Hi! I’m a femme. My partner is butch, and previously identified as stone butch but has been gradually moving out of that label over the past year. Something which has been really important for our relationship, and their healing, is having an emergency plan for when they become triggered especially as they have been re-evaluating their boundaries. I have a slightly different emergency plan from their emergency plan; mine is designed to help me help them, as a partner. I thought I could share it, as it might help somebody out.
❤️🚨the triggered state emergency care plan for a partner 🚨❤️
Identify - Recognise your person is triggered. This can be a little different for everybody, so if you’re not sure I suggest discussing with partner what a triggered state might look like for them at an appropriate moment, when they feel secure and comfortable to have that conversation. My partner is often but not always non-verbal when triggered. They will have stiff, controlled body language, sometimes not moving. They will not respond towards the sound of my voice, or touch. They will not seem like themself. They will stare at nothing. They will often be very pale and clammy. It can be quite scary if your partner presents like this- but do not panic! Take a nice deep breath and remember they’ve got this, and you’ve got this.
Remove - remove the trigger, as much as possible. Be calm and clear about what you are doing. My partner and I agreed that when they are in a triggered state, I have their permission to move their physical body away from what is triggering them if necessary, for example if they are on top on top of me I can roll them safely off and away from me, or get them from a chair to the floor. Please do not offer or suggest this if you are not confident that you can physically move your person safely and without potentially re-traumatising them. Do the best you can; there is 0 shame in not agreeing to do something if you’re not sure you can do it. The key thing here is that because my partner and I both know they may be unable to consent in the moment, we have establish an ongoing prior consent agreement in the interest of their safety. We both understand the risks involved, and have discussed the best approach to mitigate the risks. This is understandably a very difficult and complicated topic for them to discuss, so establishing this has taken a very long time- and I suggest you take your time talking to your partner about what they want as well. Examples of removing could include switching off the TV program or music, immediately stopping any kind of physical activity that had been happening (doesn’t have to be sexual but it could be), or removing something which has a particular touch or scent. I will always tell them what I am doing, regardless of whether they respond. It might be that this is a new trigger or you’re not sure what’s triggered them. Stay calm, and logically assess what happened immediately before. Chances are you can make an educated guess- for example, your partner might have gone into a triggered state in the middle of you watching TV together, something thats normally fine. What was on TV? Were you cuddling up together? If you’re not sure whats triggered them and they can’t tell you, don’t get too wrapped up in trying to figure it out. You can reflect on that later- right now you just need to do your best, and focus on them getting grounded back into the present.
Ground - Once the trigger is mitigated, I help my partner use their preferred grounding techniques. These are methods to help relax their nervous system and bring them back to the present moment. I can maybe make a separate post about what these are if anyone wants them. We have practiced their grounding techniques together, and expect their techniques to evolve over time. Sometimes it is enough for me to just sit and observe whilst my partner does their grounding alone, other times they need me to gently prompt them or do the grounding with them. I will speak calmly and clearly to my partner and maintain relaxed body language. I stay with them and let them know I’m going to stay. I respect their personal space. I let them know what I am going to do before I do it, and remain focused on their evolving situation.
Soothe - through grounding, my partner will come back into themselves slowly. They are usually tired, and not very talkative. At this point I offer compassion and understanding. I ask them what they need, ie: “would you like your warm blanket” *nods head* “okay I’m going to grab that for you. I’ll be upstairs for 2 minutes.” I might offer a soothing touch if they indicate they’d like that- more typically I would let them come to me and ask for it rather than suggest this. This is very often running my fingers through their hair, or gentle arm scratches with my long nails. Following a period of disassociation, I would encourage my partner towards self-care. They prefer to be alone for this, so I give them space. I do household bits and bobs so they’re not burdened by it later, like meal prepping and filling up their bike.
Re-assess - I check back in on my partner later. Once they’ve been triggered they will be affected by it for some time afterwards, and are more likely to go into a dissociative state again. If that happens remain calm, and go back through the process.
Reflect - I will invite my partner to come to me for reflection on what happened when they’re ready. In the meantime, I will take time out to privately reflect on it. I talk to my therapist and use my journal, and my art practice. I acknowledge everything that my partner being triggered brought up for me, and how I feel now. I observe my feelings without attaching to them. I make note of what worked and what didn’t, and try to recall what happened before, during, and after my partner was triggered. I do this away from my butch. They might speak to me about their experience of it, and they might not be able to. I accept that I am always learning and so is my butch, and I show myself compassion as we work this out together. You’ve got to remember you cannot care for your partner if you are not also caring for yourself!
