#alright now off to bed

[natasha-in-space]

I think not nearly enough people comprehend just how messed up Rika's and V's relationships truly was, actually. It is so easy to get hyperfocused on the big climax of their toxic obsession: the cult, the physical violence, and the secrets. But, like... You ever actually sit down and think about the sheer fact that V looked at Rika: a hurt, traumatized girl, terrified of being her true self, desperate for love she didn't even have a clear idea of in her own mind, safe for some very vague feeling she deemed to be 'love', and... He saw beauty in it. He was never malicious about it, nor did he even realize it fully, not until MC came into his life and pushed him into reevaluating his own worth as well as his views on what love truly is. But, at the time, he saw all that hidden pain and trauma in her, and he saw beauty in it. He was intrigued by it. It fascinated him. He desired to transform it into something even more stunning with his own two hands, analogous to an artist fixing his next big masterpiece. And she was his masterpiece. One he would paint and bend and mold into something he knew he wanted to achieve. It wasn't even a want, it was a craving. Not really knowing that he was just so racked with guilt and self-hatred after his mother's death, that he was merely trying to prove himself to no one but his own troubled and scared mind. To prove to himself that he could be an artist, and that he really could love like the sun. That he could save someone this time around, instead of losing them. Because, truth is, he could never be an artist, not in the way his soul truly longed for.

Rika was both his muse and his creation at the same time.

That's why he never encouraged her to get the help she desperately needed if she didn't want to do it herself. That's why he never got involved in any extreme ways until it became far too difficult for him to handle. That's why he told her time and time again that she was beautiful and perfect just the way she is, even when she herself would doubt and be deeply disturbed by his eager willingness to sink into the deepest of lows for her.

In a way, neither of them truly knew each other. It's a fact that they cared for each other at one point in time. But they didn't see each other as equal individuals to grow and change alongside. For Rika, V was her sun she adored and loathed all the same. He was not a person, he was just an anchor that kept her steady and a cruel reminder of all she could never be. For V, Rika was his canvas to pour his locked away feelings onto. She was not a person, she was a living proof of his ability to create and love in a way he desperately craved.

And in the end, that destroyed and scarred both of them. Not only them, but also many completely innocent individuals who were caught in the crossfire.

What a big, complicated, and horrible mess these two are.

[izuizzy]

so out of curiosity what fankid would you guys be interested in me designing next! this is totally just for fun :>

disclaimer: the fankid(s) would not be a part of the ultimate lifespawn au unless specified. most likely bc the ship clashes with an existing ship in that au. this is mainly for fun designing :))

[sandpapersnowman]

my therapist and i were talking about spacing out our sessions more since i'm generally doing okay and then i accidentally forgot to schedule more sessions so i'm going through like one of the worst things i've gone through in a while and like desperately want to talk to my therapist but her earliest appointment is december 5th (it is currently september 18th)

[daily-scott-smajor]

259 - average day

[microwavetoaster-selfships]

I like the little thought that Lightning ends up getting into racing really early so he's still fairly young when he's first a rookie and so like probably still early 20s and stuff, and he spent his first few years before that doing the training and working his racing career up to getting to compete in the Piston Cup and stuff and so like he never really need to/had the chance to get a permanent home, and so that just kinda really reinforces Mack(his truck-hauler driver) being his rock in some sense, cause not only is that one of the few(if not only) person at the moment in his life that isn't just using him for financial games cause of all his potential and whatnot or (understandably)immediately turns a cold-shoulder to him cause he's a bit of a cocky prick, but during the nights when they're doing long travels to the different races and Mack is sleeping in the cabby of the truck upfront, Lightning is crashing in the back of the hauler(the very front-end of the hauler is a nice little situated room, it's its own whole explanation), and so they were just kinda bonded from the start. And so he never really needed a perma-home cause if they weren't staying in some hotel they still shared something.

