#a life built on the acceptance from others makes for shaky foundations

[softbean]

everything she deserves 🌼

[bwhitex]

Dating Authentically: Embracing Yourself Without Apologies

In the world of modern dating, we are often confronted with a myriad of "dos and don'ts" that can make navigating romantic relationships feel like walking through a minefield. From playing hard to get, to presenting a polished version of ourselves on social media, the pressure to conform to societal standards of attractiveness and desirability is immense. But what if the key to successful dating isn't about moulding ourselves into a 'perfect' partner but rather, about embracing our true selves, flaws and all? In this blog, we'll delve into why being authentic is crucial in dating and how psychological principles support this approach.

The Psychology of Authenticity

Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology, taught us about the importance of being genuine. He argued that for personal growth, we must have an environment that provides us with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood). When these conditions are present, individuals can develop a greater capacity to accept themselves and understand their feelings, which is a cornerstone of meaningful relationships.

In dating, this means showing up as our true selves. The façade of being who we think our date wants us to be can only lead to relationships built on shaky foundations. It's like constructing a building on sand—eventually, the truth will come out, and things may crumble.

Self-Compassion: Your Dating Superpower

Dr. Kristin Neff's research on self-compassion also provides insight into dating authentically. By treating ourselves with kindness, acknowledging our common humanity, and being mindful of our imperfections, we set the stage for healthier and more honest relationships. Dating with self-compassion means we don't beat ourselves up after a date that didn't go well or obsess over our faults.

When we date with self-compassion, we're less likely to tolerate bad behavior from others because we know we deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. We also apologize less for being ourselves—whether that means owning our quirky laugh or not hiding our love for geeky hobbies.

The Detriment of the Apology

In many dating scenarios, there's an underlying pressure to apologize for our preferences, opinions, and even our personality traits. This is where we need to draw a line. Apologizing for being late to a date is considerate, but apologizing for your taste in music, your career choice, or your sense of humor is unnecessary and counterproductive. It undermines your self-worth and sends a message that you're not confident in who you are.

The truth is, a partner that's truly compatible with you will appreciate your idiosyncrasies and the unique blend of traits that make you, you. They won't want your apologies; they'll want your authenticity.

Embracing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is another concept that's crucial in dating. Dr. Brené Brown's research has shown us that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but a profound strength. When we allow ourselves to be seen, truly seen, we open the door to real connection.

In the context of dating, this means having the courage to express our feelings, desires, and fears. It's about being honest about what we're looking for in a relationship, whether it's something casual or a life-long partnership. It's about having the difficult conversations about values, boundaries, and needs.

Conclusion: The Unapologetic Path to Love

The path to love should not be paved with apologies for our very essence. While compromise is a necessary part of any relationship, it should never involve compromising on being yourself. As we navigate the dating world, let's remember the words of Carl Rogers and the importance of being in an environment that allows us to be our true selves.

So, go on that date. Be unapologetically you. Laugh too loudly, share your love for obscure indie films, and talk about your dreams and passions. The right person will adore you for it, and you'll be building a relationship on the solid ground of authenticity.

Remember, in the grand scheme of your love story, the most important person to fall in love with first is you. When you do that, you won't feel the need to apologize for being who you are—and that's when you'll attract someone who loves you for you.

[park-ranger-is-my-comfort-animal]

Describe an NPC who is important to your character's story. Is this person still a part of your character's life? What are your character's feelings towards them? Have those feelings shifted, or have they always been constant?

// META

Jerry was about six years old when he was found by a Park Ranger in the snow covered forest, alone and freezing. The Bugbear Clan in which Jerry grew up had never used a spoken language, so he was largely non-verbal at first and it took almost two years before his adoptive parents thought he was fluent enough to start school.

Even though he could now communicate, Jerry was still a very quiet child and, despite his natural size, preferred to read alone rather than spend time playing sports or games with the other children. Unfortunately, this only made him a target for the bullies, until another kid stepped in.

Matthew Wheeler was as tall as Jerry, but thin like a beanpole with an unruly mop of curly ginger hair and a smile that showed more teeth than were entirely necessary. Matthew also liked to talk - a lot. He could talk himself out of trouble almost as quickly as he could talk himself into it, and 'Gabby' Wheeler had decided that Jerry was going to be his new best friend.

They made a strange pair as they hung out together; one broad and silent, the other slim with a constant stream of consciousness issuing from his mouth. The two boys spent all their time together over the next few years - camping out in the forest, pretending to be pirates, building dens and having adventures. Jerry learned more about what it meant to be human from Gabby than from anyone else in his young life. They became closer than brothers, more than family... There was a love there that neither of them really understood or fully acknowledged, but it was real and they cherished it.

For Jerry, those years were the happiest he'd ever known. He felt accepted, seen and even loved. Until he learned that Gabby was leaving.

His parent's were getting a divorce and Gabby's mom, who had custody, was moving them to Seattle. The boy's had hugged, they'd shouted, they'd cried. They promised not to lose touch and would write every other day.

But the promises of grief are built on shaky foundations. At the start, letters were sent, books were exchanged, everything was good between them. Over time, almost inevitably, the river of words between them became a stream... became a trickle... dried up.

Life moved on. Jerry followed his father and became a Park Ranger, making the decision that he would never again leave Wicked's Rest.

But at least he'd be easy to find if anyone cared enough to look.

[sk-lumen]

My Top Glow Up Tips

Do it for you; not because of revenge glow up, not because you want them to regret losing you or any such reason. Do it for yourself because you're worth it.

It takes time to go from point A to point B and that's okay. Don't expect change overnight.

Remissions are normal. Falling off track is normal, you're only human. The important thing is you realize this, hold yourself accountable, and then get back up again.

Consistency and determination are more important than motivation, which is just a temporary solution to help you get started.

Know when to accept help, levelling up is not a journey you need to do alone.

Be strategic about your level up journey. Create a plan, divide it into sections, then take it step by step. You can't tackle all areas at once.

Every now and then, pause to celebrate your growth and congratulate yourself for all the hard work.

Glowing up is not just a summer marathon (even though it can be, if that's all you need); it's a lifestyle and a lifelong mindset.

Don't mind how other people are levelling up. The only person you should compare yourself with is your past self.

True growth, when done right, includes discomfort. To admit your vices, your shortcomings. Holding yourself accountable. Choosing what is uncomfortable short-term, but which will be beneficial long-term. Stepping out of your comfort zone. Applying for a new job, changing your look, improving your mindset drastically. All of these things may feel challenging at first, simply because they're unfamiliar. Push through anyway.

Don't go broke trying to look rich.

The power of money is not in the products you buy, but the potential it has. Focus on the smart potential, not just in the flashy things which give you a rush.

A holistic glow up includes improving your mindset regarding finances, and financial literacy. Abundance mindset > scarcity mindset. Everybody can win > why do they win and I don't. If they succeeded, I can too > why did they succeed and I didn't.

You don't need a fortune in order to substantially improve your life. Your best resource is knowledge, the internet, and your mind. There are free ebooks, free articles, free videos online on every subject you can think of. If you're at the beginning, start there, and only afterwards start investing in more costly resources like courses, coaching/mentorships, etc.

Never underestimate the power of gratitude journaling, positive affirmations, moodboards, and meditation. The key here is the Law of Attraction. Understand the simple principle of what you focus over = what you empower with energy = what manifests next in your reality. A crystal-clear vision of your ideal life has greater chance of becoming reality than a vague idea of "something better" that you never actually define.

The most important foundation for leveling up your life will always start with your mindset. Until you have a solid foundation of an abundance mindset, confidence, self-worth, and awareness of "I'm worth it" and "I can and I will", everything else will be built on shaky ground and liable to fall apart.

Everybody's journey is different, because everyone is different. Respect this truth and avoid casting judgement on seeing other people's attempts in glowing up, even if you think they're doing it wrong. Instead, be gracious and admire them for their dedication; either offer them guidance, or allow them to walk their own path.

Less is more. When in doubt, remember that simple is better, and minimal is more classy (ex. a classic watch and simple necklace is always better than 10 jewelry items piled on to look expensive).

You don't need the most expensive everything in order to look classy. You just need to look like you take care of your body, and wear quality items that look put together. They can be thrifted, on sale, inherited or whatever else, it doesn't matter; as long as they're in good condition with a cut and color that flatters you, you will look elegant.

For emotional and mental level up, don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist/specialist. It is their job to help you work through any traumas, fears, challenges, childhood memories, etc. It really is okay, there's nothing taboo or strange about seeking professional help. It is one of the best investments you can make for your mental health. Talking about your inner world, your experiences and off-loading should be made into a frequent habit as it is healthy and necessary for your overall wellbeing. And sometimes, the support of family and friends is not enough.

Don't get blinded by the polemics of "high value", "high caliber", etc. You will find as many definitions as there are people speaking of it. Being of high value simply means that you continuously invest in your happiness, health, education and self-development. It is not about some convoluted perception that other people have of what is a classy woman. Read more

[linkspooky]

Yuji, Alone. 

I have been saying in my past few meta that Yuji has a really unhealthy way of viewing both himself, and his relationships with others. Yuji is excellent at reading the feelings of others and empathizing with them, and at the same time terrible at processing his own emotions, a trait he shares with Geto who he is once again paralleling this chapter by choosing to stew in isolation rather than reach out for support. 

Chapter 138 does an excellent job of showing how deep these issues run, which I will explain under the cut. 

1. Yuji and Geto

If I were to explain the unhealthy mindset Yuji has by simplifying it down to one sentenence, simply stated it would be “I want to help others, but I don’t want to accept help from other people.” 

Both Yuji and Geto are so motivated by empathy they feel like they are responsible for solving other people’s problems, and they often use other people rather than themselves as a reason to move. They’re actually selfless to a fault. In that, it’s a problem in their behavior. They do everything they do for other peope, so they have no idea what they themselves want. If Gojo is someone who has a strong self image, a strong set of beliefs, an idea of what he wants to do to the world, Geto and Yuji are people who try not to think about themselves at all. 

Not only does Yuji almost never critically exam his own motivations, but he also doesn’t think of his relationships with other people. 

This is something Yaga pointed out as a danger with Yuji’s way of going about things, all the way at the beginning of his arc. If you’re doing it because your grandpa told you so, then is it really something you want to do? When you die, is it going to be your grandpa’s fault too?

Yuji is someone who seems selfless on the surface, and to an extent he is, but just like Geto that’s not all there is to him. It’s something Gojo called out early on, Geto presented himself as someone selfless, motivated entirely by using his powers to protect others, but he was also doing so self righteously. 

