#Who would've thought I'd spend actual money on myself

[helloalycia]

the king’s ward [three] // morgana pendragon

summary: as you wait for your brother to recover, you're stuck in Camelot and happen to get spend a little more time with Morgana in the process.

warning/s: mentions of blood, injury and kidnapping.

author's note: and here’s part 3! a lil cute one for those reading 🥰

one / two / four / masterlist / wattpad

By the time we reached Camelot, Y/B/N could barely stand, instead slipping from Gwen's grasp. When we passed the threshold of the front gates, I had to let Gwen and Morgana get him help as I stayed with him. He was unconscious, a puddle of blood on the back of his shirt and the arrow still lodged in his skin, stained. It could have looked worse than it was, but I was no healer, so I didn't know.

Soon enough, some knights returned and carried him on a stretcher, letting me follow. We were taken to the court physician, a kind man called Gaius who immediately got to work in treating my brother's wound. I tried to stay out of the way as he worked, but my eyes kept peering around as he removed the arrow, disinfected the wound, bandaged him up... the blood was a lot. Enough to concern me of his well-being.

"He just needs to rest," Gaius assured me, probably noticing my staring. "I've stopped the bleeding, though the arrow actually did most of that. You were right not to take it out."

I breathed out slowly, relieved. "Thank you so much, Gaius. I don't know what I would've done without your help. I thought he..." I couldn't even fathom it. Shaking my head, I met Gaius' stare. "Thank you."

He smiled and nodded. "Anything to help. Especially for the heroes who rescued the Lady Morgana and her handmaiden."

I didn't know what to say, not fond of the praise, so I took a seat beside Y/B/N's cot, watching as he slept. Sweaty, fatigued and bandaged, but alive.

It wasn't long before the doors to Gaius' quarters were opened suddenly, earning my attention. To my surprise, it was Prince Arthur himself, followed by Merlin. When Merlin caught my gaze, he offered a bright smile and a little wave, making me smile in return. Arthur looked both surprised and relieved to see me.

"Your highness," I said respectfully, bowing.

"I didn't think I'd see you again," he admitted. "But... thank you. You brought Morgana and Gwen home safe. Something not even my men and I could do."

"We couldn't just leave them," I said nonchalantly.

At the mention of my brother, his expression softened and he looked behind me. "How is he?"

"He'll be okay," I assured him. "Gaius did a perfect job. I'm grateful."

Arthur nodded. "Gaius is our very best physician. I'm glad he could get to your brother before it was too late." He paused, before asking, "What were you both doing out there?"

I shrugged, rubbing my arm with discomfort. "We were travelling, finding work. We take odd jobs, usually hired protection or entertainment. It's quick money. And plays to our best strengths."

Arthur cracked a smile, looking down with his hands on his hips. "I suppose you were always a good fighter."

I quirked a brow, wondering if he remembered when I quite literally kicked his arse, but chose not to comment.

"This will bring about a heavy reward," he continued, looking to me. "I'll see to it myself."

I shook my head. "You may have mistaken my words. I wasn't implying anything. I don't want a reward."

"You saved the King's Ward," he reminded me. "That's worth a lot."

"Her life is safe, as is Gwen's," I stated. "That's reward enough. I just want my brother to be okay."

He frowned, confused, but nodded. "If you're sure..."

"I am."

"Okay, well the King would love to thank you properly," he said, crossing his arms. "I'm sure you've had a long journey and will want to stay with your brother. The formalities can wait until tomorrow, if that's okay with you?"

I didn't want any formalities at all to be quite honest, but he was trying to be nice, so I simply nodded.

"Great," he said with finality, before nodding. "Merlin can set you up with a room for the night–"

"I'd prefer to stay with my brother tonight, if that's okay," I interrupted.

He seemed to understand. "Very well. We'll have it ready for you tomorrow then. Good evening, Y/N."

"See you tomorrow, my lord," I said with a small smile, before watching him leave.

I returned to my seat beside Y/B/N, staying close by just in case he needed me. Though now that I knew he'd be okay, all I could think about was Morgana and how she was doing. It had been so long since I'd seen her last – I was certain I'd never see her again, no matter how often I thought of her. And the way in which we met again wasn't one I ever could have imagined. The whole ordeal must have been terrifying – for both her and Gwen. I was only lucky Y/B/N and I found them when we did.

An hour passed with me sat with Y/B/N, thinking about everything and nothing at once; how we'd ended up back here in Camelot, or how long it would take for Y/B/N to get better before we had to leave; or what the King would say to me tomorrow, given the fact that he had never liked me; or about the Lady Morgana and that familiar warmth that spread through my chest when I saw her after so long.

And then just like that, the girl in question appeared at the door of Gaius' room, making me wonder if she was actually there or if my thoughts were running away from me.

"Y/N," she breathed out when she saw me, then let herself in.

Gaius, who was reading from one of his books at his desk, glanced up when he saw Morgana. She flashed him a smile, the two having seen each other earlier when he went to check over her and Gwen for injuries, and then returned her attention to me.

"How is he?" she asked with concern, grabbing a chair from the dining table and pulling it to sit beside me.

"Sleeping, but well," I answered with a tired smile. "Thanks to Gaius."

Relaxing, she smiled, and that's when I noticed how much more comfortable she looked now that she'd freshened up. "Good. I'm glad." And then her eyes flickered down my face, to my body, and to my arm. "You're hurt."

I furrowed my brows, following her stare, and realised there was a clean cut on my bicep, right through the fabric and slicing my skin. Deep maroon dried blood coated the frays of the fabric, along with my arm, and I barely felt anything signalling there was a wound. Shrugging, I looked back to Morgana.

"It's nothing," I told her, planning to leave it as is, though I knew the dangers of doing so. I was just too tired to do much more.

"It's an open wound, not nothing," she said with disapproval, dark eyes fixing me with a stare. "Gaius!"

"Morgana–"

"Yes?" Gaius called back, and I sighed when she began to ask him for help.

After narrowing my eyes at her, which didn't seem to faze her at all, I was forced to allow Gaius to clean and bandage my arm, as well as check me out for any other hidden injuries I'd missed. Once I was deemed okay by both him and Morgana, I was allowed to return to my seat.

"Satisfied?" I asked rhetorically when Morgana took her seat beside me.

"Very," she answered anyway. "I'm sure your brother would be, too."

I huffed quietly, leaning back in my seat as I stared at him. A silence fell between us and though I'd usually want to speak to her, I was too exhausted to think of anything to say.

"I owe you my life," she said, and I looked to her, unprepared to be met with how stunning she looked by the candlelight.

"You don't," I told her, recovering from my temporary stupor. "You were in danger and I helped. That's all."

Her eyes didn't leave mine, a golden-green piercing me with intrigue. "You're even better than before. Your fighting, I mean. There were half a dozen bandits and you fought them off easily."

I shrugged, unsure what to say, and forced myself to look away. She was making me nervous all of a sudden.

"What have you been up to all this time?" she asked curiously.

I told her just as I'd told Arthur, though it was a little embarrassing this time around, solely because it wasn't impressive to her and all I wanted was to do just that.

"Y/B/N takes the lead in arranging any jobs we get," I finished, my eyes fixed on my hands playing before me. "Nobody trusts a woman to handle a sword, hence the masks. If they think I'm a guy, they pay us."

"That's their loss then," she said with conviction, and it made me smile because her belief in me had always been sweeter than I deserved.

Not wanting to talk about me any longer, I glanced up at her. "You look well."

She shrugged. "I've been okay. I'm just glad to see you again."

And there was that warmth again, blossoming in my chest at both her words and the way she was looking at me. It could have been my tiredness or simply the fact that she was the most beautiful person I'd ever laid eyes on, ever, but I couldn't look away from her. The golden glow of the flickering candles made shadows dance across her cheekbones and her eyes were shards of emerald glass, twinkling and sharp as they stared through me. Suddenly, it didn't matter how we'd ended up here, just that we did, for it meant I could witness her beauty one more time.

"Y/N, if you wish to stay here tonight, you can have Merlin's bed," Gaius informed me, pulling me from my moment of admiration. Probably for the best, otherwise it would have been way too easy to get lost in Morgana.

"Thank you, Gaius, I appreciate it," I said, looking over at him in his corner of the room.

He nodded briefly before busying himself with work once more. Meanwhile, Morgana seemed to realise how late it was and reluctantly looked away, pressing her lips together. I forced myself to look away, pushing any thoughts of kissing her from my mind.

"I can't imagine how tired you must be," she said softly. "I'll leave you to it, Y/N. Sleep tight."

"You too," I returned, a heat creeping up my neck the longer I studied her figure; the purse of her lips, the shape of her jaw, the cut of her dress that exposed her collarbone and the milky-white of her pale skin.

Her hand suddenly pressed to mine and she squeezed gently, lips curving into a small smile, before she let go and left. I exhaled slowly, glad she'd left because my feelings for her were only heightening with every interaction we shared and I didn't know what to do.

When I found myself stood before the King the next morning, I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. I missed Y/B/N, who was given bed rest until his injury got better, and I didn't want to stand here as the King struggled to thank me for something I didn't want thanks for.

"It wasn't a problem," I told him after he managed to muster the words. "Quite easy, in fact. I'm just glad the Lady Morgana and Gwen are safe."

Uther nodded, side-eyeing me. "I'm sure. Those bandits... they took my knights by surprise. Otherwise they would have had it under control."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his need to justify everything. "I'm sure of it, my lord."

Clearly unimpressed, the King met my gaze with a tense jaw. "Here's your reward."

As he nodded to his left, a servant stepped forward holding a bag – of money, no doubt.

"I don't want anything," I said as politely as I could. Especially not from him, I wanted to add.

"Y/N, please reconsider," Arthur said, stepping forward and giving me a pleading look. "We can't send you away with nothing."

"You're not," I told him. "My brother has somewhere to rest up and I have somewhere to stay until he is better. That's all I need and I'm grateful. I'll be on my way as soon as he's okay."

"Fine," the King gave in, bored.

"Y/N," Arthur tried again, but I shook my head, making him sigh. "Okay... if you need anything whilst you're here, don't be afraid to let us know."

I smiled, appreciating his generosity. Mostly because he meant it, unlike his father who was only acting out of some forced sense of duty. "I will, I promise. Thank you."

Content with my response, he nodded and motioned with his hand. "Somebody show her to her room, please."

And just like that, I was led to my new quarters that I'd be staying in for the next few days.

With Y/B/N bed-bound, I had nobody to hang around with which meant I was stuck wandering the streets of Camelot and the castle grounds. As I did, I lingered by the training grounds, recognising it from when Y/B/N and I practiced there during the tournament. That seemed like so long ago now.

Today, Arthur was sparring with his one of his knights, the two engaged in a sword fight as the others stood by and observed. I was intrigued, unable to stop myself from lingering and studying their manoeuvres and methods. After the fight ended with Arthur winning, his opponent was getting helped off to the side, another one about to take his place.

"You bored?" Arthur asked when he spotted me, quirking a brow.

I smiled with amusement, crossing my arms. "Just observing."

He wiped his face, sweaty from training, and gave me a knowing look. "I can't get you involved unfortunately."

I shrugged. "I know."

He nodded, gaze lingering on me with partial confusion, before turning to face his next opponent, another knight. They began to fight and I continued to watch, genuinely just observing out of pure interest and because it put my boredom to rest. But then Arthur groaned loudly, still fighting.

"I can't stand your staring!" he shouted between swings, glancing at me.

A laugh escaped me as my presence clearly frustrated him. "I'm just watching, is that a crime?"

He rolled his eyes before disarming his opponent in a matter of seconds. Before the knight could react, Arthur tossed the sword in the air towards me and I caught it instinctively.

"C'mon," he said to me, surprising all the knights and myself. "At least give me a challenge."

Not giving him a second to doubt himself, I quickly moved onto the grounds, grabbing whatever armour wasn't too big and heavy on me, then got into position. Arthur engaged in a challenge straight away, giving the fight his all as if he were compensating for his last defeat against me. There were many close calls for the both of us, but I was able to counter any and all his moves before he could land a strike.

When I realised the fight was going nowhere other than the two of us holding each other at bay, I decided enough was enough and let him land a hit. His sword clanged against my chest plate, knocking me on my back on the grass. Arthur immediately pressed his knee on top, sword at my throat, and cheering and clapping erupted from his fellow knights.

I expected him to be smiling when he helped me up and pulled off his helmet, but only I could see he wasn't. Instead, he leaned close, eyeing me suspiciously.

"You let me win," he stated.

I shrugged, wiping my face with my arm. "I don't want your father's lie to be disproven, do I? You're the better fighter, your highness."

He rolled his eyes, shaking his head, though he wasn't angry. "One day, we're going to fight for real and I'm going to win."

I grinned. "One day."

He shoved me in the shoulder playfully, cracking a smile, before waving his sword dismissively. "Get out of here before my father finds out about this and we're both in trouble."

I bowed sarcastically before leaving the armour and sword behind and returning to the castle to bathe. After getting everything ready for my bath, all that was left to do was get some water. As I was bringing in a bucket from the well in town, Gwen bumped into me in the castle hallway.

"Er, what are you doing?" she asked, eyes studying me with confusion.

I looked down at the bucket like it was obvious. "Filling the tub in my room?"

She sighed quietly, before attempting to grab it off me, but I declined. "That's what I'm for," she reminded me.

"I'm perfectly capable of filling my own bath tub, Gwen, don't worry," I assured her.

"It's my job," she said, tilting her head towards me with disapproval.

"You're Morgana's handmaiden, not mine," I said with a small smile. "Thank you though."

With a reluctant nod, she stepped to the side to let me pass and I continued my task of washing off the sweat I'd built up from fighting with Arthur. After doing that and replacing my bandage on my arm, I realised I was getting hungry.

Wandering around the castle halls once more, I struggled to find someone who could help me locate the kitchens.

"Are you lost?"

I spun around at the sound of a familiar voice, surprised but glad that Morgana was there. "Hi. Yes. I'm looking for the kitchen."

She chuckled, approaching me. "If it's food you're after, I can have Gwen bring some to your room."

Lifting a brow playfully, I asked, "Does Gwen do everything around here? She offered to fill my bath for me earlier."

Morgana suppressed her smile. "Hmm, very well. Let's go find the kitchen then, shall we?"

I stepped to side, motioning for her to lead the way, and she rolled her eyes playfully. Falling into step with her, she led me down some identical hallways whilst making conversation.

"I heard Arthur beat you at sword fighting earlier," she commented indifferently.

Keeping to the prince and I's agreement, I hummed. "Yep. He's good."

She scoffed quietly, earning my attention. "Y/N, you let him win."

Playing dumb, I said, "Me? Let him win? Why would I do such a thing?!"

She raised an eyebrow, glancing at me with disbelief, and I winked playfully, making her roll her eyes yet again. Though this time, a beautiful smile ghosted her lips.

"How's your arm?" she asked, changing the subject slightly.

I wiggled it between us. "Still attached."

"For goodness sake, are you always this annoying?" she asked lightheartedly.

"Apparently," I answered truthfully. "Y/B/N may attest to that, but he hardly counts. He's biased, you see. I'm the more interesting twin so he has to say that."

She massaged the bridge of her nose as she held in a laugh, and I bit my lip to contain my smile. I'd keep spouting absolute nonsense if it meant watching her fight her own amusement.

After what didn't feel like long enough, though that was to my dismay, we finally reached the castle kitchens. There were a few cooks milling about and Morgana had a quick word with one of them, to which they immediately jumped into action. Soon enough, I was presented with a plate of a variety of meats, cheese and fruit.

"Oh, er, thank you," I said, accepting the plate unexpectedly. Then I looked down. "That's a lot."

"It's good for you," Morgana encouraged.

I tried not to laugh before meeting her eyes appreciatively. "Thank you." Looking down again, I knew it was still too much food. "I'll go give some to Y/B/N. He never turns down food."

She smiled. "Sounds like a plan. He's in good hands, y'know. Gaius is the best. He's helped me far more times than I can count."

"He's been far too generous than he needs to be," I agreed. "It's good to know though, thank you."

"I'll leave you to visit your brother, but take care, yeah?" she asked, resting a hand on my arm.

"I will," I promised, smiling when her eyes met mine.

She nodded as a farewell before leaving me be. I ate some food off the plate, my hunger getting the better of me, before taking the rest of it with me to Gaius' quarters where Y/B/N was still resting. He was awake when I arrived, sat up in his makeshift bed and staring at nothing. Though when he spotted me, a bright smile appeared on his lips.

"Somebody's looking a lot better," I said, mirroring his expression. And it was true – though anything looked better than the sight of him bleeding out with an arrow sticking from his back.

"Still a little weak, but almost as good as new," he promised, before eyeing the plate in my hand. "So, whatcha got there?"

I laughed and took a seat beside him, offering him the plate. "Some food for you. Knew you couldn't resist."

As he ate, I talked and he listened. I told him about the never ending hallways of the castle and the giant room Arthur had given me for the next few days and how I could ask for anything and just get it like that and how strange it was to experience.

"That's hardly fair," was all he said afterwards, mouth full of cheese. "I'm stuck in here whilst you get to have fancy food and sleep in a fancy bed."

I stroked my chin and looked up sarcastically. "Hmm, I don't know. Maybe don't get hit by a damn arrow next time?"

He shoved me in the side and I almost fell off my chair, but the laughter still came and soon enough, his eyes were crinkling with amusement.

Half a week later and I'd already felt like we'd overstayed our welcome. Or maybe it was just the discomfort of living somewhere we didn't belong. Y/B/N was still extremely weak, but he could walk, and after much discussion, we decided to leave whilst we could.

I'd enjoyed the past few days here, between not fearing whether I'd get a next meal or being able to see and talk to Morgana whenever I wanted, but it wasn't home. I wasn't so sure where that was yet, but this place was only temporary and the last thing I wanted was to get attached. Though I feared that had already begun.

Though Y/B/N and I had declined any reward from Arthur, he still felt the need to gift us both a horse and enough supplies to last us the week. It was much more than we deserved, but we actually needed this stuff so it was harder to decline. Especially when Arthur insisted.

"I'm not taking no for an answer," he said, stopping by the horses to see us off. "You need to get around with ease. Plus, these are some pretty good horses. They'll love you in no time."

Y/B/N and I exchanged glances before I looked to Arthur with gratitude. "You didn't need to, my lord, but we're appreciative."

He nodded before pointing to my brother. "You, take care of yourself. You're not fully recovered." Then he pointed to me. "And you... you owe me a real fight some day. Don't forget it."

I cracked a smile. "I don't think I will."

Arthur seemed content with that answer, a small smile curling at his lips before he turned to stand to the side. Merlin approached us to help Y/B/N load our supplies on the horses saddles. Meanwhile, Morgana stepped forward and took me by surprise when she hugged me.

"Goodbye," she muttered in my ear, arms wrapped around my shoulders.

I returned the hug, goosebumps spreading along my skin as I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her close. She shouldn't have fit so perfectly, was all I kept thinking.

"Be safe," she added once she pulled back, close enough for me to make out the swirls of blue and green in her irises.

"I'll try," I promised.

She smiled, eyes flickering between mine, before fully letting go of my shoulders. "I hope you return one day. I'd really like that."

