#also my boy is just crying every day and it's heartbreaking like he can't even string a sentence together he's quite clearly autistic

[adamsrcnan]

OKAY OKAY here we goooo an annoyingly long-ish post about all my thoughts on The Sunshine Court

Spoilers Spoilers Spoilersss you've been warned

First things first it is so interesting to see Nora writing from not one but TWO new people's perspective. Jean's perspective is just devastating being inside his head is heartbreaking the constant fear and panic and how much of his energy is used on just pushing down every memory of what was done to him. His coping mechanisms are terrifying and i truly do hope by the end of book 2 he has a healthier way of dealing with it bc baby boy stop hurting yourself :( Every sentence was so painful to read. But also his resilience the entire time to get through it no matter what, god i fucking love him!!! He is a fighter.

Jeremy's perspective is sooooo refreshing. He is such a little sweetheart i could cry. The fact that he sends hand written letters and he's so caring and genuine but he can also be so stern. When he dropped that "i asked you a question" to Lucas fkehdjdfjdh OK SIR. I'M SAT. His relationship with the family butler is so endearing as well i need more background on that for sure! My only one criticism is that he didn't have enough pov chapters and i'm hoping we'll learn more in the second book of course because there's still so much about him and his (dysfunctional? toxic?) family dynamic that we don't know yet but also i'm greedy and i wanna know EVEYTHING about him !!!

Kevin and Jean are so just tragic it actually breaks my fucking heart like "you didn't have to slit my throat on the way out" JEAN??? and "promise me you won't try again. I can't lose you." KEVIN??? And the fact that Jean to this day is still keeping that promise. Also Jean's obvious but secret long term crush on Kevin the way it's subtly dropped every time Jean has to stamp down on his desire's and "temptations" GOD PLEASE I CAN'T STAND IT

SPEAKING OF!!! BISEXUAL JEAN ??? BI JEAN??? BI JEANNNN !!!!

Neil and Jean oh my God like where do i even start?? The guilt Jean feels at what happened to Neil in the Nest and him finally calling him by his name after Riko's death and telling him his game was good. And Neil seriously needs to give himself more credit for how much of a caring person he is because the way he indirectly told Jean that he thinks he is worth saving and didn't even hesitate before asking Stuart to send someone after That Guy after what Jean told him. Neil Josten the man that you are!!!

Jean's little sister Elodie what a beautiful name. Them being so close and him reading to her. The way he found out about her death jolted me differently. It was so awful and i'm so sorry Jean didn't get to see her grow up and meet her again.

Renee and Jean oh my god. Jean thinking she's beautiful (bitch me toooo) And the whole right person wrong time ugh i can't stand it. Him wearing her necklace all the time, enough that Jeremy always notices it. And unabashedly stealing her picture from the foxes lounge. Like he did not give a fuck. He said this one is mine. One good reason to stay alive being rainbows i'm gonna FKSJSKDHDH. Theirs would be such a soft love.

Speaking of soft loves Laila and Cat are EVERYTHINGGGG. God they are so cute with their little domestic life and their rich gay boy son who crashes on their couch with his cardboard cut out dog. That whole friendship dynamic is beautiful. Their fierce protectiveness and care over Jean as well and the patience they have with him even after the little kitchen incident. When Cat took Jean out for a drive on her motorcycle god that was such a heart warming moment and Jean helping them cook as well and becoming the girls' little sous chef it's so cute so endearing !!!

FINALLY FINALLY THE JEREJEAN DYNAMIC

PLEASE I'M GONNA SCREAM

Jeremy being the one who told Jean that Riko was dead i don't even know what to begin with THAT like hhhhhhh. The way they're both stupidly attracted to each other but won't/can't do anything about it. THE WHOLE "say yes Jeremy" SCENE WTF WAS THATTT I WAS GOING INSANEEEE. Both of them having to stop mid sentence when they catch the other looking FINE as hell. Jean being so obvious that even Lucas picks up on the way he looks at Jeremy. Jeremy being there to ground Jean in a Moment and helping him come down from it. Grabbing his face and telling him he's okay. Moving into the room with him to make him feel more comfortable !! The way Jean grabs Jeremy's chin (boiiiii). Jeremy constantly reminding Jean that he is NOT A RAVEN ANYMORE no matter how many times he has to say it. Jeremy saying he'll wait as long as it takes until Jean speaks to him. JEREMY GIVING HIM A HUG AND JEAN CLUTCHING DESPERATELY TO HIS SHIRT FUUCUFHDHSJHSSUHDH and then the "will you help me?" And the "Anything you need" AND THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE A CERAMICS CLASS TOGETHER?!?!?!!!! i can't i can't i can't i caaan'ttt

There's so much more to say but i'm gonna leave it at this for now because i need to go re-read it again and take my time with it this time round but i really could not have asked for anything better Nora truly outdid herself here !!! I'm forever grateful she blessed us with this after so long.

[yikesmary]

i just can't forget about bets shua singing 2 minus 1 in his entire soul like he's been on divorce, failed relationship, heartbreak, and fighting for his child's custody like i badly want a fic about ittt vv bro still in love with yn tho (I've been searching for a perfect writer who may be the best on writing these kind of fics and I thought about uuuu)

CLOCKWORK — joshua hong x reader

summary: where it wasn’t supposed to be like this. but it did.

notes: anon why’d you have to make a request so enticing to write ;-;. this was so sad for me to write IM CRYING. also please give feedback?? this is the first time in awhile i’ve written angst so i might be a little rusty.

anon i’m sorry if i interpreted the request wrong but i hope i did it correctly 🤞

warnings: ANGST. there’s no comfort, only angst. everyone loses in this. mentions of your child, but he doesn’t make an appearance.

join my taglist!

You knew that you had to divorce Joshua the minute when you looked at him and all you felt was emptiness. Unlike the utter love and devotion you felt for him in the beginning of your relationship, you felt… nothing.

It started with the mini arguments that ended in both of you guys apologizing. Then it escalated; fights that would last for a couple of days to full on screaming matches where you’d both yell until neither of you had the energy or voice to anymore.

Looking back, neither of you were at fault. You two just happened to be not compatible with each other.

But that didn’t mean you stopped trying. Because you tried.

It just didn’t work.

And even with a child, a precious little boy named Siwoo, it seemed like nothing could work.

And you realized this in the midst of a fight with Joshua that made him leave in the middle of it and the slamming of the door awoke your son, who was around a year old at the time, who then started to cry his heart out.

So you filed for a divorce.

It’d been a year since the divorce.

The process hadn’t been easy for you, at first. When you brought up the idea of divorce, Joshua immediately shut it down and used every excuse in existence.

But he must’ve seen how much the fighting drained you, because once he saw your sad eyes which only lit up in the presence of yours and his’ son, he agreed to the divorce.

The divorce was amicable, for the most part. You guys decided that going to court to settle everything was too much, so you guys talked it out. It was probably the longest the two of you have gone without fighting each other, which was depressing when you thought back on it.

But, in the end, you and Joshua settled on everything. For now, you would have Siwoo live with you in the house you guys had purchased while married since he was so young and maybe if he was older, he’d go back and forth with living between the both of you.

You had brought up the idea of selling the house and splitting the money, but Joshua insisted that you keep it.

“It’s your dream house. I don’t want you to have to throw it away because of me,”

So, now, you lived in a house made for 4 people with only you and Siwoo living together. Joshua visits when he can and sometimes he even sleeps over to spend time with Siwoo.

Life was okay.

“Joshua, what are you doing here?”

“I didn’t know where else to go,”

It was evident he was drunk. His shirt was disheveled, his shoes in one hand while a bottle that contained who-knows-what in his other. He could barely keep his eyes open and he was swaying so hard you feared he could topple over any minute.

You ushered him in the house, concerned that your neighbors will start talking and the last thing you needed was nosy neighbors.

“Where’s Siwoo?” Joshua slurred, putting down his bottle of alcohol on a nearby table, and sitting on the couch that you decided to keep, along with everything else in the house because it was too painful to throw away, even if it caused you pain at the same time.

“He’s at my parents. He wanted to spend time with his grandparents,” you informed him.

He nodded then stayed silent.

“Look, Joshua, I don’t know what you’re doing here—“

“It wasn’t supposed to end like this.”

“What?” you asked, not understanding what he was saying.

“This. Us. We were supposed to be happy and Siwoo was supposed to have a sibling,”

“You should go—“

“I went on a date today,” he suddenly said, cutting you off.

You stiffened at the news, but didn’t say anything. It seemed like Joshua wasn’t waiting for a response because he said, “The guys said I needed to move on. The divorce was done and I was finally single. So I let Seungkwan arrange a date for me with this girl from his workplace,”

“I don’t think I should hear this—“

“I couldn’t focus on the date. Ask me why.” Joshua said, his statement not leaving room for arguments.

You sighed and asked, “Why couldn’t you focus?”

“Because she wasn’t you,” he softly said, his slightly glassy eyes looking at you.

You took a deep breath, not expecting that answer.

“Joshua, you’re drunk. Maybe you should sleep it off,” was all you said, before turning to leave.

Before you could exit the living room and go to your room, Joshua called your name.

You turned and he said, “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry,”

You turned away, not wanting to risk him seeing how you started to tear up.

“I’m sorry, too,”

And with that, you went to your room and cried yourself to sleep.

Joshua, in the living room, felt so close yet so far from you, also crying himself to sleep.

But the next day, the both of you would pretend that nothing happened.

Like clockwork.

taglist (crossed out means that tumblr didn’t let me tag you): @belladaises @smileyneos @winterpaos @wonhuiful @minhui896 @baekhyunmochibbh @x-alightinthedark @whywontyousetfree @minghaossv

[peachdues]

Re: bundle of joy - I can't get Sanemi's comment abt how he watched his mom suffer miscarriages at the hand of his father out of my head. What if he saw his mom cry every time she realized she was pregnant again? Like she loved all of her kids, but she knew what their dad would do to them. What if he also helped take care of his mom through her pregnancies and post-partum because his dad never did? I'm just UGH I'm SO SOFT FOR NEMI.

THIS THIS THIS.

Sanemi was the eldest and therefore took on the most responsibility after his mother, and he was a mama’s boy through and through. I think his mother was his single biggest influence. I actually think his early life observing his father’s treatment of his mother plays a huge role in how he approaches Y/N’s pregnancy — and his relationship with her in general.

I imagine that everything he did for Y/N in Bundle of Joy, he learned by helping his mother during her pregnancies. I agree that he probably saw how difficult pregnancy was for his mother (because let’s be real, none of those kids were born from love, and that’s heartbreaking), and has long since promised that if he ever has a child, he will do everything he can for both his kid and their mother. He’s ecstatic at first, but then Y/N says she wants to keep things in the down-low for a bit, and suddenly he’s terrified that he’s done to her what his father did to his mother, and he would rather die than cause her any pain. I think his deepest insecurity is becoming like his father, and while Sanemi can be a hardass and tough, he cannot be anything other than soft for his lover and their children.

I think that after the kid is born (and let’s be real, he is so girl-dad coded), he would take the most parenting inspiration from his mother. Sure, Sanemi is still going to be Sanemi, but both he and Genya idolized their mother. Not only does he love his kid without limit, but I could also see him trying to incorporate her gentle way of parenting, too. He wants his child(ren) to have everything he didn’t when he was growing up, and he will do anything to ensure they get it.

Something that I wish we saw more of in the Sanemi-realm of demon slayer content is more of an understanding of how he treats women in general. I think there’s a tendency to write him along the same lines of how Obanai treats other female slayers apart from Shinobu and Mitsuri, but I’m not sure that’s entirely accurate.

We’re told several times that Sanemi is kind to women, but I don’t think that’s limited to non-Corps women. He observes a lower-ranked female slayer being harassed by M*dea and straight up makes the pig piss himself by yelling so much at him. He doesn’t tolerate any disrespect towards women because Sanemi starts every day by drinking his Respect Women Juice. I’m not saying he’s soft on female slayers, but I think he’s definitely more subdued. He’s not going to level personal/emotional attacks against them because that’s what his father did (along with the physical abuse) and Sanemi hates his father.

Honestly, tempted to explore more of the Bundle of Joy universe — like how Y/N and Sanemi actually meet and get together/their time in their secret relationship, and even as parents. Sanemi doesn’t strike me as someone who sleeps with another without already being emotionally invested in them to some degree, because he doesn’t like to feel as though he’s using them as a means to an end. I would like to write some parallels between Y/N’s pregnancy and his memories of his mothers’ pregnancies and show how they directly influenced him later on. We’ll see!

[adhdduckie]

-stars - pt 4 -Ao'nung x sully!fem!reader

"she looks at you like you strung the stars, and every time she looks at them now, she can only think of you. she loves you."

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my masterlist

(i originally wasn't going to continue this because tbh i lost dedication, but i got a msg asking abt it so i'll finish off the last part then. so sorry it took ages)

(also i had to add in the percy jackson kiss omg iykyk)

3.8k words.

pt 1-, pt 2 , pt 3

playlist made for this ; ❥irrefutable love❥ (only the fluffy parts)

lowdown-

When Y/N, and the Sullys first reach the reef, a boy catches her eye, and she does her best to catch his attention. She doesn't believe he likes her back, and she thinks it's ridiculous that she's so whipped for this boy. He seems to have no interest in her, and they remain what she believes, friends.

this parts lowdown-

the past couple of months have been hard, avoiding your teacher and the love of your life. You manage it though, with your brothers, family and friends with you. He tries to speak to you and makes up.

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the past couple of months went by in a blur, and when you try to force your brain to attempt to grasp more than a couple of memories, you can't. The memories you do remember, are the ones where you stand often at the edge of water, feeling the tide lap at your feet, as you try to think.

it's hard, being rejected. Your brothers attempted to make you feel better, telling you things like; "it's just heartbreak, it's not a big deal." thanks, Lo'ak. like he didn't cry when T'sireya said she didn't like the same fish as him.

you question the stability of your mind on several occasions when you couldn't remember much. The first couple of weeks after the rejection, you spent the majority of your time in your hammock in the family marui pod, refusing to come out.

T'sireya had stopped by on numerous occasions, attempting you to go out, spend some time. She felt terrible about what had happened with her brother, feeling some sort of responsibility as she was the one who suggested he teach you the ways of the metkayina. you refused to go out, afraid you would see Ao'nung and that he would sneer and laugh at you again when he did.

she sighed, and would come back a couple days later to try again. This went on for awhile, before lo'ak convinced her to just give you some time before you were ready. lo'ak and neteyam were furious with ao'nung, even haven gotten into one fight with him. you scolded them both when you found out, and made them promise not to fight him again, even if he hurt you.

your parents had disapproved from the beginning, neytiri sending snarls toward ao'nung whenever she saw him, and jake sending glares over to him as well. there was nothing they could do now, since he had already rejected you, except for trying to be there for you.

jake was not a very affectionate father, not the best at talking about feelings and things like that, but he tried his best for you. He'd talk about how it was just a boy, and that there would be more. He said that if it was meant to be, you wouldn't have been rejected, which was not the right thing to say to you after rejection as you burst into tears. ta'heyla rushing toward you when she heard you wail, curling into your side to try to make you feel better.

even avarin, who was still wary of the metkayina clan, had known of your little episode thing, catching fish and other food for you to eat as a way of showing her love. you were grateful for her and ta'heyla, and they made it slightly more bearable.

slowly, you began to feel better, spending more time out of your hammock, and even going for flights on avarin, swimming in the ocean, hunting to pass the time. T'sireya, your brothers and parents were overjoyed that you were finally up and about, but they could still see how your skin had paled slightly, not the same shade of cerulean skin. but, they were going to take what they could get.

when you hung out with kiri and t'sireya, they made sure that you spent as much time away from Ao'nung, hoping and praying you didn't see him as you continued living your life.

unbeknownst to anyone apart from you, one night while you had snuck out of your marui pod to do some thinking, you had seen ao'nung sitting quite close to your marui pod, feet in the water, as he stared at some glowing hammerbrow fish that swam by.

seeing how that it was the first time you saw him in a long time, you froze, your tail swishing back and forth warily behind you. You did not know what to do. you stood there for a couple of minutes and watched him, hidden by the shadows of your marui pod.

it physically hurt to see him look so unaffected by what had happened, as if he broke girls' hearts for fun, on a daily basis. You supposed he could've done and you never noticed. Sick of seeing him, you walked out, striding past him. He didn't seem to notice, so absorbed by the water and the hammerbrow fish.

you told yourself you didn't care and left. His contemplating face was stuck in your head for a couple hours after that, while you switched back and forth between riding Avarin, and your skimwing. When you got back home, the sun was starting to rise, and it seemed as if ao'nung had been long gone.

you sighed in relief, but were pretty distracted for the rest of the day, wondering why he had been in front of your family's marui pod. lo'ak noticed, and had asked on several occasions why you were so distracted, you just told him that you hadn't slept while. He sent you a look that screamed that he didn't believe you, but you weren't bothered to argue with him.

behind your back, he shared a worried glance with neteyam, who shrugged his shoulders and continued eating. the next day you had made plans with t'sireya to spend time by the beach, and so you did. You met her while the sky had the sun prancing on the water, the bluest day you had seen in awhile.

it was lovely to be sitting by the beach with t'sireya, ao'nung off your mind in the first time for months, and you missed this. You missed feeling free and happy, which in all honesty sounded really stupid. He was just a boy, you constantly reminded yourself, but you knew it wasn't true.

T'sireya spoke to you about everything and nothing, before finally getting back into the conversation she's been wanting to have for months. no one knew what exactly happened with you and ao'nung, just that you were rejected. T'sireya wished to know what exactly happened, and how he had rejected you.

"y/n?" she asked slowly as if she was talking to a jittery animal. might as well been, because you tensed up as soon as she used that tone. You knew what she was going to ask, and you sighed. it's time you spoke about it anyway.

"yes?" you responded, fidgeting with your hands in your lap

"what happened with you and ao'nung? If you don't mind telling me." she asks softly, almost hard to hear over the sound of the water meeting with the beach.

you sigh, leaning back on your elbows, sand shifting with the pressure of your weight as you turn toward her. you tell her what happens, and she gets increasingly angry.

"he did that? oh that skxawng, i will have his hide for that!" she growls, ears flattening against her head in anger. she remembers who she's with at the moment when you sigh, and her eyes soften, her bared teeth hidden by a sad smile as she apologises for her brother's actions.

"i'm so sorry, i don't know why he would do something like that. it doesn't make sense, he seemed infatuated with you." she apologises, pulling you into a hug.

"who knows? he has his own thoughts, too." you tell her, shrugging. the conversation ends soon, as your brother comes to collect you for dinner, and you say goodbye to t'sireya.

as soon you and lo'ak are out of her line of sight, her thick tail swishing back and forth angrily behind her as she marches back to her marui, prepared to give ao'nung the scolding of his life.

she finds him sitting at the fire with her parents and roxto, ignoring the former and latter, as she storms in, immediately starting to yell.

"you skxawng! how could you do that to y/n?" she points her finger at ao'nung as roxto scurries away, afraid of t'sireya's wrath. Tonowari and Ronal stare in confusion, as ao'nung seems to deflate promptly.

"hold on, what happened?" ronal asks, stepping forward before any violence can start.

"this skxawng, ao'nung, rejected the advances of y/n, when he is not even good enough for her. he would be the luckiest na'vi with y/n!" t'sireya explains, aggressively pointing her finger at him, shaking in anger.

"is this true?" tonowari asks ao'nung as he steps forward, pushing t'sireya's accusing finger away from ao'nung's eye, afraid his daughter might stab his son's eye in anger.

"yes." ao'nung mutters meekly, stepping away from t'sireya, afraid she will result to violence.

"you idiot-" t'sireya begins yelling again, cut off by her father raising a silent hand.

"do you not like her?" tonowari asks in confusion, ronal stepping beside him.

"i don't know." he answers quietly, making t'sireya groan in frustration, throwing her hands up into the air.

"then why would you be so mean?" she demands to know, stepping closer. "she looks at you like you strung the stars and every time she looks at them, she can only think of you, she loves you, ao'nung. and you were a skxawng telling her you didn't feel the same. why would you do that?" she finishes, and her parents nod in agreement.

"i- i don't know." he stammers, shaking his head. "for the better of the tribe? you said yourself that they were demon children, not true na'vi." he tries to explain, speaking to his parents, however it is obvious that he is unaware why he did it to even himself.

"for the better of the tribe?" his mother repeats in exasperation. "y/n and the rest of the sullys have done nothing but try to prove themselves to us, and don't be stupid, she is the toruk makto. how is she not true na'vi? just because you could not admit your own feelings for her, doesn't mean you get to blame it on the better of the tribe." ronal finishes, and when t'sireya walks closer to ao'nung, neither tonowari or ronal stops her, she swings her hand back and slaps ao'nung across the face.

"you better apologise, you idiot. If i was her, i wouldn't accept it, but eywa knows that she is a better person than i would be. you must make her trust you again." t'sireya sighs, as ao'nung rubs the mark that is already turning purple across his face, as she walks away, sitting down near the fire.

ao'nung had already realised that he was wrong, but with t'sireya's encouragement and the idea of losing you is what moves him to do something. he decides he needs to do anything to earn back your favour. that night, as the rest of his family slumbers away in their respect hammocks, ao'nung stares at the ceiling and thinks of the way he can win back your favour.

the next morning he approaches you with a bouquet of flowers as you walk with kiri by the beach. as soon as you see him, you leave and he sighs. kiri glares at him before stalking away, too.

the next few days he approaches and seeks you out, leaving you little peace. a week later he approaches you while you are on a lone hunt, pulling his ilu beside your skimwing, and while your skimwing feels your discomfort and slight anger, he snaps at ao'nung's ilu and he veers away for a bit.

you think you're free, but he finds you a couple of hours later on a small island as you hunt with avarin soaring above you. you manage to duck out of his sight with a well timed warning from avarin, squatting in a tree as you watch him stumble around like an idiot searching for you.

"y/n?" he continues to call out, seemingly knowing that you are still on this island. "please, i just want to talk." he begs, eyes scanning the trees, searching for your figure.

'he just wants to talk?' you think, 'maybe i should hear him out?' that soft side of your subconscious says. 'no! he hurt us, remember?' the other, more rational part of you thinks.

obviously the more delusional part of you won, so you jump down from your tree as he walks beneath the tree for the third time. he jumps as your feet hit the ground, whirling around startled.

he realises it's you and gives you a shy smile, testing the waters. you do not return the smile, just watching him with impassive eyes before sighing. as you sigh, the smile melts away, and his lips come together in a hard line.

"what do you want, ao'nung? can't you leave me alone?" you ask him, throwing your bow over your shoulder. he tracks the movement as if he's afraid you're going to shoot him, and you laugh at the thought internally, knowing that you could never hurt him on purpose.

"i want to apologise for what i said to you when i rejected you. i was afraid to accept my feelings and i did not know what to do. nobody has ever made me feel the way you do, and i didn't understand how to cope with it. I don't mean anything i said, and i would be the luckiest na'vi if i had your love again." he rambles out, stepping forward, pulling out the necklace you made for him, put together again.

"after i rejected you and you left, i picked up the necklace and instantly regretted it. i want to thank you for it, and i fixed it. please accept it as an apology and a gift from me, in any way you see fit." he continues, holding it out to you.

you hesitate. his apology seems sincere, but a gift and a couple of words could not undo the damage his words made. he notices your hesitation, eyes wide in anticipation, waiting for your response.

you extend your hand, fingers brushing against ao'nung's as you pull the necklace from his hands. in your hands, the necklace is warm, and feels familiar. at the centre, a new bead, one that you did not make, the colour of your eyes. he smiles when he sees you notice.

"may i?" he asks, gesturing toward your neck. you nod, unable to speak as he takes the necklace back from your hands, lifting your hair out of the way, fastening it around your neck. as he does so, you can feel his fingers lightly brushing against your neck, and suddenly it's harder to breathe. when he's finished, he steps back and you turn back around to face him.

"ao'nung... i accept your apology, but it will take time for me to trust you again. if this is a courting gift, then i do not accept it as a courting gift, only as a normal gift and an apology. if you wish to court me, it will require me to forgive you fully. your words have hurt me and it will take some time to heal, please understand." you tell him, and he nods in understanding.

"i will do whatever it takes for you to accept me as your mate. I want you to know i do feel the same for you as you did when you approached me with your courting, and i was a skxawng to reject you." he tells you. you nod in agreement, glad that he's apologised and you feel slightly better. however, you were not going to accept him immediately, knowing that his actions would prove the truth better than the words he says.

your ways separate after that, you continuing your hunt, and him going back to his marui to tell t'sireya the news.

"of course she accepted your apology. i said she was better than i was, didn't i?" t'sireya rolls her eyes. "you need to prove what you mean if you want to still court her. not that you deserve her, idiot." she continues.

he shrugs, just happy you agreed to accept his apology. t'sireya rolls her eyes again, but she too is glad you accepted his apology.

the next couple of weeks, ao'nung is the kindest he's ever been. he saves you the food he deems the best, brings you extravagant gifts, and saves you the best spots at the communal fires. your brothers were not happy at the beginning, but with every new gift, they saw you looking happier and happier, so they just watched from a distance, ready to swoop in whenever something felt wrong. ao'nung gifted your brothers spoils of the hunt, and soon won the favour of your mother and father.

they believed he would be a suitable mate, especially now that he was looking for your forgiveness, and to gain your trust back. they were also happy, believing that he was slightly worthy of you when they began to see your old self again, quick to smile and laugh.

conversation was easy between you and ao'nung, he asks you of your home, and you teach him about the forests you came from. you find out small details about him, like how he used to be afraid of the water, but his father just threw him in and he began to enjoy it.

he doesn't press you for answer regarding being his mate, just easily working up to the moment where you feel comfortable enough to tell him you accept. you never knew how affectionate ao'nung was. he was very tactile with you

it was usually very small things. like when you walked through a crowded area, he had his hand resting gently on your lower back, guiding you through the crowds, muttering about how he wouldn't want to lose you. his arm wrapped around your shoulder protectively when another boy who wanted your attention came by, glaring at them until they got uncomfortable enough to leave. he thought he was being subtle, but he really wasn't.

he also tended to lean into your side during conversations, leaving you flustered on numerous occasions, and him with a smirk on his face. one time, you got irritated by his smirk and noticed his dimples popped out, and you stuck your index fingers in them and laughed while he stared at you like you were insane, before lunging after you as you danced out of his grasp to tickle you.

he did that a lot, actually. didn't know why, but it was probably an excuse to touch you, you thought later. it was a strange relationship, both of you knowing how you and the other felt of each other, but nothing really progressed, as he was waiting for you to accept his courtship, continuing to bring you gifts every day.

it was insane, how many he had. it was like he had been collecting every single thing that made him think of you and giving it to you. your brothers complained about the clutter near your hammock, but they saw how it made you smile every time you got a new gift. it wasn't like you were just accepting his gifts and not doing anything for him, though.

you too gave him frequent gifts, although smaller gifts and less often, about once a week. it was a funny joke among the metkayina tribe members, and a you're pretty sure you saw t'sireya betting with a child on how long it would take for you to cave into ao'nung's advances. you spluttered when you asked her about it and she just grinned mischievously, telling you to hurry it up because she wanted to win.

and it didn't help that you were on your way to ao'nung as he noticed your blush and asked you about it , which made you begin spluttering again, and he laughed lightly, pulling you closer to him as you walked, arm wrapping around your waist.

a couple of months after this specific moment, after you fully believed that he was true to his word, actually caring about you, you consulted your brothers, parents, friends and even ao'nung's parents. they all agreed that he had managed to prove himself to be worthy of you, and since they agreed with you, you decided to accept.

that day, you pulled him along to a small cave you found off the coast of the village, which you had set up nicely. he seemed to know you had finally accepted, but could tell you wanted it to be special, so he just let you do what you wished.

at the small cave, it was dimly lit by blue glow worms, and you pulled him to a small tide pool, pulling him down to sit at the edge with you, dipping your feet in the water. he smiled at you encouragingly, ready for you to accept.

you pulled out a small bracelet you had made for him discreetly while he was literally around you 24/7, that happened to match with one you were wearing.

"ao'nung, i know that i did not originally accept your courting, due to the rejection of mine, but i am ready now. i accept you and i see you." you tell him, handing him the bracelet. he smiles at you happily, taking it from you and putting it around his wrist, before pushing himself into the water.

you sit there confused, wondering what you're supposed to do now, when he gives you a mischievous grin, that looks scarily alike to t'sireya's. using his tail to stay afloat in the tide pool, he reaches his hand out for you to take. you take it, and he pulls you under.

under the surface of the water, your thin eyelid slides over your eyes, allowing you to see underwater. ao'nung's in front of you, smiling at you. he snakes his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him. you can feel your heart thump in your chest, and can feel his heart beating fast in his, too. one hand moves from your waist to cup your cheek, before he leans in and closes his eyes, kissing you.

both of your lips gently brush against each other underwater, and his grip around you tightens, pulling you closer. the kiss is hesitant in the beginning, exploring. the longer your lips remain together, the more confident he gets, grip tightening again.

you can't help but think how happy you are in this moment, grateful you managed to end up together like you always thought you would, happy that you were.

the kiss is nothing like you thought it would be, better than you could have ever expected, his lips soft against yours. he pulls back after awhile, smiling at you, before you both swim back to the surface to breathe.

needless to say, t'sireya was obnoxiously happy she won the bet against the child, and you promised you were going to bet on her and lo'ak with ao'nung, which made her stay quiet. but you didn't mind, since you had ao'nung by your side after all.

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taglist

@aonungmyaddiction @elizarikaallen @ok-boke @chuckle-nuts @shadowmoonlight0604 @shit-i-say-shit-i-think @plutodestr0yedme @yeosxxx @slutforsmut4ever

a/n - hi guys! finally finished this, it's the last part. i ended up writing more than i expected, but it was fun to do so. i hope you enjoyed!

© adhdduckie 2023 please do not repost, translate or copy.

[koishua]

oh i love you for rbing hee angsts for me even though they leave a huge impact— yours specifically, for some reason ( im saying this again, vie, drop the secrets ) AND NO IT WASN'T JUST 'OH POOR BOY' FIC i mean maybe, yeah, sort of? but i was having a terrible terrible morning and my intention was to read a cute candle light dinner fic heeseung but who knew you had plans on lighting candles for the reader instead :/

AND THE LONG FIC. i am very intrigued actually, tell me more i think i'm ready to consume more of heeseung on the verge of insanity ( i think we're calling him that every time he's in your fic ) now that i've woken up from a power nap

no bc im trying to look at my fics and i can't find proper dialogue like where are the conversations?? my secret i think is just a crap ton streams of consciousness bye 🚶🚶reader and hee barely ever talk it's just like: here's what's happening in this poor little meow meow's heart and mind. have it, ty and goodbye!!

im sorry for catching you on a bad morning tho ngl ☹️☹️ but also pls 😭😭 that's so funny actually i only have two proper-ish hee fluffs and one's a blind date gone wrong but also right??? and another is just sleepy hee 🚶🚶

the longfic!! yes!! i deleted it and a bunch of others in my bout of fury and annoyance at my writing (more like lack of ability to write actual plot lmao) before i went on that two month writing hiatus so it's gone rip 🤭🤭 but it was something i'd been toying with for so so long like you know that one scene in fever of hee just tired and in bed?? it was inspired by that but instead of horny it was just sadness and sorrow lmao it's actually hilarious how that came to be the more i think about it

it was originally going to start off with that snippet i posted, which was the prologue and it would then spiral into these glimpses at his inability to wake up from this quiet and empty world he'd built for himself in your wake. lots of moments where i was showing him doing and feeling absolutely nothing for weeks on end and just the menial things yada yada and one day the 02z would try to unsuccessfully break his door down so they send a wellness check and whatnot and that's where his healing process began i guess.

it would be rocky and he'd constantly succumb back into his grief bc just like in "second death" he'd become so attached to reader that without them he just wasn't whole enough to function. it'd then go into flashbacks where i was showing everyone how up until then, he had only been living for you and only you. but the boys would take turns crashing at his place and taking him out to places and doing things that would slowly make him return to himself. god there was this one instance where they'd catch him dancing by himself in the candlelight and he was so out of himself that it honestly broke even my heart. they would realize that he kept seeing reader as if they were physically there as a means to cope and it was so heartbreaking i can't begin explaining it to you ugh

eventually the more he started to feel better and the less he started relying on drinking, the more sinister your ghost would become and there would be times where he'd wake up from a dream he had of something nice (other than you at long last) to your ghost just smiling eerily at him from beside his bed, telling him that he was starting to forget about you and how cruel that was of him and that was the first time the boys would ever hear him cry after your departure. the guilt would eat him up alive. logically he knows that you'd want him to be happy and move on but the part in his brain that's so self loathing just makes him see you everywhere so that he never ever forgets about you.

anyhow that's all i had written i think and revisiting it makes me SO want someone to write this out for me 😞😞

[someonelookingpraediti]

Currently Reading...