To clarify what I mean by self righteous, Geto believed that he was doing something because it was the objective right thing to do, but actually it was just his own personal feelings. That’s why after Riko’s death forced him to critically examine himself, he realized he didn’t want to follow the rules of Jujutsu Society. 

Both Yuji and Geto pay attention to others, but also have the blinders on in regards to themselves, and that’s the parallel right there. Yuji says he is doing these things for other people, that his number one priority is to save them but that motivation is even deconstructed in the third chapter.

Yuji’s not actually doing this for purely altruistic reasons, but for selfish ones. He wanted to do something that nobody else could do. Yuji’s life was like a vaccuum before this point. He didn’t have any real friends, or anything he wanted to do. Suddenly he had a purpose basically gift wrapped and handed to him on his lap. 

Basically, Yuji and Geto both have this schewed way of seeing other people. They thing other people exist to validate their own existences. 

To put it simply. If Hidden Inventory Geto helps weak people than he’s valid. If Yuji helps people, then he’s valid. 

Not only is the way they view themselves built around how they help other people, but at the same time all of their relationships are built up on this as well. Relationships that are built upon shaky foundations will crumble apart easily when tested. 

Geto’s most important relationship was with Gojo, they had an intense chemistry and interaction with one another like they were made for each other. They were both good at naturally balancing each other out, Geto was the one who stood up to Gojo and acted like a tether, and Gojo ackonwledged Geto as his one and only. 

However, the relationship was also built on the idea that Gojo needed Geto. Geto was only able to view his relationships with other people in that way. Geto, wants to take care of people, wants to help people. However, eventually, he was left behind by Gojo who no longer needed him as a partner in combat. On top of that, Geto awoke to a higher purpose in ridding the world of cursed energy. Geto wants to be needed by somebody in the same sense that Yuji does, so for Geto at least being needed to save the whole world in his eyes, was just more important than maintaining his relationship with Gojo. 

Which is why both Geto and Yuji’s relationships fall apart. They are great at making relationshisps, but not at maintaining them. Attention is drawn to the fact that the trio has great chemistry with each other and get along well, but they’re also terrible at communicating with each other. 

"The seats... in my life... How should I put this? I don't want my heart to be affected by people who don't have a place there. Does that sound cold? Well, I guess there are also guys like you who brings their own chair and takes a seat." Translation by Miho.

Almost literally, I don’t want anyone who’s not a part of my life to try to talk to me or tell me what to do. Also the reference that Yuji is kind of different because Yuji just kind of walked into her life unannounced and invited himself there (this is how Yuji forms relationships with everyone.)

All three of them go behind each other’s backs and keep secrets from one another. All three of them avoid direct confrontation, Nobara even says she doesn’t really want anyone else even trying to tell her how to live her life. The Origin of Obedience arc shows that Nobara, Yuji and Megumi are all good at fighting together as a team, but also questioning if they have a healthy friendship outside of that?

Any relationship takes work, confrontation, arguments and even just plain old talking about things. However, someone who is primarily insecure in their relationships will not be able to do things.  Couples shouldn’t only argue, but couples who never argue is just as unhealthy. If you are so afraid that one argument is going to end a relationship, then your relationship was fragile to begin with. 

Yuji and Geto experience conditional relatinoships. In the sense that, they are only allowed to have friends, if they are helpful to those friends. They themselves are never allowed to ask for help. It’s true that Gojo was kind of blind to Geto’s faults, but also Geto would have never asked for help. Gojo could not see, and Geto deliberately hid things from them. 

Geto always makes his relationships on the condition that he is needed. When Gojo grew more independent, Geto took that as a sign that Gojo didn’t need him anymore and deliberately started to pull away.

Because, Geto isn’t ever allowed to be the one who needs someone else. 

2. Avoidant Attachment

This is just a personal theory of mine, but I think Yuji’s issues might even center around the psychological idea of attachment theory. Especially it’s since deliberately mentioned to Junpei, that Yuji never met his mother. 

Attachment theory is a complex idea, but basically it states that attachment to other people, that is the idea to form healthy relationships with family members, friends, romantic partners is learned instead of naturally present in us. It’s a skill people develop in their formative years. 

Those who show patterns of problematic attachment in childhood will continue the behavior into adulthood unless it’s corrected, because attachment is a skill that’s developed the same as anything else. Of the four categories, Yuji and Geto most resemble this one. 

Avoidant attachment: Children with an avoidant attachment tend to avoid parents or caregivers, showing no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger. This attachment style might be a result of abusive or neglectful caregivers. Children who are punished for relying on a caregiver will learn to avoid seeking help in the future.

Which goes further to explain how they can be so empathic towards other people, and yet the same time completely unable to maintain close relationships with them. It’s because, they avoid people at the same time. They don’t seek out help when they need it, because, deep down they view themselves as unworthy of the help. 

Geto did not immediately break after the trauma of losing Riko, it was the year of isolation after that where he slowly was consumed by his regrets. Geto got worse and worse over a period of time because he couldn’t handle his trauma in any healthy way, until he just completely snapped. 

During that time he asked himself the same questions over and over again, but Geto wasn’t able to find any kind of healthy answer to his questions because, he didn’t reach out for anybody. It wasn’t just the trauma, it was the behavior after the trauma, the decision to isolate himself for over a year. No one does well in isolation. You need other people to grow or develop. If anything Geto stagnated. Geto’s central flaw was his self-righteousness. Rather than realizing he was wrong and trying to change this flaw of his, he just doubles down and becomes even more self righteous. He goes from believing he’s responsible for protecting all the weak people, to believing he’s a superior being tasked with eliminating all the weak people in the world. So, it’s not really that Geto changed, moreso that he stagnated because he cut off all his relationships with other people. 

And isn’t Yuji doing the exact same thing right now? Yaga even points out this similaritiy between Geto and Yuji, that they try to carry every regret and burden they have on their own. 

It’s not out of selflessness that they do this though, but rather insecurity. Geto didn’t come to Gojo with his problems, because he wanted to be the strongest alongside Gojo he didn’t want to be weak. He was deliberately avoiding Gojo. 

I think it’s important to establish that Yuji wasn’t abandoned by his friends this chapter. Yuji is alone, because he chose to be alone. He’s alone because he’s avoiding both of his friends, because he’s so, so afraid the friendship will end because it’s based entirely on the condition that he be a helpful, good person.

It’s true that Yuji is genuinely worried about his friends getting hurt because of him, but look at his choices. He’s not really tackling the problem in a healthy way. He’s doing everything he can to avoid the problem, isolating himself, and just trying not to think about things. He could try to talk with Megumi and find a solution, but he’s not doing that because he’s insecure in his attachment to others. 

I think his reaction to Choso pretty clearly illustrates this too. Yuji isn’t around his friends because he doesn’t want to be around them. Which is tragic, because Yuji is holding himself responsible for the mass murder which isn’t really his fault. However, Yuji saw his relationship with both Nobara and Megumi as conditional to begin with. He can only be friends with people he can help, and he can never receive help from them. It’s unhealthy to start with because relationships go both ways. Yuji is also, completely unresponsive to Choso.

Yes. Choso suddenly walking to him and delcaring them brothers is really weird.  I don’t expect Yuji to just suddenly start getting along with him right away.

At the same time, Choso explains what the unconditional love between family is between Yuji, and Yuji just doesn’t get it, because he either hasn’t experienced enough of it, or his grandpa the only person that ever unconditionally loved him is gone. Yuji can’t understand Megumi’s love for him is unconditional,. because from the beginning he sees all relationships as conditional. 

Yuji and Choso are facing opposite direcitons because they’re opposites. Choso is willing to hurt complete strangers too, but his love for his family is unconditional and he will do anything for them. Yuji will help complete strangers, but, he doesn’t really understand unconditional love, and even his love with his closest friends has a few conditions. 

Which is why someone who appears on the surface as such a friendly guy who makes friends everywhere he goes, can call himself “a loner” because in Yuji’s mind he is. He doesn’t have friends, he has people who need him. 

Which is just incredibly sad because Yuji doesn’t understand this. Yuji isolates himself thinking he’s doing it for the sake of his friends, but neither Megumi nor Nobara would want him to be alone. 

[thnxforknowingme]

just thinking about how Blaine Anderson so desperately craves love and attention and validation from other people. And in Kurt, he finally finds someone who loves him in a way no one else ever has. But Kurt, at the start of S3, isn't Blaine's whole life - he still has his friends at Dalton, and this is the excuse he gives when Kurt asks him to transfer. I don't think Kurt is to blame for this - he's a myopic teenager with only the best intentions. He loves his boyfriend and wants to spend more time with him than going to school so far apart allows (not that glee has ever paid attention to real-world geography, but whatever). But from Blaine's perspective, his boyfriend is asking him to choose - Dalton, or me? The Warblers, or me? It's not an ultimatum by any means, but maybe Blaine worries it could someday become one.

So he leaves behind the school where he finally found a home, where he was given so much attention and admiration, where he felt not just accepted but venerated. He tells Kurt, "I'm doing this for me, because I can't stand to be apart from the person I love." And that's true - he's doing it for himself because for maybe the first time in his life he's someone's top priority, and he can't stand the idea of letting that slip through his fingers.

And then, a few months later, the Warblers utterly betray him. What starts out as pretty standard overdramatic show choir rivalry turns violent. We don't know, ultimately, how many of the Warblers knew exactly what Sebastian's plan was - did he tell anyone else about the rock salt? - but what we do know is that Blaine's former teammates and friends saw him lying on the ground, crying out in pain, and they walked away from him.

This only reinforces Blaine's idea that others, even those he cares about, will either hurt him or leave him - he'd tried being nice to Sebastian, maintaining that connection to Dalton and the Warblers, and this is what he gets in return. He's pushed away from the social bonds he built at Dalton, and Kurt becomes even more the focus of his life.

So then we have DWS, and the lead-up to it - Blaine realizes that Kurt will soon be leaving him, in distance if not in affection, and he doesn't know how to cope with the fact that he's built his life on a shaky foundation. He pulls away, and that makes Kurt feels awful, and that makes Kurt seek attention elsewhere, and it all goes to shit. Kurt continues to reassure him throughout S3 that they won't fall apart, that even over a distance their relationship will be strong. But then when Kurt is in New York, he's busy. And it's not just the lack of time or physical closeness - it's the fact that Kurt is building an adult life, he's making new connections with others and prioritizing his own growth. Blaine is not the center of his world - but he is absolutely the center of Blaine's. Blaine once again feels that someone else's love for him is conditional, that when it becomes inconvenient for someone else, they will always abandon him. He changed his whole life to chase after Kurt's attention and love - Kurt won't do the same for him (because Kurt has a much healthier attitude towards relationships and love in general).

