#a size 8-10 and refuse to shut the fuck up about 'how fat' they are

[killbaned]

omg wooooooooooow a skinny white cis ~*~*alternative~*~*~ girl with a modeling career yes kween you’re breaking barriers we need to see more 😍😍😍😍😍

[hexalene]

A non-chronological, non-comprehensive list of some of the exhausting bullshit I have had to put up with enforcing our impossibly gentle masking policy. Sometimes we were able to enforce, most of the time we just let them in. For funsies, I was injured and in a sling for most of this shit:

1. “SHUT UP you fat fucking bitch you’ll never amount to ANYTHING in your STUPID FUCKING LIFE now get OUT OF MY WAY!” *proceeds to ram her grocery cart into my side*

2. “I’m not going to comprise MY FREEDOM.”

3. *grabs screaming toddler and runs in, holding the child between us, as if that will prevent me from noticing they don’t have a mask*

4. “No, I won’t wear...oh wait, I mean I have a medical condition.”

5. “I have a medical condition. It’s like cancer, in my face. It’s too painful to wear one. It’s also too painful for the face shield. It’s cancer.”

6. “What’s it called? I have asthma, I can’t wear one.”

7. “I’m overweight. I can’t wear one.”

8. “I’m not putting that MUZZLE on my face”

9. “The virus isn’t real, idiot.”

10. “I’m in a wheelchair, I don’t have to do anything you tell me.”

11. “I have an emotional support dog.”

12. “If you give me that, I’m just going to throw it away, so don’t even bother.”

13. “My sister is in the hospital, so I don’t have to wear one.”

14. “I’m not touching that thing.”

15. “The mask is more dangerous than the virus. It’ll stop the oxygen from reaching my brain.”

16. “I served in the military.”

17. “I’m only grabbing a coffee, so like, why bother?”

18. “My sister is a nurse and she says it’s not real.”

19. “Fuck you.”

20. *ten minutes of screaming at me, the managers, and passerby about his precious American freedoms being violated*

21. Two men in qanon shirts, openly carrying firearms. Clearly desperate to fight. Did not engage.

22. “Shut up.”

23. “Look, you’re that same bitch who was here last time, I don’t fucking care, just fucking leave me alone. I’m not wearing it.”

24. *grabs the whole box and throws it in the trash*

25. “Come on sweetheart, you know this is all shit. I know you wouldn’t wear one of you didn’t have to worry about your job. It’s so awful they’re making you cover your pretty face.”

26. “I’m not ruining my lipstick.”

27. “What are you going to do about it? I’m going in no matter what.”

28. “It’s against my religion. Jesus would never wear a mask.”

29. *pretends to not speak English* (note: came in daily speaking unaccented english for a year previous, only suddenly loosing this skill with the pandemic)

30. “Is this fun for you? Do you like harassing people??” (Literally. Just. Doing. My. Job.)

31. “Open this fucking door, I’m not talking to some employee, get your fucking manager.. SHUT UP. Shut up, get the manager, I’m coming in here.”

32. *holds a tissue over their face* “this counts.” (It does not)

33. “I’m over 65.” (DUDE)

34. “I’m pregnant.” (BRO)

35. “Get your manager, I’ll take you guys to court.”

36. *refuses the mask and proceeds to wave a fucking EMF reader over my body, because apparently the virus is a ghost*

37. *holds mask on their face as if they’re putting it on, put drops it as soon as they think I can’t see.*

38. *gets mad, proceeds to SPIT ON THE PRODUCE DISPLAYS* (we had to pull and waste out the whole fucking shelf fuck this guy)

39. *physically shoves me out of the way*

40. “I’m allergic to masks. I can’t have anything on my face at all.”

41. *talks on their phone, talking louder to “drown” me out while trying to speed by*

42. *has a literal pink fuzzy sleeping mask over their mouth*

43. “This is all going to go away after the election, so don’t sit here and pretend it’s real.”

44. “The president isn’t wearing one, so I’m not wearing one.”

45. “I’ve never been to CHYNA.”

46. “I don’t support BLM” (????????????)

47. “Oh I already have it, so it doesn’t matter.” (Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!????????? IS THAT PRESENT TENSE????????? He was not allowed in, for the record.)

48. *a repeating anti-masking offender, wildly drunk and three times my size, barreled by me, proceeded to open and drink mouthwash right off the shelf. Made several sexual advances at me and another female employee, so we got to step aside while the male management dealt with him*

49. *a literal pair of panties, the creep*

50. *this dude fuckin rolls up in a fuckin $700,000 car, parks on the fire lane, leaves his fuckin door wide open with the KEYS IN THE IGNITION AND STILL RUNNING, moonwalks the fuck in with his dog, and waves me down like I’m the goddamn host at a restaurant and tells me to go get my manager, but to “take a long time, because I’ll be finishing my shopping while you’re gone, and they’re not going to stop me.”

51. *gets caught swapping price tags, AND refusing a mask* “pull that stupid thing off your face, HONEY, I can’t hear anything you’re saying.” Proceeds to tell management that I am “a serious problem, the rudest bitch she’s ever met, and she will NOT be coming back to this store. They should fire me, because she’s never been treated so rudely before. Take that little girl off the schedule. What happened to customer service?” Reminder: she was caught stealing while I was trying to enforce the mask policy.

52. *I offer a mask, get shut down with bullshit “me and my five kids and husband all have a medical condition” whatever. I say all right and go back to my station. Bitch calls the store after she leaves and screams that I discriminated against her and her family.

53. “I’m a priest.”

54. *a pair of police officers who come in while I’m stuck with a different and more boring antimasker, without masks, I try to stop them, but they laugh. Dumbasses. The station is down the street. We called and reported them to their superior. Got a NICE official apology for that one.

55. *wearing a literal fursuit, which....counts.....I guess??? This person was actually fine, but I’m on a ptsd flashback and they’re there*

56. “Only if you have toilet paper.”

57. “We can’t wear those things. How will we get herd immunity???”

58. *a pair of basketball shorts*

59. *a sock*

60. *a “mask” with the mouth cut out

61. No wait I’m stopping here, this is literally endless

Please for the love of god be kind to your essential workers, we’ve been doing the normal work routine on hardcore survivalist mode all 2020, and I am so ready for the vaccine please please please let this year end

[artificialqueens]

Beneath the Amber Moon, Part 10 (Galactica AU Group Fic) – TheDane & Veronica

Heyyy!! Welcome to Part 10 of “Beneath the Amber Moon,” a group fic set in the Galactica Universe. Click here for previous chapters.

We hope you’re enjoying it! Let us know what you think!

Summary: Find out what happens after Violet ran off from lunch! ...And join the fam for a nightclub shit show.

/////

Violet made it onto the deck, walking to the railing and grasping it, her mind a mantra of don’t throw up, don’t throw up, don’t throw up...

“Are you okay, darling?”

Violet looked up to see Sutan. “I’m sorry.” She choked up, the words getting caught in her throat, tears pressing and threatening to drop.

“Why are you sorry?” Sutan looked so concerned, his voice so soft as he took a step, and then another towards her, the familiar scent of the cigarettes Sutan still refused to give up for once not repulsing her, but calming her instead.

The tears fell, and Violet couldn’t stop them. “I can’t do this.”

“Of course you can.” Sutan touched Violet’s shoulders, his palms pressing down, grounding her. “What’s going on darling? I know eating with my friends isn’t always your favorite activity but-”

“It’s not that- I can’t” Violet wiped her tears, her mascara without a doubt smudging everywhere. “It’s not.. I’m sorry, I just… I don’t feel good…”

“Mata Indah.” Sutan touched her chin, gently lifting her head. “Listen to me.”

Violet nodded.

“You promised me you weren’t dying, is that still true?”

“I’m not dying.” Violet said the words with more conviction than she felt. They were true, the fact that was pregnant not able to kill her, at least not yet.

“Good.” Sutan released her chin, his hand gently touching her neck instead.. “Then, I promise you that you’ll be okay.” Sutan smiled. “Now breathe.”

Violet nodded, her breathing slowly getting under control.

/

“What’s wrong with Violet?” Julia asked, after she rushed away from the table, Sutan close behind her.

“Oh, she’s okay! She’s just been feeling a little sick,” Courtney said, trying to lighten the mood, although concern for Violet was pretty high on her list of anxieties at the moment. “Are you okay, Gracie?” she asked, looking across the table at the bewildered 3-year-old.

Grace nodded, but her lower lip trembled.

