#also i failed my physics exam so i only have one chance left or else i get exmatrivulated which is so stupid like ive wrote way worse exams

[tomfordjasminrogue]

coming home after a trip always feels like a different life

[fayes-fics]

Kinktober Drabble #3: Role Play

Kinktober Masterlist

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader (Modern AU)

Warnings: 18+ smut, minors DNI, professor/student role play, oral sex (f to m), vaginal sex.

Authors Note: Unbetaed. Err this one got away from me a bit in terms of word count. Yes I know these quiz questions are not university course level, it's just a married couple role-playing together ;) Although I now might need a Professor AU Benedict lol. Also sorry but this picture is the closest I could get to modern professor Benedict, with the elbow patches etc.

“What happened to your homework?” He peers over his glasses at you as you sit a little back from his desk in a plastic seat. 

“I’m so sorry, Professor Bridgerton, my dog ate it,” you simper, tugging at the tiny kilt you are wearing, bringing attention to the flash of thigh where your pull-ups end.

“That is quite possibly the worst excuse I have ever heard,” he raises an eyebrow. “I’m sorry y/n, but I will have to fail you unless you can turn in this assignment before midnight.”

You glance at the clock. “But, Professor, it’s 9 pm; I have no chance to turn it in by then. Is there nothing else I can do to pass your class, sir?” you emphasise the last word, then bite your lip and play with the top button on your tight white shirt.

His eyes flash at you before schooling his expression. He clears his throat, removes his glasses and nervously shuffles some papers on his desk. Oh, he is playing the part so well.

“I could give you a quiz right now? I will allow you to pass if you answer all the questions correctly.”

“Oh yes, please, thank you,” you enthuse.

He stands and rounds the large wooden desk and perches against it right in front of you, crossing his arms and his legs at the ankles.

“Question 1. Who wrote ‘A thing of beauty is a joy forever’?”

“John Keats,” you respond instantly and are surprised when he peels off his tweed jacket with the elbow patches.

“Well done,” he compliments. “Question 2. Which famous poet and playwright was born in Ireland in 1854 and died in Paris in 1900?”

You swallow and glance at him, communicating silently that you don’t know. Oscar Wilde, he mouths at you with a smirk, breaking character briefly.

“Oscar Wilde,” you reply quickly, then in gratitude, you uncross your legs to show your complete lack of underwear.

It’s his turn to swallow heavy, and he stumbles over his “Correct.” Then he removes his crumpled shirt to reveal the toned lithe body you know so well. It feels like the temperature in the room has notched up a few degrees.

“Professor, why are you taking off your clothes?” You play as if you're nervous.

“There is also a practical exam at the end of your quiz, y/n,” is his reply. “If you perform to my satisfaction, I will give you an A.” 

You feel yourself flood at his words. Oh, god, yes.

“Question 3. Whose magnum opus is titled Don Juan? And is very overrated, I might add.”

It’s your turn to smirk; there’s one poet Benedict really doesn’t care for. “Lord Byron.”

“Excellent,” with that, he reaches down and rather disappointingly only removes his brown leather brogues.

“Should I be preparing myself for the physical exam as well, professor?” You tease wide-eyed, popping open a button over your breasts.

“Not necessary, y/n,” he breezes, still leaning down, removing his socks. “I can already see you are well prepared for what I need of you,” his eyes linger on the wet glaze between your legs very intentionally. 

Oh fuck, Benedict.

He straightens back up. “Question 4.  Edward Rochester is…”

“Jane Eyre,” you interrupt hurriedly; he knows it’s one of your favourites.

“That may have been too easy,” he chuckles, then pushes off the desk to stand, and with a heated look, he unbuckles his belt and allows the loose corduroys to drop to the floor.

“Professor…” you sigh fervently, taking in the sight before you, touching yourself unconsciously. All that is left now is his small black boxer briefs. Definitely Benedict’s, not his character’s; they are filled with a rigid cock you are desperate to touch.

“Y/n,” his voice is silky, “look at my face, please, not my body.”

“Yes, Professor,” your answer is coy, biting your lip and gyrating your hips against your seat, seeking friction against your swollen clit as you peer up at his face. His molten stare burns into you.

“Final question, if you get this correct, you will not fail,” he reminds. “Name the author, play and character from this line ‘For which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me?’” His crooked smile catches your heart. It’s your favourite play.

You lean forward and grab his hips which he does not stop or protest.

“William Shakespeare,” you begin as you sink from the chair to kneel right in front of him.

“Much Ado About Nothing,” you continue and pull his underpants down yourself.

“BeneDICK,” you answer pointedly, wrap your lips around his cock, and suck him deep into your mouth as he groans loudly and grabs your hair in their bunches.

“God, yes. You pass,” he growls.

“Thank you, Professor Bridgerton,” you mumble around his cock, letting him rock deeper as he directs your head, wrapping your hair around his hands. Revelling in his taste, this moment. This role-play was a bloody genius idea.

“Now I have passed; how do I get my A, please, Professor?” you ask flirtatiously, looking up at him as you pull back to tease him gently.

“Lay over my desk. Right now.”

You spring to your feet and pointedly turn around, flip up the back of your mini kilt, rub your butt cheeks against his cock, and lower your top half over his desk. 

“Like this, Professor?” you inquire, looking back over your shoulder at him coquettishly. 

“Yes,” he hisses, one large hand grabbing the crest of your hipbone as he lines up and sinks into you. You both moan loudly as you adjust to the sensation. He always feels so wonderful lodged deep inside.

“Don't be gentle,” you murmur as he crowds over your back.

“Okay, darling,” he whispers, placing his wedding ring over yours as he laces your fingers together on the desk, the hand on your hip slipping between your thighs as he pulls back and surges into you again.

He proceeds to fuck you so hard that you have marks on your hips; he kisses them better every night until they fade.

Benedict taglist: @makaylan @foreverlonginguniverse @iboopedyournose @wysteria-clad @colettebronte @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @margofiore @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Replying to this in a new post because this AU post is already super long:

Yeah I was thinking that! Maybe the word you're after is 'metaphor'? Not sure but I do get you!

Roxy being stuck in a school that expects a bare minimum that she physically can't reach is absolutely a kind of 'disability in a school setting' situation.

What I was thinking for the world was that magic and non-magic IS a fully integrated and combined thing, but some schools are primarily for magic while others are primarily for non-magic. Roxy in this case, lives in an area where magic is the norm. The only schools nearby are magic based and this one in particular was the only one that would accept her as a non-magic user.

This situation gives her a hell of a lot of resentment because she's now on a purely magic based education path, when she absolutely shouldn't be, and making the switch to a non-magic path is going to be a lot harder the longer she's at the school. If she's ever going to be able to be in a non-magic school, she's going to have to work so much harder to catch up on everything she's missed, like if you change your study course halfway through the school year. Or like in my English Lit class that was the only one in the school studying war poems and Macbeth, so anyone that got moved to that class had to learn it very quick (though our teacher was decent and put time aside to help them continue studying the Romeo and Juliet stuff instead) and all those that were moved out of the class had to drop Macbeth and learn Romeo and Juliet. They also had no choice, your clas was decided on your ability so uh yeah that was poorly thought out.

It's like that for Roxy now, except on a larger scale and she's unable to switch paths unless they move house to somewhere that has the proper school for it. And she's rightfully angry about the fact she's being held to a standard she can't meet. She gets minimal support for this problem, despite the school boasting about its support programs, and is largely left to slip through the cracks.

She has to navigate a world designed for her to fail and she doesn't know how to do that. She tries finding ways to give herself the same abilities as everyone else, like trying to cure the problem but she can't. It's just not possible. She doesn't want exceptions being made because they single her out further. Extra time and someone there to explain things to her does not make a practical exam for casting spells any easier. It feels condescending, like they've decided because she doesn't have magic, she must be stupid or that she's just not trying hard enough.

Roxy's got her anger issues too and it's no wonder. She can come up with solutions, and work arounds, but she's still considered incorrect. She's not given time or opportunity to come up with solutions either, and is just expected to solve the problems over night. She can push for non-magical sports clubs so she has a chance to excel at something but magic is more important than her. She's the only one that can't use magic after all, so they have to prioritise the needs of the many over the needs of the few, right? Look, she may not have magic, but if everyone else can manage, then so can she! Simple as! I mean, that famous person without magic did it, so why can't she?

And then I thought, this would exclude other people too. It never just effects one person, even if that's the intention. What about the ones that struggle with magic? The ones that are slow at understanding it? The ones that find it exhausting but still have to rely on it? The ones that are being locked out of the things they want to do, just because they have magic and that's a non-magic interest? The ones that could be great at one type of magic, but struggle in another and are thus, penalised for it? Fuck it, what about those with non-magic issues that can't be solved with the one size fits all magic/non-magic solutions? What about the people that just plain suck at magic stuff or don't want to pursue it? What about the attitude that whatever you're doing would be easier with magic, so why don't you just use magic? Why would you want to do it any other way? Why would you question something that is clearly, objectively, the correct way to do it? Everyone struggles from time to time you'll get there!

What about all these other people that slip through the cracks? Roxy thought she was the only one labelled as a failure and being dropped by the system, but through her efforts, she can find that she's not the only one. There's plenty of other kids that are also struggling with this system, she's not as alone as she thought she was. She may try and push it all away because struggling to do something is not the same as being completely unable to even try and do something, but ultimately, they're in the same system designed for them to be miserable.

Maybe they have workarounds that she hasn't thought of yet? Maybe her own workarounds give them ideas on how to do it too? Learning through eachother that it's okay to not be the perfect student and that the system doesn't define you, and maybe that if they cause enough of a ruckus, they can change it just a little bit in their favour? Or maybe it's a case of Roxy's efforts to change what she is, and then her efforts to make a space for her to fit in that draws the others to her? Maybe it's a case of her not realising that she's somehow managed to surround herself with people that are also being destroyed by the powers that be? The realisation could hit and she could get a whole new flavour of anger on their behalf but also feel so fucking relieved that she's not on her own here...

And maybe the others don't realise it either? Maybe a few of them keep comparing themselves to Roxy and feeling like they don't have it that bad so they're clearly just not trying hard enough? Maybe they think Roxy is just a trouble maker and doesn't care until they discover that, no, she's been tearing herself apart to try and cure the incurable because to her, that was her only option? They see parts of their struggles in Roxy and they want to talk about them too but don't know how, since clearly they have nothing in common... The similar stuff must just be overlap or something with the normal, everyday experience, right?

I don't know how they could decide to try and do something about the situation. Maybe Roxy finally cracks and starts talking to her parents or a guest speaker comes in and talks about how to make changes in the world? Maybe her latest attempt to give herself magic goes horribly wrong and she's left screaming in desperation until someone finally listens? All those people she didn't realise were friends running in to help her when it all starts crushing her like a bug under a boot?

I dunno. There's some good story to be had here though for sure

[tsvkishma]

you wanna kiss me so bad, huh?

series: my hero academia / boku no hero academia

pairings: katsuki bakugo x reader

length: 5k words

warnings: swearing, mentions of making out (w/ a minor), breach of privacy??

tags: secret relationship, enemies to lovers, high school AU, reader-insert

summary: the mutual agreement between you and your bf to keep your relationship on the DL is about to be ruined when he makes the stupid mistake to leave his phone on the table for the whole class to see

author’s note: i’m so sorry! i really tried to make it gender neutral, but it was female leaning... i apologize! i’m still pretty new to writing dis homie so please be lenient when it comes to character accuracy lol. i also apologize for the messy, unstructured writing. also thank u to bae @izvkos for proofreading!

Just as you were getting ready to doze off, the school bell rang, startling you and making you jerk up from your comfortable position on the desk with your head in your arms. Some of your classmates got up to stretch, since it was the break time between classes. Unfortunately, it had only been the end of third period and you had a long school day to go through. You let out a low groan of disappointment. I guess I’ll have to keep myself awake just a little bit longer.

To be honest, you didn’t mean to stay up all night... it was just that you couldn’t help binge-watching your favorite show last night. You convinced yourself that you were only going to watch one episode before you went to sleep... then one lead to two... then three... and then before you knew it, the birds started chirping. But, hey! It wasn’t your fault that it was so addicting!

“Oi.”

You look up to see Bakugo peering over you with his hands in his pockets and a smirk on his face, “Tch, you don’t look so good today. Didn’t get enough sleep? How are you gonna be a pro hero with those bad habits of yours?”

You scoffed, “Oh, fuck off. Sorry I don’t go to sleep at 8 every night… grandpa.”

“Yeah, yeah. Make fun of me all you want, but who’s gonna be laughing when you fail your exams next week. I see you dozing off in class, you act like Aizawa-sensei doesn’t even notice,” Bakugo grunts.

You coo, “Awe, is blasty-boy watching me during class? I didn’t know you were this deeply in love with me! So cute.”

His face went red for a moment before his usual angry expression returned, “I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU DAMMIT! I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR STUPID CRAP LIKE THAT!”

“Y/n! Stop teasing Bakugo like that! You know he can’t handle it...” Mina chimed in, joining the fun.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T HANDLE IT?! ” screamed Bakugo.

“Quiet down back there.,” threatened Cementoss as he entered the class to prepare his next lesson.

You and Mina were just laughing at your classmate screaming his head off, it was always an amusing sight if anything. Even though Bakugo denies having a crush on you, it wasn’t true. And you knew that. He had a fat crush on you, but it was more than that! He was your boyfriend.

You guys had kept your relationship on the down-low for about a month now, your relationship only became official about a week ago, but you guys had been going on dates prior. Bakugo wanted to keep your relationship a secret, you know, to protect his ego or whatever since there has always been a rivalry between the two of you and everyone in Class 1-A was painfully aware of it. He was too proud to let anyone know that he fell for someone he once vouched as his enemy.

-

There was always constant bickering between the two of you. Whether it be something minute or something that you would argue over for a couple of days. It’s not like the arguments were unintentional because they were started just to spite the other. Bickering would start about each other’s fighting technique in battle or even accusing the other of stealing their food from the shared fridge in the dorms.

The rest of your class was so sick and tired of the ongoing feud so one day, they set out a plan (led by Kaminari and Kirishima) to lock you two in a room just to sort out your differences. They set a date where they would trick you two into thinking that there was a class activity that everyone had to attend, but it would just be you two to show up and you would smash the beef between you two, and BOOM! Problem solved.

Just as the day came for the plan, something was weirdly off about you two. The morning of, you two both came into class at the same time and it was dead silent between you two. No bickering, no petty comments, and no evil stares. As more and more people were arriving, they would immediately notice the weird tension in the air. It was strangely quiet, not just because you and Bakugo were silent, but because everyone else was too. The thought of you guys not constantly at each other’s necks that morning sort of put off the rest of the class. It felt weird to talk over the dead silence when they were so used to your guys’ voices as ambiance while they were in conversation.

As the day went on, nothing changed and you guys were still silent and ignoring each other. Obviously, everyone was suspicious about what exactly happened between you two to make you ignore one another. There was no way that you guys were angry at each other because when you were, both of you made it clear by arguing and yelling loudly.

However, before anyone had the chance to ask why you guys were so quiet,  Bakugo decided to approach you for the first time between class periods. At this point, the class was back to normal and having regular conversations with one another during break time, but all of their eyes were on you two, and their voices hushed to pay attention to the tense interaction shared between you two.

“Oi. Let’s talk,” said Bakugo bluntly.

You looked up at his crimson red eyes for a second before looking away as if his presence wasn’t even there. At this point, you didn’t know what to say to him, yet. This fired up Bakugo because within a second he started yelling again.

“HEY DUMBASS! YOU DON’T GET TO IGNORE ME LIKE THAT!” he screamed.

You turned to meet his glare annoyed, “Oh, shut the fuck up. I don’t owe you shit. Leave me alone.”

He tested, “The fuck did you say to me, idiot?!”

“Fuck off, dipshit, all you ever wanna do is yell! And might I add- you do it loudly. Are you such a fucking grandpa that you can’t even hear yourself speak? Can you ever jjust shut. the. fuck. UP!” you yelled back.

The arguing continued and the rest of Class 1-A continued with their previous conversations after seeing you guys back to normal. The tension between you guys soon left their minds as they continued with the rest of their day. Unbeknownst to them, the night before you two were arguing like usual in the kitchen area of the dorms before Bakugo made his first move on you.

-

The argument started with you getting angry at Bakugo for making a mess on the counter after spilling some of his water. It was late at night and no one else was around and you two happened to wake up around the same time to get a drink of water.

“You idiot, clean up your fucking mess. You spilled it all over the counter,” you said as you gestured to the spilled water.

“Tch. I didn’t spill shit. If it bothers you so much, why don’t you go clean it up yourself?” he groaned as he leaned against the counter.

Appalled, you grabbed the roll of paper towels and threw it at his head. He was caught off guard as the roll of paper hit his forehead. It fell and rolled out onto the floor. Now, he was truly annoyed.

“Fuck was that for, huh?!” he said staring at you, smoke practically coming out of his ears.

You laughed, “Just giving you a hand since it seemed like you were too fucking lazy to grab the paper towels yourself. Seems like the grandpa’s getting too old to do stuff for himself, boohoo.”

He growled, rage evident in his face. You laughed to yourself looking away from his face. The next thing you knew, he grabbed you by the shoulders and pushed you against the fridge behind you. You were pinned by his big, rough hands and he was closer to your face than usual, yet still enraged.

You tried to wiggle out of his grip, but it was useless, “Let go of me, idiot! You need to learn how to take a fucking joke.”

He didn’t respond, but he kept his eyes on your face. You tried moving away, but now his grip on your shoulders tightened, making your breath hitch.

“What the fuck is your problem? You want me to say sorry or something? Did the paper towel knock the fucking sense out of you? Let me go!” you argued.

“What happened to all your fucking hero training? Can’t get out of my grip, huh? How pathetic,” he growled in a low tone.

You felt his eyes piercing into your own and it was making you a little bit uncomfortable. He’s never been physical with you, even with the constant bickering between you guys. This was a side of him you’ve never seen.

You started, “Look, did I hurt your feelings or something? Did I hit you really hard on the head? There’s no point in holding me against the fridge. Plus, the handle is kind of hurting my back-”

“Shut up,” he stated plainly.

He looked away, avoiding eye contact with you. Okay.... suspicious much...

You tried moving once again, then he pulled you up from the fridge only to slam you back against it, but this time harder.

“Why can’t you just fucking stay still?!” he started yelling.

“Ow! Because you’re being a fucking weirdo! There’s something fucking wrong with you, it’s starting to creep me out! What the fuck are your intentions anyway, huh?!” you argued back.

His calmness fading, he yelled back, “SHUT THE FUCK UP! ALL YOU EVER DO IS GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES LIKE YOU KNOW EVERY FUCKING THING IN THE WORLD!”

His face was inching closer and closer to your face with each word pouring from his mouth. You smirked at this.

You laughed, teasing, “Oh, you wanna kiss me so bad, huh?”

He immediately froze after hearing that sentence spill from your mouth and avoided eye contact yet again. Oddly enough, he returned to his calmer self... If you didn’t know any better, it was obvious that that sentence held some truth with him.

“Look just-”

Before you could finish your sentence, his lips crashed onto yours. Your eyes shot wide open at the shock of the situation. Bakugo Katsuki fucking kissed you... Bakugo Katsuki. The Bakugo Katsuki who always argued with you. The Bakugo Katsuki who always got on your nerves. THAT Bakugo Katsuki.

Taking you away from your thoughts, he pulled away from the kiss. He examined your face for your reaction, but you were frozen in place with your eyes shot wide open. You didn’t know what to do, as if you were a computer and you were going through some code that you weren’t programmed to handle. He looked away and scoffed at himself, mumbling.

“Of course, she didn’t fucking like that, idiot...” he mumbled.

His grip on you loosened and his hands were brought to his side and he couldn’t bear to look at you in the face again. Breaking from your frozen state, you focused your eyes on him. He pulled his face away from your point of view and was scratching his neck in embarrassment and you could notice the light blush spread on his cheeks. You felt a little tug on your heart that you’ve never felt before when looking at him. At that moment, he was just so freaking cute.

Mentally telling yourself that you’re gonna regret this later, you grabbed his face in your hands and pulled him closer to you again. Your lips locked with his and you closed your eyes to bask in the moment. Only this time, Bakugo’s eyes were shot wide open, but only for a second. Relief soon spread across his face and his eyes rested on your waist, pulling you closer.

Both of you guys wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever, the rivalry between you two completely non-existent. As all good things must come to an end, you pulled away from him and your eyes made contact for a second before you both looked away, blushing. Realization soon hit you and you didn’t know what to do next.

“I-”

“Uh-”

You guys stuttered at the same time, making eye contact for a second before looking away. The atmosphere between the two of you was confusing. Before you could think of another thing to say, he spoke up first.

“Good night,” he said.

He walked away swiftly and turned the corner to the hallway towards his dorm. You stood for a few seconds not knowing what to think. You released the breath that you didn’t realize you were holding in and proceeded to walk towards your dorm room. Leaving the kitchen a bit of a mess for the night.

The next day it was Kaminari who was blamed for leaving the paper towel on the floor and some spilled water on the counter. Poor boy.

-

Now, the relationship that you had with ‘blasty-boy’ would probably seem complicated and confusing in the eyes of others, but you two were pretty content with where you guys were at. There was an unspoken agreement that you would keep your relationship under wraps. You knew how Bakugo always tried to upkeep his ego of being the best. You’ve always assumed that he didn’t want anyone to know he had a soft spot for you. And you didn’t necessarily mind not sharing your relationship out in the open, anyway. I mean, you guys only just made your relationship official, but it was a little hard to keep your mouth shut when you desperately wanted to gush about him with the other girls of Class 1-A.

Although, you guys have managed to maintain the rivalry between you guys in front of the others. It’s not like you guys were faking it, though. Only now, you guys saw it as fun, meaningless banter and meant nothing by it. The few times that you’ve got to spend with Bakugo alone were completely different from when you would be with him as a group. 

On one of your more recent dates, he invited you to watch a movie in his dorm room and he was so adamant about keeping you close to him throughout the movie. At one point in the night, you tried to get up to use the restroom real quick and his arm around your waist pulled you back down, making you fall onto his lap and you stared up at him. He ignored you and stared at the laptop screen.

“Uh... I need to go pee. Let me go, please?” you smiled up at him.

He gave you a glance and reverted his stare to the screen again, “No.”

“What do you mean no? I drank so much water because the popcorn was too salty... come on. You want me to pee on you or something?” you joked.

He laughed, “So, what if I do?”

You sat up and his gaze finally met yours and his signature smirk was plastered on his face.

You grabbed one of his pillows and hit him with it, “Ew, you’re so fucking gross! I’m going.”

He laughed and finally allowed you to leave, but rest assured, he snuggled up with you when you came back.

-

Right now, you were hanging with the rest of your class in the common room. On Fridays, you guys all agreed to a movie night after a long week of classes. You were sitting with the rest of the girls, settled between Momo and Mina. The movie hasn’t started yet since everyone was starting to get comfortable and settled in. A few of your classmates were grabbing popcorn and other snacks in the kitchen while the rest of you guys were just chatting. Somehow, the conversation between the girls evolved into talking about relationships.

“Oh my god! There was this really cute guy that I accidentally bumped into at lunch and apparently he’s a third-year! I hope I bump into him again, he was seriously cute,” gushed Mina.

“That’s so cute, Mina! I wish I had, like, ANY romantic interactions. My life’s so boring...” groaned Ochaco.

“Same,” said Hagakure.

The rest of the girls sort of nodded in agreement, but you just sat there sipping your juice pouch loudly.

“Y/n? You’re awfully quiet,” teased Tsu as she nudged you with her elbow.

“Well, I mean-”

“What are you ladies talking about over here, huh?” said Denki as he and the other boys inched closer to the girls to join their conversation.

Momo spoke up, “Seems like Y/n over here has a crush!” 

You covered your face in embarrassment, “No I do not! It’s... uh... look we’re just... talking?”

Kirishima teased, “Awe so who’s the lucky individual?”

“Yeah, I wanna know who captured our Y/n’s heart,” laughed Sero.

“It’s no one...” you said after trying to recover after digging yourself in a deeper hole.

“Hey, Bakugo. How do you feel about Y/n’s new crush, huh? Maybe your love for her isn’t reciprocated after all...” started Kaminari before Bakugo stood from his seat on the couch and grabbed his shirt to intimidate him.

He growled, “I don’t have a crush on Y/n. How many times do I have to tell you idiots that?!”

“You’re just jealous that Y/n’s significant other is probably hotter than you!” laughed Mina.

Visibly annoyed at the situation, Bakugo walks away rolling his eyes and mumbling, “Tch. Can’t believe I go to school with a bunch of idiots...”

“Awe, can’t take it anymore? Your love for me is so strong that it pains you to listen to this conversation, huh, Bakugo?” you teased.

“Shut up. I’m going to the bathroom,” he said plainly.

The rest of your classmates on the couch got a laugh in before the topic of your potential significant other died down into smaller topics within different people. Those who were in the kitchen preparing the snacks for everyone finally came back and everyone was finding their seats around the TV and your boyfriend had yet to come back.

You pulled out your phone to text him and right as you did, Iida turned off the lights.

“Yo, Y/n. Turn off your phone it’s too bright and the movie’s about to start,” nudged Mina.

You apologized, “Sorry. I’ll turn it off in a minute I just need to text someone.”

You pulled up your boyfriend’s text log and typed in a message for him:

yo blasty boy why arent u back from the bathroom the movies starting

...also i saved u a seat next to me so we can cuddle (lowkey of course hehe)

After sending those two messages, you put away your phone in your pocket. Everyone was concentrated on the movie and you set your attention on the TV screen until...

PING PING

A phone on the coffee table lit up brightly while making two loud notification pings. Everyone lost focus on the movie and looked over at the phone on the table. No doubt that it was your grandpa of a boyfriend’s phone pinging. Before you could do something, Kirishima grabbed it.

“Who the hell didn’t turn off their ringer? And why is it so damn loud..” laughed Sero.

Kirishima’s eyes scanned his phone for a quick second before his eyes widened and he covered his mouth in surprise.

“Holy shit! Bakugo has a girlfriend!” yelled Kirishima.

You couldn’t help but cover your face in your blanket... Bakugo was about to be so mad at you. Your secret would be out and honestly, you were glad, but you know that your boyfriend didn’t want anyone to find out anytime soon. At least, not like this.

Everyone turned to Kirishima, suddenly losing interest in the movie playing in front of them.

“Oh my god, you’re joking!” squealed Yaoyorozu.

Ojiro claimed, “There’s no way that Bakugo has a girlfriend. Not that hothead.”

“Bro, I’m not joking! And guess what... it’s someone in this room!” exclaimed Kirishima.

Everyone starts looking around the class, silently accusing their classmates of being the culprit.

“Look what they said: ‘also i saved u a seat next to me so we can cuddle‘! Someone better start speaking upppppp!” said Kaminari teasingly as he got the phone from the red-haired boy.

“So, who is it?” grinned Ochako.

Sero peeked at the phone in Kirishima’s hands, “There’s no name, it just says ‘dumbass’. That’s so like Bakugo.”

You sighed in relief. You didn’t know that Bakugo didn’t have your contact as your actual name. 

“G-guys! I don’t think Kacchan would want us to go through his phone...” protested Midoriya.

“Midoriya is right! This is not respectful behavior, we should respect our classmate’s privacy,” Iida said matter-of-factly.

Kaminari replied, “Aw, come on you guys are no fun! It’s harmless, anyway! If it really is someone in our class, we were bound to find out! It’s inevitable!”

You grab the phone from him and said, “Wow, Kaminari, I didn’t know you had the vocabulary capacity for the word inevitable! Now, let me see this...”

Lo and behold, your messages were shown on the screen under the name ‘dumbass’. You tried to analyze the situation and how you could use this small sliver of anonymity to your advantage. You concluded that just trying to play off the situation would be the best thing to do-

“Woah, woah, woah. What’s that as Bakugo’s wallpaper?” said Mina as she slowly grabbed the phone from your hands.

Right then, a horror scene played out right in front of your eyes. As everyone was standing crowded around the phone (whether they agreed with peering through your boyfriend’s phone or not), they were looking at the brightly-lit device in the pink girl’s hands and she deleted the notifications to show his very-telling wallpaper… you could say there was a slight miscalculation in your plan as you failed to notice earlier that his wallpaper was the two of you... making out.

You couldn’t bear to look at what was on his phone as everyone let out their gasps. It was too embarrassing, everyone seeing such an intimate moment on your boyfriend’s phone. Bakugo had taken that picture on a whim one night when you two were having one of your movie nights. When he did that, you were shocked because there was no way that Bakugo took pictures of himself ever. Honestly, you were shocked to see that he knew how to take a selfie. Nonetheless, you peeked through your fingers at the phone in Mina’s hand just for a bit.

To your surprise, he set the wallpaper to LIVE MODE. Live mode...... Everyone was watching you guys make out in action like it was a fucking movie.

That motherfucker...

The silence of realization was then disrupted as the girls let out their squeals and the whole class was causing a commotion while the boys high-fived each other as if they won a competition or something. Everyone was up and moving, a strong contrast from them mere minutes ago when they were lounging around on the couch and floor. Sero was shaking your shoulders as you covered your face in your hands. Your face was heating up from all the embarrassment and you couldn’t bear to look at any of your classmates after what they just witnessed.

You didn’t know what to think. Half of you were completely embarrassed that your friends just saw you in an embarrassing scenario and half of you were angry at Bakugo because this was all his fault! Who the fuck puts such an intimate moment as their wallpaper?! Why not something cute? And of course, it had to be a live photo…

You finally peered through your hands again to see the scene in front of you. Mina was laughing so hard on the couch that she was on the verge of tears.

“I CAN’T BREATHE! NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I EVER EXPECT THIS SHIT!” she cried.

Most of the boys were still jumping up and down like some monkeys due to the sheer excitement and energy in the room. Uraraka walked up to you and smiled widely while placing her hands firmly on your shoulders.

“Wow! Who would’ve thought that you and Bakugo were a thing! I honestly didn’t see that coming… sorry that we all had to find out that way. I was a little too absorbed in the excitement to consider how you felt,” said the round-faced girl.

With your face still red, you said, “Don’t worry about it… it was bound to happen soon enough, right? Although, now I’m a little embarrassed, but I guess I’m kind of relieved that I don’t have to put much effort into hiding our relationship anymore.”

Yaoyorozu chimed in, “Honestly, this is more entertaining than the movie we were just watching!”

You laughed along with the other girls who were nearby. On the other side of the room, the boys were making a train throughout the room and singing.

“Uh, y/n,” interrupted Asui, “Look.”

The man-of-the-hour walked in the room with his hands in his pockets with his usual grumpy expression. He stopped to examine the room and stared quietly at the energetic group of boys.

He scoffed, “What are you nerds doing? Why aren’t you guys watching the fucking movie, huh?”

He looked around the room until his eyes met yours and you quickly looked away, which caught his attention. Your mind was racing a mile a minute trying to think of an excuse. Your gaze averted to the ground, but you could hear his footsteps heading your way.

“Since when did your socks suddenly get so interesting that you can’t look me in the eyes?” teased Bakugo.

He brought his hand up to your chin and lifted your face to meet his gaze. His playful smirk instantly dropped once he saw your expression. Your eyes were borderline teary and seemed lost, like a sad puppy.

He whispered so that only you could hear, “Baby… what’s up?”

You wanted to give in to his touch at that very moment and run into his arms, but you resisted because you knew that it would be too selfish given how you just broke your guys’ agreement. You didn’t deserve to be in his embrace right now, he was seconds away from finding out that your guys’ secret came out accidentally all because you sent a random text. You pulled your face away from his grip and moved away from him.

“W-wait, what-” he started.

“HEYYYYYYYYYYY, BAKUBRO!” said Kaminari and he wrapped an arm around him (much to Bakugo’s dismay), “How come you didn’t tell your buddies that you had a soft side to you, huh?”

Bakugo grunted, “What the fuck are you going on about?”

Kirishima chimed, “You know, you shouldn’t leave your phone out in the open like that… it makes you vulnerable!”

Still confused he said, ”Did worms get in your brains? We’ve been only one day off from school and you start lacking common sense?”

To his surprise, you walk up with his phone in your hand while keeping eye contact, unlike earlier.

“Sherlock, I thought you would’ve connected the dots by now,” you sighed, with a tinge of sadness behind it, “Your wallpaper… really?”

You hold up the phone up to his face and his reaction was almost humorous to you. His eyes widened and his face was painted with a light tint of pink.

For the first time in your life, you witnessed your boyfriend at a loss for words. The rest of your class watched the whole interaction and some restrained laughs were let out and they were all back to square one, laughing like maniacs. You were about to join in and laugh with them when you realized again what the situation at hand was. You were scared of how Bakugo would react since this would be the first rift in your relationship and you didn’t want to have a genuine argument with him, especially with how angry he could get. Suddenly, you felt a pair of hands grasp yours and you look up to see your boyfriend smiling at you.

“I-”

Before you could say a single word, he hauls you on his shoulder, and you yelp in surprise. You don’t know how you ended up in this position, but now you’re dangling off of him and now you’re staring at the ground. (Also, his face was dangerously close to your ass, but you didn’t mention it.) He starts walking away and away from the commotion towards his dorm room. Before you can protest, he leans his head on your body causing you to freeze up. You could feel his warmth from his body heat against your shirt.