"I would, too," I admitted, "but the King doesn't seem to like me very much."

"Yeah, he never really was good at reading people," she said quietly. "But I am."

My heart began to race a little, the longer she stared at me, and for someone who was usually so confident, I was beginning to feel nervous. Thankfully, a pat on the shoulder from Y/B/N forced us to break eye contact and the rush of heat up my neck faded with it.

Reluctantly, I moved to mount my horse as Y/B/N did the same. The others lined up and began to wave as we said our goodbyes once more. Y/B/N took the lead and I glanced over my shoulder once more as I followed after him, eyes finding Morgana's. She was already looking my way, smiling softly as she waved goodbye, and I found myself waving back, mirroring her smile. I'd committed her to memory without even realising.

[gabnonymous]

where have i been?

man... where do i even start?

i thought i'd make this post for the few people who've been wondering as to what i've been doing this past month. i've also been wanting to post on here for a while now.

nonstop studying

it shouldn't come as a surprise for some to know that i take my studies, somewhat seriously, though if i had the choice to pursue my studies or make videos, i'd probably take the latter just because its so much easier for me to do. i kmow studying is better for me in "the long run", but at this point it's been draining too much of my self-esteem... who thought it'd be a great idea to throw 10th grade math problems towards an art student who hasn't touched math in a year?

but no. i've been studying nonstop to take multiple college entrance exams throughout this year. the cool thing about being an asian is that you're required to go to college, or you'll starve on the streets... at least that's what my family's been telling me everytime they see my failing scores in my diagnostic exams... completely disregarding the fact i got an award for being an honor student a week prior.

after taking my first college entrance exam, paired with the fact i haven't gotten proper sleep in a while... my eye started twitching. i might be making it a much bigger deal than it is, especially now that it's stopped twitching for a while now... it still bugs me. doesn't help knowing i've had consistent headaches every time i wake up since then.

don't get me wrong, i'm grateful to have the resources i have for me to have a "good studying environment"... but man, i really wish i could do things differently, because who would've guessed that online classes don't help me in the slightest, and i can't even go against taking those classes because my family paid a shit ton of money for the course. it just feels like i have to take these classes instead of actually gaining something.

dwindling social life

i haven't opened up about this before, since it's still a relatively touchy subject, but i know that if i continue to keep it to myself for long, things aren't gonna get better either way.

following an inner conflict i had with a now-ex close friend after telling an inappropriate joke, followed by a brief emotional meltdown, i decided to voluntarily leave my friend group with the intention to try and grow as a person, alone.

and although i've apologised to everyone, and it's been a month since it happened, i still don't feel even remotely close to feeling comfortable being around the friend group anymore. ever since the incident, i've willingly isolated myself socially from anyone, trying my best to keep to myself and only ever interacting with people when they approach me, which sounds reasonable, but that also means having to spend long periods of time, with my own thoughts, inside of a classroom with people you feel scared to even look at.

i've been through therapy multiple times in my life, and have heard the same kind of advice time and time again from many people, and i have yet to see any significant progress towards my mental wellbeing for near close to a year now at this point. i know these kinds of situations require time... but there just comes a point where you start to wonder when that "time" will come.

i've tried virtually everything i could think of to try and combat my thoughts, with no improvement. it's come to a point where i've been intenting to see a psychologist just to try and get a concrete reason as to why i've been acting this way for this long... am i extremely anxious? am i depressed? or am i just a shitty person to be with?

sadly, if i do see a psychologist, it won't be till next year. so, i'll have to live with these thoughts through the following months.

life

who would've thought that my voice actors also go to school? that was sarcasm, by the way, i think it was pretty obvious.

i'm currently waiting for some of my voice actors to finish up their lines for an upcoming short. i was planning to have said short to be the first video to be uploaded onto the channel after a while... but by the looks of it, it might be the 2nd as i'm closing in on a gaming video i've recently finished recording for.

it sucks, but some things are simply out of my control. i don't like pressuring people to do what i want, so all i can really do, is wait. i just hope people do the same, even though it's been a while now.

conclusion (tldr, sort of)

i'm really sad and busy. school's been kicking my ass twice and i'm working on 3 videos at the same time.

am i happy? probably, i dunno. being stressed beats doing nothing, so, eh.

stay safe, yall.

[blahandwhatever]

Most of my time since Christmas has been split between work and sleep and chilling, glad to have the big hurdle behind me, enjoying my own cozy-at-home version of the holidays. Played my new game. Finished decorating my tree a little too late, but good enough to enjoy for at least a few weeks. Didn't have as much of a mess to deal with at home as I had the past two years, maybe because there wasn't as much of a focus on shopping - for gifts, outfits, and home stuff - to derail my regular chores (which, to be fair, I've also gotten a bit better at).

Did some fussing over money and expenses, tired of being strained there. Got my first paycheck from my new job, but it was very small. The next one will also be smaller than I hoped due to things slowing down over the holidays. With other jobs also slowing down this month - and studies too - there was barely any improvement.

I got some cash for Christmas, finally learned I could actually get that into my online bank account by doing a PayPal cash deposit at a store like Walgreens and then transferring that to my bank, did that, and used the money toward rent and groceries.

Got a belated gift card from a job and used it to stock up on a few cosmetics I'd run out of, leaving me with more of the 'oh, this decidedly does do something for my skin' experiences that it's easy to forget after doing the same routine for years. I've seen a fair amount of the 'skincare is a scam' sort of sentiment lately, and I'm sorry, but no (at least not all of it).

Tomorrow I have a phone call (with an agency?) about a higher-paying job (hopefully that actual job and not just their jobs in general?), but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I've applied for jobs very, very little lately.

Once again, I failed to go to Chicago in December. I really wanted to but really didn't feel like it anytime in the past week and also really needed the $10-$15 I would've had to use for parking (not to mention gas). Oh well - I'll probably go in January, and it should still be good.

The Nielsen Neuro labs in Chicago have shut down, so that era is over.

This weekend I relaxed and cleared various things away - clothes piles, mail piles, post-it note piles, dead leaves/flowers on the balcony I should've swept in the fall - to start the new year on the right foot.

My mother called, asked if I had plans for today, said she had the day off. I'd never been interested in visiting again a week after the holidays, but at least she didn't suggest a sleepover this time, and, given how she can't spend the day with my father now, I agreed to go for dinner. It wasn't a particularly friendly invitation, and she spent most of the phone call complaining about my brother, who had had a surgical procedure and hadn't planned or communicated things as she thought he should have. I listened mostly patiently but felt tired of this.

Today I woke up very tired, though I thought I'd slept enough. Might have been recuperating from my period. Managed to get going and get there at a reasonable time. The forecast had predicted a sunny day, but it was just another gray one. Much as I sometimes bemoaned my inability to get out before dark in previous years, winter with neither sun nor snow isn't usually much of a sight to behold in the daylight.

We had dinner, which was okay for a while. My father was home and came down to exchange Happy-New-Years. I had sent him a text earlier, and he'd texted back. Had hoped not to see him. He asked if I'd heard from my brother, who was staying with friends. I said we'd exchanged Happy New Years. He said, somewhat petulantly, that my brother hadn't texted him. I clarified that I'd texted him first. He walked back upstairs bitching about my brother being a spoiled brat who didn't know he was supposed to text his parents. It was an attitude I'd dealt with myself too many times, spending most of my life tiptoeing around this man's ego, temper, and toxic family rule minefield. But in some ways, at least as a parent, he'd become better in recent years, so this was somewhat unexpected. I sat there still and silent for a while, too full to keep eating, thinking about how much I hated my father.

Soon enough, the conversation with my mother dried up, and she said, somewhat petulantly, that if I didn't have anything to talk to her about, she was going to go watch her TV show. Went upstairs and left me alone in the kitchen with my coffee and pie.

I felt a little guilty but also tired of being made to feel guilty all my life for not having enough to say. By someone who, for her part, cannot learn to ever enjoy a loved one's company in silence, and rarely takes me up on offers to do things besides just sitting and talking.

She returned after a while, and I questioned her attitude, and she once again acted like the victim. Said nobody cares about her or thinks about her feelings, among other things. Said she didn't like feeling like my spending time with her was forced. Said maybe we needed space from each other like I'd sometimes asked for myself. I just felt so tired and done.

I bothered responding only a little, and then I got going. I cried a little in the car. Back home, I texted my father about his earlier commentary on my brother. Reminded him, again, to stop taking out his childhood neglect and trauma on the wrong people. I hope he doesn't respond. Aside from Christmas, we haven't really talked since things between him and my mother were more dramatic.

Didn't manage to get anything else done that I was supposed to today - too tired and out of it. I'll do my real end-of-year reflections another day.

Whenever I see a 'What do you want to leave behind in [insert year]' type of thing, the #1 answer is always my family's bullshit. I know that will never completely end, and I'll never actually want to cut them off completely. But I am forever seeking an ever more lasting state of psychological immunity, of being above it all, along with occasional nips in the buds of some of the toxicity. History is the evolution of the consciousness of freedom (from your parents, in many cases).

[paleparearchive]

Things Money Can't Buy

Kuroda's Christmas 4★ story (3/3) ( 1 - 2 - 3 )

Location: Christmas live painting stage | Characters: Kuroda, Aoi/MC

Aoi: (Those are the kids who received Christmas cards from Kuroda-san at the parade, right? I thought they left just like that, but they came to see the live painting too.)

Child 3: The picture Mr. Santa drew was so sparkly and beautiful!

Child 4: I thought pictures were boring, but they're not! I'm so excited and thrilled to see what you're going to paint next… It was sooooo fun!

Kuroda: That's good to hear. We have regular parades at the Palette Museum, so please come and see us again.

Child 4: You know, I'd like to see the parade too, but… I want to paint!

Child 3: How do I learn to draw like Mr. Santa? Do I have to learn it somewhere?

Kuroda: ... I didn't realize you were that interested. I have an art school, I can teach you if you want.

Child 3: Really!? Yahoo!

Kuroda: Deputy Director-san, do you have something to write with?

Aoi: Yes, here.

Kuroda: Thank you.

Here is the location and the date and time of the painting school.

Child 3: Thanks! I'll do my best to draw a picture like Mr. Santa!

Child 4: Bye bye, Mr. Santa!

Kuroda: …

Aoi: Those kids were very happy.

Kuroda: Yeah…

… Until now, I had been teaching painting to children who came into my school. However, I've only taught children who were originally interested in art. Today's children were not interested in painting at first. Even the parade would have been seen as something fun to do.

Aoi: Maybe so. But... They actually saw your paintings and were interested in them.

Kuroda: Yeah…

Works of art can be bought with money. Teaching and developing a child's interest in the arts takes time and effort, but it can be done. Van Gogh is a good example of this.

Aoi: (At first, Van Gogh-kun wasn't even looked at by Kuroda-san. However… He's grown up enough to be able to say this.)

Kuroda: But to catch someone's interest who has no interest in art… No matter how much money you spend and how much time you put into it, it's not something you can do.

Kuroda: I never thought I could influence anyone in this way… In the past, I would've never thought of it.

Aoi: I think this is proof that you have grown as an artist, Kuroda-san.

Kuroda: Heh, you say so? But… I think so too. Once, I set limits for myself. But depending on how you feel, you can even go beyond that.

Throughout today's parade. Getting in touch with those kids. I felt firsthand that I could grow even more.

Aoi: (Fufu, Kuroda-san looks so happy.)

Kuroda: The next art school lessons will be at the beginning of the year. Those kids will be coming, so I need to put in more effort than ever.

Aoi: Huh…!?

Kuroda: What's with that reaction?

Aoi: They only know the polite Kuroda-san, so if you suddenly make it tough for them, they'll be surprised…

Kuroda: That is that, this is this. Customers and students are not the same.

But I'm sure those kids will be fine. I'm looking forward to seeing how they will grow.

[0thsense]

7/11/2023

Wow it's been a while hasn't it? I guess I've been doing okay. Gym is going great honestly. I deadlifted 300 pounds and my shoulders are looking great. My trainer is away for a month which is annoying but oh well. I started running, I've gone two times so far and we will see how it continues. Dave the diver is fun. Started up stardew with Lily and Holly because Lily is/was going through a tough time, and Alex joined us. It's honestly not that fun but I feel sort of obligated to keep playing. In the past I think I would've found a solution or method for how to behave during our sessions to fulfill the goals of keeping Lily's mental up and also having fun. I learned that Alex had a bit of a crush on Lily and that definitely colors the experience a bit. Honestly over various points in my life I've thought about what it'd be like to be in a relationship with Lily. I don't think it would work out, and at this age in our lives I can't do that to her. Honestly I wouldn't feel good about Lily and Alex being together either, for Lily's sake.

I've been thinking a bit about how people in jolly have developed. In particular Ned who wanted to be a teacher and now has decided he just wants to retire early. He mentioned when he visited that it's okay to believe in what you want to if things are unclear, such as when it comes to nature vs nurture. He also alluded to not believing in christianity because then he would be obligated to give a lot of his money away basically. I used to think that people in jolly were less selfish than average, but it's probably not the case. If anything they are more selfish I think. It's left me a little disillusioned. I do think there's nothing wrong with being selfish, and it's the natural way most people live. But I wish more of my close friends were gripped with desire to do more beyond just secure the wellbeing of themselves and their loved ones. Of course by my actions I am a complete hypocrite here. I have done nothing for a world and for all I know I will just be a leech the rest of my life.

That last sentence was definitely my self hate coming up involuntarily. The latest theory in me-town for why I can't do work is that when I try, it triggers all of my self hate that I can suppress or distract myself from when I'm doing other things, even going to the gym. Confronting it is difficult. I don't remember if I've talked about this before but I'm also beset with feelings that I'm just not built well for our current society, which further makes me think that I will make nothing of myself, or that it's not even possible. Unlike Ned who believes strongly in free will, I believe strongly in determinism. I think that much of your personality lies in your genetics. I'd like to know what societal roles my ancestors filled during the hunter gatherer days, and find the analogue in current society if it still exists. You know how some successful people talk about finding what they were meant for? From a genetics perspective, because our society has changed so rapidly, many people have nothing they are built for today.

I'm thinking about trying to write a short story, but I'm not sure where to start writing. The initial setup for these things is always unbelievably annoying. I read on the chatgpt nsfw subreddit about erotica authors relying on spending enormous effort prompting chatgpt to write for them, and I can't help but wonder why they became authors in the first place. I wonder if they feel empty, or if they actually just feel perfectly fine. I think that the emptiness that bag-securing dispassionate people are accused of might actually just be projection from people who feel empty/would feel empty from not achieving "loftier" goals. But I wonder what's the source of the difference. I remember asking Martin about his goals a while ago, and he didn't really have any. I really wonder what's the difference.

[cxlxurbliind]

Guess Who After 8 Years Finally Got Themselves A New Laptop? Meaning They Can RP With Everyone Again? This Music Did.

[atinysunbaby]

Meant to be | Choi San 🖤

Warnings : Cursing, violence, mention of rape.

Words count : 2.2 k

Previous 《 Prologue

Masterlist

Chapter 1

Present

My cheeks are burning from the salty tears escaping my eyes. A tightening feeling in my chest growing by the minute. The sobs keep escaping me, making my body move uncontrollably. Chocking from the sharp inhales and shaking from the cold temperature. This moment, forever will be imprinted in my mind. Those images I wish I could forget, unfortunately will hunt me till my last breath.

I suppose it's what most people feel too when they lose their parents. I wanted to deny it, but I saw their bodies. They were cold, bruised, bloody and no longer held any signs of life.

The last time a saw them, I didn't bother much to say goodbye to them. Only telling them to enjoy their little vacation in the woods. I was more exited about being alone then making them know how much I loved them. Now it's too late, I'll never be able to see their faces again, hear their voices, feel their arms around me when I need them the most.

I woke up to my cellphone ringing this morning, answering grumpily, thinking it was my mom who disturbed me from my sleep. It was actually the cops telling me to come to the hospital, but I wish it would've been her instead. I wish she could annoy me every morning now, but it's over. She isn't here anymore and neither is my dad.

I'm in my room, at this moment, crying my heart out. I ran out of the hospital immediately after seeing their corpses. They wanted me to identifie them, but I left with people screaming for me to comeback. I guess they probably know from my reaction, that it was indeed my mom and dad.

People keep calling me on my phone, but I don't answer. I'm laying on the floor, looking at the ceiling, waiting for my sadness to subside. I know that won't happen anytime soon, but it's the only way for me to calm down. Being surrounded by people telling me how sorry they are for my loss. A bunch of fake assholes making me feel even worse about the situation definitely won't make anything better.

Slowly my eyes get heavy, I try to fight the exhaustion but fail miserably. I fall asleep on the cold floor of my room, my window open and the sound of rain filling my ears. All of this crying definitely used up a lot of my energy.

The car crash, I wasn't there and I have no idea of what happened. But I see it, something is in the middle of the road and dad just told mom a joke. They're laughing.. until they hit that thing, an animal maybe. It goes right through the window and kill my dad instantly, but as for my mom. The car rolls off the road and fall down a small cliff. Mom's still alive, she's in pain, blood everywhere, she's crying for her husband to open his eyes and answer her. She keeps screaming that she can't feel him anymore? His presence? Her breathing is getting worse the more she panics. Suddenly the door on her side opens and something stabs her in the chest, putting a end to her desperate cries. Blood is streaming down her chin, her eyes looking directly through mine while she takes her last breath.

I open my eyes to see nothing but darkness. I frantically search for a sign of light, I reach around with my hands. My eyes are open wide and my breath shaky, until my fingers brush against an object. I stop every movement, slowly gripping it and letting a breath of relieve when I realise it's my phone.

I turn it on to see a ton of messages and missed calls. One standing out, my aunts name, my mom's sister. I never talked to her, but mom insisted on giving me her number. I look around my room and stand up to look outside the window, only to notice that it's night time. The reason of the darkness and freezing temperature. I close it and turn the lights on in my room. Then I sit on the corner of my bed and hesitate a few minutes while looking at the screen in front of me. My fingers finaly press on call. A few rings later, Aunt Kath's voice is heard. "Y/N! Y/N is it you?"

"Yes it's me.. why did you cal-" I'm cut off by a loud sob. My eyes widen in confusion, but I soon remember that my mom, her sister is no longer a part of this world. I sigh and wait for her to stop crying on the other side of the line. "S-sweetie- where are you? Are you safe? You're not alone ar-"

"Kath, my parents just died. I'm obviously not partying right now, but I'm okay.. I guess.." She stays silent for the next few seconds, my blunt answer probably wasn't expected, but it's understandable. "Sweetheart-I uhh.. you have no one to stay with right? So.. your mom made me your godmother, i-in case anything happened to her.. will you come live w-with me, here in Korea?"

It takes some time to process what just came out of her mouth, my eyebrows are furrowed. Many feelings are fighting to take control of my body, but the one that wins is frustration. "W-what?.."

"She told me to take care of you if she wasn't there anymore... It was just a precaution, but I guess it really happened." She says with a small voice, trying not to upset me further. Judging from my lack of response, she can tell I'm not that excited about this new information. "I asked you, but it ins't really a choice that you have. It's an obligation, you can't stay alone out ther-"

I hang up, not wanting to listen even for one more second. I need some time to think about it. She's right, I don't have much of a choice. I turned seventeen not too long ago and I don't have any family member here. At least none that I know of. I sigh defeated, once again pressing on my godmother's contact.

