#a little bit painful but ultimately it's mostly just kids being kids

[purplespacekitty]

Ramblings on Tora Ziyal

I think it’s well beyond a shame that they killed off Ziyal because I really would have liked to see her Cardassian-Bajoran identity more fleshed out and have her navigate the world beyond her father’s influence. She was starting to do that a bit with Kira and Garak (though I strongly feel that Garak should have been more of a mentor figure than a love interest) and it would have been really cool to see her get to hang out with Jake and Nog and just be a kid for once. It feels way too weird the way they began her character as this traumatized little girl who knew nothing but the brief time of her life she spent with her mother on Bajor and the horrors of the Breen mines and then magically turned her into this saccharine sweet, mostly well-adjusted young woman who loves her tyrant father despite his crimes (and in many ways, is seemingly unaware of them???????). Where was the therapy? Where was the rehabilitation? Where was the jaded child we saw in “Indiscretion”? What if Ziyal had been allowed to channel her anger and pain into learning about Bajor and Cardassia, into healing herself? Her dad basically plucked her out of the Breen mines after years of giving less than a Cardassian vole's asshole about her and then it turns out he originally planned to kill her when he found her? After she prayed for years that he'd come and save her? I'd be pissed.

But also, I wish they'd explored more of why she didn't appear to be all that pissed. We have almost no other context for Ziyal's childhood, certainly not any of what it was like before Dukat sent her and Naprem away. Was it simply exhaustion and desperation that led her to the conclusion that she'd rather die than not be with him once he'd found her? Was there a guise Dukat put up to portray himself as a kind father and mask the tyrant underneath before he sent Naprem and Ziyal away? Or did she even get to see Dukat at all in her early childhood? Did she simply assume he would be a loving father? Is that the image Ziyal clung to for comfort for all those years? Did she cling so tightly she could do little else but believe it?

It feels icky to kind of reduce her existence to Dukat Drama™ the way the show ultimately did with her death. Why didn’t we get to see her experiencing disillusionment about Dukat, who never actually changed for the better when she was still alive and trying to get him to stop being so horrible? Why didn’t we get any Rugal-level anger from her, the hushed-up child of a Bajoran comfort woman and the genocidal former Prefect of Bajor? Because, obviously, Dukat never actually took his fatherhood to her seriously. She tried to imagine him as someone he was not and he predictably chose to inflate his own ego by encouraging her. She wasn't much more to him than a device to garner some twisted idea of sympathy for himself. Ziyal needed more of a chance to break away from relying on Dukat for unconditional love. Because his love, as we know, was not unconditional. In fact, I hesitate to even call it love at all, given how ready he was to manipulate Ziyal, how ready he was to get rid of her. She had unconditional love from Kira, who immediately went to bat for her before she’d even met her when she found out what Dukat planned to do to his own daughter. And I totally believe Garak’s love for Ziyal could have grown into something unconditional, but they ruined it with some weird, out-of-nowhere romance with an uncomfortable age gap and then had her killed off like some tragic, helpless maiden.

DS9 was sort of the only place Ziyal could experience any sort of semblance of real safety in her life, especially considering both Bajoran and Cardassian attitudes towards biracial children. It would have been interesting to explore an arc with her making DS9 her home as a place that is conducive to the cohabitation of many different species and cultures while also wrestling with isolation and ostracization from those who share in the two most pervasively impactful facets of her identity. Maybe the writers wanted to focus on portraying her girlhood and favored it over exploring the complexities of her Cardassian-Bajoran heritage. But honestly, they failed at both. She never got to have a girlhood and she ultimately became more of a plot device than a fully-fledged character. This franchise started off with its most interesting and beloved main character being both Vulcan and human. I know Ziyal is someone else entirely, but they totally could have done more with her than they did.

I would love, love, LOVE to see her engage with different aspects of both Bajoran and Cardassian culture. I wonder if she would develop any kind of spirituality regarding the Prophets. Since Bajorans are widely a spiritual people, it's possible Naprem shared some of her spiritual practices with her daughter. If she did, does Ziyal observe those practices to feel closer to her mother? Does she seek Kira's help in learning more about Bajoran spirituality? Do they connect over the struggles their faith has gotten them through? Would delving deeper into Bajoran spirituality open a gateway to acceptance from other Bajorans? Or would it make them turn their backs on her even more? How does her Cardassian-Bajoran heritage impact the way she interacts with her own spirituality and beliefs? As far as Cardassian culture goes, Garak certainly has an eye for art and I could see her connecting with Professor Natima Lang, Hogue and Rekelen and learning about Cardassia's resistance movements.

Also, multiple Bajoran and Cardassian drinks, confections and meals are shown throughout the series and especially with respect to its main character, DS9 frequently places food in an important cultural, community-building role. As someone whose strongest connection to their own heritage comes from food, I would have loved to see Ziyal engage with both Bajoran and Cardassian culture through food.

Obviously, we were robbed of heaps and heaps of space station shenanigans:

Nog sharing what he learns from Starfleet Academy with Ziyal, Ziyal trying tube grubs and actually liking them.

Ziyal illustrating Jake’s stories into comic books or murals and the two of them creating stuff together and maybe some nerdy pop culture history discussions on the side. I feel like Jake, Nog and Ziyal would totally have weekly movie nights.

Odo looking out for her, giving her advice about handling bullies, the two of them bonding over being generally considered the odd ones out and Ziyal making paintings to add to his quarters.

Kira giving her lots of hugs, teaching her to fight, protecting her from bigots and helping her embrace her Bajoran background, teaching her Bajoran culture. Ziyal stealing clothes from Kira's closet occasionally ("You hardly ever wear anything other than your uniform, anyway! And they fit, see?"). Ziyal sneakily tagging along on Kira and Dax's trips to the holosuites, eventually convincing them to just invite her to them regularly, anyway. She knows how to use her cuteness as a force for good, but more importantly, she knows how to use it as a force for capers and hijinks.

Garak making her clothes, teaching her the art of cunning deceit and helping her embrace her Cardassian background, teaching her Cardassian culture. More hangouts in the holosuites basking on steaming rocks. And the two of them giggling in tasteful mirth at Bashir because he finds Cardassian literature boring.

Gossiping with Bashir and Jadzia, learning to treat wounds and carry a bat’leth, never growing tired of Dax’s many tales of woe, romance and adventure.

Sisko teaching her how to cook and inviting her to play baseball with him and Jake.

Quark occasionally letting her have a drink on the house because she can be more devious than him if she wants to be (“Listen, kid, if you’ll get rid of all this root beer for me, you can have as many free glasses as you want”).

Leeta and Rom being the cool aunt and uncle who buy her all the jumja sticks she wants.

Babysitting Molly and Kirayoshi and learning about plants, science and Earth history from Keiko. I wish Keiko had gotten more screen time - in general, but also of her in her element, studying plants and playing music. It's criminal that we never see Keiko play her clarinet in DS9, so I definitely would love to see the two of them playing music together if Ziyal felt so inclined.

Leaving O’Brien in the dust at darts for reasons he simply cannot fathom.

Listening to Klingon opera with Worf over glasses of prune juice.

Becoming an accidental stowaway on Kasidy’s freighter one day and Kasidy taking her with on missions to Bajor. Kasidy, Keiko and Ziyal hanging out together is a trio dynamic that never happened and definitely should have.

Talking stuff out with Ezri, the two of them commiserating over their respective identity crises.

Dressing up for nights at Vic’s.

Learning about Klingon music from that Klingon chef (I believe his name is Kaga) on the Promenade.

Punching each successive version of Weyoun in the fucking face (maybe even Weyoun 6, accidentally or intentionally, doesn't matter, it would just be funny).

Rebel strategies with Damar (I think he’d come around if he didn’t have it out for her and got over Cardassian bureaucracy), Kira and Garak.

Helping around the house whenever she and Garak visit Mila, long talks with Mila about her Obsidian Order days.

Weekly dinners with everybody.

I want to see her making friends and being supported by all the loving, caring people around her who love her (collectively and individually) more than her actual-piece-of-shit dad. I want her to grapple with the fact that certain people hate the mere existence of her enough to want her dead but also decide to go “hell with it” and fucking live for herself. She deserves to be more than the tragedy that made Dukat finally snap and descend into pure insanity. She deserves to laugh and cry and stomp her feet and dance and shout and sing and love and play and paint to her heart’s content. She deserves to be angry. She deserves to have a childhood, an adolescence, an adulthood and an elderhood. She deserves to live. And maybe to be the perpetrator of a few political assassinations as a treat.

So………....................suffice to say, I have a LOT of thoughts about Ziyal. I love her and I wish the show runners had loved her more, too.

[idkiwasntsupposedtobebackhere]

ok so since people didn’t cut my head off for my unpopular opinions i’m gonna expand on the second one. so for people in the gilmore girls fandom it’s pretty much the general opinion that luke is a saint for taking jess in and that jess screwed things up and that it’s his fault luke kicked him out. ”he got himself kicked out”. even people who like jess seem to think this is fair. so as someone who watches gilmore girls mostly for jess i have a different perspective that i’ve never actually vocalized but i figured maybe this little corner of the internet wouldn’t hate me for this, as long as it doesn’t make it out of here.

so i also first of all think that the fact that jess has to work at luke’s and graduate in order to stay there is a bit sad. like everyone around him his age has somewhere they can stay without conditions, and people wonder why he’s the only one worried about making money. and yes, it’s a fine idea in theory, he has to change his ways if he wants to stay with luke bc that’s the point of him being there, sure, but luke could stand to NOT always bring it up to jess during fights that can’t stay with him if he violates the conditions.

bc the thing is that luke very clearly makes it known that he doesn’t want jess there and that the whole situation is kind of a pain in his ass that he’s doing out of obligation. a minor is entitled to a place to stay where they can be an asshole unconditionally, actually, and they shouldn’t have to be constantly grateful to have that. and if luke didn’t want to fully commit and be that place, he should have said no to taking jess in. you don’t get to get all the praise for doing a good deed and then get all pissy about actually following through with it.

like i know luke and jess aren’t the main characters and that their scenes and dynamic are for comedy. but then they play off jess leaving as serious so i should be allowed to analyze their scenes seriously. and my conclusion is… luke is not that nice to jess LOL. like i can’t think of a single scene where he responds to him in any other manner than pissed off or annoyed. he never stops treating him like a bad kid. we know luke cares about jess but does jess have any reason to believe that? or does he think this is all for liz? like i know their scenes are jokes but for someone who complains so much about what a difficult person jess is to connect with, i think luke missed a lot of moments to do it.

luke taking jess in in general is nice, YES, but i’m not talking about just good intentions here. and i know that it was a very good intention but i, again, just super dislike the whole ”you wouldn’t have anywhere to stay if it wasn’t for me, so watch it”-attitude. even in season 4 luke basically said that jess had to come to liz’ wedding because he was there for him when no one else was. and i think that’s a shitty thing to say to someone who deserved more. i know luke didn’t have to do it bc he’s not his parent and that’s why people forgive him and not liz, who is his parent and did have to do it. but i think luke agreed to be jess’ parent and if he didn’t want to, he could have said no to his sister for once in his life. anyways, i think i’ve made my point.

also, i love you luke, my world just revolves around your nephew. i know i’m putting a lot of unrealistic expectations on a guy who’s pretty emotionally constipated. and he did come through with the big things, like giving jess money in sesson 4. but i’m talking about the little things that could have made even more of a difference. just don’t get it twisted ok, luke and jess’ relationship is my fave on the show, i may like it even more than rory and jess’, but when i enjoy something i analyze it. so don’t think i don’t love them, because i do! i just want to squash the idea that luke did everything he could but that jess ultimately was too difficult, because i disagree with that.

[m0r1bund]

No, you are right. I lied to you. I was not birthed, but expelled, like a malignant tumor being cut out of a body. The Tree deposited me here with her furthest root. I crawled out of the dirt and into the desert, alone.

When the Court finally found me, they said that they had created me, that they had finally inoculated the Tree with their nightmares. But I believe they were merely taking credit for what was a natural immune response—that is, ridding her body of trauma— in order to groom me.

Nonetheless I carry it inside of me. I am called every day by morbid visions that are mine, but which do not belong to me. The Court wants to use me to sow anguish and heartbreak among their kin, and the Wardens want me dead. Some believe this is why I was really created, so that this immortal and intangible evil could be made into something mortal and tangible… Something that could be killed.

But you are already familiar with such things, no, dragonslayer?

Why are you really here? Did the Pact send you? The Wardens? The Tree herself? Because I cannot imagine why someone like you would come to meet someone like me, except to do their dirty work.

◆◆◆

The Lastborn is a sylvari(?) pariah who mostly keeps to himself and fucks around in the desert. He is dry (pun intended) and emotionally austere, but insightful. People typically get a selfish and callous vibe over a thoughtful vibe, though, because of his rigid commitment to isolation and nonintervention. In truth, he feels that he must “go it alone” to protect himself and those around him.

Everyone knows that something went wrong during his creation… or maybe something went wrong long, long before his creation, and he was just collateral. Either way, the Lastborn emerged from the Pale Tree less like a daughter sprout and more like a root parasite. The Dream that he was fed is completely unrecognizable to most of his peers, a fever dream of great sadness, fear, and pain. The Court considers him to be the first son raised from their Nightmare, and whether or not this is actually true, this narrative has been compelling enough to estrange him from the Tree and the rest of her children. His apparent abandonment—coupled with his induction into the Court during his formative years—is the ultimate condemnation in the minds of his peers.

Worse still, he feels his Wyld Hunt calling him to return to these morbid memories, the way you might pick and scratch at a wound that won’t heal. The possibility that he’ll be called to do something terrible has frightened him into living in isolation—or at least, that’s what he tells those who have the grace to ask first, instead of attacking him on sight. Really, he’s a hermit by choice as much as he is by circumstances outside of his control. He’s not as desperate for belonging as he used to be, and it’s been years since he made his quiet exit from the Court… Though he’ll probably never be out of the shadow of (indicates generally) whatever that was.

Other schtuff:

Not in touch with the Dream, but constantly receives Visions And Nightmares against his will. You could probably consider him an oracle, but only for worst case scenarios, intrusive thoughts, and terrible ideas. And he can’t even tell you if they’re actually going to happen or not.

Not outwardly hung up about being estranged from the Pale Tree and her kids, but maybe a little bit on the inside. Un poquito. I think the two of them reach an understanding later that she did All That to try and protect him (for better or worse.)

Unsure if he emerged with a name or not. If he did, he has never spoken it to others. “The Lastborn” (sometimes “Lostborn”) is an epithet bestowed on him in lieu of a true name. Later on he learns from his friends that you can give yourself a name, or ask other people to name you, and you can change it as many times as you want, and he goes appropriately ham.