“You know… I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you,” he says quietly.

Your brain took time to process that sentence… was Bakugo actually not mad? Most importantly, who knew such sweet words could come out of his mouth? You couldn’t help but breathe out a sigh of relief and you relaxed a bit.

Wanting to tease him, you said, “Sorry, you were too quiet. Could you repeat that again?”

He groaned, “I said… I’m not mad at you, I could never be.”

You giggled, “I know. I heard you the first time, but I thought my ears were deceiving me… Katsuki Bakugo is saying something nice for once? Whatttt…”

He shook you a little, “Forget it. You didn’t hear anything.”

Raising yourself a little, you patted your boyfriend on the head, “Nope. Remembering that phrase forever and ever.”

“Whatever.”

You smiled, “Whatever!”

[misamccn]

linked - killua zoldyck. 

pairing: killua zoldyck x female reader

chapter word count: 2182

content warnings: violence, blood, child abuse, trauma, anxiety, death, abusive parents. 

summary: soulmate au - seventeen year-old (y/n) has never been free. after 9 years of being locked away with her father who uses her for her nen ability, (y/n) escapes and is on the run. she has big plans to become a hunter and see the world...until she meets her soulmate killua and his friends after discovering that her father is after her and wants to take her back. will she escape her father with the help of killua, gon, and alluka? will she bond with killua, or will they sever their link? 

:: prologue - running to the starting line

You craved control.

For all of your life, you never got to experience any kind of control, except when you were a little girl. Your mom would let you choose things for yourself. Like when you wanted to train, what you wanted to eat, and who you wanted to play with. But one day, she dropped you off to your father's house and she was gone. Murdered in cold blood that same night. Your light, happiness, and control died with her that day too. Gone in an instant. You would never choose another thing for yourself from that moment forward.

Until now.

Your feet, clad in thick black leather combat shoes worn with dirt and time, slapped against the wet pavement as you ran to the bus station. You roughly rubbed your hands against your tear-stained eyes. How could I be so stupid, you thought to yourself as your heart pounded in agony against your chest.

He really fooled you good, didn't he? For a second there, you felt safe. Like someone actually cared and didn't want you for your power.

Giichi...you bastard.

You clenched your fists angrily as you wiped the tears from your eyes. No more tears, I have to keep going or else dad will find me and I'll end up back in that cell.

After your mom died, your dad took you in and decided to make you use your gift as a payment for him taking you in. He took you underground in his base. There were no windows, no light, no color. It was dull and empty. The only things in your cell were a mat with a blanket, a toilet, and chains on the wall that were used to restrain you when you failed him and needed to be punished. You spent nine painful years down there. You spent your time healing your father's gang members and guards when they came back from a fight. The worst nights were the nights where a lot of them got hurt. Healing that many of them at once would almost kill you at some times, but your father never let you stop. He never let you have a break. The pain of it all left you breathless.

You were his tool and your purpose was to fix the people that were destroyed for him and his money.

The most painful part of it all though was probably the loneliness of it all. You didn't get to have any friends, and the only person your age that you knew was this boy that you met on an island a long time ago.

There was also your soulmate, of course.

He was always there, never fully in focus, but lingering in your thoughts. His emotions and feelings often filled your mind when they were strong. You didn't know his name, or what he looked like, but you knew him. Even if it was just a little bit.

You first felt him there the night your mom died.

The thunder and rain pattering against your window drowned out the sound of your sobs as you lay in bed awake that night. You had never felt so alone before. Not only was your mother gone, but her whole clan was gone. The people that she loved so much, and the people that you were just getting to know. Your small hand grasped your pillow tightly as a sob ripped its way through your throat when all of a sudden, you felt it. It was small, but nonetheless present. A soft, unfamiliar warmth lingered in the corner of your mind, almost like it was a little bit timid. It soothed her, suddenly she didn't feel so alone.

"I'm sorry," it seemed to say.

With tears still streaming down your cheeks and your eyes wide open, you whispered back, "Thank you."

There were multiple other occasions that you felt him there.

After your father smacked you around a few times for not healing fast enough, or not giving the results he wanted, you'd feel that same warmth.

When you were on the brink of death after healing too many terrible wounds at once, you felt his panic in the corner of your mind.

Sometimes, you could feel a deep loneliness in his mind. Sometimes you could feel he was in physical pain, just like you.

Was it possible that he was going through something similar?

You often wondered if he felt the lack of control that you did.

You knew that you would be destined to meet one day. When and where you didn't really know. You haven't found him yet because his first words to you were still written across your collarbone and you had yet to hear them out loud.

You were in no rush to find your soulmate though, you still had plenty of things you wanted to do. So many places to explore. So much life to live and take back. You were in no rush to settle down with a partner that you had no control over choosing, especially since you just freed yourself.

You ran away from your father's house about 3 months ago. There was a big raid. Enemies of your father had never broken into his base before, and you knew it was likely that it wouldn't happen again soon. So when the locks on your cell were unlocked due to the damage that was happening to the base, you took the opportunity and ran. You took your katana from your father's storage unit on the way out and bolted.

After running for a while, you found a small city. It was called Junipo City. The population was small and the poverty level was high. You were homeless for a while. You slept in an ally way behind the city's supermarket, and that's where he found you. Giichi.

When you first saw Giichi, you thought that he was very handsome. Just looking at his slick back black hair and green eyes made your heart do a little jump in your chest. However, it was his smile that pulled you in. There was something so friendly, so inviting about it. How naive you were then...

He acquainted himself with you and started dropping off food to you for about two weeks. After those two weeks, he convinced you to stay with him in a shelter that he lived in and worked in. He gave you your first set of new clothes in nine years, a place to sleep and food to eat. He took care of you, and for the first time since you escaped, you felt like maybe you didn't have to do things alone.

For the next two months, things were perfect. Giichi showed you all over town during the day. At night, he would bring you hot chocolate before you went to bed. You loved watching him play with all of the other kids and talk with the elderly at the shelter. Sometimes, late at night, you found the courage to confide in him. You told him about your past and all of your fears. Your heart began to flutter madly in your chest whenever he walked into the room. You thought that maybe, everything would be okay, maybe he even liked you too...

But after everything that happened tonight, you found yourself back in square one, alone again.

He had asked you if you had any career plans for the future.

"Hmm," you thought as your feet swung back and forth over the side of your cot, "I was thinking that maybe I could become a Hunter. I'm hoping to take the next exam. I think that my experience with nen and my katana gives me a good chance of passing the exam," you replied sheepishly.

"The next exam?" Giichi asked sorrowfully.

"Yeah," you smiled, "is there something wrong?"

Giichi smiled and shook his head, taking his seat on his cot across from yours.

"There's nothing wrong with that, of course. I'm really happy for you. It's just that...I'm really sad to see you go so soon. The Hunter exam is next week after all."

He looked back up at you. His sorrowful sage meeting your (y/e/c) ones. There was something in his look that made your heart soar...

"Giichi, I-"

He leaned in closer to you from his cot and tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. Almost immediately you felt heat rise to your cheeks. He's so close...

"(Y/N)...I was going to wait to tell you this, but since you're leaving I have no choice but to tell you now," a mischievous smile found its way onto his face, "I really like you, (y/n). I have since the moment I met you. You're beautiful and strong. It really makes me sad that you're leaving before we had the chance to become something more than friends..."

Something more than friends? You had never thought about being more than friends with someone other than your soulmate...and even when you did think about that you figured that would be happening way down the line. Right now, you're free and you're allowed to finally make choices for yourself.

The first words of your soulmate burned angrily against the skin of your collarbone.

Could you pursue this, soulmate aside? No...no you couldn't. You were going to become a Hunter. You were going to make money and explore the world. Maybe along the way, you'd meet people and you'd get to finally use your power safely for people you care about...For now, though, you didn't have room for a relationship, despite what you felt for Giichi.

"Giich-"

Before you could tell him how you felt, he placed his hands on your cheeks and pressed his lips to yours.

You were completely frozen. Your eyes wide open in shock and your heart pounding against your chest. This was your first kiss. Before you could even process that thought it was over, and your soulmate mark was on fire.

He was there, lingering dejectedly in the corner of your mind. Feelings of jealousy, betrayal, and finally something passive washed over him in your head. And then he was gone. He shut himself out almost faster than your kiss.

Giichi pulled away from you, "After you get your Hunter license, will you come here and show me?"

You nodded your head slowly, your fingers playing with your tingling lips, "S-Sure."

He smirked and patted your head before walking away, "Get some sleep, (y/n). Goodnight."

Sleeping was the last thing you did. You laid awake in your cot, your soulmate mark throbbing against your collarbone. After about an hour of tossing and turning, you decided to get up and get some water, walking on your tiptoes to avoid waking the other sleeping children in the cots around you.

You were almost to the kitchen when you heard Giichi talking on the phone in his office.

"...uh-huh, yeah...She should be back from her Hunter Exam in two weeks, I'm guessing... Yeah...You can pay me and take her at the same time I guess, no need to make two trips... trust me, she'll definitely be back..."

You rocked on your feet outside of his office, almost losing your balance at the same time. He tried to trick you...he tried to gain your trust and sell you...To who though? Your father? A third party that knew about your power? That didn't matter, right now you had to get away and lay low.

You ran back to your cot and took the few things that you owned. You pulled on your black hoodie and pulled the strap of your Katana case over your chest and let your katana rest on your back. From there, you crept out of the back doors and ran into the night.

Your feet slowed to a stop as you reached the bus stop. A bus was there loading passengers so you immersed yourself into the line, pulling your hoodie over your face.

You took a seat alone at the back of the bus, the rain pattering angrily against the window and the wind rattling the bus.

You can do this alone, (y/n). Don't be afraid, you have to lay low for a little while.

You took a deep breath and shut your eyes. Regret weighed heavily on your heart and you tried to push these thoughts to your soulmate but you were met with silence.

The intercom on the bus buzzed to life, "Next stop: Yorknew City."

[ninjago-happens-here]

'Bandages come in many ways. There are gauze bandages, treating all kinds of wounds the Ninja may have. There are bandages used to prevent injury in Martial Arts. What P.I.X.A.L. is wondering, is that if mankind has a bandage for the heart.'

@ninjago-angst-week am I late or what? Sorry but I think spewing out 21k words over teh course of 3 days killed my motivation. It took 3 days just to write 6.1k words.

Summary:

P.I.X.A.L. notices that the store of bandages is running low. She thinks about all the times she had to use them on one of her teammates, and its purposes.

“Hey Pix! We’re running low on bandages. Can you help us order some before we go to Shintaro?” Nya’s voice came from the medical bay of the Destiny’s Bounty. The Ninja and Master Wu were going on a trip to Shintaro. Unfortunately, Pixal never got an invite, but she has long been used to being left behind. It’s not that it was a bad thing, per se. Pixal knew the importance of having a backup, and having someone watch over Ninjago whilst the Ninja were gone. Still, to distract herself after placing a digital order, she thought about anything that could distract her. That thing just happened to be about bandages.

Bandages. Neat, white little things that wrap around any land or sky creature. According to Wikipedia, a bandage is a piece of material used either to support a medical device such as a dressing or splint, or on its own to provide support to or to restrict the movement of a part of the body. When used with a dressing, the dressing is applied directly to a wound, and a bandage is used to hold the dressing in place. Other bandages are used without dressings, such as elastic bandages that are used to reduce swelling or provide support to a sprained ankle. Tight bandages can be used to slow blood flow to an extremity, such as when a leg or arm is bleeding heavily.

At first, that was all P.I.X.A.L. knew about bandages. Given that she was built with the main purpose of being Cyrus Borg’s assistant, her primary knowledge consisted mostly of the ins and outs of Borg Tower, emergency protocols, customer service skills, and basic first aid, given that her maker was frailer than your average Ninjago citizen.

Of course, the longer she worked under Cyrus Borg, the more she learnt about the medical field. Curious about Mr Borg’s special circumstances, she was permitted to look through the internet for more information. In no time at all, she learnt about surgery, prosthetics, all different kinds of medication, and how to diagnose illnesses. In her given free time, she studied all the information available on the internet about the medical field. Even though the information was useless to her, an android who had no physical weaknesses like the humans do, her system determined that whilst the knowledge was a bit excessive, it only helps to prepare her to care for Mr Borg.

She never really needed to apply all that knowledge about serious and fatal cuts, but when Borg gets even the slightest injury, P.I.X.A.L. was there to offer her assistance.

A year after she had been created, Cyrus Borg had offered her to take a test of the field in medicine. P.I.X.A.L. had immediately felt lighter and better somehow. When asking Borg why she was feeling this way and if robots could get sick, Borg had laughed in surprise and shock.

“That feeling is happiness, P.I.X.A.L.! It’s an emotion that all living creatures feel, you included.”

“But I am not living-“ Mr Borg cut her off.

“Technically, you are right, P.I.X.A.L., but you are intelligence, and intelligence is what defines life. You can adapt, change, and overcome as all living beings do. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise! Because that would be an insult to my intelligence!” Cyrus Borg said encouragingly. “And robots can technically get sick, from a digital virus. But I created you to be strong, stronger than I ever will be. You should not have to worry about them.”

P.I.X.A.L. nodded her head to show her understanding. “Then I will go to the exam.”

P.I.X.A.L. didn’t pass on her first try, but Mr Borg told her that it was alright, given that she still did very well considering that she only had the free internet to look for answers to a test she was unprepared for. It was human for her to have failed.

“So why did you send me there with no preparation?” P.I.X.A.L. asked with a shaking voice.

“To prepare you for failure, my dear!” Cyrus Borg said patronisingly. “Since I’ve built you, you’ve been perfect in many, many ways. And that isn’t a bad thing! But life isn’t that simple. You may fail in one way or another in the future because like humans, the circumstances may not be what you desired and plans can fall apart due to errors. What I want you to know is how failure feels like, and I will help you recover from it.”

P.I.X.A.L. nodded. It won’t be long before she faced her first, real big failure.

- Lloyd - The first time she had to really apply those skills that she learnt was when the team had seen Lloyd in the village. After he was pulled out of the ocean because he had to escape from an exploding plane that the Digilord had trapped him on. The locals had wanted to help, but Lloyd wasn’t feeling like having strangers cut him up, so they offered him some basic and outdated medical supplies.

P.I.X.A.L. could see him trying to treat himself and to stay awake, and she could see him hiss as the alcohol drizzled on his wounds.

“LLOYD!” Kai shouted in a tone that conveyed panic. This made the young ultimate spinjitzu master look up from his handiwork and immediately break into a smile. As the team had rushed forward to greet him, P.I.X.A.L. could see that his shoulders were sagging, probably from relief.

“I’m so sorry that I got caught guys,” Lloyd wheezed with an apologetic smile before keeling over, to which Cole caught him with shaking hands.

“Oh god, Zane, quick, do your thing!” Kai panicked even harder, hands jittery as if he was in an internal debate about whether he should do something or not.  “I’m trying Kai! I just- my hands keep shaking for some reason!” Zane gritted his teeth in frustration. “I’m gonna run some diagnostics on him” “Okay, Cole, lie him on a flat surface- medic! Medic!” Nya screamed out.

It was at this moment that P.I.X.A.L. knew that was her chance. To repay Zane for his heart. To prove to the team that she was useful. To finally implement her knowledge. Sometimes, she wonders if she’ll ever have what Zane has with the other humans, but for now, she is glad that she can separate her emotions from her work.

“Let me handle it,” P.I.X.A.L. said authoritatively. Running a scan with her own diagnostics, P.I.X.A.L. isolated the most dangerous injuries before telling the group out loud, staring at her apprehensively.

“Master Lloyd has suffered a concussion, lung damage due to smoke inhalation, and fractured bones in his tibia. He also has a sprained ankle and several bones on his upper chest area have several bruises. Luckily, there is no internal bleeding. He also has some first and second-degree burns, but those look like they have been treated by the ocean water. However, he is at risk of hypothermia should he not change out of those clothes. Other cuts and bruises should not be life-threatening as long as we keep the infection away, and-“

“WE GET IT! Can you just PLEASE start treating Lloyd NOW?” Jay shrieked in frustration. P.I.X.A.L. blinked. Oh right, the ninjas are still panicking.

“Apologies, can I have a look at the medical supplies?” Taking a scalpel out of the medical box, P.I.X.A.L. removed Lloyd Garmadon’s shirt and so multiple bruises as well as the look of someone who’s emancipated. It didn’t really make any sense to her, but she supposed that being drained of his elemental powers must have caused some damage.

“To treat his concussion, he needs peace and to rest. I would like if all of you can speak in whispers from now on,” P.I.X.A.L. began. The soup suddenly looked ashamed and guilty, with Jay whispering a soft ‘sorry’.

“To treat his hypothermia, we would need blankets-“

“Why can’t I just warm him up with fire?” Kai cut across. “Well, the extreme heat can damage the skin or, even worse, cause irregular heartbeats so severe that they can cause the heart to stop. However, starting a campfire some meters away could help a little. using this fire, we can make some warm beverages and some food.”

“Just say what we gotta do doc, we’ll listen!” Nya begged swiftly. P.I.X.A.L. thought for a moment, before choosing to sort people out based on their perceived abilities.

“Kai, Jay, Cole, Sensei Wu, and Sensei Garmadon- please look for blankets in the village and start a campfire over there,” Pointing at a spot a satisfactory distance from Lloyd, P.I.X.A.L. continued with giving instructions. “Start making some sort of soup- not too heavy. Zane, Nya- you’re with me.”

Garmadon, who was silent all this time, started to protest. “I cannot leave my son, Pixal.”

“Fine, you may stay and just keep tending to the campfire,” P.I.X.A.L. conceded, not wanting to waste time arguing. There was the matter of fact that the smoke inhaled by Lloyd Garmadon could be fatal, but there was not much that she could do in his location. All she could hope to do was to treat his minor injuries before ensuring that Lloyd is stable enough to go to a hospital in Ninjago. Which would have been impossible, given that the Digilord had control of the city already. What could she do? Maybe there’s an elemental master of the air who could treat Lloyd?

“Pix, do you not have any ideas on how to treat the smoke inhalation?” Zane looked at her with kind and understanding eyes. Pixal nodded, defeated, before preparing a cast. “We need concentrated oxygen and a nose tube or a tube down his throat. Unfortunately, there is nowhere in Ninjago where we can get to such technology.”

Hearing this, Nya immediately perked up. “But we can make them. Zane, do you have any wires that you can spare for a bit?”

“Redirecting power from the right hand,” Zane replied as he opened up his arm to take out a tube. He’s so self-sacrificing. For some strange reason, P.I.X.A.L. felt her heart beating faster. Maybe Zane was nervous? “Nya, if you could please clean this?”

“Of course. HEY KAI!”  “Yeah, sis?”  Nya was looking at P.I.X.A.L. expectantly. Oh yes. she was supposed to know this, wasn’t she? “Can you get us 10 cups of potable water and 1 cup of vinegar? Also, get some detergent or soap.”  “Okay Pix, not gonna question this at all!”

Meanwhile, Nya was using pure H2O to just start blasting the tubing As much as they wanted Lloyd to not die from smoke inhalation, they also didn’t want him to be infected. Speaking of infections…

“Ow!” Lloyd woke up sleepily as Zane used one hand to dab his cuts. Looking sheepish, Zane immediately offered an apology before Nya cuts in and admitting her mistake.

“Go back to Lloyd,” Nya said, petting his hair. Once Kai had returned with the necessary materials, Nya sanitised her hands before delicately cleaning the tube with 10 parts water and 1 part vinegar.

Tightening the wrappings around Lloyd’s ankle, Pixal studied her handiwork. The splint was holding up nicely against Lloyd’s leg, and all the infections on Lloyd’s legs were taken care of. Seeing as Zane is treating Lloyd well enough, P.I.X.A.L. immediately began to start diagnosing Lloyd’s burns before seeing blood flow from Lloyd’s back.

“Oh, dear.” In her hast, P.I.X.A.L. had forgotten to check Lloyd for injuries from behind. Maybe she wasn’t as professional as she thought. There was no other choice. Looking at Zane firmly, they pushed Lloyd onto his side as he gave a pained groan.

P.I.X.A.L.’s mechanical heart sank. Lloyd had a reason for sitting up without any support. There were several pieces of debris stuck to his back, and they were all pushed in due to them lying Lloyd on the desk. Nya looked up from her task in horror.

“I’m so sorry Lloyd, I didn’t know-“ “Nya, please focus on your task,” P.I.X.A.L. cut her off before she could begin crying. She felt bad, but what’s done was done. Blocking Lloyd from’s Nya’s view, P.I.X.A.L. picked up a pair of tweezers before picking up the small pieces. But the large piece of metal stuck in his shoulder blades- Pixal had to cut Lloyd’s skin to get that out. Eyes narrowing, hardening her resolve- P.I.X.A.L. lightly cut Lloyd’s skin using the scalpel before pulling up a long shard of bloodied glass. Picking up some of the unused water, P.I.X.A.L. quickly cleared Lloyd and the flat-surfaced of their blood. Applying pressure to those wounds would be hard from this angle, so after disinfecting the openings, P.I.X.A.L. took several rolls of bandages before tying them around Lloyd’s chest. Not too tightly, that would further bruise his ribs- but tight enough to ensure a sense of security and staunch the oozing bleeding.

“Zane, do you have an oxygen filter?” Nya asked, having been satisfied by the cleanliness of the tubing. Sanitising her metallic hands, P.I.X.AL. heard Zane sigh before declining.

“I do. Mr Borg wanted us to be at least a little environmentally friendly, given that the Nindroids would be using large amounts of energy every day. So I can filter out excess greenhouse gases in the air and store them in their solid form before giving the raw materials back to Borg Industries,” P.I.X.A.L. offered.

“You’re a lifesaver Pix,” Nya said in relief, handing P.I.X.A.L. the tubing. P.I.X.A.L. smiled. She supposed that she actually was. Opening Lloyd Garmadon’s mouth, P.I.X.A.L. inserted the tubing down his throat with NIndroid precision. Connecting the end to her oxygen filter, P.I.X.A.L. adjusted the settings so that she was inputting air composing of at least 60% oxygen into young Garmadon’s lungs.

As Zane finished applying some frost to Lloyd’s burns, the 3 of them stood there and watched as Lloyd breathed in and out.

“If you guys don’t mind, I’ll go find what the guys have been doing,” Nya informed their group. “I too will go into the village, but to ensure that we have permission to stay here for the night,” Zane stated, giving a nod to P.I.X.A.L., before walking away into the dusk, right hand locked and useless.

P.I.X.A.L., knowing that she can’t really move, sat next to Lloyd Garmadon as she watched the campfire grow as shrieks from the ninja team rose. At the end of today, all P.I.X.A.L. wanted to do was to just shut down and recharge. She knows she doesn’t need to know that she had half of Zane’s heart (which just skipped another beat for some unknown reason), but all she wants was a break.

Too bad that being a ninja means that you don’t really get to choose when to stop. P.I.X.A.L. thought to herself.

But at least today, I’ve proved my usefulness. I can repay Zane for his heart.

- Kai - Having been stuck alone, disassembled and scrapped, P.I.X.A.L. found that she really, really missed the Ninja team. She also missed Zane, though he was in a cell next to hers. He’s been offline for such a long time, P.I.X.A.L. had fears that he would never wake up.

But he did. And the ninja had rescued them from Chen. But along the way, they had lost Sensei Garmadon, and the year apart had caused some major issues.

Kai doesn’t know that they’re here. But he shouldn’t be here either after Zane had ordered that everyone go to rest after this long day. Still, the glint of red from his eyes even scared P.I.X.A.L., but she would never tell anyone that. She watched as Kai shredded the bandages he wrapped around his hands by destroying a metal training dummy, before turning around to wrap some more.

“Why is he doing that?” P.I.X.A.L. wondered from inside Zane’s head. Zane started whispering, “He… has some anger issues.”

“I get that Zane, I mean why’s he wrapping his hands in bandages?” P.I.X.A.L. corrected herself. Zane quirked an eyebrow but continued with answering P.I.X.A.L.’s questions. “Well, martial artists wear hand wraps and bandages because they can prevent injuries and improve the power of their punches. Wraps and bandages also protect the martial artist’s skin and soften the impact on hard surfaces.”

“I see,” P.I.X.A.L. stated whilst both of them cringed, as Kai delivered a particularly hard blow to the metallic dummy that Zane was supposed to fight with.

“KAI, PLEASE SHUT UP!” came Jay’s voice from down the corridor, moving closer towards them. Zane and P.I.X.A.L. watched in apprehension as Kai breathed heavily, staring down the metallic dummy before all the tension from his shoulders sagged.

The Nindroids watched as Kai cleaned up the training room and head out to use the bathroom to wash up.

“He’s being too hard on himself for the death of Lloyd’s father,” P.I.X.AL. commented blandly. Zane shifted from his position. “I’m afraid that that’s not the only reason. Do you remember Jay telling us that Kai had almost killed both Lloyd and Skylor using Chen’s staff?” P.I.X.A.L. stayed silent.

Bandages come in many ways. There are gauze bandages, treating all kinds of wounds the Ninja may have. There are bandages used to prevent injury in Martial Arts. What P.I.X.A.L. is wondering, is that if mankind has a bandage for the heart.

- Jay - It was only a few days after Master Wu had been lost in time. Whilst the Ninja team were recuperating and in shock, Pixal has been remotely using Samurai X to patrol the cities whilst maintaining in the current Ninja’s headquarters- the electronic system of Yang’s temple. P.I.X.AL. had really wanted to go full into Samurai X, but she knew that she could not just desert her teammates at this moment. But there wasn’t much she could do, other than counting reps for Lloyd. (You skipped a number, I know what you’re doing Pix, and I ain’t gonna stop training-) helping Jay prepare breakfast (Jay! The pancakes are burning!) or accompanying Zane as he retrieved bits and pieces from all the fighting. (Someone has to clean up Ninjago city, and I guess that that would be me and Samurai X.)

P.I.X.A.L. knew that she shouldn’t be keeping Samurai X a secret, but she couldn’t help herself. She felt a strange sense of duty, and the ability to finally be on the front lines, fighting the same enemies as Zane. And she wanted some secrets to herself.

Still, it surprised her when Jay had demanded her full attention during one of her free times.

“Hey, umm… Pix? Do you- do you think you could maybe check out my left eye?” Jay stammered whilst twiddling his fingers. Pixal was curious, but she’s already moved to Jay’s laptop. “Why do you ask so? Did your eye get hit sometime recently?”

Jay had flinched at the word ‘hit’, but shook his head at the word ‘recently’. Huh. Maybe it was phantom pains? Still, Pixal had run a diagnostic on it.

“I can’t seem to find any physical abnormalities, but if this is a case of phantom pain, over the counter pain relievers should work.”

Jay nodded whilst his eyes were blank seemingly off to another world or lost in his memories.

“Jay? Jay, can you hear me?” Pixal once again ran a diagnostic scan. It seems that Jay was slipping into dissociation. Dimming the lights in his room as well as all the screens the blue ninja had put into his room. Pixal started playing a calm Ninjago lofi mix from the speaker she was in. She gently called Jay’s name and he slipped back into reality.

“Jay, just take 2 doses of ibuprofen. They’re at the lowest shelf at the kitchen counter. If it hurts again, tell me and we’ll bring you to a professional.”

Jay who was nodding at the instructions froze at the thought of being taken to the hospital. Still, he slid off his bed and made his way downstairs. Pixal filtered through the electronic system of the temple, landing new the smart fridge and watched as Jay swallowed 2 pills dry.

It seemed to create some results because Jay stopped shivering and shaking. Pixal wondered if that was just a placebo or an actual effect. Still, watching Jay’s face relax in bliss, free from whatever pain that was bothering him, Pixal knew that she made the right call.

- Nya - S9, fight with SOG

It had been brutal. Pixal was just treating the training injuries Lloyd had when Skylor came into the noodle house, helping Nya to walk as her left arm dangled without any purpose. Immediately, Pixal stood up and took quick strides, scanning Nya for all her injuries.

“We were getting supplies when a bunch of Harumi’s goons jumped on us, we had to be quick so that none of them could call up for back up, when-“  “When- fuck, when this dude pulled out a fucking gun,” Nya said, pained and heaving as Skylor slowly helped her to sit on the training mat.

“So you were shot?” Lloyd’s voice came from behind Pixal as he took the medkit to the mat. Nya eyes looked everywhere but at him. Gesturing to her limp and bleeding arm, she gave up all her dignity. “Yeah, right here.”

“Okay, Nya, here, take these.” Lloyd handed her 2 tablets of ibuprofen and a cup of water. “W-what? No, I can’t take these!” Nya hissed in pain.

“Yes, you can!”  “What if we need them later? What if one of us loses an arm or something happens where we have a worse injury?” “That does not matter, Nya. Look, I’ve been shot in Ninjago city before, I know how it feels.”

Pixal immediately flashes back to the nights where she had to help Lloyd through a computer screen, and her metallic fingers curled up. It was horrible, watching him choking down painkillers before trying to pull the bullet out himself. Never again.

“Nya, it would be alright, just take these- we can always go out to get more,” Pixal tried coaxing Nya to just swallow the pills.

“Take them or I’ll force you to take them, Water Ninja.” Skylor admonished. With the combined strength of their motley crew of 3, Nya hesitantly reached for the medicine, almost choking as she had swallowed too much water at one go.

“Okay, good, now we just need to pull the bullet out,” Lloyd reached into the medkit, pulling out a pair of tweezers. Pixal watched as his hands, fatigued from all the trains, couldn’t stop shaking.

“Wait, Lloyd, let me see if the bullet should be removed at all.” Pixal interrupted, taking a more in-depth scan at Nya’s shoulder. In the meantime, Lloyd started to check through Skylor, who said that he was all clear except for a few knuckle bruises. Of course, Pixal would check on her later, but now she had to make sure that Nya would be alright.

“The bullet has missed your major arteries and it actually isn’t in too deep, possibly because of the protection offered by your suit-“ “Just tell me when you’re gonna remove it!” Nya snapped as her brow furrowed in anticipation.  “Well, let’s see… first, we need to remove the clothing around the area of the wound, which-“

“AHH!” Nya shrieked as Pixal twisted and pulled out the bullet without any warning. “Sorry Nya, sometimes fear of a thing could be greater than the actual danger that it poses,” Pixal explained as Nya stared at her with a look that could only scream betrayal.

Dropping the bullet to the ground, Pixal took up some disinfectant and sanitised the area around the entry wound. Nya hissed as Pixal gently presses a cotton gauze to stop the bleeding before finally applying some sort of disinfectant cream. She finished off the wound with a bandage around Nya’s arm, with extra padding using gauze at the point where the wound is at.

“Alright, so now you should not move this arm too much for the next few days, and in the next few weeks, you would not be able to raise it over your shoulder. But in a few months, you can use it again and in a year it would be pretty much healed up so that you may do your weight lifting sessions with- with Cole again…” Pixal said, starting brightly but dropping to a small whisper.

The mood suddenly went from cheery to depressive. “Remember to take lots of rest,” Pixal finished lamely. As Lloyd escorted Nya to the sleeping bags they had gathered, Skylor picked up the bullet Pixal had removed.

“Girl, you were quite mean back there,” Skylor began. “And I think that you’re cool. One problem- the pharmacies have not been able to continue business as normal. All the drugs have to be given to the Sons of Garmadon. In the meantime, all supply chains are disrupted. Over the counter medicine won’t be so easy to find. “

Pixal kept quiet. “Well, I’ll have to keep this bullet as a souvenir for Nya. FSM knows that she deserves this.”

Of course, the bullet would be lost later as they were hunted down throughout the city. But every time Nya changed into her swimsuit, Pixal could see the bullet wound. The scarring left wasn’t pretty, but Pixal thought that the courage Nya showed made her the most beautiful woman she’ll ever have the chance to meet.

- Cole-  Cole was alive. Cole was alive!

Pixal watched as the Ninja went into a momentary stop before cheering and becoming more alive. She saw Nya pass the Scythe of Earth to Cole, who promptly swung it into the oncoming Oni. Pixal was trying her best to fend off the Oni herself, but her mind, or rather, motherboard, was spinning really, really fast. How did Cole survive? It should have been impossible!

Pixal heard that Cole justify his survival, stating that the Oni clouds must have broken his fall. He didn’t know how he wasn’t attacked at first, but many tendrils then came to attack him.

Still, this was impossible for Pixal to figure out. Was it because Cole had been a ghost? Maybe it was his elemental power protecting him? Or perhaps it was divine intervention? Either way, Pixal was going o scan him later if there was even a later.

“Watch out!” Pixal saw a blast of green hit the Oni in front of her. I can’t afford to get lost in thought now! Come on Samurai X, focus! She chided to herself.

Yet, as the battle once again turned tides, and the elemental masters got together to do the Tornado of Creation, Pixal watched from her position behind the holding doors to see Lloyd Garmadon get thrown out of the tornado, hitting his head with an earth-shattering crack as he collapsed against the walls of the monastery before debris-covered him.

Frantically approaching him, Pixal saw out of the corner of her eye that the rest of the ninja were left dizzy, exhausted, and possibly some having passed out. That was alright. It was time for her to do her duty anyways.

However, whilst lifting slabs of concrete, Pixal felt her heart drop. The calculated survival rate of the impact sent shivers down Pixal’s circuits as the percentage just kept. Dropping. Lower.

