#also not even getting into disabilities that mean someone can't finish their degree. i know quite a few people who weren't able to

[aflamethatneverdies]

i don't like talking about my experiences with academia, but tbvh, my master's involved writing a lot of essays where I and others who were international students struggled so much more because we hadn't had the knowledge or tools to develop academic writing (a very specific skill set) the way others who had gone through the british education system had, so naturally they were much better at it. And I wanted to improve, I wanted to learn, I asked classmates to review my thesis before submission, I borrowed their thesis to study how they formatted and wrote it. I took a small class in writing essays along with all of the stuff I already had to do for my masters but, I still got lower grades compared to my peers even though I followed all the rules as best as I could figure them out.

All through my master's I blamed myself so much for having issues with being not smart enough when the others in my cohort were being so effortlessly good at this. And it was a consistent pattern too, kids from international backgrounds struggled, I saw it all the time. And we were expected to figure it all out ourselves.

I'm sorry but, i have no patience for treating academic writing and academia as this hallowed ground. fuck that actually.

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

I had a rough week last week. Tuesday my dog gets sick, so I look up her symptoms. And bc I'm a crazy person, my mind automatically latched onto the worst possibility. So I spent three hours crying hysterically and having panic attacks bc I was so scared she would die. Then Wednesday I had to take my dog to vet and was still super stressed out. Thursday and Friday I have to deal with medicaid and disability paperwork. Saturday I had a panic attack so bad that I couldn't stop it and had to text my brother to come help me (he lives with me. we're too poor to live without a roommate, and we've basically lived together our whole lives, so it was whatever). Sunday morning I have a panic attack and can't leave my house to play my weekly dnd game bc the thought of spending hours with other people away from home was...bad. Sunday night, I got completely (and irrationally) terrified of being alone. I was so afraid that I called my mom, and of course she offers to come over. And I'm freaking out so bad I let her, even though it was late and I know she has to get up early for work. (She only stayed until my brother got back around 10:30)

BUT, today is a new day. I managed to get my blood work done today, and talk on the phone to my case worker, and pick up a pair of contacts from my eye doctor to wear until my order comes in. And I didn't have a panic attack. I mean, I still had to have my dad take me, bc leaving home alone isn't something I can do right now. (Mentally or physically. My brother's car broke down, and since he's the one who has a job, he's been using mine. i stg it's like a fucking family curse; every time someone is already in a financial bind, their car will break down.)

So I have decided to take the next few days to just relax. My two besties that I've been friends with since middle school both have kids with autism and they said I'm probably going through autistic burn-out. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic and my doctor thinks I'm somewhere on the spectrum, though on the lower support side. I'm gonna play bg3, and unwind. And try to work on some fic. (bc I have the next chapter of 16 Days damn near finished, and it's the last chapter that ties up the current plot, then there's an epilogue that takes place later that played out like a movie in my head, so writing it will be a breeze.)

Side note, did y'all know that some school systems still use 'high/low functioning'. I've had to say to my coworkers that autistic people would prefer not to use those terms. But it isn't surprising; one of my cousin's kids was literally diagnosed with Asperger's. Which has fallen under the autism spectrum disorder since like, forever ago. And also there was a TA in the autism classroom I worked in once who literally told me that autism was caused by demonic possession. I'm so glad I left the school system. Bc I eventually was going to fucking explode with rage after the way my kids were treated. (My students, not my actual kids. I don't have or want any)

Working in EC has really shown me how little the school system actually cares about helping the disabled; they will cut corners and do shit that 'technically' meets a kid's IEP, but doesn't do a damn thing to help them. And if you say something like, 'i don't think that counts' your coworkers will not be happy. But to a certain degree you can't be too mad, bc there is literally not enough time or resources to meet every child's needs, bc they cram as many kids in one EC classroom as possible, hire the minimum amount of TAs required by law and expect one teacher to be able to magically meet all their needs. My last job had 3 kids in wheelchairs in those tiny ass mobile units schools started using, that literally did not have room to move around, unless the other students stood up to let them get by, and sometimes even move their desk. We had multiple kids with autism. One of them stimmed by screaming, another was triggered by loud noises.

