#Those looks have been giving me gender envy of the year

[moonbreezes]

I have nothing smart or witty or coherent to write

but go on evil sodomite son with the gallows eyes

you’ve been looking fine during your descent into madness

[bonknigirlinthehood]

//Contains canon divergence// i tried to make it as a gender neutral as possible, i think?. But yeah, if you know me i'm fond of fathers having daughters.

Have you ever thought about the chance of Jing Yuan having a foxian as a descendant?. It was extremely thin, given only one of his parents is one. Yet how surprised he was when his wife gave birth to a beautiful foxian baby. Doctors immediately do a DNA test, of course, which obviously turns out it's true that the baby belongs to Jing Yuan. I mean, who could've mistaken that fluffy white hair and a little mole under the eyes?. If anything, the baby itself looks more like Jing Yuan than its own mother.

Now here's the catch. His baby is not a normal foxian baby. It has 9 tails. It's a nine tailed foxian.

Its birth turns the whole of Xianzhou upside down. Other alliances are notified immediately, and Luofu itself is treading between celebration and war gossip.

Nine-tailed fox, a rare species of foxian whose existence has become a legend, a fairy tale, as for millennia there are none of them ever in any of Xianzhou ships. Its story is a common legend, a story about a holy fox who could grant any wish in exchange for one of their tails. It is said each of their tails contained almost 1000 years worth of life, meaning they can exist until 9000 years or even more.

Many people sought the holy nine tailed fox tails, for immortality, health, wealth, even it is said the tails can cure mara struck.

And the fact that Jing Yuan, the general of the Luofu has the ancient species itself is very shocking and somehow understandable at the same time.

Other Xianzhou generals even came to the Luofu to see the divine fox by themselves, even giving their blessings to both the baby and their parents. Hell, even the emperor themselves has come to visit Jing Yuan.

It was such a blessing, both to Jing Yuan, his wife and everyone else in the Luofu. Yet also a very tiring time. He has to put extra security everywhere, especially his abode-, to ensure no harm comes to his family. Having a divine fox as a child means there will be endless interview requests, which he easily turned all of them down. The problem is the higher ups who can just barge into his office and have the audacity to ask him to see his baby. For the first time in years his guards at the Seat of the Divine Foresight actually had to 'work' to shoo the unwanted visitor away.

For 5 years, no media or a person can successfully have a picture of the general's infamous baby. The only picture that ever circulated around is the photo of Jing Yuan and his wife leaving the hospital with their baby in hand. Even with that photo people are barely able to see the baby fox.

So you can imagine what kind of uproar happening when suddenly, out of nowhere, the general himself is taking a walk with a toddler--a correction, a toddler with nine tails.

All of the media is immediately filled from front to the back page with the picture of Luofu general taking a walk with his child. All kinds of gossip begins circulating, but somehow also dies down pretty quickly (thanks Qingzu). After this, many other Xianzhou generals paid a visit to Luofu to see the divine fox after 5 years. Needless to say, all of them are happy to see the little foxian with the fluffy tails.

It was a common topic for the people of Xianzhou Luofu wanting to bury their heads on those white, fluffy tails. They really envy the general for being able to do that anytime he wishes (he does), to the point some people actually starting a new business on to fluffed foxian tails to be as fluffy as the general's child.

Every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, the guards in the Seat of the Divine Foresight are filled with anticipation of receiving the precious foxian into the office. They always received a lot of gifts from the general's child, and they've been taking that as a divine artifact or something like that (even though it's just a normal flower or a pretty pebbles that look like a gem) to them, receiving such a gift is a blessing on itself--i mean, who would reject a gift from a divine fox??.

Jing Yuan's quality time with his little one is taking care of those nine tails. It was a lot of work. He even commissioned a special drying machine from the Artisanship Commission so he could practically skip the drying process after giving his baby a bath.

Many lotions, shampoos, and perfumes used are handmade and specially crafted for the little fox uses. They have to make sure the one and only general's heir is getting the best treatment, you know!.

Many Xianzhou alliances have been asking Jing Yuan about the possibility of sending the divine fox as a temporary priestess, giving blessings to other Xianzhou ships. Jing Yuan was not particularly fond of the idea, but he knew the importance of having the blessing of the holy species that barely exists in the whole universe, so he proposed a condition; his child needed to be at least half of a century first, and he HAS to accompany the trip. This means during his leave, Fu Xuan will be his acting general for a while. There will be a temple build exclusively for the said holy species. It was a grand, majestic temple that only exist in Luofu--and now has become a major tourist attraction. Most of the attendants are foxian of course, but there are also normal long life species working there. And just like the father, the famous foxian child of the general is also like to skip work. His wife already scold him several times about it, but it seems like an apple never falls down far from the tree i guess..., the holy priestess somehow always found a way to sneak out of the temple and hide somewhere to play with general's favorite lion, Mimi. But one thing for certain, Jing Yuan's beloved child is already using one of the tails to extend his lifespan, so he can be there longer for his family.

[mallowmaenad]

baedel flow

this shit ain't nothin to me girl

i'm taking DIY alstolfo brand temu titty skittles. I got so much prog up my ass my dildo has erectile dysfunction. I'm injecting estrogen straight into my face so I can force fem the cop in my brain.

I'm problematic. I ship things you can't imagine. The judge read my Archive Of Our Own bookmarks out loud and the jury were too busy throwing up to give me a guilty verdict.

I smoke shit so dank it'll age regress you into a fucking sperm.

I'm on that greymarket back alley bimbo goo. I'm doing deviantart shit to my body just to look myself in the mirror when I shave in the morning.

Your sister LOVES my milk duds. You never had a brother, she calls me mommy with a 2 year age difference.

I'm putting lead and estrogen in my haters' cereal so I can make some toxic yuri, get them moaning in their boyvoices 6 months later behind the Warhammer store like I'm fucking Slaanesh.

They/them me again and I'll run a used Manscaped Lawnmower across your face until you look like a fucking newborn

I show up to Planned Parenthood just to stand there and watch the abortions, licking my lips between sips of Strawberry Dreams mixed with pure thailander gamer girl sweat.

When I'm done with you you'll never want to go to the pool shirtless again bitch

I'm on those quadruple puppygirlboygirl anarchist homebrew estrogen patches, taking so much spiro that Big Pharma is wiping down fire hydrants in my area to make Premarin with the residue.

The only thing Harkness is testing is my fucking patience and I'm about to turn him into another one of my little sisters

I'm smoking that bocchi the rock giving myself middle school anxiety so intense it erases my male socialization

They wanted to write a callout post about me so I fucked their moms, and their dogs and the playstation 5 just for good measure, now if they don't call me auntie they're grounded from role playing My Hero Academia characters on discord for 2 weeks.

You wish I'd make you my bitch. By the time you re-align your pronouns you'll be bottoming for a fucking stuffed shark posting about your Amazon Basics skirt on reddit

They call me the egg cracker because I bust so many fucking balls

I radiate so much AGP my nickname at the local pride center is elephant's foot. I give Kaitlyn Jenner so much gender envy it's got her considering voting blue in the next election.

Yeah I'm on E, what the fuck else am I gonna trip on when I drive to the pharmacy blasting SewerSlvt so loud youtube is recommending video essays to every single person in the tri state area.

Christine Chandler wishes she was me. Contrapoints wishes she was me. Aphrodite desires me carnally. They can't handle the divine feminine energy radiating from my unwashed hen cause they gotta go through the Hero's Journey just to get a face full of baby butter that tastes like expired anchovies.

Tonight girl my chosen name is Bridget because I'm going to go to town inside you. Your hole's gonna be more ruined than Thanksgiving dinner when I show up in a slutty little number watching my cousin the same age as me lose another inch of his hairline.

