#That people don’t come here to see my depressive episodes. That I’d be better to just keep it to myself.

[scary-friend]

Current Mood

it’s literally midnight but here I go

[greenskellyblob]

9 people I’d like to know better

Tagged by; @thefloatingstone

Last song; Achilles Come Down by Gang of Youths, I’ve been listening to this song relentlessly a year ago, and it still frequently pops up when I let youtube radio do its thing. I’m not gonna complain!!! It’s still a banger! I’ve just googled it and realized it is a song in an album, and I never listened to the whole of it. Huh. I should do that sometimes.

Anyways, here’s the song:

Currently watching: Just finished Community and the last season of Black Mirror. I finally know where some memes come from now!!! I’ve been seeing Community memes around and I never knew TwT. Consider me enlightened now. I really enjoyed it, all the characters there are stupid and unhinged and taking their stupidity seriously and I loved it! V good, v nice way to spend the time.

On the other hand, this season of Black Mirror kinda dissapointed me? There was one episode I REALLY LOVED (Demon 79, the last one, hell yeah the ending!!!!! WOOO!!!!), the first one (Joan is awful) was kinda neat, Loch Henry was depressing and I laughed out loud at how one character died because it is SO STUPID, Mazey day was boring, and Beyond the Sea was the biggest bullshit I ever saw. Such a big old dump!!!!! Something Extremely Traumatic happens to one character on a very important mission, and the Earth command doesn’t even get them to talk to a therapist. Also a lot of dick measuring going on there. Also shitty ending nobody could have predicted (sarcastic). Just, ugh. Sorry about the vagueness but I don’t want to spoil people who haven’t watched it yet. But if you want to watch only one episode of season 6, make it the last one :D 10/10

Also I’ll be cheeky and say I just finished the VOD of C-Puff’s ( @thefloatingstone‘s) stream :3 Can’t wait to see more!!!! And, please, don’t apologize for lore dumps they are delightfull and I finally have a streamer I can watch and not feel like I’m missing most of the story/worldbuilding. You know what? Everyone, have a link for that too. For some reason it doesn’t let me embed it?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqmuA_WcAlQ

Currently reading: Nothing in particular, my brain is once again in the reading slump. I guess comics would count, actually? In that case, an absolutely amazing comic called “Tiger, Tiger” by @pepurika. It has two very gay siblings, A giant bisexual (?) himbo, an old god’s child (they are very chaotic and very, very gay from what I understand) and cool old ships. ALSO SEA SPONGES!!!! Sea sponges are very important. They literally drive the plot okay! There is ship stealing, identity theft, deals with gods, marvelous scientific discoveries and much, MUCH more, all in the name of sea sponges! The main character got hyperfixated as a child and went unhinged, and if that sounds relatable to you, you’ll enjoy her :) Also everyone there is very smart and capable and yet you have to wonder where they keep their braincells because they are all also??? Kinda dumb??? In incredibly relatable ways. Heccking 10/10 comic. I have to read it all from the beginning because I can’t wait for the last book to come out asaajudzgigui the suffering is sweet tho.

I slapp’a link your way. Go read, you’ll have a really good time (this is a threat)

https://www.tigertigercomic.com/tiger-tiger/001

[marley-manson]

been distracted with other stuff but finally went back and finished The Most Unforgettable Characters

It does feel very appropriate as their first fight: Hawkeye accusing BJ of spreading malicious rumours and maligning his character, being disloyal, BJ accusing Hawkeye of overreacting and “always has to come out on top, always has to get the last word in.“

So I think BJ’s accusations say more about BJ than they say about Hawkeye, but I will admit that they work as foreshadowing for the episodes Inga and Commander Pierce. It could be the show trying to seed potential Hawkeye flaws to explore later, that like... they failed to effectively deliver on lol. But in fairness he is immature in those eps and I don’t think the immaturity specifically is what’s OOC about them, so I can accept it.

But I do think that, intentionally or not, that particular foreshadowing works better on BJ’s behalf for episodes like eg Heroes and Stars and Stripes and Wheelers and Dealers and Period of Adjustment and even potentially the episodes where he derides Hawkeye’s campaigns like Give em Hell Hawkeye or Depressing News - the ones that touch on BJ’s inferiority complex and resentment of Hawkeye being the leader to his follower.

(Also BJ’s kind of right in a general sense about Hawkeye overreacting to stuff, but ykw, love Hawkeye, love his emotional intensity or gtfo, and that accusation certainly foreshadows his attitude towards Hawkeye in episodes like Rally Round the Flagg or Back Pay. “You want me to apologize for being more rational than you are?”)

When it comes to Hawkeye’s accusations though, BJ does end up making a side hobby out of spreading rumours and maligning other people’s characters lol, if less casually and earnestly and more mischeviously than he does here, so Hawkeye’s kind of got his number in this ep.

And again I’m biased lol but I do think BJ is the one who comes across as more in the wrong, though the show obviously wants me to see them as even. But come on, BJ casually deciding to air his genuine grievances about Hawkeye to the guy they hate to sell the fight? If I was Hawkeye I’d be pissed off too lol, Hawkeye’s reaction may have been childish but I don’t think it was an overreaction. Frankly he comes across as magnanimous when he’s the first to drop it once Radar gets upset (and he deserved that last ‘getting the last word in’ dig lol)

And on that note, I think it’s interesting that Hawkeye and BJ don’t actually solve anything. It’s a pretty petty fight tbf, there’s not a lot to solve, but like, it also fits their pattern later on. Whenever they fight they rarely resolve anything, they just decide fighting sucks because they’re emotionally reliant on each other so they stop.

Anyway, aside from the fight, Frank being genuinely touched that they faked a fight for his birthday was adorable and then screaming at Radar for ruining it right after was hilarious; less a fan of Klinger’s subplot which swerves firmly to the side of mocking him for his escape attempts and framing Potter as the cool Roadrunner to his Wile E Coyote, which sucks. Radar was adorable. And “nah, who’d believe I couldn’t take a noodle like you out in one punch? You’d better fight Radar,” is a great addition to my collection of jokes in which BJ reaffirms his own masculinity often in comparison to Hawkeye.

At the end of the day I’m into this episode for being an early instance of BJ’s intriguing flaws, even though I don’t think he’s intended to be quiiiite as interesting as they made him here lol.

[tenshinokorin]

All right, folks, I'm going to tell you a story about why we need to teach people--especially cis males of a certain age group--to keep their goddamn mouths shut on the street when they feel they have some pearl of wisdom to drop about a stranger's appearance. This is, of course, mostly about me being fat and female-presenting, so it will bring up stuff about fatphobia, street harassment, and various other things. It's also about Stevie Nicks. Mostly, it's because this happened last month and is still bothering me, and that means I've missed my window to magically forget about it, so it has to go on file now with all the other fun street harassment encounters over the years that are likewise taking up valuable space in my brain and that come up to haunt me every time I think about going for a walk on a nice day. So maybe if I can unload this here I can go back to wearing my favorite sweatshirt in peace. 

For starters, I have a Stevie Nicks sweatshirt. I got it on clearance last year and like to joke that it is, in fact, the LEAST SteevishNickery kind of garment to have her face on it, which I think is really funny, like having a reproduction of the Sistine Chapel roof painted on the underside of your tool shed. It's also very soft and oversized and comfy, and it makes my on-the-spectrum brain feel safe and hugged without being smothered. That's a really big deal. It is in no way a flattering garment, and I do not care. I can deal with shit better if I have Stevie emblazoned on my tits, because how could you not feel better with that kind of protection? I've loved her since I was a kid, and of course loved her style as well, although as a fat girl in the 80's my options for imitating her look were limited. The sweatshirt is like a shortcut, though. I have worn this sweatshirt to the emergency room at midnight, I have worn it for days on end during depressive episodes, I have worn it to scary doctor appointments. I might not be able to face stuff myself sometimes, but hey, if Stevie's with me, I feel a little bit better. 

On the day in question I was wearing this sweatshirt because my parents were visiting. That should tell you all you need to know about my relationship with my parents. Especially since I tend to overdress on these occasions to try and preemptively fend off my mother's criticism about my appearance. This time, I said fuck it, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm wearing Stevie. I'd been out to lunch with my wife and my folks, and since we'd parked downtown a ways from the restaurant and my mom is a little wobbly, I'd gone to go get the car and pick up everybody. 

So I'm walking up a busy downtown street to my car, my brain full of cold meds and the things that it's full of when you're managing aging parents and a relationship minefield, just trying to get the car so my wife won't be left on her own with them too long. And in the corner of my eye I see this guy. And I know. I know by the look of him that he's winding up what he thinks is a real zinger, and I also know by the look of him that he doesn't have the sense to keep his trap shut. I'm in my 40s, I've been fat my whole life, and you develop a sixth sense about these things. I know I don't have time or energy to deal with this kid, so I just keep trucking on to my car, but sure enough as I go by I hear him say: "Wow, it's like a Stevie Nicks made out of a thousand Stevie Nickses." 

I do not have time to deal with this asshole. My mom is right now standing on a street corner with my wife, probably asking her awkward questions about her mental health. I do not have time to whirl on this kid and tell him to shut his fucking face before I put it through the comic-shop window. I do not have the energy to tell him I'm old enough to be his mom and if I was I'd be ashamed to own up to it. I do not have the space to tell him--also fat, only barely groomed and dressed like a drunk toddler--he's no fucking prize himself. I just have to get to the car. 

Only now, my precious Stevie shirt is covered in his invisible shit. I try to reason out of it: maybe it's some Stevie meme I don't know, and he's doing that dumb thing where someone tries to strike up a conversation by referencing something they assume everybody knows, but even if that was the case, I know what's really going on. I had the gall to be walking down the street alone while being fat and female and unsmiling, and some manchild had to let me know what he thought about my body. 

I get in the car. I pick up my family. I go out and spend the day with them. And the whole time this event is still running on a background process in my brain, trying to extract the toxin, or at least dismiss it, so I can forget about it. There's plenty going on, so I think if I can focus on other stuff maybe the encounter will be overwritten and I won't remember it. My favorite safe shirt won't be ruined. 

It doesn't work, of course, or I wouldn't be writing this. I have no idea what we did after I picked them up, or anything in the hours between then and dinner. Memories with my family (problematic as they can be, but still very loved and not seen very often), are blotted out by this fleeting episode. And even though the sweatshirt's been washed multiple times since then and I have never seen that guy again, even though the whole thing took less than ten seconds, there it is, forever, in vivid color every time I wear or even think about my favorite shirt. And coming with it are all the other sidewalk occasions I don't want to remember either, when boys or men would scream at me about my ass from their car windows or from the safety of their groups, when for days after I would analyze everything I had been wearing, how I had been standing or walking, whether or not I was wearing too much makeup or not enough makeup, trying to figure out what I had done to deserve to be the target of ridicule. 

But I hadn't ever done anything except be fat, and nobody deserves mockery and abuse for that. Not you, not me, and not my poor Stevie sweatshirt hiding in my closet. I feel like Mabel Pines being sad about her sweater with the dog dunking a basketball because Pacifica said it was dumb. It's grade-school stuff and shouldn't even be there, either. Nobody should have to put up with this. 

Don't be that guy. Don't let your friends or your kids or anyone be that guy. You want to say something about my shirt? Say "Nice shirt" or "Stevie Nicks is a goddamn Queen." Or maybe just don't say anything at all. 

[headaching]

nothing to see here just me saying ilysm and hope you’re doing well and if not i hope good things come to you soon because you deserve them all okay bye 💖💖💖

nellie……..you have no idea how many times ive opened this intending to answer it but i just………UGH i can’t even begin to describe how much this message means to me. how much you mean to me!!!!! 🫶

im actually doing better than i have in years, and i am truly grateful for all of the positive things that have happened to me this year, including continuing my tenure on tumblr dot com with incredible people like you <3

but something i learned recently is that i have a difficult time processing all emotions, not just negative ones, so having this blog easily gets emotionally overwhelming when i receive so much kindness and friendship from all of my friends here and can’t quickly and adequately return it. that’s why im really bad at replying to everyone in every form, from asks (this one is like a week old now), to messages, letters, ao3 comments, etc. and i worry it comes off as if i don’t care when the reality is that i care so much that i literally don’t know what to do with it.

also ive been going through a depressive episode recently! that’s why ive been gone and taken an extra long time to respond to things. i didn’t want to push myself to post when i don’t have the energy, but it’s the last day of 2022 and i’d be remiss not to let y’all know what you mean to me :’)

sorry for using your ask as an opportunity to air out how ive been feeling for a little while but i love you very much and you deserve a world of happiness. i hope you have an amazing new year my love 💕

[thealieninhiding]

What A Year! 2022 in review - Part 1

A year of self-discovery, found fanmily, new favourites and new fandoms

My (a)sexuality and Legends Of Tomorrow

A random discussion in Nov 2021 with my (queerphobic) aunty reminds me of a comment my youngest sister made years ago which prompts me to investigate asexuality. It sounds like me but not sure I understand it idk, still have to think about it. I’ve gone back and forth over the years, am I straight, bi, a late bloomer, broken, is it my autism?

I don’t think of it about it again until Legends of Tomorrow 7x10 The Fixed Point airs, I truely cannot overstate how much this meant to me. While my cursory glance at asexuality left me wondering but confused this on the other hand; understand myself so much more, I feel seen, I don’t feel broken. Stuck in my throat are the words “that’s me,”, words I still can’t seem to say. I don’t know if my mum who’s watching the show with me understood, I don’t know if she saw my tweets later but I still can’t say the words, I don’t know why. I want to look more into asexuality but am still depressed so I don’t do it right away.

The penultimate episode of Legends of Tomorrow airs and I watched most of the episode thinking this would make a beautiful ending if the last episode fixed a few different things (a better end for Zari, real!Alun, etc) then I would love it as a series finale. I always worry about Legends of Tomorrow come renewal time. Then finale of Legends of Tomorrow airs; I love it but it completely fucks with the ‘I’d be okay if they ended here’ vibe I was getting from the previous episode. I take this and Booster Gold’s introduction to mean they are confident in renewal. I do contemplate if a little fan editing on the last 2 episodes could make it a conclusive ending. Which if I had the skills and equipment I would still like to do. When Legends of tomorrow is canceled I take to twitter to campaign.

It’s my first pride month knowing I’m ace. I up my #SaveLegendsOfTomorrow tweet game focusing on the amazing queer rep. I start to interact with the other campaigners but I’m shy. I look more in to asexuality something still seems to not fit. I find that many ace people IDed as bi or pan before finding out about asexuality. I also learn about the split attraction model and oriented aces. I find a new label that fits me biromantic. But I am still trying to reconcile my experience with those shared by other ace people, there’s still something missing, something that doesn’t line up with most others stories I read. I finally find what I am looking for, the missing piece, while lurking on reddit someone explaines what aegosexual is and these parts really clicked:

A disconnect between a person's self and the target of their arousal. Fantasising but envision people other than themselves, and/or view it in third person – as though they're watching it on TV, rather than imagining it in first person, through their own eyes.

Predominantly—or exclusively—fantasize about fictional characters or celebrities in place of people they know personally. Described like a spectator who enjoys sports, though has no desire to participate in the game itself.

-from The Asexuality Handbook and Sexuality Wiki

And like the last 2 labels I’m validated. And I finally make sense. Pride month comes to an end and I am whole.

The WBD merger and the subsequent cancellations leave me demoralised about saving Legends but I’ve found a fanmily I don’t want to give them up. When James Gunn tweeted out recognition of the campaign it gave me back my hope but honestly throughout it all the fanmily has be such fun I have thoroughly enjoyed goofing of with them, my year would not have been the same with out them 🫶. I also owe them for getting me to watch A League of Their Own.

EDIT - 1 week Later: ohhh okay yeah I’m aegoromantic too. So I’m Bi Aroace (Aego) and I made flags

ALOTO

After seeing this show in my tl constantly for 2 weeks I finally watch A League of Their Own. HOLY SHIT!!! I think I’m in love 😍 This show has changed me.

I instantly loved everyone, each character’s intro was brilliant, especially Max and Clance’s it really let you know the characters and that the show isn’t going to whitewash history and will also centre black voices. This show should be taught as a how to do representation in period pieces and on how to remake a film in to a series, centring marginalised voices, intersectionality, the underground worlds where they created for themselves, not shying away from the discrimination and violence but also showing the joy that people managed to carve out for themselves. The trauma and the joy beautifully interwoven.

Carson and Max’s dual stories complemented each other, showcasing the stark contrast of how a black woman and a white woman could interact in the world and showing how individual a queer journey is. Max and Carson’s stories have so many parallels, they are at different times polar opposites, mirrors, and echos of each other. Each at a different point in their journeys as both baseball players and as queer people. By utilising parallels the show drives home it’s themes; found family, following your dreams, determination and perseverance, being true to yourself. The most beautiful example of the parallels, the stark differences and the wonderful way the show’s storytelling is interwoven and intercut is of course episode 6, this has been analysed to death of course so I’ll leave that to the others.

Greta is an amazing complex character, her feminine mask, her anxiety and fear, her true self under the mask and walls she carefully maintains underneath the anxiety and fear. She didn’t want to fall in love, she didn’t believe she could love again, she wouldn’t let herself love again, wouldn’t let herself or someone else get hurt. But even constantly reminding herself that Carson was married, using it was a way to distance herself and to push Carson away, reminding herself that they only have the season, telling herself that she can’t, that she shouldn’t, she falls in love. When Joey is hurt and traded her flight instincts kick in, they usually leave at this point, they wouldn’t even let it get to this point, but of the course of the season Jo has found something, something worth sticking around for, and deep down so has Greta, but she is too scared she has to run, she can’t see someone else put away, she can’t be put away.

Shirley’s (aka me) arc was fantastic, I am 100% on board with OCD hc (also on board with autistic Carson hc), her fears that she would catch the gay was an ever present reminder that even among friends it’s not safe. She trusts Carson above all else, her reaction of betrayal and fear when she finds out about Gretson was terrifying and sad. I wanted her to accept it, to understand, I was praying she would sign her name on the wall, a sign it would be okay. The pay off of her questioning every fear she ever had was perfection.

Clance (aka my fictional BFF) is the funniest most wonderful person, she supports Max with all her heart, she will fight to the death for Max. She is pure and amazing. Just like Shirl her attitudes towards queer people are ‘of the time’ I think it was a great choice to have the characters that love and support the leads be some of the loudest queerphobic voices, showing how complex people can be and how complex navigating in the world is. I hope. Clance will be as open minded as Shirley.

I could go on, I love this show so much, I am afraid that it will be canceled, this year has not been kind in that regard.

[skellakakella]

sometimes I feel like two different people. (Rant)

Before you go diagnosing me with random shit; I’ve done so much research on so many things but haven’t found anything that matches my “condition”. Things like BPD and DID etc.

So overall, I’d say I’m not that great of a person. I’m selfish, rude, stubborn, picky, spoiled, judgmental, and overall a terrible vibe ngl. Now, heres where it gets tricky, because that’s only when I’m in a bad mood. When I’m upset, I’m UPSET.

When I’m content, happy, or just not feeling negative? I’m pretty nice. I can share things I have. I won’t be too critical or rude about most things. If you feed me poorly made food or something, I’ll eat it and be grateful. And I’m just pretty chill in general. I love who I am when I’m happy. I’m lovely when I’m happy.

But again, when I’m upset I almost become someone else. Someone who I wouldn’t spend time with. Someone who I’d hit upside the head with a metal baseball bat. It’s demoralizing and almost dehumanizing. I feel like a shell of myself when upset. Like a caricature of myself created by taking all my bad qualities and then shaping them to look like a human.