A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara

I honestly didn't know anything about this book before buying it, except that I'd seen people all over tumblr crying over it, calling it "heartbreaking", "brutal", "traumatic". Great, I thought, just my kind of thing!

It's a pretty intimidating book, and probably would have sat on my shelf, collecting dust, languishing in my TBR for years, if Henry hadn't bought us tickets to see the play.

"Have you read A Little Life?" "No, but it's on my TBR!" "Do you want to see the play? It's in May." "Sure, I'll definitely have read it by then!"

And suddenly it was mid-April and, much like in my school days, I had not done the reading.

No worries, I re-bought it on kindle, because that's the way I read quickest, and did some quick calculations. In order to get done before the show, I would need to read 7% of the book per day - not including Sundays, because I know what I'm like. Doable... probably. I'll admit, I was a bit worried.

Henry also warned me that I might need to take breaks and read other things, or I might find it "too much". The word "brutal" came up again. I don't normally read two books at once, I tend to end up neglecting whichever I'm less keen on. But I took his point - getting emotionally drained by a book wouldn't make me read it any faster. So I decided to make this my "take to work" book, and while at home, read some "light" books.

I finished a week ahead of schedule, and didn't really get a lot of other reading done - I managed one children's book.

There are some books you just start reading, and you know. This is one of those.

I was 3% in, and I knew. It's so beautifully written, and long before anything even happened, I was hooked.

At 14%, I cried for the first time.

This book is told in snippets and snapshots, moving back and forth through time, and from so many different perspectives. The book is one of JB's art shows. I want to stop, at 25%, when Jude is stupidly, blissfully happy, when everything is going well for him and he's loved and in love, finally, finally happy. I don't want another 75% of things going wrong.

31%, and happiness is not for Jude. But it's for you, Willem.

At 43% it got bad. At 45%, it got really bad. People kept using the word "brutal", but at first it was almost uplifting. I almost began to think I was reading the wrong book, the sheer tenderness between these boys, the love shared in every interaction, was charming and hopeful. And then, in the space of about a chapter, it all went wrong, and I spent the rest of the evening feeling like someone had kicked me in the sternum.

But it got better, it got better. There were The Happy Years. A subheading that was so positive that at first I couldn't take it at face value. But they really were the happy years.

85%, and I'm crying from sheer happiness.

86%, and the breath is knocked from me in one sentence. I spend the rest of the book crying, and by the end I'm wailing; big, ugly, noisy, gulping, gasping sobs. I'm crying my heart out.

But the thing is. This is a happy book. Yes, it has a sad ending, but many books do. Other than that one particular stretch (43%, remember, and for only 10% of the book) it wasn't brutal. Most of the horrific, terrible things that happen to him are in the past, they've already happened, before the book even starts. Even before the story opens, they are done, past, immutable, unchangeable. They can't be unwritten. The last 15%, the sad 15%, is awful to read - but it doesn't erase the rest of his life - the happy part of his life. It doesn't erase the 35 or so years he and Willem had together. And as the end of the book shows, people die in their forties and fifties and sixties as often as they live to old age. Lives cut short - but not that short. Not tragically short, not unusually short. But unusually happy, at least for a little while.

I don't know if I could bear to read this book again, and I don't know that I could recommend it - at least not to any of the people I know. But I smiled more than I cried.

[zunniva]

Heartbroken Love pt. 3

I'm totally new to tumblr and I can't for the life of me figure out how to link to the other 2 parts... Sorry :)

Heartbreak and Love

In this part I freely imagine the aftermath of Vecna's rampage. It's also he part where Emma and Steve really find each other, eventually. All is good in the end though!

The darkness... it's taken over. Dad tells me I graduated, I have no memories of this. I apparently went up on that stage, got my diploma, refused to leave until principal Higgins gave me Eddies diploma too. I have a faint memory of the Hellfire club standing up cheering, alongside Steve and the gang. All cheering and screaming Eddies name. People booing, Steve throwing something at them. But this is just like a memory of a dream... you're not quite sure it's real. Dad says it is, he was standing up cheering for Eddie as well.

It's been 3 months now, 3 agonizing months without him. The trailer park was demolished in the “earthquake” so Wayne had to leave. He came by to say good bye, and he left me Eddies guitar. Told me that if I ever found myself in whatever part of the country he ended up in I needed to look him up. I think I promised him that. I sleep with the guitar in my bed, or sleep. I stay in some kind of dormancy, not asleep not awake. Just... shut off. Then dad comes and makes me get out of bed, every morning without fail. He makes sure I take a shower and then I just sit there in my chair, holding the guitar looking out the window.

The town is slowly coming back from the disaster that was “the earthquake” dad tells me. They're rebuilding and fixing what they're able to. I don't care... What's to care about? A town that celebrated the dead like heroes of war but ignored one of the only real heroes it had? Not one mention about him in the eulogies, even AFTER they came out and said he was falsely accused of the murder of Chrissy. Not even then was he mentioned as anything but “that freak Munson boy” I understand why Wayne felt he needed to leave.

Dad's been asking me if we should leave too, maybe head back to Sweden so I can apply for university next semester. I cry silent tears when he says this, so he doesn't push. The therapist that comes here once a week told him not to push. Just give me time, I'll come out of this eventually, it'll be easy once I get over the initial pain. Fucking moron, I hope someone he loves dies and he can come tell me how easy it is to “come out of it”. I feel angry, all the time. Then sad, and I cry. I don't know where the tears come from, you'd think I would have run out by now. But that's my life now, anger, tears and pain. But no actions, I don't have it in me to DO anything but stare into nothingness and...exist.

I miss him so much, sometimes I just wish I had it in me to... you know join him. But I can't do that to dad. He loved Eddie too, I know this but I have no energy to be there for him and that also makes me miserable.

The guys have been around to visit. In the beginning almost every day. Now school's started again and Nancy, Steve and Robin have all got new jobs. So I'm alone all day. Dad got a promotion following the death of Jason, his dad had a mental breakdown and couldn't keep working. The board asked dad to step in and manage the whole company. I'm sure I'm proud somewhere inside, I might even be able to show it some day.

I have absolutely no idea what happened to them in the Upside down, after finding Dustin in that parking lot I've lost track of everything. Steve is the one that comes over the most, he sits beside me holding my hand. Not speaking, I can't take in what people tell me any ways. He just sits there. It feels good having him there, comforting.

Another month passes, I think it's getting a bit easier to exist. Not a lot but I manage to remember things dad tells me for more than 10 minutes. I get out of bed on my own, I've even been down stairs a few times. I can tell dad is tentatively hopeful, maybe I am to. But at the same time I'm terrified. What if I get better and I forget him? What if everyone moves on and he's just passed in to oblivion? When these thoughts hit I panic. The only thing calming me down is to sit in bed strumming Eddie's guitar humming to myself. That's also the only use of my voice since that day I graduated. I haven't spoken, not one word. I nod and I shake my head.

On this particular day the intrusive thoughts are really bad and I decide to do something I haven't done in 4 months. I pick up the phone after making sure it's a Saturday and not a weekday.

“Hello?”

“Please come over...” my voice is low and sounds more like a croak from a frog than an actual person

“Emma?”

“Please... I need you”

“I'll be right there”

10 minutes later I hear the door bell. My dad opens the door

“Oh hey Steve, good to see you. I don't know if she's up yet”

“She is... Martin she called me... she actually spoke” I hear the happiness in Steve's voice.

“Are you sure? You're not joking are you?” I hear from the tone on dads voice that he doesn't quite trust Steve

“I thought for a moment myself that I was dreaming, but then I pinched myself and I was awake. She called Martin...and she called ME!” I have no clue what he meant by that

I hear his footsteps in the hallway then a soft knock on the door. It opens and his smiling face looks at me

“Hey” he looks at me

“Hey” I croak and he starts sobbing

“Oh god I missed your voice Em, so much you have no idea” he comes up to me taking my hand “you mind if I give you a hug?”

“Nah, that's why I wanted you here... I need one” I whisper

He wraps me in his arms and he hugs me tight.

“I missed you��� he says in to the crease of my neck

“I understand that, can't promise I'm gonna be here all the time but I'm getting closer...maybe” I say and I wrap my arms around him as well. If feels so good having someone close. I forgot how good it feels. We part from the hug “Hey, Steve. Maybe weird to ask after this long. But would you mind laying down on the bed with me. This position isn't comfortable and I can't stand up for that long” I look up at him

“I'd let you lie on top of me on the floor if it made you more comfortable Em. Not weird at all, c'mon lets get you in to bed” he smiles and takes my hand.

We lay down on the bed and he wraps his arms around me and I put my head on his chest so I can hear his heart beating. His hands slowly rubbing my arms up and down. I begin to cry softly into his shirt. He coos at me

“There, there you cry. Can't promise it'll make you better right away but maybe in a while. And I'm here for you all the way” he keeps stroking my arms and kissing my head. I can feel how excruciatingly tired I really am. I yawn “You take a nap I'll be right here” he says. I wiggle a little to get more comfortable and I put one arm around him. Then I sleep, like I haven't slept in months. I wake up thinking I just had a short nap, someone's put a blanket over us. Steve has slumped down on the bed so he's lying face to face with me still holding me. He's sleeping to, how long was I out I think. I try to move and Steve's eyes fly open.

“Hey...did I wake you?” he says looking worried

“No I think I woke you up, how long have I been sleeping?”

He looks at his watch “Well... should I lie to you or tell you the truth?” he smiles

“What? Truth...always truth” I say

“23 hours and 45 minutes...” he looks at me

“Excuse me? But... what about you? Have you been here the whole time?” He can't be serious

“You needed me, so I stayed. Of course I stayed” he says stroking my back

“For almost a whole 24 hours? But what about food... toilet...”

“Your dad's been in with food and for the short time it takes me to pee I left you. Hope you don't mind, you didn't even stir when I crawled back down beside you” he kisses my forehead

“Mind... Steve, this is beyond what I can ask of you. Don't put your life on hold for me...” I can't believe this

“Sweetheart, there are two people in this world right now that everyone's lives are on hold for. Yours and Max's. Ok? We all care” he says “maybe some more than others” he finishes with a whisper

“Max? What's wrong with Max?” I feel like I should know but there are no memories only fog

Steve looks at the time “Would you be up for a little trip outside today?” he asks

“Outside?” I think about it “well ok but you need to help me, I have no real strength left to walk”

“No problem!”

“And I need to get some clothes that aren't pyjama” I say tugging at my shirt. I smile, just a little smile but it's the first one in 4 months. Steve looks at me and tears fall down his face

“A smile? Oh God I missed your smile” and then he does something I didn't expect he leans in and he kisses me, just a quick kiss but I can feel it all over. “Oh I'm sorry... I couldn't help myself” he looks so ashamed like he violated me

“It's ok Steve I didn't mind. Made me feel almost like a person again” I say and I take his hand

“You sure?” he looks at me all apologetic

“100% now help me find clothes” I say as I manage to sit up in the bed. Ok so sleeping for almost 24 hours straight feel something like being drunk. The room spins when you sit up, and DAMN I need to pee. I try to get up but the rooms spins even more and I almost fall over.

“What are you doing, sit down please. I don't want you to hurt yourself” he says

“I really, and I can't stress this enough, fucking need to pee” I manage a small giggle and he lights up

“Wow even a giggle, this is a good day. Ok hold on to me and I'll help you to the bathroom”

We manage to get to the bathroom in time and he waits outside the door until I'm done. Then he follows me to the bed again and sits me down.

“Ok so clothes, any ideas?” he says

“Well...” I look down at my body even I can see I lost more weight following Eddie's death “whatever stills fits... So I'm guessing a dress is the best option” I shrug

“Ok, dress it is” he walks up to my closet looking through it. He turns to me and he has a big smile on his face “well I am partial to this one” he says and pulls out the dark green dress I've only worn once and that was when we had our thing at the lake. I blush

“I think that'll be a bit big but I can try it on at least” I say and he hands me the dress “would you please turn around” I say

“Of course” he does so right away. In my mind I go back to that night I last wore this dress, the conversation with Eddie when he was so hellbent on hearing what me and Steve had done he wasn't going to close his eyes while I changed. Tears trickle down the dress as I take off the clothes I have on and pull it over my head. It's big but not as awful as I thought it would be “Ok you can turn around now” I say. He turns and looks at me

“Beautiful, just like last time... But what's wrong?” he wipes the tears from my face

“Last time anyone saw me in this was after you and I... It was Eddie” I say

“Oh... I'm so sorry I had no idea... I just thought about the you and me part” he looks sad and he wraps me in his arms “You wanna change?”

“No, it looks ok and it's comfortable. I'll wear it as an homage” I say “where are we going by the way?”

“You'll see” he says and takes my hand, helping me down the stairs. We go in to the kitchen. Dad looks up

“Honey...you're...” tears start falling down his face

“Hey dad” I say and I hug him and he hugs me back so tight.

“Thank you” he says and I know he's looking at Steve when he says it

“Ehm... I'm taking Emma to the hospital to you know... see her” Steve says

“Her?” I'm confused

“Yeah sweetie, after you... collapsed with Dustin, well a lot more happened. You said you heard someone talking about Jason...and the kid found with him” dad says and I nod “Yeah that was Max...she's still in a coma”

“Max? In a coma? What...” I look at Steve

“We don't really know but I'll tell you what little we do know on the ride there if you still wanna come?” he says

“Yeah, of course I wanna come” I say and I mean it. For the first time in what feels like forever I care about someone, about something. I want to see Max.

“Great I'll bring the car up as far as I can” Steve says and heads out the door

“I'm so happy your feeling a little better today sweetheart. But don't stay out too long, you don't have all your energy you know.” dad looks at me with a hopeful smile

“I know, but I've been in that room for 4 months now. And I know there will be dark days ahead where I won't leave so for today I'm going to see my friends” I say

“Good for you honey, I'm all for it. Steve will take good care of you I know that. Send my love to whoever you see today.” dad kisses my forehead and squeezes my hand. Steve comes in and holds his hand out to me

“Your chariot awaits princess” he smiles and I can't help but smile back and I hear dad sob

“Yes, I do still remember how to smile. I'll try to do it from time to time” I say to him as I take Steve's hand and we head out to the car. At first the outside is an assault to my senses. Smells, sounds and the chill in the air. It's almost knocking me out. As Steve shuts the car door it all gets better. He gets in the drivers seat and he looks at me

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just a lot there after 4 months isolated in one room.” I say

“Oh, sorry didn't think about that. Then maybe I should take the tape out of the stereo” he smiles “don't wanna give you a heart attack”

“A heart attack? With what... Wham?” Steve was more of a mainstream kinda guy

“Well... I kinda changed it up a bit... Got some gifts from Wayne” he mumbles

“What? Wayne... did you... did you get Eddies tapes?” I ask “You? Who hate rock just as much as Eddie hated pop?” I almost laugh out loud at this

“I asked for them... I wanted something so I'd never forget him” he says in a hushed voice

“So you'd never...” my voice fails me and tears start falling again “but I thought you didn't” I manage to get out

“What? Like him...nah not at first. Guy kinda grew on you fast, didn't he” he smiles but I can see he's tearing up to

“He sure did... So you have the tapes... Can you bring them over some time? I want to copy them” I sob

“Of course I can, any time. Shall we go? Or do you want to stay home?”

“Go, this was just a temporary interruption. Feels sort of okish to mention him... not gonna say good. Don't think I'll ever get to good” I say

“Ok go it is” he says and starts the car making sure the tape isn't in.

We talk on the way to the hospital, about his new job. They offered him the basketball coaching position at the high school and he accepted, gladly he tells me. I tell him I'm happy for him, I am even though it might not show on the outside. He tells me what little they know about what happened to Max. Lucas was with her and Jason as Vecna assaulted her mind almost killing her like he did the others. But he was interrupted and Max ended up in a coma instead. Jason was killed in the rupture, he was torn in half apparently. I can't process this fully. So I go back to telling Steve I am happy for him, needing time to get the Max thing in my mind.

“I know you are sweetheart” he says and takes my hand holding it the entire car ride, he's slowly rubbing his thumb along the top of my hand. It's comforting, having someone touch me. We get to the hospital

“I have no idea how many of the guys are here today, but it's the weekend so there might be a few of them. Would that be ok?” he asks

“Yeah, I think it would. You visit her often?” I say

“When I'm not with you I come here for an hour or so. I tell her what's new, don't know if she can hear me but I hope so” he says

“I'm sure some of it comes through to her.” I say, squeezing Steve's hand. I'm thinking back to my past few months, I was awake but not reachable. I have some clue what the mind takes in even if you're not all there for it.

We go in to the hospital and we head up to the ward where Max is. Steve goes in in front of me, I hear some familiar voices. I sneak in after him and the silence is deafening

“Em? You're... you're here? Steve you got her to come out?” Dustin is smiling widely at me running up to hug me.

“Yeah...he helped” I say and they draw a collective breath and Nancy starts crying

“God I missed your voice Em” she comes up and wraps her arms around both me and Dustin. Not caring she crushes him between us “how are you feeling?” she asks as she lets go

“I...don't know. Today kinda ok. Yesterday was bad, tomorrow might be bad again. I think this is a one day at a time deal. But I...” I look over to the bed and my heart drops. A pale shadow of the beautiful girl I knew is laying there. She looks like she's sleeping, nothing more “never mind me, some day I'll be ok. But what about Max? Maybe you told me maybe you didn't but my mind didn't register until Steve told me today” I say and I go up to the bed. I sit down in the chair Nancy was sitting on and I lean over and I begin stroking Max's hair. “Hey Max, it's Em. Sorry it took me so long to come see you...I've been struggling. I guess they told you huh? So you know what...happened to Eddie. I kinda need you to wake up, take your time but just you know...wake up” I whisper. Lucas is sitting across from me holding Max's hand tears falling from his face

“Thank you for talking to her like she's here” he says “the doctors don't... We seem to be the only ones thinking she's coming back from this”

“What? You and me?” I look around

“No we, as in everyone in here” he says with a sad smile “Eleven's been trying to find her... But she says it's like she's hiding. She isn't sure it's safe”

I keep stroking her hair looking at her “So is it? Safe I mean...”

“We did finish him, after Eddie...and Max we got our revenge. Eleven found her powers... maxed them out even and popped his head like a zit... unfortunately we had to use Will as bait, turned out it was him he wanted all along. He's ok just...you know traumatized” Steve says from the corner

“So Vecna is no more? What about the upside down? Is it gone?” I ask dreading the answer

“We have no idea” Nancy says

I look up and I meet Dustin's eyes, I see he's thinking what I'm thinking. I need to find an opportunity to talk to him alone. If there is a chance... I'll risk everything. We stay with Max and the guys for about an hour or so, then I feel my head is about to explode from too many impressions and too many sounds after months of basically only silence. I look at Steve with pleading eyes

“Oh, I think I need to get Emma home, you're beat aren't you?” he says and smiles at me

“Yeah... I'm sorry guys but I am. I'll try to some back the next good day I have, ok?” making no promises because I have no idea what the next day will be like. They all nod and tell me to feel better and that they'll come visit. Steve and I head to the car and he pulls me in close and kisses my head

“You did good today sweetie, but I'll take you home now and get you in to bed ok?”

“Thank you Steve, this was...healthy. Made me get some perspective on my situation seeing Max like that” I say

“Hey, don't belittle your struggle. No one is thinking you're not having a hard time. We've all seen you through the months. Dustin told me about that day, he said the scream coming from you was the single most heartbreaking sound he'd ever heard. Even worse than...his last breath” he looks at me

“You never told me this before...” I say with a hushed voice

“I didn't think you were...susceptible to that kind of information before. I'm sorry”

“No don't be, and you're probably right. I remember some things people told me. Like Wayne telling me I need to look him up at some point, you heard anything from him?” I ask

“Yeah, he called like 2 months ago, he's in Nebraska working at a power plant. He sent me his address, I'll give it to you.” he smiles and hugs me again “ok lets go home now” we drive off and I keep looking out the window, letting my mind wander to what was hatched in my mind at the hospital. We come home to an empty house, a note from dad on the counter.

“Hey honey, they needed me at the office. I might be late. I made dinner, it's in the fridge. Enough for both you and Steve. Love you -Dad”

“Will you stay, please?” I ask Steve

“Of course I'll stay. If you need me I'm here I've told you many times during these months, maybe it hasn't registered but I have. I might not be him, and I will never try to take his place. But I want to be here for you, just like he would have” he looks at me and I wrap my arms around him taking in his smell and his warmth

“Thank you Steve” I can feel the tingle is still there, just like a lonely butterfly at the moment. But he's still Steve, the handsome, sexy, strong guy that not that long ago was naked in my arms writhing beneath me. I blush

“Hey what's this? What's on that mind of yours?” he smiles

“I just had a flashback... From the cabin” I whisper

“Oh...yeah, that. That was a good night wasn't it” he's rubbing my back and I feel so safe for the first time in what feels like forever

“It was... I wish we could have had another chance, another go at it” I keep whispering like I don't want to risk anyone hearing even though we're completely alone in the house.

“You and me both sweetie” he kisses the top of my head, I look up at him. My eyes lock on his lips I can feel his heart beating faster and I hear his breath shiver as he looks down at me. “I don't want to take advantage of you” he says in a coarse voice

“I'm not asking you to fuck me against the counter... That's too soon, but I wouldn't mind a kiss...” I blush. His hands move to the side of my face and he leans down and kisses me softly. My knees feel weak and I sigh against his lips

“I'm sorry but this is all I'm able to give you right now” he whispers and I nod

“All I needed right now, would you stay the night though. Not for this...for sleep?” I say in to his chest

“Any time you need me. But what about we heat up that food your dad left us and then we make ourselves comfy on the couch and we watcha movie or something. Or just talk?”

We eat, then I feel how very tired this day has made me so we opt for my bed instead of the couch. We crawl down under the covers and I once again lay there, head on Steve's chest listening to his heartbeat, feeling safe.

“So what have the doctors said about Max really?” I ask

“Well, she might wake up. They don't know. She responds to what they call stimuli, I guess that means she's still in there. So that apparently gives hope. But it might just go the other way to, if she stops responding then her brain has shut down and then they can't do anything more for her. We're all hoping Eleven's gonna find her and get her to come out of hiding”

“Can you explain that to me? I don't get...that part” I say. I remember when I met them all in Eddie's trailer the last time I saw him. They told me Eleven was like some superhero girl with awesome powers. I didn't fully understand then and I understand even less now

“Eleven is... special you know that right, he told you didn't he?” I nod “Ok, well so she can go in to I guess some kind of in-between and find people's minds. Like find them where ever they are, she found Will when he was lost in the Upside down 4 years ago. But when she tries to find Max now...it's just darkness. She can feel her but not see her. That's why she says it's like she's hiding herself. She tries for like 10 minutes every day. But then she needs to rest. It apparently takes a lot out of her finding people like that. She won't give up, she's been at her side every day for 4 months now and she'll be there every day until she either finds her or we lose her.” Steve explains, my mind is working frantically. Steve looks at me “No she wouldn't look for him, we asked. She didn't want to see it. Apparently when she looks for people that passed she only finds their dead bodies and that is too much for her. She would find him like he is at that moment, and God knows what she would find. We didn't want to ask her again, please respect that” he says, like he read my mind

“I'm sorry... I just...” I start to cry

“I get it sweetheart, I get it. We all wanted to but we had to respect her, Dustin was pestering her a bit at the beginning. But Mike had a conversation with him and he backed off.”

“Do you ever think about trying to get back there and retrieve his body? Give him the funeral he deserves?” I sob

“We did have a funeral sweetheart, don't you remember? It was beautiful”

“We did? I was there?” I have NO recollection of this

“Yes, you held my hand so tight I thought it might fall off. I had to hold you when they lowered the coffin in to the ground. I was afraid you'd fall in with it” he hugs me tight

“I... I can't remember” I cry even harder now

“Sweetie, no one can blame you. It was just weeks after. You we're barely responsive at all back then. Me and Martin carried you in to the service and we carried you out again. We just thought you needed to be there even if we weren't sure you were there with us mentally”

“So he has a grave? I can go see him?” I say between sobs

“Yes he does, I'll take you there as soon as you have a stronger day again. Ok, just let me know when you feel you have the energy to deal with it and I'll take you there” he says softly

“Thank you, but what about... what was in the coffin?” I don't wan to think about it but my mind can't let it go

“Photos of him, his leather jacket and his Hellfire shirt. And we all wrote him a letter and dropped it in there to” he says and I hear he's tearing up

“I'm sorry Steve I didn't want to drag you down with me” I sob

“Sweetheart, I liked him too you know. We became good friends before the end. I miss him a lot, he was a good guy. And apparently a really good confidant to you...”

“What do you mean?” I sniffle

“Well... when we were out to get supplies we stole this RV from the trailer park”

“That was YOU driving that thing through town!” I say

“You saw us?” he chuckles a little “well anyway as he was hot-wiring it Robin said something a long the lines of her not loving the idea of him driving. He looked at her and he said, and I quote 'Oh I'm just starting the sucker, Harrington's got her, don't ya big-boy' no one but you have ever called me that” he winks at me and I do have to blush

“Yeah... he was a nosy one. Needed all the dirt” I say smiling at the memory of Eddie sitting on this bed bouncing waiting for me to tell him how my night with Steve had been. “I'm sorry I told him that part” I say smiling up at him

“Hey, I loved it when you called me that. I didn't mind if he knew. We talked about you, him and me. I think that's where we really bonded” he says and he kisses the top of my head.

I'm so tired I'm feeling dizzy, I lay my head down on Steve's chest again and I fall asleep.

I dream that night. But it's a weird dream. I dream of Eddies funeral, I dream of the songs they played, who was there, what was said. I dream about people waiting outside to call him a freak and a murderer. I wake up while it's still dark outside. I have to ask Steve about some of these details, maybe I just relived something my mind couldn't handle at the time it really happened. I look up at Steve, he's sound asleep arms still around me. He's growing on me... I think to myself, I don't want him to. But I can't help it I am falling for him, or well I fell a long time ago. Eddie knew it, I was just in denial. “Damn you Munson” I mutter under my breath, always knowing me better than I knew myself. I lay back down and I actually fall back to sleep hugging Steve.

I'm woken up by dads voice in the morning. I stretch and I feel that the bed is empty and I feel that surge of panic in the pit of my stomach. I look at dad

“He had to go to work honey. It's Monday you know. He promised to be back tonight if you wanted him to. You want something to eat?” he smiles at me

“I... can I think about it? I don't feel hungry right now. I need the bathroom and then I'll come down stairs” I say and he nods

“Of course honey, you come down when you feel like it. I'm working from home today since I had to be there all night on a Sunday” he walks out and I hear him head down the stairs. I sit up on the edge of the bed, it's so painful being alone again. I didn't think I'd ever cherish someone's presence like this after Eddie. But I need Steve, I need him to be here with me. I try to get out of bed but my legs don't want to cooperate today...

“DAD!” I cry out and I hear him come running

“What honey? Something wrong?” he looks worried

“My legs won't hold today... I think yesterday was too much too soon.” I cry feeling so bad he has to help me again. But he just helps me up, letting me lean on him in to the bathroom.

“Ok sweetheart, call for me when you're done and I'll help you dress ok?” he says

“I think I wanna stay in bed again dad” my tears falling again

“Whatever you need honey, I'm just happy to have you talk to me again. Anything else is just a bonus.” he closes the door and I do what I needed to come in here for then I call for him to help me back to bed.

“Dad, could you please close the blinds. I can't with the sun today” I whisper

“Sure honey, you rest. I'll be up with something to eat in a bit.” he kisses my forehead and leaves

The rest of the day is darkness again, relentless darkness threatening to take over. My mind can't deal so it shut me off. I hear dad, but for some reason my voice gets caught in my throat and I can once again only nod or shake my head. It seems apparent I need Steve around.

“Ok, sweetheart. I won't bother you more today. I see yesterday really did wear you out. You'll be better tomorrow you'll see. You want me to tell Steve to come over when he calls?” he asks and I nod, I manage to whisper a thank you to him. I have no idea if I've slept or not. I think I was back in my shut-off mode again. But the day turns to evening and suddenly I feel someone getting in to the bed beside me holding me close

“Hey there, bad day today huh? I'm sorry I made you go yesterday, didn't think it would effect you this bad” Steve's back. I sigh

“Thank you for coming back” I whisper

“Sweetie, I told you. I'll be here as often as you need me to. Well ok I need to work but other than that. If you want me to move in here with you until you feel ok on your own I'll do that” he's stroking my back hugging me tight

“You'd do that?” I ask

“Yeah me and Martin talked about that now before I came up here. Martin thinks my presence calms you. You've slept with me here, you didn't before. It was him asking me if I would do it if you wanted me to.”

I think about if, having Steve here all the time when he's not working. Did I want that? The honest truth was I couldn't think of a single reason that I didn't want that.

“Steve” I look up at him “would you please be here all the time? Until I feel better?” I say

“Of course I will. I'll go get some stuff at home tomorrow after work and then I'm all yours for as long as you need me” he smiles “But what is this I hear about you not eating anything all day? Could you please come down stairs and have dinner with us. You can't recover if you don't have any energy sweetheart” his voice is soft but stern at the same time

“Ok, but you'll have to help me. My legs won't hold me today” I say

“I'll carry you if I have to you know that” he smiles

“No need to strain your back there old man I can walk if I have someone to lean on”

“Oh old man huh? So there's that tease I've missed so much. I'll show you how much of an old man I am” he says and he lifts me up and puts me over his shoulder like I'm just a fucking towel he draped over himself. He carries me like this all the way to the kitchen, making me actually laugh for the first time in months. He puts me down at the kitchen table and tells me to sit. Dad looks at me

“That was the best sound I've heard in months now honey. Thank you Steve”

“No problem Martin, this one here called me an old man...needed to show her how young and spry I still am” he chuckles

“Oh God, if he's an old man sweetie what the hell does that make me?” dad laughs and I can't not laugh with him.

“Hey dad” I say as the laughter dies down “Steve's gonna be here for a while...like all the time”

“Yeah? Ok that's good honey I can tell you need him. I know you try with me but I can't fill that spot like Steve can.” he takes my hand “so dinner? I made a carbonara like your mum used to make it”

“Oh, mums carbonara” I say and I can feel that I am actually hungry “sounds amazing dad”

We have dinner, Steve tells us about the team and how he's seen lamp posts that are more coordinated than some of these kids. Dad is very amused

“Don't be mean to the uncoordinated, we do the best we can” he chuckles

“The only descent kid I have is Lucas, and he's not even fully there. He's in his own mind most of the time. Mike tried out, did I tell you?” he asks and we both shake our heads “Yeah that was probably the saddest attempt at basketball I have ever witnessed. He's doesn't have two left feet...hell if I didn't see 'em I'd sworn he has NO feet. Disaster from beginning to end” he says and dad roars with laughter

“Poor Mike” I say but I can't help but giggle

When dinner is over Steve helps me in to the living room. He turns on the TV for me as he goes back to help dad clean up. The news is on

“We're live from the sleepy town of Hawkins, Indiana. Where only a few months ago disaster struck. An earthquake demolished this small town, leaving it almost entirely in ruins. But now 4 months down the road the town is back. Rebuilt and coming back from the horrors leading up to disaster. The weeks before the earthquake this small town was shaken to it's core as three high school students were brutally murdered. Chrissy Cunningham, Fred Benson and Patrick McKinney all slaughtered viciously by an unknown attacker. At first thought to be the work of a fellow student Edward Munson” and the they showed his picture, plastered all over the TV. I can't hear anything else I just whimper when I'm face to face with him. Even if it's just his picture. I feel like I'm falling, falling into an abyss of darkness. I hear dad and Steve, like they're miles away but still close

“What happened sweetheart? Hey honey? Emma?” I feel him shake me, but it doesn't feel real somehow

“Fuck... Martin look at the TV”

“Oh no... I knew they were shooting some kind of special they called me and asked me if I would say a few words about Eddie. I told them to fuck off”

“Here let me take her upstairs” I feel I'm being lifted off the couch and carried to my bed. Then nothing else, just darkness again.

I come to, the veils in my mind lift as suddenly as they fell. I feel better, more awake. This is when I realize Steve's arms around me. He's spooning me close and I can feel he's been dreaming. The pit of my stomach does a flip. Even in the state I'm in my body has a mind of it's own. I want him, I really do. I move a little, I just want to feel it against me. I hear from his breathing Steve's waking up. He presses his hard-on against my ass, his hands grip my tits. My breathing is getting heavier. Fuck I want this, I want him THAT close to me. I start grinding my ass against his dick feeling it getting even harder. Steve moans then I hear a gasp, he moves away from me

“Sorry... I need to...ehmmm... pee” he says and gets up and goes in to the bathroom. He's gone about 5 minutes. That pit in my stomach...yeah it falls out through my feet, down through the floor and doesn't stop until it fucking hits dirt under the house. So ok, I've become undesirable to him now? That's just great, I fall for him and he loses interest. Just like I thought it would be, “didn't I fucking tell you Munson?” I mutter out into the empty room.

