#also i cannot write a healthy relationship between a parent and child to save my life lmao

[lemontarto]

:) OOC: I am going to need you to explain every detail of the Gethen and Elwin Ship. I NEED IT.

my buddy u have no idea what u just unleashed. there is so much extensive lore for these guys that i could call them ocs . But anyway @everyonehasthoughts @creetchure the hethen trio fr

To understand how they've gotten to this point (toxic yaoi) you first must understand their backgrounds. But if you just want the fun stuff id say skip this whole first block 😭 anywya. (pspsp virg is writing a 15-30k fic abt them so tune in ehen that comes out)

this is. The Hethen Masterpost

gethen was the child of a telepath and a shade. Not a bad match but their relationship was still greeted with animosity. I say was because his parents died (for undisclosed reasons buuut it has to do with match policy and elvin standards etc) and he then lives with his grandparents. So hes not exactly at the top of the family food chain

Elwin is from a normalish family . theyre not vacker pretigious but they're not embroiled in some drama and scandal if yk what i mean

they enter foxfire, where gethen is very loud and charismatic and relatively liked by his peers, and elwin is (while generally liked) less popular. the last one picked at gym.

until gethen picks him. And then long story short they're best friends. gethen will usually go to elwins to escape his family situation and theyre essentially inseparable

level four is when shit kinda shifts. see this is when washers are trained and employed. and up to this point gethen feltlike he had to prove himself and if he did that the system would save him and his family.

being a washer puts him in closer proximity with the council and their nobility and all the secrets and him also being washed (by kenric i believe) which will fuck a guy up !!!

elwin can see theres inequality but hes on the naive side and believes he can fix things from the inside out. believes in the inherent goodness of everyone.

----------------

the elite levels is when shit gets gayer! theyre roomates. elwin practices his flashing on gethen and uses him to model his glasses prototypes. he patches up gethen when he gets banged up (from god knows what)

meanwhile gethens like ten times deeper into this washing gig. which will make things infinitely worse

whatever the case, theyre essentially like a couple at this point. which means theyre disgustingly in love. but this also means they have arguments. several.

and how do they resolve them? most of the time gethen will wipe elwin's memories. Because he cannot risk losing elwin.

So you understand. they do not have a healthy relationship. At some point gethen has enough with the whole system and joins the neverseen, in which he wipes the memory of him from the council and his family and from elwin. to everyone concerned, he doesn't exist.

circa post-flashback is when forkle steps in to confront elwin. Maybe he was a mentor when they were at foxfire but he knows about them. and he triggers the washed memories to come back (either he or the sophitz cognates do, in which case this is kinda funnier)

he does this because 'theres no other way' to take gethen down.

the way in question is elwin seducing gethen

(note about this plan: forkle had to erase the reason why elwins contacting gethen again so their cover isnt blown)

elwin goes into this swearing its purely for the sake of the black swan and he cant get attached and gethens a terrible person but Fuck if he isnt hotter than he was 100years ago

same for gethen. hed never fully gotten over elwin anyway. and he has his suspicions about elwins motives but he cant bring himself to care when hes finally in his grasp again

So in general. they're in this neutral space between the black swan and the neverseen, playing a great game of pretend . how could they not? its their only chance at a normal relationship.

----------------

there are several possible conclusions to this arrangement. Some of which are more likely in aus but whatever

they run away. theyre in the human world. elwin has somewhat convinced gethen that his goals arent aligned with the neverseen and he just wanted revenge on the council/system that fucked him over

gethen kills the second forkle, finishing the job persay. elwins a witness. no one else knows. gethen offers to wipe elwins memories to make it easier. Maybe elwin accepts.

this is a sillier ideal ending where gethens reformed and hethen adopts fitz (and or all the vacker sibs) . gethens like grunkle stan and elwins just dadwin. its very funny and they coparent with dellivvy

anyhow this ship was purely coincidental but i adore them more than any other. i hope you too, enjoyed this. because you will see them more.

[drindrak-art]

Another Arcane AU so soon after my last one? Yeah i have poor impulse control and an obsession with Arcane/LoL rn

Tentatively titled: The Ethics of Experimentation

[Part 1] | Part 2

--

Kk so like after the whole cannery explosion and Vi stumbling off, Powder cries herself unconscious before Silco can arrive, changing things.

Silco still saunters up, but upon seeing an unconscious blue haired child, he just shakes his head, spares one last glance at the dead Vander, and walks off with his men.

He still informs Singed of where Vander's body is, figuring the child was either dead or run off by that time.

Only, when Singed arrives to collect Vander's corpse, Powder is still there, sitting up against Vander's body. Waiting for Vi to come back. Because Vi wouldn't just leave her here, right? She's going to come back. She has to.

Singed stalks up, fairly intimidatingly because that's just how he is, but Powder doesn't flinch back - much like another undercity orphan had, years ago.

Anyway, cue Powder being raised by Singed instead of Silco - switching one unstable father figure for another, much worse, one.

Powder, like before, doesn't heal properly from her entire family's deaths and Vi's betrayal, and still grows into the intelligent yet unstable Jinx but with even less morals than before.

Because let's be honest, Singed is not a man of morals and he would not be able to instill such things into a child that he's essentially raising into another him.

Also because Jinx is literally watching him mutate animals and people and Vander pretty much every day. Slowly watching what was once your father figure turn into a monstrosity would only send her spiralling further into madness, faster.

Silco, of course, recognizes who the kid Singed adopted right away, but he doesn't do anything because Singed is like the only competent doctor down in the undercity, and who cares if the man adopts a kid that once belonged to Vander? The man is still as ruthless as before - if not moreso.

Plus, Singed having a protégé means the man has a weakness to be exploited, and that there's going to be a competent replacement should the doctor die.

Jinx still has her bombs and whatnot but like she also has extensive knowledge on chemistry and human/mutant/most animals bodies.

She's a little murder meow meow ok and Singed is so proud

(also Singed does know it was Powder's fault for the explosion that caused his most extensive scarring, but in Jinx's own words: Powder's dead. And Jinx isn't Powder.

he's honestly just relieved that the kid doesn't mind his unethical experiments and is in fact quite happy to participate in a few herself)

[hannaxjo]

The relationship between the brothers.

Hello darlings. I would like to say once again, that these are just my opinions, I am not an expert, and therefore don’t take this to your heart if our opinions divert. I also would like to state that this is in no way meant to be any kind of hate towards either of the brothers, they are both characters that I like, and neither is this meant to say that I dislike the relationship between them, this is just some of my thoughts. Let’s begin.

Dean and Sam share an intense relationship, that is true. They are brothers and would die for each other, that we know for sure. But the fact is, their relationship isn’t always healthy, it barely never is. What I want to talk about is the fact that, their relationship isn’t a normal sibling relationship. They are brothers, yes, but that’s not all. They are a parent and a child. That is why Dean will go so far just to hide his pain, because that’s what parents do, he will go to the ends of the earth and further to save Sammy, because that’s what parents do, he will always put Sammy’s needs before his owns, because that’s what parents do. And I think because Dean is practically Sam’s parent, that’s how Sam often views him. Like a child sees their parent. And no, I don’t mean that when Sam looks at Dean he sees a father, rather he views Dean as a person like a child does their parent. Children see their parents as parents, and it often takes a lot of time to understand that your parents are people too. When you’re just a little kid, your parents are practically superhuman, they know all the answers and they are caregivers, providers. It takes time to see that your parents are people too. People with struggles and anxieties, hopes and dreams. And even though as children grow, and see these things, it will always be difficult to see past the caregiver role, and that’s completely normal. But this is the reason why Sam’s and Dean’s relationship will never be quite what they would like to think it is, and this is why it is so incredibly important that they have other friends and other relationships. Like Charlie, Cas, Jody, Bobby, Benny, Amelia, Amy, Kevin, Garth, Rowena, Eileen, all these people share relationship with the boys, and these are incredibly important, whether the love is romantic, platonic, or parental. Because no matter what the show says, it cannot be just the two of them. Because they cannot offer each other all that they need. This is why all the crap about “brothers only” is just awful and this is one of the reasons why the piece of absolute shit that they call the finale sucks so fucking much.

I hope you enjoyed, I wrote this in ten minutes during my English lesson (the topic was essay writing, and I find that hilarious), so the quality is not the best. But I was bored, so enjoy, bon appétit, have a lovely rest of the day.

[mallowstep]

Just saying on the whole: I decided on Brackenpelt and Mintfur's personalities, this blogs anon's (and a bit you, no offense) literally decided to kick canon Reedwhisker to the curb, he now looks like Oakheart, and he's a sweetheart and a bit of an idiot who tries his best to protectand tell on Hawkfrost? (I've not read past TNP, so idk if he's actually like this so if he is forgive me.)

oh my god i. i can't.

okay so i have this thing that. is kind of long and convoluted to explain and also i neither want nor have to but i have this thing about repeating work. i can't do it. like i physically cannot make myself do it. if something interrupts what i am doing, and i lose what i wrote for an ask, i cannot make myself rewrite it. the thought alone is enough to make me want to cry.

so. i was. god. i can't even -- even summarizing what i wrote is very difficult for me. so i'm just going to jump in to where i was writing, maybe back up a little, because i was having fun talking about character arcs, and -- y'all can just deal.

(n.b. when i bring this up, people tend to suggest things like drafting responses to asks in software with autosave, or just saving responses to asks as drafts periodically. the answer is always, "i know that's an option, and it doesn't work for me for any number of reasons." while i appreciate the care, i'd rather save us all the time.)

(but to respond as quickly as i can to your actual ask -- i change background characters all the time, and no one has ever commented on it. secondly, while i often enjoy what anons offer me from different ideas, i'd prefer if we don't -- treat them as mine, perhaps? hm. not sure how to phrase that well and i want to move on now.)

anyway, basically, i'm rambling about decisions anons make and why i wouldn't personally make them. because i was in the middle of a thought, i'm going to have to back up a little, but -- i'm going to try to save myself some time and pain and just make one starting statement and then move on.

while i'm about to explain why i wouldn't make the following choices, that does not make them bad choices. in fact, i often enjoy responding to your asks with snippets utilizing these choices. they're just not choices i would independently make, but that doesn't make them bad. i just like to ramble about character arcs, and this gives me an excuse

reedpaw interfering with hawkpaw's dreams of the dark forest

the arc i have planned for hawkfrost revolves around no one knowing about the dark forest. it is essential to tigerstar's manipulation of him that no one knows. it is fundamental to his character arc.

so -- i can't just throw in reedpaw interfering. it would change every character's arc. and i like my arc for hawkfrost. i do not think it is benefitted by reedpaw interacting with it.

(this is kind of what i mean -- i've greatly enjoyed writing the drama that comes of reedpaw interfering, but i would never choose to have him interfere in independent content.)

reedkit being born not long after hawkkit, mothkit, and frogkit

this is the piece i'm most angry to have lost. i had -- guys i had a very good explanation of this one. it's. i will do my best because -- i don't know.

i am very -- the misty au matters to me. unlike the other aus, the misty au is mine. it is not some web of ideas, it is my au, and while i adore seeing everyone play with it, it often feels like -- handing someone a rubiks cube, watching them fiddle with it, and then, when they give it back to you, you solve it in a few moments. (i did speed cubing personal best was 27s, although i doubt i could get anywhere close to that now.)

like, you hand me this idea. mistyfoot has another kit about six moons after hawkkit, mothkit, and frogkit. i nod as you explain, am excited to see you so excited about it, but i cannot simply leave the cube unsolved. it is a compulsion of a sort. you hand me an unsolved cube, and i will solve it. i don't mean to, sometimes. it is simply that i know the patterns so well, and the process of observing and solving a cube is so instinctual, that i look for the best cross without realizing what i am doing, start to solve without meaning to.

and -- in this case, this is me solving the cube, this explanation. i have inserted this metaphor in part to explain why i feel i must try to explain this once again, why i am -- now that the chance, the idea of covering this topic has been raised, i cannot set it down.

so. although it is difficult, i want to tell you why i wouldn't choose to do this. again. there will be less couching this time, as there always is, so review my -- i don't think you're wrong, i just wouldn't make these choices -- above. i mean it.

reedkit being born changes every character's arc inherently. i've mentioned this in passing, but it fundamentally changes every single character's arc. for the main seven, it is a direct and tangible change, and for others, it is a ripple effect, and no stone is left unturned.

but i will use mistyfoot's arc as a catch-all, to explain my reason for not making this choice.

mistyfoot -- okay, if reedkit is born, mistyfoot's primary focus is no longer feathertail. i'm not one for "one child is loved more" stories. i don't like writing them. so. mistyfoot's focus is split between reedkit and feathertail.

and that is a problem. because -- feathertail is the most important thing in the world to mistyfoot. in an unhealthy way at first, but in a healthy way, later on. it is Unhealthy for mistyfoot to base her every action around how it affects feathertail; it is healthy for mistyfoot's top priority to be feathertail. codependency vs being a parent.

so. why is that a problem? well -- because it changes a lot of things, but most importantly, or at least, most close to the main time period the misty au covers, it changes how mistyfoot builds a relationship with hawk, moth, and frog.

because -- well, let's back up for a moment.

mistyfoot does not go in the nursery once. despite the fact that it is feathertail, that before and after this, they are nearly inseparable (unhealthily before, heathily after), she does not visit feathertail in the nursery a single time.

[insert a tangent about mistyfoot being in the nursery with reedkit i cannot bring myself to rewrite]

her interactions with the kits, once they are weaned, are either highly structured, or incidental moments she avoids and escapes from as fast as she can.

but -- feathertail is always there as a buffer. feathertail brings them out to mistyfoot as her kits, as a form of -- presentation, almost. or, mistyfoot and feathertail are talking, and one of the kits approaches momentarily.

because she can't do it anyway.

