#This time. I. just. finished. I'm drained I'm not able to understand anything

[kyouka-supremacy]

Sis

[luveline]

hope my boyfriend's okay request.

hi!!! can I request hurt comfort or angst with spencer reid? maybe reader is just an ordinary girl, not that smart, not that pretty, or even a college drop out (like reader from honeybody) so she is kinda insecure when spencer being kind to her or even ask her on a date?

tysm♡

"Do you want to play?" Spencer asks. 

You're flushed before you open your mouth, startled by his sudden appearance and the new haircut he sports, curls locked back behind his neck. "Sorry, I just wanted to sit down." 

"No, I'm just asking if you want to play," he says, shaking the little briefcase he holds between his fingers to emphasise the rattle of the chess pieces inside. 

You've stolen his chess table again at the park. It's how you met, how you continue to meet —you want somewhere to put your book as you read and Spencer hardly ever makes you move, he just sort of sits with you until someone is in need of an opponent. 

"I don't know how. I don't have the smarts." 

Spencer sits down opposite you, placing the briefcase against the white and black chequered tiles. "Playing chess isn't about being smart. Being good at chess takes learned skill, though. It's like learning a language. Most people can say hello and goodbye if they try, but fluency comes with practice." He smiles at you like you're lovely and pretty and someone worth explaining this too, when you're worrying It's filtering out of your head like water through a sieve. Draining, draining, gone. 

"I don't even think I could remember hello and goodbye," you say. Your attempt to smile back at him is pitiful. 

His smile ebbs. "You're sure you don't want to play? I'd go easy for you." 

You curl the cover of your paperback in your hands, deliberating. Chess is one of those games that seems never-ending. It's full of manoeuvres and techniques, openings, closings, all these learned combinations, strategy like nothing you've ever been able to comprehend. You've never wanted to learn because you know you won't be good, even if you try. 

"Okay," you say quietly. "I really won't be any good." 

Spencer shrugs and begins to retrieve the small wooden chess pieces. "I usually win anyways."

"Have you ever, um, competed? Like the grandmaster things?" 

"No, but I had a friend I competed against for a long time. We played a lot of games. He was better at winning, despite my advantage." Spencer arranges your pieces with care. "Do you need me to teach you the opening moves?" 

He explains slowly. When you need help, he gives it, and he doesn't lord it over your head. It's a little shameful seeing the difference in your intellectual capabilities displayed so clearly, and the longer the game goes on the worse you feel, even though Spencer lets you win. 

"You'll get better every game," he says, returning taken pieces to the board.  

"You want to play again?" you ask. "Come on, Spencer, that can't have been fun for you." 

"Why wouldn't it be?" 

"Because I'm a useless opponent? And I don't really have anything else going for me, either, so it must be boring." It's an awkward thing to say, self-deprecating and stilted considering you and Spencer aren't more than acquaintances. You regret it as soon as you've said it but the frustration of the situation sticks around. "I don't understand why you waste your time with me." 

"It's not wasted if it's with you." Spencer looks genuinely confused, shapely eyebrows pinching. "Is that what you really think? I like spending time with you, I don't need you to be a chess expert to find you interesting." 

"But there's nothing interesting,," you insist. 

"Of course there is…" He straightens a chess piece, gaze split between you and the board. "You don't have to say something from a journal for it to be worth saying. You know, I've had a thousand conversations this year, some of them with professors or academic experts, but," —he puts his hand, now finished with the chess pieces, over his elbow, meeting your eyes shamelessly— "the one I replay the most is from a few weeks ago, when you told me why you like to read in the park." 

"That was just small talk," you say weakly, though it hadn't felt small to you, and now you know it wasn't small for him either. 

"Then I guess I love small talk," Spencer says. "Do you want to play again? I'll teach you some good opening moves if you tell me more about you. Deal?" 

You nod hurriedly, and fail to hide a beaming smile. "Teach me the best one." 

"That's what I meant," he says. 

[dimepdf]

𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃𝐍'𝐓 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄 𝐀 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆.+ 𝐊𝐄𝐍𝐌𝐀 𝐊𝐎𝐙𝐔𝐌𝐄

masterlist. / taglist. / any request? synopsis. the first thing kenma worries about when revealing the feelings that you have for him is his own self-worth.

pairing. streamer!kenma kozume x reader

word count. 1.9k

genre and warnings. hurt/comfort, angsty, tooth rotting fluff, friends to lover, streamer!reader, discord calls, insecurity, anxiety, miscommunication, nicknames, mutual pining, crying confessions NOTE BETA'D | — feedback is always welcomed & don't forget to reblog 🤍

Kenma was a sometimes dense type of guy. He wasn't necessarily dumb, just had a difficult time wrapping his head around certain situations. 

His overthinking was the main reason why he felt so left out, even around his own friends. 

It was just the way that his brain was wired, into his confusion and clutter of thoughts.

One of those thoughts was the obvious crush you had on him. What he was mostly confused about was how he just didn't really understand why you thought of him in such a way.

Kenma wouldn't be able to tell exactly when you started showing interest in him, just the moment that it all just started making sense to him. You and him finished live streaming to his audience.

The post-stream tradition was always for you two to stay and chat for hours in the discord call for hours into the night until you would officially tap out to fall asleep against your desk. Kenma didn't really mind your long rants or the random conversations that would last until the next day.

If anything, he had just grown to love your voice and how talking to you just came naturally, to the point where he would multitask anything with you in the background, going about his business usually.

But tonight was a bit different for him. "Hey, "hey you okay Ken?" Your question came through his headset as Kenma sat slouched against his gamer chair, his legs spread out as his head lulled.

Surging forward as he broke from the trail of thought that had turned him completely silent, letting out a small hum in confusion, his eyes glancing over his screen. "Uh, sorry, I think I'm just drained or something." The blonde yawned, looking at the clock and noticing that it was just a few minutes before it would be midnight.

"Go to bed then sleepy," you say in a gentle tone, and Kenma leans his head in his palm as he listens to the clicks from your keyboard coming through your mic as you type in a sense of comfort.

"I know, I just wanted to stay up with you for a bit." He spoke in barely a whisper, hoping his noise suppression was able to pick up his sleepy tone.

"No, just go to bed and call me back tomorrow." The request didn't give much room for discussion as Kenma hummed, blinking lazily at his bright screen before opting that your idea was better than him trying to push himself to stay awake.

"Mkay, I’m heading out then. Goodnight ___."

"Night night, Kenma. I love you." Kenma had heard before he had clicked out of the call, an exhale coming from his mouth as he stretched against the leather of the chair. 

In his head, Kenma was wondering why the phrase he had heard come from your mouth so many times had seemed to sound so much different. He thought that maybe it was just the way you would have said it, speaking more gently than your usual semi-aggressive tone.

Whatever it was, Kenma had trouble sleeping without his thoughts spilling over in an anxious fit, trying not to drown in his own thoughts about you until it just all suddenly clicked all at once.

All the compliments and the way you would speak to him were now just making so much sense to the point where Kenma had to calm himself down from turning into a flustering mess as he lay in bed. How everything that you two would normally do together had just seemed so much more intimate.

It had all just made him feel so sick, not that he was digested in you in any way. 

If anything Kenma thought that you were a very pretty girl which was why he just didn't get it at all. 

Kenma saw himself as the most average guy ever. How could someone as beautiful and funny as you fall for someone like him? You two were nothing alike. 

Kenma usually found himself listening and staying quiet more as you led the conversation with your friends. 

You were always the one to invite him to things and always knew how to make him feel more comfortable whenever he was stressed about talking to new people or handling new situations.

Kenma always thought of himself as the disposable one, always following you about like a lost puppy. 

The only reason why he even had the friends that he did now was that they found you interesting and he just happened to be the package deal that your friendship came with. 

Which would always make him feel so fucking sad, always feeling as if he was holding you back from forming other relationships with people because of his selfishness. 

You were a very friendly person and Kenma always just had the fear that you would make many more friends to the point where you didn't need him anymore.

That thought of heartbreak scared him, so Kenma drifted away from you, not wanting to handle that situation at all, so he did what he did because he did not confront it or you in any way.

The two of you only speak whenever you stream with your usual group of friends. You no longer have your long chats after Kenma, always leaving a call with everyone else as soon as you end the stream. 

Every time that you managed to join a call with him, Kenma would always find some excuse about being too busy planning streams, struggling with his sleep schedule, or just dealing with stuff in his personal life. 

All these were just things he would tell you just to run away from his feelings. Each time he would leave you abruptly, causing an odd hurt in his heart.

Kenma just wished you hadn’t thought of him the same way he would have thought of you, and that he was better off just not knowing or understanding his own emotions as they continued to bubble over to the point where he would have to snap himself out of daydreams about you. 

If he wasn't streaming, he was thinking about you, fantasizing about what could happen if you two had pursued a romantic relationship, one where he could kiss you, hold you, and more thoughts that made him feel ashamed.

When he had gotten your message about wanting to check in on him, Kenma felt a slight tug of guilt in his chest. 

Immediately swipes away the notification and turns his phone on silent, no longer getting notifications, wrapping himself more into his lone streams to help himself feel distracted from dealing with his feelings.

Kenma didn't know how to handle things until they had gotten too out of hand, the routine of dodging and ignoring you expanding long enough to the point of weeks. He doesn't believe he has ever felt this guilt, and he knew that you were most likely wondering what you had done so wrong to be treated so harshly by the one person you would spend most of your time with.

He would see some tweets and comments under your videos from your fans mentioning him or how you just didn't seem to have that usual loud and funny personality that they associated with you, how you just seemed to have changed for the worse in the mood. 

Kenma felt like shit knowing that the reason for your change was all his fault, but he felt like it was all for the best.

Over time, the messages Kenma would get from you just became more depressing to look at, the short and sweet greetings and memes turning into longer paragraphs of you apologizing for something that you didn't even have an idea about.

youruser: can we talk please?

Kenma almost jumped out of his skin when he heard his phone vibrate from you trying to call him. His fingers reacting to her could even process hanging up the call before it could even ring twice.

youruser: i can literally see you online boy.

Kenma continues to reject the second time you call, his stomach dropping again and again with every attempt.

youruser: Kenma. 

The third call is the one that Kenma lets ring before answering.

"Ken-ken!" Your familiar chirping tone pierces through his headphones. Kenma pauses for a second, his thoughts clouding over, scrambling to think of what to say.

He waits for a moment, then says, "Oh, you're kind of loud, hey."

"Wow, that's kind of rude considering that you’ve been ignoring me this entire month. You're lucky that I care about you." Your sentence starts in a softer tone, souring at the end of the sentence as Kenma winces at the fact that you were so forgiving no matter the troubling things and obstacles that he had put you through. 

He much prefers you hating him than forgiving him completely. "I’m sorry, I've just been…busy." Kenma was lying, he knew that you were aware of that.

"Hm, okay fucking liar." You responded irritably as a pregnant silence followed, after settling through the call, even the sound of your typing coming to a halt.

"I don't know how to put this," he starts with an inhale, "but, uh, you have feelings for me." You make a choked up sound over the phone, taken aback by the sudden confession.

"I'm sorry, Kenma," you stammered as you panicked, not giving him a chance to respond before continuing. "I’m so sorry, I can't—don't want anything to change between us, we can just forget about it, please. I don't want to lose our friendship." you ramble on, your voice shaking as you begin to stumble and cry. 

Kenma grips his desk until his knuckles turn white. "No, no, it's not your fault, fuck, nothing's your fault," he begins to console you while also finally expressing the strange feelings he had been suppressing for nearly a month.

"I like you too, and that just—it fucking scares me. I don’t want you to date someone like me when you could be doing so much better. You deserve so much more than what I have." He admits before falling into silence, now that the secret was free Kenma felt as if there was a giant weight lifted off his shoulders finally shedding the burden of holding onto all of his emotions.

"Oh god, you stupid man thing," you sniffle before proceeding. "Kenma, I don't want better than you, I just want you with all the flaws you think you have or all your screw ups. I like that you've always been there for me no matter what. I like that you put up with me and my stupid jokes. I also like that I can talk to you so easily. I mean, that fact that you don't think you're enough is the most insane thing ever to me because you're all that I could ever want." 

"You actually want me?" Kenma asks softly. "I would even make a pinky promise on it."

"Woah, a pinky promise," he repeats with a laugh. "Are you sure? I mean, that's a lot of commitment. You're practically asking to be stuck with me forever."

"I wouldn't mind that one bit."

And with that, everything is back to normal. Furthermore, Kenma could officially call you his girlfriend, just not without turning into a stuttering, bashful mess. 

You found it adorable that he would still somehow be so nervous yet open around you.

It took him some time, but Kenma liked to think that he had eventually got it. It felt wonderful to have finally figured out why you liked him.

🔖 @yazmunson / @prblmtic / @zuuki / @awkwardaardvarkforever / @jadeisthirsting

tap here to be added to taglist.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am I the asshole for going to my bedroom to eat instead of eating dinner with my family?

this is kind of- a couple years old of a story, but it dwells on us a lot. we realized we could send this here and see what others think - because we feel like we were justified and in the right completely, but we still just, get very upset over this and would appreciate other opinions. (from here out, will be using we/us pronouns.)

we are physically and mentally disabled, 20 years old and currently dependant on our mother and grandmother. we have autism and anxiety, are the mental things most relevant for this story(also - these mental disabilities are entirely known by all of our family members). we aren't diagnosed with anything for our physical disabilities, but we suspect we have chronic fatigue syndrome, and we have something causing severe chronic pain.

our aunt had come to visit with her fiance, from another state, and was spending a couple of days with our family.

we enjoy cooking, and we're good at it. we offered to cook dinner for everyone, and because of our aunt disliking mushrooms, she asked us to make a second, separate batch of what we were making for the meal. okay, we're a picky eater as well. we were just happy to be able to make something that we thought everyone would like - and everyone *did* like it! it all turned out really good, the texture of the batch we made for our aunt was a little different than we expected and we were used to, but it all was still really good.

we had been cooking for like...an hour and a half. the entire time, we were out there with our family. there were a lot of people. we had to share the kitchen at one point as well, because our aunt wanted a specific side dish with the meal that we couldn't make, it was her and her fiance who made it.

by the time we'd finished cooking, we were in a lot of pain, tired, overheating, and drained. not to mention just generally hungry. so, we took a bowl of the food we'd made, told everyone that food was ready and they could help themselves. and then tried to go to our bedroom.

every time we cook, we go back to our bedroom with our food, even when it's for a smaller group. we need that chance to recharge.

our aunt started to get on our ass a bit, saying something like "you're not going to stay out and eat with us?" and we essentially responded "no? I'm tired." she essentially stated "but you know, sometimes, family comes first!"

she and her fiance started to get on our ass about it more. note that, her fiance? he is not someone we consider family. we don't dislike him, but he's not someone we know. he is an acquaintance at best. he will be family to us legally when he marries her, and that's it.

it felt like they were ganging up on us, trying to change how we've always done this. we made them food, and an entirely separate batch of it as well, with one alteration, that changed the entire cooking process of the meal. the mushrooms are the very first thing to go in. and we had to handle both different dishes at once - something we had never done before.

we were doing an event together the very next day. "I'll be at the event tomorrow the entire time" is what we pretty much said, before going to our room anyways. (side note - she completely ditched our entire family to spend the entire time with her friends at this event.)

at some later point in her visit, we tried to explain somewhat, "I have mental health issues that make this difficult, and I was in pain, I needed a break." and she essentially said something like "sometimes you need to push through that and just do it anyways." we got frustrated and said "whatever, you don't understand." she tried to say "no, I do understand-" but we stopped her and said "no, you don't." then continued with something else we were doing.

we feel like she was being ableist as fuck, but also just generally rude. but pretty much that's where this ends off. we've thought about this so often since it happened and just want other peoples' opinions I guess.

What are these acronyms?

[davekat-sucks]

Below is my "I strongly dislike Davekat and wish it wasn't canon and don't have ill will towards fans of it, but I do think they are being ignorant on purpose because Dave's character fucking sucks cock after Act 5" rant. Apologies but I needed to share this because it's almost 4/13 and I'm feeling festive.

You know why most of the fandom left homestuck around 2013-2014? cause of long pauses between updates and then we got stupid content that wasn't going anywhere. I left the fanbase DURING [S] game over. I fucking checked out because that was the stupidest fucking flash it could have possibly been and at that point I was waiting for a moment to just give up on the story and come back to it when it was finished.

I'd say most of the homestuck fandom seems silent about what they think about the story. Every fanbase is like that, most people watch from the sidelines and I do that too. I usually say nothing about the media I consume. Sometimes, rarely, I'll go through homestuck's reddit around this time of year and I'll see common sense. (There is hope!) But a good chunk of the people who stayed with the homestuck fandom through all of Act 6, or younger fans who are just joining it now, are able to just take whatever is given to them and not think anything through. I'm not saying anyone in the fanbase is stupid, no, I'm saying that they don't care enough about the story to admit what is good writing and what is shit writing. They don't care about writing. They don't care about the characters. They care about fannon. They care maybe, MAYBE, about activism.

