#Look I am all but a simply person who LOVES hurt/comfort and an entire arc that showed us one of my faves characters going thro hell and-

[kanene-yaaay]

Secrets and the Pros and Cons of Not Running Away

Kanene's notes: I will receive no constructive criticism on this, I saw a character that just keeps being destroyed over and over because he loves and cares too much and since mah bros on that island only SUFFER, I *WILL* take the matters onto my own hands and give them all the tickles and fluff thank you so much for understanding.

Anyway, the Happy Pills Arc is my absolute fave until now, and this animatic is my new obsession. It doesn't has anything to do with the fic, really, but I think it deserves more love drtyuiklkjhg.

Warnings: This is a tickle fanfic. It has hurt/comfort, fluff and some angsty thoughts, but nothing too dark. It happens after the Happy Pills stuff and doesn't follow the canon timeline. Ticklish!Forever and Ler!Philza, Ler!Bad, Ler!Pac, Ler!Mike, Ler!Richarlyson, Ler!Tallulah and Ler!Chayanne. It is 8,000 words long.

[~*~]

Forever woke up. 

His eyes hurt when they opened so he kept them closed for a few minutes more, watching the flash of memories run behind his eyelids in blurry movements and sounds. 

For the first time in a while his mind was silent, clear from all the effects of what the Federation did to him. His feelings no longer exploded crazy in his chest as they often did during the last few days, fighting to survive before the chemicals from the drugs washed them over and got suppressed by a blinding, fake happiness.

Their kids were gone. 

Richarlyson was gone. His son disappeared in thin air and there were no clues or hints that showed any single way to get them back or even know where they went. 

The island was in scrambles, empty. 

There were explosions and grieving and chaos everywhere. Every parent doing any and everything to cope with the fact that from day to night they’ve got what was the most important for them ripped right from their fingers. 

The N.I.N.H.O, his project (his responsibility) didn’t work out this time and they lost everything because of it.

Badboyhalo was losing his colors. Baghera disappeared. Cellbit straight out begged him to not leave him alone during all of this. Mike hadn’t been seen in a long time. Etoiles was trying to keep their hopes up. Everyone asked him what they should do, now. What would he do as their president. 

And what did he do? He fucking lost it. He let his feelings get over his head, exploded everything that he could put his eyes on, demolished his base with TNT and threatened Cucurucho, forced the Federation to do a throwback just so they would have an island to put their feet on. Made the Federation see him as a threat and force those pills on him.

He left everyone. His family. His friends.

(What more could he do?)

And everyone should've left him too.

…

And yet…

And yet Pac jumped head first to save him. Accepting to go under Cucurucho’s “treatment” so he could analyze the drugs and find a cure for it. No matter how much he was shaking in fear the entire time, how bad the Federation treated him before or how there was just no certainty that his plan would even work

And yet Philza saw under his mask of smile, past the point of his gun and right into the pain in his eyes in his lowest moment and said that everything would be fine, that he still trusted him, that he knew who he was and how much he cared about the eggs. He said they would find a way to solve things out.

And yet Cellbit didn’t let him go for a single second. He followed him no matter the instability, during those painful moments of consciousness, beyond the fake minutes of happiness and slipped past his traps just to go and pull him out of it. He shouted and hugged and taunted and broke and fought dirty and did what he could to bring him back.

And yet Bad still talked and answered him, even with how much he was hurting, even with the bombs and screams and the dismissing he came back over and over again with his chats and banters and discussions that so easily led Forever to the trap that would come to save his life.

Once again, there were tears in his eyes. 

They were too his family. Forever was the one who put himself under Cucurucho’s radar by going apeshit and bombarding the entire island and they were the ones who saved him from that white fucking bear. From himself. From the Happy Pills.

He cried.

(What else could he do?)

Agony and hope danced in harmony in his chest, sucking all his other senses to nothing and filling his soul with every emotion under the sun at the same time. It was overwhelming but good to be free to feel so easily. It was horrible that he knew how it was like to miss this freedom so much. It was empty to feel this despair all over again. It was good, no, essential to know he was not alone.

Almost hopeful, even.

And yet their children were gone.

And yet everyone was kind of lost.

And yet they needed someone solid, a strong leader to step in.

Forever didn’t feel strong.

(What would he do?)

He wiped his tears. Sat on the bed. Got up. Put back the flag on his shoulder. Took a deep breath, listening to the very known voices coming out of the infirmary that made his entire face change to a (this time genuine) happy, tired and relieved kind of smile.

The president of Quesadilla Island woke up.

(And he didn’t have any idea of how much everyone had been waiting to show him how much they were happy about it.)

[~*~]

It all started in very tiny ways, as most things did, easy to miss if you didn’t know where to look. 

The first time it happened Forever was at favela. He had just finished fixing the elevator from the Karaoke and was watching the sunset (Hi, Bobby) wash over the beach in a dance of colors at the top of the building, resting on the parapet. Pac was somewhere close, building more houses or getting in trouble with Fit, but, besides them, it was just him, his memories and Copacabana beach.

Forever laid his head in his arms, with a long sigh, closing his eyes and just letting the wind mess his hair and clear his thoughts, enjoying the brief moment of peace before he started thinking about more plans and projects to fill his day and mind with.

It was hard, though. When every block he put down or decoration he pulled up made the blonde turn around with a call in the tip of his tongue, words disappearing when he realized that there was no set of small footsteps following him and probably never would again because they were all gone and he was not and how could he ever even think about-

A shiver ran down his spine and made his thoughts come to a halt when he felt a light tickle in the back of his neck, making him have to move a hand out of his comfortable position to wipe the leaf or whatever out of his skin. 

His fingers made contact with nothing. Uh. Must’ve flown away already.

He was tired. Maybe he should take the rest of the day to clean his base. There were still holes from the mine traps that someone has been spreading across the island lately. Another problem for him to resolve. Looked like those were never going to end.

The tickle came back, following him even when he flinched away, with a puffed snicker falling from his tongue. His hand shot to scare whatever insect it was from his neck again but the touch was as nimble as it was soft, lightly and skillfully dancing away from his hold before it could catch him.

“Que porra.” (“The fuck.”) He tried again and again, going so far as slapping his entire arm behind him, hitting nothing.

The sensation disappeared for a brief while before running all the way across his spine, making him almost jump in the air and finally give up his comfortable position to spin around. “Que que é isso, cara!” (“What is this, man!”)

“Pfff- hahaha!”

Forever turned just in the right moment to see his short friend, with sky blue eyes shining with a playful light, pulling a black, crooked and beautiful wing behind his back, his laugh ringing across the building.

“Philza! Really?” 

“What? You wouldn’t have that problem if you wore a shirt, you know?” Forever’s shouted “WHAAAAT!” did nothing to alleviate his laughing fit, a snort not taking long to appear.

“You, you’re, you’re bullying me, man! I just came out of the hospital and you treat me like this. I can’t believe it!”

“You’re-”

“You come here, you hit me, you don’t let me rest after I get out of a coma… I am an injured, man, you know that, Philza? You’re bullying an injured man.”

“I literally,” his tune tried and failed to sound at least a tidbit serious before he descended in more laughter. “I literally didn’t even hit you!” 

Forever continued as if he didn’t hear the protest of the other, turning around and gesticulating dramatically. “You’re a bully, Philza. You’re such a bully.”

“I am doing that to remind you to put on a shirt! You just came out of the hospital, you’re gonna catch a cold.”

“Nah, nah, nah, you’re mean. You’re just so mean to me. Like, I thought we were friends, you know? But I see the truth now.” He tsked. “That is just sad, Philza. That is really sad, man.”

“Oh my fucking god.” The punch he gave on Forever’s arms didn’t even hurt, only making the president snicker louder. “Shut the fuck up.”

Forever chuckled at how done the other sounded, watching him roll his eyes and shake his head with a big smile before taking (he wasn’t resting anymore so might as well just finish his work here) the chance and walking in between the tables and chairs until he got behind the balcony. In no time he began filling the storage with drinks and food. The high, upbeat joy of banting with his friend slowly calming down.

“Actually, I am going to put back my old black suit soon. I am just taking a break from wearing suits so much, you know?”

He didn’t have to explain what the break was really for and how his old presential clothes didn’t have anything to do with it, Philza understood. 

“Take that time off, Forever, you deserve it.” His tune was soft. 

Forever smiled, wishing he could show Phil how wrong he was. A“break” definitely wasn’t on the list of things that Forever deserved at all. That anarchist was way too kind.

“Thank you very much, my friend.” He closed the cabinet door, turning around (and away), facing the entire restaurant. 

Each chair, each color and decor had been carefully picked by small , gentle claws. The building had been chosen by hand and even the balcony was built lower than normal, made so that a small child could go behind it and pretend to be a barman, sing with the melodies and enjoy the view with their family and friends. 

Signs were still spreaded there, on the restaurant, the rooms, the favela, the N.I.N.H.O, the Spawn, their home and island… None of it had been built to be just for the adults and it all brought a longing pang in his chest. 

Saudade.

They’re gone. They’re gone and he was here laughing and resting and doing nothing to rescue them and how could he be so usele-

Another soft sweep of feathers right under his chin made him flinch away with a surprised, bitten giggle, successfully making his line of thoughts disintegrate for a second time. A half smile painted his face.

“Stop with that, man! It tickles.”

Philza tilted his head slightly to the side, eyes sharp in concentration, as if just realizing something. But at the sound of Forever’s voice he blinked and let his expression become a tad more relaxed, with worried tunes.

“You just seemed to be thinking a whole lot back there. What is in your mind?”

“Nothing really important. It doesn’t matter.”

“Well, I’ve got some bad news for you then, mate. Because it will matter to me. You can tell me anything, Forever.”

And for a moment the other considered not doing that. Teleporting away or brushing his worries with another topic or a joke. But that was Philza. 

Philza, one of the most protective parents who still trusted him with Tallulah when he was away. Philza, who didn’t care about the elections but voted for him anyway. Philza, who trusted him with such a conviction and an unyielding loyalty that Forever had no idea of what he could ever have done to deserve it.

(“You saved my children.” Philza would say if he could listen to him. “You went beyond and further to save everyone’s kids for free over and over so no parent would ever carry the grief of losing them again. You did it for Richarlyson, for Tallulah, for Bobby, for Pomme, for you, for us, for free. I’m not forgetting that easily and I’m not letting you forget too.”)

And that was enough.

He stared at the beach again, the words coming easier when he was not looking at the other.

“Talullah was the one who decorated the restaurant. We were having a Karaoke Night and when we got up here she had already put all those nice trees and pretty flowers…It looks really nice.”

Philza sighed, looking ten thousands of years older.

“Yeah, she has an amazing taste.” Then he walked and stayed right in front of Forever’s view, staring right at his eyes, serious. “We’re going to find them, ok? Richas, Talullah, Chayanne, Ramon… Every single one, we’re going to get them back. So don’t let yourself give up and stay focused.”

The president, his friend, nodded.

“We will get them back.” Forever agreed. “No matter what it costs.”

[~*~] 

But Philza was a discreet fella, so things continued to be shown in tiny ways for a while. A poke when he got too distracted and his thoughts too dark, a scribble to get his attention, a sweep of feathers when he refused to stop working so much and listen to the reason. Forever pretended to be annoyed, but the fact that the other cared so much and in such a playful way kept fishing fond smiles and amused chuckles out of him and that he couldn’t ignore.

His cute secret was secure with him, and so things took a while before it began escalating, all because of a different afternoon…

It started with a jumpscare.

“FOREVER!”

“PUTA MERDA!” (“HOLY SHIT!”) The loud shout quickly descended in a series of nervous giggles. The blond holding his chest and resting in a wall to not fall, muscles trembling with the sudden shot of adrenaline. 

It took a couple of minutes for him to get back his composure and glare at the demon that was still snickering gleefully at him, tail swooping around in delight as he jumped around. 

It took exactly one second. 

In a blink Forever was getting his soul back to his body and then in the other he was throwing himself at him and both were rolling on the floor in a mess of pushes and kicks. “Tu se acha engraçadão, hein? Tu se acha muito engraçadão. Palhaço! Tá palhaço demais, hein, Badboyhalo.” (“You think you’re so funny, yeah? You think you’re so funny. You clown! You’re being such a clown, huh, Badboyhalo.”)

Forever didn’t care that his wrestling was uncoordinated enough so most hits didn’t even land on his friend, different from Bad that actually got more than one or two kicks right before letting himself be lost in a mix of too joyfully complains of “unfair attack” and “dictator” to have any true heat in them. 

Their playful fight was kept for a few pieces of a while before they were too distracted by their own amusement to not let the other go and try to recompose themselves.

“Where! is! it!”

“What?” Forever asked, staring with confused eyes at the black demon who crossed his arms and squinted at him in what Forever could swear was an annoyed composure if it wasn’t the way his tail swayed around and his eyes glinted in glee. Whether it was for being so unclear and successfully confusing the blond or for the original reason he appeared there in the first place it wasn’t clear. 

For a moment his eyes unfocused from the form of the other and watched the wall full of kind, heartwarming messages that he asked for everyone still awake at that night to write so he could make BadboyHalo a surprise. Suddenly all the pieces came together in his mind and formed such a cute picture that Forever couldn’t help but let out a delighted chuckle, lips curling in an amused, teasing smirk. “Ooooh, I see what you’re talking about now, Badboy.”

That chuckles almost became a crackle when the only response he received was a petulant huff and a hand extended in his direction, fingers twitching impatiently. Forever took out his backpack, rummaging through it until he found the compartment where he kept all his flowers, carefully pushing Richa’s favorite one aside so he could pull another one. His fingers clasped around a stem and soon a light purple grazed his sight. “Here. Your daily flower. It’s for until you get better, right?”

“Oh, nice, thank you.” Bad’s voice tinted with a softer tune, carefully gathering the gift and putting it on his own backpack, in a special place, together with the others, before his tune became agitated again, feet tapping on the floor with energy. “But that is NOT what I am talking about.” He got closer and repeatedly began slapping his arm, following the president when he shouted and started running around the enclosed space, jumping in attempts to escape from the sudden attack. “WHERE IS IT! GIVE ME, IT’S MINE!”

“What! What more do you want from me!” When no answer was given besides more chasing and (friendly) hitting, the blonde got the warpstone with an exaggerated sigh. 

“You know, Badboyhalo,” when Forever said his entire name, it wasn’t exactly sing-songing, but it had a little beat painted with amusement and tease, when the demons haven’t been able to successfully annoy him out of his mind, of course. “I really need to go, man, and since you don’t have anything to say to me… tsk, that is so sad, man, I was really feeling quite… generous today”

“No!” The demon tried to grab his shoulder, but the blonde dodged swiftly, still pretending to be looking busy and thinking hard about his next location. “Forever. Do not. You’re not running away. I know what you’re doing!” Forever smiled. 

Being friends with Cellbit, you learned a thing or two. Like how to disappear in the middle of a conversation, but, especially, how to do that in the most annoying way possible. “No, no, no, I’m not running away at all, Bad, I am actually…”

However, that was the thing: Bad was also Cellbit’s friend, and so realized the exact moment that glint filled the president’s brown eyes what was about to happen. His hand flew in another attempt of a grab, missing once again his shoulder when the other, a bit later than last time, dodged, which allowed his reflex to kick in and his hand changed the trajectory and lay on the brazilian’s side, squeezing.

None of them was prepared for the squeal that this action fished.

For a second, a blissful second, everything froze and both stared at each other. 

That is how Forever saw the exact second the demon’s eyes squinted and a playful flame alighted in them.

In a blink his other hand also flew to his waist and began attacking both sides with no mercy. Forever had no chance to even try to stop the barking loud laughter that exploded from him, immediately letting go of the warpstone to clue on Bad’s wrists, trying to push them away by sheer reflex even before his brain could process what was happening. 

“Nonono, stop that! BA-ad!”

Bad couldn’t help but giggle, half adoring and half malefically, at the way the laughter made most of his words get almost intelligible. Besides, Bad thinks he could grow accustomed to having his name being snickered in such an adoring - together with that cute smile and shiny eyes - way more often, really.

His fingers poked and prodded with skill and curiosity, looking for any sensitive spot that could create a new fun sound and concentrating there for a few maddening seconds and plenty of digging before looking for the next one. There was a very nice one juuust above his lowest rib that made the barking laughter become a string of snickers that seemed to grow higher and faster by the seconds. It almost made Bad forget his main job now as his friend and rival the second (actually, even before that, if he was being honest, but honesty was overrated) he discovered that little fun secret about their dear tyrant:

Tease him out of his mind.

“Huh? Stop what, Foreverrr?” “That! You’re ti-” Bad closed his hands in fists and pressed his knuckles on his ribs and rubbed as if his life depended on it, cutting the rest of the sentence with success and filling the room with much more shrieks than before. “What was that?” 

Forever couldn’t answer, his legs were failing and it made him get close to a fall if it wasn’t for the demon adjusting his hold on him and slowly lowering him to the ground, fingers still dancing in each and every rib, scratching and scribbling happily.

“Sorry, I couldn’t hear what you’re saying, some muffinhead is laughing their heart out near here. Perhaps they heard a very good joke. Hmmm, what do you think Forever?”

Forever snorted, eyes almost closed with how much he was laughing, tears beginning to collect in the corner of his eyes. A few portuguese words got tangled with his crackling. Bad nodded seriously and slowed his tickle attack, not wanting to go too far.

“Uh hm, no, I get what you’re putting down here. We just need to ignore the laughter and keep up our nice conversation. I think that is a great idea!” He snuggled his hands cozily under Forever’s armpits, lightly wiggling and poking, which resulted in the laughter becoming a new dance of a calmer, but still high with adrenaline and mirth, string of snickers that made the blonde’s shoulders bounce in joy. “What were you saying before?” 

“Stop tickling me!” “What!” Bad gasped in offense. “How can you even accuse me like that! What the fudge, I thought we were friends. But, no, I see. I came aaaaall the way over here, did nothing wrong and you just treat me like that.” He gave a fake sniff.  “You’re hurting my feelings, Forever.” “Mentiroso!” (Liar!) It was quite difficult to see with tears and squinted eyes, especially when Bad’s hoodie always kept his expressions hidden, however, it was even harder to miss how those shiny eyes glinted with mischief and fondness and his smirk went from one ear to another. 

It was quite the sweet sight. Forever had to push his face away before it made him blush vomit. 

(For a second, he could almost swear that the blue that covered the other’s figure dimmed a little for a piece of time.)

“You’re such a liar.”

“Oh why, thank you.”

Bad freed his hands and softly attacked the back of the elf’s ears, still too lost in the lovely sound of his delightful giggles, crackles and snickers to actually let him go. That was the true sound of Forever’s happiness, not that forced, explosive laughter created by those pills. 

Besides, Forever also wasn’t pushing him away.

Maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t the only one missing that freeing sound. Maybe Forever also longed for those moments of playful fights between them, of pushing the buttons and teasing and caring and always, always being there, for the better or the worse.

Eventually, the president held his hands and stopped the attack, left over giggles still pouring from his lips like a waterfall. 

Their eyes met.

Forever’s smile got relaxed and small before growing bigger. 

Bad just hummed, tail starting to sway fastly from side to side.

“So, Badboyhalo…”

“Yes?”

Forever’s grip got more firm. 

Bad’s pull got equally stronger. 

They kept smiling.

“Are you… uh.” His voice lost the undertone of playfulness, brown eyes focusing with true curiosity for a moment. “Coceguento? How is it in english? Tickly?”

“Oh, it’s ticklish. For example, you are very ticklish, Forever.”

“Hehehe,” he snorted, and his curiosity was satisfied. “Yeah, yeah, I got it. But what about you, Badboyhalo? Are you… ticklish?” The word came slowly and playfully, tinted with a nice accent.

Bad’s tail opened his backpack, rummaging in search for a very specific item.

“Hmmm… no, actually. I’m not.”

The blonde’s smile got more dangerous. “I don’t know… I don’t believe in you, man.” He found it. 

Bingo.

“Then why don’t you try to find out?” 

Forever pulled him closer and with a swift move the enderpearl that had been in his bag was thrown to the other side of the room, successfully freeing the demon from his hold. Not a second later, though, Forever was jumping on his feet, ready for another chase.

Lots of laughter filled the afternoon, that day.

[~*~]

After that, the avian wasn’t the only one who now randomly poked, prodded and attacked the outgoing brazilian when he wasn’t expecting, anymore. Even though Badboyhalo’s attacks were much more out of the blue, following him in those lonely afternoons when he was distracted in his adventures or too lost in a project to realize the other invaded his base in the middle of a sleepless night. 

But, you see, the difference between Philza and Bad and knowing that Forever is actually pretty ticklish is a very single detail: Bad is a fucking gossiper who loved to set chaos just to see where it would go. 

And, therefore, the main reason why Forever was so screwed right now.

“NÃO! SAI, SAI, SAI. LARGA DE MIM!” (NO! GET AWAY, GET AWAY, GET AWAY. LET ME GO!)

“Que isso, moço, tá fugindo da gente por que?” (What is this, bro? Why are you running away from us?) 

Forever didn’t even have to turn around to see Mike’s giant smug grin. It was almost palpable in his tune. But if anyone could have any doubt about its existence, they just needed to listen to his crackles as both him and Pac chased their friend through the Spawn, leaving a very amused Bad and  Bagi, who shouted a “Boa sorte aí, Forevinho!” (Good luck, Forevinho!) in the wind behind.

“Pois é, a gente só quer um abraço apertado do nosso presida da galera! Cadê o espírito da Favela Six?” (That’s right. We just want a tight hug from our favorite president! Where’s the Favela’s six spirit?) Pac, however, questioned with a genuine tune, almost naive like as he followed the other closely, getting closer and closer by the seconds. For a moment he almost tricked the president into thinking that he was the merciful one, then he remembered about that one tickle fight he, Mike and Tubbo had in the Favela.

Let’s just say it was just a very quick thought, really.

“Favela six é o caralho, ceis querem é me roubar. Eu já disse que não vai ter Armazém da Galera nenhum! Isso é ataque à autoridade, hein!” (Favela Six my ass, you just want to rob me. I already said that there won’t be any Free Storage! This is an attack on authority!)

“A gente só quer o que é nosso por direito, Forevin.” (We just want what is faithfully ours, Forevin.)

The blonde didn’t even have a chance to answer before an arm grabbed his shoulder and pushed, disbalancing him enough so Pac was able to sneak behind him and lock him in a hug, snickering gleefully in his ear.

“Que isso, cara, achava que tu era compromissado! Vou falar pro Fit, hein!” (The hell, man! I thought you were compromised! I’m going to tell Fit!) Forever’s struggles only grew stronger when he saw Mike getting closer, wiggling his hands in the form of claws as he stopped running and instead began to approach slowly, chuckles falling freely from his lips and making shivers run across his spine and giggles to pile in his chest. 

He tried again to free himself from the hug, showing no success. Pac’s hold was firm as a mountain.

“E desde quando que tu tá malhando? Tá todo mamadíssimo aí, né, eu tô sabendo.” (And since when you’re ripped? You’re all ‘mamadíssimo’ now. I see what’s going on.)

Pac let out an amused, with drops of shyness, snort. “Pois é, né, moço. Sabe como é né… Tô indo na academia do Fit bastante esses tempos e tudo mais, aí dá nisso.” (That is right, bro. You know how it is… I’m visiting Fit's Gym a lot these last days and that is what happens.) His tune lost a bit of the light and became more serious, cracked in the corners. “Também, né, a gente nunca sabe quando vai precisar. Eu não quero que quando chegue a hora…” (Also, we don’t know when we’re gonna need it. I don’t want that, when the time comes…)

Forever knew exactly what he was talking about, the same cloudy thoughts that filled everyone’s mind in the island the second he warned that the kids had ran away because a danger greater than everything they’ve seen before was coming, the Federation choosing to announce the train station’s opening in just a few days also did not help their nerves.

He looked at Pac’s shadows under his eyes, suddenly remembering that his friend also went under the Happy Pills Treatment, the horrible withdrawal, the exhaustion of recovery, all to save him. 

His struggles became just a little, a little less strong, heart melting and hurting like it did for every single member of their dysfunctional family since they arrived in that boat.

The scientists deserved to have their own silly fun, even if the fun was destroying their friend and president in a mess full of giggling pieces.

And so Forever let out a loud laughter, wiggling his eyebrows and giving him a knowing smirk. “Tu tá praticando bastante exercício com o Fit é? Aham, hehehe, tô sabendo.” (Doing a lot of exercise with Fit, yeah? Uh hm. Hehehe, I see.)

