#alcoholism

[enhmurron]

new loop, same wine

[linovich]

𝙋𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙥(𝙡𝙞𝙥) 𝙂𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙖𝙜𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙭 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧

Synopsis: You attend your AA meetings at least once a week and you yourself know that you've always had your eyes on the Dirty blonde, maybe, this could be the day you could make something out of it.. Wouldn't you like to know?

Wc: 1.3k

Cw: alcohol, violence, drugs, angst, intoxication, aa meetings

A/n: my first oneshot, shameless too, enjoy lol

.・゜-: ✧ :.・゜-: ✧ .・゜-: ✧ .・゜-: ✧ :-.・゜-: ✧ :-　　　　

You've never seen him like this and thought you never would.

AA meetings were something you tried to attend at least once a week, and when you do successfully force yourself to leave your mess of an apartment that reeks of cigarettes, you can’t help but notice the blue-eyed dirty blonde that looks like he crawled out of his own grave and always sat at the back of the AA meetings. He always showed no emotion, his hands were always dug into the pockets of his worn-out jacket and his face was always blank. He's only stepped onto the podium of the AA meetings once to talk about his alcoholic laced stories but you know he was hiding something more intense, something deeper, and you can't help but want to claw your fingers down into his throat to find out. He talks while looking down and you recognize the shame intertwined into his voice as he speaks, an emotion you were very familiar with.

But that meeting happened weeks ago.

You're sat at one of the back rows of today's AA meeting. You're only looking up at the ceiling as the sob stories of the recovering alcoholics are only boring you to death rather than inspiring you to change into a “better person”. You stare at the flickering light bulb dreading for today’s meeting to end quick. You can't wait to light a new one and find your next fuck that's usually on the L that you take back to your apartment. It's only that you take interest into today’s meeting when you hear glass shattering. You whip your head to the left and see that soul dead man gripping harshly on the collar of a typical addict.

"What the fuck did you say?" You’ve never heard him raise his voice, he was always so quiet and reserved and he always speaks in a whisper.

"You Gallaghers are all white trash, don't know how the fuck your whore of a sister got out of jail, all you fucking Gallaghers deserve to rot at the clink" he's slurring his words, what kind of asshole comes into an AA meeting intoxicated? Your thoughts halt like a train when you see Blondie over there landing a hard hit onto the drunkies's jaw. He collapses on the floor and he’s coughing like a maniac as he's in between laughs, blood leaving his lips like Niagara Falls, you wince at the sight.

"Fucking kill me gallagher, forget you're being recorded by a camera?" The maniac shouts out in between his laughs. The recovering alcoholics are leaving one by one not wanting to be a part of this bloody dispute, and you're pretty sure one of them are calling the police, if not a drug dealer, this situation seems normal to relapse in your eyes.

His blue eyes whip to the corner of the room and he looks back at the drunkie with eyes that speak louder than the punch he landed that echoed around the room.

"You're a fucking lucky man, if I ever see you again...you are a fucking dead man"

He enunciates the last five words before spitting on the man's face and the drunkie still can't help but laugh.

Blondie digs into the pockets of his jacket again before leaving and you notice that he’s mumbling something to himself and yet despite the gruesome altercation that you just witnessed seconds ago, you feel drawn to just say something to him, to follow him. You follow your gut and follow his tracks on the way out of the building with your own hands dug deep into your jeans, but the pockets of a woman's jeans can only go so far. Your platform boots are thudding on the hard pavement as you exit the building where the meeting was held, you see him leaning on the wall to your left where the stained white paint of the building walls are only deteriorating.

You look at him and see a cigarette in between his lips as he mutters a quiet “fuck” that you can read from his occupied lips.

"Need a light?"

He looks at you for a second and doesn't reply to you, but instead leans his mouth towards your hand that's already raised up with a lighter attached to your fingers and you find yourself lighting his cigarette. It's only after the puff of smoke that exits his lips that he decides to talk.

