#adult books are also dog shit im sorry i really dont give a shit about a divorced tennis player who wont quit fuck off

[twunkzilla]

Ngl I think the young adult genre actually is what got me to stop reading as a kid like as soon as I hit 6th grade I was like why is this all fucking garbage

[gayfrenchtoast]

Okay fine we're doing this. I havent read the books and I'm probably not going to I've only seen the movies so I'm sorry if anything I say is contradictory or has already been stated.

So! Descendants 3 was kinda shit and I dont like it but especially because of the ending because everybody was like "oh yeah island is open and we're all happy with no worries or implications about free villains or people being spiteful about being imprisoned for years!" In fact if anything they joked about those things.

The island is basically its own culture, I can't say how long it's been around, long enough for some almost adult kids to be about and to develop a kind of community.

The Isle is a place of poverty, people are dirty and on the street, eveyone steals from each other and most people don't put much effort into appearance upkeep (personal or of the sourounding area) not because of laziness or being "evil" but because they clearly don't have time or luxury to do such things or possibly even the clean water. Does the Isle have clean water?? How to they get electricity??? Someone tell me!

Another thing that I've noticed is easy to see but is not much explicitly said is the unique style of those on the Isle. As previously stated they don't have much but those who have the most "power" and such on the Isle are the best example of this As they have the most colourful outfits. However these outfits are often made out of patches and ripped things put together, even salvaged things like nets and chains as we can see on thing like Uma and Harry's outfits in D3 they make the best of what they've got and they do fantastic because their outfits are intricate and detailed and just tell you everything you need to know about them. Which is why it's a damn s h a m e when the original VK's ajust their style to be more like Auradon's. That's not an improvement! Be proud of where you came from!! It's like they forgot what it was like being on the Isle in D3!

Moving on, here's something that was touched on in D2 but not enough. Equality. On the Isle there is basically equal opportunity as in saying everything is shit and nome cares what gender and presumably what sexuality you are as long as you can work. Sexism is shown to be almost casual in aurodon from the looks of it, Chad makes sexist comments and litterally none else says anything or seems to see anything wrong with it except Jay who caves to pressure from peers and expectations. He does redeem himself because he's from the isle and he knows you shouldn't give a shit about anyone's gender or anything. If they can do something and ask to be included you give them that opportunity. The sexism is also implied in the way that the rule book has men written specifically in the first place and that it has taken until then for anyone but boys to be allowed on any kind of sports team. We never see it! It seems to be the hetronormative veiw where the boys do sport and girls do cheerleeding and other genders? What other genders? Never heard of that? BAD AURADON!! I bet there's so many trans folk on the island just living their lives, thinking Aurodon is the better place and not knowing that it's a cis het filled nightmare.

Okay no I'm headcannoning now, if their are now a bunch of Isle kids at auradon prep they find it fucking aweful the way all these preppy royals are treating them and make the first LGBT club in Auradon. There is lots of pushback and they get bullied a fuck ton for making themselves the most prominent queer folk in the school until a fight breaks out and the club demand that they should be treated better, taking all the evidence to fairy godmother who is very hesitant because COME ON she's never been that great she is biased to Auradon kids and if putting away those in the Isle is brought up she is all on it, she is jelly spined about doing anything against the royal kids. So the kids are like "Fine, if you won't help us we'll take this to the King himself!" Well mainly the queer mom's of the group (you know the ones I'm talking about) who lead the others and protect the anxious queers as they storm to Ben at his fucking locker and demand an audience because they are being harassed and bullied and none is doing anything. Ben had no idea there was even a LGBT club (too busy ig) and is gassed there is one for a moment before he's like "wait people are harassing you?" So Bisexual King Ben gets his lovely Bi wife and they start coming to club meetings and investing in the pins and stuff the club makes. Most club members are pleased but the queer mom's are apprehensive that this will help until some assholes come to the club to do their usual bullying only to find King and Queen Beast themselves siting there with rainbow bracelets and bi pins and all trying to have a nice old time eating their fucking cupcakes what the fuck are yall doing? The bullying dies down quick once they realise it ain't gonna fly, the other OG VK's that hear about this become members and very protective over their queer children. Did I mention Dizzy and Ceila are a part of the club? They're girlfriend's. Celia is one of the queer moms. Harry becomes one of the biggest protectors over the group as the pan dad. He's been going around snogging everyone and anyone wholl snog him everyone already knew he was queer they just didn't have the balls to try and bully him over it as much as they bullied the lil club members. But now Harry can often be seen in jackets and shit with pan and general queer patches and pins and running around with his gay children yelling "MOVE WE'RE GAY!!" He totally calls them his queer crew. Anyway as a result lots of queer royals start coming out of the woodwork, obvs Lonnie is one of them, and the club eventually serves to bring members of Auradon and the Isle close together.

Where was I? Yada yada auradon expects girls to be pretty princesses and boys to be brave knights or dashing princes. It's shit and should stop being portrayed as good. Moving on!

Food! One of the things we'll established in all movies is that the food of the Isle is shit compared to food of Auradon. The Isle has no fresh fruit which likely means its almost impossible for things to grow there which is fair because again there doesn't seem to be much fresh water and there are always clouds overhead so no sun. Maybe there is some people trying really hard to grow stuff but the general attitude of the Isle seems to be "there is no time for that" and fruits are forgotten so much that the VK's litterally don't knownwhat they are when they come across them. That and anything containing sugar. Actually it's mention by Dizzy and Celia that they enjoy the fact that the cake dosent have dirt or flies so basically food there is terrible. We don't see much food on the Isle but what we do see seems to be beans, eggs, chips and shellfish. Basically protine and carbs that can be easily stored and produced. To be fair beans are kidna good for you but they're likely a sign that if they get any imports from the mainland it is canned stuff. Prison food. There's probably some chef villain that is trying their best to make good food out of the shit but honestly the Isle dwellers should be angry that they've been deprived of good food for so long not happy they're finally been given decency.