I’ve always said I had a bad temper but now I’m thinking I could have a condition. I’ve thought about myself being Bipolar, but I don’t have any manic episodes or hypomanic anything. Honestly it pisses me off. I’ve searched and searched the internet with all my questions about this subject but no answer. No solution. No help.

the only “answer” I’ve found is that I’m just a bad person. WHICH IS POSSIBLE. In fact, it’s highly probable. my morals have always been questionable. My motives have been extremely selfish before. My thought processes and justifications for mistakes and bad actions have always been quick to show up. I’ve defended things and people, that I shouldn’t have. I know I’m not a good person, but to know I’m a bad person is entirely different. It’s hard to come to terms with.

But at every condition I research, I always find things that don’t line up with my experience being this way.

I would like therapy, but a few things:

I’m too embarrassed to ask for it (I can’t afford it by myself, and admitting I need it is seen in my brain as admitting I’m a horrible abusive human or something.)

I’m probably too stubborn and not ready to change. It would be wasted money.

I’m scared of being wrong about having brain problems and I’m instead just a bad person, therapist seeing that and telling me that I’m wrong, then I take it to heart that I’m just horrible and one thing leading to another, I wind up doing something drastic and more terrible.

I just

I need someone to connect to and I don’t have that.

I’m not a suicidal person but when I get down in the dumps, I sometimes wish I wasn’t born. It’s depressing but it feels right to think that about myself because I don’t like bad people. And I’m a bad person. Idk. I need to get this out of my system before I take it out on someone I care about. Because if I do, I’ll then try to justify it and make it not my fault, when it is.

I strayed wayyy off topic but oh well. If you’re reading this, I hope you have a better day than I do lol

goodbye for now. I’m done writing.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m a few years younger than you, and like you (iirc) I struggled with a good deal of depression in my 20s. In the decade+ since then I’ve always just thought of my inability to do tasks and frequent lack of motivation as like a “background depression” kind of thing. I didn’t have any of the depressed feelings, but I’ve always just associated that kind of mental fatigue with being depressed.

In the past couple of years I’ve really started wondering more about adhd as I’ve seen more people talking about it and found myself identifying with a lot of it. I’ve thought about getting evaluated, but I always just keep coming back to writing it off due to my history of depression and keep thinking a doctor would probably do the same. So I was just wondering if that’s come up at all for you, either in your evaluation process or getting medicated or anything. This whole process has been really interesting and enlightening to read about, so thanks for all the partying you’ve done!

It actually did come up, because here's the thing: ADHD is apparently frequently misdiagnosed as depression. Particularly in women, who have lower ADHD diagnoses overall (for primarily sexist rather than biological reasons) but not uncommonly in men, as well.

They share a lot of traits: depression causes lethargy (lack of executive function), and you can feel numb (depression can manifest as numbness rather than sadness) because your brain is trying to shut out the constant stream of inputs you're receiving that you either can't sort or are sorting too efficiently. If you "act weird" socially because you're wired a bit different, that can lead to isolation, and if you “can't seem to get your shit together” because of your disability, that can also lead to low-self worth, and both of these things cause depression.

I think we sometimes forget that depression can exist as a result of actually being sad about something, not just as a condition on its own. You can Have Depression for no reason but you can also Have Reasons To Be Depressed.

So especially if you haven't been extensively treated for depression -- I've never been medicated for it and left therapy (voluntarily) at eighteen -- but even if you have, whoever is diagnosing you for ADHD may see your depression as evidence of ADHD. And honestly, any specialist that automatically rules out ADHD or Autism because of a diagnosis of depression is not a specialist you should be trusting. Maybe you don't have ADHD, but it shouldn't be ruled out just because you have a diagnosis of depression.

I don't know if I ever actually had the depression I was diagnosed with. Maybe I did! Maybe I do! What I know is that there came a point where I felt like I kinda had life figured out, I was looking after myself and holding down a good job and doing okay socially -- and that’s the point at which I stopped having severe depressive episodes. The episodes I did have became progressively milder. Even when I was really, really struggling in early 2022, I didn’t feel depressed. I was just not doing very well and aware that something was really wrong with me.

And that too stopped the week I started taking Adderall. 

My standard dose is 10mg per day, sometimes 20 if it's a long work day, and even on that relatively low dose my to do list is the shortest it's been in years, my home is cleaner than it’s been since I moved in, and I'm doing better at work than I have in about six months. I don’t know what the long-term effects will be, since my depressive episodes were down to maybe twice a year if that and I’ve only been on the drug for two months, but even if they do come back I’m radically more prepared for them now. 

So I’d say talk to a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and/or diagnosis of neurodiversity, and if they rule you out automatically due to depression, talk to a different psychiatrist. I’m not saying shop around until you get a diagnosis, just talk to someone who’s not willing to automatically say no. Good luck, however it turns out -- depression is a real thing too, and should have compassionate and effective treatment, so even if you don’t have ADHD it’s good to know what your options for depression are.  

[imsadstuff]

Fated To Be

> Namjoon runs into his old high school friend while getting a flu shot, and Yoongi is confronted with his crush again. A simple yet complicated slice of life story about teenagers turned adults who grow, change and fall in love all over again!

Pairings: Idol!yoongi x fem!reader Genre: fluff, slice of life, mutual pining, idol!au, just two idiots in love Warnings: sexual themes, overdose and drug usage themes, drink with caution kids Word Count: 12k+ Author's Note: Writing this got me out of a depressive episode, so hope this comforts you as well :) I'm so sorry I don't have the time to proofread this given how busy I'm with life and work, please ignore the mistakes...

“No, I’m invited to a party so I’m going to go out and drink and you guys have to work” you tease as you zip up your little-too-tight dress. “How does one get invited to a party?” Jihyo asks as she curls your hair, “You run into a high school friend when he comes to the hospital to get a flu shot” it was fun to run into Namjoon again, he’s very famous and still the same somehow. You’re both much older now, but he’s still the same Namjoon that convinced you to join the math club, that you were too stupid for. “So, I can’t know who invited you or where you’re going, is it some kind of sex party” Jihyo asks in a very serious tone as it can actually be a possibility. “It’s a birthday party as far as I know and to be honest, I wouldn’t mind a sex party” with the last swipe of some lipstick you’re ready and slip into your heels for a night of drinking and foot cramps. Ringing the bell, you fixing your hair one last time when Namjoon swings the door open squealing your name. “Wow you’ve had a drink or two,” you remark pulling away from the hug he engulfed you in. “I am the birthday boy, I’m allowed as many drinks I’d like like”

Namjoon is dressed in the most dashing sweater and the cutest cap to let everyone know that he, in fact, is the birthday boy. “Of course, happy birthday you big giant birthday boy” the last time you saw him, he was a nerdy thin student, now he’s a jacked rich dude who lives in the lavish apartment and it’s quite a shock. “I brought some wine, and a few books I’ve been enjoying” this has Namjoon smiling eye to eye. After several introductions and some more small talk, Namjoon disappears leaving you in a crowd full of people you don’t have much in common with. After a few minutes of lingering by the snack table and refreshing your drink, you are startled by someone poking your shoulder. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to startle you” it takes you a second to puzzle out, but it’s a face you haven’t seen in over ten years. “Oh My God, Yoongi?” placing your drink down you quickly engulf him in a tight hug. “Namjoon told me he ran into you, how are you?” the years have done Yoongi good because he’s much more muscular and sturdier than you remembered him to be. “I am going amazing, I moved back to Seoul a few months ago so it’s nice to be back home” Yoongi nods looking you up and probably analysing how much you’ve changed. “Also, congrats on being rich and famous, my niece is a huge fan” you tease and he lets out a small shy laugh hiding his face behind his drink. “And you are a nurse who’s afraid of needles?” he teases remembering the time you got flu shots together. “Well I am still afraid when being poked with a needle, but I’m much better now” you continue the joke polishing off drink number two, and you can’t see yourself but your cheeks are flush red. You spend the rest of the night catching up with each other, and how life is so much better and worse somehow. “Did you drive here?” Yoongi asks as the party starts to empty after Namjoon loudly sings happy birthday for the nth time. “Yes, and god was it a bad idea” Yoongi has been serving you some amazing whiskey and you have long forgotten the drinking cap you promised to yourself. “I can drop you off, I have to go back to the studio anyway,” he says checking his watch, it has to be around 2 am. “At this time?” “I have a few deadlines and I’m still on New York time” “Look at you two chatting all night, just like old times” Namjoon stumbles across the room while you’re putting on your jackets. “Yes, but you being this drunk is new, what is wrong” you ask and Yoongi lets out a long-exasperated sigh like you asked the wrong question or something. “Quarter life crisis I’m assuming” even drunk, Namjoon is still the most introspective person ever. “Let’s chat more about it when you’re sober, please drink lots of water come to the hospital if you have alcohol poisoning” hugging Namjoon one last time, you can practically smell the hangover on him. Namjoon mumbles something to Yoongi which has Yoongi shouting ‘shut up’, but all you can focus on is wrapping a scarf around you, which is much harder drunk.

“So, are we going to discuss Yoongi hyung flirting with what was her name, I mean they were talking non-stop all the laughing and giggling,” Hoseok says out loud to the practice room as soon as the documentary camera turns off. Yoongi sighs, too tired from the hours of practice to defend himself. “Okay, first off, her name is ___. Second off, we weren’t flirting, just two old friends catching up, thirdly, shut up, shut up, shut up” Yoongi gets rid of his sweaty t-shirt and wipes himself with a towel. “Hyung had such a massive crush on ___ back in the day, he practically had heart eyes for her,” Namjoon tells the group and they immediately start hooting like a bunch of children. “He’d wait outside the cafe where we did group study, just waiting for any chance to hang out with her. But he was too awkward to ask her out, so it was some years of pining” Namjoon looks far away, reminiscing the good old times. “Emphasis on the ‘had’, with all the work and travelling I don’t have the mental capacity to date anyone-” “Dating isn’t that hard, you just don’t want to confront any residual or new feelings you might have for ___” Jimin who was too quiet for a while, pipes in and everyone nods with agreement. “Okay can we stop with the dissecting, I want coffee and need to get back to work” “Coffee is on the way-” Namjoon is interrupted by loud knocks and you walk into the third practice room, hoping it’s the right one. It is definitely the right one because Yoongi is standing right opposite you, all sweaty and muscular, and also semi-naked. There’s a long-prolonged silence as everyone observes Yoongi frantically putting on a t-shirt and you looking down to give him some space. Taehyung finally speaks up, “Thank you for the coffee ___” Taehyung is so handsome you were very starstruck during the party, and very much today as he helps you with the coffees. “No problem, also who is the triple shot iced americano,” you ask holding up the drink that worried you the most. Yoongi brings forward his hand and you frown your face, not wanting him to drink this, “Assuming this order is a daily occurrence, this is not healthy” you warn him but all he does is smile and thank you. “You should be thanking people like me, increasing various long term health problems, billing your hospitals even more” Yoongi is a little snappy today like someone ticked him off. “Alright, Namjoon can we go?” you ask and he nods enthusiastically. “Fun evening plans?” Jin asks implying something you don’t get. “Yes, I’m going to help Namjoon pick out jewelry for his girlfriend because women don’t like heart-shaped jewelry” “YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND” everyone except Yoongi shouts, seems like he already knew. “Yes, hyung I’ll be back by 11 to finish up the track,” Namjoon says to Yoongi exiting the practice room as you bid everyone goodbye and snatch Yoongi’s drink away from him. “You know I can just buy myself more coffee” “I know that, I just don’t want to be your drug dealer”

“Promise me you’ll come to our concert, it’s a huge one” Namjoon found a quiet barbecue place after a tiring hour of shopping. “I will, can I bring a friend. She’s a huge fan” Jihyo was still not over the fact that you are friends with Namjoon, or as she called him ‘The Kim Namjoon’. “Of course, also I have to ask something” Namjoon had been playful all night so this serious change is quite frightening. “I heard about your brother, are you fine? I know it’s been a few years and I should have reached out earlier but I just didn’t know how to-” “I am better now, I miss him a little less every day” you answer truthfully looking straight at him, “Alright, but let me know if you ever want to talk about it” Namjoon is trying really hard not to cross an emotional line and you’re very grateful for it. “I will,” you pass him a reassuring smile eating a big piece of meat.

Jihyo almost fainted when you gave her the happy news, not only was she getting free tickets to a bts concert, but she might also get to meet them. She would burst into loud ‘YAY’s’ during work and it was starting to be disruptive. Good thing the concert was today and she decided to come over and help you get ready. “It’s a concert, no one cares how I dress” “I care ___, I CARE” After that outburst, there are no questions asked and you slip into rather tight jeans that make your ass look FINE. Hours of getting ready and a few minutes of standing in like later, you take a deep breath as the stadium goes dark, you hear the music first, later the seven of them appear and the crowd goes wild. It might be a cliche but as they weave a story, song by song, the world starts to feel a little more magical. It’s a little emotional to see a friend you care and love so much being there up on stage, achieve a dream. It reminds you of when Namjoon would make you listen to his recording in a cafe while Yoongi would jot down lyrics on a legal pad. Before you know it, the fireworks are going off and the group is going around bowing to the audience, indicating the end. Jihyo and you had been dancing and singing along, but you still feel refreshed somehow.

“___” the manager who guided you up to their complex offices a week ago approaches as the venue starts to empty. Namjoon had texted you about this earlier, he wanted you to join the after-party and bring along your friend. Walking backstage, you watch as the staff scrambles around packing and cleaning. Jihyo is a little too quiet, watching everything with her panicked eyes. “You alright?” you ask her as the manager leads you into a waiting room. “No, I’m about to meet my heroes, what if this goes bad” “It won’t, they were pretty chill when I dropped off coffee for them last week” you spurt out but it only adds to her panic. The fairly huge waiting room is filled with people, possibly more friends like you and family. Looking around, it’s easy to spot Mrs Kim, she still has the same polished look and short hair. “Mrs Kim!” you greet her and she immediately lights up, “My god ___” she reaches and pulls you in a tight hug, and you chuckle into her shoulder. “I haven’t seen you in a long time, how are you?” she asks tenderly holding your hands. “I’m doing good, wow you haven’t aged a bit” “Sure I haven’t, these white hairs are a deliberate choice” she continues with the joke only making you both laugh more. “So ___ found you before I could surprise you” Namjoon interrupts as Mrs Kim catches up with me and you can hear Jihyo take a shark breath behind you. “___ was just telling me all about Chicago, you should come over for dinner sometime,” Mrs Kim tells in a persistent tone and you nod taking her up on that offer. “What about your some who just put one a three hour-” “Yes Namjoon you were amazing, now I have to leave a little early because I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Come here” Namjoon might be taller and stronger than his mother, but it’s cute how he still wants her attention. “Now, Jihyo right, did you enjoy the show,” Namjoon asks Jihyo and you can feel her brain shutting down. “Ah, um, yes, yeah, I did” she stumbles out and Namjoon gives her a dimpled smile. “How about you, can you believe me now when I say I’m famous,” Namjoon asks you referencing your little comment from last time. “I always believed that you were famous, one can’t watch the news without a mention of bts, I just wasn’t sure that you guys were good” you tease and Jihyo looks at you like you’ve committed some kind of sin. “I’m joking, of course” you calm her and Namjoon laughs out loud. Namjoon introduced Jihyo to the rest of the group and you watch her go from panic to a blushing state of a mess when Jungkook complimented her shirt. “Hey, so I was talking to the director and would you sit for an interview” the party had now moved to a restaurant, with more of their staff and friends around. “Interview for what?” you ask taking some food off Namjoon’s plate. “We’re making a documentary, and a few of our friends and family have been interviewed to you know, more of us before bts” “Sure, that’d be fun” he’s gone before you can get more details. You watch from a distance as Yoongi seriously discusses something with a group, he catches your eyes before you can look away. Not looking away for a second Yoongi lets the conversation drift and excuses himself from the group. “Where’s your friend?” Yoongi asks looking around in an attempt to find Jihyo. “She has a morning shift at the hospital” “Ah, look I wanted to apologize for being an ass last time, I was ticked off about something and I should have been careful knowing-” “As long as it’s coffee and not meth, I’m fine with it” you answer in a flat tone not wanting to know more about it. “I know, I could still have not been an asshole” he tries to lighten the situation with a cheery tone and it works. “Well, you wouldn’t be the same Yoongi without the touch of asshole” “You guys were magical on stage, I cried a little” you confess to Yoongi as he refills your drinks, in the haste of looking up he spills quite a lot of the drink. “Happy or sad tears?” he asks wiping away his mistake with a bar napkin. “I don’t know, I was just very emotional and moved” you answer truthfully helping him with the mess. “Well, I’m glad you came, seeing you in the crowd reminded me of 17year old me who would never believe what I did today” Yoongi is just finishing up a one-year-long stadium tour, it all hasn’t settled for him yet. “17-year-old you was quite self deprecative, what did you do to him” “I went to therapy and fell in love with my life” Several rounds of drinks and food later, Yoongi is dropping you off again, not driving this time. “Listen, how about dinner, my treat” Yoongi proposes standing against the car as you stumble a little. “I think I’ve eaten too much tonight, dinner seems-” “By god are you even more annoying drunk, dinner this Saturday. I’ll text you the details give me your phone” he grabs the phone while you untie your hair, feeling a migraine coming. “Sleep on your side, don’t want you choking on your throw up” Yoongi remarks as you walk away, you just give him the finger too tired for a response.