Ofc not actually a lastborn (others have come after him, albeit in a more normal way.) but my lot in life is that every couple of years I recreate the last firstborn

⠀

I just think it’s funny if the Court did all these awful things and put all this effort into making a fucked up and eeeevil treebaby. But in the end you fucked up a perfectly good sylvari is what you did. Look at him. He has anxiety.

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

thinking about gijinka!metal sonic again. bc like in a humanisation she’d be like the biological kid of eggman right? and that’s giving me such brainrot. the tl;dr is that she was born through surrogacy to serve as eggman's heir when he dies and basically she was raised to be eggman 2 (her deadname is literally ivo jr) and despite growing up with a safe, wealthy environment with a ton of education she never really felt loved by her father so after he and sonic start fighting she pretty much immediately both replaces half her body with cybernetics to serve as a useful pawn in her fathers schemes and started dying her hair in the hopes that if she looked like sonic she'd at least get any attention. she eventually ran away (after realising she was trans and being terrified of her father not accepting her) and like kinda did the whole sonic heroes thing but being like a human meant she couldn’t just be reset so. she just kinda started serious therapy and now is in an awkward midground where she has absolutely no idea who’s side she’s on. i also have some more detailed thoughts on her under the cut if u want.

the modifications she did to her body for her cybernetics stunted her growth a lot. she was short as a kid and as a teenager she's like 4’7 max. it was extremely invasive and painful, but she was that desperate for any sort of familial love. being eleven it was not exactly done great and while she’s a terrifying combatant she's in and out of hospital the rest of her life for some reason or another.

eggman does actually fully support her transition, bc while he's a terrible dad he does on some level genuinely care about her and like, he cares more about her continuing the mad science legacy than how she presents herself.

she’s very much a sheltered rich kid. the closest thing she’s ever had to a friendship is trying to murder her fathers arch nemesis, and that started when she was eleven she didn’t have any sort of friend before that. her socialisation is messed up enough that despite technically still being fully human (just with very advanced cybernetics) she's still very much the maladjusted violent ball of anger and jealousy she is in canon. sonic and co literally thought she was just a very humanoid killer robot for years. like, up until heroes. but no it’s just severe trauma.

she does however have more hobbies than torturing small animals! she's fond of liveleak.com, licking batteries until she's electrocuted (her modifications prevent her from being seriously injured), and inventing weaponry. she eventually picks up some less… concerning hobbies after a bit of therapy and spending time with sonic and co. (she particularly enjoys fashion and, surprisingly enough, animal crossing).

she mostly resembles her father (her biological mother was specifically picked so that’d be the case, along with many other stringent requirements) but she looks close enough to maria robotnik that she Constantly freaks shadow out. especially bc she is again very sickly and probably will die young bc of the complications with replacing half of her body including her brain with cybernetics made by an eleven year old. she exploits this to experiment on him when she’s bored. she’s not as familiar with biological sciences as robotics but she does kinda want to Not Die and unethical experimentation on the immortal ultimate life form helps.

yes, her nine year old pre-cybernetics appearance is deliberately meant to look a little like alex kidd with the messy hair and pallet. bc she’s neglected in favour of sonic. why not.

[thegratefulsouth]

TBOC thoughts feelings questions reelings

This is kind of a placeholder post before I do my rewatch of DD S1, gathering things to look out for. I'm trying to find my thoughts! The things I'm missing. Little bit on Isabelle.

The most recent trailer. I know there are differing opinions over whether it is Carol or Isabelle asking Daryl to tell her a story.

All my thoughts are hinged on not really knowing what does and what does not have a deeper meaning or connection to Caryl (the boats), which is distracting, so I'm going to ignore that and just delve in.

"Tell me a story."

My thoughts go straight to Carol in Alexandria, and her reasoning that, "these people are children, and children like stories."

And Isabelle is infantile within her manipulation. She's perfectly capable of looking after herself, in the way Carol learned to. Isabelle doesn't seem to want to do that though? Not when Daryl's around. Gotta rewatch.

This is at a time when Daryl's mind is still buzzing with Carol saying, "You never have to worry about me, Daryl."

Leading into TBOC, I don't have any concerns about Caryl's feelings for each other or their loyalty. But I am prepping for an emotional journey with a Nun who recklessly lies, who could potentially feel threatened, who could not necessarily cause harm, but could maybe not intervene if it was needed. All in order to benefit herself, what she wants, despite how this might affect someone she seems to care about. That's what I see! It could be interesting. Or it could all just be a hinge. Like all the boats. I really wanted the boats to mean something.

Further referencing stories, Daryl says to Isabelle (in 1x06), "This has always been the story, ever since I washed ashore here." Cementing that his motivation to return home has never wavered.

The family thing? The promise? Home?

The promise is another hinge. Daryl knows something is up with Carol. "You sure you're ok?" She misses you, Daryl. You're not there. She needs you!

"I'll be back in about a week, I promise."

This promise is mostly used to propel Daryl's story, like he needs to return because he made a promise. (Not just because he wants to go home). There are other promises being made around this, to get to the nest, anything related to the ultimate goal of Daryl fulfilling his own promise to Carol (his happy ending).

This promise carries more weight than, "it's not like we're never gonna see each other again." It's in the same vein as, "I wish you were coming with me." In their radio call, the line cuts out, so there's no way of knowing how they might have said goodbye to each other.

So, what I think, and stay with me, is that everytime Daryl talks about the promise he made, he's just basically saying that he loves Carol. No, this is going to make my rewatch so fun, let me have this! I can't remember so much of this show I swear.

I mentioned in my DD overall thoughts, that some things are too painful to say (eg, Carol's name over Connie's in the name drop, IMHO). It's easier for Daryl to say that he made a promise, or that he has family back home, and also, nothing with unsaid looks, than it is for him to say that he left the love of his life, and he promised (loves) her, and he needs her.

"He is the the only family I have left."

This is a tying thread for me, this family thing.

Daryl says, "I got family waiting for me back home."

I have 3 points:

1. Carol is trying to convince someone to help her get to Daryl? She's trying to make her case as convincing as possible, really sell that thing with butter and icing.

2. There may be others at the Commonwealth Carol could consider family. Like who though? Ezekiel and Jerry are friends, but family is under the skin. Family was that core group. The kids aren't going to provide her with that companionship she longs for. I'm not sure on the timeline if Rick and Michonne are back yet. But my point is, Carol's happy ending is not going home to an empty apartment, she doesn't want to be alone, she tells Daryl he never needs to worry about her, with the commitment of someone who made dinner plans when they were feeling social and energetic, and now she's home in her pyjamas, and Daryl hears straight through it.

3. When Carol dreams, she dreams of Daryl and Henry. I think it's reasonable to suggest that in her mind, the notion of a nuclear family springs, and in that, Daryl is really the only family she has left. This is the empty apartment thing again, but I like having 3 points. It makes sense to me. She is his home, she is his promise, she is his family. And he is hers.

There is annoyingly a fair bit of discussion about maybe Daryl realising that he actually belongs where he doesn't belong, and that his home is somewhere else, like in France, away from his family. This is irritating because Daryl completely ignores this line of thought, instead of just shutting it down. But, also, Daryl completely ignores this line of thought, and the only thing he says of that notion, to Isabelle, at the nest, is:

"I kinda like it here. Yeah. It kind of grows on you. Feels like home."

But he says this as he's getting ready to leave Isabelle, and more significantly, Laurent, in this place, which feels homey. He's reassuring himself that he's doing the right thing by these new clingy folk who like to pull at his saviour complex heartstrings. Daryl is happy, his boat is coming in. He spends a significant amount of time staring out the window during this scene, where I'm wondering if the ocean is? It's an island right. Where the boats sometimes are? Cause the boat is his path home. The point is, he's not entirely present in this moment. Not with Isabelle and her wound.

And the very last thing he says on the matter is, "And this place feels like home to you, and I truly hope it is for both of you. But I have my own home to get back to."

Lastly, I love Caryl. I already have more than I need from this beautiful pair. But these characters deserve to be happy. They want what they want, I tell you.

[bleach-boyz]

Chapter 4: Jackasses

prev. // next

Almost the entirety of the year 2000 was spent filming stunt after stunt for Jackass. MTV had decided to produce and air three seasons pretty much back-to-back, starting in October of that year. That meant that you all needed to make an enormous amount of content extremely quickly. Beyond just being contractually obligated to, you filmed so much because you wanted to ensure that you’d all make it into the show as often as possible. You knew the producers were getting footage from a few different sources, which meant there was a lot that ultimately couldn’t be used. You wanted to make sure that what you were filming was good enough to make it into the show.

You were behind the camera a lot of the time when filming, but you would sometimes participate in the stunts where the main point was just to watch someone get hurt. You were often filmed attempting and failing to do something on a skateboard or simply slamming yourself into something hard. You almost never got genuinely hurt, and it became a bit of a joke how indestructible you were.

Pain was never an issue for you, and you’d much rather take a bump than be involved in any pranks or gross-out stunts. At some point the boys caught on to how much you didn't like vomit so whenever they would puke during a stunt, which was happening more and more frequently, they’d intentionally get close to you to make you upset. This torture did inevitably work over time to desensitize you to it, though.

The release and subsequent popularity of the Jackass show were the final push needed to skyrocket Bam to a new level of fame. 2001 brought both his Element Skateboards partnership and his introduction into the Tony Hawk Pro Skater games, which, in combination with Jackass and the CKY films, had him raking in an absurd amount of money. Bam’s life had become a ball of chaos, and you and the crew were just along for the ride. He’d constantly fly you all out with him to different appearances he had to make for his skate merch or Jackass, and you got to see places you’d never seen before. 

By the end of its first season, Jackass was officially a cultural phenomenon. Besides Bam, Ryan and Dico over time became the most popular and recognized member of the CKY crew due to being the stars of some of the most memorable stunts and skits that made it into the show. This meant them and Bam were asked to come to L.A. to shoot more often with the rest of the reoccurring cast as the seasons progressed. The rest of you were definitely less famous but still acknowledged constantly as "the CKY crew" or "Bam’s crew" by the public, especially in West Chester. West Chester wasn’t a very big town, so everyone and their mother knew about the kids that "made it big" with a Hollywood TV show. 

You basically never had to pay for your own drinks at the local bars anymore, and you’d also noticed that the dudes were starting to get a lot more attention from women than they ever had before. You resented that part a little bit. You knew those dumbasses didn’t deserve having so many beautiful women around them, mostly because of their inability to be humble about it. You didn’t say anything though, since you were also getting extra attention from men and occasionally women, and you didn’t want to appear hypocritical.

After your breakup, you started sleeping around a little bit with those random people who’d approach you. You’d never been particularly interested in one-night stands before, but you thought you’d try them out in an attempt to get over Chad. You couldn’t really tell if it helped, but it was still fun in the meantime. You weren’t shy about your behavior, but early on you decided to keep any hookups with women on the low. You knew that, unfortunately, your friends would only have straight guy fetishizing nonsense to say about it if they found out, so you mainly confided in Jenn with the details. 

Sometime in early 2001, while the show’s second season was airing, a senator started a campaign against Jackass, claiming MTV was responsible for helping parents protect their kids or some bullshit. It was their persistent and ruthless attack, in combination with a few copycat incidents, that led to MTV caving and canceling the show after its first three seasons. 

Of course, the entire cast and crew were extremely frustrated by this, and you became a bit worried over what this would mean for all of you career-wise. Bam would obviously be okay, but for the show to be cancelled barely a year after it started, that could be bad for the rest of you. 

Luckily, you got word soon after the cancellation that perhaps the most important project any of you would ever work on was greenlit and would begin its filming as soon as possible—Jackass: The Movie. 

The Jackass movie was especially important to you because Jeff and Spike, after some begging from your end, were allowing you to be one of the assistant directors. Your duties mainly included creating the schedule, being the go-between person for the cast and different crews, and just basically helping Jeff with anything he needed. This meant that you were there every shooting day and got to spend a lot more time around the Jackass cast members that you’d barely interacted with before. 

Every member of the Jackass cast was a big character in their own right, and that created a high-energy and often unhinged environment. They were all really nice, but everyone was also constantly trying to fuck with each other, and even though you were rarely a target, you still had to keep your guard up. Especially when you were around Steve-O and Pontius. 

You'd become close with those two over the course of shooting. At first, you just found them entertaining and good company when getting fucked up, but as you spent more time with them, you really started to care for them. You cared for all the cast and crew, of course, but you'd had a hard time moving past a friendly coworker relationship with most of them. Steve-O and Pontius had instantly pierced through that, and they felt like your brothers in the way that the CKY crew did. That didn't mean they weren't dicks, though. Your close friendship ultimately just meant they felt comfortable messing with you. 

Bam and Ryan were the only members of the CKY crew that were official members of the Jackass cast, but Raab and Dico both managed to get one stunt in the movie. Although their involvement in the film was less than that of the show, the two and Rake didn’t seem to have much of a problem with it. With the extra time they were all able to dedicate themselves more to the continuing CKY film series.

You were in the peanut gallery for a few of the stunts in the Jackass movie, but you weren’t tasked with any stunts yourself due to being busy with assistant director responsibilities. The only thing that you filmed was an alternate take of the "Off Road Tattoo" stunt. Steve-O had been running late that day for some reason, and when it looked like he might not show up, Jeff asked if you’d consider doing it instead. It had originally been your idea, after all. After maybe five minutes of contemplation, you agreed. You’d been getting a lot of tattoos lately anyway, and you weren’t the type to regret something stupid and fun like that. 

The tattoo artist gave you pretty much the exact same fucked-up smiley face that Steve-O got when he finally arrived to set; only yours didn’t make it in the movie. You were only slightly irritated by that, but you knew that there would be no reason to show the same stunt twice. Also, Steve-O was absolutely a more entertaining presence on screen than you. Jeff promised your cut would end up in the extras included in the eventual DVD release of the movie.  

By far the most rewarding and fun time you had filming was in Japan. You’d never been out of the country before, and to go somewhere so beautiful and different was very exciting. When you weren’t filming, you spent a lot of time alone wandering around different parts of Tokyo, trying to experience the culture and everything it had to offer. 

Just because you were in a different country, though, didn’t mean that the partying would stop. You were still getting dragged out to bars every night with the rest of the cast and crew, immersing yourself in the Tokyo nightlife. However, it was one of the more uneventful nights that you remember the most.

-

A bunch of the guys had insisted you all go to this burlesque strip club up the street from your hotel after you finished dinner. You weren’t particularly interested, but you felt like getting drunk, and it wasn’t like watching attractive women dance would be hard for you. 

