#actually love the heart motifs in all the kirby bosses

[ampharos-posts]

I am so mindless I will see a picture of sectonia and instantly tag it as “favorite”

[crusherthedoctor]

Sonic Villains: Sweet or Shite? - Part 12: THE HARD-BOILED HEAVIES

There are some villains I like. And there are some villains I don’t like. But why do I feel about them the way I do? That’s where this comes in.

This is a mini-series of mine, in which I’ll be going into slightly more detail about my thoughts on the villains in the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise, and why I think they either work well, or fall flat (or somewhere in-between). I’ll be giving my stance on their designs, their personalities, and what they had to show for themselves in the game(s) they featured in. Keep in mind that these are just my own personal thoughts. Whether you agree or disagree, feel free to share your own thoughts and opinions! I don’t bite. :>

Anyhow, for today’s installment, we’ll be covering the rotund oppression squad of Sonic Mania, and celebrated improv artists among the Badnik community: the Hard-Boiled Heavies.

The Gist: Sonic the Hedgehog and Miles "Tails" Prower were heading to Angel Island in pursuit of a mysterious new jewel that their nemesis, Dr. Eggman, was on the hunt for. Unfortunately for them, a squad of Egg Robos had already beaten them to the punch, because literally everyone in the Sonic universe is faster than Sonic. Upon being unearthed, the jewel in question - the Phantom Ruby - wasted no time in working its magic, and with its unexplained distortion efforts, it sent Sonic and Tails (and Knuckles) to Green Hill.

Also, it gave the Egg Robos more than a few nifty accessories.

The king was on his own with finding the tip of his scepter though.

Thus began a new adventure that proved to the non-believers that this franchise can in fact work beautifully when the characters have gameplay mechanics in common with each other and aren't going around picking up guns and turning into werehogs. Sonic was on a mission to get to the bottom of the Phantom Ruby shenanigans, but his upgraded opposition, dubbed the Hard-Boiled Heavies, did whatever they could to stop the hedgehog's pulse, which largely involved making use of old Badniks in refreshing and exciting new ways... much like themselves.

This is a more compelling take on Arthurian legend than the entirety of Black Knight.

All the while, Eggman carried on using the Phantom Ruby to his heart's content to make things even more difficult for our heroes, like teleporting them away as often as a Kirby final boss, and giving Metal Sonic a brand new Final Smash. Eggman planned to use the Titanic Monarch, a giant robot that made the monsters in Shadow of the Colossus look vertically challenged by comparison, to achieve his lifelong dream of taking over the world. Complications arose however, when the leader of the Heavies decided he wanted the Phantom Ruby for himself. Sadly for him, this was not an Adventure Era title, meaning Eggman actually fought back, and on equal terms at that. Sonic, with his super form, was forced to take on Eggman and the King at the same time.

In a stunning revelation, Sonic defeated them both. But not before the Phantom Ruby itself teleported the hedgehog away one last time, to a different time completely, where he would experience a different journey altogether... Then he came back, did the whole thing all over again, and now he's cracking a cold one with the boys (and King, for some reason).

Fucking 4Kids censors at it again.

The Designs: The Heavies are still Egg Robos at their core, so they share the same general body structure. Don't assume that makes them indistinguishable however, for they've been given a lot of bells and whistles that play to each of their thematic motifs, right up to their weapons of choice.

Heavy Gunner is a robo-bobby:

"You're nicked, hedgehog... But before you're sent to the chair, are there any pencils you'd like me to sharpen for you?"

Heavy Shinobi is a stealthy ninja, despite being neon green:

He speaks entirely in fortune cookies.

Heavy Magician is always dressed to impress:

These guys certainly do make me feel like magic.

Heavy Rider is a rough n' tough knight of the round table... if that table was Eggman's:

She dances when'ere she's able.

And the top dog, Heavy King, is suitably imposing without trying too hard and looking accidentally hilarious in the process, unlike certain other villains in this very series:

Why did he watermark his chest hair?

His Majesty also gained a second form during his final battle, which sacrificed his legs for size, power, and high quality Tee Lopes rips.