“It’s not a date, he just wants to take me, his friend to dinner. Now can we stop discussing this and get back to work” Jihyo ambushed you during rounds after you filled her in about everything she missed. “Did he follow up with texts?” she asks are you read through some charts. “Yes, he sent an Are you dead, I’ll cooking dinner at my place and his address” you are more concentrated on taking notes on a patient's vitals. “___ you haven’t been on a date in a long time so you might not remember what-” “It’s not a date, Yoongi considers me to be a friend” you huff standing still and Jihyo crashes into you. “How will she know it’s a date if you don’t say it explicitly” Yoongi had been whining about crashing and burning with ___ to Jin for quite some time now. “She has to know it’s a date, I said ‘Dinner, my treat’ she has to know-” “My god you dumbass, have you asked out women before” Jimin appears into Yoongi studio, inputting information Yoongi doesn’t need. “Yes, I have” “Now, do you have a game plan for dinner?” Jimin asks sprawling across his sofa. “What game plan, I’m going to make pasta, maybe pick up some dessert and whiskey” Yoongi tells and Jimin’s face just sours even more. “First off put on a nice crisp shirt or sweater, no t-shirts or jeans, Trouser pants,-” “Obviously” Yoongi interjects with a sassy comment but it does not go well with Jimin. “No whiskey, you want something romantic, some Merlot or Pinot Noir, you make amazing pasta so that’s good to go, and some candles, and ambient lights, music” Jimin has now been going on and on dreamily and Yoongi has left his studio to prep for his date. A few minutes of panickily pacing around a grocery store and another few at his empty apartment, Yoongi has drawn out a game plan. First, he needs to clean his apartment, it’s remotely clean everyday but he still hasn’t made this place his own. Some flowers, music and finally hanging up the artwork that has been sitting in the guest room for months now. Second comes prepping the dinner, he wants her to have a hot dinner so that’ll be done later. Third is himself, showring and scrubbing later he’s as clean as a baby butt, he smiles to himself in the mirror, between touring and spending most of his free time in the studios he hasn’t done this in a long time, he’s oddly excited. “Holy fuck are you rich, this is so strange” is the first thing you say as Yoongi swings his house door wide open. “Thank you I guess” between multiple surgeries today, you had no time or intention to change out of your scrubs. “This is a nice apartment Yoongi, real nice” “I just moved in a few months ago, haven’t really broken into the place” you take note of the romantic lights that make his apartment look even nicer. “Thanks for doing this, I fee underdressed in your slick apartment” you joke watching Yoongi in a crisp black shirt that is making you feel weird. “Don’t worry about it, you must have been working hard today” Yoongi is being usually soft and sweet today and you might start to get used to it. “I had a double-shifts today, where can I freshen up?” Yoongi leads you a very fancy bathroom and you finally can wash your face. “Hey, I can get you a sweater and some pants of mine that might fit you” Yoongi’s voice booms from outside the door. “Thank you!” “What could I have done, I was on vacation with a dude who thought the earth was flat. I waited for him to fall asleep and left as quickly as I could” you recall while Yoongi laughs hysterically beside you. “So, you didn’t ask him if he believes in science on the first date?” he jokes as you finish up the last of the pasta. “Now how does one ask that naturally” “Science, thoughts?” Yoongi jokes as he cleans up the table. “Let me do this, you made this amazing meal, I’d like to contribute” you pick up a few empty plates and follow him into the kitchen. “I’ve been talking about myself all night, tell me something about you” you ask washing the plates as he sits on a countertop. “I don’t know, I’ve been working non-stop for the last 10 years, I really haven’t done a lot of stuff” Yoongi confesses sipping on his wine. “Come on, there has to be something?” you push him a little. “Well Drake invited us to a Grammy party and they made a jacuzzi into some sort of punch bowl filled with vodka” he recalls the strange night he almost got a tattoo. “First, that seems unhygienic, Second WOW” you are shocked by the very different life you’ve been living. “Yeah, it was kinda crazy, they had a tattoo artist there, Jungkook got a tattoo, I almost got a tattoo” this has you forget about the plates, “I chickened out, I could never get one” “I have a few of my own” you have abandoned the places now as you stand in front of him. “Can you show me?” he glances away, a little shy from the sudden intimacy. “This one is for my brother” you pull up the giant sweater sleeve to show a tiny 1984 on your above your elbow. “This one hurt like a bitch” you pull the sweater down your shoulder a little, revealing a little heart on your collarbone. Yoongi almost reaches over to touch it but stops midway. “And another one around my bikini like” you walk back to the dishes and Yoongi feels a little dizzy, “Every time I feel like I’m in a rut, I get a new tattoo” you joke but Yoongi doesn’t respond to it. “You wanna watch a movie” is the last of what he says before he runs out the kitchen. “If you forget about the romance, more romcoms are borderline creepy” Yoongi comments propping his feet on the coffee table. You nod, continuing to rethink the checklist Jihyo talked about earlier.

Is it a date checklist? 1. Candles

2. Romantic Music

3. Did he compliment you more than once?

4. Are you feeling nervous?

5. Does he seem nervous? It was a yes to all of those, but would it be a date? You maybe had a thing for Yoongi back in the day, but it had been years now. Are they real feelings are just residual unresolved feelings you never confronted? “___ you’ve been quiet for a while, something wrong?” he asks turning a little towards you, bumping shoulders with you. “What did you think of me back then?” you ask having completely abandoned the movie. “At first you were Namjoon’s friend he’d never shut up about. He’d go on and on about how smart you were, how you’d help him with math and one day he brought you over to do a project and you heard the song I was working and were amazed by my ability to make music. Even though I sucked back then” he stops to take a good look at you, trying to read you. “I thought you were full of love and happiness, I was envious yet at the same time glad to be your friend” he stops and you give him a big smile, happy with the answer. “What’d you think of me?” he asks fully turned toward you. “I thought you were an ass yet cool, all I knew how to do was study and you were Namjoon’s cool hyung who made music” you take a big sip cutting out the part where you had a massive crush on him. There is a long silence where you both return to the movie, analyzing each other’s answers. “I have a morning shift, I should get going” you stand up and notice that Yoongi had fallen asleep. This would explain the silence from his part. “Yoongi, you’re thirty sleeping on the sofa is a bad idea” you nudge him a little and he wakes up immediately. “Did I mention how mean you were back then and still are” he limply stands up as you put on your jacket, ready to leave. “Let me drive you home” Yoongi proposes standing against a wall. “You’re tired and sleepy, I don’t trust you behind the wheel and I drove here” “Alright, get home safely” “Thanks for tonight, maybe I’ll take you out sometime” you say as he holds the door open for you. “It’s a date” Yoongi speaks he can think it over and all you do is nod and leave. Both of you continue to freak out now separated by a door.

“You cannot do this to me, to us” Yoongi whines from across Jin in the conference room. They were here at the office to seal off things before their six-month break. “These fishing trips are sacred, me whining all the time, you being serious about it-“ “I bought holiday home and I am bringing my girlfriend” Jin shuts Yoongi off. “Your two options are to either not come with us or invite ___ and not be the third wheel” Jin smiles sarcastically looking through some papers. “I have a feeling you are doing this on purpose” Yoongi accuses Jin and he nods not denying it. “Namjoon and I came up with this idea, because as he lovingly said it, ‘both of them are too emotionally constipated to realise anything’, so quit it and call her" “Alright, but if this goes south Namjoon and you are to blame” “That’s a risk I’m willing to take” “Why are you doing this to me?” Yoongi asks, “Because I love you now call the girl you like” You had been looking for Jihyo all day, she was going to be condescending about this but you desperately need her help. You find her in the 15thfloor break room and ambush her immediately, “He invited me to a trip to Jeju” you sigh sitting in front of her. “You’ll have to tell me more” She had surgeries all day so she is deservingly tired. “Yoongi called me a few hours ago, inviting me to a trip to his friend’s vacation house in Jeju” you rest your head against the table too tired to understand any of this. “First off, latch onto him and never let go and is it going to be just you guys or-“ “His friend and his girlfriend are also going to be there” you don’t bother to lift your head up. “Then go, you deserve this vacation, plus this will give you a chance to untangle your feelings about him. If you do, make a move, if you don’t, you still get a pretty sick vacation” Jihyo is making some excellent points yet you feel weird about it. “I don’t think I’m thinking this through” you whine feeling a migraine coming. “I can’t emphasise how much you are over thinking this, take the plunge for once.” “Alright, but if this goes south you will be buying me ice cream to get through this” “Alright, now make the call” The flight to Jeju went quickly because Yoongi stopped his car on the runway and that’s a first for you. “Yoongi, I don’t think I can afford this vacation” you tell him as he puts on his sunglasses getting out the car. “Don’t worry about it, this is the company airplane” It’s still the start of November so the air is quite chilly in the morning. “Why does your company-“ “We travel a lot for tours, this is the best way to do it privately and safely” Yoongi is being a little short this morning, after all it is 6 am and he hasn’t had his coffee yet. Walking in you find Jin sitting with a woman asleep on his shoulder, probably his girlfriend. Yoongi offers you an earbud, “Get some sleep” soft instrumental music lulls you to sleep, this might be the best you’ve ever slept. “So, how’d you guys meet?” you ask Ara, laying exhausted on the sofa after a long day of walking around the beautiful Jeolmul Forest. It was exceptionally beautiful and calming, thank god Jihyo talked you into this. “Our friends set us up on a blind date, he was late and tired. I still gave him a chance” she laughs watching the men grill on the patio. “That’s cute, the last time I went on a blind date the guy was on his phone the entire time” you complain running a hand through your hair, trying to loosen up. “Why not date Yoongi” Ara is a woman who means business, she always gets straight to the point. “I don’t know if he’s into me” you are staring at Yoongi a little too intensely as he sets up the table. “You can always know, reach out to him a little, if he doesn’t back away, make another move” “And how do I do that?” you are truly lost here and hope Ara has some moves. “When you’re talking to him, caress his arm or hand a little, let him know you’re interested with your body language” You put Ara’s advice to work during dinner when the couple is busy talking about something. “Hey, thanks for bringing me. I’m having a ton of fun” you say caressing his hand that is on the table. This immediately makes his eyes twinkle as he tries very hard not to smile. “I’m glad, I too had fun when Jin spent the entire morning identifying different plants” he jokes not moving his hand while yours says on top of it. “It was fun and games till you started googling everything and proving him wrong” you lift your hand to pick up your wine glass and watch and Yoongi looks away, not to let his emotions show. “So, we’re thinking about going on a hike tomorrow morning, how does that sound?” Jin proposes looking a little sly. “That sounds fun, getting some sun and fresh air” the most of morning sunlight you’d get in Seoul is after finishing a morning shift so this would be a nice change. “It does, doesn’t it Yoongi” Jin teases Yoongi and he nods yes giving Jin a sour look. “I like ___, the first words out her mouth aren’t always no” Ara joins in and Yoongi takes another shot of soju. “It’s final, be ready at 5 am” Jin stands up and offers a hand to Ara, they really are the hottest and the cutest couple you’ve ever seen. Thankfully there were no awkward discussions about the sleeping arrangements because the house had five rooms. “I can’t believe I set them up and they spend every living minute bullying me” he whines as you walk up the stairs.

“Good morning!” you cheerfully greet a groggy Yoongi as he wanders around the kitchen looking for water. “Why are you up? It’s 5:30” it’s too bright in the kitchen and Yoongi is still adjusting. “I made you coffee, and also packed us breakfast and fruits” you say handing him a steaming cup of americano and he cracks a smile. “I knew you’d be a little bitch about waking up this early so I’m trying to make it a little easy for you” this has Yoongi’s heart fluttering seeing how well she knows him. “Ignoring the bitch remark this is really sweet” he says popping a piece of tangerine in his mouth. Yoongi is in a remarkably good mood for the rest of the morning, clicking pictures and even smiling.

It was day two and the couple decided to have dinner by themselves leaving the two of you at the house. After the hike and walking around the city all day, both of you were too tired to do anything. “What are you in the mood for pizza or sushi?” Yoongi asks going through his phone. “Pizza” “Ordered, now I am not watching another romcom, I want something that keeps my mind engaged” Yoongi says laying on the sofa worried that if he closes his eyes, he might fall asleep. “Can we put on a stupid romcom and point out the plot holes in it” Yoongi agrees to this request quickly, putting on something with Matthew McConoughey. “So, you were friends with Ara first, why not date her yourself?” this had been bugging you ever since you found out Yoongi set them up. “Because she was my lawyer and she’s not really my type” he says taking a big sip from his beer. “So, what is your type?” you ask feeling a little buzz from that beer earlier. “I haven’t really given this much thought, but you know if you like someone you just know” Yoongi is looking at you intently, wondering what your response is going to be. “There have to be some physical traits that attract you immediately, like I am attracted to guys that wear jewelry, or guys that are too butch aren’t really my type because they seem high maintenance for someone who doesn’t work out” you say taking full notice of the multiple rings on Yoongi’s hands. “Well, I like independent women, I work a lot and I’d like someone who understands that kind of pressure” he says as you nod along checking a box in your head. “Someone who pushes me out of my comfort zone once in a while, someone I can have new experiences” he has a slight twinkle in his eyes as he talks, maybe is the beer. “You have thought about this a lot” you point out taking a sip from his beer. “I have, after a few too many relationships that never work out you start evaluating everything” Yoongi is cozied under the blanket and you wish you could just snuggle into him. “Aww, Yoongi has had his heart broken too many times” you tease him poking his cheek, waiting for him to break into a smile. Instead, he takes hold of your hand and pulls it down, not letting go. “So, am I your type?” you ask him boldly and just that second Seokjin and Ara burst through the door, shouting and hooting. “WE’RE ENGAGED” Ara hollers, holding Seokjin close and you two stand up like two deer’s caught in the headlight.

After a night of celebrating and Ara marveling about how big the diamond was. It left you two no time for an answer from Yoongi while you avoided each other’s eyes all night. It was the last day of the trip and Seokjin wanted to go fishing early in the morning, so here were the four of you on a boat ready to get some fish. “I don’t understand it, if you were going to propose to Ara, why’d you invite us?” you ask pointing between Yoongi and you. “In case I chickened out and got scared” Seokjin explains dressed in a suit, Ara made him get ready because they had to get their engagement pictures on a boat. “Why would you have chickened out, we have talked about this on lengths and you knew how I felt about this” Ara says holding Seokjin’s jacket close. “Because the thought of you saying no was scary” Seokjin says looking at Ara lovingly and Yoongi looks you in the eye, he still hasn’t said yes and you too are worried about the thought of him saying no. “Now, let’s get the pictures out of the way because I’m all sweaty” Yoongi brought along his camera, clicking away as the couple gives some loving and silly poses. The heavenly and relaxing trip comes to an end as you touch down in Seoul Monday morning. You’re already dreading your evening shift, “Thanks for bringing me along guys” you say good bye to the group one last time before separating to get your taxi to the hospital. “You make Yoongi fun ___, I’m sorry but we aren’t letting you go anytime soon” Ara says pulling you in for a hug, both of you have already made plans to go shopping after she gets her flu shot at the hospital. “I am plenty fun” things between Yoongi and you have been ever so slightly awkward ever since being cut off yesterday night. “Alright, our parents are waiting at my place for a surprise party” “How is it a surprise party-“ “I get a security alert every time the guest code is used” Seokjin says walking away as Ara enthusiastically waves goodbye. “I have two surgeries today, gotta get some rest” “Yes” Yoongi finally lets it out, he’s been feeling a little sick keeping it in. “Yes what?” you have been a little preoccupied with your calendar to give him all of your focus. “Yes, you are my type ___, you were back when I was 17 and you still are” Yoongi hasn’t always been one for confessions so this sudden confidence is a little shocking to him.

“My god am I stupid,” another day of you complaining to Jihyo and she wanted to smack your head really bad. “So, if I’m not wrong, he told you, you are his type and you replied with a ah, and my cab is here” You bribed Jihyo with yet another cup of coffee to help you through this mess. “You are stupid ___, I don’t think there is any other way out of this other than talking to him” “Yes, that is what I was worried about, in other news it was my first time flying in a private jet, would love to get used to it” you joke trying to make yourself feel less miserable. “You went on a vacation with THE SEOKJIN and THE YOONGI as far as life and achievements, you’ve pretty much achieved them all” Jihyo jokes at your misery, but it was a fun vacation all the confusion aside. “I saw the Seokjin get bit by a crab, makes him very human” “Don’t sully the great Seokjin’s name, now I gotta go. Go home, sleep this off and send him a reasonable text tomorrow morning” she advices putting her mask back on and disappearing. The walk back home kinda helps clear your mind. After multiple mental pro and con lists, you have some rough idea of what to say to Yoongi. “___” calls a familiar voice as you’re about to enter your building. Turning around you find a very covered up Yoongi leaning against his car, has he been waiting for you? “What are you doing here?” “You know when many romantic gestures in a romcom are borderline creepy. I went home, calculated the time by which you’d get off work and have been waiting here for good twenty minutes” he explains meeting you in the middle. “What are you doing here?” you can feel your body warm up with the sudden intensity and intimacy. “I felt like I scared you a little, or maybe I was a little too late, then Jimin told me to stop being a baby and ask you out directly” Yoongi laughs a little at himself, hoping this doesn’t go south. “That still doesn’t answer my question” you are whispering at this point and he gives you the same look Jihyo gives you after you’ve done something stupid. “I’m asking you out you big dummy. And don’t you dare run away with a ah” “I was hoping you didn’t hear that this morning” with your hands over your eyes, you hope to forget that embarrassing memory that won’t stop replaying in your head. “So” he asks keeping his distance yet being close. “Yes” it’s hard not to mirror Yoongi bright smile. “Ah, my cab is here” he walks away for a second and you can feel your heart in your mouth till you realise he’s joking. “I am not afraid to kill you and strategically make it look like an accident” this doesn’t scare Yoongi a bit, asking you out was the scary part. “How romantic”

“So, back when Namjoon would force me to have group study at your dinky dorms it was because of you” Yoongi had been retelling all the events of past, with the truth of course. “Yes ___, I was waiting for you to catch a hint after the 10th time, I was too afraid to ask you out, you didn’t do anything so nothing happened” Yoongi had put on a nice jacket for this actual first date, looking sharp as ever. “Yoongi you were a cool rapper who made music, you were totally out of my league” he brought you to a nice restaurant which was empty before you guys arrived. “I think you’re remembering it all wrong, my hair was enough to make me not cool” Yoongi had been a different kind of charming all night, you were oddly comfortable yet nervous. “Yeah, the hair was stupid but I was willing to look past it, and now you’re a pretty blond” you tease him still now adjusted to his new hair color. “You get tattoo’s when you’re feeling impulsive, I get my hair coloured” there were five plates of pasta on the table, you were on a date, this might be what heaven feels like. “I’m thinking of getting another one, a finger tattoos this time” you say rubbing your index finger. “I’ve always wanted to get one, but every time, I didn’t go through it” Yoongi rubs his forehead, and from all the noticing you’ve done, it’s a nervous tick. “Do you have any idea about what you want it to be?” “I was thinking of getting a music beat of my first song above my elbow” you keep on jumping from one topic to another all night, and your face hurts from all the smiling you’ve been doing.