She picks up not even a second later, as if she knew I was gonna call her back. She doesn't say a word, waiting for me to start talking. I clear my throat after freeing my lower lip from my teeth. "How will I get there? How about my clothes and everything else in the house? My parents' funera-"

"I'll take care of everything you don't have to worry, just bring the necessary and I'll transfer some money on your account so you can pay for your plane ticket. As for the ride to my house, my boyfriend will pick you up" She spend a whole hour explaining to me how everything will go and I agree after hesitating for a while. If my mom gave Kath the role of godmother, she must trust her. So I will trust her too, anyways I don't really have a reason not to. She's been nice till now and she'll even welcome me in her house, she's taking me in. "Thank you Kath, I really appreciate it. I don't know what I would've done if I was all alone."

Days later

I prepared all my stuff, ready to fly to Korea. It took me a while to accept, but eventually I warmed up to it. It's an opportunity for me, to start over. A new life full of adventure, new environment and culture. I want to explore the world so why not start there.

Unfortunately though, I had to say goodbye to all my friends. We cried and spend the last few days together. We promised to text each other everyday and not to forget about one another. Sad thing is, my friends aren't the only ones I need to leave behind. It's hard to leave the place I grew up in, my house, my neighbourhood, my city, everything.

In a few hours, everything I ever knew will all be in the past. Only the memories will stay, the rest, all gone. So the day my parents died, I didn't only lose them, but my life too. The life they gave me. Now, I have to make a new one, by myself.

Landing in Korea

The flight was boring and quite annoying, I didn't know what to do. A baby cried for what felt like years and a couple had an argument at some point. Then the person next to me started to snore so loudly I thought the plane was crashing. I'm glad to finaly be on the ground, the loud voices of people speaking indistinctly seeming to sooth me from what I went through previously.

I sit on one of the chairs in the airport waiting for James, my godmother's boyfriend. He'll drive me to their house, apparently Kath arranged a room for me already. She doesn't have any kid, so she's looking forward to having me over.

"Y/N!!" I jump from the chair almost falling on my ass. I luckily manage to stay on my two feet and not make a fool of myself. Upon hearing a chuckle, I turn around and see an old looking dude smirking at me, maybe in his late forties. "Umm.. Hi can I help you?"

"James, I came to pick you up remember?" He asks while pointing at himself. I'm still unsure, he's looking at me weirdly. I can feel an odd vibe from him. It makes me feel uncomfortable, but I push it aside and nod before following him.

We enter his rusty jeep, the doors creaking when moving. Despite the outside looking a bit ugly, the inside is clean. The only negative point would be the smell, cigarette and..alcohol? Paying a bit more attention to the smell though, it doesn't only come from the jeep. The man next to me is even worst, it seems that he might shower rarely. Subtly, I bring my sweater paws to my nose, looking outside to distract myself.

"So, Y/N! How you holding up?" His loud and deep raspy voice makes me jump for the second time. I turn a bit a towards him not to be impolite and think before answering him. "I guess it's a bit easier then I expected. I didn't think that I'd feel any better, but after a few days it prove me wrong. But I feel bad, to already move on.."

He hums next to me, nodding his head lazily. I wait for him to add something, but the car is filled with silence. I'm relieved he doesn't speak further, not really being in the mood to have a whole conversation, especially with someone I don't know. So, slowly I turn back around towards the window. My mind drifting to the events that happened in just a few weeks, everything is so fucked up. Fortunately, Kath and James decided to help me.

About an hour past since we came out of the airport. We just entered a forrest, James informed me that it'll take a while still. He insisted that I should go to sleep and when I'll wake up, we'll be home. I ponder for some time, but eventually agree. It doesn't take long for me to fall asleep due to not being able to get much sleep in the plane.

I wake up when the car come to an halt, a man's voice coming from next to me. Curses escaping his mouth, confused I open my eyes. The events from the previous hours coming back to me, tears threatening to escape my eyes. My body shaking slightly from fear, uncontrollably.

The ride was a lot longer then what James had told me it would be and I slept, only to be woken up by a hand covering my mouth. Horrible things happened in that car and it wasn't a nightmare, no mather how much I wish it was one. He said he would tell Kath it took us some time because of the traffic and the airport. Then he threatened to kill me if I open my mouth.

I can't let him see me crying, I don't want him to have another reason to hurt me. Despite being terrified and completely drained from energy, I swallow the bill in my throat and wipe the tears from my eyes. While I'm breaking down, next to me James is whistling and turning the car off. Announcing with a loud scream to Kath that we arrived.

"Omg! Y/N! Sweetie you really are here." Kath comes out of the house shouting happily, her arms open, waiting for me to give her a hug. I rush to open the door, but a hand grabs my arm. His nails dig in my skin and I whimper, both from fear and pain. "Remember. You talk, you die."

He puts my bag in my hand, pretending to be helping me. Finally I escape the horrible vehicle and run into my godmother's arms with a heavy heart. The second she engulfs me in her warmth, sobs spill from deep within me. She cries with me but not for the same reason. She cries because she lost her sister and now I'm here. I, cry because I've lost my parents, I lost my house, my friends. Because I've been raped less then an hour ago. Because I feel completely broken and hopeless. The new life I wanted for myself, only starts with even more problems then I had before.

Next 》 Chapter 2

[beomglocks]

colors ; k.th

part of the badlands series!

colors: “you’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece.”

based off halsey’s badlands album.

warnings and other: museum curator!taehyun, old money!y/n, mentions of depression and grass smoking, little bit of angst i guess??

taehyun sighed as he took down the 11th painting this week. the museum hadn't been very busy in the past couple of weeks, maybe because the weather was getting colder. one part of him figured that many people just wanted to be bundled up at home watching holiday themed movies and drinking warm drinks rather than appreciating enchanting artworks.

he couldn't fool himself though, he knew the truth. today's generation didn't care about the fine arts anymore. a shame, seeing as everything around them seemed to be inspired by it.

kang taehyun worked at his local museum. he had been offered the position by the owner one night while roaming the place. this should've been a red flag looking back. the owner seemed desperate for someone to fill in the position since the previous employee had left without notice. nonetheless, taehyun took the job and didn't regret it one bit.

open 24/7, the red haired boy was always working on the clock. not that there was much to do seeing as most of the people his age or even a bit older didn't hang around museums purely for the joy of it. actually, his only job was to exhibit the newly arrived collections, clean and dust them off, and conduct regular tours and workshops for the public. due to this and the fact that not many people even came by he would take regular breaks.

once in a while you'd see the occasional old person or art expertee roaming around the small museum. if you were lucky, you'd see the local edgy teens posing next to a piece they didn't understand just to get an aesthetic picture. taehyun would also have the unfortunate job of shooing them away or scolding them for getting just a bit too close.

recently his boss, who was the museum manager and maybe the only other person besides taehyun that worked there, had informed him that due to funds and unfortunate unforeseen events, the museum would be closing down in about a month from now. this caused taehyun to fall deep into a depression since this was his only job and he loved it here. the museum was like his second home. he found comfort in the silent images displayed throughout the building. they always told him a story and when new pieces came in he would sit and stare attentively at the new anecdote being told to him.

taehyun smiled sadly at the piece he had just taken down. it was a painting of 2 people kissing however both of their faces were covered by white cloths. this was his favorite and he didn't even have a clue as to why. probably because of the uncertainty of what the other was feeling or because of the fact that the other couldn't see each other's faces through the cloth, that would've made the kiss more exciting in his opinion.

he stepped out of the museum and into the frosty air of the outside world. it was only autumn so why was it so cold? he thought to himself. he discreetly pulled out a prerolled blunt and his white lighter from his pocket. he lit it and stuck in between his slightly chapped lips.

maybe smoking dope wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, especially for a boy so young, barely 19, but it helped taehyun get his mind off the inevitably of losing his job and being homeless for the winter. he shuttered at the thought. he would have to room with one of his friends, he sighed shaking his head. no, he didn't want to be a burden, yeonjun had helped him enough as it is.

he looked at his surroundings taking in the cold autumn afternoon. the trees had long lost their leaves and were bare. the sky was a murky gray color as if it were threatening to rain any time soon. he noticed a girl bundled up in winter clothes near the entrance of the building glance at him. he smiled at her and she jumped at the eye contact, thinking that he wouldn't catch her. taehyun chuckled as he watched her rush into the museum. "back to work," he said out loud to himself.

once the blunt had been almost gone, he smoked what was left of it and headed back into the empty museum. he was feeling light-headed, the effects of the blunt finally taking action, but taehyun was used to it so it barely affected him as much.

he made his way to the girl who was now starting to take off her jacket and scarf. taehyun tapped on the girl's shoulder to get her attention. "hi," he smiled at the girl, showing off his dazzling smile. "if you'd like, i could give you a tour of the museum." well what's left of it anyways, he thought to himself.

"oh...no thank you," said the girl. she smiled warmly at the worker. "well not to be invasive of your decision but it's sort of in my job description," taehyun replied as he rubbed the back of his neck. the girl sighed in defeat, "i guess i have no choice then."

taehyun laughed as he took her coat and scarf to hang up in the public closet, "yep, trust me. they say im not that bad of a tour guide, im quite fun to be around if i do say so myself. i promise not to bore you too much." the girl nodded, not entirely convinced. "if i do end up bored i will hold you accountable..." she took a moment to take a peek at taehyun's name tag, "kang taehyun," she joked.

as they walked through the museum the girl couldn't help but notice that it was fairly empty. "why are there almost no paintings in here?" she laughed hesitantly. "i thought this was a museum?" taehyun stopped walking, turning to her with a sad expression on his face.

"the museum is expected to close in about a month or so," he stated simply. "oh...that's terrible. may i ask why?" the girl responded. "my boss says we've run out of funds or something like that," taehyun chuckled bitterly. "people don't really give a shit about good art these days anyways."

"that's a shame..."

they continued to look through the various paintings that were still up and occasionally the girl would ask to see the ones that were taken down and left on the floor. it seemed the two were lost in each other's company as night started to approach.

"thank you for the tour of this lovely museum taehyun. it was fun but it's a shame such a nice museum like this is closing down," the girl said softly. taehyun nodded solemnly, he just wanted to get this day over with and crash at his apartment. he didn't blame the girl before him but talking to her reminded him of his harsh reality. a notification coming from the girl's bag made both of them jump as they were both lost in their thoughts.

"ah, that must be my father. he's kind of annoying when it comes to my curfew," she chuckled, digging her phone from her bag. taehyun watched her with a bored expression until his eyes reached her bag. he hadn't noticed this earlier but she had been carrying a louis vuitton bag. his eyes bulged at the expensive item that was so close to him, they got even larger when she fished out the latest iphone from it.

taehyun wasn't poor per se, he had just enough to get by since he was living paycheck to paycheck. however, he had never been in such close proximity to any luxury items. he suddenly felt weird being this close to this girl.

"what do you mean by curfew?" taehyun asks hesitantly. the girl sighs, "my father is one of south korea's richest chaebol's, maybe one of the big three at his point." she rolled her eyes as if this information was nothing. "he's super strict with me because i guess i'm just his show pony daughter whom he can show off to say he's a good father."

taehyun gulped, had he just been casually hanging out with the daughter of one of the richest men in korea? he felt sick at this. she looked up at taehyun's uneasy expression, "oh my god im sorry i just dumped that all on you! i just needed to catch a break so i came here, i didn't mean to drag you into my life story."

taehyun fixes his face, laughing nervously, "no- no its fine really. we all need a break sometimes right? im glad you got to have that time here." the girl smiled up at him, completely misreading his nervous laughter, "im glad i got to spend it here with you taehyun."

"oh before i go!" taehyun watched her pull out a checkbook from her bag and his stomach dropped. he silently watched her scribble some stuff onto the slip and tear it out, handing it to him.

"there's not too much i can take out of my account without my father flipping out but i hope this helps even just a little. whether it be in your personal life or with the museum."

taehyun eyes the check and chokes when he sees 50,000 dollars written neatly on the black line. he swears he can feel sweat going down his face like in the cartoons. "i- i cant possibly take this from you." he moves to hand the check back but the girl refuses to take it back. "taehyun, you love this museum with your entire being. i see the way to look at the paintings and the passion with which you explained them to me. i'd hate to see that taken away."

"plus, if you're gone who's gonna give me the tour when i come back?" she laughs as if this is something casual. taehyun's hands shake as he pockets the check, "i seriously cannot thank you enough...you don't know how much you just helped the museum and m-"

the girls phone dings again and she grumbles, "ugh why can't he just leave me alone. sorry but i think i really gotta go for real before he tracks my location or something crazy like that."

taehyun nods wistfully at the mention of her having to leave. he was really starting to enjoy her company.

"oh by the way," the girl giggles as she pulls her coat on hurriedly.  "was that you smoking weed at the corner of the museum earlier?" the girl chuckled to herself again just remembering it. taehyun furrowed his eyebrows, "why would you say that kind of thing at out loud and at my job?!" he scolded in a playful hushed voice.

"i just thought it was funny and you also smelled of weed the entire tour, i didn't mind though so don't worry," the girl concluded. she was starting to walk away towards out the door now. "i'll walk you out," taehyun offers. "such a helpful employee. is this in the job description too?" the girl jokes, turning to him while a smile on her lips. "well, not exactly," taehyun says smoothly.

she shakes her head, "i'll see you soon taehyun." he watches her walk off into the darkness of the night when he suddenly remembers something.

"hey what's your name by the way?" he shouts after the girl. for some reason taehyun really was hopeful of seeing her again.

"y/n!" came the disembodied voice of the girl he had just met.

[dishonestkilla]

Hate Me

This is a very short headcanon I thought of while listening to the song below.

TW: Angst, language, NSFW, 18+ content, mentions of violence, smut, toxic relationship, nasty smut it's nasty so read at ur ownnnnnnnn risk

Pairing: Drug Dealer!ReaderAU × Dabi

words: 3k

There was a thick silence in the dark alley where they stood. The only sound being the sound of tobacco burning on the other side of the cancer stick that was placed between her plush lips, the smoke she inhaled being freed the moment she breathed out, letting the toxins out towards his furious face.

Teal eyes burnt through her soul, shooting daggers at her. If a gaze could kill, she would've been long dead.

"So, that is all you are? A petty criminal?" The question was more rhetorical than something that actually needed to be asked. Dabi never knew what she actually did, hell, he now wanted to know if he ever actually was aware of who she was..But now, all that he could feel was a slice of anger blinding his sight.

"Yeah," She shrugged, still unfazed by his shaking figure and in one second, she could've sworn that a blue flame sparked on the surface of his scarred face but being the stubborn woman, the warning sign of his rage was ignored.

To her, his wrath was not justified nor was it plausible. This was her life, it had always been. Just because she let him spend a night here and there, caressed the side of his rough face, kissed his lips tenderly and loved him dearly, holding him close whenever she felt like breaking, it didn't mean that he could interfere in her business life.

"You have been lying to me all this time? Staged working at Kurogiri's bar for what? To get your hands on some filthy money?? Is that it? Money? Is that all you care for? Don't you think that our world has enough problems, wouldn't you like to be part of something that is actually worth a thing?" Dabi's voice raised slightly at the end, his hands flying up in dissatisfaction as he eyed her, but the sight he saw was anything but pleasant.

Her face had been contorted into a crooked smile, head tilted go the side just a little, orbs darker than usual. That grimace made him so mad, he could've sworn a vein in his neck popped from how tense he had become.

"Listen to yourself, acting all big and tough. Fucking hell," Y/N blurted, a big puff of smoke leaving her throat as she laughed out, "So what if I am not the Messiah. So what if I am not like you, a saint, a chosen one. I have been doing this ever since I left home, if you don't like it, you don't have to be going out with me." She continued, face turning serious, her orbs now igniting a new flame in themselves.

"You don't have to love me, if you don't want to accept me," her voice was barely audible when she said that but knowing Dabi, Y/N was sure he heard her.

"Why don't you let me help you then? Because I do love you, fuck, I love you so much, isn't it proof enough that I'd put myself as a villain at risk to be exposed to some junkie that would die to sell me to the police? Just to be able to he-" before the real eyed male could continue, he was interrupted, Y/N now also tensed up, lips quivering, she was mad and it was evident.

"I don't need your damn help, you bastard!" And in the next second, her hand had made contact with the surface of his face, leaving a red print behind.

"I owe you nothing and don't want to either," she hissed, jaw clenching, hands balled into fists as her gaze was now hunting him down.

"Owe me? Who in the fuck told you that in a relationship people owe each other things?!"

"Who in the fuck dated you, so that you know now?!" Her words weren't little knives into his hearts, no, it was like her ever so soft hands wrapped around the organ itself, crushing it inside of his chest. Just like that.

"You don't mean that," He whispered, now suddenly vulnerable, hurt and saddened.

"Yes, I do. I do, because you always claim to know everything, mess up my business, try to tell me what the fuck to do, and then dare to teach me on relationships. Reality check, Dabi. You're a villain, a burnt, brutal, scary villain. Nothing more." She yelled at this point. Tears welling up in her eyes, entire body shaking in frustration as her voice made it's way to the ears of the black haired man.

His lips were shaking, and now it wasn't only anger and sadness inside of his guts, it was something much worse.

Dabi wanted to wrap his hands around her throat and squeeze. Hard.

But no, not like one of the times where he had her against the wall, hips plowing into hers, one nipple between his fingers as she moaned loudly at his ministrations, head against the concrete. Not like those times where he let out his steam on her, ravaging her body, leaving purple marks on her satin alike skin that he had adorned with love bites moments before.

It wasn't one of the many moments in which she submitted to him with a mewl because of how roughly his digits burned her as a sign of affection alongside of his length caressing her velvety walls, bruising thrusts being the source for the nasty clapping and squelching noises that filled the room of the empty bathroom stall in some random club.

This was different, he wanted to cut her oxygen supply for good, watch as her face started to grimace, eyes rolling back as he took her life ever so slowly before burning her perfect body in his flames, feeling her warmth one last time before extinguishing her.

Without even noticing, he had moved forward, trapping her between the brick barricade behind her, caging her between his arms while holding her down with his own weight.

The way she looked at him caused a low growl to erupt his chest, a rush of heat running down his spine as he watched her with intent eyes.

Now, it was his turn to smirk twistedly at Y/N as the girl gulped. It wasn't like she was weak, the opposite, her quirk was one to be feared at least to say, after all, she could manipulate other people's nerves to bend at her own will, if she wanted to, she could cause him severe pain, but instead of that, she let him pin her down with his eyes. Despite of being powerful, she was fairly aware of Dabi's high pain tolerance as well as his immense strength. Y/N wasn't stupid enough to try and fight the male when she was intoxicated at that.

"Let me show you what you do to me.."

Before she could even protest, his lips had been attached to her sweet spot right below her right ear, a meal leaving her plump lips, melting at his touch and the way his calloused hands traveled the surface of her body. Arms now around his neck as she pulled him impossibly closer, causing Dabi to snicker against her throat while leaving wet kisses on her neck, marking her in his wake.

