#Socialising actually physically hurts

[vulturesrottencorpse]

Is this part of my autism or am I just an asshole

ok so basically, there's this really nice girl in my class, she keeps trying to talk me me (guess she wants to be my friend) but I don't like her. I go to a school that isn't mainstream so we get a lot of people with autism, ADHD, ect. You'd think this would make this easier to make friends, right? No. For some reason I'm a very picky person with who I talk to, I need someone who's smarter than me or gets my humour or something. This girl, she just talks, and talks and doesn't get the hint when I try to politely shoo her away. I'll be drawing, she will comment on it and if I respond even with a thanks, she takes it as an invitation to pull her chair over and sit and draw with me. Constantly asking "should I do this?" "How do I draw this part" " what do you think" every 2 minutes. It annoys me because 1, I don't want to be rude, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I can't just tell her to go away, and 2 , I HATE socialising, even with my friends I find talking hard (irl, at least)

Getting too long but, is this normal? Am I a bad person for not liking this person who wants to be my friend, who's really nice and shares all my interests? Aren't you supposed to like people who are just like you? We are almost exactly the same yet I can't stand her. Maybe this is what it's like for other people who talk to me. I don't know.

Edit: a part I forgot to mention was that she has anger issues and gets annoyed pretty easily. When she's mad she just starts yelling and stuff, if I accidentally offend her by telling her I don't want to be her friend I'd be the centre of attention as the person she'd yelling at, which would probably give me a panic attack.

Since the start of this year I've become a very VERY shy person. If you were to ask anyone in my class or any teachers (from my class only) about me theyed probably shrug and say "who?" Or, "oh. The one that draws all the time" which is super odd because basically my whole life I've been bullied and to combat that I became a very loud and outspoken perdon. I still had social anxiety but with my friends I was pretty much obnoxiously confident. I've gone from being told to "shut up!" And "stop talking to loud" to "speak up" and "talk a bit louder nobody can hear you." So the switch is pretty sudden, and attention, ANY attention, a teacher saying hi to me in class, someone walking past and even glancing at me, sets me into panic.

So I can't tell this girl to simply go away, even if I wasn't scared of being mean.

Also, rereading this post I'd like to clarify that I asked if this was autism because of my extremely low social battery, people pleasing behaviour, ect. And I asked if im an asshole because you're SUPPOSED to get along with people who are the same as you. With people who have similar interests or struggles but I HATE being around those people. I hate being around people who remind me of myself. My whole life I've been friends with the confident, loud and unapologetic people. But the more I think, the more my brain tells me "you just don't like them because they have autism, and that annoys you" (IM LITERALLY AUTISTIC)

This is quickly turning into a long ramble session rather than an explanation. So, feel free to just ignore this wall of text lmao.

[britcision]

I NEED Ryoko Kui to give me some kind of work schedule for the Canaries

I know they’re not important but I NEED to understand what the fuck is going on

Fleki has enough free time to get high (not large requirement)

Otta apparently has enough free time and access to civilians to date??? (Higher time requirement)

Milsiril is KNOWN for adopting babies from short lived races, but she Was Not Retired Until She Got Kabru (HUGE time requirement)

So either Kabru was the first (she’s not had him all that long, 16 years is real fast for an elf to get a rep AND the criminals who knew her before she acquired Kabru talk about it like this is just a known thing - which is all the Canary criminals, only Helki keeps socialising with the Canaries after they retire, Milsiril explicitly does not go with them in Rin’s comic)

Or she was adopting kids in between missions? Did she bring them home after a dungeon, or was there enough downtime to locate and adopt kids?

Cuz sure, she likely wasn’t personally seeing to their every need to the same extent she was after retiring, but you’ve still gotta find an applicable kid, and surely she’d want to spend time with them, or she could just divert some family funds to an orphanage; her home away from the city post retirement woulda worked

So how often did she see them? How long was her leave, did it get longer as she got promoted? Some recovery time between missions makes sense, it’s a physically demanding job, but was it an elf’s short break (years) or ours (weeks/months)?

(How many kids did she have while she had Kabru?? She said she had too many so she couldn’t take Rin, how many is that??)

The elves don’t know what “hurry” looks like and consider 2-3 years getting back to you soon but also they were so desperate for people after Utaya that a fucking DUNGEON LORD was immediately elevated to captain and given a squad as soon as he was fit to fight

(Do they now have less time between missions? Trying to use less squads to cover the same ground?)

So like. How many squads are there? How many dungeons are there? How much downtime do they have between dungeons?

They all have Elf Twink Disease, they can’t be putting on the amount of weight everyone else is going for between dungeon dives to counter the risk of needing revival

(Which btw is not great for your health, rapidly gaining OR LOSING a large amount of weight all at once is dangerous on its own)

(I doubt a single Canary is actually at a healthy weight while serving they die and get revived all the time, but Milsiril never died once or put on any weight after retiring, and the few civilian elves we see are roughly the same size

We do know what emaciated looks like on an elf from Mithrun’s recovery (and tbh I reckon Fleki’s close, most common casualty if they really do kill her and pop her back every time her familiar dies cuz she doesn’t pull out) )

We know Pattadol’s first mission was the Island’s dungeon, but she was with the squad long enough for Cithis to ask Mithrun to break her

So how long was that? How many other wardens did Mithrun get killed? And how long was Cithis with them, if Pattadol was the first warden to annoy Cithis enough into telling Mithrun to hurt her?

I just. I need timelines. For Reasons.

[thedivineart]

PICK A CARD: FACTS AND SECRETS OF YOUR GREATEST LOVE.

⠀⠀⠀꒰⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⌷ .⠀⠀d i s c l a i m e r⠀⠀✿𝆬

[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉 ✧ ] any events and other things in your life are cannot be accurately predict by me and the tarot cards, do take a note that we are 'still' the creator of our 'future'- what you 'do' now will be the outcome of your future life and this could be either a good or bad, if your doing good and you are good to others expect the bright future ahead but in reverse you might expect the worst.

[ ℰ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] to pick a pile, firstly take a good deep breath, second focus on every pile in the photo provided below { pile one, pile two, pile three }, and lastly scroll more down to reveal your reading. if you cannot still pick up any of the pile, do remember the sequence of what is written in the first sentence.

ꕀ ׅ࣪ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ 𝓅𝒾𝒸𝓀 𝒶 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝒹 ; facts and secrets of your ᵍʳᵉᵃᵗᵉˢᵗ ˡᵒᵛᵉ

[ 𝒜𝓇𝓉ℯ𝓂𝒾𝓈 ✧ ] grammatical errors ahead, if you're a perfectionist then leave this pac. I do write with so many flaws and I know it's not perfect since my first language isn't english.

-` 𝑇𝐻𝐸𝐷𝐼𝑉𝐼𝑁𝐸𝐴𝑅𝑇 ´- ✰︵ — m a s t e r l i s t ´-

: ･. ﾟ ✧. : ･. ☽˚｡ ･ﾟ ✧: ･. :.