A good chunk of the fanbase seem to be Davekat stans. Why are there are so many Davekat fans? It's because they can just eat the sludge. Maybe they grew up off of it so they can tolerate it. (I think Act 6 does a number on a motherfucker and makes you lower your standards so low that any content will do.)

Some people think any canon gay rep is good gay rep, but who would want to be represented by this? In Homestuck 2, Karkat is demoted to "Dave's boyfriend" and Dave was a selfish jerk through nearly all of Act 6. Dave was such a good character in Act 5, and Act 6 just had him ignore rose's alcoholism and ignore terezi's struggles. He didn't care about anything. Karkat at least somewhat tried to help Terezi or cheer her up. I can't understand for the life of me how someone like Karkat would end up with someone as selfish as Dave was. (Dave was selfish in the pre-retcon bit but still! why show us that? the epilogue was no different Dave abandoned jade instead of talked to her and let him know he wasn't interested in her because he's gay. I hardly recall what was going on at that part of the story, I just remember being dumbfounded that the story reinforced Dave only cares about himself.)

I wish Dave was written differently. I wish he had SOME, an ounce at least, of chemistry with Karkat. Instead what we got was Dave childishly drawing dicks on Karkat's face in some Hussie art and that pretty much sums up their whole relationship. A massive L for Karkat. I'm fine with Karkat being with meenah, nepeta, jade, davepetasprite for christ's sake! Just not the person that Dave ended up being. Why does fixing Dave fall on Karkat? Dave isn't the only shit character. I can't believe that John just gave up fully and completely. I find it hard to believe that Rose, at the end of the story, wouldn't advise John to train with her so he could learn how to use his new powers to go fight the empress. Why doesn't John do more with his powers? Why isn't John a better dad in the new content? I would imagine he would have tried to be like his own dad. Why did the story write Jake the entire way through like he was so worthless he wasn't worth our time and then dedicate so much of the story to him? I could go on and on about this, and I did go off so I will stop here.

This fandom and this story is going to continue circling the drain. The only thing that could possibly save it is a full overhaul and rewrite from people with skill who actually LIKE the characters. If anyone cared about the story THEY WOULD PRESS FOR THAT!!! If anything Hussie wanted to actively destroy any good will the fans had towards it. Maybe he fucking hates the story, I never looked to far into any of the backstory of how homestuck was made but I assume he fucking hated it from how he wrote Act 6. It's so sad to see because most of the characters had something really special about their stories. It's a story that is all about potential. It was crushed under the weight of it's own stupidity. Wait. I'm not done! What the fuck was that part where Dave left a note for Jade that said "I missed you" and a little red band? I didn't ship them but it certainly felt like Dave was into her or at worst leading her on. Am I supposed to believe that Dave was just fucking with her? Was he trying to be there for her? I guess he was fucking with her or trying to be into girls cause he ended up with Jade only to leave her in the epilogue. Why did he turn out to be such a prick!? Why didn't he talk to her? What point is the story trying to make? Abandon everything when you find out who you really are like your old friends don't matter anymore? Dave was maturing in act 5. Why the fuck is the story like this!!!?!?! YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS IS THE SAME MOTHER FUCKER WHO GAVE IT HIS ALL TO HELP? WHO SAVED ROSE'S LIFE AND THEN WENT TO DIE ALONG SIDE HER IN CASCADE? I FEEL LIKE THE ONLY REASON HE TRIED TO HELP BRING JADE BACK FROM THE DEAD IN GAME OVER WAS BECAUSE JADE WAS A SPACE PLAYER AND THEY NEEDED ONE TO TALK TO HER DENIZEN SO SHE'D BIRTH THE DAMN FROG THING OR WHATEVER!? DOES DAVE JUST SELECTIVELY DECIDE WHEN HE'S HAD ENOUGH BEING A COCKSUCKER? IS HIM BEING ABUSED BY BRO A GOOD ENOUGH EXCUSE TO IGNORE HOW LITTLE HE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING?!

WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THAT DAVE IS EVEN GOOD AFTER ACT 6?! WHAT GAME WERE THE REFS WATCHING!?!?!?!

Long story short, Karkat deserves at least somewhat better. Thank you.

Very well said! Everything about this is perfect! People excuse Dave's actions is because of the whole Bro Strider being abusive to him as he grew up. So they think it's okay for him to not move on past it or grow better as a person. Instead, he will just wallow himself in self pity and everyone must feel sorry for him. One could say it's projecting too. Ignoring the fact that Jade had to live ALONE when growing up on an island with an animal guardian. It may be normal for trolls since they have a society that relies on this, but it's not the same for Earth or humans. Not only that, but didn't Dave find out that it was BRO STRIDER who faced against Jack Noir and helped Davesprite ESCAPE? So wouldn't that put into more question about how he feels about his brother and wonder if there was more going on behind the scenes than what he saw? Like why would BRO let Davesprite, who just a Dave from a Doomed Timeline, protect him, knowing how he will be killed? Was his training helpful or did something else make him be this way? It still technically happened by Post Retcon too. So that event and fate is inevitable for Bro Strider. Closest interaction Dave had with Karkat pre-Act 6 is through the memo with John, but even then, he's just fucking around with Karkat. Taunting him to say that interspecies romance is a thing now between the Beta Kids and Trolls and Dave is ready to bang Terezi if Karkat doesn't step up to his game to admit his feelings for her. Maybe it was kind of shitty to use Terezi's feelings and their relationship to mess with someone else that he knows has feelings for her. But dude jumped the chance to use it against Karkat when he thinks humans dating alien trolls should not be a thing. We see Dave do showing kindness. From things like hiding all his dead Daves from Jade so she wouldn't get upset and him having a good time with people like Rose and John. It shows that he is capable of being a good person and probably would wish to be a better one. He wants to be BETTER than Bro. Be someone that treats others better. Maybe even towards his own kids if he decides to have one. But sadly, we live in an age where having a family is a bad thing now. Karkat really deserves better and Dave sucks as he is in these recent HS projects. I don't think James Roach or HICU will make him any better. And Davekat will be hard to make it go away with how the people who work on Homestuck and ones outside of it (like Requiem Cafe) will pander to it because they know it will get the most attention and money. Like carrot on a stick. Even the carrot is rotten, they will still take it.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Having access to them would ease this poor searchers mind 😄 I would love knowing how to find them! Its sucks that the post was taken down though 🫤 so sensitive nowadays

The Arcana HCs: How the M6 found some cool art

~ no comments on the second half of that ask, but here you go anon friend XD (this accidentally turned into a whole fic, so clear directions will be at the end) ~

It started with Portia

There's this book series that she's been a fan of for a long time, and rumor had it that if you went to a certain part of the town square at a certain time of day, the store that sold the books would be displaying sketches that the author had made

Unfortunately, Portia wasn't able to go. She was out of town doing important ambassador business and missed the window to view it

So she spent the next five hours ranting about it to her brother as soon as she was finished unpacking and he dropped by for tea

"Correct me if I'm wrong," said Julian, "but it's just art. Couldn't they show it again?"

"Ugh, I wish. But they said it was an exclusive event, and now some of the people that went keep referencing it and acting like they know more than everyone else, and you know I hate missing out!"

"Understood," said Julian, and he drained his teacup and backed out of the cottage before Portia could keep ranting

Several weeks later, Julian, Asra, Nadia, Muriel, Portia, and Lucio were all gathered at the magic shop. MC was out of town for a while, so they all crowded into their apartment to miss them better

Asra was lounging on the windowsill knitting, Muriel was skulking in the corner next to them, Nadia was reading her messages, Julian was listening to Portia's continued ranting, and they were all ignoring Lucio

"Let me get this straight," Julian began, tired of Portia's yelling

" - you're not." Asra interrupted, lazily stretching as they counted stitches

Julian rubbed at his face and continued. "If you want the art so bad, why don't you just take it?"

"Absolutely not." Nadia somehow managed to issue commands without even looking up from her phone.

"Why does Noddy have a phone?" Lucio asked. Nobody answered him

"Ugh, but I want to see it so bad!" Portia grumbled, letting her head fall into her arms with a thump.

"What was the name of the book series again?" Asra asked, ignoring the warning glare Julian shot their way as Portia geared up for another impassioned speech.

"Lonely Hot People Near You," she said, "but we just call it LHPNY."

"Oh." Nadia said, but it was the kind of "oh" that sounded more intrigued than understanding. "It looks like you might be able to see them after all."

Portia gasped. "Really?"

"Yes, but you'll need a friend."

"I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute!" Julian's arm went up theatrically as he geared up to make his own impassioned speech. "It is every older brother's duty to make his younger sister happy -"

"Okay, but how?" Portia interrupted. "I thought you said not to do anything ... iffy."

"One of the bookstore employees made a post explaining how." Nadia held up her phone and the siblings leaned in. Over by the window, Asra was pulling up the link she'd sent them to show Muriel as well.

"You'll have to use their app."

"What's an app??" Lucio asked, but nobody answered him

"I don't want to have an account with them, though," Julian said. "I prefer academic journals."

"Neither of you has to make an account. Just give them your email. You can delete the app and unsubscribe later if you want to."

"Ohhh." The Devorak siblings nodded and pulled out their phones. Even Muriel looked intrigued at this point.

"Why does everyone have emails?!?" Lucio shrieked, as real-life technology became more involved in a plot set in a fantasy world. Nobody answered him.

"Now what?" Portia asked excitedly.

"Now one of you has to look up 'book club'," said Nadia, "and the other one of you has to sit on the page labeled 'streams' and wait."

"I'll look it up!" Portia crowed.

"I'll wait." Julian sighed.

Nadia nodded and continued. "Portia, have you found the selection you're looking for? Go ahead and pull it up. Hit 'stream' instead of 'play'."

"What happens if I hit 'play'?"

"You'll find a paywall that you'd have to pay about 27 USD to get enough points to unlock."

"For all of it?"

"For the first section. And it would only stay unlocked for one playthrough - if you wanted to see it again, you'd have to pay again." Nadia gave the window an inscrutable look

"What's USD???" Lucio begged, but nobody answered him.

"Got it." Portia stuck her tongue out in concentration, Asra coming to lean over her shoulder and get a peek at her screen.

"Pasha!" Julian looked scandalized. "Hotcatlady69? Really??"

"Join her stream," Nadia said unfazed. "Now that you have an audience, Portia, you should be able to unlock it all without paying anything."

Portia shrieked with delight as she tapped through the artwork on her screen. "These are so cool! Should I save them for later?"

"That's none of my business." Nadia sat back in her chair and coolly returned to her messages. She looked up from her phone again a few minutes later when Portia let out a disappointed sigh

"It's already done, and there were only twelve slides. I heard there were more."

Asra plucked her phone out of her hand and scrutinized the display, smirk tugging at their lips. "It's got multiple parts. Do it again."

Portia gasped and snatched it back. "Yes! Ilya, don't sign off."

"I wouldn't dream of it." Julian sighed and sat back, happy to see his sister appeased for the first time in weeks. "Have at it."

"Oh, that one looks like Muriel," Asra commented from where they were leaning over Portia's shoulder, "send it to me."

"I'll put it in the group chat when I'm done."

Nadia sighed and sent them a mildly disapproving glance. "I didn't hear that."

"Whatever happened to 'be gay, do crime' Nadi?" Asra chuckled as Portia finished her second round of artwork

Nadia raised an eyebrow with a small smile and didn't answer.

"There's only two parts!" Portia wailed, ending her stream and leaning back with a huff.

"Are you done?" Julian asked, long fingers wrapping around his phone and tapping at his cracked screen. "I'm deleting the app, then, I need more room for my theatre recordings."

"There'll be more, see?" Asra pointed at the part on Portia's screen that said "ongoing".

"I guess I can wait," Portia sighed, tapping over to her messages and typing away.

Lucio reached into his pocket, where something was beginning to chime, and shrieked when he pulled out a phone of his own. "WHY DO I HAVE ONE OF THESE TOO?!?" he cried, on the verge of a mental breakdown. Nobody answered him

"Why is he in the group chat?" Muriel grumbled

"I don't know," Julian sighed, "he just is. Oh-ho, this one looks like me."

A few days later, Nadia would overhear Valerius grumbling over Lucio's risk-taking habits when he runs across the town square, scattering the art as he goes after Asra dared him to.

"That Fool," she chuckled.

QUICK INSTRUCTIONS:

open the app

you won't need to make an account, just put in your email and give yourself a username and skip the rest

select "the arcana book club" and hit stream

get a friend to hop onto the stream (technically, your stream needs an audience. you only need one viewer)

it'll all show up on your screen when you vote on "unlock"/"continue"

there's multiple parts, so if you choose to replay it you might see more

there may be more parts added in the future

do with that information what you will, your decisions are yours to make

[killuintense]

Hi mootsss!

I just finished reading Nic's post about the new issues of prompts in fics, things about stepcest, incest directly, noncon or even pedophilia.

I wanted to do something further removed from their post because, first, I want to be able to explain myself well and be able to give the attention that talking about these topics deserves. And secondly, because I would like to be able to speak, as I am the one who has made a series directly from Leon Stepdad, which would also leave the way open for someone who writes about it to explain why the attraction to this type of content.

I'm only going to talk about stepcest because I don't read noncon or anything related to rape, or pedophilia because although I read and write about everything, issues related to minors under 18 years of age are NOT allowed on this profile.

To begin with, I am not a strictly moral person, and on top of that I have a certain morbidity and curiosity about many topics. I've always been into daddy kink since I was a teenager, but I never really liked it. Very crazy because I love stepcest, and this is precisely because I know it's not real. The dynamics that are mixed when writing nsfw and the question of secrecy, of 'they won't find out' and the fact that it is all hidden and taboo makes it more adrenaline-inducing. Then I would talk about the intensity of love and protection that, this does have to do with traumas and mechanisms of draining everything murky that we have experienced in a healthier way (so to speak). I have a bad relationship with my father, and with all the men in my life, so wanting a real man to love me and take care of me is mixed, but at the same time it is mixed with my bad concept of fatherly love.

Precisely for this reason in my stepcest series I try to mention not only the sexual but also what goes beyond it. Leon is my current hyperfixation so I simply channel everything I feel into him, plus I really like his adult version and he gives me comfort in my "trauma", the way he cares for the women around him, or the way you think of him and see him as a single father jsdjksdl. I mean, it's not for nothing that there are so many fics about Leon and baby fever or breeding, because he gives off exactly all those vibes. Now just take a traumatized girl who wants her father to love her and boom, you have my stories or many more about stepdad.

All this leads to my bad perception about what love is, mixed with what I already told you before. I love stepcest! But I wouldn't mess with my stepfather or stepbrother, and if Leon were real he probably wouldn't be with his stepdaughter either, so we understand that it's just fiction but it's okay to talk about it. It would be more worrying if he came here to say "actually I think it's okay to have relationships with family members, etc." so it's perfect to clarify the issues and stop being taboo, we all have different ways of talking about what we feel and Tumblr doesn't stop to be a place where we can talk about what we feel and make it our safe place.

Finally I want to say that even in my free will I don't like reading fics where they characterize Leon badly, you know, all that shit about making him bad and cold???? frightening. So my goal is also to be able to write it well, make it questionable but still have the essence of Leon, obviously.

ily'all, see you later!!

[ashes-writing-corner]

Happy new year guys! I'm back with my first bit of writing of 2024 and it's an update to Ghosts that We Knew! I hope you all enjoy!

Taglist: @stargatenovus

Tw: talk of suicide, organ donation, mention of hospital visits.

Ghosts that We Knew

Part 11- The File and the Call

The heart in your chest was pounding up a storm when you got to the bakery and cafe again. You didn’t want to go to the apartment, not for this. Ellie was still in school, and Ghost had no reason to suspect something was up. You hadn’t told him anything about your virtual meeting with Soap, despite wanting to. For now though, you needed to figure this out on your own. But the question plagued you: If Ghost was your donor, why in the world didn’t he tell you? 

You wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he didn’t know. It was plausible, as being dead could seriously screw with one’s memory you imagined. But then again he remembered that he died two years ago not that long ago. He had tried to take your mind off of it actually. 

It had worked. 

You hadn’t thought of it in a little over a month now. So perhaps he did know.

There was only one way to find out, you knew as you unlocked the door to your business and went inside, only to lock the door behind you. You made yourself a nice cup of tea, the way YOU liked to make it. Ghost wasn’t there to stop you from heating the water in the microwave for it. While you waited, you took a file out of your computer bag, short but with important information. You didn’t have access to your donor’s entire medical history, as that was technically illegal, but with no next of kin, access to the files was significantly easier. Apparently he had signed release forms for his info. However it was only to be given to his donors. He had tried to look out for them in a sense. 

Your memory of that night was still rather fuzzy, even with time passing and all the therapy you had gone through. It was believed your brain blocked it for your own mental protection. It made sense. Your mind was trying to protect itself. A part of you wondered if maybe you were ready to know this. You already felt like your heart wasn’t your own. In reading this, it would only affirm those feelings and ingrain them further into your mind. You knew that knowledge was like a lichen growing on a rock, and what was known couldn’t be unknown…

The microwave sounded, pulling you from your thoughts with a startle. You took a deep breath and left the file to finish making your tea. You needed to be calm for this. You needed to be able to take in this information, and do it as calmly as you could. When you finished making your tea, you finally sat down to look at the information. You took a deep breath as you opened the file. 

