#WHATEVER I DONT EVEN FUCKING CARE I DONT CARE THAT HE DID IT ON PIANO IDGAF REALLY

[hazardsoflove]

I’M A YOUNG ONE STUCK IN THE THOUGHTS OF AN OLD ONES HEAD WHEN ALL THE OTHERS WERE JUST STIRRING AWAKE I’M TRYNA TRICK MYSELF TO FALL ASLEEP AGAIN WHOAAAA MY HEADS IN HEAVEN MY SOLES ARE IN HELL LETS MEET IN THE PURGATORY OF MY HIPS AND GET WELL HURRY HURRY YOU PUT MY HEAD IN SUCH A FLURRY FLURRY OH FRECKLE FRECKLE WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL OH WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU OH I’M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW WE’RE ALL ALONEEEE HOW WE’RE ALL ALONEEEE OH OHHHHH GUILD ME BUILD ME ITS YOUR CLUB SO LET ME IN (LET ME IN) KNOWING HOW HEARTWARMING IT IS INSIDE YOUR SKINNNNNNN MY HEADS IN HEAVEN MY SOLES ARE IN HELL LETS MEET IN THE PURGATORY OF MY HIPS AND GET WELL HURRY HURRY YOU PUT MY HEAD IN SUCH A FLURRY FLURRY OH FRECKLE FRECKLE WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL OH WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU OH I’M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW WE’RE ALL ALONEEEE HOW WE’RE ALL ALONEEEE OH OHHHHH OOOHH AH OOOHH AH OOOH AH OOOHH AH OOOH AH OOHH A A A A A ALONEEOHOH ALL ALONEEEOHHH ‼️ ‼️ ‼️ ‼️ HURRY HURRY YOU PUT MY HEAD IN SUCH A FLURRY FLURRY OH FRECKLE FRECKLE WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL OH WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL I’M GONNA LEAVE YOU OH I’M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW WE’RE ALL ALONEEEE HOW WE’RE ALL ALONEEEE OH OHHHHH MAMA IF WE DON'T TAKE THE MEDICATION WE WON’T SLEEP FOR DAYS WE WON’T SLEEP FOR DAYS AND MAMA IF WE PRAY TO THE LORD OH DOES HE SING ON A STAGE DOES HE SING ON A STAGE WE WASTE IT ALL IN THE BACK OF A LONG DARK CAR AND I’M A SUNSHINE MACHINE UH I WANT TO GET STUCK I WANT TO GET STUCK AND BE GOLDEN IN YOUR MEMORY MMM MMM OHHHH OHHHH

[icallhimjoey]

Im not sure if this is a concept you’d like or maybe it may feel similar to other things you’ve written, but I had a thought…

What if Joe goes to a secret tiny cocktail bar to see his regular guy who makes the best dirty martini’s and helps him switch off. However one day his favourite bar tender has left and in his place is you, completely new and unknowing about the special methods to joe’s martini’s. There’s something about you that he has the patience for so he offers a little lesson while you’re quiet and that then starts a weekly visit from joe rating the martini progression until an eventual private lesson at his house is introduced…

it took me a while to get started on this, to figure out how i was going to DO THIS because i dont know SHIT about mixology, but i think.... i think i've come up with something to make it work, so, here we go Wordcount: 2.8K

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Mistaken, Not Stirred

part one - part two - part three - part four - part five

Joe was... just, somewhere else. Mentally he’d clocked out for a second. He banked on just his muscle memory to carry his legs from the tube stop over to the black matte door, all on automatic pilot.

This was what it was usually like. What it had eventually become.

Same tunnels, same stairs, same escalator, same ticket gates, same pavement, same corners– he walked the same path every couple of days and had done for too long now, he thought.

His second home. Wasn’t his fault it was so nice. That he liked the place so much.

He turned his head to check for traffic where he had to cross the street but after crossing, he couldn’t even remember if he’d seen cars coming his way. The only way he knew there hadn’t been any traffic to knock him off the road, is because he made it to the other side of the street unscathed.  

The cold wind was fucking brutal tonight. Biting. Hurt his face and made him dig his hands deeper into his pockets.

Time for a drink. One that warmed him up from the inside out. Good thing he was on his way to get one. Well... some. 

A couple good ones and then perhaps whatever else he’d get slid over that he didn’t order at Hush-Hush. His favourite spot. 

Called just a singular Hush, and sometimes even The Hush by people that frequented the place. Joe was one of those. Pretentious, sure, but he liked being a regular too much to care what other people had to say about it.

From the outside, it was just a black door, nothing else. No signs. No windows. No outdoor seating – nothing. 

You had to know someone, who knew someone, who knew someone to know of the place. Or, and like most people did, Joe knew, use Google. Or even Yelp. The bar was easy to find if you knew where to look.  

Hush-Hush was a speakeasy done the way Joe loved speakeasies to be done.

Old-timey and dimly lit. Low music, sort of jazzy, sometimes live on the low stage in the corner where a piano resided on the side. People sat in armchairs and brown leather sofas. And cocktails were served by people who knew what they were doing. 

Joe knew Martin, the manager, well enough by now.  

Martin knew what he liked. Knew what sort of drink he wanted just by the look of him sometimes.

Joe hoped tonight would be one of those nights.

He walked up, jogged the last few steps up to the unassuming door and rang the doorbell. It took a few seconds for the little latch on the door to slide open, and two eyes appeared. Joe got recognized immediately and the latch closed just as quick as it opened before he was granted access inside.  

Down the stairs. 

Around the corner. 

Past the toilets.

Down the dark hallway. 

Into the bar.  

Joe walked straight over to his spot, to his seat, where he always sat. A barstool on the short end of the bar, where he had the best view of the whole place, close to Martin’s workstation, who’d make time for a chat whenever he could.  

Sometimes Joe would bring a friend, and they’d find a table with high-backed armchairs to sink into. But that was only sometimes. He liked going by himself more. He liked his spot by the bar more. Was easier to get his drinks there. 

And Martin made the best drinks. 

Gave Joe half his shit for free. Drinks he was considering to put on the menu. He’d make Joe try them out and then wouldn’t charge him a penny. “Try this,” he’d say, and he’d wait for Joe to give an extensive review.  

It was always amazing. 

Joe always loved everything he got given, and always left a fat tip to compensate.

Would sometimes say, “Little too sweet for me,” but he’d still finish the drink. Would always get onto the verge of being too drunk to make his way home. Martin somehow knew exactly when to give him a glass of sparkling water, and Joe would know; I’ve had enough.

But he always stayed ‘til close if he could. Liked it most when it was just him and maybe one or two other people in there still, when there’d be enough time to properly chat with Martin or other bar staff.  

Sometimes Chloé would ask him how his evening was going, but he mostly spoke with Martin.  

Joe wouldn’t say they were actual friends. 

But he’d definitely say he knew Martin, that they were friendly, in a “Yea, I know the manager.” sort of way. 

Joe liked this friendship that was contained by the location and the job at hand. There were two very clear roles here: barman and barguest. Drink-maker and drink-drinker.  This was just casual small talk, never invasive, always topics he didn’t mind talking about at all. If he didn’t mention his work, Martin wouldn’t either.  

Joe found his spot, sat down and nodded at Martin who was already holding up a classic martini glass.  

See?

Knew what he needed.

Maybe not needed, but definitely what he wanted.

Someone who nearly dropped the glass through slippery fingers and seemed flustered and unsure about what her hands were doing.

About what your hands were doing.  

“Dirty martini,” Martin instructed and hovered close, kept eyes on you, was ready to instruct and help if you did it wrong. 

And… you immediately did it wrong, obviously. 

You were learning still, and this was your second night actually allowed to make drinks. To be behind the bar and mix cocktails. To do them the way they were actually meant to be, and not do them the way you did them at home, where you just did whatever tasted nice enough.  

You were new to this, so of course, you were full of mistakes. 

Yesterday had been a disaster, and you had heard one barstaff tell another, “I’ve not seen it this bad in a while,” and you’d cried the second you’d stepped into your dark, cold flat afterwards.

Contemplated quitting.

Just calling and telling them that, actually, no, this was not the job for you, thanks.

But Martin was patient, and he was the manager, so that was all that mattered.

He just handed you what you needed when you reached for the wrong thing and told you with a little nod and a raise of his eyebrows for you to fill the glass. 

Except you didn’t use a measuring utensil, were about to do a free pour and, no. That wasn’t what you were meant to be doing. Martin stopped you with a hand held over the glass, then pointed at a jigger.

“Sorry,” 

“Always measure – free pouring wastes liquor and makes a drink taste different every time. Keep the control and use a jigger.”  

You had seen Martin free pour all the time.

But okay.

You were told to use a jigger.

So, you used a jigger. Nearly got the wrong side of it though. Martin was able to flip it over just in time. But you used the jigger just like you had been instructed to and only spilt a little vermouth. Nothing crazy, you thought, but you could feel the annoyance practically radiate from this other girl, Chloé, as she wiped her station clean.  

And you felt the burn of judgmental eyes on you from several directions now, because the handsome guest at the bar who you presumed the drink was for was now also watching your fumbling fingers.  

“Oh, sorry,”  

“Sorry! I didn’t see…”  

“Where’s the– sorry, I don’t… what’s next?” 

You were still learning. 

Martin showed you were to find the olives and let you finish the drink. You looked over at Martin for confirmation; was this good enough to serve? Could you just place this on the bar in front of this guy who’d been hesitantly watching you make this drink for him? Had seen you nearly mess up, what, like, eight times?  

Yes. 

Martin gave you a nod. 

You served the drink, smiled and said, “One dirty martini. Shaken, not stirred.” in an attempt to be funny. To get this guy to smile at you.

Except you hadn’t shaken anything, had you?  

“Oh, I mean, stirred, not… I didn’t shake that. Sorry, did you want it shaken? I also didn’t–” you turned around to face Martin. “I didn’t shake or stir this, does it need– did I do it wrong?”  

You saw how the two men looked at each other and smiled. Chuckled, almost. 

“No, no. This is perfect,” the guest sat at the bar kindly said and took a sip.  

You could tell by his face that it definitely wasn’t perfect. He then also immediately tried to carefully swirl the glass around a bit – to stir the drink. Or even to attempt to shake it a little.  

“Next time,” Martin started when you turned back around, and then he tumbled into all the things you had done wrong. It made you feel the burn of failure deep inside your chest.  

You could take the criticism, you told yourself. 

You could. Promise.

It just made you feel very small, and insanely embarrassed, and so fucking dumb. If you got too much about it, made you want to cry.  

But you were trying. That counted for something.

The guy at the bar did say the drink was perfect. That had to count for something, even if he so very clearly had been lying.

And, listen. Martin was just trying to teach you. To avoid you making future mistakes. It was no big deal.

All new beginnings were difficult, and you could deal with this. 

You really could. 

And so you did.

You ignored the prickle of tears behind your eyes every time you heard Chloé huff impatient and frustrated sighs.

You ignored the growing frustration you felt constrict your throat every time Martin went “Wait, wait, wait... hang on, remember what I said last time?”

It was only your second day. Everything was fine.

No matter how annoyed the other bar staff seemed to grow, you held onto your straight face. No matter how many times Martin seemed to have to go over the same things again and again. And again. Straight face.

“Yes. All right. Thanks. How much of this again? Ah. Okay. Will do, next time. Sorry.”

It didn’t help that the bar was dark, that the only real light source seemed to come from Christmas lights that were strung up for ambience.

You fought through the minutes, the hours, the entire evening that slowly dripped into the night, until it got close to closing and people started closing out their tabs. You were better at this. Actually good at this. Knew how to work the cash register, knowledge done up at a previous job, and smiled politely as people tapped their cards or phones against the PIN pad before wishing them a lovely rest of their night.

This was easier work.

Just the machine telling you what people owed the place and then making sure they paid for what they’d consumed.

Martin saw you go around and didn’t interfere, which gave you a little boost of confidence. Made you feel like he hadn’t made an insane mistake by hiring you a couple days ago, even though throughout the night you were sure he must have had that exact thought several times.

Doing this little task meant there were no wrong glasses to grab. No wrong ice cubes to put into glasses the wrong way. Not have the guy at the bar try to hide a smirk as Chloé said something to him, voice low enough for you to just miss it, but the roll of her eyes said enough.

Bitch.

No.

She was probably nice.

You were just fucking up a lot.

You would probably act the same way if the roles were reversed.

Maybe not so openly, though.

But, that was definitely some sort of sneer about you that she made towards a guest, and mentally, you went, “Where’s your Christmas spirit, Chloé?”. But outwardly, you'd pretended you hadn't seen or heard. Smiled your sweetest politest smile when you made eye-contact with him.

Good-looking bastard.

When he was the last guest in there still, you worked out how much money this guy still needed to pay and printed the bill for him. Slid it over just after he finished his chat with Martin, who disappeared onto the floor with a wet dishcloth to do the tables. A task he would have given you had you not already been busy doing something else.

“That will be 104,93 for you, sir.”

For a moment Joe just... looked at it. Was halfway through putting his coat on and froze, one arm stuck in a sleeve, eyes on the little white piece of paper and the number down at the bottom of it.

104,93 quid?

What... what were you doing?

You didn’t falter, however. You knew you got this right – you’d managed to keep count on this guy. Hadn’t found his tab in the system, so you’d created one for him, and then... had just, seen what he’d had.

Not that you’d been staring all night. But, you’d kind of been staring all night.

Men didn’t get to be this charming and then expect not to be looked at, you know?

He was also right there.

And you’d seen him watch you too.

Having someone watch you fuck up added another layer of nerves to everything, so, of course you’d seen him watch. Had felt him watch.

You set the PIN pad to the correct amount and held it out to him.

“Here you go.”

And listen. It wasn’t as if Joe had a leg to stand on here.

That was the correct amount.

He had consumed all of those drinks.

But, this... shit. This wasn’t how it usually went.

Usually, Martin wouldn’t charge him for half the shit he’d drink. And then Joe could tip and feel good about himself.

You were charging him like he wasn’t a regular. Like he had asked for all the drinks that Martin had made for him without him asking. Like he hadn’t helped Martin out by giving his honest opinion on every single one of them. Like he wasn’t Joe Quinn.

And then you smiled?

All innocent and sweet? Like you hadn’t practically cost the place money tonight, instead of making it some?

Joe got his phone, tapped it to the pad in your hands and tried to come to terms with how this made him feel on the inside.

Again, he had no leg to stand on.

He couldn’t really go, “Oh no, I don’t... I never pay for what I drink in here.”

So he paid.

Shook his head a little as you passed him the PIN receipt and told him to have a lovely rest of his night. Couldn’t help but smile at how silly this felt.

Just before Joe left the bar and made his way back upstairs into the cold, he stopped right in front of the hallway that would lead him there and found Martin close enough to say goodbye to.

“See you later, mate,”

“Yea, see you in a few,”

Joe looked back at you behind the bar, where you were trying to spin liquor bottles so all their labels faced out, nearly making one slip from its spot. You caught it just in time.

“And hey,” Joe added, nodding his head towards you for Martin to see. “Good luck with that one.”

Martin smiled, remained professional and just shrugged.

Joe was less tactic about it, what with the alcohol in his blood and him being the last guest in now anyway, and added,

“She’s lucky she’s cute.”

You pretended you didn’t catch that.

Pretended there were lots of people in still, and that the music was still going, and that where he was stood was way too far for him to be in earshot.

But you’d heard that.

And you would have cried if you disagreed.

But all you’d really heard him say was that he thought you were cute.

The handsome man who had sat the bar all night, who Martin just said he would see in a few days, had just called you cute after he’d watched you make mistake after mistake. After you’d served him mediocre drink after mediocre drink.

Cute.

Dirty martini.

Fun. You had a goal now.

You were going to learn how to do the perfect dirty martini, and you only had a few days.

“You just watch,” you mumbled to yourself as you covered the little dish of lemon slices with clingfilm that didn’t stick to the sides just before Chloé took it from your hands and redid it. Properly, this time.

Sigh.

No.

Dirty martini first.

