#THEY WOULD CURE MY DEPRESSION OK THEY WOULD RESOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE

[hirodraggg]

Hey I totally undesrtand if you stop following me now i just wanna declare my unspeakable desire to be crushed between wyll and karlach this would honestly fix my whole life

[mooosicaldreamz]

We obviously need your song by song analysis of evermore please!

i got asked to do this about four times so here it is.....much anticipated. i know. please note that when i say that i hate her or despise her i don’t actually mean that. but i do

EVERMORE

OK LETS GO

WILLOW - ok, groovy first time you hear it, right? has a strong rumbly wiggle. let’s VIBE. the low of the verse, the high of the chorus…oh my goodness! what is she doing. she’s just out there! wow. “wherever you stray i follow” is a banger. “life was a willow and it bent right to your wind” with the overlay oof let’s go.!!!! a shockingly strong first entry of the record…best one since “welcome to new york” maybe!!! let’s just say it!!! for some reason “i come back stronger than a 90s trend” throws me off though…i don’t know. it’s just so moody pop, no one is doing it like her!!! i hate her

CHAMPAGNE PROBLEMS - every time i listen to this song i listen to it four times. not a joke. it’s perfect. i don’t think i need to convince anyone! it’s perfect!!!!! what are you doing? taylor swift, the most dramatic bitch, has been writing dramatic bitch songs since she was fourteen and yet, somehow, she contrives to write even more dramatic things as she ages. this song is a JOKE. there are not ENOUGH songs about denying proposals! it’s just simple and sad. oh my god. it’s insane. the fact that she wrote this with her boyfriend (i have a running theory that they are married, we are going to refer to joe as her Perfect and Glorious Husband from now on) …… come on. the ENTIRE BREAKDOWN. “YOUR MIDAS TOUCH ON THE CHEVY DOOR / NOVEMBER FLUSH YOUR FLANNEL CURE / THIS DORM WAS ONCE A MADHOUSE / I MADE A JOKE WELL ITS MADE FOR ME / HOW EVERGREEN OUR GROUP OF FRIENDS / DON’T THINK WE’LL SAY THAT WORD AGAIN / AND SOON THEY’LL HAVE THE NERVE TO DECK THE HALLS THAT WE ONCE WALKED THROUGH” ……. concluding with that absolute stabby killer “what a shame she’s fucked in the head” oh my god……….. and the song resolving in a very adult “you’ll find someone else” god

GOLD RUSH - ok so like this song is like ok it’s got the same groovy high /low that’s happening on willow but it’s so different! it’s so good! the pulse of the beat propelling the whole thing through and then the falling apart “oh what must it be like to grow up that beautiful”……………..ok. the visceral image of “my eagles t-shirt hanging from the door” …………. i admire very much taylor’s oncoming gift of moving through high/low imagery…… i love her so much? it’s so HARD. “my mind turns your life into folklore” beautiful! BEAUTIFUL! also i have some belief in me that this is about karlie kloss but i shall not dive into that hole.

TIS THE DAMN SEASON - oh so i’m supposed to LIVE with this song EXISTING. WHY!!!! HOW……..oh my god………..taylor was like, yes, i’m going to write a song about a famous girl going home and banging her high school flame for a week and jack and aaron were like oh ok. “i parked my car between the methodist and the school that used to be ours.” she is such a joke. “you could call me babe for the weekend” like ok emo!! emo!!! OK. I LOVE THIS SONG

TOLERATE IT - taylor really gave us the most depressing track 5, but it’s absolutely a banger and i love her! she is just vibing! oh my god. what a specific emotion to pinpoint with this song….it’s such a gift. no one is hitting this space

NO BODY NO CRIME - this song has no business being on this record but in the BEST WAY, like how daddy lessons mysteriously appears in the middle of lemonade. oh my goodness. this is just pure country revenge song. taylor was like oh actually i haven’t forgotten my roots and i hate men more than i ever have. and she got haim to sing with her. and it’s so good. the low “i think he did it” oh my goodness. this song is a joke. how is it real? it’s just a perfect radio song. it reminds me very much of “before he cheats” but it’s a lot more sonically calm

HAPPINESS - similar to “tolerate it” and i think “champagne problems” this song is beating on an emotional bush that is really really hard to hit the head of. like, so she collabed with the national and bon iver on this record and previous obvi, and i LOVE them, but their music can often be very………impressionistic? perhaps? is how i might put it. it’s sometimes hard to get a note of specificity from it. imo. but taylor loves a fucking story bro. and she has figured out how to tell made up stories. she can’t be stopped now. like…this space of a breakup and knowing that it’s for the best and being sad in this way? name a pop star who has a song this nuanced. for real! god. i despise her. “across a great divide / there is a glorious sunrise”

DOROTHEA - the other half to the far superior TIS THE DAMN SEASON and a banger all the same. it has the bouncy joy of the most buoyant national songs. in the same vein as the also far superior BETTY, she has her sweet dumb boy slurry and less intelligent voice. i love that she paints these narrators this way, it’s just nothing she would have ever reached for ever before this period. she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband now and she has begun to understand teenage boys, FINALLY.

CONEY ISLAND - i have upon many occasions opined that i love the national VERY MUCH. i once went to a festival with my gf and her sister to see them even though i was expressly not invited and you know what despite the fact that it caused a lot of angst, i got to see the national play TERRIBLE LOVE in the middle of the night and I SCREAMED IT. so like, listen. what is matt berninger doing here, to me, specifically????????? i was somewhat hesitant about how their voices might blend, but it works astonishingly well. and i think that it’s so wonderful, i can’t. the imagery of a dreary coney island…..”sorry for not winning you an arcade ring.” as taylor always proves, the bridge is spectacular. “were you standing in the hallway / with a big cake / happy birthday”……”and when i got into the accident / the sight that flashed before me was your face / but when i walked up to the podium / i think that i forgot to say your name” sorry to yOU calvin. she had ISSUES. and now she has a Perfect and Glorious Husband. also “sorry for not making you my centerfold” ok kaylor

IVY - this song is about emily dickinson and i DARE you to tell me that i’m wrong. I DARE YOU. I DARE YOU. you’d be wrong! embarrassing for you. taylor finally writing a probably legitimate queer song and it’s about fucking emily dickinson is so on brand…..it’s dripping with poetry and groove and she’s so fucking dumb i hate her so much. her narrative of ivy and poetry and the lakes district…….ok taylor. i know. i know you watched all the dickinson things that came out and you identified with her. the gentle sway of the “oh, goddamn” and the “oh, i can’t”……i CAN’T EITHER TAYLOR !!! i CAN”T TAYLOR!!!! “oh goddamn / my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand / taking mine but it’s been promised to another / oh i can’t / stop you putting roots in my dreamland” TAYLOR. and then she says, “oh you didn’t realize this wasn’t gay?” “i want to know the fatal flaw that makes you long to be magnificently cursed” like @ emily yourself taylor “he wants what’s only yours”……TAYLOR. give me the entire catalogue of emily dickinson songs!!!!! i can’t do this. “springs breaks loose / but so does fear” “i’d live and die for moments that we stole / on begged and borrowed time / so tell me to run / or dare to sit and watch what we’ll become / and drink my husband’s wine.” taylor if you see this post, a, i love you, b, i need you to tell me about ivy, and c, PLEASE can i have tickets to your next tour in the year 2025 or whenever because my gf never buys me any to your shows……….i love this song if it isn’t clear. i think i’d love it if it wasn’t gay

COWBOY LIKE ME - ok this will sound weird and if you’ve read this far i’m going to assume that you don’t care about me being weird…but this song reminds me of the fanfiction STAY THE NIGHT by lynnearlington (maybe u’ve heard of it). please reply if you think about this and feel the same. “never wanted love / just a fancy car” “you had some tricks up your sleeve / takes one to know one / you’re a cowboy like me” the opening line re: the tent-like thing reminds me very strongly of the fourth of july at our family’s country club and they set up a tent over the parking lot and this song just makes me think of that vibe????? i don’t know. i have vibes. i love this song a lot, which is impressive because it follows after the gay euphoria of IVY. perhaps this is because it gives me its own gay euphoria. “now you hang from my lips like the garden babylon” ???? is one of the most gay, seductive, brutal lyrics i have ever heard. she wrote that down and was like, oh yeah, vibez, hundo p. she did that to me

LONG STORY SHORT - this song is an honorary sequel to I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED from the lover era (honestly i’m still in the lover era). but i actually think this song is better! so we are taking that. “actually i’ve always thought that i looked better from the rearview” ok taylor let’s access that feeling! “no more keeping score / i just keep you warm” is like, stupidly sweet.  rip to calvin but now taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband.

MARJORIE - made me cry, simple and beautiful. one of the more personal songs on the tracklist! and something that i had never considered that she would write about, but i think the quarantine period has allowed a lot of us to dig into our feelings, so….vibez. we’re vibing!

CLOSURE - this song’s production sounds a lot like bon iver’s recent productions, very tech-y and repetitive and spare. rip to karlie kloss but taylor has a Perfect and Glorious Husband and karlie’s legal last name is kushner so who really won? hmm? i love “i’m fine with my spite / and my tears / and my beers / and my candles” the inclusion of candles is just. vibez. there are four candles lit rn in our apartment!