“FOREVER!” This time the snort that came out from Forever’s mouth was more of a result of Pac's unfairly squeezing his belly non stop instead of a reaction to the affronted shout, the one with blue hoodie not throwing any other remark or getting lost in any dark thought. The blonde counted that as a win for him. 

“Tá bem engraçadinho, mas você não vai conseguir me distrair. Sabe, o Badboy me falou algo muito interessante sobre você que ele descobriu mês passado…” (You think you’re being funny, huh. But you’re not going to distract me. You know, Badboy told me something very interesting about you that he discovered last month…)

Mike finally got right in front of him and Forever immediately started kicking in his direction to keep those offending fingers away from his torso at the same time that he continued to attempt to pry Pac’s hands - that somehow seemed to sense the exact spots he was the most sensitive and concentrate all their pinches, scribbles and tickly efforts on them over and over again - until the attack forced Forever to press his lips on his shoulder to contain the blossoming laughter and embarrassing squeals that tried to escape from his mouth.

His efforts to not let any sound out, however, were demolished when, in his distraction, Mike grabbed his ankle and grinned like a shark that finally got his prey. 

“Eu preferia uma mãozinha, mas já que é isso que você tá oferecendo…” (I’d rather you gave me a hand, but since you’re offering…) And, locking the leg in a headlock,  his fingers began dancing across his sole, walking around his arch and giving some special attention to the extremely ticklish space right under his toes, skillfully dodging any kicks that this move resulted in and breaking Forever’s barriers instantly.

Forever’s booming laughter filled the air in a free dance of joy, mirth and a warmth that filled his heart when he remembered just how long had it been since all of them could just get together and goof around a bit, no kidnappings or imminent dangers in their minds for a blissful pieces of time.

[~*~]

“Soooo, guys, I think I’m heading out, now.” Forever kept jumping on the trampoline, restless energy running on his veins after talking to Phil about his journey in the Nether. The virus hadn’t spread a lot those last days, but the conversation was hard, not only because of how, primarily, exhausting it was to go through all of it, but because for some reason something in him made he almost feel compelled to shut his mouth and not say a single word about the infection to anyone else.

They played and gave each other a few remarks and pokes of fun when Philza asked for Forever to take off his shirt in the bunker, careful touches analyzing the skin around the ébano substance glued on his back and in the nape of his head. Even so, it made the blonde want to hide away the result of his journey. Forever never have been ashamed of his body. He used to walk around shirtless, on the good old, first days on the island, afterall. But if he was being honest... he was afraid about that infection, and Philza didn’t seem very relieved about it either.

It was a literal mark about how he had failed in absolutely every single sense and chance he had out there. In finding any clue, in getting their kids back, in saving Walter Bob or even himself. In the end, he was not able to do any of this.

That is the President of Quesadilla Island, everyone.

(“We’re going to talk with Cucurucho and demand answers about what the fuck is this.”

Forever gave a humorless chuckle, happy that the children were outside playing so they weren’t here to witness how defeated he sounded for a second before adjusting himself to a playful grin that didn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, Philza, he is very good at this. Giving us answers, right?”

“We have to try. If someone knows about this it is the Federation.”  Philza brushed the other’s sarcastic ‘há!’ easily and moved until he was right in front of the brazilian, capturing his eyes in a firm stare. “And if they don’t have anything, we’re going to find our own answers.”

Forever nodded, not really believing.

“You worry too much, my friend.”

“Exactly. I already told you but I will repeat it until it gets through your thick skull: I always will worry and I’m not leaving you side, mate.”

For a moment words escaped from his tongue, a mix of feelings of ‘safe’, ‘happy’ and ‘embarrassment’ filled his chest before he got a hold of his senses. 

“Alright, alright, alright.” 

This time, when he smiled there was a light back into his brown, tired eyes. 

“You know, Philza, you really need to get over me, man. The line continues, I’m already moving forward and you still try to romance me, it’s- what is the word? Oh, embarrassing, hehehe”

The avian took advantage of his position to hit the other upside his head, a surprise snort being fished from his lips. 

“Oho, shut the fuck up. You’re the one who is still on this!”)

And yeah, maybe he was just making a strategic retreat after showing vulnerability, but who could blame him, really? No one, that’s who. He would be out before they did try.

“Come on, Richas, vamo de Megabase.” (Let’s go to Megabase) He called, getting out of the trampoline when the boy kept painting and paid him no mind. Tallulah, however, stopped writing on a book to go to him, Chayanne turned to look from his place next to the grill nearby, already testing a new recipe.

The girl placed a sign and stared at him with attentive eyes, lips firmly pressed in a shadow of disappointment. ‘You already going?’

(God. He really missed the sound of little steps and signs being placed. They missed it all so much.)

Forever internally winced. He really didn’t spend a lot of time with Chay and Talullah since they’re back, letting them enjoy more time with Phil and just making quick check ins once in a while. He also took the last days to spend as much time as he could with Richas, afterall.

“Yeah... sorry, Talullah, but me and Richas still have to finish our project, right Richas?”

Still no answer from the younger one, too concentrated in every stroke to pay the conversation any mind.

Forever chuckled, sensing a chance for some mischief. Cleaning his throat, he lifted his voice from the usual soft tune he always used with Tallulah to a more taunting tune, making it louder so Richas could listen perfectly well.

“Ohhh, but maybe you can go and help me to make it, right, Talullah? You’re such a nice, helpful egg who listens to your parents when they call you, just like Chayanne. Richarlyson could take some examples from his older siblings more, tsk.” The president had to hold the snickers when he saw the red cow head stop and slowly, threateningly slowly, turn around to face him, Richas letting go of the brush to squint their eyes at him. Talullah and Chayanne rolled their eyes, amused, already used to the playful banters between father and son. “But ahh, he just never listens. Oooh, I have an idea! While Tallulah helps me with the decoration, Chayanne, you can go too and make your delicious barbecue there to keep us- AH!”

The surprised shout was a direct result for when the younger launched himself at his father in protest and began roughhousing immediately, both descending in growls and portuguese for a few couple of minutes before Forever laid a satisfied Richas on the floor, who immediately placed a sign.

‘Pai, stop. I’m making Pepito’s birthday present, let me finish it >:0 we can go Mebase later :D’

“Ok, ok, I get it, I get it. You like Pepito more than your own father. Yeah, yeah, no Richas, no, I get it.” He began fake sniffing and making crying noises, leading to a Richas kicking his leg in a clear message of ‘stop the dramatics’ before going back to the canvas. “Ok, ok, warn me when you finish your drawing then, we can stay a little more.”

The three kids danced in excitement.

(...)

He is not sure how exactly he had ended up in this position.

Talullah and Chayanne were secure and cozy his arms, half because of a poke of fun at Philza that started with a joke ten minutes ago and they just kept it running and half as a parting hug that was stiffly (but still very carefully) answered by Chayanne and warmly by Tallulah. Forever enthusiastically squeezed and hugged them even tighter. A bit jealous of how Philza could shield them both with his wings during their own hugs and how he could only wish that his arms would be strong enough to defend them when the time comes.

“OK, now it’s for real. Richas, let’s go!”

But, when Richarlyson appeared in front of him, paints and canva already put inside his backpack, his smile had a different tint in it and, between his curls, Forever could recognize the flame that always appeared when that kid’s inner demon - not his terrifying artistic alter ego, though, the general demon that lives inside every rascal kid - woke in search of chaos.

He immediately became wary.

‘Chay, Talluh, can I tell you a secret about Pai Forever? 0-0’

Both siblings immediately nodded.

“Ohh, gossip. I like, I like.” Philza snorted at the affronted look in Forever’s face. 

“Vai contar nada, vai contar nada, seu muleque atentado! Nem sei o que tu vai falar, mas não vai falar não. Que que é isso, Richarlyson, tá se virando contra o seu próprio pai?” (You’re telling nothing, you’re telling nothing, you absolute brat. I don’t even know what you’re about to say but you’re telling nothing. What is it, Richarlyson, are you turning against your own dad?)

During the entire scold Richas kept jumping around in circles with the utmost, simple delight, wiggling his body and tail in sync in front of Forever, as if daring him to let go of the other two eggs to go and actually catch him, like a cat looking deep into your eyes before throwing the cup right off your table.

He put a sign on the ground.

‘Pai Forever is absurdly, awfully, very, very, ticklish. And it’s so funny because he always agrees to give us anything when we tickle attack him at home.'

“WHAAAAAT! RICHARLYSON, TU VAI FICAR DE CASTIGO, SEU OVO SAFADO. VAI PASSAR O RESTO DA VIDA NAQUELE CASTELO ASSOMBRADO LÁ DO TEU PAI CELLBIT. VOU CHAMAR O ELMARIANA PRA PUXAR TEU PÉ DE NOITE” (RICHARLYSON, YOU’RE GOING TO GET GROUNDED, YOU RASCAL. YOU’RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN YOUR DAD CELLBIT’S HAUNTED CASTLE. I’M GOING TO CALL ELMARIANA TO PULL YOUR FEET IN THE NIGHT.)

His kid, his beautiful, beautiful baby boy that he would explode the entire island for and go through the literal hell all over again if it meant that he would be finally safe, only looked at him in a confused expression - as if the lil shit just couldn’t tell why his dear pai was running away from him as he tried to get closer - and began following his steps as Forever tried to put distance between them, holding Chayanne and Talullah the farthest away from his torso that he could while the two squirmed trying to escape and attack.

In the end his back ended up hitting the tree and, without being able to get his items to flee, he had nowhere to go.

“Wait, wait, wait, don-” A chortle escaped the very exact moment Richas began drilling on his sides, making Forever want to bounce up and down with the sudden tickly energy that shot through his entire body, leaving his mouth with a big, dazzling smile and his arms to fall in an attempt to protect himself from the tickling, which inevitably brought the other children close and sealed his fate.

Tallulah was bold, briefly looking at his face for any sign of discomfort before carefully shoving her claws under his armpit, scratching the ticklish skin with ease, but for the loud shriek that this resulted one could think that she just unlocked a full, unmerciful on a tickle attack.

Chayanne took a bit longer, giving his surroundings and sky a wary look, as if a monster would appear the very second he lowered his guard, only to end up finding his father’s gaze, who was watching at them with a soft expression and nodding encouragingly. The little (way to young) warrior relaxed and also took the job of scribbling, encircling and digging (just the tiniest bit, he had to be mindful about his claws after all) the other armpit, fish just more squeals and plenty of gleeful laughter with that.

Forever felt like he was about to jump out of his skin, his body going crazy at the ‘it tickles, it tickles so so much!’ feeling while his brain was still caught in the need to not move around too much to not hurt any kid with his squirms. All of which ended up with the blonde doing a weird little dance around the spot that brought plenty of giggles and amused snickers from the young ones.

Now, the similarity between Philza and Bad is that, while he wasn’t exactly the one who created it, Philza was more than inclined and wouldn’t necessarily refuse to add to a chaotic situation it if the chance came, if he felt like it.

That is why he stepped close, winking at them. “I think it’s better if you just agree to their terms, Forever.”

“I-I” the adult tried to bite back another giggling fit, but their tickles were so goddamn light and maddening- “I don’t even snk know what thehey want!”

“Just agree to give them anything then.”

Forever shook his head. He knew his son enough to understand how much of a pain in the ass that decision could become.

“Needing more convincing? Well, kids, you saw it.”

“Filho da puta-” (Son of a bitch-), and Forever threw his head backwards in more laughter, more squeaks, more half squirms.

Now, Philza may not know Portuguese. However, six months sharing an island with 7 brazilians and plenty of reasons to swear taught him well what some words meant. He snorted, half amused and half affronted.  

“Do NOT swear in front of the children.” Then, a wicked grin was formed in his expression.“You know what? I think the eggs need a little help.”

Forever’s eyes got wide when he saw the avian stepping close, cracking his fingers, making an electric shiver run across his spine and spread through his nerves, making his fingertips tingle with adrenaline and anticipation. 

His legs tensed in preparation for the chase, unfortunately, his son knew him too well.

In a blink Richarlyson threw himself on his legs and hugged them, successfully stopping him from even trying to escape. And those extra pieces of time were all that Philza needed. As fast as he was to defend and attack, he positioned himself right in front of the president, firmly pressing his shoulder to the tree and not really, truly, preventing him from escaping, but successfully securing him in place, in the same time.

“Ok, kids, what I know for a fact is that his neck is a very bad spot…” He demonstrated it by lightly tracing and wiggling his nails on said place, all of the dragon hybrids watching attentively as the action made Forever lose himself in a sea of snickers and yelps, a stronger reaction only coming out when two more tiny hands got mixed in the fun when Chayanne and Talullah tried mirroring their dad.

“But a spot that could make him cave…” Philza hummed before turning to the young one with a red mushroom cow head. “What do you think, Richarlyson? His hips or the back of his ribs?”

Richas looked at his dad. 

At how dark have been the circles under his eyes since he came back, at how he kept chatting with the islanders but never truly talking to them, how he always kept running off to another project or meeting, always saying that Richas was his son and his best friend and the only one he could trust when they got caught up in the middle of the night building and decorating his base.

He saw how, until now, he hadn’t run away. Through the teases, the attacks and tickles, he stayed.

And so, he smirked. 

Placed a sign.

‘Both?’

“Geez, I’m never getting into a tickle fight with you, mate.” Even so, the avian reflected his smirk right back at him and both turned to look at Chayanne and Talullah, who nodded in understanding and placed their claws on the back of his ribs. 

“Nononono! Wait!” Philza placed his free hand on his hips, thumb pressing the spot right above the bone, the palm resting on the back of his spine. Forever’s speech became more high pitched and much faster, with nervous, delirious chuckles already spilling and spinning in the air. “None of you said what you wanted from me! That is not justo, uh, just, huh, fair! Calma aí, come on, wait, wait, wait!”

They did not, in fact, wait.

For a second, once again, everything else in the world disappeared. There were no code monsters, no Federation, no Purgatory or anything else but the warm, electric feeling of fingers and claws prodding, pinching and scratching that took over his entire senses, making his laughter ring free in a song composed of yelps, shrieks, squeals and snickers that filled the air. There was nothing else but the fun, the joy and the warmth of a careful touch and silly taunting smiles that his heart melt with care over and over again.

In the end, after more laughter, plenty of teasing and lots of snorts, they finally agreed to ask him to visit them again after a couple of days for a nice picnic. A request which, in between leftover chuckles, plenty complains and a few gleeful tears, Forever agreed, a plan of vengeance already forming in his brain.

[tyttamarzh]

Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter.

This will probably be very long, so if you want to read it, go grab some popcorn and get comfortable.

I have to talk about this because it's eating me up inside. I think I shouldn't give so much importance to comments coming from sewers like Twitter and much less Tiktok, but it makes me so sick (and I'm such a masochist that I even spend time looking for the shit they say to make me angrier and debate them xD).

I am very happy that it was finally made official, with papers certified by the federation, that Tallulah is the daughter of Philza and Missa, I think that was not entirely necessary for them, because they had assumed it for a long time (let's assume that Tallulah needed the pappers to end her W arc), although I suppose that more than anything it was done for those people who still cannot accept it or who deny the paternity of Phil and Missa (With Missa, although it bothers me, I can even understand it, he He hasn't been as present and many people don't know him, but god, it would be a crime to deny Tallulah's paternity to Phil, the man who has kept her alive and given everything for her throughout her life).

I'm glad that, although I have seen negative comments, the majority have been positive (even if it hurts them, it doesn't matter, it's official, screw them). Mainly, the negative comments have been from defenders of W and their arguments are so poor and weak that they are easily refuted. It is obvious that these people do not know Tallulah and have never met her, many do not even know how things turned out and say nonsense like that the current Llulah is an imposter, that it is not fair that they "rewrote" history and erased W (which It is false, Llulah's words make it clear that history was never changed, she simply moved on and that person remained in the past).

I refuted all those arguments on Twitter but screw Twitter, I hate the fucking character limit. So I'm going to expand (I have a lot of poison to get out of my skin). I have some points:

1- "That's not Tallulah" Of course it is her, those who witnessed her life and her growth during the year that passed, can realize that this was her natural evolution. She is the same girl who grew up overcoming her limitations, who suffered, who felt alone, who had abandonment problems, who everyone saw as a poor abandoned girl and who found comfort next to someone who has always loved her like a father and a brother who gave everything for her.

2- "They erased all her lore" No. Tallulah's lore is the one she built with Philza and Chayanne over the course of the year they lived together. Her relationship with W and her longing for him was only part of her story (although people made a lot of emphasis on that), but it was not the only thing that defined her, it never was and only people who never got to met her think that. They see her like an extension of that other person, as the only thing that kept him on the server, but did not see her as an individual character and definitely did not watch Phil's Vods and they never really knew her lore.

3-"How do they explain this in the lore?" Simple, there was someone in her life, someone who was her first father, but who spent very little time with her, who left a long time ago and who is currently no longer part of her life. She learned to let go of the past and focused in the family she has in the present, the family that loves her, that watched her grow up, that makes her happy and gives her security to believe in herself and that is the Death Family, Chayanne, Philza and Missa. Time passes, not all people stay, treasure those who are by your side and let go of what never brought you anything but pain.

4- "They should have created another egg and replaced her" Why replaceher? It has no sense or reason. She is a character who built her own story with her family, a story that never really involved that other person other than with one or another sporadic mention, why eliminate a character that evolved by itself? Little by little she separated herself from what she was at the beginning and that bond that she had with that first father was practically non-existent. What would be the point of eliminating it or replace her with another new character?

5- "No matter what other parents and appearance give her, she will always belong to W because she still carries the name he gave her" No. She never belonged to him. She lived with that man for 2 days and apart from leaving him the promise of a reunion, she did not contribute anything else to her life. She formed her own path, her passion for music was not because of him, it was something she already had before, her love for nature, for animals, everything was built in the days she lived with Philza (even with uncle Bad). She suffered for her first father but she moved on, she matured, she discovered her link with death and her powers as a medium, she acquired her own personality and little by little she built the Tallulah she is now.

She never belonged to anyone but herself and she always fought to prove that, but people insisted on dumping trauma on her and reminding her that she was an abandoned child waiting for someone who at a certain point was nothing more than an idealized dream, because There was never a real relationship between them, they never lived together long enough. She little by little made her decisions and chose the people she wanted to be her parents (and it's not that she had few options, Quackity, Bad and even F wanted to adopt her at the time and asked them to, but she was not a girl who was looking for parents). She could choose and she chose Philza, the person who had always been there for her and later she chose Missa, someone who despite not knowing her very well gave her his love unconditionally and gave her security when she needed it. Then she was able to feel the warmth of being part of a complete family.

6- "They should change her name because W gave her that name! That impostor is not Tallulah!" Why? Her name is not anyone's intellectual property, at the time it was given to her, it belonged to her for better or worse and yes, in some way it will always be a tie to her past, but a past she has already left behind and managed to overcome by creating new memories and dreams.

To a certain extent I understand those who became attached to her because she reminded them of that other person, but if they couldn't see her as her own character, it means that they never cared enough to make the effort to get to know her.

It would shock us all if a character we liked suddenly changed drastically and left behind what like us in the first place. But if they had really watched her, they would have realized that the change was not sudden, it was gradual.

She found in Phil a protective and understanding father who always put her and her brother before anything else, who suffered with her her pain and outbursts of frustration due to the depression caused by the absence of her first father. She found in Missa a cute and loving father who always showers her with love and helps her to have confidence in herself. She doesn't lack anything with them. She has closed a cycle of pain in her life and now she can heal.

She chose the look that makes her feel finally free to be herself, whatever the external reasons that led to that, she finally has a future ahead of her unbound by the past and prefers to be more like the people she considers her family now. If you can't see what all of this really meant to Tallulah and her evolution, it's because you never cared to see even 20% of her story. Well, since the middle of last year she began her journey to break away from a name and be herself, fighting to be seen for who she was.

If those people decide to continue supporting someone despite his shit, that is their right, but the server and the admin were also within their right to decide to kick him out and want to distance themselves from a person they consider unpleasant.

7-There were comments of another type, mainly from people who are really very lost with the lore, people who consider her the daughter of Quackity, even confusing her with Tilín (saying that Q didn't know if she was the daughter of W or Luzu and that she should get a DNA test), when we all know that from the beginning she was W's daughter as a single father and that the only reason Quackity could have become Tallulah's father was if to marry W, but that never happened, W didn't come back and Quackity was never able to develop that relationship with Llulah, she considered him a possible father because she knew W loved him, but Q always being kidnapped or something, they never really related much. There are people who, even with a certificate, continue to insist that Tallulah should have been given to Quackity to raise with Luzu (she had a tender interaction with Luzu and people were already asking him to adopt her, saying that she was alone and had no parents, I seriously hate them!) I shouldn't take seriously people who obviously haven't seen Philza even once and I know that many of those people are hispanic and are limited by the language barrier but if they don't have the slightest idea They shouldn't give their opinion… Tallulah is not an object to be passed from hand to hand, she chose and in order to do so she had to go through a very long and painful arc.

8- I firmly believe that it is a great win to now have a certificate that endorses who the people she considers her parents are, but I insist, it was not necessary, because that has been known for a long time and I am sure that if it was created it was to close the mouth mouth to all those people who are not capable of accepting that.

Tallulah is the daughter of Philza and Missa (and no one else), she is part of the Death Family, that is her story, it is not a whim, a whim is continuing to link her to something she is no longer a part of or wanting to make her a part of a lore that never happened or wanting to give her other parents different from the ones she grew up with (Quackity already had Tilín, Richas and now Pepito, I don't think she needs more children and Tallulah doesn't need any more shitty drama in her life).

Tallulah is a beautiful being, both with her old look and with the new and as Missa says "She deserves only the beautiful things in the world"

Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter!!! Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter!!! Tallulah is Phil and Missa's daughter!!! And I can shout it a thousand times because it's true and she always was, but now it's certified by the government and no amount of complaining or tantrums can change that fact.

Sorry for my bad english. See you!! jajaja ando re agresiva, pero es que nadie se mete con mi familia xD

[sneakyboymerlin]

Can I ask for you to talk more about what you said in the tags of this post? Morgana went evil because she was classist and not because she was hurt? Can you go more into depth on that? I feel like Morgana's arc and her motivations are really hard to decipher because of the way she was written. Like one episode it seems like she just wants Uther dead, and then the next she wants Arthur dead too and she wants the crown and she's going after Emrys and that shift always confused me a little.

I always thought the interpretation that Merlin could have helped her more was valid. Like, yes I am completely in agreement that the entire point of 2x03 is that Merlin helped her when no one else would. But he also took back that help as the season went on, and betrayed her when he poisoned her. There WAS more he could have done, I think. He could have been honest about himself, but he wasn't. He could have simply told her that he suspected that maybe she was the center of the sleeping spell in the Fires of Idirsholas, but he didn't. He could have tried convincing Gauis to help her on his own, without bringing Merlin into it, but he didn't. (Even Katie McGrath said that she blamed Merlin for what became of Morgana.)

And yes, I know why these things didn't happen. Because the dragon told him not to and Gauis told him not to. But in the end these WERE Merlin's choices. And maybe if he had chosen differently, so would have Morgana.

Like, yes I agree that Morgana's choices were her own. But I don't think she made those choices in a vacuum.

As to the bit of her being classist, I think I understand what you mean? But I'm still confused because I wouldn't exactly call Morgana from season 1-2 or even season 3 a classist person. She was good back then, shared values with Arthur about what a better world would look like.

I'm just so intrigued by what you might mean, and I'm always looking for new ways to look at this story. It's lovely that after all this time there's still more to discuss.

Lot to unpack here.

For one thing, Morgana feeling hurt didn’t encourage her to kill or allow the killing of random uninvolved people, but especially the Druids + their sympathizers who were arrested in 2x03. She ignored her kin’s plight in favor of her own comfort, even though she is granted protections that those people couldn’t dream of. She’s very much a class traitor from the start, because she tends to be thinking more about how she feels than how others do. She’s more blatant in her self-loyalty later on, but it’s always been a theme with her.

As for Merlin, 2x12 was a mutual betrayal between him and Morgana. Morgana betrays him first in this episode by endorsing the fever spell that Morgause casts on Camelot. While she’s not fully informed at first, 1) Merlin has no way of knowing that (especially since she has formed similar alliances in 1x12 and 2x11), and 2) Morgana embraces Morgause’s plan after the fact (explicitly so in 3x01/2). Merlin then poisons Morgana in order to end the fever spell on Camelot, choosing the greater good over her as an individual. To clarify point 2 here, Morgana is aware long before 3x01 that Merlin poisoned her because everyone in Camelot was slowly dying, but she makes it clear that she understands this in 3x01.