“Did you say something?” Steve's back and he gets in tot he bed again.

“Nah, nothing important” I mumble

“You're feeling better?” he hugs me and I just want to tell him to fuck off but at the same time I know I need him.

“Well... I don't know how I'm feeling right this instant. I mean he was on the fucking TV last night Steve.”

“Ehmmm... Sweetheart that was a week ago, it's Sunday” I hear him say, I turn to him staring in to his eyes. He's got to be kidding?

“A week? I've been...shut off again for a week?” Steve just nods at me with a sad smile

“I've been here as soon as I got off from work, your dad's been taking time off to be here during the day. This was almost worse than before, we haven't even gotten you out of bed this time. I've carried you to the bathroom every evening and given you a bath. We've tried to get you to take fluids at least. Sweetheart I need you to talk to me, talk to someone this can't go on.” he's crying now

He's been giving me a bath every evening? No wonder he's put off by me... That would kill any flame that might have been flickering in him. I hang my head, I know he's right. I need to try to get through this. I will see his photo again, I will hear his name. I can't keep shutting down every time. It will kill me and I can't do that to dad, I just can't.

“Ok... I'll talk to someone. Not the ass that was here before though...find me someone else please” I say and Steve smiles through his tears.

“I'll find you as many people as I can until you find the right one. I promise” he pulls me in close to his chest and I draw a deep breath taking in the scent that is Steve. God this is so bad but yet feels so good. So a long as I keep it friendly I get to have him close. I'll learn to live with it, I've done it before. The one sided love is my thing...

“What time is it?”

“It's 10 am, why?” he says stroking my back

“I want to visit him”

“Are you sure that's a good idea, I mean this close to an...episode?” he's worried and I get that

“I don't think there will ever be a good time Steve, please”

“Fine...” he sighs “We'll get you up and in some clothes, get something to eat and then we''ll see how you feel. Ok?”

“Steve?”

“Yeah?” he says

“You really are the greatest you know that right? I know I haven't said it much and I sure don't show it but I do think you are” I look at him as he helps me get up in to a sitting position on the edge of the bed

“I... thank you Em. I would do anything for you, anything to make you feel better” he leans in and gives me a soft kiss. I want to cry, why does he have to do this. I know he didn't use the bathroom to pee before... it took too long. He was...helping himself deal with the situation in his pants. The thing he apparently doesn't want me to do for him. I draw a deep breath and I pull away from him

“Ok so clothes please” he looks like I hurt his feelings but he says nothing

“Sweats and a t-shirt ok?” he asks and I nod

“Comfy is the key here Steve” I say and he has to give me a quick smile. He helps me get dressed and get me down to the kitchen. “Where's dad?” I ask

“I think he had to go in to the office today, seeing as I'm here now and he can leave” Steve says as he makes me a sandwich and a cup of tea. I eat half the sandwich promising Steve to finish it when we get back. He gets me my jacket and my shoes and we go out to the car. It's a short drive from our house to the cemetery. Steve helps me out of the car and we walk towards the newer graves in the area. I see it before he can point it out. Someone's scribbled “FREAK” on the back of it with red paint.

“Still?” I say my voice a low growl

“Yeah... Some people will never change. We removed it in the beginning, now we just leave it.” he says and sighs

We round the headstone and I read

Here lies

EDDIE MUNSON

Beloved friend and son

*1966 +1986

Graduated with honour

I stare at the words as tears start falling quietly down my face

“Steve, could you please leave me for a while. I'll wave for you when you can come back?”

“Of course” he says puts a hand on the stone and I hear him whisper “I told you I'd get her to come visit man” then he walks over to a bench a bit away from me leaving me in front of Eddies grave. I manage to sit down on the ground in front of the stone. I put my hand on it

“Hey Ed, sorry it took so long. But you leaving me like that fucked me up, like real bad. I miss you so much sometimes I shut down. I've had one of those weeks now. Been completely out. No contact. Why the hell did you have to be a hero huh? I told you to not try and be one... but you never did listen to me did you? Feels so weird sitting here talking to you like this, I mean I know you're not down there. You're stuck in some alternate reality, probably waiting for someone to find you and bring you home. I'm going to try Ed, I promise. I think I can get Dustin to help, he looked like he thought of the same thing. We're going to find you Ed, find you and give you your actual final resting place, not that crappy piece of dirt in front of that trailer where Dustin had to leave you. I promise!

Then there's Steve... I know I told you I wouldn't, but I did fall for him. Just like you said I would if I gave him a chance, but I was right to you know. I fell for him and now he has no interest in me any more. Guess I finally won an argument with you freak. Fucking hell man, I miss your voice and your smile. There's this ache inside of me all the time. I saw you on the news a week ago, that's what triggered me shutting down. Steve thinks I need to talk to someone about you, but you know what. This, sitting here talking to you makes me feel better. Maybe you can be my therapist? I'll come here once a week and spill my mind to you? I know for a fact you won't tell anyone...” I sit there talking to him like he's still with me, pouring my heart out to a headstone in a cemetery. When I feel like I have nothing more to tell Eddie I turn and I wave to Steve. He comes up to me

“You feel ok? You've been sitting here touching his stone for quite a while now” he sounds so concerned

“You know what Steve, I needed this. I've been talking to him, telling him all the things that's been going on. I feel better Steve. I promise I do. Thank you for agreeing to take me here. Please help me up” I say and I hold out my hand. Steve takes it and carefully helps me to my feet. I wrap my arms around him and I kiss him. His fucking feelings be damned I think. At first he's just tense like a string on a guitar, then he relaxes and I actually feel him kissing me back. His hand sliding up my back to my neck. It's a long kiss and as we finally pull apart I whisper “well...if Eddie's somewhere looking down right now you better believe the fucker's cheering” Steve chuckles

“I bet... If that's what I get for taking you here I think we need to go at least once a day” he smirks. He takes my hand “you ready to leave, it's getting a bit chilly” I nod. As we walk past the stone he places a hand on it “see you later man, I'll be back. Like always” he fist bumps the stone and we walk to the car

“As always?”

“I stop by every day... Telling him how you're doing” he looks at me and my heart fills to the brim with undeniable love for this man

“I... you do that? Why?” I want to tell him right now how I feel, but I can't bring myself to ruin this

“Well... you haven't been able to. Someone needs to keep him in the loop, he loved you you know. Very much and he'd want to know how you're doing”

“I loved him I mean I still do, I think maybe a little too much even. Steve... I...”

“It's ok, he was my friend too you know. I never thought I'd like Munson, he was so different from me. But he was the sweetest soul I think I've ever met. The way his eyes lit up when he talked about you, sometimes it sounded like a sales pitch” he chuckles “and sometimes just the purest love”

“Don't you ever want to go back and try to find him and bring him home?” I need to ask

“Go back there? I mean for him, if I knew we could find him, and that there was anything to actually bring home. Maybe I might... But I don't think there is a way back now we killed Vecna. There's been no sign of the upside down since then, and Will's always been hyper sensitive to anything coming out of there. But since that day nothing, not even a tingle he says” Steve looks at me “NO! No fucking way Em, I can see what you're thinking. We're NOT trying to find a way in, especially not you in this state, you'd be the first to perish in there if something's still around” he stares me down

“Fine, I wouldn't know where to even begin looking so... I just can't deal with the thought of him all alone there.” I tear up Steve takes me in his arms

“I know sweetheart, I get that none of us want to think of that. But he isn't alone really. All the other's Vecna took are in there with him. Max saw them all. I know that's no comfort, not even a little bit. But still his body isn't the only one buried in there” Steve hugs me tight

“You suck at this” I smirk “but I didn't know that. It makes him seem a little less alone. Can we go home now? Get in to bed and hug for a bit?” I say

“Of course we can. You really do seem like you feel better Em. I didn't think talking to Eddie this way would do you any good. I'm sorry” he opens the car door for me and I get in, he walks around the car getting in the drivers seat

“Yeah, I didn't think talking to that stone would make any difference either. But... I felt like he was there listening to me. Sounds delusional I know but hey...if it helps right?” I say

“Absolutely, anything helping you I'm all for. Even if it's driving you to the cemetery to talk to a grave once a week or once a day. I'm here for you” he takes my hand and gives it a kiss as he drives us back home again. At this moment I feel like I could tell him and maybe, just maybe he'd feel the same. Then I think of this morning and my mind goes full stop, no point telling him he'd just walk away. Keep him close as a friend and love him regardless.

We snuggle down in bed after Steve gets me to eat the other half of the sandwich like I promised. He wraps his arms around me and I nuzzle into his chest. I drift off almost immediately, dreaming of the funeral again. I see myself writing on a piece of paper

“You LIED to me you fucking asshole. You said you'd be back. I HATE YOU!” and then I see myself throwing that piece of paper in the coffin alongside a whole bunch of similar papers. I wake up to my own sobs Steve worried sick trying to wake me up

“Emma, God what's wrong? What happened, we dozed off and I wake up to find you like this?”

“Steve... Did I write a letter to Eddie and put in his coffin? DID I?” I raise my voice in the end

“Yes, we didn't think you'd be able to or if you even took in what we asked you. But you scribbled something on a piece of paper and put it in. Why?”

“Did they play 'Master of puppets' at the service? Was his dad allowed time from jail so he could attend?” I ask

“Yeah... you remember the funeral?” he sounds confused

“I didn't before... I dreamt of it after you told me that it happened. Like my brain kept it from me until it felt safe to remember it. I know what I wrote Steve and I feel fucking awful” I cry again

“What sweetie, what did you write?” he's rubbing my arms kissing my head repeatedly

“I wrote that he lied to me, that he was an asshole and that I hated him... Steve I don't hate him how could I write that?” I sob

“You were so angry in the beginning. You don't remember? You had your calm days where all you did was strum on the guitar and look out the window. Other days you destroyed anything in your path. Haven't you noticed the mirror in here is gone, and all your breakable things?” I look around and I realize he's right

“I...broke them?” I ask

“Yeah... you threw them at me, at your dad, at Nancy, Dustin anyone daring to even try to mention his name. We thought for sure you'd trash the funeral home at the service. But you just shut off and barley existed during that whole time. That's why we were surprised you tried to write anything at all to him”

“How did you all tolerate me? How are you all even still around? How can you be...this good to me if I was like that to you?”

“Eddie wasn't the only one who loved you and calls you their friend Emma. We're all still around because we care about you. We even had Eleven try to get through to you once but you told her to fuck off and she didn't dare try again” he chuckles

“I did that? She was in my head and I told her to fuck off... oh my god I need to apologize to her. I like her... I didn't mean to” I feel like I'm about to panic, this is too much. I thought I was just...existing not doing anything. Seems I was wrong, it makes it so much more obvious why Steve wouldn't want anything to do with me like that any more. “I must have been a grade A bitch to you all?”

“Well... sometimes yeah. But you never insulted us at least. Probably because you never ever said a word to anyone. You just stared us down and threw things at us” he gives me a smile

“I can never take it back, and I can never make it right. But I am so sorry Steve. More than you'll ever know”

“Sweetheart, you were in so much pain, none of us could ever understand how much really. I didn't take it as an attack on me, I took it as a way to deal with the pain. I'm still here aren't I? If I took it to heart I'd be long gone, I think we all would.” he kisses my forehead and looks me deep in the eyes “I promise you I am not hurt ok?” then he kisses me for real, a deep emotional kiss “OK?”

“Ok... I believe you. But I still want to apologize to the rest of them” I say with a small voice

“Sure, we can go see Max if you want? I bet the majority of them are there. It's still kind of early. The visiting hours aren't over until 7.” Steve looks at me

“I would like that. Do I need to change maybe?” I say and Steve gives a small laugh

“Well considering you have some of the Hawkins cemetery plastered to your ass I'd say it's up to you”

“I what?” I pull my sweats off turning them over. On the ass I have a big dirt stain from sitting on the ground for 30 minutes talking to Eddie. “Aha... well ok then new pants it is” I say and I crawl over Steve making me straddle him for a second. I hear him moan and whisper under his breath

“Em... please what are you doing?” his hands have stopped me moving away by grabbing a hold on my hips pulling me in close to him.

“I was getting out of bed Steve... what are you doing?” I feel breathless

“I... I don't know...”

“Then don't think, just do Steve...” I whisper and I kiss him. His hands move on their own now, grabbing my ass pressing me in to his jeans. I moan and I sit up pulling my shirt over my head freeing my tits “please Steve... touch me” I whimper

“You sure? I mean... I don't want to make you feel bad in any way”

“Steve...we've done this before there's no way you can make me feel bad” he grabs my waist and spins me around on the bed so I end up on my back. He's all over me kissing me touching me. With almost a desperate side to him. His kisses trail down my body until they reach my inner thighs, then he sits up slightly grabs the waistband of my panties and rips them apart. I gasp, so forceful? He looks down at me

“So god damn perfect...” he growls and he plunges his face in between my thighs letting his tongue slide from my entrance all the way up my folds to my clit. He licks and sucks so desperately. Like he thinks he's never going to get the chance again. I feel him slide a finger in me finding the soft spongy part inside of me that makes my world spin.

“Fuck Steve... I'ma cum...” I groan, fuck I forgot how good this feels, how good he is at this. He hums his approval at my clit making such awesome vibrations sending me straight over the edge. I scream as the orgasm hits me like ton of bricks. As I'm panting trying to get my head back on straight Steve undresses faster than my brain can register. He's SO ready to go, pumping his massive dick with his hand

“I don't have a rubber Em... can I come on your tits?” he purrs at me

“Right now?” I ask feeling a little snubbed

“No... need to fuck you first” he murmurs staring at my pussy

“Then come on my tits all you want” I say and I raise my legs and put them on his shoulders. He lets out a deep growl as he positions the tip of his cock at my entrance and slides in through the wetness.

“Fuuuuuck Em, I've been dreaming of this ever since last time” he makes long deep thrusts after staying still for a moment letting me adjust to his size

“What the hell took you so long getting back in there then” I pant

“I'm a fucking moron” he growls as he picks up the pace holding my legs high kissing my ankles as he fucks me “fuuuuck close now...wanna sit up for me” he groans and pulls out rapidly. I let my legs fall to his sides and I sit up pressing my tits up against his balls. He moans a deep coarse sound as he paints my chest with his warm seed. Squirt after squirt hits my tits and I just stare at this amazingly handsome man towering over me dick in hand making the most delicious sounds ever. As he descends from his high he looks down at me

“Hey...” he smiles a warm smile at me

“Well hey yourself” I say as I drop my tits down to their natural place. “Cum here often?” I giggle

“Not as often as I would have liked to” he says leans down and kisses me. “Shower? Then hospital?” he mumbles into the kiss

“Well... I don't think I should go there trying to apologize covered in your cum. Might give the wrong impression” I smile

“Very true, so go a head ladies first” he says

“I think the ladies legs might need a minute, so you go first and I'll try to wake myself up so I don't fall over” I say and he nods and gets out of bed. I feel... happy... haven't felt that feeling in a long time. Granted it's “just” an orgasm happy but still, small wins I think. Steve comes out of the shower, looking like a million bucks only wearing towel around his waist.

“How are the legs? Up for the challenge or do you need help?” he holds out his hand. I take it and stand up, feeling a little wobbly but not too bad. He eyes my naked body “wow” he sighs “sorry 'bout the panties” he smiles

“No worries, I have more than one pair. Don't do it every time though then I might need to start shopping” I giggle and he turns quiet and serious

“Not sure this was a good idea Em... I mean I really liked don't get me wrong but”

“Sure... I get it. Occasional hook-up, don't mention it. I take back that joke, apparently not appropriate” I say and head in to the bathroom locking the door behind me. I step in to the shower and I let the warm water wash away the shame and the tears burning a hole on the inside. When will I ever learn? I get out, feeling somewhat better. I look in the mirror... Get a fucking grip you knew this was coming, you knew it a year ago. Don't be a fool. I lecture my reflection and I curse Eddie for putting ideas in my head about Steve maybe liking me back. I look up at the ceiling “See you freak... I was fucking right all along” I take a deep breath and I unlock the door. Steve's gone, I hear him down in the kitchen. Probably heating up some food for us before we leave for the hospital. I get dressed, and I try to make my way down on my own. I get halfway down the stairs and I have to sit down. The room is spinning. I sit there when Steve comes out probably to check if I'm done in the shower

“What the hell Em, you should have called for me. You ok?” he hurries up to me

“Yeah I'm fine, besides I might need to learn to do this on my own at some point right? You're not gonna be around forever” I can hear my voice sounding a bit more frosty than I meant it to.

“Oh... Well I guess not. But I am here now you know” he takes my hand and it feels like it's burning my skin. I can't help my reaction I flinch slightly as he touches me. His eyes look sad and he takes a deep breath “Ok, up” he says to me and helps me to my feet “I've made some food. Thought we might need some energy before heading out again” he glances over at my face and I nod

“You're probably right. Thanks” I say. We eat in silence, I don't know what to say to him that's not going to trigger another bad or weird reaction. I thank him for dinner and I go to get my shoes and jacket on as he clears the plates. We head over to the hospital, also in silence. We get there and this time there's more of them here. I see Eleven first thing as I enter. I go straight up to her and give her a long hug

“I'm so sorry El, I never meant to say that to you. Not in my mind or any other time” she smiles at me

“I know that Emma... But you're a scary girl when you're angry and I've blown up Vecna” she giggles I smile at her then I turn to the rest of them

“I want to apologize to all of you. Steve told me I was...angry in the beginning. I had no idea. I think my mind has hidden things from me it doesn't think I need to deal with just yet. Just trust me when I say I didn't mean any of the angry looks or the throwing things at you”

“We know Em, we know. Anger is a part of it, you don't think I've been furious with myself for letting him go alone? I've been drowning in self loathing, but it doesn't change a thing. He's not coming back and there is no good in hating myself, he made his decision. He was fully intent on coming back to you I know that. He just... wanted to help them” Dustin motions towards Steve, Robin and Nancy who are huddled in the corner watching me

“I went to see his grave... It's beautiful, I talked to him. Made me feel better, I got to tell him off for leaving me. Thank you for not giving up on me... on us” I look over at Max “for not giving up on us” I hug Dustin and I whisper in his ear “meet me tomorrow at the cemetery please” He hugs me back and I feel him give a little nod.

I sit there next to Max's bed talking to her for a while, telling her about the conversation I had with Eddie. I know all the others are listening to me but I don't care. I'm talking to Max, not them. As I get up to leave I feel the whole room spin and I pass out.

When I come back again there's full chaos. They're all trying to help, there's a nurse and a doctor hovering over me. I'm lifted up by Steve and put on a bed that's been rolled in to the room. Everyone is talking over each other. I try to take Steve's hand, he looks down at me tears in his eyes

“Hey...you're awake...”

“Can you...make them quieter?” I whisper

“HEY!” the room falls quiet “she's awake. Keep it down please” he says in a low voice

The doctor looks at me

“Ms Lundberg, I'm Doctor Williams. Can I ask you, has the room been spinning lately? You feel like you might pass out?”

I nod “Yeah, a couple of times.” I admit

“Well, your blood pressure is dangerously low. And your blood sugar levels are also lower than I would like to see. You need to start getting out moving your body on a more regular basis. And you need to start eating, proper meals. Begin with maybe 5 or 6 small meals throughout the day. This isn't good for your recovery. Your friends have told me about the resent struggles in your life.” he says “I would like to give you the number of a friend of mine that's a good therapist, specializing in trauma. Also I will be filling a prescription for a low dose anti anxiety medication, it might help getting you out of bed and moving around more. Take short walks around the house. Are you ok with this Ms Lundberg?”

“Ehm, yes sir I am. Thank you” I say, not knowing what else to say. He seems friendly and willing to help me. I need, if not for anything else but for dad, try to accept help given to me. I know this and somewhere inside of me Eddie's voice is telling me to get his weirdo back in shape. Steve's standing next to me holding my hand listening to the doctor, nodding along to the information.

“Maybe you can get your boyfriend here to help you take one longer walk a week” the doctor says looking at Steve

“I'm not...” “He's not” we say in chorus

“Oh, I'm sorry. You just seemed so close” the doctor gives us an apologetic smile

“It's ok doc. It's just not the case” Steve says without so much as a look at me and my heart drops. He can't be making things any more clear can he? I make up my mind here and now. I need to talk to Dustin tomorrow and get the ball rolling. The doctor gives me some further instructions, tells me that I can get my prescription by tomorrow morning, then him and the nurse leaves.

“Can you drive me home now Steve?” I say

“Of course Em.” he smiles at me “I'll go get the car closer to the entrance then I'll be back to get you , ok?”

“Sounds like a good idea.” I smile back at him but the smile isn't reaching my eyes I can tell by the way Robin and Nancy look at me. I sit up in the bed and I look at Steve's back as he leaves. The two girls come up to me and sit down on either side of me

“Ok, what is this? Something's happening with the two of you. C'mon spill” Robin says

“I...” I contemplate lying to them just to be left alone, then I change my mind “I fucking love him ok... But like I told Eddie last year as soon as I develop feelings I become uninteresting to the other part. So now I'm...nothing to him”

“You're not nothing to him Emma, do you think he'd stay with you like he does if you were?” Nancy looks at me

“Ok, maybe not nothing. But I'm not what I want to be to him ok. I'll be fine being his friend if he could keep it friendly ALL the time. But then he goes and does that crap he did this afternoon and everything's worse again...” I sigh

“What? What did he do? Do I need to kick his ass? Because I will!” Robin says

“Nah, that sounded worse than it was. We... you know...” I blush “this afternoon after I visited Ed and before we came here. I thought that maybe... maybe I meant more to him than just a friend. But as soon as we were done he regretted it and said it was a bad idea. So, yeah... I'm fucked. In the bad way” tears threaten to spill over. I can tell the two girls are looking at each other over my head

“You sure he doesn't feel the same? Have you actually asked him Emma? Talked about this with HIM?” Nancy takes my hand

“I can't deal Nance, my mind can't handle the actual rejection ok. This afternoon threw me for a loop and almost made me spiral again. I don't wanna dig deeper into it. I just need to find a level ground with him. But then he does or says these wonderful things and my heart melts for him.” I give them a smile “Eddie did tell me I would fall in love with Steve if I gave him a chance. I hate that he was right... but then again I was right to when I told him that by the time I would love Steve he'd lose interest in me. I never won an argument with him when he lived...guess I had to wait for him to...” I can't form the word “before I could win one” Robin hugs me tight

“Don't give up on Steve, that dingus has always been slow” she giggles

“I think there are things in this he isn't sharing with you Emma. I'll do some discrete digging in this. See if I'm right in my suspicions. But I agree with Rob, don't give up on him” Nancy smiles at me

“Ok, I guess. I'm just...so broken. I can't handle this crap” I sigh and they tell me they understand. We sit there in silence until Steve gets back and helps me down to the car. He drives me home and helps me inside.

“So living room or bed?” he asks

“Been a long day Steve, I think bed” I say. He helps me up the stairs in to the bathroom where I get ready for bed. I go out and I crawl down under the covers. Fully expecting him to come join me like every night. He stands there looking at me

“Ehmmm... I need to go Em” he sighs

“What? You're not...staying with me?” my voice is barely there

“I'm sorry... I can't tonight. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise.” he looks uncomfortable where he's standing looking at the floor not me

“Steve... Do you have a date or what?” I ask not really wanting to know the answer. He just looks up at me with a sad expression on his face “Oh... Ok say no more. I'll be alright then. Have fun, close the door when you leave” I say and I turn to face the window.

“I'm... sorry” I hear him whisper then the door closes and he's gone. So fucking much for being here for me as long as I needed him I think. Feeling both angry, heartbroken and sad I start crying, heart wrenching sobs that I can't control. I feel the darkness creeping in around me, threatening to make me spiral out of reality again. NO! Hell no, I'm not going to let another guy push me in to that place. It was bad enough Eddie had to be a fucking hero and destroy me in the process. I am not going to let Steve destroy me as well. I take a deep breath and I sit up in the bed. I look around, what can I do to keep my mind occupied? I see Eddies guitar leaning against the wall. I get out of bed and I sit in my chair in front of the window and I take the guitar and I play. I play every cheesy love song I can think of and I sing. I sing to myself, I sing to Steve and I sing to Eddie. The last song I play is the one slow song I know Eddie secretly loved. “Forever Young” by Alphaville. I know he loved it because every time it came on the radio I could see him singing along to the lyrics, he'd never admit it though.

“Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while

Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies

Hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever

We don't have the power, but we never say never

Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip

The music's for the sad man

Can you imagine when this race is won?

Turn our golden the faces into the sun

Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune

The music's played by the, the madman

Forever young

I want to be forever young

Do you really want to live forever?

Forever, and ever”

Tears falling down my face I sing and play his guitar, thinking back at all the times I teased him for knowing every word to this song

“Eddie... I Love you so much” I say out loud into the darkness outside my window. The guitar falls out of my hands and hit the floor as I cry for Eddie, I cry for Max and most of all I cry for the love I have for Steve that's never going to happen. I don't know how long I've been crying when I hear dad come in to my room, kneeling beside me

“Honey? What's wrong? What happened today?” he's stroking my back trying to get me to answer but I can't I just cry and cry. He picks me up and sits down in the chair putting me in his lap like he did when I was little, rocking me stroking my hair telling me all will be ok at some point. We sit there for I don't know how long. The crying won't stop until there are no more tears left in me I feel completely drained. Dad gets up and puts me down on my bed, pulling the covers over me. He kisses my forehead and whispers “please try to rest honey, we can talk in the morning” I manage a small nod at him then I close my eyes and drift off into a deep dreamless sleep, my body and my mind too exhausted to care if I'm alone or not.

When I wake up it's 7 am. I feel...different. Like I'm ok, or well ok-ish. Like that last night was the breaking point. I sit up and I decide that today is the day I start dealing with this shit that is life. If he can move on that easily so can I. Why love a man that won't ever love me back? I try to get out of bed, it's working today. I get to bathroom all on my own. I shower and I get dressed. I need to go shopping, this won't do. I look down at myself. Every piece of clothing I own is ill fitted these days, everything is baggy. I take a deep breath and I begin to tackle the stairs, I feel like such a rock star when I manage to get downstairs without having to call for help. Dad's in the kitchen reading the newspaper, he looks up when I enter

“Honey? Did you get ready and get down here all on your own or has Steve come in without me noticing?” he says

“All on my very own, I don't think Steve will be here until later, if at all” I say and he looks at me confused

“What? I thought he came back after I went to sleep... He said he had to go home for a bit before I came up to your room last night” dad says and now I'm the one confused

“He left long before that dad” I say

“No, we sat on the stairs listening to you sing up there. Then when you stopped and...well told Eddie you love him, that's when Steve said he needed to go home but that he'd be back” I came up maybe 10 minutes later

“But I was singing for like what an hour? It was like 30 minutes from him leaving until I began singing. You mean to tell me he sat on the stairs... all that time?” my mind isn't getting this

“Well I guess, I came home maybe 10 minutes before we heard you start to sing. He was still here then at least. Why...what happened sweetheart?” dad says

“Did he tell you what happened at the hospital?”

“Yes he did, good that it happened there and not anywhere else. I mean not good...you know. So? Are you going to call that therapist or?” dad looks at me

“Yeah I actually think I will. I promised Steve I'd talk to someone, so I guess I'll begin by giving this one a go first” I say and I feel I mean it. I am going to call

“That's good sweetheart, but talking of Steve...honey...”

“I don't know dad. I thought he might feel about me the way I feel about him... but no he doesn't. He had a date last night...or so he told me. That's what happened last night. It all came crumbling down. But that crying dad, it... helped. I feel more sane and put together today than I have since before Eddie died” this was the first time I said the word out loud and it didn't make me sick to my stomach uttering them. Dad knows this and he looks at me waiting for the break

“I'm ok dad, he died...and I need to be able to say that and accept it. Step one is to call that therapist. But first I also needed to start eating the doc told me. 5 or 6 small meals a day. But real food not like sandwiches and things like that. So... does oatmeal count as food you think? I actually feel like eating that”

Dad is just staring at me, I get it. The difference between yesterday and today is so apparent a blind person could see it.

“Yeah I mean oatmeal is most likely considered food. At least a breakfast food. I can make you some if you'd like?” dad says

“Thanks that would be great, I'm going to find the note with the telephone number on it and make that call before I change my mind” I say and I go look for my jacket. I find the card with the number on it and I head in to dads office to have some privacy. I dial the number

“This is Doctor Carter” a very warm female voice answers

“Hello, my name is Emma Lundberg. I got this number yesterday from Doctor Williams at Hawkins memorial. I had a bit of an incident there yesterday and he thought I might want to talk to you” I say thinking this is the only way I could explain it

“Yes, hello Emma. He did call me yesterday telling me he met you. He gave me a short backstory to see if I thought I might be able to help. But that is not the way I would put it, I would like to know if YOU think coming to talk to me would help you” she's already 100 times better than the ass they sent here before.

“I think I am ready to try and accept help yes.” I say

“That sounds good Emma, I like that you put it that way. I have an appointment available tomorrow at 2, would that work for you? Better start as soon as possible I say” she sounds very calm and friendly

“Tomorrow at 2? Ok, that works for me. What's the address?” she tells me where to go and we hang up. I get back to the kitchen dad's setting the table for us

“Mind if I eat with you? I'm heading in to the office in about 20 minutes.” he says as he serves the oatmeal he made in a small bowl for me

“Sure dad, of course why would you need to ask?” I smile “So I have an appointment with doctor Carter tomorrow at 2. I'll see if Nancy might be able to drive me, I think she said she only has work until 1 on Tuesdays.” I tell dad and he smiles

“Wow that was fast, so how did he or she sound?”

“She... she sounded calm and friendly. Understanding, I think she might be a good pick” I say as I eat

“Amazing sweetheart! Well if Nancy can't drive you then I can take a late lunch and come home to drive you there if someone might be able to come pick you up when you're done. You can tell me tonight what arrangements you make. But sorry I have to leave now, I'll deal with cleaning up when I get home. Just remember to eat more today. Steve told me about the food thing last night so I made 4 smaller containers with food that are in the fridge for you to heat up during the day. Then we'll have dinner when I get home tonight. Sound ok?” he kisses my cheek

“Awesome dad, thank you” I say. Dad leaves and I sit there thinking for a while. Then I get up from the table and I clean up after us. Why would he have to do that when he gets home, I can do it. So what else was there? I think. Small walks around the house, use my body more. I put my shoes on and I take my jacket. I know the doctor might have meant me walking inside, like around the living room but I want fresh air. I make it two times around the house before I feel I need to sit down for a bit. It's sunny and quite warm out today so I sit down on the stairs looking out over the street. So much time has passed but it still feels like no time passed. I'm just waiting to hear that god-awful sound Eddies beat up old van made as he took the last bend in the road up here. I laugh, fuck I hated that van, but he loved it. If I knew I could make it I would walk to the cemetery to talk to him. I feel like I'm about to cry, but I think I ran out of tears all I can manage is a dry sob. I look up at the sun.

“Yeah... If I knew where that old hunk of junk was now I'd buy it and get that damn license so I could fix her up and keep the spirit going Ed” I say up to the clouds. I hear a car honk and I look out in to the street. I see a car pull in, I don't recognise it. But I do know the guy in it!

“Gareth! Oh my god HI!” I get up from the stairs and head over to the car. He gets out and we hug “How are you man? How's school?”

“Hey Em, schools...empty without you guys” he says

“Yeah I always was the light of that place wasn't I?” I smile “You wanna come in? I've just been out for a walk”

“Nah, I was heading back to school and I saw you. Thought I'd stop and say hello. Maybe some other day?” he says and I have an idea

“Could I get a ride to the cemetery please? I was just sitting here thinking I'd like to go see Eddie... But I can't really walk that far yet” I say, I assume everyone knows how bad off I'd been

“Yeah... sure. I was there yesterday, I tell him my ideas for campaigns.” he gives me a sad smile

“I bet he loves that wherever he is. He probably as a lot of opinions too” I smile back at him

“Probably” he chuckles

“I'll just get my keys and I need to leave a note. Be right back” I say and I head inside. I write a note and leave on the table right as you enter.

“Hey, got a ride with Gareth to see Ed, please come pick me up -Em”

I know Steve might check in on me at lunch. That's like 2,5 hours from now. Otherwise I'll just ask someone I see at the cemetery for a ride home. I lock the door and join Gareth in the car.