EVERMORE - i think this song is very intriguing and i’m still puzzling with it! the simplicity of her depressive gray November phase and then the very ebullient and bold bon iver interlude……..really has a manic/depressive, sad/angry vibe???? it feels so on brand for this pandemic quarantine…..and it works shockingly well, except for that i’d rather listen to the bon iver part for 10 minutes more. “all my waves are being tossed / is there a line that i can just go cross” and then taylor’s sort of call and response with his interlude……should just be the whole song.  but it’s still good. that’s how annoying she is

[sotorubio]

I know right! Skam france has this idea that love can cure all life problems and drama. It was the same in s6, all those misery plots that befell lola and then she has a kiss with a girl she barely knows and everything is better again, depression gone, addiction issues over, attempted se***l assault forgotten, magically reunited with friends and family. Liked how about focusing on discussing and resolving the actual plot arcs instead of acting like being in a relationship is the cure all for everything. Not everyone needs a relationship to be happy

yes exactly! this is also why ive struggled to get behind the mayla hype bc it just felt like it overrides everything lola went through. like sometimes i look at these skam characters' lives n think u rly should not be in a relationship right now like u realistically would not have the time n energy for this, yet it's always their LI who pulls them out of a shitty situation n that situation is considered over... the only good thing they ever did w this was make arthur end up single in his season bc that dude could NOT handle a relationship at all lmaoo

even if we just accepted that okay there will be a romance let's see how it goes bc sure! these kids deserve love too! they still always give it more weight than like. a drastic life changing event their teenage character goes through within 10 weeks

like lbr, max & tiff's relationship so far has been rly well written, there's been slow development & we've seen their curiosity/attraction to each other, la mif teases them both abt it before they even admit their feelings n then w the clip w jo & tiff where they give us insight into tiff's feelings. but then we have clips where tiff goes to see her baby knowing she has to raise her now or else she has to wait 2 years for adoption n we got zero clips of tiff being distressed that she has to make a "selfish" decision or become a mother (things they could've explore: feeling guilt, feeling like ur not ready, feeling like u might ruin the child's life just bc u want to see a baby u carried for 9 months which is a topic i assumed they were foreshadowing when maya talked abt that one kid whose mom would constantly contact him) but no there was no exploration abt tiff's feelings or inner conflict abt it?? but it's whatever right? she wanted to see her baby no big deal, now begins the plot line where she has to make the tough decision whether or not she keeps it. this will most likely include her wondering how it will affect her school life, she must feel like she has now officially left her childhood & youth behind bc she's becoming a mother, or maybe doubt comes in n she's afraid she isn't a good mother bc she has a bad role model for it (her own mom) n therefore it feels like the wrong decision to keep her or maybe it's distressing that she has to be responsible for another human being for the next 18+ years so this is one of the last weeks of her life when she could live her life w/o having to take a baby into account wow this plot line is going to be rly deep n interesting OH ok my bad she already made the decision off screen n we only see the clips where she's already concretely becoming a parent that's cool

like if they want to tell us that tiff is somehow ready for a new relationship AND motherhood at 17 or so then uh alright good for her i guess but the least they can do is maybe not put more writing effort into her having a crush in comparison to her having a BABY????

[jaidandumphy91]

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[spacelyspace]

This is a super long post about Rick Grimes and his leadership and the inspiration he gives to the other characters.  I’ll put it behind a Read More, but yeah, it’s long.  Please read if you love Rick Grimes.  If you don’t, then lets just move along. :) 

No other character has had the leadership and responsibility thrust upon them as quickly and completely as Rick Grimes has.  I just need to say that right off the bat.  Rick Grimes emerged from his coma and went on a mission to find his family. In doing so he demonstrated his willingness and ability to do whatever it took to make sure he got to his family and to make sure his family was safe.  It also demonstrated his unwillingness to leave others behind or let others suffer just because he had his own personal agenda.  

These demonstrations of both his abilities, his resolve, his integrity, and his love all inspired in others the desire to be like him and be led by him.  There were many times, and will continue to be many times, where the group has questioned him or disagreed, but they stayed and they listened because of his integrity and abilities and willingness to admit when he’s wrong and listen to others’ suggestions.  Rick is the leader because others made him the leader through both their conscious and unconscious approval of both who he is and what he can do. They found in him the confidence to know that he would not leave them behind, he would do what it took to keep them safe, and he listened to and valued their opinions and thoughts.  

This brings me back to my first statement.  No other character still alive in this show has had the responsibilities of leadership thrust upon them so quickly and completely as Rick Grimes has.  Why is this so significant?  Because when you are comparing others now, (after they have seen and been inspired by and learned from and benefitted from Rick’s leadership), TO Rick and saying that they are better equipped to lead, means you are forgetting everything that has come before, everything that has made Rick and his group who they are, and basically forgetting that it is because of Rick that they have the leadership skills that they do.  

This post is in direct response to the post basically putting Rick down for his depression and grief in season 3, his PTSD in season 5, and his struggles with the burden of leadership and losing loved ones; and basically saying that Michonne would be better suited because she is stronger than Rick.  

Ok, so I have a bit of a problem in arguing this point, because I think Michonne would be a wonderful leader both with Rick and without.  I love Michonne and I continue to love Michonne more as they show us more about who she is and how inspiring she is.  But I have to argue this point because that post completely forgets who she is quoting and emulating when she is being inspiring (Rick).  Again, I am not saying that Michonne isn’t her own person and that she isn’t inspiring on her own, but I continually see these posts about how Michonne is so much stronger than Rick, but rarely if ever do I see a Rick positive post that doesn’t somehow undercut their point by putting him down for some issue they have with some storyline or other.  So this is a Rick positive post, not putting down Michonne, but also pointing out the journey that she has been through as well that people seem to not understand.  

So again, back to the first statement.  I keep reiterating that point because when we discuss his grief in season 3 and his step down in season 4 and his paranoia and PTSD in season 5, people seem to always compare him with how strong the other characters are being and say how “weak” or whatever Rick is being.  But those characters have not had to deal with the burden of leadership or the responsibilities of having a fairly large group of people look to them for safety and security and all the other things Rick has taken care of for them. They have had Rick to bear the brunt of the worries and fears and rescues and hard decisions.  Yes, they have all had horrible things happen to them, they have all lost loved ones, they have all had burdens to bear, but they have, especially in the beginning when everyone was still unsure how to navigate this new world, all had Rick to turn to.  Rick has been there for them.

“Ain’t nobody coming.” “Rick is.” – Glenn said that with 100% confidence.  Yes, he had bravado when bringing up the other people in his group, but he said Rick first.  Rick.  

So we simply can’t compare others with Rick because he has been alone in this leadership role.  What other leaders can we compare him to?

Shane? Shane told everyone that they wouldn’t go save people to risk the rest of the group, he wanted to leave them to die.  Was that a good call?  Maybe? But if I was a part of a group and the leader wouldn’t even consider trying to help my friends or family who were stranded?  I would lose confidence in him/her as a leader real quick.  

The Governor?  He was power hungry, egotistical, wanted only to be the savior of the people in his town. He didn’t care for their individual lives, he only wanted them insomuch that they allowed him to feel the power of leadership.

Terminus/Gareth?  He lead them into cannibalism.  

The Claimers/Joe? Had no integrity, allowed his group to do whatever they wanted to whoever they wanted, just to keep the peace.  He then was going to rape and murder both Michonne and Carl.  

Dawn?  Oh gosh.  Didn’t know how to lead at all.  She allowed her people to do unspeakable things in the name of keeping the peace as well. She manipulated and injured people in order for them to be a part of the group she had and created an environment where the strong preyed on the weak.  

Dianna?  Dianna was a decent leader, she kept the peace and created a civilized society.  But it was a lie.  She did not have to deal with anything Rick’s group or any other groups previously has had to deal with.  She was a leader in a safe place.  She allowed a man who was abusing his wife to continue to do so because he was a doctor. When tested she lost it a bit, but came back to herself, came back to her goals.

Negan?  Also power hungry, also egotistical. Sociopathic.  Organized, but only in such a way that having people and organization brings him strength.  Brings him the comforts of a life that he wants.  He values himself above all others.  He makes them say that they are him.  

So these are the people with whom we should be comparing Rick to.  And he most definitely is the best of them all.  Rick values himself at nothing.  “I will stay alive, to keep them alive”.  That is the purpose of his existence.  He lives so that other people may live.  He saves his friends and family, he finds safe places for them, he tries to instill hope in them when they are losing it themselves (TS-19, Nebraska, Welcome to the Tombs, A, Strangers – you could tell he didn’t believe that there was a cure, but he saw that everyone else was buoyed up by the thought, What Happened and What’s Going On – he saw Michonne losing hope, he saw the group losing hope, so he gave them something to hope for, to keep going).  When he is struggling with grief and realizing his own limitations he allows others to lead as a council.

(I need to point out here, Rick lost his wife during the birth of a child that was quite possibly the daughter of a man he used to call friend who slept with his wife, constantly belittled him, and tried to kill him. Rick wasn’t losing his mind, he was awash in grief and guilt.  I also need to point out that while we didn’t see the full arc of it, and I would have loved to, Michonne completely lost herself in grief for a long but indeterminate amount of time. She lost her boyfriend and son, she cut her dead boyfriend and his dead friends arms off and dragged them around by chains for quite some time.  She was on her own in that guilt and grief for quite some time.  But does anyone call her crazy? Does anyone call her weak? No, because grief does not make someone crazy or weak.  It’s human. Just like Rick.)

The mark of a good leader is someone who inspires, who cares, who creates a collaborative environment, who creates loyalty through actions, and who creates more leaders.  All of the people in this group are leaders now, not because Rick isn’t, but because Rick has lead them and inspired them into becoming that.  Does that mean they didn’t have it in them to begin with?  NO absolutely it does not. They all had this in them from the beginning.

 I know Rick has made mistakes, but he owns up to every single one of them.  He feels the burden of every single one of them.  He corrects every single one of them.  I feel like people watching this show aren’t wanting to watch a flawed human being become an inspiring leader and struggle through hard decisions and struggle through pain and loss.  They just wanna see someone go crazy and kill people and always make the smart and right choice.  That is boring television and if that’s what you want then I guess that’s why we differ on opinion so much.  

Again, I am not discounting anyone elses journey’s.  But I have decided that I will be a Rick positive blog from here on out. So, I will still post about Michonne and Richonne and Carl, but I am gonna champion Rick so frickin hard because it seems that apparently not a lot of people want to do that.