I'm sucking on that neocities watamote siscon shadow siren hard candy getting affected like a male feminist just heard me say the word bitch a little too loud for his liking. My Celeste speedruns have never been faster.

Fuck around and find out keep talking shit and my final fantasy 14 plugins won't be the only thing I'll be reprogramming tonight

[prime-adeptus]

AND OUR LOVE IS A GHOST – HANZO SHIMADA X READER

Hanzo faces another ghost from his past.

CONTENT.⠀gender-neutral reader. angst. hanzo and reader are exes. unhappy reunions.

NOTES.⠀part of an Overwatch ficlet collection I've started on ao3 :) this one's dedicated to @kakujis, the Older Brother Character enjoyer <3 I couldn't let us teehee over him too much so here's some angst to balance it out

Hanzo has faced more than his fair share of trials and tribulations in his life.

Those, however, pale in comparison to where he stands now—injured on the doorstep of someone he had selfishly abandoned years ago. It hurts his pride that he was even in this position. He knows he’s damn good with a bow and arrow. He spent years honing his skill, doing everything he could to take back the honour he lost. But it wasn’t enough to fight against a machine.

Though he could treat his injuries himself (he always does; when you are alone, all you have to turn to is yourself), these are too much for him to deal with by his lonesome. He’s not sure what hurts more. The cuts and bruises steadily marking up the skin of his torso or the emotionless stare you’re giving him. He deserves it, he supposes. He’d left you behind without so much of a letter, gone under the radar and never contacted you again. At the time he thought it was for the best. Without anything left to his name, having been stripped of all he had, he didn’t deem himself worthy of you. He was too caught up in his hurt and completely disregarded you, the one who loved him, cared for him—

“Whatever you’re thinking about, stop it,” you speak up, tone laced with impatience and remnants of anger. “Just come in.”

Hanzo tries not to wince as he follows you inside your home. It’s different from what he remembers—it feels… bleak, barely lived in. He doesn’t have the time to mull over what he’d done to you when you’re pulling him by the sleeve and urging him to sit down. He’s left by himself for a few moments as you disappear into a room before reemerging with a sleek glove in your hand.

You don’t say a word as your hand presses against his chest, a faint white-yellow glow emerging from the glove as pleasant tingles surge through his system. Without knowing it, he closes his eyes and lets himself succumb to relief, his pain and tension leaving his body with each touch.

“A friend of mine gave this to me when he visited.”

The mention of this friend has his eyes snapping open. There’s something akin to irritation—envy—stirring in his chest, but he begrudgingly lets it go. After all, what right does he have to feel possessive of you?

“I’ve been volunteering at the hospital as a nurse. They’ve been understaffed since the last Null Sector invasion.” You’re not even looking at him as you talk, instead focusing on treating him. After a glance at the holopad by your side, you withdraw and step back from him. “What are you doing here?”

“I…”

“There’s nothing for you here, Hanzo.”

His heart sinks. It constantly dawns on him how no apology will ever make up for how he left you—he’d taken a piece of your heart and broken it beyond repair.

“Instinct,” he finally says. “My heart led me here.”

You roll your eyes, an exasperated scoff leaving your lips. “Five years late?”

He knows you don’t owe him forgiveness. Hell, he knows he doesn’t deserve it. Still, seeing what used to be love in your eyes turn into resentment hurts him more than any blade ever could. The walls you’d let down for him were built back up, stronger than before, and there’s no way he can possibly get through.

“You’re still living here after Null Sector’s invasion?”

“Some of us can’t just leave things behind to go on our own,” comes your response, quick and snappy. You sigh, your tense features softening just the slightest. “I have friends and family here. I have to help where I can.”

“I… am sorry. I hope they are safe.”

“Sorry enough to help?”

Your words are hauntingly familiar, reminding him of yet another loved one he failed—the young shrine maiden who’s turned to a life of vigilantism to do what he couldn’t. He bites on the inside of his cheek, his eyes downcast. For a man who’s spent years with the most beautiful of words, all of them are lost to him under your glare. Guilt, regret, sorrow—feelings that are even more familiar swirl in his chest, drags him into the depths of the dark.

“I’ll let you stay. It’s late.” You sniffle, and his heart sinks. “But I want you gone by the morning. I don’t care where you go, just… don’t come back.” Then, in a barely audible whisper, you continue, “Please.”

All he can do is watch as you disappear into a silhouette walking down the corridor, leaving behind nothing but faint sobs in your wake. How many tears have you shed because of him? How dare he expect your forgiveness when he has done nothing to earn it? Your agreeing to help him had already been unexpected—miraculous—enough. A selfish part of him wonders if he can ever make it up to you, take away your hurt by being a better man for you.

Hanzo no longer dreams. There is nothing to wish for, nothing he will ever get back. But for you, he dreams that you’ll find it in your heart to look at him the same way you used to again. He’ll do anything to make amends and treat you better if you consider him deserving of a second chance.

For now, he’ll do as you wish and leave just like he did all those years ago. He can’t bear hurting you anymore.

[gin-juice-tonic]

Hey Gin this might be a silly thing to ask, but how did you realize you were trans? Cause ever since I saw your trans Stan and Ford I think I had some sort of relivation, it started with just really enjoying the art you drew to me feeling some sort of envy. Either that I want to dress more masculine or that I actually want to be a man, cause honestly when I look at your trans stans I just feel so much gender envy (jealousy?) And on my last period I had a whole crying fit over it starting, which has never happened before. I just don't know if this is actually what I'm feeling or if it isn't. I've had thoughts of telling my mom and fearing the consequence. This is just all so new and I'm honestly scared. I figured I'd ask you since I look up to you and from what I've seen you are quite wise. I don't really know why I have so much self doubt and constantly flip flop over things. It's frustrating, I just wish I could be certain about something for once. Sorry about this, I'm a mess really.

It’s not silly to ask. My answer is unfortunately a little silly, because I’m a goober. I also typed A LOT so its all going under a read more

So, I was 16 and on tumblr even more than I am now, and I was (still am) friends with a trans woman who reblogged a post that was like “Just trans girl things: eating dark chocolate because it has substances similar to estrogen” and I went “Haha i guess I should stop eating it.” followed by “…why do I feel that way” and THAT was followed by quite the crisis.

Trans men weren’t as well known about back then, so I was like “Well, it means nothing, since only women can be trans”. And then I found out men could be trans too and that pushed my crisis further along. And I started to think. About how I liked when people defaulted to male pronouns for me on the internet, or how when i was a kid I would use a crazy amount of shampoo to make my hair look short and flatten my chest in front of the mirror and look at it. Things like that. And I got upset because “no i can’t be trans that’s impossible”. I would google things like “how do you know if you’re trans”, “quiz to see if you’re trans”, ect.

But the idea of being seen as a man was exciting. It was tantalizingly exciting. And I knew it could be possibility for me someday, and I knew that made a part of me happy and I couldn’t un-know it.

Final straw was a nonbinary person I had been following made a post about how they were going to start taking testosterone. And instead of feeling happy for them I just got mad and started sobbing to myself. Because I was so extremely jealous. So jealousy absolutely has its place in figuring things out.

You should think. Think about attaining the things you’re envious about. Does this make you happy? It’s okay if it’s upsetting or scary at the same time. Change often is. But if it makes you happy, excites you, gives you hope for the future, it’s worth thinking more about.

-

You don’t have to jump into telling your mom right away (and I wouldn’t really recommend it till you’re a little more sure of yourself). You can go at whatever pace you want to. I didn’t tell my mom (or anyone in my real life at all) till I was like, 20. And I’d known for 4 years at that point. You’ve sent me a tumblr message, so I’m assuming you’ve got an account here. I’d say asking your friends on this website to address you as male would be a good way to ease into things. And you can see if you like that or not.

