#Rambunctious Red Light Runner

[howtohero]

Chases

Superheroes are called in to deal with a lot of weird crimes. From dodo smuggling rings to moon heists to werewolf dance offs, superheroes have been brought in for any and all weird events that you could possibly imagine. (Also, just a note: werewolf dance offs are not a crime, please don’t call your local superhero’s emergency hotline to report on. Let the wolfmen dance!) Sometimes the crime is so gosh darn weird that the perpetrator is a little bit embarrassed to be doing it. So embarrassed in fact, that they will do whatever they can to not get caught and arrested for doing the crime. Some crimes you just don’t want on your rap sheet you know? Stuff like pantsing jugglers or vandalizing houseplants. That’s not going to get you street cred in the supervillain community. So it transpires that when these criminals are caught committing these crimes, they will run away, and you will have to give chase. I hope you stretched.

I know what you’re all thinking: Is shame really the only motivator for a supervillain to flee a crime scene? Yes, of course it is. What do you think it is? Prison? Are you kidding me? They’ve yet to invent a supervillain prison that could actually hold any inmates for more than 168 hours. (If you wanna be the one to invent it see here.) 

Regardless of why they’re running away you still need to run after them. If you’re a speedster or a teleporter or a time-slower you can wrap that up quickly. You’re exempt from reading the rest of this. Go load up on carbohydrates or whatever you need to do to keep your powers at peak condition in preparation for the next chase... Now that those losers are gone, let’s get into some real talk. You ever think those guys are moving too fast? Like what’s the rush bud? Where’s the fire at? And they’re always being so snide about it right? They’re always like “I’ve been doing some jogging lately.” Oh you have have you? Been doing lots of jogging? You’re just a regular ol’ jogging dude aren’t you. Well then why aren’t you ever sweaty! Real joggers are sweaty and out of breath and cursing the concept of exercise. You and your whooshing and your blurring, you’re no real jogger. Get the heck out of here with that nonsense.

Anyway, for the rest of you, I recommend hopping into your vehicle before you start giving chase. Even if the perp is escaping on foot you can’t be sure that they don’t have a getaway vehicle waiting for them just around the corner or that they’re not going to be carried off by a flying monkey once they get out of that tunnel. You’d look like a real idiot chasing after a car or a flying monkey on foot. 

Not to mention, any time that you lose by locating your keys and getting into your call can be offset by the ginormous rocket boosters you’ve attached to the back of your car. You could be on the other side of the country in fifteen minutes, you’ll definitely be able to catch a juggler pantser (or a pants juggler though that is not a crime unless they’re juggling pants evilly) in no time at all. 

It’s when both of you are in vehicles that things get interesting. As I’m sure we all know, car chases are awesome. Really, you’re gonna have a blast. Weaving in and out of traffic. Popping wheelies. Doing flips over highway dividers. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “man, driving is boring,” prepare to have your tiny brain absolutely shattered. But before you can go off and drive into oncoming traffic there are a few things you need to do. First off, you need to make sure that your vehicle is of equal or higher power to your enemy’s vehicle. Supervillain vehicles are just as, if not more, audacious as superhero vehicles. They’re going to be loaded to gils with just as much inane stuff as your tumbler or light cycle or what have you. The Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runner’s Lightflaunter, for example, has a button in it that can alter traffic lights so that they’re always red. He has this so that he can be true to himself and specifically run red lights, but they can certainly make chasing after him a lot more difficult as well! If they have larger boosters or a more powerful engine or a sword sticking out of the rear bumper to prevent other cars from approaching from behind, you’ll need to both account for and be able to counter it. Even if their car is more technically advanced than yours it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to be able to make a clean getaway. You’re a superhero, which means you’ve got to be pretty creative. Far more creative than a villain who, when given powers, didn’t stop to think for even three seconds before deciding that crime was the best way to use them. So you can use the bad guy’s gizmos and doodads against them. The more things they use the larger the bigger the spectacle they’ll create which will no doubt catch the attention of other heroes in the area, which will in turn make it nigh impossible for the villain to actually escape for long. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if you have less cool stuff in your car, as long as you have the right thing and know how to properly use them. For example, if you have retractable wings on your car you’re pretty much guaranteed to win the chase, by simple virtue of the fact that you won’t have to be avoiding any vehicles on the ground. By that same logic, an ghost drive, which renders you and your car intangible, or a shrink disc, which makes your car tiny like the dopest matchbox car in history, are good things to have too. 

The second thing you’re going to need to worry about in a car chase is the fact that other people exist and were not informed that there’d be a crazy zigzagging wrong-way car chase going down on their commutes home. Car chases are one of the biggest sources of collateral damage and that’s because once a car chase starts all heroes are struck with some sort of tunnel vision (pun intended, as always) that prevents them from noticing other drivers. You need to shake yourself free of that. You can drive as crazily as you’d like, but if you’re going to do so you need to be so good at it that you don’t cause other cars to slam into each other or fly off of bridges. You also need to save any lives endangered by the fleeing villain. Sorry, that’s life. You may need to let the villain take a larger lead in order to haul a bus out of a river or something. That’s what you signed up for. Of course, if you had any brains, you’d have launched a tracker onto their vehicle as soon as they started driving away so you could just catch up with them when they got to where they were going. Then you don’t have to endanger anybody else at all. If you didn’t do that then the only way to prevent massive amounts of collateral damage is take advantage of one of the most reviled aspects of superhero life. (No, not Professor Paleontologist, geez, the guy might be reading this, be cool everybody.)

You guys remember the Fightrunners? The aliens who kidnap skilled fighters from across the galaxy and make them fight to the death aboard various starships? Well, there exists a sect of those aliens who find gladiator fights to be positively barbaric. They’re interested in a far more civilized competition of strength and valor. This group is known as the Racerunners, you’re going to want to get their attention fast. Instead of transporting heroes and villains off world to arenas filled with bloodthirsty spectators, Racerunners transport people participating in extreme car chases to deserted tracts of land and let them just run wild. This means you and your adversary can go all out with the full armaments of your vehicles in attempts to trip each other up and gain an edge over each other. But the Racerunners only take notice of the most interesting chases and races that they can find. So try to launch some fireworks or paint your vehicle bright colors or get an obnoxiously loud horn. Sure your vehicle won’t be any good for stealth missions after this but at least you’ll be featured on intergalactic television and go down in history as one of the wackiest racers of all time!

Chases can be a lot of fun, you get to push your car to the absolute limit, you get to finally justify having that caltrop launcher installed, you can say things like “I’ve got that need for speed!” For many it’s a dream come true. As long as you can avoid needlessly endangering civilians anything goes, traffic cops be damned. So, as soon as you hear about something embarrassing going down over your police scanner, get your aviator goggles and your reinforced tires ready, and get pumped for a car chase.

[briefololtragedy]

Wooden Blocks Ch 3

Chapter: Baby Steps

Pairing: MinaSaku

Rating G

Summary: Minato and Sakura meet outside of the clinic without Naruto. Word count 5500

Posted on AO3

Her feet hit the pavement hard. She could feel her muscles contract allowing the blood in her to pump faster. Her heart was beating out of her chest and she could tell her face was beet red. The music in her ears drowned out some of the noises around her as she ran down the streets. This was her weekend morning ritual. Wake up, put on her running gear, and run to her heart’s content. It was one of the few times she was able to shut off her brain. Well she tried to shut off her brain. She thought back to coffee with Ino a few weeks ago. 

“Come on Forehead tell me how the art gallery was. Did you guys have fun afterwards?” Ino kept wiggling her eyebrows. 

“The art was different. We walked around and then we got dinner. He took me home and then left. “ Sakura sipped her coffee. Allowing the aroma to fill her senses. She just couldn’t see Kakashi as more than just a friend. She couldn’t handle the fact that he was late. She understood the first time, but this time he was almost an hour late and no proper excuse. Then when she was around him it always felt off. When the highlight of the evening is talking to a patient’s father that’s a sign. 

“Seriously! That’s all you're going to give me. I need more details.”

“There is not much in the way of details. He was late by almost an hour. Showed up with just an ``I'm sorry'' and then we went on our date.” Sakura made sure to do her best man voice impression with the ‘I’m sorry.’ 

“Seriously Sakura, you need to stop finding fault with every guy you date. Don’t just focus on one small flaw.” Sakura did not see how wanting a date to be on time was a bad thing. There interests didn’t seem to mesh well. 

“Plus he brought you food that day. Wasn’t that so romantic?” Sakura rolled her eyes. Yeah romantic if you get judged for being hungry and not being ashamed to eat. She did thank Kakashi profusely for the kind gesture. 

“Give it more than just a couple of dates.” Sakura huffed into her coffee. 

She was trying to look past a few hiccups in her time with Kakashi. They seemed to do well talking over text, but when it came to being in person together the click just didn’t happen. She asked him to lunch yesterday and it just keeps falling flat with him. Sakura also didn’t care for his favorite reading material, Jiraiya was a class A pervert. 

Sakura forced her legs to go faster. Her mind wasn’t supposed to be overthinking. Its only job was to help her function in her run. After running for a little while longer she looked at her watch. Five miles. She slowed to a stop. Her muscles twitched in rhythm with her music. She needed food and coffee. Sakura lived close to the downtown area and her runs usually had her circling  the heart of the city. She looked around and noticed she was in one of the more hipster areas. 

A smile found its way on her face when she saw the antiqued green door to a coffee shop. It had recently opened and she had been dying to try it out. Sakura had almost thought to ask Kakashi to come with her to the shop last week but he didn’t like coffee. He also didn’t like mornings, so meeting before she had to go to work was a no go. 

The small bell on the top corner of the door chimed as she entered. The shop was decently packed for 9am on a Saturday. She easily made her way through the store to the counter. ‘Hmm all of this looks so good. I want to order everything.’ One of the reasons Sakura ran so much was because she enjoyed eating. Most days she ate so healthy a fitness nut would say to take a step back. However, those days were to balance out when all she wanted was carbs, sugar, candy, and chocolate. Yes, Sakura at times ate like the elf her patients thought she was. 

“I’ll have a White Chocolate Mocha with a pump of raspberry sauce and an order of blueberry pancakes, please.” Sakura could feel her blood sugar start to spike with her order, but she didn’t care. She wanted her sugar and no one will stand in her way. Her usual black coffee just wouldn’t cut it today. 

After paying she took her number and looked for a seat. She scanned the coffee shop looking for an open seat. She hoped to get one by the windows because the thought of drinking her sugar and people watching really appealed to her. However, she paused when she saw a familiar mess of blonde hair. 

“Mr. Namikaze?”

_____________________________

Over the last few weeks Minato felt like he was going at turbo speed. They were finally going to submit the proposal for the bank tower and he really wanted to get it. His desire to beat everyone else is what brought him into work on a Saturday morning. Well Naruto waking up at 6am this morning and then not wanting to go back to sleep also played a role in the decision as well. 

Minato dressed Naruto in a simple outfit with a baby Yoda top and light jacket. It was such a beautiful morning that Minato strapped Naruto in a baby carrier and walked to his office downtown. The streets were peaceful as he strolled down the streets. He passed a few runners, saw some people on their stoops getting their morning paper. Mornings were one of his favorite times of the day. He always enjoyed the stillness that came with mornings. How things didn’t have to be rushed. Kushina could never understand his love for mornings. 

“Why can’t you just go back to sleep. There are more hours in the day that you could be awake. Be lazy with me.” 