PILE ONE

seems that they likes socialising, sort of life of the party individual and may possibly that they got alot of friends since they value friendships however there's something happened between them and a friend ( probably group of friends ) which lead your person to feel victimize and got anxiety. either this called friend is hating/sabotaging them or bullying them, idk but this one 'friend' and your person isn't in good terms, definitely fear this 'friend' too. hmm, I feel that there's something fishing involve here, I think your person and this 'friend' have something before, like they tried to be in relationship before but actually failed to become stable. this person of yours may/already feel heartbreak and betrayal in their timeframe, even though they got friends they still feel need someone to fill their loneliness. on the other side, they literally got it all and might come from wealthy or wealthy by themselves (if they are a 'man'), high status in life and often in leadership position like in company being it's c.e.o or the boss where they work, actually they got multiple options and choices about their life, like they can get what they like unlike the others. however they tends to daydream and imagine often. also likes luxurious things or materialistic individual they are, they care about the money alot and good at handling it, they literally hate it when someone is late when there's a sched and call time when it be happen, but they are slow to be anger. when you see this person physically and in reality, you'll be having the thought of "they looks tough and cold individual" when it quite faraway from it, they know how to hide their innocence and vulnerability inside by hiding it on their appearance. one thing that keeps me interested with this individual, they willing to give it all if they love someone that's why often they end up feels of being disappointed and just hurting themselves but they know how to heal themselves too. knife and skull symbol might be prominent for this person maybe a tattoo or they like those symbols.

- dm me for personal readings

PILE TWO

tw: die, kill

soulmates connection here.there's two scenario here, first -they know within themselves that they are defensive being but of course they don't wouldn't tell it, if they found themselves in that situation they tends to walk away and leave that situation or where they are now, they want to leave and scape to that place but they don't know how, all they can do now is to be patient most of the time. and might be conservative in everything. they also know how to manifest specially to their desires, they believe that action and willingness with manifestation will lead you to a prosperous and secure life, at some point they prefer to work alone like being self employed. might be ailurophiles, they love cats. seems that they are more confident, if they achieve something or if someone is supporting them. they like to offer for people alot whether it's time, money or support from them. negative sides might be forgetful and hot tempered, idk if they are famous since they have alot of supporters maybe quite well known where field or place they are. they do believe success comes from hard work and overcoming obstacles, love how optimistic they are. finally a secret was channeled here, they may don't seem one as physically but they are very sensual individual who knows how to hide it. they do care about the animals specially if this is a cat and the humanity. you can easily may know their true identity by how they act in front of you. for some point, some people here may already know this person or will gonna know this individual this year. dang bruh, I'm shock to this message but this person having thoughts of wanting to die, they want to commit this sin or their anxiety is getting worst day after day, they want to tell it to someone but this person thinks that ' will they understand them even though they will tell it to someone'. s/he got the reason for it, the story behind of why they want to do it but might be afraid that no one will understand them. just a reminder that be observant to people who surround you, look how they behave and think before you outburst words coming from your mouth cause we don't know who suffer, this type of mental illness can kill, no kidding around.

- dm me for personal readings

PILE THREE

this person got powerful aura than the rest of the piles and somewhat seems that this pile is the combination of 1 and 2. they come from a wealthy/stable family/high status or inheritance from old people around their family, that's the reason why they don't suffer much when in comes to finances, this money may came from a masculine energy more likely the father or their grandpa. mostly who pick this pile, your person is more mature in appearance or by mentally or by age. might be working on authority level like the boss or in government and law or higher positions like manager, being team leader etc. for some people who pick this pile, I see that they still studying like maybe in higher grade than yours or simply this person loves to learn and very determine as well dedicated to what they are studying. however they may have fear that someone is more better than them, or they experience anxiety or deep unhappiness which causes to got some sleep paralysis/negativity. on the other hand, I'm seeing that they will overcome this one his/her obstacles. they tends to act hasty or bad mouthing and expressing how bitter they are in life maybe because of what they just experience, or they been/will face betrayal in life. they got big social cycle, alot of people know them and they know alot of people too, possibly that they are famous in their surrounding, however your person really knows who are the true and enemy to them or your person may feels that every people around them are not true and just want them for the money and fame specially if those individuals are his/her friends. they been wishing for healing from what people did to them for a very long period of time, they got solution and want to fly away to rest and ease this pain within themselves. they want some joy in their life and was eager for seeking it. as a addition, I see here that this person got some eagle eye or great observation, like they see it but other people wouldn't. everyone seems to respect this person and they know it, they know they are someone who should be respected too ( seems overbearing for me ). when they talk they are too honest to their words and doesn't care if the someone may feel hurt from it or spilling tea is one of their habit/mannerism. one more thing, they think people around them are ugly ( lol, that's bad ) like they based on physical appearance but of course they will keep it by themselves however if you focus on their eyes you can see the judging looking.

- dm me for personal readings

[ 🤎. ] Hello! Thank You so much for checking out this pac reading, if you ever like it please do follow and reblog for more pac. Let me know what you feel by commenting down below...

© thedivineart — do not plagiarize any of my work, translate or repost it on other social media platform , do remember that this is only my official account where all my pac are posted, if you ever see something like mine from word by word kindly report it to me, thank you<3. theme is included

[darkstrawberrytimetravel]

Why don't you just give in?Pt.4

Fem reader

Pt.3

You

I grab my drink and follow the girls to a nearby table, we’re seated midway between the bar and the back of the pub. I know the girls are watching the lads at the pool table, I can’t help myself either as I look up and watch as Simon loses his current round against Gaz. His movements around the table are sleek, like a panther, and practised as he lines up his next shot. His muscles flexing under his jacket, the hem of his jacket and shirt riding up just enough for my eyes to trail over his lower back. He’s trying, but he’s never been great at scoring, he’s just in it for the game. 

Images of us in bed together lazily flash through the forefront of my mind, him laid on his front as I straddle his bare thighs and massage his back. My thumbs working deep into the knotted muscles of his broad and muscular physique, the feel of my breasts brushing against him as I lean forward and trace my tongue up his spine. The taste of his skin, sweat and his own scent that I can never find elsewhere. 

I clear my throat and shake my head away, willing those thoughts to dissipate as quickly as they had appeared. I shouldn’t be thinking of him. We’re history. 

I stir my drink and make an idiotic point of counting the beads of condensation on the glass. Anything to distract myself. By the time I lookup again I realise he’s gone, I check the table with Soap and the others and he's not there either. 

Breathing a sigh of relief I settle in, despite my little speech in the taxi it looks like we’ll be staying here. Then again I can’t really go elsewhere in shorts, a hoodie, and trainers. The evening flies by, finally we actually start to socialise as a group, no more eye fucking the boys. Just as I start to feel that familiar easy going feeling of the alcohol working its magic on my body, my eyes trail up to the pool table and then the adjacent table and bench. Still no Simon.

I wonder why he's gone, he doesn't chain his cigarettes, and normally after a particularly long operation he parks himself out in the pub until last orders. The more I think about him in the present I can't help the past rear its ugly head. Though it hasn't always been ugly. I find my thoughts shift to us, our passion once upon a time. How fierce it had burnt, the feeling of our bodies, limbs tangled, comfortable and even serene moments in each other's company as we went about mundane ordinary hobbies and tasks. Hopes for the future. His hopes for our future. My inability to fully commit myself. His disappointment and hurt.

“Hey!” 

