#Like again they aren't the easiest to understand with how many different parts there are

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Hi, is it possible to have M6 hcs with an MC having a depressive episode please? Thank you in advance, I love your work <3

The Arcana HCs: M6 with an MC struggling with depression

~ apparently you guys' new favorite thing to do is send me requests that I can relate to a little too well. Have some comfort, my darlings, and remember to be kind to yourselves. Healing is slow but it is happening - brainrot ~

Julian

Caring for you during a depressive episode is more instinctive for him than the day-to-day part of living with depression

He knows what it's like to be really emotionally low, but he doesn't know what it's like to be permanently stuck there

And for someone who runs on emotional energy, not having any at all doesn't resonate with him

Which is why he's quickly becoming Vesuvia's leading medical expert on the condition. What he can't understand right away, he'll study until he does

And oh dear, the more he learns, the more he aches for you. It's the emotional equivalent of chronic pain/fatigue and nobody will make you feel more valid in that than he will

There's just one problem - he can't keep a schedule to save his life and he's sometimes more empathetic than is good for him

It's an important growing moment for him. He'll have to learn how to better himself to help you without feeling responsible for your troubles

He keeps a checklist to go over with you every day, somehow without ever making you feel judged if you didn't do everything

Healthy amount of food? Check. Healthy amount of sleep? Check. Sunlight? It was raining. That's okay, we'll go on a picnic tomorrow!

It's also his way of being able to tell if it's getting bad again

When that happens, he'll encourage you to give yourself the freedom of a few days of rest. No expectations, no to-do lists. A good doctor knows the value of bed rest

It's really good for him too - since he wants to check up on you regularly it means he's taking consistent breaks and actually getting enough sleep for once

You bring him so much joy just by being there when he wakes up in the mornings. Being able to help you keep that sparkle in your eyes means so much to him

Asra

They aren't very depression-prone themselves, but they know how hard it is to carry a heavy heart. It's why giving you half of theirs was one of the easiest trades they ever made

And it's also why he gets what you're going through better than anyone else does, because he can literally feel what you're feeling, if you let him

The first time you let them tap in to your shared bond on a fairly bad day, they said it was like trying to dance with fogged-over glasses and weights on every limb. No wonder you're tired!

He doesn't mind doing things a little differently (since when did he do them normally anyways?) so he likes getting the important tasks done with you

They get up with you on workdays and turn breakfast and dinner into daily dates. Wherever their whims take them while you run the shop, they'll always be back in time to help close and take you on a long sunset stroll

Baths used to stress you out - it was the last hurdle before finally getting to sleep - and now they're the highlight of your day

It's not nearly as overwhelming when the bath's already drawn with some new random luxury product to try out and a fluffy-haired lover who insists on lifting you in and out (it makes him happy, let him have this, MC!)

Weekends are for sleeping in, cuddles on the roof in the sunshine, and hours of reading books in the pillow pile

When a nasty episode hits, they'll take you on vacation to Nopal. They notice how much effort you put in, it makes sense that you need rest and they want to make sure you have it

So many hugs and snuggles, all the time, every day. He's so proud of you and he tells you that constantly

Because he doesn't need you to be happy or energetic or exciting for him to love you. He just needs you to know that you're loved.

Nadia

Nobody knows what it's like to feel stuck and unable to get one's life back like she does. She spent three years comatose like that

She's a little horrified when she gets a clear picture of what life can be like for you. She had a way out, and a Devil to blame and subsequently defeat. You're running on your own determination

She thinks you're one of the strongest people in the world for that

It shows her why you seemed to know how to pull her out of her sleep. And she's determined to do the same for you

She pulls you out of bed to do yoga with her every morning. If it's sunny (and it often is) she'll take it onto the balcony so you can kill two birds with one stone

It's okay if you need to go back to sleep after. Just let her do this with you

She has a reason to schedule breaks into her day now to spend half an hour with you and make sure you're both getting what you need

Because lunchtime gets so busy and dinner is often an important event, she makes sure to have a late morning tea with you every day, from 10-11 AM

Fresh fruit, some dried meats and cheeses, juice and tea, and the most delicious baked treats. It's light and filling and nourishing enough to get you through the day if you can't manage much else

It's easier to act like it's not getting bad again when you can save your energy just for your shared moments. It's why Nadia feels so guilty for the first few times she didn't notice until it was too bad for you to do even that much

Fortunately for you, there's a palace full of employees who have you to thank for getting a competent person in charge again

They want to see you flourish too, so one word from housekeeping is all Nadia needs to whisk you off to the seaside for some R&R

You pulled her out of her daze and are the strongest person she knows. Returning the favor for her beloved is her greatest honor

Muriel

Oh yeah, that thing where life feels like walking through sludge and all you want to do is hide and sleep, so that's what you eventually end up doing all day? Yeah he does that too

Or at least he did, until you dragged him down a continent with the scariest woman he's ever met on a wild goat chase

It's starting to make sense to him now. You knew to reintroduce him to the fun of comfortable clothes and good food and the safety of companionship because that's what you needed too

And he's not leaving that fog behind without bringing you with him

He doesn't want you to force yourself into a busy, colorful life of excitement and adventure. He doesn't want that for himself either

But he's learned the value of a life that can move as slowly as it needs to as long as it doesn't get stagnant

You can sleep in if you want to. But he's bringing you breakfast in bed. He won't say anything but he won't leave to start his day until you eat at least half of it

You don't have to go on a walk if you're not up for it. But he'll leave the door and windows open and move the bed right below them

You don't have to take a shower. But he'll hold you in his lap by the fire with a clean rag and a bucket of warm water and some soap and a big, fluffy towel

It's okay if you can't feel anything. It's okay if you can't stop feeling everything. Sit with it as long as you need to. He'll just be next to you with a glass of cool, fresh water from the nearby spring

Of course, things aren't always that bad. You have good days, and better days, and great days, and tired days, and gray days, and everything days, and nothing days, and quiet days, and loud days

Sometimes you're the one bringing him a glass of water and opening the windows

But you're both slowly having more good days than bad ones, and life is starting to get lighter. And neither of you are fighting alone

Portia

Depression and burnout can look pretty similar. The big difference is that one of them is something you generally bring on yourself, and the other one tends to show up uninvited and unannounced

She's plenty familiar with burnout. Depression not so much

She's quick to notice when you go several days in a row without smiling very much. And when you can't pull yourself out of bed one morning, she's so sympathetic and on board to help

But it's hard not get upset with her when her first question is, "so what were you doing for it to get this bad, MC?"

It makes it even harder to talk about, but Portia is the palace's honorary librarian at this point. Between the research she does there and the general medical description and advice Ilya gives her, she'll come back with plenty of notes

She will feel so bad about what she said earlier that you will definitely need to hug it out

She's such a get-up-and-go person that she doesn't have to think twice about helping you keep a schedule. That's how she lives already. Now she's just cooking a full breakfast for two, not one

She still takes you on her ambassador trips, but the plans she comes up with take your energy levels into account as well as hers

You're having a better day? Time to go sightseeing and find an adventure

You're not doing as well? Take a day on the boat. Nap on the deck in the sunlight. The crew love you too, they'll bring you fruit and she'll get all the boring meetings out of the way while you rest

It can be a little daunting being a partner to someone who is sunshine personified when you feel like mud most days

And it's tricky for her to learn how to sit with someone in pain without feeling like a failure for not being influential enough to fix it

She sees you as the best part of her world and thinks, no wonder you're tired. Take a rest. She'll keep things running

Lucio

At first he's worried that you're falling sick very, very slowly

You don't have energy for the things that he knows you enjoy, you're sleeping more, and the dulled look in your eyes makes him wonder if you're in pain

You're trying not to let it get to you because being an adventurer is fun! Exciting! And it's Lucio's fresh start on life, so you're scared of ruining it. You don't want to drag him down on his way up

But finally one morning you just can't get yourself out of bed. And he's increasingly worried, so you explain it to him

It ends up lifting his spirits more than anything. He could tell you were ill, but this illness doesn't seem fatal. It's just something you have to live with that makes some days a lot harder than others

He doesn't have a lot of intuition for taking care of sick people, but he's getting better and better at learning from his mistakes

You say taking care of your body helps? Every time he gets hungry he makes sure you eat something too. Every time he bathes he pulls you in. Every time he goes outside he invites you.

If you say no too often he will pout. Which will quickly give way to his unexpectedly adorable puppy eyes, because he loves you and doesn't want your sickness to hurt you MC!

Of course, healing is never linear. There are still times when the only thing you have energy for when you open your eyes is closing them again

And as much as he worries for you during those times, Lucio isn't burdened by them. It's a chance to show you he loves you and to return the favor you showed him by sticking by his side

It's also his moment to be the magnanimous, powerful Count he wanted so badly to be. He'll protect you, he'll take care of you, he gets to be your hero and let you be comfortable!

You are his best. If that means you need to take a break and sleep, then go ahead. Precious things are meant to be treasured

[illuminatedquill]

Sabine Wren (A Quick Study)

The Seven Second Slip

So, let's talk about the Sabine and Ezra reunion scene in Ahsoka for a quick second.

I've talked in other posts before about how Sabine's innermost thoughts and feelings in this show are deliberately with held from the audience. Our favorite Mandalorian Jedi is not the easiest person to read, often to the detriment of herself and the people around her.

