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beewolfwrites · 3 years

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An Iron Box - The Answer

@cheshiya @tenseoyong @szallejhscorner @something-more-original-please @ofsunsetsandpoetries @nek0dzuken @allozaur @hiqhkey @serenzippity

That rooftop scene is growing closer, and so is my excitement :D

I’ve noticed a few new readers, and I just wanted to add a heads up that you can find the Tumblr post links and the AO3 links to each of the three fics at the top of my Tumblr, if that helps at all!

Here’s the AO3 link to this chapter too.

I hope you like it! <3

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‘Chishiya, I’d hate to be your enemy.’

When Arisu had spoken those words right as he punched in the code, he’d already made his fatal mistake.

You are all my enemies, in a way.

I stood back, watching as Arisu’s bloodied and unconscious body was slung over a militant’s shoulder and carried out of the royal suite. Usagi went next, kicking and screaming her boyfriend’s name. Just as she was dragged out the door, her eyes locked on me, and I could see the sheer betrayal there, the hatred burning and seething under her skin.

I simply smiled.

It wasn’t personal. It’s just how this world works.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice a pawn to reach the king.

The rest of us meandered out into the hall where the two traitors were being hauled towards their fate. I felt a hand clamp firmly on my shoulder, and fought the urge to move away when I saw Aguni standing beside me.

‘You did good, Chishiya. I never did trust those two.’

You should rethink where you put your trust.

‘Don’t mention it,’ I said. ‘It’s the least I could do.’

There was a furious cry down the hall as Usagi bit someone’s hand, followed by a slap, and then silence. I already had an inkling about what would happen to the two of them. Knowing Niragi, he would have some fun with Usagi before disposing of her. Perhaps I should’ve felt guilty. Some people certainly would. But there was a small, satisfied part of me that was glad it was her instead of...

‘That reminds me,’ Aguni said. ‘How did you know about them?’

‘Ah… that.’ I took the walkie talkie out of my pocket and flashed it to him. ‘They tried to get me to join them. I went along with it to find out the details, and you know the rest.’

Aguni’s brows furrowed at the sight of the device, but he didn’t ask to inspect or keep it. That’s when I knew I had him wrapped around my finger.

‘I understand. If you see any other suspicious behaviour, let me know.’

‘Of course.’

I nodded politely as he disappeared down the hall and submerged himself in his room.

Now that those two were taken care of, the militants would be distracted for a little while. That left us a generous amount of time until dark, although the real plan wouldn’t take long to execute, especially now I knew where the actual safe was.

Aguni may have been observant, but not nearly as observant as I was. Knowing that he had come so close to having the cards snatched from right under his nose, it would’ve unsettled anyone. And in such an unstable situation, it was only human nature to seek stability by making sure that your precious items are untouched.

I guess I was wrong about the blank sheet.

There was a room on the top floor that I knew wasn’t currently being used. In such close proximity to the royal suite, it was the perfect hideout where I could talk into the walkie talkie without worrying about eavesdroppers.

Slipping inside, I pulled it from my pocket once again to tune it to a radio frequency I had told Kuina about earlier. Knowing her, she would have tuned (name’s) to the same one right after Arisu’s capture.

I lifted the walkie talkie to my mouth. ‘Kuina?’

There was a drawn out moment of static, then Kuina’s voice crackled through. ‘I’m here. (Name) still needs a minute though.’

I figured as much. Once she realised what was happening, it was inevitable that she would react badly. Having Kuina there to keep her away from Arisu and Usagi had been for the best. And now she knew that I had unwillingly involved her in a plan like this, her opinion of me had probably sunk lower than before.

Is this also for the best?

I sat down on the unused bed, deciding that yes, it was. She would only be a distraction. If it came down to it, I needed to survive. And once we left the Beach, if she despised me so much that she chose to go down a separate path, it couldn’t be better.

But still…

‘Chishiya.’ Kuina’s voice interrupted the quiet. ‘I hope you feel guilty for this. I seriously hope a small part of you realises how screwed up this was.’

I smiled at her lack of understanding. I realised perfectly well, but for the sake of surviving in a world like this, you couldn’t allow yourself to slip to the bottom of the food chain.

‘You’ve changed your tune,’ I replied. ‘Are you backing out all of a sudden?’

‘Of course not. I can’t afford to, and neither can (name).’ She paused, then tentatively asked, ‘Did you know? About her… and you, you know.’

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

‘Did you know she had feel—’ Kuina’s voice stopped, then she hushed, ‘She’s coming out now. We’ll be upstairs soon.’

The communication cut off, and all I could do was wait until they were in position. Wait, and mull over Kuina’s unfinished question. Obviously, they had been talking about me, but I almost didn’t want to know what they had said.

I waited fifteen minutes, and there was still no sign from either of them. If they carried on at this speed, we would run out of time. Growing restless, I held up the walkie talkie.

‘You two, how are things on your side?’

There was no response, but they would have to reply eventually. What I didn’t expect was her voice to come through.

‘You’re all good to go from where I’m standing.’ Her voice was still dripping with unspoken anger and betrayal, and it was surprising she was even willing to talk to me.

So you’re not as childish as you act. Who would’ve thought.

‘Aguni’s still in his room,’ Kuina followed up with a sigh. ‘We’re getting bored now.’

‘Then should we get going with the plan?’ I suggested. The reply I got was scathing.

‘We’ve already gotten going. It’s you who needs to hurry up.’

That attitude, it was almost laughable. How commanding (name) had become in an instant, as if she weren’t tagging along on someone else’s plan.

‘Patience,’ I reminded her, and turning down the volume on the walkie talkie, I cracked open the door.

In the hall, there wasn’t a soul in sight. It couldn’t have been more perfect. The royal suite was unguarded, and I easily slipped by unnoticed. Inside, the room was bathed in darkness, and it became apparent Aguni hadn’t yet bothered to move his belongings in. There were still traces of the incident earlier. The carpet by the open wardrobe was spotted with blood. Arisu’s blood.

I turned the volume on the walkie talkie back up. ‘I don’t know if Arisu is stupid or intelligent. Hatter was paranoid. He wouldn’t have hidden the cards in a normal safe.’

‘Where’s the real one then?’ Kuina asked.

I turned to the deer painting on the wall. It didn’t particularly stand out as anything special, just a deer’s face and antlers against a blue toned background. And yet earlier that day, despite all the commotion and Arisu’s screams of pain, it had captured Aguni’s focus.

‘When Arisu was caught,’ I said, slowly approaching the painting, ‘Aguni wasn’t paying attention. He was looking towards a certain picture on the wall. It turns out the paper wasn’t empty after all. It contained a drawing instead.’

Briefly placing the walkie talkie on a side table, I lifted the painting from the wall, uncovering the hidden treasure that I had been hoping for. The plaster had been carved up, forming a hole large enough to jam a small safe inside. And sure enough, there it was. A hotel safe, much like the one Arisu had tried, was embedded deep into the wall.

Her voice, sounded through the static. ‘So, you had no idea where it was until then?’

I picked up the walkie talkie again. ‘Exactly. What happened to Arisu was necessary if we were going to find the real safe. Speaking of which, I’ve found it.’

Now it was the moment of truth. The final test to see if my code was correct. I punched the numbers in one by one. 8022. Each one held its own magnitude, and I half-expected an alarm to ring out.

Except it didn’t. The safe display read ‘OPEN’.

‘You used him just for that?’ was Kuina’s tired response.

Really, after all this time, did she not realise that this was the price one had to pay? This world had a certain dynamic. In order to survive, you couldn’t allow yourself to get caught up in guilt or shame.

‘In order to gain something, you have to lose something,’ I said. ‘He’s just a sacrifice. Things like this happen a lot, don’t they?’

'No, they don’t. Not at all. I really don’t want to be your enemy.’

I smiled, remembering the betrayal in Arisu’s expression. ‘I get that a lot.’

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The deck was like a weight, swinging in my pocket. A surefire sense of power and danger, all hidden within a stack of cards. There was no way of knowing whether collecting them granted any passage back to the old world. But there was also nothing to prove that they didn’t.

Either way, I’m certain something will happen once the deck is completed.

These cards couldn’t be for nothing.

After replacing the painting, I told Kuina and (name) to meet me near the patio exit at the east of the hotel. I could’ve caught up with them on my way down from the top floor, but I wanted to make a small diversion.

I’d never felt any attachment to my room, and even now as I took one last look, there was nothing in particular keeping me here.

Well, maybe just one thing.

Pulling open the second drawer down on the desk, I felt around at the back for the tiny box. It was only small, and the ring inside even smaller. It sat open in the palm of my hand, the silver fashioned into a small sun with a glistening green centre.

Somehow, its weight was even heavier than the cards.

Is there any point?

I could’ve easily slipped it into my pocket, but it was practically useless. Even if I gave it to her, she would instantly reject it.

I placed the box back in the draw. It would stay a secret for the next person moving into this room. As I shut the drawer, I suddenly remembered another, darker secret hidden inside the one below. I opened it up, seeing the little souvenir I’d taken from my first game.

The pistol glistened inside, metallic and dangerous. Now that would certainly keep Niragi at bay. But again, was it worth it? It didn’t hold many bullets, and it wouldn’t stand a chance against a rifle. Once we were out of here, I could probably find something a little bigger, perhaps in Tokyo’s empty Yakuza hotspots.

I left it there along with the ring. Even walking away felt like tugging at a string that kept pulling me back towards that tiny box. I would have to rip that string apart.

Making my way down through the hotel, I strolled outside, dipping into the smaller paths where the patio was peaceful. The only sounds were the faded music drowned out by wind, and the soft trill of crickets. Two silhouettes came into view, one basking in the glow beneath a lamppost, the other hidden against the wall in its shadow.

‘I guess we won’t be needing these anymore.’ I pulled off the wristband I had gotten so used to wearing. Just as I reached the brick archway at the edge of the grounds, Kuina spoke.

‘Don’t you feel sorry?’

I paused. ‘Sorry?’

‘About what happened to Arisu,’ (name) said. ‘I feel really sorry for him. We both do.’

Kuina hummed in agreement. ‘Don’t you?’

I turned, glancing from Kuina’s frown to the figure behind her. No matter how hard she tried to hide in her friend’s shadow, I could always find her, especially when her eyes looked so full of anger and hurt. Standing there, both bracing themselves against the cold, the two of them echoed off one another in perfect harmony.

‘I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.’

I knew what line came next. She didn’t have to sing, so long as she was still breathing. Perhaps I could make her understand.

‘Is there anything we wouldn’t do in order to survive?’

Clearly, there was. Their eyes widened, as if the truth of this world hadn’t fully hit them yet. As if all my efforts had been for nothing in their eyes.

Fine. Very well.

I smiled, no longer caring to hide the bitterness. ‘If you both feel so worried, then maybe you should go and help him.’

And of course, neither of them budged. They knew they couldn’t. They were both so happy to come with me if it meant escaping the Beach, yet they still felt the right to criticise my methods. I turned back towards the arch and took the first step forward into freedom, only to hear that tiny, oh-so-familiar sound.

A buzzing.

‘It can’t be,’ I muttered.

This was always a possibility. But why here? Why now? Why, when I was so close to winning? Any other time, and I wouldn’t have minded. This, however, was simply annoying.

I was so deep in thought, I barely registered the footsteps behind me… the familiar form sliding past me… walking closer towards the arch.

‘Stop.’

My hand moved on its own, grabbing her wrist and tugging her back just in time. For one small second I felt the heat of her skin, right before it was yanked out of my grip.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ She touched her wrist as if it had been burned, unaware that it had been the other way around.

I couldn’t answer. The cold had settled back in, the emptiness. It only confirmed that nagging suspicion I already knew. The reason I couldn’t rip the string apart. She was the answer.

Kuina appeared at my side, waiting for an explanation. Her presence reminded me that there was something far, far more pressing at stake. Suddenly remembering the wristband I was holding, I tossed it into the arch.

A glowing red laser shot through the centre and it clattered to the ground.

The timing was almost ironic, too perfect to be true. Almost like the gamemasters had been watching us all along, just as they had with that little stunt they pulled in the Eight of Hearts. As frustrating as this was, I had to admire their creativity.

I sighed, turning around to see a wall of lasers appear along the parameters of the hotel.

Touche.

#alice in borderland #aib #chishiya #chishiya shuntaro #Chishiya x reader #chishiya x oc #Imawa no Kuni no Arisu #chishiya alice in Borderland

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rumblelibrary · 3 years

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The Diary of Doctor Laszlo Kreizler

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2

Synopsis: Alienist’s notes are private, sometimes gruesome, secrets of others and of himself.Those pages belongs to secrecy and decadence, have a glimpse to this world made of drafts, notes, accidents and reflections. Or maybe it is you the only person that should ever reach for it.

While you read this imagine Laszlo mostly at the end of his day, scraping the ideas and the thoughts, adjusting previous notes with additions, closing the day behind himself with a couple of sentences while sitting in his evening robe, a good glass of whiskey and his glasses bridged almost at the tip of his nose. Or maybe imagine yourself, you sneaky thing, reach for it from a far shelf.

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: listen, this is the set of ideas and confessions of a man living in the 1890’s. Most of them will be outdated, rough, even deprecating in some analysis of the roles of men, women and social status, religion, etc.So be prepared, my point is to make Laszlo reflect upon those topics, but to be as faithful as I can to his time. Mention of death, mutilation, self harm and sex. Psychologically troubled young children ahead! Author’s note: The story is placed between season 1 and season 2. Thank you for everyone that encouraged me to keep going. I have to wait for my local drop of serotonin to get fully Laszloed to go through this.

Lyra’s Contellation, Illustration taken from Uranographia by Johann Bode

Routine. Routine is comfort. Habit stabilises the character.

If you follow a routine, you won’t ever be victim of imprudence, of evil jokes of fate. The stability earned through calculated and repeated actions brings a sense of fulfilment that forbids other thoughts to come bashing in, breaking rules, breaking hopes that a solid scheduled routine forbids to have. I take my time to begin this week, I planned the things to do, the next steps for the case, the people to meet, the resources I am allowed to contemplate. I feel good, I feel back to myself and the events of the weekend seem far from me and my own perception. I probably got ahead of myself, carried by some instinctual though and random rush of emotion, to be always in contact with the same people and mostly kids probably doesn’t help my stance in the presence of other adults. I feel silly now reading back the last page, I felt tempted to tear it off, but to keep it there should be a small memento of not losing my temper so easily. I read it over and over and I know I am not as charmed as I thought I was. I am just lonely. I have always been and it is normal to face ups and downs even for a man of my age who is more accustomed to it. To desire a partner is a natural instinct, to find somebody attractive is meant by nature, it is the body calling for the natural fulfilment of the reason we are put on this very Earth. But even in a state of nature my own condition would be forbidding me to be part of the natural process of growing my own kind. I am the type of male that would be excluded because of his impossibility to give the protection to the pack, therefore it is just more reasonable to me to adapt to my condition. No matter what my Potentia generandi might be (the ability to procreate).

With all the smugness that characterises him, Niki showed off that he passed my challenge. But to be really of an help to his antics I didn’t show any kind of surprise. I treated him like he did the bare minimum, like he didn’t prove me any kind of superiority. He has a natural attitude toward challenging the figure of power, he is trying to overpower me, but I won’t satisfy his need. I have noticed he has a very technical brain, he finds ways to solve problems in ingenious way and not by throwing himself into the task. I proceeded giving him to work on a clock, an old broken one we had in the institute, one of the kids hit it with a ball years ago and nobody ever worked on repairing it. I gave him the clock, a couple of screwdrivers and a book. He called me a number of German names I won’t transcribe, but it gave me a certain amount of satisfaction. If my intuitions are right, I am sure the clock will be repaired by next week.

Analysis of the victim’s body through John’s eyes. The drawings and sketches are as detailed as I requested, all of this thanks to you joining him. I deal with art critic section, I am used to notice these things. You assure me, you play yourself low and I wonder why, nevertheless you did notice things neither John or I did, which pleased me. It fooled me, distracted me from my purpose to not give in to your witchery, as I leaned closer watching your pale hand move across the pages tracing this or that line, showing how this must be done with the killer on this side and not that side, with words so deliciously elaborate, your way of composing your speech is compelling, you could sell the drawing of a kid like it was a Botticelli. I noticed the shape of your hands, the way you move them, I wonder if you play an instrument, or played, some habits just stick with you through life. I focused on taking notes, your ideas and instructions giving me a new point of view, a new stimulus. What if that is the only way the killer can communicate? Or what if this is the communication that works for him? Could our killer be mute or deaf? Or that’s how society made him feel? This man, or woman, needs a listener and I am afraid that now, since he got our attention and the public’s, he won’t stop. Another killing could be just as close.

Scheduled: meeting with the parents of Alex Garel for new admission, Monday next week at 11 am. Love at first is a fetish and like all fetishes it is based onto an object that hides a deeper meaning, like gloves mean hands, to love at first sight means to see somebody that you think, and think only, to have the chance to share not only a sensual kind of bond, but an intellectual. Love at first sight is based onto not knowing someone well enough, but having the time to idealise most of that someone. I can see why I feel this attraction, using a particular phrase that Sara often mutters when investigating: you tick all the boxes. I know you do, your beauty is everything but conventional, you’re the kind of face that painters would paint and musicians would write hymns about, but any animal on the street would never be allowed to see. You have the grace of the body and the fire in the eyes, and then you speak. When you speak, I realise, you could bring the world to its knees. Also, you never speak out of context, and if you do it is to ease somebody’s position. You do it often with John or with Stevie, you say something really silly in order to put them back to a place of comfort. Some women would call it self deprecating, but I see that you only pick wisely your fights and your wins. You don’t need to earn your peace and quiet by neglecting, but by lifting up the others. I wonder if you do it with me too, if your silences are just you allowing me to be in a better place while instead your judgment is tearing me apart. I shouldn’t care, but I keep wondering, sometimes I take my time to answer you, I analyse every shade, every peculiarity of your question, I am looking for sarcasm, for a condescending voice, for something to hang on and bare you open. To prove myself you’re not perfect. But deep down I know that you do, you judge me and you do well.

Mother never said so. That’s what one of the girls in my care said today. Ursula. She is tough. Skin as thick as an alligator and the tendency to pull her own hair at night or when under a massive amount of stress, enuresis alongside erratic episodes of mutism. I tried the soft approach, it didn’t work. She is too accustomed to be indulged. Therefore today I pushed her a bit overboard, I teased her over opinions on the female body, the female role, she is only 12, but she is soon to bleed, she knows, I can tell from the way she clenches to her skirts, from the way she looks at me as a threatening figure. I am the incarnation of danger to her. Under her steady silence, I pushed a bit more, asking how her mother taught her to be nice and submissive. Does her mother tells her she is going to be a good wife? The phrase, which I reported at the top of the page, surprised me. What is her mother teaching to her then? What closed her so much, locked her soul away, making a small bird like this choose the silence and the retirement of self inflicted pain over, what? Mankind? Or just Men? Is that even a curse? Should I cure her from a truth that her own mother whispered to her ear one night before bed and made a child decide that the world wasn’t a place to share her time with? Am I the man supposed to teach her that men are worth of trust? In the eyes of modern society, who measures its own value over the modesty of the women, she would be a champion, but at what price? I can’t in any way let her parents bring her back home after our recent meetings. Nevertheless, I have to make up my own mind on how to give her troubled soul ease without making her believe in fables. I, as a man, regard myself not worth of any of the trust they expect me to teach her.

In all of my years practicing with people’s feelings and traumas, I challenged myself to find those same traumas within my own mind. It is a tricky game, terrible, anguishing at times. But it straightens me, the pain of others, the pain of kids mostly, so unadulterated and pure, breaks the curtain between me and the lies that I often surround myself with. Pain is made of method, you can open it up, you can scrutinise it, part it piece by piece dividing it in sectors and, partitions, centre part, side part, heart of the problem. Pain is reliable. Happiness is not. It is random, cruelly sudden, unexpected, it washes over you in such deflecting way only to leave you alone a moment after ashamed and alone. I saw you again today. You were in a table full of what I could only guess as your former university colleagues, I saw pain in you, not heavy but constant. Annoyance, a bit of sadness. Your head titling on side and your eyes drifting on the left, you’re imagining something away from them. A place? An object? Or maybe someone? Your hands play circles at the bottom of the flute of your drink like kids do, your smile only one sided. I don’t see you speak at all, only listen. What could keep your voice down? I almost gulped down my own breath as you looked up and I realised how I must have looked. I was having lunch on my own, in a very private table and even entertaining myself with a newspaper on the side. I wish you didn’t, but you came over, your eyes shining. Did I save you? Or maybe I was just a good excuse to leave that painful meeting behind. Don’t be so nice to me, it is not healthy. Don’t look at me like you expect anything more from me than me listening. I won’t smile back at you, I won’t give you care, attentions or thought. I won’t lean for your perfume, I won’t obsess over that dress you wore, that pin that adorned your neckline keeping your undershirt in place, a silver robin, I remember. I won’t remember the number of the buttons on the side of your glove, three. I won’t observe the little moles just under your ear. A small constellation, I later realised, hidden between your ear and the beginning of your neck. I don’t need to check in my books. It is a constellation. It is Lyra. Why? Why you must be like this? Are you the Lyra? Are you the instrument of Orpheus come to me to drag me out of Hell? The Tartarus holds my soul and you should know already, I am not worth the quarter part of Eurydice to be saved and she never came back anyway. I won’t be now recollecting the way your teeth sunk in the inner side of your cheek when you apologised for the annoyance. You apologised twice, I ignored you both times with a raised hand to request peace and silence. I am not letting you in.

