#about what i was overthinking what i am overthinking but like less now lol

[soberrsoon]

Can you do a fic about Bill or Tom (doesn’t matter who because atp I can’t decide whether I’m a Bill girl or a Tom girl 😭) where both him and reader have been dreaming of eachother, but they’ve never met like ever. Like randomly they started having dreams of eachother, but the catch is, they’ve been dreaming WITH eachother. Then maybe one day they see eachother irl and both are in shock to find out that they’ve been dreaming with eachother

(Sorry if this doesn’t make sense 😭)

T. KAULITZ x READER

★ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: you haven’t gotten much sleep lately since you’ve been dreaming about a mysterious boy.

★ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: alcohol, swearing

★ 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: LOL i am definitely a tom girl but anyways sorry i’ve been busy y’all 😻 i have to do band stuff (yes im in band) speaking of which though… band camp is starting soon so im gonna be really busy unfortunately 😭 but send reqs and i’ll try to write as much as i can and get a lot posted before i leave and i also try to post during it as well!! ALSOOOO my birthday is tomorrow yippee 🥳

you haven’t been able to sleep much recently, not ever since a mysterious bit appeared in your dreams. it was strange since you’ve never seen him before but you weren’t complaining since damn he was hot. your dreams with the boy were all very vivid, almost like they were real and you feel in control in those dreams, like it’s real life. you and the mysterious boy never speak in the dreams, usually you two would just enjoy each others company, amused by one another.

you wondered if that boy was real person dreaming just like you.

before you could overthink it though, you got up to get ready. you brushed you teeth, got changed and started making breakfast. you placed your food on the kitchen table before taking a seat and calling your friend liz. “can i come over later?” you asked her through the phone. “sure. i’m just picking breakfast right now, want some?” she asked. you looked down at your plate, deciding whether to eat at your place or abbi’s. “i’ll have some, see you later,” you said.

you packed your breakfast up put it in the fridge, making your way out the door to abbi’s house. since her place wasn’t that far, you would always walk over which took less that 15 minutes. when you finally got to her house, you decided to tell her all about your dreams with the mysterious hot boy. “okay so like the dreams are super vivid, but they’re just dreams,” you explained. “and the boy? do you know him?” she asked. “that’s the thing! i don’t know him, he’s like super mysterious,” you replied.

“well what does he look like?” she asked. you though about it entire giving your response. “well he has like dreadlocks, he wears baggy clothes and he has a lip piercing right here,” you explained, pointing to your lip. “he sounds totally hot,” abbi said sarcastically. “ugh you don’t get, i wud you could see him because he is totally hot,” you said. “yeah whatever,” she said.

you guys continued eating your food before abbi started talking. “do you wanna go out tonight?” she asked. “i don’t know… i’m not really i’m the mood,” you replied. “well maybe you’ll find your dream boy,” she said. “oh you’re right, fine i’ll go but you’re paying for first round of shots,” you said laughing as abbi rolled her eyes. you guys decided to go out to run some errands before going back to your place to get ready.

you guys first went to the post office since abbi had to mail something. you waited outside since she’d be awhile and as you waited you noticed someone that caught your eye. it was a boy who looked exactly the one in your dreams but… different? you thought. this boy had spiky black hair instead of dirty blonde dreadlocks. he was inside a gift shop across from the post office. you quickly rushed into the post office to grab abbi’s attention.

“abbi! look! across the street, that boy with black hair, do you see him?” you asked. “yeah…? what’s wrong with him?” she asked. “he looks exactly like the boy in my dreams,” you said. abbi didn’t speak for a second. “wow, i’m sorry i doubted you then, that boy is hot,” she said. “i know right?!” you replied. “well what are you going to do?” she asked. “nothing i guess, i mean what can i do?” you replied. “you’re right, let’s just go back to your place now,” she replied.

you two took a taxi back to yours since it would’ve been a 30 minute walk. “maybe we will fine your dream boy tonight, i mean we basically saw his twin today,” abbi said. “maybe,” you replied, focused on your mascara. abbi was curling her hair and you were doing your makeup as you waited for her to finish. you two switched before both finishing. “you done?” she asked. “almost,” you said, putting your hoop earring in. “okay! now i’m done,”

you guys took get another taxi to the club for a night out, hoping to find your dream boy or at least get drunk. the club was packed today, it’s not like it was the weekend so you weren’t sure why. as you two walked in you could tell the club was filed with girls, all in a crowd surrounding someone. you and abbi tried looking to see who it was but couldn’t push through the other girls. “is there a celebrity or something?” abbi asked. “i don’t know but let’s just go to the bar,” you replied. as you two left the crowd, you didn’t realize a pair of eyes following you.

you ordered your drink along with abbi and you guys started talking as you waited. “look around, do you see him?” you asked abbi. “i can’t tell this club is filled with girls,” she said. “yeah i wonder what that’s about,” you said as you looked at the crowd. your drinks arrived and you two started drinking, you both got shots. even though abbi could not hold alcohol she always insists on drinking and she was already drunk after her third shot.

she decided to walk around now, searching for a hookup and you decided to follow her. she laid eyes on a boy with curly brown hair and started making a move, you decided to leave her and go sit on a sofa. you sat around awkwardly now not knowing what to do until you locked eyes with familiar face. you couldn’t believe what you were seeing, it was the boy from your dreams. he had the dreadlocks and everything and he looked shocked to see you as well. you didn’t know if you should approach him or just leave it because what if he thinks you’re crazy?

you convinced yourself that you were seeing things and that the alcohol was kicking in so you went to the nearest bathroom you could find. you splashed your face with water before getting your phone out to text abbi about the encounter. you then prepared yourself and walked out.

“hey,” you heard a male voice call from behind you as you slowly turned around. “hello?” you asked. it was the same boy you saw a few minutes ago. “this may sound weird but i’ve been seeing you in my dreams lately and i haven’t been able to sleep. i knew i had to approach y since this was such a coincidence,” he said and you were surprised that he was dreaming about you as well. “wow, oh my gosh. i’ve been dreaming about you too, i wasn’t sure you were real when i saw you but i haven’t been able to sleep recently either,” you replied.

“let me buy you a drink,” he said. you nodded and followed him to the bar. you guys got to talking more and you both realized you’ve been dreaming about the same thing. “do you think we’ve been dreaming together? i mean my dreams feel pretty vivid,” you said. “surprisingly this makes sense,” he replied. you guys instantly clicked after that. you found out that his name was tom and you told him about your encounter with his “look-a-like” which you now know as his twin bill.

once you both left the bar you started texting instead and of course you had to tell abbi all about it.

[katebeckets]

the tortured poets department

i have thoughts!! surprising, right?? this is for anyone who cares to read them ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Before you read, note that this is going to be critical of things, so let me just start by saying I have loved and listened to Taylor since I was 8, so none of it is said lightly or without careful thought (in fact, this took me absurdly long to write). Most of the issues I have are very near to my heart, actually, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. If you don't want to read criticism, then just don't read more. DISCLAIMER that I did my best, but not even this fully captures the nuance I feel able my own opinions lol I recognize the other sides and points, I really do. I hold many conflicting opinions.

The short version is I will always love her music and her voice and she is capable of writing absolutely gorgeous lyrics (dare I say poetry?). I don't tend to think too much about the sound of it because if I like the sound, it's all I really care about—maybe it sounds the same as other stuff, but if I like that other stuff, I don't really care about whether she branches out or not. I think it's great and interesting when she (or anyone) does, but I also don't like change so it doesn't matter to me the way I know it matters to some people. That's just me!

What gets more complicated for me is the narrative, themes, and general trends that have been more prominent the last year or so, and that's what the rest of my thoughts are. It's me enjoying the music while also being acutely aware of all the grief tangled up in it because of how much less connected I feel in many ways.

Side note: this got soooo much longer than even I expected and it still just scratches the surface! so if you decide to read, 1. thank you, and 2. I'd love to keep talking to you. 🤍

———————————————————— 💭

I am an overthinker (shocking!) and will for sure be annoyed that I can't think of each and every thing I think about this album, but this is what comes to mind right now. Some things that have stood out to me more and more with each release:

a tendency to write self-aware lyrics that, in trying to be self-aware, betray somewhat of a lack of self-awareness

a frustration with never growing up that she expresses while also not realizing the way she is complicit in that and her own refusal to grow up

considering herself the victim, particularly after "overcoming" the accusations that she always plays the victim

venturing more boldly into the territory of serious mental illness/suicidal ideation/mental health treatment despite demonstrating a fair amount of ignorance regarding those things in the past

fame going to her head (in the sense of her becoming further and further out of touch) and the entitlement in a lot of the more immature attitudes that come across in these songs

self-awareness: for me, the first example that comes to mind is Anti-Hero: "it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me." It's a claim at self-awareness because she's poking fun at the fact that she knows people always say "maybe she's the problem." The reason why it feels to me like it exposes a lack of self-awareness is because she explores it mostly as a criticism to overcome and not a valid point of self-reflection. @jakeperalta's tags on her post explain it better than I do. Yes, there's an issue when you reduce every feeling to "well maybe she's the problem," but part of growth is admitting that maybe you are part of the problem and coming to terms with the fact that there is often some inevitable truth to that statement—and being willing to work on it. This example is from Midnights, but I think it ties into the next point.

immaturity/never growing up: I actually think these first two sections are just two parts of one section, but it's easier to read this way anyway. There are lots of references to not growing up on this album, the first that come to mind being "So High School" and "teenage petulance." Maybe it's just me, but as a 34-year-old woman, I wouldn't want to be feeling "so high school." I mean, as a 25-year-old, when I talk about feeling like my high school self, it's usually because I'm recognizing how limited my judgment and self-awareness was in high school (despite all the therapy and my efforts to be self-aware in high school). And I am aware of my own bias here—I absolutely hate the football game days because I didn't even like watching people act like that in high school, but at least they were high schoolers—but I do think part of what we've seen is Travis allowing her to be more immature and take less responsibility because that's also where he is at. Obviously I don’t speak to it with any authority since I don't know what happened in the relationship, but based on her behaviors and what I know about Joe (which is VERY little), I kind of get the feeling that part of what she didn't like about being with Joe is that he pushed her to grow. "Your integrity makes me seem small," etc. etc., but not in an “I want to grow” way, but not liking that feeling because she shouldn't have to feel small just because she wants to be able to only do what makes her happy. Just looking at the difference in her behavior and the fact that it seems like she's stopped trying to learn (Miss Americana-ish), it seems like she very much resents the responsibility that comes with being such a famous person and mainly considers herself a victim of her fame.

victimhood: to an extent, yes, she is a victim of her fame. No one should have that much fame and power, and of course she didn't sign up for it in this way. But wanting to have the kind of influence and reach that most artists desire is intertwined with fame. There isn't a way to separate it (in an ideal world, maybe, but that isn't what we're dealing with) and it's something that, to some degree, artists do sign up for. And I think she resents that she's expected to take any sort of responsibility for anything that she doesn't want to do, in a very, "but that's not fair!," teenage petulance kind of way. She even says in Sweet Nothing that "I'm just too soft for all of it." We're all too soft for all of it, but that doesn't mean we get to ignore it. It bothers me that she doesn't seem to feel any sort of responsibility to use this giant platform to do better. Everyone is aware of her influence, including her. I think that's part of the grief. No, it is not her job to use her platform for good, but I thought that it was something she valued and something she wanted. The other line that really stuck out to me was from Cassandra: "They say what doesn't kill you makes you aware, what happens if it becomes who you are?" You may be a victim of what doesn't kill you, but if it becomes who you are, that's not their fault. It reminds me a bit of the exhaustion of living with mental illness. For me in particular, it affects my relationships in a very fundamental way, and there are days that I sob because I am exhausted of things that are so normal being so, so difficult for me... but even though I didn't ask for it and it's not fair that this happened to me, it's still my responsibility to understand how my issues affect how I show up in relationships. It's still my problem, even though it isn't my fault that it's my problem. And if you're lucky, you find really beautiful people who are willing to help you and see that it's not their responsibility, but they want to make it easier for you—I recognize how lucky I am to have some people like that, but it never makes it anyone else's problem. If they decide one day it's not their problem, the truth is that it isn't (and then there's a more complex conversation about what you want to do to preserve a relationship). This is also very connected to something about Kate Beckett/why I identify with that character, and I can touch on that if anyone wants to know, but I don't really have cohesive thoughts about that prepared (it makes more sense if you already know the character). This also goes to other things, like her being upset that people always focus on who songs are about while ignoring the part she played in feeding that culture (like with secret messages).