Sabine serves up so many different emotions throughout the show: anger at herself and at Ahsoka; excitement at unlocking the sphere to reveal Ezra's location in the other galaxy; fear at the potential loss of her only path to Ezra when Ahsoka contemplates destroying the map to prevent Thrawn from returning; despair when handing over the map to Baylon; determination in her battles against Shin, despite the difference in their skills; joy when reunited with Ezra again for the first time in a decade.

And, as usual, her trademark Sabine snark. Always reliable.

But all those emotions are a part of this mask she's kept up for a long time. Like I said before, the audience is never explicitly told or shown how Sabine is feeling/thinking throughout all this or why her drive to find Ezra is so all consuming that she betrays all he fought for to save him.

All those emotions I mentioned before stem from the same root feeling. And all the major characters around her - Ahsoka, Hera, Huyang, Baylon, Shin, and even Grand Admiral Thrawn himself - can only comment on what they see from Sabine in the moment they encounter her because the real feeling is buried deep.

Buried so deep that not even Sabine probably knows or understands what she's feeling.

But there's a brief moment - seven seconds, to be exact - when that mask slips.

And we see what's really buried at the heart of Sabine Wren.

"I knew I could count on you."

Sabine whips around, instantly recognizing the voice.

Stunned disbelief. Slowly dawning comprehension.

A slow, half-smile. The realization settling in. Sabine lets out a surprised breath, part laugh, part sigh of relief.

And then there's this. She takes a deep breath, exhales, and . . . looks at Ezra. It's like all the weight has lifted from her shoulders and Sabine can breathe freely again for the first time in ten years.

Sabine looks at Ezra and she finally feels at home.

Natasha is such a fantastic actress. She really does embody this role like no one else could.

It's such a soft look from Sabine. I adore it so much because, for once in the entire show, we see Sabine be completely open with her innermost feelings - even if she isn't aware of it.

Guys, gals, and non-binary Sabezra pals; that's the look of someone who is in love. It's the look you see in someone's eyes when they find their Person.

We don't get this look from Sabine towards anyone else in the series; even with Ahsoka and Huyang she's still guarded and snarky.

But not here. Not with Ezra.

There is so much love in her gaze; so much devotion and longing and adoration for this person.

The mask slips in these seven seconds. And we finally see past the walls she's put up to see the true beating heart of Sabine Wren; what's been driving her all this time.

Not anger. Not bitterness or resentment.

It's love. Always has been. Sabine loves so fiercely - and that is, unfortunately, why she also guards her heart exactly the same way.

She's been burned before. But the remarkable thing about Sabine is that she gets up and keeps trying. Doesn't always succeed, but she keeps trying.

(It's incredibly humorous to me that Ezra, meanwhile, is on the other side of this, grinning like a loon. Completely oblivious to Sabine's Look of Love.)

And, just like that, the moment is broken. The mask re-adjusts; Sabine and Ezra pick up their old habits and resume where they left off.

But, maybe, the walls aren't as high up like they were before. Not nearly as high.

[naeglin]

Am i a therian? A furry?

People of tumblr, i am gently asking you to help figuring out what the hell is going on

So yeah well

The desire to look non-human accompanies me since such deep from the past that this feeling became the very home, the shelter of my identity.

Yes, of course, i am autistic, i have a paper on it, yes i have ptsd and untreated adhd and i am queer, so i guess wanting to get away from the difficulties of being part of the human society is logical, but like.

Understanding where the feeling comes from shouldn't erase the experience itself.

I recall wanting to growl and purr, moving tail and ears since i was at least two and a half. Of course, i had grown up along many animals, my parents had worked with service dogs, and in one hand, small children learn languages so easily, why would be animals' body language so different? I just got fluent in it– And in the other hand, wanting to have ways for easier self-expression is such a common autistic experience.

But these thoughts lingered, transformed, grew as years passed. Of course i always played with animal toys, or roleplayed the animal company in games with (my very few) friends, but that's not very dramatic, not like other memories linked to the topic, for example.

The very first time i got penalty in school was in the second semester of first grade, when i growled at a girl who bullied me, and then i bit her. That's very strange of a memory, because it made me feel so guilty, so childish, that i didn't let it happen ever again. But that doesn't mean i didn't think about it anymore. When i moved schools and other bullies came and i just couldn't defend myself because of extreme empathy i think, i always imagined myself as a blue dragon, growling and roaring at people. It was, and still is, the easiest way for me to understand my own anger.

What i really feel alone with is that how these fantasies, images became the very pillars of my self-image.

I remember having the idea of wanting to be a dog first, when i was the smallest. I said goodbye to that imaginery when we had to sell my first and only puppy whom i loved dearly, because he was aggressive. I got obsessed with cats instead, then horses, and finally, the perfect mixture of every kind of animal: dragons. Anyone who walks into my room mentions how many dragon related things i have in there. I emphasize that i am 17.

But the reason i started to talk about this all how it forms the way i want to look.

For instance, lately, i've got a long mullett, which i style with a hair straightener in a way it looks like i've got animal ears. While it makes me somehow relieved, at the same time it leaves me with the longing for more.

I want hoop snakebite piercings, so to give the impression of long canines. I cannot stop thinking about this, even though i know very well that my father wouldn't approve it. I just found a really small thing that would make me feel better about myself, and i want to achieve it, quickly, because yk, there are so many things i cannot change.

There are some grotesque ideas in my head how'd i want to look like since i was very little. I've always stepped on tippie toes so to raise my ankle long, up towards my knee, like it is with dogs, cats, horses. I wanted my ears to be pointy, and i crave the black line connecting the eyes with the mouth, what the cheetah's have – therefore i absolutely loved face painting from a very young age. I've always wanted wings and tail, long tongue, and defined muscles; a bunch of these are somehow managable, but others are so distant. It doesn't usually hurt me, like not having a dick hurts me on some masculine days, but the cravings are there, and i think about them a lot.

What i want to ask is: what does it make me be? Am i a furry with a dragon fursona? Am i a therian, am i experiencing some kind of species dysphoria? I know labels aren't quite needed, but is there anyone sharing my experience? Where are my people? Dunno i guess i just don't really want to be alone.

[moorishflower]

hi!! im absolutely astounded at the amount of depth and heart thats in all your fics, and im also very floored at the amount at which you write—im at a cross between admiration and maybe jealously lol!! I wanted to ask, are there any fic of yours (sandman or not) that you think are underrated/deserves more attention?? super excited for everything you ever write!!

asdfg anon thank you <3 So I have a Problem where I have a lot of anxiety about what I create, and when that's writing, if I am not writing The Next Great Novel, then I need to sate the brain demons SOMEHOW, and writing a LOT is the easiest way to do that. I want very badly to please people, and fortunately it's not a hardship for me to write the amount that i do, though I AM trying to consciously like. Take breaks if I need? Take a night off? Keep it healthy looool. But that I'm able to write things that people are consistently finding value and meaning in is a continuous and beautiful marvel to me so thank you, thank you very much!!!

So I read your second part of the ask wrong at first and had gathered uh several fics which I think are underrated that are NOT mine

One Half of a Whole by @violetequus8 - Absolutely REMARKABLE post-apocalyptic literature. Equus captures an entire world and history in 4000 words. There are sentences in this fic that rewrote my brain chemistry.

The entire like this slumber that creeps to me series by @tobrokenstone - THIS. This is survival the way I fucking LOVE IT. Bleak, stark, hard decisions, lasting consequences, surprisingly tender cannibalism (this last may be...specific to me and a few select others lol)

Once again repping the point-set-triangulation series by therm0dynamics, which is singlehandedly the series that got me into Hob/The Corinthian (it's about MIRRORS it's about PARALLELS)

And at this point I realized that you'd asked about which of MY fics I think are underrated, and I was just so caught up in the thought of repping my friends that I lived in a world where I did not write for a moment loool

Salt and Rye is the result of a prompt on tumblr. I wanted to try and capture that feeling of recreating a parent or grandparent's recipe and failing, because it's SUCH a disheartening moment, but I wanted to make it lighter, because Hob has someone there to share the comedy of it with him.

Here there be dragons is my latest fic in the Siren AU and I do think that people who aren't into scifi in general will be more likely to give it a pass, but I'm very proud of it, and very proud of the emotions it evoked in ME, and I promise it's not hard scifi like The Martian or even really pervasive scifi like Star Trek! I just tried to think realistically about what our planet would look like and feel like in 1500 years, and how we might need to leave it. Also, Dream's still a carnivorous octopus man.

an act of faith is the vampire fever dream that struck me at like 3pm on a Saturday and I blacked out for like two hours and this was what I'd written during that time. I enjoy writing obscene levels of devotion and you can't really get much more obscene than "willing to tempt death year after year even though no one's asked you to in order to prove to YOURSELF that your lover loves you"

Honestly I don't think many of my fics are underrated! They're all written at different points in my development and my understanding of myself as a writer, and they range pretty widely in terms of theme and genre sometimes, so some, statistically, are going to be kind of niche! And that's okay! I guess the only thing I'd say is that even if you think something isn't your jam, unless the tags are specifically triggering you give it a try! The worst thing that'll happen is you get a paragraph in and then back out again. An extremely smart person (it was @xx-vergil-xx <3) recently said something along the lines that part of healthy interacting with art is also knowing when to put it down, but it's also important to give different things a chance so that you learn more about yourself and your preferences. I myself am trying to expose myself to and write more angst? Because it makes me deeply uncomfortable to do so! But that's a valuable feeling to know and recognize! Idk i just think we all get different stuff out of writing and it's just nice that I've been able to provide something to so many people <3

[iviarellereads]

Nona the Ninth, John 5:4(1)

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For detail on The Locked Tomb coverage and the index, read this one!)