"Thanks"

You both sit in the awkward yet comfortable silence as the lights of Chicago fill in the awkward atmosphere for you.

"Name?"

"Y/n"

"Philip, call me lip"

You nod your head before asking him the very obvious question that's been weighing the back of your head.

"What the fuck happened in there?"

Lip shrugs as another puff of smoke exits his lips before he looks at you to give you a brief explanation.

"drunkie Talked shit about my family, didn't know he was drunk until I punched him"

Silence took over the atmosphere again, the Chicago lights now struggling to save it.

"Why are you here?"

You've been dying to ask him that the moment you had laid your eyes on lip.

"None of your damn business is why I'm here"

He states with venom laced into each word and he says it quickly. You didn't say anything to anger him, you didn’t give out a remark to piss him off yet he's spoon feeding you a comment that makes you scoff and you're thinking about walking away. But you're entitled and egotistical ass won’t let you leave until you spew something nasty back.

"Well fuck you lip, just starting small talk cause I can't help but notice we're the only fucking loners in that shithole, guess you can't seem to pull your head out of your ass."

"I hope you enjoyed your cigarette lip"

You last managed to say as you enunciate his name, popping the p before walking away.

"My toddler of a brother got into my sisters fucking coke and he’s having seizures left and fucking right, I don’t know who the fuck bailed my bitch sister and I have no fucking idea how I’m going to pay for my brothers medical bills, you- you fucking happy?"

There's so much anger and hate in his words. But you're just so fucking egotistical that instead of walking away and feeling any sense of remorse, you turn around and see lip whose twisting his heel on the cigarette that you lit for him.

"Just because you gave me a light doesn't give your entitled ass the right to know shit about me"

You furrow your brows.

"I was only being nice-"

"Nice my fucking ass, you just want to get a fucking egotistical boost from the sob stories that you want out of me, is- is that it?"

Lip says unstable, your face is twisted and turned into confusion, not understanding how the fuck he's pulling words out of his ass.

"I don't know what the fuck I said to you to piss you off but-"

"Oh, go fuck yourself" he yells and he kicks the metal trash can near him, the clanging of the metal hitting the building wall and tearing the thin paint startles you and your heart starts fucking pounding.

And it all clicks.

His face is flushed red and sweating, his eyelids are drooping against his blood shot eyes and you see him stumbling after he kicked the trash can.

He's fucking drunk.

The two of you are looking at each other, panting. One in intoxication and the other in vexation.

You slowly back away while you're shaking your head ever so slowly. You can't help but think how fucking stupid you were for thinking that maybe you could have another chance at life with a random guy you found intriguing at an AA meeting- heck, wanting to pursue something of anything with a recovering alcoholic was already the first mistake. But now you're just standing there, wondering why the fuck you wanted to be a part of this shit in the first place.

"Go get some help lip."

_______________________________________________

Thank you for readingg!

[giggibaloggio]

you can find me here if you need

[muzgozjeb]

[neuroticboyfriend]

if you're a recovering addict, i want you to know you're doing good.

you didn't use today? you're doing good. you used recently and you're still recovering? you're doing good. you sought support today? you're doing good. you practiced harm reduction? you're doing good. you want to relapse and haven't? you're doing good. you're getting involved, even if others are doing more? you're doing good. you're resting today? you're doing good. you're alive? you're doing good.

this shit takes time. you have spent a considerable amount of time doing harmful things to yourself, or others. you're not going to change overnight. all you can reasonably do is get through the day, adding as much good to your life/the lives of others as you can. it doesn't matter what happened yesterday, or what's going to happen tomorrow.

all you have is this moment, and if you're on the path of recovery... you're doing good. this is your story. not someone else's. not some idealized version of yourself. it's yours, just as you exist, right now. that's all you have, and all you need.

keep going. you got this. i'm glad you're here (and so is everyone else who interacted with this post).

[chronicallycouchbound]

People who use drugs deserve love and kindness.