mental health: this goes to a bigger discussion of how we turn to celebrities who are HIGHLY unqualified to have opinions on things for guidance (the nuance of the above discussion about using your platform), but the more she ventures into the discussion of mental illness, the more upset I get by some remarks she has made in the past. And yes, people grow, she may not feel this way anymore, but nothing in her behavior gives me any reason to believe that she doesn't still have this attitude. This is one that I know I have to be careful of because of how personal it is for me (I've been placed on a 5150 "danger to self" hold and I am a therapist), but one interview that has always made me so upset is that one where she talks about how she's never been to therapy, then ends it by saying "I feel like we just had a therapy session." She has said multiple times how she has never wanted to go to therapy when she has her mom, who already knows everything about her. And that is highly irritating to me because 1. that's why she's your MOM, not your THERAPIST, and 2. there's already so much stigma and apprehension around therapy and many people feel this way, so to have someone like Taylor Swift validate all the people who say "I'd rather talk to someone who already knows me" or "so and so is my therapist" is unbelievably frustrating. There's a reason it's unethical to treat people you know—that isn't therapy. And I think I wouldn't be so bothered by it if she didn't speak about it with such authority, like she knows what she's talking about when what she's saying shows that she doesn't (edit: this is specifically in regard to therapy, not mental illness. I am highly aware that anyone can be mentally ill). The other thing about this album is that it does seem to be an album about loving people with mental illness, and I've already seen a lot of interpretations that simply feed the narrative that people with mental illness are unlovable and mental illness is the reason people mistreat you (particularly the discussion about her lovers being blue all the time). And the issue with that is it's already a common misconception among people with mental illness, that their mental illness is an excuse or reason why they don't treat people right. It's disrespectful to the people who recognize that they have a mental illness that affects how they interact with others and choose to try to overcome it. I'm all for honest discussions about mental illness, but it's so disheartening when it happens on such a large scale and some of the loudest voices are people who don't know enough to know how to (at least try to) do no harm.

fame: I'm not really going to go into it because this has already turned out way longer than I meant for it to, but also because I feel like it's already been touched on. For me, it's the conversation about her feeling she should be able to just do what she wants. I think we all feel that way, but because of her fame and the fact that she's just about untouchable (as shown in how she came back from being cancelled), she can just tune everyone out. But one example was how uneasy I felt about this album being announced at the grammys. For one thing, it's not a fan-voted award, so even if it should, it doesn't feel the same. And regardless of your take on award shows, I do think it showed a level of insensitivity to the other artists who haven't won a bunch of grammys to decide that she would announce a new album at the grammys. Because even if she had a backup plan and said she didn't plan on it, the truth is that, to decide to have a backup plan, you did have to count on it happening, at least to an extent. You had to feel it was likely enough that you wanted to have a back up plan just in case, but it probably would go the way you wanted. To me, it just felt so... disrespectful. Because for many other artists, it doesn't happen more than once. (not to mention the many other things happening that got completely overshadowed, like Annie Lennox calling for a ceasefire)

So if you read all that... I don't even know what the point is at this point. These are just thoughts that, to me, don't feel right to simply ignore. I know there's an argument that you can enjoy music without enjoying where it came from, and it's true to an extent, but I also think part of the music is where it comes from. So... I don't know. Do with that what you will. And if you are reading this, I love you (I can't believe you're reading this).

[katiekatdragon27]

More Flatland stuffff~~~

[Cursive transcript: I'm so sorry this is so sudden, but I had to keep my Chosen safe!]

So, uh, the 4th dimension, am I right?????

So, on my last post, people were more interested in A. Tesseract than I thought. I did not expect her to stir so much interest, but here you go lol.

More under the cut lol / lots of notes:

Some basic information on 4th dimensional beings:

They refer to themselves as "hypersolids" and "polytopes". Only Tesseracts prefer a different name than just "hyper(insert shape here)". When talking to other dimensional beings, they call themselves "Spacelanders".

They usually keep their eyes closed, and they do not emote much.

Their bodies naturally morph as they talk. They are also partially transparent, so you can see their inside movements. Not organs or anything, but the next emotions or actions they are going to express. Sort of like key frames or a fade in effect.

They call "Spacelanders" "Heightlanders".

Their civilization is located in space. They are able to breathe through little pockets of air on their rings that recharge when they enter the atmosphere of other plants. (This is why they are spotted relatively frequently)

Buildings are constantly moving spirals. They also fly everywhere, so they require a lot of energy to maintain their health. Luckily, any stars nearby tend to charge them up just fine.

Also, everyone goes by they/them along with another pronoun if they choose. Gender constructs be damned (or certain groups are fighting for that).

There will be more once I think of it, but that's what I have in the world-building department right now.

Some basic information on Angelica "A." Tesseract (she/they):

She tends to say "I'm sorry" after anything they might think could have been of inconvenience or offensive.

They are relatively soft-spoken, but they are incredibly smart compared to her peers.

Her quiet nature causes others to disrespect and step all over her.

She overthinks LITERALLY EVERYTHING. You could tell her something that is even the slightest bit vague and they have the chance of spiraling.

She KNOWS there are more than four dimensions, but they are struggling to prove it with science.

They are much more emotional compared to other hypersolids. They tend to cry easily.

She chose A. Sphere because of his confidence and drive to get his points across. They admire him for that.

Some basic information on A. Sphere in this:

He's much less snarky. His whole vision of the world was destroyed in the blink of an eye, and he's stuck in another world completely unknown to him. He's going though it currently.

He's still blunt about everything. If you suck, he'll tell you. If you are cool, it'll take a little longer, but he'll tell you.

He got his eye busted after the attack on Messiah Inc. When getting removed from "Heightland", his eye got caught in the blow last minute and it got damaged. He can still open it slightly, but he can't see out of it.

He was relatively indifferent to seeing his body transparent. He was more worried about his eye injury over anything else.

At first, he did not like A. Tesseract (cuz kidnapping), but he learns to appreciate the gesture and does his best to help her out.

[Cursive transcript: For now, I'm afraid so... sorry. / I'm so sorry. If I was just a but faster, I could have saved your eye.]

Yeah, their friendship starts out really rough.

A. Sphere adjusted to the environment very poorly at first. He was very standoffish and snappy, but it then soured to just sorta feeling sad all the time. He gets better eventually the more he learns about the world, but it takes a lot of effort out of A. Tesseract to get him there.

I mean, he expected to die, lost his eye, everyone in "Heightland" hates him now, he lost his business and research, and he fails to take the blame for anything for a while. I would also be super pissed and sad.

A. Tesseract was not any better. She feels an incredible amount of guilt for not stepping in in time to prevent A. Sphere's eye damage, and she constantly apologies to him for everything. This sucks for A. Sphere since he finds it super annoying.

[Cursive transcript: N. H.Sphere: You weren't supposed to bring them HERE! / A. Tesseract: I'm sorry, I had to save him- / N. H.Sphere: I should fire you-!]

N. H.Sphere is a mega grouch. He is A. Tesseract's boss who treats her terribly. Discrediting her work, ignoring their research, and just not valuing her opinion cuz women, he is not fun to talk to or just be around in general. No one knows how HR lets him stay in charge, but some theorize that he pays them off or something.

Despite all of the traumatic crap A. Sphere has gone though in this story, he still does not stand for disrespect from anyone. When he learns that A. Tesseract is constantly being pushed around by her bitchy boss, he decides to defend her.

This solidifies their friendship and later science partnership when the story ends. This also makes N. H.Sphere more resentful towards both A. Tesseract an A. Sphere. This leads to A. Tesseract actually getting fired from her job. Thanks A. Sphere.

[Cursive transcript: N. H.Sphere: Why are you so scared? He's fine! / A. Tesseract: It's my un-medicated anxiety!!]

One of the downsides of being in the 4th dimension and living in space is that the gravitational pull is super sporadic with no real patterns. Some areas have super powerful gravity while others have zero. 4th dimension beings have learned to adjust perfectly fine.

The pressure changes and general lack of oxygen negatively impact A. Sphere's body, however, so to help him be okay, he sits in those vacuum boxes that allow for added pressure to be put on him to help even his breathing. He usually isn't put in unless he is fading in and out of consciousness, since he hates the confined space. It freaks out A. Tesseract every time it happens.

Her boss thinks she's stupid for worrying so much and using company tech. A. Tesseract worries more for A. Sphere than keeping her job, so she ignores N. H. Sphere.

[Cursive transcript: Care to see him again?]

Outside of the partial angst and stuff, this dimension is the reason why A. Sphere shows up in A. Square's hallucination.

During A. Square's trauma-induced hallucination, he shows up in the 4th dimension briefly with the Monarch of Pointland. A. Sphere and A. Tesseract take notice, and she offers him the ability to talk to A. Square one last time for closure reasons.

In this version, this scene would be longer, with A. Sphere possibly apologizing for denying the existence of the 4th dimension and not being able to assist A. Square in the way he wanted to. It's more wholesome and conclusive than transactional like in the movie. The other stuff is there too, but having more sentimental moments would be so cool.

----------

I am very sorry how messy these particular doodles are, I was drawing all these super late at night during my shift, so I was not paying much attention to the flow of the images. When the inspo hits, you don't really realize how incohesive they are until you start photographing the images to post lol

Thank you once again for reading this whole thing, and have a wonderful day :)

[snakebites-and-ink]

Hi! I’m @snakebites-and-ink. 

I’m not gonna put any part of my real name on here, so you can call me by my username or call me Snake for short I guess. (Though I feel kind of weird giving myself my own nickname bc I feel like nicknames are usually assigned by other people. Is that weird? Anyways) My pronouns are he/him. I’m aroace. A couple of fun facts about me are that I love dragons, and that even though I reblog more cat posts I am a dog owner.

I’ve been lurking around the whump community for several months now, so I decided it was time to un-lurk, and hopefully work up to posting some of my own writing (...if I can stick to any of my WIPs long enough to actually make a somewhat coherent story 😓). So, I made one of those intro posts!

A few of my favorite tropes to read:

CONDITIONING MY BELOVED <3

Caretaker whumping the whumper 🙃

- You know what actually whumper-turned-whumpee in general

Carewhumpers (yes pleasssse)

- In a similar vein, the "new whumper is nicer than the former whumper" trope

Pet whump in general tbh

My Big squicks:

Anything sexually explicit

Most whump of a minor

My milder squicks:

Hand gore

Non-medically-necessary tooth pulling

Non-medically-necessary amputation

Most kinds of extreme animalization

Some kinds of eye gore

Stuff I want to write eventually:

BBU

Other pet whump

(modern-ish) fantasy whump

Other speculative fiction whump

Also, a note about social interactions: I have social anxiety and I can be socially awkward sometimes. Because of this, talking to people, even over the internet, can be hard, and I tend to overthink things and worry about it a lot. So please be patient with me and if I take a long time to respond to something, or if I say something kind of off or weird or awkward, please know that I’m not upset and that I mean no offense or anything, it’s just Social Situations Being Difficult.

That being said, I do want interaction! I just figured I should warn that I’ll likely be less graceful at it than the average person. I would love to have people in my askbox and be tagged in things and to acquire some mutuals. (Seriously I want to make some internet friends.) Come on in and engage with my blog, I don’t bite! (...in spite of the name lol)

Thanks for reading this post even though it got kinda long! Hope to see you around, and have a lovely day/night! 😊

PS I should specify my squicks are not the same as a dni. It just means I probably won’t read those particular posts.

[acerathia]

somebody's watching me || Chapter 5: Bleed

Summary:

Meeting him was your fate, your salvation, and you shall do everything to keep things this way.

Wordcount: 5.4k

Read on AO3 || Masterlist

Pairing:

Getou Suguru / Reader

Tags/CW:

no-curse au, Getou is still a cult-leader, cults, Getou's fake personality, dark content, Major Character Death, Paranoia, schizoid form of anxiety disorder, isolation, overthinking (in connection to the anxiety), some form of descent into madness, violence, stream of consciousness to show the mental state of reader, everything has meaning (dreams, colors, symbols etc.), warped look on reality, dissociation, blind trust, indoctrination, manipulation, mind-altering practices, polarisation of people/society, peer pressure, denial of reality, emotional abuse, body horror, drugs (implied), hallucinations,

Note:

Please be cautious reading this work, as it contains heavy themes, which might affect some people. Minors do not interact!! ignore any editing mistakes, i am tired. have fun, maybe? lol

The next weekend, you stood at the stop, waiting for the bus. You had signed up when you had managed to convince your family. While you didn't really remember how you had managed it, it had worked. The means to a goal shouldn't matter.

