#The way they blend is mm good though they have to be corralled by colored pencil

[pigeon-noises]

Testing my new markers with Furina

[ohmytheon]

precious and fragile things (rebelcaptain, 2)

Yeah, this is going to be a three parter. I was supposed to do something in this part, but had to move it to the next one and now I'm grumpy because I should make it four parts. My brain just had other ideas. Second part to this request. This chapter focuses a little more on Jyn and Cassian's...evolving relationship.

Summary: After the unexpected deaths of their mutual best friends, Cassian and Jyn must work together despite their differences to help raise their friends’ two year-old son. Of course, what neither one of them anticipated was how their own relationship would change from a tense friendship to something much more. (A Modern AU based on the movie, "Life as We Know It".)

precious and fragile things part two

The good days were some of the best days of Cassian’s life and that was saying something considering that they were smack dab in the middle of the most trying, difficult period in his life as well.

It was beautiful outside and both he and Jyn had the entire day off for once. He’d suggested that they all do something together. As a family, he’d mentally added, but hadn’t said aloud. It sounded like too much. And so they went to the zoo after Jyn mentioned that she had never actually gone herself despite living here for years. It just wasn’t something single people did, according to her. She had not asked why he had gone, although she had given him a strange look after saying it.

Poe absolutely loved it. He spent the entire morning rushing around the house, bumping into things, until it was finally time to go. He babbled the entire ride there, so fast that most of it was impossible to understand, but from Cassian could gather, he was very excited about birds. Poe had an early fascination with anything that was in the air, be it animal or machine. While most kids talked about tigers or monkeys, he was animated about eagles and hawks. Even the pigeons at the park fascinated him, although he was rightly leery of swans and geese.

There was a small smile on Jyn’s face as she read through emails on her phone in the passenger seat. Despite appearing distracted, Cassian could tell that she was listening to Poe’s rants.

They had only just entered the gates of the zoo when an employee somehow managed to corral them in the center of a circle. “How about a picture of the family?”

Jyn appeared startled, eyebrows set defensively, her mouth open to say something, deny everything, but she immediately clamped up when Cassian slid an arm around her shoulders. He didn’t pull her towards him, but she leaned into him anyways as if without thinking. In front of them, Poe kicked his feet wildly in his stroller and beamed cheesily. It was, Cassian thought, the stereotypical family photo that he could never remember taking, although he was certain that he must have with his mother and father before they died.

The employee took their picture, gave them a card, and told them that they could pick the picture up later if they liked. Cassian pulled his hand away to take the card at the same time as Jyn slid out from underneath him. It was a subtle movement with her bending down to speak to Poe as an excuse, but one that he noticed nonetheless. He told himself that it didn’t hurt.

Poe was too antsy by the time they neared where most of the birds were, so Jyn let him out of the stroller. She had to take his hand almost immediately before he could run off towards the nearest enclosure. Instead, she let him pull her forward as Cassian pushed the empty stroller. They’d considered not bringing it, but couldn’t guarantee that Poe wouldn’t get tired or cranky from the sun. Cassian stood to the side and watched as Jyn read the info of each bird aloud to Poe, who listened with rapt attention. He pointed out the different colors and sizes and cheered with delight when one of them flew.

To be honest, Cassian could not recall a single moment in his life that felt as peaceful and normal as this. Kay would probably harp on him about needing to see the precinct’s therapist if he ever mentioned that out loud. The old sting that this didn’t belong to him crossed his mind -- it wasn’t his moment to have; it should have been Kes and Shara’s -- and yet he still felt happy and light.

The good days, he knew, were important to treasure and remember because the bad days, well… The bad days were the lowest points in his life, especially because he knew that there wasn’t a damn thing that he could do to make them better. Those days, Poe went to Jyn, all tears and trembling, which left Cassian feeling alone and adrift amongst all the things that had been lost.

“Cassian, look, a baby giraffe!” Poe exclaimed, pointing at what Cassian assumed was a female giraffe and its calf. The kid had to peer through people’s legs and the fence to get a view.

When Cassian stepped forward to look as he was asked, Poe turned to him and raised his hands. The unspoken question tugged right at Cassian’s heart. There was no way that he could deny Poe and so he swept the boy up and maneuvered him into his shoulders. Behind him, he felt the gentle pressure from Jyn’s hand on his back as she helped Poe gain his balance. It was a hot day, which could only explain why his skin felt hot under her touch.