(No icon) In which it's time to finish this, and get on with the rest of the story.(2)

In the dream they were back on the beach with their backs to the sea. The sand was soft and wet and grey—so fine that it dried as they plucked at it, then crumbled through their fingers like ash. The beach was a long, smooth stretch relieved only by hummocks, here and there, of thin grass and silvery driftwood sticking out of the dunes like exposed bone. He was scooping indentations in the sand, making big, print-block child’s letters with the tip of his forefinger. As she watched, he made a pothook—J—then the finned spine of E. He wiped that E clean, and replaced it with A. He wiped that clean, and he drew the prison bars of H. This J and H he barred around with an uneven heart.(3)

She asks if she can ask a question. He agrees, surprised. She asks what it means to love God. He makes a joke about being an easy date. With less patience, she asks what it means for the Ninth House to love their God.(4) There's a long silence, and then he gives her a short parable about faith that you aren't alone.

She said— “After this, you’ll resurrect them.” “Yes,” he said, as though halfway dreaming. He stuck his finger in the sand and made a hole so deep that water glimmered at the bottom. Hypnotized, he did it again. “Yes. Once we’ve rested. No, we’ll do it before you’ve rested. You can rest afterward … resurrection is different from waking up. We’ll get them all back … some of them, anyway … or at least, the ones I want to bring back. Anyone I feel didn’t do it. Anyone I feel had no part in it. Anyone I can look at the face of and forgive. And my loved ones … The ones I left, I’ll bring back. I know I can. Even G—. In fact, G—’ll be easiest—he won’t remember the compound—none of them will have to remember anything. I know where remembrance lives in the brain, and he won’t have any of it. You know that too, don’t you? It’s the easiest thing in the world … to forget.”(5)

She asks if they should forget everything. He says it's the only way, so they won't feel guilty over their actions. He adds there was no other way, once the bombs started going off, there was no hope for G- and Melbourne anyway. She says, but he said that G-'s bomb went off first. He clarifies defensively that of course it did, but that's not the point, and it doesn't matter. Only one thing matters now. He smooths over the holes he created with his fingers, and says he still breathes, and "they" still exist, and he cannot forgive them.(6) She asks to whom he refers. He doesn't answer.

Then he said, “Do you remember what happens now?” Harrowhark Nonagesimus stood up. She brushed a few traces of sand off her trousers. [...] “Yes,” she said. “Through her, I’ve seen it. You resurrect some of them. You wake up fewer still. You start out with a few thousand, then, later, some hundred thousand, then millions, but never more than millions.(7) You teach them how to live all over again. You teach yourself. [...] It’s easy. You’re God. Your energy is limitless and you can sustain your theorems without a thought—forget about them—because she is so enormous, and you and she are one. She understands at this point that she does not have to die—that she can never die, if you’re alive. And she’s scared to die.(8) You’re afraid of so many things, but she’s only afraid to die. Then, when the disciples come to you and say the word Lyctor, she does not understand that they want the thing you did to her—she watches as you watch … watch them misunderstand the process.”(9)

He says "God must be able to touch all of creation". She doesn't understand.

“You said it yourself. I can’t die if she’s alive; she can’t die if I’m alive. Why would you let something like that run around, Harrow? Why would you let someone go—away from you—untouchable—two people?(10) I couldn’t—I loved them too much—I saw the face of Earth and choked the life out of it and ate it whole. Oh, I knew I was on the clock for the Resurrection Beasts. I pretended she was the only one,(11) but I knew the others were coming. I needed my loved ones to be something I could touch … needed them to be my hands … my fingers.”

He reiterates that there's no forgiveness for those who ran from him, and there can be no forgiveness for himself, either. Not even as he rips off his very fingers and throws them at the monsters who hunt him.(12) Still, the power of God allows him to wipe it clean again, if he wants, like an old cleaner ad, "Spray and walk away, right?" He thinks perhaps the only reason he hasn't done it yet is that he wouldn't be able to touch them.(13) He thinks maybe that's why he made the Tomb, because it's his death, the apocalypse,(14) his self-preservation.

She says there's something she doesn't understand. He says there's lots he doesn't.

She said— “I want to understand why she was angry—I want to understand the mathematics, now that I have seen them for myself. I want to know how many of the Resurrection are left, and how many you began with, and what the discrepancies are. I want to know where you put them. They didn’t go into the River. I want to know why she was angry … and why you were terrified.” She looked away from him, and she said: “I want to journey to find God. Maybe, at the end of that road, I will find God in you, Teacher … the God who became man and the man who became God. Or, perhaps, the child of the Nine Houses will recognise a different divine. But I am the Reverend Daughter—I am the Reverend Mother, the Reverend Father—I must find God, or some aspect of God, and understand it for myself … even if she lies, right now, within the Tomb.”

He stands, and he's taller than she is, but she isn't afraid of him. He puts a hand on her shoulder and looks at her, wonderingly.(15) She can see no fear in him now.

He tells her God is a dream, one the people all dream together, even "her"(16). He asks where she will go in her search.

She turns from him, standing ankle-deep in the River.

Before her, the waters parted, speared-through and mute, for the enormous lance of a tower(17)—a tower that had never been there before; a tower that soared, impossible and deadly grey, out of the waters—a tower of grey bricks, lurching out of the River as though gasping for air. An impossible, cone-capped tower—a belled tower; she could see the steeple, but the bell cot was too far from shore to see the bell. “I’ll start there,” she said. And she stepped into the River. She took another step, and she walked, and she walked.

=====

(1) "And an angel of the Lord descended at certain times into the pond and the water was moved. And he that went down first into the pond after the motion of the water was made whole of whatsoever infirmity he lay under." A difficult passage to find relevance in. Loosely, I suppose, you could say that John's intention to resurrect Gideon again counts as making him whole. Our final A1Z26, though, the full sequence: THE TOWER IS REACTIVATED. The very Tower that Harrow views, here, in the River? What does it mean? Now, at this point, I can tell you that there was at least one report, from someone who got an advanced reader copy of the book, that there was a second A1Z26 sequence. Admittedly, it was just a tweet, which may or may not have disappeared since, but it said that in the ARC version, it read THE TOWER WANTS JOHN GAIUS. I should've been going through and checking the relevant Bible passages for that version, too, as I read… but I'm giving that to you, my readers, as a fun side project. Open the John chapter summaries, pull up a Douay Rheims or any old translation you prefer, and look up the alternate verses. How do they stack up against each chapter's contents? Are they more or less applicable? Honestly a lot of the "final" hardback/ebook version verses are just like astrology or tarot: vague enough that you can find ways to apply them within your biases and expectations. I don't expect that the ARC version would be much different. Though, I am curious if we'll get a third set with the paperback release in a couple of months. (Why yes, I have mine preordered.)

(2) Quite literally, when you consider this used to be the end of Act One of Alecto the Ninth. (3) The ancient tradition of putting your initials with those of your lover. John loves Earth, not quite right. John loves Alecto/Annabel, still not quite there. John loves Harrowhark? Why yes. I don't think this is a literal romantic love, though. I think it's dream-logic, since here, she is both Alecto and Harrowhark. (4) And here, the proof that it was always, on some level, Harrow as much as Alecto. (5) Multiple parts to break down here. For one, he's still mentally stuck in the story, speaking as if he only just ate Earth. Two, he's still making decisions for people he has no right to decide for. Three, this really reinforces my questions as to whether or not the Lyctors remember their pre-Resurrection relationships to him. This seems to imply that he doesn't want them to. (6) Again, he seems stuck in the immediate aftermath of his story, as if it really has only been weeks, as if he hasn't yet performed the Resurrection. Is it just dream logic? Is he insane? (7) I have another theory that he's Resurrected multiple times, I don't think I've mentioned it in the non-spoiler read so far, but here's kind of where it goes. Think back to the opening poem, "This time will be the time we get it right". He knows how to make them forget. He knows how to restore their bodies and minds to a particular point in their lives. There seem to be a lot of hints that he spent more time at Canaan House than the strictest indications of other characters' timelines as given, like Pal's psychometry indicating some pieces are thousands of years older than others. They could just be rescued statues, but the implication all that way back in GtN was that they were two parts of a whole, or seemed to be, but separated in time. There are a LOT of reasons to reread the series and there are a LOT of things that can serve as launching points for theories.