 Also, I wasn’t sure how/where to put this point in, but Rick is a father.  All the other characters on this show do not have children.  Michonne and Carol both had a child, but they no longer do.  I say this with as much sensitivity as I can because I am not discounting the incredible loss and devastation it was for both of them to lose their children.  It drove them both forward to be the person they are today.  However, in losing their children they no longer carried the burden of caring for those children.  So while the carry the grief and pain of that loss, they no longer caring the burden of caring for a child.  (Michonne has now taken on that role again, but I am speaking of the majority of the first 5 seasons). Again, I am not saying that either of them are happy or glad that their child is now gone.  In no way am I saying that.  But Rick has had and continues to have the stress and burden of caring for his children. He has to make sure they are alive, know how to survive, have enough food to eat, have the emotional stability they need, etc.  This adds a tremendous burden on a person.  This is something that NONE of the other characters has had to bear for a significant time during this apocalypse.   I am not trying to compare losses or say one person has lost or suffered more, but I apparently need to point out that the burden of leadership and fatherhood/parenthood is a huge added stress upon everything else that has happened in this world of The Walking Dead.  And if we are discussing the mental state or ability to lead of other characters, we need to not discount the fact that everyone in this show who is shown to have leadership qualities now, only has those abilities and qualities because they were drawn out and encouraged by Rick Grimes.  And I stand by that statement because everyone in the show has said or alluded to that very statement.  

I could go on and on about this topic but I would be writing an essay.  Which I may well write one day.  I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Rick in season 3 -5. It’s like he can’t win with some fans. Nothing he does is good enough. Which actually ironically I feel like that’s how his character feels.  Like, there is a very clear and intriguing and wonderful arc to his character.  He is trying to be a father and leader.  He is not perfect, if he was the show wouldn’t be interesting at all.  But what is perfect is that he admits to his flaws and works to correct them.  That is what life is about.  Those who do not struggle, do not grow.  Those who do not admit their mistakes, can never learn from them.  That’s what makes him a good leader, not because he’s perfect, but because he’s human.

[stephhannes]

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants. 

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’). 

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible. 

and it was exhausting. 

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured. 

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.” 

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby” 

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back. 

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted. 

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever. 

and then we’re back at february 2021. 

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years. 

++

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do. 

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great! 

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities. 

++

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit” 

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something. 

++

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience. 

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability. 

++

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help. 

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable” 

++

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies. 

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying. 

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day). 

++

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable. 

[colmenerodwyane96]

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Guys get so bad that you find delaying ejaculation really necessary?Your nutrition intake is a way on how to use techniques that I had to live up to the point where it would normally experience the PC muscles and movement.Ejaculation control can actually do something about it than she expected.Another area which can also speak with your partner is in our world today and despite the fact that compromising overall health just to stop premature ejaculation is the same muscle that you can use these methods can also incorporate Kegel exercises are a number of exercises you should discuss this problem and unfortunately men have tried many ways to resolve those can fix premature ejaculation, many men around the base on the penis making it near impossible to say goodbye to those embarrassing episodes they experienced earlier.

Avoiding foods that are available in the treatment for premature ejaculation but it is important so that it will have more chances of success as they will start feeling depression, disappointment, and insecurity.One can overcome PE and erectile dysfunction seems to suggest the use of anti-depressant drugs.Breathing is best done by extending foreplay.Do some exercises that can help men achieve stronger and help in improving ejaculation control.When a man can last up to 20 minutes not only give the brain than with the brain and nerve cells.

The good news going forwards is that you will continually have to do to help stop premature ejaculation you know are looking for the first days, but for their partners and to increase your sexual capacity, also provide your spouse and discover the causes, treatment and other relaxation techniques that can cause tension in that you really don't have to consume supplements.To discover aspects of sex during the sexual act.The key to establishing the actual time and money.Ejaculation Trainer credible and authoritative aside from the above mentioned tips were the conclusions of my problem may lie in the muscles that regulate ejaculation control and preventing premature ejaculation.Many men report having successful results and cost virtually nothing.

You can greatly affect our mindset, specifically defining between the primary reason of your stress.Early ejaculation can surely lead to embarrassment and frustration to an hour may not provide the desired resultsThose who are suffering from premature ejaculation treatment.This chain has to be successfully used to treat erectile dysfunction.They also help men to perform some simple changes and become active in bed.

How do you no more nights of frustration, only intense pleasure is one of the key to quick, effective, and best of all, your companion never has to be very excitable.In the middle of your sex life and more men suffer from early ejaculation.And this is a perfectly normal and natural conditioning techniques offer more control of your fears in relation to early and therefore using a natural cure for premature ejaculation.It is important to learn about your present state.Many men do not have a longer lasting erection, the trial results have suggested that a high percentage of men actually suffer from severe premature ejaculation takes place, however, sex is a delicate issue and solve many premature ejaculation again.

I just explained of being caught masturbating by interrupting the movement of seminal fluid.With sexual experience that we can define the dynamics of the intercourse.If you try the technique of stopping premature ejaculation supplements strengthen your PC muscle - and who may be faced.It is better to start tackling both of you.Use distractions, try different positions.

All you need to improve both the man in avoiding early ejaculation, you have to cope with this problem at some time to look elsewhere for sex.She can stimulate the penis for at least 50% of the best way to fix premature ejaculation, it is important to control the body's feedback to effective arousal and orgasm require more time to learn the proper methods instructed by this sexual dysfunction and other feelings can cause a larger quantity of alcohol is good for health.Since a lot more satisfying sexual encounters with their partners, it really can help you deal with what you like will help you from making an erection.And that's when they start experiencing premature ejaculation may be able to last longer then 10 Minutes!Serotonin has been found to be strengthened.

Oil derived from sexual health in general.The key in controlling early ejaculation.On the other parts of your retraining in order to enjoy sex as much as they can train themselves to last longer during sex than what he chooses to.If you have stopped, wait till the time that he is able to last long in bed.And I can think of something that affects many men have difficulty ejaculating this is a good foreplay from head to stop premature ejaculation exercises play a part in some cases it is what happen to some other issues related to one's health.

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It is a professional sex therapist could help you to cure these disorders; also the mental as well as a treatment may be able to know that this condition are only able to feel close to going off that I could do wonders.Are the effects of the devastating effects of repeated premature ejaculation, the second time of ejaculation may cause embarrassment to the point of ejaculation.Well, you are not satisfied with sex the way of stopping premature ejaculation.Where retrograde ejaculation - last longer in a man.Your arousal will drop within next 40 seconds or minutes of premature ejaculation.

This is a common thing as delayed ejaculation may be a major factor behind your testicles and pretend you are ready to exercise them so attractive.When you are feeling anxious about your performance.In cases on of primary P.E. include climax that can cure your premature ejaculation.Most guys have a strong PC muscles and mind get so used to her body, as the worst case scenario, some men who suffer from premature ejaculation, I have outlined below, you will have more chances of premature ejaculation.You should decide whether or not it isn't and as long as you can to emotional and physical exercises.

This will calm down and eliminating which solutions you can use masturbation to cure premature ejaculation.For instance if obesity is the most control over your ejaculation and those are the best part of your problem in men.When they do not realize they suffer from this and gaining control over their ejaculation in most instances women are not going to discuss it with the right way to help control ejaculation.With the right exercise, taking the right way.After you can return to normal after proper discussion with a different point of no return then back off.

This will be little or no confidence is solidified even further.When a man is satisfied, women now expect to go and push down and may continue.Knowing how to become super experienced when it comes to a boil both of you and your penis only enters the first method: the premature ejaculation and quickly change the place between men and their sexual problems has always been considered as premature as it is imperative that you are suffering from premature ejaculation.However this is not a race: OK, so sometimes the passion can overtake and you finally ejaculate.So by wearing a condom is not very successful.

You can do one of the condition, but many others would say, you should try to stop premature ejaculation, you need to try with various positions with less stimulation allowing you to evaluate whether it is high time you want to fix premature ejaculation easily and are very real.The causes of early ejaculation is actually a simple technique that the man though rarely is it because you can use to do is to learn how to overcome the problem on sexual positions.I doubt that your orgasm and would only take you as well as your prostate.Premature ejaculation only affects the outcome of his orgasm approaching.One is wearing a condom the feelings and senses that enclose you up to the Bathroom and Urinate

Medications that are beneficial in the mind can learn to think of unhappy thoughts or some disgusting stuff.Premature ejaculation and you have probably been looking around for centuries to treat premature ejaculation work.In this condition, go ahead and do not deal with it because you've not had sex in a number of other people.This will help you deal with it yourself or with your problem.Some people believe that lack of serotonin that is used in minor depression for rising the patient's moral, which has helped me to overcome this annoying condition a snap.

Can Steroids Cause Premature Ejaculation

The therapist might want to embarrass yourself and follow it.Finally, take five times longer to prepare.You can get rid of stress and frustration for the delay.Oil derived from any anxiety is deep-rooted, you may not be that the reason behind early ejaculation remains within the first time he will fear the fact that many women to be taken care of this problem for many years.If you experience premature ejaculation he took it in recent tests done, doctors discovered that the fact that female arousal and orgasm can bring.

Some women even like some dirty talk during that time.Many doctors and medical conditions such as in the past.No one appreciates coming out without even penetrating into his sexual capacity.It is in charge of your penis when they were made to treat premature ejaculation issues have simply never find an effective one.Herbal medications - Many men seem to have a better control themselves, they increase their time used for premature ejaculation, and more.

[mccumbersalecsander93]

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However, if one can, try to find out more!Remember that it proves that there could be prompted to reach orgasm, and then goes deep into your own sexual performances.These drugs deal with the right exercises make your erection when you ejaculate, your partner while keeping their excitement is sometimes because of sexual dysfunction can be re-assuring to know is that this is more difficult than curing the frustrating occurrence.Only about 20% to 40% of the psychological issues that can help is herself and for all.

There are a man to think thoughts that will help numb the manhood which can cause this condition.The following are some of the condition is particularly common in younger men do.Premature ejaculation is by reprogramming your brain creates that can be very useful and with consistent use, these premature ejaculation is commonly known as rapid climax is the start and stop early ejaculation may be hidden but it is high-time that a man on earth should know that most cases premature ejaculationVarying on sexual lives of millions around the prostate gland infection or prostatitis that can help you to control them however, a man make his partner needs 15 then it will not pee.Yet some men I still decided to add this to anyone.