Abstinence is not the only form of recovery. AA/NA doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes people choose to use instead of meeting other needs, which is valid. Some people use for recreational purposes. Some people use for medicinal purposes. Some people who use have substance abuse disorder. Treatment looks different for everyone. Not everyone needs or wants treatment, for various reasons. The only thing Naloxone enables is breathing. Active use is not shameful. People who use drugs often also deal drugs. People in recovery should not shame active users. Active users deserve love. Active users deserve someone to check in on them, get them safer use supplies, and get them pizza. Active users deserve to be listened to. They deserve better than to have that be the first time anyone ever treated them as human since they began using.

Let’s care for each other.

[chefkids]

[bottlehawk]

my beta kids guardianswap au scribble-notes.

[puttingherinhistory]

I think one month of going alcohol free is a lot more reasonable than asking everyone to just 100% give up alcohol. Because I have nothing against casually drinking here and there, I do myself. But I do have a problem with the way most cultures, especially western cultures, encourage a MASSIVELY unhealthy relationship with alcohol and shame anyone who doesn't participate in having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol as "prudish" and "no fun".

If just practicing one month of abstaining from alcohol was more widespread I think more people would realize how unhealthy their relationship with alcohol actually is. Maybe more people would realize they have a problem when they realize they're struggling to go just one month without alcohol.

Maybe people would learn better ways to socialize and meet new people without alcohol. Maybe people would learn more ways to have fun without alcohol. Maybe if more people tried to go just one month without alcohol it could create social change around how much our culture encourages an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

[moonlit-positivity]

Somebody might need to hear this: hey. That was a really scary thing you had to go through. What an awful feeling to be carrying around. So deep inside where no one can hurt you like that ever again. If no one else has ever told you this before then I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you made it. And I'm so fucking sorry you had to see it to begin with. You absolutely did not need to see that. Not ever.

[apuff]

i think chilchuck may have a slight drinking problem

[incognitopolls]

We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

[flanaganfilm]

You have spoken about dealing with addiction in the past (congratulations on your sobriety, btw), and Hill House, Midnight Mass, Doctor Sleep, etc, all feature characters struggling with addiction. Do you find a sort of catharsis in writing those characters and their storylines, and do you find that having gone through that affects how you write those characters and their stories? p.s. if the question is too personal, I apologize. You are, of course, free to ignore it.

Happy to talk about it. I was writing about addiction long before I admitted having a problem. Looking all the way back to my student films, many years before Absentia, I can see myself starting to pick it apart. The fact is I was a really shitty drunk. I was absolutely a problem drinker. It was always that way, going back to school - I was never able to handle it, and there were times throughout my life starting very young when that thought would occur to me, and I'd get scared, and then I'd convince myself I was being dramatic and that I had no problem whatsoever.

The truth is that I didn't have an OFF switch, I was inclined to hide my drinking, and the older I got the more self-destructive I became when I was under the influence.

But I was also very committed to the belief that I could handle it, and that I didn't have an actual problem, so for years I'd coast by, telling myself whatever issues I may have had weren't so serious. "Nine times out of ten, I'm just fine - I'm the life of the party," I'd think. I wasn't, though, and soon enough it was 50/50 whether I'd have to make apologetic phone calls on a given hungover morning. And those stretches where'd I'd really let go and drink hard, the person who emerged was less and less like me. It got to the point I didn't recognize him at all - there was this stranger who lived inside, and if he got out, he was could destroy everything I held dear, and he didn't give two shits about it. Looking back at the last decade of my work with the perspective I have now, I can see an escalating subconscious urgency in the way I was talking about alcoholism and addiction. My 2003 student feature Ghosts of Hamilton Street features a wanna-be writer with a horribly self-destructive alcohol problem. The people in his life begin to physically disappear, and the world around him resets as though they never existed at all, so he's the only who notices. I was 25 years old when I made that movie, and looking at it now, the addiction issues are a huge blinking red light all over the movie. At the time, I thought it was just interesting context for the character.