Heaving the last piece of concrete off the young bearer of green power, Pixal heard her teammates rushing into the scene. She could have warned them, said something, said anything. But her joints were frozen in place with something much colder than what her sensors had detected when she went into the Oni cloud.

The motley crew, now only 5, took the last piece of debris off from their teammate.

“Lloyd. Buddy, wake up,” Kai pleaded, desperate.  “He-He's not moving!” Nya exclaimed, voice shaking as tears start to form. She looked at Pixal, asking for anything, anything at all.  “Someone find Wu. Where’s Wu?” Cole ordered.

In no time, Master Wu arrived and lifted Lloyd’s arm, checking his pulse. He would find nothing there.

“You can do something, right? Right?!” Jay panicked.  With a defeated look that Pixal knows is mirrored in her eyes, Wu shook his head and said, “There’s nothing to be done.”  Nya finally cries out, sobbing. “Oh, Lloyd!”

PIxal wanted to cry as well, but she never could. When rebuilding her body, she had used the same blueprints that Cyrus Borg had with some upgrades. One thing she didn’t consider adding was the ability to cry because there wasn’t any time. She had to save Lloyd from the vermillion. But what she can’t save Lloyd from, was from an early- early- d… fate.

There’s nothing Pixal could do. And she felt hopeless.

She watched from the corner of her eye as Garmadon backed away from their small group, and in a flash, she felt her wires burning. She couldn’t just let him leave. Not after what he’s done.

Yet, just as she was about to boost straight towards the Oni and tackle him off the mountain, Lloyd started to cough. Lloyd. Started to cough.

Whipping around to see a golden petal float away, she watched the team cheer as Lloyd started to breathe. How- this was impossible!  Pixal almost short-circuited from shock. There had been no way! No way! She didn’t even go through all 5 stages of grief yet.

And not too soon, Lloyd woke up from a sleep that she was sure that he never would.

Catching him mumbling something about the First Spinjitzu Master, Pixal smiled. Divine intervention had definitely happened at least once today. The first time being….

“Cole, please come with me to the med bay,” Pixal requested with a smile. Divine intervention or not, five-sixths of the Ninja team knows how to hide a serious injury, and she had to be certain. Cole, who looked shopped, resigned himself and walked with Pixal o the medical centre. For now, she trusted that Zane was doing all the scans that he could to make sure that Lloyd was right in the head, and sought out to take care of her own, albeit selfish, worries.

Scanning Cole on both sides, Pixal noticed a particular bad bruise on Cole’s spine. Yet falling from that height and the fact that Cole isn’t paralysed due to spinal injury made Pixal reaffirm her theories that the First Spinjitsu Master was alive, just in another realm.

“You know, Lloyd might have actually seen the First Spinjitsu Master,” Pixal began, which led Cole to choke on the water he was ordered to drink. “No way, he must have just hit his head hard…”

“I’m sorry Cole, but the injuries you have is comparable to sleeping on a rock hard bed for one night, not falling from a height of 500m, even if your fall was broken by the Oni cloud, you should still have been paralysed,” Pixal explained.

“So God is real and Lloyd’s sharing a fourth of his blood? Neat! Next time tell him to not scare us with a fake-out,” Cole brushed it off.

At this time Pixal was about the shutdown and delve deep into theorising. Lloyd technically had a fourth of his grandfather’s blood and possessed the same power, could he possible have powers that control life and death-

Yet, she watched as a steady stream of Ninja enter the medbay, and resolved her thoughts to her inner GPU. She can think later. For now, she had to make sure that everyone is okay, and everyone will be okay. Even if she threatens Loyd to shave his head so she can get a better look at his skull, to which a chase around the monastery ensued. Her family was alright for now, and the concerning mortality of humans was left deep in the recesses of her mind.

- Zane - Too soon, Pixal had to face her own mortality. Being a Nindroid, her lifespan would naturally be much longer than a Ninja’s. But she still could be erased, dismantled, destroyed, sent to another realm-

The days waiting for the group of 6, not 5, to come back were some of the hardest. Even though all Pixal wanted to do was to shut down, lie on her bed and stare into the picture they had taken on their first date, Pixal knew that the team was entrusting her to keep Ninjago safe. Even if it means recapturing escaped convicts. Even if it means fighting the… undead-dead Preeminent (Pixal still hasn’t figured out how she worked). And they had to find ways to reach the Never Realm, by going through different infusions of travellers tea.

Yet, all the waiting and longing was worth it. Pixal prefers a Zane stuck in another realm for 40 years as to no Zane. There was no other choice. Yet, as she sees her loved ones trudging out of the frosty realm, some of them had worst frost bites than others. Even though all Pixal wanted to do was to smother Zane in a hug, she can see the edges of Lloyd’s skin turning a deep, dark black. From the corner of her eyes, she can see Nya taking care of Cole whilst Jay and Kai attempt to remove the ice from everyone else, including lubricating Zane’s frosted joins. She had not a single moment to lose. This kind of frostbite was not exactly lethal immediately, but losing limbs could mean the end of Lloyd’s ninja career. So calling everyone to attention, she went all in to salvaging Lloyd’s limbs, doing everything she could.

Later that night, Pixal spotted Zane wandering around the outskirts of the monastery whilst the Ninja finish up dinner. She watched as Zane’s hands gripped the staff so tight that the wood would be snapping in 3…2…1.

A harsh crack and splinters flying out later, Pixal could see the shaking in Zane’s hands as he cursed, something that the Zane she knew never would.

For her, it had been a hellish week. But for Zane? It must have been a hellish 40 years.

“…Zane?” Pixal called out from the monastery doors. Zane immediately whipped around before pointing the tip of the staff towards her, to which Pixal reflectively grabbed. Zane, eyes widening in shock and horror, immediately released his grip on the now shorter staff, before turning around, trying to run away. Pixal won’t let that happen.

“Zane,” Pixal said once again, hand now gripping onto the collar of Zane’s Gi. “Please don’t run away from me.”

Zane, froze, hands twitching before dropping them to his side. Pixal released her grip before tapping Zane on the shoulder, asking him to turn around.

“Pixal, I’m- I’m sorry…I just can’t- I can’t trust myself right now,” Zane vented out hands fidgeting with each other. Pixal smiled sadly. She knew that not everything could go back to normal so fast, but still, she had hoped that it would have been easier than this. “If you don’t trust yourself right now, why not spend some time with me?”

“Pixal- I…I could hurt you-“  “Yes you can, but don’t think that I can’t protect myself,” Pixal snapped back whilst carefully reaching to hold Zane’s hands. Once she made contact, Zane flinched back, before slowly reciprocating the action. “C’mon Zane, let’s go back into the monastery-“

“No!” Zane protested, wrenching Pixal back. Pixal clasped her other hand on top of Zane’s. “Not to the dining room. I’m thinking med bay.”

Pixal could see Zane’s processing unit cycle through his thoughts, noticing that it had considerable frost damage. Before long, Zane nodded his head, allowing Pixal to pull him into the light.

Opening the cupboards, Pixal took out a few rolls of bandages before carefully wrapping them around Zane’s hands. The ice ninja watched with curiosity as Pixal carefully finished tying and tightening the strips of cloth.

“Why are you doing this? You and I both know that Nindroids don’t need bandages,” Zane asked. Pixal smiled, looking at Zane’s now steadier hands. “Maybe bandages can’t fix our metal skin, but it still makes us feel better.”

Zane paused, looking down at his hands. “I don’t know how you’re right PIx, but they do make me feel more sure that my powers won’t hurt anyone accidentally. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s get back to dinner, we have some desserts to bring out.”

Bandages. As much as PIxal uses them and finds them efficient, she can’t help but hope that team doesn’t need to use as many. But this time, t’s just a trip to a legendary city full of peace and prosperity. Maybe this time, Pixal doesn’t need to bandage their wounds away.

[katytheinspiredworkaholic]

Correspondence, Chapter 02

Pairing: HotchReid

Summary:  An AU where Reid never joined the FBI, but got roped into consulting for the LA field office while working and teaching at Caltech. Hotch gets his email referred from a fellow agent, and they start to work on cases together -- until they start talking on a regular basis. Regular becomes frequent, frequent becomes constant. They know nothing about each other, but they don't really mind.

Rating: Mature/Explicit (eventually)

Chapter CW/notes: Vague mentions of PTSD, spoilers for the Foyet storyline/mentioned character death. Little angsty, maybe a little OOC since Reid and Hotch don’t actually have a boss/subordinate work relationship in this story and I’m adapting that whole-heartedly. But other than that, it’s just grown men acting like dorks and Reid attempting to give parenting advice. Set in season 6, self beta’d.

Word Count: 4535

Masterpost Link

Ao3 Link 

--

Chapter 02

--

May 2010

-

Hotch does, indeed, take Dr. Reid up on his offer.

They work on a few more cases together, over the course of six to eight weeks, and each time Dr. Reid proves to be an invaluable asset. His knowledge is unsurpassed, extensive, and astounds Hotch every time he opens a correspondence email from the esteemed professor. 

Have you ever thought about being an FBI agent? He teases one night, when they’d been sending theories back and forth in emails that had become less and less formal. Dr. Reid still sent dissertation-length assessments of the cases when they landed in his niche (which was often), but their replies had turned to a messaging template instead of the business-like format Hotch is used to writing all day every day. Quick, rapid-fire messages replacing the professional grade layout that felt so impersonal, with titles and headers and enough filler to give him chronic headaches.

This was much better. Informal as it was.

I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t pass the physical exams, but thanks for the compliment. Another life, maybe. Dr. Reid answers, and Hotch finds himself smiling and huffing a laugh behind closed lips, the kind that stays caught up in his chest. He’s not sure how much older the professor is, for all he knew he could be bordering on retirement, but it was an amusing thought nonetheless.

 I would get them waved, or curve the scores. I have that kind of pull around here. Never would he speak with his agents or anyone at the Quantico office like this, and it had taken weeks and dozens of emails to get to this point. But the freedom of it was nice, enchanting, like a little taste of his life outside of the office. Just confined to the response box of his email. Despite what everyone (ie: Morgan, Prentiss, Garcia) said about him, he did have a sense of humor. He just also had a sense of propriety, and he was their boss. He wasn’t going to make light with them in the place where they catch murderers.

Don’t tempt me. I have tenure. But Virginia gets so cold, I’d freeze to death half the year. 

Didn’t you attend MIT? What did you do during winter?

Froze to death. Pay attention.

Hotch outright laughs, and then snaps his mouth shut and looks out the open blinds of his office. Everyone has gone home, for the most part, but he doesn’t need JJ or someone else hearing him and coming to check on him. He hasn’t been getting much work done since Dr. Reid started replying to his emails that evening, and the little half smirk on his face is something he doesn’t think he can school as he rereads their conversation over and over. 

Apologies. Next I’m sure you’ll tell me how you had to walk to class uphill both ways in the snow.

No, I took the bus. And Froze. To. Death. I live in sweaters, and I’m from Las Vegas, I’m not meant for the cold. 

Las Vegas? Really?

Born and raised. My mother still lives there. 

Hotch’s eyebrows raise at that, apparently he’s not so old that his mother is still around. His own parents are gone, have been for years, but that’s under different circumstances and really not a situation he likes to reflect on.

Must be nice, only being a few hours from home. Do you go back often?

As little as possible. I should really visit my mother more, but that’s hard for reasons I won’t get into. I do write her, though. A letter every day, although not much happens around here for her to get invested in.

As in a real letter? Not an email, or a phone call?

She doesn’t do well with phone calls, or computers. Letters are more personal, anyway, and she likes being able to have the paper in her hands in my own handwriting. It’s the least I can do, not going home unless I absolutely have to. 

This is the most the man has ever spoken about himself, in a personal manner instead of an academic one, and Hotch isn’t quite sure how to take the evolution. It feels like a shift in their dynamic, an opening that could lead to a deeper level of friendship and -- it’s been a while since he’s had that. Allowed himself to have that. After Foyet, and even before when Haley started pushing for divorce and Hotch responded by isolating himself as much as he could to keep his work unaffected, he’d had trust issues. Hotch is man enough to admit that. 

But speaking with an old professor on the other side of the country might just be the stepping stone he needs. Who knows, maybe they’d even get the chance to meet one day.

I just grimaced at my own triteness. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give you such a maudlin review of my life story.

No, that’s okay. I don’t talk much about myself, so I wasn’t sure how to respond. Work and home are kept very separate for me. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism, I know, but it works as best as it can.

In your line of work, I can only imagine. You do what you have to. 

Hotch pauses in their conversation, looks at the clock and the stack of paperwork he still hasn’t finished -- too busy lost in his talk with Dr. Reid -- and feels an itching in the back of his mind he wants so desperately to scratch at. To give into. Lists of things he knows he should talk about, but doesn’t trust anyone enough to do so. Hotch really isn’t sure he can even trust Dr. Reid with them.

At least, not yet.

Thank you. And thank you for entertaining me, as well. 

Anytime.

--

It’s not a month later that Hotch is sitting at his desk, after hours, once again. Head in his hands and his phone still warm, overworked from the hour-long phone call he’d just endured with his ex-sister-in-law, Jessica. 

Jack was being bullied in school. She’d had to attend the parent-teacher conference about it instead of him, because he’d been on a case in Florida for over two weeks. Which really just highlighted to Jack’s teacher what his home life is like and she expressed her worry. Adamantly. Jessica was in agreement, and she once again wanted to have the conversation on if Hotch returning to work at the BAU had been the right choice after Haley was killed. He’d taken his sabbatical for 30 days, passed his psych evals -- which didn’t mean much, he helped write the qualification questions -- and Jack was doing well with his therapist and in school.

Or so he’d thought. Until today. 

That ‘conversation’ turned into an argument, because Hotch gets defensive when someone questions his choices in regards to his family, and as much as he knows that she is right -- he feels awful about how it devolved. Jessica has gone above and beyond in taking care of Jack, to allow Hotch to return to work, and she is the last person that deserves the brunt of his frustration. He only has himself to blame, and he doesn’t know what to do. Who to turn to. Who might have answers for him, if there even was a correct answer for his situation. 

The Foyet case is classified. His assigned therapist is so easily played he hasn’t returned to her in months. 

Hotch just wants someone who won’t see through him, even when he pushes back.

He wants to talk to someone who he doesn’t want to push back against.

Who he trusts.

Dr. Reid, I need help with something no one seems to have an answer for, but it’s of a personal matter and not a professional one. Would you mind lending me your services?

Hotch sends the email before he can take it back. It’s late in Virginia, but Dr. Reid is four hours behind him in California and there’s a high chance he might still be in his office. He seems to keep longer hours, for an old professor. 

He won’t admit it to himself, but he feels a tightness in his chest as he awaits an answer. All the paperwork from the Florida case is completed, there’s nothing keeping him there at the office any longer. But it’s too late to go pick up Jack from Jessica’s, and he doesn’t think he would be welcome to come sleep on her couch like he often does on nights like this. When he wants to be there when Jack wakes up, and tonight he longs to do just that. But he isn’t sure he can even look Jessica in the eye right now.

So he sits there, and watches his computer screen, and feels himself distance from the ache in his bones. Knowing if Dr. Reid doesn’t answer him, he would have to spend however long it would take to compartmentalize his apprehension, once again, and go home to his empty house and not think about how he is failing in raising his son. In being a good father. 

The soft ping of his inbox is his single solace in the storm of his thoughts.

Agent Hotchner, You know I’m always happy to help, in any way -- personal or professional -- if I can. What is it you need an answer to?

That tightness releases, but it also gives way to the worry building up in his chest. An overwhelming, crushing amount of it that he didn’t realize was climbing higher and higher the longer he’d been left alone with his thoughts. Drowning in trepidation. Everything he doesn’t want to have pressing on his mind when they are hunting down serial killers, working with criminals that would see it as a weakness and exploit it without batting an eye. 

But this time, Hotch knows this is becoming something he shouldn’t try to hide away. 

Child psychology. Trauma, in particular, and the effects on children after the fact. 

It’s enough to describe what he needs answered, without telling too much of what happened. It’s still hard for Hotch to think about what happened, to fully realize what they had gone through. What had happened to Haley, what had happened to him. What Jack will have to grow up knowing nearly happened to him. What he almost witnessed.

(626)-595-0387 I have unlimited texting, and tend to stay up very late at night. Also, I have a feeling that you might want to keep this off government regulated emails. I’m not a practicing psychiatrist, mind you, but anything I can do to help you I will be more than happy to offer. 

Hotch is stunned. Whatever he expected, that wasn’t it. He’s near speechless, staring at the phone number with a Pasadena area code, and hesitates in moving their correspondence off of the email platform. A drastic change in dynamic and expectations, but… it would be nice, to be able to message the professor whenever he wanted. The ease of access an alluring thought. 

Another soft ping in his inbox has him looking up from where he’d been glancing at his cell phone in contemplation.

Also, it goes without saying, but everything we talk about in our conversations would still be confidential. I have no one to tell them to, anyway. 

Hotch huffs out a sound that could have been a laugh, and he’s surprised he even can manage that. But he’s barely thinking about it before he’s picking up his cell phone and typing in the number Dr. Reid had given him. []6/3, 22:46[] This is Agent Hotchner.

He sends it, pauses in thought, then keeps typing.

[]6/3, 22:47[] You can call me Hotch, since this is outside work. Agent Hotchner just reminds me I’m abusing bureau resources for personal gain.

The whole interaction is causing this clawing, hot feeling in his chest that might be nervousness in risking the change in their work relationship, or residual guilt from the fight with Jessica about Jack, or just… the fear that Dr. Reid will tell him he is fucking this up and he should never have returned to the FBI at all. Because there are days, like today, where Hotch really starts to think that might be the case.

[]6/3, 22:49[] I figured as much. No one else actually messages me after 6pm except you and some of my more zealous students. 

[]6/3, 22:51[] And although I don’t think you’re abusing anything; in that same vein, you can call me Spencer. This is just two friends having a chat, nothing more. 

Hotch appreciates the gesture, finds himself almost smiling about it -- but then he remembers what he has to relay to ask what he wants to ask the other man. And he isn’t sure where to begin. 

So he just -- begins at the start. The case where Foyet fooled his whole team, posing as a victim, and managing to get away. Slipped through their fingers. Gotten away with murder and insider FBI information and more than he should have ever been able to access. Dr. Reid -- Spencer, please -- doesn’t say anything as he relates all of this, and Hotch commends his patience. Because from the start, this isn’t about child psychology at all. But it is certainly about trauma, and that becomes apparent when Hotch throws caution to the wind and describes what happened to him in his own apartment. Paraphrasing and dropping out intimate details, but explaining what happened is still brutal even stripped to its bare minimum. When Foyet had broken in, and blitzed him, and tortured him as he stabbed him nine times in the chest. Precise, practiced, indicative of letting him live with the knowledge of what that monster masquerading as a man could do. 

The details begin to bleed through the more he types. The more he remembers.

How he’d had to put his ex-wife and son into protective custody. How it hadn’t been enough. His late night obsessions all for naught. And finally, a brief -- or as brief as it can possibly be, for as brutal an event as it was -- summary of what happened when Foyet had found his family. How he had killed Haley, how they had stopped Foyet and Jack had been spared witnessing anything. Even the fight inside Hotch’s own house. He doesn’t… well, Hotch doesn’t plan on describing that and keeps it at bay. He barely remembers it. Blurs of fists and broken furniture and rooms he has memorized from years of memories flying by as they tore through his home like a hurricane. 

But he gives enough of a picture. Enough that, though he doesn’t say as much, Spencer probably knows Foyet didn’t make it out alive. Can guess it was by Hotch’s own hands. 

Which leads them to now -- to the part Hotch needed help with more than anything. His past and his trauma Hotch has a lot of practice dealing with, knows how to handle it alone. As he always has. But the part he doesn’t know how to handle?

He is raising his son on his own. His ex-sister-in-law, Jessica, has been a godsend and is helping with Jack so Hotch can be at work. His lifeblood. His identity. Everything he’s ever worked for. He almost left; Strauss had offered him an early retirement package that was too good to pass up, but he had in the end. Because being an FBI agent, catching the monsters that plague their world, that is what he does. And that’s what Jack knows him to do. 

It helps Jack, Hotch found, to know that his dad is out there catching men like the one that took away his mom. He probably would have taken the loss a lot worse, if Aaron had left the bureau. 

But he’s messing up. Hotch feels that in his bones. He’s gone so much, Jessica is taking on the role of parent instead of Aunt more and more, and Hotch does not want to turn into that father that shows up once in a blue moon and pretends he never left. He’s worried that what Jack’s teacher, and Jessica, had said is true and Jack’s home life isn’t going to be healthy for him. It’s going to make him suffer.

That what Jack has gone through, Hotch doesn’t know how to address correctly. 

It’s near a half hour later that he’s gotten the entire story out, and Hotch realizes that even though text is probably going to be easier to have a conversation like this… he probably could have written it in an email and saved them both some time. He apologizes at the error, because it’s late and his head isn’t quite screwed on straight whenever it comes to matters with his son, and he just… he’s at a loss. Doesn’t know what the right course of action is, or if there even is one outside of a professional’s opinion. 

Then Hotch waits for a reply.

It feels like hours, but in reality is only a couple of minutes. 

[]6/3, 23:22[] Hotch, the fact you are so worried about your son and how your actions have affected him through all of this, is all I really need to know about you being a good father. The consideration you are showing him is not something every parent can do, in the face of what happened to you and your family. You do not need to worry about that. You love your son, and that is the most important factor right now.

[]6/3, 23:25[] Secondly, I’m so sorry that this happened to you at all. You and your son sound like you have such a strong bond, and I know that’s what must have helped you through such a difficult time. It’s apparent that you love him very, very much. 

[]6/3, 23:29[] I don’t have a lot of friends that ask me the hard questions like this. Not that I don’t want them to, I just understand why, because I can recite statistics all day and give you textbook answers easily. Which I know you were hoping would give you a black and white response to your question. But in this there isn’t one, sadly. I know you are worried and I feel like you don’t need to be. And I don’t know how to express that in a way that won’t make you detest me. 

[]6/3, 23:32[] Your son just lost his mom, and you just lost your ex-wife, and there’s not going to be a straightforward path to healing. Everything you say you have done for him? It’s perfect, it’s exactly what you should be doing, and don’t stop. That’s all you can do and all you should focus on, in truth. Listen to what he tells you and watch for what he doesn’t, and hug him, because you are a great dad -- and this is coming from someone who did not have such an example. 

[]6/3, 23:33[] And I am very sorry about Haley, Hotch. I truly am. 

Hotch doesn’t even answer him for a good few minutes. It is a lot to process, to read through, and he does read through it more than once. But every single time he reads that final text, his eyes sting hotly and he has to blink back emotions he thought he had waded through plenty on his 30 days of leave. Apparently, not enough.

It’s so much, and yet he wants more. It’s not enough in the sense that he wishes Dr. Reid -- Spencer -- would keep talking to him. Keep telling him he’s doing a good job. That he hasn’t failed his son. 

That for once, he’s handling something right.

With a breath that feels like it shudders through his chest a little more roughly than it should, Hotch slowly types out a response that doesn’t even begin to feel anything close to adequate.

[]6/3, 23:41[] Thank you, Spencer. I could never detest you, in the slightest. Everyone keeps telling me I’m not screwing this up, but 

He pauses, not sure if he even believes what he’s about to type. 

At the last second, he switches tactics entirely. Feels a flood gate open. Just one, solitary floodgate in the vast Hoover Dam size wall he keeps up from the moment he shrugs into his suit jacket at home until he sheds it all away at the end of the night. In the confines of his home, with six physical locks on the door and two different digital security systems. With a weapon carefully concealed and childproofed in every room. With steel reinforced windows and no exit save for the front and back doors. A fire hazard, but a good precaution against anyone who would try to break in -- like Foyet had. 

[]6/3, 23:41[] ...I find it so hard to believe them. In some ways it’s hard to believe you, too, but that’s not personal. Your words have resonated more than anyone else’s, if that’s any consolation. Even more than the therapist they assigned after everything. 

[]6/3, 23:45[] My sister-in-law flat out told me I was failing my son, being away like I am, and his teacher believes his home environment isn’t healthy. He’s being bullied in school. I don’t know what to do.

Hotch types it all out and sends it. 

The reply is instantaneous.

[]6/3, 23:46[] Yes, you do. You know exactly what to do. 

And then there isn’t any further elaboration.

At first, Hotch is confused. He feels himself being pulled from that precipice of self-loathing and despair. Tugged by a string. The confusion forces him to look at Spencer’s response, nine words long, and decipher what they mean. 

Trusting his first instinct, once more.

[]6/3, 23:49[] I have to talk to Jack. 

[]6/3, 23:54[] You have heard all of this from everyone other than your son. He may be young, but he is going to know the answer better than his teacher or his aunt. Talk to him, before you start nailing yourself to a cross. You may find the answer to the situation a much easier fix than you are anticipating.

Hotch considers this, thinking about his son. Six-years-old now, first grade, smart as a tack, curious and kind. But so strong, a foundation that even he found himself clinging to sometimes, in the face of the storm of everything that had happened to them. Which is not healthy, and Hotch learned to not do that to him. To instead find solidarity in their relationship, withstanding the storm together. As they always have. 

[]6/3, 23:57[] He’s not one to let a bully have his way. He knows that’s not right. Maybe he has another strategy.

[]6/4, 00:01[] He’s young enough that trying to befriend his abuser would be a good tactic to counter the situation, does that seem like something he would do?

[]6/4, 00:02[] That sounds exactly like Jack. Hotch replies, with a smile finally easing on to his face -- and it feels lighter now. Easier to hold.

[]6/4, 00:04[] He sounds like a sweet kid.

[]6/4, 00:05[] He is. I’m very proud of him.

[]6/4, 00:07[] You really are a great dad, Hotch. I’m not just saying it to say it. 

That crushing, overwhelming feeling has ebbed to nearly nothing -- and with a sudden rush of vertigo it is replaced with gratitude for the old professor lending him his evening hours. It flashes warm and sudden and Hotch isn’t used to that, either. 

[]6/4, 00:08[] I would never expect you to, but thank you.

Even he feels lame for thanking the man for saying such a thing.

[]6/4, 00:10[] You don’t need to thank me, I barely did anything.

[]6/4, 00:11[] But if you ever need to talk, about anything really, I’d be more than happy to do so. 

[]6/4, 00:13[] I promise I can be good at that. The listening part. Day or night, it really doesn’t matter. I’ll always be around.

Hotch pauses at the offer, and then types slow and hesitant.

[]6/4, 00:16[] What if I just want to check in on a friend?

[]6/4, 00:16[] I am also around for that. 

The answer is sudden, without hesitation, and Hotch feels a smile start to ease the muscles in his face. Soften the edges once more.

[]6/4, 00:18[] I wouldn’t mind someone to talk to after a long day. It’s been a while since I’ve had a…

He pauses again, not quite sure if he remembers how to do this without pressing in too fast. Committing to too much, not sure what he is able to give of himself. But he’s already shared more with Dr. Reid in two months than he has with David in the past two years. 

Hotch makes a decision, for himself, for the first time in a long time.

[]6/4, 00:18[] ...It’s been a while since I’ve had a friend outside of the bureau. 

[]6/4, 00:19[] Do I still count if I’m a consultant?

[]6/4, 00:19[] You absolutely count. 

His own message makes him smile, and there’s a beat between messages where he hopes he made the older man smile as well. 

[]6/4, 00:22[] I’m never short on topics of conversation, I warn you. So unless you want a lecture on quantum physics -- how do you feel about chess?

[]6/4, 00:24[] I’m getting the feeling you’ll wipe the floor with me.

[]6/4, 00:25[] Oh, without a doubt. But the desktop app also has a chat feature.

[]6/4, 00:26[] Look at you, all modern and with the times.

[]6/4, 00:28[] My home phone may be a rotary, but even I can’t scoff at the vast reach of online chess. 

[]6/4, 00:28[] So what say you?

Hotch pauses, one final time, and considers the night; the conversation, Spencer’s advice, the way talking about what had happened helped ease the weight of it more than he’d ever anticipated. Then he thinks of the source, of what started it all, and how -- once again -- Dr. Reid was right about a number of things. But one thing in particular. 

[]6/4, 00:32[] I’m going to take your advice and go to my son. But tomorrow night, after he’s in bed, I have many hours to myself.

[]6/4, 00:35[] By no coincidence whatsoever, my evenings are always free. Care to show off those FBI honed deduction skills? My best chess opponents have ironically been FBI agents.

[]6/4, 00:36[] Oh, I’m terrible. Trust me.

[]6/4, 00:37[] I promise I don’t care. Your company is worth however many short games we can endure. 

Hotch smiles, despite himself, and this time doesn’t try to hold it back.

[]6/4, 00:39[] Then, it’s a date.

-

(tbc...)

-

Tagged list: @spencehotchner @ssa-sarahsunshine @gothamapologist @reidology @marsjareau @dragon-snaps-fandom​ @emmyraebird @just-an-emo-rat​​​ @aaron-hotchner187 @dk18077 @more-heid-pls @fakin-it-til-i-make-it @merpancake

[angelicjadamv]

The story so far

One month after graduating high school in 2015 I was finally able to move away from my family. I was 18 and moved to California for college. Fortunately one of the scholarships I earned was accompanied by a summer program that started in the middle of the summer before fall semester. Shortly after settling in a safe, stable environment for the first time in my life I started to get better. A lot better at first. Then life happened, as it does, and 18 years of repressed trauma and abuse broke me. My nervous breakdown ruined my fall semester, I couldn't go to classes or take exams or function as a student anymore. Until this point, being an exceptional student was all I had and basically how I survived. My safe and stable environment now was dependant on maintaining a certain GPA, among other requirements I could no longer meet. I failed one of my main courses because I had a 0 on 2 exams, including the final. When I went home I was put on antipsychotics. Returning to campus for the 2016 spring semester, I attempted to seek more therapy. I wasn't successful in finding a good therapist (for me, therapy is a personal thing. Just because someone isn't a good therapist for me doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad therapist). I did continue to see my 2 psychiatrists (emergency and regular) often as they attempted to adjust my medication to find something that work. My agoraphobia worsened, I stopped sleeping, I could barely eat, I was manic one moment and dissociative the next, SH and suicidal ideation worsened. I was a burden to my friends and loved ones. I made it through this because I had a beautiful support system that I will forever be grateful for, but I ended up taking a leave of absence academically for my second semester, earning no credits and putting my scholarships at further jeopardy. I was allowed to stay on campus because it was clear I was dangerously unstable with no safe environment to return to and because I had incredible advocates looking out for me. I had realized that I wasn't going to get better in time to salvage my academic career and my life, and was mostly clueless as to how I would survive. I had had an internship in my field since I started college, but I earned basically no money. STEM internships aren't really made to be livable for undergrads, so I had mostly been working for experience in a field I would no longer be able to progress in. Bummer. My physical health had taken a huge dive for all of 2016. I basically always knew I was chronically ill, but I had been abused and gaslit my entire life to believe and act like I was fine, I was just a weak baby, I didn't know what real pain or suffering was, seizures were to be ignored, no I didn't have migraines or pinched nerves (um hello SCOLIOSIS), etc etc. And 2016 was the year my body finally started to break, so I knew "regular" jobs weren't going to be a viable option for me, at least not for long.

And thus I became a survival SW. I stayed in college for a final semester, because I didn't want to miss my friends, I loved my campus and didn't know where else to live, I still needed a lot of campus resources. I also kept my internship as long as I could, because I knew I would miss it for the rest of my life. I didn't really go to classes, again, because as much as a desperately wanted to and as much as my advisors moved heaven and earth to try to make it work for me, I couldn't handle it. I was finally able to find 2 great therapists who I started seeing regularly who actually knew how to diagnose and treat me, one at school and one outside. This is also when I met Daddy (Jace) online. After talking for what is probably a stupidly short time, we fell in love and started dating. This is honestly my first real relationship and time actually catching genuine feelings for someone, something that I hadn't thought I was capable of. Despite being happier than I had ever been in so many ways, my mental and physical health was still steadily declining. My migraines and pain were getting worse, I hadn't been able to eat normally in months and relied entirely on medication to eat or sleep at all. Many people recommended mmj at this point in my life, but I was afraid of how it would interact with my other meds. I only smoked occasionally at parties at this point (because no way was I spending my super duper limited money on weed). I wonder if medicating with something that actually worked well for me, like weed, would have allowed me to finish college. Oh well I guess. Because of my inability to attend classes, I had to take another leave for the fall semester 2016. I worked at a strip club briefly, but my health couldn't handle it for long.