And there was the name: Simon Riley. 

Right off the bat you felt the color drain from your face. The file held his basic information, mostly from his last physical, as well as his last psychiatric analysis. He was apparently a very good liar, as he was deemed mostly sound, though the suicide attempt that caused his discharge was noted. He had everyone fooled that he was fine. But the mind had a tendency of catching up with everything else. Maybe that was what happened. He just couldn’t take it all anymore. You went back to reading, very much like what you were reading was an interesting novel. You found that he was in the military, the SAS specifically. That surprised you quite a bit. 

“Holy shit…he was special forces. No fucking way” You kept reading, though some information was still classified and therefore redacted and blacked out. 

Understandable. You were sure the government or perhaps his superiors had their reasons for keeping a good chunk of his information away from the public, even to his donors. But the revelation that he was in fact special forces had you reeling. If you didn’t feel unworthy of the organ beating in your chest before, you sure as hell didn’t feel worthy of it now. You then read the report about his death. 

No surprise, suicide. 

According to the report, Simon had attempted to hang himself in his apartment, specifically in the hallway closet- 

“Holy shit…that explains why he has an affinity for that closet…Fuck…” 

-But the attempt was botched, and all he had succeeded in doing was suffocating himself into a coma. He was found by a neighbor and brought to the royal infirmary in an attempt to save his life. When it was confirmed he was an organ donor, the hospital had to keep him alive as long as possible, as was UK policy, until someone needed his organs. He was there for a year before his first match came. 

You. 

You were the first to get an organ from him, and the most vital one at that. 

Slowly things were coming back. In short flashes, you remembered being rushed to the hospital, how your mom and sister were there with Ellie. There was a lot of rush, and a lot of panic. That was to be expected of course. Among the chaos, the yelling, the noise, and the panic, you swore you could hear someone telling you not to worry. 

“You’ll make it love…don’t listen to them…”

You thought it was a doctor or something, or maybe it was in your head. Maybe that was what death sounded like? But then you thought…what if he was haunting you from the get go? What if that was him you heard? You phone buzzed, pulling you from your thoughts. Looking down, you saw it was Soap. 

You sighed, quick to answer. “Hey…what's up?” 

“I just told the guys about yer situation. We’re all willin’ ta meet if ya wanna talk”. 

“Actually I really could use someone to talk to right now” You admitted, feeling a bit nervous about this whole thing. 

“Whats wrong? What happened?”

“Mister MacTavish-” 

“Please, call me Johnny, or Soap. Either one’s good with me”. 

“Sorry. Johnny…I um…I just got my donor’s file and you called it. Ghost is my donor”. 

“Damn, good call I guess. Listen, Y/N, don’t think for one second he’d be pissed about this. He knew this was what was gonna happen. We just didn’t expect all this, to ever meet one o’ the matches. If anything, he’d be-”. 

“Then why didn’t he tell me? I think he knows…I just haven’t been able to think about it” you didn’t mean to cut him off but this was so damn meta, “I already felt like this thing wasn’t mine, and never truly would be. This just reaffirms it”. 

“Maybe he doesn’t know. We’d have ta talk to ‘im ta find out. When you wanna meet? Travel’s a bit crazy right now with holidays and whatnot”. 

“Whenever you guys have time. I can give you the address to my cafe and bakery, as I think it’d be better to meet here first. If we wanna talk away from him, this is probably the best place to do it”. 

“He doesn’t follow you?” 

“He can’t, so he says. He doesn’t have the energy to. It takes a lot out of him to manifest, and even more so travel I’d imagine. Johnny…I just feel like I’m going crazy. I had this familiar feeling about him when he first appeared to my daughter and that feeling hasn’t diminished. And now that I know why, it feels too obvious. I have his heart, I’m living in his apartment” you paused, gathering your thoughts a bit, “What if I’m meant to do the same thing he did?”. 

“Don’t you dare say that! I won’t hear it!”. 

“I…I’m not saying that I’m going to, but I’m worried about it. I just don’t want history to repeat itself”. 

“It won’t. I won’t let that happen. Not me. Not Price. Not Gaz. None of us. Whatever ya need, we’re here for ya. I promise. I failed Simon the first time, I’ll be damned before I fail you”. 

His conviction was a surprise for you. You had just met him a few days prior and he was already talking to you like a loyal friend. Like you had always known each other. You understood for him this was about redemption, but you honestly appreciated it all the same. At least it seemed he wanted to help, and that was more than enough of a comfort for you. 

“We can meet sometime after new years. Or hell we can do it sooner if we wanna do the meeting like this”. 

“It’ll be far more personal if we met for real. Plus I wanna make sure you and the kiddo are okay. Ghost has a soft spot for kids, always did, but I know hauntin’ can be a serious deal for kids, even if the spirits don’t harm ‘em”. 

“Were you haunted?” You asked out of genuine curiosity. 

“I have a very complex relationship with the spiritual world. I wanna say I was haunted years ago, but if ye’re tryin’ ta ask if I believe in ghosts, yes. Simply put. Hang tight, we’ll see you after new years. Don’t tell him about this. And hey, Y/N?”. 

“Yeah?” 

“Don’t be angry at him. If you wanna be angry at anyone, it should be us. It should be me. I helped drive him to that point. Unintentional as it was, it still happened that way. And trust me, ye’re gonna have a lot more to be angry at me about when we meet up”. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I’ll tell ya once me and the guys get there. I’ll need an address so we’ll all know where ta go”. 

“I’ll text it to you”. 

“Thanks. Be safe, try to stay sane, and don’t lose it on him. If you wanna confront him, do it gently. He deserves that. He saved yer life ya know”. 

You let out a soft sigh. “I’ll try. Thank you, Johnny. Be safe and have a great new year”. 

“Same ta you”. 

Johnny hung up, leaving you with your emotions and thoughts, of which there were plenty of. The problem was how to process them. You’d have to talk to Ghost about this, there wasn’t any other way around. You didn’t want to do it angry, but you couldn’t help but feel the least bit betrayed. 

If you enjoyed please consider leaving a like, comment, tag, or reblog ^.^ I'll see you guys in the next one :D

-Ash

[paimonial-rage]

woes of bookkeeping - zhongli

synopsis: in which the reader tries to argue contracts with the god of contracts

ship: none other than reader’s hatred for zhongli

notes: based on zhongli’s character tale. also, the author knows nothing of chinese bookkeeping, only usa bookkeeping

This is you—Bookkeeper at Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. No one of importance (lol).

This gentleman before you is the most knowledgeable consultant, Mr. Zhongli.

He is well liked by many people that work for the Parlor. The ferrylady describes him as an "amazing" and "generous" person. However, after coming to know him over the past few weeks, you feel these words do not capture him well.

"Ah yes, those specimens bought a few days ago? They were of rare and high quality. The glaze work on the vases are unique to a period over a thousand years old. I presume they were works of the famed master artisan Fangji."

Yes, if you had to describe Mr. Zhongli in one word, it'd be...

"It would have been a shame not to purchase them."

... a parasite.

More specifically, bourgeois parasite whose only utility lied in providing quaint pieces of trivia on demand. However, if draining the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's bank account was a legitimate duty, you could fully say he'd be doing an amazing job.

You often questioned the necessity of his position to the director. After all, ignoring Rex Lapis, when was the last time an adeptus passed? Most of the clients barely required any hint of in depth knowledge to fulfill their clan's funeral rites! However, the director, being young as she is, waved you off in favor of bothering the Liyue Adventurers' Guild for the fifth time this month.

But this was it. You prepared for this moment. After arguing with Mr. Zhongli for weeks, you finally figured out how to pin him down. He seemed to favor tradition and appreciate the rich history of Liyue. He wouldn't be able to refute anything you say!

"Did you know, Mr. Zhongli? When one becomes a citizen of Liyue, they enter into a contract with it. In exchange for living here, the are bound to the laws of Liyue. These are the terms of the contract, you see. And of the many laws, there are quite a few that deal with the exchange of mora. Business transactions must deal with business matters, not personal. This is because this directly affects the tax a business owes. To categorize a personal transaction as a business one would be breaking the law and thus the terms of the contract. Do you see where I am going here?"

You were on a roll. He had nowhere to run. Now you all that was left was the finishing blow.

"I am often asked to conceal these expenses, ah, I mean your expenses, in the accounts. But seeing that Liyue Harbor is the City of Contracts and I am still loyal to our deceased God of Contracts, I'm sure you understand why this puts me in a difficult position."

"Yes, I suppose so."

Even though you wanted to smack that sheepish smile off his face, you couldn't help but feel a bit shocked he agreed with you. Usually he'd slithering his way out.

"It simply is not right to purchase these items on the Parlor's account, wouldn't you agree? They are not being used for funerals, so I am sure your personal funds would be more suitable."

And just like that, his pose shifted and expression changed.

Oh no.

He took the liberty to pause in thought with the grace and humor of a parent dealing with a toddler's tantrum.

Oh no.

"I understand where you are coming from, Honorable Bookkeeper, but if we are to go by your words, if the items are being used for parlor purposes, they would be considered parlor expenses, wouldn't you agree?"

Where was he going with this...?

"Yes, that would be the case, but–"

"And if they are parlor expenses, it would only make sense to use the parlor's funds, yes?"

"Yes, but we both know that–"

"Then there is nothing you need to worry about. The terms of the contract you are concerned with have not and will not be broken."

Your fists shook as you spluttered in outrage.

"Wh-What are you talking about? They are clearly personal expenses! How could they not be!?"

Oh, the look on his face. You could see it from the twinkle in his eye. He found you amusing.

"Ah, perhaps you have not been told, but the contract I have with the previous director includes purchasing supplies for future jobs. All the items I have purchased with Parlor funds have fallen under such category."

No. No no no no no, you weren't going to lose now. You weren't going to let him slip away again!

"B-But upon the appointment of the new director, such a contract would have been nullified--"

"Director Hu decided to inherit it."

You wanted to scream. The two people that spent the most Parlor funds were also the two that had the least amount of brain cells among the employees. Was this why the previous bookkeeper left after a month?

But...

You could talk sense into Director Hu, right? Sure, she never listened before, but if you showed her the state of the accounts and gave your recommendations, she would certainly hear you out, right??? You will have to get on her.

"I will have to talk to Director Hu about this matter."

Maybe if you're lucky, you'll be able to finish everything before reports are due next week–

"Ahh..."

Oh archons no. Whenever he made that pained face, nothing good ever came out of it.

"About that... I heard a few have recommended she alter the terms of the contract in the past, but she turned them down every time."

Oh.

"It will also be a bit before you can meet with her. She left on a business trip this morning and will not be returning for three weeks time."

Oh.

So that's how it was going to be. You got it. You understood. You were abandoned by the gods, weren't you?

You laughed ever so softly as your eyes welled with tears.

"!!!!!"

"A-Ah, don't worry too much about it. She'll be back soon. How about I treat you to lunch...?"

"... I think I'm going to quit."

[oozeandgoo-art]

Well, it looks like Tumblr is officially going down the drain. Not today, but someday relatively soon.

This is one part me reminding myself to tell you that I'm on a bunch of other sites under the same name - twitter i'm oozeandgoo_art, not that anyone wants to use twitter, but on bluesky i'm also oozeandgoo-art. we'll see how much uploading i get done over there, i'm working on posting everything i got but i'm not being super professional about it yet because i didn't feel like it. I also have a telegram channel that posts updates at https://t.me/oozeandgooart . i can't remember what other sites i'm on right this second.

that being said, I don't like to be beholden to social medias and platforms! I've mentioned thinking about it before, but I think I'm going to get more serious about it - if I were to start up an email chain where I basically just send the art I've finished to everyone in the chain, would anyone find that more amenable than going hunting across platforms?

I know I greatly enjoy getting weird robot stuff in my emails, but I'm not sure that holds true for everyone. Hating emails is like a whole meme on here; my irl friends make fun of me (lovingly) for how often i delightedly check my email to see if there's anything new in it. So I am given to understand that the concept of an email every time I draw something may come over very differently for those of you who don't share my rosy outlook on things.

(If you're worried about, like, getting porn in your email when you don't want it, or gore, or etc, I'm going to try and set up multiple "levels" of email list and take people out for certain kinds of content. Or something like that idk. I love filtering things and I love not looking at certain characters and I want to give you all as much freedom as possible, that's just a later step)

Naturally Tumblr isn't going down the drain today, so there's time, but I want to be able to get you all before anything else changes.

[mr-entj]

Hi Mr. ENTJ, congrats on the new job offer. It's good to hear INTJ and Kobe & Co. are doing well, too.

I'm an ENTJ currently in my fourth year of my Computer Science PhD specializing in Machine Learning/Data Mining, and I know that you know how quickly this field moves. There's loads of advice about how "doctoral programs a marathon, not a sprint" and students need to pace themselves and have work-life balance in order to not burn out. Following these principles, I've made it this far unscathed (in terms of mental health deterioration) and managed to stay in my program.

With luck, an understanding advisor, and low amounts of admin work (emails, meetings-that-could-be-emails, etc.), and good self management, I have been able to work 40 hour workweeks for the most part and stay on track. That being said, I am currently in a period of time where I am increasing to 50 hour workweeks in order to meet a conference deadline at the end of June 2023 (time of writing is mid-late April 2023). As long as I show up to work every day and do my best, I expect this paper will be finished by the time my internship starts. This is fine by me; deadlines need to be met, and I want to continue with my current 5-year PhD trajectory (as opposed to taking longer).

Speaking candidly, I have ADHD and am also Autistic, and maintaining this 40hr/week is critical in preventing the "I wake up in the morning wondering if I've accomplished anything meaningful with my life" feeling that gets in the way of me doing very much at all with my day. I also notice that when I am in the *deep throes* of burnout, my ability to pull back and look at the bigger picture takes a nap and I make myopic, hasty decisions. It's a recipe for bad research.

I've relaxed my "good work-life balance" constraint to simply "do not enter the *deep throes* of burnout". My question is for what lies after this period of time: I will be entering a summer research internship. I am concerned I will not perform well at my internship and will not be able to study as hard for full time interviews as a result of my choices now. Any tips for optimizing this recovery time and post-burnout damage control? Is this an ill-posed question, and there is no way to have my cake and eat it too?

Thanks for your time and consideration, Mr. ENTJ.

You can have your cake and eat it too, you'll just need to endure for the next few months.

Some thoughts on your situation in no particular order:

Get therapy and medication for the ADHD and autism if you haven't already. Mental health issues should never be left untreated especially when you're attempting ambitious and difficult goals. It would be like trying to win a race with a broken leg.

Set strict guardrails to get adequate sleep and nutrition. Don't compromise on either of these two because it'll severely impact performance. During the most intense periods of my life, meal planning worked really well so I could grab and go healthy meals without long prep time. Poor health choices lead to low energy, brain fog, and bad moods. Healthy food/snacks, hydration, vitamins, exercise (even a quick 15 minutes of cardio when my scheduled was packed) made me 10x more effective.

Reach out to the summer internship team and learn more about expectations so you can start planning ahead to manage your time and prepare to hit the ground running. Most summer internships aren't time-consuming and energy draining to the point they'd grind you down to dust. This is because interns require a lot of time to onboard which cuts into the 3-month summer term and they have limited access to information, skills, and experience needed to do more complex work. I wouldn't jump the gun and stress about underperforming without knowing the full scope of your role and responsibilities.

Ensure that you have at least one person from your summer internship who can speak highly of you. In the unlikely event you don't perform well in your internship, you'll still walk away with a solid professional reference to use for future full-time job offers. Pro tip: Companies won't interview every single person at the internship even if you fuck up. As long as they can verify you worked there and you have at least 1 person (more is better) who can speak to your abilities, you'll be fine.

Prioritize full-time job interviews > summer internships if the summer internship has a low chance of conversion to a full-time role. If the opposite is true, reverse that order. If you need to prioritize one of these two, prioritize the one that secures your desired outcome.

Focus on outcomes over input. Focus on the things you achieve, the milestones you reach, and the obstacles you overcome-- not the amount of hours you put in. A few weeks ago I fixed a $5 million problem by clearing up a misunderstanding with a 90-minute conversation. This 90-minute conversation was way more impactful than the 40-50 hours of work I put in the previous week. There's that John Wooden quote: "Don't mistake activity for achievement." Benchmark your progress towards achieving a 'meaningful life' with impact, not input.

[miras-ash]

I finished the translation of my mini Oneshot and here it is. Disclaimer: My grammar is total trash and I bet some words are wrong, too. I tried my best and I hope you're all still able to understand anything😅

Freezing night air flows into the room through the open window, only the moon enlights the room in pale light which makes the already bleak room seem even more loveless. The steady beeping of the hospital equipment to which she is connected has become a familiar sound in my head, almost as if it had always been there.

A shiver runs through my exhausted body and pulls me back to reality. Here I am, once again in a hospital. One too many times in a damn place like this. I saw too many beloved people hurt or worse; die. I should be used to it but how can someone get used to it to see family and friends suffering.

A lump forms in my throat and I have to swallow, again tears run down my face. My gaze falls to my side, to the bed next to me, the bed in which the woman lies I love the most. Eliza.