Minato loved their lazy mornings, but he didn’t want to waste a day when there was so much work to be done. He soon found himself walking into the lobby of the building his office was in. 

“Morning Mr. Namikaze. You just can’t escape this place it seems.” The security officer gave him a warm greeting. Minato just smiled and held Naruto closer to him. 

“Is that Naruto?” The security officer, Jin, had come over to take a peak. He would never forget all the conversations he had with Jin when he found out he was going to be a father. Jin had 3 older children and provided a lot of advice. However, it was one of his lowest mornings that Jin was there for him. 

It had been a month since Naruto was born and Minato went into work on a Sunday morning. He just sat in his office. For the first time tears fell from his eyes. 

“I don’t know how I am going to do this.” He just wanted to wallow in his misery. Minato wanted to be alone, but Jin was checking the floors on his daily rounds. 

“Mr. Namikaze is everything alright?” Minato wanted to say that no nothing was alright. Everything was wrong. How the hell was he going to raise a child on his own. Kushina would be able to do it without batting an eye. Minato didn’t read all of the baby books. He didn’t look at preschools and daycares before Naruto came into the world. Minato could barely put a diaper on in the baby classes. 

Jin seemed to read his thoughts and he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry about Kushina. She was a wonderful woman.” Jin paused. Minato found the tears falling faster. 

“Mr. Namikaze I have 3 kids of my own. I know you can raise Naruto and give him a wonderful life. My late wife died 2 years after our last was born. I found myself the sole caretaker of 3 rambunctious and moody girls. There are a lot of twists and turns in the life of parenting. The pain of losing a spouse will lessen overtime, but you will see her whenever you look into the eyes of your boy. I still see my wife in everything my girls do.”

Minato knew what it was like to lose his parents. It crushed him that Naruto would never have his mother. 

“Do you ever feel like you were never enough?” 

“All the time. But let me tell you something. As long as you love him that is more than enough.” 

“Yes. Decided he should start earning money early for all the diapers we go through.” Jin gave him a deep laugh. They talked briefly and after 10 minutes, 8 of which Jin held Naruto and almost didn’t let him go, Minato ventured to his office. The moment he stepped in he realized one important fact. He forgot something for Naruto to sit in. ‘Crap’ Why didn’t he think further ahead! Minato looked around his office. He really wanted to work, but didn’t want to keep the heavy baby carrier on him. He strolled over to his desk trying not to panic. As he sat down in his chair he looked around. He then realized he had a suit jacket on the back of his door. He can lay the jacket out on the floor and Naruto could lay on that! Plus Naruto was holding his fox toy so that should provide enough entertainment for Minato to get some work done. 

Within a few short minutes Minato was going over the proposal for the millionth time. Apparently in the middle of working Naruto fell asleep. It wasn’t until a knock on his office door happened that Minato realized the time. It was now 830am and he had been working for the last hour. He looked up to see who was at work today.

“Rin? Obito? What are you two doing here?” The couple were dressed casually both in jeans and simple shirts. Minato laughed when he realized they were in matching shirts. He really wanted Obito to propose soon. The last time they talked he was planning on it in the next couple of months. 

“No Minato the important question is why are you at work on a Saturday morning?” Rin was taping her foot and hands on her hips. 

“This proposal…”

“The proposal is perfect and will be submitted first thing Monday morning.” It was Obito who cut him off. Minato wanted to protest. 

“Don’t even start Minato. You need a break, so here is what is going to happen. Obito and I will take Naruto for the morning. You will go enjoy some time to yourself. Heaven knows that you have not taken a break since Naruto was born.” Minato tried to butt in, but Rin kept going. 

“And we at least won’t get pizza sauce on Naruto.” Rin was now pulling him out of his chair. Obito had gathered Naruto from the floor, he somehow strapped the baby carrier to his chest already. Soon the foursome were in the elevator heading to the lobby. 

“Have a good weekend guys.” Jin happily waved as they walked through the lobby. 

“You too Jin and thanks for the text.” Obito waved enthusiastically. 

“What text?” Minato didn’t like what he was thinking. “Did you have Jin keep tabs on me?” 

Rin and Obito looked at each other and simultaneously answered. “We plead the 5th.” 

Minato tried to follow them, but Rin wasn’t having it. “Go find a coffee shop or something to sit in.” When did Rin become so bossy?

So Minato ended up slowly strolling down the streets of downtown. He realized that he was needing another caffeine hit and could use some food as well. His attention was caught by a new coffee shop with an eclectic feel. ‘This will do.’ Once he saw the menu the fate was sealed. He ordered a simple plan late and a lavender vanilla scone. He soon found his place in one of the booths by the windows. It didn’t take too long before he pulled out his iPad and started to read, Ready Player One. 

He tried to shut his worrying mind off. Soon Minato became engrossed in the novel; he didn’t see a certain pink haired doctor walk in, not until he heard her sing-song voice. 

“Mr. Namikaze.” Minato looked up and all the air left his lungs. Standing before him was Dr. Haruno in running shorts and a sleeveless racer back exercise top. 

“Dr. Haruno. How are you?” His heart was pounding so hard he thought it would pop out of his chest. 

“Sakura.” He just stared at her. 

“Excuse me.” Minato was confused. 

“Please call me Sakura. We are outside of work and I feel weird when people call me a doctor outside of work. And I am doing good Mr. Namikaze. How are you?” Minato felt like an idiot. She was saying to call her by her first name. He really wanted to hit his head on the table. 

“Minato. Please call me Minato then. I am doing well.” Sakura smiled at him. He then realized she was holding a number card and he also realized there were no seats available. Minato weighed the pros and cons of asking what he was about to. In the end he didn’t want Sakura to leave. 

“Please join me. There are no other open seats and it looks like you have ordered.” He could tell she was hesitant. The moment she sat across from him he felt the small victory. 

Sakura wasn’t sure what possessed her to sit down with Mr. Namikaze. Minato, she corrected in her head. Although as she thought about it, it was the logical choice. He had an empty seat and she needed to eat. He looked more relaxed so relaxed when he was reading she hated bothering him. As she looked around she realized someone was missing. 

“Where’s Naruto?” Sakura found herself a little disappointed the other familiar mop of blonde hair wasn’t present. There was something about Naruto’s smile that tugged at her heart. He was sure to be a heartbreaker. 

“Two of my friends took him for the morning. They wanted to give me a break.” Minato almost felt jealous of his own son. How many women would want to be in this position? As much as he was annoyed at not being the main focus it warmed him on the inside that Naruto’s pediatrician cared so much for him. 

“That’s so sweet of them. They won’t eat pizza while holding him I hope.” Her smirk caused his stomach to summersault. 

“No, they are much more responsible. I’m sure Rin wants it as practice for their future. Although Obito has to propose first.” Minato was surprised at the ease of carrying a conversation with her. Their conversation was interrupted when Sakura’s order arrived. He had never seen someone so happy to see food. He couldn’t help but chuckle at her kid in the candy store look on her face. 

The smell of her coffee and pancakes filled her nostrils. She could smell the warm blueberries from the pancakes and a hint of lemon. Her coffee was strong, but the white chocolate and raspberry cut through some of the bitter notes as she took her fist sip. She wasted no time drizzling the pancakes with the blueberry syrup. She had to slow her actions remembering the last time she scarfed down food in front of Kakashi. All of Sakura’s self control went to stopping herself from devouring everything. 

Minato could see the struggle in her eyes as she slowly ate her food. Looking at her attire she likely spent the morning working out and was likely to be starving. 

“You don’t have to hold back eating your food in front of me. What were you doing this morning?” Sakura was touched by his words. 

“I went for one of my runs, so I am very hungry.” She didn’t fully unleash all her enthusiasm onto her pancakes, but did pick up the pace. They were so flaky and melted in her mouth, worth every calorie. They sat in a comfortable silence as Sakura ate and Minato read. Sakura felt like the two names she heard were familiar, but didn’t know from where. 

Halfway through her food her stomach was happy enough to slow down. She then took in the appearance of the man she was sitting with. The first time she met him she realized how drop dead gorgeous he was, he still is. It’s no wonder why all the nurses swoon for him. 

Soon they were parting ways. Sakura could only make it through half of her coffee, but was able to get it in a to-go cup with some black coffee added to it. 

“Thank you for letting me sit with you Mr...Minato. Tell Naruto I said hi.” Just like that he watched Sakura walk away. 

Minato texted Rin to see where they were. His nerves were on end until she texted back. Relief rushed over him once she said they were back home. Rin had a spare set of keys to his home and wanted Naruto to be in a familiar environment. 

It was a quick walk back home. The moment Minato walked into his home he took out his phone to take a picture. Obito was sprawled out on the couch, Rin nestled into him, and Naurto played on Obito’s chest. Rin heard the snap of his phone and looked up. 

“Minato! You’re back. How was your break?” Rin easily navigated over Obito and Naruto to get up. Minato thought back to his time with Sakura. 

“It was just what I needed. Thank you for strong arming me into it.” Naruto startled to babble as he heard his father’s voice. Minato wasted no time in picking him up. Obito yawned and stretched. 

“We should better get going. I expect to be babysitting more often.” Rin gave Minato a quick hug and kicked Obito as they walked out the door. 

Minato sat down on his couch, Naruto on his knee. He bounced him up and down. After being in the coffee shop he realized how quiet his home was. 

“You will never guess who I ran into today.” Naruto just tilted his head to the side and smiled. 

“Dr. Haruno says hi.” 

__________________________

The energy in the office was chaotic. They had just submitted the proposal and knew time would move at a snail's pace until they heard. It could be today or in the next couple of weeks. Minato wanted to throw up. He couldn’t think about all the what ifs, so started to check on the progress of their other buildings. 

Currently they were working on a couple of restaurants for the Akimichi family, the Uhiha’s were wanting a revamped police station, and the Nara’s wanted a second building for their accounting firm. He also had that strange job from Nagato from a group called Akatsuki. Minato still didn’t know what the group did. All he got from Nagato was that the group represented a variety of different interests in a variety of areas.   

Lunch was eaten at his desk as he worked through the hour. He didn’t want to stop. If he stopped he would just worry about that stupid proposal for Sarutobi International Bank. Minato looked up and saw Kakashi and Obito fooling around. Those two were only a couple of years younger than him, but acted like toddlers. At least Rin had a decent head on her shoulders. 

He was pulled out his thoughts when his secretary called him. It was the Sarutobi group. They were calling already. They must have looked at the building proposal, laughed, and then threw it in the garbage. 

“This is Minato.” His hands started to sweat. 

“Minato, my boy. This is Hiruzen Sarutobi. I just wanted to tell you we got a lot of different architecture firms submitting some top notch building proposals.” Yep here came the rejection. 

“Your group’s proposal was such an easy standout we didn’t have to debate for long. This was one of the smoothest meetings we have had for our buildings. Typically we take at least a month to decide.” Minato’s jaw dropped. Did Hiruzen just say…

“Congratulations Minato. Your firm has been chosen to build our newest tower. My office will send over the details in the next couple of days.” 

“Tha…” He had to cough to clear his voice. “Thank you sir. I look forward to working with you.” Minato sat back as he hung up the phone. His mind was still processing what just happened. When he looked up he saw his staff looking at him. He got up slowly from his desk and walked out to talk to them. 

Kakashi and Obito stopped fooling around. Rin had gone back to her own job after visiting Obito for lunch. He took in the faces of his staff. 

