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irb-pascalito-99 · 26 days

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Catch Me If You Can

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Rating: 18+ MDNI

Warnings: Smut, teasing, unprotected p in v, come play

Summary: Joel’s girl can’t stop staring at him while he’s fixing the table they broke.

A/N: This is an excerpt from Chapter Thirteen of my fic Always an Angel, Never a God. To read more of this pairing visit a03.

I lean back and watch the muscles in Joel’s back flex as he drills new bolts into the table. Beads of sweat roll down his arms and create dark patches on his t-shirt. I crawl toward him and kiss his neck as he puts the drill down.

“I think you should do this with your shirt off,” I mumble against his skin.

My hands slide underneath his shirt, trailing up his stomach and chest. Joel chuckles. He leans back slightly to give me better access.

I grab the hem of his t-shirt and pull it over his head. He lifts his arms as I do. Joel allows me a couple more kisses before he starts to work on the table again.

I chew on my bottom lip while I watch him. Joel doesn’t have defined abs or the form of a bodybuilder, but there’s no mistaking he has muscles. His arms and back flex as he picks up another table leg to screw into place.

I offered help when he started, but he wouldn’t allow it. Now, he focuses on the task at hand. His eyebrows crease as he bolts the leg into place. He shakes it firmly to assure it is strong before moving on to the next one. He looks over his shoulder to see me still staring at the definition in his arms and back.

“Careful now, I’ll start thinkin’ you only want me for my body,” he jokes with a wink in my direction.

“I like you for more than your body,” I lean back against a nearby wall while Joel searches for the bolts for the next leg.

“Oh really, like what?” He asks. I roll my eyes at his obvious attempt for compliments, but happily play into it.

“Well, turns out you’re good at making furniture,” I joke. He laughs and shakes his head before screwing in the next bolts.

I could think of a million reasons why I like Joel. He’s unbelievably generous. He’s smart, but he doesn’t rub your face in it. He’s amazing with Sarah, and so understanding with Ellie. He’s the kind of man who fucks you so hard against a table it breaks, and then spends the next afternoon putting it back together again. When he pauses with the drill again I continue with an honest answer to his question.

“You make me feel safe,” I say. He puts the drill down and turns his full attention to me. “I don’t have to pretend to be anyone else. I can fall apart a little around you. You make me feel safe.”

I keep my eyes on the ground. I don’t want to see Joel’s reaction to my statement. I don’t want to know if it’s too much too soon. We sit in silence until he picks up the drill again.

“You make me feel safe too,” He says. I lift my eyes from the floor. He fumbles with the screws in his hands. “I’ve been focused on Sarah for so long. It’s nice to be able to let go a little sometimes, have somethin’ for myself you know?”

My heart flutters at the notion of being something he holds for himself, that I could be as important to him as he is to me. I know Joel loves deeply, and Sarah will always be the biggest thing in his life, but I hadn’t thought of how lonely it must have been for him over these last several years.

Obviously Sarah’s mom leaving had left a hole in their family, but Joel lost more than a co-parent. He lost a partner, a wife. He’s never talked about her in a romantic sense. He hasn’t mentioned her at all since the hospital. I haven’t wanted to push him into opening up, but something about this conversation feels different. It feels as though he’s offering me something here.

“Did you have that with Annie?” I ask. Joel’s shoulders tense, and I fear I may have misread things. “Was it ever just easy?”

Joel focuses on drilling the screws into the final leg before he answers me. My heart thumps in anxiety. I shouldn’t have pushed. The weekend was going so well. Why did I have to push my luck?

“I guess it was for a minute there, when we were just young kids livin’ our lives,” He examines his work, shaking the table legs again as he continues explaining. He doesn’t look at me while he talks. “She got pregnant so early into our relationship though, so it didn’t stay like that for long.”

I debate on leaving it like that. Joel is clearly uncomfortable, but I want to know him better. I hardly know his past at all.

“Why? What happened?” I ask.

Joel rubs his face and then wipes his hands on his jeans. He doesn’t shy away from the topic, but I can tell he wants the conversation to be over. From what I can tell after conversations with Tommy and Sarah, Joel doesn’t talk about Annie with anyone these days. I find that strange coming from a man who’s been so adamant that I open myself up to others.

“It was just a lot of pressure,” Joel grabs one end of the table and turns it back over to stand on it’s legs. “Neither of us knew what we wanted or how to handle it. Our parents were furious. We thought marriage was the best answer but neither of us were ready for it. It was a giant dose of real world issues shoved into our teenage romance, so no it wasn’t ready for long.”

“Tommy mentioned you guys were on your own with all that.” I respond. Joel turns to me with a slightly angered look on his face.

“It’s not Tommy’s place to be sharing that,” he says. I shrink back into the wall slightly. Joel’s anger immediately dissipates after seeing my reaction. “Sorry it’s just, a part of my life I don’t want you to have to deal with.”

I try not to be angry that he chooses to hide that part of his life from me, but I find myself wondering why he doesn’t think he can trust me with it. He seems so keen on knowing my secrets and holding my darkness. I wish he’d let me do the same for him.

He doesn’t give me any more room to press him on the topic, choosing instead to bring the energy in the room back up. He picks me up and carries me over to the table. I squeal and kick my legs in the air, caught off guard by suddenly being thrown over Joel’s shoulder.

When he sets me down he places me on the finished table and stands between my parted knees. He places his hands on the surface of the table bracketing my hips. His lips come forward to meet mine, pulling me in for a deep kiss when he shakes the table roughly again. It stays firm on the ground, no creaking or concerns that it might collapse.

“Now that’s a proper table,” he says with a grin. He pulls me in for another kiss, immediately deepening it and bringing me closer to the edge of the table. As the kiss gets more heated I push him away. “What?”

“We are not fucking on the table again Miller, you just fixed it.” Joel’s big brown eyes morph into a sad pleading expression, but I refuse to cave. Instead I shake my head and cross my arms.

“Oh come on,” He kisses my neck, biting down enough to leave a mark on the skin.

“Joel” I moan and throw my head back. When he moves to the other side of my neck I shake my head to clear it and crawl across the table to the other side.

He stands with his hands still on the table. I grin at him while he gives me a grumpy look on the other side of the wood.

“Not on the table,” I say cheekily.

When he starts to round the corner toward me I run off in the opposite direction, heading for the stairs. I giggle as I hear him start to run after me. I’m halfway up the stairs when I feel his hands grip my waist and pull me off my feet. I kick my feet in the air and squeal.

Joel places my knees on the ground. I grab the edge of the steps in front of me and gasp when he grabs the waistband of my leggings and underwear, pulling both down my thighs. The material gathers at my knees as he fumbles with his belt.

“Joel,” I whine. The tension pulls in my center so much it almost hurts. I can feel the center of my thighs becoming slick as my wetness drips down the inside.

“I know baby. I know, I’ll make it feel better.” Joel yanks his own pants down enough that his cock springs out.

His hard length presses against my back causing me to moan as I press back into him. What started out as playful banter has turned into overwhelming need. Joel runs his fingers along my folds, groaning loudly when he realizes how wet I am.

“Oh darlin’, you need it bad huh?” He mumbles huskily into my ear. I nod my head, pushing myself back against him again.

He chuckles in response as he brings his hand back to his cock. He pushes his length through my folds slowly. I push my body back into his hoping that he’ll begin to fill me. I let out a hiss when the head of his member brushes against my clit before he pulls back again.

After a couple thrusts his cock notches at my throbbing entrance. I’m panting as I wait for him to press forward, on the verge of tears from anticipation. He kisses my shoulder while he pushes just the tip inside and freezes again.

“Please, please, please, plea-” I beg, cut short from the delicious stretch of his cock inside me. I throw my head back on his shoulder as he thrusts forward. His hands grip my hips to hold me still while I tremble around him.

Once he’s filled me to the brim he pauses to let me adjust. My pussy flutters around his pulsing length. I could probably come just from this, but he soon retreats and slams his hips back into mine. He keeps his pace slow, but his thrusts hard and deep. Each one pushes the breath out of my lungs.

“Fuck, Joel.” I moan as he thrusts in again. “It feels so good, you feel so good inside me.”

“Yeah?” He pants. His hands slip on my hips as he struggles to maintain his grip through the combined sweat of our bodies. Words are becoming increasingly more difficult as the pleasure builds so I nod my head in response.

I feel my core tighten and clench around Joel’s cock. He groans and starts to thrust harder and slightly faster. His hand slips around my front to start making small circular motions on my clit. The coil inside me starts to tighten even more, causing me to lurch forward on the stairs.

I rest my forehead on the stairs as I call out for Joel, no longer aware or in control of what I’m saying. Whatever it is, it spurs him on more. My fingers pull at the threads of the carpet on the stairs, undoubtedly pulling chunks out as well, while Joel’s fingers speed and supply more pressure. Something snaps inside me. I scream as I let go. Joel grunts as my pussy throbs around him, and continues working me through my climax.

When I come down my body sags against the harsh angles of the stairs. The only thing keeping my hips from the ground is Joel’s hand wrapped around my waist. I can tell he’s close. His thrusts become sloppier as he moans louder with each one. I feel him pulse inside me and he grunts.

He quickly pulls out and turns my body around on the stairs. Joel’s hands grab the front of the shirt I’m wearing, his shirt I stole off the bedroom floor this morning, and yank it open. Buttons clatter along the walls and railing of the stairs as they fly away.

With my chest and stomach exposed to the open air, Joel brings his hand to his cock. He pulls it rapidly. I watch him through hooded eyes while he moans. His eyes wander over my figure splayed out in front of him. Once he looks up to see my face he lets go with a loud growl. His seed decorates my body in ribbons, continuing to pump his length until he has no more left to give.

He grabs the wall with one hand and the railing with another as he breathes heavily with his head hung. I commit the sight to memory, certain that this is what all the greatest painters in history saw when they decided to capture the beauty of man.

His breathing begins to slow down when he opens his eyes again. He brings them up to me and remains frozen as I trail one hand down to the mess he’s left on my skin. I collect his spend on my fingers and lock eyes with him as I bring it up to my mouth and suck my fingers dry. He looks about ready to collapse from the sight alone.