When you arrive, you go straight to the bar with Pontius and Dave while the other members of the cast and crew try to find a place to sit. You three collectively buy a round of beers for everyone and head back over to pass them out to the group. They all had to spread out a bit due to there not being a spot big enough for everyone to sit together, and you set your beer down at a table with Ryan, Bam, Steve-O, and Chris. Before sitting down yourself, though, you decide to go back to the bar and take a couple shots. You could handle your alcohol pretty well, and the atmosphere of the club was making you kind of anxious, so you thought you’d push yourself a little faster toward your desired level of drunkenness. 

"What are you havin?" Knoxville asks as he comes up behind you. 

"Not entirely sure; I just kinda yelled "two whiskeys" so.." 

The bartender comes back with two mystery whiskey shots for you, and Johnny asks for two more for himself. When he receives them, he thanks the bartender with some weak Japanese vocabulary and pays for all four shots. 

"Loaded with MTV money? Or is this just your Southern hospitality?" You ask, and he chuckles. 

"I can’t help being a gentleman." He says, and you both cheers, throw back the shots, and head back to your respective tables. 

Pontius secretly paid a dancer to go give Dave a lap dance, which made you all die of laughter as you could tell he was both delighted and stressed out by the situation. Besides that, no one was really jumping at the opportunity to interact with any of the dancers, and you found it quite funny how awkward everyone seemed about it. It made you wonder why anyone wanted to come there in the first place. 

Bam later pulls out his wallet and asks if he can buy you a dance, to which you decline. 

"Why? You’ve slept with women, right? I thought you’d enjoy it." He says with a smug look on his face, and your eyebrows furrow. You know you’ve never told Bam about any of that, so you assume that Jenn must have let it slip at some point. It’s obvious Bam is just bringing it up now publicly to be a little shit. 

"Wait, you have?" Ryan asks, surprised. 

"No way, dude." Steve-O says. 

"Hubba hubba." Pontius jokes. 

"God dammit, Bam.. I mean, yes, but it’s not anyone’s business." You respond, and all the guys start clamoring over the realization. 

"How many times?" Ryan prods, and you start to get out of your chair. 

"Wait, so you’re a lesbian? I think I owe someone five dollars." Steve-O says. 

"I’m going to the bathroom." You say and leave before any of them can think of another dumb thing to ask or say. 

Once you come back, it seems like everyone is ready to head out, despite only being there for an hour. Most of you just go back to the bar in the hotel and continue drinking, chatting, and messing around with each other there. 

"No, seriously, which is better, sex with men or women?" Steve-O asks after a couple hours, trying to bring the conversation back to where it was earlier. 

"There’s no way it’s better with men. We’re slobs, brutes, slaves to our desires." Pontius says, and you laugh, feeling a little more open to talking about it now that you’re drunker. 

"It really depends," you say. 

"Shit, you’ve probably made more women cum than any of us." Steve-O jokes. 

"Certainly more than you, Steve." Knoxville says as he walks up next to him, one hand behind his back. 

"I’m going to bed, children." He continues and goes to shake Steve-O’s hand, but as he does, he pulls his other hand out from behind his back and attaches a mouse trap to Steve-O’s fingers. Steve-O screams, and the rest of you let out some loud, drunken laughter. 

"Fuck!" Steve-O exclaims as he slowly pulls the trap off his fingers. Knoxville, dying of laughter, pats him on the shoulder. 

"Okay, okay, now I’m actually going to bed. Goodnight ladies." Johnny says as he heads off to his room. 

"What an asshole." Steve-O says as he calms down. 

"Man, what time is it anyway?" Pontius asks, and Bam checks his watch. 

"11:52," he says. 

"Damn, it’s not even late; we’re so boring tonight." Pontius responds. 

"I’m gonna go to the convenience store down the street and get some snacks.." you say as you stand up and see that the hotel bar is starting to close down, "and beer." 

"I’ll go with ya." Ryan says as he gets up too. 

"Why don’t you just meet us up in Steve-O’s room once you’re back?" Bam says, and you nod and head out with Ryan. 

As soon as you two head out, you hand him a cigarette and pull out your own. This was routine anytime you two were outside together. 

You go to light yours, and then light Ryan’s. "Thanks." He says, and you look him in the eyes for what feels like the first time tonight. 

Ever since that revealing conversation you had with Ryan around a year and a half ago, you were slowly becoming more endeared by everything he did. His little jokes, his laugh, the way he’d subtly take care of you—you really just liked being around him. You'd also started confiding in each other more often. You loved everyone in the CKY crew, but Dico was the only one you'd ever really been able to trust with any personal information. You knew everyone cared for you in their own way, they just had a hard time taking anything seriously; everything became a joke. That's why it meant all the more to you that your friendship with Ryan was becoming more emotionally intimate.

You’d been avoiding admitting to yourself that you’d developed any sort of feelings for him, mostly because he was still on and off with the same girlfriend. Over time, it had become obvious that the two had lots of problems, and Ryan would catch a lot of shit for it. You genuinely did think it was a relationship that Ryan needed to get out of, but you didn’t want to say anything knowing that you had a bit of an ulterior motive. He was pretty whipped for her anyway, so even if they did break up, you knew he’d be upset for a while. In the meantime, you are just going to have to keep pushing down any feelings you have towards him. It sucks, but you hope one day you'll be able to push hard enough for the feelings to go away for good.

"How’re you feeling?" You ask as you both start walking towards the convenience store. You try to keep your eyes on the sidewalk to make sure you don’t stumble or trip over anything. 

"Drunk." He says point blankly.

"Right. Same." You say and feel a little awkward for asking that question. Luckily, Ryan chuckles a little bit, and it defuses the tension. 

"How are things going with your girlfriend?" You ask suggestively. Normally, you wouldn’t dive into this subject so soon in conversation, usually afraid the real reason behind such a question would reveal itself. However, you have far less tact and control over the things you say when drinking. It’s only sometimes a problem. 

"Oh, she broke up with me right before we flew here." He says, and you raise your eyebrows. Historically, the two breaking up just meant there would be a couple weeks of turmoil and anger on Ryan’s end before they’d inevitably get back together. Though, Ryan had been acting surprisingly chill this whole trip so far. At least in the times you’d seen him. 

"Do you think it’s actually over this time?" You ask, and Ryan sighs. 

"Yeah… I think so. I don’t know... I usually just chase her and wear her down until she agrees to get back with me, but I'm not sure I can do that anymore. It's exhausting." He says, slurring a little bit, but you can tell from the tone of his voice that he might really believe what he’s saying. 

"Bam says I gotta get with someone else so I can finally get over her." He continues, and you hold your breath for a second. 

"That might be a good idea." You say as casually as you can. 

"Is that what you did when you broke up with Chad?" He asks you, and you side-eye him. 

"Yeah… kinda. Well, I haven’t really dated anyone since then, but hooking up with people sorta helped. I think the main factor in getting over it is time." You say as you two approach the front of the store. You throw your cigarette on the ground and stomp it out. Ryan does the same. 

"So hooking up with girls helped you?" Ryan jokes as he pulls open the door and holds it for you. You roll your eyes and walk inside. 

"This is exactly the reason why I never told anyone; I knew you’d all have some bullshit to say." You complain and then trip over nothing as you turn into an aisle. Thankfully, you catch yourself, and Ryan laughs a little too loud for how quiet the store is. 

"I’m sorry, I’m a guy. How is the thought of two hot chicks hooking up not supposed to excite me?" He joins you in front of the beer. You reach inside the fridge and pull out a 12-pack of the cheapest. 

"Oh, so you think I’m hot then?" You ask mischievously. He stares at you and smiles. 

"Duh… I mean, well, a lot of the dudes do." He says, and you furrow your brows. 

"They do?" You ask and head towards the instant noodles.

"Yeah, like Steve-O, Pontius... I’m also pretty sure I even heard Jeff say something once." He says. You feel satisfied and giddy over Ryan admitting he found you hot, but you wish he hadn’t tried to deflect from it by bringing up the others. 

"Steve-O and Pontius will fuck anything with a pulse." You state as you grab a couple of the spicy chicken noodles. 

"I mean, you’re right, but still..." He says, and you decide to drop it for now as you head towards the cashier. You'll have plenty of time to overthink his statement later.

"Are you not getting anything?" You ask, and Ryan’s mouth falls open. 

"Right." He goes off to another aisle, and you pay for the noodles and beer. You can hear the sound of things falling off their shelves, and you give the cashier an apologetic look. 

Ryan comes back with a few bags of chips and candy. 

"You like the ones with the potato guy on them, right?" He asks and holds up a bag of Calbee chips. You smile and nod. Once he pays for everything, you’re on your way. 

You get back to the hotel and head up to Steve-O’s room like instructed. 

When Steve-O opens the door, you and Ryan wade through empty beer cans and a few whippet chargers to get into the room and see Pontius and Bam hanging out on the bed. 

"I hope you’re tipping your housekeepers well, Steve-O." Ryan says as you both put down your bags. Steve-O laughs as he goes through your bags and grabs a beer and a bag of chips. 

"I can't believe you two aren’t loitering around the local bars preying on desperate women." You say to Steve-O and Pontius as you grab one of the cups of noodles and fill it with water. You meant the comment not as a judgment but as a genuine expression of surprise. Lately, Steve-O and Pontius were getting with different women almost every night, but you hadn’t seen that behavior as much in the last week. 

"Our charms aren’t exactly appreciated by the ladies of Tokyo." Pontius says. 

"They aren’t appreciated by any ladies anywhere." Bam jokes, and you laugh as you put your noodles in the microwave. 

"Why don’t you two just give it up and touch each other?" You ask, and Steve-O and Pontius stare at each other for a second and smile like they know something you don’t. 

"Nahhh. He’s not my type." Steve-O giggles. 

You spend the next hour and a half drinking and fucking around a bit more, but you personally are at the point where more beer was just going to make you more tired. The most eventful thing that happens is when Steve-O manages to get into Knoxville’s room and pee in his suitcase as revenge for the mouse trap earlier. Other than that, you'd say it's been a relatively chill night, which you sometimes prefer to the usual partying because it allows you to get to know and bond with the cast and crew better. 

After you say your goodbyes, Ryan walks with you back to your room, citing needing his hat back that you borrowed earlier that week as the reason. This reasoning is suspicious, but you disregard it as drunk Ryan logic.

He follows you inside your suite, hands in his pockets, as you grab the black baseball cap. 

When you hand it to him, your fingers touch and you look into his eyes. It is at this moment, drunk and exhausted, that you know you can't push it down any more.

There had been nothing particularly special about that night so far; you’d spent the majority of it with other people, not even sitting next to each other. Maybe it was how rosy his cheeks were in the night air or the way your shoulders brushed past each other when you were walking outside earlier. Maybe it was how he held the door open for you at the store and remembered what kind of chips you like. Maybe it's the way the sleeves of his new jacket are too long on him or the way he's biting his lip right now. You don't know, but standing here together now, you give up. 

You like Ryan, maybe a lot. This past year and a half, you’d been able to mostly suppress any feelings you had, leading to months where you didn’t even think about it, only for him to smile or say something that would bring those feelings back stronger. You’d been so forceful, doing your best to control the uncontrollable, but you understand now that you can't will it away. You need to deal with it.

The room is quiet—too quiet. You stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, but in reality, it is probably only a few seconds. You swear you see his eyes dart to your lips. 

It would be so easy to kiss him now and push him onto the bed—make him understand the way he makes you feel. It would be so easy, but you care too much about him to do that. He’d just been broken up with, and even though it had been building for a while, you know that it has to be affecting him deeply. If he had made a move on you that day after you and Chad broke up, you might have reciprocated, but you also would have ended up resenting him for it. It’s not fair to dangle that promise of intimacy and comfort in front of somebody who just lost it. It would taking advantage of them.

So you wait for him to say or do something, anything. After a moment, he says "thank you", pulls his hand away, and yawns, looking at his watch. 

"What time do we have to shoot tomorrow?" He asks you, and you snap out of your daze. He puts on his hat and gives you a small smile.

"11," you say as you look at the clock on the bedside table. It’s almost 2:30. 

"Not bad… alright goodnight!" He says cheerfully and leaves. 

Just like that, he’s gone. He left, like tonight was any other night. You well up with emotion, the feeling of dread reigning above all. Dread that finally accepting your sentiments about Ryan will only lead to your torture. That he may never be able to reciprocate, that you’ll spend too much time obsessing over something that will never be. You know you're being dramatic, but you can't stop the thoughts from racing through your head.

You sit down on your bed and rub your eyes, drained.

What the hell were you going to do now?

————————

Idk if I like this chapter lol. Sometimes this story just feels like a Wikipedia article. I realize I set myself up for it to be like that since I started so early in the timeline- I just hope y’all appreciate a slow burn. I promise I’m gonna be picking up the pace though.

ALSO lmk if you wanna get tagged when I post new chapters 🤔 next one is gonna be about Haggard

[eyedove]

alright whats up fuckers get timelined.

you want your deep taagnus fankid lore, this might be the only spot ya get it for a while. also included: a little on lup's first kid, a LOT on taako having a bad time in general, some relationship details btwn taako and magnus past and present, casey character development to follow it up, and then a little bit on the twins. the, like, little twins, i mean. the ones that taako and magnus have.

warnings for taako’s general, like, everything: identity crisis, his issues socializing, loneliness, depression, gender dysphoria (weirdly enough, not pregnancy related), his experience with chronic pain, and later being diagnosed with a connective tissue disorder, which in itself is not a trigger warning but moreso his dealing with it is not particularly healthy and could be sort of self-harm-y in a way. and for magnus: his RSD is mentioned, his self-worth issues are alluded to, mentions of past self harm, he gets very emotional about family planning in regards to past relationships, his death is eventually mentioned but isn’t part of the timeline nor is it gone in depth on.

in general they’re also just… taako and magnus. they’re kind of shitty guys and kind of immature and kind of fucked up. they’re good to their kids, they’re just still, y’know. taako and magnus.

i can not stress enough, pregnancy and issues relating to this. difficulties conceiving and postpartum depression are IN. HERE. everything turns out and everyone involved is perfectly fine, it just takes some time to get there and it’s a rough road, but they ultimately end up doing it twice and they’re both pretty firmly in the camp of it being worth it.

anything else that needs to be mentioned please let me know holy shit and i’ll exercise my best judgment, cus i know some of it might be wild to read, but i want to get triggers down for the most part. stuff that’s not triggering, like… oops, sorry, but. it’s taagnus mpreg what do you WANT FROM ME. if i listed everything that people might not like it would just be another 6k words.

basics:

lup’s first kid, missy, is about 5 years older than casey, who was carried by taako, and is about 3½ years older than elodie, who’s a few minutes older than rian, both of which were carried by magnus.

tl;dr coming soon. and by tl;dr i mean a shorter version that’s been picked through and had all of the bullshit unnecessary garbage taken out. :)

timeline:

- after story & song magnus and taako do not talk for like a year. it’s rough. they correspond a little, magnus sends him funny good things he finds like fuckin. silly chainmail messages and pictures of stuff he thinks taako might like, but he’s trying his best not to overstep any boundaries. taako has not actually established these boundaries. magnus has just sort of assumed them. unfortunately, taako is not a guy who goes out of his way to go to magnus’ place of residence and yell at him.

