Sometimes everyone dusts off or throws together their Robin costume for a hijinks filled patrol
((Yes I’m behind but it’s been a rough week))
Tim Drake fans be like:
thonking of him (Tim in suit)
If the batkids had a podcast. Part. XX
Spoiler: (nervous laugh) So this is a special episode–
Harley: Hello Gotham!
Red Robin: Don't– Don't get so fucking close to the mic.
Harley: Don't tell ME what to do Midnighter Jr.
Red Robin: Haha you're so fun– Fuck you
Spoiler (laughing): But you do look like Midnight–
Red Robin: Spoiler–
Nightwing: We're being held hostage.
Harley: Oh, cmon– Okay. It's not– It is not hostage if I'm not actively hurting you. Right Hood?
Redhood: Take this fucking gun out of my face.
Oh they totally fucked after this
Bernard thinking of Tim as his good luck charm who always saves him from the terrible things in his life vs Tim thinking he attracts danger to his loved ones just by being around them…this is so fascinating and also so unhealthy for both of them. I’m studying them like bugs.
THEE Diana: Children, let's go over this one last time. Just to make sure everyone understands what's going to happen. Dick, you're going to be Space Batman. Anytime the Justice League might need to Batman to help with interplanetary diplomacy, we'll call you.
Dick: What about-
Diana: You will, of course, be assigned to work beside Cyborg. He's currently capable of receiving messages from Earth with only a 2-4 hour delay in most systems we interact with. You will be informed of all of your siblings' activities by 8pm Gotham time
Dick: Thank you.
Diana: Of course. Family is very important. Jason, you will be RICO Batman. If there is any gang, drug, or trafficking not immediately tied to Crime Alley, you will be asked to consult on.
Jason: And I can use guns?
Diana: You use whatever you feel is most effective. Tim, you will play Batman when evil cults rise up. You may also be consulted for espionage related events
Tim: Sounds reasonable.
Diana: Thank you. Duke, we will call on you should Batman be needed to make daytime speeches and the such
Duke: As long as I keep my day shifts
Diana: Cass, you will be Batman for the day-to-day business
Diana: And Damian will be TRAINING to split normal Batman responsibilities with Cass after he turns 17, yes?
Diana: Yes what?
Damian: Yes Aunt Diana
Diana: Excellent! Any other division of batlabor can be discussed as it arises. I knew you guys could reach a sensible conclusion
Having so many de aged! Jason feelings. I might just burst.
Dick and Tim theorize on how a small, happy little baby winded up in Jason's apartment. It's no secret their brother, a wall of bulk with a tender core, houses the homeless sometimes.
Maybe the baby is someone's? But if so, why was he alone? Jason isn't exactly famous for his unquestionable wisdom, but he's too caring to leave a defenceless infant by himself.
More importantly, why is this baby rolling on his tummy on a familiar brown jacket, evidently craving to be picked up?
"Can you take him? I'm not..." Tim's not good with kids; It's a running joke among them. Even If there's nothing comical about this.
Dick nods. His pride does swell when the baby giggles and coos.
"He has good taste."
" Okay, Narcissus. Let's take him home before your head pops,'' was Tim just a tiny bit jealous this little chubby cheeked thing was snuggling close to Dick, while downright glowering at him?
Maybe. A little. But babies were glorified chunks of meat, shaped just enough like a human to be considered cute. What did they know?
So they get home. It's a pleasant rarity, but they're all in one place.
All except Bruce, of course. Too busy bleeding on the streets to spend any time with them, Dick huffs,
Poor Damian is trying to jump and leap amongst them giants, struggling to take a peek at their young guest, " Grayson! I want the baby!"
" He's not a toy, Dami," they all share a silent look, clearly thinking the same thing. He got it from Bruce,
"What does it do?"
" He's a baby, Steph. He's not even aware he exists!"
" God I wish that were me,"
Duke looks at Babybird, as Dick affectionately took to calling him, with a strange, quizzical look, " He looks familiar. You said you found him at Jay's?"
" Yeah, but I'm taking him to a firestation. I just had to show B. You know he likes volunteering at daycares. Maybe he'll recognize him."
" Recognize who?"
Babybird was chewing on his own foot when the elevator doors slid open. Cass wasn't a wordsmith.
She read movements and actions as one listens to music.
Every member of her beloved family was a song of their own; Dick was motivational and calming.
Stephanie was packed with action, brimming with electrifying energy that just made you want to jump.
Tim was clean and precise with accents of pop. Duke was light and happy and silently confident. Damian was angry, and passionate and brave.
Bruce was powerful, sad, and perfectly tragic.
But when Babybird shrieked, yelled out in happiness and excitement and tried to wiggle out of Dick's arms with a sunshine beam and grabby hands?
Her father was a love song.
"Jay," The name sounds like Bruce is choking. His eyes are burning with tears, marching directly to Dick, " Jay? Jay!"
"Dada!" Babybird, -- Jason? They only now noticed the white curl bouncing on top of his head, ( their inner detectives groan) " Dadadada, pap papi pap,"
They can't do anything, frozen in place, as Bruce spends the following two hours planting a garden of kisses on Jason's cheeks, full with laughter, while they read and color and build blocks.
