#also I appreciate yall’s comments and messages regarding SA and YFINTW! it’s important to talk about for me and in general

[littlcdarlin]

Was thinking about this writing the new chapter, and I think one of the worst parts about being SAed at 15 was how it made me feel about other people. Yeah, you are made to feel your body only belongs to you until someone else decides it doesn’t, and it fucks up this youthful state of basically being a functioning narcissist, in that you no longer have this experience of the world in which you are the main character, which I think is what most people mean when they talk about the world losing colour etc. afterwards. But as an adult who still struggles severely with trusting people, as in my ex told me she loved me and I had a panic attack so bad I threw up, what makes me the angriest, is that one single indulgence in desire by someone stronger than you can completely warp your perception of people you love. Which tells you that at its core, fear is the most base emotion, and stronger than love by far. Love won’t save the day and it can’t overcome anything, which is quite…chastening to realize as a child when you‘re supposed to be full of hope and faith. Idk it’s so insane to me that a guy did that to me and for him it’s this most likely random night, and I will forever doubt the people I love the most. Such an extreme discrepancy of consequence idk