#THIS CAN BE SERIOUS I'M JSUT NOT BEING SERIOUS RN
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diary152
2/13-14/2024
tuesday - wednesday
hopefully i will recover soon.
but i should have called out, i am like, in serious pain rn, it makes me feel like, i can't do anything, like i can't make music rn, i can't do anything, i just hurt, feels like fire and stuff in my back and on my skin, very tender, i need to sleep like now basically. so not a lot to say, basically working overextended me, and as soon as i got home i basically just kind of have fallen apart in terms of functioning, i can't cook, and idk what to eat, and i am so hungry, or was, when i got home, i was so hungry it felt like i had to puke, i've eaten some snacks but nothing tangible, standing hurts, moving hurts. my body feels really prisonlike rn, everything is hurting as much as it can, or maybe not, not as much as it can, just way more than it should.
anyway, outside of that, here's something good, someone in a server, this woman who knows a lot of whitebelt bands and stuff, she dug this up, today, and the whole yt channel had a bunch of songs off this, so i made it a playlist so people can listen easier. it's really good, great whitebelt, makes me very happy to hear it:
youtube
this has the playlist if you go to it. i really love both of their screams, i need to scream like that a bit more on the album i think. i also like how everything sounds, not as crisp as i'm trying to make things, but maybe i can find a better way to get this sound, i think my saturation idea can help w/ this, at least.
another thing, here's me from work:

wish i were cuter or something but there i am, suffering.
or, not or something, i jsut wish i were cuter and prettier. i look weird and pensive. but that's just cuz of pain probably... i hope.
this album is pretty instructive, in some ways, honestly, like the 2nd song, there's this synth that sounds like a guitar, it has that quality not cuz it's super bright, but cuz it's weirdly sharp and dim. gotta go there for squelchy scrape-y stuff i suppose. i am excited to hear the bigger problem songs, and see what i can do thinking in that direction.
i do just feel like an awful mess rn, i hate being sick, i shouldn't have to ever get sick. what did i do wrong. i don't deserve this . .. god, please take this away.
earlier today i sneezed and felt like my bladder exploded but as i think back on that, i wish i had the presence of mind to imagine the ways that might be a pleasant feeling or something, to imagine it as my gf stabbing me in my belly or something. instead i was just like, confused by all the suffering. the whole shift felt like i was on benadryl and trying to sleep. it was pretty easy though.
anyways i need to freaking sleep and i hope tomorrow my sinus pressure fuckup stuff goes away and i can at least mix without my ears feeling funny. i am in hell . i need to sleep, so
byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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pure vent post cus this shit is taking over my whole fuckin body I swear to GOD!!!!!!
(i'll prob look back at this and feel so cringe/so embarassed, but mayb it good for me to not ignore all my cringe shit lol) BUT FUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 IM OBSESSED WITH SOEMEON WHO ISNT EVEN WORTH IT WHY!!!!!
Like... im at a point now where I can rationalize but also feel. My ratioonal side is still not as powerful as my emotional side. At least that's how I;m looking at it now. And anyway im in this position of being like : these are the reasons that this is purely a delusion, and then the emotional side like trying to convince the ratoinal side that its real, and its worth it and it makes sense. So let me be specific cus i feel like im dancing around it... but i have a coworker who i casually flirt with just at work. We never see each other outside of work, and even at work I don't think we've really had a full on conversation aside from talking about work related shit and the flirtatious comments. And to add another little layer, he was kinda on my radar in the very beginning, way before I even had this obsession (which is VERY new like 2 weeks max). I just wasn't triggered by him until he started to explicitly flirt with me. and that amount of attention IMMEDIATELY flung me into obsession LOL.
