#Perfectionism is being the bane of my existence still

[jollytrolley]

@caller-id-cant-stop-me's Nyamco!

[mechawolfie]

WAAAA I wish I talked more during the trans gathering there were so many ppl I wanted to talk to.... curse u social anxiety!!!!

[wholesomereb]

it’s been a couple of days (4 i think) and I’m all better now uwu 

The irrational thoughts are gone and although HECK do I wish I pursued skating for the last 15 years I realised I most likely wouldn’t have had dealt with childhood stuff/perfectionism/competitiveness/wouldn’t have done it for the fun of it/developed my passion for it healthily

Mainly because up until last year I have always struggled with pursuing things without it getting out of hand in the sense of it having to be 10/10

I would’ve likely developed an ED sooner and retained it for much longer/never had given it up, as even now I still cling onto some beliefs from the past (I still lowkey believe I don’t need to get rid of my perfectionism, so I’m not out of the woods yet, but I know it’s harmful and I try to work against it daily). 

I would’ve likely had a BRILLIANT social life (my old friendship groups are all living the life) but?? I likely would’ve stayed an ass. I’m currently working my way back to being an ass, but in a nicer way. I definitely want my self confidence back to approach people and exist?? confidently and to be at least partially as  opinionated as before.

I would’ve retained the all-or-nothing thinking though, because of the rigid education system and living with my father xd I’d be going all in, 24/7 and would’ve likely burned out quite fast (although I barely felt any pressure the first 11 years from what I remember, but then again, rose tinted glasses, eh). It definitely does eat away, especially at a child.

All-or-nothing thinking was my bane when it came to the UK and at first it kinda??? kept me afloat. It was easy doing better, because the expectations were lower. I still ended up miserable though, as I ended up comparing my education level with those back at home and then I hit a certain point at which I did not care about catching up and also lost my standing in the UK (jeez, 6 years ago now) and I just... stopped caring about being perfect in everything I do and gave up on everything??? Ofc this was coupled with intense trauma but y’know, idk I likely would’ve still had it rough even without it

Idk if it was the depression or just my personality in general, but I actively remember not knowing how to do things for the fun of it. I always had to be better than others. If I wasn’t on top of everyone around, that was game over. I ended up quitting chess because I couldn’t find new people to beat. I also quit other things because I wasn’t doing well enough to beat others, deeming them as “stupid”. Any entertainment I classed as a waste of time and would ACTIVELY shit on it (incl anime, boo me). Needing to be the best came to ice skating too. I enjoyed it but not if I couldn’t outperform everyone around me, which is shitty honestly

I went for one skate approx 5 years ago in my home country where a really big chunk of boys do ice hockey and a huge chunk of girls did figure skating, and the friendship groups are mega mixed. Seeing them all skate so well made me so envious and upset and also self-conscious. It’s an ugly way to feel. I both pity and feel sad for that version of myself. I didn’t wanna step out on ice on any of my visits back home again (not that I had an opportunity). 

 In the last year I’ve gone to tremendous lengths in recovery and have grown exponentially (thanks to all the anime boys supporting me in my journey).

I remember watching Haikyuu!! and thinking “How can Hinata be sO CONFIDENT AND NOT BE PUT DOWN BY COMPETITION??? THATS PURE FEAR, I COULD NEVER” (cue to me giving up about 6 years ago because I realised I cannot do it all and hardly pursued anything head on since)

but now??? oh my god stepping out on ice I was dreading those feelings would come flooding back and i’d feel like a wet sock just like I did 5 years ago. Instead?? PURE JOY WATCHING MY BABIES BE GOOD AND DO SO SO FRICKING WELL (yes, I adopted all the skaters in the rink and I refuse to think of them as anything but my children tyvm)

I literally spent the entire session grinning and trying to do the things they did. Watching their moves, realising that thIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BE LIKE and I will GET THERE but NOT??? In a competitive way??? Like... They’re doing something AWESOME?? I want to learn the awesome thing too for MYSELF??? not to look cool, no.. just because I wanT TO??? AAAA

AND I TOO DID BRILLIANT??? DESPITE BARELY BEING OUT ON ICE MY ENTIRE LIFE, HERE I WAS, DOING BRILLIANT??

