#Something something irrational behaviors from the other's POV :)

[another-clive-blog]

clive has pica and he eats dirt

SILLY CLIVE AND DIMITRI FIC !!!! CLAP YOUR HANDS IF YOU'RE EXCITED FOR THE CRACK FIC ABOUT MY FAVOURITE PLATONIC COMEDY DUO !!!!

No TW for this one !! It is a crack fic but the humor comes from Clive and Dimitri's personalities clashing, not the dirt eating (it's mostly just mentionned here). Dimitri is just trying SO HARD to understand the situation/context and Clive is NOT helping lol x) Without further ado, the fic !

"Clive. What are you eating ?"

Clive sighed. Leaning back on his chair, he put the dirt back in its box. "Cocoa powder, obviously."

Dimitri narrowed his eyes, clearly unconvinced, and Clive closed the box nonchalantly, as if this conversation was over- as if Dimitri had not just witnessed his colleague eating dirt.

Clive groaned as Dimitri walked up to the table, and the younger man instinctively held the box closer to his chest.

"Can I have some ?" Dimitri asked in a disinterested tone.

"No, you can't," Clive snapped. "Go buy your own with the money I'm giving you."

"They don't really sell cocoa powder down there," Dimitri pointed out. "Where did you find some anyway ?"

"I built this town, Dimitri. I could create a cocoa shop if I wanted to. I'm going to do that actually. I'll get everyone to work on it so that it'll be done in, what, ten minutes, and in ten minutes you'll leave me alone and go bother someone else."

"Alright," Dimitri calmly nodded, answering this rant with the blankest face in the underground game, "In the meantime, explain to me why you're eating dirt."

Clive pressed the box against his chest : he looked frankly annoyed, groaning at his colleague's perseverance. "I'm not."

"There are leaves in there, Clive."

"It's called aromatic plants. These bring flavour, not that you know anything about good taste."

"The rocks bring flavour too ?"

"Can't you ever let it go ?!" Clive suddenly stood up, making his chair fell to the ground. Dimitri didn't move as Clive smashed the box on the table, spreading its content everywhere. "There ! You're happy now ? Got your little dumb hypothesis proven right, hurray ?!"

Dimitri only stared. "There's dirt on the table."

"There's going to be dirt on your face-"

"Wait," Dimitri sighed, and he pinched the bridge of his nose when dirt landed on his white coat. "Why are you even eating dirt- would you stop that."

Clive threw a fourth handful of dirt before reluctantly stopping. "Leave," he commanded, "I'm not talking to you, you're annoying, we're not sharing secrets like two middle schoolers."

Dimitri wiped the dirt off. Well, this was going to leave a stain. "I'm not a middle schooler, but I do need to know why you would even eat dirt."

"Why ? You don't care about my well-being."

"We're associates. You're paying me to work on this project. You're the one who has control over the clock shop. I would be pretty impacted by your sudden and predictable death."

Clive rolled his eyes, scooping a handful of dirt. "I'm not dying. I've been doing this for years now and I'm fine."

Dimitri narrowed his eyes.

"Don't look at me like that," Clive added, eating some more.

This time, Dimitri looked more puzzled than anything. "Isn't this bad for you ? You should be getting sick, right ?"

Clive shrugged. "Well, sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, you know how it goes. I haven't died yet so it's fine."

Dimitri took a deep breath, trying to wrap his head around whatever had just happened. His associate ate dirt. It sometimes made him sick. He'd been doing it for a long time now.

Well, he couldn't just... keep him from doing it. Even if he tried to, Clive would still find a way to do as he pleased : he was weird and annoying like that, always making his life harder just because he could. It was maybe best to just... let him do his thing. He was... handling it, somehow, and disrupting this inconceivable harmony would just cause more problems for Dimitri.

Problems that Clive would deliberately inflict on him, and these would be far more upsetting than this guy sometimes eating dirt.

"I just need to know," Dimitri insisted, staring at Clive who had quite literally cleaned the whole table. "Why do you do that ?"

That question was an admission of defeat, and they both knew that.

Clive smiled smugly, that same insufferable expression which always caused Dimitri to look away in irritation : he was so so glad and proud of himself that Dimitri almost decided to leave without an answer. He didn't care about it that much, to be honest, and it would spare him this infuriating demonstration of 'I have won' that Clive would most certainly top with some irritating remark.

Before he could turn away, though, Clive opened his mouth. "I don't know. Why do you keep working on this time machine ?"

[k-s-morgan]

Hello

I am reading your kuro fic and I really enjoy the hurt/comfort between Sebastian and Ciel.

However. I am curious about the sensations he feels when being with Ciel. From what we get when reading his POV, it seems sometimes his demonical essence is getting aroused by Ciel's behavior and closeness.

So I wondered how would he react, when he realise a physical reaction like that for a human. Especially Ciel.

And how would Ciel react about something physical. He didn't seem to be so shocked or against a kiss between Sebastian and himself.

Hi! Thank you, I also enjoy writing about how these two hopeless monsters keep hurting one another, then seek comfort in one another, then hurt each other again.

I'm not sure at what point Sebastian will fully realize and acknowledge the physical attraction he feels to Ciel because this is the first time he's experiencing it on every level, including the purely demonic and authentic one. We'll see how it goes, he'll probably surprise me with this too. I guess in his mind, it will be too blurred with his overwhelming possessiveness to clearly differentiate between the two. That he wants to possess Ciel is a fact that he won't deny, but the component of sexual attraction will probably confuse him into staying oblivious for quite a while. Once he embraces it, he'll likely want to act on it, so he might start a long-term game of seduction. Then again, it'll probably happen in a post-canon period because they'll be too busy with other things meanwhile.

As for Ciel, on the one hand, he was open to a kiss because his body and his mind recognize Sebastian as someone safe, and more closeness is something he craves. Sebastian is the only safe being to him, we see this from how he recoils from Bard and multiple other people who try to touch him even innocently. But if things were to go deeper, verging into the purely sexual territory where Ciel knew nothing but abuse and violence, then it might lead to some complications. He could struggle with irrational panic and self-revulsion for wanting something that hurt him and debased him so much in the past.

[classicanalyzer]

The Acolyte - Destiny Thoughts

"Destiny is not decided for you by an anonymous Force. You get to make a choice, Osha. If you want to pull the Thread, then pull it." Mother Aniseya

I love how the logo of the show matches the colors of a small part of the skies, especially when the Ascension was happening with the orange and light blue converging together. I do love how we get further humanization of this witch coven. However, I have a feeling we might have our view of them subverted since we see them from their POV.

Mae (her full name being Mae-Ho) was incredibly messed up as a child. With how Mae used the Force on the butterflies, as my friend said it best, those are serial killer signs (it also reminds me of Momin). I was incredibly surprised at how she thought killing her own sister would stop her from leaving. No wonder she became an Acolyte.

I like how Osha (her full name being Verosha) shows her desire to be more and explore the galaxy. It's hard for her and for anyone who is in her shoes to speak out for herself than others expect you to be. I also like the parallels to TPM Anakin which is even more apparent with no they were born with no father.

This leads to a major reveal of how Osha and Mae were conceived by the Force (or the Thread) by Mother Aniseya and Mother Koril. I hope we get to know more of the specifics behind this since the Force might not have liked this (in Legends, I believe Plagueis tried to manipulate the Midiclorians using the Force for immortality and the Force not liking being manipulated reacted back to this by creating Anakin) I do love this unique direction and exploration and I hope we get to learn more.

I really like Mother Aniseya. She was incredibly understanding towards Osha's well-being despite her preferring Osha to stay. It humanizes this group of witches despite the implications that the witches might've done something bad to warrant Jedi's caution. Since the Jedi did tolerate other Dark Side groups that weren't Sith, it makes one question what's up with this group in particular. I also like how her relationship with Mother Koril is shown. They both love each other but they clearly have different views on how to raise their children. It's also understandable of why the group doesn't want to give up their children given their trauma but they also have to respect that Osha wants to be more than a witch.

The HR Jedi are also portrayed well here. They're doing their best (understandably cautious towards the coven given the implied past of the group being not so great) and wanting to protect Force-sensitive children (the possession thing and what we know happened to Force-sensitive children). Sol continues to be one of the best Jedi of the HR Era and in general. His kindness and understanding of Osha stand out and show why Osha thinks so fondly of him. How he sympathizes with Osha about feeling scared just like her and comforts her that she isn't alone in this is great to see. You can feel the weight of his guilt when he had to tell her that none of her family survived.

The entire witch coven definitely didn't die in the fire (their bodies aren't charred). There's something much more going on and perhaps the Jedi are involved in it though I highly doubt they went out of their way to kill them if they did (I highly doubt Sol was a part of it if that's the case). Perhaps even the Sith or an Acolyte (the mysterious Dark Side user) was responsible for the explosion. However, I definitely think the fire was the first domino that led to the tragedy. Mae's irrational and disturbing behavior had inadvertently resulted in the loss of everything.

Episode 3 continues Acolyte's greatness and I hope Episode 4 continues this streak. Kogonada, a South Korean-born American, directed this episode and I can't for his work in Episode 7.

[ria-writes-stories]

To each other and each other only

Genre: Romance, Comfort

Ship: Jolly

Description: Lesbians who are passive aggressive

-----

(No one's pov)

J was walking to an abandoned building, a mall to be more specific, deserted and empty like everything on this hollow atomic wasteland of nothing but harsh coldness and- no. There are some things that are warm in this world as cold as it seems.

J pushed her head underneath Doll's arm while pulling the shorter drone on her lap holding her in a tight demanding manner yet her grip was soft and careful as if she was afraid to accidentally break her. "Idiot drone." J said upset as she held Doll closely to her, with her chest pressed against her back. "Moron useless piece of scrap." Doll answered bluntly without remorse whatsoever as she avoided J's gaze, as she continued to stare off into the distance as she was doing earlier before J picked her up and sat her on her lap. "You were gone all night. Do you have any clue where I searched for you? I even went down that hell hole!" J spat out angrily with venom, she was highly irritated of Doll's 'negligence' and 'immature behavior', she was absolutely furious with it.

"No you didn't." Doll dismissed her simply as she knew what J was referring to, or at least she thought so... "I went all the way over that dumb colony looking for you and you weren't anywhere to be seen!" J spat out angrily. "For a moment I thought you went down to the elevator." "You're annoying not an absolute worthless imbecile like N." J said angrily as Doll continued to stay as cold and blunt towards her despite how closely J was holding her. "It's not my fault if you can't use your control board disk to realize that I would never go back to the colony-" "Not even for the inexplicable amounts of oil there?" Doll's eyes slightly widen as she went quiet and slightly moved her head to the side to avoid J's gaze.

