ok not to be like he’s just like me fr…. but chayanne is just like me fr…..
i’m also the oldest child with one younger sibling who needed a lot more care when we were kids and therefore was deprived of certain needs in favor of my brother. i also had a parent that was missing a lot and depended almost solely on my dad. obviously tallulah needs more help than chay, with her asthma and lesser fighting skills, not to mention she had only been playing minecraft for like a month? or two before wilbur found her. and chay knows that! he knows that she needs more help than he does he knows he’ll do anything for her he knows he has to be the strongest to protect her. my brother and i are only a year apart but i was forced to grow up very very quickly bc i was on my own a lot as a kid while my brother was sick. phil doesn’t worry abt chay when he runs off bc he doesn’t need to, chay can take care of himself. hell, he took care of all the eggs when they first left. but at the same time, it’s comforting to know ur parent is looking out for u even when u don’t need it. phil’s not a smothering parent, he’s attentive, but not smothering. but let’s be real he can also be emotionally constipated LMAO but that leads to situations like the argument and frustration between chay and tallulah when dapper was kidnapped. in his defense, he’s never been a parent before and had 2 children thrust upon him to raise on his own. he didn’t have a lot of time to adjust to parenthood like ppl in real life do, he suddenly had 2 children who had their own thoughts and opinions and emotional needs, he didn’t get the time it takes to LEARN abt how to provide that specific care and while some ppl have that innate knowledge there is a lot of learning and navigating when it comes to emotional vulnerability and regulation esp when it comes to children who are figuring it out as well. i feel for chay when he thinks he needs to be the strongest. i feel for chay when he had to make the decision to gather the eggs and leave. i feel for chay when he had to take blame for bad things happening. and i feel for chay when he realized tallulah doesn’t need him as much anymore. my brother and i are both adults now and we had a …… tumultuous relationship as teenagers for reasons that were both our own and caused by problems outside our control. but i still remember exactly how devastating it was the moment i realized that he was fine on his own. that he didn’t need me anymore. and it caused a rift between us; on my end bc i was frustrated and felt tossed aside and on his end bc he NEEDED to be independent to keep growing. i see so much of myself in chay and i desperately wish he and tallulah had a better mediator for their argument, or at least someone who could truly understand why they were so upset. i don’t think phil clocked that tallulah was so upset and adamant abt looking for dapper bc it was just her dapper and ramon surviving on their own. just bc phil didn’t witness it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean that they don’t have a much tighter relationship than they had before purgatory. and when chayanne said everyone was blaming him for the decisions he made phil was quick to tell him that no one was blaming him but also phil doesn’t know that! he doesn’t know if any blame was put on chayanne when it was just the eggs together. chayanne made the decision for the eggs to run and they trusted him bc he’s the oldest and he’s strong and he can be a leader but by running he also put the eggs thru a lot of pain and fear that they may not have gone thru if they stayed with their parents. and even if the eggs didn’t explicitly say that they blamed chayanne im sure he blamed himself for every little thing that went wrong. we’ve already seen him open up a tiny bit abt how he was questioning his decision to leave. but phil told him that chay made the best decision he could have given the information he had at the time which is true! but when ur the oldest and everyone is looking to u, all of the responsibility lies on ur shoulders. chayanne has been carrying SO much weight on his shoulders for so long it breaks my heart.
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spent all afternoon with my family getting ready for the funeral sunday. acutely reminded that they’re all, particularly my sister, under the impression i am a robot who has no feelings and no problems and lives in a rainbow castle full of sunshine and sparkles and nothing is ever difficult or stressful or traumatizing for me.
that was. great.
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So I’m rewatching and catching up on Doctor Who for the first time in like 6ish years so I can watch the new specials and like my favorite will always be Tennant, he was My Doctor blah blah but you know what, this rewatch reminded me how much I love 12, mainly his season with Bill.
Capaldi is such a great Doctor. He’s not always nice but he’s always kind and he loves so hard. He’s so funny and I love how he loves playing guitar and he has sonic sunglasses bc he’s just trying to have a good time, he may not be a kooky bow tie guy anymore but he’s still silly. Him and Bill are like best buds and I wish we’d had another season with them and even Nardole bc their relationship was just fun, there was no pre-destined or weird importance placed on her, she was just a normal person who loved learning and was kind and had good vibes. The best of humanity, the kind of person the Doctor takes along bc they remind him that people are important. Bill brought out the best in him and also GAY🦭 anyways his last words are so beautiful and I miss him
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ok i’m actually mad abt how little continuity dndads has rn like why are we doing memory stuff if we haven’t checked to make it consistent w what we’ve already said has happened ????
and also why are they seemingly determined to character assassinate ALL of the characters from s1???? up to and including the already dead ones?????
and ALSO what is even the plot anymore i feel like the world building has been so inconsistent and loosey-goosey and like that’s okay when it isn’t relevant to the plot but in this season where it IS relevant to the plot like. what are we doing???? who can or can’t travel between dimensions???? what are the limitations????
i’m just confused and annoyed i want it to be a fun show with a story that you can follow again but lately it’s been just a mess. still fun ofc because all five of them are just fun to listen to but like. i have not been able to make any sense of what the fuck is going on for like a solid 4 episodes now and i’m just disheartened about it. it’s gone off the rails but not in a hehehaha funny fun way.
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Ndudnfufnuf I went to church and got asked my pronouns and no one blinked when I said he/they!! It is absolutely WILD how happy that made me. Like not just the fact that I was asked but that I was asked at church
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
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