#also its late rn ok im sleepy

[thee-ratbaby]

Hello overwatch fandom!

Welcome to my - x reader blog, after I introduce myself and lay down some ground rules, I'll be more than happy to take your request!

You can call me Cupid, or mod, or rat. My username is from a deleted blog because this is a *super* functional website/app

I am 18+ and expect you all to be as well. I will write nsfw so please, NO MINORS

I've written fic on and off for >15 years and I'm looking to get back into it to grease the wheels of writing original fiction!

I am pro ship friendly, although I have limits on what I'll write (which I'll list later). I don't use labels, but I am against any form of harassment.

Requests I'll take:

- matchups (please provide sexuality or gender/s your attracted to, hobbies, likes and dislikes, notable physical traits, skills and abilities (if you're pairing an oc or self insert) and anything you deem relevant to the match making process)

- drabbles (I will not write: underage, scat or urine, incest, noncon (cnc is fine), or cheating. Any requests with these themes will be deleted without response)

- headcanons (most common, likely, since it's easiest for me to write at the moment)

I don't have a put together dni, typically ill just block anyone if I don't like their behavior or they're disrespectful, but for a few obvious ones...

DNI

terfs, racists, "maps", zoos, antis, exclus, and sigma lovers (/j)

The only characters I will not write for are winston and Hammond, as they're animals.

I will add that I'm physically disabled and it sometimes affects my ability to type, so please excuse if a request takes a bit or if there are typos. My spell check works harder than the marines.

Much love, and hope to hear from you all soon,

-Cupid

[chrisismine22]

Not enough

FIRST POST.

chris and you are"freinds" right?

TW! smut, unprotected sex, p in v, use of toys, masturbating, pet names, language, drinking.

y/n and chris

It was 10 at night and you were exhausted from your meetings. Tomorrow was a big day and you were so exited. You were planning on meeting up with a bunch of your friends for the triplets birthday. You were most exited to see Chris. You and the triplets had been friends since high school but you had connection with Chris. You didn't know what it was but being around him made you feel warm and cozzy. His voice was calming and he was HILARIOUS. You decided to text him before you went to bed.

y/n:Heyyy wyd

Chris: hey y/n im trying to go to sleep rn but u texted me

y/n: shut up bru

Chris: well Nick invited Larray. I thought you would be happy so ya

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

you and Larray were such good friends. His energy made your day. Everyday. Even when he was mad, it was still funny and made you giggle.

y/n:YAYYYYYY

Chris: glad ur happy y/n

well cu tmrw

y/n: byee chrisyyyyy

Chris: dont call me that

y/n: fineee

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Talking to Chris made you so happy no matter the topic. You decided it was best for you to just sleep for now cause u also wanted to buy a new outfit tmrw.

next morning---

Its almost 12. "Shit, i'm gonna be late" You quickly got up from bed and went to change. You threw on some grey sweats and a baby-T. You didn't put on a bra tho cause you thought you were just gonna go to get an outfit. By the time you finished eating it was like 1 so you just decided to stay home. The mall was to far from your house to get new clothes so you just went to fix up you hair and put on some makeup. You were heading upstairs and when your phone started vibrating in your pocket. It was Chris calling.

"Hey Chrisy" you say with a smile cause you knew how he hated that name

"Shut up y/n. Do you want matt and I to pick you up. Nick said hes gonna try to get Tara to come to the party so he wont be coming to pick you up"

"Ya Im just gonna fix my hair and shi but you guys can come in like 20 min"

"ok let me tell Matty"

you giggled at the nickname Chris gave his brother. you just hung up the phone and started your make up.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was about 30 min later and you were sitting on the couch. You didnt chage your clothes cause you would be uncofortable in smth fancy anyways. plus the triplets and u were close so it didnt matter what you wore. You heard a knock at ur door and got up from the couch. It was chris.

"HIIII" you said giving him a hug

"HIIII" he said hugging you back.

"wheres Matt?" you didnt see him because oyu were caught up in looking at Chris' new shirt. It was just a white T but it was right up on his abbs. "God" you thought to yourself

"Matts in the car waiting, ru ready?"

"oh ya sry we can go now" you said as you giggled a bit.

Chris was looking into your eyes but you didn't think anything of it cause you know, we're friends.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was now almost 9pm and the party was going great. Chris decided to get a little drunk which confused you cause he never drank. You were dancing when you felt two large hands on your waist. It was Chris

"Fuck you scared me chris"

"Sry ml"

you gasped at the new nickname. You knew he was drunk for sure

"Chris! get urself together bud" you laughed

His sleepy eyes looked into yours. You gasped again but this time, it was at the feeling in you stomach.

"Im not doing anything baby"

You didnt know what to say. because you liked it. You just decided to ingnore him until he pulled you in.

"Dont ignore me sweethart, I wanna hear your pretty voice again"

His low voice and the names you were given made you throb to you core. You decided it wouldnt be HOriBle.

"ok handsome" you dragged your fingers down his chest. You were drunk but not as drunk as him.

Chris didnt hesitate one bit, pulling you in and smashing his lips against yours. A slight moan escaped your throat at the sudden contact. You bodies were so close you could feel his bulge.

He broke the kiss, pulling you arm toward his room. It took you a second to realize what was going on after his kiss. Hypnotising as his tongue wandered your mouth. He swung open the door and pushed you in the bed.

"Chris what ru doing"

"Dont worry baby,"

You didnt know what to think because you guys were "friends". right?

Chris climbed on the bed, slamming his lips to yours again. You felt one of his hands travel down to your tits.

"Fuck you dont have a bra baby"

"Chris, we cant do this"you hated saying that cause you really did want to do this

"why not sweetheart"he groaned slowly kissing your neck

once again, you ignored him enjoying the plessure of his lips and his hands on you sensitive nipples. You were wet. So wet you couldn't explain.

After a bit of you whimpering and quietly moaning Chris kissed a trail down to your thighs. Before doing anything, he looked up at you for consent. You slowly nodded as he pulled your sweats of. He stared at the puddle formed in your thong.

"wet for me princess"

"Chris pleae--" you were interupted by a moan escaping your mouth as you rubbed slow but strong circles on your clit.

"please what baby, I wanna know what you want my love"

Your back arched at the feeling of his finger caressing your folds. "plea-please touch m--"

"you want me to make you feel good dont you"

you hummed in response loosing the ability to speek has the circles got faster and rough. You loved it so much. The pet names and his deep voice turned you on enough. without warning, Chris shoved two fingers into you. "Chris!" you moaned his name as his long veiny fingers hit your g-spot immediately. "you like that princess" he grinned as his pace sped up, still hitting your g-spot

"mhm" you whimpered as you felt a knot growing in you lower stomach. "Im-- close" you could barely get words out of your mouth because of the pure pleasure u felt. "cum all over my fingers baby" Those words set you off, squirting your liquid all over his finger. You were catching your breath when you looked at chris. his bulge was unbelievable and it turned you on, even after you just came."your such a good girl f'me you know" he praised you as he licked his fingers"taste so good mm" he groaned. Without thinking, you quickly pushed him on his back, desperate for him to be in you. You kissed him desperately as you grinded on his member. he was big, and you loved it. "wtf do you think your doing" he grabbed you hips holding them in place. "please chrisy, i want you daddy" you said whimpering at the loss of friction. That five letter word made him go crazy as he grinded you on him, helping you gain friction. You were a moaning mess and his boxers weren't even off yet. "your such a slut y/n. your my slut" You couldnt listen as you were derperate for his cock. lifting you hips, you slid his boxers down watching his long cock smack his pelvis. He was leaking pre-cum all over his pink tip. You decided to contain yourself for a bit as you palmed his tip slowly."agh fuck it--- feels so good" you knew he loved it from the groans and whimpers but you needed him now. You aligned his gurthy cock with you needy cunt and sank onto him. A pornographic moan escaped you mouth. "o princess your so tight i love it".

At this point you weren't listening to him, instead focused on the feeling of his dick deep inside you. he grabbed your waist only to thrust deeper into you. Both you guys' moans were getting uncontrollable. You could feel Chris' dick throbbing in you which meant he was close.

"fil-fill me up daddy"

The last word pushing hit to the edge. As you felt his warm liquid shoot inside of you the know in your stomach released, causing you to orgasm again. It felt so good. as you rode out you high chris started massaging your clit again. Again, it felt so good. the overstimulate wasnt painful but felt amazing. this time he wanted to be in charge. giving you barely any time to breath, he flipped you over onto your back again.