I also fail to see how Merlin revealing his own magic would have changed anything. Morgana already knows that Merlin is pro-magic (also discussed in 3x01), they simply have different methods by which they aim to achieve that goal. Both are flawed, as Merlin’s relies on tyrants like Uther changing their minds, and he places blame on the oppressed group (even if he’s a part of it) for not demonstrating that magic can be good, when it doesn’t matter how well this is demonstrated, since magic is not banned for any logical reason.

Morgana’s plan is also flawed because she prioritizes herself over anyone else, meeting Uther’s tyranny with more tyranny. This is where the classism comes in. Morgana’s sense of entitlement is rooted in her status as a noblewoman. As 2x03 demonstrates, she values her own safety above the safety of her people, and when her descent is portrayed more openly, the first changes we see are in her mistreatment of Gwen, her maidservant. In 3x01/2, she also finds the townspeople to be disposable (including the Druids & sympathizers she knows live among them) and blackmails Merlin using her status as a noble. She also tries to kill Gwen because she can’t stand the thought of a “mere servant” taking the throne. She’s good to Gwen as long as Gwen functions as her underling, but as soon as Gwen is set to outrank her, everything that makes her appear distinctly better than other nobles disappears.

But ultimately, it’s Morgana’s actions that tell us this. These actions aren’t bad because she was hurt, or because she has magic. Every bad thing she does is bad because she is classist. The harm she does comes from a place of entitlement and inflated self-importance. While she may justify these actions with the hurt she’s suffered, being hurt did not make her do those things. Classism is the reason she becomes a tyrant, and it’s the reason she mistreats the “commoner” class. Again, her dismissing random civilians, especially the Druids & sympathizers, as disposable to preserve her own comfort? Comes from a place of classism. Her getting Gwen arrested on false charges and blackmailing Merlin using her power as a noble? Acts that are motivated by classism.

But back to what Merlin could or didn’t do. Morgana knew that Merlin was pro-magic, but she would never have agreed to his methods, as we see in 3x02, because she did not have faith in Uther or Arthur changing for the better (understandably so, and she’s proven correct). Whether Merlin is just pro-magic or has magic himself does not change this outcome, because it is about methods, not identity. Even when she finds out that Merlin is a sorcerer in 5x12, this does not change her mind.

And again, as far as Merlin knew in 2x12, Morgana was very much in on the plan with Morgause. He even tests this by asking Morgana why she reacted the way she did about Morgause and catches her in a lie. If he tells Morgana that he suspects her involvement, with the information he has (that she is allied with Morgause), then what? It makes no sense to bring it up. He never tells Agravaine that he suspects the man’s involvement with Morgana, either, because he doesn’t suspect that Agravaine could somehow be innocently/unwittingly doing these things. One could argue that Morgana could have confided in Merlin about her earlier interaction with Morgause (when the curse was cast) since she trusted him so much, but alas, she did not. And that’s understandable, too. Also, if you’ll recall, Merlin did try to get Gaius to help Morgana. They had a whole argument about it. Gaius concluded that gaslighting her about her powers was helping her. Merlin had to give up and go to Kilgharrah, and then when Kilgharrah wouldn’t help, either, he searched out the location of the Druids on his own and sent Morgana to their encampment. What Katie McGrath thinks about it means very little since she is just one (1) opinion against the visible canon facts. Merlin too blames himself for what Morgana became, but that doesn’t make him right.

The fact is that Morgana is her own person and her mind isn’t going to be passively changed. She’s always been fiercely independent, opinionated, and actionable. The desire to blame everyone but Morgana for her own actions also has a lot to do with her being a rich white woman. People assign a ~delicate, passive~ demeanor onto her, even when she shows her ruthlessness (whether that is simply standing up for her beliefs or torturing people). Morgana did not just get passed around and manipulated by everyone. If anything, 2x12 seeks to establish that it is Morgana herself who can make these decisions and change the future, rather than sitting around passively watching it happen. And by choosing to join with Morgause, she changes everything. The rest of the series is a chain reaction to this one crucial moment when she makes up her mind.

[distinguished-slacker]

Owari no Seraph — An Analysis of Shinoa and Mitsuba’s Friendship

(Warning: A long post that nobody asked for and I had to make the panels tightly packed into one image each due to the Tumblr 10 images per post restriction so I am not taking responsibility for any brain aneurysms I might cause. I am serious, it’s really LONG.)

(Why? Because this cursed manga needs more girl power.)

(Note: Friendship)

We always speak about friendships like the ones between Yuu and Mika, and Guren and Shinya but we rarely talk about the one in the girls’ side, which is the the friendship between Shinoa and Mitsuba. It is the only female friendship we actually have in Owari no Seraph since we haven’t seen Chess and Horn ever since Nagoya arc, and we barely get to see how Mito, Sayuri and Shigure act with each other as friends when the topic of conversation is not Guren.

I agree that Shinoa and Mitsuba’s friendship is cute and funny. However, as I reread the manga I realised that their relationship is deeper than that, that each contributed into the development of the other to a degree but at the same there is a wall that keeps them from growing closer but of which none of them is aware of, and how their distance has been exacerbated by some faults that makes me believe their relationship is deteriorating.

So I decided to make a deep analysis with some theorising about their friendship throughout the manga where I make it sound more complex than the sexualised joke Kagami has made of it :D

The first time we had a glimpse of their friendship is of course when Mitsuba debuted in chapter 8 of the manga as the fifth and last member of Shinoa squad. She is first seen complaining to Guren about why was she placed in a squad full of rookies being most visibly infuriated by the fact that the “sarcastic airhead Hīragi Shinoa” was chosen as the squad leader instead of her. When Shinoa appears, she addresses Mitsuba as “Micchan” (or Mi-chan/Mitsu/whatever translation) and mocks her, angering Mitsuba more and driving her to manifest her weapon to fight Shinoa. This scene shows that they have known each other before Shinoa squad was established. The question was when? Shinoa described her life before the catastrophe occurred as “living under a rock” and how she “didn’t see or speak with anyone at all” in the afterword of volume 17, which can be further proved by the events of the Catastrophe at 16 light novels. Shinoa and Mitsuba were bound to meet because of their statuses as Hīragi and Sangū respectively but Shinoa was always kept in the shadows by her family so it’s quite unlikely that they have met as children before the catastrophe.

The only possibility for them to have met is for military reasons rather than for family reasons. In chapter 3, before Shinoa squad was formed, it was revealed that Shinoa is part of the vampire extermination unit but we don’t know for how long. Considering that Mitsuba used the argument of joining the vampire extermination unit at the age of thirteen to explain why would she make a better squad leader than Shinoa, it’s safe to assume that Shinoa joined later than Mitsuba. However, Shinoa received Shikama Dōji as a weapon in 2012 when she was 7 (6 if Kagami could do maths but whatever...) so I doubt the army would let a capable and armed person have a relaxing life for so many years when she could be used for fighting instead since there is a shortage of soldiers (unless Shinoa used her power as a Hīragi, which sometimes works in her favour, to avoid military duties). Moreover, I doubt that the army would place an unexperienced soldier straight into the extermination unit, which is the most dangerous unit in the Japanese Imperial Demon Army, regardless of their status, especially a child. So even if Mitsuba said she joined this unit when she was 13, there is a small chance that she has been a soldier before that but was tasked with easier jobs like being a wall guard and the same thing could be applied to Shinoa. In other words, it’s likely that these two girls have known each other for a good number of years before the timeline of Vampire Reign began.

The reason why I want to believe that Shinoa and Mitsuba met a considerable time ago before the start of the series is because of Shinoa’s attitude towards her. Shinoa has lived a life lacking family love and social interaction which caused her to become apathetic and unemotional up until the formation of Shinoa squad. But somehow there is this girl, who is the only one whom Shinoa gives a cute nickname, has a lot of interest on teasing her and feels comfortable enough to barge into her shower and be seen naked when that is a situation where a person is really vulnerable. I mean, considering Mitsuba’s personality, it’s understandable why Shinoa feels so free to act like that around her but still it’s emotionally detached Hīragi Shinoa we are talking about.

(From top to bottom, and left to right: chapters 8, 9, 19, 29 and 43)

One thing that bothers me is how Kagami made it look like as if Shinoa was completely empty before being influenced by Yuu’s ‘kindness’ when that is not true at all and Shinoa was able to show a caring side before that.

One example of this is in the same chapter where Mitsuba debuted, shown in the top-left panel. In this chapter Mitsuba is acting so bossy and arrogant here that to be honest anyone would find her annoying. However, Mitsuba’s constant shouting about battle formation is to ensure that everyone adheres to the rules to avoid any danger, especially considering the reckless attitude Yuu has displayed here about killing vampires as soon as he sees them. In reality, Mitsuba’s behaviour is a defence mechanism in order to hide her traumas regarding the death of her previous squad members and Shinoa knows this well. Shinoa knows Mitsuba is a kind person on the inside, going to the extent of even calling “adorable” how Mitsuba feels that their lives are her responsibility, and that’s why she tells Yuu to bear with Mitsuba because Shinoa doesn’t want him to hate her.

In the panel below the first one which occurs in the next chapter when the girls are in the showers, Shinoa comforts Mitsuba telling her it wasn’t necessarily her fault that the entire squad got annihilated (as some of the members were already killed before Mitsuba made any reckless move, Mitsuba was too young and it was the leader’s decision to sacrifice himself for her). Speaking about this, Shinoa is the only one in the squad who knows about Mitsuba’s past and it makes me wonder whether Mitsuba herself told Shinoa about this or Shinoa discovered it since as a Sangū, Mitsuba must be well known in the army so her failure might have been spread around and Shinoa happened to discover it. It depends on how much of friends they were before the beginning of the manga; whether they were friends before that or they were somewhat distant but strengthened their friendship when the squad was established. After all, it is hinted that they live together in the chapter where they tried to cook for the guys though Shinoa said it was her room (but it wasn’t specified if it was Mitsuba’s too) so maybe Mitsuba decided to come over for that event. In the anime there was a bunk bed in the room next to the living room which wasn’t shown in the manga but still it doesn’t hurt mentioning it.

This one is a very subtle panel. In the middle panel that happened in chapter 29 after Shinoa and Narumi squad finished their mission of killing Lucal Wesker in Nagoya arc, Yuu realises that people really do die in these missions and Mitsuba replies to him with a “Your friends die. That’s the reality of battle...I...I’ve seen this...” while recalling her previous squad’s members deaths. Shinoa quickly picks up on this and touches her elbow in comfort, as highlighted by the green circle pointed by the green arrow, and gives a speech that reminds Mitsuba that she is not alone anymore and has people who are still alive for her to protect. I really love this moment because Shinoa was so perceptive of the little changes happening within Mitsuba.

In the right panel, it might look like Shinoa is throwing the bothersome job to explain the squad’s situation to Mitsuba, which might be true considering how Shinoa is sometimes, but I like this panel because it shows that Shinoa lets Mitsuba have her part and act as her second in command since being squad leader is what Mitsuba initially wanted. Mitsuba seems to be happy to act as her second in command which shows their relationship is more chill than what their first scene together in the manga made it look like.

Like Shinoa cares for Mitsuba, Mitsuba cares for Shinoa too. In the bottom-left panel which is taken from chapter 19, Kimizuki is suspicious of Shinoa after Yoichi and him were interrogated and tortured by the Hīragis, going as far as thinking she was using Yuu and saying that this is nothing but a “sickness” where he is forced to “play comrades”. Mitsuba quickly defends her by stopping Kimizuki because she knows Shinoa is only making them hide Yuu’s transformation out of genuine care for a comrade. Curiously, this scene parallels to a scene in chapter 99 that occurs after Shinoa makes Shikama Dōji submit. Kimizuki starts shouting at Shinoa thinking that she has been using them all while laughing behind their backs the whole time. This time Mitsuba doesn’t intervene. There are three possibilities for this: one is that Mitsuba is simply being relegated to the sidelines due to constricted space in the current events of the manga, two, that Mitsuba cannot act because this whole situation confuses her which is understandable, and three, that Mitsuba and Shinoa are becoming more distant, which I will explain later in this post.

I tried to find more panels of Mitsuba visibly showing care for Shinoa in the beginning and middle of the manga but it was hard but this is not Mitsuba’s fault, neither Shinoa’s. To be brief, Shinoa is a tough nut to crack. With her personality it’s hard to get emotionally close to her. Add to that that Mitsuba has her emotional baggage too which makes her emotionally constipated, this sets a wall between the girls so I hope Kagami will do something with it later in the manga where it breaks. Yuu already achieved it, so why not Mitsuba who is supposedly Shinoa’s only female friend and even best friend?

(Left: chapter 26 and Right: chapter 45)

When Guren knocked Mitsuba out during the squad mock battle and when Mitsuba was attacked by Crowley, Shinoa always jumped to protect her regardless of the risk. Have a look at Shinoa’s pained face when Mitsuba told them to leave her behind or Shinoa’s determined face when she told Makoto to follow Kimizuki and Yoīchi in order to rescue Mitsuba. That raw emotion. Seriously, is it me or ironically in the beginning of the manga Shinoa showed far more emotion despite being claimed to be initially cold?

(Top left: chapter 19, bottom left: chapter 26 and right: chapter 24)

Does someone else miss when these two girls used to team up to annoy the boys? These scenes might seem for pure comedic purposes but they are actually deeper than what they look like. When Mitsuba debuted, she was not only strict with others but with herself too. Due to her past failure and family expectations, she was forcing herself to grow up quicker, to be the perfect soldier and follow the rules even if that put herself under pressure. However, as she got more involved with the squad she became more free and Shinoa’s personality started started to rub off on her. There are two scenes where Shinoa starts with her pranks and Mitsuba follows with them. It’s vastly thanks to Shinoa that Mitsuba started to act like the teenager she is and that’s really wholesome. I mean, just look at how happy Mitsu is at the bottom left panel or her smirk, something unusual for her, in the bottom right panel when they abandon Kimizuki on the side of the highway (lmao poor Kimizuki). This duo have a great dynamic!

Interestingly, as the series progresses, you can see how both Mitsuba and Shinoa’s characters start acquiring qualities from the other. The always so stiff and temperamental Mitsuba becomes more laid-back and honest while Shinoa goes through the process of discovering more emotions within herself and expressing actual interest on other things. But the problem is that while Mitsuba’s change was influenced by the squad, Shinoa’s was primarily by influenced by Yuu.

(Top left: chapter 8, bottom left and middle right: chapter 48, top right: chapter 17 and bottom right: chapter 43)

It is known that Shinoa loves to tease Mitsuba. In fact, her favourite person to tease is Mitsu because in the fanbook Shinoa said that someone who gets bullied easily is “1. Micchan 2.Micchan 3.Micchan” and even Mitsuba said that she hears Shinoa talk about her a lot.

The first thing Shinoa does when they reunite in chapter 8 is tease her. In chapter 48 when they are talking in the girls’ toilet you can see Shinoa looking at Mitsuba with soft and sweet expressions. Shinoa is really comfortable around her and Mitsuba’s personality allows Shinoa to be herself. Shinoa even said “I really like you when you always react to me like this.” with a gentle laugh which is something rare for her to say.

However, there are times where I personally feel that Shinoa should set some limits to herself regarding how much she teases Mitsuba and with what topics she uses to tease her like when she joked about Mitsuba not being a virgin in chapter 43 because the combined blood of the squad that Mika drank was gross. Although I find hilarious how Mitsuba reacted with a “I am SO going to kill you someday!!” but limits are limits, especially if it’s in front of everyone.

Another panel that was used for comedic purposes that I find somewhat off is the one in chapter 17 showed at the top right corner. Before this panel, Mitsuba says with a serious face that she hopes “things go okay for Yuu” in the interview with the Hīragi family and Shinoa starts teasing Mitsuba saying that she is in love with Yuu. Shinoa teases her but her gaze is at the building not at Mitsuba, her focus is on Yuu, and so it feels as if she teased Mitsuba to cover something else. And what is that something else? Easy. This scene happens not longer after Shinoa confronts Guren in his office about him drugging Yuu where Guren asks Shinoa if she fell in love with him. Ever since this moment Shinoa started to doubt about her feelings and I feel that she teased Mitsuba about her being in love with Yuu to cover her own feelings and that is not a nice thing to do to a friend.

Shinoa annoyed her many times throughout, Mitsuba never really got seriously angry at her aside from an occasional initial outburst. Mitsuba shows great patience with Shinoa, unless there is something we don’t know since we have never gotten an inner monologue of Mitsuba but I will talk about this later.

(Chapter 17)

In the same chapter but some panels before, Shinoa makes fun of Mitsuba addressing her incompetence paralleling to how she made fun of her when they met in chapter 8. Mitsuba just got out of an interview with the Hīragis where she has been promoted, and Shinoa mocks her about how easily she can climb up the ranks just because she is a Sangū and not because of her abilities. On one hand, considering Mitsuba’s severe low self-esteem Shinoa shouldn’t be joking with this a lot but on the other hand, it’s because Shinoa is like this that Mitsuba is comfortable with her. Mitsuba doesn’t like it when everyone talks bad behind her back while praising her on the front, so Shinoa, who is the only one who is honest with her, makes Mitsuba feel at ease (let’s not count Yuu here because that guy is clueless about the weight that the hierarchy holds within the JIDA).

In the middle panel we can see how Shinoa talks about herself to Mitsuba and the same thing can be said with the toilet scene in chapter 48. Mitsuba is the only one out of the squad who knows about Shinoa’s life within the Hīragi family and some story with her older sister Mahiru (I know this is because those higher ranking family members have access to that information but nevertheless this gives Mitsuba an advantage when it comes to bonding with Shinoa). However, Shinoa is here just stating facts but doesn’t open emotionally to Mitsuba so that wall between them persists. Considering that they might have been friends for years, it’s mostly Shinoa’s closed heart the main reason that made their friendship stagnant. But of course, this is not Shinoa’s fault since she is a product of her terrible childhood.

When you look deeper into it, they don’t have the emotional bond and trust they should have with each other.

In the right panel, that’s where the real problem in their friendship starts. Please zoom and have a look at the section surrounded by the vertical amber rectangle. Have a look at Mitsuba’s expression. She is angry and not for comedic purposes. Shinoa has just asked Mitsuba how much information about Yuu she “bribed” the Hīragis with in exchange for her promotion. It doesn’t even look like Shinoa is joking here. She actually thought that Mitsuba, her closest friend, would fall so low as to sell a comrade for a promotion that she didn’t even want in the first place. Look at the region surrounded by the horizontal amber rectangle and you can see that despite Mitsuba already told Shinoa she did not say a thing, Shinoa keeps asking her if she said anything about Yuu going berserk in the battlefield as if she doesn’t fully trust Mitsuba. To be honest, Shinoa crossed the line here and I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t read the beginning of the manga since in the anime they made it different.

This is the beginning of the popular scenario where a friendship is tested when a guy comes in between.

(From top to bottom: chapters 57, 70 and 75)

In chapter 57, Guren reveals to everyone a shocking fact; Shinoa was born with a demon inside her because of a crazy experiment. Mitsuba is the one who looks the most visibly shocked and when she asks Shinoa what does he mean by that Shinoa instead looks away to where Yuu is even though he didn’t ask her anything unlike Mitsuba. To me, this where Mitsuba and Shinoa’s friendship officially entered the amber region.

Then, in chapter 70, Aoi starts choking Mitsuba, asking her why she is not dead and branding her as traitor. Shinoa didn’t try to stop it but it’s understandable since going against Aoi could be punished, especially because they are in JIDA territory, and that Yuu was already doing the job of defending Mitsuba. What I found curious about this is that the whole time Aoi was talking bad about Mitsuba being a traitor we get scenes with Yuu, and even a glimpse of Kimizuki and Yoichi as highlighted by the blue square but not of Shinoa. Shinoa is only shown just after Yuu says “I’m Mitsuba’s family” as if this choice in the structuring of these panels is implying that Yuu saying something nice to another girl gets more reaction from Shinoa than when said girl, who is a friend of Shinoa too, is in a problem. What hurts me the most is that even if there was no need for Shinoa to intervene, we don’t get any shocked or sad expression of her while Aoi puts her hands on Mitsuba’s neck or starts insulting her.

Shinoa’s priorities changed and this is further seen when she is turning into a vampire in chapter 75 and everyone is around the wheeled stretcher where Shinoa is lying on but she looks only at Yuu. I could say that maybe she looked at Yuu instead of anyone else because he was closer to Shinoa’s face but then when Shinoa is taken to the doctors and scientists the last thing she thinks of is “Yuuichi...ro” and only Yuuichiro.

(Chapter 86)

I guess we are going into the orange area now...While Shinoa changes, Mitsuba stays relatively the same. The panel where Mitsuba runs to Shinoa and hugs her in tears is the greatest proof of how much Mitsuba cares for Shinoa, which is impacting for the readers since we haven’t got much of their friendship for a long time up until that point. Now, if we compare Shinoa’s facial expressions in this chapter with the ones I have previously shown in chapters like 45 (when Crowley attacked Mitsuba) and 48 (when they talked in the toilet), you can see the difference. Before, Shinoa’s face was full of genuine happiness, care and worry but now she is poker faced. She completely disregards Mitsuba’s concern for her and crying. She doesn’t show a shocked face, doesn’t hug Mitsuba back or doesn’t even tell her “Sorry for making you worry, Micchan” or something like that. She turns the situation into a boob joke and Mitsuba simply replies back. Then, we get an emotional panel again of Mitsuba asking Shinoa if she is really herself again (and if you zoom to where the green arrow as pointing at you can see Mitsuba’s red eyes from crying a lot) but then Shinoa continues with the boob joke like nothing. Sure, I understand that Shinoa has fallen in love and her priorities are somewhere else, but could she at least show more concern for Mitsuba?

Now some people might tell me that I am making a huge deal out of it, that’s it normal Shinoa is not comforting her or acting accordingly to the situation because Shinoa is emotionally stagnant and dense but this is actually not true at all. Please have a look at this image below:

(Chapters 85 and 90)

The first and only person Shinoa thinks about after being freed from her possession in chapter 85 is “Yuuichiro” (or Yuu-san if the translators did it properly). She doesn’t think about the rest of her squad even though she is supposed to be the squad leader.

Then here is where we can make the comparison. In chapter 86, Mitsuba was crying because she was scared since Shinoa was ‘dying’ by turning into a vampire, Yuu got kidnapped, and Kimizuki, Yoichi and Makoto left her without telling her a thing when the war broke out. Mitsuba informs her of this. Four chapters later, in chapter 90, which probably happened like half an hour or an hour in the OnS universe after Mitsuba cried, when Yoichi says Yuu was crying Shinoa gets worked up saying “I have to rescue him”. Shinoa hasn’t even seen with her own eyes that Yuu was crying yet she is prepared to go and help him when she didn’t do it for the girl who was crying right in front of her just some minutes ago. This shows clear favouritism towards Yuu. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having the person you like as your first priority. It’s almost the natural thing to occur, especially considering that this is the first time Shinoa feels like this. However, it’s because of things like this that the possibility of Shinoa eventually losing the closest friend she has exists.

(Also if someone wants to object to that part saying that Shinoa didn’t comfort Yuu in the end I will just say that it’s not weird considering Yuu was acting all happy go lucky and on the outside he didn’t look like needed comfort even if he really did.)

Also, many people noticed the use of “I” instead of “We” in “I have to rescue him” and “Yuuichiro... Hang in there. I’m on my way.” even though she is with the whole squad and I especially find it more surprising considering that when she said this last phrase, Mitsuba was next to her (or behind her from our perspective) showing that Shinoa doesn’t think of Mitsuba as much as she used to in the past. This mirrors what Mahiru told Shinoa in chapter 56, even though Shinoa couldn’t hear her, about how “sexual desire and lust” (I am going to put “crush” here instead because this might be too far someone like Shinoa) “corrupts you” “to the point where you don’t care about the world and its future anymore” and this already started with Shinoa’s care for the squad decreasing at the expense of her care for Yuu increasing.

Additionally, if you are a fan of this manga art style you might have took an interest on its illustrations and might have noticed that ever since Osaka arc there have not been many illustrations of them together anymore. At most it’s just Shinoa alone. Whether it implies their distance or Yamamoto simply does not have the time of making complex illustrations again, I don’t know.