And a chimney for his head.

These designs already go far to give the Heavies their own sense of individual character. As you'll soon notice however, that's only half of it...

The Personalities: You can laugh all you want, but these Egg Robos in a game with no dialogue whatsoever managed to show vastly more personality than many of the villains in this franchise WITH dialogue. Look at this shit right here, and tell me they don't immediately ooze charm like it's nothing.

Pictured: Love at first sight.

And this extends to your confrontations with each of them. Gunner is crafty, and willing to sacrifice his own men to cover his ass, but the panicked look on his face when things go south for him is very relatable.

"Wait... I'm in a Sonic game...? ...For Sonic fans...? ...Oh god..."

Meanwhile, Shinobi puts up a cool and suave front, and never hesitates to go in for the kill, but he's not above playing around for the sake of his own cockiness.

Magician is a bubbly showoff, always popping up to mess with the heroes at a moment's notice. But she's also rather affable, and well-mannered to her mortal enemies.

Almost makes up for the Strangelove hands.

And Rider is perpetually in the midst of a cocaine rush, as her thirst for thrill and fun never sleeps. Yet she appears to have great affection for her pet Motobug, Jimmy.

Finally, King is a no-nonsense frowny face with a Sean Connery accent who is sick of his fellow Heavies' shit, who can nonetheless back himself up as the group's undisputed leader.

They may be fairly straightforward, but through the subtleties of their animations, there's a lot of life put into these guys, and their characters don't start and finish with their default trait like so many before them. You don't need to be Shakespeare in a Sonic game. You just need to be memorable and entertaining while fulfilling your role. And the Heavies do that with considerable ease.

The Execution: This might come as a surprise to you, but I love the shit out of the Heavies.

How can you hate this???

You have to understand that an overwhelming number of villains in this franchise not named Eggman have not only ranged from mediocre to terrible, they've also had a tendency of feeling the same as each other. When it's not a giant monster with little backstory of genuine interest, it's a guy dressed in all black who does evil for evil's sake. And that's without adding the recolours and their penchant for gaining disproportionate fandoms simply for being recolours.

Why is it, then, that a group who are all based on the same robot succeed where those villains fail?

Well, I'd argue there's a few elements at work there. The obvious one is that they're simply better implemented, and they leave an impression through their boss encounters and animations rather than whether or not they played tonsil hockey with Shadow or Amy in a fanfic. Another factor is that unlike other villains, they were never hyped up to be the Raddest, Baddest, Greatest Enemy of All Time for Sonic, and thus they didn't run the risk of not being able to live up to that claim. They were allowed to simply exist and do their own thing, as one addition to help compliment an overall package.

You could also argue that their status as a group works in their favor too, as it helps to make each of their traits pop out that little bit more. And they're honestly really clever with their strategies, like how Magician transforms into forgotten characters to spice things up, or how Shinobi's shurikens aren't actually shurikens, but rather Asterons, one of the most notorious enemies in the series. And need I mention Rider using a goddamn Motobug like it's a steed? These characters could have been very throwaway, but there's a surprising level of thought put into how each of them work, and giving them a characteristic spin that works to Sonic's tastes, and considering this is the same franchise that gave us a bad guy named Black Doom, I'd say it's worth noting.

"...Please explain why Boobie Bots Weekly is in my search history."

So yes, in this world where Dooms and Mephiles's's's's's's have been running rampant, the Hard-Boiled Heavies share their creator's honor of making a name for themselves. And as much as I have a fondness for the Deadly Six in spite of their issues (Zazz and Zor are still hilarious, fight me), I will agree without argument that the Heavies are a much better execution of the quirky boss group format on the overall side of things. And I swear to GodJesus and the Bear, if they never make a single appearance past their debut, I will be a very sad panda. If they can give Silver and his tiresome schtick countless second chances (and failing to make it interesting every single time), they can sure as hell give these juggernauts another go.

But until then, at least we still have Mania. Now if you'll excuse me, Shinobi's about to teleport behind me. Hope it's nothing personal.

Crusher Gives the Hard-Boiled Heavies a: Thumbs Up!