The headphones in your ears drowned out the sounds around you. There should be a bus coming soon to pick up the whole group, but you seemed to be a little early. This happened to you often, because you preferred to be at the place before the appointed time than too late. You didn't like having to worry about the time. Even though the empty lot still made you nervous. Were you in the wrong place? Had you gotten the time wrong and were actually late? Your teeth gnawed at your lower lip as you kept glancing right and left. But as some people slowly gathered close by, you were able to breathe a little easier. You still weren’t sure if these people were part of the group, but their equipment seemed to match the ones on the list. Even though you knew you were in the right place, you continued to look around. You only knew the leader, as he had invited you himself, and you kept an eye out for him. He did not seem to have arrived yet. Before he had the opportunity to even arrive, the bus pulled up to the stop. At first, you hesitated to get on. You had not heard any instructions, so you did not know if it would be right to do so. Only the fact that you were standing alone on the street convinced you to enter the bus.

Inside, most of the seats were already occupied. That probably meant that most of the members were already there. You wondered if there was still an empty seat by the window. Your eyes darted back and forth between the backmost and the frontmost seats. But when you spotted the man at the front, you decided to sit there. You even found a seat next to the window. Now you understood why everyone had just gotten on when the bus came. They were probably used to this situation, since the leader probably already was in the bus on these occasions.

You didn't want to disturb the only person you knew, so you didn't dare greet him. Besides, you didn't expect anyone to sit next to you anyway, after all, no one knew you. You had often dealt with similar situations. Still, that didn't mean it hurt any less. You probably would never be able to get rid of this pain completely. You had to admit, you never really understood why people didn't like you very much. No matter how hard you tried to fit in with the outside world. You could tell what people thought of you by simple looks, their facial features. You were getting absolutely tired of not fitting in anywhere, despite your best efforts. You had stopped trying, preferring to isolate yourself rather than be isolated.

You had to force yourself to take a deep breath. The ride hadn't even started and already you hated your current position among the people. And you really shouldn't, not yet. The trip offered itself to you as a chance to get better, to make friends. Even though you carried a bit of hope in your hands, you were aware that you didn't really know how to approach other people.

Your hand searched for your water bottle so you could take a few sips from it. The coolness in your throat helped a little and calmed your nerves. Then you rested your head against the window pane and looked out. You probably wouldn't be able to do anything else before the bus left, and probably not during the trip either.

But before the trip began, you sensed movement in the seat next to you. You wondered whether or not to turn around. Finally, you turned your head slightly and caught the glance of him. Oh, you must have been caught. Still, being able to lock eyes with him made your heart beat in a way, in a way which resembled panic, yet on another level. So, you smiled hesitantly at your neighbor, trying to not let your insides burst out.

For a moment, you didn’t know what to do, his gaze intently on your face, and you were about to turn back to the window, but then he suddenly gave you a small smile, one so unexpected, but one you couldn’t help but admire and cherish. How many other people had ever had this privilege? His whole being seemed to radiate from within with this small gesture and you felt dazzled, overwhelmed. For a moment you wondered why such a luminous person would sit down next to you, talk to you. But you asked no questions and passed your own smile like an anchor, trying to tie yourself helplessly onto his. Maybe this was your chance to get a little bit closer, not more than that.

You really wanted to make it work, but even the first hurdle seemed way too high; what were you going to talk with him about? You had little experience with small talk and social situations. Those memories stuck deep in your chest and knotted your thoughts. Why couldn't you be social? Why were you the way you were now? Something about you was wrong; everything about you was wrong. Your thoughts seemed to be stuck in your head for an eternity and you never came up with a topic. But before you could turn away again, embarrassed, he actually started talking to you, leading the conversation effortlessly. Relief seemed to loosen your muscles. So you at least tried not to make it harder for him than it had to be. While you were better with listening, you kept trying to respond to what he was saying. You hoped that by doing so you would not annoy him away, hoped he would stay by your side.

This way, the beginning of the ride passed. At some point you just let the silence rest between you. You weren’t sure at the beginning if he didn't want to talk to you anymore because he was annoyed and didn't like you. That was why you had given him an uncertain look at first, but he caught it and gifted you with another smile. This reaction calmed your worries and you could just sit with her in peace. Even if his smile laid heavy in your mind. You had to admit, it gave you some sort of weird feeling in your chest, which wouldn't go away, but it was rather pleasant, something else, something he had given you. It felt like he had temporarily freed you, enlightened you.

When the bus finally arrived at its destination, the whole group got off with an excited chatter. You brought up the rear, letting everyone else go ahead. At least that's what you wanted, but he didn't seem to want to leave you alone. Not that you minded, but it was just unexpected.

When you finally stepped onto the grass, you looked around. The bus had stopped in front of a grassy area, with buildings visible in the distance. The grassy landscape seemed familiar in some way, but you couldn't find any real memory of it. Perhaps it was simply déja vu. You could still feel your shoulders getting heavier and your heart wanting to jump out of your throat. But you tried to ignore the feeling and followed the person in front of you. The whole group lined up in a formation on the lawn. You just squeezed in between two people without really understanding what it was supposed to look like. But you didn't ask, you followed the steps of the others. Maybe your questions would be answered by themselves.

Suddenly everyone fell silent and their eyes were fixed on one person in the middle of the formation. You recognized him as the leader, something you were aware of, yet felt so jarring to actually witness. There had to be a lot of respect, otherwise, people wouldn't wait for his words with such silence, would they? You could do nothing but look around curiously, but you seemed to have been caught. The leader had given you a disappointed look and then turned back to the others. Your heart sank and your lungs twisted. Had you done something wrong? You didn't know. Your tongue licked over your lower lip and suddenly it was much harder to swallow. You didn't want to disappoint anyone, but you had done it anyway. Great job. Still, you tried to make an effort and understand his words. Even though your ears were filled with the roar of your pulse. That's why you only heard that everyone should throw their phones, their means of communication into a box. Your concentration should not be averted because of these devices. If this trip was to end successfully, then they could not afford any interference from the outside world.

That made sense. And it didn't bother you. Who would text you anyway? You were not in contact with anyone.That's why you didn't mind turning off your phone and putting it in the box. If the leader thought it would be better for you, he was probably right.

After all the devices were collected, everyone headed for the buildings. As they did so, the group split in half, and you had no idea what the requirements were to enter one or the other. At the same time, you wondered if the entry into the other buildings was restricted in some way. You wanted to run into each one and discover its insides. Curiosity stung your neck like a bee, but you pulled yourself together and followed the bigger group into the dormitory. Still, you tried to peer into the windows, hoping to see something, but the interior was far too dark for that.

Once inside, you stood uncertainly at the doorstep. You didn't know where you could get comfortable, and you didn't dare ask. Even though you probably wouldn't have gotten a word out as invisible claws squeezed your throat shut. Your gaze darted quickly back and forth. Everyone seemed to have a fixed place. You knew it, you shouldn't have come here. You didn't belong and never would. Your hand went to your throat, and your fingers scratched at the skin there. You hated this feeling. But you couldn't help it either, no one knew you, let alone liked you. You wanted to get away from this place as soon as possible.

But before you could just run out of the building, a girl beckoned you over. With slow steps you approached her. Wondering what she wanted to say. But she didn't say anything, rather showed you a free bed, which was at the end of the room. Was this one for newcomers? Or was it simply empty? Before you could ask that question, the girl was back at her bedside, too far away. You probably wouldn't find out now. Not that it would have made any difference. So you just smiled at the girl as she looked back at you. Then you followed the others and packed your most important things into the chest at the end of the bed. There was no lock, so you hoped you could trust these strangers. After all, you had no other choice. Then you sat down on the bed, not knowing what to do. The time between now and dinner was probably a break for everyone. The people talked to each other in a gentle tone instead of leaving the cabin again. Everyone seemed to know each other already and you wondered if you should introduce yourself to a group. But just the thought of it made your jaw tighten and your teeth grind. You were afraid of people's disgusted looks or their nose wrinkling. You preferred to be alone by choice rather than excluded. Even if you fervently wished someone would approach you first. But you knew that probability was slim, equal to impossible. You shook your head slightly and crossed your arms. Wondering why you still had those hopes in the first place.

You were about to drop backwards onto the bed, but the leader called to you from the door. Your heart sped up and you felt the need to immediately run outside. But you also didn't want to make a bad impression or disappoint him. So you left the building with slow and calculated steps and followed the leader into his office. The door closed behind you and suddenly you found it hard to breathe at the mere sight of him. So you sat down eagerly when he instructed you to do so.Then he handed you a bowl of candy, one of which you placed on your tongue if only to do what he wanted you to. Your eyes landed on anything but always returned to his face. But for some reason, the atmosphere differed from the one you had experienced on the way here. So you just kept silent and waited for him to address you first.

"I'm disappointed in you."

All your muscles froze on the spot. You didn't remember doing anything. What could have triggered that reaction? Did you make a bad first impression? This thought constricted your throat and you didn't dare say anything. Not even an apology crossed your lips.

But then he continued talking, and even though you wanted to just flee the room, you listened to him. He told you that he understood your situation, but it was no excuse for your behavior.You should have read the rules.

You frowned at this lecture. You didn't remember breaking any rule. Was it perhaps because of the formation? Because you didn't know where to stand? But you had not heard or read anything about it. Where would you have gotten that information? But he was right. It was your fault. After all, you should have asked. Therefore, you apologized in a croaky voice. At these words, the leader nodded, seeming more satisfied than understanding. Nevertheless, he leaned forward to put a hand on your shoulder. You did not like that. The warmth of his skin was something you should gain, something akin to a reward, yet here you are, enjoying it despite this.

"I’m just here to help you. This is all for your own good."

That was his promise to you, belonging and help. As the words slowly swam through your skull, you definitely felt calmer. It was true. He was only trying to help you, there was nothing to worry about. You felt warm with joy at his attention towards you. Someone was taking care of you! Your head seemed to become light. All at once the disappointment of the leader was forgotten and you had to grin to yourself. Only one thought filled your head: he wanted your best!

You didn't even realize that you were still being punished. At that moment, everything was fine with you. Your body felt like clouds and your fingers were tingling. Without understanding a word, you gave your consent to whatever task he gave you with a nod. How beautiful everything was right now.

You didn't realize you were dismissed until the leader escorted you to the door with his hand on your shoulder. With a final grin, you trundled back toward the dorm on wobbly legs. Your vision seemed to flutter and you had to hold onto the wall to keep from tripping over your own feet. You should have thought something of it, but at the moment your body felt pleasantly warm and all sounds were muffled. You had to pull yourself together to avoid attracting attention. After the situation, you didn't want him to change his mind too much. But something inside you claimed he would never be disappointed with you, he liked you, truly. However, how long would your mistakes be considered a rookie mistake?

No. You shook your head and almost fell over. You couldn't break any more rules.So, you made your way back to your assigned place. But before you even got to the building, someone gently grabbed you by the shoulder.With a silent protest, you swayed and turned around to face a woman. She apologized for having startled you, for having forgotten you. Forgotten for what? But instead of answering your questioning look, a hand was held out to you. With a trembling hand you grabbed it and let yourself be led out of the building. The woman's skin was soft and the touch did not bother you, unlike many others.

But it couldn't be that it was already time for dinner, could it? Your question was answered when you stepped into a meadow instead and walked through the grass. The walk seemed to be a bit longer, because the woman opened up a little conversation with you. Asked you how you liked it so far and how you were getting along. The grass of the meadow tickled your ankles and you felt as if you had been here before. But when you had to dodge a bush, you denied the thought. After all, this was your first trip to this place.

After a while under the evening sun, they finally arrived. For what, actually? All you caught sight of was a line of people. You wanted to run forward, stretching to see what was happening there. But you were nefariously pulled to the end of the line because the woman had not let go of your hand. Only when you had your hand back to yourself did you gather your courage and ask the kind woman why they were all standing in line. She answered with a gentle smile and a single sentence:

"It's a tradition.Everyone is supposed to show how selfless they can be."

These words only raised more questions. However, you let your thoughts rest with the answer and simply thanked the woman. This one seemed to know just like everyone else what was going on. You tried to see what was happening with each step forward. Your head swung from side to side to get a glimpse of the situation. But your attempts were unsuccessful. That meant you would have to wait for your own turn. Still, you wondered where they went then, since you didn't see anyone walking back.

Finally it was your turn. In the middle of the meadow was a lonely chair full of moss. Around it were towers of smaller stones, forming a circle. Someone tapped their fingers invitingly against the large backrest. Hopefully this chair would not collapse under you. Hesitantly, you sat down, but did not shift your weight completely onto the wood beneath you. The people around you motioned for you to roll up your sleeve, which you did without argument. Secretly, you continued to hope for an explanation, but it didn't seem to be coming. Instead, noise-proof headphones were slipped over your ears, from which music flowed. If you concentrated, however, you could hear the murmuring sounds in the background. But you felt a fatigue that made it difficult for you to resist. Still, you noticed your arms being pinned to the armrests until you could no longer move them. You wanted to protest, but your tongue felt far too soft, like it was about to slip out of your mouth. You only managed a frown to show your feelings. At first you let these things happen to you, but when a syringe was unwrapped from a plastic bag, you began to shake your head. You didn't know what these people were going to do with the syringe, but you didn't feel the need to find out either. Someone seemed to recognize your distress and began stroking your neck with their fingers. This motion did not help you calm down, but distracted you enough to not stir for a moment. At that instance, they jabbed you in the crook of your arm with the needle. Your gaze fixed on the syringe as it filled up. The tension in your body made it painful to draw blood.