I feel myself being shaken lightly, blinking and looking around, I'm met with a pair of green eyes. Laura's eyes. Suddenly I'm back in the present, we're in the pub. I realised I'm chewing my thumb, removing it and wiping my thumb dry on my hoodie. I avoid her eyes.

“Yeah sorry, got a little lost there. You know…. I think I'm going to head off. Make my own way back.” 

Standing up, I make my excuses to the rest of the girls, citing plans for the weekend and needing an early night. As I step out onto the street and the pub door closes behind me I take a lung full of air. There's an autumnal chill, I realise how cold I am despite the alcohol coursing through my body. Standing there for a moment longer I make my mind up and walk further along to the taxi rank. My self control crashes, vanishes, and I know I can't fight the inevitable.

Settling into the taxi I nervously play with the cuff on my hoodie, I'm drunk. That's all it is. I just need physical connection. No other reason. I try to distract myself by looking out the passenger window, watching the dark houses fly past as we get ever closer to my destination. My limbs are tingling, I start to panic as I think about the last time we were in close quarters, alone. How he'd looked at him with dark eyes, disappointment and hurt morphing into something else. Anger. How he'd fucked me, lulling me into a sense of security only to pull the rug out from under me after we'd finished. Calling me a slag and practically kicking me out his house. 

His defence mechanism. What did you expect? You broke his heart, did you expect him to carry on with the arrangement as normal, as if he hadn't poured his heart and soul out to you? Only you couldn't reciprocate back could you. Those three words on the tip of your tongue but you're not brave enough to say them. Coward. 

The taxi stops and I'm pulled from my thoughts again. I barely register myself paying the fare and stepping out. I'm outside his home. Simon's home. I'm always awestruck with the mundanity of it. Just a simple two bedroom detached brick property on an unassuming street in Hereford. Close enough for a 15 minute standby, far enough for privacy and comfort away from the Garrison. I feel my heart race and my breath shudder out as I walk those few remaining steps to the front door, I don't even have to knock. The door opens and I'm met with his eyes, I can't tell how he's feeling. It's too dark to see any emotion written on his face.

“Hey” I don't realise how soft my voice is. How nervous I am.

Pt.5

[mychlapci]

Oh no the merformers thing is so interesting to me too... I do be clogging your inbox <:3

Sides and Sunny are like fighting/betta fish to me. Beautiful vibrant and striking colours, but highly aggressive and territorial. They have different tail types tho, Sideswipe maybe a crowntail or plakat, Sunstreaker is maybe a halfmoon

Mers like them are illegally held for their looks and fighting rings. They fetch a hefty sum at auctions

I think the twins are exchanged through many hands. Their physical conditions fluctuate wildly between seasons too. When they fight, they are well fed, but constantly injured, fins torn, plating cracked. On off seasons they are neglected, left to waste away and their colours fade. When the time comes for them to be sold, that is when they are treated best. They have to be healthy and properly nutritoined so their colours are as vibrant as can be.

All of this means they learn to trust no one. No one really cares for them. Just because someone is kind doesn't mean they will be tomorrow. Always bite the hand that feeds you, for tomorrow that hand will also literally throw you to the sharks

When the fighting ring they are held at is finally raided, obviously they don't know what happened. There's noise. There's shouting. Screaming. Energon is spilt. And then they are captured. Separated.

All the mers that are rescued and brought to a facility are kept in separate tanks obviously. They are all in various states of injury and sickness. They need to be quarantined and specially cared for. They are also understandably violent and are not fit for socialisation.

So when the twins wake up and can't find each other they go ballistic

Sideswipe bangs on the glass with his servos, shrieking and roaring at the bot that stands before him, just watching him. The black and white mech, annoyingly, doesn't even flinch. His appendages (fins?) on his back twitch at every bang on the glass, but there is no reaction otherwise. The mech seems to write something on a datapad and walks away, Sideswipe still threatening him from behind the glass.

Sunstreaker bares his long fangs and drags his claws along his glass. He's usually so careful about his beautiful claws, keeping them sharp and lustrous despite using them to tear his foes to shreds. But not right now. Now he pays no heed to his talons chipping on the hard glass as he snarls at the mech observing him. Black and white. Cold optics. Not a word from him when he walked over, and not a word as he leaves. Sunny doesn't care who that mech is but he wants to know what they did to his brother

Prowl is not quite a caretaker. He doesn't physically care for these rescued mers. But he coordinates. He oversees their care and watches them. He notes the health and behaviour of each mer and instructs their care. He notes the new red and yellow mers likely require sedatives so they do not hurt themselves. It's always a shame to see the states of the rescued mers that are brought in. But he's used to it now, it no longer tugs painfully at his spark to see them like this.

I don't actually know where this is going gjdhshd I just got carried away with the idea of it tbh. But eventually Prowl will notice something is not right with these two. As the other mers start to recover, these two do not. They remain violent, angry. No one is able to perform any physical checks on them without sedation. The way they throw themselves at the glass is hurting them. Prowl is the only one with senses keen enough to pick up on the way their fins twitch at every sound, the way their optics are always darting, but not in fear or paranoia. The way they seem to be looking for something rather than being driven by pure rage.

He knows something is missing from their tanks, but no one is able to figure out what since no one can even get near. One night, once he's clocked out, he's foolish enough to approach one of the tanks from above. No one is allowed up there, and for good reason. But maybe there is something he missed. He has seen everything there is to see from the outside, from the cameras, they must be missing something- And that's when a claw-tipped servo digs into his ankle and drags him into the water

He struggles and kicks and only barely makes it out with his spark. He's fished out of the water by other staff that thankfully had not left. A long and deep gash from the red mers claws stretches all the way from his optic, across his faceplate, and down his front. A chunk of his doorwing is bitten off

He only returns to the facility a few days later (much to the chagrin of literally everyone telling him to rest). He's no longer leaking energon, but not enough time has passed for him to be properly repaired. The painful claw marks and missing plating are still there. And he finally gets a different response from the yellow mer when it sees him

Sunstreaker recognises that attack pattern. The marks left behind from bites and scratches like that. His brother is alive

oh god this is amazing. i love all of this. normally i'd wait until i know what to say but then i'd just keep this ask forever.

i love the thought of Sunstreaker and Sideswipe not recovering at all, constantly on edge and aggressive and unresponsive to any of the research staff or other mers, constantly self-destructing against the glass of the tank, lashing out on the staff even though they know they'll be prodded and sedated.

when Prowl brings the claws from Sideswipe's attack to Sunstreaker, everything changes. The mer stops scratching at the glass and just... watches him, following around as Prowl walks, twisting his tail because he needs him to tell him where his brother was taken. Perhaps he curses and hits the glass a couple times, knowing the bot can't hear him and wouldn't have been able to understand him either, but he has to drag the information out of him somehow.

oh lord, i wonder how long it takes the staff to find out that they've separated co-dependent twins.

[shiveringfrogspawn]

In Mummy on the Orient Express (S08 x E08) we see Twelve actually empathising openly and healthily with another human (whaaat??)

When he transfers all of Maisie’s “grief, trauma, and resentment” into his own head (to trick the mummy into coming after him instead of Maisie), we see him validate her childhood suspicions, empathise with her strained relationship with her gran, and offer condolences for her dead father.

