#acting like 2-3 years is a normal wait period for something like that

[deepcoraldragon]

And he keeps making merch 🙂 for a series that hasn't seen main content in over two years now 🙂 I'm fine, why do you ask 🙂

And I'm torn, because he's made a few collabs recently and it seems like it was a lot of fun! And I'm happy for him! I know he's had health issues recently and I'm glad he's getting to make content and enjoying it.

But making ad after ad after bonus content after whatever the hell the anime intro was, for a series that feels abandoned to the point where I barely remember the plot, is just disheartening. I hope whatever blocking he's having with the finale gets resolved

[danieyells]

hi there,

thank you so much for all the voicelines you post !! if it’s okay, can i request subaru’s ?

thank you again !

You're welcome! At some point I might go back and put in the ones I leave out because they don't appeal to me as much lol but since i always end up posting 99% of them anyway I think it's enough for most people hahaha. It's all of them now! Sorry for the delay.

I WAS GONNA OMIT ONE OR TWO BECAUSE OF SPOILERS but eh i'll just warm for like. extra spoilers. since after doing more code peeking it wasn't the spoiler i thought it was. SUBARU IS A SWEETIE THOUGH. I also read Subaru's chats which were put in the code recently and. Man this guy needs anxiety meds. I have a small guess as to what his stigma is, but we'll learn in a few days anyway.

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. It's wonderful to see you again."

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"It looks like there's a notice for you. I'd be happy to go pick it up for you if you've got your hands full. Oh, forgive me if I'm overstepping."

oh no he's anxious about helping--

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"I really am so lucky to be surrounded by so many kind people like you."

"I never thought I'd get the chance to enjoy the lifestyle of a student until I came to Darkwick. Every day truly is fulfilling here."

it feels like subaru is like. . .the only one who actually enjoys school life here. . .or who really enjoys being here period lmao. . . .

"You think I'm always smiling? Ha ha, I hear that a lot. It just happens when I'm around all of you."

"I may be the captain, but it's just in name. I think Haku is much better suited for the job than me."

"I've been working since I was four, so people often said I was mature for my age. But the truth is, I've still got a lot to learn."

that makes two characters whose parents have essentially been keeping them from normal life and normal childhood for work reasons since they were four year olds. . . .

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"I tend to just have hot water for breakfast. I know it would be better for me to eat a proper meal, but it's just so much effort."

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO START WITH "I NEED THE GHOULS TO EAT PROPER FUCKIN MEALS". . . .

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'm sorry I'm so late. The campus is so crowded I can never manage to walk in a straight line, so it always takes me longer than I think. Silly, isn't it?"

baby you're hardly the first person i've met with anxiety about crowds. you're fine.

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"What would I do without Haku's help? Hotarubi would be a mess without him."

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I wonder if I should apply early to take out any common artifacts I might need for this mission. I'll ask Haku what he thinks..."

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Ah!  You surprised me there... I just got back from a small errand. Do you need something?"

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ever since I was a child, the performing arts were my only focus. Maybe that's why people always say my mannerisms are so peculiar. It bothers you too, doesn't it?"

poor boy doesn't know how to act if he isn't acting. . .he doesn't know how to exist off-script. . .no wonder he made a deal with a demon. it's probably the first thing he's ever done for himself.

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'd like to go to the cafeteria, but the line is always so long. I feel bad taking time to choose while people are waiting behind me. The bar of entry feels a little high."

i am once again suggesting subaru get anxiety meds. hell go to sinnostra and get some weed, i bet they sell that. i hear it can help.

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm just about to go and meet a friend. I hate to inconvenience you like this, but if it's something urgent, could you speak to Haku about it instead?"

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"What am I going to do? We're supposed to be meeting up in an hour... If I cancel now, they'll hate me..."

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Whew... I'll walk you back to your house, {PC}. Oh, it's no problem at all, I assure you! I wanted some fresh air anyway."

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"I have an Anomalous Ecology test coming up. It's such a fascinating subject, I couldn't help but stay up all night studying. Now I'm a little sleep-deprived."

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I'm going to stretch my legs a little. I might not have a show to practice for right now, but I need to keep putting myself through my paces. I'll get rusty otherwise."

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"I'm sorry my phone's been making so much noise. I recently downloaded an app by mistake, and it won't stop sending me notifications..."

awww he's also technologically incompetent. . .poor guy was probably raised with such a heavy focus on his career he just. never needed a smartphone. anyone he needed to contact or who needed to contact him was probably always very close by. it sounds like he didn't even properly go to school before going to Darkwick. Somebody please take this boy on a walk. like anywhere. take him to a library. buy him a churro. can sho make churros? this is somebody who's never had any sort of normal social experience and sees how different he is and wishes it weren't the case, unlike Ritsu who assumes everyone else is like him, i think he'd like to have some more Experiences.

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"... ...Oh! Hello, {PC}—I didn't even notice you there. My mind was somewhere else."

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"Good morning! Sorry? My hair's messy? You're right, it's sticking right up at the front... That's embarrassing. I'll fix it right away."

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"I usually have lunch in the dormitory. I do eat on the terrace with Lyca every now and then, but he seems so busy these days..."

Lyca is one of the members of Obscuary, btw! Seems like he and Subaru are friends.

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"I didn't take you for a night owl, {PC}. Since you're here, I suppose I'll stay up a little longer. You're sure you're okay? You're not sleepy?"

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Do you visit Sinostra very often, {PC}? I see... Oh, no reason. I was just making conversation. Ha ha."

why do you ask that. . .a certain mafioso captain wouldn't happen to be suspicious of you would he. . .or maybe you owe them money. . .or maybe you used to be part of Sinostra and moved to Hotarubi. . . .

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"It's getting late, {PC}. How about we finish this tomorrow? Thank you for keeping me company all this time."

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Oh, I couldn't ask you to come all the way to my room to wake me up—I'd feel terrible. I do very much appreciate the thought, though."

it's okay buddy jin already makes them do it, one more pit stop won't hurt.

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh, hello, {PC}. Sorry, I was actually just on my way out. I should be back by evening—do you mind if we speak then?"

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Lyca has seen my message, so why hasn't he responded to it? I hope nothing bad has happened to him..."

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Lyca will adapt well to human society, I'm sure of it. I'm so relieved that Darkwick chose to trust him. I can't thank you enough for your help."

he really likes Lyca huh? that is his dog.

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"You can't sleep? Then let me tell you some stories. Legend has it that evil spirits appear once you've told a hundred. Now, what number was I up to..."

BOY IS TRYNA GET YOUR ASS HAUNTED.

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"I don't want to seem like I'm testing you, I just... I get really anxious sometimes... I'm sorry. I'm being weird, aren't I?"

he's the type to ask 'are you sure you love me? are you sure you wanna be with me?' after you get married and move in together and own a house and have two kids with another on the way. he's the hyper anxious 'i'm sorry we disagreed about our favorite colors do you hate me?' friend(affectionate) I wonder though, is he apologizing for seeming like he's testing you because he's using his stigma to see what you've been up to or something. . .? Probably not lol it's more likely he just keeps asking if you like him

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"There is no time like spring. Everyone seems more relaxed this time of year. It's reassuring to see."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"I have some sakura mochi. I was just about to prepare some tea to go with it—would you like to join me?"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"They have no control over whether they bloom, and yet they get made a spectacle of nonetheless... Oh, sorry—I was talking about the cherry blossoms."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"There are many different flowers growing in Hotarubi, but I think the wisteria are my favorites. This is the best time to see them, so you should take a walk around."

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"Hot today, isn't it? It's always raining in Hotarubi, so it does provide a little escape from the blazing summer sun, but... Ha ha. It is very humid, isn't it?"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Summer makes me think of the ghost story Yotsuya Kaidan. The scene where Oiwa becomes hysterical, having realized her her face has been disfigured— incredible."

Yotsuya Kaidan is one of the best known japanese ghost stories! It's extremely violent, so read the summary at your discretion. The scene in question has Oiwa shown her reflection by her sister's boss to see that the cream she was given by a woman who was in love with her husband was actually some sort of poison that instantly scarred her face. She grabs a sword and goes to kill her, only for her to accidentally slit her own throat.

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hotarubi House holds regular festivals during the summer months. If you need a yukata to wear, I'd be happy to pick one out for you."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"I don't mind scary stories, but when that biwa in the tea room started playing by itself, it did make me jump a little..."

slight spoiler, although you can probably figure it out from this but. . .Zenji is a ghost. Subaru currently can't actually see him or hear his voice. . .only Haku, the pc, and, perhaps not so oddly, Towa can afair. All of his youtube content doesn't have him or his voice in it because he can't be recorded by cameras. So Subaru doesn't realize that the biwa playing on its own is actually Zenji playing the biwa.

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"The air has gotten crisper, and the leaves are changing color. I know it's only natural for the seasons to shift, so why does it make my heart ache so much?"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh, these? They're some chestnuts I found. I know—I should give them to Sho. I'm sure he'll be able to make something delicious with them."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"That's another kuchikiri tea ceremony under my belt. It's an annual tradition where one cuts open a tea jar to reveal the tea that was preserved from the first harvest."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"On long autumn nights when the moon is shining beautifully in the sky, it's hard to resist taking a walk outside. Don't stay out until too late though, {PC}."

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"...Oh, {PC}. Good morning... I had a hard time getting up today. It must be the cold... Ha ha. Not very captain-like, is it?"

Jin, Taiga, and Ed are all prone to not getting out of bed. and Yuri falls asleep on operating tables when he has down time. Trust me Subaru you are perfectly captain-like.

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Today, I'm going to order ingredients from one of my favorite stores so we can all make negima—tuna and scallion—hot pot together. Please, do join us."

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"It's cold out today. I was just thinking about lighting the fire. Would you like to come and warm up with me?"

oh subaru you don't even know how that sounds

(between 8pm and 5am)

"People say winter makes you want to snuggle up with someone, but I find that a good blanket does a much better job."

i agree that blankets are much easier to manage than people lol. probably warmer too.

His birthday: (February 20th)

"A present? For me? Thank you... I didn't expect you to do anything for my birthday, so I'm a little caught off guard. I really appreciate it."

Your birthday:

"Um... Happy birthday.  I really hope this year will be a wonderful one for you."

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year. I hope I can depend on your guidance and support again this year."

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Chocolate? Oh, It's Valentine's Day, isn't it? Does that mean these are for me...?"

nah i just wanted you to look at them. YES THEY ARE FOR YOU BBY. why would you be showing him chocolate if it wasn't for him! On any day, not just valentine's day!!

White Day: (March 13th)

"These are for you, {PC}. I put in a special order for monaka from my favorite confectioner in Ginza. They're wafers filled with bean jam—I hope you like them."

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Earlier, Haku told me he was switching houses. It gave me a real shock— I'm very relieved that it wasn't true..."

i bet subaru made the most scared kicked puppy face and started apologizing for being such an awful captain and blamed himself for that haku would go to a different house and haku had to quickly explain it was just a prank for fear that subaru might burst into tears.

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Happy Halloween. I know it's nothing special, but I've prepared some treats for the occasion. Oh... But you're more than welcome to play a trick instead."

please don't trick him. april fool's day was hard enough for him.

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Merry Christmas. We already have our New Year decorations up in Hotarubi, so it has a real east-meets-west atmosphere now. I hope everyone is okay with it..."

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Everyone seems busy at the moment. Maybe I should use this opportunity to tidy the garden..."

(13 affinity and above)

"{PC}? Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you. I was just worried because you were so quiet..."

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"You're back... I'm so relieved. I was worried I'd done something to make you feel uncomfortable..."

this man shakes like a chihuahua 24/7. like you can taste the anxiety coming off of him. i love him. he's so pathetic(affectionate). i wanna squeeze his hand reassuringly and tell him everything's gonna be okay. i wanna hug him and pat his head. i wanna take him places so he learns more about the world outside of working. i wanna watch him do schoolwork excitedly because he's never really gone to school before and it's a new and exciting experience. i want him to experience the most mundane aspects of life with wonder.

good boy. yeah. get him anxiety meds /nodnod

[l0lol0lol0loi]

My thoughts on Vere

I want to say that .....

Actually, Vere is not even my type...

I just give you a hint for understanding

Asra (Arcana) - Jumin Han (Mystic messenger) - Sage (LL) - Kentin (MCL)- Valkyon (Eldaria) - Kadzu (Romance Club) - Victor (RC)

As for game romance:

DA fandom

Zevran - Isabella - Iron Bull (yeah yeah joke about them being whores, but I like how they overcome difficulties, how they hide true feelings and Warden - Champion - Inquisitor try to read them,to talk things out, to form mental connection,

you have an option not to have sex with Zevran throughout the whole game and be lovers and get married;

you will patiently wait 3 years for Isabella to talk about feelings towards each other;

as for Bull... don't kill his screw...ahaha...awkward... learn to read him, just like he reads you and shower him with affection.

Vere may seem close to game romance but still there are lots of difference

All of them are not good educated (in arts, I mean, because Vere certainly does), mostly act friendly (Vere seems distant while three of other characters show true feelings), careless and charming, sex jokes, physical way of fight (Vere has some magic abilities, he steales MC's key with magic and has some shadows behind him in GG. But i am sure he uses weapon, like stilettos or his hands, hehe) , sarcastic, sudective (I mean clothes and lack of it, wink).

As for visual novels, Vere is just.... stands out, so to speak.

I guess his romance will go as Isabella's from DA2 or similar to it.

There will be a lot of refusal and denying of his feelings

Being torn apart between personal desires and MC's well being

Needs time and space to accept the thought of stable and healthy relationship, to change lifestyle

Sex and romantic relationship are different stuff ( when you feel love to someone, you can't have sex with that person. Yeah sounds funny, but when you romance Isabella or Zevran, there was a period of time when they caught feeling to mc and rejected all mc's offer to stay alone in a while. So Isabella and Zevran needed time to proceed that sex can be with a person who loves you and you love back)

That's what I remembered from da

As for Vere,

I just see 2 ways of romance

1. You both flirt with each other, but you always stop it when things go too far and spicy ("surrender" scene hello)

2. MC acts naive (naturally or on purpose) and does't react to his provocation

No matter what type of MC is there MC and Vere have to work together

Obviously, Mc has to reveal their curse. So I see their first interaction as something mutual.

Vere needs a person who has no connections to the city and Senobium, who can be useful to him (after all, mc's curseis damn dangerous and can be used against someone when no one expects that), who can be easily manipulated (Do you remember when he talks about MC's background like ..."Poor thing, I give your life a new meaning" and stuff like that).

As for Mc's side, he has an access to Senobium where he can look for info, he is experienced sharlatan having some shadow magic which MC has already seen, he is in desperate just like MC, he knows the city perfectly.

And their partnership will be business-like. Of course, Vere will tease and flirt with mc but he will keep his distance. He seems to me as someone whose trust is hard to gain but when you do... Omg.... hehe.... He won't change at all, except he will mess around more with you. He is that kind of a person who is normal outside (sassy and bitchy) but he melts inside every time when you do something cute, funny, ordinary things like cleaning or fixing your clothes.

In private he demands affection of yours in his way. Glaring at you expectingly, telling some nonsense/ words of double meaning to get attention. Then you look at him to see what's going on, you see him sitting seductively as usual , an innocent smile on his lips, but his eyes glow with promises of more...

Anyway...

He seems to me as very, very, very jealous person (he literally is jealous of Ais' pets imao even though they are just fwb). But he doesn't show it or he thinks so lol, you have to understand that by his spout face, his irritation and you should go w him somewhere privately (you have to trick him first because he won't go just like that, eg "oh i saw some slutty costume for you a fight between clerics of senobium and bloodhound, let's go) and give him small kisses all over his face. He definitely will tease you afterwards but during the process he is such a lovey dovey mess

He loves when you know what he wants... that's not what you may think ~~~~

I mean that guy can go to whorehouse, I am sure some important people of Senobium like to use him as a sex toy. Sex is casual stuff for him.

So when you give him a gift or cook his favorite dish, or just ask his opinion, he dies internally as he is overwhelmed w that affection you give him. Your treatment is so unnatural, unexplainable to him and yet so endearing and he craves for more...

But he won't ask it openly at early stages of relationship

Buuuut when you two are together for a long time he will be the one taking initiative, he won't ask your opinion he simply grabs your hand ans places it on his head and says "Between ears and try not to disturb my hair" or similar to it ehehe.

My list isn't over but I wanted to say something

I understand why Vere isn't so popular as babygirl of TS fandom:

1. his type is known in mass media ( slim, slippery, sarcastic, nasty dark magic wizard with some BIG ambitions). I can name some: Tomoe from anime Kami-sama Hajimemashita, sorcerers from WITCHER, mini boss from dlc PATHFINDER kingmaker. The list isn't ended but I am lazy to think about it.

2. he can kill mc ( it's so fun looking how ppl hate him for that. Vere, keep going!!!)

3. Has deep connection w Ais, some ppl don't want to ruin their relationship, others are jealous but afraid to admit

4. he is considered to be all about sex thing/flat and his boobs aren't big.

Just joking 🙃

[eroaneki]

Personal update below

Joe's father is likely going into hospice. I've spent the last week trying to keep everything together for us, and I think yesterday between the normal anxiety of my period and the stress of everything going on, I broke. Hard.

I got in my car to go to work and admittedly I didn't eat in the morning because I'm trying to get back into doing intermittent fasting, but I had coffee. And I've done that. I've had coffee on an empty stomach and then ate hours later. Not like something I don't do.

But I was singing along to Queen's "Love of my Life" when all of a sudden I just felt like the walls were closing in on me. I got scared thinking I was having a fucking hypoglycemic episode even though I'm not diabetic so I luckily had some tic-tacs and popped those into my mouth.

It was the same feeling I got when I went into SVT while driving to work 2 years ago. Like that overwhelming sense of dread. But my heart wasn't pounding like it was then. Actually I didn't have my heart racing at all yesterday. Or if I did I didn't feel it. I just had the tunnel vision and the overwhelming sense of doom, and the shakes. Like everything I did wasn't real and I wasn't actually alive and I don't actually exist. It was freaky.

But anyway that happened to me 4 times yesterday. 4 fucking times. And then I ended up getting into a little argument with Joe simply due to a breakdown in communication and he's stressed and I'm stressed and we're both just fucking overwhelmed because we're basically waiting on this poor man to die and it's the anticipation of when is it going to happen, oh my god, and everything else that's going to come after.

Joe's already saying we may have to move back in with his mother after he passes and I don't want that. I really don't fucking want that for us. And I think that's what did it for me. That was the last thing he said to me before I went into full blown panic.

I want our own life. I don't want to be living under the shadow of his mother, my mother, anyone. I want our own fucking life. I want our own privacy, I want our own home, I want our own children, our own dog, our own everything.

And I have felt for my entire fucking life that any time I try getting ahead or breaking free to be my own person, this fucking chain gets yanked around my neck and drags me back. And I think that's why I'm feeling so fucking claustrophobic too. Because I feel like I'm seeing my future being strangled. And I'm going to be entrapped in a situation I don't want to be in.

We were talking about getting married again and quite honestly after the way he acted yesterday and knowing we may have to move in with his mother, idk. I really don't fucking know. I also told him I want to hyphenate my last name and he got like offended by it. He's never had an issue with it up until then. He was trying to feed me shit like "yeah but you giving up your last name is like burying the past" and honestly I wanted to say to him that it's akin to asking me to kill part of myself for you but I didn't want to be dramatic over it.

Idk we're both not handling this situation very well and it's like I know we're gonna get stuck cleaning out his parents' house when he passes and that's the third fucking house I have to clean for family members who have died and I'm 32 and it's 3 fucking houses I have to clean. My grandmother's when I was 19, my father's when I was 30, and now this.

It's just too fucking much. When the fuck am I going to be ok

When is it going to be my turn to have a life I enjoy? That's not surrounded by shit constantly? Why do I have this ever looming cloud over me? Why?

[animemadonnafans]

Apologizing For My Mistakes Online

I am sorry that I waited so long to do these apologies for all sorts of mistakes that I have made through the years.

I will now be going through all of them that I can remember, one by one.

1. On two different forums on two occasions back between 2011-2013, I made the claim that I got Autism from getting a Vaccine when I was young.

I stopped believing this crap back in 2015 when I found out it was based on a heavily discredited, debunked study from the late 90's.

I am sorry that I EVER actually believed this crap.

I was wrong, There is NO connection at all between MMR Vaccines and Autism.

Andrew Wakefield is nothing but a con artist and a fraud. Shame on him and the anti-vaxxers.

This is a VERY dangerous Conspiracy Theory that is causing children and adults to die from preventative diseases like Miseales.

I was BEYOND wrong to even think that there was ANY link between vaccines and Autism at all.

Vaccines save lives, period.

2. Back in 2012 I think, There was this guy from China who was raised in Canada who I didn't get along with online and he insulted me by making oatmeal jokes about me for being a Quaker.

He would also say bad things about Quakers just because of me saying things like, " Do I look like a Quaker to you?"

These weren't normal, friendly jokes, they were meant to insult me. (Though this in no way excuses me later making those jokes about him)

So I made one of my worst mistakes ever online and made a joke to get back at him by saying on Twitter that he probably eats his sushi with syrup.

This joke was completely racist and way out of line on my part. This joke was much worse than the jokes that he had made about me.

To anyone that is Asian, Asian Canadian, Asian American etc., From the bottom of my heart I am very sorry.

Making this joke was wrong and completely unacceptable.

And to the guy in question, I am sorry that I did this.

It was horrible of me to make that joke to you and it was stupid and never ever should have happened. It was racist, hurtful, and wrong of me to make that joke about you.

3. I made a tweet back in 2011 or 2012 comparing Jury Duty to slavery.

This was unacceptable, and no comparison should be made between Jury Duty and Slavery.

It was a stupid comparison on my part and I completely apologize for it.

Slavery was horrible and extremely racist and for me to even compare it to Jury Duty reflected very poorly on me.

4. Back in 2012 in the first episode of my Fanfiction Reviewing YouTube Series "Fanfics With Jonathan", I voiced a Chinese Character, in the Fanfic that I was reviewing, (It was a bad Garfield fanfic called Garfield: Sushi Sensations), with a Chinese Accent.

It was in bad taste and very racist of me to do that.

To anyone that is Asian, I am very sorry that I voiced the Character in that Accent.

It was wrong and I shouldn't have done that.

I am deeply sorry for doing this accent.

5. On some voice acting forum there was a thread or something like that back in 2013 I think, and it asked something like if a Tsunami happened would you risk your life to save others?

It might have been a poll as well maybe.

I answered no, I wouldn't.

This is one of the worst things that I ever said online and it was horrible and completely selfish of me to say that.