This time there was no teasing. You felt him slamming right into you. You did feel pain but it felt soooo goood. Your moans turned into screams as his member reached somewhere no one could reach. The squelching noises and your moans turned him on even more. You didnt think it was possible be this desperate for more but you were. He was pounding. All you could do was enjoy as you tits bounced up and down. it was mezmorizing how quiet but how loud he was. His groans made you reach you high faster each time. You were grspimg on the sheets as his cock made you nausuos in a good way. You couldnt get over it. Without saying anything you came all over him screaming his name

'' CHRIS OMFG'' your moans were so loud anyone could hear. As you were way overstimulated, Chris finaly came in you again. "fuck my princess" he moaned

He slowly pulled out as he flopped next to you on the bed.

''Fuckkk y/n your to good. I love you''

''I love you too chris''

[videostak]

OK now i know why ppl dont drive stick... soooo fkn scary today for realll. i mean idk its just hoorrifying . i wanna learn and like nothings changed i just need to practice more but driving to the mall today was soo scary honestly tho the most horrifying thing was me having trouble getting my rear view mirros right LOL like i was scared for my life when i noticed i pulled to the side and went in a parking lot to fix them to the best of my ability. i think its good now but even aside from that eveyrhint is so scary ._. also was at the mall for like 3 hrs cause the ppl i was sellign the stuff to were like “honestly the longest itll take us to look thru your stuff will be like at most an hour we’ll text u when we’re done” then like 2 hrs went by and i asked them and they were like “ohhh yaa we totally forgot abt yours uhhh we’ll do it rn” -_- so i was rly there for a long time and ran out of things to do and was sleepy n shit. im so sleepy rn but have to pick up my sister in a hour or so T-T either way i learned i dont think im quite ready to go thru big streets yet n stufff i still need lots of practice was def like the fight for my life there anyways literally jam packed exhausting day today just got home and only get like an hour of relaxing before having to drive again! soooo sleepy i mean i think i could do it soon i just have to rly practice and not get nervous n stuff the fact they had me standing there for three hours rly made me tired and made the drive home real nerve wracking. deff lots of practice  i need to do n stuff but like all things considered i did well. looked it up and u can go from neutral to 2nd if the car hasnt slowed down enough to be in first so thats neat to kno hopefully thatll save me lol. like thats what i was messing up w/ but like idk i did it and survived! lol. i think only 1 guy honked at me when the car rocked a bit but i think he just did that cause he was like wtf dude lol. or cause i didnt shift into 2nd quick enough so he wanted me to go faster. tho like yaaa also greaet finds today for average prices at book off got get yer ya yas out on CD :D and singular adventures of style council fuuuuck yea. they werent there last time i went so they mustve just been put out and both great things i really have been looking for literally just listened to ya yas on yt the other day ive rly been in a stones mick taylor mood lately

[dykeyote]

do you have hcs about what your favs are like when sleepy?

HEHE OH THIS IS SO FUN i do ...... i love sleepy little guys . ok hello its next day valentine and i wrote a whole long paragraph and then fell asleepers and i dont wanna take fifty years to reply to asks the way i always do so im just doing jeddie and yvonne bc theyre my tippy top favs rn :3 im really into syd too rn but if i take the time to do a big research dive into eveery time hes ever mentioned sleeping im gonna fuck myself over bc i can Vaguely remember him having sleep habits of some sort that are brought up once or twice and if i dive into all that this is gonna take even longer to post!!!!!!!

i think jedidiah gets sleepy very quickly and easily but is kind of in denial of this fact . hes like an old man the second its like 8 pm hes getting sleepy but he forces himself to stay up until 8 am thru the sheer power of paranoia and freakishness anyway . he gets kinda sleepy mumbly he like tries to go on long rambles but its sort of incoherent and quiet . also i think he sleeps in the weirdest positions EXCLUSIVELY he cant sleep if all his limbs arent bent in weird positions and his head isnt tilted weirdly and his pillow isnt in the most hyperspecific configuration possible . also i feel like he needs a clock by him to sleep ..... he needs to Hear the ticking or he cant sleep . i also think he has a lot of rituals (sorry for ocdjedding i cant help it) abt checking to be sure sydneys alive and shit like that so he tends to like . practically fall asleep and then get very anxious and checky and then almost fall back asleep again and hten loop for a while before he properly zonks out

yvonne i think is very much the opposite she can stay up SUPER late . whenever theyd hang out w the above at night jeddied start nodding off in the middle of it and yvonned shake him up . i think they tend to snore and sleeptalk theyre Quite noisy when theyre asleep joshua is deeply annoyed by it but yvonne tells him 2 stop being a big baby . i think they get very grouchy when shes tired in the mornings they NEEED to wake up late and have had breakfast in order to talk to u or else theyre grumbling and glaring and making huffy noises about it . on the contrary i think at NIGHTS when shes sleepy shes very silly and chatty and they go on big rambles and enjoy cuddling up and things like that . tired vs sleepy ........ i think they also sleep Splayed About all over the place and i dont think they usually have a blanket they seem like the type to run hot to me ... goths who run hot i salute u . they can also sleep anywhere i feel like they can sleep in a chair or leaning against something or at a desk or standing up at any time if theyre sleepy they can just zonk out

[tonberry-yoda]

it is midnight and that means its saturday so i am here for my matchup 🤭 in all honesty i have been wanting to request one from u for so long bc i love the way u write your matchups loll, but ANYWAYS! could i pls get a haikyuu matchup? i go by she/her, im straight nd i’d like a romantic matchup 🫡 so im like 5’2 i think, dyed black hair (goes a bit past my shoulders and my natural color is brown), brown eyes, and i have a lot of freckles on my face. i have my septum and both sides of my nose pierced along with a few ear piercings.im an ambivert so how i act definitely depends on the environment im in but with the right people im very outgoing (very chatty lol). but my social battery also gets drained v fast so after big social gatherings i need some time to recover (usually recovering = taking a long nap). i get really snappy if i my social battery is drained so the whole recovery thing is v important lmao. i am also a very sleepy person, my friends like to joke that im chronically tired lmfao, i take naps almost every day and if im in a car, sitting down in class or doing something like that i probably will fall asleep. i cannot control it T_T i also trip, run into things, drop things, etc. all the time. my house could be dead silent and then out of nowhere u just hear a crash and “what the fuck” yea thats me sorry 🤫🤫 i also like to tease ppl a lot, not in a flirty way more like in a provoking way (i cant flirt i have 0 rizz). moving on!! some things i look for in a relationship r someone who can be patient with me and dont mind reassuring (if they do it without me asking its 100x better). i love when show theyre thinking abt me through little things like “oh i was at the store and i saw your fav candy so i picked it up” or “i saw your favorite flowers on my walk home and thought of you” id cry. also someone who isnt afraid to show they care (not in a sense of like pda but moreso they arent too prideful to do dumb stuff like dance with u at 2 am in the kitchen). anyways my type! they dont have to be like 7ft tall but maybe 5’9 or 5’10 +. i like funny guys but not funny at the expense of others. i also really like guys that are able to actually respect me as a person. i pride myself on being really smart and mature (when i need to be lol) and i genuinely would not be able to stand someone that saw me as any less than that. OK MOVING ON! hobbies/ interests! i love music. so much. music is my creative outlet and how i express myself. i annotate song lyrics. i connect with music through personal experience its just so so important to me. i am learning how to play the electric guitar so i can connect with it even more. my favorite artists rn are the 1975, mitski, ptv and sleeping with sirens:p although im always open to expanding my music taste!! i also like to play some video games(obsessed with animal crossing lately lol). aand my love language is words of affirmation. sorry if this is really long T_T and if you dont get to this no biggy but if you do tsym!<3

WHEN I TELL YOU THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD THIS MORNING LMFAOOOOO. and that little note at the beginning is so sweet! i am so glad i am able to do a matchup for you anon!! okay, so i have a perfect little dude for you, but it may be random so bear with me. i love this man, so i hope you do too!

the character I chose for you is...

KEISHIN UKAI!!!