“Thanks for this man, I need to sort out my own license. But you know...been a bit off lately” I say

“Yeah...we've all heard. We're so sorry Em, you feeling better now or is it like a day by day thing?” he asks as we drive off

“I feel better actually. I think I hit a breaking point yesterday evening. Woke up today and decided that I need to start dealing with this shitty existence. Me being crappy isn't helping anyone. So... Hellfire still up and running then I guess? Since you said to talk to Ed about campaigns.” I look at him

“Yeah... We're still going...well not strong but we're ok. If you feel like it we still play in the same place every Thursday at 6.” he says

“You know what Gareth, I think I might actually join you some time. I miss you guys” when I say it I feel that it's true. I do miss Hellfire and I do miss the guys in it. “So who's in it besides you? I guess Mike, Dustin and Lucas are still in?”

“Yeah, I took dm when you guys...weren't around any more. So it's us 4 then Will joined when they moved back, also Erica is a member now. Then there's this kid called Elias that Erica brought. He's decent. But we do miss you guys” he says

He stops the car at the gates to the cemetery, I get out and thank him for the ride. Promising him to come to a Hellfire game soon. I start walking the path towards Eddies grave. Someone's there already, I look at the time. But? It's a school day it can't be...

“Hey Dustin, why aren't you in school?” I say as I get there

“Oh, hey. Free period. I come here when I have 'em. Hoped I'd see you here today, since you said that thing at the hospital yesterday” he says “wanna sit?” he has a blanket on the ground and he moves over making room for me

“Thanks... Hey Ed” I say and I pet the stone in front of me

“So... am I right in thinking you wanna try to find him?” I hear Dustin say the second I sit down

“Right to the point Henderson I appreciate that. Yeah... I can't fucking stand the idea of him spending eternity stuck there. I just can't, but Steve won't help me, I'm guessing neither will Rob or Nance. So either I do this alone or...”

“Hell no, I'll help. Can't stand that I had to leave him... I owe it to him to get him out” a tear falls from his eyes

“So how do we do this? Have you got any clue if there are any gates still around?” I sit and look at the headstone with his name in bold letters

“The lake one isn't an option, neither is the one under the lab. Don't think that one even exists any more. The best thing would be if the one where the trailer park was is still around. We'd be coming in at the right spot. He...died right there” Dustin struggles getting the word out just like I did.

“Dustin... Can you tell me his last words? I've been wanting to ask but I couldn't get myself to do it” I say. Dustin's eyes fill with tears and he stares at the headstone in front of us for a minute or so before he starts talking

“I sat there holding him, he was bleeding so bad Emma. You could barely make out the words. But he said 'I didn't run away this time right?' I told him no he didn't. Then he told me I had to look after the little sheep for him. Then he said 'I think I'm actually gonna graduate, I think this is my year Henderson, it's finally my year. I love you man' then he stopped breathing” Dustin is crying now

“That's beautiful Dustin... So he died being him at least” I say

“Yeah he died smiling at me” he sobs

I sit there holding Dustin as he cries out his pain “I'm sorry I asked you to tell me...” I whisper feeling bad I made his day so much worse

“No, it's ok. I need to let it out is what mum tells me. But I want to get him Emma...he can't stay there he just can't” he looks at me

“I couldn't agree more Henderson, I couldn't agree more” I say. I look at my watch “I like sitting here with you but I think you might need to get back to school am I right?” I say

“Yeah you're right. Can I come over this weekend? We can...make plans” he asks as he gets up

“Sure, I'll be there. Wait you'll need your blanket” I say and attempt to get up

“Nah, I'll get it this weekend. You stay here with him a while” he says and walks away

I watch him go and then I turn my attention to the stone

“Hear that Ed, you're so loved. Bet you didn't expect that huh? Not bad for the resident freak. So we're coming to get you, you heard that right? I don't know when but soon I hope. I'll start taking this walking thing real serious and train more and more every day so I'll have the strength when the day comes. Can't really ask Steve or any of the other s to drive us... Sorry I'm yelling at you about Steve... But I DID tell you this would happen, fucker's gone and started dating. Yeah...so we did it again after we visited you last time. Then he was real quick with the regret...but I love him man. Can't help it... If you're around somehow...would you help me? Send me someone else to obsess about or I don't know make me forget Steve.” as I'm talking I'm stroking the cold stone “and I never ever meant what I wrote on that note you know that right? I was just so hurt you left me like this. We we're moving to Sweden together for fucks sake... Now what am I going to do? Can't bring you with me like this...” the tears I thought were all dried up start trickling down my face “Why the hell did you have to go and get yourself killed Ed? What was the point? How am I going to do any of this shit without my freak?” I hear footsteps in the gravel behind me then someone sits down next to me and puts their arm around me. I needn't look I can tell by the scent it's Steve. I take a deep breath and enjoy his smell, there's no denying it I'm screwed.

“Hey” I say

“Hey Em... Eddie man” he fist bumps the stone “saw the note, how's the talk been today?”

“Good...it's been good. He's a better listener dead...” I say and I hear Steve gasp

“Yeah...decided I need to start saying it out loud. Hit a breaking point last night. Called that therapist this morning, meeting her at 2 tomorrow. Promised Gareth I'd come join Hellfire some night. Been walking, two laps around the house.” I catch him up

“Wow, Em. That's great... What changed?” he asks and I just look at him

“Seriously Steve?”

“What?” he's silent for a second then “Oh...that...me” he looks down at his hands

“Have a good night? After you and dad took in my concert? He told me you didn't leave when you said you did... What the fuck Steve?” I'm getting angry now

“I'm so sorry, I don't know how to talk about some things with you. I...have issues of my own” he says

“Yeah, we all have issues man. But promising me to always be there if I need you and then just leave without an explanation. Really Steve? Why pester me about needing to talk when you're not going to do that yourself? I mean stop with the god damn mood swings Steve. You're giving me whiplash. Be there for me or leave me alone. If you met someone just tell me instead of telling me us fucking was a bad idea, that shit hurt bad Steve” I feel myself giving up now, the ball is in his court I'm done

“I AM here for you, just...with all you've been through now, how do I tell you stuff like that? I couldn't deal with everything that happened yesterday so I chickened out and I left you. I felt so fucking bad I stayed on the stairs trying to get the nerve to go back up to you. Then your dad came home and you began to sing. I couldn't ruin that so we listened to you and then I needed to clear my head so I went home. I'm a piece of shit for doing that when I did promise to always be there for you.”

“Well... It's up to you from now on. I have no energy left, I want you to be there with me, but I can't have you doing that to me. So what's it gonna be Steve? Are you going to talk to me when things get to be too much or are we ending this friendship right now?”

“I don't want to lose you Em, can we start over? Can we please try to find a way to talk about everything? I feel like there are things you're not telling me either” he says and I stay quiet. Do I tell him and risk him just going against everything he just said or do I set him free...

“We can try Steve. I mean I love...this friendship” I say “Ok, so... Drive me home? I guess you need to be back at work soon? Will you be back tonight or?” I say

“I'll be there, as soon as I'm off work. Here I'll help you up, hey smart move bringing a blanket this time” he says smiling at me as he takes my hand and helps me up from the ground

“Nah that's Henderson's. He was here when I arrived. He's coming over this weekend so he told me to just keep it until then” I say

“Ah, ok. How was he? I haven't seen him around school today”

“He was sad...or well I kinda made him sad” I say and I feel bad “I asked him what Eddie said to him before he died. He told me, I shouldn't have asked...I feel rotten for making him cry” I look at Steve

Steve hugs me “Don't feel bad, crying is good. But I understand you feeling bad for asking if it made him cry”

“Yeah, but I feel a little better knowing he was Eddie all the way to the end. The last thing he said to Dustin besides that he loved him was that it was finally his year. So this line right here” I point at the last thing written on the stone “this is so fitting and it makes me happy for him somehow” I say

We both say our good byes to Eddie and we leave the cemetery.

“Hey you're walking a lot better today sweetheart. Did you eat though?” Steve says as we reach the car

“I had oatmeal with dad this morning, I'm late eating lunch now. I didn't plan this trip today. I would have made a snack to bring but it slipped my mind when Gareth said he was leaving. But I have meals ready at home so I'll eat first thing I promise” I say as I get in the car

“Good girl!” Steve says and those two words send a shiver down my spine... why the hell was that so hot?

“Uhmm... thanks” I actually blush, fucking hell...why can't I act normal? Luckily as soon as he said it Steve turned around and went around the car to the drivers seat so he didn't notice me blushing over those two little words.

We head home and I do as I promised and I heat up one of the meals dad left me and I sit down in front of the TV. Steve goes back to work and I'm alone again. I watch some game show as I eat my food. I clean up after myself in the kitchen and I decide to make some tea and go out and sit on the porch again. It was nice getting fresh air. I sit there until it's starting to get chilly. I go inside again and I heat up another meal. I figured out that if I eat now there's another 3 hours until dad gets home, I'll have dinner with him then and I can eat one more of these before bed. Then I would have eaten 5 times today. “Hey Ed, high five freak” I say out loud chuckling feeling kinda good about myself.

Around five I hear a car door close and I assume it's dad coming home early but it's actually Steve.

“Oh, hey didn't think I'd see you until later” I say from the couch as he comes in the door

“Hey, I told you I'd be back when I was off work.” he sounds a little hurt

“Sorry, just thought you might have other things to do... not just keep a weirdo company. I mean I would very much appreciate if you'd be here for sleep...but I can't ask you to spend every minute here other than that. You need to have a life Steve” I say as he comes in and sits down with me

“Hey... I want to be here with you. Now shut up and come here” he holds out his arm for me to lean in against him. I take a deep breath and I move over and cuddle up against him on the couch. He smells so good it makes me want to cry. I lean in close and put my head on his chest. Instant comfort, and I fall asleep to the sound of the TV and Steve's heartbeats. I'm woken up by Steve softly shaking me

“Hey, no more nap now. You'll want to sleep tonight to” he smiles at me

“Wow... Didn't even feel that tired. How long was I out?” I ask

“Just about 30 minutes” he's very smiley

“What's so funny?” I say

“What? Nothing...you're just very cute...and you talk in your sleep by the way” he chuckles but something in his eyes makes me think he's sad

“I do not... do I?” I dread what I might have said

“You do, don't worry you were only talking about...or perhaps to Ed. You really do love him” he says

“Oh, well yeah I do. He was the best thing to ever happen to me” I say and I notice that sad look in his eyes again

“He was lucky he found you” Steve says and gets up “I need to pee and then I think it's time to make dinner. Should we surprise Martin? He's home in about 20 minutes”

“Yes let's do that! I'll go look what we can make” I say and get off the couch

“Look at you all spry again. What am I going to do with you now if I don't have carrying you around as a job any more?” he laughs as he goes in to the bathroom

“Oh I can think of something” I say under my breath as I go in to the kitchen

We decide to make chicken and rice with vegetables. Making enough so that we all get lunch in the morning as well. We laugh and talk as we cook. Like there was no weird tension between us earlier. When dad comes home we're sitting at the table, Steve winks at me and when he hears dad call

“Hey honey, you awake?” Steve calls back to him

“Welcome home sweetheart, dinner's ready” and we laugh

Dad comes in to the kitchen sees us laughing, food ready on the table and he just stares

“Wow, this is amazing. That episode last night really did make something change didn't it sweetheart. You look like a whole different person today” he kisses my head and I look over at Steve who's frowning

“Episode last night?” he says

“You haven't told him? Honey...” dad sounds surprised

“I'll tell you later, ok. Lets just eat before it gets cold” I say feeling bad for not telling Steve about my meltdown the night before

“Ok, please do” he says and I can hear he's a bit annoyed considering our conversation at the cemetery

Dinner is pleasant with good food and good conversation. Dad asks if Nancy could give me a ride and I panic

“God I forgot to call her, Gareth stopped by and I caught a ride with him to the cemetery” I explain “then I fell asleep for a little while when Steve came from work” I'll go call her now hold on. I go to the office and I sit down and call Nancy

“Wheeler residence”

“Hello Mrs Wheeler it's Emma. Is Nancy available?”

“Emma, oh sweetheart how good to hear your voice. Yes she's right here hold on”

“Hey Em, what's up” I hear Nancy say

“Hey, so did I get it right that you're off work at 1 on Tuesdays?” I ask

“Yeah, why?”

“Could I bother you for a ride tomorrow? I need to be at my new therapist's office at 2” I say

“Of course, I'll come pick you up straight from work no problem. How long is your appointment?”

“I think 1 hour” I say

“Ok then I'll run some errands and wait for you.”

“Thank you! You're the best.” I smile

“Oh I know, would you tell my boss though. Might make him pay me enough so I can move out soon” she giggles and I hear Mrs Wheeler mutter something in the background about ungrateful kids

“Yeah give me his number and I'll give him one kick-ass sales pitch” I laugh “See you tomorrow then Nance. Night”

“Night Em” we hang up and I go back to the kitchen

“So Nancy is picking me up when she's off work and then she said she'd wait for me to finish and drive me home as well” dad smiles

“She's so kind. I was having some issues getting time off to drive you myself. I would have made it work but this is much better” he says

“So what? I'm just here because I'm pretty to look at” Steve chuckles

“You work sweetie, remember the uncoordinated lamp posts?” I say and pet his arm

“Riiiight...them...” he smiles

That night was I crawl in to bed waiting for Steve to come upstairs I dread the conversation we're about to have. What am I going to tell him? That I cried my eyes out until I had no more tears for 3 hours straight because he left me... I decide I might as well tell him part of the truth at least. He comes up about 20 minutes after me, I'm almost asleep already

“Hey, move over you're hogging the bed” he says and gets in under the covers next to me

“Mmmmm...warm...sleepy” I say as he lies down behind me and wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer

“Cute girl” he whispers “but we need to talk just a little before we sleep, ok?”

“Ok...sorry... ok awake now” I shake my head

“So, don't hate me but I asked Martin what happened last night. Why did you cry so hard for 3 hours and not call me?”

“Because I cried over you leaving in the first place” I say quietly

“You...cried over me? Emma, turn around please” I turn so that I'm facing him “but why? And for the record I did not TELL you I had a date...you assumed because I didn't say anything”

“Over you, Max...Eddie... But that silence spoke louder than words Steve, I'm not saying you can't have a life. I just want to know... You said there was a lot for you to deal with yesterday, well news flash genius... it was the same for me. The fact that you so obviously regretted what we did before leaving to go see Max, well it did nothing to help an already bruised mind.”

“Regret... You think I regret us having sex?” he's staring at me

“Well... Telling me it was nice BUT and also that it was a bad idea... Steve c'mon” I say

“That wasn't regret...”

“Then what the hell was it?”

“Call it self preservation... But Emma, I don't regret it for a second. Please believe that, I just need more time before I can fully talk to you about this. Will you give me that?” I look at him, study that face that I love so deeply. He's as withdrawn as me I think. Well I can't ask him to tell me every single thought when I can't even admit my feelings to him

“Ok, I'll give you all the time you need. If you do me the same favour” I say. He looks deep into my eyes and he leans in and kisses my forehead

“Thank you” he whispers “regret having sex with you” he huffs “I'd be a fuckin idiot if that'd be true”

I smile, ok so that at least sounded true. But there is something he isn't telling me and I have a feeling it's something very important. But I just promised to give him time so I'd better hold my self to that. I turn over again and Steve puts his arm around me and pulls me in to his chest and we fall asleep.

I get woken up by Steve kissing my head

“Good luck today, I hope this therapist is good. Tell me all about it tonight, ok?”

“I hope so too, thank you Steve. Have a good one with the lamp posts” I smile at him and I stretch

“Fuck me you look so good when you do that” Steve grunts and then he leaves before I can say anything.

As I get up and take a shower my nerves start to get to me, what will today be like? How hard is this woman going to push me? What is she expecting me to tell her? These thoughts simmer in my brain until right before me and Nancy reach the therapist's office at 10 to 1.

“Ok, good luck. I'll be back here at 3. Then I'll wait if you're not done yet.” Nancy says and gives my arm a rub

“Thank you Nance... See you later”

At 3:15 I come out from the office feeling lighter in my own mind. I see Nancy's car and I go over to it and get in

“So? I'm curious, sorry” she smiles at me “wanna go grab a coffee and talk?” she asks

“Sure, that's be nice” I smile back at her

We head for one of the cafés in town. Sitting down outside, it's still quite warm outside.

“Ok, so. This woman is amazing. She listens to you as you speak, and she didn't once say that it'll get easier with time. She says grief MUST take it's own time, you can't try to hurry it. That will come back to haunt you later on. 'If it takes you 1 year or 50 years to feel ok about Eddie dying, then that is the time you needed it to take' that's what she said Nance. I am the one who has to feel when I'm ok with this no one else. But she thought it was nice that I go to his grave and talk to him, but also that I shouldn't shut you guys out. You lost him to, not just me I need to keep that in mind. So I'm sorry if I've been selfish Nance, I don't mean to be I hope you get that?” I look at her

“Sweetie, we know you don't mean to be selfish, we'd never assume anything like it. We all know the two of you had something we'd never even get close to. We all learned to love Eddie before he died. Hell, I mean even Steve liked him in the end.” she smiles

“Yeah I know he did. Did he tell you he stopped by the grave every day to talk to him?” I say and Nancy's eyebrows fly up

“He does? What for...I'm sorry but he seems the least likely”

“I know, but he says someone had to keep Eddie in the loop about how I was doing so he went over there every day and told him.”

“Wow, he's even worse off than I thought” she whispers to herself, I don't think I was meant to hear her

“What?” I say

“Nothing... Just that's so nice of him.” Nancy says smiling

We sit there for a little longer, talking about her and Jonathan now that they've moved back. And the fucking weirdest ever, Hopper being alive but captured by the Russians for almost a year. I heard this and I thought it was some kind of a dream. But no, apparently Steve had told me. My brain just kept that on the back burner also. Nancy drives me home around 4:30 and I slump down in the couch feeling like mush entered my brain. A lot of new impressions to deal with again today.

Steve comes back from work and he wants to hear all about what we'd talked about today. I tell him what I told Nancy and he says pretty much the same thing she did. That mine and Eddies love was something so much more than any of them had with Eddie. So no none thought of me as selfish. I hug him tight and thank him, he kisses me on the top of my head and mumbles “No worries sweetheart, love is a difficult thing”

We once again make dinner until dad comes home. And once again I have to tell the story of the amazing doctor Carter and her insightful thoughts. We all agree I seem to have found a good therapist. We have dinner, then we watch TV before I start yawning so bad both dad and Steve has to laugh at me

“Damn, if you didn't have ears your head would split in half” dad says with a laugh “better get to bed sweetheart before we'll have to carry you again” he pets my arm

“Yeah, I think I will. Night dad” I say then I look at Steve “You coming or leaving?”

“I'll be there soon, I wanna watch this til it ends. That ok?” he smiles at me

“Of course...why wouldn't it be” I say smiling back at him. I make my way up stairs. I decide I need a quick shower before bed, I feel a bit cold. I undress and get in the shower letting the hot water warm me up. I get out and I dry off. Not expecting Steve up just yet I go out into my bedroom butt naked to get a fresh pyjama out of the dresser. As I enter the room I feel myself getting a bit dizzy, I have skipped some of my meals today. Apparently I need to be more meticulous with that. I slump down on the floor by the dresser. There I sit when Steve comes up to go to bed

“Emma, God what happened?” he runs over and lifts me off the floor

“Just...dizzy. Been neglecting my meals today. Apparently a bad idea” I say and I blush

“Oh, sorry but, thank god it wasn't anything worse.” he says. We're just standing there. Him with me in his arms and me with my arms around his neck “Uhm... Em, this is a dangerous game we're playing. Think you can stand if I put you down? So I can get you some clothes...it's really effecting me feeling you like this” he says coarsely

Oh fuck I didn't manage to get dressed before I had to sit down, I'm still completely naked.

I look up at him, meeting his intense gaze

“I...well you could just put me down on the bed” I whisper

Steve walks over to the bed and leans forward putting me down on the bed carefully. As he stands up again he lets his hand slide up my body. He sighs deeply and turns away from me walking up to the dresser and gets a pyjama out for me. He hands it to me and stands with his back to me as I get dressed and crawl in under the covers

“Ok I'm done” I say feeling sad he didn't do anything more than that light touch. He changes to his pyjama bottoms and gets in with me. I lay my head on his chest as I've done now for as many nights as I can remember. How will I ever live without this heartbeat to fall asleep to? What happens when he can't be here any more? There is a feeling of panic inside of me fighting to get out and cause havoc. I won't let it... I don't need panic over Steve when I have to gather strength for mine and Dustin's plan. I'm going to need my all for that.

“So what's on the agenda for tomorrow then? Should I come back here for lunch? Or do you want to be alone?” Steve asks

“I never really WANT to be alone Steve, so please if you have the possibility I'd love it. I was thinking I might venture a little bit of a longer walk tomorrow. I felt real good walking today, so I thought seeing as it isn't too far I might go see Ed tomorrow around 10:30 and maybe you can pick me up when you come home for lunch?” I look up at him

“You sure you're up for it? I mean of course I'll pick you up there. That would probably be around 12:15 or something, that ok?” he smiles at me

“That sounds perfect Steve, well I'll decide when I wake up how I feel. I'll make sure to eat before I go and to bring something with me as well. I think I can do it. If not I'll call the school and leave a message for you” I say

“Sounds good sweetheart, but I think we should try for sleep now. Night Em” he hugs me tight kisses my head and gently starts stroking my back.

“Night Steve, thank you for being you” I say and I kiss his chest hearing him let out a small gasp

“Yeah...ummm...you too” he squirms a bit and I think to myself that I made him uncomfortable and my heart sinks. I lay there listening to his heart beating until I fall asleep. I wake up realizing during our sleep we've changed positions. I'm now on my back and Steve is laying on my chest. My boob in a firm grip and his leg over my hips. He's slowly grinding against my leg in his sleep. Again I feel he's probably dreaming something very nice. He's hard and ready against my hip, rubbing himself against me. I moan quietly, why is he doing this to me. I know it's not doing me any good, and I feel bad for wanting him so bad. But I wiggle out of my pyjama bottoms and I unbutton my top. I turn on my side so my backside is flush against Steve's body. His hand now grabbing my bare chest. He's starting to wake up I can tell by his breathing. I feel him tensing

“No Steve, we both apparently need this. Don't go all chivalrous on me, just please” I say felling so bad for begging like this. Takes him like a second to realize I'm completely naked from the waist down. He lets out a long deep breath and he tugs at his bottoms pulling then down. He taps my leg, I lift it and he slides in to me without hesitation. It feels so good being filled by him. I lean back and I grab his hair as he plays with my nipples and kisses my neck. He's breathing heavy in to my ear, groaning quietly

“Fuck you feel so good” the pace is slow and so good. Deep thrusts hitting just the right spot inside of me. Steve moves his hand down and starts circling my clit as he fucks me. “Come on me babe, please come on me I wanna feel you squeeze every last drop out of me” he growls in my ear. I grab his hair tighter, hos other hand coming up underneath me grabbing my boos again pinching my nipples, teasing them. He keeps kissing my neck, letting hos tongue play down it. I feel myself closing in to the inevitable “That's it babe, I can feel you're getting closer. God you feel so amazing, please let go now. I'm so close I wanna come with you babe” he purrs sending me straight to heaven

“Fuuuuuck Steeeeeve... Oh my gooood yes yes yes” I groan as the orgasm takes me and I feel him pushing in one last time before he releases his warm seed into me.

“Fuck Em... Fuuuuuck” he growls as he finishes.

There's full silence except our combined breathing. Until...

“Why does this keep happening?” Steve's voice breaks the silence

“Keep happening? I would have assumed because we want it to? Otherwise you need to win an Oscar for your excellent acting” I say feeling anger bubbling to the surface

“But do we though? Or is it just a carnal need?” Steve says quietly

“I think you need to leave now Steve” I can't any more... I just can't and I do not want to become angry with him over this. I want to keep this friendship but at this very moment I can't have him near me. He just breaks me apart

“What? Emma... I”

“Leave... please” I say back still turned to him “I'll get by without you. Go have your own life back. We'll talk”

“But... why?”

“STEVE!” I raise my voice enough for him to realize I am in fact serious. He gets out of bed and I hear him get dressed.

“I'll come pick my stuff up later tonight then? Do you still need a ride at lunch?” he says

“I'll let you know.” I can't look at him, my heart it shattered into a million tiny pieces. If I look I'll cry and then I might not be able to stop without begging him to be with me even if he doesn't want to. I hear him leave and I begin to shed silent tears until I fall back asleep.

I wake up around 10, feeling like I'm going to be sick. I take a few deeps breaths telling myself it's only because of Steve. It'll pass, just like every other time this has happened to me. Unrequited love sucks. I get out of bed and I get dressed. Go down in to the kitchen and make myself something to eat. I pack a bag with a sandwich and some fruit and I put my shoes and jacket on. Oh right I need to think if I want Steve to pick me up... If I make it there on my own I will be tired I know this. I go in to the office and I call the school. Letting the woman on the other end know that I want her to tell Steve he's to pick me up on his lunch break. I go to the kitchen and I make another sandwich and bring that along for Steve. I might be upset with him but I'm still going to make sure he eats something for lunch. I go outside, the weather is getting chillier now that October's come. It's been 5 months now, nothing is easier, and still everything is. I still miss Eddie every second of every day. But I can at least manage to exist now. The walk to the cemetery isn't long and it's not as strenuous as I thought. I get there and I sit down after stroking the headstone.

“Hey Freak, what's up... Remember me asking you to help me with the whole Steve crap... Yeah you suck!” I smile “that went to hell, did it again with him this morning. He fucking broke my heart so I kicked him out. Eddie...for fucks sake why am I so unlovable? What is it with me?” I'm crying now “and then on top of all this you're not here to make me feel better. Telling me your lame ass stories and bad jokes. I love him so fucking much Eddie and I can't tell him. I mean what was that? Asking why that kept happening? And when I said it was because we wanted to he said it was carnal need not want... I mean could he BE more uninterested? Well... on a brighter note though, me and Dustin are coming for you soon. We're meeting up this weekend to plan. But I feel ok now, if I can convince him we'll go on Saturday. You can't stay in that hellhole any longer...that's also breaking my heart”

I sit there and let my tears flow for a while until I hear footsteps on the gravel behind me. I look up and wipe my tears.

“”Hey man” Steve fist-bumps the stone and looks down at me “Hey Em” he says in a hushed voice

“Hey, thanks for this. The walk here was ok but I feel tired now.” I say not really able to look at him

“No problem you know that sweetie... I would do anything for you”

“Yeah, ok” I say and I get up “I made you a sandwich you wanna eat it here with Ed or you wanna take it to work?” I ask

“Uhmm... well If I eat it here I get your company so... wanna sit on the bench over there?” he says and points over to the bench not far from Eddies grave. I head over there and I sit down, taking out the packed sandwiches. I start eating, still not able to look at Steve because it hurts too bad. I give him the other one

“Thank you... Emma, why won't you look at me?” he sounds so small

“I can't... You just keep shitting all over me Steve. I can't have you around if you're going to be this way. The fact that you once again show such regret after having sex with me is fucking breaking my heart Steve. And since I want it and you're only fulfilling a carnal need then I want us to be apart. I can't have you that close if this is what I get, ok?” I look up and he's staring at his feet

“I... I promise I don't regret it I told you that”

“Fuck you Steve if that shit you said this morning isn't regret then what the fuck is it? I know I'm not the side chick here because you've basically lived with me for two months now. I think you might have been missed if there was someone else in the picture”

“There isn't anyone else... I just...”

“Yeah you have issues, don't we all. Well figure them out and come talk to me. Until then stay away. I can get home on my own” I say not entirely sure I can but I can't beg for a ride after that speech

“I'll drive you home, don't be silly. What if you're to exhausted along the way. C'mon... then I'll leave you alone, but promise you'll call if you need me. I am still here for you even if you don't think so” he says with a sad voice

“Good to know but the ball is in your court now. Deal with your issues Steve. But I will accept the ride home now” I say and I get up

“I will... and thanks for lunch it was good” he says and we go to the car and he drives me home. “Can I come over and get my stuff later?”

“Sure, I won't tell dad what happened. I'll just tell him I decided I needed to try being alone so you could have your life back.” I say

“Ok, well that's nice of you. But you don't have to lie for me. I know I screwed up...”

“Well... Thanks see you later” I say and I close the door and head inside. I hear him drive off and I break in to tears again. My dark thoughts are coming back, hovering in the back of my mind. Just one bad thing away from taking over again. I go in to the office and I call doctor Carters office. She answers and I ask if I can just talk for a few minutes, she agrees and I tell her everything that's happened during the last day. She asks me if I've told Steve how I feel? I tell her no, she tells me that the best thing is to do that. Even of that means a break it's better than this, this is too consuming and feeds the dark thoughts. She then proceeds to ask me if I've ever thought this might just be Steve thinking I don't want him so he's trying to keep me away the same way I'm now keeping him away. That we're both just being unsure what the other one feels and therefore making everything more confusing. She asks me to think about this until next weeks session and we'll talk about it more then. We hang up and I get stuck thinking about this. Steve feeling the same but not knowing how to say it so that's the reason he's acting a fool? Nah...doubtful. He's never seemed the guy to keep his feelings showed down and suppressed so why now?

I look at the time... I need to eat, I heat up food and sit down at the TV. But I can't keep my mind on the program. I just keep coming back to doctor Carters suggestion. Should I tell him or should I just leave it? What scares me the most is that if I tell him and he takes it badly and keeps his distance. Then I would have lost another friend in less than 6 months, THAT I can't handle. I'd rather be heartbroken but his friend than heartbroken and alone.

Dad comes home and we make dinner. He asks when Steve's going to be back and I tell him what I told Steve I was going to. He asks if I'm sure.

“Dad, I can't ask him to keep his life on hold like this. He needs to be able to do something other than work and hang around here. I promised I'd call if I needed him. So it's not like he's gone for good. But he just won't be here all the time. I need to learn how to sleep on my own. It is time dad”

“Yeah I guess you're right sweetheart. I just know how calm and happy you've seemed with Steve around. I have a good memory of what happened last time he left” he says

“Yeah me to dad, but then HE left without warning. This time I asked him to, there is a difference” he agrees to this. We have dinner the two of us and then he goes to watch TV. I decide to call Dustin. I go in to the office and sit down ant the desk dialling his number

“Hello, Henderson”

“Hey Mrs Henderson, it's Emma. Is Dustin around?”

“Hey Emma, yeah he's right here”

“Hey Em, what's up?” he says as he takes the phone from his mother

“Wanna come over Friday? We need to get this ball rolling.”

“Sure I can be there at like 6”

“Perfect, see you then”

“Yup, see ya”

We hang up, wish all phone calls could be that efficient I think to myself and smile. Good, now we're getting somewhere. I go out and join dad in front of the TV for while. There's a knock at the door around 8. Steve comes in looking kinda worse for wear

“Hey, am I disturbing you?”

“No not at all, we're just watching some TV” I say and this time I can look at him, still feels like someone is piercing my heart but I'll live

“You wanna join us or are you in a hurry?” dad asks and glances over at me I give him a small nod

“Well... I was actually thinking I'd get my stuff then I need to get back home. I have an extra early day tomorrow, the team's having a game out of town tomorrow night. I need to prepare for it before the actual school day starts” he says

“Oh, well good luck Steve. Kick their asses all the way into next week” dad says

“Want help with your things?” I ask

“Nah I'll be right down, I didn't bring that much to begin with” he says and heads up the stairs. My stomach churns, I feel like I want to be sick. Dad sees it

“Are you SURE about this honey? You don't look like you ever want him to leave, can't you just talk to him? I am sure he feels the same way about you...”

“No dad... he doesn't. That's part of why I asked him to leave, I can't have him be so close and not be able to...be with him. Just please dad I can't talk about this now. It hurts” I say

“Ok... I'm sorry sweetheart. I really am” dad squeezes my hand. Steve appears in the door carrying a bag of stuff.

“There, it's like I've never been there taking up space” he says trying to sound light and smiling. But I can see I did hurt his feelings asking him to leave. But what was I to do?

“You weren't taking up space Steve, you know that.” I say and I get up to give him a hug

“No, Em... Please don't, not right now” he says and he leaves out the door. I sit back down and I let out a deep sigh.

I can see dad in the corner of my eye wanting to say something but keeps him self from doing it. There's silence for maybe 10 minutes then dad clears his throat

“So, you want some tea or coffee or something sweetheart?” I know he asks only because he can't stand silences like this one.

“Sure dad, some tea would be nice. I think I'll head off to bed soon enough, it's been a long day” I say and smile at him

He comes back with a cup of tea each and we watch TV, making small talk about the program. Then I head up to bed. It's cold and empty without Steve in it. But I will have to learn to deal with this loneliness. Some time around 4 in the morning I finally doze off to sleep.