“Do you wanna come sit over here?” Courtney asked, opening her arm.

After another nod, she smiled and pulled Grace’s chair close to her.

“There we go! Now it’s a party.”

“Party!” Owen enthused.

“That’s my boy,” Adore laughed, and then suddenly her face went pale. “Oh shit…”

“Ooooh, you said the S word!”

Courtney turned in the direction Adore was looking to see Jinkx strolling in, taking a glass of fresh-squeezed guava juice from a tray.

“Adios, muchachos,” Adore whispered, and then ducked under the table, scampering to the other exit before her girlfriend would have the chance to spot her.

Courtney opened her mouth to protest, but by then she was gone. She groaned softly.

“They’re dropping like flies,” Julia commented.

“Tell me about it,” said Courtney, realizing that she was now the only adult looking after the kids, and that Jinkx was walking towards them with a tray and a big smile.

“Hi, guys!”

“Hey Jinkx.”

“I figured you’d be with Adore.”

“Oh, uh…”

“I hope she’s okay.”

“She’s okay!” Owen said. “She just ran out that way!”

“Did she.” Jinkx’ voice was flat.

“Well,” Courtney tried to backpedal. “I don’t know if ‘ran’ is the right-”

“Yeah, she ran! Super fast!” Owen added cheerfully.

Jinkx let out a huge sigh, and Courtney felt her stomach drop. All of this drama, and she’d still yet to see Bianca. She was exhausted.

“I get why she’d be avoiding Alaska right now, but...why is she avoiding me?” Jinkx asked.

“Uhh…” Courtney faltered, unsure how to answer. She wasn’t even sure that she fully understood what Adore was feeling, and she certainly didn’t want to betray her trust. She figured she better keep her mouth shut.

“Look, I know you’re her friend, but I need to tell you...I’m on her side, here. I was a little annoyed at her for avoiding us, but now...I get how she feels, and I’m only trying to make Alaska understand.”

Courtney nodded, wishing she was anywhere but this table, getting deeper and deeper into her friend’s relationship drama. Especially when Fame walked in, immediately shooting her a look that sent shivers down her spine.

/////

“Do you want this in an 8 or a 10?”

“A 10?! Who do you think I am?”

“Someone who hasn’t dropped their baby weight, yes.”

“I’m a size 6, so fuck you.”

“If Raja told you that, you need to take her to court for lying.”

Raven whirled around, hands on her hips, and Karl backed up, laughing.

“Don’t shoot the messenger!”

“Tell me what’s going on!”

“Uh...we’re shopping?” Karl smiled sweetly, pulling another dress off the rack.

“What’s going on with you and Raja? What are you plotting?”

“Well…” Karl bit his lip, shifting nervously. “I really didn’t want to be the one to tell you, but…”

“Yes?”

“...Raja and I are…”

“Spill it!”

“...We’re in love and we’re planning to run off and elope and move to Morocco together. I’m sorry!” Karl hid his face in his hands, fake-crying.

Raven glared at him, a huff of annoyance leaving her.

“Fuck you.”

“I’m sorry, Raven, please don’t hate me!” Karl clutched his chest, reaching out an arm dramatically as Raven pulled the dressing room curtain shut, then dissolving into giggles and wiping his eyes.

/////

Courtney leaned on the railing of the boat, sighing. Between Violet’s pregnancy panic and Adore’s relationship drama, it seemed like she hadn’t had a moment to herself all day to process the situation with Bianca. The memory of Bianca’s body against hers was still so fresh, she could almost taste her, and yet, she’d never felt farther away.

She turned her face to the sky, watching the storm clouds rolling in once again, rain trickling down, the brief and sunny respite apparently over. Her skin felt tight and itchy, and suddenly Courtney couldn’t take it anymore. Without thinking about it, she pulled off her cover-up and dove off the side of the boat. Once safely submerged in the cold, clear water, she let out a primal scream.

When she surfaced again, one of the stewards was already running towards her with a life preserver. Damn. Say what you will about Fame, but the woman sure knew how to staff a yacht.

“I’m fine!” Courtney called him to him weakly, treading water. She took ahold of the life preserver and followed his directions to the ladder, climbing up onto the lower deck a bit sheepishly, dripping wet.

Luckily, it appeared that no one else had seen her dramatic little display. Or so she thought, until she saw Raja strolling on the deck with squirming Isolde in her arms, laughing.

"I'd give it a 6 out of 10 for the jump, but it would have been much more impressive with an audience,” she said, and off Courtney’s embarrassed grimace, added, “Rough day?”

Courtney sighed, accepting the towel from the steward and nodding.

“I guess you could say that.”

"So the great Courtney Act is having trouble in Paradise, huh?" Raja smiled. "If you promise not to cry on her, you can have some baby cuddles. She's not as fat as Grace was, but she does give good hugs."

Courtney happily took Isolde into her arms and began cooing at her.

“She’s really beautiful.”

“I know,” Raja said. “And thank god for that. Her life will be much easier.”

“Maybe…”

“Come on. You have to admit, it's a good thing to be in this world. Opens a lot of doors, and hearts...and checkbooks."

“Right…” Courtney said, taking in their luxurious surroundings, a little ashamed at how ungrateful she’d been. “It really could be a lot worse, couldn’t it?”

Raja leaned in, placing a firm hand on Courtney’s shoulder as she said, “You bet your ass it could.”

/////

The atmosphere was perfect, the music was excellent, the cocktails mixed exactly right and everyone had made at least a decent effort in getting dressed, Fame sending a strong worded email to everyone about proper dress code when she had planned the trip after Juju had dared to show up in jeans to a cocktail party.

The club was what Fame had looked forward to the most. It had been Patrick’s suggestion, her husband knowing her so very well. Fame liked going out, but as she had gotten older, she had started to detest having strangers around more and more, unless she and Patrick where hunting for someone to share their bed, or playing a game of finding a lover for their lover, and even then, she preferred it in a setting where she was in control of everything. She had reserved the club’s entire balcony area, the dance floor just steps away if anyone desired it, but as her friends all arrived, Fame was just looking forward to celebrating with her nearest and dearest. (And Courtney, but nothing was ever perfect.)

Fame had used her annoyance to make sure she overshadowed everyone, her white Valentino dress with a sharp collar making her look fearless and fierce, her eye makeup done with shades of green, her golden jewelry all carefully picked out so she looked spectacular.

Patrick slipped an arm around her waist, handing her a glass of champagne.

“Happy birthday, darling.”

“Thank you,” Fame said, kissing him gently, pointedly ignoring Bianca’s puppy eyes from the sofa, adding decisively, “It’s gonna be a great night.”

“Who are you trying to convince?”

Unprepared to answer, Fame just took a gulp of champagne and leaned a head on his shoulder.

/////

Raven perched on one of the velvet sofas, eyes scanning the group for someone to share a bit of gossip. She spotted Juju, snuggled under Detox’s arm, giggling girlishly, and rolled her eyes, her annoyance at Raja changing to a brief stab of loneliness, which Raven wasn’t going to stand for at all.

“Juju! Bitch I know you can hear me! Over here!”

Juju gave Detox a tender kiss on the cheek, the man laughing before Juju walked over to Raven on the sofa.

“Hey Rave.”

“What’s with you two?” Raven asked, sipping her champagne.

“Oh, you know...sometimes I remember that we kinda like each other.” Juju smiled, tucking a bit of her hair behind her ear. “We were just fighting and then we were all wet.. One thing kinda led to the other and.. You know.” Juju smirked, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Gross.” Raven snorted. “I don’t want to think of De’s dick.”

“So don’t,” Juju said, tonguing her straw with a sassy wink. “Though I will, and with pleasure I might add.” At Raven’s disgusted face, Juju laughed and added, “So what’s up?”

“I’m just so glad to have grown-up time,” Raven sighed, clearly sarcastic as she picked up her drink, taking a sip. “It’s great to have a break!” Raven smiled.

“You have two nannies,” Juju reminded her, and Raven stuck out her tongue.

She then turned her attention to the group, scanning everyone with a critical eye, mouth pursed in judgment.

“Uh oh…” Juju braced herself for the onslaught of gossip she knew would be coming next.

“Does Violet look strange to you?” Raven asked, lowering her voice. Violet was wearing a simple green dress in a structured satin, her hair styled in soft curls around her head. She was drinking something clear, her fingers wrapped around a tall glass as she was standing at Sutan’s side, Sutan vibarently discussing something with Karl.

