#ahah … i hate myself

[eruanee]

Kiryuu Touga and the cyclical narrative

TW : Discussions of misogyny, emotional manipulation and abuse, sexual abuse and (sexual) child abuse. (Very vague) mention of incest.

First of all, not really as a disclaimer but more as a recommendation, a lot of my thoughts about Touga are shaped by this essay, which is definitely easily one of my favorite pieces of Utena meta. I think I'm going to implicitly or more explicitly reference it sometimes, but you don't need to read it to understand this post.

I have a complex relationship with Touga. He is despicable, yet the more I watch the series, the more I find myself... fascinated by him. This post is a pretty much a synthesis of all these thoughts.

On a purely narrative level, Touga's role is a bit special. He's the antagonist of the first arc. The three duels involving him are all turning points in the series. He's a core character in the development of several other characters (Saionji, Nanami, Utena and Miki on a different level).

Yet, turns out he's only a puppet, just as everyone else is. How surprising. And when it comes down to it, what do we know about Touga ?

He's the Student Council's president. He seemingly can't have a relationship with anyone without manipulating them to his advantage. He sleeps with any girl (and maybe not only girls) who breathe around him in a 1 ft radius. His way of coping with depression is to seal himself in a wide and totally empty room to listen to his own voice on repeat to ponder heavily on his broken hopes and ideals. (Hmm. Hardcore.)

And more importantly, he wants power. A power that would be absolute. But why so ?

And this is the point where it gets complicated.

Touga is barely the main topic of episodes focused on him. He is the center of many obsessions and interests, but it seems we never touch upon him as a person. He can be seen being vaguely vulnerable in eps 11 and 12 and then there's the whole Black Rose arc thing. But where does all this mess steam from ?

Victim status

Eps 35 and 36 are the one going deeper into Touga’s character and yet... we’re barely sure of what’s actually going on in his brain. These episodes always give me a weird feeling because we don’t really get to see Touga express his feelings very clearly or freely... We barely get to hear his thoughts. 

Just like Anthy.

Don’t make me say what I didn’t say, though. Touga gets to have way more agency than ever does Anthy, and he certainly doesn't endure the same dehumanization as she does. Anthy does have agency in a way. But she expresses it in hidden, implicit ways : playing tricks, hitting people in their sore spots, sarcasm, empty eyes and fake smiles. She’s manipulative and Touga is, too. These two share many similarities, though they can’t completely blend with each other, of course. 

We don’t know much about Touga’s childhood. We know he and Nanami were adopted (or “sold”) to the Kiryuu family at a young age. That’s basically it in the canon of the series. Though, Touga’s backstory in the movie, showing him being sexually abused by his adoptive father, was apparently meant to be included in the series as well :

Although the TV series touched upon Touga’s younger days, the film goes into more details – the wound of Touga that was never directly depicted. In his younger days, Touga was a normal kid who enjoyed happy times with his friend Saionji Kyouichi and his younger sister Nanami. However, he came to know his unfortunate fate from the time he was ordered by his parents to wear his hair long. His parents sold him to the Kiryuu family. Although he was an adopted son on the surface, the instinctive Touga knew what that meant. And in order to protect his younger sister, he accepted his lot. Being sold. We did not go into depicting what Touga’s parents obtained by going as far as selling their son. We would like you to think of it as a kind of metaphor. 

And Touga accepted in silence the sexual abuse from his new parents. His personality changed while he made a magnanimous show of enjoying the abuses in order to prevent his personality from splitting. The change took place in a spot so deep in his mind, that even those closest to him did not notice. Saionji and Nanami never noticed out of their innocence. And Touga never told his secret to anyone. It is said that a human being gains whatever he lost in exchange. So what did Touga gain in exchange at that point in time? It was the sense of alienation from being abused every night and seeing his innocent friend and sister during the day. The alienated self.

(Extract of a comment Enokido, one of the writers who worked on Utena, wrote about Touga’s role in the Utena movie.)

Of course, you could argue whether or not the sexual abuse is canon or not in the series. After all, the series and the movie don’t seem to take place in the same canon (even though it is hard to completely disconnect the two). Whatever you choose to believe, I personally think it all makes so much sense. 

It makes sense regarding Touga’s general behavior in the series (but this is more touched upon in the essay I linked above) and it makes his goal and his narrative role much clearer.

Being sold like a mere object, knowing a much harsher truth about life Saionji and Nanami don’t know about, showing everyone a stronger facade in order to not completely lose your mind and keep protecting your friend and your sister from this reality and eventually... letting them know in a painfully gendered way, perpetuating everything this system has forced on you. 

It has all become part of you. 

Keeping the cycle of violence going became part of your blood and flesh. Making clear who is supposed to inflict pain and who is supposed to receive it. Who is supposed to protect and who is supposed to be protected. Who is supposed to act and who is supposed to wait. 

And you ? No, you’re never supposed to hurt anymore. You want a way out of this. For you, the easiest way is to simply reclaim the place that was always prepared for you to take. 

When Touga and Saionji found Utena in her coffin, it feels like Touga knew something Saionji didn’t. Saionji felt it too, but he wasn’t able to recognize what it was. After all, he was still a child. Touga knew about the same thing Utena learned with her parents’ death : they both had a glimpse of what the “adult world” (Akio’s world) actually looks like, shattering their juvenile knowledge of the world. 

A world where people die. A world where the weak lose. A world where the prince should protect the princess. 

Touga already had a coffin. Utena just found hers and was about to find a new one. Saionji was just finding his. 

It all makes sense regarding how obedient Touga is to Akio and why he seeks his validation, his desire to go up in the hierarchy aside. It makes sense because he is “alienated”. Touga got deprived of everything, he knows the burden of being alive and he’s learned, from his early childhood, to be compliant. 

He seems independent during the Student Council arc and a majority of the series, but eps 35 and 36 show he is not the mastermind of it all. He has a privileged position but unlike some other characters, Touga never uses his agency to try to break out of the system ─ he follows its rules and tries to reinforce his dominance. 

Why would you break out from a system serving you so well ?

“I want to become like him. I want power like his.”

Touga is alienated to the system and his only goal is to become what it expects of him. After all, why wouldn’t he ? Being a prince is the best position offered by the system. Being a prince means acquiring an absolute power. With such power, one doesn’t die and is forever out of reach and harm and pain. Who wouldn’t want such a thing ? 