(8) Which brings a whole new depth to Nona's admission. That she's ready to die. Over and over she said it. And now I'm just gonna go crawl into a lil hole and cry for a bit over it. (9) She watches as he lets them misunderstand. As he lets them butcher each other to gain a fraction of what he has. (10) What two people? (11) Acknowledgement that she wasn't really just the Earth's spirit anymore. Alecto was the first Resurrection Beast. Truly, it's a wonder she passed for as human as she did, to make the Lyctors only suspect and not rebel so much sooner. And remember, too, that once it was stated in the text that she started to go crazy after they put down the first RB. (12) He throws the Lyctors at the RBs, and at the BOE, and at anyone who threatens his empire and his power. (13) Wouldn't be able to touch whom? Why would his loved ones not come back to him, especially if he altered their memories? Does he mean that he wouldn't have his present reach into non-House territory? This whole chapter is a damned fever dream. (14) Remember the dual meaning of this one? Yeah. (15) I think this is an intentional dual-meaning again. Wondering as in thoughtfully, but also wondering as in "with wonder(awe)". (16) Alecto, one assumes. (17) And at long last, The Tower... but what could it mean? There's not much time left for answers in this book, and we don't know when the next one's due.

[taketwoinink]

what’s your favourite animal!!! and i wanna know cool facts too

and do y o u have a pet?

CATS! CATS! ALWAYS CATS!

Cool facts yes

So did you know that cats don't meow to communicate with each other? Only kittens meow to complain and get the attention of their mothers, but as they grow up they stop meowing and they communicate through their body language. The reason why domestic cats meow is because they learned that humans respond well to that. So they're basically talking in baby speech because we think it's cute. They're saying "I am little baby take care of me" and we're weak for cute things so we do it. Also, each cat learns to meow differently based on what gets a better reaction from their owners. So your cat's meow may change based on how you react.

But cats still do communicate primarily through body language! And one of the easiest ways you can see this is through the position of their tails. When a cat's tail is straight up and curling slightly at the end, that means they're happy or content. That's a good tail. When their tail is hanging about halfway, that means they're unsure. So with my cat, when she's waiting for me to follow her, her tail hangs down a bit, but once I start walking towards her and she knows I'm coming, her tail springs right back up!

I do have a pet! She's a cat! (surprise surprise!) her name is Purrshia, I love her to pieces, she's currently asleep on the pile of clothes in my bedroom, she makes me so happy, I love her so much.

Cats can't see red! This is different from human color blindness, I think humans have 3 cones in their eyes and cats only have 2 and that's why. Not entirely sure about the cone thing though, I should do more research into that.

In feral cat colonies, all the mama cats will raise their kittens together and the older kittens from previous litters will hang around and basically be older siblings and learn how to take care of the little ones.

Cats eat their placentas after giving birth because they're full of nutrients and giving birth is very taxing and in the wild they need every scrap of energy they can get.

Kittens in the same litter can have different fathers depending on how many males mated with the mama cat.

You probably know this one, but when a cat slow blinks at you, it's their way of saying they love you. It's a sign of trust and affection. It's often compared to blowing a kiss. So they're called kitty kisses! And if you blink slowly back, sometimes they'll do it back again and you can keep trading blinks.

Similarly, if a cat seems agitated or annoyed or mad at you, you can blink slowly at them. Eye contact is taken as a challenge with cats so this your way of saying "I don't want to fight, I'm submitting to you". If you do stare at your cat too long, they'll probably swat you.

Cats and dogs have no instincts regarding each other and their body language is very different. So when they first meet, they don't know how to react and will often get confused. But as they become friends, they learn to understand the other and then they get along great!

Cats basically domesticated themselves. They moved into farmers' barns and the farmers would feed them to get them to stay so they'd scare off mice. And then they moved into the houses and adapted to humans and now here we are! Cats aren't as domesticated as dogs or even horses and still have a lot of wild instincts that they've kept simply because they didn't need to get rid of them.

Cats can twist in the air so they'll always land on their feet. You can drop them like half an inch and they'll still land on their feet, it's so cool. I don't remember how the science behind this works but it's really interesting so I highly recommend looking it up!

Cats sweat through their feet, that's part of why they knead things. Part of it is that it's a leftover behavior of kneading their mama's bellies to get milk, but it's also how they scent-mark you. when a cat kneads you, they're basically saying "you are mine now, you belong to me". So it's a sign of affection! They'll also use this to scent mark their favorite napping places.

Cats like to eat grass and also corn husks. Purrshia looooves corn husks to much. A little bit can actually be good for their digestion but they shouldn't have too much. But cats who live outside will often chew on grass. You can also buy cat grass that's harder than normal grass and they like to chew on it.

Catnip! The scent of catnip makes cats playful and energetic. With some cats, it can actually overstimulate and make them aggressive (this happens with Purrshia). When a cat actually eats catnip, that's when they get drowsy and all affectionate. Purrshia doesn't like to eat catnip but the smell makes her aggressive so we just keep it away from her. And we don't buy her catnip scented toys.

[treeni]

Sanders Sides Theory, The Sides That Aren't Pt 1: Remy and Emile

Theories Master Post

So my sick and feverish brain had an epiphany when researching a theory on Roman and Remus (two epiphanies actually) that involved revitalizing a scrapped idea and latching onto something that initially started as a joke and then accidentally found evidence for. So let’s talk about that.

So let’s start with that scrapped idea here in part 1.

Let’s talk Remy and Emile.

These are two characters who are constantly associated with the sides in fandom in various interactions and ways, and yet why? Shouldn’t they be dismissed as just two random characters that Thomas and co made in the seemingly endless number of videos they’ve created? I mean, the two supposedly live in an entirely different universe than the sides. So we shouldn’t be “reading” them as sides, logically speaking.

So why such a big part of the fandom is latching onto these characters as sides (or equivalent to sides) despite the fact that they don’t actually appear in Sanders Sides (or at least haven’t yet, but we’ll get to that)?

Well, that answer is a bit layered.

The first and obvious answer is color theory, which I talked about in my Orange side theory. Essentially the audience knew for certain the sides were following color patterns from the moment Janus made his appearance with his bright yellow gloves. Patton and Logan’s colors existing independently of each other was what brought initial hesitation to that model because they were both blue, but they aren’t exactly, instead both primary color sets (Red, Blue, Yellow) and (Cyan, Magenta, Yellow) are being employed as well as the secondary color set (Green, Purple, Orange). (Yes, yellow is included in both primaries, which is part of the brilliance of it being used for Janus because it only adds to his character as existing in binaries.) You’ll notice however, that to complete the (CMY) model, you need the Magenta. Visually speaking, it’s easy to pick out the pink tied Emile to fill that role.

As I’ve already stated, I’m not the only one who thinks Emile’s the perfect slot for that ideology, there’s a reason why he keeps appearing in fan art and fiction related to the sides. Is it his tie alone though that pushes the audience into placing him into that role? No. If it were that simple, I would simply point out that c!Thomas is also often slotted into the “pink spot” and leave it at that because c!Thomas is clearly already included in the Sanders Sides as we see him there. No, instead I’m here to tell you that assigning pink to c!Thomas is a mischaracterization.

But again, the answer of how and why is a bit layered, so let’s move onto Remy for the moment and circle back to Emile.

Going back to color theory for a moment, (CMY) is actually an incomplete version of that primary model. It’s actually (CMYK), with the K standing for Black. So in truth, to fulfill that model we actually need both a Magenta and a Black side. You are likely already predicting what I’m going to say, but Remy is indeed the perfect fit for that role and not simply because of his outfit choice.

To start off by defining why Remy is a side, we need to understand what the sides are and what differentiates them from the “shorts sides”.

For those of you who are unaware, the Sanders Shorts has a set of characters (Teacher, Anxiety, etc.) who have their own names that call back to their roles in a simplified, easy to remember way (Teacher=Teal, Anxiety=Andy, Dad=Dyad, and Prince=Pryce). These four in particular are characters that the audience immediately connects with the main four sides from Sanders sides, but can also immediately recognize a dissonance between them.

For example, Virgil and Andy are not at all synonymous with one another. Andy wears Virgil’s old jacket, it’s true, but he also has a very relaxed attitude whenever he’s not specifically “giving” anxiety. He also is different than Virgil because he clearly does not suffer from the symptoms of anxiety he gives. Instead, he simply turns up, does his job and is satisfied in that accomplishment. Andy is more like what Virgil tried to be in the first season, but failed because he simply cared too much.

Andy is more of a one dimensional character who fulfills a single role, he isn’t shown to have specific likes, dislikes, hopes, wants, dreams, or fears like Virgil is. Virgil is a complicated, multi-faceted character who cares, quite a bit. He has as much, if not more anxiety than he gives because he cares about the result of c!Thomas’ actions. He wants to protect c!Thomas and the other sides, he likes the color purple and MCR, he dislikes being patronized, but he yearns for love and acceptance as who he is.

What ultimately differentiates the Sanders Sides, from the Sanders Shorts sides is their dimension. The Sanders Sides are characters with layers, depth and personality, while the Sanders Shorts sides are flat characters in comparison.

So what does that have to do with Remy?

Remy is a multi-dimensional character. He’s defiant and rebellious, he likes to stay out late and party, he likes lavender, loud music, pumpkin spice, layered clothing, autumn. He’s over dramatic sometimes and funny. He stands out from the one dimensional characters in the Sanders Shorts because he is much more layered than them.