The day went like this. The three of them looking at animals, he and Jyn swept away by Poe’s enthusiasm, taking turns walking with him and carrying him until finally it started to catch up with him. Cassian returned Poe to his stroller as Jyn walked off to get them ice cream. While Poe still seemed to be having fun, it was easy to tell that he was getting tired from the way he slowly stopped talking as much.

Jyn returned with their ice cream and sat down across from him at a picnic table. The sun glowed on her face, although her eyes were hidden by dark sunglasses. This was a familiar look for her to him.  She was good at wearing things that hid herself. It wasn’t quite the same way that he was able to blend in anywhere when his job called it; more like she was projecting a feeling that told people that she was a uncrackable safe. However, after today, he’d seen through a few cracks.

After glancing at Poe, who had gone silent, Cassian grinned a little and nudged Jyn. When she looked over, she snorted at the sight. Poe had fallen asleep with his ice cream cone still in his hand and the vanilla ice cream smudged all over his face. She handed Cassian her cone without thinking -- although she did casually say, “Don’t eat it,” -- before cleaning Poe up with some hand wipes.

“He looks like he’s getting better sleep than I’ve had in over a decade,” Cassian pointed out.

“Ten bucks he’s dreaming of birds,” Jyn added.

Cassian smiled. It was a good day.

*

And then there were the bad nights. Jyn feared those the most. She wasn’t good at comforting, never had been, and actively avoided it, if she was being honest. Cassian was better, having had a lot of practice with it as a cop. She was never the bearer of bad news personally. When she broke bad news, it was in a magazine and sometimes got her hate mail or even a few death threats over the phone if it was particularly nasty.

So she could not understand why that whenever Poe was upset or scared, he came to her of all people.

He’d been having a rough night, crying loudly for Shara and refusing to eat dinner. It didn’t piss her off so much as exhaust her. All Jyn could think was how much she missed Shara as well. She would know what to do. As Poe smacked the spoon away and practically screamed, Jyn glanced tiredly at the clock, wondering what time Cassian would get back. Poe didn’t fight so much about eating with him. She could only imagine how difficult bath time was going to be tonight.

It was just as rough as she imagined, but not for the reasons Jyn expected. Poe didn’t scream or wail, but sat curled up in the tub sniffling and weak under the bubbles and water, his toys floating uselessly around him. She tried to make it fun, she really did, even if she didn’t know what she was doing, but he was having none of it. Instead he stared listlessly at the wall, never once looking at her, as she attempted to coax him into interacting until she finally gave up and washed him in silence.

Once she got him in his footie pajamas though, he clung to her tightly and she knew that bed was out of the question. Both of them were tired by now, but neither one of them wanted to go to bed. She carried him to the living room, turned the tv onto his favorite cartoon channel, and sat on the couch with him. While she scribbled out some notes in a notebook on the arm of the couch with one hand, she played with his hair with the other as he laid against her, quiet and limp.

She must’ve fallen asleep though because the next thing she knew she was being carried gently up the stairs.

Jyn’s first instinct was to panic, jerk away and fight with whoever had a hold of her, get to Poe, and run, but then a familiar scent of cologne wafted over her. Cassian, her mind told her. It was Cassian that was holding onto her very carefully, carrying her up the stairs to the bedroom like she weighed nothing. She’d fallen asleep on the couch with Poe while watching television and trying to work.

Shifting slightly, she moved to wrap an arm around him and buried her face in his shirt. He was still in his work clothes. Under the cologne, she could smell the stale station coffee that he must’ve been drinking all day. “What time is it?” she mumbled into his chest.

“About three,” Cassian replied quietly. His grip tightened on her the second she spoke.

“Mm, you’re late,” Jyn pointed out, though it wasn’t really much of a complaint. She could’ve walked the rest of the way, asked him to set her down and mumbled some thanks, but she didn’t. It was easy to stay in his arms.

“I know, sorry.” He shifted her in his arms as he pushed the door open to her bedroom. “Rough night?”

“You’ve no idea.” Jyn took a deep breath. He smelled safe, was all she could think. It was one of those half-formed, sleepy thoughts that she couldn’t look in too deeply, if only because she was so tired.