I didn't want to go home for the first winter break in 2015, but campus closed and I had nowhere else to go. It was turbulent. When summer 2016 came, I still didn't go home despite having no place to stay. Until a month or so later, it was revealed to me a relative had terminal cancer. I had to go home again. It was worse than turbulent. When winter 2016 came, my relative was in much worse condition. They only had a few months left, and this was probably my last chance to say goodbye. This visit was by far the most traumatic, and more because of my parents than watching a loved one die. At least Jace was able to come meet me for the first time in person. He also got to meet my relative before they passed 🖤

Freshly fucked up by family, I retuned to California at the beginning of 2017. I was mostly taking a break from SW because of my health and was working vanilla jobs as I could (so not much). I had a pretty decent job that I was really good at and had been promoted, but then my relative passed. I started losing consciousness again ( I had many seizures and fainting spells in my childhood and during high school) and had to quit my job. the funeral was in spring 2017, I flew to Jersey to be with Daddy for a few days and then he drove me several states over for the memorial. That was the last time I saw my family. I wanted to transition to online/content creating, but I had no tech knowledge or equipment (even my phone was a potato). In high school I wasn't allowed to have a smartphone, most social media other than what was heavily monitored (and still had 0 experience with platforms sw is popular on besides Tumblr I guess), I didn't really know much about cameras. Way too sheltered and broken to feel like I could start anything. I was now seeing my outside, or I guess regular and only, therapist twice a week and doing treatments that while working for me were insanely (literally) hard. I had been able to get an apartment with roommates at a super discount in return for taking care of their crazy dog, which was a win win for me (he was a good boi just crazy from a bad past and had the worst separation anxiety). The agreement was that I would live with them until the lease was up in September, and then we would reevaluate the situation. Then they both got promoted at their mega corporation jobs. And after their wedding found a really gorgeous apartment in a much fancier part of the city, and paid to break our lease early in June leaving me homeless. I had been fired from my last 2 jobs (probably for being disabled because California is at will employment but who knows I might have been fired from the nanny job because the husband wanted to fuck me). I had no money or anywhere to go. All of my friends were almost as broke as me, so while I had offers to couchsurf at a few of their places they had other roommates who would have been pissed and in a few months they would be going back to school anyways. Daddy and I had been trying to save up to move in together for months, but he was going to move to California. We didn't have any money for that, so instead he asked me to move in with him in New Jersey. Leaving meant I lost my health insurance and my therapist. It was supposed to be much more temporary and we were supposed to move back to California much sooner than we were able to. I try not to be mad at those roommates because being angry doesn't change anything, but it really sucked.

Moving in with Daddy meant we could start our blog! And I was super happy at first, the happiest I could ever remember. But the years had been too hard and my health started to get worse than ever before. Without treatment and so traumatized, my brain and body were constantly at war. I would wake with splitting migraines, throwing up, my chronic pain became completely unmanageable. I started to need weed all the time because it was the only thing that stopped my cyclical vomiting episodes and kept me out of the hospital. My antipsychotics and other meds had been high-key fucking me up (probably shouldn't have been on them in the first place, thank you doctor who also ignored my seizures even when I had one in front of you) and were almost impossible to come off of because the withdrawals. (Seriously, kicking xanax was easier for me than my antipsychotics.) I'm not anti medication or anything, I just know the ones I was on were not good for me anymore. I'd actually like to be on something again, I just need a doctor who actually understands PTSD and DID.

My health continued to be shit for most of 2018, with several ER visits for severe dehydration from vomiting for days on end. We started to make videos and do snapchat and online sessions to be able to make ends meet. Despite being in the worst situation and thus everything being a trizillion times harder, we really loved (and still love 😇) doing SW and creating content. Our fans and clients have been there in some of our darkest moments, just being lovely or pulling through for us when we needed it most. During 2018 and 2019 I became actively suicidal for the first time since I was 13. I struggled with self harm again. I have gotten worse than I ever thought possible. But I wouldn't have made it at all if it wasn't for SW, this community and our supporters.

At the beginning of 2020 we were finally able to move back to California. Obviously, the pandemic severely disrupted many of our plans, especially regarding my recovery. Despite things being delayed or shifted, we are in a much better place currently. I have what I need to get better and I can build a support system again. I will get better.

Talking about things is hard for me. Being open and honest is hard for me. For 18 years I was trained and abused to not be sad or show negative feelings, or talk about upsetting things, and it has been killing me slowly my entire life. I genuinely don't want pity or to make others feel bad, but I do want to give you the chance to get to know me. I don't always talk about things so much. But I'm trying to get better at it.

[sadselfhelp]

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks. 

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me. 

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing. 

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble. 

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one. 

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me. 

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

[pinky-the-elephant-room]

Restart

AN: Ok so I’ve been gone for a while but I’ve hit a milestone in my followers and I decided to write one for my original anime hubby. He’s an oldie but a classic. Everyone loves Kakashi-sensei. Anyway It’s a long one so I hope you enjoy!

Warning: Implied smut but fairly SFW. 

---------------------

Everyone has read the Fanfiction, and everyone has read the stories. Someone mysteriously dies and gets reborn in a new world. Only to train and become a badass before eventually getting their favorite character to fall in love with them. All while changing the story to prevent people, they’ve never met from dying. It was a wish fulfilment story and it works as entertainment. But real life is so much more difficult than anyone realizes.

Because in the end the person I was before never really changed even when I was reborn into a world of ninjas.

My first memory that I can clearly remember is eating ice cream outside my parent’s farm. I was born in a mundane village a few miles from Konoha. Ice cream was a rare summer treat that my parents occasionally indulged me and my five siblings in. It was on this rice farm where I spent the first five years of my childhood. I went to a civilian school that taught me to write and read before spending the rest of my days helping my family. I remembered nothing from my previous life. Just flashbacks and deja vus that left reminiscent feelings lurking in the back of my mind. Kanji was unexpectedly hard for me versus my sibling who picked it up with ease. Yet, when I finally grasped the language, I kept journals of writings not knowing that it was a passion resembling my former self. I also never understood my connection with cats. I was known as the resident cat girl that went around picking up stray cats to bring back to our farm. And the cats formed a bond, only tolerating me and hissing at everyone else who dared to approach them.

The peaceful years unfortunately didn’t last. Over the years war and bandits took a toll on our quiet town and maintaining a farm was no longer profitable. So, my parents made the decision to sell off their land and move to Konoha. Though, my parents were apprehensive, me and my sibling were ecstatic at living in a shinobi village. Everyone knew of shinobis, the legends surrounding them. Tales of bravery, heartache, and loyalty, it fascinated the residents of the village.

We moved into Konoha early August just before winter arrived and were citizens after 3 months. The process was short due to our lack of shinobi lineage and arriving from a civilian farm town. It was in Konoha that I really got my first exposure to what shinobis actually were. Seeing them jump off the roofs while my father tended his produce stall was mesmerizing. Playing ninja with the rest of the kids and constantly being surrounded by the hype eventually got to the point where I wanted to become a ninja myself. Along with two of my younger siblings, I begged my parents to attend the academy. They eventually relented when they realized the village offered funding for civilian children to attend. I was the only one out of my siblings to pass the entrance exam. I was the only one physically fit enough where they thought I had potential. when I left for that first day, it led to some tantrums and pouting from my siblings who didn’t make it. They eventually overcame their jealousy. They loved to hear about each and every new jutsu that I learned.

It was at the academy when I first saw him. It was him who destroyed my delusions and awakened my suppressed memories. It was Itachi Uchiha. Yet, despite his young age he kept up with the rest of his older classmates. He was only 5 years old, a prodigy amongst prodigies. When I saw his cherub, cute face for the first time, it gave me a headache. It started off as a numbing sensation on the side of my head. I collapsed on my bed from the exhaustion, closing my eyes because the blurred vision made the pain that much worse. I slept off my headache for the rest of the day. And all my previous memories were unlocked.

I was a boring human being. A lazy person who had a multitude of mental issues that barely survived off my paycheck. Got married to an equally mundane individual and by the time we were 30, the passion had worn off. We never got divorced, too afraid of dating again and leaving our two children without each other. The only happiness that kept me grounded was my writing and my hobbies. Growing up I loved anime and lessened as I grew up with more and more responsibility. But Naruto was my childhood and coping mechanism when I got bullied. And out of Naruto was my favorite character, Itachi Uchiha.

I don’t think I need to explain why anyone likes Itachi. From his tragic background and his love for his younger brother. Once as a naïve girl, I wanted to find someone like him or at least wished for a brother who loved his younger siblings like he did. And now somehow those desires came true. Because he sat only 3 rows away. Coupled with my new body’s memories of admiration for the young boy and along with my love and knowledge of what he was going to do in the future, made me yearn for him.

Not in a weird, sexual way. After all, I was still only 8 and he 5, but I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be his confidant and most of all I wanted to save him.

When I spotted him alone at a lunch break, I decided to go introduce myself. This was going to be the new beginning of a friendship and hopefully more down the lane.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves before approaching the quiet boy.

“Hello, are you Itachi-kun? Nice to meet you! I’m L/N Y/N and I sit behind you,” I cheerfully said and waved at him excitedly.

He blinked slowly and stared at me for a few minutes.

“Yes…. Nice to meet you too,” he uttered.

He stared at me for a few more minutes, making the situation more and more awkward. I let out a nervous chuckle and shuffled my feet at his intense gaze.

Itachi raised his eyebrow as if asking if I wanted anything else.

“Well I-“ I began, but was interrupted by a loud screech.

A boy collided with Itachi and knocked him over. The two tussled for a few minutes, the unknown boy laughing gleefully. While Itachi just sighed and dodged his rambunctious friend.

“Oy! Itachi, did you bring an extra bento that Mikoto-sama prepared?” The boy looked up and I stopped breathing.

It was a clearly healthy and alive, Shisui Uchiha. After a few minutes as the boys conversed, Shisui finally noticed me standing awkwardly in front of them.

He looked at me curiously and asked, “who are you?”

“That’s just my classmate. Anyway, Shisui I have my bento over there. Come,” the solemn boy said. The two boys then left while I just watched wide eyed.

Ok, so the first introduction didn’t go as I planned but I tried multiple times. However, each attempt was just as awkward as the first as I stammered and squirmed in front of Itachi’s inquisitive gaze. Apparently, my inept skills at talking to boys had somehow labeled me as a fangirl, I overheard the young boy tell his cousin.

Once after class, I watched a pretty Izumi clutch a content Itachi as he conversed with Shisui. The three Uchiha unaware of the turmoil in my heart as they went home for the day happily. I realized that day Itachi didn’t have a place for me. This world had no place for me because I was never meant to be here. This story wasn’t mine and it was never going to be.

I never tried again to attempt a conversation, too embarrassed by being called a fangirl. Before I knew it, the year was over and Itachi had graduated early along with his talented cousin. Farther away from my reach than ever, I again realized the difference between myself and the genius. I was still stuck in the academy at 9 years old with my peers. Most of all I knew in the depths of my heart that I couldn’t save him from his fate. Reality was much more bitter than anyone realized.

As for me I finally graduated on my birthday and my parents took us all out for yakitori at a restaurant. I was still going to try my hardest to be the best shinobi I possibly could be. At least if I couldn’t save Itachi and the Uchiha from the inevitable, which I doubt most people in my place could.

Unfortunately for me, my hardest didn’t amount to much. My sensei was a young impatient Genma who ironically had a toothpick in his mouth instead of a senbon. Let me summarize it for you, my team failed. Miserably. I stood there in horror, watching as my hopes and dreams for the future dissolved right in front of me. I rushed after Genma, pleading, and begging for another chance. Even resorting to full on ugly crying while he stood looking painfully uncomfortable.

“Please! I just wanna make a difference!” I begged as tears dripped down my face.

He sighed. “Fine! Just please stop crying. You’re embarrassing yourself and me.”

Genma recommended me for the Genin corps. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I also didn’t want to go back to academy. I figured if I spent a year on the corps, I could eventually find myself a Genin team before advancing onto Chunin.

However, once again what actually happened was far from my expectation. I didn’t spend a year or 2 years. I spent 7 years on the Genin corps. S-E-V-E-N. Years. I even spent a year on a Genin team when I was 13 only to realize my potential compared to my peers was very low. Don’t get me wrong my reincarnated body was ten times healthier and in shape than my previous coach potato one. I could barely run a mile in my previous life whereas now I could run 3 miles. However, that achievement paled in comparison to the average ninja. No matter what I did, whether it was taijutsu, genjutsu, or even ninjutsu was dull compared to everyone else. My punches lacked force, I didn’t have enough chakra for the higher level jutsus, and I couldn’t even tell the difference between a basic genjutsu to a complicated one.

Basically, I sucked, so I stuck to Genin corps. For the money of course, it paid pretty well in comparison to civilian jobs. I bought an apartment at 15 and I was able to provide for myself. But the crushing truth took a toll on my mental health. I just spend the time where I wasn’t working in my bed. I barely had energy to feed myself. I didn’t snap out of until I got straightened out by my mother.

“Y/N! When was the last time you took a bath or had a proper night sleep?!” Okasan yelled when she made an impromptu visit to my apartment.

I shrugged and took a bite of my rice ball that Okasan so nicely prepared for me.

“Look, I know being a ninja was your goal. But not everything in life works out. And not everyone has to be a shinobi to have a good life!” she said as her eyes softened.

“But what else am I supposed to do? I’ve been training to be a shinobi since I was 8 years old and none of the other jobs pay so generously,” I replied dully.

Okasan reached over and patted my hand. “Well, you don’t have to quit being a Genin just yet. Try new things or figure what else you want to do before you retire. Hell, when was the last time you had a hobby? You don’t even write like you use to.”

I considered it, maybe I could take up calligraphy or start writing again like I used to. I haven’t written anything down since I made Genin.

“Alright, I’ll think about it. But I’m not promising anything,” I grumbled.

“As long as you snap out of this funk and start taking care of yourself is all I ask for, Y/N” Okasan said with a soft smile.

It took a while after that conversation, but little by little I started to put in effort again. I cut my shaggy hair into an acceptable style, showered every day, and ate my meals on time. I even adopted a little stray off the streets that made itself home in my small apartment. One night coming home after my late shift, I stopped by a bookstore to buy a sturdy journal. I started off by journaling my daily life before letting my creative mind drift. In my previous life, I was a self-published erotica writer that basically did it for fun. Maybe it was something I could attempt again.

There were many drafts before I settled on a topic that I felt passionate about. In the Elemental nations, they idealized a woman who waited. Just take the bestselling Icha Icha novel for example, it involved a ninja who abandoned his wife because he was scared his enemies would target her. He spent the entire novel hoeing his way through the countries, only to realize he was still in love with his wife. The wife, who by the way, spent years celibate and faithfully waiting for her husband. That novel made me infuriatingly mad because it highlighted the double standards of the world I was born in so well. Hell, even in the future Sakura and Hinata would waste their lives, faithfully waiting on the men they love to reciprocate their feelings.

So, for my novel I decided to juxtapose those stereotypes by writing a novel about a woman named Sayaka whose boyfriend would break up with her, unknowing she was pregnant with his child. She spends her life trying to provide for her child, only for him to be kidnapped because he had a rare keikei genkai. She hires a local mercenary (Mahiro) except he’s not interested in her money but rather her. The rest of the plot was not decided yet, but I would see where it goes and plan accordingly.

The more I wrote the better I felt and the disappointment that was my career no longer felt like a death sentence. Without a laptop or anything to help me write, I had to resort to buying a used typewriter. Still I would rush home each day, excited to write another chapter. Or to get lost in the filthy world of the mercenary and desperate mother. There weren’t a lot of people I could trust to edit so I spent months editing and reediting until I had the best version of my novel. And then when I was done, I had no idea what to do with it. Did I really want to become an erotica author in this world? As violent as it was, the Elemental nations were still conservative regarding sexuality. There were many female readers who loved Icha Icha but didn’t show it in public because it was seen as a dirty book for old men. After much deliberation, I decided to contact publishing agencies that weren’t affiliated with Icha Icha.

Waiting for their responses took months and many rejections before my novel was picked up by a small agency that mostly published Nonfiction. The agency would send an editor to talk about contracts and the novel itself to Konoha. So, by my 18th birthday, I was anxiously awaiting where else fate would take me.

The editor and I had decided on a family restaurant to meet up and I dressed in my best clothes to give off the optimum impression. I really wanted this to work out for me. For once.

It didn’t take long before a harried young man in a suit came in and looked around anxiously.

“Nino-san! Over here!” I called out and waved my hand to get his attention.

He looked at me in surprise and sat down across from me.

“Uh, hello. Excuse me can you tell when Y/N-san will arrive? I’m kind of on a deadline.”

I looked at him weirdly. “Um, I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you,” I said cautiously.

He stuttered wildly, blushing as he pointed at me. “B-be serious! No way are you her! You’re way too young to be writing such a – “

“Filthy, dirty novel?” I finished wryly.

He shook his head vigorously. “No! I meant such a hardcore erotica! I-I’m so sorry that came out wrong.”

I just laughed. “It’s ok. I’m a shinobi, we age faster than we look due to the trauma.”

We spent the next hour talking about the novel itself and how it would be promoted.

“So, Y/N-san. Our agency usually doesn’t deal with erotica. But your novel has a good chance to sell well if someone promoted it correctly. We want this to be known as the Icha Icha for women.”

I felt my eyebrows furrow. “Isn’t that a little presumptuous? Won’t I just get hate if I don’t live up to the expectations?”

The man let out a chuckle. “That’s true but I don’t think most people will be disappointed by it. Besides it’s very important for new authors to get their name out there. Maybe for future sequels we can tone it down, but for the first one we want to start off with a bang! Any publicity is better than none,” he reasoned.

Realizing the editor might have a point, I agreed and signed a contract with the publishing agency. The novel was due to be out December which is 6 months from now on. For the first time in a while I had achieved my goals. I had managed something without it going terribly wrong.

I got a small sum of money when I signed the contract, but I really wouldn’t be to collect royalties until the book was published. So, for the rest of my time I diligently did my job as a Genin by delivering messages and other nonsense jobs that were left over. As I avoided the shinobi bars that were filled with accomplished Chunins and Jounins, I promised myself that I would never again be embarrassed to walk these streets again. For the past few years, I had kept my eyes down as I walked through the villages as I got older and older, yet I still remained a Genin.

‘Please no more. Give me something to be proud of.’ I begged in my mind. Even if it meant a trashy porn, I was so low on self-esteem, anything would be worthwhile.

Luckily for me, it seemed like 18 years of bad karma was finally going to be turned around as the date to publish my novel got closer and closer. The agency hadn’t lied, they promoted my novel almost aggressively. Every bookstore had huge advertisement declaring the next big hit. Though, I had giggled almost manically when I saw the book’s cover for the first time. It reminded me of the many trashy novels from my previous life with the man’s shirtless abs on display with a beautiful woman clinging. However, for my novel it was obviously a rogue shinobi with his chest on display as a young girl clutched his biceps. Scarlet Heart series was the name I had chosen, and it stood out on the erotic cover. I saw many curious women fluttering around the display, almost shy in showing their interest. I even saw a man pulling away his pregnant wife as she read the synopsis, muttering angrily to himself.  

When the launch of the book occurred, I holed myself in my apartment. I tried to relax and keep myself busy so I wouldn’t be too occupied with the reactions. I even took an entire week off from my usual work, feigning sickness in my family. I hung out with my oldest brother and his newborn son, trying to reacquaint myself with the siblings that I had long neglected.

I met up later with my editor to discuss how the book was faring, hopefully it did decent enough that I could have reason to continue my story. We met up at the same restaurant as before and Nino gave me a brilliant smile that quelled my fears.

“Y/N-san, your book’s sales did amazing in Konoha followed by Iwa and Kumo. The marketing towards women paid off because most of the sales came from women in their 20s to 40s. Heck, there were even a substantial amount from men who were curious. I think you should definitely continue this series. Do you have an idea where you’re going to take the story?” he gushed with excitement.

I sighed with relief, “I’m glad. I was so worried about the response I didn’t even go near any bookstores! As for sequels I have an inkling. I still have to work out everything, but I want to introduce Sayaka’s ex-boyfriend and maybe dabble in a proper love triangle.”

Nino-san nodded and said, “you should be careful how you write that triangle though. Some love triangles can get tedious and annoying, but it does play its part well in keeping the audience’s interest.”

Nino-san and I eagerly discussed the future for Scarlet Heart. I felt a flutter in my heart, knowing that for the first in forever I had something to look forward to.

 Time Skip~ 1-year Kakashi POV:

Really with everything he had endured in his life, you would think the world would be willing to give him a break, right? Nope!

Most think it started with Obito’s death, but he thought it started with his father’s suicide that really began the downward spiral. Nevertheless, after his teammate’s death, he and Rin had rushed into a presumably “relationship”. But really it was a way to keep her close, so he didn’t lose anyone else. They never even kissed though he knew Rin desperately wanted to do all the things that couples do. But he remained closed off in those four months before she was killed. By him no less.

Afterwards included him coping with his trauma by joining Anbu (and for a short while Root). His sensei became Hokage; but even he would pass away along with his wife, leaving behind a tiny blond sacrifice for the village to turn their resentment against.

But he was getting ahead himself months before Rin’s death Jiraiya-sama had approached him with a gift.

Jiraiya gave him an exaggerated wink and giggled. “Here gaki. You’re so depressed that Minato and Kushina keep thinking they might have to stage an intervention. But what you need is a distraction and I have just the thing!”

He had handed over a book with a bright red cover before hopping roof to roof all the while laughing obnoxiously.

He took it with a surge of curiosity, emotions he hadn’t felt in a while since Obito tragically passed away (AKA crushed by a boulder, but he digresses).

That started his love, well more like obsession, with the Icha Icha series. First, he was revolted and ashamed, eager to find the Sannin and perhaps show him the effectiveness of his Chidori. But over time his curiosity couldn’t be contained, and he finished the naughty book in two days. He noticed how when he was occupied with the book, he hadn’t once thought of Obito and everything that was wrong with his life. Of course, he had a girlfriend then so he couldn’t risk being seen with the book outside of his humble apartment. But a year after Rin’s death, he ventured out with his hobby. The reactions of the general public had amused him beyond belief and a strange sense of vindictive righteousness set upon seeing his Anbu kohais’ reactions.

The reactions only encouraged him to read everywhere and anywhere. He even managed to piss off Gai once as the incensed man ran away to do a 100 more laps around the village. It didn’t last long before he reappeared to challenge Kakashi once more, but Kakashi appreciated the brief reprieve.

Anyway, the point of this rather tragic flashback wasn’t to gain sympathy for himself, but to showcase the real injustice that occurred at his tender age of 25. His beloved Icha Icha had a rival apparently. Which was bullshit, obviously. He wasn’t blind to the errors of the pornographic novel. The plot was simple, characters were paper-thin, and as more novels debuted in the series, the more apparent the similarities between each novel became. But the series was fast moving, the sex was incredibly detailed and arousing, and the series was frankly addicting. Once someone became a fan, it was impossible not to reach for the next one.

So, when he heard about this supposed series that was going to rival Icha Icha, he had scoffed and rolled his eyes. Many contenders claimed the same thing before they faded off into oblivion when everyone realized the superiority of Icha Icha. The first four months of the series’ debut he made it his mission to ignore all the hype and kept rereading his collection. After all, when the next issue of Icha Icha released, everyone would forget the hype of this wannabe.

Unfortunately, the world never adheres to his expectations and loves to fuck him over every chance it got. Kakashi, once again, had failed another Genin team because Hokage-sama thought he had potential as a sensei. He must have been smoking that pipe too much lately. The rest of his fellow Jounin invited him to a bar where he reluctantly agreed and was dragged off by Asuma.

They settled in and ordered some drinks, while Kakashi read his book, half listening to the conversation around him.

“I’m telling you this book is really good. I know people say it’s for women, but it’s so much more than that.” Kurenai persuaded Genma who just looked skeptical.

“Even Asuma liked it!” She pointed to the smoker who just looked embarrassed at the sudden attention.

Asuma cleared his voice a couple times. “Well, it’s not that bad at all. It kept me busy for a couple of hours for a few days.”

Kurenai rolled her eyes at him. “He loved it. He told me he did.”

Kakashi’s interest peaked and he lowered his book down.

“Wait, are you talking about that new series that everyone’s losing their minds over?”

Kurenai’s eyes lit up and she looked eager rather than the calm, collected Jounin she usually was.

“Yeah, you read it Kakashi? I never thought for once you would put down that trash and try something else.”

Kakashi felt his ire rise and his single visible eyesmiled at the red eyed kunoichi.

“Why Kurenai doesn’t that book also have porn in it? Doesn’t that mean you read trash too?”  

Kurenai’s cheeks heated up. “Well, it does but it’s also about a betrayed woman who learns to love again and honestly it’s much more nuanced than whatever Icha Icha achieved in its six sequels.”

Kakashi felt his eyebrows rise. He highly doubted that, but he couldn’t help but add in.

“And how do you know what’s in Icha Icha?”

The blush on Kurenai’s face deepened. “I might have read it but only because Anko forced me to. To ‘loosen’ up or whatever that means.”

Their fellow Jounin chuckled as Kurenai tossed back a drink as she tried to cool her overheated face.

The conversation moved on mercifully for the embarrassed woman, but Kakashi also lost his interest and he returned to the passage where Misaki was educating her lover on the preciseness of oral sex.

Kakashi hoped that would be the last time he ever heard of that book. But again, the hype for this novel continued. He spotted more women with erotica in their hands than he ever did in his lifetime. Even kunoichi seemed to have lost their minds as the book was the hot topic no matter where he went. Even the Hokage’s secretary was seen reading the porn while she was on the job. He was sick and tired of hearing about this supposedly incredible book. Kakashi just wanted to read his book in peace can’t the village go back to a time where it wasn’t consumed by porn?

Kakashi sighed as another day passed and yet another Genin team failed. When will Hokage-sama finally get the message he just wasn’t cut out for teaching? He sighed with relief as he flipped the entrance banner of Ichikaru Ramen and sat down on one of the stools.

“Just a miso ramen. Thanks,” he called out tiredly. Kakashi looked around the restaurant and was surprised to see another person at the other end. He barely noticed her; her chakra presence wasn’t much. She was just in a plain white t shirt and some pants. A civilian he guessed. Kakashi turned back when his order was placed in front of him. He stealthily looked around the restaurant and saw no one was paying attention to him. He pulled down his mask and started eating his meal. It was nice not to eat in big gulps for once lest someone saw his face.

When he was halfway through his meal, he heard the sound of someone turning pages and muttering. He turned around to see his neighbor writing in her book and she seemed to be fairly frustrated. Just as Kakashi was about to turn around and mind his business, he noticed that the book was the infamous Scarlet Hearts. He internally groaned. Really? Just how bad was his luck?

“Is the book any good?” He called out to the young girl.

Oh, damn why was he getting her attention? Abort!  Abort! This day didn’t consist of making polite conversations with a civvie.

Just as he was about to maybe perform a last minute shunshin, the girl looked up at him and stared at him in surprise.

He felt nervous when she just kept staring at him for a while. Did she recognize him as the “friend killer” and infamous “copycat ninja”?

“Uh- Hello?” He waved his hands in front of her face.

The girl looked startled and flushed. “Oh, sorry. I got lost in thought. What was your question again?”

Kakashi pointed at her book and asked, “the book, is it as good as the hype says it is?”

She just seemed even more startled by the fact that he was asking about her book. “W-well, I’m not sure about other people’s opinions. But it’s worth reading just for curiosity’s sake. I found it pretty good.”

Kakashi stared at the awful book, wishing he could set it on fire just by glaring at it. “See, I don’t see why people are comparing it to Icha Icha. It can’t possibly be that good!”

“I kind of have to agree on that. The marketing really didn’t do it justice,” the girl muttered.

Kakashi tilted his head towards the younger girl and sent a relaxed smile her way. “Ah, thank you. Finally, someone who understands.”

The girl shook her head. “I meant trying to compare the two books wasn’t a good idea. They’re two different books, the only thing they have in common is that they both have explicit scenes.”

Seeing the confused look on his face, the girl further elaborated. “Icha Icha is intended for a one type of audience and it does its job well. There’s nothing wrong with that after all it has an ardent fan in you. But I feel like Scarlet Heart can be enjoyed by any mature individual. And for me what’s the most important thing is that it portrays its women realistically. Icha Icha is based off this fantasy, ideal type of woman who doesn’t have any drama of her own and goes around solving the male character’s issues. Or she’s a passive victim in the overall story for the hero to win over. This heroine in Scarlet Heart is cynical, hard to get to know due to her past. The male character is a typical chauvinistic guy who thinks he can have anyone he wants. But over time as they get to know each other the layers fall apart to show two lonely people who’ve been waiting for someone to connect to.”

Kakashi looked at the girl critically who sent a tentative smile to him after her long explanation. Her features were quite plain and at first glance she wasn’t anything exceptional to look at. But her smile lit up her entire face.  He thought over her words, no one had ever explained the book quite like that. But then again, he never gave them the time to explain either. Perhaps, he was wrong to do so.

“Here maybe you would like to form an opinion yourself and see if it holds up,” she said as she handed over her own copy of Scarlet Heart.

He grabbed it from her grip, touching her soft hands by accident, quickly pulling away. “Are you sure? Weren’t you writing in it earlier?”

With a cute prominent blush, she replied, “it’s fine I bought that paperback copy to write in. I have another one at home. You can keep it. If we meet again tell me what you thought of it.”

Kakashi nodded and put the book with his Icha Icha in the weapon pouch on his hip.

“Mah, I’m sure we will. By the way what’s your name? After all, when I see you next time, I have to thank the person who will put up with my complaints.”

“Oh, I’m L/N Y/N. Nice to meet you,” she said with another bright grin aimed his way.

Ignoring the unconscious shivers that erupted on his body, he returned it with another one of his patent fake smiles.

“Hatake Kakashi. Nice to meet you as well, Y/N-san.”

The conversation died a few minutes later and he paid for his meal before leaving for his lonesome apartment. Maybe today the lonely dwelling won’t be so bad to deal with, what with new reading material the night might just pass by really quickly.

   Return to Reader’s POV

You know when I began my porn writing journey in the Naruto world, I never for a second thought I would attract Kakashi’s attention. I mean I knew he read porn, but I honestly thought he would stay attached to Icha Icha forever. In the anime, he still read the book even years after Jiraiya’s death, so it just goes to show how much of a devoted fan he was.

When I met him accidently in Ichikaru Ramen, I was in a state of shock. I’m pretty sure he thought I was just another weird fangirl. ‘Just like Itachi.’ I couldn’t help but think.

But him asking about my novel and actually pouting about the attention it gained made me giggle even hours later. Still giving away the novel I was rereading to spot mistakes and plot holes was bold. I genuinely hoped he liked the novel; it would be a huge compliment if I managed to change his perspective. I know I wasn’t ever going to change his mind about Icha Icha, but he had plenty of money to support both series. I probably wasn’t ever going to see him again, but it was nice to interact with a canon character for once without entirely embarrassing myself.

I shook off the excitement from interacting with the scarecrow sensei and tried to focus on brainstorming my second novel. The love triangle was going to become much more integral in this part and I was going have to work extra hard to make readers sympathize and like Shoutaro. Because many of my readers were already enamored with the hotheaded, flirtatious mercenary with a heart of gold, Mahiro. The best way to build the triangle was to showcase pros and cons of both men. Thereby making the triangle stronger and give readers something to root for. While there would be only one man who would get the girl, I wanted readers to feel conflicted between the two men. However, to keep the choice from happening out of nowhere, I also had to hint throughout the novel why Mahiro and Sayaka was the best choice. So, by the third novel when Sayaka made her choice, it wouldn’t seem like it happened out of nowhere. Indeed, the sequel was harder to write than the first one because I had high expectations to overcome this time. Brainstorming even took longer than normal. Though, it was challenging, I decided needed a break and took a trip to the markets to finally restock my empty fridge.

Slowly I made my way through the vegetable stalls and tried to pick out the ripest ones. Most people usually tried to barter the prices. However, since the massive royalties I had more money than I knew what to do with and so I paid the full amount at each stall. Most of the produce stalls were run by elderly couples and they needed the money for their livelihood.

I bowed to an obasan and thanked her when she gave a few extra tomatoes after I paid.

“You know most people would try to barter the prices down to a fair price,” a deep voice interrupted just as I was about to walk away.

I jumped and almost dropped my produce. A steady hand gripped my hips and set me right. I looked up to the masked, silver haired Jounin. I blushed, feeling his strong hands on my body. His single eye widened a bit before he relaxed and let go of me.

“You ok?” he asked.

“Y-yes, thank you. Hatake-san,” I stuttered and bowed my head.

“Ma, no need to call me Hatake-san. That makes me feel older than people think I am.” He said as he waved off my gratitude.

“Hai, K-kakashi-san then. What are you doing here? No offense but I didn’t realize that elite shinobis had time to shop and cook for themselves.”

It was true from what I heard. All elite shinobi, especially men, rarely cooked for themselves relying on easy to make or restaurants meals to get them through the day. Some even ate rations to forgo meals in a rush.

Kakashi raised his eyebrow at me. “Well, I was actually looking for you. I’ve finished the book you loaned me after a week. It’s only right to return it.”

I shook my head. “It’s alright. I told you to keep it didn’t I?”

I felt my head get hit lightly by something. I looked up to see it was my paperback novel. When did he pull that out? Did he have it on him all this time and I didn’t noticed it until now?

“You’re quite stubborn, aren’t you? Let’s just say I needed an excuse to find my partner in crime and tell her my opinion of the book.”

I sighed, realizing that I couldn’t get away from his rant that he will no doubt tell me with relish on how much he hated the book.

“Alright, but I have to put my groceries away.” I said lifting my bags.

“It’s fine. As long as it isn’t milk or meat it wouldn’t be spoiled for a few hours. Come on, I’ll treat you to some dango.” He walked away slightly slouched and relaxed with his hands in his pockets.

I looked after him helplessly, hesitating on whether I should follow or not.

