how many scars can a man hold
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amnesia rewrite! (chapter 4)
ch 1 | ch 2 | ch 3 | ch 5 | ch 6 | ch 7 | ch 8 |
original fic
words: 2043
ao3
contents and warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, amnesia, kid!janus, Janus finally gets a hug himself, fluff,
____
Roman couldn’t help but exhale a breath as he finished up explaining the situation to Remus and Virgil, “Any questions?”
To his relief, no one said anything, Virgil just shrugging at the question. He counted that as a small victory, especially since he was awful at explaining the answers to most questions, actually, why did he keep getting posted at the task of telling people when he was so bad at it? both Patton and Logan would be better at it than him, he was sure of it.
His train of thought came to a halt when Remus spoke up abruptly, his voice both more steady and more serious than Roman’s ever heard it “if that’s the situation then I think I need to stay away from him if J-J started sobbing when he found out the old king-y dude was all-'' he made a slicing of his neck motion along with the noise to go with it -“then I can’t imagine what his reaction would be if my thoughts voiced themselves like they usually do, while around him. So unless he actually asks for me, which I don’t think’ll happen, I’ll just hang out in the dark side, ooh! and I can experiment with the stuff that got banned for melting the floors! I wonder what would happen if I put it in cupcakes-“ he giggled maniacally to himself at the realization no one would be there to supervise him.
Roman cut him off, “I think for the most part your right, I don’t know how much he can handle right now, and we don’t want to overwhelm him, so yeah okay, Though I’ll make sure they’ll be someone to check on you so your not completely to your own devices because I imagine Janus wouldn’t want his room smelling like chemicals and.. whatever else you use for your... art projects.” He told him, ignoring the last bit of what Remus said. Honestly Roman was kind of proud of his brother, he was a lot more caring and considerate than he let on.
he gave him a small smile before quietly going “I’m glad Janus has you as a friend, you care about him.”
Remus rolled his eyes like a petulant teenager, it wasn’t like he was doing something super amazing for Janus Afterall, he was just being a generally decent person, he knew his presence might hurt Janus currently so he wasn’t actively going to be around him for a minute and sure yeah he cared about him but he cared for the sentiment slime goop in his room too so it wasn’t that big a deal.
As Roman and Remus continued their conversation Virgil slipped out of the room silently, unnoticed. not offering a reason for leaving.
____
Janus walked down the corridor, fingers brushing against the walls, feeling the textures, every now and then the paint changed into a different color, he would guess it was Morality and Roman’s doing since it often went from soft light blues to vibrant reds, making only small breaks to show swirly designs in purples and dark blues. he liked to feel how the different paint changed the texture, even ever so slightly, it was kinda cool to him, and it was something to do while Roman and the others were busy-
Ow
he reeled back immediately as soon as he felt his face slam into someone, luckily it didn't hurt much as the crash was cushioned with soft fabric, regardless though embarrassment still curled up and made itself at home in the pit of his stomach as the realization of he ran into someone finally dawned on him.
After the initial shock subsided, he just started apologizing profusely “I’m sorry! I’m so so sorry!! I didn’t mean to run into you! Are you- are you okay?” He asked as he finally looked up to see who the side he ran into was,
Their face was pale and freckle-clad and.. he knew him!
He gasped excitedly as he began giddily clapping his hands “wait! Hi!! Anxiety I remember you!” He grinned, ignoring how anxiety still hadn’t spoken up, he used to be very quiet so maybe he’s just still like that, either way, he continued “actually Wait- I remember you with a different jacket.. but! I like this one. It's cool!! I like the purple patches!- oh!! Also, guess what! morality and Logic have names! Isn’t that cool?”
Virgil shrugged and Janus took that as an invitation to continue.
“Do you have a name too? I bet if you do it’s cool! Like Ummm… uh- what’s a cool name?” He pondered aloud, not able to think of anything besides names like thor-Bonecrusher or other stuff of that variety.