Moving on, music! Auradon dosent have nearly as many musical numbers it seems, the Isle songs have a distinct style, to them, the villains that basically "founded" the place were masters of the dramatic songs (with backup or solo) so banging music is basically ingrained in the music's culture, even for battle as we see with the fight between Mal and Uma in D3. Meanwhile Auradon seems to have mainly romance and "I want" songs. Even Audrey's villain song is basically an I want song.

Okay let's talk about the Villains. We've established that the VK's are not inherently bad. However not all of them can be totally good and there are legit OG Villains just kinda chillin on the Isle. They've obviously lost quite a bit of their power, motivation and sanity (isolation will do that to ya as they lost everything and the VKs know no different) but deadass? They were bad guys. You can try to rehabilitate them sure but you've basically just let them free roam, they could make a runner and you wouldn't get the chance. They were also shitty patents which is brushed over/joked about in the interaction between Carlos and...man I feel bad I forgot her name deadass their relationship seemed to come out of nowhere in the second film she didn't seem interested in them at all and friendzoned them multiple times I'm pretty sure Disney did that becaue queer kids were relating to Carlos and headcanoning them as queer (which they deffinatly are) but deadass their mom is an attempted animal murderer and has hurt her child as we can see from how they're afraid of her and her rhetoric and yet it's "haha I'm afraid to meet your ma!" "Me too cus im a dog! Lol!" Fuuuuck offfffff

I think I'm running out of thoughts so here's a last one for now; with the magical barrier down a bunch of magical Villains kids should be coming out for the woodwork. We know Mal has magic basically stored in her so it's is possible, she technically doesn't need the spellbook to do magic it is just inherent to her. So with the diverse range of people from the isle there are deffinatly magic folk in there. Actually if we're following Disney movie law I saw something mentioning Jay being half Genie and yeah! He should be half Genie! Jafar got turned into a Genie he's probably only human because of the barrier! Oh also Ben should be able to go beast on command as long as he had a better beast form than he did in the movies. And give him back the beard and fangs like fuck you he looked so much better

Okay I'm done for now

[richietoaster]

Review/Reaction of IT Chapter Two

Let’s just start right off the bat and let me just say that Bill Hader better get a fucking award for his performance.

Alright. Here we go y’all. im trying to stay in order with what happened but so much happened in the movie that my brain is just all over the place so excuse me while i try to form words

UNDER THE CUT CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS

• first opening scene is a fucking LOT okay like i sobbed my eyes out and it was just not cool. adrian and his boyfriend? CUTE AF. Him getting brutally beat up and then killed by Pennywise while Don just watches? NOT CUTE AF

• Mike is a precious boy and I love him so. He cares about his friends so much holy shit. they all get mad at him for lying to them tho.But he only did it to protect them. Mike knew some SHIT(tm) our boy is so smart?? I’m glad they kept to his original storyline

• Older Bill gave himself so much shit this film and i just felt so bad. like we know it isnt ur fault okay?? We know you loved your brother, stop putting yourself down. also?? him becoming protective over dean? please stop my aching heart. 

• Jessica Chastain owns my whole heart and she can kick my ass anyday. She plays Bev so well and captures young bev’s personality so well. her scene with mrs kersh was very weird. i knew the second she ran naked in the hall i’d be seeing some weird fucking shit okay 

• Jay Ryan could kick me and I would personally thank him like?? wow what a man. He immediately recognizes bev when he first sees her and im just?? im happy. so many hidden new kids on the block reference and it had me fucking rolling in my grave

• JAMES FUCKING RANSONE MY DUDE OH LORD okay listen. he gives off young eddie’s panic and chaotic energy so perfectly i felt like i was watching him as an adult, who just never grew up. I think thats what he was going for honestly. He played eddie SO FUCKING WELL 

• I’m so sad about stan. THats all you need to know okay. I’ll talk about his letter later on in this. Stan deserved better. that’s all. 

• if you are not a fan of vomit you’re not gonna enjoy richie tozier. literally any time something bad happens hes just like ah shit here we go again *vomits* and honestly? that made me laugh. like hes just like oh shit something is happening let.. let me just.. no no its fine guys ill catch up.. EHBWFIJHDFSIJ no okay but bill hader stole the fucking show. his acting was phenomenal and,, again,, i’ll add more onto that later. 

• richie scares the shit out of dean. because he thinks hes pennywise. but can you blame him? the kid just. stared at him all creepy and shit. but its so funny. the losers make fun of him bc he doesnt know his own lines from his acts and richies just like “I dont write my own material” and eddies just like “I KNEW IT! I FUCKING KNEW IT” dead. goodbye.

• Young losers were still my favorite part honestly. Eddie kept bouncing that stupid ball in stan’s face in the clubhouse and i was waiting for him to get punched in the face tbh. That didn’t even seem like eddie, that was Jack’s energy bursting through the seams lmfao

• young eddie runs into a fucking box and shrieks and if that isn’t me idk ewhdfiajksjdoi 

• THE FUCKING. HAMMOCK. SCENE. okay listen to me. thats gay. hammocks are now gay. gays only. gay interacts only. the bickering between reddie had me in TEARS. eddie kept kicking at his face and just?? casually??? lays on him when richie wont move?? 

