#OH THATD A THING? THAGS A FUVKING THING? OKAYYY SIGN ME THE FUCK UP BABY

[soullessjack]

when you don’t know who you are and you think you’re human and normal until you find out you’re not human, not normal, you’re something else entirely and whatever idea you had about yourself was fucking wrong and you can do weird unnatural things that scare you and aren’t fully controllable yet. and you just want to understand yourself and control yourself so you don’t hurt anyone and can still be the person you think you are instead whatever the truth holds for you.

and you try and use this weird new truth about yourself to try and do good and help the world you were born in and come to love so much and you’re like a hero you wanna be a hero. but the world doesn’t love you back or see you as a hero, it hates you. it doesn’t believe you’re a hero. it doesn’t know what you are , it doesn’t know why you’re here , it demands that you answer the same questions you’ve had your whole life

and instead of finding the answer you find something else . You find a way to do good and be loved and accepted and feel normal despite yourself and you think you’ve found a foothold you think you’ve found understanding at long last . You think you belong snd you think This Is Who You Are until it’s ripped the fuck away from you when finally you learn the truth you’ve been fearing yet searching so hard for. you finally have answers to the lifelong questions of who are you what are you really where do you come from and boom. You’re not a hero . You’re the very threat and danger that the world kept saying you were, kept hurting you because they thought you were.

Every single weird thing you can do has a purpose to destroy and kill and you are born to be a weapon and you can never love anything. Or be loved in return because what you are is a weapon a monster a freak a thing that should not be a thing that will never belong and is fundamentally unlovable . And you’re sorry that’s what you are. You’re so sorry that’s what you are and you hate that it’s the truth and you wish you could go back to not knowing anything at all and you wish you could stop being this fucking Thing but you can’t because it’s in your fucking blood and your DNA and your double helixes and your flesh and nerves and everything.

Your entire body and being and existence and core is made for something horrible and evil and you hate it but you can’t do anything about it except say you’re sorry and offer yourself to the gun or the altar because you still. At the point where you’ve relegated yourself to only being this thing, you still don’t want to, . The last good thing you can do at this point is let yourself die and spare the world from your own inescapable inherent biological ruinousness.