The following days are pretty much the same, I wake up, prepare my foos for the day. I walk to see Eddie. Walking is getting easier and by Thursday I make the trip back and forth from the cemetery without having to stop to catch my breath. Yes, I can do this on Saturday. I can go find Eddie and bring him home. Friday rolls around and I can't wait for evening. Just around 6 there's a knock at the door and Dustin comes in. I hear him as dad opens the door

“Hey Mr Lundberg, nice to see you”

“Hey Dustin, good to see you to. Emma's in the living room.” I know dad is planning on doing some work in his office tonight so he won't bother us.

“Emma! How's everything?” Dustin smiles at me

“Hey, well... Ok I guess. Hopefully a lot better by tomorrow...” I smile at him

“Yeah, we doin' this then? You're sure you can handle it? I mean if we can find a way in, and IF we find him there's really no way of knowing what we'll find. I can't have you disappearing on me in there” he sounds concerned

“Yeah, I mean I understand that whatever we find might be...gruesome. But I'd rather find what's left of him and being able to bring that back to his grave than living with the idea of him in there forever... That's what I can't deal with.” I say

“Then that makes two of us. I mean...not to rude or anything. I mean I love that you want me to help, but shouldn't we have someone else along as well... someone but me that's been in there before. Like Nancy or Robin...or Steve” he asks cautiously

“No! Steve has no interest in trying to find a way in again, Nancy and Robin will just try to stop me. I came to you because that first day in the hospital I could see it in your eyes that you want this as much as I do. Tell me I'm wrong?” I say

“Nope, absolutely correct. I want to do this, just that they've all experienced...the things in there that might wanna eat us. I've just beaten off some bats with a spear...” he says

“You're doubting yourself man, please don't do that. I would have never asked you if I didn't have complete faith that you could handle yourself Dustin” I say and I smile at him giving his knee a reassuring pat

“Thanks Em, well... ok so. You wanna do this tomorrow I guess? Should we leave first thing in the morning? I mean we'd have to get to what's left of the trailer park first of all.” he says

“Yeah I think first thing is good....then we'll have all day. I'm going to have dad drive me there, pretence that I need to see it to help with the demons. Therapist's suggestion. Then I'll say I've asked Steve to come pick me up later. It's easier to say I'm sorry later on than tell him what I'm doing before I do it.”

“Sure, sure... I can take my bike there. So meet at like what 9? Seems like a reasonable hour for you to be there? Any earlier might seem strange?” he says

“Yeah 9 is good. I'll pack something for us to eat.”

We sit there planning for a good 2 hours before we hear dad heading towards us and we have to change the subject. But it feels good, feels like we've covered all our bases. Dustin stays for a little longer then he heads home and I tell dad about my plans

“So I had another talk with doctor Carter today, she feels I need to start dealing with the places I've been avoiding due to memories. Like g there and tell Eddie what I feel in that moment. So tomorrow morning I would like to have a ride dad.”

“Ok, I guess I can manage” he smiles “where to?”

“The trailer park” I say and he stares at me

“But there's nothing left of it sweetheart...wouldn't that upset you?”

“It might but it might also help me. The doc thinks that me avoiding the places I associate most with Eddie is stopping me from reaching my goals. I need to face the fear of seeing what happened to his home. I've already spoken to Steve, if you drive me there say at 9 he's picking me up at 12 and we're having lunch.” I look over at dad, he's thinking this through I can see it

“Ok...well it sounds like a good idea. And if this woman thinks it might help I guess I have no reason to say no. But why that early?” he asks

“Well... I found out they're doing some digging out there next week so come Sunday they'll be fencing it off. And I don't want to risk them starting early and beginning the fencing tomorrow. So if I go early and they come there I might have had a small amount of time to myself where I can yell at Eddie for leaving me” I smile

“Oh... well ok then. And Steve is for sure picking you up then?” he asks

“Yes dad, he is. I think I need to talk to him so it's perfect. Well I'm going to bed then, see you in the morning. Love you, night” I say and kiss his cheek

“Love you to honey, sleep tight” he says and I head off to bed. I look out the window as I lay there missing Steve's body next to mine. I have slept these 2 nights without him but I haven't slept well. I hope this night will be better ´, I need to be rested for the trek tomorrow.

“Ed, my best freak... I'll be there tomorrow, hang on one more night ok?” I say out loud to the dark skies outside. I try to get comfortable, but my mind is racing. I turn and I pick up the phone

“What...ehmm...hello?” oh fuck I woke him up

“Hey”

“Emma? Did something happen?” Steve is wide awake now

“Nah...just... I'm sorry Steve, I'm just so sorry I hurt your feelings. I couldn't sleep because I hadn't said that to you. And...you know if something happens to either one of us and I never said it... Well that's all. Go back to sleep we can talk some other day. I just needed to calm my mind...and hear your voice” I say

“Emma... What are you talking about, something happening? And I'm sorry to, for being the way I was with you. I am trying to get my mind straight about this so I can finally talk to you. But...are you ok? Or do you need me to come over?” he asks sleepily

“No Steve, I'm ok. Feels better just hearing your voice. Good night sweetie” I say and I hang up. It actually calmed my mind, I didn't tell him straight out what I was doing but I kind of did hint at it. Hopefully he won''t ever have to worry about it. We'll get in, find Eddies body and get back out. Then it's too late to be angry with me... I try to justify lying to dad like I did with this logic. I fall asleep eventually.

The next day I wake up early, I head down stairs and I male some sandwiches before dad comes down and starts asking why I'm bringing that much food. I pack it in my backpack along with a blanket, a flash light, one of dads big hunting knives he got from his dad when he died and I sneak in to dads office and take the gun I know he keeps in his desk. There I should be set if there's anything left in there wanting to hurt us.

I make coffee and I sit down at the table just in time for dad to come downstairs.

“Oh hey honey you're up early” he kisses my forehead

“Yeah I couldn't sleep, guess I'm a little nervous seeing the place” I say which isn't a lie, just didn't specify WHAT place I was talking about.

“Yeah...are you 100% sure you wanna do this today?” he asks

“Yeah it has to be today, you know with the digging later on I have no idea when I'll get the chance again. And I'll be careful I know it's a crater there now. Nancy told me” I say

“Ok, lets have coffee then and I'll drive you there.” he sighs

We finish the coffee talking a bit about what I wanna say to Eddie once I get there. We head out to the car and we leave for Forest Hills, or what's left of it. Dad drops me off where the road leads in to the remains of the trailer park. I wave at him and I start walking. There is a silence in the area that doesn't feel natural. No birds, no trees blowing in the wind. Nothing like that. I go around the bend and it appears in front of me. A big crater, debris from trailers all over. But there is one trailer still standing...only one. And it's the one I was most hoping to see. But it will be very difficult getting to it I can see that. But I am hellbent on doing this so fuck that I'll get to it if I have to crawl all the way on my hands and knees. I'm a little early so I sit down on a rock facing the area and I wait for Dustin to arrive.

Steve's pov

There is something Emma isn't telling me. I have my suspicions, but I pray that I'm wrong. She wouldn't be that stupid, would she? Ever since she called me last night I've had this nagging feeling in my gut telling me I have to go over there and see if she's ok.

I get in the car and I drive over there, might be early but Martin is usually up at this time. I knock on the door, it opens I see Martin staring at me

“Steve? What are you doing here?”

“Hey Martin, is Emma up yet?”

“No, she had a thing she was doing for therapy, I dropped her off like 30 minutes ago, and she said you were picking her up there at 12 and you guys we're having lunch after. Steve? What's going on?” he's worried now and so am I

“Where did you drop her off?” I know the answer before he says it

“At the trailer park, her doctor thought she needed to face the places she associated most with Eddie. That it would help. Steve was she lying to me?”

“I'm afraid so... But I'll get her. I think this has a lot to do with my behaviour not just Eddie's death. I'll bring her back safe Martin. But in case she's changed her mind, and I pray to god she does, and she comes home you better stay put.” I tell him

“Ok... what do you think she's really doing Steve?” Martin is pale now

“I think she's stupid enough to go look for Eddies remains. She know where he died, Dustin told her that” Why lie to the poor man

“Dustin was here last night, I overheard them talking about something... I don't know something was upside down... I didn't catch it all.” he says and my heart sinks, fuck Dustin is in on this to? Then there is a slight possibility they'll get in there if the gate is still there. I need to go to Dustin's and see if he's at home. He might have just told her about the gate never imagining her actually going. While I'm standing there thinking Martin has gone in to his office, but now he's running out looking terrified

“My gun and my hunting knife, they're both gone... Steve what is she up to?” he's panicking

“Ok... Martin I need you to really listen to me now ok. I haven't much time I need to go to Dustin and see if he's gone with her. Ok, so everything I'm about to tell you is true ok how ever unbelievable it may sound. I will give Nancy a call and she can come tell you in detail ok?”

“Ok?” Martin is staring at me. We sit down in the kitchen and I tell him in short what happened that day Eddie died. I show him my scars from the bats. “So she's gotten it in her head to go in there to this place to find what might be left of Eddie? And she's gotten Dustin to come? Is this what you're telling me?” Martin sighs

“Yeah, Dustin has this guilt for leaving Eddie there. We all know it. He's been trying to get us to go ever since it happened. I think now that Emma brought the idea to him he had no one to stop him. I need to go now, but first I'm going to call Nancy and get her here.” I say and I pick up the phone. Nancy answers and I give her a quick explanation “She'll be right here, she can tell you all you need or want to know about this. She's been dealing with it since the beginning just like me” I say to Martin and I rush out the door and in to the car. I drive off to Dustin's house hoping he'll be there and that Emma was actually telling Martin the truth. I see Dustin's mum outside looking worried

“Hey Mrs Henderson, is Dustin home?” I say

“Oh Steve, I think he's going to do something stupid... He came home last night from visiting Emma, he packed a bag with a flash light, ropes, his knife and I saw him take out that spear thing he made. And now he's gone. Is he going where I think he's going Steve?” she's borderline hysterical

“I'm afraid so, and he's got Emma with him. I'm gonna go and try to reach them before they do something truly stupid, ok? I'll get him home safe, I promise” I say and she's nodding her head crying. I get in the car again and I break every speed limit there is getting to the trailer park. I have to get there in time, I HAVE TO! Turn in to what's left of the trailer park and I see them, half way across the crater headed to... what the hell it's still standing? I run out of the car getting up on to the edge and I scream

“EMMA! PLEASE WAIT!” I try to get down there as fast as I can without falling and hurting myself. I jump, I run, I climb just to get to them

“Steve? What are you doing here? How did you know?” She sounds both surprised and angry at the same time.

“Martin... I came over, had a feeling you needed me... Please, don't do this...for the love of god don't. AND YOU!” I lash out at Dustin “What the fuck were you thinking? Your mum's hysterical because you packed that stuff and took that fucking spear out. What were you hoping to achieve here?”

“I have to get him back Steve, I should have never left him ok... I shouldn't have. I can't fucking sleep Steve, the guilt is eating me up from the inside. And since none of you guys wanna do this I had to take who ever I could, luckily Emma needs this as much as I do. So go home Steve, leave us to this.” Dustin glares at me

“Steve listen to him, leave... If you can't support us then leave. I can barley fucking exist knowing he's in there, that his grave is empty. I can't it's all consuming every day. The only time I didn't think of this was when I was with you and when you made it so abundantly clear that that was a mistake to you , well this is it then. I need peace of mind Steve... or I won't make it. The darkness is there...all the time threatening to take over. I have to do this... There isn't one reason for me not to.” I look at Emma... what the fuck have I done

“What if you get hurt? Huh? Killed...stuck in there unable to escape? What then? What about all the people you'd be hurting? What about your mum Dustin? What about Mike, Will and Lucas? And Emma... please... Em what about Martin... What about me?” I plead with them

“What about you Steve? What about YOU? Twice you've fucked me then thrown me away like garbage, breaking my heart in to a million little pieces. It's not helping Steve... I need to do this for ME. If this is it for me, if I don't make it back, yeah dad will be sad for a while. I know you'll tell him I died for something I believed in if that's the case. It breaks my heart saying this Steve, I don't want to hurt dad like that. But I can't go on without at least trying. I can't for Eddie I can't. So I ask you again Steve... WHAT ABOUT YOU?” she's angry now, angry I'm trying to stop her. Angry that I can't understand her reasoning. But all I can feel now is fear, the fear that I am losing her, I can't be a considerate chicken any longer

“BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU! OK? Because I've loved you for years...YEARS Emma. But I couldn't compete with Eddie, I still can't compete with Eddie. All I ever wanted was to be yours all the time, wanted to love you in every sense of the word. But he's always there between us, I can't compete with the love you have for him. So I tried sooo fucking hard to stay away, to not let myself be blinded by you and how amazing you are. But I got caught in my feelings for you, twice these last months we've been together and both times has been been as a direct result of you dealing with losing Ed. I... I don't have the strength to be around you and not love you but I can never be him however much I try I just can't and it's killing me. That's the weirdness, that's the thing you took for regret... ok? It's just me not knowing how to compete with a dead man. I want you, I need you... I love you so much. Fuck I fell for you that first day you came in to Scoops, you were so weird and cute and you weren't intimidated by me. You were just being you...and then that day when I came over when you were hurt...that was it you had me. From that moment I was yours, but you were Eddies... I just wasn't him.” there, I did it. I told her

Back to Emma

Is this reality? Did he just say what I thought he said... I stare, I can't speak. My mind is racing, a thousand different things fighting to take centre stage.

“You think you had to COMPETE with Eddie over me? Eddie? My best friend? I never ever loved him like anything but a brother. I... why the fuck would you feel a need to compete with that? He was my person, my ride or die, my rotten soldier. But he could never be what I wanted you to be. I never ever had those feeling for him, do I love him yes. But as you'd love a brother or a best friend. I mean it's like you, you love Robin. She's you person am I right?” he nods “Yeah...you get it now? Eddie is my Robin.” I can't make this any clearer for him. My heart is absolutely singing but I can't take my mind off how close we are to finding out if the gate is still there. Steve is right next to me now, just looking at me tears in his eyes. I reach up and I kiss him with every bit of the emotions I have for him “Steve Harrington... I love you too ok? But I still need to do this, so either you find a way to be ok with it or you need to leave.” I kiss him again and again

“Fucking hell this took you two an unnecessary long time...” we hear Dustin sigh

“You knew?” Steve sounds surprised

“Dude... We've all known for years. You can't hide a feeling any better than I could hide an elephant in my kitchen. None of us understood why nothing ever seemed to happen between you two though... But I agree with her, be ok with it or leave Steve. We're wasting time.” he points towards Eddies trailer on the ledge above us

Steve looks down at me “You love me? That for real?” he asks me

“Steve I'd be a cruel person if I said that to you without meaning it. You think of me as cruel?” I smile

“No, not at all... Ok... I'll go with Dustin and you wait here. I WILL NOT argue this with you. We enter that trailer and you sit your pretty perfect ass down and you wait. I've been in there I know what we might find, Dustin has some idea of what's in there. You, not a clue and I need to keep it that way.” he looks at me with a stern look. I want to argue with him, but he does have a point. “Once we're in there and we see if that gate's still there. We go in you give us a maximum of three hours. If we're not back you take my car and you get Nancy and Robin and you tell them to gear up. Ok?” he says as we begin to make out way towards the slope leading up the last bit to the lonely trailer

“Take your car? But I can't drive” I say that's where I got stuck

“I know you can, Martin told me you've been driving a little with him and that you were good. I know you can do it. 3 hours Emma, ok?”

“Ok, 3 hours then go get Robin and Nancy. I got it” I say

As we climb the last little bit I feel my stomach churn again, I haven't been here for 5 months, last time was the last time I saw him. We carefully open the door making sure the trailer is on solid ground. Steve enters first, then Dustin and lastly me. Every fibre in my body wants me to not go in there, not make myself relive the memories if this place and all the happy times I've spent here with the Munson men. I pull myself together and I step over the threshold, Steve and Dustin are standing in the middle of what was the living room staring up in to the ceiling.

“Fucking hell Henderson...it's still here” Steve is pale as a ghost as he's staring at the hole in the ceiling showing a dark twisted copy of the room we're standing in.

“Fuck man, I actually had my doubts after we killed Vecna it would be here. But I'm glad it is, gives us a fighting chance right” Dustin is also looking up in to the twisted world. I'm just having a hard time gripping all of this still. “I have a rope...we're gonna need a rope to get in and out” Dustin starts rummaging through his backpack. He finds the rope and he ties one end to the inside of the trailer door the other he ties to his jeans “Ok Steve hoist me up there” he says

“Why you first?” Steve asks

“You're taller than me, I can't get you up there. Once I'm in I'll tie the rope to that end and you can use it to get through.” Dustin says

“Hey you're not as dumb as I look” I say and I smile as I get the same confused look from them as I did from Eddie when I said that to him.

“Is it bad I don't know if she's insulting me or complimenting me?” Dustin says to Steve who just chuckles

“Just go with thank you dude. Think that's your safest option. But actually, smart idea Henderson. You ready?” he says

“Wait... take these... In case it takes time” I say and hand them the sandwiches I made

“Thank you babe” Steve smiles at me and leans in for a kiss. I purr against his lips, I like it when he calls me babe.

“Ok... I've said it before. You can make out with her later, lets go” Steve smiles at me and then he grabs Dustin by the waist and lifts him up towards the ceiling. I sit down on the floor next to the mattress. I watch Dustin disappear into the hole in the ceiling then falling down on the floor on the other side. He ties the rope to the kitchen counter then motions to Steve to climb through. He's not speaking seeing as they don't know who or what might be listening. Steve falls down on the other side and I stand up looking at them

“Remember, 3 hours from now. Love you” he says

“3 hours, and love you right back”

They disappear from my sight and my stomach forms a hard pit, I sit down on the mattress again. Looking at my watch and then at the ceiling. The wait has begun...

It doesn't take long. Maybe 20 minutes and I hear their voices again. They're getting attacked I think...or there's nothing left to bring back. I stand up and look in to the other world. Suddenly Steve appears

“Hey babe, miss me?” he smiles at me and the pit in my stomach disappears as fast as it appeared.

“Hi, of course I missed you. Did you find...anything?” I ask

“Could you move please, I'm sending Dustin through” Steve says and I move to the side. Dustin falls through the hole. He stands up and brushes himself off. He's been crying, gibe his back a stroke.

“You ok?” I ask

“Yeah, I'm ok...but you're gonna want to help me now. They say don't disrespect the dead so I guess just dropping him through would be bad?” he says looking up

“Dropping him?” I look up and I let out a cry. Standing there is Steve holding a body in his arms.

“I know, I know sweetheart. But please don't lose it now. I need you to help Dustin catch him ok?” Steve is looking right at me, I nod. I take a deep breath and me and Dustin position ourselves under the gate ready to catch the body as Steve climbs on a dresser to reach trough easier. The full weight of Eddies body hits us as he falls when he passes through the gate. We manage to not drop him and we move him over to the couch so that Steve won't fall on him when he comes back. Dustin goes back to make sure Steve gets back ok. I'm just sitting there staring at the face in front of me. He hasn't changed...not one bit. He's got dried up blood all over but other than that he looks like when I saw him last, a little paler maybe. I reach out and I put my hand on his cheek, he looks so peaceful.

“Steve...” I say in a hushed voice “Steve” a little louder “STEVE!”

“Sorry, yes what's wrong” he comes up to me

“Why isn't he cold Steve... He should be cold” I'm vibrating now

“We don't know how time works in the upside down babe. Maybe it's just been a day or something in there” he says

“No, no... Steve...” I let my shaking hand move to the side of his jaw, pressing my fingers in to the skin. I scream “HE FUCKING HAS A PULSE STEVE” then I pass out.

When I come to there's full chaos. Steve's trying to make sure I'm ok, Dustin is freaking out and I can't get up fast enough

“Steve for fucks sake he had a pulse I felt it” I groan

“Yeah, yeah we both felt it... He's...I think he's alive Em. But like Max in some kind of a coma”

“Yeah he's alive... And you wanted me to NOT go get him...” I feel so many things right now. I know none of them would have even had the slightest tiniest ounce of hope this could happen. I mean I know I didn't, I was fully set on finding maybe a body, maybe parts of him. Something to put in that grave. But not this, never ever this.

“I... I never expected. I'm sorry” Steve's crying now, Dustin is crying. Fuck now I'm crying

“I know Steve I know, god I didn't mean to sound so angry. Just...the shock Steve. We need to get going, we need to get him to the hospital” I tug at them both making them stand up. With joined effort we get Eddie out of the trailer. The old table is still half standing outside. We tip it over, put Eddie on it an then we use it as some kind of makeshift sled to get him over to the other side of the crater. We manage to get him in to Steves car and I sit down in the back with his head in my lap just stroking his hair in disbelief. I don't know how many speed limits Steve broke getting us to the hospital but I bet it was as Eddie wouls have said “All of them” We run inside, Steve carrying Eddie in his arms. The staff had seen us coming they meet us and then they take over. We give some bull story about being curious about the crater and finding him under the trailer like this. They ask if we know who he is

“His name is Edwars Munson” I say and they all look at me

“The boy who...they thought”

“Yeah him, we thought he died in the earthquake but apparently...” I motion at Eddie “not”

They rush him off to an examination room, telling us to stay put and they'll come get us when he was in a room. It takes about an hour then a nurse comes and tells us he's in a room if we wan to see him. We all hold hands as we go in to the room. He's on the bed looking like he''s asleep. They've cleaned him off and he looks like Eddie again. Dustin falls down on the floor. I sit down with him, I know exactly what's bothering him.

“Hey Dustin, c'mon. I would have left him for dead to you know.”

“But he died Em, I was there I held him and I saw him die” he's sobbing so bad

“Maybe he...kinda restarted when you left. Maybe his body came back for whatever reason. You couldn't have known Dustin. Please don't do this to yourself. He's here now, he has a chance. And if he doesn't make it, he's atleast home again.” I hug the bot on the floor tight as he sobs uncontrollably in my arms. Steve comes in

“I've called them all, told them to come to the hospital. That we needed them here. I think I might have scared them in to thinking one of you got hurt but it'll be worth it.” he says

“You called dad to?”

“He's with Nancy so I guess she won't be leaving without him” he's standing at the end of the bed looking at Eddie “Fuck man, welcome home” he puts a hand on Eddies foot and he smiles.

“Dustin, please come dit on the chair” I say and we help him off the floor. He sits in the chair next to Eddie, just staring at him crying.

“I'm sorry man, I'm sorry” he keeps whispering

We hear voices outside and we hurry out there. We see Robin, Nancy and dad coming down one side of the corridor from the other way Mike, Will and El. El is smiling widely

“Oh she knows” Steve whispers

“WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?” Robin is furious, I guess Nancy filled her in on the way

“Before the namecalling a hitting begins can we just calm ourselves and gather round please” Steve says in a calm voice

“Calm? CALM? Where the fuck is Dustin? What happened to him?”

“Robin, please. He's in there but not for the reason you think.” I say and Robin looks at me then at Steve. Down at our hands which we're holding tight

“Ok... So he's ok and you two finally figured out you're made for eachother? That's why we're here? Seriously?” she scoffs

“Not just that... Ok so this might be a bit much to handle, just remember to breath thruogh the shock. Not like this one, she fainted” Steve says and kisses the top of my head

“Fainted? What happened to you?” dad sounds worried

“Not a thing, or well. You'll se” I say

We open the door and we go in first. The others gather in the room and the silence can be cut with a knife.

“That's why I couldn't see him, he's also hiding” El's voice breaks the silence

Then chaos, crying and also... Mike passing out. I'm glad I wasn't the only one I think. Dad is the color of ash, he's staring at the bed.

“Is he? For five months? That's impossible...” he sits down on the other chair in the room. Nancy and Robin are crying, Will tries to wake Mike up and El has sat down next to Eddie with closed eyes

“I can feel him stronger now, he's more like Max now. When he was there...he was just like a shadow” she says in a weird hollow voice

“She's looking for him” Steve whispers

“I thought you said she refused to look for him?” I whisper back

“Apparently she did once at least” he takes my hand “Come with me? Let them say hello on their own” he says.

We go out in to the corridore and sit down at the very end.

“So... We've been stupid, haven't we?” Steve smiles at me

“Yeah” I smile back “we have. One might even suspect us of being stubborn or someting” I say with a giggle

“Right? But it's out there now... I love you, very very much Emma. I never wanted to hurt you but I just wasn't sure if the dude in there would always outshine me and make me second. I'm so sorry I didn't just talk to you”

“Hey, I didn't 'fess up either so. Both Nance and Rob have been telling me a long time to tell you how I felt. Before them, Eddie told me. I was scared you only saw me as a casual hook-up and not someone you'd actually wanna be seen with. One of the last things Eddie told me back in the trailer before you left was that I should give you a chance when you guys came back, because he thought I'd fall in love with you if I gave you a chance. I tried so hard not to Steve, I've been hurt so bad in the past. But he was right, didn't take long for me to relaize you were infect the guy for me. Fuck it hurt believing you didn't like me back. Hurt even more thinking you regretted being with me” I have to be honest with him

“I have no words that can tell you how bad that made me feel, but I just wasn't ready to tell you that I felt like a second choice for you. But I guess I'm going to have to start showing you how much I never regretted the sex. Like every day from now on” he smiles and leans in for a kiss “because THAT babe is something you're amazing at and I won't leave you alone now that I know you're all mine”

We see a doctor coming up towards us, we straighten ourselves and greet him

“Hello, I suppose you two are the ones to talk to about Edward Munson seeing as you're the ones who brought him in?” he says

“Yes, I guess. We couldn't reach his uncle right now, I think he might be at work. I'll try calling him again later” Steve says

"Well, I can say I've never seen something like this myself nor have I heard of it and I've been a doctor for 40 years now. But you're telling me Mr Munson supposedly died in the earthquake and now you came to the remains of the trailer park and you found him underneath the only trailer still standing? Well... I can tell you this much, he couldn't have died. You don't come back from that on your own. But I could possibly believe he slipped in to a very deep coma. To the untrained eye he looks dead still. But how the hell, excuse my language, he survived for five months I can not understand OR explain. He might wake up or he might not. His situation is pretty much the same as Ms Mayfield's. From now on I suppose it's all just a waiting game for you all." he shakes his head in disbelief and walks away

"You know what the worst part is?" I look at Steve

"No, what?" he says stroking my back gently

"I don't think we should tell Wayne, not until we know the outcome of this... It's like a sudden realisation to me, we could end up losing Eddie again. I couldn't stand doing that to Wayne." I say

"Not tell him we found Eddie now you mean?" Steve ponders this for a minute "you know babe, I think you're right. But... I have to ask...will YOU be ok if we lose him again?"

"I've spent every day now for five, very soon six months grieving Eddie, I've dealt with every emotion under the sun. I think... if he doesn't make it, this time I will have the chance to say good bye to him and that would help me. And now I have you, I really have you" I put my hands on Steve's face and I look him deep in the eyes. "I love you...and I will keep loving youfor as long as you'll have me. Maybe I'll be in a dark place some days but I know you can get me out of it. Why were we so stupid Steve?"

"That is a fucking good question... Pair of stubborn asses the both of ya... Guess you finally caved? You told him and he told you? I've HATED having to keep both your secrets for this long... I know Nancy feels the same" Robin is standing a few feet away looking at us with a smirk on her lips

"OUR secrets? You've known all along that she loved me? For fucks sake Rob, you could have spared me a lot of heartache" Steve mutters at her

"Yeah? Think it was my thing to tell? Why didn't I just tell her you loved HER instead then? Could have just as easily done that huh? Would you have been happy with me if I broke your confidence?" she's staring him down "STUBBORN" she practically yells at us and stomps off

"Wow... Ok...so we've learned that we're stubborn asses today. I'm sorry I didn't tell you Steve. But I just thought you had no interest in me other than as maybe a friend with benefits. I didn't want to risk the heartbreak, been through that too many times to be a fan... Eddie said I was too hard on myself, that if you didn't like me back you we're a fucking idiot and not worth my time anyway. Guess he was right...fuck... I didn't get to win an argument with him after all" I chuckle

Steve beams at me and leans in and gives me a kiss

"You know... Never thought Munson was that good at telling peoples feelings. I heard him mumble to himself once, while we were wandering the woods in the Upside down 'I knew it, I was right. She won't have her heart broken this time' I didn't pay enough attention then to figure out who he was talking about. But I guess he figured out I loved you." Steve looks at me my heart sings I'm so happy.

Days turn in to weeks and Steve is practically living with me and dad. We're all just waiting to see if one or both of our friends will ever wake up. We take turns staying by their side at the hospital. A couple of weeks before Christmas the phone rings

"Hello this is Emma" all I hear at the other end is a squeal "hello?"

"You gotta come here" it's Lucas

"Be there as soon as I can" I throw the receiver down and I run in to the living room "We gotta get to the hospital NOW" Steve and dad look at me shocked "that was Lucas...he squealed...can't say if it's a good one or a bad one but we gotta GO" they both fly off the couch and we head for the car. I think dad almost killed the car going to the hospital. We run up to the ward and in to Max's room. There she is, leaning against her pillows...awake! There's tears and laughter all around.

"Max...girlie what an amazing Christmas present! Fuck I've missed you!" Steve is crying tears of joy hugging her so I think he might crush her. I have to pull him away reminding him she's fragile after this long in a coma "Sorry" he blushesMax smiles softly "He'll be here soon. You should go to him" she looks at me and takes my hand

"He? What are you..." I stare at her, holding my breath until Steve pokes me "he's... coming?" I turn and look out the open door to the room on the other side of the corridor.

"Yes, I've seen him all along. We hid together" her voice is strained as she looks at me "go now" she says and I think I make the distance between her room and Eddies in one jump. I throw myself down on the chair next to the bed and I take his hand and I wait, tears streaming down my cheeks. Steve comes in and stands behind me leaning down kissing my head. I look up at him and I kiss him

"Well...see weirdo why do you doubt me all the time" a hushed voice from the bed says

We pull apart and stare at the bed. Eddie's eyes are barely open but his smile is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life. I scream and I throw myself up into the bed holding him for dear life. I cry and I cry and I cry

"What the fuck's her problem? You mean to her already Harrington, I'll kick your ass you know that right?"

Steve's just laughing through his tears "Fuck we've missed you man!"

"Missed me? Wait... what happened? The last thing I remember is fighting those fucking bats, they bit me bad. I think I passed out? Did I?" Eddie sounds confused

Dad comes in and he puts a hand on Eddies head "Good to have you back son, I'd say you should sit down for this but I guess you're fine where you are. Ok so Eddie... There's no real easy way to say this so I'm just going to rip the band aid ok?"

"Ok Martin, do it..." Eddie holds me while I keep crying

"It's Christmas Eddie... Dustin had to leave you because you we're so badly injured you slipped in to a coma in his arms and he thought you died. We had a funeral for you. Emma's been a wreck for several months trying to deal with you leaving her. So this is...well this is happy tears Eddie, just a lot of them" dad looks at the boy in the bed who's staring at him like he's grown five heads

"Christmas? But it was May when we... I was there...how did I make it? MAX! Where's Max she was there with me...is she?" he tries to get up but with me on top of him and Steve holding him back he can't

"She's ok, she just woke up as well. Vecna broke her...but she found her way back. She said you've been hiding together" Steve sniffles and wipes his tears. Dad smiles and says he's going to check on the others.

The doctor comes in and stares at Eddie, and me of course.

"Ahem...Ms Lundberg would you please get off my patient so I can examine him" he says "Mr Munson, I have to tell you I'd almost given up hope of the two of you ever waking up. I thought Mr Henderson was trying to prank me when he came barging in my office yelling for me to come because the both of you woke up. But here you are." he smiles at Eddie as Steve helps me off the bed. He examines Eddie thoroughly saying he's going to need x-rays to make sure all is ok on the inside as well. A nurse comes in and takes his blood pressure, temperature and draws blood. Eddie is quiet the whole time until they all leave.

"So Dustin's ok?" he says quietly "must have been hard on the kid" he looks at Steve

"Yeah...it's thanks to him and this moron right here you're even back here. They went to find a gate so they could bring your body back. Had to forcibly make her stay as I came with Dustin in to find you. Didn't think she needed that after the ordeal she'd been through" Steve holds me and kisses my head

"Good thinking there Harrington, so you've grown a brain while I was gone?" Eddie smiles, still a tease through and through I think and I crawl up in the bed again. I still haven't said a word to Eddie. It's like my brain is back in that mute phase I had in the beginning when I thought he was dead. Eddie wraps his arms around me and looks at Steve.