When I pull my fingers from my lips he leans down and kisses me gently. His tongue licks along my bottom lip before slipping inside my mouth. As he pulls away a string of saliva connects us and then splits, seeking in the coarse hairs of his beard.

He stands up first, pulling his pants back up, and then helps me back to my feet. Joel pulls my leggings and underwear back up for me as I wobble on my legs. I keep my grip on the railing so I don’t fall. Over half the buttons on the shirt I was wearing are now hidden in the carpet of the stairs, so it remains open while I attempt to climb back up the stairs. Joel lets me try for a minute before picking me up and carrying me to bed for a nap.

To read more visit a03.

#pedro pascal #smut #fanfic #joel miller #joel miller smut #a03 fanfic #a03 writer #joel smut #tlou hbo #joel tlou #joel miller x original character #joel miller x oc #joel miller x reader #wip #pedrostories #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal fanfiction

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maihonhassan · 23 days

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How hopeless a poet was when he wrote this line:

"Tum se bohat kuch kehna hai magar, kabhi tum nahi milte kabhi alfaaz nahi milte."

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addsalwayssick · 8 days

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tumblr blog i look up to: follows me

me: [squeals, kicking feet, screaming into pillow, giggling, twirling my hair around my finger, rolling to the bottom of hills, daydreaming]

#tumblr blog #tumblr #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #a03 fanfic #a03 writer

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sapphenaa · 9 months

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winter's frost | azriel x fem!reader

Summary: As Kallias' sister, you're expected to help maintain good relations with allied courts. Your newest ally leads you to the Starfall celebration, and it ends up changing your life much more drastically than you expected.

warnings: cursing

part two

It wasn’t your choice to go to the Starfall celebration in the Night Court. No, with your brother’s newfound alliance, you were required to attend the foolish party when you would rather be curled up in your room at the Winter Court, preferably with a good book and a steaming cup of tea.

Involuntarily, you rolled your eyes as you made your way out of your room, the gossamer of your steel blue gown whipping around your feet. You hated to admit it, but Viviane did a wonderful job at hunting down this dress. It was plated with silver metal around your bodice, the bejeweled collar connected by interwoven chains. It was complete with a smattering of sapphires adorning it, twinkling out at the top of the mostly sheer skirt. A warrior’s dress, beautiful but deadly, the plating similar to the armour you so often wore.

As you made your way down the stairs, you heard Viviane gasp in excitement whilst you fiddled with the quartz crown that adorned your head. “You look magnificent!” Viviane breathed out, a wide smile on her face. Her hand reached out to adjust the stray curls framing your face before stepping back to get another look at you. You smiled tightly at her before flicking your gaze to your brother.

“How long do we plan on staying there?” Kallias’ icy eyes were made of stone, his lips set in a harsh line.

“However long I deem is necessary to show Rhysand that he has our support.” You huffed out a breath at his response, your hair swaying at the movement.

“Then lets get this over with,” you quipped as you placed your hand on his arm. The three of you were swiftly encased in black smoke as Kallias winnowed your group in front of the House of Wind. You couldn’t help the gasp that left your lips as you caught sight of the dazzling house, more akin to a castle than anything. However, you weren’t given more than a couple seconds to admire it as your brother and his mate made their way to the front doors. You followed suit rather languidly, coming to a stop in front of the marble doors. Kallias raised his hand to knock, but the doors flew open before his knuckles could even touch the doorframe.

“Kallias, I’m glad you could make it.” A dazzling smile flashed and you knew immediately that the raven-haired man at the door was the High Lord of the Night Court. “Viviane, pleasure to see you again. You’re looking lovely as always,” he spoke as his eyes flicked over to hers before landing on you. “I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Rhys, and you are?”

You refused a curtsey, instead bowing your head slightly as you chimed out your name and rank. He smiled again before waving the three of you in, his magic swelling, nearly causing a tremble in your hands at the intensity of it. “Well, I won’t let you idle outside in the cold any longer. We have wine and an assortment of food waiting for you.”

Once again you followed, keeping to the back in hopes that conversation would not be struck with you. However, as always, your luck was as rare as a four-leaf clover in winter.

“I never knew Kallias had a sister.” Rhys stated, his violet eyes meeting yours for a split second. You willed your expression from a scowl to a tight-lipped smile, already dreading the night to come.

“I’ve kept well hidden.”

“You have indeed.” He responded. Before he could inquire any more about you, a swift excuse left your lips.

“If you don’t mind, I would like to grab a glass of wine.” With a dip of his head you were excused, and you heard the start of a courtly conversation that would have had you ripping your hair from your head. You neared the refreshment table, admiring the faelights above you that twinkled like starlight as you walked. There wasn’t much for Starfall decorations, though you didn’t think the House of Wind needed any more ornamentation.

As you filled a glass with deep red wine, you let yourself study the room and its occupants. It was filled with nobles, all dressed in extravagant clothing that was similar to your own. At least you didn’t come overdressed, you thought to yourself. Another pass of the room had a glint of blue sparking your curiosity. Your gaze shifted over to a male dressed in a simple black button down and trousers, that blue flash coming from the jewels atop his hands. His wings protruded from his back, tucked in tightly as if hiding from sight. Your eyes widened a bit at the muscles flexing beneath the fabric, the slight scowl on his face, and the allure in his hazel eyes as they gazed back at you. Quickly you looked at your drink, swirling its contents as you tried to ignore the heat in your cheeks.

You didn’t usually get caught staring, but by the gods was it hard not to stare at him. Risking another glance, you brought your glass up to your lips to hide your wandering eyes. His attention was focused elsewhere, now intently set on the male in front of him and the blonde on his right. You swallowed harshly, watching as a small smile perked up at his lips. Shadows lapped around his feet and shoulders like a running river, constantly moving, never ceasing to slow, but rather always fluttering. He was ethereal, and that was a thought that had never crossed your mind when it came to a fae.

“You must be Kallias’ sister.” A voice soothed in your ear, causing a slight jolt to wrack your bones. The female laughed, a sound that rang like a windchime. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m Feyre.” As your heart lulled to a soft beat once again, you nodded out of respect, admiring her kind eyes and the twinkling onyx jewels atop her head.

“It’s a pleasure.” She smirked, motioning towards the male you had been eyeing with a dainty hand.

“I assume you haven’t met Azriel yet, considering your staring.” Your cheeks flushed again and she giggled, obviously sensing the shift.

“I wasn’t staring,” you grumbled, taking another sip of your wine.

“He doesn’t bite.” She laughed, taking your hand and dragging you towards the three fae that you had been spying on from afar. “Hey!” Feyre called in greeting, gaining the attention of them, much to your chagrin. “This is Y/N, Kallias’ sister. Y/N, this is Mor, Cassian, and Azriel.” You smiled softly with wide eyes, cursing your unfiltered thoughts for this moment. If you had kept to a corner, eyes glued to your glass, then this wouldn’t have happened. Yet, here you were.

“Hey, it’s nice to meet you. Gorgeous dress, by the way.” The blonde smiled warmly, her eyes glittering and glazed from a couple glasses of alcohol.

“Thank you.” You muttered, fidgeting with a stone on your gown. You chanced a glance at Azriel again, only to find him already looking at you. A common occurrence tonight, you supposed.

“Well, I’m going to grab another drink.” Feyre declared with a wink as she pulled Cassian and Mor along with her. The two of them were smirking as well and you knew that she had put her Daemati skills to use. You cleared your throat, intending to refill your glass as well, just to get out of the conversation that was bound to take place. But as you went to take your leave, Azriel’s hand clasped around your wrist softly, keeping you in place.

“Why have we never heard of you before?” He asked, his words practically matching Rhysand’s from earlier. Usually you would grace that question with a forced smile and a short response, however, breathing in his euphoric scent had you feeling rather vulnerable.

“Um, Kallias and my father thought it best to keep my existence within the shadows.” You replied, nerves caressing your skin, inducing a shiver to crawl down your spine.

“Because of your magic.” He stated. You blinked at him in shock.

“How did you know that?” A miniscule smirk pulled his plush lips up, and for some unknown reason you wanted to kiss it off of them.

“I can sense it. It’s strong.”

“My magic is glamoured. How can you–” He shook his head in answer before gesturing towards your glass.

“Let me refill that for you.” There was no time to respond as he took it from your grasp and disappeared amongst the crowd. You glanced after him, but instead you met Kallias’ eyes and Viviane’s cheeky thumbs up. With a scowl you stalked off to the balcony, hoping for some privacy to redo your glamour. Much to your surprise, you found that your glamour was fully intact, leaving you in awe.

“How?” You muttered to yourself. Nobody else had sensed it, nobody but him. An electric touch hummed underneath your skin. You pressed a palm against your heart, feeling it skip, that pulse buzzing against your bones before you turned to face him. He was swathed in shadows with a hand extended out, a full glass of wine as an offering. You took it with an uneasy smile as that electrifying static increased at the brush of your fingers.

“Starfall will start soon.” You nodded at his words, glancing warily up at the sky as he came to stand beside you, your shoulders nearly touching.

“What’s so special about Starfall, anyway?” His lips tilted up in that ever soft smile that he seemed to own.

“Just watch.” As his words left his tongue, a streak of light entered the sky, covering you with a dull glow. Another and another passed by until the sky was full and your eyes were wide in wonder. You had never expected Starfall to be spectacular; it always seemed like just another pointless reason for fae to get together and drink themselves drunk, but standing there, you knew that was far from the truth.

“Shit,” you breathed out, eyes never leaving the sky, even though you felt his piercing gaze on your skin. You reached a hand into the darkness of the night, stretching over the railing as if you could touch one passing by. Azriel chuckled beside you, causing you to quickly pull your hand back in embarrassment. When you turned to look at him, a chord struck in your chest and that tingle of electricity that had been sizzling in the distance sparked. You felt a tug, body jolting a step toward him as he did the same.

“I–”

“You’re my mate.” He took another step, your noses almost touching, breathing in each other’s air as you just stared, taking in his eyes as if they were the stars that fell from the sky.