“I’m sure you all would like to know what that call was about. As you probably heard, that was Hiruzen Sarutobi who just called. He wanted to inform us…” Minato paused wanting to build the dramatic effect. “He wanted to tell us we got the job! We will be building their newest bank tower.” Cheers soon erupted. Obito looked like he was about to have a heart attack. 

“We need to celebrate. What do you think boss, how about Friday?” Obito was bouncing up and down. Minato thought about the idea. His staff deserved to celebrate the news. 

“That sounds good. I’ll see if one of Choza’s restaurants could cater for us. Obito, I expect Rin to be there. Kakashi try not to be too late.” Minato went to walk away when he heard Obito speak. 

“Come on Kakashi you have to bring the woman you have been seeing. Rin and I are dying to meet her. “ Wait Kakashi was seeing someone! How did he not know about this? Minato turned around and Kakashi was sending texts to someone. As Minato walked around his staff letting them know about the party he soon heard Kakashi’s phone ring. Minato didn’t care to listen to the conversation, but wondered who this mystery woman could be. 

___________________________

Sakura walked into the office Monday morning more refreshed than she had been in months. She felt so energized that she went for a run this morning. Usually she waited till evening to run, but with the endorphins released this morning she needed to switch to morning. Seeing that her schedule was fully booked didn’t even bother her. Bring on all of the antibiotics seeking parents for their child’s viral infection and teenage girls with abdominal pain. 

It seemed like time flew because the next thing Sakura knew  she was seeing her last patient. As she walked back to her office she saw she had messages from Kakashi. His last message said to give him a call when she could. She wondered what he wanted to talk about. Sakura prepared herself for ‘the talk’ as she called him. 

“Hey Kakashi. It’s Sakura.” She was slightly surprised when she heard his voice having an excitement in it she never heard before. 

“Sakura thanks for getting back to me. I was wanting to know what your plans are for Friday night.” That was not the question she was expecting. 

“I don’t have any at the moment.” Before she could continue Kakashi cut in. 

“How would you feel about coming to a work party with me on Friday. The firm I work with just got this big job and the boss wants to celebrate. I was wanting to bring you with me.” Sakura’s heart warmed at him wanting her to come with him. 

“I would love to go with you. Let me know the time and if yo…”

“Great I will pick you up at 8.” Sakura could hear people celebrating in the background. 

“I’ll see you then.” Sakura sighed as she hung up the phone. Mei happened to be walking by as she sighed. 

“What’s with the heavy sigh?” Sakura looked at her coworker. She was drop dead gorgeous, long reddish brown hair and green eyes. Sakra couldn’t understand how she was still single. 

“Oh I’m just debating how late my date will be picking me up Friday night.” Sakura thought she would play it safe and plan for him to be 30 minutes late. 

“I would kill for a guy to be late, it would give me more time to get ready. I’m never ready in time. Do you want me to cover your call shift that night? I think it would be fair since you covered for me a month or so ago.” Sakura forgot she was supposed to be on call. She was thrilled that Mei offered to take the shift without being asked. 

“That would be amazing.” Now all Sakura had to do was figure out what to wear. Mei bid her a good night as they both headed out. 

___________________________

Sakura stared at herself in the mirror. It was currently 820 and Kakashi wasn’t here yet. She had just finished her hair and makeup. After talking with Ino she decided to do a side french braid in her hair and then gathered the rest into a ponytail. She kept her makeup in neutral tones, but used her shimmery eyeshadow palette, giving her a grey smokey eye. It was now time to put on her dress. 

She had gone with Ino yesterday after work to pick out something. Sakura wasn’t fully sure about the dress code for this event, so wanted something that could be dressy or more casual if needed. They had found a deep red off the shoulder fit n flare dress. She was going to pair it with her silver wedges. She wasn’t going to wear a necklace, but decided on drop earrings that were silver tear drops. Just as Sakura was putting on her heels her doorbell rang. 

“Ready to go?” Kakashi looked amazing in his simple black dress slacks and white dress shirt. At least her outfit went with his. Sakura didn’t even care to bring up the fact that he was late, again. 

“Yep, all ready.” 

Soon they were entering his office building and Sakura was blown away by the lobby. Arched ceilings with metal beams. There were skylights allowing for natural light to come in. They took the elevator up to the 15 floor. As they got closer Sakura could hear that the party was in full swing. 

“My friends are looking forward to meeting you.” Kakashi had looped his arm through hers. 

“I’m looking forward to meeting them as well.” Kakashi and Sakura entered the party. There were trays of food being walked around by some waiters. She could also see a buffet set up along the windows. Kakashi navigated her around the party. He was looking for two of his closest friends. 

“Kakashi! You showed up and only 45 minutes late.” A man with black hair and eyes was talking, the first thing she noticed were his kind eyes and smile. He was about as tall as Kakashi.

“Oh is this Sakura?” Kakashi untwined their arms and placed his hand on her back. 

“Yes, this is Sakura. Sakura this is Obito.” Sakura paused, that was the name Minato mentioned. It then clicked in her brain. The two who were watching Naruto were also Kakashi’s best friends. That’s why the names were so familiar. 

“Nice to meet you.” Obito’s grin was from ear to ear. Soon another person joined them. She had medium brown hair in a long bob and hazel eyes. The woman gave Obito a peck on the cheek. Sakura found Obito’s blush endearing. 

“You must be Rin. I’m Sakura. It’s nice to meet you.” Rin seemed shocked that Sakura knew her name, but was soon shaking her hand vigorously. 

“Oh it’s so good to meet you.” Soon the four were making the rounds at the party. Sakura enjoyed talking with Rin. They found out they had a lot in common with Rin working as a psychologist and Sakura a pediatrician. It was watching Obito and Rin interact that made Sakura realize she saw Kakashi more as a friend than anything else. 

“Hey Kakashi has the boss man meet Sakura yet?” The moment Kakashi shook his head no Obito was leading them to another area of the room. Sakura froze when she saw him. Kakashi’s boss was Naruto’s father. 

“Hey Minato. Kakashi showed up and he brought a date.” Minato looked over to the group. The moment Sakura entered the party Minato saw her. She looked breathtaking in her dress. That familiar feeling in his stomach returned. He could feel his heart beat faster. However, it was like a bucket of cold water was thrown on him when he saw she was with Kakashi. He tried to ignore the two as they walked around the party. Sakura attracted the attention of many of the staff and other attendants. One reason was that she came with Kakashi. The other was everyone was taken by her looks. It was not everyday a person with candy hair and dazzling emeralds for eyes came into the office. 

As those eyes focused on him everything else faded away. Sakura then opened her mouth. “Mr. Namikaze it's good to see you again.” Sakura was conflicted on how to address Minato. She thought the best course of action would be to take the professional approach. 

“Wait, do you two know each other.” It was Kakashi who actually decided to speak. He looked perplexed. 

“Dr. Haruno is Naruto’s pediatrician.” Rin looked giddy beside Obito. 

“Congratulations on the new job.” Sakura wasn’t sure what to do. She could feel all eyes on her and it was making her have a slight freak out. Soon Rin was telling stories of babysitting Naruto, which Sakura smiled at. They were then going to the buffet table and sat down to talk. Obito was part of the Uchiha family and decided to go into design over the police force. Sakura then got into a story of how she knew Shisui from childhood. Minato was friends with Fugaku and Mikoto, who had recently given birth to her second son. Itachi was an adorable eight year old who she had only seen a couple of times. 

Sakura found herself needing some fresh air, which meant she would have to go down to the lobby. 

“Kakashi I need some fresh air. I’m going to head downstairs for a little bit and I’ll be back up.” As she went to stand up Kakashi stopped her. 

“We have a balcony we use at times. Let me show it to you. That way we don’t have to go all the way downstairs.” They two excused themselves. The balcony had a stunning view of the city and the crisp air was like a welcoming hug after being in a room with so many people. Kakashi just stood beside her. 

“Kakashi, I have been thinking about what we are and…” She had to pause. Sakura wasn’t sure if this was the best time to bring it up, but she feared she would lose her nerve later. 

“I have enjoyed spending time with you, but I feel like we would work better as friends.” Sakura rushed the part after the but. She could feel herself internally wince, hating how cliche she just sounded. However, she was speaking the truth about being friends with him, especially after meeting Obito and Rin. He seemed to let out a sigh...of relief. 

“I have enjoyed spending time with you as well, but am glad I am not the only one who thinks we would work better as friends.” Sakura couldn’t contain herself as she hugged Kakashi. His chuckle sounded deep from his chest. She felt him place a soft kiss on the crown of her head. They went back to the party both feeling lighter. 

“By the way I have someone who I think you would really like. She is a coworker of mine.” 

____________________

Minato watched as they walked away. The feeling of jealousy was nothing like how he felt when Sakura just paid attention to Naruto. Minato could understand that. This however. This was something different. He didn’t know much about Sakura, but enjoyed being around her. Aside from Obito, Rin, Kakashi, and Naruto she was a welcome relief to the darkness that surrounded him so often recently. 

So Minato followed them, discreetly of course. He couldn’t hear their conversation, but saw their embrace. His heart felt heavy. Then he had to turn away when Kakashi kissed her head. Minato went back to the table to sit back down. He watched as Rin happily ate her dessert. 

“Do you think your friend would still want to go for that date?” Minato had to move on, one baby step at a time.

[scottishhellhound]

WIP tag game

Got tagged by @sodaliteskull with this FOREVER and a day ago! I’m sorry, I didn’t forget, work has just been super busy lately!

Godlings: On Victory’s Wings for this one, since it’s the one I have the most plotted out for.

1. Describe the plot in one sentence.

Several strange happenings, and the disappearance of one of her best friends, forces Aislinn to confront the parts of herself she’s tried her best to ignore most of her life.

2. Pick one sight, smell, sound, feel and taste to describe the aesthetic for your novel.

Sight: first rays of light after a violent storm

Smell: the dampness of a thick, rolling fog

Sound: the crack of lightning

Feel: (I have nothing for this one rn, :( )

Taste: the thick taste of ash and smoke, with a hint of new life after a fire

3. Which 3+ songs would make up a playlist for the novel?

Born Bold - Valley of Wolves

Unbroken - Black Veil Brides

Diefy - Disturbed

4. What’s the time period and location in which the novel takes place?

Modern day earth.

5. Are there any former titles you’ve considered but discarded?

Up until recently this book was titled Hades Rising, but during the rewrite I realized that it no longer fit the story’s new direction, so it became On Victory’s Wings

6. What’s the first line of your novel?

Aislinn ran callused fingers through her still damp red hair, ripping at the tangles in agitation.

7. What’s a dialogue you’re particularly proud of?

Aislinn shrugged.  “I honestly don’t know what the punishment is.  I do know I wouldn’t like it. Something you value most, was how my Father put it.”  Her eyes dropped to the ground, turning her face away, not wanting either of her friends to see how her face crumpled, lower lip quivering slightly, eyes going bright with unshed tears.  The way her voice had gone whisper quiet though, was telling enough.  “I know what I value most.  An arm or a leg I can live without.  What I’d lose?  I’d rather be dead.”

8. Which line from the novel most represents it as a whole?

I’m only 4 chapters into the rewrite, but If I had to make up a line that kind of summed up/represents the novel as a whole, it would currently be

“Well...shit.”

9. Who are your character faceclaims?

I haven’t much had the opportunity to look for anyone just yet, I kind of have them for Drake, Diana, and Aislinn, but none for James yet.  And they’re just pics I found on google or pintrest, and I haven’t tracked own the names for those people yet :(

10. Sort your characters into Hogwarts houses.

Drakon: Slytherin James: Ravenclaw Diana: Hufflepuff Aislinn: Slytherin with a dash of Gryffindor.