• stan’s fucking shower cap ehfdiujasdiosa and then richie being like “nobodys afraid of spiders stanley okay” and eddie slowly removes his because he cares what richie thinks more than spiders ok

• a flashback from after they defeated IT in the first move with reddie “eddie youve been gone for 24 hours your face is most likely on a milk carton by now” “shut up richie” 

• yong Richie has me weak af this whole movie, like always. just getting on Eddie’s case. HE PINES SO HARD OH Y GOD Like wow my sweet boy is so fucking in love ouch. which?? BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT??

• THE ARCADE SCENE?? he checks out the kid standing next to him and tries to get him to hang out more and then the other kid tells him to stop being weird because he’s not gay, too, and then uses the F slur. richie was just so hurt. paul bunyun scene happens after that and hes just like “I just shit my pants” and i cried. 

• pennywise screaming “lets play truth or dare, you wouldnt pick truth! you dont want them to know your secret” gave off the same energy as eddie’s leper blowjob scene from the book. same energy. do with that as you will. 

• they had some flashbacks that included pennywise and im not sure if this was before or after they had defeated IT in the first movie but i interpreted it as after and if thats the case... hes supposed to be dead. but now thinking back on it, it was probably just more scenes before they put pennywise to rest for 27 years. 

• young richie went to the kissing bridge after that and we ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE. fucking.. r + e :((( although we don’t see him carving the E. but reddie is canon so suck toes antis

• stephen king pretty much being like “I know u and ur endings really do suck” to bill when he comes to buy his bike was so fucking funny. it almost felt like a self insert lmfao. ALSO HIM MAKING BILL PAY 300 BUCKS FOR THE BIKE BC HE KNEW HE COULD AFFORD IT? iconic. 

• richie and eddie opening the door to the dog had me laughing. pennywise was just mocking them at that point. they’d be such good dog dads and now im sad

• i was really confused because they added part of stan’s bar mitzvah?? like it wasn’t even the same from the first movie. like they should’ve just put the deleted scene in from ch. 1 and then added that part. thats one of my very few complaints. im slowly hiding them in here. 

• henry bowers was kinda irrelevant in this honestly but thank you eddie for stabbing him and richie for killing him for trying to kill mike yall heroes 

• BEVS BLOOD SCENE ?? CORRESPONDING WITH BENS BURIED ALIVE SCENE? poetic cinema. 10/10

• the big fight really disappointed me in all honesty. but i think thats because andy said he cut so much from there. i expect it to be better with the director’s cut

• eddie saving richie and then immediately being stabbed by pennywise’s claw? IM DEPRESSED.

• “Rich! rich, i did it! i think i killed him!” Our boy was so happy with himself :( 

• eddie’s last words WERE NOT “i fucked your mom”. he was talking to richie and you can hear them talking while the rest are preparing to end pennywise. so im hoping we get that as a deleted scene. 

• richie goes back to help finish pennywise but when he goes to check on eddie.. he’s dead. ://// and bev is like “richie, come on, honey.. im sorry” and richie does not want to believe him. he grabs and hugs eddie so tight i swear i could feel that hug from the audience. 

• another thing im disappointed in and am sliding in is some of the animations? Like. fucking weird. but okay. luckily i didn’t care too much.  

• THE SOB that richie lets out when he holds eddie really hurt my fucking soul jesus christ just kill me

• the losers try cheering him up after and like. thats their friend too but you can just totally tell he’s crying in a different type of grief. THAT WAS HIS FIRST FUCKING LOVE. 

• they all remember after and thats really important to me okay

• stan writes letters and its spoken outloud while the other losers get little montages of what theyre doing with their life after the battle. Richie goes back to the kissing bridge and recarves- YES RECARVES AND YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THE E BEFORE HE DOES- he recarves the E and while doing it, stan’s voice says “be proud of who you are” and im fucking cry ibg okay

• in the end, i give this movie a 7/10 rating. although some of the animations were weird and some of the flashbacks had pennywise in it (like hes supposed to be currently dead but ok... maybe nightmares??) the actors were PHENOMENAL and the chemistry between older richie and older eddie made me so happy. my ship is canon. but im still sad about stan and eddies death. 

• ignoring canon in 3.. 2.. 1.. now 

[thedappleddragon]

