#METATRON DID SOMETHING DUBIOUS WITH THAT COFFEE

[butchbarbie-psd]

Mark my words next season something really bad happens to ineffable beurocracy and aziracrow officially get together and live a peaceful life in South downs

[onceuponapuffin]

Fanatic Intervention Part 9!!

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You pound your way to the nearest bar, where everyone had agreed to meet. The three of them are standing around, talking over glasses of wine. Your hands are in fists, your nails digging into your palms as you approach. They acknowledge you as you enter their field of vision, but you say nothing. Instead, you beeline for Aziraphale, put your arms around him, and hang on for dear life. Sometimes you just need to hug an angel.

There’s a pause where Anathema says something about your aura, and then Aziraphale hugs you back.

Dear Reader, I’m not sure if it ever happened in your life, but for this Puffin there came a time when it was made very clear that wanting to be held or wanting to lean on another person in public was unacceptable (and, in fact, embarrassing) once you reached a certain age. And yet, we as humans are social creatures. The need to be held is a very normal response, especially after something particularly upsetting happens (like having the sanctity of washroom privacy violated, for example). Perhaps you’re not the kind of person who, out of nowhere, feels the desire to be held, but perhaps you know someone who is. And so, I would like to impress upon you the incredible difference it makes, the immeasurable relief it brings, to know that you have someone with you who will hold you back without question or comment. Just hold you, and wait.

Aziraphale makes it clear he intends to do just that.

“Take your time, dear,” he says gently. And so you do.

After a moment, the clink of a glass next to you makes you look up. Someone has given you a glass of the same wine everyone else has. You pull away and take a sip, feeling much calmer and very grateful.

“Thanks,” You say.

“Anytime,” Aziraphale replies.

“What happened?” Anathema asks.

Thus, you recount how Metatron trapped you in the washroom until he had said his peace. By the time you finish, there are three very angry faces around you. You feel validated enough to take another, much larger, sip of the wine. Aziraphale is the first to speak.

“Well for starters, I invite you to stay in my bookshop however long you like. Pet indeed! You are a help, yes, but you are a guest, and certainly not disposable, whatever he says.”

“And,” Crowley adds, “From what you said, Aziraphale and I can get you home whenever you want anyway. Probably, I mean. No dUbIOus motives involved, at least.”

Anathema seems to be thinking. After another few seconds, she asks:

“Why did you take the coffee?”

You all look at her, surprised.

“Well I mean,” she continues, “If the Metatron wants to know, he probably has a reason. If you tell us, maybe we can figure it out for ourselves and find a way around it.”

“Or they could just not tell him,” Crowley suggests with snark. “Then it doesn’t matter.”

“I mean, it might,” Anathema counters, “We don’t know that it doesn’t.”

“I took it because of the Coffee Theory,” You say with a shrug. It’s not like it’s a big deal. “But I mean, I don’t know why that would matter to him.”

“Well,” Anathema says, “That might depend on what the Coffee Theory is.”

“Well, it’s the idea that the Metatron did something to that coffee he was going to give Aziraphale. To, like, make Aziraphale trust him, or listen to him or whatever, so that he would go back to Heaven.” You pause. “There’s also an interpretation of it where it was a metaphor like ‘take my offer or face death.’ But most people think about the first one, and that’s the one that was in my brain when I did it. There aren’t a lot of people who actually believe it. I mean, not anymore, anyway.”

“So you think the Metatron drugged Aziraphale’s coffee?” Anathema raises an eyebrow. “And you drank it, yes? So...did he?”

“No,” You reply, “It was exactly what it was supposed to be. An oat milk latte with almond syrup. And I didn’t think he actually messed with it. I just wasn’t willing to take the chance, that’s all.”

Crowley’s face scrunches. “And you think he might need to know that for some reason?” He looks pointedly at Anathema.

“He might,” She gives a thoughtful hum. “I’ll think about it. I might ask the Cards later.”

