#Shadowsoulsborne Ring

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Soulsborne Final Bosses poorly explained

Dark Souls: God is senile, forcibly retire him.

Dark Souls 2: Lich King Cersei Lannister tricked you into doing her dirty work or Treebeard with the One Ring beats your ass.

Dark Souls 3: Parry all you want, you can’t parry the feels.

Sekiro: Swordsman hatches from grandson, shoots you in face.

Bloodborne: Local paraplegic regains use of legs specifically to kick your ass. Failing that, the moon does it for him.

Elden Ring: Kill God’s malesona and pet amoeba.

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Pit: Say, guys?

*Link, Samus, Joker and Mario all look up from their stuff*

Pit: How come none of the Shadowsoulsborne Ring guys ever show up at the mansion? Are they banned or something?

Link: Nah. They- they aren’t really the type you invite.

Pit: You’ve met them?

Samus: We all have, at least one of them.

Pit: Well, what are they like?

Link: I’ve met the Ashen One. At least, I think I did. Them and the Firekeeper. I see them sometimes, in the flickering embers of dying campfires, or the first deep shadows of the night. They’re there, wandering in the places between fire and shadow. Sometimes, when I’m half-asleep, I can almost see them at my campfire, resting on their eternal weary journey, looking for the Light at the end of the Darkness.

Pit: Wha-

Mario: I’ve met Ranni and the Tarnished. When I’m sailing through space, I see them in the moon and starlight. A knight and their witch of pale blue, clothed in a white that itsn’t so much a color as it is the absence of all colors. They’re there, flitting among the star and moonlight. Sometimes they’re fighting something, holding off something incomprehensible. And’ every once and a while, there’s a Golden Ring about them.

Pit: I’m sorry, how-

Samus: I’ve met the Good Hunter. Or, whatever they’ve become. Them and their Doll. Whenever I’m out far at the very edge of everything I can see them. A God and their creation they love. I can’t- I can’t look at the Good Hunter too long. They start to fray at the edges, like a scarf coming apart. But the doll... she seems happy. Or, at least as happy as they can be. I hope so at least. I don’t think they’ll ever stop wandering the stars.

Pit: Well, this is-

Joker: I’ve met Sekiro. He had a child with him, a little girl. He stays close to her, never leaving her side. They came into Le Blanc’s coffee once, and both their eyes were so old, so tired. They’re looking for something. Something that dances just out of reach. The girl because she want sto be free. Sekiro... Sekiro,m I think, searches because he has to. Because it was the last orcer he recieved. They left pretty quick, I haven’t seen them since.

Pit: ...

Link, Mario, Samus, Joker: ...

Pit: Ya’ll done?

Link: Yeah. Yeah we’re done.

Samus: Sorry, that’s what happens when you talk about the Shadowsoulsborne Ring protagonists. You end up giving long grand melancholic speeches.

Pit: Yeah, I fucking gathered. No wonder you’ve never invited them.

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Well, one good thing came out of this fucking ear infection. My brother felt sorry for me and bought me a copy of Bloodborne.

The bad news is, I’ve never played a Soulsborne game before, I’m just wildly well-versed in their lore.

Any tips for a Bloodborne noob?

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I’ve gotten to where I was before on my new Bloodborne playthrough, this time going by my “Ludwig’s Apprentice” build. And, having beaten the Darkbeast Paarl in a single try with my Holy Greatsword, I have decided that I am a God. I will receive your prayers now.

Also, is there any way to save my boy Gilbert? He only coughs when I talk to him now.