#Rebecca was obviously never in danger — but I don't think she should have THOUGHT she was either

[leupagus]

I've seen a number of posts claiming that Rebecca choosing to stay on Boat Guy's houseboat was "incredibly stupid" or "wildly unsafe" or other such descriptors. Everyone's perspectives are valid; I certainly understand that individual people would not want to stay there in that situation, and don't get why Rebecca did.

That being said, I really disagree with the posts that think she should have left or that she was in danger. Even putting aside that this is a television show and not real life, Rebecca, had she been a real person, did not have a "death wish" merely by remaining on board and spending time with Boat Guy.

Boat Guy was clearly interested in Rebecca, even before she fell into the canal — after all, he tries to warn her about being in the bike lane first by whistling at her and then saying she's a beautiful woman. He's smitten right from the jump! And during the scenes they have together, we see him make a number of passes at her. This is a guy who saw Rebecca and thought "ooh yes please."

But that does not make him unsafe, nor does it make any of his actions "creepy," "gross," or "red flags." What it makes him is a middle-aged man speaking as an equal to a middle-aged woman, who is similarly showing sexual interest in him. And who doesn't feel the need to pretend he doesn't find her gorgeous and compelling and sexy, which again, is not a bad thing!

I suspect a lot of the folks framing this guy as predatory just... don't have a lot of personal experience of being a 40-something woman flirting with a 40-something man. And I can say, from personal experience, that it's really fucking nice to see that dynamic between them.

Because I would've stayed on that boat, you'd better believe.

[artist-issues]

I'm a Christian who just finished watching Steven Universe for the first time, and I think it's interesting to discuss the Christian perspective on the show, because I think it's very interesting how the ideas can be very antithethical to the Christian worldview one minute, but the next have ideas that as a Christian, I can get behind.

I think Change Your Mind is a good example--obviously there's stuff in there that you pointed out is anti-Christian--the idea that 'you're perfect as you are, and you shouldn't feel any pressure to change', the idea that self-love is the only love you need, the idea that a God who demands perfection is cruel and distant and everything else you mentioned, but in the same stroke, I think that the episode has a pretty accurately Christian view of redemption. A lot of shows try to push the idea that certain sins you can redeem yourself of, and after you've done xyz things to prove that you've really changed, then you're redeemed. Steven Universe says that it doesn't matter how far down the path of evil you were--you're never totally irredeemable, and you don't need to have already proven yourself to have changed before you can say you've changed. Steven accepts White Diamond's redemption as soon as she's a) realised her wrongdoing and b) chooses to accept his offer of forgiveness, and then she's shown, afterwards to be acting out of a changed heart. Although perhaps it was rushed, I think it's a redemption arc that most accurately matches the Biblical idea of how redemption works--that it isn't something earned.

There's quite a bit of other stuff in the show, that despite the show's primary principles being pretty anti-Christian, is oddly Christian in value. Like the way the Cluster was handled was pretty reminiscent of a pro-life stance--the Cluster was going to experience a far lower quality of life, and was an imminent danger to everyone else, and Steven still chose to save it, chose instead of destroying it (which would have been convenient for them and 'putting it out of it's misery') to try and give it the best quality of life possible. Just interesting to think about

I hear what you're saying, and it is good to look for the good as well as the bad when you finish enjoying watching something. But it's important to take the thing as a whole, as it was intended, and remember the context.

White Diamond might be redeemed at the end. But redeemed from what? From the evil of trying to control what everybody does, as their creator. Plus, there's the added awfulness of the fact that she's the Creator, she is the God-type-character, and she's in the wrong at all.

And you have to also remember, as a Christian, something that C.S. Lewis points out in The Last Battle: "By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger."

Where'd Rebecca Sugar get the idea of redemption? The idea that you can't earn it? In fact, if it's just okay for Pink Diamond to believe what she wants to believe (this philosophy that people can change and choose who they are) because people should be allowed to believe whatever they want and live their truth--

--then why couldn't White Diamond keep loving her truth? Where did this idea of good vs evil, and evil needing to be redeemed, even come from? Not Rebecca Sugar.

God invented and executed real redemption. But it was redemption from hatred of God and brokenness to the love of God that you're made for and wholeness. Whereas, White Diamond is "redeemed" from controlling people toward perfection to letting people be imperfect if they want to be--and being imperfect, herself.

It's fine to acknowledge that there is an idea of redemption in the story, but be careful to follow the thought all the way through--what's the "evil" she's being redeemed out of, and what is the "good" she's being redeemed into?

