#Or not even that. Just how straight up forgotten her character‚ her goals‚ sacrifices and ambitions were

[jacksintention]

.

[otakween]

I’m Standing on a Million Lives - Volume 13

Woah, it's been almost an entire year since I read volume 12...oopsies. Luckily, volume 14 comes out at the end of this month, so at least I can get two volumes without a giant hiatus.

Also, heck yeah! Fatina's on the cover :D

Ch. 60

-This was a politics and battle strategy chapter. The explanation of how the 1% ruin everything for everyone sounded verrry familiar.

-Malita's arc is very weird. Also, she low-key high-key feels like an Attack on rip-off with her design. Kinda expecting her to either go out in a blaze of glory (self-sacrifice) or be mercy killed by the end of this arc.

-Yuusuke shows back up at the end of this chapter, because god forbid we go any longer without the main character! This series actually feels pretty different when you take the teens out of it. Less isekai nonsense and more just straight fantasy (well duh)

Ch. 61

-I've probably already complained about this at some point, but I really don't like the naming sense of this series. "Jangani," "Cathean," "Vikie." I don't know how to explain it but some fake fantasy names just work and these don't. They feel very "scrabble letters thrown at the wall."

-Yuusuke comes back to life and immediately goes on an edgy rant about how smart he is and how that's going to be his downfall. Ignoring the humble brag, I do kinda get what he was going for. He was basically saying that a lot of book smart people don't feel the need to rely on others so they isolate themselves and "die out" (like the Neanderthals apparently). The idea that Homo Sapiens survived due to their social nature and reliance on others was interesting, I've never heard it put that way before. His rant seemed to boil down to being frustrated with not having any street/social-emotional smarts, which I can definitely relate to.

-Not sure what Yuusuke's goal is at this point. It kinda seems like he's growing away from his "I want to kill humanity" aspirations, but it's not super clear...

-It was pretty brief, but I enjoyed the Fatina vs. Oku battle. It was nice that Oku got to die as his true self and Fatina got to inherit his battle to fight the dragons. That's kind of like revenge for Oku in a way.

Ch. 62

-Oop. I was wrong. Yuusuke is still very much into his "kill humanity" plan lol.

-Yuusuke pretending to be nice to Futashige was pretty brutal lol. At least it gave Futashige some tiny inkling of joy in his miserable life.

-And suddenly we're in a court case. It's kinda a fun idea to have a real battle and a legal battle going on at the same time. Really shows how the work is distributed amongst the players too.

-Fatina's owl is adorable in sleep-mode

Ch. 63

-I thought this chapter was really good. 100% politics + economics mode with some real world stuff tossed in for good measure. I was thinking "why does this feel so American??" when they were like "this is based on America btw lol" in an aside. Basically all about the wealth hoarding of the 1%. I didn't expect them to throw in the bit about the internet destroying everyone's mental health and Idiocracy-style eugenics.

-Basma literally reminds me of Elon Musk with his "lol you should just try not being poor" attitude. It almost hits too close to home, but it's also cathartic cuz I know the good guys will win. Futashige is the perfect hero for this arc since he's repping the downtrodden working class.

-Mangaka is based for anti-capitalist sentiments. Makes me curious to know more about him. I feel like you don't hear takes like this too often in anime/manga

-There were parts of the trial that I unfortunately think would have hit harder had I not read the last volume a whole year ago lol. I've definitely forgotten some things. (Like what the decree even is)

Ch. 64

-I always appreciate it when the mangaka goes into a lengthy description of the strategy used to defeat the boss. This is a very brains-over-brawns series. Although straight up action has its place, it can get pretty boring after awhile.

-I'm a bit skeptical about the "if you remove the stomach lining the acid will disintegrate everything!" logic. I mean sure, it would do damage, but I dunno if stomach acid is really that OP. (Well, it is a fantasy creature, so whatever).

-We get that Ace Attorney moment where the perpetrator finally snaps and the gang clears the mission (what was that again? lol)

This volume felt super short for some reason! I guess because it was pretty fast paced. Guess we'll wrap up this arc in the next volume, so it will be interesting to see where things go next. Hope we get more real world time in-between.

[sohin-ace]

Jojo Drabble - Jotaro (Pride Month Special)

It's the end of Pride Month, and I haven't seen a single, not a single post about Aro/Aces...

I'm not really surprised. At all.

I'm linking some interesting videos and websites to help you understand this sexual orientation.

Asexuality: The invisible Orientation by Hippie Calico

I spent a day with Asexuals by Anthony Padilla

Asexuality by David Jay

Asexuality.org (available in 16 languages)

R/aaaacccccce on Reddit

R/asexuality on Reddit

(Both subreddits are very cute and full of funny memes and good positivity 💜🖤)

In regards to the visibility of this marginal and forgotten sexuality, I'll be making a drabble about it. With the only openly Aro/Ace character of Jojo that I know of.

※ Jojo Scenario • Jotaro - Ace to Ace

You opened the heavy metallic door leading to the rooftop, the loud clank and dry screech making you cringe. Hopefully the sound wouldn't alert the teachers or the class reps. After all, nobody was allowed on the roof. Especially during class hours.

You walked around, searching for a certain someone and, surely enough, the boy in question was there, just where you expected him to be.

"Man, you sure love to ditch, don't you?"

You chuckled and the male didn't even spare you a glance, his hat effectively shielding his face from the Spring sun as he laid leisurely on the floor, his arms pillowing his head.

"I could say the same to you."

Well, he wasn't wrong, you thought to yourself, but you would never admit it out loud and possibly give this smug man reason.

You slowly and carefully sat down next to him, groaning slightly at the painful difficulty of the usually simple task.

Jotaro perked up slightly at your discomfort, making sure you were alright. Thankfully you seemed alright and he relaxed.

"Yare yare daze, you shouldn't have come. You're still recovering, why are you walking flights of stairs now?"

That's right. You were still under medication and strict medical supervision for your quite severe stomach wounds. And you still weren't used to your prosthetic leg just yet.

It was purely a miracle that you managed to survive that fight against Dio, and you never ever took a second of your life for granted after that, thinking of the friends who didn't have the same chance as you, lost forever during that battle.

You looked down at your uniform skirt. You couldn't think about that now. You had to lift up the mood for Jotaro, and for them.

"Hey, I'm fine." You dismissed with a smile, "It doesn't even hurt that much anymore, it's been a while now." You reassured and he only mumbled his catchphrase again, laying back down.

You two kept each other company in comfortable silence. Despite everything, Jotaro was still taciturn and you were much calmer after all that happened the past few months.

It was already the end of the school year and your thoughts drifted to the future that awaited you, and what it had to possibly offer.

"Say, Jotaro..." You softly grasped his attention and he only hummed in response. "What do you think will happen next? After we graduate, I mean..."

"Hmm?" He opened a curious blue eye at you." ...Go to college or get a job. Or both. What else do you want to do?"

"Ah well..." You paused and thought of your next words. "I don't want to but... Guess I'll have to get married and stuff eventually... Have kids, cook for my husband, things like that you know..."

Jotaro clicked his tongue and scoffed at the disgusting idea. "...Bullshit."

"I know..." You sighed and looked back down at the male, only to see him stare at the now more covered sky, his usual glare softer on his face. You knew what he was thinking.

"Jotaro..." You called and he looked at you. "You're the same as me... Right?"

He didn't say anything, but his eyes spoke answers for him. You may not have known him for very long, but the adventures and experiences you lived with him were worth much more than years of friendship.

He huffed and closed his eyes. "Yare yare daze... Why are you talking about depressing things, now?"

"I mean... Can you blame me for being worried? I know you feel the exact same, Jotaro." You brought your knees up to your chest and stared ahead. "You'll have to get through the same thing at one point too... That's... What we're expected to do, after all... Whether we like it or not."

He hated to admit it, but you were right. What was the place in society for two outsiders with not interests in romantic or sexual relationships?

What were Aromantics and Asexuals besides loners, straight people craving attention and finding poor excuses for their lack of charisma?

Especially when everybody well knew that the only way to succeed in life, was to share it with a significant other and keep the bloodline going forever.

...Or was it really?

All these thoughts, your obligations as members of the patriarchal modern society, the implications behind all of it, the consequences, the fate you two would be doomed in. All of these were so painful. A lifelong struggle.

He was aware that he'd have to complete his other half of his life, achieve the ultimate life goals of getting married to a beautiful little wife and have cute little children running around the house and all that jazz.

But that's not how Jotaro Kujo had ever imagined his life would be like.

He had his own dreams, his own comforts. Being alone was good. So good. But he had no choice, he'd have to satisfy society's expectations. He'd have to make his mother proud and granting her the little grandchildren she always wished to have.

Jotaro looked back at your metallic leg. After all you've been through, after all he's lost to save his mother, pleasing her and making her happy was the least he could do to honor your sacrifices and the deaths of his loved ones.

But what could he do? Force himself? A man couldnt force himself to develop feelings, he could only pretend. But what good would that do him?

He'd have to, eventually. He couldn't help but think back at you. You were all the same. And you two would be judged for life for not following suit and do like everyone else, like little sheeps.

Was it so wrong to not want to be with a special someone? To not get attached or attracted? Why was it so weird? Why was it unacceptable? Who deemed it necessary, to get stuck into marriage just for the sake of being married?