Is he actually socialising like a normal human (which we hardly ever see, the most extreme example of this being when he tells Courtney that she’s not special in Kill the Moon (S08 x E07) to her face multiple times without a second thought) because he’s forgotten what it’s like when you actually feel emotions? He’s bottled up his grief and trauma after the time war, that’s been there a long time, but Clara’s treatment of him post-regeneration makes me think of all the ways that would make him feel — unloved, unworthy, all the things he already thinks of himself as — but Clara is the physical manifestation of his sadness, appearing as the life he could never lead, the people he could never disappoint — and he feels as if he did, with his very existence.

She doesn’t love him the same way when he changes his face to look different, closer to his own age, more like the Doctor he is underneath all the cheery demeanour Eleven displayed, and she loved him less. He bottled all this up, all his EMOTIONS up, because he’s afraid that if he shows this side of himself again, he’ll be abandoned, ostracised. Toward the end of Eleven’s life (The Time of the Doctor, 50th anniversary special that takes place just after the end of S7) he protected an entire village. He ran, fought, defended, and talked them out of every situation, every skirmish, for hundreds of years. And during that time, he had to be brave. He couldn’t show that fear, that doubt, that uncertainty until right at the end, where he felt all hope was lost (of course, it wasn’t, but that’s another story). And then he showed Clara all that trauma in a different form in a raw and confrontational regeneration, with a face that reminded her of that every time she met his gaze, and she faltered. She shied away from his friendship, and though she eventually came around to the idea of a ‘new’ Doctor, their relationship was never quite the same. It was often strained, she frequently floated the idea of leaving it all behind, and his poor social skills frustrated her on many occasions. She’s all but begging to get Eleven back. And this clearly hurts the Doctor.

He’s become so familiar with restraining his emotions for fear of others’ reactions that when he feels Maisie’s uninhibited grief at her gran’s passing, hatred for her when she was alive, guilty conscience believing she caused her gran’s death…he validates her. Looking almost shocked, he gasps his way through the initial wave and then remembers what it’s like to feel things this openly again, and because it’s another person’s feelings in an acceptable social setting, he feels comfortable saying it out loud, validating her fears and offering condolences for her father (who was poisoned by her gran, as I understand it?).

Twelve socialises normally when he feels he can come out and express his feelings openly without fear of being treated differently or left alone. Maybe the reason he’s so socially out-of-touch and awkward when people are Feeling Things around him is because he’s forgotten what it’s like to have such strong emotions after bottling his own up for so long (~300 years defending Christmas and then after that when Clara doubting him made him feel alone and unworthy, which he hid behind a bitchy exterior).

[ssa-atlas-alvez]

Hey so... I know this may sound weird... but could I request the BAU team learning that one of their younger teammembers (Reader) is struggling with severe depression? Like maybe one night Reader stays behind at the office to "work on papers" but instead he uses the time alone to sulk and cry to himself because he's too emotionally exhausted to even stand up and go home. Maybe Derek or Hotch go back to the office because he forgot something and find Reader just... crying and screaming (cause I wanna scream when I'm extremely hurt)

I understand if you're not comfortable with this type of request. No need to feel obligated to do this

I don't mind doing these sorts of requests at all, I find it comforting and therapeutic aha. Feel free to send me as many of these as you like. Also Aaron and reader are not in a romantic relationship in the fic, just platonic or familial aha

Warnings: depression, maybe self harm(?) - reader punches something multiple times, also this might be cringe idk, oh talks of medication and antidepressants

Word count: 990

The case was tough, all cases were tough - you worked for the BAU, of course all the cases were tough. But, surprisingly, this wasn't exactly what was bothering you. You couldn't actually pinpoint what it was, but there was a heavy feeling on your chest for the last few days, growing slowly. Expanding. Getting heavier. You had grown used to the lump in the back of your throat, but now you were struggling. The tears were ready to fall, already burning at the back of your eyes, begging to be let free after being held back for three days.

"What's your plans for the night?" Morgan turns to you, wiggling his eyebrows.

You force a smile and a laugh, unsure if it actually reaches your eyes. "Not much. I need to stay here, finish this report. I'm far too behind and I don't want Hotch on my ass,"

This wasn't actually the truth. You were slightly behind, yes. But that wasn't why you were staying behind. You felt too exhausted to move, a different exhausted to being physically tired. You were mentally tired, everything took so much effort all you wanted to do was curl into a ball and watch the world pass by. You wanted to lay in bed and sleep, to do nothing.

Morgan nods in understanding, he knew what it was like to behind on paperwork. "Been there, done that, Kid," He chuckles. "Good luck."

"Don't stay too late," JJ says, "And don't forget to get something to eat." You smile, this time it's not fake. You were only a year younger than Spencer, but apparently it caused the rest of the team to see you as the baby of the team.

"I won't," You reply, "Now, shoo, go home!" You just wanted to be on your own. You couldn't deal with socialising right now, the idea of it too exhausting.

And the team, one by one, leave the bullpen. JJ to her family, Emily to her cat, Garcia, Rossi, Morgan, Reid. And then you're alone. It takes a moment to register this. Alone, free to finally let it out.

You sigh, letting your head fall to the desk with a soft thud. Everyone was gone, it was just you. The emotions flooded back to the surface and before you know it, the tears are rolling and you are trying to stiffle your sobs. Hiccups echo loudly through the bullpen and you can't help but be relieved it's just you.

"Come on, (Y/N)," You growl to yourself, "Get a fucking grip."

You feel your emotions double, and you don't know what to do with yourself. You roughly swipe the tears away from your cheeks as you sniff. Your emotions in your throat, desperate to escape.

You're not sure what you're doing until your fist hits the desk and an ache spreads through your knuckles. But it distracts you. So you do it again. And again.

A noise escapes the back of your throat, filled with pain and anguish. Yet the source of this anguish is still unknown. You still don't know what exactly it was that caused this. But the sound helps. You cut yourself off with a sob, covering your face with your now bruised hands.

"(Y/N)?" Hotch. Fuck. "Are you alright?"

You drag your hands over your face and you straighten yourself in your chair. "Of course," You lie with ease, "I'm fine,"

You hear Hotch sigh deeply behind you. You watch out of the corner of your eyes as Hotch grabs a chair from the desk next to you, pushing it so it's closer and sits on it.

"I get it if you don't want to talk to me, but I'm here if you need to. I can just keep you company if you'd like." He says, a minute of silence passes between the two of you before he starts talking again. "Jack's at a friend's house for the night, it's his first sleepover and he was so excited this morning he could barely sit still long enough to eat his breakfast."

You don't reply, choosing to focus on a spot directly in front of you, trying to force your feelings and tears to subside.

"He's tried to sleepover a friend's house before, by the time it was nine, I had to go and pick him up. He said he was scared of the shadow the coats made," Hotch said, you can't help but smile softly. Seeing this, Hotch continues, "He ran into my arms when I got there. But he was adamant this morning that he would be able to do it, he said he was nearly fully grown,"

"Must make you wonder where the time went," You find yourself saying, Hotch turns to you, a small smile painting his lips as he nods.

"Yeah, it really does," There's another pause.

"I don't know," You say, "I don't know what's wrong. But everything's... difficult. I- My medications weren't working, they're transferring me to a different kind but it can take a few weeks to work. Apparently this is what I'm like with low doses of medication,"

"Our bodies take time to adjust." Hotch said with a small shrug, "When they switched me from Prozac, it took me a few weeks to feel relatively normal."