“You better follow him, jou-chan. He’s quite handsome,” the obasan said as she helped another customer. A few giggles slipped out from the customer and I felt my cheeks go hot from embarrassment. I bowed and thanked the elderly lady again before following the Jounin.

I caught up to him in no time, we both walked silently before we came onto the small stand that was selling the sweet.

Kakashi told me to take a seat on a bench nearby as he grabbed the sweets. I put down my groceries near me as I waited for my companion to return.

He came back with two skewers of dango and handed me one while he held onto the other one.

“So, what did you think of the novel?” I asked as I took a bite of the dango.

“I hate it to admit it but it’s good. Not better than Icha Icha of course, but it’s better than some of the others that tried to ride the coattails of Icha Icha.”

I felt a burst of butterflies inside my stomach and I leaned forward eagerly. “Really?!! What did you like it about it specifically?”

He seemed amused at my enthusiasm. “Ah, well I liked how the author built up the romance. They didn’t have sex right away, but when they did it made sense-“

I felt my heartbeat increase and my ears felt hot when I heard the word sex come out of Kakashi’s mouth. How did I ever not know how nice his deep voice was? I bet he would be really good at dirty talk—Ahh, nononono. That was not a good topic to think about while you’re talking to the man. I bit my lip to concentrate on what Kakashi was trying to tell me.

“And I like how the female characters made smart decisions and acted cautiously instead of getting kidnapped all the time. It made them seem like real people instead of plot conveniences.” He finished with an eyesmile.

I returned his smile, liking that he appreciated the portrayal of the female characters. Some of the detractors apparently didn’t like the more rounded characters and felt they should just be used as sauce instead of being the main dish.

“Do you prefer the woman in Scarlet Hearts or Icha Icha?” I asked playfully.

He narrowed his eyes at my tone. “Weeeell, the women in Icha Icha are much more beautiful, but the women in Scarlet Heart are more attainable than the ones in Icha Icha.”

I let out a laugh. “That’s nice to hear. But I’m pretty sure that Sayaka isn’t a real person. Sorry, Kakashi-san.”

He let out a disappointed sigh. “I guess I will have to safeguard my heart until I can find someone close to her then.”

I snorted knowing Kakashi would remain single even at the end of the series where everyone was getting married and having kids.

“What? You think it’s hopeless?”

I just sent him an innocent smile and said,” I have no idea what you’re talking about Kakashi-san.”

Me and Kakashi stayed for a few more minutes before I decided to head home. Kakashi stuck close to me, telling me he would keep me company until I arrived. He looked surprise at the neighborhood I was living in. The small apartment I was previously inhabited was now upgraded to an upscale three-bedroom apartment. It was a safe neighborhood that was occupied by wealthy merchants and high-ranking shinobis. I ignored his reaction and continued to walk toward my apartment.

When I had trouble trying to juggle my groceries and trying to grab my keys from my purse, Kakashi stepped in to grab my bags. I thanked him and opened the door. He casually walked in and left the bags in the kitchen at my directions.

“Would you like some tea? I think some tea would be good with the sweets we just had.” Kakashi just nodded in agreement as he looked around my apartment. The tiny stray who I adopted became a giant, fluffy monster who was now sniffing Kakashi’s feet and rubbing against his legs.

I giggled and left to make some iced sencha green tea. I tried not to let my excitement that THE Hatake Kakashi was standing in my living room, distract me from being a good host. I filled the glass with tea and dropped some ice cubes in it before putting it on a tray and bringing it out to the living room.

“Kakashi-san? Here’s your tea,” I called out happily and looking up to see Kakashi’s back.

I furrowed my eyebrows when he didn’t respond. “Kakashi-san?” He was still turned around and looking at something.

I put the tray down on a coffee table and approached the unresponsive Jounin. I looked down to see papers in his hand and felt my face pale drastically.

“A-ahhh! That’s not for your eyes!” I laughed hysterically and snatched my papers from his hands. I quickly took all my notes and notebooks which I brainstormed in and dropped them off in my bedroom. With a head full of excuses as to why I had Scarlet Heart’s sequel on the sofa, I made my way back to Kakashi.

“You’re the author of Scarlet Heart?”Was the first thing he asked when he saw my face. I felt my face heat up.

“U-um, no! That was just me amateurly writing as to what I think will happen in the future!”

He shot me a serious look. “Do you think I’m stupid? That was the first chapter all neatly written down. And the character profiles of future characters like her ex-boyfriend are all filled out accurately. Plus, you’re a single young girl that’s living in such a rich neighborhood which many people can’t afford unless they have some serious cash. Cash from a recently released erotica maybe?”

His intense gaze made me sweat profusely and I couldn’t hold eye contact for more than a minute.

“Yes. Yes, I’m the author of Scarlet Hearts.” I whispered, looking at the ground.

I quickly gazed back at him when I heard a snort. Kakashi gave me an incredulous look.

“I can’t believe it. Even though I saw it with my own eyes. You’re so young! How old are you, 16?”

I pouted, puffing out my cheeks. “I’m 19! Besides you’re a shinobi what does age even matter? You’re a legal adult when you’re a Genin!”

Kakashi let out a chuckle and softly patted my head. “I know that but you’re a civilian so it’s different.”

I bit my lips deciding whether to tell him I was actually a former Genin corps. Deciding I didn’t need the genius looking at me in pity, I didn’t correct him.

“Well, now that you know. Please keep this a secret, ok? I just want to live in anonymity and write my books. Hence the pen name.”

Kakashi agreed and messed with my hair some more.

“You got it, Y/N-chan.” I blushed at the added chan in my name.

He downed his iced tea in a hurry when an Anbu appeared at the window with a mission for him. I watched with amazement as Kakashi disappeared with a shunshin and then scowled heavily looking at all the leaves on the floor of my apartment.

“Note to self. Do not let elite shinobi shunshin in and out of my apartment,” I grumbled to myself as I swept up.

Kakashi’s POV 2

You know how once you find out something about someone it changes how you look at them. He was now intensely curious about Y/N. He figured she was a normal innocent girl, but boy was he wrong about everything. How was he supposed to know that the sex scenes that had him riveted to the point that he took a shower to calm himself before he resumed reading was written by a cherub slip of a girl? After his discovery Kakashi was unable to leave her alone. He frequently took time out of day when he wasn’t on a mission or training his helpless cute team (he had a team now!!), he was spending time with Y/N. It was kind of weird at first after all he went out of his way to avoid human contact, but in this case, he wanted to know what made her tick. All her favorite things and her habits. Kakashi wanted to know what made her sad or what made her be flushed with happiness.

Most of all he wanted to know how she came up with all the scenarios in her novel. But even he knew that if he asked her bluntly, she would no doubt kick him out of her apartment and refuse to speak to him again. It also didn’t help that his imagination went wild each time he saw her. All those scenarios would inappropriately pop up in his head and she would star in all of them. The blush on her face gave him a good idea on how she would look with her eyes dilated and with him on top. Whenever that happened the excitement coursing through would become prominent and he had to take a few breaths to calm him down. Imagining Gai in a bikini always did the trick for him.

Kakashi, after months of speculation, came to one conclusion as why Y/N was so fascinating. He wanted her. He wanted her in a way that men who were attracted to women did. In a way that meant commitment and all the mushy feelings. He groaned at that idea, Kakashi so didn’t want to act like Minato-sensei whenever he was around his hot-headed wife.

He could just ignore the feelings; he was quite good at ignoring all the turmoil inside of him. But his crisis shinobi therapist said he could no longer do that. He had to solve his lingering issues if he wanted to move forward with his life like his survivor’s guilt and his unresolved issues with his dead father. So that meant he had to make it obvious to Y/N that he liked her. Should he shout his youthful love on the top of the Hokage mountain at early in the morning like Gai would do? Kakashi chuckled at the novel idea. Ok, he was trying to get her to date him not run away from him. Luckily for him, fate decided to not be a bitch this time and give Y/N a nudge.

Kakashi was inside of her apartment like he usually was nowadays with her round monster of a cat on his lap. He absentmindedly patted the feline as he purred away like no one’s business. His ninken weren’t happy with him lately, but they will have to put up with it because Y/N was going to be around him for a long time if he had anything to say about it. He looked at Y/N who was hard at work on her second novel, typing away at the machine she called a typewriter. No matter what Kakashi did today, he wasn’t able to get her attention. She was intensely focused on the sex scenes apparently, which was a shame. Because he was right here, and she could be doing much more than just imagining it.

A mischievous idea popped into his head.

“So, Y/N-chan,” he called out.

She responded with a distracted “hm”.

“Do those explicit parts have any truth to them?”

That got the attention of Y/N and she turned around with a confused look.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean most people write about what they know. So, I’m asking if you have attempted anything from the books you write?”

Kakashi had pride within himself for the many ways he made Y/N blush. But the flush on her cheeks, ears, and her neck had no rival with the way her eyes seem to swirl with embarrassment.

“Kakashi-kun! I-I-. You can’t just ask that!”

“It’s true though. Everyone does research for their novels. Especially Jiraiya-sama,” he stated nonchalantly despite his eyes beaming with amusement.

She pressed her hands against her overwhelmingly hot cheeks.

“I’m not like that Sannin! I’ve never had sex before! I’m still a virgin. I just write whatever pops into my head,” she mumbled out.

Kakashi got up and made his way to Y/N. He leaned into her face as Y/N tried to scramble back, trying to get some space in between them.

“Y/N, if you ever need inspiration for your book. I’m right here and I’m happy to volunteer for such a good cause,” he said cheekily.

Her eyes widened and she gaped at him. She blinked several times as if she couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth.

Kakashi touched her cheeks, breaking her out of the stupor she was in. As he stroked her soft skin with one hand, the other pulled down his mask to reveal his face.

Y/N let out a squeak and gazed hungrily at his exposed face. Kakashi never considered what people thought of his face honestly but her reaction was gratifying.

He leaned in even closer and her eyes fluttered closed at his proximity. Knowing she was anticipating as much he was, Kakashi wasted no time in connecting their lips. She tasted heavenly and she let out a moan when he gently nipped at her bottom lip. He’s kissed plenty of willing partners, but none excited him the way she did. Her scent and the way her breath hitched when he brought her into his embrace intoxicated him further. It was obvious from the way she was responding; Y/n didn’t have a lot of experience. But he held her face gently and slowly swirled his tongue around hers, guiding her through what might be her first kiss. When she got the hang of it, Kakashi removed his hands from her face to her hips. Not wasting another moment, he gripped her ass tightly and appreciated the thickness he had been admiring for a while. She was an eager little thing and greedy. Every time they separated for a breather; she came back with more intensity than before. It’s like he awakened something, and she was willing to take whatever she could get. Unfortunately for Y/N, he didn’t just want to spend his time kissing. No, he wanted to inspire a very, very naughty section that would light the imagination of every woman in Konoha.

Kakashi pecked her pink, swollen lips one time before removing himself. She looked earnestly at him, trying to reconnect.

“How about you and I head to your room. And I could show you the benefits of a chapter on oral sex,” he huskily whispered.

Apparently, Y/N didn’t need further prompting because she dragged him into her room and swiftly closed the door.

Kakashi spent the rest of the night fulfilling his promising words. And when the second novel of Scarlet Hearts came out, chapter 13 became infamous amongst all. And all the practitioners of oral sex cursed the author because they could not live up to the fantasy that chapter inspired.

[buckaroosboogara]

911 week - Day 5:

“Can I tell you a secret?” + comfort

(1800~ words, Albert and Chimney, tw alcohol and mentions of addiction/addiction.)

@911week

"Albert, I don't know how or why, but if you don't want to be a firefighter anymore, just tell me." Chimney huffed.

"Well," Albert got up and stumbled with his feet. He gained composure and walked to the door. "I don't wanna be a firefighter. Father was right, I am useless. And just like him, an alcoholic. Now go away." 

Chimney flinched, "This is not you Albert, please..." 

"Well, what do you know about me, huh? We were apart for more than 20 years." Albert barked as he opened the door. 

"I'll come back." Chim said, walking outside. 

"Yeah, yeah."

Albert wanted to cry. 

He felt like the world was turning him into a living joke, only alive to make people laugh, and he hated it. 

He was a step closer to be out of the fire academy, and his instructor had warned him that if he made one mistake more, he would be out. 

First, his written test had an 80/100, he would have like to blame it on Jee and her strong lungs that woke him up four hours before his exam at 8, but he couldn't do that. It was also his fault for constantly delaying the time to study for it, until dinner of the very last night before the exam. 

Then, he decided to move in with Buck again, or better said, move to Buck's place since the other man was mostly at Eddie's place than his own flat, giving Maddie and Chimney the privacy they needed. They happened to go partying to celebrate Albert's birthday the night before a big Chief went unpromptedly to the academy, and Albert arrived late for the first time, just that day. 

And now... he definitely deserved to get kicked out. 

He filled his teammate's oxygen tank with the gases, mostly nitrogen and carbon monoxide, that the O2 truck's engine liberated. 

He almost killed the girl during their training. 

And he didn't have a father in an important charge or a politician mother to get him out of that trouble, like the story of a training firefighter in Chicago. 

His only consolation was that his teammate, Jennifer, the only woman in his class, was already at her home, and had texted him to say it was okay, she knew he didn't mean to hurt her. That he was a harmless cinnamon bun, whatever that meant. 

He went home after the furious instructor had made him leave the academy, having done enough harm for the day. 

He messaged Buck, briefly telling him he was home early, and threw himself on the couch, the weight of guilt crushing him down. 

Albert really wished Jennifer - or JJ, how she like her friends to call her, but Albert didn't consider himself one - would be okay and become a firefighter in the next two weeks, when their final physical exam would happen. 

He also didn't want to alarm Buck or Chimney, both were stressed enough, having to juggle between being at the station and covering shifts for the two people down and having to take care of Maddie, Eddie, and Bobby, with the last two assuring they didn't need their help. 

Between these thoughts he fell asleep, waking up some hours after, dreams of death and disappointment hunting him. 

He put his jacket on and looked for a bar near, doing the only thing he ever learned from his father. 

Drown his guilts in alcohol. 

... 

Chimney could feel something was wrong with his brother. 

No, he knew. 

The clues were right there. 

He wasn't calling as much as he used to do, and whenever Buck called and was at their loft, Albert was not there. 

That, plus Buck's comments about him arriving home very late and leaving very early, with dark eye bags and smelling of alcohol. Those comments didn't ease the feeling on Chimney's gut. 

He first tried to call him, day, noon, even at 3 am when he couldn't sleep during a shift. Nothing. 

Or, short messages telling him he would call later, but he never did. 

Chimney knew how close Albert was to be a firefighter, and he knew that last week was the worst one. He feared what it would do to his brother. 

So one day, the stars aligned and Buck saw Albert during the noon in their loft. He did what he could to keep him there and called Chimney to get there, he knew that Albert needed his brother rather than anyone else at that moment. 

As soon as Chimney arrived, Buck left the building and both men could speak for the first time in a week and a half. 

"Okay, I'm gonna go straight to the point." Chimney huffed as he closed the door behind Buck. "What the hell is going on with you?" 

"Nothing." Albert lied, sitting on the couch with a beer in hand. 

"Don't you dare lie to me. I know you and this is not you, Al. Talk to me." Chimney walked to the couch and stood in front of his brother. 

Albert avoided his look and kept quiet. 

Chimney huffed. "Look, the EMT in charge of the basic health support and procedures class, Eli, called me yesterday. He was glad another Han would become a firefighter, but then he told me you weren't there." 

He crouched in front of his brother. "Albert, I don't know how or why, but if you don't want to be a firefighter anymore, just tell me. You don't need to avoid me, or Buck, for the record. Talk to me." 

"Well," Albert got up and stumbled with his feet. He gained composure and walked to the door. "I don't wanna be a firefighter. Now go away." 

Chimney flinched, "This is not you Albert, please..." 

"Well, what do you know about me, huh? We were apart for more than 20 years." Albert barked as he opened the door. 

"I'll come back." Chim said, walking outside. 

"Yeah, yeah." 

The door shut.

Chimney wanted to cry.

... 

"Chimney! Nice to see you around for once, but why are you here?" Eli happily exclaimed when he saw Chim walking through the academy's halls the next morning. 

"Hey Eli, it's nice to see you too brother." Chimney rolled his eyes fondly and hugged the man. 

After making the appropriate small talk Chimney spoke, "I actually came here to ask about my brother..." 

"Albert Han?" Eli asked and checked the clipboard he carried with him. "Uh, he hasn't come to my class in a week. Since the oxygen tank accident, actually." 

Chim's mind stopped racing after the last sentence. "Oxygen tank accident?" 

The EMS gave him an odd look. "Yeah... everyone here knows about it. He accidentally filled his partner's tank with monoxide and other gases from the O2 truck's engine." 

Chimney took his hands to his eyes, too much information entering his brain, Eli continued. "She passed away during training and hit her head, but apart from that and the toxic inhalation she was perfect." 

"Shit. Okay, I would remember if he told me that." Chim shook his head. "And he hasn't come in a week?" 

"Not to my classes." Eli said. "I thought that maybe you'd teach him for the exam, therefore he wouldn't come but... I know you, there's something more." 

"Yeah. Just- I need to talk to him. Could you make sure they don't... you know... kick him out?" 

"I'll do what I can." Eli answered sincerely. "Hey, it seems like almost getting kicked out is a Han thing now." 

Chim winced. He had been very close... which actually gave him an idea. 

"I gotta go, Eli, thanks for the... uh.. for everything!" Chim said, slowly tracking back. "Bye!" 

... 

Albert heard a knock on the door and groaned. 

He waited for whoever was there to give up and walk away, but the person kept insisting. 

"Open up Albert, I know you are there!" Chimney's voice sounded from the hall. 

"Ugh, go away!" Albert huffed as he took a bottle of beer from the fridge. 

"I'm not going away Albert. I'm going to stay here until Buck arrives or you open the door." 

"So stubborn." 

"Just like you." 

Albert thought of his options. He could either wait or let his brother in and drive him away in minutes and he would be alone again. 

He sighed as he opened the door. "Happy now?" 

"No. I need you to talk to me, Albert." Chimney got inside. "I know about the accident. It's not your fault, look-" 

"If you know, then you know it is my fault. She could have died. I could have killed her. It's not that I don't want to be a firefighter. I can't be one." Albert blurted out, his cheeks red from embarrassment. 

"Albert..." 

"And it's not just that- it's that every one of my written tests is marked only with an 80%, I can't seem to be there in time and then I almost killed one of my classmates, my friend. And- And I just- I feel like giving up." He took a swing of his beer. "And I did. Father was right, I am useless. And just like him, an alcoholic." 

He made a sad smile and continued drinking. 

"No, you are much more than that Albert." Chimney said, taking the bottle from his hand. "And you would make an amazing firefighter, don't ever doubt that." 

Albert rolled his eyes and huffed, making his way to the couch. Chim followed and sat on the coffee table in front of his brother. 

"Can I tell you a secret?" Chim asked after some seconds of silence. 

"Go ahead." 

"I almost got kicked out too." 

Albert scanned his expression. "You're lying." 

"The hell I'm not." Chim huffed. "Being a firefighter was the thing that kept me going for many years. Until I met Maddie. But, believe it or not, I almost got kicked out for not asking for help and being a jerk." 

"I was struggling in the written exams too. Almost failing, while Kevin got all 95s and 100s. I got jealous and was too proud to ask him for help. Then I started having problems with the higher levels. But one day..." Chimney smiled. "One day Chief Aadav Panikkar, yeah, Ravi's father, called me to his office. And he helped me." 

A tear slipped down Chimney's cheek. Albert ducked his head. 

"I wanna help you, Albert." 

"And, yeah, I'm gonna be realistic. You have little chance to graduate next week, but if we work hard and have a little luck, you will be able to." Chimney said, "And if you don't. Then you are going to kick ass with my help the next time you can apply to the academy. And we are going to AA. Okay? But we are going to do it together." 

Albert's lips contracted in a fine line. 

"Okay." When he looked up again, Chimney could see his eyes glowing with tears. "Thanks, Howie. I love you." 

Albert got up and waited for Chim to do the same and hugged him. 

"I love you too little brother," Chimney said, hugging his brother tightly. 

They had a long way ahead of them, but together they were strong enough to get through it. 

... 

Despite all their efforts, Albert couldn't complete the training the first time, and it hurt, not just to the Han brothers, but to the whole 118. 

Two weeks later they met with Bobby for a reunion with ex-alcoholics. 

Six months later, Albert finished his last physical test, and the 118 was on top of the exam building, waiting for him. 

He not only was in his official probationary year, but he learned that he had a family now. 

A family that was with him throughout all those hellish months. 

That was what the 118 was. Family.

[halothenthehorns]

TLTNL- HERMIONE'S HELPING HAND

Between The Boy Who Lived, and this chapter title, Ron is once again left out of the gift of getting one explicitly named after him, poor thing. Hell, even the twins and his mum got one.

 HPHPHPHP

Remus hesitated, his eyes lingering on the book, his hand brushing where his chapter had ended, but his eyes traveling from Lily, whom he owed the book to, to Harry. James' words lingered in his mind now more than ever, and well, he couldn't think of a better opportunity, while Harry still seemed so pale and unsure, and the topic had just been presented...

"Harry can I talk to you?" He made the snap decision, not letting himself talk himself out of it again.

James and Sirius exchanged a pleased smile when Harry said yes at once, nothing but surprise, and perhaps a hint of guilt as he followed him out of the room up the stairs.

Lily watched them go just as curiously, before turning accusing eyes on the boy's left, "and what's that about?" Easily recalling Remus' foul mood this morning and hoping it was all going to be put away for good when they came back.

"Why should we tell you?" Sirius asked with a slight touch of sulk in his voice. "You won't tell us who the Half-Blood Prince is, though you clearly know."

Lily pursed her lips in answer, preparing to launch a volley of defenses as James turned to her as well, but then shocking both of them, he said, "Dumbledore hasn't been the only thing on Moony's mind of late, the way he's been acting towards Harry in this future, or I should say hasn't been around him at all, it's really been getting to him. I encouraged him to have a chat with Harry about both of those things, I'm glad to see he's finally taken my advice."

"Prongs," Sirius whined. "You've gone soft! Where's my Marauder that would dangle this over her head until she gave something up!"

James just shrugged without answer, and it was Lily's turn to frown at the expression on his face as he turned to Sirius and easily distracted him with a chat about Tonks, offering new solutions to a problem they weren't even sure she had yet. Still, she eagerly jumped into this least anything else surface.

    Harry waited patiently for Remus to order his thoughts. He'd known he deserved whatever was coming for ages, and whatever had finally gotten Remus to deliver it he was grateful. He just wasn't sure what to expect. His past experiences only offered what Vernon or McGonagall would have done. He was positive in this instance to lean more towards McGonagall, with a stern lecture about his temper and how Harry should think before he vented what he had on Remus the previous day. He wanted to start with another apology, which Remus truly deserved. He even still had some unanswered questions about their last talk, but held it all in, letting him speak first like he was owed.

"Harry, I just wanted to say before this went on any farther," he couldn't help making an agitated face already, the whole summer had been bad enough, but for him to not have even been heard of that breakfast, "I really do understand why you lashed out at me, I deserved it and can quite easily believe how you grew to resent me over the years. Just please hear me that I'm trying, I won't so blindly follow Dumbledore again-"

"Remus, I never resented you!" Harry finally cut through, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. "The thought never even crossed my mind! I guess, I mean, you could have turned out worse." He felt a little guilty for adding that, but he also seemed determined to speak his mind. "You could have been like Snape."

The thought had been lingering for ages. He often wondered why the idea didn't baffle him a lot more than it should, his mother being friends with someone like Snape. It made him briefly at times consider he'd somehow learned this on his own, though he had not a clue how that was possible, clearly Snape wasn't sharing that information. It still made his point though, "Snape hates me even though he and my mum used to be best friends, and you could have been the same way. You could have blamed it all on me." Remus' scandalized expression simply made Harry nod, thinking that proved his point.

"I'm still ashamed I took that out on you," Harry went on before Remus could pull himself back into speaking, forcing himself to get this all out while he had the chance. "If I can find a way to make that up to you I will-"

"You already are," Remus promised, only hesitating for a moment before reaching out and taking his shoulder. "What you're giving us is a gift we wouldn't have even known to ask for, that's more than we could ever thank you for, so everything in between should just stay in this house, eh?"

Harry grinned at once, completely relaxing and all at ease now just as he was. It was still baffling, how little his proximity seemed to bother Harry. No matter how much he kept seeing to the contrary, he still kept expecting Harry to pull away from him for any number of reasons, but he never did. There was a longing in his eyes, one that didn't quite match what he held for the rest of the family. It was almost regret, or something more, but what Remus was sure of was that Harry wanted to know him. If it really was because they grew closer in this future then he could finally rejoice he'd done something right at least.

The smile dimmed for a moment, but before Remus could even start to worry what crossed his mind, Harry offered, "ah, I feel like I should, I don't know, apologize for everything Dumbledore does as well. I don't know, it's kind of weird since he hasn't done it to you all yet, but I can see how much he means to you. I, get that, for so long he's the only one who," he stopped with a now familiar pained expression, but waved him off, promising he wasn't pushing any farther. "Well, considering how my first lesson with him went, let's just say now they probably won't be going better the rest of this year, but I just, can't, despise him for everything." He finished lamely. He really couldn't wait until he never had to deal with this feeling again, of being incomplete. A piece of his mind that was missing a huge chunk of this conversation, that just like no matter what Snape did, he couldn't hate him with all his being.

Remus surprised him by laughing. "I'm a big boy Harry. I promise I can deal with whatever thoughts I have towards Dumbledore without blaming you."

Harry winced in shame, and Remus realized that wasn't the best choice of words, so he soothed, "we promised you we wouldn't do anything until we heard all you have to say." Not that they had a choice, he couldn't help mentally grumbling with one eye out the window, but his point still stood.

"Thanks Remus," Harry grinned at him. When he looked like he was just going to wave it off, Harry insisted, "I mean it, for everything, then and now."

Remus beamed, and Harry grinned right back. That look never failed to make the premature lines across his youthful face vanish, and Harry wished he'd seen that smile outside this house. He couldn't recall one though, and very much hoped it was somewhere in his future.

He led the way back downstairs, the cheerful mood still pouring off both of them now. The other three noticed at once. The slight tension between the two for the past few days finally leaving almost a physical thing. James and Sirius felt like hugging them, they couldn't stand to see the two fighting, or whatever that passive ignoring each other nonsense had been.

Lily almost happily picked up the book and began at once. Despite the climate Harry was still living in, his sixth year having the same air as all seven years of their school with the way it had started, there was finally something to be smiling at that couldn't be taken away by this book.

As Hermione had predicted, the sixth years' free periods were not the hours of blissful relaxation Ron had anticipated, but times in which to attempt to keep up with the vast amount of homework they were being set. Not only were they studying as though they had exams every day, but the lessons themselves had become more demanding than ever before.

"You're giving me horrible flashbacks," James sighed, rubbing his own forehead with the memory of those first few weeks coming back, all that homework that never seemed to end.

Harry barely understood half of what Professor McGonagall said to them these days; even Hermione had had to ask her to repeat instructions once or twice.

Sirius mock fainted in surprise.

Incredibly, and to Hermione's increasing resentment, Harry's best subject had suddenly become Potions, thanks to the Half-Blood Prince.

Lily began giggling hysterically again like that was still the funniest thing she'd ever heard. James rolled his eyes at her while Remus and Sirius just grinned at Harry, congratulating him on at least finding one class he could have an ease of, they wished they'd had this thing in school.

Nonverbal spells were now expected, not only in Defense Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed on U-No-Poo;

Causing at least the four graduates to burst out with further laughter and Harry to huff he was just so glad it was so funny to look back on for them, he certainly hadn't been as amused at the time.

but he knew that they were really struggling to make spells work without saying incantations aloud. It was a relief to get outside into the greenhouses; they were dealing with more dangerous plants than ever in Herbology, but at least they were still allowed to swear loudly if the Venomous Tentacula seized them unexpectedly from behind.

"One of the very few reasons I actually liked that class," Sirius agreed with a crazy grin still in place. "Got to use quite a bit of language in that class, and the one time she ever told me off for it was when it was directed at Snivellus."

"He deserved it," James said fairly when Harry looked like he was trying not to laugh. "I don't know what crawled up his arse that day to decide to drop that thing down Padfoot's pants, but-"

He was cut short by Harry bursting out laughing as hard as they just had. He was honestly a bit relieved, he hadn't been entirely convinced Harry still would laugh at that kind of thing after what he'd seen in Snape's memories.

One result of their enormous workload and the frantic hours of practicing nonverbal spells was that Harry, Ron, and Hermione had so far been unable to find time to go and visit Hagrid. He had stopped coming to meals at the staff table, an ominous sign, and on the few occasions when they had passed him in the corridors or out in the grounds, he had mysteriously failed to notice them or hear their greetings.

"Oh," Lily sighed, she couldn't imagine how much that would sting for the poor dear.

Remus just clucked his tongue. He felt a little bad for Hagrid, but surely a teacher would know not to take it so personally a student wouldn't continue with the class. He had any sympathy at all because this would be his first year with such a sudden drop, especially his three favorite students.

Over breakfast Hermione was looking up at Hagrid's huge empty chair at the staff table that Saturday and insisting to the boys they should explain themselves.

"I'm sure he's just busy," Sirius tried to sooth, as Harry started to look very guilty for this. Neither of them believe it, but Harry appreciate the attempt anyways.

Ron protested they had Quidditch tryouts this morning.

"Whoo!" James hooted at once.

And besides that, how were they supposed to tell him they hated the stupid subject?

"Next time start with the bad and end with the good news of tryouts," James huffed when Lily had kept going, but he was still smiling hopefully for that to come.

Ron told her to speak for herself, if they hadn't dropped that class they'd be teaching Grawp to tie his shoes right now.

"Ehh," Sirius waved his hand vaguely, and Harry wasn't all that reassured no one here really denied Hagrid may have tried to get away with that for an 'advanced' class.

Hermione insisted she hated not talking to him, so Harry assured her they'd go over there after tryouts.

"Priorities," Lily huffed, wishing he'd set his friend first, especially after a full week of not going to see him.

He too was missing Hagrid, although like Ron he thought that they were better off without Grawp in their lives. Still, he reminded her that with as many people had signed up, this was going to take all morning. He had no clue why the team was so popular this year.

"It comes and goes every year," James waved off.

Hermione got impatient with his naivety, telling him it wasn't Quidditch that was popular, it was him. Frankly, he'd never been more fanciable.

Harry suddenly looked quite alarmed at his friends deduction, surely she couldn't be right about this one! It didn't help no one in here looked likely to protest it, they just looked a bit amused. Now that his affection for Cho had been entirely eradicated, they'd actually been really curious who would catch his eye next, so Hermione bringing it up was quite entertaining.

Ron gagged on a large piece of kipper. Hermione spared him one look of disdain before turning back to Harry and explaining now everyone knew he was right, they found him quite brave holding his ground like he had last year. You could still see the marks that evil woman had left on his hand last year.

Harry's hand twitched uneasily at the reminder again, and it didn't help they all adopted the same murderous faces now as they had first hearing of this. Whatever those centaurs had done still didn't feel like good enough retribution for leaving a permanent mark on their boy.

Ron inserted you could still see the marks where those brain had attacked him, even beginning to shake his sleeve back to prove it.

-And it didn't help he'd shot up a few inches, Hermione finished, ignoring him.

"Honestly, if those two dance in anymore circles, they're going to put a moat around Hogwarts," Remus sighed.

Ron inserted he was tall.

Sirius snickered hard for Harry's friends, somehow finding this even more entertaining than Prongs and Evans had been.

The post owls arrived, swooping down through rain-flecked windows, scattering everyone with droplets of water. Most people were receiving more post than usual; anxious parents were keen to hear from their children and to reassure them, in turn, that all was well at home. Harry had received no mail since the start of term; his only regular correspondent was now dead and although he had hoped that Lupin might write occasionally, he had so far been disappointed.

Lily's heart had started to grow heavy at the start of this, the sting always present of being denied this for her child never appreciated when it was pushed to the for-front of her mind. By the end she was trying to stop herself chewing on the inside of her cheek, the unease for Remus squirming so much inside her she thought she was going to be sick. With an uneasy glance up though, she saw both were trying to pretend like they hadn't heard a thing. It was of some relief, at least, that their little chat had soothed what once could have been a very awkward moment, but for now she tried to get past that as fast as she could like the boys clearly wanted.

He was very surprised, therefore, to see the snowy white Hedwig circling amongst all the brown and gray owls. She landed in front of him carrying a large, square package. A moment later, an identical package landed in front of Ron, crushing beneath it his minuscule and exhausted owl, Pigwidgeon.

Harry, unwrapped the parcel to reveal a new copy of Advanced Potion-Making, fresh from Flourish and Blotts.

Remus couldn't help it, even knowing Harry didn't hold that against him, at least now, like he did, he still made a face that a bloody book store sent more mail to him than he did. That could just never be right. It helped that James, sitting right next to him, still just looked miserable like the rest of them rather than resentful like Remus wouldn't have blamed him for.

Hermione was delighted, saying now he could give that graffitied copy back.

"Graffitied," Lily gave a half-hearted giggle to at least try and push the good mood back in.