The prince never saves the princess out of selflessness. He saves her because it gives him a reward in exchange. He saves her because it gives him power and control over her and ultimately, everyone else. And so, the princess becomes a "toy" wannabe princes has to win, to conquer.

Does Touga, even during what seems to be his most “sincere” moment in ep 36, ever wish to protect Utena for something else than possessing her ? When could have he learned to know and appreciate her as a person, rather than a princess ? A reward to conquer ?

When did he stop wishing he could’ve saved Utena just like Akio did ? I believe he might be genuine, yet he acts toward Utena exactly like she acts toward Anthy. He wants to save her for his own sake, regardless of her personal hopes and desires. 

It’s truly sad, though. Because all of it is nothing but a childish dream. There was never once a prince in this world. Only boring and abusive adults. 

“Are you really happy with that?”

Well, when it comes down to it, probably not. But was it ever about happiness ? Probably not either. The pursuit of power only ever leads to isolation, to a complete lack of meaning ─ after all, friendship is a fool’s thing. No one can reach what’s behind the facade. 

Saionji was able to confront Touga with his own lies and paradoxes, get as close to his real self anyone probably could. But it wasn’t enough. Saionji himself didn’t go as far as leaving the system entirely, even when it seemed he had cracked it all. Touga sort of did, too. 

As far as I’m concerned, we only heard his own, deep thoughts once.

“Kiryuu Touga, the playboy Student Council President... Is it? "Playboy" sounds old-fashioned.”

Touga weaponized himself. He weaponized his body (sex is only a tool to aim for power). He weaponized his heart (relationships only matter if you use them to your advantage. Those who believe in love and friendship are fools and will be ultimately be used to someone else’s advantage). And for what ? 

I really like the symbolism of the poppy flower in ep 35. I feel like it symbolizes Akio’s power, in a way. I’m incredibly bad when it comes to the language of flowers (so everyone is free to correct me) but please bear with me. In the East, red poppy flowers apparently symbolize romantic love and success (what it probably means for the girl confessing to Touga, as well as Akio when he “eats” it in this scene, since Touga and him are talking about Utena) but it can also symbolize “luxurious pleasures and fantastic extravagance”. In the Japanese language of flowers, red poppies can also symbolize someone “fun-loving”. I feel like both of these work with Akio and I believe that for Touga, they are a symbol of luxury and extravagance. 

Yet another girl confessed to him. Without even thinking about it, he kissed her. He will never read her confession letter, he probably didn’t even notice it. He will probably simply leave it on the floor, without a care. This pursuit of power isn’t even fulfilling to him, there’s absolutely no thought behind it. Only automatic actions, behaviors working in favor of someone else’s greater scheme. He won’t even get to actually possess Utena. 

He will never get what he truly wants. Is there even anything that he truly wants ? Saionji, maybe. In the meantime, he’s just a tool for a system. A system made up by boring adults, based on lies, illusions and unachievable dreams. 

Touga is condemned to go in cycles. He’s given everything to overcome what keeps him stuck and trapped, but it doesn’t do anything. He can only revolve around his own coffin, completing the same circle, again and again. 

He doesn’t know how to do anything else. 

It will never make anything he’s done forgivable. But at least, maybe one day, he’ll realize. Or maybe never. 

We can always create new roads, leading to worlds completely unknown to us, where everything needs to be built. Anthy and Utena are here to show the way, who deserves to follow these new roads is only up to you. 

On a purely personal standpoint... I was never really able to answer this question. 

“No. It's not over until we see it through the very end.”

[silv-paru]

FUCK CANON ALL MY HOMIES HATE CANON

[freakingtheo]

ahah I'm fine I'm cool I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself I'm gonna kill myself

[kyouka-supremacy]

so, kyotag, your super honest opinion about bsd characters please (aka, who is your fave and who is your least fave. i promise, i am not trying to get you 'cancelled', i am just curious!) 🎤

Ever since I've gotten this ask I've been trembling, I don't think I can ever give bsd honest opinions for the sake of my own future mental sanity LMAO. The upside is, I can talk plenty of the characters I like!!

My favourite character is Kenji! For real, ahah. I'm just always drawn to characters that are just... Good. little guys only trying to do their best and be kind. I suppose there's also a factor of “that's who I want to be” that makes me like them in particular. I don't like the direction they went for Kenji's character in chapter 100.5, but really? I wasn't particularly let down by it either, like it's so fundamentally coherent with the worldview bsd expresses, if anything it was chapter 13 that was out of the scheme. I'm a professional canon ignorer at this point and I'll keep doing just that ahah.

↑ Saw this scene for the first time in the anime, went “Slay! Communist king!”, and he's been my favourite ever since lol.

Although, if we count in Beast, then my favourite character overall must be Beast Atsushi. I mean, have you seen him... Most fucked up guy ever. He went through unimaginable trauma and he still kept being so soft at his core. He just wants to live but everyone is making it so hard for him. He cares for Kyouka so much and he cares for Dazai so much and (to me) he cares for Akutagawa so much like little traumatized boy how did you manage to save all that love in you despite the Horrors. I can't put in words how much I love him but really he's the only character I can say I really sympathize with, like, I want good things to happen to him. I want him to spend the rest of his life coddled and adored.

I love all the female characters <3 I ADORE Kyouka, I think among the other female characters she's the most multilayered and complex character with a structured and compelling story arc. I think she's seriously nice, I really love this stark contrast between her sharp, cynical side and her side that is so sweet and kind and so utterly 14 y/o, and I love how these two sides aren't really in conflict but just come to be together and make her so authentically Kyouka. She's so dear to me. Also, she's the only female character who can compete with the s.kk / ss.kk four for the role of main character, so like, I'm rooting for her ahah.

I adore Yosano for self-explanatory reasons lmao. The chapters of her backstory may not be my absolute favourites for a mere matter of personal taste but I definitely think they make for the best written chapters in the whole manga. I really like how sensitive she is of others' suffering, I think she's amazing– I think her compassion is truly amazing. I want to read more stories of unapologetically compassionate characters. I also generally really really love “older sister” kind of characters!!