[fullmetalscullyy]

OK, I want everything 😏but I have to cut it down. So 3. Don't walk out that door for Royai. And/or 81: It's cold you should take my jacket.

ok uhhhh don’t hate me for like 6k words worth of angst lmaoooo enjoy

thank you aoife for this gem i’m glad i could turn it ointo another chapter of this au bc i love it so much uwu

@puppybek - your angst is my command

@jekra - feel free to hate me/call the cops

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4

“Pleasedon’t walk out of that door.” // “It’s cold, you should take my jacket.” 

“Roy?”Riza asked, her voice small and defeated. He faltered, stopping in front of thedoor of the apartment. He cursed himself internally, eyes closing as he foughtoff the rising tears. It hurt to swallow around the lump in his throat.

Thingshad all been going so well recently. When had it reached this point?

Lookingback Roy couldn’t even pinpoint where it had all gone wrong. It had obviouslyhappened slowly, but he had been oblivious to it. Ignorance is bliss, as theysay, and it had been fucking bliss. Roy had been so happy he’d been turnedblind.

Hadhe all imagined it? The holidays, the date nights, the time they spent togetherintimately… Had Roy thought it was so much more than it was?

Apparently,he had.

“Pleasedon’t walk out that door,” Riza choked out.

That’swhen the anger made itself known.

Here shewas, begging him to stop, when shehad been the one who’d initiated this, not him. She didn’t get to turn theblame on him. No fucking way.

Roywhirled around, eyes shining, only to come face to face with her desolate self.But he was too angry to care. He had given fiveyears, his whole self – heart, body, and soul – to her, and Roy had gottenpaid in dirt.

“I’mgoing home.”

“This is your home,” she stressed.

“Notwith you in it. Not now.”

Ithurt to say. Riza winced as he said it.

Butit was the truth.

“Please–”

“Don’task me to stay,” he spat out. “You’ve made your feelings known. Don’t beselfish.”

“Ionly want to explain –”

“Explainwhat, exactly?” he rounded on her. “That this was all a sham? That you’re nowterrified because this was getting out of hand and now you’ve been caught?” Royran his hands through his hair. He was throwing baseless accusations in her face,but his mind was running a mile a minute after his heart had been crushed underthe heel of Riza’s shoe. He was desperately trying to pinpoint where he’dfailed to notice what was going on, but there was nothing.

They’dbeen happy… Hadn’t they?

“I’mleaving.”

“Roy,wait –”

“No.”

Withoutanother word he closed the apartment door. The slam resonated throughout theentire hallway. Keeping his eyes on the carpet so he wouldn’t see her oldapartment door. It just reminded him of how far they had both come in the lastfive years.

Andit had all been for nought.

Whenwalking down the stairs – his feet landing heavily with every step – he dialledRebecca’s number on his phone.

“Roy!”Rebecca greeted cheerily. “So, how’s the infamous date night going?” Shelaughed. “That bad you needed to call me?” she asked, joking.

“Riza’sin our apartment,” he stated, numb.

“Roy?”

“She– She needs someone right now. Can you go and see her?”

Therewas a pause on the other end of the line before Catalina spoke.

“Whatdid you do?” she asked fiercely.

Roylaughed to himself, but the sound was flat, dead.

“Loveher unconditionally.”

*          *          *

Rizasat on the couch in Roy’s apartment – it was back to his now, not theirs –completely numb.

It washis because she’d screwed it all up.

Someonebanged on the door loudly. The following creaked stopped the pounding as thedoor swung open. She hadn’t closed the apartment door properly in her daze.

“Riza?”a worried voice called.

Oh, shit. Rebecca.

“Whathappened?” Rebecca asked fiercely, seeing Riza’s current state. She seemed seton the warpath, no doubt to kick Roy’s ass, but he’d done nothing wrong.

He’ddone nothing but love her and look where that had gotten him.

“Riza?”she asked, giving her shoulders a squeeze to try and drag her back to thepresent. “Roy called saying you needed someone right now. What happened?”

Herhead snapped up at that. He had called Rebecca… To come and look after her…

Rizaburst into tears.

*          *          *

Royslammed down the shot glass on the table miserably.

“Oh,Roy boy,” Chris sighed, as if to say, “whatam I going to do with you?”. “I’m sorry, kid.”

“Soam I,” he replied gruffly. Sorry he had wasted his time.

Chriswordlessly offered him another drink. This was a dangerous game but if hisfoster mother was offering them on the house then he wasn’t going to say no.

“I’velost her, Chris,” he warbled, unable to hold back any longer. “I’ve lost her,and I don’t know how to get her back.”

Chrisvoice was soft, and dread pooled in his stomach because that never happened.

Thisreally was it.

“Thenmaybe you aren’t meant to. Maybe not in this case. Not if she doesn’t want it.”It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but it wasthe truth. He wouldn’t force her into marriage, into having kids. He wasn’t amonster.

