#We’re heathens 🥰

[reashot]

What do you mean you won't LEWD me?

Thank you all for helping with the reblog of my last fic and I love what some of you made that I'm making this as a sequel to it.

Ruby's House.

Ruby: Jaune, thank you for your help in making breakfast 🍳☕🥓

Jaune: It's the least I can do Ruby for letting me stay the night. And thank you too Ruby for helping me with the cooking.

Ruby: Flatterer. But I don't think that heating up bacon and eggs can be considered cooking.

While Jaune is busy preparing the table for everyone. Ruby silently walks up behind him and lovingly embrace him.

Jaune: Ruby?...

Ruby: I-I want to say that I'm sorry and I admit that I may.... Have gone a little bit overboard last night.

Jaune: I don't think attempted rape can be considered little.

Ruby: That's because you keep rejecting me. What do you have against me Jaune. Do you hate me or something? Because if you do then just say it. Don't string me along. Don't get my hopes up...

Ruby said to him as she cries into Jaune's back and Jaune then respond by slowly turning around and returns her embrace.

Jaune: How could I hate you? You're the greatest girl I know.

Ruby: T-then why?

Jaune: I don't even know myself Ruby. I want to do it with you too, but it just doesn't feel right.

Ruby: What do you mean it's doesn't feel right?

Jaune: I mean we should wait until we're married at least.

Ruby: What?

Jaune: I haven't told you this before but I'm a firm believer of abstinence.

Ruby: Abstinence. What the fuck is that?

Jaune: It means I will not engage in lewding before marriage.

Ruby: Huh!!! What kind of messed up crap is that are you in a cult. Is that it Jaune, you won't bone me because you're in a cult?

Jaune: No! I'm not in a cult. I-I just don't want to ruin what we have by sullying you before marriage.

Ruby: You can sully me if you want! I don't mind and you know I want your baby so you know that I will marry you no matter what.

Jaune: Still Ruby, no means no. But thank you for thinking about marrying me. I know that you can do better.

But before Jaune can finish saying his piece. Ruby's mind starts to wander into a dark place. And in that place she finds her mother...

Ruby's subconscious.

Ruby: Mom! Mom! I need your help!

Summer: Say no more my dear. Please tell me what's wrong?

Ruby: Mom! The boy I like doesn't want to lewd me.

Summer: Oh I'm sorry to say Ruby but I think he's gay. Cause there's no way any straight boy would say no to LEWDing you. Maybe you should find another guy to be your new boyfriend...

Ruby: No. Hell No! I will not pick any other boy but him.

Summer: He must be such a great guy if you think so. But it still doesn't change the fact that he's pitching for the wrong team.

Ruby: B-but here's the thing he wants to do it with me but he wants to wait until marriage.

Summer: Is that boy is in a cult? Please tell me he's in a cult.

Ruby: That's what I said, but no. He said he believes in Abstinence.

Summer: Damn organized religion... Ruby this is why I raised both of you to be godless heathen. Anyway, let me check who this boy you want to pounce on.

Ruby: Isn't he the cutest? 🥰

Summer: Oooh mama likey... Wait a minute; blonde hair, blue eyes and dressed like he's going to a Renaissance fair... He's the Arc Boy!!!

Ruby: Mom, you knew him?

Summer: Knew him. I actually promised his mom to marry him off to you.

Ruby: *gasp* I'm enganged to Jaune?! That's awesome!!! We're meant to be. I gotta tell Jaune about this!

Summer: Wait a moment Ruby. I know how you can make Jaune LEWD you.

Ruby: You do. How?

Summer:

Back to reality

Jaune: ... And another thing Ruby it's not okay for a girl of your age to say "lewd" all the time.

Ruby: *shakes head* oh yes of course keep talking hot stuff me likey when you do it...

Jaune: Ruby I'm being serious here.

Ruby: (I like it when he's trying to be all serious and shit. It just makes him look even cuter.) Oh look Jaune, you have a smudge there on your pants from cooking earlier. Here let me help you out. 😋

Jaune: It's okay Ruby you don't have to... W-wait what are you doing?!

Ruby: Well you have to take off your pants to clean it first right?

Jaune: N-no it's fine Ruby please stop it! I did not consent to this...

Ruby's subconscious

Ruby: Mom! What the F are you doing with my body!!!

I know it's my body but if I'm not the one doing the deed then there's no point.

No! I don't consent to this! What kind of monster would force themselves on others.

I gotta find a way to get out of here. Please someone help. I'm about to get NTR'd by my mom!

Back to reality

Ruby: Shhh.... Just let it happen. *lower pants*

Jaune: No please. I don't want to lose my virginity. There's still an Elder Scroll video I haven't watched yet... *struggling to keep his pants up*

Kitchen's entrance

Tai: What the hell is making all this racket... *gasp*

Mama Arc: Oh my... This early in the morning too. Looks like I'll be getting my grandchildren after all. Right honey?

Papa Arc: Uh yes. I guess... *sips coffee* (I'm way too hungover to be dealing with this.)

Yang: Oh, sis not in the kitchen. At least do it in your room.

Tai: Yang... Get me my shotgun.

Yang: Which one the 20 gauge or the 12 gauge?

Tai: The 12...

Yang: There's not gonna be much left of him if you use this you know? *hands over shotgun*

Tai: That's the idea. *load shotgun*

Mama Arc: Dear please do something. I think Tai is about to kill our Son!

Papa Arc: *sips coffee* (What do you want me to do I just woke up.)

Oh no! Tai is about to blow Jaune's head off. Will Jaune get to keep his head and will Ruby gets back into hers. Find out next time on Drag... I mean in the next post.

Dear viewer you get to choose what happens next.

[yowyowyaoi]

Zetsu’s Daily Texts from the Akatsuki

From Nagato

You can’t keep eating them without checking to see if we’re using them first.

300 miles? Is that really the closest?!

I can put you with Tobi or Hidan. Take your pick.

Put the letters where they can find them, then stay somewhere hidden to see their reactions.

Keep an eye on them please. No explosions, no sacrifices. Nothing to draw attention.

I’ve been practicing every day. Legs feel stronger.