[insert tangent about mistyfoot being a good mother and how in this instance, that means not being around them]

and as the kits grow up, it is through feathertail that mistyfoot manages to build a relationship with them. the fact that they are feathertail's kits is how she does it. in part because -- it is a degree of separation that she is afforded. if things are too much -- she is not their mother. she can back off. but also because -- they are important to feathertail, and that makes it easier for mistyfoot to want to know them.

this is -- core to all five arcs at hand, here.

she sees hawkpaw seek out feathertail after a nightmare, and she sees a kit, who loves, who feathertail loves. she sees -- it makes it easier to forget his father, if he can simply be a child, sleeping with his mother to ward of nightmares.

hawkfrost is -- will always be the one she has the hardest time connecting to. this has little to do with his appearance (while he looks similar to tigerstar, he is not a clone -- he has more contrasting markings, a white chest, blue eyes, a narrower build, sleeker, glossier fur, and so on), and everything to do with the grief he causes feathertail as an apprentice. she worries over him, and mistyfoot doesn't know what to do.

frogheart is easier, or at least more straightforward. he bonds with mistyfoot when he's carrying feathertail down the mountain. there's -- two levels. first, he's doing a great service to the most important person to mistyfoot. second, this is a very hard time for feathertail, and mistyfoot wants to be with her for it. so -- they walk down together.

mothwing is -- she starts to be more and more responsible for feathertail's healthcare. and -- mistyfoot is. pretty much always with feathertail for that. even something as simple as marigold on a scratch, or getting a thorn pulled out -- mistyfoot is there.

it is an Anxiety Inducing Time. feathertail associates being treated with very bad things, and avoids going to the medicine den, so like -- mistyfoot has to be there to actually get her to go.

so while mothwing is learning to deal with -- a bit of a role reversal, in that she has to take care of feathertail. as a doctor, yes, but feathertail -- requires a lot of patience, cajoling, and creativity. and you know, that's hard. it is hard to see the cat who raised you like that. that's a big theme for mothwing.

but it means she starts to build a relationship with mistyfoot.

so -- why does it matter?

well, putting aside a long list of reasons that mistyfoot having reedkit then is so angst inducing (she's grieving for her first litter, she's not in a place to voluntary have another child, she's still coping with the trauma of a forced pregnancy, etc), if her focus is split between reedkit and feathertail, the weight of all of this is decreased.

not -- by half, or anything. love is not some finite resource. but mistyfoot no longer avoids the nursery, and she has many more early interactions with the kits. when feathertail leaves, she has another kit that means she can't fall apart in the same way. and -- that means that frogpaw, hawkpaw, and mothpaw's initial impression of her never changes.

when feathertail vanishes, they start to gain a deeper understanding of mistyfoot, which enables them to be able to start connecting to her.

other stuff

i'm doing this thing where i try to go to bed before 3am, so unfortunately, not right now.

oh wait i lied real quick

tawnypelt

i think this is because you haven't seen her pov yet, but a lot of asks about her tend to misunderstand her internal thought process. or at least -- they don't characterize her the way i intend to.

[heavencollins]

Top 10 Films of 2020: Part Two

And the last five of my top ten are...

5: Unpregnant, directed by Rachel Goldenberg and written by Rachel Goldenberg, Jennifer Kaytin Robinson, Jenni Hendriks, Ted Caplan, and Bill Parker.

This HBO Max Original was the tipping point for me actually purchasing HBO Max, and I haven’t regretted it since.  Starring two absolute queens, Barbie Ferriera and Haley Lu Richardson, Unpregnant tells the story of a teenage girl who finds herself in a situation she wants nothing to do with: pregnancy.  Her boyfriend informs her that the condom broke a few weeks ago but he didn’t tell her, which is fucked up in it’s own right, but that they should keep the baby and raise it and get married.  Veronica, played by Richardson, quickly says no and runs to her old friend’s house; Bailey, played by Ferriera.  Veronica learned that you cannot access abortions in her state without parental consent, so she makes a plan to roadtrip to New Mexico from Missouri to get an abortion that should be a human right.

Veronica and Bailey have been estranged for years, as Veronica became popular and Bailey fell into the realm of introvert, pothead, and nerd.  But Bailey misses their friendship, and says yes to going on this road trip because she knows they’ll have time to grow close again.  Throughout the road trip, the girls reminisce and become closer than they have before; Bailey revealing her sexuality, Veronica facing the reality of her shitty relationship and not-great friends, and the fact that chosen family is often better than real family.  

The film is aggressively pro-choice and feminist, but also is a feel-great movie, not just good, but great.  it made me both laugh and cry, as well as cheer on both characters.  There’s a lot of really, really, really wholesome narrative within this and it’s a film targeted at teens for teens.  It shows what a healthy relationship is and that no matter how different your best friend is from you, you’ll still have the same connection as always.  I love this one.  

4: Saint Frances, directed by Alex Thompson and written by Kelly O’Sullivan.

One of my favorite facts about this film is that the lead star wrote it, and she works as a team with the director, Alex Thompson, and is partners with him in life as well.  Saint Frances focuses on a 30-something woman named Bridget who finds herself with no set path in life.  She’s childless, sleeping around, has no real career other than waitressing, and doesn’t know what she wants to do with herself.  Her friend recommends her as a nanny to a lesbian couple around her age who are having their second kid and need help with their six year old daughter, Frances.  

Shortly before starting her job as Frances’ nanny, Bridget undergoes an abortion via pill, which means you bleed in the safety of your home and get to do it outside of the medical appointment.  This plays heavily into the plot, as her periods end up being heavier than ever throughout the rest of the film and it becomes a slight joke between all of the characters.  It also shows how little Bridget really cares for her own health, as she doesn’t think to go to the doctors at all and that it’s totally normal.  

Frances helps Bridget grow up, as well as bringing her two mom’s together after the birth mother of the newborn suffers from extreme post-partum depression.  Bridget and Frances end up becoming best friends, and it’s a truly touching film that feels like a home, if that makes sense.  I could watch this again and again and never get sick of it.  O’Sullivan and Thompson are a fantastic writer-director team.

3: Shirley, directed by Josephine Decker and written by Sarah Gubbins and Susan Scarf Merrell.

A movie about one of the greatest horror novelists and short story writers of all time set in Vermont starring Elisabeth Moss?  Alright, I’m in.  Shirley held very tightly in the number one spot until just this month, because it was that good.  Moss plays Shirley Jackson, the horror writer we all know and love, and there’s something haunting about her.

While the story is highly fictionalized, with two characters being completely made up (the young couple played by Odessa Young and Logan Lerman), the film takes place right after Jackson published The Lottery and as she’s writing her next novel.  Her husband, Stanley Hyman (played by Michael Stuhlbarg), is a professor at Bennington College and Jackson finds herself shying away from the stereotypical role of a faculty wife.  She’s aloof, callous, straight up rude to the other wives and prefers to spend her time alone in her room, writing.  Hyman prefers to cheat on her with younger woman and yell at Jackson for not being more social.  This is most likely true to real life.

The young couple work as a mirror for Jackson, people she can project her novel onto and try to see how it will play out.  It’s reflective of her writing style.  This story is told with lavish cinematography and a score that reminds you of wind whipping between the trees, one of the best scores I’ve ever heard, actually, and it’s just lovely.  Despite being mainly fictionalized with some truth sprinkled in, it’s by far Decker’s most palatable work for a wide audience (though I loved Madeline’s Madeline).  I highly recommend this one to anyone.

2. Never Rarely Sometimes Always, directed and written by Eliza Hittman.

I’ve loved every single film that Hittman has put out, but this one is especially poignant in the current political climate.  Abortions should be widely available, but sadly they aren’t and often teenagers have to travel to other state’s to have to have their procedure done without putting themselves in danger by telling their parents.  

In Never Rarely Sometimes Always, two cousins go on a trip to New York City to procure an abortion procedure, not informing their parents beforehand.  Except nothing goes to plan; they end up having to sleep in strange places, use all of their savings, and even steal portions of money from the grocery store they both work at.  This film is quiet, sad, and real.  

Perhaps the best scene in this is when the title comes into play.  Anybody who has been to a physical appointment knows the questions they ask, but it’s especially nerve wracking when your body is at risk for something.  The nurse asks questions, stating never, rarely, sometimes, or always after each.  Skylar, played by Talia Ryder, starts to hesitate as the questions get more and more personal.  And then she finally breaks down.  It’s overwhelming and scary and she’s finally vulnerable for the first time in this entire movie.  

While Unpregnant and Saint Frances provide more witty and funny tales about abortion and unwanted pregnancies, Never Rarely Sometimes Always gives a dark and gritty tale of what having no help in those situations can look like, ultimately putting yourself in the most dangerous situations possible to make the right choice for yourself.  

1: Swallow, directed and written by Carlo Mirabella-Davis.

I don’t want to say much of this film because it’s something you truly have to experience.  Hunter, a woman who finds herself pregnant with her rich husband’s child, finds herself having what can only be called abnormal food cravings.  Except, what she eats isn’t necessarily food—she suffers from an extreme form of pica, causing her to eat everything from marbles to staples to little figurines.  She proudly displays her collection on her desk, cleaning them off meticulously once she passes them.  It’s a horror film but the horror isn’t necessarily in what she eats, it’s how she’s treated.

In fact, her eating habits are the one thing she has control over in her life until even that’s taken away from her.  Her husband’s family doesn’t care about her—only the fetus she’s carrying.  It’s a really good representation of an abusive husband that you don’t often see, because none of the abuse is physical, rather, emotional.  

I can’t say anymore because then I’d be spoiling—all I have to say is go watch it.  Please.  It’s so amazing. 

[autistic-beshelar]

differences and parallels between riju and sidon

no-themes-just-memes Do you have any headcanons for Yunobo and Sidon? I...

 legally you have to get started on Riju and Sidon now 

@no-themes-just-memes​ i am actively going to come into your house and kill you in your sleep for making me write this

(note: this got really long so there’s a tl;dr at the bottom)

- they’re both Babies. (listen) riju is a child, maybe about twelve or thirteen, and awfully young to be a leader. sidon is an adult, albeit a young one (in my mind he’s like the zora equivalent of early twenties), but he’s been in this position since he was very young. - they were both tragically small when their family died - sidon seemed very young in that flashback scene

and i don’t think it would have been more than a year or so after that that mipha actually died. it’s not clear when riju’s mother passed (either that or i just can’t find it), but given that she states: “Patricia was a present from the former...from my mother. She turned out to be my first and last gift from her...” as well as the fact that she seems fairly used to ruling, i’d say it’s probably been a few years since her mother died. this isn’t canon, but i’d say she was maybe 8 or 9.

- they’re both in positions of power they wouldn’t have been in so soon had their family not died. riju would have eventually been chief, yes, but she should have had decades to prepare. instead, the burden was forced upon her before she even hit her teens, and she was robbed of her childhood. sidon would always have been prince, but it’s likely more of the duties would have fallen to mipha. with her passing, he’s next in line to be king, while if she’d been alive he would have remained prince and mipha would have been queen, or maybe they would have ruled jointly. and frankly she’s better suited to it (honestly, can you imagine this adhd fucker sitting on a throne all day? i’m not entirely convinced he’d be happy in that position...)

- they both have kind parental figures, though their relationships with them are very different. riju has buliara, a very capable guard who never leaves her side and is essentially her mother figure (i may or may not have a headcanon that buliara and riju’s mother were involved). she’s very (one might even say overly) defensive of her charge, and clearly cares about her a great deal.

sidon on the other hand luckily still has his father, and everyone knows dorephan is Best Dad. they’re clearly close, and dorephan frequently congratulates him and tells him he’s proud of him. 

i think that’s one of the main differences in their situations - sidon has a lot on his shoulders, but he has his father to support and guide him, and as dorephan is still king, sidon isn’t solely responsible for the entire domain. riju, although she has a guard who cares for her, protects her, and likely advises her on political matters and the like, she still has to rule alone, and doesn’t seem to have any other kind of family.

- they both mask. this is of course a reflection of their respective cultures - the gerudo on a whole are a fairly serious, stoic people, whereas the zora, especially the younger ones, are generally quite cheerful and playful - but riju and sidon both take it to extremes, and when alone (or when they think they’re alone) they let their guards slip, riju being excitable and childish

 and sidon being quiet and vulnerable.

- they both feel lost. in her diary (fun fact - riju’s first name is makeela) riju talks about her fears that she isn’t as good a chief as her mother (in part because she’s so young) she also says “No one says a word about my leadership... But they must be thinking about how powerless their chief has proven to be”  . i’m pretty sure her fears are unfounded, given everyone in town seems to have good things to say about her. 

however, after vah naboris, she says she’s much happier: “Now I look forward to each and every day.” we stan an emotionally healthy pre-teen

sidon, unfortunately, doesn’t have a diary to sneakily read from, but the conversation with mipha is enough evidence for me that he feels lost. where riju brightens up after vah naboris is reclaimed, the conversation with sidon and link only happens after vah ruta, so the domain being saved has done little to help.

given that he still seeks out her advice, even after so many years, and given that he stands by her statue every night i expect he feels this way quite a lot of the time. it wouldn’t surprise me if his feelings weren’t at least a little bit due to the elders - where riju it seems is supported by everyone, i’m not convinced the same can be said for sidon. while the younger generation like and support him (or, you know, openly want to bone him (sidon my very asexual friend i am so sorry)), it seems like the he and the elders do not see eye to eye, and likely about more than just their xenophobia towards hylians. part of this is probably because sidon frankly has considerably less of a grasp on how to be a Proper Royal than riju does despite the training he must have had, with one zora going so far as to say “there are those among the elders who do not comprehend why he behaves as he does” which honestly, big autistic mood  

-  they both talk to their lost family at night. we ALL know sidon does as i said above, but RIJU DOES THAT TOO with her mother, and with. considerably less Secret Depression energy.   

- they’re both incredibly brave (and also maybe a bit reckless). not only does riju give you protection as you both weave inbetween huge monster feet

she also went to investigate on her own before that, until she was “driven back by a sandstorm and lightning” and was found by buliara, after riju had presumably passed out in the desert. riju this is why buliara won’t leave your side anymore

and of course, sidon calms vah ruta with the help of a random twink he just picked up that’s uh, wielding shock arrows that are potentially lethal to him. my favourite though is the octorok story, which i’m sure most of the fandom knows, in which he decided to go all the way to hateno to defend the fishermen from a giant monster. i love him.

tl;dr:

- both very brave and kindhearted people - both grieving a family member they lost tragically young - both mask how they feel and to an extent who they are for the sake of their people - both get embarrassed when link discovers them dropping said mask - both feel lost and look to their deceased family member for guidance, to no avail - both exceptionally fashionable i mean have you SEEN their jewellery... 

thoughts:

i think sidon and riju would get along really well tbh. sidon would have a lot of respect for her, and be able to sympathise with her, and would happily offer her advice, since he’s been a similar position for quite a few years longer than she has. i expect he’d encourage her to actually have some fun once in a while. 

and riju i think would be grateful for someone to talk to, someone who supports her both as chief and as herself, someone who acknowledges her power and capability as a great leader and also recognises that she is still just a child. i think she’d feel comfortable talking to him about her mother and she might even convince him to open up a bit. if we’re lucky she might even convince him to GO TO BED PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU THIS CANNOT BE HEALTHY

[artmotherhoodandmadness]

Breaking the trauma bond with the help of EMDR

Trauma bonds have punctuated my whole life; in fact my very first one was probably the relationship with my middle sister. I put her on a pedestal and thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world and a genius. She took umbrage with my perception of her and in seconds her volatile outbursts could leave me flattened and annihilated. My mother and stepfather frequently had outbursts too; you never knew when another bomb was going to be detonated. But then my sister could be funny, charming, charismatic and erudite; my mother made exquisite food; and my stepfather would buy my art materials when I needed them. They could behave monstrously, but they could be nice too. This was how the intermittent reinforcement was cemented, there would be storms peppered with moments of sunshine and you hoped there would be more sunny days than stormy ones. Like the lab rats experimented on in Skinner’s experiment, the rat would keep pulling the lever hoping for a reward but Skinner ensured that the pellets came with less frequency; nonetheless the rat would keep pulling the lever and neglect everything else hoping for another pellet. Just one last high, one last reward, one final hit of dopamine. Without realising it the rat had become an addict, and without realising it as a child I became an addict, too, addicted to a lethal combination of chemicals, unleashed when I was shouted at, namely cortisol, followed by my reward dopamine if I was on the receiving end of a moment of kindness. But moments of kindness were inconsistent and unpredictable.