last night I dreamed that I was an archeologist tortoise and I was looking at dozens of “human” skeletons in Buckingham palace that was also my backyard. the skeletons all looked like combo human and turtle because the whole torso looked basically like the first google image result for sea turtle skeleton. then my sister woke me up, giving me a comforter and telling me my mom need help with some things.  cleaned up around the living room and did some laundry and boiled some eggs and made meatloaf and swept the floor. the meatloaf turned out surprisingly good, idk what I did differently. I evemtually went back to my room and tried to remember what I wanted to do today. last night as I was falling asleep I told myself that I was gonna clear off my desk so I could finally use it, so I moved some stuff around and set up my laptop. I havent been able to sit at a real actual desk in SO LONG and its SO NICE to have just like a space where I can sit down and work and have a chair that will support my back instead of sitting cross legged on my bed or laying down while doing stuff on my laptop. it almost makes me feel productive even I'm just playing the sims. I feel especially cool when im just typing out whatever bullshit because it makes me feel like im at an office job typing up ~important documents~ :) idk man I think quarantine has changed me lmao. if im getting this many emotions from just being able to sit down at a desk and do ANYTHING idk how im gonna handle collage. I keep calling whetever im doing (playing the sims, scrolling through Tumblr, typing up this summary of the day) work because it just. feels nice sitting at a desk and typing. even if it’s dumb bullshit!! idk how to describe it I just feel amazing. it makes me feel like im writing a paper with all the horrible parts like research and thinking. the sound of typing on my MacBook makes me feel like im in school again, but without the horrible stressful parts. idk mn I know I've been going on about this desk and stuff for too long and im gonna hate it if I eventually read back through these daily logs but I just feel so nice. ill change topics anyway. I hung up my calendar again! I literally didn't have any open wall space aside from maybe the wall behind my bed but why the hell would I put a calendar where I can't see it. instead its kind of hanging above my closet. I pinned it to the wooden board in the “doorway” (idk what other word to use) where there would normally be sliding doors that open and shut if they hadn't been taken off YEARS ago. I also played a lot of the sims 4, juggling aspirations for 5 sims. I quit because I got frustrated that all my sims are dumb and the ai Is buggy and doesn't let me do what I want them to do. I also plopped in a house on my family’s old lot and spent some time adjusting the colors and the trees and adding those paper craft cieling things that can either have stars or leaves or snowflakes that came in the free winter holiday stuff pack and holy shit as soon as I found those I think they became my new favorite decoration item. I threw them everywhere but eventually took down most of them, leaving some leaf ones in the bedroom. I was gonna move in a family of a bunch of young adults and children to help with the first kid’s serial romantic aspiration and one of the twin’s social butterfly aspiration, but I ended up not doing that in favor of just decorating more and playing with the family some more. one thing I realized while playing is that there are fucking MICE in my CIELING. well not really in the cieling, in the attic, but I can hear them chewing on shit and its sucks. I would turn on a fan to drown out the noise but my room is fucking FREEZING. I threw the blanket back over my window hoping that it would keep heat from escaping but I don't think that really did anything. so after freezing my ass off I got fed up and put on fluffy socks under normal socks, wore my owl onesie as pants over my shorts, put on my comfy (oversized hoodie), and threw a fluffy blanket over my shoulders. thankfully I was pretty cozy after that, but as I type this after taking off the cosy and blanket, I can feel my toes getting cold again. damnit. ANYWAY after quitting the sims for the night I ate some salad and got a heart shaped crouton :) and I scrolled through Tumblr for a bit. then I decided to finally work on the paws my friend wanted. but I couldn't find the pattern so I instead worked on the brown paws instead. I could only work on them so much, since I still have to finish the lining before I can do much else. I attached the backs of the fingers to the back of the hand. I didnt get much down but what matters is that I did SOMETHING. I'm gonna keep an eye out for that pattern that I need, and if I cant find it, I'll just make a new pattern. tbh I think thad’s be the better way to go anyway since I wouldn't have to figure out how the fuck the old one goes together and I can also have a pattern that perfectly fits the foam underneath. also tbh i have mixed feeling about the white paws my friend wants. I like how dextrous they are and how easily you can emote and move your fingers, but I dont like how ovular I made the paw pads and the hints of black thread peaking out where I sewed the pads from the back. I WOULD just remake them with the free curl works pattern im using for the brown paws but I figure I might as well finish this pair since there’s already one done and the foam interior is already made. whatever. I dont wanna think about it too much. I also dont like the head that goes with the paws, it was a fish job in comparison to my first head and I kinda hate it. but I think I'll eventually get some longer fur for the neck and a hair poof and cheeks (maybe) and do a little refurbishing and give it to my friend if she ever wants it, since it matches the paws and all. I have lots of plans for my 2 WIP heads but not all the materials/motivation. plus I just need to let the ideas stir before I do unything, making sure they’re goof before I act on them. I'm exited that I can shave down fur relativey easily and evenly without an electric dog shaver, which opens up a lot of opportunities. anyway as I was working on the brown paws I had TAZ on in the background and it still baffles me a little bit how different griffin and Matt mercer operate as dms like holy shit. its really funny. and it got me thinking about how I wouldn't mind dming for my friend group if he chance ever arose. I DO have the forgotten realms campaign setting book. I haven't actually looked at it but I assume it has a few pre-built quests and plot lines n stuff in it. I'll probably take a better look at in the morning when it’s not 1:40 am. dang now I'm thinking about my Minecraft dnd idea again. I think the real problem keeping me from being a dm is that I CANNOT keep a straight face when doing improv/roleplaying, so I dont know how well I could hold together a world for them to play in. I would love to give it a try tho. not with the Minecraft idea at the same time, fuck no. I would need to do like. a classic vanilla dnd experience the first time, maybe even using our tiefling family characters since I'm at least a little familiar with them. can you dm and also play your own character? is that fair? is that a think you can do? I think that could be fun but also hard to juggle and also maybe kinda suck because you’d already know all the answers to all the puzzles. meh. actually now I kind of really want to look through thet book tonight instead of in the morning. also I mentioned overnight oats a few days ago I think, and the first morning it was kinda gross, the second time I ate it was still a little gross texture wise, but I finished it off tonight and it was pretty good. maybe next time I'll try it without the banana and a little less milk and maybe slice up an apple into little cubes for texture. hell yeah peanut butter apple cinnamon brown sugar overnight oats. that sound pretty dang good actually. I'll try that some time, but I dont think I can right now because I dont think we have any apples in the house. phooey. I should also probably put this oatmeal cp in the sink before it becomes impossible to clean. holy shit how long have I been writing? SEE THE DESK MAKES ME JUST WANNA KEEP WRITING AND WRITING FOREVER I FEEL SO PRODUCTIVE EVEN IF IM NOT DOING ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE!! I love just typing and typing forever its so soothing just hearing the tapping of the keyboard and getting my thought out without actually having to think that hard about it. goddamn im never gonna read back through this this is a nightmare lmao. no paragraph breaks no capitalization no nothin. I dont even wanna stop typing even though my arm is starting to hurt a little but from leaning the edge of the desk. now im thinking about the movie soul again and the cat as it rides on the escalator to the great beyond and how that dude in the band was the main characters student and how that scene with the girl trying to quit music and then immediately changed her mind didnt make any sense. like what the hell I dont understand that scene at all. also thinking about the transition where he’s like “ok repeat after me” as he’s in the cat and the camera goes over the mom’s shoulder and it’s just him talking, I like how they did that instead of doing dialouge between him and the cat. idk man. I think maybe I should stop typing now since my body is starting to hurt. sorry for putting this H U G E wall of text on your dash but I just like typing out my thoughts :) goodnight!