"Look at you, already a whimpering mess and I haven't even started yet," he rasped, now standing up straight again to meet her desperate gaze.

"Shut up," the girl retorted with sass, now it was her turn to tease him.

Lips colliding with his own, the taste of nicotine and whiskey flooding her senses, everything a blur and the reason on why they had started to banter long forgotten, the only thing mattering being their lust and desire for one another.

While his fingers tugged at the strands of her locks, her own had started to fumble with his belt, haphazardly ripping away the leather piece before she slid down the wall to kneel in front of his growing erection.

The heels of her shoes now meeting the wall as he had granted little space so she could do whatever she wanted to.

Soft pecks placing themselves against his restrained bulge before his hands wrapped themselves around her hair, making her look up at his gaze, "Get to it," he ordered and Y/N didn't have to be told twice before pulling his pants and boxers down to below his thighs, just enough to grant access to the angry tip of his cock, precum already leaking down the slit.

Experimentally she licked a stripe from his base to the tip, tasting his slightly pineapple flavoured release.

Yes, pineapple. She had forced him to eat the fruit regularly, if he wanted her lips around his length and his shaft down her throat.

One hand wrapped around him, thumb and index finger not able to touch, she started to jerk off the tall individual in front of herself, eyes focused on his leaking tip, paying attention to the area with kitten licks.

"Did you forget how to suck dick? Do I have to remind you?" He snapped at her, a sneaky smirk on his face.

Not wanting to play his petty game, the female let her head down till her nose met with his pubic bone, irises blown wide with lust at the sight of him groaning, his head lulled back at the immense pressure of feeling the walls of her throat inviting him.

Repeating the action a few times she then proceeded to suck down his erection with quick yet impactful bobbing motions, cheeks hollowing around him, practically milking him for whatever he was about to give her.

The two were fighting, they hated each other at times and probably had been at the verge of killing the other more than just once, however, they also knew each other more than anyone else did and not only physically but also emotionally. Now, the knowledge of one another's body and sweet spots were the advantage of their frankly scandalous little escapade in some dark alleyway where she had been dealing some of her 'happy pills' and 'devil's lettuce' the latter being what she was high on herself. The only difference being the passion and burning desire that fueled her intoxicated mind to wander even more. 'Test the waters and play with fire', as she liked to say.

One of his scarred hands darted out into her hair, nimble fingers digging in as he took a fist of her locks into his palm, pulling her head down his entire shaft, the intrusion causing a soft gag to escape her throat, eyes shooting up to meet his mischievous gaze upon her, the sight of his lazy smirk yet fiery orbs sending a jolt straight to her core.

He had regained control of what was going down, his hips now ramming into her mouth as if it was a fleshlight for him to abuse. The mere sight of how her pretty lips wrapped around his tip just to be parted more whilst he forced her down onto his length, the way she salivated all over him, drool now dribbling down onto her exposed cleavage that was peeking up from underneath the flimsy top she wore, her eyes slowly watering as she laid her hands on either side of his thick thighs. It was mesmerizing, if he could he would take a picture of it.

Finally satisfied with one last thrust into her sloppy cavern, the male didn't wait any longer before pulling her up to her wobbly legs, turning her around, he pushed her face into the wall behind herself, moving behind her as his lips latched onto her neck again, leaving bite marks here and there while his hands made quick work of her leather pants, pulling them down her thighs hastily, groaning at the sight of her lacy panties, "Seems like you've expected this, yeah? Getting fucked by no other than your man in a nasty alleyway." Making her sneer at him, she was quick to reply to his comment, "My man? Darling, you're not even a man in the first place!" That was it.

That was what caused his next moves to be crude and rougher than usual.

Pinning her arms behind her back as he bent her over against the wall, hips plowing into her, intruding her insides to spread for him, grunting as her wet, spongy walls clenched around him.

Without further do, he started to slam into her with slow, yet deep thrusts, the force of each thrust causing her entire body to jolt forward, pushing her against the wall even more.

His moves never faltered as he pulled out of her so merely his tip was coated in her juices, forcing his entire dick into her repeatedly before he set a steady pace of in and out.

Dabi was taking his time judging on how he dragged out the moment by changing between steady thrusts and reckless ramming.

One hand that supported her hips whilst she moaned and mewled at her insides being rearranged by him over and over, lifted, igniting a fire for a second before raining down onto each ass cheek of the girl in front of himself, leaving red hand prints that would stay for quite some time, marking her squeal at the force, the rough treatment being painful yet so pleasant that she couldn't help but moan out incoherent words as his hips sped up to an erratic pace, knocking the air out of her lungs.

"Yeah? What was that? Who isn't your man, huh? Say that again, I want to hear you say it." The way his voice seemed so unfazed caused her to roll back her hips like some sex-crazed animal, whimpering at the lack of treatment when he suddenly pulled out just to forcefully pull her flush against himself.

However, Y/N wasn't that fragile, with that being said, a smirk crept onto the female's flushed face, "Not you-" Her answer caused a low growl emit from the male, as he pulled her back by her hair, now back arched even more as he groaned against her ear, voice raspy, the hand that held her wrists wrapping around her throat, cutting the air supply of the girl, hips assaulting her again, the sound of skin slapping filling the quiet alley.

As her walls clenched yet again caused by him abusing her cunt for more than half an hour without letting her release, each time pulling out just to make sure she'd get the message of who was in charge. At this point she was shaking, her jaw slack while tears ran down her cheeks, staining her face.

"Come on, baby, tell everyone here who your man is and I will fuck you until you cum all over my cock, little slut," He could swear that he felt her grow even tighter around his length as he degraded her yet again.

"D-D-Dabi.." her voice was a mere whisper and not enough for the hot headed man, shaking his head as his hips came to a halt again. Denying her release all over.

"What, princess, I couldn't hear you and I bet no one else could either. Use your pretty brain if you want to cum."

Those words finally pulled her trigger as she started to beg the wanted villain, "H-hah~ Please, Dabi, I am yours, all yours and - you're my m-man, please make me cum.." She pleaded, voice desperate and in a hoarse tone.

Pleased with her begging, the black haired criminal picked up his recklessly rough pace again, one hand creeping to her front as he started to rub her clit in circles, and all of that combined to the low growl and grunts coming from him while biting her neck was enough to make white flash in her vision, body trembling as her release gushed out of her abused hole, screaming out his name.

Vigorously shaking in his arms as he worked her furthermore until he released his seed into her, painting her walls white whilst she milked him.

"I've got you, I've got you." The man cooed, caressing her body as he slowly let her calm down before pulling out of her, helping her redress as he pulled his pants up himself, watching her lean against the wall, hair tousled and mascara running down her eyes as he held out a hand, wiping away the black streaks lovingly, her head automatically leaning into his touch.

"I hate everything about you," she mumbled, making him chuckle, cocking an eyebrow at her as he watched her put a blunt between those lips of hers, lighting up the piece before inhaling the toxins inside of it, eyes rolling to the back of her head in comfort.

Moving forward he took the piece from her, he grabbed her jaw after she took another big hit, kissing her softly, tongues and smoke mixing together before he took her hand and lead her to his nearby apartment, with her just strolling after him like a lost puppy just to be cuddled up on his chest moments later upon her arrival in his shabby little space, arms around him while smoking yet another blunt.

Looking up at his turquoise eyes that held so many unreadable emotions, she let out a huff, pouting at him before laying her cheek flat against the surface of his sternum again.

"I didn't mean that," She slowly admitted, looking up to see him smirk a little, man if she could've just punched him. Well, she could..But shouldn't..Unless..

"I know that you were just Dic-"

"Don't say it, I swear to god, do not say it!"

"Dickrived,"

"Ugh! you're such a dork."

Both laughed at the silly comment Dabi made proudly, his entire chest puffing up before he embraced her with his arms, "Am I really such a monster?" He suddenly asked before she unexpectedly kissed his lips with passion, in an attempt to quiet him down.

"Shush, no you aren't. And even if you were.. You are my monster." Those were the last few words he heard before they both drifted off to sleep, never knowing what would expect them next.

-----------------

A/N: This took longer than I thought, phew. Hope y'all thirsty ones liked it hehe.

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 2576

i had therapy first thing this morning. it was nice to talk to christine and catch up.

it was also nice to not wake up in excruciating pain. i guess doing those massages worked really well for me. considering it's been hurting less and less, and i can actually shift my jaw and eat things now, it's going pretty well. i'm excited. and, as i write this at 2am, i have almost all of my hearing back. hell yeah. it's still a little tender to the touch, and my jaw is still a little sore and tough to open, but it's way better than it was.

today i helped my mom with her service project. it's not technically her service project, but she was in charge of organizing it and stuff, but she wasn't able to be there in person as people made them. which yielded results that were frustrating and pathetic at best. i'm fixing them. but the issue is they need to be hand stitched, and apparently the women in the peterborough ward don't know how to sew?? isn't that, like, a basic mormon woman skill??? in the merrimack ward it was. ask anyone and they could tell you how to fix something. shit dude, fuckin. backwoods bullshit.

anyway, the end results are honestly sad. 100% frustrating. 100% makes me mad. like?? they're so poorly constructed?? how do you take pride in shitty work???? do you know what a job well done actually is?????

anyway.

i got my mothman dice in the mail!!! they're PERFECT!!!!

i love them so much.

i also finally opened the box of giveaway stuff i was sent by @arrow-guy who (1) is an angel and (2) did a giveaway, the only part of which i could remember was the blind date with a book. and i gotta tell you, i was SO excited to be recommended a book by a friend. i've done the "blind date with a book" before, and it ended up being the first book in the tales from earthsea series by ursula k leguin, which was fuckin awesome. this one that erin sent had the words "post-apocalyptic" and "space colonies" in the description, and i was like "THAT ONE I WANT THAT ONE." and i said i'd open it as a reward after finishing my paper, and i'm all done with my paper, so i saw it today and remembered i hadn't opened it. so i grabbed it and i opened it and oh my GOD was it spectacular. SO MUCH STUFF. HOLY SHIT.

OBSERVE.

SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IM SO EXCITED

and salvation day is a THRILLER and i'm SO EXCITED TO READ IT. i'll probably spend the rest of the week reading. i'm excited. all of this stuff is fuckin awesome. i'm so happy. @arrow-guy you ROCK. FOREVER.

i got a phone call today from someone that i couldn't figure out what they were saying, so i had to listen to the message half a dozen times to figure out the girl was saying "boxlunch at the mall." apparently i had completely forgotten about an order i had placed, and it was in, so eventually today i went and got it. i turned the simple trip into an excursion and i invited hannah and kianna along, but kianna was tired and didn't want to leave the couch (which, yknow, mood), so i picked up the stuff, picked some other stuff out, went to hot topic and picked up other stuff, went to the lindt store for chocolate for mom, and went to get froyo, and after that, we went to hang out with nick and kianna and eat our froyo together.

but look upon my spoils, for they are many.

i also got some other things too. like a t-shirt and chocolate.

overall a pretty good day. spent a lot of money. talked a little bit to joel. talked to myself about my worry over FF, because for all i talk bit about "hey i'm absolutely in love with you" it's not even that. they're just. they're really just my friend. i think they're fascinating and i love talking to them. sure, i fell a little bit in love with them. but it's the same with everybody i meet. i always fall in love with people a little bit. how can i not?

anyway. i'm worried. well, maybe not worried-worried. concerned, i guess? because it's been total radio silence for a few days and that's really out of character from the last few months, but their friend has also been not so active, so i assume it's because school has restarted. and i know i shouldn't worry so much, because i'll give myself ulcers and worry myself into an early grave. but they're my friend! and i give a shit! a big shit!! i care about their mental health and i want them to be okay. i thought about reaching out, and asking them how they're doing, but there's that constant issue of "i've dug myself into a hole because i keep telling you i love you and i've made every interaction awkward from here on out." so i wish for death. but mostly i wish for them to be okay, to be good, to be thriving in their real life. i don't want them to feel like they need to isolate. i just want them to know that we as a group miss them, and that i as an individual miss them, and that it's not because i'm madly in love with them or anything. i actually wish i could start over with that, honestly. if i didn't just fuckin stop functioning when i first saw their face, if i didn't look at everything they do with stars in my eyes, it would've been better. kaiku, i'm sorry. god, i'm a disaster. i need to change my tag.