11. Which character’s name do you like the most?

I like all of their names, though I do like Drakon’s name best, out of the 4.

12. Describe each character’s daily outfit.

Diana prefers clothes she can get dirty in. She lives and breathes art, her favourite mediums being acrylic paints, and charcoal. She also gardens as a hobby and can be found in her garden in her yard when she’s not painting. She loves comfy, loungy clothes though when she’s just hanging out with friends. Her favourite being an oversized hoodie that she stole from Drake in 9th grade.

Aislinn likes clothing she can move in. She’s an avid runner, and plays basketball for a local 5x5 intramural team at the local university. She likes tank tops, and pants that are loose around the legs. She never knows if she’s gonna have a normal day, or her pulled into one of her brothers crazy schemes.

James wears long sleeves and jeans all year round, unless its ungodly hot out. He grew up in Spain where it never got below 10°C at its coldest, and so even a warm day in his new home can feel chilly.

Drake runs hot, like he has a furnace under his skin, though this isn’t something he notices until someone points it out to him. So his usual style of dark t-shirts under a leather jacket and jeans baffle most people. Wondering how he doesn’t pass out from overheating. He sometimes remembers to ditch the jacket in the summer months, but usually Aislinn has to remind him.

13. Do any characters have distinctive birthmarks/scars?

Aislinn has a scar on her temple from when she fell into a river as a child and hit her head on a rock.  She also has few scars from learning to fight with a sword, a few on her arms, and one on her side. She blames them on a rambunctious childhood when asked.

14. Which character most fits a character trope?

I actually don’t know.  I never thought about it before

15. Which character is the best writer? Worst?

James is the best writer out of the lot, Aislinn can’t write her way out of a wet paper bag.

16. Which character is the best liar? Worst?

Aislinn and Drake are the best liars and can talk themselves out of nearly any situation.  Diana is the worst as she always feels terrible, and is honest to a fault.

17. Which character swears the most? Least?

Aislinn swears the most, Diana the least.

18. Which character has the best handwriting? Worst?

Drake’s handwriting, while the neatest, is actually the hardest to read as he writes in an amalgamated mess of every language he knows, which is all of them.

Diana has the most illegible handwriting, then James, and Aislinn has the most legible/easiest to decipher.

19. Which character is most like you? Least like you?

Diana is most like me, though oddly enough i find her the hardest to write for.  Drakon is the least like me.

20. Which character would you most like to be?

I would love to have even half of Aislinn’s confidence.

tagging: @pens-swords-stuff @inkovert @write-and-fight

[sian22redux]

He followed me home

Title:  He Followed Me Home

Pairing:  Chris Evans/Reader

Rating:  T for tooth rotting fluff!

Setup:  Ok..so in a rash moment of weakness I bet @theycallmebecca that my beloved Cleveland Indians could best her Boston Red Sox in the latest series.   Whoever won got a drabble.   It was close and an awesome game but unfortunately an L for Cleveland.   So here is her choice:  Chris and Reader adopt a puppy and have to decide on its name:  from the Patriots. Bosox or Disney.   Aannd because I can never write short it’s more of a fic.    Enjoy! 

Summary:

The whole world gets involved when you and your new boyfriend, Chris Evans, adopt a friend for Dodger but then can’t settle on a name.  

Thanks so much to  @mypatronusismrpricklepants   and  @arizonapoppy for their awesome help. 

 Chapter 1:  Surprise, March 2018

“He followed me home…”

As defenses for impromptu madness go, it’s a little bit predictable.   You’re standing, sheepish and flustered, with an armload of wriggling, wagging tricolor fluff while your boyfriend Chris leans against the front hall closet door.  

His arms are folded across his chest.  His deep ocean eyes are bleary and amused at once.  It is technically his Laurel Canyon home, although your socks and books and curling iron moved in two months ago.  Long enough to feel a bit like they belong, but not long enough to be certain if you’ve erred.  

“Oh really.”  The sound of Boston twangs as one skeptical eyebrow raises.  

It was just the first thing that popped into your head.  Chris pauses to take in the mammoth paws, the blunt short snout and drawls, “So SuperPuppy jogs a cool tens k’s?”    

“Maybe,” you squeak.  It’s not easy to shuffle one’s feet while juggling a possible hot potato in canine form.  

Chris laughs and shakes his head as much at the sound as the ridiculousness of it all.  

On the scale of crazy spur-of-the-moment things you’ve done this falls somewhere between late night skinny dipping in his mother’s pool (scary but fun) and filling La Jolla High’s atrium with foam (fun until you all were caught).  

You sincerely hope this is closer to the first.  

“Y/N, you are so full of shit.”    

Behind you the door is still ajar—open to the bright spring day that lies lazily golden and blue under California sun.   It’s ten o’clock and only seventy degrees.  Dry with just enough heat to remind you summer will be soon, just enough breeze to lift the sweet scent of  Sierra Salvia blooming beside the walk.

Perfect weather for a mid-morning jog  (or a mid-morning nap if one is desperately jet-lagged two days after crossing eight time zones from damp and windy London).    

Chris yawns and rubs at his eyes.   His hair is mussed; his t-shirt’s askew and you can tell from the creases on his cheek that he’s been crashed on the man-eating white leather couch.  Probably with Dodger on his chest.  

While you’ve been out burning off the prickling excitement of reunion after two weeks apart, the pair of them, inseparable since the moment Chris walked through the door, have been busy catching zzz’s.  

You smile wanly at the dark smudges under those dark and ridiculously heavy lashes.  

He so needs it.  The press for Red Sea Diving has been brutal tacked onto Avengers 4.

“Dodger missed you while you were away,” you offer by way of explanation.  

This is true, but not perhaps entirely the whole point.   The pair of you had talked about the problem just the night before.  How Dodger pined terribly for Chris while he was in South Africa.  How you two had whispered the word ‘airport’ but still Dodger had gone crazy when he saw the latest suitcase coming out.  That it might be a good idea to get him another friend; a constant pal when he has to shuttle between L.A. and Massachusetts; crashing for months at time with Chris’s sister’s kids.  

At least the heavens had aligned for the latest trip.  You’d dog sat and watched the house, spoiled him with lots of love, but still Dodger moped, ignored his ratty favorite blanket and had to be coaxed to eat.   Change was hard for animals.  

But even so, this follow through might be just a teensy bit premature.    

How do you explain?  You’d finished breakfast, thought it a good idea to give the two best buds space to chill and took yourself off for a longer run.   Turned right instead of left along Mulholland and wound up outside Ace of Hearts with its ‘Dog of the day” sign plastered on the window.   So cute, and so in need.  

You’d given in, asked to see their featured rescue and wound up outside puppy’s cage, getting a hopeful shy wag and your fingers licked through the metal bars.

How could you resist?  Puppy looked small and alone and so very sweet.

Isn’t this supposed to be one of the things Chris loves about you?? That you are ridiculously spontaneous while he struggles not to overthink every little thing?

“I didn’t plan it,” you admit.  “It just kind of happened.”   Chris’s eyebrows rise even higher.  

“Y/N.”

You lick your lips nervously and try again.   “I…” you start but don’t get a chance to explain because fifteen pounds of black and white and brown fluffball wriggles harder in your arms. You’re standing in runners and shades, long brown hair pulled up under a sweaty baseball cap.   At your feet are two shopping bags from Village Pet and in the waistband of your jogging shorts are the rumpled adoption papers

Dodger, that pure soul of joyousness, is not helping things. He’s excitedly jumping up on his hind legs, pawing and yipping, trying to get closer to the pup.    The little guy whimpers mournfully.   You lift your shoulders, struggling to hold him a little higher, crooning softly to reassure.  The smells and sounds are new.  There’s a strange dog who is trying to say hi and a big, broad, bearded man who is leaning over to inspect him.  

It’s overwhelming and a bit startling to go straight from a 2x4 metal cage to an open expanse of cool and white.    

And Dodger’s idea of friendly can sometimes be a little much  

“Come on pal, leave off.”   Chris grabs at the red collar in tawny fur, pulls the mutt back, clamps his knees around the wriggling and whining, overly enthusiastic host.  The ghost of a beginning grin on his handsome face fades quickly to a frown of concern.  

Puppy is still scared.  He’s shivering silently in fear, trying to hide himself underneath your chin.  

You can almost hear Chris Evan’s enormous heart melting on the spot.    

“Hey, it’s ok… don’t be afraid,” he says, softly, hunching his huge shoulders down to make himself a little less imposing.  “Don’t mind this big, crazy lug.”   A free hand that knows something about anxiety reaches out to stroke the black wavy fur, caressing it slowly, in time to slow easy breaths, resting gently against the little warm body until the shivers ease.  

Chris, thrilled at his feat, smiles wide and looks up underneath your brim.    “Boy or girl?”  

“Boy.  He’s a Bernerdoodle...” you say as if this explains everything.  

“A what?” Chris is chuckling, quieter than usual so as not to startle the poof of dark wavy fur.    He snickers, clutching lightly at his pec, imitating Ned Flanders nasal accent perfectly.    "Homer, I can see your doodle…"    

“Chris!”  

You roll your eyes elaborately, thinking not for the first time that omg this man is such a kid. Yes doodle is slang for penis.  It is also a recognized crossbreed.  

You shake your head and very very carefully shove him with your hip.   “Shuddup.  A Bernerdoodle is a Bernese Mountain Dog and Poodle cross.  You shouldn’t tease the little guy.  He’s had a really rocky start.  Was just busted out of a puppy mill.  He’s the last of his litter. No one wanted him because his markings aren’t symmetrical.

They aren’t.  Puppy has two white paws, one fore, one aft; a white blaze on his chest and a white stripe down his nose.  His eyebrows are tan, as is half his muzzle.  Quirky and utterly adorable.    You give him a gentle hug and a small pink tongue licks at the bottom of your chin.

Chris leans close and wrinkles up his nose as he too, gets a lick.   “Awww.  Sorry dude.”  

You shift the warm furry load at your hip.  A moth flutters past and Chris looks up, startled, realizing belatedly you are still standing in front of the open door.  

“Whatever he is, he’s a cutie that’s for sure.  Bring him in.”    

He lets Dodger go and swings the white oak door shut, picks up the shopping bags while you walk over to the couch, balancing the awkward bundle of big paws and floppy ears and tail.  So much for cardio, it is suddenly resistance day.  

You lower yourself gingerly to the deep expanse of butter-soft, not-claw-proof leather as Chris slides across, dropping the bags to one side. The space is light and bright and so relaxing:  white walls and furniture, low rough wood tables and dark grey carpet. A haven from the bustle and noise of life.  

“You, too.  Sit,” Chris says, pointing a finger until Dodger finally masters his inner zen to settle down beside your knee.  The older dog is upright, tongue lolling and one ear cocked.  A picture of controlled enthusiasm.  His amber eyes keep flicking from puppy back to Chris.  

Puppy nestles into your lap and makes himself at home, sniffing at the air and taking in members of a new pack.  You are clearly alpha female, chief cuddler and source of safety.   Chris is the alpha male:  one pat and the little guy rolls over to show his belly for a rub.  

Chris obliges; bends down to tickle warm pink spotted skin and gets licked excitedly on his chin for his efforts.    “Ow.”  he announces, laughing and holding a hand across his nose

The white milk teeth are sharp.  And curious. “Watch it little fella.