[jrueships]

thinking about how pg's room in the bubble was right across from kawhi's room and he would always see or smell the sights and sounds of kawhi cooking Mexican food which would finally peel him away from his depressive dive into video games or napping, and how he always just thought it was something quirky of kawhi to do, how he called it 'The Klaw's Kitchen', how he never saw understood that all those hungry hotel room visits were actually dates and how they were all Kawhi's version of both courting his crush and comforting him. Thinking about Kawhi cooking alone when it doesn't work, when paul is too curled up in the dark of his room trying to think about big docks (dicks lol) to fish off of instead of big leads being blown, thinking about kawhi just quietly nodding to people grabbing a plate who aren't pg, thinking about kawhi always reserving a plate with an elegantly presented dish for paul in his usual spot near the window so he can stare at the water when he eats, thinking about kawhi eating across from Paul's untouched plate ( with kawhi's personal portions being much smaller and more for survival than show). Thinking about kawhi making sure not to use too much of the spices or herbs paul likes when making food for other people because he wants to save enough to spoil his teammate when he stops by. Thinking about whenever paul stopped by, and when he didn't. Thinking about how late that light in kawhi's room stayed on.

[barkingangelbaby]

watching seven hours of lotr today was good for my soul <3

[eurovision-del]

So how about those results! It was a real rollercoaster watching the show tonight!

Top 5

Sweden: I have always said that Tattoo is a good song, and Loreen a great artist, and I still feel that way. She deserves to have her win be celebrated. Sweden also did come second in the televote, although a fair margin behind Finland – that’s a better result than in 2015 where they came third in televote and won thanks to the jury, and no one questions Måns Zelmerlöw’s victory. I struggle to unravel all my feelings about it from the fact that she’s a returning winner – it shouldn’t matter in theory, but I really believed that in the modern system nothing like that would happen. Personally I like how Eurovision introduces me to new artists I’d never hear otherwise, so unless it’s someone I really like with a great song, I generally don’t like it when artists return, and it feels even harsher when it’s a previous winner – however as others have rightly said, Eurovision is a competition, not a charity, there’s no requirement for it to be ‘fair’ in that way. I will say that it does seem to have jeopardised her reputation, going from one of, if not the most beloved Eurovision winner, to the person who was pushed by the jury and robbed the much preferred televote favourite. However, I’m curious how this result will look in hindsight after a few years once everything has settled down.

Finland: I’m so proud of him for securing Finland’s second best result. After the televote I really believed he might have done enough? 376 was the same score Salvador Sobral got back in 2017, and is the second highest televote score ever after Kalush Orchestra’s last year. Loreen’s 340 from the Jury, while still very high, is less than both Måns and Salvador both got. Unfortunately it was not to be. I loved every second of Käärijä’s performance, I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I hope his career flourishes after this – he may not have won Eurovision but he’ll always be one of the most iconic entries we’ve ever had.

Israel: Honestly, I’m not happy about this! I don’t enjoy the song, and while I could respect some technical aspects of Noa’s performance it did nothing for me. And yet this came third – second in juries yet actually scoring even more points in the televote! Choices. After a couple of years of feeling satisfied with the top 5, or at least that it was justified, my luck definitely ran out this year.

Italy: Also surprised me a little, although Marco is a fantastic performer. I do wonder if between Marco and Loreen other artists will be encouraged to return. I think he also got the most equal points distribution between Televote and Juries, which I wouldn’t have expected, but Due Vite clearly resonated with a lot of people, and I have to admit even I was feeling it too. Even if it’s a little higher than I’d have put it, this feels a reasonable result.

Norway: Yeah, based on fan reaction it seemed reasonable to expect her to come top five, although the discrepancy between her televote and jury was huge! I was happy to see her reaction after getting so much love from the public though. Again, not my favourite song, but I’m ok with this result.

Other Countries

United Kingdom: Ah, something so comfortingly familiar about the bottom of the scoreboard… For real I was a little disappointed by this, but the performance, especially the vocals, just weren’t strong enough. I really, desperately hope that despite this the renewed interest in Eurovision in this country isn’t replaced by a backlash in response to this result – we won’t always do well, that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.