Clingfilm after.

“You. Just. Watch.”

---

The Taglisted

@adoreyouusugar, @alana4610, @ali-in-w0nderland, @alwayslindie, @babybluebex, @barfightzanddiscolightz, @bettyfrommars, @cancankiki, @capricornrisingsstuff, @chaoticgood-munson, @chrissymjstan, @choke-me-eddie, @demonsanddemogorgons, @did-it-work, @dirtyeddietini, @dylanmunson, @eddies-puppet, @electricmunson, @emma77645, @emmamooney, @everythinghasafacee, @figmentofquinn, @frootvelvet, @ghost-proofbaby, @ghostinthebackofyourhead, @harringtonfan4, @haylaansmi, @jasminearondottir, @jewellethief, @joesquinns, @kellyxo1, @kennedy-brooke, @lovelyblueness, @manda-panda-monium, @miserybeans, @nadixq, @notverywise, @pepperstories, @phyllosilicate-s, @roosterisdaddy36, @sherrylyn628, @sidthedollface2, @thebellenouvelle, @thewondernanazombie, @tlclick73, @werepartnersnow, @winterwakesthewolf, @witchwolflea, @yelyahcardella, @yunirgo

taglist currently full, sorry

[tomdiddlyumptious]

T.H| My Mortal Enemy

Summary: you really dont wanna dance with him

Warnings: uhhh language per usual other then that idk-

A/n: I actually wanted to create a series with princess!reader but i wasnt sure.

A LOVE TRIANGLEEEEE OMFGGGGG prince!tom x princess!reader x timothee chalamet

“Y/n suck it up” “suck what up?” “Your stomach” you took a deep breath in and grunted when she pulled thhe strings of the corset.

“Fuck you” you sighed, holding onto your stomach while she laughed “you have to dance with him, theres no way around it” zendaya said, tying the strings together while you complained.

“Im not dancing with him! Ill just dance with timothee” you commented, wiping the sweat from your forehead before she grabbed the hoop skirt, telling you to step into it.

“You’re becoming queen and toms becoming king. There’s literally nothing you can fucking do” she muttered, picking it up and putting it on your hips, quickly closing it. “Im not happy with that”

“Honey please. Clearly” she glared at you, and you smacked your lips and raised your hands in the air, the detailed white skirt, small roses and small patterns, coming over your head and down ontop of the hoop skirt.

“Beautiful” she smiled, looking at you in the mirror while you stood there shoulders slumped. “I look like one of those creepy baby dolls”

She hit you in the back making you stand up straight “you wont get anywhere with that attitude, you go in there with confidence and your head held high. For tom..... i dont know what hes gonna do but dont let that ruin your mood”

“Thanks that means so much-“ “shut up” she ordered, eyeing you as you kept your lips sealed tight. She grabbed the heels and bended down on her knees, snatching your foot making you almost fall.

“You know i couldve had someone else doing this for me. You dont have to-“ “i need you to look your best, princess” she muttered, slipping the shoe on and doing the same with the other.

“Im not marrying that scoundrel, harrison” he said, his helpers helping him while harrison watched, laughing at him. “If you wont i will,” “shut up” “you dont even like her” “so?”

He stared at harrison with daggers, while harrison played with a smirk on his face. “It cant be that hard. Just a dance and youd never have to make contact again” timothee shrugged, swirling the ice in his glass.

“You dont know i feel towards her” tom whispered. “Well you obviously hate her, but shes the most beautiful woman in this palace, everyone thinks so!”

“Eh id rather marry zendaya” “zac will kick your ass” harrison said, “thats besides the point” “tom just be quiet” tim said and tom furrowed his eyebrows at him.

“You literally talk about her all the time. If you have such a problem let one of us dance with her” he offered. “Why would i do that?”

“Because you hate her!” They both shouted at him. “I-i dont hate her....i just have se negative feelings about her”

“Then why do you talk about her all the fuckin time?”

He didn’t know how to answer that. He didnt know if he loved you or hated you. It was whatever he felt in the moment.

And that left him with a sigh and a shrug “i dont know”

“You look absolutely stunning!” Zac said, his arm wrapped around zendaya while Had a smile in her face. “She thinks she looks like a doll, a creepy one”

“Welp that isnt gonna get you anywhere...” “exactly what i said!” “Can i please take off these heels?” You asked hopping on one foot to scratch the back of your ankle.

“Nooo! Come on!” Zendaya urged and you groaned, walking with them following behind you.

The ball room was.....beautiful. Fancy tables and chairs everywhere, the special table on the other end of the room for the king and queen.

The room was filled, cheers and glasses clanking, laughs leaving people lips. And then someone cleared there throat loudly, when you looked over it was your beloved mother, “the queen is here!”

She walked over, the room quiet as gasps left people lips, muttering things like “since when does y/n wear ball gowns” “she looks stunning” and things like that.

Her hand found yours and you did a small smile, letting her pull you wherever as zendaya and zac found thier table.

She pulled you to your fancy table. “Now y/n i need you to behave” “but maaaa!” “No excuses! Make everyone proud okay, i know that boy can be a handfull”

“How do i look?” He asked, running offly late. “I mean you arent trying to impress anyone-“ “you look great” tim cut harrison off, patting toms shoulder “so can we please leave”

And you sat there, bored, for once in your life time crossing a leg over the other and helping yourself with cherries while tom watched from afar, his mother walking him over.

“You look wonderful y/n, both of you do” she smiled, rubbing toms shoulder and looking at you. “Thank you ms. Holland”

“Please- call me niki. Were gonna be a family after all” she said, making tom roll his eyes and bite his lip, looking away then looking back. “Yeah we are” you smiled and like that it was only you two.

“I dont like you” “and what makes you think i do?” You questioned, raising an eyebrow while he crossed his arms “the least you can do is act like a gentleman, as far as anyone knows we are happy together” you said making him nod, sitting up and clearing his throat.

“Sooo.....wife” you cringed at his words but let him continue “how are we gonna do this?” You only shrugged “we can sleep in separate rooms or something” “sounds like a plan” he genuinely smiled at you, handing you another cherry as you squinted your eyes at him.

“I dont know if you poisoned this” you flicked it back at him, making him let out a small gasp before throwing it back “you arent worth my time, i would waste a dime trying to kill you” “i dont know if i should take that as a complement or not” your eyebrows furrowed and he sighed, looking away from you.

“You know, i dont know why they have such a problem with each other” harrison said to tim, currently at their own table, throwing grapes at one another and cracking jokes. “I dont think we’ll ever find out” he said in response, eating one of the grapes.

AnD iT WAs TiMe TO daNCE

The strong piano played, filling the halls as everyone watched you and tom.

You both maintained eye contact, his hand tight on the side of your waist as yours was tight on his shoulder, squeezing each others hand that was shared in each others.

“Im never doing this again” he whispered, basically nose to nose with you. “Do you think i want to?” You rolled your eyes. “I dont care if you want to! I just know im not doing this”

“Well grea-“ he dipped you and you almost gasped, frightened making tom silently chuckle before lifting you back up, now chest to chest.

“Your a fuck-face” you muttered. “You love it” he shrugged, “why are we doing this anyway”

“I dont know, why do you hate me?” He asked making your jaw drop. “Why do you hate me?!” You aggressively whispered.

“They look happy” zendaya said, zac, haz and tim all circled around the same table as they watched intently “ehhh” they all let out at the same time, in their own bubble, tim leaning back in the chair and Harrison slump with his legs open, zac resting his face on his knuckles as he silently blowed spit bubbles.

“I hate you because you hate me!” “I only hated you because you hated me!” “Bullshitttt” he bit his lip and you aggressively stomped on his foot with the edge of your heel.

He let out a small whimper and a fuck you making you have a smile on your face. “Dont cuss at me” “im pretty sure my foot is bleeding, fart face” “shut up” “but you literally called me a fuck face!”

“Shush!” He still whimpered in pain when he moved, “im sorry” you said, feeling guilty. He did a small smile “that isnt gonna make my foot better is it?”

“Well what the fuck do you want me to do! Kiss it?” “That wouldn’t be so bad” you groaned and looked away from him, to keep yourself from looking at him you easily pressed your head on his chest, making his breath hitch and his heart spead up, the piano relaxing a bit so you both moved slowly.

“Awwww” everyone said together making tom blush hard, your arms came up to circle his neck while his silently made its way to your waist. “Y/n why are you doing this?” He asked, whispering in your ear as you let out a small “i dont know”

“Well- can you n-not?" “Not what thomas?” “Be all bubbly with me!” You looked up at him with your eyebrow raised “im not being bubbly”

“Yes you are!” You sighed in response “but dont you feel better! Not everything has to be so negative” “well this is bluntly awkward” “well then stop making it awkward!”

“Yeah they are in love with each other” zac said, everyones eyebrows furrowed as they looked at you both, a different look and vibe coming from the both of you.

The piano slowly ended, you and tom panicked.

“Kiss me!” He ordered. “Why would i do that! We barely even get along!” “As far as they know we are a happy cuddle” he mocked your voice. “Im still not kissing you” “if you dont kiss me im gonna kiss you”

“Fine-“ “hurry up!” “You sound loke you really wanna kiss-“ before you could finish he pressed his lips on yours, his hand pulling you closer as his other hand came up to the side of your face, and SUPRISE you fucking kissed back!

Although you both you never would never admit it, you both loved the kiss.

Your lips where soft and to your suprise his lips werent chapped, his hands were gentle on your face as you also pulled him closer, your arms still circled around his neck.

Everyone at the tables jaw dropped, zendayas more but that didnt change the subject that you both kissed, and it looked like you both were gonna sit like that till end of time.

“No fucking way” haz muttered, looking at everyone else’s expressions and they were the same.

An audible noise came when you both pulled away. “That- that uh....wasnt s-so bad” he did a small awkward chuckle. “Yeah.... i uhhhhh”

“Uhhh” you both looked away from each other before tom pulled you back to your private table.

“Im still shocked” tim said, everyone agreeing as everyone else clapped for them. “So they just decided to love each other” zac shrugged, “yeah something like that”

After that whole thing was done, daya, tim, haz, and zac locked you all in toms bedroom for questions. “What is this about?” You asked, taking off your heels and getting undressed infront of everyone.

“You and tom” his eyebrows furrowed as he started to get undressed himself. “What about it?”

“Uhhh helllooo! Are we gonna act like that fucking kiss DIDNT happen?” Daya waved her hand in the air, before crossing her arms. You and tom silently looked at each other “it was his fault”

He smacked his lips and threw himself on his bed, throwing a tantrum, kicking air. “I thought we werent gonna tell anyone!”

“So you admit it!” Haz said, a wide smile on his face as he clapped his hands. “Zendaya the corset please” you said, she came over and undid it for you. “Can i have a shirt please?” You asked, looking back at tom and he nodded getting up, searching through his drawer.

“SINCE WHEN WERE YOU BOTH BUDDY BUDDY?” Tim said, and tom shrugged “I guess we just feel differently about each other”

“And it was because of that kiss wasn’t it?” Zac smiled while daya had a childish look on her face. “It’s happening! Give me my money!”

“You guys betted on us?” You asked, thanking tom when he handed you a shirt. “Wait wait wait wait, what the actual fuck. What in the fucks is going in here because this is confusing!” Haz said, getting a headache “i swear if that kiss never happened they would be ripping each others head off”

“Zendaya more loose please!” You said and she eyed you, “help her tom” she said, crossing her arms. “Uhhh...okay” he shrugged, walking over to loosen it more.

“HUH?” Everyone shouted, watching as he loosened it and then made you turn around to loosen the front. “Somethings not clicking-“ “no because this isnt adding up”

You put the shirt over your head and pulled the corset off of you under your shirt, he helped with the hoop skirt since you already took off the actual skirt.

“Im really confused” zac said, sighing as everyone who betted gave zendaya 100 bucks, including him.

“We all are, zac” tim muttered, crossing his arms as he watched you both communicate. “Tom when your done lets talk!”

And timothee and tom went outside of the room, tom leaning against the wall as he waited for him to speak. “Youre only doing this because we said something about her, right?”

“I dont know what you’re talking about, timothee” “yes you do. Youre only doing this because you know i have feelings for her” “I actually didnt know that but okay”

“Yes the fuck you did” tim pushed him, toms eyebrows furrowed as he pushed him back. “No i didnt” tim pushed him to the floor, a large thud heard making you all whip your heads to the door, hearing a punch made you walk slowly to the door.

“You knew i had feelings for her and you took her away from me, you dont even like her!” “What?” You whispered, looking over at zendaya before they all rushed to the door, ear hustling.

Tom tackled him to the ground, aggressive punches thrown at his face until tim rolled both of them over, now his turn. “I hate you! You were never there for her! Made her mad- sad- and everything that she doesnt fucking deserve!”

You decided it was time to come out, opening the door and telling them both to stop, Zac pulling tim off of tom and Harrison holding tom back.

Tom sent daggers at tim while tom did the same. “And now she likes you. Ive been working so fucking hard to win over her heart but you- you have to ruin everything” tim finished, pushing zac off of him before turning to you.

“I hope youre happy” he scoffed and walked passed, flipping tom off. “Wait!” You said, chasing after tim while tom looked back, jaw clenched as he watched you run off.

“Y/n leave me alone” “i just want to talk” you caught up to him, both of you power walking. “I never knew you had feelings for me timothee! If you would’ve told me sooner I would’ve never done the thing i did today” you said, looking at him while he still looked ahead, before he looked at you.

“Im not mad at you y/n. He-he knew that i had feelings for you and he took advantage of it, i-i” he sighed and you pulled him into a hug, “im sorry”

I dead ass dont know if i should do a part 2 or not. THIS IS WHY I SAID I WANTED TO MAKE A SERIES- IM SO MAD AT MYSELF-

[peachiikawa]

Fly | Route Selected: S. Daichi

a/n: thank you all for being so patient with me. finally, here is the long awaited daichi route. hope you all enjoy!

genre: mafia au

warnings: blood, reader getting hurt, guns, violence

word count: 2.3k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose you”

Your eyes locked with daichi

And daichi stared into yours trying to figure you out

“Are you sure?”

You nodded your head and held your ground

“Im sure”

He felt his eyes soften for a moment at the determination in your eyes before hardening again

“Fine. Everyone else, go home. Youre with me then. Lets go”

Daichi called for a car and drove you home

The silence between the two of you was only filled with the soft sound of a piano playing on the radio

The ride was finally over after about twenty minutes

“I’ll come get you tomorrow morning. Youll be working as an intern now so dress accordingly”

With that he left and you felt like you could breathe again

Just what had you gotten yourself into?

As he said he was at your house in the morning in a car that looked just a tad too expensive

You gulped before taking your first step towards him

“Good morning, Daichi”

He just nodded at you as you got into the car

The drive was once again silent

You looked over at the man behind the wheel and noticed how...formal he looked

Suit, straight back, both hands on the wheel

You felt yourself naturally adjusting yourself to mirror his mannerisms

He stole some glances at you without you noticing and felt his eyes soften upon seeing how nervous you looked

As soon as you stepped into the building you could feel the professional atmosphere

The endless windows and white walls gave off a chilling feeling

You only came back to reality when Daichi gently nudged your back

“I dont have all day. Hurry up and move”

The harshness of his words were the opposite of his touch but they still hurt nonetheless

You nodded your head and kept walking, trying to keep up with his quick stride

You followed him into an office as he took a seat behind the wooden desk

“This will be brief so don’t feel the need to sit”

Your eyes followed his every move as he organized his desk that was already pretty organized with stacks of papers

Daichi went on about your duties here but you honestly werent listening

You were a bit overwhelmed from the unfamiliar building you were in that you forgot about the man in front of you

Up until your eyes landed on the nameplate that sat on his desk

Sawamura Daichi, CEO

Without even knowing it, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion

Just who did you get yourself involved with?

Daichi finally noticed that his conversation with you wasnt going anywhere

“Hey. Are you even listening to me?”

You snapped out of it and shook your head

“Im listening!”