You gape at him. Did he just casually tell you that he was also on antidepressants?

"You're looking at me like I've grown another head," Aaron said.

"Sorry," You reply sheepishly. "I just wasn't expecting you to be on antidepressants,"

Aaron gives you a look of understanding, "That's okay," He said, "Come on. Let's go back to mine, we can put on a show and just eat ice cream, I don't want you to be alone right now,"

You pause, pondering for a moment before nodding, grabbing your bag as you both stood up. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing that Hotch was here after all.

[onehundredandeleventropicalfish]

saw some more dream in the orb angst on my dash, and now i'm thinking of overture again

like. first of all - it gets a lot worse! because overture directly precedes the main story, so dream gets imprisoned twice in the span of about three days (at least the first time was relatively quick)

but second - he gets imprisoned in a black hole, by some sentient stars who want him dead but know if they actually kill him he'll just reincarnate, whereas this way he's out of the way forever

and i feel like this page says so much about how he'd react to burgess' trap, too

fanfic often focuses on the physical pain of that space - it's cramped, it's cold, there's spikes, he can't breathe, etc. and that's definitely there, he definitely feels it, but it's layer one of this spiral

no, what hurts a lot more, is being cut off from other people

and of course it does! dream may be kind of a loner when it comes to actually socialising, he can be sullen and moody and all of that, but he's never actually alone. he can't be, he's literally made out of everyone's subconscious, every thought anyone's ever had is passing through him at all times. that's his purpose, to manage and direct all that - i'd say it's second nature but i think in this case it actually qualifies as first nature. he may not always notice it or be conscious of it, he has the library so he can file that stuff away, but for most of his life he has had every single living mind in his head, constantly talking and thinking and dreaming

until now. the combination of the sphere and binding circle burgess set up is designed to keep dream's physical form in that basement, and cut him off from anything that exists outside of it. cut him off even from the people guarding him. both of these prisons meant that, for the first time ever, dream didn't have all that background noise that makes up who he is. it should be physically impossible for him to be alone, by his very nature if he's alone he's not really dream of the endless anymore

but both these prisons managed it

no wonder that's more overwhelming than physical pain, no wonder he believes he's going to die here, it's like you've torn out all his senses and a good half of his brain along with them with him still awake and conscious to process that happening

the black hole looked like nothing, it was made of nothing, so at least that's only jarring in how absent it is. but what must the world have looked like from inside that sphere, when all of the ways you normally process the world have been torn from you? do you even see what people look like physically, or do they appear to you as collections of stories and thoughts and hopes? and what, then, must it feel like, when now you can only see the physical. does anyone here even register as a person?

how alien must the world have looked? and how loud was that silence?

[0r1sw0rldxp]

Uhhh sorry chat i need 2 vent

So uh

I don't feel like I'm anyone's main friend ykwim. Like I feel like I'm annoying everyone. Some time ago I was in my depressive epizod again n I pushed a lot of people away. That made my friendz spend more time with their other friendz and js yk. My classmate bff started to socialise more and got more friends and we barely talk now and we didn't see each other for quite long and he got even a person who obsessively loves him (I'm jealous ok) and I js feel like I'm not important anymore. My another broski also got his own life and I think his crush is js his main friend. I feel like I'm annoying him, he often text me abt boyz he met or like ykwim but when i did the same today he seemed rather uhh not interested or annoyed even.

One person I liked a lot some time ago js started to ignore me and thiz actually hurt me a lot. Hell I even wanted to kill myself bc my pathetic ass was too obsessed. But then I js started to not care etc but they started being nice again. They make me all giddy and stuff but then I remember they're nice to most people. I feel so so so so so fuckin pathetic I want to end this chapter but I'm such a fuckin lovesick fuck. I either don't love at all or love way too much and want sb all to myself

I have a lotsa of frienz n mootz but I feel like I exist only when people feel like it. I'm js be rotting and goin insane until someone speaks up to me because I feel too annoying to speak by myself. I spent two weeks w my bro ik but im not feeling like their main friend. Even if we're bros for 4 yearz now.

I js feel so pathetic I don't go outside I don't talk to people I js sit there, watching random thingz on yt and style wigs or smth

I want to be important to someone I want sb to think abt me I don't feel like anyone care not even my family, I mean hell my family doesn't give a fuck, I don't have contact with anyone from my family except my grandpa who js died. I physically can't speak to another gender or even people. My social anxiety makes me sick anytime I'm abt to interact with someone

Idk im lowkey a mess rn I feel so pathetic i js wanna somebody to at least act like they love me but ik I don't deserve even that

Update i think I had a silent panic attack

Update2.0 I might as well kill myself idc

[percydarling]

You know one thing I wanted to touch upon is how among all Weasleys and yes ALL of them, Percy Weasley is the academic kid and him speicifically being singled out hurts.

Oh you can argue Bill is smart and bla blah whatever, he's cool sooo.

But Percy?

He likes writing reports and being in charge. He likes to talk and is passionate about stuff other ppl find boring. He's stubborn and prideful and has a desk job and is unathletic.

AND I CAN RELATE TO THAT.

Like yes maybe not all, I'm still anxious and hate public speaking and socialising but I am similar to Percy in a way.

So when JK decided to make him the 'Bad Weasley' it hurts me because I saw me in him. I really did.

And also the lost potential?

Having someone be intelligent is treated as a damn sin in the HP books! Hermione is excluded because of it and is also the only exception because everyone else who is smart is treated like f*cking shit in the books!

(AND NO dumbledore is not smart, screw him)

Percy, Cho, Cedric, Padma all these characters, one thing I can say they have in common is their intelligence and book smart ( doubtful ab Cedric but whatever)

And Percy had so much potential to be someone in the war who did the "actual" saving, no maybe not fight physically with Deatheaters but instead save the Muggleborns from being unjustly killed for existing.

Fight Deatheaters or Save Innocents? Which is more important- you decide.

AND IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO INCORPORATE PERCY DOING THIS! There's already this scene of the trio in the Ministry in the 7th book, just add something like Percy giving one of the disguised 3 some document of Muggleborns, it would make Ron re-think what he thought of his brother, HELL it would make book 7 so much more memorable and suprise the audience

BUTTTT NOOOOOOO, Hp books just want to drill the same point -

Academia bad, Sport and stupid fighting good

[blubushie]

Saw your post responding to that ask about tf2 fics and you're right, as a transwoman who isn't out at work the perception of how men act around eachother vs how they actually act is always jarring. Obviously it changes depending on the people, their relationship to eachother and the group dynamic but i find a lot of the time writers don't capture the bond properly. It's hard to articulate but there's almost always a sense of fair play to the insults and banter (again, depending on how they feel about eachother) that usually knows when to back off and when they've gone too far. If someone goes to far there's a backdown and a gruff apology usually. Likewise with any corrections it's usually blunt and possibly can be construed as harsh but it's also not necessarily rude or demeaning, just a "hey you fucked up doing this/that's a bad way to do it, here's how you should" type of sentiment

Idk it definitely isn't always like this and this is just my (North American, White) experience. There's definitely still some shit, "locker room" type talk and casual misogyny is really common, but it feels like the dynamics are always either portrayed as aggressive machismo competition or homoerotic tension

Nah yeah you hit the nail on the fucken head.