The next trauma bond lasted ten years with a girl at school who really didn’t like me and could be cruel, indifferent and a bully, but I was blindly devoted to her and it caused me great distress and sadness when she discarded me, then hoovered me up, gave me a crumb of attention only to devalue and discard once more, it was an insidious pattern. I watched her develop from a vibrant, happy girl, to one who was obese and an alcoholic from the age of 10 to 18. I didn't understand at the time that it was another trauma bond and so a pattern has persisted in my life to this day. When I look back on specific friendships and numerous interactions, there were often unhealthy attachments with typically narcissistic types.

During my session with Dr S I told him about my friend of three years, a fellow, artist, who struggled with emotionally unstable personality disorder. His outbursts left me decimated, but then I focused on his talents in music and photography and believed, as a mental health campaigner, I could not abandon him.

Dr S said, ‘No good comes from maintaining contact with a narcissist. The only person that benefits is the narcissist, you are being used as supply.’

Dr S ascertained that my friend was a narcissist in minutes after I shared a text exchange. I had told my friend that I was doing EMDR and very quickly his texts became rebarbative.

‘You have to delete his number, you cannot allow someone to speak to you like that, he’s a scumbag.’ Dr S said matter of factly.

I thought of the times in the past, since I had my psychosis, when I had erratic outbursts and said things that I would never have said if I had been well, and I was convinced me deleting his number would be tantamount to abandoning him.

‘You are spreading yourself too thin,’ Dr S concluded.

‘You are in therapy, you are trying to get better, you have to focus on the here and now, your husband and children, not saving others.’

My friend reminded me of my sister, just as I had hoped to save her, I hoped to save him, but Dr S was right, I had to reinstate myself. What good would come from having a ‘self detonating fire cracker’ in my life?

‘Charity begins at home,’ Dr S said.

‘He has made you his slave. He has become heroin. You are behaving like an addict.’

All of this was shocking, I didn’t want to be anyone’s slave and the EMDR commenced. I held that thought. ‘Slave.’ The word got bigger and louder in my head to the point where I said, ‘No more.’

Had the penny dropped? I had a high tolerance for abuse, because I grew up in a volatile household but everyone has their tipping point. My husband knew about my friendship and didn't approve, in his eyes my friend was a ‘loser’.

Suddenly I was confused, were there some mentally ill people that you just dismissed as beyond help?

‘Could he ever get better?’ I asked.

‘Yes, with EMDR it’s possible.’

He was a cannabis user, too, and as long as he smoked he would continue to have delusions of grandeur and a strong sense of entitlement. I thought of my other friend, a photographer who was addicted to cannabis. He was on medication and receiving mental health support but still had not turned his life around, and it was frustrating to talk to him. I realised that it did not serve me to listen to him talking about cannabis, it brought me low, he was doing nothing with his life, just frittering it away. I was proactive, productive, a creator and I wanted to be around people who appreciated my talents, who were supportive and encouraging, who were stable and kind. My digital paintings reflected the conflict between the turbulence that I was facing and the desire for calm, there was a stark dichotomy of disparate forces coming into play when I looked at them.

Dare I say it I needed normal people in my life, not dysfunctional ones and this predilection for the dysfunctional stemmed from childhood. Did I want to be dysfunctional or functional? Of course I wanted the latter.

Dr S continued with the EMDR focusing on the analogy of the friendship being like heroin and as he moved his fingers I said to myself, ‘I don’t want to be a heroin addict, I am not a junky, I will go zero contact, I will no longer respond.’

Dr S went even further and said the abuse I had received during the friendship, had left me with battered wife syndrome and a diminished sense of self, this was also shocking. But it reminded me of how I felt as a child when my stepfather hit me in public, or my sister and mother shouted at me in a public place, my self esteem would shrivel to the size of a pea. I always felt that I had done something wrong and that I deserved it.

My friendship with the artist, accompanied with his volatile outbursts, replicated these seminal childhood relationships and subliminally I knew all of this. In fact I had tried repeatedly to break contact.

My husband, by contrast, was stable, solid, responsible, patient and consistent. I didn’t get the same chemicals from my bond with him, but I did get a sense of security from an attachment with someone I had known since I was 19. And of course it had not been easy for him to see his wife go through a roller coaster ride of mental health struggles, often I had seen him as the enemy but that was no longer the case. It was like a dense fog had lifted. With the right treatment maybe I was going to finally turn a corner. Certainly he was happy with my progress, I owed it to my family and well being to stick with the treatment.

Maybe this would be my last ever trauma bond?

I told Dr S that everyday I did my writing, art, music and exercise. I also tried to be present with the kids, my focus was on being calm, fostering a stable environment at home and so far I had achieved this. I didn’t believe that I could have psychosis again, or raise my voice or have an episode. In fact, I didn’t recognise who that person was. I was returning to the person I was before the psychosis.

Dr S said it would be a long road but that all the dots could be joined together from childhood, and there was still much to investigate and unpick. My life was filled with so much trauma, how would it be possible to process it all? The bilateral stimulation that came from EMDR activated the left and right hemispheres of the brain; these memories would become less potent as they were processed. I saw EMDR as a method of breaking down and diminishing the power of unpleasant memories and when I got home I decided to try it myself. I took a recurring and unpleasant memory and then I analysed and focused on one aspect of it. For example, when I was in London, I met many famous people and often it made me feel uncomfortable and inadequate, I couldn’t deal with such interaction and yet at the same time I wondered if they were better than me because they were richer and more successful. Instead I said, ‘I am me, I like my simple life, they have skills, but so do I, do I want to be them? No I am happy painting, writing and composing, my heroes are the underdogs, the ones that never got any recognition but carried on regardless.’ Then I held onto that idea and did the EMDR. I did this repeatedly with memories that  have kept on recurring for decades until I felt giddy with mental exhaustion. Dr S said that I might have vivid dreams as a result and sure enough my dreams were filled with random recollections of trauma. There was so much of it and it was shocking that I had endured and survived it all, but that was the point, I had survived and I was still standing.

I read online that it was possible to do EMDR on your own, I realised that there were things that I didn’t want to share with Dr S, they were too harrowing and sometimes his response was not gentle, he was tough with me, he did not mince his words and I was just too sensitive. I felt judged by him in many ways, judged by everyone and of course I wanted to hide it all, hide everything that had happened but that was not possible, I had to face it.

Thankfully my relationship with my mother is healthy now, she acknowledges  that when my sisters and I were growing up she could be irascible and identified that it stemmed from her relationship with her father who was always screaming at home, it left her terrified and unwittingly she emulated this model of parenting. I have learnt from the past and don’t shout in front of the children, they are happy and vibrant and thriving, there is no need for patterns of childhood to be repeated.

EMDR seemed to be the right treatment, I would stick with it, bit by bit I was getting stronger and yes, my artist friend, despite his talents, I would have to let him go. He would be my last trauma bond and my brain would recalibrate and no longer be addicted to the chemicals that it had fed off for most of my life. It was not going to be easy - that’s for sure -  but with patience and persistence and support and critically, EMDR, it was possible to break the trauma bond for good.

[oldserah]

Ultimate Ship Meme

“Your All that's left, But I Cannot not Love thee”

Eden Genesis Rook ✂❤ Joseph Seed

[this is late/rushed as im still unpacking stuff into my uni accommodation]

Tagged by @clutch-wept​    [thank youuu]

Tagging: whomever wishes

General

Rate the Ship:

Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last?

Long time most likely even if they took breaks, they would be the couple that would stay together even if they hated each other 

How quickly did/will they fall in love?

It was slow and happened over time from back when they first met and Resparked when they met again and through out the game, its an underlying thing that they dont really admit to [?]

How was their first kiss?

It was Slow an unexpected, a kiss and walk away situation

Wedding

Note: In the Canon Fc5 Timeline they dont really get married, its just a spoken commitment to one another.

Who proposed?

Joseph did, Genesis had been married to many times that she started giving up on the idea of it and was settleing for realtionships she belived would inevitably end

Who is the best man/men?

Jacob, He’s the oldest brother

Who is the bride’s maid(s)?

Gen Most likely would of had her siblings / daughter be a brides maid with a friend or two like Kim. Joseph may of asked her to allow faith to be one aswell.

Who did the most planning?

Joseph primarily with Faith and her sister Joyce aiding him

Who stressed the most?

Genesis, she started to get cold feet as marriage just never worked for her and guilt as Joseph was her best friends husband before she died.

How fancy was the ceremony?

Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big. 

[Joseph and Gen would of made it pretty but more simple, alas others thought a bit differently]

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding?

less of who wasnt invited and more of who may not of accepted, which would likley be members of the resistance [i havent thought about this sooooo i dunno]

 Sex

Who is on top?

Gen preffers to be on top more often than being on the bottom but they switch it up

Who is the one to instigate things?

they are both good at initiating, but Joseph sometimes more likely

How healthy is their sex life?

Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they?

Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head [Joseph may be more Missionary than most, but Genesis sure isnt]

How long do they normally last?

Varies, short in quickies, but normally long sessions.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms?

Joseph is a Pleaser so their less Equality 

How rough are they in bed?

Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. 

[they have their Rougher Moments and then the more Slower Romantic moments]

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do?

No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

[Joseph can be touchy in public but Gen like minimal pda unless she starts it]

Children

How many children will they have naturally?

they have 7 in fcnd soo, 7

How many children will they adopt?

Dependant, Gen Technically Adopts Ethan [and its still being decided if all of the 7 are biological or adopted]

Who gets stuck with the most diapers?

Equal, Gen has always been more motherly as she basically took care of her siblings and she had kids young, but Joseph is touchy feely so he wants to equally take care of the kids, but if Gen knows about what he did to his kid she is Paranoid and hovers / doesnt allow him or anyone in the cult near or alone with the first kid.

Who is the stricter parent?

Both ish, situational

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school?

Gen as she’s typically taking care of the kids when Joseph is absent [unless shes working if shes still working]

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)?

Joseph as he makes meals more

Who is the more loved parent?

Genesis Because she stayed/around [que fcnd abandoment issues]

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?

They attempt to Attend together more than not, if not Joseph

Who cried the most at graduation?

The other Parents

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law?

John

 Cooking

Who does the most cooking?

Joseph

Who is the most picky in their food choice?

Neither try to be picky, but they have their prefernces

Who does the grocery shopping?

The Cult loves to serve the Father, Gen will go get her own stuff when she has time

How often do they bake desserts?

Gen cannot bake to save her life, Joseph will when he has time to.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater?

They eat both, but Gen is More a Meat Lover than Joseph

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner?

Joseph

Who is more likely to suggest going out?

Gen because its  a treat and while she can cook its not her fav thing to do.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking?

Joseph if he gets Distracted by the Voice or something.

 Chores

Who cleans the room?

The House is Generally Clean to begin with, the cult may clean the rest of the house [which Gen hate] so she has a rule of noone is allowed in the personal spaces like bedroom. Normally its the last out of the room will clean it if its messy.

Who is really against chores?

Neither they like a clean house.

Who cleans up after the pets?

Gen more typically as she belives that if your gonna get a pet they you are responsible for clean up after it, that and she knows how to take care and handle a snake where as joseph really doesnt.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug?

Neither

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over?

Both to a Degree, Gen is normally more lack about it but wants things to look clean but like its a home, Joseph has an image to maintane so he wants to to look good with Guest. Their Calm Stresser’s.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning?

A Lucky Cultist

 Misc.

Who takes the longer showers/baths?

Gen Takes Quick Showers, Joseph takes longer baths. 

Who takes the dog out for a walk?

Gen will, specially when shes going for a run.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays?

Gen will Decorate if she has Family coming over or Kids, But Joseph wants to spend them with his family so he likes to gather them all to do it for memories, Gen tends to sit out during this.

What are their goals for the relationship?

Joseph wants to save Everyone and build a family, for him Gen is a Person who is lost but is a good mother from experience. He Belives he could save her despite all her wrongs.

Gen is just looking for an Equal who will accept her for all she is and for all her faults and failings. She’s not perfect and her past hasnt been the best, but deep down she wants a home for her where she feels safe.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon?

Joseph if hes been up all night writing or talking to the voice. Gen if shes been out all night, but they tend to be early risers.

Who plays the most pranks?

Neither

[ask-hunterxhunter]

How do you think the adult trio would have been had they a chance to grow up in a normal stable family? Are their behaviors (mostly) a product of nature or nurture?

This is actually a very good question. I honestly believe that, inmost cases, nurture wins against nature. I’ll try to give my analysis ofeach case. Now, I just read a little about psychology for fun (and because I loveit), I’m not an expert and this is how I see things. It doesn’t mean, at all,that I am right.

Hisoka

The whole fandom agrees that something happened to Hisoka and verylikely made him into what he is today, but how much of this is connectedto the present is anyone’s guess. I think I mentioned how I noticed that Machi thought that Hisoka doesn’t talk about the “past” (being specific about it) and how hedisplays a desire to be in control of his own life, to the point he doesn’t open up to people (which seems to be more related to his personality ratherthan lifestyle). Also, note that Hisoka is part of the main characters (not the core ones, but important enough) and yet, nothing about his past has everbeen shown or mentioned. Even with the Spiders we at least had a briefflashback of Chrollo and some explanation about the Meteor City, which can give us some ideas of how things were for those who grew up there. Heck, Togashi has told us the background of characters that are not as much part of the main plot.

With Hisoka? Nope, nada, zero. The guy may as well have fallen from thesky with his Nen activated and searching for an opponent.

It keeps going back to Hisoka’s past. Contrary to Pariston, whoseems to be a born sociopath (perhaps even a complete psychopath), this makes me think that something seems to have pushed Hisoka. Even we can’t besure of how much of what he has displayed is genuine or a façade that he keeps around others (we have rarely seen him by himself) or the levels of disordershe seems (or most certainly) has.

Is it all connected to his past? We have no means of knowing. Hehas an intense bloodthirst and is always seeking opponents. Hey, maybe he was into fighting since he was a child anyway. He seems uninterested in formingbonds with people. Has he been betrayed at some point? Has he experienced atraumatic loss? We don’t know.

However, I do think most (if not all of it) is connected tosome event, if only for how twisted Hisoka is. So, it follows that if his life hadbeen different, if he had had a safe and stable environment, he would not bethe same he is today.

