#also being told we're perceived as aloof or scary or intimidating when we're internally super fucking terrified or overthinking

[queerian]

watching @drdemonprince's conversation with Fern Brady and god this is why it's important to hear people like us talk about our experiences. i learn so much from other autistic people.

while talking about alexithymia fern described having ongoing and mysterious pain during a really stressful period of time that never went away no matter what she tried, and as soon as she received resolution on the thing she was stressed about, the pain also resolved. ive this exact experience a number of times and i have slowly been building a very contextually-specific hypothesis about it (my body builds up pain like a pressure valve and as long as i deny it it gets worse, and as soon as i give myself permission to take the rest i need - and take that rest - it tends to resolve. at least the acute moments. for the longest time, i would not let myself call in sick from work unless i was "sick enough", because i was terrified of being seen as unreliable, and because i was worried about losing the income for any missed days of work. i've always used up my PTO on sick days and doctor days because i needed so many of those.

ever since ive been working from home, and then promoted to a a role where i have a lot more ability to work around things like this without losing pay, i've suffered a lot fewer of those maxed out pressure valve moments.

my ibs in general and flareups have all also gotten a lot less acute.

fern's story just gave me a lightning bolt of realization, and put into perspective all this mysterious sporadic and chronic pain i experience that doctors can never really explain or understand no matter how much i describe it or how many tests i undergo. i just saw my doctor yesterday about it and she shrugged and suggested we continue to monitor it and as usual we ruled out all the things it probably isnt.

even ibs is one of those diagnoses of excluding what it isnt.

anyway. it's fucking incredible to hear someone talk about experiencing something and for the first time in three decades being able to point at that and go "yes!! me too!! that's the thing i experience too!!!"