I am different now, I would risk my life to save others because it is the right thing to do.

I was completely stupid and wrong for saying that on that forum and for that I am completely sorry.

6. On one Forum, back in 2011 or 2012, I said " The media is dangerous to Society."

That was stupid and very wrong of me to say.

A free media is essential and is a good thing and important thing in any society.

I apologize for what I said.

It was dumb and I am sorry for it.

7. On one forum, Back in 2013, I defended 4kids and said that "I support censorship."

This is also one of the absolute dumbest and worst things that I have said online.

I was stupid for saying that, Censorship is unacceptable and wrong.

I never should have said that.

I was wrong for this and I am sorry that I ever said this.

8. Back in 2012, I had an Improv Sketch Series on YouTube called "The Funny Show" where I made certain jokes in several episodes that I now deeply regret making.

In the first episode, I have Elmo laughing at the Main Character Jonathan for wearing a rainbow colored hat.

In the fourth episode, I had Elmo making a joke about Bert and Ernie getting their own spin-off show and the Jonathan Character tells Elmo not to give people ideas and "that Bert and Ernie are already controversial as it is."

In the sixth episode, I had Elmo telling a story about going into an elevator and a guy being there who mentioned that he used to be a male Cheerleader years ago in High School.

And then he starts doing a cheer in the elevator and Elmo says that he wanted to get out of the elevator and then when Elmo leaves the elevator he accidentally opened the door for the guy and he tells Elmo "Thanks Buddy!" and then Elmo screamed and said " I better go!".

This last example was based on something real that mostly happened.

Back between 2008-2010, when I was 16-18 years old, I was going to a Community College at that time.

I went to go into the elevator on the Second Floor of the building to go to the First Floor.

There was this dude talking to this other person in the elevator and I overheard him talking about how he had used to be a male Cheerleader years ago at his High School and then he did a cheer in front of this person.

Then after I left the elevator I opened the door to leave the library on the first floor and he walked by and said "Thanks Buddy!"

Though unlike in the video I had kept my thoughts about him to myself and I never spoke to him at all.

I deeply regret all of these jokes.

The last example that I gave is even WORSE.

I now support the LGBTQ Community and I even now consider myself Pansexual.

Nevertheless, that is no excuse for the jokes that I made because they were still wrong and homophobic.

I am very sorry to the LGBTQ Community for making these jokes.

And I especially am sorry to the guy I made fun of in the video for being a male Cheerleader.

I doubt he will see this, (I only saw that guy that one time and that's it. I never knew his name and I don't even remember what he even looked like ), but in the unlikely chance you do. Then know that I am very sorry for making those jokes about you.

It was very wrong of me to do so.

9. Back in 2018, I strongly disagreed with people who claimed that Ronny Jackson was telling the truth about Trump's weight and height.

I retweeted a tweet that said "The fat shaming shaming is odd. The PC Crowd frowning upon the word fat are the same people RT photos of Trump playing Tennis."

Fat Shaming is a terrible thing and the fact that I retweeted this is unacceptable.

Making others feel bad about their weight is horrible.

People should be treated equally regardless of weight.

I am VERY VERY sorry for retweeting this stupid tweet.

It was in very poor taste and very insensitive of me.

10. In 2018, After someone in Donald Trump's campaign named Corey Lewandowski made fun of someone with a speech disability by saying "Womp Womp" imitating the Adults from Peanuts, which was a horrible tasteless offensive joke, I saw that a Twitter user that I used to follow made several tweets in response to this and then for reasons I can't remember she started criticizing calling Trump a Psychopath or a Sociopath and then saying that it was ableism.

I agreed with her that what Corey Lewandowski joked about was in very poor taste and was horrible.

However, I took issue with her claim that calling Trump a Psychopath or Sociopath was ableism.

In response, I made one of my worst most awful decisions ever online to make 5-7 tweets to her criticizing her over this.

I accused her of being a secret closet Trump Supporter because she said that calling him Crazy, Insane, a Psychopath, or a Sociopath was ableism.

And also because I thought that she had defended Ronny Jackson's claims about Trump's weight. Though I might have remembered wrong and it might have been another twitter user that either made tweets or retweeted tweets about Ronny Jackson.

I had also accused her of not caring about short people because I had never seen her tweet about them

As I said before, making these tweets was a terrible idea on my part.

I was completely wrong for insulting her and making all these tweets about her and for that I am deeply sorry.

I was wrong to tweet to her 5-7 times.

I was wrong to accuse her of being a secret closet Trump Supporter just because she didn't like it when people called Trump Crazy, Insane, a Psychopath, or a Sociopath.

I was wrong to accuse her of not caring about short people just because I had never seen her mention them on Twitter.

I was wrong to do any of this at all.

From the bottom of my heart, I completely apologize for these tweets.

I never should have done any of this at all.

It was one of my absolute worst moments online and one of my dumbest ever as well.

If by some unlikely chance that Twitter User sees this, I would like to say to you that I am completely sorry for how I acted toward you on Twitter.

It was very rude and disrespectful of me.

I should have made this apology to you back when this happened but I didn't and I admit that's on me.

I am truly sorry that I did this.

I was completely in the wrong for not apologizing about this much sooner.

And for all this and so much more.

I am sorry for those tweets years ago

11. In 2019, I made this tweet, "How is a church telling it's members not to eat McDonald's because supposedly McDonald's is Pro-Gay any different that Pro-Gay People telling people not to eat Chick-Fil-A because they aren't Pro-Gay.

As a Bisexual myself I find both of these types of people annoying."

The reason that I am apologizing for this tweet is because the way I worded it makes it sound like I was saying both were equally bad when that was not my intention with that tweet at all. I meant that I disagreed with both, not that I thought that they were both equally bad.

Obviously a Fundamentalist Church telling it's members to boycott McDonald's for being Pro-LGBTQ is worse than LGBTQ people boycotting Chick-Fil-A.

I still disagree with both of these types of boycotts, (Though I believe the LGBTQ boycotts of Chick-Fil-A at least have good intentions. Even if I disagree with methods like boycotts.),but I am sorry that I didn't make myself more clear.

And for all this, I apologize for how I worded that tweet.

I should have been more clear from the start.

12. Starting in 2017 I began judging Bernie Sanders Supporters very harshly. ( I had supported him from 2014 until 2017.)

I still disagree with him on a lot but I was wrong to judge all of his supporters.

Plenty of them are good people with good intentions and I respect that.

So to these type of Bernie Supporters, I am sorry that I was so harsh toward you.

I was wrong to be that way toward you, It never should have happened.

Sorry that these apologies got very long, I just had a lot to apologize for that I should have apologized for years ago. It was stupid of me to wait this long to even do this and for that I apologize.

Again, From the bottom of my heart I am VERY sorry for every single one of these mistakes.

They won't ever happen again, I assure you all.

I won't just say that I will be better, I WILL be better.

For those that choose to forgive me for my various mistakes through the years, Thank You very much and that means alot to me.

And to those who choose not to forgive me for my mistakes, I understand and I respect your decision. You are not obligated to forgive or unblock me and that is totally fine.

Sincerely,

Jonathan

[inkribbon796]

Egotober 2022 Day: 23 Stalking Treatment

Summary: Nothing says “good patrol” day like being followed.

Prompt: Creepy

Characters: Jackie, Silver

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31

Jackie knew something was wrong. Henrik was still gone and Anti had been unnaturally quiet for a long time.

In the years and years that Jackie had fought against Anti, he knew that the demon liked to toy with whoever he was hunting. And usually he got too impatient for long, drawn out hunts. And Anti was suddenly creeping around his territory, stalking Jackie in particular.

Anti was up to something, and it was getting bad.

Jackie was on a patrol with Silver, they were walking around Althone and he could feel someone watching him.

“Any changes?” Silver asked quietly as they got to a Korean food truck they both liked to hit during patrols.

“Not yet,” Jackie said as he grabbed his own little meal tray and they took their food up to a random rooftop so they wouldn’t be interrupted or scare people.

“He’s been stalling around my house,” Jackie admitted around a mouthful of rice.

“He found another place you live at?” Silver paused eating to stare at Jackie in horror.

“Yeah and he hasn’t done anything yet,” Jackie said. “He hasn’t bothered my girlfriend, hasn’t bothered our cat, hasn’t even marked the house yet and that’s always the first thing he does.”

“Should we get the brainiacs and do something?” Silver asked.

“Not yet, Henrik is sending texts but they’re weird,” Jackie said. “The first few were fine, but now I don’t know what’s wrong with them but I don’t think Hein is sending them.”

“Do we know where he is?”  Silver asked.

“No.” Jackie stabbed at his rice with a fork. “But Anti might, and that’s why he’s acting weird.”

“How do you know that?” Silver stared at him.

“Cause Henrik and Anti have kinda been conjoined at the hip for a long time. And we know they’re probably dating, but if it keeps Anti from killing people every week then who cares?”

“How long has this been a thing?” Silver asked.

“Officially, for a while,” Jackie said. “How long they’ve actually been dating, we don’t know. We kinda hoped if we didn’t bring it up before they did, that Anti wouldn’t get uppity and he’d just stay calm.”

“That’s certainly better than having a knife-happy demon on the streets,” Silver agreed.

“Yeah, but it just feels weird, you know?” Jackie said.

Then he looked down at the street.

“Hey, Silv, watch my food for a second so the birds don’t get it,” Jack set his tray down and zipped down to the streets and zipped past a normal looking dark blue van to see a read of the license plate. Something about the van set his teeth on edge. He didn’t know why he didn’t trust it, he just didn’t. Then he quickly raced back to Mark up on the roof.

“Bad news?” Silver asked, handing him back the tray.

“Thanks,” Jackie told him. “Maybe. It doesn’t seem to be Anti though. I noticed that van down there following us twice, it has the same license plate as the other ones I saw.”

“Should we say something to them? You sure they’re watching us?” Silver finished his food as Jackie just inhaled the rest of his.

“Maybe not yet, don’t want the feds on our case just cause we knocked on their door,” Jackie said.

“Yeah,” Silver picked up off the roof top as Jackie stood up and got to fully stretch out and then went back to trying to trail Anti. All the while the white van would periodically follow them, and then they’d lose Anti’s trail for a bit.

So Jackie called them off to go somewhere else. The van followed them for a bit before they completely lost track of it. Anti crossed their path close to the base and Jackie and Silver went in to talk to Bing about the situation.

Jackie saw the van still following him while on patrols. Jackie’s unease didn’t led up either but he waited. He waited for himself or someone else to get attacked. He was not starting this fight, but he was certainly ending it.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1996 We each made up a new game. His game is that he reads the Spanish movies that are listed, then I get to laugh at how he says the words, then interpret them for him.

I said I had a game for him, but who knows if he wants to do it, will have time, or will remember to do it, but he said he will do it with me. The object is to make up a profile of Norah since we don’t know squat about her and see who’s right, wrong or close.

This is what I say about Norah: She’s never been married, has no kids and has bisexual tendencies. She’s probably been with a few women but for a very short time. She prefers males, but once again, she doesn’t keep them for too long, cuz she’s a snob to him or he’s lazy or has some kind of problem with her. I think she lives in England and has a nice, average-sized condo or townhouse, if not a house. She’s the kind I wouldn’t want for a friend and who wouldn’t want to know me, as she’s too serious. She’s got no tolerance or empathy for people like Nervous, Fran or Ellie and acts like the so-called grown-up and mature type. She’s never been one for making prank phone calls. She probably smokes cigarettes, drinks occasionally, but doesn’t do drugs.

This is what Tom says about Norah: She was a spoiled rich kid who went into acting cuz she didn’t have to work. She probably has had 2-3 husbands and has one or two kids. Her first husband was probably a British director who got her the parts in some earlier mini-series she did in the 80s. She got divorced from that husband cuz she wanted to come to the States to try to make it big in the movies. She’s an average mother and person but is stuck on herself. She now lives who knows where and is living off of past jobs and off her husband, since her acting career has pretty much petered out. She may or may not have made prank phone calls, depending on where she’s lived.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1996 When I got up on the 27th, my period started, naturally. It was just spots, but today it’s a full flow. I told Tom I seem to be back to normal, therefore, my body must’ve forgotten how to make this so-called baby. He said that that’s not true and that this is working out great cuz it’s a sign that my body can adapt quicker and better by the fact that it suddenly changed back, therefore, it can now make a baby. Whatever. He’s still 100% sure I’ll have no October period and that he can commit to that, but I don’t know if we do it enough to give him the chance to prove me wrong. He did mention us doing it more, so that’s nice. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

I haven’t been writing as much cuz I’m still working on the computer journal project. I’ve got them all squashed and I’ve fixed them all the way up to 36. Then, I decided to spell check and cap them all, so after I do that, I’ll just have to cap paragraphs and other things the dictionary may have missed or any typos and that’ll be it.

The doctor’s appointment went fine. He gave me a new inhaler to replace the Azmacort, saying they don’t make Azmacort anymore and this thing, Aerobid, works just like Azmacort does. The good thing about it is that I need only take 2-4 hits twice a day. Not 6 hits twice a day. I’ve got new prescriptions for that and the Proventil inhaler for a year.

After the doctor’s, we stopped off at Mom’s house for a little bit, then got something to eat at a fast-food drive-through, then came home.

Got a postcard from Alex who went to Sacramento. What an old ugly place Sacramento is.

Mom, Mary and Dave are going to San Diego from this Monday to Friday.

Tom worked on Mary’s car today and he got in a few hours after I got up and asked me how the new inhaler was. I told him I seemed hyper and he burst out laughing saying, “That’s like saying that the ocean seems wet.” In other words, I’m always hyper anyway.

I told him it’d cum in “Laurie H” to remember to double-check if car part stores really have the car parts they claim to have and he said, “I don’t want to cum in Laurie H, I want to cum in you.”

So, we talked, he took a shower, I gave him a massage, then he ate some toast and crashed.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1996 I’m gonna go check out a movie in just a short while, but first, I’m happy to say that all my journals are squashed. All the ones up to 107, omitting any that aren’t on the computer if they’re letters or stories.

I can’t believe God didn’t give me my period yet! Well, I know he will. As busy as he is (doing unfair and wrong things), he could never forget my monthly periods. Watch. With my luck, I’ll get it as I’m out the door to see the doctor tomorrow.

Tom and I saw a really neat-looking lunar eclipse earlier. It’s supposed to be the last one of the millennium.

He also showed me a few new things to do for him on the computer to help him out. How to check the drives for errors and how to defragment the drives.

Remember how I said I put cat pictures on Kim’s ugly journal? Well, I removed those and put 158 little address label samples I got out of a catalog on it. It looks awesome.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1996 The suggestion Tom made about a week ago that my good ear may be infected, does seem possible. I’ll ask the doctor to look at it when I see him on Friday for my refills. It’s been itchy. It’s weird how the bad ear was the culprit for a while and now it’s the good ear that bothers me. This explains why I’ve had dizzy spells, but I haven’t had any for a few days now, which is nice.

I wish I would get my period now and just get that over with as my tits are quite sore and I can’t even begin to describe how bloated I am. This 104-pound woman looks 125 pounds. My body should be back to normal now. It’ll stay this way for a while too, as long as he doesn’t touch me or get off more than once every week or two. Since he’s cum, I’ve learned just what my body does. True to my lifelong gut feeling, his cum can’t make me pregnant. All it can do is make my cycles screwy. Anyway, I know I can expect a full and normal period by the weekend for sure. In fact, I even told God just now that I know this is a trivial request and I know he’s busy, but coming from me of all people, I’m sure he’d have no problem whatsoever with starting my period now and would be delighted to do so, so I’ll be over the worst of the cramps when I have to go out Friday. Yes, asking him for periods is an easy prayer that’s sure to be granted with no problems at all.

Gloria’s concert sucked. She looked OK body and hair-wise, although her hair was a bit short. However, she looked so tired, much older, and I never heard her voice so strained and off-key before in my life. I was sitting there laughing at her, but at the same time, I felt both embarrassed for her and sorry for her. Andy’s gonna borrow the tape one of these days, but trust me, my niece Lisa and I would’ve made her look sick if we had been there singing with her.

Later…

Tom had a funny dream the other night. He dreamt he was walking down a road with his mother when suddenly, she turned into Dennis Rodman in drag. He’s a well-known basketball player. So, I’ve been teasing him and running around here saying that I had a dream he and I were walking down a road and he turned into a butch.

Anyway, as funny as that is, I’ve been pretty depressed these last few days. Been doing a good job holding it in, though, as I don’t want to get Tom all bummed out or have us end up arguing. Besides, I could discuss it till I was blue in the face and it’ll still never change things. So, I cry on and off and try to avoid thinking about certain things that pop into my head. The mind, though, is a very hard thing to control at times.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1996 God, I hate you! I got up this morning and said to myself, maybe, just maybe, I can turn on a talk show while I’m waking up and it won’t be all about teen pregnancy and sickos getting pregnant for a change, just like 4 out 5 talk shows seem to be about these days. Sure enough, though, I had to hear about all kinds of teen pregnancies on one talk show. Then I go to change the channel and take a chance on another talk show and I had to hear all about a 13-year-old who got pregnant by her boyfriend’s father.

I swear, it’s like God’s rubbing in my face what I can’t have! Why must he tease, torture and taunt me like this? Now I can sort of relate to how my parents feel about my repetition. I can’t even turn on the fucking TV without hearing babies this and babies that and pregnant this and pregnant that. Almost every commercial is about being pregnant and having babies and so is almost every show. I’m sick of it! Like this makes it easier for me to have to deal with my never being able to have a kid? Enough is enough! It makes me sick! I’m almost afraid to turn the TV on these days. I’m tired of hearing about pregnant 12-year-olds on one channel, then flipping to the next to hear about the pregnant 15-year-old, then to the next to hear about the pregnant crack addict who’s broke, then to the next to hear about the pregnant Ku Klux Klan member, while I’m on the verge of getting my period any second here.

Later…

I just had to take a few minutes out there, cuz I just ended up bawling my eyes out. I picked up Piggy and went outside, as he makes me feel better. Also, I clipped his nails. I know I was at God’s mercy by crying like that. That’s just what he wants and I know he was up there laughing. I could feel such hate all around me. I tried to remind myself, hey, look. You need to deal with this. God’s never gonna change, he’s never gonna let you have any control over your life and that includes the right and choice to have a child, so just get over it. It sure is hard at times, though.

In a minute, I’m gonna jump in the shower. I suppose I should shave my legs. I guess Tom would like that better, but then again, he’s not gonna touch me, so I’ll do it tomorrow. Maybe this weekend he’ll touch me. If I behave. If I talk and act as he’d prefer. Last night he asked to be taken care of. So I played with his dick for a few minutes, then he wanted a back rub and said he was gonna go to sleep. I asked if he wanted me to finish taking care of him and he said no. Now, I know we all have our ways, quirks and feelings, but this still just seems so weird to me. I can’t imagine someone wanting to get all excited for nothing. I know that if he starts something with me, I expect him to finish it, or else I’ll be left horny and that’s no fun. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted me to get him going so he could finish off the job after I left the room. Even that seems weird to me too, cuz if I’m gonna get my own self off, I’m gonna get my own self started and not bother with anyone else being involved unless I want them involved from start to finish.

Later…

Took my shower and went through the mail. No goodies today. Just a flier for Tom and an NPN envelope for me.

The weather has really cooled down here. It’s breezy out there now and at around 10:30, it was even just a touch chilly. Around now, though, is when I wish this place would turn into Florida. Before we know it, the days will be chilly and the mornings and nights will be freezing.

It’s really cool to hear all my wind chimes going off. I’ve got so many now (7) that it’s hard to tell which one’s which.

I’ve got some good news which is gonna equal bad news, cuz it always does. Next door has been beyond too good to be true. I mean, they’ve been the best they’ve ever been. Not a sound. Not even music playing softly. It’s been this way ever since I mentioned that bad heart I’m supposed to have and that I got from my daddy, so I wish I’d thought of that piece of crock long ago.

I can’t see myself meant for heart problems and I sure as hell hope that God’s not gonna fuck with my heart now for lying about it. Especially since it’s an absolute no-no for me to do any wrong, big or small, and get away with it. It’s almost like he expects me to be perfect, while he denies me most things I want, takes just about total control over my life and God help me if I step out of line. Whereas others can get away with anything and have control over their own lives and get most of what they really want.

Anyway, since bad equals good and good equals bad, I wonder what he’s gonna do to replace their music? He’s gotta do something, so this means they’re either gonna start up again with the music or some other source of noise, or God will stick someone else’s shit on me.

The person who started the saying, “You can have anything you want in life if you work towards it,” really burns me up. This is so untrue in some cases.

Another thing that Andy said that’s supposed to be in the Bible is how God’s supposed to be a jealous God, wants to be loved and thought well of by as many people as possible. Well, if this is true, it can’t apply to me. If he wants it to apply to me, he’s gonna have to not only make some serious changes with me but with the world itself. If he stops this world’s unfairness and sickness and cruelty and allows more stable 30-year-olds to have kids, then yes, I’ll look at him in a much, much more positive light and I may even love him. I mean, come on. There have been wonderful and shocking things that really have happened to me that I never thought could or would happen and I’ve been made to eat my words, so why not a kid, too? What’s the big deal? What a stupid question, though. I know damn good and well what the big deal is.

If I can’t control my life, I wish I could at least have control over my own damn mind then. Then I wouldn’t want the things I want, since 99% of the things I want are impossible and 75% of them would take forever to achieve.

Well, since I don’t care to turn on the TV to hear all about babies and the wrong kinds of people getting pregnant, I think I’ll go work on squashing and fixing up journals on the computer. I’ve got up to 55 squashed and up to 23 fixed, so that’ll be what I’ll go continue working on now.

Later…

I’ve had enough writing for now, so I’ll just quickly say that we went to the library and Gloria’s concert on HBO sucked, but I’ll expand later.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1996 Got some cat and dog stickers from the ASPCA today. So, since this journal and the next are heavily decorated in the inner covers, I went and decorated the 5 Lisa Frank books. I also stuck a dog and a cat each on envelopes that’ll go to Kim and Larry. I didn’t for Bob, cuz I think they might think there’s drugs or something hidden within or under the sticker, so I didn’t take the chance.

I also designed that boring journal cover of Kim’s she sent. If someone gives me a journal, fine. But if I don’t like it, I can always design the cover myself and that’s just what I did. I used some of the cat drawing pictures that Kim sent that were in one of the calendars. I’ve got 2 on the front cover and 2 on the back. I laid them down and then wrapped them up with clear contact paper.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the trip took about 4 hours. That excludes the time we stopped for breakfast on the way up. I didn’t know this, but the California border is only about 2½ to 3 hours away. I always had thought it was about 6. It’s 6 to Los Angeles and any kind of city, I guess.