OKAY

HEAR ME OUT!

ukai is flippin hot

i would love to be in your shoes

(he's my fav haikyuu character besides tanaka, so you're lucky frrr)

he would love your piercings

he's a piercing fella himself (he's what made me want to get my second ear piercings lmfaoooo)

like he thinks it's high key hot

he's also an ambrivert, so both of your personalities match up really well

he is totally understanding of your drained social battery (plus, he gets the same way) so he'll just let you nap while he works or leave you alone if needed

WILL 100% TAKE NAPS WITH YOU

like will hold you in his arms and nap a whole day away when he gets the day off

you will always knock over things in his shop and he'll just laugh or wait for you to pick it up while dead staring at you lmfaoooo

he'll definitely know if you walk in when he hears a whole ass display get knocked over

he thinks it's cute when you tease him even if you say it isnt about flirting, his dumbass thinks it is which is fine by you so you can tease him more often

the real reason i picked this guy is because of what you said about him bringing you things that made him think of you

like this man will roll up with a chocolate bar and shove it in your hand with a pile of chips shoved in his mouth and say "I thought of you today at the store and grabbed this"

he doesnt see it as much, but you are over the moon about it

when he finds out about how much you love it, he will keep doing it

he is very patient and caring for you and literally only has eyes for you

he also always gets you to laugh, which always makes his day

please play music for him

he will have heart shaped eyes if you do

he will 100% play videogames with you, but you have to teach him how to play half of the time lmfaoooo

he will always tell you how much he loves you and how pretty and amazing you are frfr

if you go to any of his practices or games when he is coaching, he will brag about you