He laid her on top of the bed like she was the most fragile thing in the world. Ridiculous really. Jyn might’ve been made of glass, but it wasn’t the kind that was easily broken. She knew what she was like. She was shattered glass, jagged around the edges and sharp enough to cut anyone that touched her. Cassian wasn’t afraid though. He was careful with her in a way she could not remember anyone else being. It made her strangely want for more.

When Cassian moved to leave, she reached out to snatch his wrist. Wasn’t really sure why she did. He stilled very suddenly and this time it was like he was the jittery animal close to running away. Neither one of them said anything, just breathed in the dark. So many things died on her tongue, even more from her mind, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn’t want to be alone. It was a foreign desire. She had always been alone -- preferred it that way -- but tonight...

Poe’s screams echoed in her mind. “You’re not my mommy! I want her! I want mommy!”

God, Shara, I will never be able to compare to you, Jyn thought weakly. What am I supposed to do?

Cassian’s whisper of a voice pierced the dark. “Jyn?” He sounded almost fearful, which was also ridiculous. She was certain that he had faced more frightening situations than this one.

“Stay,” Jyn finally managed to say. She didn’t look at him -- couldn’t look at him. She was tired and worn thin and knew that she would not be able to hide her thoughts from him right now. One look and he would be able to read everything on her face and she couldn’t bear that. But even worse, she couldn’t face the rest of the night alone. The nightmares would come. “Please?”

Cassian took a breath. He relaxed slightly under her grip, but she could tell that the tension hadn’t completely left him. “Okay.”

She reluctantly let go of him and rolled completely onto her side, listening as he stripped down. His shoes thumping to the side of the room, the quiet way he unbuttoned his shirt, the sound of his belt and his pants sliding to the floor. When he crept in beside her, he brushed against her accidentally. Boxers and an undershirt. He kept a proper distance from her in the bed, which helped her breathe. It was like he was there but wasn’t. With her and yet not. It both put her at ease and made her wish for more.

“Rough night as well?” Jyn asked, unable to stand the silence. “You barely fought.”

Cassian was quiet for a while, making her wonder if he’d somehow managed to fall asleep already or was merely pretending to in order to get out of awkward pillow talk, but then said, “Yeah, rough night. It’s usually fine, but then  I’ve never… I’ve never had a reason to want to come home before.”

Something warm and unfamiliar blossomed in Jyn’s chest. She wanted to roll over and face him, but was too afraid of what might happen if she did. If he was looking at her, she knew exactly what would happen. They shouldn’t even be doing this. It made things complicated. But having him so close and yet far away at the same time was beginning to drive her crazy.

“Me either.” Jyn bit her lip. “I’ve never wanted anyone to come home either.”

The bed dipped behind her as Cassian moved. She sucked in a gasp of air, unable to breathe, when she felt his arm drape over her. It was very proper. He didn’t grab her, pull her towards him, or even hold her. It was just...there, a simple touch and gesture, like when he had slid an arm over her shoulders at the zoo for the picture. She didn’t think he knew that she’d seen him buying it before they left when he’d told her that he was using the restroom. Closing her eyes, she rocked back slightly until her back was against his chest. She could’ve sworn that she felt him hitching a breath. His arm tightened a little over her.

It had been an awful night, one of the worst, but this, she thought, wasn’t so bad.

*

The clock read 11:08 pm when Jyn stumbled into the house, one hand on her head, her wet hair shielding her face, and the other fighting with the keys stuck in the front door. Cassian looked up from the paperwork that he was reviewing at the table in the dining room to watch her struggle and curse under her breath. The moment she finally got the door shut and turned around, however, he jumped to his feet, the chair scraping the wood floor underneath him.

“What in the hell happened?” Cassian demanded as he rounded the table and headed directly towards her.

Jyn scowled at him, clearly not wanting to talk. It would’ve been a fierce one too, if not for the bleeding cut over her eyebrow and the shiner forming around her eye. She was soaked from the rain, looking as if she’d ran a mile in it, and her face was pale from the cold. Still, she let him guide her to the table and sat down when he pulled out a chair for her.

“What happened?” he reiterated in a firm voice. He knew that being gentle with her wouldn’t get him any answers, at least not right now. Jyn was the type of person that had to be bowled over sometimes in order to drag a single word out of her and he could tell that she was in a furious mood. He didn’t mean to use his harsh voice meant for interrogations, but that was how it came out anyways.

Nonetheless it worked, albeit slowly.

“I was waiting for an informant,” Jyn admitted, “when someone tried to mug me.”