“Shit.” You repeated, placing a hand just below your throat as if the touch could bring more air into your lungs. Azriel reached out, a glimmer in his eyes as he placed his hand over yours and you knew that this was the touch of an exploding star, that he was the one you were reaching into the sky for. The bond plucked like a harpsichord string as soon as the two of you touched. It felt like home–it was home. He was home.

“Funnily enough,” you started, a brittle laugh leaving your throat, “I was actually dreading coming here tonight.”

“And now?” He queried, his head tilting like a curious animal, fingers moving and intwining with yours.

“Now, I can’t quite see why I was dreading it so much.” A smile lit up his features, bigger than you had seen all night, and your lips twitched to reciprocate the motion unknowingly until the two of you were grinning at each other like long lost friends.

“I’ve been holding out hope for a while now.” He murmured as he leaned closer, noses gently brushing, lips almost touching.

“Hope for what?”

“Hope that you existed.” You could feel his heartbeat in the crisp air, feel his wings stretching as he began to close the gap between you, to interlock your two souls as one.

“Y/N, we have to go now.” A voice broke the two of you out of your trance. Azriel’s hand fell back to his side as you were pulled away, his eyes unwavering from yours until you disappeared behind the door. You had your sights set on nothing but his lingering figure as the rooms flew past you in a blur. Once the cold air of winter hit you in the face, you snapped out of your stupor and wrenched your arm free from your captor.

“What the hell!” You exclaimed, the bite of the wind fueling your immediate anger. Viviane’s eyes bored into yours, silver lining her tear ducts as she moved to grab you again.

“We have to go,” she pleaded, “we just caught word that several Naga are loose on the grounds and they’re wreaking havoc. We have to go.”

As swiftly as your anger came, it dulled, your eyes turned to steel, and your jaw set. You nodded once, ripping the crown off of your head as you followed Viviane to Kallias’ form. A dull pain sat in your chest as you placed a hand on your brother’s arm. You still felt his eyes on you as the three of you erupted into shadows and smoke, leaving the Night Court and your mate behind.

#part two will come!#acotar #azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel shadowsinger #acotar fanfiction #acotar imagine #fanfic #fanfiction #sjmaas #sarah j maas #text #textpost #a03 #a03 fanfic #a03 writer

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phantominzie · 2 months

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What am I doing? Oh nothing, just off to download all of the fanficitons I can to put them on a hard drive in case KOSA gets put into effect.

(I highly suggest you do the same, save all the fanficiton you can because if KOSA gets accepted it's very likely Ao3 will get nuked)

#a03 fanfic #a03 writer #a03 fic #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #kosa #stop kosa #ban kosa #fuck kosa #kosa bill #end kosa #bad internet bills #kids online safety act #stop kids online safety act #internet censorship

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auteurdelabre · 5 months

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Something to Fight For (SERIES) Part 11

Word Count: 7.0

Pairing: Dad!Joel Miller x f!reader (no use of y/n, no age or physical descriptions)

WARNINGS: Sexual innuendo, sad angsty shit.

A/N: The story is gonna twist and turn and you may want to jump ship. But I hope you can trust that as your captain I’m gonna get our two leads to a safe and happy shore.

Being with Tess is easy.

She likes the same movies as Joel, drinks the same beer, and has a kid the same age. She hates sardines and black and white movies. She's a nurse, so nothing much fazes her. She fits well with Joel.

Sarah and Daniel don't know Joel and Tess are dating. As far as the kids know it's just play dates more often and the occasional dinner.

Tess has every other weekend free. Daniel goes to visit his dad then, plus half the summer. On those weekends Tess comes over after Sarah is asleep. She stays the night in Joel's bed and leaves before Sarah wakes up. She's aggressive in bed which is a nice change of pace for Joel.

She tells Joel everything. What she loves about her job, her hopes and aspirations. She confides in him when she's anxious about Daniel being at his dad's. There's nothing hidden, nothing secreted away.

It's only been a few weeks but Joel likes it. It feels comfortable. He doesn't worry that Tess will stop calling. He doesn't worry that Sarah is getting too attached.

He just exists in it.

And if he thinks about you sometimes so what? If he stands in the shower, water running down his back in rivulets as he thrusts into his fists and comes holding in the moan of your name, so what?

It doesn't mean anything.

But then last night. The horrible thing he said to you. The way you'd looked at him with such disgust in your features.

"I'm not her mother"

"Damn right you're not."

He wakes the next morning with a stone in his stomach. His bed is full of Tess and her sweet smelling hair and her sleepy smile when she rolls over. But he can't smile back. He can't do anything because he's hurt you. He hurt you in a way that wasn't fair. And you're mad at him and why shouldn't you be? He had so many ways of approaching it, so many ways he could have told you and instead he fell back into what he always finds familiar; irritation and anger. Those emotions are safe, those emotions keep him strong.

But then why does he feel so weak right now?

He wants to phone you but knows how that went the last time.

He presses an absent kiss to Tess' temple as she leaves at dawns first light.

Then he rolls over, curling into himself, hating every moment of the last twenty four hours.

But mostly, he hates himself.

////

"YOU'RE FUCKING ENGAGED!"

"I'M FUCKING ENGAGED!"

You and Maria are jumping up and down in her kitchen, holding hands and giggling like you're teenagers again. She keeps spinning and holding her hand up to look at it.

"Isn't the ring perfect?"

"More than perfect!"

“I didn’t see it coming at all,” Maria enthuses. “I still can’t believe it.”

Your face is hurting from all your smiling. Seeing Maria so elated, so over the moon is making your heart expand bigger and bigger.

"We're gonna do a little engagement dinner in a few weeks," Maria tells you. "With our best man and maid of honor!"

You do a little mock bow. The wedding is going to be a quick one. Maria and Tommy have never been over the top wedding people. Just something simple with family and a few friends in a few months. You know that this will mean more time with Joel and to your credit you don't wince or act horrified when Maria mentions about you and Joel being in the wedding party. You smile and hug her and say that you can't wait.

But memories of that last conversation you had with Joel are seared into your brain.

And while everything in you commands you to run and hide from the conflict, you raised the phone to your ear later that night, breathing shakily.

You're not losing Sarah.

You may have lost Joel in all this bullshit, but you're not losing Sarah.

Your hand is trembling so severely you hit the wrong buttons on your phone and have to redial.

"Hello."

"Joel, we need to talk. I know you're busy so I'll keep it brief," you say trying to quell the panic creeping into your voice at his flat greeting. "It's about the other night."

There's a long sigh.

"It was fucking horrible of me to say. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I tossed the money at you like that, like some fucking asshole.” You can hear him and he’s pacing, the familiar creak of his kitchen floor sounding over the phone. “I’ve been thinking about it since you left last night and I’m fucking sick about it. I just. . . I wanted to call but I thought you’d want me to leave you alone and I just. . . I'm so fucking sorry, please forgive me.”

He trails off and you stare at your phone. You weren’t expecting that. You think you’d been ready for him to be more defensive. So it throws you, causing you to speak stilted and stumble over your words.

"W-well, It’s just… I just wanted. . . yeah, I forgive you. I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

You can hear the delay in his response, the surprise in his voice. "Wait… You're apologizing to me?"

"Yeah," you nod even though he can't see it. "I mean at first I was really pissed off. And I still am about some stuff. But, then, I thought about it and I think I can see why you were upset. I didn't talk to you or Sarah the whole time I was gone."

Joel gives a small hum in response.

“It was wrong of me to do that.”

And suddenly you can't speak because now there’s a knot in your throat that you're having trouble swallowing through. You hear him moving back and you imagine that he's moved to sit on his sofa. The silence stretches on to an uncomfortable length and you hear Joel clear his throat.

“S'okay if I say something?”

You choke out a sound of agreement.

"Michelle said she'd always love Sarah," Joel says in a voice of quiet solemnity. "But if that were the case it wouldn't have been so easy for her to leave."

You find your voice at that. "That was different, Joel."

"Not to Sarah. You know how she is about her Mom. She barely knew her and she’s still devastated about it. The photos, the stories help but there will always be that missing piece in her that I can’t fix.” His voice catches before steadying. “It's easy for some people to say they love a person. It's the sticking around that's hard."

"I know."

"And I know you say you had your reasons and I know you never would do anything to hurt Sarah on purpose but the fact of the matter is you did." Joel sounds like he's taking a shuddering breath. "You know she asked me why you hadn't come around? When I told her I didn't know she asked if you were mad at her."

Sarah had thought you were mad at her? You could not feel worse if you tried. You take a steadying breath, your eyes slamming shut.

"I'm sorry," you say, your throat tight. "I'm so fucking sorry."

Now the tears come, soft and silent. You're so thankful Joel can't see them over the phone. You can hear him sigh gently and it's the sigh of a man whose walls are coming down.

"I know," Joel says soothingly and if he were there with you, you just know he’d be holding you in his arms. "I know you are. And I'm sorry too. It was a knee-jerk reaction. Its just she's my kid and hearing you say you love her was terrifying. All I could think was how heartbroken she’d be when you never came back."

"I understand."

You hadn't wanted to talk about this. Hadn't wanted to bring up the horrible trip back to Chicago. But you can feel Joel slipping away from you and you panic.

"If you give me a chance I'll explain what happened when I was gone. I'll tell you everything."

Pathetic hope flares in you. If you explain maybe there's hope. Maybe he'll --

"I don't want you to do that. Don't want you feeling like you have to talk about something that'll upset you.”

“You wanted to know,” you say with a panic in your chest.

“But there's no real point, is there? Doesn't change anything," Joel murmurs. "What's done is done n' I'm with Tess now. I don't want you dragging stuff up that'll make things hard. I don't want you hurtin'.”

Don't you fucking sniffle.

"Right, yeah," you answer him through tightly closed eyes. "Of course."

Don't let him hear you cry.

He's with Tess. There's no confusion there, no wiggle room. You dig your fingernails into your palm to keep from crying, leaving tiny crescent moons in the flesh of your hand

"Just know that I'll always be there for Sarah," you swear this oath ardently. "As long as she needs me, I'll be there. I know you don't trust that right now and that's okay, I don't blame you. If I was her parent I'd probably feel exactly the same. But I need you to know that I mean it. I love her, I really do. I wasn't lying about that."