And man, his thoughts rathered to drift to sex either, that's really the last straw and if possible, he'd love to shut everybody up about it. Shut up everybody who only validated a man's worth by his primal urge to knock a woman up.

You seemed to be the only one he could actually talk about this with, since people would just tell you the usual 'You're gay!' or 'You haven't found the one yet!'.

Just like telling a depressed person to 'cheer up'. Bullshit excuses of people who couldn't accept that mindsets and sexualities differ with each human being.

What were the two of you supposed to do? You were stuck, cornered.

He was a stone that knew nothing about affection, and he already pitied the unlucky woman who'd get to him.

And you were just as bad of a stone. He felt bad for you, for having to have to lay down and take it without batting an eye just to satisfy the needs of the greedy bastard that'd snatch you away.

"... We'll figure it out, Y/N. We've dealt with much worse to worry about things like that."

"That's true but... I don't know. It's hard to imagine a family life. I like chilling on my own. And I'm still too sad about them to be lovey-dovey."

He scoffed, hitting your back playfully. "So what? Let two hopeless rocks with crippling depression be themselves. Sounds like a plan."

"Now, hear yourself talking about depressing things!" You chuckled and pointed out accusingly at him, stealing his precious hat and putting it on your own head.

He sat up with an exhausted sigh and roughly pulled his hat down your eyes, as his own little revenge, gratified by a small 'Ow!' of response from your end.

He let out a ghost of a smile as you were blinded by his hat, thankful that you couldn't see him even though he knew you'd never tease him for being more expressive.

"Ow, that actually hurt, Jojo, you bastard!"

"Let's go." He stood up before stretching his huge hand out to you, making sure to be careful with your injuries as he pulled you up to your feet with surprising gentleness.

Before you could reach your classroom, you grabbed your friend's arm, prompting him to stop walking in the empty hallways.

"But really, Jojo... Wherever you are, and if you have been pushed into a life that unsatisfies you in the future... think about me, okay? You know that somewhere, I'll be the exact same... You're not alone."

He couldn't help but soften his gaze just slightly. You were a thoughtful person, that wasn't a secret. You already had proven yourself to be compassionate multiple times during your crusade, and you kept on.

You made him realise that he was normal and it was okay to not feel anything. You two could only rely on each other now, and it sure didn't matter to him what people say.

Oh of course he'd heard his classmates gush about how cute you two were and how uncharacteristically sweet he was towards you ever since you came back from your trip.

Because the infamous Jotaro Kujo wouldn't just have a soft spot for just anyone, right? Nobody would believe that he became so gentle just because you were injured, there must be something more, right?

No. Absolutely not. And screw society for fogging people' small brains into thinking that there's an afterthought or innuendo behind every male-female, or even same sex platonic relationships.

He knew well that it made you as uncomfortable as him, but you always brushed it off and let the people talk. Let them believe whatever they wanted.

He never wanted to think too much about it, but he couldn't help but worry as well sometimes. That was the kind of things that pissed him off.

It pissed him off so bad. If it wasn't for you he would have crushed so many skulls already. That would teach some people to shut the fuck up.

"What are you thinking about, Jotaro?"

He blinked, humming questioningly at you as you had taken him out of his transe.

"You just called Star Platinum." You said as you grabbed the Stand's big hand, shaking it around as if to greet him, to which he responded with a whispery 'Ora'.

He sighed heavily, calling his Stand back. "Nothing... Nothing at all."

You chuckled a bit. You've learned to read him quite well overtime. A skill only his mother and Kakyoin had mastered. "I'm worried too, Jojo. Hopefully it will be okay... For us."

You patted his back reassuringly and he smiled.

Wasn't that kind of love enough? Love without obligation, without commitment. Without the consequences. Without gender norms, without standards. Just people caring for each other. Wasn't friendship, camaraderie, sisterhood and brotherhood beautiful enough?

Platonic, unromantic love was much stronger than any other type of relationship. He was satisfied with this form of social contact. He didn't need anything more.

Jotaro Kujo was never a greedy man, after all.

The male was suddenly brought back to his sense when he felt a tiny hand tug insistently at his sleeve, hoping to wake him up from his rêverie.

"Papa, you fell asleep on your desk again..."

Jotaro inhaled tiredly, scratching his head and taking in his surroundings, his study back in his home in Florida. He patted his daughter's head, making her scrunch her face a little.

Was it that late already? He was so used to dozing off after working on his thesis, reflecting on his life and his choices. He had been overworking himself lately. He knew he shouldn't overthink, but he couldn't help it.

"Thank you Jolyne. Go back to sleep now, alright?"

The little girl nodded and trutted out, leaving her father alone to his thoughts.

Jotaro let out another breath, eyeing a certain picture frame, taken in the desert. Hopefully you were living a fulfilling life of your own.

And hopefully you two would get to meet again, and maybe talk again.

Ace to ace.

[princeescaluswords]

Murder Can Hurt You

One of the accusations in fandom that gives me the most confusing moments is the accusation that Scott is somehow responsible for the deaths caused by villains that he doesn’t execute when he defeats them.  

Here’s a quote from a reply to one of my posts.

You sort of bend this into a semantics argument of “second” vs “third” chances, when really another chance suffices. And they get the idea from canon where it happened.

Keeping Gerard alive resulted in the deaths of others, The same is true of Monroe. He also showed mercy to the Darach, it was Peter who finished her. You also forgot the twins which were met with mixed feelings. Many didn’t like their inclusion because they killed Boyd, the other bipoc character in case you’d forgotten. I would also say it’s arguable that Deucalion turned his life around when really his actions still led to deaths. He was already at odds with himself and we never see him completely rehabilitated.

I think the author and writing is insincere, but I’ll take it at face value for purposes of this discussion.

My first problem is the implication that somehow Scott’s reluctance to deal out death in judgement is not only immoral but also weird.  I don’t know what culture they thought Scott grew up in, but murder is considered a pretty heinous act with serious repercussions in the United States culture in which Teen Wolf is set.    Premeditated murder is not seen as justified, even revenge murder, in our modern times.  

Scott had even more reason to resist the use of killing as a tool than most others.  The entire first season he was scared, warned by Stiles and Derek that he now had a blood lust on which he must be constantly on guard against.  The alpha attempted -- through mind control and extortion -- to turn Scott into a lethal weapon against the alpha’s enemies.  To make him a killer.

And then, when seeking a way out of this nightmare -- and it was a nightmare even after an asthma cure and making first line, as if that somehow makes up for being hunted, tortured, and violated -- he was told that the only way for him to reclaim his life was to kill the one who bit him.  (It was a lie, but you can’t expect a 16-year-old who didn’t even think that werewolves were real a month before to know that.)  So, Scott was forced into a position where he thought that the only way for him to be free of blood lust, of mind control, of being hunted, of the loss of autonomy, of horror was to kill the person responsible for his condition.   

To me, the foundation of Scott’s heroism is that he decided, with every reason to pursue violence, to reject “murder is the only answer” solutions.  In fact, Scott’s growth in rejecting murder as a solution became a controlling theme of Season 2 and Season 3 -- “I’m not like you,” Scott says to Deucalion, “I don’t have to kill people.”

It seems that the present contention is this -- did Scott have a responsibility to execute others for their past crimes?  Did Scott have a responsibility to preemptively murder people to protect others?   

The production’s answer is, I believe, obvious to the casual observer.  Revenge solves nothing.  Peter and Deucalion and Gerard were locked in a spiral of violence which begot more violence -- all their revenge killings led to was more danger and death.  Peter, Jennifer, Monroe, and Meredith didn’t protect anyone with their purges and sacrifices -- all their preemptive killing led to was more danger and death.  The psychic costs of murder -- for Jackson, for Stiles, for Malia, for Scott, for Liam -- were portrayed as simply too high a price to pay for an emotional catharsis and an illusion of justice and safety.   

Let’s take Gerard Argent.  Scott was willing to resort to potentially lethal means to stop Gerard from killing Derek, his mother, his friends, and Scott’s own self.  That was Scott’s motivation in Season 2.  He wasn’t seeking revenge for others, and he wasn’t in a position to demand justice.   When it was over, an enfeebled Gerard needed a wheelchair to get around and was virtually imprisoned in a rest home.  Scott’s goals had been fulfilled; the people he wanted to protect were protected.  There was no need for execution or preemptive killing.  

How could he possibly be responsible for Gerard’s future crimes?  How could he imagine that a crippled Gerard would somehow be miraculously healed and then become a threat once more.  If someone is sent to jail, serves his sentence, and then breaks free and kills again, is the legal system responsible for his new crimes?   Yet people seem to be arguing that Omega Scott needed to kill a human being in Master Plan for the good of -- we’re not entirely sure.  (I do notice, however, that Derek and Peter are absolved from this crime completely -- even though Peter was doing absolutely nothing while Gerard crawled away from the warehouse and Derek was the alpha.)   Why was it specifically Scott’s responsibility to execute Gerard?  In Apotheosis, Chris literally told Scott that he would take care of his father. 