For how you dress, again, you can ease into it. Personally it made me happy to dress in athletic clothing (especially tank tops- to show off my non existent guns), or to dress like a greaser (Though I preferred a black t shirt to a white one), or a golfer. None of those things particularly scream ‘man’ but they were man enough to me. You can find things man enough for you. If you want to try out a binder and think you can get one without anyone noticing, my first ever one was a Tri-top from Underworks. They’re like $30 or so. I was able to get away with buying it because I was a cosplay nerd so I just said it was for that.

If you’re the type of person who owns makeup- you could try to find some time alone just to have an experiment of mimicking drag king makeup, or makeup for cosplayers doing male characters. I did that once early on, and while it looked admittedly goofy, it made me ecstatic at the time.

-

Er sorry for things getting so long. But I just want to say lastly that self doubt is both normal and okay. And thinking far in the future (ie- things like coming out to people or hormones or anything like that) might scare you. But you can take things one step at a time if you want to. Play with just looking at clothes, making outfits on pinterest or whatever, imagining scenarios where people address you as male, thinking of names you might like. See what makes you happy, and expand on the things that do from there.

And regardless of what you discover, in the end you will have learned more about yourself. And that's always a good thing.

[not-poignant]

hola pia

in underline the red would you say that faber has a subdrop after sleeping with caleb? i remember you reblogging a post about..oh how did it go..“in-universe“ and „out-universe“ in regards to bdsm? how some characters are practicing bdsm as it is and others do those things without it being spelled out bdsm? think you mentioned your stardew valley fic. anyway back to udr, caleb and faber did play fast and loose (pun so intended). faber gives off more submissive vibes than some other characters. then faber woke up and was tearing up/seemed brittle? or was that because of caleb negging him and making his omega envy worse? your excerpt the other day actually made me go reread utr, and the luuk statement got me super excited so 🤓 ya ok have a great day!

Hi anon!

I wouldn't personally say he had subdrop because I tend to be very particular about how I apply that term to things. There are a lot of reasons someone can crash after intense sex, and it doesn't have to have anything to do with subdrop! Sometimes people see a character being vulnerable or insecure in the bedroom and assume that's 'submissive vibes' and while Faber will head in that direction, a lot of submissives can actually be confident (even arrogant), and very secure in how they offer up their vulnerability, with a clear idea of who is worth that and who is not. I would say his submissive vibes are mostly that he's insecure and vulnerable, and wants to bottom.

Everyone has different definitions with this stuff and most people use subdrop a lot more broadly than I do! So if you want to think about it as subdrop you absolutely can, and he's gonna be submissive one day (I think...) so yeah, submissive vibes :D

A lot of Faber's angst was honestly around secondary gender stuff. Around wanting to be an omega and being constantly reminded he wasn't one (i.e. the negging). Around feeling like he's in the wrong body and suddenly realising in a very concrete way that it's influencing his life and he's been trying not to look at it, until Caleb made him.

He has a breakdown as well because he realises he's extremely into Caleb, possibly even in love with him, and automatically rules out the relationship because he's not an omega. That to him creates an intense and upsetting internal conflict that he carries with him for years, and causes an overwhelming amount of self-disregard and even self-hatred. He even has it in Underline the Black still.

And yeah unfortunately aftercare doesn't fix that. That's just plain old giant personal problems, that will take a long time to resolve!

[befemininenow]

The lucky 7 with over 1000+

About a year ago, I made my very first caption and since that first post, my blog has grown to over 400+ unique captions and more than thousands of likes and reblogs. With the low amounts of traffic that Tumblr has compared to other competing sites, I've never would have thought I would reach that level without your support. Yet, here I am, giving you guys and girls an occasional post.

Some of my older posts have been gaining traction for the past few weeks. Whether it's a reblog from me or from another fellow blog, it's a great feeling when I see a "forgotten" caption gain a renew of interest. But it feels even more unbelievable when a caption reaches a level you never thought was possible.

That being said, here are a few captions that have amassed over 1000+ likes and reblogs that I would like to share with you. Enjoy the post!

Number 7: Inspiring trans girls since forever

With over 1023+ likes and reblogs, this is a collection of pictures from transgender women who have been an influence for us. Some are well-known influencers and celebrities like Remi Richards and Kim Petras, others are occasional internet posters like Mikaela Ville and Michelle Alter, and some want to live normal like Ella Page. This collection is undeniably my favorite because they display actual trans women, hormones or not, and have been a few of my inspirations from growing up to right now.

Number 6: Remembering your first

My very first caption is from a well known drawing of a girl embracing her feminine side. It's a feel of ecstatic energy when you see your true self so happy looking back at you for the first time. With around 1,123+ likes and reblogs, it really resonates with a lot of people who love their femininity.

Number 5: Coming out the first time

With around 1,190+ likes and reblogs, this caption speaks volumes of how we react to our coming out. Due to current social stigma, many cisgender people often lump trans women as sissies, crossdressers, traps, and other unflattering names and slurs. The only thing we can do is to keep our heads up and walk out with grace. It's best to ignore with bigots like those, but it's also wise to keep an eye out.

Number 4: Desires

At around 1250+ likes and reblogs, this post surprised me the most! Although it was popular when I first uploaded it, it really didn't spike until recent reblogs were made! It seems that a lot of you also have a bit of gender envy, haha! But can I blame you? She's such a babe, it would be so much better being her than dating her, especially the nice rewards she will get on a nights' out. ;)

Number 3: Your fate is in those pills

*Note: This caption has since been flagged by Tumblr as "Mature". If you would like to see this caption, please set your filters to view this caption.

Bronze prize is the HRT post. At 1,279+ posts and reblogs, it's the third most popular post in my blog. This one was one of my first posts as you can tell by the font and the color scheme of the main caption. I'll be honest: I'm not really fond of it as I used to since it seems a little "sexualizing". To be fair, it was inspired by a caption I saw in an old "feminization hypnosis" video that is now gone. Still, that doesn't mean I fully regret making this caption as it gave me more motivation to improve my caption skills. I also remade this caption into a bunch of segments. If you like to check the remake, click on the link below:

Number 2: Simplicity is sexy

At exactly 1,350+ likes and reblogs, this caption takes the silver prize! It's incredible because this is one of several captions that resonated with a lot of you! I'm lowkey, happy that we have something in common.

I can't deny it is a sexy way of embracing femininity. All one needs is a pair of black leggings and a white tank top to appeal even the most normal of guys. Meanwhile, the women would definitely feel a sense of jealousy based on how a simple outfit compliments those curves of yours. Bonus if you have long black hair, but any haircut and hair color would do. Give this outfit a try and I'll guarantee you will feel so euphoric. I know from experience ;)

But as sexy as this caption is, this one was only a few numbers away from the crown, or tiara if you like being a princess. Before I unveil the ultimate winner, I want to share an honorable mention that may ring a bell for you:

Honorable mention: Once a boy, always a girl.

This one is less popular than the previous entries as it only has around 708+ likes and reblogs. So why is it ahead of the other one? Because the caption was reposted by a fellow blog with better exposure. In fact, I actually reblogged that post as a way of saying thanks. With the way blogs come and go, I don't really mind if my work gets reposted on several blogs. It's just a way of preserving a legacy if a blog disappears one day. Oh, and combining that repost with my upload, this caption has over 2,222 likes and reblogs!