"Stop being such an annoying toaster!" J said grabbing Doll's chin and forcing her to look at her, Doll's answer? She 'slapped' J's hand away from her in a quick aggressive yet painless movement. "Shut up."

Doll was impossible to break through, yet this disassembly drone always found new ways when an old one would fail. "You were hungry, you went to the colony to feast, why didn't you leave a note or something you utter low minded incapable drone?!" "Because than you'd sit like a useless dog in one place instead of doing work like I do." J was beyond furious and Doll was acting uncaring and annoyed.

Doll knew J by now. She was like a panther. Solo and alone, deadly and dangerous but not at the top of the food chain among all of the felines or among other top predators in other places where there are bears for example. However she was fast, incredibly so, and efficient, that's why Doll wouldn't like if this yellow panther would lazy around instead of searching for what she needed so she could take it from her just because of something as irrational as 'worrying'.

J knew Doll better than anyone ever got to. You may say that their common 'passion' or primal survival need to consume other drones to survive brought them closer, because it was something they only had each other to understand for. Lizzy never understood Doll, ever. Doll was simply a token to Lizzy's popularity. Tessa never understood the struggle J went through with the overheating and the 'hollow spooky snake-crab' because she didn't want her to ever find out about it in the first place, she didn't deserve it, she had to protect her, but even so it's easy to grow lonely even with the person meant to be your friend.

"You can't just go without warning and expect me to not do anything. We're business partners now right? We have a common thing to work for, so that's what we will do, but I can't do it if a mute freakish little copper toy like you doesn't use her voice box to speak up what that AI-based circuit board is cooking up in there!" J said in a scolding manner as her eyes narrowed, for anyone they would seem ruthless and distant but Doll knew how to look at closer details and see her sadness.

All she had to do was listen to her voice past the fake filter of anger.

"You're an idiot, a slow minded clueless and primal animal, not even an animal would be as dumb as you are." Doll said as she refused to face J as J's grip tightened on her waist. "Yes because animals leave another when what they achieved is completed or when they realize they can't do it, and as far as I am concerned we didn't find that damned key and you know damn well I am the one in charge of keys." Owing a key means you can open whatever is hidden behind it's lock, but it can also mean you're doing the work of another, and Doll knew that full heartedly, even so, she avoided teasing J about it, she knew it was sensitive, just as J avoided talking about Doll's parents. They never talked about any of these things, they just knew.

Doll finally looked at J and simply proceeded to rest her head on her shoulder as one hand rested on her chest and the other she kept to herself. Doll didn't say anything, she just huffed as J simply warped her wings around her. She knew it was useless. She could never protect her from something she couldn't protect herself from, but that need to provide was still there, it's how she knew how to express best what her tongue never allowed her to. Doll knew that, that's why she'd allow her do these silly acts, because 'love' wasn't a word, and because if J was ever to say it she would know that she has lost her charm and everything that made her be herself, meaning that Doll couldn't stay with her anymore as to not damage her further.

J let her tail lay limp in Doll's lap, her way of showing that she trusts her, because last time her very own weapon brought to her down fall, and Doll? Well, she would caress her tail softly as she wore an eyepatch in order to hide J from the yellow devil which gave her these powers, and which was responsible for all the unfortunate events in their lives.

"Moron." "Idiot." the two spoke to each other quietly.

Only to hold each other tighter and closer to each other like they could be brought away from one another in the blink of an eye without even realizing, without even feeling it, and that was scarier than seeing the other one just perish. To be strangers is such a cruel fate to every single soul that could get along if they were to meet, and even worse if they already engaged forever, bonding each other to the other, and to rip them apart would mean that what they shared would mix up inside of them and leave the other one with a part forever missing from them and left with the missing part of the other.

Doll continued to gently hold J's stinger while brushing her thumb the pointy deadly tip of it as if it was blunt and unused and not sharp and dangerous.

J continued to hold her as she united her hands and rested them both on Doll's shoulder to keep her closer to herself, their bodies pressed against each other as they would slowly feel that curse of a heat burst within inside, threatening to send them off to hunt, but never with the desire of consuming it, not as long as they were next to each other.

"Idiot." J whispered quietly as she rested her forehead on the side of Doll's head as the Russian drone simply mumbled, sneaking a look at her when J closed her eyes.

When J was asleep, resting, Doll did the most natural thing to do. Something her parents did when they were unable to do in crowded busy days. Kissing her when she was asleep and letting her know how much the beating core in the system allowed love to flow through.

A kiss, and another, and another. Quiet soft heavenly kisses, so soft and gentle they were barely felt meaning J couldn't wake up from them. "My moron." Doll whispered quietly as she rested J's tail around her waist right at her hip to make sure that if she were to wake up and try to leave she would surely wake her up as well while trying to untie the knot at her side that kept her close and in place to her.

The end

[lheautontimoroumenos]

gonna try to keep this quick (sorry i did my best but it's still pretty long), but i feel like people are not aware enough, even in France.

so last week, a 17y old boy was killed in Nanterre (what we call the "banlieue", so in periphery of Paris) by a cop. they made him stop on the side of the road and threatened him violently asking him to open the door. on the video, we can see the cop duo at the driver side window. one of them has his gun drawn to the boy's head. the other one says "shoote le" (shoot him) and the cop with his gun drawn says "jvais te mettre une balle dans la tête" (im gonna put a bullet in your head). the boy whose name is Nahel is logically scared so he speeds away. the cop shoots him in the car, bullet in the thorax and the car hits a wall. Nahel is dead and the video is quickly relayed on twitter to mass outrage.

most left leaning people condemn this and ask for justice, but the media keeps asking them to ask for calm and order (which some do, looking at Roussel) but some don't, which alienates them in the political landscape (the favorite word of the right rn is islamogauchiste aka islamiclefty).

but the right, god the right. first they said Nahel deserved it because he was driving without a license. then it was saying he was a criminal that had already been convicted (the cops leaked a fake criminal record). so not a criminal, but he was an Arab so he would've become one, right? and he should've just obeyed the cops and he would have been ok, that's the behavior of a criminal. I think you get the gist, fascist and fascist adjacent justifications for a cop murdering a boy.

since then, there have been riots in Nanterre and all around France, and the State, Macron (President) and Darmanin (Interior Minister) have sent cops galore. Now, the last time something like this happened was in 2005, when we had less social media and the only pictures and videos we had were from the media (opposed to the riots). Today with Snapchat and Twitter, we can see the pov of the rioters and people are realizing that amidst the anger people feel, they find joy in community, and the vibes in the riots are good and joyful at times (a guy asking another guy to go take a yop for him in the market they're breaking and stealing from comes to mind). They can't say just as easily that they're angry and irrational animal because they see the humanity in the riots (they shouldn't need it but well).

now there is a debate amongst both the rioters and the left who stays mostly outside of it. Are they being useful? breaking and burning the right things? should they go to Paris and take the risk of fighting against cops in streets that they don't know as well as their own? factually, they are mostly burning cars, trash and big companies' shops. But people are choosing to only see the rare schools and libraries being burned downed (who were, for a lot of them already falling down because the State doesn't give money to the periphery). Now, it seems logical to say that burning down your middle school is not going to help against police violence. But it feels like the same people who praise the revolution any chance they get refuse to understand that it comes at a price, with violence and at least a bit of destruction. And the right is using this to discredit the whole movement.

back to fascists. First, the cop "unions" Alliance and UNSA Police published a press release calling the rioters (so mostly Arab and Black people, but also poor white people living in the periphery) "nuisibles" (pest, the word used for animals harming the ecosystem). They wrote that the cops will resist, that they are at war, that they will bring order back. In short they want to kill POC. And they have help. Fascists groups have taken advantage of the situation to walk around blocks during the day and beating up people with bats and at night to illegally arrest rioters before tying them down with zip ties and giving them over to cops. and these people arrested who are sometimes barely older than 18 end up with 18 months of jail for burning trashcans and 10 months for stealing a can of Monster (and those are not suspended sentences).

and while these people end up in jail (thus making it more likely that they will end up with shitty jobs and shitty pensions), Jean Messiha (far-right guy) created a gofundme for the cop and his family that has already gathered more than 1.5 million euros. A cop kills a child and wins the million.

so is it violent? yes of course it couldn't be otherwise. but violence is sometimes necessary, especially when you have to fight back against cops, their fascist friends and the State that allows them to keep existing. The rioters deserve full support, even if the criticism of some of their actions should exist. The danger is for this criticism to overcome our support. It shouldn't. Because if they are alone like they were in 2005, the right and the far-right will take advantage of the situation. Last time Sarkozy was elected and the risk is greater this time, with Les Républicains (the republicans) being basically dead and leaving their spot to Marine Le Pen's fascist party Rassemblement National (national gathering).

so if you're french, don't let the people around you talk shit about the situation. and if you're not, be careful still, fascism is rising and they're not as scared as they were 20 years ago.

[neotrances]

A while ago when season 3 of “You” on Netflix was either about to premiere or already premiered, Tik Tok was freaking out (losing it, even!) claiming that shows like “You” are going to cause more women to get brutally murdered and give men a ‘how-to’ guild on how to stalk and abuse women. People do not have a comfortable or grounded relationship with media or tv shows that don’t serenade you morality on a ukulele.

well. ok hold on a second i only watched season 1 of you and while i dint think the show would like immediately embolden a bunch of guys to copy the mcs behavior i think it’s not irrational to have the worry that a show from the pov of a stalker / murderer who genuinely thinks he’s in the right will cause guys with similar thinking to behave a certain way, this is obviously very very case by case and my statement was more so about anime in general rather than live action things but also obviously media from povs of bad ppl aren’t always a signal that those ppl r in the right / the story is showing them positively (bc you doesn’t do that much) but you is a special case bc they humanize the mc and make him witty and “charming” ur supposed to root for him etc i could probably talk about this in detail some other time but i think it’s true that ppl need to be able to watch stuff that doesn’t like sing a song at them telling them good from bad but something like you in my opinion was handled pretty poorly

[sagabrielle]

I think what a lot of people arent understanding is that this episode was from Crosshair's POV. It doesn't matter if logically the batch couldn't have saved him—it is solely about how Crosshair emotionally feels about it. It is irrational, but ultimately, Crosshair is a human, and from his standpoint he WAS abandon. His brothers, who he clearly would do anything to protect (including going against their wishes, if just to keep them alive), left him. And they didn't try to get him. Even if it makes sense to us, the viewers, why they didn't, to him he is incredibly upset at being left behind by his family.

