#a fic I finished this summer for the longest time was titled as damn i really need a name for this series

[wolfbirbisme]

Wip Tag Game

Wip Tag Game: (tagged by @possumteeths)

rules: post the names of all the files in your wip folder regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it.

For this imma tag uh,,, um,, hm,,, all my friends are artists help damn literally everyone’s been tagged I think before for this uh,,, well um,,, HEY YOU. YES YOU. READER. IF YOU HAVEN’T DONE THIS, CONGRATS YOU’RE NOW TAGGED. only do it ofc if you want, but if you want an excuse to do it, just slap my name down for who you were tagged by. go crazy go stupid have fun promote your own work :)

My works on under the cut because I’m awful at being brief lol

Oh dear, hm, okay. I have a lot going on, but there’s only one I’ve really been working on at the moment lol, but here yall go in order of how recently I’ve worked on them: 

“Swinging on the Rails (train AU)”: 

I was trying to do NaNoWritMo with this but then midterms stole my kneecaps lol. I have a few chapters for this up on ao3 already but essentially its a historical fiction romance fic between my fallout OC Sawyer and a friend of mine’s OC Baron. Takes place in London during the 1920s and is a slowburn fic about them slowly getting to know each other and falling in love yada yada yada. Baron’s a railway worker and Sawyer’s an architect who rides his train every day. Eventually there’ll be some assassin’s creed stuff tied in because I love Syndicate to death and ofc there’ll be some fallout characters popping up as I write more. 

“Bawyer meeting number 2 electric boogaloo”:

This is technically my friend’s fic, but she’s having me write some of the dialogue and bouncing ideas off of me for it so imma include it in this for funsies. Basically is a small fic from Baron’s POV of him and Sawyer meeting up from the first time post-war with Elder Cross’s BoS negotiating with the MM about the missing Prydwen and her crew. Baron was the trusted pilot with transport to the very intense meeting and Sawyer’s the General who’s absolutely pissed the BoS are once again harassing the Commonwealth and wants them to leave them alone. Neither recognize each other for a solid ten minutes because they were convinced each other had died when the nukes fell ;w; 

“Jared snippit lmao”:

I actually just posted this W.I.P. a few days ago but I’m considering adding more maybe next year. Its about my RDO OC, Jared and his backstory leading up to the beginning of the game. Tossed in some ~demonic possession~ stuff to explain RDO’s game mechanics also ;)

“Fallout Fin”:

Oh lordy, I really need to work on this one more since clearly people love it haha, but it was originally my MerMay fic and then,,, then I kept writing and,,, now I have a whole story planned out and,,, haha yeah. It details an orca mermaid merman? Sawyer has an orca tail lol- but it details him meeting with a ~mysterious diver~ and ends up getting captured by the BoS (Brotherhood of S.E.A.L) for research. It’s going to be a slow burn and I have so many plans for it lmao

“Maxson/Prime fic :)”:

I’ve mentioned this fic in a previous post and lowkey writing it stresses me as I don’t usually do a lot with Maxson? Sawyer hates his guts so I haven’t ever,,,, done anything with him but. It’s a fic about Maxson surviving Prydwenburg and being saved by Liberty Prime. I don’t want to give away too many details, but I’m pumping a lot of love into some minor characters that fallout really dropped the ball on and who I feel the fandom forgets about often- and as with all my works ofc has some juicy juicy angst and questioning to one’s own humanity in it. Maybe there’ll be romance between a synth!Prime and Maxson, who knows honestly, maybe it will have it, maybe not, maybe its maybelline

“Lance fic?”:

I’ve been wanting to write a fic from a certain AI’s perspective who’s barely been mentioned on his blog and I really need to explain at some point in depth because I love him dearly but uh,,, yeah so the fic so far is just me struggling how I want to start his story and how I want to write him given,,, bodiless AI,,,, and also where I want the story to go as his is heavily involved with Baron’s when it comes to him escaping the Enclave and he even throws electronic hands with President Eden at one point who I know little to nothing about since I haven’t played fo3 yet but I still think its fucking hilarious

“warhammer au fic”

This is a well beloved au between my friend and I with our two boys (Sawyer and Baron ofc) in the warhammer 40k universe because we all have brainrot and I’ve fallen headfirst into the lore lol whoops. I uh,,, tried to write the beginning of Sawyer’s side of the story with him as a techpriest being transferred to Baron’s legion as a medic or,,, something but then I spent four hours studying the adeptus mechanicus ranks and then realized we still needed to homebrew the legion and don’t even have a name for it and also there’s so many specific names to all the equipment they use in this universe and 

anyways, only got a page done. did research. cried in the shower. bought Horus Rising in hopes that reading it would better prep me for writing about the universe. might fuck around and find an admech book to read also. I want to write the story so fucking bad but I also want to do the lore justice. 

“ranch fic ranch fic”

So you know how Baron and Sawyer during their pre-war military days how they used to spend breaks together and I mentioned at one point Baron spends a week with him at his ranch? No? Well it happened and this is a cute fic about it that I was just going to,,, write cute domestic shit in it and some,,, nsfw stuff you know,,, yeah,, 

“monster au bby :)”

yall are probably tired of be at this point but this is yet another Bawyer fic god help me I have brainrot for these two that we made for Halloween and I never got around to really writing much for. Essentially Sawyer is a vampire, Baron is a previous military experiment (instead of super soldiers its werewolves with trauma). Baron is struggling with dealing with the aftermath of everything and his sister finds out from one of Sawyer’s old friends (and ex-wife but that was centuries ago haha) that he’s a lonely vamp looking for a roommate. (insert: and they were roommates gif) Has a lot of the fallout cast in it and not really a full story yet? just a bunch of ideas we’ve tossed around. Fun stuff although I’ve only written a page or two so far for it. Some day I’ll write more, its good shit 

[laurenairay]

I can't help it if I like it - M. Martin

Summary: Dhara Nicholls is just trying to make ends meet while working on her Masters degree. Enter Matt Martin.

This is my entry for @wyattjohnston’s summer fic exchange 2k24! My giftee is @comphy-and-cozy and I hope I incorporated everything we discussed. This is the second longest fic I’ve ever written on here and I had genuinely so much fun writing it! Definitely written with a lot of creative license, not only because Matt and Sydney are couple goals, but also because I completely fudged the season dates. I also modelled Dhara’s degree and work after one of my best friends, and her Sikh faith after another friend, so it is as accurate as I could make it without experiencing it all myself.

I hope you enjoy it C! And thank you to Demi for reading through the first half of this monster!

Words: 13.7k

Warnings: age gap, flirting, pining, extremely slow burn, implied intimate moment, some bad language, changed names of Matt’s irl wife and children

Title from Shotput by Still Woozy Lyrics used from Middle of the Night by Elley Duhé

~

Waiter/Waitress…

Bartender…

Tutor…

Barista…

Cashier…

Of all the things to leave to the last minute. Dhara usually prided herself on her organisational skills, but with her summer internship taking up most of the past couple of months, finding a part-time job to give her disposable income (and food, for that matter) for the final year of her postgraduate degree had slipped her mind. Rents had gone up quite significantly in the past few months, so anything extra she had last year was pouring directly into paying for her tiny apartment, and she needed to eat, damn it.

Unfortunately, now that it was already August, there was nothing truly suitable. She needed flexible hours, that was for sure – some of her data modelling work couldn’t just be stopped in the middle of a good coding flow to pick up a shift at a bar. And some of her classes were online this final year, so she wouldn’t find it as easy to travel back and forth to a job on campus. Tutoring could potentially work but it would involve a fair amount of planning and structure that she wasn’t sure she could commit to.

This was the worst timing. And she’d sworn to herself that she wouldn’t ask her parents for help, not when she was so close to finally finishing her education. But what could she do?

“Hey Dhara!”

She turned her head to the side quickly, dark curls whipping over her shoulder, before she smiled. The familiar voice indeed matched one of her former dormmates, Melissa. They had lived on the same floor in freshman year at NYU, but with limited student housing, most of the friends on that floor had gone their separate ways into private renting. She’d lost touch with a few of those girls too, after they graduated from their undergraduate degrees, but those she still kept in touch with had carried on their education like she had – only Melissa and another of their friends Janelle had taken up postgraduate study at Long Island University – Brooklyn though, so it was good to see her familiar face outside of the occasional coffee catch-ups, especially after the long summer break.

“Melissa! Hi! How are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good, glad to be back in the city. How are you? Did you travel back to LA to see your parents in the end?”

“I’m pretty good too, thanks. And no, the internship offer was too good to turn down. My parents went on a few trips by themselves anyway, so it’s not like I missed out on too much time with them,” Dhara shrugged, smiling, “Now I’m just trying to get myself set up for final year.”

She loved her parents – really, she did – but she wasn’t as close to them as she had been growing up. The downfall of choosing to study far away from home. Dhara had barely been back to Los Angeles since she moved to New York when she turned 18, if she was being honest, and her parents valued her independence as well as her dedication to her studies. At least they could rely on video calls to see each other’s faces.

“Oh man, tell me about it. Shitty rent increases, right?” Melissa groaned.

“Exactly!” Dhara laughed, “I’m just trying to find something that’ll let me be flexible so I can graduate to the best of my ability, you know?”

“I know exactly what you mean,” Melissa sighed, smiling sympathetically, “I’ve got a couple of interviews at coffee chains lined up, but the hours are going to be brutal.”

Dhara grimaced. Yeah, there was a reason she wanted to avoid working as a barista unless there was no other option.

“Hey, you like kids, right?”

Dhara raised an eyebrow at her friend’s question. “I…do. I have plenty of cousins who have kids already, if that’s what you mean. Why?”

“A friend of my roommate works for a nannying agency. Completely certified company, really well paid, you can input your available hours into their website so they match you up, and they cater to a lot of wealthy clients. She told me they’re opening their books, but I’m not a huge kids person myself. If you’re interested, I could pass you her details?”

“Wait, really? Just like that?” Dhara asked, surprised.

It almost sounded too good to be true.

“Really really. The agency do background checks and would want to see your resume as well as do an interview with you in person, but I can’t see you getting rejected from this. You’re crazy smart and super competent,” Melissa shrugged, smiling.

Nannying. For a potentially wealthy client. There were a whole host of problems that could come from that, with both the parents and the children, but could the flexibility be worth it?

Then again, what did she have to lose?

“Okay sure, pass me her details and I’ll give your roommate’s friend a call,” Dhara smiled.

She could only hope this worked out in her favour.

~

Time was running out, Matt knew that much. There were only a few weeks before the season started up again, and it was beyond time for him to hire a nanny for his daughter. He’d been a single dad for two years now, his marriage ending mostly amicably. Sure, his ex-wife’s announcement that she was tired of following him around for his career had been hard, but not as hard as her second announcement that she was following her own career abroad. But she’d not contested anything he'd asked of her, and hadn’t made any unreasonable demands herself, so it was as clean as a divorce could be. Being solely responsible for the upbringing of their daughter Sarah was not something he’d been prepared for, not with his lifestyle. He knew he was lucky that his mom had been willing drop everything and move in with him after his wife left them, but it was time to let his mom live her own life – and for him to move on with his.

Hockey was his first love, nothing would change that. But his daughter Sarah had taken over so much of his heart that he was struggling with the idea of hiring a stranger to take care of her when hockey took precedence. But it was time – for all of them. In the end, he’d decided to go through a reputable agency that a few of the guys on the team recommended, but after three unsuccessful interviews Matt was just about ready to beg his mom to stay a little longer.

The first interview had started well. But it had quickly deteriorated when he realised that they weren’t as flexible as he needed. It was fair enough that the nanny wanted set hours – he knew his schedule was all over the place – but he obviously couldn’t offer that, so he wished them well and cut the interview short.

The second interview had started bad and gotten worse. He didn’t know if it was the way the woman smiled at him when he saw the elegant interior of the house or how she spoke of him being a single dad with a wide-eyed pity smile, but he didn’t like the vibes she was sending at all. He didn’t need a nanny that was more interested in him than his daughter. No, just no.

The third interview sounded promising on paper. The candidate had all the right qualifications and experience, but when it came down to processes and how she handled tantrums and tears? No way. He knew Sarah sometimes got upset when he was on long roadtrips – it was only natural – and there was no way he was leaving his daughter with someone who would punish her for showing understandable emotions.

So Matt could only hope that this fourth interview – his last for the day before he gave up and started from scratch – would finally be positive.

Dhara Nicholls.

When he’d first seen the name, he hadn’t known what to expect. Dar-Rah. That was how the agency lady had pronounced it, so he could only hope she was right – the last thing he wanted was to say the nanny’s name wrong out of ignorance. While he would ask for more detail during the interview, he knew the basics about her from the information the agency had sent over. Born and raised in Los Angeles, California, studied BS Computer Science at NYU, went on to study for a Masters in Computer Science at Long Island University – Brooklyn, and was currently in her final year for that. It was the flexibility that he was most intrigued by – and her apparent intelligence. He didn’t care that she didn’t have nannying experience outside of family. If she could take care of his daughter, make sure she was happy and healthy, that’s all that he cared about.

The doorbell rang right on time. Good start.

When he opened the door to greet her, Matt found himself freezing a little. He’d assumed that she wouldn’t be Caucasian based on her first name (as much as he hated assuming anything), but he somehow hadn’t been expecting the sheer beauty of the Indian woman standing in front of him now. At least he assumed she was Indian – and again with those assumptions. He would have to check for sure with some subtle questions because the last thing he wanted to do was act like an ass. But right now, her big beautiful brown eyes, smooth skin, glossy dark curls and sweet hopeful smile had his mind whirling. What was wrong with him?

“Hi! Mr Martin?”

Huh, a typical Valley girl accent. Not what he’d been expecting. Damn assumptions.

“Matt, please. Mr Martin makes me feel like my dad’s standing behind me,” he managed to force out.

The laugh that spilled from her lips sounded like music. He was doomed alright.

“Good to know. Matt it is,” she mused.

“Thanks, Dhara. Please come in,” he said, smiling warmly.

The way she smiled as he said her name let him know he’d said it right. Dar-Rah. Beautiful. No, he needed to be professional about this. He couldn’t let himself be bowled over by a beautiful girl, not when she was (hopefully) going to be employed by him. That wasn’t fair to her. Or to Sarah.

“Can I get you a drink? Water? Coffee?” he offered.

“Water would be great, if you don’t mind,” she nodded.

Matt quickly grabbed her a bottle of water from the fridge, before leading her into the living room, handing her the bottle as they sat down on opposite sofas. She was tall even in flat shoes, maybe 5ft10, and she looked around the room with a smile before her eyes landed on Matt. Captivating.

“Let’s start, shall we?” he said, trying to clear his thoughts.

Right from the get-go, she was impressive. Her upbringing in Los Angeles was very family-orientated, living near her father’s 3 siblings and all their children, her cousins. Her studies alone were remarkable but the way he could tell how passionate she was for her work was the most interesting part of all. He liked that she could be flexible with timings, happy to stay overnight in a guest room during roadtrips, and she was willing to work around her class schedule to even take classes from his house while Sarah was occupied with something she could still keep an eye on. It was more than he could have asked for, if he was being honest. It was all just a bonus that she was warm and genuine on top of it all.

Matt knew what he wanted the conclusion of this interview to be. Dhara was exactly what he’d been looking for, and he knew that Sarah would quickly accept her too. He could only hope that she felt like she’d been a good fit for them too.