The last weeks I have spent only at her side and nothing and no one could have stopped me. How could I leave her after I already failed to protect her.

It was Deimos plan, his bomb but I was the one who found the location for the "Nighthaven armory deal", I stumbled into his trap and yet she's the one who payed for it. That's not fair, it should be me lying here fighting for my life, not her. If I could I would take her place without hesitation. All I can do is stay at her side and hold her hand as she becomes weaker and weaker, as her life drains away with every breath.

The doctors have given her time, more than enough. I know that myself. But I had hope, a small part of me still have to this very moment and yet here I am to say goodbye.

I know Eliza wouldn't approve seeing me here like this, she would tell me to carry on as usual, to fight, that she's not worth it but I can't. She's the fighter who never gives up, not me....

I'm no doctor but even I can see on the small ECG monitor that her heartbeat is getting slower and weaker. I want to look away, don't want to see it, don't want to hear it, just don't want it to be true.

I put my forehead in front of hers, the tears from before have become an uncontrolled torrent and wet Eliza's pale face.

I know it's happening, but I don't want it to happen. I am so afraid. Of waking up every morning in a world without her, of king to work without an Eliza Cohen rushing through my office door and shit talking about something, of going to sleep at night without feeling her warmth, of having to "live" my life without ever being complete again.

"Liza, my poppy flower, my fire, my heart. Don't you dare to ever forget how much I love you because I will never. The next time you wake up we will be separated but I hope you know that I would never leave you and I know one day we'll meet again, no matter where no matter how. I will find you in any universe at any time. I am your spirit, your fallen angel." A sob escapes me before my voice fails completely.

One last time my fingers stroke her soft red hair, her cheeks, her mouth and one very last time our lips meet and for a moment everything feels normal, that familiar feeling of her closeness, her smell, just her.

"Goodbye"

[sashi-ya]

hi sashi!!!! for the new event could I please request Kisuke Urahara nsfw with the prompt under the stars in the modern day au!! add anything you wish💖

Hii honey!! I'm sorry for the waiting but here I am with your request finally!! I hope you enjoy! 💖

🌛 One Piece x Bleach Crossover Event : Under The Moon 🌜

NSFW ~ Professor! Urahara Kisuke x Student! F! Reader ~ Teacher's Pet

a/n: as always this man inspires me to go the extra mile when it comes to writing scenarios for him. I had to force myself to finish the fic at one point cause if not I'd be still writing.

tw : NSFW. Modern University AU!. Professor Kisuke is as naughty as intelligent and will spend some extra time with you after class to help you with "organic chemistry". Public, shameless smut. Fingering, Vag, cream pie.

wc: 2.9k

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The new year has you absolutely exhausted with just a few weeks of the semester already, and by the second month you were totally burned out.

But your goals were still there, you wanted to become the best in your area, and you really wanted that degree… though, there was just one impediment: organic chemistry.

Fucking organic chemistry was draining the best out of you and the professor wasn’t helping at all. An old guy, as old as chemistry itself took at least 20 minutes to pronounce three words and your brain works a little bit faster than that. But in any case, you never been really good in that area. The compounds, the benzenes and the rest of things were simply not setting down on your memory…

Each Wednesday you take several classes on the afternoon and the last one of them it’s no other than your nemesis, Organic Chemistry. Dragging your feet into the classroom you notice the professor hasn’t arrive yet, and you think it’s weird cause the man will always be there before any of you, it doesn’t matter how early you arrive.

You take your usual seat, close to the window since your mind usually flies away during the class and your eyes land on the dark sky outside. The moon was brightly shining tonight, and you take it as a sign. “Oh, beautiful moon! Just tell me we are not having classes today, please, please”.

But you were wrong. You indeed are having classes, but not exactly as you thought…

“Hi! I’m… uh- the new Chemistry professor”

A new voice pulls you off your chat with the moon and your eyes find the most handsome man they have ever seen. Tall, blonde, awkwardly holding his neck and a shy smile invading his countenance. “He… He is gonna be our chemistry professor?”

“Urahara Kisuke is my name. Professor Yamamoto was forced to go on retirement by the uni dean, Mr. Kyoraku” he informed; a little bit blushed when some of your classmates asked. But it feels refreshing, the old guy was finally leaving you alone and having a young -hot- professor is all you could think of.

During the class, professor Urahara explains the topic with such grace and logic that you are able to understand for the first time. Several times you two cross sights, sight you aren’t able to maintain for too long as his smile feels intimidating. He has something in his look, besides that shy and kind expression, something hidden, something… arousing…

And the sudden idea of him kissing you, touching you, fucking you even hits you like a truck. But he smiles to each and every single student, and your fantasy of being pinned against the desk that night turns into mere ideas that would probably accompany in lonely nights from now on. Or so that is what you think…

The end of the class finally arrives, and even if you are exhausted from the day, it is the first time you want this class to never be over.  Urahara asks all of the students to stay a little longer as he has some announcements to make.

And you couldn’t be happier.

“So… uh-guys. I took a look at your grades. Some of them are really good, others not that much. I’m aware that Prof. Yamamoto was a very methodical teacher so some of you could find difficulties understanding. Since the midterm is getting closer, I thought about spending some more time with those who would want some extra classes to catch up… specially… uhm…” he says, passing his index finger on the sheet of names, making you tremble in anticipation.

“He is gonna say my name, he is gonna say it“. “Miss (Surname)”

Your cheeks turn on fire and every person in that huge classroom looks at you. You could probably hear their thoughts, their laughs, their- “Miss (Surname)? Can you please stay after class?” Kisuke insists, pulling you out of your own misery of being the centre of attention. You quickly shake your head and look at him. “Uh… ye- yeah”.

Everyone leaves and you slowly put your own stuff in your bag, though you are not moving from your spot. You look at the professor, young and graceful, still a little shy, saluting the students with a cute smile. Every person abandons the classroom with a smile as well, having a young passionate professor is always a blessing after tiring classes with a mummy.

But you… you were nothing but scared. What if this man will scold you? Plus, you suck at chemistry. And he is hot as hell. You are not really sure if you are nervous to spend time alone with him just because of the academic stuff or because his presence makes your heart go faster.

When the last student has left the room, you try to stand up, but he suddenly fixes his gaze on yours. “Oh, (Name)-san, stay there. I’m coming” he says, making you bite your inner cheek because his bangs move with graceful motion as he walks up to your place. You discover intense grey eyes and a little beard garnishing his chin. This man is really young…

“So, (Name)-san. What are those problematic areas for you?” he says, sitting backwards on the chair in front of you. His arms closed over the backrest of it, and his face dangerously close to yours. You widen your eyes, his proximity feels heavy on your body, as if a force would be crushing you from your head down to the ground.

“I- basically with everything, professor Urahara” you sigh, accepting your ignorance. “uhm… I’m sure you know stuff you just don’t know how to apply them. Let me see your notes”.

Kisuke grabs your notebook and turns it his way with his index, and you can’t help but take a look at how his shirt let’s his chest slightly exposed to you. Subtly biting your lower lip wait for him to read your notes, while your mind wonders in a fantasy world of fictional approaches and not suitable for work ideas. 

A side smirk invades the corner of his lips, and he takes a glance at your yours, still with his head down. It makes you shiver inside, is he doing this on purpose? Is he just effortlessly hot or he is trying something with you?

“Uhm… I see…” he says, noticing the way your body stiffens up when his hand lands over yours. For a second your mind went blank. He is holding you, he wanna grab your- your pen. Urahara takes the pen you have in your hand and began writing something on your notebook.

You breathe again, as your physiological functions shut down for at least some seconds. “See? That’s the problem! You lack some information about the aromatic rings. It’s not difficult, I will show you”. “Uhum” you nod, because frankly that’s the only thing your brain is able to do at this point.

After Kisuke spent at least an hour or so writing and explaining you about chemical compounds and who knows what he decided to stop. “You look tired, we could keep working another day if you prefer. Though this is interesting enough for me to spend the whole night” he suggests. You don’t really want to end the lesson though you would prefer if the lessons were indeed about his body all over yours.

“What about a little break outside?” you tell him because you could use some of the fresh air. Kisuke instantly stands up with a big smile, and quickly agrees with your idea. He says he will be joining you soon and so you take your phone and run towards the little park outside the classroom.

The fresh breeze of the night cools off your cheeks and it allows you to take a big gasp of air as you flop into a bench. Soon the peaceful moment between you and the moon that shines so bright is interrupted by soft hands landing on your shoulders from behind.

“fancy some?” he says, so close to your ear that makes your whole existence to tremble. He is offering an onigiri, but you wish deep inside that he was offering himself to you. “Oh, uh. Thanks” you mumble grabbing the food, grazing his fingers. Everything turns extra sensitive when your body wants something, and it wants this man so bad.

Kisuke sits right next to you, a little too close you could say. “Beautiful moon, huh?” he says, biting a piece out of his onigiri and resting his back over the bench. His arms hang behind the backrest and his head as well. Ashy blonde hair tufts fall at each side of his face in the sexiest way possible and the moon shine bathes his handsome countenance. He closes his eyes, enjoying the calm of the night, stretching his back muscles with grace. You can see how his olive-green shirt lifts just a little and shows a perfect tiny patch of milky skin of his lower belly. You can’t help but this time visibly bite your lip as your eyes fixate on his subtle indecency.

He sighs and opens just his left eye to take a quick snap of your state. And he knows exactly what he is doing, and he is playing with you, he is teasing, he wants you as much as you do want him…

Your professor takes his hand to his already loose tie and moves it side to side just to show a little more skin of his neck. Imagery that leads you to gasp and consequently choke with the rice of your dinner.

“Oh, (Name)-san! Are you alright? Breathe!” he says, sitting properly and subtly hitting your back. You stop coughing, but the proximity of your bodies makes you perhaps forget oxygen is really important to your lungs.

He tilts his head, once again letting his bangs invade the bridge of his nose and takes a look at your teary eyes. “Water?” he offers you, with his hand still on your back and a water bottle so close to your lips. You nod, out of words and blinking repeatedly.

“Here, take some” he offers you directly to your lips. He wants you to accept it from his hands, and so you do. Normally that would be some type of kind gesture, but it felt as if he wanted to treat you like something more than a student.

You drink under his sight, a gaze that turns darker as you do what he wants, even if it is as simple as drinking some water. Your eyelashes flutter over your eyes, maybe unconsciously inviting him to keep going.

“Good, that should do. Better?” he asks, painfully slowly taking the bottle of your mouth letting some drops fall on the commissure of your lips. You instantly take your hand to your mouth to dry them but he stops you, and instead his index finger wipes them for you.

“Are you ok?” he asks, smirking. Closer, closer to you. “Heh, yes- daddy”.

The last word was supposed to be thought, not said out loud but hey… you cannot control what you want sometimes. Kisuke laughs sexily, and a big smirk draws on his mouth, this time so dark it couldn’t be mistaken by anything else than pure excitement, exhilaration, and horniness for her little student.

He looks at each side, checking there was no one around campus and kisses your lips so slowly and immorally that makes you melt right there. Kisuke then passes his thumb over your shiny lips and whispers “You can call me daddy, but… I prefer the term professor. Is that clear?”

You, with eyes that went from widen to sloppy, nod accepting everything he wants you to do. “Say it, (Name)-san” he commands.

“Yes, professor Urahara ~”

“Good girl~”

Kisuke makes you sit over him, straddling yourself against his lap facing him. Right there, in the middle of campus, under the moon, in total public. You could only ask for nobody to see you two as the tree right behind the bench is not enough to cover both of you.

“Uh… (Name)-san, that wet already?” he asks, when wickedly Urahara passes his hand inside your leggings. You purr at his sudden touch, touch that searches and inspects all your anatomy. “Oh, you can purr? Like a kitty cat?” he asks, biting your lip after your soft moans.

His index, the same you saw searching and landing on your name on a list was now inside of you, in and out in beckoning motions that hit that perfect spot. You can’t stop yourself and as he fingers you, you graze yourself against his palm wanting more.

“Needy?” he asks, with his teeth grazing your chin as you throw your head back feeling a pressure building up inside your lower belly. “Y-es, professor Urahara” you moan, moving back and forth, feeling his rock-hard dick on one of your thighs, motivating you to burst, as you imagine him buried inside you.

“Your special assignment to compensate for your bad grades will be coming right in my hand. Ok, (Name)-san?” he orders, with his hand right under your blouse pinching your nipple and his other hand occupied masturbating you. You nod, desperately on the verge of climax, with throbbing, wet, ready to explode sex.

And you do, as his rhythm increases and your moans too. Moans muffled by the way you bite his shoulder while he fingers you violently. You bathe his hand with unstoppable honeys that flow from your insides losing control of your own body. Is not that you weren’t totally surrendered to pleasure, but that was just a lot more that you could expect.

“Oooof, young lady. Look at the mess we made here!” he jokes, taking his fingers to his lips and licking them as if they were a lolly. You close your eyes, biting your lips enjoying the last sting of pleasure of your orgasm, and let him conduct what’s next. Because you are sure this isn’t the end.

And in fact it is not.

“As much as I’d like to fuck you right here people will see us, and I will end up being fired faster than I expected. Let’s go inside” he says, and with wet leggings you comply.

As fast as you enter the classroom he closes the door, knowing too well it was too late for any other classes to being dictated, but still wary not anybody to see you two.

“Good, there’s nobody around” he says, and walks up to you grabbing your face and planting a violating kiss with tongue so abusive to yours that make your legs go numb.

Kisuke lifts you up and sits you over the desktop he used some hours ago to teach a whole classroom full of students. He moves away every paper that was over it in a violent quick motion and takes your leggings off as well as your shirt. He kisses you passionately as you spread open your legs to receive him closer.

Your hands pull from his shirt indicating you want him as naked as you are now, and he gets the message. “You wanna undress your professor, (Name)-san?” he jokes, grabbing your chin in between his fingers. “Yes, Professor Urahara… please” you beg, watching as he walks back a little and began unbuttoning his shirt.

His dark jeans show the prominence of his hard sex inviting you to rub your feet over it. You make him groan as your now naked soles play with his erection. “Ah… my dear (Name)-san, I knew that sweet face when I entered the classroom hide something else” he says and fast ends up totally naked before you.

You smirk, viciously licking your upper lip with the tip of your tongue, so ready for him. “Uhg… (Name)-san” he grunts and pushes you against the desk, pinning you down, just like you imagine he would do. Kisuke pulls your hips towards the border of the desk and spread your labia once again.

He then jerks himself off playing with the tip of his dick and your fluids. It makes you shiver, his dripping sex over your clit, and your aching cave waiting for him to fill it up. Anticipation, painful torture of wanting to be stretched by his manhood.

“Remember to stay quiet, Ms. (Name)” he orders, predicting your unstoppable whines when he finally stretches you out.

First the tip, balancing slowly in and out to kill you slowly and then deeply, violently, unexpectedly impaling you so roughly. And as he does, you clearly, even if you try, are unable to hold back your moans so he uses his hand to drown your whines.

“Shh…” he says, giggling while he goes faster and harder in and out of you. And you feel him twitch and gradually loose his cool as he gets lost in his own pleasure, just like you, surrendering to an incoming explosive orgasm.

You come first, motivated by his hammering hips and his thumb rubbing your clit so skilfully, acknowledging female anatomy perfectly. Orgasming, your legs trap him, pushing him even deeper into you.

He gasps, now absolutely focused on the way your spasming walls milk him. “What do you want, my cute student? Hm? Do you want me to fill you up?” he groans, now using his free hand to support himself from your neck.

“Please, professor Urahara. Fill me up” you beg, barely able to speak as he gradually chokes you and his eyes show he has nothing left of control.

“Then take it all inside, (Name)-san”

[votestaynight]

12th day - "Interval Level4"/13th day "infinity arms" (scene 1)

… Yeah. I understand what this projection magic is, but I want to know more details about it. Especially the part about forming your image.

"Hey Tohsaka. Sorry to interrupt you while you're busy…"

"What? I'll kick you if you tell me to hurry up. I'm the one irritated by not being able to find the thing I want. …Hey, why does everything I put away disappear in this house!?"

She complains. This is certainly like her. Everything she does is perfect, but especially the part where she always messes up her preparations.

"Oh, you can continue. You can keep searching, so can you tell me more about it? Um, about projections being like imitations made from images and all."

"…Heh, all right. It might be useful for you to know." She's really in a bad mood. She throws away the Boston bag she was rummaging through and sits back down on the chair.

"I'll explain it to you briefly. Projection is only used when you have to temporarily use something that's not there. But in contrast, you can even reproduce something that doesn't exist anymore or something that's already lost. It means that if you can imagine the original perfectly, you can temporarily create it using magical energy."

"I already told you this projected 'object' disappears when the magical energy disperses, right? No matter how strong the magical energy, an object created by imagination fades away. …No, not just that. The world will not permit such an illusion. That's why anything created by projection cannot remain in this world, even for a day."

"…? What do you mean by the world not allowing it? Why not?" "An illusion can do anything because it's an illusion. But when it takes shape, it's now reality, right? But it doesn't exist in reality. So reality comes to destroy the illusion to remove the contradiction.