Disclaimer: I do not suggest that this is for everybody, and I strongly recommend you seek support from a trauma informed healthcare professional if you’d like advice on supporting a loved one on their healing journey. I have learned so much over the past year and I am learning all the time- there is no such thing as the perfect supportive femme with this, and it is important you show yourself compassion, keep learning, keep communicating with your partner, and keep trying your best!
Do you (or any of your followers) have suggestions about Boy Fashion that isn't "jeans and button up"? I am having a hard time finding a masc style I like.
i consider myself a butch trans man and this is all from my(short white skinny) perspective but here’s what ive come across when trying to dress more masculine!
flannels, especially the ones with the hood attached to the top, are your best friend
so are band tshirts
if you wear glasses, the more…. toned down blue or brown square ones are more masculine compared to round or colorful ones
beanies are great and so are mullets
if you wear jeans, get them straight cut and maybe get a black belt? i like mine
getting a sweater over a plain button up and formal(ish) pants is always a nice look
this is just off the top of my head, please feel free for anyone else to chime in!
how to focus⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
i feel like especially nowadays, its difficult and often feels impossible to stay focused on one thing for more than a couple minutes at a time. our brains are constantly overstimulated. as the world continues to progress and become more modernized, everything is too much.
the process in the brain that perpetuates distraction and procrastination goes like this (we have an unpleasant task that we need to do -> knowing that we have to do this task triggers a drop in our motivation -> so we go and distract ourselves)
lack of motivation is NOT the problem : the problem is distraction of motivation. will power/attention ≠ motivation. in fact its quite the opposite. even though we feel our motivation being sapped out, our will power doesn't get drained as quickly as we think that it is.
in order to do a task, we must be able to FOCUS on that task, so that we can sustain our motivation for that task. u dont lack motivation, ur motivation is simply distracted.
studies have shown that if u THINK u have endless willpower, you'll exhibit better task performance, and you'll therefore experience more willpower.
keep ur notifications OFF : the less accessible u make distraction to you, the better you'll perform. dont sleep with ur phone/computer easily accessible to u if u wanna sleep better. dont turn notifications on when ur studying if u wanna stay ON task.
we control our attention and our attention controls our motivation
act fast : acting quickly when these distractions come to ur mind is important to maintain consistency. i watched a video of a woman talking about how when she was breaking the habit of doom scrolling she made it her mission to put her phone down and quickly pick up another task, even if it was picking things up off the floor, but she just quickly shifted her attention. dont give ur brain a second to think for an excuse as to why u should procrastinate.
change the way that u think of the task : when the process of even thinking of doing the task becomes so unpleasant that even though u know that u MUST do that task u dont end up doing it, you need to switch the lens in which u see the task.
my mom thinks that diet will cure my audhd. she's putting me on a "special diet". is that a real thing because i don't think it is.
I can't speak for ADHD, but there is little to no scientific evidence that special diets can 'improve' autism, let alone 'cure' it.
There is some evidence to suggest autistic people are more likely to have an intolerance to gluten:
'A review by Valicenti-McDermott et al (2006) found that 70% of autistic children had gastrointestinal problems compared to 42% of children without a diagnosis of autism.' - Autism and gluten and casein-free diets from the National Autistic Society
so if you are actually gluten intolerant and you stop eating gluten you might feel better and have less stomach issues, but as far as I know there's not a direct correlation with autism, and being autistic does not mean you're also gluten intolerant.
Here are some articles and studies you might find helpful:
'National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) advises not to use exclusion diets such as gluten and casein-free diets as you may miss out on certain nutrients. In children this may lead to weight loss and affect their growth.'
Autism and diet (bda.uk.com)
'...a review of data from 27 clinical trials...shows that there is little to no scientific evidence to support the bulk of these diets.'
Analysis finds little evidence to support dietary interventions for autism | Spectrum | Autism Research News (spectrumnews.org)
Here's a link to the study the above article mentions
The best diet is a healthy balanced one with the right proportions and a good variety from all the food groups.
hi there! if you see this pick one thing your body needs right now and do your best to do it 🫂
i’m rooting for you! you’ve got this and i promise that eventually things will get easier <3
Sometimes it feels like those around you, those whom you consider your 'friends', expect you to fit into this tiny little box and they get so upset with you when you can't squeeze yourself in. It's even sadder when you try to meet their expectations, to squeeze yourself in for their sake, but there's only so much you can do. There's only so much you can contort yourself to fit in with their perception of you. If you find yourself cutting off parts of who you are to meet their image of you, perhaps they’re not truly deserving of you.
Prioritize yourself. Those pieces that they don't like might be small, they might be little things that you could potentially change, but they're a part of you. A part of you that they'd rather whither off and die than encourage to grow and bloom. Don’t let that confinement stifle your creativity; don’t let their expectations become a coffin for your individuality.
Source details and larger version.