so lets play a game: red= bad, yellow= be cautious, green = good basically this is what I know about him. He drinks everynight (red), he is very quiet (yellow), he smokes/vapes (red), he works 6 days a week (red), hes a man (red), he barely talks about himself/mysterious (red), has a nice deep voice (green), has a nice face (green), has a cute smile/laugh (green), is bigger than me (green), serious when necessary and goofy when appropriate (green), very flirtatious when it does happen (green), has taken time to get to this flirtatious stage with him (green), is around my age (green), has bad music taste lol (red), kinda bro-y lolll (red red), kinda graceful/smooth (green), thinks im cute... (green), anddd ya theres more but those are the ones im thinking of rn. So its clear that the red outweighs the greens. And the reds are BIG REDS and the greens are like smaller things. its logical that this is very bad for me... it is just so clear and I can't unsee it. and Im full aware of this.
but for fucks sake im still going to sleep thinking about him and waking up thinking about him, and if im not at work im thinking about when i'll be at work so that i can interact with him and fantasize while i'm working and flirt with him. and get attnetion from him. and then count every single positive encounter we had during our shift together. and noticing the smallest patterns if he has any. and always being aware of his whearabouts during work (i literally actively try to not do this but it is EXTREMELY hard), and when i get near him, LITeralllyy my pussy tingles a bit... LOLLL, and whenever he touches me, that part of my body radiates for the rest of the night, or whenever he makes a sexual joke/flirtatious comment towards me I cant help but cheese really hard, or when i make him flustered with my own flirting, the power i feel... oh that power. its sweeter than the devils nectar... okay anyway getting off track, but like... i'm simping this hard for this dude i jsut described a paragraph earlier?Hes probably just chilling like haha i made a funny joke... shes cute. and then thats it. hes not obsessing ??? I AM!!! like bitch.. get a grip on reality. but like i said. thats the point. I simply DO NOT have a grip on reality LOL. Jesus dude, like having an obsession makes me write and think and be overwhelmed and overstimulated, and want to nonstop talk about the obsession is crazy. Like this whole post is relaxed compared to everything in my head. I could keep talking about it but im gonna chill...
#living with bpd#bpd thoughts#quiet borderline#bpd#actually bpd#borderline thoughts#actually borderline
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I was reading your story about birthing in a college class (love it soooo much) and was wondering, would yoy do like a version of it where reader does leave the class, and makes it to the quad to give birth there, maybe trying to meet up with her partner instead of getting to a hospital?
ooh, I'd love to do a remix of that one, sounds like it could also satisfy a couple of other prompts I've received! This was probably your inspiration for asking but just in case you've never read it (or if someone else reading this hasn't), this sounds a lot like Overdue with No Extension by @bellyloveerotica, another fantastic fic!
(I've got a similar blurb that fulfills a lot of the same prompts that I'm going to post tomorrow but this is the superior one imo so I'm posting this first)
Tags: clothing birth, public birth, fluff (kinda)
Word Count: 1911
Your chemistry prof was the kind of hardass who didn't tolerate lateness, extensions, or anything else that would imply that you have an existence outside of his classroom. One example of these strict policies is that if a student walked in late or left early, he would stop lecturing and stare at them until they found a seat or walked out the door. Of course this drew the attention of every other student as well, though your more sympathetic classmates tended to fix their gaze down at their notes until the staredown ceased.
Now you had never asked about his policy about students going into labour in the middle of a lecture, but the suggestion that you had any priorities other than Chemistry 201 was unlikely to go over well. However, getting up in the middle of his teaching and stumbling your way to the door was probably going to be less disruptive than pushing out a baby during the lecture so you were going to have to take the risk of getting out of the lecture hall before it was too late.
Pretending to continue typing up your notes, you pull up a messenger tab on your laptop to send a quick text to your partner about being in active labour. They immediately call you and you're so grateful you put your phone on silent before coming to class because you didn't want to draw any attention just yet. You text them again, warning them not to call while you're still in class.
💖Lover💖: im omw rn, dont worry!!
💖Lover💖: jsut keep breathing and ill be there soon, i love you!!!
You try to keep your face impassive as you respond to their frantic messaging, telling them not to cause a scene and to just wait outside your classroom until you can find a good moment to slip out.
You: Just wait outside of my lecture hall, I'll meet you in the corridor in a minute
💖Lover💖: are u serious?? how far apa rt are the contractions???