On top of that, as a clone, Crosshair has an innate need to be useful. To be fighting for something. At the moment, that is the Empire. He hasn't been presented with the options the batch have. He was stuck under Rampart, who has a direct connection to Admiral fucking Tarkin. He has no other way to vent his biological need to fight and serve, because in a demented way, that is what the clones were built for. It is literally all he knows.

This makes perfect sense in humanizing Crosshair. He is willing to cross lines in order to keep the batch all alive, he is willing to take orders to stay useful, because being useless directly goes against his biology. He knows full well how ruthless the Empire is because he has seen it from the inside. And to him, working with the Empire is better then them hunting the batch down and killing them. Because the for the same reason the batch didn't grab him, the Empire could fucking demolish them.

Crosshair is self-righteous, and misguided, but there are intentions behind it that are vital to his character. He has made many mistakes, and we will probably see him pay for them, but this episode was the perfect explaination for his behavior. Crosshair is scared of the Empire and what they could do to his family, so working from within is the most covert option he was presented with. And being mad at his brothers for packing up the van and driving off without him makes sense. If he wasn't mad it wouldn't make sense, implying that he was fine without them, that he had no meaningful connection to them.

He missed his brothers, he is scared of what the Empire could do to them. Rock and a hard place. Crosshair's points are contradictory at moment because he is at a loss. Either go with his family, who he wants to be with, and have the Empire hunt them and be on the run forever. Or, try desperatly to get his brothers to join him in the Empire because that is the safest option. He is conflicted, and really, it makes sense.

[feysandandnyx]

No one really thinks that Nesta should be Feyre's mother. Arguing this is sidetracked, although it is something Nesta Stans loves to do to justify it. Feyre decided to hunt because she was stuck with a promise made to her selfish mother and because it is part of her characterization to be concerned about her family. If Feyre didn't go hunting, the Archeron family would simply have died. My issue with this is the negligent treatment that Feyre receives while his older sister offended her and fed on what Feyre ventured to hunt. What is revolting is how they (perhaps with the exception of Elain buying paint for her) demonstrated that they did not care what happened to her. In the end, Feyre became the mother and father of the character that you want to justify at all costs with the excuse that she is misunderstood.

No. Nesta is perfectly understood by the majority of those who read it. So far she was a bitch who exploited her sister and was abusive to her. Even though Feyre taught her to use a bow, she still sat around waiting for Feyre to do things for her. Just switch from Feyre to Elain to understand that Nesta's characterization would push her to take over Feyre's place as provider of the family. So the problem is not her mother or father, but the irrational (selfish and horrible) hatred she feels for Feyre. Nesta's justifications for why she was so cruel to Feyre are just horrible. When she says that she spent Feyre's money because she knew that Feyre would get more, she simply ignores the fact that it would be necessary (every time) for Feyre to risk his life to GET MORE. She could barely stand Elain under threat of any kind, but she never hesitated to push Feyre into danger. She does this in acosf, by the way, before finding out that Feyre was pregnant (afterwards you don't understand why Rhys couldn't stand it). Another terrible justification was because she did not teach Feyre how to read.

First, it shows that what Feyre needed was never her priority. Second, have you lived with your sister for 10 years since you became poor and you never realized that she still had difficulties with reading? Soon you like to read so much. Come on, you really weren't obliged to teach something that your father could have done, but you should have at least realized that Feyre's education was not complete. You still have the courage to think that she should have contact about it, when she was always right in front of all of you. After all, it is really too much for me to see this character upset because there is no picture on Feyre's wall or resentful because Feyre calls the IC her family as if the Archeron family was nothing. LOL. How dare you demand something from Feyre, Nesta?

Yes, I know that acosf exists to try to make Nesta a better person. It's not just about healing (don't blame mental illness for this character's junk behavior with anyone other than Elain, who she still has the courage to call a loyal dog).

Nesta one has to learn how to behave as a person who understands what it means to respect others and I suspect that it is this part that upsets you. Perhaps it is easier to blame the IC, claiming that she needed to be one of them to be accepted, when in fact the character just needed to learn the minino of how to treat people with respect. The best part of acosf for me is that now I will no longer have to put up with his pov or read about his selfish and toxic behavior again.

[lunar-girl-fic]

Stuck~ Part 3

Warning: None (If there’s any I would greatly appreciate it if someone told me :))

Y/N POV

Word Count: 1199

A/N: In no way am I condoning nor am I glorifying the behavior displayed in this story. It is purely fiction and I based this on experiences from my personal life and others I know. With that being said, if you are in a relationship with someone who does something to you without your consent and they put the blame on you I would advise you to reconsider your relationship with that person. In general it’s not really a healthy relationship and it may worsen. I’m not trying to tell anyone what to do I’m just giving honest advice I wish I heard when I was younger.

A/N: I’m so sorry for the late update. I haven’t written in a while and getting my brain to switch back into writing took a little time. I think there should be one last part to this and most likely be a little longer than the others. I’ll try to start writing it starting tomorrow or at least until my air condition is fixed. Again I’m sooo sorry for keeping you all waiting :(

"Y/N noona would you like to go on a date with me?"

Were the words that played through your head as you were getting ready for your date. Date? Yes, you agreed to go out with Changkyun. Even though at first you felt like you were betraying Wonho you quickly remembered he already moved on so what was the harm in you doing the same.

You decided to wear a hoodie and jeans since you guys weren't going anywhere fancy. You also didn't want to attract the attention of certain people who make it their life's work to know every single thing about an idol.

Glancing at the time you realized it was time to make your way to the location. You told Changkyun not to pick you up just in case sasaengs’ or dispatch were following him and you certainly did not want them knowing where you lived. The place wasn't too far so you opted to walk there to blend in with the crowd that would be in the area of your date. The restaurant Changkyun chose was small but also provided private dining areas for families or the occasional idol who wanted privacy while dining.

It didn't take long for you to get there. By the time you arrived Changkyun was already in the room so all you had to do was have the waiter escort you to the room. When you walked in he immediately raised his head to see who entered and he smiled widely.

"Noona! You came." He said as he grasped your hand to guide you to the seat in front of him.

"Of course I came, I did say I would? And please don't call me noona, makes me feel old." You joked.

"Sorry bout that noo- Y/N"

"It's fine Kyunnie"

There was an awkward silence. Before you broke up with Wonho you used to hang out at the dorms a lot. One would think that with the amount of time you were at the dorms having a conversation with Changkyun would be easy at this moment. The problem was that every time you went to the dorm Chankgyun would only greet you and say nothing else. Which is why you are having a hard time thinking of a topic to talk about since you knew absolutely nothing about him.

"So umm how's everything going?"

"I guess everything's going well. Comeback just finished so were able to finally get a breather."

"Oh yeah, you told me about that the other day at the shop. How was it?"

"Eh it was okay. Not gonna lie it was quite possibly the most strenuous dance we had to do. Even Shownu hyungs back started to hurt again because of it."

Your eyes widened in shock, "Is he okay!?"

"He's doing much better now with therapy and all. Doctor said he should be able to continue dancing within a week or two."

"That's good."

"Yea..."

Cue the awkward silence except this time you knew Changkyun wanted to ask you something but was hesitating for some reason.

"Soo is there anything you wanna ask?"

"Kind of but I'm not sure if it's appropriate to ask..."

"Well... we won't know unless you ask."

He took a deep breath, "Okay so I really hope you won't take offense to this but why did you just up an leave Wonho hyung?"

You were a little shocked by his forwardness but quickly regained your composure. "I left because he was being selfish."

"Really?"

"Yea... did he tell you something different?"

"Well-uh-he-I" He started stuttering while playing with his hands.

You gently grabbed his hands, "Changkyun, if you don't want to tell me that's okay. But I promise I won't get mad at you."

"Pinky swear?"

"Pinky swear." You said as you intertwined your pinkies.

Changkyun let out a deep breath "He said that you left because you were being selfish."

"Selfish how?"

"You didn't want to have any babies with him and wasted his time. That you could've told him at the beginning of the relationship before things became serious. How whenever he mentioned wanting to start a family with you, you never mentioned that you didn't want to have any kids. He pretty much put the blame all on you."

You sat there soaking in everything he just said. Although you promised not to get mad you couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of anger. How dare he blame? Especially after what he did? You were so wrapped up in your thoughts that you didn't realize your anger was starting to show in your body language.

"Uh Y/N? Are you angry? Aw man I knew I shouldn't have said anything. I know I just ruined our date for sure." He whined.

You were snapped back into reality, "Kyunnie I'm not angry at you."

"You aren't?"

"Nope."

"But are you angry in general..."

You scoffed, "Oh absolutely. I am beyond pissed. If I was a cartoon I wuld probably have smoke coming out of my ears."

"... So your that mad huh?"

"Yepp"

"Does that mean our date is over?"

"I wouldn't say it's colmpletely over, we can still continue our date today just right after a little intermission."

He looked at you dumbfounded, "I may not go on dates often but I'm pretty sure intermissions aren't normal."

"Since when did any of you do "normal" things"

He took time to think "Mmm you right... So what were planning on doing?"

“Going to the dorms to confront him."

Changkyun looked at you like you grew two heads "You're gonna do what now?!"

"I'm going to the dorms to talk to him."

"Yo- you can't do that!”

"And why not?"

"Be-because..."

"Because what?"

"Well... because... you just can't. And I'm pretty sure he didn't mean what he said."

"And exactly how did you come to that conclusion."

"When he said that he was sad and angry. He wasn't thinking right."

"Angry or not he shouldn't have said those things. But for now I'll take in what you said and listen to his side of the story before making any irrational decision."

There was a brief silence before Changkyun broke it. "So I'm guessing our dates over."

"Unfortunately for now it is but I promise to make it up to you. I really wanna get to know you more." You said with a shy smile. Truth is you actually did want to get to know him better. He seemed like such a sweet guy who is obviously different than Wonho and it was welcomed change for a relationship.

"Really?" He asked hopefully.

"Of course."