Reserved: Tickets for Wednesday’s evening Traviata by Giuseppe Verdi. The guest female lead promises a beautiful show.

Leonardo, as I am learning through Paul Valery essay, is who I would define as a figure of projective identification of the Subject or, to better explain it, of the knowledge of the Subject that formed and grew through the use of sketches in the experience of the Artist. I have always thought that the finest form of art was the representation of knowledge duly undressed by any personal identification. Leonardo, instead, proceeded to represent the figure through the essence of the artist, a representation technically unlimited on objects and symbols and that keep expressing the transformation and development of Leonardo’s own being.Some artists are testimony of the destruction of the world, of the loss of eternal beauty over decadence. And then you have Leonardo, who creates an art that is the gravity of the world’s system, of the nature, of thoughts and abstractions. I wonder if our killer does the same, if the way they presents the victim through their own personal view, if what we can read there it is their stories, their pains, their needs. Their happiness and troubles. What are they trying to tell me? I need to know, I need to know to save a life, of course, but I also need to know to be able to sleep at night. Hair, hair are the epitome of femininity in any era. I keep studying Ursula and her habit to pull the. I took notes on it: she picks them by the bottom, slowly separates them until she gains an amount her mind defines satisfactory and then she rolls her finger and pulls, she does it until her finger is empty and there are no hair left. I find her process incredibly interesting. In men’s case the display of physical attributes is not as vital, a beard can be appreciated but does not modify the power of seduction of a grown man. On the contrary, for women hair are a vital part of their attractiveness toward the opposite sex, society sees the hair of a woman as part of their vital characteristics, also in ancient times for a woman to cut her hair or have her hair cut was a sign of deep separation from the society. Only heroines or whores wore that mark and the association of the two is so rooted into the way society always parted the role of a woman in two that it is nauseating to think of. I am still fearing to let Ursula go away, the repulsion that she is showing toward her own body makes it difficult even for me to crack her shell open as a man, but my deepest worry is when that hate will take a scarier and deeper tool on her. How a girl with such a fear of what her body can do, like sex or pregnancy, can endure in the future to have an husband? Or even to be courted by anyone?

John is helpless and I admire him for that. He doesn’t hide it, he just is. He is vulnerable and exposed, he is an open well bursting with doubts and feelings and troubled waters. He is genuine in a way I could never be. Maybe that’s why I despise even more him talking about you, how he sees you every morning, how you greet everybody, how you behave even with interns, how you like your coffee. Your talents, your wits, how you said this and acted like that and reasoned through him. How you forbid him to drink even when he felt tempted. How you stayed late over to help him collect all the informations I requested him to get. To him. Not to you. The evil demon of envy scratching in the back of my head screaming like a siren out in the sea, he demands to be heard, he demands to be allowed a part in this game. I won’t allow him that. I won’t allow myself any of that. This is a pure game of chess, if I give in a pawn now, I will lose my knight, and I know it. I advice him to not be so closed minded when he praises you, only to get surprised by the charms of a natural logical mind. I find a way to hurt him, he is an easy target, I look at him as his eyebrows twitch and he summons his patience on me. He lost the plot about you already, his bruised pride taking over. You won’t come into my life.

“Un dì, felice, eterea, mi balenaste innante, e da quel dì tremante vissi d'ignoto amor.” (“On a day, happy and ethereal, you appeared in front of me and from that day, trembling, I lived on an unknown love”)

The words of Alfredo in the first act of the Traviata keep running through me, a chant that won’t let me go, almost painful. The Opera House, that was my hiding place, a place where in plain sight I could let out myself, unleash. The catharsis of the characters involved running through me, I didn’t need anything but their voices and those musical instruments to let out my fears, doubts and anger. When Alfredo came to the scene tonight, the lights were strong and slightly pinkish, the performer bursting out of the seams with passion. My eyes diverted only to see you there. Alone. Those blinding lights gave you the the radiance of a vision singing the notes of greek myths and heroes, that dark blue evening clothing rang through my eyes like it was a bright yellow, the little shiny details that adorned you so clear against the heavy lighting to look like transparent pieces of water collected to adorn your beauty. I wasn’t me, but Alfredo, and I was helpless against you sitting so far and yet too close from me. I was naked in front of thousands. I am aware of the effect you have on me and our last conversation was barely regarded as one. This is infatuation, this is the pure work of a lonely mind and not something worth of any of all the words that I am dissipating here. Yet. I saw you cry at the climax of the opera, Violetta, the protagonist, heartbroken falling on stage consumed by pain and regret for her lost love and ultimate sacrifice. Your eyes shone as you tried to hide the tears and collect yourself. Through my binoculars, I saw your throat tremble and gulp down something more than just a sigh of pain. Your jaw clenched, your gloved hand moves to hide your shaking lips. I reckon, I have never seen such sad lips look more inviting. You look at the wall on your side breathing through your nose and not even that can save you by the strength of the voice of the soprano. You’re defeated and so you brought a fine silk handkerchief to your eyes, your shoulders bent inward in self defence. The Opera won. It won you like it always wins me. I wonder if you felt like this because of a past lover, somebody that broke your heart and made you feel wrong in any way. And because of that little wonder it is even more clear to me why I am a man worth of no trust. Because for a moment, I know, I wished to be the one that broke your heart. That gave you just the pain you’re inflicting on me so mercilessly by offering intoxicating kindness and beauty. To own your thoughts, tears and shame. To be the one man you have to look away from. I want to own all of that and, maybe, I will be freed of you the day you’ll be just another human being that hates Dr Laszlo Kreizler.

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cicada-bones · 4 years

Text

The Warrior and the Embers

Chapter 35: Blessing

Sorry about the wait (...again lmao) But I hope you enjoy, and let me know what you think! (also - this is the last one before the meeting between Maeve and Aelin! We really are getting close to the ending!)

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For the first time, seemingly in weeks, Rowan awoke with a clear head.

Today, they would leave Mistward. In the week that had passed since his…cadre’s…departure, the fortress had gotten no word from the capital. No summons, no orders. This did not comfort him.

Maeve knew everything, she had to. But instead of choosing to strike, she was biding her time. She knew that he had to return to Doranelle eventually. It was not to her advantage to drag them home early, and against their will.

As Rowan walked about their rooms, gathering various belongings, he couldn’t help but wonder what had happened upon the cadre’s return to the city. Couldn’t help but imagine what they had been forced to endure on his behalf.

Aelin stirred in bed, giving Rowan the chance to shake away those thoughts. He took it gratefully.

The princess sat up, her golden hair rumpled. Cloudy eyes found his. “It’s time to leave. Isn’t it?”

Rowan only nodded.

Within half an hour, they were ready to depart, and found themselves standing at the kitchen door, saying their goodbyes to Emrys, Malakai, and Luca.

Somewhere to his right, Aelin was enduring a torrent of worry and affection from Emrys, all while the old male shoved more food than Rowan thought was in the entire fortress pantry into her rapidly-filling pack. Rowan was facing Malakai, who seemed to be struggling to figure out what exactly to say.

The prince decided to take pity on the male. “It has been an honor, Commander,” he said firmly, with a slight bow of his head.

Malakai’s body jerked, his scent speaking of surprise. “…the very same, Your Highness.” The old commander also bowed his head, respect lining his brow.

A small smile graced Rowan’s lips as he backed away, allowing Aelin to say her final goodbyes without any interference.

The princess was looking at the three males, her brow furrowed with anxiety but her scent warm with affection. “It might take a while,” she was saying, “but if – when, I reclaim my kingdom, the demi-Fae will always have a home there. And you two – and Malakai – will have a place in my household, should you wish it. As my friends.”

Emrys’ eyes were gleaming as he nodded, gripping Luca’s hand. Malakai let the ghost of a smile intrude on his resolute expression. Rowan had to hold in a grin at the sight – the gruff commander really had let this female worm into his heart, whether he had wanted it or not.

Luca was openly staring at Aelin, his eyes filled with wonder. Rowan was not sure whether he had ever truly understood who he had spent all those weeks toiling beside in the kitchens. But there was no doubt in his mind now – this was a future queen standing before them. And no longer could anyone easily forget it.

Pride at everything Aelin had accomplished coursed through him. Pride and fondness. He had known that he loved her, deep in his heart, for days – weeks, really. Ever since he saw her looking back at him through the Valg darkness, and she smiled at him, with that Queen’s smile.

Aelin reached out and ruffled Luca’s hair, a warm smile stretching her cheeks. She made to turn and join Rowan at the edges of the trees, but before she could Emrys spoke up.

“Your mother would be proud,” he said. Aelin put a hand on her heart and bowed her thanks. Rowan knew without even needing to taste her scent that words wouldn’t be capable of communicating the depth of her gratitude.

But the morning was beginning to wane, so he cleared his throat softly. And Aelin gave the three males one last parting smile before she followed him into the trees.

Their feet were light as they padded over the leaf-dusted earth, their speed increasing until they were once again streaks of gold and silver through the misty undergrowth. Only this time, their path headed up the mountains to the east, in the direction of the rising sun. To Maeve, at last.

···

The whipping was no more than he deserved.

Lorcan didn’t have to say it out loud to know that it was true, though he’d found himself repeating it over and over again in his head over the past two days. Days that he had spent tied to a post in the stocks, being whipped by Cairn.

There was no warning before Cairn entered the small, muddy yard. No time for Lorcan to prepare. All of a sudden, he would feel a breath at his back, would hear the slight pull of feet in mud, and then the iron would rent his back.

Cairn worked at him for what felt like hours at a time, his every stroke of the whip coated with gleeful mutterings and shouted taunts. Lorcan knew that the vile male took every possible pleasure in having such power over him, that every sound he made would be played over in Cairn’s mind for weeks or months to come.

So Lorcan kept as silent as he could, each stroke of the whip becoming a vow of revenge.

He knew that he deserved punishment. But this, this was something different. This was personal. And Lorcan would take his vengeance on Cairn even if it took him unto the end of his life.

Mostly, Lorcan slept. And let the pain and rage consume him.

Even so, Lorcan couldn’t find it within himself to really regret the decision. The betrayal. Rowan had not lied – if they hadn’t come, Mistward would have fallen. They had saved him, and that fire-breathing bitch. This was just the price they had to pay.

But Lorcan wasn’t sure he would ever forget the sound of that word on his queen’s lips. Betrayal.

He had betrayed her. The one thing he had sworn never to do, not in his extraordinarily long life. And he had done it. When it came down to it, he had chosen Whitethorn’s life over his devotion to his Queen. Had chosen Rowan over Maeve.

And the truth of that decision shook him.

Maeve had found him in that hovel, those centuries past, had rescued him and nurtured him. Had made him into who he was. And yet he had betrayed her. It would be a long time before he would be able to reconcile that with himself.

He was her Second, her top commander, her most trusted confidant. He was responsible. The one in charge. He was at least as guilty as Whitethorn. He didn’t blame Maeve for her punishment of him, even as he hated Cairn for it. Even though he had betrayed his Queen, he could never hate her.

Ever since he had first beheld her, and felt the curls of her dark power brush his dark soul, he had loved her. There hadn’t been anything he could do about it. It was like they were made for each other, both creatures of darkness. Both Fae who stood alone and apart. Who were both loved, and hated, by those less powerful than they.

But she did not feel the same.

Her every rejection of him cut him to the quick. Lorcan tried not to let her see how much her indifference hurt him, but he knew that she knew. And that she gloried in it, in his suffering. Gloried in the way that they both knew this doomed courtship would never end, that he would never stop loving her, and she would never stop taunting him with that love.

Lorcan knew that she bedded Fenrys partially to spite him. Knowing that choosing him over Lorcan would hurt more than some noble, or courtier. And the fact that it worked infuriated him. But there was nothing he could do about it.

Other than perhaps be grateful that Rowan was her relation, however distant, and therefore could not be the blade of her choice. For it was certain that Maeve choosing Rowan to take to bed would hurt more than even Fenrys.

Rowan was his, not hers.

Or at least he was his. Not anymore.

Lorcan had lost Rowan to the clutches of some foreign whore. A bitch-queen from across the sea. And he had no idea how to get him back.

So Lorcan took his whipping with a curse, and a smile. Cairn was the least of his problems. And soon, Lorcan would ensure that the despicable male got what was coming to him.

Cairn left him there, bleeding on the stones, until day passed into night and then day again. And Gavriel and Fenrys came for him.

A key clicked in a lock, shackles fell into the mud with a thump, and Lorcan sagged to the ground, his limbs sighing in relief even as they wept fresh blood into the earth, red beneath his bloody body.

“Get him up,” Gavriel said softly, and Lorcan felt hands reach around his arms and pull him to his feet. “I’m sorry Lorcan, she ordered us not to heal your wounds with our power.”

Lorcan just grunted, forcing his legs to take his weight. They shook, but held. Fenrys began to guide him back up the path to the area of the palace that held their suites.

Lorcan frowned, but accepted the male’s assistance with as much grace as he could muster. He didn’t really have another choice.

“Anything to report?” Lorcan’s voice strained through gritted teeth. One step after the other, he said to himself, one step after the other.

“Nothing of any significance.” Gavriel shrugged. “We received word yesterday from the sentries that guard the western pass that the wolves spotted Rowan and Aelin making their way through the mountains.”

“So they are on their way to Doranelle.” Lorcan grunted.

“Evidently.”

“And when are they expected – ” he gasped, sucking in a breath through his teeth, “ – to arrive?”

“Within two or three days,” Gavriel said, soberly.

Fenrys, however, seemed to have a very different reaction. His scent filled with anger, and his muscles filled with tension, coiled to spring. He shook his head. “When Rowan gets here, I hope he suffers for what he’s done. I hope she drags him over hot coals for this.”

Gavriel turned in alarm, “Fenrys, you don’t – ”

“I mean it, Gavriel. I can’t wait to tell him what happened because he sent us those damned letters. To tell him that she tied Lorcan up in the yard and let Cairn – ”

“You will do no such thing.” Lorcan forced as much authority as he could into his pained voice. Fenrys frowned at him, confused. “You will not speak of this, not to Rowan, not to anyone.”

“But Lorcan – ”

“No, Fenrys. What’s done is done. There’s no changing it now. And it’s no use harping on about it like some upset child.”

Lorcan could feel Gavriel looking at him inquisitively, but Lorcan kept his eyes ahead, until they reached the familiar halls of the residential part of the castle and he shook off their assistance and told them to go and get some rest.

But before he could escape to his rooms, Fenrys tried to speak up one last time. “Lorcan, Rowan should – ”

“No, Fenrys. And I will not hear any more of this from you. You will not speak to Whitethorn about what happened here, and I’m tired of saying so. And if I find out that you defied a direct order, there will be consequences.” Lorcan stared him down, looking the young male directly in the eyes, until Fenrys nodded and turned away.

Gavriel nodded as well, and the two males left the stone corridor.

Lorcan collapsed facedown into bed, but for long minutes, sleep eluded him. He knew that within a couple of hours, or perhaps a day, his own magic would heal the wounds to his body. But right now, they hurt enough to keep him from sleep.

Rowan would have enough to face when he reached Doranelle, he didn’t need Fenrys attacking him at first opportunity as well. And the knowledge of what Maeve had done because Rowan had called for their aid…he didn’t need that weighing on his soul.

Rowan hadn’t really had another choice. He needed to save the fortress, and the demi-Fae. Needed to save the female he loved.

Lorcan turned over in bed, the sheets rustling as he groaned in pain. If Lorcan knew nothing else, he knew how far one would go for the one they loved.

···

Rowan awoke with the rustling of leaves, and the flicker of a breeze over his cheeks. It whispered of birds chattering, a far-off stream, of the coming dawn, and of the countless dreams of slumbering Fae, hidden just from sight.

He rose slowly, his eyes automatically flicking over to his left side to check on the female who was still slumbering there. Aelin’s eyes flickered beneath her lids, her brow furrowed and her mouth open, letting the occasional bated breath escape. Telltale signs of nightmares haunting her sleep.

Rowan frowned and stood. There was nothing he could do, and she needed all the sleep she could get, even if that sleep was restless. Today, she would meet with the Queen of the Fae, and show her all that she had learnt.

They had camped that night at the top of a hill, at the bottom of which you could see the rivers that would lead them through the rest of the valley and right up to the stone walls of Doranelle. Rowan strode through their small camp, heading east to where the first glints of the rising sun could be gleaned over the ruffled edge of the horizon.

Below him, the river water churned, gray and violent and deep. Surely a promise of what was to come.

Today, he would see Maeve again. For the first time in months. For the first time since he had realized the true depth of what he had given up the day he swore her the blood oath. Rowan wondered how long it would take her before she knew that she had lost him forever. Wondered if she already knew. Surely Lorcan and Gavriel had told her what happened at the ward-gates? Surely she must have guessed?

Either way, all would be decided before nightfall. Relief and panic warred within him, fighting for dominance. Both held fast.

Rowan turned to glance back at the queen – his Queen – shifting on her bed of leaves, close to wakefulness. She was so beautiful. Everything he wanted, and everything he couldn’t have.

But something that he just had to save. Someone he had to save.

Desperation began to overflow within him, breaking through the final barriers of ice surrounding his heart. And then, as he turned back to face the now-rising sun, it happened.

At first, it was just a brush, like a trail of burning fingertips, across his brow and down his cheek. Then the feeling of a Presence. Greater and more terrible than he had ever thought to comprehend. Greater than any he could possibly imagine.

She was the sun and the stars and the hearth and the candleflame, the great and the small, the important and the insignificant. She was more than any would ever know, more than thousands of years of worship could appreciate.

She was Mala Firebringer.

And like a sunbeam though the morning dew, she appeared before Rowan Whitethorn, Prince of Doranelle, Lieutenant and second to Lorcan Salvaterre, and bloodsworn to Maeve, The Queen of All the Fae, a silent question ready on her lips.

What ails you so, Prince of Ice?

Rowan wanted to fall to his knees, to avert his eyes, to fall into some remembered prayer from childhood lessons. Yet he was frozen in place.

She was barely more than an outline, a shaft of light enclosed in the rising sun, but he felt her mighty power and strange gentleness as potently as if she were standing right next to him. And that mighty power felt…familiar. Like something he had already learned to love.

So Rowan breathed in her unknowable scent and offered up his desperate prayer.

Rowan Whitethorn begged the Goddess of Dawn to protect Aelin Galathynius. To keep her safe from Maeve when they entered Doranelle, to give her strength and guidance, and to let her walk out alive.

And yet Mala waited. Her question still unanswered. A hidden truth not yet acknowledged.

So Rowan unlocked that final door, and told Mala what truly weighed on his heart. Not for Aelin to survive, or to leave safely, having secured her armies and her peace. But for them to stay together. For Rowan to remain with Aelin, the woman he loved. Here or in any other world.

And as he admitted that, the deepest truth of his heart, Rowan felt the goddess smile at him, across time and space, through other worlds and bearing the prayers of thousands, as she disappeared into the brightening sun.

Aelin awoke, and moved to stand beside him. She cast him a questioning look, which he left unanswered. He didn’t know if he could explain what had just passed. But he knew that it had been something permanent, unchangeable.

They packed up camp and began to scale the hill, following the rushing river back to its source. To Doranelle they went, for their futures to be decided. To Doranelle, where a dark Queen lay in her spider’s web, waiting to pounce. To Doranelle, with the grace of a goddess bestowed upon them, their blades sharp, their steps light, and their eyes bright with star fire.

To Doranelle.

···

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sailorgreywolf-german · 4 years

Text

Midnight Duet

Characters: Prussia, Friedrich the Great

Ships: PruFritz

Summary: Prussia spends a night comforting his young crown prince about his musical passions.

Word Count: 3K

---------------------------------------------

Prussia lit a single candle, all he would need to find his way through the palace at night, and then dressed quietly. He didn't want to wake the servants who would undoubtedly tell his king about his comings and goings. This was one trip be wanted to make in complete secrecy.

He had been woken by the sound of a trapped bird playing out its song late in the night, when it was allowed to. He had decided that he was going to seek out the source of the music. He was not entirely sure why he felt so strongly, he simply did. His instincts did not usually fail him.

Prussia pulled on a vest over his shirt, decided that it was too late at night to bother with a cravat. He then pulled on a pair of boots on; the oldest pair that did not make the same loud clicks as the others. The air was still filled with the sweet notes that had awoken him. He stopped by the door for a moment to think, there was something else he wanted to bring with him.

He walked over to a cabinet he hadn't opened in quite a while and, with a slight hesitation, opened it. The instrument sat, untouched for more than a decade, shining in the mahogany confines. Prussia reached out and ran his hand along the wood. It seemed to respond to him, not in any physical way, but with a feeling. It sung to him about all the years he had denied himself this, his own art. Without another thought, he tucked the violin under his arm and took the bow in his hand not holding the candle. It had been so long since he had played that violin, the instrument that he had been taught by Austria when they had both been younger and on better terms.

He then turned and walked to the door, this time certain that he was not forgetting anything. He opened the door as quietly as he could, even so the hinges squeaked ever so slightly. It was not loud enough to wake his king, but Prussia felt himself clench his teeth in anxiety all the same. Slowly, he closed the door. It again gave a very slight squeak, enough to set all of his hair on end again. He hadn't noticed before how loud these doors could be. With one more glance at the door to make sure it was properly closed, he started walking again, this time down the hallways he knew so well.

His boot heels made muted clicks against the floor. He followed the sound that had originally called to him, the soft rise and fall of sweet notes carried on a strained melody. Music, but not the best, still the result of an unpracticed hand. It was not hard to guess what room the music was coming from. There was a private study tucked away just up a level, too small to be of much interest to most, especially the king. But, Prussia knew that it was where he would find the bird he was looking for.