"Listen. Magic is a phenomenon that takes something already there and makes it into something else. It's transformation, or equivalent exchange. But illusion totally ignores equivalent exchange. When something made from an illusion doesn't exist in this world, it becomes a total contradiction."

"So――if you project something like Saber's sword that doesn't exist in this time, the world itself will destroy that illusion. It's fine to create a miracle by connecting to the world, but creating a miracle that doesn't exist in this world is forbidden. Normal magic uses things that are somewhere in this world. But projection magic uses human images."

"…Even magic should not be used to make something that doesn't exist in this world. Because it will be an illusion that violates this world. As living things put self-preservation as their top priority, the world also puts priority on self-preservation. The life of a world is order, right? So contradictions that create chaos and illusions that violate reality are destroyed by the world."

Tohsaka explains it all. Of course, I don't get half of what she said.

"…I see. So you're saying what I did is past Emiya Shirou's limits, right?" "I already told you that! Projection is a magic that drains your life, so you shouldn't use it even if Saber asks you to."

Tohsaka resumes her search. Watching her, I realize again that the victory over Berserker was truly a miracle.

So. After she makes me drink various medicine, she makes me practice simple "strengthening" to check on my health. Like checking if there's anything wrong with my body by channeling magical energy through it, and so on. Tohsaka is more like a doctor than a teacher today.

"――All right. There doesn't seem to be any problem. You don't need to come tomorrow." "Huh――?"

I'm surprised. That means――

"It's only natural. There's nothing I can teach you in this situation. If you really want to learn magic, you should do so after this war is over. And Archer isn't here anymore, right? My cooperation with you is finished."

"Wha――?" Being told that, I finally realize. From the beginning, we cooperated to fight Berserker.

Berserker is gone, and Tohsaka has lost her Servant. So――this should all have ended yesterday.

"――Then what are you going to do now? Will you go to Kotomine?" …That would only be natural. Tohsaka and Kotomine are close, so it should be fine for her to request his protection.

"Why? I won't go there when I haven't lost yet. It's not like I can't fight because I don't have my Servant anymore. And it's not like me to quit this halfway. Once I've decided to fight, it's my responsibility to see it through to the end."

As if it's only natural. Tohsaka says it confidently.

"―――――" I'm stunned. …No, I'm not surprised. I already knew Tohsaka was this kind of a person. She is really firm, and amazingly selfish, and so fascinatingly brilliant.

"But what will you do? Are you going to continue by yourself? There are still Masters and Servants left."

"Yeah. So I'll gather information here for a while. I have to resume my research about Ryudou Temple as well." "Stay here for a while――is that all right!? That'll be helpful, but our cooperation has ended, right? So――"

"What are you saying? You were able to beat Berserker because of Archer. Our cooperation is over, but you still owe me for that. It's only natural for you to keep me here until you finish returning the favor."

"…And I told you, I'm responsible right to the very end. We became student and teacher, even if it was a short while. I can't leave you alone or I'll be too worried to concentrate on the Holy Grail War."

"―――――" In other words, this is it. It feels like ages ago, but the Tohsaka Rin that Emiya Shirou admired was a girl like this.

That's why I'm happy. Tohsaka has to be like this. After all, I wouldn't know what to believe in if such a stubborn girl decided to give up.

"――Yeah. Please give me your best regards, Tohsaka. I don't know right from left if you're not around. We need you, Tohsaka."

"…That's fine. But you shouldn't use that expression. It's okay that you're stupidly honest, but there might be some misunderstandings if you're not careful."

"…?" I don't quite understand why Tohsaka would get mad at that. "Tohsaka, what kind of misunderstanding?" I ask since I'm curious.

"Hold it. You let something slip out. My attitude should tell you not to ask, so asking me is against the rules." Hm. It seems Tohsaka knows a rule I don't know about.

"I'm shocked. It must be upsetting for Saber if you're like this. …Well, maybe you two are fine like that. It could be pretty bad if you're not both a bit numb to it."

"…Hmmm. I don't quite get it, but I can't ignore your comment about upsetting Saber. Why would she be upset, Tohsaka?"

"I'm saying that aspect of you is upsetting. I bet you haven't even noticed the change in Saber."

"Change in Saber…?" That's… not a change on the outside, is it? If anything has changed about Saber, it's――

"…Oh yeah. She has been acting rather strangely since this morning. Well, I think she is just in a bad mood since Ilya is here, but even now, she just sits there all quiet and when I ask her what's wrong, she just tells me she had a dream and leaves."

…I forgot about it since I was busy with Ilya. Come to think of it, Saber was acting weird like she was half-asleep or something.

"――Saber had a dream?" "Huh? Is that really the surprising part?" "……" Oh, she's ignoring me.

"Hey, don't be quiet and say something. It makes me feel uneasy when you make a face like that." "Huh…? Oh, it's nothing major. It's just that Servants don't dream." "――?" Servants don't dream…?

"That's right. Servants don't have dreams. But if they say they saw one, it wasn't a dream. They just caught a glimpse of someone's memory."

…Tohsaka must have had the same experience. She says so with a coldness, totally different from her earlier cheerfulness.

And so, it's time to prepare dinner. All the things that happened in the past few days must have destroyed the cooking rotation.

"I'll leave dinner tonight to you. It looks like it's going to be cold tonight again and Ilya's here, so doesn't stew sound good?" But she tells me that as she leaves.

"…Well, stew certainly seems to suit Ilya." Maybe because of how she looks with the coat and the hat? Anyways, I have no objections to making stew for dinner. I'm not that good at making Western food, but I shouldn't make any terrible mistakes with stew.

"――Oh, before that…" It's a bit before six. There's still a bit of time until I need to start cooking. I'm sweaty, so I should take a bath. It's a bit of a hassle to take a bath before dinner, but since Tohsaka and Saber take their baths after dinner, I'm forced to take it late.

The hallway is cold. The room is warm because of the heater, but I can feel the winter cold as soon as I emerge into the hallway. It seems that even though the weather should be warm, it's been a bit screwed up the past few days.

Speaking of cold, I heard that it snowed. I didn't notice, probably because it lasted less than an hour and there wasn't much.

Well, if it did pile up, the yard would be full of a snowman army and I'd have to clean it up afterwards, so you could say I'm glad. Of course, only one person would build a snowman army. The day it snowed last year, I remember her standing in front of class with hands red from frostbite.

――? I was going to take a shower, but the bathroom is quite hot already. "Shirou――?" The sound of water. As soon as my gaze moves to the bathtub…

――My head goes whiter than the steam.

"――――Wha." I can't talk right since my throat is numb. I-I can't move my body because I can't think. But still, somewhere in my head, I think that something like this happened before.

No, it's not the same as before. Saber was naked last time, but I was fully clothed. But this time, I'm naked as well. Even though I'm confused, my body is reacting.

"Uh――Saber…." My gasp echoes through the air. Saber watches as I stand there dumbfounded.

Saber will get mad this time. Surely she'll get mad. She'll definitely get mad. As proof, her soft lips are trembling as if they will yell in the next moment…!

"Sorry, it was my fault. I tried to use the shower. I never thought someone would be using it at this time… well, it's normal for you to think I should have noticed beforehand, but――"

I give my excuses while backing up towards the dressing room. I-It's not like I'm fascinated by Saber's body. Um, it just feels like Saber will get madder if I run back to the dressing room. …But in either case, I can't take my eyes off her.

――I remember that night at the ruins. Then, I merely desperately felt Saber's skin.

I couldn't see Saber's body in the dark. So I only remember her warmth and her sensations. Is that why? Is that why I think the body I've once obtained is so beautiful?

"A-Anyway, I'll talk to you later――" I reach behind me, searching for the door. …Then.

"…Excuse me, Shirou. Um, it is a selfish request, but would it be possible for you to stay away for a while?" Saber asks in a faint voice as she averts her gaze.

"――Eh?" That really blanks my mind. Why Saber won't get mad. Her embarrassed face makes all the blood go to my head.

"Uh――Wh… y…?" I murmur by reflex. Saber hangs her head even more in apology.

"…Please use the shower at a later time. Uh, I wish for you to allow me to use this place by myself for now." Saber curls up as if hiding her body.

That suddenly makes me remember. When I met Saber in the dressing room last time, she didn't say anything. 'The sex of a Servant is of no concern.'[r] She was the one who said that with no concern for her nakedness.

"Ah――uh, well. Hold on, my head is spinning and I can't quite make it work…" Come on, work! "So, you're not mad?"

"…It is only natural for you to wash your body. I do not restrict my Master's actions to that degree." "――" I understand. In other words, Saber thinks nothing of being seen naked.

So it's only natural that I'm here. As the bath is a place to wash your body, it's natural for me to be here. Saber being here also is of no concern. …That's, um… helpful, but I also think it's wrong.

"…But then. That would mean… I can use the shower right now…" "――I am saying, that… um…" Saber hangs her head in embarrassment.

"…The problem is not being seen naked. But my body is not like that of a girl such as Rin. So――" Saber blushes even more and finishes with difficulty.

"…I do not want you to look at me. Such a muscular body must appear unsightly to men." She says that.

"―――――" I almost faint, for a bunch of different reasons.

"T-That's stupid, don't be――" If I finish, I'm sure I'll go crazy. Saber's body is not unsightly. She claims her body is rugged, but I was never worried about that.

Of course, her body is trained compared to Tohsaka's, but still――I think Saber's body is really feminine.

"…Shirou. So I wish for you to leave me alone for now…" "―――――"

I don't know how I answered. All I can remember is that I nodded and shut the door.

And so the day ends. Dinner was exciting. Ilya spoke more and more at each meal today, and she had a weird relationship with Tohsaka where I couldn't tell whether they were friendly or fighting.

Saber is more approving of Ilya, but she must not have let her guard down as she frowns every time Ilya comes near me.

"―――――" The past few days were too wild. A normal day like this is unsettling for me.

I go out to the yard quietly. It's a bit before midnight. Under the cold moonlight, I walk leaving traces of white breath behind me.

…And before I realize it, I'm doing my daily routine. I'm being taught by Tohsaka, so there's no need for me to train here now. But still, I sit on the cold ground and check the thing within me.

It's not that I feel uneasy about my skills. This is just a jinx. I've been doing this for years now, so it just doesn't feel right unless I finish my day here.

"――Trace, on" But today's training is more heated up than usual. …Tohsaka told me not to use it, but I can't obediently agree with her. If I can make this "projection" thing mine, it'll be a powerful weapon and I'll be able to help Saber better.

Besides, I still have that heat in my body. The night at the ruin. The battle in the forest filled with morning mist. The golden sword I made. The remaining heat is still in my hands, and my heart wishes it to start burning again when I try again.

"――Creation concept, analyze" Reproducing it is easy. My mind was jumbled up back then because I was desperate, but I can perform only the steps I need now.

――No. From the beginning, there was only one to guide Emiya Shirou. The pronunciation is the same. Just change the self's recognition and it will become an original spell.

"――Basic structure, analyze." …I understand how dangerous it is without needing for Tohsaka to tell me. As a magus, Emiya Shirou must not associate himself with "projection". It's something that's beyond me. A venture beyond one's capabilities will eventually be paid for by death.

"――All cut. Clear, zero." I erase the blueprint I was drawing. On the other side of the door. As if hiding the blue moon, Saber approaches.

"…Good. You are here. I thought something might have happened as I could not find you." "…? No, nothing's wrong. I couldn't sleep, so I was exercising my head. I'll go back to the room once I'm done, so you don't need to worry."

"…I see. That is good then." Saying so, she looks at me. It's impossible to hide as my face is all sweaty as always.

"Yeah, this is the same as always too, so don't worry about it. Magic training is natural for a magus, right? …Well, I'm inexperienced, so I make a lot of mistakes." I wipe the sweat off my forehead.

"Huh?" …I'm surprised. The sweat I wiped off is ice cold. I thought it was cold, but was it this cold in the shed?

"――Shirou. You have been doing this every day?" "Well, as much as I can. It's a daily routine Father told me to do, so I have to do at least this much."

Replying, I regret that I'm bluffing. That this is my daily routine. I wanted to boast to Saber by saying that. The training at the end of the day is certainly no trouble for me. But it was never easy for me either.

"……" Saber doesn't say anything. Behind her is the moon. Slanting rays of light enter the shed, covered in blue darkness. "―――――" This is like a reproduction of the night I met her.

"Saber. Tohsaka said something." As soon as I think this is like watching a dream… "Is it true that Servants don't dream?" Without realizing, I ask her that question.

"No, we do not have dreams. As we are spiritual, we do not sleep. I have to sleep because I cannot go into spiritual form, but even I cannot dream." "But this morning, you said you did."

"……" A small silence. She closes her eyes once and looks at me with a gentle face as if she's determined.

"What I saw was your dream, Shirou. …Master and Servant are mentally connected as well. If our connection becomes stronger, things like seeing the other's past might start to occur."

"Dream――you mean, my past…?" "…Yes. I knew it was a deed that steps into your mind, but I could not refuse it. …Please forgive me, Shirou."

"Idi――" That goes for me as well. Saber's past. I've seen the days before she became a Servant many times.

"Idiot. That's not your fault. You can't help it if you dream about it. …And besides, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I only did boring uninteresting stuff when I was small, right? You can't sleep peacefully if you have dreams like that."

"No, I only dreamt this morning. It was not a recent event, so it does not invade your privacy as a man…!"

Saber comments honestly. But private? …Well, I've done ordinary stupid things, but…

"…That's good. You say it wasn't recent, so when was it from?"

"…It was a large fire. That was the only scene I saw." A quiet voice. Her gentle eyes tell me what she saw.

I see. So she dreamt about that.

"――I see. That's, um…" Should I say unfortunate? It's like going to a movie theater to go see a movie you know, but going into the wrong theater and seeing something completely different.

"…That made me understand. No, I thought it before as well. You have a dangerous side to you." "…? What do you mean by dangerous? Well, I'm sure all aspects of me look dangerous in your view."

"That is not what I mean. Shirou――you are like me. That is why I can tell you what you have done wrong. As I am the same, I can tell what will happen to you if you continue on like this."

"…But I haven't done anything wrong. My mistakes are countless of course, but I'm going to become a superhero like my father. I can't do anything wrong."

"I am saying that is the wrongdoing. …Shirou, that accident was not your fault. It is not something you can be held responsible for. ――There is nothing for you to make up for."

Of course. It was only an accident and I was only a victim. Well, certainly there have been times when I felt guilty about being the only survivor, but――

"Rin said so before that your self-devotion is abnormal. I feel the same way. You do not try to save others at the cost of your life. You simply do not consider your own life at all."

"―――――" Did my pupils open wide? Somehow, I cannot see Saber's face clearly.

"…You will not be able to forget about that accident. But you cannot change as long as you remember it. Is that not painful for you?" "Painful――? Me?"

Well, of course it's painful. Saber doesn't need to tell me that. It's only natural. So many people died and it was such a hell. I think it's only natural for it to be painful. And besides, if it weren't. It might all be meaningless.

"――Yeah. It certainly is painful to remember it. But it's already over. It's not something I can do anything about now." Saber doesn't answer. She scratches her arm, irritated.

"…I need to obtain the Holy Grail. But it is the same for you as well." "Um… Saber…?"

"You need the Holy Grail. It was inevitable that I would be called to you, Master."

"―――――" How can I answer that? "…I will go ahead and sleep. Please do not push yourself, Shirou." Saber leaves.

"――――――Hmm." I cross my arms and ponder. …Do I need the Holy Grail? The grail that grants the wishes of its possessor. A vessel which contains unlimited amounts of magical energy, for which it is said nothing is impossible. If I had such a thing, my wish would certainly be easily granted, but――

"No, that's wrong. No matter how I look at it, I don't need the Holy Grail." Yeah, I definitely don't need it. Because I don't have any wishes that won't come true or that are impossible. Because if it's a dream I can't reach by myself, I won't even dream it in the first place.

…The night thickens. With only the moonlight, I listen to the distant wind in the familiar shed.

A red hill covered in corpses, and a gray sky. The heavy clouds drifting away announce the end of the battle.

…I know this scene. This is a scene I've seen many times already. This is one of the battles Saber experienced. These are the remains of a battleground so familiar to her as she is always victorious. After this, she will return to her castle, the people will celebrate her victory, and they will prepare for the next battle.

This is her everyday life. This is but one of the twelve great battles she has gone through. That is why she does not bear any memories of the victory, but merely accepts it calmly. I think about such random things.

――That is not a dream Just a cold truth that cannot be changed.

From the moment she drew the sword from the stone, she was not human. After becoming a feudal lord like her father, she became a king with many knights. She was called King Arthur or Arturia, and the girl who had tried to become a knight had her life turned around.

――No. It is more correct to say that it ended. At that instant, the girl with childlike features disappeared and the only existence permitted was that of the king of knights.

She acted as the son of the king. That is because the one to govern many territories and control the knights had to be male. The only ones who knew that the king was just a girl were her father and the magus. She literally covered herself in steel and sealed that truth for all her life.

…Why didn't I realize what that meant? Someone placed before everyone managed to keep her identity secret. I don't know what suffering she went through as I'm only watching from a distance.