(Chapters 54 and 96, and volume 17 afterword ending on chapter 69)

Boob jokes. The worst part. Boob jokes. The first time I guess it was okay but it just keeps repeating and it’s not only in the manga. I even looked at the anime fanbook, and watched the CD Dramas and some clips of the game Owari no Seraph: Unmei no Hajimari (which all take place at the time before the squad defected the army) and I realised that there are more times where Shinoa makes a comment about Mitsuba’s chest. Some people say that this significant number of times Shinoa starts a boob conversation may indicate that rather than being jealous, she is obsessed and actually attracted to Mitsuba. But ships aside (I want to keep this post as ship-free as possible), it’s not nice that every time these two have an interaction, which is rare lately and so special because of its rarity, the topic is boobs. It’s not even funny and it degrades their relationship. Why Kagami cannot treat their relationship like the boys’s and give them scenes where they talk about their emotions rather than body parts? After all, the friendship between Shinoa and Mitsuba is not that different to Yuu and Mika’s or Guren and Shinya’s for reasons like sharing a past together. The major difference I can only find between them is their biological sexes and this is not an excuse for this bias.

But since I am the type of person who likes to looks deeper into every joke I am going to do it for these ones. The only thing that I find refreshing about these jokes is that at the beginning every time Shinoa made a comment about Mitsuba’s body, Mitsu was always embarrassed, exhausted and denying any claims. But because Shinoa started this topic of conversation so many times Mitsuba has gathered the experience and skill points to retort her insults😂 Shinoa has awakened Bad Girl Mitsu, and Dethroned Sass Queen is now on the losing end loool just joking.

It might seem that everything that I mentioned in this post until now it’s a lot for Shinoa and Mitsuba but remember that for them, ever since they arrived to the JIDA and all this mess started around chapter 70 they have been in the same day in the OnS universe (even if for us it has been years) and only two days passed at most ever since Shikama Dōji started influencing Shinoa’s views on Yuu in chapter 66 (although Shikama Dōji probably talked to her about him offscreen a lot of times before this chapter). It has been only one bad day, it’s okay, there is no need to panic, Mitsuba and Shinoa are still super best friends and will be...or that is what I would like to say because one, if in just one day Shinoa’s feelings became this crazy imagine how she would be after a longer time if no one stops her? And two, Mitsuba is starting to notice Shinoa’s feelings for Yuu:

(From left to right: chapters 10, 19 and 99)

As I mentioned in a previous post, the number of times Mitsuba is realising that Shinoa feels something for Yuu from afar in the manga is around 3 or 4 (I am not including the fourth since I am not really sure about it), with the most recent being the most eye catching. Now, you might tell me that Mitsuba is just jealous which I would agree since the first panel gives that impression by going with the typical cliché where the second girl is jealous of the first girl. But then if you look at the whole three panels there is nothing that exactly shows a jealous expression on Mitsuba’s face but rather she is just concerned or surprised. It’s hard to decipher her emotions here but if you look closely at the middle and right panel you might notice something in common: Shinoa is placing her hand on top of Yuu’s. So it’s more likely that Mitsuba is looking at this specifically rather than at the whole picture of Yuu and Shinoa together considering that these latter two have gotten scenes together many times but Mitsuba never looked at them and acted normal. Kagami is the type of subverting our expectations like when Yuu was supposed to be the main protagonist but sometimes he seems to be a cover and the real protagonist of the story is Guren (this is just my impression). For this case, Shinoa has been called a “dispassionate observer” by Shikama Dōji in chapter 72 but sometimes I feel that the observer is Mitsuba.

This could explain why we have never gotten a glimpse of Mitsuba’s heart and demon even though she is a main female deuteragonist and the only one unaddressed in Shinoa squad. It might seem that she is patient and a stagnant character, but all these subtle moments might be building up to a potential Mitsuba mini arc that will be about her relationship with Shinoa? After all, what Mitsuba cares about the most is her squad, so bonds is a likely theme. Moreover, in the fanbook Mitsuba’s favourite person was stated to be Shinoa (while for everyone else it was ‘Yuu’). It’s possible that she will confront Shinoa about this because Shinoa never tells her anything about herself so Mitsuba has to do all the guessing and Shinoa has grown distant from her. No way Mitsuba is fine with that. Looking at this, it’s normal we haven’t gotten much of them because looking at the current events of the manga, now is not the time to sit down (it’s not like they either have the time) and do something that might sever bonds anymore. This is why I came to the conclusion that if it’s not just bad writing, then Kagami deteriorating their friendship is something intentional.

Now, how will Shinoa and Mitsuba’s friendship proceed from here will rely mainly on two factors. One is whether what Shinoa feels for Yuu is genuine or a result of Shikama Dōji and Mahiru brainwashing her, and two, whether Mitsuba feels something for Yuu too or not. For one, I am not going to jump to conclusions regarding Shinoa’s feelings for Yuu and I will just say that regardless of whichever route Kagami chooses, Shinoa still has to cherish her friendship with Mitsuba. For two, it’s ambiguous as I can say as many arguments for Mitsuba having a crush on Yuu as arguments against. So let’s wait and see. However, I want to say that making Mitsuba crush on Yuu would be unwise considering that it’s already hard enough with Mika and Shinoa, so adding Mitsuba would mean pointlessly adding more fuel to the fire, especially considering Yuu’s personality and that he might not end up with anyone by the end of the series.

However, if somehow Kagami decides to take the route where one, Shinoa’s love for Yuu moves forwards and two, it happens at the expense of her friendship with Mitsuba and others, I will start calling Kagami a hypocrite. This is because we are talking about the guy who said that the focus of OnS is not romance, but family and bonds. Therefore, I would be disgusted at his bias of exploring only the theme of family and bonds within male friendships at the expense of destroying female friendships just for romance.

I theorise that this confrontation (not a cat fight) will happen around when Shinoa will entirely lose the strength to keep restraining Sika and become possessed again (unless Yuu is here to save the day of course). For this to happen we will need a scene with Mitsuba talking with Tenjiryū in which we can finally see how she feels in order to set everything up before this moment, and another scene that will be a flashback of Shinoa and Mitsuba meeting for the first time when younger so we can actually understand the magnitude of their friendship.

And how this confrontation will happen? To be honest I don’t think that there is any person capable of putting up a fight against a Shikama Dōji possessed Shinoa (unless the main character’s plot armor is used here again) so Mitsuba confronting Shinoa will be at an emotional level where Mitsuba might voice her preoccupations and will tell Shinoa to trust her more instead of keeping things to herself because they are friends. This will be a perfect opportunity for the wall that Shinoa put between them to break and for Mitsuba to be finally given the chance of paying back everything that Shinoa did for her.

The reason why Shinoa needs to be stopped is easy. If she keeps going like this, at this rate she will take the same path as Mahiru where she moves everyone out of the way in order to obsess over one thing, being alone with no one to give advice to her or stop her when she will be making dangerous decisions. All this emotional outburst Shinoa has shown recently is not healthy because she is being rushed instead of being allowed to do things at her pace. She needs to calm down, and realise that where she should be emotionally expressive is with her friends as a whole group.

If you managed to read the whole post, I am sorry aghjskwkashs but it’s just that I wanted people to give attention to this underrated friendship😭💔 It’s so underrated so that’s why I wrote such a long post because I wanted to include every single detail (I hope I didn’t miss anything🤔) and searched for as many images as I can for evidence (sorry for making it so compact that the images might look blurry due to Tumblr restrictions🤧).

P.S. When I will be a granny (considering the fuckin slow pace of this damn manga) I wish to go back to this post and assess whether I was an amazing analyst or an idiot for trusting Kagami😂

[moonchildridden]

PuthKaeng, the green&red couple: Daddy&Papi, mysterious man and lots of dots, everywhere

Hello, beautiful people! It’s moonchild here and I hope none of you are tire of having to read the things I write because here I am, again, to talk about the only thing that gives me strength and energy to leave my bed in the morning, and the only couple that matters: PuthKaeng.

 Being honest, I had hopes that those two long ass analysis would be the last thing I would do related to them and would final begin to think about writing a fanfiction about them (yes, your resident analyst is a writer) but then, because they can’t seem to leave me alone and let me breath for five minutes, a special episode came out and my brain went back to work in overdrive and started analyzing everything. I hate my brain sometimes.

Anyways. I would like to say that this won’t (hopefully) be a long analysis just like the others, only a commentary of the episode in general, me connecting the revelations we had about the “mysterious man” and what were presented to us in the main arc of their story and me rambling in between, just because I can. Granted, the main focus of this post is to talk about the main focus of the special, which was to know who the mysterious man was, but that doesn’t stop us from talking about other things in the episode as well.

When it was announced that we would have something about PuthKaeng again, it was in the guise of being an extra scene and I rushed to finish my main analysis because I was afraid that whatever was in said extra scene would throw a lot of monkey wrenches on my theories that I was writing but unfortunately that didn’t happened, because the universe hates me sometimes. However, the universe also loves me because what we all thought would be a simple extra scene became a fucking 10 MINUTE SPECIAL EPISODE! Not only that, it gave me everything I wanted to see with them, and an opportunity to see them again in new things (P’Chewin, I know you have a series of them ready, give it to me).

 The special episode was just beautiful and amazing, cute, pillow-biting, intense, sensual and perfect, all in once. Their chemistry was point, their acting skills were on point, the deliverance of feelings and usage of body language was on point, a solid 10/10 in my book. I would give those 10 minutes an award if I could, but because I can’t, I’m gonna talk about it the best I can.

 A small disclaimer before I start: because the episode didn’t came with official subtitles (Ais Play/Copy A hates us, for sure), I had to search on YouTube for translations and found two, one of the entire episode and other of the first two and a half minutes. I’ll go back and forth between those two translations, especially when talking about the first minutes, because the translations are a bit different and convey different things, even if the context is the same. Just so you guys don’t find it weird having screenshots with different fonts.

 1. I’m addicted, I’m addicted only…

The episode opens with PuthKaeng in the same room, Kaeng busy doing something on his working table (probably something school related) and Puth playing videogames.

The fact that they seem so comfortable being in the same space, each one doing something on their own, shows that they’ve established some sort of routine and just by being in the same geographic space is enough for them. Puth then receives a phone call and Kaeng at first didn’t seem to pay attention but turned around as soon as he heard the person on the other side of the call ask Puth “where he was?”, to what Puth answered that he was in “his boyfriend’s room” while looking at Kaeng. The caller asks Puth to “hang out/meet up”, making Kaeng arch an eyebrow, and Puth, while still looking at Kaeng, says that “he’s not going, because he wants to be with his boyfriend” and after that ends the call.

 The fact that he didn’t said Kaeng’s name and simply said “my boyfriend’s room” and “stay with my boyfriend” and the other person didn’t asked who said boyfriend was or made a big thing out of that, considering Puth’s past reputation, means that the person that called him knows exactly who that boyfriend was and that PuthKaeng’s relationship is not a secret to anyone. Also, the way the word “boyfriend” rolled out of Puth’s tongue, so easily, it shows that he’s proud to have someone to call boyfriend and have the opportunity to spend time with his boyfriend. Just…the happiness energy he pours in those 30 seconds-ish of call is overwhelming.

After Puth puts down his phone and looks back at Kaeng, who is looking at Puth with a weird expression on his face, he get up his chair and goes to him, asking “what’s wrong, papi?” (I shit you not, when I heard that on the episode I blushed and almost screamed because it was so cute it gave diabetes) and Kaeng asked “why you (daddy) didn’t go?” (Puth calling Kaeng “papi” was one thing I was not ready to go through but Kaeng calling Puth “daddy” and find out those are the pet names they use with each other was the death of me. God, please receive my soul in heaven), receiving a “how can I go, I wanna stay here with you” as answer from Puth.

Kaeng says to Puth that his explanation is a “lie” and that “Puth wants to go, he can see it/he knows Puth very well” and Puth admits that, with a “sometimes, because he used to hang out a lot” but Kaeng says a soft, and jokingly, “I’m sulking now”, and after Puth asks Kaeng if he “isn’t bored of staying in the room?” because he “used to hang out a lot too”, Kaeng makes the CUTEST FACE EVER (pause to see how Kaeng’s eyes GLOW when he’s looking at Puth. Seriously, how much love can that guy keep in his eyes, for them to shine like that?) and says that “he’s not used like Puth but he’s never bored of Puth” and then they kiss.

This exchange makes me think that they are in the first weeks of dating and still trying to get used to the idea of being a couple (not that the way they were acting with each other before had any difference except the fact that they were not official but whatever), finding a common ground and a safe/comfort zone where they could stand and feel stable. New relationships are always that, new, and it takes time to get fully accustomed with them, let alone feel stable; it helps the fact that they are friends and knew basic things about each other, so now what they need to do is try to know about each other not as friends but as significant others. That’s why they like to spend time with each other and enjoy all the time they have together, to get to know what the other is like, as a boyfriend.

 (Before I continue, please appreciate Kaeng being totally baby. Thank you)

After the kiss, Puth ask Kaeng if they “should find something to do?”, Kaeng, having understood something else with his question (I don’t blame him, the way Puth was touching his arm, I would’ve thought the same too) asks “here?” and after Puth said “yes”, Kaeng hits him lightly on the chest and complains that “he’s still sore” (not that I needed it that but PuthKaeng versatile confirmed in only one sentence). Puth then says that Kaeng “is thinking too much” and that he meant “go and find something fun to do”. Kaeng seems uncertain about that but, as we see next, he obliged.

And the date…guys, the date! Do you guys remember that Puth that didn’t wanted to anyone to know that he and Kaeng were sleeping together? That Puth that denied vehemently that he was dating Kaeng (at the time, he was right), made shitty excuses to Mon so he couldn’t pry for more details about what Kaeng had done to him in the night he went to their room? That Puth that didn’t even wanted to be see publically with Kaeng? Well, that Puth is now walking on the streets, holding his boyfriend’s hands and oozing happiness. Seriously, the way he smiles every time he looks at Kaeng, his body language showing that he’s totally relaxed with Kaeng on his side, the way they are having fun together, even with a simple thing as an ice cream cone that they can’t hold, is so fullfiling to watch because it shows that they are happy together. And Kaeng’s eye smile…he looks so cute and happy at the same time, it hurts seeing him so happy. They are soft with each other, feel happy with each other, feel good having each other as someone to spend time with, it just screams domesticity. They are that couple, people.

And look how Puth just throw his head back while laughing. I remember seeing somewhere, years ago, that when someone laughs that way while they are with you, it means they are really having fun. And remembering that made this scene 100x better.

  2. My entire heart, all of it that I have inside is for you

 Fast forward, we have PuthKaeng in a hotel room and the first thing I noticed is that they were holding hands (remember what I said about them always holding in intimate moments, back when they were only friends and how I always liked to think that it was something theirs, that they only did that with each other and how it sounded too…hum…how do I put this…not something that people that were not dating, especially players, would do? Yeah) and looking at each other (always the eye contact, people. This bitches been acting like a couple since the beginning), acting like the world were theirs and theirs alone.

Kaeng looked at Puth from head to toe while Puth takes off the robe Kaeng was wearing and then Kaeng took off Puth’s robe but did that while he was doing that he started to kneel down and was ready to give Puth a blowjob but Puth stopped him before Kaeng could even do something about it. The way Kaeng didn’t disconnected his hands from Puth’s body shows that he enjoys feeling physically connected with the other man, in every opportunity he could get (I think that his behavior on episode 9 made that pretty clear but is never wrong to bring that fact back); Puth then asked why Kaeng was rushing things and Kaeng said that he was just warming up, before sharing a nose kiss and Kaeng kiss Puth’s nose (bringing back all the kisses from the main arc back and my thoughts about them being confirmed. Coming full circle here, people. Coming full circle!).

 Kaeng’s statement about “being happy today” was something that even if he hadn’t told Puth, I’m pretty sure Puth could see that written all over his face, because the man was glowing with happiness like a Christmas tree in the middle of a shopping mall. After the Puth’s teasing about Kaeng being happy because he could “eat”, Kaeng asking if he could “eat tonight”, Puth saying that “tonight, he could only taste a little” and Kaeng pretending to “bite” Puth (they are talking about sex, people, nothing extraordinary here), Puth says that he would be back in a minute and then leaves the small bathroom (?) they were and this is where things start to get interesting.

 [A bit of a backstory about this: when the announcement of the “extra scene” came and people were excited to know who the “mysterious man” was, I became confused because I had no idea of what people were talking about. Even after someone commented about the mysterious man being about the man who sent that message to Kaeng on episode 9, I was still confused because for me a friend of his had sent the message but brushed aside, for the perspective of having an extra scene of PuthKaeng was above any confusion.]

 Puth grabs his phone, goes to site on the border of the bathtub and is then revealed that he is the mysterious man! Mind you, we all had that revelation in an episode without subtitles, but the fact that he was sending messages to a guy that was in the same room as he was and there was no names displayed on top of the messages to identify the people in the conversation was enough for us to understand what was happening. Remember when I said that they were still getting used to the idea of being a couple and that new relationships take time to become stable? Well, Puth may be super-duper happy and see that Kaeng is happy with him but is normal to have doubts if the person next to you is actually happy or pretending just to make you happy, so Puth had to have that extra confirmation, so he used something that seemingly would make Kaeng be 100% honest (notice that Puth only does that after Kaeng said that he was happy).

 It had been a total twist receiving that information but then we had to have a double twist when after Kaeng said “I think we should stop talking” and the “mysterious man” asked “why?”, Kaeng comes out of the bathroom, walks rather sensually towards Puth and after sitting next to him answers the question with a “because I have a boyfriend now” and then shows his tongue to Puth. Puth, understandable surprised with that turn of events, asks Kaeng if he had “always know that it was him?”, receives a nod from Kaeng, so asks “how Kaeng found out? Had he peeked on his phone?” and then Kaeng delivers a triple twist by saying that “there’s only one person he knows who likes to text dot at the end of sentences in Thai”.

 At that moment I was like “there’s no way that’s how Kaeng found out about Puth being the mysterious man”, so I went back to episodes 9 and 10, look for any moments where Puth sent any messages to confirm that he had that habit and there they were, clear as water, in EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE. I’m not saying that lightly, since the FIRST message that Puth sent in episode 9, which a reply to Nong Jumbo’s message about missing him, until the LAST message he sent, which was to Kaeng to tell him that he wanted to talk to him later, ALL had dots in the end.

That made my jaw drop because it is such a small detail, something we had in front of us the entire time, but never actually stopped to pay attention and it was that fucking small detail that made Kaeng caught him as soon as he sent a message, pretending to be someone else.

 And the fact that Kaeng knew since the beginning that it was Puth brings forward two situations:

It is established that we started their main arc with Kaeng already liking Puth. And I said in the final part of my theory, in the timeline of events, that both of them had cut off contact with any potential sexual partners, so Kaeng only continued talking to the mysterious man because he knew it was Puth. If it weren’t for the inability of Puth for using fakes (seriously, that’s hilarious to be honest, being discovered because you like to use dots in the end of sentences. It’s like people knowing it’s me just because I never use abbreviations when I write messages. True story), Kaeng would’ve blocked him as soon the first message got in his Line account. Knowing that, no wonder he smiled after reading the message;

Puth sent the message, put down his phone and got back to the room whistling “Dear Friend”, a song that talks about someone having feelings for their friend, a situation they didn’t intended to happen. So, now we have a guy that receives a message from the other guy he likes, using a fake account, seeing said guy he likes, whom he just had two rounds, or possible more, of sex, getting back to the room whistling a song about a friend liking another friend. And considering that, in that scene, it was the first time we were introduced to that song in their story, it gives another meaning to everything, doesn’t?

Now, we need to understand why Puth resorted to such “extreme” measures to talk to Kaeng, if they were already talking normally and it’s not like any other person had access to his phone. If I hadn’t un-hold it the theory of Puth also liking Kaeng from the beginning, that specific scene of the revelation of him being the mysterious man would’ve make me do that on the spot. Taking in consideration that at the time of the unfolding of the events from episode 9 Puth thought that Kaeng was still sleeping around (even if he was suspecting of Kaeng having feelings for him), his own feelings had to be well hidden. However, feelings are sneaky little bitches that the longer you try to suppress them, stronger and hard to hide they become and Puth is an affectionate person with those he likes, so he needed to find a way of getting close to Kaeng without actually getting close to him and what better way of doing that than with a fake profile? That way Puth could’ve be a friend to Kaeng, probably even drop some hints about liking him and see how Kaeng would react to them, establish a connection with him and at the same time avoiding the possibility of getting his feelings rejected in real life, after all if Kaeng was still talking to other potential partners it wasn’t a good omen to him; like I said before, feelings made Puth really dirty.

 So, the cat is out of the bag. Puth knows that Kaeng knows that he’s the mysterious man sending him messages and don’t know how to feel about that, so he says that “now Kaeng knows it all, how much he loves him” (adding credibility to my idea of Puth having using the fake account to show that he liked Kaeng) and Kaeng tells Puth that he “doesn’t need to be embarrassed, because it’s cute”, that “he likes it” and then to Puth to “try to speak like in the text” aka being romantic. After this, we had the single most emotionally devastating moment of the entire episode and the perfect way of ending a special episode: Puth looked at Kaeng like the man in front of him was the most precious treasure he had encounter in his life and it is possible to see how he also has Kaeng in his eyes, just like Kaeng have him in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, open and closes his mouth once before saying “Kaeng, I love you”, his eyes shining with love just like Kaeng’s eyes were shining with love in the beginning of the episode, and Kaeng reply with a “I love you too” before they kiss and the episode ends.

 I highlighted Kaeng’s name in the love declaration because in this episode, this name had a special weight. Throughout the entirety of the episode, PuthKaeng always used “daddy” and “papi” to refer to themselves, a fact that made me feel more single than I already feel in a daily basis, but when the subject was to tell Kaeng how he feel about him, Puth preferred to use his name, in an almost reverent tone, and tell Kaeng that he loved him. And the way Kaeng’s eyes also shined after listening those words and the soft tone he used to answer Puth…honestly, I can’t deal with them anymore, I’m done.

 PuthKaeng has a story more complex than we could’ve ever predict. They are men with complex personalities, insecurities even with their appearances of people secure of what they want, don’t know how to express their feelings but when they do, you know is not something superficial, is the reality. It took them a long time to be together, they almost lost the opportunity to experience the love they have for each other, cried, made mistakes and misunderstood a lot of things. But now that they are together, I am sure that they will make everything in their power to make it work, will solve their problems the best way they can, will continue to support each other, be their best partners, their safe zones and each other’s hearts. After all, the love the have is forever; and even beyond that.

[mazojo]

Yeah I agree wholeheartedly! Hanako has done bad things, he’s a murderer for one and two, he legitimately locked nene up and decided to fight her and her friends to keep her in the fake world. Like I’m not hating on any character but sometimes it’s better to realize that Hanako and Tsukasa are children and that putting these huge expectations on Tsukasa because Hanako is “more mature” is so stupid. Tsukasa may be smart and calculating but every child genius is still, at their core, a literal kid. Sakura herself says that Tsukasa is a pure child whose kind in his own ways during the volume 16 relay interview (translated by DBS scans on tumblr) and people dismiss this because of Mitsuba like..

Yes, I understand disliking someone because they did something to your comfort character but taking it so far that any shipper is terrified of showing their ships because the fandom will give death threats? That’s not okay. Tsukasa is allowed to have relationships, especially when we realize that at the end of day, he’s a child. Children can be abusive, yes, but Iro has shown time and time again that Tsukasa is simply childish, stupid and childish and doing things for his benefit without thinking too much ahead. This fandom goes so hard on “Tsukasa has horrible relationships with everyone so any relationship he has is toxic” that it’s genuinely terrifying to talk to anyone in the fandom because as someone who was harassed constantly for simply shipping Tsukasa with Kou or Mitsuba, I have a huge distrust of this fandom

-Amane / Hanako has never hated tsukasa, he’s guilty about the murder

-Mitsuba has never stated he was scared of tsukasa, he says Tsukasa is scary, there’s a difference

-Tsukasa having no empathy does not make him a cruel monster. Autistic children have no empathy so by their logic, anyone whose autistic is also a monster? :/

-Kou attacked Tsukasa first, since then, Tsukasa has quite literally never landed a hand on kou of his own accord. It was always Kou rushing forward

-No one is saying him almost hurting nene is okay but considering Hanako locks her up and tries to decide every decision for her, I’m skeptical on this fandom’s view of “toxic” because Hanako’s actions are unhealthy but they aren’t calling them out

-At the end of the day, shipping Tsukasa shouldn’t be so bad that people are getting harassed over it because Tsukasa, even as a ghost has his core traits

•affection (his love for his brother)

•protectiveness (his hatred about no.3 picking on people)

•selfless actions (when has he ever done anything for himself that wasn’t rumor related? 🤔 plus, he does things for Mitsuba with no payment in return during hell of mirrors and after it)

•compassion (he has compassion and sympathy, literally look at anytime during the red arc where he stayed compassionate even with a demon hole inside of him; hell, if we look at ghost him, he shows his compassion for his friends in the broadcasting club in his own weird way)

•kindness (^ same as above)

•childishness (he’s literally a dumb 13 year old whose always excited and never thinks ahead of his actions)

Like, these are all traits Hanako has to but because Hanako is “helping”, Tsukasa’s traits get erased and all the fandom sees him as is this evil monster character when he’s literally… just a kid who was murdered because he tried to help his brother.