“So, how’d I do?” Yoongi asks stopping the car below your place. “You did amazing, pasta and wine, you know how to impress a lady” “Remember few weeks ago when I asked you to come over, I made pasta and there was wine too, that was supposed to be out first date if I had said it explicitly” Yoongi says hitting his head on the steering wheel. “I was too scared to ask you if it was a date, we were having a great time and I didn’t want to ruin it” you confess pushing your hair behind your ears. “So, when I ask you out to a second date, please know that it is a date” he jokes and you nod enthusiastically, already excited and nervous for what’s to come. “How about I plan the next one, you did take me on a trip to Jeju and made zero moves” Yoongi is used to the high of adrenaline, being on stage every other day, but nothing compares to how he feels right now. “That’d be fun, but nothing public. I don’t want anyone finding or harassing you” “I keep forgetting that you’re famous, maybe because you don’t act famous” Yoongi doesn’t know if this is a compliment or not. “What does that mean” “One expects people to change after exposure to the kind of fame and money you have, you don’t have to tell me, I googled you guys, HARD. But somehow, you’re still the same” “There you go, one second pulling my leg, complimenting me the other, how’d you do that” “That’s the part of my charm Yoongi” you say patting his arm. “I like that”

Namjoon had been pestering about hanging out, but he keeps forgetting that him being on vacation doesn’t mean you are too. You finally give in on a Friday morning, watching him talk on and on about a new art installation. “So, when did you develop taste?” you ask walking behind him sipping on the coffee that he picked up. “I was always interested in art, just never had the resources to enjoy it” Namjoon had made up his mind before he came here, he was going to buy a piece at least, to decorate his new office. “So, when did you start dating Yoongi hyung?” he teases turning around to watch your reaction. “I don’t know if we are dating yet” “So, you guys haven’t been intimate yet” he says in a flat tone and you gag a little. “Just say sex and no we haven’t we’re taking it slow” “Excuse me for trying to be decent, so how’s taking it slow” “Very sexually frustrating” you sigh as Namjoon marvels at an artwork while you stare at it blankly. “How long has it been for you-“ “Six months” “Woah” this is when Namjoon finally starts giving you all your attention, he’s lost all his hope about this exhibition now. “Why?” he whispers like he’s talking about something forbidden. “Because I moved to Seoul six months ago and it’s been fucking busy” you push him along not letting him stop and ask even more pointing questions. “So, just do it?” he asks like you haven’t been up thinking about this at all. “Well, I always make the move, but he just sits there looking at me, maybe he’s not attracted to me, maybe he asked me out because his previous infatuation resurfacing-“ “He mailed me lyrics for ten songs just after your first dates, and believe me the lyrics were graphic about how your eyes shine like the ocean on a full moon” Namjoon is almost a little frustrated by the emails he’s been getting from Yoongi at odd times. “Okay, then why isn’t he making a move” you sigh frustratedly, trying not to blush as hard as you are. “Because, Yoongi hyung is shy and you should be really talk about this with him and not me” It actually turned out to be a fun day for Namjoon once you stopped talking about your dry sex life. Wasn’t so fun for you, because you realised two things, maybe you aren’t refined enough to understand art, second, what is up with Yoongi and his lack of sexual interest in you. For gods’ sake, four dates and the most action you got was a kiss on the forehead, not that that wasn’t sweet. You followed Namjoon back to his studio, bringing along some dinner for Yoongi while he works on some project. “So, are you going to talk to him?” Namjoon leading you to Yoongi’s studio, it’s your first time here and god is this a complex building. “No, I am going to do something” you had formulated a little plan, and Namjoon makes a weird face. “Just never tell me about it” Namjoon jogs away from you as soon as he enters the pass code to Yoongi’s studio. Yoongi is a little startled to see you here, but in a happy way. “Hey?” before he can stand up, you sort of leap into his lap, and plaster a big kiss on his lips. He doesn’t pull away, feeling something takeover himself, he straddles you a little, biting your lip for entry. Foreheads touching, hands entangled, you continue to make out like horny teenagers for a while till it’s absolutely necessary to take a breather. “So, you know how to kiss” you smack his arm a little, and he just looks at you with confusion. “Of course I do” he says leaning in for a kiss but you duck away, “Then why didn’t you make a move or something” you cry out, “Because last night when I tried to make a move, you shuddered-“ “It’s because your hands were fucking cold” you shout, glad to have this cleared. “Alright, so can I kiss you some more?” he cries out this time, his cold hands snaking under your t-shirt, you don’t shudder this time. “Yes please” he smiles against your lips as you mess up his hair. “Yoongi?” you whisper his name, feeling his heart beat on your back. “Hm?” he asks still catching his breath. “Moving forward, I’d like if you were more vocal, I know you’re the shy mysterious type, but I’d like to know what’s going on in your head” you ask turning around in his arms to face him. “Alright, and let me tell you how spectacular you were a few minutes ago, didn’t know you were so flexible” he teases you leaving a soft kiss on your naked shoulder. “Well thank you, also your tongue-“ “I know I started this but please stop” Yoongi says hiding his flush red face in your shoulder. “On the note of me being more vocal, I’d like it if you were my girlfriend” he asks with a shy smile, not able to meet your eyes. “I’d like that” you can’t believe the both of you are shy, blubbering messes after what you spent doing the last hour. “So, boyfriend, I am going to hop into the shower to clean up and stuff” you sit up putting on Yoongi’s discarded t-shirt. “Would you like to join me?” you ask in a soft voice standing up and offering him a hand. “If I ever say no to that, check me for a fever”

It had been a busy few weeks, while you had back-to-back shifts at the hospital, Yoongi was away in LA for business. He whined and whined about bringing you along but one, you had work and second, he had work. Walking back to your place, you feel your phone vibrate and pick up the video call immediately. “Hello handsome!” you greet him opening the door to your apartment. Yoongi fixes his hair one last time before walking away to show you his complete outfit. “I am sitting in with Samsung in a few hours, do I look professional enough” “Aren’t famous people not supposed to care about what they look like, they let their art speak for itself-“ “Babe, these sneakers don’t make me look childish do they?” he pleads his hand massaging his hair. “Like I said before, you look handsome” he’d started to replace your name with babe a few weeks ago, and it never not makes your heart flutter. “So, tell me about your day now” he asks sipping on his coffee in his massive and very empty hotel room while you reheat your dinner. “The same old, surgeries, checking up with patients, had lunch with my mom and now I will eat dumplings for dinner” you wish you could take a few days off, but with the backlog and waiting at the hospital it seems impossible. “Lunch with your mom? How’s she?” you were hoping for him to not focus on this and he does exactly that. “She’s here for a few weeks, something on my step-father’s side of the family” you weren’t particularly keen on discussing your mother tonight. “I am also meeting up with Ara tomorrow, she wants me to help pick a dress for their engagement party” that had been something you’d been looking forward all week. “I was a little shocked when she asked my help, we aren’t that close” you talk with your moth full of dumplings. “She just wants to be friends with you, after all you are pretty fun and amazing” Yoongi has this natural way of complimenting you, that never seems to not make you blush. “Or maybe she’s feeling me out, I am his friend’s girlfriend after all” you ponder more to yourself as Yoongi walks around his room cleaning up. “That doesn’t sound like Ara, but have fun tomorrow, I gotta go” You dressed up pretty fancy expecting Ara to lead you designer stores, but instead you spent the day street shopping in Hongdae, fun nonetheless. She had a clear idea of what kind of dress and she found her very romantic little white dress. “The fried chicken here is like nothing I’ve had before” Ara had been raving about this place the complete time, and it really was amazing. “This, things like these are what make life worth living” you wipe some beer off your lips and sigh with satisfaction. “Hey, so I’ve been meaning to ask you something” you had been distractedly jumping from one topic to another all thought dinner, but this had Ara giving you all her attention. “We aren’t that close, why share today with me?” You get straight to the point, Ara leans back thinking for a second before answering. “I don’t have a lot of girlfriends” she stops talking for a second to take a big sip of her beer. “Not to sound cocky but most women view me as competition, so I’ve never been able to form meaningful female friendships” Ara isn’t usually the type to get vulnerable with someone, but she is today. “That’s understandable, but I am warning you, I can be a pretty annoying friend” You joke a little to lighten the mood and Ara bursts out laughing, nodding along. “Did you get some, no not some, home. Did you get home” You talk a little loudly with Ara over the phone as you stumble into your apartment. “Yes, I did now I am going to get some because my very handsome fiancé waiting for me in the bathtub” Ara talks in a higher pitch clearly a little inebriated. “Lucky you, I’m going to fall asleep in my cold bed-“ “No you aren’t” Yoongi’s voice booms from the other side of the room and you shriek almost dropping your phone. “Jesus fucking christ, what in the world are you, wait are you a part of my drunk imagination-“ You reach over to confirm your dream and he grabs a tight hold of you, capturing your lips immediately. Confirming that he indeed is very real, Yoongi holds you tight by your waist, his tongue teasing you a little. “But, um, you weren’t going to be here till Monday-“ “I flew in early for our three month anniversary” he leans his forehead against yours, almost like he’s tired and in need for sleep. You look at him with eyes full of love, just catching every piece of him, not able to convince you that he is indeed real. “What’d I do to deserve you?” you get a little emotional holding him close, Yoongi doesn’t know how to respond but he knows how to hold you tight, letting you know just how much he missed you.

“If we’re celebrating tonight, I can give you your present tonight, I guess” You muffle into his chest and he pushes you away immediately, excited for his present. “What could it be?” he lights up immediately, looking around your house for clues. “I’ll be back with it, why don’t you open us a bottle of wine” you walk away from him a little excited, picking up the bag of your today’s purchases. Yoongi hums a little to himself, suddenly not feeling tired at all. With two weeks of not seeing each other, Yoongi was excited to be home. Sipping on a chewy cabernet, Yoongi is lounging on the sofa as you delicately walk into the room. Yoongi’s eyes lock with you immediately, and he intently watches as you drop your bathrobe, revealing the pink, rhinestone studded lingerie set that barely covers you. “What’d I do to deserve you?” Yoongi sighs lovingly, his hand over his heart.

Things were good, suspiciously good. Yoongi was back to touring, so you were seeing him less than you’d like to, but the relationship made you happy in ways you didn’t imagine. It was exciting and comfortable at the same time, something you’ve never experienced before. You were about to get done with your shift when you found Jihyo struggling to get something from the storage room. “Here, let me help you” you brought a ladder and moved up to fetch her some pills. On your third step down, you slip a little landing straight on the floor and landing on your right side. Jihyo is quick on her feet, helping you up and checking you for any injuries calmly. “Do you feel dizzy” she asks as you’re led to a bed. “Not really, my back hurts and I have a mild migraine” “I feel so sorry, you got hurt helping me” Jihyo breaks down a little while you wait to get an x-ray “Hey, it could have happened to you” you turn towards her, groaning with pain. “Can you do me a favour, text Yoongi and let him know that I can’t make dinner” You barely hand her your phone with your hurt arm, you have definitely broken your arm. “Okay” she takes a hold of your phone while you’re wheeled to get your x-ray. Yoongi had just landed in Seoul after finishing their Asia leg of the tour, he was tired beyond limits and all he could think about was the home cooked meal ___ promised him. They had been talking and texting constantly but nothing came close to actually having her in his arms. “It’s so hot these days” Jungkook comments taking his car keys from the manager, while the rest preferred to be driven home after tiring schedules, Jungkook preferred driving himself to relax a little. “What are your plans for the week?” Yoongi asks watching Jungkook load his luggage. He’s about to answer when Yoongi’s phone rings loudly, he smiles a little picking up ___’s call. “I just landed-“ “Hello, I’m ___’s co-worker Jihyo, she fell down a ladder and she says she can’t make dinner” Jihyo had been panicking a little sitting in the waiting room. The color drains from Yoongi’s face and Jungkook takes notice. “Is she severely hurt?” he asks his voice cracking a little. “She’s getting her x-ray done right now, but from the looks of it she might have broken her arm” Jihyo tries to calmly explain but she can’t hide her panic. “Alright, I’ll be at the hospital soon” Yoongi quickly explains the situation to Jungkook as they drive to the hospital, given that it’s the middle of the night they thankfully don’t encounter any traffic, getting to the hospital quickly. Rushing in, they find Jihyo waiting for them by the entrance, wordlessly they find the room you’re lying awake in. Yoongi rushes to you, checking you for bruises or anything, “Where’s the doctor?” he panics and asks Jihyo. “They’re going to be here soon with the x-rays” you try and calm Yoongi down, with a death grip on his hand. “I’m not that hurt, the pain is mild” You try and calm him some more while you can hear Jihyo sobbing in the background. “Jungkook, why don’t you get Jihyo some water” Jungkook nods along, helping in the ways that he can. Once it’s just you two, Yoongi delicately holds your face and checks for signs again. “I’m not that hurt, I swear” he’s starting to catch his breath a little. Outside Jungkook wordlessly follows Jihyo as she finds them a vending machine. The hospital is hauntingly quite during the night, which only makes her feel even more scared. They find a bench by the room as Jungkook watches her sip on some water, “___ will be fine, modern medicine has developed a lot” this makes Jihyo chuckle a little, “If I weren’t panicking so much about ___ being hurt, I would have the energy to panic about you comforting me” Jihyo takes another big sip in order to calm her nerves. “Last time I saw you, you did panic tho, all I did was say your hoodie was cute” Jungkook remembers Jihyo quite well given the single interaction. “My heart feels like it’s going to jump out” Jungkook knows a thing that has helped him calm his nerves a million times, and he does just that holding his hands in hers. “With

me, take five deep breaths, okay?” he asks checking up on her and all she does is nod hoping it helps. With each count, Jihyo can feel her heart beat slow, yet he hands feel sweaty. By the time, Jungkook gets to one Jihyo can see the doctor walking towards the room and she hastily stands up following along. “Okay so your right arm has swelled quite a bit but the pain levels have gone down, right?” the doctor asks poking slightly into the bruised arm. “Thankfully for the baby, you haven’t broken any bones and you aren’t concussed so we won’t need a CT Scan” the doctor continues explaining while Yoongi looks at the doctor in shock. “Baby, what baby?” he asks and it starts dawning on you. “We have to check for pregnancy before an x-ray and ___ is pregnant” the doctor explains and you can feel the sickness take over you. “So, um, I’m pregnant?” you try and clarify and the doctor calmly nods checking your arm. “I’ve prescribed an ointment for the swelling, but come visit me if it doesn’t get better” there’s pin drop silence in the room, as the four of you process the massive news. Yoongi hasn’t said something in quite a while and it’s starting to scare you. “We’ll give you guys some space” “HOLY FUCKING SHIT” you cry out as reality starts to set in, you turn towards Yoongi to find tears streaming down his face. “We’re pregnant, I’m going to be a father” he’s talking more to himself, and you can’t help but let the emotions take over you too.

It had been a week since you found out you were pregnant, and the reality had started catching up on you. While Yoongi joyously cried every time he kissed you, you fell deeper into a depressive episode over thinking everything. You make up your mind last night, you had to talk to Yoongi. “Hey, can we talk about something?” you ask Yoongi as he’s finishing up the last of his coffee. “Everything okay?” Yoongi had been overcautious the past week, it’s sweet and heart breaking at the same time. “Yes, I just wanted to talk about something” it’s hard to bring this up, knowing it’s going to shatter him. “We never got to talking about kids, because we’ve only been dating six months. But I never planned to have kids, they just were never a part of my plan” you lay it out straight forwardly, Yoongi goes pale again, not expecting this. “So, um what does that mean” he asks too scared to draw conclusions. “Yoongi, I love you, some days in ways I’ve never experienced before, and I want you to be my end game, but I just don’t think I can be a mother” it was just something you’d decided early on, Yoongi can feel the rage take over him, and he tries really hard to contain it. “So, what exactly is the conclusion to this” “Abortion” Yoongi takes a deep breath, in attempts to compose himself and not make things worse than they are. “___ life throws curve balls sometimes, everything doesn’t always go according to a plan. Maybe it’s one of those situations where you rethink your previous principals” he holds your hands, trying to convince you. “But this isn’t a revers-able decision Yoongi, if I bring that child into this world, it's going to be forever bound to me. I don’t want that sort of burden” Yoongi can hear his phone going off in the background, probably his manager to get him to work. Yoongi doesn’t want to walk away from this discussion but he can’t cancel on work. “____ I get that you have strong feelings about this, but hasn’t the thought of sharing this experience changed your view on it. You won’t be alone with it, I’ll always be there, right beside you” he holds your face in his hands as the tears stream down. There are loud knocks on the apartment door, indicating the emergency of it all, he stands up contemplating for a while. “Can we press pause this conversation for two hours, I’ve been cancelling on work all of last week and I just can’t anymore” Yoongi please and just sob even louder. “How would we support a child working like this, you are barely in the country with work and tour, I can only do so much” this had been one of the major points bugging you. Even if you gave up your work to raise a child, Yoongi would only be around so little. “Don’t you have some faith in me ___, don’t you think I’d adjust my life for a child and you” he talks as he gets ready to leave. “I don’t want you to give up on your career Yoongi, I don’t want to give up on my career” you plead as Yoongi gets red with anger. “I won’t be giving up anything ___” “You think that Yoongi, maybe at first it will be a nice change, but over time you will only come to loathe me-“ “___ before we burn bridges we can’t ever repair, I’ll be back in two hours” he slams the door on his way out and you sit their not knowing what to do next. Ara doesn't know how to console you, she feels bad enough about this. “I’m so sorry barge in on your day, you should go” you called Ara after a moment of weakness. “I’m not leaving you, but I do have a suggestion” “Tell me” you plead not knowing where to go next. “Talk to your mother, she’s been a mother, she could help you” you ponder for a moment before dialing her number, hoping she picks up. Yoongi was red as he walked into the theater, knowing they were going to be filmed all he could do was drink some water and pretend like his life isn’t falling around himself. Jungkook approaches him, being the only one in the group who knows about the pregnancy yet. “You look sick” “I feel like I might die” Yoongi says as the lights go off and they get ready to watch the documentary. It was an hour of Yoongi sitting numb, fighting with the demons in his head, not paying any attention to the documentary. It’s not until he hears your voice boom in the theater, he had missed quite a bit of your interview but he caught the important parts, “What about Yoongi, you mentioned you guys were friend too?” the interviewer asks and it’s for you to hide your blushing face. “The first time I met Yoongi, he offered me an ear phone and we listened to his music for hours. We both had a difficult relationship with our family back in the day, so we understood each other’s pain and confusion. He has comforted me a lot with his friendship and music over the years” you stop talking on the video wiping a tear. “We were struggling kids back then, with our own baggage, and we’re better or worse in some ways now, but Yoongi made life easier back then and he still continues to. In a way I understand when people say bts’s music comforts them, after all it’s made by such comforting people” the intense emotions in the room make you laugh a little, trying to lighten the situation. The screen goes black, and the credits start rolling soon, Yoongi knows he’s thinking with his heart when he removes the mic pack and rushes out the room. He’s driving back home like a madman, desperately wanting to make it all right with you. He can hear your sobs as he gingerly walks into his apartment, from the sound of it you’re talking to someone on the phone.

“Mom, did you regret having Seong Ho and I?” it’s been a while since you said your brother’s name out loud, and it hurts just the same. “No, I didn’t, I always wanted to be a mother, just not at 17. I regretted marrying your father. I regret not saving Seong Ho,” she sighs as you wipe your nose a little. “We never talked about this before, why now?” “I’m six weeks pregnant” you can hear your mother squealing on the other side, this might be the first time you’re actually happy about the pregnancy too. “Isn’t it good news?” she asks and you think about it too. “I don’t know how to feel yet, I never imagined myself being a mother after how you and dad unraveled after Seong Ho’s death” it was a tumultuous time that haunts you every now and then. “I can’t afford to lose Yoongi mom, it hurts me how much I love him” you sob into Yoongi’s hoodie that you’d been holding on for a while. “___, we failed as parents with your brother, he had access to all the drugs because of your father, we were bound to unravel after something that traumatic because out roots weren’t solid” you’ve never talked about any of this with your mother, and it’s just so hard. “I didn’t know that dad-“ “Of course you didn’t, I didn’t want you to lose your father right as you lost your brother, but he wasn’t a good man ___. That’s the reason we didn’t work out” you can hear your mother sniffle on the other side and it just breaks your heart. “Do you think Yoongi is a good man? Do you think he’s going to be your side through thick and thin? Do you think Yoongi is willing to do anything and everything for you and the baby?” your mother asks and you look up to find Yoongi sitting opposite you, waiting for your answer. “Yes, he always finds a way to reassure me, a way to let me know how much he loves and cares for me” you say looking straight at Yoongi as he bits his lip, “You’re going to be a mother weather or not it works out with Yoongi, I know how much you wanted to be a mother before I tainted it for you” your mother speaks faintly and you break into a loud sob, Yoongi can’t not comfort you. He jumps ahead and holds you tighter in his arms, hoping to take all this pain away. “I did, I do want to be a mother” you tell your mother but you’re more talking to Yoongi now.