…Time passes. These must be her memories of the ten years she spent as king. There's only one thing common to all of them. Even on the throne. Even in a hallway. Even on the battlefield. No one talked to her. Even the loud round table filled with the knights' tales of bravado falls silent when the king steps in.

So that's what it means. She was only idolized. Many knights looked down on Arturia who looked like a small kid, and they did not approve of swearing their sword to her.

But because she drew out the sword that they could not, they had to obey her at least in form. They just accepted the disgrace, believing that it would pass.

Even if she drew the sword, she is just a child. Even with Merlin's help, she will fail soon enough. When that happens, they need to only take the holy sword away from her and reselect the king. That's what most of the knights thought.

But the results were different. The knight that just entered adulthood was a king without flaw. She brought peace to the fighting lords and immediately fought off the invading enemies. Of course, it wasn't because of the power of the holy sword. The holy sword only protects the king. It is the king's power that protects the country.

And in that way, she suppressed the knights with results. The protection of the holy sword works only against enemy swords. It does not help rule over people's hearts. She worked hard to be an ideal king.

And so, the knights had to follow their king from their heart. They suppressed their dissatisfaction with the young king, as they saw he was perfect. She tried to be an ideal king. Being an ideal king was the condition of their support. ――There was no room for the human, Arturia.

The girl determined to be king. A great knight who pulled out the holy sword, who did not age from that moment on, and one who won twelve great battles. The more perfect she was, the more people kept away from her. The longer she stayed that way, the more isolated she became. ――That was her true identity.

But she still did well. No, she did too well. She defeated her enemies efficiently and minimized the victims in battle. No matter what kind of a war it is, a battle will have victims. So she believed she should make sacrifices before the war to prepare the army and to defeat the enemy efficiently.

She would exhaust one village to prepare the army, defeat the invaders before they could damage the land, and save ten villages. That was the solution she came up with as the king, and in truth, it was the best policy.

But the knights must have been unhappy. For them, only the invaders should die. It was only proper to win without allowing any victims. There is no need to sacrifice one's own territory before a battle. We will win, so there will not be any victims. There will not be any victims, so the king's actions are fruitless. That's what they thought.

Of course, that was just a fantasy. Once the battle began, the knights did not think about the small villages. It was only natural for them to trample over them as the small villages are not what they seek to protect. The knights say it is only natural to be destroyed by the invaders, but it is a great sin to destroy them with our own hands.

Of course, she knew that. But a king cannot allow her personal feelings to affect her decisions. She kills her emotions to make a decision, and the knights suppress their personal feelings to obey. And after many sacrifices and continuing victories, the country became stable.

The price of that was a revolt against the king. "King Arthur does not understand human feelings." One knight said so and left the castle. …It's a ridiculous story. Nobody wanted her to be human, but they revolted against her because she didn't have a human's feelings.

The age of chaos continues. The knights, who had been dissatisfied with the king for some time, became more dissatisfied after that one knight left. They pushed all problems onto her and cornered her.

Ruin was in sight. Death if she could not solve all the problems. Even if she did solve them, the result would be the same.

But such trivial things are of no concern to a king. Her mind will not change even if she is abandoned, feared, or betrayed. …Probably because she had her mind made up long before. She abandoned her emotions from the moment she decided to pull out the sword.

――A scene from a few years before. Knights from all over the country gathered to try to pull out the sword in the stone. But nobody could pull it out, and the knights were desperate to choose the most superior king by competing jousting skills. The knights went to the arena and forgot about the sword.

…It felt much like watching a festival from a distance. In the distance are the brave sounds of the cavalry. The roars of the knights are far away and there is no one around the stone. What did the girl think before that? Before she realized it, an unknown magus was standing behind her.

"You should think this through before you grab that."

He says he is not trying to frighten her, but that she should stop.

"You will not be human once you take hold of the sword."

He also said that she would be resented by all humanity and die a miserable death.

She could not have been without fear. Because the magus showed her. The end she would face if she took the sword.

"――No."

But that just made the girl more determined. She nodded firmly, even when she was shown her future. The magus asks her if she is really fine with that.

"――Many people were smiling. I do not believe it will be a mistake."

She takes the sword. The magus turns his back… "A miracle has a price. In exchange, you will lose the thing most important to you." And leaves those prophetic words.

That's right. The girl only wanted to protect everyone. But to do so, she had to throw away the emotion of 'wanting to protect people'. …Because one cannot protect a country as king if one has human emotions.

She accepted it and pulled out the sword. She accepted it and swore to live as the king. So her heart would not change even if she was abandoned, feared, or betrayed. She threw away her heart. The young girl decided to protect in exchange for it.

Who would ever know of such a sublime oath? ――She chose to fight. No matter what. ――She still chose to fight. Even if there was inevitable solitary ruin waiting at the end.

And the end was this. The battle of Camlann. One knight usurped the throne while King Arthur was on a campaign, her country split into two, and a war began. In the legend, it is said that knights and chivalry were utterly destroyed.

She slashed away the knights that once followed her and attacked the lands she once protected. The knights who sided with her died and her body was crippled.

There was nobody around her. That's normal. Nothing has changed. The only thing in her heart is her pride as the king. She knew of this end. But she still ran through her life because she believed something came of it.

That's why she has no regrets. If there is one regret, it is that the country is in ruin.

She raises her eyes. She might be able to see the distant castle from this hill. But all that's there is the remains of the battle, a deep forest, and a lake she must return to.

――Yes. The hill she ran through is now a wall she cannot climb over.

Strength escapes her shoulders. And for the first time, the girl lets go of the holy sword by her own will.

――And that is the end. It's only natural for the dream to end there. Because that is the end of her memories.

…So this is one end that cannot be changed. She worked so hard, she was resented, and she was betrayed. No one ever realized that she loved the people more than the country, and she was always the merciless king. She was never rewarded or understood. On the red hill of swords, the solitary girl who was always betrayed, is about to face death――

I wake up to the sound of the rain. "…It's morning." I hold my shaking head and get my body up. It's not six yet. The sound of rain from outside isn't that loud. It's not a shower or a drizzle, but just normal rain.

"…!" I rattle my teeth at the sudden headache. But it only lasts for a moment. Neither the pain nor the image that pops into my head lasts long. But that scene is more than enough to wake my brain up.

"…That dream――" No, I don't even need to confirm it. That was Saber's past. It was the end of her life that happened a long time ago that cannot be changed.

"―――――" Before I realize it, I'm gritting my teeth. It's making a sound. Somehow, I'm really angry. I grit my teeth loudly and suppress the urge to have a fit.

"――Dammit! What was that?" Just remembering it makes me mad. Her past, her thinking nothing of it, and me thinking the dream was nothing.

"…!" I don't like it. I don't know what I don't like about it, but I just don't.

… I hate it. I don't want that. That life was unfair, no matter how you look at it. Such a life is wrong. She only wished for others. She did not wish anything for herself in return. She worked so hard, but nobody knew about it. That pisses me off. That's just too unfair to her――

"―――――" …That's right. If she worked harder than anybody else, she should be rewarded the most. She has to be rewarded for all the things she's done.

"―――――" …But…. What can be done now? Can I just tell her that she did a good job? Praise her that she was great? Of course not. Such easy words won't fix anything.

"…I know. There's only one answer." …That's right. If she is to be rewarded, her life must be repaid. The girl called Arturia has to become happy in proportion to how much she has fought.

"――But, what can I do?" My train of thought stops there. I don't know how to make people happy.

…That makes me realize my own distortions. I've been living trying to be a superhero, but all I've been doing is lending people a hand. I believed everybody around me would be happy if I helped others like that. No. I couldn't move forward with pride unless I believed that.

"―――――!" …Helping someone and saving someone are essentially different. I can't think of a way to reward Saber because I don't know the difference between the two――

The breakfast table is the same as always. Saber and Tohsaka must be adaptable as they already seem to be used to Ilya's presence.

"So what are you going to do, Shirou? There are three Masters left. It's not like the Holy Grail War can go on forever, so you should start acting. And it's pretty pitiful to always give others the initiative."

Tohsaka is right. My body is fine and Saber is healed. Yesterday should be the last day of rest.

"…You're right. But even if we are to act, it'll be in evening. We'll do the same things as always while the sun's up." "Seriously? …Well, I guess it doesn't do any good to walk around randomly when you don't know anything about your opponents. Then, you're going to get beaten up by Saber again?"

Training with Saber. That's the usual task and it's natural for a Master to prepare for battle.

"Rin. We are training. That comment sounded unpleasant." "Well――yeah. I'll get beaten up by Saber in the morning."

"…Shirou. You put me in a difficult position if you say that as well." "Huh――? Sorry, Saber. I wasn't listening."

"I am speaking of how rudely Rin talks. …Honestly, what is going on, Shirou? You do not seem well today. Breakfast is a bit smaller than usual as well. Were you in the shed until late last night?"

She asks, but Saber's words aren't criticizing. I can feel that Saber believes in me. That's why it's even harder to look at her now. If I do, the image of that hill pops into my head.

"…Huh. Fine, I shall drive some energy into you later. So we will train in the dojo today as well. Is that the plan, Shirou?" "Yeah, please. How about you, Ilya?" "Me? I'll do the same as yesterday. I don't like getting wet in the rain, so I don't wanna go outside."

"I see. That's a big help. I want you to stay in the house as much as possible. Going outside is too dangerous." "Yeah. I'll consider staying with you if you cook boxed lunches like you did yesterday."

…Hmm. It seems Ilya liked the boxed lunch yesterday. I'm a bit embarrassed that she's content with such a thing, but I'm happy if she's happy.

"So I guess it'll be the same as yesterday. I have something to research, so I'll be in my room. Come by my room in the afternoon since I need to talk with you." "…Research?"

"Yup. I think you've realized, but Ryudou Temple has been strange since yesterday. They've stopped the magical energy collection they've been working so hard on, so it's only natural to assume they're doing something. Well, it seems the Master at the Ryudou Temple is the most troublesome one, so I'll make a familiar and try to find out what's going on inside."

"Then should you not concentrate on the search? I do not think there is a need to take time off to teach Shirou."

"Well, that's just how it is. Sorry, but bear with me. He seems unreliable, so I can't just leave him alone. It's fine if he gets killed by the enemy, but if he dies because he messes up his magic, I'll be ashamed as his teacher."

"――Yes, it is just as you say, Rin. …There was something wrong with me. I do not know why I would have thought your lessons were not useful for Shirou."

"The reason's pretty simple, but it's best not to talk about it. Then good luck with your morning training. He's pretty tough, so it's best to beat him to within an inch of his life."

Tohsaka leaves the living room with an absurd comment.

"…Saber. Don't take her too seriously. She's only saying that because you've never beaten her up."

I remind her, just in case. I don't know why Saber's so happy, but

"Yes, I know. I know your body better than her." She replies like that.

"What is wrong? Are you not going to eat, Ilyasviel? You have not eaten a third of what you ate yesterday." "No, I just can't eat this. I can't eat spicy food." "…Hmm. I do not think it is that spicy. This spice is very good with this chicken."

"I don't like mustard. Just eat it for me! I'll eat your strawberries instead." "…! W-What are you doing, Ilyasviel!? Hey, return that! You cannot have that. You may have the apple pie if you want something sweet!"

"……" Sitting next to each other, the two of them are fighting like close sisters. It's past noon. We three are eating lunch together like yesterday.

…Oh yeah, the lunch isn't the only thing that's the same as yesterday. The training before this was exactly like yesterday's.

No, it was more awkward today. …I don't know how to put it, but my heart starts beating hard when I see Saber and I can't attack her seriously now.

Saber is also acting strangely as she never used to overlook such openings, but now she waits for me to attack. And for a while, we just stared at each other.

"What's wrong? It's boring if you don't do anything." I renewed my spirits with that and attacked Saber, but the results were the same.

After repelling my half-assed attack, she would not counter and let me go. As I wasn't attacked, I would face Saber again and charge again, but she would overlook me again. This strange time ended about ten minutes ago.

At Saber's request, we entered the lunch break, and we're eating lunch now. The menu is the same as yesterday: sandwich. But I couldn't just make the same thing as yesterday, so I elaborated on the ingredients and it seems they really like it.

Ilya is in high spirits and Saber caught her breath, faced with the multicolored sandwiches. …I'm just guessing, but I think Saber must have been getting ready.

Anyways, it's much louder today than yesterday. It's raining outside and the floor is cold wood, but I think this feels like a picnic.

"Geez, that is enough, Ilyasviel. Your clothes will get dirty like that. That happens because you try to eat in one bite like Shirou. Your mouth is small, so you should eat more slowly."

"Heh, you're the one who doesn't understand. It's even more impolite to worry about manners at a lunch like this. This is a picnic, so acting like this is correct, right Shirou!?"

Ilya munches on the sandwich happily. Saber wipes Ilya's mouth.

"Kya――aha, that tickles, Saber." "……" …It's a bit surprising. It's not just Saber, as Ilya trusts Saber more than she did yesterday.

"…I am surprised. You do not reject me, Ilyasviel?"

"Why? I like being treated kindly. Yeah, if anyone else touches me, I'll kill them. But I'll forgive you since you're pretty. And you're someone to eat lunch with. If you like me, I like you too." Ilya says so simply.

"―――――" Saber looks at Ilya dumbfounded. Ilya's smile was a surprise attack even for me, who is watching from the side.

"What? This isn't fun for you, Saber?" "Uh――well…"

"I'm having fun. It's raining outside, this place is too simple, and I have none of the things I wanted. But being here is fun. It's much warmer than being alone, right? But you're not having fun?"

"――" She must have felt something in Ilya's smile. Saber lets out a deep sigh and stares at the white girl.

"――You are right. Being like this is fun for me as well." A clear voice. She smiles in a way I have never seen before.

"―――――" My heart feels warm for some reason. That smile was good. That smile was for herself. Not a smile from watching over someone's safety. But a smile because she is happy herself.

"Shirou? Why are you making that face? Did something good happen?" "Huh? No, it's nothing… wait, was I making a strange face?"

"Yeah, you were. It was like a fatherly face. Like you're watching over us from afar. I don't like faces like that." "…?" I don't understand what she's talking about, but does that mean I was smiling?

"I see… well, something good happened, so maybe I was grinning." "Um. Something good?"

"Yeah. I like the kind of smile you just made. I was just glad I got to see it." "…I do not understand. You like such a thing?"

"Yeah. It seems I like seeing that kind of expression on you." Saber nods, still not understanding.

――Then. She must have realized something as she smiles and raises her head.

"I see. Then it is the other way around." "…? What do you mean?" "I am happier if you are smiling. It is enough for me if you can keep smiling."

"―――――" I can't look directly at Saber. I bet anyone would overheat if they were smiled at like that.

"―――――" Somehow, I calm myself down and sneak a peek at Saber.

Saber has returned to eating with a calm face. There's no unease in her expression. There's nothing to worry about, but something is nagging at the back of my head.

――I am happier if you are smiling.

Yes, with that smile I saw for the first time, She was saying something entirely contradictory.

I listen to the rain in Tohsaka's room. Today, we performed a fake physical examination like yesterday. I just took the medicine Tohsaka prepared for me and checked the Magic Circuit throughout my body. I guess it really is impossible to do any more here, since it'll require a more appropriate environment.

…I don't care about that, but I don't want to just sit here doing nothing. She told me not to move for a while to see the results, but I bet I can still talk.

"Tohsaka, may I?" I call out to her, still meditating.

"Hm? Fine, what is it?" "It's about Saber. Um, I don't know how I should put this, but…"

Saying that, I realize I haven't thought this through at all. It's not even 'what can I do for Saber'. I haven't even thought about what I want to do with Saber.

"…Um, well, I'm just wondering what she wants to do. Come to think of it, she never did anything because she wanted to, right? So――"

"You don't know what Saber's thinking about?" "――No, that's not it. I just don't understand why she's so unselfish. …Yeah, I don't know what to do about that."

"Hmm… well, you're right. The only thing she's done voluntarily is protecting you. It's only natural for a Servant to do that, but it's hard to understand when it's so thorough. But that doesn't mean she's totally unselfish. Because Saber is protecting you for her own objectives."

"――Oh." That's right. I forgot about the reason she became a Servant.

"…I see. Saber's goal is to obtain the Holy Grail. So it's not like she has no objectives."

And that Holy Grail will grant the wishes of its possessor. So Saber at least has a 'wish' she wants granted. I don't know what it is, but it's a wish she wants granted even if it means becoming a Servant. Surely the "wish" must be to save herself.

Yeah, for example. She's here in this time, so she can stay here and live a second life with the power of the Holy Grail. No, rather, she has to go that far to make up for her sad end――

"Oh――then this is all so easy!" "…? You're weird, suddenly getting all energetic. Was the conversation that exciting?"

"Yeah, it gave me energy. Yeah, she wouldn't fight so hard unless it was for that. Because Saber has to fight for her own wishes!"

I nod to myself. Tohsaka must have been shocked by my reaction.

"――Emiya-kun. I'm sorry to interrupt while you're so happy, but you're wrong. Saber wouldn't fight for herself.

"You know that too, right? Saber isn't like that. She doesn't seek the Holy Grail for her own benefit."