“More strange that usual?”

“Yes! She’s acting like a cat, all skittish and scared. I mean, I know she’s been sick but it seems more...I don’t know, she feels distant?”

“She’s been nice to me.” Juju leaned back on the couch. “Maybe she just doesn’t like you anymore.”

“You bitch!” Raven gasped, unable to hide her delight. Raven snuggled in, lowering her voice as she whispered to Juju. “Raja told me that Courtney had a total breakdown earlier. Like, lost her shit and jumped off the boat.”

“No! Really?!”

“Yes, really. What do you think that was all about?”

“Hmmm...well, I don’t know, but Bianca is in a mood too. It’s probably related.”

“Ugh, I certainly hope not. You’d think they’d have both learned their lesson by now. No reason to retread that tired relationship.”

“True,” Juju said, stirring her drink. “And where’s your lovely wife?”

“She’s probably off with Karl again,” Raven scoffed. Off Juju’s confused expression, she explained, “They’re up to something, and Raja won’t tell me what.” Raven huffed. “If she thinks that I’m putting out while she’s being a shady bitch, then she’s got another think coming.”

“Well, alright then,” Juju said.

“You wanna know the real timebomb tonight?” Raven gestured to Alaska, double fisting her cocktails, guzzling them down at an alarming rate while Jinkx looked on tiredly. “Just wait. That shit’s gonna blow.”

“Oh wow. She better not knock Jinkxy off the wagon.”

“It might be entertaining,” Raven cackled.

“No dude. You weren’t there. Brazil is not ready for that horror show.”

“I mean, all that was before my time, so...I wouldn’t be mad about it.”

“You’re so evil,” Juju laughed, shaking her head.

“And what about our darling birthday girl? What could be bothering her on this festive night?”

Fame sipped a champagne slowly, expression a bit blank, almost glum.

“Well...I don’t know. Everything’s been great; she should be thrilled.”

“I know!”

“Maybe too much perfection is tiresome?” Juju offered.

“Fame! Come here, my love!”

/

“I made some calls.” Karl nudged Raja with his shoulder, cutting off the woman who had been talking to Patrick. Raja turned, looking at Karl, an eyebrow raised.

“Seriously? You’ve ‘made calls’ already?”

“You said to bring you an offer. I’m bringing it.” Karl smiled, clearly beyond pleased with himself. “Estee Lauder is looking for a more elegant face for their latest skinline.”

“You want me to go commercial, Westerberg?” Raja smirked. “You think I’m interested in that?”

“Lauder today, my dear Raja.” Karl said. “Dior tomorrow.”

/

Armed with some Dutch courage from the Mojito in her hand, Courtney tentatively made her way towards Bianca. She hadn’t had a chance to talk to her all day, and ever since that encounter with Fame at breakfast, the unsettled feeling about their whole situation was getting worse and worse.

“Karl! You fucking dickhole!” Bianca shrieked, punching him on the thigh. Karl looked down at her, surprised.

“What’s your problem, cunt?”

“You fucking spilled on me, cunt.” Bianca gestured to a tiny drop of white wine on her blouse.

“Okay...sorry? I’ll pay for your dry cleaning. Take it down a notch.” Karl rolled his eyes and resumed his conversation with Raja.

Bianca huffed, crossing her arms and glowering, and Courtney hesitated, hanging back. She was very obviously in a wretched mood, and trying to talk to her now could be disastrous. Quickly losing her nerve, Courtney turned back to the dance floor, bounding over to Adore.

She threw her arms around her friend from behind, squeezing her tightly.

“Let’s get fucked up,” she murmured into Adore’s ear, and was answered by a delighted squeal.

/////

Tonight was turning into a real shit show, Bianca realized with a slight groan. Fame was still ignoring her, and it seemed that so was Courtney - or at least, avoiding any contact. And Bianca wasn’t the only miserable one, from the look of Jinkx’ face as she tried to prevent Alaska from falling over, or from Raven’s pout, or Violet’s even-more-blank-than-usual daze. This party was going downhill fast, and someone needed to do something.

A round of shots seemed like a good idea. She supposed that it wouldn’t help Jinkx, but Fame would appreciate it, at least. Except when she went to hand one to Fame, the blonde turned away, spine ramrod straight and shoulders tense, refusing to even look her in the eye.

Bianca sighed, knocking back another shot of her own, anything to dull the nagging insecurity bubbling up. She turned to Violet.

“Here, take this,” she said. It was more of a command than an offer.

“No thanks.” Violet looked down at the shot like it was poison, her lips twisted. “I’d rather not.”

“Come on, it won’t hurt you...” Bianca wheedled, attempting to put the glass into her hands, flashing her a smile. “I’m trying to be nice here.”

“Thank you, but no thanks.”

“Ugh, come on!” Bianca was growing frustrated. Why didn’t anyone understand when she was being charming and generous? Even as she spoke, she cringed a bit, knowing that she was starting to sound like an after-school special but unable to stop herself. “You know, it would help you loosen the fuck up...and maybe you wouldn’t be so fucking boring.”

“You’re drunk, Bianca.” Violet was clutching her glass, clearly beyond uncomfortable with the entire situation.

Bianca looked Violet up and down, eyes landing on her glass, and realised that it was water.

“Why won’t you just drink it?! What are you, pregnant?”

Violet dropped her glass, her entire body freezing in place, her face going completely pale.

“Oh, you are?” Bianca snorted. Of course she was, the shit cherry on top of the shit sundae that was this entire shitty night. “Nevermind, I guess. Sorry.” Bianca shrugged, walking towards Detox and handing the shot to him instead.

Violet was standing completely alone, the shards of the glass between her feet, when Raven jumped on her.

“Violet! Are you really pregnant?!” Raven shrieked, jumping up and down. “Oh my god!”

“I-”

“Our babies are going to be best friends!”

“Ugh!” came an indignant noise from the corner, Alaska whining, “Why does she get a baby?”

“Shh!”

Bianca shook her head and turned back to the action, just in time to see Violet pushing Raven away, the woman running down the steps. If Bianca she wasn’t so wrapped up in drowning her own sorrows, she probably would have felt bad, Violet clearly not wanting to share her news with the class.

“I hope it’s true!” Raven clapped her hands. “This is so exciting!”

“Is she okay?” Juju asked, frowning. “Should we go after her?”

“Oh, I’m sure she’s fine. Probably just needs to puke.” Raven replied. “This explains so much,”

Juju bit her lip. “Maybe someone should check on her?” She scanned the club, seeing Sutan who had just returned from the bathroom. “TanTan!” Juju yelled, waving her arms.

Sutan looked up from the bar, his brow furrowed in confusion, until he found Juju. He grabbed his beer and strolled over to the group, a happy, drunken smile on his face.

“Heyy, what’s up, ladies?” Sutan draped his arms over Juju’s shoulder, pulling her against his side as he took a long swing of his beer.

“Not much,” Bianca said. “Why didn’t you tell us your girl is knocked up?”

Sutan stared at her, the woman acting nothing like the person he sometimes called friend.

“I...what?” Sutan’s mouth hung open.

“Ohh, you didn’t know,” Bianca realized. She shrugged and handed him a shot. “Shit. Well. Congrats, Papa.”

“Bianca!” Fame exclaimed, horrified. “I can’t believe you!”

“What, how was I supposed to know that he didn’t know?! And anyway, he was gonna find out. I mean Raven’s here.”

“Don’t blame me!” Raven threw her hands up. “You’re the big mouth this time, Bibi!”

“Oops,” Bianca snorted, then continued to tease Sutan, oblivious to the shocked, distressed look on his face. “Seems like Violet will have to share her Daddy now, huh?”

“Wow, Bianca, pot/kettle much?” Raven laughed.

“So?” she replied, also laughing. “It’s still true…”

“I...need to…” Sutan’s eyes darted around the club like crazy, his face ashy.

“Violet went that way,” Juju advised, a hand on his shoulder.

Sutan stood for another moment, blinking, slowly turning in the direction Juju pointed. Then, he took off, practically sprinting down the steps and through the crowd.

[corvvii]

Another Interview with Leonnaux Altoix

1. What is the name you go by?

“Leonnaux, though most of Alizarine refers to me as ‘Leon.’ I don’t mind it, really; it certainly has a ring to it. Funnily enough, my girlfriend actually refers to me fully as ‘Leonnaux,’ barring any pet names! At the end of the day, it comes down to preference and how willing one is to navigate bullshite Elezen names, I suppose.”