edit: OH I forgot to talk about something else!! last night I was thinking about valentines day and how cute it would be to have a little overall dress in the pattern on one of my childhood blankets, its like a light pink with white hearts on it so I looked up some fabrics and none of them were the right pattern. I also looked up a sewing pattern that I think would look nice and its on sale right now! I totally want to try and make it, but fabric is expensive so I think I might look at dollar tree for fleece baby blankets because I know they have them there, I bought a few a while ago for some plush sewing projects. they’re decently sized so I think I could do it.idk how many I would need to buy tho. or I might go to goodwill and look for a pink sheet? I have a thin pink blanket that could theoretically work but I want to use a planet im not attached to. or even just find a few big shirts in the same shade of pink? then I could maybe line it with something. I have red purple and white satin but that’s literally the worst fuckin fabric in the world to work with. my first experience with sewing was trying to make plushies out of satin and holy hell idk how I did it. anyway even though I literally never wear dresses I think it would be a fun project to try and make myself a cute little valentines dress. :) I could even give myself POCKETS >:)))

[perillaleafs]

For the ask game: literally i'd find it super interesting if you answered all of them?? haha sorry if that's too much

aaa im yelling im on it! im love doin them ilysm!

1. describe your idea of a perfect dateuhh dinner date? or just walkin around w snacks, maybe a picnic?

2. whats your “type”fuck i have No idea like. people sre nice and if youre good at hugs and you can ground me abd give me support abd have my back… hell yeah.

3. do you want kids?no. i have a lot of grief cause i have a lot of pride in knowing languages and im just not like. able to pass that on and i really dont want them to feel alienated with having an identity as a poc, depending on who/what/how whatever happens w kids. also i just dont like babies and i dont wsnt to raise a child. hmu with puppies or kittens tho

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?^^

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been onwent to starbucks in october last school year and we shared a hoy choc and she held my hand.

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)im still 16 im not gna answer this one. also irl people follow me

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?night! time! if u see me awake at like 5 am, its cause i havent gone to bed

8. opinion on nap dates?yes love it?? nevr done one before but im want one

9. opinion on brown eyes?yes?? uhm??? underrated. also brown eyes are so nice esp when theyre like dark and they look really black and they reflect like everything

10. dog gay or cat gay?both? im an indecisive asshole

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?yes?? i want a reptile when im an adult or st. i think geckos are cute n so are snakes.. rodents are good i love rats and i love lil mice and buns and god i Love animals

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someoneat least somewhat similar in political/social thoughts like. idk i tend to not get along w people when theyre all “communism sucks and im 200% a liberal!”

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?shit idk ive been gay since i was 11 and i have no memory

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger selffuck it youre not cis. also everything isnt supposed to be that bad. looking back everything suckd and it still does! but things will gradually get better and you will feel a little better and you will mess up and there will be bad days/weeks/months. but things will turn out alright. be patient.

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?yessssss for sure!! idk how to go in depth cause i am basically a child

16. who is an ex you regret?i literally have not been jn a legit relationship, i had a secret one that i tried to keep on the dl in 7-8th grade, my parents still dont know about it :0anyways i wish i didnt do that and that i uh. avoided that. i was a gay kiddo in middle school tho. hm. mixed feelins bout this one

17. night club gay or cafe gay?cafe!! went to a gay kids night at a local night club and my anxiety was uh. comment dit on “very bad”

18. who is one person you would “go straight” forfuck everythings gay when youre not a binary person. but this boy named rowan at my school i guess. hes like high all the time but hes rlly hot. bad rep with dating though so idk.

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?olive the above assholes

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)hm. dont judge me on this one but klance from voltron is cute. also korrasami

21. favourite gay youtuberi dont watch youtubers specifically!! i stick to animal vids and music lyric videos and shit. idk.

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?no i have anxiety

23. have you ever been in love?i dont think so?, like i have nt seriously done anything™ so how would i know.. u know? but i just dony think so.. not yet at least..

24. have you ever been heartbroken?tbh? yeah recently i was mega crushing on a boy i was friends w and i was ready to go but i found out he had a girlfriend so :/ its ok. in hindsight if i did ask him out, i doubt anythhing good wouldve happened

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someonemake lists. also talkin it out and thinkin bout it for a long time and seeing how you feel about similat people that you have Definite feeling about ie. i figured out i wanted 2 be the boy i mentioned above cause basically i was jealous his voice dropped and mine cant rn cause im not doin hrt stuff yet :/

26. favourite lgb musician/bandjanelle monae is my wife

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gaysbe patient. like theeres this feeling of euphoria when u figure out like “o thats me! i am (whatever u identify as)” and its great! but know thats not forever and know yhat things change a lot and things will just kinda.. sink in. just be patient and go with whatever happens yknow. like chill. relax. have a nice time

28. are you out? if so how did you come outyeah! i uhhh have been out 2 school people thru social media and whatnot and just.. having a gay aura in general. but i gave my parents a letter to read

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have my art teacher was like.. “……. so u use they/them pronouns right………..” and all i said was “ya” and that was it

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexualityfuck. tbh i dont know cause i got really lucky with parents/school/having support. but know its temporary. things will be better. just hold on