I’d only risk it if you also want to risk being placed in a gengetsu.

I’m sure I’ll be gone before her. All I ask is she be well taken care of. It’s all that matters.

No. Under no circumstances. I need them all ALIVE and able to work, please.

You can ask but she’ll probably hit you hard enough to REALLY split you in half.

From Kakuzu

Yes well your appetite is proving quite costly.

Find where he’s hiding and I’ll give you a third of his bounty.

I’m not so sure that “intelligence” is a quality I’d associate with any of them.

Actually if you could naturally produce that we could sell bottles and make some money 🤔

Much, much too expensive.

I don’t care if you eat him but wait until I get his heart out first.

I’d rather you ate me; my body won’t be on display for him to entertain Deidara with.

It’s complicated. And by complicated I mean I let a one time physical urge turn into a years-long relationship. 

It’s the 1st. Rent and utilities are due. 

If I didn’t we wouldn’t have *anything*. Be grateful.

I’m not sure if my threads would hold for plant-skin.

Stop losing them for God’s sake each one costs $50 in materials to make!!

I’ll take your word for it. That voice creeps me out.

From Konan

Please don’t ever do that again. Nagato almost had a heart attack. 😡

It’s funny in a shouldn’t be funny way.

Wait you’ve seen him without the mask 👀

No I don’t care if they’re annoying we don’t have the time to replace them now!!

Ask Sasori to take a look. He enjoys a challenge.

I don’t care how easy it was to get, I’m NOT cooking with that kind of “meat” 🤢

No offense but do you even have nails 🤔

I’d rather we didn’t need to pick up and move again unless absolutely necessary.

Since we were children 🥰

I’d kill anyone who tried. With my bare hands.

Kisame may be able to but the rest will need it cooked.

You’re THAT old?! 😵‍💫

Stick to guys. I will remain the only woman in this group.

Can’t you eat them? Aren’t you part Venus fly trap??

From Hidan

Freak.

Then stop watching, weirdo!

Because if you take the body before my praying is finished then the entire ritual is void!!

Not to be gay but yeah I see what he sees. 

Then steal him some damn glasses next time!

But do plants even have dicks? Like is it green? Does it smell like grass? 🤔

He’s such a liar he wanted me since the day we met 😂

I saw you eyeing that cat and so did Itachi.

How do you say “Fuck you” in plant-speak?

They’re not “pink” they’re “rose”, heathen.

Ribs without sauce is like fucking without lube. Like what’s even the point?

If I could convert even one of those fucks I’d become a High Priest for Jashin.

Can’t. Kakuzu’s “withholding my paycheck” until I pay off that bounty of his that I killed. 🙄

So come with us. Everyone’s weird you’ll fit right in.

From Sasori

Elderberry, nightshade, and primrose. For now.

A mouse learns to fear other mice before it even thinks about predators.

Please stop that you gave him nightmares last time and I couldn’t work on my puppets for a whole week 😒

I don’t care as long as it has a big enough space for a lab.

Damn blue eyes trapped me for eternity.

An interesting experiment, certainly.

I have vague memories but that’s all.

You appear to be “friends” so talk to him and tell him to back off. 

Who do you think I am? That freak Orochimaru?!

I don’t buy that stupid act for a second.

If I suggested aloe vera would you find that insulting?

You and I are the least bothersome in terms of eating. I don’t, and you hunt.

I’ll contribute when the expense is relative to me.

From Kisame

So far only Itachi knows about it but the water there is clear and beautiful.

Your way of thinking is truly fascinating.

Of course you’re welcome to join us but you’ve voiced objections before to both tea and sweets.

No, I’ll BURY him myself before I let you eat him.

Crab and shrimp. Especially crab.

I’m aware. His smell is getting weaker and his chakra is shaky.

I admire your patience for it but I don’t do so well in the sun for so long.

Again? Why?? Who attracted attention this time? 😒

I don’t but Samehada seems to.

The battlefield is empty. Care to join me at the buffet? 😋

Between the prayer rituals and the constant bombing I just can’t handle either of them.

Salt is for the weak. Pure fear flavors the meat better than any seasoning. 

From Deidara

You can’t prove that was me, that could have been anyone!

If I’m successful there won’t BE anything left of me to eat so 🤷🏼

Idk you just look gray. Maybe stand in the sun for a while?

Ok we may eat more BUT his food costs more!

Wait is it real hair or like plant stuff 🤔

I didn’t this time he was dancing and he tripped on his cloak like an idiot.

Honestly not until I met Sasori lol 

Omg where?! Riverbanks are always a goldmine of natural clay! 🤩

I get that but I’m just not interested, eternity is so boring.

Low key he goes into this voice sometimes that scares the piss out of me.

Bc it’s weird man it’d be like watching my mother shower or something 😖

Like usual he couldn’t shut up and almost got us killed on the spot 😡

Not unless you want to pick the lice out of my hair afterwards.

From Itachi

Not sure of the exact dynamics but I think it’s second or third cousins.

Maybe it’s best we all just live with our own partners. Too many in one area and eventually someone figures it out.

No he’s as gentle as possible. I just have sensitive skin.

Yes but cabbage is so versatile.

You saw him? Did he look well? 👀

The glasses help some but most everything is still a massive blur.

I tried. Nagato tried. He refuses to give up on the idea.

There is no “before” and there’s no “after0. There’s just NOW.

No I know he ate it because he had the jam smeared all over his collar.

22 doesn’t really interest me.

From Obito

The right arm still twitches if I try to lift too much.

Come on weren’t YOU happy when he died?!

He can’t turn me down forever. Just picture him with the Uchiha fan on his back 😍

Yeah well he’s still my little cousin and I still worry.

I think it scares him a little, he almost walked into a tree that first time I did it on accident.

It’s not excessive; the sugar is literally the only thing pushing me forward right now.

I would bet money that he’s the worst Sensei ever to those kids. No wonder Sasuke was so weak.

The constant money woes are so tedious.

Blind or not his reflexes are unmatched and he could still take me out in one move.

We should have put more emphasis on intelligent and less on “skills”.