- but he doesn’t keep it up forever. he does go fucking find magnus. and he does go yell at him. and magnus does kind of have a fit about it. but it’s fine. it’s taako, and he also knows that getting down here was probably. a hell of a lot. and he does appreciate it.

- they immediately click though. because of course they do. and a year and change is a long time for them to go without each other while also actively knowing that they’ve gone without each other. it’s weird. taako one minute is living in lup’s empty ass house because she’s at work and kravitz is at work and he hates everyone who has any time to spend with him, and then the next, he and magnus are picking out like. the color of the accent wall in the livingroom. what kind of flooring should be in the hallways. (magnus wants hardwood, taako refuses to go with anything except shag. carpeting.)

- it’s sort of nice! taako stays a homebody but he’s not completely disconnected. weirdly enough, he sees more of lup. and kravitz. and barry and merle and davenport and everyone. mostly because he doesn’t avoid outings as much. and because he starts going to parties. and goes fishing with davenport. and gets all of his and magnus’ weed from merle that he felt too fucking sick to sit home alone and smoke himself. magnus still has like, a business to run. and taako kind of does, too, sort of, even though he’s been really fucking that up recently and taking a huge backseat on accident.

- anyway, they settle. taako’s doing okay. magnus is doing okay. they had already decided years and years and years ago they weren’t gonna get married and EXTRA aren’t gonna now. magnus doesn’t want to get married again. taako hates it as a concept. it’s complicated. but they’re together. it’s semi-open. taako occasionally sleeps with other people. rarely. listen, he barely goes out, let alone fucks around, and magnus knows it.

- lup has missy like 2 yrs after taako moves out. which does mean that she got pregnant only like a year after he left (elven gestation w/ their slow ass metabolisms), which he’s a little peeved about, but whatever, he gets it. he’s happy for her. he’s not as absolutely gutted as he thought he’d be if it ever happened. is he numb? he can't tell.

- turns out he's… not? maybe? yes, taako being dissociated and numb usually results in being a little more blase about stuff than hed normally be, but he feels. in it. he has an attachment that he's used to having, because it's lup, and it feels almost natural again. almost? there is no way he's picking this feeling apart. they will remain complicated forever because a child is definitely not something that he has to confront (all lies he knows he knows better.)

- weird concept: so how about confront it?

- taako is weirded out by this Thing. lup’s proud of it, though, and magnus is immediately and irreparably damaged by holding this baby, taako can see it in his stupid face, the way he just fucking. grins. and tears up and holds this thing so gently. lup is looking at taako like do not let this guy squish my baby, i’ll kill you, and taako’s just thinking the whole time, yeah, i get it, but like. fucking look at him.

- anyway rightfully she doesn’t let magnus hold the thing for more than like ten minutes before she wants it back but it’s fine - they all relax, taako worries about something else for a change, gets his heart ripped out of his body still beating by this thing crying, everything’s good.

- and now he’s obsessed. partly just with missy, lup’s baby, because she’s hilarious and she’s cute, and she literally just keeps getting FUCKING cuter, but partly with the idea of. baby. like. he could have one of those. he’s got everything for it. like, a house, and a boyfriend, and… financial stability. emotional stability? yeah, man! like, he’s super getting there, isn’t he?!

- he and magnus talk one night. taakos literally sat on his chest over the top of him and starts asking him abt this fucking coffee table lup bought when she first moved into her house, and magnus is like oh yeah, i like that thing, it’s really cool, i kinda wanna make one just like it, but it feels like it’d be copying, at this point. and taako’s like holy shit EXACTLY. exactly correct. but what if we did anyway. just, like, in our own. way. y’know? it’d be different if we did it. we could handle it. we have space for it. if we both worked on it maybe we could like. take care of it. sides, it’d be nice to just. have more shit that has some of you. in it. that will last a long time. so i don’t have to like, go out and replace it later, and i… know that it’s from you, and everything, y’know.

- anyway they keep having this conversation. like, every day, taako brings this up. talks about hey, listen, i know that this is uncharacteristic. you gotta take me seriously here, though. i’m so serious. and magnus is like… serious about… buying a coffee table? and taako’s like NO. i mean maybe, if the conversation must go in that. direction. later, but we’re fucking. capable, are we not?? of doing it ourselves? or we should at least find out?

- eventually magnus asks him, hey, are we… talking about… the kind of coffee table. that you and me, have, uh, tried to make. before? and taako goes LOL, tried?! no. we’ve never had the time or resources to get it like, anywhere near a real project. pal, have we maybe accidentally started on it, and then had that shit totally made useless like every other bodily state ever over and over for ninety nine years? i genuinely dunno man, if we have, that’s between our respective guts, the coffee table, and god only. and magnus just goes ohh. so we are definitely talking about the same thing. okay. oh wow.

- they decide they want one! theyll fucking. build a damn. coffee table. okay.

- and so they start! and they work on it! and they fucking! try! they do eventually get to the point where they can say aloud that they’re trying for a baby. it takes an embarrassingly long time. they are not known for their healthy communication. but taako forces it out into the light eventually. he's okay with being silly about it on a basic level but listen, someone has to rein magnus in a little bit on that. a little. (magnus actually hadn't expected taako to go for it, calling what they're doing having kids, so it's a huge surprise and an extremely positive one, because as much as he's stalwart in the idea of honoring the concept, he also kinda gets it.)

- they don't tell people at first. this is entirely because they KNOW people will be weird about it. but the moment he needs someone to complain to he tells lup and then it quickly gets around elsewhere - which. fairly, most people are kind of skeptical. it’s taako. taako? child? lup, though, kinda knows. she still has early adulthood memories of conversations complaining about the world and guys devolving into if i ever have kids... and how early on taako did show interest. how it kind of became a thing he stopped talking about over the decades. she believes him. and her believing him makes it easier for everyone else to kind of fall into place about it.

- and taako has a few freakouts. a couple total meltdowns. but they got it. they get it, after almost two years. they get it down, and both of them flip their absolute FUCKING lids but taako way moreso than magnus was expecting in any way shape or form. yeah, it was taakos idea. yeah, its taako whos carrying, so hes probably way excited about it. he just didnt expect such an explosive reaction out of him. given that he's, y'know. taako.

- literally every problem taakos ever had becomes an issue. his bullshit tolerance is now: none. his energy level is now: none. his heat tolerance is now: none. his blood pressure is now: none. his ability to cook and feed himself is now: uhh, very little. which that second thing is not super abnormal, but the first one kinda sucks more than usual. this also peaks right in the middle of summer. hes convinced hes dying. (hes not. they absolutely make sure hes not.)

- he DOES like having a good excuse to make everyone else do everything for him. not a huge fan of the genuine doting, but having someone on call for a bucket any time any where is a power he didnt know he wanted. he doesnt use it genuinely very often, but magnus is GREAT at coming when called, and thats funny.

- they pointedly do not know the sex. it is partly performative. it is partly because taako is in the THICK of a gender crisis (had been before he got pregnant even, it hasn't gotten particularly worse, but it's still there) and if someone in his life found out and started prescribing shit even on accident or coincidentally based on the thing's genitalia he'd fucking lose his shit, so they just don't know, they're not gonna know, it's not a big deal, leave him alone.

- taakos naturally a toe walker. not abnormal for elves from the two sunned plane. their feet are just built for it. he manages to maintain this for a little while. he's always fluctuated in weight, he's fine - but his balance does indeed get so bad, even with his tail, that he has to start walking on his whole foot so he doesn't lean forward.

- this makes him like four inches shorter than usual. this makes him like five inches shorter than magnus. this makes him SHORTER THAN LUP. and he fucking. despises it. he's still taller than magnus BARELY when he has his ears straight up but this is all he has, and those ears rarely stand up for any long amount of time without extreme effort. they’re HEAVY.

- it does make magnus hugs nice though. magnus won't bearhug him + break his back anymore for the time being, which he misses, but he gets to stuff his face into magnus' chest. which he likes. hes starting to think MAYBE. maybe after he has this baby he MIGHT occasionally get down on his heels just so he can do this. SOMETIMES. but only around select people. there are only a handful of chests hes cool with being smothered in. magnus definitely tops this list.

- it fucking HURTS his HEELS. fuck his ankles or whatever, his heels!!!! he's not used to putting any weight on them. theyre bruised and blistery and he hates it. magnus will now be carrying him forever. (he says this but ends up being the most hermited motherfucker of all time, worse than taako's normal, which is not good, but whatever. people like to come over to HIS HOME and BOTHER HIM, so he doesnt need to go to functions he can't drink or smoke at anyway).

- he is, however, feeling really fucking good about how fucking AWESOME he is, currently. like, one, everyone had to admit that he’s taking things super super well, and two, he’s being SO open right now. he’s being so chill. he’s being communicative, he’s being honest. he’s not being NICE because that’s just not on the table for taako, but he’s kind of enjoying having a good excuse to be a little more snuggly. a little more needy. sometimes. when he’s not so pissed off he could scream.

- magnus is a fucking. wreck. hes good! hes doing good! but hes crying ALL the TIME. and its PISSING taako off slowly more and more. he knows its just because hes worried or overwhelmed or whatever. who cares. its annoying. he is nice though. maybe the nicest hes ever been to taako. there are a significant number of people who are being nice to him, actually, which is hilarious, and also extremely frustrating. LUP. even lup wont fuck with him in the same way. he has to keep pressing her buttons harder and harder to get her to react. HOWEVER: one person is still ready to pick on him.

- lup's 5 y/o daughter. is RELENTLESS. and honest to god one of the most stable and delightful things throughout the whole pregnancy. this kid has only the vaguest idea of what's going down, is extremely nice, but also compromises NO asks. if she wants him to make her breakfast she WILL cry about it. if she wants to play with his hair, she'll figure out how to do it, even if shes gotta ambush him. great tenacity on this girl.

- they have casey, their first kid, spring-ish? early spring. they have her at home. it sounds like a great idea at the time, and it turns out perfectly fine, but there is the ego barrier of describing to people the story of your firstborn child being PLANNED on being delivered by a lich and the grim reaper along with the boyfriend and then ending up getting stagefright. this is good, you might think, this means grubby corpsehands aren't on your newly born child! and you would be correct, instead it's just magnus, who is crying MORE than the baby and taako combined and it's FUCKING annoying, and lup's not even there to make it funnier. it's fine. it's like, bonding. and shit.

- shes small. smaller than taako would have thought and also would have hoped, and shes bald, and her ears are fucked up somehow, they dont have anything, like, in them to move them around or whatever it seems like, but maybe she'll grow into that. maybe that's fine. not a whole lot of info out there currently on babies who are half alien elf half alien human. so yknow. as long as she's eating and breathing and warm and clean they're pretty happy.

- taako can not let this thing go. magnus occasionally gets to hold her or feed her, but for her first nine/ten days, taako has her almost exclusively and wont put her down. he started sleeping later into his pregnancy because it required less effort than meditating (altho it takes more time), but hes back to it now, so he can keep this baby, who he has still not named btw!, in his arms and remain alert enough to sleep with her.

- two weeks. three weeks. she's FINALLY getting a little bigger. MAYBE taako can manage to have people over to see her in person instead of just showing photos. maybe. the amount of people that technically know about this kid's existence even is a ridiculously low number. the amount of people in the public that knew he was having a kid is most, since he made a statement about it, but the kid herself was never, like. announced. he just doesn't. want to share. at all.

- gets rough. gets really rough. having lup and missy over nearly kills him. he cant even let his TWIN SISTER hold his baby. what the fuck is wrong with him? what is wrong with their relationship? why does he feel like it somehow makes him a better parent when it does not? why has he lost all control of what emotional stability he had? he'd been worried he wouldn't be attached enough to her, that he'd fuckin, abandon her or whatever, and it's so nice that that fear was unwarranted that he doesn't want to confront that he's overcorrecting.

- missy gets to hold casey before lup does. and taako feels bad about it, kinda. BUT: she didn't technically hold the baby on her own, taako just held her while missy put her arms under her as well, but still. then lup. this was a few visits in. casey is still not technically named yet, but taako knows already. kinda.

- she gets her name by two months. it's not elven, like he and lup had, but it's got the same basic rules, which is a compromise he and magnus come up with. once she gets old enough, if she wants something else, she fuckin' names herself. if she wants something else for like. gender purposes, they'll deal with that when that comes up. for now she's casey. burnsides? maybe.

- she stays FUCKING BALD. taako can not get over it. he has hair. magnus is COVERED in it. why's she bald? why's she SO BALD?

- magnus is audhd and taako is autistic. they know that she's gonna probably not necessarily follow the average infant timeline. this turns out to be extremely true. she's very quiet. she makes noises, but even as she gets into multiple years of exposure, she doesn't speak common or elvish, except repeating certain phrases she's heard often (some of her favorites are calling magnus mean names and 'i don't want to', because the former makes her parents laugh and the latter makes uncomfortable situations resolve a lot of the times it's used).

- she also doesn't walk. ok, she kinda walks, she gets up on her feet and uses walls and objects to walk alongside them, or walks slowly with a leg to hold onto. she's very particular and delicate about her foot placement, but still ends up with her ankles out. magnus thinks she might be rolling them? but she seems okay? they get that checked out, though. definitely. make sure she's not in pain or anything. she ends up with some braces for her ankles and heel, but she's still more than a little pigeon toed.

- casey is a shy little thing. very observant. she likes watching people do things. literally anything. she will sit and watch taako cook, she likes to watch the aquarium, she likes to watch people write and draw and cast spells, she likes making other people play with her toys so she can watch. she sleeps with taako and magnus more often than not, either being held by taako while he meditates or lying between them on the mattress once she gets a little older.

- missy ADORES her. missy is a little upset that she doesn't like dressing up and having her hair played with, but she loves casey's dark red hair, thinks shes super cute, loves her floppy ears, just adores her. this is, to her, her baby sister, and taako and lup do nothing to dissuade that. basically are sisters, right? who cares. they live right next to each other, and see each other almost every day, since taako does a lot of watching them during the day now, which… admittedly, he's still working on, but he's got like 8 years of experience by now, three of those with his own baby, so he's. like, getting it. he's understanding it.