"W-What are you basing…" …That on… I can't finish. …That's right. Her last moment was a lonely one because she had no wishes for herself. So Saber cannot be seeking her own salvation.

"…!" But still. I wanted to think that, so I distorted her personality for a moment.

"―――――" "……" The conversation stops. …As soon as I start to think that the heavy silence will continue…

"It's boring, but Archer said the same things as you." "…Huh? Archer… you mean, that Archer?"

"Yeah. I asked him what his wish was too. What do you think he said?"

"Eh… uh, it's no good asking me that." I don't know anything about him. As Archer said that we'd eventually be enemies, he made no effort to talk to me or Saber. …But still. He was sarcastic a lot, but I know he wouldn't have a stupid objective.

"You'll laugh when you hear this. When I asked him what his wish was, he said this. 'Hmm. How about world peace?' I just burst out laughing. Then he got timid and said, 'I knew you would laugh. Well, there is no meaning in salvation by the deeds of others. Let's just call this a funny story.'"

"…I just thought, he became a heroic spirit and got summoned by someone like me because that's the way he is."

"―――――" …I see. He didn't look like it, but he was a fine knight.

"But don't get me wrong. If the Holy Grail will truly grant any wish, permanent world peace is the worst wish ever. It means there's nothing, right? A world without conflict is dead. If things aren't moving, all they do is rot."

"…Hmm. Did you say that to Archer as well?" "I did. And he said, 'That is how the wise think. I feel the same way, but I am still chasing a foolish dream.'"

"Well, I asked him if he had any other wishes, and he said something like 'I do, but it is not a wish to use the Holy Grail on. I shall let you grant your wish in my place' He was so snobbish, right? I bet he was a skirt chaser when he was alive."

"Hm. I didn't get that impression of him. So, what about it?" "Nothing. I just meant that there are all different kinds of Servants."

Oh, I see. …Well, I think it's a good reference, so it did help me out a bit.

"Well then, now it's my turn. I'm going to talk about Saber as well, though."

"…? Oh yeah, you were saying this morning that you wanted to talk to me about something."

"Yeah. It's nothing big, but I'm just wondering about it. Do you know the legend of King Arthur?" ――The legend of King Arthur. I've had it forced upon me more than enough in the past few days.

"I know what most people do. …Well, I didn't know that King Arthur was actually a girl."

"Yeah, but sex doesn't matter here. Even if King Arthur was a girl, it makes no difference to the legend. If King Arthur hid that fact from everyone around her, she would be treated as a man even if she wasn't one."

"Fortunately, King Arthur had a magus called Merlin. He was a crossbreed with an Incubus, so it must have been a piece of cake for him to disguise King Arthur's sex or to arrange for a child that should never have been born."

"…I bet. So?" "What concerns me is the discrepancy between the legend and Saber. Emiya-kun. Do you know what Excalibur is?"

"Why ask now? Excalibur is the symbol of King Arthur. It's a great sword, a gift from the fairies, that can cut through anything." "That's what I thought." For some reason, Tohsaka acts like she's won.

"…Hm. Did I say something strange?" "You did. And that means you made the same mistake as King Arthur. If Merlin was here, he'd yell at you for being foolish."

"Why? …Um, the sword in the stone wasn't Excalibur, right? That sword broke. He later received a sword from the lady of the lake and that was Excalibur, right?"

"Yup. When King Arthur received Excalibur, Merlin asked this question. 'Your highness. Which do you like better? The sword or the sheath?'"

"King Arthur answers without hesitation that he likes the sword, but Merlin scolds him. 'Please make no mistake here. The sword slashes the enemy, but the sheath protects you. As long as you have the sheath on you, you will spill no blood and take no wounds. You should truly value the sheath, not the sword.'"

"……" Tohsaka imitates King Arthur and Merlin skillfully.

"Hmm, you're pretty into this. ――So, what are you trying to say?"

"Y-You don't understand when I've told you this much!? In other words, King Arthur is immortal! Excalibur is a perfect Noble Phantasm, both in offense and defense. So really, Saber should heal right away even if she gets hurt!"

"…Tohsaka. Saber's wounds have all been healing."

"…That's true, but… it seems like her healing comes from using a great amount of magical energy… anyways, it doesn't seem to match the sheath of Excalibur in the legend."

"――I see. Well, if you say so…. Then, I have a question. You say King Arthur is immortal. So then, how did he die? The legend ends with King Arthur's death, right?"

"Huh?" Tohsaka opens her mouth, dumbfounded. After freezing for a few seconds, she grits her teeth and looks away.

"…That's right… the sheath of Excalibur was stolen…." Yeah, that's a simple mistake. I forgot about it too, but the fall of King Arthur started when he lost the sheath he should never have lost.

"So. Are you convinced now, Tohsaka?" "…Yeah. You can laugh at me if you want."

She's lying. I can tell she intends to axe kick me if I laugh.

"It's fine if you understand. But why were you worried about it? It should be no concern of yours whether Saber can get hurt or not."

"S-Shut up! I just lost myself thinking she'd be invincible if that was the case. Even I make mistakes once in a while."

"……" …This is hard. Would it be good for her if I correct her and point out that she makes mistakes often, not just once in a while?

By the time the sun sets, the rain has stopped. Based on our conversation during breakfast, we should be going out into town to search for other Masters after dinner, but――

"I have to find out before that." Saber's intentions. I need to know why she is fighting.

"…But I can't ask her straight on… I have to try to ask her as indirectly as possible." I make my mind up and stand up. Let's go to the living room. I hope I'll be able to penetrate the fortress using the calm before-dinner air as a shield――

"Just hypothetically. What should we do if we win the Holy Grail War?" So. Since I couldn't come up with any good ideas, I ask her directly.

"Eh?" "Huh?" "Hm?" They all give the same response with different expressions.

"――I'm talking about after we win. I'm saying what should we do if we win the Holy Grail War."

"You don't need to explain the question… but what's wrong? Why are you asking?"

Even though they don't nod, it seems like Saber and Ilya have the same question. …I guess it was unnatural to abruptly ask. But I have to play ignorant for now.

"Well, it just came to mind. There are only three Servants left, so it's not that weird to start thinking about it, right? There's not much left now and the end is near."

"Hmm… Well, you're right. Even you'll start thinking about it in this situation. Even though you didn't start this because you wanted to, I bet you're curious about the reward since you're risking your life."

"Y-Yeah. I'm curious." …Thank God Tohsaka likes to reason things out. I think one of Tohsaka's good aspects is to consider anything as a possibility if it sounds reasonable. Well, just in this case, though.

"So, how about you, Tohsaka? What will you do if you get the Holy Grail?" I ask as naturally as I can.

"…Let's see. I only really thought about winning, so there's nothing I wanted the Holy Grail to grant. I'll get it, but I haven't thought about anything after that."

"―――――" So she's fighting because she doesn't want to lose, huh? …Well, I guessed so, but I never really thought I'd be right.

"I'm stunned. You seem to be the one thinking the most, but you're actually the one who thinks the least." "Heh, you're one to talk. Then what about you, Ilyasviel?"

"I don't know. I was just told that the Holy Grail is mine, so I shouldn't give it to anyone. Since it's mine to begin with, of course I don't care about it."

"…Oh. So you're saying the Holy Grail War is more fun than the Holy Grail?" "Of course. I only came to win. I don't care who uses the Holy Grail."

…Are they the same? The two glare at each other silently and there seems to be a sympathy I can't understand.

"……" Saber doesn't say anything. She must not intend to join this conversation. But――no matter how much Saber hates it, I must ask her this question now.

"I kind of understand you two's intentions." I try to nod naturally and… "Then how about you, Saber?" I ask Saber.

"……" Saber doesn't answer. …They must have realized Saber's acting in a complicated manner as they both stare at her. If I'm counting, there must be about a minute's silence.

"I do not need to say this, but it is my duty to obtain the Holy Grail. I do not know how powerful the Holy Grail is. But as long as it is the Holy Grail, I must obtain it. …And of course, I would have my wish granted if it can grant it."

――She said it. Without a doubt, Saber said she has her own wish――!

"I see. Then what's your wish?" I restrain my pounding heart and ask calmly. "―――――" Saber doesn't answer.

…That's fine too. If she cannot answer, chances are good that her wish is a selfish one.

Considering Saber's personality, she would hesitate to speak of a selfish wish. So――I would prefer if she keep quiet and not tell me a ridiculous wish. Such whining fills my head.

"Is it that hard? Grandfather said the wish of the Servants is to be resurrected into this world. Those Servants seek the Holy Grail to live a second life. Isn't that the case for you, Saber?"

I raise my head at her words. There's no problem if that's Saber's wish. But…

"――No, I have no interest in a second life. My intentions are close to those of Rin and Ilyasviel. My goal is only to obtain the Holy Grail. I became a Servant as a price to obtain the Holy Grail."

――I knew that had to be it. I knew the girl who took that oath pulling out the sword would not seek a second life.

"…Hold on. You became a Servant in exchange for obtaining the Holy Grail…? You mean the contract when you become a heroic spirit?"

"Yes. In exchange for becoming a Servant, I seek the Holy Grail."

"What!? Then you're not a Servant summoned to obtain the Holy Grail, but you became a Servant by your own will…!?"

She must be really surprised as she yells all this, then tilts her head not believing her own words.

"…So Saber wasn't summoned because she was a heroic spirit, but she joined this battle willingly?"

"But as long as you're a Servant, you're respected as a heroic spirit. So you can't interfere with this world deliberately… then you're well beyond the Servants' rule… no, that's not right. Geez, hold on. I'll work this out."

"No, you do not need to do so. What you said is correct. I am different from the other Servants. I have yet to become a complete Servant."

"Not a complete Servant――?" What does that mean? No, more importantly――what does it mean to become a Servant?

Saber said… She agreed to become a Servant as a price for obtaining the Holy Grail. Then that means――

"…Hold on. Could it be that the Servants are forced to fight as the price for obtaining something?"

"No, that is wrong. From the very beginning, Servants are special familiars that exist only for the Holy Grail War. 'Servant' is summoning magic that uses the special characteristics of the heroic spirits. They were originally heroic spirits, so they do not have any rules like 'I was given bread, so I have to work.'"

"…Yeah. The Servant system uses heroic spirits, guardian spirits. They're using something that already exists, so there's no price for the Masters or the Servants to pay."

"But I've heard that before they become a Servant――they need to pay a price to become a heroic spirit. Heroic spirits are guardians of the people, right? It's like they work for people even after they die to prevent the destruction of humanity and so on."

"So, to become this guardian, a living hero must make a contract with something. This is the contract of the heroic spirits――a ritual to give their existence to the world after they die."

"The ones who obtain riches from the exchange become heroes, and after they do whatever they want to as heroes and die, they become Servants to pay for these riches. So in other words, they go into debt to become a hero, and repay the debt when they die by becoming a heroic spirit. We summon Servants by stealing the debt liability from the world."

"Hm――so humans become heroes by contracting with something, and they're summoned as heroic spirits after they die to pay for becoming a hero? Then the conditions of the exchange that Saber made is――"

The Holy Grail. As Saber obtained the Holy Grail in her life, she became a heroic spirit after she died as a price――?

"…That's not right. Saber says her objective is to obtain the Holy Grail. But she should have already obtained it, because she became a hero in exchange for the Holy Grail."

"――No, Shirou. I have not yet obtained the Holy Grail. Arturia――King Arthur's wish was to obtain the Holy Grail while she lived. I had to obtain the Holy Grail before I died. So I agreed that I would become a heroic spirit after I died if I could obtain the Holy Grail."

"As Rin said, humans make a contract with the world to become a hero, receive powers beyond human, and pay for it with life after death. …But I did not need the help of the world to become a hero. Fortunately, King Arthur needed no support to become a hero."

…She didn't need support to become a hero. So Saber became a hero by her own powers.

"…Hmm. But you're here as a heroic spirit. Does that mean King Arthur requested a different exchange from the world after he became a hero?"

"…Yes. I needed the Holy Grail in my final moments. I could not stand not having the Holy Grail. A wish appeared that I needed to have granted. That is why I made the contract of the heroic spirits. That if I could obtain the Holy Grail, I would wield my sword as a heroic spirit after my death."

"―――――" In her last moment, she wished for the Holy Grail's miracle. …I understand how she feels. That bloody hill. A grave of many swords and the many corpses of knights. A lone king whose reign ended in betrayal. …Her last moment was too unfair. Even if she had no wish of her own before then, she must have thought that…

I can't die here. I didn't want an end like this. So――if she wishes to prolong her life, she shouldn't be embarrassed about it――

"…I see. So you became able to obtain the Holy Grail by selling yourself off after death. But Saber, your condition was to obtain the Holy Grail while you were alive, right? Then――"

"Yes. I could not complete my search for the Holy Grail while I was alive. I――King Arthur could not obtain the Holy Grail even at the very end. But the contract cannot be completed like that. For the world to obtain me as a Servant, it must grant the Holy Grail while King Arthur is alive. So――"

"――King Arthur will not die until she obtains the Holy Grail. No, King Arthur cannot die. Then, you're…"

"…Yes. Time stopped for me, King Arthur, at the moment of death. According to the timeline, I should be already dead, but it will not be able to fulfill the contract that way. King Arthur is summoned as a Servant and must die after she obtains the Holy Grail."

"――So time itself isn't stopped, but you're stopped in time, huh? …It doesn't matter how many times you repeat the fight as a Servant. Because the result of obtaining the Holy Grail and fulfilling your contract is determined, so…."

"That is correct. Eventually, I will obtain the Holy Grail and fulfill the contract. That is why I can be summoned into many ages before I become a heroic spirit, on the condition that my becoming a heroic spirit is already determined."

"Not only the Holy Grail in this town. If there is a chance to obtain the Holy Grail, I will be summoned to any battlefield. And when I eventually obtain the Holy Grail and grant my wish, my stopped time shall start moving again. King Arthur will face death and become a heroic spirit as a price for obtaining the Holy Grail."

"…So it's like having a dream you can't wake up from right before your death, huh? This Holy Grail War is just one of those dreams for Saber. And you'll only be able to wake up when you obtain the Holy Grail."

"Rin, you said that Shirou could not turn me into spirit form because he is inexperienced. But that is wrong. I cannot become a spirit because I have not died yet. I am handled differently, but I am still classified as a living being. …It was the same in the last Holy Grail War."

…Saber says so as if she's apologizing. I guess because she was lying about being stuck in physical form because I was inexperienced. "―――――" I don't really care about that. There's something more important that I have to ask her.

"Saber. What do you mean by you're not dead yet? I understand that you won't die until you obtain the Holy Grail. …From the conversation, I understand that you haven't been alive since the time of King Arthur. But then, what are you right now? You're not a copy of the real body, right?"

"No. 'Heroic spirits' that are summoned are all like copies of the 'true body', but I have not yet reached that rank. Until I obtain the Holy Grail, I am called in the form of 'myself about to die'."

"As Rin said, King Arthur is stopped in the river of time. I must jump forward or backward from that position, and return to that stopped point once I obtain the Holy Grail."

I draw a diagram in my head. …I see, it's pretty simple once I visualize it. King Arthur is stopped at the moment before death. The flow of time doesn't care that she's stopped. It keeps flowing and we're at the present.

She jumps to each time as needed and returns to her own time after completing her duty.

If she obtains the Holy Grail in one of the times she visits, her time will flow again and she will die, just like the history we know today.

…Then heroic spirits must exist like this. When they die, they are transferred to a place like a 'warehouse', where time doesn't flow.

And they are summoned into various ages and disappear without returning. So that must be what they mean by heroic spirits being a copy.

It's like a clone made from their DNA. The 'heroic spirit' that has complete abilities and memories of when it was alive will appear in this world and learn many things. But it is useless.

They have no way to return to the main body, but merely disappear. So no matter how many times they are summoned into the same age, there will be no inconsistencies in their memories.

I assume the ones that became heroic spirits will not change anymore. Even if they obtain new knowledge, the self that learns it will just disappear once the duty is complete.

…In that regard, Saber isn't a complete Servant. Because Saber returns to her own time even after she is summoned. ――To the self that is about to die on that bloody hill.

"Hold on. Then, what? You're going to take it back to your time and use it if you obtain the Holy Grail!? That's altering the past! Time travel and management of parallel universes is sorcery. There's no way you'll be able to do that."

"But the Holy Grail allows me to do this. I made a contract that I would become a Servant if I can use the Holy Grail. The price being becoming a Servant, even if it means the elimination of the person called Arturia."

Saber talks without much interest. But that's strange. Making a wish come true using the Holy Grail, that's fine. But why did she say Arturia would disappear as a result?

"…What are you talking about? Arturia will disappear when she uses the Holy Grail…? Don't mess around. Saber. You're――" That girl, about to die quietly, alone on that hill. "――not going to use the Holy Grail to save yourself?"

"…? What do you mean, Shirou? My only desire is to save my country from ruin…."

"Wha――――" I can sense that my face is frozen. I should already have realized this, but my mind is spacing out and I feel like throwing up. "W-Why…?" But still. I force my question out.

"It is obvious. I could not protect my country. I became king to protect the country, but I could not fulfill that duty. I thought at that time… That perhaps the sword chose me by mistake."