[thedegenerateasexual]

another big old fuckin rape warning jfc

incest warning too i guess? lmao this book

AN ENTIRE FLASHBACK CHAPTER im not ready

four days after the first encounter and kate hasn't made another move - "But she hadn't moved from the lifeguard perch all week, hadn't even spoken to him. She'd just watched him like a hawk, gaze trained on him, as he'd stroked through the water. One by one the other swimmers had left, and he'd remained behind, torn between disappointment that she hadn't done it again, and complete and utter relief that she was staying away from him."

and then she does: "He swam lap after lap beneath her scrutiny. Then, just as he did one last flip-kick and headed for the stairs in the shallow end, he felt the vibration of her approach in the water. And then she was swimming alongside him. He couldn't believe it. He didn't know what else to do except to keep swimming. What was he supposed to do? ... He thought about all those human, adult things that he hadn't done, that she obviously had—get a job, have a car..."

so then they stop swimming, and she takes his hand:

She smiled at him, much more shyly than he would have expected. She looked down, then peered up at him through her lashes.

"What you must think of me," she murmured.

His heart was pounding so hard he was sure that she could hear it. He had no idea what to say to her, and he also had no idea how to get out of the pool without embarrassing himself.

Except . . . he didn't want to get out of the pool. He wanted to kiss her.

"There's something about you," she whispered. "I've been thinking about you all week. I tried to stay away. I mean, you're a student and I'm . . . well, I'm not a teacher. But I'm close. To being a teacher."

She swirled her fingers through the water. "And this really isn't my style, you know? I don't come on to men like this."

Men. She thought of him as a man. He licked his lips, completely tongue-tied.

what kills me about this is that this is what he does in the show when confronted with kate, or other things that make him uncomfortable (jennifer) - when derek can't think of the right thing to say he goes dead fucking silent. he just plain stops talking. & i'm like devasated at the idea that it's a lifelong habit 

and then, this is the most manipulative part:

"I wish you'd say something," she murmured. "I'm kind of dying right about now. I'm sorry if I misread your intentions. I won't bother you again."

His intentions? Misread them? He was baffled. But then he thought about all the looks he had thrown her way. How he'd glanced up at the lifeguard tower every time he'd made a turn to head down the lane. Maybe he had been sending out signals.

THAT'S TEXTBOOK GASLIGHTING JESUS CHRIST HE'S SIXTEEN

it gets worse! she "assumes" he has a girlfriend and pretends to be all shocked when he says he doesn't because he's "so handsome and all" and then says "look this is happening in such an awkward way i dont mean to crowd you im just drawn to you i cant rly explain it" exCUSE me oh my god and then adds "but i don't want you to think i'm just after, well, YOU KNOW" THAT'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE but he's sixteen and never had a girlfriend so he doesn't know any better!!!!

so she asks if he wants to go for coffee and show her around and then adds "we'd have to be careful bc outsiders wouldn't understand" i'm pretty sure they'd understand just fine :///

like i knew it was like this but im still so outraged on his behalf jesus

and he's thinking about how he doesn't know any coffee places in beacon hills bc he spends most of his time out of the community but SHE says:

"I think we're both having the same thought," she murmured. "Privacy."

Privacy, as in being careful not to be seen together while they were hanging out? Or privacy as in . . . oh, God, was she serious?

"So we can get to know each other." She pondered a moment. "Would you think I was too forward if I invited you to my apartment? Just for coffee?"

and he's like panicking running through his options bc he wants to go but he's supposed to meet laura and there's only one car - she offers to drive him home, and oh, wouldn't she just love to know where the hale house is - but eventually he just says he needs to check in with his sister first - and she's like, "laura hale? oh dont be startled i made some discreet inquiries about you" and it doesn't trip his creep radar bc he doesn't have any life experiences but holy fuck that's like right next door to stalking

as an aside i don't like how they use wolf as a verb in this book it's weird - he began to wolf, his eyesight wolfed - like nah. no thanks

uhhhhh so derek asks laura to pick him up in 3 hours and she's like "whats in it for me" and he's like "i wont tell dad i saw you frenching josh" JOSH THEIR COUSIN??

the exact words were josh was peter's sister-in-law's kid

that's, uh

i mean that means peter's brother's kid, then, right? which means laura and derek's blood cousin???? alright then

oh god kate came in the locker room in JUST A TOWEL while he was talking he can't get a minute away from her

laura's like "ur gonna go do something slutty with a human aren't you" THIS IS CONTRADICTING SEASON 1 CANON LOL derek never told anybody about kate! laura is super weird in this book if my 16yo little brother was about to go sleep with a teacher i would never be so chill about it

Oh, sweetie, getting your attention is like shooting fish in a barrel, Kate thought as she drove Derek in her car to her apartment. It was across the street from a bar, which, from her point of view, was convenient for when she wanted to hang out with the grown-ups. She was wearing a pair of jeans, heeled boots, and a black low-cut cashmere sweater. I can practically hear you slobbering. It's like you're a big puppy dog and I am a juicy steak.

this dialogue.......

i wasn't like, having the worst time reading this book, it wasn't actually that bad, but jesus

oh my god

"The thrill of this new hunt raced through her. The euphoria of the chase. She never, ever got tired of dangling herself in front of males of all kinds. It was no accident that in ancient Greece, the deity in charge of the hunt was a goddess—Artemis. Beside her, Derek "Aquaman" Hale had his head resting on the back of the seat and his eyes closed. He was really good-looking. This was not going to be the most difficult thing she'd ever done in her life."

good GOD 

so she offers him a drink, and starts with coffee, but quickly escalates to wine: "I like to have a little something to unwind after I'm at the pool, you know? Lucky thing I live across the street from a bar." She said that to goose him a little, remind him she was a woman, with a woman's needs.