Changkyun called the waiter and payed for the drinks. He then called his manager and explained the situation which he surprisingly agreed to give you a ride to the dorms. It didn't take long for him to arrive since he was waiting in the parking lot.

Once you got settled in the vehicle you started thinking about how to confront Wonho. Your stomach started to hurt due to the anxiety you were feeling. You should've thought this through before you made any decisions but it's now or never ...

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the photo’s of gifs used. I got them off of google and tumblr.

[sevsnapeposts]

Snapetober Day 2: "You have to let go".

hello everyone. this one was a hard prompt but i managed, and it hurts a little. poor Sev has a lot to carry, huh? so yes, this is from his POV. again, you can read it over in ao3 if you'd like, and also if you'd be kind enough, go give me some kudos over there. thanks, hope you enjoy~.

Day 2 - "You have to let go".

--

"I'm very disappointed, Prue".

It wasn’t easy to say those words. Severus knew well what it was like to hear those words, what it was like to feel like a failure, to feel like he had failed others, but he knew that this was the best way to reprimand her, to let her know that what she wanted to do was wrong.

"Isn't my current state enough of a warning that you shouldn't get involved in such things?", he continued. He was standing on one side of the desk, his arms folded, his expression serious and cold; meanwhile, Prue avoided looking at him, also with her arms crossed and a frown. The fact that she wouln’t look at him made him more upset. “Can't you see where I'm in because of my stupidity? I thought you’d know better than this”.

Prue was still quiet, very interested in the cobblestone of his office. Severus couldn't blame her immature behavior; after all, she was only 16 years old, and the fact that he, of all people, was the one who spoke such harsh words to her must have made her very defensive.

The man sighed, flopping into his chair. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the impending headache without potions or spells.

"I can't take care of everything, Prue. I have to look after Draco, and also tend to Dumbledore, and don't forget Potter, plus myself all the bloody time because Voldemort is getting more and more impatient”, he told her in a whisper. He was about to add something else to show her that he trusted her, but his choice of words proved to be the wrong one as Prue bolted to her feet, turbulent green eyes, a sea of emotions behind them.

"Do not worry for me, professor", she blurted out, in that shaky voice that always came out when she was upset. “I know how to take care of myself. I will not waste any more of your time with a burden like me”.

And with that she hurried out of the office. Severus sighed again, knowing it was useless to go after her and try to reason when those eyes filled with tears and the girl drowned in her own isolation.

Still, that didn't stop him from feeling bad. It wasn't his intention to make her cry, much less make her feel unwanted or that he saw her as another dead weight to carry. He simply wanted to show her that holding grudges only poisoned one’s soul, that excessive pride would only harm her, that the Dark Arts were unpredictable and extremely dangerous especially when some used them as an emotional outlet. He knew about that, more than he liked to admit.

Severus could understand that Prue hated her parents and was offended at the fact that they were now looking for her nonstop due to finally noticing the incredible witch she was. He could understand that she wanted nothing to do with them, that she loathed the very idea of looking at her mother. He would allow her to stay with him for the rest of her life if she wanted to (romantically or not), once things settled down, as long as she didn't go back to her hell-turned-heaven home attempt.

But what he would never allow was for Prue to go tangle herself among the Dark Arts, looking for something to get her payback for the suffering they had put her through. She was obsessive, it was in her nature to be so, and Severus knew very well that once the first curse was cast, once the Dark power was discovered, she wouldn’t return.

Nevertheless…

He was being a hypocrite, right? Telling her all those things about resentment and envy, treating her as if he were a saint, as if he had gotten over his own demons.

He would never really act upon it, because he was far above those caveman impulses, but Severus didn’t deny his dark thirst for revenge and was aware that no matter how long it had been since then, deep down he wanted to return every little thing they did to him.

To Voldemort, for killing the woman he loved the most.

To Dumbledore, for putting him in the situation he put him in, taking advantage of his pain and regret.

To Lucius, for inviting him to his cult of idiotic and intolerant cretins when he knew that he himself was an idiot and a cretin in a desperate search to belong to something, to be someone.

To James Potter and Sirius Black, for everything they did to him, for making his life more miserable than it already was.

To his father, for every humiliation, every tear, every blow. Not only for those that had left marks on his skin, not only for those that had left marks on his memory, but also for those that had adorned the body of his mother.

And in those moments when he was drowning in his misery, Severus also wanted to blame Lily, and her mother, and Prue, for how unfair life was. For everything bad that happened or had happened to him. He straightened up and buried his face in his hands, his head pulsing hard, the urge to do something stupid and irrational and potentially dangerous almost overwhelming his firm discipline.

Emotions were strong, especially the negative ones. As powerful as the Dark Arts themselves, capable of destroying everything in their path, leaving nothing but pain and destruction where before had been love, friendship, kindness.

Wrath, hatred, loneliness, envy. Severus felt them strongly, being transported from his heart to the tip of his fingers, urging him to pick up the wand and de-stress with some of his old student, teenager habits.

"Let go", he growled to himself, like a warning, like an anchor. There was no one else in there to tell him so, but he had him, as little as that seemed at the moment. He squeezed the wand, which he had taken almost without realizing it. “You have to let go”.

Grudges were strong, but he was stronger. He had learned to be. He knew that many were his mistakes and his alone.

It wasn’t Lily's fault that she had ended her friendship.

It wasn’t her mother's fault that she had been terrified and made bad decisions out of fear.

It wasn’t Prue's fault that she misunderstood him. She was a girl, just a girl who had always been displaced and put last. If anyone was to blame for making her cry it wasn’t her and her insecurities and her overthinking, but him, for not being careful. He had told her not to repeat his mistakes and yet he found himself repeating them.

He had already broken Lily's heart by calling her a Mudblood. Did he, too, have to break Prue's, making her feel that she was a burden to carry, to understand how to choose his words better?

Another sigh, and Severus finally put the wand back in one of his robes’ pockets. He wiped away a hot, angry tear that had trickled down his cheek when he least expected it. The headache was still there, more intense than before, but much less than what it could have become.

He managed to avoid catastrophe, and he would soon drink something for the bloody malaise he felt. It was still too early to go after Prue, but he knew that when she came to her senses, as much as he did, he would be able to explain things to her and steer her away from her misdeeds. If necessary, he himself would set the example, and make his peace with everyone who had ever hurt him, for her.

[springatito-moved]

i wonder if quackity succeeds at his manipulation because he genuinely believes what hes saying? its rly difficult to see quackitys intentions bc we lack his pov but as ive mentioned before, his methods change depending on how hes feeling. which sort of implies that he believes what he says to some degree. im gonna emphasize "to some degree" here, because hes not like... completely un-self aware. i think he does know that this might/will have negative effects on the other people involved in las nevadas. ykwim?

i will say tho, its easier to convince someone of something you believe than something you dont (ask anyone whos been in debate club if you dont believe me)

- duck facts anon

mhm! he fully believes everything he's saying, even the contradictory stuff. It all stems from his spiral & his breakdowns & his fear. He doesn't wake up saying "I'm gonna lie and manipulate all these people for fun and games." He has a 3 am panic attack and then goes and vents his misplaced anger and frustration to people who can't help him the way he needs. It gives him the perfect manipulative high-ground without even trying for it.

How he said "sam, tommys death wasnt your fault" bc at the time, he had no reason to blame sam. dream had killed tommy and no one knew why tommy was locked in prison. but then sam stops quackity from killing dream the first time and he gets angry and irrational and lashes out. hes suddenly starts blaming sam. not bc he WANTS to hurt sam, but because something changed suddenly and he can't process the fact that he was stopped from doing something he wanted. his mind started connecting reasons why sam would stop him. maybe it was cause sam had a part in it, maybe it was a million other things. but he was angry and not thinking clearly and just went with what his mind told him.

With people like purpled and fundy (? still unclear on all of that but we'll assume its prophectic dreams) he was telling them to not be forgotten, that they were worthless. sitting around doing nothing all day, not contributing to anything. this is a belief he's held for a WHILE actually, which can be seen in the way he runs around doing things 24/7, from being VP to building El Rapids to forming the butcher army. He believes in planting roots and creating legacies. He sees two people, one who does nothing and another who tried to do something but was left in the dust, and brings them the offer of being part of his own legacy. If he has one, and they're at his side, they're assured to have one as well.

Foolish's situation is similar, but instead of legacies it's the idea of being alone. Quackity is detrimentally dependent on others. He cannot be left alone, he starts freaking out and getting desperate and panicky. This comes from the fact that he's hardly been alone, but especially him having two fiances + george to seek out and be around when he needs them and he's purposefully avoiding all three of them. He's searching for new support systems who WON'T leave him. So he tells Foolish that his summer home is worthless because there's no one there. That he's alone and weak and vulnerable. If he goes to Nevadas, if he is around Quackity, then he won't be alone! But... which "he" is the real subject here?

All in all, he's just terrified of being abandoned and forgotten so he's scrambling tirelessly to find people to be around, even taking in that weird human-shaped slime that was hiding in the kitchen. ANYONE will do. As long as he can buy their loyalty. As long as he can buy their attention. It'll all be okay.

And for the record, Wilbur will either recognize this behavior as bad and try and stop it, or... he'll only promote it more by being someone Quackity won't feel he has to buy. So that will certainly be interesting.

[bigskydreaming]

About all the stuff you were talking about, do you know any fics that handle those things well? It is exhausting trying to go through the Dick Grayson tag to try and find ones that handle even one of those remotely well so any you can tell me would be wonderful.

I use my Bookmarks page as a go-to for people looking for that sorta thing. I haven’t added to it in awhlie which is like, a useful reminder for myself to rectify that.

I’m not sure off the top of my head what fics on there address these particular areas of canon or fanon issues, but they’re in there, and I don’t bookmark anything I wouldn’t reread since that’s....the only reason I bookmark stuff lol. Aka nothing that contains elements or fanon tropes/issues that would’ve pulled me out of the read on the first go-through.

Specific authors who I consistently like for their takes on all of that, hmmm....off the top of my head, @dustorange only deals in Quality Stuff and her Hierarchy of Needs for Dick’s characterization has similar enough rankings to my own personal one, that I’m always like, yes, this hit all the beats I was hoping for from this summary, I am full, I could not eat another bite. But maybe a dessert course later. I guess. If you insist.