Only when the vessel had filled completely with blood were the headphones and restraints removed. With a jerk you stood up and moved a few steps away from the chair. Then you demanded an explanation in a trembling voice. The blood was still flowing in drops down your arm, but you didn't care. Someone apologized and said they thought you already knew about the procedure. Just having blood drawn, for some reason. If they thought you knew about the whole thing, then surely they didn't have to chain you up. Still, you nodded, as if showing understanding. You were handed another candy before being escorted in a different direction than the one you had come from.

There, the next activity was to take place as a group, as there was still plenty of time before dinner. So, you set off without argument until you stopped in front of a pond. The whole place could have been out of a fairy tale if there were no garlic hanging from the branches of the trees. You wondered what they were placed here for. But you questioned nothing and sat down at a free table to join a group. After all, it was none of your business as long as these things promoted the welfare of you and others.

By the time you sat down, no one else joined. It seemed that you were the last, except for the missing leader. Even though he had been missing from the last activity too.

But the wait was not spent in complete silence and the mood lapsed into relaxed conversation. Everyone was sharing stories about their lives. At first, you didn't really plan to participate in any, but the girl from earlier found you and pulled you into a conversation. They talked about whether they could fulfill their goals at the end of the trip. Since you assumed they all had goals similar to yours, you agreed to the discussion. Then the conversation went in a completely different direction.

It took a while for him to arrive at the meeting. With his appearance, congratulations and laughter were exchanged. Were they congratulated because of the successful activity? This group was strengthened as a community in several ways thanks to this social time. People's eyes darted back and forth between themselves and the garlic above their heads.

The leader then got up on a podium to look over everyone. Then he began to murmur some words that were unfamiliar to you. Was it a song? The chant hummed throughout the group and you shivered. Your back went cold and you looked around. Everyone's eyes were fixed on the taller person in front of them. As if there had been an agreement, they all raised their hands above their faces and formed a sign in front of it, their fingers intertwined. This one seemed familiar to you, as goosebumps formed on the back of your neck and you had to swallow hard to keep your mind from wandering. You didn't want to stand out, didn't want to disappoint anyone, so you copied the gesture from a seatmate.

The moment you put your hands in front of your face, everyone fell to their knees with a jerk. With a faltering breath, you also let yourself slide out of the seat. Even though your fingers restricted your vision, you recognized how he swung his arm around in a sweeping motion and everyone sat back down as if on command.

Hands were separated again and gazes locked on the leader without blinking. An eerie silence settled over the clearing. One could feel the tension in the muscles of the others. They didn't even dare to breathe, afraid it would be too loud. Only a deep breath from the leader could be heard.

"My dear companions in this finite life, We are fortunate to be gathered here again.Together. Many who walk this earth with us do not know of the possibilities. The opportunities that have now opened up to us.

Everyone has the potential to take advantage of this opportunity to contribute something greater to our society.

In the past, I could only rely on myself.The people around me didn't understand my thoughts.This led society to unconsciously prepare me to be alone. Alone, as we all were!

But that is not how people should live. We should exist in each other's arms. We fight for each other, for being together.

We must not let society put us in a box. Everyone deserves independence, yes, but also charity, an infinite life.

What good is independence if you are alone for all eternity? None of us wants to be alone and we will find a solution. A solution of how we can hold hands forever.

Each of us came to this place emaciated from the withdrawal of love, of kindness. Oh yes, I remember each person's arrival, hold it in my heart as a warning. As a warning of what this world will do to us.

But don't worry, friends, we are fortunate enough to form our own society. A society that will be enlivened and loved by us until the end of time.

Be full of gratitude, be full of hope. For this weekend will belong to us and our purpose."

Your heart seemed to have longed for these words, for it understood everything without faltering. You almost had tears of joy; these people really understood what was going on inside you. At last you belonged in a place without prejudice, only with goodwill. You wanted to show your gratitude, with great signs and deeds, but for now you just clapped as loud as you could with the others. You would reach your goal, everyone would reach their goals. And you could even be helpful to the others.The next few days were full of possibilities and you would not let a single one slip from your fingers, from your heart.

After the applause stopped, it was time for dinner. No one seemed to be in a hurry and everyone strolled leisurely toward the dining hall. The excitement after the speech filled the air and intensified with each breath. Your body was still humming as well and you couldn't help the smile on your face. Everyone seemed to feel the same way, as they grinned at your, at each other, sometimes even linking their arms together. Slowly but surely, joy settled in your bones and grounded you like never before. You knew with certainty that the next few days would be the best of your life. Because being around people who were fighting for the same thing had a healing, calming effect.

With a warm feeling in your stomach, you entered the dining room. This time you knew exactly where you belonged and at which table to sit. With that certainty, you made your way toward the table that was furthest away from the leaders table. If you wanted to work your way up, you had to show yourself worthy. You had to make a big contribution to society in order to get up there as quickly as possible. While you still had no idea how to go about it, you knew you could do it. No matter what you would have to do to get there.

With a soft noise, you dropped into the chair and smiled at the others around the table. You didn't know anyone, as the only person you truly knew, and desired to be in the presence, sat at the front. You deserved it, but you would all too like to know what you had done to get closer to him. Money probably played a role too, but you were still a student, you owned next to nothing. No assets.Nothing valuable. That meant you just had to do the best work you had ever done in your life. Maybe you could help out a little in the kitchen, that might earn you some points. You wondered if you were allowed to do more, to serve him directly, in any way you could. You would ask that first thing in the morning.

The meal was dished up. It consisted of pies. With great joy you wanted to grab a piece, but you held back at the very last moment. Your eyes darted to the leader who had not yet touched his food. Then he opened the meal by handing the one serving him a pie to bite into. Only then did you grab a piece as well and let your teeth sink into the dough. The salty filling flowed with pleasure over your tongue and you closed your eyes. A metallic taste lurked in the back of your throat, but you felt too hungry to deal with the aftertaste. Still, you noticed that the pie was starting to drip from the other side. With your free hand, you caught a few drops. These shimmered dark red on your skin. All at once, the aftertaste became much more prominent and you could no longer taste anything else. Where did this blood come from? Was the filling raw meat? No, it tasted too good for that. Your eyes twitched left and right, looking for a reaction from the others. But no one seemed to notice anything. So you swallowed the mass without a word.

Your hand reached for the cup to your right to rid yourself of the taste. But the red color stung your eyes. Was this wine? Was it allowed to serve such a thing at such an event? You sniffed it. The smell was fruity, bitter. Was it supposed to smell like that? You didn't know, but took a sip anyway and let it flow into your mouth. It was just grape juice. A strangely bitter one, but grape juice, no doubt. The taste was familiar to you. Was the leader's tea made from the same grapes? You would have to check to see if anything was planted here. Then you put a hand on the edge of the plate to push it away from you. But before you could do that, a bright scream rang out from the front tables.

He had thrown a glass at some poor guy's head. The glass shattered over his skull and the flowing blood caused a reaction from the crowd. Only for a moment, though. They reacted more to the leader's tirade. At first, someone close by tried to calm him down and handle the situation with a cool head, but the leader's violence did not allow them to act. His words were meant to be instructive, and slowly insults began to flow in. These were harsh and would have probably hit anyone deep in the soul.

After blowing off all his steam, he could finally be calmed down. But after the situation, he didn't want to appreciate or acknowledge the person. You couldn't see it that well from where you were sitting, but the ground was swimming in the man's blood. Was no one going to help him with his wound? Everyone continued their meal as if nothing had happened. No reactions, no protests. Understandable. After all, they would have the chance to take his place when he disappeared. No one wanted to miss that chance. You watched as the man was grabbed by the arms by his seatmates and dragged out of the hall; leaving a red trail behind him. With unobtrusive movements, as if you had never stopped, you began to eat again. With each bite, the taste became more persistent and the juice didn't manage to cover it either towards the end.

After a while a bell sounded and everyone dropped everything from their hands. With a jerk they stood up, whether one had finished eating or not. When the leader was finished, then further eating was not allowed.

People formed a line to the dish rack to wash their silverware. With each step, you followed the others to familiarize yourself with the group's habits. Still, you wondered why people then went back to the rooms. You felt it was much too early to go back to sleep. But you seemed to be wrong about that, because after a few minutes you were lying in your bed, among the other people in a darkened dorm. You didn't think you would be so tired, but something made your head feel heavier and you couldn't help but fall asleep.

[evans-heaven]

Scene ; Joseph Quinn

Leave it to me to see one comment asking for a full fic based on one of my Moments drabbles and actually write that shit 😭 I've been working on this piece for weeks and I'm pretty happy with how I left it so here it is for your reading pleasure ;)

Before we start, a couple of things:

This is pre-Feelings (tho reader is very much in love here but doesn't realize it)

The death scene is from the POV of Stacey, your character, and is mostly my dialogue bc i tried watching the actual clip and got less than 10 seconds in before i started crying 🙃 so I'm not gonna torture myself like that y'all sorry lol

Reader is portrayed as having anxiety and overthinks a lot, kinda like in Feelings. I write her like this bc that's pretty much how I am in real life about my own thoughts, feelings, and basically everything else. Aaannnd that's basically it lmao

Pairing: Joseph Quinn x Fem!Actress!Reader

Warnings: Unedited content, strong language, ANGST, description of Eddie's death scene, mentions of blood, mild depictions of anxiety, some fluff, and touching, duh ;)

wc: 3.6k

I already linked the other two fics so read Touch here

Pt 2 here

Prior to this day, you had your assumptions that actors filming a death scene would be pretty tough. 

But, now that you were in a position where you yourself would be at the borderline center of one, ‘tough’ was kind of an understatement. 

‘Tough’ wasn’t nearly a suitable enough word to describe having to cradle your co-star who was covered in prosthetic wounds and fake blood as he sputtered out I love you’s and goodbye’s, and then ‘died’ in your arms. 

Maybe ‘tough’ would be the appropriate term here, if said co-star wasn’t your best fucking friend and the person you were undoubtably closest with on set. Him dying in your arms, even if it was just for the screen, was still an experience that would feel way too real-even if you tried to remind yourself that, at the end of the day, it wasn’t. No matter how true to life it would seem. No matter how damn realistic those wounds looked (why the fuck did Amy and her team have to be so talented?), and no matter how fucking incredible Joe Quinn was at pretending to die. 

The words ‘calm down’ echoed in your head like a broken record all day. They had blended into one, to the point where they were incoherent and didn’t seem to make sense. Thus, they did very little to offer comfort. 

The day had been frustrating, to put it lightly. But, at least you had Joe.

That morning, during your daily-or hourly-sanctioned bear hug, your heartbeat was so strong he practically heard it pulsing in his ears. That alone told him your anxiety would be working double time that day. It was a serious pain in the agss sometimes.

You and Joe had always been attached at the hip over the last year and some, always hanging off of each other in some way or another. And today, it was with good reason attached to it-not that (consensual) physical touch ever had to have a purpose other than wanting to be close. Having that gentle contact, even if it was just a hand on your shoulder-was more than enough to ground you and halt the overactive thoughts-even if for a couple of minutes.

Although he’d say he was only trying to comfort you, it was obvious your embraces and touches held mutual benefit. Just as he was able to sense your anxiety, you could sense his. The sweaty palms when your fingers laced together during breakfast and lunch weren’t from you, nor were the goosebumps you felt against your collarbones when he held you from behind after you got your makeup done for the scene. This showed you that, despite acting his ass off during rehearsals, it didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous.

But, in typical heartthrob-from-a-90s-novel-written-by-a-woman fashion, all his energy was put into making you feel better, comforted, and assured that everything would be okay. Even if he had no idea what the true driving force was behind your anxiousness.

You couldn’t have asked for a better on screen boyfriend. Stacey Miller-Rhodes was a damn lucky gal. Well, up until her boyfriend got chunks of his flesh ripped from his body by demobats. Meaning he died. Meaning Eddie was gone.

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

A sharp knock on your trailer door interrupted your useless mantra, as you jolted, just a little, before giving permission for whoever to enter.

In walked Matt and Ross, warm smiles on their faces. It didn’t do much to ease you, because you knew why they were here. 

“Hey, Y/N, you ready?” Ross asked. Matt stood by the door keeping it open, since it was time to go. 