Germany: Another huge disappointment – after years of what I felt were deserved bottom five placements, Germany finally send something I love, something that seems to have some fan buzz… and still get last place. I loved every second of Lord of the Lost’s performance, it was one of those songs that sounds even better live. I really hope Germany aren’t discouraged by this, and continue to send interesting, unique acts instead of retreating to bland, ‘radio-friendly’ pop.

Spain: Sometimes you take risks, sometimes they don’t pay off. This came dead last in the televote! I think it’s a real shame, although I can understand how the song could be alienating to people. I’m so grateful to the juries for appreciating it, putting it in their top 10, which is exactly what that vocal performance deserved as far as I’m concerned. Again, I don’t want any country to be discouraged from taking a risk and sending something out of the box, even if it doesn’t pay off, it will still find it’s fans outside the contest.

Austria: This came bottom five in the televote! (Technically fourth from bottom, tied with Portugal and Serbia). Sometimes It’s easy to get caught up in the fan bubble – I don’t mind at all, the surprise is all part of the fun, if the fans got it right all the time the show would be boring. However, I have to say I’m so grateful to the juries for seeing this one through – mid-table was actually about what I was expecting, although I was expecting it to get a reasonable televote and a lower jury. I wonder if this is the impact of running order – aside from Poland the first few songs all scored very poorly in the televote. I’m very curious to see what sort of result it got in the semi-final – even though competing against different songs is a factor, if the difference in votes is huge I’ll feel running order definitely played a part. However, there’s every chance that I was wrong about how much broad appeal this had in general.

Belgium: I think I need to make a collection of songs that I did not care for when they won their national final, then ranked mid in my rankings, and ended up rooting for them all the way in the competition – Denmark and Portugal 2021 would both also be examples. I was actually ecstatic to see Belgium pick up some douze points from the juries, and to see him end up in the top 10 overall. What a journey this entry has been on, the narrative of Gustaph going from backing singer to lead, the underdog beating out fan faves in the national final and get dismissed, only to win everyone over throughout pre-party season and end up where he did on the night. I’m so sorry Gustaph that I ever doubted you – you and your feel-good throwback bop have all my love.

Other Thoughts

It was nice that there were no nil points, not even from just jury or televote – everyone got something. In fact, everyone got double digits! Even so, no redemption for the entire big five, in fact they mostly did worse than I and many others within the fandom predicted. I think we need to scrap the pre-qualification – I actually think it does us no favours not having to qualify. Everyone else who made the final this year proved they had some level of televote appeal – the big five then get slotted in around those entries in the final. Competing in the semi-finals is still competing in Eurovision – we’re never gonna get another Germany 1996 again. It’s time we scrapped this outdated way of doing things.  

Even if the juries were ultimately responsible for deciding the winner, I still don’t want to do away with them. Juries seem less susceptible to running order, they support songs that are technically brilliant but might not resonate with viewers like Spain this year, even if I don’t agree with all the decisions they make. Even if I’m not too keen on the overall top 10 this year, I prefer having Australia in the top 10 to having Poland (who were top 10 with the televote). It’s the same way I feel every year – the system isn’t perfect, and the way juries are set up could do with an overhaul, increased numbers, more varied members etc. – but as far as I’m concerned it’s still better than televote only.

I did feel the show could have done with more Ukraine – the mix of Ukraine vs UK content in the semis was a little skewed to the UK but I could overlook it, however I felt really uncomfortable seeing Sam Ryder get the interval act position that the previous winner usually gets, while Kalush Orchestra were left as an opener. Honestly? Sam shouldn’t have been there at all, or at least not as anything more than a small guest appearance. It was right that a Ukrainian act opened, but they should also have had the main interval act spot too. The host balance also was wrong, especially once Graham joined in too. I think Alesha Dixon should have been replaced by another Ukrainian host to join Julia Sanina, I thought Hannah Waddingham did a great job so wouldn’t want to replace her, but there should have been an equal number of Ukranian and UK hosts at least in the final – and having two to one Ukrainian to UK hosts in the semis would have made sense – Ukraine did win last year after all.

