#a disorganized jumble of memories and thoughts with a bit of self-reflection i guess

[rueria]

readers and writers (literally just me rambling about whatever, also kinda personal)

the more time passes by, the more i feel that i'm more of a reader than a writer but unlike kdj or mnkm i don't have my personal writer who painstakingly writes stories tailor-made exactly for me so instead i suffer with these ideas in my head orz

"just commission stuff" it's not the same, also i'm scared bc what if i dont like it even tho it's great bc i'm rly picky sghdjsks

anyway, readers and writers. fsr i just recently realized the romance of the connection between a reader and a writer, bc of orv and hshm. bc it's usually like, reader and character, or writer and character right. but like. the innate romantic nature of storytelling yknow? scheherazade extending her life by a day each night she tells a story, and charming the king all the while. people have been telling and taking in stories for as long as humanity has existed.

it's like ughh. like i cringe a little at myself for being addicted to hamilton back then (i still kinda am tbh) and there's a lot of lines i could point out but these specific verses from burn still have got me by the throat:

"you and your words flooded my senses, your sentences left me defenseless"

"you built me palaces out of paragraphs. you built cathedrals"

"i'm rereading the letters you wrote me. i'm searching and scanning for answers in every line, for some kind of sign"

"you and your words, obsessed with your legacy. your sentences border on senseless"

and then later in who lives, who dies, who tells your story:

"i try to make sense of your thousands of pages of writings. you really do write like you're running out of time"

like. writing as an act of love. reading as an act of love. writing hidden messages in the black of the ink and the white of the paper, and sometimes there's nothing there, but reading can give that nothing meaning anyway.

the power of words, man. the desire to communicate and be understood. aghsjdks

stories as sustenance. i remember reading a story of a girl who literally lives through stories, by eating them; i should reread that, i don't think i finished it.

stories made solely for one person. a writer and a reader with the wall of a story between them, the one-sided communication through the words written on that wall. in a way, using that wall makes it easier to communicate with another person than directly talking with them face-to-face.

maybe that's the specific reason why AI used for writing and art just gives me this dread (among many other reasons). the way of communication that i know best would become a lot more meaningless. i'd have to actually talk to people.

i've always loved stories since i was a kid. i've been reading for as long as i can remember. i spent more time with stories than with real people. it didn't matter how shitty it was, how long it was. if it was a story, i read it. because someone wrote it. comics, tv shows, movies, artpieces, music. there's always a story, and behind it, there's a person.

am i making any sense, probably not. idk. i don't really know what this is or how to end it. uh, anyway, writer-reader dynamics will probably always get me. there's probably a lot more out there that i just haven't seen bc as much as i say i read a lot, i really don't. not enough lol.