And I know that often the whole "homoerotic tension" thing is played up because fics are usually about shipping and homoeroticism is the goal. As for aggressive machismo, yes this is a thing that happens but it's not something that happens with friends usually. The kinda aggressive machismo interactions I see in fics is the kinda aggressive machismo men have when they're strangers in a group and still establishing their pecking order with each other—it's not the kinda dynamic that friends have, especially long-term friends.

Additionally with long-term friends, yeah, we usually know what is and isn't off-limits to banter or rib about, to the extent that crossing certain lines are worthy of resulting in a physical fight. But even when someone crosses a line on accident there usually isn't hurt feelings, just a quick correction and maybe a brief apology (simple as "sorry") and everyone moves on. It's never some dramatic scene full of angst or some shit—we aren't in high school anymore!

I rarely see this depicted properly in fanfic or even in commercial media, which is honestly SO strange to me because male mateship/friendship is such an important focal part of male socialisation and coming of age. It's weird to not see it represented or so often represented inaccurately. I've seen montage music videos that show it better than cinematic media or literature.

[funnywormz]

my red dwarf opinion of all time is I full heartedly believe Rimmer could be 200% worse. like yeah he’s a sopping wet loser already but man he could be so so much worse (something something it’s because his drive for power and control isn’t born of any legit malicious intent, but instead an internalized need to be, at minimum, perceived in general and, at maximum, be loved for himself [even if that ‘self’ is a carefully constructed persona and lacks any of his rimmer-ism] something something)

oh yeah anon you're 100% correct! i often dunk on rimmer for being an asshole, and he absolutely IS an asshole, but i don't think he rlly has bad intentions or actively wants to hurt ppl. i agree that his desire for power is more about being loved than anything else. i don't think he'd even know what to do if he WAS put in charge of something important lol. i suspect he would probably just panic a bit once he realised he had to actually advise and care for ppl tbh. i think initially he'd enjoy lording it over ppl but once ppl started criticising him or he had to make important decisions i'd imagine he'd have a breakdown lmao

i mean in siliconia it's revealed that he actively enjoys being a "mindless" servant bc he doesn't have to worry abt disappointing ppl anymore........ i think that any kind of pressure would make him crumble. it's clear that it isn't rlly power that he wants, it's adoration that he wants, just like you said. i mean, lister even calls him out on it in the better than life book lol.

rimmer hasn't received any honest unconditional love from... anyone ever, as far as i can remember (unless you count nirvannah maybe???). his parents seemed to show some kind of affection, or at least favouritism, to his brothers, specifically bc they were mentally and physically talented. i think he took the lesson from this that ppl/his parents would only ever love him if he could be the person his parents had wanted him to be.

the irony of this is that it's the sheer stubbornness he had abt achieving the goals his parents set for him (like attaining officerhood) that make him so unlikeable and insufferable to the ppl around him. he's uptight and hyperfocused on achievement and avoids hobbies, socialising and relaxing bc he doesn't want anything to get in the way of his goals, and that makes him completely unpalatable. any creativity or sentimentality or gentleness he has was either squashed out of him by his parents or suppressed by himself.

he lives inside this construction of what he thinks a man should be like. but it's not him, and everyone else can tell that, even though he can't. it's the lack of sincerity that makes him unlikeable, when it's a habit he took on BECAUSE he wanted to be loved.

i think it's all subconscious, like if you asked him abt this he'd either be confused or vehemently deny it. but i do believe that at the root of his character there's just... a desire to be loved. he does confess to it himself in "thanks for the memory". it's very clear in ace as well, a man who is clearly generating a persona for himself in the hopes that it'll make ppl love him. like most aspects of red dwarf, rimmer is funny on the surface but deeply painfully tragic if you think abt him for too long.

ANYWAYS SORRY this is basically just a more verbose annoying version of what you said lmao. the point is that i completely agree anon. he's so awful but so pitiful and sad it's hard NOT to love him despite the fact that he frustrates me so much sometimes i wanna pull my hair out lol

[saucyjothoughts]

Bojan taking your virginity PLEASE🫶🫶🫶

I got a bit carried away with this one. Sweet Anonyboo, please enjoy a cosy Friday night cuddelefuck with your older brother's friend.

(nsfw under the cut)

A knock at your door. Almost silent, just enough for you and only you to hear. You're too nervous to answer out loud but he lets himself in, slipping through the door into your room and closing it softly behind him.

He was one of your big brother's friends. You always had a little crush on him growing up, the bright smile and how his body broadened with the years and how he was always so interesting and talented, so sweet to you, always on your team when your brother would let you join in their video games.

You kissed him once. Or rather, he kissed you. It was the stroke of the new year and just a friendly thing, just tradition. Still, you thought of his lips against yours and the brush of his facial hair and the smell of his skin over and over.

You don't think your brother ever suspected anything. Even when you squealed at a scary movie and Bojan laughed at you but took you under his arm for the rest of the film, your brother was in the room but gave you nothing but the slightest side eye. That was only the first time, you and Bojan somehow always ending up sitting next to each other for movie nights from then on, even under a blanket together in the winters. On one occasion it was only the three of you and when your brother excused himself to the bathroom, Bojan squeezed you tight. After subtly stroking your arm under the privacy of the blanket all night, he finally dared to speak aloud when you were alone.

"This is nice," he told you. And yes, yes it was. His company was comfortable, his arms strong. His kiss on the top of your head sending warm shivers through your bones.

But then you didn't see him for a while. You were busy with your studies and he was busy with the success he was gaining with his music and with your brother moving out, there was little excuse to see him any more.

Until one of your friends forced you to agree to hosting a modest get-together. You didn't really feel like socialising, having just been through a messy break up with someone you thought could have been special to you, someone you thought you could have... given yourself to. But you had been wrong.

You didn't have much warning that Bojan would be there, didn't know he was even back home from his traveling, but you weren't unhappy to see him. Your friend had brought a guy she thought you'd like ("you should get straight back on he horse!" was her advice) but she had been spectacularly wrong and Bojan had noted your discomfort from across the room and rescued you from the guy's weird conversation, helping you escape to the kitchen. You'd both grown up so much, and had so much catching up to do. Of course, the topic of your recent unhappiness was unavoidable.

"I thought I'd found someone who was actually going to be good to me," you opened up to him. "I thought I'd finally be able to be physical with someone."

"You've never...?"

"I've never."

It's not like you were waiting for marriage. You just wanted it to be with someone who actually gave a shit about you.

An unexpected tension hung in the air. Both you and Bojan stood close with your mouths hovered open as though you each might have asked a question, but neither did.

"You could have anyone you want, you know. You're hot enough." You scoffed at his compliment but he pressed on. "I mean it. I used to crush on you pretty hard."

Surely he didn't really mean it. Surely he was just trying to be nice.

But that wasn't the end of the conversation. You found him again later, near the end of the night when your head was fuzzy with tiredness.

"I don't know why it feels like such a big deal," you told him.

"It's only a big deal if you want it to be."

"Does it hurt? The first time."

"Not if you do it right."