Andy decided that yes, the print of my journals, which was very small to avoid having to take up thousands of pages, is way too small for him to read and it strains his bad eyes and gives him headaches.

Well, good. He’s gonna bring the book back. I should never have made the stupid mistake of giving him the book in the first place, but you live and learn. I told him, though, that I still wouldn’t be surprised if I died before he does, so then he can borrow the originals.

Tom brought up an interesting point the other day. Through talking to him, I was able to realize that I’ve gotten at least 3 pre-thought-of dreams. Coming here, going to California and his cumming. As far as I’m concerned, though, I’ll still never be pregnant. It’s always been that the things I want the most never do come true and I’ve wanted a kid more than these 3 things. Besides, I still think that goes along with God’s unfairness rule. It doesn’t matter to him what kinds of people live here, go to California and have mutual sex. Especially since the majority of the population seems to have no trouble with mutual sex. It’s not as unfair for an asshole to go to a particular place or have mutual sex as it is for God to allow them a child.

As I’ve been proofreading my journals, on the computer, I realized all the more such weird and scary patterns about my life. Well, I’ve established long ago that I just can’t get away with shit. Anything I’ve ever done wrong, I was almost always caught in some way shape or form. Meanwhile, people can commit murder and never get caught by anyone. Probably not even suspected.

Also, as I’ve said before, I’ve figured out long ago that the more you do wrong, the more God seems to respect you and love you and the more he gives you, though this doesn’t seem to apply to me. If I killed someone, he would not bless, respect, protect and reward me. For some reason, God seems to really be against me misbehaving. Not only does he seem to be against me and hate me when I’m good, he always has punished me when I’ve done wrong. He punished me by having so many people wake me up in different places I lived after the few years I woke up so many people by prank calling them. Now, if I was most anyone else, he’d never wake me up and get me back for waking up others. I know he wouldn’t. He never even punished Andy the way he’s punished me. Yes, he’s punishing us both, as always, and the patterns of our lives are quite scary. He’s so much like me that I think it scares us, as much as it helps us to talk about it and share each other’s dreams that we’ll never have. Here’s another good person, asking for a human and normal thing (and I don’t think asking for love is too much to ask for), yet God’s basically always told him to fuck off. Meanwhile, the child molesters and murderers have no problem finding love and so much more.

But then there’s Gloria. What is with her? How does God see her and why? As far as I know, she’s never been a bad person. I know no one’s perfect, but she does seem to be quite a classy person. I can’t see her ever committing crimes or beating her kids or into drugs and other negative shit, so why has he broken his general rule with her and let her have it all? I guess God just has a few select people that he considers special and superior to others. Gloria may have worked hard to maintain all she has, but she never had to work for it in the first place. It just came to her on a silver platter. Meanwhile, I’ve fought for things in the past and the present only to never get them or to have to wait years for them, all the while fighting tooth and nail for these things.

I really think God hates Jews and women. I used to think he didn’t hate gays, cuz if he hated any such thing or person, why not just eliminate the thing or person? Now I don’t know, though, cuz he hates me and hasn’t eliminated me or gays and the reason why I’m wondering lately if he hates gays, is cuz of how he allows them to be treated by society.

I saw a movie last night that really made me sick. And madder than hell. This was a true story of two lesbian lovers, both seemingly decent and fit to be parents. Well, one had a kid and the girl’s own mother took her to court to fight for custody of the kid cuz of her lover. How fucking sick! Then they say it’d harm the kid? How? How can two people that love each other harm a kid? These women weren’t doing anything explicit in front of the kid. Meanwhile, the straights can do all the explicit things they want in front of their kids and abuse them in all kinds of ways and kill people, yet still keep their kids. How can any court be so sick as to make a woman choose between love and her kid? How can any court be so sick as to have homosexuality be a class A felony? You mean loving someone for who they are and not what they are and what body parts they have is actually worse than prank phone calls? Well, obviously it is to them, cuz prank phone calls are misdemeanors everywhere. Sick, sick, sick!!! Quality should matter when it comes to parents, not gender or how many of them.

And speaking of this world’s motherfuckers who have it all, like fame, money, power, love, kids, and good health, well, I can’t believe (but then again, I can) our own fucking president lied his way into being elected. He promised to fight for gay rights upon election, but what did the little fuck just do? He banned the right for gays to marry. That fucking cock-sucking SOB.

What is it with you God, huh? Why do you want this world to be so sick, cruel and unfair? What are you trying to accomplish? What?!

I just wish I knew why God was so full of hate. Is God really the devil? Is there really no God, but just a devil?

Anyway, since my periods are like a faithful best friend who will never ever go away till I hit menopause, I’ve got quite the PMS case here. About 3 different times I weighed as high as 106 and I’ve got PMS in every sense of the word. I have every single symptom of PMS that PMS has to offer, so I’m a million percent sure I’ll be getting my period by the weekend. I know that tit soreness is part of pregnancy as the body adjusts to the new higher hormone levels, but even if God were fair and would allow me to get pregnant, you aren’t supposed to have pre-cramps and that’s exactly what I’m getting on and off. I’m the most fearful of Tom not cumming again for two years or so, more so than I ever have been since he first did in July. It’s just a strong feeling I get, but all I can do is hope I’m wrong and wait and see what he does.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1996 Right now I’m not in the greatest mood. I still have been having dizzy spells here and there. Tom says not to worry about it and it’ll go away.

Tom’s also got me pissed off right now. It’s just over the usual - sex. After he came home, he got naked, sat down in front of the TV, then I asked him if he needed anything and he said he needed to screw. So, I got up, turned off the TV, and was gonna get him going while he was still sitting there, but then he said it wasn’t very nice of me to turn off the TV like that.

Then why’d he say he wanted to screw? I’m just tired, once again, of these sex games. I’m sick of having sex in waves and of having a part-time sexual relationship. We either have sex or we don’t from now on.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1996 We’re back home now, of course, so now I can begin writing all about our wonderful vacation.

First, though, yes I’m definitely gonna get my period in about a week. I have PMS in every sense of the word. I figured I would, though, and as I told Tom, in October I’m not gonna dog him about having a period then as he said I could cuz that wouldn’t be fair. The proper person to “dog” would be God, but that’d be useless. He’d just be up there laughing at me and that’s exactly what he would want.

Now, about the trip. The drive to and from there was long, tiring and boring, but the scenery was beautiful with lots of huge mountains. I didn’t know there was such a thing as the high desert and the low desert. Up in the high desert, there are lots of Yucca trees and Joshua trees. In the low desert, there are lots of Prickly Pears and Saguaros. I think the low desert is prettier. There were lots of dangerous roads that wound in and out, up and down the mountains and we even had our headlights on, as most cars did, to make seeing an oncoming car easier. There were some skinny wooden white crosses here and there that represent where people have died. We never saw any rabbits, foxes or snakes out in the remote areas where there were no towns, but we saw buzzards. Those are birds that are bigger than pigeons and they’re scavengers. They eat dead animals. Most of the trip was just an empty desert with distant mountains. We only passed through 3 tiny towns which were Wickenburg, Kingman and Bullhead City, which I call Bullshit City. On the way up we stopped for breakfast in Kingman, but we didn’t stop anywhere on the way back.

We traveled to Needles, California through the Arizona side of the Colorado River, which I saw. That river is sparkling clean compared to the Connecticut River.

I was so emotional and so excited as we entered CA. Another childhood dream come true. That was so sweet of Tom to get me there and said it was my temporary fix till we went further into CA to places like Sea World and Disneyland. Needles is right over the CA border in the middle of CA. Maybe just a bit lower than mid-CA. Needles is part of San Bernardino County near Barstow. It looked just like the desert regions of AZ and NV. As well as NM, TX and UT. There’s the desert side of CA and the ocean side of CA, separated by a huge mountain, but of course, that’s way further into the state. I didn’t see a sign that said we were entering CA, cuz we kind of entered by a back door, but it was so cool to see the interstate signs that said California. We pulled up by a Taco Bell and got a soda. Meanwhile, I was out at the base of a small mountain right off of the parking lot, jumping for joy. Then we stopped a little further out in CA in another nowhere land area where there was nothing but flat desert with lots of huge mountains off in the distance. Tom and I took one picture of each of us and one of both of us. Out of all the times, I wrote about going to California throughout my journals as one big fantasy, it’s cool to finally see it written as the truth. I remembered as I stood in CA, looking all around me, how I used to twirl around on my swing set when I was little and wonder when I was facing CA. Then, I’d twirl around real fast, knowing I had to have faced it several times.

As we were getting in the car to head for Laughlin, I took a white-gray rock and here at home, I took my purple paint pen and wrote “California 9/19/1996.”

After driving about 30-40 miles in CA, which took an hour, we traveled the Nevada side of the river into Laughlin. I like Laughlin much better than Vegas. The lights at night are much nicer in Vegas, but Laughlin was more of an older and mellow crowd and it wasn’t so mobbed. Parts of the afternoons were sort of mobbed, but not like with Vegas. That place is almost always rocking. Laughlin’s smaller, too.

We stood on the 24th floor of the Riverside Resort which has 26 floors. It had a beautiful view of the area. We were sort of dipped down in a valley with mountains of nowhere land all around us. Laughlin is just a little lone town out in the middle of nowhere. The big mountain tops were almost level with my head as I stood to peer out of the hotel window, cuz that’s how big they are, even though we were in a valley and on the 24th floor. It was a nicer-looking hotel room than the Ex-Caliber in Vegas, but shit were those beds hard! They were agonizingly hard and I had to take the bedspreads from both beds and lay those down under me.

After we checked in, we went and gambled for a bit, then to a restaurant. This was the other negative part of the trip, besides the long drive and hard beds and that was that these two little girls were being so obnoxious. They were screaming and running around the restaurant like crazy. The parents just wouldn’t discipline them at all. These kids were lucky they weren’t around a good 20 years or so ago when more parents tended to discipline their kids. I was dead tired and it really made me glad we didn’t have a kid then as it really would be a burden to gamble and have fun and get some sleep with one around. We certainly wouldn’t be able to have sex, either, cuz what would we do? Tell it to wait in the bathroom till we were done? Daycare would cost a fortune. We’d have to gamble one at a time, too, while the other one watched the kid up in the room. Coming home and wanting to just relax with space, peace, and quiet would be just a dream.

So, after we ate prime rib, we gambled some more, both together and separately. I kept winning and losing the whole time and Tom told me that if I see something I like at the gift shop or wherever, to get it while I have the money. So, since I stretched the $60 I had to begin with, I ended up being able to get $55 worth of wind chimes. I got 4 gorgeous ones which I’ll describe later.

For the most part, I played quarter machines. I got carded 3 times and the change people looked at me strangely when I asked for quarters with the way I say the word with my Eastern accent.

Here we go again with Wendy calling and bugging Tom with computer questions, but he’s at his mom’s right now, so there’s nothing he can do for her at the moment. What’s the story with this woman, though? Is she still heavy on him, or what?

Anyway, I basically played quarters and would win 200 quarters, and several 10s, 20s, 50s 100s and a 150 here and there, but of course I’d lose it. It was so much fun and I really love gambling and even have a favorite slot machine now which was at the Gold River Hotel. We were there on the 2nd day. There’s a machine there that has your typical 3 wheels that roll around with bars and 7s and cherries, but it also has a wheel up top. If you roll and get the money bag symbol, you get to spin the wheel and you can get from 25-500 quarters.

I like the Gold River’s change-holding cups best, too with its cactus design. The Riverside Resort just had a map on their cup, but I liked it cuz it covered where we had gone.

I bought a really pretty magnet with different shiny colors on it of a desert scene with different cactuses that says “Nevada.” And I also got one that has cards, dice and change on it that says ‘Laughlin’ and it also has my name. Even though I hate my name, I got it cuz I thought it was weird that I’d find something with my name on it, which isn’t too common, and I like the design.

Here’s a description of the wind chimes. One’s only a few inches long with one small and one larger purple crystal rock with gold chimes. The sun reflects through it nicely. One’s longer with bold colors, streaked with silver on its chimes and it has horses. The next longer one has beautiful floral chimes streaked with silver. The longest one, which is about 2’, has one rainbow-colored chime in the center which is streaked with silver, and then it’s got 5 round rings with round balloons hanging inside the outer ring. They’re really gorgeous.

By around 6 PM, I was getting very tired, but couldn’t sleep for a while till I made the bed comfier. So I listened to some CDs, and sent postcards and short letters with the hotel’s stationery to a few people. I contemplated on and off sending my folks a card. I asked Tom if he thought I should and he said yes, so cards and brief notes went to Kim, Bob, Larry, Tammy and my folks, but I still won’t write regularly to my folks or call them. I’ll let them call me and I certainly don’t want to see them, cuz I still mean it when I say that the 30 years of BS are over. Not only do I think that they weren’t very good parents, I don’t think they’re very good people. They’re certainly not my type, anyway. I’m sure Tammy will be pleased to hear that I sent them a card and not pressure me about contacting them for a while since Ma tells her every single thing I do or say to them.

We ended up falling asleep and waking up at the same time and that was from 9 PM - 5 AM. Before I went to bed, Tom went down on me, then we screwed when we got up. He didn’t get off, cuz his legs were still sore from working on the roof. At least it can’t leak in here and there’s only a little tiny bit left of roof work to do.

When we got up, we gambled a bit, then ate at that same restaurant. It was nice and quiet in there and it was right by the river, so we had a nice view from where we sat. Then we gambled for a while, then went to the post office which was below the casino. They had casinos down there too, though. After sending my mail out, we walked out by the river and saw some boats and some folks were on jet skis. We saw some ducks and even a pigeon walking by. Then we went to the Gold River to gamble, then back to check out of the Riverside, then back to the Gold River again till we lost our money and left.

Later…

I finally got Kim’s package. I really only liked two of the shirts. The ones saying ‘Arizona’ and ‘New Mexico,’ but Tom likes more of them and he’ll probably wear them. The calendars were nothing special. There were only a few pictures I liked that I’ve decorated my journals with. I thought they were live pictures, not drawings/paintings. The journal was rather dull, but I’ll make my own cover.

I left Andy a message when I got up this morning real early to let him know I needed to unwind from the trip, would be busy, but that I’d call him Monday. Sure enough, he called right back, so we chatted for a while. I told him about the trip and he told me got it off with Quinn, but still has to play his selfish games if he wants to know Quinn.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1996 Right now Tom’s gone to the ATM to pull some money. We will be leaving soon. We’re going to CA today, not tomorrow. We’ll still be at Laughlin, too. Today! Today I’m going to CA! I’ve been waiting 30 years for this.

Later…

We are now on our way and we’re pretty psyched. Going to CA is no big deal for Tom as he’s not from NE and once lived in Riverside, CA.

We’re moving again, so my handwriting will be horrible. We’re just about out of the city limits. I’ve got my old boom box playing now. Tom stuck a cord on it so it could be plugged into the cigarette lighter.

Later…

We’re out in nowhere land now where it’s just vast expanses of open desert. Lots of cactuses and Joshua trees. We’re in between the tiny towns of Wickenburg and Kingman. We’re gonna stop at Kingman for a bite to eat. We brought the camera and camcorder and I did a little filming along the way and shot a few pictures.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1996 Guess where we’re going? To Laughlin, Nevada, and to California! I’m so psyched! We’ll be leaving around 4 AM tomorrow, then driving to Laughlin. We should arrive there at 11 AM or so. At some point, he’ll take me just over the CA border which is mostly just a remote desert. I didn’t know the CA border was just a few minutes away from Laughlin. We’ll be staying overnight, then we’ll be driving back around 11 AM at check-out time.

Later…

I called Tammy and let her know where we’re going. She’s sick, as usual.

We’re definitely well due for this vacation. We have not had a vacation since getting married in Vegas. We won’t have much money for gambling and we can’t do anything in CA, but it’ll still be lots of fun. Hopefully, we can be on the top floor of whatever hotel we’ll be in. You know how the NHA made me as far as people above me goes. Tom says it’ll be dead, though, and so many rooms will be vacant.

He’s finishing up the roof now. I told him Monday sounded too good to be true as far as finishing the roof goes.

I just wish I were the size I was when we got married. Most of my clothes are too tight on me now and Tom says it’s part of the change. Still? I thought my body had returned to normal till the next shot, but he says my hormones are still out of whack and my body will be different trying to get pregnant, during pregnancy and then returning to the period mode. Anyway, I know my thin days are over, whether he’s right or wrong on this baby thing.

I left a message on Andy’s machine about the little trip we’re gonna take.

The more I think about it, the more I’m pissed off at myself for letting Andy read my journals. How fucking embarrassing and what a way to strip myself of privacy when it comes to journaling. He’s never gonna let me live down certain stupid things I’ve written.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1996 I certainly haven’t been writing much lately, have I? I’ve been busy with that computer journal project.

The work on the roof is coming along well and we hope to hell it’ll be done by tomorrow. Tom planned on the roof being done yesterday, but I told him I had a vibe telling me there’d be a setback, and sure enough, he did run into a problem. Guess I’m still right on some things I foresee.

I’m not at all surprised Ma included “psychic powers” on her little do-not-discuss list. I should’ve known that’d scare her and that she’s not at all open-minded about shit like that.

Anyway, I didn’t wake up at all today during the time he was working on the roof and I barely remember being woken up once yesterday. The day before, I woke up a few times but quickly fell back asleep.

See? There’s a big difference when you’re woken up by something at home and when you expect it and know how long it’ll last.

I still don’t dig the idea of being woken up for months due to a screaming baby and that’s something that goes on and on and you can’t quickly go back to sleep. You have to get up with it for a half-hour to an hour constantly. Well, I need not worry, but if I ever do, I’ve still got a long time yet.

Tom and I figure that the cycle began when I had those two full-period days. Therefore, I can expect a period in two weeks. I have a very, very weird feeling that I won’t see a period for a while, but since I know better, I am constantly telling myself, "You’re gonna get your period, you’re gonna get your period, you’re gonna get your period…"

This way I won’t get caught up in dreams and lose touch with reality. Reading back on my journals is a sad reminder of how I can’t have any pre-thought-of dreams and I wouldn’t even get my hopes up if I missed a few periods. Not with the way things are too good to be true. Not with the way I’ve made a fool out of myself in the past by getting all hopeful and positive.

Tom still says I won’t weigh what I weigh now on my birthday. Even if I conceived around October 1st, that’s only about two months. Then again, I probably would weigh around 108 from water.

Oh, Mystery, stop dreaming, will you?!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1996 Tom just got up. We can't have sex till Tuesday cuz he's gonna be working on the roof till Monday. It's OK, I told him. I understand it needs to be done and is our top priority. So far, the work he's doing on the roof looks great and is going great.

Still no package from Kim. She must've gotten tied up and wasn't able to mail it out when she said she was going to. Of course, there's always a fear of it being misdelivered.

I've got about 9 journals decapped, spell-checked, capped, and proofread, but there's been a problem with something taking up so much memory, that I can no longer save my work as I go along. Tom's still trying to figure this one out, but hey, there's always a problem with I do some type of project on the computer.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1996 I haven’t written as much due to my being rather busy. Right now I’m sprawled out on the bed cuz my ass is sore from sitting at the computer. You’d think, though, my ass wouldn’t be sore, as I’ve got enough fat to cushion it. Now I’m usually weighing 104. Something really got all fouled up during my last wacky period, since nothing else has changed with me. Not necessarily anything wrong, but obviously I have a severe case of water retention now. I expect my period in a day or two, so maybe then my water weight will subside.

This is weird, yet wonderful. Well, I haven’t heard next door at all. I mean, not at all. Not even soft bass thumping as they come and go and yes, the Jeep is there. I’ve seen it parked there. Well, Tom’s on vacation this week, so hopefully they’ll stay quiet and not bug us.

I went to Andy’s last night and I finished the cat.

He’s got the printed version of journals 1-20. How fucking embarrassing!

I never did get Kim’s package yet.

Tom perfected the de-capping system and here are the 4 steps I go through with the journals. First, I de-cap it and turn it into all small letters. Then I check the spelling, then I cap it (words like I’ll, I’m, I, and letters after periods). Then I proofread it and cap any names or song titles the spell check may not pick up and correct any typos.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1996 Gloria's gonna be on HBO in a couple of weeks. On the 21st, I think. I'll have to check it out and see how she's looking these days. At least I'll get a dynamic performance from her with lots of great songs.

Starting next Wednesday, the season premiere of Law & Order begins. I had given up on the show for a while, but the last one was so good, that I may check it out again for a while.

Gosh, I really really wish we'd gotten the de-cap thing all squared away. Tonight would've been a great night to play with it and I'm in the mood to do so. Well, it'll all be squared away when I'm either not in the mood for it or am busy with something else.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1996 I realized something and that is that this is the longest stretch of time I’ve gone without feeling like I’m gonna panic just cuz I can’t have a kid. Also, it’s still such a good feeling to have us both cumming.

I never heard next door blast in, but there was a light on over there when I last looked over there. I guess Mike never came home. I hope they broke up. Better yet, I hope he’s in jail and will stay there for a very long time.

In back of this book is a listing of all the local radio stations and what they’re all about. Tom got it for me out of his mom’s paper.

Last night I did 3 drawings. A shitty one of a woman, an OK one of a cat, and a fairly good one of Norah. I redecorated the walls in here and made room in another spot in the music room for wall art. I’d like to possibly do a Queen Ann palm tree. We also still want to paint over some of my shittier and older wall art so I can redo stuff there.

We’ve got the EC on now since it’s cooled down tremendously. It’s so humid in here, though. Even this book’s pages are rippled due to the moisture in the air, but they’ll straighten out when it’s gone.

Can’t wait to get Kim’s package. Hope it comes tomorrow.

The symptoms are back again. I’m not moody, but I’m peeing frequently and my tits are definitely bigger. I’m 3 or 4 inches bigger all around than I should be. Meaning, I didn’t just recently get bigger, but I do need to lose 3 or 4 inches all over and firm up. I don’t know why my tits have grown. Maybe it’s water or just cuz I’m older, but I hope they don’t get any bigger. Already my clothes don’t fit right. That’s why I always liked small ones. Clothes fit better and you can get away with no bra which is a pain in the ass and you don’t have to worry about bouncing all over. I’m still hanging in at 102 and I assume the reason I feel all bloated and all that is cuz I’ve got PMS. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, Tom’s working on writing a macro so I can de-cap documents that are all capped.

Later…

OK, why I’m now 103 and sometimes even 104 is really a mystery to me that’s pissing me off. I can’t be pregnant, so why? I should’ve dropped a pound or two seeing how I peed 5 times in the last hour.