This fandom really needs to stop excluding Tsukasa from the fan base and also, sorry for this huge rant, I love the yugi Twins but it’s so sad when only one is seen as a “entirely good person” and the other is seen as a devilish monster who has no good in them

I am sorry for the late response!! I have been in exam season and I wanted to respond good when I did because I love your analysis!!

Exactly!! I feel like Hanako is often put in a pedestal when I think one of the things that is very emphasized in tbhk is that no character is 100% good nor bad, even the protagonists lie in this morally gray area and people need to realize that doesnt make them bad characters but just overall more human !! Tsukasa and Hanako were both kids when everything went down and I cant imagine the amount of trauma both of them had gone through to make them the way they both are. Thats why I also think we should get a spread focus on the broadcasting club members (specially Sakura because we know very little about her sadly ;w;) so that people can see the other side of the flip coin !!

And holy shit death threats?? Thats horrible and if someone is that pressed about a ship (again of course, as long as its something legal and within bounds) they should just block the tag or dont interact with shippers !! I know how shitty it feels to be put down because you prefer a certain pairing and I am so sorry if you had to go through that :(( And of course Tsukasa is allowed to have a healthy and happy ending too !! I think at the end of the day he is still a child and probably scared at heart and he is painted in this horrible toxic light that really isnt there. I try to stay a bit out of the tbhk fandom for this reasons because I have seen a lot of weird ships and takes that sexualize the kids too and its sad to see such a good franchise often get flooded with all this character hate and illegal shenanigans.

And I love this about your analysis and I hope others get to read it because it is very true!! There are even things here that I skipped over or didnt realize until you pointed them out and I always love reading this kinds of character analysis. I do think what you said at the end is very true and people tend to ignore the side of things when they make up their mind from the start when Hanako and Tsukasa are more alike than what most people tend to believe.

And nono dont apologize for the rant!! We love our rants in this household and I understand your frustration :(( Having one of your favorite characters being misinterpreted and tossed aside constantly by the fandom is a horrible feelings ;w;

[helisol]

dude im not sure you will get it after reading this either, but you Can read it now

okay so first of all do not expect me to adhere to rules of grammar or Proper capitalisation, I am writing from the heart

so it’s been said before by other people but if Quark and Odo didnt look like the aliens that they are but instead like two regular prettybois the fandom would do cartwheels over their dynamic and Not call them a crack ship. because really, their dynamic fucking SLAPS and I’m here to tell you Why.

their surface-level dynamic is “Respected and Talented Security Chief and Cunning Immoral Businessman who are in Love but pretend not to be” and that's just an off-brand version of enemies to lovers! which is excellent and for some people that’s all you really need to get invested in a ship.

but some people look at it and go “Hm, no, that’s not enough. I mean, they work as friends but it doesn’t really have to be romantic.” and to that I say you are Absolutely Valid, not everything has to be romantic.

it just so happens that these two fuckers have one of the most compelling romance stories ever, and it’d be a shame not to explore it.

so before I dive into the internalised homophobia and repression, I’d like to take a moment to talk about Quark as a character.

because if you have brainworms like me you can kind of see that its an honest to god greek tragedy.

this guy comes from a race of people where being kind, ethical and fair is considered Abnormal and Horrifying. and I’m not gonna call Quark out of all people kind, ethical or fair but,,, 

you ever notice how he’s A Much Better Person Than Pretty Much All Other Ferengi?

dont get me wrong, Quark is still a bastard, but every once in a while his True Character shines through. and I say True Character because guys,,, the way he behaves around other people is an Act. he’s pretending to be something he’s not.

he has to try so hard to be a good ferengi it’s honestly painful to watch at times. because he is a SHIT ferengi! 

he loves his friends- because that's what the ds9 crew are. they’re his friends! and it makes him miserable because that's not! normal! for a ferengi!

let’s compare Quark and Rom for a second. 

Quark reeks of self loathing because a lot of the time he just Doesn’t act like a ferengi is supposed to, and this drives a lot of conflict in the show. he knows how a ferengi should act, it’s just that he can’t!! fucking!! do it!! but he still tries and tries to fit into that mold, which straight up ruins his life on multiple occasions.

Rom is also not a Model Ferengi, but he lives without hating himself. and it’s mostly because he doesn’t care about how a ferengi Should act, he’s loved and cared for even when everybody knows that he’s a shit ferengi! because his non-ferengi-ness works to his benefit. it encourages and highlights his abilities as an engineer. the success and love he finds make it easy for him to be content with his true self. Unlike Quark, who doesn’t get unconditional love from anyone.

its so!! tragic!! because you can see what Quark is really like!! his true self!! he’s a nice guy who cares for people!

its right there all the time and it's so blatantly obvious. especially in episodes like “Body Parts”, “Bar Association”, “The Way Of The Warrior” and “Ferengi Love Songs”

his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi”.

anyway so Quark is a tragic figure or whatever but we’re actually here for the REPRESSED! HOMOSEXUAL! TENDENCIES! that he and Odo both exhibit.

with characters like garak you don’t really need to have brainrot to pick up on those tendencies, because that was something andrew robinson chose to do, on purpose. 

and to be fair, Quark wasn’t intended to be Any kind of representation, not even by the actor. I’m just pointing out that he Does look and act and talk like a little gayman.

I will admit that he is Painfully Straight in the text of the show, but on a meta level he’s just. a dude who has a serious case of repressing his real personality. and taking it a step further- he also represses his feelings towards another man.

and that man is Odo.

a few things on him:

Odo is literally desperate to be a person. unlike Quark, who at least has the comfort of belonging to a society of people with a set of rules and expectations, Odo has never met anyone or anything like him in all his years of life.

like, we all know Odo basically grew up in a lab, right? 

with people who didn’t know anything about him. who he was so unalike that they literally called him “Nothing”

but he still learned to look and talk and act like them (because if he didn’t he’d feel *pain* which is very fucked up by the way?)

so we know for a fact that Odo wants to be recognised as a person- which is why he tries really hard to conform to the ideals of the society that raised him. instead of exploring his nature as a shape shifter he maintains a humanoid form, picks up a job and creates an entire personality around what he wants to be seen as. but not what he really is.

and that's the thing that causes all the conflict between Quark and Odo. the type of person odo wants to be seen as is the polar opposite of whatever the fuck quark wants to be seen as.

In the same way that Quark acts like a Normal Ferengi, Odo acts like a Normal Security Officer.  and in a cruel twist of fate, the Ferengi happens to be the antithesis of the Security Officer.

If you only look at them as the things they act like, and not the things they are, you might say they’re way too different to like each other, right? 

but,,, if you think about the fact that they’re both putting on this act,,, this performance of idealised versions of themselves,,, you can see that they are The Same. They Are Both Gay Repressed Loser Aliens Who Try To Act Like Things That They Aren’t!

Imagine you’re Odo. 

Imagine that you’re Nothing, because you’re not like anything anyone has ever seen- and because you are Nothing you don’t fall in love with anyone for years and years. since who could love something that isn’t like them at all?

But then one day this Thing shows up in your path and you just hate it. Because it’s not like anything *you* have ever seen. It’s disorderly and looks grotesque and it’s criminal to boot.

It’s all the things you learned would make a “Bad Person” It’s everything you aspire not to be, because if you were any of those things you would BE PUNISHED.

But the trouble is, eventually he’s not an “it” anymore, he’s “Quark” and you see him every day of your miserable little life because you live on the same damn station in space and it’s hard to avoid each other.

He also happens to be one of the only things in your life that are constant. He will never leave because he is stubborn and greedy and you just *hate him so much* that you’re convinced he must be doing all of it to spite you. And yet you also can’t seem to leave him alone.

So Odo Must Hate Quark. everything else is a non sequitur for him. he can’t not hate Quark.

because Quark is, and i’m sincerely sorry to apply christian fucking imagery to this, The Forbidden Fruit.

If he liked quark he’d admit some kind of moral failing. it would be the end of his act. but on the other hand...it might be a good thing, because at least he could have quark.

but Odo can never go through with biting into this apple because the consequences are horrifying to him. he could never have quark because, according to his performance, he would Never like quark to begin with.

and here’s a take for you: Odo's Brand Of Internalised Homophobia Doesn't Stem From Heteronormativity. It Stems From The Fact That He Was Kind Of Assigned Asexual At Birth.

and the show sort of alludes to this, for real! not just subtext! canon! except the writers used the wrong person. 

because instead of Odo having these Forbidden Feelings for Quark he has them for,,, Kira.

but since this is My Quodo Manifesto you’ll understand that i am 100% willing to just toss that part of canon out the airlock.

so Odo does canonically have that mindset of “no one could ever love me”  for decades he repressed any and all feelings of love to avoid getting hurt. in the show he breaks this cycle of repression when he takes a chance and enters a relationship with Kira. yay?

but we all know that aint it chief. and part of the reason why That Ship Ain’t It is the fact that Quark is Right There. and he is simply the more interesting choice for odo.

he and Odo literally share the same problem and have weird intertwined character arcs! they are both dreadfully afraid of not conforming to the ideal versions of themselves, so they reject everything that could challenge their Performance!

on some fucked up level they hate each other *and* themselves individually. and this hatred makes them reject parts of their real identities for the sake of protecting their image. which. yknow. in gay people. is internalised homophobia!

so you can see that they’re both repressing A Lot even if you view them as Friends, but the most important thing in this kind of romantic dynamic is usually,,, when the characters *stop* repressing.

and the thing is. the thing that Kills Me with these two. They Never Get That Moment. Thats Why You Need The Brainrot To See Them As Romantic.

The Ascent gives us an example of what happens when they both take their act too far. I mean, who could forget “Fascist!” and “Fraud!” That is what odo thinks of quark’s performance and vice versa, but we don’t really hear them adress the fact that they *are* playing these roles to a ridiculous extent.

We also never get an example of what would happen if they dropped their act instead of over-performing it. or rather we don’t get to see both of them drop it.

And the reason why we never get that moment is because there’s this one key difference between Quark and Odo. 

Quark knows that he’s constantly repressing his true nature and his feelings for odo. We pretty much hear him say so in the iconic root beer scene in Way Of The Warrior. he knows that he’s not a good ferengi but he keeps up his act.

So quark is aware enough to feel that sweet sweet self loathing. But Odo isnt self loathing as much as he is just self sabotaging.

and this subtle difference between them is why, at the very end of the show, we get “That man loves me, can’t you see? It was written all over his back!”

this moment is quark dropping his act and asking odo to do the same. he wants to hear a genuine Goodbye from him because they have known each other for Decades and they are Friends. but odo is so unable to express the feelings he’s been repressing all these years. that he self sabotages again and just walks away.

even though this is like. very anticlimactic. considering I just spent 2000 words talking about how Odo and Quark are Most Certainly Gay For Each Other.

The fact that their ending is so Weird is the reason why quodo is so engaging and appealing to me? especially post-canon quodo.

like, the amount of “what if’s” this ship has are Astounding.

What if either of them had dropped their act a little sooner? What if they both did, for just a moment, and it was the straw that breaks the camels back?

What if Odo comes back after a few years? What if Quark comes to get him?

What if, in that moment in the finale where Quark drops his act, Odo had returned the gesture? What if Gag-Reel Quodo Kiss.gif Real?

with the depth that I read into their relationship, those what ifs are really fun to think about.

anyway its 1 am and i’m not an english major so literary analysis is not like, my strong suit. plus most of this was written in a late night screaming session with a friend who has the exact same opinions as me. i just think aliens hot and in love. thats all.

[arcadialedger]

How Catra and Zuko have been saving me lately: A (sort of) meta

A very long, personal post under the cut. This is really important to me, and I could really use some support, so if you could take the time to read and reblog that would be greatly appreciated. I just want to reach out.

Once again, please PLEASE read. I really need help.

Recently, I’ve found myself desperately latching onto the characters of Zuko and Catra, as many have in the past. To put it simply, I’m in one of the most difficult times of my life right now.

I’m transferring colleges because I was doxed by an online hate mob (long story) , and in general because I just didn’t belong at my old school. I went to three different high schools, moved around a whole bunch, and I don’t really belong anywhere. All of my friends are far away, my parents are busy working and I’m alone.

I just feel like I’m wandering aimlessly in darkness, unloved and unsure where to go. I’m faced with making a huge decision about my future with this transfer, and I’m terrified. Terrified I won’t make the right choice, and terrified it won’t be the newfound happiness I so desperately need it to be. But most of all, I’m terrified of being unwanted and alone again, wherever I go.

I’m used to not being wanted. I’m 4’10, not thin, and have been tossed aside because of my appearance my entire life. I’m 20 years old and haven’t been kissed (how pathetic is that). I moved schools and stayed in my room depressed because I never got to lay down roots and establish a foundation. Hell, I never even got to live as a teenager. I’m just behind and broken.

I was hoping Tumblr would be my place, where I could write and analyze and showcase my talents. Be wanted for once. For a while, it looked like it might be. Then a friend blocked me and made a callout post, due to me having a different opinion on a sensitive matter, and a domino effect began. I lost more friends and half of the fandom we’re both in blocked me seemingly at their word. I had featured this friend on an episode of my podcast at, had many fond memories chatting with them, and even bought a zine to support them. The loss hurt, and I was cut off from one of the few things I had. It was all taken away from me. My growth halted as I dealt with months of online abuse: including death threats, suicide baiting (these people knowing I’ve struggled with being suicidal), aphobic slurs (knowing I’m ace), mocking and editing images of my face. My Twitter was hacked, I lost podcast deals with creatives who my friends who blocked me and started all of this went on to interview because of said hacking, and I was threatened to be doxed. I suffered blow after blow while the people who hurt me grew and were rewarded, allowed a place here, and this continues to this day. The damage remains. I have to self reblog a whole bunch to get my content remotely seen in the algorithm.

Because my entire life, it feels I’ve never been allowed a win. I’ve never been allowed to have and keep anything good. I’m short and ugly, talentless with nothing to give to the world, my family has no money so I haven’t gotten to travel or experience a lot of things. I’ve spent my entire life envious of the “hot skinny girls” who’ve been wanted and dating since high school, who live in McMansions and get to go on vacations.

When I work to make good content on Tumblr and build a following talking about what I’m passionate about? It’s taken from me. When I work hard to get into my old college’s honors program and earn a trip to Greece which I could otherwise never afford, a global pandemic comes along and makes sure I don’t get that kind of positive experience in life.

I’m used to it all, being worn down and unwanted and losing. I’ve gone my entire life behind, lesser, and not enough.

And that’s why I’m so scared. I have a big decision to make, I’m at my own crossroads, and I desperately need all of this to come together for me this year. I’ve gone so long without happiness and love. I need this to be the light at the end of the tunnel, newfound happiness. I need to find newfound happiness. All I want is to escape the darkness, find peace of mind and function day to day doing the things I love without being stressed.

So when I see Zuko— so angry at the world for being given the short stick, abused, and never making things easy, and Catra— driven mad by comparison and feeling as though the world takes away everything from her? Gosh, I feel it so hard.

Because that’s just what I do. I get angry at the world for making things so hard for me. I compare. I feel like the world just takes and takes and never gives me a win. And so I’m never happy. I feel their pain and loneliness so deeply, and I’m terrified that I’m the villain because of it. I cry at the anguish and self loathing in their eyes because I have been there. I AM there. 

Like Zuko comparing to Azula, I feel lesser because the world has constantly told me I am so. I feel cheated and given the short end of the stick, as though life has it out for me. I get angry and lash out from my pain.I’m desperate for validation from people who can never give it to me. I’m so scarred from my past, I can’t believe I have a future. 

Like Catra, I’m always left behind. I’m lonely and driven mad by the unfairness of the world. It takes and takes until I’ve lost it all, but it never gives. I’m so afraid of losing anyone and anything else, I refuse to let anyone in. Because why would I deserve love? There’s nobody who wants me, no purpose for me on this world. I’m nothing, just constantly chasing an impossible goal of perfection to justify my existence. 

“You drive them away, wildcat”

Yeah, I know their hurt. I know what it all feels like. To be that broken, that insecure, that left behind and unwanted. The punching bag of fate. These characters suffering is so much of my own.

And that’s why they’re the only thing to give me hope.

Seeing them be where I am now, and where they end up, I allow myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, that can be my future. That I’ll get a happy ending. It gives me the courage to believe that what I’m so desperately striving for can happen. 

Zuko standing up to his father and forging his own path in life, which leads him to a better place as he finds his destiny and happiness after so many years of torment. We both have scars-- if he can overcome his, why can’t I?

Catra, after so many years of struggle, taking agency over her life back from those to abused her, and finally learning to accept the love of those around her. Opening up to pain and rejection and ultimately being forgiven. Catra felt so lonely, unable to see the love around her-- maybe I’ve been doing the same thing. Maybe I’ll find the strength to take my life into my own hands and find my own love.

It’s so empowering, a flicker of light in what feels like eternal darkness. I am so worn out and broken. I’ve never had love, or learned to love myself. In the real world, it is find to find hope.

It is only in these characters, who have felt my pain and found their way to a better place, that I find comfort.

I am one of so many who have been touched by these characters arcs, and they are one of the purest examples of why stories are important. Why the emotions narrative can evoke are important. It is not only escapism, it opens up a door to critical self introspection that can make a real difference in our lives. It holds up a black mirror of our lives, providing an outside view of our deepest, darkest emotions and struggles which can be so hard to understand when they’re inside. 

These characters, and their stories: insecurity, abuse, doubt, comparison, chasing validation, just wanting to find your purpose in life and happiness-- they are the stories of life, stripped down to it’s rawest emotions. 

There is power in redemption. There is power in rising from the bottom. 

As I said in my last post about Catra and Zuko:

“Their stories: being angry at the world, driven mad by comparison and a need for validation, making wrong choices, processing trauma, needing help but being too scared to open up and accept it, feeling as though they don’t deserve love or forgiveness, fighting to restore and maintain valued relationships, convincing themselves they’ve lost it all, feeling conflicted or confused, realizing what they thought they wanted isn’t fulfilling and hasn’t brought happiness, escaping years of mental conditioning which told them they were worthless, not seeing the love they have right before them, constantly fighting uphill for a life which seems to throw everything it can at them… Well, isn’t that just the most human story of all? And so their redemptions give us hope.”

I have been so lost and lonely for so long, and now I’m at a crossroads. I’m so scared to believe that this change, this new path, can lead to a better place, but these characters? They give me strength to. They give me faith.

This has been a rambling post of feelings, and I am thankful to anyone who has read this far. I’m just so tired of feeling this way, and needed to reach out and share this. If you are also feeling this way, know you are not alone. You are so very far from alone.

I just really don’t want to feel unwanted and unloved, like I don’t belong, anymore. I want to have a place here. I probably sound desperate because I feel that way. I don’t know how else to cry out for help other than sharing this.

 If anyone wants to message or send asks about this, please feel free to do so. I want, and very much need, to talk. 

[cruelfeline]

I’ve been thinking about various aspects of SPoP, as I am wont to do, and as often happens, I’ve settled on trying to figure out why I feel a certain way. Namely regarding why I, personally, am able to feel so much more compassion towards Hordak rather than towards the Princesses. After all, the Princesses are the ones being wronged throughout this show, aren’t they? Their lands are being invaded. They’re the ones having to fight to maintain their way of life. They’re losing ground because of Hordak’s war.

So... why do I find it hard to care about them? Why are their experiences in this conflict just sort of... well, meaningless to me?

And why, instead, do my tender emotional responses strongly favor Hordak, despite his serious role in starting a terrible war?

Well! As per usual, I’m going to try to talk my way through it. 

(and, as per usual, your mileage may vary!)

Let’s start with the Princesses. They range from children to young adults. Seem like reasonably nice girls, despite various flaws. They clearly did not ask for a war, had no hand in starting it, and are clearly on the side of good, seeking to protect innocents and simply return to a peaceful way of life.

They appear perfectly designed to garner sympathy and connection... yet I feel so little for them. I feel little because, despite the show telling me that they’re fighting for their lives, and for their home, despite them being the apparent underdogs in their battle against the Horde, I feel like their lives remain relatively stable. Pleasant. Even enjoyable. 

Essentially, I feel like despite everything, they do not truly suffer. Not in a way that is consistent or touching. 

The arcs the Princesses go through either deal largely with matters unrelated to the war and subsequently involve less arduous difficulties, or are handled in such a way that any real pain is quickly resolved and loses its impact.

Frosta and Perfuma represent the former. Both are parentless rulers of their kingdoms, but there is no real confirmation that their parents were killed by the Horde, and they themselves seem largely unperturbed by parental loss. They maintain control of their kingdoms throughout the series. Frosta never loses the Kingdom of Snows, while Perfuma, though in brief danger of losing Plumeria due to damage to the Heart Blossom, ends up... well, defeating the Horde with a band of untrained hippies. So while they fight in the war against Hordak, they never really suffer any significant, confirmed personal losses because of it.

In fact, the Plumerian conflict is... kind of played for laughs.

The other aspects of their arcs have largely to do with friendship matters, or self-belief, and are also dealt with quickly and with little fanfare. Frosta learns how to make friends. Perfuma learns how to play with cacti. Afterwards, Frosta spends the remainder of the story essentially being a violence-happy little kid; amusing, yes, but not particularly tugging at my heartstrings. Perfuma likewise settles into “sympathetic friend” and, though she’s involved in Scorpia’s story at the end, also does little to invoke any sort of significant emotion. 

we’re just going to skirt around the whole “leashing Entrapta” thing, as it’s not relevant to this discussion

(Spinnerella and Netossa barely even register to me, given their very bare-bones roles in the first four seasons and standard “chipped loved one” narrative (that everyone experiences) in the fifth.) 

So, let’s move on to Glimmer and Mermista.

Glimmer and Mermista are arguably the two Princesses who actually lose unique things in the war and suffer because of those losses. And yet, because of the way the show is written, even their pain is dulled in such a way that it just does not facilitate me forming any sort of consistent, compassionate bond with them.

Mermista is the only Princess to actually lose a kingdom. In Hordak’s most visible evil act, Salineas is burned and beflagged, leading to Mermista deeply mourning the loss of her home, her culture, her peop- oh. Hm.

She takes it oddly well, doesn’t she? Apparently, ice cream in a bathtub is how deposed rulers deal with the loss of their entire country nowadays. 

And once she’s done with her moment of moping, she’s back in the fight, fueled by Sea Hawk’s shenanigans and her own power ballad (and Bright Moon’s lack of ice cream). There is no extended mourning for her people, no real depth to the loss she has supposedly suffered. There’s not even a real sense of it: we never see the people of Salineas, never know them, never get to feel anything for them. And with them being all but theoretical, the show appears to have no issue quickly forgetting them: Mermista never negotiates on their behalf, or visits refugees, or... anything. She might use Salineas in her future battle cries and as an excuse for increased recklessness, but that homage is the extent of emotion that we see.

Kingdom gone, bathtub ice cream finished, she goes on living life as if little has happened. And, because of her royal connections, she doesn’t even experience a decrease in quality of life: she continues to live in luxurious comfort despite an apparently raging war.

Because of how the writing handles Salineas, and her character in general, I never feel connected to how Mermista feels. Whatever pain she experiences is there and gone in a few scenes, quickly dealt with so the story can continue. There is no exploration, no nuance, nothing to really make me appreciate any sort of depth to her experience. And so I feel little, if anything, for her plight.