- this is around the time taako starts hiring out losers to watch the children (or child, sometimes just casey). ie he makes angus do it when possible, or alum he's still pals with from some of the first years of the school's establishing, or other family friends who are around. merle's off limits. as is she who shall not be MENTIONED in his household.

- with a tiny bit of time alone magnus and taako find out that … they want another kid. taako brings it up. another baby. oops. 

- again, taako brings it up, but magnus is fully on board. except… hold on not really: shit was ridiculously rough on taako specifically, and he’s really, really not excited to have taako go thru it again. which is fair. definitely in the top 100 shitty wild things that have happened to taako, if only for the relative novelty of it and how much it sticks in his memory (haw-haw), but like. he wouldn’t say it if he wasn’t willing to do it one more time. like, just once. he’s got it in the bag now, he knows what’s up. plus, he would not at all mind having like. a year off. of just being sick and hanging out with casey and missy. magnus is skeptical. their decision is easier this time, though, even with everything considered.

- they talk about it briefly but they’re pretty into the idea of magnus carrying, maybe. if they can get it to work. they had some fuckin issues last time, so, like. what if they start trying (stressful but cool), see if it sticks (lower amount of stress, more casual) and if it does that’s cool, and if it doesn’t, oops, must be something that’s not gonna happen? magnus is an older guy at this point, which was factored in but ultimately didn’t keep them from giving it a shot. once again they start trying without actually telling. anybody. except each other. mostly because it’s not set in stone.

- funnily enough? performing in this way specifically gives taako weird dysphoria. there’s also a little scene in which magnus, who’s been out as nonbinary for like, 15 years at this point, talks about how he’s totally cool with carrying a child, doesn’t bother him, he’s nonbinary, NOT that it’d be weird if a man did it, because you did it taako and that was fine, and that also makes taako squirm a little. he’s working on it. he’s spent so fucking long getting that like, femme in a masculine way thing down, why’s it bothering him now?? ugh.

- luckily, doesn’t take a whole lot of trying. unluckily, taako is a little annoyed that magnus gets pregnant so easily. whatever. he still gets his baby out of it. (yeah, casey is his baby, this baby is their baby, since he can’t claim it all himself, but it’s still definitely partly his, duh. casey is just his though.)

- angus starts doing babysitting stuff for casey. taako ALSO ends up getting his GODDAMN… joints checked out. fine. whatever. for casey, because she’s having issues with her joints too, obviously, and he can talk about how he feels slightly more than his mostly nonverbal toddler. he’s forced himself to be verbal over the fucking. centuries. so he gets it. he can handle maybe informing whatever genetic thing she’s fucking got, cus he’s kind of always known that lup doesn’t have nearly the same difficulty he does with chronic pain. so this is on him. this is on him now.

- taako gets himself a nonspecific hypermobility disorder diagnosis. so, like, sweet, i fuckin guess, he’s gone like 300 years without it. also, they don’t even have an actual name for it. thanks. feels awesome. after years and years of forcing it down, he’s forced to actually pay attention to the pain and it Fucking Sucks. not a project he thought he’d be starting on while magnus was pregnant, but whatever. it’s fine. life is FINE.

- magnus is actually faring really well. which is also jealousy-inducing in taako. anyway, magnus is sort of miserable about how low energy he is, suddenly, though, but that’s about the most of it, since his brain doesn’t slow down to match the pace of his body. not in the traditional sense, anyway. taako does not understand what he means by this because to him magnus is still bouncing off the walls. he is, however, a great source of humor at the time (as he fucking ALWAYS is, taako always finds him ridiculously stupidly too fucking funny for him to even be REAL, ugh).

- double appointment day. taako sends casey off with angus, and they’re gonna do… whatever they do. he’s given angus some free rein on what he does with the baby. he kinda trusts angus’ instinct. a little more than he did when casey was an infant, anyway. this is a decision he will eventually regret, because while he is getting the shit annoyed out of him by being quizzed on his pain and fitted for digitigrade AFOs he doesn’t want to use (the other braces recommended arent as bad since his like, fingers aren’t so different from most people’s, it’s just just feet and legs that need extra special shit) and then getting slammed with the major whammy of the fact that up until now magnus has been RIGHT: they’ve been missing a TWIN at past appts, and twins are now for sure confirmed. plus, angus is doing unspeakable things, ie he has been introducing casey to lucretia even though taako has said this should not be done at all. today, lucretia makes the mistake of seeing if taako has been teaching her elven sign language.

- magnus is beyond stoked, taako is torn between being excited and being extremely, outrageously jealous because if one of them was going to have twins, it should have been him, goddammit. but whatever. they tell the relevant parties: ie again it stays mostly under wraps except to really close family.

- casey continues seeing lucretia. it’s not a SECRET, it’s just not being said out loud to taako, exactly, is angus’ reasoning here. they both know that it’s going to get out eventually - and it happens sooner rather than later, for sure. what ends up breaking it wide open is one night taako is watching casey and she makes a motion at him that he’s absolutely certain at first is a sign, but it’s just mixed in with a bunch of other hand waving and other movements she’s prone to doing. so it can’t be. plus, he hasn’t been teaching her elven sign. nobody has, have they? So after she goes to bed, taako stands in front of magnus and makes the same series of movements - nonsense and all, and gets confirmation from magnus that it looks a lot like sign language, but magnus denies teaching it to her.

- lup also denies teaching it to her. lup and taako haven’t used it in tens of years, and when they aren’t using it, there isn’t a reason for the other birds to use it, given that it was mostly used for taako to communicate. plus, very few people on faerun use it, given that it’s a language that doesn’t even originate on the goddamn plane. she’s not learning it from angus, probably. probably? FUCK.

- taako confronts angus about it and he immediately folds and tells taako everything on lucretia’s behalf, because he knows it’s going to get rough if they have to be in the same room together. taako is. devastated. and angry. but angus explains to him that he’s always there, he makes a super good middle man, casey LOVES lucretia, they get along really well, she hasn’t been telling casey anything controversial. casey isn’t even old enough to like, get lucretia’s life story. she’s not getting lucretia propaganda, taako. but she has been um, maybe, using elven sign language, because they thought maybe you’d been trying that, too, because she hasn’t been verbal. Taako confirms he has NOT been, he hasn’t used it since cycle 99 started, because he had it fucking TAKEN from him, is the thing.

- but magnus also starts using it again. starts speaking in ESL to casey. taako gets mad about it, but he can’t deny that it’s much more comfortable for him most of the time, and that he can use his limited energy being more expressive bodily when he doesn’t have to curate his voice specifically like he does when talking aloud. magnus is into it! and he makes sure to tell taako this. taako starts using ESL more. a little. to see if casey will pick it up.

- casey does pick it up. casey picks it up much easier than common or elvish. she has some coordination issues in her hands like taako does, exacerbated by her being like four, but she can communicate a little better and it’s. weird. it’s weird. taako is weirded out by it. but everyone else in the house just keeps - even lup gets in on it, so…

- he gets to talk to casey more. it’s so sweet. she’s an asshole and he loves it. she is a lot like taako in so many ways. it is a weird thing to witness. she’s not exceedingly social. she’s kind of . aloof. which is something he knows he’s been accused of, but he didn’t really get it until he saw literally his fuckin. weird self reflected back at him. he realizes pretty quick that she’s definitely a person. she’s fairly independent and at this stage ENJOYS sleeping in her own bed. she likes the routine of brushing her teeth before bed. she hates socks (so does taako), she loves bugs, but she’s scared of dogs. she likes magnus’ woodwork, but doesn’t like powertools, and has next to no interest in magic, but she does like watching taako cook - she also has strong opinions about food, which taako is a little frustrated about at first, but soon finds is fun to work around. he likes flexing his cooking creativity for the first time in years.

- taako fucking. eventually uses his braces, but only because he wants casey to also use them. she has such a hard time walking and he absolutely hates the idea of her being in any amount of pain, much less pain comparable to what he went through as a kid before he made himself deal with it quietly. neither taako nor casey are big on the sensory input these things provide, but they get through it together. they are just kind of on the same wavelength when it comes to sensory overload - so even if taako doesn’t realize it, given that he’s had hundreds of years to perfect masking even to himself, once casey’s had about enough of it, taako can pretty reliably tell that it’s probably time for him to give himself a break, too, if he can manage it. she’s helping him out a lot, even if she doesn’t exactly know it.

- that winter is when elodie and rian are born, in that order. not at home this time, which magnus is a little indignant about because he’s the tough guy here, but ultimately there’s not a whole lot of fight about it. this is partly because magnus burnsides is a bird, and gets whatever he wants, and if he wants a parade of like 20 goddamn people present, nobody, not even a medical professional, has the power to stop him. this time, names were picked out beforehand, mostly because magnus was DEAD SET on not waiting until they were multiple months old. they get these names assigned to them in the same way casey did - as child names, if they want to change them, or permanent if they don’t, or whatever the hell they want to do. magnus takes immediately to calling them duckie and goose, respectively, because he knows that everyone will back him up if taako tries to tell him he can’t call his newly born children what he wants to call them as nicknames. (they do fight about it. everybody is, indeed, on magnus’ side, if only because they’re tired of the naming scheme taako is perpetuating, here.)

- he has also been calling casey bunny for a few years at this point because of her floppy ears (taako wouldn’t let him get away with ‘dumbo’ any longer), so it fits the theme. (he later gets a duckling, a gosling, and a bunny tattooed on him. they can change their names all they want, but their childhood nicknames are his forever now!)

- magnus, uh, DOES have a little stint of oh god what have i done. turns out that weirdly enough, having taako baby him a little bit makes him feel better. having taako be kind and surprisingly understanding about his feelings is weird and puts him on edge at first, but really, taako was like this when he was pregnant, too, where he’s a little more open and a little more emotionally available, so it’s not super surprising in a way that makes it impossible to believe that taako’s actually willing to give him space to grieve and think and worry and wonder.

- elodie and rian are also digitigrade, but their ears are more solid. not quite as mobile as taako’s, but they have some muscle in them instead of casey’s little floppy thing she has going on. they’re cute and all, but the biggest thing taako can’t get over is the fact that they are both born with hair. istus just keeps fucking kicking him while he’s down. magnus doesn’t even worship her, what the fuck.

- they’re both VERY LOUD. casey wasn’t a crier, the twins are. they’re loud, they’re rowdy, they’re babies. they’re, like, real babies, and not little weird creatures like casey. casey is a bug, not a baby, elodie and rian are infants. taako has already set a precedent of being a nighttime caretaker, given that magnus needs 8 hrs of sleep/night and he needs 4 hrs of meditation. so this continues, for the most part.

- yes, they have two infants. they also have a little girl who is now getting finally also fitted for orthotics which is cool. she’s also learning ESL. magnus, taako, lucretia, and lup all know it. basically everyone in her life knows sign language. magnus is a little rusty, but he’s taking like. ‘lessons’ from taako. this is also being taught in moderation to the twins, but the twins have their own shit going on between each other. taako gets to watch these things develop twin language WITHOUT HIM. it’s fine.

- lucretia becomes a slightly more… common… occurrence. he sees her at parties and gatherings now - they start being invited to the same things. they’re not involved with each other closely, but they’re adjacent. they talk SOMETIMES. if there’s a buffer between them. mostly at these gatherings, and only when taako’s sober. the moment he’s imbibed anything magnus physically gets between them. it becomes missy and casey’s jobs to watch the twins and magnus’ to watch taako to make sure he doesn’t say or do anything too fucked up.

- elodie is a huge casey fan. loves casey to death, but they have the sibling dynamic going on where casey is so focused on being fully enamored with an looking up to missy that she sort of ignores elodie, and elodie is so focused on casey that she ignores missy, who just wants everyone to be friends together so bad.

- the twins are definitely a step up in complicated parenting. casey was a good first step. somehow? got what is the beginner-friendliest baby. some fucking how. these guys, though. elodie is a very curious kid, a very energetic kid, a very intense kid. playful, extroverted. chatty even when she doesn’t have like. language down yet. rian less so. rian’s more like casey in this regard. less chatty. needs a lot of quiet time.

- magnus used to have a stim where he would ball up his fist and slam it into his chest or shoulder, which definitely, definitely was not good for him, given that he eventually got very strong and was giving himself some pretty gnarly bruises and lacerations with it. he also used to (still does, but slightly less) deal with really bad RSD. it kind of fucks him up watching rian go through the same things. taako is just kind of like “yeah, dude, the dark mirror, we’ve all been peering into it” and magnus is like wow. huh. this is wild. i’m sorry, little guy.

- rian ends up sharing a room with casey once he’s old enough (not permanently, but it’s an option for him). he does better in a quiet environment and elodie is not super conducive to this, but casey is, with her also preferring no loud or repetitive sounds. she also relies more heavily on ESL than the other kids, which rian uses with her quite often while he feels more pressured into speaking verbally to others.

- by this time magnus has made casey what he calls her rabbit hutch - basically, as a toddler, she always ended up like, under her bed, or in her closet, or what have you to sleep. taako’s solution to this was ‘oh baby come sleep in my bed then’, but she didn’t want this, so magnus makes her a little doghouse style thing. A canopied bed, but with solid walls and a weighted base, and a tighter space inside. it doesn’t last her into her teens, but she does use it a lot as a little kid. it’s like a permanent blanket fort. taako’s embarrassed that his daughter lives in a fucking dog house his boyfriend made, but she loves it - and eventually starts letting rian in there, too.

- elodie also likes going in there but 3 kids can’t fit at once, and also she gets bored really fast so most of the time it’s casey and rian time only. and they just sit silently in there.

- listen i have a ton of twin lore in my brain but it’s very difficult to put down in a concise way. i’ll get it out. some day. til then have basics. elodie is a big girl, she’s a tough little girl, she likes being able to help out her mama. (even taako is not allowed to call magnus this. elodie and rian, however, are. for taako is it papa strictly. papa bear will also be tolerated. encouraged.) she loves AXES. she wants one so bad. she’s like six and it’s all she wants for every gift-giving event ever is a REAL AXE. taako and elodie absolutely have a Real Sword type conversation. elodie thinks it’s hilarious, but also kind of frustrating because no, dad, she really does actually want a real axe.

- elodie ALSO isn’t really a dog person. they’re okay! she likes them! she’s just not like, dog obsessed. despite magnus’ best efforts, she does not develop canine special interest, which he’s a little sad about, but it’s okay, because he does eventually get it with rian, thankfully. SOMEONE fucking likes dogs in this goddamn household.