Hewished he could take back that stupid joke about marriage and then thefollowing question asking her opinion on it.

“What would you say if I asked you to marryme right now?” he had grinned, half joking, half truly interested in herresponse.

Insteadhe received a punch in the gut.

Rizahad looked panicked, face stricken. “No,”she had said.

Hishead hit the top of the bar with a dull thud.

*          *          *

“You…!You!” Rebecca stuttered, her anger boiling underneath her skin. She had everyright to be angry. Riza had hurt one of her closest friends in such a horribleway that whatever onslaught was coming Riza’s way, she would accept itwholeheartedly because it was what she deserved.

“Don’thold back, Rebecca,” Riza interjected, tone monotonous. “You never havebefore.”

“Youare a moron,” she stated, slapping ahand to her forehead. “How could you do thatto him.”

“I’ma bad person,” Riza replied, shrugging her shoulders.

“Don’tyou dare act so nonchalant aboutthis,” Rebecca spat. But Riza couldn’t help it. She had shut down, so lost inher grief, that her emotions were unable to pierce through that gate. Her wholelife she had found it difficult to be open about her emotions. Roy had been –

Herbreath caught in her throat, a shudder running through her entire body as shetook a gasping breath.

Royhad been the one to help with that. His love, laughter, care, and joy hadhelped Riza draw her feelings out from deep within herself. For the first timein a relationship she had truly felt happy with her partner and it was allbecause of Roy. Not only was he her lover, but her best friend, and shecouldn’t picture a future – or a life – without him in it, even now.

Whydid she have to panic? Seize up? Deny him – deny them both – the one thing that would make them both the happiest peopleon the planet?

Shejust thought back to Dan and her previous relationships and how they’d all beentyre fires. She’d been hurt so many times in every case that when Roy offeredher the next step, she turned it down. It was only because it was so huge, she fearedbeing hurt on such a grand scale. Because, in her mind, Roy would hurt her likeevery other relationship she had shared. Her father, her previous boyfriends…They had all hurt her, scarred her. Roy would be no different.

So,when he asked her to marry him, she turned him down because she panicked. She didn’twant to be hurt when she’d already committed herself to him for life. It wouldonly hurt even more. Doing it now was a kindness to herself.

That’swhat Riza told herself.

Coward.Liar. A sham.

Shehad panicked, pure a simple. These were just excuses she was using to try andjustify it.

Becausethat was the thing though, wasn’t it? Roy was nothing like those other men in her life. He had shown her nothingbut love and support, even when they were friends. There was no guarantee he would hurt her. Riza, subconsciously,knew for a fact that he wouldn’t.

Butshe was scared.

Evenafter everything with Dan, he’d been nothing but understanding and concernedfor her welfare. He never pushed her into anything. He offered her shelter inher time of need. Their relationship was just a happy accident – one she hadaccepted wholeheartedly because Roy Mustang was, and always had been, a hugesource of comfort in her life. He was warmth, safety, joy.

Sowhy had she burned that to ash?

“Whatdo you want me to say?” Riza whispered.

“Doyou know just how much he changed foryou?” Rebecca demanded.

Riza’seyes lazily found hers. “I never asked him to –”

“Ohno, I know you never. He was an asshole before he met you. A friend, but anasshole. He slept around, had a really poor attitude towards life and otherpeople, but all that changed when you popped up. It was like he was trying toimpress you. And when I saw it was more than just that, that’s when I knew.”

“Rebecca–” Riza whispered, desperate for her to stop. Tears were already falling freelydown her face.

“Iknew the minute he met you that heliked you. Watching that grow into love was a wonderful thing, because I knewit was genuine. He would always get so broken up when you were with other men.I told him time and time again to ask you out, but do you know what he toldme?”

Rizashook her head, face crumpling as her head bowed, shoulder hunching, backrounding as she gasped for breath. Her body was curling in on itself, a naturalreaction to the pain throbbing in her chest. “Rebecca, please.”

“Hetold me he didn’t think he was good enough for you.” The following silenceallowed those words to ring in Riza’s head painfully. She gasped as she sobbed,but Rebecca didn’t let up, even when her own voice wobbled. “He told me hedidn’t want to fuck up what you both shared already because you meant so muchto him.”

“Stop–”

“WhenDan showed up Roy knew there was something fishy about him. He found out aboutsome of the weird behaviour and I watched him almost worry himself into anearly grave as he paced in Havoc’s and I’s living room, waiting for a replyfrom you to say you were home, safe.

“Henever said anything because he didn’t want you to think he was jealous – heabsolutely was – and was out to ruin your relationships. He respected you andyour choice. He was your best friend, Riza,” Rebecca finally finished,reminding her painfully.