Number 1: Coming out divine

If 3rd place questioned your decision, and 2nd place answered that affirmation, then 1st place is definitely well into your change. With over 1,367+ likes and reblogs, it is by far my most popular creation! This one was very difficult to make as it required a lot of editing from the original video, as well as making the GIF without a lot of slowdown. The end result came out better than I thought. A major plus what that it was a Vine video, which lasted less than 7 seconds. However, I am not planning on remaking this GIF for three reasons: I lost the original and edited files, it was a PITA to make, and I would rather not mess with finished perfection. If anything, I would just make the GIF bigger than it is.

You can take a guess why it's so popular. From her hot body, her sexy outfit, nice curves, and the way she sways and moves, she is goals! I definitely had gender envy and gender crush at the same time! Did I want to be her or to date her? To quote a period-correct meme, why not both? Btw, the woman in the GIF is... well, all I can say is she is one of Justin Bieber's exes and subsequently had minor hit song back a few years ago.

Here's to a complete year full of captions and shares! Thank you so much to all of you!

[ruvviks]

– OC TAG GAME.

TAGGED BY: @aragorngf, @devilbrakers & @aartyom, thank you so much!! TAGGING: @reaperkiller, @faarkas, @morvaris, @cultistbase, @swordcoasts, @katsigian, @ncytiri, @adelaidedrubman, @henbased, @strafethesesinners, @shellibisshe, @dickytwister and YOU! – picrew director's commentary: did this one without including ocs from original stories because those guys go waaayyy back LMAO so i'm only including (semi) familiar faces here :D

– FAVORITE OC.

vitali dobrynin [cp2077]

alright fine you got me i KNOW vincent is the main character but this cunt has bewitched me body and soul officially now. sexy as hell in both the past and the present, gives me gender envy on a daily basis, i need to study him in a petri dish i need to wrap him in a blanket i need to pick him apart like a little lego figure i need to bend him over the nearest surface. do you understand me. he is fucking everything to me

– NEWEST OC.

kitty bennett [cp2077]

i create new guys so often but i think she's the newest one! kitty is reid's older sister and she recently FINALLY divorced her piece of shit husband and now she's showing her face in night city again to bother the shit out of her younger brother :^) she's got twins and they're taller than their uncle at the fresh age of 11 and that will forever be hilarious to me. i'm still spinning more ideas around for her but she's also very tall that's one thing i know

– OLDEST OC.

rafael rodriguez [jc3]

i don't actually know if he's my oldest oc of all of them but i feel like he is?? very self indulgent one because there's no fandom here but i loved the game so i made a little guy for it :^) most tired little man in all of medici and he hasn't changed all that much since i created him i just made him More tired over the years. someone please let him take a nap he's been awake for three consecutive days now

– MEANEST OC.

michele diaz [cp2077]

the baddest bitch out there in my honest opinion but also all she's ever done is constantly manipulate everyone around her so. hee hee!! she will make you feel so so safe around her until she doesn't need you anymore and then she tears you apart and you'll end up in shambles for the rest of your life. if she even lets you live in the first place. so yeas definitely not one of my nicest ocs i shan't lie!! cold and ruthless and likes ordering people around and doesn't care about the consequences of her actions. turned into a monster by militech and now she's constantly showing everyone her teeth but what can you do other than play the cards you've been given

– SOFTEST OC.

luna serratos [cp2077]

this one was difficult because a lot of my ocs have a very big soft side but i think luna is one of the few of them who's actually like. more than 95% soft. mostly because of the fact they're not a mercenary of some sort like most of my cyberpunk ocs LMAO luna is the one who patches everyone up after the gig is done and they're always so gentle with those around them even if they're complete strangers. that's how she met cassidy and by definition the rest of the gang too :^) throughout the entire story she remains a constant in everyone's life and despite all the horrible things that happen, not at any point does luna turn to the mercenary life themself. they have this very strong belief that they can make themself the most useful as a medic and as a friend, not as a fighter or an enemy

– MOST ALOOF/STANDOFFISH OC.

nathan dixon [tew]

man who will just stand there and autism stare at you until you start talking to him. and then he continues to do that actually he just occasionally says some words back (if you're lucky). he's mostly just distant because a lot of people have hurt him in the past so he doesn't warm up to others well or quickly, and he tries to look at everything very objectively so a lot of people would think he just doesn't care. which is honestly true a lot of the time actually. elevator music playing in his brain on loop

– DUMBEST (AFFECTIONATE) OC.

aubrey valentine [cp2077]

where the fuck do i even begin mein fucking gott aubrey. he's so. <3 like genuinely he is in fact very intelligent and capable he's running a fixer business and a club right now with the same kind of job guarantee + safety levels as vitali's business so he's got it all!! but he's also just dumb as bricks!!!! his siblings (three sisters and a trans brother) have successfully managed to convince him he will get his period at some point in his life. any day now aubrey. he eats crayons. sand. anything really he's eaten glass before (the counter is on five. he's still alive somehow. don't ask) and he'll do it again. will confidently use a random word in a sentence believing he's used it right but by god he is not right. he can drive but he also can't drive but he also can't not drive. he doesn't know what a horse is

– SMARTEST OC.

vatha nefiti [d&d]

this one was very difficult because vatha is in a party with artyom (nuclear artificer), lorelei (chronomancy wizard) and sascha (cthulhu warlock) but i think she (cryogenetics sorcerer) can be considered the smartest because she's got like. Everything. the high wisdom high intelligence high charisma kind of stat combination. they love reading books and learning things about the places they visit and have all this information stored in their memories but at the same time she also knows a LOT about surviving and living on the road, and she's usually the one to handle business with people they help. beacon of knowledge but also very passive in it, they're not someone who would rub it in your face but the party knows that if they need any sort of information, ask vatha LMAO

– OC YOU'D BE BEST FRIENDS WITH IRL.

reuben de la rosa [cp2077]

the sweetest little guy ever to exist he would be SUCH a nice friend to have. excited about basically everything, gives great hugs, always has Something to talk about and he will include you in Everything so you'll never ever feel left out or lonely basically. i wouldn't let him cook for me though he exploded an egg in the microwave once 🥚🤯

[zerodaryls]

For the ask game! 16, 37 and 43

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

yeah usually like cussing out my toxic family members but then i didn't because i realized it was healthier and more effective to just cut them off entirely <3 i could have verbally destroyed my stepdad with a single sentence but i am actually better than he is so instead i just don't talk to him at all lmao

37. favourite actor/actress

idk if i have one, because usually my favorite actors are just whoever play the blorbos of whatever series i'm currently fixated on, so it varies from time to time. and even then i wouldn't say they're favorites because i just like their characters, not necessarily them as a person (side-eyes d*rk and dw*ght) lmao.

hmm, in honor of the origin of my url i'm gonna say Bill Pullman.

he's just so iconic and i'm always happy to see him on screen and he gives me a whole heckin' lot of gender envy lol i have literally taken photos of him to a salon and been like GIMME THE HAIR (he has had the same goddamn hair style his entire career, i dare you to find a photo of him where his hair isn't this same basic style lol like it varies in length but it's always the same cut and i LOVE it)

he's in like. so many of my favorite movies. Zero Effect (blog url inspo), While You Were Sleeping (fave romcom), Brain Dead (fave psychological/existential horror movie), Independence Day (...one of my fave sci-fi/alien movies), Spaceballs (...I wouldn't actually call this a favorite movie of mine tbh but like it's so fucking iconic I can't not mention it), AND there's this super cringe scene in Mr. Wrong (terrifying movie, it's billed as a comedy but it's legit a horror film to me lmao, do not recommend) where he sings Hold The Line by Toto (my favorite band) really badly and it's just. So iconic. almost ruined the song for me. almost. (no one can ruin Toto for me. 'tis not possible.)