2. What is your real name?

He hesitates. “Leonnaux Altoix.”

*OOC Note: Lie detected. His real name is Leonnaux Declurais. He uses an assumed surname to distance himself from his family back in Gridania, and make himself feel closer to his long-missing father.

3. Do you know why you are named that?

“Why is anyone named anything? I suppose my mother just liked the name, I suppose. As for Altoix... I’m not sure where it comes from.”

4. Are you single or taken?

“I’m in a relationship, aye. Her name is Edda Vincents. We’ve not been without our difficulties, particularly erm... Recently, but that comes with the territory, I think. I do my best to support her, when she’ll let me, and I’ll love her always.” Mushy as it is, a big grin breaks across his lips and he gives a stern nod.

5. Have any abilities or powers?

“I’m versed in magic, if that’s what you’re asking. Namely, I practice arcanima, and would consider myself reasonably skilled at it, although I struggle with the, erm... Putting the theory into practice occasionally. Other than that, I’m skilled with arcanima, and... Well... I don’t think that qualifies as a power, really...” He trails off in a huff.

*OOC Note: Leon has the Echo (visions only), but he doesn’t know what it is. These visions are also liable to make him very, very sick, and he has no idea what causes them, so as far as he’s concerned at the moment they’re just an unfortunate medical condition.

6. What is your favorite food?

“Um! That’s actually pretty tough. I would wager... Uh... Well. At the moment, I really like these pastries that they sell in the lobby of the Sultana’s Breath...”

7. What’s your eye color?

“Blue.”

8. How about your hair color?

“Black.”

9. Have you any family members?

“... None that I’m on speaking terms with.”

10. What about pets?

“I have a cat, uh... Though I guess she doesn’t really belong to me so much as I plucked her out of an antique shop and now she kind of wanders around The Goblet and visits me whenever she either finds something interesting or wants attention or food. She has a cute little hat--oh. I also have a copperfish. But that’s not interesting.”

11. Now tell me about something you don’t like?

“At length? I think I’ll spare you the trouble... I despise people who put their bloodthirst before anything else. They ought to know better than anyone that lives have weight; to believe otherwise is to paint yourself as a psychopath. I’m also not particularly fond of tribal people, oh—But Edda would get onto me if she knew I said that out loud. And before you say anything: yes, I’m a Duskwight. No, you don’t understand the intricacies of why we are regarded as we are.”

12. Do you have any hobbies/activities you like?

“I enjoy... Studying. Gambling, from time to time. Reading drama. And drinking. Spending time with Edda... Chewing the fat with my coworkers... I’ll listen to a good bard from time to time. That shite takes me back; had things been different, maybe I could have been the one up on stage...!”

13. Ever hurt anyone before?

“Physically? Emotionally? Physically, I struggle to think I could hurt anyone. I’m hardly a grisled warrior like Ben or Jin. Some harm to body may have resulted, a few times, from spells I’ve cast, but I try to keep my spells benign. Emotionally? ... Certainly.”

14. Ever killed anyone?

“No, and I refuse to allow myself to be responsible for taking a life, even by proxy.””

15. What kind of animal are you?

“Caw?” He does a remarkable impression of a crow.

16. Name your worst habits.

“I have been told racism. Drinking, occasionally to excess. But I will not have it said that I’m not principled.”

17. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“Not many, being an Elezen.” He pauses. “What? Fine. I suppose I look up to a few people; Edda chief among them, but of course I’d admire her. Beyond that, I suppose Madison most times and Khada some others. I haven’t been in a position to be mentored or otherwise subservient to another in a very long time. That is not to say I’m not open to being taught a few things, but it makes coming up with people I look up to difficult... Considering the kinds of crowds I tend to run with. Of all my endeavors, Alizarine is the only one that is clean.”

18. Gay, straight, or bisexual?

“You’re asking about my sexual preferences, right? I’m happily taken. But if I weren’t, I think I could see myself as easily with a man as I could a woman.”

19. Do you go to school?

“I never went to school. I was taught how to read and do basic maths by a family friend, and then everything else I know, I taught myself.”

20. Do you ever want to marry and have kids one day?

“Uh... The idea of getting married is... Not altogether unappealing, but I don’t think I’m ready for such a major step. As for children... I would make a shite father. So no.”

21. Do you have fanboys/fangirls?

“Do I have any what?”

22. What are you most afraid of?

“... Being alone again, I suppose. Before Edda, and way before Alizarine, I was pretty much... A shut-in? A recluse? I didn’t mind that life at the time, but I feel so much... Better now that I’m not. Edda pulled me out of some dark places. I don’t want to go back to them.”

23. What do you usually wear?

“Things so marvellously stylish that you will wonder how I afforded them! The boots are Fen-Yll.”

24. Do you love someone?

“As we’ve been over a few times: yes.”

25. When was the last time you wet yourself?

“What the fuck kind of question is that? I’m an adult! The last time I would have wet myself would be as a wee bab.”

26. What do you think is the worst act someone can commit?

“That’s a toss-up between murder and sex crimes. Selling off people as if they were livestock is also horrid. I have my hands in a few untoward things, but you will never see me with a finger in any of those pies.”

27. What class are you? (high class, middle class, low class)

“... Upper-middle? I’m no member of the Syndicate, but I’m hardly poor. I own property. I run a research company. I’m comfortable.”

28. How many friends do you have?

“... Uh...” He starts counting on his fingers, then seems to reconsider. “A few.”

29. What are your thoughts on pie? Cake?

“Both are excellent, especially apple pie and apple cake, which I promise exists. My mother used to make it for us all the time as kids using faerie applies she’s pick from these trees on the—Oh, I made myself sad.”

30. Favorite drink?

“Alcoholic? I fancy myself a bit of a mixologist these days, so I’ve come up with a few interesting combinations that I enjoy. Chief among them are Gold Court cocktails, on sale frequently at The Cloak & Dagger. I also like the restaurant’s titular cocktail... As for non-alcoholic, lassi is good. Fruit juices. Water. I don’t sit down and drink milk, really, but sometimes I get... Cravings?”

31. What’s your favorite place?

“Home. Or The Brimming Heart, in the Goblet.”

32. Are you interested in someone?

“I’m in a relationship! Of course I’m interested in her!”

33. What’s your bra cup size and/or how big is your willy?

“Ask Edda.”

34. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

“A lake... Because the water is calmer, and I’m not a strong swimmer...”

35. What’s your type?

“I’m not sure that I have one, honestly. I’m in a relationship, but I think anyone who was kind and willing to tolerate my bullshite for more than five minutes would have had a chance.” He laughs. “If—and this is a big if—I ever have to find out if I do, indeed have a type that I’m habitually attracted to... You’ll be the first to know. But for now, my type is Edda Vincents.”

36. Any fetishes?

He turns bright red considering the question, then shakes his head.

37. Seme or uke? Dominant or submissive?

“I don’t know what the former two are... Is it a Hingan thing...? Uh... As for the latter...” He’s still bright red. “It depends on the mood?”

38. Camping or indoors?

“Indoors.”

39. You are trapped on a desert island. What 5 items do you take with you if you can?

“I would avoid being trapped on the desert island in the first place! Other than that... My linkpearls, my grimoire, a quill, a map of the realm, and...? Ugh! This is hard.”

40. You have found a genie! What are your three wishes, not counting getting more wishes.

“I would wish for the power to bring those who have wronged the people I care about to justice. Uh... Wow, that sounds deep but it’s really not. Let’s go money, happiness, food. that works just as well. Right?”

Tagged by: @solennelagarde Tagging: @celestial-benediction, @celesiel (for vio!), @khadamoks, @oroniri (for either Dali or Kubo you pick!!) @larhaya (for Irha), @rashkgeilt, @lazarusffxiv, @streetgardener, actually all of INK and any members of Ebonguard who haven’t done this interview meme and/or have a Tumblr. :>

[madstoner704]

Tales of the Angry Stoner: The Week of Extraordinary Degradation

This title has only been branded once before in 2017. The week beginning 1 December and ending 8 December has the branded title of “A Week of Extraordinary Degradation”, due to issues from management that are jeopardising any productivity within the workplace.