“Please.”

“Youdon’t get to ask me to stop,” Rebecca whispered, her own voice thick withemotion. “Because you’ve hurt that poor man. He gave you everything. And at the first sign of moving forward you back out.”

“Rebecca,stop!” she cried, her sobs fillingthe apartment. They wracked her body harshly, her form shaking uncontrollably.

“No.”Riza’s eyes popped open, coming face to face with her knees.

No more, please.

Butit was what she deserved.

“Iknow,” Riza sniffed. “I deserve all of this. But please, don’t. I already… I…”

“I know,”she murmured but offered her no further comfort.

“I –I don’t know why you’re still here.”

“Becauseyou’re my friend.” A pair of arms circled around Riza and she whimpered, unableto stop herself from leaning into Rebecca’s comfort. “You’re my friend, I loveyou, but Roy is my friend too.”

“Iknow,” Riza whispered.

“I don’tapprove of what you did, and I’m quite angry about it, however everyone needssomebody. I won’t abandon you, especially when I can see how broken up youare.”

“I’velost him,” she sobbed.

“So, what the fuck are you doing sittinghere?”

“I… Ican’t –”

“You can,” Rebecca stressed, giving her shouldersa squeeze. “You love that man and you’ve been with him for over five years. Youmost certainly can because you owe him that much.”

Riza buriedher face in one of her hands as best she could, her limbs partially trapped byRebecca’s embrace.

She wasa fucking coward. No wonder she’d never had a successful relationship before –disregarding the fact that she sure knew how to pick all the weirdos. She was ascared child masquerading as a woman.

Achild who was so scared of getting hurt she pushed away everyone who ever gotclose to her because she “knew” they would leave or hurt her eventually. It wasa defence mechanism, nothing more.

Whydid she have to be like that?

Roydidn’t deserve that.

*          *          *

“Whereis he?” a quiet voice pleased in the room behind him.

Hefroze in his chair, eyes stuck on the amber liquid in his shot glass. Slightlyterrified, he lifted his eyes to his aunt, whose eyes were on the door. Herexpression was sour as she sucked on her teeth in disapproval. Without a wordshe rounded the bar and approached Vanessa.

“Sorry,”Vanessa replied coolly. “But –”

“I’lltake it from here, Vanessa,” his aunt stated.

“Ofcourse, Madame.”

Royheard nothing more for a while, but Vanessa squeezed his shoulder and offeredhim a small smile as she walked through the back of the bar.

“Riza,”Chris greeted. Her tone could match the temperature of ice.

“Whereis he?” Riza repeated. “I need to –”

“Youdon’t need to do anything,” Chrisreplied. “I think you’ve done enough.”

Royclosed his eyes. He didn’t want to deal with this right now. He wanted to beleft alone. However, if he dealt withthis conversation now, it would be over with, and he could continue to wallowin his grief in peace.

“Chris.”He announced his presence quietly, but it was enough. He almost gasped when hesaw the state of Riza. Her hair was sticking up haphazardly in place and lookedwet. She was shivering, wearing nothing but the t-shirt and jeans she had beenwearing when Roy left her. Had she walked all the way here like that?

His suspicionswere cleared when he saw a car parked outside the door, Rebecca looking upontheir conversation from within. She nodded at Roy once before indicating topull away onto the street. It was against the law to park right outside the door,so she had to drive away to find somewhere to park while she waited.

“Whatdo you want?” he asked, hollow, once Chris had left them to enter the backroom. Roy escorted Riza into the empty bar front.

“I’msorry.” The sound of her voice matched his. He offered her nothing, simplywaiting for her to say her piece and then go. “Can… Can you say something?” shebegged to his silence. “Please?”

“Whatmore do you want from me, Riza?” Roy asked tiredly. “Please, tell me, becauseI’m struggling here. I gave you everything, and you want nothing more.”

“Iknow you did,” she sniffed, wiping away a tear. “I don’t want anything else. I–”

“Wellthen, why are you here?” he asked,his frustration finally showing. He had misunderstood her, but Roy was unawareof it. He never even gave her a chance to correct herself, but then again, Rizanever tried to amend herself. “Haven’t you don’t enough already? Your feelingswere made clear. Why drag this out for longer than necessary?”

Silencefilled the bar. The door to the back room opened slowly and Chris stood in thedoorway, a reminder that Riza better not toy with his emotions anymore, andcertainly not in here.

“That’sfine,” she whispered, defeated. There was a certainty to her tone that Royreally didn’t want to hear, but there was no future for them now. Not after shedeclined his offer of marriage. He wanted it, he wanted to start a family, butRiza didn’t.