So Blaine, a lonely and panicked myopic teenager, seeks attention elsewhere.

[jeanandthedreamofhorses]

The Aesthetics of Heroism

What is morality but a pretty picture?

Yelena fabricated her past to make herself look special in the annals of history. Through this conscious deceit she makes explicit what the other members of the alliance have been doing on an unconscious level. The morality of nearly everyone in this series has been based on gaining approval from others.

In other words, to look good. In other words, aesthetics.

The panels focus on Connie, Reiner and Gabi because they are the ones who have had to face the fragile foundations of their beliefs most painfully.

Connie joined the military to make his village appreciate him, and eventually came to understand that the kind of person his mother wanted him to be is more important than any praise he might receive from her.

Reiner wanted to become a hero so his mother would be proud of him, his father would accept him, and, after being humiliated repeatedly in the Cadets, everyone would respect him.

Upon realising the weight of his crimes, he becomes suicidal with guilt that he committed genocide for such childish reasons.

Gabi joined the Cadets so she could make a performative act of redemption and be accepted in her society, but became penitent when she realised the consequences of her actions.

The others, however, are not free of this sin: they simply have not looked it in the eye.

Yelena might argue that:

Mikasa felt valuable only in her ability to care for Eren, and this was her reason for joining the Corps. The source of her value rested in him.

Armin’s desire to see the outside world was not a matter of seeking approval, but then, that was never his moral calling. The moral calling that made him join the Corps was to prove to Eren and Mikasa that he’s not just a burden.

Jean joined the Corps to live up to Marco’s evaluation of him, i.e. to gain his posthumous approval. Likewise, he is now driven to act by Marco’s judging eyes.

Levi’s primary motivation is to carry out the wishes of the fallen in their stead. The reason he places this burden on himself? Guilt that humanity’s strongest soldier couldn’t protect them. He wants to redeem himself in their dead eyes.

Hange is similarly acting under the pressure of their dead comrades, even while they would rather run away from it all.

Annie became dedicated to the Warrior cause for the sake of returning to her father, the person whose approval she cherishes the most.

Pieck became dedicated to the Warrior cause because of how deeply she values the bonds between comrades.

As for Magath, we don’t know enough about him to decisively judge. However, based on this:

I would suggest that Magath and Marleyans on the whole feel compelled by their dead ancestors to despise the race who persecuted them. 

Falco’s case is especially interesting, but we shall get to that later. For now, what’s worth noting is that the value systems followed by these characters have all been fuelled by that recognisable, pathetic and all-too-human drive for one’s life to mean something in the eyes of others. The latest push of these characters to save the world is, in Yelena’s eyes, just another way to seek approval from an abstract audience: to be justified in the eyes of history, like she wanted, whether in the generations of the future or in the ghosts of the past.

If traditional morality is built off such a pleading basis, then its adherents are merely slaves to others. It is very fitting, then, that the character they have all allied against is the one who hates slaves above all else.

Eren was once such a slave. He realised how much he wanted to be acknowledged as special in the Uprising Arc, laughed at and underestimated as he was as a child, lonely as he was after losing his parents.

It is an illusion he thoroughly discarded. Freeing himself from those bonds, he can now follow the course of his own will unfettered by concern for others’ approval - unfettered by morality. He is willing to be the villain.

Yet in the eyes of many citizens of Paradis, Eren is a hero.

This, however, is largely incidental for Eren. He has made it very clear that his comrades in the 104th matter more to him than anyone else - if it were approval he were looking for, he would never trade theirs for the likes of Floch’s. 

Rather, Eren has come to realise how fragile, aesthetic and ultimately meaningless morality is. If one follows the course of their will one is bound to be called hero by some and villain by others. Eren thus strives beyond good and evil into a new realm of his freedom - willing to be despised and never forgiven even by the people he loves most.

It is at this point we can return to Falco. Eren sees himself in Falco during his stay in Marley. 

Falco is willing to earn Gabi’s hatred in order to protect her by stealing the thing she wants most. In this way, even though it is for the sake of another person, he is still following his own will and is not acting out of the desire for approval. 

Just so does Eren act for his friends’ sake because he loves them, and not because he wants them to view him in a certain light.

If what we have discovered so far is true, then Yelena’s analysis is accurate. This alliance is not a demonstration of humanity’s nobility, but its vulnerability: a collection of broken people hopelessly thirsting for validation. For that, and that alone, seems to be the fundamental basis of morality.

Here, the metafictional aspect comes to light. The coming together of enemies to defeat a common, greater enemy is a classic trope in uplifting stories about mankind’s capacity to understand one another. Yelena exposes how the alliance are simply telling themselves this sweet story to regain a sense of worth; to believe everything up to now has been worth it; to believe they can be redeemed.

But the real story that they’re in has always been sceptical of this trope - at least in the eyes of Eren, who disdains the morals of subservience.

This kind of storytelling-based morality is apparent in our own experience of the series. 

Who we deem good and evil at the start is based entirely on the narrative established by the Paradisians, as we are only allowed access into their heads. But when we come round to the start of the Marley Arc, we are presented with a very different picture of things: our heroes are the spunky Gabi and the cautious Falco, fighting against Eldian devils to redeem the sins of their people. 

Nothing has changed except the perspective. When morality is this subjective, how can it make any claim to truth? How can we make any decisions based on such a shaky, unsubstantiated premise?

Yet despite all this, it is Eren’s amoral actions which will lead to the annihilation of the vast majority of humanity. Morality may therefore be a necessary yoke. Only, this conclusion is problematised by the fact that everything that has happened since the collapse of the Eldian Empire - that is to say, everything that pushed Eren into this situation - were decisions based on moral judgements.

Now we enter into the series’ most testing paradox: that the world which was doomed by moral decisions can only be saved by moral decisions. 

Whither shall we fly? Outside of morality, or back into it? Is it our shelter or our prison, our curse or our salvation? Or perhaps the paradox means that this entire discussion is essentially meaningless - for humanity’s good or ill, there is no escaping morality. We ineluctably return to it, begging for the antidote for its own venom; and so the cycle of historical mistakes continues to revolve, unbroken.

Who, then, can say that we are free?

[thedistrictroleplay]

ID:

Name | Nickname | Age:  Katherine Beckett | Kat |  28 Birthday | Astrology:  March 21, 1993 | Aries sun, Pisces moon, Scorpio rising Pronouns | Sexual identity:  She/her | Pansexual Birthplace | Raised:  San Diego, CA  Residence:  Brookland Occupation: Dance teacher with a side hustle selling Art on Etsy  Faceclaim: Danielle Campbell

TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug abuse tw, infidelity tw, narcissistic parent tw, injury tw, overdose tw 

TIMELINE: 

1860s- The founding of Hawthorne wine in Northern California

1981- Dottie married David and pays for his medical school

May 1991- Older sister Briar Rose is born 

April 1992- Older sister Evie is born

March 21, 1993- Katherine is born in San Diego, California @ 9 pm

1996- Enrolled in Ballet and started doing child pageants 

2008- Wins Miss Teen International at fifteen

2010- Has her Debutante coming out ball 

2011- Is accepted into San Francisco Ballet Company 

2013- She has a massive fight with her mom and O.D.s (survives)

2014- Finishes rehab and skips out on being picked up by her parents and runs away to DC

2015- Kat joins the Washington Ballet 

2018- An injury puts an end to Kat's career in Ballet, she's gifted Baby as a consolation for her ended career

2019- Moves in with her "casual" fling and starts working on new avenues for her life and career. Still has a terse, basically non-existent relationship with her parents

2020- "Casual fling" proposes, and she bounces and gets her own place with roommates

2021- Has her own dance studio and sells art on Etsy.

BIOGRAPHY:  

Katherine Vivienne Beckett was born to be perfect. Failure was not in the realm of possibilities for the youngest Beckett child. It was never even mentioned outside of being a non-starter. Her mother, Dottie, was from old money, the heiress to the Harlow wine company. Dottie had antiquated, regal if not conservative values that she fought hard, perhaps too hard to instill in her daughters. Her own drive for perfection and success bled into the foundation of her relationship with Kat. Thus from an early age, Kat associated success and praise with love. Any deviation from the absolute best was a failure. Her father, David, was absent. At best and at worst, he wore disinterest and pretense like a coat he never took off. A serial cheater who was never home, Kat was left putting all of her external needs for parental approval on her mother.

Lack of praise left her with the fear that the love was gone, and Kat developed a sickening need for perfection. A child beauty queen who was never satisfied. No matter the number of titles or crowns, she won no matter the talents she mastered. And talented she was. Gifted in languages, piano, singing, painting, sculpting, and best of all, ballet Kat was the master of her gifts. She curated them under the best instructors money could buy. Her mother encouraged these things, her unrelenting press for the perfect socialites for daughters often putting her and Kat at odds. Kat often excused her toxic behavior as tough love and fell back into the cycle of practice, perform, praise, repeat. Eventually, her success didn't even seem to impress her mother, and Kat was facing a terrible case of burnout.

She was exhausted, sixteen years old and already she felt spent. All of her best years seemed to be drifting behind her, more bitter than sweet Kat felt at odds with herself and who she was meant to be. All the certainty she had in life was her desire to please the people she loved, so Kat continued to do what her mother instructed. After her elder sister moved out, Dottie had even more time to pick a part Kat, push her and curate her into everything Dottie insisted a young woman was supposed to be. With her father often traveling for "work," it was just Kat and Dottie inside the house. There was no reprieve then, only expectations that often looked like Dottie waking Kat before dawn for morning runs followed by extra ballet practice until late morning. Kat could barely stand it any longer. She had no idea who she was or what she wanted.

Quietly, she began to rebel. She was sneaking away to parties, joy riding at three a.m, sleeping with anyone and everyone. She was looking for freedom and feeling, and eventually, she found it the form of illicit drugs. The euphoria of being high was unparalleled to anything she'd felt before. Combine that with the ability to work harder and longer, and Kat was sold, hook, line and sinker. The drug abuse and rebelling continued for years, even after Kat was accepted into her first Ballet company at eighteen in San Francisco. She kept her addiction tightly wrapped for two years, worked long hours, and outperformed the girls below her and even a few senior performers. The shining moment of her young career was when she was given the role of The Sleeping Beauty in the ballet of the same title.