You nodded. “Yep,” your voice was even, masking the heavy feeling in your throat. You were not ready.

“Figured we’d come get you ourselves, Joe’s busy with makeup on set, for, you know-”

“I know. Thanks,” you said quickly, cutting Matt off. “Let’s get going, then,” you said, standing up and walking past Matt, exiting your trailer. You heard the door shut softly and their footsteps following behind you.

You were being short with them, but that was because you really only wanted Joe at this moment. Unfortunately, he was currently being ‘deadified’ on set, which is where you were now headed. You two had a little cuddle session in your trailer, where he held you tight and layed kiss after kiss on your forehead, cooing that it would be okay and that you would both be fine. After that, he had to go to the makeup trailer to get his prosthetic wounds applied. The process had taken hours, and then he had to film the scene where Eddie actually got attacked by the bats. This meant it had been a while since you saw him last. So, his mamed and mangled appearance awaited you, when the last time you saw him, he was totally unharmed and at ease.

You entered the building, in which there were only a chosen few people. It was a closed set, just you, Joe, and the necessary crew members. The Duffers believed that because a death scene with a couple was so intimate, you and Joe were the only actors that should be on set. 

That, you were thankful for. You were your best self when it was just you and Joe, so you could be your best ‘acting self’, when it was just the two of you as well.

Your eyes were immediately drawn to the ‘Upside Down’, a set made to look like the particular spot in the alternate universe where everything would go down. It was tinted blue and almost sent a chill down your spine to look at, from how cold uninviting, and eerie the general vibe of the scenery was. And a little depressing, which was pretty fitting. The backdrop was a blue screen, which would be used to add the background of the setting, to make everything look as real as possible.

You spotted Joe in the middle of the set, the makeup team applying fake blood to his very real looking wounds. 

“C’mon, we wanna talk to you and Joe for a second before we start,” Matt told you, and as much as that made sense, you wished Joe was more than just a few feet away so you could prepare a little more for seeing him….like that, outside of the context of the scene. 

“Okay,” you said as you three began walking towards him just as makeup finished up their job. When you got to him, you felt yourself tense up at his appearance as you lingered back, just a little bit. He stood awkwardly with his arms slightly hovering away from his body, clearly not wanting to disrupt the fake damage. You could tell from the sight before you that with how much fake blood the team used, those demobats would really do a number on Eddie.

You hated those little CGI bastards.

“Hey,” Joe said, gaining your attention, though his tone was light. You met his eyes, narrowly avoiding the blood streaking the lower half of his face.

“Hi,” you said back, feeling just a little bit of air release from your lungs, not even remembering when you took a breath in. You wanted to make a sarcastic quip to lighten the mood, but words failed you. You didn’t really feel like being funny right now.

“So, you guys remember how the scene goes, Eddie just sacrificed himself and got attacked by the bats, and Stacey runs up to him afterward and sees his body laying there, barely alive, covered in blood and wounds,” Matt began.

You curled your lips in and nodded stiffly, feeling the slightest of shocks run through your body. Calm down.

“I know you two are gonna kill this scene,” Matt continued. “No one understands or could have brought to life Eddie and Stacey better than the two of you,” he said warmly, clamping hands down on both your shoulders. Yours was tense under his touch and Stacey’s clothing.

You had to admit, though, he was right. You had a lot of input into Stacey’s character, taking her from Eddie’s shy girlfriend who was just a tool to enhance how eccentric he was, to a girl with a backstory and reasons for her reserved nature. Knowing Stacey’s history would make the scene even more gut wrenching to film. A girl raised in a household with a domineering step-father who believed women should be seen and not heard, who made her life a living hell under the watchful eye of her mother who did nothing to stop it. Upon turning 18 she left him and his toxicity behind, but carried the burden of years of being forced to subdue herself. Eddie got her to open up to him, but she still carried herself quietly around others. The fear of judgment was damaging.

Because of how much you put into Stacey and the influence you had on her storyline, you knew none of your nervousness had to do with how you’d perform in the scene. You were confident in your abilities as an actress and knew you could carry this scene with the help of Joe perfectly. 

“Thanks, guys, that means a lot,” you said to them, gripping the moto jacket you wore, canonically taken by Stacey from Eddie’s closet. 

“Yeah, truly, we’ve come a long way from me thinking I would completely ruin the show,” Joe chuckled, the smile on his face juxtaposed by the blood caking it. It was actually kind of off putting.

“Alright, well, let’s get this show on the road!” Mat clapped his hands and walked with his brother offset.

More like let’s get this over with. You were about to walk off to get in your spot, when Joe grabbed your hand gently, stopping you. You turned to face him, brows raised expectantly.

“You good?” he asked.

Deciding to keep this short and sweet, you settled for a quick nod, and a soft ‘yeah’. Satisfied, he released your hand so you could go to your place, just as one of the Duffers yelled “Places!” 

When you got to your mark, you looked over to Joe one more time, who was already looking your way. You could feel the intensity of his stare from where you stood, those gorgeous brown eyes and the way they sparkled no matter the lighting or setting. He gave you a smile, and you returned one, unable to ever not do so. It managed to give you a new found confidence you lacked just seconds prior. He took his position on the ground, and then, it was time.

There was no turning back once it began. Unless you swiveled on your heels and ran in the opposite direction, which was tempting. 

Once it happened, everything you were worried about could become a possibility to follow suit.

You sucked in an unstable breath and closed your eyes, savoring a final moment of calm before those two little word were uttered-

“And….ACTION!”

You took off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stacey’s heart was ramming against her ribcage the moment she re-entered the upside down, but when she saw her boyfriend lying limp on the cold, wet ground, she swore her legs would give out as her heart seemed to cease in its entirety. 

He had gone back. He wanted to be a hero. He didn’t want to run anymore, but God, she wished he did.

“Eddie!” Stacey called out, voice unstable and legs threatening to give out from underneath her as she sprinted towards him. Somewhere in the corner of her mind that was swarming with fears of what would happen to him, she began to pray to whoever there was that could hear her and help him.

Please let him be okay. Please. Please. Please.

“Ed, babe, oh my God,” Stacey whispered, and fell to her knees before his broken down form. His torso was torn to shreds, his Hellfire shirt almost completely soaked with blood from his wounds. She took hold of him and pulled the upper half of his body into her lap, feeling the red substance begin to seep through her jeans.

The demo bats surrounded the two of them, incapacitated, laying limp on the floor of the upside down-taunting you. Blissfully unaware that they had probably just taken the love of Stacey's life away from her, brutally, with no remorse, as he tried so desperately to be the hero, not the coward he convinced himself he was.

“Ed, are you with me? Can you hear me?” Stacey asked him softly, not wanting to scare him. She brushed his hair from his face and tried to meet his eyes, his gaze unfocused and teary.

Eddie’s voice came out shaky and weak from his blood coated mouth, his cheeks smeared with it. “I did it,” he choked out. “I didn’t run anymore,”

There was no denying he felt some semblance of pride at what he did, and because of that, Stacey couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, though the tension in the noise was palpable. “Yeah, yeah baby, you’re so brave,” she told him.

The proud smile he bore was distorted by a look of pain as he shifted slightly. “It’s bad, isn’t it?” he groaned, in clear discomfort.

One of her hands applied pressure to one of the many wounds that marred his torso as he shivered in her arms. “No, no babe, it’s fine, you're gonna be okay,” she stumbled out, trying to sound as confident in her words as possible, when everything about the situation told her that her words were not the truth. “We just….we just need to get to you to a hospital and everything’s gonna be okay, Ed, don’t worry,”

“No. I think this was it, baby,” he met his girlfriend’s gaze, his jaw trembling as more blood dribbled out the sides of his mouth as he took in barely there, labored breaths. “This was finally my year,”

Stacey choked out helpless cries, caressing his face, and shaking her head. This couldn’t be his year, this couldn’t be the way it ended. He was supposed to finally graduate and the two of them were supposed to get the hell out of Hawkins together, away from all the bullshit media propaganda and pearl clutching PTA moms. They were going to get out of there and be happy together. That was how it was supposed to fucking be, goddammit.

“No,” Stacey gritted.“This isn’t over yet, you’re gonna be okay, Ed,” she nodded stiffly, lips trembling as salty tears flowed into the seam. “We’re just gonna wait a little until the others get here, then we’re gonna carry you out of this hellhole and take you to a hospital, and the doctors there are going to fix you, baby, they’re going to make the bleeding go away, and stitch you up and give you some meds, and then you’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay,” she chanted weakly as her cheeks became soaked with tears. She wanted to speak it into existence, even as reality clawed and fought its way to the front of her mind.

“Baby,” he cooed. He placed a cold hand on hers, the one that still pressed against one of his wounds, gripping it weakly. Always the one who wanted to comfort her, even if he needed it way more in this situation. “I’ve fulfilled my duty as Eddie the Banished, I didn’t run, and I saved the town,” he told her. 

“That town doesn’t deserve your sacrifice, Eddie,” Stacey argued pathetically.

“I saved you,” he stressed, making it known that this act was with only one person at the forefront as motivation, the rest of the town behind her. “And you’re worth it, Stacey. You’re so. Fucking. Worth it,” he said to her, lacing their fingers together, pulling the back of her hand up to his lips, and pressing a bloodied kiss to the cold, dirty skin. 

“I love you so much,” he said as firmly as his shutting down body would let him.

It hurt her to not say those words back, but she knew why he said them, and she didn’t want to accept this as the end.

“Ed, don't you dare say goodbye,” she told him through her tears, trying to sound strong and sure, but it wasn’t possible. “This isn’t the end for you, this isn’t the end for us,” she said.

“Stacey, baby, I want you to listen to me,” Eddie began, the wobble in his voice impossible to ignore now as he tried to raise his head as much as he could, wanting her to truly take in his next words. “When you go back, I want you to go home and pack all of your shit, as much as you can carry, and I want you to get on the next bus out, because you’re gonna leave that shithole Hawkins. You’re gonna tell that place to kiss your ass and you’re gonna run like hell out of there without so much as a single glance back,”

Stacey shook her head, understanding where this was headed, not wanting to hear a word more. “Ed, no-”

“You’re gonna find some place for the both of us, somewhere where the people aren’t shallow minded assholes, where we can be whoever the fuck we want to be with each other, and I want you to live your life everyday as you would have if I was there,’

“Eddie, I can’t-”

“Yes, you can. I don’t want you to cave back into yourself, baby. You’re the most beautiful, brilliant, incredible human being I’ve ever met and everyone deserves to know you and appreciate you as you are. Do you hear me?”His proclamation to her ended with that simple question, and he left no room for argument. 

She absorbed all his words, every letter, every syllable, struggling to accept that the life they wanted to have together, would have to continue on without him. The life she wanted with him would totally and completely absolve her from the one she had growing up. Could she do it? Could she move on?

Those answers remained to be determined, but the one thing she absolutely couldn’t do was argue with him anymore. She just didn’t have it in her to deny him his dying wish, or keep fighting what he had already accepted.

Closing her eyes, more droplets fell, mixing with his blood. She felt herself nodding before she could even consider another response in her mind. “Yeah,” she whispered in a watered down voice. “Yeah, baby, I hear you,” she opened her eyes and met his own once more. 

“Good,” he replied. “Good,” his voice was noticeably more floaty that time.

They fell silent. They just looked into one another’s eyes, exchanging so many words and feelings that would completely consume what little time they had left together. His hand was still laced with hers, pressed against his chest, where she could feel his weakening heart beat.

“I love you so much,” he repeated his words from earlier, breaking the hauntingly peaceful quiet. It was barely above a whisper practically mouthed, but she heard him, loud and clear. And as soon as those words came out, he looked ahead blankly, his eyes slowly beginning to lose the light in them Stacey loved so much.

“Eddie, no, please,” she gritted, tears dripping from her eyes uncontrollably. “Stay with me, baby, please,” she pleaded urgently, brushing more of his damp hair out of the way and patting his cheek lightly, trying to get him to remain alert….alive. She just wanted one more moment with him. Just one. 

But then, she felt it.

His body stilled.

His grip on her hand went limp.

His eyes lost any life left in them.

“Eddie,” she whimpered, hand remaining on his cheek. Her body shook uncontrollably as she let the tears fall freely onto him, her agony and pain taking over as she held his lifeless form close to hers. She repeated his name through her cries, trying to wake him, trying to make this nightmare end. She leaned down and pressed her forehead to his, wanting to feel him as close as possible, for what was the very last time.

“I love you, too,” Stacey whispered, her lips touching the skin between his eyebrows. If those words meant anything anymore, she wanted it to be at this moment. 

Because she truthfully didn’t know when-or if- she would ever say them again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“CUT!”

It was like a switch went off in you, as reality made its presence known once more. 