I love Kouyou with all I've got. I'm sorry, I genuinely think her story was this good on mistake, but still. I think her backstory makes her genuinely intriguing, I think she's extremely cool and powerful and a joy to see in action, I think toxic mother / daughter relationships are super fun to explore, I think she deserves so much more spotlight and should be back as soon as possible.

I love Mitchell lmao. Like I know it may not look like it but I truly think about her 24/7. I just love women that are kinda silly and over the top. She's got like four lines and every single one is a gem and I adore all of them. She's got those big evident flaws and they make her so human and likeable!!! She's my best friend. Not to mention how loyal she is and how much she cares about her family, I really like those traits of her. Oh, and gowns! I love love love gowns.

Okay but seriously I love all female characters. I didn't like Lucy in particular at the start but she's really grown on me and now I adore her with everything. Wells is spectacular and I need her back as soon as possible. Every woman I didn't mention, from Higuchi to Egawa, believe me I love with all my heart.

I went off a tangent I'm so sorry </3 I know you asked for one character, but how can I not mention the others??? It's just been so long for me in the fandom now and I just can't but grow attached. And I've got so much untapped love for women I never get to talk about on my silly blog that focuses on two men. Following up the list, would be Akutagawa. And I don't want to talk about him because I suppose there's no need to after having made one trillion posts about him but also can I just say? I like him for the same exact reasons I like Kenji. She's just a guy trying to be good. The difference is that he sucks so bad at it, and it makes him SO fun to explore as a character. I really have so much fun playing with him. Then would be Tachihara, Jouno...

... ........................ For the characters I like least, I suppose, R/anpo. I'm so sorry peoples. In R/anpo's case, it's just... Why do you have to be so mean and disrespectful all the time. Seriously, dude. Why is he always treating others as less than he is. I'm sorry, I really am, but I just can't help but find it displeasant? Like it takes zero energy to treat other people with common human decency, c'mon dude. At least Akutagawa is trying to do better, but everyone treats R/anpo like he's entitled to be a jerk? Idk man.

K/unikida. In his case, I Do Get why he's the way that he is (and genuinely can relate to him to an extent), it's just... For the way I am, I consider to try and forcibly impose your own ideals on other people to be about the most insulting thing you can do. And he does that a lot, with Atsushi and Dazai and everyone else. He also has this whole forced lack of empathy thing going on like... I get why he does that, and I get what he went through that made him like he is, but that doesn't change the fact you're kinda being a dick to everyone all the time dude. Please get some therapy.

That doesn't mean there aren't moments when I've genuinely liked them both and found them seriously cool!!!! I still think K/unikida is an interesting character and I genuinely get why people like him. I love the helicopter scene, I remember when I was reading the manga for the first time, when he said “no one ruins my schedule”, I was like, whaa, I was completely in awe. For R/anpo too, the Untold Origins arc from what I could see from the anime was really nice, and I also highly enjoy that one scene of his in chapter 81, the “To tell the truth, I had absolutely no assurance they'd believe me”.

Thank you for the ask Nyusa!! I hope you could find this at least a little bit interesting (?). If anything, now you know a little more about me, ahah. Also not talking about Dazai this time because really I can't be here the whole day.

[snaillamp]

Jod - day 17 - Promise

Uni is starting again soon, but I don’t have much to do this semester so that is nice. I’m hoping I get to do placement soon, it’ll be awesome to actually be out in the field treating stuff, all that learning will pay off. Anyway, here’s my day 17. You guys seem to like the stories like this so why shouldn’t I provide eh?

**************************************************************

Masterlist

Day 17: “Don’t lie to me” | Accident | Doubt | Gaslighting |

Leader bit back a wince as they stood up from their desk. They reached out their hand to shake that of their boss. He was a large man in a fitted suit, quite differently dressed to Leader’s loose shirt and baggy pants. “We are proud of you and your team Leader. You have done a great service to the people of this nation, without looking for any credit and with major risk to you and your team’s health. I admire you, Leader. I admire you all.” 



Leader smiled gratefully, pressing their fingers into the surface of their desk as their head began to feel a little fuzzy. It helped ground them a little. “Thank you. I will forward that to the team.” Boss squinted at them a little, “Are you alright, Leader? You look a little pale.” Leader shook their head, “Just a little tired, the mission really took a lot out of all of us. We are healed physically, but we are still recovering.” Boss nodded, satisfied with the answer. He stood and walked to the door, turning before he left. “Thank you again, Leader.”

As the door clicked shut, Leader collapsed back down into their chair with a huff. Their head spun as they leaned back, shutting their eyes. Bright lights danced in front of their vision making them open them again. Grunting, they lifted a hand to their right side, just under their ribs. It felt warm under the dressing.

They sighed, leaning forward and grabbing their pen with a slightly shaking hand. It was nice and cold between their fingers. 

They worked for a few more hours on paperwork. It had piled up during their time in hospital. After finally scribbling their signature on the bottom of the final document, they pushed themself up from the desk, only to have their legs drop out from under them. They caught themself on the edge of the desk with their right arm, hissing in pain as their wound was pulled apart even more by sudden stretching of the skin.

They would go and see their team and then get it sorted, they decided. Their mind drifted as they thought about the cut they had received on the mission, but the doctors had cleaned it all out. Leader could manage it, it was just a cut after all, not even that deep. The doctors had better things to do with their time than treat a cut anyway. A large cut… that might be infected… They pushed the thought from their mind.

Days later, Leader was sitting in their room gently peeling the old dressing from their wound. It was hot and sticky. Strings of goo came off it as they pulled the dressing away and a light scent filled their nose. Their skin was red, swollen and sore.

“Shit.”

They lifted a cotton ball to the wound after dipping it in saline, wiping it as clean as they could while their head spun. Gritting their teeth, they put a new dressing on.

Leader finished and pulled their shirt back over their body, but as they stood they swayed, the room tilting. They fell to their knees, burying their face in their bed sheets, groaning as they tried to stop the world spinning, gripping the sheets as their body shook. After a minute, the world began to stabilise and Leader grabbed the wrappers and rubbish, standing slowly to throw them in their bin under their desk.

They shuddered as they leaned down to throw the rubbish away, a chill going down their spine. Rubbing their wound stood, they took in a sharp breath. “Leader?” They turned to see Second in Command standing in the doorway, looking concerned.