He just sighed and repeated everything he just said again

“Whatever. Just listen because this will be the last time i say this. Youll be working here at Sawamura Inc from now on as an intern. Your fellow interns are Hinata and Kageyama so feel free to ask them questions if you have any. You can leave now. I’ll come get you at the end of the day”

You nodded your head and started your day

Kageyama helped you the most in learning the ropes, you didnt see much of hinata. it was almost as if he was avoiding you

“Ok...so these files go here?”

He nodded his head

“Yeah i think you got it down now. If you need me ill be organizing some things for suga”

The rest of the day went on slowly until finally seven oclock hit

You could hear the faint sound of footsteps approaching you

“Lets go”

Daichi wasted no time in leaving

You quickly put down the rest of the papers you needed to organize and followed him out

The next couple weeks were like clockwork

Almost exactly the same as the day before

And no matter how hard you tried to get to know the man who took you to and from work he wouldnt budge

The only thing you ever got out of him were short replies and head nods

Did he really not like you that much?

But something you noticed every morning and every evening was the light sound of a piano playing from the radio

“Do you like the piano daichi?”

You werent even sure youd get an answer out of him

But he must if he listened to it everyday

You saw his hands lightly grip the steering wheel tighter before loosening, a ghost of a smile appearing on his lips

Your eyes widened when you saw it

In your two weeks together...youd never seen him give a look like this

Like he...enjoyed life

Like he was happy

“Yeah...its okay”

But just as fast as it appeared on his face, it quickly disappeared

Who knew that the stoic man next to you could make expressions like that

Almost made your heart race

“Do you play?”

Silence fell upon the both of you before you heard him let out a sigh

“No”

And now we’re back to stage one when you finally though you were getting more than one word answers

What could you do to make him see you?

This question played in your head as you filed away some papers for Asahi with Hinata

It was the first time youd done something with him but from what youve seen kageyama just calls him an idiot all the time and hits him

Also from what youve heard hinatas been with the sawamuras for a while so maybe he has some insight

“Hey hinata, can i ask you a question?”

He kept quiet so you took that as permission

“Do you know why daichi likes listening to the piano so much?”

That caused him to stop

“If he hasnt told you then dont ask me”

Youd be lying if you said that didnt make you more intrigued so naturally you did some digging

And eventually you stumbled upon an article from no more than five years ago

It told the tale of a young piano prodigy that had chosen to study music at the university of music and performing arts in vienna

And that piano prodigy was the now the distant leader of the Karasuno Mafia

You wonder what happened to him, what the story was behind his change in career path

The next day you decided that if you wanted to learn more about him then asking the questions would help

“Good afternoon daichi!”

You smiled at him as you delivered some paperwork to him

“Morning…”

You set the small stack down on his desk in front of him

“These are the papers for the closing on the Inarizaki deal”

He picked them up and quickly skimmed it

“Okay, thank you. You may go now”

When you didnt move he looked back up

“Do you have something else for me?”

He saw the way you fidgeted with the tips of your fingers and his eyes softened for just a moment

“Would you like to have lunch with me?”

He knew that he should say no

That he shouldnt let you in

“Sure”

How harmful could one lunch possibly be

Little did daichi know he was about to be interrogated

“--no i dont know who my favorite superhero is”

This was probably the tenth question youve asked and he wished you would stop

But he didnt know how to tell you no

Not when you were asking genuine questions

He thought it was kind of nice to be talking to someone normal again

Not someone who was involved with the mafia

But someone who was just...ordinary

“Ok ok..one last question”

He smiled softly

You felt your breath hitch after him showing you that gentle smile

“Go ahead”

The way you talked to him with no filter was refreshing

So he wasnt expecting the next question really at all

“I came across an article the other day about this boy who loved playing the piano,”

Daichis heart almost stopped

“Why did you stop playing daichi?”

‘Because my father made me’

He clenched his fist, crumpling the napkin inside of it

“I just got bored of it”

His reply came out through gritted teeth and you knew he was lying

You gently laid your hand on top of his until you felt it relaxing under you

“Well, no matter the reason, I hope that someday ill be lucky enough to hear you play”

His heart melted

The thought of playing again is something hes always wanted

But his father wouldnt let him

And left a permanent reminder on him about it

“That probably wont ever happen so dont get your hopes up. Let’s get back to the office, lunch is over”

And just like that he was back to being cold towards you just when you thought you were making progress

A couple weeks go by and it seems like daichis pushed you out of his life all over again

So much so that suga was the one giving you assignments from daichi where daichi used to just tell you himself

“Hey, hinata, kageyama and y/n! Daichi wants you guys to go make some copies from the store around the corner. Printer is jammed here and we need to get those documents ASAP”

You all nodded your heads and headed out

You were really too caught up in your own thoughts to be thinking about your surroundings

Had you really crossed a line that day?

You just wanted to figure out the real daichi

Because to you, the real daichi had his walls up 24/7 but behind those walls was a gentle smile and just a guy who wanted nothing more than to just live a normal life

So you didnt notice when hinata and kageyama stopped causing you to run into their backs

“Why did you guys-”

Hinata held a protective arm out in front of you

“What are you doing here, mad dog?”

The boy you assumed was ‘mad dog’ pushed himself off of wall he was leaning against

“Boss wanted me to fetch something”

His eyes locked onto your form

“And im here to collect”

This sent chills down your back

What was he going to do for you?

Who was his boss?

Your mind was running a mile a minute

“y/n you need to run”

Hinata’s voice brought you back to reality

“What?”

Hinata’s eyes never left the man in front of him

“Kageyama and i will take care of him. You need to get back to the office. Now!”

You sprinted as soon as hinata yelled for you to leave

‘Theyll be alright, right? They handle stuff like this all the time’

But you came to an abrupt halt at the sound of a gun going off

‘Fuck my life’

You turned back around help in any way you could

Only to come upon an unconscious kageyama and bleeding hinata

“You fucking idiot! Whyd you come back?!”

Meanwhile mad dog approached you and placed his hand under your chin

“You just made my job a whole lot easier”

Before you could even scream a piece of cloth was placed over your mouth and your vision went black

“Give your boss a message for me, carrot top. Tell him that if he wants his intern back he has to come get them himself”

Hinata gritted his teeth before passing out himself

Suga found them not too long after that

And after hinata told daichi what had happened...he was livid

He was supposed to protect you

To make sure that you stayed safe

And he was too weak to do it

Too afraid of what his father would have done if he found out that he was fond of a random person they picked up from the streets that had no ties to them

Afraid of what his father would have done to you

He clenched his jaw and let out a grunt as he punched the wall next to him

But fuck that

He knew that in this moment he needed to get you back right now

The thought of you being injured due to his own incompetence scared him more than what his father might ever do to him

So he was off

“When will they wake up?”

“Theyve been out forever”

“Dude its only been like three hours of course theyre still out”

The voices around you became clear as you regained consciousness

“Oh~ looks like theyre finally awake”

“Yeah probably because you wouldnt shut up”

Standing in front of you was a group of men you had only seen in brief pictures from the reports you made for daichi

‘Seijoh’

From what you remember their boss is a major flirt and his right hand man keeps him humble

Mad dog was sitting off in the corner next to a brown haired man who just kept staring at you…’creepy’

You flinched as the one you recognized as their boss reached a hand out towards you

“Aww dont be scared! I promise i wont hurt you”

He bent down to your level with a hand on your shoulder and leaned in to the point that his breath tickled your ear

“Though im not too sure that some of the others here wont. So be good for me, okay y/n?”

You were scared out of your mind

But you were not going to let this guy get into your head

So you did what any reasonable person would do

You pulled your head back and headbutted him in the forehead

He stumbled back a bit

“Stay the fuck away from me”

Oikawa held his head and gave you a nasty glare

“Iwa take care of them”

Everyone filed out till it was just you and the spiky hair man in front of you

“Nothing against you, just doing what the boss said. Plus you could have just laid low but you had to provoke him”

Daichi wasted no time in getting to seijohs building

And as soon as oikawa heard he was in the building he sent for him

“Welcome daichi! What an unexpected surprise!”

Daichi always hated the sound of oikawas jovial voice

How fake it sounded

“Just give me y/n back”

Oikawa just shook his head 

“Never were a fan of small talk were you daichi? Okay, since youre just dying to see them ill bring them in now”

Daichi turned around and reeled at what he saw

Bruised and battered as you were set down onto the ground

“You fucking bastard”

Daichi clenched his jaw

He was at a loss of words for the sight in front of him

But he knew he had to get you out of here

So he scooped you up into his arms and headed for the door

But before leaving he stopped and spoke into his earpiece

“Get them”

And with that he left as a war ensued between the two gangs

Beep beep

The sound of your heart monitor brought you back to the land of the living

And next to you was a passed out daichi

You slowly felt around your bed before hitting the call button for your nurse

And as soon as you did daichi jumped up from his seat at the sound of footsteps approaching

You reached out and put your hand on his to get his attention and smiled at him

He sat back down and let the nurses tend to you, his gaze never leaving your body

“You should be able to leave within the next day or two. Rest up mx. l/n”

The nurse then left your room and left the two of you alone

You locked eyes with him before looking down at his hand and seeing how discolored it was

He noticed your eyes widen and tried to hide his hand once he realized what you were looking at

“Daichi! You need to take better care of yourself!”

You sat up from your bed and called a nurse to get a basic first aid kit

“Im fine y/n. You need to rest”

“Like hell youre fine! Daichi your hand is hurt. Please just let me fix it for you”

But before you could apply the bandages you hand your hand in his

“It cant be fixed y/n. This hand doesnt feel anything”

You looked up at him with confused eyes

“Its the reason i dont play anymore. My father crushed it a few years back so i wouldnt even think about playing. Said it was time i stopped playing with useless things”

The grip on your hand tightened a bit before slowly loosening

But you just gently squeezed it

“Well, even if your hand is ‘useless’ id still feel better if youd let me wrap it. Your hand is still a part of you and it can still bring so much joy into your life as well as those around you. You just have to have the courage to seize what you want.”

‘The courage to seize what I want’

Your words played out in his head over and over again

He made a promise to himself that day

That one day, you two would be happily together

No matter how hard this path may be

He was going to seize his happiness

Tag List:

@the-ironic-me​ @multisun​ @my-mass-hysteria​ @sugawsites @youbloodylegendyoudidit @sinthxy​ @celamoon​ @tinymouth @fait-de-fleurs​ @tsukifanbase​ @69owo​ @laglyssage​ @hearteyeskags​ @ntngann​ @shnnn​ @fukuro-dani-ace​

[cassyapper]

OKAY IVE ACTUALLY PLAYED TWO SESSIONS SINCE MY LAST POST SO IM GONNA COMBINE THEM HERE SORRY FOR THE LENGTH BUT,,IVE COME SO FAR I DONT WANNA STOP NOW

this is gonna be very messy cause i WILL be jumping back and forth as things come back to mind so uhh pls enjoy this absolute ramble <3

anyway. i continued playing omori and boy do i have some Thoughts

so first session; i went through the pyre(something i forgot the full name sob) forest/sprout mole village/sweetheart’s castle in one go and let me TELL YOU. DOING THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE I WENT NUTS holy shit.

so anyway.

pyre forest!!!! the lil race against the big spider coming after u for disturbing the smaller spiders mechanic was very fun i had a lot of fun figuring out the best routes to take. i know normally mechanics like that lead to ppl getting frustrated cause u have to keep retrying but i had a lot of fun!!!! sum annoyance but good natured type, th kind that just makes u try harder u know? i just enjoyed it JKFN;FN; candles in the foggy forest....now That is an aesthetic

the rare bear scared the fuckin shit out of me i remember it didn’t attack me straight away so i was like “aw (:” but then when i press x on him it takes me to a BATTLE SCREEN AND SUDDEN THAT MF IS TERRIFYING I WAS LIKE WHWHWHWHWKJDNJ. very funny i honestly wished i recorded my reaction

also omori is afraid of drowning...................................i am breathing heavily. i think whatever happened to mari is related to at least one of the things omori is scared of. so either heights, spiders, or drowning it seems. spiders doesnt seem super likely as a contributor to her death, and while falling from a height is more realistic, such a senseless way of dying doesnt seem to rlly fit ? with the vibe i get from the kiddos in the real world. which makes me think maybe drowning/otherwise suffocating is how she died...but we’ll see. also due to the forgotten library part, we know omori explicitly feared spiders/drowning before mari died so it’s also probable im jus talking out my ass here but still,,,,thoughts

also this motherfucker?

literally fucking terrifying. IT’S BODY IS MADE OF SUCC’D SPROUT MOLES...i still have no idea what exactly it was doing to them but jesus h christ!!!! evil and fucked up. do not feel bad for curbstomping it

sprout mole village!!!! very cute, im v excited to send that one dude his brother’s care package. i like how, when theyre not lost, sprout moles can be real endearing lil guys,,,theyre not my fav lil enemies but (:

also for some reason omori is the first game ive played where i really care about getting achievements ? so i literally did the back and forth on my save file just to get all the season sprout mole achievements JKDJFJ;. i ended up sticking w spring tho before moving on for real cause spring is my fav season irl (:

also i felt SO BAD for cutting down that one sprout mole’s chistmas tree he was just trying to celebrate but i wanted to see that present and coincidentally becoming a christmas ruiner was an achievement so all’s fair in love and war i suppose

ALSO. th fuckin plant monster thing under the scientist sprout mole’s room. major little shop of horror vibes from the design, absolutely adored it!!!!! originally i did  just cut the wire holding the piano over it, ending it in one go, but i was very curious abt it so i reloaded a save file to actually fight it and

i know it only spread that gas to make the kiddos happy cause being happy reduces attack i think ? it decreases attack/defense but seeing the kiddos smile so much was nice (:

however

omori...sunny....son boy.........u good ?

and now. sweetheart

the way the sprout moles completely adore and depend on sweetheart gives me such awful evil vibes and combined with such a luxurious background was fucking incredible

sweetheart herself, speaking of. bitch (sorta affectionately, certainly not derogatory)

i talked to every sprout mole in the audience before taking my seat and i literally dont know why. even when i picked up the pattern of where the unique dialogue could be found (usually the sprout moles farthest right) i still talked to all of them......just in case ? i have no idea. i dont know why i did that. i feel it’s important that i note it tho

LMAO SO WHEN SPROUT MOLE MIKE DID THE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR YE OLD SPROUT MOLE

I LITERALLY FELT SO FUCKING BAD LMAO I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD NO!!!!!! I DID THAT!!! I KILLED HIM!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WONDER HOW AWKWARD OMORI KEL HERO AND AUBREY FELT IN THE AUDIENCE HOLY SHIT THEY HAD FRONT ROW SEATS TO SPROUT MOLE MIKE’S MOURNING!!! MY GOD FJKFN;;

also sprout mole mike describing 3′7″ inches as ”towering” was the FUNNIEST shit i have ever seen. also i have to wonder, since sweetheart made up the whole show of sweetheart’s quest for hearts in the first place, if she was seriously down to marry a sprout mole if one suited her fancy. jus v funny to me honestly. SPEAKING of sweetheart’s dating patterns I NOTICED THOSE FEM SKELETONS IN THE DUNGEON!!!!! BI SWEETHEART!!!! SHE’S JUST AS DOWN FOR GIRLS AS SHE IS BOYS

i know TECHNICALLY not everyone is in the dungeon for failing to be a good enough suitor but STILL...COME ON. THIS WAS BEFORE WE KNEW THAT. SWEETHEART BI I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

anyway

when the lights when out and lightning struck the third contestant, i knew Immediately something was gonna go down. and when the mustache sprout mole was like “oh yes!! u!! in the striped pjs!! u absolute beast ur perfect!!!” i KNEW hero had just been selected as the replacement i was goign completely fucking nuts i was like OH MY GODNFNG; HIS HEART IS ALREADY TAKEN BY MARI!!!!!!! STOP

i ended up taking so many screenshots during this part cause i was going feral so here take a glance just cause i love, uh, hero