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Hey Rio: how've you been Buster: I'd have been better if you'd warned me Buster: Some of us are still in lessons & have more to go to, like Rio: Sorry but had to mark the occasion Rio: that's practically PG to most the other ideas I had shot down Buster: 'Course Buster: & You just had to show me everything I'm missing Rio: It's a bonus, yeah Buster: Nah, it's the goal, distract me 'cause you don't wanna talk to me Buster: If you did you would've told me Rio: You know I think school s'a waste of time Rio: for me Rio: I've said it loads before Buster: & I've said come here & fuck me, it don't mean it's gonna happen Rio: Might have to wait a few paychecks Buster: You'd get a higher paycheck if you stayed in school Rio: And do what Rio: be a fucking lawyer or doctor Rio: unlikely Buster: It's not unlikely, just unwanted Rio: Same difference Buster: No, you're smart enough to do anything Buster: So what is it? What do you want? Rio: Lots of things Rio: I've got plans Rio: and I don't need school for them Rio: and if I did, I'd get my diploma as and when, I need to not be wasting 6 hours a day 5 days a week right now Buster: So what do you need? Rio: The time Rio: and the money Rio: I'm not stupid, I'm sorting it, I've already got jobs secured Buster: I literally just said you weren't stupid Buster: You don't have to prove shit to me Rio: I'm just saying Rio: I didn't have a shit day at school and say fuck it, like Buster: I know that Buster: Not talking to Nance, I'm talking to you Rio: It's gonna work Rio: I just can't tell anyone yet Buster: It'll work if you make it work & put the work in, yeah Buster: You can tell me anything though Buster: Look at how many secrets we already have Rio: I am Rio: I was before, School was literally just getting in my way Rio: it's Rio: it sounds worse than it is Rio: actually Buster: Say it Buster: If its not that bad there's no reason not to Rio: I don't think it's bad Rio: you probably will Buster: You think I'm gonna be a judgey cunt about it Buster: What are you selling for Drew? 'Cause Nan will kill you Rio: No I'm not Rio: God Buster: Then tell me Rio: You can't dob me in, even if you don't like it Rio: it's like, there's a lot to it Buster: Fuck you, I've never been that cunt, have I Rio: Just saying, I would get in so much shit and not just with my 'rents Rio: or nan Rio: basically, I do these streams and I usually just do like normal shit I'd do anyway and people pay to talk to me Rio: and then some of these people pay more or buy me things and they get like private chats Rio: I've not shown my face or nothing so no one knows it's me Buster: Don't they check your age on that shit when you sign up? Like I know they don't give a fuck who watches it but Rio: Nah, it's like signing up for any social media really Buster: You could be 12 though Buster: Thank Christ you aren't Rio: Exactly, I don't look 12 Rio: hopefully someone would report you if you were underage looking but Buster: What's the site's cut? They aren't doing fuck all by the sounds of it Rio: Whatever you earn is yours Rio: they're in it for the clicks Rio: there's premium memberships, all that nonsense Buster: Alright Rio: Is it Buster: I ain't your boyfriend or your dad Buster: I can't tell you what to do & you wouldn't do it anyway Rio: Neither can they Rio: can have an opinion Buster: Yeah Rio: You can tell me Buster: What do you want me to say? Am I jumping for joy? No Buster: Can I stop you? Also no Buster: & Anyway, I can't tell you how smart you are then treat you like you're stupid Buster: You know what you're doing Buster: You know the risks & rewards Rio: It's just the starting point Rio: not the end goal Buster: If the end goal is fucking for money, don't tell me Rio: It isn't Rio: I knew you wouldn't get it Buster: I get it, you're young & hot & you can make money off that Buster: Nudes are basically currency already anyway Buster: I'm just asking you how far you're planning to take this Rio: It isn't that Rio: I'm not even showing anything more than I would anywhere else Rio: it's about being good with people Rio: company Rio: that's what I'm good at, why is that less valuable 'cos I'm not gonna spend 30 grand on it when I've got it naturally Buster: It's about turning people on Buster: You're not chatting about the weather Rio: I chat about all sorts of things Buster: If you can fleece people out of cash, go ahead babe Buster: We're all just trying to find our hustle Rio: Fuck off Buster: Come on Rio: You don't get it Rio: there's no point chatting about this Buster: What don't I get? They wanna fuck you that's what they're chatting to you for, whether you do it or not Rio: Yeah well who don't Buster: Exactly Buster: So take your money Buster: But don't act like it's something it's not Rio: Don't try and tell me what it is Rio: You don't get to do that Buster: You're the one in control yeah? Buster: Good Rio: You're a dick Buster: If giving a shit about you makes me a dick, fine Rio: You don't care, you're just taking the piss Buster: Of course I fucking do Buster: You don't get to say that I don't Rio: I'm not doing anything risky Buster: I know Rio: Then you don't need to worry Rio: judge me all you want Rio: I don't care Buster: Shut up Buster: Don't start being stupid now, like Buster: You were doing so well Rio: You're so fucking patronizing Buster: Fuck that Buster: You know what I mean Rio: Whatever Buster: Not whatever, I can worry about you if I fucking want Rio: Why would you want to Buster: Forget it Rio: You Rio: I ain't who you reckon Buster: Well I ain't either, clearly Buster: Obviously just a selfish cunt aren't I Rio: At no point have I said or even implied that Buster: Why would I wanna spare a thought for you ever? Buster: I must only be bothered that you might start charging me for chatting to you Buster: So go on, how much do you want? Rio: I choose who I talk to Rio: and I don't want to talk to you Buster: Then don't Buster: Time's money, babe Rio: And just let you talk to me like shit? Rio: I don't think so Buster: Like I said, not one of your punters & not forcing you to entertain me Buster: Go Rio: Yeah and I ain't one of your little friends or anyone else you speak down to so don't Buster: Who the fuck are you then? Buster: I'd love to hear what you think Rio: You know Rio: or are you taking that back now Buster: Taking what back? Rio: That we know each other Buster: You already did Rio: So it's my fault then Rio: cool Buster: You can't have it both ways, either I know you or I don't Buster: It can't be a sometimes thing Rio: I only said that because you think I've thrown a career away for this and I haven't Rio: what else was I gonna do Rio: nothing Buster: You said it 'cause you want me to know you when it feels good but not when it doesn't Buster: I never said you'd thrown anything away Buster: I don't doubt you're really good at this Buster: & If you don't want it anymore there's loads of other shit you'd be good at too Rio: You're just disappointed, that's why I said it Rio: you want me to be someone else Buster: No I don't Buster: I want you to remember who you are, someone who's the same as me & can have anything & everything Buster: Not someone who says what else was I gonna do Rio: Do you have any idea how much I could make doing this Buster: A fortune, I'm sure Rio: Then how is that not everything Buster: I never said it wasn't Buster: This isn't a bad idea Buster: It's just one that makes me jealous Rio: It's nothing like this Rio: us Rio: what we do Buster: You can say that but you've never touched me Buster: All we can do is watch or talk Rio: That's not the only difference Rio: or the most important one, remotely Rio: I don't talk like this with anyone else, never mind strangers Buster: I know Buster: But you know how big my ego is, it gets in the way of loads of shit, that's all Rio: This isn't a job, it's not fake Rio: I actually want to talk to you Buster: Still? Buster: You must like me then Rio: Alright, shut up 😏 Rio: just 'cos I don't scare easily Buster: I hope not, some of the shit those cunts are gonna say Rio: just preparing me, were you Rio: I know Rio: but like I said, no one knows it's me Rio: plan on keeping it that way for a while yet Buster: Yeah Buster: I'm sorry, alright Rio: It's alright Rio: you are allowed an opinion Buster: I don't need to express it like that Buster: I shouldn't Rio: Alright Rio: apology accepted Rio: can we still be friends or what? Buster: Thank Christ you can't tell my mum, she'd actually kill me for talking to a girl like that Buster: You know I don't wanna be just friends though Rio: Has she met you, like Rio: You know what I mean Buster: Yeah but she also raised me so she can always demand better, like Buster: You know what I mean Rio: I do like you, alright Buster: Good, 'cause I really fucking like you Rio: Still? Buster: If anything I like you more Buster: You don't let me be the worst version of myself Buster: Everyone else reckons there's only the one Rio: See what they wanna see, yeah Rio: it's easier than admitting there's reasons, and that a lot of the time, you're right Rio: even if you are dead rude with it Buster: Fuck off, I'm always right Rio: 😂 Rio: Let's not get carried away Buster: Why not? It sounds fun Buster: Get carried away with me, babe Rio: When you put it like that Rio: okay then Buster: Whatever else I might think about what you doing, that pic was Rio: Distracting? Buster: Yeah but I feel like I need a better word for it Buster: You're always distracting but I literally haven't been able to think about anything else Rio: Hmm Rio: Might not be in school but I'll dedicate some time to thinking of one Buster: As someone who is, it's the least you can do Buster: This class might as well be gibberish for all I'm following it Rio: Maybe it's the accent Rio: What more can I do, then? Buster: Or maybe that my head is full of you & there's very little blood flow left to be intellectual Rio: 😏 Rio: You're smart enough, it's okay Buster: It's not okay how stupid I want to be right now in front of everyone Rio: Okay ain't the word Rio: I agree Buster: Exactly Buster: Stupid doesn't feel like the word either though Rio: Hot Rio: dangerous Rio: there's a few Buster: I like the way you think Rio: One of the many perks Rio: What else do you like about me Buster: You're flawless, remember, there's nothing I don't Rio: I like everything about you Rio: but there's certain parts of you that are getting more thought right now Buster: I'd be lying if I disagreed with that Rio: And don't lie Rio: ever Buster: Not to you Rio: You can lie to anyone else Rio: you're gonna have to if you get caught, like Buster: I already am, I ain't turned to page 34 & I don't intend to Rio: Not gonna be as interesting as this Rio: who could blame you Buster: Everyone other than you but I don't care Rio: Good Rio: be as focused as me as I am on you Buster: You've got my full attention, I promise Rio: I think I can get you to concentrate even harder Buster: Do you? Rio: I told you I took more photos Buster: Shit Buster: You did say that Rio: I did Buster: So, do I have to earn them or? Rio: Could make you Rio: at least send them one by one so you don't get overwhelmed Buster: I don't get overwhelmed Rio: 😏 Buster: You're building these up a lot, babe Rio: You think you're gonna be disappointed Buster: Show me & I'll tell you Rio: [k I was looking but I couldn't find any decent pics w mixed girls but I wanted some in the uniform obvs like kissing on her friends 'cos #bants] Buster: I'm not disappointed Rio: I'd know you were lying if you said you were Buster: It's even hotter 'cause you say shit like that Buster: Girls here practically beg me to tell them how good they look all the time Rio: Insecurity's a turn-off Rio: sad but true Buster: Yeah Rio: It's worse in lads Rio: why I like you Buster: My ego's really big, yeah, you're welcome Rio: 😂 Rio: that remains a double-entendre I can't back up Rio: sadly Buster: Oh you want pics too, yeah? Buster: Hold on Buster: [sends some from the bathroom cos that bitch] Rio: Buster Buster: Rio Rio: Come back Buster: Come here Buster: You can seduce other lads from anywhere Rio: I told you, if I had the money, I would Buster: You can have it Buster: I'll do a transfer right now Rio: No, don't Buster: Come on Rio: You're not paying Rio: anyway, that's not all I do here Rio: I have a fulltime job, and Indie Buster: I know, I just want you here Rio: I wanna be there Rio: anyway, I've got a boyfriend to dump Buster: I'm sure that post did it for you Rio: Well I've got to go talk to him Rio: end it properly Buster: Text him Rio: I can't do that Rio: he'd just say he never got it Buster: He'd get the message if you didn't reply to any of his Rio: I'm gonna sort it properly Rio: 'cos trust, that doesn't work Buster: You've been saying that since I left Rio: It's complicated, I said that as well Buster: I can uncomplicate it for you really easily, I've said that even more times Rio: You don't think that'd look slightly weird Rio: getting you to fight my battles for me Buster: I don't care how it'd look Buster: Who would take your recent ex's word over mine anyway? Rio: I can do it Rio: like you said, he's really pissed off Rio: he could dump me Buster: He is that much of an idiot Rio: Fingers crossed Buster: It's not complicated 'cause you like him, is it? Rio: No Rio: I don't even like him as a person now Buster: Okay Buster: Like, it's obviously not, but Rio: I don't like anyone right now Buster: You like me, you already told me Buster: No taking it back Rio: Apart from you Rio: exception, like Buster: 'Course Buster: I often am Rio: Mhmm Rio: so cocky Buster: Says you Rio: Yeah Rio: I like it Buster: I know Buster: But I like that you keep telling me Rio: It's refreshing Rio: big ego usually equals fragile ego Buster: Like you said, I'm the exception Rio: Yeah Rio: and you're just fit so you know Buster: I take exception to your 'just' Buster: They gave me this face but I gave myself this body Buster: I work out all the time Rio: Okay, I'm sorry Rio: you're fit and you work hard Rio: better Buster: Yeah Buster: How sorry are you then? Rio: So sorry Rio: anything you want Buster: I want you Rio: You've got me Rio: how do you want me Buster: Do you reckon you could fit under this desk? Rio: Obviously Rio: I can fit lots of places Buster: In summer, you're proving that Rio: Could probably break into my school Rio: if you want that full experience Buster: I do Rio: You can have everything Buster: So can you Buster: Anything you want Rio: You know what I want Buster: It's yours Rio: Say it again Rio: please Buster: It's yours Buster: I am Rio: Fuck Rio: we've gone this long without talking before why is it so much harder now Buster: 'Cause you keep getting more fucking beautiful Rio: You mean hot Buster: I mean beautiful Rio: Shh Buster: No Rio: You're nice Buster: I'm not Buster: I'm honest Rio: It's just different Buster: Yeah, there's a distinction between hot & beautiful Buster: That's why I said it Rio: I'm hot too Rio: and you know what I meant Buster: You're so hot Buster: & You know what I mean Buster: I don't say this shit to be nice, I say it 'cause it's true Rio: I don't not like it Rio: it's just unexpected Buster: What, that I'd wanna compliment you? Rio: Not because you're you Rio: 'cos that's not the way it usually goes, you know Buster: I keep telling you to get better boyfriends, babe Rio: Well, I like it don't I Rio: you could tell, they can tell Buster: You don't have to only like one thing Rio: I know Buster: If you don't want me to say it, I won't but it doesn't change the fact that you are & that's what I think Rio: I didn't say that Rio: Never mind Rio: forget I said it Buster: No, tell me Rio: I dunno what I even meant Rio: seriously Buster: Come on Buster: Try & explain it to me Rio: It makes me feel out of my depth in a way I never have Rio: you could call me anything else and I'd know what to do Rio: doesn't mean its bad its just Rio: you know Buster: Yeah Buster: It's like when you say I'm nice or decent or whatever Buster: It feels like bullshit 'cause it's the opposite of what everyone else is saying Rio: Exactly Rio: but you know I mean it Rio: and I know you do too Buster: I just want you to know that you are different Buster: You're hot & I wanna fuck you but you're also beautiful & I wanna talk to you and everything, like Buster: That's all it has to mean, okay Rio: Yeah Rio: okay Rio: it's cool, I'm cool Buster: You are Rio: 😂 okay that's too far Buster: Proper 😎 Cavante, honestly Rio: I miss you Rio: everyone's doing my head in and I've not even tried to talk to my parents Buster: You sure you don't want that plane ticket? Rio: Oh, I want it Rio: all I want is to be under or on your desk in various positions Rio: but I can't Buster: I'm not saying stay til August, just give me a week Buster: Two Rio: Baby Buster: I'll make you forget all about it Buster: You know I can Rio: If I'd have stayed in school I'd just bunk Rio: but I've got to work Buster: I'll fake you a doctor's note Rio: saying what Rio: I'm hysterical and I need lots of sex to cure me Buster: Yeah Rio: if it were the 50s, we could Rio: though if it were the 50s, I wouldn't be working, you would Buster: I can still pay your bills Buster: Quit your job & find a new one later Rio: 🙄 That's responsible isn't it Buster: You said yourself you're gonna make a fortune at streaming anyway Rio: Yeah, but I can't tell anyone I'm streaming so if I've got no 'normal' job my parents will think I've just quit school to what Rio: randomly jet off to somewhere I can't actually tell them either, like Buster: Tell them you've got a job interview & you're jetting off for that Rio: You miss me that much, huh Buster: Please Rio: That's not fair, you know how weak that makes me Buster: Give in & I'll stop Buster: You know what's not fair is months more of this Rio: You're not gonna stop wanting me once you've fucked me, you know Rio: it'll only get worse, that's a promise Buster: Fuck, don't say that like that when I already need you this bad Buster: I can't just go back to the bathroom, I'm supposed to be learning Rio: Exactly, how would I entertain myself all day whilst you're in lessons Buster: I'd be there to entertain you, I'd call in sick Rio: Two whole weeks, yeah Rio: just me and you Buster: Just say yes Buster: I'll do everything else Rio: I must be stupid Buster: We both know you're not Rio: Why am I actually considering this then Buster: 'Cause it's a good idea Buster: I've told you before, I don't have ideas that ain't Rio: Don't you live on a campus or something? Rio: You can't pay for a hotel as well Buster: It's a host family thing right now, so yeah I can. I don't have to pay them, they're lucky to have me Buster: Their daughter especially Rio: Why do you always Buster: What? Rio: Tell me about your conquests Buster: You've got a boyfriend Rio: I don't chat about him Buster: I haven't said anything Rio: Good as Buster: You might not chat about him but you've been with him for months, I don't do that Rio: You're clearly doing repeats now though Rio: aren't gonna be able to avoid someone you live with, are you Buster: Why not? Buster: I'm not living there until I leave, they're making us do all sorts Rio: anyway Buster: Anyway what? Rio: let's not talk about it Buster: Fine, it's not worth talking about Buster: I don't do repeats for a reason Rio: Still looking for the one, yeah Buster: Still not looking for that, which is the entire point Rio: Don't blame you Rio: this is messy Rio: maybe I'll do that too Buster: At the very least dump your complicated boyfriend Buster: He sounds exhausting & not in a good way Rio: You have no ide Rio: a Rio: going over tonight Buster: I'd wish you luck but you make your own Buster: Good or bad Rio: You still could Buster: That isn't what you need from me Rio: What do I need Buster: Distraction Rio: What if I want more Buster: If you can ask for it, you can have it Rio: don't be mad at me okay Buster: Why would I? Rio: about him Rio: I've tried to dump him loads of times Buster: It's none of my business who you fuck Rio: doesn't matter Rio: I still get jealous Buster: You've got nothing to be jealous of Buster: No one Rio: I do Rio: they've touched you Buster: When you touch me, I won't remember any of them Rio: You won't Rio: I've thought about you touching me so much since it happened Buster: & You know I've touched myself thinking about you even more Rio: Yeah Rio: I like thinking about that Buster: I would now if I could Rio: What lesson are you in now Buster: History Rio: Ooh, sexy Buster: It's so American & I'm so uninterested Rio: Is it the civil war Rio: they bang on about that Buster: I don't know, I'm not listening Rio: You're still distracted Buster: Of course I am, I'm with you Rio: I'm gonna come see you Rio: before you leave Rio: we can make it happen, can't we Buster: We can make anything happen Rio: Yeah Buster: There's nothing I wouldn't do for you Rio: You know I feel that too, right Buster: Yeah Rio: Your sister is throwing me a party Buster: Fuck off Buster: She hates parties Rio: I know Rio: I thought she was taking the piss Buster: You sure she isn't? Maybe you'll show up & there ain't no celebration Rio: Just an intervention? Rio: Oh dear Buster: Fuck knows Rio: Maybe if I'd told her the rest but bit dramatic even for her just 'cos I wanna do bar work Buster: So what she's a party animal now I've left, like there can only be one? Rio: Nah Rio: I just bring out the worst in her, obviously Buster: You bring out the best in me so it makes sense Rio: You're so cute Buster: Shut up Rio: but you are Buster: Nah, I just look it Rio: 😈 on the inside Rio: I remember Buster: Don't forget Rio: don't let me Buster: [sends pics from his desk] Rio: Oh God Rio: making me miss school with how bad I wanna be bent over that desk right now Buster: We'd definitely break this one Buster: I barely fit in it, fucking ridiculous Rio: You're so big Rio: it is ridiculous Buster: You could still get on my lap though, it'd just be a tight squeeze, you'd have to stay still if you didn't wanna get stuck Rio: I wouldn't mind being stuck with you Buster: You just don't wanna stay still Rio: 😏 it shouldn't be want it should be can't Buster: There's no can't, I'd make you Buster: If that's what I want Rio: Daddy Rio: make me Buster: I will, I'm strong too Buster: You know that Rio: gotta be Rio: not making it easy for you Buster: I don't want easy Rio: I know what you want Buster: You know what I need, baby Rio: Me Rio: why I'm yours Buster: Jesus, every time you say that I just Rio: Wait 'til I say it and you're inside me Rio: that's heaven Buster: Fuck Buster: I had to just pretend cough then Rio: I'm sure it was very convincing, babe Buster: I don't care Rio: You don't? Buster: Only about you Rio: Buster I Rio: when can I come see you, really Buster: Now Rio: Serious Buster: When am I not? Rio: Fair Rio: is this insane or Buster: No more insane than Indie nearly killing a kid on the night we were finally gonna be together or my Dad & Granddad showing up exactly when you did or me thinking I could avoid you for the rest of my life Buster: & That's not even half of the shit that's happened or hasn't Rio: Yeah Rio: I feel like I might go slightly insane if we keep having to live like that, year after year Rio: this is a sensible solution, really Buster: I won't do it Buster: If you don't come to me, I'll fly back Rio: You've gotta stay Rio: I'll do it, I'm coming Buster: When? Rio: Give me a couple of days to square this with everyone Rio: I can pay for half of it Buster: Fuck that, you need money, I don't Rio: Come on Rio: I can't let you pay for everything Buster: You come on Buster: My parents are so happy I'm here & haven't fucked it up yet that they've really outdone themselves Rio: Are you happy too Buster: Irrelevant Buster: I'm here & I haven't fucked it up yet Rio: I wanna know still Rio: but it's good Rio: you should be proud Buster: I'll be proud when I've done shit to be proud of Buster: All that's bare minimum Rio: Yeah but your bare minimum is better than most's best Buster: Doesn't mean I should settle for it Buster: I don't ever wanna settle for anything Rio: You don't have to Buster: That's one thing America has got going for it, go big or go the fuck home Rio: That's the dream, init Buster: If I stay until August I might even find egos that come close to the size of mine Buster: Work ethic too, like Rio: I knew you liked it Buster: I won't find the latter among these rich kids though, Christ Buster: I thought I liked spending my parents money but fucking hell Rio: I can only imagine how spoilt they are Rio: but I'd rather not Rio: not a turn-on Buster: I'll show you when you get here Buster: It'll make you really love me Rio: Yeah? Rio: Surprised you can think about spending any time outside the hotel room but I'm up for the challenge if you are, babe 😉 Buster: You've turned me on in so many classes, it's only fair that you get a taste of your own medicine Buster: The more public the better Rio: Fair probably ain't the word Rio: but failing me right now so Buster: You leave school & your vocabulary goes to shit, yeah? Buster: Poor baby Rio: If you don't wanna own what you've done to me Rio: we can say it's that Buster: I'd rather do more to you but until you get here, I'll own it Rio: Wait Rio: what's the date Buster: 28th Rio: Fuck Rio: I have to be here Rio: it's Indie's birthday and I have to stop that from getting out of hand, much as she'll love me for that Rio: I promised I'd take her shopping somewhere good instead Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: I know, I totally forgot that was coming up so soon Rio: I'm sorry Buster: For all your mothering you didn't actually give birth to her, it ain't your fault Rio: If I thought I could count on Drew, like Buster: You can't Buster: Just come after Rio: 'Course Rio: gives me more time to hopefully get it right with work anyway Buster: Yeah Rio: It's my brother's birthday tomorrow Rio: how did I forget Buster: Which one? Buster: Must be hard to remember them all Rio: Shut up Rio: Gus Rio: my head's all over the place Buster: Do you want an apology or what, like? Rio: Are you likely to give one Rio: anyway, don't worry, some other guy, like Buster: Good to know Rio: Not really but you know Buster: It's a relief for me, I'd hate to be under the illusion that my attention is all consuming Rio: Well he's persistent Rio: as I said Buster: He's a headfuck is what you mean Buster: Nice to know I ain't the only one Rio: Is it Buster: 'Course Buster: Not gonna take his share of the blame, only my sins Rio: Tah Buster: Sort your head out & get back to me Rio: Are you serious Buster: I already told you, when am I not Rio: You also said you gave a shit Rio: but alright Buster: I give more of a shit about myself though, don't I? Buster: What do you expect Rio: Not asking you for otherwise Buster: Don't Rio: I won't Rio: may as well go over now though Rio: talk later Buster: Alright Rio: [Later] Rio: It's done Buster: Good Rio: Yeah Buster: Tell me you're okay Rio: I'm good Rio: it's sorted now Buster: Come on Buster: Talk to me Rio: You don't wanna know Rio: you don't need to Buster: Rio Rio: What Rio: I told you it'd be bad Buster: How bad was it though? Buster: Seriously Rio: I didn't know who to call Rio: Drew was the only person I could think of Buster: What happened? Rio: He was just really angry Rio: he'd been doing lines like all day so Buster: Did he hurt you? I'll fucking kill him Rio: No not really Rio: he was just trying to scare me Buster: & Did he? Buster: 'Cause I'll scare him well worse Rio: He doesn't scare me Buster: I'm sorry Rio: Why Rio: not your fault Buster: I told you to go & sort it Buster: & I'm not even there Rio: I couldn't stay with him 'til August Rio: it's been too long already Buster: I know but I'm still sorry Rio: Drew came so Buster: Of course he did Rio: Don't Rio: I don't know how that would've ended up if he hadn't Buster: Tell him that Buster: He'll love hearing it Rio: You really think he'd use something like that for his own gain Buster: Why not? Rio: Because that's sick Rio: and I'm an absolute mess so it isn't the turn-on anyone is after Buster: Oh so he does one half decent thing & now he's a saint, yeah? Buster: Like what he did to Indie's mum weren't sick Buster: Like she wasn't a mess Buster: Okay Rio: That was a complicated situation Rio: that we don't know nothing about Rio: we weren't there Buster: Not from where I'm standing Buster: Don't treat people like that. Simple as Rio: She asked for the drugs Rio: he's a dealer, that's what he does Rio: debate the morality of it all you like Buster: She didn't ask to have a kid Rio: Well he didn't want her either Buster: Then he should have done something about it Buster: It weren't the Middle Ages Rio: Maybe he did Rio: you can't force someone to get an abortion Buster: Shower him with these compliments, babe Rio: I don't need to Rio: but I don't need to villanize him either Buster: Ask your sister if she agrees with that when she gets to our age Buster: You know, your actual one who don't exist to him Rio: Don't bring my family into this Rio: this whole conversation is irrelevant Rio: I needed help, he came, simple as Buster: They already are in it Buster: If he wants to play the hero so bad he could start there Rio: Edie doesn't need him, she's got a dad Buster: Indie does, but you're the one helping her Buster: What, even now are you? Rio: Exactly, why do you wanna put that in Edie's life if he's so shit Rio: you don't care, you're just mad Buster: Obviously Buster: Why would I care? We're only related Rio: And that means something now, yeah Buster: Fuck you Rio: Sure Buster: You know me when it fucking suits you Rio: You're gonna have to go harder if you wanna insult me today, sorry Buster: It's clearly a fact not an insult Rio: Facts are only facts when it suits you so what do I care Buster: Why don't you just fuck him & get it over with? Rio: Because the build-up is my favourite part, obviously Rio: suit your narrative well enough Buster: My narrative? You're the one who won't vilify him but are so quick to judge me Rio: Literally when have I judged you? Rio: Just 'cos I don't let you talk like shit to me when I've clearly had enough for one day Buster: Literally just now for not holding my sister's hand tightly enough or whatever the fuck else that thinly veiled implication was meant to mean Rio: Literally not even what I meant Rio: so you've gone there yourself Rio: I was referring to the way you've barely spoke to any of my siblings in years so it's rich to act like you care Rio: try and deny that Buster: That's why I can't Buster: 'Cause I care about you more & I don't need the reminders that we're all supposed to be one big, happy family Rio: Well, we ain't, are we Rio: and me and you, specifically, we're fucked up Buster: Don't Rio: That's what he said Rio: and he don't know the half of it Buster: Fuck him Buster: He doesn't know anything Rio: Nah Rio: some of it rang true Buster: Don't mean it is, it just means he got to you Rio: Same difference Buster: No Buster: He knows how to hurt you, what to say, that's it Buster: I've done it, I'm fully aware what the difference is Rio: Yeah, I'm easy, thanks Rio: double entendre Buster: Shut up Rio: Don't tell me to shut up Buster: Don't talk like that & I won't Rio: I'll talk however I want Rio: you do Buster: Christ's sake, Rio Rio: What Buster: Just stop Rio: I have Buster: You know what I mean Rio: Fine Buster: Don't lie Rio: It ain't but what are you gonna do about it Buster: Anything I can Buster: Anything you want Rio: You can't be here, I can't be there Rio: what's the point Buster: The point is, I wanna be Buster: I told you, that should count for something Rio: How long 'fore you're bored of that Buster: Well, it's already been years Buster: I'm still waiting, ain't I? Rio: Like you said, how was avoiding me forever gonna work out for you Buster: Just tell me what you want me to do Rio: I don't know Rio: if I did, it wouldn't be a problem, would it Buster: So I'm a problem Rio: Oh my God no Rio: not everything is about you Buster: I know that Buster: Literally nothing is about me Buster: Your boyfriend or Drew or Indie but not me Rio: What are you on about? Buster: It's self explanatory Rio: We can't prioritize each other Rio: you can't me, I can't you Buster: Then what's the point Rio: I don't know Rio: you said that's not what you wanted Buster: All I've ever said I wanted was you Buster: But that's not gonna happen Buster: Not if I'm the last option on your fucking list Rio: You aren't Buster: Bullshit Buster: Do you know how many girls would love to prioritise me & do? Rio: Then let them Buster: Fine Rio: Are you kidding me Buster: As big of a joke as all this has become, no Rio: All because I can't come to see you right this second Buster: 'Cause this isn't me. I don't wait around & I don't come last Buster: Who the fuck do you think I am or you are? Rio: If that's what you want Buster: That's the point, I'm not getting what I want from you Rio: Whatever you say Buster: What I'm saying is, I'm done fooling myself that this can be something it's not Rio: Thanks for wasting my time Buster: You too Buster: But my dad would say anything that gets your heart racing is worth doing, so maybe hit him up next time Rio: Will do Buster: Alright Buster: I'll unavoidably see you around Rio: You're still no better at this, huh Rio: tragic Buster: You wish, babe Rio: I don't waste 'em Buster: Starting now? 'Cause I've got news for you otherwise Rio: Nothing you're saying right now is news Buster: Good, it's no surprise then Buster: You'll get the fuck over it quicker Rio: Keep telling yourself that, babe Buster: I'm not the one who has to talk myself into things Rio: Just out Rio: Cool Buster: At least I know when to get out Rio: Fuck you Buster: Go fuck yourself Buster: Or better yet, Drew Rio: Stop living vicariously and make something happen Buster: Not my type Buster: All yours Rio: Yeah Rio: Obviously Rio: I know how to pick 'em Buster: Yeah Buster: Obviously Rio: Well thanks, this really made me feel better Buster: Not everything is about you, Cavante Rio: You have no idea Buster: 'Course not Buster: I don't understand anything Rio: You aren't trying to so Rio: don't feel bad Buster: I don't Rio: Mhmm Buster: Are you done? Buster: We've both got other priorities, remember Rio: Whatever Buster: I'll take that as a yeah Rio: You've taken everything else the wrong way Rio: why stop now Rio: you've committed to the bit and everything Buster: Gotta commit to something, babe Buster: Speaking of, I have to go Buster: This match ain't gonna play itself Rio: Later Rio: 🍀