This post kinda went off on a tangent. Anyway, heads up to any parents who have kids starting school, make sure you get a copy of your child's IEP. If you think they aren't being serviced, contact your local Board of Education, and tell them that you have a child with an IEP who isn't receiving adequate services. Then threaten to sue them if they don't start providing your kid their services. It does not matter if you can actually afford to sue them or not, an IEP is a legally binding document. You have the right to sue, and most of the time the threat alone is enough to kick their ass into gear.

[damnslippyplanet]

oop, @saturnskyline tagged me!

Three Ships

For the sake of keeping it lively I'll pick three different ones from last time I did this. Let's say... 1. Lee Dongsik/Han Joowon, my newest blorbos, I can't believe I didn't know about them yet nine days ago when I last did this meme and now they have taken over my brain. 2. Yuri Plisetsky/Otabek Altin, my only pure and unproblematic ship where no one's a murderer except that a) Yuri will absolutely murder someone someday and b) there was that time Tumblr decided it was a problematic ship because teenagers don't fuck, or whatever that was about, IDK, it was very funny 3. Mei Changsu / Whatever The Fuck He Wants, which usually means Jingyan, but honestly I also ship Changsu with Lin Chen, Nihuang, Problematic Acts of Political Power, A Hug, and/or A Nap.

First Ever Ship

The previous answer still holds true but I thought more about other early ships and they definitely also included Jareth/Sarah from Labyrinth. I got on my bullshit very early and stayed that way permanently.

Last Song

Fine, just gonna embarrass myself here: I haven't listened to any music yet today but my history suggests the last thing I listened to last night was Jeff Satur covering "How Far I'll Go." Although I did have BTS and "Permission to Dance" in my head for a while last night, and I can't remember if that was before or after I listened to the Satur song.

Last Movie

I don't think I've watched any new movies since last time, so still All About Eve.

Currently Reading

I'm partway into the second translated volume of 2ha and screaming forever about it. Deep, DEEP into my feelings about dumplings. I'm currently in the Xia Sini arc and just rolling around in agony.

Currently Watching

As usual, too many things:

With Mr. Slippy: Burn Notice and Poker Face, I'm so delighted to have Natasha Lyonne back on my screen.

With @thehoyden: The Director Who Buys Me Dinner. We burned through the first five or six episodes last night and it was extremely good for me. (We finished Lovely Writer, and that uh...sure was an ending, huh?)

On my own: I temporarily set aside Blood of Youth to tear through Beyond Evil, but I'll get back to it soon once I finish BE in the next couple of days. I think today will be the last episode of Between Us, so I'm going to need a new Thai show soon. I'm thinking about picking up 180 Degrees Longitude next since I've heard it will destroy me and I love suffering - come talk me into or out of whatever you think my next show should be in the comments, friends.

Currently Consuming

Too much caffeine. Mr. Slippy got a new coffee machine and also I have my perpetual Diet Coke problem, and also the store was out of my chocolate protein smoothies this week so they sent me coffee smoothies. It's FINE I'm FINE, I can taste colors now and hear time, I am vibrating on another plane, it's FINE.

Currently Craving

News about whether Hidden Blade will be available for international streaming. (I DID hear it's going to get a US theatrical release, which is very exciting, but my household has enough chronic disabilities already and we're staying very covid-cautious so I'm not going to the movie theater even for my emotional support idol. Although I HAVE considered the very funny idea of renting out a theater for myself and like three local friends.)

[acecademia]

I can't think of a better way to word this but it seems strange thinking about how people around my age (like you) are working on advanced degrees (and some of you know more about what you want to do in the future). (I feel like I am "stuck" in this moment due to some decisions partially out of my control.)

Hi, nonny!