When it comes to Monroe, I think the author means that Scott gave Monroe a chance when he tried to talk to her in the tunnels.  Scott was seeking a non-violent solution, true, because he didn’t want anyone else to die.  That’s a bad thing?   By this point, he knew that Monroe was Gerard’s protege and that she was very well armed.  Did the fandom want Scott to lead his six-person pack against her and her hunter army like the Charge of the Light Brigade?   What’s telling (and hilarious) is that Scott attempted just that in Pressure Test (6x14). Scott was willing to lead a charge of his own pack against Monroe and her men, but they were stopped by the sheriff.

What his other choice?   Tear her apart in her office during a school day?   If that’s true leadership, why don’t they complain about the Sheriff not gunning her down in his office when she challenged him?

Let’s talk about the twins.  Fandom obviously had a problem with Scott not putting them down like rabid dogs, but the whole point was that such an act wouldn’t bring Boyd back.  (And they don’t complain about Derek not hunting them down, either).  On the other hand, Scott didn’t let Aiden and Ethan into his pack.  He did employ them when they could useful, but in the end they remained omegas.  Remember, Derek said in The Divine Move  “ You've been trying to find a way into his pack. Trying to earn his trust, trying to fight for him.”  They were never actually pack.

Did fandom really want Scott to walk up to Ethan and straight-up execute him after Ethan had helped saved Derek from Kali?  Did they want Scott to drive them away immediately so they couldn’t help save Stiles?   Yes, they helped kill Boyd, and they were rewarded with distrust and for Aiden, death.  But not at Scott’s hand.

As for Deucalion, the production literally had him actively trying to make up for his actions, first by sending Braeden to rescue Derek from the Calaveras.  Then they had Deucalion work with Scott to deceive Theo.   Josh and Tracy didn’t die because Scott and Derek didn’t execute Deucalion in Lunar Ellipse.  That was Theo’s doing -- and only Theo’s doing.  Deucalion did not take extra steps to protect Josh and Tracy, his kidnappers, but neither did he encourage Theo’s murder of them.  Eventually, Deucalion refused to participate in a fight against Monroe, who would be coming for him, more worried about his soul than his life.  Then again, he did train Scott to fight the Anuk-Ite.  In what way was he not rehabilitated?  

Teen Wolf was consistent in showing the costs of vengeance and murder as a tool in securing safety and stating, clearly, that this cost was too high. As they should have.   And the embodiment of that principle is Scott McCall.

[gojos-eyedrops]

Second thoughts: The Fear of The Future and The Fear of Rejection

This pandemic has not been kind to me. Not because my life at home sucks, but because I've had enough free time to put things into perspective, work on my mental health, and make me consider things I had not considered up until now.  

So, this is me putting into words all the troubling thoughts that had been circling inside my head since this whole lockdown began in March. 

Having too much time has helped me see things I didn't 

Things I knew from way back suddenly become relevant again

Getting used to a slow paced life and running all the time

The beginning of my second thoughts

“If I could turn back time before I decided to go into vet school, I'd give it a more thorough thought before choosing”

The flip of a coin and its repercussions

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

The spiral leading to fear. 

Having too much time helped me see thighs I didn’t.

Normally, the summer break and the Christmas holidays tend to be the right length. It's time enough for me to rest and to mentally prepare for what's to come. And not long enough for me to actually get bored. 

It has been five months now. Time enough for me to run out of things to do, and I’m forced to slow down, and realize there isn’t any rush to do any of the things I have to do. It’s not like things are going somewhere else. Neither am I. Time slowed down. 

Just like everyone else, I got enough time to explore the halls inside my head. The way they stretch and turn, covered in dust, and some of them haven’t seen the light in years. Dusting away the dirt some thoughts and memories have accumulated over the time, I’ve become aware of who I am and where I come from. 

I’ve become aware. I’ve been staring in front of me, walking in a straight line, for so long, I’ve forgotten to look down at the map, or to even notice my surroundings. I've forgotten to see the whole picture up until now.

Things I knew from way back suddenly become relevant again

When I first started vet school, we were told about the misconceptions of what being a veterinarian really is. Being a career focused on medicine and healthcare, you cannot allow yourself to stop reading, to stop learning, to stop asking questions. Otherwise you’re left behind and become obsolete. Science keeps moving forward every day, and you have to constantly keep up with the pace. Always in a rush. Only those hungry for knowledge, always willing to learn will strive. 

“That's fine by me,” I said back then. 

Being such a demanding career, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise the statistics. That same day, we were taught about the suicide rates in veterinarians. One in ten commits suicide. A lot of this comes hand in hand with the fact that student debts are monstrous in the States. Something that, thankfully, isn’t that big of a problem down here. Student loans here aren’t as big. However, it’s still stressing to be a vet tech. 

The statistics didn’t scare me as much back then. Nowadays, those numbers seem more threatening. 

Getting used to a slow paced life and running all the time

Something I learned over the years is that wounds take time to heal. And there’s nothing to speed up that process. You have to clean the wound, and keep proper rest, avoid moving and making physical effort. If you forget to take care of the wound, stop cleaning it, it’ll get worse, hurt more and become infected. Mental health works the same way. You have to take it slow while you’re healing, you have to take care of it every day, and by ignoring it, it’ll only get worse. 

Something I’m thankful for, is the sudden slowing down of life. We were constantly moving, always with something to do, a deadline to meet, places to go. We never really stopped, did we? 

Not even when we are supposed to slow down we really slowed down. “Once we arrive at the hotel, let’s do this, and then this. Then let's go here, and by night lets go to this club” 

However, the pandemic forced us to stay indoors, with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and we’re back at worrying about our most basic needs. When to eat, when to sleep, everything else is extra. The whole world slowed down for the first time in decades, if not, centuries. 

This slowing down has allowed me to work in my mental health like I should have done a long time ago. My mental health has become my priority in the last months, as I’m constantly reading, journaling, meditating. Most of what I do when I don’t go to work is based on what feels best and what keeps my mind at ease.

I work at a vet clinic. I’m not formally working there, but I’m not going to stop and discuss the circumstances, let's just say I work there, as a student, I don't get paid, but I do get to learn first hand experience, something invaluable for someone in my position, since apparently everyone expects you to have plenty of experience by the time you graduate college and start applying for jobs. 

I only go to the vet clinic once a week, sometimes two. Because of the pandemic and safety measures, we try to keep the number of people in there to the minimum, but without being deficient. 

Something I've noticed is the more hands we have at our disposition, the more we’ll keep saturating ourselves and overworking. 

Being a veterinarian is stressful and if you're doing your job right, you're going to be busy the whole time. You see, vet techs don't overwork and saturate themselves because they’re workaholics. The love for animals, and the desire to help as many animals as posible is the reason why we’re always running inside the clinic, from one place to the other, in a rush, never really slowing down. You sacrifice your lunch time to keep working, you stay overtime, leave late, sometimes you don’t even leave and you stay on duty, sometimes you leave but return an hour later because of an emergency, you even put up with owners’ attitude and/or insults and complaints. And even when you finally make it to your house, you arrive home and read about several topics, reading articles, studying, consulting colleagues about your questions and asking for suggestions and opinions. You never truly stop. 

And once you see how it is from the inside, those suicide rates start making sense. 

The beginning of my second thoughts

With a lot of free time at my disposal, I did what everyone else did. I started focusing on my hobbies. I began writing more than before, I began drawing a lot more than before. I even grabbed my old dusty drawing tablet and decided to give digital drawing another chance. 

I can’t even remember how many times I tried to properly learn how to draw digitally. But for whatever reason I always ended up by giving up and staying comfortable in tradicional drawing. You see, drawing on paper and on a tablet are two very different things. Let alone coloring. 

This time, however, I was successful. I bought a new drawing tablet and became good friends with it soon after. 

My creative mind was fascinated. The characters I was constantly creating with lives and thoughts of their own could only be seen by others through my words. However, my new found talent allowed me to project my characters, and allow other people see exactly what I see. 

It was during this time that one of my closest friends asked me about it. He complimented me on my drawing skills, very much to my distorted perception of my own talents. The conversation soon grew deep and enlightening and touching. He asked me what I thought of giving animation a chance. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it before. Time flows at an unreasonable fast speed once I begin drawing, and I easily forget about everything else when I’m at it. And since I like to write too, giving animation a chance would only seem right.

“I'm scared” I told him. To which he asked me what was I afraid of. And I answered: “I’m afraid I’ll end up liking animation more than vet medicine”. A series of questions followed after, and so, a door in my mind opened, and I haven’t been able to close it. 

In the end, it turned out I was afraid of disappointment. 

I’m lucky and immensely grateful to be surrounded by people who have faith in me, who constantly cheer me to keep going. Many people expect me to and wish that I come through, following the path I’d laid out for me. Friends, family, even the doctors I work with. Everyone is expecting great things from me. It's so satisfying and encouraging to see, but at the same time, it puts a weight on my shoulders, and makes me set higher standards than I would if I didn’t receive this much support. 

Now, imagine letting all those people down. 

You see, I’ve had a pretty constant life plan laid out before my eyes. Graduate in a year, work for a little while, save money, move to another city and do a postgrad. Afterwards, move yet to another city, and specialize in cardiology. A few dates and places had been considered over these last years, but my ultimate goal has stayed the same: become a cardiologist. The heart is my favourite organ, and it has been since I first learned about its anatomy and physiology in high school. Cardiology is what I want, or what I think I want. Those closest to me know this. And everyone who does, supports my decision and is cheering on me. It’s a great feeling, really. 