-----------

The wait for boarding didn’t feel so long after that. As you board, you notice how spacious First Class is. Aziraphale and Crowley sit in the seats ahead of you and Anathema, with Aziraphale in the window seat. You notice Crowley casually trying to stick his legs out into the aisle and wonder vaguely whether it’s because he needs the space, or to try and trip the flight attendants. Both? Probably both. Okay, definitely both, you note, as a stewardess almost falls face-first into the aisle. Aziraphale gently swats at Crowley in reprimand, but you can tell it’s half-hearted and wholly-fond.

Your only trouble comes when you need to use the washroom, but Anathema, ever clever and aura-observant, suggests to go with you so that you can knock if anything goes wrong. Thankfully, nothing does, and you both return to your seats.

“You know,” Anathema says, leaning forward, “I just overheard the strangest thing. It seems that all of the normal airline food on this plane has gone missing. All that they have to serve is the first-class food.”

“Wait,” You say, holding back a laugh, “So everyone on this flight gets to eat the fancy, chef-prepared, gourmet meals?”

Crowley doesn’t hold back his laugh. “Oh, the big bosses won’t like that!”

“You two wouldn’t have had anything to do with that, would you?” Anathema asks suspiciously. You notice she’s smiling while she says it.

“Psh!” Crowley waves away the thought. “Why would I? Doesn’t matter to me either way.”

“Honestly, Miss Device,” Aziraphale adds, “I have no idea why you immediately accuse us of something that seems so clearly to be a mere...clerical error.”

Ah-ha! Culprit found. Clerical error your arse.

“You know,” You sigh, “It really is no wonder why Crowley loves you so much.”

“Ngk,” says Crowley. Aziraphale responds with a pleased-sounding hum. You relax, and notice between the seats that Aziraphale places his hand on top of Crowley’s and leaves it there.

They like holding hands – your insides scream.

--------

When you disembark from the plane, you hear all the other passengers around you complimenting the flight attendants on the excellent food and promising to leave excellent reviews online. You keep your laughter as quiet as you can. Aziraphale’s little prank is going to cause the airline issues for YEARS. Crowley must be so proud.

The speed and ease with which you clear customs and baggage claim is probably because you’re traveling with two supernatural entities. In no time at all, you’re outside of the airport flagging down a cab. Crowley opens the door with enthusiasm and outright glee.

“After you, Angel,” he says, “You think 90 miles an hour in London is bad, I can’t wait for you to see this!”

Dear Reader, I don’t know if you have ever been to New York City, but I assure you that Crowley’s driving has nothing on the NYC cabbies. Aziraphale spends the entire drive trying to hold on to something and taking deep breaths as the cab violently jerks to a stop millimeters from the car in front. You suggest he close his eyes. He does. It doesn’t seem to help.

-------

The taxi lets you out in front of The Ritz. Because of course you’re staying at The Ritz. Aziraphale goes to check in while Crowley tells Anathema he needs the washroom, and mutters to you that he wants to empty all the soap dispensers. You try so hard to hold in your laughter that it comes out your nose anyway. The demon flashes you a cheeky grin before disappearing around the corner. Anathema looks at you.

“Probably been a while since he had a fresh audience,” You say to her. She chuckles.

“And you’re so obliging too. No doubt he’s having a great time with all this.”

“Hey, Anathema,” You begin uncertainly, “How...I mean...I’m just worried about...things. How are we going to find Jesus anyway? I just...I don’t really have anymore information to give. I don’t even know if he’s going to be a baby or an adult this time.”

“Hm...” Anathema thinks for a minute, “Well, I’m going to try and get some readings, see if I can get some kind of direction for us to go in. It’s a big country, but what I’m hoping is that it will sort of work like dowsing.”

“Dowsing? Like looking for water with sticks?”

“Sort of. In a nutshell, you pay attention to the vibrations in the Earth, and the closer you get, the stronger the vibrations become. It makes sense to think that Jesus would make pretty noticeable vibrations. That’s my working hypothesis anyway.”

You nod. That will do for now. Aziraphale and Crowley both return, with the demon wiping his hands on his trousers, and the four of you take the elevator to your room.

The Royal Suite.