1 December 2017: “You know good and damn well-- even though you’re a bumbling eejit-- that I didn’t intend on hitting Robin with a bag of Crocs.” That day started placidly with my manager only fussing about how slow I’m working and how he wanted to get us all out at 9:45pm. “I don’t give a fuck about 9:45. I’m gonna rob y’all blind on the $12.70 pay bracket, so my happy arse is gonna slow down, worse than I-77 in Cornelius at 8am rush hour. At 10:01pm, he started properly screaming, effing and blinding about how I’m jeopardising him going to a poncy bar in Uptown. Like I honestly give a fuck about him or his wanton to get shitfaced on a Friday night. I told him “I’m the only motherfucker that matters, as far as I’m concerned; and I don’t drink on Fridays, so I’m gonna continue working at my speed.” Then, he said “You put more of an effort running the Charlotte Marathon and less on your work.” Motherfucker, The only reason why I put more forth an effort doing road races and shit is because I’ve never been injured running races. I’ve been injured on the clock. So you need to shut that shit up and let me finish THIS FUCKING TRUCK and I’ll walk out. When he said that, there was a wall of incompatibles, that HAD to get out the truck.  The quality control lady was in my direct line of fire when I mistakenly hit her with a bag of Crocs. He got pissy with me and told me that “If you hit anyone else with an IC bag, you’re gonna be fired”. He then said, “fuck outta my Goddamn face”. That’s when I went completely off on him. “First and foremost, I don’t know who the fuck you are cussing at. I don’t take my motherfucking ass 90 minutes, all the way out the way to deal with your bullshit for 4 hours so I can go home with a fucking headache. You are the most ignorant cunt I’ve ever had to deal with, and I’ve had to deal with plenty of cunts in my 27 years of living. I don’t know why the fuck you think it’s permissible to be cussing at me when you have all these reprobate motherfuckers who don’t do shit who can get your wrath. But the gay nigga who comes into work to work, you just cuss him out like $.02 on a discarded EBT card? Nigga, you can kiss the left cheek of my motherfucking arse, pinch my right side and lick my hole, for all I fucking care. You don’t have to deal with me after Christmas because I will be gone from this side. I’m fucking sick of you and your shit, you fucking ignorant, dumbass, dope smoking heifer. Bye, child. My cuss-out was loud enough that half the warehouse was able to hear it. He was mumbling, I was speaking English. I went to the clock-out machine at approximately 10:27pm, didn’t clock out at the clock-out machine, went back to the sector. On the way back to the sector for Round 2, I gave my manager a warning as I was screaming his name with “I’M NOT DONE WITH YOUR STUPID ASS, YOU FUCKING EEJIT!” When I went back over there, I told my manager and his manager, “I don’t give a fuck what you do herein, but know this, if you think I’m coming on Sunday to listen to your shit, you have another think coming. The only time I will come in is if I drink before leaving the house and smoke immediately before coming in. You got me fucked up, you stupid ass bastard making bastard.” During the 3PS, I was admonished (and praised) for the swearing match, as they stated that it could’ve gotten a 4.5/5 stars. Furthermore, I said “As far as I’m concerned, these fucking cunts can have a 3-ring binder on my ass; I don’t give a FUCK!”

2 December 2017: “I bet you this nigger had to postpone going to that poncy bar to tonight. If I see him tonight, hopefully my Goddamn taser is flat.” Goddamn, I’m a clairvoyant. He had to postpone going to the poncy bar he likes going to. I had to giggle when I saw him getting out of his car in jeans that are just FAR too tight for him. I didn’t even go near the bar, I walked alongside the street adjacent. I wouldn’t be caught dead going into that fucking bar. It’ll end up closing within the next 6 months to a year.

3 December 2017: “All the EDM/Dubstep, beer and reefer in stock is not nearly enough to deal with your stupid ass. So, guess what? Thank God CATS is as shit as they are, so I’m gonna say this for the peanut gallery. At 8:30pm, SHARP, I will be walking out and the next time y’all will see my sexy arse will be tomorrow at 6:30pm.” He started going off on me about my refusal to get into a truck, so I replied to him “Your stupid ass spent more time drunk off your fat arse and less into finding a way to prevent this from happening again, so I’m the motherfucker who has to make executive decisions about what’s gonna happen for the latter part of 2 hours. So, what do you want to do, cos I’m not getting into a fucking truck, just for you to eff and jeff me over some shit I can’t avoid? Either you have someone getting these Goddamn ICs out this truck or have someone getting the boxes on the belt whilst I get said Goddamn ICs out of the truck. You need to hurry up and make your decision, because I only have 1 hour and 15 minutes left in this workday before I terminate the day.” I held to my promise and carried it through to the bitter end, leaving at 8:30:01pm on my watch, only warning given being “At the sight of me walking across the catwalk, it will be 8:30pm on-the-nose. Brought to you by Seiko.”

4 December 2017: “I don’t appreciate you just up and leaving like that in the middle of the workshift--”. When my manager’s manager said that, I told him “I don’t know what language you believe I speak, but in America, we speak English. And what I said last night was in the English language. And in English, I said that, “The last bus is at 9:00pm. I will be out the door at 8:30pm, sharp. I shouldn’t have even left my flat for this shit.” I still did not go into a truck that night.

5 December 2017: “All that effing, jeffing and bitching you do; it isn’t cute. You’re worse than a little bitch.” This is a day, I actually toned out my manager and his bullshit... until 10:15pm. That’s when he actually came into my truck to tell me to hurry up because he had things to do. “I don’t give a fuck about what you have to do, had to do or need to do; what I need to do is finish this truck in peace so I can be on this 11:00pm bus home. You’re not helping a  bit, so do us a favour and sling your hook.” 

6 December 2017: “You was late, go home”. I hope the janitors and 3PS were happy with the decorating that I did before I left work, 3 minutes after clocking in. I spazzed out to the point where my chest was hurting where I felt as if I was having an MI. 

7 December 2017: “You have me out here on another witch hunt again, honest to God, I will call Memphis and your arse will be on the carpet. I don’t give a fuck if you send me home early, but I’m staying clocked in all the way to 10:45pm.” That day, I gave my manager the lashing-out that actually overshadowed the initial swearing match. Reason 1, he put me IN A TRUCK with an eejit who doesn’t know what the fuck he is doing. 

6:58pm to 7:06pm- “You want to send me home over some bullshit when you needed someone to regulate whatever the fucking hell this Goddamn eejit is sending up; I shouldn’t even be up this belt fixing his cock-up, whilst he’s in the truck looking like Dumbo the fucking fool. (IC crashing on metal catwalk) For fuck’s sake, you sure enough rode the 29′ school bus; guess what? I’m not no cutaway bitch, I rode the regular sized bus. Can’t say shit, can you?

7:48pm to 8:11pm- “(screaming) Pick what fucking berth you want me in! Do you want me at 72 or do you want me at 84? I’m not Vanna White, for fuck’s sake. The only time I do any type of extra walking in between places are for two reasons: waiting on the next fucking bus or trying to get my dick sucked. You’re not a CATS bus and I’d punch all your teeth out if you ever sucked my dick. 

8:26pm to 8:56pm- (I walked to the human resources to put in my official request of defection)

9:31pm to 10:04pm- Quit worrying about the shit that’s happening at 81. You’re the main fucking reason I’m carrying my vape pen into this raggedy motherfucker to begin with. If I don’t smoke traditional fags, what the fuck you expect for me to do? You stress me out to the point where I’m losing my hair and my mind. I’d rather lose my hair because if I was to have lost my mind, nobody in Charlotte would like it. Nobody. Walk off, cos you can’t say shit, especially when I’ve gotten approval to vape by management, on the account that I lower my wattage so it won’t produce cumulonimbus clouds at my berth.

8 December 2017: Snowday!  I made it to work, to find out that the PTO that I put in for Wednesday as compensation for my manager’s bullshit and Friday 8 December actually went through. I didn’t have to deal with my manager’s bullshit and I left to go back to the house... just to find out that the furnace broke in the house. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the week of extraordinary degradation. Shit will only get worse before it gets better. If shit gets worse, more than likely, you’ll be getting your Christmas gifts on Boxing Day.

[puzzledshrike]

I have many thoughts, specifically this time about involuntary psychiatric stay and how to me it seriously exemplifies the failure of modern/Western med, as someone who grew up on a mainly holistic path

So first off, it is a dehumanizing nightmare. I wish I was exaggerating at all but they don’t give a shit who you are, will misgender and misname you (even if you’re cis! will explain that in a sec), and in general, if you don’t sit down and shut the fuck up, push down all your feelings and accept whatever drugs they arbitrarily throw at you, you will remain trapped there. That is something one of the jackass psychiatrists told me, the smug bastard. 