(i am so sorry this took so long i forgot it was in my drafts. i hope you love it nonetheless though!!!)

~~~~~

matchup rules --- pinned post

@tonberry-yoda

[smoosnoom]

hiii!

moon i’ve already mentioned that i cried like a baby right? it’s never too late to mention it once again bc im not a crybaby and u need to know how u make me feel.

“Winter is slow. It makes him slower than he likes to be” ohhh somebody is projecting once again i see.

do i have to admit now that i probably would enjoy tomato concoction? at least the thing that google showed me

““Don’t say his name,”” what did will do? 🤔

“It’s too early to go to bed. It’s too dark to do anything fun” no literally. the reason winter is my least favorite season.

“Why he’s still thinking about him” he was ur best friend for more than 10 years. ofc u think about him. i bet u think about him every day.

“Mike has never liked thinking” i guess terrible pick up lines not the only thing we have in common with mike

“wisely holding back the fact he probably hasn’t eaten a vegetable in several days” maybe he should try dustin’s tomato dish

“It’s only eight p.m. when his head hits the pillow, and he’s out like a light” honestly? it’s me rn. im not that sleepy but if my head hit pillow i’ll pass out

“he’s beginning to wonder if all the women in his life weightlift in their free time” or maybe just maybe he needs to eat properly

““Someone already wrote about Hannibal.”” LMFAO

“El lets out a sniffle” oh she’s a Manipulator

““Hi,” Will says” the first time he was mentioned by the name and its like.. the middle of the first chapter?

“Mike’s head feels a little bit like it’s been replaced by a tumble of rocks” not for the first time

“because he is an abomination who likes fries dipped in milkshakes” another reason to trust in tomato concoction 🫡

“Mike would bet countless amounts of money that El’s hands are perfectly clean” she’s evil in a good way and i love that about her <3

“The garage is cold and dark when they step out” oh no?? it feels like a good and a bad thing at the same time

““Because you never did!”” so they’re two idiots again?

“”how is this all my fault? Why am I the bad guy?”” ???? oh…

have i ever mentioned why i haven’t listened “evermore” properly? it cause i decided to listen the day it dropped and i was crying so hard i skipped my classes. so yeah i think i feel the right vibe.

and “about you” is my now love. i listen to it since the album was released and i can’t help having butterflies.

so glad that spirits that possess u until u write something didn’t calm down and now we have that heart-wrenching masterpiece <3

can’t wait till the next chapter!

love u, bye 🤍

hellooo alya i am finally . replying to this because u are Crazy .

😭 im so sorry for making u cry ,, if it helps . it was unintentional !

IT WASNT ENTIRELT PROJECTING . actually a lot of it was ok winter makes me so sluggish ☹️

i am Not a fan of tomato . u can have my tomato portions all u want 🍅

yes !!! winter sucks !!!!!!!! u get me

"i bet u think about him everyday" 😭😭 going after his THROAT oh my god

if it helps . ur pick up lines are so bad that they're charming ! :)

omg like popeye he eats a single vegetable and suddenly becomes So Buff

yes !!!! i wanted the first time will's name is mentioned to be Very Special

U LIKE FRIES AND MILKSHAKES ??*=($*÷(÷(÷ ALYA

el using her cuteness for Evil she's everything to me

they're two idiots again ☹️

oh no 😭😭 u are So real for that evermore evokes emotion in me that i can't even describe !!! and I LOVEEEEE ABOUT YOU omg do u also like the 1975 ? im such a big fan of them !!!!!

alya im 29929219% sure if i searched up Nicest Sweetest Best Person in the World, ur name would pop up

ilysm, thank u always for motivating me :] <3

[caruliaa]

i was abt to say "ok its not that late but" but then i realized it kinda is that late like almost 3am. im j insane and dont think of that as that late AHBHABH but i am really really tiredddd so yeah im gonna go to sleep rn im sorry i havent answered ur asks but !!!! i did wanna send this to say that vcing with you and chatting and hearing ur voice and watching the cs weekly was sososoooo funnnn :333!!!! and in general it is sososo much fun and so lovely and brings me sm happiness and joy and light and warmth to be your friend like you are suchhh a wonderful caring thoughtful lovely frienddd mx and you are also on top of that such a loveable lovely good amazing kind personnn my beloved mushroom:333!!! and i just feel so grateful to know youuu and i want u to know im here for u and care abt u smmmm and i love you sososoooomuchhhhhh (hugsyouuuuu if u want !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!💕💕��🏻🫶🏻💕💕💕🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻💕💕💕���🫶🏻💕💕💕💕)

nono i get that as someone who alsoo doesnt think of it as that late OFJFJD i mean both of us have messed up sleep schedules we just have them together and that is beautiful and the definition of love and friendship <3 but also we are both also always so sleepy tired so perhaps it is not that much DFGSDFHDFGDF anyway dw abt not answering my asks i understand with the sleepy tiredness and !! ough omg ur soso sweet love i hope u know ;; i really had sm fun vcing with you too love it really was soso lovely i think watching csweekly together and just talking with you and hearing your voice just really was so so wonderful and brought me sm joy and light and warmth and im so so glad that it was the same for you love because i really do just want to like. bring as much joy and light into your life as i can love and in rly glad that i could and i do in general my love and i hope you know that you really are same to mw and are just such a wonderful kind caring thoughtful friend to me that makes me feel so so loved and cared for and safe warm with you love i hope you know and just !!! you really are just the most amazing wonderful person im my life and the world dearest you really are just so so special and dear to me and i hope you know you really do mean the world to me and im always always always here for you whenever you need me and i really do just love you so so very very much my dearest w all my heart *hugs you back so so much if youd like !!!!* 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💗💗💗💗💗💗💕💕💕💕🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽💞💞💞💞💗💗💗💗💗💕💕💕💕💕💕🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

[0tul1ss]

Uh oh! I texted him!

[ghosttotheparty]

while the world ends around us (make believe with me)

5. We let the freckles on our faces make a million stars AO3

When Jens’s phone buzzed late last night, he ignored it, simply glancing at the brightening screen before looking away, back at the video game he was engrossed in. Lotte and his mom were both in bed, probably snoring, but he couldn’t fall asleep, hard as he tried. 

It was almost midnight when he finally took off the headset and shut off the tv, rubbing his sore ears and blinking in the dim light of the hallway seeping into the living room after staring at the bright, fluorescent screen for so long. As he moved down the hallway, it was like the music and booms and crashes of the game were echoing, rattling around in his skull, clashing with the deafening silence as he cracked Lotte’s door open and gazed at her for a second, his phone, notification forgotten, in the pocket of his sweatpants. 

He’d left his light off when he threw himself onto the bed, the door shut gently behind him. The windows were cracked open, the pale yellow curtains parted to let light from street lamps leak into the room, the quiet city just out of reach as he stepped between the window and his bed to grab his earbuds from the floor. 

He fell onto the bed, causing a quiet thump and he buried himself under his blanket, hiding from the soft breeze sneaking into the room. He finally pulled his phone out, struggling for a second before managing to plug in his earbuds, and he opened his phone, flinching as it shone too brightly in the dark. His eyes caught on a notification as the phone opened too quickly for him to read it beyond a phone number he didn’t recognise.  He let out a quiet “Oh,” as he swiped on the screen until his messages were open, remembering suddenly, his heart picking up its pace until he could hear it. 

l: hey this is lucas :)

Jens smiled, hurriedly sending a hey whats up?? before adding the number as a contact, as lucas :). (He’d used a smiley face in the initial email, so maybe it was a Lucas thing.) Before he could leave the app to open his music, Lucas had texted back. 

l: not much just staring at the ceiling

Jens had laughed lightly, rolling over so he was on his belly, propping himself up on his elbows with his phone in front of him. 

j: oh same

He paused before typing again. 

j: sooooo how are you liking antwerp

He watched as a bubble appears, and then disappears, and then appears again. 

l: im sure if i went out into the city and actually did stuff i’d like it more

Jens had chuckled, tilted his head understandingly.

j: very valid

j: it’s not the same rn bc of covid but there are still some cool places to see

He watched the bubble again. 

l: i haven’t really left my apartment since i got here :( but i do want to go places l: my friends are pressuring me to be adventurous

j: when it’s safe for people to meet up i can show you around

j: we can go on some adventures

After hitting send he paused, biting his lip, wondering if it was too… forward, straight-up, blunt. If it was too early, too soon for a let’s hang out invitation. But then Lucas responded with his little :)and it was fine. 

Jens started getting sleepy as they chatted, as Lucas told him about Utrecht and about what he did with his friends. 

l: we used to get fries a lot l: too often maybe

l: no such thing j: so we’re getting fries when we meet up it’s decided

l: a man after my own heart

j: stomach

l: oh yea

He wakes up to shifting on his bed, and his eyes open, just a bit. It’s still a little dim out, too early for him to be worried about missing a class, too early for him to be worried about sleeping through an alarm. 

It’s the first time he’s woken up in the morning without earbuds tangled around him. He sees them when he opens his eyes, a fuzzy, white, tangled mess on the edge of his bed like he placed them there (maybe he did), and a part of him says huh, seeming to forget that it’s actually possible to fall asleep without his head full of noise. 

He glances down, still too tired to really move, and sees Lotte crawling up his bed, a little blurry. He moves his arm so she can climb under it, and realises his fingers are resting on top of his phone, also dangerously close to the edge of the bed. He pulls it closer and slides it up to a safe place before lifting his arm up more, feeling Lotte’s small hands pull at his bicep until it’s in the air, and she flops down next to him, narrowly missing his face. He scoffs and pulls her close, resting his chin on her head. 

When he wakes up again it’s brighter, and there’s a jolt in his chest before he reaches up, around Lotte (the arm she’s laying on it filled with static but he’s careful not to move her), and snatches his phone, bringing it close enough to his face to read the time. There are only a few minutes before his alarm is going to go off. 

“Lotte,” he whispers, and she just nuzzles her face into Jens’s chest. “Hey.”

She groans quietly and furrows her brows, a hand coming up and curling under her chin softly. 

“Lotte, I have a class soon.” 

“I don’t wanna go,” she mumbles, moving closer, and he sighs, running a hand over her hair. 

“Will you stay quiet while I’m in class?” he asks after a second. 

“Mm-hmm.” She nods, moving closer, but Jens sits up, pushing her away, and she ends up with her head on his leg, seemingly undisturbed as Jens bends around her to pick up his laptop and set it in front of himself. She’s snoring softly by the time the video call is open, by the time Jens’s glasses are on his face, by the time the teacher’s droning voice is talking about the homework Jens did last class, still with a few minutes before class actually starts. (Chemistry. Jens suspects Mr Claes is just about as done with virtual learning as the rest of them. Classes are quick, just attendance and instruction. The minimal amount of learning Jens does in this class is through the assignments: YouTube videos and Google Forms. Modern education.) 

Jens ends up running his hand over Lotte’s hair, waiting until Mr Claes dismisses them with too much time left over like usual so he can go and make breakfast. 