“Is there anything else you wanted to know?” she asked.

“I think I have everything I need. I’m not going to lie, this whole process has been a struggle,” Matt admitted, “Trying to figure out who to trust my daughter with is the last thing I thought I’d be doing.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Dhara said softly, smiling sadly at him, “Would you like me to take any preferences back with me to the agency? So the next person is a better fit for you?”

If he hadn’t been convinced about her before, he absolutely was now.

“You don’t need to take feedback to the agency, Dhara. Because I want to offer you the job,” he said, smiling.

Her lips parted slightly in surprise, before a wide grin spread over her face. Somehow the pure joy in her expression made her even more beautiful, if that was even possible.

“Thank you, Mr Martin. Thank you so much!” Dhara said happily.

“You’re welcome. You’re exactly who I was hoping to find for my daughter. And please, call me Matt, remember?” he mused.

“Of course, whatever you want…Matt,” she said, ducking her head slightly to hide what looked like a shy smile.

Whatever you want.

Now that was just dangerous.

~

Dhara felt like she was dreaming. Three days ago, when Matt had actually offered her the job, she’d felt like her head was spinning, and it wasn’t until she had the official contract sorted and signed with the agency that everything started to sink in. He was willing to be as flexible as she needed, in return for her being as flexible as he needed – it was a small price to pay to stay in the guest room when he was away for her to still be able to attend all her classes. The only thing they’d had to negotiate was her one in-person class every two weeks that she couldn’t do online that was outside of Sarah’s Kindergarten hours, which he’d arranged for one of his teammate’s wives to look after Sarah for a couple of hours until she was finished. And wasn’t that a trip, learning who he was. An NHL player. She was really going to be the nanny for an NHL player’s six year old daughter, and she could still complete her degree. Mindblowing. The only thing that was still sort of in the works were the Kindergarten drop offs themselves – she wouldn’t be put on the accepted pick-up person list until after a first week’s trial, just to make sure Sarah was okay with her. It was fair enough, but still nervewracking. Matt apparently had full faith that everything would be fine though, and had already given her all the details. Drop off was between 8.30am and 9am, and pick up was at 2.30pm – Matt was happy for her to work from his house on the days she didn’t have to go into campus, to save travelling back and forth, which she was absolutely going to take him up on.  It almost felt too good to be true, that everything was working out the way it was, but she wasn’t going to let such a good opportunity to balance work and her degree slip through her fingers.

When Dhara arrived at Matt’s house, having been given a brief introduction to Sarah before Sarah excused herself to the living room, she tried not to let the nerves get to her. Matt looked lighter, like a weight had been taken off his shoulders, and she could only hope it was partly to do with her. He might be nearly 10 years older than her, but he was one of the most handsome men she’d ever laid eyes on, that was for sure. Not that she’d ever tell her new employer these completely inappropriate thoughts of course.

“Now, I have some meetings and final pre-season things to film and so on at the rink today. I’m hoping it’ll all be done in a few hours but it’ll be a good little start for Sarah to get used to me and my mom not being around. I’ve already explained everything to her, and I think she understands the concept of a nanny and that it was time for grandma to get back to her own life in Canada, but if there are any major issues then please call me,” he said seriously.

“I’m sure everything will be fine, especially if you’ve already talked with her, but I absolutely will call you if Sarah needs you. And please don’t rush home? You deserve to spend some time catching up with your friends. Team bonding, and all that, especially if someone suggests lunch. Sarah and I will be fine, I promise,” Dhara said firmly, but with a smile she hoped was encouraging.

Matt let out a shaky breath but nodded, and her heart ached for him. She could tell how much this was affecting him – it was obvious – but the whole reason for her being here was to make his life easier. She could do that, she knew it.

“Sarah, I’m going to the rink!”

She smiled to herself at the sound of fast-paced walking (not running inside the house was clearly a rule) and soon enough Sarah was clinging to her dad’s legs.

“Be nice to Dhara,” Matt said, smiling warmly.

“I’m always nice!” she said, pouting.

He just ruffled her blonde hair, nodding to Dhara with a shaky smile, giving Sarah one last hug before leaving the house. This was it – Dhara was officially responsible for the wellbeing of a child.

“I’m going back to colouring. You can come if you want.”

How generous. Dhara grinned to herself at the young girl’s candour, following her quietly through the house back to the living room where Sarah had a small stack of paper and colouring pencils laid out. Sarah seemed happy enough to thump back down onto the floor and continue with her drawing, silent but focused, and Dhara watched for a little while from the doorway. The most important thing for today – and the rest of this week – was for Sarah to feel comfortable in her presence. She’d never had any problems getting her cousins’ children to like her, so she could only hope the same gentle methods would work with this child.

Sarah didn’t seem to mind Dhara sitting down next to her, barely giving her a glance, allowing her to settle in quietly. So far so good. After a few minutes of Dhara watching her peacefully, Sarah slid a piece of paper over to Dhara, and looked up at her with blue eyes eerily similar to her father’s.

“I’m drawing a picture for daddy, to make him smile when he gets home,” Sarah said simply.

“That’s very kind of you. I’m sure he’ll love it,” Dhara said, melting on the inside at the sweetness.

Sarah side-eyed her briefly before seeming to deem Dhara’s answer acceptable.

“You should draw him one too. He likes my pictures so I’m sure yours will be fine,” she said, sliding over the colouring pencil box.

Kids. You had to love them.

“I will do my very best then,” Dhara said seriously.

Sarah just nodded, going back to her drawing with all the focus a six-year-old could. Dhara just smiled to herself, picking up a pink crayon to attempt to draw some flowers. This was a good start, right?

~

The first month of Dhara’s employment (and final year of her degree) flew by. Somehow, everything was going well so far. There were no dramas, no big issues, and her classes weren’t unmanageable with her new schedule. She could admit that it initially felt weird to be dropping a kid off at Kindergarten that wasn’t hers, especially so early on into knowing Sarah, but that first big smile her charge had given her at pick-up time made everything better. Like, genuinely her heart felt like it had puffed up in size – yeah that’s right, I made her smile – and everything had only gotten better from there. They’d even settled into a decent routine, to the point where Matt even joked that Dhara was becoming Sarah’s favourite person (apparently her bedtime stories were the best?) – and neither of them had even looked at her like she was crazy when she explained her work for her Computer Science Masters like most people tended to.

(“Daddy she’s so smart.” “I know sweetheart.” “I want to be as smart as Dhara when I grow up!” “Well then you’d better show me the new spellings you learned at Kindergarten today.”)

She’d only needed to stay an extra night in the guest room once so far for a roadtrip, which also felt weird, but Matt’s flight had been delayed so there really wasn’t another choice. Thankfully, he’d been there by the time Sarah woke up, so there had been no major tantrums, but the bedtime tears were still an experience she hoped to avoid as much as possible. After looking at Matt’s schedule, she knew exactly how many roadtrips he was going to be on, so hopefully she could come up with some ideas for what to do if that ever happened again.

There were many things she was learning in this new world of being a nanny.

She knew she’d be learning something new tonight too. It was the first game of the pre-season and Matt was in the line-up to play. Traditionally, Sarah always went, and tonight was no exception. Dhara had been hesitant to accept the ticket initially, content with dropping Sarah off with the WAGs she knew and picking her up at the end,  because she was quite literally just the nanny - but Matt insisted. He also insisted that Sarah wanted her there too, and how was she supposed to say no to that?

The plan would be that Dhara and Sarah would take the train over to the arena with plenty of time to spare ahead of warmups (so Sarah could hold her newly-made poster up against the glass), and then Matt would drive them all back to the Martin house – with the late timings, Dhara would need to stay late again. At least this time she had enough clothes in her overnight bag packed.

Nerves washed over Dhara as she entered the UBS Arena, but with Sarah chattering away, holding tight to her hand, it wasn’t too difficult to cover her nerves with a smile. She’d already met Kristy Cizikas – the teammate’s wife who covered looking after Sarah during Dhara’s class once every two weeks – so she would at least know one friendly face. Sarah led the way to the family suite, Dhara making sure her pass was clearly on display so no-one thought she was a fraud, and soon enough they arrived to a blonde-haired sea.

“Dhara! There you are!”

Kristy. Good.

She was thankful for the instantly-warm welcome – she was so out of her comfort zone that it wasn’t funny. Tonight really was her first time being thrown in at the deep end. At least she’d have a break soon to collect her thoughts when everyone in the suite (who wanted to) would head down to the ice for warm-ups. She could do this. She could totally do this. It helped that Kristy introduced her around the group, Grace Lee in particular making her feel at ease with her beaming smile.

The game itself was electric. Dhara mostly kept her eye on Sarah playing with the other kids in the family suite – you know, as it was her job – but by the start of the third period Sarah had fallen asleep on her lap, leaving her free to watch her first ever game of ice hockey with her full attention. Grace helped her out by murmuring along some of the rules and pointing out names of people that Dhara didn’t know yet, and she just felt herself getting fully entranced. She’d never seen anything so graceful and yet so physical. And the speed!

Dhara felt like a bit of an idiot for gasping when Matt full-body checked a player from the opposing team into the boards with a load crash, immediately throwing his gloves off to fight him, her eyes wide as Matt easily took him down to the ice. Fuck, that was hot. Why was that so hot? She could only thank her dark skin for hiding the worst of her blush as Grace and Kristy smiled knowingly at her. Whatever, they didn’t know anything. They could infer all they liked.

That didn’t mean her eyes stopped tracking Matt every second he was on the ice though.

“How was she tonight? Truly?”

Dhara smiled up at Matt, shifting a sleeping Sarah up on her hip as Matt unlocked the front door.

“She was so good. The way her face lit up when you saw her sign in warmups? She didn’t stop talking about it for ages. And she fell asleep on me during the third period so I just let her nap, I hope that’s okay,” Dhara said.

“Of course it is. I’m happy that she feels comfortable enough to do that around you!” he said, smiling.

She was too. She really was.

“I’ll put Sarah to bed, if you want to sort out your bandage?” she offered.

The cuts on his knuckles from his fight had needed a couple of stitches and would need to be cleaned then covered for at least one night, he’d told her that much on the drive home.

“You’re the best,” Matt said, nodding.

Dhara just grinned and headed up the stairs. It didn’t take her long to carefully lay Sarah down in her bed, pulling off her shoes before tucking the duvet over her. But as she slowly crept out of the room and gently shut the door, she could hear Matt cursing in the bathroom, and she frowned.

“Matt?” she whispered, trying not to wake up her young charge.

He cursed again, so she knocked on the bathroom door, and smiled slightly as he cursed in surprise and slowly opened the door.

“The bandage is caught on the dried blood in the stitch and I can’t get it off. Don’t want to rip it,” he murmured when her head poked around the door.

“Let me?” she offered, slowly walking into the room.

Dhara looked up at him through her lashes, holding her hand out, and Matt silently placed his hand in hers. His skin was warm, if a little callused, and it was all she could do to bite her bottom lip as she gently eased the bandage off his knuckles. Matt didn’t take his hand away as she reached for the cotton ball he’d already dipped in the cleansing liquid, allowing her to gently dab at the stitches until they were clean. The two of them stood close together, silent, only their hands touching, and yet somehow this was more intimate than she’d ever been with any man. It was intoxicating to be allowed to take this level of care with him. It was only when she gently pressed down the edges of the fresh bandage that she caught eyes with him once more, the intense blue making her breath catch in her throat, and she forced herself to break out of the moment.

Because it was a moment, and she didn’t know if it thrilled her or terrified her.

“That should be okay now,” she murmured, finally letting go of his hand.

“Thank you, Dhara. I appreciate it,” he said, voice just as soft.

Intoxicating.

Dhara just smiled, nodding her head as she slipped out of the bubble he’d unknowingly boxed her into, and stepped out of the bathroom with a racing heart. She needed to pull herself together. She needed to pull herself together, fast. Otherwise she was going to run the risk of ruining everything.

~

“So give us the details then.”

Matt took a sip of his beer, before frowning at Casey.

“What are you talking about?”

Casey shared a glance with Anders, who just smirked and shook his head incredulously. What?

“Seriously, what details?” Matt asked.

“About Dhara?” Anders prompted.

“Kristy and Grace told us all about meeting her at the game last week, how she was super sweet with Sarah and how much Sarah adored her. What really caught our attention was that they told us about her reaction to your fight. How her eyes lit up, how she gasped, how she was on the edge of her seat,” Casey said innocently, although the sparkle in his eyes was anything but.

“Shut up, she did not,” Matt grumbled.

Their words lit something inside of his though. It was just typical that they waited to interrogate him until they were all six beers deep at Casey’s house, Kristy and Grace having a girls night slash kids sleepover with some of the other WAGs, including Sarah. They were gossip vultures, the lot of them.

Did she really react like that?

He hadn’t been able to get that night out of his mind. The way Dhara came into the bathroom so carefully, like she was trying not to spook a horse. How she held his hand so gently, her skin surprisingly warm and soft. How her cleaning touch was so light that he’d barely felt it, how her ministrations hadn’t hurt at all. How her gaze had been so intense when they caught eyes that he’d felt his breath catch in his throat.

Matt hadn’t been able to stop thinking about that moment they’d shared, and it was driving him crazy knowing there was no way she was having the same thoughts.

But then again, if Casey and Anders were right, if Kristy and Grace were right, maybe she was?

“Bud, you know Grace wouldn’t gossip if she didn’t think there was some truth to it,” Anders mused.

He wasn’t wrong there.

“Dhara is my nanny. Sarah’s nanny. Everything is completely professional,” Matt said firmly.

“Everything is completely professional?” Casey prodded.

“Yes?”

At the hesitance in his tone, Casey and Anders grinned.

“I knew it!” Casey hooted.

“What happened?” Anders asked, eyes lighting up.

“Nothing! Literally nothing has happened. She cleaned the stitches on my knuckles for me because I couldn’t get the bandage off, that’s it,” Matt said sharply.

“Booooooo.”

“Seriously, don’t make it a thing. I don’t want her thinking that I’m some kind of creep,” he groaned.

“Now why would she think that, if you weren’t having creepy thoughts?” Anders teased.

Matt sent them both a flat look, making them hoot with laughter.

“Aww you have it so bad!” Casey cackled.

“You two are the worst. I don’t know why we’re friends,” he muttered.

“You love us,” Anders grinned, toasting him with his beer bottle.

Matt just stuck his tongue out in response, taking a big swig of his own drink. He needed to nip all of this in the bud. There was no way he wanted this to get back to Grace and Kristy, and then back to Dhara. Absolutely not.

“She is pretty,” Casey said, smirking slightly, “Kristy said her smile and her laugh lit up the whole room.”

“And Grace said that Sarah worships her, literally fell asleep on her without a care in the world,” Anders added.

They both knew his weaknesses so well. Matt groaned, tilting his head back, before staring his friends down.

“Enough, okay? Yes, Dhara is beautiful. And smart. And so beyond capable with Sarah that it isn’t funny. But I’m not going to be that guy, okay? I’m her boss and I’m not even going to consider crossing that professional boundary, understood? That’s not cool,” Matt said seriously, “I’m not that guy.”

“We know you’re not,” Casey mused, holding his hands up in surrender.

Anders just nodded his agreement. “We only tease you because we love you. And like I said, I wouldn’t have brought it up if Grace hadn’t seen something herself.”

