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panharmonium · 9 months

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old bookends!au meta that i typed up in a frenzy one night during our last rewatch and then never posted because things disappear in my drafts, but i’m cleaning them out today

under the cut because it’s really only relevant to padmerrie 🙃

“I LOANED IT TO YOU THREE YEARS AGO!!!!!”

this whole sequence is reminding me of a recurring bookends thought i often have which is just that kakashi actually allowing himself to have fights with people who aren’t obito is kind of a big thing for him and a sign that’s he’s (still!) getting better all the time

like - i imagine that bookends!kakashi in the aftermath of obito disappearing goes through a long isolationist period because:

a) he can barely keep his head above water as is and he does not have the time or energy or brainspace for anything that isn’t keeping a child alive and semi-well-adjusted (always at kakashi’s own expense in those early years, because preventing sasuke from becoming “like him” and suffering “like that” is the reason he’s running up that hill, to the point where it’s just. bad for his own personal and emotional well-being but simultaneously a necessary sacrifice that he doesn’t regret and that sasuke will someday recognize for the herculean lifesaving choice that it was)

and b) he’s reeling from the fact that the person who rewired his worldview and taught him to love/trust people abandoned him and left him to drown, and at some point, you know, the lesson about not relying on anyone else sinks in, for a kid whose father killed himself right where little kakashi would find the body, for someone who then grew up in a system of state “care” and fled from it when his one possible way out (minato) was murdered for the entire country to see, who survived on his own and never had anybody to take care of him ever and then got burned by the one person who ever convinced him to give human connections a try again despite all of that - if that person could do him like this, then how is he supposed to trust anybody else to have his back?

if kakashi can’t count on obito, he can’t count on anybody. the stakes are too high here. sasuke is too important. kakashi can’t rely on anyone to Save the Child (read: to prevent the creation of another kid with kakashi’s own brand of trauma) except himself. anyone else is too much of a risk, and he literally does not have the brainspace for "friends” just now.

and then, a little later, when he’s starting to come out of his shell and reconnect with old friends (yamato gai etc) and make new friends for the first time in ages (iruka), he’s still not letting himself be totally free with them, either, because kakashi, as we know, internalizes everything and carries the weight of the past on his back even when the guilt isn’t his to claim, so there is this subconscious piece of him that remembers the last time he lost a friend and is still half-convinced that he was the one responsible for obito disappearing on him (no), and we know kakashi already has this underlying streak of thinking he’s intrinsically less worthy than everyone else, he’s hard to love, it’s hard to be his friend, he’s the trash and other people are the trash collectors cleaning him up and making him better. so he doesn’t let himself be his full authentic self with his new connections either, because that would mean he’d have to have feelings and needs and maybe he would even get sad or upset or angry sometimes, and you can’t DO things like that when there’s no room for error in your life, when every little thing you do might torpedo the tiny bit of stability you’ve cobbled together for yourself, when every little mistake you make might destroy the relationships you’ve started building.

he holds himself to an impossible, inhumane standard, because that’s what he’s always had to do to survive, and his relationships are stunted as a result, because it’s hard to be deep, true friends with a person who’s always wearing a mask, even if said person is doing it to (supposedly) make things easier for you. and it’s hardly fair to the people currently around him, who would never begrudge him his bad days or condemn him for a less-than-proud moment, who would never reject him because he once expressed himself poorly or reacted to being hurt. him withholding those parts of himself is a trust problem on his end, and even though it’s wholly understandable, it impairs his relationships for years. (like - people like gai and yamato have known kakashi long enough to know when he’s doing this, and while gai possesses an impressive level of immunity to kakashi’s behavior, yamato is always second-guessing himself, because if someone is supposed to be your friend, and then they don’t actually trust you to, you know, be their friend, it’s like - “what am i doing wrong?” it’s a constant reminder that you aren’t the intimate friend you want to be, that they won’t let you close that distance, and you have to wonder what is it about you that makes you not enough.)

so i love this image of kakashi, several years on, being for once SO delightfully unrestrained, so quick to speak up when something pisses him off, so ready to risk having the fight. he’s spent so much time swallowing his own feelings and putting his own needs aside and never letting himself be visibly angry or upset about anything (because anger takes energy, anger distracts you from surviving, anger makes you a less effective caregiver [especially to a very angry kid], and if you let yourself be angry about one thing you might suddenly realize that you are angry about a LOT of things, and that will open up a can of worms you can’t repack), so him actually allowing himself to get mad and have a stupid fight with someone who isn’t obito (without expecting said person to bail on him like obito) is like when you see a little crocus nub clawing its way out of the snow and you’re like “oh! that plant isn’t dead after all! look at him go! look at him grow!”