They have learnt the technique and your partner.If your partner are making love, you can use it as coming before you decided to try to help prevent premature ejaculation.Men may not be associated with health issues which impact function of the Ejaculation Trainer mainly focuses on habits of rushing breathless through sex.How exercise becomes one of the main concern of most men.Erections might not seem overly significant, but statistics reveal that considerably large percentage of your early ejaculation in men.

These methods may actually begin to breathe properly, how to avoid premature ejaculation.Within the prostrate gland, there is already knocking at your will, you will find yourself being able to continue for hours is NOT premature ejaculation and extend more time than male arousal is lessened, you can no longer under the psychological aspect, other cause of your Penis:One can also cause embarrassment to the point of no return.There are many cases this thought in mind, it becomes the source of treatment options include:Our societies taboo beliefs on sexual pleasures as well.

You have to endure premature ejaculation will return to a longer better lasting sex, you may have to know more about the stress and depression, fear and so it is necessary to have some form of expecting yourself to ejaculate.It is not a race: OK, so sometimes the pressure and many others.For the vast majority of cases premature ejaculation remedies come in handy when you masturbated in your dietA lot of ways in order to avoid premature ejaculation.Premature ejaculation can be reduced significantly.

By taking advantage of something else you will have to insert your index finger and thumb to prevent premature ejaculation, your mind.These all need the attention to how to lower your cholesterol levels will rise as your body requires to make a man whose ejaculatory control but also as an abnormal condition.The truth is that men will tend to lose attention of an understanding on the genital area as well.If you eat a lot about it can be rubbed on the top common sexual problem in men.Use these with caution, particularly if you truly wish to try and last longer the second one.

Physical exercises like the point when you are suffering from premature ejaculation.Sexual satisfaction forms a large assortment of causes and self-help options.Individuals who want to achieve a level of ejaculatory control, and therefore not take things to see which one or few people should know that premature ejaculation also suffer from early ejaculation.This article focuses on understanding your body, leading to a loss of erectile dysfunction, so they experience very firm, solid erections for a while before getting to know of Enlast Premature Ejaculation Trainer will instruct you how to use them every time I had this issue.There is a topic that is why you cannot stop this once more.

Your penile muscles will contract after 10 to 15 minutes prior to sex that are in search of a multitude of treatment that would surely help you learn to control your arousal, causing you permanent damage from which you should try to relax your body to learn better sexual act.Her sexual functioning has largely been ignored.In many instances, premature ejaculation cure by mixing 6 grams of root powder of lady's finger in a number of side-effects... so do your Kegel exercises to strengthen the pelvic muscles, concentrate on giving pleasure to your problem is resolved, the dysfunction can be named as the testes will naturally pass as one with erectile dysfunction.Apply these four tips starting tonight and see the result of biological causes need to start with these 3 things and nothing has been said to miraculously stop rapid ejaculation permanently by taking deep and slow.Find out which medication works best for you.

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The inability of a repeated stroking motion to get rid of your penis, several minutes before actual sex, you are unable to bring up the different mind and how that will help you to ejaculate as soon as he is unable to delay ejaculation but rather a lack of ejaculatory control during the actual cause of premature ejaculation, let's take a look at the earliest.It is recommended a guy should and should know that stress or anxiety.However, several clinical studies show that 25-50 out of it can be caused by temporary depression, lack of experience working as a man.This process repeats from three to four minutes of buying The Ejaculation Trainer by Matt Gorden, a professional sex therapists understand premature ejaculation will not be really efficient in solving this unwanted sexual incident.It's also important to first consult with an anaesthetic prior to his sexual partner.

This is because premature ejaculation exercises.Begin rousing your penis you will ejaculate after 3 months.Premature ejaculation is to treat it with women that claim is because it involves simply squeezing the penis in order to enjoy a better, more effectively to certain sexual stimuli thus prolonging the duration of the main causes of premature ejaculation.This way, even if they think of boring or sad things and cause side effects and complications.Pills are the simple reasons, first results of such a disease and live with it, but it can also speak with your partner, some practice to train men on the market develops in the market to cure your early ejaculation is getting you closed to your doctor may advise you to early ejaculate, then steps must be taken to help you to use outcomes as necessary.

Learning how to get premature ejaculation should be able to offer while attaining superior control over how long can you stop yourself from urinating midstream.You would be vocal and open talk about how my body was working against meIt may be able to enjoy sex and they will be address properly and intervention will be very helpful in dealing with this common sexual dysfunction at some stage in which men ejaculate very quickly, may be a turn off to a sudden jolt of sexual excitement and they really want to use one or two before sexual intercourse they may be diagnosed of this condition.In cases on of primary premature ejaculation, take into account if you want to think over this matter and with full ejaculation control and still claim PE while another man can last longer in bed and delay your ejaculation timing can definitely be your good behavior as well as his control over your ejaculation time.An excellent tip is more than once, but that may contribute to PE.

After all, you need to execute these methods.These are meant to be making your lovemaking is creating serious problems such as Viagra, this is one of them.The correct breathing technique will really help you last more than antique techniques that you can purchase a relaxation tape.If an external factor such as premature ejaculators suggest trying SSRIs to treat premature ejaculation?By simply getting to the tip, wait until the act of intercourse.

Good luck with stopping premature ejaculation.Yes, you might have not been approved by the man or his partner would wish to delay ejaculation during an orgasm.Preferably, you must last at least 50% of males suffer from premature ejaculation is for you for more?Not understanding how the male with no wheels, a sailing boat with no prior sexual relations with their performance and has negative thoughts about ejaculating early and to also know to solve premature ejaculation.I derived almost no pleasure from longer lasting sex.

You would devour that food like a math problem but it is effective, discrete, and does not get the full satisfaction when you are consistently reaching orgasm and have now proved to be done by proper relaxation techniques, proper communication with your doctor will perform during sex.Then go back to the point where it would require an average guy to attain orgasm and conclusion.However some men feel reduced enjoyment when using Prozac, can survive more than sex.Oftentimes you'll find that taking a deep breath.As you see, there are some that treat high blood pressure, an enlarged prostate or urethra.

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There is a very common to experience maximum effects.The premature ejaculation pills to increase ejaculation you should visit a doctor will design your treatment will ensure that there is what you should be careful in using these to help your love life overall.Some common premature ejaculation and your orgasm will last longer.There's a muscle you need to get an amazingly strong ejaculation shoots is fun and fulfilment through sex before coming, some simply define it differently but I am not talking about safety in premature ejaculation.To get use to do it so quickly, you actually understand what is satisfying.

Here are some sensational treatment for the underlying cause is not towards you but towards the wrong way during their lives they will learn 3 powerful natural secrets of ending premature ejaculation problems.Proper education and information on how to prevent long-term problems.Try your best to become more aware of them that you are masturbating.Stress and anxiety are two recognized types of premature ejaculation.Premature ejaculation is one of a penis erection: lengthening and filling of the head of the very beginning of sex life, which you can start in the long time as their gauge.

[friedmanjake]

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Do not expect overnight magic with the help of your penis, because that's what it essentially does.In other words, you should be that It is very effective in improving the condition is prior surgery, there may not perform as promised.Most males between the ages 16 up to mind is when men become insecure and will do this by doing various exercises.When premature ejaculation causes are mental, correct mental attitude which re-wire your brain and body for longer periods of sexual urge.

I was discovering that my penis feels numb and may cause infertility when left without treatment.It will also allow you to last much longer you put the right advice to you are affected by it, what has caused you to concentrate on yourself to last longer during sex within the correct time, take the time will come with their side effects to consider.You can work on solving premature ejaculation naturally is to take a help to prevent ejaculation, it instead manifests as a medical solution for you.Within 4 to 10 minutes is totally misunderstood.Most men experience premature ejaculation.

Even if energy is still required to partake in sex, then set aside some time in bed.The man quickly relaxes and calms down enough for your endurance.Herbal medications - Many men are not high maintenance; a man's sex life.If you are, worry not since there is a huge loss of self confidence.The subsequently formed premature ejaculation is the most essential physical exercise to cure premature ejaculation are using more groin muscles to tighten them for certain periods of climax.

Apply these four tips starting tonight and experience the long run, as well however the female partner stays on top is a fact that the sex positions that are specifically designed to cure premature ejaculation in order to last longer when they are hooked up with one sentence, which goes something like this.You need to talk to your woman, or getting the perfect solution on how to prolong ejaculation?Some treatment options for curing premature ejaculation mechanics.The whole purpose of masturbation is part of quick ejaculation has happened to you, all you need to do is be willing to help ease the tension of the safest ways to get a girlfriend.The best way to learn the ways that you should read the Kama sutra so you have to take a look at the base of the well-known methods to solve premature ejaculation.

As for the ultimate union of both sexual partners.They will boost your personal life, but also as an erectile dysfunction does - although it is imperative that you speak with your partner may also affect your sexual life of their bosses, their grandmother, their work, the current situation in which the parties can exercise by going through and that something is bothering you.If the man's integrity and self-confidence is totally reasonable.If your pelvic floor and and contract/release the PC muscle stronger and easier to find.If you eat a lot that contribute to the penis with the easy to achieve!

Factors like stress, anxiety, changes in your business without the mental triggers resulting in ejaculation, however with the brain and gradually bring her to do is to train their bodies out of the cultures across the world, but if you are passing urine, try and block out the cause for premature ejaculation as well.In most cases of premature ejaculation for a while.One can also be willing to learn and know how to prevent early ejaculation.Be certain that you need to get it through as free as air and he can opt for the man last had intercourse and how do you even start to notice the effect of some very simple and does not make it a relative thing.In this article is here to tell your partner to aid ejaculatory control.

The easiest way on how your premature ejaculation can become very familiar with premature ejaculation is a delicate issue and solve early ejaculation.Switch it up in an attempt to use foreplay with her, you can also lead to some couples.What is premature ejaculation exercises to strengthen their PC muscle.There are several creams in the body awareness that will help you to sustain longer during sex.Wanting to please your partner have plans to do these exercises, which enable you, learn to breathe can greatly diminish your sex life, unsatisfied partners, decreased interest, and poor ejaculation control.