“Just…don’t make it a thing? I don’t want to make Dhara uncomfortable around me. Sarah adores her and that’s all that matters,” Matt sighed, mostly in defeat.

“If you’re sure, then we won’t,” Anders said.

“But we reserve the right to change our minds later,” Casey grinned.

“Oh my god, get me another drink,” Matt groaned.

Seriously, the worst.

~

Sparkling lights, tinsel, and candy canes everywhere – it only meant one thing. Christmas was coming. With continuous snowfall and the way that she couldn’t escape Christmas songs anywhere, Dhara could hardly deny its upcoming presence, especially with how excited Sarah was getting. As usual, Dhara wasn’t going home for the two weeks break, and the moment Matt found out that her roommate was going home (leaving Dhara alone), he insisted that she came over to spend Christmas day with him, Sarah, and his parents.

(“Matt, no, I can’t intrude.” “No-one should be alone on Christmas.”)

He even tried to offer to pay her for coming over, with that she put her foot down. Christmas was Christmas, after all. In the end, they decided that, with her last class of the semester on the 19th, Dhara would stay over from the 20th to the 22nd, until his parents arrived on the 23rd. They would take over taking care of Sarah with Matt not getting home until late in the evening of the 23rd, and then Dhara would come back over on the 25th, leaving again in the evening of the 26th. It was a lot of back and forth, she could admit, but she’d never had someone in her life so insistent that she spend the holidays with them – and the fact that it was Matt? She couldn’t find it in her heart to say no, especially when he got Sarah and her puppy dog eyes on the case.

Somehow, travelling on the trains on Christmas Day wasn’t as bad as she feared, even with her overnight bag and holdall of gifts. It was only lightly snowing on her short walk to Matt’s house, so she wasn’t fully shivering when she knocked on the door but she was definitely glad that Matt didn’t take too long to open it.

“Hey, you made it! Why didn’t you call me from the station? I would’ve picked you up!” he said quickly beckoning her inside.

“I’m used to the walk now, and I didn’t want to disturb you,” she shrugged, unwinding the scarf from her neck.

“You would never have disturbed me. You’re…never mind, come into the kitchen, my mom’s making hot chocolate,” Matt murmured.

She left her bags in the hallway after taking off her boots, coat, and woolly hat, nervously following Matt into the kitchen. Why was she so nervous to meet his family?

“Guys, Dhara’s here!”

“Dhara! You made it!” Sarah cried out happily.

She knelt down to give her charge a big hug, grateful for the friendly face, before standing up with a nervous smile.

“I’ve heard so much about you – I’m Dawn,” Matt’s mom said, big smile on her face identical to Matt’s.

“And I’m Jim. It’s great to finally meet you,” Matt’s dad said warmly.

Was it really that easy?

“I’ve heard only good things about you too. Thank you for letting me join your family Christmas,” she said, smiling back at them.

“Letting you? I had to practically beg you,” Matt teased.

“Because I see you all year round – your parents don’t get that luxury,” she shot back, still smiling.

“I like you already,” Jim laughed.

“Drinks anyone?” Matt mused.

Once the hot chocolate was passed around, they made their way into the living room, Dhara having grabbed her holdall on the way with the gifts.

“I like your scarf, Dhara,” Sarah piped up, once she was settled on a big cushion on the floor.

Dhara’s fingers brushed over the lightweight blue patterned material draped over her chest and pinned in pleats at her shoulders with a smile. She didn’t usually indulge in her South Asian heritage with her outfits, but her holidays it always felt like a must. She might be wearing a casual plain grey sweater underneath, with light wash jeans, but the chanderi dupatta added a much-needed level of elegance – a casual but respectful outfit. Her mother had loved it at least when she called her this morning, and it was nice to know that Sarah did too.

“Thank you! It’s a dupatta – many South Asian women wear them in many different styles. I like to wear a chanderi dupatta, this lightweight patterned silk, over casual clothes to add a little something extra,” she said, smiling.

“It’s really pretty. Never seen you wearing anything like that,” Matt said softly.

“Thanks,” Dhara said, thankful her dark skin hid her blush, “I tend to only wear dupattas for special occasions. I don’t practice Sikhism as much as I did back in LA, and even then not nearly as much as my mother would’ve liked us all too.”

“Why not?” Sarah asked.

“Sarah!” Matt frowned.

“It’s okay, really,” she said, reassuring, “Well, my upbringing was fairly mixed. My mom’s parents came over from Punjab when they were newly married – my Baba Ji, my grandpa, is an Engineer. My mom and her brothers were born and raised Sikh in Los Angeles. Mom met Dad in university and they fell in love. The only problem was, he was Christian. Or at least, loosely Christian – and very white. While my mom didn’t care about all of that, because she’d fallen head over heels for him and him for her, her parents didn’t approve. She left home and married him anyway, and we haven’t really seen much of my mom’s side of the family ever.”

“But they fell in love!” Sarah cried.

“Culture and religion are complicated things,” Dhara said simply, smiling sadly, “my mom knew what she was giving up, she was very brave. She still had a lot of her friends in the community so she had that connection, and Dad’s family is huge and loud and welcoming, so she never felt alone. She raised me with a knowledge of Sikhism and the welcome to join her in celebrating any holidays I wanted to, but my parents left me to forge my own path, which I did. I have some contact with cousins on my mom’s side thanks to Instagram, so it’s not all a loss. I like to think I get the best of both worlds.”

She couldn’t have asked for more with her upbringing, she knew that. Dhara had been given the world, and been taught kindness for others always, and had an education that others could only dream of, and all the love she could ever want from her parents. She also knew that sometimes her mom struggled but that she had her husband, Dhara’s dad, to rely on for strength. Her mom truly was a hero of hers, and she could only be grateful for everything she’d done for her.

“Thank you for sharing that with us. It can’t always be easy, being so far away from your family,” Matt said softly.

“It isn’t always, no. But I’m following my passion with my degrees, and they understand that,” Dhara nodded, smiling at him, “Besides, we have modern technology, no?”

Matt and his parents just laughed, making her smile a bit wider.

“But Dhara, what about…”

“How about we give Dhara a break from interrogation and pass out gifts, hm?” Dawn mused, interrupting Sarah.

Dhara laughed, shrugging, Sarah just pouting.

“You can ask more questions later okay?” Matt said, glancing up at Dhara to make sure she was okay with that.

Dhara just nodded. The way he checked to confirm with her sent out butterflies she tried desperately to ignore. This was not the time.

As they all passed around presents, Dhara had been pleasantly surprised to learn that she had gifts to open too. She hadn’t expected anything from his parents but they’d still surprised her anyway, with a gorgeous earrings and necklace set that felt fancier than anything she owned in New York. Sarah had gifted her a set of pens and a pretty notebook (which she’d picked out herself, apparently) and she’d looked so pleased with herself that it warmed Dhara’s heart.

For Matt’s mom, she’d gifted her a set of Indian spices, because Matt had told her in passing that his mom liked to cook from all different cuisines – so she’d bought her cumin seeds, coriander powder, garam masala, turmeric, and green cardamom. Dawn had looked so touched when she opened them, giving Dhara a big hug that she hadn’t been expecting. Matt’s dad looked just as pleased by his craft beer tasting tour back home in Ontario, and promised to give her reviews of every single one.

Sarah had squealed in happiness at the book Dhara bought her. A Is for Awesome: 23 Iconic Women Who Changed the World. It was important for Sarah to learn about how powerful she could be as a woman, and from Matt’s smile he seemed to agree with her.

For Matt – she’d bought him a cufflink box.

“I’m always losing cufflinks on roadtrips. You remembered,” Matt murmured.

The way her heart fluttered. Wow.

“And now you have a place to store 4 sets, wherever you go,” Dhara said softly.

“Thank you, this is…I love it,” Matt grinned.

Well now she was a goner.

Her last gift to open was from Matt. Again she hadn’t expected anything from him – he was opening his home to her on Christmas, after all – but when she opened the instant camera, Fujifilm Instax Mini with multiple packs of film cards, her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest.

“Matt, this is…wow. This is too much!” she gasped.

“You’ve talked about wanting to preserve memories and I thought this would be a fun way to do it,” he shrugged.

A fun way to preserve memories. A whole ass camera. This was just like him.

“Thank you,” she murmured, smiling so widely at him that it hurt.

Matt just smiled helplessly at her in return.

“Can you tell me more about Sikh stuff now please?”

Sarah’s pleading interruption made her laugh, saving her from the explosion of butterflies in her stomach. “If your family don’t mind, I’m happy to tell you more about Sikhism, sure.”

Dhara looked at Matt and his parents, who all nodded and smiled at her. Well, here goes nothing. Time for a basic lesson in Sikhism.

“Sikhism was founded by Guru Nanak around 500 years ago in an area called the Punjab. That’s where my grandparents came from on my mother’s side, if you remember – Punjab is an area which spans part of India and Pakistan now, and they come from the Indian side of it. There are lot of different elements to Sikhism, but some of the main things that Sikhs believe are that your actions are important, and you should lead a good life. You should keep God in your heart and mind at all times, live honestly and work hard, treat everyone equally, be generous to those less fortunate than you, and to serve others,” Dhara listed.

“That sounds really nice,” Sarah said, smiling.

Dhara smiled back at her, heart warmed by the sweet words.

“It is, yes. I don’t attend temple, the Gurdwara, as much as I should, but it’s always really peaceful there. I always try to go for Lohri, the harvest festival in January, and I definitely celebrate Diwali in late October because my family always has, but there are many more holy days that Sikhs commemorate,” Dhara explained.

“Can you tell me about them?” Sarah asked hopefully.

Dhara glanced around the room, seeing Matt and his parents listening raptly, and nodded.

“Of course I can! Firstly…”

~

“Watch yourself, Matthew.”

Matt lifted his head from where he was washing up, seeing his mom standing next to him with a dish towel in hand. His dad, Sarah, and Dhara were all in the living room still, playing Go Fish, but Matt and his mom had moved to the kitchen to tackle at least some of the dishes.

“What?” he said, frowning.

“Don’t think I can’t see the way you look at Dhara,” she said pointedly.

Fuck.

Matt took a shaky breath and opened his mouth to protest, but his mom quickly shook her head.

“She is a lovely young woman with a bright future. Unless you can see marriage in the cards, then don’t mess her around. She deserves the best,” his mom said firmly.

Oh.

Oh.

“Yes, yes she does,” he murmured.

~

With Matt’s parents staying through until the 2nd January, the day before her classes started up again, Dhara had the full rest of the week to herself. The only thing she had planned was getting through work for her Database Management Systems class, but Dawn and Jim had insisted that she came to the game with them on the 28th. That whole evening had been so wholesome; it was clear exactly how much Matt’s parents loved and supported him, and to see his smiling face when they went down to see him after the game? Heartwarming.  Matt had also asked her to come to the New Year’s Eve party that Anders and Grace were throwing – his parents weren’t going to that, but he’d paid for them to have a nice dinner in Manhattan for their own celebration. Dhara almost said no to Matt’s invitation (because who was she to go to a private event like that?), but when he said that Grace had invited her specifically, she couldn’t resist. An invite from Grace Lee to her own party was not something that someone turned down. She knew she’d made the right decision when Grace texted her to say how excited she was that Dhara was coming, which made her feel like a little bit less of an intruder.

What was it with these people and forgetting she was literally just the nanny?

“You look nice,” Matt murmured.

“No daddy, Dhara looks beautiful,” Sarah said firmly.

Dhara laughed, ducking her head shyly just in time to miss the way Matt blushed. Her black sparkly long-sleeved bodycon dress was something that she kept on hand as the only semi-formal thing she had in her closet – so it was really her only option for the Lee’s New Year’s Eve party tonight.

“You’re right, my apologies Sarah,” Matt mused, grinning, “You do look beautiful, Dhara.”

Even if it was prompted by his daughter, it was still spine-tingling to hear Matt say those words.

“You’re too kind, both of you,” she laughed, shaking her head.

Matt just winked before kneeling down to help Sarah put her shoes on, leaving Dhara more flustered than she’d ever been in her life. Thankfully they didn’t have to wait long for the car service that Matt had insisted on, and soon enough their party of three arrived.

“Ah, welcome Martins and Nicholls!”

Dhara giggled at Anders’ booming voice, Matt rolling his eyes fondly as they entered the house.

“Thanks for having us,” Matt mused, handing over a bottle of very nice bourbon to his Captain.

Anders just grinned. “You’re always welcome, bud. Grace is in the kitchen making cocktails for the girls – we’re not invited to that, Matt, but you should definitely head in there so you don’t miss any good gossip, Dhara.”

“Oh, but Sarah…”

“Sarah can stick with me while we go and say hi to all her uncles before they get too drunk, hm?” Matt suggested.

“Drunk Uncle Casey is funny,” Sarah giggled.

“That settles it then!” Anders said cheerfully.

He pointed Dhara in the direction the kitchen and whisked Matt and Sarah away, leaving Dhara reeling. This wasn’t what she had expected at all – and now she was being shuffled over to the WAGs like she had any right to be there?

“Dhara! There you are! Grace is just finishing a fresh batch of mojitos – join us!”

She let out a shaky breath at Kristy’s happy exclamation, but followed her with a smile. She could totally do this. She could go with the flow, especially with Matt’s insistence, and she could just get back to watching Sarah after this drink, right? If Matt was okay with it?

In truth, nothing happened the way she thought it would over the night. While she did return back to watching over Sarah, all of the other WAGs with kids insisted they she took breaks to enjoy herself because they could all chip in to watch the kids. It did make her feel weird because hello, it was literally her job to nanny, but Matt’s happy face every time she took a break to socialise was too strong to resist. The main thing that struck her though was how much she stuck out like a sore thumb. Not just in terms of appearance – she figured she was going to be one of the only people of colour there – but just in terms of importance? Not even all the team was here – the youngest ones were off clubbing apparently, which made Dhara all the more aware of how intimate this gathering was. She didn’t belong here, not in this world. What was her life coming to?

She didn’t know if Matt’s presence helped either. All through the night he made she sure had enough to drink (she stuck to water or soda after that first lethal mojito from Grace) and enough to eat. He included her in every conversation, introduced her to people she hadn’t met yet, and checked in on her when she was watching Sarah. Every time she could see a couple of his teammates and/or the WAGs smirking slightly – but not in a mean way. And certainly not mocking her. It was confusing to say the least, like the lines were blurring without giving her any way to read the meaning of the situation, and it was all she could do to try to let it go. Matt was just being a gentleman, that was all.

When it came to a couple of minutes until the ball drop though, Dhara found herself squished onto a sofa in front of the TV that Anders was setting up, with Sarah fast asleep on her lap and Matt sitting down at her side.

“Champagne?” Matt said, holding out a second glass.

“I suppose one glass couldn’t hurt to bring in the new year,” Dhara mused.

She tried to ignore the way her stomach fizzled as their fingers brushed. Eventually, with just 30 seconds to spare, the living room was packed with party guests, Dhara essentially pressed fully up into Matt’s side. All she could do was remember to breathe, keeping her focus anchored on Sarah to distract herself from the warmth of his thigh against hers. It was intoxicating to say the least, and she was grateful at least for the noise of the room drowning out her thoughts.

“3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

As fireworks exploded across the screen and out the windows, and couples embraced all around the room, Dhara’s breath caught in the throat as she looked up at Matt to see him already looking down at her.