“Are...you….serious??” Anathema asks. Honestly, you’re too stunned looking around the enormous suite with four bedrooms to say anything. It’s bigger than most houses. You take out your phone and start taking pictures.

“Well, if we’re going to stay at The Ritz,” Aziraphale says cheerfully, pronouncing the capital letters, “Best to do it Properly.”

“But this is ridiculous!”

Aziraphale isn’t paying attention anymore. He’s gone to tell Crowley not to draw mustaches on the expensive artwork.

“Unlimited resources,” You say to her, “Make for expensive taste.”

“No, kidding,” she sighs, “I’m glad you’re here. I’m gonna need some help with these two.”

Ha, You think to yourself, I knew it.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 🖤

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^ If you want to see JUST how ridiculous the royal suite is.

[shirtlesssammy]

13x06: Tombstone

Then:

Uncontrollable Sobbing

Now:

Where the fuck is our TFW reunion? Dean and a local lawman from Dodge City, Kansas are hunting something at night in a graveyard, when the sarge gets sucked underground by some particularly strong grabby hands. 

48 Hours Earlier

Dean and Cas are reunited and all is right in the world. (Sam. Sam is here too.) Dean asks Cas if it’s really him. Cas admits to annoying an ancient cosmic being into sending him back to Earth. Sam mumbles something about not knowing what to say, but Dean’s got this one.

“Welcome home, pal.” And Dean gives Cas a big hug ---and oh my, his face journey when he hugs Cas. What the fuck, Dean!? I know you’re in shock, but don’t pal-zone the dude. Your face is a menace.

(Sam. Sam is here too --and he gets a hug in as well.)

Cas asks how long he was gone (all calculations seem to indicate ~a month), and Dean responds, “Too damn long.” Like, when Cas finds out how long it really was, he better call Dean out on how dramatic that is. He tells the brothers that he was in the Empty. Sam surmises that Jack did something to wake him.

<Insert Fanfiction Gap where TFW discuss Cas’s new outfit, what serious pain Dean’s been in lately, the absence of Mary, and Jack not needing all those diapers after all.>

At the bunker, there’s a heartfelt meeting/reunion of Jack and Cas. This third Cas hug was really emotional for me, guys.

Jack is eager to prove to his new family that he’s studying hard, moving pencils with his mind, and finding cases to work. If he wasn’t so fucking cute, I’d have my supernatural sensors pinging right now. He wants so desperately to be good, but the more he learns about his powers, the more he’ll use them. We’re only at episode 6 --there’s a whole lot of time for him to go dark side. Jack lets the team know that “the dead are rising in Dodge City, Kansas.” Nerd Dean makes an appearance. And much to Sam and Cas’s reluctance, they decide to check it out. Off to the Stampede Motel and RV Park!

Dean books the best room in the joint (but only two beds for four grown men, smh). 

And Dean Bean really nerds out about all the western gunmen on the wall. (Sam. Sam is here too --wondering why he can’t enjoy serial killer trivia.) Also, I just about died watching Tactile!Dean touch the bison’s nose. 

While Dean and Sam prepare to crash for the night, Cas and Jack bond over not sleeping.

Dean opens the closet door to discuss how getting Cas back is a “pretty, damn big win.” Sam’s happy he’s happy, but his Dimples of Knowledge™ indicate he knows it’s more than that. And he closes the closet, conversation over.

Meanwhile, Deputy Kyle pulls over a stolen truck, only to be dragged under the vehicle for his efforts.

Later that night, Dean gets his first real good night of sleep in a month, while Cas and Jack talk about all that’s happened to Jack. Jack is just such a nougat-face wondering about heaven (angels are dicks, Jack.) They talk about Kelly, and Cas apologizes for not being there for Jack from the beginning. “Kelly would be so proud of you,” Cas assures his mini-me. It’s then that Jack sees the latest law enforcement development and runs to tell Sam and Dean. Cas, who’s watched Dean wake up angry so many times he’s lost count, runs to stop Jack from making the most egregious error, but is too late. Dean pulls his gun on him (thankfully Jack doesn’t blast him with nephilim power, right?), and then asks for someone *cough*Cas*cough* to make him coffee. 