As Mr Claes is talking to Mathijs (“Why didn’t you do last week’s assignment?” Jens winces in sympathy for him.), Jens’s phone buzzes, back on his bed where he had put it before Lotte crawled in and he leans back, pulling it close and looking at the notification, a text from Lucas :).

i: i have dupont first l: any advice

Jens opens the messages, skimming the ones from last night, that took up too much of the night, that are probably the reason Jens’s eyes are struggling to stay open this morning more than usual, and types a response, lifting his hand from Lotte’s head to do so.

j: never had him :/ 

Lucas responds soon after a second. 

l: ugh l: disappointing

Jens scoffs, glancing up as Claes starts discussing the day’s assignment. 

j: my apologies j: good luck

He sighs, leaning back as he waits for a response. 

“So,” Claes is saying, his voice echoey. “It’s the same as last class, just make sure to turn it in before three today.” None of the other students have their cameras on, and Claes stares blankly, waiting for a response, reminding Jens of Dora the Explorer. After a second, he gives up and says, “Okay, guys, I guess I’ll see you Tuesday.” A pause. “Or I’ll talk to you next Tuesday, I guess. Email me if you have questions.”

Jens’s phone buzzes in his lap but he ignores it long enough to lean forward and unmute himself to say, “Bye, Mr Claes.”

He shuts his laptop quietly when he leaves the meeting, setting the assignment on a to-do shelf in his brain, and lifts his phone to read the text. 

l: ok he’s just telling personal anecdotes about his cats i think he’s bored l: but i am too so what’s up

Jens smiles again, pushing his glasses up his nose and pushing his laptop away.

j: my sister is asleep on my leg and my teacher just dismissed us j: so i’m going to make breakfast or something

Jens yawns after hitting send, arching his back as he stretches and hearing it crack softly, taking care to not move his leg and bother Lotte, who’s still sleeping peacefully. One of her hands is under her chin, her fingers pressed between her face and Jens’s leg, making her cheek squish, and Jens gently brushes her hair back.

l: wait that’s so cute how old is she l: also what are you making can i have some l: also dupont just dismissed us, do you want to call bc i don’t have anything to do

Jens grins, quickly reaching up to push his glasses again (they fall when he looks down at his phone; tightening them has been on his to-do list for a while), and responding.

j: she’s eight j: eggs probably come on down j: yes i’ll call you in a minute

“Lotte,” he says softly, clicking off his phone and tossing it away. He touches the top of her head, rustling her hair gently, and she lets out a disgruntled groan, turning her face into Jens’s leg. He laughs, rustling her hair again. 

“I’m going to make breakfast, but you have to get off me first.” She doesn’t move. “Do you wanna eat?”

Her eyes open and she glares at him groggily. 

“You can stay here if you want, I just have to get up.”

“But you’re so comfy,” she says, nuzzling her face into his leg again.

“Well so are pillows and that’s what they’re actually for.”

“Ugh.” 

She finally moves, rolling off of his leg and squirming around like a fish until she finds the pillows, and she clutches the end of the blanket and she buries her face in them. 

“I’ll wake you up later.”

“Don’t,” she grumbles into the pillow, and he almost doesn’t hear her. 

Before leaving, he reaches over her, snatching his earbuds and pressing a chaste kiss to her head. 

As he makes his way to the kitchen, he struggles to plug the earbuds into his phone, lifting it closer to his face to see and bumping into the doorframe of the kitchen, wincing as his shoulder hits a sharp corner. 

He calls Lucas, hesitating for only a second to take a deep breath, as he opens the pan cabinet. 

“Hey,” he says when Lucas picks up.

“You said you’re making eggs?” Lucas says, sans greeting, and Jens startles, snorting and trying to stifle a cackle as he flips the pan in his hand and turns on the stove. His voice is different than it was during class, over the video call. It sounds... closer. Softer, even though he’s speaking with his chest more so than he did when he was in class. 

“Yes? What’s your problem with eggs?”

“I don’t have a problem, it’s just fucking gross.”

The laugh breaks through loudly as he sets the pan on the stove, leaning over the counter to grab the non-stick spray. 

“This is not a conversation I was expecting to have today— Are you vegan?” 

“No, I’m not vegan. Why, what’s your problem with vegans?” 

“I don’t have a problem with vegans.”  He spins on his heel to go to the fridge and pulls three eggs out of the carton, leaving two. He makes a mental note to get eggs next time he takes Lotte grocery shopping.

“Just like I don’t have a problem with eggs.” 

“Listen… I respect veganism.” He cracks an egg.

“Did you… Just tell me to shut up so I could hear you crack an egg?”

“I…” Jens looks at the eggshells in his hand. “That was not on purpose.”

“The amount of disrespect.”

“I just said I respect vegans!”

“And I just said I’m not vegan!”

“Oh my god…” 

Jens laughs as he drops the eggshells in the bin, turning back to twist the knob on the stove to turn down the heat.

“Anyway,” Lucas says lightly. “How are you today?”

Jens scoffs, grabbing a plate from the counter as the egg cooks.

“Fine? I’ve been awake for approximately ten minutes, so we’re going pretty good. You?”

“I’m dead inside, thanks for asking—” Jens interrupts him with a laugh— “But this class doesn’t seem too hard, so that’s nice.”

“Cool, which class is it?” 

“Biology.”

“Oh, gross. I just had chemistry.”

“Biology is better than chemistry.”

“Incorrect,” Jens says after scoffing. 

“Actually, I’m always correct.”

“I think your brain is broken.”

Lucas lets out a quiet laugh. 

“Just a little bit.”

Jens laughs, carefully shimmying the spatula under the egg to flip it.  

“What have you been up to other than classes?” He asks after a second, and there’s a slight pause before Lucas answers. 

“Just hanging out in my room, I guess. I haven’t done much.” 

“You said you’re an artist, right?”

“Uh— Yeah,” Lucas says, sounding hesitant.

“What kind of art do you do?”

“Visual,” he says. “Mostly portraits in pencil or pen, but I really like watercolour.”

“How come  you don’t have art or anything on your wall?” Jens asks as he drops the cooked egg on a plate and sprays the pan again. “One of my friends is an artist and his wall is covered.”

Lucas sighs. 

“I would, but I’m not allowed to put anything up.”

“Like your landlord won’t let you put pins or anything?” 

“No, like my dad won’t even let me use tape, it’s ridiculous.”

Jens makes a face even though Lucas can’t see him.

“That’s stupid,” he says, cracking the other two eggs and mixing them together when one of the yolks breaks. 

“He is stupid,” Lucas grumbles, and his voice has changed. It’s lower, less playful than when he picked up.

“How come you live with him?” Jens asks, something in him recognizing the result of divorced parents. Lucas doesn’t answer, though, and Jens regrets asking as he hears Lucas let out a quiet sigh. 

“We can talk about something else,” he says gently. 

“Thanks,” Lucas says softly.

“So you only do portraits?” Jens asks, changing his tone so it’s more conversational. 

“Usually, yeah.” There’s a clicking sound on Lucas’s end, sounding like the mouse of a laptop. “Every once in a while I’ll draw something else, but it’s typically faces.”

“Do you do people from real life?” Jens asks curiously. “Or do you do like… I don’t know.”

“Both,” Lucas says. “I use references and I like drawing my friends with pictures they send me, but sometimes I just… draw whatever comes to mind. Random faces and stuff.”

“I wish I could do something like that,” Jens sighs. “My sister is the artist of the family.”

“I already love your sister.” “Everyone loves my sister.”

“What do you do?” Lucas asks, and Jens shrugs, mixing the eggs around a little with the spatula. 

“Not much. Before covid I went skating with my friends, I went to parties and stuff. Now I just play video games and play guitar on occasion.”

“You play guitar?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re an artist.”

Jens scoffs, laughing lightly, but Lucas insists, “You are! Music is an art and you make music. Artist.”

“If you say so.”

“I told you I’m always right,” Lucas sighs. “Ah, shit.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Dupont actually assigned homework.”

“He’s a teacher, Lucas, that’s what they do.”

Lucas sighs again, sounding forlorn. 

“Yeah, but I was hoping he’d be easy.”

“It’s biology.” 

Lucas groans loudly, and Jens winces, laughing. 

“Go do your homework,” he says when Lucas stops. “I’m gonna wake up my sister to eat. Are you still coming by for breakfast?” 

“If I’m ever going to your place it’s not gonna be for eggs. It’ll be to hang out with your sister, because she’s probably cooler than you”

“...Wow.”

“Did that hurt your feelings?”

“Little bit.” 

“Good. Build some character.”

Jens lets out a laugh that sounds a little much like a giggle for his liking, and his face burns as he turns to pull the fridge open.

“Go do your homework,” he says as he pulls the orange juice out.  (Lotte’s favourite. She would drink it like water if Jens let her.) 

“I don’t wanna….” Lucas whines. 

“My hands are full, you have to be the one to hang up,” Jens says, lifting a plate and trying carefully not to drop the juice. 

“Are you already tired of me?” Lucas asks, and Jens can hear him stifling a laugh.

“I’ve known you for less than twenty-four hours.”

“And yet…” Lucas sighs forlornly. “I’ll let you go, I guess.” 

“Text me later.” 

“Will do. Bye-bye-e-e.”

Jens sets the other plate on the table just as Lucas hangs up, and he stops, his eyes stuck on the table in front of him. Lucas’s voice is still rattling in his head, a stark difference from the sudden silence of the flat. He sounded like he could be in the same room, right next to Jens, teasing him and laughing with him like they’ve known each other for years. Jens briefly wonders if this is how Robbe felt when he met Sander, but he shakes his head, dismissing the thought. 

---

Jens twists his back, popping it, and winces in the bright sunlight streaming through his window that falls on his face. 

“And I want you all to get some fresh air today too,” Ms Peeters is saying. Her hair is tied up today. Jens has never seen her with her hair tied up. He’s reminded that she does have ears, even though they’re typically covered by her curls. “Take a walk or open a window. It’s nice out today.” “My window is stuck closed,” someone says after a second, the bubble with his initial in it moving as he speaks. Ms Peeters opens her mouth to say something before another student, Liam, interrupts, “Smash it.”

“No, I don’t recommend that,” Ms Peeters says, and Jens hears Liam’s snicker echoing in his speakers. Liam makes similar comments in class. 

Jens laughs, glancing down to the little box with Lucas’s face in it and feeling a little rush at Lucas’s grin. 

“Okay, anyway,” Ms Peeters says, and it takes a second for Jens to look back at her. “Matthew, don’t do that please. And if you do, I had nothing to do with it, I don’t want a phonecall from your parents. Anyway, you all remember what I said about a project, right?”

Almost every student throws their head back, rolling their eyes, and Jens sighs deeply, mentally adding the unexplained work to his to-do list. 

“Well, you’ll be happy, because you can really do whatever you want.”

“Does that mean I can do nothing?” Liam asks, and Jens wonders if he leaves his microphone on just so he can cut in easily. 

“Liam, I will fail you,” she dismissed him. “That means you can do an essay, a powerpoint, a poster, whatever. If we were still in person, I’d want you and your partner to present it to the rest of the class, but I won’t make you do that.

“Your assignment is to read a book. A classic,” she clarifies. “And to complete something, powerpoint, essay, whatever.” “Are you assigning partners?” Ella asks after a second, and Jens finds himself glancing at Lucas's box again. 

“No, you guys can pick partners yourself. No more than three to a book, and you can all probably find the books online as PDFs.” She pauses, her eyes scanning her screen. “Any more questions?”

“Uhm,” Ella says, looking hesitant. “When is this due?”

Ms Peeters sighs, looking away from her computer. 