Glimmer, then, is the last chance the show has to make me feel something for the Alliance Princesses’ suffering during this war, and while season four nearly does it, the series again ends up falling short. 

Glimmer loses her mother. The actual sacrifice is emotional... though that emotion, admittedly, comes mainly from Adora. Glimmer’s pain comes through at the beginning of season four, when she is clearly in mourning all while needing to take Angella’s place as queen. Afterwards, season four does a fairly good job of making the loss meaningful: Glimmer becomes more and more willing to commit dark acts due to a mixture of grief and desperation. It works well, and out of all of the Princesses, I feel for her the most... until season five comes along and pretty much erases Angella from character consciousness.

Angella’s death essentially plays no role in season five. Glimmer does not appear to think back to it. While it drives her actions during season four, it appears to have been all but forgotten now, a particularly glaring shift when Catra, the one who is practically responsible, joins the group without it coming up at all. Glimmer’s other parental loss, Micah, likewise becomes meaningless not because of questionable writing choices, but because he simply never died.

Glimmer’s other problem, her rift with Bow and Adora, is repaired within an episode and never spoken of again. That... falls quite flat for me. 

And so, by the end of the series, Glimmer fails to maintain a believable level of distress and thus doesn’t invoke any real emotion in me. The one thing that really mattered, that really hurt her? Suddenly irrelevant in the name of Catra’s redemption. Hm.

And while these are the specific character examples that come to mind, the general situation the Princesses find themselves also fails to carry much weight in my mind. They are in the middle of a war, yet they continue to live in luxury. Skirmishes carry a sense of light-heartedness and sometimes seem almost fun. Battle plans are developed via a game of DnD. There is just no consistent sense of urgency or severity, no believable sense of emotional depth to convey to me that these characters are in truly dire straits. Yes, there are moments... but these moments are so brief, and carry such questionable lasting impact, that they don’t connect with me the way that they should. And as a result, the plight of the Princesses just feels hollow to me. 

I just... I just find myself unable to care about them because, when all is said and done, I don’t feel like they are truly in danger of real harm, or that they are realistically affected by their losses. It all just feels so shallow to me.

Now, let’s pivot and look at Hordak. Hordak, whom I still cry over on the daily. Hordak, who has owned my heart for over a year now. Hordak, who invokes in me all of the emotions. 

What is the difference between Hordak and the Princesses, other than the glaring fact that he is the instigator of the Etherian war and thus a bad, bad man? What makes him snap my heartstrings in half, while the Princesses barely manage a gentle tug?

The answer is that Hordak legitimately suffers. Terribly. Consistently. Throughout the entire series. While the Princesses experience brief moments of distress that the show quickly sweeps under the rug in favor of witty banter and friendship problems, Hordak is the direct opposite: he experiences only the occasional breath of happiness while otherwise drowning in a constant sea of bitterness, fear, pain, and deep unhappiness.  

From the moment we meet him, Hordak is stern and humorless and angry, and while this initially appears to be a side effect of him being a Standard Ultimate Villain Who Never Smiles, we quickly learn that it is due to his struggle. Hordak is constantly struggling against his physical defect, battling an illness that causes him not only significant health problems, but incredible shame. He is likewise constantly struggling to earn the respect and validation and nonexistent love of his god-brother. His sour demeanor, with all of its anger and dourness, originates in the fact that, throughout the overwhelming majority of the series, he is gravely unhappy. He is in ever-present distress, both physical and emotional. 

And as the series goes on, does that distress lessen? No. No, instead, he is rejected by his brother, thoroughly humiliated, and brutally “reset” back into his life as an actual cult slave. Rather than having his difficulties minimized like so many Princesses do, he finds himself in ever-worsening circumstances, graduating from (supposed) “disgraced, disabled military veteran” to “enslaved cultist desperate to be loved by his loveless master.”

Any moments of happiness are not only relatively brief, they are taken away as quickly as the Princesses’ moments of difficulty are. Hordak experiences love and friendship for the first time with Entrapta, only to swiftly lose her to Catra’s lies and spiraling madness. He finally begins to win the Etherian War (which is bad, yes, I know), only to realize that his victories stem from Catra’s betrayal before the whole affair culminates in Prime’s nauseating violation of his personhood.

It does not stop. Physically, mentally, or emotionally: not until his triumph over Prime in the season five finale does Hordak stop hurting, and even that is marred by Prime taking control of his body in a final act of nightmarish control before, bless him, Hordak is freed and able to begin his recovery.

In addition to being a series constant, Hordak’s pain is conveyed. It is dramatically shown through facial expressions, through body language, through phenomenal voice work, through scenes that clearly depict real anguish. 

The purification ritual is one of them; what other character do we hear scream like that, over and over, due to such terrible agony? His reunion with Prime is another; I will never forget how deeply I could sense his fear, how watching him tremble and beg instilled within me a sort of breathless panic because the scene actually made me want to instinctively protect him... but I could not because, y’know: cartoon. 

Hordak’s suffering is not only ever-present, it is varied and developed and communicated to the viewer in ways that result in it making a lasting impression. It is never minimized. It is never ignored. It is painful and horrifying with little reprieve, and it has a deep, life-altering effect on him.

That, friends and neighbors, is why I think I find myself feeling so much more compassion towards Hordak than I do towards the Princesses, despite his less-enticing place on the moral spectrum. Hordak is in pain. Consistently, meaningfully. He suffers, and the story takes it with every ounce of seriousness it can muster.

The Princesses, on the other hand, either experience little hurt or, when they do suffer, do so briefly before the narrative shoves it aside in favor of Catradora other things. As a result, they fail to make the same impression. They fail to garner my compassion because, in the end, they just don’t seem to really need it.

Whereas Hordak does.

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

I hate to be an asshole, but I see this a lot and I'd like your take because while we have differing opinions on some things, your metas are spot on (and I binged half your stories last weekend, oops) and I know you'll be straight up with me on this. What "chemistry" between Zuko and Katara? I keep seeing that and not getting it? The chemistry when he roughed up her grandmother and threatened her village? The chemistry when he tied her to a tree and violated her boundaries? (1/3)

The chemistry when he hired a trained assassin to stalk her good friend and if collateral damage happened, oopsie? The chemistry when he stabbed her in the back after she was nice to him in the crystal catacombs? The chemistry when he demanded that she accept him? Or the chemistry when he showed he didn’t know her at all? The chemistry when both of them were grossed out being thought a couple? Or is it the chemistry when he saved her and Katara couldn’t wait to kiss another guy? (2/3)

I dislike r/eylo from Star Wars fandom. I think it sends the wrong message. But as much as I hate it, there was chemistry there from the first. Rey is attracted to him and Kylo is attracted to her. They don’t want to be, but they are and it plays out in the next two movies. There was none of that in ATLA and I can understand z/ks saying it but other people? What am I missing? Where am I not looking? I’m not even that huge on Katara/Aang but Zuko/Katara chemistry where? (3/3)

Obligatory disclaimer: this is my personal response to anon’s questions and my personal thoughts on Zvtara’s chemistry. I’m not going to put this into the main tags - much less the Zvtara tag! - because while I believe this is a genuine question, I don’t doubt there’s at least one person out there who will misconstrue it as “hate” because the A:TLA fandom is, uh, aggressive in its ship wars lol. However, if I have any Zvtara shippers following me, I encourage you to reblog this post with your own thoughts! Please refrain from sending your commentary on anon unless you’re going to be friendly about it, lol; I like to keep my blog positive and welcoming! Thank you :)

Firstly, I am EXTREMELY flattered that you enjoy my metas so much and binged half my fics!! I was grinning so gleefully as I read that part of your asks,, y’all are too sweet to me. 💛

Okay. Moving on.

So, the main question here seems to be this: What chemistry exists between Zuko and Katara in A:TLA?

Short answer? None, in my opinion.

Longer answer? For all the reasons you outline in your asks, I do not perceive any romantic chemistry between Zuko and Katara within the series run of A:TLA. Note the qualifiers: “romantic” and “within the series run.” I’ll try to break down what I mean!

“no romantic chemistry”

For one, a romantic interest with anyone in the Gaang would have undermined Zuko’s entire redemption arc, full stop. Yes, I mean anyone. For Zuko to have joined the Gaang because of romantic interest* would have been… counterproductive. Zuko joined the Gaang because he realized - to put it very simply - that the Fire Nation was wrong. He realized how he’d been indoctrinated since birth. He realized that he could help the Avatar (instead of trying to, uh, kill him lmao) by teaching him firebending. He realized he could help Aang defeat the Fire Lord and bring peace to the four nations. Zuko realized he could help end the war. He could help break the cycles of violence and abuse that had in part made his own life so miserable. For him to join the Gaang because of romantic interest? Completely takes away from all of that. A key theme of A:TLA is dismantling imperialist power, propaganda, rhetoric, etc. Zuko’s decision to fight against Fire Nation imperialism is crucial to his redemption. He could not have been redeemed without making that choice. Thus, if Zuko had joined the Gaang because of romantic interest, it would have been completely counteractive to his redemption.

(*That is, the relatively popular [? I think?] implication that Zuko and Katara’s moment in “The Crossroads of Destiny” was romantic-coded and thus Zuko should have joined the Gaang at the end of Book 2 because he had romantic interest in Katara and she in him. I genuinely am clueless how people interpret that moment as romantic - like to me it’s honestly heartbreaking! Katara offers Zuko tentative sympathy only for him to stab her in the back minutes later - so if someone would like to share some thoughts, please feel free to do so!!)

On a similar note, for Zuko to take the lightning for Katara at the end of the series because of romantic interest would also undermine his redemption arc. Please note: this does not mean Zvtara shippers cannot interpret the Agni Kai as being romantic-coded. Of course they can! That’s what fanon is for! Transformative works! But in terms of canon, Zuko did not try (and fail, rip) to redirect Azula’s lightning because he was romantically interested in Katara. (I mean, in terms of canon, Zuko and Katara were both romantically interested in other people, too, so… Moot point, lol? But I digress.)

Zuko taking the lightning is about him learning to earn forgiveness and accept unconditional love from his family (both Iroh and the Gaang). It is a selfless act, and it directly parallels Zuko’s selfish act in “The Crossroads of Destiny” to stand silently while Azula strikes Aang with lightning, thus becoming complicit in Aang’s death. The point of his “sacrifice” is that Zuko would have taken the lightning for anyone (and don’t get me wrong - the moment is doubly powerful with Katara, as she’s a primary protagonist!). Zuko did not attempt but fail to redirect the lightning because it was Katara he was protecting; he took it because it was the right thing to do. Zuko has learned to differentiate between “right and wrong” on his own. To at last put others before himself. To make his decision about romantic interest? To make Zuko’s most selfless act in the series (not to mention one of his only 100% selfless acts!) about out-of-the-blue “romantic love”? That not only lessens the impact of his decision, but it is also reductive to Zuko’s entire character and arc. There’s no romantic chemistry there.

Again, of course, fanon exists for purposes such as interpreting Zuko’s failed misdirection of the lightning to protect Katara as romantic. Go wild!! I’m talking strictly about canon.

So that pretty much summarizes why romantic interest with anyone in the Gaang would have been detrimental to Zuko’s redemption, hence why Zuko doesn’t have any canon romantic chemistry in the Gaang. It just ain’t there! It would have screwed over his arc! And again, because of all the reasons you outline, I cannot comfortably interpret any romantic chemistry between Zuko and Katara within the series run of A:TLA. Personally, romantic Zvtara would have been too sudden, too unexpected, and too… well, as I said: uncomfortable. Why would Katara have romantic interest in a guy who’d hurt her so many times? Who she’d only just forgiven? Why would Zuko have romantic interest in Katara, a girl he barely knew for most of the series? Especially when he already had feelings for a childhood friend? I, personally, just don’t get it.

But. You know what Zuko and Katara do have in canon?

A phenomenal platonic bond.

It develops very late, admittedly; Katara has only forgiven Zuko for the last five episodes of the series (5 out of 61… Katara was only on good terms with Zuko for 8% of the series, lmao). But Zuko and Katara are very, very similar personality-wise, so it follows that (eventually) they’d be great friends! Yeah, Zuko acts like an entitled dick for a good portion of “The Southern Raiders” lmao, but he ultimately respects Katara’s decision to spare Yon Rha (love that scene so much 🤧). Katara recognizes that Zuko is trying his best (if sometimes falling short) to redeem himself and earn the Gaang’s trust, and she also understands how - while she is completely justified in her anger! - holding that hatred close to her chest isn’t good for her. So she offers him a third chance (and honestly, Zuko should be forever grateful for that lmao!).

So what can a strong platonic bond lead to? Well, if it’s in your taste, a romantic relationship!

“within the series run”

As aforementioned, I don’t see any romantic chemistry between Zuko and Katara within the series run of A:TLA. I think Zuko has hurt Katara in too many ways - and again, she has only just forgiven him by the end of the show - for there to realistically have been any blossoming romance between them. I think romantic interest for anyone in the Gaang would undermine Zuko’s redemption. I also think M@iko and K@taang are well-implemented romances into A:TLA, so romantic Zvtara would not have fit into the narrative. (Doesn’t mean someone has to ship them!! I just mean they made logical sense and had narrative purpose within canon. That’s all.) But again, Zuko and Katara have a great platonic bond. So while I don’t see romance within the series run, I can understand why people might be attracted to Zvtara in post-canon!

Post-A:TLA (disregarding LOK, which I haven’t even seen lol) Zvtara has some solid potential. I’m personally intrigued by the idea of how they’d navigate their relationship amidst all the politics! Basically, any relationship with a strong platonic bond can have potential for “more.” That’s why people ship T@ang, that’s why people ship Zvkaang, Zvkka, M@ilee, etc. So while Zvtara may not have romantic chemistry within the show - in my opinion! - they’ve got one of my favorite platonic bonds, so I can totally get people wanting to explore that bond in post-A:TLA and possibly translating it to romance.

So for some people, then, it might be less about “chemistry” in A:TLA itself, but more how their relationship could grow and change after the end of the series!

Quick sidebar: I mentioned that while I do not interpret the final Agni Kai as romantic, I’m fine when other people do. It’s fanon! Ain’t no big thing! But also, Katara has forgiven Zuko by that point. I, personally, am not comfortable with reading any of Zuko and Katara’s TSR-and-earlier interactions as romantic because of the imbalanced power dynamic. Example: I don’t think Zuko tying Katara to a tree and manipulating her with her mother’s necklace was romantic, and I don’t like the resulting implications when people do treat it as such. Zuko was still so indoctrinated by Fire Nation propaganda… Yeah, from Book 1 to about halfway through Book 3, I personally don’t feel comfortable shipping Zuko with anyone outside of the Fire Nation. Pre-redemption Zuko was not the most fun person to be around if you were non-Fire Nation.

But as I’ve said, these are all just my opinions! Again, if I have any Zvtara shippers following me, please feel free to reblog with your own thoughts! I would love to know where the idea comes from that Zvtara had chemistry within A:TLA, since I personally don’t see any romantic vibes (though platonic chemistry, of course, abounds.)

(For the record, I don’t know anything about Star Wars, which is why I haven’t brought up R.eylo, lol.)

TL;DR - To me, there isn’t any canon romantic chemistry for Zvtara. Narratively, I think it would undermine Zuko’s arc. Logically, because of how Zuko treated Katara for 92% of the series, I personally cannot interpret any of their interactions as romantic. But their platonic bond? Beautiful!! Thus, if people want to explore post-A:TLA, fanon Zvtara, I am all for it.

[cheekbites-moved]

oz, alice & the creation of love: an ozlice meta

hello it is i, known ozlice defender. here to explain why they need to be credited for inventing love, bc. They Did That. & i just wanna gush about my favorite scene of all time, involving my favorite couple of all time, because both are very precious to me and i’m very passionate about them!!

disclaimer: if your interpretation of oz/alice’s relationship differs from mine, i respect that. all i ask is that my interpretation of their relationship being romantic be equally respected. i am simply writing my own post, on my own blog, discussing my own interpretation of this scene and their relationship dynamic within it/as a whole. if you disagree, please refrain from debating me on my interpretation. my voicing of my interpretation doesn’t mean yours is in any way invalid or not allowed to exist, so please don’t treat mine that way if you don’t share it. thank you. 

tw for blood, gore, and mentions of neglect/abandonment issues.

anyway so! the scene in question is the cheek biting scene from chapter 41. in my opinion, this is one of the most crucial scenes for oz’s character development, & is a scene that beautifully encapsulates the depth of the impact oz and alice have on each other.

before i get into the meat of the chapter itself, i’d like to first establish my perception of oz’s character up to the point this chapter takes place, to really get across why this moment is so pivotal for him.

pandora hearts is one of those series that begins with a collection of stereotypes, both in the story and characters, then works to completely dismantle them as the story goes on. oz is no exception to this trend.

he starts out as a pretty typical protagonist, to be honest. he’s bubbly, peppy, (also flirty) and is always the first to bounce back from the rougher things the cast goes through. he’s an optimist, and prefers to focus on happy distractions rather than the reality of the harsh situations the cast finds themselves in.

but, see, that’s the thing. his entire outward personality itself is a distraction. it’s all a facade. oz hasn’t forgotten any of the pain he’s been dealt, nor has he even begun to heal from any of it. because he has put the role of “the happy friend who has to stay happy for their friends’ happiness’ sake" on himself. which has caused him to learn to bottle things up. which has lead his mind to believing that presenting any negative emotion would be a burden to those around him. he’s afraid of presenting them because he fears rejection, but also, he’s afraid of his loved ones hurting for his sake. 

a lot of oz’s arc revolves around him overcoming this mentality, and the development that entails starts with chapter 41.

for those who need a refresher, chapter 41 takes place while the group is exploring the ruins of sablier. they all get separated at one point, lead astray by the hauntings of their unremembered pasts. 

oz finds himself alone, and is confronted again with the horrors of the tragedy, as well as his own unremembered past, and begins to panic.

elliot and leo hear him screaming, so they go off to look for him. 

after they first arrive and oz properly notices them, he instantly snaps back to his bubbly self, acting like nothing happened.

they walk together, eventually running into gil and also xai. xai’s appearance, and proceeding dismissal of oz’s presence further burdens oz with the trauma of his father’s neglect, on top of the already previously disregarded distress from his past.

xai was sent to retrieve elliot, who denies his help, saying it should be offered to his own son instead. xai scoffs, and further dismisses oz’s existence in a more direct manor by speaking ill of him, further contributing to oz’s increasing emotional instability.

leo manages to get xai to leave, explaining that he and elliot already have plans to get back on their own, so his help isn’t necessary. xai departs as oz’s emotions start to fully destabilize, with oz thinking to himself about the pain he’s feeling. he attempts to reach out to gil, but gil runs off after xai to confront him.

oz canonically has abandonment issues, and they originated from xai’s neglect. i’m sure in the moment, after just having confronted the source of his abandonment issues, having gil leave him behind felt like a further abandonment, and it breaks him down the rest of the way.

his mind starts to spiral, putting him in conflict with himself, as his tendencies to remain stable and happy are pitted against the destructive urges arising within him to cope with the instability.

he begins a descent into darkness he can’t control as his powers start to spark up and begin causing destruction, a very similar scenario to his breakdown in the cheshire arc.

before he can commit any permanent damage, however, alice arrives at the perfect time to disrupt his spiel.

her interruption snaps him back to reality, and he is instantly tamed by her appearance

as he regains himself, he also defaults to putting up his facade yet again, casually talking to her as if nothing happened. alice knows him well enough to notice the subtle cracks in his mask, though, and asks him what’s wrong.

oz holds to his habits, and attempts to brush his emotions off by saying it’s nothing,

but alice interrupts him before he can continue disregarding his feelings through biting his cheek

oz is completely taken aback by the action, and alice explains to an equally baffled elliot that sharon showed her a book where a woman ‘bit’ a man’s cheek to cheer him up.

alice further explains herself to oz, telling him that she heard him calling out to her (through a memory, though she’s unaware of that in the moment), with “such a pitiful voice she had to go find him.” 

noting afterward that she wished he would be that open with his emotions more often, so she could cheer him up.

as she says all of this, oz looks at her in pure bewilderment

but then, realization strikes him

he notes his realization, thinking to himself:

"My anxiety, my weaknesses.. I thought if I gave my voice to them.. I would be burdening the people around me... But... ...I guess it’s not always like that."

this line is crucial for the rest of oz’s character arc, and the weight it entails carries on throughout the rest of the series. 

this realization, this moment as a whole, is the first time oz lets himself properly acknowledge the deception behind how his mind has forced him to perceive himself. this is the first time oz actually acknowledges and processes that he is allowed to feel pain. that having pain does not make him a burden. and from this moment forward, oz begins to open up about his feelings more.

starting moments later when they reunite with gil, and oz openly expresses that he’s hurting to gil for the first time.

this progresses to him slowly becoming more direct about his feelings, both through his words and the facial expressions he allows himself to show.

(chapter 60)

(chapter 74)

(chapter 75)

and this all culminates full circle when he finally allows himself to fully cry in later volumes when he needs to.

(chapter 82)

(chapter 87)

(chapter 92)

(chapter 97)

(chapter 104)

that scene in chapter 41, is what directly leads to the emotional vulnerability oz allows himself to have as the series goes on. alice loved oz enough to feel his pain, and to make an effort to seek him out so she could cheer him up when she was aware he was hurting. oz’s love and trust for alice finally allowed him to feel comfortable enough to let down some of his walls to someone for the first time. 

after the realization sinks in fully, oz notes that despite how strange her words are to him, they still spark a fire in his heart.

he observes alice afterwards, noting that her presence is what brings beauty in the scenery of the rain, something he tended towards disliking before.

alice is the first person oz allows himself to be vulnerable around because he’s that comfortable around her. alice is the reason that in a moment of negativity, he is able to pause and admire something that’s beautiful to him; something that genuinely puts him at ease, rather than him just faking a moment of serenity to avoid being vulnerable.

whether you see their relationship as romantic or platonic, their deep love for each other is undeniable. and this is the moment that it shines the brightest, in my opinion. this is the moment they invented love together. and i think it’s beautiful to witness.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

*DASHES INTO THE ROOM, STRANGELY PHYSICAL HEARTS SPILLING OUT OF MY ARMS*

I HEARD ASH NEEDED LOVE TODAY AND I’M HERE TO TELL YOU 25 REASONS YOU ARE INCREDIBLE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT. SO HERE WE GO, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, 25 SUPER COOL AWESOME ASH THINGS THAT MAKE MY DAY BRIGHTER

1) your blog name is just!!! Really cool!!! To this day, I don’t know why, it’s just a daily source of giddiness. Love me a blog with a really cool play on word name and hey howdy hey look what we got here, a super cool blog with a super cool name

2) you are so amazingly kind??? And incredibly involved with your readers??? You are the sort of writer I thought existed when I was a smol sheltered bean and lo and behold one of my first outings I find a super awesome cool and interactive writer who cares??? So much about what she’s putting out into the world, and how it affects others??? You are both an inspiration and a gift??

3) thanksgiving lives in my head rent free, day after day, minute after minute. Catch me sweeping up popcorn at work and all of a sudden my brain is starting my cinematic presentation of stuff being spooned onto a pitifully empty plate, and the warmth of the holidays being stolen away by the things that lurk in grey eyes :)

4) you and your blog have (has? Grammar. Bleh) been such a source of wisdom, and it’s just wonderful. I know I can’t be the only one. You share so many wonderful resources, and you *care* so much I just. Yeah. You’re incredible. I cannot even begin to explain how much I’ve benefited from running across this wonderful place.

5) I cannot speak about the amazing things that comprise ash without going absolutely bonkers about your w r i t i n g. I just. You are so good at layering meaning upon meaning upon meaning into your works, until they become this beautiful, colorful sedimentary formation of gorgeous intent and heartbreaking subtext.

6) and beyond just subtext, IMAGERY, ASH. IMAGERY. I COULD WANDER DOWN YOUR SPRAWLING CORRIDORS OF DESCRIPTION FOR HOURS. GET LOST IN ALL THE LITTLE NOOKS AND CRANNIES WHERE DETAILS LIE AND MY HEART GOES TO BE FULL AS WELL AS TO SHATTER

7) just about any time I’m up early I see a happy little green discord bubble that makes my heart go ☀️❤️ and I’m not a morning person, but it always puts me in a happy mood to start my day

8) hello random point here!! Just for me to say you’re amazing and I love you!! I’m allowed to do that cause I made the rules :P

9) you are taking a break!!! A well deserved, wonderful break to rest the ash head!!!!! Take care of the ash brain!!! For inside it are many wonderful things!!! Many amazing gifts to this world that you bless us with!!! Take care of the ash!!!