Anyway, I talked to Andy earlier. He has no energy to see me tonight, but maybe tomorrow night.

Tom says he wants the new roof on and done by Monday. He’s gonna have to be working on it during the weekend whether I’m asleep or not. So God, please compensate me with something nice seeing how I’ll no doubt be dog tired.

I hope his racket won’t encourage next door to raise hell, but they may just do so anyway. I hate to think of how rowdy they’ll be on New Year’s Eve since they really lived it up on Labor Day. I doubt they’ll be here then. I think there’ll be new people there every year or two and they seem like the type to be there closer to a year, rather than two years.

After we get the de-capping system up to par, I’m gonna de-cap all the journals I typed with all caps. Then I’ll cap it and I’ll cap it like it normally does when I type with all small letters. All I’ll have to cap manually are names, places and first letters in the first words that begin each paragraph. Then I’ll choose different fonts for each journal, then I may very well go through and proofread them since there are a million typos and I may reprint them, too.

Well, I think I’ll go type Minnie a letter. After that, I may watch TV or something, but I’ll figure out something to do.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1996 Here they come. I saw the kids using their monkey bars. With the weather cooling down, I’m sure that’ll be a regular sight. And they can see over into other yards too, so, so much for privacy as well as peace.

I still can’t get past level 12 on Jezzball, so Tom’s trying to beat that now. I told him he won’t beat that.

Later…

My typed version of the journal excerpts came out weird. I guess the capping system reversed itself cuz the first word of every second sentence in every paragraph is small. So he’ll get a letter with all caps, except for that. I wish I could de-cap stuff I typed with all caps. Anyway, I realized my excerpts of the edits were a bit too long. Meaning each subject is too long. So I went and shortened a new version for practice just like I had cut down my edit tapes.

Tom didn’t beat level 13 and I still can’t either. It’s really weird cuz 98% of the things I practice, I improve on, but I’m stuck in a rut with this game.

Earlier I felt like I had period cramps, but who knows what I really felt? I have no bleeding, but I took an ibuprofen to ease it, anyway. My guess is that I’ll get a period (normal or not?). In about 4 days. I just can’t seem to get my weight below 100 and I haven’t eaten much, either. I’m usually a steady 102 and I’m usually feeling quite bloated. I feel as if my tits have grown a bit and he noticed, too, when I asked him.

Tom and I had a fun night. We chatted and fooled around and he’s all psyched up due to having success with a computer project.

It’s beautiful outside now, even though it’s thundering and lightning a little and raining, too.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1996 OK, time to catch up. We didn’t go to the Grand Canyon the other day cuz my schedule just couldn’t match up, but we’ll go one of these days.

Meanwhile, we had a fun and productive weekend. We screwed and yes, he got off.

We went swimming and to see his mom. He went over there by himself on Sunday to mow her lawn and take her to and from church.

He also worked on getting the frame ready for the sound block that’s to go in the living room window.

I talked with Andy and he played me a message he got from a certain person we used to know. When we worked together at Denny’s in Chicopee, there was a cook there named Jayke. She was a great cook and a nice person, but a bit delusional as she’d claim to be able to contact some spirit of a dead rock singer and other witchy things. She reminds me of Al Loomer. She was one of those who appeared both with it and not with it. Few people are like that. They either seem with it or they don’t. She was what I describe as a stable-acting fuck-up. Anyway, Jayke said she hasn’t talked to Andy in so long, has been thinking of him and would like to talk to him.

Every now and then Kim sends a package of goodies to me of stuff she doesn’t want, but that she doesn’t want to just ditch, either. She says she’s sending a few sleep shirts she doesn’t want and a journal and a couple of expired cat calendars. She says the journal’s blue with silver Victorian geometrical designs. If it’s what I’m thinking of, it’s gonna be a rather dull-looking journal and Kim has dull taste for the most part. If so, though, I’ll make and design my own cover as I did with the one Andy gave me that he found in the dumpster.

She says the cat calendars have really cool pictures in them. One’s pocket size and the other’s a bigger hardcover book.

Later…

Tom just called from work to tell me he’ll be working a little late, so don’t worry. He’ll be home in 1½ hours.

I still have no desire at this time to contact my parents. Our letters to each other were obviously a waste of time and we’ll never see eye to eye with each other. Neither of us is comfortable with each other and we’re just too different to ever get along and right now, I just want to associate with Larry whenever, associate with Tammy as little as possible and not associate with any other family member.

A couple of days ago I got a letter from Kim and she enclosed a Bob letter that said how worried he was over me. Remember? I was supposed to be missing. He should’ve gotten my letter last Friday as if nothing at all went wrong and Kim and I both will carry on with our plans. We know nothing about it. I’m also doing something a little different for Bob that he least expects. See, he knows and expects lines like the rooms being on fire and all that, so it’s nothing new to him if I wrote mumbo jumbo. However, I thought of a neat way to be weird and make him wonder, yet still make sense. What I’m doing is I’m taking excerpts from different journals on the computer and putting them into one file and editing a letter for him that way. This way I’ll be making sense, but he’ll wonder who the hell I’m talking about and when the hell I’m talking about and where the hell I’m talking about.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1996 There’s still no sign of baby Measles, but Measles has shown up here and there.

All’s OK with next door this weekend. So far. And I repeat, so far. Last night, though, someone came blaring in to see them at 9:30, then left two minutes later, probably to buy drugs.

Tom says he thinks a teenager lives there and sees her leave for the school bus every morning.

I pulled my master oldie tapes and redubbed them since I’ve gotten so many on CDs. I shrunk them from 3 tapes to 2 tapes. I had to use Tom’s tape deck, though, cuz as God would have it, my tapes don’t record too well. They’re much softer and a bit distorted, but that beats having everything too soft due to a wimpy system. Also, it’s good that I’m not as into recording/editing as I used to be.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1996 Last night was a disaster as far as sex was concerned. I have a couple of theories as to why what happened, happened. It’s either one of them or both, I guess. We just couldn’t get him inside me. He claimed I moved too much, so that was why he couldn’t get in there. The first time I moved too much, but I was pretty sure I stood still the second time around to let him do the lining up. Both times, though, after I got him hard by hand, it seemed he deflated as soon as he tried to get in there. I thought maybe he was worried about me or got scared at the possible close call we might have had, but he claimed he was fine. During all this, I could’ve sworn I felt a presence in the room, but who knows what it was? All I can say is that it didn’t agree with what we were doing. It didn’t agree with us having fun and it certainly didn’t agree with us making a kid, either. Well, I’m still sure a kid will never be made by us, but Tom was telling me beforehand not to nag him and let him be him sexually cuz he has no control over what happens in bed. He also told me that the reason why I feel cursed and like things go in cycles is cuz I decide too much in my mind. He says saying something will or won’t be, won’t prevent good results, but it can lead to bad results or no results. I don’t agree with that one. Not when there’s been plenty of times I said I would and that I wouldn’t be a singer and I still ended up not being a singer.

The other possibility as to what happened was that he decided to tease me for saying I was worried once again about our sex life going back to its old ways and he deliberately made sure he couldn’t get inside me so I’d feel frustrated, embarrassed, and not good enough as a little payback. Maybe he’s gonna make sure, if he can, that things don’t go my way or our way if I say they won’t or probably won’t, just to get me to stop bitching or worrying out loud so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Perhaps that’s it. Perhaps he’s got more control over the situation than he’ll ever admit and he won’t get off more often till and if I talk more positively or not at all.

Well, I still say, welcome back to the good old times. Meaning, I won’t be the least bit surprised if we have to wait another couple of years for him to get off again. Then maybe I’ll have another 3-week period, then just as my body’s able to “hook” he won’t cum again for another couple of years. All I can say is that I hope to hell I’m wrong and that all works out OK and that we have a kid and that he continues to cum regularly enough. I want to have the control over him that he has over me and make him get off regularly cuz I’m good enough to do so. Still, I can’t help but think that this is just a dream. Just like with the singing, just like with the woman, just like with other things I’ve really wanted. While I’m blessed with enough things to be thankful for, I asked myself, has God ever given me something that I’ve really, really wanted bad? No. I always wanted to move out here, but not as bad as I wanted to sing, to have a woman, to have a kid, to quit smoking, to get on a steady schedule. There really is a definite pattern. If God blesses me with anything wonderful, it’s stuff I never thought about. I wanted to move out here, but not as much or as often as I wanted the other things. I never thought about marrying a guy, computers, drawing and lots of other things I didn’t really set out to do that are still nice gifts/blessings. I’m blessed with being in a house and out of poverty, but I never thought of having this due to a guy I was married to. I’m blessed with no longer having to play bus or beg for rides, but again, I never thought it’d be in the way that it is. I’ve no regrets about the way that it is and it was a wonderful surprise, but once again, I ask the same question I’ve been asking all my life: Am I ever gonna get something I dream of and think of and want really, really bad? Since I do believe that God compensates and gives if he takes, this could be a good sign. I haven’t seen Measles today and I haven’t seen Baby Measles for days, so maybe, just maybe, this is a sign that I shall be given something. But will it be something I really want bad? Something I’ve dreamt of and thought of for a long time? Or will it just be a new bird that I consider a favorite? Or is it cuz I got the stereo of my dreams that he took these birds? Believe it or not and regardless of my fears of going back in time sexually and who knows how else, I still do have a good feeling for this next year. A feeling of a major change, too, and babies do bring that. Still, I’m afraid to dream and to hope, but the different feelings I feel are what I feel (both good and bad) and there’s no changing or denying them.

Later…

I just took a quick dip in the pool and that thing sure is cooling down. Right on time, though. It cools down right about now every year.

There’s still no sign of either Measles out there, but we’ll see. It is a weird coincidence that 2 out of my 3 favorite birds have disappeared. Who knows if they’re dead, sick of me, or if God did take them and is about to give me something else in exchange? I just want him to stop picking at me and keeping me in a rut and holding me back. I want him to be fair and show that he can love us enough to bless us with the gift of a child as he’d do with any murderer. Perhaps people would think that’s selfish as I’m sure there are plenty of people out there with pasts worse than mine and with little or no blessings or skills, but this is just how I honestly feel. I don’t think a child is asking for much. I think that’s a perfectly normal and human request, compared to asking God to dump millions of 100-dollar bills on our lawn.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1996 Yesterday I got 3 new CDs from the record club. The Village People, Paul McCartney, and Alice Cooper.

As far as next door goes, they may give us another wave of peace that’ll hopefully be longer.

When I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday, I heard bass thumping. It wasn’t loud, but it was a little obnoxious. So, as I went to peek out the door, he saw me and said, “Yeah, I’m pulling out.”

So then I told him, excluding holidays, I appreciate how he’s been keeping it down overall and would like him to keep it that way, stressing the “keep” part. Like, don’t you fucking get it yet, freeloader?

Minnie called last night. She had the second kid she didn’t want or deserve.

Later…

I got a hold of Tammy and told her that I don’t go by hearsay and asked her to her face if she told Mom that I told her of my past sexual problems with Tom and she said no. She said they mainly discussed things in general, but that the only things they discussed relative to that was whether or not I could conceive due to my past and the DES. Due to my past? What supposedly happened in my past besides the DES that could have sterilized me? Is she talking about the years of medications? I didn’t ask, but oh well. I still think that DES or not, it’s God. Right now, for example, I’m kind of bored and I could be putting this time and energy into caring for a child, but God said no. God said I must remain purposeless with no destiny.

Tammy says that whatever I choose to do about Mom and Dad won’t affect us as sisters, but I don’t know. I feel like she’s pressuring me to do what they want and fuck what I want and like she’s never gonna get off my case if I don’t have more to do with them than just send cards for special occasions. She goes on and on with how they supported me for years and I never denied that, but look at all the shit I’ve gotten in the midst of all that supposed support. Just cuz they’ve done things for me doesn’t give them the right to try to control me into being what they want me to be. I mean, my mother gave birth to me, but that doesn’t make a lot of the things she did to me OK.

I tried to tell Tammy that all I wanted to know is if she told Mom what I told her or not, not for her to keep this 3-way bullshit going and gang up on me with Mom and Dad and on and on. It’s my loss, she says, but I see it as my gain if I have little or no contact with them, cuz I’m sick of the bullshit. I don’t want to get involved any longer with the types of people that expect me to kiss their asses.

What if I did make it as a singer tomorrow? It’s kind of sad to know that my own mother wouldn’t want to know about it and that she wouldn’t give a shit. If I had a baby, she wouldn’t want to know about it. What kind of a mother says that to her child? What kind of mother doesn’t say to their kid, “I know it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault, but I’m sorry you’re sterile.” Instead, she acts like she couldn’t care less and tells me not to mention it. There’s no support or anything. She could never come out and tell me that if I needed to talk, bitch, or cry about it, to call her and that she’ll be there for me as a listening ear and support me.

Tom said that when the kid he still thinks we’re gonna have is born, why not send a birth announcement, cuz then the ball’s in her court?

I don’t think so. If they can’t give a damn about me, I can’t give a damn about them or putting anything in their court. I don’t want to associate with those who are only proud of me when I’m saying and dressing and being what they want me to be. Tammy said it’s not like they’re telling me I can’t ever sing or that I should cut my hair off, etc. That’s true, but I still can’t ever feel comfortable associating with those who want me to be what they want and who lie and act like they couldn’t care less about any problems or anything that matters to me. They’d sympathize with me if I had an accident and had to have surgery, but they sure as hell don’t give a fuck about sterilization, cuz they don’t think I should have a kid.

Tom doesn’t think I should smoke, but he still accepts me for who and what I am. He isn’t just there for me if it’s something he agrees with. He doesn’t try to change me or tell me not to talk about something he doesn’t care about or can’t relate to. Tom says you can’t compare spouses to daughters and parents, but still, if you really love someone as a friend or a family member, you let them be themselves. You let them know you care and are there for them if there’s a problem with sterility or anything else. You let them talk about what makes them happy as much as they want or need to. You don’t just take the parts of them you like. Everyone has what others see as their ups and downs and when you love someone as a friend, spouse or daughter, you take the whole package deal. Not just the parts you like and or agree with.

Tammy still thinks that just cuz they’re my parents, who weren’t perfect, who did a lot of things wrong yet still love me, I should just give them what they want. Oh, either way, they’ll get what they want cuz I’m not discussing something with someone who doesn’t give a shit. Who would want to discuss something that someone said they didn’t want to hear? If there was a whole new problem going on with us that was similar to sterility, I wouldn’t discuss it with them, regardless of whether I thought they’d agree, care, or understand cuz there’s no trust there. Absolutely no trust. I wrote the letters I did for her and Dad, not for her to discuss with Tammy. If mom or dad really needed to talk about it and felt they couldn’t talk to me, they should’ve talked to each other. They’ve betrayed me and I could never trust them with anything personal.

Later…

I just had the weather channel on and there’s a big hurricane that’s gonna really slam the hell out of Georgia and the Carolinas. It looks like it’s gonna miss Florida. This one’s almost like Hurricane Hugo was in ‘89 and I see lots of death and destruction, unfortunately. This one’s Hurricane Fran.

I’m still not sure if I like the idea of Andy reading my journals. Not just cuz of any embarrassment I’d feel, but due to the fact that I won’t feel like my writing is private and something I do for me and for me only. Oh well, we’ll just wait and see what happens with that.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1996 Yup, next door had a party yesterday. It wasn’t the worst party, but it’s not something I enjoyed either. There wasn’t any ball-playing, but they barbecued, and for about 3 hours I had to sit and listen to their music. Tom considered it a reasonable volume and I considered it almost a reasonable volume. He’s probably right when he says I’d have slept through the whole thing and their company too, but I know this is when they’re gonna lose it. I figured they would sooner or later, but I’ll bet they’re gonna use Tom’s hammering as the perfect excuse to blast off at least twice a day. Tom says it was only cuz it was a holiday, but I doubt this. He also says that if they wanted to do it out of spite, they’d have never turned it down the time they did and that it’s just a matter of if they remember to turn it down. Yeah, kids do tend to have a very short-term memory. He says it’s still 50/50 as to what’s gonna happen with them in a week or two or a month. Well, I know the answer to that, but Tom says he’ll take care of whatever he has to. Good, cuz if he doesn’t, I will, but I do know I can trust him to do so.

He did something weird this morning that he’s never done that I know of before (the dude next door). He left at around 8:30 and I could hear some bass, but it was reasonable and when he came back I never heard him. The only way I knew he was back was cuz I went to stick my mail out. I’d assume that he’s gonna leave again for work any time now, so we’ll see. For the most part, though, it’s been like the garage door or a big airplane. I hear them when I’m up, but they don’t wake me up. That’s also how it usually is with Tom’s snoring.

I just hope to hell they don’t get any louder and that for the most part, I don’t know when they’re home or not, but I know that’s wishful thinking. God’s not gonna let me go so long in peace. It’s time now. It’s time for God to sic the noise on me and who knows how many times it’ll be so loud that I get woken up?

A part of me wishes they’d move. I don’t want them to cuz they’re not home most of the time and I do want them to cuz of the bass. Hell, I’d take kids and dogs over that bass, cuz the fan can drown them out and they can’t wake me up. Well, I’m sure they will move soon enough. Especially if they’re renting. Also, there’s something about that house that keeps it turning over. This is family number 3 to be there since we got here, so I’m sure we’ve got at least 5 more to go through before we’re out of here.

I’m sure most of us have lots of questions about the future we’d like answered for our peace of mind. Or to prevent or deal with a future bad thing in a better way, but if there are only two things I could ask right now it’d be to know the date of the day we do move and when I’ll get pregnant if I ever do. Will we really move before the turn of the century? Will we really have a kid in 1997? Of course, I could go on and on from there. Will I ever quit smoking? Will I have the baby by C-section if I do have one? Will I ever get on a schedule and if we have a kid, will I ever sleep a full 8 hours again and how often will I be able to do so? Will I really be a good mom and be able to handle it? Will a child strain our marriage?

God, we better be compensated with something good to come! Like I said, we’ve paid our dues. If I’m not gonna be able to sleep and if I’m gonna have to listen to noise, can’t it be my own child’s? I’m tired of having to not sleep for others. I’m tired of listening to other people’s noise.

I ended up being up 21 hours yesterday and didn’t fall asleep till around 8:30, cuz the freeloaders had me so damn nervous. I envy Andy since he has no driveway right outside his bedroom window. He has other noise to deal with, though. He said he hears a baby across the street crying, there are barking dogs there too, and street noise, since he lives on the corner of a main drag.

What am I gonna do? Tom says I have nothing to worry about, but I know better. You think God’s gonna allow them to keep the music down and that they’re not gonna say, what the fuck? I don’t think so. Besides, even if God and them did keep their music down, there’d be something else.

If God has any fairness at all in him, he’d let us have a kid. We’ve been through enough and we deserve it. The problem is that God doesn’t give to those who try and to those who earn and deserve things. It’s just the opposite. If he does reward or compensate deserving people, it’s usually with something nice, but not necessarily something they really, really want. I wish Nervous or Tom’s dad could go to God and say, “Give them a break! Have things be stable and peaceful around their house and keep them financially OK and just let them have the kid they want and deserve,” but again, it doesn’t work that way. I haven’t prayed to God in ages, either, cuz I know that’d make things worse. I’m only saying this out of past experience, too.

Later…

As far as I know, the guy next door is still there - nope - wait a minute - yeah! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God! The guy next door just left very, very very quietly!

Tom says he thinks she doesn’t work, but I think she’s got to or else I’d think I’d hear her or her kid or music coming from the house. Also, Mike did say, when we met, that they needed a babysitter. I doubt she could hear my music if she was there, cuz Tom and I tested the other one up full blast and even though it was softer, he was sure they couldn’t hear it. So, even if this one’s louder, it won’t be louder than theirs, it’s not outdoors and I’m gonna go test it right now, anyway, no matter what.

Later…

I love it! The new stereo is great. I can hear my softest stuff really well. I hope no one was over there to hear it, but if they were, tough shit.

I’m trying to decide whether or not to do any cleaning since he’s still got work to do around here. I guess I will. There’s no use in letting it build up.

Later…

I’ve got a good update on next door (hopefully), but first I want to copy in the letter I received from my parents and this time, I’ll correct their spelling and punctuation.

Dear Jodi,

All is well with Dad and I. We are coming to the end of our hot summer and looking forward to a busy season at the store. We are also on guard during the hurricane season. We stock up on extra water, candles, batteries, etc. Heidi at 16, Max at 11 and Chicken at 5 are all doing well.

We received a very nice note from Tom’s mom. It’s nice that you help her.

We enjoyed the visit with Tammy, Bill and the girls. They are growing into lovely young ladies. They all swim like fish.

Just got through watching the weather report over Phoenix. Guess you had a lot of hail, lightning and rain. Through the summer we get afternoon storms that sometimes can get quite severe.

Hope Tom is happy with his work.

Now it’s time to answer your letter and clarify my feelings. This will be the only time I will do this. There will be no further discussion either by mail or phone.

I will no longer read by mail or listen by phone to the following from you: weight, hair, singing, your past, babies, sex, the difference between you and Tammy, dancing full or part-time, revenge, psychic powers, able to beat up anyone.

As your mother these are my terms. Remember I said no further discussion, this letter is final. Now the rest is up to you. There are hundreds of subjects to write or talk about. Should you care to phone on a monthly basis, do so with Tom, we would enjoy speaking to him too. Remember - I do love you Mom

Then Dad wrote:

Dear Jodi,

Mom’s letter speaks for me too. It’s time to grow up and live the future. Let’s enjoy what’s ahead, not what’s behind.

Love, Dad

Sex? Sex?! What is she - delusional? I never have and never would discuss sex with my parents. Certainly not as an adult. There’s no way in hell I’d feel comfortable doing that. The only people I’ve ever discussed it with are Andy, Kim and Tammy.

I think I know what happened. That fucking sister of mine, who’s got a mouth as big as Mom and Dad’s, told them of our past sex life and she included sex for Tammy. I’ll ask Tammy about it tomorrow, but who knows if she’d admit to discussing it with them if she did. If she says she did, I’m gonna tell her flat out she betrayed me, the trust is gone and so am I. I’m so sick of these lying, exaggerating, controlling, selfish, jealous parents and sister of mine! I swear I’m getting closer and closer to just up and walking away. I’m not gonna associate with someone on their terms and their terms only. Tom suggested that since I can’t be myself or talk about my interests or what’s going on in my life, why not have a relationship on a courtesy level and just send cards for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I don’t know about that. I’ve had all I can and will take of these people.

When she mentions the “able to beat someone up part,” she’s probably talking about the time I mentioned that in Marty’s letter, but I don’t know. I just don’t know.