You’ve gotta admit the explosions DO liven things up 🤷🏻

What if you ate him and he could still talk from inside of your stomach though? Is that a chance you want to take?

Bonus: From Madara

He stopped responding two years ago he acts like I’m dead.

What? That little shit. 😡

If the blonde is giving him too much of a distraction, dispose of him.

You don’t need to pre-chew my food I’m not a baby bird.

Have you seen my good blanket?

What happened to my slippers?

🍆 I want this. I’m craving this so bad. Please bring it to me.

Tell that boy to come back I need a good bath and a haircut.

Perhaps if you hadn’t recruited so many *brats* you wouldn’t be having such an issue.

Whatever you do, do NOT let them breed.

Did you remember where I stashed my last painting of Hashirama?

If I was younger I could have eliminated the entire group within seconds. They’d never even know what hit them.

Please procure a backscratcher and industrial grade toenail clippers.

Wait until he sleeps and move several large rocks into his room. I guarantee he’ll cry.

First that young lass, then the Hatake boy, now the blonde. He never learns his lesson does he?

What do you mean he cut it?? An Uchiha’s hair is his crown! Tell him to get back here NOW.

I should have chosen Fugaku’s son instead. Likely a lot less crying.

[fluffypotatey]

Leverage Ep 12 >:3

Pre-show:

WE MADE IT TO THE FINALE

TOOK ME MONTHS BUT WE’RE HERE 🔥🔥🔥🔥

can’t think only react

So excited

Reaction:

Oooooh synopsis are you telling me we’re gonna heist the ✨insurance company✨ hehehehe

shit wait we’re starting there?????

OH SHIT

ok ok soooooo Nate is drunk (maybe???? possibly???? most likely????), he almost shot a dude (past boss????), past boss offered shrimp and Nate just went “I do like shrimp”

Bro?????? Is this a flashback????

They don’t give a time or date tho….keeping it mysterious for plot reasons I guess (<- is grumbling about it)

WAIT

SOPHIE

SOPHIE IS HERE

YIU MOTHERFUCKER

LEVERAGE YOU DIDNT

HOW DARE YOU NATE DONT YELL AT SOPHIE

they staged an intervention whilst giving him heist of his dreams 🤧 like a “hey, broski, your drinking problem sucks…..wanna get at the man who ruined you?”

ELIOT WITH GLASSES YES

ohhhhhh so this is why it’s called the 1st David Job

“While you are well-versed in dead guy art, I am not” I love you so much Alec 💕💕💕💕💕💕

Oooooh pretty art

Ummmmm sketchy basement????

omfg the vases 👀👀👀👀👀

Bro just let him take a photo????? Rookie mistake

Awwwwww let Parker play with the little naked man 🥰

Lmao Sophie does not need you to tell her how to heist a guy, Nate 🤭 so silly, maybe if you drank some water—

Oh ho! You calling the pope a heathen 😂 in front of an alleged Vatican archivist 😂 you got balls man

Mag????? THE EX WIFE?????

WHAT

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?????? Girlie why are you in a party hosted by the ceo of the company that killed your son??????

Parker is meeeeeeeeeeee

SOPHIE 😂😂😂😂

Oh dear…..Maggie what are you doing????

SOPHIE 😂😂😂😂😂😂

It’s what….15 minutes???? jfc

Alec turned the fucking statue 💀💀💀💀💀

“Breakfast jambalaya” well now I’m hungry

YEEEEE MY PARKER/ALEC HEART

awwwwwwww he wants to talk about it 🥺🥺🥺 I’m ok T^T totally

ELIOT 💀💀💀 YOU DID NOT

Love my chaotic, smart Parker 🥰

ok, so, question: they mention that Nate’s ex-wife meets him to talk about when the priest got attacked in the Miracle Job, but now it’s like the team never met her before???? sorry it’s been awhile but I’m a little confused. Shouldn’t Sophie already know what she looks like???? Bc she made the “she’s pretty” comment here like idk sorry I’m might be overthinking this?

Lmaooooooo SOPHIE

ELIOT IS DONE LMAOOOOO

Parker don’t throw the David!!!!!

?????

Ok does the ex-wife care as in she wants to get back together or care as in “we used to love each other and while it isn’t the same now I still care for you like an old friend cares”? bc I really want option 2

Eliot why would you bring up the ex-wife again????

Sophie……girlie what are you doing???? She looks so excited and idk whether to be concerned or not

Oooooooh parents are talking

Lmao that door does not help at all, plus it has windows???? The trio’s still there this is not a private combo lol

oh shit she doesn’t know 🫢

Nate/Sophie 🥺🥺🥺🥺 why are they so soft stop it

Fuck up the company please 🙏🏻

TEXACO?????

Wait bro what’s the new plan???

Alec lmao 😂 bringing out the pen, making the pilot panic

you not a fan of heights 👀 ironic

ALEC 💀💀💀

“FAA! he’s a hardass” 😂😂😂😂

ALECCCCC WTF

BRO THE PILOTS ARE STILL THERE

My thoughts on what the pilot’s are thinking: “fucking FAA….stupid new regulations….wait, why is he putting that on his head??? What’s with that briefcase???? Who is he talking to???? What’s with the statue????….fucking FAA…”

Ah fuck it’s option 1….dammit

YEAH NATE PUNCH HIS ASS

OH SHIT

WHO WAS THAT GET THAT CAMERA AWAY

And of course this is just halfway

YES ELIOT WAIT FUCK

WHOMST

WAIT ALEC BB NOOOO HES JUST A MAN LEAVE MY MAN ALONE

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??????

PARKER FUCK

LEAVE HIM ALONNNNNE

WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY BOY

FUCKUNG CROWLEY LOOKING DUDE BETTER NOT HARM PARKER

YES ELIOT FUCK HIM UP BREAK HIS KNEES

“I’ll come alone” fucking liar >:(

Sophie…….no girlie……..

Sterling please don’t hurt my Nate/Sophie please…..dont 🥺

He’s keeping Parker???? You bitch

Fuck 🫠 so stressed rn

Please tell me this episode isn’t over 🫠🫠🫠🫠

Ok ok not over 🥺 but still stressed

Nooooooooo Sophie/Nate please!!!!! You can’t hurt each other 🤧🤧🤧🤧 it’s not allowed!