"Since when doesn't she speak?" he sounds worried

"Well...the first 4 months after you were...gone she didn't speak, not one word after graduation... I think it's shock right now. She'll speak soon I guess. Tell you all about how stupid I've been" Steve smiles at me and Eddie beams

"So you guys DID end up together after all. I was right? Congrats man, you've found yourself a prize here" he hugs me tight "and you...yeah you found that one, you could do better but I'll let it slide since you've been temporary insane from missing me" he whispers at me. Steve chuckles

"Yeah we did end up together, took time though. I was being a moron thinking I couldn't compete with you so I pulled away from her"

"You can't compete with me Steve, there's only ever gonna be one freak in her life and that's me. But you can have her for everything else" Eddie holds out his fist "put it here man"

Steve tears up "I've been to your grave every day giving you a fist-bump. Fuck you can have as many as you want! Missed you so much man" he bumps his fist in to Eddies and then he leans over the bed and gives him a hug

Dad comes in again carrying a phone with him. He plugs it in to the wall and then he says "Ok, Steve should you or I call him?" Steve sighs

"Martin I don't know if I'll be able to hold it together telling him"

"Ehmm...call who?" Eddie looks from one to another

"Wayne" I whimper "I want to call Wayne" I sit up next to Eddie and I smile at him "Fuck you freak for doing this to me" then I give him a wet kiss right in the middle of his forehead

"There's my weirdo, I know you love me and all but save the slobbering for Harrington ok" he dramatically wipes his forehead "but Wayne? He...doesn't know? Where is he, at work?" fuck we'd forgotten Eddie doesn't know about he rest

"Dad, Steve could you...tell him while I call please" they nod and they sit down next to the bed and start telling Eddie everything that's been going on since he disappeared. Eddie's eye fill with tears as he hears about it all

I dial the number on the piece of paper in front of me

"Munson"

"Hey Wayne, it's Emma" there is a long silence on the other end "hello? Wayne, you there?"

"Sweetheart, it's really you? Oh my god how lovely to hear from you. How you been?"

"Well... I've not been ok. I guess you saw that in the beginning, took me about five months to snap out of it. Ehm... Wayne are you sitting down?" I say and my voice is shaking

"No...why? Is something wrong?"

"Would you please sit down, I have something to tell you" I say

"Ok...sitting down now. You're making me worried here sweetie"

"It's not worrying news Wayne... it's really the best Christmas present any of us will ever get... Uhmm... so 2 months ago me and Dustin set our minds on something..." I begin

"No...Emma. You didn't, please tell me you didn't try to get in there to find him"

"We...did...and Wayne... we found him" I say and there's muffled crying on the other end "Wayne... listen to me now ok?"

"Ok" he sniffles

"He was alive Wayne, in a deep coma but alive" I think that the silence could probably be cut with a knife it's so dense "Wayne? Breath sweetie so I know you're still with me"

"Emma...please don't make sick jokes like this. It's cruel" he cries I look over at the bed and I get up and I hand Eddie the phone

"Wayne... Hey man" we can all hear the scream from the other end. Eddies shocked face says it all as he hands the phone back to me

"Wayne...it isn't a joke. He woke up today, him and Max both woke up today. I think you need to take some time off work and come back here for Christmas don't you?" there's loud sobbing on the other end. I wait for it to subside a bit "Wayne sweetie, you know I would have never called and told you something like this if it weren't true"

"Put him back on" Wayne sobs and I hand Eddie the phone and motion to the other's that we should leave and give them their privacy.

If someone would have told me at the beginning of June that by Christmas I would be in a perfect relationship with Steve, Max would have woken up AND that we'd find Eddie alive I would have probably thrown a massive fit and died on the spot from getting to angry with them I'd have a heart attack...

But you know what, miracles do happen. Even to weirdos and freaks

Authors note!

Hey guys... I know this ended a bit over the top happy, but hey we all whished for Eddie to survive. This is me trying to manifest for season 5 😉

Thanks for reading

[love-fireflysong]

OH DEAR HI I'm the anon from before HII!!

Thank you so much for reading my message, it literally made my day!!

First of all NOO THE SUITCASE?? I hope you get it back soon, that sucks 😭

For the Outlast AU, girl I read the newest chapter the second it came out, and oh boy was I screeching LMAO

I was actually kinda worried since it had been a while since the last fic and I was worried you had paused writing, but then it was THERE, and it was ASHLEY POV AGAIN AUGH (Ash is my favorite UD character LMAO)

So thoughts, where do I even begin???? I'm gonna add some of my favorite lines that I just love a lot LOL

''All because it was actually his voice. It wasn't an electronic facsimile screaming and sobbing desperately through a bluetooth earbud, and it certainly wasn't her own voice weaving his actual words through the folds of her brain during the private late night conversations the three of them hadn't been able to enjoy for almost three weeks now. It was him''

Girl I am crying already O[-[

It's so heartbreaking reading about their separation and now that it's so close for them I just wanna SCREAM

''All of which she knew because Ashley had been the one to turn that once alive inmate into a bloody, mangled corpse herself. All for the crime of them simply being the last thing that stood between her and the door that kept her from Chris and Josh.

''Ash can murder a little bit, as a treat /J

GO GIRL GO GET YOUR BOYS.

''Has her name always sounded like this? Like it had been created solely to be spoken in his voice, said like it was something holy—like she was holy?''

God I keep coming back to this line, it's just. Perfection. It's so darn good.

''Forcing himself to push off of the wall and continue his hurried stumble down the stairs, steadfastly ignoring the bright, sticky handprints that he had left in his wake. (Though really, Ashley can't help but think, what is one more mark of blood in a place that is already saturated in it.)

''I just really like this line, it's chilling!

"Okay, I gotta get this off my chest, but whoever the hell it was that suggested the couple's retreat to the insane asylum is officially being kicked out of the polycule."

SJSHSJK what would we do without our Chrissy 😭 Always gotta lighten the mood!

Also just the entire last paragraph... girl my heart is on the floor, it is in pieces, I am crying

Their reunion was just so heartwarming and with every second it took for them to see each other, I just kept waiting for the rug to be swept out from my under feet and for the angst to kick in, but NOT THIS TIME!! THEY'RE TOGETHER!!

God the way they just look at each other, taking in how much (or how little) they've changed O[-[

I don't know if half of this makes sense, I'm just rambling LMAOO

Seriously though, you deserve only the highest praise, I genuinely loved this fic, and I am eagerly waiting to inhale the next parts!!!!!

There's so much more I want to share, buy AUGH WORDS

Also writing Chrissy like that reminded me of a dream I had once I first discovered the Fandom. I think it was a text post that was like ''If Chris kissed Ashley, could he say he Chrissed her?'' and I got so mad about it I woke up LMAOOO

AAAAAHHHHHHH IM SO GLAD THAT YOU ENJOYED IT!!!!!!

(I will say though that the fact that this is another Ashley POV addition is just chance, once I actually stop working on these """"snippets"""" the plan is that the viewpoints will switch between the three of them so I hope that this doesn't deter you any on future stories for this universe askdaksldsaj)

You would not believe how much fun I had writing literally any of the parts where they were all basically close enough to touch but still so far apart that anything could happen to prevent the reunions. Pining in a completely different sense of the word there: a nice fun, obsessive, desperate pining where they're willing to do whatever and kill whoever it takes as long as they're back together. They can ALL do some murder, as a treat <3 They deserve that much I think lmao

And man, that whole name scene? From the very beginning I knew that Chris was gonna (unintentionally) distract her with her name until she couldn't take it anymore and finally interrupt him. But that whole 'holy' line? Yeah that one came out of left field for even me alskdjlaksjd Vividly remembering writing that bit and going 'oh shit, that's fucking good I am so good at this shit'... before immediately tearing out my hair for the next and calling myself a fraud probably not even thirty seconds later SDFKLJSDFJ

And that whole 'kicked out of the polycule' line? That was the one single line I had had planned out since I started writing this one like two years ago. And yet, the line had originally been a JOSH line. Delivered flatly and sarcastically and all. But when I finally got to writing that last scene in question, I started second guessing myself and wondered if it was a Chris line instead. In the end, the only reason I went with the Chris-delivery though was simply because I liked how bittersweet it would be if the line was met with not a short and tired snort, but the first time any of them had a chance for some genuine full-bodied laughter before the tears finally came on once the reality hit.

(Also, if do end up doing something with the whole "If Chris kissed Ashley, could he say he Chrissed her?" dream line than you have only yourself to blame. Gonna make you rage quit in the beginning of a fic if your not careful ;P)

[sakinotfound]

I just saw the the emotionally constipated MC post and I can relate way too much :'). Can I ask for the same scenario with Belphie, Beelzebub and Satan? Take your time with it, no need to hurry. And thank you in advance ^-^

when you are an emotionally constipated anime character (part 2)

characters: Belphegor, Beelzebub, Satan

cw: long post under the cut, angst, hurt no comfort, mc being a somewhat dick, you have a crush on Belphie in his part (i am sorry i needed to change it up a little. it was getting boring to write, hope you don't mind)— the rest are up for interpretation like always.

a/n: ahahaha not y'all relating to having low EQ. s' okay s' okay though. i understand you all. here we have hugs for all the people who relate to these posts. sorry for the delay, i have been mad busy these past few days. barely had any time to breathe. also thank you for the request, love 🖤🤍

part 1

🌪️Belphegor

• tears streamed down your eyes, temples, staining your cheekbones as they made wet splotches on the bedsheet.

• your body didn't shake with every tear that fell down your somewhat red eyes, your mouth didn't let out soft whimpers or ear piercing screams. yet you still cried, it was a silent cry.

• the type of cry when you pity yourself. when you know your condition is pathetic and you can do nothing about it. when you reflect back on how it all started and finally realize what led to your downfall. when you remember how you ignored the obvious issues that popped up in your mind like annoying pop up ads and you just clicked the cross button, happily ignoring them because you were thriving in your own little fantasies.

• as you sow, so shall you reap.

• you sowed seeds of unrequited love and now you will reap the pain and heartbreak of watching the guy you are in love with, fulfil the fantasies you painted in your head with someone else.

• it was heart wrenching. it was pitiful. it was worth sympathizing for.

• your chest hurts, it physically hurts every time you see him with them. every time those two hung out together, or laughed at each other's jokes or sat in the class together.

• he is so in love. truly, madly, deeply. you can see that. anyone with two functional eyes can see that.

• but what hurt the most was when he cancelled plans to be with them, when he prioritised their needs over yours, when even when he was not with them- all he talked about was them.

• and even though if it were you in their place, you'd want belphie to do the same for you. but it still stung nonetheless.

• you were angry. you were angry at yourself for crying over some stupid demon boy. you were angry at yourself for pushing it so far that now the mere thought of him had your eyes brimming with tears. and the memories you have created together have been tainted with jealousy and hatred.

• you know how wrong this is, but you aren't in the mental capacity to deal with what is right and what is wrong and what is supposed to be done. you couldn't care less.

• how did you let this happen? how could you do this to yourself. how could you-

• "mc! mc! open the door!" belphie knocked rapidly and by his tone, you knew he was excited.

• without even giving you a chance, he announced, "you know what? i am coming in!" only to see your tears stained cheeks and glossy eyes.

• "oh my God mc, what happened?" rushes towards you, holding you by your arm as he tries to understand you through your facial expressions and body language.

• you want to tell him. you want him to know what you have been going through. you want him to console you. and wrap you in his arms. and hold you close. and kiss you square on the lips. and tell you that he loves you too and only you.

• but you know that won't happen and you can't really tell your feelings to him either.

• you just can't. never been the best at communicating properly or expressing and dealing with your emotions in a healthy and smart manner.

• so you push him away. both mentally and physically. you push him and tell him to leave you alone. that you are fine and it's not a big deal.

• but he is your friend. and you mean a lot to him. he can see how you have been crying prior to his forced entry and he knows that had he given you the time to open the door, he wouldn't have gotten to know that something was bothering you in the first place.

• now that he knows, he is determined to fight whoever dared to hurt you. so he demands you to let him in and let him help you.

• but you straight up decline his offer, deny him the chance to see you vulnerable and brutally honest. give him the cold shoulder and remain stoic.

• how can you complain about mammon being a tsundere when you yourself are never true to your emotions? wearing a façade. showing a mask and hiding the truth behind a cover.

• that's how you are, though. and it might not be the correct way to live life, it might be wrong to the people you care about. but emotional vulnerability and opening up to others, scare you. it's a haunting experience. it leaves you anxious with a racing heart and what-ifs clogging your brain.

• you shelter yourself through lies and iron walls. hostile behaviour and rude remarks. denial and anger.

• "i know you are hurting mc, but please let me heal you?" he begs.

• you push him out and with hands holding the doors to your room you say, "you are the cause of the pain and the medicine to ease it belphegor. but i can't ask that of you. so please, leave me alone."

🌪️Beelzebub

• this boy truly didn't deserve it. like truly.

• he came to the right place but at the wrong time.

• mc, you jerk.

• you were so done with everyone and everything. your brain was a mess. scattered with anxieties and insecurities of your own. burdened with school work and lucifer's and your own high expectations, aching with Mammon's constant whining and levi's constant forcing to play another new game that he bought from akuzon which you had already denied him for.

• a headache was coming up and you were losing your patience. these past few days had been very hectic and with the things that were already bothering you, you often found yourself helpless.

• helpless because even when you were sure logic could solve every problem, you failed to solve this problem because of your limitations and flaws.

• berating and criticizing yourself, you found yourself spiralling down the rabbit hole of self-doubt and self-hatred.

• you wanted help. you needed help. you felt like you were drowning. and you couldn't breathe. you wanted to scream at the top of your lungs. levi and mammon's stupid immature acts were pushing all your wrong buttons. and when you were trying to calm yourself down and not explode at them, beel came up to you.

• "hey mc, i am feeling very hungry. i haven't eaten anything in thirty whole minutes. can you please make up some-"

• "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!" you screamed so loud, your voice reverberated off the dome shaped walls and all the three demons in the room froze.

• "CAN YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ACT YOUR AGE FOR ONCE?"

• "CAN I GET SOME FUCKING PEACE IN THIS HOUSE OR DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A FUCKING FISH MARKET ALL THE TIME?"

• "you-" you pointed at beel. "you can't make a fucking sandwich on your own? why the fuck do you have to come up to me? what am i? your fucking mother?"

• "and you two," you glared at the second and third born, "mc this, mc that. no mc! mc is fucking dead. leave me alone and don't you dare come to my room."

• beel didn't come down for dinner that night. he didn't mean to put pressure on you. had he known you were dealing with so much he would have never asked you to make him food. he just came to you because tonight was your duty to make dinner.

🌪️Satan

• another overconfident demon

• satan had noticed the change in your demeanor and body language long ago.

• he saw you getting pissed about small things easily. he saw you zoning out into your own little bubble mid conversation. he saw you trying to stay in your room more often. he saw you declining mammon's requests demands to hang out more often.

• he knows something is going on but he chooses to give you space and let you come to him on your own.

• but you don't. and that leaves him confused. it's been days and according to Satan he has given you enough space and time. you should have come running to him about what's bothering you by now.

• decides to wait for another day but he can't sleep now. he is tossing and turning, his mind fixed on you. he is worried. he hasn't seen you the whole day. you two haven't talked at all.

• nah, can't wait. gotta go find you.

• knocks your door at 2 a.m. hair disheveled and half panting. yeah he ran from his room to yours because the boy was getting more impatient every second. so tired walking turned to brisk walking turned to full on running.

• "mc, we need to talk."

• "a'ight." you let him in.

• "why do you seem so distant nowadays, mc? did something happen?" blurts out the second he gets inside.

• satan has a no bullshit, straight to the point policy. (love him for that, muah)

• you are slightly shocked because you weren't prepared for this but pulling on your straight face you say, "you have some misunderstanding, i suppose. i am just fine."

• clicks his tongue. "bullshit. we both know that's a lie. now get to the point."

• "can't help you with your delusions, satan. now go to your room."

• "you can't lie to me. i have been observing you for days. at first i had suspicions but now i have evidence. you-"

• "i am not a fucking case," closing your eyes, you grit you teeth. trying to control your anger. "so play detective somewhere else. don't poke your nose in other's business."

• he is taken aback by your sudden mood change. you have never been this hostile.

• sigh… satan it's called having boundaries babe.

• "don't take your anger out on me. i am here to help, mc. please tell me what is going on?"

• your turn your face away. for a second you felt bad for getting angry at him when's just tryna help but you also know what happens when you open your heart and let others inside. and that has you spewing venom.

• "nothing's wrong. i don't like repeating myself. i need you to leave."

• you see, when you challenge satan, he gets competitive. as if this is some sort of debate or competition and he has got to win.

• "i won't. not unless you speak up. which you will. i ain't gonna see you suffer when i am still here. so speak up, now."

• "you don't tell me shit, blondie." you glare at him. "so get out of my room NOW!"

• satan isn't done with you yet, but you force him out of the room in an instant and he isn't able to stop himself.

• you used your pact.

• shock, then surprise, then anger, then bubbling wrath, then heart break and then pain.

• his eyes seem dull as he walks back to his room.

[twinksintrees]

Please tell more about your playlists! I've been listening to some of them and I'm rll curious about why you put certain songs in playlists and ur anlysises on them!

thank you for the ask!! Bc this ended being way longer than I thought it would be, I’m only going to be focusing on one playlist here, but I will write up similar post for most of my other playlists as well. Today we will be focusing on my Glenn Close playlist.

Edit: a link to the playlist has been added below bc I forgot to put that in when I first posted lmao

Analysis under the cut

Carry on my wayward son: this might be one of the simplest to explain, and its because the cast themselves have joked and talked about how this song fits glenn, even going so far as to make the title to one of the most important glenn centric episodes. It has to be on there imo.

Highway to hell: this one is also simple to explain, glenn became a demon and went through his owm highway to hell, as it were. It also fits into his dad rock theme, as does carry on my wayward son.

I miss having sex but at least i dont want to die anymore: i dont have a real reason for this one honestly, i think i heard this song on a random playlist and it made me think of glenn? I think theres a version of glenn in my head that lives as a human and goes back to the human realm as normal with the other dads and this would be from his pov after he grows and gets older and does some healing i guess?? It doesn’t make a lot of sense ik.

Anna sun: this is one of the songs most closely (heh) associated with glenn in my head. This song makes me think of young glenn, fresh after morgan died, being left with a 7 y/o Nick and no idea how to cope with either of their grief. The chorus of “this house is falling apart” sung with more and more intensity makes me envision a scene where its young glenn, standing in a small, lonely apartment holding a tiny nick in his arms as he looks around, no idea what to do without his wife and best friend here to help him. The lyrics “we got no money, but we got heart” make me think of glenn, failing rockstar, determined to make a way for himself and for his son.

Sickly sweet holidays: i found this one on another glenn playlist, and the christmas theme was perfect, but also, the lyrics “im crying every day, i wish that you were here, when christmas comes this time each year” are so heartbreaking applied to him and morgan if its him singing that after shes gone.

Last christmas: it fit the christmas theme and i just liked the jimmy eat world version lmao.

Home: this song. just breaks me. The pain and the heartbreak and the tragedy of losing someone you care so deeply about just is glenn with morgan. The lyrics “and i got mad when they said that you weren't coming back to me, cause i hate hearing the truth” are crushing in this case especially because glenn does hate hearing the truth. He’s the type of person who avoids his problems until they slap him in the face. He does that with his grief, doesnt acknowledge his or his son’s pain, and it isnt good for him. For either of them.

Ghost of york: this song is on the playlist solely because it slaps and because of the lyrics “and from the corner of my eye/i saw you dressed all in white/i saw you pass right by/maybe i had too much wine/you never said goodbye” for me, this song speaks to a sad, depressed glenn mourning his wife and drowning his pain with drink, wishing he just had the chance to say goodbye one more time.

Afraid: “when i wake i'm afraid somebody else might take my place” i mean, this literally happened with him and jodie. The chorus is glenn talking shit about jodie. “It hurts but i wont fight you” is glenn accepting jodie as Nick’s new father.

Pope is a rockstar: i dont care i dont care if the lyrics are ‘pope is a rockstar’ Glenn sang ‘go little rockstar’ to nick when he was young and you can't change my mind.

Never love an anchor: oooohh boy. Oh boy. Pain. let's go. With the first lyrics alone “on some level i think i always understood/that these hands of mine were clumsy not clever/and i tried to do the best that i could/ but try as i might i could not bring myself to hold you” this is a very glenn song. Glenn Close was not meant to be a father, no matter how much he loved his son. In fact, with the next set of lyrics we’ll be looking at “a ship could never really love an anchor/so i did the only thing that i could/and severed the rope that set you sailing from my harbor” they can be tied directly to him making the choice to let nick go at the trial. “There are times when i still wonder about you/you are someone i have loved but never known” glenn still loves nick, but that's not the same nick he raised. He is someone glenn has loved, but never truly known after the swap with jodie. “You’ll never see the reasons i had/for keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you” nick will never really know the choice, the sacrifice glenn made when he called for the switch. He will never know the pain glenn saved him from losing two parents. “I am selfish i am broken i am cruel” represents all of glenns self hatred and negativity. I think at certain points pf the podcast he genuinely believes all of those things about himself. “I am all the things they might have said to you” is glenn being terrified nick will end up exactly like him and so deeply hoping he doesn't.

The light behind your eyes: this song is from glenn’s pov in prison. “If i could be with you tonight/i would sing you to sleep/never let them take the light behind your eyes” the idea of him being able to get out and sing this for his friends around a campfire, or sing this softly to his son one last time keeps him going. “I failed and lost this fight/never fade in the dark/just remember you will always burn as bright” is glenn literally losing the court case and getting sentenced to the prison, he is the one fading in the dark, and the only thing keeping him going is the memory, the brightness, of his friends and of his son. I also think glenn sang this to nick as a lullaby when he was a little kid.

Death as a fetish: this song also represents glenns incredibly negative internal voice. The repetition of “i will never be good enough” is all of his internal thoughts that he will never open up about or share with anyone.

The soccer journals: read for a better explanation below

Hey there delilah: read the post linked below for an explanation. @that-one-queer-punk pointed this one out to me and actually wrote a fic based on it, and I’ve linked it below if you wanna check it out, it’s good shit.

Cold cold man: this for me is young glenn when he and morgan are just starting to get together. He’s very devoted to her and he truly believes “the only bed worth sleeping’s the one right next to you” he can appear to be smooth, suave guy who sleeps around, but he honestly enjoys a monogamous relationship and would never betray her that way.

Therapy: glenn needs therapy. Plain and simple.

[jameui]

SPECIAL PRESENT 2

Requested

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

PAIRING: Sugar Daddy!Jung Yunoh x College Student!M!Reader (featuring: Bestfriend!Lee Jeno)

GENRE: Fluff, Smut

WARNINGS: Unprotected intercourse, huge age gap, a lot of IMPORTANT flashbacks (i think), daddy kink, sex toys, overstimulation

SUMMARY: You were a striving student in Resonance High and had perfect records. Besides your devotion to your education, you were also gifted with a talent. All these stuffs making your sugar daddy, Jaehyun, proud of you, so he decided to give you a night you won't forget.

He gave Jeno an acknowledging nod for looking out for you for him and carried your smaller body with your legs wrapped around his waist like you were an eight year old. "You asleep, baby?" You buried your head on the crook of his neck and shook them 'no'. "Alright. Cause I don't want dinner going to waste." He made you giggle while you hugged his body tighter that were hanging over his shoulders.

He pulled the door to the passenger's seat and gently seats you down on the comfy chair. He closed the door for you before moving to his side of the car. The driver's. He got inside and made himself comfortable, just as you were putting on your seatbelt. "Are we good to go?"

"Yeap. I'm starving already." You said patting your tummy.

He chuckled with his deep voice that you always find so hot and fascinating. "Were you practicing 'til the late night, again?" He asked you, concern lingering on the tone of his voice.

"Yeah. I stayed with Jeno, though. He was a better mentor, in full honesty." You pouted. "Ah, right. The mentor told me I made him proud." You said like a puppy who was complimented by their owner.

"He did, huh?" He said, before he raised his hand from the steering wheel and patted your head. "I'm more proud of you." You smiled and felt all your insides go giddy as you wiggled cutely on your seat.

You drove through houses and past buildings before you arrived at the older man's house. You were in your first year of college when you ran away from your family's house and moved to a more far off place, somewhere they wouldn't be able to track you down. To support yourself, you rented a room in a boarding house, but had to eventually leave due to you having not enough money to pay for the rent. You tried so hard looking for a job and you did, but it didn't last long. Although, you were paid a good amount of money that helped you with your house renting and food. Of course, you found a very unstable job again, but was fired for your poor performance. Yet again, you were forced to leave the the place you rented and even thought of actually working at a gay bar. Not until you stumbled upon, your now bestfriend, Jeno who offered you a shared room with him in his apartment, which you gladly took.

Jeno was one of your coworkers that you never really got to interact with, so seeing now that he's your roommate, you had to eventually get to know him more and you two grew closer together, becoming the best of friends that you two are now. It was quite coincidental that you two were studying at the same university, so it was a shock for the both of you. You two were roommates 'til the end of your first year, when you met Jaehyun on that faithful day, who was generous enough to invite you to live under the same roof as him. At first, you were very hesitant, but with the agreement he had set between you two, who were you to refuse? Like you said before, you were only up for it because of the money and pleasure.

"Daddy?" You called out to him. In the agreement, you were free to call him anything you wanted if you two were in public, but when it's just the two of you, that nickname should be the one used AND only that. He hummed in reply as his eyes never left the rear view mirror, parking the car in the garage. "Do you ever... er, I know it's a very unnecessary question, but..." You chuckled with hurt on your voice. "... Do you ever get tired of me?"

Jaehyun didn't say anything after he had parked the car. You two only sat there, Jaehyun turning the car engine off, then sighed. "Baby, listen." You were once about to speak again, but he cut you off. "I want to tell you something." The tone in his voice made your heart beat faster, more scared than that recent experience at the dance studio. He held your hand, your eyes falling on them before trailing them up to Jaehyun's who was looking deeply into your E/c orbs. "Don't think of it badly, but a few days into the relationship, I really did thought I wish I shouldn't have met you."

And there it goes. The heartbreak you had always deserved, but his hold on your hand never loosened, rather it tightened and his eyes softening when he noticed your eyes start to prick with tears. "I said, don't think badly about it, M/n."

"How could I not when you're literally breaking my heart?!"

"Baby, let me explain." Jaehyun told you, you letting out a huff.

"Then, explain and if you want to end all this, then just say so. I don't want to get my hopes up." You whined and crossed your arms.

Jaehyun chuckled. "Before I met you, I was always on my desk. Every single day, thinking of nothing, but only work." You side eyed him and huffed, again. "But, now that you're here, you're the only person filling up that space in my mind. All I could ever think of was you and only you. Your smile, your sweet giggles, the way your voice sounded so angelic when you sing, everything about you spiraled in my head, neverending." He softly told you, putting a hand on your thighs that was clothed with the long pants you wore. "You never came to me as just a responsibility anymore. You were my top, number 1, only priority. Now, I regret ever thinking like that."

"Stop, you're gonna make me cry." You shoved your hand on his face to shut him up, to which the older resorted to tickling you. You bursted into fits of laughter not stopping until you two were finally out of breathe. Your eyes locked with each other, your chest heaving up and down, Jaehyun still yet to stop from his chuckling. Once his chuckling died down, you couldn't contain it in yourself anymore and hungrily pressed your lips on his, moving to his side of the car to straddle his thighs.

Jaehyun was taken by surprise from your sudden action, but replied quite faster than you thought. His hands slid down to your ass, kneading it through your pants making you moan in pleasure, Jaehyun using this as a chance to slip his tongue inside your wet cavern mixing his saliva with yours as he danced with your tongue, taking dominance very easily.

His hands went further up your body, sending tingles down your spine making you shudder in your place. He pulled away from your lips, a string of a transparent liquid connecting both of you, whilst his dark brown eyes gazing at you with nothing, but lust deep within those orbs that stared into your soul. "You look so sexy, baby." He told you, before he sloppily placed wet kisses on your jaw, down to your neck making sure to leave hickeys that will be visible for days. The contact of his soft lips on your skin made you sigh shakily from the pleasure he was giving you. He caressed your soft skin from under your large shirt and found its way up to your erect nipples that he always fondly played with whenever you found yourselves in this same exact situation.

An unconscious loud, high pitched noise came out of your mouth, Jaehyun swelling with pride as he smirked, teeth grazing the supple flesh of your neck. "D-daddy.. Mmnh~" You hummed out in pleasure, your hands tangling themselves on Jaehyun's unkempt hair, your head completely empty, but the thought of how the man made you feel so good. "Daddy~"

The way the nickname rolled out your tongue in a very sensual way, earned you a growl from the older male before he bit on that sensitive part of your skin making you scream out a loud moan. He licked on that same area, sucking on it while doing so. Your eyes were half lidded when you felt something under you poke your thighs. He was hard.

Teasingly, you traced your fingers over his clothed member and played with the tip to drive him over the edge. "Stop teasing, baby boy. You know what happens to bad boys, right?" He whispered seductively into your ears, his hot breathe hitting your skin briefly, a minty scent filling your nose.

"Yes, daddy." You nodded your head meekly.

"That's a good boy. Now get to work." He ordered you as you moved back towards your seat in a kneeling position and ducking down to become face to face with the male's crotch. Even from now, you still couldn't get over the fact how he was so huge and how long his dick was. You were still yet to learn how this will fit inside of you. "Come on, baby. Time's a wasting."

You nodded your head submissively and reached over the waistband of his sweatpants and peeled them off only to discover that he was bare on the inside, his sweatpants the only thing that kept his bottom half covered. "Did you expect this to happen, daddy?" You smirked, placing kitten licks on the tip of his semi-erect cock. "You're so hot, daddy." You said, looking up at him while you rested your head on his thighs.

"Baby, please." He begged of you, eyes furrowing.

You smirked before you trailed a small lick from his balls up to his tip, making Jaehyun groan throughout the time he entangled in his hand a fistful of your hair. You can't help, but let a moan slip past your tongue as you continued to place kisses on the head of his cock. You glanced up at him only to see him viewing you with so much lust in his eyes. You understood this as a sign to stop your teasing and wrapped your lips around the head of his cock taking in only a few inches that you could fit into your mouth, using your tongue that sent shivers down Jaehyun's spine as he groaned from the pleasure you gave him.

But, this time, you wanted to make him feel better. You wanted to know how far you can go. You were determined to exert yourself to your maximum limit, so you took all of his cock into your mouth, not even bothering how much you choked around his dick when he reached further down your throat. Upon this, Jaehyun howled. He didn't expect you to take him whole, since you were basically only playing with the head of his member, so this was rather unexpected. "That's right, baby. Make daddy feel good."

You helped yourself first to fully adjust to his size, swallowing around him that made your throat tighten causing to send pleasure through Jaehyun's nerves making him groan out in pleasure, hissing out cusses that made your ego swell with pride as you started to bob your head painfully slowly for Jaehyun's liking.

Occasionally you would look up at Jaehyun who had his head tilted backwards, eyes shut, sighing from the familiar sensation you gave him while he let you do your work. He would take his head back down to you, to peer over you who sucked on his dick like it was a lollipop. "Fuck, baby. Faster."

You followed his command and went a little faster, earning a groan from the lust filled male as he started to guide your head. You stilled yourself, giving him the signal that he can go at his own pace. And so he did. But, you didn't expect that he'd fuck your mouth at a very rough pace.

You held onto his thighs to balance yourself, your eyes rolling back from how much you felt good with just your mouth getting fucked by Jaehyun. The older male grunted and laughed darkly whispering a few curses, letting out chains of groans and sighs that he couldn't help from passing his lips.

His pace didn't stop from increasing its speed, until it became an animalistic pace that made tears fall from your eyes, face reddening at how much stimulation he had put on your mouth. "Fuck, fuck! Baby, your mouth feels so good!"

He peeked over you and saw your eyes staring back at him, as you felt his dick grow bigger in size from inside your mouth. Your eyes were both locked together as he continued to buck his hips inhumanely inside your mouth. "M/n~ Ah~" He moaned out your name, but he was still not near to reaching his climax as he continued to let himself fuck your mouth. You were sure your throat will be sore the day after, but you could careless. This felt like heaven to you and you didn't want anything to stop you.

He finally stopped his harsh movements, letting you move at a pace you can handle. You used your tongue to swirl around his cock, making Jaehyun hiss, knitting his eyebrows causing the small creases on his forehead to appear. "Hah..."

To drive him over the edge more, you continued to suck on the sensitive part of his cock, which was the tip that was now leaking with precum. You slid your tongue over the slit of the bulbous tip of his dick, tasting the saltiness of the juice he produced with your help.

He was so over his head, that he let out a loud curse when his phone started ringing. "Don't stop, baby." You complied, his hand intertwining with the strands of your hair. You repeated the routine and got no reaction from the older male, but you can clearly see that he was just trying to restrain himself from letting out a moan. Feeling challenged, you bobbed your head up and down on his dick going faster and faster each time his tip hit the back of your throat.