- elodie does however LOVE their cats. she’s neutral on the fish and shrimp (did i mention they have a huge saltwater tank. they do. taako raises shramps). she wants a goat. she’s not the pony kid, that’s rian.

- rian is fucking obsessed with animals in general. he loves casey’s stuffed animals. he loves garyl. he loves dogs, especially the big rough guys, mostly because they can handle some roughhousing. he and magnus wrestle, which magnus loves, and they do a lot of work with the dogs, which is GREAT, because by the time rian is 8 or 9 magnus really, really just wants to get back to working regularly, doing dog training and stuff, and he loves having angus and rian around to help.

- OKAY ALL I REALLY KNOW BEYOND THIS IS THAT casey gets really into rollerskating. she likes drawing, but doesn’t stick with it. she likes roleplaying games. taako and lucretia are keyword kinda reintroduced to each other’s lives after a LOT of strife and a lot of fuckups. casey lives with taako for quite a while. idk about the twins yet, but i know that casey is not really ready to go do her own thing for quite a while, and even after she does move out, she’s always got her dad on speed dial, and out of everyone in the universe once magnus is gone, she is one of the only people he will ALWAYS pick up the phone for. every single time, doesn’t matter what he’s doing.

ta da there’s more, obviously, but like. this is where i’m at. currently. with my fucking. six million words (realistically more like 40-50k, it’s hard to compile when it’s spread out across many text docs and google docs and shit.)

[tirkdi]

okay so this is my new theory: in “A Hundred Lifetimes Ago”, in chapter 4, aleksander speculates about the origins of Alina (as a sun summoner) with Baghra.

“It seems likely, though, that someone out there was dabbling in merzost.”

and then later we learn that Ilya is supposedly alive (or that Baghra at least spoke to him at some recent time). because ilya created the amplifiers and they were somehow linked to alina:

was ilya somehow involved in the origins of alina???

oh and also this is maybe even a stretch but somewhere in the fic it talks about the east of ravka and nobody being able to make it past those mountains.

it’s probably not just chance that aleksander in his very long lifetime never came across Ilya or his father (who he would probably recognize on sight) so maybe one or both of them were in the east of ravka???? possibly?????

number one THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR THEORIES I love it!!! this was so fun to receive and I love the way your mind works. both of those theories totally work with the fic, so I love them as ideas to tie the parts together. I deliberately avoided committing to too much in either of those directions but I'll use this ask to share a little bit about my thinking

merzost: the ultimate grishaverse loop-and-plot-hole. how hard is it to do merzost, really? is it mostly just scary and painful and (taking the fic as canon for this fic question) you have to build up slowly otherwise it'll kill you? my assumption was that it's not extremely rare for a grisha to try merzost; how much they have to do before it results in them having a kid with strange powers, though ... that's probably a higher bar, and maybe tough to hit without the merzost killing you (unless you're immortal). the idea that a thousand years on Ilya is still mucking about with merzost is sort of heartbreaking, but then again he is pretty terrible! at the very least, a millennium on, he's still inspiring other grisha to go after their bad ideas. the idea of him being the instigator/cheerleader for the merzost that caused alina to be born is funny and tragic enough that it deserves a fic itself

I have a running joke with a couple of my friends that the land to the east of ravka is a haven for grisha, absolute grisha paradise, and when aleks finally makes it over there he just looks around and goes: dammit! he spent all that TIME trying to fix RAVKA and he could have just sent all the grisha HERE!

I did not write this with the intention that his father or ilya were hiding in that area specifically, but they were both clearly hiding: their grandson/son had an extremely prominent and public position and if they'd wanted to find him at any point they absolutely could have. my assumption about the two of them is that, honestly, they make baghra look well-adjusted. in a scenario where aleks' dad is also immortal, if baghra had felt like the dad would have done a better job at raising the kid to survive, I think she would have left aleks with him or at least brought him along! but I don't think she considered it: our boy comes by his absolutely insane behavior honestly, from both sides of the family

[madcatdaderpydrawer-blog]

And thus, Lunara and Solstaire discover the ultimate joy in life: tickling Lunars. They both know what tickling is, but neither one has actually done any tickling before. Or been tickled. Peanut is their very first victim. Clipsy’s gonna have to stop them before they (mostly Lunara) accidentally tickle Peanut unconscious.

Piper is getting snuggled until Pyroclasm gets bored. They’re feeling talkative enough to mention that they usually drop kids off at the Daycare, because human kids are too delicate and breakable. But other DCAs are free game! Especially the dirty ones, (in this case referring to whatever’s probably leaking out of Clipsy’s broken ray) those ones are clearly homeless and up for grabs!

Sun awkwardly offers to help with the broken ray again. Clipsy gets told that he and Peanut can stay as long as they want. They can take the room they were making for Eclipse and Solar Flare, who have been bunking with Moon and KC. (Earth and Bloodmoon were sleeping in the theater, and Lunar’s been bunking with Sun and his cats).

Kidclipse can’t wait to introduce Peanut to his best friend and their sorta-step-brother-but-also-not-really, Gregory!

Torp just registers Clipsy and Peanut to the system, points at where the main console is, and then goes back to his day.

Good. For Antumbra, anyone who can tolerate his shit is getting attached to very quickly (yay abandonment issues and trauma). He’ll start doing little nice things for them, like covering Clipsy in a blanket if he looks tired, or leaving Peanut’s favorite snacks lying around. He’ll even be downright soft if they seem to be having bad days.

Just regular Eclipse stuff : ). Not that they’d recognize her as an Eclipse since she’s the one who looks like Eclipse and Glam Freddy had a kid together. Brief house tour before bed, including the warnings: -Don’t go downstairs because Monty lives there. -Everything they say is potentially being recorded because Vanny likes to bug their house. -Be careful because Circus Baby keeps potions in the fridge, including a thicc anime girl transformation potion and a human potion, and one of the water guns is loaded with a potion of forgetting. -Don’t touch Ennard’s Doritos or Baby’s icecream.

I forgot Honey! Honey Bakely and KC would adopt Peanut and Clipsy immediately. The Bloodmoon twins will be a bit grumbly and bully them a bit, and Eclipse will get jealous of Clipsy and be in denial about it and be extra mean to him and Peanut.

Peanut is just turned into hysterical giggly paste by them. He’s going to be a limp noodle by the time it’s over with. Clipsy finds it hilarious

Clipsy brings up that while it was technically right about them being homeless, they had literally just arrived so they had like zero time to acquire a home. Piper says that trying to apply logic is pointless.

He’d accept suns offer to fix the ray, since it’s definitely something that should be fixed even if it’s not super painful. It’s still rather annoying and overly sensitive in it’s damaged state.

Peanut gives Gregory a little pat on the head. He finds it cute they’re friends with a human!

Torp treats this as if it’s a typical Tuesday lmao

Ah yes the reverse psychology. If you can deal with the toxic shithead behavior then he will vibe with you. Like a tsundere XD

Clipsy doesn’t even want to know why they have a thicc anime girl potion. It’s honestly for the best he doesn’t, the answer would only scar him more.

Clipsy is not going to appreciate this other eclipse and will return his rudeness with his own snark and sarcasm, doing little things to annoy him. Like the petty shit he is.

[astarab1aze]

“do youse like kids?” resting her head in the shapeshifters lap she finally decides to speak up. for days now she’d been feeling off, and finally she’d decided to visit emile. they’d chatted for some time while she ran a couple tests, and then Loni had gone on her way. a couple days later she’d gotten a call that, understandably, shocked her. “… what… would you say if we were going to have one…?”

rolling onto her back she reaches up to brush the hair from his eyes. “would you be happy…?”

He knew exactly why she was asking - he could smell it on her. His answer might surprise her, despite it being kept under heavy lock and key up to this moment. For much of his life, Loux'd craved a family, mostly in the form of reviving his parents and reuniting them with his sisters - but, every once in a while, he'd entertain the fantasy of a gaggle of kits running around, each and all looking a bit like him and a bit like, well, Loni. And while he should've been overjoyed to finally have a chance, the only thing he could think about was how much danger this little life was already in just by virtue of being theirs.

Didn't like that.

Ultimately, it didn't matter if he liked it or not - he wasn't going to ask her to 'take care of it' and he wasn't going to leave her over it. If she was concerned, she'd learn not to be. If she was afraid, she'd have to figure out how not to be. And so would he. He's the noncommittal one, the one most likely to turn tail and book it...but he'd been working her over for decades. Pining, openly, for her for years and years. Running would've thrown all his effort straight in the trash, undo a lifetime of getting closer, figuring her out, dancing and shopping and maybe fucking sometimes too--

On what planet was he going to let that all go to waste over petty paternal terror? Besides, it was his. It was his. His family. His blood. His.

"I mean, I awready knew ya was pregnant. Been able t' smell it fer a few weeks now," he said plainly, tilting his head to the side. "I don' mind kids. They stink, got nasty shit on they hands all th' time, buh they jus kids. S'not like they're tha' 'ard t' deal wit. 'Sides, they can be mo fun 'an most adults - a' least they actually like an' enjoy life, e'en when it's ass. 'ope yer havin' three 'cause I ain't plannin' on only gettin' one outta this, y'know. 'ma start callin' m'self daddy - sounds good, huh? I dig it."

Okay, maybe he's embracing it a little more than he thought he would, but that can only be a good sign, right? Right. He already knew, so he'd had time to think about it, come to a conclusion for himself. No big deal. Scared the shit out of him, he wasn't going to lie. What if he fucked it up like he does everything else, everything he touches? What if he gives them nothing but pain and anxiety? What if he ruins them somehow? But, oh, what if he gets to go running with them through the swamps, death roll with them as gators in the bayou? What if they like boo berry pies and scarbuncle cheese? What if they sing, dance, and like art and poetry and do really cool shit with their magic? What if, what if, what if.

"S'no big deal, babycakes."

[paramorearchived]

August 20, 2013

Transcript:

talkin bout practice not a game not a game

hey yall

band practice for the upcoming EU/UK tour starts tomorrow! very. exciting. stuff. honestly, i'm just a tad bit nervous. it feels like a big sort of tour. the kind that we really have to put a lot of muscle and elbow grease and, of course, luuuuv into. with us, everything always comes together last minute. and i do mean everything. for some reason i can never seem to remember that though and i freak out like a crazy person with some serious anxiety issues. anyway, now that we're really all going to get in there and start rehearsals, everything will fall into place. on the one hand, you have to work at it to make that happen... and on the other hand, well... you've got to let it happen.

so, i'm pretty sure most of you have heard about Miles, who's been playing drums with us on the past few tours. Miles got into a crazy golf cart accident (i know, it sounds a little nuts but it's for real). he really f-d up just about one whole side of his body. mostly his face and shoulder, it seems like. poor dude is such a trooper. today, when i swung by the place we're going to be rehearsing, he was there and i was pretty surprised at his attitude in spite of how torn up he looked. torn up is a lot different than turnt up, by the way. not at all a good thing! we are not positive that he'll be on this next tour with us but we are going to figure it all out one way or another and the show will go on! we're just so damn thankful that Miles is alright and not only is he getting all the right care but he's also in as good of spirits as i can possibly imagine one being in his situation. feel free to send him some extra love if you're surfing the web with nothing to do - his twitter handle is @mileskmcpherson.

in the meantime, from now 'til the start of our tour, there is so much to do. first things first, we have a million interviews and promotional stuff we're working on for all these upcoming shows. lots of basic rehearsals. i've got a million merch emails to sort through, which is, for the most part, one of my favorite jobs to have. then the three of us really have to dig in to finish the show, production and set list and everything. the most obnoxious thing i have to do is to figure out exactly what i want to wear for the shows. this may seem like it would be a simple task for a t-shirt and jeans kind of gal but ohhhh no. it's the hardest thing EVERY TIME! i don't really enjoy the process of packing a separate stage uniform but it's just becoming necessary. now that i'm getting older, i have this fantasy of having this great stage outfit that looks sick in pictures but feels as comfy as my regular day time clothes. the truth is, no outfit of that sort exists. slight growing pains. what's more important to me? living out my freddie mercury dreams, blazing the stage and feeling awesome... or just the simple joy of being comfortable? when i really think down to the core of my issue, it all just has to do with the fact that i'm growing up. my tastes are way different than they were. but you know what? i'm a lot older than i was when i started getting up onstage, wearing the t-shirt i slept in the night before and one of the only two pair of jeans thrown into my suitcase 5 minutes before walking out the door to get in the van. i want a little more... i EXPECT a little more of myself. it doesn't even feel like a burden so much as growing pains. growing pains are a good thing because... duh. you're growing. alright, so expect a sequined purple unitard with bright red legs and a tiara. shit's getting real. paramore 3.0!!!! taylor and jeremy are glittering their beards!

when i was a kid, my dad would take me to ultimate fun world every other sunday and we'd ride go-karts and play arcade games. around the time i was 9, i started to get the worrrrst growing pains in my ankles and around the lower parts of my legs. it sounds funny but pushing on the gas pedal of the go-kart and driving around seemed to ease the discomfort cause i'd be stretching my leg out and putting pressure on my foot while stepping on the gas pedal so hard it hit the floor board. we'd drive all day. i'd race every kid on the track and sometimes dad would ride with me and other times we'd even race each other. by the time we were done, i'd be laughing so hard and smiling so big that the pains in my leg were hardly noticeable and for some reason to this day i think about all that.

the weirdest part of this whole entry is that all i came here to say is this... we are incredibly excited about the next few months of life, paramore, music, everything. i, personally, have this feeling that even though we want to put on the biggest shows we've ever put on, they will still feel incredibly intimate to us and hopefully to you too. that energy is what i live for and as much as i go back and think on all the incredible memories we made at tiny hole-in-the-wall places with a few hundred people... the way it feels to know that we've really grown and come all this way with you is completely and stupidly overwhelming in the best way possible. thanks for all of it. remember this, as much as we are pressing the pedal to the metal, you are driving this freaking go-kart. you are the reason we've gotten where we are. let's make more ridiculous memories. see you soon, over there!