Lmao you put it on the the edge of the roof, very classy girlie

ALEC!!!! BABY T^T

Parker should kill him, for funsies

Eliot should kill all of the lackies, for funsies as well • Hahaaaaaa so stressed

Girlie don’t you dare jump

GIRLIE WHAT

FUCK THEM ALLL UPPPPPP BOYS

I mean….they could cut the line????

Eliot you good??? Are his ribs still broke?????

Ok so episode is close to ending….everything seems well…but this is a 2-parter????

“Shouldn’t we call the police?” “You’re fired” said it like a true villain to his henchman 😎

ALEC BRO BADASS BUT STILL THE HQ????

Lmaooooo talking shit, piglet?

OHHHHHHHHH THE SHOT IS JUST LIKE THE PILOT!!!!! THEY’RE DIUNG A PARALLEL OF HOW THEY MET WHEN THEY WERE BARELY A TEAM AND NOW PRESENT TIME WHERE THEY ARE A FAMILY OH MY GOD!!!!

EVEN THE SCATTER WAS LIKE THE PILOT AHHHHHHHHHH

Final Thoughts:

[bucky-bucky-bucky-bucky]

Partners in Crime | Bucky Barnes x Reader

Hi, friends! This idea came from the increasingly ridiculous and lovely discord I'm a part of, and the silly banter between @sgt-seabass and I :)

If you like what you read, throw a reblog my way! 🥰

Tag list: @beefybuckrrito @shadytalementality @everything-burns-down @rainbow-unicorn-pony @mandersshow @breakablebarnes @glxwingrxse @psychoticmason @deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy @dreamerglassesgirl @lonewolf471 @jamesbarnesjr @lipstickandbarbedwxre @the-gods-gloted-but-they-burned @mrsdrysdale18 💘

------------------------------------

Bucky regretted this already.

You and Sam were in Sam’s car, scream-singing along to some song by a band Bucky had never heard of. The car shook as the two of you danced in your seats and the loud thumping of the bass vibrated in Bucky’s chest. Part of him wished he hadn’t told Sam that he had plans to go shopping with you. Before he’d even told Sam the plan for the day, Sam texted you to see if he could tag along- and of course you said yes. Sam was Bucky’s best friend, and you were undoubtedly the love of Bucky’s life, but you and Sam were something else.

It was like the two of you shared one mind- or one braincell.

You finished each other’s sentences, quoted the same movies over and over, and laughed maniacally when you were together, driving everyone in your general vicinity crazy. It had gotten so bad that you and Sam were officially barred from going on missions as a team. Rhodey said you and Sam engaged in “too many shenanigans” to be allowed to work together. Bucky loved that the two of you got along so well. His two favorite people being so close only strengthened his support system, but going shopping as a group of three was always a mess.

You and Sam could make anything into a ridiculous game or a silly inside joke, finding uproarious laughter in every moment. Every shopping trip consisted of you and Sam filling the cart with increasingly ridiculous shit until Bucky nearly lost his mind. There was an incident with a bulk box of extra-large condoms that almost got the three of you permanently kicked out of Costco. You and Sam would hide from one another, only to pop out and scare the shit out of each other. Bucky would often lose the two of you as you got distracted by feeling soft blankets and smelling every candle you could find. He’d sometimes find the two of you testing out every set of patio furniture that was for sale and ranking how comfy they were. He’d always sigh like an overworked parent, but he secretly loved the nonsense.

Sam rolled his window down and unleashed the sounds of TLC’s No Scrubs into the air. “Come on, Buck! Let’s go!” This was it- Bucky’s last chance to escape. He was faster than Sam and definitely faster than you. He could make a run for it and miss out on the chaos that was sure to ensue-but he really needed to go to Target. With a deep breath, he cracked his neck and prepared himself for the shenanigans

The car ride was loud and absurd, just as things always were when you and Sam were together. Bucky sat in the back, arms crossed over his chest while you and Sam named your top five Tom Hanks movies and your least favorite cooking shows. “Wilson! How could you SAY such a thing?” you turned to Bucky with an aghast expression, looking for back up. “Buck, did you hear this bird-brain? He said that Master Chef is better than Chopped…like a heathen”. Sam’s laugh boomed over the music, and he threatened to “turn this car around” if you didn’t agree with his wrong opinion.

When the three of you finally arrived at Target, Bucky grabbed a small basket, but Sam stopped him. “We’re gonna need a cart, Barnes”, Sam stated as though he were on a recon mission, “I need a lot of stuff”. He threw you a wink and motioned for you to follow him, but you hung back. Bucky already looked exasperated and the chaos hadn’t even begun. You took his hand in yours and kissed his knuckles, “I know Sam and I can be kind of a lot, Buck. I’m sorry, I-“

“Don’t apologize. I love that you’re close. As long as neither of you get kicked out of the store, I’m perfectly happy”. He pressed a kiss to your nose and a slap to your ass as he told you to go catch up with Sam, your partner in crime. With a giggle, you landed a kiss on his cheek and skipped away to find Sam.

After raiding the snack aisles and filling the cart with other “necessities”, the three of you ended up in the coffee aisle. A quiet snicker caught Bucky’s attention and pulled his focus from coffee beans in his hand. He examined the contents of the cart and flicked his eyes up to meet yours.

“Um, doll…why is there a seventy dollar bird statue in the cart?” Sam struggled to contain his laughter and felt his chest tighten as his lungs burned for oxygen. With obnoxious confidence, you scoffed at Bucky. Your gaze landed on the bird, and you stroked its head a few times as though it were your pet, “we need it, Buck. I can’t live without this bird statue”. Bucky gave a small chuckle before landing his hands on his hips. He challenged you with the quirk of his brow, but you didn’t back down.

“Do you want me to die, Buck?” a feigned, hurt gasp left your lips as you clutched your chest like an actress from the golden age of Broadway. Bucky watched Sam’s shoulders shake with restrained laughter and rolled his eyes. He took your chin between his fingers and angled it upward, letting his lips almost brush yours. “Baby, I don’t think you need the bird statue. I think someone,” his eyes flicked to Sam, “likes messing with me”.