[blahandwhatever]

Spent much time these past few weeks working diligently on various assessments, sometimes job applications, sometimes actual work. Got offered a bit of work that pays fuck all and barely feels worth doing; still didn't get paid for the social media project I did a month ago due to excruciatingly slow processes - probably won't be until mid-December.

Decided I needed to add some credentials or something to my resume to make myself a bit more competitive - one or two for what I already do, since I don't have directly relevant education and some MFs do like to see that regardless of how much experience you have, and maybe more later for some additional skills to expand my range. So I signed up for a certificate program and thought I'd race through that in a couple of weeks but got interrupted by a big project from an old side job I hadn't heard from since January. Both the pay and the expected turnaround were unreasonable for the size of the project, but I badly needed the money, so I took it. Part of me resented the pay and expectations - of this job and so many new ones I've come across still offering wages that would've been abysmal even five years ago. Part of me felt like I was paying some penance for my previous hubris and carelessness and accepted my lot. Part of me thought about all the people who get worked to death on a regular basis and figured, even if I had to join their ranks for a week, all in all, I still didn't have it so bad. (Also, hello past self! Hello past self in your long-commute office job living-with-parents poor-mental-health years of hell.)

The first two days were a big adjustment to being Busy after months of being Not Busy, filled with resentment and distraction. The next two days - last weekend - I got in a zone with it, got a decent amount done while still making plenty of time for other things. Monday was a big marathon I hoped would leave me with a lighter load for Tuesday, maybe a little left over for Wednesday at worst. Tuesday, I didn't get through as much as I'd hoped to, and it was clear there was no way I'd finish that night, so I didn't push myself too hard. Wednesday. Wednesday, I'd hoped to have a chill day between the busy week and Thanksgiving. I still had a decent chunk of the project left, but it seemed manageable. At worst, at least I could relax at night. I got part of it done in the afternoon, went to Whole Foods, came back, had dinner. Client asked if I was close to done. I said 2-3 more hours. I got back to work, feeling pressured and efficient, but two hours in, it was clear I was still far from done. Updated the client that it might be another couple of hours on top of what I'd said. Then those hours passed, and by this point I was consumed by a stress I had not experienced at work in years. Client probably went to bed. I finished around 2:20 AM, desperate for wine I never seem to have when I actually need it. It was hard to wind down, my body tingling with electricity, but I got there eventually, still disappointed with my small sliver of free time.

And then there was Thanksgiving - an unusual one I didn't know what to expect from. My parents still live together but don't talk or see each other much - my mother's postponed the divorce process until January due to some kind of tax complication, and the drama has mostly simmered down (he opened a piece of her mail from an unclear addressee - her boss at work, it turned out - because he's still paranoid about her and men, albeit more quietly. she bit her tongue about it. he said he'd move out by November but didn't. apparently hasn't been working and spends most of his time out playing poker. travels occasionally. sent her pictures from a beach one time). I figured someone in my father's family would host Thanksgiving, but I never heard from anyone. I was going to spend most of it with my mother - who wouldn't be joining them even if invited - in any case.

I managed to get up at an okay time and found that, overnight, I'd developed The Bullshit again in my right eye - thank the relentlessness of yesterday and refusal (big mistake) to take a quick break to wash my eyes when they felt irritated. The redness subsided a bit over time but didn't fully go away. I wanted to get dressed up like always for the holidays, more to make things feel normal for my mother than anything, and spent the usual forever curling my hair. And I thought I'd timed and planned things pretty well, but there's always some things I didn't account for, always so many fucking things, and I ended up running 20 minutes late.

On the way, the world greeted me with so much beauty. Sunshine, big wispy clouds, a trace of a rainbow. Brilliant red trees still going strong, flocks of birds seconds too late to take a picture. I hoped it was a good omen - but it wasn't.

My mother, proudly punctual person that she is, probably resented my lateness a bit. She's used to it - but she goes back and forth between expecting and resenting it. Maybe it matters more on a day like this.

My father was gone - apparently had planned to stay until my mother told him she wasn't having it. Further sign his family probably wasn't doing Thanksgiving.

My brother was home - I, as always, happy to see him but never knowing what to expect. He'd been sick with the flu. He was on the more cranky and withdrawn side of his spectrum.

My mother started out a mix of cheerful and quieter than usual. My brother was unfriendly and a bit rude to her. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she sat in silence, and I felt her heartache - at her efforts never being appreciated, at her inability to connect with her child, at her dearth of family, at her joyless holidays, at her whole life. I wanted badly to think of more to say than I was able to, to liven things up somehow. It's not something I'm great at. I felt the inadequacy I'd felt with her all my life, at being too quiet. Sometimes it was something I was unfairly resented for, but sometimes being a better talker and socializer would genuinely be helpful. And I thought, if my brother and I are the only family she has left, holidays are going to be rough. This is the kind of thing she cares about. Even I felt something lacking. Even when we spent holidays alone, with our father, during COVID, it was a little different. Between him and my mother being talkative, and me somewhat trying, things didn't feel so dead even if my brother was quiet or cranky. Not that I would want my father to be a part now. But still, it's rough. Granted, my brother was sick and tired and maybe that affected things too. My mother had said he'd generally been friendlier with her lately. But he'd also refused her suggestions of medication and rest instead of going out, which made her feel bad too.

I remembered my mother mentioning she'd like to learn to play cards, or chess, and went searching for the cards or chessboard that had been in the house somewhere, asked my brother for help, couldn't find them anywhere. Desperate, I drove to Walgreens, bought a pack of cards, dragged over my tired reluctant brother, and played a game with them both. Then I played some more with my mother. I don't know that it made her happy per se, but at least it was a pleasant little distraction. Then she talked about her life and her health and how she was thinking of moving out because she couldn't keep living like this with my father.

My father came home at the same time as I did from Walgreens, his face stressed and weathered. We shared a cursory hug and Thanksgiving wishes. I felt kind of bad if he didn't get to have dinner with either family - he, like my mother, is the kind of person who needs that stuff. I don't really know how to feel about him now. His every transgression against my mother has made me feel intolerant toward him, but I feel sorry for him at the same time, and I don't know if being untethered from all meaningful relationships won't make him lose his mind more.

Anyway, he went to his room, and I didn't see him after that.

All in all, it was a pretty depressing affair, every person in that house unhappy, ever the cesspool of misery.

Afterward, I felt very tired and a bit sniffly for a couple of days. Friday, I had no energy and let myself do pretty much nothing. It was deserved after the past week. Yesterday, I managed to go to a store and do a few chores. Today I did a job application and a small work project, and was supposed to do more around the house at night but got sleepy. Overnight, it snowed, which I wasn't quite ready for, but after Thanksgiving, I can live with it.

Despite the unloading of heavy stuff here, there is so much more, and life is still largely good.

Now I'm hoping for a productive - but not stressful - end of November.

[frogsandfries]

Anyway

I picked up some stuff after work, went and got lunch/dinner while I waited for the bus. The temperature plummeted twenty degrees while I was at work, and I was NOT prepared. Also, turns out the shoes I got for work--twenty-two dollars for garbage. I could've gone to Walmart and paid ten dollars for shoes that don't flop. I dunno. I think I'm actually going to go to Journey's next weekend and get actually decent shoes.

Obviously I'm trying not to just blow all of my money, so I'm pretty well done spending this paycheck. I'll hold off purchasing thread, probably till I get like my fourth check or something. I'll save a bit on shipping if I just hold out until I have the money to make a much bigger order, since I'm going to be ordering a lot of thread anyway.

I ordered pizza for the whole house when I got in; I ordered half pepperoni, half cheese, and I ordered some flatbread/breadsticks, then I went to take a nap. While I was cleaning up my purchases, I saw my friend's daughter make a face about the breadsticks, which were pretty much for her. When I got up from my nap, I put away most of the pepperoni pizza and all but maybe two odd the breadsticks. I'm not going to confront my friend and be like what the fuck, but I'm sitting here like...... what the fuck. If I'd known I'd be eating almost the whole thing solo, I would've just not. I could've survived without pizza, I just thought it'd be nice to order everyone some food. Sooooo....... yeah, usually when my gestures are turned down or poorly received, even if that same thing has been received well previously, I often just stop.

I feel......... removed. Isolated. I feel like I'm reaching a point--and I don't actually know if it's just because I spend so much time either on the bus, at work, or sleeping--where I pretty much just live here. And I've previously lived almost exclusively on takeout and fast food. I actually have space to store my own food, and I can bring home a little bit at a time and pretty much just fend for myself. It's probably for the better, honestly.

Things changed when she got seriously sick, and I think maybe she really was angry at me for quitting my first job back in Wisconsin. Honestly, I should've just skipped that job straight for this one. I'd be much further ahead than I am...... Maybe it's not about me at all. Maybe she's got her own shit to deal with. She's kinda different. She's extra spoiling her already incredibly spoiled child, which is honestly nauseating. I'm not here for that spoiled shit. Ugh. I don't know what the fuck, but all this spoiled bullshit is starting to flow over into how she's behaving toward me. Or who knows, maybe it has nothing to do with how spoiled she is and more to do with how her parents talk about me. Maybe it's paranoid. Or, maybe they actually talk about me. Who knows. I certainly don't. I do know no one really talks to me. My friend's mom does, and that's about it.

Increasingly, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this house. I don't want to be in this city. I don't want to be in this state.

Also............... I wish I felt like I actually belonged somewhere. I wish I felt like I have family. I feel so deeply, socially isolated.

I've probably done it to myself......