He turned sharply at a staircase and took the stairs quickly. Now that he was far enough away from the King's chamber, Prussia's heart began to lighten and he allowed himself to be louder. He reached the next landing and turned again. It wasn't far now to the room he sought. Sure enough, there was light coming out from under a door at the end of the hall. It was on this that Prussia set his sights.

When he reached it, he put down his own candle and pushed open the door with one hand. Flute music spilled out as the door swung open, engulfing Prussia with its own charms. Certainly, it was not yet exceptional, but it was good and had integrity to it. Stepping into the room, Prussia caught sight of the young man he had been expecting. He smiled to himself; this late night strategy was new.

He spoke, "Isn't it late for this, Fritz?" The Crown prince jumped as though he had not expected anyone to interrupt his private concert. He said, hurriedly putting down the flute as he did so, "Gilbert, don't scare me like that!" He quickly unbristled like a cat that had been startled by someone it trusted, and said, "How did you know I was here?"

The albino took a couple careful steps closer, closing the door behind him. The room was small and currently populated with a surprising number of books, a clear sign that the Crown Prince had been using this room to hide his more effeminate hobbies from his father. There were a few candles lit that made a small well-lit space in the center of the room, right next to the window. The resultant reflection of the light off the glass was brighter than the candles would have been on their own. Prussia made sure he was close before saying, "I could hear you playing and I followed the sound. It wasn't hard to figure out where you were hiding."

As he spoke, he sat down on a chair that had apparently been pushed to the side, but which now faced the Crown Prince almost directly. Friedrich still looked defensive at the invasion of his privacy, but his indignation would have been far worse with anyone else. He said shortly, "If you could hear me playing, did it wake the King as well?"

There was obvious bitterness in the way he spoke about his father. He refused to even acknowledge that they were related, a step he had never taken before. Prussia was struck by how far the relationship between father and son had degenerated. They had never gotten along, but this was different. He responded as cautiously as possible, "Your father-" He placed special emphasis on the word as a reminder about the relation "is a much deeper sleeper than I am. The music is quiet enough to not wake him."

A look of relief passed over the other's face and the tension he was holding in his shoulders was released. But, he still wasn't completely at ease. He spoke, again putting Prussia on the defensive, "So, why have you come here? Do you want to chide me?" His tone indicated that he was not as upset as the question would indicate. He sounded almost bemused. Prussia took the violin out from under his arm and plucked one of the strings experimentally. It was terribly out of tune, but that was to be expected considering how long it had gone unplayed.

He didn't speak until he was certain that Friedrich was watching him with rapt attention, apparently stunned at the appearance of another instrument. Only once he was certain the blue eyes were fixed on him, did Prussia say, "I thought you might like some company. A duet is so much more satisfying than playing alone." He plucked another string and noticed that it was also completely out of tune. Ignoring the almost giddy smile that was appearing on Friedrich's face, he said, keeping his tone as casual as possible, "Would you mind playing a center C? This thing hasn't been tuned in far too long."

He turned one of the tuning pegs and listened intently to the changes in sound, knowing that this would be of no use without something to compare it to. The other seemed far too surprised to actually respond to the request for a reference note. Finally, he said, "Gilbert!" With so much excitement in his voice, the French lilt that he put on Prussia's name was very apparent. It was charming, but it did irk Prussia that his future king spoke French more fluently than German.

He responded, feigning ignorance, "What, Fritz?" The mortal leaned forward, one hand still holding on to his flute. His voice was almost unsteady with excitement when he said, "You play an instrument. You actually play an instrument." Prussia responded with the most nonchalant tone he could muster, "Actually I play the violin." He attempted to smile in a way that he judged to be charming, but the other's enthusiasm was infectious. What had been intended to be a small smile was from ear-to-ear before he could stop himself.

Thankfully, Friedrich broke the silence, "What a pleasant surprise, I never would have expected it." The words concealed, albeit poorly, a fascinating mix of emotions. The excitement was obvious, but there was also something that could only be described as a new sense of belonging. Prussia replied, managing to keep his voice even again, "I'm not just your father's solider."

He paused for only a moment before changing the subject, "You're never going to hear what I can do with this if you don't help me tune." Struck by the change back to a serious tone, the Crown Prince remembered his dignity and said, "Of course." He put his flute, which had almost been forgotten in the course of the conversation, to his lips. It took him only a moment to adjust his fingers and play the correct note.

Prussia carefully corrected his string until he found the right note. From there it was easy to adjust all the other springs while Friedrich watched him with an expression of fascination. Once he had finished tuning, Prussia put the violin to his shoulder and pulled the bow across the strings. The sound was sweet, even if it was only one note. It had been so long since Prussia had played, he had forgotten how it felt. It was sublimely exciting to feel the smooth wood under his chin, the strings humming as he pressed his fingers against them. It was a buzz that he could feel all the way through his chest, resonating somewhere deeper.

He glanced up to see his prince had stopped playing and was simply looking at him with a small smile. Prussia would have made a comment, but that was rather hard to talk with his chin keeping his violin in place. Without any pretense or communication, he decided to start a song. He didn't have any sheet music, but it wasn't necessary; he remembered the basics well enough and he could string them together to make something that resembled a song. This was not a concert or even a public performance. Between the two of them, within the confines of this room, there would be no harm in improvising.

Prussia began by ascending the scale, and then let the notes flow freely from there. His fingers remembered the placement of notes perfectly, like the muscles had retained this skill in anticipation of when it would be needed again. He heard the sound of the flute join in, rising above the violin. Friedrich had apparently taken the cue to follow him.

The flute seemed to chase him, following the same notes but with the light, effervescent quality impossible to achieve on a violin. They flitted around each other, in and out of sharps and flats, one faithfully following the other. They reached peaks and descended, changing dynamics in time with each other. Then the two sounds met, merging into each other, the bird and the horse. The delicate flutters of the flute accompanied the driving steadiness of the violin. The vibratto of the violin mixed with the sound of the flute's high clear notes.

Prussia opened his eyes just slightly and looked at his prince, who was watching him as he played. Their eyes met and Prussia couldn't help but smile. He rarely ever saw Friedrich this happy, this free. In this moment, there didn't need to be anything beyond these four walls. This was enough, their own world, bathed in candlelight and filled with the sound of an impromptu composition.

The music reached a peak and then began to fall as Prussia's concentration shifted from what he was playing to watching the way that Friedrich's hands moved over the flute. The prince caught his gaze and followed his lead in allowing the music to fade. When the final note died leaving the air still alive with feeling.

Prussia spoke first, attempting to keep his usual arrogance, "See, I told you it was better." But, his voice came out remarkably soft. Prussia hadn't been aware he was capable of that tone. There was an excited sparkle in Friedrich's blue eyes, made all the more apparent by the low light in the room. He responded, "You are amazing. When did you learn how to play like that?"

Prussia smiled, enjoying the compliment; "It must have been at least a century now. It was before your father was born." He added, "Roderich never did like playing alone." He spoke the name with no thought about it. There was animosity between them right now, but that didn't change that the past had been good.

However, Friedrich picked up on the name and said, "Who?" Prussia errantly wondered if he heard a slight undertone of jealousy at the thought that he had played a duet with someone else. He brushed the thought away, he knew that Friedrich's preferences were not usual but he doubted that it extended to him. There were rumors he even had a lover, some courtier. Prussia always tried not to feel anything when he heard those rumors repeated; it was not his place to feel like he had a claim to the young prince. But in this moment seeing himself reflected in the pure blue of the other's eyes, he found himself wondering if he even had a choice in the matter.

He responded to the question, "I forget that you don't know the human names of countries. I mean Österreich." This got an immediate response. A shadow passed over Friedrich's face, and this time it was clear that there was jealousy in his voice, "Oh I see. I should have guessed." He looked away from Prussia as though he had come to a bitter realization. The albino should have known better than to mention it, he knew that the young prince greatly objected to any Austrian influence.

Prussia tried to say something comforting and only managed, "It's been a long time since he and I were even cordial with each other. He used to berate me about my technique when we played together." He remembered it well, the way that playing anything with Austria would result in a constant stream of corrections from the Austrian.

This statement, far from calming the other down, made him visibly bristle. Friedrich said, now defending Prussia from century-old criticism, "How dare he? Your playing is beautiful." Before the albino could say anything, Friedrich continued. This outburst had apparently dislodged a whole torrent of feelings. He said, his anger strangling his voice, "He doesn't deserve you. My bastard father doesn't deserve you either. I hate watching him order you around."

His fury was unleashed and Prussia had to do what he could to comfort it. He said the first thing that came to mind, "Don't worry about me, I have been through worse. Besides he isn't going to be king forever, and you will be king after that." It didn't seem to help at all. The Crown Prince continued with the same tone, "You know he would demand you stop if he knew you played." Prussia nodded immediately; he knew it was the truth because his king thought music was far too feminine. But, he was a kingdom and that limited his ability to disagree with his king. He knew Friedrich was only using this as an example of how oppressive his father was, and the whole meaning came through.

He said, attempting a suitable response, "Fritz, I don't get a choice. For now he is my king." The mortal still looked surly, but he seemed to accept this answer. He changed the subject again, this time saying, "Gilbert, you used to let me lean against you when I was a child."

His blue eyes were shining as he looked at Prussia. The albino felt himself starting to melt, perfectly aware that if the prince said anything he wasn't going to be able to say no. Friedrich did exactly what Prussia was expecting and said, "Would you mind if I did it again?" Prussia immediately said, without thinking about how this would affect his strange evolving feelings for the prince, "Not at all."

He put his violin to the side and extended his arms to Friedrich, who almost immediately curled up against him. His head was nestled firmly against Prussia's shoulder. The albino wrapped his arms firmly around the other. He enjoyed having a warm body pressed against him, but it was more than that. He didn't want this to end; he wanted to have this for the rest of his existence. Without a second thought, he entwined his hand in the young man's hair. He wasn't certain what signals he was sending, but this felt natural.

Friedrich spoke, his voice finally softening again, "It was a beautiful duet." Prussia continued stroking the prince's hair and said, "We can do it again another night." He felt rather than saw the nod against his chest. Whatever effects the music had on both of them, the contact was keeping it from fading. There were a couple moments of silence that felt like they stretched on for an eternity. Prussia looked down at Friedrich, who looked so serene leaning against him. He was so young, so beautiful. But he wouldn't remain that way forever. Whatever Prussia was feeling, the rational part of his mind told him that this man would age and he would not. It would not be right to actually fall in love with a mortal man whose life would only be a fraction of his own. But, when Friedrich said, "We make a great duo." Prussia tightened his hold on the prince slightly and responded, "Yes we do."

#hws prussia #historical hetalia #prufritz

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doesitsparkjoytho · 3 years

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"The Happy Harpy Post" - Medieval Craigslist

(**For anyone not in the U.S., Craigslist is Facebook Marketplace's janky, super sketch predecessor, basically an online site to list items for sale, jobs, "Missed Encounters," etc.**)

[For Sale / Trade]

Realm's most powerful -- and evil -- sword

Just in time for that long-awaited conquering!

The realm's most notoriously blood-thirsty sword has reappeared from the dark abyss yet again. The last band of heroes battled death to cast it into oblivion some centuries ago, but like a merciless rash, it will not stay banished.

Features:

Authentic blood stains and nicks

Possessed by an extremely evil and demeaning spirit, rumored to be that of Lord Archbane himself

Crafted from the finest dragon's bone and titanium, ensuring years of slicing, thrusting, hacking, mutilation and general intimidation

This weapon is not for the faint of heart. If the latter is not black as pitch, I assure you that the blade will drive you mad in its attempt to corrupt your soul. I stumbled upon the sword but three weeks past, but already the power of this dark artifact threatens to consume my being. However, one with the strength of spirit to master it stands to gain an instrument of unimaginable potential.

Willing to trade for guaranteed safety during new owner's reign of terror, a residence in owner's general vicinity, and a small (negotiable) re-homing fee for myself / the sword. ***And please note: the sword has attached itself to me in ways that I dare not speak of. If you try to kill me and take the sword in place of a transaction, it will be lost for many more centuries. It has assured me of this.

If interested, please find or send for innkeeper Finbar Ruild of Heshire, Eastern Province.

Free Pulsating Crystal Thing

Are you a dark being of some authority seeking an artifact of unknown power and antiquity to enhance your castle/cave/fortress/tower/dungeon's mystical atmosphere? Are you perhaps also wishing for a handful of random occurrences to shake things up, or to rid yourself of a few pesky, traitorous, or bumbling minions too curious for their own well-being? Then look no further! This strange, eerily glowing crystal pulsates as if containing life and is sure to amuse and amaze guests. In addition, this nifty crystal can easily lull one to sleep with its deep, otherworldly and ominous croonings. I guarantee you won't stumble upon another artifact of such myriad uses and features. I'm only parting with it because the lady of the keep has suggested that I have one too many "unique" trinkets.

Serious inquiries only (No minions, peasants, slaves or other lowly beings, as I dread the repercussions of this falling into the wrong hands). Please contact Lord Vasuvian at the black tower. You can send a messenger by horseback, pigeon, falcon, hawk, bat, dragon, etc. I promise its safe return.

[Services]

Haircuts for Heroes

Are you a hero? Do you want to be? Nothing says "hero" like a unique hairstyle. I offer dying, cutting, braiding, and lime-washing. Be the first to try out my new Dark and Dangerous dye, made from a fermented leech and vinegar mixture which is entirely unique and promises the darkest, longest lasting black available.

Stop announcing your triumphs and displaying your spoils to earn the trust of the town and start standing out!

My shop, Haircuts for Heroes, is located in North Ghestfel.

Live-in Mage for hire

Have you ever wanted life to be a little easier than it is? Do you ever find yourself wishing that your floor would clean itself, that your fire would stay lit through the night, or that those pesky birds would cease pecking the thatch from your roof to build their nests?

Now you can make your wishes come true! Mage with 20+ years of experience in the Way is willing to lend his talents in exchange for room and board. His only request is that you don't treat him as a servant and allow him time for his own studies between your requests.

If interested, please send word to Octulus Drolp so that we may arrange a meeting and home viewing.

[Missed Encounters]

At the smithy - M4W

You, dearest woman, had four children in tow and were berating each of them as they touched everything in the shop. I smiled at you, but you were too busy to take full notice of me. Your voice was the sweetest music to my ears. I doubt a lovely lady such as yourself with four energetic children would be without husband, but if that is indeed the case, I beseech you to come and find me!

Make inquiry for Will at the stables.

O4H

To the ruggedly handsome human who passed through the southern Fivhren woods yesterday morn:

As I emerged from my cave, sleep still crusting my eyes like fairy dust, I was struck by a most unusual but welcome sight. Upon the knoll beyond my cave, a dark-haired man (you) knelt by his steed. My orcish heart pattered- and I am not easily moved, particularly by those of diminutive form. A dark green cloak enfolded your manly form, and you seemed intent on starting a fire, perhaps to make your breakfast.

Not wishing to startle you, I went about my morning as routine demanded, beginning with my rejuvenating spritz in the creek just beyond my cave. I began to hum to catch your attention. When you spotted me, I tried to act alluring, splashing my heaving green bosom with water from the nearby creek and rubbing my face sensually. In reality, I was merely taking my morning bath and desperately attempting to remove the morning crust from round my black orbs- but I figured 'hey, why not kill two birds with one stone?'

I locked my gaze unto yours, and your visage was overcome with- dare I hope- alarmed intrigue? You quickly gathered a few of what I assumed were your belongings, leapt onto your steed and rode away. Without me.

I am sorry if my forthcomingness frightened you away. I am willing to take things slowly, if you are lacking a mate and or have any interest in lady orcs. I enjoy, I imagine, many things you humans do: fishing; rolling in the mud and baking in the sun afterward (it's good for one's skin); eating and cooking (I prepare an astounding seared pig, and my frog-eye soup is unmatched); clubbing and stoning small, pesky animals; and, last but not least, dancing.

If you ever pass my way again, don't hesitate to peek your beautiful head into my cave and holler. But you'd better holler fairly loudly, as I'm a heavy sleeper.

Sincerely yours,

Ghrus'yula

[Community Notices]

Your Daughter Is No Treasure

Dear Lady Fitz,

Please cease advertising your daughter as the most enchanting creature in the land. I had the misfortune of crossing her path in the market this Saturday past, and she was neither lovely, endearing, soft of voice, or willow-thin. In fact, I have seen female trolls more alluring. If you were to place her in a tower for one to rescue, those stupid enough to brave the perils set before them on faith of your word alone would, upon seeing her, leap to their deaths or fall on their own swords before they carried her out of there with them. I am not trying to be rude, I am merely pointing out the truth which I think you should know. If you really wish to marry your daughter off, be honest. It also might not hurt to throw in some gold.

Sincerely,

A man saving fellow men from unhappy futures

To my neighbor to the east and south, the marauding tyrant

Dear kindred conqueror:

Being a power and land hungry tyrant myself, I acknowledge that certain consequences can be expected from claiming new provinces. For example, I realize that valuable farmland will likely be laid to waste in the process, forest burned and the animals inhabiting it slain, and villagers and townspeople dispatched from their homes.

However, it is the latter which concerns me. Far be it from me to advise you on proper warmongering, but your actions have brought the consequences of war to my borders. In the towns and villages dotting our shared borders, beings fleeing your terror-inducing campaign are piling in by the hour. However, that's not the main issue here. No, what concerns me is that these humans, orcs, elves, etc. are crossing my borders and falling dead in my towns, creating an awful sight and stench which, in the end, I am left to deal with. Not only that, but my denizens are becoming worried that I might gather my army again and attempt to take the few provinces I have allowed them to keep. I have worked hard at gaining their newfound trust in the last few years following the end of my campaign, and your actions are threatening the fragile halcyon of my new kingdom.

If you would kindly see to it that more of your soon-to-be subjects did not escape your borders, or at least died within them, I would be most grateful. If you do not comply, a few thousand of my most sickly denizens may somehow find their way into your lands just when you think you've established yourself in your new domains.

Yours to the west and north,

Lord Belus III

--------------------------------

So I used to write. A LOT. Before fanfic, I was an aspiring fantasy novelist, and I wrote pretty much all the time. I'm trying to get back into it, so I've been looking at my old pieces and taking stock of what I like/don't like. This is one of my all time favorite pieces so I thought I'd share!

#fantasy #writing #creative writing #shorts #medieval #fantasy humor #funny #craigslist #drabble

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spectralstars · 4 years

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FAQ/Stuff to Know

This post will contain answers to questions I get often or expect to get often, and define some of the terms I use. It will be updated over time.

Disclaimer: The information I post to this blog is UPG, based on my own experiences. If I state something as fact on this blog regarding magic, that is because I treat it as fact within my practice, but I do not claim it as objective truth.

Magic

What is magic?

1) The art of utilizing all components of the Soul/being to effect change. 2) A sense of simultaneous power and wonder.

What kinds of magic do you do?

I do a lot of energy work: feeling and affecting my own energy, and reaching out to the energy of other people/places/things to do the same. When a need arises, or when I’m just feeling that magical itch, I create a working for that situation, or draw on a working I’ve created before. These workings can involves making and enchanting talismans, sigils, or chants; music or dance magic; full-blown rituals; just more focused energy work; etc. Divination, meditation, and shadow work are all also important facets of my practice.

How long have you been practicing?

My practice first started to resemble what it is today about 2 or 3 years ago.

Do you do witchcraft/chaos magic/[insert established term here]?

No. I take inspiration and information from many established open paths, but my practice is my own.

Energy Work

What is energy? What are energetic signatures?

Energy is a non-physical, qualityless substance. Just as physical reality is made up of physical matter (I’m ignoring dark matter here because that’s outside of my wheelhouse), parallel to it at all points exists an energetic reality. Unless I specify with terms like “physical/kinetic/potential energy,” assume that I’m speaking about non-physical energy and not energy in the physics sense. These two usages of the word “energy” are not interchangeable.

(Granted, the physical/non-physical distinction can be a bit reductive. Physical, mental, emotional, energetic, whatever other distinctions you make, etc, these things can absolutely effect each other, and debatably aren’t all that separate to begin with. That’s an integral part of the whole mechanism for magic.)

Energetic signatures are the sums of the different qualities that a given quantity of energy can have. Essentially, the vibe. This can include color, sound, emotion, texture, force, temperature, smell and taste, movement, etc. The details of a signature can vary from person to person in a “my red is your green” way—or more accurately “this feeling makes me think red, and makes you think green.”

Energetic signatures don’t behave physically the way energy often does, because they’re purely information. If I take energy from something, it now lacks that energy, but if I take its energetic signature, nothing has changed in that original something.

And yes, confusingly enough, energy can have an “energetic” or “sluggish” signature. There’s a difference between having lots of energy (again, in the magical sense) and having “high energy” (which would mean having lots of energy in the mundane sense).

What is the Fundamental?

The Fundamental is a layer of reality comprised of energy. In the Fundamental, physical distance is more fluid and all things are connected in some capacity. By moving one’s center of awareness, one can perceive and interact with the Fundamental.

What is embodiment/emulation?

Embodiment is one of my go-to energetic practices, one that I utilize and will probably mention often enough to warrant its own entry here. Embodiment means adapting an energetic signature other than my baseline, in such a way that it changes not only my energetic state, but my emotional, mental, and physical posture as a result. In some ways, it’s an “internalized glamour”; I’m affecting how others perceive by not only by energetic means, but by acting differently myself. I use this for everything from performing in front of audiences to calling in certain forces and archetypes to quick pick-me-ups throughout the day.