“Second! What are you doing?” Leader asked, trying to cover the slight shake in their voice. “I just came by to see how you were. You’ve been distant the past couple days. Are you feeling okay?” Leader nodded, sitting down in their chair by their desk. “Just… bogged down by paperwork, ya know. It piled up recently. Anyway, what’s up with you?”

Second raised their eyebrow, “Leader. I’ve known you since we were Cadets. I’ve been your Second for years. I know when you’re trying to change the subject on me. You can lie under pressure, but you can’t fool me.” They smirked playfully, entering the room. 

Leader shook their head. “I’m fine. Just busy.”

Second raised their chin, unable to mask the face that said: ‘That’s bullshit but I know you’re not going to give me more than that’ and held out their arm to help Leader up. “Bored. Let’s do a spar later, you and me.” Leader tried to lean back casually against their desk, but their side screamed in pain as they did. “Cool, cool. Uh, well I have to get back to it, so maybe we should all get together and train as a group.” Leader flashed their best: ‘I’m fine, fuck off’ smile and went to leave the room.

Second in Command sighed, clearing their throat, “You know, if something is wrong you can tell me. No one else has to know.” Leader tensed, stopping in their tracks, their voice lowering. It can out a little more aggressively than they had intended. “I’m fine.” They walked wordlessly from the room, leaving a worried Second, who followed them, angry. “Leader. Don’t lie to me!” Leader whirled around. “Second! I’m fine. Just drop it.” They growled, before turning an walking away.



Leader sat at their desk, scribbling away at paperwork, feeling the wound getting warmer and warmer. They looked up at the sound of their door opening, but quickly returned to writing. “Leader.” The stern voice caused them to look up. “‘M busy.” They replied, ignoring the medic standing in front of them. “Leader, we need to talk.”

Leader leaned back in their chair, sighing in annoyance. They folded their hands over their stomach. “Yeah? Fine.” Medic raised their eyebrow. “I know you’ve been busy with work and I understand you’re stretched thin, but you skipped your annual checkup appointment, why?” Leader shook their head nonchalantly. “Oh, I must have forgotten… Did you want to reschedule?”

Medic sighed, putting their index fingers between their eyebrows. “Leader, I wasn’t born yesterday. I know you’ve been avoiding me.” Leader’s eyes were cold, staring straight into Medic’s soul and they saw why Leader could be intimidating. Leader was usually quite friendly to them, but this side of them sent a shiver down Medic’s spine. They suddenly understood why Leader was so good at doing interrogations. “I haven’t been avoiding you.” Leader’s voice was level and low as their eyes pierced Medic’s.

Medic wanted to avert their eyes from Leader’s stare, but they knew this game, and they wouldn’t lose to Leader. “Leader. We have to check you, come by my office tonight, 7pm, I’ll stay late especially for you.” Leader looked down for a second, losing the eye contact with Medic. “Cool, see you at 7.” They trailed off, reaching for their pen returning to their scribbling, ignoring their eyes beginning to blur.

‘That was too easy.’ Medic thought, “I’m not asking, Leader. I will take this further if I have to.” Leader shot them a look, but nodded.

Youngest wandered down the hallway, stopping as they saw Leader. The usually stoic and strong team member looked like death. “Hey, Leader. Medic was looking for you, they said you didn’t turn up for the appointment they organised.” Leader turned with unfocused eyes, “Well, I was on my way there now, actually.” Youngest frowned, “Leader, it’s 8:30, your appointment was at 7.”


Leader ran their hand through their hair, groaning frustratedly. “I’d better get going.” They mumbled, “The hospital wing is that way though?” Youngest pointed in the opposite direction, suspicious. “I have to do other things too. I’m going there after I drop off something off.” They tried to answer with a neutral, level voice, but it was quiet, wavering slightly. 



Second in Command noticed the two people up ahead as they left the hallway leading to the Medic’s office. “Youngest!” They cried out, happy to see their friend cornering Leader. The team had decided to track them down when Medic had come to them, concerned that Leader hadn’t shown up for their appointment.

“Second!” Youngest called out, a glint appearing in their eye. Leader mentally let out a another frustrated groan. ‘Great, more company.’

Second rushed up to Youngest, “Leader?” they looked concerned at the state of their friend. Leader managed a weak smile. “I really have to get going. Catch up later?” They said, turning away from Second’s quickly growing scowl, their eyes boring into their back.

“Leader.” They barked, their ‘leadership’ voice coming out now. “I know you didn’t see Medic today. You look like shit. Go, now.” 

Leader turned and stared back, voice dropping with venom. “So I’ve been informed. Well, I’m fine.” They let out a tiny grunt as their wound randomly panged. “Right. Just like how you were fine when you had the flu, or dislocated your elbow, or when you broke your wrist. Leader, look at yourself, you can barely stand.” Second pointed out, exasperated. “I’m just tired. It’s fine.” Leader countered.

Youngest tried to reason with their stubborn Leader. “Leader, just go and see Medic. You look awful. Second is right, I’m surprised you’re still waking around.” Leader shook their head, trying to clear the weird dizziness washing over them. “I don’t have anything wrong with me.” Leader mumbled, the world going a little blurry.

“Don’t. Lie. To. Me.” Second’s firm voice cut through the buzz in Leader’s head, but there was something hidden behind it, like they were trying not to cry. “It’s fine, I’m managing it…” Their words were slightly slurring together, “So you are sick?” “No, it’s just fin…” Leader felt their body drop as they world seemed to collapse in on itself.

Leader swayed as they suddenly dropped to the floor, landing on their right side. Second in Command rushed forward to roll them over, when they felt the heat against Leader’s side. Lifting up Leader’s shirt, they immediately saw the wet, puss stained bandage and the angry red skin surrounding it. “Holy shit.” They murmured. “Youngest, find Medic!”

Medic had heard feet running down the corridor before saw Youngest hurtling down it. “Med…ic… Come quick… Leader…” They panted, resting their hands on their knees as they tried to catch their breath. “Show me.” Medic replied, as Youngest grabbed their hand and lead them back the way they had come from.