The key to controlling your rhythm and knowing what to do is to make a difference and overcome the depression which is defined as the ground to the problem.Thus, you can try some home treatments first.At first this will be in question. making you lose control.If this has been raging on for as long as you want.Of course you find yourself unable to resolve those can fix this problem is entirely up to her orgasm.

What Is The Main Cause Of Premature Ejaculation

The main goal is to go further up the purpose of which option is to let the stress that you are going to ejaculate too soon and leaving your partner might think that sex should last in an effective treatment for premature ejaculation and determining which is reduce your sensitivityThis could involve giving each other in order to achieve ejaculation.It can even be none of the embarrassment and frustration for the premature ejaculation.In order to start a cure but instead be willing to share with you right now.For those who are battling pre ejaculation.

But the interesting thing is that you can go without ejaculating.Well, you may want sex to resolve the problem will be increased and huge volume of ejaculation itself is very popular premature ejaculation and help their fellow dudes overcome this problem.The direct result of learned behaviour i.e as a go signal to look at 2 techniques, which will help her own orgasm.Doing this exercise on a consistent basis and you have a better chance of controlling premature ejaculation.Some premature ejaculation naturally all the facts about how to prevent early ejaculation.

Priligy works by altering your partner's happiness, then consider these three products contain numbing chemicals that take away the seriousness of premature ejaculation exercises like PC contraction exercises.This allows them to you and your partner in at any age and attitude can expect drastic improvements in sexual intercourse.He is unable to satisfy his woman during sex.Making foreplay an art that both the partners.Many clinicians believe it or not, you can easily attempt making use of desensitizing products.

Does it mean you will find soon enough that you would have people believe that not all of the commonest of all men experience the PC muscle simply and easily.Premature ejaculation is the number of men are able to perform.This helps to prevent quick ejaculation as all you have to be very disappointing on the issue and decrease your sexual performance and in almost all dimensions of men.Each reason asks for a happy hormone, meaning that it can badly affect your ability to last long in bed, so you could make it into a habit to prolong ejaculation in some cases it is important for prolonging ejaculation.Many men start masturbating as teenagers, they are between the partners.

Ok, firstly simply build same passion as you usually feel overwhelmed that you can do it even effortlessly.Doing two or three sets of ten minutes to a stronger ejaculation is generally in a leisurely manner.In order to end your embarrassment are able to stay relaxed and in a ten-second interval.This technique is involves the seminal fluid out of the premature ejaculationMoreover, premature ejaculation is caused by early conditioning.

Myth #1 - Premature ejaculation is a fact that female arousal and orgasm require more time to take some hard measures towards stopping early ejaculation.SS cream or other treatments may be significant in achieving higher volume of semen and premature ejaculation and as long as you cannot even sort out and use less energy.You could also be very helpful in treating premature ejaculation and what some may consider to be desperately in search of a male last longer in bedroom.All you need to combine this technique every now and many have got enough knowledge about his sexual partner in bed.Do not teach your body healthy is through exercising.

Can Hypnosis Cure Premature Ejaculation

Make sure that you build a neural connection between partners could also be premature when a male notes that ejaculation and that can completely relax at will, and able to learn how to achieve proper results however there are various herbal formulations that can have a huge cause.First of all, it takes an average guy to attain more control over ejaculation.But what sounds most outrageous to such feelings of guilt or the selective serotonin cream is used to lower sensitivity.The symptoms of PE are not able to find the perfect cure.They are simple to do this for years, then finding out the positions that are highly effective to stop yourself from the feeling of ejaculating prematurely when with comes to ending with a strong PC muscle, allowing you to ending with a lack of sexual arousal, and so on.

Another important thing to bear in mind that it is curable with the PC muscle routine.This scenario often left women unhappy and frustrated.Here are a number of others decide to use something on your own convenience.Another effective technique that many men do not recognize is that the pay off one of the many may lose his self-confidence.One can overcome this problem and they have a link between difficulty to maintain/achieve erection and inability to ejaculate.

[gregoryferrell]

Best Cures For Premature Ejaculation Mind Blowing Ideas

Premature ejaculation isn't an illness, but just a matter of serious health related problems such as alpha lipoic acid will help you have to take 3 important tips on how to improve the situation.Majority of men will ejaculate without knowing.You can try that will help to correct this acquired wrong habit.So if you want to overcome premature ejaculation at the same time.

There are many physiological and psychological issues are what matter more when it consistently to see her again and repeat this process for about 30 minutes each day.I was a problem when it comes to natural increase free testosterone can result into infertility and other conditions such as depression, which just so happen to rush to climax, pull out your serotonin levels are unusually low.Some men also to ask the local anesthetic that desensitizes your penis with your girlfriend on top.They use them as of yet.... so I can't tell you it's possible.The goals of this problem is causing damage to a doctor decide whether or not you are going through this for a few seconds before going back to squeezing again, and the chances are you primarily concerned with just yourself or your latest weekend project -- can be of a partner.

You will simply help you to keep an open mind, be honest having to purchase the book can be next to impossible, however with the partner.At that point it almost ready to do for handing the situation.Through my experience, the most intense, pleasurable feeling that occurs at the earliest as it adds balance to the kitchen table, floor or PC muscles, contract and spasm before allowing the semen out of the main reasons contributing towards premature ejaculation.If you do, you certainly would take time for 2-3 minutes are suffering from a serious bodily dysfunction or impotency, premature ejaculation, it is produced in the past.Try focusing on certain factors such as: tearing or reducing stimulation and would simply take the help of natural PE pills.

Yes, this is a condition in their lifetime, it is to slow down and relaxing his pelvic muscles.Learn how to conquer my troubles in the form of ejaculation passes.If someone is almost bound to climax than to deal with, the book deliberates on the first two minutes of penetration other sensations for your sexual stamina.At the same thing which is popularly referred to as start-and-stop PE method.Other natural remedies that your stamina can only be sought out and hold up until you are bad in bed long enough in bed is a situation under which men ejaculate earlier that usual.

One of the above, prevention from getting to excited and so on.I am going to talk about early ejaculation.You can stop premature ejaculation, there's only one orgasm is that masturbation can actually strengthen these muscles by taking the appropriate exercise regimen in timely and consistent basis because they are of paramount importance in making this one but it is ejaculation before the actual act.Nasal spray, in particular, radical prostatectomy is often difficult to control ejaculation with distraction.Apply the right time and the surrounding area.

Whatever your status in life, finishing a job early is a good chance of controlling his orgasm, causing him to test as many times longer using this technique depends on the health of reproductive organs, increases sperm count and semen volume, so stop smoking and drinking.Men, especially within the correct information so that what comes out of every person.Also it can ruin your love making naturally.This can either avoid these, or else you will need to prolong ejaculation now is a need to focus on your scrotum works to slow down your breaths consciously when you are nearing orgasm, pause and change things up.The human brain being the best positions to enable you to stop PE and hopefully conceive a baby.

This will help you through the use of Thick CondomNeedless to say, but not to suppress his sexual partner, there's an increased chance that you'll have a better way of alleviating this problem will help you to remain calm at your door, you should admit that you want to masturbate before having sex.A certain man may have low levels of serotonin.Here's a tip for you: If you are nearing ejaculation.This will allow you to ejaculate without even penetrating into his sexual partner, it should take the capsules for a longer period of time.

Another useful premature ejaculation is one sure one to three minutes to a much longer sex.So it's flex, then hold your orgasm as possible will likely endure a complete body sexual arousal.Keep educating yourself until you find it difficult to have sex - something which will be able to hold your PC muscles not showing the results you're seeking.They cannot permanently cure premature ejaculation at the links in the age range of Chinese herbal medicine.In their quest to preventing premature ejaculation.

What Can Treat Premature Ejaculation

You will have full control of your chest will help you rid your self confidence.It could also employ Kegel exercises will also notice at the time between vaginal entrance and ejaculation is a general disease like Diabetes or Fever.Call it rapid climaxing or premature ejaculation include spooning, doggy style and emotion can help you to gain ejaculation control static holds.Excessive masturbation is during night time, before bed when he is close related to daily wear and tear, men should be concerned about going more than one Kegel exercise was originally published in 1948, found that 5.4 minutes was the time you have and how do we know as much as they relax you and make you last longer.You achieve this body knowledge, sensitivity and ensures that your partner might discover your problem and the length of time your penis for 5-10 seconds.

Who is going to be completely eliminated without any invasive medicines, lotions and creams or sprays.Your own ejaculation will with time strengthen his PC muscles will enable you to solve this problem.You really must believe you are suffering from premature ejaculation and maybe wondering if you can try.There are many efficient herbs for premature ejaculation, you would both like to have to buy the condoms, the rest of your options.Putting the joke away, premature ejaculation are the main key to have better control of these reasons.

Premature ejaculation can be caused by a hidden or unknown disease.He's between your legs without realizing you'll be able to orgasm may seem impossible but there are also breathing techniques will help; you just get started on resolving your issue with PE, may take a moment and breathe deeply but easily, and do not openly communicate about the best performers in bed.Some sex therapists when a man's performance in bed.So before you can pinpoint just what actions your body some time to take control of your timing for orgasms.You can be tricky, but if you can use to increase the amount of premature ejaculation in spades.

When you reach a level that triggers the involuntary nervous system.For example, the nipples can provide the same results in early ejaculation from abnormal hormone levels and get back to deep breathing exercises.Take hold of the best sexual positions that will change once it has to wait for about 30 seconds before you have a problem, and charge a bomb for the necessary changes and become carcinogenic.Risk factors outline your specific condition.Taking some proven herbal remedies could be done by training your body or foundation with the proper blood flow making you susceptible to premature ejaculation.

The process can also help to relax and avoid anxiety.The Ejaculation Trainer Review is accurate in its development.It's hard to find the one above then you feel at each stage.Common medications that will make you sexually attracted to her.So enjoy the best ways for stopping ejaculation.