Some peeps stood out more than others. I could definitely tell who wasn’t just doing it for the fun of it and it made me so darn happy to see them train towards getting better. PURE inspiration

Idk,my perspective shifted so much over the last twelve months. You know that step ladder that goes I can’t do it->I want to do it ->I’ll try to do it->I did it (some steps omitted)? That stuff is legit. I shot up from one end to the other in just a year and BOY DOES IT FEEL GOOD

I’ve still got a lot of stuff to work on/sort within myself, but I’d like to think I’ve put my biggest yikesies to rest. As much as I like to glamorise my life back in my home country, I would’ve likely grown up to be a very angry, selfish, and perhaps even bitter individual, who’d use people just to get what they want. It doesn’t sound like a bad strat, but it’s just so cold, and lonely, and not at all how i want to be in the long term

[cw-s12]

KAS' WEEKLY WRAP UP #1

What a week it has been!

It was so nerve-wracking and intimidating to be in a cohort of such talented and interesting people but once we broke the ice, I realised how lovely everyone was and that we're all in it together (can't believe my very first post starts off with a HSM ref but we move).

Day 1 - Rules & Tips / Agencies

We went through some ground rules to help us get the most out of the course, but I think the most important one and the one I struggle with, is to just ENJOY it! My perfectionism and constant need to take notes of every sentence said is the bane of my existence but I will continue to work on it so hopefullyyyyy, I'll be able to let loose and have fun with everyone else.

We learned about the different agencies, which was all very new to me, so it was interesting to learn about what goes on behind the adverts we see everywhere.

Day 2 - Mindfulness / Mental Health / Confidence

Day 2 was pretty overwhelming for me as we covered so much but it was such an important session to have - our mental health is a hidden battle each one of us fights every day so I'm so grateful to Simone and Tangina for bringing in awesome people to help us through it.

I enjoyed Holly's mindfulness exercise because it taught me the importance of being present so I'm going to do my best to meditate more.

We were blessed with the presence of Ore Ogungbayi and she imparted to us so much wisdom. Her honesty and strength inspired the group to open up and I know I'll be going back to her teachings to get me through tough times.

Chris Forrester kindly came in to help us build confidence and it was really interesting to learn the concept of your thoughts being in the past/present/future. I learnt that a lot of my anxiety comes from not living in the moment - my head is worried about something in the future that 99% of the time, is probably not going to happen.

Day 3 - Cultural Tribes

This day was the highlight of my week because I couldn't stop smiling at everyone's cultural tribes, they were so funny! I was sooo nervous to say my one since I knew it'd be controversial (but I stand by my statement: Nando's is still overrated). Once it was over tho it wasn't so bad. I ended up connecting with the group through our mutual love for dogs and anything Korean!

Day 4 - Personal Bios & Vision Letters

I completely flopped on my vision letter because, for some reason, I couldn't wrap my head around having to write a letter... to myself... that I will open a year later... and reading about things that have happened... yeah, I still don't get it :')

BUT I love the idea, and I'm going to try again because you can never predict life and it'll be really amusing to read back next year :)

~ Kas

[thejgatsbykid]

tagged by @futurecatladies thank u dear

color(s) i’m currently wearing: all navy all the way down! navy avengers pajama pants and a navy college sweatshirt, bc i’m home, ill, and suffering, so fashion can stuff itself

last band t-shirt i bought: don’t own any. unless u count marching band, which i actually totally do, in which case the last one I bought is gonna be the show shirt from my senior year (did I have to buy that? can’t recall) but the last one i acquired is gonna be the volunteer shirt for the drum corps my brother marched with

last band i saw live: have never been to a concert! unless, of course, u count marching band, which, again, I totally do! in which case I thiiiiink the last live drum corps show I was at would’ve been in Temple, Texas? summer of 2014. might have been Atlanta, tho. Unless u count the simulcast, which I don’t, but I missed the 2017 one anyway bc my best friend and i couldn’t swing scheduling and i was still recovering from surgery

last song i listened to: Boy  by John Mark Nelson, which is incidentally my favorite song this week

lipstick or chapstick: chapstick bc i’m A Man but i still like to have soft lips

last movie i watched: me and @vicious-rhythm watched Safe Haven the other night it was exactly as corny as i remembered it being :)

last 3 tv shows i watched: God uhhh. I think Supergirl? I’ve been watching a lot of Late Show clips on youtube. I haven’t watched much tv lately.

last 3 characters i identified with: Tony Stark, bc today has been a day of confronting my deep-seated and overwhelming perfectionism, Kylo Ren bc I’m always lowkey feeling him yk, and Steve Rogers because I, too, Love Tony Stark w/ my whole gay heart

book i’m currently reading: Evelina by Frances Burney for my 18th-century novel class, and let me tell u it is surprisingly enjoyable considering epistolary format is usually the bane of my existence

I’m tagging vicious-rhythm, @soyeahso, @smols-darklighter, @i-am-thesenate, and whoever else wants 2 do it feel free to say i tagged u