The scene was done, the Duffers yelled cut, it was over.

However, the moment fully sank in when Joe rose up and took your hands in his, pulling you upright and bringing you into a warm embrace. You didn’t care about the fake blood that would get all over your front or the fact that his back was soggy and caked with damp dirt, you threw your arms around him and held on tightly, rivaling the hold he had on you.

“You did so incredible, babes, I’m so proud of you,” he whispered in your ear, his long fingers running up and down your sides lightly, almost tickling, but you reveled in it and his touch. You closed your eyes blissfully as you came down from your high, feeling the tears drying on your face, thankful makeup used waterproof eye makeup. 

“Yeah, you too,” you said back for his ears only, as the Duffers and the rest of the crew approached you both. You let each other go, though his arm remained on the small of your back, as everyone began delivering their praise. The voices became so jumbled you could barely register who said what. So, you just smiled and nodded and gave your gratitude along with Joe, whose hand rubbed soothing circles against your waist.

Now, to face reality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 2 where Joe and reader discuss why she was so nervous coming Saturday 🥰 it was originally part of this fic, but it was getting way too damn long, so a split was needed lol. Stay tuned Joe girlies 😘

[realmermaid333]

my first autism awareness month post lol (im so late)

For this autism awareness month I want to talk about the more I guess "taboo" part of autism acceptance and the Autistic Experience TM

People say they support people with autism until an autistic person makes a social mistake and says something weird or stims in an "odd" way or does literally anything "strange". As soon as we unmask or the mask slips people no longer want to support us. 

I see this a lot with social mistakes being made then people being extremely judgmental and even going as far as saying people are using autism as an excuse to make social mistakes. While this has happened before, it isn’t always the case.

A big reason why we need autism awareness is people don't fully understand what autism is. 

I'll give a simplified definition: Autism is a developmental disability that impacts the nervous system. It impacts social and emotional development and common symptoms are difficulty with communication and social interaction, obsessive interests, and repetitive behaviors. 

There's more to it but that's the gist. Autistic people misinterpret social cues pretty often and that can lead to small miscommunications or even huge misunderstandings. Some people with autism struggle to tell when someone's joking, some autistic people struggle to tell when a joke or comment is appropriate, some autistic people struggle to tell if they are arguing with someone, some autistic people can't tell they are hurting people's feelings unless they are told. 

We are a wide spectrum. There are varying levels: level 1 (generally low support needs on most days/for most people), level 2 (generally medium support needs on most days/for most people), and level 3 (generally high support needs on most days/for most people). 

I find that a lot of the time when people are introduced to the topic of autism it is from a level 1, low support needs autist who is great at masking. While those people deserve and need platforms too- I myself am a level 1 with lower support needs, though I am not very good at masking- we often ignore the level 2 and 3 autistics and those who are visibly autistic.

There may be a time when an autistic person says something that makes you upset or uncomfortable and you need to communicate that. Not everyone can tell they said something that made someone uncomfortable. I think we would all also benefit from being less judgemental when someone makes a social mistake. All humans make them from time to time, though especially autistic people and other neurodivergent people do. 

I am also tired of people saying that mentioning you’re autistic after accidentally saying something that makes someone uncomfortable is using it as an excuse. It is not an excuse and shouldn’t be used as one! But it is an explanation. Understanding that someone is autistic is really good background to knowing why they may have said something. An autistic person may share they are autistic after a misunderstanding so you know it wasn't intentional and that they understand now and hope to avoid the same thing in the future. 

As a lot of ya’ll are my friends, and I may be one of the only autistic people you are friends with, though only online. I want to tell you about my own social mistakes. I come across much more neurotypical online because I can overthink what I say lol. And most of the time it isn't healthy. I am so anxiously self aware to the point of self sabotage sometimes. When I am in online spaces I overthink what I'm going to say and sometimes edit and revise messages before I send them (I am trying to stop doing this). This is how I tend to avoid misunderstandings! I do get scared I'll mess up and people won't want to talk to me anymore. I shouldn't do that! But yeah, irl I have accidentally said things that people didn't like. I've accidentally made people uncomfortable because I couldn't edit and revise my words after I said them like I can when I type before sending. 

This is an easy thing to do in general even for someone who isn't autistic! We've all done something like this before. But when you're autistic and you may miss the context of jokes others were making or you may entirely misread a social situation. Then you try to join in and sometimes it doesn't work or you fuck up. It happens! I've done this before many times. And unfortunately people tend to be really judgmental about social mistakes, at least in my experience. It makes being autistic really hard sometimes. 

And this does not mean that you shouldn't tell an autistic person they've made you uncomfortable or said something you didn't like! That kind of constructive criticism is okay and necessary! People won't know you're upset if you keep it to yourself, especially if this is a person who reads social cues and body language poorly. This post isn't to excuse something negative an autistic person may say or say your feelings are invalid if an autistic person makes you upset. It's just to hopefully help people be more understanding. 

i don’t wanna type a tldr, just read/skim i guess. but here’s a crappy one. 

Social mistakes are a huge thing for autistic people and it just saddens me and makes me self conscious sometimes the harsh ways people deal with them. it can be really easy to make a social mistake for most people, but especially for autistic people, and especially in online spaces. 

prepare for more of my rants & musings about autism related things

[umepnnn]

3DOLC x ROE — results.

challenge created by @starliet and @cleostoohot 🖤

sorry (and not sorry) for the long hiatus cuz i'm enjoying life :)

so a few days ago i came across several posts about their challenge and i decided to try it out ! i didn't plan to post or anything so there wasn't a "what i'll be manifesting" post, but the results were so insane i had too make one.

ଓ affirmations i used:

regardless of everything...

nothing can ruin my manifestations

i always manifest within 3 days or less

i have everything i desire

ଓ what i manifested:

always confident and friendly, good at socializing

that's exactly what i did. i feel like a social butterfly at school and it's easier for me to join in convos now. making friends and having small talk just became easier for me. and i don't overthink so much anymore

being more included in my friend groups

i have a group i hang out with at uni for like 4-5 months now but i wasn't rlly active until this challenge LMAO now i'm like so comfortable with everyone and felt more like a part of the group. it also went like this with my other friend groups that i just started hanging out since this year. i actually speak to people individually now woah :)

getting closer with an SP

idk i thought this guy was cute so i just included this and at first the situation was: he's close with my friends but he's not in any of my friend groups so we don't hang much at all. but then after 2-3 days since this challenge, our mutual friend suddenly ADDED HIM into the group out of the blue and we all started going out and he is SUCH A GENTLEMAN to me + he added my socials as well hehe

school is fun, assignments are easy & no stress

literally came to school to chit chat and i'm not stressed at all. i get my work done on time and everything goes so smooth fr. and the best part is my classmates are the sweetest ugh SCHOOL IS FUN (they are the uni friend group i just mentioned up there) and they'd always gather around my seat lol and we'd chat the whole class.

bright smooth clear skin

same skin care routine – skin clearer than ever. no longer uneven dark spots or small little bumps <3 smooth like a baby's bottom :) my mom actually thought i was wearing makeup when i literally just washed my face n removed all the makeup !!

no dark circles

i slept like usual but my dark circles rlly went away since this challenge i'm actually surprised (even tho it should go away cuz it's the law lmao) and usually they'd still show when i have my makeup on but now it's wayyy less noticeable

friends from other countries coming to mine so we could hang out

just went out with one the other day lmao so check ✔️ i guess

everyone cares about me and is very nice to me

yoo my friends were so patient and attentive to me and even the taxi drivers are nice, they'd start convos and not in a creepy way. everyone is so nice for real <333

ଓ what i did:

i just read the list and affirm whenever i can, mostly focused on the 4D and know it's inevitable that they'd manifest <3 cuz it's already mine the moment i think i have it. and honestly the "nothing can ruin my manifestations" line helped me a lot.

other than that i did nothing in the 3D. i never initiated anything. they all just came to me just ✨ like ✨ that ✨

i got most of my desires within 3 days but i still continued affirming after 3 days cuz like why not? it's like i'm doing the challenge again or sum but yes i still get desired results after that.

btw i also listened to quite a few subliminals alongside doing this challenge just because i can xD even for the same desires and like they both manifested but anyways i'll make a separate post on my subliminal results.

© umepnnn 2021 – all rights reserved.

[note from a later date //29 jan 2024]

i have been on a hiatus since then until now, because i was busy with a lot of stuff i didn't have much time to learn and post astrology stuff here ~

i am still busy as ever and i don't plan on coming back here anytime soon (mayyyybee idk) but i still come on tumblr quite often cuz i loveee our astrology & manifesting content

and somehow today i checked my draft and saw this whole post here from three years ago i'm like wuhhh totally forgot.

BUT! everything i said is true fr like the "friends from other countries coming to mine so we could hang out" last year literally TEN of my friends came to my place (they're from 4 different countries) and I even went on trips with some of them — mind u i havnt seen most of them in like 2 years at the time

trust me manifesting is sooo easy just think u have it and u have it

thanks for reading and stay healthy stay safe everyone <3 cya

[inkofamethyst]

March 10, 2024

Sorry but like, I do think I need to live alone I'm so sorry.

I'm by myself in my apartment this week and besides the lack of peer pressure to wash my dishes regularly (and also I have to be really careful to not forget my keys), UGH it's so nice to be ALONE. My roommate is great, seriously, but whew.

I'm coming to learn that some of the most intelligent people are SUPER multi-faceted, and that it's not necessarily a sign of mixed priorities. I've met physics PhDs who were considered for Julliard admission, who would've become a professional musician if they hadn't stumbled into biology, biophysics majors who are also in basically pre-professional music programs.

And this isn't necessarily a totally new concept to me (the majority of students in my undergrad orchestra were stem majors I think), it's just not at all what I expected to find here. It's comforting, though.

One thing I'll say about my python course, the actual computer science of it all is only mildly interesting to me (and also it make my head spin right round baby right round). I feel so bad because now that the lecture hall only manages to bring in a quarter to a third of the class on any give day and I'm right in the line of sight of the prof (but in the back bc I wanted to try something new hehe) so on pure CS days I'm sure I must be giving the blankest stare possible. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I care less. And the class is mostly graded based on products produced and not pure CS knowledge, so I can get by (so far).

Anyway with how political THG is and how uncomfy Suzanne's message can be (I don't want to fully dilute it into a basic battle royale since I am using her world (this could also just be me overthinking, like, what does she care, she's rich)), I'm leaning away from submitting that for my final project. I think I might build it regardless for just my friends then spend some time reskinning it into a dnd-esque dungeon crawl or something. Idk, I'll get my friends to beta test and see what they think. (This might just be me overthinking though, like,,, the class must have over 200 kids,,,, there's no way the teaching staff is going to spend time running everyone's programs outside of watching the video submissions lol. They're probably far more concerned with the techniques I'm using in the backend than the content of the frontend.)

Is wearing bright red lipstick to Target attention-seeking behavior? Well, yes, but I got the attention I was seeking because a girl told me she thought it was my perfect shade :)

Today I'm thankful for girls supporting girls! Women supporting women!! I've encountered an uptick in small tiktok accounts posting ootds and I LOVE being the first or one of the first comments to cheer them on, and I always give them a detail that caught my eye. I'm really loving seeing fashion from real people in my media. Also also! Lots of young women are talking openly about finances and how to get ahead and what intro positions really look like, and it's just lovely.

[elstreem]

Something that has been on my mind ever since Servant Summer Camp was available to play, was a bit of continuity writing with regards to Bedivere. ....but as usual I forgot to write about it until the rerun lol. i am a little less sad now so i'll post this while i can

So the summer camp is all themed around the idea of death and horror courtesy of Xu Fu's killing mask, right? The idea of dying was so strong, even Servants get affected by it within the Singularity.

It was enough to make even Brynhild and Sigurd mention that they acutely felt afraid of dying after meeting Xu Fu.

Now, when the event ends and we're shown various scenes in Chaldea of Servants catching up on what happened, there is a conversation wherein Gareth asks Mordred, Lancelot, Gawain and Tristan what happened. Bedivere is very conspicuously absent during that conversation...

...though we got this hilarious moment revealing that Gawain, Lancelot and Tristan were all utterly useless after either being claimed by Sessyoin's illusions or dying (poor Tristan, but it lines up with the fact that his Luck rank is E!)

So where was Bedivere?

Well, since the theme of the Singularity was a fear of death, it made sense that he didn't go.

Because, as Merlin put it in the flashback at the end of Chapter 6:

Bedivere also said it directly:

Though he does clear up that what he was most afraid of was a meaningless existence rather than the actual dying aspect, but even so, a part of Bedivere's character in Camelot 6 was that he was afraid of facing his end.