Would he still be into fighting? Possibly. I, at least, find it hard to imagine Hisoka not into fighting, though he wouldn’t be that much of a sadist (even if it remained his “call”) and might have emotional bonds with others regardless of their strength (he wouldn’t judge people based on this). Depending on his “family” and other events, he might have been a man who would actually use his Nen in order to help others. 

Illumi

Definitely yes. No question about it. We just have to look at thewhole Zoldyck family and Illumi’s own behavior and words in several occasions.For crying out loud, Killua was chained and whipped when he returned home (itdoesn’t matter if he broke the chains and his pain tolerance is high, thegesture alone is disturbing by its very nature and the insight it gives us tothe workings of the Zoldyck as a family does not paint them in a positivelight). Besides, with Illumi being the eldest, it is very possible his trainingwas even more severe due to being only child for a while and future head of thefamily, until Silva and Kikyo decided Killua would be the better option.

Just for a note, see the rest of the Zoldyck children as well… Alluka hasbeen caged almost all her life (and later she asked Killua if everyone elsewould be happier if she was dead basically), Milluki is just as focused in the familygoals and wants to please/impress his parents (he once seemed afraid of hisfather. Respect is something, fear is another), while appearing to almost neverleave the mansion. Kalluto shares a few similarities with Illumi and is also asadist that enjoys prolonging a fight just for his own amusement… While the Zoldycksclaim to love each other and maybe do/believe so, we cannot look at them andsay they aren’t toxic people (except Killua and Alluka, who got to break thecycle and escape) or that those children are examples of a healthy upbringing.

Does it all connect to the family’s “teachings”? Yes. And the fact theyare assassins doesn’t excuse any of this. If Togashi wanted, he could have madethe Zoldycks to be as dangerous as they are while having a far more stable/lovingrelationship between each other. There is a reason why this isn’t the case.

Illumi reached a point when being… Well, the way he is, is already hisnature and for what we can see, it is entirely connected to his family and whathe has been taught or rather, molded into being. I don’t even think thereis any hope for him. If you take away the “teachings” and “assassin business”,there is nothing left in Illumi. Whoever he was or whoever he could have beenis lost forever, there is only this walking, breathing result of years of training.And we all got a glimpse that he may not be as stable as we came to believe…

If Killua hadn’t been strongenough to break away from them, he might end up the same or even worse than his“big brother”.

So, if his family was different, then he would have been different. Forone, his displays of “affection” would not be tainted by the obsession withcontrol and his love for his siblings would be genuine. Somecharacteristics of his might remain (since we know nothing of how he was orcould have been), but he would be a far more stable person and even if he wasto become an assassin, he would have more morals. He surely wouldn’t be againstKillua choosing another path in life (hell, he might even want somethingbetter for his little brother) or having friends.

 Chrollo

For some reason, I always feel that Chrollo ends up standing somewherebetween the extremes that Hisoka and Illumi represent and the same applieshere, though it is more about how (little) we know of Chrollo’s life and evenhis ending goals. It is more than we know regarding Hisoka, but not as much as we know of Illumi. While writing this, I found myself oscillating between “yes”and “no”. Out of the three of them, Chrollo at times ends up being the hardestto analyze depending on the subject…

Is Chrollo a born sociopath who is using the unfairness of society as anexcuse to achieve his own personal goals and act upon his own bloodthirst orhas this unfairness pushed him into taking what he considers a necessary attitudedue to lack of any other option?

I think, in the end, there is something seriously wrong withChrollo. The things he has done are far too extreme… Perhaps he is even moretwisted than Hisoka or Illumi.

We know he started the Phantom Troupe but while we can guess the main reasonsfor that, we have yet to actually hear them and also what Chrollo hopesto ultimately achieve with his actions (due to his behavior, it seems improbablehe doesn’t have anything like that and is truly “just” a thief. In a way, itseems to be that this is a means towards a bigger end). We know he came fromMeteor City… And what has been shown of it is pretty depressing. That is not aplace that seems to offer chances of a good life, being basically a “junkyard city”and people there don’t even have official records of existence. It is a way ofsaying they there are also unwanted trash. So, we can assume that Chrollo’slife has not been easy.  

 And with everything we know of Chrollo directly connected to the Spider, it’shard to dissociate one from the other. What has turned him into what he istoday exactly?

Like Hisoka and Illumi, Chrollo has no care for human beings and evensaid he sees no difference between them and a puppet but does care for theother members of the Spider. And when returning home, the Troupe faced theChimera Ants, so the city is also the only other thing that matters for them ina personal level. Regardless of the sort of place that is, it is their home.Other than that, we don’t know of Chrollo’s story, parents or childhood.All we have are our own ideas and the options are many.

Honestly, just living in the Meteor City is not quite enough explanationfor his whole behavior, though: Many people go through harsh lives, awful situations,abuse or torture (be emotional, physical or mental) and do not end up like him. Hell, from what we’ve seen, Leorio came from a poorbackground, saw his friend die (when he could have been saved, just to twistthe knife) and is actually the opposite of Chrollo, someone who wants to save lives.

I’m not saying the misery of living in the Meteor City played nopart in who Chrollo is, let alone dismissing how horrible it must have been!Poverty is hell. Having to chose between buying food and paying the bills,being unable to afford medicine, those are hell enough, imagine how it musthave been in a city like that then! And sometimes, people get to the limit whenthey see no way out but to go to an extreme that they wouldn’t go otherwise.

 What I mean here is that, for what Chrollo has displayed, there may verywell be something more that made him turn into someone who torturesothers with such lack of empathy or remorse. For all we know, he may haveexperienced a traumatic event or loss, perhaps not very different from Leorio’s.

I think most, if not all of the situation, end up related to the creationof the Spider but I’m unsure of how much of it is connected to Chrollo’s personality. Even people from a loving, stable and healthy environment can end up twisted and this is not the parents’ (or anyone’s) fault. You can searchin the lives for the trigger that made them into sadistic killers and you won’tfind anything. Some people are just born psychopaths.

With Illumi and Hisoka is easier to be sure due to the motivations they display, their own desires and attitudes and the information we have onthem. Chrollo’s motivations are intertwined with the Spider, so much that he hasstated that it and what it represents are above his own life. This last detailmakes it hard to consider he is using the Spider as an excuse for hisown goals, but… What if he is lying and manipulating the others? It’s not easyto tell.

Now, personally speaking, I think we need more information about him asa person and of his life before the creation of the Spider to be completelysure… Would he have been better if the circumstances of his life weredifferent? It is very possible. Would he have been a criminal anyway, if onlywith some differences? Also possible.

When he talks about the Spider, I lean towards the first option… But thereare some moments, such as when Gon asked him how he could kill people who havenothing to do with him and how Senritsu reacted to his heartbeat that make meseriously lean towards the second one…

[enchanted--roses]

PLEASE tell me all about alexandra d'amore!!!

Thanks for asking about her !!!

Alexandra is probably one of my oldest OCs with Isabelle de Valois and Elizabeth Monahan and she the one that change the least. At first she was called Julie Simmons, but I decide to change it couple of years ago for Alexandra and decide to reuse the surname for her mother’s maiden name.

I will give you some of her background story, since i have so many things i have that I need to reshape after deciding when my character is going to make her first appearance in the series I thought of making Alexandra appear during the first season of David Tennant, but after having taken part in the rewatch of Doctor Who during the confinement I decided to make her appear during the season of Christopher.

Alexandra was born July 25, 1983, in Montreal and was raised between Montreal and London, they were living in the school year in Montreal and the summer and Christmas vacation in London.

Her father Antonio D’Amore (Mark Ruffalo) was an ancient civilization teacher at Concordia and her mother Mary Simmons (Miranda Otto) was the proud owner of one of the biggest coffee shops in Montreal. 

When she was four, her mother got pregnant again and deliver a healthy boy they called Marco (Matthew Daddario) to honour the Italian root of the D’Amore family and the more English root of Mary. They were from the beginning really close, doing everything they can together as the years goes by. 

As she grows older Alexandra discover that she not a normal child, she was able to see the past, the present, the future and the road not travelled and what will have been if that road was travelled. She was also able to sense the aura of people and their presence knowing when someone was close. Having those power made her distance herself from her peers and try to find an answer. 

At twelve a man calling himself John Smith came to her house saying that he was here to help her get control of her power. She will be sceptical of him at first having never heard of a Doctor John Smith specializing in supernatural things. She will follow him when her parents tell her it will be better for her to go. 

The moment she will see The Tardis she will call it an old blue box vexing the Tardis that will block her entry, until Alexandra apologizes and explains that for a lot of people she looks like an old box but she was sure she was really pleasant getting a buzzing sound from it and the door finally opening for her.  Inside John Smith will present himself as the Doctor and will explain the name Tardis to the young women who will only nod knowing the answer already after her talk with the Tardis. 

By talking together she will found out about the civilization that was living all around her in other planet and galaxy and even on earth. The Doctor even tell her she probably got her power from one of them, probably from the Time Lord but he didn’t know why. Making her realised he is a Time Lord and ask him to tell her story of his planet and his people, wanting to understand who he was and the reason that was pushing him to help her. 

He will explain to her the Time Lord and talk about Gallifrey, the other Time Lord and the beauty of travelling through Time and Space without a care in the world. As he was talking she see in his eyes what he cannot say that by helping her he trying to find himself again. He will invite her to travel for a time with him, she will accept while they will be five month together before coming back the same day they left. 

She made him promise they will see each other again, before leaving to go back to her family. Coming back they will see that the Alexandra that came back was different better in her skin. Traveling with him even for a small time helped her and all of her teenage years she will think about him and hoped that he had managed to find what he had lost, hope. 

After high school she will leave her family and study at Princeton in Visual Art specialising in photography and production, coming back during the summer before her birthday. At she is alone waiting for her brother to come back from a friends, she heard a distinct whooshing. Turning around she see the Doctor looking worse that the day she met him years ago, and wearing a new styles worrying her.   

Asking him what he was doing here, he will only say sorry as she ask him why the phone rings, she answers it and receives the news that her parents died in a car accident while en route to the airport. She then collapses angry at the Doctor, who should have warned her, and save them, that she hated him before he took her in his arms and comforted her. He lifts her up from the ground when he feels she is asleep as he leaves her on her bed, she wakes up and kisses him before falling asleep again, he will leave her, and leave a note apologizing for everything. 

After the burial of her parents, she returns to Princeton to finish her final year before receiving her master's degree, when she could have stayed and continued to obtain a bigger certificate, she decides to change continent and find her maternal grand- parents in London, leaving her brother with her uncle Luca (Peter Facinelli), knowing that the latter would be happier with him. 

She started working in a production office wanting to put into practice what she had learned in the past three years. While in Cardiff to shoot a commercial, she meets Jack Harkness, who rescues her from a group of Weevil. Seeing her as usual Jack begins to flirt with her, Alexandra seeing who he is will only thanks him and walks away, Jack will shouts her name. Making her turns quickly; he will admits that he has been following her for a while, because he felt she was special. He tells her about Torchwood and the fact that he is the boss, but that he is understaffed and that he thinks she might a great addition to the team. She will just leaves and says no that she got a better option. 

When she is 21 years old, and she finds herself alone again for her birthday, because Luca cannot come being on honeymoon and Marco is at school, she discovers in front of the door of her room the TARDIS. She opens the door and discovers a man with a black leather coat, short hair almost completely shaved and big ears before her. Looking into his eyes she will recognise him and tell him she was happy to see him and that she was sorry for the last time they saw each other. He will only smile at her and invite her to travel with him. 

She will accept and will leave with him for his first adventure battling against the Nestene, where they will meet Rose Tyler and begin traveling with them. She will become really close with Rose thinking of her as a younger sister, she will also love Mickey with whom she will have a great friendship until him leaving in the parallel universe. 

Sorry for the long post but once i start writing it was hard to stop 🤣 I will have more coming soon, since i decided to binged rewatch the entire new series to decide what I’m going to do with Alexandra for every season, and when her relationship with the Doctor will change for more than friendship.

[starksinthenorth]

...

I’ve been pretty absent from Tumblr and AO3 over the last month or so. In that time I: moved back to the city my school is in from where my parents live, started a new job, dealt with my city’s race riots/protests happening right outside my building (the stores on the first floor got broken into two nights in a row and a neighbor got maced by a cop while watching from their balcony, a friend got arrested for violating curfew - and that’s just a few things that happened), and started a new job. I live alone with a cat and dealing with the emotional isolation from friends and family has been more draining than I anticipated. My apologies for not responding, but with all the personal shit I just did not have the emotional energy to deal with ship wars and people’s adamant defenses of their faves.

This post is an address to a series of comments on my fic, Brave, Gentle, Strong, on AO3 by someone who has (generally) been respectful until recently, when the comments got somewhat more demanding and entitled. In fairness, I did promise to answer but just did not have the emotional space to deal with this. There’s a lot in those comments, so I’ll be addressing them in chunks. Here goes.

Request to tag fic “Sansa-centric”: I’m not going to be doing this. This fic is not Sansa-centric, I have fans of J, S, and D who have all enjoyed it and are sticking around despite controversial decisions I’ve made. While it’s mostly a romantic angst fic, the political plot thus far has been wholly dedicated to Dany finding a way to get her throne. The ending will be successful in that endeavor. If you do a “find” search on the “entire work” option, Dany appears 569 times, Daenerys 153 (total = 722); Sansa 837; and Jon 732. I have a horrible habit of using epithets, and “queen” appears an additional 197 times, most of which are “the queen” or “his queen” in reference to Dany.

Advocating for Dany is encouraged, not discouraged: I never said I don’t want people to advocate for their faves. Especially since I’m still not as familiar with Dany, I don’t mind people calling out areas I’ve miswritten her. Someone mentioned that I only have Sansa and Jon reflect on Dany’s beauty and not her strength and accomplishments. That’s not entirely true, but a reread did show me I have ways to go on making that more evident. Part of the difference with her and Sansa being appreciated by the other/Jon was two-fold: 1) Sansa was coming into the already established relationship of Jonerys, and 2) Sansa gets trashed a lot more in fanfic that I’ve read. When I was mostly into Jonsa it was a few years back and writers were still kind to Dany. When I got into Jonerys fic, it was during/after S8 and the writers were absolutely TERRIBLE to Sansa. I had my reasons for making Sansa appeared loved by the other two; but it’s on my list of things to add in on edits to show ways that J and S appreciate her more than just being pretty.

The reason that comment was made was some threatening and uncomfortable comments made by Dany stans.: I got some pretty awful comments from other Dany stans and it made me very adverse to reading any comments about her because of it.