Joel is silent and you can imagine him looking off into the distance in that silent, introspective way of his.

“You mean a lot to Sarah and to me too. Even if we can’t be together like I thought, you mean something to me. I don’t want you gone from our lives. You asked if we could be friends and . . .” You hear him inhale sharply. “I wanna give it a shot.”

Is this what heartbreak feels like? This searing pain that goes through a person’s sternum? It sure as fuck feels like it. More acute that anything you felt with Paul, stronger despite the shorter time frame you’ve had with Joel. Well, you had nothing with Joel did you? Not even a day.

"I want that too. I know what it's like to feel abandoned by people you care about," you offer, your fingernails digging into your palm further. "I would never want to do that to Sarah."

"I know that," Joel assures, and his voice holds all the warmth of the world. "I know you never meant to hurt her. And again I’m sorry for what I said; it was a horrible fucking thing to say and I didn’t mean it."

All you want is to be there in that house in his arms.

"I'm sorry too. I really am. I hope one day you and Sarah can forgive me."

"Forgiveness was never the issue," Joel replies softly. "You had that the minute you asked for it. It's the forgetting that's hard."

"Yeah."

The forgetting.

///

Time has a funny way of making you remember.

You thought you'd never see him again.

Never see the way his black hair falls into his blue eyes. Never see the shy way his mouth quirks when you say something funny.

And yet here you are at a nearby coffee shop talking to Paul. Paul, the man who broke your heart.

He looks better than you remember. He finally got a better haircut. He seems calmer than before as well, his lithe body leaning back in the chair regarding you as the cafe bustles around you.

You've just finished telling him about the sanctuary and he responded in exactly the way you wanted, with a kind of truthful enthusiasm that made you fall for him in the first place.

"That's amazing," he enthuses shaking his head in disbelief. "Scratch that, you're amazing. Look at how much you've done for that place."

"Not just me," you insist, feeling guilty about taking all the credit.

"Ah yes," Paul takes a sip of his coffee. "How is James?"

"Alex, actually. James resigned."

"Oh wow," Paul looks shocked by this. You consider talking to him about James being a big booger sugar fan but then decide against it. But you do tell him about getting kennels built and how your office has been renovated.

Paul has always had this ability to make you feel like the most fascinating person on the planet. When you talk he really listens.

You've missed that.

When his face grow sober and he puts the mug next to yours on the table, you immediately tense. Paul means across the table, his hand clutching yours. You note this with passivity.

"I'm so sorry for what happened. Your mom told me."

"How?"

"She called me." Paul is tilting his head slightly, a habit that always reminds you of the dogs you see at work.

"Why would you be in contact with my mom?"

"We talk sometimes."

"You do?"

"Of course," Paul replies softly. "Until this most recent one, you weren't returning any of my texts and I was worried. I wanted to check up on you."

Irritation goes through your veins like a drug. You pull your hand back from his, wrapping it around your mug.

"You broke up with me, Paul, remember? Why would I be responding to your texts?"

"Because it's not like we broke up because we stopped loving each other," Paul insists. "We just wanted different things at different times."

You lapse into silence, considering this. He's not completely wrong, you surmise. For you, it had been the bitter end of a relationship, for Paul. It seems it was simply a pause.

"I told you I'd always love you," Paul continues. "And I meant it."

"You also told me we were drifting apart."

"its how I felt at the time," Paul answers honestly. His eyes trace your face in a way that feels tender. “I wanted to go on tour, I wanted to bring music to people. You used to want that too.”

“Yeah, well,” you clear your throat, moving back in your chair and shrugging. “Things change. I changed.”

“I know something about change,” Paul offers with a shy smile. "I got a job teaching music. Doesn't pay a ton but it's reliable."

This shocks you. Paul had been so dedicated to his music, so invested in making it his everyday reality by touring all over.

"What about Jack and the band?"

"Weekends," Paul shrugs. "A hobby."

You’re gobsmacked. A year ago you had needed to split up because of Paul’s unwavering belief that touring with Jack was what needed to happen. That he would live the rest of his life unfulfilled if he didn’t.

And now he sitting here across from you, offering himself up as the exact man you wanted him to be?

Timing is everything.

Fucking timing.

"A lot has changed in a year," you say coolly.

"A year without you has felt longer," Paul confides. "Thought I knew what I wanted. But playing music and touring? It's not the same when you don't have your person to come home to."

You hate the way your treacherous heart lurches at that. Your bruised heart you’ve tried to mend.

"I missed you, baby."

You feel all the hurt from the past few weeks with Joel heavy on your heart. The realization that yet another relationship didn't work out for you. The thought that maybe there’s a reason things never work and maybe it has everything to do with you and being unlovable.

"I missed you too, Paul."

And it's true, you did miss Paul. You'd loved Paul for so long. And even though that love is buried you think that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance for revival if it’s cared for and nurtured.

You talk for a long time. You talk about what it would mean to be back together. You talk about your fears and what it would look like to be a couple again. You talk until the woman who runs the cafe politely tells you to leave.

Paul wants you, even after everything. Paul is here, not Joel. It will never again be Joel.

So later that night when Paul gently guides your mouth to his you let him. You let him hold you and kiss you and you think that this is all you can hope for.

This is all you deserve.

///

You and Maria pull into the parking lot of the restaurant to celebrate the engagement. You're thankful it's not the shitty Italian place you had your first 'date' with Joel. This place is more casual with a pub-like ambiance. Despite this, you've dressed up a bit. Done your hair nicely and pressed perfume to your neck.

Maria thinks you're all done up for her for her engagement party and remarks how beautiful you look, but this isn't true. You did it because as his best man, you know Joel will be there.

The thought of a whole evening with Joel would have intimidated you a week ago, but after your phone conversation you feel excited to see him. Plus he's undoubtedly brought Sarah and she is the brightest of bright spots.

"Over here!" Tommy calls and as you turn your head to follow Maria you see Joel sitting at the table beside a beautiful woman who smiles up at you as Maria and you approach.

He brought Tess?

The minute he sees you, a look crosses Joel’s face. A look that you can’t actually decipher. He murmurs something to Tess and then he’s moving from the table towards the washrooms. You don’t bothering watching him go.

Tommy offers you and Maria your seats next to his at the booth. You’re directly across from Tess and Joel. You want to hold in a groan.

“Hi, I’m Tess,” the woman says with a small wave from her side of the table. You wave back, introducing yourself. Tommy pushes a menu towards you and you busy yourself reading the specials, trying to stop the galloping of your heart.

“Joel says you're the best babysitter," Tess enthuses with a broad smile, determined to talk to you. "And Sarah never stops talking about you. I feel like I'm meeting a celebrity."

"Mmm." You feel sick to your stomach. "Where is Sarah? I thought she'd be here."

"I convinced Joel to let my mom take care of the kids tonight," Tess explains. "Took a lot of convincing though. You know how stubborn he can be."

"Oh sure," you say glumly.

Tess seems to want to say more but Joel has returned from the washroom and slid into the chair next to Tess and across from you. You could be mistaken but his temples look damp, like he splashed water on his face.

"Did I miss anything?" he asks, looking between you and Tess.

"Just saying how my mom is babysitting the kids so we could come solo tonight," Tess smiles at him.

You toss back your drink. "Does she have her first aid?"

"Huh?" Tess is looking at you confused.

"Your mom. Does she have CPR training?" You continue. "Can she drive at night if there's an emergency?"

"Hey." Joel's voice is a low warning, his eyes narrowed.

But Tess's face has broken into amusement and she's laughing in a way that can only be described as musical. She rubs Joel's arm with affection.

"Joel she's kidding."

"Yeah," you say with a forced smile. "Kidding."

"Maria told me you were funny," Tess acknowledges. You don't know what to say to that. You give a polite nod before everyone's attention is drawn to the end of the table. Maria and Tommy are seated there. Tommy has his arm around Maria and she's nestled under his armpit like she was made to be there.

"Thanks for coming out," Tommy says raising a glass. “Just a little something to celebrate us getting’ engaged. Nothing fancy but let’s raise a glass and…Well, except maybe you. You keep your glass on the table.”

Tommy winks at you as he motions to your pint, the meaning obvious and Maria lets out a barking laugh, turning to you and shaking her head.

“I can’t believe you did that.”

“Tommy!’ You defend, your cheeks flaming. “You told her?”

“He couldn’t stop laughing telling me,” Maria informs you. Tess and Joel are looking at the three of you dissolving into giggles, confusedly. Tommy sobers quickly, raising his glass once more.

“To finding the right person,” he says warmly. “To love.”

You raise your glass along with the rest of the table, tapping it gently against Tess’s glass when she leans over with her glass extended. You ignore Joel when his tips towards you. Instead you drink deeply, letting the hoppy ale coat your tongue.

You learn more about Tess because she never seems to stop talking. She's a nurse. She's a beer fan. She's nuts about horses. Of course she is. She probably has a secret collection of flannel shirts too.

With every new detail you find yourself pouring another glass of beer from the communal pitchers. The beer momentarily makes you feel more affectionate towards the group, even annoying ol' Tess who seems determined to talk the entire fucking night.

She's pretty. Closer to Joel's age and very confident. That's the only word you can think to describe her. The way she carries herself, the way she can just interject comments into the conversation all night as if she's been part of the group forever.

“We’re going to the site tomorrow morning early,” Tess enthuses now. “Can’t wait to see it.”

"Oh, are you a construction worker as well as a nurse?" You don't mean for it to sound snarky, but it comes out harsh and ugly.

Maria and Tommy shoot you a similar surprised look with raised brows. Joel is glowering at you and Tess is laughing awkwardly.

"I just mean," you scramble, trying to salvage your faux pas. "You seem to know -"

You watch as she wraps a hand over his shoulder, resting her chin there and looking at Joel fondly.

"I just wanted to see where my man spends all his time."

My man.

Thankfully the waitress is there with pitchers of beer for the table before you can say something hideous. You throw yours back by the time everyone is just finishing their first sips. Maria is still looking at you incredulously.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Tess asks you politely. And now you can feel so many sets of eyes on you, it causes your skin to crawl. You think about your audience, unsure if you should answer.