43. favourite song ever

oh come on you can't do that to me, i can't pick a fave song ever, that's not a thing, i don't know how to do that :')

but as i mentioned Toto... it's gonna be one of theirs, lol. i can't even choose one goddammit i'll do a top three (stRUGGLING EVEN TO DO THAT... THE 'TISM CANNOT CHOOSE)

gonna put Rosanna first because it's the first song I remember rocking out to when i was like 3 years old in my car seat and telling my dad to turn up the car radio

next up Can't Stand It Any Longer because EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS PERFECTION, from Joe Williams' vocals to the melody to the beat to the ALL THE MUSIC TERMS I'M NOT EDUCATED ENOUGH TO COMMENT ON IN DETAIL hskjdfhkjsdhfdjksf

aaand as much as it pains me to only choose one more i'll go with one from the Isolation album so you can hear another vocalist (the amount of vocalists this band has had... and they're all so talented in their own ways and GAWWWWWWD I LOVE THIS FUCKIN BAND SO MUCH I'M GONNA SCREAM),, anyway here's Endless:

i could literally talk about Toto all day so i'm gonna have to cut myself off here before this becomes an infodump lmao

............actually i'm gonna put one last song because it came up in the recommended sidebar and Joe is fucking adorable in this video and gives me a lot of gender envy and YES THAT'S PAULA ABDUL DANCING,, WHY WASN'T THIS ONE OF THEIR BIGGEST HITS I DON'T UNDERSTAND

....a..and... um... listen i hate listing 4 things because that doesn't feel rounded out so here's one more to make it a nice rounded 5,, featuring Steve Lukather as a BABY (okay he's like 21 but he looks like a baby) and because I can't list a bunch of Toto songs and not feature any from their 70s era:

i need those rainbow suspenders.

...okay sorry sorry i was entirely possessed by my autism for a minute there 😅 thus concludes the post. thanks for the asks and for opening up my big chaotic box of obsession lol.

[cherry-velvet-skies]

It's time for more Beatle Era Ratings! (I fixed the title 😌)

Episode 3: Johnny Boy 🥰

Moon Dog (Pre-Beatles Era)

Teddy Boy John somehow looks older than when John was actually older

He gives the vibe of a teenage boy who dresses to look older in order to get into an adult rated movie lmao

Formed a band and felt like the coolest guy in the world (and you know what he unknowingly created one of the greatest bands in the world so he's allowed to feel that way)

6/10 because he looks great but the look is not really for me

Twist and Shout (1962-63)

And just like I thought, he looks younger here than the previous era

John Lennon if he were an android in Detroit Become Human

He looks so uncomfortable dressed like this PLEASE 😂 someone help him

4.5/10 and I know the second they walked off stage he would rip this jacket right off lmao

Cuddle Bug (1964-66)

One of John's best eras and that's a fact

He's so friend-shaped I'm gonna cry

This haircut suited him so well and gave him an all-around adorable vibe

100/10 and I have a personal vendetta against anyone who ever made him feel bad about his appearance 😤

Blue Meanie Defender 3000 (1967)

If you ever wanna know what the people in the late 60s who experimented with any drug they could find looked like, just picture this mf

Bro saw God at some point and God was a walrus apparently

But this was when he actually got glasses instead of just being fucking blind all the time so I guess that's good

7/10 although I can't tell if being around him when he's high would've been nonstop laughs or literal hell on earth

AnD nOw YoUr hOsTs fOr tHiS eVeNinG (1968-69)

An absolute gremlin of a man

But I mean if I was in his shoes I would just randomly scream for no reason too so I get it

If Get Back taught us anything it was that mans hardly showered

6.5/10 the vibes are hella confusing but not terrible. Sense of humor was off the charts though

Bigger Than Jesus (1970)

So far John's Jesus era was the fanciest

The fur coat and wool cap are giving Bratz doll

Speaking of Bratz dolls John would've loved early 2000s fashion I JUST KNOW IT

9/10 he would've worn Juicy tracksuits religiously and ate us all up

I Sleep Well, Thanks (1971-72)

Exhausted dude at his office job who just wants to go home and get high

You know what scratch that he shows up high and has the nerve to act surprised when he can barely function

Survives purely off of spite

6.5/10 he wants to cause problems on purpose

I Am the Egg Man (1973)

I'm not even sure I have the certification to comment on this

Seeing John almost bald feels sacrilegious

He looks like one of those unhinged yoga instructors

2/10 I am very uncomfortable with the energy we've created in the studio today

Freelance Artist (1974-77)

In his academia era

His aura feels like one of those people who you go to their apartment and it's full of giant canvases with art that deserves way more recognition

That Elvis pin is iconic

10/10 and this entire photoshoot is honestly so beautiful I wish I could've included all the photos

Sexy Valet Driver (1978-79)

I absolutely adore the tie and waistcoat combo

It gives me an immense level of gender envy, and John is not immune to that lol I wanna look the way he does in this photo so bad

He looks both cute and handsome but I can't decide which one tips the balance

20/10 if I saw him dressed like this I would definitely compliment him (and maybe ask him out if I was feeling brave 🤭)

Eccentrically Reserved Fashion Designer (1980-∞)

Are we gonna pretend that he didn't look absolutely GLORIOUS this year

I think I have to say this one is a dilf era because oh my god

I secretly think John would've been a great fashion designer idk he seems like he has the correct amount of insanity to pull it off

542/10 and it's a shame we never got to see how he would've evolved physically, and even personality-wise, as the years went on. I feel like he would've been a better person as he got older and I wish we would've gotten to see it 🥺💕

[sentientgopro]

Hey y'all, not exactly active on here, especially when talking about myself, but I really need to get some shit off my chest right now. I had a couple realisations yesterday that culminated in some shit I never thought I would be saying or thinking.

I never thought I could be anything but straight. I liked women, so I mustve been straight. Im definately an advocate for everyone giving their gender true consideration, even when most will come out the other side cis, and confidently so, as did I.

Then I realised I didn't like women in the way most straight guys do. Afer clearing up some prior misconceptions about Aromanticism and asexuality, I realised those two labels fit me perfectly. But sometimes I wonder why I still feel a certain way about girls. There's just something about the way they look that's appealing to me, even if I dont find girls attractive...

Oh shit. That wasn't attraction. That was envy.

So that train of thought kind of went from 0 to 10 real fucking fast. This realisation brought to my attention feelings that Ive had for a good while, but have passed off as r/196 induced brainrot. Besides, and this is the biggest thing that stopped me realising this earlier, I dont feel that who I am now is wrong. I look in the mirror, and I see myself. But I've only recently kinda grasped the concept that being trans isn't all about dysphoria, having dysphoria is not always the way to tell. Although I dont think being a man is wrong, fucking hell, being a girl would be much better. And it feels so fucking weird actually typing that.

But what I'm saying is, atleast for the time being, I could manage to just not do anything. Which is for the better seeing as my parents would start screaming at me for saying anything remotely in the direction of being an ally. And I live on TERF Island. Transitioning would be an absolute pain in the ass, especially right now, so it kinda feels like why bother when the way I am doesnt really feel wrong. Transitioning could be quite dangerous and have big risks, it kinda just feels like I dont need that shit in my life, Im already running on fumes and a list of people I need to outlive. I usually hold a mindset of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", but this usually applies to binary things, like if my team wins using the same strat a few times in a row in CS, "Do it again, ain't broke, don't fix", but this is not nearly as binary as that, this isn't a win/loss.