You haven't been able to properly time them through your panicking, but they're not very far apart at all and they hurt really badly. You're trying to pack up as discreetly as you can while texting your partner about the pain, bracing as you feel your belly tighten with your next contraction.
You: Idk, they're pretty close together now
💖Lover💖: but ur water hasnt broken yet, right?
The contraction is an intense one, stealing your breath and drawing all your focus within you before you can respond. You press your palms against your bump and it's rock hard. The pressure builds in tandem with the pain, reaching a new peak that you've never felt and it makes you feel like your baby is just going to slip out of you the second you move. You can feel the pain slowly begin to fade as the contraction ebbs, but the pressure abruptly disappears with a pop, leaving you confused.
You shift in your seat and register two new feelings–that a new, worse kind of pressure has settled low in your hips; and that your sweatpants are wet. You run your hands down your belly and feel that the bump is much tighter and lower, no longer as round as it was when you walked into the classroom. The baby's head is engaged in your pelvis, stretching you open wide.
You: You jinxed me :(
💖Lover💖: what hte fuckk does tht mean?????
💖Lover💖: babe?? did your water break??????
You ignore their increasingly panicked texts as you slip your laptop into your bag, no longer caring about being discreet when you slip out of the classroom. Thankfully you sat at the back, so you stand up and quickly wrap your sweater around your waist before anyone can catch a glimpse of the growing wet spot between your legs.
The professor stopped speaking as soon as you stood up and his eyes are fixed on you coldly. Unfortunately, your escape plan is thwarted by the shifting in your belly as soon as you stand up, gravity pulling your baby's head lower into your canal and making you grunt under your breath. You hold your tote bag in front of you to hide your soaked sweatpants and you take a step forward, waddling to accommodate the feeling of the head between your legs.
Between your flushed face and wobbly gait you're sure a number of your classmates can tell what's going on, but you keep your eyes focused on the door and your partner's anxious face peering through the window. You groan with each step, the twisting of your hips bringing the head lower with a trickle of fluid every time you move. Your contractions seem to be coming much faster without your waters acting as a cushion in your womb and you have one hand supporting the bump as you waddle as fast as you can. The pain is beginning to worsen again and you feel the urge to squat and bear down right in front of the blackboard. Thankfully, your partner opens the door for you and you're able to slip through before you're doubling over into their arms.
They shuffle you away from the window, rubbing your back soothingly. You can hear your professor start speaking again but that's quickly drowned out by your ragged breathing and the pounding of your heartbeat filling your ears. Leaning all of your weight against your partner, you widen your stance to relieve some of the pressure you're feeling in your hips.
"No, no no, stop," they stammer, trying to pull you fully upright. "Don't push, not yet. We can get you to the university hospital, we're not far."
Ignoring your whining, they begin to tow you down the hall past gawking students, cradling your bump with one arm as they push people out of the way with the other. Each step feels like the baby is going to slip right out of you but you manage to stumble alongside your partner and into the bright sunlight of the quad.
"Mmm-mmmmmm.... wait," you groan, pausing on the steps of the building as another contraction begins. Your partner is looking back and forth between you and the parking lot, unsure whether to support you or try and get you to safety. You moan again and they give you their hand to squeeze, breathing deeply along with you. Despite their pleas you can't stop your body from its primal instincts and you feel your walls tightening as the head gets closer to your entrance. You press your head against their shoulder, rocking your hips as you try to fight your urge to push your baby into the world.
Your partner is tugging you towards the parking lot and you follow as fast as you can, keeping your legs spread apart with a hand pressed between them in a futile attempt to hold the baby in. You make it halfway across the grass before the next contraction overwhelms you and you know that it's too late to go anywhere. You stop in your tracks, your spread legs and low center of gravity keeping your partner from pulling you any further. They turn to face you and see that you're squatting down, slowly trying to get to your knees.
"Don't- ohhhh fuck!! Don't try to...uhhnnnnnnn... get me somewhere safe, it's too late!" You can't help but to whine as you give up on getting to the car, resigning yourself to giving birth right where you are.