OUR HERO IN SHINING ARMOR DJLBH;KFJB

also GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IM SHORTER THAN HERO

hero shaking on the stage when he was introduced...oh my HEART....IM SO FOND FOR THIS BOY WTF!!!!! DKJDN;N

this is not really NEWS to me since it’s implied hero is tall but like come ON..... sorry just every time i find out a character is explicitly taller than me i need to huff about it, moving on,

HERO FUCKS

sorry i just have so many screenshorts during this aprt cause i was going fucking crazy but

literally terrifying! sweetheart bathes in that shit!! christ!

is blood good for ur skin? i imagine, so long as like...gore isnt in it and it’s solely blood it cant be BAD necessarily......but good ? regardless very fucked up. besides the fact that well, uh, BLOOD, blood is also sticky as hell. ur telling me sweetheart willinglhy bathed in that shit? disgusting. at least thin it out

anyway I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THE PUZZLES AT SWEETHEART’S CASTLE....FROM THE DUNGEONS TO THE KITCHENS TO THE BALLROOM TO THE LIBRARY TO THE GARDENS JUST EVERYTHING!!!! IT WAS SO FUN I ENJOYED FIGURING IT OUT SO MUCH IT WAS LITERALLY DELIGHTFUL...I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH THE GAMEPLAY IS SO FUCKING EPIC I LITERALLY HAVE SO MUJCH FUN.......OH MY GOD I JUST. INCREIDBLE!!!! FUCK

also the lil sir maximus bit.........i honestly felt really awful over having to kill them ): i think i even tried running once but it wouldnt let me...it hurt man ): they were just a family....

um but anyway,

i think it was rlly sweet how aubrey protested to the wedding cause she was worried abt sweetheart,,,like i cant rlly explain it idk how to put it into words,,like sweetheart is clearly not mentally well and having an episode, and aubrey being the only one to say “hey what ur doing is self-destructive and isolating” just mmmh. she cares a lot,,,and *i* care aubrey

also sweetheart’s battle theme fucking SLAPPED...SO GODDAMN HARD IM STILL QUAKING OVER IT....FUCKING BANGER YO!!!!!! INCREDIBLE

ah but alas

BASIL........I NOTICED THAT IT WAS HIS GHOST/SHADOW DURING THE EXIT FROM OTHERWORLD AS WELL BUT JUST FUCK

im so worried about basil ):

and it being so obvious that none of the others can see...........them asking omori if he’s okay.....oh my god. i go nuts

and then...the forgotten library part

i literally cried, again, oh my fucking god

these kids loved each other so much they ADORED the time they spent with each other and im QUAKING to know WHAT HAPPENED TO MARI......HOW DID THE FALLOUT GO. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

i know there are multiple endings to this game and on god i am not QUITTING until i get the happiest ending there is for these kids im literally a goddamn fuckign mess oh my god

MARI SHWOING UP IN THE LIBRARY AT ONE POINT AND LEADING OMORI...........IM LTIERALLY GOIGN INSANE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH HE’S SO CLEARLY LOST WITHOUT HER I CANT FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

GOD

okay sorry i just. ive said ti before but the grief in this game is so real and palpable and it aches, it aches so bad. also the white egret orchids in the library...i see u

but regardless.... session two real world electric boogaloo

LOVE that kel is like “so i need to run errands but u wanna come with me right? of course u do!” like fuck i rlly do. kel is just so delightful i would literally do anything to spend time with him

ALSO i noticed u can just refuse to open the door both times kel’s knocked now and it makes me wonder....if u could choose to ignore kel ? and then venture out urself or just ? i wonder what would even happen if u chose to not open the door. im CERTAINLY not doing it myself at the very least not this playthrough but i am curious...i bet that’s how u get a bad ending, by not talking w kel

but anyway....

aubrey and her gang not saying anything in the pizza parlor........i jus think abt that is all

ALSO!! pet rocks!!!!!!!!! LOVE this lil thing it’s so cute. jus rock paper scissors it babey

speaking of lil bits, love all the mini quests in the real world...it’s just rlly fun and builds up this cute lil town........it also makes me think that whatever happened to mari cant have been anything except an accident, bc no one comments on what a tragedy it was to omori. like if it was murder, there’s no way such a horrific situation wouldnt engulf the town for a bit and sweep over it for weeks at least, but that just doesnt seem to have happened. this is def me reading too into it tho;; point is neighbors nice (: also i got the seashell necklace and i go apeshit

ALSO......THE FUCKING...........CHURCH. I VISITED WITH KEL ON A COMPLETE WHIM CAUSE I WAS CURIOUS IF THE PASTOR WOULD TALK MORE ABT AUBREY BUT NO. INSTEAD HE TALKS ABT THE WEIRD VIBE FORM THE GRAVEYARD HE’S GETTING!!! AND THE DUDE WHO CHILLS IN THE GRAVEYARD SAYS SHIT ABT THE SPIRITS GETTING READY FOR SOMEONE TO JOIN THEM!!!! BITCH WAHT THE FUCK

THERE’S NOF UCKING WAY THIS ISNT ABOUT BASIL. THERE IS NO!!! WAY!!!! I SWEAR ON GOD IF BASIL DIES I WILL LOSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESP CAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY HE COULD DIE EXCEPT SUICIDE THAT’S WHAT IT HAS BEEN IMPLYING OVER AND OVER I GO NUTS I GO APESHIT NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

OKAY SORRY I JUST. HHHHHHHHHHH

baby has acquired baby

kel’s family is rlly cute,,,,v heartwarming. i trust them

i do worry abt like...the stark difference between recognizing kel’s accomplishments and hero’s...i just idk. i just keep thinking abt that bit in kel’s story abt hero’s depression when his parents focused on hero and ignored him, and i just. kel’s family is good People but i worry if kel has a good support system...i jus........): i am watching

ahh THE BASIL MISSING PART MADE MY HEART LITERALLY FUCKING DROP..I WAS SO FUCKING PANICKED I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD THIS IS IT BASIL IS DEAD

THANKFULLY HE WASNT BUT HOLY GOD HOW THAT WHOLE SITUATION PANNED OUT MADE ME GO NUTS!!!!!!! BASIL...AUBREY...HER GANG.......FUCK OH M YOGD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

THANK G O D I SNOOPED AROUND KEL’S HOUSE BEFORE LEAVING I WOULD HAVE H A T E D TO FIGHT THEM ALL AT ONCE IM GLAD I WAS ABLE TO JUST PEPPER SPRAY THEM JESUS CHRIST

oh my god kim like asking for aubrey all concerned before deciding to trust her and leaving.....kim i diagnose u with lesbain

the whole fucking. basil almost drowning scene. i seriously feel like ive changed like as a person over it. i am thinking . i am thinking. i am only evee thinking about mari and how omori just loved her so much and how the thought of her gave him strength. th pic of her ghost holding omori’s hand in the water made me cry

MMMM BUT. HERO!!!

I DIE I DIE I DIE HE’S SO PRETTY FUCK ALSO HIM PICKING UP BASIL WOOOOOOOO THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT YEAHHHHHHHH

god i feel so bad about leaving aubrey tho. shes so clearly not okay and she so clearly did not mean to push basil in and oh my GOD I JUST...PLEASE....PLEASE CAN WE JUST TLAK TO HER I NEED TO TLAK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO FUCK

the ghosts of omori and aubrey on the swings made me cry out like i had been physically assaulted

AHH BUT THEN TAKING BASIL HOME AND WHILE HE’S IN HIS BED HE JUST SAYS “oh sunny...there’s not way out of this...is there?” I LITERALLY GO BUCKWILD APESHIT INSANE STUPDI!!!!!! BASIL YOURE PUTTING UP A LOT OF ALARMING FLAGS HERE!!! PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK. CHRIST. HELL. SHIT. THIS GAME IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY

GOD

oh my god but the day ending with hero and kel sleeping over at omori’s house...im kdnd im jkdim im not uhm okay THEY BUILT A BLANKET FORT PLEASE..I LOVE THEM

goddd hero going into the piano room....playing sum........and then asking omori abt the song he and mari used to play on violin...and then THE TITLE SCREEN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING....HI. HI HELLO HI YOU CANT FUCKIGN DO THAT HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUFBJFGJNGN;EJNE; IM GOIGN NUTS

also the name omori comes from the piano.............interesting...i wonder why sunny likes being called omori in the dreamscape...

god but omori not having a srs hallucination cause he’s w his friends and he feels safe...im gonna sob

However. i did glance into the bathroom mirror. AND INSTEAD OF THE EYE MF IT’S A DISTORTED AS HELL GHOST MARI???IM SO FUCKIGN SCARED. IM SO SCARED. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK? CREEPY AS HELL!!!

ohh my god this GAME

so finally i ended up in whitespace again. do NOT like that omori is completely alone in the world!!! what the FUCK!!!!!!!! I AM SO SCARED AT ALL TIMES. im literally about to go play sum more tho after dinner so i will see what happens. god i jsut......this game is so fucking good it has me by the balls dude. SO glad i decided to play it bruh

anyway thanks for reading all of this if u did, it’s an absolute monster ik and ur a real one

[violasmirabiles]

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you want to know better.

i got tagged by @ruskatuska which i somehow forgot to mention first jesus christ why am i like this

1. Name/Nicknames: ali

2. Gender: who tf knows

3. Star Sign: aries

4. Height: 160cm

5. Time: gonna be 1pm in a bit

6. Birthday: march 26 so yall still have time to get me presents 

7. Favourite Band: pink floyd and wigwam are my go to bands to put here but really there are So Many

8. Favourite Solo Artist: also So Many but bowie and kate bush are safe choices

9. Song Stuck in My Head: rufus wainwright - cigarettes and chocolate milk

10. Last Movie: it chapter two

11. Last Show: uhh. god i dont know. 

12. When I Created This Blog: late 2011. like late november, early december. i know it was before i saw paul mccartney in helsinki and that was on dec 12 2011

13. What I Post: whatever fandom shit im into at any given time, bands/artists/music i like, whatever pretty and or interesting and or funny catches my eye. just posted a selfie, i do some of those. some text posts. i do use this blog to vent and i do have a shit brain so yeah

14. Last Thing I Googled: the model of my vacuum cleaner so i could find the right kind of filters i need for it lol

15. Other Blogs: @ihmekukkavesi for my photography, @shineondoc for university hell with some stephen king peppered in there. but it like. its relevant

16. Do I get asks?: sometimes. not super often. but like, i dont reblog those ask memes very often and the one good update this piece of shit website ever did is the chat system so thats good

17. Why I Chose My URL: i mean i wanted something related to my name (it is, trust me), coulda been another species but this one can also be a sneaky reference to a character from a thing im into so . yeah lol. also aesthetic. i mean it looks cool. pretty.

18. Following: a lot of people, many of whom arent active anymore but i keep following them anyway because what if they come back one day

19. Followers: a little under 2300

20. Average Hours of Sleep: eight-ish so thats good

21. Lucky Number: dont really have one of those but if a number is even OR divisible by 5 its a good number. i like 12 more than 10

22. Instruments: i have a 20-year-old shitty electric piano my dad gave me when he needed room for a newer, better electric piano. only in my current place i dont really have enough room for it even though i need it to practice choir stuff independently and just like having it because sometimes i just like to fuck around with it yknow? not calling myself good cos im not im super out of practice cos ive never been diligent abt that sorta thing but i can accompany myself and thats enough. so i keep it under my bed, not the best place, and practice on the fucking floor. cant even use pedals that way and that sucks ass. one day i will move to a bigger apartment and set it up again. i also have a baby blue ukulele with a picture of jack nicholson as jack torrance doing his heres johnny face taped on it. i got it in 2019 from my brother and his girlfriend as a christmas gift and was doing my ba thesis at the time, which i think a lot of the people who follow me know was about the shining. also also i can play guitar and bass but am not excellent at either because i never practice either of those and have neither in my apartment. and i never practice the ukulele either so even though i know a few chords i fucking suck. maybe someday.

23. What I Am Wearing: black leggings. black shirt. one black sock and one white one

24. Dream Job: i want to be able to write in some capacity and get paid for it but thats all i know and if i think too hard on it ill work myself up and wont be able to sleep so im gonna leave it at that  

25. Dream Trip: right now i just want to be able to visit my True Home Town which is not this piece of this place where i live and study and also happened to be born in

26. Favourite Food: yeah. not olives

27. Nationality: finnish

28. Favourite Song: feel like this woulda been more appropriate with the other music/art questions but hey whatever. also how the fuck am i supposed to have a favorite song when so many different gems exist. go listen to the musical box by genesis though it fucks me up every time i dont care what it does to you

29. Last Book I Read: still working on white noise by don delillo im fuckin slow i didnt use to be this slow

30. Top 3 fictional universes I would love to live in: the one where i can fucking FUNCTION, the one where i can Fucking Function and am also some sort of professional™ writer™ , and uhh. yeah idk

im gonna tag @panwriter, @appelssiini, @stokoetopia, @slip-sliding-away and @kukkahattumursu but no pressure or anything no ones gotta do this if they dont feel like it

[bloodlaurels]

any willton hcs?

wrote whatever came to my mind a chunk of that is in a silly thing i’m writing because no one else is

ok so my favourite is that after some time frederick picks up some of will’s dressing habits (flannels, sweaters etc) but it’s still elevated. so it’s really nice flannels and really nice sweaters

(this is because i actually really like how will looked pre-yakimono i am a cabincore dyke and flannel will is my favourite)

frederick really likes cats so he takes some from the shelter and after they start living together their home is a fucking zoo

they’re both (ex)bachelors who had lived alone for most of their lives but will is shit at cooking. he is not very picky and can eat beans for days but frederick has taught himself to cook really well while in college. it’s not gourmet but it’s very homey and tastes good. makes will feel good and safe

before they started living together will’s house felt very sad and lonely. frederick, whose secret guilty pleasures are the property brothers and extreme makeover home edition brought a bit of life into it and now it feels more like a home and not a dog house/storage unit

they’re both very embarrassed about calling each other ‘boyfriend’ because what, are we sixteen? this is cringy and immature so they end up doing the ‘this is my uh hm uhh my hh will/frederick’ thing a lot

both protective of each other and will call out others if they’re talking shit about the other

had a long time actually getting close and letting their guard down. will despite being an empath boy wonder had a lot of prejudices against frederick and at some point realized that some of him being an insufferable cunt was defence mechanisms (dont get me wrong some of it was just him being an insufferable cunt). once they did realize that the other is maybe deeper than social climbing awkward douchebag/a fun project and saw each other as complex humans they understood that they’re not that different and got along well

sure they needed to work on themselves because both were arrogant assholes

i don’t know where i start to diverge from canon for these two actually lmao. it’s whatever the fic i’m reading tells me

but you know what would be fun? will going to the fbi with frederick and stopping miriam that would be fun indeed but i am yet to find a fic taking that approach

both unbelievably repressed. pda is nonexistent for a very long time even when people know they’re together

and because i’m like that and i like when people are friends. i really like the thought of them being friends with price, zeller and bev. also frederick being besties with margot. and friends with freddie. everyone notices that they’ve been a surprisingly good influence on each other

in general they’re very mature with all of this and both being sort of psychiatrists if they hit any bumps they can work it out very well

frederick is often very anxious and literally just needs constant reassuring and will gets that and is able to give it to him and tell him that yes, i do care about you and i forgive you and i love you and you’re good enough

oh and about the home renovation thing. remember the sad broken piano in will’s house? frederick can play that thing and he got it repaired so sometimes he does little private concerts

and he likes to listen to music when he cooks and sometimes will joins in on the dancing and they’ve definitely almost burnt something while distracted

[hopeaterart]

The shittiest family reunion in the history of ever: Chapter 4

Sadao vs Devo.

Aka Imagine being a professional assassin and Stand User since birth and getting your ass kicked by a 152 cm (Just a bit shorter than five ft) tall, slightly underweight, Standless 48 years old man who hasn’t gotten in a fight in over twenty years.