Summer came and went as things got easier, and your baby bump started to show. Yoongi ceased to amazed you every day, you knew he was going to be a great father. “It’s strange seeing Yoongi hyung not drink coffee” Jimin comments as he hands everyone a cup of coffee. Everyone decided to travel out of Seoul and enjoy the last taste of summer. “It’s a simple rule, if ___ can’t have or do anything because of the pregnancy, I don’t do it” Yoongi says smiling and reaching for your hand. “You know I don’t want you doing this right-” “We’re not having this discussion again” Yoongi leaves the table but not before plastering a big kiss on your forehead. “You are insufferable” Namjoon grumbles besides you, he’s not really in the most chipper mood for this vacation. “You weren’t supposed to be on this vacation, actually none of you were supposed to be on this vacation” Yoongi had planned this getaway for just the two of you, but Namjoon was miserable and everyone just tagged along, even Jihyo who was in her own bubble while everyone had their breakfast. “___ isn’t whining for her pregnancy, why hasn’t Yoongi stopped whining yet” Ara had been holding her head the entire morning, they had too much to drink last night. “He’s allowed to whine, that’s what makes him cute” you say out loud watching as Yoongi smiles to himself cutting you some fruit and you hear Ara, Namjoon and Jimin gag. “I agree with Namjoon hyung, you guys are insufferable” Jimin sides with Namjoon, but all you can do is watch as the love of your life threaten Namjoon and Jimin to leave. “So, are they dating yet” Ara whispers to you as you watch Jungkook watch Jihyo eating her toast. “Last I asked, they’re just friends who like to hang out but then I saw Jungkook drop her off the next day” you giggle watching Jungkook pick off some crumbles off Jihyo’s face. “Almost like they spent the night together” Ara laughs manically, formulating a plan in her head. “Jungkook, we’re all too hungover for the trek we planned, how about the girls have a little spa day and the boys go fishing-“ “NOO” Jungkook and Yoongi shout at the same time startling everyone and Jimin leaves, too hungover for this. “Well, I understand Yoongi’s no but why are you-“ “Why do you understand Yoongi’s no” you ask Ara and she panics but gets into lawyer mode quickly. “Well, Yoongi wants to spend quality time with his child bearing girlfriend but Jungkook, I don’t get” Ara asks a question that makes Jungkook extremely uncomfortable but he isn’t going to let Ara win this time. “Because, I rarely get time to vacation, the people who didn’t drink last night can enjoy it I guess” “People who drink last night are only you and Jihyo” Namjoon joins in on the fun of teasing the youngest. “I guess we are going to enjoy a beautiful sunset” Jungkook answers confidently, like a lot is riding on this. “He’s gotten good at lying” Yoongi whispers to you handing you a big bowl of watermelon.

After an afternoon full of napping, Yoongi woke you up, blabbering about a picnic. “Do we really have to, I prefer napping” you sigh getting ready before going out. “I brought my camera, we have to get some cute pictures now that you’re showing” he says patting your belly, Yoongi was way too excited when you started showing, but now at the fourth month it looked more like a pregnant belly rather than a bloated one. “Alright.” It was around mid-July so the trees had started to change the color, making it look straight out of a fairy tale. You squeal as the pretty picnic Yoongi set up on a huge outdoor dining table. “Namjoon blabbered, didn’t he” you’d been taking to Namjoon about taking a picnic in Summer a few days ago. “More or less” Yoongi doesn’t look at you, making sure everything on the table is perfect. Yoongi had been shooting and clicking a lot today, like he wanted to preserve everything about today. After a few too much food and few too many photos, Yoongi brings you ahead to catch the sunset, cradling both your hands. “You’re being weird today” he’s been a little off even since the afternoon when he didn’t want to nap together. “I’ve just had something on my mind” he says reaching for his jacket pocket and something clicks in his brain. “I can’t believe after all this planning I forgot the ring” he whispers mindlessly before realizing what he’s saying. “YOU ARE PROPOSING!” you squeal and he looks away disappointed. “WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!! I PLANNED THIS FOR A WEEK, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT” he whines stomping around but you can’t help but laugh. “Yoongi, I’d marry you with a twig ring” you say tying a twig and handing it to him. Excited again, he gets on his knee, recomposing himself. “___ I am completely blanking right now” he sighs looks at you excitedly. “But I do know if love is a word big enough to encapsulate all the feelings I have for you. You keep me on my heels, you tease me, make fun of me, make my life beautiful in ways I never expected to, always root for me, you’re my best friend and I’m glad that the universe worked in its mysterious ways for us to be together. But I know you’re it for me, you’re my forever, you’re going to be the mother of our child-“ this makes you laugh and cry a little as you hold onto his hand. “Will you marry me?” he lets it all out and you’re the one blanking this time, not believing that this is happening for real. His eyes grow twice their size with panic, you’re about to say yes when you feel the first kick. Yoongi notices the movement and looks at you with shock. “He kicked” you state the obvious holding your belly. “HE?” Yoongi asks incredulously and you nod with excitement. “The doctor told me the other day, I was going to surprise you-“ the baby interrupts and kicks again and Yoongi jumps around with excitement. “I still don’t have an answer” Yoongi looks at you with glassy eyes and you shake your head saying yes, a thousand times. Saying yes to your forever. The serene moment of just getting engaged doesn’t last long before Namjoon shouts from the bungalow, “Can we come and hug you now” “I want to see my godchild kicking” Ara shouts too as they start walking towards you. This isn’t how you imagined life to turn out, surrounded by friends, in love, smiling, happy, content, pregnant, you got lucky.

[jazzythursday]

I’m about to go into another very long Marvel rant/dissertation here— mostly for myself— that I started writing soon after the Loki Series finale so please feel free to just scroll past this, because honestly I think I kinda overdid this one. It’s jaded and overly dramatic even for me. You have been warned:

The last 4 Marvel movies/shows I’ve watched left me feeling so completely depressed and unsatisfied and hopeless about the future of popular entertainment and story telling in general, and I know I’m not the only one. The fact that fans are going into these experiences hoping for a good story and character arcs that make sense with prior characterization, and leaving feeling… empty is a very clear sign that their approach leaves a lot to be desired.

Infinite War had some valid reasons to end the way it did, because by having our heroes fall so much harder than ever before, it built up the tension and high stakes for the next film. But what does that do when Endgame leaves us feeling even worse? I wanted them to triumph and finally come together to be better. I expected there would be losses of course but not enough to negate the wins. Instead the characters were subjugated for plot, characterization was watered down, and we lost all the original Avengers besides Thor and Bruce (who was no longer even Bruce). Peter loses Tony, Thor’s previous loses are permanent, and so many other things that, in spite of loving a lot of the movie, mean I haven’t been able to stop being sad about it for literal years. And the amount of thoughtless destruction that seems to be at an all time high when it comes to character’s lives and disregard for properly exploring emotions just doesn’t leave much to be expected at this point. Far From Home was good. It was. I liked it a lot. The acting was wonderful and there were some really interesting themes they grappled with but I still walked out of the theater feeling like there was still so much detachment surrounding a lot of the decisions, a little too much thoughtlessness (that, and the gaping hole of Tony). I’m not going to talk about WandaVistion but I’ll say that I was invested until the start of episode 8, and finished episode 9 feeling drained and tired and sad.

Then we get to Loki, a show which has plagued far too many of my thoughts since I started watching it, and has crushed my hopes for ever truly being happy with a Marvel project ever again. Loki is a character who’s ostensibly felt alienated and unseen for most of his life, and that’s before finding out about his parentage. His first movie ends with his suicide attempt and subsequent fall into the void. His second takes place a year into working under Thanos and ends with him being taken away in chains (yes I know he’s the villain he’s done bad things etc. etc. but for the purposes of this I’m only focusing on his pov). Then his third involves his solitary imprisonment, his mother’s death, and his near-death (considering the likelihood that he was actually stabbed), although it does end on a lighter note with his acquisition of the throne. Then we get his redemption and reconciliation with Thor in Ragnarok, immediately followed by the utter tragedy that is the first 10 minutes of Infinite War, which I don’t think I need to explain.

So what I suppose I’m saying here (very very inadequately) is that after all of that, I can’t believe the proper story to tell in his first chance at being a main protagonist was one where he’s constantly degraded and beat up, convicted of things he didn’t actually do, given no focus on backstory or implied/established motivations, and labeled as a clown and a narcissist! His powers are weakened, he displays almost no recognizable mannerisms or competence, he’s held to a higher moral standard than every other character, shown no respect, and ultimately loses EVEN MORE. We’ve seen him lose and lose and lose and lose again. We’ve seen him die THREE TIMES, we’ve seen him redeemed TWICE. So who in their right mind thinks that the most compelling story to tell after all of that was to see him LOSE AGAIN?! And not only lose, but lose without any real triumph, dignity, or acknowledgment beforehand. Death to the author aside, reading the utter nonsense the team behind it have spread, it’s so clear that it wasn’t made in good faith. Whether in ignorance or true maliciousness, they just don’t care. They didn’t research. They didn’t try and see things from his point of view. They didn’t truly sympathize with him as a person while writing. They didn’t understand. And they truly, truly wanted him to fail.

I’m tired of feeling hopeless at the end of everything, of leaving the theater or turning off the TV wondering why I even bothered, why I even care when I’m just being strung along with as little consideration as an audience as my favorite characters. I wanted to actively see him strive to be better, not just be told he could be. I wanted to see him triumph over his demons, not forget them. I wanted to see him be the “master of magic” that every other damn movie has alluded to, and to use his powers effectively. I wanted him to be powerful. I wanted him to, if not win, then win on a personal level at least. I wanted to see him take agency in his life and PROVE EVERYONE WRONG! And, though it’s now bafflingly controversial to say, I wanted it to be told by an experienced and competent writing and directing team that knew and understood his character and were passionate about telling his story.

I would ascribe to the notion of “don’t like it, don’t watch” if I could but I care to much to not be affected by this obvious decline in quality and awareness. And I’m a relatively recent fan. I haven’t been waiting for Loki to get his moment in the sun for 10 years. I’M NEW HERE, and my heart breaks so much for fans of the original movies who have lost their love of Marvel or Loki because of the way it’s been handled. No one should fall further than they can climb up from, and I’m tired of watching loss after loss and never getting the release of gaining enough of it back. What’s the point of caring about these characters if the writers won’t? Of investing in a connecting cinematic universe if it lacks continuity? Of looking for clues and foreshadowing when there isn’t any and the only twists are random and pander to shock value? The way these pieces/characters are being created and interpreted is reductive and incompetent, and for once I’d like to watch something that feels crafted, inspiring, and gratifying to see to the end.

If some people like the Loki show we got, I have no argument against that, because my own opinion is just as subjective as theirs. Though, I’d like to think that if what I want is for the show to be better out of love for the same character, then what they enjoyed from the show can coexist in that. If anyone’s actually read up to this point, I have to admit I’ve forgotten mine. Mostly I just wanted to express my frustrations over how unfeeling and stale most entertainment, specifically from Marvel as of late, has been.

TL;DR: I care too much, waaay too much, Marvel cares too little, Disney doesn’t care at all, and I don’t know how to accept that.

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

ik your requests are closed but I just want to ask for a comfort story, it’s kind of urgent but totally okay if you don’t write it, I’ve been feeling kinda shitty lately. Even though I should be happy for where I am in life I just keep letting my own thought get to me, making me feel alone and scared since I’ve been dealing with self harm and eating disorders all by myself for a while..so I would really appreciate it if you wrote like a Chuuya or Akutagawa with a s/o who struggles with depressive episodes and sh or something like that..totally okay if you can’t write it since your requests are closed but I’d really appreciate it if you did🙂

Hello, I just woke up but got to this right away! Hope this helps you feel better ❤❤❤💗💗💗💜💜💜!

Words: 780

Comfort for a depressive episode |Chuuya x Reader|

TW| Depression, talks of eating disorder/skipping meals, self harm is mentioned.

Light poorly escaped through the layers of clouds. It appears it may storm later this evening. Such a thing was so far off it didn’t matter, not to you. Not to the you who laid in bed still half asleep late into the afternoon. The you hadn’t had a real meal in days, who hadn’t done much more than scroll through your phone. That mental checklist of self-care no longer played through your mind.

Much like the clouds, dark thoughts surrounded your mind, hiding away the good thoughts. You wondered if anybody noticed the steady fall into this episode. Sometimes you were alright, well enough, mentally, to climb from bed and shower. Yet, the marks on your skin often came from those days. Those days were partly cloudy, thoughts still swam against your will, outweighed by the positive thoughts but still not enough to keep you from hurting yourself.

You thought you were alone. Nobody else was going to help you, but there was somebody who was slowly getting worried about you. His ginger locks appeared before you, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared at you. “How many days do you plan to spend in bed?” Chuuya raised a brow listening to your grumble. He watched you tug the blanket over your head.

“Just tired,” you mumbled the understatement hoping he’d leave you alone. There was always guilt when you thought about someone you cared for finding out about your mental status, your lack of self-preservation.

“Mhm, alright well, sleepyhead, it’s almost five at night so whether you like it or not, you’re getting up.” Chuuya tapped his foot walking over to the bedside. He looked at the stains of red that littered the exposed sheets. His heart skipped in his chest as he sat down. Whether this was lucky for you or not he was known for his strength. He easily tugged the blanket away from you. He scrunched his nose as he sighed. He knew what this was. He could probably thank Dazai for his minimal knowledge of depression. He wasn’t going to bring it up, you clearly hadn’t wanted him to know. “Let’s get you into a bath. I’ll be right back.” He leaned in to kiss your cheek before walking away.

You looked down, tempted to just lie back down but maybe, just maybe, letting Chuuya help would make you feel just a little better. Not being so alone could help, right?

When he came back he lifted you from the bed letting you cling to him as he set you onto the bathroom counter. He ignored the clear lines, old and new. His fingers worked delicately to undress you. Once more he lifted you before placing you into the bath. He’d made it special, scented, and filled with bubbles just for you. He washed your hair and left so you could try to finish the bath on your own as he cooked something.

When you walked out, still looking drained, he had dinner ready. “Chuuya, you don’t have to do this.”

“I do if I don’t you… I don't want to think about what might happen, so, I'm intervening. I care about you, it’s selfish but it hurts to see you like this. It’s not fair to the people who care about you. I know you can’t control depression but you should have reached out.” The weight loss from not eating, the knots he’d found in your hair. He shook his head as he slid you a plate.

You understood he wasn’t going to let you not eat tonight. “Just try a bite, even if you only eat one or two bites, that’s enough for tonight. We’ll work up to full meals.” Chuuya sat down after you. He watched you eat as he finished his own meal.

When he walked you to bed he sat you down before he spoke again. “Come here,” his expression laid soft, reminding you that he truly cared. You inched over to him before he placed one arm around your waist and the other pressed your head to his chest. “It’s alright to let it out.”

That was all it took for the pain to come crashing down. Rivers flowed down your cheeks as you gripped onto him. He rubbed your back, softly rocking back and forth. “It’s alright to still feel like this even when you think you should be happy with life.”

With every thought that turned into tears that became synchronized with the rain, he shushed you. He played with your hair, ran his fingers over your back. He kissed your cheek despite the tears. “You’re not alone, even when you think you are.”

[pineapple-lover-boy]

Can- can I just talk about the Victuuri relationship? Pretty please?

I just…. I’ve never seen a healthy relationship that starts from idolization and a need to get out that has ended in a satisfying way.

Let me elaborate:

We all know that Yuri idolized Victor. It’s why he was so nervous in the beginning and why it took time for them to build on their relationship, he saw Victor as a god.

Victor? He was depressed. He loved the ice so much but he longer found excitement in competitions. He didn’t have any worthy opponents that had a chance of beating him (sorry Chris).

I believe Victor “fell in love” at the banquet. He was attracted to Yuri but, even though he lost, he also saw potential in him. That night was probably the most exciting night for him in a long time. I think he felt genuine affection for Yuri but also saw a way to get out of his predicament.

Then, of course, Yuri didn’t show up the following season (a year had passed before the present timeline). He was most likely annoyed that someone who had gave him excitement didn’t show up. Did he think Yuri had a chance of beating him at first? Probably not. Did he see potential or at least someone he could have fun with during the season? Hell yes!

And then when he saw the video of Yuri skating Stay Close To Me, something that awarded him a gold medal. That’s all he needed. He saw how Yuri not only skated it perfectly but I bet he thought Yuri skated it better. Let’s not forget that emotion is a huge part of skating. If you don’t skate with the passion your supposed to hold for whatever theme you have, your performance can almost seem futile. Victor obviously won because he perfected it but if it was based on how he presented it alone, he would’ve lost. He saw someone worthy of skating an gold medal piece while also having the heart to do it. That’s talent.

Anyways, because of this, their relationship doesn’t hold well in the beginning. He’s passive aggressive towards Yuri because he doesn’t see his own talent and Yuri is just going along for the ride because holy shit it’s Victor fucking Nikiforov.

As they get to know each other and Yuri opens up more (plus Victor getting info on Yuri from the others) Victor starts to see Yuri as an actual person and not someone he can use to project himself onto and then later skate against. And Yuri starts to see him as an actual person too.

I saw on another post talking about how we didn’t see them during the summer and how the end credits of every episode suggest they got to know each other better as both in the credits and in the show they (Yuri) are able to touch each other more. I 100% believe this.

I also believe they might’ve had an argument or two on this topic. It’s not easy to switch from inadvertently seeing someone as anything but a person to an actual person with emotions and feelings. I believe Victor would’ve tried to back away from this subject but Yuri wouldn’t let him. It wasn’t big arguments like in episode 7. It was probably little quarrels that annoyed them both but after having a long conversation they finally started to become more comfortable with each other.

Yuri started letting go of the notion that Victor was a god like creature and Victor saw him as something other than a pawn. Yuri stopped getting as embarrassed with Victor touching him and Victor stopped trying to seduce him as much just so he could see the man from the banquet.

This most definitely leads the way towards a healthier relationship but episode 7 was inevitable. Yuri’s anxiety was at an all time high when he comes out on top. The fact that he needs to stay on top and not mess up is getting to him. As a person with anxiety, it’s pure hell. The thoughts of failing won’t get out of his head and even as he turns off all the monitors he can still hear everything.

Victor takes him away from prying eyes and has no idea what to do. Despite an obvious change that would’ve had to include some emotions from both occurring over the summer, he still has no idea how to help someone in distress.

Then he makes his first mistake. Yuri is visibly shaken by someone’s scores (can’t remember who) and Victor, who is at his wits end, yells at him to stop listening and puts his hands over Yuri’s ears. This tells Yuri how nervous Victor is too and despite knowing that Victor wouldn’t leave him now it shows to him that Victor doesn’t have faith in him (even if he does).

Victor tried to shatter Yuri’s heart. He must’ve expected Yuri to maybe sign heavily but tell him that he’ll do everything in his power to win (probably something that’s happened with him and Yakov). Instead he see’s the consequences of his carelessness. Yuri rightfully lashes out at him and even through all that Victor stills says “should I kiss you?”. Idk what Yuri was thinking but if I were him I would be extremely offended that Victor would try and use me like some doll he can play with and can assume that physical affection and love can fix everything, which was probably what Yuri was thinking.

There’s something off about Yuri and Victor when they emerge but Yuri is surprisingly better now. Cathartic crying can do wonders, kids. There’s also my favorite part of the entire show (couldn’t find a gif):

*head jab* “Hey, fuck you.”

*more head jabs* “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I know you don’t like this you unempathetic dicknip.”

*head pat* “You’re forgiven.”

We all know what happens next: Yuri ends his love story with Victor’s signature move and Victor kisses him out of joy and the need to one up him (with love, of course).

I’m gonna get a little sloppy here with the timeline because I have the memory of a female protagonist that needs to go back to work to get something only to accidentally bump into the jerk CEO of which she will develop a toxic relationship for fan service, so forgive me.

Gonna skip ahead to the scene where Yuri tells Victor that he’s leaving skating, and basically Victor too. (At this moment I realized I’ve been spelling Viktor with a c and not a k which is really fucking with my brain but it’s too late to go back). Victor starts crying and realizes just how Yuri felt when he was rejecting him.

I believe Yuri found some light in the situation because of that fact, which Victor was not having. They’ve been closer than ever now. They’ve kissed, they’ve also announced they they’re getting married, so what the hell?!

Yuri, as we know, feels he’s keeping Victor from the ice. Victor, while he misses the ice and wouldn’t mind being competitive again, has found meaning and if he’s going to be Yuri’s coach to stay where he is than so be it.

He wanted to coach Yuri because he wanted a worthy competitor and while he still wants that, what matters most now is his relationship with Yuri. If he stops being Yuri’s coach and Yuri goes off the ice he knows it will be the end. Yuri loves the ice too and I’d bet he’d try to distance himself from Victor as to not feel regret from leaving without actually knowing that he’s doing it.