Harry told her she was mad, and proceeded to mutter 'Definido' over both covers of the books, while Hermione looked scandalized.

"For what you're doing, or ruining a book?" Sirius asked with genuine curiosity, clearly ignoring Moony's moment as much as he could.

"Couldn't tell you, a bit of both probably," Harry answered naturally enough.

He then swapped the covers, tapped each, and said, 'Reparo!'

There sat the Prince's copy, disguised as a new book, and there sat the fresh copy from Flourish and Blotts, looking thoroughly secondhand.

All four of them started chuckling, a pure sound of amusement they all needed. "Clever," Lily couldn't help but congratulate, having never thought for a moment he was going to give it back, now he even had an excuse. The temptation to tell him exactly whose book he was keeping was still on the tip of her tongue, but she restrained herself, they'd just gotten their good mood back, no need ruining it with certain information.

Harry decided he'd give the 'old' copy back to Slughorn, who wouldn't complain, it had cost him nine Galleons.

"And that man has never passed up a bargain," Remus smirked.

Hermione pressed her lips together, looking angry and disapproving, but was distracted by a third owl landing in front of her carrying that day's copy of the Daily Prophet. She unfolded it hastily and scanned the front page.

Ron determinedly asked with a casual tone if anyone they knew was dead this morning, as he had every morning.

Lily sighed, this was honestly the reason she hadn't gotten the paper through much of her youth, it was depressing to turn every page and expect as much.

Hermione did tell of an arrest, and Harry asked with some curiosity who, keeping to himself the hope it was Bellatrix Lestrange.

All five of them scowled for her name being brought back up, Azkaban was almost too good for what they owed her. Almost.

Stan Shunpike, apparently.

"Ouch, didn't see that one coming," Lily muttered, her lower lip pouting in surprise.

She read out the article which gave the details f his arrest as being under Death Eater suspension.

Harry at once said there was no way, while Ron offered he could have been under the Imperius Curse.

"They still shouldn't have arrested him until they knew for sure," Harry seethed.

Sirius just gave his shoulder a reassuring pat, honestly wishing this was more of a surprise to them. They heard all the time of arrests from the last people you would think. Crouch was a good example, but there were others out there doing explicit things you wouldn't think to point a finger at.

Hermione read out the rest, he'd been caught overheard knowing of Death Eater plans, and that didn't seem the kind of thing the Imperius Curse would let you shout about.

"That's even worse!" Harry snapped.

"Calm down Harry, I'm sure it won't last long," Lily tried to placate, though none of them were really any happier about this development, they weren't sure why Harry was in such a temper over it. It was just too common place to them.

"He shouldn't be in there, he doesn't deserve it!" Harry insisted.

Ron instead switched to saying he was probably showing off then, hadn't he been that bloke boasting to a veela at the World Cup about becoming the next Minister of Magic.

"That was also a moment you claimed a broom could reach outer space, so," James trailed off with a pitiful shake of his head.

Harry agreed that was him, and was still aghast anyone could take Stan seriously.

Sirius suddenly flinched, his favorite joke escaping him as they all realized where Harry's ire could be stemming from, and maybe he didn't even realize it except his own choice of words.

Harry couldn't say anything, not looking at any of them. Sirius sighed unhappily, not wanting to say any empty words, but shimmied just a bit closer to him anyways, as much a promise as he could offer they wouldn't let this happen to anyone again.

Hermione explained the Ministry wanted to look as if they were doing something, people were terrified after all. The Patil twins almost hadn't come this year, and Eloise Midgens had just been withdrawn last night by her father.

Harry's misery only grew at this news, that was as depressing as it could get, hearing of more parents like Seamus' mother. It was somehow even more sad to see this didn't surprise anyone around him, this sort of thing must have happened all the time.

Ron was dumbfounded, surely parents knew Hogwarts was the safest place for anyone with Dumbledore here.

Hermione lowered her voice to the barest whisper as she pointed out they may not really have that.

Harry glanced to the staff table in surprise to find he wasn't present. In fact when he cast his mind back, their headmasters seat had been as empty as the Gamekeepers this week.

"That is, unusual," Remus agreed slowly, trying to keep the accusation out of his voice and almost getting there this time.

"I mean, not really, if you think about it," Lily tried. "Maybe the Ministry reinstated all of his titles in the community, plus the Order of the Phoenix, he can't just be sitting around in his office all day."

"We never exactly kept tabs on him at the table, so I couldn't say how often he was there at our time," James agreed slowly.

Hermione kept lowering her voice further as she wondered if he was doing something for the Order? It was all looking very serious.

Sirius was already smirking, and without any preamble this time stated, "I always look Sirius! I hate using anything to change myself otherwise, who would want to deny the brightest star!"

Harry snickered in surprise while his friends rolled their eyes.

Harry and Ron did not answer, but Harry knew that they were all thinking the same thing. There had been a horrible incident the day before, when Hannah Abbott had been taken out of Herbology to be told her mother had been found dead. They had not seen Hannah since.

Harry felt cold chills erupting all along his arms as that memory was given back. He didn't even have to pretend what that news was like, he'd lived it only days ago hearing his parents weren't going to be in this world with him much longer.

When they left the Gryffindor table five minutes later to head down to the Quidditch pitch, they passed Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil. Remembering what Hermione had said about the Patil twins' parents wanting them to leave Hogwarts, Harry was unsurprised to see that the two best friends were whispering together, looking distressed. What did surprise him was that when Ron drew level with them, Parvati suddenly nudged Lavender, who looked around and gave Ron a wide smile. Ron blinked at her, then returned the smile uncertainly. His walk instantly became something more like a strut. Harry resisted the temptation to laugh, remembering that Ron had refrained from doing so after Malfoy had broken Harry's nose; Hermione, however, looked cold and distant all the way down to the stadium through the cool, misty drizzle, and departed to find a place in the stands without wishing Ron good luck.

"I'm sensing a triangle forming," James said extra loudly, well aware Harry just couldn't keep a smile in place this time around. Surely even the coming Quidditch tryouts would help with that!

"At least I'm not anywhere in that shape, though I'll still probably be hearing about it," Harry huffed.

As Harry had expected, the trials took most of the morning. Half of Gryffindor House seemed to have turned up, from first years who were nervously clutching a selection of the dreadful old school brooms,

"Poor things, not being Harry Potter and all," Sirius snickered while James puffed up his chest, well aware none of them would be making the house team, breaking his sons record of being the youngest in a century.

to seventh years who towered over the rest, looking coolly intimidating. The latter included a large, wiry-haired boy Harry recognized immediately from the Hogwarts Express.

He came forward with confidence, reintroducing himself as Cormac McLaggen, and explaining he was here for the Keepers tryouts.

Harry asked if he'd tried out last year, thinking the size of him would surely block all the goal hoops without him even needing to move.

Remus snickered in surprise while James mind was already wiring clinically. "Nah, doesn't necessarily mean skill if he can't stay on the broom."

"Or Ron just beat him out," Sirius sniffed.

He explained he hadn't, he'd been in the hospital wing that day. He'd eaten a pound of doxy eggs on a bet.

"Well I can't help but like him just for that," Remus burst out laughing even harder.

"Honestly, I'd probably be rooting for him if Ron weren't trying for the same spot," Lily agreed.

Harry made a face at both of them, he had no good will towards him, even if he couldn't explain the feeling.

Harry dismissed him then to stand with the others, pointing over to the edge of the pitch, close to where Hermione was sitting. He thought he saw a flicker of annoyance pass over McLaggen's face and wondered whether McLaggen expected preferential treatment because they were both 'old Sluggy's' favorites.

"He'll learn fast," James scoffed.

Harry decided to start with a basic test, asking all applicants for the team to divide into groups of ten and fly once around the pitch.

"Not bad at all," James approved, his eyes many miles away back on the pitch himself. "Get a good handle on just how often they're in the air."

Harry couldn't help the shy smile, blushing a bit at the praise he hadn't been expecting. He was only doing what he thought was obvious at the time, to help out his team.

This was a good decision: the first ten was made up of first years, and it could not have been plainer that they had hardly ever flown before. Only one boy managed to remain airborne for more than a few seconds, and he was so surprised he promptly crashed into one of the goal posts.

Causing all five of them to burst out laughing, Harry hardest of all as he'd tried to hold it in at the time.

The second group was comprised of ten of the silliest girls Harry had ever encountered, who, when he blew his whistle, merely fell about giggling and clutching one another. Romilda Vane was amongst them. When he told them to leave the pitch, they did so quite cheerfully and went to sit in the stands to heckle everyone else.

Lily scoffed at that one, they would have made better cheerleaders. She didn't even like the game and couldn't understand why they'd bother if they didn't either.

The third group had a pileup halfway around the pitch. Most of the fourth group had come without broomsticks. The fifth group were Hufflepuffs.

The Marauders laughed extra hard at that one while Harry rolled his eyes, thinking they could go annoy their own tryouts.

Harry was getting seriously annoyed,

"What did I do?" Sirius demanded.

"I'm sure you weren't any help to dad when he was going through this," Harry shrugged without remorse.

"Don't encourage him by responding to that Harry," Remus groaned, when he laughed was bad enough.

"No, Harry was right that time, Sirius was laughing his arse off and I had half a mind to kick him off the field. I was Siriusly annoyed by him too," James couldn't help joining in with a chuckle that time, causing Remus to make a face at him of pure betrayal while the others just laughed harder.

as he shouted that anyone else who wasn't from his house should leave now! There was a pause, then a couple of little Ravenclaws went sprinting off the pitch, snorting with laughter.

"At least someone was enjoying themselves," Harry gave a grudging laugh as well, everyone around him still giggling too much to hold onto that agitation that had been hovering over him at that time.

After two hours, many complaints, and several tantrums, one involving a crashed Comet Two Sixty and several broken teeth, Harry had found himself three Chasers: Katie Bell, returned to the team after an excellent trial; a new find called Demelza Robins, who was particularly good at dodging Bludgers; and Ginny Weasley, who had outflown all the competition and scored seventeen goals to boot.

Harry was beaming at this, he had a really good feeling at least these weren't decisions he'd regret. It was the other positions he wasn't feeling as sure of, and hoped he wouldn't let his dad down with any of the others.

Pleased though he was with his choices, Harry had also shouted himself hoarse at the many complainers and was now enduring a similar battle with the rejected Beaters.

He had to even threaten some away with hexs if they didn't stop badgering him about it.

"Yeah, I'd believe him," Sirius nodded along, having actually done as much to one who had the gall to tell Prongs what a sham he was after all that.

Neither of his chosen Beaters had the old brilliance of Fred and George,

"A shame twins don't come along more often," James sighed, still eyeing Lily hopefully, who was ignoring him.

but he was still reasonably pleased with them: Jimmy Peakes, a short but broad-chested third-year boy who had managed to raise a lump the size of an egg on the back of Harry's head with a ferociously hit Bludger, and Ritchie Coote, who looked weedy but aimed well. They now joined Katie, Demelza, and Ginny in the stands to watch the selection of their last team member.

Harry had deliberately left the trial of the Keepers until last, hoping for an emptier stadium and less pressure on all concerned. Unfortunately, however, all the rejected players and a number of people who had come down to watch after a lengthy breakfast had joined the crowd by now, so that it was larger than ever.

"Ah well, I'm sure Ron's over all that by now anyways. He won the last tournament after all," James smirked.

"This next one both will be playing in it, it's going to be a blast," Sirius already agreed with high energy to get to that!

As each Keeper flew up to the goal hoops, the crowd roared and jeered in equal measure. Harry glanced over at Ron, who had always had a problem with nerves; Harry had hoped that winning their final match last term might have cured it, but apparently not: Ron was a delicate shade of green.

"He could be nervous and still readying himself," Remus pacified, all of them at ease and sure Ron would do fine. He'd lived through the worst of it last year after all.

None of the first five applicants saved more than two goals apiece. To Harry's great disappointment, Cormac McLaggen saved four penalties out of five.

"A tough score to beat," James grudgingly nodded. "I suppose if they tied you'd just have them do it over again?"

"Yeah," Harry sighed with agreement, fingers crossed it wouldn't come to that and Ron would do brilliantly.

On the last one, however, he shot off in completely the wrong direction;

Harry blinked in surprise, rubbing his forehead for why that would cause a stir in his memories.

the crowd laughed and booed and McLaggen returned to the ground grinding his teeth.

Ron looked ready to pass out as he mounted his Cleansweep Eleven.

Someone called a good luck for him.

Harry looked around, expecting to see Hermione, but it was Lavender Brown.

"Ooh, bet Hermione loved that," Sirius rolled his eyes. He already disliked her for her previous tendencies in Trelawney's class and hoped Ron didn't really return the affection. He'd still take Hermione's stubbornness over some giggly girl.

He would have quite liked to have hidden his face in his hands, as she did a moment later, but thought that as the Captain he ought to show slightly more grit, and so turned to watch Ron do his trial.

James gave a sympathetic nod, thinking there had been many times during his captaincy he'd had to show more restraint than he had all previous years of school because of that badge.

Yet he need not have worried: Ron saved one, two, three, four, five penalties in a row. Delighted, and resisting joining in the cheers of the crowd with difficulty, Harry turned to McLaggen to tell him that, most unfortunately, Ron had beaten him, only to find McLaggen's red face inches from his own. He stepped back hastily.

McLaggen began smearing at once, stating his sister hadn't really tried, she'd given him an easy throw.

"Urgh, what a sore loser," Remus wrinkled his nose up in disgust as well as the comparison.

"Honestly, even if they had tied I'd rather Harry give it to Ron now just for that," Sirius agreed.

Harry coldly responded what rubbish that was, Ron had nearly missed that one.

McLaggen took a step nearer Harry, who stood his ground this time.

"That'a boy," James approved, his eyes narrowing and his hand twitching for his wand. Even knowing Harry could handle himself against some pompous seventh year didn't mean he was going to stand for that.

McLaggen demanded another go, but Harry refused. Ron had the better score, he was Keeper. End of discussion, now McLaggen needed to leave.

He thought for a moment that McLaggen might punch him, but he contented himself with an ugly grimace and stormed away, growling what sounded like threats to thin air.

"And good riddance," Lily sniffed, as happy as any of the boys for the way this turned out.

Harry turned around to find his new team beaming at him.

Ron was congratulated on doing brilliantly, and this time it really was Hermione running toward them from the stands; Harry saw Lavender walking off the pitch, arm in arm with Parvati, a rather grumpy expression on her face.

"Wonder if Hermione did something to her, or said something," Sirius snickered.

Ron looked extremely pleased with himself and even taller than usual as he grinned at the team and at Hermione.

After fixing the time of their first full practice for the following Thursday, Harry, Ron, and Hermione bade good-bye to the rest of the team and headed off toward Hagrid's. A watery sun was trying to break through the clouds now and it had stopped drizzling at last. Harry felt extremely hungry; he hoped there would be something to eat at Hagrid's.

"Quick, check he has all his teeth!" James yelped in alarm.

"And all his sense," Lily agreed with a giggle while Harry rolled his eyes at all of them. Not all of Hagrid's cooking was that bad...

Ron was happily running them through his experience, applauding Demelza for what a tricky shot she'd pulled, had a bit of a spin on it.

"I missed Ron doing this!" James laughed.

Hermione looked amused as she again agreed how brilliantly he'd done, and Ron furthered this by laughing at McLaggen going in the completely wrong direction for his last shot! He'd looked like he'd been Confunded, he finished with a laugh.

Harry missed the others laughing around him this time, an idea just on the edge of his mind-

To Harry's surprise, Hermione turned a very deep shade of pink at these words.

and then he nodded to himself, a slight smile in place as he thought it was all but confirmed.

"Oh, she didn't," James said, a look of mingled exasperation and amusement in place.

"I'm thinking she did," Sirius nodded slowly, like he couldn't decide if he should be outraged at such a display of interference in Quidditch or laughing his arse off she'd pulled something like that.

Lily easily decided on laughter, at all of the boys expression for this, for Hermione herself, she was just giggling up a storm for so long they couldn't help but join in. Hermione was very many things, but they couldn't deny she helped her own too.

Ron noticed nothing; he was too busy describing each of his other penalties in loving detail.

The great gray hippogriff, Buckbeak, was tethered in front of Hagrid's cabin. He clicked his razor-sharp beak at their approach and turned his huge head toward them.

Hermione backed up a step with nerves, saying she still found him a bit scary.

Sirius scoffed, he quite liked that beast and was honestly considering getting his own now.

Ron scoffed she'd ridden on his back once!

Harry ignored them both and came forward to bow, waiting until it was returned before going up and stroking him. He whispered for the hippogriff alone if he missed him too?

Lily's voice hitched in her throat, her hands shook across the cover. They'd actually managed to go two whole chapters without that being brought up, and yet somehow it was worse as Harry reminisced with a beast of all things about it.

They were interrupted by an angry shout telling them to get away, he'd take some fingers off! Then Hagrid recognized them. He stood and looked at them all for a split second, then turned and strode into his cabin, slamming the door behind him.

"Oh dear," Lily sighed.

"That could have gone better," James agreed with a wince.

Hermione looked stricken, but Harry grimly said not to worry about it.

"I disagree," Sirius looked a bit wide eyed with alarm. "The last people Hagrid was ticked off with got their heads nearly knocked off."

"I haven't cursed McGonagall lately," Harry half-heartedly defended.

"It's been a week, surely he's just making his point clear they offended him." Remus pacified. "Soon as they get to talking to him he'll come around."

"Wish he would have already," Lily sighed, still wanting to smack him for treating her son that way.

He walked over to the door and knocked loudly, telling Hagrid to open up.

There was no sound from within.

"I'm just picturing him on the other side, arms crossed, pouting," Sirius laughed a bit, though it did nothing to erase Harry's uneasy frown.

Harry threatened if he didn't, he'd blow this door down, even pulling his wand out.

"You've been a bit violent today," James noted.

"Not taking any nonsense with his friends, right after you," Sirius agreed good naturedly.

"You actually pulled it out!" Lily gasped, she honestly couldn't picture it.

"I'd have really done it to," Harry said without too much remorse. He wouldn't just let Hagrid ignore him.

But before he could say anything else, the door flew open again as Harry had known it would, and there stood Hagrid, glowering down at him and looking, despite the flowery apron, positively alarming.

"I, can almost imagine," Remus said slowly. Despite the obvious contrary, he rarely thought of Hagrid as intimidating. It wasn't pleasant picturing that anywhere near directed towards Harry.

Hagrid growled he was a teacher, even calling him Potter to emphasize this.

Lily couldn't help but make a little face at that. It hadn't even registered until this moment Hagrid, as a teacher, had never actually referred to Harry as such and the contrast now was startling.

Harry apologized at once, addressing him as sir.

Hagrid was stunned at this, asking since when did they call him sir?

Harry returned since when did he call him Potter?

"Harry's really got all the teachers on their toes this year with that mouth," Sirius gave an appreciative laugh.

Hagrid was not impressed, calling them ungrateful little things,

"Ungrateful is a little harsh," James frowned in defense. "Honestly Hagrid, would it have been much better if they'd forward you they were dropping the class?"

"Maybe a bit," Remus sighed, he still felt some sympathy for Hagrid despite his attitude about it.

still mumbling darkly, he stood back to let them pass. Hermione scurried in after Harry, looking rather frightened.

All five of them scoffed at that. Honestly, even at his worst they'd never actually be afraid of him, and after what Hermione had just done, they would have thought she'd be more bemused at his behavior like they were.

Fang was happy enough to see them, drooling over their robes at once, while Hagrid demanded what they wanted? Thought he was lonely down here without them?

"Um," Lily muttered, feeling a little bad she'd never really thought about it. The other teachers could all converge in the staff room if they wanted company, but it was a bit depressing to suddenly wonder how many went out to go see Hagrid just for a chat.

Harry at once corrected they'd missed him, and Hagrid snorted in disbelief.

"This is getting offensive," James sighed. "I'm all for the theatrics to prove your point man, but you're holding a bit of a grudge against students not wanting to take a class."

"Hagrid's always been big on gestures, I'm sure this seemed like a significant one to him," Harry sighed, though even looking back he wasn't sure what he could have done differently.

He stomped around, brewing up tea in his enormous copper kettle, muttering all the while. Finally he slammed down three bucket-sized mugs of mahogany-brown tea in front of them and a plate of his rock cakes. Harry was hungry enough even for Hagrid's cooking, and took one at once.

James still had the urge to knock that out of Harry's hand for his health.

Hermione began talking to him timidly, when he joined them at the table and started peeling his potatoes with a brutality that suggested that each tuber had done him a great personal wrong.

"Never pictured your face on a potato before," Sirius snorted, "though I'm sure it's helping Hagrid a bit."

She said they really had wanted to continue with his class. Hagrid gave another great snort. Harry rather thought some bogeys landed on the potatoes, and was inwardly thankful that they were not staying for dinner.

"Thank you, now I'll never eat at Hagrid's again, not that there was much of a chance before," Remus muttered.

Hermione insisted they had, it just wouldn't fit in their schedules.

Harry agreed without belief.

"Oooh," Lily huffed, wishing to make him look at her and really acknowledge what his problem was. She couldn't blame him for being a bit hurt, but now he was starting to make her son look guilty for something he really couldn't help and she wouldn't lightly stand for that.

There was a funny squelching sound and they all looked around: Hermione let out a tiny shriek, and Ron leapt out of his seat and hurried around the table away from the large barrel standing in the corner that they had only just noticed.

They felt some concern start lighting up the room, surely Hagrid hadn't found something even more horrible than Grawp already!

It was full of what looked like foot-long maggots, slimy, white, and writhing.

This was so entirely the opposite of what they'd just been fearing, they all got a good laugh for the harmless things and the overreactions to it.

Harry asked what those were, and Hagrid crisply answered grubs.

Ron uneasily asked what they'd grow up to be, and Hagrid said nothing, they were for Aragog.

"Naww," Remus offered, though he was the only one who bothered, the others got a shifty look in place at the reminder of him.

And without warning, he burst into tears.

"Ooh, that poor dear," Lily said in sympathy at once, suddenly realizing Hagrid's overreaction to the kids may have actually been out of focus for something else.

"Please tell me you're talking about Hagrid," James still had his nose crinkled in disgust, even as it flagged a bit for Hagrid in sympathy.

She ignored him, actually trying to keep going with just the tiniest bit of hope they were misunderstanding this. She never would have thought she'd be hoping for an Acromantulas good health, especially this particular one, but Hagrid had this way of making her care for things she never would have thought she could simply by his own huge heart.

He explained in half broken sobs Aragog was dying, he'd been getting more ill over the summer! He didn't know what to do, they'd been together so long!

Sirius couldn't help but frown for the poor man as well. Aragog had technically been the reason Hagrid was expelled, and yet Hagrid still cared about him so much. It really was sweet, even if he couldn't bring himself to feel the same for something that had once condoned eating Harry.

Hermione patted Hagrid's shoulder, looking at a complete loss for anything to say. Harry knew how she felt. He had known Hagrid to present a vicious baby dragon with a teddy bear,

Sirius still managed a gag for that, he'd somehow prefer the man eating spider to that monster!

seen him croon over giant scorpions with suckers and stingers, attempt to reason with his brutal giant of a half-brother, but this was perhaps the most incomprehensible of all his monster fancies: the gigantic talking spider, Aragog, who dwelled deep in the Forbidden Forest and which he and Ron had only narrowly escaped four years previously.

Hermione offered if there was anything they could do to help, ignoring Ron's look of panic.

"I'm sure Ron would be exempt from this offer," James offered half-heartedly.

"Remind me to grow arachnophobia so I can be as well," Sirius huffed.

Hagrid explained there wasn't, his family had been acting a bit funny lately and it probably wasn't safe for anyone else with how restless they've been.

"Funny?" Remus repeated slowly, wondering if Hagrid was really ignorant of their true nature in this. It didn't seem likely, with as knowledgeable as he was of species in general, but surely Hagrid knew it wasn't common of someone to go in and out of a nest like theirs so freely.

Ron muttered he'd seen that side of them.

Harry was the only one who managed an uneasy laugh, the other still couldn't for that not so friendly reminder.

He thanked them through, it meant a lot they'd offered.

After that, the atmosphere lightened considerably, for although neither Harry nor Ron had shown any inclination to go and feed giant grubs to a murderous, gargantuan spider, Hagrid seemed to take it for granted that they would have liked to have done and became his usual self once more.

"Was that all it took?" James sighed. "Next time I'll bring one along with me!"

"Please don't dear," Lily muttered, not entirely sure if he meant it or not.

He explained he'd known they would probably have to drop his class anyways, they'd have to get a Time-Turner with how busy they already were.

Hermione said it wouldn't work anyways, they'd all been smashed in the Department of Mysteries, she'd seen it in the Prophet a few weeks ago.

Lily shivered, but altogether tried to ignore the goosebumps flying up her and her soul crushing for once again having to remember all that had transpired in there.

He still apologized for the way he'd acted, though the errant thought slipped out if Grubbly-Plank had still been teaching they'd probably-

At which all three of them stated categorically and untruthfully that Professor Grubbly-Plank, who had substituted for Hagrid a few times, was a dreadful teacher, with the result that by the time Hagrid waved them off the premises at dusk, he looked quite cheerful.

"See, lying and flattery really does get you everywhere!" Sirius burst out laughing. Even Lily gave an uneasy chuckle back just to hear him keep saying such things, the constant reminder he may not be able to one day made almost all of his many annoying habits just a bit funnier than usual.

Harry, who had abandoned the rock cake after an ominous cracking noise from one of his back teeth,

"I was joking," James muttered.

was eager to get back to the castle for dinner, especially before he had to endure Snape's detention.

As they came into the castle they spotted Cormac McLaggen entering the Great Hall. It took him two attempts to get through the doors; he ricocheted off the frame on the first attempt.

Lily snorted enthusiastically and Remus couldn't help snickering as well. The two Quidditch zealots still looked more torn than anything, deeply wanting to praise Hermione's clear conniving skill and even the lingering effects the spell had, but she'd interfered in Quidditch!

Ron merely guffawed gloatingly and strode off into the Hall after him, but Harry caught Hermione's arm and held her back.

He flatly asked her if she really had Confunded Mclaggen?

Hermione blushed, but admitted to it, he should have heard the way he was talking about Ron and Ginny.

"Urgh, I'd have done it on principle as well," Remus scowled.

James gave a little huff, but the worst part was he really could picture Moony doing the exact same thing, and he still wasn't sure if he'd laugh or scold him for it either.

He had a nasty temper, there was no way Harry actually wanted him on the team.

"This is true," Sirius sighed. "It's just the principle of the matter, it's like cheating Ron's way onto the team!"

"The one time you don't condone cheating," Lily rolled her eyes.

"Quidditch," James insisted, "is not to be trifled with!"

Harry didn't disagree, but pointed out her prefect status, this was a bit dishonest of her.

"And?" The three Marauders muttered, that really was the least awful part of this, it was quite brilliant under any other circumstances in fact.

She snapped at his smirk to be quiet, while Ron reappeared and looked at the two suspiciously what was keeping them.

"Poor Ron's jealousy might be making a comeback," Sirius chuckled uneasily, hoping Ron didn't get the wrong impression and pick another row with Harry.

Harry just scoffed, it was a ludicrous idea to him what Sirius was implying, but at the same time something uneasy lingered in him for it about Ron getting the wrong idea.

Harry and Hermione together said it was nothing, and they hurried after Ron. The smell of roast beef made Harry's stomach ache with hunger, but they had barely taken three steps toward the Gryffindor table when Professor Slughorn appeared in front of them, blocking their path.

He was enormously pleased to have caught up to him, asking if he'd instead like to spend the evening with his group of classmates from the train again?

"Ugh, and so it begins!" James groaned.

"You're lucky you had so much practice ducking away from Lockhart, you'll be using that on this one as well," Sirius groused.

He'd already invited McLaggen and Zabini again, and Melinda Bobbin would be coming, her family owned a chain of apothecaries,

James was already miming snoring at this point, and Sirius and Remus were shifting restlessly like they would have walked right past him already. Harry honestly wished he'd done the same.

and, of course, he hoped for Miss Grangers company as well.

Lily was ignoring them and smiling fondly at this, having quite the flashbacks to her own years in school again, some of the happier times.

Slughorn made Hermione a little bow as he finished speaking. It was as though Ron was not present; Slughorn did not so much as look at him.

"Ouch," all five of them muttered, Remus most potently as he'd experienced that along with... well every time Slughorn had tried to catch up with James and Sirius.

Harry said he couldn't, he had detention with Professor Snape tonight.

"The fact that you use his title," James scrunched up his face in disgust, even as he weighed in his mind which would be more reprehensible to listen to that night. Both really were coming out equally unappealing.

Slughorn gasped almost comically, saying he couldn't stand for that. He'd speak to Snape and see them both later!

Sirius did get a good laugh out of that, very much wishing Harry could sit in on that conversation.

"I'll bet Slughorn's hoping to use his old status on him to get his way," Lily said fondly.

"Was Snape in this?" Harry asked in disgust, his respect for this stupid club dropping every moment more it was discussed.

"Yes," Lily frowned reproachfully. "We spent so much time debating in class, trying to outdo each other with our potions, he thought we were a riot and invited him along all the time."

Harry tried very hard not to roll his eyes while Lily bit her tongue for a moment to stop herself pointing out Harry should be very grateful to him this year in particular.

Harry hardly waited until Slughorn was out of earshot before scoffing Slughorn had no chance, Dumbledore had been the only one that detention would be postponed for.

"It's honestly a miracle he did it the first time," James agreed.

Hermione wished he would come, she didn't want to go alone! Harry guessed she was thinking about having to spend more time around McLaggen.

"Don't know what she's thinking, I'd take the chance to further Confund him," Sirius' smirk turned into that cruel little twist Harry uneasily recalled getting first hand experience of in a Pensive. He'd seen it several times in here as well when they were speaking of Snape. "Wonder just how many times you can use that spell on someone, think they'll miss their mouth and start shoving food up their-"

"And this is why I never wondered why Slughorn only invited you to his big parties, instead of all his gatherings," Remus rolled his eyes.

"She does know she can just, not go," James snorted.

"Suppose she felt morally obligated or some such, him singling her out like that," Harry shrugged without much concern.

Ron snapped Ginny had probably been invited! He didn't seem to have taken kindly to being ignored by Slughorn.

Remus sighed in pity for Ron while the others seemed happy enough to gloss over this. They obviously couldn't care that much, since his friends blew them off and Lily couldn't find them much of a big deal since she went to so many. He however knew exactly how Ron was feeling, and he hadn't even cared that much for it.

After dinner they made their way back to Gryffindor Tower. The common room was very crowded, as most people had finished dinner by now, but they managed to find a free table and sat down; Ron, who had been in a bad mood ever since the encounter with Slughorn, folded his arms and frowned at the ceiling. Hermione reached out for a copy of the Evening Prophet, which somebody had left abandoned on a chair.

She was again asked if there was anything of interest in there, and Hermione agreed she'd found Ron's dads name, hurriedly tacking on he was alright as he looked up in alarm.

"That's not how you start a conversation!" Lily squeaked as Harry had nearly startled out of his seat in alarm as well. Considering all these kids had been reading of the paper, not to mention past events, Hermione should start with the end of that sentence!

She read out how his job had been tipped off about the Malfoys house, though nothing had been found.

"Aw, see Harry, he wasn't dismissing you at all," James grinned.

"Pity he didn't find anything," Sirius sighed.

Harry told the two about their conversation back on the platform, and decided Malfoy must have taken whatever this was with him into the school already.

Hermione disagreed he couldn't have done, they'd all been searched upon arrival.

Harry was startled at this news.

"The Boy Who Lived to be the Chosen One is far to special for such a thing!" Sirius dramatically declared while Harry fought back the compulsion to whack him upside the head, he hated both of those titles, let alone them being strung together!

Hermione explained of course he hadn't because he was late, but Filch hadn't let anyone in until they'd been probed, she knew for a fact Crabbe had a shrunken head confiscated.

"Eww, why would he even have that," Lily muttered.

Momentarily stymied, Harry watched Ginny Weasley playing with Arnold the Pygmy Puff for a while before seeing a way around this objection.

Harry got a blissful little smile in place for just such a small moment the others hardly noticed. They hadn't thought about this at least since Malfoy had stamped on Harry's nose, quite the distraction, but now they were back to wondering just what was up with that. Hermione did have a point it should be next to impossible for Malfoy to get anything to horrible into the school, could he possibly be putting this project of his off until next summer?

Harry redirected his mum could have owled it to him.

"Nah, mails probably still being checked," Sirius disagreed.

Harry was painfully wrenched from his little memory of watching Ginny, her hair the same color as the fire behind her surely making her stick out more than she should, and responded with agitation, "thought only Umbridge did that mess!"

"She was much more invasive about it," Lily seethed at the reminder, but more calmly explained, "but it has been known to happen in a more broad sense, just to know the kind of thing getting in, not what it actually says or what it is."

Hermione replied Filch had been bragging that was checked as well.

Really stumped this time, Harry found nothing else to say. There did not seem to be any way Malfoy could have brought a dangerous or Dark object into the school.

"It's a good thing Malfoy doesn't know about the secret entrances into the school," James agreed with a sigh.

He looked hopefully at Ron, who was sitting with his arms folded, staring over at Lavender Brown.