“Seriously?” Cassian looked her over, trying to discern if there were any more injuries, but he didn’t see any. She was hunching over a little. Maybe her ribs hurt from a hit or two that had gotten in. “Tried to?”

“Yeah, he didn’t get anything, so I’d say his mugging attempt was a failure,” Jyn replied dryly. She was starting to shiver, so he got up and helped peel her out of her worthless jacket. This time, he did notice her wince, so he knew that she was hurt elsewhere, despite her own failed attempts to hide it.

“How did you get away? Did you call the cops?”

Jyn rolled her eyes. Calling the cops, in her opinion, was probably a waste of time. Irritation briefly flashed in him. She could’ve called him. But what could he have done? He was here watching Poe tonight while she was working. The call would have only gotten him worked up. “I sacrificed my umbrella to the cause -- beat him with it until it broke and he ran off screaming about me being a psycho.”

Cassian snorted, but said nothing as he left the room to get some supplies from the downstairs bathroom. It was all too easy to picture her doing just that. He was almost surprised she hadn’t chased the guy down to beat some more sense into him just because he pissed her off. Maybe it was turn him away from crime. When he returned to the dining room, Jyn was gingerly touching the swelling around her eye.

“Here,” he said, handing her an ice pack. She mumbled a thanks and pressed it to the side of her face. He sat down next to her, pulling his chair closer, and got to work cleaning up the cut. It wasn’t as bad as it looked, just got her in the right spot to cause a lot of blood to gush out. He thought there might be a scar if she didn’t get stitches, but he knew better than to suggest a trip to the ER and he didn’t have the supplies.

Jyn pulled the pack away. “How do I look?”

“Like shit,” Cassian supplied.

“I was hoping for dangerous or dashing.”

“You’re too short.”

She punched him in the chest, not too hard, but enough to cause him to flinch. Didn’t stop him from grinning though.

He was close to being finished when he started to get that feeling in his gut again -- the one he’d had the night he had come back from an undercover mission and again when she’d asked him to stay with her. It was hot and overwhelming. He’d had to fight the urge to grip her tightly and kiss her neck that night. Now he felt the urge to sink his fingers in her hair and pull her into a kiss. The sense of urgency and fear that had struck him when he saw her bruised and bloody face still beat in his heart, alongside the relief he felt that she was okay.

“Cassian?” Her voice was quiet. He suddenly realized that he’d paused in his work and had started to stare at her, but then she was staring back at him. She licked her lips. Despite the black eye, he couldn’t help but think that she really was beautiful. He’d recognized before that she was attractive, somewhat begrudgingly, but it was more than that now. He had never known a woman with as much fight in her.

Whatever might have happened -- whatever possible mistake they could’ve made -- was interrupted by a terrified wail to their right.

Both Jyn and Cassian jerked away from one another and snapped their heads in that direction. There was Poe in his favorite blue airplane pajamas, tears in his dark eyes, which were directly focused on Jyn. “Face!” he exclaimed before turning around and running to his bedroom.

Jyn groaned and buried her face in her hands. “Oh my god.”

“It’s okay,” Cassian said hastily as he got up and placed his hands on her shoulders.

But she shrugged him off. The time for comfort had passed. “My face scared him.”

Cassian settled her with a hard look. He knew that it wasn’t the best time for it, but something had to be said. They had avoided talking about it for three months. Both of them had dangerous jobs at times, but the difference was that she actively put herself in danger. And for what? A story? It was important to her, he knew, but he couldn’t fathom why she was so reckless about it.

“You can’t keep doing this,” he told her.

Jyn looked up to give him an incredulous look. “Doing what? My job?” She scoffed. “Oh, so you’re the only one allowed to put himself in harm’s way. Right, got it.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” Cassian countered. She leaned back in the chair and put the ice pack against her face again, refusing to meet his eyes. “You can’t tell me this is the first time something like this has happened. I bet you’ve gotten yourself in trouble before. There was that restraining order against one of your so-called sources--”

“Looked me up in the database, did you?” Jyn snarled.

Yes, he had and he shouldn’t have done it -- he knew that it was an invasion of her privacy, something she very much cherished, even if it was public record -- but the damage had been done and it had been very telling. She put herself in the position to get hurt. She was reckless and didn’t care what happened. But even worse, every time something did happen, she was alone.