How do you read energy?

Honestly, it’s as simple as asking what the energy is like and taking what comes to you. Once you’re used to the process, you don’t have to ask anything consciously, you just kinda focus and observe. Getting information is the easy part; the harder part is getting accurate information and interpreting it well. That takes some familiarity with energy and your own intuition, and lots of practice.

Workings

What is a working?

I call spells workings out of a personal preference. If it’s magic and I set aside time for it, it’s a working.

How do you create a working?

I either start with the issue I’m doing the working for, and start thinking of ways I could achieve that symbolically, or I start with that itch to do a certain kind of magic, and start thinking of places in my life where I could apply it. Either way, the process involves a lot of looking around my place for things I could use (if I want to use objects in the first place), thinking about how to tie all those things and ideas together, and just following my head/heart/gut.

What is resonance?

Resonance is what makes a working work. It’s the quality of a successful magical endeavor, one that has a genuine impact. In my observations, it has three components: accordance, effort, and state. Accordance means you’re acting in line with your intention via correspondence, symbolism, and/or magical sympathy. Effort means what it sounds like, that you’re putting some genuine effort into your working. State means you’re mentally focused, energetically in tune, and overall just really feeling the magic, the power and the wonder, as you do the working. The most important part to each of these components is that you do them sincerely; there are no cop-outs or workarounds to what your gut says you gotta do.

Thoughts on curses?

I’m not anti-curse, but I’m grateful to have never felt a need to curse someone in my own life. The closest I’ll ordinarily get to cursing someone is “cursing” then with a positive quality that would completely derail their current plans and help them become better. But I acknowledge that that may not always be the right solution.

Divination

What kinds of divination do you use?

I mainly use different forms of cartomancy: tarot, Normal Tarot (not the same lol), Lenormand, playing cards, and a system of my own creation. I also use several non-Nordic “rune”/symbol sets, two of which I created and two of which I adapted from the work of Silvia Hartmann (whom, let it be known, I do have issues with). I plan to create a tool for using the Glide Oracle beyond just the mobile app. I do sometimes use tarot and Lenormand shufflemancy playlists, and I’ve started working with a system I made for a d100 spinner ring, but I prefer more hands-on systems over purely random ones, for reasons I go into below.

How does divination work/how do you do divination?

Divinatory instruments are an aid for the intuition, a jumping-off point and a guide for facilitating understanding when the mind needs something to go off of. The fact that I use magical means to make sure those jumping-off points are as accurate as possible doesn’t change the fact that that’s what they’re doing.

When I do a reading, the first thing I do is get in tune. With any entity I might want to communicate with, with whoever I’m doing the reading for, with my divination tool, with the matter at hand, etc. Mentally and energetically, I focus on and connect to each of these things. I then trust that my intuition can take all that information, and let me know when to stop shuffling/when to pull a rune so that I get the most helpful answer.

(Being able to move through the Fundamental and find different energies comes in handy in distance readings for that reason, by the way.)

Do you use divination to tell the future?

When I’m getting in tune with everything, it’s necessarily with how things are at the present. To the extent that the present determines the future, I can do readings for the future. But I always keep in mind that the trajectory for the future can change, and I absolutely believe in free will.

Spiritual Pragmatism and UPG

What is spiritual pragmatism?

So this is where that disclaimer comes in. I’m a spiritual pragmatist, which means when it comes to things that aren’t objectively provable, I base my beliefs on what’s most useful to me. That applies to my beliefs surrounding divinity, energy, etc. but also just general philosophical stances, like my belief in free will. This is not to imply that I don’t genuinely believe these things, because I do, only that I don’t care to try and prove the concrete “truthfulness” of them beyond that they make sense to me and have helped me in some way. It’s somewhat similar to chaos magick’s stance on belief, except 1) I’m not looking to change my beliefs at the drop of a hat or anything, and 2) usefulness isn’t limited to what makes the magic work. It could mean what makes me a more fulfilled or happier person, what helps me to feel like I belong and matter in the world, etc.

What about magic?

So magic is a grey area, since it’s so often based in these more unprovable things, but it’s also something I can, and generally try to, test. Still, I’ve gotten results in magic using my own understanding and systems, and other people have gotten results in magic with their own understandings and systems. So I acknowledge my magical framework for what it is: UPG, unverified personal gnosis. Things I know to be true in my own experience, but can’t necessarily vouch for outside of that.

By all means, try out what I have to say and see if it works for you. Gain experience with magic and then trust that experience, above what anyone else says about how magic is supposed to work.

Grab Bag

What’s your name?

Arri. For all intents and purposes.

Pronouns?

She/they.

Sun/Moon/Rising?

Taurus/Pisces/Aquarius.

MBTI? Enneagram?

I know I’m a 4w3 (either 479 or 471), and the tests online always say I’m an INFP, but I know enough about cognitive functions to know that those tests aren’t accurate to how MBTI works, and not enough to know what my actual type is.

Edit: This answer has changed; I now know myself to be a 1w9 (tritype 147, subtype probably sp/so).

What does “spectralstars” mean?

It’s a reference to my understanding of energetic signatures, which is similar to audio spectral analysis, where you don’t measure the frequency and amplitude as a single sound wave, you measure the amplitudes of the many sine waves of different frequencies that make up the sound. That warrants its own post. The stars bit is a reference to a Discord I’m in and also I just really like stars.

#faq #witchblr #witch #witchcraft #magic #practitioner

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fantasyoverreality98 · 4 years

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Fight the Darkness Pt. 11

Masterlist

Pairing: Gaius x MC

Summary: Sometimes, home is not a place, but a person.

Author’s Note: This chapter is almost purely fluff. Surprisingly, I managed to write something with next to no angst. And it has left me unable to express the (happy) things I’m feeling right now. I think I should attempt to write more fluff. Anyway, hope you enjoy it! And, as per usual, apologies in advance for any typos or grammatical errors!

Word Count: 2,972

---

“Think we could get away with making a run for it?” Amy mumbled to Gaius, reaching for his hand.

He sighed, giving her a reassuring squeeze. “Unfortunately, no.”

They walked the rest of the way without a word. When they were within speaking distance, Adrian was the first to break the silence.

“Finding you was far too easy.” He looked worried, but Amy could also see the anger there too.

Everyone was looking at Amy and Gaius’ joined hands. Kamilah raised an eyebrow, staring a moment longer before she looked Amy in the eyes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was going, but I just had to get away.” She would apologize for that, but not for leaving. It had been the right choice.

“Okay, can someone explain what’s going on? You and him?” Lily seemed the least tense. If anything, it looked like the realization that Amy and Gaius were together slightly amused her. “Damn, Ames.” She smiled when their eyes met.

Kamilah cleared her throat, disapproval written on her face. “Amy, come with us. We’re here to take you home.”

Amy shook her head, refusing to move from her spot. “I’m not going back to New York.”

“Amy, please.” Adrian looked like he hadn’t stopped worrying since she’d run away over two weeks ago. “Do you have any idea how worried we’ve been? For all we knew, you were dead! Our messages weren’t going through.”

She remembered crushing her phone in the hotel lobby the day before. Where she planned on going, a phone wouldn’t be necessary anymore. “I just had to get away. Communicating with you guys would’ve made it harder.”

“You’ve been losing control over your powers,” Kamilah said, daring to take a step closer. “We heard about the airport in Ireland. And the club here.”

A gory mess flashed in her head. Screams rang in her ears, and Amy had to shut her eyes for a moment, willing the horrors to leave her mind. All the death and destruction she’d caused would haunt her for a long time, but she knew that she could fight through it with Gaius by her side.

“She managed to defeat the darkness inside of her. It was quite impressive.” Gaius looked down at her and smiled. Her heart skipped a beat at the gesture.

Both Adrian and Kamilah tensed when he spoke, as though they had purposefully been ignoring his presence.

“She’s coming with us,” Adrian said, finally looking at Gaius. “This little adventure ends here.”

“I believe the one who should get the choice is Amy herself. If she wants to leave with you, I will not try to stop her.”

Amy looked back and forth between her friends and the man she had fallen in love with. It was cruel to ask her to choose. She loved all of them. Imagining life without any of them was unbearable.

“I—” She closed her mouth again, trying to swallow the lump in her throat. Finally, she managed to speak. “I’m not going back. This is where I belong.”

Kamilah rolled her eyes. “Really, Amy? Don’t fall for his games. Gaius is dangerous. He’s irredeemable. How many times do we have to remind you that he killed you?”

“And what about the things you’ve done?” The words burst from her lips before she took the time to consider the consequences. “Why is it that the things you guys have done are redeemable, but his actions aren’t? Why am I redeemable in your eyes? I killed hundreds of people in a little over a day. I’m not better.”

The five of them stood in silence for several breaths. She could see that Adrian and Kamilah were communicating without words, their eyes locked. Amy held Gaius’ hand tighter, unwilling to let go.

“Fine.” Kamilah finally said, her shoulders tense as she finally looked back at Amy. “Suit yourself. If you choose to be a fool, we cannot stop you.”

Without another word, her friends turned and started to walk away.

It surprised Amy that they were so willing to let her go, after spending so much time searching for her. She looked over at Gaius, a silent question reflected in her eyes.

“As I said before, it is your decision.” His smile was sad, but resigned.

She pulled him in for a quick kiss, breathing heavily as her lips brushed against his when she spoke. “I can’t leave things this way, but I’ll be back. Don’t leave without me.”

He held her in his arms, his hands resting on her waist. “Never.”

Amy left his embrace and ran after her friends.

Lily was the first to turn, opening her arms without hesitation. With a harsh laugh, Amy ran into them, nearly tackling her to the ground in a hug.

“The two of you?” her best friend mumbled, “I have to know the details.”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest. Lily wasn’t mad. Somehow, in some bizarre twist of fate, she seemed to understand.

“I still say this is a terrible idea,” Kamilah said, arms crossed over her chest as she watched Amy and Lily continue to hug. “Trust me, Amy. I know him. He may have done some good deeds, but he is still corrupted.”

“Sometimes, you just have to follow your heart.” God, did she ever sound cheesy. Still, Amy felt the truth in her words. She needed this. Wherever Gaius went, she would follow. “I need you to trust me.”

Adrian’s scowl softened, and years of things left unsaid passed through the four of them. Amy liked to imagine that Jax was here, too. In his own way.

When Adrian stepped forward, Amy released Lily and stood facing him, a part of her worried about what would come next. Instead, he sighed, holding his arms open for her.

“Why?” he mumbled when she stepped forward for a hug. “You could have told me things were getting bad. You didn’t have to run away.”

“He understands me.” She felt Adrian’s body tense, but continued. “There was only one person who I could think of that might understand how hard it was to fight the darkness. To spend so much time not you.”

She wished she could have Gaius by her side, but it seemed a bit much to have him here. This was something she had to do alone.

After she’d let go of Adrian and fallen into Kamilah’s arms, Amy allowed herself to cry. She told them everything that had happened, trying her best not to feel bothered at the way they flinched when she brought up the vampire club massacre.

“And you have no recollection of what happened in that club? You only remember after you’d already killed them?” Adrian looked like he still wanted her to come home with them, but he hadn’t tried to convince her again.

Amy shook her head, trying to force memories to resurface that simply weren’t there. “I’d been blacking out for a long time before that, too. It started back in New York.”

Kamilah exchanged a look with Adrian, who sighed and nodded. Her shoulders fell and she looked back at Amy. “Are you certain that Rheya’s powers are gone for good this time?”

“I’m sure. The darkness is gone.” Amy couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this free.

Her friends looked at her with concern. Whether it was for her struggle with the powers, or her decision to confide in Gaius, she could not tell.

But she no longer cared. All that mattered was the path to redemption. And that was something she simply couldn’t do in New York.

“Why him?” Adrian asked, watching her curiously.

Amy sighed, turning around to look behind her. Somewhere in the shadows, Gaius was watching them. She could feel his presence. “Have you ever just had a feeling? Like something was right, even if everyone else screamed at you that it was wrong?” Her words probably made no sense, but she’d long given up trying to make sense of certain things.

“The heart wants what it wants. Even if that’s an ancient vampire who has tried to destroy the world several times.” Lily grinned when Amy looked at her, shrugging. “What? It’s true.”

Kamilah’s lips twitched, and she cleared her throat again, standing up straight. “Is there any way we can convince you to come home with us? You belong in New York. We can protect you.”

Closing her eyes, Amy took a deep breath before letting out a sigh. She was really going to miss them. “I think I could do with a little redemption myself. There’s a lot of good deeds I have to do to make up for what I’ve done.”

“You weren’t yourself. The power and your grief over Jax made you that way. It’s not your fault,” Adrian whispered. He took a step forward and took her hand in his. “Please, Amy. Come home.”

Saying goodbye was even harder than she’d thought it would be. She had expected it to be difficult, but the heaviness she felt in her heart was so much worse than she could have imagined. “I am home.” Amy opened her eyes, and gave her friends a reassuring smile.

Perhaps they would never understand her decision. That was okay. Right here, right now, she needed to do something for herself. And that was to choose a path of redemption.

It was time to heal the hurt she’d been feeling the past twenty-five years.

“If anything happens to you, I will personally track him down and kill him myself.” Kamilah looked the most uncertain, but she tried her best to hide the anger and hurt.

“I’m sorry,” Amy said, and she meant it. “I’ll understand if you can never forgive me for this.”

All the pain Kamilah had endured during her relationship with Gaius was not something Amy forgot. But that person was not the one she had grown to care for. He had changed, whether anyone else chose to believe it or not.

Sighing, Kamilah stepped forward. Her eyes met Amy’s, and her face fell. “You are not the one who needs my forgiveness. Just know that we will always be there if you need us. You’ll always have a place in New York.”

“You better get a new phone and keep in touch,” Lily said, looking like she might cry. “I’m not going a thousand years without hearing from you.”

Amy laughed, and the tears that she’d been trying to fight overpowered her. She threw her arms around Kamilah, whose eyes widened in surprise. Laughing, Adrian and Lily joined in. The four of them stood in silence for a long time.

I really wish you were here right now.

This group hug felt incomplete without Jax. Sadness filled Amy’s heart again momentarily. She squeezed her eyes shut, letting the tears flow freely as she mourned her friend one last time.

“I promise to keep in touch,” she said, refusing to let go of her friends until Kamilah patted her on the back and she took that as a signal to stop. “Why aren’t you guys trying harder to convince me to go with you?”

Lily crossed her arms over her chest. “We all knew you weren’t happy, Ames.”

“If this—if…Gaius is what makes you happy, then I guess we need to let you go.” Adrian still looked uncomfortable. “But none of us are very happy about it.”

Amy understood. They wouldn’t force her to return, but she knew they would try their best to convince her every chance they got.

“I did tell Kano I wanted to have more adventures,” Amy said with a laugh. “This might not have been what I had in mind, but it works.” Her smile faltered, and she chewed on her bottom lip as she tried to think of what else to say. “You guys know that I love you, right?”

“We love you too.” Adrian sighed, his eyes flickering to the shadows behind her. “Please, be safe.”

With a nod, she turned and searched the darkness for Gaius. He was still keeping himself hidden. She had a feeling that was for the best. The others most definitely did not have any fondness for him. They probably thought she was insane to make this decision. It had been easier to just run away.

“Okay. I’m gonna go now.” Amy started to walk away, but her steps faltered when a stifled sob echoed in the night.

For some reason, it seemed like all the humans were staying inside tonight. The quiet only made everything louder.

Sobbing herself, Amy turned around one last time. She barreled into Lily again, and this time they really did fall to the ground. The two of them laughed, while Adrian and Kamilah shook their heads. Still, there were tears in their eyes.

“I’ll visit,” Amy said, struggling to her feet. She helped Lily up, and the two of them hugged even more. “Whenever I get the chance, I’ll come see you guys.”

It took a long time for the group to finally part ways.

Once the three were gone, and Amy stood alone, tears burning in her eyes, Gaius emerged from the shadows. He walked up to her, and she leaned back into his arms.

“That went better than I expected,” he said, staring down the road where her friends had disappeared. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Amy nodded, turning in his arms to face him. “You’ll never get rid of me now.”

He grinned, brushing some hair out of her face. “I would never dream of letting you go.”

“Good.”

She threw her arms around his neck and pulled his lips down to hers, not caring who saw.

The past few days felt like an insane dream. How was it possible to go through all the horrors they had, and yet feel this much joy?

For the first time in recent memory, Amy felt happy. The idea of spending the foreseeable future by Gaius’ side filled her with hope. People might try to come for them, might want to kill them, but she knew that it wasn’t anything they couldn’t handle.

She had survived Rheya. She had survived the lure of darkness twice. She would survive whatever came next.

“I love you,” she whispered in his ear, smiling when Gaius shivered at her words.

He held her close, pulling back to look her in the eyes. “I will never grow tired of hearing you say that.”

Amy’s face hurt from smiling so much. She wanted to scream it out loud. The entire world might think her crazy for falling in love with Gaius, but she no longer cared. He was her home.

“Well, what do you say we find an airport and make our way to Russia?” Gaius surveyed the surrounding area, his body tensing. “The sooner we leave, the better.”

The last time they had been in an airport, things had not ended well. Amy wanted to remain on land for as long as possible. For the next little while, she wanted nothing more than open sky and deserted roads. Walking through fields at night, listening to the sound of nature all around. Civilization was overrated right now.

She took a deep breath and laughed nervously. “Actually…” Gaius turned to her, raising an eyebrow. “—I was thinking that maybe we should walk to Russia.”

Gaius started to laugh, and Amy had to agree that the suggestion was absurd, but she didn’t care. “Do you have any idea how long that will take? We could be walking for months. There will hardly be many nice places for us to stay.”

“For you, I would stay in a swamp shack every day for the rest of eternity.”

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “It will not be a pleasant journey. We will encounter plenty of enemies.”

“All it will mean is that we can redeem ourselves that much more,” Amy said, thinking of how fun it would be to finally go on an adventure that didn’t involve fighting terrifying powers. “I’m ready for a real adventure.”

She had lost her mind. And it felt amazing.

“Do not make me regret this decision.” Gaius held his hand out to her, and Amy took it with a grin.

The two of them began to walk through the city, and eventually came across some humans. It was nice when she had no voice in the back of her head reminding her of their inferiority. A few people even smiled at her.

There was nothing but sweet, blissful silence.

The darkness was gone.

After they’d been walking for a few hours, and the sounds of the city were long gone, Amy stopped. She looked up at Gaius, stunned at the way she felt about this man.

“What?” He frowned, uncertainty reflected in his eyes.

Amy smiled again, and shook her head. “Nothing.”

With that typical eye roll, he began to walk again, leaving her behind momentarily.

The future was more uncertain than ever. Amy had chosen to pursue her strange desires over her friends. She had caused death and destruction, allowing herself to become the villain, no matter how short the time had been. Nothing would ever be the same. Yet, she was no longer afraid.

Come what may, she would be ready for it. And Gaius would be at her side. They would become better together. That was all she needed.

Several seconds later, Gaius realized she was still standing in the same spot. He turned around, narrowing his eyes. “Is everything okay?”

Amy nodded, hurrying to catch up. Her heart swelled with genuine happiness when she took his hand, ready to walk into the night.

“Everything is perfect.”

#choices #choices: stories you play #choices fanfiction #gaius augustine #gaius x mc #gaius augustine x mc #bloodbound #bloodbound 3 #I'm internally screaming #can't believe this is almost finished

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textalotter · 4 years

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What are your thoughts on Scorpio Mars and Virgo Venus?

Hyper-critical of potential partners, the native enters a partnership that revolves around servitude and practicality, superbly sexual and pursues intimacy via sex with partners, has the potential to switch multiple sexual partners often, but the Virgo Venus calms this down.

What does a Scorpio Mars imply when a guy is trying to show interest and how does that come into play?

They’re the subtle hinters, they’ll make a lot of kind of romantic/sexual suggestions but if you ask they’ll deny. They won’t say anything they’re not ready to say and has a very intense energy to them.

What would Virgo Venus sextile Scorpio Mars entail?

A person that knows what they want from their partner, feels safe in their skin and with what they want, closed off and loyal to the people they love, could move others to come back to their own values and to be healthily selective, when truly emotional investigated gives their all and goes out of their way for their partner.

Can you tell me the compability between Aries Mars (f) and Scorpio Mars (m)?

So this is most likely chaos. I say this with love and in all seriousness... be very careful. Both of these signs are guided by mars meaning they are at home here or very set in their ways. These two lovers fall for each other very differently and need to have good communication to make this work! Aries is quick to jump into this whole relationship while Scorpio will move slower, yet the roles will reverse as this relationship becomes more intense. Scorpio will never fully open themselves up under mars but if other placements align they may. Scorpio also loves intensely when they do finally commit and this can be frightening for Aries when it comes to committing. Aries is quick to run from a relationship if Scorpio’s feelings become too intense. Aries must evaluate carefully if this relationship is something that they see for the long haul before making a choice. Because this is so intense and both signs are fighters in such different ways, they can deeply scar each other through acts of revenge and scorn. Aries can have a temper that is sudden and explosive while Scorpio will seek to emotionally hurt their partner. Likewise Scorpio will take time to warm up to Aries. They may move much slower than Aries is used to. But if Aries is patient and decides to be invested, they may find that the Scorpio man may provide nurturing and love they desire deeply while still being independent. Although Scorpio can be manipulative of Aries feelings here while letting them be independent in some ways. They tend to want to be in control of their relationships and how they are viewed and Aries is susceptible to ideas Scorpio can warp and transpires. If Aries lets this happen they may feel trapped by their partner. Scorpio may also tire of Aries impulsiveness and passive attitude. When Scorpio begins to feel trapped or hurt they will lash out negatively.