“Happy New Year, Dhara,” he murmured.

“Happy New Year,” she said softly back.

The intensity in his eyes made fire burn through her skin, barely softened by the champagne she poured down her throat. The way he looked at her…it almost felt real.

~

Dhara’s birthday was always a strange time of year for her. She never did anything massive to celebrate it, just casual dinner and drinks with friends and a phone call with her parents, but this year it fell at the end of January on a Saturday, at the end of Matt’s bye week. He had no other plans that spending time with Sarah anyway, so he gave her the week off to relax.

Relax, hah.

She had her thesis proposal to finish, with the final submission of the full finished thing due at the beginning of May, but she’d managed to sort out the data she wanted to use in the first half of January – so she was able to use her week off from nannying to finish the proposal. She holed herself up in her bedroom, surrounded by drinks and snacks, barely taking any breaks other than to reassure her roommate that she was still alive, until she submitted it to her supervising professor.

It was worth it, to feel like she’d accomplished something she was proud of.

Dhara emerged from her ‘coding cave’ the day before her birthday, her roommate shoving her straight into the shower while she ordered them both Thai food to celebrate. It felt good to have a little time to actually relax before her birthday, because before dinner and drinks with her friends, Matt had planned a surprise lunch for her.

She should have expected the restaurant he chose to be a fancy one. She’d never eaten anywhere so nice, not even when her parents came up for her undergraduate degree graduation.

“I have one more surprise for you,” Matt announced, just as he paid the bill, “if you have time to come back to the house with us.”

Sarah was basically wriggling in her seat, quietly begging please please please, and how could Dhara say no to that? All through the drive back to Matt’s house, Sarah was whispering to him and giggling away, making Dhara smile to herself. Seeing the young girl so excited made her excited – and after the incredible surprise Christmas gift he’d gotten her? She could only hope it wasn’t something crazy.

“Okay Sarah, you go ahead and open the door while I make sure Dhara isn’t peeking,” Matt said with a smile.

“What,” she said flatly.

Matt just smiled innocently, stepping behind her, and it was all Dhara could to do gasp as he gently placed his hands over her eyes from behind. Fuck.

“Door’s open daddy!”

“Okay sweetheart, why don’t you take Dhara’s hands and slowly guide her indoors,” Matt instructed, “if you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah sure, go for it,” Dhara laughed.

As if her today could get any stranger than this. So with Sarah’s small hands in hers and Matt’s large hands over her eyes (his cologne smelled so good this close, it was unreal), Dhara was slowly guided into the Martin house, taking heed of Sarah’s instructions not to bash into things, until she was standing in what she was sure was the rarely-used dining room. Matt and Sarah always preferred to eat at the kitchen island, but she knew where this room was. Why was she here?

“Ready?” Matt asked.

“Ready. I think,” Dhara mused.

Sarah let go of her hands at the same time as Matt removed his, and as soon as she opened her eyes, her breath caught in her throat. What the hell. In front of her, on the dining room table, were two computer screens, high definition and huge, with a docking station and all the appropriate wires to connect them to a laptop. To her laptop? What the hell.

“Matt…” she breathed.

Sarah just giggled at her reaction before skipping out of the room, leaving them alone. Leaving Dhara with her mind whirling.

“I know you were talking about how it’s easier to see your code side by side, and rather than doing the split screen thing you have been doing on just your laptop, I thought this would be more helpful,” he explained.

He remembered that from her rambling? He was listening?

“I can’t believe you bought me two computer screens. And a docking station. This is too much, Matt, really. I can’t accept them,” she murmured.

This was so personal – no-one had ever paid attention to her like this, and it was coming from him?

“Hey, no, this is important for you. For your work. I want to make sure that you have everything that you need to finish your degree in the best way possible – you’ve done so much for us and I just wanted to do this little thing for you. Besides, you only turn 25 once, right?”

“This isn’t little, Matt. And I’m just a nanny, I’ve barely done anything,” Dhara protested.

“If that’s all that you think you are to Sarah, and to me, then I’m clearly not doing enough to show you differently,” he said firmly.

The tone of his voice made her shiver in all the right ways.

“Matt, I…”

She trailed off at the intense look he was giving her.

“Happy birthday, Dhara,” Matt murmured, smiling softly.

It was all she could do to hug him tightly, sinking slightly into his chest as his arms immediately wrapped around her too. His shirt was soft against her cheek, that intoxicating cologne filling her senses, so much so that as she moved to break the hug, she impulsively kissed his cheek. Fuck. Dhara froze for a moment, stunned at her own audacity, but as she leaned back, Matt looked just as stunned – other than the pleased smile on his lips.

“Sarah! Come and say goodbye to Dhara so she can go out with her friends!” he called out, dropping his arms to let her go.

Dhara smiled at the sound of pattering footsteps, even more so as Sarah hugged her legs tightly.

“Dhara! You’re still my friend too, right?”

Be still her beating heart.

“Of course I am. I’ll be back here on Monday, ready for Kindergarten as usual,” she promised.

“Good. Happy birthday Dhara!” Sarah said happily.

Matt’s eyes never left her once.

~

With only a few weeks left until Spring Break, Dhara didn’t know where her final year of her degree was going. She knew she was going to use that Spring Break time to finish as much of her thesis as possible – and she knew she was going to be spending the whole week at Matt’s. Her new computer screens had stayed at his house as there was way more room for her to work there, and the couple of occasions she’d used them there for her classwork and he’d been home, he always smiled a pleased little smile like he was proud of himself for providing for her. It was…strange.

Everything was strange.

Since that kiss on the cheek, the dynamic between them had grown even more tense. Every stolen glance, brushed fingers, sweet smile, all felt like she was getting away with something forbidden. If anyone knew the illicit way she thought of Matt, she knew she’d burst into flames. And it wasn’t like she could be sure about how he felt about her either. Sure, he looked – but she was a beautiful Indian woman, and many men looked. It just felt different when she felt Matt’s eyes on her body, that was all.

She knew it was futile though. She was his nanny, nothing else. And she didn’t dare mess anything up with her employment now that she was only a couple of months away from turning in her thesis and finishing her Masters in Computer Science. She knew that she had to seriously start applying for jobs for starting in June, knew she didn’t want her years of hard work to go to waste – but it was so hard to decide exactly what she wanted when her head was spinning.

In a dream world, she’d have the career she’d always fantasised about, with Matt and Sarah by her side. But this was reality – girls like her didn’t get the career and the guy. She had to be realistic with herself, otherwise she was going to drown. She knew she had to stop indulging her daydreams and wake up – it wasn’t worth the inevitable heartache, as much as those dreams were nice to fall asleep to.

Still, when Spring Break arrived and Matt refused to let her nanny for him, rather than holing herself up in the bedroom of her tiny apartment, she holed herself up in Matt’s dining room, only emerging when Matt dragged her out to get some sleep or Sarah begged her to eat dinner with them. It was a weird but welcome change, to have people care about her wellbeing like that (her current roommate had her own weird work hours), so when she finally came out of her week of thesis writing and showered, she felt more human than she usually did after a data spree like that. It was refreshing to say the least.

“I can’t believe you spent your final ever Spring Break sitting at my dining room table,” Matt teased, handing her a plate of sliced apples.

Dhara stuck her tongue out at Matt as she happily took the plate, making him laugh.

“I needed to get my thesis finished as soon as possible so I can work on editing it and proving the data works. And I managed to get it nearly finished – now it’s just concluding it and all the weeks of editing to get done. Otherwise, all the hard work of the past three years will come to nothing, and I won’t be able to get a good job like I deserve,”

“Right, yes, of course. A job using computer science,” Matt nodded.

The way he said it though, and the way he looked like a kicked puppy, made her heart ache. “Matt, you knew I would only be able to work for you for a year. We talked about this, right from the start.”

“I know,” he said quickly, shaking his head with a smile, “It’s just going to be strange not having you around. You feel like part of the family already, and you know that Sarah loves you.”

Fuck.

“Matt, you’re killing me,” she murmured.

“Sorry,” he quickly said.

“No you’re not,” she said dryly.

“I am a little bit.”

Dhara huffed out a laugh, shaking her head. “I love systems analysis and the increase in importance of connectivity to keep up with modern systems within growing infrastructure, and I would love to work in something like that because it’s where my passion is. I just…I hope I can find something that takes a chance on a nobody like me.”

“You are the furthest thing from a nobody, Dhara. You’re incredible and talented and a beautiful person inside and out, and you deserve the best. Whatever you need, whatever I can help with, I will, okay? References, making calls, whatever. You name it and I’m there.”

Her lips parted in surprise at his supportive words, eyes stinging with tears, but she found herself smiling. He was such a sweetheart.

“That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me,” Dhara said, voice thick with emotion as she stepped forward to hug him.

She felt herself tremble slightly at the warmth of Matt’s hands on her back, even more so at the way he buried his face in her long thick curls, and tried to savour the feeling of his arms around her while she still could. How had their time together come to an end so quickly? How was this fair?

“Yeah, well, you deserve everything and more,” Matt said gruffly as he stepped back.

If only she could read his mind right now, to see what thoughts were running behind the complicated expression on his face, then she would do it in an instant.

“Thank you, Matt,” she murmured.

“You’re welcome. Make sure you start applying soon, okay?”

~

Network Operations Engineer – Madison Square Garden Entertainment – full time.

Submission – completed.

~

March.

April.

May.

His fleeting time left with Dhara was slipping through his fingers. The harder he tried to hold on, the faster the days flew by, until she submitted her thesis and the end was in sight. He couldn’t blame her for being excited – fuck knows he wouldn’t be sane after all the years of education she’d gone through – but he couldn’t stop the anxiety that built in his chest when he thought of how, soon, she wouldn’t be laughing and smiling and typing away at her computer in his house.

The Islanders had barely lost the first round of the playoffs, kicking and scraping to the last minute, and now with the whole summer stretched out in front of him, the thought of spending it without her was excruciating. But Matt knew he had no claim on Dhara, had no right to feel this way, no matter how she looked at him or smiled sweetly at him or that one time she’d kissed his cheek. She was everything he hadn’t known he’d wanted and needed, and now she was soon to be gone from his life forever.

He, Matt Martin, was completely gone for Dhara Nicholls, and he didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to do about it.

“Dhara, come on, you’re not watching!”

Matt rolled his eyes fondly at Sarah’s petulant whining. “Sarah Dawn Martin, that’s not how we speak to our friends.”

He could see Dhara biting her lip to hide a smile as Sarah huffed dramatically.

“Dhara, please will you watch this with me? You said you would!”

“Of course, why don’t I just get us some more water each and we can settle in, hm?”

“Deal!”

Matt watched Dhara walk over to where he was putting together lunch in the kitchen, unable to stop himself smiling at her the moment she smiled at him.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

She giggled, shaking her head at herself as she pulled a couple of bottles of water out the fridge.

“How’s it going in there with the Drill Sergeant?” he mused.

“Oh it’s tough, but I think I’ll make it out alive,” she grinned.

Why was everything so easy between them? Nothing had ever been this easy before.

“Look, I, uh…I was hoping to ask you something?”

Dhara raised an eyebrow with a bemused smile but nodded, leaning against the counter next to him. “Go for it.”

“So you know it’s my birthday on Saturday?” he started.

Dhara just nodded, smiling.

“Okay cool, so I know you have things to finalise this week, with administration at your university, but Casey and the guys and girls have organised a night out and I was hoping you’d come? So yeah, come out with us, please,” he said, cursing himself for rambling.

“Oh, thank you – I just…what about Sarah?” she asked.

So sweet.

“She’s having a sleepover with a friend from Kindergarten, I already sorted that,” Matt said simply, smiling.

“Well in that case, I’d love to. If you’re sure?” Dhara said, uncertainly.

“Of course I’m sure. I want you out celebrating with me,” he said firmly.

While he couldn’t tell if she was blushing or not, the flash of surprise and something else in her eyes satisfied something inside of him that felt distinctly feral. He really was losing his control around her, wasn’t he?

“Then I’ll be there,” she said sweetly, “You only turn 35 once after all.”

Matt just grinned.

Saturday night rolled around quicker than he’d expected. The WAGs had taken Dhara out with them to get ready – the full works apparently, hair, make-up, and manicures, all of which he paid for Dhara because it was last minute – and when the ladies finally arrived to the restaurant he’d booked out for dinner? Well, it felt like he’d been punched in the face. It wasn’t that her dark curls were glossy and teased to volumed perfection. It wasn’t that her make-up was flawless, full glam like she never did herself. No, it was the emerald green mid-thigh strappy silk dress she’d clearly borrowed from one of the other ladies. The dress was so dainty and unlike anything he’d ever seen her wear, close enough to a negligee that it sent his mind reeling. He knew she had a great figure already, and that her legs were long and toned, but seeing them like this? It was mindblowing. And, obviously, it had taken everything in his power not to drool or let his jaw drop.

Naturally he missed Casey and Anders smirking at their wives and receiving triumphant grins in response from Grace and Kristy. Dhara’s sweet greeting and warm hug made everyone else in the room disappear.

Still, after dinner and going to a couple of bars, they ended up in a night club nearing midnight, Anders having booked a couple of tables upstairs in the VIP area. The whole group had a couple of shots together, toasting Matt’s 35th birthday, before the WAGs all dragged Dhara off to dance with them. From their table he could just about see her in the middle of the dancefloor, looking like she was having the time of her life, body swaying and moving in a way that had his full attention. Captivating.

He watched her on and off for the next half hour, switching between talking to the guys, sipping on his whisky and coke. But it wasn’t until Casey thumped down next down next to him and clapped him on the shoulder with a huff that he realised anyone had noticed.

“Come on man, just go down to the dancefloor and put us all out of our misery,” Casey groaned.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Matt frowned.

“You’re pining after Dhara and it’s driving us crazy,” he retorted.

��We’ve talked about this. She’s my nanny,” Matt said sharply.

“Yeah okay, like that even matters. I’ve seen the way you look at her and Kristy’s seen the way she looks at you, and it’s not like she’s going to be your nanny for much longer, right?” Casey smirked.

“Oh fuck you.”

“Fuck her.”

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Matt all but growled.

Casey just grinned, clearly getting the answer he wanted, goading Matt just like he intended. Damn it, he really did know him too well.

“Love you too bud. Stop being a coward,” Casey just snickered, patting Matt on the shoulder, a clear indication to just get out of there.

And if the desire to dance with Dhara hadn’t won out, he knew he’d be scowling at his friend. Instead, he found himself drifting down the stairs from the VIP area to where he lasted spotted Dhara in the crowd, and soon enough he found her. She looked like a goddess: swaying from side to side, multi-coloured lights brushing across her brown skin like a Picasso painting, and he felt himself mesmerised. She turned her head slightly at the prompting of Grace, wide smile stretching across her lips when she spotted him.

“Mind if I join you?” Matt said, raising his voice.

“Of course not birthday boy!” Dhara said happily.

Matt stepped closer to her, barely registering the rest of the ladies grinning at each other and slipping away through the crowd to leave them alone. His attention was completely captured – Dhara’s hips swaying so close to him were a massive distraction – and it wasn’t until a familiar song started playing that he finally looked up at her face.

“I love this song!” she said happily.