An incredulous scoff left your lips and you pushed Bucky’s hand away with dramatic flair, “I see how it is, you don’t love me any more…” Sam finally chimed in, elbowing Bucky in the ribs and giving him a sad head shake, “tough break man- a bird statue? Guess she likes me better than you”. Bucky couldn’t keep it together anymore. He returned Sam’s elbow with a playful shove, sending him into a shelf full of Folger’s.

“I’m just saying, Buck, I see where her true allegiance lies…”

“Wilson, she’s my wife-”

“But is there a wolf statue in the cart? Don’t think so, Barnes…”

You forced your body in between theirs with another dramatic flourish, “Boys, Boys! Don’t fight over little, ol’ me…although, Buck, Sam would probably let me get two bird statues, cause this one needs a friend…” Bucky gave up, declaring Sam the default winner. He narrowed his eyes at you and tried to force his amused smile away. He gave a deadpan response, sending both you and Sam into a howling fit of laughter, “I’m divorcing both of you.”

Without warning, your lips met his in a kiss full of giggles and love. He smiled into the kiss and shook his head at your antics, secretly adoring every second. “Fine”, you whispered as you pulled away, “more bird statues for us”.

[peaceisadirtyword]

Heathen II (Ivar/Edlynn)

A/N: Hi! I’m so excited, thank you so much for the nice messages and comments on the first part of Heathen♥️ I’m glad you liked it! And I really hope you like this part. Ivar and Edlynn are going to meet 👀 so this one is not as boring I think! 

Thank you for reading🥰

Warnings: mentions of violence, kidnapping, Ivar flirts and threatens people at the same time. 

Words: 3863

Heathen Masterlist 

gif belongs to @therealcalicali

The first thing Edlynn noticed before opening her eyes was that the bed was even worse than the one in her tent. She felt something cold hitting her face and frowned, trying to move. It was then when she realized she couldn't move her arms. When she opened her eyes, startled, Edlynn noticed it was because her wrists were tied behind her back. Her arms ached from the forced position and her head hurt. She didn't even had the strength to scream when she saw a bearded man with braided hair leaned towards her with an annoyed expression. He had a cup on his hands. 

"Who are you?" whined Edlynn. 

He replied on a foreign language that sounded somewhat familiar, and suddenly she remembered. The queen's tent, the blood and the two men grabbing her, and her heart started beating faster and faster. 

Before she could keep asking, he grabbed Edlynn's arm and made her stand forcefully, her head throbbed and she moaned in pain just before three men walked inside of the tent she was in.

Vikings, she thought immediately. There was no mistaking them. One of them wore a crown on his head, he looked at her up and down with curiosity. Next to him, another one, younger and with braided, blonde hair said something in their language that made them both chuckle. Edlynn trembled in fear and tried to back away, but the viking that woke her up tightened his grip on her arm. 

The third one caught her attention as soon as he started approaching her, and what she saw left her even more breathless. He had the bluest eyes Edlynn had ever seen, cold and deep, that seemed to stare right into her soul and read her mind. The kind of eyes only a servant of the Devil would have. The next thing she noticed was that he was incredibly handsome. His angelical face was framed by dark hair, also braided although on a different style. And then she saw the crutch he leant on. And her eyes widened as she shrank in fear. 

Ivar the Boneless. 

"Hello" he said in English with an eyebrow raised. He probably noticed she was staring at him "Queen Elsewith?" 

Edlynn frowned. Queen? Did they mistake me for the queen? It made sense, as she was inside the queen's tent when she was taken. For a moment, she was tempted to say yes. Obviously, they didn't know her appearance, but then again, if Edlynn claimed to be her it could be dangerous, they could decide to kill her, or do things way worse than death that some men did to women. Maybe not being a queen would save her. 

"My name is Edlynn" she said softly "I'm not the queen" 

The viking's smirk faded in surprise. His stare hardened and he turned his head to glare at the two men that flanked the prisoner. He barked something in their native language, and the men started speaking fast and nervously, almost as if they were trying to excuse themselves. The man with the crown, the eldest one, said something too, while the blonde looked amused and seemed to be holding back a smile. 

After a few minutes of them arguing, while Edlynn tried to catch any word she could recognize and that would give her an idea of what they intended to do to her now, the one with the crutch rolled his eyes and looked at her again. 

"You said your name is Edlynn" he changed to English again, and she nodded slowly "Who are you? What were you doing in the queen's tent?" 

She took a deep breath, and looked into his eyes before answering. 

"I'm... I live in the court, I often go to pray with her, we're... Close, that's why I was there, I was supposed to pray with her for the safe return of our men" 

The blonde man, who also seemed to understand most of what she said, chuckled and raised an eyebrow, muttering something in his language. 

"And why do you live in the court?"

"My father, he is... King Alfred trusts him, he's one of his closest counselors, and my brother is part of the king's guard" Edlynn wondered if she was saying too much. 

His eyebrow raised with interest, and he turned to look at the two other men and said something else. She stirred nervously. Maybe they think I'm not worth keeping... Her entire body shook as she thought what would they do to her if she turned to be useless to them. 

Ivar was disappointed. His plan had been ruined by those useless men, but he'd deal with them later, now he intended to find if that shivering christian, whether she was a queen or not, could be useful.

"If what she says is true" he shrugged, speaking norse to his brother and Harald "She's the daughter of a powerful man" 

"She's not the queen" Harald sighed, visibly disappointed "Will Alfred negotiate with us for her?" 

"I think he will" Hvitserk shrugged "If her father is close to him..."

"What if she's the queen but is pretending?" Harald's blue eyes scanned Edlynn's figure, smirking when she glared at him and tried to look away. 

Ivar looked at her too. The first time he saw whom he thought was the queen, a few minutes before, he thought Alfred was a lucky man. She was pretty, even with the disheveled hair and ripped dress. Too pretty for a christian, he thought, looking like she'd been made by Freya. A shame. 

"I don't think she is" he finally said. He'd seen attitude when she spoke, looking at him in the face when not even some of the men in his army would dare to do that, but she wasn't lying. He was good at reading people and, even if she was scared, she was also sincere. 