“I’m not telling you how to do your job,” Cassian sighed. “I just want you to be more careful, not for my sake, but for Poe’s.” He knew that using Poe was a cheap shot, but it was the truth. Immediately, all of Jyn’s defenses crumbled and whatever arguments and scathing words she had saved for him vanished into thin air. She slumped in the chair and looked down at her feet. “Next time you have to meet a source in some shady part of town in the middle of the night, would you please let me know? I can come with you. I’ll keep my distance so they won’t even know I’m there.”

“What -- like you’re my protector from the shadows?” Jyn drawled.

Cassian folded his arms across his chest. “I was thinking more like your backup.” When she finally looked up at him, the anger was gone from her face. She looked, well, kind of pitiful. Black eye and butterfly bandage over her eyebrow, hair plastered against her head, her clothes still dripping. And yet beautiful. “You don’t have to do everything alone. We’re in this together.”

There was an unreadable expression on her face, but she nodded her head anyways. He took a deep breath, relieved that the matter was mostly settled, and then left to go attend to Poe, who was probably crying in his bedroom. The poor kid had just been startled. It was a very sensitive time for him. Even as he calmed the boy down, thinking that this was something Jyn usually did, he thought back to her. They were supposed to be together in just raising Poe. When had it started to feel like more?

*

“For the record, I think this is a terrible idea,” Jyn hissed at her former roommate and best friend.

Bodhi had the nerve to shrug his shoulders. It didn’t even look like he was trying to care. “You two deserve a night of freedom. You both have been working and taking care of Poe non-stop without any regards to yourself. Very admirable, yes, but not very healthy.”

Jyn shot his reflection in the mirror a withering look that only made him smile. “I wouldn’t describe Cassian and I as ‘very healthy individuals’.”

“You’re definitely right,” Bodhi laughed. She reached out to smack him, but he jumped out of her reach at the last minute, too used to her ways. The man was insufferable and yet she loved him. They’d known each other for years and so far he was the only one that had been able to stand her longer than two. Even despite her chaotic ways, they had been good roommates.

Turning around to face him, Jyn took a breath and put her hands on her shoulders. “How do I look?” A decent pair of jeans that fit her snugly, a nice dark green shirt that Bodhi said brought out her eyes, a black leather jacket, and a pair of black boots with a small heel. Her hair was pulled up into a bun, as it usually was, but looser with a few strands hanging out, and she was only wearing the sparsest of makeup.

“Hm.” Bodhi tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Like you’re trying to look like you’re not trying.”

“I hate you,” Jyn informed him. Bodhi only laughed again.

Cassian was talking to Poe downstairs, telling him to be good for Bodhi while he and Jyn were out. She could tell right away that Poe was only halfway listening, distracted by the cartoons in the other room. When she appeared, his attention snapped to her and he ran to hug her legs. Cassian huffed, knowing full well that he hadn’t gotten entirely through to the kid, and stood up while she hugged Poe goodbye.

Poe and Bodhi waved at them as they walked out and Jyn heard Bodhi distinctively say, “Let’s eat some candy now that they’re gone,” as he shut the door. She really did hate him.

Both she and Cassian agreed that they didn’t want to go too far, so they went to the nearest bar, the one that she and him used to meet Kes and Shara at whenever they had a free night. It felt weird walking in and not hearing her name called. Cassian must’ve sensed her hesitation because he placed a hand on the small of her back and guided her inside. Once they were at the bar, she resolved to not let it bother her and ordered a double bourbon on the rocks. He raised a curious eyebrow, but didn’t comment on it, just drank his beer.

“Want to play darts?” Cassian asked instead.

“Do you not remember the last time we played?” Jyn rounded on him and leaned back against the bar. He shook his head. “I crushed you and you spent the entire night pouting.”

“Then I demand a rematch.”

Jyn had forgotten how much she liked competition. It always got her riled up. It was part of why she enjoyed her job so much. The rush to get the scoop before another journalist, to find the best sources, to dig down until she was able to find the truth, no matter how gritty it was. She loved it.

As they played, she stood to the side whenever it was his turn, watching him toss the darts. He’d gotten better since they had last played, but she was still better. Despite herself, her eyes raked over him each time he carefully took aim and threw a dart. He was wearing casual black slacks and a tucked in white buttoned up shirt that was loose at the top with the sleeves rolled up. His hair looked more styled than normal, but also like he could’ve just ran his fingers through it. He looked nice without looking like he was trying to look nice. So basically he had managed the effect that she’d apparently been going for. Slick, as usual.