Dhara turned her back to him, confusing him slightly, until she looked back over her shoulder expectantly. He knew they’d both had a fair amount of alcohol to drink at this point, but her eyes were clear enough – dance with me. He could barely control himself as he stepped up behind her fully, hands on her hips, pulling her gently back against him, the soft moan that sounded from her lips making him feel wild. Fuck, he could feel himself stirring where his crotch was pressed just above her ass, even more so as she continued to sway her hips.

“Come, lay me down, 'Cause you know this, 'Cause you know this sound

In the middle of the night, In the middle of the night, Just call my name, I'm yours to tame...”

“Matt,” Dhara murmured, looking up at him.

He followed his base instincts for once, staying silent as he used the grip he had on her hips to spin her around to face him, taking pleasure in the look of surprise on her face and the flash of lust in her eyes, swaying their bodies together again.

“…I'm wide awake, I crave your taste all night long, 'Til morning comes, I'm getting what is mine, You gon' get yours, oh no, ooh, In the middle of the night.”

“Matt please.”

It was all he could do to guide her quickly through the crowd to the edge of the dancefloor, to an empty spot against the wall, leaving them mostly in the shadow, the bright flashes of light illuminating them just about enough to see each other’s faces.

“Tell me to stop,” Matt murmured into her ear, hands threading into her thick curls.

“Kiss me,” she replied, lifting her head in challenge.

He didn’t hesitate to press his lips to hers, kissing her just as she’d demanded, his heart immediately soaring. Dhara moaned into his mouth, moaned again when he pushed her firmly up against the wall, kissing him back just as eagerly as her hands clutched at his shirt. It was like she melted against his body as he slid his tongue past her lips, fire zipping through his blood, his head swirling. Matt kissed Dhara over and over again, one hand leaving her hair to clutch at her hip, the silk of her dress driving him mad and doing nothing to mask the heat of her skin, and while the music washed over them, he wanted nothing more than to get her away from this crowded dancefloor and take her home.

Fuck, it was intoxicating how well she fit into his arms, how her body was moulded to his, how their tongues danced together as intimately as their bodies had done. In all the times he’d thought about kissing her, about holding her, nothing could compare to the real thing. Nothing could compare to this.

But he needed to know that it wasn’t just him, that she wasn’t just kissing him because she was drunk. He didn’t think he would survive that. The confused noise she made when he broke the kiss just about broke his heart though.

“Dhara, baby, I gotta know…”

He groaned, kissing down her neck, feeling like he was shaking apart at her soft moans.

“What, Matt?” she gasped as he nipped at her skin.

“You’re not…you’re not too drunk right now, right? You want this?”

“Matt, I’ve been drinking water throughout the night between drinks. I want this. I want you. I just didn’t know if you wanted me,” she said, shrugging with a sheepish smile.

She didn’t know if he wanted her?

He rested his forehead against hers, pressing her fully into the wall again so she could feel where he was half hard in his jeans. Dhara giggled, pulling him down into another kiss with her grip on his shirt, and Matt was all too happy to oblige her, knowing he’d never get enough of her now that he’d tasted her.

“It’s not just sex, baby, I swear. I want all of you,” Matt murmured, breaking their kiss again to suck on the thin skin behind her ear.

“You promise?” she asked softly into his ear, almost shyly.

“I promise,” he nodded, as serious as he could manage in this moment.

“Then take me home.”

“Yeah?” he grinned.

“Yeah, take me home Matt,” she grinned back.

~

Dhara woke with a soft groan, eyes feeling gritty and mouth as dry as an old sock. She blearily lifted her head, grabbing the glass of water on the side table and chugging it, body not recognising the weight of an arm over her waist until her head was a bit clearer.

An arm over her waist.

Over her bare waist.

Matt’s arm.

She let out a shaky breath as all the memories of the night before flooded into her head. Dancing intimately with Matt in the nightclub where anyone could see them. Making out on the side of the dancefloor. The two of them leaving the club without telling anyone, barely keeping their hands off each other in the uber back to his. Then a rush of lips and hands and teeth and bare skin, and waves of pleasure over and over again, crying out his name without a care in the world.

It was everything she’d ever dreamed over, and now, waking up in his bed with his bare body pressed to hers, it was her nightmare all the same.

She’d never acted like this before in her life. Never slept with a man she wasn’t dating. Absolutely never slept with her boss. What kind of trashy behaviour was that? How could he ever think she was worth his time if this is the way she acted the first time he showed interest? Fuck.

But she remembered his words too. How he checked that she wasn’t too drunk, that she wanted this. How he swore it wasn’t just sex, that he wanted her. How insistent he was on promising that it wasn’t just talk to get her into bed. And in between each of the many orgasms he brought her to, he checked in with her each time, making sure she was okay, just because that’s who he was.

He was Matt Martin, gentleman under a rough handsome exterior, and he wanted her.

None of that changed her insecurities though, how all of this was so out of character for her. Not to mention, she knew damn well that everyone knew what they did last night, why they left the club early, and wasn’t that mortifying? No, she needed some air, she needed to think. And to maybe put on some clothes she’d left in the spare room because there was no way she could wear Kristy’s tiny silk dress home in broad daylight.

With a shaky breath, Dhara gently picked up Matt’s arm, moving it off of her body, before slowly sitting upright. If she could just stand up without waking him it would be…

“Good morning. Going somewhere?”

Matt’s husky voice made her freeze, a wave of guilt washing over her, before she turned to face him, sheets clutched to her bare chest.

“I…I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing,” she murmured, more honest than she cared to be.

And if that wasn’t a metaphor for her life since she met him, what was?

He just frowned, sitting upright, and she couldn’t stop her gaze from raking over his chest, his biceps, his shoulders. Damn. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? Where should I start?” Dhara said, feeling a little hysterical.

“I thought we were on the same page last night,” Matt said hesitantly, “I thought we both wanted this.”

“We did,” she said quickly, “I did. But…you know this doesn’t make any sense right?”

“Why not? You like me, I like you. You want me, I want you. It’s simple,” he frowned.

If only.

“It’s not simple at all, Matt. Not for me. It’s one thing for you to have the hots for your young pretty nanny, but to actually hook up with her? And to say you want something more? People are going to think I’m a gold digger! That I trapped you! That I manipulated my way into your life!”

“Dhara, all of that is bullshit. I don’t care what people think. Anyone who dares to call you a gold digger is an asshole who doesn’t know us. Everyone who knows us knows it isn’t like that at all. You’ve already got a job lined up waiting for you with Madison Square Garden Entertainment Group and you only just handed in your thesis – like, you’re going to be making your own money so it’s not like you only like me for that, right?”

“Well, no, but…”

“And you didn’t even know who I was when you first interviewed with me, so it’s not like you planned this, right?”

“Of course I didn’t, but…”

“If you don’t want anything more than this one night with me then obviously I would accept that. It would suck and the last few weeks of you working for me would be really awkward, but damn Dhara, I want a future with you,” Matt finished, taking one of her hands in his, the other still clutching at the bed sheet.

He really wants a future with her?

“You do?” she asked softly, almost as if she didn’t believe it.

“Yeah, I do,” he nodded, smiling warmly, “I mean, I’m not sure what you see in me – I’m a 35 year old hockey player who’s nearing the end of his career, already divorced once with a kid who doesn’t have an off switch or a volume control, and I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life…but I just know that I want you in my life, however I can have you.”

“You’re the kindest, sweetest, most handsome man I’ve ever met, with a daughter who loves you so much, and you see me for more than the Indian girl stuck behind a computer screen. I…I never expected this, any of this Matt, but I want to try?” she said, biting her bottom lip.

The way his face lit up with sweet genuine smile made her heart soar.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me. I’m going to do my best to make you so happy too, Dhara, I swear,” he grinned.

Dhara huffed out a laugh, laughing properly as he tugged the sheet out of her hand and guided her to lie down again in the messy bed, sliding his thick arm over her waist to tug their bare bodies together, lying face to face in the most intimate yet soft way she’d ever lain with another man.

And in that moment, it didn’t matter that her career was just about to kick off while his was in its hockey-twilight. And it didn’t matter than he was 10 years older than her, a whole wealth of life experience that she barely had. And it didn’t matter what people would whisper about them, or what judgemental looks she was get, or that her mother had never met him, or even that none of this would ever have happened in her wildest dreams.

All that mattered was that he wanted her, in his bed, in his family, in his life.

“Can I kiss you, baby?”

“Yes.”

~

Tagging a few people: @jostyriggslover96 @misshoneyimhome @senditcolton @fallinallincurls @2manytabsopen

[skypied]

AO3 Wrapped Questions!

3, 5, 6, 7, 10, 11, 16, 20, 27, 28, 29, 30 :)

I'm guessing wrapped implies "works from this year" so I'm only going off those! Buckle uuuuup this is getting looooong like always

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

Hmmm, maybe Back Home. Most of my fics this year feel like mindless brain dumps, but this feels more like a complete work.

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

Probably hard feelings? It generally has a lot less hits and kudos than most my other work, probably because of it being angst without a happy ending (YET), but through the months it's gotten a lot of very sweet and heartfelt and/or heartbreaking comments.

Back Home also got a lot more feedback than expected - it was one of those venting fics that I didn't really expect to resonate and/or not be enjoyed by anyone else but me.

6. Favorite title you used

Hmmmmmmmm , I don't really think any of my titles this year stand out :p Maybe Catch of the Day, just bc it's so stupid.

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

Most my titles from this year weren't song titles actually! Surprising, since I used to exclusively use song lyrics. There's only hard feelings (Lorde) and Can't Help It, I'm Obsessed (Sam Riggs).

(In 2021 we had Orla Gartland, Lizzo, Troye Sivan, Taylor Swift, Halsey and Maria Mena. Taylor and Maria were used twice: so they win. I think Maria would win overall for how many times her lyrics have been direct inspiration.)

10. What work was the quickest to write?

Probably a tie between the first chapter of hard feelings (started at like 10 in the morning when I was supposed to work, lol) - and Home (written while perched on the kitchen counter watching onions caramellize for onion soup). Both were around four hours, maybe one or two more for revisions.

Wait, actually, both chapters of Catch of the Day were mostly written in an hour or two each.

11. What work took you the longest to write?

Depends on whether you count hours spent on it, or stretch of time it took to finish it haha.

I do have wips I started last summer. Most of them are probably never gonna be anything. But I do have a wip that's almost done and I still intend to finish that I began... 14 months ago. oops.

But among published work - the ones that took the longest stretch of time is probably undertow and chapter two of hard feelings. According to docs, I began undertow on Christmas Eve last year (damn, didn't I have anything better to do?), so it tooooook... almost nine months? It's also kind of a mashup between three aimless wips that I eventually figured out went well enough to just patch together. hard feelings part two took seven months.

Most hours spent on it is harder to gauge, but maybe Can't Help It, I'm Obsessed. I remember I spent most my free time on it for maybe two-three weeks. (And then Annie kindly and graciously and perfectly finished it for me, thank god; I'd gotten myself in a real rut with it.)

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

Oh I dunno. Most are generic things like genre, established relationship and aged-up characters. The only one that sticks out is probably Alberto Scorfano has ADHD.

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

Prrrroooobably Trust Fall! I think it's just sweet and neat.

27. What do you listen to while writing?

That goes in cycles. Sometimes a playlist with classical music mixed in with movie soundtracks. Sometimes just whatever album I'm hooked on at the moment. I have some specific music for specific things, most are one song I'll loop for hours:

Downtown (feat Pri Pach) by BYOR, VINNE, Pri Pach. It's SO good for hyperfixating and writing smut 2am on a weekday. (Been a while since I did that, though.) There’s a reason it was my #1 on Spotify Wrapped last year, and #2 this year.

IDFC (feat. Ravenna Golden) by WHIPPED CREAM, Perto, Ravenna Golden. Same as Downtown. It tingles my brain.

River by Bishop Briggs. Great for emotionally charged and angsty smut.

I've spent HOOOOOURS listening to just 22:12 Until The End of Time from the Haven soundtrack while writing, no specific genre.

I generally listen a lot to Kevin Atwater to get into those Sad Boy Feelings (especially when writing about Alberto being too brainwashed by Christianity to admit his feelings for Luca. God I still love that AU, shame it's never getting finished.)

Lately I've been rewatching TV shows while writing, just to have something moving on the screen and something to listen to.

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

Hmm hmm hmmmmm, feel like I'm repeating myself here but Back Home and hard feelings. Both feel like is the first complete stories I wrote. Most my stuff is just scenes, this was the first that spanned over a longer time and connected themes together.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Ahhh idk if I have the patience to reread all 50k I published this year, so I'm taking a couple that come to mind:

It’s stupid and predictable and sometimes Luca wonders when they’ll tire of this, when the intensity of the teenage crush will fade into something more mature, as his mother used to sigh when they were chasing each other’s tails around the bay. It’s been years, and he’s starting to suspect this is just what they’re like, perpetually snickering like kids breaking curfew, whispering secrets in a blanket fort and constantly one-upping each other. 

from Morning Routines. The whole fic is stupid, silly fun, but I feel like this passage sums up their relationship in a cute way.

You know him like the back of your hand, but he’s scarily good at slipping under your skin to hide. You convince yourself otherwise, but you can never really tell. Not really. But it’s yet another trust you have to fall into, accept the rush of gravity and hope he catches you. 

Trust Fall, chapter one

He looks at you, breathless and disbelieving. Disbelieving your love for him. When it’s the only thing you truly believe in, when nothing in this chaotic world makes sense without him, when it’s the seam keeping your life stitched together.  

You wish he could reach inside your chest, clench your heart tight and feel that it’s more his than your own. You wish you could put your mouth to his ear like a conch shell, and he’d hear the ceaseless waves that lap in the back of your mind whispering his name. You wish he could feel the magnetic pull from somewhere deep in your guts that makes you unable to stop orbiting him. 

You don’t dare imagine what would happen if he stopped letting you love him. 

Trust fall, chapter two

Both of these from Trust Fall are some of the rare instances that I feel like I’ve written analogies that feel complete and make sense for them and the work itself. 

You stare up like you used to, towards the incomprehensible lights of celestial bodies dancing on the surface, towards the never-ending fantasies of freedom forever pulling you towards the next horizon. Except now there is an anchor wrapped up in your tail, with a low, humming purr filling your body and quieting the restless whisper in the undercurrent of your blood and gentle claws tracing patterns over your ribs, all brazen ferociousness gone for listless limbs and a sleepy murmur whenever you shift.

There’s still a pull, a need to see, try, explore more. But maybe you don’t need to leave everything behind to feel free. 

from undertow. I feel like this is the closest I’ll come to writing something about Luca’s “teenage rebellion” need for freedom that might lead him to neglect friendships/relationships for fear of being smothered again, and becoming comfortable with intimacy and vulnerability and being tied down.

Also this line:

You don’t want him to be in love with you unless it hurts.

This whole thing from ch2 of Back Home:

“Do you still love me?” you ask again, but now your breath is slow and calm because you know the answer. But you have to ask. Just in case. 

You know the answer because he’s ripped your heart out and sown it back together; replaced old, festering scabs with gossamer threads of promises and gently placed it back inside. It’s still a fragile, ugly patchwork, but he’ll keep replacing bits and pieces of old hurt with new hope until it’s whole. You know it because he has scratch marks and bruises down his back and neck colored by your love and rage, because he lets you ruin him to save yourself.

You know it because you believe him more than you believe yourself.