Sirius gave a suggestive smirk, muttering what could possibly be on Ron's mind, while the others ignored him.

He tried to ask his thoughts on the matter, but Ron snapped at him to drop it.

"Well he's not in a fun mood," Remus rolled his eyes.

Harry was riled at once, saying it wasn't his fault Slughorn had ignored him.

Ron didn't want to hear it, announcing he was off to bed considering he didn't have any party invitations.

Remus winced while the others just sighed, honestly feeling a bit bad for Ron but there was no good answer for that problem.

Demelza Robins came in then, and went to Harry with a message from Snape. To quote, he was to come to his detention tonight no matter how many party invitations he'd received.

"Of course he'd rub that in, as if Harry asked for it," James grumbled.

"The one time Slughorn could have done some good," Sirius sighed in agreement.

He should also know he'd be sorting rotten flobberworms, and there was no need to bring gloves.

"He wouldn't have bought gloves anyways!" Remus snipped. "So the warning was just a preinsult."

"That's Snape for ya," Harry agreed.

Harry grimly thanked her for the message.

"I'm finished," Lily told with a shake of her head. That could have been, worse, she supposed. At least overall it wasn't getting into the terrible state it could have been, considering Harry's past track record.

[guineapigsinwinter]

Cat Among the Canines

So finished the first chapter, this is likely the final version.

Chapter one: For want of a smoke alarm.

It was two weeks before the start of a new school year, and the sirens of fire engines filled the air as the blaze raged throughout the building that housed the male feline carnivores. Half the building had been consumed by the flames when the fire engines had arrived, and whilst they had successfully prevented it spreading to any further, the damage was done.

Two weeks before a new term and one of the main dormitory buildings of the school was destroyed, though thankfully everyone had managed to escape physical injury.

Flying at a speed unheard of, the school’s administration team searched for a solution, trying to figure out how to house the 50 students who had been assigned to it. An old dormitory that had been closed several years prior for refurbishments that had never happened was hastily cleaned out and made habitable, and whilst this accommodated the returning feline student population, the 8 incoming young carnivore students still needed beds. An additional bed was installed in several rooms throughout several carnivore dormitories, with a table atop it instead of a top bunk, and the starting feline students were informed they would be in mixed dormitories for this year, with the option to switch to feline only ones the next once burnt out one was rebuilt.

 And so a 12 year old tiger named Bill found himself nervously standing in front of the door to room 701, assigned to live with a bunch of dogs for the year, his aunt’s drunken rant about the situation replaying in his head as he took the key and entered.

Surprisingly, Bill fitted in quite well with his roommates, his rumbustious nature gelling well with the energetic canine group, though his attempt to bond with Legoshi as “Alpha carnivore” as his aunt has ordered him to backfired, the shy small wolf jumping back behind the slightly taller Labrador.

“I’m not, or at l, l, least I don’t want to be.. please d,d,d,d don’t call me that” the grey wolf stuttered from behind his friend, the shame and anxiety in his voice catching everyone in the room by surprise. Bouncing forward, trying to get past the protective and glaring Labrador to the wolf. “it’s who you are man, like me what is there to be ashamed of?” Bill said.

Shouting the Labrador replied as he shoved himself into Bill. “He’s not, he’s Legoshi! He knows loads about bugs and is my best friend and leave him alone!”

“I’m not doing anything to him, I’m just saying it as it is” The now angry tiger yelled in the glaring Labrador even as Legoshi tried to defuse the situation, quietly asking everyone to calm down. Seconds later, the Labrador shoved Bill to the ground with a cry of “Stop scaring Legoshi” even as said wolf shouted “Don’t fight Jack!” as the pup and tiger cub started rolling around on the floor, the rooms other inhabitants scrambling up into their bunks to watch. For several minutes of rolling on the floor, various insults being shouted and everyone else randomly cheering for Jack or Bill whilst a stammering Legoshi begged them to stop. This came to a holt when they rolled against Miguno and Durnham’s bunk, at which point the hyena and coyote grinned at each other and flung them onto the brawling pair shouting their own names as a means of introduction.

This caused the tiny Fennec fox atop the third bunk pair to laugh whilst rolling his eyes, whilst the walking cloud that was the young English sheepdog also jumped in, laughing. Panicking, Legoshi drew up to his full tiny hight and jumped in with a cry of “I’m coming Jack. This concern faded, as he realised both Bill and Jack were laughing as well and soon started enjoying the rough housing, at one point rolling with Jack off to the side whilst the sheepdog attempted to pin a wriggling Bill to the floor, energetically introducing himself as Collot.

Eventually everyone was lying on floor panting and smiling, Legoshi quietly asking “Can we do that again?” Glancing at the young wolf, Bill replied “Sure, sorry for earlier, wasn’t trying to insult you or anything”.

Following this, the small fennec fox jumped off his bunk onto Bill’s back, hopping atop each person before bouncing to the door, shouting “The name’s Voss, and you guys do know the cafeteria is now opening for dinner?”

--- Several months Later, room 701---

“C’mon Legoshi, it will be fun, the invitation mentions the technical and costume aspects, plus everyone has joined one!” Bill said from his position lying on his front across his bunk, legs kicked up and swinging randomly, an invitation to the school drama club in front of him. Across from him, nestled in his bunk, Legoshi looked up from a similar invite. “Why invite me though? Not like I have done anything like this before, and most people don’t want to see a wolf on stage.” He said quietly, before tilting his head in thought. “Also, Jack isn’t in any? He said he was going to focus on lessons this year, we could just stay with him”.

Pressing his head into the duvet, the tiger cub muttered far quietly then his normal bombastic cheer “Please… I don’t want to go on my own but also really want to try this…” he admitted with a blush.

“I’ll help you find bugs, bet you I can climb to places even a great wolf like you can’t get to and grab them for you!” Bill continued as the door to the dorm room opened, and Jack came in, the pup carrying a stack of books the same size as his chest.

“I got the books for history from the library for you guys, plus some cool ones on wolves and tigers!” Jack’s enthusiasm was clear in his voice and the frantic wagging of his tail. The young Labrador has already started a growth spurt, the six inches he had gained since term had started leaving him the tallest of the 701 boys. He set them down on the table above Bil’s bunk before flopping down on Legoshi’s bunk, leaning against the wolf cub before glancing around the dorm room “Where is everyone?” he asked.

 “Durry’s at the swim club meeting, Mig’s at band practice, Collot went to the painting one I think?..” Legoshi grew quieter as he grew increasingly unsure which club Collot was trying out, the sheepdog had tried dozens in the last week.

“Wasn’t that yesterday? I’m going to the Warhammer and Wrestling ones tomorrow with him, maybe it was baking today?” Bill was just as confused as his lupine friend.

“I thought it was trampolining today?  Or gymnastics.. one of the two..  pretty sure Voss was going to the school paper club so maybe Collot went with him?” For once, Jack was as confused about a situation as his dormmates.

“It was pottery club guys, I didn’t go as I’d go flying off the wheel with clay guys” said Fennec spoke from his own bed, causing the three others to all jump, Legoshi and Jack both falling back in surprise.

“Rex dammit Voss when did you get back? I swear your part ghost!” the tiger cub roared out, though it came out as more a squeak towards the end.

Chuckling, Voss jumped down be grinning at the tiger. “What can I say? You goofballs don’t pay enough attention.” Turning to Legoshi and Jack he continued. “It cant hurt to try Legoshi, plus it does look good to the teachers. Speaking of Jack you should at least try some, my sister said the workloads gets intense after first year so now be your only chance, got to be something you’d like to try.” Voss pulled a flier that listed all the clubs from where it had been discarded on the floor and shoved it into Jack’s hands.

Pouting, Jack gave in, closing his eyes. “Fine, I’m blaming you if I fail exams because of this” the Labrador stated, as he randomly spun his left hand before jabbing one claw into the paper.

“Huh, gardening, that could be nice”.

Gardening did indeed, turn out to be nice, so much so each of the inhabitants of room 701 would get dragged to the gardens at least once a month by Jack. Legoshi was the second most frequent, wanting to stay close to Jack but also amazed at the variety of bugs he could find there, Bill and Collen both enjoyed trying to show off strength wise, competing with each other as to who could lift the most compost, heaviest wheelbarrows ect. Durnham and Voss didn’t especially like it, but found it hard to resist when Jack asked them. Miguno fell in love with the gardens, more as a place to practice his music but also enjoyed the digging so ended up joining the society as well.

 --- Two weeks later, night-time in room 701—

The storm outside raged, the sound of pouring rain and thunder constant, with flashes of lightning frequently blasting through the curtains. All of the dormmates were asleep, though for one it was certainly not peaceful. Bill tossed and turned in his sleep, murmuring unintelligibly in his sleep, whining in fear, his fur puffed up as the nightmare wracked him.

After a particularly loud sorrowful yowl from the tiger, Jack blinked awake, looking up from where he had been nuzzled in Legoshi’s bed. “Bill? You okay buddy?” Hearing no reply other then continued distress, Jack frowned before clambering over the grey wolf and out of the bed, waking Legoshi up.

“Jack, what’s going on? It’s not time to get up yet is it?” he groggily asked, rubbing his eyes.

“Bill’s having a nightmare, we got to help him!” Jack excitedly whispered, grabbing Legoshi’s hand pulling him out of the bed, over to Bill’s.

“Huh, er, okay then Jack”. He said as the Labrador huddle up to one side of the shaking feline, whispering reassurances and childish boasts of safety.

“Er you got this buddy, we got your back, it’s what friends do” the grey wolf cub said as he slumped into nightmare ridden tiger’s other side, sandwiching the scared feline between him and the cheerful Labrador, who’s tail started to wag slightly as Bill started to settle and calm into a more restful sleep.

“See Legoshi, we helped! I told you wolves are great for helping people to sleep! He exclaimed, having not realised said wolf had fallen asleep almost as soon as he had settled in. Grinning, proud he had helped a friend, Jack slumbered off as well.

---Rexmas eve—

 Legoshi was gazing at the snow drifting down outside, lost in thought sat against the window. He had thought of going home, he honestly hadn’t meant to mislead Jack, but it was .. he couldn’t go back. Rexmas had been the one time his mother would come out of his room, and the idea of going back now.. he just couldn’t. Legoshi felt tears rolling down his face, and found himself unable to stop himself thinking about that night. He was startled out of thoughts by the room door slamming open, causing the young wolf to yelp and fall onto the floor. Getting to his feet, he saw Bill had come back, but was shocked by his face. The tiger cub’s lips were burst, he had two black eyes and faint scratches could be seen on his face. His expression turned to shock as he processed Legoshi was there.

“W,what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be home for Rexmas?” Legoshi didn’t think he had heard Bill sound so shocked and .. on edge? He certainly smelt it.

“I could ask you the same, what happened to you?” the wolf quietly responded.

Bill seemed to deflate, slumping his satchel off and trudged to his bed. “My aunt.. doesn’t approve of me being in here you guys, my cousin told her I was friends with you guys and enjoying living with you .. and she didn’t like me saying no..  I didn’t want to stay home after that.”  The normally loud tiger half murmured, seeming to be second guessing himself and unsure what to say.

Legoshi threw himself at Bill, wrapping the tiger in a hug as he started to cry. “She can’t get you here, look your safe, you don’t need to cry” the short wolf gently said, desperate to help his friend. “I’m sure we can have a great time here, Tem is here as well so we could do something.” The tiger’s sniffles gradually stopped as he reached around Legoshi returning it, murmuring a thanks his lupine friend.

----New Year’s Eve, midday---

It was a slightly odd group that was walking across the snow covered school grounds, a Alpaca, a wolf, a tiger and a dog, all laughing and wrapped in winter coats and scarves.

“Really? Wow having siblings sure sounds weird but fun” the Alpaca said to Jack, smiling.

Thoughtful for a moment, Bill spoke up “Do you think that’s why we all got invited to the drama club? It’s a thing for kids with no siblings?”

Tilting his head in thought, Legoshi replied “possibly? Hmm, weird for you to think on something that much Bill, are you sure you are okay?” the wolf finished with a shy smirk.

 “Hey take that back! I got a 70 on the last mathematics exam before the holidays!” Bill shouted, jostling into the wolf.

“Only because Jack helped you study for it! Would you have even passed if he hadn’t helped you?” Legoshi retorted, grinning and shovelling back at Bill. Whilst the tiger’s initial declaration of being kindred “alpha predators” hadn’t gone well, and even he himself admitted it was a stupid idea, between his good natured boisterous playing with the wolf and Collot, and Jack’s gushing enthusiasm for wolves had helped to bring Legoshi out of his shell when around those he considered friends.

“I could have passed on my own! Jack just gave me a boost as he is cool like that! Bill grumbled. The wolf and tiger continued to push and shove each other, bickering over how much Jack had helped, who was having the most help from Jack, who smelled worse and several other trivial things which seemed to be important to them before they ended up pulling each other to the ground, rolling about wrestling in the snow laughing.

Jack and Tem both stopped to watch their friend’s antics, the wrestling and the increasing bizarre and silly arguments and insults making the two laugh, their breath misting the winter air.

“Is all carni bonding like this Jack? Should I prepare to defend my exam performance from your accusations?” Tem asked Jack jokingly.

Grinning, Jack responded “Nah, I have a better idea” and whispered into the alpaca’s ear.

A few minutes later, Legoshi and Bill broke off each other and got up and both looked around for their friends.

“Over here guys, took your time” Jack called out, causing Bill and Legohsi to look over to where he and Tem were stood. Each next to a pile of snowballs, and each smirking in a way that told the two that they were now very, well and truly screwed.

 So the premise is Bill ends up in room 701, his cannon behaviour reminding me of myself when I was in the closet, and massively overcompensating to a ridiculous degree, so figured him in the wholesome environment that is the canine squad could lead to a Bill who isn’t quite as much of a walking pile of toxic masculinity? Plus as he is another large predator and quite boisterous, he is more likely to encourage and engage in the physical play that would possibly help Legoshi with his self confidence/hatred of his body.

[loquaciousquark]

I’m not very good at keeping up with life updates. I don’t know why! I never have been!

Carol moved out August 9th, about a week extra over the original two months we’d agreed on. She got an apartment about five minutes away, which is about 40 minutes from her job. I recommended getting an apartment closer to her job to ease the commute, but she said she strongly preferred being near to her friends and the city center. (She also had the option of a $650/mo lease for a year or $1100/mo for a six month lease at this complex, and opted for the shorter lease even though she couldn’t afford the $1100. She also insisted on a two bed 1.5 bath apartment instead of a much cheaper one bed one bath, and I don’t know why. Her financial choices continue to bewilder me.)

I helped her move, because she has a number of physical disabilities and a fairly total inability to accurately predict the scope of a job like this. She insisted to me multiple times that all she was picking up from her estranged mother’s home was a few books, a desk, a chair, and a small round end table. She came back with a fifteen foot Uhaul packed top to bottom with dozens of pieces of (often very heavy) furniture, tubs upon tubs upon tubs of books (not small boxes, like 40 gallon tubs immobile with books) and a lot of...I don’t know how to describe it.

Honestly, it reminded me of a hoarder’s home from those TLC shows. She had so much stuff, and almost all of it was...garbage. Like, stained, discolored, moldy, dirty, dusty furniture and blankets and clothes that were covered in mouse droppings and bird crap. An ancient armchair that she called “antique” but was made of very cheap very damaged veneered pressed wood and whose upholstery was of an indeterminate color because of how stained it was. A “display piece” of an old suitcase she picked up in some thrift store that was locked shut with what felt like twenty pounds of bricks inside, but the outside wasn’t even attractive - just an ugly brown box with no care or craftwork that was scratched and torn and stained with mouse poop. It honestly made me uneasy to touch it, and she was putting it in her apartment to use.

I don’t know how she thought she was going to be able to get all of this stuff down the half-flight of stairs to her apartment by herself. I helped her unload for four hours before I had another obligation, then came back after that finished for another hour or two of unloading to get it in her apartment securely. It was...very tiring, but also very exhilarating to be physically closing that chapter as well as mentally. I don’t intend to do it again.

--

My job (professor) started back in person on a regular basis the following week in August. We’ve now been in class for almost two months and no students that I directly interact with (my 46ish 2nd year students) have had any exposures or at risk scenarios. A small handful of 3rd and 4th years have had exposures, and I think one student actually tested positive, but none of the exposures or positive results were from our clinic or labs; they were all from community transmission (wife/husband/child/roommate caught it from somewhere else, student had to quarantine).

I have been almost draconian with my 2nd years about the thin line we’re walking in being allowed to have even our minimal, limited in-person labs, and have warned them that if we have an exposure breach in our clinic, there is zero chance they graduate on time in a few years. They seem to be taking it extremely seriously, which I like a lot. All students, staff, and faculty are given new surgical masks daily, and everyone who interacts with patients gets a new n95 mask every 10 days. We have decontamination stations throughout the building, temperature guns, digital “passports” that they have to update daily to be allowed on campus, and plenty of spray bottles with high level disinfectant for surfaces and hands. It’s honestly as safe as we can make it, and I feel we’ve hit a good balance between staying safe and getting them actually trained on real human beings.

That said, we are having more students than I’ve ever had fail exams and practicals across the board, and I honestly think it’s an artifact of the remote lectures (all lectures are remote unless specified for particular reasons, and then they only take place in distanceable classrooms, which are at max like 70% of the class). God knows I wouldn’t have learned as well at home - I’d have been on my phone or playing games and kind of half listening in the background, and if nothing else this has made me more of a proponent of mandatory attendance once it’s safe again to do so, because the drop I’m seeing is almost precipitous. Either this class is unusually full of students incapable of completing the program, or COVID’s striking again. I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.

On the other hand, we’re FINALLY making up the Injections course material that got stopped dead in spring, and the first run of it went very well last Saturday. I unequivocally resent that I have to give up an entire Saturday to do so (and will have to do so thrice more to get all the students done this semester), but it’s at least one chunk of incompletes that are now passes (and in fact, mostly As).

We just got the notification that hybrid courses will continue through spring. It’s so exhausting. We can do it safely, and we are, but it’s so hard.

--

Went to get a drink last night before bed and noticed the tea was a little warm. Went to grab some ice cubes from the freezer and discovered the ice cube tray was full of water, and the chocolate ice cream in the door had melted and spread across the entire unit.

Managed to get a repair guy out this afternoon, who charged $228 to replace the ...relay overload array capacitor, or something. He showed me what it was--a little black and white box that he said was bottom of the barrel cheap from China, which I fully believe, and installed a new one then and there while I had a remote test review with a student over Zoom. I put on headphones for her privacy, but she cried several times. It’s usually a pretty rough awakening when students who never had to study in college realize how difficult this program is and the study time required to pass, let alone succeed.

Anyway, the freezer’s chucking out cold air like it was made for it, and the fridge seems to be slowly working its way back down. Had to throw out everything from the freezer (chicken, steak, ground beef, bacon, veggies, frozen meals--and some pizza rolls) and I’m not looking forward to the grocery bill it’ll take to restock the fridge either, but at least it seems to be functioning again.

I just checked; the freezer’s made six ice cubes in the last three hours. I’ve put them all in my tea to celebrate.

--

Edit: just checked again and the fridge is slowly cooling off, thank goodness! Of course, I somehow managed to fall down the four stairs of the hall between here and there and bruise the royal bejeezus out of both hips and somehow the inside of my left foot, so I’m ordering in for dinner, because nuts to that.

[a-forgotten-spirit]

Love Isn’t An Illusion (6)

Pairing: Todoroki x Bakugou, Todoroki x Reader x Bakugou, VERY SLOW BUILD

Summary: Your final exam was a bit harder then everyone elses

Words: +-7200 (Next few a quite long sowwy)

Warnings:  Anxiety, fear of failure, feeling like everyone is against you, unfair battle, near crying, anger, panic attack, insomnia, overworking, wanting to prove yourself, swearing, battle sequences, description of a panic attack, soft Todoroki, Todoroki helping through a panic attack, stress, bad parenting, collapsing, Midnight’s being used on you, hospitals, mentions of not eating, soft Bakugou, mentions of sexuality

Tagged:  @kittycatspervertedheart​ @lemorrite​ @gwendlynn​ @marleps​ @thicctati2​ @saitamastamaticsoup​ @succulent-momma​ @aurorahoneybuns​ @imjusttireddudes​ @misconceptualised​ @ochabby​ @katsukisuwus​ @gayverlinq​ @star-witchs-blog​ @fallbb123

A/N:  I wrote this for the fans. I do not own My Hero academia or the characters, I don’t own most of the plot for this story, I had watched the show and re-written the dialogue and plot as if the reader was the main character. Everything is centred around the reader. Please comment, makes me happy. Ask if you wish to be tagged. I’m going to make a patreon for AU’s and extra little bits and pieces, give me your thoughts!

Masterlist

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

____________________________________________________________

Chapter 6

At the new information, I was receiving I stopped and put my hand up sighing out my anxiety then nodded slowly licking my lips “Excuse me” I asked slowly and stepped forward “Um everyone else gets a pair and one Pro. I get no pair and ten Pros” I was livid, I was losing my shit left right and centre. “Oh yeah” I nodded “Super fair” I had trained but ten Pros with ten different quirks and fighting styles. 

“Y/N,” Aizawa said slowly and I waited for what he was to say “You are by far the strongest in your class, your quirk can be used in any situation. Your weakness is the amount, if we are all to fight you then we can see how you are truly travelling” he explained. My hands were gripped at my sides. There was no way I was going to pass. “You have one rule” he began and I laughed my eyes still downcast. “You must show your true self to at least one teacher at all times” he explained. 

I was now just standing there nodding as I licked my lips and then sighed out, again trying to understand this information “So basically I’m failing before I even take the test” pursing my lips I blinked harshly trying to hold back my tears. I wasn’t going to pass and I knew they had noticed my change in attitude. 

“No” Midnight began and I looked down. “We are testing you, you are so strong” the teachers hadn’t thought of what would happen if I failed did they. I shook my head and grit my teeth. How could I beat ten pro heroes not to mention All Might himself? 

My peers were silent as I stood there seething in anger. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t fight ten Pros. I was so confident about this and now I was about to burst into tears and just tear myself apart right here. All the sleepless nights, all the coffee and panic attacks, all the studying and running my body into the ground to then have an impossible task thrown at me. 

I shook my head slowly and then whispered out “Let’s just get this over with” I had to watch every single second of everyone's fights. I had to learn everything. I wasn’t going down without a fight. We walked in and I moved to the front sitting down in front of the TV my legs to my chest. I couldn’t even blink. My heart was about to combust. I felt faint. I was glad they saw potential but not ten Pro heroes potential. My objective was to escape. I was about to cry. 

The teachers were talking about how we could run away, I didn’t have a choice. The teachers also wore bracelets to add half their weight, it would slow them down but with ten Pros it wouldn’t help. The first fight was on Kirishima and Sato against Cementoss. They went for direct, a bad decision but my eyes widened as they broke through the walls of cement. They had limits while Cementoss doesn’t, Cementoss was so fast and had no limit. I would have to cage him quickly and somewhere not near cement. A cage should do the trick but they took quite a bit of brainpower. It would have to be done, I could hear conversations behind me but this was far more important. I had to pass and I had that stupid rule I had to follow. I held my legs tighter, Cementoss was long-distance and had no limit. I had to remember that. The fight was over within a few minutes. 

Then was Tokoyami and Tsu, ectoplasm had cloned. If he was in an illusion could he still use that? I couldn't even find out if I wanted to before I fought him. I continued to watch as people walked in and out. How many clones could he make, could he see through them? What was his limit? There were just so many to fight, this looked impossible. I watched as Tokoyami destroyed them, so they looked easy to destroy. I would have to find the original quickly. I knew how to control clones but were they the same as my own. My eyes widened as I saw him make a giant one of himself, how could I go around that. How could I win with a power like this? Ectoplasm also had a lot of power with close combat and distance. I had to bit that. I was shaking, my fingers digging into my legs as I leaned forward watching the next fight. 

Iida and Ojiro, Powerloader could dig underground and hide. I would have to find a way to stop him. Though the boys won fairly quickly, speed was their key. Even though Powerloader is quick underground he wasn’t too fast on land plus he needed machines for his quirk to work. I could suspend him in the air and he would be useless. My speed was good but if he made it underground I wouldn’t have much of a chance. I would have to get him out of his little machine. 

Then came Todoroki and Yaoyarozu against Aizawa. He was my biggest issue. He needed to be taken out immediately when I fought him, he could erase my quirk and I would be useless. I could rely on my physical abilities but it would still be not enough. Within seconds Todoroki was suspended and spiked objects placed beneath him with his partner now running for the exit. Aizawa also had his scarf, I had to worry about. They would come to me with everything they got. I had to think fast and hard, I wouldn’t be able to stop. His quirk stopped when he blinked, if I got caught I’d have another chance. Eraserhead was swinging through the air like it was nothing, what area would I be put in. Todoroki was still in the air as Yaoyarozu ran up to him but Erasurehead was on his way. They were yelling at each other trying to work together in the middle of the exam? Not the best time but still there nonetheless. The light then blinded Aizawa making him have to regain his sight then Aizawa was off again. Sure his quirk had lessened but it was still a lot we had to deal with. An ice wall and then Aizawa was blocked. I was only focused on Aizawa for this fight. I had to figure this out, how could I beat him? Yaoyorozu threw another scarf at him but when heated returned to its original shape, a metal. Clever but not something I could do. They won, though I couldn’t win with their strategy.

I gripped my legs tighter if that was possible at this point. I was ignoring everything and everyone around me. People were talking to their partners figuring out strategies but all I could do was think. That’s all my quirk was, thoughts projected into the world. I breathed out trying to calm myself as I closed my eyes. Ten Pros, one me. I had to think faster than ever, my brain would be having ten different thoughts at the one time. I had to win, I had to show everyone I was better. 

No. 13 was just sucking, if I put someone in front of her she would have to close, she may not be a hero today for this exercise but she would never intentionally hurt someone. I found that out when her pair competed against her. The second Uraraka got to close she stopped her quirk, still a hero at heart. I smirked, they were all still heroes at heart. 

I was still sitting as I heard Iida and Yaoyarozu walked in talking to Midoriya and Tsu. Nezu was up, I didn’t know his quirk. Then the area began to collapse around Mina and Kaminari. I was watching so closely as I heard Yaoyorozu talk and I sighed silently. He was smarter than everyone and could think faster than I could attack. Everyone had to be taken out quickly. The pair lost and I put my head in my legs to try and calm down. How in the hell could I fight someone so much smarter than me, I had to think faster then he could. 

Koda and Jirou, all sound quirks. I watched them as they ran through the woods. The camera added Mic who was unimpressed with having to wait and within a second he yelled, voice loud and barreling through the woods. My eyes widened, I could create something sound cancelling, all my illusions could be it was the fact I’d still hear him. A box may be, just place all ten teachers inboxes. Another quirk that was going to have to be ended quickly though he had to breathe, right? Or could he breathe through his quirk? I was at a loss of what to do. He made her ears bleed, his voice made her ears bleed. I was in disbelief, he wasn’t caring. The ground began to rumble beneath him and then Present Mic was covered in bugs, ok so he didn’t like bugs. Good to know. 

I knew Snipe well, his fighting style and thought process. He was fast and knew where everyone was though he struggled when we fought close combat and when I made clones. It’s going to be a lot to think about all at once but this is something I had to do. I could win, with each match I was getting more excited but nervous. 

Midnight was strong if her quirk reached me I would just fall asleep, it came from her skin, I could have to cover her in something but I had heard it worked better on guys than girls. But what if said girl also didn’t just like guys. I was screwed, I would have to keep her covered. Not too hard but still another thought I had to make, something seemingly impossible. Midnight also had her whip, I had to get her immobilized quickly and keep her there. I didn’t know how far her scent could go. Immobilization was my best bet.

Finally All Might, the top hero. Everyone knew him, I mean how could you not, he was legendary. The number one hero to this day, both Bakugou and Midoriya were versing him but I had to do it alone with other Pros helping him. Bakugou was ignoring Midoriya all together, he was mad. If he was mad about being paired with Midoriya I couldn’t imagine the anger that I gotta do it myself. They weren’t working together. With the swing of the hand, a whole road was taken out by All Might. I had to go up against that, All Might in villain form. What could I do with something like this at his disposal? Bakugou was moving too quickly but when he was pushed into the ground I stood up quickly leaning over the bars to watch more closely. Two of the strongest people in my class were getting beat. Bakugou was just walking toward All Might not a care in the world, he was so strong and confident. Bakugou had been punched and I grimaced looking away before my breathing began to pick up, I knew my peers were watching my semi meltdown. My eyes were darting around the screen as I bit my lip in anger. Bakugou looked so angry and beat as Midoriya punched him out of the way from another hit. Midoriya was carrying Bakugou with him but my eyes were darting everywhere. I was confident but now my heart only raced in fear. My whole body was shaking as I watched them. Another hit from Bakugou, more hits but Midoriya had one of his gauntlets. The hit was massive and explosive I looked around but All Might was up within a few seconds. How in the hell did he get back up, I couldn’t face him with other Pros. He was so strong I could hold him down? Place him in a box? Control him? Fear tactic? God what would work. I was biting my fingers in fear as I tried to figure out how to win. Bakugou was just kicked away then Midoriya was thrown into him. They were at his mercy. I couldn’t beat him in physical strength but I could lock him away, it would take a lot of energy but I think I could do it. Midoriya was hurtling towards the exit, I had to make it to my exit. All Might was faster even with his bracelets he was faster. Locking him away would be my best bet, my only chance at winning. I was going to win, I was going to work my body and mind harder than ever. Bakugou had such strong attacks, how could he do this. How could he use such power and not fall, how could he do this? I was at a loss, Bakugou had so much strength in his body, so much raw power and stamina. The boys were then running to the exit. They won, they both fucking won. I had to verse that, if they could win, I could win, right? 

When they won my legs collapsed as I fell to the ground, All Might would take a half an hour break then it was my go. I was shaking on the ground my breathing harsh and loud Recovery Girl ran to me. 

“Y/N breathe” I couldn’t breathe, how could I even think to breathe going up against them. “Y/N you need to breathe” I was going to fail, I was never going to become a hero. They gave an impossible mission, something I couldn’t do. I had nothing, how could I win this. “Y/N” she was yelling in my ear as I sucked in the air but never out. 

My head was grabbed and I looked up to see Todoroki on his knees and looking into my eyes “Y/N you need to breathe” he breathed slowly and I tried to copy and then just looked down as I breathed out then in Oxygen flooding my cells. 

“I’m going to fail” I looked around, Todoroki and recovery girl were the only ones here, then others I’m sure going to see Miodoriya. “I can’t win, my quirk can’t beat ten Pros” I whimpered, Todoroki now kneeling in front of my crouched figure. 

“I believe in you” he whispered and I rose my head, why was he always around when I was a mess. “You can win, your quirk is amazing, you’ve been training and studying for so long. Don’t let a little stress take away your future” he was right. I nodded as I sighed out licking my lips. 

“You’ve been watching them, I know you know all their weaknesses” I nodded agreeing “You just need to put them in use. You can do it” I wasn’t sure if she was allowed to encourage me but I appreciate it nonetheless. 

I stood up shakily and nodded sternly, I had been a mess these last few weeks. I knew how to win, everyone began to walk in as I narrowed my eyes. I had to be confident, smirking I turned to Recovery Girl “Make sure to have the volume up” she nodded. Minutes ago I was having a panic attack but I took a page from Bakugou, turning anger in power. I had to use everything every ounce of anger I had. I squeezed Todorokis’ hand as I passed and then I was walking off out the door and down the halls. 

I waited for my time, I was in the field, they didn’t think it was fair if my area had already been destroyed. Cementoss was useless here, Midnight wouldn’t use her quirk near the others, Erasurehead would try and go for me immediately I had to hide from him. All Might had to be restrained, No. 13 placed in front of someone, Cementoss. Present Mic facing Eraserhead, couldn’t use his quirk. Ectoplasm is occupied with my clones as well as Snipe. I could make more than thirty, I could make a hundred. It was all thoughts. Power loader suspended or occupied and Nezu had to be kept quiet, he is too smart he’d talk to the others. 

Once I was in the field the time started, I thought of how my mother reacted when I won the sports festival, her ignoring me for a week then yelling at me every day. I thought about Bakugou not seeing me as a threat, my mother making my life a living hell. I was walking through the forest, they wouldn’t move until they could see me I knew that. Anger was running through me, I was angry I came first in class, I was angry I was the only one doing my test. I was angry at my father for always taking my mothers' side, I was angry at my peers for not standing up for me. I was angry that after this I had to go home, I was angry I was in this god damned position. I was angry at it all. I was so mad. I spread my arms out and then there were about fifty of me. I began to run, I had to run. I had to be faster than everyone. I had to think faster, move faster. 

Coming into the field the teachers were stunned. I was hidden from Eraserhead, all of the clones moved in unison, one thought, I couldn’t see Power Loader, underground but he wouldn’t put the teachers in danger. I jumped half of the clones following I was running on an illusion, three thoughts. Midnight couldn’t use her quirk around the teachers, she had to stay with them but she also had her whip which was caught and pulling her through the field. 

Then the clones came, I was fast fighting them quickly and easily. Ten thoughts. I was looking everywhere. Though a group of myself was running forward straight at them. “You all have weaknesses” I called out smirking making sure every illusion was talking and having the same expression. 