So first off the shame of having my neighbors and aunt/uncle who live down the street watch me get carted off was pretty bad and damning from the start, as well as people being legitimately surprised when I would (pleasantly, in a customer service voice that I refused to drop) tell them that yes, I was furious at them and yes, I did think they were all morons. Whatever. In the ER I was called he for the first 2 hours until I was like dude. She/her are my pronouns fucking stop calling me a guy and they didn’t even apologize. Also with every fucking person I told I was on progesterone to keep endometriosis from growing back, they would ask if I had “the surgery” like if that’s how they talked to me, how the fuck would they treat a trans/enby person? 

Had a roommate, she was on roughly 8 different meds. She was chatty and way more anxious than I will likely ever be but I was also busy shoving down any emotion that wasn’t slightly sarcastic pleasantness to be anxious myself. She generally didn’t hear a word I said and every time I made a contribution to the conversation I had to repeat myself roughly 3 or 4 times. I did fix the shower though, kind of. But honestly I think if she took just a little different care of herself she would be in a lot less pain/have less anxiety. She also got directly insulted by the nurses a bunch, they would mess with her, take her colored pencils, make fun of her semi-germaphobe quirks and like that’s fucking uncalled for. 

Which brings me to the staff. I have never met people less equipped for their job. Like fuck dude cashiers that get paid minimum treat people better than these fuckers. There were a few exceptions sure, and those people were cool but like 8/10 were vindictive for literally no reason. A lot of these people can’t leave and are so drugged they can barely function anyway, I joined a cookie baking thing for something to do and I was easily the most alert, one dude kept falling asleep. At least the OTs and social workers were legit nice. 

I had a knack for talking to people that made my roommate nervous, a boy who they had super sedated but still had a decent chat with me about art, and a less decent one about jesus but I got him singing green day so that was cool? Yeah apparently he does randomly beat the shit out of nurses at least 2x his size. He was in the room next door, scared the shit out of my roommate bc she thought he would come in and beat us up but I said probably not. Another guy I chatted with apparently was a straight up sexual predator, according to her. Seeing as I ignored most of the yelling outside when it happened but she listened to every word, I tended to believe her but like I guess I had bad luck. 

There’s nothing decent to do. They have old and generally shitty books, although I did get my hands on a Stephen King novel that I started to enjoy, “Movement Group” was like old people pilates bc a lot of these people couldn’t handle more exercise, although I didn’t get yelled at for convincing another girl to do jumping jacks with me. My roommate colored and I did a little bit but it is boring. No one shuts up too, and they open the door every 15 min at night so hope you didn’t enjoy sleep! Ignore the fact that a good sleep schedule is good for mood disorders!

Food is shit, don’t really need to go into that but thank fuck my parents were willing to visit and bring me something decent to eat. 

The 1st psychiatrist I saw was a smug bastard who basically was like well we’re gonna keep you another day, and maybe longer because you refuse these drugs I’m pushing on you without knowing you/your medical history, and if you get upset about it in any visible way we’ll just keep you longer. I would legit cage match with him holy shit like someone needs to hit that expression off his face. The 2nd one I saw was nicer, but stupid. Lied directly to his face but I’ve always been convincing like buddy you will never ever get me back here, I wouldn’t come here if it was the last goddamn place on earth.

I still managed to talk myself out in 2 days instead of the full three but it ruined my work week, my paycheck is gonna be shit this round, and I need to dump my therapist, which I will do with a carefully constructed script, and honestly it just made me damn good at hiding my rage/hatred, even better than before. Now it actually feels like a separate entity in my ribcage, and I imagine it unfurling like a black tar spider to take over the nice facade I kept up that whole time. Can’t go back to therapy now, that was the last straw and I can’t risk that ever happening again; I did debate crawling back to my therapist just cause I have no one left to crawl back to, although this whole thing drug up memories of my ex for me to get more bitter about. I’m legit on my own now, that’s a bummer but I never expected any different. Means I can handle this my way. There wasn’t even any music there, like nothing to let anything out and they expect people to get better in there? With no kindness, no personal touches, they couldn’t even note down that one girl preferred her middle name bc she hated her first name. People were catatonic because of how much shit they were on and you want them out of there? They couldn’t even offer food that was good for you, everything was sugar and fats and barely any vegetables.

I meant to make this have more of a here’s what they could do better spin but honestly? Burn the whole system down and start with some input from literally anyone else, not a for profit hospital. Oh and I saw the nurse that insulted me when i first came in, saying I looked awful and why did I have a haircut like that? when I was filling out my leaving paperwork so I was like at least I get to leave, you can spend the rest of your life in a job like this and god damn I thought she was gonna tear up my paperwork. Worth it.

[thotragnar0k]

i’ve been occasionally vague in my tags recently (don’t know if anyone actually reads them when i do add them but anyway) and I figured i should probably explain myself.

this past month of august has been really hard for all the good things that have happened in it. i’ve been feeling really upset about my body, my eating habits and my lifestyle, and while i thought being at home wasn’t helping, i was wrong (for reasons that will be explained in this super long post - i am so sorry people who don’t care about me).

i’ve never been happy with my weight. friends of mine have probably noticed that i put myself down a lot - saying self-deprecating things like I’m ugly and one such thing today i’m nowhere near pretty enough to a) marry rich and b) have a sugar daddy (you don’t need context here) - and it’s a problem i am subconsciously trying to fix. 

but as i was saying, my body and i have never been on good terms. i think that my curves are in all the wrong places, and i feel like i’m in that gross in-between where no clothes look good on me, and I don’t have the right proportions for my tall (5′7-5′8) body.

i celebrated my 20th birthday this year, twice technically. Once a few days before with my friends and another the weekend of with my family. Firstly the night out with my friends. Sidenote: I’m not a ‘night out’ kind of girl. I don’t really like to get hammered. I will, I just won’t drink so much that I’ll throw up - mostly because I’m lazy and down want to have to clean. But as we were all at home, I figured fuck it, lets go out-out. Sometimes you just need to go out and get drunk with some friends. 

three things happened that night that made me hate myself. three things, I don’t think I’ve actually told my friends (both of which are on tumblr and may see this if i don’t mass reblog other things immediately after it), or if i have I’ve played it off. 

the first thing: my choice of outfit. again body issues. and lack of night out clothing. i don’t own any jeans that actually sit on my waist. i have high waisted jeans but unfortunately they always slip down to my hips (under my muffin top). my friends looked gorgeous. i felt like i stood out, but in a really bad way. sure the dress i wore was nice, but it wasn’t anything like the outfits they were wearing; jeans and a fancy top. 

the second thing: dancing on a bar in coyote ugly. i did it because, you only dance on a bar once and they were doing it. i can’t dance. i have zero rhythm in this body. dancing on a bar did nothing to help my self confidence. i felt like everybody was watching me and judging me and it made me want to disappear into my bed and never leave it again. 

and the third thing, also happening in coyote ugly; riding a rodeo bull. sure i’d love to say that i was too drunk to care. but i wasn’t. i was tipsy sure, but not too drunk. the thing that made me hate myself during this section of the night out - i couldn’t even get on the bull. my thick ass thighs kept sticking to the seat of the bull and my weak arms couldn’t pull my fat ass up. Sure I got up eventually, but the embarrassment of not being able to get on a rodeo bull was enough to completely slam dunk my self esteem into a trash can and into a bottomless pit. so that was fantastic. 

concerning the weekend with my family; i found myself crying in the bathroom silently before we went to cardiff because i wanted to dress up nice because we were going to a nice steakhouse, but my problems with my body just made me want to hide under a big baggy jumper. 

and i did. i found my biggest, baggiest jumper and i hid in it, because I couldn’t stand to see my disgusting body in something vaguely form fitting. no one commented on it, no one cared, but i did. and to be honest, i think it ruined my birthday.

and thats so sad, that such a small insignificant thing could ruin a while day. but it did. and to me it didn’t feel like a small, insignificant thing. it felt like a huge weight on my shoulder, drowning me completely. it also impacted my relationship with my boyfriend. he noticed that i haven’t been texting him as much as i usually do (not that im crazy, i just like to know how his day is going) and when we were conversing I was barely responding and being quite distant. and i hate it that that’s a thing i do; isolating myself to deal with my problems. i’m better now. i talk to him as much as i used to do, if not slightly less because i have nothing to do at the moment and there’s no point texting him for a cuddle because i’m not anywhere near each other for that instant gratification.