You smile because obviously Puppy’s starting to feel a little braver now but the sight of him mouthing earnestly on Chris’s offered fingers makes you wonder:  how does one keep a puppy from chewing up the furniture? You hadn’t thought beyond getting him safely home.   The expensive designer to-the-trade originals do already have a few puncture holes--Dodger is rambunctious but he wasn’t a baby when he came home.  It’s been years since you had a pet.  Your old dog, a white heinz 57 collie-samoyed mix with the honest-to-goodness name of Buck passed away your second year of college. He lived to be seventeen.  You can’t even remember what it was like to break in a puppy but there must be somebody around to give you tips.  

“We need to set some water out for him and the new wee pads.” you note.  He has been so good.  Didn’t piddle once on the Uber ride home, or even when he was scared.    

Chris nods, unerringly reaching to scratch behind soft and silky ears. Puppy cocks his head and whines. “Check.  In a sec.  Does he have a name?”  

“No,” you admit. “The breeder had shitty records.  At Ace they called him by his number.  They think he’s about ten weeks old, just enough to be separated from his dam.  I bought some food and stuff.” you add, waving in the general direction of the bags. There’s a blue collar to match Dodger’s and a new leash,  a comb,  smaller steel bowls.  Hopefully they show you weren’t completely off your head, totally mesmerized by dark liquid eyes and a cute as a button nose.  

You blush, remembering the excitement of signing for him, holding him for the first time:  all pink toe beans and soft silky fur and new puppy smell.  Pure heaven.  And the right thing to do, give a home to a poor little abandoned soul in need of loving.  

(No ticking clocks, here.  Nope.   None at all.)

Puppy whines and sits straight up.  Coughs once.  Then twice. It’s a huffing, wheezy sort of hack that shakes the little dark body shake from pink nose to white tail tip.    

Chris looks over at you alarmed.  “Is he ok?”    

This time it’s you that melts a little.  Chris worries.  Always. Empathy, wrapped in caring, wrapped in genuine unselfishness.  

“He will be,” you explain, biting nervously at your lip. “Just needs a little time.  He’s a rescue from a puppy mill.  The whole litter had pneumonia and he almost didn’t make it.”

“Oh fuck.”  Chris’s growl is quiet but you know he feels about animal abuse the way you do. Enraged.  

You pull the adoption papers out and pass them over.   Chris scans them, turning them over and checking the certificate from the shelter and its vet.  All is in order.  Case # A201206 has been dewormed.  Had all shots.  Weeks of Baytril for infection and supplements.   Has been off his feed because of illness.  Is paper trained.

“He’s done his shots and antibiotics, but needs a special diet ‘til he’s all better.”

Chris is nodding, taking it all in, trading the pages back to you for a now braver little guy.  You reach down to pull a water bowl and a new blanket and Kong toy out of the first paper bag.

Puppy sits on the soft grey flannel of Chris’s sweat pants and leans against his chest, raising up one enormous paw to ask for attention.    Chris catches it in his own equally enormous hand and lets his blue gaze slide to the rubber chew toy that is easily twice as big as your fist.  

“How big is he gonna get?”

You flush.  This is the tricky part.   “Ummm, the lady said they don’t think he’ll get much bigger than seventy pounds.”

“Seventy pounds?!”

Incredulous, Chris looks down at Dodger obediently flopped on the floor and back up to the pup.  Dodger is lean and wiry, all muscle and energy; straight flat fur.  Puppy is a small mountain of dark wavy coat, paws not quite like dinner plates.  Hefty and solid.  He’s sitting placidly, taking up a good half of Chris’s lap at less than three months old.  

“Dodger’s only thirty pounds,” he frowns.

“I know,” you nod, “but his father was the Bernese. They’re more than a hundred.”  

Chris chokes.  “Jesuz, Y/N, that’s a pony not a dog!”    

You hold your breath.   This is a gamble.  Chris is obviously a bit thrown by how big the pup will grow.  You can see the doubt begin to whirl like a cyclone in his head. “I don’t know…”  

You slide closer, up underneath the long, ridiculously muscled arm laid along the couch’s back,  reach out to stroke lovingly at his cheek.  A big dog is a big commitment, but from everything you know it fits with his big, golden heart.   “Chris, I feel like this meant to be.  You’ve said yourself that if you were an animal you’d be a St. Bernard.  He’s like your kindred spirit.  Bernese are also big and loyal and loving.  They adore kids.  But they get a little anxious in new and different settings.”      

“So you’re just like me, hunh?”  he says, a little skeptically, lifting the little guy with a firm grip around the middle. “Seventy pounds.   I’d be doing curls with you…”    

Puppy, oblivious to the moment, tries to gnaw on his largest knuckle.  

Doubt starts to curl low below your heart.  

Usually if Chris is into something new, your bouncy, exuberant Labrador of a boyfriend will be all over it.  Keen on it right away.  This time there’s an unsettled crease of worry between his brows and Chris is frowning.   Perhaps you hadn’t thought this through? This a puppy and a larger dog.   Perhaps you hadn’t considered how much more work one seems.  There’s a press tour to do for Avengers 3 and 4. US press for Red Sea Diving.  Possibly another Broadway run.  There’s a lot on Chris’s plate in the coming year but you’d just felt so bad for Dodger missing his big guy while he was half a world away.  

And, if you had to be honest with yourself, you admit a needy pup would keep you little more occupied too.   Your job, back-of-house production, keeps you mostly in L.A, tied down and unable to go on tour.  It’s out of the Press’s eye which has its good and bad at once.   As far as much of the world knows you don’t exist.  You’re a name on the end credits.  Known as a studio employee, someone no one bats an eyelid to see Chris with.  A colleague. No biggie.

For the first months of your relationship it was actually kind of great.  Chris, beyond tired with the relentless attention messing with romances, treated it like a game.  You can go out and no prying idiots think you’re his date.  No one’s calling you a bitch on Twitter.  No one’s staking out your house.    Above the table top you are talking about scheduling and below his toes are running up  your calf. Hidden. Secret.  Just for you two. It’s a thrill and nervous making all at once.

You’re happy to have found the one awesome, caring, gorgeous guy in Hollywood who doesn’t brush his hair more often than you do.  Doesn’t tell you to keep out of his better side. Who isn’t jealous and gets your irregular, have-to-stay-at-the-last-minute schedule. Who shares your manic love of baseball and the Pats.

But you’re a little unsure of where this is going.  Sure he asked you to move in, but both of his best friends have been missing Chris so much.  The frequent long distance trips make it hard.  Each time you are together it is as if you are on vacation: a treat, easy and relaxed but it’s also always reset mode.   Constantly catching up.  Two steps forward and one back.   Texting every day is great but it’s hard to properly communicate.   Case in point:  today, when you made a snap decision without discussing first, without thinking that he’s about to go on tour for weeks.

“Sorry….” you admit in a tiny, plaintive voice.   “We do have a week to take him back,” You start to pull away, thinking you’ve overstepped the line.  

“Hey…hey, no it’s ok.”  Chris grabs your hand to pull you closer. Plants a kiss on the top of your sun-faded Bosox cap.  He sighs. “This was a really good idea.  I might be crazy but I’ll make an appointment tomorrow for him to see Dr. Beltran.”

“Really?”  You sit straight up.  Dr. Beltran is Dodger’s veterinarian.  He experienced and no-nonsense.  A pro. You’ve met him once, taking Dodger in for heart-worm meds

“He can stay?  You’re not mad at me?”

“Of course I’m not mad, Y/N.”  Chris’s spare hand reaches down to play, as it always does at home, with your long ponytail. Relaxed.  Easy. Intimate.  It sends a shiver down your spine.  

“How can anyone resist this face?”  he says, tickling Puppy under the chin.  It’s true. The little guy’s face is the sweetest thing—a black nose with a pale dot in the middle, bright dark eyes and the most adorable pink tongue sticking out.  You’re lost, the both of you.  

Chris offers Puppy a thumb to chew and grins.  “I was just surprised.  Needed to think it through is all.  Next time you decide to add to our world, can you give a guy a little warning?”

“You seemed so tired and I didn’t want to wake you,” you start to explain,  but then suddenly his words sink in.

Our world.  

“What do you….?”  

You stop and take in the pure unfettered delight on Chris’s face. He knows he has surprised you.  ‘Our world’ means this is for keeps.  Serious. He wants you to be an official couple. It’s overwhelming, and unexpected.  Perhaps the constant roadblocks are wearing on him too.  

Your heart does a heavy flip, somersaulting with giddy happiness.  

Chris smiles, drops a gentle kiss to your lips, holds it until the pup begins to squirm.  

“Babe, this last tour, oh fuck, I missed you so so much. London’s great but I couldn’t wait to get back and be with you.  Knowing you and Dodge and this little guy are happy and at home, here,—that will mean the world.”    

You pull away but not too far, lay your head down upon his shoulder, so choked up you don’t know what to say.  Going public seems like a giant step.  Your bosses, the Russo brothers, know about it, as do both families and close friends—but they’re sworn to secrecy.  Chris is gunshy of the media this time—how Jenny was treated really hurt and he wanted things to grow away from the harsh glare of publicity.

You take a deeper, unsteady breath.  This is truly what you want but can you make it work?  

Chris, as always in tune to you, gives you a soft quick hug and elects to change the conversation.  He stretches, holding one big warm hand under puppy and the other up toward the ceiling.  “Man you were right about the tired though. Shit.  I am getting old.  The flights are getting harder.”  

“If you’re old, what does that make me?” you ask.  You are almost, not quite, two years ahead.  

“Ancient.”  

He ducks a tastefully neutral, well-used, toss cushion that flies past his head.  Dodger’s head pops up.  If pillows are flying and his human is stretching then a game of tag might be just ahead.  He gets to his feet, yips excitedly but instead of playtime he gets wobbly curiosity.  Chris sets the puppy on the floor.  The little guy promptly lunges for a shoe, trips over his own feet and tumbles snout-first into deep grey pile.

You all laugh.  Puppy looks up at the sound and you could swear he grins.  This new development is surprising but not scary.  He sneezes, rights himself again, sits down with a blink and barks.  

“Woof!”   It is a surprisingly deep sounding voice.  

“Ho boy, has he got a set of lungs.”  Chris is laughing.  Puppy seems very pleased with himself.   A few minutes cautious exploration brings him over to the wide back windows.  Outside the morning is clouding over.  It will keep the heat from climbing and for a miracle it might just rain.  Puppy wags his tail and barks at a passing bird.  Dodger stands sentinel behind, tail waving slowly, resident expert at communing placidly with the neighbourhood.  

Pup looks to him and back.  “Boof!”   Nope, the new kid on the block isn’t going to get a rise out of Dodger.   Birds and bees and butterflies are people, too.

They seem fine to let be left alone for a just minute, so you rise and set about getting organized.   A second dish of water goes beside Dodger’s in the kitchen.  Pad are laid beside the back door.  The new blanket is draped beside Dodger’s wicker basket.  You set the ingredients for puppy lunch on the countertop and pull the rudiments of a sandwich from the bursting fridge

From the couch you can hear Chris’s stomach grumble loudly.   He may be exhausted but his stomach thinks it’s almost time for English Tea.    

“Come on, you never ate,” you say, pulling him up and guiding him over to the kitchen.  “Lets get the little guy’s space all set.  He’ll need to eat soon and then go out.  We can play with him outside and then it will be time for a nap.”  