But then you feel like there’s this overwhelming air of pity around the table as they look at you. You suppose this is what motivates you to answer how you do.

"Uh, yeah," you nod looking at your dinner. "His name's Paul."

There’s the sharp clattering of cutlery and you wince. You just know that Maria heard you.

"Wait, did you say Paul?" Maria is leaning forward to see you down the table. You can feel her eyes on you. "When did that happen?"

"Maria," Tommy says placing a calming hand over hers.

"Sorry," Maria says blinking rapidly and forcing a smile. "I just didn't know. Just caught me off guard."

"Wait, Paul Paul?," Tommy says now as his mind finally connects the dots. "The guy you dated before? The musician?"

Please stop. Just stop asking me-

"I thought this whole dinner was about celebrating your engagement," Joel says coolly. "So let's talk about it. Mainly, how much do I have to spend on your bachelor party when you did fuck all for mine, Tommy?"

The tension is broken for the moment and the group laughs before it falls into a comfortable pattern of chatting. For a moment you’re suddenly grateful to Joel for diverting the conversation.

You begin to like the beer, even though you've never been a big drinker. You like it because it makes you feel fuzzy and warm.

You try your best not to look at Joel through the dinner. But he's across from you so it's hard. His kneecap brushes yours at one point and you nearly jump out of your skin. It's when he shifts, putting his arm on the seat behind Tess, letting his hand drift lazily against her shoulder that a sudden anger unleashes itself in you.

All the goodwill you have for Joel from that phone conversation seems to be ebbing away with every pint you throw back. He's sitting there practically rubbing it in your face that he's with Tess!

Fuck Joel Miller. Fuck him for thinking its fine to tell you how much he cares about you and then find another woman so easily. If he liked you so much why were you so easy to replace?

The meal is almost over when you get a buzz on your hip. You pull out your phone under the table and see Paul has sent you a message.

C u at home gorgeous. I'll bring dessert.

You swallow thickly before placing the phone back in your pocket. You feel eyes on you and glance up to see Joel studying you from across the table. You pour yourself another beer.

"How many is that?" Joel murmurs in a low voice only you can hear. The rest of the group is chatting at the other end of the table.

"Last time I counted it was..." You adopt a contemplative look, pretending to add in your head before your face drops. "Oh right, none of your business."

You throw the drink back with renewed gusto. Joel watches this silently, his face revealing nothing, before his attention is back to the group.

You start to understand why people love beer so much. It makes you numb to the fact that Maria looked horrified at the thought of you being back with Paul. It makes you impervious to the sight of Tess caressing Joel's forearm in front of you, as if she's purposely trying to rub it in.

"Maria I forgot to tell you, I found the best charity shop by the boulevard."

"Please tell me it's nothing like the last one you dragged me to," Maria says with a chuckle. "I'm still finding glitter all over my closet!"

She and Tess break into high pitched giggles. Your fork stills on your plate at the sound.

Wait. Maria and Tess have been hanging out just the two of them? It's not enough that she's taken Joel, now she's gonna come for Maria too?

A coiling tendril of insecurity and anger starts to move through you and as if she can sense it, Tess turns and smiles in your direction.

"You should come with us next time! Maybe we can find some good stuff for the wedding."

She's coming to the wedding?! She's known Maria and Tommy for what, a month, maybe two, and now she's invading the wedding? A sickening sensation is taking you over. A sensation that has nothing to do with Tess’ offer and everything to do with wanting to slap Joel fucking Miller across his beautiful, horrible face.

"I'm busy," you mutter.

Tess's smile is fading and the rest of the group is now staring at you awkwardly. Except for Joel, he's openly glaring at you. You can see the muscle in his jaw working overtime as he pins you with his gaze.

Tess glances at Maria and then back to you giving a weak laugh. "But, I didn't say when we were going."

Fuck.

Your cheeks burn with embarrassment. You want to be anywhere but here. You hate the pitying look Tommy is sending you even worse than the open hostility that Joel is.

Maria seems to sense your discomfort because she's talking loudly about dessert. Everyone agrees that a tart sounds great.

You take this opportunity to slink off to the bathroom feeling properly admonished. You move with a slight wobble as you stand, finding it much harder to walk now that the restaurant is so packed and the room seems to be tilted.

You stand outside the washroom door, hidden behind the wall for a few moments. Is it too late to just run? No, fuck, your purse and phone are back at the table. Maybe you can tell everyone you got food poisoning?

"The fuck are you doing?"

Your eyes dart to the approaching figure of Joel. He rounds the corner, stalking towards you like a creature of terrifying grace. He comes to stand inches from you, so close you have to tilt back a bit to see his face.

"Whadda you mean?" You say trying to keep the slur from your voice.

"Being a bitch to Tess for no reason? Getting wasted?" Joel replies pointedly. "In all the time I've known you, I've never seen you have more than one drink."

"I'm not drunk," you counter even as you struggle to focus on his increasingly blurry face. "You don't see me all the time Joel. You don't know if I drink or not. You actually don't know me at all."

"I do know you," Joel replies in a voice so dark and low it feels siphoned from the soles of his work boots. "You think all you deserve is that asshole that left you."

You give a scoffing noise. Joel Miller of all people is trying to give you relationship advice?

Joel continues, his neck bending so he can keep your eyes. "Hell, I don't think you even like him. He's just convenient."

You want to scream in his face. You want to pummel his strong chest. And you want to hug him, to have him hold you. It's so complicated being around Joel and it infuriates you that you still feel this way knowing you can't have him.

"What do you care?" You shoot back, holding the door to the washroom to keep your balance. You make sure to pitch your voice low and quiet so the table can’t overhear. "You have perfect Tess and now you'll have a perfect family and a perfect life. How perfectly fucking perfect for you."

You know you sound absolutely crazy as you say this to him, your eyes half closed in a drunken stupor as you sway in place. Joel looks exasperated.

“You said you wanted to be friends.”

"You guys sleep together yet?” you say over him, not hearing what he’s just said. “You tell her the same stuff you told me that night?"

Joel's gaze hardens. His shoulders are shaking as he breathes in and out at a rapid pace. You want to punch something. Mainly Joel’s face.

"You tell her that you want her for your own? That you need to taste her? You probably do. I was such a fucking idiot."

You go to walk away but Joel is stopping you, his hand on your shoulder keeping you there by pressing it to the wall. He does it lightly and you know if you pulled away from him he’d let you go. But his eyes pin you to the wall, keeping you there.

"Tess doesn't walk out when things get tough," Joel tells you in a low whisper. "She doesn't tell me how she feels and then leave and ignore me for weeks."

"Nope. She's perfect."

"She doesn't need to be perfect. She just needs to talk to me, to not run away from me." Joel is inches from your face. "Do you know how I felt when I heard from Tommy that you'd been talking to Maria the whole time you were gone?"

You're surprised by this. You weren't aware he'd known anything about your trip away, including who you talk to.

"I told you how I felt about you and then you pick up and leave," Joel says in a voice that feels dragged from the base of his abdomen. "And I was the one here panicking, calling you, begging for you to call me back like a fucking loser."

"You’re not-"

"You never called once."

"I couldn't."

"You called Maria." Joel defends.

"Maria is like my family," you say with a deep frown, irritated that you have to defend yourself. "I've known her since we were teenagers."

Joel is silent, his face drawn into a cold frown.

"Joel, I couldn't call you. We were so... fresh, so new." You run your hands through your hair, tugging. "I couldn't stand the thought of dragging you down with me."

His eyes are searching yours. "That wasn't just for you to decide."

"Yes it was!" you insist, your voice wobbling. "I get to decide when and what I share, Joel."

"You do," Joel replies airily. "Just don't expect everyone to be waiting around for you when you finally decide to do it."

"You certainly weren't," you bite back. "How long after you told me about all those feelings did you go running off to Tess?"

Silence.

“C'mon Joel," you demand, your drunkenness feeding your ire. "All those feelings you claimed you had churning up inside you. Where did they go so quickly? Be honest."

If looks could kill you'd be dead five times over. He pulls back, his hand moving from your shoulder and falling to his hip.

"Or maybe they weren't as strong as you led me to believe," you say swaying as you try to keep your gaze focused. "Maybe you just liked the attention, Joel. And now you have someone new, someone easier, someone who doesn’t know that you ran just as quickly as I did."

Joel shuts his eyes and takes a deep, steadying breath, it's slow and even and you are terrified at the sound of it. It's as if he's a giant balloon releasing all the hateful tension of the last five minutes.

“I wanted you so fucking badly. I told you things I’ve never told anyone. Ever. Not even Tommy.”

You feel sick to your stomach listening to Joel because in all the time you’ve known him you don’t remember him sounding this defeated. Then his eyes open and it's like you've been kicked in the gut. All the hatred and the fury you'd been expecting is gone. Instead all that remains is a naked sorrow that makes you do a double take.

“And I get to your house that morning and you won’t look at me and your bag is packed and all I can think is that it’s Michelle all over again. So yeah, I fucked up and left. I’m sorry.” Joel’s breathing is unsteady. “But you don’t get to act like it’s the same as what you did to me. I called you how many times that day to apologize? And I didn’t expect you tell me everything. I just wanted to know you were okay. I wanted to be there for you. And you shut me out.”

Please Joel. Please don’t look at me like that. Not with eyes that sad.

“And you don’t want me. That’s fine. You tell me you want to be friends? I agree to it. I moved on with a woman who has made it clear that she wants all of me and you’re mad at me for it?”

Are you mad? Its what you wanted wasn't it? Less complication? Joel as your friend?

So then why are you this fucking angry?

"I. . . I thought you wanted us to be friends," he says in a voice so quiet you almost don’t hear it.

You stare up at him, blinking as his words register with you. Friends. You can't be friends with Joel Miller. Not when you like him this much. Not when the sight of him still makes your stomach do cartwheels.

But there’s still a fire in your belly, multiplied by the alcohol but definitely not reliant on it.

"I don't want to be your friend," you bite back. "I don't need you using me as free babysitting so you can go off with Tess and get your dick wet."

This is the ugliest thing you've ever said to him. Maybe to anyone. It's such a cruel, twisted thing to say to a man who has done nothing besides not wait around for you to decide whether you like him or not. Joel stares down at you with a look of such disappointment you're convinced you could shrivel away to nothing under it.