Sexually this pairing is perfect for each other! As both reside in mars they are equally “freaky” for each other and find similar aspirations sexually. This may be the initial connection between the pair because both respond well to good sex and find a connection in it. This is also a form of communication between the two. Sex speaks for how they truly feel for each other and says more than words here.

This connection is powerful but can fall apart quick. You must be careful with each other’s feelings and really think individually before making rash decisions that could hurt each other or yourselves. Be very conscious of each other and never selfish or the relationship will spiral. Compatibility is 2/10 - Under mars the initial spark is very strong but outside of sex, they will clash over what they want vs what they need within a relationship.

What’s your opinion on Virgo Venus + Scorpio Mars in a relationship?

Virgo Venus men are constantly seeking perfection in a mate so at times it may be hard for them to choose/they can be picky. They prefer the quintessential ‘good girl’ type or at least someone who displays modesty, an organized/professional demeanor. Scorpio mars means extreme intensity. So on top of all the kissing, he may even enjoy a bit of BDSM/being tied up/choking etc. Scorpios like that stuff. Men with Scorpio mars’ will be the type to also hold your hand while doing these kinds of things to you. Very very very strong libido [ruled by Mars]. Their energy is also extremely attractive– very easy for them to seduce others even without trying so be careful with romantic rivals. There will be romantic rivals.

Positive and negative qualities of Mars in Scorpio?

✎ POSITIVES:

amazingly competitive

exploding with passion

very patient, slow to anger

very strong-willed, strong-minded

they’re one of the best signs in bed

hardworking and bc they know how to use their power well, they have a lot of potential to do very well in their careers (ceo status truly)

✎ NEGATIVES:

p e t t y

stubborn

jealous, overbearing, possessive

holds grudges way too long.. way too long

remembers other’s weaknesses just to use them against them in arguments and disputes

passive aggressive asf

I don't quite understand how Mars in Scorpio acts when they are pissed by something, how do they act in situations? I always read that in comparison whtn Aries they don't put theyr anger out on someone immediately, but they still are capable of intense anger and emotions?

Of course Aries and Scorpio are quite different, even though Scorpio was co-ruled by Mars, Scorpio is the different side of the coin. Aries is a more naive energy in a sense of more reckless and impulsive, just out there, while Scoprios are more contained, strategic, never reckless. Scorpios are assertive, dominant in very clever, cunning ways if you may say, they are obviously scary and intense when mad, very intense energy, just their vibe, their energy makes you feel a certain way, while with Aries hell breaks loose. Their energies and the way they go about things with a Mars placement is very different, also depending on the house Mars is in as well, that plays a big part. Scorpio Mars are also very tough and extreme and quite blunt.

Mars: Scorpio

- Emotions are highly concentrated

- Vengeful if upset; worst enemy you can make

- High energy placement

- Secretive

- Horny 24/7

- Self-disciplined and self sufficient

- Nothing can stop them once goals are set

- Highly obsessive

- Apt to be jealous and possessive

- Powerful emotions make for a powerful will

- Don’t fear much of anything unless it involves losing what belongs to them

This is my opinion but I think Scorpio Mars anger is some of the scariest out there. It depends on your definition of scary or intimidating really but having been in close proximity to Scorpio Mars people...it's certainly something to witness.

They can be the sweetest most considerate person but when they get angry (properly angry not irritated) they can rage. I've had a Scorpio Mars confide in me during those times and go over these elaborate, terrifying ideas for getting revenge on someone that actually shocked me, because I would never expect it from them. I had to laugh (we both did), because it was a little ridiculous and also because I knew they would never actually do those things.

But seeing just how quickly they went for the long con and how they knew exactly where to hit people where they were vulnerable was extremely telling.

Scorpio Mars men I've actually seen have raging fits of anger that are destructive, but they were also very fiery, so that's probably why.

Anger aside, they're determined people. Even when Mars in the chart is retrograde sometimes they put so much passion into what matters to them, and are usually hypersexual. If not that then they do still seek out and crave intimacy with others. Casual sex is okay when they're in a certain mindset but really they're better suited with partners they can trust. They reveal a lot of their inner desires/feelings when it comes to sex that they otherwise tend to keep private and really they would like to be able to share these parts of themselves with the right person.

I do love Scorpio Mars energy but I understand that it's not for everyone in reality. They can be very obsessive/possessive of their partners, but not in any genuinely dangerous way (most of the time). The more demanding types who are obsessed with feeling empowered are usually the ones to watch out for.

When they have other things in their chart to balance themselves out I think is when this placement works best, but even then they'll have some lessons to learn when it comes to sex and applying their energy in useful ways rather than dissipating it.

The Venus Signs when they like someone

Gemini Venus: They’ll talk a lot about the things they like and want to know what their crush like and do. They can ask a lot of questions and be very open to answering any question that their crush may have for them

Virgo Venus: They’re very careful people, the kind you’re probably not sure if they like you even when they say it..until they show that they’ve listened to what you’ve had to say and what you like

🐏 ARIES MARS

Mars is at its strongest in Aries, its natural sign. This placement represents high energy, initiative, courage and impulsiveness. Most of the energies seem to come out as the physical and emotional type, but in Aries, Mars is very active and assertive in demonstrating enthusiasm for all four types of energy. This is a very powerful position for Mars.

You have an unrestricted drive to get projects done, to start new projects, and to act decisively. Your enthusiasm is contagious. An individualist with quite an ego, you always want to do things your way. Based on the influence of this planet taken by itself, you are not good at compromise or teamwork. There is a major part of you that always wants to charge out ahead of the pack and be the leader. Despite your apparent leadership abilities, you may function best when you are working alone and independently because of your demand to have your own way. If you are in a group, you will aspire to be the leader. Headstrong and independent, you won't tolerate opposition or interference and your temper can get you into trouble at times. Mars in Aries makes you very competitive in a variety of ways. This is perhaps the most courageous and enterprising Mars position.

You have a very strong sex drive which is spontaneous and easily aroused. Self-control can be a problems in this regard. As on the physical side, you are often unrestrained and very demanding emotionally.

The negative side of Mars in Aries is a lack of patience and discipline. Self-control and humility can be hard lessons, and often they are never mastered.

Like a warrior ready for battle. Aries Mars is a placement with an abundance of energy. Sometimes when these people can’t use the energy productively, it can channel into anger, frustration, and impatience. Aries Mars needs something physical to release their energy. Aries Mars is fierce and knows what they want and how to get it. They’re always looking for the next thrill/adventure. A great person to travel with.

🦂 SCORPIO MARS

In Scorpio, Mars displays powerful emotions and desires. Mental, physical, and practical energies are are, likewise, also very high. Indeed, the level of energy with this placement is high in all respects.

You are strong, self-reliant, extremely efficient, and highly self-disciplined. An intensity of purpose surrounds all that you undertake. This position illustrates the "do or die" principle very well. You may have an innate ability to transform other people in some significant way. You think of yourself as a "take control" person and a force to be reckoned with. You probably are.

Intensely passionate and sensual, you put much of your energy into sex. You are apt to be especially attractive to the opposite sex, whether or not you physically attractive. You may be fascinated with sexuality in all its expressions, certainly your interest is always keen. You're jealous and possessive of your sexual partners. Being trustworthy yourself, you expect the same from others. You're a loyal friend, or a bitter enemy, you never forget a betrayal.

Slow to anger, you rarely loose control, but when your ire is raised, you get even, and you can do so with frightening detachment. Proud, dignified, strong-willed, and stubborn, you have the sort of presence that is always felt by others even when you say nothing.

I love this placement :’) everyone thinks scorpio mars is big and scary, which can be true if you cross them, but they are so loyal if you just listen to them and be compassionate. They are actually pretty gentle like a cancer mars, but they have a front because they can’t take anymore hurt. If developed, this mars placement is incredibly psyhic an intuitive. Great partners in bed.

The differences between Mars in Aries and Mars In Scorpio

Scorpio is more observant and aware and will exploit your weaknesses. They're more controlled. Aries, literally doesn't give an eff and will attack you and try to dominate you if you make them mad. Scorpio does slow burns but can exploit aries's impulsiveness and manipulate them into messing up. Scorpio might feel attacked by Aries's directness. Aries might feel small when scorpio shows them their mistakes.

The signs and crushes 💕

Gemini: charms crush into falling for them , Gemini’s are great at talking and are total masters at the mind so it’s like they study their crush, will stare at them like a work of art , asks them aLOT of questions, makes them laugh

Virgo: observation galore, notices little things about the crush, to how they like to wear their hair to their favorite color, very sweet , loves to help and listen to them if they are feeling upset , buys them little thoughtful gifts if they really feeling them. Gets close with them

Can you do a post on how each Mars sign would try and seduce someone they like?

Aries Mars - oh they’re either direct in a sense of directly asking you out, or just wanting to get close to you so they initiate hang outs, they really light up when speaking to that s/o, just their body language and energy is totally noticeable when they like someone, you can sniff it a mile away, they will either defend that person or have debates and arguments on purpose, so they will mentally stimulate their person and awaken that passion when communicating, also other provocations as well lol, we are provoking little shits i must admit but we do it directly lol, also lots of touching and teasing, competitive

Scorpio Mars - ahhhhhhh intensity, there is some kind of magnetism there that attracts you, some kind of a puzzle and mystery that pulls you in about them, once they like you they will want to get to know you fully, they will want to achieve intimacy in your soul to soul connection, they are tough and there is a sense of danger attracting you but once they start liking you they will become obsessed with you and you will notice that they become obsessive and possessive and a bit jealous, because they feel emotions so intensely and deeply they feel these negative emotions like that as well and it shows.

Mars in Scorpio - Sex

In sexual matters they may not be totally open, but when they do let go sexually they can be physically and emotionally insatiable and do nothing by halves. The sexual act often involves totally merging with a partner and possessing the uncanny ability of understanding a lover’s deepest and darkest desires. As a sign of extremes, he or she can either live totally without sex or are very passionate in the bedroom. Mars in Scorpio is sexually magnetic, and when they feel passionately about someone or something they become obsessed. They want to explore the depths of a partner, but power struggles may be an issue in close relationships, and if betrayed they may become violent and their emotions explode to the surface with great ferocity.

Sexual, Powerful, Scary

People born with Mars in Scorpio are never afraid to go to dark and scary places. They thrive there, its where they derive their energy. It is best not to mess with people, they operate with great power in the realm of your deepest fears and oldest nightmares. If you anger them, they will strike where it really really really hurts. They have quite a lot of soul power and often spend their lives training it and trying to control it so that it can be used for good and not evil. This type usually has a lot of energy tied up in sexual matters. They will need to find some athletic or creative practice in which to funnel their strong core energy so that they don’t become total sex addicts. Their sex drive is extremely high and their raw sexual energy is usually off the charts. They are often extremely sexy and attractive people. Whatever they look like, they usually don’t have to try hard at all to find a sex partner. They tend to draw partners to them without much effort.

Men born win Mars in Scorpio will be the strong silent type, the dark horse. They are mysterious and intimidating. They are very private, confident, and sexy. They are very secretive. There is always something bubbling under the surface that you will NEVER know about. They may seem very shy and quiet. They are usually loners. They don’t do well in packs. They are very in touch with their dark side and use it to get what they want. They possess a lot of power and as a result they don’t attract a lot of competition. They are very intimidating and people are usually too scared to go near them. Less sharp people may see their quietness as weakness and may poke the tiger. They often attract less intuitive bully types who only see them for who they are on the surface. They sense some power but they don’t believe it so they test them and test them until they finally experience their extreme sting. They always regret it.

Mars in Scorpio is the most aggressive Scorpio position possible. If you think it hurts when a Sun in Scorpio comes back for their revenge, you will not at all be prepared for what a Mars in Scorpio man has to bring. They are out for blood and blood only. They can play really dirty too. Nothing is off bounds or off limits. It can get very ugly with these people. They are not the types to pick fights or enter competitions. But when they are in a fight or competition. They cannot stand to lose and they don’t really care how they win, as long as they do.

Mars in Scorpio men are not typically very athletic though they should be. They do great in any type of physical routine that involves focus and deep concentration. They can excel in martial arts, water sports, extreme sports, yoga, gymnastics. Their biggest competition is themselves and they do best when they can constantly push themselves beyond their own limits. They can be daredevils too so they should exercise caution in any sport and don’t push themselves too far. Mars in Scorpio is at their best when they can find a routine physical practice they can really excel in. They are so powerful and emotionally balanced when that happens.

Mars in Scorpio can be very into activities that are weird, psychedelic, occult, magical etc. They often exert a lot of energy experimenting in areas of the unknown and shooting themselves, in some form, into oblivion. They often experiment with drugs. They have to exercise extreme caution with these substances because they can easily get lost in that world. Scorpio is the sign of the underworld and its very easy for them to tell themselves they belong only there. They can also be a bit masochistic They can easily push themselves too far in a dark direction out of a dysfunctional need to punish themselves for something.

Scorpio is also the sign of transformation though. So more than anyone Mars in Scorpio man will have the ability to control or quit any addictions as long as he really wants to. Most importantly he can use his experiences in the other side to add to his own power and put the energy towards something positive. When this happens they are usually highly creative people. Their creations are so beautiful, they seem magical and they are always fun to experience.

Mars in Scorpio man is very loyal in relationships. He can be obsessively loyal even possessive. He is usually the type to stay committed to one person at a time. They have very focused energy and they can’t often successfully convince more than one person of true devotion. They are very sensitive, much more sensitive than they seem and they often get hurt by their lovers. When this happens it will take them a while but they will cut that person off forever. But they will probably fester and fester about it for a very long while. They may stalk that person and be secretly obsessed for a long while. This negative energy, though, often fuels them in some way, creatively or athletically. They always take their sexual turmoil and use it to boost their own power in some way. Sexual frustration often yields huge creative or financial success in their lives.

Sexually, their skills are usually off the charts. At their best, they are the masters. Instinctively they just know what they are doing. If they have nothing to block this powerful energy then they connect very well with their partner and understand her needs. They are sensitive, careful, and passionate. They love sex. They live for sex. And the opportunity to do it with someone they really love is basically the highest part of heaven and the deepest part of hell for them rolled up into one. It is a very powerful experience.

Mars in Scorpio equates sex with power. They are faithful to their partner. They can be very complex, and they need their partner to want to share the depth and intensity of the experience. They don't kiss and tell; they believe sex to be an intimate and personal issue. They give great emotional depth to their partners. They may focus on breaking sexual taboos, if their partner is up to it. Mars in Scorpio is a bit possessive of their partners. While they probably won't admit it, they don't like to share their partners with anyone, not even for social engagements or family obligations.

Mars signs and sex ♂

Aries: Quick to get aroused, little foreplay. Rough and aggressive sex. Hair pulling. Selfish in bed. Probably really like doggystyle, and having sex against a desk or a table. They don’t last long but they’re always up for a second round. Unexpected sex, be ready to do it anywhere.

Scorpio: Either really dominant or submissive, they like power plays. Lots of stamina, powerful rhythm. Probably likes things like ropes and handcuffs, they like to break taboos. Pain turns them on, probably likes biting and scratching. Hickeys to show possession.

What do you think about a Mars in Scorpio guy?

The classic Mars in Scorpio male, is dashing, and in charge, with a pinch of old-school charm. They are independent, strong willed, and gifted at getting things done. Nothing excites a mars in Scorpio like a challenge,. They carry themselves with a sultry alluring mysterious air, practically begging to be explored. When Mars is in Scorpio, the sexuality is unnaturally prominent, they will be a veritable sex magnet. It’s said the sexual magnetism is so irresistible, physical appearances are totally disregarded in the presence of this planet. Luckily, the cool tempering of Scorpio makes them go about loving differently. Rather than having sex, this planet in Scorpio is for making love. The intimate experiences will be intense passionate, yet strangely dark. One must be truly special to be with a mars in Scorpio male.

A Mars in Scorpio is sexy without trying, without knowing, without even being physically attractive. They just ooze sexual energy, naturally, all the time; it's something they don't have to think about, like breathing.Mars in Scorpio is a darkly sexual lover. Sex is something that is intense and deep for them, even if they will never admit it. Mars in Scorpio might be into the idea of power and will like to be in control of their partner. Mars in Scorpio will have a high sex drive and a need for intimacy. Taboos and strange sex appeal to this Mars. Mars in Scorpio can have sexual fantasies that might make some feel appalled. Mars in Scorpio is not for everyone, though. Not everyone can handle their intense passion in the bedroom. Sex is one of their favorite passtimes. Mars in Scorpio will make sure that their lover is pleased because they want to be the best at sex.

Mars in Scorpio

Your mars sign is about how you act in a situation. It’s your sex life and what you find attractive in men (if you are attracted to men)

A person with their Mars in Scorpio will take action with endless willpower and passion. Either they will get the task done, exaclty on time with a bow on it, or they simply won't commit to it at all. In a situation they seem calm, cool and collected, but push them to far and you will witness the intense emotion that lies underneath. A Scorpio in Mars likes to be ambitous and set challenging goals for themselves. They have lots of energy and as said before, although the are slow to show emotion, once they do you would do best to stay out of their way.

A person with this placement who is attracted to men will be likely to go for men with a mysterious aura. They like distinct facial features, and proportionate body compositions.

A person with Mars in Scorpio is always attractive no matter what exactly their physical appearence is. They have a certain magnetism about them that attracts potential lovers. In the bedroom, these people are up for almost anything. They think of sex as powerful, passionate, and erotic. Many like to get into the more taboo side of the bedroom. But at the same time, they are not sluts. They stick with one partner at a time for the most part, and what happens in the bedroom- or anywhere else- stays in the bedroom. And despite their often eagerness to get in touch with some of the kinkier stuff, they always respect their partners wants and needs first.

You will often be a jealous lover though you can hide it very well. Your sex life must have a deep emotional bond or it will feel rather meaningless. You can be attracted to intense lovers. You can be very stubborn about your beliefs and your ideas and thoughts will be hard to change. You will have the strength and will power to go after what you want. A very passionate person.

You rarely get mad. You're often annoyed, irritated, but you rarely get mad. When you're mad you fight people. You are prepared for any type of violence, and you sure as hell know how to fight even if you've never done it before. You're easily annoyed by family/dumb people. Dumb people piss you off as much as the next guy, it's just that when you're annoyed you go into a different realm. You're quite, which is probably why some people fear you, because they probably think you're plotting revenge which in actuality you're just annoyed. The only time you get actually angry, is when people talk shit. You believe that if you don't like someone, or if you have something to say, that you shouldn't scurt around the issue, that you should fuckin say somethin. I mean, you get pissed when people talk about you, but if people repeatedly talk mad shit about your friends??? haha I hope they have life insurance lmfao. You are a deeply and secretly passionate person. When you love things you LOVE things. When it comes to sex you are indifferent. It's not something you talk about a lot, it's not something you really care for but when your time comes to get it on you are A+ in bed. You are very sexual, kinky and all around there to please your partner and you have fun doing so. You're usually the dominant one but you're welcome to all kinds of things. People with Mars in Scorpio make extremely formidable enemies. It takes a great deal of hurt to anger them, and they are the slowest to anger. They very rarely get to their real anger, they may have many irritations and annoyances that other people may cause to them, but even then they will keep an even keel and not show any reaction and will keep it under the surface, like all of their bubbling emotions. For them to get truly angry it may take months, even years of emotional hurt, their anger can be represented as boiling water, the energy of Mars being the anger that gives the warmth, and the energy of Scorpio which represents the emotional water, it boils and boils, getting warmer and warmer until it becomes too much and that’s when they embrace their Scorpio nature and go after whatever the hurt is coming from, most likely a person. They are highly vengeful people and nothing will stop them from bringing karma to those who deserve it, they will fester for awhile, thinking about how to strike and when it happens, it’s truly a horrific yet incredible experience. Someone with Mars in Scorpio will make the source of their hurt make each day a living hell while being inconspicuous and even friendly to that person, you will truly never know if a Scorpio Mars is after you, because they hide things so well and they use that as their weapon. They will never stop until they get what they want and what they want when angered, is blood.

Venus Signs in love

Venus in Gemini:

how they attract others: venus in gemini people love to flirt. they use their quick wit as a tool to attract someone. they love teasing and making the person they’re pursuing interested in finding out more about them. they act playful and show interest and knowledge in many different subjects. a venus in gemini’s goal is to have the other person think of him or her as “cute” and “fun”.

what they want in a relationship: a gemini venus wants frequent change and spontaneity. they want someone who can hold great conversations on a variety of topics. they want someone who will show tons of interest in them. humor is very important to a gemini venus. every gemini venus’ goal is to always have something to smile about in the relationship. they want to be entertained by their partner and also feel like they’re “free”.

how they act in a relationship: venus in gemini people don’t care much about deep issues in the relationship. they don’t want to discuss them. they are always fun and full of life. gemini venus has lots of friends so won’t spend all of his/her time with their partner. they talk a lot and love sharing interests. they want to learn as much as possible and share what they learned with their partner. gemini venus closely analyzes the entire relationship. they keep the relationship stimulating for them. they make the relationship feel both comfortable and fun. venus in gemini wants to skip problems and emphasize the good aspects of the relationship.

how the relationship can end: gemini venus doesn’t want a partner that is always stuck on the same thing. a partner that hates change is a partner that won’t work for them. a gemini venus hates not receiving attention and feeling too “tied down”. if the relationship doesn’t have intelligent conversations, the relationship will not work. they don’t want a “boring” relationship. if their partner is always trying to address issues, the two aren’t compatible.