AndRoy didn’t want to do it with anyone else. He wanted to do it with her.

Thatimage of the house in the suburbs, the picket fence, the children and dogsrunning around the garden shattered like his heart, the dust of both theirremains settling uncomfortably in his stomach.

Itwas time they split.

Fiveyears wasted. Just like that.

Royclosed his eyes briefly as a tear escaped.

“I’llgo,” she whispered.

Itwas like a dagger in his chest.

“Yes,I think you should.”

Whenthe door opened, he noticed the relentless pounding of the rain. He would havelaughed if he wasn’t so upset at the appropriate weather for tonight. He alsonoticed that Riza was stepping outside into the winter wind howling outsidewearing nothing but a t-shirt.

“Riza,”he called back, cursing himself. Because despite her not wanting to be withhim, Roy still loved her with his whole heart and would hate to see her suffering.“It’s cold outside,” he muttered. He lifted his jacket off the peg by the door,handing it to her with sad eyes. “You should take my jacket.”

Hisaunt sniffed in disapproval behind him. Riza’s eyes flicked over at the sound,face stricken when she saw the look on his adoptive mother’s face, which Roydidn’t doubt looked like the thunder raging above them outside.

“Thankyou,” she whispered. He draped it over her shoulders, telling himself this wasthe last thing he would do for her.

Butwhat was the point in lying to himself?

He’dgive her the moon, still, if she asked for it.

“Thatwill fade with time,” Chris told him once he took up his place at the baragain.

“Iwouldn’t be so sure,” he smiled sadly. Before it could wobble and fall off hisface, Roy lifted his glass and took another shot, the burn replacing the one inhis chest.

*          *          *

Shehad tried.

Rizahad tried to explain herself, and rightly so, Roy turned her down. He didn’twant to get hurt again.

Oh,Riza knew all about that.

Thatwas what this whole dumb situation she had created was based on, wasn’t it?

Rebeccadropped her off then returned home after Riza convinced her she would be fine.

ButRiza would never be fine again.

Inher fear of getting hurt she had harmed the one person she had ever been inlove with. The one person she never wanted to.

Thewalls closed in on her, suffocating her.

Shecouldn’t stay here anymore. She needed out. This was where it had all happened.The first time they slept together, their mornings spent quietly enjoyingbreakfast and reading the paper, their evenings spent curled on the couch ineach other’s arms, watching television.

Apain tore through her chest. It was so painful she doubled over, gasping astears fell down her face. This was Roy’s apartment. She didn’t need to tainthis life anymore than she already had.

Rizadidn’t deserve Roy Mustang, and she supposed she never had.

Sheclosed the apartment door, locked it, and fled the building.

*          *          *

“CanI talk to Riza?” Roy asked tiredly. He hadn’t slept at all the night before. Orthe night before that. He knew Riza probably wouldn’t have wanted to stay inhis apartment any longer, and Catalina drove her home the night before, so Royknew she must be at Catalina’s apartment instead.

Havocand Catalina shared a look. “We… We don’t know where she is.”

Confused,Roy squinted up at them both, seeing the worry on their faces. “What do youmean, you don’t know?”

“Roy,she’s not picking up her phone. We’ve tried the apartment. The door’s lockedand there’s no answer.”

“What?”His head pounded, matching the raging beat of his heart. “Wh – What?” herepeated.

Catalinalet her true emotions show for the first time since Roy showed up at her door.She looked worried. Really worried.Dread pooled in her stomach, clenching it tightly. He fought off the urge tovomit.

“We’vebeen searching, all day yesterday and all morning,” Catalina replied, herdesperation shining through. “Roy, I don’t know what to do. She’s nowhere to befound.” Havoc wrapped an arm around her shoulders in comfort.

“Whydidn’t you tell me?” he asked, outraged.

“Wephoned the bar, but your Aunt declined to comment.”

Royfelt anger flash through him. He understood Chris was looking out for him, butthis was serious. Then again, she might not have known Riza was missing.

Royalmost choked as he thought of the word.

“We’vetried everywhere,” Havoc cut in, sensing his wife was unable to carry on anylonger. “Hughes’, her work, your aunt’s house, everywhere. The boys helped too– Breda and Falman searched the city but came up with nothing. Fuery looked inpublic buildings like the library and the museum, but nothing. Do you… Do youknow anywhere she might go?”

No,he didn’t. Shy of where Havoc had already mentioned, their home, the Hughes’,and Catalina’s, Roy wasn’t sure where else she would flee to in a moment likethis.

Therewas one place…

Itwas a long shot, but maybe, just maybe…

“There’sone place,” he began slowly, wondering is he should let them know. It had beentold to him in confidence and it had been such a sacred moment to Riza, hedidn’t know if her best friends already knew about it.