and that he's sixteen.

now she's talking about how she doesn't even know if derek and the hales are the wolf pack she's looking for: She had her orders, but she had to be sure. Kill werewolves, and you were a hero. Kill people, and you were a mass murderer. The group she was involved with had detected werewolf activity in Beacon Hills, and she just had a feeling about the Hales. Of course, there were several other large families in the area that might make up the pack she was seeking. Derek's furtiveness and hesitation might have nothing to do with her assignment. There were reasons other than being a werewolf for not wanting to bring home someone who was way too old for you. It hadn't dawned on him to question the motives of a pretty woman who was coming on to him. He believed what he chose to believe.

apparently she has some tragic backstory w/ this? "Menwerewolves and humanswere so simple. They always assumed you wanted them. Some fat man on a couch burping and watching cage matches? Oh, yeah, you wanted him. A guy who threw you around the room and accused you of cheating on him? Oh, yeah, you wanted him. Like a hole through your heart. But the good one? The one that you really did want? A flash of rage roared through Kate, but she kept it at bay. She could feel it trying to take over, like a wolf scratching at her door. Rage was not her enemy. Rage got the job done. In ancient Greece—land of Lycoan, said to be the first werewolf—men who pissed off the goddess Artemis were ripped to shreds by her hunting dogs. Several times a day, Kate dreamed about ripping various people to shreds. Of course, she never acted on it. She left that for others much less able to control their savagery." see, like, if derek wasn't 16, i could buy bad men in her life leading her to want to use men like this, but derek is a boy and she talks continuously about how innocent he is, so like...no slide

i know i'm just doing a lot of copypasta rn but it speaks for itself: "She watched as Sweetie Derek politely moved a packing carton off her sofa and sat down. What a body. Still boyish, but with the sweet promise of a truly splendid man. If she was right about the Hales, Derek would never become a man. Just as he wasn't really a boy. He was a monster hidden inside a human disguise." that aligns pretty well with the "they're all just a bunch of dumb animals to me" shit she talks in 1.11, also, "Sweetie Derek," this is so horrible

she finally pours them wine and leans against the counter to "give him a view" - "She waited for his response. He was staring at her body. Wanting her. Intimidated by her. She loved it." like this is SO BAD AND EXPLICIT she really does just love that he's young and unsure it's FUCKED

so then we switch to derek pov, and they eat like a light lunch of sandwiches with a long awkward silence, and he does a lot of internal monologuing about how cool it would be if she could come home and meet his family and be her mate

which like...i know how teenagers are but he met her five days ago. tbh real grooming, which is definitely what she's doing, takes longer than that, but i guess we were going for brevity here lol

(in this book derek's dad is the alpha? but in season 3 talia is, so i guess they changed werewolves then to be matriarchial like hunters)

like, she's asking him questions about himself - lucky number, favorite color - she asks him if he believes in fate. he keeps clamming up and she keeps trying to get him to talk so she finally asks about his swimming and he blurts out that there's just so much pressure, even though he can't really tell people about his "double life" and she like IMMEDIATELY responds with "yeah ofc there is hs is so rough like the ppl you have to hang out with some are still like babies and some are all rown up and ready for the real world like you" like...this is classic grooming techniques

and he's like flattered and think she's mega hot but he's also really nervous, and when she leans into his space and asks if he's ready: "He set down his sandwich. His heart was about to burst out of his chest. His body was quivering and trembling. He felt as if he were burning up." and he does say yes so i assume they banged but THANK god the chapter cut to black

[rinpanna]

tagged in this Meme by @kageyama-tobiyo SMASH that mofo read more if u give a shit abt my existence 

1. Are you named after someone? 

i’m pretty sure i’m named after my mom’s grandmother??

2. When was the last time you cried? 

I think it was like a month or so ago, my mom was being overcontrolling and i kinda lost it (SHES A REALLY GREAT PERSON LIKE 99% OF THE TIME THO IT WAS JUST YEARS OF BUILD UP EXPLODING AT ONCE)

3. Do you like your handwriting? 

I joke a lot about how my handwriting is shit, which it is, but i still like it because it’s MINE and only mine you know??

4. What is your favorite lunch meat? 

“Im not much of a lunch meat kind of girl. Peanut butter is my thing.” THIS ANSWER DEFINES ME PERFECTLY, THANKS DAWN (i eat 3 jar of pb in 2 day)

5. Do you have kids? i am a MINOR!!!!!!!!!

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? not to sound narcissistic but yes, i literally never fight with my friends bc i am a Chill person and i am always there for emotional support. but if u dont like loud ppl, you would h8 me :^)

7. Do you use sarcasm? nEVer with adults/strangers but ALWAYS w friends

8. Do you still have your tonsils? yes

9. Would you bungee jump? “Remove the cord and we have a deal ;)” SAME DAWN SAME, but i would also bungee jump with a cord

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? LIFE CINNAMON CEREAL I LOVE THAT SUGARY TOOTH ROTTING SHIT MMMMMMMMMMM 👌👌👌👌👌👌

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? depends, if im thinking about the next day and how it’ll be easier if i just untie them now, yes, but i am not normally prudent like this

12. Do you think you’re a strong person? I think i’m a lot more mentally strong than some people, and physically im Ok could be better. i could definitely kick @acejugs ass tho

13. What is your favorite ice cream? i can’t eat real ice cream bc dairy allergy but FAKE ice cream i love chocolate or cookies and “””cream”””

14. What is the first thing you notice about people? ASS, jk uhhhh idk it sound cheesey but i really dO only judge people by their personality most of the time. like if they’re a dick off the bat im like :^^)

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself?