"Then do we keep her?" Hvitserk was also looking at her, and Edlynn started feeling like a piece of meat left in front of a pack of hungry wolves. 

"I'd say we do" Ivar shrugged "And then send Alfred our terms, see how much he's willing to yield for her" 

Hvitserk nodded, agreeing with his brother. The girl's clothes and the fine jewelry she wore showed she was at least noble, and they could work with that. Ivar could work with that. 

"What do you say, king Harald?" Ivar's blue eyes fixed now on Harald, who decided to ignore the teasing tone in which he had said his title. He was used to Ivar's insolence, he didn't let it bother him anymore. 

"I agree" he nodded "We won't lose anything if we try" 

Ivar hummed and bowed his head with a fake smile. Harald didn't know if he was mocking him or not, but didn't really care. 

"I'll take her to the tent, then" he turned to look at Edlynn again. She was still wary, looking at him with widened eyes. He approached her slowly, and if she hadn't been surrounded by enormous men that prevented her to move, she would have stepped back. 

"Follow me, princess" he changed to English again, with a devilish smile on his pretty lips "I'll take you to your chambers" 

The older man with the crown left, followed by the blonde one that giggled before leaving her alone with the raven haired man with the crutch, the one Edlynn believed to be Ivar. 

Suddenly she felt him move to her side and something cold and sharp touched her neck, making her stiff and hold her breath. 

"I don't think I need to explain to you what will happen if you try to run, right?" he nearly whispered into Edlynn's hear "You look like a smart girl, so don't do anything stupid" 

She nodded slowly, careful to avoid being cut by the dagger that caressed her skin dangerously. 

"Come on then, princess"

___________________________

Edlynn expected them to maybe throw her into a cage. Or tie her up to a tree, leaving her to the cold air and to the few drops of rain that started to fall from the dark clouds. 

But instead he took her to a tent. It wasn't as big and it didn't look as comfortable as the ones they had back in the king's camp, but it was far more than she expected. It had a small bed with some furs and blankets, a single wooden stool and a small table. Edlynn looked around, confused. 

"Disappointed, princess?" His chuckle startled her, sounding much closer than she thought "It's not as... Luxurious as you might be accustomed to, but I hope you enjoy your stay with us" 

He was mocking her, taunting her. Maybe he wanted his prisoner to bite back, to have an excuse to sink that dagger into her neck. Maybe he was in the need of an entertainment. 

"I'm not a princess" Edlynn said, narrowing her eyes at him. Ivar looked amused by the reply. 

"A shame, you look like one" he smirked again. His answer confused her "Anyway, take a seat" he pointed at the bed before sitting down on the stool. She bit her lip, but obeyed and sat down as gracefully as the ropes that bounded her wrists together allowed her "Do you know who I am?" 

Edlynn hesitated before answering, but his curious eyes didn't seem as threatening as they had been earlier. 

"You're Ivar, aren't you?" she muttered. He hummed, closing his eyes and smiling, pleased to see he was still known and feared. 

"I am" he tilted his head "You've heard of me?"

"I believe many people have" 

"I'm flattered" he tilted his head. 

"If you want silver or gold my father will give you everything he can" she cleared her throat, trying to sound braver than she felt "And lord Edmund too"

Ivar's head raised again, curious. 

"Who's that Edmund?" 

"My husband-to-be" Edlynn answered calmly "We're betrothed, and he's a powerful man, just send a man with your terms and..."

"I'm not interested" Ivar interrupted her "In gold or silver" he shrugged "I can easily take all the gold and silver I want from your villages and your churches"

She shivered at that, remembering the atrocities those men had done all around the country. Tales of burned churches, entire villages destroyed, men killed and women taken and enslaved. Some people said they ate the children after sacrificing them to their Gods, or maybe to the Devil itself. But those things were a bit more difficult to believe when she looked at the man in front of her. He might look cruel, ruthless and scary, but he didn't look like a demon as people often said. He had the face of a fallen angel, beautiful ocean eyes, he looked human. 

"What I want" he leaned into his knees, looking directly at Edlynn "Is land" 

"There are lands that belong to your people" she whispered "The ones king Alfred gave to the vikings Björn Ironside and Ubbe Ragnarsson, have you heard of them?" 

Ivar licked his lips and held back a smile, but kept an innocent expression on his face. 

"Yeah, the names sound familiar" he cleared his throat. 

"The land is in East Anglia... The reports that we received in Winchester said that it was flourishing"

"I don't intend to build a farm here either" he shrugged, obviously not interested on the settlement. 

"Then what do you want?" she was nearly desperate now. 

Ivar tilted his head, sighing. 

"I would gladly tell you, princess... But you wouldn't like the answer"

Edlynn pressed her lips together, annoyed. He was holding her captive and wouldn't even say why. 

"So, you said your father is an important man" he stood up, startling her.

"He is" she kept her head high, showing he wasn't that intimidating even if he actually was. 

"Good" he shrugged "For both you and me... If he and your... Betrothed" Ivar imitated her accent, mockingly "Are smart and accept my terms, you will be returned unharmed and safely, but if they don't..." he feigned a worried expression, pouting "I'll hand you to my men" 

Edlynn shivered, but didn't flinch as he approached her slowly, menacing. His lips curved when he saw the fear in her eyes. Ivar leaned into her and she closed her eyes tightly when she saw he had the dagger on his hand. Before Edlynn could even think about what was about to happen, he cut the rope around her wrists, followed by a sharp pain on her hand that indicated that he had cut her softly. She hissed and immediately brought her hand up to examine it, ignoring the dull pain on her arms when they were finally released. 

"You will sleep here" he got away from her "And you will eat twice a day, I have guards surrounding this tent so if you even think of trying to escape, think again, because if you try and get caught you'll be brought directly to me" he pointed at her with the dagger "And you will regret it, so don't be stupid, princess"

She was silent, glaring at him. 

"Now rest" he pointed at the bed she sat on "I'll have a thrall bringing you some food later" 

___________________________________

Hvitserk was already nibbling on some ribs when Ivar joined both him and Harald. He had bathed and changed clothes, and looked much more relaxed when he sat down with them. 