Something that is both comforting and a little concerning is that no matter what, there is atleast a 2 year hold on this. I should be able to go to uni after that and start living my own life, but as of right now, doing something like transitioning is NOT an option. Ive got a 2 year long planning phase and Ive kinda just been taking stock tbh. I don't think "that" period of my life hit too hard, Im still skinny (Yeah, ik skinny =/= feminine but its better than being buff imo) kinda fuckin tall, if my growth follows the same as my brother did which it is so far Im gonna be like 6'3 by the end of that 2 years (6'1 now) so thats probably gonna be more of a mild annoyance than a genuine problem. My voice varies ALOT, I can have a pretty damn low voice, and a bit of a higher pitch, it naturally varies, I normally find I talk in a higher pitch when I'm happier and lower when Im trying to appear more... normal? idk, theres probably somrthing to think about in that.

Honestly idk, theres no real end point to this, I just wanted to talk about this somewhere. As much as I never saw myself being in this position, I use r/196, play ULTRAKILL, and Study Computer Science and want to continue it as a career path, cmon, it was only ever a matter of time, this was inevitable.

[jinx-blackout-84]

hi jinx!! for the ask game, 12, 34, 38, and 68 :D

12: yep, pretty consistently. My insomnia gets really bad during my depressive episodes and I recently had a pretty bad one for about 8 months which is why I wasn't on Tumblr for a long time, but making my goodnight posts is a way to cope with that and try to recover. I can't make a goodnight post if I don't sleep, and I like making them bc they make ppl happy!

34: okay so I'm assuming this is not about nightmares, because it said dreams, so here I go. Also I have a dream journal so this one's gonna be a long answer.

I was at a sleepover summer camp and it was the middle of summer. It was a church camp, more specifically, bc my mom is still trying to pray the gay away which is fun (she dosent even know I'm a boy yet just that I'm bi)

One notable thing about this camp is that I'm forced to go every year, so I spend most of my time at the concessions or the communal ping-pong area. It's got walls and a roof, but also is open air bevause the windows have no glass. It's my favorite place in the whole camp.

Because I am still (unfortunately) fem-presenting, people tend to assume I don't know what I'm doing. I look to be about 12, too if that helps paint the picture. (I am most definitely not 12, just VERY short for my age) which means that 16 or 17 year old guys will normally pity-play me if I ask nicely enough.

I am VERY good at ping-pong however, and would consider it to be a skill of mine (I've been forced to go to this camp for over 8 years now, and while my friends were going on icee dates, I was dominaring the ping-pong tournaments.) So I mostly hang around there bc it's fun to screw with the older douchebag Christian guys who think they're better than me because they own a tractor.

So anyways, the dream starts with me walking back from a Bible lesson. After Bible lessons, we get free time, so I make a beeline for the ping-pong area, which is called the Ping-Pong Palace.

I walk in and grab a pin-pong ball out of my bag, which is full of ping-pong balls because I steal them put of the ping-pong ball bowl when nobody is looking (you're supposed to pay 25 cents for them, but no way in hell am I giving money to a church camp)

I begin to scope out a target. I find an older guy (probably 17 or 18) with a mullet. Bingo. I watch him play his friend for the rest of their game, and afterwards walk up to him. I ask him if he would play me, to which he says yes. I toss him the ping pong ball. We're serving fives, three faulties. The nets are a little higher than usual, which had been his Achilles heel the whole game because he had a low serve.

I give him first serve. He looks bored, and before we start the game, I tell him not to go easy on me. He serves easy. I hit it back. We volley for a while as he becomes increasingly more panicked.

I go for the killshot. It goes off the edge and I celebrate. His next serve is a real serve that wpuld be hard to hit off of if I wasn't good at ping-pong. We continue like this for a while and I win by a lot, I can't remember the score. He leaves, going over to his friend and pointing at me.

I'm looking for a new target and I see them. They are the most gorgeous person I have ever seen. They are gender envy personified. Short cut-black hair, shaved on the sides and curly on top. Fairy prince cheekbones and dark blue eyes. Vampire pale and eyeliner with mascara making their eyes seem to take up their entire face. They're wearing a Marron hoodie and black sweatpants. Vans to go with it.

They walk over to me, holding a ping-pong paddle. They smile and ask me to play them. I asm what rules they want to play by and they smile at me "serving fives and three faulties, table end rule. No overhand one bounce"

I am shocked. Those are my rules. The same ones I always play by. How did they know my rules?

The game starts. Their skill outmatches mine, shocking me. I begin to lose. I start to notice that they look really familiar. I end up losing badly.

I congratulate them and inform them that nobody has beat me in ping-pong in a while.

"I know," they say.

I ask for their name. Their reply? My name. The name that will be my dead name someday.

"But you can call me Jinx." I woke up after that.

Some of this has much more detail that the dream did, but I wanted to write it fancy soooo...

38: No. I had a huge depressive episode for the better part of this year and it's just been a rough time. Things are looking up though, so we'll see about next year :)

68: my IRL friend (and lovely beta reader) we talked about morality and how trauma can affect people. And about if there are any people that are truly bad. I was pretty cynical about the last subject, whereas she was willing to extend more grace. It was a very interesting and intellectually stimulating conversation. Really enjoyed it.

[lawtistic]

pinned

remaking my pinned post because SOMEONE decided to start a massive argument on it thank you jesse

hi, i’m liam or L, you can use these interchangeably or use one i don’t mind

i’m an aroace gay transmasc who’s brain farms mental illness like it’s playing minecraft

with that being said, please use tone indicators around me, thank you !! (i have autism pls)

i was hyperfixated on death note and thats still mainly what my blog is about and i will post about it

im slightly more inactive now but im trying, im just mentally ill and forget tumblr exists :,)

im CURRENTLY hyperfixated on warrior cats and resident evil and im open to talking about those as well

my favorite characters are mello, bb, L, and light because theyre either hot or i like bullying them (death note wise)

my favorite characters from my current hyperfixation are whitestorm and claire redfield (but leon is the subject of my conversations WAY more often and what can i say, hes hot and he gives me gender envy lmao)

yes, im the one person who drew light in a bikini (and a wedding dress. and a crop top)

i have a shitton of tier lists i did that i will link here the minute i feel like doing that, that minute is not right now

i do art (that i never post), i write fanfiction (that i never post) i write video scripts (that i never post), i cant do math (i do post about that)

youre mostly gonna see me reblogging stuff or spouting shit at a noise decibel loud enough to rupture an eardrum

im in a number of fandoms including genshin impact (distancing myself, i havent played in like 3 weeks and have been avoiding media like crazy), animal crossing, obey me, tears of themis, and some more stuff i dont have the mental capability to paperclip right now

im wiccan !! as of me writing this imbolc is coming up like... tomorrow so i may or may not post about that but i try not to because i know not everyone likes it

here’s my links !!

https://archiveofourown.org/users/pngfanfic ao3 (that i dont have anything posted on)

https://liamthepng.carrd.co/ my carrd, it looks bad on mobile so i recommend looking at it on desktop

https://en.pronouns.page/@lace_png my pronouns page, so you know how to refer to me

i dont feel like linking my socials right this second but my insta is verylawtistic and my discord is lawtistic#7355

i dont recommend looking at my tiktok i post cringe on there and i dont post very often but it is... something ill reveal after i clean it up it’s a vile place honestly

very specific rule for anons is that you can say literally anything as long as it doesnt align with my triggers or dni list (found on my carrd). there’s three chances and if theyre all fucked up i’m turning anons off

id be a GIANT hypocrite if i said you cant send me dumb shit and you can absolutely do that i have the humor of a 3 year old just dont piss me off on purpose

i do post and tag appropriately so if you have a certain tag blocked they shouldn’t show up for you :]

[sunnysynthsunshine]

Poem for Pontypandy

(I decided to write this for the anniversary of the Fireman Sam series (which was November 17th), a show I've been revisiting and hyper fixating on, I couldn't get this finished for the day, so here it is now.)