Kat spent most of her waking hours practicing for her upcoming role. She was stunning, acclaimed in her part as Aurora. It was the first time in years she'd felt happiness that wasn't an artificial sort. Sadly, it was short-lived. Dottie attended the closing show, leaving before the final number didn't go unnoticed by Kat. Her emotions were shaky, and her performance less than her best. The disappointment was personal. She felt feral. Confronting her mother, she discovered Dottie had left early to make dinner plans with a college friend. Arguably the most prominent moment in Kat's life, she had left for dinner, a dinner she was early for; Kat exploded. Twenty years of pent-up sadness, anger, and disappointment accumulated into a vicious and aggressive fight between mother and daughter. The argument came to an end when in a rare moment of transparency, Dottie told Kat she had never wanted her in the first place.

Kat kicked her mother out of her apartment and spent the night partying when she went too hard and overdosed on a nearly lethal amount of concoction of party drugs. Kat's so-called friends dumped her at the emergency room, none sticking around to ensure she was okay. Thankfully, Kat survived, but her entire life had felt like it had been ripped away when Kat woke up. No longer was she on the way to becoming a prima ballerina, but she was in a rehab facility. It was the most excellent form of rehab, luxury, and resort-like in many ways, but it was ultimately still rehab. Kat spent a year as a resident of Harmony Place rehab in Malibu, California. Her parents informed her, stay or lose all her inheritance. Already having lost her job and life in San Francisco, Kat obliged. The year was not a lost one but one of personal growth and therapy. Finally, the fog she had been living under lifted, and Kat knew what she had to do.

Once her stay at Harmony Place ended, Kat did not return home like was expected. Instead, Kat took a bus to the countries Capitol, where she spent a couple of weeks couch surfing before going to her sister looking for the family she had always craved. A year later, Kat found herself a new therapist and a new ballet company to work with. Her life didn't feel as over as it once had, and there was hope for her future here, brighter than she had ever anticipated before. Unfortunately, three years of performing was all Kat had left when a tragic accident ended her professional career. A snapped Achilles tendon. A pop heard all throughout the theater was the last sound of her career. Over a year of Physical therapy and one surgery later, Kat knew the ballet world knew she'd never dance professionally again.

In the aftermath, Kat got the best gift ever in the form of a small black Doberman puppy she affectionately named Baby. During all her new downtime, Kat spent the time painting and sculpting. She was finding the art to be therapeutic and aid in keeping her from a relapse that some days felt inevitable. While her art sold well on Etsy, Kat could not keep things going independently and moved in with a casual fling Kat felt closer to as a friend. However, it seemed she had misinterpreted the depth of their affection. A realization that came when they produced a ring and a question Kat had only one answer for; no. Kat moved to Brookland, taking an apartment with roommates rather than marrying someone she didn't see a future with; she was no stranger to starting over.

Kat now spends her time creating original pieces for her Etsy store, Kat's meow. While her professional ballerina career has ended, Kat has not given up on dance. Instead, Kat resumed tentative communication with her parents if only to receive her inheritance. The money was used to buy the space for her own studio where Kat teaches ballet to all ages and private Burlesque classes for adults once a week. In between, Kat attends therapy and meetings with her sponsor. She is unlearning the toxic parts of her childhood and finding ways to honor her passions without losing herself. Some days the struggle is more complex than others. Rome was also built on ruins.

Kat is written by L.

[thegildedraven]

astral spaces & homes

This post contains a fair amount of UPG.

what is an astral home?

an astral home can be anything really, anything that you can imagine and create in the astral. it can be a large mansion, it can be an apartment building, it can be a cave, it can be a treehouse, really the only limits are your own creativity and the amount of energy spent into building it up. it is a place where you can call your own, basically a home, or even a headquarters or base of operations if you wanna call it that (plus, it sounds cooler).

why build an astral home?

astral homes are the starting point in the astral for a lot of travellers, or it is a safe place for resting, recharging, storage, and practising magic or other forms of astral work. it can be the first place you are in when you step into the astral, and can help get you accustomed to crossing over before fully venturing out into other parts of the astral. it can also be the place you return you when you’re done exploring or running astral errands and just want to unwind. or it can be a safe place for if you want to leave your astral self somewhere without dangers or worrying about getting lost.

for me, my astral home is my jump point and a place to unwind and perform magic. my astral home is anchored to my bedroom door, so to get there I open the astral version of my bedroom door. it is the first place I go to when I astral travel, and it is where I perform all my magic and create new stuff in the astral.

speaking of astral creation, creating astral objects would be easiest in a space that you built up yourself. here, the energy will be easier to manipulate and you are able to change and edit and build existing or new things with greater control and ease. compared to creating something in an astral realm that already exists where the energetical foundations are more solidified, you are more familiar with your own space the energetic components of the space.

if you’re a closeted witch, performing spellwork or rituals in the astral would probably be a more viable way for you to do witchcraft. an astral home would let you do that safely and store all the resources you need for that.

how do I protect my astral home or keep anyone from coming in?

wards. wards wards wards. layers upon layers of wards. you really have to take into account how you’re going to maintain these wards and what kind of wards you’re going to need and how you’re going to power these wards. if you don’t want your astral space to be found completely, use a cloaking ward or just layer up the wards to prevent entry. ensure that your wards are able to cover your entire astral space, even as you expand it. 

here is a comprehensive post on ward ideas that you can use to protect your astral space, but I can do a brief overview of how I ward.

astral warding is very energetical, so I use the help of sigils, energy tethers, and surrounding energy to power my wards. something that I do is putting a sigil somewhere where it can be constantly charged by a source of energy, and then I go into the astral and etch this sigil into the specific wards I want to be powered by the energy, then form a connection or a tether between them. for example, I would put an air sigil somewhere high up where it’s windier and then put the same sigil on an anti-teleportation ward. then I will connect the two sigils and use the energy from that connection to program the ward.

how to build an astral home

here is a really helpful and informative post from @fox-sprt that covers how to make your own astral space. I’m not going to dwell into basics, but I shall cover some tips on this whole process.

have a blueprint or a plan before you start building [use drawings, documents, Pinterest boards, mood boards, playlists, etc. whatever helps the creative process]

it’s better to have a solid idea of what you want your space to be like before you actually start building it or else you might run into a whole bunch of complications and confusing times

the more time you spend in your astral space or thinking or visualizing it will help to solidify the details and basically set a stable foundation 

you can sit down in your astral home and set some time aside to just visualize and set in the texture and appearance of a specific detail [e.g. how would this grass feel? soft? like a carpet? is it green? decide and input it into the building process]

it’s okay to take a long time just to build a small part, or to build it up one small part at a time, everyone has a different working pace, it’s okay.

what can I put in my astral home?

anything, really! just make sure that you’re able to maintain and ensure that all these features are able to fit into your home.

Some ideas would be:

a main space for meditation or ritual work or creation

a garden where you can grow astral plants for food or trade

a place to rest or sleep

areas for your spirit companions (try letting them help build it up)

a walk-in closet 

a kitchen or pantry for food

storage areas

a jacuzzi (fill it with something fun like pink suds)

a pool

how can I maintain my astral home?

astral spaces aren’t just about building something and hoping it’ll stay in tiptop condition forever. just like you shouldn’t leave whole astral planes you made lying around, you shouldn’t go without doing at least some baseline maintenance. infrastructure with moving parts (see: elevator, escalator, etc.) and flow of energy (see: shower system, water filtration system) are the ones that usually need more maintenance. sometimes things fall apart or something gets clogged, you have to make sure you’re able to tackle some issues or work out these problems when you’re building the place.

a good thing to do would be to cleanse frequently and check your wards and infrastructure for any leaks, cracks, shakiness, or foundational wonkiness. this way you’ll always have a good idea of what’s going on around your home.

can I bring anyone into my astral home?

yes, if that’s what you want to do. if you’re inviting an astral dweller into your home, simply make sure that they can pass through the wards (a safety check of sorts) and set some ground rules. you can have a house rules ward for this if you want.

if you’re inviting someone from the physical, another astral traveller into your home, make sure that they can locate the place. energetical tracking or some sort of identifier or clear directions will definitely help. also ensure that they can pass through the wards. you could try installing like a front door or an entrance with a clear marker so that they know that they’re in the right place.

you can give your spirit family access to your astral home, it’s a good way to make sure everyone has the space and a common area to just chill. besides, it’s also fun to be able to hang out with everyone and go on astral adventures in full capacity when you’re in the astral.

the difference between pocket realms vs non-pocket realm astral spaces

there is a difference between creating a new realm and inserting it into the astral and calling it your home, and making a home in a realm that already exists or is created by someone else.

it is entirely possible to create an entire astral plane, or as I shall call it a pocket realm, in the astral. [UPG ahead] Over time, these pocket realms that you create will slowly become more of a part of the astral instead of a place between the physical and the astral, that is if your intention was to put it in the astral. Usually making a pocket realm means that it gives you more control of your surroundings because the place came from you and your own work, and you’d be the only inhabitant.

However, sometimes you may find that you want to make a home in a realm that already exists. For example, you might want to get to be closer to astral life while also having a place to call your own. That way, you might want to think about moving into an astral city or village or town or wherever you can safely build a house or even buy a house or that is acceptable by the social and legal norms of the astral realm for you to live there.

can I travel from my astral home?

yes. I personally do that by using doors that I built into my astral space made specifically for teleportation (but I have to bring or take them back to my astral space after astral travelling), or flying off from my astral space. 

here’s a few ideas for how you can do that:

doors made for the purpose of travelling

a water body that you can use to swim somewhere else

mirrors for teleportation

some sort of escalator or elevator system (more for travelling around within your own space if it’s big)

a vehicle (have a garage in your astral space maybe)

all in all, astral homes can be very fulfilling and helpful in your astral journey and if it sounds like something you’d like, just stay safe and make sure you’re updated on your warding practices and are able to plan out your astral space before going into the astral to build one.

- Raven

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[sapphicanarchist]

I interrupt my daily schedule of hating on James Potter to bring up something.

It can be argued that Dudley went through some form of abuse by his parents. They conditioned and brainwashed him into thinking and believing that he was better than anyone else, that he deserved everything he wanted without having to work for it, that all he needed was throw a tantrum and he could get anything, that people, especially Harry, were below him. That's abuse. It might not be the same abuse Harry went through, actually Harry was on the opposite end of the spectrum, but that was still abuse. They raised a child to be completely useless in the real world, a child who has never heard the word no and is genuinely ignorant when he hears it as it has never been applied to himself. They raised a child so ill equipped to deal with the real world that a mere glimpse of what others see when they look at him leaves him shaky and pale hours later. They fed him up on his own importance that the rest of his life is going to be a series of crushing disappointments and built on a forever shifting foundation. He is going to have to unlearn everything his parents taught him, he is going to have to re-learn how to not be a sorta sociopath. He will need to relearn love, relearn kindness, relearn how to genuinely be a good person, and we see that shift happening in Deathly Hallows, the Dementors episode is vital as it forces him to look past all the lies his parents fed him to truly look at the objective truth.