In terms of specific takes and tropes I’ve been talking about tonight, @themessofthecentury has a fic that delves into all the Spyral aftermath in a really satisfying way. Y’ever been like, ugh can someone please write a lengthy beast of a multi-chapter that takes all of that and says ‘Lo, there is Gold in these hills” and has a range of POVs but that all consistently prioritize and center Dick in the areas and matters he should be the one prioritized? That’s the one, that’s Fault Lines, its a WIP but its alive and kicking and very much what you’re looking for to read something actually catharctic after the way all of that was handled in canon and most related fics.

Umm, lessee.... @hood-ex is all about Top Notch Tropes, especially for great scenes where Dick’s with a wide range of characters, and its like, casual slice-of-life stuff, but delivered in a way that Just Says No to fanon and even when writing Dick as light-hearted and having a good day, its like...actually in character for him and he’s not Dick Grayson, The Balloon Animal That Walks Like A Man (but is actually 70% sugary cereal). You gotta follow her on tumblr though to get all the fics, cuz she’s like me in that she writes a lot of done-in-one scenes that never get moved over to Ao3 because eh, we’ll do it tomorrow but also we’ll forget about it by tonight so no actually we won’t. And thus there’s a lot of hidden gems to be found there.

@ckbookish writes a lot of stuff set in the early Nightwing days when Jason was Robin, and from what I’ve read there’s a lot of focus on Dick and Jason bonding and also exploration of Dick’s thoughts and reactions to Bruce’s “Bruce NO” behavior of that era that’s very much in character and IMO hits all the right notes in the complicated arrangement of allowing Dick his Feels there and placing the appropriate blame where appropriate but without demonizing Bruce and over-embellishing the more than enough to work with fuck-ups canon helpfully provided for that era. 

In fact, in general I’m inclined to say the author sticks as closely to canon as possible while just....making it better by just adding the little ingredient that is ‘Actual Exploration of Dick’s Feelings and Choices As Viewed Through Empathy-Colored Glasses By Someone Who I Feel Actually HAS Met or Been A Teenager At Some Point in Their Life and Thus Is Aware They’re Not Actually Unreasonable Wild Animals Whose Behavior Even When Rational Is Actually Irrational Cuz Hormones Yeah I Know I Was Surprised Too’. So I’d say their work consistenly delivers the story and emotional beats I look for from Bruce, Dick and Jason in that era, actually humanizing all three of them without going overboard with adding flaws all willy-nilly just cuz.

The only reason its not on my bookmarks page is cuz unfortunately, the sticking close to canon means Dick joining the Bludhaven police force to try and clean it up from the inside, and like.....not a criticism or condemnation of the execution of that premise at all, like, Dick’s clear in his reasons and from what I read goes about it in a way that actually fits if Dick had criticisms of the institution as a whole and an earnest belief he can effect change to it from the inside, its just like, purely as a personal subjectivity thing, Dick Grayson and Being a Cop is like my ultimate NOTP, I see it and I reflexively hiss like a vampire who forgot the sun was a thing. Its just not for me in any execution, but if that’s not true for you then its got everything else I’d look for in fic and thus while I can’t vouch for his characterization or the dynamics in later stories, like, I’m pretty sure you’d still be in Primo Characterization territory. 

There’s stuff on my bookmarks page from an author named discowing(amelia from a fairytale) - something like that. I can’t recall their tumblr off the top of my head but I know she says it somewhere in some of her author’s notes. Anyway, her stuff runs the gamut but consistently delivers on moments I really wish we could see in canon, so def worth a read. And I know her views on the Spyral aftermath and what’s needed for actual catharsis there are right in my wheelhouse, just in general, so if that’s the barometer you’re going by, then like.....idk whatever a barometer says or does when it gets the readings its supposed to, look its late, that’s the metaphor I’m going with, just pretend it was solid.

Those are just some of the authors where I’m familiar with more than one of their works off the top of my head and tend to like their focus and narrative/character choices across the board. I don’t know the full extent of work of every author linked on my Bookmarks page, like a lot of people write a lot of fic in a lot of fandom and I see a long list of fandoms and fics all organized by date posted so its more like one DC fic per page, and my ADHD self is like hahaha what if it was naptime tho zzzz.

But yeah, that’s not nearly enough to sate my greed and want for Good Dick Grayson Takes but it should get you started. There’s some good stuff out there, that’s never been in question, its just that like you said, it can be exhausting trying to wade through fics that you can’t tell at a glance if they’d be to your liking or not because the tags are all complimentary of Dick but two chapters in you’re like wait is this the other kids’ brother or is this their nanny, I feel like I’m reading about what if Fran Drescher wore tights and fought crime with flippity-flips. Which I mean, that’s a Premise right there, alright, its just not remotely the premise I look for out of fic where I have the weird expectation that Dick should be treated and regarded more like equal family to his siblings than like, okay what if he was actually just an au pair that was mostly hired to be eye candy.

[fluffyferalkacchan]

Kacchan & Deku: Win to Save and Save to Win - A circular path of parallels (part 1)

Okay so it had probably already been talked to death by now, but i'd like to write a detailed list of how Midoriya and Bakugou's respective paths are and had always been paralleled since the beginning. And it's not just with the whole "save to win and win to save" thing, which is the most obvious textual part of it, but there are a lot of more subtle hints along the way too. I mean in nearly every single arcs, for each of Midoriya development, Bakugou had one too (albeit in a completely opposite direction).

This post is also partly in response to some anime-only fans who complained about Bakugou's development in the Joint Training Arc coming from the left field... Which actually isn't? Like Kirishima said it had never been as obvious before but there were definite hints about it and I'll try to show them as thoroughly as possible in this post.

Warning ! This post will be quite long and will contain Manga Spoilers up to chapter 317 in part 3!

¤ From the Pre-UA era To Deku vs Kacchan: their starting lines

(more under the cut)

When I said that the parallel started early, I really meant early. In fact, it started as early as the very first panel they were in.

I think it is very telling that the first time we saw them, Midoriya is trying to defend another kid, while Bakugou is seen using his quirk (and actually introducing the reader/viewer to the whole concept of quirk in the first place). It tells us right here, right then on the very first second, that Midoriya Izuku is physically weak but a savior at heart and Bakugou Katsuki has a strong quirk but is a bully asserting his dominance.

This of course led to diametrical beliefs on what a hero is and should be and we've got those two very iconic moments to illustrate:

And of course it reflected into their behaviors, even as kids.

What I find really interesting in the way those flashbacks were presented is that Midoriya's saving moment was told through Bakugou's POV, while Bakugou's winning side was seen through Midoriya's eyes.

Those moments were deemed important because they deeply impacted the witnessing party and not actually the "wining/saving" one.

(I think someone commented once that while the river scene was highly pivotal for Bakugou, Midoriya probably doesn't even remember it. And likewise Bakugou probably doesn't remember fighting and winning against some random older kids, but Midoriya definitively does. And I totally agree!)

At those moment both Bakugou and Midoriya saw in the other something that they were clearly lacking and their reactions to this realization were wildly different as well.

"He doesn't take himself into account, you know. Something doesn't feel right. It makes me wanna keep him at arm's length. Back then, I ignored my own weakness, so I ended up bullying him" - Bakugou Katsuki

"You who had so many things I didn't have... To me, you were an amazing person much closer than All Might! That's why I keep chasing after you!!" - Midoriya Izuku

Midoriya saw this amazing kid kicking ass with his strong quirks and his first reaction was admiration and wanting to get as close as possible to this person, because he was all too aware of his own weakness and shortcoming.

Bakugou saw this selfless kid trying to help him and displaying qualities that he didn't have and his first reaction was to lash out and push that kid as far away as possible because he didn't want to recognize his own weaknesses and shortcomings.

Which, you know, probably describes their entire childhood dynamics haha...

... and then the sludge villain happened.

And it brought with it the iconic "My legs moved on their own" and "Your eyes were begging for help" moments which we all know about of course, but this scene also had another more immediate parallel that I'd like to talk about.

Bakugou tried to fight the sludge villain on his own but ultimately failed to win.

Midoriya tried to rescue Bakugou on his own from the sludge villain but ultimately failed to save him.

The sludge villain was a reality check for both of them, in a "Nope kiddos, you might aspire to be heroes, but you still have a very long way to go. Here let's insert an All Might to show you just how far away your goal is," kind of way?

Anyway fast-forward 10 months of intense training to prepare for the UA entrance exam.... and really do I even have to mention this?

I mean the only way it could have been even more textually obvious is if Midoriya had been ranked sixth instead of seventh so that his name would be right next to Bakugou's... like there's even this panel explicitly pointing everything out.

So yeah... nothing to add there, *shrugs*

After that came the Quirk Assessment Test:

I'm going to come back to this later on in a more detailed way, but regarding their personal development; Midoriya's development is external while Bakugou's is internal. And I don't quite consider the quirk assessment test as "progress" for any of them yet because both of them sort of completely miss the point.

Aizawa told Midoriya "How can you save anyone if you can't move after one hit?" which had the underlying message of "It's not okay to hurt yourself"... But Midoriya totally went like, "Okay then I'll just hurt myself in a way in which I can still move afterward!" So yeah he is just sidestepping the problem here, but well there probably wasn't anything else he could do here.

As for Bakugou, he had always feel threatened by Midoriya's presence, but not in a fighting skills context. They are not really competing on the same field and it had never occurred to Bakugou that Midoriya could really beat him in a one-to-one fight.

As hilarious as the thought of Bakugou truly believing that somehow Deku had managed to take head on building-high robots quirkless is, I think what really happened is... Bakugou saw his own 0 rescue points and thought "Oh... so that's how Deku got in. Damn nerd probably went and save shitty extras left and right!". Which is a more realistic feat to manage quirkless. Anyway my point is, Bakugou realizing Midoriya isn't quirkless should have been a "Shit! He's leveling the field and standing on my playground now!" moment...

But no, what overpowered him here is the thought that the whole time Midoriya had been hiding his quirk from him and went like "What? Am I not good enough for you to use your quirk on me?! STOP LOOKING DOWN ON ME!!! EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT THE FUCK NOW, SHITTY DEKU!!"

So yeah... kind of missing the point too.

Which is why the quirk assessment test wasn't really their starting point but more like them trying to look for it but missing it?

Speaking of starting lines... Let's move on to the Deku vs. Kacchan first round.

B"From watching the match, it appears Bakugou acted n to surpass Bakugou, All Might pointed that those were the first passionate emotions Midoriya had shown other than "I want to be a hero!". This was the very first moment where Midoriya's desire to win was stronger than his desire to save.