“She is trying to keep us together” Nezu called out and they began to try and run in different directions. My hands came down to the ground sending waves through the Earth and walls around them. 

“Do you think you can run that easily” I was running again. I had to keep thinking. Faster, faster. With a swivel of my hands, Nezu had his mouth covered and was suspended in the air. All Might tried to help him, occupied. 

“I can’t see the original, she’s hidden” Eraserhead called out and then he moved to try to eliminate my copies, going physical then turning back to permeable. My clones landing hits he could not deflect. Snipe was shooting but the bullets went through the clones. 

“I’m not stupid” I screamed and grabbed No. 13 as my original self, her suit opened I moved to create the illusion of Cemetoss falling into her grasp, she screamed loud and deafening. She stopped and panicked as I placed the real one in front of her stopping the illusion. They were pressed to each other covered in mist. 

“You may be pretending to be villains but you are still Heroes at heart, isn’t that right” I smirked, Nezu was trying to escape so holding my hand tighter he was constricted with All Might trying to release the mist. I had to stay near the other teachers. Mic and All Might couldn’t use their quirks plus All Might was busy. “Real villains wouldn’t care who they hurt” I could see All Might looking around as I ran at him full force sending a weighted foot into his rib as he went flying. Nezu was left alone as I glared at the creature then running off going invisible to him, this was a lot. Maybe thirty thoughts at once. There was so much going on. I fell to the ground “Hello Mic” I whispered as he screamed. I covered my ears, they said I had to let one teacher see. I let Cementos see my body fall to the ground holding my ears.

“She’s down” and I was quickly up as another shout came bringing my body to the ground. I couldn’t hear. The illusions faulted shaking and stopping for a moment. No this is not how I would lose, my hands dug into the ground to somehow bring my thoughts back, my ears hurt so much. 

Bugs, he doesn’t like bugs. My eyes turned and then there was an army of bugs crawling up his body. Physical and going beneath his clothing, they felt real and the scream was real too. Covering my ears again as he tried to get them off him. “It’s just an illusion isn’t it” I whispered and stood to shake my head. Mic was still screaming and I turned the male towards Ectoplasm who in turn went flying to the other side of the field his clones dissipating into the air “You all care far too much” I was so mad, my head hurt, my body hurt. Forty thoughts. “You all thought I couldn’t win” I grit out and let Eraserhead see me for only a moment, not long enough to erase my quirk, I just needed a second. “You have to be faster” I whispered and he sent out his little scarf. All Might was running back over now. I simply distorted and he was crashing into Aizawa as I flipped back onto an illusion. “Power Loader is useless if you’re all in the same place, he wouldn’t risk hurting any of you” I yelled and then Power Loader was coming out of the ground. An illusion of children, his biggest fear. Not being able to save them “Watch out Power Loader, wouldn’t want them to get hurt” then they were falling and he was digging into the ground. Forty-five thoughts. 

I could feel Nezu trying to escape, he was persistent but I had a strong grip on him. Cementoss and No. 13 were doing the same I gripped them tighter. “You think you can win that easily” All Might yelled across the field and I jumped into the sky far above them landing in a piece of physical illusion. I was stationed above them my eyes moving wild as I thought of everything. Snipe and Ectoplasm on the other side fighting clones and trying to work together.  

“It pissed me off that I was the only one to do a test like this” I could see Cementoss, No. 13, Power Loader and Midnight struggling, Midnight was being held back by vines encircling her. I had forgotten about her but still kept the illusion going. Mic was still trying to get bugs off him still, trying desperately as they crawled over his body. Eraserhead looking around frantically. Nezu still cocooned. All Might was looking around as well, back to back with Eraserhead. Ectoplasm fighting a ton of clones with Snipe. “Bakugou should have got this” I called out and I was falling from the sky my legs covered in weights I came down landing a hard hit on All Mights' shoulders sending him to the ground “Todoroki as well, even Midoriya” I grit out moving to flip out of the scarfs way waving around the place. I was on the opposite side of the exit path. If I ran I could get there. I was flown back by a gust of wind, All Might. I landed harshly pain flaring in my back, landing on the ground and my illusions fell. 

“Gotcha” I tried to use them but I looked to Eraserhead who was staring straight at me the rest of the teachers following. No this is not how I would lose. I didn’t know how much time I had left. I was running full speed angry and losing my mind. 

“This was an impossible task” I screamed flipping over Cementoss and landing to make No. 13 fall to the floor. I threw myself back my hand landing on the ground as I flipped myself back a few times. 

“I can’t predict anything” Nezu yelled as he came to move out of the way as I jumped around. Making sure to always have a teacher between me and another. Then the clones came. I was moving quickly, he had to blink. He had never held it this long since the USJ. I was running out of breath and stamina. 

“You can’t predict instinct” I answered and one of the ectoplasm clones hit Mic as I dropped to the ground bending my back and then rolling the side. I was looking around frantically. I tried to push illusions as I wrapped my legs around Snipe sending myself back my hand grabbing the ground and sending him into Ectoplasm. “I never said I didn’t have physical abilities” I had to go faster. 

I felt my quirk return, he blinked. I was livid, every single angered thought I had ever had came rushing back. I screamed loud and over the field, as I slammed my hands down on the ground, there were too many thoughts. I continued to scream, the mist taking over my body. I was not going to lose, I was the best. I had to hide from Eraserhead but he would have to put in eyedrops before his next use. 

My body covered in the mist as I sent out shock waves sending the Pros back. More clones fighting, I was thinking so fast, copies moving insanely fast as I screamed “I will not lose to you” I felt my hair go over my eyes. “I refuse to lose” I screamed and then I was up and running. Running through them with speed unknown to my body. My legs ached and my head was pounding. I jumped high and sent my hand in a downward motion spiked illusions embedding into the ground “You all thought you could beat the next Number one hero, You’re wrong” I was so angry, throwing my arms out they were all collected and left in the air. So many thoughts “Now” They could all see me, eyes wide and dangling in the air as illusions ran across the field, there were so many “Watch me win” I grit my teeth and I was running off. I was on overload, my thoughts coming like the speed of light, Eraserhead couldn’t erase my quirk if he couldn’t see me. I placed the mist over his eyes. All these thoughts were my ultimate move, a move that no one could beat. I ran to the exit and with my heart racing and body shaking, I let Eraserhead see me as I walked past the threshold and turned back to them all, mist covering my body as they all stared in amazement.

I had won, I let the illusions fall and I swayed, I won, all the power faded and I felt my body ache as I looked to the teachers, I won, I fucking won. My mind was moving so quickly and my eyes rolled back as I fell forward my body giving way. I was falling quickly and then I hit the ground twitching, I had thought too much. Thoughts were running so fast I couldn’t keep up, my body couldn’t keep up with the commands. I felt my hand twitch.

 “Y/N” I was hoisted in someones’ arms. My eyes fell open but it was blurry and then we were running at least I think we were I could feel my body lightly bouncing, my arm hung over the side of whoever was holding me. “Y/N” I heard again but I couldn’t move my body. I hurt so much, was I hurting, no. I wasn’t in pain my brain was just moving too quickly for my body to follow. 

“Bring her here” I heard. I could still hear, my vision blurred but there were voices. So many voices. “Midnight, knock her out” and within seconds my vision went black and my mind went blank. The sweet bliss of sleep. 

-

I could hear people talking, my head hurt. I couldn’t open my eyes “Is she going to be ok” that sounded like Aizawa. “She’s been out for days” he added. Had I been out for that long? I did feel rested but my head hurt. Thoughts, they came rushing back and I replayed my fight. I had collapsed after it. 

“Her brain went into overload and shut down everything but her normal bodily functions. I don’t know how long she’ll be out but from the scans, she’s fine” A doctor maybe, I heard a thank you and then there was movement. 

“I knew we shouldn’t have pushed her that far” Midnight? Her voice was soft as I felt someone touch my hand the hand twitching lightly at the contact from another. “She fought so hard” I did, I put my all into it. 

“She did” Snipes’ country sounding voice rang through soft and mellow “When Aizawa erased her quirk she didn’t run, she fought. I couldn’t fight against the nine other teachers alone and yet she did with no fear” he sounded proud. Be proud of me, I won. I beat you all, I tried so hard to be the best. 

“Her parents refused to come to see her” Aizawa whispered and I heard a sigh come from my other ear. Aizawa on my right, Midnight holding my hand and I think Snipe was in front of me it was hard to gauge without my eyes open. “She’s trying so hard to be the top hero with all this stress. We shouldn’t have done it” I could hear the regret. Don’t regret facing me, I wanted it. I was scared and I panicked but during that fight. I felt alive, I felt like I could take on the world and I did, I won. 

“Why would they refuse” I felt a thumb rubbing over my hand slowly, pittily. Don’t pity me, my parents never cared there was no need to be sad. “I can’t imagine not seeing my child if they were like this” I could hear her sniffle. 

“They said they were busy” Aizawa answered and Midnights' soft hand gripped my hand tighter, I tried to hold it back. Nothing happened. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't, I couldn’t even move my lip or finger. I felt my hand twitch a few times but other than that I was still. “I don’t know how she’s coping with that and then school” 

“She’s not” was that Bakugou. His voice was deep and I heard the stomps coming into the room. Was Bakugou coming to see me? My heart fluttered and I was glad I wasn’t connected to the heart monitor. 

“No she isn’t” If my breathing could catch it would have, it was Todoroki. Had they come to see me? Who else had come to see me over the days, was my class worried about me? Did I do good in their eyes?

“She wasn’t sleeping, she came to Yaoyarozu’s study session of a day then came to Kirishima and my own of night and proceeded to go home and study. We asked her when she had last eaten and she couldn’t remember” Bakugou was outing me to the teachers wasn’t he, though his voice didn’t hold the same vigour it usually did. He sounded, sad.

“Her parents yell at her” Todoroki, why were all my secrets being placed out in front of me like it was nothing. “She got calls at study sessions and it was just her being yelled at. Her mother made her wait for hours after school to pick her up. I sat with her” was this important information that needed to be out in the open. 

“And yet she still gets up every day, trains and comes to school on time, takes notes and can get the best grades” I could hear the smile from Aizawa as he laughed lightly and continued “She deserves to be a hero”

My eyes were blinded to the light flooding my eyes, I was crying, again. I cried so much, so many emotions. At the sound of a shaky breath everyone looked to me I was moved into a sitting position as my hands came to my face and I cried. I felt Midnight rub my back as I sobbed into my hands. 

“I just want to be a hero” I whimpered and when my head rose I shook my head “I just want people to be proud of me” I wanted to save people, for someone to look at me and tell me I was the reason they were pursuing their goals. I wanted to show the world that even though I have a deceiving quirk I can still be a hero. 

“I’m proud of you” I looked up tears streaming down my face as I saw Todoroki nod encouragingly “The whole class is. We were all screaming for you during your match” I listened so intently. I always feared the class didn’t like me. “I’m sure Bakugou is proud of you,” said blonde was elbowed in the ribs. I smiled, wobbly and uneven but smiled.

“Bastard” he grits out and leaned to one side and his head fell to a tilt and huffed crossing his arms “Yeah whatever” he whispered and turned way. I would take what I could get from the angry blonde. 

“All the teachers are proud of you” My eyes left my peers and I looked to Aizawa who nodded happily a smile on his features. “I can promise you every single teacher and Pro in Japan is proud of you. Your video has been sent to agencies so they can see what they have to fight for. Something we do during the finals and we would've passed you if you just evaded getting captured but you won fair and square” I was crying again and I felt my shoulders shake as I nodded.

“Thank you” I whispered and looked up at all the people “Thank you all” I nodded and sighed out. Moving my legs as I felt the blood rush down. “I hope I can improve and be the best hero you’ve ever seen” I nodded and all the teachers did too. 

I spoke for a while more and the teachers were off “Thanks for saying I deserved to fight them all” Bakugou huffed out and I smiled moving my hand slowly to pat his. He had moved to the side of my bed.

“I meant it” his eyes widened “I’m not kidding, I didn’t think I was going to win. I mean who would but I used your anger tactic and just lit the fuse” I nodded and his face was blank “You were a major factor to my victory” my eyes moved to Todoroki “You too if you didn’t help me calm down. I don't think I would have survived until the end” I nodded. “For that, I thank you both” I nodded. 

They both sat with me and Bakugou pulled out food and I couldn’t help the laugh that rang through my hospital room. “Shut up” he yelled and placed the bowl on the hospital table pushing it over my bed. 

“Thank you Bakugou” Todoroki moved to sit on the bed as I moved to cross my legs. We continued to talk and we spoke about my fight. Partway through the conversation “You two came together” I asked moving forward to eat some rice. 

They turned to each other and I watched Todoroki smile “we were both worried about you, we’ve come for the last few days. Aizawa stayed here for a night and everyone in the class has come at least once” he explained and I nodded smiling. 

“I wasn’t worried” Bakugou yelled and I could hear a few pops from his palm, Todoroki and Bakugou began to bicker. Bakugou mostly yelling and Todoroki being his calm and charming self. 

“You were the one who asked to stay after visiting hours because you were worried” the blonde flushed and moved his hands around. They looked like a couple if I was honest. My heart did the fluttering thing. I wouldn’t mind dating them. 

I paused my mouth open rice hanging in my mouth. What did I just think, no? I thought to all our encounters, I always got happy and my heart sped up. Do I have a crush on not only one boy but two? Two boys who seemed to hate each other. I looked back to them as they argued. They acted like a couple, they did come together. Were they a thing? A secret thing? I had noticed them eating lunch a few times, walking the same way. Sharing notes. Were they together? Oh no, did I have a crush on two gay men? Or were they Bi, Pan, Demi?

“Are you ok Y/N” shaking my head I turned to Todoroki as a hand was placed against my forehead. I flushed “You’re heating up, do I need to get a doctor” his voice was so plain but I had to admit I found it appealing. It was nice and soft to the ear. Something I could easily listen too forever. 

“No” I stuttered and shook my head quickly Bakugou raising an eyebrow “I’m fine, I am” I continued and waved my arms around before digging back into the food “The food is good, did you make it,” I asked trying to change the topic. 

A cross of his arms and a firm nod he smirked “Of course I made it and it’s good. You liked the spice from the noodles I gave you so I made something similar” I smiled, of course, he was also good at cooking, why wouldn’t he be he was good at everything else. 

“You’re cooking is quite good. I like your cold soba” Todoroki nodded and Bakugou rolled his eyes. Bakugou makes food for Todoroki, I didn’t think they hung out but from the look of it, it wasn’t a one-time thing. 

“The best soba is hot and spicy not your weird ice cold shit” Bakugou shook his head and then began to retell a recipe with such great detail I followed every single word as we went along, I felt like I was making it. Then pointed out all the negatives of cold soba and positives of hot and spicy soba. 

“I still like cold soba” Todoroki shrugged and the blonde huffed turning away. Did they meet up, study or something? Were they friends. I knew Bakugou didn’t like Midoriya and Todoroki and Midoriya are friends so by relation he wouldn’t like Todoroki but it seemed that was false. 

“You can like it but it’s still not the best” Bakugou was really in tune with his food, very passionate. I could cook pretty well but from the food he had given me, his technique and skills were well above my own. 

“I beg to differ” Todoroki simply stated and then they were talking about something else. Todoroki was about the only person who seemed to be able to hold a normal conversation with the explosive teen. 

“I’m glad you two are getting along” they both looked confused as they turned to my body, holding the bowl in one of my hands as the other holding the chopsticks. They looked to each other and then looked back “I mean from the festival, you two seem to be getting along” I smiled and nodded to the two who had blank stares and confused eyes “I’m happy” 

They didn’t question it, a few more hours in the hospital, I was allowed out. Help from the boys I was asked to contact a parent to come and pick me up. I held the phone to my ear as I heard the phone call. 

“What do you want?” My mother picked up and I could hear she was in the car, the phone clicking over to the new device. I didn’t know how to respond, I didn’t want a fight but I was very lethargic and tired. 

“The doctor asked me to call a parent to pick me up from the hospital” I answered and the line went silent. I pulled the phone away from the screen flashing allowing me to know the conversation was still going, I was surprised she hadn’t hung up. I mean she didn’t want to come to visit me from the information I was provided. 

“You got yourself into that mess you can get yourself out” and with that, the line dropped. I licked my lips and turned to the doctor who in turn looked to the ground in pity. I locked my phone and placed it in the jumper Bakugou let me borrow. 

“Um, I’ll get my way home. I’m ok” I nodded and the doctor left. I looked down and sighed. I saw the boys looking me over as I fluffed the pillow anxiously. “Thanks for the jumper Bakugou. I’ll wash it before giving it back” 

“It’s fine, I don’t wear them often. I get too hot” I nodded in understanding, his quirk was sweat based so I couldn’t blame him for getting overheated. I liked it though, it was a lot better than just wearing my hero costume. It was long and much larger than I, fluffy as well. A gauntlet on the back, he said it was a gift from his dad. “We’ll take you home” the words were mumbled but I caught them. 

“I’m just fine. My mother is just busy, you know mum’s on a mission. Always out” I breathed out slowly my voice falling “And about” who was I kidding. She didn’t care, she couldn’t care less about me. 

“No, we will take you back. I was dropping off Bakugou anyway. My father has someone to drive me around. If I drop you off they get paid more it’s a win-win” Todoroki was good at convincing people efficiently and easily. Natural. 

We were out the door and loading into the car. It was fancy, a limo. His dad was the number two hero and strived to show everyone just how important he was. I guess it was a perk but I knew he wasn’t the nicest man ever. I simply sat back and let my mind rest. It was almost an hours drive. 

“Don’t you live in a rich area?” Bakugou asked when he told the driver the address, coming to sit back down with Todoroki and I. Crossing my legs on the seat I nodded. 

“Kinda, both my parents work in big businesses, they think it's a personality trait” I answered and got a stern nod like he knew what I was talking about. Maybe his parents were the same, maybe not. Maybe he was just good at people and no one knew.

We talked in the car and as I was stepping out I went to take the jumper off, I was home now. I could give it back having only worn it for just over an hour. “Keep it, it’s fine. Dad will be happy someones’ getting use out of it” he was so nice. I thanked them both again as Todoroki helped me get my bags I had brought to school. I waved “I’ll see you both tomorrow” and with that, they were off. 

_______________________________________________________________

Chapter 7

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Second Chance 8

Harry Potter AU 

Link to Chapter 7

Pairings: Sirius Black x  Reader 

Rating: M

_____

2: 00 am

Sirius sat at the dining room table as the grandfather clock in the hallway went off. He didn’t look up from the glass of whiskey in front of him. Sirius couldn’t look away. He didn’t even want to think about the events of the day. Matilda was gone...his sweet spunky daughter was gone. Watching her die in front of him was something that Sirius would never forget. He saw it every time he closed his eyes.

He saw that vacant look in Matilda’s eyes as her body hit the floor...at his feet. If Sirius had just moved fast enough...he could have grabbed her. Matilda would be alive and none of this would be happening.

It's my fault…

Sirius’ mind went to you. He wouldn’t forget the devastated expression on your face as you screamed,

“Sirius, get her! Save her!”

Remus stepping into the room pulled Sirius from his thoughts. His best friend looked as exhausted as Sirius felt.

“Y/n is sleeping. I gave her a safe potion.”

Sirius nodded as Remus sat down. Remus’s attention turned to Sirius. His best friend looked completely broken. Sirius looked worse than he had that night at the Shrieking Shack.

“Good.”

He said sadly. Remus sat silently for a few moments before taking a breath.

“Sirius, I know what you are thinking and it isn’t your fault.”

Sirius snorted.

“If I was any kind of father I would have protected my child. Now she’s dead...and Y/n is pregnant with another one that I will probably…”

Sirius stopped talking. He couldn’t continue the sentence. Remus took a breath.

“Sirius, you couldn’t help what happened. Matilda had no business going after that man. You can’t stop someone from making bad decisions. You are not a bad father and Y/n is not a bad mother. Beating yourself up and drinking a whole bottle of booze will not bring your daughter back...nor is it healthy.”

Sirius slammed his hands down on the table making Remus jump.

“I know damn well that it won’t bring my daughter back!”

Sirius sunk back down in his chair before focusing his attention on Remus. He had been so lost in his own suffering that he forgot that Remus had lost Matilda too.

“I’m sorry, Remus.”

Remus nodded.

“It's fine. Emotions are raw right now. You should go be with Y/n. She will need you more than ever in the coming days. The two of you will need to handle this together....not apart.”

(the next morning)

Your eyes fluttered open around 7 am. Almost immediately you felt like you were about to go into a panic attack. The realization that Matilda’s death the day before was not some horrible nightmare made you begin to breath heavily. Your sweet bubbly sarcastic little ray of sunshine was gone never to return.

“Y/n?”

Sirius’ voice sounded groggy as he flipped the lamp on. He looked exhausted as the realization of your panic attack hit him.

“Come here.”

He said before pulling you into his arms. You snuggled against his bare chest trying to calm down. Sirius was trembling as much as you were as he soothingly rubbed your back.

“This is horrible, Sirius. I don’t think that I have ever hurt this badly.”

Sirius closed his eyes automatically. A truer statement had never been made. He thought the pain of losing you when he was thrown into prison was bad. Hell, he would have gladly gone back to Azkaban if it meant Matilda was still alive.

“It's my fault. I didn’t move fast enough.”

You slowly pulled back and immediately shook your head.

“It is not your fault! Please don’t blame yourself.”

Sirius sighed, miserably.

“How can I not? I was supposed to protect her and I failed miserably at that.”

You wrapped your arms back around your lover. Neither of you spoke for a few moments as both of you lay down.

“Because it isn’t your fault. I can’t tell you how to feel but I don’t blame you.”

Sirius didn’t speak. Instead, he kept his eyes locked on the ceiling. Something told you that both of you were going to spend a lot of the following days silently miserable.

The following weeks were some of the hardest of everyone’s life. To Remus’ surprise, it wasn’t Sirius pulling away from you but you pulling away from everyone else. You started working longer and longer hours leaving Sirius and Remus worried out of their minds. Tonk, Moody, and Kingsley promised to keep a close eye on you but they were worried too.

You stood in the bathroom brushing your hair one morning. Sirius stepped into the room and leaned casually against the doorframe.

“Stay home today.”

You didn’t look in his direction immediately.

“Sirius, you know I have to work.”

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and let his attention fall to your stomach. You were finally beginning to show. His eyes were locked on the small curve of your stomach.

He waited a second before quickly moving behind you and pulling your body against his. Sirius was relieved that you smiled when his hand covered your stomach.

“I think you need to slow down. You’re starting to show.”

You reached down and put your hand over his.

“Sirius, a lot of women work when they are pregnant.”

He sighed from behind you.

“They aren’t my fiance. Most of them also aren’t going after homicidal maniacs either.”

“Sirius…”

“Well, forgive me for wanting to protect what family I have left.”

He snapped before turning and walking away.

(2 weeks later…)

“I’m worried about her.”

Remus said over his cup of tea. Sirius nodded.

“You and I both.”

Remus had I tried talking to you just as Sirius had (minus the feeling you up part because that would have been awkward as hell.) Just like Sirius, you dismissed him. You actually called him a worrywart and to stop acting like your mother.

“She isn’t sleeping is she?”

Remus questioned. Sirius shook his head.

“Not really. She laid down with me for a few hours but if she slept...I don’t know. I’m worried about her and the baby. Apparently, me voicing my concern is controlling. We already lost one kid, I don’t really want to go for two.”

Remus had to look away from his best friend’s face. Tonks stepped in with a concerned expression on her face.

“I’m sorry to bother you two but I think you should come with me.”

Both Sirius and Remus stood up and followed Tonks into the dining room where you stood with the table covered in papers and files. You were looking around almost maniacally as you tapped your fingers on the table.

“Love, how long have you been awake?”

Sirius asked. You held a hand up.

“Doesn’t matter...I need answers...I have ideas and I think I know how to get a hold of three dorks who are on my list.”

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other. Sirius leaned over to Remus.

“We’ve seen her like this before.”

“Yeah, O.W.L exams in 5th year. Three days and no sleep...by day three she was crying over penguins in Antarctica.”

Sirius winced. The memory of you crying all over him because of penguins was one weird thing to remember. Sirius stepped forward and gently pulled you against him.

“How are you staying awake.”

You pointed to the mug on the table.

“American coffee works wonders. No wonder they are on edge all of the time.”

Sirius pushed the cup away.

“You are going upstairs with me to lay down. No more coffee or whatever else you are drinking. This isn’t healthy for you or the baby. I am putting my foot down and saying no more. If you take a nap, I’ll come down here and help you with whatever rabbit hole that you have gone down.”

You snuggled your face against Sirius’ chest. Maybe a little sleep didn’t sound too bad.

“Fine.”

Sirius kept his hand locked around yours as the two of you went to your shared bedroom. He wanted to make sure that you didn’t try to make a run for it.

Shutting the door behind him, Sirius pulled his shirt over his head as you laid down. You didn’t fight him when you were pulled against his chest. It was nice being close to him. The physical contact was almost heavenly.

“I’ve missed you...the real you.”

Sirius said, softly. You breathed in his scent feeling guilty about your “absence.” It didn’t matter how many times you tried to tell Sirius that it was for good reason; he wouldn't believe you. All that he saw was you were not at home as much.

“Sirius, please don’t.”

Sirius groaned.

“What do you want me to say, Y/n?”

“Nothing, I want you to say nothing.”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Well, I’m not that kind of guy and I think you know that. You have known me for a long damn time and I am not a stand back and watch it happen kind of person. I am watching you fall apart and can’t do anything about it.”

You poked your head up.

“I am not falling apart. I am doing the best that I have ever done at my job. Hell, I just locked up one of the Rosiers up last week. What about you?”

Sirius frowned.

“What about me?”

You motioned to the bottle of whiskey on the bedside table.

“You are drinking more than ever. I thought that it was bad when you got out of Azkaban but it's worse now. You have to have a drink to function now. If you don’t drink you're just a blob that hates everyone.”

Sirius’ mouth dropped as he got out of bed.

“A blob that hates everyone? That’s how you feel?”

You nodded.

“Face it, Sirius. We are both barely functioning right now. When was the last time that you touched me?”

Sirius quickly pulled his shirt back on muttering under his breath. He turned back to you with a glare.

“It's hard to touch someone who is never here.”

Over the next few days, neither Sirius nor yourself spoke a word to each other. Instead of asking how you were feeling, Sirius had Remus do it. You would talk to your brother no matter how mad you would get at Remus. This left poor Remus in the middle of what appeared to be World War 3 between the two of you. He would just awkwardly look between the two of you as you both hissed snide comments to each other.

The only thing that you were glad about was the fact that Harry had gone back to school. You didn’t want him seeing the shit show that his godparents were going through. He had offered to stay home and be with you if you wanted but you had quickly dismissed that.

“Y/n, I can stay home. I don’t feel right leaving you.”

Harry said as you dropped him off at the train station. You had smiled and ran your hand through his hair.

“You're sweet but you need your education. I will be just fine and so will Sirius..”

Harry took a breath.

“I feel like it's my fault...you know...with what happened to Matilda.”

You pulled the boy into a hug and gently stroked his hair.

“Harry, that was not your fault and I don’t want you to blame yourself. You told her not to go. Darling, you can’t stop people from making decisions. I don’t blame you and neither does Sirius. You’re as good as our son. I am very proud of you.”

Harry looked relieved by your comment.

“I’ll write to you soon.”

You nodded as he hugged you once more then went off to join Ron and Hermione.

“Sirius!”

You ran into Grimmauld Place screaming your fiancé’s name.

“Sirius, where are you?”

He stepped out of the kitchen with Remus behind him. Both looked surprised to see you and by the fact that you were talking to Sirius.

“What’s wrong?”

He asked, clearly confused by your sudden burst of happiness. You were smiling so big he wondered if you were high on caffeine from coffee.

Reaching out you grabbed his wrist to tug him with you.

“I have a surprise for you!”

Sirius raised an eyebrow before meeting Remus’ confused expression and shrugging.

“You talking to me is a surprise.”

Sirius said, snidely. You chose to ignore the comment and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. Standing on your tiptoes, you tried to reach him but your slowly extending stomach was beginning to prevent any kind of cuddles.

“You’re snippy right now but you are about to thank me.”

Sirius wanted to play “hard to get” but having you this close was too heavenly. Had he really forgotten how nice it was to feel you this close to him?

“Okay...well let's go see what it is then.”

Sirius followed you into the dining room and froze the moment that he saw Peter Pettigrew tied to a chair. Tonks stood with her wand pointed at him, ready to attack. You grinned.

“Surprise!”

Both Sirius and Remus’ mouths dropped as you walked over to Pettigrew and glared down at him. Sirius opened and closed his mouth to speak a few times before actually speaking.

“How did you? Where did you? Help me out here.”

You grinned.

“I caught him. Can we just say that I did a good job?”

Peter winced.

“She beat me up.”

“You’re lucky that I didn’t kill you.”

You said, smacking him again. Sirius crossed his arms over his chest. He wanted to laugh and make a joke that Peter was pathetic enough to get picked up by a pregnant woman. On the other hand, Peter was picked up by Sirius’ pregnant girlfriend! What if you were hurt?

“Are you okay?”

Sirius asked, reaching for you. You nodded, letting him run his hands over you to check for “injuries” that didn’t exist.

“I’m fine. Are you surprised?”

Sirius nodded.

“Honestly, yes. So Peter, how does it feel to have your ass handed to you by a pregnant woman? This is actually fucking hilarious.”

You slowly removed yourself from Sirius’ arms.

“I am going to go call the minister of magic. We have a score to settle.”

Sirius, looked like he had won the lottery, as Remus sat down beside Peter adding a second wand to the guarding.

“You all are calling them?”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Y/n is an auror, you twit. Did you think that she was going to bring you to dinner or something?”

Peter shivered, knowing that he was fucked.

“I heard your daughter died.”

He commented. Sirius instantly froze as the smirk washed over his face.

“News travels quickly.”

Peter nodded.

“Do you think that you are going to keep that other kid-safe? It will die just like Matilda. You’ll never be able to keep them safe. You sent your pregnant fiance to catch me.”

Before anyone could say anything Sirius had knocked the chair over that Peter was sitting on and was beating the hell out of him. Remus and Tonks both stood motionless letting Sirius have the time of his life. After a moment, Remus slowly pulled Sirius off.

“Don’t kill him. Let the dementors do it.”

Sirius slowly backed off as you walked back into the kitchen with Rufus Scrimgeour. The older man froze seeing Sirius.

“You! We have been looking everywhere for you!”

You quickly stepped in front of your fiancé.

“Minister, he didn’t do what he blamed for. I have the proof of it.”

Scrimgeour frowned.

“I hope you have an entertaining story.”

You grinned.

“Oh, I do. See that piece of very beaten up trash over there? That is Peter Pettigrew.”

Scrimgeour blinked a few times as he took in what you said.

“Black killed him.”

“I should have.”

Sirius muttered as you gave him a scowl. Walking across the room, you pointed your room at Peter.

“Talk trash.”

You snapped. Peter winced up at you before turning to the minister.

“Before she kills me, I’m Peter Pettigrew. I….did it!”

He screamed before crying like a little baby. You turned your attention back to Scrimgeour.

“I would like you to clear my fiancé of the charges and I want it in writing. If you want to go the extra mile to kiss my ass, you can make a radio announcement of what really happened.”

Scrimgeour was silent as he looked between Peter, Sirius, and yourself. This was the last thing when he received a call from one of his top aurors.

“This was definitely unexpected. I think your requests are legitimate and I will grant it. Mr. Black, you’re cleared of all charges and I offer an apology. I’ll just call out to Azkaban to have some dementors come to pick Pettigrew up.”

You felt Sirius tense behind you. Without turning, you felt him tremble. It didn’t take you being an auror to know how afraid he was. The last thing that he probably wanted to think about was one of those hooded menaces being within a few feet of him.

Reaching behind you, your hand found his. You pulled his arm around and held it to your stomach. Sirius stopped trembling a bit and gently stroked his thumb over where his baby was.

It isn’t over…

The thought was negative but Sirius didn’t care. He knew that no matter what the ministry said there would still be people who were convinced that he was a murderer. People would still whisper anytime that he would be seen in public. Sirius winced at the thought of the comments that would be made your way.

“Did you hear that he is the father of Y/n Lupin’s baby? That poor child having a murderer for a father…”

You turned in his arms with a worried expression on your pretty face.

“Let’s go to the other room.”

You said, softly. The last thing that you wanted was for Sirius to have to look at the dementors when they came to take Peter away.

Sirius walked into the living room and glared out the window.

“For a guy who was just exonerated of all charges, you look awful miserable.”

Sirius ran a hand over his face before turning to you.

“Does it really matter? Y/n people are still going to talk. They will still think that I am a murderer and you, princess, are knocked up by a psychopath.”

Your happy expression faded.

“I am having a baby with the man that I love. We’ve gone through some shit lately but you're still the man that I know.”

Sirius leaned back against the window frame.

“I don’t think so. That man is long gone and this one doesn’t know what he wants anymore.”

“Sirius, you’re scaring me.”

You said. At the moment, you wanted nothing more than for him to hold you. Sirius sighed.

“You’re better off without me. Find someone else, Y/n.”

Sirius turned and walked from the room without another word. He knew that he was going to live to regret his decision but at the moment all he wanted was to get drunk….

_____

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