We all have that moment where we have to learn and figure out our own truth independent of our parents, but hardly is it ever forced on us so abruptly as it was on Dudley. Hardly are we forced to look at the objective truth with no prelude or warning. And though I am glad for this, and in no way feel truly bad for Dudley as the experience promises to make him a better being, I do not envy him the years he will spend trying to reconstruct himself or the harsh truths he will be forced to face.

But what does this have to do with James Potter?

This theory might also refer to him. I often bash him because of his privilege and argue that he did know kindness because he WAS kind to Remus and Sirius. But it recently occurred to me that he might have undergone some similar conditioning towards Slytherin House in general.

Sirius hated Slytherins because of his parents and their abuse, James hated Slytherins because of his parents, society and the Pavlovian association of Slytherins with evil.

We know his parents were Gryffindor and that they had some pre-conceived bias against Slytherins from his very first conversation with Snape and Lily on the train. Unlike Dudley though, James is seemingly proven right at every turn. There is no need for him to shake off this bias or to even recognize that it is a bias when there is so much 'proof' of it. His best mates are usually constantly facing danger from Slytherins, Sirius and his parents, Remus and Snape's threat of expulsion.

It doesn't occur to him that he is looking for this proof. He feels justified in hurting Snape because he believes Slytherins are evil and I have to hurt them before they have a chance to hurt me with their inherent evilness. There is no chance of an alternative line of thought because he certainly believes that you must have been evil to be sorted into Slytherin House. And he is never proven wrong. Instead, he is affirmed. Snape is punished with a requirement of silence while he and his friends seemingly get off light while Snape can't talk about his trauma or more importantly, paint Sirius as a bad person ('Because he isn't,' James would insist. 'He only thought such things were thinkable because of his parents!')

It is easy for him to accept Remus and Sirius and Peter, each somewhat hurt by life. He can be kind, he has proven this over and over again. He can look over certain characteristics that may paint you as dangerous, he has also proven this over and over again. But he has a blind spot when it comes to Slytherins. And the sad part is: He doesn't even know this. There is no defining moment when he thinks that Slytherins can't possibly be all bad, that children at 11 couldn't possibly already be written off as pure evil (11 year olds are little shits but not evil). Dudley gets that, however harsh the realization was, James doesn't.

It isn't that James is all bad, he is just heavily prejudiced against Slytherins specifically. And that is kind of sad. I want him to have lived and been forced to face Snape's loyalty, to see Regulus's sacrifice, Narcissa's bravery. I want him to see these Slytherins be so Slytherin in their goodness.

But then again... It might not change anything. But he has room and potential to grow, I wish he had been an actual character not merely a plot device (sorry, I'm kinda petty. I still hate the guy), so we would have seen this in the series and not in really good fanfics and headcanons.

This rant was somewhat inspired by my re-reading of Cursed Child and analysis of Harry as a father. I know we do not often speak of TCC (except to adore the wonder that is Albus and Scorpius) but it made me think.

Going back to my regularly scheduled program of hating James Potter tomorrow. But just hating a character without trying to give them the benefit of doubt or seeking reasons behind their actions is lazy and I won't do it.

[lifeofresulullah]

The Life of The Prophet Muhammad(pbuh): The Battle of Tabuk and Afterwards

The Expedition of Tabuk: Part 5

Masjid ad-Dirar

When the Prophet was getting ready for the Expedition of Tabuk, a group of Quban munafiqs went to the presence of the Messenger of God and said, “O Messenger of God! We built a mosque for the people who cannot walk far on rainy and cold nights and for ill people. We want you to come and lead a prayer in our mosque.”

What they said seemed to be the expression of an innocent intention. However, the intention that they concealed was something bad. Their aim was to divide the Islamic congregation even if it was in a small scale, to attract some people from the Quba Mosque to the mosque that they built and to try to abuse them. Abu Amir Rahib Abdi Amr, whom the Prophet had described as an obvious sinner, promised to help them. He said, “Build a mosque and stock as many weapons as you can in it. I will go to the Byzantine Emperor. I will bring soldiers here and expel Muhammad and his Companions from Madinah.”

However, the Messenger of God did not know about their evil intentions. Therefore, he had said to them, “Now, I am about to go on the Expedition of Tabuk. If we return from Tabuk and if God wills, I will lead a prayer in your mosque.”

Their real aim to invite the Messenger of God was to make their mosque holy and legitimate. If they managed it, it would be better for them to attract people there and to abuse them.

Was such a mosque really necessary?

No... However, the munafiqs needed such a place of gathering in order to spread their views of mischief.

The Expedition of Tabuk ended. The Prophet was returning to Madinah with his Companions. When they approached Madinah, the munafiqs asked the Prophet to keep his promise about their mosque.

However, God Almighty did not allow them to realize their evil intentions; He informed His Messenger about their real intentions by sending down the following verses:

“And there are those who put up a mosque by way of mischief and infidelity― to disunite the Believers and in preparation for one who warred against God and His Messenger aforetime. They will indeed swear that their intention is nothing but good; but God doth declare that they are certainly liars.

Never stand thou forth therein. There is a mosque whose foundation was laid from the first day on piety; it is more worthy of thy standing forth (for prayer) therein. In it are men who love to be purified; and God loveth those who make themselves pure.

Which then is best?― he that layeth his foundation on piety to God and His Good pleasure?― or he that layeth his foundation on an undermined sand-cliff ready to crumble to pieces? And it doth crumble to pieces with him, into the fire of Hell. And God guideth not people that do wrong.

The foundation of those who so build is never free from suspicion and shakiness in their hearts until their hearts, are cut to pieces. And God is All-Knowing Wise.”

Thereupon, the Prophet called Malik b. Duh­shum and Asim b. Adiyy and gave them the following order:

“Go to that mosque, whose people are oppressors; demolish it and burn it down.”

The order of the Prophet was fulfilled immediately. The mosque which is described as “Masjid ad-Dirar (Mosque of Harm)” was demolished and burned down.

Approaching Madinah...

While the Messenger of God was approaching Madinah, he said to his Companions, “There are such people in Madinah that they are regarded to have been with you anywhere you went and any valley you walked through.”

The Companions were astonished; they asked, “O Messenger of God! How can they be regarded to be with us when they were in Madinah?”

The Prophet explained the issue: “They remained in Madinah due to their excuses. Does God not say the following in His book?”: ‘Nor should the Believers all go forth together: if a contingent from every expedition remained behind, they could devote themselves to studies in religion and admonish the people when they return to them― that thus they (may learn) to guard themselves (against evil).’ (at-Tawba, 122) I swear by God, in whose hand of power my existence is that their prayers are more effective than our weapons on the enemy.”

Love of Uhud

While approaching Madinah, the Messenger of God looked at Mount Uhud and said, “There is Mount Uhud. It loves us and we love it.”

Meeting in Thaniyyatu’l-Wada

When the Muslims in Madinah heard that the Prophet was coming, they all went up the hill called Thaniyyatu’l-Wada to meet him. The women and children had the joy of seeing the Messenger of God again. They expressed this feeling by saying, “The white moon rose over usfrom the valley of al-Wada / And we owe it to show gratefulnesswhere the call is to God.”

Arriving in Madinah

Finally, the Messenger of God arrived in Madinah with his army after a tiring journey in the month of Ramadan.

Great Victory

The Islamic army did not confront anybody in Tabuk. However, it was a great success for the Islamic army to cover such a distance under very hard circumstances and to attempt to confront the enemy. This expedition was also a clear challenge to the Byzantine Empire, one of the biggest states of that time. The fact that the challenge was not responded was very significant. This showed that there was no power to face the power of Islam.  

Three People for whom the Earth Seemed Narrow

Ka’b b. Malik, Murara b. Rabi’ and Hilal b. Umayya were three sincere and sound Muslims. However, they did not join the army for the Expedition of Tabuk and remained in Madinah due to their negligence; they did not have any legitimate excuses.

Ka’b b. Malik was a poet from the tribe of Khazraj of Ansar. He was one of the three poets that joined the Pledge of Aqaba. He recited heroic poets that aroused heroism.[82]Before the Expedition of Tabuk, he had joined all of the battles except the Battle of Badr. On the day of Uhud, when there was a tumult and everything was in a mess, he recognized the Messenger of God from his bright eyes under his helmet and called out to the Companions to gather around the Messenger of God. He received eleven wounds on that day.

Murara b. Rabi’ and Hilal b. Umayya were two companions from the People of Badr; they had high ethics and virtues.

Why did They not Join?

Ka’b b. Malik, one of those three people, narrates the reason why he remained in Madinah as follows:

“...The Messenger of God fought that war (the Expedition of Tabuk) at the time when the fruits had ripened and the shade looked pleasant. God's Messenger and his Companions prepared for the battle.

I started to go out in order to get myself ready along with them, but I returned without doing anything. I would say to myself, 'I can do that.' So I kept on delaying it every now and then till the people got ready and the Messenger of God and the Muslims along with him departed, and I had not prepared anything for my departure, and I said, ‘I will prepare myself for departure one or two days after him, and then join them.'

In the morning following their departure, I went out to get myself ready but returned having done nothing. Then, again in the next morning, I went out to get ready but returned without doing anything. Such was the case with me till they hurried away and the battle was missed (by me). Even then, I intended to depart to take them over. I wish I had done so! However, I could not do it.”

The situation of the other two Companions was no different. They did not remain behind with bad intentions. They acted neglectfully and remained behind. This situation caused them to experience a hard test and trouble.

They Go to the Prophet to Seek Forgiveness

When the Messenger of God was in his mosque, those three Companions came and asked for forgiveness. They stated clearly why they had remained behind.

Ka’b b. Malik narrates the time when they asked for forgiveness as follows:

“The Messenger of God arrived in the morning, and whenever he returned from a journey, he used to visit the Mosque first of all and offer a two-rak'ah prayer therein and then sit for the people.

So when he had done all that (this time), those who had failed to join the battle of Tabuk came and started offering (false) excuses and taking oaths before him. They were something over eighty men; God's Apostle accepted the excuses they had expressed, took their pledge of allegiance asked for God's Forgiveness for them, and left the secrets of their hearts for God to judge.

Then I came to him, and when I greeted him, he smiled a smile of an angry person and then said, 'Come on.'