“More than anything,” he says in a firm voice, as if it’s a fact as natural and definite as the sun rising and setting. He picks the smoldering stardust off the floor, breathes life back into the stars and places them back into your eyes. He smothers the flaming rage in your veins and replaces your blood with love. Because he loves you. You love him too. You love him more than anything and it hurts more than anything. But it’s worth it for the blissful, warm silence when he looks at you and you know he’s seen everything inside you and still he wants to. He makes your heart into a home and you let him. No matter how many times you tear it down in all-consuming fits of rage, he puts it back in order and you let him. He wants to make you better and you want to let him.

yayyy I love breaking Alberto and putting him back together again<3

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

Maybe how drastic the shift from only writing smut to never writing smut was? haha. Dgmw, I still write smut, but I just... don't finish it. Idk, it always ends up pushing up against things I'm uncomfortable with, or I write myself into corners. I feel like they're always things that aren't really a big deal, but they turn into massive hurdles in my head. And while writing smut is fun, I eventually end up feeling like I'm just writing the same things over and over. Which, y'know, is still fun and doesn't mean it's not valuable! I guess I just get really self-conscious over baring my ass on the internet.

On a more positive note, I think I've managed to keep a bit more distance to my writing. I do often get stuck with writing, and that frustration used to encompass everything and be... not great for me mentally. I used to obsess a lot more about feedback and get really bummed out about "underperforming" works and compare myself a lot to others. Now it's more like... I just chuck stuff I think is neat up on AO3 and don't think much more of it.

I’ve also experimented a lot more with style than I expected, and I guess found my voice a bit more!

ALSO how much Luca POV I’ve written. I still feel like I don’t understand the guy, but he’s fun to write. Alberto POV tends to become ... dark, lol.

[mordsfesch]

6, 11, 17, 29 für ao3 wrapped <3

6 - Favourite title you used

Probably "In meinem Bett ist grad noch Platz für dich", but "A Knife in the Dark" is a close second.

11- What work took you the longest to write?

From starting to write until posting it? I think that has to be "Mit Dir", which I started working on in the summer and only finished last week. So, I have been working on it for at least 4-5 months. I have to admit, though, that most of that time the fic has just been lying around without me actively writing or editing. 

17 - Your favourite character to write this year?

Franz. No explanation given. I love writing Kalli too, tho. 

29 - Favourite line/passage you wrote this year?

Damn, that’s a tough one. I guess one of my favourites is this: 

„Wenn es jemanden gäbe, mit dem ich zusammen Kinder haben wollte, dann wärst das du.“

„Schleimer.“

Die Röte kroch von Franz’ Wangen hinüber zu seinen Ohrenspitzen, doch ein Lächeln umspielte seine Mundwinkel und er bedachte Ivo mit einem liebevollen Blick, bevor er sich wieder dem Schauspiel der Kinder widmete.

[blouisparadise]

Upon request, here is a rec list of bottom Louis fics with clingy Louis! If you enjoy this list, please be sure to like and reblog the post to spread the word. Happy reading!

1) I Wanna Hear Your Heart Every Single Beating Part | Mature | 2325 words

This is all Harry's fault for wearing that lavender sweater and me thinking Louis would look absolutely amazing in it with nothing else on.

2) Heaven In These Sheets | Explicit | 3557 words

Bunny Hybrid Louis has it out for his boyfriend’s phone.

3) I Got Soul, But I’m Not A Soldier | Mature | 3893 words

Louis and Harry smoke weed. Louis is a little needy and Harry loves it.

4) You Just Made My List of Things To Do Today | Not Rated | 3910 words

Harry and Louis had been avoiding each other for weeks since Harry called Louis too clingy. When Harry brings a girl back to their hotel room, Louis accidentally cock-blocks him, and Harry comes up with a way for Louis to make it up to him.

5) Enter The Rose Garden | General Audiences | 10387 words

Note: Though this fic has no smut, it's omega Louis so we included it.

Soft heats make omega Louis clingy. Enter alpha Harry.

6) Mon Amour | Explicit | 24763 words

Louis' a French model who is becoming the next best thing in the industry, and Harry's a political journalist forced by his boss to go to Louis' event and try to interview the 'Mysterious Model.'

7) I Found A Love For Me (Darling Just Dive Right In) | Explicit | 46652 words | Sequel

Louis, an omega with very little control. Harry, an alpha with a lot of emotion. Neither of them have any idea what do to with this little thing called love, but they’ll be damned if they don’t put up a good fight.

8) Love’s Truest Language | Explicit | 48195 words

The first part was meant as a joke. He didn't really expect Harry to buy anything. It was just Louis’ way of softening the ‘get the fuck out’ blow.

“Where's your order forms, then?”

“I don't want your flowers.” Louis chided before directing all of his attention to the arrangement in front of him.

Harry laughed under his breath as he stood to his full height, “Who said anything about them being for you, love?”

9) Your Touch Shouldn't Make Me Feel Like This | Explicit | 48883

Uni AU in which Alpha Harry has been in love with his omega friend for the longest time and one motorbike trip to the countryside with Louis made him realize that he could no longer hold back his feelings.

10) Warming Up To You | Explicit | 56227 words

“I feel you,” Harry nods along as he zips his bag open, carefully pulling out his fancy looking camera before pressing a button to turn it on. “I love taking pictures for a number of reasons, but I think the best part of the whole thing is that I’m able to go through my older pictures and have all these memories from those moments come back to me.”

He puts the camera against his eye and points at Louis, and before the shorter one can even react, he hears a ‘click’, and Harry’s smiling down at the screen of his camera.

“And I don't think I want to forget about the day I got stranded in a cabin with a pretty stranger,” he finishes off.

11) Don’t Think About The Consequences | Explicit | 70478 words

“Can you shut up, for once?” Styles asks, and Louis’ eyes widen in shock. He opens his mouth, and Styles can tell he’s going to start yelling again about something absurd that Styles really doesn’t want to listen to. Professor Styles keeps talking instead, not giving Louis the chance to yell. “How…. how do you go from flirting with me in the middle of class to these annoying outbursts of anger? Can’t you just, can’t you just…” Fuck it.

He leans in, and molds his lips against Louis’ open mouth. The wind gets knocked out of him when their lips finally meet, and he can finally feel Louis’ softness against his own lips. His hands reach up to cup Louis’ face, as Louis leans closer to Styles and he finally relaxes into Styles’ embrace. Styles doesn’t deepen the kiss, instead he pulls away and ghosts his lips across Louis’ while he comprehends what he just did fully. Fuck.

12) Electing Strange Perfections | Explicit | 84757 words

Back for the summer from university, 19-year-old Louis is faced with a massive problem: their new gardener is quite possibly the most gorgeous man he's ever met. Over the course of the summer, Louis and a 25-year-old Harry will learn that love can be found where you least expect it.

13) Perfect | Not Rated | 117258 words

Soulmates had only been in the history books for the past few hundred years, so people were still trying to get the hang of it. From what he's read, back then, if you met your soulmate, that was that. You either chose to be with them and be happy, or be with the one you truly loved and suffer.

Sort of poetic, you know, if he believed in that shit.

14) Falling Into You | Mature | 143109 words

In the grand scheme of adolescence and boyhood, Harry was still working himself out, so far with little luck. But four things he could say for certain: 1) he’d been at the top of his class all through primary and secondary school, 2) he was the shittiest alpha to ever walk the earth, 3) Liam Payne never let him forget it, and 4) he’d been in love with this boy, Louis Tomlinson, ever since he was fifteen years old.

15) Queen Of Arizella | Explicit | 277919 words

Stealing from Royalty is punishable by death.

Louis starts over, doing his best to keep his hands at his sides but he is hungry and he tries stealing from the wrong Royal.

Harry is King of Arizella, he needs a Queen and who better than an omega on the run from death? Louis will learn to become the perfect Queen -the perfect fake Queen, but only for a few months.

A fake lover, a fake Queen, but a real bond.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[mystery-moose]

BIG OL’ WIP LIST

List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they’re working on.

I got tagged by @philosoverted, who has been wonderfully supportive of all her friends’ writing even when it’s for fandoms she isn’t even a part of. Because she’s fantastic.

I’m going to be kind of vague with some of these, though, because I like to preserve some semblance of surprise for anyone who happens to be following me for writing!

I’d put them behind a cut but apparently tumblr hates readmores right now? So instead I’ll just apologize for this long post that’s about to break your dash please i’m sorry it’s not my fault tumblr sucks eggs

AMatMMP

This is the direct sequel to Angus McDonald and the Flight of the Flying V. It is very long, not the longest thing I’ve ever written (yet) but certainly the longest thing I’ll have finished when it’s finally done. It’s also very complicated, because I like mysteries and plots and hate myself. I especially hate what I’ve done by setting it so close after the first one because it means I can’t write anything else with these characters until I’ve finished this.

But I swear to you and God and whoever is listening: this summer it’s happening.

Shelter

Think of everything I’ve ever written. Thematically and emotionally. Now, multiply it by a thousand and make it even more self-indulgent. You should have some idea of what Shelter is. It’s not plot-heavy (thank christ) and it doesn’t have any action or adventure. But it is everything I’ve connected with over the past year and a half, made into a single super-specific-to-me thing that stretches into a hazy future that I might never actually finish. But the fun thing is I don’t have to finish it, necessarily; I just want to write enough to get to the One Big Moment, the thing I’ve been thinking about since, oh, a year ago. That’ll act as enough of a catharsis that I can feel good about posting it, if I never end up finishing the rest.

Basically this is the epitome of me being Back On My Bullshit. I adore it. Someday soon, I hope to start posting it. Probably after AMatMMP, though.

Money and Fame (working title)

A few months ago I came up with a little adventure for Taako and Kravitz to go on. I really liked it at the time, but I waffled on writing it because I felt like... well, it involves Sazed, and I thought I might be being too charitable to him? But I haven’t been able to get a couple scenes of it out of my head, so it’s almost certainly getting written at some point. But it’ll likely be a much shorter, more focused thing than my usual plot-heavy junk. No flashbacks in this one, I don’t think!

The Lucretia Longfic (title TBD)

I got a bee in my bonnet last summer (thanks to @epersonae and her posse) and wrote, like, twenty thousand words of a Lucretia thing. I’ve since realized that it is Bad, and needs so, so much more time than I was giving it. It’ll happen at some point, I’m sure -- I like Lucretia too much to never finish it -- but it’s... she’s probably the best character with the strongest arc in the entirety of TAZ, and she deserves the best I’ve got, and my best so rarely feels like enough for her.

Candlenights

This is set after AMatMMP, so it’s getting finished after AMatMMP. It’s a meet-the-fam fic, with almost zero conflict whatsoever, but I’ve since realized it needs a different third act and I haven’t figured out how to end the damn thing. I’ve got a few thousand words for it already, but as soothing as I find writing it, this might not get finished for a while.

Fighting Words

This was gonna be a simple little series of one-shots for each of the THB (and maybe the IPRE) just gettin’ into some scraps. It’s still going to be that thing, but it’s just been set aside for a long time in favor of, uh, every other project I’ve got going. I’ll get back to it when I feel like posting something in short order, I’m sure.

The Great Taako-Burnsides Fight (title TBD)

I wrote a whole outline for a thing where Taako gets into a fight with Magnus about Lucretia, and then Magnus literally throws him out of his house and Taako feels really bad about it for like a week and Magnus fumes for a bit and then there’s a big ol’ forced sit-down with Lucretia and it’s yet another vision of mine for how Taako and Lucretia could ever, like, be okay again. It’s like the third version of this idea that I’ve plotted out (the Lucretia Longfic and Bygones being the other two) because apparently I’m just really into semi-forgiveness, as a concept. The funny thing? I’ve kind of settled on one that’s my personal “canon” for how it happens, and the other two are just AUs. I don’t normally do that! Normally when I establish a personal “canon” that’s all I write. TAZ has been really weird for me, in a lot of ways.

Anyway, it might get written at some point? It’s not super long, in the outline I’ve got. But there’s so many other things above it at this point, I think it’ll only happen soon if I get a real hankerin’ for it.

Cycle 95

This is a semi-follow up to Cycle 71, but it’s a different thing. The gang ends up on a planet where the Light is being held by a farming town terrorized by raiders, and have been bullied by them for generations. They have to help them fight the bandits to get the Light. (Taako is frustrated and suggests just taking it by force, but the townsfolk make it clear they would die fighting.) They end up training the townsfolk over the course of a year, defeat the bandits, and save the town. Their victory is an inspiration to surrounding communities, who create their own bands of protectors clad in red, and long after the IPRE has left, their legacy remains in the peace they create.

So this is straight up some Seven Samurai bullshit, because why not? The twist is that the town elder is something of a prophet, and as the IPRE train the townsfolk, he has a solitary moment with each of the seven in which he gives them advice that foreshadows what they’ll go through on Abeir-Toril. It’s not a lot, certainly nothing that changes how anything goes down, but I enjoy the cutesy foreshadowing and reassurance of who each character has developed into. (The only person who doesn’t get one is Taako. He avoids the elder like the plague. He gets his own moment, to himself.)

I will almost assuredly write this someday. Probably soon. It’s just so much fun to me. And it won’t be that long, either! Comparable to Cycle 71, I’d imagine. As with anything in the Stolen Century, I’d want to keep it short. There’s just too much room to lose yourself in that arc, any single year could be a hundred thousand words, and I just refuse to fall into that hole.

AMatItCJ (working title)

This is the “Angus at Neverwinter University solves a mystery with the help of his college buddies/Persona-style Investigation Team” and it is VERY loosely plotted but will almost certainly be VERY long and TOO complicated and I REFUSE to write it, do you hear me, I REFUSE.

(I’ve got character outlines and a basic plot and a few flashbacks and a final parlor scene and that’s basically it. I’ve actually thought about collaborating with someone on it, but I’m afraid I’d be too much of a control freak about it. This one might never happen.)

TaakoQuest (title TBD)

Kravitz is taken by a demonic entity anathema to the Raven Queen and is trapped inside a plane where no celestial entity or emissary can venture, purely to taunt her. Lup and Barry are helpless. Every other member of the IPRE and the founding Bureau is long dead. The Raven Queen asks Taako to do it. So he does.

This one literally came to me in the car ride home tonight, when I was thinking about Luster and how much I enjoyed the Taako-as-scientist scenes in that fic. I might write down some bits and pieces for it right now. It won’t be long. Maybe won’t even be multi-chapter. It’s just yet another exercise in showing Taako caring for other people through action, and in which he gets to act like a total baller.

I have very few settings, apparently.

This’ll almost certainly get written at some point, but maybe not soon. I’ve still got school stuff to do, but I like the bits I’ve thought of enough that I’ll almost certainly inflict them on you all at some point. But don’t worry, it won’t be nearly as emotionally harrowing as Luster. I can be cruel, but not THAT cruel.

THE ULTIMATE MOST SELF-INDULGENT GARBAGE EVER WRITTEN

I love Pyre.

I love schmoopy, slow-burn romance.

I will probably finish this someday.

I will never post it.

THAT’S IT

I’m almost certainly forgetting one or two, but I’m pretty sure that this is all I’ve got percolating in my head and WIP folder right now.

I’m sorry it’s so long, and I’m extra sorry I’m so bad at writing things regularly.