After finding out that the deputy was found with bite marks all over, Sam and Jack decide to hit up the local graveyard while Cas and Dean check out the crime scene. After Dean’s coffee break, of course.

Classic Scene Alert

Dean and Cas pull up to the crime scene. Holy Hell, guys. I could watch this on repeat forever.

Dean bought Cas a cowboy hat --only it’s a straw hat!

Dean fixes said hat to look better, but Cas is dubious of that correction.

Cas touched Baby’s rearview mirror and lives to to see another day.

Dean is hella excited to act like he’s in the movie Tombstone.

Cas is Dean’s ‘Huckleberry”, i.e. man he’s been looking for.

Dean makes Cas watch movies with him.

Dean closes his eyes and swallows very dramatically when Cas lowers his voice and quotes Tombstone. (I don’t make the rules, that’s just canon.)

Dean is glad to have his angel back and his voice breaks when he says “Cas”.

<Insert dramatic exit from car set to the Steve Miller Band’s Space Cowboy.>

I have to admit, I’m not the biggest Steve Miller Band fan, so I was a bit meh when I first heard this, but after watching this scene a couple hundred dozen times, I’m cool with it. It’s certainly not their most played song and it’s jangly fun for the scene. I loved the record scratch at the end. And Cas’s “Howdy partner” and “Much obliged”? JFC.

Dean Agent Russell, and his associate, Cas Val Kilmer, meet with Sergeant Phillips about the victim. Turns out to be his nephew, and he’s wondering why the Texas Rangers are this far north. Dean rolls with his new role.

At the undertakers, rockabilly Athena is preparing a body for embalming while wearing noise cancelling headphones. She doesn’t hear Sam and Jack Agent’s Elliott and Paxton approach. Athena doubts Jack’s age (aww, remember when Sam was so young people doubted that he was an FBI agent? They grow up so fast.) Sam and Athena make a brief connection over Amanda Palmer and Jack fucks up and asks about cold spots. (He’s trying so hard. PROTECT.) 

At the grave, Sam finds a gnawed on hip bone. They’re dealing with a ghoul!

TFW 2.0 wonders if Athena is the ghoul, but quickly dismiss that idea. Athena, meanwhile, is busy at work, and busy being followed by a shadowy figure. Dean figures it out that they’re looking for Dave Mather, cowboy and outlaw and someone who’s been dead since 1886, “which makes this a little weird.”       

Athena’s mysterious stalker is Dave! It seems that Athena was accepted to a prestigious make-up school in LA. Dave is less than impressed. Athena spills the beans on the FBI visit, alerting Dave.

After Jack pieces it together that Dave is Athena’s boyfriend, they head out to the mortuary, looking for Dave.

Dave is busy robbing a bank.

Team Free Will 2.0 heads to the bank to stop him. They confirm that Dave is, in fact, a ghoul who's been chomping on ole Dave for a long time now. A regular Western-style shootout begins. Cas tells Jack to stay hidden but Jack's full of confidence now. He rushes out and gets shot full of lead for his trouble. But Jack's unperturbed by this. He holds up his hand and does a power blast, throwing both Dave and the bank guard violently backwards.

Dave falls to the ground but the bank guard gets knocked against a concrete pillar. When he falls to ground, he falls down dead, presumably killed instantly as soon as his head hit the pillar. Dave escapes on foot with Dean in pursuit while everyone else checks on the guard. Dean loses Dave (curse you, stray automobile!) and heads back to the crime scene where Jack is looking with horror on the dead guard who Castiel tries and fails to resurrect. This seems like a low power moment for Cas, but here's my headcanon. Cas could revive the body but the guard's soul already moved on. Since he isn't welcome in Heaven these days, Cas couldn't head up and retrieve his soul. You may say to me. Natasha. How do you explain Gadreel then HUH? To that I simply say that Cas and Charlie's souls hadn't moved on yet. (I also accept the more popular headcanon that Cas will never be max power again now that some of his grace was destroyed by Metatron’s spell.)