Maybe it's just me overthinking things, but I though that was a neat piece of continuity, that Bedivere was absent in the Servant Summer Camp likely because it would have been a very bad choice for him to go to the camp.

...though seeing as what happened to Gawain, Lancelot, Tristan and Mordred, he probably would have been a bit more helpful lol.

Lancelot tries to save them face by giving this cool little speech though.

But I headcanon that while this dialogue was going on, Bedivere is quietly waiting (and seething) in the background ready to give them a scolding of their lifetimes for not doing their jobs right haha.

[acetechne]

Condensed Milk - A Dirty Money Comic pt 12

[part 1] [part 2] [part 3] [part 4] [part 5] [part 6] [part 7] [part 8] [part 9] [part 10] epilogue: [part 11] [ x ] [part 13] [part 14] [part 15]

I DIDN’t FORGET I DIDN’T and there’s at least one more page and its like 75% scripted... okay.

I’ve been stressed for reasons both in and out of my control and now i am less stressed so I am drawing this again :D

what is there to say about the page........ blue sky bertie strikes back. or he would be striking back if i drew him as much as i do poor little meow meow bertie.. but anyway, enjoy!

Notes as i think of them below

- as i mentioned bertie is perfectly capable of being friendly and charming and hospitable, its just my fault for enjoying drawing him as a brat the most. despite being his VA i actually overthink how to write his dialogue sometimes- I tend to think of an Alberta Accent (tm) - to some degree including my own - is kind of terse. I feel it would be weird for him to speak in too many complete sentences in a row, lol, and even when he’s being polite he’s a little choosy/stingy with his words.

- I also think he has a very particular mental idea of what he Means that it’s your fault if you didn’t understand, i.e. he Means whale watching in either ocean is a Different Experience but not realizing what he is implying is that one is Better. He may be economical with his words but it doesn’t mean he puts thought into them lol.

- I think Annie struggles between projecting someone who is polite and very aware of decorum (hence ben bringing out the nice cups and saucers) and also being hot tempered, nosy, and bossy, lol.

- Song Ben is singing is Up All Night by Derina Harvey Band

- forget if i mentioned, the flower on the cups is the pitcher plant (provincial flower of Newfoundland) and the panel where Bertie is dunking his shortbread features wild roses. the rest are just decorative flowers.

- he gives a damn about whales because ben took him to Between Breaths and made him cry

- forgot to put milk on the coffee table OH WELL!!!!!!!!!!!

[kreauxlighe]

20 questions for writers!

i got tagged by @mangatxt forever ago and have kept meaning to come back to this so here we are! i'm gonna tag @northisnotup and @sleepdepravity! no pressure of course tho! i took like.. a month to get to this lol

answers below the cuuuuut

How many works do you have on AO3? 37!

What's your total AO3 word count? 355,420

What fandoms do you write for? mp100 & good omens! (I choose to believe I will go back to those gomens fics..)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? I'm gonna cheat and separate these by fandom but i'll do the top 3 instead as a compromise Good Omens: - Forever Is Composed of Nows (1.7k holyshit) - The God Below (723) - File Corrupted (686) MP100 - Study Session (NSFW!) (186) - Inventory Updated (NSFW!) (145) - Reigen 1/2 (143) tbh i think looking at a fic's hits & bookmarks are more indicative of their popularity. a fic could have 10 kudos and like hundreds of hits. ppl keep coming back to that one for a reason yknow? (i know this is skewed by like multipchaps and stuff but idk, something i think about)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I try to! I try to respond to every comment, even if it's just a 'thanks so much' cause i really do appreciate them all! sometimes I get behind or feel guilty about not having updated or like, feel guilty that i left a longer response to someone else. I just overthink it a lot really lol

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? oooo I think all my fics have happy endings? there's a lot of angst between and pain but the ending tends to be happy! altho i do have plans for a mcd mp100 fic and i'm not sure how that one will end.. probably happy but considering the mcd maybe more.. bittersweet? iunno! I guess of my currently published ones the angstiest ending is this Castlevania drabble! It's .. several years old now and probably not very good but hey, growth!

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? ohgosh uuuuhhh probably The God Below?? They all have happy endings but I think that one feels maybe the most rewarding because (at least for me) for a long time it didnt really seem possible FOR it to end happy. Very much how are they gonna get out of this? And not only do they get out of it but there's some surprise happiness too!

Do you get hate on fics? thankfully no and pls i hope it stays that way i am. so smol. i WILL cry that being said i am a HUGE supporter of like, ppl should be allowed to say 'i dont like this / this thing sucks' just like, not in my comments lol take it to discord or groupchats or wherever, cause i do think readers should be able and allowed to have space to complain about a thing (whether that's Actual Critique or just full on bashing). just dont do it direclty in front of my salad me plsthanks

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? so much smut. sooo much smut. its kind of funny basically all of my mp100 stuff is smut and there was a time where i was like, anxious about writing even heated kiss scenes! i think?? i'm best known for like, loving filth?? like these guys gonna fuck nasty but also wow theyre so in love its almost more filthy than whats actually happening (almost) but i'll write all kinds. i like silly moments in smut, i like the inherent vulnerability that comes with that. also monster sex. i should write more of that

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? not really! altho i have an idea for a Underworld X Resident Evil crossover! i poke the concept every so often. I could make it work i KNOW i can and i KNOW it'd be good too is the thing. it'd fuckin WORK. i mean *gestures vaguely to the movies, the animated movies, the GAMES, the ... live action res tv series* don't talk to me about it, i'm still so hurt. (no DO talk to me about it we COULDVE HAD IT ALL! anyway..) oh yknow what i think i do write crossovers?? but like, less characters from A meet characters from B and more characters from A are thrown into the setting / world of characters B, or the general vibes? So i guess Reigen 1/2 would be considered a crossover huh? I also have a space western one that's hugely based off Outlaw Star, at least to start 🤔 maybe i DO write crossovers! [shockedpikachu.gif]

Have you ever had a fic stolen? unfortunately yes. it was (as far as i know) resolved though. i was so heartbroken over it i never actually checked to see if they kept their word and made the changes they said they would

Have you ever had a fic translated? not that i'm aware of! i have had a fic bound tho!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? hmmmm i think so! Not in a traditional sense of like you write this and i write that but Gaymer AU ( yes it's REAL i promise it's REAL) is largely cocreated and brainstormed and just, would not exist without @crownorclover! and omamori feels very co-written with them too as well! oh i also am working on a sequel to the god below via an rp with my pal @garmrr! it's on a bit of a hiatus right now but that's v much co-writing!

What's your all-time favourite ship? man if you'd asked me this a year ago i would've said azicrow but here we are in the serirei trenches. I think there's still a LOT i love about azicrow and what you can do with them as a writer but there's something about serirei and how mundane they are (or try to be). my most recent azicrow fic was a human au so i think already i was seeking out that sort of point of connection and relation? and theres something about the overall themes of mp100 and how deeply flawed all of these characters are that really appeals to me. reigen and serizawa are not perfect people, in many ways they're not even GOOD people (they get there though) and its the getting there and the exploration of that that really appeals to me i think

What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? hmm im not sure there is one? in terms of my fanfic, anything that's posted and unfinished i truly believe i WILL finish. idk when, but i will. I dont start posting a fic unless i know exactly how it's going to end and i want to share that ending with readers. I have some OG concepts that may not get finished in their original intent but might get frankensteined into other things!

What are your writing strengths? dialogue, for sure. I think? fjdklajfk i said that a little too confidently and doubted myself but no I do think dialogue is one of my strengths! that and grounded angst. i think i'm good at writing angst that feels like it has weight to it, like it has actual stakes, and how that affects the characters. also world-building! i dont really get to flex it as much in modern settings but i have some scifi and urban fantasy WIPs in the pipeline and im SO STOKED

What are your writing weaknesses? man writing shorter works. ive gotten a LOT better at it this year! writing all the lil mp100 drabbles helped a lot in teaching me how to embrace just like, sometimes it can be a lil scene, it doenst have to be a whole thing, you dont HAVE to create the surrounding world. and that in and of itself is a fun challenge in learning how to make something feel immersive even though it's essentially a snapshot of a nonexistent world. I say i've gotten better but yesterday i did start brainstorming another massive longfic so like. we out here

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i try to avoid it unless i'm really confident in my usage and the context, if i can get someone to triple check. i used a one-off sentence in spanish in another fic and it was v simple and the character himself wasn't fluent so like, i felt like i could get away with it. with mp100 i notice there's often times when certain things are referred to by their japanese names and that seems to be kind of the standard? so im experimenting with embracing that but it feels weird tbh. like should i put 'konbini' or just call it the corner store lol of course this isn't dialogue and is in the narrative itself so im not actually answering the question! oops

First fandom you wrote for? believe it or not ive only been writing fanfic for *checks ao3* 4ish years? altho i grew up as a fan of shows and had my faves and my ships i never actually participated in fandom spaces until good omens. The first fic i wrote was in 2018 (the only fic i wrote that year) and it was for the castlevania anime lol i'd been writing OG fic for years and years and years before that though

Favourite fic you've ever written? awgeez this is a tough one... i know Forever is the most popular by kudos but i think that has a lot to do with the time it was being posted (v early following the release of s1, a lot of hype) and it was my first major writing project in a long time as i'd taken a break from writing. so there's parts of it i'd def do differently now The god below is definitely up there in terms of one that i had a lot of fun with and sort of re-learned how to have fun with writing and just.. do what i want, because i want to. and that's okay! i love the world i created for that fic so much. surprisingly i was very insecure about it when writing it. i didnt think it was very good or that people would like it and its my second most popular fic, has been bound by two different people, and had a podfic like.. i did something right with that one and i think it was embracing the unknown and doing a thing (narrative, worldbuilding, plot twist) when the sole reason was 'cause i wanna' a fic i'm most proud of is probably Scar Tissue (good omens) it has MASSIVE cws for self-harm and drug abuse, and it's written for a fandom (Slow Show) WITHIN a fandom (good omens) so it's not going to make a lot of sense if you havent read slow show but.. god that fic was really, really personal and it has some of the best lines of narrative i think i've ever written Lonely and ramshackle heart (good omens) also ranks up there as one im really happy with because it gave me an opportunity to explore trauma in a way i wasn't really seeing done in fic. it is one of those unfinished WIPs i think about all the time though and i really hope to finish it

i'm also working on vampau (mp100) again and the worldbuilding for that is something i'm OBSESSED with and am having SO MUCH fun and i think its an example of me taking what i learned with TGB and my OG fic, in doing what i want and having fun with it, and really pushing that as far as i can while ALSO working really hard to make it feel real and grounded. idk if im succeeding, yall will have to tell me when it drops lol

tada!

holycrap you made it this far??? wow! 🎉 i love love love talking about writing and the craft (obviously, this post is massive) and if you read this far you maybe like reading about it? so yknow, feel free to ask more questions!

[somniumfae]

please talk me about gevie I wanna hear about your oc (thunder sfx) NOW

peepoShy... thank you... you are very sweet

i'm slowly working up the courage to post her main doc on here (i am not emotionally prepared yet, but perhaps eventually) but i can talk about some basic + structural stuff that i haven't really mentioned on here ever

i know that the reasons allogenes get their visions aren't necessarily related to what their element actually represents, but a lot of g!evie's writing is about her eternity

basically... to make a long and kinda edgy story short, she gets her vision after making a resolve to embrace what she perceives her eternity as (to be alone) by transforming herself into a 'character' of sorts, a gentle and powerful wanderer who longs not for the company of others

it's a bit more complicated though. she's wrong about her eternity (lol), though the actions she takes are indeed attempts to embrace her (real) eternity, which is eternity with oneself (similar to an eternity of loneliness, but focusing on what you're with instead of what you're without: friends and lands and homes may come and go, but you will always be you, and you will always have yourself)

that's her first arc. (it's kind of dank sorry). basically it's about her finding peace within herself. her second arc is about her relationship to the world around her. she grows more comfortable with herself (and a bit with the people around her) to the point that she starts to long for a feeling of belonging, particularly for the concept of having a 'home' (which, in her case, is versus mondstadt and inazuma). tldr she decides it's mondstadt. to put another long story short.

i'm not sure how all of this is communicated/developed in-game: since two versions of g!evie technically exist (the one that exists with the confines of genshin the game, and the one that exists within the confines of teyvat the universe [so, one where all of her major development has to be within the audience of the traveler, and one where she's less shackled by that])

my current idea is that her first story quest is, in part, a love letter to the recurring NPC mondstadt daily commissions and the cyclical nature of them: g!evie is a fellow "adventurer" of sorts like the traveler and does the same tasks as the traveler does. g!evie notices and is cognizant of the miscommunications that drive all of these quests (guy refuses to tell his father that he guards a gate and isn't going on grandiose adventures, glory's boyfriend that i forgot the name of doesn't want to tell her he got left behind in varka's expedition, whatever the hell is going on with beatrice and the fruit guy, etc) but she's loath to interfere with others because she fears judgement yadda yadda yadda. basically the quest would be about how she doesn't have to isolate herself and can be more than an annoyance to others if she just put herself out there more. ideally, this quest would affect a permanent change to some NPCs in mondstadt or a change in dailies (but it would have to be ones not linked to achievements obviously)

her second quest might be an event storyline instead of a SQ, but either way, she goes to inazuma to learn more about her eternity. i don't have as solid an idea for this one but the eventual conclusion she comes to is that inazuma is a beautiful place but it kind of encourages some of her worst tendencies [overthinking and contemplation to the point of isolation], and altogether she feels a lot more free in mondstadt, the city of misfits

[francesderwent]

Girl I swear just a few months ago you were like "oh it's so sad I don't have any long-standing male friends who I could start dating" AND NOW YOU TELL US YOUR FAMILY HAS KNOWN AND RIBBED THE BOY FOR AGES???