“If I could turn back time before I decided to go into vet school, I'd give it a more thorough thought before choosing”

I told that pretty recently to a friend.

Back in high school, one step away from deciding what is it that I want to do, I was torn between studying biology or vet medicine. In the end, I decided to let fate decide for me. Whichever career released their application form first. And we know which one of the two was the first one to do so. 

I don’t regret choosing from a flip of a coin. I’ve enjoyed vet school so much, and I genuinely believe it has been worth every bit of it. I don't regret, in the slightest, getting into Vet School, however, if I could talk to high school me, I’d tell her to give it a more thorough thought before choosing. Now that I’ve seen it from the inside, I can tell it’s not an easy decision to make. 

The flip of a coin and its repercussions

Anyone who knows me can tell how wildly passionate I’m about vet medicine. How I’m always eager to learn, and I’m constantly reading about things. I love sharing these things with other people as well. Clearly, I don’t regret getting into vet school. 

However, how much am I willing to put up with everything that implies being a vet? What it really takes? 

This quarantine, my mental health has become my priority, considering how easy it is for me to trip and fall into a spiral. I have to be constantly taking care of it. So, at what point does prioritizing my mental health meet prioritizing my job? 

In April I talked with a friend about what it was that I really wanted. And I began questioning myself, as well as my dreams. What I thought was my ultimate goal began getting blurry. 

In June, I decided to take a small break from my everyday life, and went to the woods. And as much as I love escaping to the woods for a little while and breathe some fresh air, this time, I didn’t feel like I got any rest at all. As I was haunted by exactly the one thing I was trying to run away from. 

Being in a constant “veterinarian mode” is tiresome. Always thinking of problems, solutions, questions, always being asked about these things, even when you’re not at work and are trying to rest. Even when I had planned to go into the forest to forget about my “vet tech life” for a little while, the vet tech life found me and haunted me. I didn’t get any rest at all. 

At what point this mentality becomes detrimental to my own health? Anyone who’s keeping up with it all has my absolute respect. Anyone in the health care area, not just veterinarians. 

I am starting to question whether I'll be able to keep up with this rhythm for the rest of my life. It's too fast. And now that I've gotten a taste of a slower paced life, I'm not sure I want to go back to the race.

You see, many people no longer see a person when they look at me. They see my profession. And it’s not bad, to some degree I  like it, being called a doctor feels nice. 

But sometimes I wish people forgot about my profession and asked me about what is it that I like, my hobbies, what books I've read. Instead of always asking me stuff about my job and questions they have about pets and animals in general. If I meet someone, we'll be talking of random things, but as soon as I mention I'm a vet tech, the conversation becomes focused on my career. I’m a human being first, you know? 

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

Whenever I feel like my anxiety is spiraling out of control, I manage to get a hold of it, and of the situation by asking myself: will this matter in two weeks? For the most part, the answer is no. And it's in that moment that I realize how many of the things that overwhelm me are for the most part, momentarily. 

However, this train of thought has been circling inside my head ever since April. Whenever I feel the anxiety closing in around me, and I ask myself if this will matter in two weeks, I answer myself no. Only to be proven wrong. This continues to matter, it has been for the last months. 

And the worst of it all, the more I think about it, the more it scares me, and every time I do, the anxiety drowns me at a faster speed. 

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

The spiral leading to fear. 

I’ve come such a long way. And there’s still a long way ahead of me. However, I’ve been staring straight in front of me for so long, I’ve forgotten to look at the map or my surroundings. And now that I’ve done so, I realise the beautiful landscape that surrounds me. Countless paths stretching before my eyes, all twisting and taking different turns, and I wish to explore them all. 

However, everyone talks of what I’ll find at the end of the path I chose to walk. This path will continue to get harder and harder, with countless obstacles in the future. But then again, all paths do. How much am I willing to sacrifice? How much weight am I willing to carry on my shoulders? It scares me. 

By this point, I’m scared to ask if I made the right choice. What if I didn’t? Even asking myself that makes my eyes teary and makes a lump grow in my throat. 

I guess you can say the answer is pretty obvious by now. But it is not. 

I’ll put it in simple words: I wish to be a vet tech, but without having to be one 24/7, but that's not how it works. 

It’s easy to take the leap when you’ve got nothing to lose. But the more there is at stake, the bigger the jump. The tower becomes taller, outgrowing your courage. And the more I approach the edge, the more scared I feel. 

I am lost. And I am scared. But I am not scared because I’m lost. I guess being lost isn’t as bad, since, in order to find new places, one must get lost first. I’m scared  because of everything I’ve said before. Despite life slowing down, and despite this year feeling so unbearably slow, many things have changed, so fast. I never thought I’d find myself questioning my future in just the span of a few months. I hadn't thought this much about my future since high school, when I had to choose a university and a career.

I'm still lost though, and out of balance. However, only time and working on myself will help.

I’ve still got a year left of school before graduating, and ultimately deciding what is it what I’m gonna do. And I’m willing to give this last year the benefit of the doubt, since so much has happened in just a few months, who knows what’s gonna happen the following year starting on monday. 

I wish for the following year to be gentle with  me. However, the best lessons come from the roughest times. 

In the meantime, I'll watching life unfold before me, and see how things fall into place. I'll continue to feel scared about the uncertain future hoping for the best.

[kaijuzilla]

MOD REVIEW: Godzilla King of the Monsters (2019)

*This contain spoilers so if you want to avoid it then please do no continue reading this post.*

“Which of these Titans are here to threaten us, and which of these Titans are here to protect us...”

Where can I start.... The moment when I saw the trailer in college in spring time 2019, I was excited and hype for this film. And when me and my friend went to see it and got out:

THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING!!!

I really don’t get it whats with critics on this movie but as a fan and going all honest this movie is a good Godzilla movie! The director or the person behind this movie Mike Dougherty, took all the problems from the 2014 film, fixing it, added some awesome stuff, and this movie was born! Along with that we got Mothra who looks more insect appearance but still majestic beauty, Ghidorah who is freaking terrifying and making this the scariest and coolest Ghidorah, and Rodan who is on fire and is hot! Also he gives me a starscream vibe as well which everyone said same thing.

The plot tells that things are happening and citizens are blaming the Godzilla and Monarch for this disasters which they go on a riot to say that all of the monsters must be destroy. But Monarch refuses and wanted theses creatures to live because “they deserve the right to live” since they live here before us. Basically which one is here to live with us in harmony and which one is here to kill us. The people still think they should kill them but Serizawa still believes theses creatures are good on the inside and not monsters and wanted humans and monsters in a symbiotic relationship. Suddenly one of the scientist broke the Monarch code by releasing Ghidorah and is up to Monarch and Godzilla to stop the Monsters from creating disaster.

I also think the humans are actually alright in this movie than the 2014. But the 2014 film has one great actor who delivers it well but die later which kind of lost the character knowing them well because he’s like the most recognizable character and so does Serizawa. But this movie we learn about (some) of the characters more! Yes there are alot of characters in this movie and I think they’re all alright. 

There’s also this Eco-terrorist group who wanted to free all these monsters from their cages and take their DNA for black market like those people from Pacific Rim. Also their goal got to success t release them all when Ghidorah calls all of them when crowned himself king. TBH do they even think that when these monsters are destroying every humanity they are gonna be kill too? Like really Ghidorah is the one that causes the planet Venus lifeless and you’re it’s next target.

One thing that got me like shock is that Serizawa assistants just die early int he film which just shock me alot. I kind of wanted to know about her character and why and how she became Serizawa assistant.

I’m also glad Mark Russell who is played by Kyle Chandler, who is a zoologist gets a character development in the film because from the beginning he hated Godzilla because he lost his son in the disaster of 2014 if San Francisco from the MUTOs (I’m not only one who notice those red military light guys falling from the sky from the beginning of the movie right?). Which close to end of the movie he learned that Godzilla is good and began to accept him. (Also makes me learn how alpha or hunting packs work)

Dr Emma Russel who played by Vera Farmiga, where her character is she is good (1) but she thinks she’s doing a good  which made her the villian (2) thing but turns out bad so go back to being good (3). (1) she made this ORCA where it help control the titan by doing an alpha frequency thing which works on Mothra and Rodan and Ghidorah, (2) when she was caught by the Eco terrorist and see that releasing titans and radioactivity in San Francisco making plant life grow back which see human are infection decided to release and try release all titans to help restore balance to humanity and think this is what her son wanted (Ghidorah was second), (3) Ghidorah turns out to release all titans and controlling them all to destroy everything and learn that this isn’t good and Madison (her daughter) straight her out that this isn’t what will bring harmony or give what her dead son want to the world.

Did I mention there’s a prequel of this movie before it was released and it’s a comic? This is a same thing like Godzilla Awakening which we learn that Godzilla is an ancient apex predator that loves for many years that went to the center of the earth for radiation because the radiation on the surface of Earth is low. BUT THIS MOVIE TELLS US THERE ARE 17 TITANS/KAIJUS AROUND THE WORLD!!! They also involved in histories like mythology creatures  (because they’re named after them or some) where it’s goes to saying that people sees them as gods. And this is reveled when Godzilla is laying to rest in this underwater city which is probably Atlantis? Where it show that people back then sees them as gods which is really cool and i want to know more about this. TBH if this happens in real life this could possibly happen in the past if these monsters exist.