He was sipping on something you were pretty sure was only a coke and you couldn't help but look at his lips, his hands, thinking about who they touched, thinking about him knowing how to use them.

"Have you never even wanted to explore? Someone you trust, no pressure?"

"I've never done it."

"But have you wanted to?"

Your answer never came. Before you could give it, stumbling over your thoughts to find your truth, you were interrupted - someone calling him away for a smoke.

"Can I come to your room later?" He kept his voice low. You nodded, and he disappeared for a cigarette.

Now, he's stood in your room. The house is quiet - some of your friends crashing on the couches downstairs - and you're alone together. Your brother's best friend who you always crushed on, who had always been good to you. You've thought about this so many times in your most secret hours of exploring yourself, but now it's real. You're in your pyjamas, clean and soft and moisturised, and as he steps towards you realise how rough his skin is, his clothes smelling of tobacco smoke. He's going to kiss you. But his approach seems in slow motion as he moves into your personal space and rests a hand on the small of your back to keep you close. The back of his fingers lift your chin and then he's kissing you. It's just like you remembered, soft lips and warmth and closeness. Except this time he's taller, older and he's kissing you because he wants you. This time, it's deep. His tongue is slow and cautious, his arms strong just like they were all of those movie nights and suddenly you know there is no one else you'd rather give yourself to, no one else you want to wait for. Your skin is tingling with anticipation, every breath electric and your very bones ready for this, for him.

You take him to you bed and lay each other down. You're the first to venture your hands beneath his clothes and he removes his shirt for you to feel the skin of his body, muscular and warm.

Your hand on his butt over his trousers, then over his hip.

"Can I?" You whisper.

"Yes."

Your hand trails over the front of his trousers, over the bulge that has been growing there. He's waiting patiently, letting you set the pace, but his eagerness is undeniable. The naughtiness of it, a dirty secret, he shouldn't think about his friend's little sister like this but he does. And now your little virgin cunt is almost close enough to taste and he's intoxicated by every little sound you make, every touch, his cock throbbing for you.

His breathing changes as you run your hand along his length through the material, his hips twitching at the feeling. It's enough to make your starving clit tingle.

"Will you touch me?"

In the low light of your bedside lamp, he nods. He begins carefully, a big hand along your arm and on your waist and very gently over the plump of your breasts. He's saying lovely things to you in that honeysweet voice and moves his touch over the curve of your hip and along your inner thigh and everywhere he can reach before finally venturing to peel your pyjamas away. He asks permission to remove his own pants and suddenly you're naked together under your covers.

His deep kiss gains strength as he presses his body against yours and you can feel his erection pushing against your belly in vivid clarity. It should be scary but it's not because it's only Bojan - cute, kind, slightly sweaty Bojan - and you know he'll take care of you, every instinct in your body telling you to lie back and relax and welcome his attention.

His kiss is on your neck and he pulls back to watch your expression just as his hand slips between your legs and... Oh, god. His fingers are between you lips, spreading your wetness all over you. You didn't even realise how wet you were, your body reacting of it's own accord and now he's rubbing your clit and it feels strange and wonderful and he's grinning at you and you realise it's because you're whining uncontrollably, your cheeks red and your core clenching and your hips bucking. He's getting off on giving you pleasure and you're helpless under his touch.

"Can I use my fingers inside you?"

Yes. Please, please yes.

It feels strange. The physical sensation of having a part of his body in your special place, but also the exhilaration of knowing you will never be the same again. He uses a second finger and it's uncomfortable for a moment, but he goes slowly and distracts you by kissing so sweetly at your nipples.

"Do you want me to make you come?"

You've never had an orgasm in front of anyone else before. You don't know if you'll be able to let go enough to finish, or if he'll be able to touch you like you touch yourself. But more than anything, you want to try.

"Like this? Or do you want more?"

His fingers or his cock - that's what he's really asking. More. You want more. It seems to be the answer he was hoping for.

He settles himself between your legs and you lift your knees to give him space and you spend a few moments there, just bathing in each other's heat, breathing in each other's smell, becoming accustomed to each other's closeness. His cock is rubbing against your sex and his weight is heavy over you, biceps flexed as he holds himself up, fluffy hair falling over his face as he leans over you.

He asks you if you're ready. You trust him completely.

He uses one hand to help line up the tip of his cock with the entrance to your pussy and pushes. Only the tip at first. No pleasure, no pain, just pressure. His hips move strong and slow, pushing a tiny bit deeper with each steady thrust and how much he's filling you up becomes overwhelming and you're whining again and he's telling you how beautiful you feel around his cock and you realise that you are - right now, this very second - losing your virginity and joining a lovers' tradition as old as time.

You're beginning to love it. The powerlessness of being underneath him, at his mercy, trusting him to take care of you as your whole world becomes his masculine grunts and the smell of sweat and sex and the feeling of his cock pushing at your insides, violating the most sacred part of your body with his affection, his lust. You want him to go harder, to stop worrying about being gentle with you and you pull at his hips to show your want, to ask him to fuck you like he means it.

He takes the hint. Hand gripping your hair, he hooks one arm under your knee to pull your leg higher, changing the angle of your hips to let him push deeper and pressing his skin against your clit with every roll of his hips.

As it turns out, you can let go enough to finish with him inside you. Your orgasm creeps up on you, giving you almost no warning and flooding like panic through your body. It's like nothing you've ever felt before, to have your pussy clench around the solid intrusion of Bojan's cock as he continues to fuck you through your high, your whole body tremoring with sensitivity, and a new feeling gushing from you - the euphoria of intimacy.

He's grinning again, kissing at the side of your face as you cling desperately to the sheets, his back, his hair, anything to stop you from falling off the edge of the world. Eventually, he lifts himself away, slipping out of you and putting his hand to himself and jerk cum all up your belly as he buries the moans of his release into your shoulder.

You let him stay for a while, though you both know he'll need to get dressed and go back to crashing on the couch if you want to avoid anyone suspecting what you've done together tonight. But for now, he holds you in his arms just like he's done for years. You're grown up now, and naked and sweaty and covered in each other's combined lust. But his kiss on the top of your head still sends warm shivers through your bones.

[averinthine]

i feel like i need to write out a full explanation of a particular problem that's been dominating pretty much every aspect of my life lately. i want to be able to refer people to it when i need them to understand my struggles - it's a bit much to explain from fresh every time. it might also be helpful as a point of comparison in the future if things change. my thoughts are under the cut for whoever would like to see them.

it's hard to say how long this has been going, but it definitely feels like a long-term trend, perhaps going back ten years or so in one form or another. i have an absolutely dreadful lack of self-awareness though, so it's something i hadn't really understood was happening beyond a general sense of Things Being Wrong until more recently. i think it's also been getting a lot worse lately.

basically, my whole life i've been extremely easily upset by many things, including things that it doesn't make any sense to be upset by. even uncomplicatedly positive things have always had a chance to bring me to tears, with my mind somehow contorting my emotions in a way that can make experiencing happiness an inexplicably saddening event. this goes back to before i even started school, and i don't really know where it came from.

with my physical health having been in steady decline for a while, along with other aspects of my mental health, and also just some random acts of circumstance, a lot of the things that used to be important and cherished parts of my life have fallen away, and i'm constantly yearning to bring them back. there's also a lot i've learned about myself lately, about things that have never been a part of my life before, but i now know i'd really like them to be.