Rounding a corner, the medic saw Leader collapsed on the floor, Second kneeling over them. They practically leapt across the hallway, sinking down beside the pale Leader and spotting the wound. Looking up at Second, unable to hide the worry on their face, they murmured, “My office, now.” The group picked up their friend, who was burning up, this was bad.

The group dragged the wounded Leader down the hallway, ending up in a small room with a bed and some basic supplies. Medic raced to put on gloves as Second and Youngest wrestled the shirt off of Leader, revealing the true extent of the wound. The medic gripped the dressing ripping it away and gasping in horror at what was underneath. “This is bad.”

The wound was rancid, dripping with goo. Second gagged, turning away, whilst Youngest stared in shock. You didn’t need to know medicine to know that that was a bad infection.

Leader woke a day later, to to sound of a machine losing it’s shit. A nurse came rushing in and pressed some buttons. “Oh, you’re awake, sleepy head. I’ll go get Medic. You’re on a lot of meds, so you’ll probably feel a little weird right now.” He remarked, noticing Leader’s eye’s moving sluggishly around the room. Seconds later, Youngest and Second, followed by the two other members of the team piled into the room, and finally Medic, squeezing in behind the four anxious teammates.

After a long lecture about the dangers of septic shock and that this could have been a lot worse, the medic’s facade seemed to break. “I’m just so fucking glad you’re okay, Leader. You were in and out all night, I didn’t know if you could do it. Your infection is really bad, the worst I’ve ever seen.” Leader raised a slow hand to the site of the wound. It felt a little better, but maybe that was meds.

“We should have it under control now, but I’ve ordered you to have mandatory bedrest until it clears.” Medic sternly informed them. Leader sank into the pillows, defeated. 

“Why, Leader?” A teammate asked. “I didn’t want to make a scene…” Leader replied weakly, watching as Youngest leaned forward. Before they realised what was happening, their team was piled on top of them, hugging them gently. “Ow, guys.” Leader croaked, causing them all to jump back. “Sorry.” Second replied, they looked embarrassed. “It’s fine.” Leader smiled.

The team sat with their leader, assuring them that they wouldn’t have caused a scene, and that they shouldn’t force themself to suffer. Leader nodded, which made their head hurt. “You’re right. I… I’m sorry.”

Youngest wiped a tear from their eye, “Just. Never, ever do that again.” They poked Leader between the ribs, “Ow!” Leader flinched. “That’s for collapsing in the hall.” Another jab, “And that’s for lying to us.” “Okay, okay, you’ve made your point.” Leader shielded themself from anymore oncoming fingers.

“Rest up. We need a Leader.” Second reached out, squeezing Leader’s hand.

Leader nodded, making a silent promise to themself never to hide something like this again.

[jorvikzelda]

reading is… frustrating. I first read this thing when I was in an all too foggy state, I’ll think, so I didn’t really absorb it all too well — I’d best read it again and really make sure to take it all in. And so I do, and I really do take it all in! Except then I’ll be all too foggy to read for a few days, and when I get back to it and continue on to the next chapter I’ll just have. Completely forgotten what happened in the last. Makes you feel rather defenceless to the fog

[masked-and-doomed]

This is causing me more mental distress than Faut being in relationships with other people. And this is because this is my own shortcoming. Like I have the capability. Yet I don't fucking get it! This is unfortunately making me really fucking depressed rn.

[shallowseeker]

I have a specific hangup

where i will defend my fic writing friends to the death

[cloudsrust]

The more I look at Crowley's Bentley filled with plants the more I can't help but think of Dirty Car by Studio Killers-

[thecoffeetragedy]

I should read the ronan/dreamer trilogy because I care a lot about adam parrish but tbh I probably won’t because I only care about adam parrish

[mistfallengw2]

The AU brainrot continues and I've been eyeing the Dragon's Watch Regalia, True Assassin and Wandering Weapon Master outfits for Tocchix's look... but all of them have something I don't vibe with (too pointy, too non-protective, too bulky).

Oh to have more medium chest pieces that fit a daredevil 😔

[azulpitlane]

vicious pt two I ln4

pairing: ex!lando norris x reader, charles leclerc x reader summary: you are trying to move on from lando but he refuses to notes: more dramaaa and asshole lando sorry, this is short cause i kind of got busy🧍‍♀️ part one, masterlist

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, maxfewtrell and 3,268,379 others

yourusername emails i cant send is officially yours💌

it has been a long and emotional process writing this album but i loved and enjoyed every bit of it<3 im so excited to share this piece of my life with you and officially close this chapter and move on

thank you for the support, ill see you all soon❤️

view all comments

user OMGG IM ALREADY CRYING ITS SO AMAZING

user stfu is that charles in the fifth pic?!?

user it is!! he was credited in a few songs for instruments🥹🥹

user because i liked a boy hits so different when u know what she went through :(

maxfewtrell running on stream to listen to it

yourusername pls dont hate im still sensitive user omg noo i cant watch whats he saying about it?? user he loves every song, hes being so supportive and said hes team y/n😭

user her friendship with charles is so cute omg

user “friendship” rightttt😏

user lost lando but got charles, a win is a win

francisca.cgomes love love love💌

user omg i know charles introduced them

user ‘ill see you soon’ ARE YOU TOURING???

pietra.pilao so incredibly proud of you❤️ such an amazing album

yourusername p ily and miss u sm🥹❤️ pietra.pilao i miss you more we need to get together soon! yourusername otw to text u so make plans rn🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

user the fact that landos friends are still supportive despite the breakup tells me everything i need to know

user “officially close this chapter” new era fr🫶

charles_leclerc so honored you even asked me to be apart of this❤️so proud of you ma cherie

yourusername so grateful for you❤️ user JUST DATEEEE user now kiss!!!

Lando so you and y/n huh?

Charles she's my friend is that a problem?

Lando i dont remember ever introducing you two?

Charles not that its any of your concern but i introduced myself last year on the paddock while you were too busy ignoring her

Lando so when i had back turned, you took the chance to steal my girlfriend?