"That was a shitty fucking thing to say."

You wonder if he's going to yell at you or slap the wall beside your head. You never find out because Maria rounds the corner to see you both locked in a mutual glare.

"Hey guys, was wondering where you got off to," Maria says eye-balling you both. Its clear there is tension, made even more obvious by the seething glare Joel shoots you before stalking back to the table.

You both watch him leave and then Maria is staring at you with a look of someone solving a very large and very obvious puzzle.

"You like Joel."

You want to shake your head and insist that she's wrong. You want to deny everything and force a laugh. But instead your head drops forward onto your sternum and you're holding in tears.

"Yeah."

Maria brings you stumbling into her arms and guides you to exit the restaurant. She's brought your purse and she holds you steady as you weave out the doors.

"I'm taking you home."

"The dinner -"

"Over anyway," Maria insists as you both buckle in. "The dessert was disgusting."

She lets you sit in silence the entire drive home but inside the suite after leading you to your sofa, Maria fixes you with a stern look.

"So how long? And you better be fucking honest with me now."

"A while," you admit.

You tell her about the butterfly's at trivia. You tell her about the kennels he spent hours making for you. You tell her about the ice cream and the park. The way you’d felt when Joel took your hand in his, driving you home after James. You tell her about his finger tracing your lip. You tell her about the kiss at the party. You tell her about how beautiful he kisses and how he told you how he felt. You tell her everything because she’s Maria and not telling her has been hurting you more than you realized. (You don’t tell her about after the party though because. . . Well, some things are sacred to you alone.)

She holds you and she wipes your tears when you tell her about what you said to Joel at the party.

“I am not team Joel by any means, but why didn’t you just call him?”

“I couldn’t, Maria,” you say with a quivering chin. “I just couldn’t let him know that part of my life. Not yet. And now look how quickly he moved on. I was gone for what, a month?”

“Honey,” she says in a way that feels far too maternal coming from a woman near to your age. She pulls you into her arms again and you cry there, hating everything about that night and how much it has ruined. “Look at it this way, he admits everything to you, you leave and don’t call for six weeks. He thinks ‘oh fuck, she doesn’t want me like I want her. I’m an idiot. Plus I have a kid who’s grown attached. I better get out now.’”

“And get with another woman?”

“Joel is a guy. Guys are simple,” Maria explains flatly. “He has an ego and you crushed it when you left and ignored him. So he found a woman who built it back up. Made him feel good. A woman who he can see without it being weird for Sarah. A woman who, let’s be honest, is hot and cool and doesn’t really demand much of Joel aside from his time and attention.”

Maria is right. You know it. Tess is a better fit for Joel and Sarah.

You think back to your childhood, sometime between the good and bad years. You were no more than seven and you came upon an abandoned kitten half buried under leaves in the park, left by its mother. It was small, a runt, and probably hours away from dying.

You'd rushed home with it in your jacket, your little heart pounding as you brought it to your mother. A wise woman with a sensitive heart to animals. Of course she helped you bathe it, feed it, nurse it back to life. For two weeks you and that kitten were inseparable. You held him tightly to you, warming him. You read him stories and you sang sweet melody's as he slept. And he grew, his mewls turning from sad yips to mighty meow's. He began to follow you around the house, playfully nipping at your heels as you squealed with delight.

You told everyone at school about the kitten who you named Marmalade because of his orange color. And one Wednesday two weeks after you discovered him you arrived home to see his blanket at the end of your bed was gone. The carrier you'd bought was missing from the hall closet and when you ran to your mother terrified she had told you what you would ultimately come to know: You'd thought love was enough and it wasn't. The cat needed more. A family that could take better care of it.

You'd sobbed for hours with your mom rocking you in her arms.

"They have lots of money and room for him," your mom had told you as your face pressed into on her shoulder sniffling. "That kitten is going to have a better life then most people. Letting him go was the kindest thing you could have done, sweetheart."

You think of that kitten now as Maria mentions Tess and you realize that once more your love is not enough. Joel will be better off.

You can't keep him.

He's not yours.

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zombie-eats-world · 3 months

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To all One Piece AO3 writers!! There is a Wattpad account with DOZENS of stolen stories. I've already reported them for stealing mine (Loving Luffy and Secondary Emotions). I've reached out to the authors of stories I recognized but there were a lot I didn't recognize! If you are a writer on AO3 that does MiShanks, Dofuwani, Rouge centric, Luffy centric, or Dadodile you should look for your fic in here and report it as well!!

PLEASE REPOST THIS SO IT CAN REACH MORE AUTHORS SO THEY CAN KNOW IF THEY ARE BEING STOLEN FROM!

#ao3 writer #a03 #one piece #sir crocodile #dadodile #fanfic #one piece fandom #dofuwani #crocodad #crocomom #a03 fanfic #a03 writer #wattpad #wattpad theft #donquixote doflamingo #mishanks #red haired shanks #dracule mihawk #red hair shanks

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enchantedchocolatebars · 26 days

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Writing Schedule / Fanfic Request Schedule (Based on this poll) ✍️ ✅️

Monday 3 / 25 - Ao3 uploads (Here)

Tuesday 3 / 26 - Ao3 uploads (Here)

Wednesday 3 / 27 - Ao3 uploads (Here)

Thursday 3 / 28 - "Home Is Where The Horse Is" (The third and final part of "Babysitting A Horse Boy" Part 2 here. Requested by @fullnewperfection.) (Here)

Friday 3 / 29 - Break. (Requested by me, lol).

Saturday 3 / 30 - A small peek / glimpse from Chapter 3 ("Bardie Girl") of "A Winsome Witch And A Happy Human" (Chapter titles along with chapter links are here.) (Here)

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irb-pascalito-99 · 1 month

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Worship You

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Word Count: 5.7 k

Rating: 18+ MDNI

Summary: After she experiences a death in the family, Joel tries to give his girl some space to grieve. When she tells him all she wants is him, he makes sure to show her how much he cares about her.

Warnings: grief, mentions of death, mentions of driving under the influence, smut, unprotected p in v, creampie

A/N: This is an excerpt from chapter fourteen of my fic Always an Angel, Never a God. To read more of this pairing please visit a03.

By the time we finally get to Joel’s house, the sun is beginning to rise. The girls are asleep upstairs when we get in, but Tommy and Maria wait in the living room for us.

When I enter the room Tommy stands up, walks across the room, and gives me a hug. I stand with my arms at my side as he holds me for a minute.

“I’m so sorry,” Tommy says as he squeezes me. I blink a couple times, my tired eyes hurting from fighting the sleep that I need.

When Tommy pulls away he holds my shoulders and analyzes me for a moment. I can feel all the eyes in the room on me, waiting for some sort of reaction. I take a step away from Tommy so he will let go of me.

“Anyone hungry?” I ask. I walk past Maria and Tommy into the kitchen, looking at the contents of Joel’s fridge for something to cook. “I could really use some dinner, but I guess at this point maybe breakfast is the better call…”

The others follow after me as I pull the eggs out of the fridge and grab some bread, cinnamon, and sugar out of the pantry. Joel says my name softly to get my attention while I search the cabinets for some bowls.

“French toast sounds good to me, anyone else want some?” I glance over at the others. Tommy looks confused while Maria and Joel share a similar look of concern. “No?”

Joel says my name again. I pull my attention away from him, grabbing an egg and cracking it into one of the bowls I pulled out. I feel Joel walk up behind me. He grabs the second egg out of my hand before I can add it to the bowl with the other. He holds my hand still as he says my name again.

“You need to sleep,” he says softly.

“But I’m making french toast,” I say. I keep my eyes on the counter.

“I’ll make you french toast when you wake up,” Joel responds.

“It’s already tomorrow though,” I retort. “I have work, Ellie has school. There’s no time to sleep.”

“Work and school can wait for another day. They’ll understand.” I let Joel pull me away from the kitchen, but he doesn’t get farther than the living room. Maria and Tommy stand back and watch our conversation.

“I don’t have anywhere to sleep,” I say, continuing to argue.

I can feel how heavy my eyes are, but I’m not ready to sleep. Sleep cements everything that just happened into reality. I have too much to do, and I don’t want to think of what dreams may bring me.

“You can sleep in my room, I’ll stay on the couch until you guys are ready to go home.” I shake my head. I can’t take Joel’s room from him, even though I know he won’t let me refuse.

“I don’t have anything to wear.”

“I’ll give you some of my clothes to sleep in, and we can stop by your house when you wake up for new clothes.” I try to wrack my brain for other excuses.

“There’s too much else to do. I have to get my car from the school. I have to tell Bill and Frank. I have to call Ellie’s school. I have to call the funeral home. I have to write the obituary.” I count each item on my fingers, staring at the floor as I think of more items to add. Joel places a finger under my chin and tilts my head up to look at him.

“Sleep first, we’ll figure out the rest later.” He says with a look in his eyes telling me there’s no room for argument. I sigh and let him direct me toward the stairs. He keeps his hand pressed lightly between my shoulder blades as he walks behind me up the stairs.

I can barely hear the muttered voices of Maria and Tommy downstairs as Joel drags me away. When we get to his room he walks me inside and lets go of me as he closes the door. He turns away to start rifling through his drawers for something I can wear to sleep in.

I hadn’t thought about the fact that I didn’t have clothes at his house before. We may be together in some sense, but every time I’ve spent the night before we slept with our naked bodies tangled in the sheets. It feels more intimate to be wearing his clothes to bed.

I start to take my clothes off while his back is still turned to me, figuring it’s nothing he hasn’t seen before. He immediately averts his eyes when he turns around to see me standing in only my underwear. I feel a rush of rejection at the movement. He’s never looked away before. Joel clears his throat and holds the shirt and sweatpants out to me.

“Here you go, might be a little bit but it should do.” He keeps his eyes on the floor, even when I take the clothes from his hand.

He doesn’t look in my direction until I’ve pulled both the shirt and sweatpants over my body. It feels absurd that only 24 hours ago I had my mouth wrapped around his cock while he slept and now he can’t even look at me while I change. I can’t tell if it hurts more or if I’m angry that he's treating me like I'm delicate.