There is a town in the welsh valley It’s quite quaint and quiet Most of the time There’s the town gossip running the corner shop Who’s sassy, always airing the dirty laundry She has a son who’s quite the mischievous Scamp, using the town’s pavement as his skateboard ramp As curious as a cat, tinkering and fumbling when told not to do so this can land him in danger The silly pratt Across the road there’s a cafe Owned by an Italian lady Her beaded necklace and decorative dress Shows such class, She gives her cat a drink The local bus driver gives her a wink His idea of flirting is dismissed without a think Nearby a lad with a pompadour works a cooker The pancake lands on his face instead of the plate silent breeze is replaced with a loud crackling, roaring blaze, Yelps and screams are overheard from the corner shop Where the local fire brigade make their next stop The sirens blare while the firefighters prepare With their hoses and BA gear seems severe rising from the windows Two tackled the inferno while one looked To see if anyone was stuck inside It was the prankster lad from before shaking like a scared lamb But he’ll be ok, he was saved by Fireman sam Flames were put out Dilys rambled and spout Sam got some ointment and a bandage To ease an injury Being able to confidently rush into Disasterous situations like that Would make most others jittery But not Sam Tan He’s full of bravery Whether he’s fighting flames Up in the mountains Sailing along the sea Only he and his team Can deal with the anarchy of Pontypandy I remember watching his adventures Countless times on tv While I was scared of fire His lessons sparked curiosity and perhaps some gender envy I initially brushed this off as Nostalgic, fond memories But years on as I reflect He was always there with me safety tips were kept in mind At the right times his classic to 2000s design Was quite pleasing to my eye When I think about what I find Attractive, I wonder why suspenders, redheads and slicked quiff hairstyles are such a common theme? I once had a dental surgery fear It made fire seem tame While waiting for the dreadful day I revisited that imaginary valley, those charming stop-motion puppets made me so happy Settling the anxiety Years after the recovery The little welsh guy who fights a blaze Has taught me to feel less afraid A comfort character can have so much power Like a rainbow during a rainy shower To be honest, his retro face makes me blush He was my first fictional crush Gives me such a euphoric rush His series has made such a global impact Young People and adults now know How to tackle dangerous scenarios Due to lessons from the episodes The series started during a time Of riots, havoc and paraffin heaters These friendly cartoon faces Got the 80s and 90s generation To persevere And make the world a bit safer 35 years on and he’s still going strong Driving Jupiter along, honking the horn The Pontypandy fire brigade have Been saving lives for decades With their man of the hour The hero next door Fireman Sam!

[aurimeanswind]

Letter #1: Hello Again, Little Blog

Hello again! If you’re reading this as someone who *only follows me on Tumblr* girl I bet this is gonna be a surprise huh. If not, and you know me from Irrational Passions, or Twitter, or Instagram or something, then welcome back to my little blog. I used to write here every week, a little diddy I called Sunday Chats, where I’d take some questions from Twitter, talk about stuff I was working on, and just flex the writing muscles. It’s been about six years since the last time I did that, which is kind of insane to write out and think about.

Anyway, I’m back, and hey, I’m a girl! That’s cool, right??? This first “letter” is going to be a lot about that, since today is my one year anniversary of starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT), so we’ll get to that. I’m changing up the format, these will be letters from me, written as such, but really they’re just blog posts. I’ll leave up my old chats for a while, but they may get archived at some point, just because I’m not really that person anymore. 

Anyway, preface aside, my name is Auri, and it’s nice to see you again. :)

—

Dear Friends,

Hello! From a new me. A new life. It’s kind of insane what can happen in a year, ya know? How much happier you can become, how much grief you can experience, how much your wardrobe can change!

I’ve missed writing, and writing to you in particular, so I hope you don’t mind a little self-indulgence. I have a lot to catch you up on, so it feels appropriate to write about it, to jot it down and get it in some more semi-permanent format. 

I often think about the question, “what does it mean to you, to be a woman,” as a trans person, and it’s a complicated question, because women are all things and also sometimes very specific things, like sisters, or mothers, or daughters. To me, it’s just who I am. It’s a piece of me that I buried deep down and tried to pretend like it was something I didn’t deserve, that I didn’t belong. It’s something that haunted me, that I thought about being everyday for years. I’d have dreams where I’d do mundane things, like go for walks, do the dishes, but I was a girl. I know this is something I’ve not really talked about online, and I wanted to change that. I wanted to share my experience here, because back in the day, talking about Depression or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome helped people who read here, who would reach out to me and say they appreciated how open I was about these things. Well, now I want to be open about being transgender, because it’s a huge part of who I am, it’s something I am earnestly proud of, and it’s maybe the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life.

So when did it start?

Those dreams, or things I’d dismissively call intrusive thoughts, had been with me since my early 20s. When I found out that cisgendered people don’t actually think about being the opposite gender all the time, I was actually pretty shocked. I thought, “oh well I’m sure there are tons of men that think about being a girl all the time,” and yeah, it turns out that isn’t true! And if you’re sitting here reading this and thinking, “wait… really?” well uh, hey! I’ve been there! And I won’t assume anything on your part just like I didn’t on my own, but I want you to know that it’s actually very good and healthy to explore that feeling, to dig deeper and ask yourself what that means to you. 

I didn’t do that for the longest time. It started with, “hey, I wish I could just be a girl for a day,” and I thought that everyday for years, and then it became a month, then a year, then a dream, then a wish. “God I wish I could be a girl, just because that’s what feels right to me.” I’d look at pictures of my friends, of people or celebrities I had a crush on and analyze their clothes, wishing I could wear things like that. Turns out this is a form of gender-envy, and was giving me gender dysphoria, which was a big contributor to the very same depression I’d write about in this blog years ago. A fog in my mind, a feeling like I am holding my breath everywhere I go. I would hate looking at myself in the mirror, even when I felt confident, or good. I hated being naked, or changing, and I hated myself, to be quite honest. 

So I finally started reflecting. I knew what it was, even if I buried it deep down. The time alone during the throes of 2020 led to a lot of self-reflection, and after dinner one night I asked my rock, my best friend of 20+ years and the best person in my life, Damien, if I could talk to him about something serious. I was so nervous, partly because I didn’t know what Damien would say, and partly because I didn’t know what I’d say! I remember taking him into my room, where I was most comfortable, and curling up in a ball on my couch, feeling the tightness in my chest, and holding so tight to my legs balled up to me, curled in fear of everything, of judgment, of the world. He ended up being more scared than me! Until I finally just said, for the first time ever out loud, “sometimes I think I was born as the wrong gender.”

The journey of self-discovery is a long one, and it all starts with one step. This was mine. After our talk I felt such a lift off my shoulders. It was December 2020, and it’d be years until I really let myself take the next step.

So what is the next step?

I talked to a psychiatrist, I talked to my specialist, and after a year of thinking about it, I finally made an appointment to see an endocrinologist, or a “hormone doctor,” as I have been calling them. I had to make an appointment three months out, which may be because there are a lot of trans folks out there, but also hormones are super important to everyone! Those 90 days were the longest of my life I feel. But I had the support of a small handful of friends behind me. My friend Alyssa was the second person I told, and she was just as warm and welcoming as Damien, allowing me to ask questions, to be myself, to explore what it was to be “she” instead of him. 

March 6th 2023. The day I saw my doctor and started my dose of estradiol (estrogen) and spironolactone (testosterone blocker). Just one year ago! I took a picture that day, and looking back on it, I sure do hate looking at it, along with most old pictures of me to be honest. But I knew when I took it that this would (hopefully) be the one I look back on and then look in the mirror and remind myself I made the right decision. And it is, I was right. 