Jaehyun, who was still on his phone, smirked down at you at how needy you are for his attention. So, he placed his hands back to your hair and singlehandedly pushed you you even further that made you let out a choked out gasp, but gradually grew accustomed to it, after he gave your head one final push, burying his dick inside your mouth thick spurts of his cum travelling down your throat, some dripping down your mouth. He thrusted a few more times to ride out his high before he let you pull away with a loud pop.

He finally hung up the call and caressed your cheeks, leaning in to whisper. "You did great, baby." He smiled down at you and that's how you eventually fell asleep, forgetting about the dinner that Jaehyun had prepared for the both of you.

Nonetheless, Jaehyun fixed himself up and carried you to his room. He laid you down on the soft mattress of the bed, pulling the sheets over your body before he gives your forehead a small lingering kiss. "Sweet dreams, my little angel." He said, then got up to to turn the lights off, happily watching you sleep one last time, before he went downstairs to finish his work.

The morning after, just as expected, you felt a sting on your throat every time you swallowed or even talk making your voice sound hoarse from the sore throat you were having. Jaehyun kept on apologizing, even though you kept on telling him that it was alright and that it wasn't his fault, but he still insisted and promised you to cook your favorite meal for dinner. Knowing the taller male, you knew there was no way around this, so you just gave in and nodded your head. He was also kind enough to let you hide his bite mark.

"I didn't know your voice could go that deep." Jeno teased you, poking the side of your ribs.

You slapped his hands away. "Fuck you." Your voice came out airy and raspy, sound almost like a broken croak, making you sigh. "Gah... I feel like I shouldn't have—ah—done that a day before the performance." You said, wincing when you felt that rising pain on your throat as you rubbed them to try and ease the sting that was fucking killing you.

"Guess, it's good that I don't do the sucking." Jeno chuckled that made you widen your eyes.

"Who—"

"Lee fucking Jeno. AH!" A rather harsh sounding voice, emitted from behind the said male, taking his attention before he smiled.

"Nana! You came!" Jeno opened his arms and ran to the boy, but he was pushed away by him making Jeno pout.

"Shut the fuck up, Jeno." He groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. "You gave me this sore throat." He glared at Jeno. "And, of course I came. After you fucking threatened me to—"

"Yeah, yeah. That's enough, Jaemin." Jeno said, covering the person's mouth. Jeno took his hand back as quick as lightning, when Jaemin licked on the palm of his hand, a smirk forming on his face. "Gross!"

Jeno was wiping his hands when you rolled your eyes and held a hand at Jaemin for him to shake. "M/n. L/n M/n. A 'friend' of my friend, is a friend of mine. Nice to meet you." You greeted him, Jaemin chuckling at the same exact situation you were in.

"What a top, huh?" Jaemin said, before he shook your hand. "Na Jaemin. Pleased to meet you." He smiled at you while Jeno pulled both your hands away from each other.

"HEY!"

"No. Just no!" Jeno told you both, while knitting your brows in confusion at him. "Jaemin. You're only mine."

"Of course, he's yours. I don't plan on taking him away from you. I just want to be friends." You said in reply to Jeno's statement who pouted. "Besides, I'm not as handsome as you, Jeno, so I can't compete with you."

"I don't mind cute boys." Jaemin crossed his arms, teasing Jeno and probably you, as well as a blush started to paint your cheeks.

"HEY!" Jeno yelled at Jaemin who rolled his eyes before he gave you a wink and walked off. Jeno glared at you and narrowed his eyes. "Mine. Jaemin's mine."

"Then, take him. Geez Luis, Jeno. I already have my own." You stuck your tongue out at him before you went to the studio to change into the costume you were to wear. You waited for your turn, a makeup stylist approaching you to put make up on you. "Oh." You said and the stylist just smiled and started to dab foundation onto your face that matched your skin tone. She gave you a small amount of blush on, giving you an eyeliner and a dark brown eyeshadow to give your eyes a fiery look to match the concept of your performance.

She immediately packed her things up and moved to another student, you giving her a bow as she left. "Wow, look at you. I didn't even recognize it was you." Jeno teased with his arms crossed across his chest.

You gave him a smile and fiddled with you fingers. "I'm actually feeling really scared right now. But, mostly, I can feel the adrenaline rush running through my veins that I could just scream and run out the stage and dance!" You said in glee, until you realized that you had forgotten telling Jaehyun about your performance. "Oh, no. Da—Jaehyun! I forgot to tell him." You groan and checked your pockets for your phone and remembered you left it at home, since you were to excited to even check yourself. You dejectedly sat down on a chair and whimpered.

"He'll be there, M/n. I can tell." Your mentor told you, when he heard your complaints about forgetting to tell Jaehyun, and you immediately lit up and hugged the person.

"Thank you!" You expressed your gratitude, getting the idea of what he meant. You pulled away from him with a wide smile glued stuck to your face.

"Now, you both need to get changed. The opening's 'bout to start." You and Jeno nod your head and went straight to the wardrobe to get change, seeing only two outfits left on the line.

"Just in time." Their dress stylist both gave them what seemed to be like their costumes that was kept inside a black plastic case with a zipper that attached the layer together.

You made your way to the dressing room, one for you and the other for Jeno. You fit yourself just right into the clothes they have assigned for you to wear. You looked at yourself in the mirror and was shocked to see how good you looked on these clothes you're wearing.

You were fit into a maroon loose silk long sleeved polo, the vertical front of the shirt that attaches it together was replaced with laces that stitched around the holes of your clothes' button hole. The sleeves of your polo went further down, just below your wrist, avoiding it from falling by securing it with a button on the hem of the sleeves. For your lower half, you were given tight fitting slack pants that accentuated the size of your bubble butt with your polo neatly tucked inside the waist of your pants. The length of your pants stopped exactly by your ankle, exposing that uncovered area, the wind tickling your ankles. You wore a closed black shoes that complimented the look. You also wore a display lip ring and earring that completed your look, your whole self changing right before your eyes. The gullible and fun you was no longer there, instead it was replaced with a much more unknown version of yourself.

"Damn, I look fine as fuck." You told yourself as you checked yourself out on the mirror that was placed in the dressing room. "Woah..." You said, tracing your fingers on the outline of your ass.

"M/n. You done in there? We're almost up." Jeno's voice called from the busky studio that snapped you from your thoughts and came out of the dressing room. Jeno's head turn to look at you taking in your new look with a lip bite and a whistle. "Damn, bro. You look so hot."

"Thanks, I guess." You giggled, blushing shyly.

A few more compliments later and your group was being called to move to the venue and be at the backstage to prepare. You just stuck to Jeno the whole time going back to the routine a few times to practice and perfect the dance. Jeno was a good friend to the point where he would always be there by your side whenever you needed him. Even at this time, he never left your side and helped calm you down by offering a bubblegum to you, your mind thinking about nothing, but focusing on chewing the gum. Jeno would always initiate a talk with you making you laugh all the time whenever he made faces or make jokes that weren't even funny making it hard for you not to laugh at.

But, it seemed like all Jeno's work went immediately down the gutter when you felt your nervousness come back at once, when the emcee of the opening program started to introduce you to the stage.

Loud cheers and a round of applause were heard as you made your way to the very spacious stage of the place. Your eyes fell to the crowd, feeling yourself break into cold sweat from all the nervousness you felt. It was too heavy that you couldn't—"Daddy?" You smiled when you saw Jaehyun in the crowd and waved his hand at you when you saw your eyes that was happily looking at him. You subtly waved your hand back at him, to which he smiled at, those deep dimples appearing for you.

You got into your position, which consisted of you lying down on the floor, with your right leg folded up, your knee raised up. You had a cutted satin fabric in your back pocket as a prop for yours and Jeno's solo later. You put your hands over your eyes, as a part of your starting position.

Soon, the music started booming through the speakers and you felt your body get trapped to the rhythm of the song as you felt your hands and legs get overtook by the music as you started to gracefully dance to each beat of the song. Jaehyun, with his phone, proudly deciding to film your whole performance.

The first and second half of the song was just your group synchronized dancing to the choreography of what your mentor had taught you and you leading some part of the dance, until the song made a huge turn to a very sensual groove that had only you and Jeno left on the stage. Your solo, with your partner, Jeno, started and everyone in the crowd whistled and gasped, including Jaehyun who felt a little jealous that it wasn't him with you on that stage.

You started with a freestyle by grinding your hips on the cold newly polished floor of the stage, before you were joined by Jeno who stealthily took the fabric from your pocket and slowly wrapped it around your source of vision. He took your chin to turn your head and face him. One hand, not too tightly held the blindfold up only enough, so it doesn't fall, while the other held the back of your neck turning both of you around, so your back faced the audience and he faced the crowd, smirking before he leaned in close to you and staged to make it look like he bit on your neck, then removing the blindfold from your eyes. Then, ending the performance with you falling down to the floor acting lifeless, while Jeno pretended to wipe his lips.

The audience broke into loud claps and shouting out praises in chorus, while Jeno helped you up to your feet giving him a silent thanks and bowed at the people who was watching your performance. You two walked out of the stage and was greeted with hugs from the students feeling like they made a very big accomplishment from how you made the performance very eye catching. "M/n! You were so great out there!"

"Thanks. Jeno helped me a lot." You said, nudging the older, who only chuckled.

"M/n." Jaehyun's voice grabbed your attention, holding his arms out as he smiled at you. You gave him a wide smile and ran to him hugging him with all your might.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you." You voiced out apologetically, pushing your bottom lip forward into a pout and looked up at him. "Sorry, Jaehyun."

"It's okay, baby." He replied, before leaning into your ear. "Because I'm hoping you kept your promise and that's why I have a surprise for you."

You knew what he meant by that, the reason why you were blushing with your eyes wide open. "I.. er.. Yes, yes." You said, playfully punching on his chest. A week prior to today, you had promised to Jaehyun that if you're performance was successful, you'd finally let him pop your cherry, that's why you're blushing so profusely.

"Then, be ready. I'll be seeing you tonight." He whispered one last time before he kissed your cheeks and excused himself since he was still expected at his work.

The whole day, all you could ever think of was what his surprise was and how he would be able to fit his huge dick inside your ass. It was too impossible, you thought, but you were already feeling just as desperate as the older male. You wanted to know how he felt inside you, how he would fuck you 'til the daylight, how he would break your mind and fuck you until you forget your own name. Just the thought of it made you go crazy as you slapped your cheeks and sighed. "Fuck..."

You felt a presence sat themself beside you giving a loud sigh. "So, I'm guessing you're gonna stay up whole night, huh?" It was Jaemin.

You whipped your head at him and looked at him like he was some type of witch or future teller. "How'd you..."

"Gut feeling." Jaemin said.

You didn't know what you signed up for in that time, until today.

It was currently quarter to seven and you were now at the front of the doorstep, not even bothering to say a word. You could only blink your eyes several times, swallowing the large lump that formed in your throat. You let out a deep breathe and was about to put your hand on the knob when the door let out a soft creak and caught sight of Jaehyun who was dressed in nothing, but his boxer shorts. Your hands didn't left the air as you continued to stare up at him, before your eyes fell down his toned abs that were nothing compared to your flabby stomach. "M/n, baby! You're just in time." He smiled at you, but you were still as nervous as ever. Your eyes never left from taking in the view right in front of your eyes, admiring how much his body was so sexy, licking your lips as your eyes fell down his shorts. "M/n."

Your head snapped up towards him, finally out of your train of thoughts. "Yes, daddy?"

"I left your present on the bed, baby. Go check it out." He told you as you did what you were told and moved upstairs to your shared bedroom and saw a pink colored paper bag on top of the bed. You looked at Jaehyun hesitantly, who gave you a smirk and nodded his head up once to the bag to tell you that you should open it. So, you did. And didn't expect to see all sorts of 'toys' inside them.

"D-daddy... these all are..." You managed to let out, these only few words getting the chance to leave your mouth. Your hands trembled, not because you were scared, mainly because you can already feel yourself start to melt and the desperation to just submit to him already.

You felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around you loosely, Jaehyun's hot breathe hitting your neck. He pressed his lips down to your neck and placed kisses that trailed down to your exposed shoulder due to the large shirt you wore that was barely hanging on your shoulders. You tilt your head to the side, giving him more access to your neck as he started to nip on the skin. "Fuck, baby boy." He whispered into your ear, licking your lobe making you sigh in pleasure, as he started to grind his hard on against your ass.

"Ah... daddy.." You moaned out from the feeling of his clothed member on your butt.

He never ceased his movements until he saw your hands still holding onto the bag, his smirk growing wider. "I'll let you pick two, baby and it'll be our special tool for tonight. How's that sound?" He seductively asked you, his lips grazing the back of your ear.

You weakly nodded your head and checked the contents of the paper bag. You were too clouded with the thought of getting pleasured by the older man that you took out whatever you could take in your hand. The chosen items made Jaehyun smirk. "Good choice, baby boy." He moved away from you, already missing the heat his body radiated against yours. He took the bag away from the bed and threw it somewhere in the corner of the room and took the toys you had in your hand. "I gotta say, you have good taste, M/n." He said. "Strip." His voice fell an octave deeper making your knees buckle from his dominating demeanor.

[rayofsunas]

s/o who dies.

A/n: listennnn, I wasn't going to write something dark, but then I unregretfully decided to listen to edgy/dark audios and I was suddenly in the mood to write this so yeah lmao. also, guess what? I'm planning on making a discord server right after posting this! so, be on the lookout for that when I get it all sorted out. also, note for Scaramouche's that the reader inserts tend to lean more femininely versed (I hope that's okay), the only reasons why I do that is because one I simp and I'm female AND two since I am doing a mini-series for Scara, I've kind of based his imagines/fics around that universe (baby daddy universe). I haven't started his yet, but consider these part of that series' universe. anyways as always thank you for requesting anon and enjoy! <333

Summary: you die + how the boys cope afterward.

Parings: Albedo/Gn! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, poison, illness/cancer, murder, arson, obsessive behavior

Word count: 2.1k

Albedo

"You need to keep this on your head." Your lover said for the one-hundredth time, placing the cold cloth on your forehead once again after taking it off only seconds earlier.

"This is pointless," You said, no longer wanting to ignore nor hide behind the invisible thick curtains of the obvious death sentence approaching. "My body rejected the medicine the first twice doses, what's a third time going to do?" You asked, knowing Albedo wouldn't answer; your hope was to knock some sense into his thick skull. but he was too worried trying to ignore the obvious as you had previously been doing, not anymore though.

This was saddening to watch, both Albedo's unfolding and the girl who accidentally poisoned you, whimpering into Sucrose's shoulder. She was only a young girl, barely seventeen when she was chosen to work under Sucrose and your boyfriend. She was very good at Alchemy and luckily had a desire to practice the craft. But unfortunately, she hadn't paid much attention when it came to Surcrose's educational poison lesson and had unknowingly mixed up poisonous liquids and materials.

After tipping over some clutter in Albedo's office and knocking over a test tube laying unsealed on the counter, you had realized the contents spilled on your skin, bleaching into your pores. You had been tasked with bringing the famed alchemist and his assistant some vials and materials for the collection of a rare butterfly they had found. It was both telling and obvious that something was wrong when you never showed up with the required materials requested and it was already too late hours later when the chief Alchemist, his assistant, and Alchemist in training came bounding down the stairs of Albedo's home laboratory.

It didn't take long for the trio to realize something was wrong. Sucrose had found the vile on the floor, most of its contents spilled and in a little puddle, plus your state on a nearby lounge chair was obvious; slumped awkwardly, forehead visibly sweating, eyes closed, breathing raspily.

You accepted the first doses of the supposed nullifying medicine without hesitation, just wanting the numbing feeling to go away. But when it never kicked in you decided it would be best to save the medicine, because it wasn't working. Your time was coming.

"Since the medicine is taking immediate effect, you should try to get the contents out of your system," He said, reaching out for you. Badly you wanted to argue that the medicine wasn't working at all, but he wasn't listening and already has his lean arms wrapped around your middle, helping gently lift and guide you over to the sink.

You hear materials being shoved to the side and soon enough you had your head dangling over the sink, shaking hands gripping the metalled edge tightly. Soon enough, Albedo's hand was on your back rubbing up and down, hoping to comfort you, it wasn't working though. You could only think about your death, what the other side would look like. Could there even be heaven or hell, maybe a place in between, maybe nowhere...?

As soon as you felt the urge to vomit, you did, and despite it being utterly disgusting Albedo seemed to welcome it happily. He took this as something good, but it only worried you when you saw the reddish hues in the bile.

"I think they should leave." You muttered acknowledging Sucrose and Elizabeth, the taste of gooey, metal only becoming more apparent. The blonde agreed, nodding and muttering "Okay."

As Sucrose lead Elizabeth towards the stairs, the pair heard you say. "Goodbye Sucrose, Elizabeth." Which only seemed to make the young girl wail louder.

You sighed sadly once the silence was back. Just your thoughts of death, and Albedo's slowly crushing heart.

"You should probably leave soon as well. I don't want you to be here when I go." Albedo frowned at your statement, head shaking.

"Don't say things like that."

Of course, he'd say that. Why did he feel the need to ignore this when it would only come back to hurt him even more later on when you were gone?

"You're the smartest man I know and we both know where this is heading," You said, head feeling much heavier than before. It was getting closer to your time. "I'm going to die, and you can't do anything about it."

"I'm not leaving your side. We promised to stick together through everything, you can't ask me to leave."

"I guess... But promise me this."

"When I go, stop blaming Elizabeth. It was an accident..." You said sincerely. Albedo wanted to make a fuss about it, tell you he'd never been able to forgive her. But for you, he would try. If it was your list desire, your last wish, he'd make it come true. Though it would be difficult. Accidental or not, she was the reason you were leaving him here, alone.

"Okay, I'll try..." He said honestly.

"Thank you," You said, letting out a shaking breath you had been holding for a very long time. Now you felt much more peaceful. "And since I know you stubbornly won't leave," You started, finally turning away from the sink to look into his cerulean eyes. "At least hold my hand."

"Of course, love."

even a year after your death, no matter how hard he tried, there was still this nagging feeling every time he looked at Elizabeth

he wanted too badly forgive her, but he couldn't

she had, although accidental, taken the one person that meant so much to him and he'd never forgive

Albedo is gonna be distant towards everyone he knows and it's completely purposeful

he doesn't like the pitiful gazes that people send his way and he hates that all the captains stared at him at your funeral

obviously, some questioned if he was able to stay in the field

he hadn't taken any time off, even when Jean advised he was welcome and that it would be best

tbh, albedo's going to have a hard time for a while

Xiao

Why did it have to be you? Why not him? He'd feel much better knowing you could live another day, after all, he'd been living a very long time.

But no, the fallen Archons, Gods, Yaksha had chosen you to join them. He wished that weren't the case

Humans and their pathetic vessels... So weak, he thought. Allowing something like cancer to beat them.

No matter how harsh it sounded, he didn't despise you, no. It wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. He just knew that if you were a godly being this wouldn't have happened like this or at least not so soon; Xiao had known Gods that had terminal illnesses to live years. Why couldn't you be like them?

He hated watching you lie there in that bed, immobile, sickly, and tired, and all you could say was that everything was going to be alright, that he'd be alright.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't be okay without you. He would struggle daily, fall deeper into a hole. You were the light of his life, the only light in his life. And you were gone, just like that. Turning external scars into internal ones tattered all over his dying heart.

Xiao for the longest time has been by himself, so the people of Liyue know it'll be harder for him to overcome this, no matter what he says or does to prove otherwise

Zhongli in particular knows how hard this will be for his friend

his first and probably last love, dead, gone in the blink of an eye

he'll continue fighting all the monsters he crosses, becoming even more violent when he does so, trying his best to get rid of this stupid sickly feeling of heartbreak

but it won't go away, no matter what he does, no matter how absurd

he just wants the feeling to go away, he despises that feeling so much

if you have a secret place somewhere, like in the mountains, Zhongli often finds him there, wallowing in invisible self-pity

"You know they wouldn't want you to be like this." Zhongli would say, only trying to help

but it doesn't

it only enrages Xiao, even more, fuels him to push everyone out of his life again instead of letting them in like he'd done in your presence

Scaramouche

How dare you. How dare you leave him like this. Alone, nonetheless with a toddler to raise who kept crying for her mommy. He couldn't do this without you, he didn't know how to raise a child, speak to her with the gentle care that you did. That was your expertise but now he'd be doing it solo.

And never again would he entrust someone who he cares about, into ignorant, incompetent arms. Never again will he ever allow any member of the Fatui to watch after his daughter; no matter their rank or position. They had one job while he was away doing business in Liyue. Guard your home twenty-four seven, accompany you into Inazuma's port town should you need anything, watch after his daughter while she plays happily in the luscious Inazuma fields. And they couldn't do that. All he gave them was one simple task, watch and keep you and your daughter safe. Instead, they slacked off, probably drunk in some bar while you were being brutally attacked by murderous mercenaries, left to fend for you and your daughter, only to die protecting her and leave your home to be severely burned.

He knew those idiotic Fatui soldiers were incompetent the moment he stepped foot into the harbor and found that everyone seemed to quiet down. Especially the eerily silent soldiers flanked on each side to welcome him home; he was the highest-ranking soldier in the land of Inazuma after all. Not a single one bothered to step forward and tell him what was wrong, what they all criminally allowed happen. Scaramouche only realized what had happened when he was mere minutes away from arriving home, his daughter had come running from his widowed mother's arms, the sight of smoke rising in the air, from the direction of his home. You were nowhere to be seen.

It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. His daughter was clinging to his shirt and his mother only stared with tears of pity.

It didn't take long for the puzzle pieces to be put together and before he knew it, Scaramouche was standing in front of his home, part of it burnt to a crisp and black.

He didn't need to ask what happened, he didn't need to know where you were, because he already knew. What he didn't know was who exactly had done this. But he was going to find out, now.

Incompetent, selfish, bastards. They would all pay for this. The lazy piggish Fatui soldiers who he should've never trusted with such a simple task and the thieves who had murdered you. They all had it rightfully coming.

Scaramouche hates the world after he lost you

he hates it so much and can't understand how this had happened

he's not a good person, so he blames it on karma and those stupid idiots who couldn't protect you

ngl, he's not gonna be around much after your death... his mother would argue that he should be here to raise your daughter, because she's also in pain and doesn't understand that this isn't some game of hide and seek this time

instead, he's focused and driven by revenge

he doesn't listen to a word anybody says, he's much more dangerous than before, and he only trusts his judgment

anyone trying to get him to stop his mission, is someone who doesn't want to see him happy he thinks (though that's not true at all. they hate that he is obsessive over this) but he will personally put a stop to that

and he'll only return home to his daughter and mother when he finds who did this and they along with their bloodline is exterminated

while he's gone, the remainder of his family is relocated somewhere he knows they'll be safe, for example, even though he despises childe, he knows his mom and daughter will be safe with his family

sorry, but Scaramouche will hold this deep-rooted hatred and love for you after you die

yes, he still loves and misses you dearly, but he hates you for leaving him alone, hates that although it wasn't intentional and out of your control, that you were gone

no matter how hard you tried to fight, it was selfish of you to leave him like this

he's not going to stop until he believes whoever was behind this is dead

and in his case, he'll stop believing when he chooses, even if they are innocent/guilty, he'll keep going

3.19.21, rayofsunas

[rendevousz]

mum?

mother figure!nat x fem!teen!reader

avengers x reader

req by @teenwonder ; i absolutely love the entire teams adoration for reader skfksngnsf its so cute! could i please request one a little more nat based? maybe r treats and loves nat like a mom but nat hadn’t noticed that before, and the whole team is like listing examples of how and why 🥺🥺🥺

summary: the four times you needed nat and the one time she admits that she needed you too.

warnings: blood, a random attack out of nowhere because i'm not creative, inaccurate writing of medical situations because i have no idea how those things work, also let's just pretend bruce was around during iron man 2 when tony still had palladium in his arc reactor, also inaccurate descriptions of palladium effects bcs i just...don't know much about palladium pls forgive me thanks, and idk any hospitals in new york/manhattan or even the states LMAO so uh bear with this, and last but not least, my inability to write good endings

word count: 5426

notes: that's a long ass warning nevertheless pls do enjoy this fic <3

"i'm going now, bye!" you bid the team who were having breakfast together, walking out of the common area.

"bye, cupcake! don't get into trouble, don't do what i'd do and definitely don't do what i wouldn't do." tony advised and you rolled your eyes because tony says that to you every morning before you leave for school.

"wait, don't forget your lunch!" nat stands up from her seat and grabs your lunch that she had packed, from the kitchen island, bringing it over to you. "thanks, nat!" you grabbed it, giving her a quick peck on the cheek before leaving.

nat smiles at the action, turning around to walk back to her spot on the table, only to find the team staring back at her with knowing looks.

"what?"

"you know, you only need to sign a couple papers and the kid's all yours." tony states matter-of-factly. nat snaps her head towards the man, an incredulous look on her face. "what are you talking about?"

"we all see the longing looks on both your faces. she's dying for you to call her your daughter and you, her mother." clint explains and the others nodded in agreement.

"that's nonsense. she has wanda too," nat reasons, sitting back down. "i'm pretty sure she sees wanda as a sister considering how much she drags wanda with her whenever she's causing trouble around the tower." steve raises his brows at the redhead who was in denial.

"she sees you as her mother, nat. just accept it," wanda tells her, taking a sip from her glass. "really? name me one time she showed it." nat challenges them, not knowing that they've been watching your interactions with her for the longest time.

"you have no idea what you just got yourself into, romanoff," clint chuckles, cracking his neck and knuckles as if preparing for a fight.

"remember new mexico?" he smirks and nat only frowns, trying to remember.

i.

"no!" you screamed, dropping down to the ground. you didn't care that you scraped your knees doing that, the only thing that mattered was the overwhelming feeling of grief engulfing your whole being. tears streamed down your face as you looked at the debris on the ground, the remainder of what used to be standing in front of you; a building. blown up, now in ruins.

clint, bucky and steve watched you break down in front of them, their hearts breaking at the sight in front of them as well as the fact that their teammate had been caught up in the middle of the explosion.

"y/n/n? come on, tony's team called for back up. we gotta go," steve tried to get you to stand up, failing when you kept your ground. you screamed when he tried again and their hearts clenched at the heartbreaking sound.

"we can't just leave her! please, we have to find her," you cried, clinging onto steve's body as he ran his hand up and down your suit-cladded back to soothe you. "y/n/n, we can't. the whole place is in ruins now," he didn't want to say it but he had to. he had to in order to get you to leave. "she's gone."

"she can't be gone! she can't just leave us! we need her! i need her, stevie.." you cried into his chest and he had to control himself so he didn't cry right then and there too.

he looked up to see bucky looking at the two of you guiltily, tapping his wrist to indicate that they were running out of time. steve had no choice but to carry you in his arms, getting you to leave the site against your will. but you were too weak to fight back now. "what am i gonna do without her now, stevie?" you asked quietly.

"we're gonna be okay, y/n/n," he tells you, sitting you down on a chair and settling down next to you as clint flew the jet to your next location. the atmosphere was tense and you could tell everyone, too, was sad about this.

"what if we're not? what if we're not gonna be okay, stevie? i know i won't be." you wiped the tears streaming down your face despite the fact that your face still wasn't drying up any time soon.

"because nat wouldn't want to see us like this. she'll be angry if she sees that we're risking people's lives just because of her." he says truthfully.

"we're landing, guys." clint announces and the team prepared for another round of fighting. steve turns to you, wiping the tears on your face as he made you look up at him. "now let's save some people and make nat proud, yeah?"

you nod at him sadly, preparing your weapons. all of you got out the jet and the second battle of the day begun. boy, were these people unlucky because they were on the receiving end of your fury.

you were busy taking down a group of guards alone when you heard a familiar voice. "y/n, behind you!" and you turned just in time to take down a guard who was aiming at you.

you didn't even have time to register your shock of seeing the redhead because more guards came at you two. you guys fought alongside each other until all the men were taken down.

"nat?" you breathed out. "yes, bub?" she answers as you both carefully walked over the knocked out men. she was taken aback when you slammed into her, hugging her the tightest you ever did since you met her.

"please don't ever do that again." you mumbled into her chest. she was about to ask you what you meant when she heard you sniffling. figuring out it wasn't the appropriate moment to ask, she continued to just hug and comfort you in silence.

"wait, that was why she cried that day? because she thought i was in that building when it blew up?" nat asks after steve finished the story. "i never found out why because she never told me."

"yeah, you should've seen her when the building exploded. completely shattered my heart, dude." clint states, remembering the broken down state you were in that day.

"wait, did you guys not grief over my supposed death then?" nat glares at clint, bucky and steve. "in our defense, they were about to blow up about a hundred people, we didn't have much time to process the whole situation." clint tries to convince his best friend, only to receive a glare again from her.

"alright but just because she cried when she thought i was dead, doesn't mean she sees me as her mum. i'd cry too if any one of you guys died," she states, still in denial.

she did love you like how a mother would love her child. but she didn't want you to feel that she was forcing the title onto you. after all, you had so many other adults around you, who's to say that you saw someone else as a parent figure instead of her? she didn't want to make you uncomfortable.

"woman, are you serious?" sam exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. "need i remind you that the girl sacrificed her life for you?"

ii.

"nat, watch out!" you stood right behind her where the man was about to attack her. you gave him a harsh kick to the head and that was all it took for the man to go unconscious.

the redhead turned around, not having enough time to comprehend what had happened before you dropped into her arms. you two were lucky the last of the men had already been taken out.

"bub? what's wrong?"

at this point, you were fully leaning against her. she was holding up your whole weight, hands wrapped around your middle to support you. that was when she felt it. the familiar thick substance on her fingers, leaking from the back of your suit.

her eyes widened, pulling one hand away from you to look at it. red. her breathing picked up as one of her hands felt around your back, finally feeling the handle of a knife sticking out from your back.

your eyes were already drooping by now and she lightly shook you awake, careful to not hurt you. she lowered you down and you were both sat on the floor now.

she presses a finger to her ear and you could hear her voice echo in your ear from your own comms. "can someone come please," she paused, exhaling shakily. "y/n's down."

if it had been any other person, she probably would be bringing them to the jet by now but it was you. she didn't know what came over her but when she saw that you were injured, it was like her whole body shut down. her knees felt weak and she couldn't bring herself to move.

"hey, hey, keep your eyes open. can you do that?" she asked gently and you nodded weakly. "bub, why did you do that?" she cried softly, moving your hair away from your face as you leaned sideways against her. the action caused your face to be smudged by your own blood from her hands but she didn't care as she caressed your cheek.

"he–he was gonna hurt you. i–i couldn't..." you paused a while, the pain getting too much for you to bear. "y/n, don't strain yourself. you need to stay awake," she tells you as tears streamed down her face.

"rather me than you," you whispered. nat's eyes widened at this. "don't say that, bub." she scolds gently.

you smiled weakly at her. "i've grown too dependent on you, nat. it's to the point that i," you coughed and nat worried that you were straining yourself but you continued. "that i'd rather die than live without you. you probably can go on with life without me but i can't without you. i need you, nat." your eyes closed and nat panics, shaking your body.

"y/n?! bub?! stay awake, please, they're coming!" nat cries out loud, holding onto your limp body.

"did we not agree to not mention that to me anymore?" nat glares at sam for bringing that up.

the night of that incident had been one of the worst nights for nat. she sat by your bed all night after you had been treated. she had been the first one you saw after you woke up. she had been the one you broke down in front of after you admitted the full reasoning behind your actions. she had been the one who opened her arms for you to make yourself at home in.

"i'm sorry but you must be blind if you can't see how really she sees you for the past years," bucky states. nat turns to him with a glare. "you don't know what you're talking about."

"oh really? who does she call whenever she has a really bad nightmare?" bucky questions rhetorically with his eyebrows raised.

iii.

"no, please, don't!" you begged, asleep and thrashing around in your bed. quiet whimpers turned into heavy breathing as you plead for your life in your nightmare. "please," you whispered, inhaling and exhaling harshly.

FRIDAY, noticing the amount of distress you were in, alerted the closest person to your room, that being bucky who was returning from a late night trip to the kitchen for some water.

he quickly went into your room, only to see you shivering and thrashing around in your bed. "doll?" he approaches slowly, finding you still asleep, though sweating a lot. nightmare, he realised.

"doll? wake up," he gently shakes you and you immediately jolt awake, breathing heavily as you register what was going on. "it's okay, it was just a nightmare," he soothes you, holding you close as one hand rubbed up and down your back while the other held your head to his chest.

none of that helped as you were still in the same state as you were when you woke up. "are you okay?" he asks, worried. "nat... i need nat.. please i need her," you whimpered, shaking in his hold. you were having trouble breathing.

"FRIDAY, get romanoff."

within minutes, nat arrived, looking panicked and disheveled like she had just woken up, which she just did. "what's wrong?" she asks bucky, approaching you two.

"she was having a nightmare and woke up and i think she's having a panic attack. she asked for you," he informs her and immediately moves away when she approaches, so that she could take his place.