Anxiety once again shrugged and Janus accepted that well enough; maybe anxiety just didn’t have a name, so Janus didn’t push, but he did continue chattering on happily enough.
At some point, Virgil started to continue walking, if slowly, down the hallway, to where he was trying to go originally, Janus immediately following him like an excited golden retriever puppy as he talked about.. hell knows what, Virgil couldn’t keep track. But regardless of that, honestly, Virgil didn’t think he minded Janus’s presence as much as he thought he would, he was fully willing to just avoid him when He left the conversation with Roman and Remus, not because he would accidentally harm Janus like Remus- well he might Virgil.. tended to be way to blunt but sometimes with things that annoy him, and earlier he was pretty certain Janus would only annoy him, hell, earlier all he wanted to do was avoid Janus because he knew he was still Janus and quite honestly he didn’t want to deal with Janus.
Though honestly Janus himself, while kind of annoying and overdramatic, wasn’t.. awful, like Virgil pretended he was, he inwardly sighed before just ignoring that specific train of thought, something he was actually pretty accustomed and successful at doing.
As he got around to tuning back into what Janus was doing all he heard silence, which given any other time he may have been happy for But this silence is almost.. somber? He looked over quickly and found Janus looking at the floor as he walked, though much slower than before, hell now he was actually walking a distance behind Virgil.
He was already looking at Janus but he could only double-take as he heard a small voice go “I’m sorry…” it trailing off after a minute before continuing, obviously unsure of what it had done wrong but assuming it’d done something “I- I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry! I don’t wanna be mean I promise! If you just tell me what I did I won’t do it again I promise! I’ll be nice! I- ‘m sorry.. ’m sorry..” his voice cracked and got smaller as he wrung his hands nervously.
And Virgil could only quietly go “shit I messed up.” because he could recognize the signs as much as anyone that Janus was halfway to spiraling, and honestly, Virgil couldn’t blame him after all they were walking a very long 15 minutes because somehow the hallway went on forever, and Virgil doesn’t know 90% of what Janus said because he just stopped listening and on top of that he hadn’t even spoken a word to the kid- and that was weird to think of him as a kid, but he was, he was an impressionable, anxious kid who desperately wanted other people to like him, and that on top of anything meant he probably thought Virgil was just ignoring him for something he didn’t even remember doing.
And he could only panic quickly as Janus’s eyes remained dead set on the floor, and he didn’t know if Janus was trying to disappear into it or if it was him trying to hide the fact his eyes were starting to get glossy with unshed tears because he wholeheartedly thought Virgil hated him- and oh fuck he really did fuck up.
He tried to think of what Patton did to comfort him and in an act of pure panic brain, he scooped him up in a secure hug and hoped that would help.
The result was Janus going almost limp before starting to dry hiccup as he tried to force the tears away after a moment he just confusedly went “but- but you didn’t wanna talk to me And you were ignoring me and you looked really annoyed and-“ he started wiggling from Virgil’s hold “no- wait don’t worry you don’t have to be nice to me if you don’t like me- I promise you don’t have to!” He rushed in telling him, trying to scramble so he wasn’t leaning on Virgil and Jesus this was almost as bad as when they all went to Virgil’s room with how anxious Janus was, he could practically feel the anxiety radiating off.
And he realized he really did have to actually talk to Janus, he wasn’t gonna get less anxious just by getting a hug, Virgil wasn’t Patton he didn’t have that magical ability, so he loosened his hold on Janus just enough to get Janus to stop trying to accidentally on purpose fall onto the floor before just going “I don’t dislike you,” and just those words alone made Janus go completely still, so Virgil continued “and I didn’t mean to Ignore you I just got lost in thought, though that’s definitely not an excuse, because even if I didn’t mean to I did, but the important part is i- I like you,” he told him, not confidently, because while he knew he would be lying if he said he disliked him he didn’t have enough time to sort through his emotions to confidently say he liked him.