10) now I will sing a song: *clears throat* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH HOW I LOVE THE ASH OC’S, THE ASH OC’S, THE ASH OC’S! HOW I LOVE THE ASH OC’S THAT BREAK MY HEART IN TWO

11) you were the first whump writer I ever really came into contact with! That’s not to say I hadn’t read whump before, but I had never interacted with anyone before. And nervous little me stuck my head in and you went HELLO WELCOME WE’RE ALL VERY FRIENDLY HERE HAVE A SLICE OF HEARTACHE PIE AND JOIN THE FUN and I cannot thank you enough for that

12) your profile picture. Please. It gives me so much serotonin

13) stop I’m already gay. This comes with no context but it doesn’t even need it. You know who this is about.

14) Chris owns my entire heart and also my soul 🥺 so does Kauri, come to think of it 🥺 and Jake 🥺 and Krista 🥺 and-

15) I FINISHED THE BAD ARC RECENTLY AND HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME. HOW DARE YOU DO SUCH A FANTASTIC JOB RIPPING MY HEART TO PIECES IN SUCH A BRILLIANT MANNER. HOW DARE YOU MAKE SOMETHING SO gOOD HURT SO BAD. HOW DARE-

16) Teach me to write pls you are a goddess of prose and I bow at your altar

17) HEY GUESS WHAT IT’S ANOTHER RANDOM BLURB WHERE I JUMP IN AND REMIND YOU THAT I LOVE YOU IN CASE YOU FORGOT WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT! YOU ARE FANTASTIC! YOU ARE SPLENDED! KIND! IMPORTANT! TRULY MAGNIFICENT!

18) never has someone ever managed to make me so worked up over a roomba, I swear to god I am more invested in Kiera’s well-being than I am in my own, PLEASE TELL ME MY FUNKY LITTLE VACUUM MAKES IT

19) Vincent! Shield! Breaks! My! Heart! Someone! Please! Help! Him! For! The! Love! Of! God! Please! Just that whole...kauri’s whole....and Owen and....😭 you have such good concepts and they break me to pieces and the (minimal though it is) comfort stitches it back together and ASHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

20) five more left! Five more left! Cause I can only fit 25 in! But there is! so much more! About the Ash! Of that I’m sure! Look out. Here comes the Ash love!

21) this is specifically a me thing, but in following some of the discourse that passes through your blog, I have learned a *lot* about the world, and about myself. I won’t give specifics, but you actually encouraged me to talk with someone, and secure a diagnosis that I’ve been holding off on for a long time. And it has opened up so many pathways, and helped me see the world in such a different light and I just. I can never really thank you enough for that?

22) I can never get enough of how amazing you are at flipping the usual narrative on its head, and drawing out such crucially important morals from it? God I just. Ash

23) you’re still here! You’re still going! The world is a crazy place, and the internet even crazier, but look at you! You’re here! In spite of it all, it’s still you! And I thank my lucky stars every day for it!

24) this is just a fun fact but you are one of (5) blogs I keep post notifications on for, constantly. Tumblr and I are very fickle friends, but I cannot tell you how much it gives me a little rush of glee (or terror or sorrow or fear depending on the content) whenever I get that little banner pop up on my phone and it says ASHINTHEAIRLIKESNOW POSTED:

25) Number twenty five is simply, truthfully, and completely that you are Ash! You are wonderful, and brilliant, and a light in a world that gets pretty dim, every now and then. Even when your light feels a little grey, never let it go out ❤️ you are loved, and you are so very special, and you deserve tenfold of the goodness you put out.

ANYWAY, IN CONCLUSION: WE LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK ASH!!!!!

Anon, I have no response that can possibly match what I was sent here. This was delightful and it made me feel the same way I felt when I first saw the ‘boom da yada’ commercial for the Discovery channel, which is to say... awesome. Thank youuuuuu for this list!

[peepingtoad]

OKAY SO. 

It’s not that often that I talk about what I really think about Jiraiya, and I guess I mean more how I feel about him, since I always try to write my ‘deeper’ headcanons/metas from a more... idk, trying not to get too emotional about it point of view. Basically it’s because I know how controversial he is, and I pretty much ritually avoid a lot of takes because I don’t want to get irritated about something that really doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme, because we’re all entitled to our opinions and I largely get my say through the act of writing and developing him how I see fit.

Which is enough for me, mostly, but for the purpose of reinforcing/building upon how I see my muse’s plight, working through some of my Sannin-feels and also to dip my toes into why I find blindly judgemental/single-faceted takes of him, his priorities and the Sannin’s bond so exasperating, I kinda feel like rambling my thoughts (feelings) anyway! 

Politely sticks this stream-of-consciousness mess under a cut.

So sometimes I do think about the fact that Jiraiya kinda, lmao, forgot about Everything Else in the world because of Orochimaru and his (frankly) obsession with him/them. And the fact that a ridiculously significant portion of bad shit that happened is down to his actions/inaction. And the fact that he really did go and leave the likes of Naruto (and maybe to a degree Kakashi, although there’s zero actual evidence he didn’t get involved given the strong indications of a great rapport in the canon), just because he was so hellbent on pursuing Orochimaru, who was not even shown to be affectionate towards him at the best of times. When I think about it in terms of Jiraiya being gone and the main reason we’re given for it, things suck for a number of people, and quite largely because of potentially unrequited/horribly communicated/obsessive JiraOro pursuits, in essence :’)

(And for all it’s still quite the rarepair, Jiraiya does express on accounts that he was destroyed when Oro left. I mean... this is the guy who rarely acknowledges his sadness so... It’s not my bias at all I sware)

Of course JiraTsu is very real in my eyes too, albeit a very different kinda tragic, as is OroTsu. And the messy poly ship? Ohohoho, even better, but... yeah. Tsunade does at least go her own way for a long time, as messed up as that is in itself, for reasons including the fact she seems to pointedly not heal or move on from her grief. And given the absolute debacle that was her and Jiraiya reuniting... and both her and Oro even discussing a possibility of sacrificing him... and just, them in general for that whole arc :’))) yeah. They are without a doubt messy and troubled, but even despite how fraught things become I genuinely think all the furtive expressions and the undercurrents of longing and the evasion of their past exhibits a history much deeper and full of lost love compared to many other team dynamics we get (otherwise the Three Way Divorce wouldn’t have been quite so horrible on them, would it? That and they’d probably have split up after Team Hiruzen was no more, if they really hated each other/just tolerated each other out of familiarity like I sometimes see speculated).

But yeah, back to our main man. Jiraiya’s intense (and frankly very Scorpio of him) love for our first series Big Bad kinda did ruin him and what he was setting out to do in some ways, to the degree that the actual story of Naruto wouldn’t be very much without him in terms of drama. I mean, he always loved a good story, right? So art imitates life, and innit just pathetic poetic.

And in so many ways it is incredibly tragic and pitiable that he’s Just Like That. Idealistic and warping everything terrible, no matter how bad, into adventure in his mind! As growth! As pain that makes you TOUGH and makes you a stronger man! As something to be pushed aside while you just keep on truckin’! Whatever anyone you love throws at you, it’s Totally Fine!

After so long narrating through his personal lens, I’ve come to realise he truly is so convinced that everything bad that happens, is sort of just... something he has to deal with and feel big and guilty and feelsy for while spinning it in ways that enable him to keep going. He just loads it on himself and sorta holds it. The fact he’s so sad and filled with sickly pining grief that he has to try and exorcise it with impulsive bouts of decadence? Fine. And it’s not abnormal at all, how he approaches things with such broad scope and just kinda... thoughtlessly wrecking-balls his way through everything he thinks is a great idea at the time. He experiences the fallout of these things and simultaneously feels the entire ravages of it acutely while compartmentalising it ever so neatly away. The crazy thing, too, is that he’s exceptionally convincing at making everything he does and how he handles things seem so grand and noble and romantic and tragic... but in a humorously self-deprecating and still ultimately very hopeful way, to the degree that I as a mun get caught up in his relentless optimism and forget he actually is a sad and heartbroken guy wrapped up in all this grandiosity.

Sometimes I do step back and look and I just think yeah, fuck, he really is a total disaster! He’s a walking disaster and he’s been so damaging to himself and others in so many ways, all because of acting on emotions and impulses without really thinking about the impact! He really did kinda give up on those who needed him and for what? A love that will never love him or prioritise him back? 

A wonderfully tragic theme that I do love with him, don’t get me wrong.

But then at the same time, there’s always more nuance to be had than just ‘he is a disaster and made bad choices, as tragic and romantic as it is, he was actually just selfish and kinda sucked in the end, pathetically whipped by his friends and unable to let go of what they had’. There’s more nuance to be had than reducing him to a purely romantically-inclined character, who just snubs everyone else for a doomed love... because in the end, I think a huge part of JiraOro’s demise in particular was that Oro felt immensely snubbed by Jiraiya when he stayed in Ame, when his loyalty to Konoha (as a place and people, not necessarily a system) and of course loyalty to his own ideals was prioritised over Oro.

To an extent, I feel like Tsunade could have been a similar case, were she not preoccupied with already having lost so much, and besides I really do think she and Jiraiya were quite firmly in best friend zone at that point. With Tsunade not being able to get comfortable around Jiraiya or to pursue any underlying affection for him because of the dumbass way he always behaved (understandably of her tbh), probably until she got with Dan, by which point I reckon Jiraiya started to really come through by showing how he valued her for her, where we see by them having each other’s backs so closely in the second war. Not to mention him generally respecting that his feelings for her have no place by the time he gets her back to Konoha.

In terms of that first split in Ame, Jiraiya, I feel, simply didn’t think him leaving was going to be a big deal, because the three were always fiercely headstrong people who had their own shit going on (simultaneously independent while also being, perhaps not to their knowledge, So Very Codependent). Not only that, but his overly affectionate ways and incessant jolliness were probably considered such a joke that he was basically like ‘they’ll be fine without me’. I certainly don’t think he felt needed by them, which I don’t think is their fault or a point of angst and ‘waaah poor blameless Jiraiya’, because quite honestly, the strain on their relationship was something I fully believe even he didn’t realise he needed out of at the time. His one-track mind was just on ‘save kids, teach kids, this is right, must seize opportunity to be the change I was told I’d be, not continue with this godforsaken war’

Selfish? Maybe. Well-intentioned? Certainly. Intended to hurt anyone or imply he stopped caring? No.

In essence, when it comes to why in the end Jiraiya seemed to be so horrendously bad at being around at the worst of times, at being responsible, whatever else (and I’m not even going to go into scenes intended to be comedic because, they are comedic)... I’ve got to look at it from more than just one view. It’s easy to say ‘he’s ridiculous and terrible because he pretty much flaked on what was important based on his whims/a doomed love/his dick’ (which I have seen said lmao) but there are so many other things at play here.

So I’m thinking, while he was shirking duties (godfatherly mainly)... did he actually consider that his most important duty? Was it anyone’s place to tell him it was? Minato didn’t, as I recall, and when he sacrificed himself he specifically left it to the Third because he (presumably) respected what his teacher was about and knew he wasn’t for staying put. Did Jiraiya not consider his primary duty to be to the prophecy, and in a more general sense fixing the big wrongs and trying to foil big dangers to his home? Were these things not pretty much what he existed for (as much as his faith wavered and went off the rails at times)? Was that not the main source of any real purpose he ever had, being a kid who showed practically no ambition before? Did he not pretty much redesign himself as being ‘from Mt. Myōboku’ rather than Konoha after two devastating wars, and thus is it not understandable for him not to focus solely on Konoha—not outright destroying it, still ultimately loyal to his home and not about to let anyone destroy it, but seeing that the world is in fact so much bigger than just his little town? Is that really something that’s so bad and wrong of him, in a story where the main cast’s country has a pretty fucking nasty system and is established to do so very early on? Is he not pretty revolutionary in his own brand of not blindly serving, but not going on a destroy-it-all frenzy either?

Also, was he not the only one who actually bothered to investigate Akatsuki and the forces that would see Naruto dead, in time? For all he did help bring Akatsuki into existence in ways, it was inevitable from before he even met the orphans that they were going to be groomed/moulded into what they became, regardless of whether Jiraiya came onto the scene. Jiraiya leaving them was just a different kind of suffering to what they were inevitably going to suffer anyway, and hell, with his influence at least there was a time where they might’ve stood a chance of going totally against Madara/Obito’s path, especially while Yahiko was still around. Jiraiya didn’t know that the whole thing with the Ame orphans was, by a design out of his control, doomed to end horribly. So while he felt personally responsible not knowing this, and it’s taken as a given that he was... actually, was he, when there was a master manipulator at play? Was it wrong to want to give some kids a chance?

With regards to all those things I see people say he should have stayed and fixed, that he should have been there, he should have done x y z... Is it not the responsibility of everyone not satisfied with their lot to step up to the plate and make where they live better? Jiraiya wasn’t the only adult. Tsunade, and I absolutely love her, does seem overwhelmingly to be absolved of leaving Konoha because... ??? Kicker is that she too is related to Naruto, of course. 

So... was she not also needed for the very material ways she could’ve helped at numerous points? Was she not also placing her grief and lost love before everything else? Are some reasons inherently more ok than others to ditch? As Kakashi’s generation grew up, was it not also then up to them to decide whether they’d change the status quo? Were Minato’s own generation, presumably his own peer group, not complicit in Naruto’s ostracisation? We got a slight taste of rebellion with Asuma, Hiruzen’s own son, but the fact is many Konoha-nin were overwhelmingly complacent with how things were. And yet never get demonised at all for it. Because it’s Jiraiya’s fault for... not staying and giving it all up to be a guardian who could well be depressed and unfit to raise a child... or just being a flaky as hell one that’s never there anyway because he has shit to do? (and in doing the former would let too many things go unchecked by a completely tuned-out Hokage, not gathering all that spicy useful intel, y’know... essentially he wouldn’t have ended up largely doing his job along with the personal shit in between).

Basically when I see claims saying that Jiraiya as an individual should have done pretty much everything better, and somehow been there for everyone that needed him at any given time, and that (mostly Naruto’s) suffering was a failing on Just His part because of his selfish whims... I feel like the point of his tragedy is absolutely missed. That tragedy being that barrelling through things alone is definitely a failing and harmful in numerous ways, as we see with Itachi shouldering everything alone too, and we see them both miss out on Naruto and Sasuke as a result... but at the same time, is just settling down and leaving everything else to chance not also a huge failing, when there are so many other circumstances and enemies acting against you, when you do have the power to change tides, and when so many other people refuse to or can’t seize their own agency? Jiraiya does put his faith in a lot of people too, and a lot of people fail. Don’t fail him, but in a general sense many, like Minato, fail to make the change they wanted to. That’s life in this world, it’s tragic, and after losing a lot of loved ones yeah, he retreats and goes at it alone. 

But how can he win? How does he do what’s right, other than by chasing what he thinks he can do to actually help the world, which happens to be bigger and not centred on individuals, even those he cares about?

(and remember, nobody knows Naruto is special-reincarnation-prophecy-boi, which is why I tend not to blame-game any characters for him being treated like so many orphans were because... while it’s not morally right or nice at all, it’s tone deaf to how the world is, to the fact all characters having different degrees of knowledge and priorities, and it’s insensitive of the fact most the characters had their own struggles and were just doing their best with a bad lot gdi). 

Hell though, Jiraiya even does put Oro, his big obsessive wild goose chase that whisks him away into selfish pining hopelessly devoted land, on the back burner at points. Maybe not in a lasting way, particularly by the last databook where he’s inspired anew by Naruto, but he does prioritise other shit on numerous occasions. And there’s a lot of shit to try and prioritise.

What I’m trying to say is, Jiraiya can’t solely be held responsible for people. Sure, he’s a character whose decisions were pivotal to events, but what of every other character in the story? Why are they not held to the same crazy high standard of doing and protecting and preventing and somehow doing everything ‘right’ that would have also meant him fitting neatly into the Konoha mould? Would other characters really have been that much better in the position of The Big Guide/Martyr/Tragic Hero/Force For Change character? And also is having a tragic Chaotic Good bastard of a hero not a sign of a damn good and interesting character, that at the very least tried where so many others didn’t? Would Naruto not have been a boring as hell story, whose main protag didn’t really have much conflict to make him compelling, without Jiraiya (among others) being a mess with the best intentions? Without so many other characters having failed him, for him to overcome it and still be able to love and inspire change (albeit through sometimes-clumsy talk-no-jutsu)? Was I missing the point of the story?

............. Hmm!

No longer sure where else I’m going with this now, so.... here, I guess, ends my ode to why character hate (especially that reduces them to One Thing) is dumb, why demonising truly well-meaning characters doesn’t feel particularly woke to me in a cast full of flawed characters and horrible circumstance, and why I’ll defend this poor bastard with far too damn much hinging on him to the end I guess :’)

TL;DR HE’S A DUMBASS AND HE TRIED, OKAY?!

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Women are Space Orcs

Alright ever one, been pretty excited to give you this one. I have a few female characters, including Sunny, that I thought deserve a little love. Plus I wanted to explore the dynamic between Sunny and other members of the crew. 

Its just supposed to be a fun little adventure, so nothing philosophical or anything :) 

Sunny walked beside Adam as he paced through the cargo bay checking off shipping manifests on his clipboard, checking and rechecking the equipment they would need for re-supply. They had stopped on the Tesraki home world for a much-needed rest and some recuperation. They would be here a couple days, so shore leave was in order for a night or two, a prospect the entire group was excited about considering what the Tesraki home world had become.

If the Tesraki and humans had one thing in common, it was their desire for a good time. It had probably been a horrible idea to introduce the Tesraki to the idea of gambling and casinos. Honestly it had probably been a bad idea to introduce the Tesraki to capitalism as it was, since they took to the idea like fish to water, but mistakes had been made and there was no turning back.

On the coattails of that debacle, the Tesraki;s home world had quickly transformed itself into the Vegas of the galaxy knowing, in true business fashion, that humans couldn’t resist debauchery and a good time. The sheer amount of revenue and inherent benefits that had come to them simply by way of human tourism had been astonishing, raising their planetary gross income to 7% more than any other planet in the GA system.

Commander Vir paused beside another pallet of cargo.

“Hey, SUNNY! SUNNY!.”

Sunny Turned her head in a wide arc searching for the voice and found a group of women standing next to one of the shuttle doors, each waving at her. She left Commander Vir out of curiosity and walked over.

Dr. Katie was there with a few women from engineering and a couple female marines. Maverick, a short female marine with buzzed blond hair and grey blue eyes greeted Sunny with a wolfish grin. “‘Bout time. I’ve been yelling at you for half a minute.” Sunny looked around the circle. It was strange seeing the marines in anything other than their usual uniforms. Maverick was wearing camouflage cargo pants, a black tank top and a pair of blue tinted sunglasses perched atop her short blond hair. Dr. Katie wore a form fitting black dress and pointy red shoes. Another marine had her warm strawberry blond hair curled down past her shoulders.

“Where are you guys going?” Sunny wondered. 

“Out on the town, where else. A couple of us decided to get together and go get wasted, or whatever trouble we can get into, maybe lose some money. We don’t know, yet.”

Sunny glanced back towards where the Commander was standing, still going through inventory. “Oh, well I don’t know if we were-”

“Oh come on, the two of you hang out all the time. I think it’s about time you got out more, besides we’re prettier.” The group laughed. Dr Katie flipped her hair and grinned at Maverick, “Well, except for Maverick, but we had to have an ugly one to make the rest of us look better.”

Maverick snorted and waved a hand, “Are you kidding me?” She motioned seductively, “Nothing can top ‘this’.”

“A sack of lard,” more laughter.

“Keep laughing ladies. You’re just jealous of my stunning physique. As I was saying though, seriously Sunny, you need to get out. The Commander has work to get done anyway and he's going to be boring for the next 48 hours.”

Sunny wavered on the edge of indecision as a pair of boots thudded on the ground next to her.

“What are you jackals trying to get sunny into?” 

Katie linked an arm through one of Sunny’s, “Girls night, and YOU aren’t invited.”

“Yeah only women or those who identify as such are allowed’” one of the engineers piped up from the back.

Commander Vir snorted, “Y’all better be glad I don’t identify as a woman,”striking a quick pose and flipping imaginary hair over his shoulder, “because I’d be the prettiest.”

“Yes, a beautiful monkey, sir.”

Jackie tilted her head, “You know, now that I think about it probably not the prettiest, or the smartest, or even the strongest. Bet Mav could crush you with her thighs if she wanted to, pop your head like a melon.”

He raised an eyebrow, “As fun as THAT sounds, I am afraid you might be right. You all are too much for my delicate sensibilities. I was actually coming over here to give you the pre-leave lecture.” He cleared his throat, “Don’t get pregnant, don't get anyone pregnant, don’t sell your body for money, don’t accept drinks from strangers, any bail, ransom, or parking tickets will be paid out of your monthly wages. Keep all debauchery, drunkenness, fighting and gambling to a minimum, and please for the love of Jupiter, try not to kill anyone.”

“Yes sir, I will try very hard not to get anyone pregnant,” there was laughter about the group.

The commander raised a hand, “It is 4023, so I am SURE you could find a way.”

“What if I get kidnapped Commander, can I hurt them then?”

“You wouldn’t need to hurt them Jackie. They would bring you back and I would make them pay ME ransom to take you back,” he tucked the clipboard under his arm and looked at Sunny. “Good luck with this group. Don’t die, and don’t kill anyone.”

She hadn’t exactly decided to go with them just yet, but it appeared as if that decision had been made for her. She waved a hand at the Commander who turned back to his earlier duties as the group of marines, engineers and one doctor stepped their way into the small shuttle. The strawberry blonde CJ was a passable pilot and took them down through the clouds with a loud whoop. Sunny’s stomach flew into her face reminding her rather unpleasantly of what she had had for breakfast.

Mav sat next to Katie opposite and over the roaring of entrance into the atmosphere Sunny heard bits of conversation. “I hate it when people assume that you have to choose one or the other. It’s the 41st century, if I want to play with big guns and explosives AND get my nails done afterwards, I am going to damn well do it. You’d have to be stupid to turn down either option, so I say, best of both worlds.”

Katie raised an eyebrow. 

The way the light cut across Mavrick’s arms and shoulders made it pretty clear she spent a good portion of her time at the gym.

Dr. Katie through a strand of hair over her shoulder, “Ok, yes I agree, but also at least be careful when you do that sort of thing. I have been a doctor long enough to know what degloving skin looks like, and yes it is exactly how it sounds. So please for the love of all that is holy BE CAREFUL. Personally, just give me a good book and a bag of chips and I’m set for the afternoon.”

“What genre?”

“Meh, whatever strikes my fancy. Mostly fantasy if I am being honest, sometimes romance hits the spot, but other times I can do for a western. It just depends on the day.”

Sunny tilted her head, listening intently. While she had spent a lot of time with the marines, she had never actually gotten to know them on a personal level and she barely knew the name of the women from the engineering and science departments.

If she was being honest, she didn’t really have much of a relationship with anyone, especially not women.

She never really had, considering her history with her mother.

She grew up spending most of her time with her brother and her father and eventually she had become such good friends with Adam that she had become rather short sighted with her other options aboard the crew. To be honest though, it didn’t much matter on her home world, so she couldn't imagine that it would be much different here. 

She couldn’t help but pipe in on the subject of weapons which turned into good natured banter between her and Mav who had some pretty strong opinions about the nature of projectile vs energy weapons. Though when it came to other subjects, she was a bit lost. The humans were an interesting race in that they enjoyed both their war and their relaxation in equal measure, so the topics they were discussing went heavily over Sunny’s head.

She got involved in a couple of conversations she probably could have done without. Humans were gross no matter which group of them you talked to. The only difference was this group of humans was more willing to share

The discussion on how to properly scratch a nipple in public was followed by a debate that included but was not limited to scratching in other unmentionable places, random overgrown hairs, body fluids, body smells and on and on.

Sunny turned the conversation back to music, something she was comfortable with. Mav liked punk, alternative, and hard rock, Dr. Katie was ok with anything as long as it was catchy. Jackie, the engineer, had a thing for country music, and CJ was some strange mix between classical and R&B it just depended on the day. The other women chimed in with their favorites and soon all genres were accounted for.

They were all laughing about something by the time they hit planet side and Sunny stepped from the shuttle, eyes wide as she turned in a circle talking in the bright neon lights and a million billboards shamelessly advertising for human tourists. Billboards hundreds of feet across showing pictures of half-naked models, both men and women, rose high into the sky.