I wrote the opening scene of Midnight Mass (which features Riley Flynn waking up from a blackout drunk driving session to find that he's killed someone) all the way back in 2010, eight years before I finally sobered up. That was always something I was absolutely terrified of - not that I'd die because of my drinking, but that I'd kill someone else and live with the consequences. That was probably my biggest fear for most of my life, if I'm honest. And there were mornings I'd wake up at home and wonder how the hell I'd driven myself there the night before. I remember those mornings with a stomach-turning degree of terror and shame.

It was always somewhat cathartic to write about characters with addiction issues. There's a long stretch between Absentia and Hill House where it appears that I'm not dealing with those themes in my work (though I'd argue there's a subtle addiction meditation at play in Before I Wake that I've only recently noticed), but I was also secretly working on Midnight Mass that entire time, and just pouring all of my thoughts and anxieties about alcoholism into that story. So while Oculus, Hush, Ouija: OOE, and Gerald's Game don't seem to dwell much on addiction, that's really because I was spending my nights pouring all of that into the pages of Midnight Mass, which existed alternately as a novel, a screenplay, and then a series during those years.

Working on Doctor Sleep is what brought it all to the surface for me. Stephen King's novel deals thoroughly with the theme of recovery (The Shining is about destruction of addiction, and Doctor Sleep is about the journey and reality of recovery), and a lot of people in my cast were sober. It was while we were shooting that film that I realized I needed to make a seismic change in my life.

My wife will say that reading the scene in Doctor Sleep where Dan sits at the Gold Room bar in the Overlook was when she knew I was reaching a critical moment. That scene isn't in King's book, and my first draft of that conversation between Dan and Jack was almost fifteen pages long. It's basically a prolonged argument between the addictive and sober voices in my mind, and writing that scene shook something loose in me. I stopped drinking just a few days before we filmed that scene for that movie, and I haven't had a drop since.

But for catharsis, Midnight Mass truly is the most personal piece of work I've ever made. Riley is a very thinly disguised avatar of myself. I look at that series and I see several distinct versions of myself in conversation with each other over more than a decade. I'm glad it took so long to get that show made, because if I'd made it in 2016 like I wanted to, I wouldn't have done a good job - there is no way I could have told that story until I was finally sober. If you listen closely to the AA meeting scenes between Riley and Father Paul throughout the series, you're basically looking directly into my conflicted brain over many, many years.

This year is my fifth year sober, and I spend my days happy, busy, and so grateful that I was able to make those changes before my drinking destroyed my career, my marriage, and my life. I was lucky. I am lucky. But since I finished Midnight Mass, I haven't felt that pull when I'm writing. I haven't felt those themes elbowing their way into my work. That part of me is still in here (it always will be), but I feel like I was somehow able, over many years, to coax it to sleep. I'm sure I'll return to those themes over the years, as I hope to learn more about myself and have more to say... but for now, those voices are peaceful and quiet. I have projects on the horizon that will touch on some of those things (if I'm able to make The Dark Tower, there's some wonderful elements with Eddie's addiction issues that I look forward to exploring) but it feels different.

One of the things I hold onto when I look back at that time is the hope that the work can be helpful to someone else who may struggle in a similar way. And talking to fans, I've heard here and there that it has, and that means the world to me. I think storytellers can't help but use their stories as a mirror, it's one of the ways we take ourselves apart, look at the pieces, and put them back. It's one of the only ways we can see ourselves clearly.

Sometimes we don't even realize we're doing it. It's only looking back that we can see ourselves, and our work, with any real clarity.

[muzgozjeb]

[neuroticboyfriend]

there is no shame in being an alcoholic. there is no shame in being any kind of addict. it's a chronic illness and anti-addict stigma is ableist.

it's okay to exist and voice your struggle. in fact, it's encouraged. even if you never recover or don't intend on recovering, your voice matters.

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

First Reformed (Paul Schrader, 2017)