I am a fan of Dany.: I really hate having to defend myself to people just because Sansa is my fave. I wrote this fic in anticipation of the horrible things to come after 804: Who Would Ever Want to be Queen?, a decent amount of fics with D/S as the premier couple in a happy way, and even some J/S fics where she’s featured positively. I’ve also written plenty of meta, rants, and defenses of her on tumblr: book!Dany and saving Missandei; how Dany could have been pro-slavery out of bitterness and wasn’t; Jon won’t kill Dany; GRRM Does Not Want Us to Think Negatively of Daenerys in ADWD; How Dany + Sansa will meet; Way D&D Fucked Up Daenerys Targaryen #32423423; and more. Like, just because bad things are happening to a character doesn’t mean the author hates them.

 This OT3 is made of characters I deeply care for. I just also really like angst. This fic is tagged heavy angst and we’re only 2/3 of the way through part 1 of 2.  

OT3’s future together:

1) Dany’s first child. I’m confused why you think Dany is “unhappy” when she leaves them at King’s Landing. She’s concerned to realize she’s pregnant – she stutters through her excuses to go away before puking; Missandei describes Dany as thus: “The look on Dany’s face nearly breaks her Hand’s heart. The joy and worry mixed with so much pain. She’s already lost two children. Must she lose a third?” Dany is severely worried that this child will die and explicitly doesn’t “want to pain [Jon and Sansa] with the news” that they could lose a child. Dany is an incredibly giving, loving character, but she also has an aloofness to her. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing, but it’s something she’s dealt with in canon: “Do all gods feel so lonely? Some must, surely.” (ASOS, Dany VI). And while they’re happy, she’s still dealing with that and learning to trust her partners. That’s why she goes to Dragonstone to give birth.

2) Writing Health poly relationships: You point out “Poly relationships that are healthy, have three or more people who love and respect each other. Equally.” And that’s what I’m working towards. The problem between how we each view this is in that exact statement: I am working towards a healthy relationship. They aren’t in one yet. Everyone has some personal and plot issues to work through before they can get together. And for that to happen, various plot devices needed to occur. It is not the purposeful “destruction and misery of one [partner]” in this fic from the other partners’ POVs. It’s an authorial decision to make everyone pretty miserable before they can be triumphant. I’ve written a fair amount of angst and fics that are literally just characters suffering. It’s a dynamic I like to explore and this has been labeled Heavy Angst since the first chapter was posted, back when it was just Dany taking a nap and chatting with Sansa. If angst isn’t your thing, this isn’t the story for you. I’ve said it since the beginning. I’ve been doing reading in on this and how to write it better, but at the end of the day they aren’t a couple yet. They’re each individual parties thinking as individuals about their individual interests. They still need to realize they’re better together, and they aren’t there yet. If you want to know how that looks, checkout The Price of a Princess, a newer fic about their future as parents and rulers together.

3) Authorial plot devices do not equate abuse character behaviors. You said it was “abuse” that I had a plot device (the miscarriage) that is going to cause character and romantic development. That’s not abusive behavior. The characters are unaware of the events as they occur. A living human cannot abuse fictional characters. You might disagree with the choices I made about this plot, but it’s not abusive because only one of us is actually a person.

[sage-nebula]

I choose Alan!

First impression:

I first became aware of Alan because someone posted a screencap of the end of one of the Ash and Alan episodes where the narrator was like, “but little did they know that the world is slowly sliding toward destruction” and the person captioned it with, “Not again, Alan” and I was like, “what do you mean ‘again’?!” So my first impression of him was that he had somehow ended the world at some previous point, and that made me go watch all the TSME episodes. (Of course, he didn’t, but this wouldn’t be the PokéAni fandom if it didn’t unjustly blame him for everything.)

Impression now:

HE’S MY VALIANT DRAGON SON AND I’LL DEFEND HIM ‘TIL MY DYING DAY.

Favorite moment:

Part of me wants to say the moment where he finally finds his voice and is able to stand up to Lysandre, given that Lysandre was his abuser and that was such a powerful moment for him.

But the more indulgent side of me says that it was the moment where he spent all of .01 seconds before he threw himself out of an aircraft, swinging down by rope in a piece of stunning animation, to go out on the ice and save Lizardon in TSME 3. Good god that was incredible.

Idea for a story:

Let’s see … in my Works in Progress folder I currently have:

- The sixth chapter of To Devour the Sun (he’s not actually in that chapter, but the story focuses on him primarily, and he’s mentioned a lot).

- Lizardon’s origin story, which is from Alan’s point-of-view and details how he found and hatched Lizardon’s egg.

- A fic where Alan, age eleven, gives a presentation at the annual League funding science conference (it has a more official name than that, I don’t remember) because Sycamore is too sick to do so, and if they don’t attend and do a good job at the conference, the lab will lose its funding. Note that Sycamore does not send Alan; Alan sends himself by enlisting Gabrielle (Sycamore’s garchomp) to cut the cord to Sycamore’s alarm clock.

- A fic where Alan, having newly become Champion, gives a speech / answers questions at his induction ceremony pertaining to what happened in the Flare arc and what his plans are for the future, showing how far he’s come in his recovery.

- A fic in my Immortality AU where Alan and Ash time travel thanks to Celebi shenanigans and interact with Sycamore during XY(&Z). Or at least, this used to be in my WIPs folder, but it was lost when my folder was mysteriously deleted a while ago, RIP. Anyway, I still have a bit of it saved in a draft, so you can have a snippet of it since all the rest was deleted:

“Alan, you can have Lizardon fly you down, can’t you?” Augustine asked, and he smiled as Alan looked over at him, eyes wide. “I saw on television that he had evolved. He should be able to carry you—maybe both of you, depending?”

Alan bit his lip, holding Augustine’s gaze for just a moment before he shook his head and turned away, facing the waterfall’s edge again. “No. I can’t call on Lizardon right now.”

Augustine frowned, his heart skipping an unpleasant beat in his chest. “Why not? Steven said he had healed after the incident in Hoenn. Was he wrong?”

“Steven?” Alan looked back, his brow scrunched in confusion, but before Augustine could answer the confusion cleared and he shook his head. “Oh, yeah—no, he was right. Lizardon recovered from that just fine.”

“Then why can’t he carry you?” Augustine asked. Alan didn’t answer, and instead shoved his hands into his coat pockets and started walking along the edge of the waterfall, down the slope that led along the bank. Ash cast a frown Augustine’s way before he turned and started to follow Alan. Augustine stared after the pair of them for a second—since when had Alan ever just walked away in the middle of a conversation like that?—before he started after himself, a knot of stress building in his chest. “Alan, what’s wrong with Lizardon?”

“Nothing’s wrong with Lizardon,” Alan said, and though he raised his voice to be heard, he didn’t look back. “Come on, there should be another path down over here.”

- A much longer fic involving an organization named Panacea that wants to take over the world, and is doing so by challenging each region’s Champion—and, further, is doing so by challenging them with people who have specifically trained to challenge them. In particular the starting fic had Alan’s antagonist, a woman named Florence, showing up in Isolé Village (where he lived the first five miserable years of his life), and Alan has to go there to chase her out. He encounters the villagers who “raised” him for the first time in seventeen years, and it goes … mmh. It goes.

And probably others, but I can’t remember them right now.

Unpopular opinion:

Oh boy, where do I begin.

- Alan deserved to win the League, full stop. I love Ash, but had Greninja beaten Lizardon it would have been the strongest show of plot armor imaginable. Mega Charizard X outclasses Battle Bond Greninja in every way, especially when ‘Zard X has Thunder Punch which, no, cannot be blocked by Water Shuriken, that is nonsense.

- Alan was not remotely responsible for what happened to Hari-san. Hari-san was able to wander off and become comatose due to Manon’s negligence as a trainer. That was in no way his fault and the fact that no one took the time to tell him that he doesn’t have to blame himself for everything is a crime.

- For that matter, Alan had every single right in the world to decide not to travel with Manon anymore, especially since she never asked to come with him in the first place, and instead just kept stalking him and ignoring his “no” until he gave in. Manon continuously ran roughshod over Alan’s boundaries, ignored his consent, argued with him when he explained his feelings in a way that completely ignored those feelings, and ultimately just had no respect for him as a person, instead only thinking about herself and what she got from their partnership (i.e. talking about how much she can learn and grow, saying she’ll get through danger as long as he protects her, et cetera). Frankly, the fact that it took so long for Alan to actually yell at her just goes to show how nice of a person he is. If it were me, I would have yelled like that back in TSME 1 (instead of just calling her annoying and continuously ditching her like he did).

- To that end, I think that Alan and Manon’s relationship as it is at the end of the series is pretty unhealthy, since Manon never once apologized or learned from any of her behavior (thus she stayed pretty static / will no doubt keep making the same mistakes again and again), and Alan now feels as if he can’t do anything that will upset her because that will make him a Horrible Awful Person Who’s Ruining Her Life. And I mean, we kind of already see this happen; in XYZ045, Alan does try to tell her that he doesn’t want to dance (and he looks seriously panicked and uncomfortable about it), but everyone, including Sycamore in a move that really disappointed me, pressures him to do it anyway. And what ends up happening? He gives in, and he’s not smiling during the dance scene, either. Honestly, that scene triggered me really badly because it brought up memories of times when my own boundaries and consent were completely railroaded—where I was explicitly told that what I wanted didn’t matter—and the resulting panic attack was so bad I got sick and had to bring it up with my therapist. Anyway, while I prefer to write their relationship post-canon as being healthy (at least with regards to Alan not giving into all of Manon’s whims), as it is in canon it has the potential to be so bad, and we’ve already seen that. It’s gross.

- To that end, imagining them romantically is also gross. I think it speaks to the heteronormativity of this fandom that they look at a fifteen-year-old boy and a ten-year-old girl (particularly one who acts like she’s eight) and think, “Hm, yes, this is true romantic love.” The maturity gap between them is palpable. Manon huffs and throws tantrums like a little kid. Alan has to watch over and take care of and protect her. Setting aside that their behavior is much more similar to that of siblings, the fact remains that they met at a stage in their lives where Manon looks to Alan for guidance and protection and Alan, however reluctantly, offers that. This sets the stage for how their relationship will continue to grow and develop. Speaking from experience, Alan’s not going to look at her one day and see a romantic interest. He’s going to still think of her as a kid. And again, I’m speaking from experience here; I know that my nephew is now almost eighteen years old, but when I think of him, I still imagine him as he was when he was a small child. I have step-cousins who are not blood related to me at all that I’ve known since they were small children, and it always blows my mind when I’m reminded that they’re now graduating high school and going off to college. I still think of them as kids, and Alan would be the same way with Manon. And even if one wanted to argue that wouldn’t stop Manon from having a precocious crush on Alan—and I agree, it wouldn’t—that doesn’t mean that Alan would (or should!) return her feelings. Again, she acts like (and in-universe is often compared to) Bonnie. She’s less mature than Ash, Serena, and Clemont, who are supposed to be her age contemporaries. Thinking that Alan would view her romantically makes him out to be really very gross, and I find it extraordinarily insulting to his character. (And again, in this case, even if you age them up it won’t work, because they met at a time when Alan had to be a caretaker for Manon. That makes it squicky.)

And before anyone comes at me — age gaps are NOT inherently bad. My own parents have a sixteen year age difference between them, so believe me, I’m NOT against age gaps as a whole. But when and how you meet (as in the context of your meeting) is important. My parents met when one was forty-six and the other was thirty. They were both adults, they had both been married and divorced before, they met on equal footing. Alan and Manon have not met at an equal footing, and they’ve met at very important developmental stages in their lives. Again, maturity is a HUGE part of it, because it’s the maturity gap that’s squickier than the age gap. If Manon had the maturity of, say, Ash I could see arguing for it, but as it stands she acts far more like Bonnie, and it’s squicky. This ship is a NOTP for me for so many reasons (including the above mentioned how Manon continuously ignores Alan’s consent and runs over his boundaries), and this is certainly one of them.

And last but not least: I know this is all blunt and harsh. I know this. But listen: In the past, when I’ve tiptoed around my feelings (either by writing very vague tags in a blank post that did not mention either Manon OR the ship by name), I’ve received hate for it. I’ve had people vagueblog me, I’ve had people send me rude messages, and I’ve had people yell at and block me for daring to politely voice my own opinions on my own posts when they brought the subject up (i.e. I made the post about something different entirely, they brought up Manon, I tried to state my opinion politely, they got mad and blocked me). So if tiptoeing around the situation and being diplomatic gets me hate anyway, why bother? I’ll be honest about how I feel, and how I feel is that I hate this ship, I think Manon should have been made to take responsibility for her behavior in canon, and her stans have made it incredibly hard for me to like her at all considering how they vilify Alan (or else just reduce him to her trophy boyfriend), constantly excuse everything she does, and resort to vagueblogging, rude messages, and yelling when they encounter anyone who doesn’t like her, no matter how polite or diplomatic they are about it. I still treat her fairly in the fics I write (i.e. I don’t vilify her, I write her as being successful in the future, et cetera), but at this point I’m done pretending outside of fic that this fandom hasn’t ruined her for me, because they absolutely have.

- I don’t think he should have immediately left on a journey again at the end of the series. I think he should have stayed at the lab instead, especially since Sycamore said that Alan was needed there. Alan should have stayed at the lab to rest, heal, and recover, and then later he should have taken the Champion challenge. That he was sent out on a journey again was super lazy writing.

- I also think that he should have been able to keep the Mega Stone and Key Stone, but repurposed into pendants by Sycamore, to give Alan a true fresh start and remove any taint that might have been on them. But that’s less important than all of the above.

Favorite relationship:

It’s a very close tie between his relationships with Lizardon and Sycamore, and an honorary mention to his relationship with Ash.

Alan and Lizardon are platonic soulmates and I love everything about their relationship. I love how Alan moves closer to Lizardon whenever he’s feeling nervous or anxious. I love how they talk to each other, and how Alan perfectly understands what Lizardon’s saying even when they just exchange looks. I love how Alan was willing to risk his life to protect Lizardon without a single thought. I love how Lizardon similarly shielded Alan during the Flare crisis to prevent him from getting hurt. I love how they respect each other so much, to the point where, in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene, Alan extends his hand toward Lizardon but waits until Lizardon moves in for petting and cuddling right after they win the League. Alan doesn’t just pet Lizardon, he waits for permission before he pets and cuddles Lizardon. Alan respects consent and boundaries, and doesn’t consider himself entitled to Lizardon cuddles just because he’s Lizardon’s trainer (sorry, partner). 

Alan and Sycamore also so incredibly sweet, and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see more of them in canon. Sycamore is Alan’s dad in everything but blood, and there’s so much in the show to point to this … and yet somehow, not enough. But I love how supportive Sycamore is of Alan, how understanding and loving he is, and likewise how Alan will do anything to protect Sycamore, given how Sycamore saved him when he was young. They’re precious.