#bookends!kakashi has spent so many years being what other people need him to be that he's still figuring how to be himself #the goofy late-night infomercial purchases and the terrible reality tv shows and the home furnishings that give madara indigestion #the heroic self-sacrificing parent AND the dogs in dumb little sweaters #the trashy literature AND the long-overdue degree hanging on the wall #the baggy sweats with inappropriate text printed on the butt AND the big dreams for a better world #the insane pseudo in-laws he constantly wants to strangle AND the kid he's ready to adopt the minute said kid actually asks #for the first time in his life he's allowing himself to be a whole person #puzzling himself together #one piece at a time #bookends

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poetskings · 5 months

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@jegulus-microfic | April 18: sock | 1.6k

James is sexiled and decides to spend time with Regulus.

There’s a sock on the door knob.

It’s been a long day and James is tired and there’s a fucking sock on the door knob and if he listens close enough he can hear soft grunts.

He’s happy for Sirius and Remus, really, he is, he just wishes that they’d fuck at Remus’ every now and then, and at least keep it to the bedroom.

Sirius and James share a college flat with Peter, Marlene and Lily, so there aren’t many options when they’re all out. Today, James knows that Peter and Lily have chess club, and Marlene’s training for the women’s boat race, so it’s only him who’d be around.

He sighs and turns around, sending Regulus a text as he goes.

Been sexiled – your dorm free?

He’s walking before he’s received a response – he’s almost positive that the answer will be ‘yes’, and he hasn’t seen Regulus in a week, so they’re long overdue a catch up.

Their friendship was one of the more unexpected things to come out of Regulus bucking centuries of Black tradition and instead following in his brother’s footsteps, choosing Cambridge over Oxford. He settled in nicely to Corpus Christi, flying through his first few years as a history undergraduate while Sirius and James chose Trinity instead.

It took a while but slowly and tentatively Sirius and Regulus attempted to heal their relationship, strained by Regulus’ years at Harrow after Sirius packed up and left when he was sixteen, dropping out and enrolling at a local state school instead. They’re much better now; their barbs at each other aren’t quite as jagged. There’s love there, now, rather than just animosity.

As Regulus and Sirius attempted to mend their relationship, James and Remus had been called in early on to mediate, or sometimes it was Regulus’ friends, Evan and Barty, or even Pandora. From those early tentative meetings in neutral territory, new and interesting friendships bloomed, most of all between Regulus and James.

From early study sessions, it evolved into coffee dates and library outings, and when Remus and Sirius sorted their shit out it became even more frequent – the pair never make James feel like a third wheel, but nonetheless they deserve time to themselves, even if James would prefer for them not to fuck on every and any available surface in their dorm.

Regulus is a comforting presence for James; he doesn’t demand anything of him. James is naturally an extrovert; always the centre of a room, but sometimes he needs to recharge, and Regulus lets him do that. He reminds James of calm waters on a spring day, and whenever James needs to quiet his mind, he finds the youngest Black. He only hopes he offers Regulus some of the same comfort in return.

That, and maybe something more. Maybe he hopes that one day there’s a sock on his door knob, and that the reason is Regulus..

James is drawn out of his thoughts as his phone dings.

Sure – text me when you’re here, will come meet you

It’s a five-minute walk but James makes it there in two, calling Regulus to get him to buzz him in. He’s a familiar figure amongst the second years at Corpus, and he’s pretty sure a few of them will have also texted the youngest Black to alert him to James’ presence.

The college door opens and Regulus emerges, dressed in sweatpants and a Trinity rowing sweatshirt that James left last time he was over. He’s so lovely, James thinks, an impulse he doesn’t know how to control; isn’t sure he wants to control it.

“Sexiled, huh?” Regulus holds the door open as James steps through, falling into step with each other and walking up a flight of stairs to reach Regulus’ dorm. It’s empty, although that isn’t uncommon for Regulus. Barty and Evan hold unsociable hours, and Regulus, Pandora and Dorcas have a frankly insane amount of extracurriculars to attend, so they’re rarely together.

“There was a sock on the front door and I’m pretty sure I could hear noises so I didn’t want to risk it,” James says, settling himself in the kitchen, finding Regulus’ mug and a new one with a deer in glasses; a ‘congratulations’ for James’ performance in the inter-college boat races that’s become a permanent fixture in Regulus’ dorm.

He locates the teabags; Yorkshire for James, organic for Regulus, before turning back to the mugs.