One thing it’s very strange we see a bigger hunch spiky back Femuto again. It’s because we thought those babies and the two MUTOS are last of their kind from the 2014 film, and the Prime was killed in the comics as well. And this one isn’t pregnant which also bow down to Godzilla too. But I will say out of all Kaiju the Behemoth is the strange but one of my favorite kaiju design. Maybe because it’s a mammal and it’s so rare to see a mammal kaiju since it’s mostly Insects, Aliens, Amphibians, Birds, Fish, and Reptiles. We do see some on screen but in the novel tells us what the other titans are doing around the world. Surprising fact the Leviathan outpost in in Loch Ness meaning that Nessie is a kaiju or something!?

One thing that make the monsters amazing by their designs but also their facial expression which gives them more life and not Disney Lion King live action movie lifeless expression. We understand their emotion by their facial expression and not their voice.

We see Godzilla just showing intimidation to people and King Ghidorah who they both showing high level of intimidation! Also Ghidorah head that represent their personality are good and there’s reason why Kevin is the dumb one. Because the heart is on the right side of the body the right and middle get more blood to their brains while the left side aka Kevin get less blood in his brain (My friend explain this after the movie). And when Rodan got stab by Mothra stinger (which my friend also explain that Moths do have stingers IRL but never uses them because they don’t harm any creature and are like butterflies and bee hybrid like insects) he was showing that “anime pain gasp shock eye facial expression” because DAM right into the shoulder!!! Which then when he tries to challenge Godzilla for the throne he was like “aw hell sorry my king please forgive me I Starscream knee before you Megaton!!!”

Before I close to finish it off I want to say again Ghidorah in this film is the most scariest and terrifying monster of all time! The moment he survive the oxygen destroyer was so suprise he survive and Godzilla has a heart attack. The moment when Kevin head grows back after ripped off was just horrifying and just HOLY SHIT moment. Even seeing him as he crown himself the king now as he roar so lod showing the church is like we’re seeing the Devil begin the end life on Earth! Even when his history was meant to be erase and forgotten in the past is a surprising. Just glad they stick to alien and not bio genetic creature from the future that makes him look like a vampire furby baby face (I will admit the Dorats look cute).

Also one question....how dafug did the government military manage to make the Oxygen Destroyer. Yes it’s a prototype but if this is a prototype does this mean the perfect Oxygen Destroyer become Destroyah later on. Also you think the monster causes problem, that bomb kill alot of fish population right there! But during the film Serizawa sacrifice himself to save Godzilla by bringing the atomic nuclear bomb to blow up to help recharge his nuclear energy aka giving him some juice to make him stronger. 

What make this movie fun is jsut there’s so many easter eggs in this movie! I spotted some but i bet there’s more somewhere that youtube explained see: Roidan is making nest at MT Fuji (Rodan movie), Twins and Infant Island (Mothra), Kong is poted and mention alot in the film which also leading to Kong vs Godzilla, Monster Zero, (again) The Leviathan is Nessie from Loch Ness, Mecha Kevin, 2014 sky falling scene, Mothra wing represent Godzilla eyes, Mothra egg after she die but chances maybe minilla or junior, A mysterious skeleton at Godzilla lair. That’s all i got so far. but idk if the sphinx would count because that is actually like a cancel 1998 Godzilla aka Zilla movie sequel.

What also surprising is that Godzilla and Mothra are actually a thing together! And tbh for the longest time I ship theses two (haven’t ship for a long LONG time)! it explain it’s a “symbiotic” relationship but still it’s cute.

Ok now the probably the best part of the movie is the monster fight scene. It’ss just so amazing what theses things can actually do on screens. Just when Godzilla and Ghidorah fight the third time they just charged to each other causing this huge shockwave boom that shook the sky! Rodan just peck the HELL out at Ghidorah when they first met! Mothra (again) Stab Rodan giving him the worst pain of his life on his shoulder! Kevin head ripped off! (Kevin nooooo), and the final part of the movie. Mothra Die from Ghidorah when protecting her Lamp Husband!

But the part when Godzilla when thermal nuclear aka BURNING GODZILLA!!! HE FUCKING BURNS THE WINGS ON GHIDORAHS WINGS LEAVING NOTHING BUT IT’S FINGERS THINGS!!! GHIDORAH TRY TO FIGHT BACK BUT IT’S NOT WORKING AND GODZILLA PULSES AGAIN DISINTEGRATE KEVIN AND RIGHT HEAD LEAVING THE ALPHA HEAD ALONE AND JUST CRUSH IT’S CHEST OPEN KILLING IT AND  CREATE HUGE A EXPLOSION!!!!!!

Ok we’re at the ending a- OMG HE SURVIVED!? NOPE!!! GODZILLA RIP THE HEAD OFF AND SMACKING IT DOWN AS IT STILL ALIVE WHICH HE IS EATING THE NECK! TO FINISH IT OFF IT CHARGES IT’S ATOMIC BREATH AND SHOOT THE HEAD TO THE SKY!!!!

THIS IS WHY GODZILLA IS THE TRUE KING OF THE MONSTERS!

He fought something that could out class him and dominates it, No matter how must of a pain he’s in he still stands tall, he continues fighting and not retreat and rematch again (Gamera)!

That is the coolest death kill ever and turns out the spark from the mouth was actually a burp which is funny. Don’t believe me? go to Mike Dougherty twitter he tells everything about the movie.

Now the one part that makes me want to react with the other titans too which i feel like all Godzilla fans did too in the theaters because i got the same feeling to just wanting to bow down to Godzilla for some reason? Just when Madison (Mark and Emma daughter who is Millie Brown from Stranger Thing as Eleven) uses the ORCA to bring all titans to Boston. They all arrive seeing their king to be dead by Godzilla which looks liek they’re all about to challenge him, even Rodan look piss off for he want to fight for his fallen king death. He tells them to back the fuck down which Rodan being the Starscream dude he is bows down before his true king and so does (mostly) everyone, even the Femuto who is the natural enemies to his species bows before him! This turned all the titans good and help bring amazing impact around the world: Amazon Rainforests that was wiped out are growing back, endanger animals are off the endanger list, stabilized world sea levels from Antarctica, fish population rises too, etc...

Then there is the after credit where the leader of the Eco terrorist finds Kevin and is going to take his head. And also show many hits saying seismic activity at Skull Island and show cave painting of Kong and Godzilla fighting each other!

This is what “which titans is here to threaten us, and which titans are here to protect us.” from the beginning. There are two kings and one of the is a false king who call himself king and wants to bring destruction to everything it sees. Godzilla job as an apex predator is to bring balance to nature and humanity as a True King to the throne. If any one of them go out of Godzilla rules then they will be slap to their head.

So then that is King of the Monsters and it still a great film! I still can’t believe critics say “too much monster fight scene” and blah blah blah they don’t know what a Godzilla film actually is tbh! This movie did amazing and even thought there’s some problems it still make a good movie. I will give it an:

8 or 7 out of 10

If you want to watch this I would recommend watching old godzilla films which also count kong, mothra, and rodan before you see this film but for a quickie i would recommend Godzilla Awakening, Godzilla (2014), Skull Island: Birth of Kong, Kong Skull Island, and Godzilla Aftershock to get to know the movie and the Monsterverse. There’s also the novel too which holds more information that didn’t get on screen and it’s low price and it’s good. I really wanted to get off my chest and it just so good! i think next review I might do Endgame maybe?

[mangled-dreams]

Sins of the Mother: 4

Chapter 4: Truth

***Caution this chapter has talks of rape/non-con sex/conception. Just as a warning. Nothing happens but there is “discussion” between two character regarding the matter. And as a reminder, Dark in this story is a devil and human morals are very much a loose set of ‘guidelines’ as far as my demons are concerned. They have their own codes of conduct but in the end it’s whatever mean to get their results/goals.***

Previous: Collection, Agreement, Terms, 

"Need a hand?"

Mid trip to the house with arms filled with groceries and other household items you still manage to jump nearly four feet into the air, something you've never achieved before.  It's not often that you scream either but the noise that emitted from your mouth is very unlike you.

Some of your groceries spill out of the bags you're carrying. You wait for the impact but it never comes. Looking through your lashes you see the items that fell are securely in Dark's arms. "Normal people announce their arrivals." You grouse debating getting closer to Dark to grab your items but know you have no ability to do that at this moment. "You can put those down inside the house, after that leave." You order continuing into the house to deposit your items. There are still quite a few things left in the trunk and back seat but this is a good starting point.

You hear Dark's footsteps behind you. He doesn't respond and you're thankful for that. You really don't want to do the small talk thing again with him. You're unsure if you really want to know what his intentions are you keep  your gaze away from Dark.

"You have questions for me." He's not asking, he knows you do. He also knows you're stubborn enough to pretend he's not even there for as long as he'll allow you to.

"I don't know what you're talking about or why you are still in my house." You respond putting away the ice cream before it melts any more than it has. You've done a lot of thinking, and you mean a lot of thinking about your contract to marry this--this demon.