Finally, honorable mention is to Alan and Ash, because they helped each other so much during Kalos and I honestly love the relationship they had. So many people are tied up in the “rivalry” that was hardly that, and it saddens me so much because they’re missing such quality content. Ash managed to make Alan smile, laugh, and feel excitement and happiness at a time when he was so critically depressed that he couldn’t. Post-canon, he gave Alan a reason to keep living, which Alan says himself saved him. (He also is the one who inspired Alan to fight back at the start of the Flare crisis, on Prism Tower.) Meanwhile, Alan was someone it was okay for Ash to lose against. Ash was put on such a pedestal throughout Kalos that losing was practically deemed unacceptable, and gave him a whole damn crisis around the Snowbelle City time. But Alan and Ash met when Alan and Lizardon were a pair of Big Damn Heroes (the light of the dawn behind them and everything) saving Pikachu from Team Rocket (and protecting Ash from their attacks!). From the get-go it was acknowledged that Alan was so strong that, if Ash lost against him, it was fine. It wasn’t seen as “shocking” like when Ash lost to Shouta. Alan was someone that Ash could just have fun battling against, without something serious riding on it. They have a natural comfort around each other, familiarity like you’d expect best friends to have. I really love their relationship, too.

Favorite headcanon:

Pretty much everything in all of my post-canon fics, haha, but I’m really attached to the matching pendants I gave Alan and Lizardon for their Key Stone and Mega Stone, respectively. (Or rather, that I had Sycamore give Alan and Lizardon, haha. But same thing, really.)

[coldandforbidding-blog]

Task 001: Questionnaire

Tell me how’s the way to see; show me all that I could be.

APPEARANCE.

Hair colour: Blonde Eye colour: Steely blue, rather round. Glasses or contact lenses: Contacts. Fun fact: being quarter Veela does not make you impervious to having astigmatism.  Height: 5′9″ Weight: 135 Build: Dainty frame, slender arms, perfect posture; a dancer’s body.  Scars: None, though she will acquire them over time.  Birthmarks: Pale brown birthmark on her cheek. Of all the features that she was blessed with, this one is her favorite.  Tattoos: On her left side, rib cage, she has a small vine of Lily of the Valley flowers.  Distinguishing features: Her ethereal aura is the first thing everyone notices about a Delacour girl. Being a quarter Veela, one look at Fleur and you are simply captivated; she radiated allure and charm, though whether that comes from her genetics or upbringing, it’s a rather blurred line. Though separate from her silvery voice or the darling way she walks, when she lowers her guard and lessens the Veela charms, her defining features include her intense jawline, large eyes, and pale blonde hair that frames her face -- and most of her torso. 

PERSONALITY.

Bad character traits: 

Blunt; explicit; straight-forward; curt. In how many words can one say rude as hell? Fleur doesn’t understand why people get upset with her honesty. She tells men when there isn’t going to be another date; she lets girls know when their boyfriend should be dumped. She doesn’t sugar coat the frivolous day-to-day; it’s rather black and white. If you are unhappy, why stay that way? Many simply write Fleur off as rude, spoiled, and inconsiderate. Look to the way she speaks of the Boy Who Lived. Little boy, this. Scrawny knees, that. All she sees Harry as is this tiny, skinny boy who is constantly being circled by wolves. Her efforts to draw attention to his short-comings in conversation is her way of saying that he needs to be left alone, be his own person. Clearly he won’t live up to all of the myths spoken about him. And she doesn't feel the need to explain herself at all. She thinks that him being a “little boy” makes it all clear. On top of that, the language barrier makes her blunt opinions even more boiled down. Stubborn; though Fleur will always listen to reason and logic, she will not waver from her heart. As a Taurus, Fleur is incredibly practical and can be swayed with the right facts in front of her. On the flip side, it is incredibly difficult to change her mind once she believes she is morally in the right. You cannot sway her in a political conversation; not in the pureblood debate, not on magical creature’s rights, there’s very little point. Her convictions are just like her wand; inflexible.  Materialistic; vain; over-indulgent. This is how people see Fleur. She loves the good life, and will work her ass off to see herself remain there. One can always find this Ravenclaw done-up for class; it is very rare to spot her not indulging in the finer things. She wears clothing like armor, she must be impenetrable. God for bid she loses her voice in an argument without her pearl necklace or someone find her Achilles heel without her powder blue pumps on. For Fleur, it isn’t enough just to be pretty, you have to be the full package. Though she tends to play her cards close to her chest, there is clearly some deep rooted insecurities muddled in all of this. She sets impossibly high standards for herself, for that’s the best way she believes -- at least at this point in her life -- that people can take her seriously. Intimidation visually, respect verbally.  

Good character traits:  Loyal; supportive; unwavering. I based a lot of my writings and musings based on the star sign that I assigned to Fleur; Taurus. It just simply fits so well in my opinion! The ruling planet being Venus alone is explanation enough; “the planet of love, attraction, beauty, satisfaction, creativity and gratitude.” Like…that’s homegirl right there. Her loyalties are fierce and LOUD. And her reaction to betrayal is that much stronger. There is no question regarding which house she belongs to -- for someone who doesn’t care for Quidditch all that much, she still manages to boast her house pride. My best example from canon is her loyalty to Harry once he saves her sister in the Second Task. Absolutely floored by his selflessness, wanting only for Gabrielle to survive the horrid fate she was nearly resigned to. Fleur promised that she would never forget, and she never lost respect or loyalty towards Harry or the causes he rallied behind.  Affectionate; doting; romantic. @riss come back before you post from drafts Bright; capable; humorous; savvy. In the time between her departure from boarding school and her enrollment in Hogwarts Academy, she spent that buffer primarily teaching ballet to young children at the studio she grew up in. Though she threw most of her childhood into the craft, dance isn’t exactly her life’s passion. Fleur, much to the dismay of others, has political savvy. More than that, she had an activist’s spirit. She feels as if her mind, body, and heart must share worth and cultivate strength by working off of one another. Despite her own struggles, she knows how fortunate she is to have been born a Delacour woman. And that isn’t something that she often forgets. Beauty and charisma yet, strength and uncompromising will. And despite keeping her emotions close to her chest, she does NOT by any means keep her opinions to herself (unless there’s a reason i.e. not disclosing which side she favors, as to not make herself or her family targets). “Wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure,” damn right it is. She’s blunt, penetrating, and a down right riot if you catch her at the right time and place.     Optimistic or pessimistic: Optimistic. Introverted or extroverted: This is cheating but, she is an introverted extrovert. Good habits: Exercising her mind, body, and soul. Keeping on top of herself -- always trying to improve as a person. Don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?  Bad habits: Speaking before thinking, judging others upon surface features -- despite how much she loathes when people do that to her, drinking too much too late into the evening.  Pet peeves: Being interrupted, people assuming she’s heartless, disrespecting teachers, chapped lips, people snorting their snot when they should absolutely have blown their nose ten minutes ago.  Guilty pleasures: Speaking about someone in French, proving that she has brains to back up her beauty, the finer things™.  Fears: Falling from high heights (hence her distaste for Quidditch), bringing shame to her family’s name, and as the war brews, she will fear her family being targeted due to her efforts involved with the Order.  Secrets: I would like to spend more time with Fleur to figure this out <3 Political views: This will have its own post when I get to it. It truly is a dense topic for Fleur.  What do they consider an overrated character trait: Being polite. Nice is different than good. What do they consider an underrated character trait: Humor. She is putty in your hands if you can make her laugh.  What would they change about themselves if they could: Her relationship with women. Fleur is this ethereal entity, adored by men. And this negatively impacts the way she extends a hand to other women and vice versa; her insecurities versus their’s. Fleur is imperfect – at this point in her life, she fears and resents other women at times though struggles with also wanting to uplift them and stand strong as ladies should. It is hard for her to get past the way people judge her. She has issues with wanting to be liked and pined after -- she cannot deny that she loves the ego boost. Though if men she is attracted to pine for someone who is not her, Fleur becomes very cross -- she’s basically won the genetic lottery! Let’s say for example she has feelings for Viktor, who has feelings for Hermione. Fleur’s jealousy would flare up and her instinct would be to tear Hermione down -- how could he pick her over her? Comparing her to the other, trying to poke at Hermione’s flaws, only to gradually begin tearing herself down; do I bore him? Am I not his type? Am I trying too hard? Why does she have to not even draw a iron to her hair and he’s all over her? However, she knows that this isn’t healthy for her or anyone else involved. Improving her relationship with women -- and inadvertently men -- is a big goal this school year. 

PAST AND FUTURE.

What does their family consist of: Her mother, father, and her baby sister. Do they find family important: Intensely.  Do they have siblings: Her dear Gabrielle, whom she constantly dotes on.  What was your character like as a child:  Believe it or not, there was a brief time when the little Delacour girl was not a blunt, spunky – oh, how she hates that word – force to be reckoned with. It’s true; there was a simpler, quaint, and fucking quiet Fleur that existed before she reached her prime. Despite being greatly opinionated as a young girl, she normally kept defiant feelings and all of those snarky comments she wished she could make to herself – she didn’t need to be known as the troubled daughter, now did she? No, no, Fleur was supposed to be a simple girl – taking piano and “young socialite” lessons like her parents had greatly encouraged. She loved her mother and father dearly, wanted nothing more to be a good role model to her sister, the least she could do was play the part. Being part-Veela, the Delacour beauty was rather renowned. As she got leered at and comments from men from a very young age, Fleur was timid and hid herself in defiance. Large sweaters, the loosest slacks her mother would allow, only baring her shoulders in the comfort of the ballet studio. What was your character like as a teenager: The older her and Gabrielle got, the more she used her assets and genetic aura to her advantage. She became solid teflon. Sharp tongue with quick wit, wore clothes like body armor, lowering her guard to very few people. Fleur felt the need to protect Gabrielle from feeling as insecure as she did growing up. What advice would they give their younger self: The quote that I will use for Fleur until the day that I die: There are two things a man is always willing to believe about a woman. One, that she is weak. And two, that she is attracted to him. Best childhood memory: Helping her mother and father construct baby Gabrielle’s nursery, who was still in Apolline’s tummy. They didn’t allow her to do much heavy lifting in the process, she was still quite little. She can remember that day with such distinction; all windows were wide open, natural light baking the room to such a perfect golden brown that she hardly wanted to paint over the wall with the baby pink color that she had helped her mother pick out only hours before. She can recall buzzing with excitement in her chest as she spoke to Apolline’s tummy, peppering it with kisses, hoping that Gabi could understand and feel how much Fleur already loved her. And the unmistakable feeling of her heart breaking whenever her papa would remind her that her sister wouldn’t be coming home for a few more weeks.  What are their future ambitions: Fleur is still figuring that part out. All she knows is that she wants to make a difference, as cheesy as that may sound. Aside from her occupation, she’s at a loss. She is at a point in her life where decisions are starting to matter.  What do they want to be ‘when they grow up‘: Working for or with the Ministry’s Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures is her biggest passion at the moment. She’s partial to the Beast Division, though the Spirit Division would be a close second.  

MISCELLANEOUS.

What are their hobbies: Ballet, staying up late, reading and researching, dueling, partying with friends.   What is their patronus: Upon taking the “full” patronus test with Fleur in mind, her patronus is a Unicorn! Which I feel is very fitting; unicorns are rare and sought after creatures, who are classically depicted with feminine qualities and they have a stronger affinity towards women in general.  What place would they most like to visit: At the moment? Muggle London -- though truly any Muggle-populated metropolitan.  What is in their purse or wallet: This could really change for any occasion but, I’ll go with a casual day at school. Her wand, an exact-o blade in case anything should happen to her wand, her glasses anything should happen to her eyes, compact mirror, tinted lip gloss, a rather well-loved note pad, a blue pen, and her latest copy of the Wizard newspaper in France -- her mother always send an owl with the latest copy, sometimes with notes in between columns.   What is on their bedside table: Her glasses case, whatever book she was reading the night before, her diary, and her casual jewelry tray.  What do they value the most in a friend or partner: Trust. Mutual trust. At the end of the day, Fleur doesn’t have time for instability. When she needs to lean on someone -- which doesn’t happen all the time -- she doesn’t have time for ulterior motives. Though she holds loyalty to a high degree, there is no loyalty if you have done nothing to gain her trust or display that you trust her entirely.  If they could have one magical skill perfected, which would they choose: Non-verbal magic. It is a skill that her father and mother have mastered with such ease, and she simply wishes to follow suit.  What would they ask a fortune teller: Likely about the crossroads she is in right now. Should she just return to France once her time at Hogwarts Academy is done? Or stay and fight for the causes she believes in? To be safe or to be free?

[killthebxy-archive]

          PLEASE NOTE, before anything else, that this verse is based on my knowledge of the movies + my independent research only. i never read the books and possibly won’t any time soon, therefore, if you would like to discuss anything with me before (or during, or after) we start writing, so that we’re more on a same level, please feel free to --- i am always more than glad to learn more and improve my own ideas. this verse is also heavily influenced by headcanons and by my talks with @wildmoored & @ofherage (bless you both precious souls), and contains some lines of inspiration derived from the Life Is Strange video game. i purposefully leave the default timeline of this verse as vague, so it can easily fit any setting: golden trio era, Marauders era, Tom Riddle era, etc.

          with that said, in this verse, the Starks are an ancient pure-blood family in the wizarding world, well known for the same characteristics they have in the ASOIAF canon: brave and noble hearts, quick temper, honorable and ever ready both to help & for a good fight. despite their nature, though, they aren’t anywhere close to wealthy, and are known to struggle with money every now and then, especially now that their family includes six children. Jon himself was adopted, around the same time Robb was born to Ned and Cat, when they found a newborn baby abandoned nearby their home. they decided to adopt and raise him as their own, and, while Jon is aware of this, he has a very close and positive relationship with his parents and his siblings, no matter the lack of real blood ties. to some surprise, this adopted child eventually proved to be a wizard as well, but Ned and Cat treated it naturally and prepared Jon to attend education at Hogwarts, much as they did with Robb. the two of them joined during the same year, for being practically of the same age save for a few months.

          Jon was sorted into Gryffindor, as tends to happen for most Starks, based on traits such as courage, chivalry, and bravery of heart. he retains most character traits from the ASOIAF canon, still an introvert and relatively shy and very observant, though to a much lesser tragic scale --- aka not having to deal with half his family being murdered, being murdered himself, the end of the world, etc etc. for the most part, he’s as common as any other boy his age, and, while not the top student, still a fairly good one and one always motivated to learn more and improve. and, while he’s far from being a social butterfly and much rather prefers to do his own thing, he still has a few good close friends. on the other hand, and despite having a loving family and having had a very positive upbringing, Jon has quite low self-confidence and self-esteem, and falls easily to both bullying and manipulation --- for motives to be better explored in the next paragraphs.

          having grown up with magic, and with Robb as his rival and best friend, Jon has a natural liking for spell casting. he may not be the most powerful caster, but his spells are usually very precise and he can perform them with relative ease --- as well, just like canon!Jon with Longclaw in hand, he is rather graceful in the casting of his spells. because he’s also naturally curious, with an interest in learning and improving his own performance, it’s not rare to find him (even on his own) trying to master more difficult spells. he’s also decent at brewing potions, though it’s not too big of a deal for him --- more like something he doesn’t mind doing for class, sometimes for fun, but definitely nothing like a goal he’d truly invest in.

          where Jon’s talent truly shines, however, is in the art of Divination, for motives that dwell much farther into his story --- because, in this verse, Jon has a very close connection with the deathly hallows --- namely, with the Second Brother in The Tale Of The Three Brothers. please note that what i am going to state next is my personal headcanon, and slight deviation from the real tale as we know it.