But regardless of how uncertain Virgil sounded, Janus still looked up at him with eyes so filled with hesitance but also soft gentle hope as he shakily went “promise? No lies?”
Virgil offered a small smile, “promise, no lies.” He repeated and Janus barreled into him in a hug,
And As Virgil wrapped his arms around the shortest side for the second time in five minutes which has got to be some kind of record- he realized hey he was a lot better at this whole comforting thing than he thought he would be, which wasn’t really saying a lot but hey.
After a while of just standing there, the awkwardness and strain of standing still in a random hallway motivated Janus to unwrap his arms from around Virgil and retrieve his face from his being buried in Virgil’s chest.
And that only made it more awkward because now they were both just standing in the hallway literally just staring at each other.
So Janus, deciding he hated when stuff was awkward just went “do you know anything fun to do? I’m bored and morality and Logic and Roman are all busy.”
Virgil visibly thought to himself about options before going “are you in a movie mood or music mood? Or if you’re in none of them we might just have to kidnap Roman and see if he has ideas.”
Janus hummed before just happily going “I like music!” practically bouncing on the balls of his feet.
Virgil smiled before he got an idea, “do you like my chemical romance?” He asked and Janus seemed confused at what that was but eventually decided if Virgil liked it then Janus will like it too, so Janus just nodded in reply and just Virgil grinned.
——
Later Logan had to ask them to quiet down because he needed to work and couldn’t focus and he was almost certain that they were gonna damage their eardrums since he could hear the loud shouts of the lyrics coming from the speakers while in the kitchen, though, even if he failed at getting them to turn it down he was glad they were getting along, Janus was practically bouncing with how gleeful he was, even Virgil had a small smile on his face, so logan supposed even if later they had headaches from the blasting music as long as they were still happy it would be okay in the long run.
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Walking Blind + Thoughts on The Little Mermaid Being Episode 12
Let’s Talk About JSHK Anime #2
Warning: Manga spoilers up until Tanabata Arc (basically that + the entirety of season 1 + the skipped arcs)
I’m gonna talk about how the anime keeps proving my predictions wrong with skipped arcs, and later right, with consequences. Due note that this isn’t me hating the anime (because I love it). Just my funny experience attempting to Sherlock my way through the anime, plus my thoughts on The Little Mermaid being the finale.
No deduction works when it comes to predicting this series.
It all started when episode 5, The Confession Tree, came out. I was looking forward to it ‘cause I’m hananene trash af. Legit thought the entire episode was gonna be about Kodama.
But then the episode preview pics came out and I was like, “Sakura wtf are you doing here you don’t show up again until three chapters later?”
My first prediction was ep 5 would be entirely Kodama, and then ep 6 would be Young Exorcist. Seeing that these arcs serve to build up Nene and Kou wanting to know more about Hanako, I thought it’d be nice that we set aside two episodes just for that.
But then Kodama finished somewhere around the fifteenth minute mark, and we started Young Exorcist Part 1. Which was, you know, fine. But then instead of continuing, they jumped right to the end of the arc when Nene met Sakura for the first time, and then kept going to No. 5′s rumor and revealed Tsukasa early. Next episode’s title preview confirmed it, too. Ep 6 was gonna be 4PM Bookstacks.
Okay. I still had hope. Maybe they just rearranged the order.
On the other hand, the lack of ‘Part 1′ in the title was alarming. And it came true. They packed four chapters into one episode. A lot of things got cut. There wasn’t enough room for the op, and they had to run the credits while the episode was still ongoing. Though, tbh, other than Tsuchi’s line about him being able to change the books (with dire consequences), I didn’t have much problem with the cut scenes.
Then this thing showed up.
Before ep 5 I didn’t think we’d get Donuts until around episode 9-ish. But nope the No. 7s would meet each other in ep 7 (lmao see what I did there?). Again, I was fine with it, but I was a bit upset about Young Exorcist.