So, I came walking till I sat before him.

He said to me, 'What stopped you from joining us. Had you not taken part in the Pledge of Aqaba?’

I said, ‘Yes, O Messenger of God! I promised to help you at any rate.

O Messenger of God! By God, if I were sitting before any person from among the people of the world other than you, I would have avoided his anger with an excuse. By God, I have been bestowed with the power of speaking fluently and eloquently, but by God, I knew well that if today I tell you a lie to seek your favor, God would surely make you angry with me in the near future, but if I tell you the truth, though you will get angry because of it, I hope for God's Forgiveness. Really, by God, there was no excuse for me. By God, I had never been stronger or wealthier than I was when I remained behind you.”

After this talk of Ka’b, the Messenger of God said, “As regards this man, he has surely told the truth. So get up till God decides your case.”

The other two Companions spoke like Ka’b. The Prophet told them to go and wait until God sends down a verdict about them.

[sonia-leong]

Sorry for the delay! I have been doing inktober but life got so busy I didn't have time to cross post from my other social media sites! 19 - Sling Lightning strikes the tower, setting it ablaze. People sling themselves out of the windows in panic and desperation. This is destruction and radical change, but it is needed as the Tower was built on shaky foundations. 20 - Tread An androgynous angel stands where water meets land, pouring water between two cups. Temperance advises you to tread lightly; be patient and use balance and compromise to manage the flow of life. 21 - Treasure The picture of contentment and satisfaction, a mature man relaxes in front of his accumulation of treasures. He has worked hard for his success. The Nine of Cups is a lucky card, signifying happiness and fulfilment. 22 - Ghost This is the Last Judgement; the archangel Gabriel blows a trumpet and the ghosts of the dead rise. This card calls for an awakening: self-reflection and evaluation, purging and absolution, resulting in great change. 23 - Ancient The High Priestess sits between the pillars of Boaz (Strength) and Jachin (Establishment) in Solomon’s temple. She is the divine feminine; use your intuition to access her ancient, sacred knowledge of profound mysteries. 24 - Dizzy The Wheel of Fortune is filled with symbols of religion, alchemy, magic and astrology. It may make you dizzy, but it continues to spin as life is a constant cycle. Accept change and try to be kind, as karma comes around...

[mutantsrisingrpg]

WHO

Name: Rebeka York Dossier: Rhea Age: 37 Mutant Risk Level: Three Affiliation and Occupation: Kings Collective Gender/Pronouns: UTP Faceclaim: Lesley-Ann Brandt

POWER

ICE MANIPULATION: The ability to create and manipulate frozen liquid by reducing the kinetic energy of their atoms. Mutants who possess this power can create ice from most available liquids, not limited just to water. Water, however, is most often manipulated due to its abundance in the air and within the body. Sometimes these mutants are able to create ice seemingly out of thin air if there are enough water molecules present due to humidity. The amount of liquid a mutant is able to freeze at one time and the ease at which they can wield the ice they create is dependent upon experience and control. 

AESTHETIC

They are the crack in a windshield, the chill in the air on the first day of winter, and the fear of falling through a frozen lake. They are the bullet that cuts through the air, finishing its job in less than a second. The first leaf that falls in autumn, the shiver from a cold hand on your cheek, and the storm forming in the clouds above. The creek of a long forgotten floorboard in an abandoned cabin in the woods. They are the shadow that follows you on a moonlit night, silent and deadly, sneaking up on you when you least expect.

BIOGRAPHY

To be posted after acceptances.

CONNECTIONS

FINN CROIX, Thorn In Side: Oh, how annoying Rebeka finds Finn. Their similarities far outweigh their differences and they can’t stand it when Finn doesn’t let them forget it. Rebeka looks down at the other mutant whenever in the same room together, but that doesn’t stop the goosebumps from rising on their arm whenever they whisper in their ear while walking past. It takes all of their might not to take them out each time they’re within five feet of each other. 

EOIN DOUGHTERY, Bad Impression: Impressing Rebeka was a feat in and of itself most of the time and it only took one meeting for Rebeka to decide that they weren’t worth their time. To them, Eoin was too rash, too young, and too dumb all from one conversation with the younger mutant. There are plenty of mutants that were better than one who only spits acid at people. 

CIARA SAWYER, Bad Blood: Splitting from Ciara was the best thing that could’ve happened to Rebeka. Their friendship was built on a shaky foundation, a partnership that existed only to help them survive in the city. But like most things in Rebeka’s life, their partnership ended and neither walked away trusting the other. Now that Rebeka is a member of Kings, they can’t help but interact with Ciara again. The thought alone makes them want to scream. 

RHEA is OPEN for applications. 

[97sluv]

Thoughts on It’s Okay, That’s Love

Judging this show on its poster, I anticipated a cheesy romance drama with a slice of life vibe - and that was spot on for the first part of the show. It was light-hearted, pretty vanilla stuff that I would expect of this genre, and the medical aspect was thrown in with Gong Hyo Jin’s character Ji Hae Soo as a fellow at a hospital’s psychiatry department. I would say that the opening scene was a rather odd choice for me because of how jarring it was. 

The characters who stay in the share house are built upon and we get to see each one’s back story - kwangsoo’s character has Tourette syndrome, Sung Dong Il and his divorce story, and Hae Soo’s weird fear of sex and kissing which is later explained. Kwang Soo and Sung Dong Il’s characters are the BEST comedic duo I’ve seen in a long while, and they rep my exact brand of humour which I found very entertaining. I have to admit I was watching this show mainly because of Kwang Soo, and for the first part of the show that remained the case - his humour got me through the building of the romance, which was not all pleasant. Hae Soo and Jang Jae Yeol are both such strong-headed people, and that tough love/yelling at each other constantly was not something I could relate to. Not exactly the most healthy of relationships to begin with.

But as the story developed I could really see it happening as they learned to communicate with each other. And that’s when shit gets real - we learn about Jae Yeol’s OCD and traumatic past, Hae Soo’s childhood experiences etc. which culminate in their behaviour. But none can compare to the twist that came at the end! I would have to say that I kind of suspected it about halfway through the show, because a) I noticed passers-by gave Jae Yeol weird stares and looks whenever he was with Kang Woo (D.O’s character), and b) that one scene where Kwang Soo looks oddly at him really gave it away and I thought holy fkin shit. He’s not real?? But that can’t be?? And I started FREAking out. Because already from the weird back story of Jae Yeol’s older brother being totally psycho and trying to kill him all the time, and insisting that Jae Yeol killed their stepfather, made me realise that one of them must be crazy. Either his older brother was the crazy one - which would make total sense because he’s aggressive and vindictive - OR Jae Yeol is crazy and had altered memories, or so I thought. 

When the big reveal came that Jae Yeol had undiagnosed schizophrenia, I remembered crying so much together with Hae Soo. I would say before this show that I was extremely unaware about these various mental health illnesses, and was incognisant of how severe schizophrenia actually can be. I must say that Gong Hyo Jin’s acting in this show was impeccable. I wasn’t a fan of hers after Jealousy Incarnate but her talent surely shone through. Firstly the scene where she cries in front of her cheating ex-boyfriend was amazing, and it conveyed emotions of a proud, confident woman at a vulnerable moment - one that she would consider shameful. When she cried about Jae Yeol finally sleeping peacefully in his bed, I cried with her. In fact I bawled. It was such an emotional journey, and I think this show did a wonderful job exposing the masses to a sliver of the pain of watching a loved one succumb to mental health. It tore me apart when I tried putting myself in her position. And that is props to her flawless execution of this character, and the intensity of emotions I felt towards the end really overwhelmed the other flaws of the show for me and sold it completely. 

I think we tend to be too harsh on dramas sometimes - we expect a beautiful story arc with characters that show development and growth with a reasonable back story and closure with zero loose ends. But it’s admittedly difficult in 18 episodes! An instance of a minus point for me is that it’s pretty impressive of 16 year old Jae Yeol to have known his mother burned the house down and killed his abusive stepfather, and then chose to blame it on his older brother to save his mother, and then his mother conveniently has altered memories? I think it was made unnecessarily complex which resulted in a shaky foundation for Kang Woo as the manifestation of guilt towards his older brother. But there are many ways of interpreting his back story and how the trauma of abuse had basically fucked up all their brains. Still doesn’t excuse his older brother’s abuse towards him tho. 

Among the criticism was also the fact that the element of psychiatry was grossly watered down, to which I say uh duh? It has to be palatable for the masses if awareness is to be spread about mental health, they cannot be rattling on about the technical terms and nuances of the illness all the time, which is why you will find that other medical shows do the same. I think the recognition by Korea’s schizophrenia association speaks to the show’s efforts in raising awareness - as someone who knew close to nothing, I walked away with food for thought about mental health, knowledge of Tourette syndrome, etc. It sort of normalised these illnesses for me - that they exist in a spectrum of severity, and seeing it manifested in characters that are functional, dynamic, multi-dimensional, really opened my eyes to this subject.

The community support also warmed my heart - seeing Kwang Soo root for Hae Soo and Jae Yeol, coming from a place of understanding and having struggled gaining society’s acceptance, really delivered a moment of solidarity. This drama really did good for me, in helping someone like me who has never properly considered this topic contextualise and bring it close to home, to stand in the shoes of a schizophrenic patient and hope to see how difficult it must be to basically have someone shatter your sense of reality - i mean imagine if someone told you one day that your best friend from school was a imagined figure? When what you know as the truth is being disputed by everyone else? That’s terrifying. In any case, I took away more than I expected going into this show, and I’m glad it has enriched me. 

[silkygoldmilkweed]

I am yours and you are mine

OK. So. The episode of Game of Thrones that follows the fabulous weird intimate-as-fuck emo melodrama of “Blackwater” is “Valar Morghulis.” And in this episode, which follows the epic SanSan intimacy of “I’ll keep you safe. Do you want to go home? etc etc” there are not one, not two, but three couples basically making commitments and pledging to each other.

I THINK THE SHOW IS TELLING US SOMETHING ABOUT SANSAN AND MARRIAGE GENERALLY THROUGH THESE COUPLES ALL OF WHOM ARE DOOOOOOOOOMED in different ways. (Five of the six people involved have since been murdered.)

I’ll circle back to the couples in a minute, but first I must quote problematic Cat Stark from this ep, because I think if there is a message here, rather than some broken models of what not to do, she’s the one delivering it.