"Uh, Bruce? I'm...I'm gonna call Zatanna."
" In a minute."
" DAD, --"
" In a minute."
It wasn't just a minute. It was an entire week.
As ridiculous as it was? They were starting to get jealous.
Big bird's about to go on a date and asks his bros if he looks ok
They got scared instead
do you realize how much we can milk the chef Bernard thing because now it’s canon that he cooks well so we could definitely write stories about him and Alfred bonding over cooking or him and Jason or we could write him bonding with the other batfam member’s because they come to his apartment after getting hurt so Bernard patches them up then makes a bomb meal so they just start coming over after patrol for food because they love it
Bruce: What if I implement a No Pets policy in the house?
Damian: Well, hell, Father, you can't throw Drake out like that.
Jason Todd is ftm and the Lazarus Pit is an ally
(redraw of this) Part 2
If the Batkids had a podcast XIX
Redhood: YOU GONNA LOOK IN MY– lemme take this shit– YOU GONNA LOOK IN MY EYES AND TELL ME I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG?
Nightwing: YOU ARE (laugh)
Redhood: SUPERMAN IS STRONGER THAN WONDER WOMAN?
Nightwing: HE IS.
Redhood: You're fucking sexist–
Nightwing: I'M NOT SEXIS–
Redhood: You are! ( "I'M NOT" in the background) YOU ARE!
Nightwing: I'm sexist?! I'M SEXIST– (laugh) BECAUSE I THINK SUPERMAN IS STRONGER THAN WONDER WOMAN???
Redhood: Because he is a man–
Nightwing: "BeCAuSe hE Is A mA– He shoot laser. from. his eyes–
Redhood: SO WHAT–
Nightwing: SO WHAT?
Robin: My fucking god. You're both children–
Nightwing: Don't curse–
Redhood: Yeah don't fucking curse– SHE'S AN AMAZON–
Nightwing: HE IS MADE– (laugh) HE IS MADE OF STEEL–
Redhood: This is not even proven– It's a saying–
Nightwing: Hood– (laugh)
Redhood: Don't– Do not fucking "Hood" me–
Redhood: Stop fucking touching me– I'm going– I'm going to shoot you.
Nightwing: Hood he is literally made of steel– HE IS–
Redhood: I don't give a shit about what he's made of- She is fucking QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS–
Nightwing: MAN OF TOMORROW!
Redhood: Man of tomorrow my ass–
Nightwing: Alright (sound of electroshock in the back) You will not–
Red Robin: Put the fucking esgrima stick down– PUT– ROBIN
Robin: Don't look at me, I'm not gonna do shit.
Nightwig, still laughing: You will not disrespect Superman in my house–
Signal: You cannot be fucking serious– NIGHTWING–
Redhood: No let him do it– Do it– Do it pussy–
Inspired by @qcomicsy post about random things the Batfam says without context.
"Hey, do you have any suggestions on how I should kill my uncle?"
"Oh don't worry, he's not real"
"-And that's how I figured out I was bisexual"
"I'm sorry, but you lost me after the bit with the floods"
"I wasn't listening after you said Superman got kidnapped by a frat house"
"Are we going to ignore the part where Brown implied that she had something to do with JFK's assassination?"
Tim: Guys. There's something I've been meaning to tell you. I'm-
Dick: -dating Kon
Jason: -secretly a serial killer
Damian: -a complete moron. This is old news
Steph: -finally going to stop bitching to me when Damian grows taller than you?
Tim: I can't believe Jason's guess was the closest
Dick: I'm not irresponsible! I'm sooo responsible! Name one time I wasn't the paragon of responsibility
Tim: That time you got drunk, stole a dog and climbed a tree to crown yourself the wolf king while completely naked?
Steph: That time you got drunk and dove into Gotham Harbour completely naked?
Jason: The time you got drunk and tried to seduce Wally-
Dick, defeated: -completely naked. Yeah, okay, I get the picture.
Jason: Actually, you were fully clothed for this one. But you were also committing grand theft auto at the time so...
Dick: Check out how many marshmallows I can fit in my mouth!
Jason: Weak! Do it while trying to chug an energy drink!
Damian: *disgusted* I can't believe I used to look up to you
"Is there any villain in Gotham that hasn't hooked up with Bruce?"
"That depends. Are there any new villains in Gotham?"
"Ah. Then no"
Bruce: -And you're sure that when I go into the Cave, I won't find any of your animals?
Damian: *nodding as Cass and Steph try to get BatCow up the stairs* Mmmhm
Tim, wincing in pain: Rules were made to be broken
Bruce: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken
Duke: Uh, piñatas
Jason: Glow sticks
Duke: Karate boards
Jason: Spaghetti when you have a small pot
Tim, still in pain: Bones
Bruce: *tired dad voice* No, Jason. You cannot weaponize Tim's skinny elbows by throwing him at people.
Bruce: -so you're sure that when I step down into the Cave, I won't find the Gotham Sirens playing poker?
Steph: *Nodding as Cass and Damian burn the evidence behind him* Mhmm!
Damian: Stop saying he's "indulging in only child behaviour" every time Drake commits an act of terrorism
Damian: Nothing you say can get under my skin
Tim: Are you sure...Ian?
Damian: ...I'm giving you till the count of three-