You seek approval,
my subconscious implemented in my dreams. you build up illusions of yourself
and like a bridge thread of a spider web you give them to others
silky, sticky yet somehow,
you’re smooth enough to lure them to wrap you in all that you desire,
even if it’s their own pleasure.
you’re not stuck you’re waiting, for an ending or a beginning
an unsolicited death, an indefinite life
you fear your own madness but the edge of it is what you live for.
you wait, and wait and wait for love to visit the fragile home you made for yourself in this temporary world
but it’s not what you want, is it ?
because the moment it knocks on your door you rush to the arms of another,
paranoia or melancholy? It doesn’t matter.
you writhe and hiss until you shed a skin of a past life that you held on
For acceptance alone, if nothing else…
what is it that you truly desire?
•••
• Quotes: Susan Sontag/ Edgar Allan Poe/ Emily Dickinson/ Halsey/ Sylvia Plath/ Christa Wolf.
• Original context: Sinligh
• Art reference:
1. Art by Edward Burne-Jones. 2. Art from Sedmikrasky (Daisies). 3. Dave McKean, "Sandman" graphic novel. 4. Art by Roberto Ferri. 5. Painting by William Oxer. 6. Craww's "Woven".
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recovery
881 words, @wolfstarmicrofic
Once again, Sirius escaped. Thanks to his godson, James’s son, Harry, the boy so similar to his best mate. James.
On the back of a Hippogriff, he took off towards the full moon, Remus’s fear, Remus, Remus. Grey clouds swirled around them as they dipped to soar above the Forbidden Forest. Remus. Remus was there. Remus was loose, Remus was agitated, Remus was lashing out. The wolf. Remus was the wolf, the wolf was rampaging through the thicket, Sirius hadn’t stopped him, Sirius wasn’t protecting him, Remus wasn’t dangerous, Remus was scared.
Sirius heard him howl, and dived into the trees. He needed to guard Remus. If anything happened, Remus wouldn’t let himself live. And, life without—
He threw himself off Buckbeak, transformed, and landed on the pads of four feet, face-to-face with the wolf, scratching himself, tossing himself at trees; eyes shining and wet and terrified. He moved to tear at Sirius, so Sirius placed his paws on the wolf’s shoulders and pushed.
The wolf seemed calmer than he’d been before. No humans this time. Remus easily surrendered to the touch, staring at Buckbeak curiously. Another animal this time. Remus went limp, and Sirius’s large, shaggy dog form held the weight, lowering them to the forest floor, where Remus’s fatigue tugged him into slumber.
When Remus awoke, Sirius had torn his robes, to cover Remus’s body and his own, but it was cold. They sat at opposite sides of a shadowy clearing, Buckbeak at Sirius’s side.
Remus looked at him wearily. “Thank you.”
Sirius nodded stiffly, searching Remus’s face desperately. Something to clear the tension. “Why… why did you… why?” He pleaded, not sure what, but still needing answers.
Remus closed his eyes, lips twitching. When he opened them, his mouth curved in a small, crooked smile, “I don’t remember anything about last night. All I know is that when I saw your innocence, my mind went blank. I was… overtaken. By love. For you. Because… I’d always loved you. I still do, even when I thought you were guilty, and it was killing me—”
Sirius coughed, interrupting him. No talk of Remus dying. He tried to return the smile, lips twisting awkwardly. He felt out of place. Out of love. What was he supposed to say? “I don’t know what love is. But thank you.”
Surprisingly, Remus laughed. “You’re… welcome. And I think you do.” Delicately, he whispered, “James.”
Sirius felt his eyes well up. A place opened. “I— Yeah. I love James.” That was fact. He did know what love was, but he wished he didn’t, because it hurt. He looked at Remus. Remus loved him? Remus…
Remus nodded, head thunking against the tree trunk. No. No doing that. Sirius glared at the tree, willing it to stop. It stopped, and Remus looked at him. Those eyes. “James loves you too.”
Sirius let out a guttural sob. Wrenched from his constricted lungs, spat from his churning stomach, he keened, kneeled, cried. He flung into Remus’s chest, fisted the robe, choked into the cloth, “I do love you. I love you, I do love you. Remus, I love you.”
Remus stroked his hair, and hummed soothingly, “I’ll love you no matter what, Sirius. You don’t have to say that. Calm—”
“No, no,” Sirius cut in, shaking his head furiously. He clutched the sides of Remus’s face, because letting go meant letting go forever. “You don’t understand! Remus, I—” his breath caught.
Remus gave him an encouraging nod, reaching out to place his own hands on Sirius’s cheeks. “Breathe, Sirius. I will listen. You can explain what I don’t understand. Slowly. I will listen.”
Sirius’s breath stuttered, and he stared into Remus’s eyes. So caring, attentive, soft. Accepting, open, there. Sirius nodded slowly; took in a breath. “I… love James. I’ll always love James. I love James like part of my soul. I need James. Without him… I go mad. I am mad. I’m crazy and explosive and—”
“Sirius,” Remus whispered. “Breathe.”
Sirius shakily exhaled; gathered his thoughts. “James… he’s… my mind. We… we were on the same wavelength. We were twins, down to every last brain cell. Without my mind… well, I’ve lost my mind. Insanity, y’know. Without James, I’m unstable.” Sirius nodded to himself, looking down at his lap. This was why he was volatile. Not Azkaban. He’d lost James.
He met Remus’s eyes once more. They weren’t pushing; just there for him. He didn’t need Remus. Not like he needed James. He wanted Remus. “Remus… if you died, I wouldn’t lose my mind.”
Remus simply smiled, brushing his fingers over Sirius’s face. “Okay.”
“Listen. I would lose my life. If you died, Remus, I would die. I can live without James. I’m doing it right now. I’m deranged, but if you…” Sirius’s voice cracked. He couldn’t imagine it. “You… are my life. You die, I die. In fact, I need to die first. Remus, promise me. Don’t go dying first, please.”
Remus scanned his face. He was debating the worth of making empty promises. But Sirius needed this reassurance. He needed to die first.
Finally, Remus sighed. “I… promise. As long as we live, okay? We are going to live, now, in the moment, beautifully, like you… and I deserve.” He smiled softly, “We’re going to recover.”
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