(this got a little out of hand and ended up being super long)

I think one of the worst things we can do is compare ourselves to other people. I don't mean that as a criticism or an attack, of course! I am super guilty of comparing myself to my classmates and colleagues. There was a student at the admitted PhD session I helped with a few months ago who was 22. Twenty-two. Like holy shit, I like to think I was pretty mature and stable at 22, but I could not have handled a PhD at that point without at least one stress-related breakdown a month. I have another friend who just turned 24, and she's finishing her second master's degree. I didn't even start my MLIS until I was 23, and she's over here just speedrunning academia.

My point is that everyone's path looks different. I'm very lucky to have been raised in the family that I was, where an undergraduate degree was considered expected--a given. Where my parents (both the first in their respective families to go to college) fully supported and encouraged their kids to go for advanced degrees, even if my dad didn't fully get what the value of either of our fields was until much later (though now he very much dad-brags about us 😂). I'm also very lucky to have always had some inkling of what I wanted to do with my life. I like school. I'm good at it. I'm honestly not good at a lot of other things. I like writing, I like learning, I like teaching, and I like being a mentor. And all of that adds up really well to becoming a professor.

I'll also say this: I am one of the youngest members of my cohort, and that has been really rough on me. A lot of the doc students in my program are like adult-adults. They're 10+ years older than me. They've got spouses and kids and own houses and are like stable and secure. I'm over here living with my parents rent-free while the world is on hold. It's really been brutal on my impostor syndrome. Like these people have done things. They've had careers and lives and accomplishments. Hell, some of them have kids that aren't that much younger than me. I've definitely felt like I have to work harder, to achieve more, to prove that I do belong where I am and that I deserve to be in this program. My advisor and other professors have reassured me that I earned my way into the program and that they've been impressed by me and my work, but there's still that voice that tells me I'm just a kid playing dress-up or something, y'know? Especially when I'm teaching undergrads who are, at most, usually like 4-5 years younger than me and are sometimes even my age or older.

There's one member of my cohort who's a couple of months younger than me (my roomie, actually! 💜). Having her around has really helped. Another cohort mate of mine is like a year older than me, which again, helps a lot. We've chatted about how we've been somewhat recently mistaken for high school students or undergrads and how frustrating that is. Sharing those experiences helps a lot.

I totally understand the feeling of being stuck. I've had a lot of medical issues in my life. I used a wheelchair pretty much full-time for all of eighth grade. I did freshman year of high school on a completely homebound program because I physically could not handle going to school because of the amount of pain I was in. My sophomore year, I was walking again, but I did half-day school and a partial homebound program. Junior year was the first year since seventh grade that I was at school full-time and walking. I had a medical withdrawal one semester during undergrad because of a flare-up (which is the reason I graduated in 7 semesters instead of my intended 6) and took 18 months off between undergrad and grad school because of another flare-up. It was frustrating and stressful and taxing both physically and mentally. I kept feeling like I was falling behind--behind my classmates, behind my completely arbitrary timeline I'd set for myself, behind everyone's expectations for me.

But what I finally realized is that the experiences I had--the ones that I thought had been throwing me off of my path--had taught me some really valuable lessons and given me insights that I wouldn't have had otherwise. One of the things I want to study in the future is disabled youth and their use of fandom as a social outlet. I was brand new to Texas when I had my initial incident with my back. I had one friend in the entire state, and she lived over 60 minutes away and went to a different school. Fandom became that social outlet for me. It was where I made friends, found support, and actually had the opportunity to interact with people who were my age (which was huge considering my only social interaction IRL came from my parents, teachers, and various doctors & healthcare professionals). Without those experiences, I might never have considered this specific niche of research.

One of my favorite quotes comes from C.S. Lewis, who said, "You are never too old to set another goal, or to dream a new dream." Just because it might take you longer to get to where you want to go than it might take someone else, that doesn't mean that your dream, your goal, your path, or your accomplishments are somehow lesser. You can get where you want to go, even if you don't quite know where that is yet. You just have to give yourself time and permission to figure things out at your own pace 💜