Of course you don't want to marry Dark, you hardly know him, you don't know his intentions--which has been giving you major anxiety, and you don't know why Savannah made the stupid deal in the first place. All of these variables have been driving you absolutely insane thinking of the what if's and whys behind your family's curse.

Closing the freezer door you turn on your heel, ready to gather more groceries when you nearly collide with Dark. Back peddling your heart starts a beat the best DJ could never duplicate. You're trapped between the refrigerator and Dark with no wiggle room to escape.

"You must have forgotten to whom you speak to. Do not think I am one of your little human boys you can just order around. I am providing you with more than enough patience and kindness than you deserve in this moment. It would be wise to watch just how you address me." Dark warns in a deep tone. It resonates through your very core as you fail to keep your body from shivering in fear. You knew you'd find the limits to his patience but not this quickly.

However, despite the fear coursing through your very bones you square your shoulders. You've managed to raise not one but three children, take care of your father, have a job, and sacrifice yourself to him; there is no way you'll allow anyone to think you are a coward or a push over.  

"Let's get one thing straight, Dark; I am not someone you get to push around. I may have willingly agreed to this to save my cousins from your clutches, but I am not doing this with any sense of submission. You want someone to bend to your will and change their personality for you, then look elsewhere. This is the woman you got out of this bargain. I will speak my mind, I will not allow you to think for one moment that fear will stop me from being myself."

Dark smirks, he admires your passion and ability to push through your fears. He'd thought for a moment that you'd bow down and shrink away from him, worse still, bend to him. He enjoys your spunk and perseverance. "Then how do we settle this... impasse?" He asks refusing to give you an inch.

Glaring up at him you say, "You could start by giving me some space and actually explaining yourself. I assume there is no way for me to back out of this arrangement so you might as well just tell me the truth." Dark continues to stare directly into your eyes. It's unnerving to have someone so powerful stand so close and loom over you without moving. You just know, if Dark really wanted he could kill you right now, but you pray he isn't like that.

Dark steps back and urges you to walk into the living room. Remaining still you look at the bags on your floor then to the window overlooking your living room. "I still have groceries to bring in a put away. You can talk while I do that." You tell him heading to the front door. You need the fresh air, some distance, and something to distract yourself from the fact Dark actually seems willing to talk candidly with you.

Before you can make it to the front door there is a gust of wind that sweeps past you, knocking you against the wall in its haste. Pushing off the wall you watch your remaining bags of groceries march pass you. Blinking a few times you stare in utter shock and fright at the sight. Dark chuckles at your mixed expression.

"As my bride I should introduce you to my servants." Dark says walking over to your still rooted to the side of your hallway. Blinking you idly look up to Dark bumping into the wall as he reaches out, his hand covers just about half your face. There is a flash or dark red light that seems to seem directly into your head before he removes his hand. Turning your head away from his hand you notice movement out of the corner of your eye.

Jumping against the wall your hands press into the hard surface at the sight of the weird looking creatures marching in and out of your house, even in your kitchen putting away your items. "What the fuck are they?" You ask unable to hold your own pitch. You just don't understand what is going on or what they are, but from the look on Dark's face these creatures are a normal part of his life. It clicks then that Dark called them his "servants".

"They are lesser demons. I employ them as servants to tend to my needs. They are very loyal and will not harm you or your family. Despite what you may think; these creatures are peaceful and find meaning in their chores." Dark explains as you watch the gremlin-like creatures about four feet tall, with varying degrees of hair lengths and styles and expressions. Some seem happy, others seem indifferent, then there is that one that just looks like he's pissed off at the world. The angry one is about half a foot shorter than the rest with a permanent scowl etched into his weathered face.

"Do they have names?" You ask absently watching the angry one deposit a few bags before assisting the others with putting the items away.

"Yes, I have a total of twenty under my care. At later time I will introduce you to them all." Dark says watching the last of the gremlins close the door and assist the others. "Now, you wished to have a frank discussion?" He reminds you knowing better than to hold his hand out to you to escort you into the living room. Nodding you hesitate a moment before walking into the living room and plant yourself on the couch and wait for Dark to seat himself.

Swallowing the lump in your throat you sit in silence before finally asking, "Why did my great-grandmother make a deal with you?"

"She killed her daughter." Dark responds without hesitation. If you wish to know the truth then, as your husband, he will oblige you that respect.

Your heart squeezes in your chest. "She killed her daughter? Why?"

"Jealousy. Savannah was vain and powerful and selfish. Her daughter was just an infant when Savannah went into a jealous rage. She murdered her child because she believed the child would be more beautiful and loved than she was. When the reality of her actions finally dawned on her it was too late for anything she could do to matter." Dark explains in a flat tone. You don't know whether he's pulling your chain, but to his credit he hasn't openly lied to you, just hid things to protect his own interest. "Her husband has the same mentality you do regarding family and protecting each other. Savannah was out for herself. She knew if her husband found out she murdered her child he would leave her and she would go to jail. To protect herself she summoned me and struck a deal to rise her daughter from the dead and lock away what she'd done."

Covering your mouth with your hand you couldn't imagine murdering someone much less an innocent child. "And you did it?" You ask appalled but already know the deal had been struck otherwise he wouldn't be in your house right now.

Dark nods his head, taking a cup of steaming tea from one of the gremlin creatures, then starts talking again. "Yes, you see your blood is special. The house of Scarlett has always provided powerful witches. For years my kind has been waiting patiently for one of yours to slip up, to call out into that darker realm for help and fall into our arms. Your grandmother thought she could out smart me. In truth, she had. Your ancestor was quite devious and cunning. I forced your hand because I wanted you, specifically you. Per the deal you had to willingly offer yourself to be my bride."

Frowning you wish you'd known that before hand. "So it really was all for show. I had a feeling you'd done all that to trap me, but I couldn't understand--I still can't why you'd want me. If my family line produces witches then why aren't we regularly practicing or even having hints of witches in our history? Literally everyone in my family believes you tricked Savannah into the deal. Nowhere in our history books indicate that we are a family of witches." You counter rolling his words around in your head.

"Savannah was the last practicing witch. Your blood has been diluted over the years and the number of children born with to abilities has fallen to you and your siblings." Dark says staring directly into your eyes. "Aside from the fact I have no interest in children, and have been waiting for a descendant with the most concentrated power to take as my prize."

"Could you not call me a prize? You're dehumanizing me when you refer to me like that. I'm not a prize, if anything I'll be a prisoner."

"I can treat you like a prisoner if you would prefer." He counters.

"Can you just call me by my name? I mean, I'm stuck in this contract and can't really get out, so until my siblings are older I have to play nice with you. I won't let this... unfortunate turn of events disrupt their lives." You say pushing away your feelings long enough to think of your family. Savannah may had doomed you in order to fix her horrendous actions, but you refuse to follow that path. A thought suddenly hits you like a ton of bricks. "You want a child. That's why you've been waiting for a Scarlett witch. You plan on impregnating me." You vocalize staring at Dark. His expression never changes.

"Yes. I have waiting patiently for over three hundred years for you to come into existence. Your grandmother was no fool. She knew my intentions. A child born of a high level demon, such as myself and of the Scarlett house will be unmatched, unrivaled in all it does. He or she will be able to walk among humans without restriction, without question and rule in my realm without rival. To father a creature so powerful would be the ultimate deceleration of my brilliance." Dark practically sings with pride. You can see this is something he had no intention of letting slip through is hands.

"What about what I want?" Your voice is small and unsure even as you speak. You feel... empty. Does this mean he'll rape you to get what he wants? He'll force you to produce a child for him? Will it only be a child? Does he want multiples? Will you be a baby factory for his dream? Would he put you through all of this to achieve his dream?

Dark looks at you. He can't read your mind, despite it being a talent of his, but he can read your expressions, he can see your fears in your eyes better than anyone in your family ever could. "I would hope we could come to an arrangement regarding this matter. There are many years a head of us to work out the details, but you requested honestly and truth. This is my truth."

Your eyes drift down, away from Dark to your hands. Closing your eyes you try to keep your overflowing emotions at bay. You don't want to cry in front of Dark but you did this to yourself. Who knows how long it would have taken Dark to finally confess what he wanted from you, but now that you know, you simply feel doomed to your fate. "If I refused?" You ask voice shaking a little.

"It would not be to your favor, Y/n."

Sniffling you clench your fists. "If it wasn't me, would it have been Trinity?" You ask already knowing the answer.

"When she matured to the right age, yes." Dark responds. Your heart breaks a little. Tears drip down your lashes. He's being civil, talking with you because you wanted this, but even as you'd already guessed the talk would be upsetting your didn't think it'd be this upsetting.

"Would you go after her if I am unable to have children?" You ask needing to know. If you could just remove everything that would allow you that function, maybe...

"Whatever you are thinking it will not work. I understand why you are asking this question. No matter what you think you can do to make yourself sterile you will still bare my child. I am a demon and you a witch, there are ways to make your body function as it is intended to." Dark responds coldly. He doesn't not particularly enjoy talking to you in such a way. He does not enjoy seeing you distressed but this is how things have turned out.

Sighing you look at your hands. There is no other way around this and it's eating you up. A baby. You'd imagined having your own child, something small and half you half someone you love with all your soul. "Will I be apart of the baby's life?" You ask. It's petty and insignificant compared to being forced to birth a hybrid hell spawn, but you have to find something in that thin silver lining.