Venus in Virgo:

how they attract others: a virgo venus doesn’t flirt. instead, they will show that they are clean, organized, attentive, reliable and logical. the person the venus in virgo is interested in will notice those qualities. usually they are attracted to a friend. no virgo venus attempts to pursue a stranger, they don’t know the stranger very well. virgo venus will make sure to be helpful. they are shy and slow to enter a relationship because they want to be sure of the other person’s feelings.

what they want in a relationship: venus in virgo wants to be appreciated. they want one-on-one dates and preferably in a quite setting. they want to feel needed but not get taken advantage of. they want to fix any relationships issues that are present. they want to feel confident with the relationship, it’s important that they know their partner is loyal. because they are shy, they don’t want to be shown off too much. they would much rather have a quiet and dedicated relationship.

how they act in a relationship: virgo venus is extremely attentive. they love doing small things to make their partner happy. these things that they do are’t grand gestures of love, though. nothing flashy or showy, but very helpful. they are great listeners and will learn everything there is to know about their partner. sometimes they need space. every person with venus in virgo is pretty critical, but it’s just because they’re trying to help. their relationships are comfortable.

how the relationship can end: virgo venus is very helpful in such small ways that they might go unnoticed. their partner needs to be able to recognize this help and show appreciation for it. the relationship will end if virgo venus’ partner is not dedicated or doesn’t pay very much attention to the virgo venus. the partner can’t be too bold or active. virgo venus likes to feel safe, pushing them to do things that they don’t want to do can seriously damage the relationship.

🕊🥀 What turns you on? 🥀🕊

Mars in Aries: Women can be drawn to dominate and passionate men and like the idea of being conquered and tamed(seeing as how these women tend to be a force of nature) and usually they like the idea of “forced submission"The hair is a hotspot and hair pulling can be a common occurrence sexually here. Rough sex is a commonality and most people link mars in Scorpio to animalistic sex and I would say that’s more Aries mars natives. •kinks: domination and rough housing, these natives are sexually aroused by the nitty gritty of sexual liaisons. They're both energetic and easily childlike with their libido! They crave constant and immediate gratification and satisfaction and for that reason are known to climax quickly or overwhelm themselves with pleasure before the act has even started. They want sex to feel animalistic and raw-raw lust turns them on and so does the prospect of losing oneself to the "feeling" their muts in the sheets be it male or female and women and men here lean towards being tops. There not in to prolonged forplay and can get easily bored with overly wordy interlude to sex despite their easy attraction to the air signs. Persona mars in Aries(mars and Venus persona chart) •these are the impulsive and daring when in love, every move and every step is sought with passion and chaos. They may Natally have a calm mars sign like Virgo or even cancer yet when in love they're a different beast..one of high volistic energy. They tend to be a bit more sexually driven in the relationship and at times may seem to only have their minds in a bedroom setting 24/7 when in reality sex is how they show their love-it's a doorway in the most primitive sense of expressing their deep love for their partner. Sex here is very as they say "Latin" it takes on a powerful and romantic tone but one littered in intoxicating dominance..they can seem to want to devour their partners and can be turned on by the mere sight of their partner vulnerable and naked before them. Draconic mars in Aries: •a soul assertiveness-there is a hidden and underlining tension and friction to these individuals no matter their natal or even persona mars they have a almost unconscious desire for bare and raw to the flesh like physical interaction. These people are insatiable and often have a almost otherworldly vestibule of sexual grace-their past life was one lived with force and pravada one the was hard fought but one that was sought through ones own identification with her/his physical identity of the self. This personality often may never rear its head unless one truly grows to unify with this energy-but sex here always has an elements of emotional whirlwinds and vagrant friction..sex here is the most animalistic of them all and one that is as close to death as possible, these natives often crave fire sign energy in that of the natal charts of others and tend to showcase this side of themselves most when involved with Arian lovers(sun/moon/mercury/Venus/mars/rising/and generational planets included)

Aries mars are often the most primal and raw of the mars signs simply it being the first born. Aries mars identify sex with the physical body and feel the most comfortable in the realm of sex as they are in unison with mars-which adds to the almost domineering and tyrant nature they exhibit sexually. They tend to lean towards more aggressive and even fast strokes and or sways when in the moment. That being said Aries does things fast and can be the type to ejaculate a bit too soon, this can even be said for the women here. That being said sexually they’re not selfish and usually want their partner to be just as overwhelmed by the sensation as they are.

Debunk: Aries mars are usually very tender sexually and aren’t “go go go” the whole time! In fact they are fairly open to new things even if they express disinterest at first. Foreplay isn’t something they’re really into but it’s not impossible to get them to give it a try! A biggie debunk here is that not all Aries mars are gonna be super aggressive and wild!! Aha but they’ll all have a lot of energy!.

Decans:

Decan one(0-10 degrees): will be the more excitable and verbal of the bunch! Very high libido and an intense sexual hunger! Will most likely love tension and have a very natural and easy going nature about the way they express their sexuality! Might cum fast but will give you the ride of your life.

Mars in Scorpio: Men from what I’ve noticed are very much so turned on my the “moment” they LIVE for that one “moment” and the lead up to it. They can be very easily aroused by touch and perceived stimulation and or anticipation of a moment turning into something more. So if you intrigue them enough and give them the idea that something otherworldly(and or sexual) could occur via glances and movements and a small shake and jive here and there you’ve got them. Sex here is about control and how many ways you and them can lose said control.

✨✨ Aries Mars culture ✨✨

Aries is at home with Mars so that Arian energy is doubled and extremely passionate in bed.

amazing STAMINA, can probably go on for hours especially in their youth.

It’s a very rough, raw type of love/sex

Very adventurous in bed, would like to try new things

The hunter looking for it’s prey...and once they get you, OH BOYY

Extremely passionate about their love. If they love you, they will scream it from the rooftops. Sexual compatibility is important to them though!

✨✨ Scorpio Mars culture ✨✨

Pluto is the higher version of Mars, so when these two get together… woah

Sex is intense, but since Scorpio is a sign of black and white there are periods of total absence (which may come off as a surprise) and ones of full of intensity (not much of a surprise) (but doesn’t absence make things more kinkier?)

These people are highly magnetic and ooze a certain type of secret sexuality

Has high stamina and a strong will to get a lot (or very difficult) things done

Usually has a higher pain tolerance (mentally and physically), the type of people who has a “horror” story that involves them overcome something

Passive aggressive af (gifted at manipulation and revenge)

Not the one to kiss and tell, very secretive and takes things seriously

Into the taboo or unconsciously attracts it, relationships and events can border toxic or dangerous

Prime candidate to be a stalker or to be stalked

Very primal in bed, usually sees sex as a part of nature– a way of procreation before untimely death (like a prey mantis, kinky right)

Wants to be dominate or be dominated in sex, or at least into more risky, intimate sex

Sex Gods, usually needs to deeply understand their partner before sex so they usually know how to deeply satisfy them

Not into casual sex or sleep around, but if they are it doesn’t mean much “it’s just sex,” bc sex with a bond is different and more meaningful to them

Paranoid at others actions, they type of people who see through your lies and bullshit

Usually has to fight for their riches and resources, so jealously and protectiveness of lovers can be high and loyalty is a priority

Money, riches and other resources are hawt bc they mean power (which is even hawter)

Likes to be with someone who is strong and can play power games with them, or someone who can make them be a power couple

passion unmatched by any other placement

sex will be crazy crazyyyy

aggressive af

probably a psychopath in relationships, nbd tho

having intense emotions

Don't tell them they can't do something because they will make it their life’s mission to prove they can

attracts so many people but ends up pushing most of them away

Mars signs and erogenous zones/kinks

Mars in Aries:

Those people love rough sex and may like to include a little bit of pain in the sexual act.

They like to dominate and dislike submission.

Their sensitive spot is the whole head (if I can say that). They may enjoy hair pulling, ear bitting.

Hair Pulling is the best way to make an Aries Mars wanting to scream your name or call you different names.

As we were talking about names. They may love to be called “daddy/mommy” because it gives them the power they dream about.

They are the types to scratch their partner’s back and be actually very proud of their act.

Mars in Scorpio:

We got to the so known ‘king of sex’.

They are sensitive everywhere when having sex.

They love to dominate as much as Aries.

They sometimes love to get jealous, it might actually turn them on.

They love bondage and whips.

They can love everything from above, especially daddy and mommy kink.

They love foreplay as much as penetration.

Those people love blowjobs, maybe too much.

Having rough sex is not something to be afraid of, they say this themselves. Being a little animalic isn’t doing anything wrong, right?

Men might prefer a dominatrix or a person to dominate the game. They need to fight somehow.

6 notes · View notes

ais-n · 5 years

Note

2| and where is the trauma? both hsin and boyd were severely sexually abused. and emilio's illness is always treated as a joke. look Ais, your series has done me so much good between the bad it did. i found i'm gay lmao and i'm grateful for that. i'm grateful that you wrote this ok. but there are things that were offensive, and maybe it was unconscious, since i doubt you wanted to be racist or write a mlm relationship but more like hetero. i wish i could just enjoy the books but my heart breaks

3| idk what the one who questioned that could possibly mean between all the things but thats what i mean. i appreciate you a lot. i hope this didn’t make you feel worse or whatever. but some people really did end up hurt badly after reading icos and im one of them. with all respect, and hope that i didnt disturb you much, farewell.

++++++++++++

Aha I just realized I can put both 2nd and 3rd asks in one! Which is good because, again, the gay comment makes me laugh out loud XD As I said in the other post, thank you again for reaching out, for explaining your concerns, and for the courage you no doubt had to bring forth in order to do so.

I’m getting right into the answers in this one although I will probably ask more questions for clarification on some of the points, as I did on the first one, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding or misinterpreting anything.

More below the cut! :)

EMILIO’S ILLNESS

I’m really sorry but I wasn’t sure what you meant by that. Which illness? How is it treated as a joke? Could you clarify?

TRAUMA

So this I thought was super interesting that you felt there was no representation of trauma in ICoS, or I assume you also mean its aftereffects. That’s actually one of the few points I feel pretty confident saying the series does portray a lot of, both in some cases the experience of it and in other cases the repercussions.

One of the reasons both of them are so severely dysfunctional individually and together is because of trauma.

I don’t want to muddy up this post with a huge tangent but someone had asked a few years ago about the result of the Aleixo mission on Boyd, if he was diagnosed with anything, and so on. If you’re interested, I wrote a long ass reply about the psychological effect of sex trafficking on survivors/victims and talked about some of the things you see Boyd do that are a bit reflective of that. More info at https://aisness.wordpress.com/2015/01/28/boyd-aleixo-psychology/

I think there probably would be more information on all this by now, or at least I certainly hope there would be, but at the time of writing Fade that was the sort of research that was available.

Although, full disclosure, I don’t tend to write characters looking up the DSM symptoms for this or that; I write what feels right for them psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and oftentimes later look it up and realize they would have likely been diagnosed with this or that thing or they could be displaying traits of this or that.

At any rate, with Boyd, his trauma started early on, and pretty much everything about him is a reflection of that in some form. I don’t see trauma as specific to sexual assault; it’s most certainly a result of that but also of many other things. Boyd dealt with a lot of neglect and/or emotional abuse as a child, he was bullied by his peers, and generally speaking it was difficult for him to feel like he belonged anywhere. He was very often judged by others, often negatively, for things completely outside of his control, like his parents, their jobs, his home, the amount of money his family had, his looks, etc.

If you look at the Mayo Clinic’s list of child abuse, Boyd falls pretty well under emotional abuse and a bit under neglect, and you can especially see the toll that had on his personality by reading the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse in particular:

Loss of self-confidence or self-esteem

Social withdrawal or a loss of interest or enthusiasm

Depression

Avoidance of certain situations, such as refusing to go to school or ride the bus

Desperately seeks affection

And general symptoms:

Withdrawal from friends or usual activities

Depression, anxiety or unusual fears, or a sudden loss of self-confidence

An apparent lack of supervision

Self-harm or attempts at suicide

If you look at Complex PTSD, and in particular Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD) you can see a lot of Hsin:

Attachment – “problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others’ emotional states”

Behavioural control – “problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems”

Dissociation – “amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events”

I wouldn’t say Hsin dissociates quite that extensively but I feel like he does display some dissociative tendencies at times.

Boyd has some too, like

Self-concept – “fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self”.

I think in some ways you could argue they both display aspects of:

Affect or emotional regulation – “poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes”

When Boyd was little, he often wondered why other people were treated better than him - why, when he was getting perfect grades, he was going above and beyond whenever possible, when he was trying to be “a good boy” all the time, when he went out of his way to stay quiet and not bother anyone – why, despite all his attempts, other people were celebrate yet he was reviled, even if the people being celebrated were awful people doing awful things. He used to study other people relentlessly, trying to understand what it was about them that made them acceptable and what it was about him that made him not.

That’s why, despite being such an introvert, he’s good at blending in and going undercover; it’s why he can adjust to new situations and, in a way, act - because he always had to monitor and adjust himself his whole life just to feel seen and loved. His dad loved him on his own so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but with the trauma that came from the loss of his dad, and what happened with Lou, plus everything afterward, it really messed everything up.

Boyd was not a victim of childhood sexual abuse, but more of emotional abuse. Well, I guess, I should say for the most part he wasn’t.

Hsin was definitely a victim of childhood sexual abuse and probably physical abuse (that bit I can’t recall for sure). He was raped even as a small child, and that led into different aspects of his life. One reason, for example, he would go berserk and was seen by the Agency as unreliable in cases of him seeing sexual assault was because he saw, in some way, himself in those victims. It was probably his way of protecting people when he hadn’t been protected, himself.

I can’t speak too much on Hsin’s specific mental health status or repercussions because I didn’t write him so I’m not fully in his mind, but I do know that sort of berserker aspect is part of what came from his sexual abuse and physical abuse and just generally how he grew up. If I recall correctly, a lot of that led into why he was so unstable and dangerous when Emilio first found him; why it took so long to get Hsin to find a way to deal with the violence and aggression and anger in him, in addition to everything else that would have happened regardless of that childhood trauma. Why, too, it was such a huge deal when Boyd was able to earn Hsin’s trust, because he had learned in his life to trust almost no one.

You can see some of the way they both display aspects of C-PTSD as adults as well in the list at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder#Adults

I should be clear: I am NOT a psychiatrist or psychologist so I’m not suggesting that they would be specifically diagnosed with any of these disorders were they to get official diagnoses. However, the reason I bring it up is to show that a lot of the series reflects the way their coping mechanisms lead them to interact within themselves and with the outside world, all of which is often directly or indirectly tied to trauma.

Why is Boyd so terrified of anyone seeing him without his shirt in the beginning? Trauma. Why is he depressed? Trauma. Why is he suicidal? Trauma. Why does he go out of his way to avoid a certain block? Trauma. I would have to look at specific symptoms of different things but I would guess that you could also tie back some of his instability and his sometimes inconsistent reactions to trauma as well. Sometimes he does things or says things that may seem a bit reckless, or cold, or some other unexpected thing at that time - and a lot of times it’s probably in part related to how he learned to cope with things and what his levels of defensiveness are or his fears are at that moment. But he also has a complete inability to see the good in himself for a long time which also ties back, I would think, to some of the things he experienced growing up/previously.

Boyd is an incredibly unreliable narrator. He spends most of his narration thinking about how awful he is, how he should just die, how he isn’t doing a good enough job, and so forth. Yet, that fails to show the impact of some of his choices and decisions. Boyd was pretty much the first person to treat Hsin like a normal human being, to not see him as a surrogate of anything or anyone, to not have any ulterior motives or expectations of him (no matter how well-intentioned), and to truly gain his trust as a result. Yet, Boyd didn’t really see it that way. He didn’t see how important it was for Hsin that he ended up in his life; he didn’t get why Hsin was exasperated the times Boyd said he (Boyd) should just die, that there was no value to his life. He didn’t believe he could be loved so he couldn’t see it was even a possibility at first. Therefore, he spends a lot of his narration over the series belittling himself and downplaying any of his own achievements while simultaneously rewarding or acknowledging what others around him are doing. Not every moment of his narration, of course, but his default state of self is to think he sucks and others are probably better.

Conversely, Hsin is a confident narrator. He often doesn’t doubt himself, doesn’t care what other people think, and is very sure of himself in a lot of aspects like his physical prowess which, itself, is already above and beyond nearly everyone else. Yet he also learned not to trust or rely on anyone else in his life, so he’s incredibly suspicious of others because that’s how he had to learn to be. So, especially in the beginning of the series, in his narration he tends to be very factual about his own achievements and not shy away from acknowledging the things that are powerful about him (even if he doesn’t always see it as anything that special), while simultaneously seeking out anything untrustworthy, unreliable, incompetent, or unworthy about those around him. His narration tends to point out the flaws of those around him because he learned that if he doesn’t protect himself, he’s vulnerable, and when he’s vulnerable he gets hurt.

The result of that is, if you read their narrations straight as if it’s all perfectly reliable, Boyd seems even more unreliable and Hsin seems even more perfect than they actually are, because their default states of being overlap in a manner which magnifies the flaws in Boyd and the merits in Hsin.

Both of them learned to be how they were because of how they were raised, what they went through, and more. Same as how they react to various things throughout the series.

I can’t more specifically comment on anything without knowing what in particular you were thinking of when commenting in the ask about trauma and sexual abuse. But I think generally speaking, they already start the series having learned coping mechanisms that work for them based on trauma they already individually experienced. Those coping mechanisms end up oftentimes being challenged and at times destroyed or reworked throughout the course of the series. That is what leads to a lot of their ups and downs as individuals and as a couple; why their story isn’t a straight arc going up but instead derails a lot. And why they both spend the entirety of the series coming to terms with who they are both internally and externally, and what that means for their relationship, and how they can find a way to grow as a person and a significant other. They both ultimately have to work on trust; Boyd has to learn to trust himself, Hsin has to learn to trust others, and they have to learn to trust each other.

The way people deal with trauma is not the same for everyone. Sexual abuse doesn’t result in the same reaction for all people. I’m not sure if maybe one of the things you were thinking is maybe about sexual abuse during the series itself? I already linked something that goes more in depth on Fade so I won’t touch on that book, and I really can’t speak for Hsin because he isn’t my character so I don’t want to misrepresent his thought process as hidden behind narration or actions at different points.

The only other thing I can think of that maybe you’re thinking about is Boyd’s valentine status, and how he doesn’t seem to have overtly strong reactions to anything until Fade. If that’s one aspect of what you were thinking about, part of that is just how Boyd deals with things. He tends to avoid things that are difficult for him or he has difficulty focusing on, and oftentimes shuts down emotionally.

I think honestly he probably dissociated to some extent during a lot of things; kind of separated his body from his mind and felt like whatever happened, happened. For a lot of the time that he was a valentine early on, he had such little love for himself that regardless of how upsetting anything was, how little he wanted to do certain things, he felt on some level like he deserved it. Some things were probably a subconscious form of self-punishment for being born, for being who he is, for surviving when Lou didn’t, for surviving when his dad didn’t, for never being enough for his mother, for just plain existing. Then as time went on he grew to rely on Hsin and find strength in him. It’s also not like every mission he had was a valentine one, or even that every valentine has to end in anything physical.

That’s why he was able to find ways of dealing with things in some form, even if he didn’t like it or was uncomfortable at times, until the Aleixo mission. He thought he knew how to handle things; he thought he had found apt coping mechanisms. But that mission tore that all apart and nearly destroyed him. His coping mechanisms didn’t work the way they had and now he had to find a new way to survive, and from there came a lot of his instability and more that you see in Fade and as I mention in that blog post.

But in short, I feel like the majority of the series ends up touching, indirectly or directly, on some form of trauma as experienced currently or in the past by one or more of the main characters, and their resulting actions then drive the plot. That is one thing we were very specific about doing: having the plot adjust to the characters rather than force the characters to adjust to the plot. That’s why Afterimage exists, actually; the original plan was sort of like 3/4 of Evenfall and then kind of jumping into aspects of Fade. But we realized at the end of Evenfall that certain things would occur which would then lead to Afterimage and Afterimage then led into aspects of Interludes, which then led into aspects of right before Fade, which then affected a huge part of Fade itself, which then informed 1/27. We didn’t set out to write a series specifically about trauma, it’s just sort of one of those things that happens if you take two characters who have been treated so cruelly or poorly for so much of their lives, and put them together as any sort of team - but especially a team that becomes a couple, and a couple that becomes all but married.

+ +

Regarding the other stuff, I haven’t had a chance yet to check if you answered my question about the hetero relationship comment, so I can’t comment on that until I know more of what you mean. But I would say that generally speaking, I don’t know that I believe it’s necessarily fair to label anything as strictly “hetero” vs “m/m” vs anything else for a relationship. That brings with it a lot of assumptions of what it means to be not only gay or LGBTQIA+, but also straight. It seems to suggest there is only a single way or a very strict set of ways for a cis male and a cis female to be together both in a relationship and to have sex, and I guess I don’t feel like that’s necessarily reflective of reality. People are very complex and so are their relationships, as well as their sex lives.

I’m not sure how specifically the series ended up hurting you but I’m very sorry you felt hurt by anything. That’s a terrible feeling to have to experience. I hope that in whatever way, however it may work best for you, you have the time and space to reflect and recover and rejuvenate. You, like everyone, deserve it.

And honestly, if that means you have to leave the series completely in your past, never to think about it again, if that’s what’s healthiest for you, I truly wish you are able to do so. Stories are there to connect with other people, to share our thoughts and sometimes help us work our way through our own while reading. No story is worth your mental health being put in question. If it is truly upsetting to you to think about the series, it is absolutely not worth your energy. You are more important than a story will ever be. Everyone is. And I say that despite how much I love and rely on stories to get me through life.