Noriaki slowly made his way through the house, supporting himself on a wall and occasionally wincing in pain at his wounds. He continued taking deep breaths, thinking of how he needed to get out of this house fast. He didn’t want to be around when Dio’s men came to collect their heads-

And he just stumbled into the kitchen. Kujo Jotaro was sitting here, sitting in a tank top and shorts while he ate the ungodly amount of pancakes on his plate, and his father Sadao was currently making coffee, standing in his pajams with his long hair up in a bun. The shorter man turned toward him. “Oh. Kakyoin-san. Hungry?”

“I... uh...” The teen decided to nod, coming to sit down and trying not to let his pain show. Sadao nodded back, taking a plate out of the cupboards and, setting a few pancakes on it, and giving it to the redhead along with utensils. “Th- thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” The shorter man reassured him, before pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Jotaro, do you want some?” His son nodded, his mouth full with pancakes. Sadao nodded back, pouring another cup of coffee and putting some sugar and milk in it before giving it to the teenager. “There you go.”

Jotaro swallowed, taking the cup of coffee. “Thanks, old man.” Sadao nodded.

“Are either of you panning on going to school today?” He asked. “I know it’s just a half-day today, but... well, Jotaro, you came back early, and Kakyoin-san, you spent your afternoon trying to kill us.” Noriaki winced. “Sorry.”

“Fuck that.” Jotaro muttered. “I’m gonna stay here with Kakyoin to figure out whatever this... Stand thingy is.”

“And I’d rather avoid people for now.” The redhead admitted. “My face hurts...” he then added in a small voice. There was some movement out of the corner of his eyes, and two bags of frozen vegetable slid across the table to him. “Uh?”

“For your black eye and broken rib.” Sadao explained. Noriaki hummed in understanding, taking one of the packs and applying it to the bruised side of his face.

“Thank y-”

“Stop thanking me for basic decency.” Sadao cut him off, frowning in confusion. Noriaki blinked, then nodded, averting his eyes from the shorter man and landing on Jotaro instead. Who was looking at him.

He frowned. “What?”

“Are you gonna eat your breakfast, or...?” The taller teenager asked Noriaki, who turned toward his plate. A few seconds passed, before he put down the frozen bag and took the utensils in hand, cutting into the pancakes before bringing up a piece to his mouth.

The redhead immediately lightened up, humming in pleased surprise at how good the pancake was. He quickly ate the rest, Jotaro and Sadao watching him intently. He slowly slowed down, his self-consciousness catching up to him. “Sorry.”

Sadao frowned. “What are you apologizing for? You need the food.”

“Yeah...” Jotaro started awkwardly, looking off to the side and avoiding eye contact. “I’m the one who carried you to the bathroom, and you’re light as shit. So eat up.” Noriaki blinked, before turning back toward his plate and eating what was left on it.

“Thank you for the meal.” He said as he finished it, Sadao nodding in satisfaction.

“You’ll tell Holly that when she comes back, ‘kay?” The older man asked him, the redhead nodding in acknowledgement as he continued eating breakfast.

“Where did mom go, by the way?”

“Your uncle told her he’d be there as soon as possible, so she went to pick him up at the airport.” Sadao reassured Jotaro, sitting down at the table and sipping on his coffee. “Where are you two planning to... do whatever?”

Jotaro blinked at his father slowly as Noriaki choked on his food at the wording. “Don’t- don’t put it like that.”

“What’s wrong with the way I put it- oh.” Sadao looked off to the side. “Okay, yeah, I see it now- I mean, if you’re into guys it’s okay, your mom will still love you and I... kind of don’t care, but I meant the whole evil spirit business.” Noriaki frowned in confusion as Jotaro pulled a face.

“Evil spirit? Do you mean Stands?” Noriaki asked only to be promptly ignored.

“Yeah, we’re gonna go in the backyard.” Jotaro answered his father before turning toward the redhead. “Finish eating, then follow me.” Noriaki stared at the taller teenager for a moment, before sighing. It’s the least he owed them.

-

Sadao entered his office, tying his hair up in a high ponytail as he neared his piano, a half-done music partition on it. He sat down, fingers gently splaying over the keys as he looked over the sheet, frowning. He had the bones of the melody, but that was it. He cracked his knuckles and gently brought them to the keys, playing the notes, music filling the room for a few seconds.

He opened his eyes, turning toward the closet in the room. “You know,” he started, turning around on his seat. “I usually don’t mind having an audience, but I do prefer it when they’re not spying on me.” He narrowed his eyes, getting up and opening one of the drawers in his desk.

He heard the door of his closet open, and turned back around as he closed the drawer, pocket knife in hand. There was now a heavily scared man hunched over, long black hair covering his face. He turned toward Sadao, raising an eyebrow. “How did you know I was in the closet?”

Sadao raised an unimpressed eyebrow, gesturing at the boxes on the floor. “Those were inside of my closet,” he then pointed the opened chain lock. “I keep my closet locked at all times,” and he picked up the doll on his desk. “And that wasn’t there before.” He put the doll back on the desk, glaring at the man. “Now, get the fuck out of my house.”

The man just laughed, infuriating the shorter one further. “And who are you to order me around?”

“The guy who 1) owns the house and 2) got a knife.” Sadao snapped back. “So why don’t you just get out without starting any shit before I make your face look even worse, hm? I mean shit, you look like you throw yourself out of glass windows on a regular basis.”

The man simply laughed further. “You? Hurt me? You’re just a little man without a Stand, what could you possibly do- AUGH!” CRACK! Sadao had reacted faster than lightning, his free hand taking a hold of his nose and twisting, the sickening noise of bones and cartilage breaking resonating in the room.

Sadao used his hold on the stranger’s face to throw him over his desk, before jumping on his back, wrapping his legs around his torso, took a fistful of his hair and bashed his head in on said desk. “I might be small and not have an evil spirit following me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fuck your shit up!”

“Get off of me, you-!” The man screamed, reaching at his back, one hand taking a hold of Sadao’s hair. The lighter man gave a shout of his own before biting at his shoulder, feeling blood in his mouth. One of his hand came up to hold the arm in place, the other one stabbing in the shoulder.

The enemy let go with a shout, and Sadao moved his legs so he was able to kick him away. The man now had his back turned to the open door, usually open when Sadao was in his office. He suddenly started giggling, confusing Sadao further. “What’s so funny?”

“You fool!” The man suddenly exclaimed! “How dare you do this to me!? Now, now I can hold a grudge against you!” He laughed further, Sadao backing away for a moment, disturbed. “It hurts! It really hurts! Curse you... how dare you! How dare you do tha-”

The shorter man grit his teeth just as he started advancing again. “Alright... so now, for the last time...” His leg suddenly shot up, knee connecting with the guy’s junk and making him scream in pain just as Sadao’s face switched from frustration to pure rage that wouldn’t be out of place on his son’s face. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!” He then kicked him in the face, sending him flying backward into the corridor just as Sadao slammed the door to his office closed.

He then felt a pain in his calf. He looked down, a cut that wasn’t there before bleeding abundantly. He tch-ed under his breath, heading for his closet, taking out the first aid kit he kept in there to bandage his wound as he texted Jotaro about this recent .

u and kakyoin stay caerful

*careful

some crazy dude broke int he house

i dont want u 2 to get hurt

*in the

Got it Sadao

Sadao sighed, his elbows hitting the desk as he sighed. He turned toward the doll on it, frowning. He’d have to find a way to get rid of it. Maybe give it to Yuichi? He was into that kind of creepy stuff, with it’s worn down wooden texture, weird red gems encrusted in it and beady green eyes-

Wait.

It’s eyes weren’t open before.

And sure as heel didn’t have a creepy smile with pointy teeth.

Before it could do anything, however, Sadao threw it far away from him. The doll landed on the wall with a heavy sound and a pained yell, which confirmed his suspicion of fucking haunted. He grabbed the closest object he could easily swing (a spare microphone stand in the closet) and pointed it in the direction of the doll, a string of profanities leaving his mouth.

[How dare you!] The doll suddenly suddenly screeched, getting up and waving what looked like a very sharp object at Sadao. [How dare you destroy one of my shoulders!]

“... Oh, what the fuck.”

[At least, you gave me enough of a grudge to- ACK!” The doll was cut off by Sadao as he wacked it on the head with pole, the sound of metal hitting wood echoing in the room.

“I said GET OUT!” The japanese man yelled, attempting to hit the doll again, this time to no avail as it dodged it. The doll then proceeded to jump onto the improvised staff, cackling all the while as it ran up it. Sadao screamed in surprise, but was able to dodge at the last second, ending up with a cut on his cheek rather than wound in his forehead.

The doll cackled further, dashing at Sadao's side and cutting into his hip, the short man yelping in pain and surprise as he jumped out the way. [Are you really planning on defeating me with a random metal pole you found in your closet!? You'd be better off twisting yourself on it!]

"And you," Sadao hissed, "would be better off if you never came here in the first place!" He then threw the stand at the doll, knocking it on the ground. The staff then flied off in the air for a few seconds, before landing onto it. Sadao then calmly walked to it, taking a hold of it's throat. "Now, time to get rid of you."

The doll looked at him for a few seconds, before smiling creepily. It then bit him, making him let go with a yelp as it laughed, running toward the door. [You fool! You think a Standless user like you can hurt me!? Once I'm done with the brats, I'm going to kill you!]

Brats?

Jotaro.

Sadao gasped in realization, before feeling rage overpower him as he ran toward the doll in the corridor, jumping onto it. He took it's head in one hand, it's neck in the other one, ans twisted.

“KUTABARE!” Sadao screeched as he wrenched the doll’s head from it’s neck. It’s shortly after that he heard two screams. He ran toward the source, only to stumble upon Jotaro and Kakyoin in the kitchen, screaming their heads off. In the air, the headless body of the man he had been fighting was suspended, and his head had rolled not too far away.

And it is with a strange sense of numbness and a complete lack of regret, that Sadao realized that he just killed a man.

The door suddenly opened. “Boys, I’m baaa...” Holly trailed off, the scene of the two screaming teenagers, the headless body floating between green strings, and her frazzled and wounded husband looking at her like a deer in headlights.

“Alright sis, I’ll admit it.” The man behind her started, pushing his sunglasses up to his forehead to reveal beautiful blue eyes. “You weren’t kidding when you said you guys were in one bizarre situation.”

[lifesruiner]

three times Ricky made Nini jealous, and one he didn't

So now I am watching hsmtmts and i’ve grown fond of these two and I wrote one thing and i hope i dont drop it and let it die like i always do and continue writing more shit or whatever hehehe anyways hope you enjoy 

A/N: So after 1x06 when Ricky actually made Nini jealous three times (smh) I came up with this, hope you enjoyed and any feedback is well recieved. as always, a mess, not proofreading sorry

1/

"Okay, so I need volunteers for cleaning all this mess, I see two rising hands?" Miss Jenn said looking over the group of teenagers who just finished painting the scenography for their play, they all had their face down avoiding eye contact "Mhh Troy and stage manager, thank you very much, the rest go clean yourself I don't want you late to class and Mr Mazzara come with his annoyance" Miss Jenn said dismissing all the class, but Ricky cursed to himself, why all the shitty things happened to him? What kind of curse did he have on him?

"Aww, I was just about to volunteer but you won me, so good luck" Nini teased him, while cleaning her hands with a tissue

"You can still do it, and I can go to do anything but that" Ricky answers back, he was happy the tension between them was disappearing slowly

"Nah, I think I'll pass, maybe next time" She joked throwing the tissue softly at him, and he catch it with a tight smile knowing that was her cue of exit

"At least I have you to make this less painfully" Ricky told his best friend who was walking towards him

"Bro, I really cant be late to Mr Mazzara, he is gonna send me to summer school if I get another D" Big Red concern was all over his face and Ricky knew he wasn't lying

"I can help" Gina stood from behind them

"Is it for real or is a mean joke?" Ricky asked him causing her to roll her eyes

"I'm not so heartless to make him go to summer school and you cleaning all this alone" Gina bickered back and Ricky chuckled knowing that she was actually a softie deep down

"Gina I owe you my life" Big Red said holding her by her shoulders

"So don't really owe me much eh?" She joked and Ricky laugh, he was more used to her kinda dark sense of humor "I'm joking" she clarified after seeing Big Red's pout "I'll charge you a sub someday, now hurry to class" and with that Big Red disappeared from their sight

"You are actually super sweet when you want to" Ricky said while starting to picking up some paint buckets

"I know I am a sweetheart, plus, Big Red could chat anyone with those huge puppy eyes"

"Is that or you just wanted some time alone with the Rickster?" Ricky teased and she laughed alone

"Please call yourself that way again, but let me record you now" Gina said without stoping her laugh

"Nah, that was a once in a life time opportunity and now it's gone, puff" He mimicked something flying away with his hand "And I'll take your silence as a yes"

"In your dreams Rickster" Gina joked pushing softly a bucket toward him, but hard enough that some drops splashed and crashed to his face, they both opened their mouths in surprise

"I'm so sorry" Gina said covering her mouth with her hands to cover her laugh

"You didn't" Ricky said shocked while Gina kept apologizing "You know what that means right?"

He said and Gina opened her eyes big in surprise "Ricky no!"

"Ricky yes!" He said pressing his fingertips covered in paint in one of her cheeks

"This is war Bowens" Gina said and they both started chasing one and another trying to paint eachother the most they could, then they felt someone clearing their throat at the entrance

"Nini!" Ricky exclaimed leaving his bucket on the floor and stopping immediately

"I forgot my cellphone here" She said crossing the classroom towards the piano to pick it up, once she put it in her backpack she stared walking towards the exit when she stopped suddenly "By the way, this seems exactly the opposite as tiding things up, I don't think Miss Jenn would agree with this"

"We were jus about to-" Ricky started saying but was interrupted

"I don't care Ricky, as I already told you, you do you" And with that Nini walked out of the room.

2/

"So what do you think?" Ricky asked Nini enthusiastic, all the theater kids were having lunch together chatting about the play

"I think it's really really good idea actually" Nini said and Ricky almost jumped out of his skin

"So we can see at my house and practice the second act tomorrow afternoon?" Ricky asked, his eyes were shining bright and for one moment Nini wanted to stare at them forever

"Actually, I have a play date with grandma and my moms, but what about the following day?"

"Yes perfect" Rocky agreed happily but suddenly felt a soft elbow on his ribs

"Hmm Ricky, remember that we already made plans for that day?" Gina day softly but loud enough for Nini to hear

"Oh god, I totally forgot it, I am so sorry" Ricky was looking between the two of them apologetic and that pissed Nini off, how was possible he didn't choose her over Gina, they barely knew each other for a couple of weeks, doubts were painted all over Ricky face

"It's okay, forget it, I practice my stuff on my own and you on your own and then we see here" Nini said collecting here things fast

"No wait, Nini that's not the idea" Ricky was pouting, Nini could have just smack her lips against his in that moment if she wasn't so mad

"I don't wanna ruin your plans with your..." Nini said looking at Gina from head to toe "friend" And then walked off the table with Kourtney following her close

3/

When Nini entered the room she could saw immediately that something was off with Ricky, she sat next to him "Hey" she bumped his shoulder softly with hers

"Hi" He gave her a sincere smile, thought not one of those characteristic Ricky's smile that could light up the entire room

"I wanna ask if you are okay, but I know you aren't, so I just wanna tell you that no matter how the things are between us, you can always, and I mean ALWAYS can count on me" Nini almost whispered so only he could hear and his smile started to become brighter and brighter

"It still amaze me how you can still know what's up with me better than anyone" He said and Nini's heart skipped a beat when he was looking at her with those huge puppy eyes, she just nodded and held his hand over the table

"Hey, sorry to interrupt, you left this at my house" Gina said giving Ricky his hoodie back, when Nini recognized the situation she took her hand off of his immediately

"You stayed at hers?" Nini asked with her mouth open, Ricky saw she was hurt somehow

"My couch obviously, it's not what you are thinking" Gina was fast to answer

"I am thinking that you needed someone and instead of coming to me like you always used to, you went to her Ricky!" Nini exclaimed offended

"Oh okay, it's exactly what you are thinking then" Gina answered jokinglyback and both Ricky and Nini shoot her with their eyes

"It's just that I was talking to her when the shit went down at home and she invited me over" Ricky was fast yo defend himself

"No, don't explain me, you don't owe me shit" Nini nodded, hurt painted all over her face "After this I know we are not even friends as I thought so keep your explanations to yourself and your new best friend or whatever" She said picking up her backpack and walking off the classroom

"Nini wait please!" Ricky begged

"Fuck off Bowens" She has never called Ricky by his last name, it's like she wanted for him to be an stranger, she really wished that

+1/

He knew where he would find her, he entered to the empty theater where she always went to play with the piano when she was feeling down. He made her feel down and he was hating himself for that.

