#This was so insane CHAYANNE came to stop them

[royalarchivist]

Pac and Mike somehow figured out a way to get back into the Nether.

[swords-of-a-soilder]

Just Shapes

I'm just venting here, I'm not asking for advice if anything the most I'd want is a supportive word or two.

A random day in 2022 I was playing the Sims on my mother's laptop, I had a lot of mods of course, a few risky ones in including.

I had a queer couple, that I loved playing with, but suddenly whenever they got intinment, they had a moodlit in which they express not being intersed in each other.

It felt like my entire world had fell apart, I was in frantic tears trying to fix. I would constantly jump back and forth from create a sim trying to figure out what mod was breaking their relationship.

I eventually fixed it, but once I did, once I looked back at these sims again, they became shapes, pixels on a screen they weren't real they were never real.

I close that save, then never opened it again.

Perphas I'm parasocial in what I'm about to say, but the reality is we're all parasocial it's why certain careers exist. streamers depend on the viewer being parasocial, our enjoyment is what pay them.

Its just some people take things too far, and it gives parasocial behaviors a bad name, I knew the qsmp characters were different from their actors(streamers) that played them.

I'm not the type of person who thought Philza minecraft was my best friend but q!Philza was someone else entirely. Someone I felt close to, someone who's journey I felt apart of; Those eggs were just as much my kids as his own, I felt like a resident.

With Forever's removal and q!forever with him I became painful awear of what I was watching.

The series that keep me company when I quit my abusive job and was seeking new ones, The series that made me forget the pain of being hit by a car, the series that made me forget the Sexual abuse I expressed at my newer job that I shortly quit after.

The pain I felt over and over non stop, the continuous cycle of trauma I was able to process slowly without feeling alone. Living in that tiny space, with nothing to eat but determine not to go back to my abuser, at least with them I wasn't alone.

Perhaps I'm parasocial for feeling like a resident, perhaps I'm parasocial for loving Chayanne and Tallulah like my own children, perhaps I was parasocial for cheering for my team in Purgatory.

But it meant so much more to me than just a Minecraft roleplay server, it was my entire life. And now it's just shapes, pixels and shapes on a screen.

I think back to Qsmp 2023 and it's there, the joy, this overall sense of Happiness these people I know and care about, I made a Tumblr account just to see more art of them, I engaged in headcannons, joined discord servers with other residents we were all residents.

Whether you were a crow that sat top q!Philza's head, the voices in q!Fit's head; your art sat in the museum, your head canon's adopted into canon and your jokes acknowledged.

We were residents, without ever stepping foot on that island....

Now Tumblr still recommends me clip, There are some people I forgot to unfollow or choice not to. They show me the new Island and new creators, they tell me about the new mods and new characters.

They show my children, they show me my friend q!Philza, they show me all these things I love but..

It's Just Shapes...

Now in it's current existence it's just shapes, pixel on a screen actors In a play, I see nothing but the actors behind it, nothing but improvised roleplay, nothing but a video game.

Shapes.. and it drives me insane that some people don't understand that, and it comes with the neurodiversity I Know. no one ever talks about how painful hyperfixation death truly is.

Its made worst by seeing how the fandom, the other residents have started turning on one another. Residents bite and growl at me like I'm a villain came to kill them, I was one of you!

It wasn't my choice but it's one I'm glad for, seeing how cruel We've became. It isn't even the same island anymore, they left me behind on the old one.

And that's fine, the new one is just a pixilated mess to me.

[letterstothelosers]

First part/ start of thread (in order for this to not be a post you have to scroll forever to get through/past)

Okay..I’m taking a page from you book and doing a list because…they are easier.

1. My anger.

I haven’t felt angry, like really angry, until Stan got hurt. And considering how bad my bipolar was and how I dealt with the meds and stuff…it’s better. But, I still need to work on some stuff. That’s what boxing is for and it’s helped me out so much this past month or so. And..I’m proud of myself. You also once said that maybe you brought anger out in me and…to a point, that could be true. I think you bring my emotions out more than anyone, like, you make them stronger. Which, in terms of love and affection and happiness is amazing. But then when we’d fight or argue my anger and sadness would sky rocket because I’ve never felt like I could actually lose someone until…us. It terrified me, that something I couldn’t control could ruin a relationship I care so deeply about. Ya know?

2. My really dumb impulsive decisions.

This is a big one, mostly because it reflects on how much of an idiot I am. I took LSD by myself which was…the stupidest thing I could have done looking back. And I shouldn’t have. It cost me a lot more than I thought and I have dealt with it everyday. I scared you and you had every right to leave me to deal with it by myself. I deserved that. I think if you tried to help I wouldn’t have learnt my lesson. Yes, it was terrifying and…one of the worst nights of my life but, I grew from it. I know never to do dumb ass shit like that again. Ever. I also think, with the drinking thing, that in my head it’s like ‘the right way to deal with things’ and that was installed by my father. I don’t depend on it, fuck no, however I have grown up around someone who did. I was able to stay away from it for a week and a bit and I’m also proud of myself for that. But I know when I drink I say dumb things. The ‘New Years Eve Target Incident’ for example. I will never do anything like that to you ever again. I swear. I know things that I say when I’m drunk are stupid and..I want that to stop. I think I’m better at holding my tongue more and just…keeping quiet instead of blurting shit out. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s a work in progress.