East,in her hometown. She might be there. Riza did say the old house was stillstanding and she held the deed to it but hadn’t been able to return there afterher father died. Her mother’s grave was out there, and Roy remembered Rizatelling him how she would seek out the grave to talk to her mother when thingsbecame too much with her father in the house.

Maybe…

“Outeast,” Roy stated, gauging their reactions. Understanding dawned on them andboth shared a look. They had an inkling of what he was talking about, which wasgood. He wouldn’t have to explain it all.

Especiallywhen there was already no time.

*          *          *

Rizashivered on the cold ground, the winter wind whipping around her body as shesat on the stone path before her mother’s grave. This was the second day shehad spent here. There was something comforting about being in a graveyard whenshe had turned her world to hell.

Thehotel in town was cheap and would do until she could find a place of her own. Atleast out here no one would find her. An exiling of her own choice. Well, Roymight, if he remembered. Riza hoped he wouldn’t but hoped he would at the sametime.

She’dspent all day yesterday sitting here just talking to her mother. There was acomfort in it, Riza thought. One of the people who’d meant the most to Rizabrought her comfort in her time of need. It was a shame that she was no longer inthe land of the living and the only person she wanted to comfort her no longer wantedanything to do with her.

Roy’sjacket brought her some warmth, but every time she shifted his scent shrouded her,bringing forth a fresh seat of tears. By this point she should be fresh out,but sure enough, they fell as she begun to speak.

“I’velost him, Mum,” Riza whispered to the cold stone. “I did it. I told him I didn’twant to marry him, but I do, I reallydo. I’m just so scared because everyone in life has left me. My brain isconvinced this will be no different. I panicked.”

“Oh, Riza…”

Herback stiffened as Roy whispered her name from behind her.

No.

Anyone but him.

Shestood silently, resigned to the upcoming conversation. The world was silentaround them, save for the howling winter wind. She shivered. May as well get itover and done with.

Because she only wanted him.

“Riza,”Roy breathed, gathering her in his arms tightly. Riza froze, blinking insurprise. What? He kissed the top ofher head and Riza simply stood there, stunned. “You’re all right.” He adjustedher grip, hugging her against him even tighter. “Here, take my jacket, you’re freezing.”

Stillin shock, Riza simply stood as Roy wrapped her in his jacket like a doll. Ofcourse, that left him in just a hoodie. Instantly she was surrounded in more ofhis scent and warmth which kicked her brain into gear. Before she could react,she was pulled into his embrace once more. Riza felt the tears well in hereyes.

“Ithought we’d lost you,” he whispered.

You already did, thanks to me.

Shepulled away and Roy looked surprised, his outstretched arms falling limp at hissides. His face questioned her, silently asking her why?

“Whyare you here?” she asked, voice holding that same monotonous quality since thelast time he’d seen her.

“Riza…You went missing. What were youthinking?” he asked, his frustration creeping into his tone.

Good. Anger is good. You can workwith that.

“I’msurprised anyone cared.”

Roy’seyes flashed but Riza missed it, unable to meet them.

“Whatare you doing, Riza? Are you insane?”

“I’m trying to get on with my life. You madeit clear you wanted us to.”

“Notby disappearing off the face of the earth with no explanation, no note to saywhere you’ve gone,” he replied angrily. “I get it if you don’t want me to know,but Catalina? Havoc? Hughes? Do theynot deserve to know?” he spat, angry that she had worried their friends so.“They had nothing to do with this, so cut the shit.”

“Don’tgive me that,” she fired back. “You made perfectly clear you wanted to move onso I came out here to give you that chance.”

“Bystaying in a cheap hotel? With no cash? No clothes? No concern for those you left behind?” he snarled.

Hewas right to be angry about that. Her fight or flight response had kicked in.She fought when she went to his aunt’s place to see him. She fought to try andexplain herself, but that had failed. She was a failure who couldn’t even keepone person close to her. Catalina, Havoc, and the rest were her friends, ofcourse they were, but there was always the element of keeping them at arm’slength. Just in case.

Herflight response kicked in when she arrived back in their – Roy’s – apartment. She had to escape and get away. Mostly to tryand escape the pain, but also because she knewshe had fucked up big time and wanted to flee from the responsibility ofdealing with it. Growing up had been lonely so she’d never had to deal withconflict, had never learned of a healthy way to deal with it. Disappearing offthe face of the Earth seemed like a good idea because then no one back homewould have to deal with her and her shit anymore.

“Theonly reason I wanted to get on withmy life,” Roy shouted. “Was because youturned me down, Riza, not the otherway around. Don’t you fucking daretry to blame this on me!”