"How's your queen, Ivar?" Harald laughed. Ivar faked a smile, even if he didn't find the comment funny at all. 

"Guarded" he shrugged, reaching to grab a piece of meat. 

"She's pretty" Hvitserk commented, and Ivar rolled his eyes.

"Is she?" 

If he had a coin every time he heard a man commenting on the christian prisoner since she arrived, he'd be able to fill an entire longship with gold. 

"Come on, brother, I know you noticed" 

"I'm only interested on the advantage she can offer me" he raised an eyebrow "Besides, she looks like the typical innocent, whiny christian"

"Oh, but those are the best ones" Harald laughed "I'm a married man, but your brother Hvitserk could maybe visit her" 

Hvitserk shook his head with a small smile. 

"No one is to touch her in any way" Ivar clenched his jaw, giving them an stern glare "I mean it, she's not to be harmed unless I say so" 

They looked at each other, smirking softly. 

"Of course, Ivar" Hvitserk nodded "It was a joke" 

"Besides, she's to marry a lord" Ivar relaxed his expression, raising an eyebrow "Maybe he would offer a ransom for his lady, too" 

"Nice" Harald nodded "Maybe she's more valuable that we thought" 

"I think she is, king Harald" he smirked, winking at him over the horn of mead he was drinking "I think she is"

___________________________________

Edlynn sat on the wooden stool, eyeing the plate that a girl about her age had brought a while ago. A cup of water and a plate full of meat and vegetables. Her stomach roared and she frowned. It smelled good, and she was really hungry after spending the entire day without eating. It was dark outside, and it had been an intense day. 

But, what if it's poisoned? 

Ivar didn't look like the type of person that would poison his prisoner's food. He seemed more like he'd enjoy sinking a dagger into their chests as he looked directly into their eyes. Besides, he had stated she was useful to him alive... What reason would he have to poison me? Edlynn took a bite, slowly and tasting the food to make sure it didn't have a weird taste. It seemed fine, and after she waited a few minutes and nothing happened, she started eating faster, nearly moaning when the delicious food and the water filled her mouth. Once she was finished, she went back to the bed, laying down. She was still a prisoner, but at least had a full stomach. 

Before she could stop herself, some tears rolled down Edlynn's face as she faced the fact that she might not see her family ever again. And Mildrith... Her heart clenched when she thought of poor little Mildrith, so wild and so alone... And Hilda! How worried she must have been, knowing her little girl was a prisoner of those heathens. 

Pressing one of the furs against her mouth to muffle her sobs, she let herself cry and tremble on the bed. She even felt sick, but stopped herself from throwing up at the side of the bed. She needed to get out, escape that tent and that camp and go back to her family. Edlynn couldn't stand to be there, surrounded by heathens. Her hand found the small cross that hang from her neck, which had belonged to her mother, and muttered a prayer as well as she could between hiccups and sobs. 

Then she thought about Ivar. How could someone be so beautiful and so cruel at the same time? His eyes reminded her to the ones that belonged to Ubbe, the viking that had lived in the court for a while and who was so close to King Alfred. Edlynn remembered him, his older brother, the blonde and big one, and two women. One of them was Ubbe's wife, and the other one looked older and was close to Bishop Heahmund, but her father never let her approach them or even ask questions, she only knew Ubbe was kind and nice. And he always greeted Edlynn and Mildrith when he saw them. Ivar had a very similar shade of blue, but his eyes were colder and not welcoming at all. And, at the same time, he didn't look as terrible as everyone said. 

Yes, he had mocked and taunted her, he threatened and even hurt her with his dagger, even if it was unintentionally. But Edlynn hadn't seen him drinking blood or eating babies, as some people assured he did. He looked like a man, a normal man with braces on his legs and a crutch under his arm.

As she started to fall asleep, the tears finally drying on her cheeks, the entrance to the tent opened, making Edlynn jump and turn around to see Ivar entering. His eyes first looked to the table, seeing the empty plate, before turning to the woman that laid on the bed. 

She was aware she must have looked like a mad woman, with her face full of tears and eyes red and puffy. If he noticed she had been crying, he didn't say a word. 

"Why do you have blood on your face?" he frowned. Edlynn blinked, confused, and touched her face softly, until she remembered the cut on her hand, the one she had used to dry the tears. She had nearly forgotten about the pain. 

Ivar's eyes diverted to the injured hand and he sighed, maybe relieved because his valuable prisoner wasn't harmed. He approached her, and even if Edlynn tried to move away, he grabbed her wrist forcefully, looking at the cut. 

"It's not deep" he stated, letting her go "The thralls will bring you water and a cloth to wash yourself before you go to sleep, I'll tell them to take care of this too"

Edlynn nodded, but didn't say a word. She was scared her voice would betray her. 

He stood there in silence, and she managed to gather enough courage to look at him in the face again. He had washed, and cleaned the dirt of his face, which made him look even better. Edlynn's eyes focused on the fine scar that crossed his face and lips. 

"Anything else you need, princess?" 

There it was again. The mockery. 

She shook her head. Ivar hummed and bowed his head with a smirk. 

"Then good night, princess" 

Edlynn wanted to scream at him, tell him to stop calling her princess, but stayed silent as he turned around and left as quickly as he came. She realized she had forgotten to say thank you. 

________________________________

Alfred was restless. Not only he had lost the first battle against the northmen, but he had come back to the camp to find his wife crying in fear. He knew their intentions weren't to take Edlynn, but his queen. And even if he felt relieved to see his wife and son were alive and well, he couldn't help but feel bad for her. She was strong and smart, he knew she'd survive, but it was Ivar who worried him. 

"My king, with all due respect, my daughter has been taken, I'm asking you to reunite your men and go find her" 

Alfred sighed, shaking his head.

"I do understand your concern, lord Eldred, but I know Ivar, he is ruthless, cruel and ambitious, he won't hesitate to kill her if we try to attack his camp" 

"So do you think she's still alive, my king?" asked Edward, Edlynn's brother. The king measured his words carefully, not wanting to give false hopes to the family. 