If part of your duress is you like aspects of the writing style but the series itself and its contents upset you, you could try reading some other stuff. I have some things I wrote solo that you can find on my AO3 if you want. But also you can find other writers entirely. Depending on what you’re looking for in a story, and the sort of topics you’ve learned work well for you or don’t work well for you, you should be able to find a ton of great series out there and great authors out there who will leave you with the happier aspects of your reaction to ICoS without anything more detrimental like it sounds happened for you with ICoS.

Regardless, I truly wish you the very best. As I said in the other one, please stay healthy and safe! And, if you’re in a place to manage it, stay happy as well :)

Brightest of blessings to you and yours, my friend!

#ask ais #icos #in the company of shadows #Anonymous

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bytheangell · 5 years

Text

something to be proud of

(Read on AO3)

New York - 2016

‘I’m married,’ Alec reminds himself as he walks hand-in-hand with Magnus down the city street toward the sounds of a crowd not too far away. ‘I’m literally married. To a man. Why am I so nervous about this?’

He’s never been one for crowds or large public declarations. And this certainly is a crowd making a large, public declaration. Perhaps that’s why being present at Pride for the first time is such an intimidating idea for him. When Izzy first suggested they all go he’d been entirely against the idea. It’s just some ridiculous mundane event anyway - after spending his entire life feeling shame over his sexuality he isn’t sure he can just flip the switch from guilt to pride, no matter how confident he is in his own relationship with Magnus. He still feels a little self-conscious within the walls of the Institute from time to time, or in Alicante for meetings with the Clave… he hates that he is, but a few decades of concealing his true self and conditioned oppression don’t undo themselves overnight, not even with the love he now has working against them.

It isn’t that he’s embarrassed, because he isn’t. He’s just not sure he’s ready for rainbow flags and parades. At least, that’s what Alec thinks as his small group of friends (Izzy, Simon, Magnus, and Underhill) finally reach their destination.

He couldn’t have been more wrong. The moment they enter the area blocked off for the day’s events Alec can’t keep his eyes in one place. There’s so much to do, so much to look at. His gaze is drawn to booths selling clothing and jewelry, another with flyers for awareness of groups or events or causes, others set up with food and drinks, and even stages for performances. That’s on top of the entire miles of street which are sectioned off for a parade later in the day.

It isn’t until his eyes drift from the things around them to the people that it hits him. Everyone is smiling. Everyone is laughing. Even in the middle of the sweltering mid-day summer sun there isn’t a single person who looks like there’s anywhere else they’d rather be than decked out in colorful face paint or wearing flags around them as a badge of honor.

Magnus gives Alec’s hand a squeeze. There was no denying Alec’s previous apprehension over going to the event and Alec’s thankful that Magnus made it very clear he wouldn’t judge him in the slightest if he’d rather not go for any reason or leave early once they got there, no questions asked.

“You alright?” Magnus asks, catching Alec’s wide-eyed gaze.

“More than alright,” Alec confirms. He’s never been in a space so open to who he is, one that’s not only tolerant of his identity but entirely welcoming to the differences of the people surrounding him. It strikes him that, aside from his own wedding when he stood among the support of family and friends, this might be the first time he’s felt a sense of total acceptance of everything he’s ever thought or felt or wished for himself.

Alec lets go of Magnus’ hand to allow that arm to reach around his husband’s waist, easing into the movement with a smile on his face. “I’ve seen it on the news before, you know, but actually being here…” Alec trails off, not quite sure how to put what he’s feeling into words.

“It is nice, isn’t it? Even if it’s just for a day, to have a space where you don’t feel like you have to defend your existence… where you can just be yourself without having anything to prove.” Magnus fills in.

And that’s it, Alec realizes. He feels relaxed here. He isn’t putting on a show. He isn’t trying to be the perfect balance of Shadowhunter and Husband. He isn’t on guard to make sure he doesn’t slip up because every little mistake he makes will be used in sly comments against him by those who would rather see him fail for everything he currently represents in the Shadow World.

“Yeah, it is,” Alec agrees, feeling without a single doubt or reservation a sense of belonging he didn’t realize he was missing and embracing it the rest of the day.

---

Idris, 2021

It’s a long time coming, Alec thinks, but it’s an event that so many in his own generation of Shadowhunters never would’ve imagined seeing. The first Alicante Pride, organized by none other than Inquisitor Lightwood-Bane and High Warlock of Alicante Lightwood-Bane - which is far from a surprise once word starts to spread. .

At first he’s a little worried. After all, despite the fact that he’s done everything within his power to make the Nephilim’s world as open and tolerant as possible there’s only so much one person can do. He can change all of the official stances he wants, he can create and plan new events such as this festival, but he can’t change public opinion and he certainly can’t singlehandedly undo centuries of inherited biases. He’s seen more LGBTQ+ Nephilim making themselves known the past few years than he had his entire life prior to his own marriage to Magnus, and the same goes for relationships between Nephilim and Downworlders. The stigma is fading, yes, but far from eradicated. He hears the whispers that follow him even to this day, even with as far as he’s come and the work he put into getting here.

“What if nobody comes?” Alec asks the night before the festival, wringing his hands together anxiously. He petitioned for the opportunity to hold an event like this for years, and if it flops it’d be giving everyone who told him no total justification for their bigoted decisions time and time again.

Magnus crosses the living room with a glass in his hand, grabbing one of Alec’s from it’s nervous fidgeting to place the drink in it instead.

“Relax, darling. It’s going to be a wonderful event whether two people show up, or twenty, or two-hundred.” Magnus has every reason to be confident that the event itself is going to be fun: Alec did his research, hours upon hours of it, before even proposing the idea. He’s looked into (and talked with) the organizers of some of the best Pride festivals around the world, and pulled elements from all of them that would not only draw in guests but also provide a safe, comfortable environment.

He wants this to be a positive experience. He wants to show acceptance, and tolerance, and hopefully encourage more people who may still be hiding their true selves away that maybe they don’t have to keep hiding forever - that the world really is changing, or at least attempting to. But all of that hope will be wiped out in an instant if there’s any visible or vocal push-back. Security, as it stands, is a very select group of trusted Shadowhunters and Warlocks ready to remove any sign of trouble.

‘Raziel, please’ Alec thinks desperately as he forces himself to stop pacing and relax for a drink with Magnus before bed. ‘Don’t let there be any trouble.’

The next morning Alec is too excited to even think about eating breakfast, instead anxiously waiting for Magnus to finish his waffles and get ready so they can leave. When Magnus finally emerges from the bathroom with pink, purple, and blue streaks in his hair, Alec beams. This is it, they’re really doing this.

As they step through the portal Alec braces himself for the worst. However, he finds himself pleasantly surprised (on the verge of totally shocked) at the sight that ends up greeting them.

It’s packed.

Mostly with younger Shadowhunters and Downworlders- some people his own age but predominantly early twenties and below. There are some familiar faces and many he never saw before, a mixed group that Alec couldn’t be more pleased to see mingling together as one while they wander around some booths set up by volunteers. He even spots a couple of families walking the grounds with their children. Some are clearly part of the community while others look slightly more uncomfortable, a few clearly the parents of eager young adults who very obviously dragged them out here.

But they’re here and they’re trying, and Alec offers each and every one of them a reassuring smile and a few kind words of thanks for stopping out to make them feel more at ease.

“Excuse me,” a soft female voice from behind him speaks. “Mr. Lightwood-Bane?”

Alec and Magnus both stop to turn and then pause with an amused look between them, unsure which of them the woman is addressing. This isn’t the first time this has happened and Alec is certain it could happen a thousand more and he’d never get tired of it.

“Sorry,” the woman says with a quiet laugh. “Inquisitor Lightwood-Bane, I suppose I should specify.”

“Please, just Alec is fine,” Alec tells her. As he looks her over quickly, a woman only a handful of years older than himself if he had to guess, but while he looks at her he sees that her gaze isn’t on him - it’s on a young boy over by a table full of multicolored ribbons and flags.

“I just…” she starts again, her attention back on him. “I wanted to thank you.”

Alec steadies himself for whatever is going to come next. He’s had this sort of conversation before, the first time with Underhill and then dozens, maybe hundreds since then. He’s a little more used to them now but he still never knows exactly what to say (he still doesn't feel like he deserves any extra praise for simply being himself), so he waits for her to continue.

“My son is… well, he’s gay. Or at least he thinks he might be. And a few years ago I would’ve reacted a lot differently than I did when he told me yesterday because he wanted to come here today.” Alec remembers himself at that age, easily recalling how confusing those first inklings were that he wasn’t quiet like the other boys his age, the feelings that were more confusing than not at the start. What he can’t imagine is being able to talk to anyone about it at that age, what that might feel like to a child trying to understand themselves and how important that moment was for the mother .

The woman continues. “A few years ago I would’ve worried about his future and what kind of life he might have in our world... But I don’t have those fears as much anymore, and it’s in no small part to you. And your husband.” She adds, smiling over at Magnus.

Alec also chances a glance over at Magnus to see the warlock’s expression full of barely restrained pride.

“I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to hear that,” Alec says, meaning every word. “And how glad I am that he has you to support him.” The risks he took - and continues to take - are because they were the right thing to do. He never meant to blaze a trail - he’s just a guy who fell in love and followed his dreams. Sometimes he forgets that every time he speaks out for himself it makes it a little easier for the next voice to follow.

“I’m going to do my best,” she promises, and though she’s still talking to Alec her eyes are once more locked on her son and Alec knows it isn’t really him that she’s promising. “Anyway, I’m sure you have a busy day ahead of you. I just wanted to thank you, again, for doing things like this. I hope you know how much of a difference it’s making.”

Alec swallows thickly, only daring to nod at first until he can be certain he’d reply with a steady tone. “Thank you,” he finally manages just as she goes back over to join her family.

“Wow,” Magnus breaths out. “That sure was something.”

It was more than something, though - it was everything. All Alec ever wanted when he started putting these movements into motion, starting small with a talk at an Institute here or a small social event there, was to get to this point - to make the sort of grand gesture he would’ve ran the other way from half a decade ago because he understands the difference it can make. He knows nothing will ever be perfect in his lifetime but he’ll be damned if he isn’t going to make as much progress as he can while he’s here. He always said if he managed to make just one life better it would be worth it, and one look around tells him that the influence he holds now reaches far beyond just one life.

“This is the legacy you’re building, Alexander. And I want you to know how proud I am of it - and of you.” Magnus says at his side, turning to lean in for a quick kiss.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Alec says once they break away again. It’s almost too much for Alec to take in all at once so he allows himself a few minutes to simply stand with Magnus and process.

It isn’t often Alec allows himself to step back and admire his own handiwork. So often what he does is a matter of duty or expectation, nothing worth any special note. But this? This is different. A few years ago he couldn’t imagine a point in time where Nephilim like him might simply live a comfortable, honest existence... let alone one where they could openly thrive in a community of their own. And now, watching countless others experience that sense of belonging he strove to recreate today, embracing that initial moment of hope that maybe there’s a place for them in the life they were born into after all?

This is truly something to be proud of.

#alec lightwood #magnus bane #malec #shadowhunters #shfanficnexus #shadowhunters pride #i had the idea of Alicante having a pride and it wouldn't leave and I'm not sure how I feel about the way this turned out #but I hope y'all like it! <3 #happy pride 🌈#elle writes a few deadbeat lines

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gg-astrology · 6 years

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I'm pretty sure you're still doing these but libra sun/virgo moon? I checked your masterpost and it said to please request this placement so here I am lol

Hey there!!! 💞💞💞💞 yessss perfect I’ll do this now thank u for requesting!! 💞💞💞

[Below Cut: Libra Sun - Virgo Moon 🍢]

SMART but like subtle and sometimes a simplier unconventional kind of smart y know?

Clever would be a better world, these people are clever clever alecs

First of all Witty and BanterFULL!! You might often identify yourself through your quick witted-ness banter with others, intellectual stimulation is how u keep it 💯 with people around you!

When you can be honest, speak your truths say what you mean straight-forwardly it means you trust them to an extent (because you’re usually v aware/senses people’s comfortability level with you and that Matters to you)

Combine that with joking/having a sense of humour that’s compatible to yours ---you Know those who can take/handle it are Keepers 💯 for u!

It’s in the MIND that’s important, social relationship is important yes and with the Libra/Virgo combination-- sometimes you’re really bashful of compliments, or direct/heavy praises because both these signs are light-weight (air/mercury) and you also tend to think of yourself as y know, just being a good person/friend and lending an ear to someone.

Even when you don’t have to (so nice) you do kind of want to be low-key rewarded with people having a good impression of you, of being well-liked enough that you don’t have to approach someone, but they approach you instead (Libra/Virgo) of having a good social standing and presentation (Libra) -- that’s why you do your best to be kind, pleasant, cordial.

Common sense and judgement combined makes for someone who’s supportive of others, lenient but also no-nonsense (controlling occasionally, wants the best for others, brings up valid points) look out/take care of others subtlety in your own ways.

You’re kind but also you’re protective of that kindness-- that it could be taken advantage of by certain people at certain time if you’re ‘weak’ or give into obsession with something/someone too much.

Your Virgo Moon is logical and rational, combine that with Libra’s astuteness makes for someone who can be polite usually, level-headed and sometimes even professional ‘cold’ when you want to be (not like, overt aggression even though you may vent inside)

Your environment is a big deal considering your Virgo placement-- it’s kind of like an amplifier for Libra. If there’s tension in your environment, if anything is in disarray, if something catches your eyes or your environment isn’t up to your standard/preference--- your perfectionist streak comes out and you start obsessing over it because your Libra cannOT handle this (amped up by Virgo making it y know-- clonk in your mind until your Libra has to deal with it NOW instead of later)

Also,, you Do Not Get Emotionally Vulnerable About your Deepest Darkest Personal Fear About Another Person Ever

Things like feeling cheap, used, feeling like you’re not worth much. Feeling like you’re disposable or not valuable enough for others to see worth in/worth keeping.

These fear of ‘possibilities/future’ that has to do with yourself (and low key your self-worth with another person) is Never Going To See the Light with those around you.

Intimacy is the thing?? Like you may be scared of unequal relationship. With Libra/Virgo person there’s a certain degree of independence and Knowing You’re the Shit because you CAN Control it (which is why you pull your energy into manifestation in work, in yourself, in keeping yourself contained --- demand respect, rationalize why you deserve it. Know how others/yourself should be treated because of distance/tact/personal diplomacy that you have.)

---But when it comes to others?? And how they think/feel/treat you?? Yikes sometimes you fear that they might treat you wrong, abuse or mistreat you. And it’s that cautious and highly critical part of Virgo moon (imagination vs practicality) that makes you kind of afraid that things you can’t control (others) is going to hurt you if you give it too much power/surrender yourself to it

It’s not a big deal in everyday life, but long-term wise it’s important to figure out your own fears. Libra sun would absolutely REFUSE to acknowledge their own emotional need for others (aka their love/want for romantic intimacy and their fantasies for them) and your Virgo Moon enables that. You’re creating a system that’s sabotaging your goals/wants/needs to ‘settle for something more realistic/less personal’ even though you want romance?? You want all the good gooey shit you just?? Don’t want to acknowledge or work for it??? (and can sometimes overdo your niceness to make up for it, or let your timidity makes you reserved or cold towards others even though you want to stand up and show them who you are, feel valued and desired)

Virgo Moon in their everyday life sort through things and goes ‘this is unproductive?? what can i/am i going to do about it??' -- nothing you can change, or work on, so keep it out of sight and out of mind. You toss out the thought and work on the now but its STILL a part of your motivation, your anxiety, why you put your energy into other things so hard and much. Because THIS tension inside of you ISN’T released y know?

It’s MUTABLE so you’re always going to be nervous, slightly anxious about it. You need need want but you’re afraid (and low-key lazy) at sorting through your personal wants/needs desires and putting your foot down to do it.

Self-discipline is important, learning to look and acknowledge. To come to terms with true self-love and not self-sabotage is important for you.

You’re afraid of acknowledging and getting what you finally want, because most of the time you procrastinate or put off long-term life-changing manifestation because you don’t want to ‘commit’

Be good to yourself, treat yourself well. Buckle down sometimes and learn how to --- y know, express yourself fully and vulnerably.

Talk to someone who can give you a listen, who can wait for you to finally admit your true desires out loud and let you work through it yourself.

With your combination, it’s just a matter of self-admittance that’s hard. You don’t really need anyone to come along and tell you what you want/need, you intuitively know what it is you’re just afraid to say it into existence because it makes things ‘real’.

Get to talking-- it’s how your Moon works. What your Virgo needs is jus a little self-discipline because Libra in your sun (ego) can make you delude yourself into thinking you can wait around longer or not talk about it. It’s important that you learn how to make your Virgo speak up, get some clarity. Because you’re always going to want to please others somewhat and it BOTHERS you and this is the way to?? actually get to resolving it. You just have a problem with confrontation in yourself (and thus, lack of self-assertion as the consequence of it)

Once you start talking, even though it’ll take time (earth moon) you’ll slowly uncover parts of yourself and become stronger through realizing your vulnerabilities isn’t something that is bad at all (or as serious as you think, rather it’s normal and a shared experience other people also feel as well!)

You’ll learn how to use it to strengthen you and work through it healthily, instead of avoiding the problem which you tend to do!

Let me put it this way? Some Libras (you) have a hard time understanding because your emotions runs deep/heavy and you’re kinda low-key terrified you’re gonna scare people off ??

That’s why you never talk about shit unless you can ‘sense’ that the other person is receptive or open to it, heavy stuff drains you so you never really try as much to keep it going (once in a while). Your emotionality is kinda dried up sometimes, not your anxiety but your actual vulnerabilities.

Sometimes you may like to keep it cool--- keep it contained and smoothened out on the surface. Problems?? Nah maybe This and This but NEVER That haha ;; -- letting others in or know your problem is hard. But the key lesson here is to communicate.

Combine Virgo-- a nocturnal mercury sign-- with Libra’s venusian/social relationship trait. Utilize Libra’s cardinal nature to make it happen for you!

In order to do that you have to communicate first. Bring the self out so others can catch you and be there with you (emotionally)

Being able to feel like you belong, as part of a group/community and that your fears/feelings are validated is important. Becoming truly emotionally empathetic to others because your own hurt/pain/secret is out in the light now is important for your growth/self-development too!

It’s the way your practical nature and good-head-on-the-shoulder Libra/Virgo nature can shine honestly and freely (without the stress/tension you carry prior). It becomes more open and honest, more willing to learn. Release?? Tension within yourself??

Because what you were doing before is keeping it in?? Keeping it contained and that’s self-protection ok but ALSO burdening/heavy on you. Learn to trust others to carry your weight this way too.

Phew anyways!!💓💓💓 I hope this is helpful!! 💓💓 Good luck!! 💓💓💓

#libra sun #virgo moon #libra-virgo #anon #asks

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riestr · 5 years

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❝ You're up late. Come to bed already. See? You've got me fussing over you now. ❞ Arms loosely wrapped around Claude from behind, chin settling atop his head as he studied whatever Claude was writing below. Schemes, no doubt. Yet the hour was late, and the bed cold without Claude. ❝ You can afford to take a break. ❞ Sylvain could not help but yawn, ❝ C'mon, darling, it's dark out now, and I wanna go to bed, but I also want you there. ❞

burdens of a leader mandate absolute focus on the war effort, conjuring strategy upon strategy, a scheme for each strategy, a scheme for each strategy, another strategy atop a strategy, A SCHEME FOR A SCHEME !! complex web of a leader intermingled with responsibilities of a tactician much too frequently for his liking ; though that veritable truth shall never deter him from the path to his dreams / somehow, each step forward lulled him to believing that long road will soon have its distance cut short, short ’till that once elusive paradise of serenity was within arm’s grasp —— but alas, reality masked each step closer, forging a faux reality in which endless cycle prevails, akin to those paintings that present an infinitely looping world. never ending, a perpetual struggle, that is what he must accept. / no, no, THIS STRATEGY’S ALL WRONG !

with each passing thought, previous fallacies // once obscured by darkness & bog of mind // are illuminated with each subsequent plan. each calculations’ error becomes apparent, very foundation of his plan falls ( risks far higher than he’s willing to attempt, allies’ precious lives still human, nary tools of war to carve dream’s form. what is his dream if not to share with the people, who strive to aid him in this perilous journey ? ). it frustrates him. ire itself snakes lithe digits underneath the edges of impervious mask, its gentle force enough to paint canvas of his face with itself — pair of furrowed brows, accompanied by grit teeth, CREASED FOREHEAD, an impassioned conflagration that sparked in those verdant orbs that once held nature’s divine peace. it is the guilty catalyst that urges mind to remain ignorant of time, as if each passing minute did not further invoke cruel deity ( speak its name : time. ) that muses of a dreadful future should his plan prove lackluster. it’s frustrating, it’s frustrating, IT’S FRU ————— huh ?

evoked is a gasp from his lips, jolting slightly in his seat as gems of his eyes dart quickly to identify pair of strong limbs around him. perhaps being too lost in his work is something that may now guilt him a smidge, realization dawning that these arms belong to his beloved, albeit simply viewing them shouldn’t have been what evinced that ; no, mere way they wrapped around him should serve as sufficient indicator ! their touch is indelible, warmth they offered unique & a treasure that many dreamed of ( oh, how fantastical were his hugs ), proven reality by subsequent quietude that quelled earlier vexations, dying ember that allows for relaxed grin to curve corners of his lips, curvature remaining as such in his arms.

sylvain was the only one he could recall, in all his years of living, to make him feel this sense of security. their love was a meticulously crafted puzzle that could not be solved by only one pair of hands, but necessitate the use of two pairs, a divine love forged by none other than they. it was devotion. it was trust. it was communication. it was love at every angle, it was sweet as it was painful, it was theirs & theirs alone to share with each other. claude wouldn’t have it any other way, & he finds solace in that.