But I’m not sorry I don’t post things until they’re finished. I learn from my mistakes. I will never leave my readers hanging again!!

oh i guess i have to tag some people huh

uhhhhhhh @orchidcactus @fistfulofgammarays @anonymousalchemist @marywhal aaaaaaaand @emi--rose

TELL ME YOUR SECRETSSSS

[demonzdust]

I’ve never done any kind of even slightly ABO fic, but as none exist for sceo, I felt a duty to give it a go. It’s not finished yet, but I wanted to publish sort of a long preview for the last theme of SceoWeek.  So....definitely not my usual stuff, but good to try new things.

Title: Agreement Rating: Explicit Relationship: Scott McCall/Theo Raeken, Derek Hale/Jackson Whittemore (brief mention - probably more of it in the full fic) Summary: As Scott turns into the six month anniversary of his eighteenth birthday his body begins to undergo a new transformation that threatens to drive him mad. After advice from Derek, he seeks release in the form of a chimera that’s been trying to worm his way back into the pack since summer started.

When the pangs and urges first started to wrack his body, Scott wrote it off as irritability due to the summer humidity drifting through Beacon Hills, or the fact that he’s been single for the longest time he can remember since he first started dating. But as the days rolled by and the symptoms seemed to be getting worse he began to wonder if it might be something else.

The heat that rolled up his neck and curled tightly in his hips, the uncomfortable feeling that seeped through his blood, the sensation that there’s was some kind of monster within him ripping at his insides like it’s trying to free itself, they all only seemed to be getting stronger.

He was hot and irritable nearly all the time, and he suddenly found himself being uncharacteristically grouchy to everyone around him. He growled at Liam when the beta wolf had disagreed with him over some stupid lacrosse conversation, yelled at Malia when she ignored his instructions, and snapped at his mother when she’d asked him to do a simple task for her.

That’s when it was obvious that there was something really wrong.

He wished he had Stiles around to talk him down, but if he called him and asked for help (with anything really) Stiles would drop everything and race back to Beacon Hills. And that just wasn’t acceptable. Scott was not going to ruin his best friend’s chances at college just because he couldn’t handle a surge in his hormones.

So he kept it to himself. He apologized to his friends and mother, and offered up the excuse of nerves about being soon to start at UC Davis.

It would pass, he told himself. Just like when he hit puberty, or when he first became a werewolf, it would pass with time.

But it didn’t. Or at least it didn’t pass fast enough.

The urges, which had initially just been a random bag of urges he’d always felt (protective of his pack mixed with the standard package of horny teenage needs) started to give way to urges that Scott considered much more out of place and shameful.

He worried about the kinds of things he was beginning to want  to do, and who he wanted to do them with.

As the hottest days of summer hit Beacon Hills, all Scott McCall could think about was sex.

Damn it. He thought one particularly brutal day as he stood in front of his air conditioner. I’m eighteen, I’m not a virgin, I thought I was over this. What the hell is wrong with me?

His phone buzzed in his pocket just as he thought the question, and he swore as even the slightest vibration in his pants made his dick swell.

Really? He wanted to just scream at himself. A freaking phone vibration sets you off now? This is becoming really really pathetic...

It’s a message from Liam asking him if he wants to go to the gym.

No thanks. I already worked out this morning, and I’m not really feeling that well.

It was a lie. He’d been in his room all morning, but it was a hell of a lot better of an answer than “No I don’t think so - I’m kind of worried that I’ll just be thinking about how I want to bend you over the bench and fuck you and that’s kind of weird because I’ve never even thought about you like that till a few weeks ago but now I just want to fuck everything that moves. Especially other werewolves.”

Yeah, the truth just didn’t feel appropriate to share.

The day after, he’d decided that it would be better just to stay in his room again. He decided the same thing the following day. And the day after that.

About a week into his self-enforced isolation, he started noticing another problem. One that made him think he might have some sort of weird werewolf STD. He thought about calling Deaton and explaining the symptoms, but that just felt so embarrassing he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

His friends were starting to worry about him, and he was starting to worry about himself.

How long could he keep himself locked away in his room? Rubbing it out and then soaking in an ice cold bath provided only momentary relief. In minutes he’d be hard and frustrated all over again.

He felt like he was beginning to lose his mind, and finally, he broke down and called someone.

“Scott?” Derek’s voice sounded confused on the other end. “Everything okay?”

“No.” Scott answered miserably. “I’m having a problem. There’s something wrong with me, can you talk?”

Derek sighed, as if he’d been in the middle of something, but Scott could hear the sounds of his footsteps and then a closing door as he obviously found somewhere private.

“Yeah,” Derek replied after a moment. “What’s up?”

Not needing to be told twice, Scott launched into a lengthy description of the problems he’d been having. He spared no details, from the crude fantasies that tormented his thoughts to the hard swelling he couldn’t seem to rid himself of at the base of his dick.

“And sometimes it just won’t go away.” He half whined, half growled into the phone. “Like I jerk it, and the swelling goes down everywhere but there. And it’s starting to get fucking painful.”

At that Derek laughed.

“You think this is funny?!” Scott demanded, feeling fury start to gather up in him. “I feel like I’m losing my mind and dying over here and-”

“Oh get over yourself.” Derek shot back. “You’re not losing your mind or dying.”

“Well then what the hell is happening to me?” Scott demanded, still a bit relieved to hear that Derek knows what’s going on.

“You turned eighteen recently, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, like six months ago...?”

“Mmhmm.” Derek hums smugly, reverting to the tone he typically reserves for instances in which he gets to hold his werewolf knowledge over Scott’s head. “You’re becoming a man and there’s a hormonal shift happening. A lot of werewolves have similar problems with the moodiness and general assholery when they turn eighteen.”

There was something in Derek’s voice that made Scott feel as if the topic is a bit closer to Derek at the moment than he’s letting on but Scott isn’t sure why. Derek turned eighteen several years ago...why would this be a source of frustration for him right now?

“So yeah, it’s even worse if you’re an alpha werewolf.” Derek goes on, before Scott can question him more on the subject’s relevance to him. “It’s rare that someone becomes an alpha before turning eighteen, but there are a few rare cases...”

“Yeah, that’s all great, but what about the-”

“The knot?” Derek interrupts, and Scott can only assume that he means the swelling.

“Yeah.”

“That’s something that happens to alpha werewolves every so often, particularly if your...uh...needs haven’t been met in a while.” Derek says, and Scott can practically feel him smirking on the other end. “It’s natural, it doesn’t happen that frequently, but it will every so often, especially while you’re going through this transformation.”

“Okay, but how do I get rid of it?” Scott blurts out.

“How do you think you get rid of it?” Derek replies.

“Fuck.” Scott growls. “It won’t just pass?”

“I mean it will eventually.” Derek admits. “But this could take months, hell it could take a year. You haven’t been able to rub it out? When was the last time you tried?”

Scott flushes. He’d been furiously at it only moments ago. The only thing he’d done between that and calling Derek was wash his hands.

���Recently.” was all he said in answer.

“Hmm.” Derek replied and Scott could tell that this time Derek was a bit confused. “It must have to do with the whole alpha before turning eighteen thing. Usually you can just rub it out...”

“Great.” Scott said, frustratedly. “So I’m stuck with this for a year...I guess I might as well just drop out of college now. There’s no way I’m going to be sitting through classes thinking about jumping on every person in the class.”

“Well, it’s probably only if there are other werewolves in the class.” Derek said. “But, really Scott. Isn’t there anyone that could maybe help you out with this? Like you don’t necessarily have to lock yourself in your room and suffer...”

“Oh yeah, Derek, let me just jump on one of my packmates and beg them to let me fuck them.” Scott said, his voice almost as sarcastic as Stiles. “I’m sure that wouldn’t destroy my relationship with them or be awkward at all once this is all over...like seriously I don’t know what the fuck you think sometimes...”

“Okay,” Derek replied, and Scott could hear the tension and annoyance in his voice now. “I’m going to remember that those are your hormones talking right now and let that go.”

“I’m sorry.” Scott sighed guiltily. “I just...I couldn’t ask any of them for something like that. It would be so weird and creepy.”

“That’s fine.” Derek replied, seemingly satisfied with the apology. “It doesn’t have to be someone in your pack. It just needs to be someone supernatural, and ideally close to your age. What about someone in Satomi’s pack?”

“I can’t do that!” Scott objects. “That could get so political...and what if I act like an asshole? Or like hurt them by accident?”

“Well, is there anyone you know that you might feel less guilty about doing this with?” Derek asks, as if it’s a normal question. “Someone that maybe you’re not that close with but might be open to it?”

There was a long pause as someone that met those specifications popped into his mind. Someone supernatural and tough, someone close to his age, someone he’d feel a little less guilty about hurting if things got too heated, someone that would probably be up for all of the above.

Someone he’d even been attracted to before.

“I’m going to take your silences as a ‘yes but I don’t want to tell you who’.” Derek said after a minute.

Scott’s about to object again when he hears a door slam roughly on Derek’s end of the phone.

“Derek?” a familiar sounding impatient voice sounds in the background. “Where the hell?”

“Shit.” Derek whispers. “I have to go. I’ll text you some stuff about what to expect with the whole knotting thing.”

“Wait-” Scott says, suddenly recognizing the second voice. “Is that Jackson? Are you in London?”

“Look.” Derek snapped back at him. “You’re not the only eighteen-year-old werewolf with problems, alright?”

“Is Jackson having the same problems that I am?” Scott stubbornly insisted on having an answer. “Tell me, or I’m calling you right back!”

“No, his are different.” Derek answered in a hurried whisper. “He wants different stuff. But don’t worry he’s also being a whiny asshole about it.”

“Yeah but he was always an asshole...”

Derek hung up on him, but followed through with his promise to text some more advice.

* * *

Scott wrestled with himself for hours. His phone buzzed several times with concerned texts from his friends, but he ignored them as he considered his options over and over again.

He could stay in his room for the rest of the summer and hope his body stops tormenting him by the time he needed to move into his dorm in UC Davis. That would require answering a lot of awkward questions from his friends and family, and also a good deal of suffering.

Of course, that was assuming it even did blow over by college.

It was also assuming that he wouldn’t lose his mind, which he feels very near too. He was also starting to worry about hurting someone.

What if someone threatened Beacon Hills while he was in this confusing state? What if he killed them out of pure fury?

That didn’t seem like a great plan.

Then there was Option B. The option that Derek had guessed very correctly, that he didn’t want to share out of pure embarrassment: Theo Raeken.

The fact that he was even considering throwing himself into the hands of Theo to resolve this for him, really went to prove how close to insane he’d become. But the more he thinks about it, the more it starts to seem like the only real option.

Theo was strong, Scott wasn’t worried about hurting him like he was about anyone else. He was probably the only person in the town that Scott would be okay fucking and then never speaking to again. He’s also the only person he knows (save perhaps Malia) that would be open to a one-off proposition like that.

Also his dick jumps every time he even thinks so much as Theo’s name.

Of course, he’s not really sure what would be in it for Theo...

Would he be into it for the sex? He’s seen Theo flaunt his sexuality to tease and entice others, but he’s never seen Theo act particularly lusty. Theo seemed like he was more focused on getting ahead than getting laid.

Would he offer to help Scott out because he really owed him one anyway? Theo’d metaphorically fucked Scott in the past so maybe he’d realize that he should let Scott fuck him just so the score between them could be settled. Scott hated himself for thinking that, but the line of thought was contagious in his mind’s diseased state.

Perhaps Theo would try to extort some kind of favor in return. He was sure there must be something the scheming chimera wanted. There always was.

Or maybe Theo would be more devious and consent so that he could use it against Scott at some future date.

Would Theo even agree at all? Scott wasn’t even sure what he’d do if Theo flat out refused.

Scott rung his hands over and over again. He scratched his neck irritably, as he paced the room and contemplated the millions of ways in which propositioning Theo could go terribly wrong.

Assuming Theo consented, then what would happen? Would he feel guilty if he hurt Theo, or did dirty degrading things to him? Yeah, he probably would...but not nearly as guilty as he’d feel if he had done them with anyone else.

In many ways going to Theo felt like a recipe for disaster, but it still seemed safer than losing his mind and ripping the next person that bothered him in half.

By nightfall he was more or less decided.

At around 9pm he made his way to Theo Raeken’s house via the most shadowy streets and paths that Beacon Hills had to offer. He didn’t want to be seen by his friends or anyone else.

He pulls his red hoodie up over his head as he slips out of the shadows and makes his way up the stairs of Theo’s front door. Another surge of guilt hit him when he realized that the last time he had to sneak around to get laid was probably seeing Allison.

If only she could see him now. Lurking like some kind of creep, about to ask one of his worst enemies for the werewolf version of Netflix and chill.

But it’s too late to turn back now.

After hitting Theo’s doorbell he stuffed his hands nervously into his hoodie pockets and waited. When the door creaked open, Scott was relieved to see that he’d at least gotten the house right. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure if Theo was living in the same house he’d occupied before he’d spent that time underground.

“I take it something isn’t going well for you?” Theo asked, pulling the door all the way open and slouching against the door frame. If he could smell the hormones wafting off Scott in waves, he certainly didn’t let it show on his cold collected features. “You must be really desperate if you’re here to talk to me...”

Scott hated how right Theo was.

“I need your help.” he almost barked out.

* * *

Theo had been waiting for this moment all summer. He knew a time would come when Scott McCall would need his help for something, and that it would give him the ability to slowly re-ingratiate himself with the pack. He just can’t believe that the timing had worked out so perfectly.

He needed Scott’s protection and to be a part of his pack more at the moment than he ever had before. But why he needed it, or the fact that he needed it all, he decided to keep to himself.

He looks at Scott, taking in the thick scents of lust and frustration emanating from him. The scent was kind of appealing to be honest.

What exactly did Scott want?

* * *

“I...” Scott said slowly, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. “I...need you to let me fuck you.”

It was hard not to want to kill himself when the words left his mouth.

“You...need that?” Theo asked, amusedly as he folded his arms and looked him up and down. “Or you just want that?”

Scott wanted to punch him.

Of course Theo was planning on busting his chops a little before giving him an answer. What had made him think he would do anything else?

“Do you really think I’d be here, if it wasn’t something I needed?” Scott growled. “I’m obviously having a werewolf problem.”

“It seems like you’re having a personal problem to me.”

“Fine! I’m having a personal werewolf problem.” Scott shot back. “Are you happy? Does that make a difference to you?”

“Marginally.” Theo said, smoothly. “So...your problem will just go away if I let you fuck me?”

Scott could swear he saw Theo change his posture slightly so that his hip jutted more noticeably out. Was he...taunting him?

“Yes.” Scott growled again. “It will.”

“And it has to be me?”

“No. It could be anyone.”

“So, then why-”

“Because it’s more convenient if it’s you.”

Wow. Scott thought to himself as the words left his mouth. That was...really cold. Even if it is true...

“I see.” Theo said after letting Scott’s admission hang in the air for a few moments.

“Look, if you’re going to say no then-”

“Did I say no?”

Scott had looked down at his feet through most of the conversation. He didn’t need Theo’s extremely fuckable body in front of him right now, but Theo’s last words made him finally look up into the chimera’s eyes again.

“Will you?” he asked, his voice both guilty and hopeful. “Can I...?”

Theo looked at him and bit his lip as if he was considering something. Or maybe the lip-biting was just another way to try to torment him.

If so, it worked.

“Tell you what,” Theo said after another few moments of infuriatingly arousing lip-chewing. “I’ll let you do whatever you want to me, if...” his eyes flickered evilly, “...you protect me like I’m one of your pack. Oh and, Scott, I really mean whatever.”