Cat to Robb about his feelings for Talisa and their agreement with the Freys: 

“Your father didn’t love me when we married. He hardly knew me. Or I him. Love didn’t just happen to us. We built it slowly. Stone by stone, over the years. For you, your brothers and sisters, for all of us. It’s not as exciting as secret passion in the woods, but it is stronger. It lasts longer... You agreed to it. Treat your oaths recklessly and your people will do the same. If your father lived his life for one thing...”

(1) I gotta appreciate the “over the years” in this because god knows that SanSan has been years in the making. 

They’ve been completely apart for many of those years, but dear god the personal growth! She’s a wolf now; he’s no longer an emotionally crippled thug with a serious drinking problem.

If they are cosmically linked soulmates who have been bound by some inexplicable tie for a long time, they have used the intervening years relatively well. Sansa learned how to survive and make her own justice, and Sandor built a very strong relationship with the only other surviving true-born Stark (by my account Bran is dead) and went to rehab and therapy, etc.

Mistakes were made, to be sure, but they are both better, healthier and stronger people after the fact.

Source: http://devilsbastion.tumblr.com/image/168855312743

(2) “It’s not as exciting as secret passion in the woods, but it is stronger. It lasts longer.” 

This line makes me feel like the writers have read all the Blackwater AUs where Sansa and Sandor run off together and despite best-laid plans end up fucking inside a month. In fanfic they usually end up happily ever after (usually), but in George’s world, Sansa probably ends up married to a Frey, Sandor ends up dying at the hand of god knows who, and without the Hound, Arya ends up raped and dead in a ditch and certainly not the killer she is today.

(Of course, Robb and Talisa do go the forbidden love route and we all know how that turns out.)

(3) “You agreed to it. Treat your oaths recklessly and your people will do the same. If your father lived his life for one thing...” 

I will say this: Sansa tried valiantly to keep her promises and the promises her family made. She agreed to marry Joffrey, arranged thought it was, and she keeps to that agreement.

In the same episode, Theon is whining: “Yes my captors were so very kind to me...Do you know what it’s like to be told how lucky you are to be someone’s prisoner?” but at this point in the story, Sansa is being held prisoner by awful people and being beaten and stripped and threatened with rape at every turn.  So Theon can just shut up. 

And in re Robb, Sansa was bound to marry a much worse prospective spouse than a Frey girl, and yet she stuck with it, even if out of sheer cluelessness. She was offered a “get out of jail free” card by Sandor Clegane, and she refused it. 

As horrible as it is, and as patriarchal and un-woke, Westeros custom says that Sansa was Joffrey’s—to torment or treat any way he saw fit. And, for better or worse, Sansa and Sandor have both internalized the patriarchy in a way that Arya never does.

In season four, Arya asks the Hound, “Didn’t you steal anything from Joffrey before you left?” He says no, he’s not a thief, and then says “a man’s got to have a code.” 

Arya’s talking about gold or other treasure but in the same conversation he calls Arya “the only thing of value I’ve got in the world,” which tells us as clear as day what really matters to him—even though he wants us and Arya to believe the issue is her exchange value in gold.

Sansa is the only thing Sandor wanted to steal, but she belonged to the king and if she didn’t want to go of her own volition—if she didn’t think she needed to be rescued—he wasn’t going to abduct her. 

He probably should have, for her sake, but I suspect he was too hurt when she turned him down to face her fighting him and being disappointed and teary. Sansa’s recrimination and distress was not something he was equipped to cope with at that point. Now Arya he could manhandle, but Sansa, for reasons (SEX REASONS PEOPLE), he could not, would not and did not.

ANYWAY MARRIAGE

He cloaked her in the throne room. She accepted the cloak. 

Did it mean something to them? Did it mean something to the gods? 

We have no idea. It has never been addressed.

But...the line in the Westerosi marriage vows is “You may now cloak the bride and bring her under your protection.” And within weeks he’s saving her from being gang raped (and he’s secretly pretty fucking pleased with himself), and he risks beheading (or much much worse) by attempting to smuggle away Tywin’s prize hostage and get her through the entire war-torn country to Winterfell. 

If that’s not protection, I don’t know what is.

Tyrion’s speech at the Blackwater (after the Hound has already deserted) about defending Your City rings false for the Hound because he literally cares only about one thing in the whole place (maybe two if you count Stranger). Hound figures why not take the girl out of the city rather than trying to save the whole shit city to protect her?

But it doesn’t work, and Sansa and Sandor break up.

Next episode. Sandor does not appear. Sansa does. And three separate couples—all doomed in different ways—make promises.

MARRIAGE PLEDGE #1: JOFFREY BARATHEON TO MARGERY TYRELL

Joffrey: “It would be an honor to return your love. But I am promised to another. A king must keep his word...I took a holy vow.”

Pycelle: “The gods do indeed hold betrothal solemn.”

Joff: “The gods are good. I am free to heed my heart...you will be my queen, and I will love you from this day until my last day.”

OK so mostly this is foreshadowing for Robb getting whacked and Joffrey getting poisoned at his wedding. But it’s also amazing extra-level bullshit. Every single person in the scene is lying through his or her teeth and putting on a show for the court, except for Sansa who is genuinely delighted to be relieved of Joffrey. 

Well, the situation also thrills Littlefinger who pounces on her literally moments after Joff sets her aside. If the Hound had waited maybe one more day he and Sansa would have been so much freer to figure themselves out together--but then it wouldn’t be a heartbreaking romantic separation would it?

But there are a couple of lines I want to highlight as possibly important for SanSan.

“The gods do indeed hold betrothal solemn.”

What if this is true on some level and the gods have considered SanSan to be pledged to one another in some spiritual way? Could the gods actually have been intervening in their favor in some way? Probably not but...maybe.

“I am free to heed my heart.”

So so so few people in Westeros are free to heed their hearts. That’s why the freefolk call themselves that—they aren’t bound by the feudal system and the arranged marriages and the taxes and high-maintenance castles and all that. 

But come season eight, guess who is free as hell to heed her heart? Sansa Stark. She’s even finally rid of Littlefinger. Nobody except maybe Jon Snow can tell her what to do, and I feel strongly that he DGAF who she marries so long as he’s a good man. 

MARRIAGE PLEDGE #2: SHAE DA FUNNY HOAR TO TYRION LANNISTER

Tyrion: “I’m a monster, as well as a dwarf. You should charge me double.”

Shae: “You think I’m here for money?”

Tyrion: “That was the arrangement we made. I pay you and you lie to me.”

Shae: “You have a shit memory. I am yours and you are mine.”

I don’t understand these two. I think Tyrion did love her, but “I pay you and you lie to me” was the truth of it. Their relationship was built on a shaky foundation of business and lies.

In the end she testified at his trial for capital crimes and he strangled her to death. So...as the Hound said to Tyrion in the series premiere, “It’s not hunting if you pay for it.”

You can buy a wife with an army or gold, or you can buy the girlfriend experience from a prostitute, but you can’t buy a healthy, happy and loving marriage, not for any price.

I am a crazy person, admittedly, but I think George’s endgame is two well-deserved happy marriages: Jon & Dany, and Sansa & Sandor. (I wouldn’t mind Brienne & Jaime, Missandei & Grey Worm, and Sam & Gilly also living happily ever after but WE WILL SEE.)

MARRIAGE PLEDGE #3: ROBB STARK AND TALISA MAEGYR

Secret love in the woods!

The theme to this scene is “I Am Yours and You Are Mine,” a lushly romantic love theme by Ramin Djawdi. These are good people, and they are madly in love, and they are doomed as fuck.

As a wise man once said, “What is honor compared to a woman's love? What is duty against the feel of a newborn son in your arms...or the memory of a brother’s smile?”

I wish I could tell you that the series is consistent about punishing oathbreakers, but I can’t. The best I can offer is that the story does seem to treat marriage (and the children of marriage, i.e. trueborns versus bastards) as a special and very important kind of oath. 

The camera focuses on Lady Oleanna Tyrell at Joffrey and Marge’s wedding just as the High Septon says, “...one heart, one flesh, one soul. Cursed be he who would seek to tear them asunder.” And of course, House Tyrell is eventually exterminated. 

George, if not the gods, does seem to value fidelity in marriage and not running around “stabbing” girls you don’t plan to marry. Ned Stark is a saint who never cheated. Cersei and Bobby are both unfaithful, but Cersei went a step further and aborted all of her trueborns and cuckholded Bobby with Jaime’s bastards. Stannis is a cheater. Renly is a cheater--he’s married to Marge but sexes up Loras. Rhaegar was a bigamist maybe--timeline unclear but undoubtably problematic. Ramsay Snow was fucking Myranda while married to Sansa. Theon is a jackass for whoring and banging captain’s daughters whereas Jon Snow doesn’t want to make bastards on Ros. Daario wants to come to Westeros as Dany’s fuckboi even if she’s going to marry someone else but Dany is all “hard pass” because Dany ain’t like that. Brandon Stark (Ned’s murdered brother) was a bit of a fuckboi. Littlefinger gets married and murders his wife within the space of a...day? No bueno!

Tyrion gives Shae a heartbreaking speech when he’s breaking up with her for her own safety about “you are not fit to bear my children, and Sansa is.” Bastards! So much talk about legitimacy or not and what that equips you for, or not, in Westeros. Blah blah thousand-year dynasty.

These are not always our contemporary morals, at least in popular media, but they do seem pretty solidly founded in Westeros: 

Marriage matters. Fidelity matters. 

I do think it is important that we never ever see Sandor interact with other women on the show besides Sansa and Arya (and the farmer’s daughter Sally). 

Not Cersei. Not Myrcella. Not Melisandre. Not whores. He isn’t even shown talking to Dany after she saves him on Drogon. Sansa is his woman. Period. 

Sansa takes marriage very seriously, but she is never in a position to choose her husband or control the circumstances of her marriage. Marriage to Sansa is suggested or arranged, canonically, to Joffrey Baratheon, Tyrion Lannister, Littlefinger, Robin Arryn and Ramsay Snow, and that’s not even including all the fan-made pairings like Sansa-Marge, Sansa-Tywin, Sansa-Stannis, Sansa-Edd, Sansa-Jon, Sansa-Pod, Sansa-Bronn, etc. 

Tyrion is by far the best of the lot of Sansa’s canonical consorts, a list that includes two psychopaths, one sociopath and one disabled child. 

By Ned Stark’s standard of “brave, gentle and strong,” again, Tyrion might qualify as brave and gentle, but the other four fail to have even one of those qualities. Ugh. Sandor is all three, to my mind, although the show de-emphasizes “gentle” in favor of sassy, but we all know that he’s a very different kind of brute from Joffrey or Ramsay.

Three more tidbits and then shutting up. 