❛ oh, sorry. ❜ comes gentle but firm voice, brushing against the lowest tonality as lids shut to bask in rarity of this moment. sylvain’s delicate acts of affection come in abundance, time’s eyes may attest to that, though any memory of being asked to retire to bed eludes him. particularly from sylvain ; could this be the first of many occurrences ? even he doesn’t know. dwelling on such a topic is something he’d rather not do at current, for his thoughts couldn’t stop returning to sylvain. he was the sun that shone brilliantly in the woeful skies of his heart when seed of doubt, rooted so deeply at the base of his person, began its conquest of land. even when his sun would hide & beyond the horizon, he never truly stopped shining ; the world continued moving ‘round & ‘round, a silent promise of his renewal. even when he is not at his side, he knows their love to be genuine, sincere, tantalizing. ❛ guess i just lost track of time … ❜ even now, as he speaks of time so frivolously, he recalls the past. those earlier days of past that paved way to beauteous future of their present.

at friend’s return from year long ( really five ) slumber, small influx of those legendary allies begun making their appearance, one by one, to dispose of barbarous thieves, would dare rob the poor of their possessions, notwithstanding innocents wanted naught more than peace during war time. claude’s presence had been initially graved with only the original class of the golden deer ( in some sense, a reunion of leicester alliance folks ), an anticipated event that had been preceded by their promise from five years ago to meet at certain area ; spot where millennium festival was to be held, monastery that once housed them as determined students, flowers of the future, prepared to face against the many challenges life had to offer in pursuit of their dreams. t’was all innocuous, a reunion that rekindled forged bonds that allow not for barriers to hinder any progress ——— platonic, camaraderie, until conflicting feelings arose at the sight of him. the man who’s become his light.

orange locks were undeniably his, distinct hairstyle that forsake once bedhead - like look, opting for more refined appearance — curvature of face slightly different with growth, a kiss from maturity that granted him to bloom, compounded with charming smile that struck envy into nature’s gifts ( for even they could never replicate the jubilation or desire that sparked within claude ), yet what stood the test of time are those caramel hues, subdued & withholding greatest mystery that every part of him burned to solve. though he restrained himself. he must. love is an incurable disease that can initiate the downfall of one, it has the potential to be blessing or curse, it can be an intoxicating reality that could stray one from designated path towards the future. no matter how many smiles they may grace one another with ; how many drinks shared accompanied by laughs & extensive conversations that moon, stars, & sun witnessed at their ignorance of time’s march ; how many battles fought at each other’s side, back - to - back, resolute hearts connecting to escape impending peril, love would never plant its kiss of death on him !

& yet he is the fool who erroneously thought so. but what is man but a pawn on a mission to listen to knowledge’s teachings & rectify those mistaken beliefs whilst conjuring divergent ideals that may fix the status quo ? claude is only man, & he does not resign himself to love ; rather, love’s embrace has sparked a newfound joy in him that is naught but an electrical fire that has created a new song, a song of unity, a song that unites knight & leader ——— he loves it. he loves sylvain. were anyone to assert that loving him is a poison he must immediately renounce, then damned be temptation, for his lips would not resist & drink from the poison that has given life & dreams newer meaning to take on. he hopes for those hands that aided him in solving love’s puzzle shall, likewise, aid him in solving the greater puzzle that will light the road to the paradise of his dreams. a world with a new dawn. a world where peace resonate in the hearts of all. A WORLD WITHOUT BARRIERS. this is the future he envisions ; at his side, sylvain —— his beloved that his heart beats for. love is a virtue, as much as it is a puzzle. he is thankful to have found it.

❛ sorry, mi amor. i didn’t mean to make you worry too much, no más estaba ocupado. ❜ melodious tone is deeply entangled with his voice & for a moment, he thinks it’s his soul way of doing away with previous ire & facilitating the light - hearted moments that never failed to make claude crave more, more. head tilts back, deep breath taken, before lungs pushes a quivering breath past his lips & against sylvain’s chin. lids rise to see him, & was all it took. voice, touch, care. ❛ c’mon, you got my mind off of this. maybe that’s a good thing ! right now, ❜ he stands upright from his seat, turns to tilt head up & marvel at those chocolate hues that captivate him / the stars may shine brightly above us, my love, but none will ever shine brighter than my love for you. / takes step forward & leans in, pressing brief kiss against his lips. fleeting, but similar to the last ones & future kisses to come : full of love. ❛ i’ve only got you on my mind now. so let’s go rest, yeah ? i think my next strategy is finding the quickest way into your arms. ❜

as he moved onward, he knows he’s never alone. as long as he’s by his side, he knows that darkness will never triumph over the light of their love. / @amournful

#[ here take this idk what the hell i wrote LDFJHLKDFJ ]#[ this became so unbearably long i'm So Sorry take this as the end of my writing career ]#[ hereon i am moving to a remote town in south america. i am changing my name. this is the last post you'll ever see from me. ]#amournful #* m. / ic.#* a. / ask.#* v. / verdant wind.#long post /

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autismgavemychildvaccines · 5 years

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Why I’m Ashamed to Be Christian

So, now that I am literally sick of the Measles nonsense (no, fucking literally, working 12+ hour shifts on an incident management team has got me sick and tired enough to call in tomorrow), I’ve decided to do a non PH rant, though it’ll for sure rear it’s fucking head somewhere in here. Instead, let’s tackle something real fun. Religion! Time to buckle up. In my half fucking awake daze that I was just nudged out of, something really wild hit me. My faith, my belief in a very specific God with a specific book (though I admit that other religions, so long as their origin is not a company or a tool to oppress others on the outset, are valid/likely just as true) makes no God damned sense. (For reference, here I will claim my most closely related sect as my own; American Evangelism [though if one were to ask in person I’d say “non-denominational”, but historically, the two are close] and will be speaking as a part of a community I used to closely belong to but now have drifted away from on some granola-crunching dumbassery that is “I am a church of one” bullshit. I’ve wanted to be other things, but ever since I left the Freemasons, fuck all else has had much appeal.) So, first things first, Garden of Eden, right? Pretty fucking cool place, some might have even called it a perfect garden, a perfect place for humans and God to interact? But here’s my hang up with it. The trees of Life and Knowledge, and the rule that Adam and Eve could eat of any fruit except those grown upon that pair. Why even fucking have them?

When I asked that as a kid in a faith based area, they said because it was a test.

Of what?

“Well, of our loyalty to God and our Faith, of course”.

Except again, what the fuck? Like, I get the idea of free-will, in fact I am a huge believer in individual free will (I’ll get to that in a sec), but here’s the stickler here. As any other creative type will tell you, we want our work to take on a life of its own. Like say I wanted to program a remarkably bright AI, and it worked, and all I wanted was for it to recognize me as its creator and to discover and enjoy what home I could make for it. You know what I wouldn’t do? I wouldn’t give an AI, even with some simulated free will, the ability to break certain rules. For example, I wouldn’t allow it unrestricted access to the internet or my personal accounts. I wouldn’t even give it the concept that such things existed, let alone put it right fucking there to be used. That would be a flaw, an imperfection in an otherwise perfect place. And yeah, there’s something to be said for giving free will with not-free consequences, sure. But two things: 1) Don’t be pissed when the thing happens that you allowed to exist in the first place and thus forced it to be a mathematical certainty now that you’re dealing with perhaps the most curious species to ever exist. 2) Don’t go blaming them for a lack of faith. If anything, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, an act that abusers often use to get what they really want and have a thin veneer of an excuse to make happen. Now doesn’t that sound a lot like a good number of the followers of this faith, as opposed to an almighty, omnipotent, powerful being? Hmm, something to consider there, maybe. Speaking of followers, let’s actually also take a look at some of the prophets that we as American Christians often hold so dear. Now me? I’m a Luke guy, I like Luke. Peaceful, loving gospel for the most part, and I dig it. Peace and love, baby, that’s all I want coming from stories regarding a higher power that we had to hang up like a fucking tapestry to make sure we got all that love. But do you know who I fucking hate, and who I blame the most for how the American chruch is? Paul/Saul of Tarsus. Thiiiiiiiiiiis prick. This fucking Deus Vult Vulture. Actually in many ways, he really is the archetype to the Modern Evangelical fucking anything. Actively participated in the harassing, attempted extinguishing and successful terrorizing of a marginalized group. Then after being hit back for it, literally “seeing the light” and trying to be the fucking vanguard of said group only to lead it down a path where he’s suddenly the appointed expert of anything to do with the issue. And while he does this, he helps create the most violent and bigoted thoughts in the whole of the religion, and is praised for his visions as he says they are truly from God, and can thus act oh so righteously. This right here is a fucking problem, y’all. Like, I know the whole forgiveness idea allows for some mental gymnastics on how this could even happen, but even then to make a genocidal ass-face your de-facto leader aside from Christ himself for the next 2000 years is a fucking flip that even at the 1988 Olympics, if Christians were America, Russia would give them a straight 10/10. And yet, for many of us, that’s exactly what we’ve done. Hell, we’ve even fallen into the forced victim narrative of the synopsis of this asshole: “Oh well, you see, I was a heathen and thus I couldn’t help myself, but then like, the God of the people I was killing talked to me and like, now I have to do this (Take on the “burden” of leading the church) as penance for what I couldn’t help myself over.” We’ve fallen for it so much, that it may as well be hard wired into our nervous system to believe anything resembling it, just as we assume if something is flat, green and on a tree, it’s a leaf. Maybe it’s why we as a religion (and let’s face it, other Abrahamic religions as well) are so damn good at beating down the marginalized while screaming that we are the saints, we’re the sacrificiers trying to make things better. Like, let’s have some modern day fun with this bullshit, man; let’s see how we treated and in many places continue to treat women. Of the few churches I have been to, 100% of them had one dual-sided message that made me real fuckin’ uncomfortable, fam: Part 1) That women cannot be trusted onto themselves and thus 2) Men must take control of them and society to not allow for some unspecified “Ridiculous bullshit”. (as a fair heads up; I do fully recognize non-binary, trans individuals, etc, but for the sake of brevity I’ll be mostly referring to M/F in the traditional sort of way, because opening up Christianity’s treatment of anything regarding gender fluidity is a Ph.D. thesis for another day) Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I know damn well that out of all the dudes I know, and all the lasses I know, they’re a pretty mixed fuckin’ bunch. It’s almost like their gender assigned at birth doesn’t really affect how reasonable they could be as people nor how much responsibility they should have. Obviously some cultural practices skew this quite a bit in so far that women are expected to take more responsibility, younger, and for less praise, but if anything that should help destroy, not reinforce that message. And yet, the idea persists so much in Christian circles. And not just by the men themselves, but the women, also. For the longest time of my church going days, the pastor was a woman. She wholly believed it was just and right that her husband be in charge of everything, that women should be loyal to their men in all aspects. Then again, she also (despite recruiting members primarily from college) did not believe in evolution at all, so there’s that in terms of an intellectual hurdle. But regardless, this inherent submissive attitude within the faith (and even the half-hearted and self-congratulatory “Yeah but we REALLY are the ones making the decisions because we can withhold sex if we want” is essentially that too just a smidgen more empowering), when combined with the idea that men should be wholly in-control (which is a breeding ground for toxic masculinity if there ever was) is shameful. It’s what has allowed so much bullshit in the past, including these recent abortion laws. Now, I’m going to cover abortion in another post (I might get to it tomorrow; It’s been on the burner for weeks), but it’s super pertinent here. We, as a religion, have allowed ourselves to tell women (just as we tell/told minorities before) that they cannot be trusted with their own bodies, that they cannot be trusted when they speak, and most certainly cannot be trusted to truly hold dominion over anything. And that has allowed the most insidious, hateful, bigoted, disgusting things to happen in the name of God. A God that while I am writing this post I still believe in, but my doubts about how genuine the message has ever been is hitting home. One whose words about peace have been ignored when they could be interpreted or pointed to to support war, where the rich can profit off the poor, or to support sexism, because we as men historically have wanted to control “everything of ours”, or to take the very free will we claim to hold so dear from those who need the ability to make their own decisions the most. Words that have been used to hold down good people from making lives better. Words that in the hands of those who wanted, could be profaned and desecrated and thus allow for profane and disturbing events, both on the grand stage of the world and behind the closed doors of any house in some small town. Words which are held up with a wink and a nod so that followers feel included when they are scammed by some fucking fried chicken joint who wants to make more money to fight against equality, or to pay for another $9 million jet for some asshole who croons about how the poor should be grateful they do not have the temptations of the rich. To other followers, do you not lament that we are this way? That we have been this way for so long? Because I fucking do. And to those who have been discriminated or marginalized or whatever else against because of your gender or skin colour or situation or victimization or past deeds of any sort; I’m sorry. Genuinely, truly sorry you have suffered as you have. Sorry for what people have done thinking it was somehow morally or spiritually justified, sorry that they thought they were saving you. And I can assure you that I will never try to lead you as those before me have tried to. Though if it’s all the same, I’d like to get to hear you, and walk beside you.

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scribblesofabeloved · 6 years

Photo

Greetings for surpassing your junior years!

Wherein you discovered lesser rest yet

Yet full or jeers

Now get ready to present your very best

Trust me to choose Humanities and Social Sciences

For you will overcome not just a paper, but even a life test

In here, creative writing can move you into different ambiances

This is also where counseling and social work collaborate

As well as Philosophy let you learn in few glances

If you’re also fond of participating in a debate,

Have fun in speaking and thinking critically

So take HUMSS now, mate!

WELCOME DEAR!

It’s my pleasure to be with you here in my so-called “hood”. So maybe you’ll gonna ask if what is this for. Actually, I was just busy jotting down my ideas until I realized that I have to quit wasting time since this is for a scheduled task. (Hahaha!)

Anyway, let me introduce myself first.

My name is Camille and I’m 17. I’m in grade 12 right now and taking Humanities and Social Sciences strand under the academic track. Be joyful kid, because I’ll be your “not-so-pretty-but-just-tall” advocate for this time!! But before anything else, I want you to be informed about this blog.

This isn’t about your favorite love quotes

This isn’t a site for online dating so stop browsing on my account!

We’ll gonna learn how to become a good student here. (Believe me)

This is a serious business so I’ll be letting you to grab your daily dosage of happy pill right now. Hurry!

Now count 1 to 10 and we’ll gonna start!

So, what is it?

Under the academic track there are four main strands, namely Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM), Accountancy and Business Management (ABM), Humanities and Social Sciences (HUMSS) and General Acadmic Strand (GAS).

If you’re one of a kind having a deep passion towards literary, communication skills, psychology, counseling and law, well, welcome to the club! You’re maybe one of us–having creative minds, passionate souls and soft cinnamon hearts (the last word isn’t a joke!) because those things belong to HUMSS. Dealing with the subjects and lessons within this strand wasn’t difficult, neither easy too. All you have to possess are the following, in order for you to survive:

Two cups of patience (one for yourself and the other for your teachers (oops)

An abundant supply of papers and pens (those are tools for survival!)

ENOUGH self-esteem

A very courageous heart with a deep breath and an immortal soul

LOVE (since it conquers all. even your seatmate)

On the other hand, it is so enjoyable to study HUMSS since it really discuss about humans, society, politics and everything in it. Hey I’ll be sharing you some of my stories about being a HUMSS student for you to find out why did I choose HUMSS and why must you should do the same thing.

“Simula ng Huli” the making

I have the best pals

The first one was the called “best”

Next was only “pal”

In our Contemporary and E-Tech subjects, we had been given a task by our teachers to create our 10-minute short film. We decided to create something different since our fellow classmates agreed to come up with horror films. We made a drama out of a spoken poetry. We do not have dialogues instead we act the scenes that the poem portray.

Share some?

The story began when a Senior High School girl, Marisol, decided to step outside her shell. From an introvert, she made friends with some other people. Now, just like the usual scenarios, they made memories and shared struggles as well. But the sad thing happened then when many of her friends chose to part ways and everything about there friendship ruined. The story ended not in a blissful one, thus, remained melancholic.

The Sample Script

Pero siguro kailangan ko na nga talagang maniwala Maniwala na nasasaktan na ako at kailangan ko nang sumuko Dahil mahirap nang maibalik yung mga parte ng pinunit na pahina nitong bawat kabanata ng ating istorya Mahirap nang manatili sa isang sulok habang naaalala kung pano lang kayo nagparanas ng ligaya pero nagpalit din ng sugat na kailanman ay di na nga mabubura Pero Salamat parin, Salamat sa pagbibigay ng aral sakin na hindi lahat ng nagdudulot ng kasiyahan ay mananatili kailanman Siguro ito na nga ang panahon para matanggap kong ito na..

Ang Simula ng Huli

NOW, LET”S ESCAPE FROM REALITY!

Let us now talk about creative writing

What comes in your mind when hearing it?

Did you know that it is more of thinking?

Writing your thoughts might have spirit!

All you have to do is to hold a pen and sit

So you people with imaginations as high as a mountain’s peak,

Here is where you really fit

In the real world, let us come out and sneak!

It isn’t just about writing guys. It’s actually more on about thinking creatively and separating yourself from this world. And if you will gonna ask if what can I use to describe Creative Writing subject, I’ll just answer you with one word and would expound it..

AMAZEMENT!

Now, ponder of what does being amazed means and you will be able to understand what message you’re intended to receive right now. Just kidding.

Creative writing subject is a break from the real routine of this world. Maybe in a newspaper, it is the feature page. It is the desert in a heavy main course. It is the apple of a pie and can be the water break of your practice. But it doesn’t mean that you’ll have to forget about your self and the society where you belong. No. Creative writing only wants us to breathe and pause amidst the fast run of a train. It wants us to have a short break while watching a long and annoying TV program. To sum it all, it intends to let us escape for a while in this real world through our own imaginations wherein we’re able to create our own world.

To share some, the most unforgettable moment during our creative writing subject was when we’re asked by our teacher to write our own ending of a particular story. Moreover, we wrote also our own short story inspired by a song. But it did not end there, because we usually ought to make a role play out of those stories. Amazing. Aside of those, writing or composing poems with different rhyme scheme is one of my favorite activities too.

To learn isn’t just the goal of this subject, but rather, to make our experiences alive.

”Experience is the best teacher” as the cliche goes, because in my own perception it really gave us the grades. (HAHAHA!) I mean, our experiences and the emotions within those always lead us to a better piece of a story or stunning lines of a poem. This is the reason why many loves this subject. (including our teacher, yay!)

Oh, speaking of experiences, let me share you my great travel ever!

Three Days In the Paradise!

If you are lonely,

Keep in mind that you are best

And made splendidly!

Last June, I and the worship team members of our church had gone to a vacation. From San Jose del Monte Bulacan, it took us 4 hours and 20 minutes to arrive at Bongabon, Nueva Ecija. We spent our first day in Simple Life Resort.

The pool’s water wasn’t very strong with chemical contents since it came from the mountain brook. The staffs were very cheerful, the entrance fee was only 20php while the cottage rent costs 100php to 1000php and that made us stayed there until 7 in the evening.

Simple Life Resort

The “Batanes of The East” and the Lighthouse in Aurora

After an enjoyable swimming and bonding, we headed our way to Dingalan Aurora. The travel time was only 1 hour and 5 minutes. That was the place where we’re really going to stay until the third day of our vacation. The people welcomed us in a certain beach resort and they were very friendly. There, we had rented two cottages.

The sea was so tidy and the waves were very calm that’s why we almost lived there. Incidentally also, we’re fortunate to witness the opening of the town feast happened. The boats made up of flamboyant colors with patrons and bands paraded on the sea.

I and my fellow youths together with our youth leader also did not let the day passed without even visiting the famous white beach resort in Dingalan. We did not actually went there for swimming, but for mountain climbing. It took us about 25 minutes riding a boat from the island where we’re staying in to the white beach resort, and so we’re welcomed by an abundance of jellyfish. It took us almost 30 minutes climbing the two famous mountains in Aurora. But even though my heart almost fell on my soles, the mountain view did not disappoint me. It actually made my breathe away! Believe me, my tears fell when I saw how beautiful and wonderful the scene was when we reached the peak of the second mountain (which was my favorite also), the so-called “Batanes of the East”. The temperature wasn’t that high that time that��s why we really enjoyed our climb. The mountain was still full of green tall trees and the ocean behind us was said to be a part of the Pacific ocean. I almost cry aloud when I thought how Great God is. The aesthetic made me realize that if God alone shaped these majestic things, how special we are, since we were the most important in all His creations.

Humanities and Social Sciences is perfect for your run,

It isn’t as harsh as a bullet of a gun

But just as bright as the splendid sun

Now trust me because for sure, you’ll really have fun!

Hey! I hope that I inspired you and encourage you as well as you read through. If you’re still confused about the strand that you’ll be taking for your Senior Years, keep in mind that you have always to follow your passion.

In HUMSS, maybe you’re not going to study numbers, but you will know the importance of those. You’re not going to balance an equation, but you will learn how to find equality and justice despite of the world’s realities. You’re not going to compute for a product’s value, but you will know how to value one’s life and the society’s products. So if you want to become a future world changer, having a passion for humanities and looking forward to a better society, be one of us! Choose HUMSS.

#terzarima #monorhyme #ballad #script #poem #haiku #travelogue #advocate #creativewriting #experiences #humss

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