Over by the windows Dodger has brought puppy a bedraggled, one-eared teddy he uses for a friend.   They play tug of war, shaking their heads and mock growling at each other, the pup repeatedly losing his grip but bouncing forward to catch a leg again.    It’s hilarious and sweet.  Big brother playing with the little guy,  but just when you think they’ll start another round the little guy plonks down on his butt, opens his jaws wide and yawns.  And coughs.  

“Hey…”  

He’s scooped up into Chris’s big strong arms and nestled against that wide, sleep-inducing chest.   A whine turns into another mighty yawn, the baby is getting tired.   It’s been a busy day and he isn’t quite over his sickness yet.  

You wrap your arms around them both and Chris drops a kiss onto your head.  He smells like spice and soap and Dodger and the warm-cinnamon-bun perfection of new puppy smell.   Intoxicating.

As you brush your fingers lazily across his back he grins, folds you under his shoulder where you fit the best.  There’s a twinkle in his eye.  One you’ve missed for two whole weeks.

“How long does a puppy sleep?”

[howtohero]

#009 Vehicles

While many superheroes can fly or run really fast or can turn into vehicles or have used science to augment their bodies to contain things like wheels or rocket boosters, most superheroes are just as mobile as normal people. If you’re one of those heroes that means you’re going to need to get yourself some sort of vehicle. Or only stop crimes that occur within walking distance of your hideout. Or make use of public transportation. Or carpool with other heroes? Or blackmail your local village mystic into local village mystically transporting you places?

A lot of superheroes use vehicles that are patterned off of their codenames or costumes. Take for example, the legendary hero known as Hatman, the man with the ability to always have the perfect hat for any occasion. Hatman’s abilities don’t often provide him fast ways to get around, although there was of course the memorable adventure with the rocket-powered-space-hat. To compensate for this Hatman utilizes a whole convoy of hat themed vehicles. The hatmobile, shaped like a top hat. The hatlicopter taking its design from the propeller beanie. The hatboat, which resembles a sailor’s cap. The hatcycle, which of course looks uncannily like a bicycle helmet. Hatman’s plethora of vehicles are well-known by the superhero and law enforcement community and they have proven very useful to him in his exploits. But having many distinct vehicles can have its risks and downsides as well.

Many superheroic cars are, to be frank, not at all street legal and driving them around is a crime. Also, having a car that is designed to evoke your superhero identity can attract a lot of undue attention. How are you going to go undercover in a vehicle that has rocket boosters, a grill shaped like teeth and metal shark fins? How could you ever feel comfortable getting out of that car to stop a crime. You just know some up and coming career pickpocket is going to slash your tires and drag a key across the frame. Or just steal the tires if you’re smart and go for the reinforced ones. Or if you’re cheap on noun-mobile security, they’ll just hotwire it and steal it or something.

Similarly you may run into difficulties when trying to fly your own superhero plane over your city. Most governments, for whatever reason, do not take kindly to strange jets appearing in their airspace (politics and civics side of Tumblr please explain this.) So unless you’re just itching to get into a dogfight with an actual factual Air Force, maybe steer (ha! Get it? Cuz you steer vehicles! Yeah, you get it) clear of getting yourself a jet until the government is cool with you. Side note: Do you even know how to fly a plane? That’s not the kind of thing you can just wing (I am just on fire today wow if only I were paid by the pun instead of by the legitimate helpful morsel of advice, honestly I should probably renegotiate my contract). Most superpowers don’t come with knowledge of how to fly planes. Please do not assume that you can fly a plane. Even if you can physically fly. It is not the same thing.

Another tricky hiccup (a trickup! Boom!) in operating vehicles as a superhero is getting licensed. For super-rollerblades and super-pogo sticks and super-surfboards you’re fine but in order to drive a super-car, or any car for that matter while in your superhero identity you’re still beholden to the laws of the land. So if a cop pulls you over after you run eighty red lights in pursuit of the Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runner (or any number of other traffic-law flaunting supervillains,) you’re going to need to present him with some sort of driver’s license. Just another reason to hold off on introducing themed vehicles into your arsenal until you’ve become a known entity that the city at large has come to accept and love and admire (and run fan-blogs for, build shrines too, all that jazz.) Also if you’re running through eighty red lights because you’re chasing the Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runner are you not also a rambunctious red light runner? Have you not become the thing you so hate? Remember kids, don’t let criminals bring you down to their level. Obey all traffic laws. `

Once you do get your own super-wheels though it’s important to accessorize (pimp that $@#^ out didn’t clear the censors.) Trick your vehicle out with an oil slick nozzle, those spiky tire-poppin’ ball thingies, satellite radio, a cannon, bluetooth cellphone connectivity, an ejector seat, secret retractable wings, duck tour amphibious vehicle technology, a bajillion super-cupholders for which to keep your super-thermoses in, seats that go all the way back so you can sometimes take naps, a cool flame deco that’ll for totes make your car go faster. All that good stuff so you can ride in style. Soon enough bad guys will just start turning themselves in to you in the hopes of getting to sit in your dope ride on their way to prison.

To own an entire contingent of super-vehicles you’re probably going to need a super-truck load of money, or have rich sponsors. For the average superhero that’s probably not feasible so you should feel no pressure to acquire an I’m-prepared-for-any-possible-situation-are-we-having-a-forklift-fight-because-I-have-a-hat-themed-forklift-the-bill-is-the-lift-it’s-very-clever, amount of vehicles. Just using the regular vehicles that you had before you became a caped crusader will do just fine. You can even still customize them. Paint your emblem on the hood of your car. Place a comically oversized mask over your headlights. Rig the horn to sound like your superhero theme song. Have fun with it. But remember, if you go all out on your civilian ride (civvie ride) you probably shouldn’t use that vehicle anymore while in your secret identity. Again, it behooves me to remind y’all that public transportation is more or less ok. Plus general rule of thumb, it’s rare to get more than one crazy person on a public bus, and since you’ve committed your life to running around town in a costume fighting cat burglars and evil clowns you probably already fill that quota all on your own.

[howtohero]

Bad Press

[Due to the potentially embarrassing topics we are going to be discussing in this post we have elected to not use any actual examples of superhero bad press. Any and all situations or names that appear in this post are entirely fictional and any resemblance to real superheroes or events is entirely coincidental.]

(Seriously it’s a coincidence.)

(Write that down.)

Ask anybody on the street where they were when the story of MatHan’s hilarious and tragic banana-truck scandal broke and they’ll be able to tell you exactly where they were and usually what they were wearing. (For those of you who don’t know, since this is entirely fictional of course, in late 2009 ManHat {MatHan} right right right, MatHan {do you think people are going to think that’s pronounced like Nathan?} Nah I’m sure it’s fine. Anyway, MatHan was pretty sure that one of his various hat-shaped trucks, which he’d disguised to look like a giant banana for undercover work, could safely get across a frozen river in pursuit of the... Lambunctious Led Right Lunner, but he was wrong and the truck fell into the water and he had to get scooped out with a crane and then pictures of the mysterious and terrifying MatHan with smushed bananas all over his face and draped in a pink fuzzy blanket showed up in all the newspapers. Good {completely made up} times.) Instances of such international notoriety usually set off a flashbulb in a person’s mind. Their brain kicks into overdrive as soon as it understands that a monumentally important moment in history is occurring and it tries to record everything about everything about it. As you can probably understand, this was not great for MatHan’s image. (If he were to exist and have an image, you get it.) That was nearly the end of his career, but it didn’t have to be. Stick with us, and we’ll show you how to survive even the baddest of bad press stories. 

The press is everywhere. They’re very sneaky. There’s a man who lives in a bush outside our office that has published like eight or nine stories about us and not one of them has been very flattering. (Highlights include {and remember none of these are real} “Sachary Zchechter gets into wrestling match with squirrel over ‘really cool looking acorn’”, “Garenthetical Puy, stripped of his ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ title after it is revealed that he stuffed the ballot box”, “Lour Awyer: Biggest Nerd in Three Known Universes? Studies Indicate Yes” and “Tow Ho Tero is clearly supporting known megalomaniac Boctor Drainwave.”) So it is almost impossible for superheroes to avoid being caught in compromising or embarrassing situations. But that doesn’t mean those embarrassing situations need to ruin your career and haunt you for the rest of your life. 75% of the time you can blame bad press on any number of sci-fi trickery. “Oh that wasn’t me that was my embarrassing clone.” Or, “Oh yes, that one was actually me... but I was brainwashed!” Or “Ah yes I see you’ve found a video of the time I was invaded by a body-snatcher!” But be warned, these solutions are not without risk. It takes only a moderately clever reporter to then twist the story into “Buffoon superhero manages to get themselves cloned/brainwashed/body snatched, what a loser” which is also not great! 

The real key to surviving bad press is the ability to spin. And no we’re not talking about Cyclone Dreidel, who has the literal ability to spin at fantastic speeds. (Which reminds of me the {totally made up} news story from a couple of years back about Dyclone Creidel cheating to win a latke eating competition. He was actually using real clones in that one.) The spin we’re talking about is the ability to take a negative news story and twist it so that it actually paints you in a good light. A successful spin has two major benefits: 1. It turns bad press into good press. 2. It really enrages the superazzi reporter that tried to make you look bad in the first place. 

Let’s take a look back at the MatHan example from our intro. If MatHan (had existed and) contacted us for some quality spin on the banana blunder, we would’ve had him put out a press release announcing that whilst chasing the Rambunctious- (Lambunctious) Oh right, it’s hard to keep track. Whilst chasing the Lambunctious Led Right Lunner he noticed a much more important crime occurring beneath the ice of the frozen Hatsburg Harbor. He made the call that the Lambunctious Led Right Lunner is like barely a criminal and decided to foil the underwater crime instead, despite not being adequately prepared to it. Now the story is that MatHan bravely risked his own life to save a mermaid from a mugging or an Atlantean ambassador from an angry anglerfish. Mathan is a hero, the ridiculing reporter becomes a ridiculed reporter and everyone is better off for it. 

As you can see from this example, the pervasiveness of the Weird Factor in a superhero world means that almost any gaffe, goof, or gooberiffic moment can be spun into an act of heroism. Caught picking your nose on camera? Foiling an attack from a legion of nose parasites before it could spread to anybody else. Tripped and fell at an award ceremony and then tumbled off the stage and became rolled up in the red carpet like some kind of bumbling burrito? You were actually tackling an invisible assassin that was trying to kill the mayor and the only way to make sure they were secured was to bind them up against you. Otherwise they’d be able to slip away without anybody being the wiser. Accidentally knocked down all of the fossil displays at the Museum of Natural History resulting in a lifetime ban? That’s on you Professor Paleontologist (it’s not our fault he has an alliterative name) you’re actually just an embarrassment.

If lying isn’t your thing (then you really might want to find another line of work) there are a few other options available to you. You can embrace the goof and learn to laugh at yourself. Doing this shows a great level of maturity,so it’s not often that men and women who run around in brightly colored tights living out their childhood power fantasies do this, but feel free to engage in some of that. It might even make you more likable and really our goal with all of this is to win over the public so it’s actually a very valuable tactic. You could also detonate a wide-range memory bomb and erase the incident from the public’s memory. Though this method usually always creates at least one or two supervillains and also is not so ethically sound. 

It should be noted that all of these tactics are only to be used when the story about you is merely embarrassing. If a story breaks that details actual shady or bad things that you or your team are doing then I cannot condone using these tricks to try to paint yourselves in a better light. If you do a bad thing you’ve gotta own up to it. That’s what being a hero is all about. So sorry Professor Paleontologist, you’re never going back to the Museum of Natural History again! Criminal scum. 