3. My jealousy.

This is something I don’t talk about very often, with…well, anyone. I don’t like being jealous, I’ve never thought it was an attractive thing for people to have. But people get it. It’s human nature. I’ll be honest and say that for a long time, I was insanely jealous of Peter. To the point where I didn’t want to get to know him or talk to him or anything. I thought…I thought he was replacing me. Which is so stupid to even think of now, considering how amazing he has been and how lovely he has been to me. But the jealousy that stops. That has stopped. It was a big part of my mind for a long time but I refuse to let something so petty get in the way of my healing. And yours, too.

4. The poly situation.

It’s very obvious, as many anons have pointed out, that I am attracted to a lot of people. I hooked up with Jack, and Chayann, before I decided that both of them were much better off as friends, because I wanted to explore. I wanted to be with a girl and explore my bisexuality and I did and it’s amazing! But, that never clouded my feelings for you or that I know you are the one for me. Also…I’ve come to really like Hannah. She knows I’m bisexual..and poly…and in love with you. And she’s cool with it, 100%. Thank god. I don’t know what will happen when we get back together but…I’d like to continue having dates with her, as you do with Peter. I can see myself dating her, but..obviously you’re gay and girls aren’t your thing so…we reach a wall. But, I guess we can talk about that.

I..don’t know what else to list right now until you bring something up so…your go.

- Richie

Okay, first I will reply to your points, before saying my own piece. To keep it all need and in order:

1)

- a) I understand what you are saying, but you got angry before that, too. And often. I don’t say that to be mean, just as a fact. Maybe you felt the angriest with that, but it was not the time you showed the most anger outwardly.

- b) The boxing helps, and I see it helping, but it cannot be your only solution. I really hope you are talking to Simon about various methods you can use together.

- c) I said that... in a way that maybe wasn’t taken the correct way. And that is on me for how I may have explained it. For a while, it felt like you only ever got truly angry with me; that it was only taken out on me. And it felt unfair and like I had deserved it every single time. I know we’ve both mostly grown past this, but maybe it is also still a bit true?

- d) Often, the things you say while angry hurt a lot. I know they aren’t things you would normally say, but it still is heavy and painful. Getting told I leave when all I’ve ever tried to do is be there for people, as one example. I just.. you don’t feel like yourself when you get angry. I’m glad it’s getting better, truly.

- e) Nothing is ruined. Things are growing and changing and healing, but not ruined.

2)

- a) As I’ve stated before, my issues weren’t with the drug itself. My issue was with the fact that you ignored a shitton of people telling you not to do it. You ignored me tell you no. I told you I was uncomfortable. I told you that it would be unfair to do that in such an irresponsible way so close to what happened with Stan. I told you that at the times pills, in general, were making me feel weird and triggered memories I did not want to revisit. I told you no and you didn’t listen. I told you no so many times, even with reasons, and you did not listen to any of them.

And the way you talk about it, you talk like it was somehow something I should have helped with. Something I walked away from. It wasn’t. It was something you did. Even couples aren't supposed to be each other’s keepers.Couples aren’t there to always rescue each other, especially when I was already completely falling apart and you knew that. That night you didn’t do something dumb. You did something painful and insensitive and dangerous. That night was terrible. And painful, and I will admit that I’m still not past it. It still bothers me, maybe more often than it should.

- b) You do drink alone a lot. It worries me. If you were drinking with friends or at a party or in social settings with other people I wouldn’t worry. But you often don’t. You usually drink alone and you usually end up feeling worse when you do and sometimes you do or say things I know that sober you would hate. I’m not saying you shouldn’t drink. I just think that you should be careful because you did stop for a week but the first time drinking after that you couldn’t even walk from the kitchen to the bed... I just worry, sometimes. About a lot of things.

- c) ..... New Year’s and Target. That was... a hard one. Ignoring safe words is never okay. I’m not sure if I can really say more on this right now. I’m sorry.

3)  Peter is not replacing anyone. People are not interchangeable. And I’ve said it before but I will again: Peter and I are not dating and we are not together. We are friends who have gone a total of three dates. He’s nice. I like him. I am glad that you like him.

4) A lot of this is future talk. Which I still think we should put on hold until we are talking it all out. But I did hear everything you said.

Now, my turn at the list:

1) Sex.

I know that me not being able to have sex has been hard on you. And I’m working on it. I guess part of me was hoping Jack or Chayann or some other person could help you, but it seems that is not the case. I’m not sure how long it will take for me to be okay with sex, or if I will ever be. I know... I know you say that you are okay with that but I know how you feel about sex. I know how much you need it for your own healing and anger control and a host of other things. I need you to not say you are okay with it all if you aren’t.

2) Silence and Space

I know when how I cope isn’t the healthiest. I’m working on it, but sometimes things still get to be too much. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes my voice stops working. And that is not a reflection on you. I’m sorry if me needing space has ever felt like me not wanting to be around you.

3) Guilt and such

Sometimes I struggle with how to deal with feelings I feel guilty for feeling. The newest thing being my birthday. I know you didn’t have any say. And I know that it is wrong of me to hold any of it against you.. but it all hurt so fucking much. I had confessed the hardest thing I ever had to say to you. And two days later, on a day that was meant to be happy and special and mine, you weren’t here and it felt like you stole part of my day. It felt like you abandoned me. And then in a cruel twist, you came back early but I had other plans. Plans I asked others not to make for my actual birthday because I was planning on you and the losers. You were literally only gone on my birthday.. and it hurt like hell. It still hurts a bit. And.... there are things sometimes I feel things I shouldn’t about. And I’m working on it.

I.... am sure there is more for both of us, but that is mine for now. Your turn.