#also i took my meds already and when I'm not productive on them I'm stuck in a very weird limbo of stress time that creeps incredibly slow

[enthusiasticarsonist]

rant incoming everyone ignore me ✌

[for20tofreedom]

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I woke up with this song that my mom used to listen to called "Happy Birthday Darling" stuck in my head. I always thought was a sad song. Probably because the only words I remembered were

"Happy birthday darlin'

I've no presents, no fancy cake

But I hope I'll make you happy

With everything I take"

I've found that the best way to break the song stuck in my head loop is to listen to the song a few times and it goes away. So I learned what all the words to the song were this morning and now I see why my mom loved this "sad song". I can't think of anyone in a relationship that wouldn't want to be told those sweet, sweet li...things.

I think this cheezy (yes, with a z) song is my song for 2019. Over the last year or so, I've been "taking" a lot of things away from myself that have diminished my quality of life; my favorite foods, things that I love, people I care about and beliefs I have held dear for as long as I can remember.

At first, it was extremely unsettling, I was very conflicted, but the more I cut out these awful things (that I love) the better I feel, I've been happier, more calm, but also very angry with myself because the more complacency I conquer the more I see how all of our choices in our beliefs and people have similarities to our choices in everyday decisions such as "where to shop?" or "what to eat?" and the way it slowly turns our self/ our life into a stranger.

For instance, first few times shopping at walmart is very gratifying because you know you are getting a very similar, if not the same, product that other stores have for less money. The problem comes when you quit shopping around and comparing stores and products and start getting everything from walmart. Next thing you know, all you have is a lot of cheap junk, items you know should last longer, so you don't want to toss them out. You've gotten so used to paying less that you no longer want to pay what a good, quality replacement cost. So you're stuck with half useless crap/baggage but you tell yourself "it's better than nothing...." or "it's better than what I had before....." and you settle for it

Let's compare this to doctors.

In Austin, I had some horrible experiences with doctors, the last year there I was hospitalized over 4 times and let out after a few days or week without any information as to why just being told it's probably because I'm walking around on my bad leg too much or because I need to lose weight. By the time we moved to Phoenix, I was literally dying, somehow the doctors missed the renal failure/stage 3 kidney disease (my right kidney is less than half the size of my left) and the one doctor that saw the abnormal blood levels in Austin never thought to do a simple ultrasound but he had no problem prescribing more pain killers that I specifically said I didn't need because I was going to a pain clinic already.

After being in the hospital here,, getting out feeling better, with real answers: I found a doctor's office and a P.A. that immediately found several big issues, easily fixed by simple life changes and I began to believe that this practice, these doctors, actually care about helping people. So I took their advice, skeptically at first but then as they gained my trust I began taking more prescriptions, thinking that they are researching, doing their job, looking out for me. 5 years later, I was in worse condition than when I moved here. The biggest issue was caused by the testosterone injections which led to blood clots. The P.A. delayed and then eventually refused to even give me the records of the injections so I could turn them into the lawyer. Probably because I specifically asked him about the risk of blood clots and he said there was none, "that was only there because if anything happens in a research study it had to be reported, whether it's caused by the medication or not". So I switched to a new P.A. in the same office, expressed my concerns and she seemed to care but under her care I wanted to get off all the prescriptions and start over. She was all for it but every appointment she is suggesting something new: coincidentally enough it was something that a pharmaceutical rep had just been there, that day, feeding them an expensive lunch and giving them a lot of free samples for their patients. Hmmm. That is when I realized I had settled, she only cared about me because she didn't have that many patients, as her clientele grew, she started prescribing more medications and listening less to the real issues I was having. Now I realize it has been a year and she can't even be bothered to send in a refill for my cpap supplies. I really did settle for better than I had before, so I'm taking away my doctor. It's scary not knowing how many I'm going to have to go see to find one that is worth my time but hopefully it will be worth it.

Actually I know it will be worth it, I'm just not looking forward to doing all the research, taking time out for appointments, etc.

With each one of these choices I gain momentum and it becomes easier to make choices that I thought were impossible.

I've had co-workers and friends that were horrible, toxic people but I believed they were good deep down, maybe just misunderstood (that is certainly how I've felt a lot in life, hoping someone would give me a chance to prove I am a good person), so I show them that I care, prove it with actions more than words. In the end I see that they just used me to get ahead, or maybe I was just better than they had before and not what they really wanted, just good enough or "what they could afford", so I've been taking these people away, cutting them out of my life.

For twenty years I have believed that I would always have to take pain killers. My leg hurts, all the time, a lot but I can't live with myself taking prescriptions everyday, at least not taking one's I know are causing more damage than good just for the sake of comfort. So I've taken them away and I've taken away the absolute beliefs that I need pain meds.

Even as I start this experiment, utilizing medical marijuana to relieve pain and withdrawals from years of opiate addiction, I am looking for a balanced life and if this isn't the answer, I'll take it away and keep searching.

So Happy Birthday to me,

I know I'll make myself happy

With everything I take.

#420tofreedom #opiatefree #medicalmarijuana #mmj #arizona #gettingmylifeback