** The episode ends with Dany’s vision in the House of the Undying. Drogo says: “Or maybe it is a dream. My dream, your dream. I do not know. These are questions for wise men with skinny arms. You are the moon of my life and if this is a dream, I will kill the man who tries to wake me.”

If Sansa’s dreams are as important as I think they will turn out to be, this line may feel more evocative of SanSan in the future. I mean, LOL, “These are questions for wise men with skinny arms” is a total Sandor POV thing to say, although Sandor does have a rough-hewn wisdom of his own.

** The next episode is the season three premiere, “Valar Dohaeris (All Men Must Serve)” and in that we get:

Littlefinger telling Sansa that “stealing you is treason”

Sansa telling Shae that it’s better to use your imagination and dream than think about the truth, because “the truth is always terrible or boring.”

Ros telling Shae that Sansa is a very important person and reminding us of her connection to Winterfell

And Marge telling little kids that knights “protect the weak and uphold the good”

** And then finally, in the second episode of season three, Sandor reappears and it’s clear that he’s been drunk non-stop since he left Sansa behind. He gets captured while unconscious and when he comes to, the first thing he sees is Arya (he recognizes her instantly) and the first words of out his mouth are “What in seven hells are you doing with the Stark bitch?” It’s clear to me that he determines on the spot to watch over her. He has not been granted the status of protector of Sansa, but Arya is fair game.

Was it divine justice or the hand of the gods, putting Sandor together with his wife’s little sister who needs to be protected? We shall see. We shall see.

“In winter, we must protect ourselves.” “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.” “I miss him.” “Me too.”

[geminimoonbeamx]

In the Land of Gods and Monsters: Part Four

A/N: this story, as I said, will continually jump from past to present until eventually the storylines meet up and we figure out exactly what’s happened and how it all built up to that. It’s honestly the biggest writing challenge I’ve ever given myself, but I’m really enjoying writing it.

Word Count: 2k+

Warnings: Cursing, Mild mentions of incarceration.

Summary: You knew what you were getting yourself into when you met Bucky Barnes. He was a known wise guy. A feared mobster. Everyone in the neighborhood knew his name. Funny, in retrospect, you think that might have been why you couldn’t help but be drawn in like a moth to a flame. This first and foremost, is a love story. Blood stained and littered with bullet holes, but the story of how you fell in love with the man none the less. Mobster!BuckyxPlus Size Reader

-Present-

Interrogation rooms in movies are dingy, dirty and dungeonous. They were fearsome cells that police men threw criminals like you in; right before they water boarded you until they got the answers they needed. Hollywood has a way of skewing real life though, of taking just the best bits and pieces and glamorizing them. Because yeah; you’d rolled ecstasy on yachts’ and gone to parties that would leave most others starstuck. Been in homes that could fit three of the apartment you’d grown up in- their living rooms.

But at the moment, as you sit in the uncomfortable plastic chair; there’s nothing glamorous about it. The room you’ve been sat in is clean and clinical; plain painted brick walls and linoleum floors. Small enough to make you feel antsy, but not a hole in the basement of the station. But still- it feels like torture. You stare, blankly, only blinking when your eyes start to burn from drying out, at the wall. At the dull grey, at the little flecks where paint had begun to fleck. You’d been focused on the clock mounted on the opposite wall, but that had been even worse. You’d go stir cray if you kept looking at that, so now your eyes just flashed to it every once and a while, checking sparingly.

You’d been in this room for eight fucking hours, including that little drop in with Fury that had accrued a few hours ago.

You were exhausted, physically- but the prospect of sleep seemed ridiculous to you. You couldn’t fucking sleep, every time you even closed your eyes to blink, even for a moment flashes of the previous night stabbed through you. The room wasn’t all that cold, and yet you felt chilled to the bone. Your arms wrapped around yourself tightly, the shaking had stopped significantly, but small tremors still rocked you. You knew this feeling all to well: shock. Your body had gone through this a handful of times over the years. It never got any easier to deal with.

The door handle jiggles and then opens and you could cry when you see the familiar face, the head of red hair that’s knotted in a sleek bun on the back of her neck.

Jean is being led in by an officer, the moment she see’s you her face softens and you try to force a smile. It’s more of a grimace.

“I’m her lawyer” Jean tells the secretary cop who’s still fucking babysitting you from his place at the little desk “I’d like to talk to my client in private, please”

Her tone is even, professional- but commanding. The man gives her a wary look, his gaze flashing to you for a moment before he stands; telling her that there’d be two officers just outside if you “Needed anything, Mrs. Grey”

You clench your teeth and scoff. Two, huh? Who did they think you were, some kinda’ Capo?

When the door is shut and the two of you are alone in the room and she’s giving you the first soft, truly compassionate look you’d had all day, you accept her hug. Lean into her taller frame, your eyes pricking threateningly. But you refused to cry.

“We’re being recorded right now” She whispers to you and you nod. Yeah, you’d figured.

“My babies?” You ask, desperate. She’d tell you, Jean had always been a very straight up kind of woman. Which you figured was why she was the lawyer of most of the wise guys; She’d been Bucky’s lawyer for years, had gotten him out of a slew of shit. Kept him with you, fought hard for his freedom even though most of the time he was guilty of the crimes he was being accused of.

“They’re okay, I made a few calls. Child protective services has to release them to the safest next of kin- I called Bucky’s sister. Rebecca will take them until we figure this out” She assures you as the two of you pull apart and you blow out a breath. Okay, that was…okay. Rebecca might not have been your biggest fan, but she was a good person. She’d take care of your children, get them out of the city until all of this blew over of it came to that.

You sit back down, her across from you at the small table.

“Y/N, this is serious. They’ve got a decade worth of evidence and they’re just looking for someone to hang with it. RICO’s been all over this for years, this is a federal case-”

You’re trying to listen to her, you really are. As she goes through the listing of charges, just had Fury had. But now that you knew your kids were going to be okay…the question that you had barley kept behind the floodgates seemed to overwhelm you.

With a shaky breath you interrupted her.

“Are they alive?”

And you were worried; about Steve and Tony and Sam. All of the people who had been in that situation with you- but she knew exactly who you meant. And you were absolutely terrified of the answer that she was about to give you.

“I don’t know, Y/N, the hospital’s keeping everything pretty locked up. I know he’s still in critical care, but there hasn’t been any reports of deaths. I’ve been checking, I promise”

That makes you bury your face in your hands.

Don’t cry, you command yourself. Don’t cry-

But how could you live without him? You and Bucky had built everything together; he was the foundation to your life. How the fuck could you be expected to go on living it if he wasn’t there?

“Y/N”

“Just…give me a minute” You tell her, without lifting you head, muttering it into your palms.

“We might not have a minute, we need to lay down a game plan because Fury will be back and he’s not going to stop until he’s convicting someone. The man’s a fucking bloodhound” Jean has never sounded this worried before and you take a deep breath and remove your hands, running them through your hair instead. Pushing the locks away from your face.

“You’re going to get out of here soon, they don’t have anything on you, you know they don’t-”

It was unsaid, but you knew exactly what she was trying to communicate. Bucky had always fought tooth and nail to keep your name clean, he’d made sure to keep the “business” from touching his family to the best of his ability.

-“They can only hold you for 48 hours without pressing charges- and you’ve already been here for nine. You’ll get out, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get away. They’ve got everything frozen- all the accounts. They’ve got taps and eyes on everyone- this one isn’t going away, Y/N”

Your stomach churns and you swallow the bile that rises up your chest.

“What do we do?”

She sighs, folding her hands on the table before looking you right in the eye “We need to start thinking about taking one of their offers. Fury’s offering you immunity for your cooper-”

Your face skews up and you reel back at her words.

“Excuse me?”

“I know, it’s not…ideal, but it can end up keeping both you and Bucky out of prison”

“And what? Condemning everyone else? Fuck no, I’m not doing that” you shake your head vehemently.

“Fury-”

“Can go to hell”

“Y/N, think about your kids. What are they going to do? Grow up with both of their parents incarcirated? Rebecca works at a diner for Christ’s sakes, she cant provide for them. And your accounts are frozen, they might stay that way forever. It’s time to start thinking about what you’re going to do to save your family. Your husband- and not everyone else”

This was hard, you felt cornored and wild and like you were about to be thrown into a panic attack. How could you make a decision like this?

“He would hate me”

Bucky would, he’d be so fucking upset. Because first and foremost; your husband was loyal. Known for it.

“He would get over it eventually. He’d get to watch his kids graduate from school and grow up-from outside of a 6 by 8 cell”

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

That’s your mantra once more. You cling to it.

You hadn’t been born into this life, or grown up in it…but you’d been accepted into it. It had been all you’d known for so long. And the first thing you learn, the first lesson this lifestyle had taught you was-

That there was no dishonor above disloyalty. The absolute worst thing you could do was snitch-

“I wont rat, Jean. There’s no fucking way” There’s stiff resolve in your voice and she deflates. She’d heard those same word out of various people. People who’d chose this honor code over their freedom. It was hard, and sad- but she knew there was little chance that you would be swayed.

You were loyal to your husband, undyingly so. And he was loyal to the mafia.

And both of you were about to go down with this sinking ship.

@buchonians @papi-chulo-bucky @geekyweed @kelly96q @missrobyn81 @iamwarrenspeace @docharleythegeekqueen @beccavesper @buckysforeverprincess @yslbucky @prettybubblesintheair @4theluvofall @huntressxtimelady @crazyplantladyy @welcometothelordsden @jacks-on-krack @peacefulwriter88 @thejenniferincident @lostinthoughtsandfeelings @eshia16 @shayla-markele @xotaku-baekx @rcsgcld @manlyflower @grande-and-thediamonds @xplussizereaderx @carryonmyswansong @quinntwilight @crazyplantladyy @badassbaker @honeydrippin-cutefattie @sophiealiice

Okay so I know I’m probably overwhelming everyone a little bit with all of these updates but I want to get as many in as I can before school starts back up(I’m in college and it’s a ball buster, guys) so while I have the time to write in really going to try and let the creative juices just flow. As usaul, let me know what you guys thought if this one! I absolutely love Jean Grey and I knew I wanted to incorporate her in this fic somewhere.

The more mob/organized crime films and docs I watch the more I realize one underlying theme. No one wants to be a rat, and I think in all her years of being in the life she would have had that reidderated to her. So it’s not surprising that she’s so adamant about it.

I just want to thank you guys so much for taking the time to read this story. I love you all so much! Let me know in the comments if you’d like to be tagged in upcoming parts of the series! Give me some feedback if you can! You guys are the best. And ps. The next chapter is where the smut starts😉😉😉