“I don’t know yet. We’ll see. Probably not for a while, I know you’re all busy with your other classes and, you know, the pandemic. Don’t put it off though,” she adds. “I don’t want you to skim your book and throw something together the night before it’s due. I want to see effort.”

“Also--”

“Ella, stop asking questions,” Liam interrupts, and Jens decides that he definitely leaves his microphone on just to be able to annoy people better. He wonders if he does it in any of his other classes. Maybe not. None of Jens’s other teachers are as patient as Ms Peeters. 

“Someone has to,” Ella retorts. “Are we still doing poetry?” 

“Yeah, we’re going to do poetry in class and your project you’ll have to do on your own time.”

“Okay.”

“Any more questions? Comments, concerns? Debates, disputes, dilemmas?” Ms Peeters asks, her trademark end-of-class questions. “No?” 

Jens shakes his head, because he knows she can see him. 

“Okay, well I want you guys to enjoy today, so you’re free to go. Pick your partners and book and email me so I can keep track. Cool?”

Jens’s phone buzzes not five seconds after he leaves the meeting. (Ms Peeters always leaves last. He doesn’t know why, but he suspects it’s in case anyone wants to stay after and talk. She seems like that kind of person.) He shuts his laptop, leaning over his bed and pulling his phone up.

l: partners? I might already have a book

Jens grins, immediately typing a response. 

j: yea for sure j: what book do you have?

He lays back on his pillows as he waits for a response, pushing one of them under his head until it’s comfortable. 

l: the great gatsby? She never said it had to be a belgian classic

Jens scoffs, shaking his head. 

j: You’re turning into Liam  j: but sure whats she gonna do, make us start over?

l: I can send her an email and ask but i’m pretty sure shes gonna say sure

j: sounds good

Lucas responds with his signature smiley face, and Jens smiles at his phone before adding, 

j: i should warn you that youre making a mistake picking me as your partner though j: im not a reade

After hitting send he tosses the phone across the bed, stretching his back again and looking out his window. From his room he can see the buildings across the street. The windows are all shiny, reflecting the sunlight brightly, like the sun is inside the building itself, burning everything up except the structure and glass. Jens tosses his blanket aside, stretching his legs out and sighing before spinning to sit on the edge of his bed. His eyes drift shut as he sits there, supporting himself with his hands by his legs, digging into the mattress. 

It’s quiet, but he can hear Lotte’s TV show come through the walls and his door. The volume is low, per his instructions, and it’s just a gentle, inaudible hum. It makes him think of the music he’d be able to hear through the bathroom door at parties. 

His phone vibrates behind him and he reaches back to get it as he stands, opening his door. 

l: not to worry i like reading l: and ive read the great gatsby several times already

what are we gonna do our project on, though? Jens types, making his way down the hall, doing his best not to walk into the wall or door frame of the living room. like a powerpoint or an essay or??

l: powerpoint sounds easiest l: we can do like just a summary of it l: or analyze gatsby or something

j: whatever gets us a passing grade

l: got it

“Are you done with class?” Lotte asks, looking up at him with a cereal bowl under her face. She’s cross-legged on the floor in front of the television. 

“I’m done with that class,” he says, flopping onto the sofa. “My teacher let us out early so we can enjoy the weather.” 

“Are we gonna go on a walk?” she asks excitedly, spinning around on the floor, nearly spilling milk on the carpet. Jens raises an eyebrow at her. 

“We can if you finish eating first. And if you get dressed,” he adds, glancing at her pink pyjamas.

She eats her cereal as quickly as she can (Jens tells her not to choke on it.) before rushing off her to her room to change. Jens doesn’t bother changing out of the sweatpants and t-shirt he slept in. While she’s gone, no doubt wrecking her room by throwing clothes everywhere, Lucas texts again. 

l: I found my copy of it l: you should be able to find a pdf online but worst case scenario i read it to you over skype or something

Jens smiles. 

j: yea that could work

Lucas responds with another smiley, and Jens thinks about it. 

He supposes he could do something while Lucas reads it, take notes or work on the powerpoint. But part of him (most of him) wants to just listen. Lucas’s voice sounded different over the phone than it did during class. Jens wonders if it’ll sound different when it’s just the two of them.

Just the two of them.

Jens’s stomach flips over. 

He grabs a granola bar before he and Lotte leave.

---

He doesn’t bother putting in the effort to finding the PDF of the Great Gatsby online after Lucas says it’s a go. (Ms Peeters is indifferent. She says she just wants them reading.)

“Hey,” Lucas says when he appears on Jens’s screen, and Jens was right. He does sound different. He also, apparently, has freckles scattered across his nose, and a mole just above his lip that Jens can’t see when Lucas is stuck in a box as small as the one in class. After a brief pause, Jens turns up the volume a little on his laptop, adjusting his headphones as he sits back.

“Hey.”

“So. Storytime?” Lucas holds up the book, smiling. It’s dim in his room, like Jens’s, the setting sun making stripes on his wall glow orange.

“Yeah,” Jens says brightly, sliding down so he’s propped up on his pillows. (A stack of three. His mom hates it, but it works for him.) “Do you want me to take notes or something?” He has a notebook and pen next to him already.

“You can if you hear anything worth noting,” Lucas says, shrugging. “I already have a ton of annotations in here, so I wouldn’t worry.” 

“Okay.” Jens leaves his laptop propped up on his legs and crosses his arms over his chest, burying his chin in his elbow. 

“Okay,” Lucas says, smiling as he looks at Jens. There’s a long pause before he inhales sharply, looking away and opening the book. Jens’s face feels hot. “Okay. I’m skipping the preface because it’s like w quarter of the book and kind of unnecessary.”

“Do you have notes in that section too?” Jens says, and it’s meant to be a tease, but Lucas says, “Yeah,” and Jens snorts. 

“It’s a good book, you asshole,” Lucas retorts, grinning. 

“Proceed,” Jens says, gesturing politely with his hand. 

“Dick,” Lucas mutters, and Jens snickers as Lucas opens and flips through the book. 

“Okay. Ready?”

“Mm-hmm.” 

“In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice…”

Lucas’s voice shifts slightly when he reads. It’s lower, less him and more… Nick, Jens supposes. He can’t tell if Lucas is doing it on purpose. He doesn’t think he is. He reads a little quickly, but not so quickly that Jens can’t understand him. 

Lucas reads.

And reads. 

And reads. 

Jens can tell Lucas loves the book. 

He barely even looks up (which means Jens doesn’t feel embarrassed about how much he’s just staring at him (although to be fair he doesn’t have many other staring options)), completely engrossed in it, subtly shifting the octaves of his voice for the voices of  Jordan and Catherine and Myrtle. Jens finds himself smiling. 

The only time Lucas breaks character is to say, “This is my favourite line.” 

“Tell me,” Jens says softly, almost holding his breath to hear it. 

“Yet high over the city our line of yellow windows must have contributed their share of human secrecy to the casual watcher in the darkening streets, and I saw him too, looking up and wondering.” He pauses, taking a breath. “I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.” 

Lucas looks up, a small smile painting his face, and he looks almost proud. 

“Wow,” Jens whispers. “Do you have that highlighted?” 

“Underlined.” 

Jens hums. 

“Are you gonna fall asleep on me?” 

He hums again, moving his arms out of the way and rolling his head. 

“I’m sleepy but not like falling asleep, you know?”

 “Mm-hmm. We can finish this chapter; it’s only two more pages.” 

“How many chapters are there?” Jens asks, and he watches as Lucas flips through the book.

“Nine,” Lucas says after finding it. “And we have time, so…” 

“Yeah.” 

“Myrtle pulled her chair close to mine…”

When the chapter is finished, it’s dark out, and Lucas closes the book dramatically and sets it to his side with a flourish. 

“To be continued,” he says. 

“Spooky.”

“You’re falling asleep,” Lucas says, looking at him skeptically, cocking his head and smiling. 

“...Yeah.”

“Didn’t know my reading voice was so soothing.”

“Oh, so soothing. You should do stuff for the Calm app.”

“‘Stuff.’ Very specific.”

“I just said I’m falling asleep, and you expect me to be articulate?”

“Well I never expect you to be articulate.”

“Oof…” Jens winces, looking away from the computer as Lucas says, “Hah hah.”

“You’re too quick for me,” Jens says, sitting up slightly and pushing his laptop away. Lucas raises an eyebrow. There’s a curl that’s fallen in his face, and for a second, Jens wishes he could push it away. “I’m gonna have to kill you. I can’t have any competition.”

“Social distancing,” Lucas says, holding up a finger. “Murder responsibly.”

“Of course. Always.”

“Okay, got to bed, Jens. You look like you’re about to pass out.” 

Jens groans, shutting his eyes for a second, ignoring the strange flutter in his stomach.

“It’s only like ten.”

“Yeah, that’s bedtime by normal people standards.”

“Ugh. Fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

When they hang up, Jens finds himself smiling. 

Again. 

He lifts his eyes from his blank laptop screen after some time (he doesn’t know how long, and he can’t be bothered to look), and shakes his head.

[muhgie]

post op day 2

this morning i woke up in a lot more pain than yesterday but the meds are helping. p much all i did today was ice my face, lay in bed and watch tik toks and trailer park boys lol

the norco makes me so sleepy, i took a 4 hr nap today and im already ready to go back 2 sleep rn. i’m happy to be getting a lot of rest tho, its kinda refreshing

ive been doing saline rinses all day. ngl i am v v worried abt getting dry socket, but im assuming the blood clots are gonna be alright if i can get thru the next couple of days. im finding myself constantly thirsty tho bc of the salt

i called off work for tomorrow, so now i only work saturday. which kinda stinks, but i’ll be ok. i forgot to return a txtbook rental from last semester and they just hit me with an $80 late fee, so RIP my bank account lol. but i get paid tomorrow night so everything should b kosher

i ate mac n cheese sporadically throughout the day despite my low appetite, and marc got me some egg drop soup when he got home. it was sooo good. i had some ice cream as well. i also have leftover mashed potatoes for tomorrow. i’m kind of okay with the whole soft foods diet for now lol (im planning on getting rangoons from panda as soon as i’m healed tho hehehe)

[bernthalized]

ok petition for jon to be in a super cliche nic sparks' esque movie ➡️ enter you, who decided to move to a sleepy town because ur trying to escape ur past (of what? idk man 😑🤔🏃‍♀️), its a small town people notice then enter mr bernthal, our sheriff 😳 hes like hey :) ur new huh? OK AND THEN idk fast forward u have a job in a bakery i guess or a cafe OH OR ARE YOU A KINDERGARDEN TEACHER THATS SUPER CUTE! 🥺💖 and then u see the sheriff in town often and then u get close ?? a date? maybe? A KISS? maybe some 🔥 seggsy times 🔥

but then SIKE THE THIRD ACT HAPPENS *insert some crisis idk maybe ur past caught up 2 u MAYBE A DRAMATIC CAR ACCIDENT? ur in the hospital? and THE SHERIFF IS UR EMERGENCY CONTACT idk man* and he visits u and ur like omg dont cry im ok 👍🏻🥺💖 and then love proclamation idk man AND THEN ENDING!! but the ending should b vague like no cliche weddings just show them b happy or sumn. THE END~

also my petition for this: jon should have the season 1 tp frank (or s2 dd hair) that short buzzcut esque? HOT! aviators please.. also i dont mind some hairy arms action ok DONE @ HOLLYWOOD !!!!

ok sorry for the long ask miss bernthalized as u can see i have WAY TOO MUCH ⌚️ time ⌚️ on my hands.. ok its late here im gonna sleep bye2! 😳🥺💖💓💗😗😗😗😗 *smooch*

Oh plot nice plot but there's no place for a plot in my head rn only for "seggsy things" eeeeeeEEEEE I look at this man and just-----------🤐😏🤫🤯🥵 I wouldn't even ask his name (I googled tho and wiki says it's Harrison idk if it's true). Goodnight Pink Nonny 🌌

[chimcharstar]

I ASK EVERYTHING FROM ANGEL TO WOBBLY

COMING RIGHT UP

♡ cute asks ♡

