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AU Where the Justice League forms as usual except for one slight difference where Bruce just so happens to have been the one superheroing for the longest. (Excluding Diana, who got up to it in World War 1 and then mostly didn't while she learned about Man's World)
Bruce helps form the Justice League, ignoring all of the comments as they come to the sudden realization that Gotham's baby cryptid story is actually a man in a very intimidating armored suit who can and will break your arm if you cause problems for him. They are unaware that this is not the first team he's led, and actually he's used to teams full of mostly teenagers who also happen to be his children. This should be easier, this team is primarily adults.
He realizes rapidly that he doesn't understand these people.
His kids take bonding activities to mean learning a dozen different ways to break someones leg. That doesn't fly with these people. And that is most of Bruce's ideas, hell when he was a kid Alfred took every opportunity to get him out of his room and mostly that was with the agreement that Alfred would teach him how to defend himself. He's come by it honestly.
This team is not easier. They have more drama than when his house was actually full of kids. It's insane. He doesn't know what to do with it, usually he just sent the kids to their rooms or grounded them from patrol. That doesn't work here.
He comes to a strange crossroads. That falls apart when he forgets who he's working with and snaps at Hal with a full room of heroes that the next person to throw a punch or an insult without a reason too will be sparring with him.
A long standing rule in the batcave that worked two fold to prevent infighting between the kids and too ensure that they were well and truly trained.
It works wonders. No one says a word out of line for the rest of the debrief. Bruce becomes the unofficial mediator of the league over Clark because anytime he walked in on a fight it suddenly became 10 times more civil out of sheer terror of what he'd do to them in a sparring match.
Eventually they actually meet his kids. Well, one kid.
Half way through a mission (one of the rare ones in Gotham) the Bat comes to a complete stop at the edge of an alley. Every single league member on the team comes to a stop behind him. Slowly from the shadows of the alley a man in a red helmet stalks out to greet them.
"You don't call, you don't write"
"Red Hood."
"Don't Red Hood me! We've been worried sick!"
"I was at the cave last night."
"You didn't answer my texts B. You always answer my texts."
Somehow it ends with big and scary following them through the rest of the mission with a running commentary of how much Bats has let him down in his failure to respond in a timely manner to a text send less than an hour before he ran into them in the alley. It only ends when Red Robin shows up.
And even then it only ends because Hood can't keep himself from throwing a punch and Bruce has to snap at him that if he throws another one they're sparring when they get home.
And by god is Jason giving up the chance to punch his brothers.
hc that no one on the JL (or any of the teams) will let bats do the heavy lifting, ever
Like one day they need to carry an unconscious Flash after a battle and someone else (who has a broken arm) is like “who is well enough that they can carry him” and Batman, ceo of ignoring his injuries™️, is like “I got this” but his mouth starts leaking blood while he’s carrying flash. Superman (who was holding up a building) x-rays him & is like “YOU HAVE THREE BROKEN RIBS AND INTERNAL BLEEDING. WHY ARE YOU CARRYING FLASH?” “…I am well enough to carry flash”
anyway this applies to all bats. Someone asks if someone else can volunteer to help them lift something and, no matter what, Kon puts his hand over Tim’s mouth bc of the broken leg incident™️. Tim will never even be allowed a chance to make a case or attempt to answer the call.
Someone asks if Robin can help to carry something and Jon immediately replies “no he can’t. I’ll do it tho.” bc Damian once tried to conduct cleanup (lifting pieces of broken buildings and concrete) post alien-invasion with a stab wound (it was multiple stab wounds but only Jon figured that out)
Someone asks nightwing if he can carry stuff to the car and all of a sudden you have eight people shouting “NO” bc he once offered to carry someone’s old 60 pound box TV to storage while he had a gunshot wound. They only learned about the gunshot wound after he fainted & the tv fell on top of him.
Jason leaves before anyone can ask him to help with anything
Edit:
Steph and Cass fight over who carries the thing for the other person, but usually neither of them volunteer. They're gone the second the battle is over. Babs never has to carry shit even if it's a loaf of bread because she goes "wow, really? have the wheelchair bound girl carry shit for you, sure" so the person stammers and she gets away with it every single time.
Duke is allowed to carry things. (Other teams have yet to find out about his injuries.) In fact, they compliment him on being responsible enough to not over-exert himself. He smiles back. (He's trying not to laugh.)
the family group chat gets a text from Damian at 5am while Bruce and Dick are both out of town. this is what happens when you leave a bunch of teenagers in charge of Gotham
bruce forces the batkids to go to his charity balls and he gives them suits and dresses for it- but he accidentally switches tim and Stephanie's outfits.
*Jason, Dick, and Duke huddled together looking at Tim and Stephanie walk into the ballroom*
Jason: They didn't.
Dick: They wouldn't
Duke: They did.
Stephanie: *wearing a black and red tux*
Tim: *holding her arm while wearing a bright purple dress, with heels*
Reporter: What do you have to say to criticism that for years, the Robin role was filled solely by straight, cis white males?
Nightwing: I’m not white.
Red Hood: I’m not white.
Red Robin: I’m not… Well I’m white...
The camera lingers for an awkward moment before an offended Spoiler jumps into frame and protests girl-Robin erasure.
Later, someone puts the short close up of Red Robin’s response in slow motion with rainbow filters and dance music, and it‘s a viral joke in Gotham for two weeks.
It’s mostly forgotten for years until Red Robin goes to Pride and casually mentions that he’s already come out years ago. The clip resurfaces and people are like, “Wait, that was it??? That was real???”
Because Tim Drake has extensive media training but Red Robin is a chaotic bisexual disaster with no filter.
And that’s my headcannon of how Red Robin comes out in a way that’s so dumb, most people don’t even realise he’s done it.
(Bonus headcanon: Bernard was the creator of the original viral clip and was infuriated at the time because people thought it was a joke but it was SO OBVIOUS that Red Robin was coming out. Why couldn’t everyone see it?)
(EDIT: This recipe can also be used for gay, trans, or ace Tim - just adjust the ingredients to your personal preference.)