"I don't think they killed her, Ivar will want something in return, maybe a negotiation... She's more useful to them alive and unharmed" 

He did not know how unharmed though. He didn't take Ivar for that kind of man, but some men were... Uncivilized enough to hurt women in some ways. 

His stern face softened when he saw Mildrith, Edlynn's best friend, hugging Hilda, the nun that practically raised her, as they cried in the corner of the tent. He needed to bring her back as soon as possible, he needed to protect his people. 

"Today has been a very long and tiring day" he sighed "I suggest we go and rest for tonight, and will continue tomorrow... Edlynn will need us rested and with a clear mind to bring her back" he insisted, putting his hand on her father's shoulder as he opened his mouth to speak "Try and get some sleep, all of you"

"Thank you, my king" he muttered in answer. After a weak bow of his head, he left the tent, followed by the rest of the officials, the nun and Mildrith. Alfred took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes tiredly, nearly moaning when he felt Elsewith hugging him from behind. 

"They came for me" she muttered. 

"Yes" the king sighed, closing his eyes "But she was in the wrong place and in the wrong moment" 

"Poor child" she pouted, and Alfred turned to look at her intensely "She's there because of me" 

"You couldn't know, and neither did she, I should have left more guards here" he pressed his forehead against hers "It's not your fault, my love, we'll bring Edlynn back, no matter how much we have to pay"

"She will be fine, won't she?" 

"God will give her strength" Alfred nodded "I know her as if she was my own family, she'll get through this" 

"I hope so" Elsewith hid her face into his neck, as Alfred kissed her temple "I truly hope so". 

______________________________________

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[sarcastic-salem]

Ok, so first of all

I have altered my screen name so that I can troll recon Pagans

No, not really — I just realized it sounded better without the ever tacked on so I…..Yeah……

In all seriousness, when I wrote my posts about New Age stuff it had nothing to do with racism or star seeds or whatever. Tbh 100% I had no idea that New Age-y stuff even had a history of racism because I only looked at the core concept of the modern movement, and put absolutely no effort into reading about its creators. Why?

Because history is depressing and I don’t need that negativity in my life.

I mean, there are some aspects of history that really interest me. The founding of the New Age movement and Aleister Crowley’s use of human feces in witchcraft is not one of them. Like seriously there’s so much dystopian shit happening in real life right now I’m just gonna stay far, far away from the nonfiction section.

I am not an expert on anything witchcraft or Heathen related.

99.9% of what you read here is my opinion or some article that I found on Google or wherever and skimmed briefly.

Like for the longest time I thought that hundreds of thousands of people died during The Burning Times™️. Cause that’s what I was taught in high school — class of 2008, everybody🤗 And for some reason my tiny, dumbass brain could not process the idea of history changing over the course of a decade.

Btw, there were witch burnings and you can look up the law banning witchcraft on the English parliament website. I think it was repealed at some point??? But it was more like maybe a thousand or less people that died during the witch trials. Most of the documented cases were isolated to England and New England in the US.

Sorry for infodumping😅

But, yeah, no I am not an expert. Which is probably why when I wrote my New Age posts I was using the term “New Age,” sort of like a synonym for witch and/or witchcraft. This is partially because of the terms linkage to witchcraft and to Wicca, and also cause….Recons can be assholes about witchcraft and anyone who practices it.

And I don’t stalk people. Seriously, I have zero interest in making skaldish’s or whoever’s life hell. I just have a knack for pissing people off, and part of it is cause I’m ND and have zero understanding of neurotypical social skills. Like even in real life, I cannot read tone or facial expressions. So its amplified by like a 1,000 on the internet and yes, I am working on it.

The other part is cause I just don’t know when to shut the fuck up. So that’s very helpful.

As far as me changing my blog name to stalk people

Are you people on crack?!

Not everything is about you.

Seriously, I used to run a different Tumblr blog that I made in like 2017 and it was a MCU fanblog. Cause I was gonna write fanfiction and stuff. Then I didn’t

And when I started studying Heathenry I changed the name so everyone would know I’m Loki’s bae🥰 Then in like 2019, I changed the name again because I was harassed by some homophobic TERFs and, ya know, I wanted to avoid that. If possible.

Every time after that, I changed my screen name

Because I wanted to. Because I thought of something that I liked better. And, at one point, to prove that I was trying to be less of an asshole.

It had nothing to do with stalking anyone. I just got bored or wanted to start over. There is no devious plot.

And someone said I attack trans people?

No, dude, its just that being transgender doesn’t automatically mean you’re gonna like or agree with every other trans person that you meet. But if you’re like a transmedicalist or an MRA or one of those self-hating republican trans peeps who worships Kaitlin Jenner, then we’re probably gonna have some disagreements.

Otherwise, I just don’t know and don’t care. I’m not gonna try to defend some argument that I had years ago with someone I don’t even remember. Be mad at me, ok?

Oh, and me harassing skaldish — I’m not gonna lie: I don’t like him. I think he’s a pretentious prick who acts like an authority on Heathenry and being a Lokean cause he knows Scandinavian people and wasn’t raised Christian.

Which is why I have never followed his blog. Cause he pisses me the fuck off.

But a lot of the blogs I interact with reblog his posts, and

You remember how I said I don’t know when to shut the fuck up?

Yeah, that’s where this comes in.

Like 90% of the time I see his posts and just be like, “Cool, that kinda makes sense.” Cause some of the shit he says does make sense.

Then he’ll make a post about how ex-Christians are lesser Heathens cause we view the world through a Christian lens, and I just snap. Like I cannot keep my mouth shut up.

And I think the last post interacted with him was him asking why his posts made people mad and I said, “I think people might get upset when you make sweeping derogatory generalizations about ex-Christians.” And I wasn’t saying it to be an asshole. I was saying it because I think its true. I think he would piss off fewer people if he didn’t do that. But there were moments when I was attempting to have intelligent conversation with him, and it just somehow went downhill. Idk. Its probably best if we don’t talk to each other.

In all seriousness, though if you happen to see this, skaldish, I am truly sorry for everything I have done to you throughout the years to make you feel harassed.