“I don’t blame you – those two seem to spend more time fucking than not – it’s a minor miracle they get any work done,” Regulus chuckles, gently bumping James’ hip to get to the fridge, taking out his oat milk and James’ rice milk.

They settle into the routine like it’s second nature; they’re familiar with each other in a way that’s almost intimate. They stand together waiting for the kettle to boil, perhaps a bit too close for it to be entirely platonic, but James isn’t going to move away if Regulus doesn’t.

He always feels like they’re teetering on the edge of something more than what they are, something better, but for all of James’ bravery, he isn’t sure how to make the next move, and he doesn’t want to wreck this peace that Regulus and his brother have been working so hard on.

“So, how was your day?” Regulus asks, tilting his head to better look at James. He looks unbelievably soft in James’ jumper and James thinks that if he just moves his pinkie he can link it with Regulus’.

“Exhausting. I had rowing first thing and a few readings to do for my supervision that I’d completely missed,” James sighs. He loves his degree but he’s never been as organised as Regulus, who seems to have work done almost before it’s set. “Also, I spent a solid ten minutes looking for that jumper.”

A light blush creeps up Regulus’ cheeks at that. “Sorry, you left it here after practice last week so I washed it but completely forgot to text you.”

A smile falls across James’ face. “You’re fine, Reg, and besides, it suits you. I guess I should get myself a Corpus one to match, huh?” He smirks as the red of Regulus’ cheeks becomes more pronounced.

The kettle whistles and Regulus turns away from James to fill their cups. “James Potter, behave yourself.” He hip checks James again, this time with a bit more force. Except he doesn’t move back. He stays there, leaning against James, and James feels like his entire body’s a livewire.

The tightrope they’re walking is getting more taut, and James finds himself eager for the fall.

“But Regulus, dearest, where’s the fun in that?” He leans forward, entirely too close for it to be platonic, and Regulus is turning, turning-

“Ow! Fuck!” James forgot about the fact that Regulus was holding a kettle of boiling water, and he’s paying for that now. Water splashes over the counter as Regulus rushes to put the kettle down, taking James’ hand and leading him over to the tap.

He turns the cold water tap on, letting it flow over their entwined hands. He is too still, too silent, and James wants to go back to where they were. He wants the tightrope back. He wants to fall.

He can be brave, he thinks, if it means he gets to have something with Regulus.

Regulus is staring intently at their entwined hands, like it’s the most fascinating thing in the universe, and James breaks the silence.

“Reg-”

“What are we doing, James? We’ve been tiptoeing around each other for weeks and it’s driving me insane and I want to be around you all the time and I think I’m already half in love with you so I’d love if you can clear up what this is,” he states, false bravado injected into his tone, but James can hear the tremors. He’s so nervous, but so brave. Regulus Black, the Lion Heart.

It takes a while for the words to register in James’ head.

Oh.

James removes his hand from the running water, ignoring the slight sting and the inevitable burn that will be left. He cups Regulus’ cheek, forcing the younger boy to look at him. Regulus is terrified, but so hopeful.

“Reg, I- I want-” James runs his hand through his hair in frustration. He can’t get his words out.

“Jamie?” Regulus’ voice is so soft, as though he’s worried he’ll scare James off, and the only thing James can do is kiss him.

Regulus’ lips are rough, a bit chapped from where he nibbles on them when he’s nervous. He tastes of tea and cinnamon and James wants to devour him. There is nothing soft about it. James’ tongue darts out, soothing Regulus’ lips, and the younger boy lets out a moan that’s pure filth and ecstasy and James is falling, falling, fallen.

He wants to do this forever.

His hands find their way to Regulus’ waist, tracing the skin underneath the Trinity sweater that’s been driving James insane since he first saw Regulus wearing it. It’s his, it’s him.

They break apart to breathe and James attaches his lips to Regulus’ neck, marking, claiming. He can’t think beyond this moment, beyond the boy in front of him.

“Jamie, we should- we need to-” he cuts himself off, broken sighs escaping his lips as he tangles his hands in James’ hair.

James reluctantly removes himself from Regulus’ neck, taking the boy’s face in his hands. “Do you want this, Reg? Do you want me?”

Regulus’ eyes trace James’ face, and whatever he sees softens him.

“Always, Jamie.” And James is lost.

They’ll talk about it later, as the sunlight paints the walls of Regulus’ room, but this is enough for now. For ever.

And if Barty finds a sock on the door knob when he comes back from the library, well, that’s between him and Regulus.

#jegulus #regulus black #James potter #starchaser #marauders #marauders era #sunseeker #jegulus microfic #dead gay wizards #si writes #will I ever figure out how to write a microfic that's actually micro? doubtful.

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