          Meanwhile, the second brother journeyed to his own home, where he lived alone. Here he took out the stone that had the power to recall the dead, and turned it thrice in his hand. To his amazement and his delight, the figure of the girl he had once hoped to marry before her untimely death appeared at once before him. Yet she was silent and cold, separated from him as though by a veil. Though she had returned to the mortal world, she did not truly belong there and suffered. Finally, the second brother, driven mad with hopeless longing, killed himself so as truly to join her. And so Death took the second brother for his own.

          before this happened, however, before the Second Brother killed himself, some events took place. being driven mad with grief for his lost lover, as mentioned, he made a final attempt to reunite with her, even if in a different life, and, for this purpose, mastered the art of separating his soul into parts to be guarded within objects and entities --- creating a few horcruxes as one last, desperate hope to be able to continue existing and, this way, be able to reunite with the woman he loved yet again. throughout the sands of time, these horcruxes were either lost or destroyed; all except one --- a newborn baby abandoned in an alleyway. the same baby Ned and Catelyn Stark adopted as their own, making Jon the final recipient containing the soul of the Second Brother.

          Jon is unaware of this, as are all who live/contact with him (note: this is adaptable to thread), though some quirks in him easily raise suspicion that something is not completely regular about him. from a very young age, he would be plagued with dreams about times past that he could not entirely recognize, but that felt familiar in an unexplained way, and, occasionally, would have actual visions of events yet to happen. despite being an overall healthy child (and then teen and young adult), due to this connection to the Second Brother, he suffers from almost constant headaches and, whenever one of these episodes is more intense (particularly, the visions of the future), he will break down in a fever that lasts for a few good hours and has no bodily explanation, otherwise. these visions are cryptic and symbolic almost always, similar to Melisandre’s visions in the flames, and it takes Jon quite some effort to be able to precisely predict an event.

          another clear manifestation of the Second Brother’s essence in Jon is his deep longing for a girl he doesn’t know about and never met or saw before in his life --- the constant feeling that he is incomplete and aching to reunite with his other half, without the awareness of why this happens or where it comes from. the only clue he has about this mystery girl is the image of a long mane of fire-kissed hair. note: as default for this verse, this girl, who’s also the Second Brother’s lover, is represented by Ygritte --- however, i am open to discuss this and adapt it to different thread ideas. Jon tends to be rather secretive about this story, mainly because he can hardly understand it himself, but it is an overarching theme in his daily life. for example, he’s got a liking for drawing and painting, and the bulk of his spontaneous creations are related to this girl.

          yet another manifestation has to do with the manipulation of time-space. again, this is something that i am headcanoning out of my own musings, because (as far as i know) we do not have information about any sort of spells or anything else able to alter the time-space dimension, save for the time turner device. because the Second Brother was able to project his obsessive will throughout the centuries, however, creating a horcrux in the form of a baby in modern days, Jon retains a little bit of this gift. he cannot do it at will at all and it is a very consuming process, but, whenever his emotions are in strong disarray (e.g., very angry, very sad, very anxious), at times it provokes minor mishaps in the time-space --- such as rewinding a few minutes in time without meaning to, or accidentally warping objects or even to make them disappear.

          on the other hand, Jon’s biggest flaw as a wizard comes from a rather mundane fact: that he has severe phobia of heights. logically, this greatly hinders his skill to ride a broom, which is something he avoids as much as possible. during his first year at Hogwarts, he actually scored a very brilliant last place in Madam Hooch’s flying class and was only able to push through it by means of exceptional willpower and determination --- but make no mistake, he’s the worst broom rider ever and will cling to you for dear life & squish your ribs flat if you make him fly anything else at all with you --- this, if he actually doesn’t slip off it altogether and smacks himself down on the ground below.

          as far as his faithful companion goes, and no surprises here, in Jon’s case it is Ghost. wolves (a regular wolf, not a direwolf, in this verse) are usually not a welcome presence on the school grounds, but, thanks to the good relationships between the Starks and Rubeus Hagrid, and once the animals proved to be well trained and no threat to the students, they were allowed to live in the Forbidden Forest and to visit the castle’s outside areas, though not the castle itself.

a sum-up of general details:

default verse age: varies between 11 and 18, depending on the school year;

in post-school year threads, Jon is a professor at Hogwarts and responsible for the Divination class;

bisexual and biromantic (note: because of his longing for the mysterious girl, building up a romantic relationship with him will take time and effort, though i am not opposed to it if chemistry is present. for this same motive, unless otherwise plotted beforehand, the default, no matter Jon’s age, is that he never had a relationship before, at both sexual and romantic levels);

social drinker, more for the fun of it than anything else, and doesn’t smoke;

no tattoos and no piercings, because he personally doesn’t see the appeal in it;

is quite short-sighted and wears glasses;

sucks at winking because he cannot blink only one eye at a time.

wizarding world details:

Jon’s wand is fir wood with a unicorn hair core, twelve inches, and rigid flexibility. 

          Gerbold Octavius Ollivander always called wands made of fir ‘the survivor’s wand’, for having sold it to three wizards who subsequently passed through mortal peril unscathed. this wood, coming as it does from the most resilient of trees, produces wands that demand staying power and strength of purpose in their true owners, and they are poor tools in the hands of the changeable and indecisive. fir wands favor owners of focused, strong-minded and, occasionally, intimidating demeanor. unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. they are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner. minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may 'die' and need replacing.

          if, in any situation, Jon was to face a Boggart, it would shift into the shape of a broom --- more concretely, one actually poking at him and trying to get him to ride it. this is the symbol of his deep fear of flying and, ultimately, his deep fear of heights. to counter it, his Riddikulus spell would change the broom into a cute dancing one, worthy of any Disney movie.

          Jon’s class record goes as follows, with little fluctuation during the different years (Arithmancy was a third option allowed exceptionally to him when picking the classes to add to the core ones, based on his great talent and liking for the subject):

Arithmancy:  (O)utstanding

Astronomy: (E)xceeds Expectations

Care of Magical Creatures: (E)xceeds Expectations

Charms: (E)xceeds Expectations

Defense Against the Dark Arts: (E)xceeds Expectations

Divination: (O)utstanding

Flying: (D)readful

Herbology: (A)cceptable

History of Magic: (A)cceptable

Potions: (A)cceptable

Transfiguration: (E)xceeds Expectations

          finally, Jon’s Patronus charm takes the form of a Thestral --- more information HERE. Jon is also able to see real Thestrals, for having witnessed death before --- not in his current life, but in his past one. this fact brings confusion both to him and to those he tells about it, exactly because, in his current life, he’s never witnessed a death. it is yet another remnant of his existence as the Second Brother, and the tragic loss of his lover.

[vacationcalendar]

7/19/21

Alright bitch, welcome back. Holy shit I make sitting down to blog look fucking impossible don’t I. Alright alright, let’s keep it pg-13 if we can..

I set an alarm for 10am to go off every day that just says BLOG TIME. I’d preferably like to get banging out words onto the page a little bit BEFORE that. It’s a powerful “awakening” activity in my experience, and I should be using that to my advantage. I also want to take as much time as I can on this project, especially if it’s psuedo-replacing a 40hr/week job. The earlier I get started the less I have to worry about what time it is when I’m done. My procrastination on day 2 has cost me the entirety of a sunny day. Well, it’s 2:30 now; so I imagine by the time I wrap this up I’ll have missed peek sun time. But who’s to say?

I’m starting to get that sense of dread again. That feeling I sometimes get when I can see hard plans lining my calendar far too densely populated for my liking. Big dentist appointment tomorrow. Day after that is a wash as far as I’m concerned. Even if my mouth miraculously heals in time to actually enjoy my Wednesday, I can already guarantee the psychic wounds of enduring an hours long, 600$-ish sit under the drill will take at least a couple extended sets of the fitful rest to recover from. Then I leave on Thursday to begin a full weeklong family vacation. And in that week I’ll have to figure out how to keep fucking blogging, or this thing is gonna stall out on the train tracks 100%. Do I have to explain that to you? I mean you get it; you know I’m right about that. I’m a naturally cowardly, sinful guy. I have to build up inertia on any remotely dutiful or healthy task, or I simply cannot keep it up...

So the next 3 days are all going to test my ability to actually sit here and write something. I’m really not going to want to, even though I want for literally nothing else right now. The only thing I want to do more than this creative process is to simply not exist at all. And it’s all compounded by these blasted plans. Fuck these plans. These are the dastardly plans that just cannot get canceled. They’re too high impact, and “good”(?). So then the fact that these blogs are also a “plan” just piles it up too high for me seemingly. It is quite clearly, objectively, not too much to handle. But I cannot help the fact that I feel claustrophobic. I just do. The strategy can’t be to NOT feel that way, it can’t be preventative. It has to deal with the feeling somehow. Hmmm... it’s tricky. To me, in this moment, as I’m typing this, it feels tricky. I honestly think that by the time I’m finished typing here, it WON’T feel so tricky. I’m certainly hoping that’s the case. 

Ok new track: Part of why I procrastinated so long today was pretty simple. I was hungover. I was hungover and I didn’t know what to talk about. Instead of going to be thinking about my usual faire, I was just thinking I feel like shit; I hope I don’t throw up. So I woke up late, slow, and with zero thoughts bouncing around my head. So I just watched LCS footage and read twitter, and by the time I got up and made coffee (mandatory for the blog. Blogging without coffee sounds insane. What would you ponderously sip between sentences? Water? How would that even work?) and sat down to write, I had squeezed out another full hour of procrastination. Now I won’t be hungover again for a while. This was a special occasion of sorts. Another one of my dreaded “plans.” Fuck’s sake. It was a 2nd meet up of Olivia’s peeps for drinks. It was penciled in after the first hang so that we could include everybody that didn’t make it the first time. Perfectly reasonable idea. And the first time sitting and drinking was so much fun that I sort of figured I was obligated to, pay my dues I suppose, for this second meet-up that sounded significantly less fun. But it was perfectly enjoyable. It had the energy of a hangout that could happen every single week like a sitcom. Very easy, probably more drinking than one could maintain if it were a weekly occurrence, but not too much. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just record keeping, I guess?

Anyways, this morning was not the le morning that I can usually anticipate. So circumstances withstanding PLUS the procrastination ended up pushing the writing well past 3pm. These next 3 days (and the next 8 days after that, holy shit) are also going to mesh quite poorly with this sloppy, laissez-faire approach to getting this done. So I’m worried about it. Look, I want to do this, but I absolutely don’t want to have to worry about it. Is that asking too much? And obviously I can do this without worrying about it, in theory.  But I do not believe in myself, ok? I don’t. I’m telling you that right now. I want to cancel everything and just do this when I fucking get around to it. And, well; here’s the kicker. I didn’t mention this yet, and I probably should have. Once I get back from this GD vacation, my hiatus between jobs will officially be past a full month. I can hear the timer ticking in my head. I am in charge of how much sand I put in this particular hourglass. My mother will fully disagree with me there. I mean, I’m about to spend 8 days with someone who ask me every single day “so have you gotten your new job yet?”

You’re thinking, ‘Max, it’s not just impractical to ask a question with such a clear answer more than once without waiting for any circumstances to change, it flat out does not make any sense at all!’ I agree. We are on the exact same page guy. But you are missing the fact that “it doesn’t hurt to think about it. And maybe you can look online on your phone while you’re here trying to enjoy a vacation.”

Parents are weird. This feeling I’m describing is so relatable to some people. And other people just can’t parse it at all. There are a tiny handful of people in your life that will exist in totality literally forever. I mean one of you will die first, but for that person who died, the other people existed THE ENTIRE TIME. Minus like pre-birth and stuff, but that’s semantics. They are inevitable. They can travel all over the spectrum of human emotion vis-a-vi your relationship, but 99.9% of the grades will result in your staying completely still in your relationship to them. He sucks, but he’s my dad. He’s my dad, he’s fine. He’s my dad, I love him My dad’s the best! These father/son relationships all virtually fill up the exact same liminal space as far as I can tell. The way far ends of the bell curve are where it ever seems to yield different results. My dad is my best friend! One day I will kill my father, and I will finally be free of him. Let’s set those aside for this cross-section (vocab?). Every other relationship ship under the bell curve carries this seeming inevitability to it. These relationships seems like they get “finished” in a way. We know the personality of our parents so completely (and they have stopped changing/growing as people at a certain point), that we don’t actually have to go to them to learn about them. You don’t have to ask them questions or inquire about their opinions, because you can successfully deduce the answer using simple math. But THEN, you have to talk to them still, because they are close to you and want to learn about YOU, because you are still an incomplete puzzle. I don’t know, I just think the part of the parent/child dynamic where you have to share info with a parent even though the conversation has already been “solved;” the formality of it. The chore of it. That’s what it is. It’s chores. We know how chores are going to go, but until you actually do them, there’s this disorder. But instead of a dishwasher it’s a human being, that doesn’t “get” CRT. And if I can’t fucking convince my mother that my 28,000$ in savings will be able to tide me over for more than a week while I actually take a legitimate run at feeling fulfilled in my LIFE, convincing her to dismantle the foundation of our nation’s socio-economic structures in order to save our species from annihilation seems, I don’t know, tough.

Ok, I think I’m done. That took about an hour. I don’t think that’s bad at all. Am I still scared about tomorrow’s blog and therefore the rest of my life as I know it? Yes. Of course.

But at least you’ll be there with me when I get there. Take care bud, eat a good dinner tonight.

Love you

[lizabethstucker]

Some of the Best from Tor.com 2019 Edition

This was a free collection on Amazon at the time that I stumbled across it while browsing science fiction selections.  While I’ve always liked both Tor and Baen publications, I was amazed by how very much I enjoyed almost every short story and novella in this collection. Such high quality, and some authors that have been added to my TBR list.  4.5 out of 5.

CURRENTLY FREE ON AMAZON AS OF THE DATE OF THIS POSTING!

“Deriving Life” by Elizabeth Bear

Marq Tames is contemplating suicide or becoming a Host, unable to cope with being alone again after their spouse dies.  Tenants bring many benefits, including being pain-free, living a bit longer, making better decisions for themselves.  Unfortunately the Tenants ultimately consume their Hosts.  Unlike most potential Hosts, Marq is healthy.  Wow.  A really detailed look at grief, cancer, loneliness, and the choices we might make for happiness.  Intense.  Could be triggering for some who are themselves dealing with grief.  4.5 out of 5.