BABE NO ONE IS MORE SHOCKED THAN I AM

I genuinely didn’t think there was anyone who fit into the long-standing male friends to fall in love with category, but in my defence: 1) my parents have known him way longer than I have, due to my living like ten hours away when our families became friends, so he’s a very long-standing friend of the family but a less long-standing friend of me and 2) he’s a not insignificant amount younger than I am, so when we did meet years back I didn’t immediately think to put him into this category. but those two defences don’t begin to make up for the depths of my obliviousness over the last year and so I’m gonna add: 3) divine intervention. when I like somebody I start to pathologically overthink every single interaction to the point where I’m living in a total fantasy world and am therefore incapable of making a real connection with the living breathing man in front of me. the Lord, in His infinite wisdom, knew this, and drew a veil over my eyes, saying “Cate, you’re not going to notice this man at all until the time is right so that you can get to know him slowly.” “lol,” said I, “what man?” “exactly,” said the Lord. so I happily carried on in absolute ignorance for a long, long time, while I was gradually getting closer to the guy and huge hints of me starting to care about him were flying past, with me blissfully unaware. until last month it hit me out of nowhere that he’s amazing and I love hanging out with him and in my wildest dreams I never imagined I’d meet anybody as kind and caring and well-suited to me. I had a small breakdown about this, but figured it didn’t matter because nothing was ever going to come of it. forty-eight hours later, he asked me out. so. divine intervention. 

looking down my nose at Anne Shirley for not noticing she had the perfect man right in front of her was all well and good until it happened to me. that shit is embarrassing. 

[dumplingsjinson]

asking for personal reasons lmfao. the guy who i like but probably should stop liking is now back with more consistent communication??? and i can't tell if it's because he's less busy or if he's doing this because he can feel me detaching a little.

anyway, he's been asking me how my day is and idk if he wants actual details or if he's just trying to use this as a way to strike up a conversation with me. and yeah okay i might be overthinking and it really isn't that fucking deep (but i'm an idiot so i'm going to make it that deep and ain't nobody gonna stop my trifling ass!!) BUT APPARENTLY I'M DENSE AND I CAN'T TELL WHAT PEOPLE'S INTENTIONS ARE LKFNEWKLFN

and i also recognise that everyone's different and me asking you guys instead of asking him directly isn't gonna give me the answer i'd need to know how to proceed with this. that being said, i also am curious to see why other people ask this, because it's like... something i've always wondered AHAHA.

personally, when it's over text, i never really ask how someone's day is unless i actually give a shit. there's a million other things i can ask to start a conversation. when it's in person, though, it's a little different and that's usually me trying to be polite, and because i can't think of anything else to start the conversation with and don't have the time to craft something up like i can when texting.

[dalmascan-requiem]

Lente's Hymn: Resistance - Chapter 3

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Sometimes, life forces you to face your mistakes.

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Read on AO3 or keep reading after the jump

content warnings: none

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Poor Cid, honestly, lol. He's gotta deal with two grumpy Viera acting like children towards one another. Anyway, this chapter is more or less to get everyone and everything in place, so I can start getting into the real action soon. :)

What in the name of Hydaelyn is going on here?

Cid looks between the two Viera in confusion. Not that he wanted to--but in the cramped convoy to the frontlines, he had little other choice. 

The two, while next to each other in the vehicle, made every effort not to look acknowledge the other. Their efforts to ignore one another even got to the point that that they were staring at opposite ends of the convoy. 

The sight was near ridiculous, and in any other situation Cid would be laughing at the absurdity of it. But the tension in the air was palpable, and he dare not invoke the anger these two harbor onto himself.

Strange… Kris never mentioned anyone in the Dalmascan army that he has bad blood with. As the Dalmasan resistance soldiers filed into Gangos, the Warrior of Light had met with them all. There hadn't seemed to be issues, nor did anyone recognize him. When he asked Kris about it one evening, he replied in a level, standoffish tone. "People see what they want to see, it matters not if they knew me before I became the Warrior of Light."

Cid's gaze shifts to the Viera with the long, brown hair. I wonder if he recognized Kris… it'd difficult to build up so much animosity in a single evening. But why? What had happened between them?

Perhaps he is overthinking this--there are no small amount of people that envy or dislike the Warrior of Light simply for his title, that may also be the case now.

Still, though…

~

"There stands Castrum Lacus Litore, as the Garleans call it."

Kris looks up at the imposing structure in the distance. While it was originally a Bozjan landmark, the garish black spires made it known who occupies the hold now. The Warrior of Light crosses his arms and looks at Bajsaljen "And our goal is to take it back?"

Bajsaljen simply nods, causing Kris to frown in response. "That will be no small feat, given its location. Are we to just barge through the front gates?"

The Bozjan general mirrors his frown. "That is the only way, yes. But with you and the other Blades on our side, victory is all but assured." 

Kris hears an annoyed click of the tongue next to him--he doesn't bother to turn towards it, he already knows who did it and why. Nor could he blame him. I don't know how a handful of soldiers would be enough to turn the tides here, no matter how strong we may be. Alas…

Kris sighs and rubs his neck. "So it shall be, then… I will take my leave." 

He begins to walk away, only to stop as a voice rings out. "Ah, Kris, wait!" He turns around to see Makoto near by, waving him over to a tent. "Cid and I must discuss something with you first."

It's always something, isn't it? "Very well." Kris gives Bajsaljen a curt nod, then makes his way toward the Au Ra.

~

Laurent watches Kris as he walks away with a frown before returning his attention to Bajsaljen. "You all seem to put a lot of faith in the Warrior of Light."

Bajsaljen nods. "Yes, of course. It is through his help that we were able to recreate the Blades in the first place, and word of him taking to the battlefield has raised the morale of many of our troops. He's liberated a number of lands from Garlean grasp, after all."

I've heard the tales of course, but to think it was Eir this whole time… "Still, one man is just one man, no matter how strong he may be. To rely so much on him only begs for misfortune."

"You are not one to mince words, Blade Elja."

"No, I am not." Laurent sighs, then looks towards the command tent. "If we are to somehow push through to the castrum, I'll need to know what the situation is. Can you…?"

"Ah yes, of course." The two make their way towards the tent. "We are lucky to have you. Fran had mentioned you were a talented tactician."

"Not talented. Just have common sense."

"...I-I see." The Hrothgar coughs awkwardly and waves to the tent entrance. "Regardless of what you call it, we'll be happy for your perspective."

"Unfortunately," Bajsaljen continues as they duck into the tent, "the situation is not looking good. Our troops have been spread too thin for two long, while the Garleans are able to launch offensives with little loss of men, due to holding the castrum."

"Why have we not tried to attack from another front?"

"There's no where else to. Other locations within Bozja are more disadvantageous, and with Dalmasca still under the Empire's control--" Laurent's eyes flick up from the map for a mere moment, and the look he gave was clearly enough to stop Bajsaljen from saying what he meant to next.

He turns his attention back to the map, thankful for the silence. So this is their last line of defense and offense alike. And the Garleans have been wearing them down over years… what a sorry state of affairs. "And where do the Blades fit into all this?"

"The Blades will go where help is needed the most. While you all are technically a unit, you'll largely be working separately from one another--though you will be working with another Blade in a pair. I understand that one man cannot take on a whole regime on his own if surprised on the battlefield."

What thin skin he has… "Very well. Who is to be my partner, then?"

"Well, considering all the other Blades are on the battlefield besides yourself and Kris… It would seem you two are the only ones left to partner up with."

It takes everything in Laurent's power to keep a straight face. Of course he is… what god did I piss off to earn this fate? 

~

"Makoto…" Kris puts up his hand with a small smile, cutting the scholar off from her lecture of auracites and Echoes. "I appreciate your enthusiasm, truly, but I cannot make heads nor tails of anything you've said. Your breath is wasted on me."

"O-Oh! I apologize…" Makoto stammers and looks away. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings…

"Don't fret over what he says, Makoto. He's the braun of the operation, not the brains." Cid comes up to Kris and claps him on the back with a smirk. Kris huffs and crosses his arms in response. He's not wrong, but…

"So you want me to place the beacons? And they're… sufficiently able to withstand being in a warzone?"

Cid laughs in response. "Don't worry, Kris, I don't think even you'd be able to manage breaking these. Don't go trying now, though!" He claps Kris again on the back, which earns a scowl from the Viera.

"If you say so." Kris shrugs after a moment, then picks up one of the beacons. "I'll be off--"

"Just a moment, my friend. I wish to speak with you for a moment, first." Cid flashes a small smile. What is it now? You'd think people would want me out on the frontlines instead of chatting…

Cid leads them a small distance away from the others before dropping his voice. "I must ask… the gunbreaker…" Kris tenses up as Cid continues. "Is there a problem between the two of you?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Well, you both are terrible at hiding it."

Kris sighs in frustration. "It won't affect my ability to fight, if that's your--"

"By the Twelve, Kris! I'm not asking because I'm worried about you fighting. I'm concerned for you, friend."

He probably won't stop until I tell him, and maybe it'd feel better to tell someone… "I… fine." Kris runs his hand through his hair in silence, trying to gather his thoughts. "Laurent's my partner."

"...Your partner? I didn't even know you had one."

"Yes, and I had planned on keeping it that way. He didn't know I was the Warrior of Light, either." Kris scowled in an attempt to look angry, but he wasn't able to hide a hint of sadness in his voice. "He likely believed me dead."

~

Cid listened in silence as Kris continued his story. About who he awoke to the Echo on the day of the Calamity, and how he thought the visions he got were an illness. About how one such vision nearly got him killed on the battlefield, and he deserted the army to come to Eorzea to find a cure--not telling a soul about his plans.

"I think you know the rest of it." Kris sighs, staring down at his hands. "I wanted to reach out, but then the people around me started getting hurt or dying, and…" He lifts his head back up, eyes showing a detached determination. The emotional wall Kris built up called the Warrior of Light. "It's best this way. He's angry, and who in their right mind wouldn't be? Soon enough we'll be done here, I'll leave, and he can… move on."

Cid crosses his arms, taking a moment to process the tale he had heard. Gods, Kris… I can understand the hesitation, but, to take this all this far… He had to give the Viera credit for hiding so much about his life for so long, but perhaps had he confided with someone before now…

Before he could say anything, though, he spots Bajsaljen coming up to them, waving the two down. Ah, best not to talk about this in front of the commander.

"Kris! One more thing I had forgotten to mention." 

"I should really take to the frontlines soon--"

"Yes, yes. About that." Bajsaljen cuts Kris off with a curt wave. "Since the Blades need to move about quickly, we find it best that instead of moving as a whole unit, you will move as pairs. To ensure one another's safety."

Kris's frown deepens as he listens. "Alright… who is my partner, then?"

"The rest of the Blades are already on the battlefield--yourself and Blade Elja were the last to arrive. So…"

"...I see." Cid notices the vitriol in Kris's voice, and he manages to suppress a sarcastic chuckle. Fate certainly works in mysterious ways…

As if summoned, Laurent walks up to the group, and immediately turns his attention to the beacon in Kris's hands. "What is that?"

Cid clears his throat before speaking. "It's a beacon, we need it set to gather information for--"

Laurent clicks his tongue and grabs the beacon before Kris could react. "I'll hold it."

Kris gives the other Viera a pointed glare. "I can handle the beacon."

"I don't trust you with it." Laurent quickly turns around before Kris can object further. "You know where to place it, right? Let's go, we've wasted enough time."

The Warrior of Light continues to glare daggers at Laurent's back for a bit, before letting out a frustrated sigh and began to follow him.

Cid couldn't help but to chuckle at the sight. The fact that they're so angry with one another means they still care… Perhaps there's hope for them yet.