“I’ll be downstairs,” Joel says motioning his head to the door. “You get some sleep.”

He walks to the doorway while I stand in the middle of the room watching him. What just happened?

“Joel,” I call after him when he opens the door to leave. He turns his head in my direction. “Thanks for the clothes.”

“You’re welcome,” he says and leaves the room.

—

We spent the first full day after my father’s death at Joel’s house. Despite my attempts to keep things normal, my friends are constantly watching me as though I’m seconds away from falling apart. I know it stems from a place of concern, but it only sets me more on edge. My every move is being observed and analyzed. Everyone is walking around me like they’re walking on eggshells. I don’t know how to convince them I’m fine without them thinking I’m in denial.

Ellie still doesn’t want to go home yet, so Joel offered to let us stay at his house at least until after the funeral. Maria comes by in the mornings and doesn’t leave until after we all go to bed. Joel sleeps on the couch. I haven’t been alone with him since he handed me his clothes to sleep in the morning we came back from the hospital.

When Joel offered to let me sleep in his room, I thought he would make his way into the bed after the others had fallen asleep. After the awkwardness of when he handed me his clothes, I thought maybe he just wanted to give me some space to actually sleep for a bit, or maybe he was concerned about others perceiving the relationship we’ve attempted to keep quiet. I held out hope that maybe come night time when everyone left I’d feel the warmth of his body next to mine again. I stayed awake for hours that night, just in case, but he never came. It’s been a couple days since then, and still nothing.

Today I have to do a couple of errands to ensure things are ready for the funeral tomorrow, the first of which is picking up clothes from the house. Maria stopped by the house a couple of days ago to pick up clothes for Ellie and I to where while we stay at Joel’s, but I haven’t been back since I left with Joel to pick up Ellie and Sarah from their trip.

Maria parks the car in the driveway alongside mine and, upon my insistence, waits outside for me while I go in. On top of the lingering stares, and the constant pressure of being surrounded by people, between Maria and Joel I have not been allowed to drive at all in the last several days. They went so far as to pick up my car from the school parking lot while I was asleep that first morning. They brought it back here after and hid the keys.

When I go inside the house it seems exactly the same as it always does. Mine and Ellie’s things are strewn about the various rooms. I’ll have to make sure to come back and clean before we have the wake here tomorrow. Sunlight streams through the open blinds, sending beams of light across the hardwood floors. I feel like I’m disturbing things in a way, like our home has been preserved in a world before the news and my presence forces the grief upon the space.

I move slowly up the stairs, taking in the tranquility of my surroundings. I don’t have to watch myself here, I can just be. I go to Ellie’s room first, delicately opening the drawers to her dresser. I thumb through various shirts until I find the black sweater she wore to our mother’s funeral.

I run my fingers over the soft cotton of the yarn. I remember her tears that day, the way she refused to look at me for weeks after the accident. I remember asap the fights we had in the months I first moved back. She used to scream at me and remind me that I’m not her mother.

We’ve made so much progress since then. It’s been hard to get the relationship to where it is now, but I can’t help but wonder if we’re headed back to that kind of relationship with the passing of our dad. She’s been so quiet since his passing, it’s hard to read where she’s at. I do my best to push the thought out of my head as I grab the black slacks that finish her outfit and move on to grab mine.

I keep my funeral dress in the back of my closet. A simple black piece with short sleeves, it used to be a dress I would wear regularly. I can’t stand to look at it now, the memory of my mother’s loss dripping off of its fabric. I made sure to save it for the next one though. I grab a small bag from my closet and throw Ellie’s clothes, along with my dress and a pair of opaque tights and black heels, inside.

I glance at my bed from the doorway before I leave. Joel took the time to make it before we went to pick up the girls that afternoon. I stood back and watched him after he declared I wasn’t doing it right. His eyebrows pinched together in concentration as he tucked the corners in neatly. I close my eyes and sigh as I move on.

The last of my father’s things are hidden in the far corner of the closet in the art studio. We kept his nicest suit in a garment bag there, anticipating the need for exactly this, the outfit he will wear to his own funeral. Because the room was originally the master bedroom, the closet is large and I’ve put a lot of things inside to store. Which means I have to walk past stacks of art, both mine and my mother’s, to get to the bag I’m looking for.

The large canvas Joel and I painted last weekend rests by the door among my stack of Joel paintings. My eyes linger on its bright colors as I pass. It feels silly to be so insecure after only days of little romantic interaction with him. It’s not like he’s gone, or even like he’s ignoring me. I see him everyday. I talk to him every day. He shows me he cares every day. However, I can’t help but play the moment with the clothes over in my mind again. I remind myself of his absence in the bed each night. I know there’s a possibility he’s just trying to maintain our secret, but I can’t help wondering if he sees me as weak now. What if that spark is gone?

I tear my eyes away from the painting and grab what I need. Then I turn out the lights and head back down the stairs. When I walk outside with the two bags in my hands. Maria rushes to my side to grab one of the bags when I pause to lock the door again. I ignore the way my stomach clenches in frustration. She just wants to help, but I can’t help feeling like everyone is treating me as though I’m fragile.

We put the bags in the back seat of her car. I don’t look at her as I get in the passenger seat, eyes peering at my car in the driveway next to hers. A lump forms in my throat as I continue to fight against my anger. They won’t even let me drive my own car.

“You good?” Maria asks as she gets in beside me. Her eyes scan my face while I adjust my seat belt.

“Yeah, let’s go.” I reply, keeping my eyes on the front windshield. Maria looks over me once more before putting on her own seatbelt and pulling out of the driveway.

Despite my arguments against it, Maria does go into the funeral home with me. She follows me awkwardly through the building, observing my every movement. She stays quiet, but always just a step behind, while the funeral director asks me questions and we pick out options for the service.

I wasn’t very present with the planning for my mother’s funeral. Bill and Frank took over most of that for me, claiming I needed to focus my energy on Ellie. It was a reprieve I gladly accepted then, but one I refuse now. It’s nice to have something to do, to have a distraction amidst it all.

A good number of things had already been decided beforehand since his health had been declining for so long. The last steps are really just finalizing the details. Who will be performing the service? Where? Which coffin did we want to use? What will he wear for the viewing? Working out the details has given me a chance for some normalcy in my life while everyone attempts to get me to step back. Even now, when we drop off the clothes my father is to wear at the viewing tomorrow. I’m acutely aware of Maria’s wandering stare beside me.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She asks, her hands toying with the edges of the garment bag I’ve placed on the counter. I drum my fingers across the counter while we wait for the funeral director to come get the clothes so we can be on our way.

It’s just the two of us in the empty showroom up front. The funeral director went to the backroom for a moment to put the file of our selections away. She offered to bring me back there as well, to give me a chance to view the body before tomorrow. I declined. I don’t want to see him, not now and not at the viewing tomorrow. I just want this to be over. My refusal just seemed to set Maria more on edge.

“I’m fine,” I respond. I keep my attention on the door to the back room.

“It’s okay if you’re not…” Maria pushes. My fingers tighten on the edge of the counter. I take a deep breath and try to keep the bitterness out of my voice when I speak again.

“I said I’m fine okay?” There’s some movement through the window in the door to the bathroom as the funeral director makes her way back to us. “I know he died, but he’s been gone for a while. This doesn’t change anything. If anything, it’s for the best actually.”

Maria and I both go silent when the director comes back out to collect the rest of our items. Maria’s eyes don’t leave the back of my head as the director and I discuss the last few details before the funeral tomorrow. I try to ignore the way her eyes burn into me as I talk.

I walk quickly when we leave, Maria trailing behind me with the car keys in her hand. I wait at the passenger door of her locked car in the parking lot while she catches up with me.

“What do you mean it’s for the best?” Maria asks when she gets to the car. She doesn’t unlock the doors. I sigh and stare up at the sky.

“Maria…” I huff, but she isn’t letting go.

“What do you mean it’s for the best?” She asks again.

I debate on taking off and walking instead. Despite the fact it’s still early February, the weather is extremely nice. There’s a slight chill to the air but with the sun it should be warm enough to walk. That is, if I knew Maria wouldn’t follow me down the road in her car.

“I mean, even if he had by some miracle lived, he would have gone to prison,” I say. Maria and I stare at each other over the hood of the car. She looks concerned, but doesn't judge as I continue. “He decided to drive drunk and he killed two people, now he’s dead. It really is the best possible outcome for him. His little angel will clean up all the pieces for him. The rest of us just go on living and he never has to face the consequences of his actions.”

The weight of what I’ve said lingers in the air. It sounds callous, said out loud. I’m not even sure if that’s the full extent of what I’m feeling right now, but it’s the simplest version to explain. Mourning him doesn’t feel right, so I won’t. I settle on the anger instead, partially because it’s so overwhelming in the face of everything else, and partially because I don’t want to deal with the rest of my grief.

“He’s still your dad,” Maria says quietly. I bite my lip and look away. I know she’s right, but I can’t think of it that way.

“Maria, just drop it.” I plead quietly. She exhales and unlocks the door. I immediately open it and get inside.

—

Joel already has dinner prepared when we get home from our errands. Everyone sits down to eat together, but we maintain an awkward silence through the whole meal. Maria’s eyes keep glancing over at me as I shovel potatoes in my mouth and keep my eyes on the table. Tommy watches the friction between us from his seat beside Maria. He looks as though he wants to say something, but has no idea how to bring it up.

Ellie sits next to Sarah, quietly playing with her food. She hasn’t eaten much lately, but she takes bites from time to time so there’s something fueling her. Joel and I sit on opposite ends of the table. He watches everyone closely, noting the tension in the air as he cuts a piece of his pork chop.

“Is there anything you need help with for tomorrow?” Joel asks, his eyes on me. I look up at him, his expression soft as he offers his help.

“No,” I reply, trying to keep any emotion out of my voice.

“How was-“ Joel tries to ask but I cut him off.

“It was fine. I’m fine.” It comes out harsher than I meant it to.

I can see Joel and Maria exchange a glance in my periphery, which makes the anger turn in my stomach again. I take another bite of my food and get up to clear my plate. I rinse the dish and leave it in the sink before heading upstairs without speaking to the others.