He looked ridiculously good.

Not that she was going to let that distract her. She still beat him at darts.

Both of them were conscientious of their time out. While Cassian got them another round of drinks, Jyn stepped out to call Bodhi to check on Poe. Everything was fine, he reassured her.They were playing with the dog and Poe was getting sleepy. He told her to enjoy herself like he was scolding her. When she stepped back inside, Cassian had found them a table.

The night wasn’t as awkward as Jyn might’ve imagined. They actually got to talk for once without the threat of being interrupted or caught looming over them. The alcohol didn’t hurt. It loosened both of their tongues a little. She had found that, much like her, Cassian was very closed-mouth about himself. He talked about his partner, Kay, who sounded like someone that would dislike her, and his hard ass boss, who she knew would absolutely hate her. She told a few stories about her boss, Saw, who sometimes acted like they were militants, not journalists.

But what she really liked was getting to know more personal details about Cassian. He carded his fingers through his hair whenever he was embarrassed or he would swirl the bottom of his beer bottle around the table whenever something caught his interest. His lips would quirk up in one corner when she said something amusing. He also had no trouble keeping eye contact where she struggled with it at times but only with people she liked. She did not want to admit that she was having trouble now.

“Okay, you got me in darts, but I bet I can beat you in pool,” Cassian dared.

Jyn grinned. “Oh, you think so?” She slammed her finished drink on the table and stood up. “Alright, let’s see what you’ve got, hot shot.”

She probably didn’t need another drink so soon, but she got one anyways. This time to she got a beer like him and then moved to the pool table, setting their drinks down on a tall table top. He set up the game this time, allowing her to break. He wore that amused, half grin on his face as she leaned down to take her shot -- and then laughed when she scratched right away and lost. What a piss poor way to start off.

The second game, she fared better, but it was obvious that Cassian wasn’t just good at pool. He was a shark. He beat her while she still had four balls on the table, making combo shots seem almost effortless. It pissed her off. He hadn’t truly warned her at all.

“A lot of undercover assignments in bars,” he explained. It did not satisfy her.

The third game, she managed a little more, but the longer they played, the more aggravated she got. She had never been excellent at pool, but she’d never been this bad either. She even managed to knock a ball clean off the table and watched with a scowl as it rolled across the bar floor.

When Cassian returned with the ball, he was shaking his head and said, “You’re hitting them way too hard.” Jyn practically snarled in response, but it didn’t seem to deter him or make him feel any less amused. “Here, let me.”

At first, when he stepped in behind her, she didn’t think anything of it. She was too busy scowling at the pool table in front of her. And then she felt him lean over her and all of her senses went haywire. Suddenly, she became hyper-aware of everything. They bent over the pool table together as one, him hovering just a hair’s breadth behind her, his hand folding over hers on the back of the pool stick. It was like one of those cheesy come on moves that she’d seen other guys pull and had made her laugh, but she was not laughing right now. In fact, she was barely breathing, what with the way his lips were so close to her ear.

“Just lightly tap it,” he murmured into her ear. His breath was hot and yet it made her shiver. She felt snug against him, like the night he’d stayed in bed with her, except a lot hotter and more alert. When they hit the cue ball together, it was gentle and the nine ball sunk into the pocket smoothly without her scratching or causing another ball to fly off the table. “Very good.”

The alcohol had to be going to her head. She felt overheated and almost dizzy. When he pulled away from her, she leaned back, almost like she was trying to chase his body, and then frowned at the table. How in the hell was she supposed to concentrate now when all she could think about was the weight of his body pressing against her? Even worse, she couldn’t help but wish that he had done more. It was like he was just there, on the edges, testing the water, before reining himself back in before he did anything improper.

There were a lot of improper things she would like him to do to her right about now. Predictably, she lost again.

They stayed for a little while longer, but neither one of them seemed to be able to concentrate. Whether their minds were on each other or Poe, Jyn couldn’t be sure. It did feel good to be out without having to worry. It had been a long time since she’d done something like this, even before Poe, and even longer since she’d enjoyed herself so much. Of course, she was frustrated as well. The slow way Cassian dragged a finger around the lip of his glass as he gazed at her was beginning to drive her mad.

“You want to head out?” Cassian asked.