Charles dont try turning this into something its not she's trying to move on so i think its time you do the same lando dont ask about her again. read

f1gossip

463,582 likes

f1gossip Following Y/n Y/l/n's album release, Lando and Charles have unfollowed each other on instagram! It is not confirmed if Y/n is the reason why, but it is heavily speculated. It seems Lando was the first to unfollow and Charles quickly followed suit.

view all comments

user all too much for little lando norris

user y/n breaking up a friendship now🙄

user she didnt do anything except release an album on how she felt, if lando gets offended by that then hes clearly the problem here

user 16 4 fans lost today but then again lando started it🤷‍♀️

user karma works in funny ways @landonorris

user lando has every right to be mad imo

user not at all, he treated her like shit then cheated and now hes mad she has friends in f1? make it make sense

user why watch soap operas when you can watch f1

user 2024 season is gonna HIT

user charles is going to have the motivation for wdc now, ferrari fans won🙏

user even though im a lando fan, i have to be team charles and y/n on this one sorry

user yup, after listening to her album i definitely support y/n

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, francisca.cgomes and 3,295,204 others

yourusername first time performing my new album at my one night show was the best time ever!! thank you for all that showed up you were an amazing crowd❤️

and just in case you missed my little announcement, bet u wanna is my next single of this album...this one's a little funny when you know the context🙊

view all comments

user wish i was able to go :(

user WHATS THE CONTEXT??

user listen to the lyrics, lando definetly wanted her back after his side girl cheated AHAH

user i need to know if charles was there

francisca.cgomes such a wonderful night💌 liked by yourusername

user your stage presence is so amazing

luisinhaoliveira99 so great seeing you🤍 liked by yourusername

user SHE WAS THERE?!? user pls tell me you guys took pictures together

user bet u wanna is so good omg

user are you opening for eras tour in europe

user it is rumored, i hope its true😭

f1gossip

376,845 likes

f1gossip Charles, Pierre, Kika and Luisa leaving Y/n Y/l/n's concert in LA tonight! Thoughts on the singer's new friendship with the drivers and girls?

view all comments

user i love them😭❤️

user i was there and saw charles with pierre and kika singing along to every song🥹

user SHUT UPPPP user stop theyre so cute

user luisa and y/n mean everything to me

user them supporting y/n despite the drama with lando shows a lot about him

user ive never wanted to part of a gc so bad

user charles is so supportive, yk who wouldnt be....

user i need them to date, he would treat y/n so good

scuderiaferrari

liked by charles_leclerc, yourusername and 1,402,440 others

scuderiaferrari Special guest for the first qualification of the season! Thanks for coming to the our garage❤️

tagged yourusername

view all comments

user OMFGGG

user i need pics of her and charles NOW

user charles got p1 cause bae was watching🙈

user is she staying all weekend!?!

user her and charles supporting each other omg

user are they finally dating??

user he was asked about it in an interview and he said they were just friends! user ugh can charles make a move already? i dont want another lando situation..

user i wonder if she bumped into lando😳

Lando was y/n really in ferrari garage?

Carlos yeah... are you okay mate?

Lando how can i be? he stole my girlfriend and is now parading her around the paddock its fucked up

Carlos he did say they were just friends and i didnt see them acting like a couple or anything

Lando there's gotta be something more i just need y/n to see who he really is

Carlos i dont know, maybe its time you move on mate

Lando no, i cant give up now do you have an extra paddock pass?

Carlos why...

Lando remember charles' crazy ex girlfriend who was obsessed with him? i heard shes in town to see him what if we send her the paddock pass so she can show y/n how charles treated her

Carlos this seems a little crazy lando why dont you just talk to y/n?

Lando she wont even let me get near her just please carlos? and then i wont ever bring it up again if it doesnt work

Carlos fine but dont tell anybody about this

Lando thank you mate, i owe you

tags: @iamahallucinationnn, @sofiacblair

[astroyongie]

Seventeen: They Text You One Month After Your Death

Note: heavy angst and mentions of S* Scoups

"Wake up y/n and stay with me"  "I swear to god that right now, I need you here"  "I need you to stay strong baby.. Can you yell those words at me again please?"  "Ever since you left i try to remind me where I came from and where I belong, but without you i feel so lost in this earth"  "So wake up y/n.. and stay with me"

Wonwoo

"Its been a month already y/n.. do you remember, summer after high school, when we first met?"  "We maded out in my car and on my 18th birthday, we got those stupid matching tattoos. I still cry when i look at mine"  "do you remember when we used to steal your parents' liquor and go to your room? we spoke about our future like we had a clue you would leave me"  "fuck i never planned that one day I would be losing you. Why did you got to leave?"  "In another life y/n, I would be your husband and we both could keep all our promises of being happy together"

Mingyu

"I've been holding my breath each time i think of you"  “Wonwoo told me he put lillies on your tomb today. Sorry. didn't come, I've been holding back tears ever since that day"  "I miss you so much y/n"  "I've done a lot of things wrong, but i swear loving you was never one"

Vernon

"y/n"  "I can't imagine a world with you gone and yet here we are. Fuck i am still in denial"  "I have always said i would be so lost if you left me alone in this fucked up world"  "I can't stop crying"  "the images of you locked in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I broke through"  "and i pulled you y/n, did you felt me? did you heard me y/n? I pull you in to feel your heartbeat and i couldnt hear a damn thing"  "did you hear me screaming?"  "Please don't leave me"

Hoshi

"It's not true. Even today i can't accept that its true"  "y/n, please tell me I've been lied to, that you are still here, that you are still alive and well somewhere"  "Crying isn't like me, but i didn't stop ever since you left"  "What the hell did I do?"  "I love you but I don't want to"  "this hurts so much"

The8

"Hey y/n how have you been? Have you been sleeping well? have you been eating well?"  "I hope you are wearing that hoodie i gave you. I am wearing the one you gave me. as a matter of fact i dont have the heart to remove it"  "I hope you bribed the door on your way to the sky. I know god wouldnt mind it"  "y/n wait for me yeah? I miss you. Dont cry for me. The end is near”

Jun

"Hey y/n"  "sorry i am only talking to you now.. ah, i may have fucked up ahah"  "I am currently laying in the silence, waiting for the sirens of the ambulance"  "yeah.. i fucked up.. but i missed you so much"  "I'm alive still.."  "I don't wanna lose it but i cant bare being apart from you"  "but I'm not getting through this.. y/n what should i do?"  "should I pray? to whom? to myself? to a God?"  "y/n.. help me"