However, Remy’s stuck in the Sanders Shorts videos because of how c!Thomas sees him, as Sleep. How is a character who represents Sleep meant to help c!Thomas in his everyday life afterall? Except, c!Thomas historically simplifies and misunderstands his own sides. Patton is more than morality, he’s at the center of a whole range of emotions, he’s the heart. Logan isn’t just simple logic, he tries to be considerate of the others, he’s hopeful and has a deep understanding on a whole range of subjects that often go outside the bounds of simple, logical knowledge. Saying that Patton is Morality or Logan is Logic is an oversimplification of what the characters represent, that was done specifically by c!Thomas. Then, understanding Janus as Deceit was in many ways a flat out misunderstanding of what the character represented. Patton told the audience from the beginning that Janus is self-preservation. Lying is one of the tools Janus uses to achieve that end. (More on that in another theory.)

I believe that Remy being labeled as Sleep is a misunderstanding of him by c!Thomas. (I also believe that this is an intentional move made by Thomas & co.)

So, if not Sleep, then what is Remy? Well, as I’ve stated, that answer is complicated because all of the Sides are an array of things. They’re complex characters who can’t really be simplified to a single term and doing such is a fallacy, but as it helps audience understanding I’m going to do it anyway.

In simplest terms, Remy is Apathy. Consider for a moment that at his baseline c!Thomas is someone who cares a lot, like a lot about everything. The whole nature of Sanders Sides as a show is literally how much he cares. However, caring too much can be a problem, leading to emotional over-exertion. People need a certain level of apathy to be able to sleep, to push all their problems away for a little while and take time to decompress and recharge. This would be why Remy is associated with sleep. He gives c!Thomas the mindset to be able to sleep, rather than being the function itself.

We can also see evidence that Remy is apathy in the character itself. Remy lives a very “in the moment” kind of life. He parties, constantly drinks coffee, and generally seems to do what he wants, even when it gets him into trouble. (Like getting completely lost.) He plays on his phone when people talk to him too long, he gets bored with being chastised, and essentially shrugs off criticism. It’s because he’s apathetic. He is essentially the embodiment of “fuck it” behavior. In real life it’s the often people who party most nights that care the least about their lives because they’re unhappy and a little dead inside. The partying “in the moment” behavior acts as a distraction from the nothingness. Sort of like simulating emotions with physical rushes (high amounts of caffeine or alcohol, loud music, crowds, essentially anything to drown out the “nothingness”). On top of that, Remy also embodies some gay stereotypes in a way that many of Thomas’ characters don’t. Again, it’s because he doesn’t care about being stereotyped. He’ll say want he wants, act how he wants, and live how he wants.

Even his name is evidence. While we might be drawn to the conclusion that Remy is a play on the Rem-cycle (and that is almost certainly part of it given the Sleep connotation, though the Rem-cycle is actually the point at sleep where the brain is most active and a person is easiest to wake from sleep) You should also be aware that it’s a nickname for the name Remington. Remington is derived from the old English word “hremm” that meant both “raven” and “settlement”. While a raven is the perfect association for the black color-scheme and some of his personality traits, the literal and metaphorical meanings of the term “settlement” I think is the perfect idea to associate with what I believe Remy is meant to embody. Both the literal place to stop and rest, a safe place, but also the settlement of the mind, being able to push all of the emotional and literal fatigue of the day away. The fact that Remy is gone so often is very telling in the stressed and emotional state that c!Thomas is in.

Also in regards to names, Remy and Emile are intrinsically connected. While both have name meanings that are very important to their characters, they’re also the names of the brothers from Ratatouille. (A movie basically about pursuing your dreams when the world and even your family are against you.) Their names and the connection between their names is evidence that the two characters were designed together as a tribute.

So let’s get back to Emile for a bit. Like Remy we know he’s more complicated than many of the characters from the shorts. For example, we know he loves cartoons, references, and jokes. He’s generally seems to be a happy person and is a therapist (or at least plays one). So, what exactly is he if he’s a side? Well, as I’ve said none of the sides are so simple as to signify one single thing. On top of that, I think his lack of appearance in almost anything besides Cartoon Therapy is evidence to the fact that c!Thomas doesn’t understand him. Like, I think he has some grasp on Remy, despite misunderstanding him, however I think he simply has no connection or understanding of what Emile does/represents. Yet, if I had to label him with a single trait for simplicity sake, it would be Acceptance, essentially the other reason why Sanders Sides exists (or at least has conflict).

There is so much that c!Thomas hasn’t accepted about his life, his career, but most importantly about himself. It’s why the debates go on with each new episode and why the sides struggle to accept each other. It is also why Emile would not have yet made an actual appearance yet in Sanders Sides, I would consider him to be a rejected and repressed light side. Also, embodying acceptance, it would be his job above all else to listen to the other sides. A good therapist does not add their own voice and opinion into the mix until their client is ready to hear it. They need time to get through it all and process. That is exactly what Sanders Sides is already doing for c!Thomas.

Let’s get back to names for a moment, as I said, Emile’s name meaning is also incredibly fitting for what I believe that he represents as a Side. Emile literally means “coming from the Aemilian family” which is in turn derived from the Latin word “aemulus” meaning complete.

My theory is essentially that Emile is going to be our last surprise, maybe coupled with Remy or maybe directly after Remy. Remy, the “darkside” who is often AWOL because he’s self aware of how dangerous he can be in too high of doses and Emile, the “lightside” who is repressed. Essentially, Apathy, reminding him that it’s okay to let go of things for a while and Acceptance, teaching him how to accept himself above all things.

I had initially scrapped this theory because a friend told me Thomas and co had already denied that Remy and Emile are in the Sanders sides universe  and I have a little bit more to say about that in particular in part 2 (which should be coming out in the next couple days, so keep an eye out) but also I want to just set a reminder that you shouldn’t believe much about what a creator denies about their work. Of course they aren’t going to reveal secrets or surprises to you early. Do I know for a fact that Remy and Emile are Sides? Absolutely not, all I can do is align the evidence and present to you my findings.

(Also general shout out to @candied-peach for listening to all of my insanity to get me to this point. Seriously, thank you.)

[theelliottsmiths]

So anyway, Mein Herz Brennt Making of liveblog, one of my favourites

First of all, I do take any use of piano MHB as a slight towards my tiny hands. -1 point

I really would love to visit this place, it's beautiful

I love that Oli introduces it and then Till is straight in there talking about murder and stabbings. Trust that to be what intrigues him. I feel like 'smells like murder' isn't a direct translation but that's purely because I spent like ten minutes trying to work out what words he says. It rhymes, which is suspicious.

Oh this was before he let his chest piercing reject all the way out in the grossest way

When schneider says Krankenhaus it sounds very Geordie and I'm convinced that kind of thing is why Auf Wiedersehen, Pet was created

Richards eyes light up when he's talking about the room he's in and it's one of those looks where it's just. I would love to listen to anything anyone has to say when their eyes have that sparkle.

"the scavengers had already been here" cue Paul talking about his criminal past thieving from there. See, another example everyone forgets of him being the biggest bastard of them all. The smile is a front.

One of my favourite ever Rammstein things is the combined joy and mockery from Paul when Richard is revealed to be wearing the bird mask and it wiggles as he nods. He looks like a little black cockatoo. Richard looks embarrassed to be wearing it but Paul is having the time of his LIFE.

The way is echoes in his mask makes him sound like he's clucking

Flakes glasses perching in his cone make him look like that sesame Street doctor or scientist

They all suit this make up so much and I wish they'd consider it as a stage look

Peck. Not intimidated.

Considering the nightmares Till has/had, ouch

Richard looks so much like a little vampire prince but like, a character from what we do in the shadows. He makes his own smokescreen entry/exist and everything.

Melanie!!!

Richard has many tendons in his neck huh.

The sounddd. I used to always be curious as to whether or not people in music videos were making the sounds it looks like they're making and now I know and I'm uncomfortable. This and also later when till does the heart

His laugh is never what I expect it to be

That uh. That doesn't look like he's in pain the way the injection sounds implied. At all. Not that I'm complaining but it gives mixed messages.

I'm so sure Richard is the only one I've ever heard use the word quasi. It makes sense for him if true but maybe I only notice because of the tone he uses? His is quite a punchy nasal tone it might just be more noticeable.

Till with kids is always the most adorable wonderful thing. He's really helping to keep them relaxed despite the creepiness of the stuff they're shooting.

"if you look at the cover then you'll recognise a morbidity to the whole thing" till, my darling, do you think people don't already ~see the morbidity~?

I googled and the lady doesn't pronounce renaissance with a g like Till does and that interests me. In fairness I have to assume it's like in Norwegian how words like restaurant are pronounced with a g sound because it's closer to the French sounds? It's not like we in English donut the French way either but the Google translate lady does. This is why I always suspect that when I'm learning a language I'm learning the language wrong and at some point I'll find out there's a Real, For Adults version if the language that's totally different. This is irrelevant. Accents are fun and I like being able to notice them.

It feels so strange seeing this knowing what Eugenio did

Paul taking pictures because he knows better than them

Something about a child saying "ah yes, I know Till and Flake very well" is hysterical.

You can feel the dismay and disapproval radiating off till as he tries to be diplomatic about the Spanish understanding of linear time. He struggles to find a positive and only comes up with the fire walls. "It should have gone out before we filmed anything because they were fucking around with the playback so long but it didn't" is his only compliment.

The German word for French is wild.

Do they know they could have hired an interpreter? Interpreters existed in 2012 I know this

This whole thing with Melanie is beautiful you can't deny that the arm Eugenio made with then was lovely.

Till in the dress with Melanie in his lap. I don't off the top of my head remember seeing it in either video so I simply must assume that it was just what he was wearing that day when he showed up. She's so tiny on his knee I'm glad they're still friends.