If I’ve ever mentioned the “difference between Tammy and I,” it was only a couple of times in reference to my desire to be treated equally to her and Larry.

I don’t know why the dancing’s a big deal, either, cuz it never was “in the past,” but I’m surprised she left out the birds, pig, and the drawing on her little Do Not Discuss list. It’s my guess that she forgot to include the drawing.

I’ve just had it with these be-what-I-want-you-to-be people. I’m sick of all these conditions. And dad tells me it’s time to “grow up?” What have I said that’s so immature? Is it immature to sing, to want a child?

Parents are supposed to be sympathetic to any sterile child of theirs, but we all know how much she hates kids, anyway. Parents are supposed to listen to, enjoy something that makes their kid happy and encourage it. Not demand they shut up about it just cuz they may not like it, not care about it or cuz they’re jealous.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1996 It sure seems like the summer went by fast. Another month or so and we’ll be able to see just how chaotic it’ll get next door. They’ve still been quiet, so I think they’re gonna move soon.

I have lots to tell and it’s basically good stuff. As I knew I would, I did end up getting a full period. Tom still says, though, that my body had to go through “the change” and that my body can hook a baby now. He says that I’ll “get hooked” this month and that I should have no period in October. He said he’s so sure of it that if I have a period in October, I can let him have it and rub in his face just what I think of God and how Robin’s a liar. I don’t know, though. He’s only cum twice since he began cumming in early July with a few small orgasms too, and we don’t get to have sex that much. So, who knows if we’ll even be able to have sex enough or if he’ll cum enough. I still worry at times, that he’ll go back to not cumming at all.

He says he really does believe that a child is a gift from God and that we’ll get our gift, but I still can’t imagine God ever blessing us with such a gift. Like I’ve said before, if he can bless murderers with such a gift, why should he give people like us such a gift? I asked him if he thought God would write off my existence if I asked him to and he said no cuz it’s his job to take care of the world. Well, then why isn’t he doing so? Why are there so many natural disasters and crimes? And so much unfairness? How can he say he’s taking care of the world by allowing 12-year-olds to get pregnant? Teen pregnancies, fires, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, wars, rapes, murders - that’s taking care of the world?

I wish I could speed up time and have it be next month or the month after that to see what’ll be going on. Or at least take a peek a couple of months up the road, but I can’t. All I can do is wait. Sometimes it’s like two voices are at a tug of war with each other in my mind. One says, “Maybe there’s hope. Maybe he’ll keep cumming and maybe this two-week weird and very different ordeal is a sign of a good change to come.” The other voice says, “Don’t do it. Don’t be a sucker and a stupid silly fool again. You know you won’t have a kid and that things will be the same year after year. Don’t hope and don’t dare to dream.”

Anyway, I think we’ve well paid our dues and do deserve a child. We’re now financially caught up and with his dad dying and with my life being the same and so empty and hopeless feeling for so long, we should get a kid as compensation, but I know God doesn’t work that way. Yes, he compensates us and I’m a firm believer in compensation due to personal experience, but he doesn’t compensate me with what I consider to be the ultimate dream which I’ve dreamt beforehand. Tom is first best, but his case doesn’t count, cuz he’s not something I dreamt of having. He happened, he’s first best, and I’d never want to live without him.

My second-best dreams were to quit smoking and get on a schedule, but when I say the ultimate dreams I’ve had, I’m talking about the singing career, the woman and the kid. I’ve no regrets about him taking the singing career since I don’t care for the lifestyle that goes with that. Also, I’ve no regrets about him taking the woman. I may find women attractive here and there, but I’m attracted to Tom more than enough and he’s got the qualities as a person that I’ve always wanted when it comes to relationships. God did give me my dream of Arizona, but if he took two, he should give two. He took the singing and the woman, so if I’ve got Arizona, can’t I have the kid too, which makes two? It seems like that should be fair enough with God cuz for every 10 things I’ve wanted, big or small, I’m lucky if I got one of them and I think it’s usually 4 or 5 things out of 10 for most people that they get. Then there are some people like Gloria who get it all.

I didn’t get caught up on my sleep till tonight. Tom’s snoring woke me up last night and I haven’t done anything like send the kind of letter I did to Marty, so I hope that my losing sleep for a while there and the 2-week long period really is compensation for a good thing to come.

I may have already got what God considers a just compensation, though, last night. I got up at 12:30 and Tom was up. I had cramps, took an Ibuprofen and he said he had a present for me that might make me feel better. Oh, it did all right! Tom traded in that other JVC stereo for a Samsung that is so much more powerful and so much nicer! Oh, it’s so nice to be able to hear old albums of Linda’s from 1967 really well without having to turn it all the way up. The other one was a stupid mistake on my part as it was just so wimpy. I’d have Linda’s old CDs cranked to the max, sit right by the speakers and still not hear it too well. I also didn’t like how the CD was so slow and how you had 3 separate drawers to put the CDs in where you’d have to check each drawer to remember and see what was in each one. This one’s a carousel so I can see all 3 CDs at once. The CD scanner is faster, and it’s got a lighted control panel so I can see the CD track number and the timing of the song. If the first 20 seconds of a song is boring, I can skip over it by hitting the scan button and releasing it as it hits the number 20. If I needed to tape CDs for someone, I could see how long each song was so I could fit it on the tape better without running out of room.

It’s got dual-cassette and they don’t scan by allowing me to hit play and fast forward at the same time or play and rewind at the same time, but it’s got optional high-speed dubbing. I would’ve loved to have had that when I was really into taping. It’s good to have, though.

It also has a clock, a timer, pre-set radio stations, Program, Intro scan, and a remote. We didn’t get the remote, though, cuz Tom got the model, which was missing the remote, but that’s OK. I can’t see myself using a remote since I always sit right by it and I can always use the program thing to program out the songs I don’t like. That’s what I used to do before when I’d be in there writing. That way I didn’t have to keep jumping up to skip over shitty songs.

I’m just so glad to have a stereo with functions I like and with power and volume. Now I can not only play all the CDs that were problematic on the old box, but I can hear all the older and softer stuff just fine.

Tammy and I were teasing each other about who’s got the better stereo and it was nice to have her sounding like my sister again and not my mother, I told her. I also told her I was glad Mom and Dad opted not to call cuz I just don’t want to get caught up in any 3-way shit and deal with the “she said, he said, you said” bullshit.

Last night there was a big storm and luckily it held off till right after I woke up and didn’t knock the power out, but I’m gonna go outside and check things out. My birds should be up now, too.

Later…

Everything looks stable outside and I just fed the birds.

Tom said to wake him up at 8:00 if he isn’t up by then.

Yesterday morning, as tired as we both were, we took Mom’s car for a test drive, since it had been having problems. It didn’t seem like we went just over 80 miles so fast, but we did. We were gone almost two hours, but it felt like we were gone for only an hour cuz once you get out of the city, you can speed up to 75 MPH.

We went out to the open and remote areas of the desert which is supposed to be what most of Arizona is like. We went to a place called New River and Black Canyon City. There were only a few tiny towns along the way, but they weren’t even a mile long. You could drive past them in two minutes. There was a prison out there too, for the worst of offenders, so they could be far enough away from civilization. It was so beautiful with lots of Saguaro and Prickly Pear cactuses.

Bob should’ve gotten Kim’s letter all worried about me and my disappearance and tomorrow, there’ll be mail service again, and I’ll send him a letter as if nothing ever happened and see what he has to say. He’s either been having a shortage of stamps or just not up to writing as I don’t hear from him too often. That’s OK with me, though, as his letters are boring.

Yesterday Tom mowed and did a small grocery run.

I weighed 104 yesterday, so I’m on a little diet. I’m 102 now and I’d like to get down to about 95.

Today he and David are gonna go pick up the wood for the new patio roof and who knows what else we’ll do? Hopefully, we’ll have sex. Right now, though, I’m gonna go get the laundry started.

Later…

Tom’s up now eating his breakfast.

I wonder if next door will have to work today or if they’ll be having a Labor Day party. I just hope to hell that they continue to be quiet and that if God wants me woken up here and there, it’s not due to anything outside of this household.

It’s slightly cool out there now, but it’ll get hot in a matter of hours.

I found a nice little goody in the outside storage closet. A big piece of an old pool cover and since we have no lounges, it’s nice to lay on and cuz it’s plastic, bird duties, and grass wash off it easily and the grass doesn’t go through it and stick me, and neither does the duties.

[bellmo15-blog]

Everything Wrong With BellmoTheGreat Vol 2

-The fact that both this and the original journal were inspired by Cinema’s Sins. Specifically, there videos on Everything Wrong With… THEMSELVES! Because no movie, or person, is without sin. +1

-And speaking of Cinema Sins because I really can’t think of a better time to bring this up, I actually use to love them! Not just them but any other channel that was basically just Cinema Sins but for gaming. You know, ones like Dartigan, Charrii5, GCN, those sorts of people. Normally I’m all for people enjoying what they want but me liking these channels in particular was a sin. +2

-There’s a lot of reasons I stopped watching these channels, from the constant scene manipulation to playing dumb to make things look like they don’t make sense to repeating sins to making bad pop culture references that aren’t sins of what they were sinning to acting like “the books don’t matter” to constantly contradicting themselves (they will sin a movie/game for not explaining anything but then turn around and sin it FOR explaining two much) or in the case of stuff like Cinema Sins Harry Potter videos saying some REALLY creepy stuff like “Hermine isn’t old enough to be hot yet.” (Yes, they ACTUALLY said that in almost all their HP videos, go watch them if you don’t believe me) to thinking they can get away with it because they write themselves of as “satire” as if satire can’t still be criticised and those channels STILL putting actual criticisms in there videos. +3

-That being said, I haven’t been watching channels like Th3Birdman and others like him that do Everything Wrong With videos on Everything Wrong With videos and well, this journal IS an Everything Wrong With on myself so… I guess I can’t really escape this type of content. +4

-I’m still white! But not so white that I don’t know what New Growth means. +5

-I’m 27 years old but I have more than 22 years of gaming experience. Hey, some of us don’t just come out of the womb knowing how to hold a controller. Sometimes we wait until we get a Playstation 2 for Christmas of 2000 before we do. +6

-I was a Playstation kid for most of the 2000’s. Yes, I did have a Gameboy Advanced, Wii and DS but most of my time was spent on either my Playstation 2, Playstation 3 or Playstation Portable. +7

-I had a Playstation 3 over an Xbox 360 and I am not ashamed of that! +8

-I once played a train conductor in my High Schools performance of Goodnight Mister Tom in the beginning of the performance where Willie’s mother sends him off to live with Tom on the train despite that opening never once happening in the original book our play was based on. Trust me, we had to read the book in school, I know! +9

-One time I was asked to help sell beer at a local footy game despite not liking either football or beer. +10

-Also, I’m an Australian who doesn’t enjoy or watch the footy. Yes, that’s a sin! +11

-Inkling Michael exists! +12

-Inkling Michael: Hey screw you! I’m beautiful! Take a sin off for me! -11

-Shiver is my favourite Splatoon girl behind Marina. Yeah you heard me Frye fans who get salty that Shiver has won almost every Splatfest in Splatoon 3 so far! +12

-Hate makes me stronger. Actually, hate makes ALL of us stronger! No really, what a lot of people don’t realize it that prior to dislikes being removed from Youtube they still technically counted as likes and leaving negative comments on a post was usually enough to get that post trending. Hate really does make us all stronger! We are all collectively like the Sith in a Star Wars movie. +13

-The reason review scores don’t have any value to me is actually because it’s pointless to give a score to something that will be subjective to everyone who experiences that! +14

-Same with arguing over what game “deserves” Game of the Year. To me Game of the Year is nothing more than a meaningless title that holds no real value yet everyone is always so determined to lable what they think is the best game of that year period ignoring the fact that again, we all have different tastes and what you consider to be Game of the Year won’t be someone else’s favourite. There’s a good reason I stopped taking this saying very seriously after the 2020 Game Awards where everyone collectively overreacted to The Last of Us Part 2 winning. +15

-I went to my local Pizza Hut once, got sick and had to go to the bathroom and then a few days later the place closed down. I didn’t even put in a complaint or anything, it just happened! So yeah, to everyone in my town who’s sad over that you can blame me for it, kinda. +16

-I have Autism. And despite what some people still think it doesn’t make you stupid. But I still have it so… +17

-Those who think I don’t read any of the source material a game is based on are going to be even more disappointed when I tell them… yeah actually your right. Most of the time at least. +18

-No actually, can I just take this opportunity to vent for a second about something? The books DO fucking matter! The Witcher games would not exist if the books didn’t exist. The Batman Arkham games would not exist if the Batman comics did not exist! Every single Star Wars game ever would not exist if the Star Wars movies didn’t exist! The Simpsons Hit and Run would not exist if the Simpsons Show didn’t exist! Kingdom Hearts would not exist if Disney didn’t! This isn’t really a sin on myself or anything, I just wanted to vent about this because people genuinely think that the source material something is based on “doesn’t matter” or that they need to consult a book just to understand it while also ignoring that these adaptations are just that! Adaptations of already existing stories and characters! And even then, most adaptations you don’t ALWAYS have to consult a book thanks to a little thing you might have heard of called “show don’t tell!” Jesus Fucking Christ, media literacy really IS dead if people say that the books “don’t matter!”

-Prior to Sony removing the option to share videos and clips to Twitter via PS5 I had to censor my swear words even though I don’t have any problem with swear words. Why? Because Sony made it so that it stops you from sharing anything if your post includes a swear. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had to do this! +19

-I’ve managed to piss off both Star Wars fans and Pokemon fans even though I love both those things. +20

-I’ve gotten 2 pics of my sona hypnotized and coiled by Kaa but not one pic of me with Miia or Alice. +21

-I don’t understand Roman Numerals. Or at least I don’t understand ones up to VI. +22

-You can usually tell just how much of a franchsie I actually know just based on how I write some of the descriptions to my commissions. “Junko from Danganropa in an interesting suit designed around the funny bear man from the same series.” HIS NAME IS FUCKING MONOKUMO YOU UNCULTURED SWINE! +23

-Somehow some of the best friends I’ve made in the past 5 years have been artists, some of whom I’ve commissioned several times, yet the most I’ve ever done in terms of actual art is a couple of sketches done on my 3DS that I did in like five minutes. +24

-Someone once tried to insult me on Facebook by calling me a Trump Supporter even though A) They were replying to a comment I made that had nothing to do with Donald Trump, B) I’m not even American and C) Fuck Donald Trump! +25

-Yeah no, I still don’t like Spec Ops The Line. Sorry! +125

-I tweet like a normal weirdo which is clearly an act. +126

-I actually, unironically enjoy Sonic and The Black Knight! It’s a pain to play sometimes if you’re playing this on actual hardware like I do because of the motion controls but I actually have fun with this game. I haven’t played Sonic and the Secret Rings yet but I’m willing to bet I’d enjoy that two. And not just because one of the characters in it is an admittedly really cute genie girl. +127

-Everyone thinks I have a massive love for Shantae which… yeah, I do! Obviously, I’ve made that pretty clear in the past, but in reality, EVERYONE has a massive love for Shantae. +128

-The only Paper Mario game I’ve ever played and have still played was Super Paper Mario. +129

-The Nohrian path in Fire Emblem Fates will forever be superior to the Hoshidens. And let me stop you right there, it’s NOT purely because of Camilla! She’s only a bonus reason. +120

-I once sold my Wii U copies of Mario Kart 8 and Pokken Tournament just because I was getting the Switch versions. Yes, that IS a sin because why the fuck would I do that as someone who’s a Wii U defender! (I DID get those versions back eventually though.) +131

-I have WAY to many games that I’ve brought but have never played! Tearaway, all the Little Big Planet games, the first two Infamous games, Astral Chain, Tokyo Mirage Sessions, Zombi U, the list goes on. +132

-I actually enjoy Detroit: Become Human and Heavy Rain. I still yet to finish Beyond Two Souls and Fahrenheit though. +133

-I’ve failed the Wrong Side of the Tracks mission in Grand Theft Auto San Andreas so much at this point that I can’t even be bothered to do that mission the legitimate way anymore! I always just park the bike on a specific roof, get off and jump onto the train to bust some caps in those gangsters’ asses. +134

-I’m sort of still a brony. Not as much as I use to be in the mid 2010’s but I still have a love for this show. +135

-I still believe that the haters of something can be way, WAY worse than the people who enjoy a thing. There’s a dam good reason I was proud to be a brony for most of the 2010s. +136

-I only got into Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared because of Red Guy. He is my spirit animal! +137

-I was enjoying Little Which Academia up to the point where I was spoiled about a pretty big plot twist around one of the characters via a meme! While I was six episodes in! I have yet to continue watching it because of that meme! +138

-I’ve never made a video game therefor I should probably just shut the fuck up. +139

Sin Total: 139 Sentence: Dante makes it into a Smash Game! (But it’s the 2013 reboot Dante!)

[themultifandomgal]

Scott McCall- Nesting

Over the last week everyone has noticed the change in YN’s behaviour. She went from being calm most of the time to stressing over the smallest of things. It all started when Scott came home and had blood on his shirt, instead of going and taking it off and getting it washed ASAP he made himself a drink, YN wasn’t impressed. Since then things have been getting more intense especially today at the Hale loft, the pack are having a meeting, but instead of sitting and being apart of the group YN is cleaning

“Whats gotten into YN?” Lydia asks Scott

“No idea” Scott sighs “all week she’s been acting weird”

“In what way?” Stiles asks as they all watch YN open up the fridge

“So I told you about the other day after our training session with the new wolves, she went crazy saying that from now on if I have blood on me I can’t enter the house. I know she’s one of us Derek and I don’t know that much about female wolves, but she’s constantly cleaning, every bit of dust or dirt. Just yesterday she changed our bedding, it was changed 3 days ago”

“Could she be going into heat. You know she acts weird around then” Stiles suggests. Derek and Peter look at each other

“No, we’ve dealt with that for the last 3 years. I know what she’s like and this isn’t it”

“Derek, Peter this is disgusting!” YN calls from the kitchen “this cheese went out of date yesterday” YN starts to throw out food causing Peter to sigh

“Scott, your buying us more food”

“Ok something is definitely going on with her” Lydia says crossing her arms

“Derek any idea?” Scott asks

“I think I know, but it’s not my place to say, I don’t actually think she knows herself”

“You’ll find out soon enough” Peter now says to Scott, slightly annoying him that the 2 older wolves won’t say what’s going on.

After the meeting Scott and YN head home, the first thing YN does is go to the couch and move the pillows around

“Ok what’s going on YN?” Scott asks his mate

“What do you mean?”

“Well you’ve been acting weird all week. Your pacing more and cleaning none stop. You smell different as well. Are you feeling ok?” YN looks at Scott with a frown as she thinks

“I guess I’ve been feeling more irritated and disgusted lately, but on the whole I don’t feel ill”

“Derek and Peter seem to know what was wrong, they wouldn’t tell me”

“I mean I was due for my heat last week maybe it’s that?”

“No, when your due for your heat your just tired and hungry. This is different” YN sits down on the couch pulling the blankets off the back of the couch over herself. Scott sits next to her and pulls her into him. YN continues to think about what could be going on, but she can’t figure it out.

The next few days, things are the same. Neither Scott or YN can figure out what is going on, so Scott decided the best thing to do is go and speak to Dr Deaton

“Well YNs pregnant”

“Pardon?” YN says with raised eyebrows

“Your pregnant. Normally in packs this is talked about, but as your pack is a little… different to how they usually work, theres no female wolf to explain all of this to you. Granted Derek or Peter should have, but it may have been a little awkward for them”

“So why am I cleaning all the time?”

“Your nesting YN. I’d say you’ve got another 4 months of pregnancy”

“4 months?” Scott practically yells

“Gestation period is a lot faster than a humans. Anyway. Congratulations both, just be prepared for a lot more nesting and also Scott your going to become a lot more aggressive and protective of YN. You’ll also be sensing the baby in the next week or so”

“Thank you Deaton”

“No problem”

Just as the Dr had said. Over the next week Scott has become a lot more aggressive when any of the other male wolves interacts with YN, and she has been nesting a lot! that’s why they have decided that YN would stay away from pack business for now and Scott would go on his own after dropping YN off at his moms house. Both YN and Scott can’t wait to meet their bundle of joy in a few months time.

[maemelany]

Fixing the Broken (Part 3)

Summary: People say that time heals all wounds. In your case, time made it worse.

You’ve been married to Chris for five years, but his absence spoke louder than his words. After 5 years of trying, you’ve decided that you’ve had enough, and you left him. But Chris doesn’t want to let you go; he doesn’t want to give up on your marriage.

Would he be able to fix what you consider irretrievably broken?

Warnings: Angst, tiny tiny mentions of sex

Word Count: 2.6 k

Pairing : Chris Evans x Reader

A/N: I hope you like this one. I can’t wait for your reactions about this one. I can only imagine what @fallenoutofrose will have to say about Chris’s behavior in this part 😂

Enjoy and let me know if you want me to add you to the tag list

Love x  Mae ❤️

Masterlist 

Prologue , Part 1 , Part 2 Part 4 

“It is better to hope than despair.”

-Lailah Gifty Akita,

You finally knocked. After standing in front of that door for what felt like an eternity now, you finally knocked. Your legs felt like jelly, and your heart was pounding in your chest. You were feeling more anxious than the day of your wedding, and the irony of the situation made you almost laugh. Almost, but not quite. You were about to when Lisa opened the door.

She was as radiant as ever, a big, warm smile on her face. Honestly, it surprised you. You knew that she knew. Now that Chris was back, there was no way Lisa wouldn’t know what was going on. That man told everything to his mother.

Lisa let you in, and you followed her into the living room. The house felt like a second home to you. Actually, it felt more like home than your place with Chris sometimes. There was always something happening here. When you left your house, you almost came here. But you felt like it was unfair to Chris. Lisa was his mom, and her house was his safe place, not yours.

“Chris told me everything. How are you holding up honey, are you okay?” Lisa asked you

Her kindness broke your last defence. Her genuine, motherly concern about you made you feel guilty that you didn’t come to her sooner. Lisa had always been so kind to you, taking you in as her own daughter from the moment Chris introduced you as his girlfriend. Your lips started to shiver as you were trying your best to hold the tears back.

“Oh, honey… please don’t cry.”

She took you in her arms, and you broke into tears. It may have lasted five minutes or an hour; you weren’t sure. These days you were crying so much it was just the new normal.

Your best friend had been a great support to you, but she had to. She was your best friend. Chris’s mom was supposed to be on his side, defending her son’s best interest. Not yours.