“Ionly did it because I know you’re the same as all of them,” she spat, beingincredibly unfair. She just needed him to leave.He deserved better than anything Riza could give him. She was protecting him,she told herself.

“Andhow is that?”

“Becauseyou will just leave like the rest of them.” Her voice was as cold as herexpression.

Shewatched as he barked a laugh of disbelief, feeling doubt creep into her mind.

“Doyou honestly think I would do that toyou?” He laughed again, but there was nothing funny. He raked a hand throughhis hair. “I fucking asked you to marry me, Riza,” he hissed. “Why would Ileave you after doing that?”

“Becauseeveryone else has!” she yelled back, finally letting out all her fears. “Everysingle person in my life has turned against me and I’m just waiting for therest of you to do the same,” she raged, the tears falling thick and fast now. Thiswas revealing too much. Too much to Roy, and too much to herself. She didn’twant to admit it because if she did, she might crack. “I’m so unable to be loved by anyonethat it was only a matter of time before it happened. Every day,” she chokedout. “Every day I live with the fear that something will go wrong. I’ve beencomplacent recently, but it’s still there. I’m trying to protect you –”

“By pushingme away like this?” he interrupted,unable to believe what he was hearing. Riza knew it would sound ridiculous butthat was only because they didn’t understand. None of them did.

“Yes!” She was breathing heavily, theyboth were, too angry to continue their conversation. Riza begun to storm offbut was stopped by a hand on her wrist.

“Whatdo you think –?”

Shewas crushed in Roy’s arms.

Rizafought him, pushing and hitting his chest to get out of his hold, but shecouldn’t do it well enough. Her arms were trapped in between their bodies soshe could barely move. Her tears continued to fall as she snarled at him, buteventually that anger just turned to sobs. They were loud, so loud. It filled the air in the cemetery as Riza finally let goof all the emotions she had pent up her whole life. She wailed as she clung tothe only man who had loved her. Her body crumpled, knees buckling, but Roy heldher up. He loved her enough to seek her out when he thought she was missingdespite the fact she’d turned down his marriage proposal. She’d hurt himunimaginably and he still worried and looked for her. Still fought for them even though Riza had turned theminto a lost cause.

“I –I panicked,” she sobbed, body shaking against him. The wind threatened to stealher words, but Roy pulled her tighter against him. “I panicked because no onehas ever loved me like you have. Everyone has left me. My mother, my father,even my grandfather twenty years ago. All gone.

“ThenDan did – he did that. And all theothers before lost interest,” she whispered, the last sentence finallyshattering her heart as she admitted to herself how she really felt.

Thewind was the only sound in the cemetery as Roy held her and Riza cried.

“I love you,” he replied fiercely. Hisvoice wobbled and Riza felt his tears hit the top of her head. “Rebecca loves you. Havoc loves you. The whole Hughes family, the boys, they all do, Riza.” She cried harder. “Don’tpush us away. You don’t think you’re good enough for me, but you are the best person for me.” She sniffled,shaking her head in disagreement. Her face rubbed against his chest and shecringed when she thought she’d probably gotten snot all over it.

Whata nice parting gift.

“BeforeI met you,” Roy began, dropping all the anger from his voice. “I was anasshole. I didn’t treat those around me as well as I should have. Chris waspissed because she didn’t raise such a disrespectful person, and she was right,she didn’t, but for some reason I couldn’t be bothered by it. After my parents diedeverything didn’t mean much anymore.

“Thenyou came in.” Riza closed her eyes tightly, trying to calm herself down but itwasn’t working. So, she clung to him as he spun his tale. “They died about sixmonths before I met you. Those six months were awful, then I met you and webecame friends very quickly. I saw you and thought “wow, she is really beautiful”. But there was no way you would datesomeone like me,” he chuckled. “I was like a frat boy trapped in an grown assman’s body but when I spent time with you I didn’t want to be that personanymore, so I bucked up my ideas and strived to be better, just in case therewas a chance. I never dreamed there would be,” he chuckled.

“Otherguys came and went, and I was happy for you. I wasn’t happy when they broke upwith you, but there wasn’t much I could do. It hurt like hell to watch you sufferthrough every break up but I kept my distance.”

Buthe hadn’t though. Riza remembered now, thinking back. After every single break up, Roy had beenthere first to comfort her. He’d sat as sometimes she cried – holding her tight– and he’d laughed with her as she said good riddance, raising a toast with herand the rest of their friends.

He’dnever left.

Roychuckled to himself. “Remember Steve?” Riza nodded, mute. She held her breathin anticipation for what he was going to say. “I saw red when Rebecca told mewhat had happened.” He had hit Riza. Just the once. They’d been dating forabout eight months and there had been no other incident of abuse. He’d beenreally drunk, and they’d been arguing. “The next thing I knew I was at his doorready to beat him to a bloody pulp.”