All sorts of vintage book imagery is here in my virtual stacks.
your blog is so pretty 🙏💖✨
also, can I have some advice on habits to become more elegant? thank youu
₊˚⊹⋆ habits to achieve elegance
being elegant is far more than having a prim and proper appearance, instead it’s how you act and carry yourself, no matter who’s watching. some of these are things i am also learning myself, so please keep that in mind 🤍
ty to thee @prettieinpink for such an amazing request, i’d been pondering on this idea for a while but didn’t really know how to go about it, so i hope you’re able to take something from this and it genuinely helps you <3
1. be knowledgeable and educated
read articles, learn as much as you can about a topic that fascinates you, read poetry, be aware of things that are going on not just locally, but worldwide. practice your hand-writing, especially cursive. start learning another language, read into different cultures and customs. there’s so many things to learn about, venture out!! the possibilities are endless.
2. using correct dialogue
in order to be a person of elegance, you must know how to speak to people in an ‘elegant way’. what’s the elegant way? not using slang, cursing, being unnaturally loud, repetition of words, such as ‘like’, ‘uhm’, ‘so’, etc…there’s many tutorials on youtube for this, i highly recommend ‘Jamila Musayeva’, her videos on speech and etiquette are great.
3. take on and have hobbies outside of social media and the internet
this can be anything!! a sport, crafting, singing, dancing, do whatever your heart desires. the reason why this is so important is because social media will always be there, the internet is easily accessible, it’s at our fingertips for crying out loud, but obtaining a skill? that’s not something everyone has.
having hobbies outside of social media also opens up opportunities to have conversations of substance, and not about silly things like celebrity gossip.
4. fashion and clothing
do not buy clothes that are trendy, instead, invest in timeless pieces. timeless pieces are clothes that never run out of style. trends come and go, and before you know it, you’ve spent so much money on clothes that you won’t be wearing in 1-2 years. aritzia is my absolute favorite for high quality, quiet luxury, clothing.
5. perception and philosophy
you must look at life differently. what are you grateful for? what makes you happy? what fulfills you? if you go around bringing a black cloud everywhere you go, i promise everyone you encounter will feel that. in order to be perceived as elegant you must have a calm aura, be kind, don’t ever present yourself in a way that could come back later and slap you in the face. always stay humble, and surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
So I've got a question. Recently, the bees and hornets and the like around my apartment have been building in the shape of my apartment. I've got a couple nests shaped like my building, one or two like my living room, and one that's a one to one scale effigy of my office.
So? What's up with that?
Either you have a cult, or something is trying to harm you via sympathetic magic.
In the former, they may be attempting to recreate conditions under which you helped them. Could have been something small. You left out an apple and forgot about it, or something. In this case, we'll see if we can send someone by. A fascinating case study!
In the other case, it could be that someone or something is attempting to use the bugs to recreate your life to the extent that sympathetic magic will take over the rest. More of a stretch, but honestly more likely just in terms of how humans act. Put salt down around your apartment building, especially near the nests, and see if it stops.
‘You can be the most beautiful person on the outside but if you don’t work on yourself from the inside, you’re ugly. So heal’
these are very wise (and very real) words. believe me.
all about failure + dealing with it⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🎐
lets first begin by redefining what it means to fail. oftentimes when u are asked to think of what it means to "fail" ur first instinct would be to say "to not succeed". when you try something new and your not successful at it, or even when ur doing something you're familiar with but not being successful at it, that doesn't mean you fail. you only fail if u dont learn from ur mistakes.
with that being said, the fear of failure can cripple us and hinder us from making decisions and taking actions that can improve the quality of our lives in so many different aspects, because were scared of failure. you need to learn from all the times something hasn't worked out, so that then when an opportunity arises, your equipped properly for the opportunity.
dont be so hard on urself. oftentimes people (including myself) forget that we are also human and we make mistakes. you need to be able to see the humanity within urself. dont hold urself to supernatural standards while being kind and understanding to others. treat urself as though you would treat a dear friend. love urself unconditionally.
how to learn from mistakes : analyze it, document it, think about why it happened, what could u have done better, what were you missing, and how can we prevent this same mistake from being repeated in the future.
failure is NON-existent, its only an opportunity to learn and grow.
My 11-year-old couldn't decide what flavor of ramen to make, so I told her to flip a coin. Heads for spicy chicken, tails for beef.
Taking my advice, she flipped a penny, and when it landed on tails she said "Wait! Wait! I did it wrong!"
I told her that she did it right, because the real reason for flipping a coin isn't to let fate decide for you, but because when the coin is in the air, you will suddenly realize what you wanted in the first place.
I'm sure there's a life lesson there somewhere…
But honestly, I have never known her to pass up spicy chicken.