They’ve grown so much at this point. But that doesn’t mean it’s over. After all they’ve been through Yuri doesn’t realize that consequences of parting from one another. While being too dependent on your spouse isn’t good, it’s what they both need right now. They are what caused the other person to be happy again and while I hate those types of storylines this one executed it perfectly.

I find Victor’s silent plea to Yurio absolutely heartbreaking. He knows it’s bad to put pressure on people but now he’s doing that to a 15 year old boy. He’s putting his relationship and his life into this child’s hands because he knows there’s nothing else he can do.

I do think Yurio had a crush on Yuri but even if he didn’t: Yuri has taught him so much. He, although being an ass most of the time, has really come to love Yuri as family. It’s clear that Yurio was always lonely (Otabek being his first friend and all) but once he came to Japan and lived, truly lived there, he wasn’t lonely anymore.

Yurio wins, Yuri gets silver and all’s well that ends well.

I guess my point of this was to show how well the relationship in YOI was. I could’ve included some more detail on some points but I usually write stuff in one take (it’s very hard to revise without my mind shutting on itself).

I just love how an implicitly toxic relationship can come out so healthy. They don’t do any of that miscommunication bullshit and when they do it’s because the characters don’t know what to do or how to handle something. Like humans do!

They could’ve easily made this the hot famous guy thinks the kawai girl boy is just so adorable and the kawai girl boy is absolutely infatuated with the hot guy. Hijinks ensue which includes the kawai girl boy thinking the hot guy is in love with someone else. She He gets pushed into thinking that she’s he’s more independent in the end and happily ever after for the couple that will divorce in less than five years! Yay!

Seriously, I thought that was what was going to happen but YOI subverted my expectations so much. They are people that grew from their bad mindsets. And you know what? Yuri still has anxiety! Victor is still bad with handling emotions! And that’s ok! We don’t change that quickly. It takes time and hopefully another season.

I’m definitely using this show as a template for healthy relationships. It’s so hard for me to properly write them when I’ve never been in one and I’m not given the chance to see it happen in different environments (when searching it up all I get is “they trust each other. They blame each other. They’re compassionate.” Like ok but can you show me how?)

Yuri!!! On ice…. I love you so much. You have done so much for my mental health and my writing. Thank you.

[goodnightmemes]

BEING HUMAN US SEASON TWO SENTENCE STARTERS (PART TWO)

Lines taken from episodes s02e08 - s02e13 of the series Being Human US. Feel free to change as needed. Here is part one.

❛ Do you have any idea what it's like to make peace with being annihilated, ready to kick it and then have to wait? ❜

❛ I gotta say I am not overflowing with sympathy for you. ❜

❛ This ghost is a reaper. You have to believe me. ❜

❛ 50 bucks gets you an official invite to cross the threshold. ❜

❛ Oh my god! Unbelievable! You're trying to parent trap us? ❜

❛ I can't believe I'm asking you a how-to on ghost murder. ❜

❛ The only friends I had are afraid of me. ❜

❛ So, what? It's a good thing what I felt? It's a good thing that I tried to kill you and I liked it? ❜

❛ A reaper is a force of nature, a hurricane, a forest fire. ❜

❛ Just think how crowded and stinking the Earth would be if nobody died. Afterlife's the same way. ❜

❛ You don't get it, do you? I know so much more than you think I know. ❜

❛ That's not who you are anymore. You still think you're that person you were when you were alive? ❜

❛ I always imagined if I ever saw you again, I'd be plunging a stake in your heart.

❛ If I had stayed, this is what would've happened: I would've lied to you to get you to stay with me, I would've infected you with my violence and my rage and I would've dragged you down with me! And then one day, I would've killed you. ❜

❛ You just remember one thing. [name] is my blood. And he had better be alive when I come back for him. ❜

❛ Don't, please! Please kill me! ❜

❛ You're almost there. You'll reap your first soul tomorrow. ❜

❛ Well, that was your one and only chance at the drunken, angry, depressed, revenge screw. ❜

❛ People think they want to be edgy and rebellious, but really all they want is a cozy house to come home to and someone who loves them. ❜

❛ The bonds you form with some will make you look past anything, ignore what they've become. ❜

❛ I never said it was easy. I said it was necessary. ❜

❛ This has to be done, but it doesn't have to be cruel. ❜

❛ Oh, and all that rage you say you've got, I don't see it. Your bark was always worse than your bite. ❜

❛ If you linger, they start in with the whining and the lying. It gets awkward for everyone. ❜

❛ I'm saving threesomes for marriage. Sorry! ❜

❛ I killed them before they killed me. ❜

❛ It's cute when you act like you have a choice. ❜

❛ Usually a ghost is around just long enough to have a little fun. But the longer a ghost circles the drain, crazier the ghost. ❜

❛ Man, you've been around 500 years and you've never dealt with a catatonic ghost? ❜

❛ I'm a vampire. I'm not a ghost whisperer. ❜

❛ There is a human being walking around upstairs who has no idea that if we're not out of here, she's dinner. ❜

❛ Don't you think you're being a touch dramatic? ❜

❛ I saw something in the reflection on the toaster. A guy. Just for a second and then he was gone. ❜

❛ I used to think haunted houses, the supernatural was just a bunch of crap. Then it started happening to me. ❜

❛ It's super awesome being a freak. ❜

❛ Just a couple more hours and you'll all be dead. ❜

❛ It smells like a slaughterhouse up in your room. ❜

❛ None of this is real. You're living in a dream world and you need to wake up now. ❜

❛ You did things, horrible things you couldn't live with, so you escaped to this. ❜

❛ I feel like I'm the only one trying anymore, like I'm dangling off a cliff by my fingertips and you're up there stomping on them! ❜

❛ I thought that I could be different. I thought that I could be better, but I can't. I just can't. ❜

❛ I'm not supposed to be living this life. I've already lived. And then I died. ❜

❛ You took away the only person who meant something to me. ❜

❛ So let's just get this straight right now. I will never forgive you for what you did. Never. ❜

❛ Live long enough, you realize that most clichés are true. ❜

❛ You can't blame [name] if she still can't bear the sight of you. ❜

❛ History shows that us ignoring your problems doesn't really work out well for anyone, so, if you don't mind, we will maintain the current level of care and concern. ❜

❛ If we're gonna be together, you have to learn to accept my friends. ❜

❛ Am I really high, or did we just pull this thing off? ❜

❛ If you're gonna leave me, I want you to do it now before I get in this any deeper. ❜

❛ Come now, every move you've made, you've made for your own benefit. ❜

❛ What's up? You just seem extra broody today. ❜

❛ Then isn't this great news? I mean, shouldn't you be, like, in a field somewhere, wearing white linen, rolling around in daisies? ❜

❛ Every chance that I've given you, you've turned into a grenade and you've lobbed it back at me. ❜

❛ I can't believe that I was trying to convince myself that you'd really changed. ❜

❛ We're strongest together, aren't we? ❜

❛ That girl has got an appetite for violence, the purest, swiftest...angriest violence I've ever seen. ❜

❛ This situation is not medical. It's supernatural! It's a good, old-fashioned curse! ❜

❛ I'm not in pain because of what I am. I'm in pain because of what I've done. ❜

❛ I could never kill you. I love you too much. ❜

❛ You thought we'd just let you run? Come now [name]. Surely you know me better than that. ❜

❛ Now, this wound, it's deep and it will convince them that you put up a good fight. ❜

❛ No one will be surprised that I stopped short of killing you, because it's like you always said: I'm nothing, if not sentimental. ❜

❛ We have a talent for goodbyes, you and I. ❜

❛ A lot's happened since then, most of it decidedly unpleasant. ❜

❛ No! I won't sit here like some damsel waiting for you to rescue me! I can fight my own battles. ❜

❛ It takes a determined man to declare that the water served to cleanse the palate between tastings has a refreshing bouquet of nutmeg and honeysuckle. ❜

❛ You say "determined", I say "drunk". ❜

❛ A second chance is tough enough. There's no one left back home willing to give you a third. ❜

❛ You can't make me go back there. ❜

❛ I loved you enough. You just never believed it. ❜

❛ I'm starting to think that good things don't actually come to those who wait. ❜

❛ I told you I was weak. You're my weakness. ❜

❛ You can't ask me to watch you die. ❜

❛ We came screaming into this world. How can we possibly leave it without a fight? ❜

❛ Oh God. You're still my emergency contact. I'm sorry. I never changed it. ❜

❛ You two are totally about to go on two separate killing sprees for women. That is so hot. ❜

❛ The punishment is only enough when she realizes it isn't punishment at all. ❜

❛ Then you know what that love is. Irrational. Animal. So strong, it weakens you. ❜

❛ Which is why I'm saying you should just hack him up with some of those professional garden shears. ❜

❛ Yeah, no, that's a great idea, wildly attacking him with some rusty shears is way less messy than shooting him. ❜

❛ I did terrible things to get here. ❜

❛ She was never going to be you. Why couldn't you just see that? Why couldn't you just leave her be? ❜

❛ Now you have to live with what you did! ❜

❛ I can think of a worse fate. Living in eternity, knowing that you killed the only one that ever loved you. ❜

❛ Shoot me, save yourself. Shoot me! ❜

❛ I need your help! Please. I think I made a big mistake! ❜

[miraculouscontent]

*rubs hands together*

The first thing to talk about with this episode is the pacing, and I think this might contribute to why people think it’s the best/least bad of Season 4 (personally, I’d rather watch “Furious Fu” but that’s just me; also, this isn’t the only contributing factor as to why I think people might feel this way, but I’ll get there later).

The episode has a very serious pacing issue, particularly with its more intense scenes. There’s only one minute of time dedicated to Ladybug landing on her bed, de-transforming, and her snapping at her friends plus them leaving. More time was spent on Chat Noir and Ladybug in the movie theater and Ladybug storming out.

I particularly remember watching the episode and getting eighteen minutes in, at which point I had the realization of, “It feels like nothing’s happened?”

This episode is supposed to be a big gut punch, but the season has been going by at the speed of sound, like they’re trying desperately to play all their cards at once (Lukanette break-up, Adrimi break-up, then Alya is told Marinette’s secret identity). Instead of letting things build and play out for a while in the interest of suspense, the show just throws whatever will get a big reaction out of the fandom (whether positive or negative) and it doesn’t care how shoddily put together everything is. The first two episodes feel like hastily put together drafts, and while this one is technically more put together, it still feels like a draft.

Let’s just start with Chat Noir, who feels completely out of place in the episode. Not only does he imply that he intentionally calls Ladybug “Bugaboo” (which she has told him to stop doing) in order to get a reaction out of her, but when Ladybug insists that she doesn’t want to talk, he tricks her into thinking that he has a good location to do so (and my heart breaks a little at how readily she trusts him) only to then take her to a romantic movie, then shush her when she calls him out for it because she “said she didn’t want to talk.”

Gee, and people wonder why she didn’t tell him her secret (even outside of “Chat Blanc” existing)?

And... look, I know it’s a joke, but I do not find it funny. The “joke” is basically that Chat Noir is taking advantage of the situation to flirt with Ladybug, and though I find it at least mildly cathartic that Ladybug is unaffected by all the people staring at them while Chat Noir is embarrassed, this episode is coming right after the one where Kagami broke up with Adrien, and here Chat Noir is getting his flirt game on. I already talked about all my problems with “Lies” so I won’t do it again, but I’ll just say that it’s not a mystery why Ladybug doesn’t want to talk to him and would rather avoid her problems.

(Not to mention that Ladybug knows that Chat Noir likes her, so talking about her romantic problems with him is awkward to say the least and would come off as insensitive.)

Honestly, at this point I feel like they must be building to something with Chat, like Ladybug finally going off of him with no mercy and that forces him to give up/fall out of love for her because reverse love square, but if that’s what they intend to go for, then that means Marinette is going to fall for this guy who’s repeatedly disrespected her feelings for multiple seasons, almost abandoned her and let Paris drown because she wouldn’t tell him a secret that wasn’t hers to tell, and just generally all the other things he did????

Ugh, I don’t wanna think about it. Let’s just move on.

Talking about Ladybug and her rant next, it basically summarizes the whole show in a nutshell, but simultaneously casts a shadow of sorts over “Truth” for people who maybe missed the episode entirely (which is also sort of the show in a nutshell). I mean, Ladybug confirming to the audience that she was genuinely in love and happy with Luka (you can’t watch how depressed she was over the break-up and not think that) was great, but Ladybug’s dialog implies that Luka “hated secrets” and that’s why they broke up, when Luka was more just... hurt that she couldn’t be honest with him, and he didn’t actively hate secrets. Marinette broke up with him because she felt like she had to; because she had to keep ditching and lie to him.

In addition, what she says also hints to the audience that they’ve both held and kissed each other, which not only indicates cowardice on the part of the staff (”yeah this happened but--um--off-screen; we’d still like credit tho plz”), but may perhaps go back to the theory I had about how Adrimi and Lukanette were supposed to last longer in Season 4 but their arcs got cut (based on the Adrimi kiss having supposed to have gone off). This could mean that Ladybug’s statement was originally accurate to canon but the scenes got cut and the scriptwriters just awkwardly left it in, which is made more awkward by the cinema scene in “Truth” that felt like Luka and Marinette were kissing for the first time (again, alluding to the whole, “this entire season has been a draft” thing).

Also, if you think about what that actually means - that Luka and Marinette did have successful dates and kisses but they were off-screen - then all it adds up to is that showing Marinette happy and comfortable was something that the series didn’t deem as “interesting/fun enough” to show, because Marinette being happy isn’t something they want to see; only watching her be miserable, which is exactly what Ladybug says, along with how everything was “almost too simple, too easy,” because Marinette isn’t allowed to have nice things without being jammed through the wringer first.

And... sure, let’s say that Chat Noir thought the movie was genuinely a good idea; let’s assume that it could be a joke, him wanting to flirt, and him believing that it’d make her feel better somehow.

If that’s the case, then where’s the apology when it fails miserably? Ladybug goes from her semi-anxious state at the start of the episode (a little scatterbrained but ultimately just looking for a distraction), to outright enraged by the movie, and then to this upon leaving the cinema.

She just got her heart broken from being forced to break up with a boy she genuinely wanted to be with and there’s not a single, “Okay, maybe coming here was a bad idea, I’m sorry,” (which could’ve been seen as another joke with the audience like “lol no duh Chat Noir” so there’s no excuse not to have it) or, “My bad, that was insensitive of me. I really thought this would’ve helped but I wasn’t thinking about what you would’ve wanted.”

No. The only people Chat apologizes to are the other people at the theater because he’s embarrassed by Ladybug’s reactions, yet he himself feels no remorse for taking her there and has the gall to go on now about how he’s “there for her if she wants to talk.”

Again, it’s no wonder Ladybug doesn’t want to open up to him.

And I’m sorry, I just don’t buy that Marinette suddenly has all this free time. It’s one thing for her to have a little more time now that she’s broken up with her boyfriend (likely avoiding spending time with him altogether now), but “Truth” went out of its way to talk about all of the emergencies she had to deal with and how she doesn’t have any spare time. which is causing her to become forgetful and lose track of certain events (patrols with Chat, dates with Luka, etcetera), yet Marinette spends most of “Gang of Secrets” simply sulking on her bed. It’s so jarring to go from “Truth” where she was doing “too much” (which I called them out on for not describing what the “too much” she was doing was) and now “Gang of Secrets” where she’s not doing anything.

It’s almost like they invented that plot point to break Lukanette up and it served no purpose outside of it.

Furthermore, the scenes of her finally talking to Tikki and then deciding to live as Ladybug does nothing outside of making the plot more predictable, the latter because of the “Alya almost sees Ladybug” moment (an obvious indicator that Marinette is losing control and is struggling to maintain her secret identity due to her emotionally breaking down) and the former because of Tikki herself and what she doesn’t say.

Because, really, think about what actually goes on in the scene. Marinette (eyes rimmed red and filled with unshed tears, as she is for a good chunk of the episode) is venting to Tikki about - yes - her love life, but also that she has to lie to everyone in order to keep her identity a secret. The fact that Tikki focuses solely on the note of Marinette’s love life and not say a word about the identity/lying issue or even consider telling Marinette, “hey, this is clearly too much for you, you should tell someone, I think the benefits outweigh the risks right now,” really proves that the episode tried to avoid the topic altogether to try and make the ending more shocking (which ironically made it more predictable).

So yeah, not only does Tikki’s dialog with Marinette provide nothing except for a line about how she can’t help Marinette with love issues due to kwami not falling in love (alright, I guess aros can’t give good love advice then or have any input whatsoever), but Marinette’s line about lying to everyone being why she can’t pursue Adrien nor Luka is repeated in the very last scene of the episode. The only reason that scene and the scene after exist is because the writers needed Marinette to be emotionally devastated enough to leave for her balcony as Ladybug for the almost-reveal to Alya and so Rose would get close enough to the dollhouse to have an almost-reveal with the Miracle Box, making the scene feel further contrived because the emotional punch of Marinette wanting to live as Ladybug lasts for barely any time at all.

And it could’ve served a purpose, like if Ladybug had genuinely left and Alya finds her goggles and towel, recognizing them from a news story about how Ladybug had gone to the swimming pool after losing her temper at the cinema, which could’ve led to Shadow Moth making the girls believe that Ladybug was no longer heroic and had kidnapped Marinette, or... heck, Ladybug coming back inside would’ve been so much less jarring if she came back because she heard the girls’ voices talking about the dollhouse and had to hurry (but of course, then they’d have to point out the ridiculousness of Ladybug not hearing Alya calling her and the girls not hearing Ladybug literally shouting for Shadow Moth to come fight her, even though the kwami heard the girls calling for Marinette from the balcony).

But instead, the entire scene feels off and unnatural, forcing every part of it in order to get to where Marinette has to snap at the girls to make them leave.

(Oh, by the way, just a little detail to add to the annoyance: they bothered putting Tom and Sabine in the episode when the girls are leaving, clearly saddened by something that happened, and neither parent even bothers to go and check on Marinette to see if she’s upset or just to see what might’ve happened. They’re such a “blink-and-you’ll-miss it” moment in the episode and it’s not like I’m surprised because they’ve done this multiple times by now but really?)

As for the girls themselves... oof, where do I even begin?

Alright, first off is the annoyance that they assume Marinette’s problems relate only to lovesickness. Marinette has been an anxiety-prone mess throughout the entire series, and suddenly now the girls care about Marinette’s love problems on an emotional level rather than “we’ll meddle sometimes unless we don’t feel like it and be wholly inconsistent on how much we push for it.”? It’s not that I don’t see how they came to the conclusion (hearing that Luka and Marinette broke up and now seeing Marinette is depressed, it checks out), but considering they bothered noting that Marinette hadn’t told them anything, one would think they’d come to the conclusion of, “okay, we haven’t talked to her, we have no idea of what’s going on, maybe we don’t know her as well as we thought then and shouldn’t make guesses.”

Secondly is the “eternal friendship bracelet,” which comes off as a copy of the “Secrets” game from “Syren” extremely manipulative. Mylene goes on to explain that one is supposed to give a secret to the pearl “mentally,” yet when the girls actually show up to see Marinette, they expect to be told the secret directly. I’ve already talked at length about peer pressure and the mental stress Marinette goes through when they mock her and/or meddle for her, but this idea of, “well we all used this friendship bracelet after we mutually agreed to it so now it’s your turn because we said so!” just comes off really bad. I know the episode is going for this idea that their hearts are in the right place, but they’re really not. It feels like they’re the ones in denial and are trying to compensate by forcing Marinette to prove that they’re friends, unable to handle the idea that they might not be as close to her as they thought.