I want you, Jyn thought furiously, but nodded her head.

They paid their tab and left the bar. It was only a ten minute walk back to the house, but it felt like miles. The two of them kept brushing and bumping into one another, neither one of them bothering with apologizing. Both of them knew that it wasn’t accidental or because of the alcohol. She wanted to be close to him. She wanted him to touch her. It surprised her, honestly, how much she wanted all of it.

“Poe was great,” Bodhi told them, seemingly unaware of the tension lying between Jyn and Cassian. “Been out like a light for like two hours. Easiest babysitting gig ever.”

“That’s great,” Jyn said, obviously distracted by the way Cassian was drawing circles on the small of her back. “We really appreciate it.”

“No problem. If you ever need anything--”

“We know who to call,” Cassian finished for him, a slight smile on his face. He sounded a lot smoother than Jyn. In fact, if she didn’t feel the way he was touching her right now, she would’ve thought that he wasn’t bothered at all. He was good at this, much better than her. That seemed to give Bodhi the hint. He was out the door in a minute, Jyn shutting it behind him.

She sighed. “I thought he was never going to--”

Cassian was on her in a second, pressing her against the wall with his body, his lips on hers. She didn’t even think about it; she returned the kiss just as eagerly, reaching up to snag her fingers in his hair. After watching him do it all night, she had to feel it for herself. One of his hands gripped her hip tightly, pulling her against him, as he ran his other hand up her side on the inside of her jacket. When she opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, he ground against her and groaned, the feel of it rumbling up his chest and into hers. But when they began to move further into the room, they knocked a lamp over and both of them stopped to wince.

“We’re going to wake up Poe,” Jyn whispered against his lips.

“Can’t have that,” Cassian murmured. He slid his hands under her and lifted her up, surprising her. It was different kind of carry this time. She wrapped her legs around him for good measure and buried her face in the crook of his neck, kissing him lightly as he carried her to the bedroom.

This time, there was no being gentle. When he dropped her on the bed, he immediately crawled over top of her, his weight hard and needy. She wiggled out of her jacket underneath him and gasped when he nipped at the exposed skin of her collarbone. His hands were all over her, the barrier of her clothes feeling like too much and yet just enough to tease her. She arched underneath him with every touch, sighs and gasps tumbling out of her, and pulled him down against her with her legs. Even through their clothes, she could feel how hard he was.

However, the second she moved to slid her hand in between them and undo his pants, he snatched her wrist and stopped. She dropped her head back against the bed and looked up at him in confusion. Both of them were panting heavily. Every inch of her felt like it was on fire for him and she needed him in order to put it out. All that teasing and he was going to just stop cold?

“Wait,” he breathed, his forehead pressed against her and his eyes screwed shut tight like he was in pain, “wait, I don’t--”

She jerked her hand out of his grip. “Got it.”

But when she moved to push him away, he held on tight to her and wouldn’t move. Instead, much to her frustration, he kissed her again. What in the hell was wrong with him? “Not like this,” he told her. “I don’t want to-- Not like this.”

Immediately, Jyn stilled underneath him and stopped trying to push him away. He was…being gentle with her. That was not something she expected. Guys weren’t typically gentle with her. They took what they wanted and she took what she wanted and that was that. She had thought that that was what he wanted, something without any emotions attached -- make things less complicated -- and yet he clearly didn’t.

“Don’t want to take advantage of a drunk girl?” Jyn asked, trying to sound acidic but failing.

Cassian gave her that half grin that made her heart feel like it might skip a beat. “I think you’re more likely to take advantage of me while I’m drunk.”

“It was a good try,” Jyn sighed half-heartedly.

Even though she didn’t want to, she smiled when he kissed her again. She missed his weight the moment he rolled off of her. He stayed on the bed though and pulled her against his chest so that she was nestled against him. This wasn’t what she’d had in mind the moment he’d kissed her, but it somehow felt even more intimate, which terrified her a little. Cuddling had never been her thing. She never stayed long enough for it and definitely didn’t do it in place of sex.

This was…weird. But not a bad weird.

*

Of course, it did get complicated. She and Cassian did their best not to fall into it quickly. They slept in their separate rooms for the most part, kept an appropriate distance between each other whenever Poe was in the room, and did not get themselves into any compromising situations. There were a few slip ups. Moments when they found themselves pulled into each other’s orbits and were incapable of pulling away. He’d pull her to the side to kiss her while they were making cupcakes or she would drag him down for a kiss on the couch.