“Why?”was all she asked.

“BecauseI’ve loved you for years, Riza, and have been in love with you for about the same amount of time. You deservedthe world, but you never got it. So, I vowed to better myself in case my timecame so I could give it to you. Doing it as a friend wasn’t enough – I wantedto do more – but if that was all I could get, that’s what I would take.”

Newtears fell, her quiet sobs all she could hear.

“Letit all out, Riza. I’ve got you and I’m not going anywhere. I get your scared,but I swear on my life that I’m not goingto leave you. Unless, of course, you ask me to.” Barely a second later sheshook her head vigorously. “All right then.” Riza felt his chest deflate underher head and her hands as he quietly let out a sigh of relief. “Just… let itall out. Let go. I’ve got you.”

Andso, she did.

Roynever left or pushed here away, just like he said.

“Hey,I found her.”

Rizasat numb in his car as he called their friends.

“She’s…She needs some time, and some space.” Even Riza didn’t know how to answer thatquestion, yet Roy articulated it correctly. He always could tell how she wasfeeling. “I’m going to take her home.”

Oncehome Riza felt herself stiffen as they approached their apartment door.

“Here,sit down.” Roy ushered her onto the couch. She followed his order, feelingashamed of herself and her actions, and embarrassed. “I’ll get you a glass ofwater.”

Itappeared in front of her and Riza stared as the air bubbles popped on thesurface, unable to bring herself from reaching forward and quench her thirst.

Onthis very couch was where she had lied and turned down his proposal.

Roywrapped his arm around her shoulders, drawing her body close to his as they laythere in silence. Riza placed a hand under her head, fingers splaying acrosshis chest.

“I’mso sorry,” she whispered.

“Riza,it’s okay.” His hand rubbed up and down her upper arm before finally settlingon her shoulder to give it a squeeze. “You don’t need to –”

He wasstill making excuses for her.

“No,”she whispered. “I do. I’m so sorry.You deserve more.”

“Ideserve you,” he countered. “If you will let me.”

“Ishouldn’t,” she whispered. “I hurt you.”

“Becauseyou were scared. You lashed out. Now I finally understand – and knowing yourpast – I can see how you came to that conclusion. Everyone you’ve gotten closeto in life has hurt you, except your current friends. I understand your apprehension.”

“I shouldn’thave. I should’ve been smarter about it –”

“Riza,”Roy stated, suddenly sounding very exhausted. “We could be at this all day. Iforgive you, okay?” She froze. “I really do. I just want you to be happy. Iwant to make you happy. I’m fine withputting this behind us because I don’t want to upset you even more. Iunderstand why you did what you did, and I will make it my life’s mission toprevent it from happening again.”

“Butit wasn’t your fault though, it was mine,” she whispered fearfully.

“Iknow,” he nodded. “But the point still stands. I aim to make sure you neverfeel like this again. Ever. I promise that to you.”

Whatdid she ever do to deserve him?

Anothertear escaped her but, like Roy, she was tired of all this.

“Getsome rest,” Roy murmured, kissing the top of her head and shifting on the couchto find a more comfortable position. “I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

Rizanodded and buried her face into him, closing her eyes to finally rest.

*          *          *

Butterfliesfluttered in Riza’s stomach as she walked. Too many people were looking at her.She’d never been one to appreciate or want all the attention in the roomfocussed on her. When she told Rebecca, her friend had scoffed.

“Well,get used to it,” she’d stated, fluffing up Riza’s hair at the back so it satnicer. “It’s your wedding day and you look stunning.People are going to stare.”

However,her eyes focussed on the back of Roy’s head as she and Havoc walked down theaisle and a calm washed over her. Once at the front of the procession –Rebecca, Gracia Hughes, and little Elicia watching her with smiles on theirfaces, the two former bridesmaids with tears in their eyes – Havoc kissed her cheekand took up his place at Roy’s right as one of the groomsmen.

Royturned to face her eagerly, a silly grin on his face. Riza matched his smile astheir hands entwined. He was unable to take his eyes off her and Riza felt thesame way. He was incredibly handsome in his suit with his hair slicked back. A fewstray strands had fallen forward over his forehead and she itched to brush themaway.

Theman before them begun to welcome the party to the wedding but Riza never hearda word.

Roygave her the brightest smile and gave her hand a squeeze. His expressionsilently asked her one thing.

Ready?

Rizanodded, resisting the urge to lean over and kiss him then because it wouldn’t beproper in the ceremony. The next best thing was a nod and quick squeeze of hishand.

Of course.