Thirdly, the show acts as if the girl squad are her only friends when we know that’s not true because we’ve seen episodes like “Befana” (the guys in the class), “Reverser” (Marc), “Ikari Gozen” (Kagami), and “Silencer” (Ivan) that all established Marinette having more friends than just them, but for the sake of “drama” and the depressing line of, “at least I don’t have any more friends to lie to,” the episode just pretends like Marinette’s friends are limited to Luka (who she had to break up with) and the girl squad (who she forced to leave and refuse the friendship of).

Fourthly is the actual set-up and the sheer grossness of it all. The girls call Marinette and leave a message about how they much they love her and how she can talk to them “where and when” she wants, and then - immediately afterwards - decide that they’re going to go straight to Marinette’s house completely unannounced, go into her room completely unannounced (not even knocking, by the way), and when Marinette begs them to leave, Alya basically tells her that she’s overreacting. When Marinette demands that they leave, Alya refuses and makes demands right back that they won’t leave until she tells them what’s wrong.

So much for “where and when” she wanted, right? It’s already one thing for the girls to invade Marinette’s privacy and demand/guilt-trip answers out of her, but it’s another thing to give the illusion of respecting her feelings and personal space only to actively plan to go back on it. I can’t tell if it’s a bad draft that they didn’t catch in quality check (you know, the quality check that they definitely don’t have) or just an intentional way to make them seem more sympathetic so Marinette looks worse for driving them out, but either way, it’s awful and I hate it. I would’ve rather had them be all in on invading Marinette’s privacy and learn a lesson in the end than outright contradict themselves.

There are also little nitpicks I could make (like Juleka’s constant mumbling despite Luka’s crush on Marinette playing a role in the episode, Horrificator getting sidelined due to being mute, and the girls’ akumatization ultimately being for spectacle and nothing else, serving no purpose to the plot and being furthered by the fact that Timebreaker goes after Marinette despite it being a bad idea and Reflekta’s power clearly not lining up with any sort of plan), but the real issue issue here comes down to the fact that these are Marinette’s so-called “friends” and the episode refuses to address their actual issues.

Alix, who is known for making rude comments at Marinette (”Gigantitan,” “Chat Blanc,” “Miraculous New York”) and then gives mixed messages by going along with meddling anyway.

Mylene, who is the closest thing to a background character in the girl squad but nevertheless finds her way into being definite voice against Marinette in “Chameleon.”

Juleka, who blamed Marinette for things she didn’t do in “Reflekdoll” and got huffy with her until Marinette apologized for said things.

Rose, who outright screamed at Marinette in “Chat Blanc” over a freaking stuffed animal, which pressured Marinette enough that she snuck into Adrien’s room to deliver her gift which nearly led to the end of the world.

And, of course, Alya; freaking Alya. I don’t even have to go into every single thing she’s ever done because I have a history of giving her absolutely no mercy.

...But let’s go through some anyway because I want to.

“Copycat” - Alya gives Marinette a script and tells her to memorize it, then immediately pushes the “call” button when Marinette hesitates after Marinette had just told Alya that she’s awful at improv.

“Darkblade” - Alya takes a jab at Marinette when Marinette says that she’s too busy to be class representative, implying that Alya thinks that Marinette does absolutely nothing with her time.

“Gamer” - Alya is busy recording the gaming competition when she and Marinette were supposed to be researching for a term paper. Alya then scolds Marinette for wanting to use the competition to get close to Adrien only to do a 180 and put up a fight about it when Marinette decides to quit.

“Animan” and how “The Puppeteer 2″ follows up on it - oh, I’m not going to touch that particular point right now, but keep those in the back of your mind, because I am going to absolutely go off later

“Simon Says” - Similarly to Marinette’s parents, Alya gives zero damns about whatever might be going on in Marinette’s life that's causing her to miss classes.

"Despair Bear” - Alya laughs at Marinette being forced to kiss Chloe’s cheek and then outright compares Marinette to Chloe after knocking Chloe multiple times during the episode (sure, just compare your “best friend” to her multi-year bully, how "hilarious” of you).

“Gigantitan” - Alya has no qualms about mocking Marinette’s over her failures, even if it embarrasses her and she’s been through enough already.

“Frozer” - Alya tries to find ways for Marinette to prevent herself from third-wheeling for Adrien, but when Marinette tries to show character growth by wanting to go, Alya gets into a shouting match with the other girls over how Marinette has “liked Adrien forever and isn’t going to give up now”.

“Catalyst” - Alya claims that Marinette is only salty over Lila out of jealousy when “Frozer” exists and literally is the prime evidence of Adrien liking another girl and Marinette telling Alya outright and very genuinely that she’s not jealous.

“Chameleon” - Alya doesn’t care about her best friend sitting in the back by herself while Alya herself get to sit next to her boyfriend and everyone else in general gets to sit where they want (Alya even acting confused at the mere suggestion that she’d tried to engineer things to let Marinette sit next to Adrien), then not only believes Lila over Marinette but contradicts herself twice (asking Marinette for proof when she has none herself, then claiming that she wouldn’t let her best friend sit by herself).

“Christmaster” - Alya leaves Marinette to babysit so she and Nino can go out on a date.

“Desperada” - Alya suddenly is for Lukanette for literally one episode and doesn’t know how/doesn’t even try to cover for Marinette’s Adrien blindness despite mocking her for multiple seasons over it.

“Reflekdoll” - Alya invites Adrien to something that’s crucial for Marinette to focus on after Marinette has already told her not to and continues meddling to the point where it gets Juleka akumatized (she also doesn’t get punished for it and the blame gets thrown onto Marinette).

“The Puppeteer 2″ - Alya pushes her luck with Nathalie to try and get Marinette to come with her, Nino, Adrien, and Manon to the museum, then traps Marinette in a room with Adrien to force her to spent alone time with him, even abandoning and forgetting about the child that she offered to watch for Marinette so she and her boyfriend can go off alone.

“Miraculous New York” - Alya is told directly by Marinette that she needs help seeing Adrien as a friend, which leads Alya to do the exact opposite throughout the entire special, at one point shouting at Marinette and pressuring her to chase after a car, in the rain, while there’s a supervillain rampaging through Paris, and all of this right after the scheme that Alya had set up caused both Marinette and Adrien to go missing.

And just saying, as Marinette’s supposed “best friend,” Alya sure doesn’t know how to handle her. It was acceptable back in “The Bubbler” when she asked Marinette about signing the gift too late and the same goes for “Dark Cupid,” but by the time we get to late Season 2/3 and Alya refuses to learn Marinette’s weak spots (unless it’s to mock her) and adjust accordingly (like if she’d already made sure the gift was signed in “Chat Blanc,” which would’ve prevented Adrien seeing Ladybug at all due to the time difference), it starts getting infuriating.

A best friend is supposed to cover for their friend’s weaknesses. Alya doesn’t do that; she meddles and often drives Marinette’s anxiety even further up a wall with absolutely no consideration for Marinette’s feelings (”Dark Cupid,” “The Puppeteer 2,” “Reflekdoll,” “Miraculous New York”).

And here, she and the other girls are rewarded for it. Luka actively resisted his akumatization whereas the girls gave in immediately, yet Marinette still opens up to them in the end, likely because they had pressured her and made her feel bad for the secrets she was keeping while Luka was willing to actually wait for her to be ready to talk to him. I can’t put into words how frustrating it is watching these girls trample all over Marinette’s feelings, not have their worst actions called out, and then jump cut post-deakumatization to Marinette telling them exactly what they wanted to know about her love life.

You know what this entire episode is really missing, outside of a coherent plot, properly-paced development, and a basic understanding of rewarding a character for things they’ve held firmly to?

It’s missing the apology. Chat Noir apologizes to a bunch of moviegoers and Rose apologizes for the broken dollhouse, but no one apologizes to Marinette for how they treated her, especially not the “friends” who got rewarded in the end.

“Sorry, we shouldn’t have told you that we’d respect your feelings and then showed up unannounced to make you talk about them.”

“We’re sorry we came into your room and invaded your privacy. You were right to be mad at us.”

“Oh my gosh, Marinette, we got akumatized and we’re so sorry for literally all five of us going after you and probably scaring the living daylights out of you.”

And as if that wasn’t enough, guess what else this is missing? It’s kind of important and brought up directly in the episode, yet the episode simultaneously goes out of its way not to bring it up again.

It’s the reason why Marinette didn’t tell the girls about her relationship with Luka. It’s not there - it’s missing - and the girls never try to pursue the subject. They talk about how Marinette didn’t tell them but don’t think for a second that maybe it’s them who have failed as friends. Instead, they don’t guess anything about why Marinette wouldn’t tell them (which is already strange considering how much they already assume about her) and jump straight to, “well clearly we just need to push for her to talk to us.”

Gonna just go out on a limb here and say that maybe - just maybe - Marinette didn’t tell them because they are habitually pushy in everything they do.

Because they would’ve teased her relentlessly about, “ohhhh you’ve got eyes for Luka? what about Aaaaaadrien~? aren’t you sooo tooorn between both of these cute guys?”

Because they would’ve meddled to force her and Luka together and gotten on her case when/if she ever had to bail on him.

Because their intrusion on her feelings for Adrien had caused her nothing but problems and she just wanted to be with Luka in peace without them forcing their way into things.

Because--hey, wild thought--maybe they’re not really friends???

But the episode completely avoids it, because that would’ve meant addressing it; it would’ve meant acknowledging that they messed up, which - fun fact - they actually don’t do in the episode.

They invaded Marinette’s privacy, insisted that she tell them how she feels (not about them of course because that would imply that they felt like they screwed up), and in the end it’s Marinette who gives them exactly what they asked of her, and the closest thing we get to acknowledging anything is Alix telling her/joking with her that they’ll help her confess to whoever she likes as soon as she tells them she’s ready.

That’s not an apology. That’s not an acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Even when the five of them are about to get akumatized, it’s not a circle of them saying, “here’s how I screwed up, I could’ve done better but I didn’t and I lost Marinette because of it.”

No. It’s just them talking about how sad the situation is. Mylene has the closest thing to remorse in saying, “I hoped it would work,” but where does it go? A grand total of nowhere, especially because Marinette still takes the bracelet in the end instead of the girls mutually deciding, “okay, maybe the bracelet was a bad idea; how about we all agree on making something together instead, no requirements attached?”

And then the episode has the gall to act as if Alya has gone through character growth when all they did was put Alya through the same thing that Chloe did. I’ll explain that last bit momentarily, but first let’s talk about the whole “growth” thing.

Because there’s no apology or acknowledgement of wrongdoing, all Alya does when she’s finally alone with Marinette is do a 180 from where she was at the start of the episode, going from, “friends have to tell each other everything,” to, “hey, if you don’t want to tell me, then that’s your right.”

The crucial part that’s supposed to go in the middle is missing. Instead of acknowledging her failures, Alya just cuts straight to “””being a better friend,”““ but storytelling doesn’t work that way.

It literally would have taken zero effort to fit an acknowledgement into that scene. “You don’t have to tell me everything, I get that now. All my meddling’s done is hurt you and I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t trust me.”

In a world where Marinette has to apologize for everything, has to learn lessons and suffer because the narrative says so, I will not accept anything less from other characters who are trying to develop and improve. That’s not fair to Marinette, nor has it ever been.

Instead of properly developing Alya, the show does whatever it can to get its audience to root for her as Marinette’s “best friend” (ugh) without having to put in the effort of admitting that Alya hasn’t been Marinette’s “best” friend.

Remember when I brought up Chloe? Yeah, “Malediktator” did a similar thing, showing Chloe doing something awful, then being sad (while not actually acknowledging the thing she did wrong), and in the end she was rewarded with a miraculous prematurely.

One show of character from Chloe and Marinette gave her a miraculous. One show of character from Alya and Marinette told her that she was Ladybug.

(Also, for the record, I think Chloe is far worse than Alya character-wise and I’m not comparing their characters; this is just the simplest comparison I can draw here from a narrative standpoint.)

“Miraculer” is another apt comparison, perhaps even more so. Chloe got Hawk Moth in her head after an akuma landed in her photo of her and Ladybug, but Chloe resisted and fought back, ultimately forcing the akuma out of her and freeing herself from Hawk Moth’s control.

But it wasn’t to develop her character; no, it was to convince the audience of Chloe and Sabrina’s friendship so they’d feel something during Sabrina’s happy flashbacks, then lay the foundation of tricking viewers into believing that Chloe might not go to Hawk Moth’s side.

At the end of the day, it was doing something that’s “never been done before” in order for the character to earn brownie points for something that the writers can just have them do because willpower is an easy thing to just write in. “Gang of Secrets” does the exact same thing when Lady Wifi breaks free from Shadow Moth, with Ladybug even hammering it home by talking about how no one’s ever done it before.

And the pacing is - again - awful. Not only is Ladybug banking on this working when she herself says that it’s never been done, but the conversation between her and Lady Wifi where Ladybug tries to convince her doesn’t even take a minute.

It also has nothing to do with Marinette herself; Ladybug relies on Alya’s adoration/friendship with her as Ladybug (you know, after Alya took a photo of LadyNoir kissing and posted it online without Ladybug’s consent, betrayed her by putting information on the LadyBlog that Hawk Moth was able to take advantage of, and is the only hero outside of Chloe to resist returning a miraculous) in order to break from Hawk Moth’s control, because talking about Marinette with Lady Wifi didn’t even work.

(Ladybug also uses her yoyo as a portal to the Miracle Box when this has never been pre-established to be a thing despite Ladybug acting as if she knew it was; further proof that this episode was rushed.)

And of course talking about Marinette didn’t work, because that would’ve meant convincing Alya that her reason for getting akumatized was “wrong” and the episode didn’t want to do that. It didn’t want someone else actually learning something and feeling bad; surely, this is just Alya being manipulated by Shadow Moth and having the power to break free because Ladybug “needs Rena Rouge” and not because Lady Wifi and her friends are chasing after their supposed best friend and that’s--you know--wrong???

Rena Rouge’s reappearance is also yet another thing the episode refuses to address because it avoids the topic of “but my identity--”. At least “Heart Hunter” had the tact to have Kagami question why Ladybug was giving her the dragon again, but “Gang of Secrets” treads as lightly as possible on any discussion of identities outside of Marinette saying that she can’t, as if it were Marinette who made the choice of concealing her identity and not the basic idea of heroing that has been stressed over and over for the whole show.

Even Plagg of all kwami stated back in “Origins” that no one is supposed to know about secret identities, a rule that continues becoming flaky and muddled with each passing season, almost like they kept attempting to retcon and make the audience dulled to the idea so that the reveal in “Gang of Secrets” would be more acceptable.

But now, with the way they did it and how they don’t even have Tikki comment on the matter, it once again has it look like they’re making it - say it with me, everyone - Marinette’s fault.

Alya says that Marinette has a choice in telling her secret, Marinette insists that she doesn’t and goes on and on about how it’ll change everything, and then just... tells Alya her secret in the end.

And remember all the way back in Season 2? “Sapotis”?

Alya: What were you saying about her secret identity?

Marinette: Ladybug needs it to protect her family and friends. Otherwise the villains could use them to get to her.

Alya: Well, if I knew who Ladybug really was, I'd keep it a secret. I would even help her! Like say, if you were Ladybug, I'd cover for you — when you needed to transform in school, go fight the "baddies", you know?

Marinette: Oh yeah? Well, if I was Ladybug I wouldn't even tell you, to protect you from the "baddies", you know?

Alya: You serious? If I was Ladybug, I'd totally tell you! Because I tell my best friend everything.

And now here we are in “Gang of Secrets,” as if the narrative is saying, “See, Marinette? Alya was right all along, you were just being ridiculous and making yourself suffer for no reason!”

Yet Marinette had a right to keep her secrets. When Alya and Nino learned each other’s identities, Alya took a hit for Nino in “Catalyst” and both of them fell to Scarlet Moth’s akumas. Chloe was a mess and a half because of Hawk Moth knowing her identity. Fu had told Marinette that her miraculous would get taken if she and Chat Noir learned each other’s identities.

The only ones who received no consequences due to someone knowing their identity were Pegase (who Chat Noir and Markov knew), Ryuko (who Chat Noir, Ikari Gozen, and Hawk Moth knew), and Viperion (who Adrien knew). “Chat Blanc” also exists where Marinette got the impression that people discovering her identity would be a disaster, and even all the way back in “Lady Wifi” insisted that not telling anyone her identity was “listening to her head and not her heart,” and the narrative has relentlessly humiliated her for going with her heart, so yeah, probably for the best.

I hate that the episode avoids talking about anything identity-related outside of what comes out of Marinette’s mouth to make it appear like it was her choice all along. I hate that they had Tikki fixate on Marinette’s love problems instead of having her actually support Marinette and admit that Marinette should tell someone before she has a mental breakdown. I hate that the episode inserts Rena Rouge into the plot as if to brush all identity issues away so as to make Marinette’s identity reveal seem less jarring.

Now, of course I’m glad Marinette told someone. Of course I want her to get love and support from someone. Of course I think the benefits outweigh the risks, or I wouldn’t have written multiple fix-its where her identity gets revealed in some way or someone already knows.

But I didn’t want it to be Alya, because I knew how they’d do it. I knew they’d do it wrong and I knew that they wouldn’t have the courage to address Alya’s issues properly.

Those familiar with my blog will know that I’d been taking negative predictions for future seasons for a while and adding them to cards whenever they were proven right. Does anyone remember the Season 4 predictions that were proven correct for “Gang of Secrets,” specifically these ones?

- “Alya will suddenly be portrayed as a good/worthy friend to Marinette in/if there's an episode where Marinette tells her that she's Ladybug”

- “Alya resisting Shadow Moth/fighting back against him will be used to excuse telling Alya Marinette's secret identity“

- “Alya will know that Marinette is Ladybug first because "BFFs" despite being one of the worst candidates for it“

- “The secret that broke Lukanette up will be resolved in episode 3 when Marinette tells Alya“

Each and every one of those were mine, because I knew that whether Season 4 had a proper chronological order or not, the writers would not have the guts to develop Alya first and then have Marinette tell her in a future episode after Alya has properly earned it.

I knew that they wouldn’t take time to develop Alya. I knew that they would have Alya resist Shadow Moth to make Alya look “worthy” of the secret. I knew that Alya would swoop in during the last minute and a half of an episode, insisting that Marinette “didn’t have to tell her anything” when Alya had been pushy and insistent for the entire rest of the episode and the whole series in general, and would ultimately be rewarded with the big secret simply because she’s “the best friend” and that’s it.

The Alya at the end of the episode isn’t the Alya I’ve known for the entire rest of the series before this, or at the very least they turned her into an Alya I don’t recognize.

Alya claims during the ending scene that she knows that Marinette is hiding something beyond her love problems because she - as a reporter and “her best friend” - can sense such things, and all I’m left wondering is

w h e r e ?

Where and when has Alya been suspicious or worried about Marinette keeping a secret from her? What, back in “The Pharoah” where she didn’t immediately disregard Marinette for the role of Ladybug, or “Simon Says” where she vaguely teased Marinette about having a double life, both Season 1 episodes?

Where was Alya in “Truth” saying that she didn’t know Marinette’s secret but knew that she was keeping one? Where was Alya anywhere in Season 3 being concerned that Marinette hasn’t told her something? Where was this “supposedly very observant” Alya when Marinette needed her to out Lila because Lila got her expelled--oh wait, Alya “observed” that Lila did nothing and Marinette was just jealous.

What, is it only now that Alya suddenly “knows” that Marinette is hiding something else? Now, after Alya has already not known that Marinette was literally dating someone, even when Alya had multiples pictures of Marinette and said someone giving each other heart eyes and saw Marinette leaving school with said someone riding on the same bike together, you know, like normal, typical, average friends would?