angel; do you have a nickname?

G!

awe; how old are you?

21

baby; favorite color?

purple

bloop; spirit animal?

i know what youre trying to do bug

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

my favourite movie today is always be my maybe. do yourself a favor and watch keanu reeves act his heart out

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

lucky, a little white tiger. i still have her.

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

maybe my mom making me tea or something. ow ow nostalgia

bright; mermaids or fairies?

fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

YEAH

buttercup; showers or baths?

showers

butterfly; dream destination?

maybe ... the countryside, but one i havent been to before?

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

yes, very. while feeling at war with it all the time cause of the gay angst. but lbr. i prayed for some coffee and i got some. i also pray when some real shit is happening. its just my nature. i have a very strong intuition when im not panicking. TOO BAD MY PARENTS DISHED OUT TONS OF SPIRITUAL ABUSE I CANT REALLY HEAL FROM

calm; favorite scent?

this candle that has vanilla in it. i like the smell of vanilla because it smells sweet and im like. !!!! kindness!!!

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i dreamed my siblings were all bickering and blaming each other endlessly and saying cruel things, and i was trying to tell them to stop but my voice was hoarse and no one could hear me. the voice part makes more sense when you consider i lost my voice talking lots at the Job and ive been Way too worried about it and its also a Passing thing

charming; have you ever been in love?

yes... overrated

cozy; eye/hair color?

red hair green eyes

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the afternoon when i can take a walk with some coffee and music or, faceplant on my bed and fall asleep on the spot and then wake up feeling very well napped

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

i really like bonsais. or ... whatever type of bonsai i keep buying. they grow fast so you can notice their progress, they can survive bad mental health weeks, and you can shape them, they kind of grow with you

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

i .... forget a lot. i forget these kinds of things. i hope it doesnt mean it didnt matter to me. i remember being really lonely on my last birthday and pretending not to be and then crying to my diary that no one is allowed to read

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

any bonsai, any jacket, thats my soul. or my phone lol

cutsie; what makes you happy?

people saying small nice things

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

just the other day when i was starting to play stardew valley again and i had some tea i think... 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

i want to have been Known as more than just shy and polite

daylight; favorite album of all time?

idk of all time, but say you will by fleetwood mac FUCKS, i will destroy my ears on public transit with that

dear; zodiac sign?

sagittarius

delightful; concerts or museums?

?????? N/A unfortunately

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes, i have written all sorts of letters, not snail mail but yknow... that is my jam. i have used it for good and evil

dobby; dream job?

writer of , books or screenplays or something

doll; how do you like to dress?

behold my array of gay jackets. hoods... gay layers... with some flowers. i have some shit with flowers on it. an old man complimented me on a train once. because im amazing

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

my roommates say theres a ghost dude downstairs but ive never seen him. not really actually.

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

no, and ive thought about a tattoo but im like... i cant imagine picking a decoration and then being satisfied with it for the rest of my life, and being so... open like that, i change my mind and worry too much...

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

yes bitch. theres water on mars im sitting here patiently

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

the demigirl reading this

fairy; do you have a pet?

no :(

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

mountain... no ocean.. im feeling ocean

forever; where do you feel time stop?

i havent felt like that in a looong time. maybe this one place with streams, when its raining really heavily and everythings Gushing

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

i have kept... 5 bonsais alive for a while.

garden; how many languages do you know?

one. with some rocky french that makes me ACTUALLY want to learn french, and then frustratingly be on the brink of speaking french

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

i cant find the name right now but they make this pixel art and put sentences that are kinda so gentle and pining... i love it

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

homemade coffee in a messy kitchen with some sun coming in, youre kind of sleepy

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

yes!!! i wanna talk!!!!!

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

ok... i know how to be Respectful, im a strong person, im good with self-expression, i like my voice... AND IM CUTE

heart; silk or lace?

silk

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

coffee, so much sugar and a bit of scream.

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

BIRD WATCHING. because watching people can get awkward real fast, and birds dont give a fuck. birds are fat little boys jumpin around. they dont worry about their jobs. i respect that. 

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

Harmonious People Noises. i dont actually listen to sounds going to sleep when maybe i should. because of how i grew up im fine listening to music or people playing instruments falling asleep, even with the light on

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

that part of autumn where its colourful and not too cold not too hot, and sun everywhere

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

i do stuff like take walks and do a few errands and water plants... and just chill and enjoy not having pressing stuff to do. 

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i am a serious giggler but i recently got a booming laugh, or it sounds like that to me

kinky; do you blush easily?

no. apparently not. but sometimes i feel my face heat up and then im really, really counting on it that that doesnt mean im blushing because its at the worst possible times to blush

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

SOULMATE... SOMEONE I DONT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO...

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

i feel like i already answered this but ill pick a different time. evening is nice because im a night owl and i focus better and i can relax and do whatever

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

fleetwood mac and bLAST it on public transit

love; what is your favorite season and why?

autumn, because pretty, haloween

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

i dont know about macaron but that cookie dough ice cream is some good

magic; what are five flaws you have?

overthinking, clinging to comfort zone, procrastinating, isolating, either i dont stand up for myself or i do it too harshly

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

they all sound so lovely im feeling warm neutrals rn

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

emotional labour, similar energy level

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

I JUST WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE and there has to be food

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

doing THIS... all my free time... is basically by myself

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

you dont have to be useful to be valuable. you deserve love just because you exist, and even if you feel strongly that everything sucks, that could be your comfort zone talking. im having a mental health week

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook. id bake but then i eat stuff that doesnt make my stomach as happy

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

oh its GORGEOUS. i have been practising my handwriting in my Diary for Months.

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

yes, piano mostly... ive been feeling Urges to play guitar lately that have surprised me

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

doing something restful/mentally restoring like taking a break or talking calming things to myself

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

LOVE THAT ZUCCHINI...F RY THAT BITCH WITH GARLIC AND ONION...

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

i have not read a book

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

realizing im trans

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

ill think of a nice one, moving away from my parents, theres been so much healing

shine; art or music?

MUSIC

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

yes

smitten; do you collect anything?

bonsais?? 

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

one

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

chocolate, any,

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

phone camera, ithas all these cool filters and things it can do, it says my plants are food

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

occasionally. its mostly the black tourmaline bracelet

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset, that is the beautifulest

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

with headphones. i just ... maybe this is a growing up thing but i cant imagine Taking Up Space playing my music out loud... then other people can judge my music choice... theyd Know things about me... 

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

save ums. i have this answer ready to go. that is because after five i stopped having a tv

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

my rooooooommmmmmmmmm my BED

soothe; digital or vinyl?

digital? what is this about?

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

my sister. she always says i never hang out but ... she doesnt seem interested in things i actually like... she tries and she cares but...

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyal, honest

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

practical, i just cant focus on aesthetic because then i get way too picky with eeeverything

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

NO, unless i am on tumblr where there are no Laws. or it depends on how easy the person is to talk to.

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

yes, yes but NOT RIGHT NOW, i think kids are really Good, theyre simple and honest

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

i look up to the Bosses at my work, i mean they seem like they try really hard and do a good job and they have to lead everyone else too i respect that

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

the emotional intelligence dial. it is maybe too far. but im realizing that isnt so common.

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

i hope, at least the kind i would want. probably very energetic, with negative or positive stuff

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

another person at work called me by my last name. i find this funny because 1) it sounds funny to just shout 2) why are they all so fascinated with it .... yknow its because they wanted it to see if it was ramsay. did they seriously think. bunch of cooking nerds. is this their new power move.

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

niGHT OWL

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

shapeshifting

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home, but i would enjoy going out with the right people i think. which has never happened.

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

no

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

tidy

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

yes, and no. my heart is set on being Out in the Nature though. i dont know if i can really really go back to where i grew up. theres so many complicated and painful feelings around it, and im not really welcome. 3