Dino

"miss your touch every nights y/n.. lately i have been feeling a little hollow. And you how have you been feeling?"  "I know you crossed the bridge that I can't follow, but hey brat, you could have said goodbye"  "but now we cant change the past.. the love that you left is all that I get"  "I want you to know that, if I can't be close to you, I'll try settle for the ghost of you"  "I miss you more than life"

Woozi

"I am sorry i keep texting you. i just hate you so much right now.” ”never saw it coming, I couldn't read the signs that you werent okay and fuck this.. i hate myself"  "Now I know that it means nothing"  "you are always on my mind y/n"  "the others are trying to tricked into believing that everything will work out in the end"  "fuck them. You were the only one for me"

Joshua

"Hey baby how are you? I am not doing good ahah.."  "All I want is nothing more but too hear you knocking at our appartment door"  "if I could see your face once more y/n, I could die a happy man"  "When you said your last goodbye that night, when that fucking disease took you, i swear to all angels I died a little bit inside"  "y/n, i miss you so much and all i do is lay in tears in bed"  "I never felt so alone"  "But if you loved me, why you leaved me?"

Jeonghan

"Yo brat.." “Woozi and Joshua made me text you.. tsk they are idiots.."  "but hey brat.. you were the light to my shadow, did you know?"  "fuck god to take my star. another star they say, fuck them. you are fading away in my memory"  "Where are you now brat? Are you okay?"  "Please... y/n."

DK

"y/n I think I lost myself again"  "But I remember you told me to stay strong and Seungkwan has been nagging me to eat more"  "But I wish you would be the one telling me that"  "y/n tell me why our love is six feet under ground? Are you cold down there?"  "I will go to your grave tomorrow.. Wonwoo told me to watered the Dahlias"  "Would they bloom?"  "It's all too much for me"  "How could you die carelessly? Whos gonna take care of my heart now?"

Seungkwan

"Hey baby"  "i decided to text you bc sunday mornings were your favorite and we used to meet with the gang"  "your last sunday you did your hair up, you looked so pretty"  "y/n, I have been screamin at a God for the past weeks"  "I'm still holding on to everything, I don't wanna say goodbye bc this one means forever"  "I don't want to say goodbye so please.. come back to me"

[maxxy-b]

Hi everyone,

I don’t know where to start actually; it’s been so long...

I’m making this post to clarify some things about this blog. I started to gain weight on purpose and actively not so long ago and at this time I loved it, I regret nothing about that. But some events in my life made me rethink about myself and what I really want/need.

Recently I broke up whit my (now) ex-boyfriend, I had to leave the house we bought together, so I moved out. Then I’ve been transferred to another city with my job so I had to move again, it was exhausting. But in the meantime it made me think, and some feelings and thoughts that I’ve buried deep inside me started to come back.

I’ve never really been fully comfortable with the body I have (nothing to do with my overweight) and for several years before meeting the man I shared some years with, I’ve been questioning myself about my identity. Now that I had some time alone to think clearly it appears to me that for more than 15 years I evinced the fact that I’m not feeling well in this woman body. So, for now on I will start transitioning and focusing on my future as a fulfilled man. I’m taking a break about gaining weight, I don’t know yet if or when I’ll come back. Maybe I won’t, I can’t tell for now if the feedism will be compatible with my needs as my life gonna change a lot…

I know and understand that some of you won’t stay if I stop sharing about my weight. I won’t delete the account because it’s still a part of me that I don’t want to erase. I just wanted to come out properly and I think I owe you this explanation since some of you are following me for a long time now.

I also know that some reactions will be bad and if there are insults or inappropriate answers to this post I will obviously delete them. I’m not here today to provoke some hate, I needed to express all of those feelings to move on and it feel so good to finally starting to feel myself.

So, please, if you don’t like it just don’t say anything. But I’m not telling this to seek some support either. I’m definitely not seeking for some attention, I want to be clear about that. I just don’t want to leave all of you all of a sudden for no reason.

All of this being said, I’ll still be around here to enjoy fat and proud people sharing their journey. My love for big bellies will never fade ahah

Wishing all of you a bright future, and most important, be and love yourself ♥

[blue-iced-tea]

Just comparing stuff during my free time

End of March (left) vs. Mid August (right)

Dang I really did come a long way. I was surprised when I finally found out my artstyle ahah, and also find the things I finally enjoy despite living this depressing, messy, miserable world.

Back before I joined Lackadaisy fandom, I use to hate these kinds like furries and such because it's cringe and shit. All I could think of was that stinky reputation furries have, and that's it. I was ignorant and judgemental asf huhu, and here I am now made my own Lackasona and writing my own story.

Maybe I shouldn't be that close minded lol, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have friends, or even improve my art by just leaving my sketchbook with lack of motivation, or even challenge myself to draw different things! Sometimes some things weren't always that bad, and I like that fact. It always depends on you as long as it makes you happy, and by that I am happier than before.

Idk it's just nice to look back at your work and feel proud for once hihi. You grow up not only your skills but also ... You! Yes you!! I have learned so much on how to treat people online, and making friends along the way. I am so happy someone has the same vibes as me hihihi. Basically being open minded and having fun are the top lessons I learned from the past few months...

Anyways that's all for now, and I yap too much lol. I'm going to rest now. Bye!!!

~ 🧊

[whiskersz]

Hi! I was curious if you were open to writing a little bit of angst/fluff with Angel Dust who is with a transmasc reader who is having a really hard time with his gender dysphoria bc of how many people have told him things like "you'll never be a real man" among other bad transphobic things, and the reader is just in a really bad headspace since Angel is gay and he thinks he doesn't really like him since he's not a "real man" and it ends with Angel comforting him and reassuring him? (totally not projecting at alllllllll. Please don't feel pressured to write anything on this if it makes you uncomfortable though!)

Hello! Of course I came up with something for you, as I am transmasc myself so I could really throw all of my thoughts in there and make this somewhat realistic, ahah!

WARNING for : transphobia and heavy dysphoria - Angel is here to the rescue though :)

*･῾ ᵎ⌇ ⁺◦ 💘 ✧.* *･῾ ᵎ⌇ ⁺◦ 💘 ✧.* *･῾ ᵎ⌇ ⁺◦ 💘 ✧.*

Heart to Heart

A date.