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: okay I need Ali: like fucking Ali: total seriousness from you right now Ali: can you handle that Tommy: whoa Tommy: alright yeah Tommy: unless you're preggo I ain't keeping that to myself for the next 9 like Ali: god no Ali: i know you're gay as hell so the birds and the bees don't worry you none but if anything you should KNOW that means I'm good right now Ali: but this is going to sound like as much of a joke Ali: but it ain't, yeah? Tommy: what you and your girlfriend do or who ain't none of my business but obviously we ain't here for that, are we? Tommy: I'm sitting down, go for it Ali: sure, sure, I'll make you go red later Ali: preferably when I can see/laugh but no, it ain't so Ali: fuck Ali: so this is weird like Ali: beyond Ali: you know Joe finally made an apperance here yeah Tommy: you're scaring me, Kat Tommy: unless he came out I don't reckon I'm ready to hear this Ali: I can't say if that's unwarranted or not, like Ali: soz Ali: basically, he came to me for a drugs hookup Ali: like, that's what the fuck weird enough but you know Ali: do you Ali: so I sent him to Drew, you know, Meena's brother? Ali: he deals now Ali: and then he hit me back up and shit Ali: you gotta tell me if this is some kinda sick joke but the boy sounded deadly serious, like HE was scared Ali: he said Joe asked for heroin, Tommo Tommy: nah nah he's gotta have it twisted Tommy: like he's pretty so he don't have to be the smartest, yeah Tommy: it'll be like a bad brain day so he needed to go harder than his prescription maybe but Tommy: not that fucking hard Ali: I wanna think that but Ali: he looked sick, Joe Ali: and idk how they could've had that miscommunication like smack is smack it's not like, nah I want this type of pill not that Tommy: probably got his slang fucked up Tommy: he's like an old man you know Tommy: sometimes Ali: he ain't that green Ali: fucking hell, even Ro could list a few names for it Ali: I literally do not know what to do Ali: because as soon as he came back, basically Ali: he's gone Ali: said his uni friend was in a car crash or some bullshit Ali: maybe it ain't but the timing reeks of it Tommy: fuck Tommy: this is so bad Tommy: did they see him, ma or da? Ali: nope, mum was taking rocky to the park or some shit whilst dad did the shop so they're all due back any time and I've gotta pass on the message Ali: minus the drugs, presumably Ali: what the fuck Tommy: don't say shit to them Tommy: she'll fucking Tommy: alright, where are Bea & Fraze like right now? Ali: idk Ali: not here, he waited long as he could to sneak out like he was never here Ali: should I tell them Ali: I swear to God I ain't got no wires crossed Ali: I've got all the messages from Drew, it's black and white so unless he's a real mentalist and just taking the piss Tommy: you deffo ain't that green & jesus all signs really are pointing to proper smackhead Tommy: Meena's brother's loads of things but I don't reckon he'd go this hard just to get your attention Tommy: no shade honey Ali: my thoughts exactly Ali: unless he's one of those people who's ultimate fantasy is to be murdered and I'm the master criminal for the job Ali: it just isn't something you lie about, unless you're totally cracked in the head yourself Tommy: we can kink shame him later like Tommy: but you gotta hit up the IT couple with this Tommy: I can try & talk to Joe but a screen's easy to ignore if you ain't shooting up heroin so I dunno reckon my luck's out Ali: I don't even know what the hell he's gonna say Ali: but I can't just Ali: sweep that one under the rug, can I Ali: Joe was like, gone, and not in a this is a bad brain day way like a Ali: I don't know Ali: let's say there was no putting the kettle on and convincing him to stay 'til the 'rents were back, like Tommy: we can't just Tommy: I'm here for this Tommy: and you can say like a skaghead Tommy: might have to Ali: fuck Ali: how Ali: why Tommy: I dunno Tommy: who's he with Tommy: what's he do Tommy: who the fuck is he Tommy: what's he playing at Ali: all valid questions but who knows Ali: none of us Ali: it was so easy to say like, 'don't blame him' when he didn't come home ever but Ali: it's weird, we're taking like any possible excuse not to be here Tommy *~ Yeah Tommy: do you want me to come back? Ali: no Ali: you should stay there Ali: if there's an intervention I'll buy you a ticket Ali: god knows you can't be missing out on that drama Ali: but realistically Ali: you know this family, what's getting done Tommy: cheers Tommy: but you ain't told Fraze yet, you know he's done crazier than get on a plane to start shit Ali: true Ali: Jesus Tommy: if throw us & the lovebirds in a group chat that's the best it can go Tommy: she'll calm him down Ali: I truly hate this family Tommy: you & me both, Kit Tommy: Drew isn't gonna say shit is he? Ali: I don't think he would Ali: like what's he got to gain from that Tommy: like don't tell your girlfriend I said so but use your feminine wiles if you have to, yeah? Tommy: if ma finds out about this it's gonna properly wreck her Ali: that's why I'm kinda glad he left 'cos it was fucking obvious Ali: but still, what are we gonna do Ali: lock him in a cupboard legit, let him out when he's ready to behave Tommy: she lost it enough over you all summer no way she can handle this Ali: are you saying I should've done smack Ali: got my moneys worth like Tommy: I'm not not saying it Tommy: fucking hell Ali: ah a summer of regrets Ali: seriously Ali: I wanna puke Tommy: you had the best time Tommy: but summer's well and truly over now Tommy: should we pray to sexy Jesus or what Ali: yeah, put down the needle, Joe Ali: it can't hurt, we're in theory catholics so Ali: say sorry and he'll do anything for us Tommy: so out of my depth with this Tommy: this school is well straight edge and there's no religious imagery anywhere Ali: 'cos real rockstars don't go stage school, babe 💔 Ali: maybe he was just gonna smoke it? ehhh Ali: literally the best consolation I've got for any of 'em right now Tommy: I don't wanna be a rockstar honey, that's you Tommy: maybe it was for a 'friend' lol Ali: don't Ali: if he asked drew for a condom too we'd have to dash to the airport like it's love actually Tommy: I wouldn't make that boy use protection but enough about me Ali: THOMAS Ali: behave Ali: this is so serious Tommy: I'm sorry but I'm not used to the kind of gay panic where I'm a gay just panicking like Ali: if you could send me a video of you flapping your limp wrists about, so I know it's real, tah Tommy: least I can do Tommy: I'm really fucking scared, you know Tommy: like, it's Joe Ali: me too Ali: I'm not trying to be a hypocrite but it's fucking heroin Ali: like how are we at defcon1 Tommy: he's not gonna die, yeah? That's only a just say no tactic, right? Tommy: like its not cut with rat poison anymore or Tommy: whatever the fuck Ali: I mean Ali: it's a risk with all drugs but like Ali: you kill off too many punters you get a rep so let's hope his shit is clean-ish Ali: and he knows how to dose Ali: though how the fuck this is even a conversation we're having about JOE Ali: just Tommy: that's a point what did Goldilocks give him 'cause I know he ain't stocking that Tommy: ma would've kneecapped him if he was dealing that hard Tommy: shit Tommy: I dunno Tommy: how is this our real life Ali: he said, Drew, this is, that he just gave him benzos Ali: but it sounded like he got like 50 which he surely did not go through before he left Ali: so he's either got on a fucking plane with 'em or he's left an emergency stash here Ali: do I check his room like that paranoid mother or Tommy: 50 like 5 0 Tommy: Christ almighty Tommy: yeah you should before you tell Fraze Ali: like that's a months worth Ali: idk why he'd get that many just to see him through, even if Drew was being a dick and seeing how much money he could get Ali: probably wiped out his supply of, like Ali: I will Ali: watch me get the blame for them, hope he's written his name on like it's houmous in the fridge or something Tommy: this is so fucked Tommy: how big is his bastard habit Tommy: like I can't Ali: you don't think Ali: oh God oh God Ali: is he online rn hold on Tommy: you think he's Tommy: shit Ali: I'll phone him fuck this Ali: and I'm telling Fraze like, right fucking now Tommy: you have to Tommy: if it's Tommy: we're out of time Ali: okay shit, I'll stay on here to you so you ain't left in the dark but I am also on it Tommy: yeah alright Ali: [a while but not forever] Ali: made him facetime me and he was at the airport, like he said Ali: basically, there's a 'fuck school is nearly here' party so he got that many for it and he reckons 'cos he's got a prescription for 'em, he just filled up his empty box and no one's gonna know, he'd gone through so like Ali: he had got away with that Ali: he seemed more with it, genuine Ali: I dunno Ali: I wasn't getting 'phone the ambulance now' vibes from him, it was reassuring, I wouldn't bullshit you on that Ali: not when it could be so bad Tommy: fucking prick Tommy: I thought like Tommy: thank god Ali: I know Ali: he was having a fucking coffee like Ali: I don't reckon you'd go spend your last in a fucking airport, even if you were done with life Tommy: bleak wouldn't be the word Tommy: next time I see him he's dead though Ali: seriously Ali: there's still the heroin issue but Ali: at least he's not actively killing himself like right this second Tommy: are we 100% that Drew's not just a really really shitty dealer Tommy: like did he say heroin Tommy: I'm grasping at straws and I fully hear myself but Ali: sadly I don't think he's hearing the H bomb just to say he ain't got any Ali: if he had a load to shift, I'd buy it Ali: but Ali: not buy it buy it Ali: this isn't a convoluted cry for help Tommy: don't make me laugh right now Ali: soz Ali: I can't help being such a natural comedic talent Tommy: yeah yeah genius we know babe Ali: gotta milk it whilst I'm still a kid Ali: the shine really gonna dull when I hit 16 Tommy: I'm sure your girlfriend is living for your prodigy status Tommy: I'm beating the boys off (yeah also a euphemism bye) & its only hard work Ali: good for your art, I'm sure Tommy: good for me Tommy: sod my art Ali: sorry Ali: I'll be happy for you when I'm coming down from my heart attack Ali: I am Tommy: me too Tommy: no worries Tommy: we can celebrate me being a hoe any other time Ali: we will 💚 Ali: thanks for not letting me/Joe die alone though Tommy: come down one weekend with your love interest Tommy: I promise to make it super but not intimidatingly gay Tommy: kinda my thing Ali: 'sounds good man Ali: maybe Halloween, bet you do some mad gay shit Tommy: 'course Tommy: Ali, you know I love you, yeah? Tommy: like being dramatic is also my thing but I mean Ali: 'course I do Ali: I can put you down as having me as favourite too, yeah? Ali: say it back if so Tommy: obviously Tommy: Rock's cool but he can't hang like you so Ali: get in Ali: 'til his bed time is past 8pm he can suck it Ali: love you too Tom-tom Tommy: I'd love to go to bed at 8 sometimes Tommy: this school is fucking knackering Ali: I bet Ali: worth it though Ali: yeah Tommy: maybe Tommy: probably Ali: more worth it than here would be Ali: definitely Tommy: full of more fit lads definitely Tommy: at least that are out Ali: god bless Ali: can't all be turning straights Tommy: so last century Tommy: trust you to find one in the first place Tommy: everyone's got more labels than the wardrobe dept usually Ali: 😏 Ali: your bubble is gonna burst so hard man Ali: enjoy it whilst it lasts Ali: seriously Tommy: I'll blow another one it's alright Tommy: that and my own horn of course Tommy: soon as I'm out of here Ali: it's a party 🎊🎈🎆 Tommy: any and everywhere we tread honey Tommy: and you know the drill, whoever's asking I'm dancing like Ali: 👍 Ali: let you get on with all your beating now Ali: keep you in the loop vis a vis whatever the fuck is happening with this Joe thing but Ali: twiddling my thumbs 'til then so Tommy: cheers 🐱 Tommy: laters yous 💛 Ali: 💚