Scott’s blood surged at Theo’s emphasis on whatever, but he managed to keep himself still for at least another moment. He knows he needs to clarify exactly what the terms of their agreement are.

“What do you mean, ‘protect’ you?” he asked. “Is something after you?”

“I mean, if I’m in any trouble, you have to let me be near you. Possibly stay at your your house or you stay here with me. If I get in any trouble you’ll tell anyone that’s after me that I’m under your protection.”

That you’re mine. Scott thought, but then quickly corrected himself. Theo wasn’t his, and he didn’t want Theo to be his.

“Fine.” Scott agreed, even though Theo didn’t really answer his question about someone being after him. The blood rushing to his hips made it harder and harder to think. “I’ll protect your sorry ass the next time you screw someone over and they come looking for you.”

Theo nodded.

“Well then,” he said, stepping aside. “Why don’t you come in?”

Everything in Scott screamed at him to tackle Theo to the ground and ravish him, but there was something else he wanted to clarify, or at least make Theo aware of.

“Theo...there’s something else you should know...”

“That you want to knot me and that you’re worried about losing control and hurting me?” Theo asked, his tone somewhere between nonchalant and smug.

Scott just stared at him, a bit dumbfounded. Did Theo really just not care about that at all?

“I’m not stupid, Scott.” Theo says, just as collected as if they were talking about the weather. “I’ve known about werewolves for a long time. I know enough about the lore and enough about you to figure out why you’re here asking me for this and not anyone else you know.”

Scott didn’t need to be told a second time. Confident that Theo knew exactly what he was getting into, he leapt into the house and slammed the door behind them.

He didn’t waste time moving into a bedroom or even to the living room sofa, and instead just pushed Theo right down onto the floor in front of the door.

His hands moved up Theo's shirt and slid over hardened muscles as he pushed the chimera’s back flat down on the against the cool wooden boards of the floor. He bit Theo's lip between his teeth and growled as he ground his hips down onto him.

But Theo didn't sit there passively. Almost immediately his hands found Scott’s hips, and his nails dug into the alphas flesh as he spread his knees to give Scott greater access to him. He returned the bite, but with a loose slutty suction that only made Scott hungrier.

Feeling Theo's length begin to harden against his own, Scott pushed his tongue into his mouth and rut harder against him.

“You tell me if you need to stop.” he said breathlessly as he broke his mouth away and ripped Theo's shirt over his head. “If it's too much, or if you change your mind, all you have to do is say ‘stop’.”

He needed Theo to know that. That he could end this at any time. That he didn't have to continue if didn't want to.

At that, Theo laughed.

“You really think I'd need that?” He asked, bitter and amused. “You think a hard fuck from you would be even close to the worst thing that’s ever had happen to me?”

His hand found Scott’s belt and he yanked it open.

“Don't make me laugh.” He said, as he pulled Scott’s zipper down and reached inside.

Scott hissed with pleasure as Theo's fingers wrapped around his swelling cock. He leaned back on his heels and allowed Theo to sit up far enough to lean forward and kiss the base of it as his pants fell lower down on his hips.

Fuck. Theo's lips felt so soft and fucking amazing. Every bit as soft and amazing as he'd always thought they would.

His hand twisted tightly into Theo’s hair and he pushed his head forward till his face was crushed into his groin. Theo let out a muffled sound from the force of it, but recovered quickly and began to lap at Scott’s base with his hot slippery tongue barely a moment later.

Scott groaned audibly before he impatiently wrenched his painfully erect length from his pants and jammed the leaking head into Theo’s receptive mouth.

Scott swore as Theo’s lips tightened around him. He pushed the chimera’s head farther down his length, reveling in every inch of tight hot suction he received.

Before he could even think to stop himself, he was gripping the back of Theo’s head with both hands thrusting roughly into his mouth like he never would have done to any of his girlfriends. Scott’s breath shuddered in his lungs as the painful tension that had wound its way through his body finally found the outlet it so desperately needed.

He forced himself to stop when he heard Theo choking from the deep force and it struck him that Theo couldn't really say if it was too much like this, could he?

With no small amount of effort he managed to pull Theo off his cock. Despite his small victory in self control, he felt deeply ashamed of himself when he realized how much he liked the sight of Theo, lips wet and head down gasping for breath below him.

He should slow down. He should go easier on him.

Had Theo ever even been with another guy before? Scott certainly hadn’t...but he wasn’t the one getting a dick rammed down his throat, was he?

“Are you...okay?” Scott asked, but felt foolish a moment later when Theo looked up at him, his eyes alight and challenging.

“What are you serious?” he goaded, his voice raspy and a bit hoarse. “Scott, I thought you said you wanted to get rough. Is that really all an alpha werewolf can do?”

Scott blinked down at him disbelievingly as Theo grazed his lips teasingly up his core.

“Now, are you going to take what you want from this deal, or are you going to pussy around and stop every twelve seconds to ask me if I’m okay? Trust me, I’m fine. I can fucking take it.”

Scott felt something inside him snap and suddenly he found himself wrenching Theo around ripping his pants down his hips.

Was Theo so sure about that?

“Yeah, you think so?” Scott asked as he put his hands on Theo’s shoulder blades and pushed his bare chest down to the floor. He pushed Theo’s thighs apart with his knees and slotted himself

[disregardcanon]

end of the year writing meme: tagging anyone who wants to do this! i’m just bringing it back from last year again 

or: 2017 in fanfiction 

Total Stories Written: 62

Total Words Written:  150k ish  Average Words Per Story: somewhere 3-5k probably  Shortest Story: Skyscraper and Short Stuff at 302  Longest: Jane the Metahuman, my still incomplete the flash/jane the virgin crossover fic at  19,936 

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

less, probably. i had a great fic stall over the summer and the first few months of the school year where i just couldn’t get anything written. also i have a ton of unfinished wips that i can’t apply to my word count.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write most?

i wrote the most for snaibsel and young justice, though i didn’t get caught up on one fandom much  What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

hannibal/brooklyn nine nine crossover fic. enough said Did you take any writing risks this year?

i wrote longer fics and some crossover fics, both of which scare me quite a lot so trying them out really paid off. 

Do you have any fanfic or general writing goals for the new year?

1. post a lot of fics for femslash february. i have a goal of at least 15.

2. write more original fiction.

3. maybe finish that yj season 3 fic i’ve started work on? maybe.

these are the exact same goals as last year omg

From the past year of writing, what was your… Best story of this year: 

you, me and the flash makes three probably. it’s the story that i’n the most proud of in general. i feel like i was able to work within the flash season 1 canon while also tweaking and adding things to make the ot3 work. 

Most popular story of this year: Imagined Infidelity is the most popular on all fronts but bookmarks, which belong to Mantis Prays to Oregon (a far superior fic in my opinion. that one’s of my favorites of the year) 

Personal favorite:

Borrowing Problems from the future was the first real fic i was able to complete in months after my writing drought, so i have a real soft spot for it, especially because it allowed me to explore alex fierro’s character a bit and try to fix a few problems i had with the way their relationship was handled. 

Most under-appreciated: 

i have two for this one, tbh 

the man in yellow in the living room with the knife: this is my flash/pushing daisies crossover which REALLY ends up working but hardly anyone read

The Spark that Will Light the Fire: what if rose tico was a stormtrooper and we actually addressed the stormtrooper issue in tlj? what if???? 

Most fun to write:

Jane the Metahuman. I haven’t worked on it in a while, but it’s always so fun to just slip into the universe where the jane the virgin characters and the flash characters are friends. it’s just so delightfully weird and fun to write. Story with the single sexiest moment:

Blame Me, I Will Wear It hate sex between iris west and a caitlin snow that’s almost kind of herself and almost kind of killer frost, enough said

Most “holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you” story: maybe All Katz Go to Heaven? I didn’t write a lot of fucked up stuff this year, but the idea that every person hannibal lecter has ever murdered ends up in Brooklyn Nine Nine is kind of a fucked up premise for a fic haha

OH WAIT maybe it’s grieving schrodinger’s dad? it puts zatanna zatara into a time loop of the day that her dad becomes doctor fate. 

Most challenging to write:

It was really hard to crank out the second chapter of dead girl walking, especially since i was trying to finish it during my ireland trip. it was a lot of heavy content, a lot of characterization issues, and some action scenes, which aren’t necessarily my strong suit. 

Biggest disappointment: Pushing Irises. it turned out well, but I also had zero motivation to continue it so it’s just a single chapter that ends on a cliff hanger. It might always be a single chapter that ends on a cliff hanger.  Favorite character to write:

this year i really enjoyed writing eleanor shellstrop and cisco ramon. i didn’t write either of them a lot, but whenever i did write them it was a blast. 

Favorite opening lines:

Zatanna crosses her arms over her chest as she leans against Bruce’s black SUV. The “parking lot” at this camp is a glorified field of grass. It rained last night, and there are muddy ruts left all throughout the field and little muddy puddles scattered everywhere. It’s disgusting and rundown and everywhere that Zatanna doesn’t want to spend three weeks of her summer. Endless Summer

Her first memories are of Ego, him cradling her in his arms, tickling her, telling her that he loves her. Her first memories are of him calling her daughter and her calling him dad. Mantis Prays to Oregon

The 99th precinct had a strict, no dating rule. At least, it acquired one the moment Holt showed up. She's pretty sure the old guy wouldn't have cared if they had an orgy in the break room. An Emoji is Worth a Thousand Words

Murder and money are messy businesses. Verger Virtues

The first thing that Rosa thinks when they get to the orchestra hall is that this dressing room will never be clean again. The decor is all bright white except for the places where it’s been stained red by blood. There are a lot of places where it’s been stained red by blood. All Katz Go to Heaven

Favorite closing lines:

Bart's going into uncharted territory. Trying to have friends and a family and be a hero in an era where he's not a slave or even a child soldier. He doesn't know how to go about it, but that's alright. He thinks he can work it out later. How To Fall in Love with Your Mark

“I love my dead gay wife,” Kelly says, hugging tightly, “and I love my dead trans son.” And they laugh, not because it’s funny, really, but because it’s ridiculous and happy. They laugh because somehow life just got so much better. We’re All Dead Here

They may be in the bad place, but they have a freedom now that they’ve never had before. here they are, a tortured academic, a hot rich fraud with legs for days and a selfish ass helping a demon to keep his job, with the help of an idiot DJ and his AI wife. Three hell-bound people just trying to make it in this crazy world, becoming better people and loving each other only after it’s too late.   Eternal Recurrence

"Stop taking your hand?" He asks, and Rey can't tell if he's joking.

"No," Rey says, "don't ever stop."

A Pair of Somebodies

Other favorite lines:

"Romance isn't just for the straights," she says. Pair the Spares

"He's not just a bucket head," Ahsoka says, cracking a grin, "he's the king bucket head." An officer of a notable rank comes up behind them, and stands respectfully to the side.

"No, he's Lord of the bucket heads," Aphra corrects, "you gotta get the title right."

"Lord Buckethead," the officer says with an enormous grin, "your presence is requested on the control deck." Anakin turns towards him, and holds his hand out immediately. The man makes a strangled noise, and he's pulled by the Force.

"Master," Ahsoka says, her voice wobbly. Anakin clenches his fist, and the officer falls to the floor, dead.

"Any more remarks?" Anakin asks. The other officers and troopers on the floor all divert their attention. They got the message: only Ahsoka and Aphra are allowed to tease Darth Vader. Ahsoka feels sick to her stomach. Between the banter and the sex, she had almost forgotten she wasn't supposed to feel at home here. Sympathy for the Devil

Jane Gloriana Villanueva is twenty eight years old. She is a lot of things: a published author, a mother of three, a beloved wife, a local gay icon. She is no longer a virgin. Unless, of course, your definition of virginity requires a penis going into a vagina, then Jane is still a virgin. These are all technicalities and have no bearing on our current story. Jane the Metahuman

Joe, however, had already heard the murmur, and knew that something very wrong was going on. He threw the door open and stormed into the room. Nora Allen, who was dead the last time he looked at her, was sitting up on the morgue table with the bloodstains still prominent on her shirt. the man in yellow in the living room with the knife

“It’s Brandy or the sea, child,” Ego says.

“Brandy,” Zatanna says, exhaling breath,  “I choose Brandy.” That was always going to be her answer. How could it not be, when the choice isn’t even just Brandy? It’s the port. It’s the sailors that it serves. It’s the whisky and the wine, and the whole damn bar,  and- ugh

This is a bullshit metaphor anyway.

The choice Ego offers isn’t between Brandy and the sea. It’s between the sea and the world. It’s not leaving Brandy for adventure, it’s destroying the entire harbor town for Ego’s bullshit god complex. Brandy Beats the Sea

A pile of blue beetles has emerged in the place of Jaime's body, like the Oogie Boogie man without his burlap skin.

Bart screams, and the Jaime figure laughs a laugh that isn't Jaime's as it shifts into something else entirely. The big, muscular Blue Beetle stands before him, maniacal grin plastered on his face.

"You're not Jaime," Bart says. The Beetle laughs, demonic voice over Jaime's.

"Am I?" He says, "you don't know. You won't know until it's too late." A sinking feeling settles in Bart's stomach, like a hush puppy that settled in with a gallon of Mountain Dew and a whole basket of fries.

"You aren't," he says. He wants the words to be true, but he doesn't know . He might be letting his guard down for a traitor to humankind. He might be falling in love with a monster. How to Fall in Love with Your Mark

"I told him I would. I promised that I wouldn't do this." Maybe she does have a problem. Maybe she should see Black Canary, or- or something. She has a chance at normalcy. She doesn't understand why she doesn't want it anymore.

She has a chance for true love and The American Dream, for the kind of life she'd dreamed of as a kid. She has a chance to settle down and be a normal fucking human with a normal marriage to a normal guy who wants a normal sort of happy ending. She doesn't know why she can't be satisfied with that.

Zatanna’s voice is soft and gently as she tells her, "Artemis, if you're supposed to be with him, then you should be able to be yourself with him."

"Are you trying to break up my relationship?" It's a cruel jibe, a reminder of Zatanna's (mainly) unrequited crush and her subsequent rejection. Zatanna barely looks phased.

"Are you?" The words knock the wind out of her. She hadn’t considered that, but now that Zatanna’s put the thought in her head, Artemis can’t stop considering it. At this point, Artemis doesn't know. climbed a mountain and turned around

Will Graham, the bride of Frankenstein and his monster rolled all into one. The Stuffed Dog

It’s destiny. Destiny is an otherworldly Eldritch beast, devouring everything in its path. It eats up all other options, and leaves only one path. It wraps its hideous, shadowy tendrils around her and drags her back into the dark. This is destiny like Ragnarök, fated to happen and rip the world apart.

  mountains out of molehills

“I wanted to find her and run away,” Finn says, “I just didn’t want to be a stormtrooper anymore, Rose. I wanted to run as far away from the First Order as I could, but then I met Rey. So I came back for her. I never signed up for the Resistance. I just want Rey and I to be safe.” Rose feels a twist in her gut. This might be worse than finding out he wanted to desert. This is knowing the reasons behind it, having to see him as human in his mistakes and understand why he made them.

Oh how heroes fall and then stumble back up again.

The Spark that Will Light the Fire

Most telling fic:  international harvester certainly tells you something about my background. also the fact that i, too, want to make out with a girl in a combine