Someone said it may be moved to the finale, and I didn’t like that idea. Mostly because Yashiro, our main audience POV, isn’t in the arc. And it just sounds weird having a finale without your main audience POV.
They could put her there, sure, but that would mean adjusting Nene and Teru’s every future interaction. Even without shipping goggles or Nene’s romance-colored glasses, do you think Nene would still act the same towards Teru if she saw him hurt Hanako like that? ‘Cause that was brutal. Like she wouldn’t run and protect him like she did when they met Kou.
They put Kou and Teru’s resolution from Young Exorcist into their convo in episode 7. This kinda makes Teru a bit useless, though. I mean, he still doesn’t do much in the manga but the tension between him and Kou was supposed to set up this badass fight. Since it didn’t happen, and Young Exorcist isn’t gonna be the finale either, then he’s pretty much useless.
Anyway, the thing about Teru being onto The Broadcasting Club?
Not from the manga.
I’m not sure if Manga!Teru is really onto them. As far as I remember, it wasn’t hinted anywhere in the manga. Do correct me if I’m wrong. So what was the point of that change?
I didn’t get pissed until halfway through episode 7 and suddenly Mitsuba was there, but no fishes.
“What is he doing here, where’s that puffer fish, where’s his murder? Hello?”
I was very neutral about Mitsuba from the very beginning but when he showed up where The Little Mermaid (and my fish murder!!!) was supposed to be I kinda began to grow undeserved resentment toward him (I’m cool now though!). Totally, totally undeserved, because it wasn’t his character’s fault.
I was happy because Mitsuba stans got to see him animated (he was cute, and his VA was so good). But putting him in episode 7??? I mean they just left Hanako and Nene’s tension unresolved like that. That makes the episode really choppy in my opinion. They could’ve had the coolest final shot of the season of Tsukasa murdering that fish to scare and excite the anime-onlys. They missed that chance.
We got to episode 8. Pretty solid. Still would’ve preferred if its first bits weren’t in Donuts, but solid.
Preview title basically confirmed they’re skipping The Little Mermaid too. That was when I lost hope in Young Exorcist. But I tried to compromise. If they weren’t animating The Little Mermaid, then they have to put Hanako and Nene’s conversation and pinky promise in The Little Mermaid at the end of ep 9.
Episode 9 turned out to be my favorite. It was all thanks to Natsuhiko. He really cheered me up over our loss of two arcs. And my prediction was right for once. Hanako apologized for ruining the donuts. That’s definitely not the point of their tension (Tsu-ka-sa and trust), but it was still nice and I’d take what I could get. The hug. The hug was very nice.
I was mostly content, excited to see my boi Akane the next week. But then I thought, wait, we only have three episodes left. And we’re definitely reaching Hell of Mirrors, ‘cause No. 3′s silhouette is in the OP. Then the horrifying thought hit me.
They were gonna skip Searching.
But! The freaking post-credit showed up followed by this:
“They skipped Searching AND Clock Keeper??? Why on earth would you highlight Akane, with Teru of all people, in the OP then?! Paralleling Mitsuba and Kou no less!”
Due notice, yet again, the lack of ‘Part 1′ in the title preview. Before the episode actually aired, this was my train of thought: “Okay so they skipped The Clock Keeper and Searching, and decided to outdo episode 6 by packing 6 chapters (yeah, I counted “Reach Out Your Hand”) into one episode. Ahahaha ... what?”
Thankfully, they proved me wrong. Kay. Good. Thanks a bunch for fooling me with that title preview.
But then it freaking hit me. You got one episode left. The finale. Sure, Clock Keeper as a finale will be perfect. It’s a good hook for season 2. However. You can’t do Clock Keeper without doing Searching. It’d basically be almost the same as doing Donuts without doing The Little Mermaid. The finale wouldn’t feel resolved this way, because, again, there’s tension between Hanako and Nene (and Kou too) that isn’t resolved yet.