As for Bakugou, this was the moment where he truly he realized that Deku is a threat and not just through his natural heroic/saving disposition like before but on the battlefield which used to be 100% Bakugou's area of expertise. And if even with his non-existent control of quirk Deku had managed to win to such extent, what would happen when Deku managed to truly master his own quirk? Total defeat?! Bakugou is self-aware enough to realize that while his own fighting skills and quirk mastery could still progress, they were already near the top with a not wide enough margin for improvement.

This was the moment where Bakugou realized where he truly stood compared to everyone else around him and that if he wanted to reach the very top again, then only relying on his fighting skills and his quirk control would never be enough. This is what prompted out his feelings of "I have to change or I'll be left in the dust".

And since Deku went and encroached on Bakugou's playground and beat him in the process, there's no way in hell Mr Complete and Irrefutable Win over there wouldn't aim to do exactly the same at some point.

Anyway the two gifs above showed us their motivation to reach their respective Win/Save side of the spectrum, but they both have big issues they need to work on in order to do so.

"From watching the match, it appears Bakugou-san acted on his own because of an obviously personal grudge. As as All Might-sensei said previously, it is foolish to launch a large-scale attack indoors.

In the same way, taking into consideration the damage he received, Midoriya-san's plan was also rash." - Yaoyorozu Momo

Yaoyorozu's analysis was super spot on and hit straight where their weaknesses lie: Bakugou needs to stop acting on his own and learn to cooperate with/trust his teammates and Midoriya needs to stop hurting himself/self-sacrifice and learn to properly control his quirk.

Both of them also have these super heavy shackles that keep pulling them down and impeding their progress at every turn:

Bakugou's complex feelings and emotionally explosive baggage towards Midoriya that makes him go feral and irrational at the drop of a hat and clearly prevents him from properly considering Midoriya as the rival that would keep pulling him up

Midoriya's total and utter idolization of All Might that gives him a tendency to imitate his idol and clearly prevents him from properly realizing and unlocking the potential of his own quirk

And at that point, they clearly don't realize how cumbersome those shackles could be if left unaddressed too long.

Anyway... this episode/chapter was called "Bakugou Katsuki: Starting line", but I think it can be considered both their starting lines, because this is when they were made aware of what they are lacking and showed their resolve to change.

Midoriya's progress and development is intrinsically linked to his quirk mastery and fighting style, which are inherently physical skills (which is where Bakugou's excels in). It stands to reason then that his progress would therefore be very flashy, hard to miss, and highly praised due to the external aspect of his development.

On the other hand Bakugou's progress and development hinges on him properly getting in touch with his emotions and connecting to other people in healthy way, which are inherently inner-strength qualities (which Midoriya has no shortage of) . It stands to reason then that his progress would therefore be very subtle, mostly unnoticed, and hardly taken into account due to the internal aspect of his development. (Like it'd probably only takes him having a full meltdown or throwing himself in front of someone else for other people to notice how far he had gone!)

[thessaliah]

Do you think Olga is like Sakura? Sakura could have become a Beast too in HF.

A correction: Sakura wouldn't have become a Beast, Angra Mainyu born and being one with Sakura, would have become a Beast. Maybe! Nasu never spoke of certainty but a possibility. What's the difference? The difference is that when Angra Mainyu supposedly takes over Sakura completely (Femme Fatale) after killing Rin, Shirou doesn't recognize Sakura anymore ("who is this?"), and both Ilya and Rin say that if that happened it was impossible to save Sakura. While in Olga's case, the Beast is called U-Olgamarie. Kotomine wanted to see her birth as he wanted to witness Angra's. So Olga's already passed the point of no return Sakura would have gotten, on top of being the name of the Beast. Cut for length. TW: mention of sexual abuse.

  I think Olga's case is closer to Angra Mainyu's (the boy sacrificed) than she is like Sakura. Only because she's female people compare them, TBH. I think "Olga is like Sakura" is on the loosest terms of a typical irrational female character corruption plot. That's because is the "HF" counterpart to "Fate/UBW" (part 1).  But Nasu never actually compared Olga with Sakura or any of his usual "dark heroines" (Kohaku, Fujino). He compared her to Touko and Sola, in fact, her design was supposed to originally resemble Touko (and her original VA was Sola's, she couldn't continue to voice her because she was pregnant when the anime was recorded) to make this even clearer.

  If you think about the three (Fujino, Kohaku, and Sakura) there is a present theme of sexual abuse, rape, and an extremely messed up background. At best what we saw in Olga's background (speaking only from the manga) is that her father was emotionally distant and maybe neglectful (but, IMO, Marisbury acted that way to everyone, so one has to wonder what kind of upbringing he had). If he had tortured her or experimented on her, Olga wouldn't have been so shocked when she learned about Mash. So my initial guess there was some experimentation, doesn't seem to be the case? At least that Olga remembered. The other thing in common with those three is that they are teenagers, which excuses a lot of their behavior and frames them as sympathetic who need salvation because they are underage. Sakura is like 15 or 16. Olga isn't a teenager, she's in her 20s, she took her choice to become Chaldea leader. Nobody arm-wrestled her to do it when it shows in multiple places they would have rather have Wodime or Lev as director (and Roman, after he becomes director, he's well-loved by the surviving staff too). She's a 20-something woman who owns a great wealth, on top of being a powerful mage with a family crest of an ancient bloodline. She obsessed with not being good enough in some specific areas when she could have ignored that and focused on the things she is no good even if this makes her unhappy. But no, she wanted to do that. Sakura and Kohaku didn't want to stay in those toxic places, they were minors who were trapped by abusive guardians and got nowhere to go (or being able to leave at all with worms driven into yourself). Olga chose to become Chaldea director after her father’s death.

Speaking of FSN, you know which character was obsessed with proving themselves to be a worthy mage/successor even if they weren't good enough and got replaced by someone outside their family? Who is obsessed to be a Master even if they can't be one? Yes, a Matou, not Sakura, but Shinji.  Obviously setting aside Shinji's obviously criminal behavior toward Sakura, he's a lot closer to Olga than Sakura about the source of their unhappiness. Someone who brags and acts proudly but has a crippling sense of self-worth and thinks everyone mocks him behind his back (just like Olga made up some people negative view on her, Shinji did the same with Shirou before he started his asshole behavior), although he could have been happy if he just cut the mage crap when he's talented in every single other area but this. He was also raised in a completely emotional neglectful environment, with a drunk father and being aware his mother was eaten by worms, though he didn't receive sexual abuse (not sure about domestic abuse in this family), like Sakura did, doesn't mean this didn’t affect him. Olga's issues make her much closer to a female Shinji than a Sakura, although she's a better person than Shinji (of COURSE) until the whole black holing everyone. That's just for FSN characters. From a POV of her character issues, she's closer to Shinji (defining the sense of self-worth centered on the very thing they aren’t good as) but I can also see Ilya in her, from her lore role I think she's closer to Angra Mainyu (potential human stripped of humanity to become a concept that embodies an unconscious wish/will imo the “malice of lost history”), but her superficial narrative arc is likely like Dark Sakura (as in the corruption of a girl area). Her personality is Touko without her wits/philosophical side, apparently? 

Up until the Flarous incident, she's more of an architect of her own grief. That's probably why I don't think Guda and Mash saving Olga is a satisfying conclusion. FSN drives to the point you can't save people, they have to save themselves. Even in HF, Shirou wouldn't have saved Sakura if she hadn't regretted it and started to try to self-destruct after striking Rin (in the scenario she doesn't, Sakura isn't saved at all).  Guda and Mash can help Olga by showing they never stopped seeing her as Director, but to me, the emphasis is for Olga to make a choice and save herself (whatever this entailed) rather than wait to be saved as a damsel in distress. The OP song is about her making a decision, the answer she failed to give when Lev asked her in Lostroom, IMO. I'll be pissed if Nasu infantilizes her any further to pander to guys’ white knight syndrome. MB crossover manga again reinforces that while external (Sion’s) support is important, it’s Olga who makes the choice. 

[belle-keys]

Incoherent thoughts about A Court of Silver Flames (2021) by SJM

Do not expect this to be a critical, unbiased review at all. Eet just ease what eet ease. Spoilers ahead laddies. 

*unwanted preface* 

Okay, so like, you know those things that are neither objectively perfect nor unproblematic yet you love them and are attached to them anyway? Yeah, this is me with SJM’s writing. See, I been with Sarah and Throne of Glass since March of 2015 and with ACOTAR since the summer of 2015 when I was 13 and honestly, ACOTAR in particular occupied a decent portion of my formative teen years. Eventually, when I was about 16 I sort of ended up getting distracted from YA books and went into my thot and kpop era. A main reason for this is that I found ACOFAS particularly disenchanting. This ain’t about that book (sigh) but let’s just say as much as I was still attached to and in love with the ACOTAR world, I was still able to get very annoyed by the decreased quality of the writing and also the evident projecting Sarah was doing onto Feyre with regards to her own life and experiences (ahem). No, the lack of developed POC in the book had nothing to do with it ironically. 

So basically, since the spring of 2018 I haven’t read any SJM yet I never fell out of love with the books either. I’ve sworn off TOG after whatever the hell EOS was, but ACOTAR was always more special and close to my heart by tenfold, honestly. See, the best day of my 2016 was the day I found out ACOTAR was getting the extra 3 novels and 2 novellas. ACOFAS was a dumpster fire but I was actually surprised to really, really enjoy A Court of Silver Flames while it obviously has a couple (multiple) sus facets to it. The susness aside, I thoroughly felt at home reading Nesta’s book despite how irrational that might sound. No, I’m not here to say the book was objectively good but I’m here to say I still enjoyed it despite my love-hate relationship with SJM and her writing. :( :( :( 

That being said imma still roast tf out of a couple aspects of it. :)

*the susness*

Aight wbk that SJM like, projects a lot onto feyrhys right. I’m not even gonna deny it. Like as horrible as it sounds, when feyrhys were, like, struggling as a couple and shit in ACOMAF, that’s when I loved them the most but then the shitstorm that was ACOWAR hit and they couldn’t go without boning every two seconds or calling each other mates and shit and basically every character in the book started kissing their asses (except Nesta) to the point where they were infallibly good and powerful and everyone’s heads were lodged up their asses... I got PISSED OFF then, right.