"You are exceptional at rearing children. I admire your values and dedication to your siblings, there is no reason you would not be allowed to raise this child; however, I must warn you, follow your ancestor's foot steps and hard our child and I will show you just how unforgiving I can be." Dark warns his expression changing to something straight from a horror movie.

You can't describe it, not that you want to but you never want to see that face again. Sitting straight spine you nod your head shivering in fear. Dropping your head when the anger passes you close your eyes.

"I must go, but know this is not how I had intended our conversation ending. I want you to understand I have every intention on trying to wait until you have come to terms with my intentions, however I will not wait forever."

Looking up you find Dark standing over you. "How long? I can go the rest of my life and not be okay with a single part of this." You tell him honestly.

Dark's eyes scan over your face. "Once the ceremony has been preformed our lives will be bonded. I can wait another few centuries for you to come to terms if needed. Your mortal life will end and then you and I will continue on."

Your eyes wide at the implications he's putting into your head. "I... I'll out live my family?" You ask fearing their deaths even more.

"In due time, yes." Despite his darkened soul the sorrow filled cry that escapes your lips tugs at him. A tear rolls down your cheek as your gaze leaves his and focuses on a photo framed on the entertainment center. He wants to console you, but he can read you well enough to know he needs to leave you alone. "I will take my leave now. Until our next meeting." Dark says bowing slightly before disappearing.

When you can think again you find your house spotless and all your chores taken care of so you sit back down and stare at the photos lining your house. You remain in a still haze of confusion and despair until you have to go collect Fern and Ollie and shuttle them to their karate lessons.

The other parents comment on your less than energetic mood. It's unlike you to be so neutral and it concerns them. You promise you're okay and make small talk with them before taking the twins home and begin dinner just as Trinity arrives home.

You try your best to remain the same, but know you are failing. The twins hover around you with worried expressions and offer to help out with things they aren't skilled enough to do or never offer to do. Even Trinity is worried, but she flat out asks if you're okay.

Between stirring your boiling noodles and shuffling around the browning hamburger meat you take a moment to hug Trinity. Telling her that you love her and that you'll tell her after the twins are in bed. She holds you tightly before taking over cooking the ground beef in a silence support to your mental pain.

[theputterer]

oziahmidwinter replied to your post : i am extremely not qualified to write the...

Asori was wonderful!

oh man i love and miss Asori so much.

it was strange writing her because she came so... fully formed. like her big intro/backstory explanation in GRAY AREAS (the chapter titled, of course, “Asori”) came to me immediately. this idea that she could have been a lifelong, devoted servant to the Republic, and then when it fell, she transitioned with it into the Empire. but she knew what she had lost, and what the galaxy had lost, and she also knew how governments could fall, having seen it firsthand, so she resolved to do what had happened to the Republic to the Empire: taking it out from within.

but this is also such a HUGE sacrifice!! because she puts on the Imperial commander’s uniform every day and goes to work. and she watches the cadets at the Royal Imperial Academy become brainwashed into submitting to the Empire. they’re just KIDS. and she’s part of that effort in warping them. and she does it because they also teach her how they work, what their goals are for the Empire, and what their homeworlds, Empire-controlled, are like. it’s all great Intelligence. but god, what a cost. she is, arguably, the bravest character in the Nonsense.

and then Cassian comes along, and she sees SO MUCH of herself in him. this sad, lonely boy, so desperate to destroy the Empire. who has lost so much at its hands. he’s eager to work with her, and for her, because he trusts and believes her. he does this from the beginning! the wonderful thing about Cassian is how he trusts; Wada says this is one of his favorite things about Cassian, because it is so unusual. (and this is how Rogue One is formed, obvi.) To Asori, it is also remarkable. because Asori has forgotten how to trust.

but it is one thing for Asori to sacrifice herself, and her morals; it is another thing to sacrifice Cassian. but she does, time and time again. there are hints, in GRAY AREAS, that she is gutted by what becomes of Cassian under her wing:

“You’ll get used to it. I know that sounds impossible. But you will. You learn to disconnect from it all. Impassivity is survival.”

Cassian always understands why she does what she does, even when he doesn’t like it. the big instance of this is when Wada dies, and Asori decides not to tell Cassian for months. he understands why she has made this decision, and also thinks she was right; but boy, does it sting. he’s bitter about it. (and he’s like 17, so.) this is also a critical lesson for him, though: it’s the cost of leadership. it’s a warning of what he will have to do when, eventually, he comes to be in her shoes. (see: Cassian neglecting to inform Jyn and the rest of Rogue One that he is going to kill Galen).

she tells herself that Cassian is only doing what SHE would do, if she were in his place, but she forgets to ask herself if that cost has been worth it. if, were she given the opportunity to change her story; would she?

“I want you to tell me why you’ve called me in here.”

“It’s not that terrible. I just... I have to ask you to do something, and I dislike asking more of you than I already have.”

“Asori... That’s what I’m here for. To work, to... To do things that are difficult, and dangerous. You know that.”

“I know. But I... I think I forgot, at some point. You are very young, Cassian, and I forget that sometimes. I treat you like an equal, and we are not equals.”

No; she wouldn’t. not for herself. but perhaps there is still time for Cassian.

Asori is not the kind of person who straight-up says I love you. she demonstrates it in other ways. in GRAY AREAS, the story where Cassian dies at the end (canonically), she ultimately leaves her position at the Academy. when asked why she has done this, she says it had finally happened; the Empire had asked too much of her. and that’s to continue working for them after they have killed Cassian. that’s the bridge too far, after decades, for her.

in the later Nonsense stories, Cassian’s the one they call after she’s almost killed on Coruscant. he is who she wants to be with her when she dies, and who she wants to make any arrangements for her. there’s a lot of talk in the Nonsense about the intimacy of trusting your past and your future to someone, and that’s what Asori does here.

Cassian would never straight-up tell Asori that he loves her because she would get so awkward, lol. but she knows it, because he also demonstrates this. in YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS, he goes to Coruscant, a very very dangerous thing for him, because he wants Asori to meet Jyn. in AMOR FATI, he asks her to travel to Zastiga to see him get married, and she does; she drops everything to do so. she goes to Fest to see Fima. etc. etc. etc.

and all of this, of course, also illustrates how he really listened to her and what she had to say. because she did warn him of the importance to remember the nice things, to remember what keeps him going, to remember that Taraja loved him, etc. he forgets for a bit, and then he remembers it all. it seems like a small thing, Asori pushing this idea, but I think it saves his life, more than once.

anyway. lol. thank you for this reply and giving me the opportunity to prattle on about Asori.

tl;dr: Asori is a badass and a hero

[muffinworry]

Thoughts on A Darker Shade of Magic

Thoughts on A Darker Shade of Magic (full of spoilers):

 ***

I have such mixed feelings about this book. I tore through it, made about 5 of my friends read it, made my first ever cosplay for it, and, and yet…

 It’s hard to think of another book that’s frustrated me quite like this one. I’d recommend it to anyone who wants a light, brisk read through an engaging fantasy world. My problem with it, though, is really that it could have been so much more. It’s a case of a beautiful setting and interesting characters, rather let down by rather simplistic writing and /plot.

 The setting:

Four separate Londons: Grey (our London, c. 1819), Red (a healthy magic empire), White (starving and corrupt) and Black (lost and long-forgotten). Only the almost-extinct Antari magicians can travel between them. Our hero Kell is a young Antari, adopted into the royal family of Red London, and with no memory of his early years. He carries correspondence between the Grey, Red and White thrones (I’ll come to that in a minute), and has a bad habit of smuggling magical curiosities between the worlds, for a price. He promises his foster brother Rhy that he’ll stop before he gets into trouble, but of course he can’t resist one last delivery, which goes horribly wrong. He crosses paths with Lila, a clever street thief from Grey London, and together they have to make things right before all four worlds are destroyed.

 Schwab clearly loves London – our London – and the decision to set the story in the Regency period is a novel one. I can’t remember reading Georgian fantasy before. The image of Mad King George in his royal cell, writing letters to another world that nobody else believes in, is such a compelling one.  So why, with that great set-up, does Schwab ditch any further investigation of Regency London? Another review pointed out that our Grey London character, Lila, could come straight from modern America. Her language and thoughts are entirely modern. There doesn’t seem to be much reason for the historical setting, except the costumes and sword fighting. It’s a pity.

 Above all, I wanted more politics in the book, and more sense of the worlds we’re travelling through. It feels like such a wasted opportunity. It could have been a sprawling epic. To set the book in Regency London, at a time when England has just lost its American colony, and the French revolution is still fresh in peoples’ minds, at a time when the old order is being overthrown, and the idea of monarchy itself is being questioned, that’s fascinating to me. Why not take that as the backdrop, and contrast it with Prince Rhy, heir to a 1000-year-old empire, now at risk because he happens not to have been born with strong magic.