"bub? it's me," you look up to meet natasha's pretty green eyes. "you're okay, bub. can you tell me five thing you can see?"

you looked away from her eyes, looking around your room. "i–i see my book on my nightstand, my lamp, my jacket on the chair, my laptop and the painting on the wall." you told her after some difficulties.

"good, that's good. four things you can feel?"

"i feel the socks on my feet, my fluffy blanket, the pillow i'm leaning on and your hands around me."

she smiles softly at you. "three things you can hear?"

"i hear your voice. a–and the faint noise from the ac and i can also hear bucky's breathing." you look up at the man and he smiles sheepishly at you, standing around awkwardly. you gave him a small smile back.

"two things you can smell?"

"i can smell my own shampoo..and my room's air freshener." you told her more calmly now, feeling the panic attack already going away.

"one thing you want to taste?"

"i wanna taste wanda's blueberry pancakes." you pout and the two adults couldn't help but chuckle. "you can have them in the morning. right now you need to sleep so you can have the energy to devour them tomorrow, okay?" you nod at the woman as she tucks you in.

not long after, you fell asleep. she then presses a kiss to your forehead before leaving with a less worried bucky now. and sure enough, the next morning, wanda made you blueberry pancakes.

"okay, so what? we all need someone to help us through panic attacks?" nat rolls her eyes. "did you miss the part where i came in and tried to help but she specifically asked for you? she needed you, nat."

"guys, i... i love her with my whole heart but she has all of us. i don't wanna make her feel like she's restricted to only one of us. you all love her too," nat reasons.

"yes but she doesn't have anyone to call her mum and frankly, i think you'd be perfect for it." wanda encourages the older woman.

"i—" before she could continue, her phone rang loudly and she thanked whoever it was that called her because now she didn't have to make up excuses about her doubt of becoming your official mother.

iv.

she looks down at the caller id, sighing when it was you, meaning the team had more against her now. of course she didn't mind you calling her, you could call her when she'd be asleep after a mission and she'd still pick up with a smile on her face. but it was the fact that the whole team could see how she softened when she realised it was you who called that bothered her. she really didn't want them to let her have hopes that you'd accept her as your mother.

"bub?" she said into the phone and half the team smirked at her while the other half gave her knowing smiles. "aren't you supposed to be on your way to school?"

"yeah but uh are you busy right now? i um, i need you."

nat immediately stands up, worry etched onto her face and the team frowned at this. "what happened? are you okay?"

"you know how i told happy i wanted to walk to school today? yeah, i just remembered why i don't walk to school anymore."

"what do you mean? what happened? are you hurt? did someone hurt you?" she bombards you with questions out of worry. at this point, the team had also stopped their chatter and teasing looks, equally worried for your well-being.

"yeah, i am. wait, maybe not. i mean, i was just being dramatic but uh, i tripped on who-knows-what and now i have a sprained ankle. i can't walk now so i'm standing in an alley right now so i'm not in the way of people. can you come get me?"

nat sighs in relief, thankful that it wasn't anything that she was thinking of. "you are unbelievable, y/n." she chuckles in disbelief at your clumsiness. "can you tell me where you are? i'll come get you now. i'll have the school know you're not coming today." you told her your location and she immediately leaves after telling the team what happened to you.

you were expecting nat to call again, to tell you she was around the corner but instead you heard a whoosh of air beside your head, followed by a crack sound. your head followed the sound, eyes widening when you saw that a dart had struck the wall beside your head. you looked ahead, trying to see where that came from.

if it hadn't been for your fast reflexes being an avenger for the past few years, you probably wouldn't have ducked in time when another dart came flying right for your head. "what the hell?" you grunted, staying low but still looking around for the source. you squinted when you looked up, the sun blazing but you managed to catch a glimpse of a man on a rooftop nearby. he had blonde hair and was dressed in all black, donning a same coloured mask that covered the bottom half of his face.

"you had one job! how could you miss her twice?!" the blonde hears his colleague hiss in his ear through the earpiece. "i'm sorry! i'm no hawkeye, how was i supposed to get her in one try?!" he scolds back.

"you didn't even get her in two!"

"shut up and just let me work! you're distracting me!"

"hurry because i see the redheaded one nearing the alley. boss'll kill us if he finds out we didn't get her in her vulnerable state."

"i'm trying, i'm trying!" the blonde closes one eye, his sight now locked on your crouched state. he saw you move once you saw him and he cursed under his breath, his weapon following your movements. "she's moving!"

"just take the shot and be done with it! you have to go now!"

and shoot he did. after he shot the dart gun, he immediately fled but it wasn't like you were going to be able to chase him down or anything. a scream left your lips as a dart pierced through your skin, right under your shoulder.

you dropped down to the ground, right in the middle of the alleyway. you cried when you felt the burn in your flesh. you had been stabbed multiple times before with much bigger objects so why did this feel different?

"y/n?! is that you?!" you heard nat's voice yell from a small distance away. "i'm here," you croaked out, feeling your body grow weaker at an alarming rate.

"oh my god, bub, why are you on the ground? it's dirty, c'mon let's get you up. which foot did you sprain?" she places both her hands under your arms, pulling you up on your feet before accidentally dropping you back when you let out a shriek, crying out in pain.

"oh my god, did i hit your ankle? are you okay?" nat assumed that your tear-stained face was because of your sprained ankle but then you wheezed, your eyes drooping the longer she stood there.

your right hand slowly reached across your left shoulder, the butt of the dart sticking out of your skin now in between your shaking fingers. nat's eyes followed your hand movement's, a gasp leaving her lips.

"y/n, what happened?!" she panicked but before she could even get an answer from you, you had already blacked out. her eyes widened, knowing it was the dart because why else would you pass out that quick from a simple penetration in the shoulder. you had dealt with much worse than that and she knew your tolerance level.

she took off your bag, careful to not move the dart. she then placed her hands under your knees and behind your back, easily picking your unconscious body up and rushing back to the tower.

when she arrived, she was met with many confused yet concerned looks from the tower staff, seeing the black widow, rushing in with the youngest avenger unconscious in her arms. they had seen you leave the tower for school about half an hour ago so they knew something must've happened on the way.

"get bruce in the hospital wing. tell him it's urgent." she tells the woman working the front desk, hurrying into the elevator and telling FRIDAY to get her to the floor she so desperately wanted to arrive at quicker. black lines appeared on the left side of your neck, slowly spreading to the right side and she assumed it was from that damned dart in your left shoulder.

"natasha! what's wrong? they said it was an emergency," the doctor spoke in a panicked voice when nat entered, immediately going quiet when he saw you in her arms, neck lined with seemingly black veins.

nat laid you down on the surgery table, frown growing when black lines steadily spread to your arms now. though she was too worried to think, she managed to at least tell bruce what was outwardly wrong with you.

"dart. left shoulder." she blurted, incapable of forming proper sentences now that she had seen more of you. the black lining your skin got her speechless and anxious. bruce got ready with medical gloves, removing the dart from your flesh before analysing the pattern of your skin. it looked familiar.

"FRIDAY, get tony down here. it's urgent."

"bruce, please, what's wrong with her?" she cried, tears now freely streaming down her face. she didn't cry much in front of anyone but when it came to you, you always managed to get her to do just that.

"hey, what's going on? FRIDAY said there was an emergency here, who's hurt?" nat heard tony's panicked voice but she didn't make an effort to reply. her gaze was fixed on only you.

tony's jaw dropped, frowning when he saw you on the bed, upper body covered in black lines. "what the hell happened?!"

tony stepped beside bruce, taking a closer look at your skin. his frown deepened. "wait, it looks like.."

"yeah, looks exactly like when you had palladium instead of vibranium in your arc reactor."

"does that mean—"

"palladium's been running through her veins for about twenty minutes now. FRIDAY, how high is her blood toxicity level?" bruce asks, sampling a drop of your blood from when he took out the dart.

"53% and it is still steadily increasing."

"tony, at the rate it's going, if she's not treated in the next fifteen minutes or so, she'll.." bruce pauses, not wanting to say it out loud.

"no, she just needs lithium dioxide. that's how fury and i cured your palladium poisoning, tony." nat finally speaks.

"SHIELD probably has them but they're all the way in dc. they're not gonna reach here in time," tony states solemnly, reaching over to move your hair out of your face, looking down at you sadly.

but he was immediately pulled aside, nat grabbing his collar and looking him straight in the eyes. "you have your stupid iron suits that can probably travel faster than the speed of sound if you try. you can go down there yourself and get the damn thing. i swear to god, tony, i'm literally going to destroy those stupid suits myself if you don't put them to good use." nat threatens, glaring at the billionaire.

tony's eyes widened, the genius having not thought about nat's idea yet. "yeah, yeah, you're right, i'll go now."

he left immediately and nat approached your bed hesitantly, not wanting to see the black lines making home on the skin on your upper body. "do you think tony'll make it back in time?" she sniffles and bruce's worried frown on his face softened. "of course he will. he won't let anything happen to y/n. we won't let anything happen to y/n." he assured her.

there was nothing they could do now but wait for tony to come back with the lithium dioxide. nat sat beside your bed, hands gingerly grasping one of your own. despite the black staining it, nat held it to her face and her tears rolled past the back of your hand.

bruce decided to give her some privacy, opting to inform the whole team of the situation instead of standing around idly.

nat pulled your hand away from her face, rubbing her thumb over the back of it, crying even more at the sight in front of her. "y/n, please. i've never told you this but i need you." she pauses, breathing in shakily. "i've always needed you and i'll always need you. you can't leave me, please. you said i could go on with life without you but you're so wrong, y/n. you're the reason i'm still here and you're the reason i still want to be here. if you're not here then it's as if i have no reason, no purpose. i need you, y/n. so much more than i'd like to admit. heck, probably much more than you need me. so please, don't leave me. i can't do this without you." nat sobs out, watching the patterns on your skin spreading and growing bolder.

at this point, the whole team had now gathered outside of the room, watching nat cry over you. they wanted so bad to get a closer look at their beloved baby avenger but they respected nat and instead, waited for her to finish talking to you. once she stood up and looked around, bruce knew she was done so he entered, followed by the team.

"status, FRIDAY?" bruce asks, sampling a bit of your blood again. "blood toxicity at 96% now."

the team looked your unconscious body in apprehension, some crying and some worried out of their minds.

"goddamnit! where the hell is stark?!" nat growled. her eyes were now puffy after having spent the last half an hour crying. the team had never seen her lose her cool like this but they figured why.

as if on cue, tony's iron man suit crashed through the windows of the room but he couldn't care less. his main priority was to get to you quickly. in his hand was a silver briefcase that he passed to bruce.

bruce opened the case before wasting no time in plunging the syringe containing lithium dioxide, your supposed cure, into you. immediately, the black patterns on your skin started disappearing. it was slow but noticeable. it started from the tips of your fingers, going up towards your neck.

everyone sighed in relief, and to tony's surprise, nat hugged him tightly. "thank you. you have no idea how much this means to me." she whispers. tony pats her back gently. "hey, i care about her too, okay? of course i'd do this for her. any one of us would."

nat smiles at him when she let him go, turning back to you and almost crying out in joy when your skin had finally turned back to normal. she let the medical assistants set your bed up and handle your sprained ankle before going back to sit by you. the team left her alone with you once again.

it was only about an hour later did you wake up, squinting when bright lights shone down on you. you moved around but you felt hands around your left and you heard a familiar voice.

"and remember when you dragged wanda to pull that prank on me with you and after you did, i grounded you like i was your mum or something?" you hear her chuckle, still not noticing that you've woken up.

"i didn't mind, though. frankly, i don't think i would ever mind if you continued acting like my mother or something," you spoke and she immediately tore her gaze from your hands, looking at you, now wide awake.

"bub!" she hugs you so tightly you didn't think you could breathe. you still returned the hug though, laughing. "i was worried you might still have some palladium in your bloodstream."

"wait, palladium?" you asked her in shock. "yeah, the dart that got you in that alley, it contained palladium. it's highly toxic so we used lithium dioxide to counter it. speaking of the dart, i'm going to find out who did this to you and they're never going to see the light of day for putting us through all of this." nat says, disturbingly calm.

"yeah...you do that," you tell her, slightly scared. "but palladium? in my blood? how cool is that? i had literal metal in my blood! i could've become like tony but like...palladium woman or something." you said excitedly.

"you do know we already have metal in our blood, right bub?" nat questions in amusement. "oh." you say dumbly. "and palladium don't belong in our body and you literally almost died because of it." your mouth opened but no words came out.

"speaking of, can you please not do that again? i really thought i was gonna lose you." she whispers, stroking your hair. "oh yeah, of course. i'll just announce to the whole world to not target the youngest avenger," you joke, smile dropping when nat gave you a stern look.

"nat, being part of the avengers at my age undoubtedly means i'll be a target for the bad people out there, but i don't care because while i get to kick ass, i know all of you have my back when it's my ass that's kicked. and i think that's the best part of being an avenger; the sense of security i get having you amazing people as my teammates." you tell her honestly and she smiles softly.

"oh come here you," she pulls you in for another hug but this time it's better because you could still breathe. you make yourself comfortable, snuggling into her.

"did you mean it?" she asked and you look up at her in confusion. "mean what?"

"when you said you wouldn't mind me acting like your mother."

"of course i do, you're like the mother i never had. i wouldn't even mind you being my actual mother." you say without a second thought, eyes widening when you realised what you had said. you swore under your breath, knowing you've just made it awkward between you two.

"i– really?" despite the teams efforts to make her see the truth, it was much more meaningful when she heard you say it yourself. "y–yeah.." you admit sheepishly.

"then you wouldn't mind if i actually adopted you?" she asks carefully, gauging your reaction. your jaw dropped, eyes going wide once again. "are you serious?!"

"yeah." she smiles at you fondly. "no! of course i won't mind!" you hug her tightly, tears forming in your eyes. you had gone all your life without parents so this was a huge thing for you. not only were you going to finally have a mother, but the most amazing woman you knew was going to be your mother.

"mum?" you tested the title, smiling when she acknowledged it. you were now crying in joy.

"hey, don't cry." she soothes you, running a hand up and down your back. "no, no, i'm just so happy. this is the best day of my life." you tell her. "me too, bub."

you stayed in her arms until you fell back asleep, nat tucking you in before going back to sit down on the chair. she looked down at you fondly.

sure, she was scared of the big step she was about to take with you but she had you with her and she knew that was enough. "i love you, y/n." she whispers, planting a kiss on the side of your head.

taglist <3

@amourtentiaa @rqmanoff @abitofeverythinggg @andreasworlsboring101 @cay-writes-fan-fiction514 @teenwonder @sevenmorningstars @fleurlovesbucky

[swimmingleo]

Changes: or to take the higher ground before it's too late

I'm going to be real here folks, I cry ugly tears to this song. Bad.

Changes is a song on Cam's album "The Otherside". It's country, it's folk and it's an album a bit influenced by changes in Cam's life (a change of label, personal life). She collaborated with Harry on the song Changes, as she opened for him on a venue and was already working with Tyler Johnson.

From what I gathered: Harry sent her the demo of the song, implying he made most of the writing on this one. What I'm basing this claim on is her interview for Rolling Stones (read it here):

I heard [the demo] and was just like, “Oh, this ache to outgrow something that you don’t want to outgrow!” It felt so good. I normally don’t take outside songs [...]

‼️DISCLAIMER‼️when analysing this song, I'm gonna go from the idea of it being written with a queer mindset (how surprising of me). Cam rendered the song beautifully and it is very much her own, but I believe Harry's input is consequential. After all that's his lil whistle and cute fishsona in the MV.

Sad queer analysis ahead.

Let's analyse the lyrics first:

There is a town

Somewhere down a country road

The speaker describes the town to us, from memory, from experience. "There it is, down the road, can you picture it ?"

I see it now

I take it everywhere I go

The speaker doesn't currently live in the town, they're on the move (nice throwback to the coutry road). But despite all the travelling, they realize the sedentary smalltown never leaves them. It's part of them. It left a mark on them.

The river sways, I can almost hear it now

As if to say, "You're not the only one who wants a way out"

The town is so real to the speaker they can sense it, eyes and ears. But it gets a bit dark: the river sways like it's trying to leave its bed. The river is envious of the speaker who managed to leave. The town is so toxic even nature wants to get away from it. Or the speaker resents the town so bad that they project their own resentment on the river.

So, I go

'Cause I don't wanna feel like I don't know you anymore

I memorize those roads

This is the call for the speaker to leave for good. Their motive doesn't seem to be ambitious or anything grand. They leave because they apprehend a feeling. Apprehending a feeling, something that may not even happen, is the way of an anxious person. Anxiety is the motive of their departure. However, they still memorize the roads leading to the town, just in case. Perhaps one day they'll come back.

Somewhere out in the big wild country

Someone's fallin' in love in a backseat

Givin' it away

Like their hearts won't ever break

Suddenly it's about love ! Young love, one that is lived in the small compartment of a car, somewhere hidden and safe in the big wild country. As if the countryside was unexplored and threatening.

God bless the young hearts sippin' cheap wine

Gettin' drunk with their friends for the first time

Thinkin' nothing's gonna change

'Til everything changes

The speaker looks at the youth with tenderness, wishing them the best. But once again, they're not in the town in the present time, they don't see the youngsters fooling around, they can only guess from first-hand experience. And it's very specific: falling in love, getting drunk with friends and thinking everything's gonna be easy like that forever until it's not and heartbreak ensues.

From there I hop in with the raw queer theme of those lyrics. It started by falling in love and it ended up in a heartbreak. In between, the speaker got drunk for the first time with their friends, people they trusted enough to let go a little, but in the end everything changed. Why ? Alcohol makes you forget about code of conduct, how you're supposed to behave. It makes you say or do things you might not have done sober.

We can interprete this chorus as the beginning of the end for the speaker. It's the only part of the song evocating the past, and it's fun and easy, but it's also where things started to get bad the way they are in the present. Something might have happened that first time the speaker got drunk and it marked the end of innocence and careless childhood, and it probably has to do with love as no other factor is provided apart from falling in love and heartbreak.

They never leave

They're all havin' babies now

Watchin' daytime TV

Livin' off the gossip of a cruel small town

They. With Harry, it's always You, Me, and They. They are having babies, all of them, like it's not a very difficult thing to do, it's just natural. They have the leisure of the day, not a thing to worry about, if not gossip. It's not implied anymore, the small town is downright cruel. Gossip fuels it, but on behalf of someone else, and that someone is most definitely the speaker who left and who describes its inhabitants in the most mundane way, perhaps with a hint of contempt. The speaker seems bitter.

So, I go

'Cause I don't wanna feel like you don't know me anymore

Don't recognize my face

Reprise of the pre-chorus except now, the speaker provides another reason for their departure. Not only they feared they wouldn't know the town anymore, they also feared being seen as a stranger. It's not like the speaker actually changed physically: but it might as well feel like it. Again, apprehension, anguish. As implied in the chorus, things changed to the point where the speaker feels they would seem like a whole another person to the rest of the town, a stranger, a threat to the integrity of the conservatives. So they leave before this shift in perception can happen.

There ain't nothing here for me anymore

They say they don't hear from me anymore

And I don't wanna hear it anymore

The town is not outwardly hostile. It's still the town that saw the speaker as a kid. The town doesn't understand why the speaker left, but the speaker won't give in and get in touch. They want to be as far away as possible, until they don't hear the questions, the river, everything. It's almost like the speaker doesn't carry the town in their heart at all. They want to forget it all, and it hurts everytime the town tries to lure them back in. The way Cam sings it is painful to me man

Somewhere out in the big wild country

I was fallin' in love in a backseat

Givin' it away

Like my heart won't ever break

Had such a young heart sippin' cheap wine

Gettin' drunk with my friends for the first time

Thinkin' nothing's gonna change

'Til everything changes

Yeah, just the confirmation of the chorus being the speaker's experience. I went ahead and assumed it was already lol but it's like a plot twist effect. It's dramatic. It's a personal song to someone.

TO MAKE IT SHORT to me this song is intense and very in touch with the queer experience. Though it describes a specific situation, it is surprisingly not that detailed or full of metaphors the way Harry often writes: this town could be literally any smalltown in the countryside. The backseat could be the one of any car, cheap wine is something any teen can afford. I like to think Harry wrote it for himself but is also aware so many people went through the same thing, and still will. I have to admit I'm heavily biased writing this, as the experience of a queer kid struggling to find their place in a well settled smalltown is familiar.

GETTING DRUNK AND QUEER IDENTITY is an analogy Harry already used in Fine Line when he sang "We'll get the drinks in so I'll get to thinking of her". To drink is to let go, to unveil the most subconscious aspects of yourself you might not want to deal with otherwise. You don't care about judgement and you get to explore those parts freely. In Changes, this is the last memory they recall before stating the changes and their departure. Perhaps getting drunk for the first time would be when they realized they're queer. Or acted upon it, causing their little world to shake. They chose to leave before it eventually wouldn't feel like a choice anymore. There is no life for people like them in a cruel smalltown.

SMALLTOWN BOY

This song reminds me an awful lot of Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat. The song is about a queer boy having to leave the smalltown where he grew up because of persecutions and no future prospects.

Mother will never understand why you had to leave, Smalltown Boy

They say they don't hear from me anymore, Changes

But the answers you seek will never be found at home, the love that you need will never be found at home

There is nothing here for me anymore

Other people not understanding why they leave. People who can't truly empathize even when they mean no harm. They would never understand the speaker's departure, because those people get to find love and have babies and live a peaceful life in the countryside.

You were the one that they'd talk about around town as they put you down

Livin' off the gossip of a cruel small town

Yeah yeah. I really struggle with just seeing this song as nostalgia when such harsh words are being used. I do believe there is a part of fondness for that town, that countryside setting and the early days. But it's not all tender memories.

CHANGES AND ERODA

Of couuuurse we all noticed the adorable purple fish with the pearl necklace. It represents Harry, no question, as it whistles Harry's part. And of couuuuurse we all made the link with the erodian fish, and some even noticed they formed the bluegreener pair when their colors are inverted.

It makes sense for those fishes to be connected with this interpretation of Changes. Both works are about a small town, lost in the nature, where the people are watching, aware of everything that isn't normal, that is peculiar. The early life of the peculiar boy is similar in every way to the early life of the speaker in Changes. The fish in Adore You grows too big for the island and has to leave, and though Eroda makes amends with the peculiar boy, he leaves as well because his future, his fulfilment, is somewhere else. So does the speaker in Changes.

IN CONCLUSION

The more I write posts like this, the more endeared I am by Harry's world. How Harry writes for himself, but also for other people with songs like this. How nature finds its way in all that he does. How grounded he is, how he doesn't seem to forget where he came from. It really is such a rare thing to see in a mainstream popstar's writing and art. How can someone say he sold his soul to LA is beyond me

[lovebillyhargrove]

hello i love you so much thankyou thankyou thankyou for the nicest words omg 🥺🥺

and literally yes!!! like it doesn't make SENSE that neil just up and left cos billy died like that literally just. does not TRACK. so therefore, something must've happened!!! okay something HAD to have happened!!! it's the only way it fits!!!

and something happening between flayed!billy and neil would he like. extra fucked up and heartbreaking. cos we KNOW billy's in there, trying to claw his way out, begging for someone, anyone, to see, to help. so flayed!billy going into billy's HOUSE?? running into his FATHER??? like u just know billy probably breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of neil probably for the first time in his life. only for neil to clearly notice something was wrong, but the second billy broke through, used his own voice??? neil just!!!! being the piece of shit dad that billy's always known him as!!! billy probably beating himself up for even considering the thought that fucking NEIL would be the one to save him.

and neil!!! neil in the hours between the run-in in the kitchen and the phone call that brought him to starcourt, probably just KNOWING that something was up, like. he knows his son. as much as billy hates it, neil KNOWS him. better than probably anyone, unfortunately. and in his own messed up way, neil fucking loves billy. god knows he doesn't like him, sure as shit isn't proud of him like some fathers are of their sons, but billy's his son, for better or worse, and he's done his damn best to raise him to be the Man neil thinks he should be. and billy hasn't made it easy, and tough love's the only option left usually, but it's still love.

so then billy's fucking dead, and there's no logical reason, there's no explanation, there's no body. there's just the echo of billy crying, of him asking neil for help, fucking begging, and neil reacting the way he always reacts, becos billy needs to grow the hell up. can't just cry and expect everyone to make everything all better. needs to toughen the fuck up and act like a man and handle his own shit. just like neil was expected to.

except now billy's dead, and neil use to wish for the kind of peace the house now has, but it's too quiet, and he never realised max had so many friends houses that she hung out at, and he thought billy use to complain just to complain about the mowing situation out back, but no, the backyard really is a bitch to mow. and now neil's gotta live with that. turns out, he fucking can't.

okay this escaped me again omg i am truly sorry but billy & his parents situation really fucking gets me and i, too, think way to much about it. cos ur RIGHT!!! neil truly is complicated!!! like he's a middle aged man thats chosen to not get help re:his shitty parenting and obvious life issues, so my sympathies are limited compared to billy. but!!!! boy, do i sure love thinking about that complicated mess!!! please feel free to share literly every headcanon and thought you have about them, becos i would be obsessed with them probably 🥺🥺 - @biillys

Hi) thank you so much for your amazing answer to my comments!!! ❤️ I kept rereading your piece all day. BEAUTIFULLY heartbreaking ideas, and i agree with your every word. Also, i mean, it absolutely makes sense in the light of s4 where neil disappears (like.. why??), but. BUT. It also makes perfect sense when it comes down to s3 as well, because hey .. billy was possessed for several days. He LIVED at home. He had to interact with his dad!! We never saw that, but it had to be there. And because billy has very complicated feelings towards neil, he would absolutely do something at least while being possessed. Some hc that he would just plain kill him, and that also makes sense. But your idea - of billy reaching out for help to neil - i LOVE this idea. It reflects their relationship. As does Neil's reaction to Billy's death. I'm so glad you shared your thoughts with me on that matter!!!❤️ Neil HAS feelings towards his son. It's just all fucked up. And it's just .. he would be absolutely HAUNTED by what happened to billy, especially always remembering how he DIDN'T help. He would be haunted, and that would be his lifelong punishment

Omg I am so emotional over your words. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!! And please, MORE

It's a whole fic right there. A whole beautiful fic❤️

[imagineredwood]

14. Red lipstick and cigarettes 💋🚬(Angel)

Summary: You and Angel broke up weeks ago and haven’t had any form of contact since, but when luck has you both end up at the same bar, the flame reignites. 

Request: Aesthetics 14 with Angel, happy ending

Pairing: Angel Reyes x reader 

Warnings: Mentions of breakups, heartbreak, angst but with a happy ending 

Word count: 1.4K

A/N: Can someone tell me why this “drabble” is 1.4k when my regular stories struggle to hit that many 🥴

Angel takes another sip from his beer before putting the bottle down, his ringed hand coming up to bring the half-gone cigarette up to his lips. He takes a long drag, lungs burning as he holds it in for longer than usual, a cloud of smoke billowing around him as he lets out a slow breath. The cloud surrounds him and he can't help but see it as a demonstration of how he's felt lately.

Cloudy.

Hazy.

Out of focus.

It's been weeks since you and he had split, and despite what everyone had said, it had not gotten easier. On the contrary. It seemed like every day it got even harder to deal with. It had been mutual; both of you agreeing that Angel just wasn't around as much as you wanted him to be. The club took a lot of his time, and his side business with Los Olvidados took up even more. You missed him and while he wanted nothing more than to give you every little bit of his attention, the club had to come first. It had been heartbreaking, tears shed on both sides, but you both knew that it was for the better. Best to break things off civilly before it came to a head and lead to a blow-up.

Even still, it wasn't something that either of you wanted, more a necessary evil. You had kept your distance, neither of you contacting the other nor meeting up. You had stayed away from the clubhouse, something that had proven harder than you had anticipated. EZ and Coco had taken Angel out to a local bar, hoping to get the Mayan to relax and let go for the night. It had proven difficult, Angel simply smoking and drinking in near silence, only speaking when spoken to. When he heard your voice, he figured it was just his imagination, his brain taunting him for his decision to let you go. He scoffed, disgusted with his own mind for toying with him like that. It wasn't until he heard your voice again, closer this time as it ordered your favorite drink that he sat up straighter, head whipping around to look down the bar.

And there you were, arms resting on the shiny counter as you leaned forward, talking to the bartender.

You looked stunning.

Your skin was glowing, the warm lights in the bar casting shadows and accenting highlights. He could see the slight shimmer on your shoulder, knowing exactly which lotion you were wearing. And he could smell you then, his brain tapping into his senses. He could remember running the tip of his nose along your shoulder blade as you rubbed the lotion into your skin after a shower,  the scent of you intoxicating. You looked the same too, though the red on your lips was something a bit new. You only wore it every now and then, when the mood struck you. Angel could remember vividly the time he had left your house in a rush early in the morning, only to be teased by the guys for the lipstick behind his ear that he had missed in the shower. It was an elbow to the ribs that drew his attention away from you and back to Coco.

"Stop staring, you look creepy as fuck."

Angel scoffed, waving his hand dismissively before turning to look back at you. When he did, his heart jumped, finding your eyes on him now. They were wide, clearly not having expected to see him there. The corner of your mouth turned up slightly and he nodded once, returning his own pisspoor excuse of a smile. He looked away first, not wanting to make you uncomfortable. He'd be lying if he said it wasn't also to keep his composure.

The soft-touch to his back startled him and he looked behind him, ready to tell whichever woman it was that he wasn't interested. But there's your voice again.

"Hey."

He turned to look at you and unsurprisingly, you look even more beautiful than he remembers you. His voice is breathless as he responds.

"Hey, querida."

You looked to EZ and Coco then, offering them hugs before coming to stand closer to Angel again.

"Sorry, didn't want to just ignore you and not say hi."

All three nodded, Angel's eyes still glued to you as the other two shared a look. EZ was standing then, Coco following suit.

"We're gonna go get some air, we'll be back. Good seeing you."

It was tense and awkward, the two other Mayans missing you but not wanting to anger Angel by making it seem like they were trying to rope you back in. With it being only the two of you now, Angel swallowed before pointing to the seat Coco had just been in.

"You wanna sit, or..."

He could see the hesitation on your face, not knowing what was the best choice, and his mouth was moving before his brain could keep up as per usual.

"I want you to."

Your eyes were warm as they landed back on him and you nodded softly, your voice even softer as you took a seat.

"Ok."

There was an awkward silence, neither of you knowing what to say. Angel spoke first, going with the option of full transparency.

"I miss you."

The sad smile that graced your lips had him wanting to wrap you up in his arms at once, but he refrained. With a nod, you agreed.

"I miss you too."

It was the tears welling in your eyes that sealed it for him as he pushed closer to you, his knees against yours as he placed his hand on your back, his own heart pained.

"Don't cry, mama."

You chuckled, though there was nothing funny, your hand coming up to dab at your eye.

"Last person I thought I would bump into tonight was you."

Angel nodded, offering a small smile.

"If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't expecting that shit either."

There was a bit of silence then, Angel biting his lip as he swallowed down the urge to just take you into his arms. With his fingers running up and down your back, he sighed, looking back over at where you had been to see your friends there, the women quickly looking away under his gaze. You chuckled again, sitting up straighter now that the overwhelming emotion had subsided.

"They brought me out to try and get over you. I can see EZ and Coco did the same."

"And how's that working out?"

Angel's question was direct and so were his eyes as they stared down at you. With a shrug, you answered.

"Obviously not great if I'm sitting here crying in a bar."

The Mayan chuckled and so did you, the chemistry between the two of you so intense it burned.

"Wanna go for a ride? I only had one beer."

You looked at Angel as he offered, the hope clear in his eyes. With a nod, you smiled genuinely for the first time in what felt like forever. Holding his hand out, Angel helped you stand, tossing a bill onto the bartop.

"You wanna tell your friends? I can take you home after."

"Yeah. I'll grab my purse and meet you outside."

Angel nodded, leaning down to press a soft and slow kiss to your forehead before walking toward the exit. Coco and EZ were leaning against the wall, both wincing as they saw him walk out alone.

"She didn't wanna hear it?"

Angel was about to answer when you came out behind him, throwing a small wave at the boys who were now smiling instead. They waved back and stood back up straight.

"We'll see you tomorrow then."

Angel nodded, a little bit of light back in his eyes.

"Yeah, I'll see you."

The two of them were walking back inside then, leaving you and your ex, though it felt like things might not be staying that way. The love that the two of you had was too strong to throw away over tough times. Holding his hand out once again, Angel looked at you as he waited.

"You wanna try us out again?"

Your nod was confident as you gazed at him, a tiny sparkle back in your eyes.

"I'd rather have you only sometimes than not at all."

That was a sentiment that Angel could agree with and he grinned, his hand encasing yours as he walked with you toward his parked bike, happy to know he was going to have his girl with him once again.

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