-h

(i don't proofread since having earned my diploma in 2006, so i'm sorry for all the errors, misspells, and mistakes)

[eggs-can-draw]

komaeda anon: im cryigng,

also btw ougjgjg did you ever go into depth how the horrors exactly happened? like why exactly the ppl put the kids of the remnants but also the ult hopp's kid in a killing game?? 😭

*rubs my hands together evilly* Horrors Time I've let the concept of The Horrors stew long enough yeah? I'm just gonna explain the idea cause I cant explain how and why without explaining what's fully going on ok so NHPA is mostly staffed by either old HPA staff that survived the tragedy or FF members who were moved over, the school (and it's siblings HPES and HPMS) are heavily if not primarily funded by the FF and has become kinda a hub for the FF's little pet projects. The school is still split but in a less obvious way, and while Super High School Levels are still scouted (That's how Kokichi ended up going to NHPA) they still accept students through a regular entrance exam process but they clearly prioritize the Super High School Levels above the talentless kids and dont mix classes between them. So with the school's quieter prioritization of the super high school levels and their penchant for housing "Pet projects" for the FF, the V3 kiddos ended up being one of those projects (And it game them an excuse to get all of the remnant kids and shuichi in one class without raising too much suspicion "Well we wouldnt want the Super High School Levels to outpace the talentless kids" and all that) So here's what they did. They slipped a few vaguely worded consent forms into the stacks and stacks of paperwork that had to be signed to attend the school at all and from there took full liberty to play around with the kiddo's brains a bit. Building off of the NWP they put all the kiddos in a sort of vr experience and while in there, had most of their previous memories locked away (Any time they tried to think of those memories either leading the program to invent temporary new ones that would fade out shortly after exiting the program, or just leave mental static) The longer the kids spend inside the program the longer it takes for the real memories to come back. Worse comes to worse, the kids will automatically be ejected from the program the split second before they die (they can still feel the pain of that death tho and the placebo effect is a fucking bitch) As for why it's a killing game at all? Think about it for a second. The first killing game ended with a lot of dead kids but it also gave rise to the Ultimate Hope and killed Junko Enoshima herself once and for all, and the second killing game had no real deaths (as far as they're concerned) and rehabilitated a group of kids who were considered FAR beyond repair, in the eyes of the FF, what's a few broken eggs for the sake of hope? As for why these kids specifically? For Shuichi specifically, it's a bit of a question of if they would be able to artificially craft themselves a third "Ultimate Hope" and for the kids of the remnants it's the question of if or if not they're naturally inclined toward the more violent path out (the non remnant kiddos being a control group for this experiment) Kokichi himself is just generally someone they're keeping their eyes on alongside Shuichi due to his lineage but they've been watching Kokichi in secret for a long time. (They want to experiment on him and Shuichi SO BAD)

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to touch on Day with the Sun in a manner that's EVEN REMOTELY TIMELY so I don't end up piling too much on when talking about your fics [both in terms of how much I'd have to write and how much you'd have to read]. SO! Sorry if this sucks and is inarticulate… exhausted from crunch AND my keyboard is busted… but I will power through because this haaas to be one of my favorite fics of yours and I Cannot Contain Myself. Also I feel bad for egging you on to post it but not actually saying anything yet so☠️

I've said bits and pieces of this before but I adore your fics because I can visualize them with incredible clarity. Like not even kidding, Top Ten Hallucinogens, you've got everyone's mannerisms and "voices" down perfect and you always have just enough detail to be able to See The Vision without the story having to grind to a halt. I really like the way attention is only brought to certain details with purpose, when they're relevant; that adds a lot to what I'm about to talk about.

I think your writing style really shines in works like this, where it's sort of like a Particularly Involved Substory, or a lighthearted "cooldown chapter"--just like, those parts that are all in-engine and mostly unvoiced but have SO much heart and characterization. I can See the camera moves and transitions, and I can Hear the music and sound cues. But at the same time, you take full advantage of the medium in being able to get into Arakawa's head, see what he sees and does or doesn't take note of and the conclusions he comes to, and get into what their day-to-day might be like and the ways this trip is both reflective of and breaks from the usual for them.

It's just SO well-done! The fic as a whole is a delight from start to finish--there's so much to chew on in every moment, every interaction, and the fact you've managed to pack it all into such a short story while maintaining the perfect pacing throughout is nothing short of commendable. Giggling And Kicking My Feet The Whole Time For Real and I MAINTAIN I was right to be excited… I'm so happy to have had the opportunity to read it [three times now]!

Arakawa's soooo moe To Me and reading from his perspective always makes me ill because his worries and concerns and shortcomings are so human, but he's doing his best to make his family happy, and they ultimately do end up having a nice day because of his initiative… Jo is SO cute in this too, I rewatched Hero SP after completing the show recently and he really has that Tsugaru-like Neurodivergent Awkwardness. Last But Not Least I loved Masato, I was his age the majority of the last couple of times I remember going to the beach… he's just like me fr…

No But I always really enjoy this Era of Masato, because in the singular flashback we get, he seems just a little bit more tolerant of Arakawa. It's nice to see him before [I feel like] he stops addressing him as "Dad" to his face, only saying it to specify who he means when he's talking to other people--that's kind of how I am with my mom now.

At the same time, it's of course a little bittersweet. One nice day isn't going to change the course of their futures, and it's painful to see Arakawa have these high hopes for his son that don't come to fruition in the way he envisions, or to think about how Jo's the only one around to remember moments like these now…

At any rate, closing out with some notes that came to mind as I was reading:

LOVE the premise being based in Masato being more open with Jo--I was definitely hoping Arakawa'd have some thoughts on that and I was happy to see he did, and to see echoes of it in things like Masato choosing to lean more heavily on Jo and Arakawa musing on Masato's "preferential treatment" of Jo.

It's also really sweet to see how Jo's earned it; he really spares no effort when it comes to Masato and it shows in big and small ways, like how he seems more synced with Masato when he wants to be put down while Arakawa's lost in thought. At the same time, even though he's grossly overprepared and clearly didn't pack for just himself though he initially wanted to set up away from the Arakawas, he only really has the courage to do any of what he did because of Arakawa strongarming him into actually involving himself and letting himself have a good time. The synergy with those three is unreal

Love literally every single time Arakawa tries to understand Jo… that longing for a greater depth of knowledge when he already knows him well enough to read his thoughts from what he wrote in the pamphlet… the way he notes and responds to Jo's anxiety and propriety, the way he goes and investigates the book, the Painfully Awkward But Real conversation they try to have about art and theater and how he /wants/ to share but they're not quite communicating, the way he doesn't know to connect things like Jo's knowledge of construction and his inexperience with normalcy to his past but has this gut feeling… the way he's right about how he'll never fully know him…

I wanted to note this separately because of The Subject Matter ☠️but although this quote comes from a CSA checklist, it is applicable to others with abusive backgrounds [I mean… I do HC Jo as a CSA survivor and it is close to my heart given he ticks a lot of said boxes either way, but that's a topic for a much different ask… If Ever, it never felt like an appropriate topic to write in about], and it seems relevant to what's going on with Jo in this fic: "31. Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ('ice=thin')." Obviously He Has Other Reasons but I feel like that's what Arakawa's picking up on at certain points. That's why I was really happy Arakawa got to spot and capture those Rare Jo Moments where he's happy and at peace… it's something that works whether you read the fic as platonic or romantic, but it's interesting to view through both lenses

VERY MUCH NOTICED THE BOOK HAS A BROWN COVER BTW I'm Literally Delusional but I was obviously reminded of the book that keeps popping up in your comics, the tattoo one and the AraSawa Domestic Moments Cringe [For Masato] Compilation… perhaps not the same one but I wouldn't be surprised if it took years to finish either given he hardly got to read it before being pulled away… he's INSANE for describing that as Light Reading [I can't even read my own art history books, I just look at the pictures] but I respect it… I also respect you both actually using bookmarks instead of just Praying I Turn To The Page I Left Off On like I do…

Dadliest FUCKING moments from Arakawa in this one I swear to goddddd I talked about his attempts to understand Jo but his attempts to understand Masato when Masato refuses to get what's on his mind across at every turn are so real… also spooking Masato like that… showing up with only his wallet and practically nothing else but being fully prepared to spoil Masato… wanting to put Masato's sunscreen on for him… not "acting his age"… the SKIPPINGGGGG… the expectation of a soon-to-be-empty nesty making him squish Masato for reasons Masato cannot discern [not to mention The Symbolism of the sunset imagery as the backdrop for this in particular although it should be a beautiful moment]… his FUCKING FIT [JO'S FIT TOO BUT HIS FITTT] GOD I'M LITERALLY JUST LISTING THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE FIC AT THIS POINT BUT HE MADE ME SO ILL

I could hardly say any of the above without thinking of Jo though… I mean… Second Parent is so true… A Dad Of Another Variety... Deeply appreciate him getting to be part of the family… speaking of parents I ALSO deeply appreciate the Akane mention…

I'm just. Obsessed with the entire finale and everything leading up to it [AS IF I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH EVERY OTHER THING] but I should let you go at some point so I'm stopping here <3

OH AND I would absoluuutely love to read [Or View] anything else you might have in mind with regard to Ikumi! Loved your art :] We don't have anything concrete to go off of At All as of now, so I don't think anyone could blame you if you wanted to explore one idea one day and a different one the next. I don't think about her often because I'm not creative enough to know where to take things [and I certainly wouldn't know how to make it Not Miserable], so I'd be very curious to see :]

Would also love to hear your thoughts on We Make Antiques 2 and The Deer King :] if you have the time/If They're Still Knocking Around ☠️

[EVERY THOUGHT I GOT DOWN BELOW]

i think its Physically Impossible for you to write anything Lame nor Inarticulate dont WORRYYY best wishes to you and your keyboard regardless tho 🙏 more over i'd be THRILLED to read a novel's worth of your commentary on any of my works- but i also know typing a lot is. Tiring LMAO SO i'm utterly grateful for anythin you send in (;´༎ຶ▽༎ຶ) i also never mind how long it might take for you to send something in: i know you always put a lot of time and effort into your asks, and all of that time is well worth the wait since they always end up being my favorite things to read (❁´◡`❁)

moving on tho, ABSOLUTELY makes me happy to hear my descriptions are good ! i always worry about doing too much or too little, so im glad it's Just Write in terms of highlighting what's important while not lingering too long on unimportant things or going too fast ♪(´▽｀) reading the fic three times… thems Deer King numbers WHAT AN HONOR TYSM FOR ENJOYING AND READING (^人^)

im glad this story can feel 'substory' esque. when it comes to my comics, i generally try to give them that 'side content' kind of feel: just something nice to cut away to away from the 'main action' of the canon story, so im glad that can be reflective in a fic like this (and probably makes sense as to why this is my 'strongest' fic) (╯▽╰ ) ive mentioned it during a stream before (and probably in my tags too), but i do try to 'direct' my art and treat things like a movie set. i try to keep that same kind of mentality when writing, so i'm happy to hear it was effective :]

being able to write from arakawa's perspective is a fun experience to say the least. i really Do Not Hide It when i say that i borrow a lot from my life and the people in my life whenever i draw or write something, and i've made it noooo secret my dad is a big inspo for the things i make, ESPECIALLY when it comes to family. with all of that said, an aspect of arakawa i wanted to try to explore lately was his struggle of maintaining a happy family despite his circumstances. it wasn't a MAJOR focal point of this fic I Dont Think, but definitely was something i had in the back of my mind and is generally something i keep in the back of my mind when trying to portray arakawa

all of that said, i'll try not to be SUPER personal (as i do that anyway LMAO) but i'll confess that writing arakawa is 'special' to me. i can't exactly put a word to it, so 'special' will have to do. when i was growing up, in some sense, i was upset with my dad for things he ultimately had no control over. despite the time that's passed though, he's always tried his best for my siblings and i (and even my mom before this year when An Incident occurred and finally woke up him up to how terrible she is LMAO). he told me once that he wanted nothing more than a happy family, and that he never wanted his kids to feel alone or abandoned. that's a sentiment i can very easily imagine arakawa having not just towards masato, but towards the rest of the arakawa family as well due to his own upbringing; that sort of care extends to jo too Evidently. whether it's romantic or platonic, i do want to communicate that arakawa does try to get close to jo not just cause It's Expected for him to care about someone in the clan, but because he can identify the signs of an uncomfortable upbringing in jo, and doesn't want anyone else to have to shoulder that loneliness by themselves like he did. yk: have a more personal reason to as opposed to it being a part of his job. and lbr: jo can't brood ALL the time, there's GOTTA be a single second he actually does seem happy for once (and those very rare momence, me thinks, are very much all the waiting for arakawa)

with all of THAT said, being able to explore these thoughts and scenarios with arakawa is a way for me to better understand and appreciate my dad and what he had to go through i guess- sort of like an apology for how much i tended to doubt him even though i knew he wanted nothing more than to be there for us, so i'm def happy exploring that for myself has been able to become a good read (❁´◡`❁)

onto jo tho…. i love portraying jo in these domestic settings somuch (evidently). bro really is just so out of his element, ESPECIALLY when he's trying to appear Tolerable (in his eyes: arakawa will ALWAYS love him) it's just such a hilarious contrast to how we know him (a cunt) ☠️ as i was writing this fic i just kept thinking to myself that- in an ironic sense- jo would absolutely be a beach/airport dad given the circumstances (just pack unnecessarily, be overly vigilant to make sure things go accordingly, etc etc) and it's what really made writing everything so fun when i got to sit and imagine it and share it （￣︶￣）

that fun bit aside, i do also enjoy writing jo in these types of scenarios in a similar vein to why i like writing arakawa: it's a bit personal. i'd rather equate my upbringing to negligence opposed to outright abuse like jo experienced, but i can't imagine how my thoughts manifest to be too different from jo's in certain scenarios. especially when it comes to his hesitance towards happiness or believing he isn't deserving of that happiness (or anything good really), it's a very personal feeling i get a lot, and in particular his need to not want to intrude or take up space (doubly considering it may seem as tho he's trying to 'steal' masato even though he gave him away in the first place). it's pretty easy to write with that respect (and is probably why i tend to drift to portraying his pov's LMAO), and trying to capture that feeling of anxiety or worry or apprehension but still keep it in tune with jo's 'stonewall-esque' character is definitely cathartic in a sense. it's also interesting to do when i have him next to other characters, and ESPECIALLY when im writing from a perspective that isn't his own. it's important i don't make him appear too outwardly anxious or 'small,' but i also want to make sure it's clear he does feel those things in that moment: i want that fact to be sort of a blink-and-you-miss-it kind of deal.

all of THAT said though, i AM very interested to hear more about your thoughts on him as a CSA survivor (and me wonders if that is what you were referring to when adding to his backstory some asks ago)... VERY fair if you'd rather keep that discussion elsewhere though: it is a very sensitive topic

onto masato though, i enjoy portraying masato a lot pre-ichi times. i guess it's just a nice phase to touch on before Everything Spirals, so to speak: he still has some of that anger from his childhood, though he can't express it the same way anymore. he has to be a bit more mature about it- but he is still a teenager. plus, since he's still a teenager, he still predominantly relies on jo and arakawa, and Of Course i have the most fun when i get to portray any combo of that trio interacting with each other (and it shows lmao).

on that note though, i do enjoy thinking a lot about the supposed relationship jo and masato mustve had while he was growing up. as it shows, jo turned out to be 'masatos favorite' (however much that means all things considered). there surely must have been some seeds planted for that to have been the outcome later on, so it's fun thinking about how those things can manifest, and it's especially fun getting to pen arakawa's perspective on it

AND OF COURSE THE BOOK WAS INTENTIONAL LMAOOOO yk what they say One's An Incident Two's A Coincidence Three's On Purpose You Asshole ☠️☠️ the first two times were truly accidents but at this point it doesn't hurt to have a 'running joke' or something like that in my comics/fics. we'll get him a new book someday i promise ♪(´▽｀)

as for me though, i cant trust to open on the same page i left off on.. plus i really like collecting bookmarks, especially when they're of butterflies: it gives me a reason to look them up and learn something since the designs are always pretty enough for me to wonder what species they're based on (❁´◡`❁)

ALL IN ALL THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ENJOYING !!!!!!!! truly commentary like this gives me reasonsto keep writing its SUCH a huge motivator i cant stress it.. all the pain is worth it when i can see how much you enjoyed the fic.. i hope to always make you feel that excited to read something from myself ╰(°▽°)╯ !!

with THAT in mind tho… i certainly do feel the motivation to pen at least ONE ikumi story now.. when that's finished is TBD but for now i hope you enjoy this Kinda Old scribble of a Little Older ikumi i did (or at least one variant of an older ikumi) <- drew it so i could hallucinate better

im not good at fashion and i was really trying to figure out a look for her that still REMINDED people of ikumi but yk. was appropriate for a 30-something-year-old woman in the 90's.... but i have plenty of time to explore other looks so i wont worry (i do really like this hair cut tho.. maybe that'll be a constant)..