Now for point of reference, here is a picture of me today:

In all fairness, I was at a particularly low point of my life, it’d be a few months still before I would even feel myself change and become the woman I was always meant to be. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and I still have years and years left of changes and breast growth and voice training and hair styling and… well, you get the idea. I’m no “trans-master” and I don’t want to give that impression. Everyday I still learn something new, and grow in ways I never knew I could. I love that.

So what happens next?

Next was some long months of doubt. Sometimes for trans folks, they know for sure, they’re counting the seconds until they can start the proper hormones their body has been craving. I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure until May of 2023, two months being on Hormones, and I was scared, and I just followed my heart.

This may seem “contrary to the trans experience” but I’ve found that the trans experience is very much a moving target. Everyone is different, and everyone has a different timeline in their head of what they think it should look like. I spent a lot of long months thinking I was “too old” to transition (not true) or that because I didn’t think about wearing dresses through my childhood I wasn’t “trans enough” (also, very untrue). I worried that because my dysphoria wasn’t at a certain level or because I didn’t know with absolute certainty that this was the path that I wasn’t really trans, I was faking it out of some identity crisis, which is dangerously close to a very dangerous narrative posited at trans people to discourage them. 

Sitting here, one full year into my physical transition, happiest I’ve ever been, realest I’ve ever felt, it seems pretty silly thinking about those things, doesn’t it? But I can’t overstate how scary it is to transition, to change your body in permanent ways, to take the leap of faith, with everything happening in our country, with ideas like “Project 2025” looming over our future like a specter. Right now, especially, it’s in your face, but reflecting on how invisible the struggles of trans rights were even before that gives you perspective, sometimes making it feel like it’s never a good time to transition, but really, it’s the best it has been depending on where you live, and that is a privilege, even if it’s also a nightmare just across a state border.

All these thoughts come from months of self-reflection, and the feeling still translates at times to “years of wasted time,” and I hate that, but I carry on regardless. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, my brain feels clear and solid and unified in a way it never has before, I’ve learned what confidence feels like, truly, for the first time. When I look in the mirror, I smile, because I love the girl looking back at me. I can’t, in any words, really communicate to you what that is like, what it’s like to look at yourself and feel uncomfortable, then look at yourself and feel a light, and joy, but I can tell you it’s incredible. 

So it’s been a whole year.

What’s next? Who knows! Some people might think about surgeries or procedures or things of that nature, and maybe, we’ll see. Right now I am focused on fixing my terrible financial situation, which is generally unrelated to my transition. Focus on my life outside of all of this. I told myself when I started, I wanted to just focus on this for a while, and it’s been a whole calendar year. And it feels incredible. I’ve learned that I’m always going to be focusing on this, on me, but I’m ready to juggle a few more plates. 

I have plans to make a safe place for trans people to hangout and chat, specifically in the gaming sphere. I want to put myself out there in a way that I haven’t before, and connect with queer folk in spaces I’ve told myself I don’t belong to for years and years. I want to make new friends and learn of the struggles of other folks, and be more than just an example, but an advocate for kindness and patience in the trans sphere. I want to spread my wings, I guess, and it feels so nice to have found and understand that.

What do I have to say in reflection? I have come back to the phrase, “I didn’t know life could feel this good.” I really didn’t. It’s not about “being a woman,” it’s about living your truth, a phrase I have particularly latched onto in the last couple of years. Being your authentic, true self. I used to carry all this anger in me, and it was a poisoned well that was all I had to drink from. A bitterness and jealousy that haunted me. I wanted to embrace a gentle kindness, and I feel like I pretended to be that person for years. I treated people poorly, I didn’t listen when I should have. Now, I can say confidently that I am living as that person I knew I was. I have embraced her, and told her it’s going to be okay, and we’ll get through this together. I can’t wait to keep being her.

So this is a promise, to return and write again, about these types of things, maybe finish talking about that first year and how it’s been, talk about grief and how I feel like I’ve only truly experienced it for the first time, how I’ve found new closeness and new distance with family, and many more things like that. 

Thanks for reading, if you did, and thanks for listening. I hope this helped you open your heart to a girl from Maryland who is grateful for you, and I hope you’ll come back again. Until then, stay positive, it gets better. <3

Love,

Auri

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 51 - So Far Away - 23 May 2023, 12:24am

i guess this is an 8 on the pain chart; it normally comes after i allow myself to present as the girl inside.

If you had asked me if I wanted to be a girl, even seven years ago, I'd probably have said that I wouldn't mind it (though, don't quote me on this, I don't know if I can trust my memories). I'd be more likely to say yes, just a couple of years ago, but, even now, I don't know if it's just me being me, or if it's something else, but I doubt how real my desire to be a girl is. I guess it's one of my defense mechanisms, which just got overwhelmed by the sheer femininity I was exposed to when I was with my partner, but I digress.

...

I imagined a different version of the ‘waking up as the opposite sex’ hypothetical.

What if you woke up next to a version of you that was of the opposite sex?

Gosh... I still remember the answer I had given for that hypothetical.

I'd joke around with her and ask about how things were like, where she came from. I'd ask if she had Mr Nazar for her science teacher (he's a large, bubbly man), when she was ten. I'd ask how life was like for her.

...

I don't know how I'd feel about it now.

I don't know her name, too. She never told me about it. But, wherever she is, I hope she's okay. I hope she's happy.

...

I have so much to say, but she's so far away.

...

cool song time

...

Also, I wrote this post because I've noticed how the strong feelings pertaining to girls has always been there since I was a kid, and, just yesterday, I... sorta went back to dressing up as her (i still don't look at myself, and it makes me feel male). It didn't exactly feel nice; still felt like a man in a dress. It doesn't change anything, even if it has, in my therapist's words, ‘called out to me three times in the past decade or so’.

...

Maybe I'm actually fine with being a man after all.

Maybe I'm not destined to be a girl, and... maybe that's okay.

I just miss her.

And I hate myself for it.

...

I hate myself for envying the fact that girls don't have a dick.

I hate myself for envying periods.

I hate myself for the strong feelings that I had towards girls (even if it was envy, or a desire to be like them, or be them).

I hate the rush I had when I knew when one of my classmate's first periods were. I hate how that rush came back when she talked about how she took a shower and the room filled up with so much steam that it caused her mother concern.

I hate the way I'd just... like how some of the girls in my class presented (I particularly liked how one girl presented herself, but I won't delve into it further).

I hate the way I'd stare at some girls' features and feel some form of weird happiness at it, but realize that I, as a guy, would never have them.

I hate how I had a rush while watching a video of a woman giving birth, back when my family still owned a tower desktop.

I hate how I spent my time wishing for female parts.

I hate how I wanted to be my partner.

I hate how I wanted to be treated the same way as her, only to get angry when it didn't feel exactly how I wanted it to feel (probably because I wasn't a girl). I knew she was treating me (a guy), as a girl, and, that didn't really feel nice.

I hate how she gives me urges in an orifice I don't yet have. But I guess I just hate myself and my male bits so much that I'm extrapolating this whole trans experience up so I can find a way to escape.

...

But I've had to cope with those wants. Those desires. They no longer weigh so heavily on my mind, and, I can, in isolation, almost forget about my gender. Even if I were to say that I am a guy, it'd only be because my body is that of one.

And because of this body, I won't ever be a girl. I will never be one. Ever. And I have to accept that.

She has always walked beside me, and I hate her for it.

If it's not me being trans, it's just me having an uncharacteristically strong interest in the entire female experience, and...

I am not a girl, in body. I won't ever be one. I won't feel what it's like to live as a cis girl. I won't get to do girl things in a cis girl's body.

if I'm not destined to be a girl...

I can at least see others get to be girls, and feel happy for them.

But I will hate myself for it. And eventually, I will begin to hate them too.

I am just a guy who wants to be something he's not.