Not that Searching addressed the cause of the tension, but at least it brought the trio back to their status quo (well, with a bit of kounene and hananene development haha). Also, without Searching, it’ll only end like this:
Clock Keeper itself is 5 chapters. They can cut and modify. Sure. But y’all saw ep 6.
So that’s why I was sure we’re definitely not getting No. 1 this season. To me, that leaves three options for the finale.
A. Delivery + Tanabata Arc
Best pick in my opinion
It’s the direct continuation to Hell of Mirrors
The main trio are all there, especially our audience POV
More glimpses of Amane is always a plus point
The ‘getting hit by a bull, waking up in the past, and seeing your boyfriend before he died’ is just so random I think it’d be a pleasant surprise for the anime-onlys
Just wholesome in general, leaves the audience feeling good
The-ma-tic!!! You begin the series with Nene’s wish and end it with Amane’s isn’t that just asdfghjkl wish wish wish, everything’s about wishes in JSHK
B. Young Exorcist
Classic boss battle finale
Just Teru’s badassery *chef’s kiss*
Hanako getting emotional (something we haven’t really seen before)
Getting deeper into Hanako’s motive (episode 8 would’ve been more impactful had we had Young Exorcist before it, what with his view of disappearing/exorcism for ghosts being salvation)
Kou’s character development
^ counter argument: he already got the character development he went through in Young Exorcist in episode 6 and 7, plus, he and Teru already resolved their disagreements - though, not as impactful as in the manga
Also wholesome, HanaKou is great I love their friendship so much *sobs*
C. The Little Mermaid
@emee-ems pointed out here: “it started with the mermaid so they’ll end it with the mermaid” and I agree
Yashiro being persuaded to leave Hanako, while their friendship was what began the whole series? That’s some good conflict right there
Seeing Hanako worried about Yashiro leaving him? Good shit
Also wholesome (extra shipping content never hurts, either)
Hanako willingly opening up to Yashiro for the first time!!! That’s a big milestone for them
Yashiro accepting that he’s just not ready instead of not trusting her like she’d thought is *chef’s kiss*
That pinky promise! Starting the series making a bond due to unfortunate circumstances and ending the series making/staying loyal to a bond out of choice??? Good shit
Aaaaannnnddddd the verdict was:
Mmmmmkay.
I did previously think we’re gonna end the season with The Little Mermaid. But here’s the thing. It only works if everything is in chronological order.
Why? Because the tension that led to this arc in the first place is resolved already in episode 9.
The whole point of TLM is that conversation at the end, really, where:
Hanako apologizes for ruining the donuts (he already did in episode 9)
Hanako thanks Yashiro for telling him that she liked him
Hanako admits that he had a little brother and that he killed him (Tsukasa already confirmed both of this for Nene, both in episode 7 and episode 9)
So having Hanako repeating all this seems kinda redundant. Nene already knows. Sure, it’ll be nice to hear it from him directly ... but it’s too late now, isn’t it? It’s been four episodes. She’s met Tsukasa three times now. However, point number 2 is still available.
Furthermore, since Hanako already apologized in episode 9, I’m not sure if the fishes can use what happened in episode 7 to persuade Nene to leave him. I mean, she forgave him already. Tension resolved. They hugged and all. And it’s been so long since then.
Animating the fish murder scene is also kinda useless. It was supposed to give the audience a glimpse of how dangerous Tsukasa is. But we already know that. We saw him rip someone’s heart out and force-feed it to someone else.
The first half of The Little Mermaid Part 1 and The Broadcasting Club at the end of Part 2 are already animated in episode 7. That leaves them even more room for extra scenes. I hope they take good advantage of that.
Basically, they have to make a lot of adjustments and I’m curious to see what they’re gonna do.
I am happy that we’re gonna see The Little Mermaid. The way Hanako wipes Nene’s face with his sleeve, and then cradles her head? I need it, they make my heart melt. Can’t wait.
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Fragile Things, but OK.
Jakarta - September 15th, 2019.