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: How much money do you have? Rio: Um, I can check my balance now Rio: Why? Buster: Let's just go straight from the spa, yeah? Buster: We can put all our shit in the car and just head to the airport when we're done Rio: I'm okay with that Rio: Where's the big rush come from though? Buster: My mum is gonna cut me off when we get back from Brazil so we might as well go now while we've got the most funds Rio: Wait Rio: what Rio: she said that? why, what happened? Buster: She didn't need to Buster: She went off on a big enough rant about how I spend my money wrong Buster: And she's said enough times that she doesn't want me to marry you so Buster: It's the next logical step Rio: Jesus Rio: What are you going to do? Buster: Like I said, we should go as soon as Rio: Are you sure? Buster: Yeah Buster: Do you not want to? Rio: I mean, of course I do Rio: but I want you to have time to think about this Rio: you don't have to rush Buster: Think about what? Rio: About what you're going to do Rio: about your ma, like Buster: Nothing's changed Buster: I'm gonna marry you, have our honeymoon and then go back to school for my exams Buster: If not before Rio: Yeah but Buster: But nothing Rio: Babe Rio: are you okay? Buster: 'Course Rio: It's okay if you aren't though Rio: It's really awful Buster: I'm not gonna cry about it Buster: She isn't Rio: Was she really awful? Buster: I mean, I've wasted 18 years of her life, who wouldn't be mad about that, like Rio: That's bullshit Rio: I can't believe she said that Rio: she doesn't mean it, she can't Buster: She does Rio: No Rio: I'm not having that Buster: Well, I'm not gonna fight with you about this Buster: It's done Rio: I'm not trying to fight you Buster: Then don't, just listen to what I'm telling you Rio: I am Rio: Tell me Buster: There's no fixing this Buster: So forget about her and focus on us Buster: What we're gonna do Rio: But I know you don't want it like this Buster: That's how it is Buster: I'm not gonna make myself unhappy for her Rio: There's no way we can fix this? Buster: I could go back to school and wait a decade to marry you Buster: Is that what you want? Rio: I mean Rio: Obviously not but if that's what you need to do Rio: I'm gonna be okay with it and support you Buster: Fuck that Buster: What about what I want? Buster: What you want Buster: I don't need her holding me to fucking ransom so I'll fall in line Buster: What the fuck is that Rio: I don't know what to say Rio: I'm so sorry Buster: Don't Buster: We haven't done anything wrong that's the whole point Rio: But it shouldn't be like this Rio: I wish it wasn't Buster: So let's leave it behind Buster: I love you Buster: Marry me Rio: I love you too baby Rio: What if it's always like this, what are we going to do? Buster: I don't need anyone or anything else if I've got you Buster: Seriously Rio: Yeah? Rio: Let's do it then Buster: Okay Rio: Have you hurt yourself at all, should I come back? Buster: I'm fine Buster: Stay Rio: Baby Rio: You know you can tell me anything yeah Buster: You should spend time with that lot before we leave Buster: We could be gone for a fortnight, like Rio: I want to be with you Buster: I'm right here, babe Rio: Yeah but you're hurting Rio: and I can't make it better from here Buster: But you are Rio: I am Rio: Good Buster: Don't you know you always do? Rio: I try but this is really shit Buster: It's whatever Buster: If my parents need to disown me to feel better they can Buster: It only makes a difference to my budget, like Rio: Maybe she was just angry Rio: We'll see, yeah? Buster: I have no doubt she was Buster: From the moment she ordered me on the next flight and I refused, if not before Rio: Yeah, that'd do it Rio: Why is it so important to her Rio: School, I mean Buster: I need it if I'm gonna make something of my life, apparently Buster: Bit rude, ain't it? Rio: I mean Rio: like maybe but you're not not going to do your exams Buster: She doesn't care Buster: She wants me away from you Buster: She thinks if it's hard enough we'll stop Rio: But we can't Rio: why does no one get that Buster: They don't want to understand Rio: This can't be any more fun for them than it is for us Buster: It's obviously not but the more they treat us like stupid kids who don't know what they're doing or want, the more they can dismiss us Buster: Like this will all just blow over and go back to how it was or some shit Rio: Fuck sake Rio: if it could've it would've by now Buster: Tell me something I don't know, babe Buster: Tell them too, if you want, but I'm sick of saying it Rio: Me too Rio: Let's just never come back, yeah Buster: Fine by me Buster: My mum doesn't reckon I can hack law school anyway so Rio: Well that's bullshit Rio: You're one of the hardest working people I've ever known Rio: You can do anything Buster: Yeah, well that was before I fell in love apparently Buster: Now I'm spending all my time wrong as well as their money Rio: Like you were doing a great job before??? Only books and healthy meals, like Rio: What Buster: I was a fuck up, sure, but I wasn't pathetic Buster: We are now, 'cause we can't deal with not seeing each other every second Buster: You can near enough direct quote that Rio: Wow Rio: She really went there then Rio: Christ Buster: And you think I'm charming, yeah? Rio: Does she mean it Rio: or is she just trying to say the things she knows will hit hardest Buster: I don't care Rio: Do you mean that? Buster: What does it matter Buster: It's been said regardless Rio: It matters to me Rio: I care what you feel Buster: I'm not gonna beg her to reconsider Buster: She feels how she feels and I feel how I feel Rio: I just want you to be happy Rio: Whatever that takes Buster: I'll be happy when you're my wife so Rio: It's happening Buster: Good Buster: Then I'm fine Rio: You will be Rio: I'll make sure of it Buster: Until then, I'm not drunk yet but I'm working on it Rio: Understandable Rio: Could use one myself now and I'm just hearing it second-hand Buster: Come pick me up later Buster: I'll add yours to my tab Rio: See Rio: Actually charming Buster: You make me want to be Rio: You are Rio: You can't even help it Buster: You're perfect and I'm glad you can't help that either Rio: Baby Rio: I'm going to tell you every good thing about you so you forget everything else Buster: You're cute Buster: You just want me to blush before you do Rio: Maybe Buster: I thought I was meant to be the one with a competitive streak Rio: I'm not being competitive Rio: You just look so pretty when you blush Buster: I do look good in pink Buster: Valid Rio: Exactly Rio: Almost as good as me but not being competitive with it Buster: You look better Buster: I'll gladly admit it Buster: You're so fucking beautiful in anything Rio: I love you so much Rio: We're gonna make a fucking beautiful man and wife, there I said it Buster: Yeah we are Buster: And we're gonna have beautiful babies one day Rio: Fuck Rio: Yeah we will, and you'll be the best Dad Buster: I'm gonna try Buster: If I do half as well as I know you will, I'll take it Rio: We'll be good Rio: Together Rio: We're the best team, yeah? Buster: Yeah Rio: You're going to feel so much better when you get on that beach, I promise Buster: I'll feel it once I'm on the plane Buster: I'd take a 24 hr flight over another day of this shit Rio: I feel it Rio: We can sleep most of the way there Rio: Not the whole time though Buster: I'll wear you out so you sleep well, don't worry Rio: That's why I said we can't sleep the whole time Rio: Great minds, babe Buster: 😏 Buster: Smart girl Rio: Hardly going to start making you wait now Buster: Good 'cause I can't wait to fuck you in first class Rio: 🤤 Rio: Yeah, I'm gonna feel soooo much better on the plane too Rio: can't we go now? Buster: Yeah we can Rio: I wish Rio: We've gotta go to the spa though Rio: Your sister is one of the only people supporting us fully right now Buster: I'll relax you there too if the treatments don't Rio: Yeah? Buster: 'Course Buster: You're gonna feel so good, babe Buster: Fuck everything else Rio: You too Rio: That's all I care about Buster: I know Buster: That's why I love you Buster: And why I'm gonna see how many times I can make you cum before we get kicked out of the spa for disturbing everyone else's relaxation Rio: Oh God Rio: I want you now Buster: Come find me Rio: 😒 I can't Rio: I let Mum and Dad get out for a bit, they've been so stressed Rio: Regretting that now Buster: You can still have me Rio: Yeah? Aren't you out right now? Buster: Yeah Buster: And? Rio: It's been that kind of day, true Rio: What can I do to help you unwind, daddy? Rio: Anything Buster: We'll have to be creative, won't we? But like I said, you're a smart girl Buster: I believe in you Buster: What do you have there to make yourself feel good? You know that's what I want Rio: You're so good to me Rio: I'm going to look Buster: Okay Buster: Pick whatever most reminds you of me Rio: 😩 Rio: Nothing is ever as good as you Buster: I know but if you try hard enough it'll be almost like I'm inside you Buster: You've got this, baby Buster: Just like old times, yeah? Rio: I'll go really hard Rio: I can't say I miss those times but remembering just how bad I wanted you is getting me ready for how big this toy is Buster: Yeah? Buster: I think I remember but I also think you should tell me Rio: When do you want me to tell you about? Rio: I've wanted you for so long Rio: After our kiss? When you started coming back 'round and you'd gotten hot? Or all of the not-quite moments that killed me? Buster: Jesus Buster: I wanna hear all of it Rio: You know the first time I ever touched myself I thought about you Buster: Seriously? Rio: Serious Rio: I didn't mean to really but when it started to feel good, I couldn't stop thinking about when you kissed me Rio: and it made it feel even better Buster: Fuck Buster: I just got hard Rio: Good Rio: I was so embarrassed the next time I saw you Rio: Thinking you'd know Buster: I can't believe I'm only just finding this out now Rio: I felt so dirty, baby Rio: but I couldn't stop, I touched myself every day thinking about you for so so long Buster: Me too Buster: Many times a day usually Rio: If I'd have known that then Rio: Jesus, I'd have died and gone to heaven, seriously Buster: I wish I could've told you how much you turned me on Buster: But at least I can say it now Rio: You can show me too Buster: Yeah Buster: Imagine if you'd caught me using your feed back then. My entire family nearly did so many times Rio: I would not have been mad Rio: You family would've been though 'cos if I knew for sure you liked me then, it would've happened so much sooner Buster: I wouldn't have been mad if it did Buster: Trust me Buster: You were so hot then and you're even hotter now Rio: I wish it had Rio: I wish you'd have taken my virginity Buster: Everyone's looking at me 'cause of how much that affected me Buster: Oh my god Rio: I would've done everything with you, baby Buster: Where can I buy a time machine, like? Buster: However much it is Rio: Seriously Rio: Thinking about it is getting me so close Buster: I would've treated you so right, you know Rio: I know Rio: Next time you fuck me can we pretend Buster: I need that Buster: As soon as we both get home Rio: I can't wait for you to show me how good sex can be Buster: You have to wait for me to sober up though, I want it to be perfect for you Rio: It's okay baby Buster: Don't worry, I'm not drunk, I promise Buster: And I'm stopping Buster: I'll be ready when you are Rio: We're making you feel better, remember Rio: Do whatever you wanna do Buster: It's exactly what I want Rio: You're gonna do all the things you dreamed about doing to me as a horny kid? Buster: You know it, babe Buster: Besides, if I don't get out of here you're gonna make me cum in front of everyone Rio: That's so fucking hot Rio: I wonder what everyone thinks Buster: They know what's happening Buster: You know I can't hide how much I want you Rio: When we get to Brazil you don't need to, you can fuck me on the beach, anywhere and everywhere Buster: I'm biting my lip so hard right now Rio: Me too Rio: Pablo has friends over, I've got to be quiet Buster: Fuck Buster: You know what that does to me Rio: I know you want them to hear me moaning for you so they know how bad I need you Buster: Baby Rio: Yes, Daddy? Buster: I need you too Buster: So bad Rio: I know Rio: I'm getting so ready for you Buster: Come here Rio: Where, baby? Buster: To me Rio: Are we going Home? Buster: I'll go anywhere you want Rio: Come here Rio: Fuck me in the room I fucked myself to the thought of you in Buster: Jesus Buster: Okay Buster: But if you keep being so fucking hot I won't make it Rio: I'm sorry but knowing you're hard right now makes me wanna get you off immediately it's just what I was born to do, like Buster: You're making me moan on my way out the door Buster: But even if you make me cum all over myself I'll get hard again by the time I walk through yours, you know that Buster: That's just how bad I want it Rio: I hope you always want me this bad Rio: You make me cum so many times before you do, it's so fucking Rio: you're so good, daddy Buster: You don't need to hope Buster: I will Buster: Same as loving you Buster: There's nothing you could do that'd make me want you any less Rio: Good because I need you Rio: Every day Buster: You've got me Buster: As many times a day as you need Rio: 😻 Rio: I can't wait 'til you live here always Buster: Me either Buster: You won't ever have to miss me, baby Rio: Good Rio: I've done enough for one lifetime, much too much Rio: You're mine now, whatever anyone says or thinks Buster: I'm all yours forever Buster: And you're mine Rio: Forever Rio: Going to have the ring and the paperwork to prove it soon but you already know Buster: I can't wait for everyone else to know it too Buster: Even though we don't have anything to prove Rio: Yeah Rio: Fuck everyone Rio: You're all I care about now Buster: I love you more than anything, Rio Rio: I love you, Buster Buster: You're so important Rio: You too Rio: And good and you're going to be great and I'l always tell you Rio: even if no one else does Buster: You're the best person I know or have ever met, seriously Rio: You're so cute Buster: It's true Buster: You actually can be or do anything Buster: I hope you know that Rio: I know I can do what I want to do if you're with me Buster: Good Rio: But so much of what I want to do is just be with you and love you and have a family with you, you know that, yeah? Rio: That'd be enough for me Buster: You're gonna make me cry Buster: Shh Rio: You're enough, Buster Rio: I can't stress how much I mean that, or how I'll never stop showing you that Buster: How could anyone be against this? You're the purest most loving fucking person Rio: Jealous, probably Rio: I don't know but I also know I'm sick of caring like it made me even a little happy, nevermind close to how happy you make me Buster: I feel the same Buster: I don't care if nobody else ever understands that 'cause I know you do Rio: I do Buster: I've run out of words Buster: I just want to be there with you now Rio: [Snap] Rio: Inspiration for you Buster: You can have loads of other sounds Buster: This cab driver did just hear them first, though Rio: Lucky 😒 Rio: Try not to be too jealous 😋 Buster: [Sends own pics] Buster: So you won't be Rio: Damn Rio: OKAY Rio: the driver better not be feeling you 'cos I need you here more than ever now Buster: If I could make him go any faster I would Buster: You've got me so close that even clothes are too much to deal with right now Rio: Okay but me when you get here Rio: And you've actually got to get all the way up the stairs for once Rio: my poor baby boy Buster: The things I do for you, babe Buster: The struggles Rio: Come on, you get my v card when you get here Rio: you know it's worth it Buster: You're always worth it Buster: Tell me about my glow up was I such an ugly kid before then or what, like? Rio: Don't be silly Rio: but we were kids, so as I was getting older and hadn't seen you properly for ages the memory became more of a cute kid than someone I could fuck myself thinking about, you know Rio: then you came around again, I can't even remember what the occasion was and you were like Rio: a man, I guess, cringe to say Rio: but you were so hot and grown and it was like, here we go again Buster: Oh Buster: Well, shit Buster: Sorry, like Rio: What are you saying sorry for? Buster: Being hot enough to wanna fuck without letting you actually Buster: I know what that feels like 'cause I had it whenever I saw you Rio: Oh, well, you're making up for it now Rio: But yeah Rio: that started the blatant jealousy phase Buster: Thank god we didn't go to school together Buster: I'd have had to kill any lad that looked at you Buster: It would have been exhausting and constant Rio: I know, right? Rio: Think I'm a distraction now Buster: I remember when I first saw you around that same time Buster: My mum thinks I'm pathetic now Buster: I fucking forgot how to breathe, I swear Rio: Baby Rio: We honestly deserve medals for how long we fought that shit because seriously Rio: I could've had you right there and then Buster: I wish Buster: I'd never seen a real person who looks that good before and all these years later I'm still like Buster: Speechless and breathless for you Rio: I don't know what to say to that Buster: You don't have to say anything Buster: I just want you to know Rio: Now I'm gonna cry, like Buster: It blows my mind that loads of other people haven't told you any of this Rio: Why would anyone Rio: Sure no one but you has ever actually thought it Buster: I don't believe that Buster: I can't Rio: I've never met anyone who is as honest as you Rio: like genuinely honest to a default, with the good as well as the bad Rio: you don't just use it as a thinly veiled excuse to be a dick Buster: I mean, I have Buster: But no Rio: Your parents? Buster: Sometimes you just wanna hurt people, you know Buster: Too many to count probably Rio: We've all said things to win arguments Rio: You aren't the only one who's done that Buster: I'm just like her though, aren't I? Buster: You're right, my mum knows exactly what to say to cause maximum damage Rio: It's just a defense mechanism Rio: she had to, you had to Rio: it doesn't make you bad people Buster: It makes me feel like a bad person Buster: It makes me feel bad full stop Rio: I know Rio: It got you this Rio: far Rio: But if you don't want to be like that now, you don't have to, you can try different Buster: I know Buster: I'm not who I was Buster: I wouldn't let you marry that cunt, like Rio: I never thought you were a cunt Rio: really, like Buster: Yeah, 'cause you've always used your bullshit detector Buster: But you don't deserve past me Rio: I'm complaining, like Rio: I know how far you've come, I see it Rio: and I love you now so Buster: I love you Rio: Let's be real, I was hardly living my best life even like, a year back Rio: regardless of how adult they reckon us, we've both grown, thank God Buster: Yeah Buster: And we can see how good we are for each other even if they don't want to Rio: You're the best thing that ever happened to me Rio: No one realizes how fucked I was before because I didn't show it Buster: Same Buster: Well, you knew, but you know everything so Rio: Naturally Rio: You knew too Rio: You wouldn't let me fob you off Buster: I should've done more to help you though Buster: I'm sorry Rio: What could you have done that you didn't, babe Buster: I used to be such a prick to you Buster: I hate that Rio: Well you know Rio: practically blueballed to death so Rio: forgiven, like Buster: Shut up Buster: I am now but I'm not gonna start a fight with you Buster: Hot as that used to be, at least some of the time Rio: You made no secret of how hot you found it, babe Rio: which made it even worse, you know I like it when you get aggressive but now I've gotta be mad on principle? 😒 Buster: Don't Buster: I had to invite girls round after every argument we had in each others inboxes Rio: 😣 Not fair Rio: Guess I kinda fucked Curtis in your face though so 😬 Buster: And honestly, I sent a lot of them home 'cause like I said, there's nobody like you Buster: It just made me more frustrated Rio: Nothing worse than a shit ride Rio: just makes the problem 10x worse Buster: Yeah Buster: Thank fuck I can take care of myself Rio: Don't get me started on how hot that is Buster: You don't wanna talk about it? Buster: Don't be shy, babe Rio: You know how hot you are Rio: No lads do half the things you do, you're lucky if they send you a dick pic they've sent to every other girl ever and the chat is abysmal Rio: not even to start on the actual sex and how much better you are then too Buster: It's all for you Buster: If you weren't worth it I wouldn't Buster: Christ knows I didn't put this much effort in for Chelsea girls Buster: But they didn't make me this turned on without being touched so Buster: Or even when Rio: Damn right they didn't Rio: No one can do you like I can Rio: don't forget it Buster: How can I, I'm so aware how hard you could make me cum right now in this taxi if you want to Rio: 😋 Rio: Don't tempt me Buster: But I need you to fuck me, any way you like, including that Buster: So I can't stop you Rio: That's permission to keep going? Buster: If that's what you want, baby Rio: Hmm Rio: It is one of my favourite things to make you cum in your pants, especially when you're in public and have to try and pretend very hard you're not Buster: I know Buster: And you know how easy it'd be, but if you need reminding, like Buster: [pics] Rio: Oh baby, you're so close Rio: Barely any challenge at all Buster: Yeah Buster: You've had me there for so long Rio: You want to cum, don't you? Buster: Please Rio: Oh, good boy Rio: remembering your manners even when you're being really bad in the back of that cab Buster: You know I've been well behaved this whole time Buster: Don't tease me Rio: You think you deserve a reward? Buster: It's not up to me Buster: It's up to you Rio: That's better too Rio: 'cos you're definitely not in any position to be making demands, babe Buster: Rio, Jesus Rio: I know baby Rio: Tell me, how oblivious is this driver? Buster: He's more aware than most of the bar was Buster: I know that's what you wanna hear but it also happens to be true Rio: I'm just thinking Rio: How much you can get away with Rio: and how much I could if I was there with you Buster: You know I'll do anything Buster: I don't care Rio: I care about not getting you arrested, babe Rio: But you can start over your clothes Rio: Slow Buster: Okay Buster: He's definitely already gossiping about me on his headset in a language that ain't Irish Buster: But I think I'm safe from the cells for now Rio: That's alright then Rio: if I have to bail you out just to fuck you I ain't gonna be happy, like Buster: Hot as that is, probably best not Rio: You'll just have to take extra time on this baby, nice and slow, try to keep my name in your head and out your mouth for now Buster: I'm trying but Rio: But? Buster: I can't Rio: How badly do you need me? Buster: I'm so desperate for you Rio: I want you to touch yourself properly now, baby Rio: I want you to feel how throbbing and hard you are, feel what I'm gonna feel Buster: Oh god Rio: How does that feel, better? Buster: So good Buster: Fuck me Rio: 'Cos you asked so pretty Rio: Give it to me, hard and fast as you want now, I want it, I want you, Buster Buster: Say that again Buster: Tell me how much you want me Rio: I want you so much, I'd do anything to be with you Rio: I have Rio: I need you, Buster, please fuck me Buster: Rio Buster: I love you Rio: I love you Rio: Forever Buster: Don't stop, okay Rio: Never Buster: Loving me, wanting me, telling me, any of it Rio: I promise Rio: Even if I could, I would never want to Rio: You're so fucking perfect Buster: You are Rio: Yeah Rio: We are Buster: You're gonna be such a hot wife Rio: Yeah? Rio: Is that what you're thinking about as you fuck yourself then? Tell me Buster: I'm thinking that I can't wait to come home to you Buster: And not just today Rio: You know I'm always gonna greet you from a hard day at the office right, babe Rio: Every day Buster: I'm gonna give you a goodbye that doesn't feel like one every day Buster: 'Cause you'll still be feeling it when I come back Buster: Whatever you're doing and however long I'm gone Rio: Fuck Rio: I need that Rio: I want nothing more than to feel you between my legs all the time, even when you're not there Buster: And I'll fuck you on the stairs until the neighbours have our vows memorised too 'cause you'll be reciting them back to me every time Buster: It'll be that good Rio: Daddy Buster: I know, baby Rio: You have no idea how wet I am now Buster: Show me Rio: [Video] Rio: Because you need to hear how loud it is too Buster: Well, now you've got me being loud too Buster: Jesus Christ Rio: I don't care who hears Rio: this is how you've got me, baby Buster: You know I'd scream for you if it makes you cum Buster: Nobody else exists to me Rio: You really would do anything for me, wouldn't you? Buster: Yeah Rio: Shit Rio: I love you I love you Buster: Keep saying it Rio: I love you Buster I love you so fucking much Buster: You're gonna make me cum everywhere Buster: Oh fuck Rio: Me too Rio: Cum with me baby please Buster: Yeah together Rio: Always Rio: Marry me Buster: All you've gotta say is I do, baby Buster: I will Rio: Literally say whatever you like at this point Buster: Just fuck yourself harder Buster: I want you to moan right now Rio: Yes sir Rio: I swear, everyone can hear me Buster: Yeah they can Buster: You're that good Rio: For you Rio: I'm doing exactly what you told me, daddy Buster: You're such a fucking angel for me Rio: I am Rio: I just wanna look after you so good and make you cum Buster: Good 'cause I need you to finish what you started Rio: I promise Buster: Now though Rio: I know what'll make you cum Rio: You're coming to take my virginity in my childhood bedroom but do you want another actual first too? Rio: Because I really do Buster: You know I want that as badly as you do Buster: Tell me Rio: I want you to take me from behind Rio: I've never done it with anyone but sometimes I put a finger up there and it feels fucking incredible it stretches me so tight Rio: I want you to take my anal virginity, if you want to Buster: That's so hot Buster: I've never done it before either but I really want to with you Rio: Promise? Buster: Of course Buster: I'm never gonna lie to you Rio: Good, we can have this together then Buster: You're always so right Buster: That did make me cum Rio: I knew it would Buster: I'm gonna have to give this cabbie so much money Rio: Whoops Rio: I can always facetime in so he knows I'm real and you're not just a pervert 😏 Buster: I'm fine with that but I'll probably leave the reason why the bill is so high off the spreadsheet my mum wants of my expenses Rio: In the bad books enough as is, babe Rio: why not go all out? gonna be mad regardless Buster: You're so fucking beautiful though at least the driver wouldn't be mad the second he sees your face Rio: I'll put some clothes on so we can pretend it's just my beautiful face 😉 Buster: Yeah he doesn't need to see any more to understand the state I'm in Buster: But don't put too many clothes on 'cause I'm not that far away Rio: You're going to need to get hard for me again Rio: Putting in the work to undress me will do you good Buster: I only need a few minutes, we might be getting married but I'm not middle aged or that turned off Buster: But fine, I like it Rio: Can't be nice all the time, babe Rio: got to keep you on your toes Buster: Who you treat me reflects how I treat you so, again fine Buster: If that's how you want it, baby Buster: How* Rio: 😻 Rio: You know it is Buster: Yeah but I'm still gonna make you beg me Buster: Just for a while Rio: Oh really Buster: Can't play too nice, right? Buster: Not if I'm gonna give you exactly what you need Rio: You're so right Rio: I'm so fucking glad you get me, and what I need Buster: Always Buster: You know you can start now, if you like Buster: But you might wanna wait until you can be on your knees Rio: I can be on my knees for when you get here Rio: Nothing if not dedicated Buster: 'Course you can Buster: I love that about you Rio: How else do you want me, daddy? Buster: Mouth and eyes open Buster: You gotta sort out this mess you made Rio: Holy Rio: That's totally fair and I won't really really enjoy that, promise Buster: Good Buster: While we're on the subject you have loads of lube right? I only wanna hurt you in the ways you want Rio: Yeah, we're good baby Rio: I promise it'll be the best thing you've felt since the first time you were inside my cunt Buster: That's a really big promise Rio: I know Rio: Hold me to it Buster: I have to, now Rio: I practically came on the spot the first time we fucked Rio: I was very impressed you didn't Buster: Well, I was trying to impress you so Buster: Glad that worked Rio: You were better than I'd ever imagined, you know you were Rio: and I thought about it a lot so Buster: I couldn't last that long but I didn't want it to be like the first kiss again, you know Buster: All that build up and then just Buster: Me not living up to it Rio: It was perfect Rio: so was the kiss Rio: you'll say I don't mean it but I do Buster: I know you do Buster: Trying to make me cry again Buster: I don't ever want to disappoint you, Rio, in anything Rio: Well you never have Rio: so don't worry about it too much Buster: I'm gonna make sure I never will Buster: I swear Rio: I trust you, baby Rio: I trust you with my life Buster: Is that why you didn't wanna do anal with anyone else? Or, like, did you want to but it just never happened? Rio: Pretty much Rio: Like it was either being too embarrassed to say I wanted it, because they'd just be dicks, or knowing they didn't care enough to do it right and be gentle Buster: You can tell me anything you want to do, you know Rio: I know Rio: You too Rio: but you can tell me if you ever don't want to do something, or me to say something Rio: I won't be mad or offended Buster: Same Buster: I don't ever wanna be that person for you Buster: You don't have to do anything ever 'cause of me Rio: You couldn't be, you just aren't like that Rio: Anyway, there isn't much I can think of that I wouldn't do with you Buster: Me either but we should still think of a safe word Buster: In case we wanna stop anything Rio: Good idea Rio: What should it be? Something really unsexy Buster: Just say Chlo's name that'd stop me dead no matter what Rio: 😂 Oh God Buster: No, but seriously, it's gotta be something stupid that we just wouldn't say normally Rio: Hmm Rio: Let's go for Rio: Lampshade Buster: Works for me Rio: It was the first mundane thing I could see from down here on the floor, like Buster: Don't make it hot Rio: Damn, I'm bad at this 😋 Buster: You're so good at everything else that's why Buster: I'm not mad about it Buster: I bet you look really fucking sexy right now, don't you? Rio: and I just fucking love everything you do to me, the idea of needing one seems so ludicrous but hey Rio: [Selfie] Rio: You tell me Buster: You look better than I knew you would Buster: Jesus Buster: I'm trying to wait until I'm out of this car before I get too turned on again for this poor bloke's sake but Buster: I couldn't stop thinking about you before you sent that so now Buster: It sounds really stupid 'cause we've been talking this whole time but I miss you so much Buster: Touching you Buster: Kissing you Buster: Being close to you at all Rio: It doesn't sound stupid at all to me Rio: so if it is I am too Rio: I always miss you unless you're literally in my arms Buster: I'm so glad you feel it too Rio: You never have to doubt that Rio: Hurry up though baby so you can do all those lovely and less lovely things to me please Buster: I'm literally around the corner, don't worry Buster: I can't wait to see you Rio: I bet Rio: Lucky no one else is gonna barge in with all the noise I was making Buster: There is no way I'm letting anyone ruin this for us Buster: Whatever I have to do, I'd even walk from here, like Rio: Such a romantic baby 😉 Buster: I know and you'll be saying that sincerely when I use all the energy I've saved, by not doing those steps, on you Rio: Promises, promises Buster: Can we record this since it's a first? Rio: FUCK Rio: How are you gonna just drop that when I'm being a brat? Rio: Um yes, of course we can Rio: we've gotta Buster: I don't care if it's not like streaming level production quality Buster: I just wanna have it Buster: Like, bonus if it is Rio: I know how to do this babe, you'll be able to watch see every face I make and hear every moan, I promise Buster: I was hoping you'd say that Buster: Is it ready though 'cause I'm outside and I'd hate for you to have to change position when you've been so good Rio: I won't move Rio: Priorities, I need to clean you up properly before you can even think about giving me a reward Buster: Alright Buster: Well, I'm on my way Buster: Literally Rio: 🙌