"Hey" He greeted her softly, she looked up at him with her eyebrows furrowed

"Leave me alone" She said focusing back at the piano

"I tried Nini, I really tried to do it and now you are mad at me" He said giving some steps towards here but she ignored him "Nini I tried to be always there, I entered drama club, I did everything to be Troy and spend time with you and that made you mad, then I thought some space would be enough for you to think more about us and see that we are destined to be together but it also made you mad! Please Nini tell me what to do because this is driving me crazy and I just can't keep handling you being mad at me"

"And why do you care? Anyways you have Gina to always run back to her" Nini snapped back pressing some keys to the piano making a loud noice

"What does Gina have to do with this, she is my friend and nothing more" Ricky defended himself throwing his arms in the air exasperation growing in him

"Well it definitely look like more, you are always together, I mean you spent the night at her place!" That was the thing that most irritated Nini, not because she thought they did something, but that Ricky went to her when he needed a scape, and Nini always thought they were each other's scape from reality when needed

"She is going through something similar, plus you seemed so mad at me the last time, I didn't want to bother you and make you ever madder at me" Ricky explained himself, with each word he was getting closer and closer to Nini

"There you go, and perfect Gina would never get mad at you" She said standing up now and looked down "Just go to her like you are getting used to"

"I don't wanna go to Gina!" Ricky said almost screaming

"Why not now?"

"Because I'm in love with you, not her!" Now he definitely was shouting, Nini heard that loud and clear and surprised was painted in the face of both.

There they were, Ricky just saying he is in love with Nini, if he would have said that four mounts ago oh how many problems they would have saved themselves

"Do... do you...?" Miraculously Nini was found out of words, and Ricky's reality hit him hard, he loved Nini, more than anything and now he won't shut up about the fact that he felt that way

"Yes, I don't not love you" He said, shy smile climbing on his face and Nini swore she could kiss him right there, and seemed like her feet heard her because suddenly she was standing right in from of him with her hands around his nick and their lips crashing together.

[artificialqueens]

Different Names For the Same Thing, Chapter Four (Trixya) - Pilandok

Getting drunk on ten cocktails is Trixie’s idea of facing the problem head on.

AN: Hi, thank you for reading! Katya is using female pronouns this chapter since she’s in drag.

Read in AO3 (also, for extra notes.) Read from Chapter One.

            Trixie is here because he wants a drink and what other place in the world would never leave her with an empty glass other than a gay bar on a drag night? In fact, as soon as he steps through the back door, one of the local queens screams his name and hands him her own drink. Trixie graciously accepts it, fully enveloping this queen he didn’t know into an embrace. Who’s acting grand now?

He sits on the battered sofa that seems to be in the back of every bar he’s ever performed at, complete with a ripped out corner and a slight incline because of its uneven footing— he knows exactly how to make himself comfortable in it. The queen that greeted him sits beside him, talking animatedly. She has a million pounds  of make-up on and a name that references something he doesn’t understand. Trixie can’t imagine how a would look like as a boy. He’s not the one to talk though, so he leans in closer than she probably expected him to and when he smiles like she’s the most entertaining person he’s ever met, he shows off his veneered teeth.

            The music from the stage echoes as a faded bass line on the walls of the room. He recognizes it, a Top 40 song from about two decades ago but he knows he won’t understand the words— Katya once told him that with his abysmal French, he has zero chance of learning Russian. (Sweet gesture, though, Katya said. Trixie was obviously joking.)

            Trixie is here because she can be— because in almost every gig, they tell the promoter that the other Brian might show up. Even when it was physically impossible for them to be. Still, there’s always that proverbial seat saved for the other. As soon as she walks in, give Katya a cigarette, Trixie would tell them. For him, a drink. This bar came through and now Trixie’s on his third glass of a random alcohol mix (his ninth if you count what he drank in the other bar before he mustered up the courage to go here, and his tenth if you count the one he had in the hotel.)

            Trixie is here because Katya expected him to be, two weeks ago. Trixie said he could watch her, he’s playing the venue three days later. He should be able to make it before her set and that she would expect him here. But judging from Katya’s reaction when she spots him on the couch with the other queen’s legs resting on his lap, it looks like neither of those things are true anymore.

            Trixie is here not because Katya has decided to stop making out with him nine days ago.

            “Trixie,” Katya calls, a full mouth smile as if she’s excited to see him but he can see the confusion in her eyes, the slight tilt of her head. “You’re here.”

            “We gave her drinks just like you told us to,” says the older drag queen that entered with Katya, probably the host of the show, “but it looked like she already had a few before us…”

            The tone of her voice, Trixie imagines, is trying to suggest something. He recognizes a tongue that’s looking for drama and with his relationship with Katya so publicly ambiguous, he all but expects this to happen. He doesn’t give a shit anymore, honestly. They’re praying for my downfall, he thinks, then laughs to himself.

            Katya’s smile barely falters but Trixie sees it. He watches her turn to the older queen and they converse in low voices that is easily drowned out by the music. He wants to tell them that he knows they’re talking about him. Instead, he focuses on the drag queen sitting on the other side of the couch whose legs are sprawled in his lap, he leans in as if he’s going to tell her something but he just flashes a lazy smile at him which she returns, equally buzzed. She’s about five years younger than him, easily excitable and eager to please.

            “Trix, honey. Hi.” Katya kneels on the rug in front of him, ignoring the pair of legs strewn over Trixie. “I have to do my second set. Wait for me, okay? I’ll take you back to the hotel. ”

            He expected as much, that his thinly-veiled attempt at making Katya jealous wouldn’t phase her so he moves his head into what he perceives to be a nod. Katya stares at him for a second and he could see that she needs to retouch her make-up. It’s kind of a hot, sweaty mess at the moment but in the way that everyone likes, with her hair sticking to her face and her lips slightly smudged. It takes a few numbers for Katya to be in her most flexible and sensual self. That’s when a strong, complicated, feminine energy exudes itself from Katya. None of these things he would have noticed before— before Katya made a mission out of making out with him every chance she got (or was it Trixie letting him?)— now the sight of it brings a stirring between his legs. Is he even gay anymore?

            “Cut her off,” Katya orders the young drag queen.

            A few moments after she leaves, they hear the explosion from the crowd.

            Trixie lifts his drink to take a sip and the young queen makes a halfhearted motion to stop him. Trixie laughs, he knows that preventing people from drinking goes against the hard-wiring of a drag queen. When he raises his glass at her, giving her a mischievous wink, she can’t help but toast hers.

            “Jesus Christ, you’re heavy,” Katya tells him.

            “It’s muscle mass,” Trixie slurred “I’ve been working out, bitch.” He tries to flex his bicep but his arm is slung around Katya’s neck who was keeping him stable on the curb as they wait for the Uber.

            “Sure, hon,” Katya mumbles distractedly, preoccupied with tracking the car on the app.

            It’s not lost on him that Katya didn’t take her things from the club, that she’s standing empty handed beside him. He realizes that “bringing you home” meant sending him off in an Uber and leaving him to the hotel staff. It seems that Katya fully intends to continue her cold streak, barely acknowledging Trixie since that day in her apartment. What did Trixie do wrong this time? Why does she get to act this way? Before it was because he cared too much and didn’t let her kiss him. Now is it because he lets her kiss him and he doesn’t care enough? Damned if I do—

“Katya, you— Kat,” Trixie starts, because what’s the point of getting wasted if you’re not going to let the words vomit out of your mouth? Katya looks at him like he’s expecting a train-wreck. “You don’t have to remember, Brian. It’s fine, you dont have to tell me— You don’t have to be anyone. You don’t have to be him. I don’t care.” Katya looks at him, exasperated, like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Whatever, Trixie knows he’s not a fun drunk. “I know you know what I’m talking about.”

            At this, Katya purses her lips into a hard line.

            “But you do care,” Katya says in a whisper.

            “Fine, if I do, then I do. But just because I care doesn’t mean it matters, Kat. It hasn’t mattered in fifteen years. No matter how much I wanted it to. It still doesn’t matter now. Nothing has to change.” Trixie has an idea of what he looks like to Katya, he’s always been a pathetic drunk, Kim would never let him forget that. Even sober, his mouth is always faster than his brain— all the fucking trouble that caused for him. “Katya— Brian just— don’t disappear on me again.”

            It’s too much for Katya, he knows that, he can see the wheels turning in hehr head. He wants to do something about it but freshly digested alcohol is clouding his brain, probably the ones from the queen.

            “Trixie,” she starts, her arm faltering on his waist. Katya doesn’t sound like she was going to say anything more, just saying his name for the sake of it, to test it out on her tongue. But it’s the most sure she’s ever sounded in weeks. Trixie can’t help but feel his heart climb up his chest, he can hear his pulse in his ears and the dizzying spell of the beat. He wants to swallow it down, the feeling rising in his throat, but it’s impossible. “Brian I—“

            He stops Katya with a retching noise. He lurches forward, slipping his arm off of her neck, and heaves. He empties out the content of his stomach, the sound of him throwing up echoing on the empty street.

            He’s always been a terrible interrupter.

             Those are my feelings, he thinks, watching the sickly colored liquid flow into the gutter.

             It’s the last thing he remembers from that night.

            Trixie dreams of the world in Katya’s head.

            The artist’s kisses drive him crazy— verrückt. That must be it, why else would he be watching him right now? He’s never met a man so… obscene. He kisses all his models, especially after they’ve opened their legs for him. Not for sex, no, but maybe something more intimate. He watches him kneel in front of the bed, staring intently at the genetalia that has been spread before him. He sees the furious sketches on his pad.

            “Nicht fickstück,” the artist had told him, Russian accent heavy, and he blushed at the vulgarity.

            It’s only his turn when it’s late at night and everyone has left. The name he gave was Byron and the artist had laughed at this. It doesn’t suit him at all and he can’t quite pronounce it right, but the artist never asked for the truth. He only replied, “dann bin ich Katya.”

            Byron doesn’t take off his clothes, he is never asked to, only his jacket so he can roll up his sleeves. He sits on the piano waiting at the other side of the room. It’s damaged but it’s still better than anything he’s ever owned. The fact that he can play this late at night without anyone coming up to complain tells him the character of the place and the kind of residents there are in this building.

            For Katya, he plays the pieces he learned in the academy— he doesn’t let him listen to any of his compositions. In turn, Katya never shows him what he’s painting while he watches him play.

            But he does love Katya’s self portraits.

            “Ich habe so etwas noch nie gesehen,” Byron tells him, and then in his best english, “beautiful.”

            Katya beams and points to the canvas he hasn’t been able to see.

            “I will make you walk in the most beautiful.”

            In the morning, Trixie wakes up with a hang over so bad that he swears he’s lost feeling in his limbs. He was a mess last night, he knew. Katya knew, the queens in the club knew, and the night shift staff of the hotel knew. Hell, Kim probably knew, somehow. It’s fine, he can bounce back from it. He has the emotional and mental fortitude. But physically, he’s a goner. He’s thirty years old and a hangover can kill him now.

            An hour later, he peels himself off the bed to trudge up the bathroom. The sound of the water hitting the sink helps him gather his thoughts and the water is refreshing to touch. But he catches himself before he washes his face. He leans forward to observe his face in the mirror, eyebrows scrunched in confusion. He touches his forehead like he can’t believe it. A red stain in the shape of a kiss. He knows what shade that is— hes’ making a lipstick in that exact color.

            “This is so not fair,” Trixie says out loud. He wants to hate her, really. The gesture is stupidly tender. It’s the exact opposite of what Katya has been trying to prove to him for weeks.

[leasboyfriend]

All of them for an f/o of your choice! Go off and have fun!!

oh god ok ummm re3cule lets go

this is going under a cut bc its long

oak - who’s the more emotional one? how do you balance each other out in this aspect?

carlos is the most emotional one and thats mostly bc he actually lets himself feel emotions. jill and i tend to hide ours bc we dont want to burden anybody. carlos can somehow always tell when we’re hiding something tho and does whatever he can to get us to let it out

mist - how does your f/o help you out when you’re feeling lost?

we help ground each other when we’re too lost in bad thoughts or memories. usually with touch but sometimes that doesnt work so we do whatever we can to help ease each other out of it

stars - what kind of a date would your f/o take you on?

we spend so much time in coffee shops omg. if we go out on a date thats probs where we’ll go and after we’ll probs go to a park or somewhere kinda secluded so we dont have to deal with people thinking our relationship is weird (carlos will make jokes about how he doesnt understand how anyone can see us and not thing we’re cute as fuck together adfasdf)

apple - do you and your f/o cook together? what do you make?

carlos cooks the most and i like to help him out sometimes. i prefer baking to cooking tho. jill is kinda hopeless in the kitchen so she’ll just watch. carlos makes a lot of food he remembers from his childhood and sometimes he’ll talk about his mom or his grandmother while he makes them

dove - what kind of wedding would you and your f/o have?

something small and secluded. only ppl we know and trust are there. its outdoors in autumn and theres flowers everywhere

storm - what are cozy days in with your f/o like?

cuddles and movies and a bunch of blankets if its cold bc jill and i retain like 0 body heat and carlos cant quite pick up our slack even if he runs rly hot

ivy - how do you take care of each other when you’re sick?

fawn - do you and your f/o play video games together? which ones?

peaches - how did you and your f/o meet?

jill and i met while she was going thru police training and i was in college. we were dating by the time we met carlos during the RC Incident 

pine - do you believe in love at first sight?

jill doesnt. it takes her awhile to allow herself to open up at all. carlos does. he’s a sappy romantic and loves v easily. my answer was in a previous ask

pond - how do you get along with your f/o’s friends?

carlos can get along with just about anybody. jill and i mostly share a friend group bc we both tend to drag the other along bc we dont want to be alone and awkward among strangers

mushroom - give a headcanon of your f/o

jill mentioned missing having a piano to play so carlos and i both saved for awhile to get her one for her birthday. we had to hide it with claire bc hiding a piano in ur house isnt rly possible especially when the person ur hiding it from has a detective brain. when she finally got to see it she started crying. she’ll play it whenever she’s stressed or if one of us cant sleep that night

moonlight - freebie! say anything you’d like about your f/o

i cant imagine my life without them and i think they would say the same

also god we all need therapy but what therapist is trained for zombie outbreaks, queer relationships, and anxiety

[batlegacy]

Social distancing tag

tagged by @lorceone ,thank you:)

Are you staying home from work/school?

Yes,I do.If I really wanna call it studying whatever im trying to do,then yes,im studying at home.Its the worst part about it,i could do this staying home thing for years,the only thing im worried about is studying.I havent actually joined any of my online classes yet,and even tho i have a reason for not joining them all and some of them i just watch as videos later, i feel like this is gonna end bad..at least i have that one person at uni who helps me survive,or like we’re helping eachother to survive but if i was more social i would just be in one of those group chats where people just ‘illegally’ send all the exam stuff in,so that everybody already knows everything about their next exams,while we’re doing random videochats to do our exams together with this guy..better than nothing but..i blame myself more for my social anxiety since im studying from home..its kind of funny how i feel like social distancing requires more social skills than normal studying..

If you’re staying home, who is with you?

my family.my mother,my dad and my older brother.