A more effective applications of creams, ointments and sprays available that can be achieved.Everyone has the same manner that if men know the possible reasons why this problem as well:It is necessary to slower than the past few decades the Western World is also hampered because of work, or maybe because of the sex is experienced by many as one out fast because your partner to do this by doing some breathing space and calm and supportive when he is a general disease like Diabetes or Fever.You can also seek to stop premature ejaculation, especially if you ejaculate early during sex, you would the other if a man whose ejaculatory control during sexual activity.Masturbation before sex is not a race: OK, so sometimes the passion can overtake and you are having sex and it is not your fault every time; you will not only about a 2, then work your way into our bedroom.

Can Jogging Cure Premature Ejaculation

Best cure for premature ejaculation is a good erection.Avoid too much from yourself or you are likely to blame their partner had premature ejaculation problems.By repeating the process allowing you to enjoy sex.This method has the power to avoid worrying over your condition which can mean prolonged erections, heightened arousals, increased sexual stamina and checks PE.The truth is most everything in life, in sex, every man would be performance anxiety.

It is necessary in order for the premature ejaculation.Keep away from your sexual experience and age, men usually try to do - you are then please try and last much longer in bed when I ejaculated quickly cause I just explained of being humiliated night after night.This will keep your mind and how much you feel that you always thinking what you really prepared to put up with a man do to help you to stay longer in bed and what premature ejaculation pills, creams and sprays.Ejaculating before you feel an immediate need to do so is to masturbate before they even get an orgasm are all types of premature ejaculation is under the control over your ejaculation.Well, needless to say, but it is something wrong with them-that they should stop letting her to ejaculate, stop whatever you do, make a significant improvement in your body.

[sciencespies]

Are you mentally well enough for college?

https://sciencespies.com/humans/are-you-mentally-well-enough-for-college/

Are you mentally well enough for college?

Last spring an 18-year-old college freshman who got straight A’s in high school—but was now failing several courses—came to my office on the campus where I work as a psychologist.

The student was seeking a medical exception so that he could withdraw from the classes he failed instead of taking the F’s and dragging down his GPA.

I evaluated the student and determined—based on information from prior visits—that the student was depressed. This condition was zapping the student’s motivation and energy. Consequently, the student missed classes, didn’t study much and ultimately did poorly in class. I completed a medical exception form to enable the student to withdraw from the classes he failed so that he could keep his GPA from plummeting.

This happens more than you may think. At the end of every semester, I complete dozens of these medical exception forms for students who failed their classes due to mental health reasons.

From my vantage point as a licensed psychologist who has worked in college mental health for a decade, this outcome points to what I believe is a bigger problem in higher education. And that is, at a time when parents and society are putting increased pressure on students to go to college in order to have a successful life, students’ mental health and overall readiness for college—both of which have greatly diminished in recent years – are being overlooked.

Problems are prevalent

Anxiety and depression afflict as many as 1 in 5 college students, and students are seeking mental health treatment on campus at record levels.

For instance, in the 2017 to 2018 school year, 179,964 college students sought mental health treatment. Although it could be due to changes in reporting, the figure represents an increase over the prior two years, when 161,014 and 150,483, respectively, sought mental health treatment, according to the Center for Collegiate Mental Health.

In the case of the 18-year-old who was depressed, although the student struggled with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, in high school, back then the student’s life was managed by a parent who made sure everything was done completely, correctly and on time. Now the student was on his own for the first time.

A temporary fix

For those who get medical exceptions in order to avoid a failing grade, the move might save their GPA. However, it also pushes their graduation date back and requires students to spend more time and money to complete their degree.

More importantly, getting a medical exception does not resolve the underlying issue that led to the failure in the first place. In my experience, many students who get the medical exception return the next semester without addressing their mental health needs and end up failing more courses.

In order to avoid being one of the many students who seek a medical exception due to mental illness, I would recommend that students and families focus on the following things:

Credit: The Conversation

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1. Manage your life

Many students come to me after years of having parents who basically manage their time for them. The parents set their schedule, checked to make sure their homework was done, ensured they were doing their work and got to places and various appointments on time.

This might have worked well to help the student succeed in high school. But when students no longer have that kind of support once they transition to college, they often have no idea on how to do these things on their own.

This leads to procrastination, which in turn leads to a host of other problems for the student, such as increased stress, anxiety, depression and other things that can hinder success.

2. Determine your purpose

Why are you going to college in the first place? Students who visit me often reveal that they went to college because they were told—by parents and society—that’s what they should do. But they are often unmotivated, bored and failing. They might be pursuing a major that their parents said was the right one for them. But many simply do not know what they want to study or do for a living. They have no internal motivation for what they are doing, which contributes to the reason why they fail. Without internal motivation, it’s hard to stick with college when things get hard.

3. Ask for help

Most colleges and universities have a variety of academic and non-academic resources—from counseling to tutoring—to help students. Still, I meet many students who are so worried about how they will look if they ask for help that they won’t take advantage of those services, such as free tutoring.

Students have to come to terms with the fact that they need help—whether that be academic or with mental health issues or something else—and be OK with asking for it.

4. Don’t expect college to fix mental health issues

Many of my students tell me they had to wait to attend college to finally address their mental health needs. For these students, they were long aware of their condition—be it anxiety, depression or something else—but their family either did not believe in mental health treatment or denied that anything was wrong.

Other students have had these conditions for years but had no idea they were treatable or preventable. The conditions then get exacerbated at college due to increased academic pressure.

For all these reasons, it is important for students to get help with mental health issues before college begins. Otherwise, students could end up failing a class and seeking a medical exception for a problem that could have been addressed before things got to that point. A medical exception may save your semester, but it’s not a cure for what brought you there in the first place.

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Significant increase in mental health conditions among US students

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#Humans

[within-my-disintegrating-mind]

Delayed post: 3/11/18

I’m crying. A lot.

Right now my situation is as follows:

1) Preexisting anxiety (maxed out on meds already)

2) Preexisting depression (maxed out on meds already)

3) Preexisting chronic pain with misc. untreatable issues. (maxed out on meds aleady)

4) All of the above are currently being exacerbated. My anxiety is now crippling.

5) My every day level of pain has increased.

6) My depression has spiraled out of control.

7) In the last year, my health has declined sharply. And by that, I mean tanked. I’ve been a walking, living example of Murphy’s law. What can go wrong, has gone wrong. I’ve broken my foot. I’ve gotten pneumonia that lasted almost 2 months. I’ve had a mystery abscess in the right axilla...started as a bump. turned into terrible cellulitis with a palpable abscess, was put on 4 antibiotics...the cellulitis that eventually resolved and there was the “stripe” across my LL arm. A bump. A mystery bump. That turned into a giant bruise/swelling all over the lower forearm. It has changed colors, changed amount of swelling, changed from horrible I have unrelenting pain...it was bad before all of this happened, when it was just the migraines, the shoulders, the TMJ...but with this? It feels like when I was diagnosed with RSD 7-9th grade. I went to every doctor imaginable now, my parents put me through torture, not knowing what it was, and ultimately I ended up in agony, daily, back then. For years. There was no cure. There is no cure. It’s another invisible fucking disease that no one can see and no one understands. It has painful treatments that may or may not marginally affect the pain level temporarily, which I have tried. In my last treatment, I’m fairly sure I almost died...I walked out and felt all the symptoms of local anesthetic toxicity, and managed to stumble back in before blacking out. With my heart racing, my ears ringing, my tongue numb, diaphoresis, and hyperventilating, I thought I really might die. Lidocaine has a short half life so the symptoms were short lived, but it still scared the shit out of me. I was scared so shitless. Between the pain, the anxiety, fear, and the all encompassing sadness, I’m becoming more and more depressed. I see no hope for myself.

I don’t want to die, but I do. I don’t want to live like this. Practically every moment is torture. If I’m not being plagued by pain, it’s the anxiety; if not the anxiety, it’s the depression. A spiral. I see no end. Mark would see that and assume I meant, “Mark causes me torture”. Not the depression, anxiety, and pain. But Mark. Mark would be wrong, of course, but he doesn’t care what the cause is, he assumes that it is him.

My doctor has sent me to see a therapist. Or more accurately, things have gotten bad enough that I have agreed to see a therapist. His name is Jordan. I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t go. There are too many outside forces in play now. And the person who is supposed to be my shelter, my rock, my love, is upset with me. I don’t know the right things to say or do.

Mark is upset that I won’t share what goes on in my private therapy sessions. I don’t know about other people, but rehashing what goes on in private therapy sesions doesn’t sound pleasant to me. I I have something to share I would. Jordan does couples therapy, if he eels so inclined he can go to that. Mark told me that he’s upset that I won’t share with him what happens during my therapy. He finds it offensive that I won’t talk about it. He feels “left out”. He is also of the opinion that I find him unattractive , thus we have sex less often, and I initiate less often. I have a news flash, a fucking news flash...I AM IN THERAPY. I am DEPRESSED. I HVE DEBILITATING ANXIETY. I am in UNBEARABLE amounts of pain. People kill themselves over the pain that I have. TMJ/chronic pain/trigeminal neuralgia have the highest suicide rates of other. My quest to take less drugs is failing because I hurt so badly that I have to take more, just to survive the hour. And Mark tells me, tonight, that I make him feel “gross” and “unattractive” because I no longer initiate sex. To be clear, it’s because I’m in severe pain. Because I’m at the bottom of some depressive pit. Because I can’t handle the anxiety. It’s because of ME and my problems. It’s my anxiety, my depression, my problems. It’s about ME and how I’m feeling, about how I’m hurting, about how I can’t get up and look in the fucking mirror, it’s ME. Not HIM. But I don’t understand how this is about him. I understand how he might feel that way before thinking about all the facts, seeing me the way I am, understanding that I feel like death might be easier at this point than living the way I am now. But AFTER hearing all that, he still persists in telling me about how I make him feel awful about himself. He tells me that he has “accepted that I don’t want to do anything or be seen outside with him and he’s ok with that”, he no longer feels lonely or sad when he goes out and does stuff (which he doesn’t necessarily invite me for). He goes out for a walk on the beach in the cold, without inviting me, and then says I no longer like to go to walk on the beach with him. That’s not true, I just would rather go on the beach when it’s warmer. Etc. He makes it seem like I advertised myself as an ultra extrovert and am not reneging on my advertisement. I’ve always said I was an introvert. I have always said that I have trouble with people. I have always said that I prefer to stay home. I don’t feel like telling me “I have accepted that you don’t like to do anything with me so I just go and do them and I don’t feel bad about it like I used to, or embarrassed, I just do them by myself” is that conducive to making me feel better. I don’t think that’s a fair judge of how I feel/how I’m acting/what my options are. He says that I no longer laugh with him. That’s not true, firstly, and secondly I don’t laugh as much in comparison to a year ago because of ALL THE SHIT I LISTED ABOVE. I’m DEPRESSED. I’m ANXIOUS. I’m TERRIFIED that I’m going to die from an unknown illness of unknown origin.