"you're left in a state of trauma when everyone stares at you all the time" did this need to get so heavy? It's interesting that he focused more on her voice than her appearance there, though in fairness it's pretty high

They all love her so much and it's totally understandable.

Mit rock n roll und cola trinken

I have to skip the screaming the secondhand embarrassment is too much.

Part 2

Again, this liveblog is so long

Sometimes Oli speaks like his body isn't used to talking.

I want, so badly, to know if Richard was having memories of his dreadlocked youth The tiny cup in his elegant hand is so pleading and then you look left and. It sure is something.

Are they freckles or acne scars across Tills shoulders?...cute. The first set of arm/chest wounds, not so much. I do spy his lil tummy scar

Richard does look like he almost swooped in for a kiss and then changed his mind because of the camera. Paul turns his head that way and then Richard tries to save with a step back and face rub (his own). Just saying.

The fact that a few of them have taken pictures on their personal phones warms my soul it's such a nice reminder that they're good friends outside of work and My Heart

Schneider and Paul ready at a moment's notice to be Dumbasses. J'adore.

What if Zoran was more of a background character tho actually

God, schneider is beautiful. An ethereal, pure beauty that exists no matter how he's being styled.

See okay how is flake almost taller than Oli right now he's not even doing his standard open legs and swan spine thing

It must be so hard to find Oli sized clothes. Flake is also tall and slim but he's a lot more leg, whereas Olis height seems largely to be torso. I have to assume a lot of his stuff is tailored or custom made now.

I always forget about the marks on tills back when he's in the nightmare dress

The child staring with great confusion at a bright red flake reading. I would love to know what his favourite books are.

The childs plural poking and prodding at a very patient Oli, who gracefully bends his spine in ways I've never seen a human do before. I wonder if he's ever dressed up as Lurch from the Addams family.

The actress playing the woman in this half is so beautiful and has a power her younger counterpart lacked when she was threatening him with her weapon.

I am a dummy and was like weird why is Paul speaking Norwegian. I know full well he wasn't saying unnskyld because I've heard Germans say their equivalent before and I assume Entschuldigen either sounds like that fast or shortens so what the fuck, rhi

Till guiding people through him murdering them is truly one of life's greatest pleasures. They trust him so completely. I would like to watch them dance the elegance would be astounding.

Paul lurking watching with what I choose to see as pride as till slaughters an old woman.

Paul being critical (again, as always, rightly so) of the hallway mouthing the lyrics decision.

"for this in prepared to make compromises" he says, hating every bitter word of it

I would like to know what he wanted to say about till and then see him get into trouble over it.

I would like to see till in a bouncy castle. He's adorable jumping into the comfy pit I want to see him in a bouncy castle. Child, utter child.

Paul takes every opportunity to say how hot he thinks they all are and I love that about him. Sometimes your friends are all hot and everybody needs to understand that fact.

Their approaches to pretending to play cello are all so uniquely them. Flake and Richard are taking the time to try and understand what they're being told, whereas Paul just fucking. Lays into it, attracting the weirdest looks from Oli. Richard looks beautiful with that cello and I think he should learn to play. For fun not for work. It's not just that he looks so handsome, but I think that's the easiest way to convince him. I think he'd be good at it, and not being the lead at something might be good for him.

I appreciate that Oli is skeptical because yeah they do all look like they've never held a cello before.

They do, however, all look lovely in their dresses. I'm trying but actually I can't not say that Schneiders little sternum dip makes it seem like he has breasts in that dress and it's a good look for him.

Till singing it in such a high voice, more like his speaking voice, is both interesting and lovely. Oli is trying... So little compared to the others. Laughably incorrect

Why yes, I am laughing at the sheer length of the spikes. They're just... They're so fucking long. So long.

Paul is actually probably the best one there, ironically. They're all comically out of time. They're professional musicians. I know they aren't used to bowed instruments I do understand and I don't want to be uncharitable but also they are struggling. I want to see cellists react to this.

Pretty dresses! And the nightmare but with the most awful and worst fingers! Like the Grinch but goth.

Both Schneider and Richard had the same neverending shoot idea and I am Intrigued.

Till waiting for Schneider with the umbrella :)

Wir brennen! Paul is always so happy to play with fire.

[miss-maela]

Train yourself to see impossible colors

Alasdair Wilkins

12/09/10 4:25pm

Filed to: MAD SCIENCE

Hiding in the shadows between the colors we see everyday are weird, impossible shades, colors that you shouldn't be able to see and generally don't...unless you know how. Here's a simple guide to seeing impossible and imaginary colors.

Understanding a little about how humans perceive color is crucial to seeing impossible colors. Our eyes use something called opponent process to work more efficiently. This plays upon the fact that the eye's primary light receptors, the cones, have certain overlaps in what light wavelengths they can perceive. To save energy, our eyes measure the differences between the responses of various cones rather than figuring out each cone's individual response.

We long ago found out that there are three opponent channels: red vs. green, blue vs. yellow, and black vs. white. (Technically, black and white aren't colors, and their opponent process has more to do with brightness than anything else.) Now, let's say you stare right at the bluest object you've ever seen. Your cones that primary perceive the blue wavelengths are going to be excited, while the cones responsible for yellow will be inhibited. If you then switched to looking at the yellowest thing you've ever seen, the exact opposite would happen.

It probably isn't all that shocking to point out the cones can't be excited and inhibited at the same time. That means that it's impossible to see an object that's simultaneously blue and yellow or red and green. I'm not talking about what happens when you mix those colors and then look at them - obviously, you'd get green and a sort of murky brown if you did that. No, what I'm talking about here are colors that are equal parts blue and yellow at the exact same time. Can you imagine that? Well, you shouldn't be able to, because that's an impossible color.

This might all seem a bit abstract, but there's some evidence backing up the existence of such colors. A 1983 experiment featured a special machine which separated the fields of vision of the test subject's eyes. One eye would see a red screen, while the other would see a green screen. Given time, the colors would mix together, but the mixing only occurred in the brain. Without the eye there to mediate the mixing, red and green didn't become brown - they became a new color, a reddish-green color that none of the test subjects had ever seen before, and that includes an artist with an extensive knowledge of different hues and shades.

Admittedly, the methodology of that experiment has since been criticized, and many vision researchers say impossible colors are called that for a reason – they really are impossible. There are, to be sure, a lot of alternative explanations for the colors the people saw: they were just intermediate colors between the two, the experimenters hadn't properly controlled for luminance and that threw off the results, or the test subjects were really just see red, then green, then red, and so on, and never actually viewing them simultaneously.

These are all fair points. However, if I may make a counterpoint, you're ruining all the fun, vision experts. Sure, impossible colors might actually be impossible, but that doesn't change the fact that test subjects saw colors they had never seen before. Impossible colors might not exist, but if it's possible to fool our brains into thinking they do, then I'd say that's still pretty awesome.

This is one of the least scientific viewpoints I've ever put forward, and I'm not exactly proud of it, but hey...impossible colors are cool. Now relax each eye on these two plus signs and see if you can't make some impossible colors appear. Let your eyes cross so that the two pluses are right on top of each other. I'll say right now that not everyone is going to be able to see these weird colors - I'm almost certain that I can't - but I'd still say it's worth a try.

I'd be remiss if I didn't also mention imaginary colors. These are colors that cannot be produced in the physical light spectrum, and yet it's possible to derive them mathematically. The easiest way to understand what an imaginary color is would be to think about the three wavelengths of cones - short, medium, and long. Like I said when talking about the imaginary colors, there's an overlap in the responses of these different wavelengths.

But what if you had a color that only created a response in the medium wavelengths? In real life, this can't happen, as anything that excites the medium wavelengths is going to excite one or both of the other wavelengths. But if you did have a color that only excited the medium, green wavelengths while leave the other two types alone, then you'd be able to see a color greener than any real green.

So that's the theory - here's how you do it. Again, you've to be smart about your opponent processes. If you want to see an imaginary green, you need to find an example of heavily saturated red and one of a heavily saturated green. Stare at the red color for as long as you can, then switch to looking at the green. The red receptors have become too fatigued to do their job and be inhibited by the green color. That means your green receptors are getting excited with nothing to counterbalance them. The result is the greenest color you've ever seen, one that can't exist in the physical world.

Again, this might all seem a bit out there, but America's most lovable evil geniuses have known about this for years. Walt Disney World took advantage of this effect in their design of the EPCOT park, making the pavements a particular shade of pink that tires out the red receptors and forces the park's grass to look greener than it really is. On second thought, I'm not sure that makes this seem any less out there.

For more, check out "Impossible" Colors: See Hues That Can't Exist (Scientific American).

https://io9.gizmodo.com/train-yourself-to-see-impossible-colors-571043

[eeveelutionsforequality]

I know labels aren't everything, but right now I'm unable to label my sexuality. I used to think I was ace because so far I haven't been interested in pursuing a relationship, but then again I (♀︎) obviously like men. Then again, I've also been interested in women, but I don't know if it's sexually or just aesthetically. My question is, how do I decide on a label? Am I doomed to be questioning forever?

First of all, big mood.