there have been many a night this summer where i have depersonalised (link here for those who want to know more) because of these issues, and its so hard to pull myself out of that floaty feeling. I’m better at it now than I used to be, but it’s still so hard. 

i’ve had so many things i need to do in preparation for third year of uni but these episodes of depersonalisation have really stood in the way of actually doing that. i’ve got photos of a mutual that i need to retouch and send back to her but i can’t pick up the energy to sit at my laptop and do that work because i feel disconnected to part of my body. 

and knowing she’ll read this, she’ll say just send them over to me un-edited; but the nit-picky, perfectionist part of my brain refuses to let me do that. i can’t send them to you because these aren’t perfect. they aren’t right. i can’t send them because this stray hair is out of place or this photo isn’t quite correctly exposed and sure, it seems trivial but it isn’t to me. 

i went to a convention this past weekend; asylum steampunk in lincoln. i was helping my mum sell her books, occasionally assisting a photographer and his team, and running around taking photos. it was an odd convention; i felt as though i’d both done a lot and nothing at the same time. usually i feel so tired after a multiple day convention that i need a four day nap to catch up. but i was actually okay. 

i learned a lot about myself at that convention. firstly, i oddly like talking to people and selling books. sure it’s hella tiring for just sitting behind a stall and occasionally selling a product. but chatting to people was actually really nice. my family tend to stick to ourselves. for welsh people (y’know that stereotype that welsh people never shut up) we don’t tend to socialise much, and networking is not our strongest asset. 

the other thing i, well i guess i re-learned; photographing people at conventions for fun is actually fun. For the past three or four conventions i’ve been to - comic, gaming and steampunk - i’ve always been thinking about how i can use the photos as a series for university. but this time; i wasn’t thinking about that. i wasn’t caring if the background was any good, or if the lighting was perfect. i was just taking the photos. and it was so relaxing and fun. it wasn’t work.

for three of the four days we were at that convention, i got into the spirit and i dressed up for it. One of the outfits, that was sort of like a steampunk-y mechanic was a wide-full leg jumpsuit that my mum and i made together a few weeks before. i tracked half of my journey of that on twitter, (the bits i did, the cutting the fabric etc - my mum actually sewed the whole thing together- though i did give her a shoutout on twitter for all her hardwork). I actually really enjoyed wearing that outfit (mostly because the pockets were s o b i g), for the other two days i went slightly more piratey, wearing striped brown and black l=pants and a flowey striped white shirt one day and a light lace skirt and off the shoulder top on the other. that skirt, i don’t know why i don’t wear it more often (aside from the fact it doesn’t fit any outfits i have and i’ll look like an idiot wearing it anywhere other than a convention) because i think i look so good in it (baring in mind the lack of body positivity i have, this is a big deal).

the other thing that i’ve been doing this summer is i’ve been getting into make-up and even fashion i guess, trying to learn how to do that stuff (man it’s hard, why didn’t i start earlier). make-ups not so much of a problem in what i’m about to talk about, but watching fashion videos on youtube is rather annoying when you’re an average to slightly above average weight. I’ve not found (until today, the videos i’m watching right now as i write this) any youtubers that are fashion related that are anywhere near the shape/weight that i am. They’re either super skinny waifs who can fit into anything they want (and like that one i saw, saying that a size fourteen is a great size for oversized clothing - bitch please, stop) or plus size and self confident with those curves in the right places and much bigger than i can relate to. not that there’s a problem with either, there’s just not as much representation for the ‘average’ person. there probably is and i just haven’t found it (currently watching lucy wood) and i need to look better into it. i can guarantee that is definitely the case. but still i’d love youtube to recommend those youtubers to me please.

something that i did realise from the steampunk weekend was that i was so busy ‘working’ if you can call it that, that i forgot to eat the crap that i usually eat during the day, and i guess i forgot to drink water (which is not a good thing, drink water kids). but the main thing is not eating crap all day, paired with the amount of walking i did that weekend (almost 30,000 steps over four days) has actually made me lose half a stone since the last time i weighed myself at the end of july. (so i’m very pleased about this) 

so sure, while third year is going to be so, so stressful, i’m making steps towards feeling better about myself and making sure i do 5-10 thousand steps a day and not eat as much crap as i usually do, but most importantly; learning to love myself and my body. 

oh my god this post is so long. i’m so sorry anyone who reads all this. 

tl,dr: the month of august has been depressing, body issues galore and i’m probably being ridiculous but i’m trying to get better.

[pineappuu-pineappley]

women question thingy cuz im bored

GENERAL WOMANHOOD: 1. Do you like the color pink? nnnot really? pastel pink is kinda cool i guess 2. Did you play with Barbie dolls as a child? ye 3. How easily do you cry? not very? but more so now than before 4. What food do you eat the most of when you’re sad? i eat whatever tbh i dont sad eat? 5. How often do you experience boob sweat? whenever i sweat zz 6. How moody are you when you are you are on your period? doesnt really matter? idk 7. Have you ever thought you were pregnant because your period was late? binch i dont even get a text back i cant have sex HAHAHA 8. Have you ever been on the pill? no, but like my periods are so fucking bizarre so idk but ??? 9. Would you ever want to have children someday? tbh idk i guess but im still too young to decide lol 10. Have you ever given birth? If not, would you ever want to? no, and idk yet :v 11. How good of a cook do you consider yourself? a little above average because i just throw food in without recipes and stuff but my mother is a wizard 12. What is your favorite thing to cook? egg.. ngl its just crack dat bitch and cook it its easy af HAHA  13. Can you sew? ye i guess but not actual clothes 14. Do you consider yourself a feminist? i think so, but like i’m not “active” and also wtf is wrong with “feminists” that want death to men like seriously you’re also part of the problem yall crazy 15. How do you define “girl power?” power specifically for girls, may it be over their body or themselves?? 16. Have you ever wished you were born a male? a little but only cuz that one time i think i was gay for a friend and it would be much easier to come to terms with it, speaking of which i dont even know my sexuality but i dont really care LOL 17. Breastfeeding or formula? breastfeeding  18. What is your opinion of equal pay? its important!! but then if we’re not looking at gender its unfair if someone who does jackshit gets the same pay as someone working their literal ass off. instead of adjusting based on gender why not adjust it based on work done? if you slack off u get a pay cut if u work hard you get a raise? 19. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? ah shit uh, i think i’m both??? (that makes no sense) like i know i have no right to force someone to do something but at least maybe i’d like to talk to them about it? a life is a life /shrugs/ but ultimately it is not my choice to make if it’s not my situation, all i can do is to maybe let someone understand the morality behind say abortion. HOWEVER!!! i think birth control for period management because of certain conditions is good and this shouldn’t be taken away from people who need it!! I’m just so !!! at women getting refused treatment for a spontaneous abortion or whatever because its an abortion, but the body rejected the foetus all on its own!! she has a right to healthcare!! (i saw this on a documentary on abortion in the ph iirc and like refusing someone treatment because its not moral to “fully abort” a foetus, even though it’s already aborted by the BODY ITSELF and not by other MEANS is literally not caring for the person who needs the HELP?!?!!?? its more immoral to refuse healthcare to her than to give her healthcare to abort the foetus because the body aborted it by itself it is spontaneous sometimes it happens okay?????) 20. Have you ever experienced any sexism? If so, please explain. i dont think so tbh 21. What is one thing about women you think most men don’t know? not everyone wants your dick in their vagina shut the fuck up HAHA 22. Complete this phrase: I’m so glad I’m a woman because______. i’m not burdened by society rules about hugging my friends and make up? i have no idea tbh i’m just eh about everything am i even a woman HAHAHA