Their hands settle on your waist as they help you kneel, finally giving in to what they always knew was going to happen. They get on their knees in front of you and let you wrap your arms around their shoulders, keeping you steady as you focus on pushing. You can feel their fingers skimming your bump searching for the drawstrings on your sweatpants, slipping a hand into your waistband to check you.
A finger reaches your folds just as you begin to feel the sensation of being stretched and they look incredibly alarmed. You spread your thighs wider and it feels like the head is pressing against your vulva, causing you to bulge without actually stretching your slit. Your partner slips their finger into you very shallowly, eyes tearing up as they feel the hair on your baby's head in their attempt to stretch you. They slip a second finger into you and spread you open just as you bear down again, causing a sliver of the head to slip through.
You shriek at the sudden burning sensation and your partner massages your pussy as it stretches around the head, applying even pressure to the straining skin. All of the students on the quad are staring at you, some of them are probably recording you as well, but you can't bring yourself to care about anything other than what's going on in your little embrace as you both work to bring your baby into the world.
"Th-uhhhhhhh... baby's coming ouuuut! Hnnnghhhh... hmmmmmm... you need t-ooooohhhhh... to catch it!," you say raggedly and you feel your partner nod and kiss the top of your head.
You can feel yourself getting louder the more you push, the head slipping down into your partner's hand as you bury your face into their neck. Biting against their collarbone is barely muffling your vocalizations and their encouraging words are the only thing you can hear over the sounds you're making. When you try to shift your hips you can feel your partner's hand against your inner thighs as it cups your baby's head. It feels incredibly sticky, your sweat and all those juices soaking into your sweatpants as you give birth into your clothes, but the alternative of getting naked in the middle of campus isn't great either.
The ring of fire is overwhelming now and you can feel your cunt throbbing as the massive head stretches you out. Your partner's massaging of your lips is now causing you more pain than relief but you're too overwhelmed to speak so you just pant and moan against their skin until the next contraction. Despite your hopes, the baby's head doesn't emerge quickly once it has fully crowned and you feel it slip out of you inch by inch and into your partner's waiting palm. Their voice sounds choked up by awe as they press kisses against your face but you can't make out the individual words as you continue to bear down.
Your next push is the worst one yet, you groan with effort but you're not able to get the shoulders out, leaving you stretched wide open. Another contraction hits you and your partner gently turns the baby's shoulders as you bear down. You can feel every second of the burn, each minute movement of your baby and of your partner's fingers skimming against your swollen and aching cunt. One shoulder slides out of you, then the next, and finally your partner catches your baby as it fully slips out. You have to pull down your waistband so that your partner can get the wailing and squirming baby out of your sweatpants. Exhausted and relieved, you collapse against your partner and they bring the baby to your arms. Now that you're holding your child in your lover's embrace you're glad you decided to call them for help; even giving birth in the quad would be better than in chemistry class alone.
#ask#rec#honestly i have like a billion favourite fics but i didn't want an absurdly long rec list#plus a bunch of the authors on my list have a ton of great fics and i didn't want to list their whole libraries lol#but if you're looking for more recs then look through the libraries of the ppl on my masterlist :)#overqueue#ngl i wrote this in one sitting and i totally phoned in the ending#just got sleepy lmfao sorry#also pls tell me if you hated the misspelled texts from the partner#they amused me but idk if they broke immersion#this was partially inspired by a really shitty prof i had who would stop lecturing and stare at anyone who walked in late#needless to say i usually chose skipping entirely over showing up late so i guess it worked#public birth#birth kink#preg kink#birth fic#oc
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Samus gasped at the sight before her. The grocery store full of tiny babies and they’re iN THE COLD!!! They’ll DIE!!!!
“Don’t worry little babies, I will keep you warm.” Samus whispered as she took the chicken eggs from the place on the shelf and lied down, trying to hug them all to keep them warm.
“I didn’t ask to be a mother...” And here you can see a grown woman lying down in the grocery store, hugging eggs and crying a little.
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