I know it probably doesn't seem like it on this blog - typing in full sentences and saying my applied labels without clarification probably gives me an air of certainty in myself, but in reality I am really uncertain of myself sometimes. My dysphoria is worsened by certain elements of physical masculinity almost as much as it's worsened by many elements of physical femininity, my dysphoria is worsened and complicated by other mental and physical health issues, my mental and physical health issues also make my sexuality and romantic attraction (or lack thereof) incredibly difficult to judge, I prefer the idea of people to actual people, and even symptoms of some of my disorders don't fall perfectly into categories and labels.

Language is all essentially labels, this cushion isn't inherently a "cushion", there's nothing about the universe that assigned that pattern of shapes or sounds to it - it could've been called a "flibbleydoop" and then it would be a flibbleydoop not a cushion. Cushions exist though, they're physically there and it's relatively easy to look at something and go "Yup, that's a cushion." but the same isn't true of subjective experiences... and it's especially untrue for labels for a generalized collection of ongoing subjective experiences.

I decided to use the labels "bisexual, aromantic, and transguy" not because I know for sure that the universe ascribed those words to me (it definitely didn't), but because they're just the easiest way to give a brief overview of my situation when there's no requirements to go into the nitty-gritty of what I'm actually experiencing. In a perfect world, I'd have a way to simply say "I experience all of these convoluted and complex aspects of dysphoria, my attraction to people of different genders/sexes presents in these different ways, and my emotional connection to people presents thusly." but I don't, and if I did then everybody would have to have their own words because everybody experiences it differently.

Labeling your sexuality is a bit like when I'm filling in the census - I could be like "My recent family history is [blah blah blah] but if you go back I'm [blah blah blah]." but there's just no point, and everybody knows that very few, if any, working class people in Britain can honestly say "None of my ancestors shagged a member of an invading force." The details of my genetics are wholly unimportant to anybody but a Neo-Nazi, for all intents and purposes I'm just British.

In sexuality, you could find or make up a word for "My aesthetic preference is flibbley-dibbley-do, and I feel X% attracted to men and Y% attracted to women, however X presents thusly and Y presents not-so-thusly, and blah blah blah blah blah." but it's convoluted. Sure, it'll give you a detailed label and sense of an identity that truly and completely aligns with how you feel, but practically every single person on Earth will end up with a different label or set of labels, and we'll lose all sense of community. The community isn't built on identical experience, it's built on similar experience.

I've heard a dozen different descriptions of the difference between aesthetic and sexual attraction, and none of them align with how I feel - none of them take into account an extreme libido or a personality disorder. Maybe there's somebody out there who can put it into words in a way that clicks with my brain and my experiences, and having figured out where my own lines are I'll be more qualified to help others do the same - but, on account of not having found that person yet, I don't have that information to pass on to you.

So, to answer your second question first: No, you're not doomed to be questioning forever - whether you stay as ill-fitting to the common labels as you currently feel that you are, or whether it develops and/or becomes clearer, whether you find it more understandable and easily expressed in the future, is dependent upon a lot of factors (your age, whether you stumble across an article that happens to answer the question that you didn't know you needed to ask, or even sorting out a way that a mental health issue is fogging something, for example).

The truth is that for most people there's likely never going to be a single magical word that stands proudly alone to fully and perfectly describe and encapsulate the complexities of the way that they experience their attraction, and that's okay - that's why we have a bazillion words, the ability to write in paragraphs, and the ability to feel something that doesn't come pre-packaged with a word. The words are descriptive and coined by subjective experiences that aren't your own to form generalized groupings, they're not inherent states of being that we were all built to slot into.

I don't have a favourite colour - I just say "electric blue, pastel blue, or pastel purple" for ease but in reality... who the friggle-frack even has favourite colours? Why? One of my alters loves the colour gold and I cannot for the life of me understand how a person can have a favourite colour, when it completely depends on what it is that's coloured, what the colours are next to, whether you have a headache, what you're seeking out the colour for, and so on. Am I "questioning" my favourite colour? Am I doomed to be "questioning" my favourite colour for the rest of my life? Not really. It's too strong of a word. I'm not striving towards having a favourite colour, I'm just content existing knowing that I enjoy different colours in different circumstances. That's how I am with my sexuality and gender (and some other things) now - I don't think I'm "doomed to be forever questioning", I'm just currently and indefinitely contently inadequately labeled.

My answer to your first question is to wait for a bit, don't pay too much mind to it, maybe read up a little on some people's experiences of identifying as "bi-curious" or discovering their sexuality, but ultimately let it drift to the back of your mind - the more we think about things the more we overanalyze, the more we overanalyze the more we mistake thoughts for something that they're not, the more we find that the thoughts don't fully align with simplistic definitions, and the harder it gets to describe what's going on. If it's inherent to you, it'll be there no matter how little you focus on it, and over time you'll be able to look back and figure out which label is the easiest to succinctly communicate a general "right direction" for your experience, regardless of whether it really captures the nitty-gritty.

Until then, you can do what I do when it comes to the parts of me that I still haven't found "that'll do" labels for, and say "I'm just me." with a shrug... to which I usually get the response "I feel you. All these boxes and numbers, but really we're all just us. You just gotta be yourself."

And as much as I hate to admit it, I gotta agree with those hippies on this one, words are just words, they're not what defines us. Sometimes you have to remember to exist first, to allow yourself to not know things.

But if you do need a word, just remember that it doesn't have to fit like a glove, it doesn't have to perfectly encapsulate all that you are - a blanket is just as good at keeping your hands warm.

~ Vape

[lets-get-fictional]

(TW for abuse!) The parent of my main character becomes abusive during the MC's middle school years. The parent was never abusive before or at least not physically abusive. I need some help brainstorming some ideas for why the parent started physically abusing the MC. I have a few, but I'm not sure I'm satisfied with any of them. Of course, if you aren't comfortable with this topic, I understand! You don't have to answer.

Anonymous asked:

how do I write an abusive relationship where gets worse and worse over time? for any genders

I decided to answer both these asks in one, since what I have to say really covers both questions.

Thank you both for your questions!  This is definitely a sensitive topic, so I’m going to tag this copiously – but I have no problem discussing this, personally, so don’t worry.  You haven’t offended me :]

These are both questions that ask for a broad kind of answer, though, so I’m going to approach it from the emotional aspect.  After all, abusive situations always derive from some kind of intense emotion in the abuser.  This doesn’t excuse their actions, of course, but it is to say that the occasion of abuse arising from a perfectly healthy relationship with perfectly healthy people is rare if not impossible.

Writing Abusive Relationships

The three kinds of abuse, from what I’ve read and experienced, are physical, mental, and emotional abuse.  The first anon is referring to physical abuse, so this is the type of abuse I’m going to discuss.  It’s also a type of abuse that usually starts at home, in the abuser’s childhood as they’re mentally development.  Physical abuse is used as an outlet for emotions, meaning that the abuser, either as a child or through some sort of traumatic situation in adulthood, learned an unhealthy way to express their emotions, and has not learned a better coping mechanism since (or slips out of it in times of stress).

For example: as a child, I used to hit my brother… a lot.  Sometimes for seemingly no reason.  It wasn’t because of some trauma I’d endured or even an example of abuse I’d witnessed.  It was because I had a build-up of emotions that I didn’t know how to handle.  I felt inferior to my brother and unloved by my parents (for reasons I won’t discuss here), and acting out made me feel better for a few minutes.  It got my parents’ attention.  It expressed an anger that I couldn’t put into words, either for fear I’d be punished or because I didn’t know what I was feeling at all.  It wasn’t because I wanted my brother to be hurt – but because it made me feel superior.

Then I got a bit older, and realized what kind of person I wanted to be.  I figured out why it was happening, and most importantly, I felt really, really guilty.

So I grew out of it, as many aggressive children do.  I’ve recently discovered that I’m autistic, which probably attributed to my struggles with expressing my emotions.  I’ve developed different emotional habits (some of which aren’t any healthier, but they don’t hurt anybody) and even in much more stressful times, I’ve never hit anyone since.

Anyway, storytime ends there.  The point is that abusive tendencies don’t crop up out of nowhere, and they definitely don’t just disappear.  Emotions have to build up to the point that they overflow, and when an abuser first lashes out and it sends a signal to their brain saying, “This feels better.  This is getting the emotions out,” that’s when the pattern begins.  And it doesn’t stop until that person:

figures out the emotional cause behind the impulse

learns and practices new coping mechanisms to deal with said emotion

works to heal their relationships, so that their guilt can be lessened and supportive relationships can be established

develops a new self-image, creating a personality higher than abuse – otherwise, their guilt can draw them back into the pattern (the “this-is-who-I-really-am” mentality)

So that’s for the second anon mainly.  Now I’ll go into the different emotions that could be sparking your character’s abusive tendencies, and what situations could be sparking those emotions.