Where’s the line where Alya acknowledges the problem? Where’s Alya sitting down with Marinette and admitting, “hey, I’m sorry I haven’t noticed this stuff, but I promise I’ll do better starting right now, and that’s how I know now that you’re hiding something else, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that it’s been hurting you”?

I can’t tell you where it is, but I can say that it’s certainly not in this episode. 60% of the episode features the Alya we knew from the rest of the series and then switches her out the second she’s de-akumatized for another Alya who hasn’t done anything that the old one has because she pretends like it didn’t happen.

You know how I know? Because of this absolute gut punch of a line that showed that the series wanted to handwave everything away.

“I know how to keep a secret.”

...Really? Does she now? Well, I hope everyone remembered my point about “Animan” and “The Puppeteer 2,” because I’m bringing it right back.

Considering that “Truth” has been burned into all of our memories, we all definitely remember when Truth shoots Alya and questions her on Marinette’s secret, to which Alya states that Marinette’s secret is, “She’s in love with Adrien Agreste.” Now, at the time of Season 4′s airing, this is very much not a secret, as most characters already knew about Marinette’s crush, to the point where it’d been broadcast on television during Season 2.

But do you know when it was actually a secret? Back in Season 1, specifically in the episode “Animan” where Alya told Nino.

And not only did she tell Nino, but she lied to Marinette by claiming that she didn’t, acting as if Nino knew that Marinette had a crush but didn’t know who she was crushing on, which is then directly proven false as Nino accidentally implies that he does know who it is. This is also after Alya had gotten on Marinette’s case for trying to set her up with Nino, and then she had the gall to say that she wouldn’t spill Marinette’s secret because she, and I quote, “doesn't go around making decisions for other people,“ a statement that is directly contradicted by this little thing known as everything Alya has ever said and done in the entire series.

And while Marinette meddling in Alya’s love life actually ended up working out for Alya, Alya meddling in Marinette’s by telling Nino who Marinette is crushing on comes back to bite Marinette - not Alya (because of course) - in the infamous episode of “The Puppeteer 2,” where Marinette realizes that Alya really did tell Nino that she was crushing on Adrien.

Marinette: You told me you wouldn't tell Nino!

Alya: I haven't told him. Right, Nino? I didn't tell you anything. (elbows him)

Nino: She didn't tell me. And besides, I told her I wouldn't tell.

Then, when she’s called out on it, Alya lies again, and shamelessly so.

Marinette: Why did you tell Nino everything? You promised you wouldn't!

Alya: I didn't, I swear! Besides, even if I had told him everything, he would still be clueless. Ugh, who cares anyway? I've set everything up with Nino, who doesn't know a thing, so you can finally pour your heart out to Adrien, girl!

And now, here we are one season later - and not even half of a season if you go by production code order - and Alya claims that she knows how to keep a secret.

No. No, she does not. In fact, she does even worse because she won’t even admit when she’s spilled said secret. I absolutely refuse to accept that Alya is “worthy” or “deserving” of learning that Marinette is Ladybug when she couldn’t even keep a basic secret like who her friend was crushing on.

And no, it didn’t matter that Nino was her boyfriend, or that maybe she thought it would work out because Nino was friends with Adrien. By that logic, Alya would tell Adrien that Marinette is Ladybug if she heard that Ladybug is who Adrien was crushing on and we all know how that would’ve gone.

Marinette has a right to tell her secret to whoever she wants and I’m glad that a burden has been lifted from her, but that doesn’t mean I have to be happy that it’s Alya. That doesn’t mean I have to be happy that, after so many moments of Alya disrespecting Marinette’s feelings, she is the one who gets to hear the big secret that the fandom has been waiting for someone to find out about since the very start of the series.

Luka said it best in “Truth” that the truth is meant to be shared, not taken by force, but Marinette was forced to tell Alya by the narrative because Alya is her supposed “best friend.” It pushed Marinette to her breaking point, forced her to break up with the guy who has respected her agency and feelings since the day they met, and gave her a version of her “best friend” with the same name and face but with none of the responsibility from previous events so that said version was there at the right time and the right place to hear what had to be heard.

And in the end, I end up feeling nothing. Marinette doesn’t even have a “Marinette” reaction to saying it as one would expect; for her to blurt it out and then immediately start panicking until Alya hugs her to calm her down. Instead, Marinette just says it and stares silently at Alya - after blabbing this huge, very big deal of a secret - until Alya goes in for a hug (the “happy/hopeful” ending of which is why I feel like this episode also gets less flak, as the previous two ended off rather depressing/upsetting).

It’s off. Everything is off. The pacing, the delivery, and the logic that the episode uses. The emotion in Marinette’s voice when she’s rambling about how hard it is to keep her secret is so powerful, but then the ending hits and she just says it, breaking the momentum they had going. They pulled the card of Alya walking away too soon when they could’ve saved it, having Marinette go quiet and letting Alya take a few steps away in order to let the moment build before Marinette finally blurts out the secret she’s been painfully holding in.

But they didn’t, and I’m so many levels of dissatisfied. I wasn’t against the idea of Alya learning Marinette’s secret at some point (though honestly, Alix would’ve been a better pick considering that Bunnyx will know eventually anyway, and I say that not even liking Alix!), but not now; not when Alya had so much to work towards.

And now what? What happens now? Now Alya will turn against Lila, not because she learned to have faith and believe in Marinette, but because Marinette is Ladybug, which disproves Lila’s ultimate lie that got Alya’s attention in the first place? Now Alya will be supportive and less teasing/mocking whenever Marinette will be late, not because she understands that Marinette isn’t perfect and has so many other things on her mind, but because she’s Ladybug and has “hero stuff” to take care of? Now Alya will be careful about what she puts on the LadyBlog, not because she respected Ladybug and what Ladybug would want, but because Ladybug is now her best friend and that changes everything?

Because now, Alya has a free pass to all of that, the show making her spontaneously “developed” now so they won’t have to develop her later, and disappointing doesn’t even begin to describe it.

[shinygoku]

You know what’s lame and boring? Pitching an Ending of a series to be what I call an Ash Coma Theory. By which, I mean any variation of “Sike! The magical and whimsical adventures of a plucky lil guy is actually because he has BRAIN DAMAGE and nothing is real! Aren’t I clever for figuring that one out?”

This phenomenon, given the TV Tropes listing of Delusion Conclusion, has a tendency to affect Children’s Media more than those with Adults in mind, which I would guess is because 1) Children’s Media tends to be more Fantastic and Strange & 2) More insidiously, people like to punch down on ‘easy targets’, like older kids in their first Edgy Phase marching up to their juniors to tell them how stupid their interests are. People may not be making Ash Coma Theories specifically to burst bubbles, but the more smug and “only way this makes sense” they are about it, the clearer it becomes that they want to lord it over The Masses.

So, an Ash Coma Theory (which from here on I will refer to as ACT), is obviously derived from a rather famous example centred on the protagonist of the Pokémon anime. It’s set right after the part of episode where Pikachu sets off the electrical blast that obliterates everything in the radius — so you can at least see what causes the ‘coma’ pretty easily! The meat of the theory is talking about how Ash’s brain damage and treatments create the bizarre anime world where he never grows up, never wins the tournaments and is always pursued by a weird pair of criminals and their talking cat. Honestly though, as far as ACTs go, there’s a lot more thought put into this one, offering narrative foils and Ash projecting his absent father feelings onto Giovanni, and that he can never become Champion because that would cause the dream to end, etc. I guess my main issue with this famous Creepypasta is that the premise doesn’t fit with the lighthearted, goofy and already wish fulfilment setting that is Pokémon (and the anime in particular is on the lighter, fluffier end of the franchise!) — and this isn’t even a story that explains the Pokémon themselves away, as Pikachu is the instigator!

Instead, I think the ACT would work much better as an Isekai story, where The Protagonist is mowed down by Truck-kun and that causes the lengthy period of Weird Narrative Dreams. For best results, I’d say the 'revelation' should be saved for a few episodes in before flashing back to Protagonist getting run over, then dipping in and out of Reality and Fantasy, showing how one affects the other, but also it obviously having been the plan from the start, not just thrown in to suddenly Plot Twist and gloat about the audience never seeing it coming! Those swerves always feel like a crummy last minute switch, you gotta let the narrative run it’s natural course, even if it means people accurately guess where it’s headed. Besides, there’s still multiple ways to end this Isekai, you have a sliding scale of optimistic or tragic resolutions, but again you have to make sure that the route chosen is one you have built towards in the earlier parts of that tale. (I could put a couple of examples in, but this is getting long lol)

Keep it consistent, even in the weirder sections, and the audience should be left satisfied. Don’t tack on a sudden depressing ending without foreshadowing or that completely jars with the tone and storytelling that’s already been in place!!

So again, most ACTs suck and feel mean spirited as they try to negate something with a lighter tone into something depressing and/or extremely boring. And if you’re going to say “yeah this makes the most sense” when you’ve just proposed that [Character] is about to die and the wacky shenanigans were their extended fantasy sequence to deny reality, I will lose every shred of respect I may have had of you as a writer. Why on Earth should I hear out your ideas when this is how you’d end them?!

[winchesterxxi]

A Link (Din Djarin x Reader)

Rating: PG-13

Type: Angst

Request: “Fic request - reader is a Jedi ( untrained) and Luke requests she also joins him. She has to choose between leaving Din or going with the child. After watching that episode I’m already depressed as hell so the more angsty the better!”

Word Count: 2.3k

Warnings: CH.16 SPOILERS

A/N: What’s the most depressing love song you can think of? Play it.

MASTERPOST | REQUEST HERE | KO-FI

✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸

You’d never think this rescue mission would lead to this. The plan was to get in, rescue Grogu, get Moff Gideon and walk out - the less damage the better. Needless to say, things didn’t go exactly according to plan, not in a single way.

But you definitely were not expecting an X-Wing to land on the ship and for a Jedi to walk out of there. Not any Jedi: Luke Skywalker. You’d heard a few gossips here and there about how he was the last great one of his kind, but you couldn’t predict that he’d sense Grogu and come get him. Ashoka? Sure. Luke Skywalker? Not in a million years.

It all happened so slow yet so quickly. One minute Grogu was in your arms, pointing at a screen, the next Din was saying goodbye to him, letting him see his face for the first time, while tears pooled across his vision before putting him down and letting the child waddle to Luke and the droid.

All eyes were focuses on Grogu as he exchange some sort of conversation with the beeping droid, before Luke’s eyes met yours.

“The force is strong with you too, Y/L/N”

“Just Y/N is fine.” you correct him, deferring his statement.

“Were you ever trained, Jedi?” he questions you, clearly noticing how unlike a Jedi your garments were - a beskar armor Din made sure to make buy you in Naboo as to protect you as much as possible, given the jobs you carried alongside him. It had cost him a great deal of credits but he didn’t want to hear a word about it. If it’s to keep you safe, I’d sell my own armor, he said.

“No?... I don’t know, I’ve just always felt The Force, I kind of taught myself everything I know."

“Have you ever maneuvered a lightsaber?”

You shook your head “No. Just blasters and spears.” 

“A Jedi must learned to use one.” You don’t like where this conversation is headed and you can see by the way that Din’s shoulders are tensing up, as he stands next to you, that neither is he.

“Do you know the dangers of being your age and untrained, Y/N?” look questions, eyeing you only.

“No.” Din cuts in abruptly, stepping in front of you in a protective manner, his frame towering over you completely cutting your form from Luke’s vision “You’re not taking her as well.”

You can hear the croak in his voice. He is still on the verge of tears but there’s anger in there as well. Luke wants to take his lover away.

You step out from behind him to his side, left hand on his shoulder, forcing his bowed head to look at you. Your eyes meet his and it’s as if every muscle in your body felt like floating up to space. This man melted you every time.

But you have to own up to yourself, looking up at him with eyes as if to exchange a message in a language that only the two of you spoke. As if saying I should go.

His lips tremble and he shakes his head.

“Not you too, cyar’ika.” he begs.

“Din...” 

“Don’t leave me. I’ve lost my home, my son, I - ... Please, don’t leave me” he grabs both of your hands in his, bowing his head and sniffing, as a single tear falls in the back of your hand.

The feeling of the wet drop in your hand opens your own gates, but only slightly, as you try to keep it together for the both of you.

“You don’t need to worry about me,”  you sniff, palming his cheek in your left hand “you have... plenty to figure out on your own.” you say touching the handle of the dark saber hanging from his gun belt.

“I don’t care about that piece of junk, I care about you.”

You wan’t to fight him back. You want to tell him how big of a deal that saber is and how much he should indeed care about it. But that wasn’t Din, that wasn’t Mando. He didn’t care about some stupid weapon or the status that it’d bring him. He went as far as to yield it to Bo-Katan as soon as he could, but unfortunately that’s not how it’s supposed to work. But he didn’t care. He only cares about the people he loves. And that made your heart ache all the most.

You are standing there, shaky breaths looking down at your hands, before sniffling and facing Luke.

“What happens if I go with you?” Din’s head shots up, looking at you,

“Given that you’re way past the normal age gap in which a Jedi is trained, you’d probably be assigned to a Master right away and they’d be responsible for all your training.” Luke explains, Grogu at his feet.

You nod and turn your head to look in Din’s eyes, your voice quieter now “And if I stay?”

“That’s... that’s not recommended as the grasp you have--” he starts

“What if I stay?” you insist.

“You’ll stay untrained, to put it simply. You’ll keep not understanding the dimension of your powers and the responsibilities that come with it. You might misuse it, you might not be able to control it and hurt the ones you love. You might kill without intending to, and you might turn to the dark side.”

“I would never - “ you interject, defending yourself

“It’s a faith you can’t control. Unless you train yourself. Unless you refine your skills.”

You ponder his words. The weight of both options dawning on you as you consider them.

“Even with me having a different Master from Grogu, will I still be able to make sure he’s okay?” you look at Grogu, adoringly. Who knew that little green ball of bald hair, if there even was such a thing, would become such a big part of your life. 

“Arrangements can be made, yes.” Luke assures you.

You nod your head to yourself, eyeing the floor. You have made your decision.

You grab both of Din’s hands once again, this time his are the ones in between yours and you grab them hard. Not as to hurt him but to comfort him about what he knew you were about to say. But before you can say anything he shakes his head, another tear falling down his right cheek.

“Please, no.” he breathes 

“It’s what’s best for everyone, Din.” you plead

“For everyone? I’ve lost my home, I’ve lost him, I can’t lose you too.” he takes a break to catch his breath, sniffling a few times “No, not you.”

“Din... let me go, please, don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“How can you ask me that?” He looks you in the eyes. Those sweet brown eyes and his furrowed brows, asking you how you can even dare to break him this way “Please don’t walk out of that door.”

“If I stay, I might hurt people and I - “

“You’d never do that. You care for everyone you meet you’d never hurt people.” he brings your hands up to his chest, planting them there. You can feel both his breathing and heartbeat.

“You heard Luke...I might not be able to control it.” you try to reason with him “Din, if I ever hurt you I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” 

He bites his bottom lip trying to keep it from trembling and you grab the back of his head, feeling his curls and pulling his forehead to rest against yours.

“Do you trust me?”

“What? Of course I do.” he says in less than a second

“Then please...” you breathe out“ trust that I’ll keep him safe. Trust that I’ll come running back to you as soon as I finish my training.”

Seeing the scenario unfolding in front of him, Luke decides to help you out “She might also act as a link between you and the child. The three of you are connected by a very strong bond and Y/N can act as a communication link.”

You look in his direction, silently thanking him.

“Din.” you whisper his name. Oh how sweet his name has always sound in your voice. Every time you’d call him his heart would flutter inside is ribcage, but he would never admit to that. But he understands you.

“It is for the best, isn’t it?” he whimpers quietly, barely above a whisper.

“It is. I know it hurts. Fuck, it hurts so bad, but it is.” 

Pulling slightly away from you, he reaches into his back pocket taking out something before offering it to you, on the side that is hidden from the other presences in the room.  He reaches down into his pocket taking out the sphere.  When he opens his gloved hand, you can see it’s the tiny sphere from the Razor Crest that Grogu loved so much.

“I want you to give him this.”

You shake your head, carefully closing your fingers over his “No.” 

“But the kid -”

“Din, keep it.” you know it’s the only thing that he’ll have to remember the kid “You’ll need it more than him.”

There is silence, at last. Only both of your altered breathings can be heard for a while until you notice Din’s hands shuffling at the bottom of your peripheral vision. Looking down, you can see that he is taking his gloves off and your brows furrow in confusion. 

Before you can process whatever was happening, his hands, his ungloved hands, come up to rest on both sides of your face and he holds you there. His hands are a little rough but you don’t mind - they are all the more warm and gentle as you feel his skin against yours. His thumbs wipe a few tears away from the corners of your eyes as they stare at him. His right hand slides slightly down from your cheek to your lips as he wipes your top lip, carefully, feeling the softness of them. His delicacy causing you to lean into his palm and placing your corresponding hand on top of his. 

He wanted to touch you. If this were the last thing he gets from you, he’ll be happy with it. Slowly, Din then dips his head to join your lips with his in a passionate but sweet kiss, your hands still on top of his, cherishing his touch as much as you could. Despite your eyes being close, you can tell he was crying just as much as you as you could feel tears that weren’t yours come in contact with your cheeks.

Pulling away, but not enough to separate your faces, your foreheads rest once again against each other. One of his hands finds it’s trail to where your heart would be and he rests it there, you doing the same to him with your opposite hand. Feeling each other's heartbeat, connecting. 

A few moments pass until you hear his voice again.

“This isn’t a goodbye is it?”

You shake your head slightly. “Not in a million years. We’ll both be back to annoy your ass before you can even notice.”

This causes him to give a half-hearted chuckle, yearning for the day when that happens. “If you come back-”

“When I come back...” you are quick to correct him.

“ When you come back, the first thing I’m going to do is make you my riduur, I promise you that much.” you squeeze his hand, intertwining your fingers with his. 

“And I promise you that I’ll say yes, in a heartbeat.”

His head shifts slightly and he rest his lips against your forehead, whispering the words that until a year ago he would’ve never dreamed of ever saying to someone, but that he has since said so many times. But only to a single person. Only to you,

“I love you.”

“I love you.” you assure him against his chest.

Taking a big breath in, you pull away taking a good look at him one last time. Until suddenly you feel a tug on the bottom fabric of your armor. Looking down you can see Grogu with his little arms up, gesturing for you to pick him up.

Laughing between the tears, you reach down and pick him up, facing Din. In any other occasion, one could interpret the way the three of you were standing as a mother holding her child, saying farewell as the father heads out to work. But this reality is so much more painful. In this reality you’re both the ones leaving, and what you leave behind has a wound that won’t be fixed for a long time.

Tilting your head close to the kid you prop him to say his goodbye “Say bye bye to Din.”

Grogu’s little 3-fingered hand shakes as much as his arms allow him to in front of him as he coos, probably thinking he was articulating an actual farewell. Before you can a step away, Din grabs the back of your head one last time, kissing you between your eyes, before letting you go.

You step in Luke’s direction, communicating through The Force how grateful you were with him for being so patient, and he nods in acknowledgment.

“May The Force be with you.” he says to Din, who nods his head.

The four of you turn to walk away, but Grogu manages to climb up your arms and stay looking at Din as he gets farther and farther away. When you all reach the elevator you turn to face him one last time, using the force for what you never did before - connect with him.

I will always let you know where we are.

And as his eyes soften, you hear a response.

And I’ll always be at the ready to fly to you.

✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸ ✸

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