the trouble is, these two issues combine in a vicious cycle, where i feel bad about not having certain things in my life, so i try to (re)engage with them, but then when i do, i get so overwhelmed with emotion that it's difficult to actually enjoy them. instead i end up just feeling terrible about how unaccustomed i am to having them in my life, and it hurts so much that i sometimes have to disengage. it makes me fearful to even try.

the only things that get spared from this are the things that i'm used to, that are so familiar that i don't really feel strongly about them in the first place. things that stuck with me as ways to occupy my mind during the times i was struggling the most, not out of them being profoundly comforting or important to me, but out them being just enough to distract me without making me Feel Too Much.

so i'm in this cycle where i spend a great deal of time just trying to avoid the agony of my overpowering emotions by hiding in my room doing things that aren't fulfilling to me. it sucks, i know it sucks, and i'd desperately like it to change, but it's just so incredibly difficult to make any such changes, because of how overwhelming it is.

as an example, i know i'd be a lot happier if i got back into making music, but it's a struggle, because doing so reminds me of the pain of having let that go in the first place. heck, i sometimes have a hard time just Listening to music if it was made by someone i strongly relate to as a person (particularly transfem musicians), because that's the sort of thing i should've been doing myself this whole time, and instead i've just got this big fucking void of a life.

it works basically the same for all the other hobbies and interests that i would like to have, or used to have. it applies to socialising in general, and particular forms thereof. it's basically the same reason as why there are a lot of people i used to talk to regularly, who i'd love to be that close with again, but i just can't bring myself to do anything to make that happen. there's also various social anxietes involved, of course, but i really don't think they would be too much of an impediment on their own.

so where do i go from here? obviously i need to Get Over It somehow. i'm profoundly unhappy with my life, and will be until i figure a way out. many parts of my life have gotten tangibly better recently, in terms of other problems having been resolved. but until i overcome this particular vicious cycle, the various sufferings that have been removed haven't had much of anything good to take their place. most of my remaining problems at this point stem from my own mind. the fact that i'm physically disabled scarcely matters when i wouldn't be doing anything with the abilities i lack anyway. i need to figure out how to fix this, and i worry how much of my life could slip away going unlived before i do.

[moku-youbi]

Do you do ABO verse? or would that be something your interested in?

So, as a general rule I'm not a big fan of ABO. I find a lot of it really reductive. I don't wanna yuck other people's yum, but I also hate the way it perpetuates a binary and reinforces gender stereotypes that I'm not a fan of.

However, all that being said, I've come across some really great ABO fics that play with all that stuff in a really satisfying way. I tried my hand at one a million years ago, but never got very far in it sadly.

I guess part of the problem at least is that, when we're talking about queer men, it would make more sense for two Alphas or two Omegas to be in love, regardless of their secondary sexual characteristics. So generally, I think that's the route I'd like to explore.

With Klive, specifically, I've had a couple of thoughts, NGL. Primarily an Alpha/Alpha or Omega/Omega situation. But I also thought it could be really interesting to explore what might be the reasons a person presents as an Alpha or an Omega. You know, with such radically different pseudo-science explanations/lore floating around, how some suggest that the body undergoes an actual physical transformation at a certain age, and before then has the potential to be either, and therefore outside influences or stressors could impact which way it goes. While it might not be common, one of the factors could have to do with finding your soulmate before either of you have presented. In which case the dynamic you have might inform which of you presents as which.

So Klaus and Five are childhood sweethearts, and everyone just knows Five's going to turn out to be the alpha, and Klaus the omega, just based on their personalities and preferences and physical attributes. Except then Five disappears. Five still becomes an alpha in the apocalypse, but in his absence, I had this idea that maybe Klaus becomes an alpha, as a way of coping. That without Five, his body just wasn't willing to make itself vulnerable in yet another way. Then, Five comes back in his younger body, and is surprised and maybe a little disappointed that Klaus is an alpha too. Except then when he starts to go through the whole presenting a second time, his body responds to the fact that Klaus is his soulmate, so he presents as an omega.

I think it could be a lot of fun to explore the difference in experience from the first time around. How maybe he's uncertain or even upset about it at first, but eventually comes to find that actually? And how alpha/omega isn't this black and white thing, how many of the traits that are associated with one or the other don't actually have anything to do with the secondary sex. Five is still a crazy, feral little psycho if you threaten his family. Klaus is still all hippie, peace and love. But Klaus will fuck up anyone who hurts the people he loves, and Five gets to be soft and enjoy Klaus taking care of him.

IDK. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it, with the long list of fics I'm already actively working on or thinking about. I will say that Klaus in general gives me gender feels, and in my Danger Days AU he has both sets of parts, male and female. And while I often feel like Always the Opposite Gender fics don't work because of how people are socialised, I do think that the Umbrella kids present a unique opportunity, where the circumstances around their upbringing wouldn't have really changed, and the didn't spend enough time around people outside of the manor to get that socialisation, so AAG!Klaus or AAG!Five are also pretty plausible, and in particular I think it could be really fucking cool to see how AAG!Five might do in the real world, after living in the manor and then the apocalypse, and how being treated at all like she's lesser than or incapable might set her off on a murderous frenzy. Because she'd be the exact same Five we know, just different pronouns.

[cornfields-td-nonsense]

had an ask about how the final four actually made it there but I accidentally deleted it oops

Lara's ability to fly under the radar carried her to the merge, and her newfound confidence, especially with socialising, carries her most of the way to the finals. That, and her just being good at challenges. Not all of them (gross food challenges are still the bane of her existence) but enough to see her through. On top of this, right from the start she's been taking notes on all her fellow campers, so she can try to better socialise with them and hopefully not embarrass herself. And this of course becomes important later, her having gathered all of this information that can potentially be used against people, or used to frame her for using underhanded tactics.

This sets up a neat little parallel with Lloyd, who's also making sure to keep tabs on everyone, except in a much sneakier, taking-advantage-of-the-people-around-him way. His biggest skill is his observance, noticing little details that elude most people. He's always keeping tabs on the relationships and dynamics at play, figuring out who's in an alliance, who has bad blood with whom, and so on, which he uses to his advantage and tries to exploit wherever he can. And keeping Rod by his side for as long as it suited him definitely didn't hurt his chances. So by the time everyone saw his true nature (and he realised he'd made a horrible mistake), it was too late. He'd already made it to the final 4.

Don't think Rod was just carried by Lloyd this whole time - he has skills of his own. He's athletic, decently strong, and has really good eyesight; kind of like Lloyd, he notices things that others don't. He might not be the smartest, but he's not a bumbling idiot - very important distinction. And being generally well-liked by the cast doesn't hurt too much either. He's kind of like Season 1 DJ before the writers decided to flanderise him and just make him a complete coward to a cartoonishly stupid degree.

Ahem. Anyway. Carmen's similar - a combination of quick thinking, physical skill (she's a lot stronger than she looks), a bit of luck, and just being a nice, likeable person got her to the final three. She probably would have made the finals instead of Lloyd... had she not gotten a little bloodthirsty at a crucial moment. That hurt her chances a little. But it hurt Chris a lot more, lol.

So, that's our final 4!