“Why didn’t you tell me things were that bad, Y/N?” Lisa asked you

You looked away. Somehow ashamed that you thought Lisa would reject you.

“I … I don’t know. Chris is your son, and…”

“And you’re my daughter. Y/N, you’re family. We all love you!” Lisa said, taking your hands into hers. “Plus, I bet some even love you more than Chris,” Lisa joked.

You laughed, feeling a little bit more at ease now. “I’m sorry…” you whispered.

“Don’t be. I am sorry we didn’t see anything,” Lisa said

You shook your head. It wasn’t their fault. They weren’t responsible, Chris and you were. It was your marriage, after all.

Lisa asked for your version of the story, and you could tell she was trying to be as partial as possible. You hated that you had to put her in that situation. She cringed when you told her Chris didn’t notice you were gone until he went to Carly’s place.

“That boy…” she said, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry, honey,” she said, a sad expression on her face.

“It’s not your fault Lisa. Actually, it’s not even Chris’s fault. I can’t force him to stay married to me,” You said

“You think he feels… forced to be with you?”

You shrugged. “I mean… why else would he be as far away from me as he possibly could?”

Lisa watched you closely. You could tell she wanted to say something but was refraining herself.

“You two should talk. Maybe you could solve this…” Lisa said

“I don’t think us talking would do any good. We tried that yesterday; you should have seen how shi… messy it was”

Lisa tried to hide her smile when you stopped yourself from swearing. “If talking to each other doesn’t work, maybe you should try talking to someone else…” Lisa suggested

You frowned. You didn’t see how Chris and you talking to Lisa would help. Yes, Lisa was a wise woman, but as she said herself, she was your mother both. Knowing Chris, he would take it personally if his mother called his shit out about his marriage. You still remembered what happened the last time Lisa agreed with you instead of Chris. He was salty for days.

“I love you, Lisa, but I don’t think talking to you would fix this,” you gently said

Lisa laughed. “I wasn’t talking about me, honey. I meant a therapist.”

“A therapist? Like couples therapy, you want us to go to couples therapy?” you asked.

Lisa nodded. You never thought about that.

“I thought couples therapy was supposed to happen before couples decide they want a divorce.”

“Not necessarily. It could help you express your feelings in a safe place. And, you decided you wanted a divorce, honey. I don’t think Chris agrees with you.”

You frowned. If Lisa thought the warm smile would help you accept the subtle criticism easier, she was wrong. You were even worse than Chris when it came to being right. 

You loved being right and hated being told that you could have done something wrong, especially in that very particular situation. You were right. You had to be right. It would kill you to realize you were wrong and left the man you loved for nothing.

“Do you think I went too far…” You said, the tears resurfacing

“Oh no,” Lisa immediately told you. “You did what was right for you, and that’s the most important. I can’t even imagine how you must have felt, alone in that big house.”

A huge weight lifted off your shoulders. Secretly you thought people didn’t understand you. You were married to Chris Evans, living what they thought should be a fairy tale. 

Even though you and Chris were what people called a private couple, he would sometimes tell things about you or express his love for you when he was being interviewed. When those things happened, your friends would always send you messages, reminding you how lucky you were. 

They didn’t know how far they were from the truth. Most of the time, you were alone in your bed when you were reading their messages. Alone and lonely. 

People think they know things about your life, your marriage, but they don’t. They would have to walk in your shoes, feel what you daily felt to actually understand.

When you left Lisa’s house, she had convinced you. She made you realize that even though things between You and Chris were pretty bad, your relationship was worth saving, or at least you owed it to Chis and yourself to try. Even if therapy didn’t work, you still owed it to yourself and Chris to end things the most peacefully possible. Before being your husband, he was your friend. You needed at least that friendship to be saved.

Instead of going back to your best friend’s place, you went home. It wasn’t even a conscious decision. You started driving and found yourself taking the way home. Instead of turning back, you continued. You realized waiting wouldn’t help. You’d waited so much already, now was the time to act.

As you opened your front door, you felt submerged with that particular sent. You were home. Despite what you told Chris yesterday, this house was your home. You chose almost every piece of furniture.

 Chris was more than happy to leave it to you; he didn’t understand why you needed so many pillows on the bed or a particular shade of beige for the dining chairs. Instead of explaining everything, you would just ask for his opinion when it was absolutely necessary. Plus, it was hard to decorate a house via FaceTime. 

Thinking of it now, decorating this house helped you manage your loneliness for some time. You were proud of every single room, from your bedroom to the laundry room.

You found Chris and Dodger sleeping on the sofa. You weren’t surprised. The couch was probably Chris’ favorite spot in the whole house. You had your office, and he had this sofa. 

You were tempted to lay next to them. They felt like home. But you didn’t want to wake Chris up. If there was one thing Chris was lacking, it was sleep. You also noticed the dark circles under his eyes yesterday, and the current situation was not helping his sleep deprivation.

When you noticed a few takeout boxes in the room, you knew exactly how to occupy yourself. Chris used to love your cooking. Your skills were definitely better than his, but as your husband liked to say, one cannot be good at everything. You smiled when you remembered how you would tease him about his horrible cooking skills, and he would remind you how messy you were.

Even now, after thirty minutes of cooking, the countertop looked more like a war zone than a kitchen island.

“It smells good.”

You jumped. You didn’t see Chris coming, and now you had tomato sauce all over your blouse.

“Chris! You scared me!” you said, looking at him.

He was leaning against the opposite wall, observing you. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

You looked at him with more attention. He looked less tired. You wanted to say something, but Dodger was all over you before you could open your mouth.

“Hey, baby. I missed you so much,” you said to your dog.

Dodger started to bark. The high pitch he usually reserved to Chris when he was coming back home after long periods of absence.

It broke your heart.

“He missed you,” Chris finally said

You didn’t know what to reply. You didn’t want to say something that would create a hostile environment for the rest of the evening.

“I need to change myself,” you said, showing your now stained blouse.

You were gone before Chris could even blink. Once in your bedroom, you found everything exactly as you left it. You rolled your eyes, mentally asking yourself how Chris could be so organized. And then you realized he wasn’t that organized. It wasn’t just the bedroom that was exactly as you left it. The walking closet and the bathroom were too.

Chris wasn’t sleeping in your room, and you wondered why.

When you went downstairs, you found him making the table.

“I thought I’d made myself useful,” Chris said when he saw you.

You smiled. That was the kind of evening you used to dream about. You and your husband casually sharing dinner together.

Chris was very attentive, serving you wine, asking you if you needed anything. You wished you could be so relaxed. You wished you weren’t about to drop a massive bomb on him.

“Why aren’t you sleeping in our bedroom?”

Your question surprised you both.

“I… I don’t know. It doesn’t seem… right.”

You looked at each other, your eyes saying more than a thousand words. Again, you were reminded how easy it would be to just give in, to just come back. But it would be a temporary relief, one you would only enjoy until he’d decide to leave again.  

It took you the whole dinner, and filling the dishwasher, and watching the first part of a show to gather enough courage and tell Chris you two needed to see a therapist.

It happened before he was about to kiss you. You could feel it in his eyes, the way they became darker, and the way his body leaned closer to yours. You could feel your heart beating faster and the room suddenly feeling hotter than before.

You wanted to give in, you missed his touch, you missed his kisses. You missed sex with your husband. But you knew it would make things more difficult. Sex had never been a problem in your relationship. Actually, it made you forget about the problems. You couldn’t remember how many times you were on the verge of telling Chris you weren’t happy with the situation and totally forgot about it the minute his hands were on you.

“No,” you said, standing up.

You started walking around the room, trying to compose yourself. It was frustrating how all your perfect, well-prepared plans got ruined the second you were around Chris.

“Y/N,” Chris whispered.

“No, we are not having sex!” you half screamed.

You needed to convince not only Chris but yourself that you were not having sex tonight. But looking at him, looking at him, looking at you made things very hard, literally and figuratively speaking.

“We’re going to therapy,” you quickly said

Chris blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

You cleared your throat. “I said, we are going to therapy.”

You could tell he was surprised. You didn’t know if it was good or bad.

“Y/N… I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

It was your turn to be surprised. You opened your mouth but closed it immediately after. You wanted Chris to explain himself before jumping to conclusions.

“With how public we are and…”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” you said, anger quickly possessing your whole body.

“Y/N…”

“You’re worried about your reputation? Do you even want us to be together, Chris?” you asked him.

“I’m not worried about my reputation. I’m worried about… our privacy.”

“Chris, therapists have a duty of confidentiality,” You said, raising your voice.

“Well, you won’t believe how many people would break it given the right sum,” he screamed back.

You wanted to scream, anything that would release the frustration you were feeling inside.

“Do you even want to fix this?” you ask, as calmly as you were able to

Chris huffed. “I was begging you to come home with me yesterday. Of course, I want to fix this.”

You crossed your arms. “me coming home right now would not fix things; it would bring us back to this,” you said, throwing your hands up.

“And this is so bad, right?” Chris asked, bitterness in his voice.

“No, this is perfect. This is what I want permanently. It will kill me to come back to this if this is not forever.”

The room went silent. So many emotions went through Chris’s eyes, and you were trying to decode them all.

Chris finally drew a long breath. “I am not going to couples therapy.”

His words stung more than you could have imagined. They also unleashed the silent anger that was rising inside of you since the beginning of that conversation.

But instead of screaming and crying and pleading with Chris, you reached for your handbag. You were done trying to negotiate with him. You were done trying to spare his feelings.

You removed the divorce papers that had been sitting in your bag for days now. You threw them on the coffee table near Chris and waited for him to look at them.

You could see him become very pale, and if you weren’t that angry, you would be worried.

“Are they…” He started

“Yes. Divorce papers. We go to therapy, or you sign them. It’s your choice.”

Chris was startled. “You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I’m more than serious. I have a pen if you want to sign now.”

You looked serene, but inside, your heart was dropping lower with every second Chris wasn’t doing anything. You knew you were forcing his hand, but he left you no other choice.

“So, what is it going to be, Chris?”

Chris took the divorce agreement into his hands, and you held your breath. Your heart started beating again when he tore them in half.

He gave you a deadly stare, but at this point, you didn’t care anymore. He could be angry, scream at you, even hate you, as long as it meant you were doing something to try to fix things, you could take it all.

“Text me when you find a therapist you can trust,” you said before taking your bag to leave.

If he thought you’d be the only one sweating for this, he couldn’t be more wrong. It takes two to tango. It was about damn time for Chris to act. Because you were sure that this time feeling sorry or even good sex wouldn’t fix things.

Tag List (tell me in the comments if you want to be tagged)

@90girlgolden @jennamarieee623 @spookyparadise69 @coffeebooksandfandom @calirindo @jessyballet @janeyboo @killerstvles @patzammit @inlovewith3 @katelyneann @evatia @breezykpop @n3ssm0nique @mary-on08 @anthonyjanthony666​  @dangerouslovefanfic @positionsfyou​ @killerstvles​ @ragamuffin285​ @sohoseb​ 

[soldierswar]

Kobik - Chapter III

Bucky X Reader

Mostly angst for this chapter

Chapter 2:

Chapter summary: You're learning that the extent of Kobik's power is far more intricate than you could have ever imagined. And you quickly learn that you're going to have to get used to it a little longer than you would have expected.

...................................

“Does she eat?” you asked Bucky in hushed tones standing by the fridge while watching Kobik contently watching tv.

“I don’t know,” he sighed.

“You could just ask her.”

You felt a mild shudder travel through you. Whatever reservations that you were feeling towards her earlier amplified times 100 after waking up to her cries last night.

When you had been woken up, by the time you reached the living room you walked into an entirely different room. But not nearly in the way that you had expected. There wasn’t a giant hole in a wall, there weren’t papers flying around the room, or any broken pieces of furniture.

No. It was an entirely different room. Or rather…science lab. When you had first seen it you thought you were dreaming. This had to be some type of nightmare or trance. But when you pinched yourself multiple times, it was clear that this wasn’t in some way, shape, or form unreal.

When Bucky finally followed you into the room, that was when you spotted Kobik crying in the corner looking helpless, and scared. And yet, Bucky was surprisingly if not eerily calm. He didn’t even look surprised.

He sat down in the corner with her rubbing her back and assuring her that she was safe and that it was just a nightmare. When she finally started to feel better, he convinced her to turn everything back to normal. And before your eyes, everything shapeshifted back into place. In fact, everything looked even more organized than before.

When she went back to sleep, Bucky explained to you that one of her powers included being able to shapeshift, and even create new surroundings. Her changing the living room into the place that she had grown up around was some kind of uncontrollable trauma response brought on by some nightmare flashback. Something that you were both familiar with.

That didn’t really deter how freaked out you were about it.

“Y/N she isn’t going to murder you if you just ask what kind of food she likes.”

He really had to say the M-word.

“Hey, Kobik!” he shouted looking you dead in the eye as he waited for her to come over in an inhumanely short period of time.

“Yeah?” she responded giving a beaming smile. It was infectious enough to make him smile fondly. Keyword, him.

“What do you usually like for breakfast?”

She paused and thought about it.

“Pizza!”

“Pizza?” Bucky questioned.

“Pepperoni.”

“Specific,” you muttered.

“How about cereal,” he suggested and pulled out a box of Coco Puffs.

Kobik shrugged and walked over to where the bowls were in the cabinets. When she realized that she was too short to reach them, she jumped from the floor onto the counter in one swift movement from surface to surface without even using her hands to climb up. Couldn’t she at least try to act like a normal child?

Bucky used the back of his hand to close your agape jaw. You might have thought about walking away again, but you were starving.

Bucky had suggested that you try to get used to her and that she was actually a really sweet kid. And here you were hoping that she wouldn’t be around for much longer for you to even need to get used to her.

But you decided that it was time to challenge your own stubbornness and at least try for your poor husband’s sake. At least a little bit.

You sat on the opposite side of the small table from her. You could feel Bucky’s eyes burning a hole through you somewhat afraid of what you might say or do. And you shot him a small facial expression that said,

“You have no faith in me.”

“Hey Kobik,” you started while grabbing the cereal box and pouring yourself a pile of Coco Puffs.

She seemed kind of surprised that you were talking to her. Part of you wanted to be offended…But her reaction was fair.

“Hm?” she replied with her mouth full of food.

“How old are you exactly?”

She thought about it, raising her eyes up to the ceiling. After a few seconds, she raised four fingers up.

You automatically thought about what Bucky said, and how strange her answer was. Bucky said that he had known her for at least a year and that she was that age already.

“Kobik, how long have you been that old?”

They thought about it again counting on her fingers. 2, 3, 4…And stopped, giving you the four fingers again. She had been like that for that long? Was she always going to be like this? Could she choose to get older if she wanted to? Or did she just like being the way that she was?

“Kobik’s happy the way she is right now, aren’t you kid?” Bucky added.

Kobik nodded and gave him a huge grin.

Suddenly Bucky’s phone began to ring. He looked down at his phone and stepped away into your office to answer. You knew this had to be serious.

“Do you like coloring books?” Kobik asked you, making you snap out of whatever thoughts you were having about this phone call.

“Hm?” you answered.

“Do you like coloring books?”

Her little voice was so chipper, and she was so happy asking you this question. Part of you started to feel a little bad about your aversion to her.

Almost.

Again, you were still incredibly freaked out about what happened not even 8 hours ago.

“We don’t have any here, but I think we can—”

Suddenly cupped her hands slightly and delicately and hovered them over the table and made two coloring books and a huge box of crayons appear out of thin air.

…You were just going to tell her to use the iPad.

Bucky wasn’t there to make you close your mouth again.

“You make that face a lot,” she pointed out.

You closed your mouth and then tilted your head.

“And that one.”

You tried your best to make your face neutral as she reached for a crayon and began coloring while using her other hand to continue to shovel cereal into her mouth.

“Y/N?” Bucky said softly signaling you to come over to talk in private.

You followed his direction and comfortably rested your back against the wall crossing your arms.

“You won’t believe what she just did,”

“I’m sure I can…Listen,” he began.

“I just got a call from Sam. They need me to come along.”

“Where? Back to Norway?”

He shook his head.

“Evidence is pointed to them having some base in Germany. I think it’s going to be a couple of days.”

You froze. By the look on his face, you knew what he was about to say.

“I need you to watch Kobik.”

You wanted to say no. You really really wanted to say no. But you knew that you couldn’t. But you still wouldn’t let yourself shut your mouth.

“What if something happens again?” you replied in very hushed tones. You had no idea how good her hearing was.

“Like last night…” Your heart skipped a nervous beat thinking about how reality almost completely bent before your eyes.

“Y/N…I know it freaked you out—”

“Freaked me out?” you shrieked.

“Bucky,” your continued hushing your tone again.

“Freaked out is a complete understatement. Did you not see what happened?”

“But she didn’t hurt you.”

You crossed your arms.

“And what makes you think that it can’t happen? We don’t have just me to think about now.”

“Y/N,”  he said soothingly, softly resting his hands on your upper arms.

“She’s a kid. A kid who wants to feel safe. If she sees you as someone that she can feel comfortable around she’s one of the most lovable human-manifested sources of cosmic energy that you’ll ever meet.”

You snorted. This man could convince you to jump off a bridge by making you laugh and you’d still somewhat trust him.

“Okay,” you sighed and let him envelop you in his arms.

“She has never hurt anyone that doesn’t want to hurt her. You might even have a little fun. Do you trust me?”

You looked up at him, resting your chin on his chest giving him a soft smile as you nodded.

“Okay.”

Note: Okay I can not thank everyone enough for all the love that this is getting. It makes me so happy that people are enjoying it since I'm so freaking attached to Kobik in the Thunderbolts comics. I love you guys <3

Note #2: I know, what a bitch, right?

Tags: @teenagedreams-bucky @typicalnerd98 @veroxloki @white-wolf-buckaroo @acciosiriusblack @pastel-boy-sungjae

@flightsandfantasy

[mggssocks]

Followed- part 2

Not My Gif!

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid

Content Warnings: regular criminal minds stuff. (please let me know if i missed anything!)

Summary: Spencer makes an Instagram and stumbles across reader’s page.

Word Count: 2.2k +

A/N: Thank you so much for the love i have received on my last chapter!!! It means so much to me. Also i’m going to try to update chapters as much as i can but i’m graduating in a few weeks and i will have a lot going on. But again, thank you guys!!! xoxo

masterlist // part 1

Although he was only going off of a few hours of sleep, Spencer came to work with a pep in his step today. His interaction with this girl was very brief but he still got butterflies with the thought. He was early as usual so he made himself a cup of coffee and sat at his desk, settling in. He pulled out his phone and reread the text messages that the two of you shared. When he finished reading the short message thread, his thumb hovered over the letter G. He wanted to type “good morning” but he didn’t want to come off as too clingy or overbearing. That in fact was the last thing he wanted. 

“Hey Spence” he hears from behind him, causing him to jump and quickly lock his phone before shoving it into his coat pocket. 

“Hi” he turns around to see JJ and forms his mouth into a straight line. 

She eyes him weirdly. Something was up.

“Everything okay?” She asked. Knowing how Spencer was, she wasn’t expecting him to answer truthfully. Especially with him jumping startledly like he just did at a simple ‘hi’.

“No- yeah. Yeah I’m fine. What about you? Are you okay?” He asked to switch the conversation around. 

Yeah. Something was definitely up.

“I’m… fine?” She answers confused

He nods awkwardly. She was just about to ask him if he was sure that he was fine but everyone else started to walk in and she knew if he was being this secretive with her, he definitely wouldn’t want everyone else to be in his business. So she drops it… at least for now. 

Garcia speed walked into the bullpen with a file or two in her hand, not bothering to say anything to the team. She goes straight to the conference room.

“Looks like we have a case” Morgan declared as he walked past the desks and up the stairs. Everyone else followed.

“And from the looks of it, it’s bad,” says Emily. 

They settle in their seats as Garcia passes Spencer his case file while everyone else gets on their tablets.

“We’re going to Wichita, Kansas.” Hotch says as he was the last one to come into the conference room.

“This sicko stabs straight through the heart. They chop off as much hair as they can before shoving it in the victim’s mouths.” Garcia speaks, a little disturbed a little while avoiding her gaze from the screen.

“Four victims within one week. There’s no cooling off period at all” Morgan said, swiping through his tablet.

“Which is why we’re debriefing on the jet. Wheels up.”

——————

After the team debriefed on the jet, Garcia chimed in through the video chat.“Guys, A store owner just found another victim.” 

The team looks at one another. Hotch sighs momentarily before speaking.

“Alright, JJ, you and Reid to the M.E. Morgan and Rossi go to the latest crime scene and Prentiss and I will go and set up at the station.” 

Everyone nods their head at their temporary partners for confirmation.

————

“So on the first victim, the person hesitated.” The examiner spoke factually.

“-And on the other four he didn’t hesitate at all” spoke JJ, trying to get the bigger picture. 

“Exactly. Now with the new victim… I noticed something strange. “ She walked over to the newest victim from earlier that day and the agent and dr followed her.

She turned the woman’s head and revealed a cat-like scratch with three of them synchronized.

JJ and Spencer looked at each other. After they called the other team members to fill them in, they walked to the car in pure silence.

“So… this morning” says JJ, walking to the driver’s side.

Spencer gives her a questioning look as he takes the passenger seat.

“What about this morning?” He asked in a suspicious tone and avoided her gaze by looking out of the window.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Spence, but I know something’s going on. Just tell me that it’s nothing bad.” She put her seatbelt on.

Spencer didn’t dare to give in “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

——————- 

After three days, they finally caught the unsub. The man was purely a sick and twisted psychopath. Jeffery Magnum. A 30 year old man who was severely abused as a child. His mother would make him eat the cat’s fur balls for dinner and when he refused, she would shave him bald. His mother died and that was the stressor that made him begin to kill.

As they boarded the plane, Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ sat together in the four seats. Rossi and Hotch sat together in the seats across from each other behind them. Spencer sat on the couch, far away from everyone. He wasn’t trying to distance himself. He just wanted to sit alone.

He pulled his phone out. He hasn’t thought much about that girl since he’s obviously been busy but now he was thinking about her. When he opened the app, he saw that she had posted a story. Before he watched her story, he clicked on her account and scrolled a little. She posted a lot of books and her cat too. Spencer really liked this one in particular.

26 likes

Yourinstagram I looked up from my book and seen this. thought it was a great photo op. 

View all 11 comments

He comes across a picture that really catches his attention.

11 likes

Yourinstagram okay just finished these two Jung books. He’s officially my favorite psychology/ prolific author. Freud’s got nothing on this guy.

View 1 comment

Spencer nodded his head approvingly. He swiped back to look at her Instagram story. 