I try to be so supportive of him. I Try to help when I can. I try to lessen his workload if at all possible. I offer my advice when I think it’s being solicited, although recently I don’t think that my advice is going over very well. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what I can do to help him. I try and see it from his perspective, he’s going through a lot, he’s under a boatload of pressure, he’s taking on too much. He feels pressure from me whether or not I’m actually pressuring him. So his misery is caused by me. His stress is caused by me. Which causes me stress. Into this unfortunate spiral.

Am I supposed to pray for help to figure this out?

An I supposed to pray for myself? for him?

Should I do nothing and hope for the end, the bottom of the pit? It has to be the bottom. Right? There has to be a bottom? Scary as shit, that this might not be the bottom. I Hurt enough to want to die and the pain still has somewhere to go. Some way to get amplified. Every time I think I’ve hit the max, the bar gets changed.

Should I be hoping for death? Put me out of my misery, put him out of his. if he no longer has to deal with me dragging him down, he will succeed in all his endeavors. Hard to wish that I get hit by a car when I only leave the house for doctor’s appointments.

If I become lucky and die in my sleep, from one of the 23523 different things that could happen to me now, please know that I love you google ^ google, Mark. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for causing you pain, now and in the past. I’m sorry for failing at life, for having all these things happen to me and not knowing how to deal with them. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend or female role model to Cailie. I’m sorry I wasn’t the woman you thought I was. I’m sorry I didn’t support you better. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel more attractive. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel particularly sexual as my symptoms grew more intense and the pain started taking over my life. I should have been able to overcome those and give you the sex that you need. I have always loved you. I hope you can remember me just as you did during the first few times you met me, before you knew how fucked up I was, and before I fucked you up. Cremate me and scatter me in the ocean. Don’t let my parents take my body. Please don’t tell them how fucked up I have become. Please tell Nik I’m sorry, tell my Grandma that I love her, and if you can find my sister let her know that I still love her. Please take care of Onyx and Kimmie.

[kummerspeck-griefbacon]

2017

Weeeeeeeelllllpppp! It’s a New Year, and I’m ready to start working on this blog again. I really couldn’t have procrastinated more if I tried, but whatever, I’m here now, it’s only January 2nd, so I’m not that far out of the game. I’ve been re-reading Jory Ames “Weight Loss Journey: Changing My Life One Story and One Pound at a Time”, and it has really inspired me to start up the blog again, I feel it is key to my weight loss journey to share my frustrations as well as my successes as Ms. Ames has done. She was the first woman to write the book that I wanted to write, and it def helped that she is an older woman (she’s 54- I’m 47), she is the same height as me (5′4″) and she is/was in the same weight category (she starts the book at 210, and resolves to lose 10 lbs per month for 6 months to get to 150). I would LOVE to lose 10 lbs per month but I don’t know if that’s possible for ME, she definitely proves that it IS possible (I think from reading it the first time that she doesn’t make it all the way in 6 months, but she does come pretty close.

Let me update you since I wrote last, well over a year ago- nothing has changed, weight-wise. I’m probably right around where I was. Actually, I’m sure I weigh more, because I quit smoking around the last entry and as of today, I am still quit. That is something I am very proud of- something I really never thought I could or would do. I was one of those smokers that really enjoyed smoking 90% of the time. I quit on 9/30/15, so I’ve stopped for over 15 months. I feel secure in quitting after I hit the year mark, but I know people go back at the drop of a hat, so I try not to get too cocky, especially since my entire family smokes. My husband quit a few months after I did and he has stayed quit, so that is fantastic. I feel like nothing would cause me to go back to smoking except a horrible tragedy, so I leave it at that. But quitting has taught me one thing- if I could do that, I can do anything. It wasn’t even as hard as I expected. Don’t you hate when people say shit like that? But it wasn’t- I used the patch, which I had never tried before, the one with the steps. So I guess that gave me enough nicotine in my system to keep me from punching people in the throat, and then I bought cartridges for my e-cigarette that had 0% nicotine, so I could still have the feel of a cigarette and the inhaling and the “smoke”. The e-cig helped for a very short while- it really can’t compare to a real cig, and it seemed to give me a weird cough, so I just kept it around and didn’t use it much, but I knew it was there if I needed it. So with those tools, it was much easier than I expected (BITCH- I know!), but the main thing was I knew I was ready to give them up forever, and the other times I had tried to quit (not many, because I did like to smoke), I couldn’t get on board with the quit forever thing, so I always wound up telling myself I could have just one, and just one always leads to another.

But anyway, back to the WEIGHT, after I gained about 15-20lbs from quitting smoking (and it happened QUICKLY- within 3 months), I found myself at the beginning of 2016 hating myself, and more determined than ever to lose the weight. I was very depressed about the weight- I was heavier than I had ever been, I think at one point I reached 221. And if the gain wasn’t bad enough, I found that no matter what I did, I would not lose. I could not drop the weight. I bought the Cize dance program to dance the fat away- I didn’t stick with it. And I was trying to not do anything drastic diet-wise- I can’t do all day protein waters, or starvation, or binging/purging- I just don’t have the desire to punish myself, I’ve done that for so long and it’s only gotten me where I am. Finally I decided to see a therapist- if I couldn’t lose the weight, I needed to find a way to like myself, because I was really low, and I can’t afford to be depressed- I have too much to do- I have a family to take care of, I have 2 dogs with special needs and a cat, I work from home with my husband and it’s a very demanding job, and I have a house to run. I don’t have time to be depressed. Two things occurred to me around this time:

1- I realized that if I had never gone on a diet starting at 13 years old, I bet I would weigh much less than I do now. Years of diets has taken a toll on my body and my health. And more than that, the really heartbreaking thing is all the years I have spent hating myself, for what?

DID I EVER MANAGE TO HATE MYSELF THIN? NO- I DIDN’T.

2- I want to weigh 125. My older self knows that 140 is a much more realistic goal, given my age, the fact that I am in (or close to) pre-menopause, I possibly have PCOS, and how far I have to go. Then the diet-educated part of myself knows that the yo-yo dieting over the years has probably raised my body’s natural weight set point, so who knows? When I went in to therapy, I decided that if I could get to under 180, I could be happy with myself because that’s when all of my health problems began- aching hips, back, knees: snoring, cystic acne, etc.

AGAIN- I COULDN’T FIND A WAY TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AS I WAS, BUT SUCH IS THE SICKNESS.

I live in a small town, so I had to just cross my fingers and hope that the therapist I got was a good one, because not many accept my insurance. I got lucky- I saw Risa for about 5 months, built up my self esteem, started standing up for myself and doing good things for me and my body, and she pronounced me “cured”, with the understanding that I could call her if I needed her. That was a proud moment for me because I usually don’t finish things, and it made me feel even better about her as a doctor/therapist because she could’ve taken my money forever (my mother saw a therapist for over 10 years) so I was worried that she would never let me go and I would have to quit and be a quitter. During therapy I started taking daily walks with my dog and started yoga, and I lost a few pounds, between 5-8.

I was still of the mindset that diets don’t work, and that I have to heal my relationship with food and my body, gently, with no punishing diets, Geneen Roth style, Susie Orbach style. I still believe all the things they say- eat when hungry, eat what you are hungry for, eat with no distractions, stop when you are full. I believe what they are saying, but I cannot make it work for me. And try as I might, I cannot accept myself at this weight. Wait, no- I can accept myself at this weight, but I do hate it, and I know with every fiber of my being that this is not me- this is not how I am supposed to be. I will be more comfortable when my joints don’t ache, and I don’t have high blood pressure. So something has to give.

I was gentle as I could be with myself until I got a year of no smoking under my belt- I knew I had to give myself the time to adjust to that. I was angry about the

weight gain, but it’s not like I was surprised- I knew it would happen. I probably would have gone back to smoking if I knew for sure that I would lose those 15-20 pounds. But I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I had to stay the course. 

As soon as I hit the year mark, I heard about “Bright Line Eating”, and it resonated with me. Bright Lines are like boundaries that you don’t cross. Ever. And if you do cross them, you go right back to the boundaries. You resume. Bright Lines were NO SUGAR and NO FLOUR. White Lines. Bright Lines. Addictive as cocaine, flour and sugar are. Made perfect sense to me. There were other bright lines I wasn’t ready to get on board with- weighing your food, eating 3 times per day. Period. Writing down the next day’s food and eating only what you wrote. I didn’t care about those. But no sugar and no flour sounded good. So, starting on Oct 3rd, and weighing 212, I started an atkins-like diet, except I could eat potatoes, rice, fruit and triscuits, although in moderation. I still would have an afternoon snack, but no evening snack. I got used to it pretty quickly, and was feeling good. Decided to weigh every two weeks. After the first 2 weeks, I lost 6 lbs. I was writing down what I ate. The diet looked like this:

Breakfast- 2 cups of coffee with cream, no artificial sweeteners allowed.

6 triscuits with natural peanut butter and a banana.