The televote seems to have well and truly given up on rock, with both Germany and Australia doing very poorly in it, Australia only making the top 10 thanks to juries (another reason I’m glad for juries despite everything!) Maybe all the rock votes went to Finland instead – I have to admit that’s what I did. I really hope this doesn’t last, I love rock and Eurovision, and both Måneskin and Blind Channel proved it can do well. I don’t want 2021 to have been a fluke.

Closing Thoughts

I’m feeling mixed about these results honestly, some of my faves like Germany and Serbia did poorly, but Finland coming second is still a fantastic result. While I do think every winner should be respected and congratulated, personally I can’t say I feel too great about Sweden winning right now. I like having the jury at Eurovision for adding a different viewpoint and saving songs like Spain (or Albania 2018) from the bottom of the scoreboard, but I also much prefer when the televote favourite wins overall. I can accept a winner I dislike if it’s the public opinion, it’s harder to accept when it’s just juries. Having Eurovision 2024 in Sweden 50 years after ABBAs win is neat I guess. At the end of the day, regardless of the results, we got to experience 37 new songs, and hundreds more in the pre-selections, discovering and falling in love with so many new artists – and that’s what I really love about Eurovision.

[lyriumsings]

boom ✨25✨

[autism-disco]

the car seat is headresting that’s for certain

[kookslastbutton]

My second therapy session is in 5 days and though I'm looking forward to it, my insurance sadly doesnt cover the entire expense 😬💛

[theunconcernedembalmer]

Mr Gatto, do you like doing your job? Is it something you enjoy doing?

(Also take care of yourself Mun! :D)

Even after everything... I don't think I will be changing my job anytime soon.

[jupitersflytrap]

the fucking audacity i had to tell the autism diagnostician that i have a normal sleep schedule

[honeysuckle-venom]

The thing is, I went to that hospital voluntarily. I was deep in a psychotic break and I was having an extreme amount of difficulty keeping myself safe. I was experiencing violent urges towards myself and others with an intensity and consistency that terrified me. I wanted and needed help in the form of a quiet place without weapons.

So I went to the ER. And they took me to a backroom, away from my dad, and took all my stuff so I couldn't communicate with anyone. And I told them my symptoms and waited and waited and waited. And finally they told me I could have a spot on the ward but only if I agreed to be admitted on an involuntary admission, despite having come there voluntarily. Otherwise, they told me, I was free to leave and find a different hospital that would take me. But if I wanted help from them I needed to be admitted involuntarily.

I was deeply confused and in tremendous pain and all by myself, and so I agreed. I never should have, but I felt trapped and lost and like it was my only option to get help.

The thing is, on an ethical level their actions there don't make sense. The only way it made sense was as a sick power play. Because ethically, either they truly thought I was a danger to myself and others, in which case they had a legal responsibility to admit me involuntarily and not give me the option to walk away and find another hospital, or they believed I was well enough to be allowed to leave that ER, in which case there were no legal grounds to admit me involuntarily. By giving me the option to leave but forcing me to be admitted involuntarily to get help, they were just manipulating me and giving the doctor more control for his own sense of comfort and power, not for any plausible ethical or legal reasons. And by only giving me these options after I'd been separated from my resources and waiting for hours, they were further coercing me to agree. It was just so fucked up and manipulative and coercive, for no good reason. I was there voluntarily. I wanted help. There was no need to do that to me.

[un-pearable]

it’s hard work sailing the high seas to set up me and my dad’s shared retro handheld with playable games but i do it with pride (gift for his birthday)

[starpros-sunshine]

hello seb. whatever is happening in seb-land right now?

We're still on holiday and they are starting to take their effects in the way that I'm not more relaxed. The opposite actually because I need to study for biology I write the exam next Friday and let me tell you things are not looking great on that front. I also forgot how socially awkward I could get. Apparently I can get very socially awkward.