The one sad thing about the future was that it hadn’t stopped the objectification of the human body, but had simply equalized the amount of objectification between the sexes, men and women in equal measure, because it was always easier to sell a product when you were really just selling sex instead.

The Terasaki certainly had no moral qualms about doing it either. It wasn’t their species after all.

CJ clapped her hands together throwing her strawberry blond curls over one shoulder, “Alright, we need a game plan.”

Mav eyed one of the billboards, “How about we start there?” she pointed.

The group of them turned to find an advertisement for nightly ring fighting, “It’s just like what I was saying, gotta go see someone get fucked up before I get my nails done, that's just how things should be. Plus twenty bucks says there will be alcohol for those of you who are less interested.” “Hey, I am down for anything as long as I get a massage later.”

Mav nodded, “Deal, I get to watch someone get the snot beaten out of them and you can get wasted. Everyone wins.” Sunny wasn’t entirely sure what she had expected, but she liked what she got. Sunny, Mav and CJ got seats just outside the ring while Jackie, Katie and a few others stormed the bar. Turns out CJ had a thing for yelling at the referee. Mav didn’t care what happened just as long as someone was getting punched in the face and Sunny, well Sunny loved it yelling and screaming with the rest of the humans as Drev and Humans alike beat the pulp out of each other.

Halfway through the night Sunny was interrupted 

“Hey,, HEY, Scarab.” Sunny turned around to find a large human looking at her from the aisle, “Why don’t you go stand with the rest of the Drev. I reserved these seats.” 

Sunny looked down at him, “Uh ... yeah, there’s room.”

“Let me talk slow since you don’t seem to speak good human, but you’re big and I don’t want your arms getting in the way of my view so why don’t you get lost.”

Sunny was ready to ignore him, but before she knew what was going on Mav and CJ were standing in front of her arms crossed, “The hell you say, you DON’T talk to our friend, bitch.”

The guy looked a bit nonplussed, but straightened himself up, “I told her to go sit with the other Drev.”

“I didn’t know these seats were segregated.” Mav shot back, “but if that’s the case, I think idiots are seated on the other side.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No, I’m not. Now either you can back up, or I can back you up.” Mav was right in his face now, but CJ put a hand on her arm warningly. It was human culture that the first person who threw a punch, whether man or woman, was opening up to a fair beating.

Sunny stood from her seat looming a good foot to two over her short companions glowering down at the man. She didn’t say anything. The man backed up a few steps.

“Aww….. little bitch gonna cry to mommie,” Mav taunted, much to the chagrin of CJ.

The guy’s face turn beet red, “If you weren’t-.”

“Here let me finish-”

 CJ grabbed Mav by the arm and pushed her back to her seat, “Down Mav.” She turned her eyes back to the guy “Look Imma make this as clear as I can. We aren't moving, so either you get over it and take a seat or you get the hell out. Pick your poison.”

The guy took his seat and shut up. Sunny couldn’t help making a point to step in front of him a few times blocking his view with her bulk. Mav got a kick out of her pettiness, but eventually they left to find Jackie, Katie and the others at the bar. Just a few drinks in and already they were coming up with stupid dance moves.

Grabbing them, they moved out of the bar and onto the street. It was leaning towards late evening, but managed to get themselves checked into a nice little spa hunched between two buildings, a bit out of the way and pushed back from the rest of civilization. Everything going on here was pretty foreign to Sunny.

The Drev had nothing comparable in their culture to this practice, and she watched in confusion as the other humans took their seats at strange tables. Mav was “getting her nails done,” pointing out that there was nothing better than a hand massage and anyone who disagreed could go right ahead and fight her. Katie had her feet soaking in a pool of hot water, while Jackie lay on her stomach on a strange flat table towel wrapped around her curly dark hair obscuring her face while her dark skin shone in the delicate white light overhead.

Water trickled somewhere in the distance, and the entire room was done in shades of white and pastel giving it a very un-Drev aesthetic.

It was an extreme 180 from the earlier venue and Sunny wasn’t entirely sure how to behave.

Eventually, someone came to her rescue as she was ordered to take a seat and relax by CJ, who determined she was in for a treat. Sunny had to admit the warm towel around her neck was nice and she hummed softly as her feet soaked in a pool of water. The human that walked in looked a little surprised to see her, but shrugged and got to work. It took a little more elbow grease to get through Sunny’s tough hyde, but when they managed it Sunny had to admit it was probably the best feeling she had ever experienced… in pretty much ever.

Mav snickered, snapping a picture of the big blue Drev, face covered in a green mask, cucumbers over her eyes, sprawled in a chair as one person messaged her huge neck muscles, one worked on the claws of her left upper hand, and another knelt at her feet.

Sunny was quite displeased when her time was up. She needed about an hour more work on her shoulder muscles and at least another ten minutes on each of her hands, but her time was up so they paid, leaving just as a few familiar faces walked in. Another group of tipsy marines, who made it very clear that they intended to get their feet done while they were here, were filing in.

Sunny found the image somewhat amusing, but was glad to see they were having fun and agreed with their decision. She had a new favorite pastime now and understood why they had chosen it. 

With that amazing ritual behind them, they went out to eat. The humans ordered a round of drinks and Sunny asked for some water, not actually capable of getting drunk in the same way that humans did. The berries and fruit that her species ate were often fermented when preserved, giving her species an extreme tolerance to ethanol such that it wasn’t even worth trying to get drunk since you would likely die of heightened liquid consumption before actually reaching the point of intoxication.

Humans on the other hand reached that threshold pretty quick. A few of them were a bit closer, having consumed a few drinks earlier in the day and were not yet totally down from that high. As the night grew on the conversation got louder, and much more interesting.

Dr. Katie raised her hands, “ok ok… you wanted to hear it so I’ll give it to you. I’ve worked in the ER for fifteen years plus trauma centers and other level one clinics and there is NOTHING I haven't seen, and I mean nothing.”

“Worst story,” Mav urged.

“No…. no, no, no, not at the dinner table,” begged one of the ladies.

Katie took a drink, “There was this one time I come into a room to check on a patient, and there is this guy with real shifty eyes and he can’t stop squirming. Real professional looking type right, so immediately I know he’s got something crammed up his ass.” The table burst into a fit of giggling. “So I go up to him and I ask him what’s wrong and he hems and haws and he's all like ‘Doc, I have some intestinal pain, a stomach ache,’ you know because of the thing he's got jammed in his ass.” More giggling. “So of course I ask him all the usual questions, where is the pain, is it something he ate, how long has this been going on, you know and the entire time I am just trying to figure out what he's got up there, because I KNOW he's got something up there, but of course he won’t admit it. We go around like this for like twenty minutes, right, and eventually I am just like send him down to radiology. If this guy won't give me a straight answer, I bet an X-ray will.” Sunny shook her head. “Low and behold, the x ray comes back and what does this guy have spelunking in his insides? None other than… a Barbie doll.” 

“No!”

“Yes, and he had thought about this, like, he had tied her arms down to her sides with rubber bands to make sure they stayed in place. So I go back in there, I look at him and I show him the X-rax and of course he plays it like I’m a moron. ‘Well doctor, I was cleaning my kids playroom, naked,’ as you do, ‘and I slipped and fell.’” Maverick snorted into her drink. “And of course I am like yeah sure, but why didn’t you tell me that when you came in, and you know what this sucker does? He Looks me dead in the eye and goes…I forgot.” 

The table erupted into laughter. CJ laughed and wiped her face with a napkin, “Now hold on, I got one. It was in boot camp.”

Mav rolled her eyes, “Oh no.”

“Oh yes, some of the guys had been clearing an abandoned hotel, as part of our training. I wasn't there at the time, but I guess while they were looking around they find this nine inch, monstrous rubber dong stuck to one of the walls. So of course they laugh it off right, and go back to what they were doing. Well, when they come back later, it isn’t there. Kind of weird, but whatever. At least whatever until this thing starts SHOWING UP around barracks. Like our Sergeant walks in one morning to do an inspection and we had all just gotten up right, so none of us were paying attention. She starts yelling at us like she does and then goes all quiet. She tilts her head one way and then the other. I swear I have never seen someone look so confused in their entire life and she’s all like, “What the fuck is that?” We all turned around to look and this thing is sitting in the middle of the damned floor and it just flopped to one side, and you know of course we can’t stop it so we just start laughing. The sergeant is trying not to laugh and everyone is trying not to laugh, but it just gets worse. When she could finally talk she just starts screaming at us, trying to figure out what the hell we had been doing the night before. I don’t think I’ve ever done so many pushups in my life.”

Jackie raised a hand just then, “No hey, I have always had a question for you guys about the whole boot camp thing. So what do you do when it’s your time of the month? I mean do they let you guys off easy to go fix things? Or do you just have to suffer?”

“Suffer,” Mav piped in. “Mostly suffer. Like I knew girls who would be bent doubled in pain and still had to stand in formation with us like it was nothing. I mean honestly the shit we had to go through. Seriously, there is nothing worse than standing in front of your sergeant and feeling half your innards just sort of shlop out of you and you have to look this guy in the eye like nothing is going on. Like yes sir, no sir, like insides aren’t totally falling out right now.”

Jakie moaned, “Tell me about it, cramps are the worst.” She glanced towards Dr. Katie, “Seriously, when is the medical field going to do something about that?”

Katie finished off her drink and set it back on the table with a thud, “You would think after more than 200,000 years of menstruation we would know how to fix cramps, but nope, the medical field still has no friggin clue how to deal with them. The general consensus is to throw an anti- inflammatory, a heating pad or a shit-ton load of chocolate at it and pray, but otherwise sucks to suck.”

Sunny looked between the group of them, “Cramps? Your insides falling out…er ... are you guys ok?” 

The group turned to look at her with incredulous looks on their faces, “You aren't serious?” Jackie asked.

Sunny stared at her blankly.

“You guys don’t have cramps, periods on your planet…like really?”

“Explain?”

Sunny wasn't entirely sure that she appreciated the explanation once it was over and shook her head vigorously, “EWWW no…. no,” she shivered. Battle sounded like a more amusing pastime.

“How does it work on your planet?” Katie wondered, the scientist in her taking over.

Sunny shifted awkwardly, “Well uh…we have a mating season. The female can become fertile twice a year. It’s during the dark season, so generally all the kits are born during or right before the bright season.”

“So, what? Do you guys just get really horny twice a year or something?”

“Er…. well no. Any time of year is fine but you are just more likely to get a kit during those times of year.”

“Uh huh, how interesting.” 

Sunny didn’t exactly see how it was all that interesting. She had never been caught in this sort of conversation, oddly enough. Adam had never asked so she had never been forced to answer the question. In fact, she learned more about humans in the last ten minutes than she had learned about humans in the last year she had been aboard the ship and not all of it was great.

One of the biggest things she learned was that humans get slightly strange the more they drank.

“Ok, Ok,” CJ slurred, “Hottest guy aboard the ship, go.”

“Ramirez,” Katie responded almost immediately. 

Mav snorted into her drink again, “Really….. no…. no way.”

“What, he's cute, I’d do him.”

Jackie raised her hands over her head, “I couldn’t tell you who the hottest guy on the ship is, but I CAN tell you who the hottest girl is.”

Mav didn’t bat an eye, “Well of course that would be me, like we even have to debate that subject.”

Jackie rolled her eyes and the rest of the table laughed, “Ha ha, your confidence never ceases to amaze, but you're not my type.”

Katie waved a hand, “Oh come on, I know you don't’ LIKE guys like that but you must be able to tell when one of them LOOKS nice . Come on, a shot in the dark.”

Jackie shrugged, but thought about it for a second, “Uh…. well, how about Adam, he’s good looking, right?”

The table thought about it for a moment. Mav tilted her head to the side thoughtfully, “Well I mean yeah he is, but he's also a super massive juvenile.”

CJ shrugged, “I don’t know, I think it's kind of cute.”

Katie waved a hand at all of them, “Not like it matters, because I have a couple of theories.” Sunny and the other’s looked on in interest, waiting, “I’m pretty sure he's: A into guys, B not into anyone or C a closeted extrial. There was some muttering from around the table, but Mav shook her head in disagreement.

“No, he’s too uncomfortable around women to like guys, and you can’t say he’s hiding it because he has no reason to. If he really liked guys he would be indifferent to women and awkward around men. If he wasn’t into anyone, he wouldn’t be nearly so awkward… however, I can probably get behind C.” 

Sunny did not noticed the glances pointed her way 

The conversation moved on to the hottest girl on the ship which sparked a furious debate despite Jackie being the only one that like girls. Turned out though that female humans had no issue discussing the perceived hotness or notness of other women. Nairobi down in engineering took the title with almost unanimous agreement.

That lead into the subject of who was the best looking DREV aboard the ship and once Sunny explained that height and carapace color were the most important outside factors mixed with fighting status, it turned into a rather entertaining debate as the humans tried to decide which Drev was the hottest while continuing to steadily drink. It finally devolved into a slurred argument between Cannon and another of their Drev members, Roc.

Sunny would have found the entire thing funny if it wasn’t also rather disturbing. Her vote was the tiebreaker which was obviously biased considering that Cannon was her brother and that was super weird, so of course Roc won the title.

The drunker they got, the worse they got, until the conversation was oscillating constantly between being mildly lewd and hilariously embarrassing stories that Sunny wouldn’t have admitted to in her wildest daydreams.

In the end, it was up to her and Mav, who also didn’t drink to get the other girls back to the shuttle. That was all before realizing that CJ was the only one who could fly the ship so they had no way of getting back on their own. In the end, they had to call for backup and a rather amused shuttle pilot showed up on scene to take the staggering party back to the ship.

Sunny wobbled onto the ship holding up two drunk women while Mav helped a third.

Together they collapsed onto some cargo containers laughing and slurring.

A shadow fell over them a moment later and Sunny looked up to find Commander Vir standing over them with a raised eyebrow, “Fun time, Ladies?”

A burst of giggling, “Yes sir,” Mav smirked. 

Katie almost fell off her seat, but Vir caught her by the arm, “Alright, to bed with the lot of you.”

Kate tried to wave him off but nearly fell over once more. “Krill is going to have a fit when he sees the state of you. Come on, let’s get you to bed to sleep it off.” He glanced over at Mav, “Get the rest of them back safe.” Mav saluted and Katie giggled drunkenly, but managed to make it to her feet and together they wandered off towards the medical bay where the medical staff usually slept.

Sunny also helped Mav get the other two to their quarters before retiring to her own room exhausted, but happy.

It had been a good day. She determined to do it more often.

[mousehole5000]

tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” -  i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

[riceccakes]

Earth, Wind, and Coffee: Chapter Three Analysis

chapter one analysis | chapter two analysis

back again for another chapter analysis. i think ive been looking forward to this chapter the most, it’s where some big decisions were made!!! this analysis is a long one, i hope that’s all right! i kinda got carried away. so, let’s dive right in, shall we?

some fun stuff before we start!

chapter three was supposed to be the last chapter of the fic

idk if any of you were there when i first started writing this fic, but it was only going to be three chapters with a possible epilogue. however, everything changed when i finished the end of chapter two. (lil atla reference there for ya) (sorry i know that was bad, moving on). like i said in my last analysis, i had an idea of what i wanted to happen (the separation of korrasami) so that they could come back together. it was just a matter of what separates them. so, i’m not sure where i got the panic attack idea but once i did, the rest of the story changed. i realized i couldn’t quite possibly finish the story in one chapter so i split the ideas i had and decided on it being four chapters

now, this being said, maaaaajor changes were made in my story outline. most notably: korrasami was going to be a couple in this chapter

this was originally going to be a full fledged “they meet, they get to know each other, they fall in love, happily every after” but the thing was, i planned on treating their romance as korra’s recovery; that being with asami is what made korra better, that all she needed was a partner, someone to love, and that is not what i wanted to portray with this story. i’ve never been a fan of stories that give a character a love interest and all of sudden their problems are fixed and they’re completely happy, and here i was about to do just that. i knew i’d never respect myself if i continued down this narrative, and when chapter two ended with korra’s panic attack, i realized her growth needed better love and attention. so, i changed what happened and gave her some therapy

this change in the storyline also let me explore more of kuvopal !!! (is that their ship name?)

so, back to LOVE WITCH for a second (because that glorious fic really did steal my heart) not only did it make me love kuvira’s character more, it also got me into the kuvopal relationship! and yet again, i wanted my own go at it. with the original timeline, there was just no space for me to include the lil bread crumbs of their relationship. however, however, however; by splitting the ending between two chapters (and adding some stuff in between) i was able to lay some foundation for them, which im very happy about :)

into the chapter we go:

let’s talk about the meeting! the whole reason this fic came to be! i’ll start by saying i always knew the project was going to get pulled out from under asami. 1) because thats some angsty/hurt shit right there and im a sucker for writing angst 2) i didn’t feel like creating a whole ass presentation because knowing my ass i would’ve made a powerpoint about it so i had every detail down to the font asami used and 3) getting the presentation taken away from asami was a pivotal point in her character arc.

i actually started the chapter in two different ways. at first, i’d written her whole entire morning with there always being one thing that was off. like, instead of a perfect omelette, it was going to split and asami would’ve had a scramble, still good, but not her favorite. instead of going through all green lights on her way to work, asami was gonna meet every. single. red. light. i would’ve gone through with this if it hadn’t felt strange; i wanted to give the impression that something bad was going to happen but i felt like having something go wrong with every thing in her morning was gonna be a dead give away that some even bigger big bad was about to happen, if that makes sense. so instead, i went with the picture perfect scenario, almost too perfect, if you ask me. and indeed, it was too perfect, because hiroshi was too much of a coward to tell his daughter any sooner that his board agreed to get a new presenter

im just gonna cite a bunch of my favorite lines/bits from this chapter because i really enjoyed writing it xD

Iroh has already begun but Asami hears no words, only a blaring ring in her ears. Her face feels hot and she wonders how red she is. She stares at the black binder, notes the natural grooves and curves of the material, the plastic covering over top of it, the metal spine peaking out at the bottom. She’s only brought out of it’s dark trance when she feels a hand be placed on her arm; Kuvira. 

when you’re upset, do you ever just, hyper focus on one thing and its like you’re analyzing it under a microscope for the first time? yes? no? well, i do that, and personally, i do because if i focus on my anger/hurt emotions any more, im going to explode and i dont want to explode. so, this instance about looking at the grooves in the binder and each of the components of it just hits with me, idk if does with you too, but like bruuh.

Asami has her hand over her mouth, silently sobbing, feeling as if she’ll throw up. She leans her head on her wheel, her mind wanders to what could’ve been, what should’ve been. She feels as if her car is closing in on her, that the metal is compacting. The seatbelt keeps her locked down to the driver’s seat and she can’t leave if she wants to. The Satomobile holds her hostage and she lets it. Even while it’s hurting her, even while it’s harshly molding itself onto her, she stays at her father’s heel because, what else is she to do?

this is one of my favorite things ive ever done with asami’s character, is using future industries/satomobiles as a sort of vehicle (heh) for her relationship with her dad. this paragraph just kind of hurts, but the good hurt? but also not good hurt? it’s just, (and not me over here boasting about my writing or anything) it’s so poetic that she has this breakdown and she’s so upset with her dad, i mean “what should’ve been” like, asami KNOWS that the shit that’s just happened is more than wrong, yet asami is still somehow wondering how she can please her dad and it’s in the literal legacy hiroshi built for himself. “she stays at her father’s heel because, what else is she to do?” i remember writing that and being like “shit, am i really gonna do this? yeah” ugh, i could go on forever about how i love this section, but i’ll stop here for now.

Asami begins yelling, screaming at the top of her lungs, letting all the thoughts, all the insecurities her father gave her finally be released into the world. Kuvira lets her, simply nodding and following along on the couch while Asami paces her living room. She spews out word after word, about the work, about the presentation, about Iroh, his position, her position, the company, the CEO, and she only stops when she feels the weight of her father rest on her shoulders.

back with more diction; i really love this paragraph because of how we circle back to hiroshi. note how i first say “the CEO” and then a few words later say “her father” because, in a way, this is asami’s confession that hiroshi is CEO first and father second, if i haven’t already explicitly said so. it’s so heart wrenching and sad but my favorite thing about it is this isn’t even about korra. like THIS right here is a prime example about how i realized this fic became more than just a love story. in the planning stages of this fic, asami was going to go through getting the presentation taken away from her, but what was she going to focus more on? the fact that korra wasn’t around anymore. and yes, asami still does think about korra after this, but so much more happens for her. asami gets to know kuvira more, asami gets to know her lab partners more, (and my personal hc is that they’ve all been lab partners for two years and only NOW asami is getting to be friends with them in their senior year, but hey, better late than never!) and to me, what’s even better, is that a bunch of realizations come to asami w/o korra being there. asami is growing and the idea of being able to grow without needing to have a partner in order to grow is so important to me, not only for the fact that growth should be endless and something you do all the time for yourself, but asami literally wants to share it with korra. not boast about changing and growing and becoming better, but just be better with korra. sdlfakds i swear, im fangirling over my own writing, oops

okay, moving on from The Meeting and onto the rest of the chapter

this dock scene was also another part i wrote beforehand and it had a completely different ending in that asami was going to ask korra out on a date. of course, korra would’ve said yes, and then yay yay happy ending. this didn’t happen and i’m glad it didn’t. in one version of this dock scene, asami was actually going to be upset with korra for disappearing, and even worse, mad that korra wasn’t there to comfort her after the presentation. oof, i know. so so glad i didn’t continue down that line, cause it is toxic, and my girls aren’t like that at all.

Once Korra’s eyes meet hers, Asami says, “That doesn’t mean you always have to be on your own.” She smiles at Korra, at the girl who’s turned her world upside down. Her hand remains on Korra’s cheek and she feels the girl sink into her palm. “I’ll be here for you, and it seems like Tenzin will be too, what with saying he was calling you more. And you have his family, and your own family, even though they’re away, they’re here to support you, we all are. You can still be strong and turn to other people for help. It takes great strength to ask for help and I know for a fact you’re strong enough, those bags of coffee beans were nothing for you.”

i like this line of dialogue here for a few reasons, mostly because asami is so soft and so right and the joke at the really helped lighten the mood but didn’t take away from what she’d just said before. i don’t have too much else about the Reunions section, though if you guys have any questions or anything you wanna point out, please do so! i think what i will say is that i tried to be as real and gentle with korra’s progression. i was so nitpicky about everything i wrote because i didn’t want to get any of it wrong or over dramatized or fake. recovery from anything is so important and it takes time and it’s not a straight line so i hope i did a good job with it the rest of the fic. 

moving on, i love the found family trope and this leads me into the next section, New Friends

when i think about this section, i like how soft it is, and i really enjoy the ending bits: korra recounting memories from the south, asami meeting tenzin. i think what i like about the end of this chapter is that, it kind of leaves the question: what’s next?

asami has grown, she’s changed, she sees the errors of her father’s ways but she’s not excusing them. korra has grown, she’s changing, she’s taken the first step in recovery. now it’s just a matter of, what happens with this growth now. and i really loved how i wrapped up the fic in the next and last chapter, so i hope you enjoy it too :))

honorable mentions:

there were a lot of changes in this chapter and one of them got changed twice! korra was gonna get a therapist but then i was like, we gotta get the krew together, and then i was like supppppoorttttt grouuuppppp, because lets be honest, all the krew has stuff they need to work through, and i know therapy isn’t for everyone, but mental health is so vital and important. asami is an advocate for therapy in the chapter but there are also other means to take care of yourself and your mental health and while i’ve never been to a support group, i understand finding comfort in knowing you’re not alone.

i guess what i’m trying to say is please take care of yourself and dont be afraid to lean on others. i know not everyone has the means to get a therapist/psychiatrist and i know that your friends aren’t made to only be your therapist. buuuut, don’t be afraid to reach out, there’s nothing wrong with needing help and support :)

anything i would’ve wanted to change?

honestly, i think the only thing i would’ve wanted to change was mako’s speech during the support group meeting. for me, it was a lil bit too poetically out of character. not to say i want to change the content, but rather the manner in which it’s presented. other than that though, i really loved writing this chapter :)

so this analysis was reeeaaaalllly long, i understand if not everyone made it to end. anyways, thanks so much for reading this analysis and the fic! once again, i’m very much open to questions and any comments, i love them very much! i’ll see you guys in the next analysis of the final chapter :)