“For He Can Creep” by Siobhan Carroll

The Great Jeoffry the Cat helps keep the demons away from the humans in the madhouse.  His favorite is the Poet who is trying to finish the most important Poem for God.  If only his creditors would leave him alone, stop pushing for the satiric content he once wrote.  Then Satan himself comes to speak with Jeoffry.  Satan deems the Poem to be out of favor style-wise, and not very good.  He wishes to have the Poet write him a poem, one that will drive religion out of the minds of the masses.  To do that, he needs to speak with the Poet without Jeoffry’s interference.  It is, as they say, a devil’s bargain.  Jeoffry may, for the first time since kittenhood, lose.  He must consider and consult.  The fact that this is based on a real poem written by Christopher Smart, who was incarcerated in St. Luke’s Hospital for Lunatics, circa 1763, adds an extra layer of interest and curiosity to the story.  Needless to say, I spent the evening researching the poet online.  3.5 out of 5.

“Beyond the El” by John Chu

Connor struggles to recreate his late mother's dumplings, never quite reaching that bit of perfection. He really doesn't need the stress of his cold abusive sister back in his life.  Although maybe he does.  Very low key.  The relationship between Nick and Connor was more interesting to me.  As to the use of magic to prepare foods, was it really necessary?  3 out of 5.

“Zeitgeber” by Greg Egan

Sam is searching for why his daughter Emma's sleep patterns are suddenly and radically off phase.  It isn't long until this issue with sleep cycles begin spreading throughout the world.  At first it was just puzzling and annoying.  Now there are more and more accidents and deaths.  Life moves on, people adjusting as best it can, with cures both fake and possible appearing.  

Truly fantastic tale.  Scary as well, especially considering how we are waiting for a cure for COVID-19 with trepidation and distrust of the very organizations, such as the CDC and FDA, that are supposed to protect us.  Add on top the discussion of just how much conformity society demands of us.  4 out of 5.

“One/Zero” by Kathleen Ann Gorrnan

The war made its way to Vida Zilan's home in Kurdistan, ending with her parents, aunt, and grandmother dead.  Now Vida is on the run with her three year old brother, traveling with other terrified and displaced children.  Mai Davidson has retired in Washington D.C. after years of helping with various issues through the agency she had given her life to, until her husband died and she began to look for something different.  Her life is becoming increasingly regulated as the AIs begin taking control of medicine and senior care and transportation, among other things.  Or are the SIs, the rumored super intelligent computers now moving out into the world?  Be careful what you wish for has always been what is said in regards to those who can grant wishes.  Perhaps with the right teachers, the right guides, the SIs can help fix the world for the children, with the assistance of the children.  If only, if only.  Magnificent look at how Hal might not be the villain of the piece.  After all, he just wanted to save both himself and his astronaut charges.  4.5 out of 5. 

“Skinner Box” by Carole Johnstone

A trip to Jupiter and back, scientists caught up in their personal cycle of pain and hatred, an engineer who brings some comfort and support.  And a Skinner box filled with nanites.  There are layers upon layers upon layers in this intense story of experimentation and conditioning, the cost of freedom and, ultimately, love.  In essence, there are three reveals.  The first was expected almost from the start.  The second was almost suspected after we met Boris.  But it was the third that, for me, saved the story from the coldness.  3.5 out of 5.

“The Song” by Erinn L. Kemper

The world is moving from beef to whale meat, expensive as it is, taking abandoned oil rigs and converting them to whale meat processing centers.  As the ecowarriors grow increasingly violent, killing those involved in killing the whales, the people on SeaRanch 18 are stranded without relief personnel.  One of the last new scientists to arrive is Suzanne who is staying the changes in communication patterns among the whales.  She tells Dan, a deep sea diver and welder, of attacks by the whales, how humpbacks and blues were congregating for the first time ever seen and apparently communicating.  Whales and dolphins are so very intelligent, yet humans think they can do whatever they want to them.  I don’t understand.  Needless to say, I was primed for this story.  I thought I was prepared, even hopeful.  But the ending was beyond tragic.  4 out of 5.

“Articulated Restraint” by Mary Robinette Kowal

(Lady Astronaut 1.5)  After an accident leads to a lunar rocket slammed into a space station and the airlock jammed, the moon’s astronauts must figure out how to rescue them before their air runs out.  First, they’ll need a plan of action and see if the plan can work on their mockup rocket.  They need a way to get them more oxygen and a way to get a life raft to the vehicle.  Complicating procedures is Ruby’s nasty ankle sprain, especially after she needs the foot restraint which requires her to twist her feet to get into position.  Something snaps, but she perseveres, unwilling to let her injury prevent the rescue of her friends.  In some ways this reminds me of old time science fiction, a neat adventure with threads of backstories I want to know more about, such as the Meteor and what’s going on back on Earth.  Luckily I discovered that this is part of a series, so there is a possibility of learning more.  Although I have a few other of Kowal’s works in my TBR pile (freebies back in the day), I hadn’t as yet read any of her works.  Definitely want to read more based on what I found here.  4.5 out of 5. 

“Painless” by Rich Larson

Mars is a child when he is first found by the men who have been searching for someone like him, a genetic mutation who cannot feel pain.  There’s an organism put inside his body, that can make him stronger and able to repair himself, even grow body parts back.  He is trained to be a soldier, a mercenary, a killer.  He yearns for freedom and someone to be his friend and family.  The story jumps a bit from present to past and back again. It took me a while to get into the author’s rhythm, but once I did it was well worth it.  I can see so many countries and organizations who would kill to have someone like Mars under their control.  Good read.  3.5 out of 5.

“Seonag and the Seawolves” by M. Evan MacGriogair

Seonag was considered strange almost from the moment she was born, but she still loved her homeland.  So much so that she hides when her parents make plans to sail to Canada, unable to afford the croft rent.  Once they leave her behind, Seonag goes to the town bard for help and advice.  She is told about the wolves that were driven out of Ireland.  He tells her to swim west until she can hear the wolves.  The advice is cruel, certain suicide.  Knowing all that, Seonag still decides to do so.  An old style story, a myth, a fable, a fairy tale.  A story about those who only want to belong, yet are different enough to be pushed to the sidelines.  Mystical and magical.  4 out of 5.

“Any Way the Wind Blows” by Seanan McGuire

The Cartography Corps explore and map the parallel universes in order to determine if any ever go missing at a future date.  In this Manhattan, they find an intact Flatiron building, but no killer pigeons in this universe, so win-win.  Then a group of locals ask to meet the Captain.  This should be a television series!  I’d watch each and every episode and cackle at the crew’s adventures.  The only thing I was disappointed by was the length.  It was too short.  4.5 out of 5.

“Blue Morphos in the Garden” by Lis Mitchell

Vivian does love Dash and Lily, their daughter, but she continues to refuse to marry him, unable to deal with what his family goes through upon death.  If she officially marries into the family, she will become a Karner in all ways.  When it appears that Viv may be dying, she will need to make a decision sooner than she had hoped.  Stay, but remain a terminal.  Marry and, once she dies, become something else.  Leave, with or without Dash and Lily.  There's a beauty to having one's death transform into something useful or beautiful or both.  Frankly, I don't understand Vivian's concerns about that.  4 out of 5.

“His Footsteps, Through Darkness and Light” by Mimi Mondal

Love comes in many forms, some never spoken out loud.  Binu had found a home and a job with the Majestic Oriental Circus.  He became a trapeze master, soon heading his own team.  He also continued playing Alladin in Shehzad Marid’s illusionist act.  He was happy and content.  Until he helped the wrong person.  There is so much hinted at and more left unsaid.  But it will always be known that Binu was a good man and a loyal friend.  Bittersweet, yet in that time and place, perhaps the happiest ending(?) one could hope for.  4 out of 5.

“Old Media” by Annalee Newitz

John was as free as he had ever been under his latest Master, a lady scientist who provided him franchise papers that granted him full rights within the city before she went into hiding.  Med, a fan of John's journal on Memeland, becomes his friend and roommate.  She is also a robot and professor, as well as the lady scientist's research partner in the project that caused the woman to flee.  John and Med try to navigate the idiosyncrasies of living among humans, both clueless and bigoted.  3.5 out of 5.

“More Real Than Him” by Silvia Park

Morgan Ito is working on her own robot, one that resembles her favorite actor who is currently doing his two years of military service.  This is the first story in the collection that I struggled with.  Frankly, it read like bad fanfiction, and I'm a fanfiction reader and writer.  I didn't like any characters except Stephen, but he was barely in the story.  I finally gave up, not caring what would happen to pretty much anyone.  DNF

“The Hundredth House Had No Walls” by Laurie Penny

The King of the country of Myth and Shadow is incredibly bored after five hundred years on the throne.  He does what any ruler does in his situation, he decides to travel incognito to the imaginary land of New York City.  There he runs into the Princess of Everywhere and Nowhere.  

I had a hard time at first dealing with random phrases, words, and letters made bold.  This was a strange story.  Once I got past the random bolds, I quite liked it.  Feminist overtones with a message about freedom and allowing each individual to write their own story.  3.5 out of 5.

“The Touches” by Brenda Peynado

Life is separated into clean and dirty.  Clean was living virtually, locked into a tiny cubicle from birth, cared for by an assigned robot, and hooked up to an all-encompassing system for hours at a time.  Dirty is the real world, filled with plagues and viruses and what the narrator calls filth.  Things get more complicated as robots glitch, an accident puts the narrator into quarantine, and a phone number leads to something scary.  There's a layer of disconnection due to a lack of physical contact that cannot be fulfilled by robot hugs and virtual touches.  Add to that the narrator's extreme fear of the dirty world.  She actually has counted the number of real physical touches in her life.  Very intense, more so during our current Pandemic and the separation of friends and family.  Also extremely weird.  I don't know what to say about this one, but I suspect it will linger in my memory for quite a while.  3.5 out of 5.

“Knowledgeable Creatures” by Christopher Rowe

Investigative dog Connolly Marsh is hired by human Professor Thomasina Swallow after she kills a coworker who was threatening blackmail.  Things become increasingly screwy.  The body is missing, the learned mouse who is also Sparrow's adopted father believes historical research into the history of knowledgeable creatures and humans shouldn't be forbidden, and Marsh can't make himself leave the case alone.  Huh.  Another strange story with a lot of dangling threads left behind and even more questions.  Yet this isn't a set-up for a longer story or even a series.  It is complete within itself, with a somewhat sad ending for one character.  Intriguing, almost a noir type of story.  Fantasy with just a touch of science fiction.  3 out of 5. 

“Blood is Another Word for Hunger” by Rivers Solomon

Anger boiled in the heart of fifteen year old slave, Sully.  When she heard that her master had been killed during a battle, she drugged all five of his family members, slicing their throats.  Her actions cause a rift in the etherworld, drawing Ziza to her.  Sully is a product of her life, the cruelty of her upbringing.  She may also hark back to a creature from the country of her ancestors.  Sully shouldn’t be a sympathetic character, but she is.  I wanted her to find, if not happiness, at least a form of peach.  And maybe she will with her revenants, especially Ziza.  Be aware that this isn’t an easy read by any means, but I found it surprisingly satisfying.  4.5 out of 5.

“The Last Voyage of Shidbladnir” by Karin Tidbeck

Saga learns the ship she serves on is a living creature who is outgrowing her shell of a high-rise building.  Saga and Novik, the engineer, are determined to save Skidbladnir from being sold for meat.  She needs a new shell, so they'll find her a new shell.  This gripped me the moment I realized Skidbladnir was alive.  I'm a sucker for stories like this.  So enchanting.  I wish it had been longer or had a sequel, but that is just me being greedy and not wanting to leave Saga, Novik, and Skidbladnir behind.  Lovely from start to finish.  4.5 out of 5. 

“Circus Girl, the Hunter, and Mirror Boy” by JY Yang

Lynette first saw Mirror Boy the night she was almost killed after fighting off a rapist when she was barely 16 years old.  After she survived, Lynette found a friend to unload her pain, her disappointments, and her dreams to the boy who appeared in place of her own reflection.  Once she left the circus she had grown up in and worked for, Lynette had never seen him again.  Until now.  The boy is worried that a serial killer is after her.  A perfect story for the month of October, with a wraith, a witch, and a supernatural hunter who made assumptions that led to so many innocent deaths.  An ending that, while I guess it might be coming, was also so satisfying.  4 out of 5

“Water:  A History by K. J. Kabza

The surveyors badly judged how compatible the colony of Isla would be for the humans who left Earth on a one-way trip there.  The colonists adjusted, but being outside too long led to cancer deaths during the early years.  Marie, in her 50s, is now the last person who has direct memories of Earth.  She has been extraordinarily lucky in that her frequent trips outside hadn’t led to an early death.  A younger colonist, born on Isla, longs to go outside as well.  She wants to smell the planet’s dirt and feel the breeze on her face.  Lian finds a friend and support in Marie.  But no one can expect the good times will last forever.  Deeply emotional and tragic, yet somewhat hopeful as well.  Yet the story needed more depth, more content.  Good, but not as good as many of the others in this collection, in my opinion.  3 out of 5.

“As the Last I May Know” by S. L. Huang

Nyma was just ten years old when she was selected to be the Carrier.  In order to impress the consequences of using seres on another country, the Order choses to hide the codes in the body of a child.  To obtain access, the President must personally kill the child Carrier and rip her heart open.  AS the enemy forces draw ever deeper into the country, Nyma waits.  Oh, this one was gut-wrenching.  Seriously gut-wrenching.  And yet, the logic behind the Order's idea was extremely logical.  Force the President to basically live with the child he must kill to get access to the seres that will kill millions, make it real.  And Otto Han is disgusted by the Order, but it is what it is.  Again, the idea makes sense, but that doesn't mean that it isn't horrifying.  Not to mention torturous for the child who must live with the idea that they can be killed at almost anytime in order to kill millions of other people.  4.5 out of 5.    

“The Time Invariance of Snow” by E. Lily Yu

When the Devil's mirror splinters, it enters the hearts and minds of mankind, spreading hate and violence despair and depression.  G and K are in love, but G is wary of the violence of men.  When K makes a comment on how he would kill her, she protests his cruelty.  He leaves.  Despite knowing how the story will end, G goes on a quest to save him from the Snow Queen.  

A subversion of fairy tales and a treatise on both them and the treatment of women.  I have to admit that I was annoyed by the use of footnotes in this fictional short story.  I barely tolerate them in non-fiction books.  That said, as I struggled on, once G and K came onto the scene it became an easier read.  I think I would've enjoyed this more if it had been expanded.  My least favorite in the collection, but still worth reading.  3 out of 5.