 Let us really feel Rhy’s desperation, his need to prove himself and his fear of letting everyone down, that drives him to accept White London’s dangerous gift in the first place. And White London, where there’s no such thing as a dynasty, where the throne changes hands with violence every few years – show us the innovative ways that its citizens have evolved to make do without magic. Give me a White London that was forced to develop technology at a much faster rate because it couldn’t rely on its scarce magical resources. For that matter, what does religion look like, in a world where every new ruler promises to free the people, to bring back the magic? Where the people are desperate to believe, even though they’ve seen fraud after fraud? Red London abandoned White, centuries ago, and left them to starve, and White is understandably furious and sees themselves as entitled to take reparations in whatever way they can. There’s a lot that could have been written there about colonialism and empire, and the plundering of natural resources that leads to war. The book could have been a meditation on power and politics, and what it means to sit on a throne.

 And against this backdrop of worlds in upheaval, you have a story of family and love and sacrifice. This is where the book is stronger.

 The characters

 Kell is the central character, the one whose point of view anchors the book. As an Antari, his rare magic makes him a target, a threat, or a prize for everybody, from his adoptive parents, to the villains. Kell is fairly well fleshed out: he’s good-hearted, but he has a temper; he can’t resist showing off at times, he’s prone to self-pity, he makes some very questionable decisions, and he can be violent, even cruel. He loves his family but feels trapped and used by them too, with some justification (and what a great scene where Lila scornfully tells him that at least he grew up with a roof over his head).

 Prince Rhy, Kell’s brother, seems to be many readers’ favourite, and it’s easy to see why. He’s just immensely appealing; a charming flirt who nevertheless wants to do right by his kingdom, and worries intensely that he may not be up to the job. He wants to Kell to settle down, to stop risking himself, to fit better in into the royal family. At the beginning of the book, Kell is chafing at his family bonds; by the end, he’s longing for them. Rhy and Kell love each other, despite their flaws and it’s written so sincerely, that by the time Rhy is in danger, it’s utterly believable that Kell would sacrifice himself to save his brother.

 Delilah (Lila) Bard, the street thief from Grey London, suffers from a case of “I’m not like those other girls.” She scorns dresses and corsets, and yearns to be a pirate. She’s rash and outspoken, confident that she’ll win in every situation, and spends most of the book exasperating everyone she comes into contact with. Rather a cliché. I can see why many readers find her insufferable. Personally, I think she has just enough charm to get away with it, but only just. My biggest problem, like I said above, is that she doesn’t seem at all connected to 1800s London. More worryingly, she’s the only female character given POV chapters, and the book sorely needs more women interacting. As @danceny pointed out in their review, the Queen, Kell’s foster mother, says virtually nothing in the entire series. (For that matter, what’s the role of women, as a whole, in Red and White London societies?)

 Lila also responsible for this line that made me grit my teeth:

 “Tell me, do you underestimate everyone, or just me? Is it because I’m a girl?”

 Note that at the time, Kell is trying to persuade her not to fight Astrid, who is not only female, but also older and much more powerful than Lila. It’s a nonsensical outburst from the streetwise Lila, and feels like an example of Schwab trying to prove how not-sexist her hero Kell is, rather than building a comprehensively egalitarian world.

 So Lila reads less like a strong female character and more like a Strong Female Character ™ but I will say that her primary motivation is to get her own ship, and while she undergoes some character growth, she stays focused on her goal, and the book doesn’t derail on a forced romantic plot, for which I’m eternally grateful.

 Athos and Astrid Dane, the twin rulers of White London and absolute monsters, whose only redeeming quality is their fierce love for each other. I would have liked more about their relationship, and how it could be contrasted with Kell and Rhy’s.

 Disclaimer: I was reading about Les Enfants Terribles right before I read ADSOM, and Kerry Greenwood’s description of Jean and Jeanne Bourgoint as “Doomed, inseparable, morphine-slender and golden" definitely coloured how I saw the Danes. I don’t know if Schwab intended it, but right from the beginning, I assumed that the Dane twins are dying, that the cancerous magic they have to use to hold onto the throne is rotting them from the inside out, and that’s why they’re so desperate to break through to healthy Red London.

 It’s a testament to Schwab that she created a pair of villains who drink blood and tile their palace with the bones of their enemies, and still manage to be frightening instead of laughably over the top. I’ll be honest: I love how much fun they have in the book. In every single appearance, they’re having the time of their lives. I love a gleefully unrepentant villain. The scene where they get Kell drunk is horrifying and hilarious.

 Holland, the only other Antari (that we know of...), is a servant of the White throne, and we find out later, is actually soul-bound to obey Athos Dane. If the Danes are glorious monsters, Holland is the other kind of villain, the one with the tragic backstory and the possibility of redemption. We get Holland’s history through Kell, and we don’t really know much about Holland’s own thoughts and feelings. He exists to hinder Kell and Lila, and to be a living warning to Kell about the dangers of power and ambition. It’s a another good moment when Kell finally sees himself through Holland’s eyes, and realizes just how young and naïve he must seem to the other Antari.

 Magic

 Hmmm. I really like the idea of magic as a sentient natural resource that can be compelled, or pleaded with. The scene where Kell has to beg the magic to open a door for him is great (and highlights the importance of the word please). Magic as a dangerous commodity, a bit like nuclear energy, something that has to be handled with great care, something that society is founded on. It makes a great deal of sense in the book, which is why the reveal in Book Two was a bit disappointing to me, but I’ll talk about that in another review.

Plotholes

 I’d love it if anyone would like to clarify these, because it’s entirely possible that I missed out on something, but, plotholes that threw me while I was reading:

 -       The Coup

-       Kell in White London

-       What was in those letters

 The Coup: What exactly is the Danes’ plan? And why doesn’t it have more fallout?

 So. The twins find a broken stone from Black London, and realize that they can use it to tear down the doors between the worlds and seize the Red throne. Half of it needs to go to Red London, to do that. They don’t want to send Holland because if he’s caught, it’ll be obvious that it’s their plot, so they trick Kell into carrying it home with him. Fine. So far so good.

 But.

 Why then, do they immediately send Holland after Kell, to murder and set fire to Red London while he chases Kell in the world’s least subtle chase? Astrid already has Rhy under her control; why send Holland at all? 

 For that matter, Kell is convinced that it can’t be the Danes who slipped him the stone, because as power-hungry as they are, they’d surely never let go of it, which is a good point, so how are the Danes unaffected by the stone?  Kell and Lila are both terribly tempted by it, but the greedy and possessive twins aren’t?

 Finally, the coup fails, but not before Astrid compromises the entire royal family and half the nobility at the ball, and the palace guards. Combined with the black magic plague, this should have terrible ramifications for the stability of Red London society and politics. Yet by the end of the book, it seems to have been largely hushed up.

 Kell in White London:

 The timeline seems off here. Kell is 22(?) or thereabouts? He’s been to White London several times; he met Holland and the old king before the Danes took the throne. But the Danes have been in power for nearly 8 years (in a world where the throne usually changes hands every 1-2 years, per canon).  Was Maxim really sending his young teenage son to run his errands in a warzone?  And when Astrid sees Kell, she says “let me see how you’ve grown,” which would make sense if she hasn’t seen him for years, but Kell’s been there often enough that the populace knows him, and we know there’s a regular correspondence between White and Red London. It’s a small point, but it brings me to my biggest issue, which is,

 The Letters:

 What is in that correspondence between the thrones? We’re told that the letters to Grey London are simple formalities, due to George III’s failing health, but the ones between Red and White London are “constant and involved” and leave King Maxim worried and stressed. People (apart from Kell and Holland) can’t travel between the worlds, nor can goods, so what, exactly, is there to talk about? Why does Maxim even bother to correspond with the murderous and borderline insane twins? What do they write about?  Inquiring minds want to know.

 The Writing

 So. Love and sacrifice, freedom vs. safety, and the cost of power, are the themes of the book. They’re never really explored in-depth, though, and the book reads more as older YA than as an adult novel. A more literary book would have strengthened these themes, and shown rather than told us about them. The jumping between characters’ POVs is unsettling because so many minor characters get chapters of their own, and it feels unnecessary, like it’s a crutch to get information to the reader that we should really be inferring through the main characters, Kell and Lila. I’ll also note again that Lila is the only female character to get her own POV (where is my Astrid chapter??). The characters tend to explain their motivations out loud, in simplistic language, and their actions tend to be predictable.

 I think, on balance, the characters are just charming enough to get away with this, but others have disagreed, and I understand why.

 The writing is lovely at times; at others, it made me grit my teeth in annoyance. There are some subtle bits I enjoyed on second reading (“Rhy” sipping tea while waiting for Kell to wake up, and wearing a mask instead of his usual crown) but for the most part, the language is simplistic and repetitive. 

 What Schwab does very well is write visual scenes. A few things I can’t wait to see in a tv adaptation:

 -       The blood-red Thames

-       The “stone forest” in White London

-       The scene in the Grey London pub, with Kell showing off for Ned

-       Lila and Astrid fighting, both in Regency men’s clothes, one in black, one in white

-       The soiled cathedral of White London’s castle, all vaulting marble beauty and bloodstains.

-       The masquerade scene because I am such a sucker for a masquerade ball

-       The costumes, oh my goodness

-        Kell’s coat

Anyway. A few scattered thoughts. I didn’t mean to ramble on quite this much. It’s a good book, I have a soft spot for it, and I’m looking forward to reading the third when it comes out in February. I just think that it could have been so much more.