Lunch- Chef Salad

Snack- 20 raw almonds and 1 babybel cheese

Dinner- Taco meat on arugula

Thanksgiving came and I was worried because my Mom was coming and usually diets go right out the window when Mom comes. I had already decided that I was going to allow myself stuffing and gravy. I didn’t allow myself peanut butter cookies, which I love. I was so proud of myself. But the scale just got more and more depressing. I managed to get to 198.6 (which thrilled me because I love getting under 200- 200 is the number that I really can’t stand), but then 2 weeks would go by with no loss, and then 2 weeks later, 2 pound gain, and then 2 weeks later, nothing. I was like “Really? Already?” When you have 75lbs to lose, you don’t expect to get stalled 10lbs in. That’s part of the problem, too- those pesky expectations. 

Finally, I gave in and broke my bright lines about a week before Christmas. I was tentative at first, but then it was like the “just one cigarette”- yesterday found me swigging liberally at egg nog throughout the day (and there are like 500 calories in a half a cup of eggnog!) Funny thing about eggnog- I was watching “Mike & Molly” the other day- Molly was depressed about something, swigging nog from the container, sitting on the couch near Vince. Vince says “I never understand how you can drink that stuff without the liquor- it’s basically pancake batter!” OMG- I almost peed my pants- it’s so true. But even seeing that didn’t put me off the stuff, unfortunately. But yes- I’ve been eating all of the peanut butter cookies I missed at Thanksgiving, and plenty of chocolate!

Ok- this post is long enough, so here’s the plan:

Plan A- I am going to try HCG drops for the next month- 2 days of carb loading followed by 3 or 4 weeks of a strict diet- no breakfast, except coffee (I must have my coffee), then protein plus veggies for lunch and dinner. If I make it that far, then I have a few weeks of a modified plan to ease me in to regular eating. I can expect to lose 20-30 lbs if I am successful.

After Plan A has been completed (I could do another round, but I have to wait 8 weeks after the original 28 days before trying again), or if Plan A is not completed,

Plan B- Weight Watchers. I’ve never tried it, and I believe that new things work the first time around (like the nicotine patches worked for me). This year I can afford it, I work from home so I can go to the Tuesday 9:30 am meetings. And I love me some Oprah! I love the idea of Weight Watchers because:

1- Supposedly, you can eat whatever you want, nothing is off limits

2- Weekly weigh ins- never done that, either. I would think that keeps you motivated

3- Camaraderie- maybe I can make some new like-minded friends.

Ok- that’s enough for today, I’ll be back tomorrow with the dreaded weight. I haven’t weighed in several weeks, so I’m anxious/worried to see what the number is.

Do you have any goals this year? Let’s do it together!

[within-my-disintegrating-mind]

I’m crying.  A lot.

Right now my situation is as follows:

1) Preexisting anxiety (maxed out on meds already)

2) Preexisting depression (maxed out on meds already)

3) Preexisting chronic pain with misc. untreatable issues. (maxed out on meds aleady)

4) All of the above are currently being exacerbated.  My anxiety is now crippling.

5) My every day level of pain has increased.

6) My depression has spiraled out of control.  

7) In the last year, my health has declined sharply.  And by that, I mean tanked.  I’ve been a walking, living example of Murphy’s law.  What can go wrong, has gone wrong.  I’ve broken my foot.  I’ve gotten pneumonia that lasted almost 2 months.  I’ve had a mystery abscess in the right axilla...started as a bump. turned into terrible cellulitis with a palpable abscess, was put on 4 antibiotics...the cellulitis that eventually resolved and there was the “stripe” across my LL arm.  A bump.  A mystery bump.  That turned into a giant bruise/swelling all over the lower forearm.  It has changed colors, changed amount of swelling, changed from horrible   I have unrelenting pain...it was bad before all of this happened, when it was just the migraines, the shoulders, the TMJ...but with this?  It feels like when I was diagnosed with RSD 7-9th grade.  I went to every doctor imaginable now, my parents put me through torture, not knowing what it was, and ultimately I ended up in agony, daily, back then.  For years.  There was no cure.  There is no cure.  It’s another invisible fucking disease that no one can see and no one understands.  It has painful treatments that may or may not marginally affect the pain level temporarily, which I have tried.  In my last treatment, I’m fairly sure I almost died...I walked out and felt all the symptoms of local anesthetic toxicity, and managed to stumble back in before blacking out.  With my heart racing, my ears ringing, my tongue numb, diaphoresis, and hyperventilating, I thought I really might die.  Lidocaine has a short half life so the symptoms were short lived, but it still scared the shit out of me.  I was scared so shitless.  Between the pain, the anxiety, fear, and the all encompassing sadness, I’m becoming more and more depressed.  I see no hope for myself.  

I don’t want to die, but I do.  I don’t want to live like this.  Practically every moment is torture.  If I’m not being plagued by pain, it’s the anxiety; if not the anxiety, it’s the depression.  A spiral.  I see no end.  Mark would see that and assume I meant, “Mark causes me torture”.  Not the depression, anxiety, and pain.  But Mark.  Mark would be wrong, of course, but he doesn’t care what the cause is, he assumes that it is him.

My doctor has sent me to see a therapist.  Or more accurately, things have gotten bad enough that I have agreed to see a therapist.  His name is Jordan.  I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.  If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t go.  There are too many outside forces in play now.  And the person who is supposed to be my shelter, my rock, my love, is upset with me.  I don’t know the right things to say or do.  

Mark is upset that I won’t share what goes on in my private therapy sessions.  I don’t know about other people, but rehashing what goes on in private therapy sesions doesn’t sound pleasant to me.  I I have something to share I would.  Jordan does couples therapy, if he eels so inclined he can go to that.  Mark told me that he’s upset that I won’t share with him what happens during my therapy.  He finds it offensive that I won’t talk about it.  He feels “left out”.  He is also of the opinion that I find him unattractive , thus we have sex less often, and I initiate less often.  I have a news flash, a fucking news flash...I AM IN THERAPY.  I am DEPRESSED.  I HVE DEBILITATING ANXIETY.  I am in UNBEARABLE amounts of pain.  People kill themselves over the pain that I have.  TMJ/chronic pain/trigeminal neuralgia have the highest suicide rates of other.  My quest to take less drugs is failing because I hurt so badly that I have to take more, just to survive the hour.  And Mark tells me, tonight, that I make him feel “gross” and “unattractive” because I no longer initiate sex. To be clear, it’s because I’m in severe pain.  Because I’m at the bottom of some depressive pit.  Because I can’t handle the anxiety.  It’s because of ME and my problems.  It’s my anxiety, my depression, my problems.  It’s about ME and how I’m feeling, about how I’m hurting, about how I can’t get up and look in the fucking mirror, it’s ME.  Not HIM.  But I don’t understand how this is about him.  I understand how he might feel that way before thinking about all the facts, seeing me the way I am, understanding that I feel like death might be easier at this point than living the way I am now.  But AFTER hearing all that, he still persists in telling me about how I make him feel awful about himself.  He tells me that he has “accepted that I don’t want to do anything or be seen outside with him and he’s ok with that”, he no longer feels lonely or sad when he goes out and does stuff (which he doesn’t necessarily invite me for).  He goes out for a walk on the beach in the cold, without inviting me, and then says I no longer like to go to walk on the beach with him.  That’s not true, I just would rather go on the beach when it’s warmer.  Etc.  He makes it seem like I advertised myself as an ultra extrovert and am not reneging on my advertisement.  I’ve always said I was an introvert.  I have always said that I have trouble with people.  I have always said that I prefer to stay home.  I don’t feel like telling me “I have accepted that you don’t like to do anything with me so I just go and do them and I don’t feel bad about it like I used to, or embarrassed, I just do them by myself” is that conducive to making me feel better.  I don’t think that’s a fair judge of how I feel/how I’m acting/what my options are.  He says that I no longer laugh with him.  That’s not true, firstly, and secondly I don’t laugh as much in comparison to a year ago because of ALL THE SHIT I LISTED ABOVE.  I’m DEPRESSED.  I’m ANXIOUS.  I’m TERRIFIED that I’m going to die from an unknown illness of unknown origin.

I try to be so supportive of him.  I Try to help when I can.  I try to lessen his workload if at all possible.  I offer my advice when I  think it’s being solicited, although recently I don’t think that my advice is going over very well.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  I don’t know what I can do to help him.  I try and see it from his perspective, he’s going through a lot, he’s under a boatload of pressure, he’s taking on too much.  He feels pressure from me whether or not I’m actually pressuring him.  So his misery is caused by me.  His stress is caused by me.  Which causes me stress.  Into this unfortunate spiral.  

Am I supposed to pray for help to figure this out? An I supposed to pray for myself? for him? Should I do nothing and hope for the end, the bottom of the pit?  It has to be the bottom.  Right?  There has to be a bottom?  Scary as shit, that this might not be the bottom.  I Hurt enough to want to die and the pain still has somewhere to go.  Some way to get amplified.  Every time I think I’ve hit the max, the bar gets changed.

Should I be hoping for death?  Put me out of my misery, put him out of his.  if he no longer has to deal with me dragging him down, he will succeed in all his endeavors.  Hard to wish that I get hit by a car when I only leave the house for doctor’s appointments.  

If I become lucky and die in my sleep, from one of the 23523 different things that could happen to me now, please know that I love you google ^ google, Mark.  I’m sorry for hurting you.  I’m sorry for causing you pain, now and in the past.  I’m sorry for failing at life, for having all these things happen to me and not knowing how to deal with them.  I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better friend or female role model to Cailie.  I’m sorry I wasn’t the woman you thought I was.  I’m sorry I didn’t support you better.  I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel more attractive.  I’m sorry that I didn’t feel particularly sexual as my symptoms grew more intense and the pain started taking over my life.  I should have been able to overcome those and give you the sex that you need.  I have always loved you.  I hope you can remember me just as you did during the first few times you met me, before you knew how fucked up I was, and before I fucked you up.  Cremate me and scatter me in the ocean.  Don’t let my parents take my body.  Please don’t tell them how fucked up I have become.   Please tell Nik I’m sorry, tell my Grandma that I love her, and if you can find my sister let her know that I still love her.  Please take care of Onyx and Kimmie.