Anyway, the guard is irrevocably dead. They all head back to the hotel to figure out their next step.

We cut to the hotel where the camera closes in on Jack with an actual thunderclap sound effect. Yesss yes give me your heavy handed audio cues. Cas asks if it's happened before (and I'm getting some serious parent/teacher conference vibes here.) But it doesn’t really matter, does it? Because there’s a dead man in town and the police are gonna be sniffing around. Dean sends Cas and Sam home with Jack while he stays to take care of the ghoul.

Back at the mortuary, Dave stumbles in on Athena. He's bleeding, aggressive, and he's got a bag full of stolen money. He confesses to robbing graves for quick cash and a bank for mega cash. Athena hears all this, puts two and two together, and realizes that he killed the officer. Dave protests that the murder was okay because he “had it coming.” He grips her tightly and tells her that she should stick with him because he'll protect her. It's all very...UGH. Athena tells him that she'll never stay with him and I'm honestly fearing for her life right now. Because telling him she's leaving him will only lead to him rage-killing her, right? A car pulls up outside, interrupting Dave in what just might have been the knick of time.

We jump to outside the mortuary. It's the Sergeant, quickly followed by Dean! They greet each other laconically. “You here to shoot down a gosh durn monster?” “Yep.” They stalk through the cemetery and separate to flush out Dave when a hole opens up in the ground (yes, we're looping back to the opening scene) and swallows up the Sergeant. Dean rushes to the hole. It's deep and dark and Dean, bless him, hesitates at the lip of the sinkhole.

“Mmm mmm. Nope, I don't wanna,” he says and I one hundred percent back him up on this opinion. Going face first into a tiny crawl hole is the stuff of nightmares. To his credit, however, in he goes. He crawls through on his belly, shotgun in hand.

Back in the Impala, Sam and Cas try to make Jack feel better. “I've killed people who didn't deserve it,” Cas tells him. “My friends. I killed people I loved. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier...with time it hurts less but that would be a lie.” Jack ain't buying it and honestly...neither am I. I'm not convinced that telling newborn Jack that his role model isn't such a role model is the best strategy in this case. But ANYway. Cas tries to convince him that what happened was a mistake and he can still improve. “I have to believe it,” Cas says. And...AAAW CAS <3 Always swimming towards faith in something better. (High fives the Empty for drop-kicking him back to us.)

Jack is JUST DONE.

Dean finally crawls to the end of the tunnel and ends up in the undertaker's basement. He finds Athena tied up down there and the Sergeant injured but alive. A gun snicks behind Dean and he turns around to find the last player in the drama: Ghoul Dave.

Dave's wearing his cowboy hat (because why not) and orders Dean to hold his hands up high. Dave hits peak about-to-get-his-comeuppance smug, describing how he's going to kill Dean, when Dean steps aside revealing the Sergeant holding a shotgun. The Sergeant fires a carefully aimed round and takes off Dave's entire head. The blood cannon splatters across Athena's crisp, white shirt in what Boris described as cleverly staged costuming. “Happy trails, cowboy,” Dean says to the headless body.

Dean heads back to the bunker, gives the victory report, and tells Sam that he took care of covering up Jack's accident. This makes Jack angry. He's not ready to accept forgiveness and he's frustrated that everyone tells him to move on. He shouts and Sam backs away with his hands in the air. Jack recognizes their fear. “Maybe I'm just another monster,” Jack theorizes. To everyone's surprise, Dean disagrees. He's no more monster than Sam, Dean, or Cas. Jack, to his credit, doesn't think this is exactly a winning argument. Jack decides to leave so he doesn't hurt anyone else. He power blasts them all to the floor and then flaps out of the bunker.

QuoteBack Mountain:

I do.

Two salty hunters, one half-angel kid, and a dude that just came back from the dead again. Team Free Will 2.0.

He really likes cowboys

I told you, he’s an angry sleeper, like a bear.

My name is Val Kilmer.

I’m gonna get my boots on.

Tell her that the guy she's banging eats dad people and we gotta kill him.

Sure, come to Dodge City. We'll have some laughs.

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