[howtohero]

#094 The Multiverse

The universe is quite vast. Science records it as being hella vast (trust us on this one, we’ve seen charts). But, as it transpires, one hella vast universe is but a single cog in the vast tapestry of existence. (Wait, what, tapestries aren’t made of cogs. That’s a piss poor metaphor. Hey that rhymed!) You see, our universe (and your universe, perhaps you and I live in different ones) are part of a larger, vaster, multiverse. That means that there are a possibly infinite number of universes and each of them is unique with its own characteristics and rules (except for the ones that are just copies of other ones of course). 

It would be impossible for us to cover and discuss every single possible alternate Earth or universe that you might encounter, so we’re not even going to try (but if you came her looking for vacation recommendations, might I suggest going to Universe 3.789 Epsilon Qwerty {the name of this universe will obviously vary depending on how your universe chooses to name other universes} everything in that universe is ice cream and it is delicious. Just make sure you don’t eat anybody. And if you do accidentally eat someone don’t mention my name). What we will do however, is lay out some situations in which you might encounter another universe and give you the usual tips and tricks for dealing with them.

Many alternate dimensions will have an alternate version of you and everyone else around you. Some universes have doppelgangers of everyone from a different universe, which can be very disorienting for interdimensional travelers since many of these doppelgangers just resemble their alternate universe counterparts physically, while their personalities and personal histories can be completely different (for example there are several universes where I write an educational blog for supervillains and some where I write a blog on creative ways to stack and store cans of soup and some where I am Power Jones, the man with one million powers, defender of the galaxy, lover of tree nuts). Other universes however only feature doppelgangers of major individuals. Which can be very humbling. Imagine if you travelled to another dimension (suppose you had a three-day weekend or something) and discovered that versions of all your super-buddies existed there but there was no version of you. That would be terrible. Like the universe really doesn’t think you’re important at all. You saved your world from the menace of an evil disembodied mustache (named Megalexhar Fizzleton XVII for those of you keeping track of these characters) yet apparently that’s not enough to score you an alternate dimension counterpart. Rough. 

The first thing you should do when you travel to another universe is determine what the deal with your doppelganger is. Do you have one? Are they well liked? Is their life better than yours? Are they a superhero too? Are they a villain? Is their costume cooler than yours? And so on and so forth. Once you get a read on how your doppelganger is viewed you can decide whether or not you want to temporarily steal their identity, seek them out and become multiversial pals, permanently steal their identity, or disguise yourself as someone else. What you decide to do about your doppelganger might be dependent on why you traveled to another dimension in the first place. If you’re going just because you recently discovered the existence of the multiverse and so obviously you’re gonna want to check that out, then you might try to disguise yourself so you can observe the alternate dimension without alerting anybody to your presence of existence. If you’re going because you’re in pursuit of a hostile supervillain (say the Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runner steps up his game and becomes the Rambunctious-Reality-Light-Runner) then you’re going to want to get in touch with that universe’s super-community somehow whether that includes your doppelganger or not. If you’re going in a scientific capacity, to study other dimensions or the alternate physics other dimensions may possess, or as an anthropologist, to study the cultures of other universes, then you might want to make your presence known so you can gain access to certain people and things that you might want to study. 

I would recommend making friends from as many alternate universes as possible. For one, it’s always good to have more super-allies. For two, you can finally create an all-you a cappela group like you’ve always dreamed. For threes, if your nemesis captures all your friends in an effort to draw you out so they can kill you, you can just call in some pals from other universes that they didn’t even know about! For four (!!!!!), sometimes bad guys want to go above and beyond the normal call of evil and try to either take over or destroy the entire multiverse, uch, so extra. When this happens the heroes of the multiverse need to band together to kick some evil butt. It’s awesome. And it’ll be a lot more awesome if you’ve already got some friends from other universes that you can contact to get the ball rolling on this multiversial alliance. For your reading pleasure, and to prove that we are not bound by things that we say, even within the same post, here is a list of some common alternate dimensions that you’ll no doubt encounter during your travels through the multiverse.

The one where everyone’s allegiances are switched: Evil Hatmans, good Democratically Elected President Murder Kills (don’t be fooled by the name, he’s a huge softy), competent Professor Paleontologists. Maybe other things will be opposites too. Cold is hot and hot is also hot because the universe doesn’t want you thinking that you know it’s next move.  Topsy-turvy universes can be quite disorienting to the untrained dimensional traveler, proceed with caution.

The Golden Age: The adventures that were so feel good happy and idealistic that we had to shunt them into an alternate universe where everyone fights for truth and justice and everyone’s always smiling. A good place to spend a vacation.

The one that is a post-apocalyptic wasteland: Humanity has been wiped out. Except for the humans who haven’t been wiped out. But they all hate each other. And they’re plotting to wipe each other out. Because some things never change. Watch this space.

The one where all your friends are cute animals: Ultiman is a caribou, Dr. Python is a wombat (don’t ask why he’s not a python, he doesn’t have a good answer and he gets all frustrated). They’re roommates. Hilarity ensues. And it’s even funnier because they’re animals!

The one with thinly veiled copies of characters from a rival corporation: We have no rivals so we can’t give any practical examples of this. 

The period pieces: These universes have never left a certain time period. There are Wild West Universes, Russian Revolution Universes, Gangnam Style Craze Universes. If you’re the kind of person who can’t let go of a certain era, there’s a universe out there for you.

The universe where a monkey typed out the complete works of Shakespeare: If there an infinite number of universes that means there are an infinite number of monkeys and that means there are an infinite number of universes where a monkey somehow conned his way into getting access to a typewriter and that means that there are an infinite number of monkeys who have typed out the complete works of Shakespeare. (Also an infinite number of monkeys who have typed out the complete works of this blog {also an infinite number of monkeys who have typed out the complete works of this blog except these monkeys are so clever that every single word feeds into some larger, brilliant pun. I aspire to one day find the key to being that talented.})

The one where everyone is a talking animal except they don’t resemble any of your friends: These talking animals are completely original characters like Bunderclap, the thunder bunny and the Hurtle, the turtle with a temper.

The universe where someone or something kills everyone: Well gosh that sounds pretty frikkin’ dark. Don’t go there. Gosh, everybody gets killed? Worst alternate universe ever.

The one that is the future: Maybe it’s your real future, maybe it’s just a possible future. I recommend hopping into a few of these types of universes. Find the future that’s right for you.

The one that’s exactly like yours: Or at least it was until this one thing happened. Now everything’s different! Even if those things shouldn’t have been affected by the thing that originally changed by any stretch of the imagination.

Of course, these are only a few examples of some universes that you’re likely to encounter. There are plenty of universes that are nothing like any of these. There are universes that we can’t even fathom. Universes that we can never access. Universes that don’t support human life. Universes that don’t support three-dimensional objects. The multiverse is a vast vast vast place, there are people who spend there entire lives trying to catalogue it all and die feeling unfulfilled because that’s just how vast it is. So if you’re going to venture out into alternate dimensions, stay alert, stay safe, and if you eat anybody, don’t tell them I sent you.

[howtohero]

#076 Prioritizing

Not all crimes and crises are created equal. A pick pocketing on the corner of Jewel and Main doesn’t warrant the same response or attention as a meteor shower at Buckingham Palace. The day the aliens invade Earth is gonna be the same day all the banks get robbed and that’s ok. As a superhero you need to master the skills of prioritizing and planning proportional responses.

Depending on your power-set and your levels of experience, certain jobs might simply be beneath you. And not even in an arrogant way! I’m not saying that you should stick up your nose at people asking you for help because they’re not cool enough for you or that if an old-lady is being purse-snatched right before your very eyes you shouldn’t do anything. But if you’re able to prevent volcanoes from erupting or you specialize in fighting rogue AIs and you get a call to do something like that then maybe don’t make twenty-seven pit-stops to help cats out of trees or to fight the Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runner (who, by the way, never commits any other crimes and is literally never worth anybody outside of traffic cops’ time) on your way to where the AIs are forcing a volcanic event. 

If you’re part of a large superhero team the team should be divided into different units that can deal with different level events. When an Omega Class Threat (say, a robot dinosaur or a walking, talking, cartoonishly anthropomorphized nuclear bomb) strolls out into a densely populated area you shouldn’t send the same guys that you would send to fight Smuggles or the Glorious Gobstopping Gumball Gladiator or other starter-villains™. Different heroes are just built for different things. And that’s ok! All levels of super-crimes are occurring all the time! There’s definitely always something for everyone to do. You just need to make sure the super-communities resources are being deployed efficiently.

If possible the smartest superhero (or superhoes if you have a bunch of them just lying around) in your universe should bench themselves from the field and devote all their time to determining which superheroes would do best in every specific situation. Possibly they should even try downloading their consciousness into a computer for maximum efficiency? Do we think that’s a thing they’d be willing to do? Or if not maybe they should download a computer into their brain. If that kind of thing is possible. I’m not really sure that it is, it’s not like people have USB ports in their heads (maybe that’s what nostrils are for {nostrils are for smelling parenthetical voice, not for sticking flash-drives, we’ve been over this} excuse me who even invited you to this blog????) If you don’t have anybody who’s willing to dedicate their lives to this incredibly important and noble pursuit, then everybody else in the super-community is going to have to pick up the slack. Thanks a lot smart-people, your unwillingness to give up all your energy, free time, and some of your brain’s real estate, has forced everybody else to take stock of their own abilities!

Each superhero needs to honestly evaluate their own strengths and weaknesses to determine which combat situations they’d be best suited for. Hydrokinetic superheroes (that’s people who can control water) or people who can turn their bodies into the form of water (like the form of an ice-unicycle or a bucket of water) should be sent to deal with fires or beached whales. On the flippity floppity, pyrotechnician superheroes (that’s people who operate fireworks) should be called into deal with any Fourth of July related crimes (like if someone steals the Declaration of Independence or if someone drops a giant soapbox into the middle of Philadelphia and then gets up on it and starts ranting about “Fourth of July” being an example of the date-month-year method of saying dates that several countries including our former oppressors, the tyrannical Great Britain use and calling Independence Day anything but “July Fourth” is unpatriotic and then fires an AK-47 into the air as is their constitutional right).

Proper prioritizing can lead to not only a more efficient way of fighting crimes and dealing with catastrophes but also a safer way of doing it. Brad the Radioactive Man (don’t try calling him the Bradioactive Man, he does not appreciate it) is great for fighting giant nuclear monsters but he’d be no good for fighting off Knife-Man, the man who is made entirely out of containment-suit-piercing-knives. A fight like that would potentially cause a nuclear detonation. That’s not what we’re going for. Generally, when superheroes show up somewhere they are not trying to cause a nuclear detonation. That is almost always the rule. Someone whose skin is too tough to be pierced by knives such as Rockblock, the seven-armed rock-man, would be way more effective at dealing with Knife-Man. (Plus, under the rock-paper-scissor clause of reality, he’s guaranteed to win!)

Other events would be better dealt with by just regular law-enforcement, to the point where the appearance of a superhero would actually serve to escalate the situation. Cops can actually be pretty good at fighting crimes or deescalating hostage situations. And they do it all without wearing flamboyant costumes. How interesting.