It has been three days since I attended The Maine’s show Live in Singapore, and I am still emotional over the things I experienced. No, this will not be just another review about The Maine’s show in Singapore, nor this will be a story about my trip to Singapore, this is me wearing my heart on the sleeve.
You see, before we move on to the part where it got real, I want to underline the point that this entire blog post might be triggering. May you be a The Maine fan, or you’re just someone who feels insecure about a lot of things and you feel like the world is ending because you can’t do one favor a friend asked you to, or you just can’t seem to break a routine or a certain state of mind whenever you’re in a certain situation. Those are the things I will be telling in this post and this is me opening up to things I didn’t even know I have to admit before.
The past few weeks leading up to the show day was honestly one of the hardest things I had to go through. Juggling my day job and my side projects that includes handling some shows and gigs, I lost a lot of sleep and lack the motivation to keep on going because I was just emotionally drained and physically exhausted - I thought about dropping all my projects and just focus on my day job. I was not in a very good state of mind, I wanted to quit everything I knew because it didn’t feel fun, it felt like it’s weighing me down. I didn’t tell anyone, I still haven’t. All I thought was everything had to be done perfectly so I could go on my 3 days' leave for Singapore in peace. News flash, I managed to pull through, no quitting whatsoever and having that getaway to Singapore was such a reward.
Fast forward to the day I flew to Singapore on the 11th of September, with all the touristy-problem I faced the moment I landed, I managed to get to the place we were staying in safely, tummy full with good food, ready for my skin-care routine and visited the dreamland right after. Singapore time showed 2-ish am when I closed my eyes.
The next thing I remember was getting woken up at 7-ish am on September 12th. With eyes heavy, hair messy, I let my excitement fueled me to get ready. Just like most shows I went to, I was not alone. Here is my companionship.
I’ve known them all before the show and I’ve known most of them for a very long time. Other than the girl in the middle, whose name is Priscila and had only met at the show, everyone knew one another. I knew how much these girls love the band, I knew the sacrifices they’ve made before for this band, I knew, that The Maine had played an important role in their life - as they did mine. When we took this picture, we just wanted to have a picture of ourselves waiting in line, still looking so cute with all our make up intact despite all the humidity that filled Singapore’s air. Little did we know, Pris would be picked to get on stage and sing Taxi with the band later that night. Was I glad it was her? You’re damn right I was.
Several cold mineral water bottles and cold cans of POKA Green Tea, the gate was opened and we were ready to sing our hearts out. The lights were out, Adam Simons from the Wanderer took the stage, warming up the crowd before he hit the very same stage as The Maine’s additional guitarist / keyboardist.
Before the show starts, I kept thinking “which song would most likely made me tear up?”. My heart was just beating in its regular tempo. I was excited, but most of my friends were standing against the barricade while I stood against their backs. It felt okay, the stage was very near to where I stood, I would still be able to see them up close, and I did.
First song in, I sang out loud. I knew the lyrics to Slip The Noose, I could feel the energy from the entire room, it felt magical. But it wasn’t enough to keep me off the ground. Something was still missing. I wasn’t entirely okay. I was happy, but it didn’t feel the way it used to. When the band started playing the intro to Am I Pretty, I couldn’t help but look at John’s face and wonder... If a man that looks as good and as gorgeous as him still question his look, where would that leave me? I never really cared about what others are saying about how I look but at that moment, I didn’t feel pretty. My plus size clothing felt like they weigh another kg, but it wasn’t until they started singing Broken Parts I truly broke down.
I cried several times during the show while singing to Am I Pretty, (un)lost, How Do You Feel but listening to the first line of Broken Parts that goes like this “ well it isn't getting easier“...
My mind immediately raced back to the hardest weeks of my life that just ended exactly one week before September 12th, 2019. My mind raced back to when Crowd Surfers was hitting rock bottom and was getting so many shits. So I cried, not caring about the mascara and my perfect winged-eyeliner. My journey with Crowd Surfers was a wild ride and the moment John sang “But we're not beyond repair” that I realized, I was the broken part of this team, no, my team is not broken, but I am. I cried even harder.