LIFE EXPERIENCES: 23. Have you ever been a Girl Scout? no 24. Have you ever been a ballerina? noo 25. Have you ever been a cheerleader? no 26. Were you ever voted as a homecoming or prom queen? can we eat prom? 27. Have you ever hosted a sleepover? yeah i guess but its just because my friends dont wanna walk one block home its great HAHA 28. Do you belong to a sorority? we dont have those things in here 29. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal? i used to keep a diary when i was a kid now i just want a bujo but where s my shit 30. American ladies: did you vote for Hillary Clinton? not american PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: 31. What is the longest your hair has ever been? a v-cut where the longest was at my asscrack 32. Have you ever cut your hair super short? shaved it for hair for hope uvu 33. What hairstyle do you wear the most? either down with a side parting or up/half-up in a hairstick, at home just an ugly ass bun. like my hair is nice but the style is meh 34. Have you ever dyed your hair? no, im afraid of spoiling it 35. What is the heaviest you have ever weighed? now im always heavy lmao  36. How muscular are you? i have some muscle in my calves and the top of my arms but im 90% fat so 37. Are your ears pierced? one on each lobe 38. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your ears? nah 39. Do you have any tattoos? If so, of what and where? noo 40. How often do you wear lipstick or lipgloss? almost never, if i wear makeup i still forget about it LOL 41. How often do you paint your nails? rarely 42. Have you ever worn any fake eyelashes or fake nails? yes at both but fake nails dont survive  43. How often do you shave/wax your legs? i never did  44. How white are your teeth? eh not very but its not stained v badly i guess 45. What do you think is your best physical feature? my softness? 46. What do you think is your worst physical feature? fats HAHA 47. Do you have a “look” (i.e. a mad/annoyed/upset stare)? blur face 48. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions? i dont i just make potato faces FASHION STYLE: 49. What is your favorite fashion brand? prolly iora or lalu or something i think they have korean-ish/school-girl ish aesthetic  50. Do you wear skirts and dresses at all? If so, how often? ye, not v often because school is anal about it :) 51. What is your dress size? dunno but i think im like a L-XL depending on cut? 52. Do you wear any high heels or stilettos at all? If so, how often? no, dont own any 53. Have you ever worn high heels casually? no? not really nah 54. How often do you wear a bra? only in public or when non-family members are in the house 55. Does it matter if your bra and panties match or not? i alternate between only 2 bras i dont care 56. Which are you more likely to go without: a bra or panties? i forgot to wear a bra like 3 times in my life two of which i already had noticecable boobs 57. How much of your underwear is white? i have a few now? 58. Have you ever worn a skirt or a dress without any panties underneath? yo wtf dont get ur vag juices everywhere omg also everything is dirty dont do that 59. What is the shortest length of skirts and dresses you are comfortable wearing? if i fold the butt part to wrap my butt and it manages to cover my entire butt i guess but only if i have safety shorts 60. How expensive was your prom dress? shit idr 61. What clothing item do you own the most of (if shirts, be specific to what kind)? t-shirts (but not anymore-) 62. How much jewelry do you typically wear? a pair of earrings, used to have a necklace but i havent got a new chain yet 63. How much makeup do you typically wear? either full face or none, twice before concealer + eyeliner thats it 64. Do you like eyeshadow? THAT SHITE BOMB 65. Do you carry a purse? i prefer a bigger bag because i bring way too much shit 66. What is your preferred way to carry a purse: In your hand, on your elbow, or on your elbow? slung on my shoulder 67. How big is your closet? not very 68. Have you ever looked through your closet an thought “I have nothing to wear”? YES WTF BC I LOOK LIKE A HOBO (also i literally keep running out of shirts nowadays) 69. Have you ever worn the same outfit more than once? ya what do u think i am a diva? HAHA 70. One-piece swimsuits or bikinis? t-shirt and shorts 71. Have you ever worn a mismatched bikini? i never put my body into a bikini 72. Do you like tube and halter tops fat arms man :v 73. Do you like crop tops? they look aesthetic af but just not on me HAHAHAH 74. Are you comfortable showing off a little cleavage? ye i guess WEDDING CRAZE: 75. Have you ever been a bridesmaid? no but i’ve been flower girl multiple times 76. Would you ever want to get married? i guess 77. For how long have you thought about your wedding? i dont even have a crush rn so i never even thought of it 78. How much of your wedding do you already have planned out? -100% 79. Indoor or outdoor wedding? church wedding preferable in an airconditioned one imean- HAHAHA 80. Would you want to have a lot of bridesmaids or just a couple? i dont have a lot of friends DATING & RELATIONSHIPS: 81. What is your current relationship status? single as a pringle never gonna mingle 82. Do you consider yourself a hopeless romantic? no 83. Are you a virgin? If not, which gender did you lose your virginity to? yes 84. What personality trait are you most attracted to? shit uh, (judging on my 2d biases) cheerful puppy type? 85. Have you ever been on a blind date? no 86. Has anyone ever tried to set you up on a date? noo 87. Do you kiss on a first date? no  88. How often do guys hit on you? never HAHA 89. Have you ever kissed another woman? If so, did you like it? shIt ya and ya, go away 90. Have you ever dated another woman? i almost did? 91. Is sex before marriage wrong? IT’S AGAINST THE MORAL ORDER!!! according to my religion but also even if it’s not religion its good to only give yourself to another after marriage uvu. but idk 92. After how long would you start to consider a relationship to be serious? i dont know maybe a year? LOL idek if someone can stand being with my after 2 weeks 93. Would you rather your lover give you chocolate or flowers? steak.. or like meat or like good food ENTERTAINMENT: 94. What celebrity do you most admire? i dont- know-? 95. Do you like romantic comedies? Any favorites? eh dont think so 96. Do you have a favorite romantic movie? no 97. Who is your favorite Disney princess? mulan? MERIDA? idk 98. What is your favorite Disney song? shit idk 99. Do you watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette? whats that 100. Have you ever watched Sex & The City? no 101. Have you ever watched any shows such as Project Runway or America’s Next Top Model? yeah but like random episodes on the tv with my mom, i rather watch masterchef junior but not with the newer seasons cuz my bro said the way they made it is like poo 102. Do you read romantic novels? If so, do you have any recommendations? im like -100% romantic please stop 103. Beyonce or Taylor Swift? beyonce maybe 104. Oprah Winfrey or Ellen DeGeneres? ellen? idk  A PILE OF RANDOMNESS: 105. Are you named after anyone? Dionne Warwick (not celine dion stop this shit i will fight you) 106. How many male friends do you have? nnnot many? i’m close to steffy tho yes bless uvu  107. Have you ever called your female friends your girlfriends? i can barely type “i love you” i cannot with cheesy shit so hazukashit 108. Have you ever called a non-lover a term such as honey, dear, babe, or darling? ye i call friendos bebe or something but only through text because im shy LOL 109. Have you ever dotted your I’s with a heart or a smiley face? hearts, i stopped bc a teacher was like “lol” in front of the entire class thanks 110. How many items do you own that are of a floral print design? idk but floral prints are nice 111. Name five things you always have in your purse. (not including phone and wallet) lipbalm (that i never use), axe oil (running out), vicks, tigerbalm (why do i have 2), blotting paper (also dont really use) 112. Have you ever lost anything inside your purse? my sanity jk idk 113. Have you ever carried a spare pair of underwear with you in your purse? only pads 114. What is the most amount of money you’ve ever spent in one single shopping trip? idk $60 maybe idk weep i spend it all online 115. Do you consider shopping a sport? no wtf but walking around a lot is a pain so i guess it could be 116. Have you ever used your cleavage or a bra as a purse? i use a bad stop with the purse i carry too much shit 117. Coffee or tea? tea 118. Can you do the splits? i will only split my pants and muscles open so no 119. Do you do any yoga? no 120. Have you ever been told that to have cute handwriting? yea but i think it’s messy and ugly and changes too often 121. How well can you write in cursive? look at 120 122. Have you ever successfully been on a diet? no fuck that 123. Do you or have you ever belonged to a book club? no 124. Have you ever talked yourself out of a driving ticket by using your looks? no lmao i dont even drive 125. Have you ever drank a non-alcoholic beverage out of a wine glass? i guess? 126. Showers or baths? showers 127. Have you ever tried using a toilet while standing up? ya its horrible because u dont have a dick to aim 128. Have you ever been considered the mother of your group of friends? ye actually- 129. Do you own any sex toys? no HAHA RATINGS: 130. From 1-10, how feminine do you consider yourself? 6? 131. From 1-10, how much are you like your mother? 7-8 132. From 1-10, how much do you look like your mother? 5 because i smile like her but a lot of people say i look like my dad 133. From 1-10, how much are you like your father? 3 he’s chill im not 134. From 1-10, how polite are you? depends but maybe 7 135. From 1-10, how cute do you consider your laugh? -11 136. From 1-10, how strict are you about manners? 5? 137. From 1-10, how much of a neat freak are you? 6 but my handwriting is shit 138. From 1-10, how much of a hopeless romantic are you? -11 139. From 1- 10, how healthy do you eat? 6? its Meat > veggies > fish (but cuz i dont like how fish is cooked here? i love meat but i need veg to live too but i dont like salads give me roasted veg or stir fry veg or veg soops uvu) 140. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays?  4?