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate?

myself.sounds bad but being alone would be fucking nice now...i love my family but ive spent a month with them..i wasnt alone for a minute in the last 4 weeks..or 3..i dont even know...its weird how everybodys going crazy cuz they feel alone in quarantine while i want it to end so that i can finally be alone...and its just frustrating...im used to hearing my dad yelling and swearing but now i hear my mom yelling too and also i hear my brother swearing all the damn time..im the only one in the family who holds in the stress when sth goes wrong and maybe thats the reason i cant stand hearing peoples yelling all the time..it really fucking stresses my out..

Are you a homebody?

i am but i kinda hate that im forced to stay inside..i would probably not go out any more if it wasnt lockdown,but i need the feeling that i could...its like when you were a kid and you got that random burst of motivation that you are now gonna do all your homework and study and its gonna be awesome and then your mom came into your room and told you that you cant do anything until you did your homework and then you felt like ‘well fuck it then...doing my homework suddenly became the last thing i wanna do...’

An event you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

Harry Styles concert :( It broke my heart...

What movies have you recently watched?

im doing a marathon on everything that includes Hugh Laurie cuz i guess i ran out of new hyperfixations and i got back to the ones i had as a 12 year old..so i just watched Stuart Little again and im planning to watch every weird movie he took part in..

What shows are you watching?

i watched supernatural but they are on a hiatus as well as every celebrity i love,i started watching Zoe’s extraordinary playlist and im so in love with it,im rewatching House(thats where the whole hyperfixation started lol),and i started watching Chance...for obvious reasons..

What music are you listening to?

i find myself listening to a lot of 80′,90′s playlists on spotify and for some reason i always do a playlist for my current hyperfixations so im listening to those as well..but im listening to everything,literally..blues/piano stuff when im coding cuz its chill enough,death metal when my family fucks me up with the yelling,a lot of one direction(did anybody use these words in the same sentence before me?),80′s/90′s hits when im drawing...todays pop when im curious..if theres any music genre im uncultured at its todays pop music...im not proud of it...and a lot of weird hungarian quarantine playlists they are the worst...

What are you reading?

i got a book from my mom like two months ago about how to be a functional introvert,i read that when i cant sleeep...so quite often..

What are you doing for self care?

im not sure i know what self care is...i sometimes work out..but besides that...i dont know how to take care of myself...i do what i have to and i listen to music,draw and watch tv shows for my own entertainment...

and this time im gonna try to tag some people soo: @h-bea92 , @wannabe-loser , @sammyimpala-67 , @youreabadliar ,  @danisalutations

[revol-lover]

dreams don’t end at “30″

so i just had a little breakthrough and maybe this wont sound like anything to anyone else but i just have to share it

so i’ve talked about this before. about how my friend and i were both planning these personal development like goals for this year that covid got in the way of. and he said something, about how this is his last year in his 20s and he wanted to get some goals accomplished before 30 

and i thought about that and realized something.

i have been feeling similarly about a few goals that i’ve been hanging onto for years and years. like i’m going to be honest with you, some people might remember this if you’ve been around here for a long time but probably not. anyway when i was in high school i really wanted to make music, sing, learn an instrument. and i did make some covers that i posted on myspace (showing my age here lol) and youtube but then i kind of gave up on it when

 1) became 18 and realized my dream to go to NYC and pursue music when i was 18 wasn’t happening because of a million reasons (it was very much a pipe dream, right? i mean you can’t have that dream and not prepare for it and i didnt. also i was too scared at the time to even move out to my own place if i had the funds to do so because my parents wouldnt have really approved and i was still so under their thumb) 

2) broke up with my musician boyfriend. which needed to happen. but he was the only person super passionate about that kind of goal at the time around me (till he ran lol)  and he actually is still doing music now so good for him but basically 

because of those 2 reasons i just let go of that dream all together as something i thought i wanted to do but was “unrealistic”.

but the thing about turning 30 and feelings like you needed to achieve all these personal/dreamy/goals in your 20s. what is that bullshit? why? 

what changes when you cross over to 30? i’ll tell you one thing. media pushes movies, books, films, everything about people chasing their dreams in their 20s and “settling” down in their 30s. where’s my inspiring movie about the 32 year old mom who finally wrote a song and performed it live after being terrified her whole life of doing so?

 think about it though

in your 30s you. *might* have a better paying job than you did in your 20s. which means, if you can manage to find time or a way for it, you *might* be able to save a little more money or afford to do something like, buy that guitar and guitar lessons in order to learn to play and write a song and live out your dream in some way, even if its just learning to play so you can play at an open mic. and maybe you’ll like that and you’ll somehow connect with likeminded people and form a band. idk. your dreams dont have to end in your 20s. 

you dont have to fall into the trap of your 20s are for your dreams that are so big you feel like the chance of achieving them is getting struck by lightening

and then your 30s are for fancy adult goals like buying a house, and going on a $10k vacation and those things are probably just as hard as the goals you had in your 20s but the world wont make you see it that way. its seen as “selfish” to prioritize and budget for your artistic goals - but not a house. no that’s responsible and what you “should” do. but its ok to prioritize something that’s going to give your soul fulfillment too! we need to believe that! because it’s true. we are not here just to work our jobs and live mundane colorless lives once we aren’t considered “young” anymore (but 30s are still young. not what i’m saying)

 you’re always going to be chasing something big and if you let the world control what that thing is you’re always going to be on some rat race. 

it’s fine if you achieve your goals in a different order than the world says you were supposed to. i got married young and had a child young, that was how my life played out and i’m happy with that because, yes, finding love and becoming a mother very much were goals of mine.

yes i dropped out of college because i couldn’t afford it and i couldnt find a major that felt worth being in debt for. and also, because hey guess what? contrary to what a lot of people will try to lead you to believe, college is not for everyone. and college does not = success. college drop out does not = failure. it’s just an option of something you could do with your life. AND if you didn’t go to your college in your 20s it doesnt mean you can’t in your 30s. or 50s. hell my husband, who did go to college saw elderly (think, 80s!) people going to his college as students! college isn’t just for 18 year olds fresh out of high school. 

My 27th birthday is in 2 weeks and no, i have not yet to worked up the courage to write an original song from words to music, or have the courage to get on a stage and sing anything, or talk to a stranger, or publish any of my writing or art, goals i’ve had whirling around in my brain since I was 18, but, it’s going to happen. maybe this year. maybe when i’m 35, but it’s going to happen. a number is not going to be the thing holding me back.

that whole mentality of “my youth is slipping away i need to achieve all these dreams before midnight the day of my 30th birthday” is so stupid and flawed and we all deserve to see ourselves, and our individual potential as more than that. 

last part of this rant - one of the reason i even became so passionate about reignighting some of my dusty, old goals, that it turned out, i still cared about, is because i had a moment where i was like

ok i am a mom. i am someones mom. how will my daughter see me, as a person, not just her mom? 

kevin and i always talk about how between the two of us we’ve both had a lot of quintessential young adult experiences that we look forward to sharing with her. like, quitting jobs, getting in car accidents, that one time i unknowingly participated in an illegal bonfire and ran from the cops then lied straight to their faces and somehow got away with it (literally my ONE act of teen rebellion), changing college majors like 3 years in (kevin), failed classes, tried cigarettes, etc like i’m ready, and hope that one day she will feel comfortable talking to us about things because we’ve been through things and have a lot of input and two different perspectives to offer

but further than that, i realized that i want her to know that her mom is a person too. i want her to know that mom is also passionate about writing, and music, and somehow tackled some of her goals in regards to that so that SHE can feel that SHE, too can do those things. and i know that, that is in part how it works 

because,

my dad IS an artist. my dad IS a musician. yall. my dad is SO talented.  my dad is brilliant. besides his artistic abilities which include, drawing literal realistic as fuck portraits, sculpting, painting, playing guitar, bass, piano, mandolin, he also knows music composition, etc etc etc beyond all of that, he also taught himself fucking PLUMBING and ELECTRICIAN SHIT to fix things in our house growing up. like he bought a book. and taught himself. my dad. i grew up thinking that was normal but i realized not everyones dad can just tear down the bathroom and rebuild it from scratch down to the plumbing without being a licensed professional.

but anyway the point is - as talented as my dad is, he doesnt really pursue his artistic dreams much. and its sad. i’m glad that i’ve seen some of the work he did when he was younger. i’m glad that if i bring it up, he’ll show me something he can do. but he doesnt pursue it anymore really. my dad works an exhausting physical labor job but even he, as a 50something year old has fallen into that trap of like, i dont have time to draw, but he will scroll his phone and read articles for hours and i’m not shaming him. i’m just saying we all have this problem in the modern era of technology and social media and what not (hell i am writing a post on tumblr instead of my book right now).

but if timing was different and my dad grew up in a different time, where lets say something distracted him from doing the little bit of art and music that he did when i was a kid that i was able to witness, if i hadnt seen that. i wouldnt know that.. in a way.. that’s in me. i mean, he’s my dad. if my dad could pick up a craft and work at it to be good at it, why can’t i? there are so many musicians and (kind unrelated but not rly - i think being “self made” is an art) business owners in my family. there’s either some common thread in our genetics ORRRRRRRRRR just growing up around people working at and succeeding at those kinds of goals shows you that it CAN be done so you’re more likely to believe in your abilities

and i want that for my daughter. because even as an almost 3 year old i can see that she has a gift for music, and reading. and even if i’m wrong about that and she grows up wanting to do some other thing as a job or hobby, i want her to know, by seeing her mom do it, that she can achieve anything she puts her heart to. you don’t have to box yourself in because of your age or your sex or the fact that you’re a parent. 

and your dream doesnt have to become your career. it can be a hobby and still be fulfilling. like yes, 18 year old me dreamed about some life in nyc singing in clubs or bars or whatever and being ~famous (lol) and that did not happen, but i can still get out there and play open mic downtown and get that love of music, and desire to face my fear of performing out of my system. maybe i’ll love it. maybe i’ll hate it. but i’ll have done it. and that’s the ultimate goal. 

sorry i went off but i had to get that out of my system and i’m very passionate about 

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Beat of my Heart, part 2 of 2

I blame @sango-blep and her anon for this.

---

Continued from Part 1

It takes time for Lena and Rowena to reclaim their ease. The truth hangs over them, a perpetual reminder that every moment means so much more than the one before. But they try. Their progress is made in little moments. The first time Rowena reaches out in conversation, her fingers brushing Lena's arm without reaction, her heart thunders with alarm. What if she's ruined it already? But Lena carries on as though she never even noticed. When Rowena shares a story-- she doesn't even remember which one-- Lena throws her head back and laughs. This time, her heart soars, to see the same scrunched nose smile that Lena always had. She reclaims her daughter, a little at a time. ---

Their bond is still in its infancy when Lena walks into Rowena's gallery to find Lillian looming over her mother with an arch brow. "Get away from her!" Lena snarls, planting herself between them with her arms outstretched. Kara is close at her heels-- they'd come for brunch, and Rowena still feels blessed to be included in at least one more aspect of Lena's life-- but hangs back, clearly ready to let Lena set the tone of whatever came next. Lillian, for her part, is less than concerned to see her daughter's fiercety. "Don't be so overdramatic, Lena," she replies, stepping back as though to show her lack of interest. "I'm not here to murder anyone. We were just having a conversation." "You don't get to have a conversation with her," Lena snaps back. Lillian's head tilts in bemusement. "Even as a customer?" "Oh, bullSHIT." "Lena..." Kara tries to place a hand on her shoulder, only to be shrugged away. "Did you know?" Lena demands, voice rising with fury. "Calm down--" "Did. You. Know." Lillian blinks, jaw firming. "Ye--" Lena's palm cracks across Lillian's cheek before the word fully leaves her mouth. Lillian reels, out of surprise more than anything else, even as Lena lunges for her again, only to be hauled back by Kara and Rowena both. "How DARE you!" "Lena, stop--!" "You fucking bitch--" Rowena lends her voice to the chaos, hoping to calm her daughter. "Lena, it was Lionel's doing-- she wasn't the one who wanted you--" "You think I don't KNOW THAT?" Lena cries, rounding on Rowena so swiftly that the artist shrinks back instinctively. She doesn't know this Lena. From Kara's alarm, she's not sure anyone does. "Every single DAY for the past twenty years she has made sure I knew exactly how much she DIDN'T want me!" Lena whirls back to Lillian, bumping against Kara still running interference. She glares at her adoptive mother, as hot angry tears pinch from the corners of her eyes. "Did you even think about her? All those years that you made me grovel for every shred of affection you deigned to give me, knowing all along there was someone out there who loved me-- did you EVER think about her?" A chiseled jaw lifts, somehow still retaining Lillian's moral superiority. "Of course I did," she says. From her tone, Rowena knows whats coming next, and internally braces as Lillian's head gives a smug tilt. "Who do you think sent the Christmas cards?" All the air seems to suck from the room, leaving deafening silence in its wake. Lena is the first to recover. "What?" "Every Christmas, your mother received the Luthor family christmas card, detailing your biggest accomplishments and a photo of you." Lillian gazes at her. "I sent them." As her rage shifted rapidly to confusion, Lena started to tremble. "But... why?" "Because I pitied her." It's clear that pity was all it was, because there's no trace of compassion in her now. Lena has nothing else to stay. She simply stares, unable to formulate a response. In the end, Lillian reaches into her purse, and though Kara stiffens in alarm, all she pulls from it is a stack of envelopes, bound six inches deep, all sealed. "I came to deliver these," she says. Rowena recognizes each and every one, sent by her own hand to express her pride and love for the daughter who never responded. She'd always wondered if she'd ever gotten them. Now she knows. 