He swiped up, thinking of a way to start a conversation. He just wanted to talk. About what? He doesn’t know.

spencerreid what’s tomorrow?

As expected, she didn’t respond right away. Instead of waiting for a response, Spencer picks up a book to occupy his attention. About 15 minutes later, his phone vibrates and an Instagram notification pops up. It catches the attention of JJ and she looks from the corner of her eye.

Spencer let’s 3 minutes pass by before responding because he didn’t want to seem too eager to talk to her. Although he definitely was.

yourinstagram nothing special! I’m a pastry chef so I’m just preparing them for the week! 

spencerreid Do you have some sort of bakery?

yourinstagram yup :)

Spencer didn’t know what to text back. So he started a new conversation with her.

spencerreid By the way I was looking at your page and seen that you read Carl Jung books.

yourinstagram you were stalking my page??

He started to panic. He didn’t mean it like a weirdo.

spencerreid I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanted to see what you were about, I guess.

yourinstagram relax haha I was kidding. And yes I do like Carl Jung books. What about you? Jung or Freud?

spencerreid I’m a fan of both, though I feel as if Jung was more open minded.

yourinstagram you, my friend, have great taste.

Although he knew “my friend” was just a term, Spencer couldn’t help but let a smile spread across his face. 

JJ notices and nudges Morgan who was listening to music. Prentiss notices JJ’s act and she gives her a questioning look. JJ nods her head towards Reid who was smiling at his phone. Emily who was sitting next to the window across from Morgan leaned over the seat to get a peek at Spencer.

She looks back to JJ. “What?”

“He’s been acting weird since before we left for this case. Like… secretive.”

Derek quirks an eyebrow. “You think he’s got something going on?” 

JJ shrugs.

“Hey” Emily says to Spencer.

He doesn’t necessarily jump but he was obviously startled. 

“What are you smiling about?” She asked. JJ and Derek watched as he fumbled over his words.

“I- uh-just- just a joke” Spencer cringed internally, because not even he, himself was buying it.

“What’s the joke?” Derek asked.

“It’s… nothing you would find amusing.” 

The three pretended to believe him and gave each other subtle glances before continuing what they were doing. Spencer turned back to his phone.

yourinstagram I’m y/n by the way. Just thought I’d formally introduce myself.

spencerreid I’m Spencer.

yourinstagram It’s nice to meet you, Spencer.

spencerreid It’s nice to meet you as well, Y/N.

After the jet landed, it was only 3:00 in the afternoon. Hotch gave them the rest of the day off so Spencer decided to head home and catch up on some sleep that he’s missed these past few days. 

He knew that it’d be terrible traffic on his way home. But since he stupidly decided to drive to work a few days ago, he couldn’t take the subway. He had to drive home. After about 10 minutes of sitting in his car calculating the fastest route home during traffic hours, he decides to take a way that he’s never taken before.

It would take him about thirty minutes but on his normal route during traffic hours, it would take him an hour and twenty. 

While driving, he catches a glimpse of a bakery and his stomach automatically growls. He decided that he’d stop by. Spencer walked into the shop and it wasn’t very busy. He looked over all of the options while waiting for someone to come to the counter.

A girl soon trails around dusting her hands off on her yellow apron. Her hair tied back in a ponytail.

“Hi. How can I help you?” She gives a kind smile.

“Uh- can I have two of the Danish pastries And a water?” He asked.

“Of course! Will that be all?” She puts some clear gloves on and makes her way over to the pastries.

“Yes” Spencer answers, digging through his satchel for his wallet.

She puts the treats in an apricot colored box, closed with a sticker with the name of the bakery. 

She puts the order in and looks back up at him “That’ll be $5.37!” 

He’s finally able to get a feel for his wallet and pulls out his card, handing it to her. She swipes it and hands it back over to him after it was approved along with his box and a reusable water bottle. He murmurs a thank you before leaving and heading to his apartment, enjoying the delicious danishes and finishing up some case files.

*******

“Seriously, Y/n. There’s so many relationship opportunities in Virginia. And you’re thinking about someone from a social media platform. You’ve never even seen them.” Your older sister lectures you as you close up the shop.

“Woah woah woah. I never said anything about a relationship with him. He’s nice but I’m not going to date someone over the internet. For all I know, he could be from England. I just said we both have an understandable love for Carl Jung in common.” You explained.

“Mom is worried about you. You’re thirty and you haven’t even found someone you’re interested in.” She lifts her eyebrow.

“She doesn’t need to worry about me. And every single woman doesn’t need to get married and settle down in their thirties.” you argue back

“She wants grandchildren, y/n. And not just from one of her kids.” 

“Look. I’m fine. You guys need to stop with the pressuring. I’m happy and I have all that I can ask for right now. When that time comes then it comes but for right now, i’m content” You shrug as you lock up all of the treats in the display cases.

She gives up the argument. And there is a weight of silence that fell between the two of you.

“Alright. Dave and the kids are expecting me so I'm going to get some pizza and head home.” she says, breaking the silence.

“Okay. Love you. Be safe. Bye” you say to her. 

After locking up the shop, you head home and when you open your door, you are greeted by your cat, Luna. After locking the door, you kneel down to properly greet your baby.

“Hey, girl” you pick her up and make your way to the kitchen, opening the fridge to see what options you had to eat for dinner.

You decided on some grilled cheese and tomato soup so that’s what you made.

*****

You throw the crust down on your plate, flipping the page of the book you were almost done with. You were curled up on the side of the couch with Luna sleeping by your feet. After finishing the last page, you were bored enough to go onto twitter and then instagram. 

As you make your way to his dm, you bite your lip, hesitant to say something. You didn’t often speak to people through social media. But he’s already texted first so the least you can do is text something first this time. You were uncertain, but you did it anyway.

yourinstagram hey

You mentally smack yourself as you look at the time. He’s probably already slee-

spencerreid Hi.

yourinstagram i was thinking….

spencerreid About?

yourinstagram I told you what i do for a living. I figured it’s only right that you told me what you do..

spencerreid I’m in the FBI. I’m a profiler.

yourinstagram that’s pretty impressive.

You didn’t know it but Spencer was blushing.

spencerreid Thank you.

yourinstagram you’re based in D.C right?

spencerreid That would be correct.

yourinstagram That’s funny.

spencereid Why is it funny?

yourinstagram because I live in D.C too.

[yeahimaloser]

By The Window

Hi everyone! Sorry this might have taken a while, I was a little stressed out, but here it is! I hope you like it! it’s a little hurt/comfort one-shot! This ones a littttle bit more spicy than my other one shots but is still sfw :)) so I hope you enjoy!!

summary: God, you missed him, you missed Keigo so much that it hurt, you wished over and over agian for him to just come back home to you. 

Reader has no pronouns metioned

4k words

You faced the window, sighing.

How long had it been, 2, 3 months since you’ve seen Hawks? It felt like a lifetime ago when he kissed you goodbye, it felt as though you had forgotten the way his hands held you, it felt like you hadn’t seen those piercing golden eyes in years.

Your heart yearned for him to come home, you knew that it was for a mission, you knew that he had to have no outside contact, but still, all you wanted was him, for him to come home.

Nothing felt right without Keigo, everything felt wrong. Watching movies felt like a tedious effort, without Keigo holding you to him it felt lonely. Sleeping felt uncomfortable, the bed never felt so big without him inside the covers. Even eating felt different, without Keigo talking to you about work, just talking about random things that never failed to put a smile on your face. 

You tried to cheer yourself up, but it made no difference. 

No matter how much self-care you did to try and relax, your body still craved him. Still wished he was there with you, holding you, teasing you. You felt as though you were going crazy without him.

You even thought about how he would be acting if he were with you, how he would randomly start slow dancing with you in the kitchen when you prepared dinner, how he would joke with you, how he would softly kiss your lips after a long day. How he would tell you stories about his work while in bed, making little patterns on your stomach as you drifted off to sleep, his voice soothing you until your mind fogged over. You supposed you missed the domestic bliss of it all, you missed how your heart leaped whenever he spoke to you, you missed the way his voice sounded whenever he would just mindlessly talk to you. The way his love never failed to make you feel more alive.

Every day without him felt like a sin, like being without him felt wrong. Like being away from him felt like you had committed some sort of crime, and you were doing something wrong.

It hit you again, that pang. After Keigo left, after about a week that’s when you started to feel it. It came in small waves at first, with small little feelings of sadness. When you would have to make dinner for one, when you had to sleep alone. That’s how it started anyway. But now, it had gotten bigger. The waves increased until you were practically drowning in your loneliness. You hated it, you hated everything about it.

Still looking out the window, you quickly wiped a tear that seemed to fall on your cheek.

You weren't sure why you refused to cry, no one would see if you did, no one was around to see you break down. But maybe you didn’t want yourself to admit it, to admit how you felt like you couldn’t live without Keigo by your side. Maybe you didn’t want to see yourself cry, to admit how utterly angry you were at the universe for taking Keigo away for this long.

Perhaps it was wrong of you to want him to come back, maybe it was wrong of you to just want him back in your arms. It probably was, he had a job, and here you were, upset that he wasn’t with you. You just hated it, hated all of it.

He didn’t tell you when he would be back, only that he would be gone for a big mission, he told you how much he would miss you, how he would fly home to you immediately, even if his wings were on fire, he wouldn’t stop till he saw you again.

So you waited by the window, waited for him to fly through the window, to kiss away your tears, to push away your loneliness with his strong, secure, hands. For you to feel him again, for you two to just… be together again.

Yet, you knew that wouldn’t happen. 

Keigo was miles away from Japan, on a secret stupid government mission, you hated it. Was it so much to ask to have your boyfriend back to you? Was it too much to see him again? For his voice to soothe you? All you wanted… was him.

The sky was now darker, the sun had started to set, and the sky brightened with different colors, illuminating its beauty. Normally, you would find something like this beautiful, but without Keigo to enjoy it with you, it made you feel uneasy. It made you feel like you were enjoying some bittersweet moment, but in the end, it just became bitter.

You hated all this, you hated when Keigo had to leave you for so long, you hated that you couldn’t enjoy your boyfriend for long periods of time. But most of all, you hated how selfish you felt.

Keigo was out there, risking himself so the world could be a better place, but here you were, wondering when he would be back. You felt like such an idiot, like a terrible person.

Yet, you couldn’t help it. You just missed him so much, you couldn’t help how lonely you were without him with you, without his calming presence you felt lost, like you had strayed away from him. You hated it, hated feeling so worthless and horrible.

But that didn’t mean you didn’t feel worried about him, quite the opposite. Whenever his name was even mentioned, you couldn’t help but tense up, thinking, “Are they gonna announce that he's ok? That he’s not? What if he never comes home? What if…”

But whenever you had those doubts that intruded your mind, you would always remember what Keigo had told you, “What? You’re worried about me? Why? You know I’ll always come back to you, I love you! I won't leave you, I promise. I’m a hero, I’m strong, I’ll always come back to you, my dove, no matter what. You can always count on me to see you again, even if I can barely stand, I’ll always come home to you. And besides, I think you're the only person who would be willing to put up with someone like me!”

You remembered how you had teased him about how cheesy the line was. But looking back on it, those words kept you going, every time you felt hopeless, you would always come back to those words, those words that would comfort you. Even if they were cheesy, they still reassured you, still helped keep you going even though your world felt like it might collapse on top of you.

You heard a chirp, snapping you out of your thoughts, a red little bird had landed on the window sill, chirping a happy sounding tone. You would normally smile at the cute thing, but even a small bird reminded you of Keigo, making your smile falter. 

There wasn't very much daylight left, but still, just getting outside and finding some nice fresh air would soothe you enough. A breath of fresh air might have been just what you needed, to beath out the loneliness you felt.

You stood from your spot next to the window, stretching as you did so. You haphazardly put on a light sweater and shoes, you would only be gone for a little amount of time. You still had yet to make dinner for yourself.

Locking the door to your home, you set off.

You supposed it really wasn’t your home, it was Keigo’s. After he had made your relationship public, he asked you to move in with him. He had been so cute and kind about the whole thing, constantly making sure you were ok with the move and were fine living with him. He really didn’t want you to feel like you had to do anything that you were uncomfortable with. 

Keigo was always like that though, always making sure you were ok and secure, always checking up on you. But whenever you did the same, asking if he was ok, he would always push you off and tell you some bullshit about how you shouldn’t worry. That was one thing you hated about your boyfriend, how stubborn he was. No matter how much you reassured him that you loved and accepted him, he only got as far as telling you his name, telling you what it meant to him. He told you once, that he just preferred to look onto the future instead of dwindling on the past. You liked the sentiment, but still, you hoped that in the future he would open up to you more.

You walked down the sidewalk of the city. Yet, it seemed more peaceful than it usually was, the sunset in the background, the soft wind, the overall glow of the city that you and Keigo lived in was beautiful. You wished he could see it. You wished he would hold your hand, whispering jokes and praises in your ear, teasing you, and playfully talking about his day.

You were struck with that wave again, that feeling of sadness, of loneliness. It was just so hard without him, you didn’t really think you would miss him this much, this was the first big mission where he would be gone from you, and you hated it, no, you despised it.

You just felt like a piece of you had left, and it hadn’t come back for so long. Some days your mind would start to drift too much, wondering if that knock would come on your door, telling you that Keigo Takami was gone. You tried your best to stifle those thoughts, to push them away. Keigo would come back to you, he promised.

You balled your hands into fists, determined not to cry. You took a few deep breaths in order to calm yourself, trying to stabilize your mind from drifting. If you did cry though, would anyone care? Would anyone ask? What would you even say? The love of my life is risking everything so people will be safe, yet here I am, crying about how lonely I feel. It was annoying that a part of you wanted to cry, while another part of you wanted to push away those feelings, to just shove them down and for them to just go away. You just wanted to feel better again.

In an effort to distract yourself, you looked up at the sunset, trying to think of something other than Keigo. Trying to show your mind that it needed to stop thinking and craving him.

You took a shaky breath as you stopped walking, you had found a nearby park to try and calm your mind. 

You stopped to enjoy the view, but it was all so melancholy. It was all so bitter and wrong, you felt so out of place.

You sighed, perhaps this wasn’t the good idea you thought it was. 

But as you were about to walk off from the sunset, you felt it.

The flash of wind, the red in your vision, and finally, the feeling of a warm and tight embrace around you. The hands that rested on your hips, the chest that was pressed firmly against your back. The smell of the soft breeze, you recognized it. 

At first, You gasped, confused. What was going on? Who was holding you? 

Then you realized, it was Keigo.

The smell, the feeling, the presence, it was all him.

You whipped around to face him, he smiled at you, it was meant to be playful and teasing, but you could see the longing behind it, the way his eyes shone with love and want. The way his hands rubbed light circles on your hips, trying to reassure you he was really there with you, that he was home. 

Before you knew it, your eyes had started to water, you quickly tried to wipe them away, you didn’t want Keigo to see you so upset. 

But Keigo had already pulled you into him, kissing your cheek lightly, “Hey there Dove, did you miss me?”

It was a dumb line on his part, he knew you had missed him, he knew how much you were worried about him, how much you had been thinking about him while he was away.

He rubbed comforting circles on your back, “M-Maybe,” your words were meant to come out playful and teasing, but they came out shaky, which just made Keigo smirk.

You pulled back from him, getting a better look at him. The sunset light hit him perfectly, the sun seemed to glide through his hair, the piercing light set his eyes a glaze. His smile made your stomach flutter, the way he gently caressed you made you feel so safe and warm. His embrace was inviting and intoxicating, and you loved every second of it.

It was then that you realized he was in civilian clothes, a nice orange sweater that gave him an even more glow to his skin, if that was even possible. 

He was just… breathtaking.

You leaned into his lips, you couldn’t stand it anymore, you just missed him so much. 

He leaned into you too, if not more so. You had almost forgotten how warm and soft his lips were, how inviting and sweet they were. How his hands would hold you securely against him, making sure to reassure you that he was there, and he wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

The way he hungrily fed into you, kissing you back with more passion and strength. You had to admit, it was a little rough for him, normally his kisses were soft and careful, but you could tell that he craved you as much as you did him.

But after a few moments, you pulled away. Keigo tried to chase you back to him, tried to bring you back into his oh so lovely lips. But you knew better.

Even if all you wanted to do was to keep going, to kiss Keigo until both of you were sick of kissing one another, you knew that was better to do in the privacy of your home.

Keigo once told you that, “The media is always watching, babe, the last thing we want them to see is both of us kissing each other's faces off.”

It was clear that Keigo’s mind was a bit foggy with longing, you knew you two had to get home. Even if your body ached for Keigo to hold you, how your lips screamed for his, you wanted to savor him, not just rush and ruin it.

“Keigo, we should go home,” But Keigo whined, pulling your hips to him. But you just smiled, “come on Keigo, we can enjoy each other all we want when we get home,” you leaned into him, kissing the top of his nose, “I missed you so much baby, let's savor this, please.”

Keigo nodded, “Yeah you're right, I guess I got a little carried away there.”

You gave him a tired smile, “Believe me, I’m trying to not get too intoxicated myself. I just…” you trailed off, looking down at your hands, “I was so lonely without you Kei. I hated it, I just-”

But Keigo shushed you with a quick kiss on your cheek, “I know baby, me too. It was so hard, not holding you in my arms, not kissing you every night before I went to sleep, not seeing your stunning face,” you rolled your eyes, but Keigo just kissed your hairline lightly, “not to hear your beautiful voice. God, dove, let’s go home before I just say ‘fuck it’ to it all.”

You giggled a bit, you hated to admit it, but Keigo always had a way with words, he always knew what to say to make you smile and feel so much better. But you also hated how much you wished you could do the same to him.

“Come on Keigo, let's go home,” you intertwined your hand with his.

He brought your hand up to his lips, giving your knuckles a gentle kiss, “Lead the way lovebird.”

______

After you both had gotten back to the apartment, only stepping a few feet through the door, your hands were already firmly in Keigo’s hair, dragging him down for a kiss. It was sloppy, but it was passionate and love-filled. The way his hands roughly pulled you into him, the way he would break for a second, looking at you with love in his eyes, only to dive back in. The way his wings would puff when your hands brushed past them, it all felt too right. 

After a while, Keigo pulled away.

Now it was your turn to whine, to try and feel his lips again. “Hush, you cute thing,” he gave you a quick kiss on your nose, “don’t you need food? I don’t think you’ve eaten, have you?”

You glared at him, “No, but who cares! I missed you so much, I-I wished so hard that I could feel your lips again,” you looked away from Keigo, not wanting him to see you so flustered, “And I missed your hands,” you brought his left hand up to your lips, ghosting your lips over his knuckles. You could feel him tense up, so you kissed his palm. When you looked back up at him, he was bright red. 

Oh did you love that sight, when he would get red from embarrassment, from when you got to tease him for a change. You loved the way his wings would puff up, and he would try and calm them down. All of it was just downright cute.

You made your way up to his arm, “I missed these arms around me,” then to his neck, kissing his pulse point lightly “This delicious neck,” you said softly. You heard him gulp, it was clear that even though you craved him, his body and mind seemed to crave you just as much. You nipped at the spot a bit, just to watch his little struggle, but eventually, you made your way up to his lips, whispering against them, “So, Keigo Takami, is it ok if I enjoy myself a bit?”

He let out a light chuckle, but his eyes gave away his longing and desire, “Please do… but we have to eat dinner soon, I’m hungry.”

You sighed, “You ruined it,” but you really couldn’t be happier

_____

Your eyes fluttered open lightly, the light from the window peeking into your eyes.

You groaned, expecting to roll over to a cold, empty part of the bed. To realize that your delightful, kiss filled night was all just a dream. 

But when you did rollover, the other side of the bed was warm, yet still empty. You, still in your morning haze, were confused.

That was, until Keigo walked over to you, with a tray of breakfast foods. Then it all came back to you, how you both barely slept, too busy talking with each other, still wrapped In tight hugs, whispering little, “I love you”s through each kiss you shared.

It was all so lovely. 

You smiled up at him from your position on the bed, “What’s all this?”

He just smiled back at you, the sunlight mixing with his complexion made his skin so angelic, “I thought we could have some breakfast in bed. I-I kinda feel a little bad.” His puffy eyebrows knit together, his eyes darted away from yours.

You gave him a confused look, “Why’s that?”

He sighed, placing the tray down while sitting next to you on the bed. He lightly stroked your check, “I left for so long, baby, I know how lonely you were without me. I wished I could have been there, to hold you and kiss away your worry about me. I hate feeling helpless, especially when it’s with you.”

You smiled at him, “You have a way with words, Mr. Takami.”

He gave a little chuckle, leaning down to your lips, his hands still grabbing your hips lightly, pushing you firmly down on the bed, “And you have a way with my heart, my love.”

______

Of course, that wasn’t the end of Keigo’s pampering. Not only of you, but also of himself as well. 

He loved it when the two of you had a day off together. After you both ate breakfast in bed, he wouldn’t let you leave.

“Babbbbbe, you can't just leave me by myself. I need your cuddles and love,” he whined.

“Kei, sweety, I have to use the bathroom.”

When you got back though, he pulled you back into him, “You aren’t leaving me that early!”

You giggled, “Who said I wanted to birdboy.”

He nuzzled his face into your neck, kissed you lightly, whispering soft, lovely things, “I love you,” “I missed you so much,” “Your so warm baby.” He said each one after each kiss he left on your skin.

You relaxed into his touch, gently running your hands through his hair, down to his feathers.

He shuddered slightly, but didn’t stop you. You brushed them carefully, making sure not to damage them or irritate them in any way. You made sure you were being soft and, overall, gentle with him. Making sure when he would twitch you shudder as your fingers worked through his wings, they were good twitches and shudders.

“Mmmm, Baby,” he said, his face still planted firmly in your neck, “that feels nice. Thank you.”

“Thank you Keigo,” he kissed your neck again, gently, “thank you for coming back to me, thank you for pushing away my loneliness.”

“Oh, Dove,” he said, “thank you for waiting.”

You sighed, you loved this. You loved mornings where the two of you could just relax and bathe in each other, drinking one another up, taking your time savoring him as he did the same to you. The way both of you would just happily cuddle and lean into one another's touch. You loved the way Keigo would tiredly whisper sweet words to you, loved how his lips, although sloppy, would kiss your skin lightly. How his hands would rub your skin, relaxing you into his touch, making you lean that much more into him.

You just loved his presence.

“Keigo,” you said lightly.

“Yes sweetheart,” his words tickled your neck.

“I missed you.”

He rose from his spot on your bed, making you whine.