His touch felt like a jolt of lightning. She was almost certain that he brushed up against her on purpose and would shoot him a glare every time. That grin always gave him away. She was not one to be toyed with, however, and knew how to fight fire with fire. She would wiggle around when trying to squeeze past him, bend over to tie her shoes, or play with the straw of her drink. That last one caused his eyes to darken every time.

Some nights, it was impossible to stay away from one another. They tumbled around beneath the sheets before it became too much and they would stop before they got out of control. Still they hadn’t had sex. Normally that would have driven Jyn mad, but she didn’t mind as much. She liked to slow build up. At the time, of course, she didn’t like it, but afterwards, she always fell in a comfortable glow as they laid next to one another. She really enjoyed the way the scruff of his cheek rubbed against her skin.

The nights that he was gone for work were the worst. It didn’t matter that he didn’t always sleep in the bed with her when he were here; the fact that he was somewhere, gone, out of her grasp was painful. The bed felt empty and cold without him and she spent at least an hour wondering if he would stumble inside or not.

Tonight, thankfully, was not one of those nights. Cassian was laying beside her, an arm wrapped around her protectively, his breath soft against the nape of her neck. Jyn was just about to fall asleep when she heard the door creak. Her eyes snapped open. Cassian was already in the bed with her. Which meant either it was a very unlucky intruder or…

Poe’s face came into her vision on the side of the bed. “Jyn?”

“Yes?” Jyn tried to remain as neutral as possible and did not move.

“I had a nightmare. I don’t wanna sleep.”

“Okay.”

A pause and then, “Why is Cassian sleeping in your bed?” Blush flooded Jyn’s cheeks. Luckily, Poe was too young to understand what that meant, much less what Cassian sharing her bed meant. “Did he have a nightmare too?”

“Uh, yeah, something like that.” Jyn knew that there would be no avoiding it now. She shifted in the bed so that Poe could climb in it with her. When she moved, Cassian moved as well, pulling her closer, until she rolled over and touched his cheek. “Hey, uh, Cassian, we’ve got a joiner.”

“What?” Cassian’s voice was thick with sleepiness. He blinked his eyes slowly until he caught sight of Poe peering over Jyn and immediately woke up. He jerked back and then froze, looking like a deer caught in headlights. She had never seen him so panicked before in his life. “Oh, Poe, er…”

“I had a nightmare. Jyn is always nice when I have a nightmare. Did you?”

Jyn had never seen Cassian blush before, but she almost laughed when she saw it spread across his face. She would have if Poe wasn’t dangling on top of her. He looked as if he’d swallowed his own tongue and was unable to come up with a single word. Poe crawled over the rest of her before settling in between them. Jyn caught eyes with Cassian and this time she was the one to grin at him. He glowered at her briefly before it vanished from his face when Poe looked up at him.

“Can I sleep here too?” Poe asked. “I’m scared.”

“Of course, bud,” Cassian replied gently, the tension easing out of him. “We wouldn’t want you to be scared.”

Poe was silent for a while, but his eyes were open. Jyn and Cassian glanced at one another again and she shrugged her shoulders. Normally, whenever Poe crawled into bed with her after a nightmare, he didn’t talk and she never asked him about his dreams. She figured he would tell her if he wanted to and she was afraid that she wouldn’t have a good answer even if he did.

“I dreamed you and Jyn were gone,” Poe finally said, “like Mommy and Daddy.”

“Oh, Poe…” Jyn wrapped him up in her arms and he nuzzled against her.

This was what she was used to. It was the only comfort she knew how to give him. Silent but reassuring. She had never been good with words unless they were on paper, but Poe didn’t seem to need them. He clung to her as she kissed the top of his head. When she looked back up at Cassian, there was an incredibly warm expression on his face, open and tender. He reached out to run his fingers through Poe’s hair, stopping when his fingers brushed against hers. Inside her chest, her heart leaped again, like it was trying to reach him, and she didn’t know what else to say or if there even was anything.

She could promise Poe that it wouldn’t happen -- that she and Cassian would never leave him -- but she was sure that Shara and Kes had told him the same thing whenever he was scared. She couldn’t do that to him again. It made her think of her mother dying and her father fading from her life. Everyone leaves, she’d told Cassian, but God, she was going to do everything in her power to ensure that she didn’t.