"Th――" That's stupid. Why?

"…No, I always had such doubts. That I might not be the right king. That there was another hero who should have been chosen. At that time――when I pulled the sword out, there must have been a suitable king who would have been able to save the country I could not. …So if I could redo the selection of the king using the power of the Holy Grail, then――"

…Then, what? Does she mean to say that her country would not have been destroyed if she returned to that time?

"―――――" I feel faint. I'm quickly surpassing mere anger that Saber would seriously wish for such a thing.

I guess I'm dumbfounded right now. It's only natural. Saber's wish is not for herself. And on top of that, it means her elimination.

The girl in front of me exists because that holy sword was there and because a king pulled it out. ――Preventing that would mean that the girl in front of me would not exist.

Let's say she grants her wish using the Holy Grail. The girl Arturia, never becoming king, would live out her days as a knight. But what about the Saber in front of me? As she is a heroic spirit, she will continue to be summoned to fight after her wish is granted.

Since she paid a price to obtain the Holy Grail, Saber will continue to be, even if Arturia doesn't become king. Taken away from the future and from the past. She will forever be the lonely king dying on that hill.

"―――――Ridiculous." I can't allow that. There's no salvation there. Even if she did redo everything and there really is a more appropriate king and her country lasts longer as a result, and even if she is saved…

――It's a lie. Even if everyone around her becomes happy, the ten years she fought can't just disappear.

"No――you can't do that. You can't redo things and it's useless even to try."

"…Shirou?" "――Don't use the Holy Grail for such a thing. You're going to obtain the Holy Grail by fighting yourself, right? So you should use that miracle for your own sake."

"…As I have told you, I will be using it for myself. I――Arturia must fulfill her duty as king." "…!" So why don't you understand――!?

"Don't be ridiculous, you've already fulfilled more than your duty…! You've fought that much already. You didn't give up even when you were betrayed or feared. You didn't let go of your sword until the very end on that hill. So why――why do you have to keep such promises even after you die…!?"

"――" Saber is astonished. "Oh…" ――It's too late to regret what I've said. I shouldn't have admitted that I see Saber's past in my dreams.

"―――――" …A heavy silence. There are no words to give her nor any words to reply. I can sense that anything I say will backfire in this situation. But still――I can't just stay silent.

"…Saber. I don't like it when people aren't rewarded for their hard work." It's meaningless that way, and it's just too unfair. I know it's a childish ideal, but I want to believe that people will get happier the more they work for it.

"…I won't lose to other Masters. I'll obtain the Holy Grail for sure. …So please, grant your own wish. If you do――I'll actually be able to find some meaning in this stupid war."

"―――――" That's the conclusion I've reached. I don't know what the Holy Grail is nor if it's right to obtain it. But if Saber will be saved even a little, I'll be able to try with all my powers――

"…!?" The loud bell rings out and the house falls into darkness.

The surrounding air changes immediately. Even though the lights suddenly went off, nobody says a thing and tries to feel the surroundings.

The loud ring stops and the living room is silent. But. The sound of light things rubbing against each other can be heard in the distance.

"…Was that alarm the boundary field on this house…?" I nod silently. This sound is the same as when Lancer intruded. Then this must be――

"――!" The sounds are increasing and coming closer. …A strange sound. It reminds me of bugs crawling around a light trap.

This living room is the only place free of the sound. It hasn't even been a minute yet since the lights went out, but the living room is surrounded by this unknown sound.

"――An enemy? But even for a Servant, this is…" There's too many of them. I'm a magus too, even if I'm a bad one. I can sense that many sources of magical energy surround this place.

Skimming quickly, I can at least count twenty. …But they are strangely light. I don't feel any human will. The things making the sounds are like empty puppets.

"Oh, so they did come. They were running away all this time, but they come out as soon as Berserker is gone.[l] Really, this Servant is a schemer." ――Oh. Unlike the three of us who are tense, Ilya is strangely calm.

"You can tell, Ilya!?" "Of course. I can sense any Servant. The one outside is Caster, and there are lots of other things out there too. ――Oh, they're just cheap golems bound by dragons' teeth."

Ilya says simply. And――the sound stops at the same time.

"―――――" I take the wooden sword I keep in the living room. …Tohsaka and Saber seem to be waiting for me to make a move. I――

[rigelmejo]

So I haven't posted in a while. Little updates:

I finished arc 1 of Guardian in chinese again. So now I wont feel bad reading the book 1 english translation.

I took a break from chinese for a while then came back to read. And its interesting to me how much is stored like "2nd level down" in my memory. I don't recall words when trying to talk, after a long enough break. But I start reading, and my brain subvocalizes the hanzi and I can recall this Gist General Meaning of the words. Some words I recall their meaning and all, some just an overall general idea. But I havent forgotten much, nothing totally forgotten, and then most of the details of words come back within an hour or reading. Its surprising to me that reading chinese, memory wise, seems a LOT like reading french. I didnt expect it to be quite as similar a process. But it seems that remembering hanzi Words is as permanent as remembering french word stems/endings (or english ones). Reading skills have long staying power, and don't degrade much even with long breaks between usage. This is Excellent news. Since I don't have time to study much for the next several months, so I'm glad reading skills will stay as good as they are Or Improve if I read, without needing maintenance study. I'd like to improve my listening skill too, because being able to understand audiobooks would increase the chinese novels I could get through that I want to read (audiobooks would be faster than reading). But I dont have time yet for listening reading combo study, and time will tell if i do that activity WHEN and IF listening skills also gradually solidify then become reliable so one can study more sporadically and still see improvement.

My french skills are. Fascinating. I havent purposely studied in like over 5 years. I dont get that much French exposure (my google is in french but tbh google email and notifications do not use a big variety of words). But I've noticed a dramatic improvement in listening skills. My french reading skills have been fine for years. Theyre at a level where I can read like a high schooler: so i can read fiction for adults, but some words or literary devices go over my head and I have to just guess, the more in depth text analysis of themes might be a challenge, but just getting the story/information/most details is fine. I havent had to limit what i read in french in ages. Its just a matter of in french i feel like i did in high school where some fiction makes me "think hard" to grasp some points, versus english where i dont run into needing to Think Hard like that unless I'm reading something written pre-1800s. Anyway my point is: reading skills have been stable a while in french. Listening skills have markedly improved despite very little purposeful practice. I think I should probably start listening to podcasts or audiobooks some point soon. Through scattered listening to B1 and B2 comprehensible audio on youtube, and french shows, im to a point where if the audio has visual context i can follow everything going on and learn new words pretty easy. So now its just listening to french when i have no visuals to rely on, that's a struggle. I remember a few years back, i could not listen to french shows id just get confused, i needed the subtitles to follow anything. My ears mustve gotten used to french or just gotten used to Listening Better to things. Anyway, if i start trying and French Listening Only materials ill mention some progress.

Anyone have any french audiobooks or podcasts/fiction story podcasts they enjoy???

Japanese. also in a weird place. ToT. My biggest hurdle isnt even japanese: its being too chicken to challenge myself. I can play Yakuza Ishin in japanese and follow the main idea and objectives and main points in scenes. Yet i have NOT played more cause it feels Draining to grasp all that info from context and im lazy. I know if i watch a show in only japanese, with japanese subtitles, i know enough to grasp the main plot. But im lazy and its a LOT of effort to see the japanese subtitles and match new sounding words with kanji and try to remember the new pronunciation AND pay attention to the brand new plot. So i fall back onto english subs. I KNOW i can read japanese novels with a click dictionary, its just such SLOW reading, and if i just read while listening and Guess all unknown words its mentally exhausting even though its faster. I even have the easy peasy Glossika Japanese audio to listen to, but im still on lesson 36 because i have to Pay Full Attention when i listen to new lessons and im too lazy to listen with full attention ToT. I can watch lets plays in japanese, i understand them, but the effort of focusing is so much MORE than it would take if i just went to watch an english lets play where i can just hear in the background and follow it fine not even looking at it.

I am at a POINT in japanese where I CAN just learn by doing now! Which is huge! Its an incredibly useful milestone to be at! And makes future study, in the long run, much less daunting to plan as it can become just Do Stuff In Japanese to study. But since im at the beginning of this Comprehend Enough to Learn More from Context phase... learning new stuff from context still takes SO MUCH EFFORT. ITS SO DRAINING. Paying enough attention to comprehend things ive studied is exhausting, paying extra attention to new stuff and guessing what it means is draining and requires a Lot of focus. I know this is just how this stage goes but. Im so lazy.

What i need is something in japanese im SO interested in, that it drives me to engage with it even though I'm drained because im so Curious and Interested in understanding, so i push through until comprehending gets easier. Ideally, a game or show, something that plays so i am Forced to frequently proceed to the next sentence. Because with books and manga i will just stop and dwell on a paragraph for 2 hours and not learn much new stuff.

This stage is especially grating because im not in the stage with french or chinese anymore. I can listen to chinese shows in the background, check my phone while listening, not use the chinese subtitles, pay half attention while drawing. Chinese audiobooks require More attention, but i can listen to them walking or driving without subtitles/transcript and still follow the plot. With french Im to that same comfortable point with shows and youtube videos, not audio only stuff yet but i dont Engage with french audio only stuff. My point is Japanese is the only one where Im really feeling that INTENSE FOCUS drain whenever i try to engage with challenging new stuff in japanese. I dont feel an intense drain with chinese unless I read one of my harder reading level Print Novels or a higher vocab audio only material. I dont feel it with french unless Im doing it with audio only material. I feel the drain constantly with japanese.

[urdepressedslut]

Scars of Your Soul | (ch. 2)

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x Fem!Reader

Platonic!Claire Redfield x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and claire share a vulnerable moment, while you and Leon later prepare for the mission.

Warnings: angst, trauma, PTSD, panic attacks

(Y/N)'S POV

It wasn't the early mornings that made me so unsure of everything. It was the deep feeling of the black abyss growing in the center on my stomach, spreading to my chest, constricting me with its tentacles. Slowly it would take ahold of my arms and legs, numbing them with every second. My movements slow, and soon I'm paralyzed to myself as the fog creeps itself into my head.

It almost felt like no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many meditation sessions before bed. I always woke with a tainted mind. Filled with the same voices that followed me from the city.

Maybe I didn't know how to cope, maybe I was just stuck in the never ending stage of denial. I knew my family was dead, they were not coming back. So why couldn't I move on? It didn't feel fair that I had to carry this unwelcoming guilt on my back, physically draining me.

Things never happened the way I wanted them to. Of course Leon had found out everything about my family, and ever since then he's been trying so hard to reassure me and.. just be there I guess.

But it felt more like a chore he had to do, at least that's what I was sure of. I felt bad that he had to tiptoe around me, watch me like I was going to jump off a building the second he looks away.

Surely this wasn't a life he'd ever want, and I wasn't going to burden him with any of it. He'd told me back in the city that he didn't care, and he was going to be there for me for whatever, but.. He didn't deserve this.

I don't deserve him.

"—even know why she tries. I know her too well." Claire ended, making me feel bad that I had missed most of her words. I wasn't trying to ignore her, I just seemed more distracted than usual.

I nodded and stayed silent, hoping she wouldn't catch on that I had no idea what she was going on about.

"(Y/N)? You okay?" She asked playfully but knew there was always something going on in my mind.

I tried to push a laugh, but not even a chuckle passed through.

"Sorry.. just thinking." I told her, voice monotone.

"That's never good." She said, running her fingers through her hair.

"Trust me, if I could shut my mind down.. I would." I said, wanting that exact option.

She laughed at that, focusing on me again.

"You're gonna be okay, you know?" She started, focusing more on my upcoming mission. The one that did wonders for my nerves.

"Yeah. It's not all completely about the mission that I'm worried about." I told her truthfully, there was much more than just the mission.

She tilted her head but then soon after caught on to what I was trying to infer. She took a second to think of what to say.

"What's to worry about? You and Leon make a great team, you both helped bring justi—" Claire started but I interrupted her.

"We are distracted together. Instead of focusing on the mission, we worry too much about each other." I told her, and she listened patiently. "Especially last time, I slowed him down with all my whining."

"To be fair, you were dying.. actually you did die a couple times.." She said, wincing at her last words.

It still felt odd to talk about my death(s) like it was such a normal thing. It felt wrong, the fact that I cheated death multiple times while other people didn't get that extra chance.

It was a little like survivor's guilt, but there was something else tied to it. I couldn't think of it clearly, but the feeling always lingered every time the conversation was brought up.

"I just don't want anything bad to happen.." I told her, and she nodded immediately.

"I understand your concern, but I assure you.. you will be fi—"

"I meant Leon. I don't want anything bad to happen to him.. I wouldn't be able to live with myself." I finished and she didn't know exactly how to answer.

"(Y/N).. You're cured. You're not gonna hurt him. I know you're scared that you'll lose control but.. you won't." She told me so confidently, it confused me.

"How are you so sure?" I asked her, wanting her to be right but I grew so afraid of myself.

"I just know." She said, her lips closed and waiting for my response.

Before I could reply a voice sounded outside my room, stopping Claire and I's conversation.

"Miss (Y/L/N), your team is leaving in thirty." A random voice announced.

The tension filled my body, my back straightening. Zipping up my bag, I turned to Claire and walked over to her.

Surprising her slightly, I pulled her into a bone crushing hug. One that held built up emotions. Goodbyes weren't our thing, but I started to get that feeling that this may be our last time together. My gut ached, and I wished it wasn't true.

"I love you bud." I whispered and she tended at my words. Pulling back from the hug soon after and staring into my pain filled eyes.

Her eyes started to gloss over and she looked down. Pulling away from my arms, sniffling, she looked up at me.

"Don't do that. I'll see you soon." She said, trying to sound confident but her voice faltered.

Without another word she walked out, leaving me standing in the middle of my room. Thoughts going wild.. as always.

__________________

It was silent, air thick with tension as the van grew closer and closer to the supposedly infected village.

Leon stayed quiet as he looked outside, watching the trees pass by. Propping an arm up against the window, while he rested his cheek on his fist.

I couldn't help but take him in. For a second I didn't recognize him without his rookie cop gear on, instead he was wearing thick pants accompanied by combat boots. But what really caught my eye was the brown leather jacket that hid the black shirt that clung to his lean body. He looked... good.

He'd come so far as to adapting to this lifestyle, and I wondered if it bothered him like it did me. He wasn't afraid to show me how he was feeling, but I knew he was keeping a lot locked away. Was it for the sake of making sure I didn't worry?

"You look good Leon." I told him, breaking the thick silence. I noticed the two drivers in front tilting their heads back, obviously them ease-dropping. Nosy.

Leon turned his head, and slowly a smile formed. His cheeks reddening slightly from my compliment.

"You look better." He shot back, grabbing my hand closest to him and squeezing it, rubbing the back lightly.

For a moment everything felt at peace, maybe the last moment of peace before we entered the nightmare that was waiting for us.

LEON'S POV

I knew the (Y/N) gazing into my eyes wasn't the same girl I'd fallen for back in Raccoon City. But she was in there somewhere, and I'd learn to love her in anyway she presented herself as.

I wanted her to see that I wasn't going anywhere, that I'd wait forever for her. Now that I have experienced what living life with her around was like, I couldn't go back. She was my everything.. I'd continue to love her even if she walked away.

Pushing the thought away, I held her hands. Rubbing the back of her hand the way she liked, I know it helps calm her down.

"I'm serious, you look amazing. You've been working so hard.. I'm proud!" She told me, her eyes bright with pride. My face felt heated, and I knew from the look in her eyes that blush had spread over my cheeks.

I hated it, but she loved it.

"Thank you." I responded awkwardly, her compliments flustering me.

She sent a teasing smile over before shifting her gaze and body towards the window, watching the trees pass.

I couldn't help myself and begun to stare. Regardless of the trauma, she still looked angelic. Her beauty seemed unfit, the world being too ordinary for what she deserved.

She seemed to sense my stare and slowly locked her eyes with mine again.

She opened her mouth slightly before closing, like she was about to say something but had changed her mind. She started to lean forward instead, shocking me with the sudden action.

I watched her eyes lower to my lips and back up to my eyes, and I couldn't help but lower mine to her rosy lips.

Ever so slowly, our lips connected. Fitting the puzzle pieces together in perfect form. I raised a hand and carded my fingers through her hair, gently detangling any knots I felt.

My tongue darted out to swipe at her bottom lip, asking permission. With that she had gasped, breaking apart for breath, leaning her forehead against mine. Her hands were gripping my jacket with hunger, and it was then I noticed her shaking slightly.

Snapping me out of my lust, I pushed her hair from her eyes behind her ears, getting a better glimpse at her face.

"(Y/N)?" I whispered, wanting the two guys up front to keep up their random banter so that we could keep the little sliver of privacy.

She shook her head and gently grabbed my face with both her hands, forcing me to gaze into her glossy eyes. I was waiting for her to say something but it never came. She looked like she had so much to say, but was somehow being held back. I frowned at the internal battle I was watching on her face, it pained me.

Without any more words, I lifted my lips to her forehead and placed a kiss. Wishing that I could play a mantra over and over in her head that everything was going to be okay.

I loved her so much.