Now, in ACOSF (is that correct?), they were side characters and, gratefully, that romance between them was toned down. But here are some things concerning feyrhys and the Court of Dreams that irked tf out of me, and the implications that they had for Nesta (who is perhaps one of the baddest bitches ever) had me feeling homicidal towards the IC:

Every single time Nesta said shit about Rhys and then Cassian got mad I wanted to SCREAM like yooo let her roast tf out of him like yeah I get Rhys lowkey did a lot for her both directly and indirectly but cmoooooon not everyone needs to be riding his dick like the man HATED Nesta from the get-go. I loved the idea that someone in the book lowkey abhors Rhys just for the TEA it gave me. Like yeah, okay Cassian, I get that he’s your bro but he can SUCK NESTA’S DICK also like my girl is a DEATH GOD.

Here me out: the Inner Circle completely dehumanized Nesta, they completely disregarded her personal autonomy and caged her in which is ironically the very behavior that was villainized when Tamlin did it to Feyre. First of all they restricted her movement, they made decisions FOR her, they withheld from her knowledge about her own powers, they decided what’s best for her and acted like she was a rabid dog the entire time. Only Cassian and Azriel seem more blameless in this regard, but the level of scorn and abohorence and moralizing Feyre, Elain, Rhys, Amren and Mor did towards Nes made my blood boil. At the end of the day, the Inner Circle did the VERY THING they hated being done to Feyre. Whatever happened to the freedom they professed? The autonomy they decided all members of their court deserved? That was all bullshit, or was this switch-up SJM’s way of creating justifiable conflict between Nesta and the Inner Circle... either way, there was no closure about this and the way they dictated Nesta’s behavior whilst completely mistreating her imo.

More on Nesta’s treatment - okay listen the way the narrative had every character acting like Nesta was fricking scum and for WHAT??? Okay, she didn’t hunt when Feyre and they were poor, she was bitchy, she hates the Fae... okay, why is Nesta still being punished for her mistakes like this by the Court? Does their forgiveness only apply to those in their clique? They’re acting like her drinking and sleeping around and her general bitchy behavior is sooooo toxic when they ALL coped with their respective trauma in questionable ways in their centuries of living. And the narrative never condemned them for this behavior either... like cmon they had an “intervention” about Nesta like if she needed to reach a certain moral standing to be lovable or something. Seems to me that only Cassian was willing to love her, bruises and all... “There’s nothing broken to be fixed. You are helping yourself. Healing the parts of you that hurt too much - and perhaps hurt others too”. But as beautiful as that it, it seems the IC see Nesta’s healing as her “redemption arc” when I never saw her as a villain or monster to begin with. They acted like she had to become deserving of their acceptance. Bullshit.

No cus more on this... Cassian is the only person who defended Nesta, the only person that wanted to help her heal and grow when everyone else wanted to fix her. He was the only person who was kind to her from the original trilogy (i.e. not counting Emerie and Gwyn). He stood up for her and I’ll gush about them in the next section, but the dynamic between Nesta and the IC was the least enjoyable aspect of the book for me. It was clear SJM wanted to spur Nesta towards the path to healing yet only figured out how to do so whilst only keeping feyrhys as the nucleus of this arc, and so she had them force Nesta into her “special journey” (because she loves them so much, cus they’re sooooo perfect right *rolls eye*), yet, the narrative didn’t quite condemn them for their toxicity towards Nesta at ALL, even towards the end. The good thing is that Nesta did not become an ass-kisser throughout the story and laud them for “helping her” every waking second. Only Cassian didn’t shun her for her inner negativity but embraced her. And Az was pretty cool too, can’t hate him.

Ahem, the ending: okay, I’m not even capping, but I hated that Nesta lost her power for feyrhys. I get that she genuinely did it out of love and shit and I’m not even gonna lie, the thought of feyrhys dying had me on the verge of tears cus as much as I hate them, I also love those bitches. Yet, the culmination of Nesta’s power was, what?, to save feyrhys. This way, the narrative put Feyre at the center of Nesta’s narrative towards the end. And Nesta lost that Death God power that she basically EARNED in that Cauldron. This is the biggest flaw of the story. She fought against her own power to give it up... for Feyre. Like??? What??? Why was that baby arc even necessary????? Why was Nesta giving up her power necessary to fulfil her healing arc which was the POINT of the book??? Like what?????? It left a sour taste in my mouth. No- an abhorrent acidic bitter taste in my mouth. 

Elain. I CANNOT STAND THIS GIRL. She completely abandoned Nesta and for WHAT??? For Feyre??? This only served to reiterate from the narrative’s POV that Nesta was scum and again, idk WHY. And also, why tf does this girl mistreat Lucien like this??? LUCIEN AKA MY FAVORITE CHARACTER???

I just don’t get how the narrative reiterated that Tamlin is the worst of the worst when you got Rhys hiding shit from Feyre, hiding knowledge of Nesta’s power from Nesta, all of that. Like, was the entire point of ACOMAF not for Feyre to embrace her power and become her best self? Rhys never for one second tolerated withholding Feyre’s power from her. So why tf does this apply to Nesta? Cus she’s unhealthy? Okay... so what??? Why villainize her like this and imply she’s undeserving of her power and a waste of life??? I’M LAUGHING SO HARD RN LIKE WHERE DID THIS EVEN COME FROM??? What did my girl do that was sooooo bad that yall needed to treat her like this. Tell me why feyre and amren and varian and rhys all acted like Tamlin in this book. Cardi voice WHAT WAS THE REASON. I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS CUS THEY ACTED LIKE THE FRICKING MORALISING SYCHOPHANTS THEY CLAIM TO HATE.

Like bitch??? They’re like those youth pastors that reiterate how broken and messed up people with mental illness are? Acted like Nesta screwing guys was the worst thing ever when they should have embraced her? Like I get she would push them away but really??? “Waste of life”??? 

So we gon gloss over how Amren was insisting Nesta shut up about the baby business to Feyre (aka hiding shit from her)? How she was implying that Rhys should conquer all of Prythian? Hear me out, even as someone from a Caribbean country that was colonized by the whites, it actually doesn’t bother me when the theme of conquest comes up, like, this is a fantasy novel and colonization does not exist within the same context for me. That being said, like, it felt as if the narrative telling me lil Rhysie is just sooooo perfect that he needs to be High King. Like, I respect the fact that Rhys has no wish to do so. Homeboy never seemed to care for conquest beyond ensuring his Court’s prowess and safety so WHAT WAS THE REASON AMREN??? Like? What kinda crack was Amren on this entire book???

The worldbuilding... listen, the politics and history felt all over the place, felt incoherent and flat honestly. Didn’t bother me as much as it did in ACOWAR but it was just *meh*, not good. Not horrible, but not great. I preferred the world when it was directly the result of Beauty and the Beat and East of the Sun, West of the Moon.

The Fae have lost their *magic*: no cus what I loved about the first book was that the Fae were one with the Courts and felt very fleshed out in terms of their powers and shit, but now only Eric and Lucien and Tamlin and sometimes Rhys have that same magic for me. Like... the sensuality of the Fae in terms of their actual Celtic roots, that which felt whimsical and immersive in the first book, feels lost to me. I can’t explain it but I feel less nuance and orthodoxy in their portrayal. However, I DID love this one line featuring none other than the loml : “Amid the pink and white blossoms, the cold-faced Autumn Court heir looked truly faerie - as if he’d stepped out of the tree, and his one and only master was the earth itself”. LIKE I SALIVATED THAT IS MY MAN.

*good stuffs*

Okay let’s talk about the smut like I didn’t like the word choice as usual like quit with the euphemisms and say cock and goooooo. That being said like, okay, I like how she set up the physical dynamic between Nesta and Cassian cus the sex wasn’t some big romantic climactic build-up like how it was in acomaf like they were being NASTY from the get-go and I respect that drip. Like she did not cap on how porny the smut was and thank God it wasn’t some cliche romantic honeymoon type shit, like it was almost on the ao3 level of smutty goodness. All it was was missing was coarse language and hard kinks but in general, I liked the Nessian smut in this book more than the feyrhys smut in particularly ACOWAR and ACOFAS, like Nessian just do not cap.

Listen... you see that whole part when Nesta was like imagining how awesome it would be to dance Lucifer’s Bachata with Az and Cassian? Yeah, my girl just let her thoughts run wild. Like Nesta makes Feyre look naïve. Like you know how Tumblr porn in 2016 used to be with the aesthetic type shit? That’s Feyre, but Nesta is like on Pornhub level and it’s so fitting I was YELLIN lowkey. I feel like less importance was placed on how meaningful the sex and shit should be in the book and I respect that.

YOU SEE WHEN NESTA TOLD FEYRE ABOUT THE BABY!!! I WAS CHEERING HER ON. No cause they were being so nasty to Nesta especially Amren and then Feyre entered with all of her moralising shit like honey you KNOW damn well what you’re doing to Nesta is what you hate being done to you. Like damn right tell her, cus I could not STAND the double standard.

The whole training the women thing was a nice touch. It was kinda corny but also sweet. That being said, I laughed so hard when I realized how this entire book was Nesta’s quarter-life hippie rebirth where she learns to meditate and work out and read romance books and face her inner demons like this is some real New York college shit. All that was missing was a Starbucks.

Cassian. Man I love this man so much. No like he displayed peak dilf behavior. I think his attractiveness isn’t based on his bravery or his hotness but his humility man. Like he’s not a thot, he’s respectful, yet tough, yet contemplative. He’s contented with his life station yet wants to always be a better person yet is such a strong rock who really loves Nesta not despite her flaws but because they are part of her. I love the way he stood up to Rhys a lot, he didn’t shame her when she was awful to him, and he is protective (annoyingly so sometimes) but he really wanted her to empower herself. Their relationship isn’t perfect (I’m not in the mood to dissect the problematic aspects rn) but they were so sweet together and I didn’t expect to like them as much as I did back when they were lowkey a thing in ACOMAF.

The mates thing didn’t bother me cus I saw this shit coming since 2016. Yes, it’s cliche and annoying but the mates status also, like, has no meaning to me so it is what it is. Didn’t think they NEEDED to be mates but I was happy that them being mates wasn’t the core of the novel and it was secondary to Nesta’s individual healing journey.

Prepare for me to get sappy but another reason why I loved this novel was because it was a story of healing. :( :( :( The road to healing and growth in the emotional sense is always beautiful to me despite how flawed it often is when SJM writes it. I just felt really immersed in the emotional woes and eventual growth of Nesta despite my issues with the book and this is perhaps one of the main reasons that I found it beautiful, because healing as a theme is always beautiful and raw.