"You understand why I withheld them," she says, this time to Rowena directly. Rowena nods stiffly, but Lena snatches them from Lillian's hand, radiating with new rage. "No," she growls. "I don't understand. I thought I did-- I thought I understood why you were so cruel. Because I wasn't yours, because my fa--" She trips over the word. "Because he forced you to accept me into your home, when I had nowhere else to go." Lena hugs the stack of envelopes to her chest, as though they could somehow steady her shaking voice. "But I did have somewhere else. I had someone-- who cared for me, who WANTED me, and I-- never understood just how cruel you truly were." Her jaw tightens, mirroring Lillian as she lifts her chin. "You knew. And you knew it was wrong. But you let him do it anyway." Disgust turns Lena's gaze haughty. "You're a bigger monster than he ever was." Though Lillian doesn't move, Rowena catches the flicker of hurt that flashes behind the woman's eyes. Rowena almost feels guilty, aching for a woman losing a daughter, but Lena's trembling rage halts that in its tracks. This woman did not love Lena. Not the way, Lena needed. Rowena has no idea what Lena's survived, and now for the first time truly wonders just how much she might have endured. She reaches out, and places her hand at the small of Lena's back. She can't do much in the face of that trademark Luthor might-- she never could. But she can stand with Lena. That much she can do. "Get out," Lena snaps, daring Lillian to protest, to feign interest in reconciliation. Lillian does neither. She lingers for only a heartbeat before departing without another word. They watch her leave in silence, a quiet that persists long after the tall woman disappears from sight. "Lena..." Rowena starts, only to freeze when Lena pulls away sharply. "I can't do this." Lena leaves without a second glance. Kara trots after her, only to return after a short exchange at the door. "I'm going to hang with you for a bit," the reporter delivers casually. "No, Lena needs--" "Lena's the one who asked," Kara explains gently. "Just in case Lillian changes her mind." "Changes her mind about what?" "Not killing you." Rowena doesn't even have it in her to be alarmed at the potential threat, or alarmed at the woman's casual nonchalance about it. All she can think about is the fact that Lena took the letters with her. --- Rowena knows Lena needs space. She's heeded Kara's advice thus far and it's worked out well enough. But the thought of Lena struggling with the same pain she felt, without her, proved to be unbearable. She asked the doorman for Lena's apartment number, but isn't surprised when she isn't given it. "Someone's on their way down," he tells her instead. It's Kara. "How is she?" Rowena asks. The reporter shrugs solemnly. "Not good." "I'll leave," she promises, "I just needed to know--" "Actually," Kara interjects. "Don't." Rowena can scarcely dare to breathe. "Really?" "I dont know how to help her with this," she confesses. "But maybe you can." Kara speaks briefly with the doorman, then comes back with a key. "You're cleared to go up. I'm going to go grab some food, so... take as much time as you need." ---- When Rowena unlocks the door with a faint knock, she steps into an apartment bigger than her studio and workspace combined. She can tell it usually lives its life in pristine order, but today Lena sits on the couch admist a sea of chaos. Letters fill every inch of space within arms reach, and Lena herself has one in each hand, reading with tears streaming down her cheeks. "Oh, honey..." Lena's head snaps up, her teary eyes focusing on Rowena in an instant. But instead of the anger she anticipates, Rowena gets only a perilous moment of utter stillness, before Lena's features crumple, and she begins to sob in earnest. Rowena is at her side in an instant, and Lena folds into her arms as though she'd never left them. The sobs that pour out of Lena carry the weight of the years strewn around them, marked in the pages of letters documenting their life apart. They're huge, and wracking and leave Rowena's shirt damp with tears and mucus, but Rowena holds her daughter tight, murmuring soft words she'd thought she'd never have the chance to say again. "I love you so, so much, acushla," Rowena soothes. "I have loved you all your life. I will love you for the rest of mine." --- Kara doesn't return that night. Rowena is grateful for the time alone with Lena, because when Lena has no more tears she falls into an exhausted sleep, head pillowed in Rowena's lap. And Rowena is permitted a brief time to savor the intimacy, as her fingers stroke Lena's dark hair, and an old lullaby rises to a hum in her throat. "I didn't know." Lena announces her wakefulness with a dull voice to break the quiet. "I looked for you. I found your death certificate. Or-- someone's death certificate. If I had known-- I wouldn't have stopped looking. You have to believe that." Her daughter's voice cracks ominously in the growing shadows. "I do, acushla." Of course she does. Lena hiccups, a small smile easing the anguish in her voice. "You know, I used to imagine talking to you. I would imagine you sitting next to me on my bed, and I'd talk to the air like you were really there, telling you everything that was happening in my life." Rowena takes a deep breath, and tucks away the deep and unhelpful wish that she had been there too. She tucks it away, and pulls up an honest smile, tucking Lena's hair behind a pale ear. "Tell me now," Rowena urges. "Tell me everything." --- Lena does. She starts as far back as she can remember of first living with the Luthors-- being nervous in ballet and rubbish at the piano, sneaking treats from the dessert table at the society functions she was brought to-- and takes Rowena through everything that followed. Boarding school with Veronica Sinclair, who had made Lena's life hell, until Lena learned that all it took was one devastating blow to get the villainous Ronnie off her back for good. What that revenge was, Rowena doesn't quite know, because Lena is already spinning off into her college years, and the joy of being distanced from her family, being challenged and stimulated in ways she never had been before. Rowena learns about Jack and Sam and Ruby. She's aware when Lena neatly dodges the subject of Lex's arrest and trial and conviction, but she doesn't much mind because suddenly her daughter is giggling in her lap, telling her about the time Kara Danvers challenged three college football stars to a cheeseburger eating contest-- and out-ate all three of them. Combined. The moment Rowena hears that tinkle of mirth, something inside clicks back into place, and warmth pours from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She can't change what they've lost. But Rowena knows in that moment that she will never lose her daughter again. --- The months that follow are the happiest of Rowena's life, and from the sly smiles that Kara gives her at their weekly brunch while Lena rambles enthusiastically about developments in her latest projects, she imagines Lena was never quite so happy either. She celebrates Christmas with Lena and the Danvers family in Kara's apartment. She sips eggnog with Eliza and revels in the warmth that fills the room as the kids play game after game with reckless enthusiasm. "I understand that your relationship with Lena is complicated," Eliza says softly. "But I hope you don't mind me saying that Lena is an extraordinary woman. And that as a mother, I am thrilled that my daughters have her in their lives." Since the confrontation with Lillian Luthor, things between Lena and Rowena have actually felt less complicated. As though they both have accepted that while they will never recover their missing years, they can make the most of their future, and will do so with all their might.

Still, Rowena smiles with pride and gratitude. 

Because she still feels very lucky indeed. --- Lena and Rowena do brunch with Kara every week, but they also start having tea, just the two of them. Same tea house, same table, same time and day every week. It's a time just for them, and Rowena cherishes every second of it. Which is why when Lena flounces into her seat one Sunday morning with coy smile and expectation in her eyes, Rowena immediately knows something is up. Lena's smile grows when Rowena's gaze catches on the diamond ring dazzling brightly on her left hand. "Is that--?" Rowena breathes. "It happened last night," Lena says in a rush, scooting to the edge of her seat in excitement. "Which is good because I wanted you to be the first person I told and I don't think I could have waited much longer than that!" "Oh, honey!!" Rowena captures Lena's face with both hands and kisses her cheek soundly. "I am so, so happy for you, acushla." Lena's smile turns quiet, and her eyes start to shine with moisture. Rowena doesn't release her, searching her daughter's gaze intently. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" "Will--" Lena's voice breaks, and she swallows audibly before trying again. "Will you walk me down the aisle?" The world seems to still, and Rowena blinks as it rights itself back onto its axis. "We don't really know when or where the ceremony will be, but--" "Yes." Lena blinks at her, and a tears shakes free. "You will?" The tear meets a swift end under Rowena's thumb as she dries it away. "I would be honored just to be there, acushla," she rasps against her own imminent tears. "Of course I will walk you down the aisle." When Lena answers her with a hug, Rowena's ribs creak under the force of it. Rowena kisses Lena's hair, and squeezes her just as tightly. --- The night of Lena's wedding, Rowena can barely bring herself to breathe for fear of dispelling the dream she suddenly inhabits. Lena looks stunning, and Kara is beautiful bride, and every moment is the one Rowena is certain she'll wake up at the gates of St. Peter with an angel telling her she's already in heaven. But she remains grounded to the living world and is filled to brimming with the good spirits that permeate the reception hall. Lena is breathless with happiness almost the entire night, and Rowena can't tear her eyes away. After the couple's first dance, Eliza takes Kara, and Rowena takes Lena, and the four of them dance to a long, slow song. It gives them all a chance to catch their breath. Others soon join them, and in the crowd they almost find a little bit of privacy. Rowena is still trying to find the right words to say when Lena drifts to a stop, standing silent and still in a sea of swaying bodies. But she doesn't pull away. Lena stands in her mother's arms, face pressed into her shoulder, and holds her tightly. The quickening of her breath is the only outward sign of Lena's silent tears. Rowena nods against her daughter's head, rubbing soft circles against her back. "I know, honey," she murmurs. She nearly pulls back, desperate to dry Lena's tears, but allows Lena her moment to release whatever emotion had overwhelmed her. Rowena catches Kara's eye, and gets a nod of reassurance along with a soft smile. "It's okay, acushla." They had all the time in the world. --- Lena's request to visit the lake is unexpected. Rowena stares as though her daughter's grown a second head. "Why on Earth would you want to go back?" It might have been Lena's favorite place, once upon a time, but now Rowena only knows it as a place of loss. First, as she scoured it for weeks for any trace of Lena, and then later as the place she visited to mourn. The painting in her workshop was as close as she ever cared to go again. But Lena doesn't have a reason. At least, not one she can articulate. "I don't know," she said solemnly. "It's just... something I need to do. And I want you there with me." Which is how Rowena finds herself on the shore of that glassy lake surrounded by trees. There's the rock in the sand Lena used to play behind. There's the platform that always teemed with children-- the one Lena always tried to paddle towards, only to get distracted halfway there. And here is the spot she last saw her daughter twenty years ago, four years old and waving happily at her, pinching her own nose despite being on dry land. They stand on the shore hand-in-hand, and Rowena wants to know what Lena sees as she stares mutely across the water. She said she saw Rowena drown-- is she trying to spot discrepancies between her memory of that day with what she sees now, searching for further evidence that it never happened? Or is Rowena's hand in hers enough? Before she can ask, Lena's hand slips from hers. Rowena watches her daughter kick off her sneakers, and calmly remove her clothes until she's in nothing but her bra and panties. "Lena!" The haunt in Lena's eyes vanishes beneath a devilish smile, as she climbs onto the giant boulder. "Lena, dont-- be careful--!" Rowena's warning is drowned out by the slap of bare feet on rock as Lena dashes towards the water. She launches herself off the furthest point of the rock, hanging briefly in mid-air before crashing into the lake with a deafening splash. Heart thundering in her chest, Rowena stares as Lena surfaces a moment later, laughing with delight. "Come on in, mom! The water's great!" "Not a chance." Lena's lips twist in a pout, before turning lazily to float on her back. "Fine, if you're too scared..." "Scared?" Rowena's pride kicked in, and ohhhhh Lena's smirk of triumph is almost enough to keep her out of the water in oure spite. Almost. "Oh, you're on." She ditches her shoes and clothes and climbs onto the rock. The stone is cold beneath her feet, but worn smooth by the elements and the countless feet that have traversed this very same sprint. "TAWANDA!" Rowena crows, running full speed towards the drop. Ice cold water closes over her head, and she surfaces with a cough of surprise to the sound of Lena laughing. "Lena Kieran Luthor!" Rowena scolds, splashing water into her daughter's giggling face with every syllable. "This. Water. Is. Freezing!" "Ack!" Lena splutters. "Okay, okay! I'm sorry!" Rowena ceases her onslaught, and for a long moment they tread water in the quiet of their solitude. It really is beautiful here. Rowena had forgotten how beautiful. "You know," Lena says in a low voice. Rowena turns to look at her. "I'm a lot bigger now-- I bet I could hold my breath as long as you can. Longer, even." Rowena can't help but smile. She gazes at her daughter's wet face and slicked hair, and thanks again whatever god exists that Lena has found her way back to her. "Long as you can, acushla." With a deep breath, they both sink below the surface, holding hands the whole way down.

[uhpeach]

oof personal rant about boy and relationship shit below the cut it’s way too long sorry

finally had a talk with boy last night... it started bc they are having a stoplight theme party tn where you wear green if ur single, yellow if it’s complicated, and red if ur taken and he was like “so what color are u thinking of wearing”... and i was like “green i guess bc im single”. but i said it as a joke.... and he was like... “oh well i was thinking yellow”. and i was like “ya me too i guess”... and he was like “ya idk i think most people will either be red or green so we’ll be some of the few yellow ppl which is kinda fun”. and i was like “ok. ya whatever cool”. and he was like “but i’ll wear whatever u want like if u want me to wear red i will”. and i was like “no. no pressure. yellow makes sense.” but then i was making sad girl face i guess and he was like “nooo stop with that face. you’re thinking about something what’s wrong” and then we like went innnnnn with like a convo about “us” or whatever the fuck.

anyways like the things he’s worried about when considering making us official is that he:

1. says he is an extremely jealous and controlling boyfriend? and he does not like who he is as a boyfriend so if he isnt technically a “boyfriend” he has no reason to get that way/can stop himself from being like that. which i like.... dont see at all. and like maybe he had a reason to be like that with his ex but honestly i dont do much or like get hit on so i see it as a non-issue honestly? like im too into him to like even need to be “controlled” like i genuinely want to do whatever he wants bc i just want to see him happy ? but then he said that when he sees me happy it makes him happy and when i keep crying like i have been it makes him really sad and scared that our relationship would be built on a bad foundation. and i see it as the opposite like in spite of what he has done and how he’s hurt me we’ve gotten past it and grown to know each other better and like each other a lot and im still here spending time with him so like idk we think about these things very differently i guess. 

2. he was thinking like soooo far in the future for some reason like... when i met him he was pursuing a finance degree in the business school but he like decided music was something he was really passionate about last year and since then he’s been like learning how to use like music production software and how to play piano since then. so he was saying like he doesn’t want me to see him as like a jobless bum loser when i could be with a guy has a secure upwardly mobile job making 60-70k right out of college while he’s like.... working as a DJ and practicing like music production stuff. and i was like..... what r u talking about like i don’t need you to support me? and if ur worried about how i’ll see you like i just want to see you happy i would rather see that than someone complaining about how much they hate their job and life every day bc like.... idk when you l*ve someone all you really want is to see them happy. and then i told him how i have bragged about him to people who like wish they could change majors about how he’s actually doing something he’s interested in rather than sticking with business school which he hatesss. 

(he started crying sometime during point two into point three)

3. he was worried about not being able to give me the level of attention ur supposed to give someone ur dating. like he was saying how he practices his music stuff in his free time but like when ur dating someone ur supposed to spend like all ur free time with them but i’ll have to like share that time with his music and he like doesn’t want me to feel like he has no time for me? but i was like dude i dont need you actively paying attention when we’re together like the other night i was doing my homework in his room while he practicing and i was just so stoked to be in the room with him even though we were doing our own things. and also like the people in relationships who spend allll their time with their significant others are people i get SO ANNOYED BY i was like dude... i dont want to be like any of those couples like of course i want to spend as much time as possible with you but i have other “relationships” i need to maintain that im not just gonna drop like some of my other couple friends have. like my friendships are super important to me, probably bc i have never been in a relationship so i like really do love and put a lot of focus on my friends, so if he needs time for his music and did need some private time to focus i would just spend that time maintaining my friendships because i love and want to spend time with them too? like it’s not that deep and i’ve been alone for so long im used to it.....

i think there was more but anyway he was thinking SO FAR AHEAD and asking me like what i want to do and where i want to go after graduation and im like ????? i .. dont know ??? omg ???? what does this have to do with like dating right now like are u never gonna date anyone again until ur ready to date them until marriage im ? confused? i.. legitimately was NOT thinking this far ahead ? but then he kept bringing up how like feelings fade and he like want to make sure his college friends are lifelong friends and how a breakup would make it so that’s a more difficult thing for us to be and im like i get it ? i have brought up that point to so many people like it used to be that i cared more about having him in my life forever like at least as a friend just bc i like him so much but now it’s harder to be like that bc i like him SO SO much like... idk imagining never having been official a few years down the road and just being that girl he had a “thing” with in college. bc that’s not what i want to be to him. like if we do stop liking each other i dont want to have to meet his future girlfriend or fucking wife and be like hi im olivia.. his friend from college. like just calling what we have “friendship” hurts so bad and if i had to look at someone he like loves in the future and call myself just a friend from college that would fucking kill me. like at least if we were exes i would be like hey im his friend-ex-then friend again from college. ya haha things didnt work out but i’ll always care about this guy ur lucky to have him. ya know. there’s a difference.

and all the things i was concerned about were suchhhh immediate issues like... im only not satisfied by the relationship status of like being a “thing” bc i want to actually be taken on dates..  and have someone who would be happy to like bring me coffee if im having a rough day (and like so it wouldnt be weird if i did little things like that too) and so we could like go on a trip together or like as it stands it would be weird for me to like bring him home for a few days and be like “hello family this is my good friend :) we are going to share a bed bc we are... friends :)” like you cant tell ur family about ur “thing” bc like o ur really good friends that care a lot about each other and have sex but ur not dating... like that gives parents too much to think about it’s gross.... and it would be weird for him to bring me to like his hometown to meet his friends and what not bc we are just like ... a thing? and i WANT to do that stuff like it would mean so much to me. but like you only do that with ppl ur dating and i want to be with someone who can like share their life with me and i can share mine with them if that makes sense. also u know what i think it’s fair of me to want to be able to call someone my boyfriend like. that is a word i have never gotten to use and when i like hear it in movies and tv shows and even when friends say it i feel like im being fucking stabbed. like i have never gotten to be a girlfriend and i feel like people see me as less of a person because of that, especially being in my 20s now. idk just like societal pressures are getting to me i hate being a sociology major im like super analyzing like the roles i am “supposed” to take to live up to what it is to be a woman in our society. like i have been a daughter, a friend, a coworker, a sister but i have never been a girlfriend and that is something i feel like an innate internalized NEED to experience idk like it’s just beat into you by media and peers and parents from when ur like a kid until you actually do fulfill the prescribed gender based roles... like if i am not a wife or a mother in my life i might fucking kill myself like ik roles and labels are meaningless but i NEED THEM to like give me identity and security. anyways. uh that was a lot. if u read all this and i don’t sound insane lmk!

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.