The Heart Behind Abuse – Four Chief Causes

Physical abuse starts from an underlying, building emotion – then it shows itself when this emotion swells and becomes overwhelming.  These feelings come from all sorts of complicated situations, but they can be boiled down to four chief causes:

Frustration

Frustration is the most recognizable cause of physical abuse, as violence is usually associated with strong feelings of anger.  This feeling, like any of the feelings I’ll mention below, does not have to be caused by the victim of the abuse.  Any external source of stress can be transferred onto the victim, creating a target.  Frustration can build up due to:

stress at work (lack of respect, heavy workload, conflict with a coworker)

romantic relationships (lack of communication, arguments, partner’s negative influence)

physical stressors (muscle aches, headaches, illness [possibly progressing], sexual frustration)

failure (slipping into bad habits, disappointing loved ones, inability to perform up to one’s own standards)

personal frustration with victim (victim “disrespects” abuser, victim is unable to do as abuser commands, victim reminds abuser of a negative person/image)

Frustration is usually built up gradually and can create a seemingly sudden and confusing outburst of abuse for the victim.  Frustration is a difficult trigger to manage as it has many sources and can crop up at any time.  Victim may come away from their abuse never knowing what sparked it – possibly blaming themselves.  Victim could “learn” this method of dealing with frustration and repeat the pattern themselves.  Anger management therapy is usually the recommended course of action for the abuser.

Hurt

Hurt (or emotional pain) is often overlooked as a trigger of abusive coping mechanisms, mainly because of the strong social correlation between abuse and anger.  Again, hurt feelings don’t necessarily have to be caused by the victim – although this kind of abuse is usually more personal, therefore more likely to be an interpersonal issue (and therefore more recurrent/traumatizing).  Hurt can be built up due to:

crushed hopes (no promotion, bad grades, rejection letters, personal rejection)

grief (loss of loved one, loss of self-image, loss of passion or source of validation)

heartache (unrequited love, parental disapproval, loneliness, broken trust)

triggered pain (resurfacing memories, reentry into an abusive environment, conflict building feelings of paranoia or abandonment)

personal hurt with victim (real or imagined: betrayal/dishonesty, victim “attacking” abuser, emotional/verbal abuse from victim)

Hurt is more often a sudden onslaught of emotion, and can be less psychologically damaging to the victim if the cause of the hurt (and therefore the abuse) is recognizable.  Victim may sympathize with abuser or develop feelings of anger toward the “cause” of the abuser’s pain.  If the victim is the proclaimed cause of the pain, the victim may develop feelings of guilt which are damaging for years to come.  Counseling and reconciliation of the source of hurt is usually the recommended course of action for the abuser.

Fear

Fear (especially powerlessness) is a strong, yet often overlooked cause of abuse.  It draws from the Fight-or-Flight response humans are supposed to use for survival – but in this case, it’s manipulated to provide emotional protection.  The fear to which I’m referring isn’t actually a fear of a certain situation, although it’s usually triggered by some external loss of control.  The real fear is a fear of emotions.  When there is no solid coping mechanism put in place, any strong feeling becomes terrifying.  Some people run from their feelings through drugs/alcohol/sex/etc..  Some people fight their feelings, which takes a physical form in abuse.  Common triggers of fear include:

powerlessness (professionally or personally, inability to control victim, inability to control themselves, money problems)

overwhelming circumstances (too much responsibility, unsafe environment)

fear of self (fear of revisiting personal traumas, feeling unable to stop lashing out, demonizing self)

fear of others (of their own abusers, of politicians/the media, of therapists, of being abandoned, of being fooled, of being used, of being loved, of being hated)

personal fear of victim (any of the above)

Fear builds up gradually, and it is the easiest for the abuser to explain away or ignore.  It can also allow the abuser to take the role of the victim, allowing abuse to continue and worsen with little or no guilt felt on the part of the abuser.  Victims can feel guilty or can adopt the abuser’s fear (especially of external causes like money problems or fear of therapists) which hinders the process of accurately placing guilt and ending the abusive cycle.  Victims may not only learn behavior, but mimic or return the behavior as the abuse makes them afraid, which makes them act out of their own fear.  Counseling for the issue of fear of emotions, rather than the specific cause of fear, is the recommended course of action.  Counseling for phobias or extreme paranoia may also be desired.

Neurodivergencies

I would have put “mental illness” here, but that’s a bit too specific for what I’m discussing here.  Anything that affects the neurotypical mind can, in some instances, take part in abusive behavior.  This means that external substances, trauma, and even autism will be included here.

A quick disclaimer: this is not to say that neurodivergent people are more prone to abusive tendencies.  My only point is that the aforementioned emotional causes can be exacerbated by mental neurodivergency.  Emotionally healthy ND people don’t go around abusing people.  Neurodivergency is a catalyst of emotional problems becoming abuse – not a cause of abuse.

Neurodivergencies that can exacerbate emotional health issues include:

addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction [abuse can arise from the abuser being sexually rejected], to name a few)

divergencies that hinder emotional expression (autism, depression, muteness, dissociative identity disorder, intellectual disability)

divergencies that heighten emotional intensity (generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personalitiy disorder, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, paranoid personality disorder, schizophrenia)

divergencies that dull emotions (autism, bipolar disorder, depersonalization disorder, depression, sleep disorders)

(Some items are listed in more than one category as mental illness/disabilities are complex and have various effects in various phases).

Mental disorders and substance abuse can make strong emotions even more difficult to handle and express to others, which can trigger an abusive outlet.  This kind of abuse is highly tied to the abuser’s relationship with therapy and medication/sobriety – if the abuser is on the wrong medication, or abandons their medication (or their sobriety), they may lash out more often or more violently.  The abuse itself may come to a complete stop under the right treatment (depending on the mental abnormality at hand), but the emotional problems which cause the abusive tendency will still remain underneath.

Victims will struggle to place blame on the abuser and may remain in the abusive cycle for a long time, attempting to resolve the abuse or feeling the “responsibility” to handle the mistreatment because of their love for the abuser.  Victims can develop internalized ableism or fear of neurodivergency. Diagnosis and proper treatment as well as counseling on emotional management is the recommended course of action for the abuser.

So mother of goose, this was a long post.  I hope this has helped both of you to understand exactly what you’re writing, and how it starts/progresses/ends.  I’ll try my best to tag this appropriately so that no one is affected/harmed by the content of this post.  If the anons (or anyone really) has any other questions, be sure to send them in.

Thanks for reading, and good luck getting through the tough content!

If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask me!

[racheljoyscott]

Hey :) i'm new to the tcc and I wonder...why do all the tcclers claim that Eric and Dylan weren't psychopaths? I mean, maybe they are, maybe they aren't who knows, a post mortem diagnosis is always a bit tricky...but the "evidence" all the books give me seem to be pretty valid. So where's the proof of the tcc that they weren't? I'm just curious, thanks a lot for helping me out with this 💖

People in the true crime community just get fed up people keeping attaching this cold blooded, ruthless psychopath persona to Eric and this lost and confused persona to Dylan. It’s the easiest way for people outside the community to ‘understand’ Eric and Dylan and to move on. But really they aren’t understanding anything true or real about them, which we all can benefit from especially in today’s society.

Many professionals and psychologists promote that Eric was a psychopath, not so much Dylan. For Dylan, people tend to attach a possible mental disorder such as schizophrenia, explaining his actions. I’ve never really seen any psychologist claim Dylan to be a psychopath.

However it’s hard to get an accurate diagnosis since they’re dead. If Eric were diagnosed as a psychopath alive with a therapist of some sort, well, that’s a different story… But because of the way they ended their lives along with thirteen others, it’s easy for people to confuse Eric as a psychopath. Also, their journals are pretty eye opening and can easily misguide your judgement, in my opinion. People still cling to the belief Eric was the mastermind behind the whole plot whereas Dylan was just dragged along because he didn’t know what else to do. Dylan was intelligent and he had plenty of opportunities to back out if he wanted to. But he didn’t. He had every part in the massacre, just as much as Eric. Okay but back to journals…

Eric’s journal is what most people use to diagnose him as a psychopath. Now I can really relate this back to Rachel to make you understand better. (Sorry if this offends you, I know your question was about Eric and Dylan but similar theme here I caught). Many people think she was super depressed and sad all the time, but you have to understand, her journal was her way to express all of her emotions. She was known for being dramatic, her writings tend to be over the top too. You can’t paint the full image of Rachel based off of these writings because it wasn’t the real her, it was just a deeper side she didn’t share to people. I think that can go for Eric and Dylan too in some ways. You really can’t get a true diagnosis for them based off of their writings. They didn’t go around talking like that, or at least in such an extreme manner. And then again, what real evidence do you have Eric was a psychopath? But anyway…

The main factor that makes people think Eric was psychotic was because he had that sense of superiority and entitlement over people. His witty and charming and ‘smooth’ personality towards others make psychologists believe it was just a disguise to get the girls. Dave Cullen really elaborates this theory throughout his whole book, which is one of the reasons why everyone just hates his guts. But according to Brooks Brown, someone who knows way way way more about E and D than any psychologist anywhere, Eric wasn’t smooth and charming. He was shy and it wasn’t cute. Brooks once said it was painful to watch. It definitely wasn’t charming. Yet Dave Cullen really stretches this throughout his whole book. People who read his book thinks its the truth about them. Every uneducated reader about Columbine is just being contaminated with false interpretations of Eric and Dylan by Cullen. I’m not defending Eric or Dylan, but you can see how that gets annoying since people believe it’s the truth. 

There are many articles online by ‘acclaimed psychologists’ who all say Eric was a psychopath. Some say they most likely had a personality disorder, which I agree with more.     I feel you should look up interviews by their friends like Brooks Brown and Devon Adams to get a better view of them as people.

There is a ton of information on the internet about Columbine, it’s crazy. Just stay away from Cullen’s book…