i used to really not like that im kinda Chub but now i embrace it. i guess my height????? (IM 5′1 WTF IS THIS BS)

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? skin color shoes (aka: none) and blue pants with snow flakes on them bc during the weekends (sometimes bleeding into weekdays) i dont change out of my pajamas 

17. What are you listening to right now? nothing actually, but as i was doing my 59999 pounds of hw today, i listened to 

-carrie and lowell- sufjan stevens

-all of the kagepro songs- jin

-yuri on ice track from ost 1 hr loop

-weeb mixes on 8tracks

-atlas year one- sleeping at last (thanks @mochiiron )

18. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pepe green so the children can get their daily meme fill

19. Favorite smell? this is gonna sound creepy as FUCK, but i perceive a lot thru smell especially with people so like. i love the smells of my friends (EVERYONE SMELLS SO DIFFERENT I SWEAR) and my mom and people i have crushes on (im like 90% sure i fall for people bc of their smell what kind of 2000 B.C. era head Ass)

20. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? mom callin about groceries

21. Favorite sport to watch? HOCKEY or figure skatin lmao i’ve never done an ice sport im a fake fan

22. Hair color? black bc chinese ancestry yall

23. Eye color? Dark dark drak dark aDark brown

24. Do you wear contacts? No my prescription is only like -1,-1.5 so i rarely even wear my glasses lol

25. Favorite food to eat? im like high key obsessed with food so i cannot answer this question w a single answer.

-pb

-plain fuckin bread

-moms chicken soup

-CAKE

-poptarts

-lo mein

-carrots 

-pesto

-etc

(also: why is the eat in this question?????what else do u do with food?????? scream at it???)

26. Scary movies or comedy?

i never watch movies uhhh i’d probably pick comedy before scary tho

27. Last movie  anime you watched? i dont watch movies lol-- mob psycho 100 with my friend but i’m not done and she is o-(--<

28. What color of shirt are you wearing? my shirt is gray but i’m wearing a hoodie on top of it which is navy blue (no bra tho ;;)))) 

29. Summer or winter? SPRING

30. Hugs or kisses? hugs, i wont even let my mom kiss me lmao

31. What book are you currently reading? Going After Cacciato for school (its ok) and im about to start Ash by Malinda Lo (like after i finish this meme im oUT)

32. Who do you miss right now? i feel really bad but like/??  i rarely actually miss people? like when i hear from someone i haven’t heard from in a long time im HAPPY but rarely do i ever like mentally/physically ache for ppl (even my best best friends). but i guess i always miss my grandma because she’s kinda old and im always worried about her health and wanna be w her everyday :(

33. What is on your mouse pad? what year is it, 2006

34. What is the last TV program you watched? LMFAOOOO YOU THOUGHT I WATCHED TV, my mom had me watch a news thing about the yayoi kusama exhibit in DC tho earlier today, i genuinely can’t remember the source tho

35. What is the best sound? i don’t have a fave sound but i have plenty of sounds that i h8. i guess just in general good music is best sound

36. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? im not pretentious enough about music to answers this, sorry 

37. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? probably antarctica! my mom worked in the travel dept at National Geographic when i was in elementary school so i got to go a Lot of really cool places

38. Do you have a special talent? i have an 80% accuracy rate for catching food after throwing it in the air. nat also thinks that being able to read and walk my dog is a talent but ????? i think a lot of ppl can do that. OH best talent: literally being able to turn everything into a meme

39. Where were you born? 

xiantan, hunan province, china!

[samanthasroberts]

Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy

Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.

Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.

We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.

JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her

JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.

Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.

Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?

Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.

Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.

Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.

Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.

Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on

These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.

Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!

Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.

Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?

Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.

Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.

Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.

Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.

Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.

Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!

Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.

Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?

Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.

Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.

Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.

Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.

We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.

Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.

Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.

Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point. YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.

Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.

IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.

Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.

Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.

Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?

Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.

This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.

Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.

Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.

YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!

Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.

Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??

Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*

Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.

Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.

THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?

Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.

Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.

Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him

Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.

The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like

Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)

Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.

Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.

Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.

Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool. JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.

One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.

JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,

Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.

Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight

Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.

Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.

Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.

Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.

They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.

Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.

Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.

Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.

AKA how I feel watching this show.

Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:

Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.

Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.

JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.

Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.

Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!

Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.

Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.

Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/

[adambstingus]

Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy

Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.

Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.

We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.

JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her

JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.

Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.

Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?

Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.

Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.

Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.

Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.

Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on

These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.

Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!

Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.

Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?

Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.

Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.

Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.

Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.

Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.

Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!

Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.

Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?

Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.

Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.

Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.

Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.

We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.

Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.

Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.

Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point. YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.

Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.

IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.

Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.

Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.

Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?

Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.

This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.

Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.

Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.

YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!

Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.

Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??

Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*

Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.

Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.

THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?

Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.

Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.

Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him

Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.

The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like

Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)

Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.

Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.

Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.

Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool. JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.

One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.

JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,

Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.

Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight

Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.

Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.

Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.

Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.

They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.

Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.

Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.

Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.

AKA how I feel watching this show.

Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:

Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.

Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.

JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.

Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.

Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!

Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.

Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.

Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/161120493767

[allofbeercom]

Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy

Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.

Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.

We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.

JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her

JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.

Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.

Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?

Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.

Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.

Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.

Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.

Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on

These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.

Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!

Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.

Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?

Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.

Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.

Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.

Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.

Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.

Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!

Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.

Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?

Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.

Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.

Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.

Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.

We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.

Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.

Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.

Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point. YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.

Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.

IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.

Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.

Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.

Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?

Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.

This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.

Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.

Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.

YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!

Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.

Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??

Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*

Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.

Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.

THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?

Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.

Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.

Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him

Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.

The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like

Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)

Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.

Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.

Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.

Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool. JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.

One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.

JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,

Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.

Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight

Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.

Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.

Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.

Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.

They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.

Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.

Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.

Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.

AKA how I feel watching this show.

Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:

Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.

Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.

JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.

Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.

Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!

Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.

Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.

Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2), a.prevBody{display: none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/