But you stopped when his eyes looked into yours, the way they were so intense, yet at the same time, so goddamn gooey. He just looked so soft, so utterly in love you thought the whole thing couldn’t be real, no one person could look down at someone with such pure love and adoration.

But Keigo did, “I missed you too, let me kiss away all the loneliness, all your longing, I’m here baby, and I’m not leaving anytime soon.”

[a-edgar-allan-hoe]

The Red Witch

Jasper Hale x Reader part 2

A/N: So here is the 2nd part everyone! I hope you like it!

Summary: Imagine being an immortal witch from the Middle Ages and being the previous love of Jasper before he was turned. You two were separated under certain circumstances and cross each other’s path once again, years later in the present era.

Warning: language. Blood

Part 1 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5

“(Y/N)? Are you ok?” You hear your friend Melanie ask you, her voice laced with concern as she places a comforting hand on your shoulder, bringing you out of your thoughts.

Your head was beginning to throb violently and the scent of everyone’s blood was beginning to reach you. You could sense their pulse, the flow of their blood through their veins, and a part of you, deep down inside, hungered for it. Not in the way vampires felt, but in a way that you wanted to rip their souls out of their bodies and bathe in their blood while you only gained more power. And it sickened you. It sickened you to the very core.

“I think I need some fresh air.” You turn to face her, only to hear her gasp when she stares at your eyes.

“What? What is it?” You ask her.

She pulls you to the back of the shop, making sure no one noticed before speaking to you in a hushed tone. “(Y/N), hun, I don’t want to freak you out but, your eyes are red.”

“They’re what?!” You stare back at her in confusion before pulling out your phone to see for yourself only to let out a gasp as well.

Both your eyes were blackened in this deep blood red that covered not only your irises but your sclera as well, resembling something of a demon from the pits of hell. You shut your eyes in response, not even wanting to look at yourself, the mere sight of your eyes horrified you.

“Shit shit shit. This isn’t supposed to happen. I haven’t had this happen to me in a long time, not since I was little.” You hiss, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Does that mean?”

“Yes. I let my stupid emotions control me. And now look.” You run a hand through your hair as you open your eyes back up, staring at the floor. “I need to go. I need to go before this gets worse and I hurt someone.

“Don’t worry hun. You go and sort it out. I’ll close the shop early. And please, remember to breathe.”

You nod in agreement before taking out a pair of your sunglasses from your purse and throwing them on to cover your eyes. You slip on your black leather jacket, grabbing your belongings and rush out the shop. With a quickened pace, you walk over to your 1967 dark blue Shelby Mustang with white racing stripes and hop in. You strapped on your seatbelt and put your keys in the ignition to start the car, gripping the wheel as you closed your eyes, listening to and feeling the rumble of the engine. It was one of those things that calmed you down, you always loved the sound of muscle cars.

Taking a deep breath you rev up your engine and drive off, the sound of your car echoing through the streets as you race out of town and towards the woods so that you can be away from from everyone. You had your windows down and your radio up, enjoying the feeling of the wind against your face as the scenery around you blurred past.

You pulled up to a small clearing not too far from the road and got out of your car. Looking at the trees around you, you throw your head back and take a deep breath, taking in the smell of the forest. The throbbing in your head was still there but it was starting to fade. You slip off your gloves and sit down near your car. Glancing down at your hands you noticed that they were turning pitch black with tendrils that seemed to wrap it’s way up your arm, like a poison that runs through your veins only to reach your heart to provide an inevitable ending. Your powers felt like a poison coursing through your veins, and the thought of it ever reaching your heart made your blood run cold. You also noticed that your fingernails have grown to a sharp point, like the claws of an animal.

Shit. Shit shit shit. You needed to stop this.

You unlace your black dr martens and kick them off, digging your toes into the grass and feeling the earth beneath you as you closed your eyes, taking deep breaths as you tried to become one with your surroundings. Earth, fire, water, air, spirit.

You hadn’t used your powers in a long time and were out of practice. And yet, you felt like you needed to. You feared that if you didn’t learn to control it, you would eventually succumb to it and then your powers would eventually control you. And that was the last thing you wanted. With a deep breath you open your eyes back up and stare at your hands. Using your sharp nail, you slice into your arm and watch as the blood slips out of your wound before swirling around your fingers. You try to focus on a certain object and watch as the red substance slowly flows together, forming a red dagger in your hand.

So you weren’t completely out of practice. You let out a sigh of some form of relief, watching the blade melt back into blood, slipping back inside your wound before healing itself. Then slowly, your hands and fingernails returned to normal.

Thank goodness.

After a short period of sitting on the grass and listening to the peaceful sound of the wind and the birds, you pull your phone out of your back pocket to look at the time.

Shit.

Your little sister Harper was going to be off of school in a couple of minutes and you didn’t want to be late. You throw your docs back on and get back in your car before starting your engine and racing off out of the forest and towards Forks high school. You had your radio turned up and currently Led Zeppelin was playing as you pulled up to the high school.

You left the radio on and got out, leaning against the hood of your car with your arms crossed over your chest. You stood there, searching for your sister and finally see her appear out the front entrance.

She had her backpack slung across one arm, her 80s style windbreaker blowing against the wind. She was wearing her old white sweatshirt she found at the thrift store that had Scooby Doo on it, tucked into her high waisted jeans that were rolled up to show off her funky new socks that she just bought because they had dinosaurs all over it. The laces of her white converse were hastily tied as she makes her way over to you with her head lowered.

The way she dressed always made you smile, she always looked like she stepped out of an 80s sitcom, and it perfectly resembled her dorky and full of life personality. Standing next to each other, no one would have ever thought you two were related, with your dark choice of clothes and her bright and colorful ones.

“Hey scooter.” You smile at her once she approaches you.

“Hey” she mumbles out quietly, pushing her glasses up as she gets to the passenger side, making you raise your brow.

Huh. What’s wrong with her?

You turn around to get back into your car before a familiar face stops you in your tracks, making your clench your fist as your breath hitches in your throat.

“Oh you have got to be shitting me.” You hiss, looking away once Jasper catches your stare.

Great, so Jasper and the other vampires happen to go to the same high school your sister goes to. Just great.

You catch Harper giving you a wtf look before turning around to follow your eyes to see for herself what you were getting so upset over.

“(Y/n)?”

“It’s nothing Harper, get in the car.” You shake it off as you both get in.

You sensed Harper watching you carefully as you start your car back up and pull back out of the parking lot. You gave Jasper one last glance, feeling him staring into your soul as you drove off.

How could someone you’ve sworn to forget, someone who didn’t even remember you, still have such an effect over you?

“So how was school?” You ask her as you make your way back to your home, which was located away from town. You could still feel her staring at you.

“It was okay. Nothing special.” She shrugs, looking at the road in front of her before turning back to you. “So what’s up with you? How come you’re acting so moody?”

“So what, you’re my therapist now?”

“Well you were totally chill until you saw that weird pale, Lestat looking dude.”

Did she just call him Lestat?? Wheeze!

There was a pause before her eyes widened a little. “Wait, is he? Is he the same guy that’s in your necklace?”

You clench your wheel as your back straightens up, using your free hand to grasp the intricate gold locket you wore around your neck. The one Jasper gave you many many years ago that he had custom made to have a dragonfly on it. The one you put a small picture of him in to remember him by.

“Did you go through my things?” You raise your brow at her.

“.......maybe.”

“Harper.”

“Hey! I was bored okay. It’s not like I did it recently. And you have so much old shit anyways.”

“Hey, language.” You shake your head with a roll of your eyes. “And it’s not just any old shit okay. It’s stuff that means a lot to me.”

“Looks like a bunch of ancient junk to me.”

“Oh so you’re calling me ancient now.”

“Well technically....”

“Harper.”

“Ok! Sorry!” Harper laughs before getting serious again. “But seriously though, who was he? You’ve like never told me about him.”

You let out a sigh, feeling a lump in your throat that felt like it refused to go away. “That’s because it hurts to talk about him. Jasper and I, he used to court me back in 1862. Harper.....we were supposed to get married.”

A/N: Part 3 coming soon! I didn’t want this chapter to be too long so I had to split it. Thanks for all the support you beautiful people! 😁

Tags: @twilight-kpop @cricketlicket @bella-stenbakken @ineffabledears @elisemurphy06 @ashdab2611 @pancake-pages @toomanybandstocare @cammellia

[gb-patch]

Ask Answers: January 17th, 2021 (Part 1)

More ask answers! It’s gonna be a lot today, so we’re splitting it into two.

i love Cliff and Kyra's relationship so much ?? even though they had issues they managed to work things out and remain friends through the years! it's so refreshing over the narrative of people resenting each other after they break up.. im kind of curious tho , do they see each other strictly platonic now or is there still something lingering?

Aw, I’m glad to hear you like their relationship. Their feelings are very platonic now. Kyra views him as an ex and co-parent and then a friend as time goes on. Cliff does struggle not to think of her as still his family, even though he’s not romantically attracted anymore. But he’s knows it might be crossing a line to be that attached to a woman who divorced him and so he tries to let her just live her own life.

Can i ask just how tall Cove exactly is in Step 3? And will he be even TALLER in Step 4? My short heart cannot handle this. (Also this game is absolutely flawless and I haven't been able to stop thinking abt it since I played. Planning on getting the dlcs soon, y'all did SO WELL!!!!!!!!!) 

Haha, thank you very much.

Step 1: 4'1 feet Step 2: 5'4 feet Step 3: 6'0 feet Step 4: 6'4 feet 

Hey! So, I know Steam is having its fall sale/boxing day sale or something so i was wondering if you guys were gonna participate in that?? I was thinking of buying XOXO Droplets (the extended version) but i didnt want to do anything before there was a potential sale. May seem like an odd question, but I was genuinely curious. I can't wait to play the full game when i get it tho :D

I’m afraid we have some things we wanna fix in XOXO Droplets before really promoting it/pushing it with sales, so for now it won’t be participating in Steam sales. Hopefully we can update it soon.

Hello I'm still trying to get the CG for Step 2-3 and didn't see or get it when I told Cove of the deal in the Dinner moment like your guide says. I got the achievement but no CG. Is there another choice I'm suppsed to make after telling him?

Make sure you go back to the house with Cove after he leaves and don’t stay in your living room.

* don't be suspicious* *don't be suspicious*  ...Hi, there's another way to pay for the Our Life +18 dlc besides Patreon? Patreon have very limited payment options and I've been struggling with the platform. Anyways, thanks for the amazing game I hope I could support any way ^u^

Haha, right now there isn’t anything specific, but once it’s finished in a few months we’ll look into other hosting sites.

do you think we can get another our life dlc plzzz i would pay so much for it <3 i want to see their life together when they have kids or pets or just live with the two of them and i really want them to adopt kids too since jamie is adopted :)

I’m afraid we likely won’t. As much as we love OL: B&A, we’ve gotta start putting our whole effort into new projects soon. Maybe someday we could come back and do special new content, but it’d be quite awhile after all the planned DLCs have released.

How do you delete a save file? 

On PC or Mac you hover over a slot and hit the delete key, or you can go into the saved data folder and delete the files directly. On Android I’m afraid I don’t know. You can save over them with something else, though.

this is like. totally embarrassing and silly to ask but im dying here; i love cove so much i wanna climb that boy like a tree. so basically what im asking here is like. will the nsfw dlc have explicit stuff or is it more like an implied kinda situation? cuz i want some full on nsfw shit im so thirsty for cove and only this can satisfy me

It’s truly 18+ and explicit with nude art and straightforward descriptions of sexual acts. That’s why we can’t release it as part of the main game, haha. I’m glad you’re into Cove~

Hello! I've really been enjoying Our Life and am noticing some animation changes with the update! I just had a question though. In Step 2 we meet Jeremy but I was wondering if he was only meant to appear in Step 2 as a typical mean kid or is there more we don't know? 

Jeremy is a horrible pill in Our Life, but he is also a beloved romance option as a teenager in our other game XOXO Droplets. His personality is quite different once he grows up more. I imagine Cove and the MC would be pretty surprised.

Hi! i absolutely adore our life so far and I can't wait to continue supporting the game with the upcoming dlc drops! i was just wondering if y'all were planning on uploading any art for steam icons/the steam point shop in general<3 

Thank you! And we might. But we’re first trying to focus on making a new game update since there are still some improvements we have in mind.

I hope this question doesn’t come off weird but would Cove be the type of guy to memorize your period? I imagine he’d be the kind of best friend/boyfriend who would keep track of your cycle to support you during it or something like that 

We’d be shy about it at first and avoid mentioning what he was doing, but he would try to keep track of it based on any insight the MC gave him. The longer you’re with him, the more it could be just a normal thing the two openly talked about.

Hi there, how often do you do auditions? I am a voice actor and would love to be part of a project ?

We usually have auditions two to three times a year. Our next planned casting call will be for side character in Our Life Step 4.

Are the 5 moments included in the Derek and Baxter DLCs different from the normal Step 2 and 3 DLC? And will they focus exclusively on Derek and Baxter respectively? I was a little confused when I read the DLC FAQ. Thanks! 

Mostly they’ll be completely new Moments that star Derek or Baxter. Though, for example, Derek’s DLC will allow you to take him to the Soiree. If you go with Derek that will remove your ability to go with Cove in the Cove Step 2 DLC.

Sorry if you've already said this, but how will your character transfer over to the patreon exclusive NSFW DLC?  Can it access your game memory or will you select traits your character showed and choices you made from a list? 

It’s a standalone event that happens for MCs who are in a relationship with Cove and have been dating him for a while. Other details about the MC/their dynamic with Cove will just be picked in the event itself. It won’t try to take data from a specific save in the actual game.

I love your games, but currently only have an Android. When will you put your other games on android? 

I don’t know. They might not able to be formatted for Android very well, unfortunately. We’ll see how much time we’ve got later this year to try figuring it out.

Thank you so much for all the questions :D

[kuroosmikasavolleyball]

Her Game

Abendrot

(n) the color of the sky when the sun is setting; a certain afterglow.

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

previous | next | masterlist |

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a/n: I’m so sorry this is late! I got really busy with school work and other stuff and Part 4 wasn’t ready to post on Sunday. Here it is though, I hope you enjoy. This is the second to last part of the series(I think). I hope you understand the connection to the series title now a little bit but it gets better😏 I don’t know if this counts as slow-burn but…yeah. Anyways, feel free to like, republish, and message me. Requests and taglists are open! This is a safe and loving place for everyone and any hate will be shut down. Enjoy reading<3

Part 4 summary: Ravenclaw and Slytherin verse in the second and last quidditch game of the season. New strategies, doubt, nervousness from what happened earlier is bundled up for (Y/N), and all she needs to focus on is winning this game. Will Slytherin take the win and bragging rights, or will Ravenclaw emerge victorious?

pairing: cedric x fem!reader(in ravenclaw)

genre: fluff

warnings: uh nothing

word count: 1.6k(how did this happen-)

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“What’s got your mood down the drain?”

Kimball peers at (Y/N)’s woeful face, “Don’t tell me you’re nervous; this new plan has already got me shaky.”

She would’ve told Kimball what had happened last night if Roger wasn’t right next to her.

(Y/N) leans her head on the palm of her hand. “It’s nothing. Can we just continue planning, please?” Roger looks at her, a bit worried as well.

“Maybe..this plan should stay a draft. I’ll go tell the team.” Roger almost gets up but (Y/N) stops him. “No, wait. I’m ok; I promise. Let’s do this.”

Fred and George walk in and (Y/N) speaks, “Just gimme a sec.” and goes towards them.

“Hey hey! How’s my favorite Ravenclaw?” Fred ruffles her hair and she swats the hand away.

“She’s..ok I guess. Kimball and Roger came up with a plan yesterday and somehow the whole team liked it. We’re gonna test it out during the pre-game practice but I’m a little terrified.”

“You smarties always come up with something, huh? Don’t worry about it; you’ll be great. I even got my special edition Ravenclaw hat!” George playfully lifts a blue and bronze homemade hat made by Mrs. Weasley. (Y/N) has the same kind for Gryffindor, but she’s smart enough not to wear it in public.

“You don’t have to cheer me up; I’m fine. By the way, have you seen Ced? He hasn’t come down for breakfast yet.”

“Nope, we haven’t; he must be off on his ~prefect duties~.”

George scrunches up his face in disgust.

They say their goodbyes and head to the Gryffindor table. Just as (Y/N) is about to go looking for Cedric, he walks in with a painful expression.

“God, I should’ve listened to you, these hangovers are not worth it.”

Huh? How is that his first sentence? Doesn’t he rememb-

“You ok? You know you have nothing to be nervous about today, right? Ravenclaw will definitely win.”

“Oh yeah, yeah I’m fine. I just..do you remember last night at all?”

Cedric cocks his head to the side. “Uh.. a bit. I remember coming into the Ravenclaw common room, we played a drinking game..then it gets fuzzy. But I remember you walking me to my common room; thanks for that.”

Oh? He..doesn’t remember.

“Ah ok..that was most of the night so you didn’t miss too much. Go eat and drink water; you’ll feel better.”

The warmth in her ears and cheeks felt a bit too overwhelming once in the Ravenclaw locker room. Normally, a quidditch game wouldn’t have struck up such nervousness in (Y/N), or just the Ravenclaw team in general. They knew how to calm down in time for the game and bring all their assets to the table. Except now, there was only one match that determined everything.

Roger was almost roaring. “Alright guys! I know we’re all a little on edge right now, but let’s get to the point. We know Slytherin plays a dirty game but we’re staying fair. Don’t let rage take you over, think and focus, we got this. Let’s go out there and win this!”

He continued to give separate instructions to the beaters, the keeper, and the seeker. He turned to (Y/N) and Kimball, firing up to go.

“Before you say anything, Davies. We know what to do, we’ll try the plan out right now during the practice, ok? Now calm down.”

Kimball was surprisingly stable today and it was no doubt she was going to have a good match. Roger visibly deflated but kept a smug look in his face.

Hooch told them Ravenclaw was going first for practice so the team kicked off into the air.

(Y/N)’s hair was tied back and the breeze tickled her face. She missed this feeling; so freeing and beautiful.

Before long, Kimball nodded towards (Y/N) and took off. She stayed higher up and Roger acted as an opponent chaser. They released the Snitch, the Bludgers, and the Quaffle, and started a mock game. Roger zoomed past (Y/N) and she went behind him. Kimball followed (Y/N) but from above. (Y/N) stole the Quaffle and headed to the three goals, where their Keeper stayed, and scored.

(Y/N) kept the Quaffle and tried to score again, but Roger stole the ball and that’s when Kimball came into the playing area. She quickly picked the ball from Roger and scored while (Y/N) flew up. This was their plan; have one chaser on the pitch and the other two above, following the movements. As soon as the ball was stolen or the chaser runs out of stamina, another substitutes in. If all three chasers from the other team started tagging the one chaser, the other two will come down to help. Roger had checked with Hooch to see if the tactic broke any rules and she allowed the Ravenclaw team to use it.

The Slytherin team practiced regularly and it was a relief to not see any crazy strategies.

We can win this.

The houses filed in, chattering their heads off as the teams got ready to enter the field. The Ravenclaw team was introduced and they flew up, similar to the Slytherin team except for Lee’s backhanded comments.

“The game is the last one of the season! But don’t worry, I’m sure the Triwizard Tournament will be entertaining! Let’s get on now; today’s match is Ravenclaw vs. Slytherin. I hope you all cheer for the right team!”

He got a slight warning from Mcgonagall and that was it. Marcus Flint and the other players were all mounted on their fancy brooms; (Y/N) was a tad jealous, but her Comet 290 did the job. Hooch gave warnings and blew the whistle, and before (Y/N) knew it, the game began.

The strategy had worked so far except for a short period where Draco Malfoy was chasing the Snitch and almost crashed into (Y/N) and Kimball, who were waiting above and had to move away really quickly.

Roger was running out of breath and (Y/N) noticed, so she flew down after telling Kimball and took his spot. A red-haired Slytherin chaser had the Quaffle, so (Y/N) speeded towards them. One of the beaters hit a Bludger towards the chaser and (Y/N) swooped in to take the Quaffle when they were distracted.

“Nice hit, Jason!” She yelled as she went past him, dodging Marcus Flint.

“and…(Y/L/N) scores! The score is now 50-35 with Ravenclaw in the lead.”

Cheers grew even louder and (Y/N) swore she locked eyes with Cedric as she flew past the Hufflepuff tower.

Ravenclaw’s seeker, Cho Chang was a little quiet and the year below (Y/N), but she was amazing on the field. There was a point in time last year where Cedric took an interest to her, but it faded..(Y/N) hopes.

The game was similar to the last, taking a long time and the players started to lose energy. As the year had just started, it was fall and the sun set earlier. The breeze up above was chilly and the chasers of Ravenclaw went back to the regular strategy, even though the one they were using didn’t require a lot of stamina, they were getting tired of having to fly up and down. The score was 140-145 with Slytherin in the lead.

It was a little early for the sun to have set completely but the horizon line was blending. (Y/N) remembered a time where Cedric told her a word for this scenery...abendrot. The violent tango of the blue and orange hues made for a majestic view.

She was temporarily distracted since Roger had the Quaffle when she heard Lee’s voice booming, “Just as Davies scores..Chang is closing in on the snitch..SHE’S CAUGHT IT! RAVENCLAW WINS!”

The team quickly flew down and cheered for Cho, but it felt like a mutual celebration since everyone did so well. Kimball hugged (Y/N) tight and whispered about how her legs are going to be so sore.

They giggled amongst themselves until George’s voice ripped through the crowd and screamed (Y/N)’s name. The other houses were rushing up too, congratulating their friends and other players. (Y/N) was lifted and hugged by the twins and she spotted Cedric running up.

“Hell, if you think our game was good, this was amazing!” Fred laughed and set her down.

“I feel like most people weren’t watching towards the end since it was so long.”

Cedric finally caught up and spoke, “Nonsense, (Y/N). You did so well today, especially when you swooped in near the goal when Warrington had the Quaffle; you just stole it and dropped it in. He didn’t even realize.” A smile graced his face.

He noticed details..

“(Y/N)? You okay?”

“..Thanks! Yeah..um, sorry that was a really long game so I’m just tired.”

The twins and Cedric went back to their common room as Ravenclaw celebrated in a more calm way than Hufflepuff did.

A few students sat around the fireplace, but most of the players went to bed early.

“Did you see Malfoy’s face? He looked like he was about to kill someone with that grimace.” Inglebee chattered.

Kimball and (Y/N) went back to the dorms after signaling to their friends that they’re going because they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

(Y/N) thought back to how the sky looked when the sun kissed the mountains in the distance and fell asleep thinking about the fond memory of today and of when she learned from a certain someone about what that sunset is called. Abendrot.

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