A couple of hours after we all go our separate ways I hear the quiet sound of the doorknob turning and then a gentle click as it latches behind whoever entered the room. I don’t turn to see who it is. Moments later, the mattress sinks under the weight of another body as someone lays down next to me.

“You asleep?” Joel whispers. His breath fans against my shoulder. I nearly sob at the sound of his voice.

“No,” I whisper back. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his chest.

I close my eyes as I feel his face bury into my hair. He presses soft kisses to the back of my head. His hands rub gently up and down my arms. I inhale the scent of vanilla and wood I’ve come to associate with Joel’s presence.

“I really am fine you know,” I murmur. He kisses my hair again.

“I know,” he whispers back. I have a feeling he doesn’t fully believe me, or maybe he does but doesn’t expect it to last. Either way I don’t attempt to convince him any further.

I retreat into him, allowing his gentle caresses to pull out the most vulnerable sides of me. It’s exhausting trying to keep up the balancing act, being sad enough that my friends don’t think I’m psychotic while not being so sad that they think I’m drowning in grief. It has felt like I’m putting on a show instead of simply existing ever since my father passed. I’m too tired now, and Joel’s warmth is too comforting to keep up the facade.

“I’ve missed you,” I say into the dark room. Joel’s fingers brush against my arm again.

“I’ve been here,” he says. I shake my head.

“Not like this.” I murmur. Joel’s hand moves up my arm to pull the hair out of my face. He kisses the skin under my ear.

I turn my body around in the bed to face him. His hair falls in messy curls around his face. He’s wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. He maintains a soft expression on his face, but I notice a hesitancy in him. I softly press my lips against the patch in his beard.

“I don’t want to push you.” Joel murmurs as I move my lips to his. I kiss him softly, our noses brushing against each other. “I don’t want it to be like how it was when Ellie was in the hospital. That wasn’t fair to you.”

I don’t understand what he means by ‘it wasn’t fair to me’. I wanted to be with him at that time just as much as he wanted to be with me. I didn’t feel like he pushed me to do anything, why would he?

“I know you have a lot on your mind right now,” Joel continues. “I don’t want you to think I expect anything. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to. That’s not what this is for me.”

“I want you,” I mumble against his lips. I kiss him again. My lips are firmer against his this time as I swipe my tongue against his bottom lip. “Please, I want you. I’m not weak or broken. I can drive my own car and make my own decisions. I want you.”

I try to be patient, to let him lead, but I wrap my hand around the thick muscles of his arm anyway. Going from an entire weekend of constant intimacy with Joel to nearly a week without touching him has made me hungry for his attention. His hands spread across my back, holding me delicately as he allows me to take what I need.

“You have me,” He responds while resting his forehead against mine.

“I want more of you. I need more.” I’m feeling desperate now. It’s not enough to be beside Joel, to feel his body wrapped around mine. One of his hands leaves my back and travels down to my bare thigh.

I’m only wearing panties and the oversized t-shirt he let me borrow to sleep in on the first night here. When he looks down at my clothing it’s as though he just now realized I’m wearing it. He grips my thigh harder, eyes darkening with lust when he pulls me in for another kiss.

His tongue slides into my mouth as I pull at the fabric of the shirt he is wearing, fighting to get him closer despite his entire body being pressed tightly against mine. He breaks the kiss only to allow me the space to pull the shirt over his head and then begin to kiss my neck softly.

Joel takes his time with all of it, his fingers delicately sliding under my shirt to glide against my bare skin. I twitch when his thumbs brush my nipples.

“Joel,” I whine. I push my hips against him, his hardening length making contact with my core.

He growls at the feeling, his hands squeezing me harder. He climbs on top of me, finally pulling my panties down my legs. I whine and attempt to grind against him but Joel presses my hips back down to the bed.

“Patience baby, let me do this for you.” I lose myself in his eyes, his hand slowly snaking between my thighs.

There’s something different about the way he touches me tonight. Each brush of his hand is deliberate. Just the slightest movement sends sparks across my skin. He doesn’t break eye contact with me as he runs his finger through my folds. I push my head back a little, my lips parting though I’m careful to keep my eyes on his.

There’s a deeper connection between us this time around. His eyes communicate with mine wordlessly as he begins to rub circles against my bundle of nerves. He puts all his energy into showing me the words that fail him. It makes me squirm, not just from the pleasure he’s providing me but from the emotions involved in all of it. It’s too much to handle, too much to feel right now.

I move my hand down and pull him out of his underwear, hoping to pull some of his attention off of me. He hisses through his teeth when I grip his cock. I twist my wrist as I move my hand slowly up and down his shaft. His hips chase my hand despite the way his hand grips my wrist to get me to stop.

“Enough,” he growls, squeezing my wrist as I pump him again.

“Then fuck me already,” I whisper back. He pulls my hand off of him and pushes his boxers the rest of the way down.

I spread my legs further apart so he can nestle in between them. He rests against me, rubbing his swollen head through my folds as it leaks pre-come. I whine as he runs his length over where I need him most, but doesn’t push inside.

“Joel,” I plead. I push my hips up, the tip of him breaching my hole. He shivers as I pull him in, not moving from where he rests against me.

“Okay, okay sweetheart.” He keeps one hand on his cock as the other grabs my leg and hitches it around his waist. I have to bite my lip to keep from calling out as he pushes inside. My eyes flutter shut, but his fingers squeeze my leg and he pauses his movement. “Oh no you don’t. Keep your eyes on me darlin’.”

I force my eyes open again to make contact with his. He continues in one long, slow, motion until his hips are flush with mine. I expect him to immediately drive into me with the intense passion he normally does, but when I’m completely full of him he freezes again.

He drops his head to my shoulder and I huff in frustration as I wait for him to move. I can feel every ridge and vein of him as I pulse around his length, my wetness dripping around him. The house is silent aside from our hushed breaths. I’m desperate for some sort of motion, but he does not grant it to me.

I start to move instead, pressing my hips up and down the best I can while stuck between his body and the mattress. I go fast, settling for short bursts as I desperately try to get enough friction to build the pressure in my core again.

Joel pulls back slightly to give me more room, but it’s not enough. None of it is enough. He watches me through hooded eyes while I desperately attempt to set a good pace.

“Baby,” Joel murmurs. I feel something vaguely simmering inside me, but it’s nothing like what Joel normally provides. He mutters my name and grabs my hips, pressing them back to the mattress. I throw my head back on the pillow as he stills my movements. “Not like this, not tonight.”

He pulls out of me and kneels back on the bed, looking over my form carefully. I adjust my body on the bed, self conscious from his observing eyes.

“As much as I love this on you,” Joel says, tugging at the shirt that covers me. “I need to see all of you.”

He pulls his shirt over my head and throws it on the floor. I am bare to him now, his eyes roving over me not in lust but in worship. He looks over my body but stares into my soul. His hands skim my form delicately before he positions himself over me again and presses a delicate kiss to my lips.

I watch closely as his lips trail down my entire body. He kisses softly at my skin as though he’s trying to memorize how my skin feels pressed against his lips. He kisses down my neck, over my shoulders, across my chest. My stomach tenses as he kisses further down my body. I jolt when he lightly presses against my core, not in a sexual way like he has before but gentle and loving. He moves to my thighs next and down my legs, then back up again until he reaches my hips once more.

“You’re perfect,” he whispers to me and lines himself back up with my center. I pull my arms around his neck, my eyes staring into his as I await his next move.

He cages me in with his body, wrapping my legs around his waist while his arms rest on either side of my head, holding his upper body above me. He pushes back inside me with a languid thrust and sets his pace.

I moan against him, finally getting the reprieve I need. His hands grip the sheets by my head while he watches my face contort in pleasure. I pull lightly at the ends of his hair, my toes curling as I gasp. I start to lose myself in the feeling of him, allowing the warmth of his body to float me away to some other place.

His body melts into mine. I’m no longer aware of where he ends and I begin. He doesn’t retreat fully, not wanting to leave my body long enough to do so. He thrusts slow and deep, each one knocking the breath out of me. We share the air between us, our breaths mingling in soft pants as he cages me in. The world fades away until all I feel is him. All I see is him. All I know is him.

Sex with Joel has always been great, but this is on another level. The word sex can’t even encapsulate what is happening right now between us. This time it’s not about finding release, or the pleasure that builds in my stomach. This time it’s about the way I can feel the sweat on his skin and each pulse of his member inside me. It doesn’t take long for him to bring me back to the precipice of my orgasm.

I feel tears well in my eyes as I clench around him. It’s everything I needed and too much at the same time. I thought this would provide me a distraction from my grief. Instead Joel holds me like he’s trying to prove how much he truly sees me, trying to prove he’s here to help me hold the burden.

I’ve never felt this vulnerable. It scares me that he doesn’t look away. If anything he seems to hold me closer. The hand that rests by my head moves closer to my face, his thumb brushing the tear on my cheek away. He moves his thumb out of the way to press a kiss to my tear stained cheek.

“I’m gonna-“ he says hoarsely, his lips ghosting my cheek.

“Me too,” I reply. It feels like my entire being is about to explode, and despite how overwhelming the experience already is I need to know what it feels like to be one with him. I desperately want to feel every last moment of this. I don’t want it to end. “Do it inside, please.”

He looks at me with wide eyes, a silent question of ‘Are you sure?’ passing between us. He knows I’m on the pill, but we’ve always been extra careful. We have enough going on with Ellie and Sarah that we don't need to risk any other surprises. Right now, nothing else matters but having all of him.

I nod my head, giving him a final approval. We keep our eyes on each other as he groans and I feel his warmth begin to release inside me. I let go as well. His body wraps tighter around me as I pulse around him. He pushes deeper while ribbons of his seed spread inside me. We kiss passionately, our lips pressed hard against each other as both of us struggle to stay quiet with the pleasure coursing through our bodies.

Once the shockwaves begin to subside, and Joel’s twitching frame subsides into one of heavy pants, he drops his forehead to mine. He holds me close while he rolls us onto our sides, keeping one of my legs hooked around his waist so he doesn’t slip out. I fall asleep with him still inside me, his body intertwined with mine in every way.

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