I’ve cried during a song at another show before, but I’ve never cried as hard as I did during this song. In other shows, I would cry at some songs that felt personal, but I wouldn’t cover my face with both of my hands. That very night, I covered my face until halfway of the song. I didn’t open my eyes and/or see the band perform this song live before me, I just cried until I felt hands pulling me close, and I did one thing I don’t usually do, I embrace the hugs and let them see me crying. I let my walls down, all those defense mechanisms I had, I let them all go. For several minutes, I let the people around me handle me with care. For that moment, I wasn’t the one looking out for people. They looked out for me and it felt really nice. It felt really good. Somehow, as soon as the song ends, the four walls around me are back and I’m back on the looking out for people mode.
Especially when John decided he’d crowd-surf. My immediate response was helping the girls next to me when they fell. Mr. Lead-Singer was right in front of my face because the people holding him weren’t as strong, yet some girls were already falling, so I got no time to interact with him, my focus shifted back to getting the girls up like I always did. Yet that moment made me realize one thing. I’ve grown. I went from the girl who wanted a frontman or any favorite band member for myself to not giving a fuck about them when I saw others in need.
There was also a moment during Black Butterfly and Dejavu where I thought about this person. I’ve known him since 2015, I think. We talked a lot, met a few times, and I still keep something of his which I should probably return soon. The lyrics “ Just another lovesick afternoon, black butterflies and déjà vu. Hoping for the right words. Waiting for the right words.” really got to me and... Well, I’m hoping that 26 letters could explain my feeling toward this person.
It was also during the encore, Another Night On Mars, I realized something. That there’s someone I know, someone I’ve known since 2009, someone I watched The Maine with for the first time back in 2010, was in the same bulding yet I couldn’t see her. She wasn’t a part of my then current-group and Mars felt a little incomplete without her. We stopped talking altogether last year yet it didn’t feel right letting her be alone at that moment. I felt another guilt coming up my gut.
The moment the show ended and I saw her, I called her and apologized. We hugged. That moment felt like forever. It gave me a sense of peace. I didn’t even remember why I stopped talking to her, but that hug... that hug was what I needed. A sense of familiarity from the past, a reminder that I wasn’t always this uptight.
We then queued for a meet and greet with the band, a group of 5 or 6 people, they said. I went into the meet and greet with the people I cared about, resulting in this sweet little picture of us and The Arizona Boys.
Alright, we didn’t stop here. I was still on a mission to get some of my friends’ belonging signed by the band since we couldn’t ask for selfies or sign during the meet and greet, sadly I didn’t get it. I didn’t get the signature and I was beating myself hard because I managed to get a video and picture of myself with John, but no sign.
I didn’t want to post anything related to The Maine because I felt bad. My friend asked only for one thing and I failed. I did that, the fault was mine. Besides, in the picture I took with John, he looked very good and I didn’t feel pretty. The picture was taken after the show, after those break downs. My hair was greasy, my foundation wore off, no concealer concealed the dark circle under my eyes, my winged eyeliner was no longer visible, my lip color turned a shade brighter than it was initially.
During the meet and greet earlier, I told John I’ve never broken down as hard as I did during Broken Parts. John offered me a hug and whisper into my ear, “I’m glad you’re here tonight. I hope you’re gonna be OK in time. Thanks for the bracelet.”
Yes, I gave him the EMONIGHTJKT By Crowd Surfers bracelet in which we'll donate some of the profits to this organization called Into The Light to help to spread the suicide prevention awareness.
So yeah, having that message coming from John, I dare myself to look at the picture of him and I and the more I look at the picture, the more I felt like I deserved that. It wasn’t until Friday I posted my picture and John up on my Instagram Story, and I will post it again today, on my Instagram Feed. Because I now feel worthy of this picture.
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