[howtohero]

#241 Appreciating Beauty

Superheroes see a lot of bad stuff during their careers. They see tragedy: the deaths of other superheroes, the deaths of clones who look exactly like them, their own deaths. They see terrible crimes: murders, baby-eating swifties, Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runners. They see horrors: Ooze monsters, tentacle monsters, the Flasher who well, you know. All of these terrible sights could be enough to really bring a person down. How can a person see so much evil, so much sadness, and yet still remain a beacon of light and good for the world? (Before I forget, I should note that when I see baby-eating swifties I am referring, of course, to fans of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” who do not get the subtlety and nuance of the piece. Any other “swifties” out there, do not send me hate mail.) In my conversations with heroes I have found that tends to be a unifying factor amongst those heroes who do not become disheartened or disenchanted with their work after spending years seeing the worst mankind and the universe have to offer: They learn to recognize, and appreciate, beauty.

While it is true that superheroes are often exposed to the very worst aspects of society, they also have an unparalleled opportunity to see the best parts of it as well. Often the adventures of superheroes will take them to parts of the universe that nobody else has ever seen. They can go to the furthest reaches of space, the depths of the oceans, the annals of the psychedelic tundras or digital rainforests. Unfortunately, many superheroes end up losing sight of this beauty, as they only find themselves in these astonishing locales because they are in the midst of fighting a trash monster or questing for a pearl that is said to hold the key to truly understand the lyrics to Manfred Mann’s “Do Wah Diddy Diddy”. The obviousl solution here then, is to take the time to return to these places during calmer times, when the fate of the world is not resting squarely on their shoulders, and they can just sit and marvel at the wonders of the universe. But some things are easier said than done.

Superheroes are not especially known for taking days off (at least, the one’s who actually care about saving the world. Crimes are being committed right this very instant! And what are you doing? Reading a funny blog on the internet. Disgraceful.) as the oft quoted Ultiman saying goes: “Criminals take many days off. But they never coordinate, because they’re bad at scheduling. So you’ll never like get a day where all the criminals are taking off and going to the farmer’s market or something. They seem to go in shifts. So anyway, not to belabor this point or anything, but yeah, there’s always a supervillain or criminal out there is actively committing crimes.” He’s not a very eloquent man, but he makes a sound point. So how are you going to appreciate beauty if you’re in the middle of punching a CMLITHW (a Cantankerous Melonheaded Louisianan Implike Truck Helming Walrus, there was one summer when all anybody was fighting was these guys and it was making superhero newsletters too long so we all agreed to just use this abbreviation) or trying to stop the forces of Atlantis from invading the surface world for the fifth time in one month? One thing you can do is just agree with the person you’re fighting to take a moment and just take in the majesty of your surroundings. This will give you both an opportunity to catch your breath and clear your mind and it might even have the added benefit of causing the bad guy to reconsider their plan to level the entire area in favor of placing a ginormous Easter-Island style statue of their head. (Note: This will only work if the area is prettier than the bad guy’s face which is far from guaranteed.)

Of course, then you run into the issue of letting the bad guy, a known supervillain, a person who woke up one day and said “Hey! You know what might be fun? Invading Finland!” and then they did it and, according to their tell-all memoirs, it was very fun, be treated to seeing beautiful sights. Do they deserve to behold the breath-taking sight of intergalactic western lights? Have they earned the right to gaze upon the Diamond storms of Neptune without being drop-kicked immediately? There’s a fine line between encouraging bad guys to self-care and rewarding bad guys for launching themselves into space so they can’t be arrested for spray painting the word “poop” onto city hall. (Or a different crime, I’m just using an example from the news.) So what we would recommend is the following process:

Suggest to your villain that it would be highly beneficial for both of you to take a break from fighting to take in the beautiful sights around you.

Once they agree, take a seat beside them and watch the glorious quadruple sunset that is only visible from the plains of GlackGlckGlack 13.

Cover their eyes so they miss the whole thing! Ha!

Finish beating them up.

This way you get the quiet moment of reflection and introspection that you need plus you’ve inconvenienced or otherwise harmed a supervillain! That’s all around wins!

There are also plenty of ways to appreciate beauty in your own neighborhood, and without appearing like you’re being derelict in your superheroic duties. You’re a superhero. Every day you put your life on the line to protect those who can’t protect themselves. You save lives every day, heck, maybe you’ve even saved the world a couple of times. That’s pretty great isn’t it? Now, think about all the other heroes you interact with on a daily basis. Think about all the people they’ve helped, sometimes contrary to what is in their own best interest. Every day you surround yourself with incredible people who do incredible things for the betterment of society. If you take a moment or a couple of moments every day to just appreciate that, you’ll realize that maybe the world isn’t so bleak after all.

Even taking a moment to see all the good that you yourself have done can result in a marked improvement in your outlook on life. Go to towns you’ve saved, speak to people you’ve helped, the smaller the better. It’s easy to forget how much good that you do when you think about it on the scale of the entire world or universe. And it’s easy to become disenchanted when you look at all the evil that’s still in the world. If you ever feel like what you do isn’t worth it, or isn’t valuable, in the face of so much persistent evil, look for individuals. The individuals you’ve helped can show you the effect that you have on regular people around the world. You give them hope, you give them wonder, you give them a shot at life that simply would not be there if evil was allowed to run rampant. If that doesn’t improve your mood I don’t know what will!

[howtohero]

Monitor Duty

Being a superhero isn’t all about high speed boat chases and dueling six-armed gladiators on top of dams. That’s a good chunk of it sure, but if you’re going to be a superhero, you should know that it’s not going to be all action, all the time. There are also times when you’re going to have to just wait around for action to happen. Yes, there are definitely crimes going on around the world all the time, and yes, if you wanted you could probably spend every waking minute foiling them. But that’s not the best use of your time, and you don’t want to step on another hero’s toes. Not to mention the fact that you’re probably not the best hero for each and every super-crime scenario. Superhero organizations need to be able to keep tabs on all these super-crimes, so that they can make sure each one of them is handled by the hero best suited to handle them. Which means somebody needs to be keeping an eye on all the satellites and police scanners and the superhero tip-lines. Usually this will be on a fixed rotation schedule, so that every superhero has to spend some time pitching in and keeping an eye on the world. And sometimes, that superhero is going to have to be you.

If you get nailed with monitor duty your best course of action would be to pawn it off onto somebody else. That gig is soooo boring. It’s like watching tv except usually nothing cool is happening. Oh some guy is robbing a bank while dressed like a crocodile? Snooze, he’s clearly not a pro and is probably going to end up tripping on his own tail and taking himself out anyway. A bird is mugging a young couple? Tragic but there’s literally nothing anybody could do about that anyway. Like, it’s a bird, if it can manage to mug two people doesn’t it kind of deserve to get away with it? So you’re just stuck cooped up in a control room somewhere in a chair that is either too ergonomic or not ergonomic enough and half-heartedly assigning superheroes to various hotspots around the world. (Or, taking a nap and letting your monkey sidekick assign heroes for a bit. Coby’s got good judgement, he has an MBA, what’s the worst that could happen?) But don’t worry, finding some chump to take the job off your hands shouldn’t be too difficult. Most superhero teams have actually begun signing certain “heroes” specifically with this in mind. Now, obviously they won’t say that this is why they’re hiring these heroes. Nobody’s going to join a superhero team that doesn’t value them for their crimefighting ability. But these are the people who clearly have no business being on a superhero team. Their powers are lame or non-existent, they have the lowest score in the training simulators, and they keep suspiciously disappearing every time they’re sent to deal with a supervillain, which means they’re either the villain, or they’re hiding somewhere because they’re super-cowards. If you can identify the superzero in your team, then you can basically always get out of monitor duty. (Oh my gosh this was a terrible idea. Coby’s keen business mind is apparently now well-suited to assigning superheroes to appropriate supervillains. There are now twenty three superheroes fighting one poacher in Africa and forty seven heroes searching for Monkey Slim, an evil monkey who wears a cowboy hat and who once humiliated Coby in front of the girl he liked in monkey high school.) 

Once you’ve identified your mark approach them and ask them if they’d like to take on the monumental task of monitoring the alien invasion early-warning system. Most of the time they’ll gleefully agree and give you their dangerous mission assignment and you can be on your way. If they seem hesitant though, you might need to work a little harder to convince them. Tell them that you’ve noticed all of the hard work they’ve been doing and believe that they deserve a break from field work and that you’d gladly take over their assignment for them, as a show of thanks and respect. If they’re too self-aware to believe that load of garbage you’ll have to change tacts quickly. Tell them that the supervillain they’ve been assigned to stop is an old nemesis of yours. Make up a dramatic history between the two of you. Say that the 15-foot landshark and you were old kindergarten classmates, where a dispute over apple juice boxes marked you as enemies for life. Claim that the incorporeal smoke-spirit that’s haunting the gas station convenience store and you used to be best friends and business partners until he stabbed you in the back and made millions off of your idea. If you come up with a good enough lie, the chump will no doubt be forced to give in and take your monitor duty so that you can put your longtime nemesis where they belong. Prison. Or civil claims court. Or the off-yellow abyss whence they came.

If all of that fails though, you’ll need to settle in for the long haul and just watch those monitors. Once you begin your shift you’re not really allowed to leave, because if the monitors are unattended it could literally mean the end of the human race. The hero on monitor duty will be the first person to detect an incoming invasion, an enormous planet-eating monster planet, or any number of other space-faring threats. The hero on monitor duty is responsible for coordinating dozens of active superheroes, and making sure that every super-crime or paranormal crisis is contained and handled quickly and efficiently. The hero on monitor duty is responsible for making sure heroes in the field are prepared for whatever threat they’ve been called in to manage. Which means you’ll have to brief them over comms about the abilities, personalities, and modus operandi or various criminals and find nearby empty spaces the heroes can shift the fight to in order to avoid excessive collateral damage. All of which means you need to be on the ball for potentially hours on end. So make sure you have plenty of snacks, some good music and maybe wear a diaper. Unless you have the superhuman ability to control your bladder. If you’re lucky there will be more than one of you on monitor duty at any given time in order to avoid this sort of thing, but if you’re part of a small team, you might be on your own.

So, obviously, it’s of the utmost importance that you stay alert and engaged while on monitor duty. This is why I recommend having a box of fake, adhesive mustaches with you. This way, whenever someone’s face appears on the viewscreen, you can paste a hilarious mustache on their face and then give them your full attention while you try to hold back your snickers. If you can’t get a box of adhesive mustaches on short-notice, just get a marker, and draw the mustaches. Sure, this will result in the screen being filled with crudely drawn mustaches of various sizes and styles, but the world will also be a safer place, so it’s worth it. Especially if you leave before anyone notices and can’t be made to clean it up. Then it’s almost doubly worth it. 

Another fun thing you can do is purposely team up heroes who hate each other. Obviously you need to make sure that the heroes are equipped to deal with the threat you’re sending them off to fight, and that the team-up makes sense on paper. But you know these people, you know about their rivalries and their petty spats and squabbles and who just grinds each others gears. Bonus points if one of the people you do this to is the guy who refused to take over monitor duty from you. Then you can grab some popcorn and listen to them bicker and snipe at each other as they try to capture the Rambunctious-Red-Light-Runner. Or you can spend your time playing match-maker and try to set up heroes that you think would make a good couple. You’ve got a lot of power in the monitor room, and you’d be a fool not to make the most of it. 

Monitor duty might seem tedious but it’s really an awesome responsibility. There are times when you’ll have the fate of the world in your hands. You’re the first and last defense against otherworldly threats. You need to be able to see the big picture to protect the world and also use your understanding of the little picture to torment your teammates. Everyone’s got to do it at some point, so don’t waste the opportunity to do something good, and to do something fun.