Your lovely boyfriend, Angel, had invited you on a little intimate date in his room for Valentine’s day; just you, him, cosy clothes, a sappy movie playing on TV and a few snacks to chew on during the evening. Usually you wouldn’t be against this at all, it actually sounds like a wonderful night, throw in there a couple kisses and one might even call it perfect – but as of right now, everything you’re trying on looks wrong.

The first shirt you try on looks wrong, your favourite sweater looks wrong, the overly comfortable sweater Angel himself gifted you for your first year anniversary looks and feels wrong. Actually, the right words for it would be that none of these make you look flat on the chest enough.

No matter how much you tuck the top part of your outfit into your pants, or how much you try to adjust your chest into your already uncomfortable binder – just like those assholes had said under the pictures you posted on your social media earlier in the day, you will never look like nor be a real man.

It’s okay though, because there’s at least one person who would never doubt your identity in this Hell of a place, and that person is your boyfriend, Angel.

...right?

With a deep breath, you open your wardrobe for what feels like the hundredth time this evening, and carefully scan your options. You have your mind set on changing your whole outfit, not just the top part, now.

The pair of pants Charlie gifted you a while ago, hoping they’d be the right size since she only asked you about it once: while you manage to wear them on most days, they’re too much on the skinny side today, they show your hips’ shape and you don’t like it. Are they even masculine enough?

That one sweatshirt you just got, the one that’s your favourite color: it’s just too tight, it’s going to show your binder bump. As if there’s a way to fully hide that.

You could wear comfortable shorts – no, they’d reveal too much, show the shapes that a real man shouldn’t have. And that your boyfriend especially would not want to see tonight.

While rummaging through your wardrobe even more you try to keep your mind away from any thought of Angel not accepting you for who you are; it wouldn’t make sense, you’ve been dating for a while now, and surely he wouldn’t be so dumb to keep the relationship going if he didn’t like his partner.

He has also expressed how much he loves you many times in the past, showed signs of affection he denies others, accepted your affection countless times.

And yet, something in your brain just isn’t right today. All because of a few rude comments. How stupid can you be?

You give one last glimpse at the mirror on your right, eyeing the body you’ve grown accustomed to hate. But tonight it seems like your hatred is even more persistent than usual.

You love Angel so much, there’s no denying that. You wish you could just dress up and get out of your room. It’s probably too late anyways at this point, you’ve spent an eternity looking for the perfect outfit that doesn’t exist without even looking at the time, and now it’s too late to even try to show up in front of his room.

Three distinct knocks at your door distract you from your negative thoughts;

“Sugar? Are you still in there?”

It’s Angel’s voice, it holds a preoccupied tone. With a quick look at the clock you realize it’s been past half an hour since the original time for your date.

You reply, meek and defeated; “Yes, sorry I’m late.”

“It’s okay, can I open the door?”

You can’t help but notice how gentle and careful he sounds when he talks to you, in comparison to how he talks to others; it gives you the courage to answer his question, though you still hide your body with your arms as much as you can before doing so.

“Yes, come in.”

Anthony carefully steps inside, his brows furrowed in concern though he manages a soft smiles as soon as he spots you sitting on your bed.

“Hey Toots, I was worried you know? You’re still choosing your outfit? Ha-“

Before he can finish his sentence you blurt out yours without thinking about it twice, your eyes barely holding in tears;

“Anthony, I know this is stupid because you literally just invited me on a date but- do you actually like me? I was just thinking...”

There’s a pause as you’re struggling to find the right words. Your boyfriend knows to wait until you’ve found them, so he gives you a few seconds to formulate your sentence.

“...This.” you gesture at yourself, your body; “Are you okay with this? I’m not a real man, can’t even get top surgery yet. I’m sorry, it’s just...hard to believe that you would see me as one sometimes, especially today.”

You struggle to look into his eyes, fearing his response, but once you find the guts to do so you’re met with nothing but love in them. Anthony pulls you closer with one of his arms, and you immediately find comfort into the warmth his body emanates, letting your tears finally roll down your cheeks.

“Baby, I’ve got to say,” he chuckles, “That is a bit silly, of course I’m okay with you being trans. We’ve been dating for what, a year? And almost three months, I’m so good at remembering – I wouldn’t be with you for this much if I wasn’t okay with it. The only thing I would be is a huge dick actually.”

With the arm that’s lovingly draped across your back he lightly shakes you around at the end of his sentence, which makes you smile.

“So...” you trail off, shyness suddenly taking over.

“Yes, I love you and I think you’re very handsome. Kiss?”

You’re a little surprised by the question in such a moment, but you’d never deny your lover a kiss especially after he comforted you on a subject you feel very vulnerable on. Once you nod though, you’re surprised to find out that Anthony’s little kisses end up landing on your tear stained cheeks, as if this was his way of drying them up.

“I love you too!” you return between giggles and kisses.

He pulls you into a hug, enveloping you with all his four arms, and you bury your face into his chest – he’s wearing what you consider to be his softest sweater, a pink chenille one he always wears when he wants to be both comfortable and cute.

“You still wanna watch something together? You can take some time to pick something comfortable, darlin’.” He reassures you after a while, and you accept his proposal.

You decide to let him stay as you look through your wardrobe with a clearer mind now, even though sometimes you still let an occasional ‘this would make me look less masculine’ slip out. But Anthony always has the right remark to make you feel sliiightly better;

“See, I didn’t pick this because it’s too... tight. Too bad since it’s one of my favourites.”

“Don’t let that stop ya handsome, you’ve got me drooling and looking at you with heart eyes whenever you wear it.”

You can’t help but laugh at that one, though.

“Hey! I’m serious!!”

“Shush Tony! Don’t make me laugh when the rest of the hotel is sleeping!”

You do settle on something warm after a while, and with your boyfriend offering you encouraging words and looks it takes you half the time. He reassures you once again that he loves you before you two leave your room to go relax in his – it’s much more equipped for this kind of thing, being filled with plushies and fuzzy blankets -.

You spend a lovely little Valentine’s Day together, with your limbs intertwined and exchanging little kisses once in a while. Anthony has the cute habit of giving you one on the forehead every single time the characters on screen share one, you find this and many other things about him very endearing... just as he does with you and your habits.