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

yes, i wish on all kinds of stuff all the time

[saintkimora]

ok here is how my dates went yesterday and the other day. the one from the other day was REALLY bad but the one yesterday was good

ok so first ill start w the one from wednesday. so caleb was supposed to come over and hang out but he called me to change the plans at the last minute so i had to rush to get ready bc he had some things to do tonight and wanted me to come along. so i was like ok. so he picked me up and first he had to go back to the job he just left (the supermarket one) bc he forgot something there. so i went and he had me go in w him and i had to meet 2 of his coworker friends. then he had to go to his waffle job to make waffles and he said it would be like 30 min max so i was just waiting in the car. it turned out to be like an hour instead. then at one point he made me come in bc he said his boss wanted to meet me so i had to meet her too. he got me a waffle and wrote “Perry <3″ on the box (an actual heart though not the sideways one) which was cute but like they dont use utensils at that store apparently so i had to wait bc i wasnt about to eat that waffle with my hands and get all sticky

then after that he decided to pick up his best friend leann. so she got in and she was v nice. then we had to go to his waffle job friend natures house bc she was in a car accident so he was checking on her and giving her some waffles. so i met nature and her friend who was taking care of her. there were 2 couches so nature and her friend sat on one and caleb sat on the other. there was a giant teddy bear on that couch so i had nowhere to sit but nature was like “just move the teddy bear” but then caleb was like no and made me sit on his lap which was soooooooooooooooooooo awkward i was just sitting on his lap while he was talking to his friend

then we left and got back in the car and caleb decided we should go to applebees bc of course he just had to add food in to the situation too. the convos in the car were mostly bw him and leann bc i wasnt being very talkative obv. so then we got to applebees and this is where the real trouble started. sitting down and eating with a complete stranger is just...a no from me. it was sooooooo awkward and uncomfortable bc i like completely shut down i was barely saying anything i only ever said like one word answers if someone directly asked me a question. i didnt order anything bc i just had dinner like 2 hours ago but even if i didnt i was not about to eat in that setting. and i felt sooooooooooo bad bc caleb was trying so hard to make conversation and pull me into the discussions but i just could not do it. i wanted it to be over so bad

so then we left and dropped leann off at her home and then caleb was driving me home. and i was being super quiet and distant and he kept asking me if i was ok and i was like yeah im fine and i was like shifting my body to face away from him and i was just staring out the window whereas usually when im with him in the car im looking at him and talking to him. so we were like a few blocks away from my house and he asked me if i was ok again and i was like im fine which was super unconvincing bc my voice was like quivering and i was like blinking back tears at this point. so i was like actually can you pull over for a second bc i want to talk to you about something. this is where the drama REALLY started. 

so. i like apologized for not being very sociable tonight and i felt like i let him down and i started crying bc i thought i like ruined our relationship and i was afraid i was gonna lose him after not even a week and i was just so upset and disappointed with myself. so ya i was like breaking down and sharing all my feelings w him and he was like comforting and reassuring me which was nice and he told me if my anxiety is acting up like that again i can just text him or something and he’ll get me out of the situation. and he apologized bc he is v social so he didnt know that like all of this stuff was so draining for me. and then we hugged and it was like the best hug ever since it was so like emotionally charged on my part.

so then he pulled up in front of my house and he was like “you know its not that late, you dont have to go home” which was nice enough but also kinda stupid bc like hello the last thing i want rn is to go out to some other public place. but i asked him if he could come in and stay with me for a little while so he was like sure. so he came in and he just like cuddled me and comforted me and stuff for like an hour and a half. it was v nice. then when i was walking him back to his car i thanked him again for being so nice and understanding and stuff and then he left. so obv the majority of the date was awful but from the point of my breakdown in the car to the end it was v nice, esp since ive never even like talked to anyone that much about my anxiety except for my therapist. and like obv i wasnt happy at the point when i was crying bc i was so upset but at the same time it actually felt kinda good bc being completely open and honest about my feelings was v liberating. then after he left i was happy and i ate the waffle he gave me and it was p good but i like almost started crying again when i was looking at the “Perry <3″ on the box bc i was getting emotional but i had to stop myself bc i did not want to ruin my good mood

so that was on wednesday. then on thursday he was supposed to come over again but instead he picked me up and first he had to drop off waffles for his brother and niece (i stayed in the car this time though). then we were driving around trying to figure out what to do which was difficult bc i am not a decisive person at all. eventually he decided to go to applebees (it was a different one though). so we ate there but it was just the two of us this time and it was way easier for me obv. he was being super cute as usual and i was actually able to talk to him this time. and it was my first time actually going out for a date that like wasnt at me or the other guys house so that was fun. and since it was applebees again i felt like the date had like a redemption aspect to it. 

then after the date we went back to my house and were just laying around cuddling again but this time he fell asleep. he was sleeping on me for like 4 and a half hours while i was watching tv. i actually enjoyed it a lot bc i loved having him sleep on me and he woke up a few times and seeing him all like sleepy and stuff was so cute.and i got to play with his hair a lot too. he left at like 4:30am so yeah this was a much more successful date than yesterday

it wasnt all good though. first of all even though i wasnt having difficulty talking to him for anxiety reasons i could tell i was still lacking in the personality department as usual. so i was starting to feel bad about that bc like i just cant be the sociable big personality boyfriend that he wants me to be so that was making me sad. the other bad thing was that before we got there he was like “hey can we pick up leann so she can be with us too?” i was like “absolutely not” like are you SERIOUS???? did you not learn anything from last night????????? its not like trying again one day later is gonna make any difference! i thought he was joking at first i could not believe it. so yeah those were the 2 bad things from an otherwise great night

[zhouwerthoughts]

the finalest final of finals

1/23/17

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” 

~Barack Obama

wooooo its over friends

I should write longer posts so ill start now since that stuff is less hectic

Well, finals are over now and it’s time for me to look back on my failure as a student and try to improve ya feel

1st Hour: stats - Got an 88 this semester, I did all my homework legitimate and studied a bit. However, First hour always somehow became my designated sleep hour, meaning I missed many a lecture and its worth of notes. For next semester, I’ll make sure to do all the extra credit practice quizzes early to avoid risk of getting cut off by the deadline, sleep more, and prepare better because its actually a pretty hard class for me

2nd Hour: orch - nothing much to say here easy 100 fun times and pieces are cool. I guess ill talk about our upcoming concert as well right now. The pop pieces we’re playing are... to be honest, kind of underwhelming, but I guess I can’t fairly judge until we play with ezme. Verdi is so much fun, but still not as fun as Tchaikovsky XD. Mahler... I wish I was more mature and patient to fully enjoy it, as it really is a beautiful piece, I’m just a bit too jumpy to stay focused while playing it :P

ok im getting intensely drowsy so if this turns weird dont blame me im weird

3rd hour: french - 89.5, barely got an a so this was absolutely horrid lol like wtf did i do first quarter and that final was horiblye hard like ok rip maybe i didn’t study enough next semester goals sleep more cuz im always sleepy there too but tbh when am innot slepe tho gawd what is wrong with me rn o well lets keep going also do more ec cuz that stuff wouldvemade this a bit less close

4th hourL debate -  got some version of a B. welp that was just tragically hundreds of times harder than i thoguht it was gonan be welp next semester english gotta make sur ei scure this one friends

ok i need some water before i begin but for the lols probs not going to correct the disaster that is the lst two paragraphs and eakvsfbdgrhtegr[wfe

im back yo

5th Hour: Ap Econ - ended up with an A,  and managed to rush the final to study apchem and still get a B on it so overall in econ maybe read a bit more so i have more reading space but like not much a problem

6th Hour: AP Chem - This one is a toughie. Barely got a B this semester, looking to try for an A next. I need to improve my labs, as my average on those are horrid. Reading quizzes i average above a 2, but then tests tho I really need to step up, definitely need to do quiz reviews and practice tests days in advance so that i can thoroughly practice and learn how to do each individual concept.

school in general is quite the menial, yet sometimes interesting experience. My average day feels pretty solitary, even though i do get to talk to friends and when i do its awesome lol. Every morning starts with me waking up way too late, rushing to get ready, and then fast walking my way down to stats all the way from the orch hallway, barely making it there a majority of the time. stats is kinda boring and sleep time. Orchestra is a fun time, although I struggle greatly with a periodically faulty stomach that just loves to butt in on the one class I can least easily go to the restroom. goddamit. French is like secondary sleepy time but i really dont like having to sleep in french for some reason. debate is now over, but it was pretty fun i guess when it lasted and i seriously learned and grew a lot as a person. Funnily tense of an atmosphere it was, with all the differing points of view, but that’s what makes it great. Econ is chill, aldinger is hilarious and yeah whatever politically we have differences but as long as he teaches econ correctly its whatever. Spencer, caroleen, muyang, ditty, ethan make econ fun too our cluster of 6. And apchem lol vedaant michael those monkeys i love em.

fiddlers is quite fun actually. It makes me really happy and some of those songs are quite nice and while i play them i think and feel and its nice.

gotta organize february mmm sigh had to cancel this month and it was a good idea to do so way too fricking busy.

sectionals tomorrow so tiring but we need it but im hoping to sleep early today so i should be able to handle it.

sometimes I feel like a burden/annoyance to people around me and i really don’t want to be that but i feel like nobody would tell me that to my face

How am I feeling? I honestly dunno. I feel heavy, both physically and emotionally. Confused mentally, currently satisfied. There are many questions my mind and heart want answered, but my belief in trust overrides my curiosity for answers where I may end up regretting knowing.

I’m going to make an effort to be kinder and happier towards everyone I know, hopefully not coming across as fake along the way. When someone is friendly and smiling to me, it feels good, so hopefully I can do the same for others. I know some people will claim I’m already pretty nice but I don’t think so, im still randomly not at some times which makes me hate myself but thats whatever. I don’t think there’s that much of a limit to how much is enough kindness, everyone deserves as much as they can get.