More of Nessian but like their relationship feels so real and raw too. No, cus like, it wasn’t tinged in as much fictitious idealism as feyrhys’ relationship was. They weren’t all stupidly in love and seeing each other in the universe and shit, like they just made each other happy and weren’t portrayed as the perfect soulmates who were each other’s yin and yang and whatever thank the LORD. Them having each other’s back was enough and ughhhh Cassian was just so sweet and such a good trainer and so aloof yet passionate like I been waiting to see more of him since ACOMAF so yayyy.

Okay... that scene where Rhys kneels to Nesta and she embraces him. yes. YES YES YES YES YES that shit was the shit that made my year like I want this man to be in her debt for the end of time like this hoe saved yall like big strong high lord better bow to the “witch” like I could hear angelic choirs at that scene like Rhys doesn’t just yield to people so easily so like, it was just kinda epic okay. Little bitchass Rhys with his perfect little river house and emo boi clothes stfu hoe.

No cus I love how Nesta told Cassian she didn’t wanna hear about Feyre’s special journey or Rhys’s special journey or Mor’s like I got fed up of people acting like they epitomized “good” and the “good path” to self-discovery when they can choke on a baguette as far as I am concerned.

*shit no one except me probs cares about*

Eris. So here is the thing. Since 2015 in ACOTAR when Eris was Under the Mountain being all red-headed and cunning and sexy and evil I have been obsessed with him... well, the idea of him I had in my head and how delectably abhorrent he seems (I like villains and side-characters okay). Maybe it was just his name (Eris is a hot name shut up) or the idea of a rich, cunning fox-faced prince in the same universe appealed to me. Either way, I actually never expected by favorite cameo-character to become... important. I’ll die on the hill of loving him. Here is the thing... I don’t want him to be good, in the same way I did not want Rhys to be a good guy in ACOTAR either. I don’t need him to be a secret angel, I don’t need him to be sweet and good like Rhys always was apparently. Honestly, I want him corrupt but likeable and pertinent to the story. That being said, I really want him as the main character for one of the upcoming novels sooo bad like please PLEASE let me see the autumn court and it’s two-facedness please like if not Eris then Lucien as the main character please.

Lucien... aka my fave character since the first book man. Mannn, SJM does homeboy so dirty like I have always loved Russian fables and hence, I am so ready for Lucien x Vassa x Jurian in the Vasilisa retelling with the firebird trope and Koshei. NO CUS in 2018 I was finna write a 100k word fic about this but then I forgot about it no cap, I still have the story plan in my Onenote actually but let us not reminisce. See, my ao3-loving ass wants an angsty poly relationship and also a hot Koshei I have been waiting YEARS for this you hoes, ever since Elain got the premonition of Vassa as a firebird in ACOWAR like God please please please give it to me and make it feyrhys-less as well yasss.

I lowkey wanna suspect Eris is gay and Mor, also gay, knows and that’s why she lowkey kinda tolerates him now. Yet, I cannot be sure and yeah I just wanna say that I kinda want that arc lmfaooo (my ao3-self is showing shut up).

No cus I was TEASED by only seeing a glimpse of Vassa and Jurian but THEY SHALL HAVE THEIR TIME I KNOW IT.

Tamlin living as a beast is so interesting to me. He’s a side-character now but ughhhh he was so mystical and interesting as our good ole Beauty and the Beast beastie like it’s sooooo mysterious and alluring how he’s becoming his own villainous legend like I still care about Tamlin’s blond ass self despite everything. 

Give us the snowball fight scene you coward.

I just gotta say Nessian could outsmut Feyrhys any day and that makes me proud.

FRICKING AZRIEL like first of all Mor doesn’t NEED to come out until she’s ready but she gotta let the man down nicely some other way so he can move on. I do not like Elain. Never did. I still do not. I do not, frankly, want a whole novel where she and Azriel fall in love and she rejects Lucien like... okay, I DO want her to reject Lucien so he can be with Vassa at the very least but also I am not interested in Elain’s POV rn. BUT I WANT AZ’S POV AND LIKE WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO I WANT MY EMO BOI TO BE HAPPY. This is so frustrating cus Az is a walking DILF right and so, what am I supposed to do now.

I kinda miss the Spring Court just a little. It’s pretty shut up. It got that Zuhair Murad fashion too. 

Umm like, what the hell is up with that business with Helion being Lucien’s dad? We need more on this which is why I want a Lucien POV book goddammit.

Yoooooooo yall remember that bitch from ACOWAR who hybern was finna kill and she had a name and everything and then there was some foreshadowing and shit? What’s up with her? Like I can’t even remember her name lowkey but yeah what’s up with that. Was it something like Briar or Briannon or somthing???

Is Mor getting a book? Like deadass I need the Lucien and Vassa book, I need the Eris book, I need the Mor book and I need the Azriel book. Damn. Been waiting 6 years for some of this shit.

Okay that is all for now. Yes, this book has problematic elements at every level but I still loved it yet also hated some things about it. I won’t read House of Blood and Earth nor will I finish the TOG series but I guess I’ll stick with this series which remains near and dear to my soul despite what people gotta say about it. It made me happy and that’s what matters. Nesta is a huge ass inspiration to me as a character and I still wanna see her make the Inner Circle’s life a living hell uwu. I admittedly got HELLA emotional reading this story because it’s nonetheless super meaningful to me even at age 19 and it’s really powerful for me as a comfort book, and I look forward (a little) to what this woman put out next... sort of.

Signing off! Don’t @ me (okay you CAN @ me but idc).

[oleanderblume]

A little character analysis essay for Oliver.

WARNING TW FOR TALK OF ABUSE.

So, as those of you who pay attention to me at all know, I'm writing a book series. About clowns. Well— mostly about clowns.

Its basically one enormous allegory for the process of well...processing trauma. In the form of comedy sci-fi, multiverse saving fiction.

But Idk, I've been thinking of doing a little essay on the main character and main POV of the series, my boy Oliver.

Maybe I'll copy and paste this later and make a video essay lol.

Okay so, don't get me wrong, I love Oliver. I love all my characters in the series. But he holds a little special place in my heart due to some halfway through adjustments I made to him while writing. (Also the fact that writing Oliver directly led to my trans awakening)

Who is Oliver? Well, his full name is Oliver Tarsul— later changed to Jariwala when he is adopted by his step father. He's a manipulative, selfish, and insecure 14 year old with an incredibly abuse wrought history, a dead mom, and a fantastic fucking step father.

And his character arc is the most beautiful thing I have ever written.

Idk if you know this, but the book being published this year is the first in a series of 5. And Oliver's character arc spans the course of all five books. I've written the first 3 already.

So Oliver's initial arc when I wrote him was one about processing grief and becoming a better person and friend. Over time, that evolved with the backstop I gave him which inadvertently added so much more depth to his character.

He starts off like the average asshole teenager. He's rude, sarcastic, and overall a fairly unpleasant person to be around. And then I made his biological father abusive. I concocted this idea— that Oliver's current situation is due to his parents getting a divorce after his bio father attempted to kill him. His only goal was to get his mother back.

And then...I made him a victim of chronic physical and sexual abuse. I know! I know that hits a little bit close to home for me personally. I think I did that to have catharsis for my own feeling when I wrote about it.

But I turned Oliver's biological father into a horrific person who beat and r*ped his child for years before he came out as trans and the violence escalated to attempted murder.

So Oliver— obviously, would be really messed up about it. Seeing as all of this had happened before he got his life with Jon (his step dad)

The way Oliver has been treated in the past directly affects his character and his personality. He is selfish and cruel and manipulative because he thinks that's the only way he can protect himself and also get what he wants. And at the same time, he is insecure and self loathing and so, so afraid.

So he uses people and immediately pushes them away when they get too close. He is my all definitions of the word, flawed.

Of course, his arc is about realizing those flaws and working to improve. But at the same time, his arc is also about really and truly coming to grips with his trauma so he can finally process it and heal from it. It wasn't initially that. I didn't intend for it to be that at all, honestly. But I'm so unbelievably glad that it *is* that.

I sound like I'm bragging lol.

But I tied Oliver’s trauma to his personality so well that he as a character is forced to face those awful things in order to maintain the relationships he builds over the story. His relationship with Douglass (Oliver's love interest) is intrinsically tied to his fear of rejection and further abuse. And as a character, Oliver cannot grow or form a healthy relationship with Douglass UNTIL he can process the sexual abuse he endured as a child, he can't even bring himself to talk about it to Douglass until he understands that his seemingly irrational fear of being hurt by him is addressed.

And Oliver's relationship with Dindet is intrinsically tied to his deep seated rage in regards to the abuse he endured. Particularly surrounding his mother's inaction to stop it and her manipulation of him in order to maintain her own safety. THAT is something Oliver is even aware of.

So his arc not only involves personal growth in the form of building and maintaining healthy attachments, but also realizing the root cause of his struggles in order to face them and gain the ability to form healthy attachments.

And all of his arc, every minute shift in his character stems from the slow realization that he is, in fact, a victim of abuse. That he HAS trauma.

And boy, does his characterization really drive that point home.

Having been a victim of abuse myself, I have an intimate relationship with the behaviors victims portray, I know how I think, I know when I have control and when I don't and what sort of frame of mind I'm in when things are bad.

So writing Oliver as a victim of abuse is as realistic as I can possibly get. He has panic attacks. And flashbacks. He has outbursts of anger that are meant to dismantle his relationships to keep himself isolated and "safe". He is not the pretty, tragic victim of abuse portrayed in countless forms of media. He is the ugly, angry, shell of yourself person that uses his unregulated emotions to keep everyone at arms length.

And he is also terrified and self depreciating and constantly, silently screaming for someone to save him from the well of emptiness that his trauma has left in him.

I didn't do that on purpose either. But I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I built a main character that has such awful qualities and made him in such a way that it is still so hard not to care about him.

My beta readers, the folks who read books 1 and 2 before they get released, fell in love with him as a character. They saw through his awful behavior and into the core driving force of his actions and could even— on some level, relate to him.

And that is such an accomplishment. I haven't even mentioned the other characters thus far, or their arcs, almost all of which were well received by my readers.

Oliver though, hands down. Is something very important to me. And I can only hope that the people who read my book once it's published feel even a modicum of love for his character and the gradual, painful growth he goes through.