AND OF COURSE i'd be happy to write two quick lil reviews for those movies: i LOVED them after all (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

for WMA2, my favorite bits of these movies is always The Plan Coming Together- yk the last like. thirty or so minutes LMAO BUT FR ill never get over watching everyone work together to con people (plus the turtleneck really is A Look for nakai.. BIG fan- also them goofy ass magnetic glasses.. what even are those i love them). had me GOBSMACKED when it was revealed shino wasnt even a real mom but also Not Surprising in retrospect but ALSO Whose Kid Is This. Where Are Your Parents.

i do love how the movie started with the idea that sasuke Wasnt going to do any more con jobs and was going to be living honestly, yet In An Ironic Twist to ensure japan wouldnt have a Counterfeit Antique problem he ended up having to make so many fakes… a necessary evil me thinks… more importantly i really will never get over yo-chan fucking licking everything like ENOUGH. STOP. but dont it still makes me laugh fuckin weird ass old man (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)♡ it did make me happy to see sasuke's son get a job he really loves tho… that was cute.. AND WHEN HE TRIED THE POTTERY WHEEL That Was Cute :) anyways.. all in all lovely movie Of Course I'd Love It… one day i hope we can find the third movie….

AS FOR DEER KINNGGG ABSOLUTELY LOVELY MOVIE you were right the animation was GORGEOUS and PERFECTLY weighted. i ESPECIALLY loved the scene with the stilt walkers not just atmosphere wise, but the actual weight and heft of the stilts was just so… Immaculate. AND LEST I NEGLECT TO MENTION YUNA'S THE CUTEST LITTLE GIRL EVER i love her so so so much she's so adorable her cheeks are plump like a peach's her pigtails are adorable and i love her tooth gap (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ)(;´༎ຶД༎ຶ) van and yuna getting to hang with the villagers was MAD sweet tho… had me deceased at the end when the cure of Mad Wolf Disease was just deer milk tho. NOT A HATER was just a hilariosuly simple solution considering The Horrors caused by the mittsual (i knew i wasnt a sicko for drinking milk...)

As If I Need To Say It Anymore very lovely movies….. thank you much both for going through the effort to find WMA2 and for reccin The Deer King…

[thearchivistsjournal]

Day 247,

One more day and we’ll be home.  We’re back on that first island where we spent the night.  If we make the same progress returning as we did leaving then we should get back to the Village a few hours before sundown tomorrow.

None of us slept particularly well last night, but at least the anchors held.  Don’t think I personally got any true sleep at all.  A few extended periods of drifting restfulness with my eyes closed, but never actually unconscious.

I tried to play it down and cover it up as we briefly returned to the beach at dawn to take a break from the boats for a bit before heading out in earnest, but when I had one of those waking flashes to the Catacombs a couple hours later while rowing and nearly dropped the oars in the water it was pretty obvious to everyone.  Fortunately, between expecting it and not being thrown into a broken, pain-wracked body, it wasn’t as bad this time around.  Still an understatement to call the experience highly unpleasant and disorienting, but I’ll take what excuses to tell others not to worry silver linings of comfort I can get.

We stopped at that little cliff-surrounded cove of an island again for our midday rest.  Took as much of a nap as I could while there.  There’s been some discussion of whether to take another break tomorrow or just push on to the Village in one go in a reverse of our first day.  Ultimately we decided to just play it by ear and see how we’re feeling when the time comes, but for now I suspect we’ll go for the one long push.

That said, everyone’s retired early tonight.  No extended laughing and singing around a campfire.  Combination of the past few days of travel wearing us down compounded by last night’s discomforts.

As for myself, I had another episode shortly before I started writing so I’m still trying to calm myself back down and take my mind off it before I can sleep.

It occurs to me that this whole time I’ve never given much detail to what Lin and I talk about while in a boat together all day.  Stories mostly.  She spent enough time in the archive as a kid that she’s probably about as qualified to do tellings as Cass and I are.  There are few joys like discussing a mutually loved story with another.  Or even not-so-loved.  More than just sharing what we liked or didn’t like about a given narrative, but what it meant to us.  Analyzing it.  Studying it.  Dissecting it.  Stories are shared experiences that bridge time and space.  Characters are mutual acquaintances and friends.  The similarities and differences in how two people experience a story and what they take away from it can be as much an insight into who they are as putting them through the same real world events.

That’s what I like to believe anyway.

And then there’s the comparing of notes regarding what she remembers reading in the archive versus what I remember of versions of those stories from my past life.  Always an interesting exercise.  Also, I got some briefly summarized versions of a few more local stories that the villagers tell like the one about The Girl From The Forest.  I’ll need to get the full versions of those from her some day and put them to paper.

Of course, that wasn’t all we talked about.  There was a fair bit of sharing bits of our lives that the other doesn’t normally see much of.  It’s easy to forget that Lin spends a pretty large portion of her own time outside of the Village proper traveling around the island gathering medicinal ingredients so there’s always a fresh stock of whatever might happen to be needed on the rare occasions that some sickness or injury does happen to arise.  True, some of it she gets from hunters, shepherds, and fishers rather than gathering herself, but still, it’s enough to have made her well suited for all the scouting she’s been doing alongside Maiko this trip.

Meanwhile, I shared some of my encounters with the nature sprite that were on the “playfully mischievous” rather than “terrifying” side of things.  Told her about my occasional habit of dancing in the rain.  Parties where I was asked to do tellings (it seems she doesn’t get invited to as many of those as she used to).  Teaching during the rainy season.  That sort of thing.

Oh, and I learned some of those songs she’s humming all the time.  She’s got quite the repertoire.  And some are a bit more… bawdy than I would have guessed.  Come to think of it, it’s a bit strange how little of that sort of thing there is here.  Perhaps it has to do with the whole deal about fertility apparently being tied to the Blossom Field?

Speaking of singing, imagine Cass and my surprise a few days ago, shortly after setting out from Iole’s island when Lin started singing while rowing.  That in and off itself wasn’t much of a surprise, she’d done it a few times before, but then Maiko joined in.  Not a well-practiced singing voice, but wonderfully earnest.  Guess that song was another thing the two of them shared while alone together.

Alright, feeling better now.  Time to sleep.  Long day tomorrow.  If our return is anything like our last extended expedition, there’s going to be a bunch of people crowding around wanting to hear about it once word gets out that we’re back.

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[mylifeincinema]

My Week(s) in Reviews: February 25, 2023

I’ve honestly just been forgetting to watch movies lately... I try to both watch and read a bit each night, and the past month or so most of my watching has been catching up on each evening’s television or rewatching Fringe on HBO Max. But, there was a new MCU film released this past week, so of course I headed out to catch that.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (Peyton Reed, 2023)

So here’s the thing... In a word, Quantumania is BAD. Very little ever works, there’s painful amounts of filler, god-awful effects, colorful but lifeless character and production design, messy action sequences that struggle to be anything more than boring, forced humor that rarely works, and ALL of the new/minor characters feel wasted and ultimately completely unnecessary. (Seriously, you bring in Bill Murray for THAT?!?)

Our returning/core cast isn’t even utilized well. Wasp is mostly wasted, only ever given a couple late moments that are unearned. Cassie (whose recasting was one of the few very smart moves, here... Kathryn Newton is great) is relegated to plot-fuel and some forced one-liners. Janet’s made an almost completely unnecessary guide, and Hank is thrown in the background to pilot a ship whose visual gag doesn’t work and then swoop in for a big, awkward moment in the final act. Seriously, what a waste, all around.

That being said, Jonathan Majors is fantastic. And while this Kang is ultimately weak (I mean, c’mon, Ant-Man should’ve been squashed like a bug in that ‘climactic’ face-off), he’s still an outrageously interesting character that’s completely different than - yet equally as interesting as - He Who Remains from Loki. (But let’s face it, He Who Remains was so much better, and I’m glad he was our actual introduction to Kang, rather than this guy.) And the initial meeting between Kang and Scott is an incredible exchange. Plus, his costume! It’s awesome!! SPOILER!! The credit scene with the council of Kangs was terrible. The post credit scene with Loki and Mobius investigating a Kang variant was amazing. Please, rest of Phase 5, give us a shit-ton more of the latter, and absolutely none of the former.

Sadly, though, that’s pretty much all there is of any worth in this film. I had some fun with it in the moment, but even then, only some fun in a film that should’ve had me feeling like a kid through the whole damn thing? What a bummer. - 3.5/10

Enjoy!

-Timothy Patrick Boyer.

[philosophiums]

👀👀 ok pls indulge me and tell me all about your ocs starting with moren than youuuu love youuu

HI THIS IS SO OLD IM SO SORRY I AM BAD AT SEEING/ANSWERING ASKS

also god i have.... so many ocs i will handpick a few for you

okay so there's two dnd ocs that i can tell you about

Moren (pronounced morn), a human who was born from a ritual that her parents participated in trying to bring this really obscure local god (who has a nice facade but is evil) back into a pocket of real power. Her parents were struggling to have a kid and this god "blessed" them, proved through the child's appearance being very similar to the facade of this god. Through the rise of the god's power and its desire to fuck with its worshippers, Moren's parents started to resent her, thinking of her as a curse instead of a blessing (also the recognition of the self through the other i.e. her parents seeing this innocent child and realizing that they themselves are guilty in many ways). So they tried to kill Moren and didn't have the respect for their child to bury her, which is ultimately what saved her. She was dumped in the woods and found just hours later by the luck of a half orc just taking a stroll. This half orc decided to raise her himself, teaching her how to be a blacksmith and how to be a decent human being. Of course, she's also heavily cursed and has to figure that out eventually, but.... y'know. She's hot-tempered and doesn't speak a lot (she often pretends to be deaf or uneducated so that she can avoid having conversations she's not interested in). She's a rune knight fighter.

also Lavinia (my pfp), who is a half air genasi who got possessed by a (demon? old god? manifestation of human fears and pain and resentment?) and killed her father and two younger siblings. Her mother came home because Lavinia's younger brother tried to call for her on a sending stone before she killed him, and she was able to bind Lavinia and use her status to get Lavinia transferred to a penitentiary. She was mostly okay there while they were trying to get this thing out of her, but she did end up becoming fully possessed again and killing a bunch of people before a paladin (who had become protective of her after the clerics and staff treated her weird post finding out that she's actually a tiefling) managed to banish the thing from her, but not before several other paladins stabbed their swords through her chest and killed her. She was revived by a goddess of stars and stories and chaos, plucked from the lifestream and put back into her body because the goddess knew that Lavinia's life would turn into a great story some day. She's very big-sisterly and often the voice of reason, preferring not to do dumb things because she wants to keep everyone safe (she's usually overruled and has to keep her friends alive). She's a twilight cleric.

also some ocs for you after the conversations that we've been having!

there's Chuya (the mc we were talking about), who you know quite a bit about backstory-wise, but I will describe him for you. He's about 5'3" with black eyes that are often narrowed as he observes the world around him, like he's passing judgement or looking for something that's never quite there. Before he forged his chain, his hair was black, but afterwards (due to the physical and mental strain) it turned white. It goes a little past his shoulders and he usually has it up in a half ponytail to keep it out of his eyes but still keep his neck covered. If he's running around the city, he's wearing a black face mask to cover his nose and mouth (both because his lungs are weak and the smog is heavy, and because he's trying to remain as anonymous as possible). He's got kind of a bitchy personality, especially when people ask him for things or to do things for them (though he often does them anyway, just complains the whole time). He's impulsive and a little reckless, but also lazy about things he doesn't have immediate interest in. He is also very Gender™ and is as comfortable wearing a dress as he is a suit and tie. Incredibly loyal! Very family-oriented! A bit self-sacrificial! Will push himself to his death for what most people think are not good reasons!

and then there's Umbrius (aka Riu, Chuya's partner), the demon dragged out of hell and chained to a fragile man with a will to fight and a bloodlust that knocks Umbrius back on his heels. Umbrius is tall and strong and knows it. He's confident in his power and lazy to do anything that might make him stronger, lest he alienate himself from his peers even further. He's feared/respected even by demons of the same rank, and has become incredibly lonely (though he won't admit it) in the face of no one willing to do more than show him the utmost respect. Who would have thought that a frail little human with paper-thin patience would catch his attention and hold it long enough that he might develop feelings... His hair is short (a bit fluffy on top) and black, and his eyes are a very odd shade of shifty gold, sometimes without pupils. He can control shadows in two ways: 1) he can steal them from people around him and gather them into physical objects that he can stab/slice with, and 2) he can teleport short distances through shadows, though he has to have clearly seen the shadow he teleports to, including its specific shape, which means that there's often a time limit on the teleport as well. Not loyal at all and would leave someone to die to save his own skin (except Chuya bc he's the first bit of fun Umbrius has had in millennia)! Incredibly territorial about what he considers "his!" Very smart and kind of a dick!

special shoutouts to Kara, who is a caffeine-addicted lesbian with ADHD and major daddy issues, and Hina, who is a mute banshee with no social skills and an affinity for stabbing people to keep her gruff and reluctant New Dad safe